#and sitting there in trauma hell trying to figure out what on earth you did/said THIS time

[luciferlightbringer]

Talk to Me

Chapter 4

Lucifer x Fem Fallen Angel Reader Word Count: 5.1k CW: Angst, trauma, trust building, slow burn, enemies to lovers(ish?), lies, curiosity Guess who is finally gonna talk to each otherrrr?

|Chapter 3|Chapter 4|Chapter 5 (Updated through Chapter 5)

As happy as you were to be back at the nice new hotel, with nice new rooms, and nice new… friends(?), that didn’t mean that there was still a lot that you were trying to get used to. A lot that still felt overwhelming.

You had gone to sleep that night feeling ready to take on getting to know the others in the hotel, even briefly said hi to a couple of them, Angel, Husk, Cherri, and Niffty. But the next morning you woke up in a panicked cold sweat, and the tightened feeling in your chest about being around sinners.

You stayed into your room for a couple days, only sneaking out to get food.

You spent much of that time moving between freaking out and trying to figure out what to do to help other sinners. You just wish you had someone to talk it out with.

As if to a sort of answer to your prayers, Charlie knocked on your door. You slowly opened the door before giving her a panicked hug. She held you close and stroked your hair.

“Charlie, I’m so sorry I have not left my room… I’ve been meaning… trying to… but… I’m still so overwhelmed… I know that no one here will cause me harm… but I can’t help but think…”

Charlie shushed you as she held you, “Hey, it’s ok. I’m not upset, don’t worry. I know that I am wanting to encourage you but also not push you too far… I’ve made that mistake before… what do you feel like you need from me?” You thought, you’d never been asked that before. You think you would usually be the one asking Emily that in the past.

“Well… talking helps…”

Charlie smiled and moved further into the room with you, closing the door, sat on your bed and patted next to her “Tell me what is on your mind.”

You went to go sit by her and sighed, “I… I don’t know… I guess the first thing is… other sinners scare me… I don’t know what to do.”

Charlie thought, “Well… other sinners can be scary, but they can also be nice too. You never know what it is that made someone come to hell. I’ve always had the thought that sinners might not always be bad people.”

You gave Charlie a confused look.

Charlie thought again, “Ok uhh… let’s take Angel Dust for example. He’s a porn star. Why do you think he became a porn star?”

You shrugged, “Because he was a pornstar on Earth?”

Charlie shook her head, “Not the case actually. What would you say if you knew he grew up on Earth in the Mafia, with no way to escape, and spent most of his energy protecting his little sister?”

“That’s… huh…well being in the Mafia is bad… but if he was trapped in it… and he was protecting his sister… then that’s good…”

“He also is protective of others here at the hotel,” Charlie added, “He is almost like an older brother to Niffty.”

You thought for a minute about this, “But… how did he end up here… as a porn star?”

Charlie shrugged, “Lots of people end up here and get pulled into the… errr rough culture of Hell. Somehow he found his way to Valentino, the Overlord of the Porn Industry, and they made a contract.”

“And the cycle continues all over again,” you realize.

“Exactly,” Charlie added.

“And he is back repeating the same mistakes, because that’s what he needed to do to survive on earth,” you perk up more.

“Yes,” Charlie adds with more excitement.

“And… if he is becoming more good at the hotel… or doing more good things… it’s because…”

“Because he has a community to help him learn that there is more outside of that place of survival. That he can have support that isn’t abusive. Support that is kind and helps him find what he wants without being evil.” Charlie added.

You felt like your brain exploded. People weren’t just bad to be bad, some people were bad because of the community around them. Your heart broke.

“Some people on earth…” you start to choke on some tears, looking at Charlie “Some people on earth… had no chance of being good in their lifetime, did they? Not because they didn’t want to, but because they did not know how? Because they were not in a life where they were able to be around good people? They were trying to be the best they could in a bad environment?”

Charlie nodded, “Exactly.”

Tears streamed down your face, his realization made you so sad and so angry. So it was not just that people chose to be good or bad? Was there a gray area in the middle?

Charlie rubbed your back as you cried. She was… surprised by your response. She would hoped it would click, but something about this made you so upset. Questioning things? She was intrigued at the thought that this was not something that was understood by all sinners, but she guessed that everyone was different in their understanding. Everyone on earth experienced such vastly different things, it was hard to consider any sort of “standard” to the human experience.

Your tears soon settled, and you continued to look onto the floor, “I want to understand more… I want to.. to hear people’s experiences more… see more of this in action. But how would I do that?”

Charlie thought, “You could… just offer people a space to talk! Like… just saying you will be there to listen? Maybe talk them through some ideas if they want that?”

You thought and nodded, “Ya… that might work, but how would I get people to want to talk to me?”

Charlie stood up and started to pace around the room as she thought, “Well… I could encourage it as part of the hotel curriculum. Maybe they can get out of other activities occasional if they talk with you. Ultimately, them talking to you would need to be for their benefit though. Not just for you learning… Hmm…” Charlie continued to pace.

“Well… I think I would have to promise not to share anything outside of that conversation with anyone,” you added.

“Right! Hmm… we might want to be careful with that though,” Charlie said, “I don’t want anyone to abuse that. Like say if someone told you about something where they want to harm someone else or the hotel? I think you wouldn’t be able to keep that secret.”

“Oh ya, good point,” that though made you a little nervous, but you had to be prepared for anything, “I would just have to tell people the rules at the beginning.”

“That sounds good.”

“Ok… I can work with that… I think I with want to brainstorm for a little while more before starting anything.”

“Totally!” Charlie perked, “It sounds like an amazing idea that we can run the idea past the others. But for this to work, it would help if you started to come out and interact with them some more, what do you say?” Charlie held out a hand.

You looked at her hand and smiled, you knew she was right. You took her hand and followed her downstairs.

You took the rest of the evening and the next few days getting to know Vaggie, Angel Dust, Husk, Niffty, Cherri, and Alastor more. Though Alastor didn’t share much about himself other than the general vibe that he was powerful and scary. But overall the others did not make you feel bad about needing some time to get used to Hell, many of them had died a long time ago but they all remembered it being hard, even though they all varied in how much they accepted their placement in Hell.

Several days later, Charlie brought up the idea of your “Talk Time” with the other members of the hotel, and they were given time to talk through their worries or concerns.

“How do you know you ain’t gonna move to conversation to what you want? How do you know you ain’t gonna judge us?” Angel asked.

“Hmm… everything in that room is about you and your story. I want to learn more and support you guys. And if you ever do feel that way, you can tell me. I’m not forcing anyone to be there, I’m there if you want to talk some someone,” you responded, “Anything you tell me, I’m gonna do everything I can to meet it with curiously, not judgement. I’m not gonna be perfect, but I wanna try.”

“How do you know you are actually going to keep our secrets? What stops you from just blabbing them to all of Hell?” Husk asked.

You thought about that, and you looked at Charlie and Vaggie. You knew there was a certain type of silence spell that was sometimes used in Heaven, mostly for people on themselves so that they would not accidental spill secrets. It’s a spell that Adam should have used when it came to the exterminations, but his pride got in the way and he didn’t. You were curious if either of them had magic like that.

“Do either of you have magic that can cause a sort of silencing spell? One that could force me to not be able to talk about certain things?”

Charlie and Vaggie looked at each other and thought. Alastor in the corner of the room gripped his cane, thinking of the magic threads that kept his own secrets locked away.

Vaggie thought of the same angelic seal that you had, she found it cruel though, but she understood the reason here. Part of her was curious about how you had thought of that so quickly, but now was not the time to dive into that.

“I do”, she said “It binds you to keeping secrets within specified parameters, like if it were to be like “You are are bound to keep the secrets of Charolette Morningstar, so long as keeping the secret would not cause harm to others.”” Or something.”

You nodded, that sounded right, “Can we try it so everyone can see?”

Vaggie nodded and began the spell, saying it the same thing she had said before, then she prompted Charlie to tell you a small secret. Charlie came up and in your ear whispered “I accidentally used Vaggie’s toothbrush one time before we were officially dating and I’ve never told her and I feel really bad about it.” You wanted to laugh because it was such an innocent secret, but your face remained neutral.

You turned to the group and attempted to say the secret but all that happened was your lips sealed shut and a red X marked over your mouth, silencing you for a moment before disappearing. You tried it again, and the red X appeared. You looked out to the group.

“Any further questions or concerns?” You ask the group.

“Will that happen for anything we tell you?” Niffty added.

Vaggie answered, “I can set it just so it happens involving information said when you are in her room, this will also incentivize you all to only talk to her about heavy stuff during times you meet with her, so that you aren’t just randomly coming up to her. Got it?”

The rest of the group nodded.

“How long will we have to talk to ya for?” Angel asked.

You shrugged, “As long as you like I guess, but I might have to cap it at some point. We will workshop it and see how it goes. I’m gonna start offering it a couple days a week and then I’ll increase time as I feel ready for it.”

That seemed to be the end of the questions for now. There was always room for more questions.

You started your open office hours the next day, your door was open and you were just hanging out in your room. No one came in for most of the day, but closer to the end of the day, Angel came walking in.

“Hey,” Angel said in the doorway.

“Hey! You wanna come chat?” You ask.

“Not really, but yes… but Husk said it might be a good idea, let’s get Vaggie going with that silence spell though,” Angel added. You called for Vaggie, she set the spell, and then you and Angel were alone to talk.

Angel sat in silence for a few minutes, thinking. He sighed, “I talk ‘bout my shit all the time but I don’t know where ta even start ‘ere” he buries his face in his hands.

You thought a moment, “How about today? Is there something that is bothering you today? You said Husk told you to come up here.”

Angel sighed, “Alright, buckle in toots.” Angel started by telling you about his boss, Valentino, being an absolute monster to him. You asked some questions and Angel went back into the details of how he ended up on the end of Val’s chain. How he had arrived to Hell much like you did, scared and alone, although he figured some of his family was down here, but he didn’t want much to do with them. There was no hotel then, and all he knew was finding someone in power to protect him.

He got a job in Val’s company since he knew sex and acting were things he could do, and he quickly gained the favor of Val. But Val didn’t just like him, he was obsessed with him, Angel had to live with him and be on call basically 24/7 for shoots and for Val personally. Protection didn’t matter if it wasn’t protecting him from the biggest threat in his life, which had become Val himself. But he was trapped, he learned about the hotel and got set up over here. The hotel was the only remotely safe place he had now and he was thankful for that. He then went quiet.

“I understan-“ you started to say.

“No! No you don’t! No one does. Don’t hit me with that crap, I get it all the time,” Angel snarked as he crossed his arms.

You wanted to snap at him but you took a breath, remembering this isn’t about you, that’s probably his pain.

“You’re right,” you said. He looked up at you with surprise and confusion, “You’re totally right, I’m sorry, I don’t… I guess I mean… I see your pain, I hear your suffering… I see you Angel. You just wanna be safe.”

He stared at you a moment and nodded “Ya.”

“And you want to have people around you that will want to protect you?”

He nodded again, his arms going more slack, “Ya.”

“And if you took part in the battle with Heaven, I’m gonna guess you have found that here, and you wanna protect them, too. Right?”

He nods, fighting the tears that welled in his eyes, “Heh… I’m glad you got that silence spell, wouldn’t want everyone to know how mushy I am.”

You shrugged “I think many of them would appreciate it, but that is up to you.”

Angel smiled “So uhh… let me know when ya office is open again. Kay? This… didn’t completely suck.”

You smiled, and walked him to the door. Once he left you closed the door and sighed, that was a lot, but it was good. You didn’t have long before there was a knock on your door.

You opened the door to see a short young man with short slicked back blond hair, a sharp smile, and button up and a suit vest, there were red dots on his checks like Charlie, did she have a brother?

“Hiya! Haha, I apologize for the intrusion, I hope I didn’t startle you. I was in the neighbor and came to say hi to Charlie and she said you were taking times for people to come and just chat with you so I thought I would came say hi!”

“Oh! Well wonderful, and… you are?” You asked.

“I’m sorry, weird are my manners, I’m Lucifer!” he said sticking out a hand.

You were suddenly full of fear and took a step back, “Lucifer…” You felt yourself trip and start to fall backwards. You anticipate hitting the floor but you stop just short as Lucifer catches you, a worried look on his face. Time feels like it slows for a second as he holds you up and you look at each other. He quickly sets you down and takes a step back.

“I’m so sorry… I really didn’t mean to scare you… I promise I just wanted to come say hi. Connect the face to the name. (Y/fn), right? Charlie mentioned you. And I wanted to give you this!” He pulls out a simple rubber duck.

You were just looking him up and down, trying to make sense of the image in front of you, and then the rubber duck. This soft and small person was the terrifying Lucifer? Why did he have a rubber duck?

“Yes that’s me. Wait. You are Lucifer?” You asked.

Lucifer nodded, “The one and only!”

You blinked and thought more, “But… you’re not scary? Do you make yourself not look scary?”

Lucifer looked at himself and chuckled “No this is how I normally look, I actually have to try to make myself look scary.”

“So you can be scary?”

Lucifer shrugged, “Yes, but I don’t like to. I’m guessing they still draw me as big and muscular with horns and fire and all of that on Earth?”

You thought back to the few depictions you had seen of Lucifer around Heaven, each one a more terrifying depiction from the last, and you made a face. “You could say that, lots of goat and snake like monsters.”

Lucifer rolled his eyes, “Eh. Of course. I can look like elements of that, but half the time I swear they are just drawing Satan and slapping my name on him. He’s like a big goat man, Sin or Wrath. He runs the Wrath ring downstairs.” He set down the rubber duck on the table next to the door. “Anyways, I just wanted to thank you for joining Charlie’s hotel. We weren’t sure we were going to get more after the extermination news. How did you find us?”

Damn you needed a good excuse, what was the one you had told Charlie the other day? You started to stand back up as you responded. “I uhh… heard something about it from the group of sinners that… beat me up. Not in a positive way but I thought I would check it out. I’m glad I did, Charlie has been so kind to me.”

Lucifer frowned, “I’m sorry to hear about your attack but I’m glad that you have found comfort with my daughter. She has such a gentle heart.” He smiled as he thought about his daughter.

You watched his eyes shine as he talked about her. Seriously, who was this guy? This gentle and kind person was the most hated being in all of creation? This was the man whose name was akin to a cursed word in the heavens. The longer you were here, the less sense things were making, and the more angry it made you.

Lucifer looked at you and noticed the grimace on your face, “Uhh… everything ok?”

You snapped back to the present and realized how twisted in frustration your face was. “Uhh… ya! I just… still have some pain I’m dealing with. Nothing to worry about.”

Lucifer looked at the light wrap on your arm and opposing leg, no longer full casts but a little wrap, “May I take a look?”

You hesitated, and he sensed it. “I wouldn’t hurt you. Some angels just have healing powers, I just want to see if your bones settled the right way.”

You paused, and then offered your arm “No cuts please.”

Lucifer nodded, “No cuts.” He walked forward and took your forearm in both hands and closed his eyes, focusing in on your bones. He could sense that this one was healing correctly, but he let out some power and finished up the healing process.

You were so nervous to be this close to him, but something about his soft touch was so disarming. He was warm and gentle. The light startled you, but then a wave of relief came over your arm. His hands slipped away and you tried moving it. It was good as new! You beamed a smile looking at it.

Lucifer smiled seeing you ease up a little around him. “Want me to do your leg next?” You looked at him and nodded.

You sat on the bed, and he knelt down to take your lower leg in his hands, closing his eyes again. This time you looked more over his features as he turned into your injury, your curiosity over him was just eating at you. And even more so… they did he almost feel familiar?

“Hmm,” he hummed. “Were you walking on this injury?”

“Uhh… ya, why?” You responded. “Why? Is something wrong?”

He looked up at you, “The bones are not healing correctly in line, that is probably what is causing more pain here.”

“That’s not good… is there a way to fix it?”

“There is… but I would have to separate the bones again to be able to heal them back in the right place. You wouldn’t feel pain but it’s not pleasant. It will feel better after that though,” he said looking into your eyes.

You grabbed at your shoulder, remembering the break of your wing. You swallowed hard, could you trust the devil?

You nodded.

He nodded, set his hands in place, and prepared you, his magic beginning to glow again. Before you knew it, there was a quick pop and then a cooling sensation of healing again. You both exhaled and then smiled at each other.

You stood up and tested your leg, you could put your weight on it without pain again! You spun around and smiled.

Lucifer smiled again, warmth filling his heart as we felt like he was actually able to do something nice for you. Filling some sense of an unpaid debt of some kind.

“I’m glad you are feeling better, anything else? I noticed you grabbed your shoulder, I could-“

“No!” You stopped your dance and held your shoulder away. Lucifer pulled back with a look of worry on his face.

“I mean… I’m sorry, it’s nothing. An old injury from… my old life. Nothing something that is actually there. Just something I think of,” you looked over the worry and pain on his face. “Shit… I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to yell…”

“No it’s ok, haha, I get it, old pains from a past life and all…” Lucifer thought off, thinking of the fall.

You looked over his face again, there was something so deep about his pain, it intrigued you. It was funny how little you had known about pain as a concept just a month ago, but now, your hunger for learning about it was unmatched. You couldn’t understand what made people actually good until you realized that also made them bad, and pain and suffering seems to be a big factor. Looking at the harbinger of pain and suffering himself, it made you so curious as to what started it all.

“Hey,” you said, Lucifer looked up at you. “My… my talk times are available for everyone at the hotel, so… that includes you. If you ever want to talk about things that have happened to you… my door is open. Just… maybe not today. My last appointment was uhh… a lot. With-“ you tried to say Angel’s name but your mouth sealed shut and a red X appeared over your mouth.

Lucifer was startled by the angelic red X that he remembers seeing on the elders sometimes in the past. After a moment the X disappeared

“Sorry, silence spell. I forgot I can’t even say the name of who I last talked to. Vaggie helped me set it up,” you rubbed your mouth, that feeling was not pleasant.

“Oh interesting, so you have parameters set to not share what people let you during the talk time?” Lucifer asked. You nodded. He thought and then smiled.

“Alright, I’ll come talk to you. I’ll see you in a few days then.” He gave you a wink and then wished you goodbye before teleporting downstairs to grab his hat and coat, and saying goodbye to the others before teleporting back home.

You sighed and flopped on your bed after Lucifer left. You had met the King of Hell and lived to tell the tale. He was so unlike anything you expected. You were still a little wary of him, but the way you didn’t sense a single bit of malice or trickery about him. Just… kindness and…sadness… lots of sadness… He felt so much like Charlie, but also… not.

You thought again to the look in his eyes, the gentle way he talked about healed you, especially your leg, he could have just snapped it and healed it, but he took the time to talk you through it. You actually thought to keep that in might when talking to people, you could probably approach conversations like that.

But beyond that, he, like his daughter, respected when you said no to him looking at your shoulder. He wasn’t just searching to make you “perfect” he wanted you to have a say in things. That felt so unusual, that was something you had very little of in Heaven.

Then there was the biggest part that bothered you. Why did he feel familiar? Vaggie you could understand, she could have been a face in the crowd of Heaven that you just didn’t pick up on and she slipped your memory in the years since she was kicked from the service of Heaven. But how could Lucifer feel familiar? He fell before you were created. Had you met at another point still?

You remembered the day you came into being, your eyes opening and Sera welcoming you, explaining your role, and being introduced to Emily.

Emily… your heart hurt to think of her, your closest… friend. Tears welled up in your eyes. How you missed her. You wished she was ok. You wondering if she thought of you. If she still suffered. Or if she had just forgotten you at this point and moved on.

You shook your head, no, Emily was not like that, she wouldn’t forget you after almost 10,000 years of friendship.

You sighed and rolled onto your side, your eyes caught sight of the rubber duck Lucifer had left. You smiled. What a curious thing, and what a curious man. You floated the duck over to you and looked at it as you laid there. You realized you never thanked him for the gift. How rude of you. You would have to remedy that next time you talked with him. You smiled at the thought as you drifted to sleep.

—————————————————————-------------------------------

Lucifer returned home and flopped on his bed again, a swirl of emotions mixed up in his stomach. On the one hand he was grateful for another pleasant visit to the hotel, and a chance to meet and interact with you. On the other… there were some things he just couldn’t wrap his head around.

On the more positive end, he was glad the you seemed like a kind sinner, which also confused him, because kind and sinner should not mix, but he also didn’t even know what the threshold was for people ending up here anyway. He knew from getting to know the other sinners at that hotel that some people just had a rough exterior, but you didn’t even seem to have that. Your biggest thing seemed to be that you were very afraid of him.

He had hoped that by the end of your conversation he had put you a little more at ease. He thought that maybe you had grown up in a cult or something, that would explain many of the behaviors. Growing up with an idea of a deity that should be feared above all else or else the “monstrous devil” would steal their soul.

Pfft. As if. He had better things to do than deal in the trading of mortal souls.

Anyways, ya that was probably the case. He was just glad that you were feeling better about your limbs and you offering some of your time to talk with him. He almost found it amusing to think about talking to a mortal about his problems. As if they could even comprehend it. But it would be nice to talk to some things outside of Charlie and his rubber ducks, although the ducks were great listeners.

The things that bothered him about his visit were… interesting. The more simple part was your reaction to him looking at your shoulder. He understood the idea of an old injury but… that reaction didn’t pan out with an old one, but a new one. A traumatizing one. You hadn’t been here for long, so what could have happened to have caused such a reaction? One that you didn’t want touched or healed if it was as fresh as your other injuries? Or was it even fresher? Had a rogue exorcist gotten to you? There was no way of telling. Maybe once he had built up more trust with her, he would have more of a chance to get that question answered.

Then there was the bigger reason for his discomfort, why did you feel familiar to him, and why did you feel off to him? He had only recently started interacting with sinners and you were new to Hell, so that couldn’t be it. Maybe he had seen you in the past when he had taken a trip to Earth before with… ugh, maybe? That also seemed like a stretch. Maybe you just reminded him from someone, that was probably it. Someone from a long time ago maybe?

Curse this depression brain fog, it made trying to remember anything impossible. What was your name again? (Y/fn)? That didn’t ring any bells, so you must have just reminded him of someone, it was gonna drive him crazy.

Oh well, for now that would just have to remain a mystery for another day.

______________________________________________________________

As always, let me know if you want added to the taglist! If you don't get the notification check your tag settings and permissions!

@sapphireravensworld @cimadreamer @froggybich @randomstranger703 @tiredlillypad @melday0105 @btsgangleader @hawke1917 @gbshdhd @pandaquick @littleladydemon @wonderlandangelsposts @hulyenl @willow404 @cherry-4200 @b4ts1e @stormz369 @hobbylobbyy @whaatttlaufey @fandomgoddes05 @rebecca-hvnstn @aquaamethyst96 @mcueveryday @lonelynmisunderstood @glowinthedarkbones1150 @invader-link @cozyras @mmm-fuji @backinthefkingbuildingagain @wobblesthewaffle @glowymxxn @kmfoxtail546

[cairavende]

Worm Arc 15 thoughts without interludes (interludes need their own post):

EVERYTHING IS FIIIIIIIINE

My daughters boss didn't actually try to assassinate her, her just planned to do it and then did it in one reality but kept the reality where he didn't! So it's ok! I'm fine. Not worried at all that Coil knows Skitter was planning on double crossing him and that he found a way to screw with Tattletales powers.

It's fiiiine (eye twitches)

I want to say I'm glad she got her full team on board, but given that there is a chance someone on her team ratted on her it might not be good.

Skitter goes a little bit far at the end with Triumph. Just a tiny itty bitty bit far. Child you almost KILLED HIM! And then you let him sit there dying when the threat isn't that he'll die now, but that you will come back if needed (mayor ain't going to say what you want him to say if you kill his son, the point is if he doesn't say it you'll come back)! I'm worried about you.

Brian I understand why you like my daughter and she seems to like you and I'm glad having someone you feel safe with is helping you process your very valid trauma (important note, you could have done the same with your sister, she was trying to help you but you wouldn't open up to her, you should open up to her). But please don't get in the way of her relationships with her girlfriends. Just understand in terms of long term stuff Chatterbug and Wolfspider 100% trump . . . Darkbug? Fuck what are you guys called?

(I've been informed Shadeswarm, Nightcrawler, Night Biter, Creepy Crawlies, or Carapace. I think Creepy Crawlies might be my preference among that.)

MOAR DOLL LESBIAN CONTENT!!!!!

Parian is one of my absolute favorite characters! Flechette is pretty cool as well. Being a hero hurts her. Stabbing my daughter also didn't build good marks with me, but I understand why she did it. Cause GAAAAAAAAAAAY. I have a hard time being too mad at a lesbian stabbing someone to protect her girlfriend.

I'm glad Parian isn't joining Coil full hog at least, she's too pure to be a villain (or a "hero"). I kinda wish she could just move to New York and be a fashion designer and live her best life, but I do enjoy the idea of getting to see her more.

And to be honest, I don't think anyone on Earth Bet is really going to be living their best life in the long run. Sorry guys.

The fucking shutdown the team gives to the Nazis is AMAZING! Like ya no Hookwolf or Purity this time, that obviously would have made it harder. But still, comparing the previous fight to this just really shows how much the team has increased in power. They didn't even bring Grue.

Skitter and Tattletale being able to work together to find all the people in a few block radius and figure out which groups are Nazis, all while just standing in the middle of the street, is so fucking cool. I fucking love watching them work.

I don't love the girlfriends fighting with the whole "Skitter wasn't told about the plan to have Regent yoink a Nazi". But they seemed to make up pretty quickly.

Skitter fucking running multiple bug clones, with cameras and microphones, all across her territory, and using them to talk to people and check in on things, WHILE getting surgery on her shoulder??! FUCKING HELL. Like ok yes, please love yourself child and let yourself take it easy sometimes. But also holy shit that is so god damn amazing. I am 100% convinced (I mean, I have been since like Arc 4 TBH) that she uses her bugs to basically offload her pain. Or offloads her mind to her bugs so she can ignore the pain in her body. Same idea. Like even if it's never confirmed it is true to me. And the multitasking! Give Taylor a Thinker classification!!

Just fucking attacking the mayor's family to intimidate him into telling people in Washington to not condemn Brockton Bay huh? I mean sure it kinda worked at the end (assuming he does what he said he would) but it really seems like a terrible plan. Like, the people in Washington are gonna hear about the attack and wonder about everything the mayor says. But fine, that's the plan.

Skitter making the bug clones complex enough that Trickster and Genesis don't even notice she's a clone at first is super cool! Also it does drive home that she is always just covered with so many bugs and using swarm speech so much that when a version of her shows up that is completely covered in bugs and speaks fully with swarm speech it doesn't throw anyone off.

Coil had to know that Triumph was the mayor's kid. The fact that he's the one who pushed to have them attack during family dinner.

I'm really proud of Skitter for figuring it out though! I pegged him as a cape pretty much right away and was able to figure out it was Triumph not long after, but she was in the heat of the moment. Also she got the girlfriend pegged as a either Prism or Ursa while I was still uncertain if she was a cape.

Holy shit that fight was so fucking cinematic! Perfectly built for Triumph to look cool by exploding bug clones with his shouts. And with Prism splitting and combining constantly. Just fuck. I'd love to see an animation of that fight. It was super cool.

And again, Skitter got dark there. And sadly I'm worried she's gonna get darker.

[gods-favorite-autistic]

Ocean headcanons!!!

She is the queen of sneaking out because she doesn’t wanna walk by her high as hell parents and have to be asked to smoke with them

Every member of the choir has threatened to steal her at least once

She seems like the type of person to just casually mention her childhood trauma as like a personal anecdote

Ocean: Yeah so once my dad was really high and really paranoid and he thought I had broken into the house so he chased me around with a knife and-

Noel: I’m sorry he WHAT-

She pretends that she loves every subject but she secretly hates History

The teacher is like 200 years old and is somehow simultaneously the loudest and quietest person on earth

In other words: She is mostly unintelligible to most people

Noel is like one of the only people who understands her so he debriefs the choir on her lessons every day

Ocean will never admit that he is the only reason that she is passing that class

She has only been drunk one time and she ended up dying her hair purple and singing Party in the USA with Noel using Mischa’s karaoke machine

It was mostly fun besides the part where she fell off of a table and got a headache but she never did it again after her parents said that they were glad that she was “finally mellowing out”

She has a shelf of awards in her room

Every now and then she’ll go through a phase where she tries to throw out all of her trophies and medals and stuff because “they don’t really mean anything so what’s the point!” and Noel saves them every time because he knows that once she snaps out of it that she’ll be really mad if she actually did throw them all out

This becomes especially frequent after the Cyclone and Noel at one point threatens to “go all Monique Gibeau on your ass if I have to pull another fucking Spelling Bee trophy out of your goddamn garbage can” which results in a resounding “language”

It also results in Ocean laughing (like, full on laughing) for like the first time since the Cyclone happened and Noel was in such shock that he couldn’t even make fun of her

He didn’t even want to make fun of her afterwards either he just bragged to the choir about it

Constance tries teaching how to cook once

It does not end well

Ocean never wants to except help for anything so Constance just pretends that she needs help with stuff and then figured out a way to twist it into her helping Ocean

Ocean is the official watcher for Mischa when he’s drunk

Like she’ll get a call at one in the morning and she’ll already be opening her window and halfway out of it before Mischa can even get a single word out

She likes watching over him though because he gets all sappy and nice

She also gets to record a bunch of funny moments like the time where he tried to sing the entirety of This Song is Awesome in one breath and almost passed out

Ricky shows her his comics and she finds out that she really likes Spiderman comics

She considers Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse to be their movie since they’ve seen it over 20 times

Ricky also considers it to be their movie but he is much more open to the idea of letting other people into their movie sessions than Ocean is

People look at Ocean and Mischa and they’re always like “Woah look at that huge scary dude!” When in reality the real scary one is the feral redhead

They’re like a pitbull and a chihuahua

There’s an abandoned playground in town that Penny loves ‘dragging’ Ocean to

I say ‘dragging’ because Ocean absolutely loves to go but she thinks it will ruin her ‘reputation’ if she shows it

They like having one of them sit in the middle of those big spinny circles with the bars while the other one grabs on to on of the bars and just runs around till they get tired

They call it ‘Hurricane Penny’ because Penny’s the one that came up with the game so she gets naming rights

Penny swears that she saw a ghost one time when in reality it was just Ocean trying to regain her senses after Hurricane Penny

She doesn’t condone violence and is super against it until you insult a member of the choir

Mischa heard that some guys were picking on her

He got suspended the very next day

[alphabetcrashcourse]

AOT Live Text Reaction

I've decided to post a live text reaction to AOT now that I'm watching it after it finished releasing. Up to episode six, here are my thoughts so far:

Everyone in this show apart from the main characters is really, really dumb. You are being actively hunted by immortal zombies you know NOTHING about. Sure you have your Big Wall-onii san to protect you, but you also have a growing population and dwindling resources. There is no excuse to sit on your hands for a hundred years. You don't even have to fight the monsters! Just go out there and study them! Invest in being FAST! In running AWAY!

Idk what on earth happened a hundred yeara ago, but my bet is that these idiots in charge somehow caused it and most definitely deserve whatever's coming to them.

Eren: He gives me weird vibes, like he's constantly angry or on edge. He seems more desperate than the average protagonist. Not even after his mom being nommed, (which was horrifying by the way, that kinda trauma CAN turn a kid into a sociopath- Eren turned out okay, all things considered.) But before that as well, he was running around trying ro make everyone see reason at age like ten, and HE was treated as the weird one.

Also he doesn't smile much, like I could count on one hand how many times he smiled in episode 5.

Mikasa: Honey. Get a new goal in life, he's not interested. Like I get that it's probably not strictly romantic interest on her part, he's the only family she has left so of COURSE she wants to protect him. That being said Eren does NOT feel the same. Hell, I'm getting the vibe that the only reason he listens to her is because she's stronger than him. Also she seem's to be the studio's favourite. All her scenes are more fluid and detailed.

I want her to grow to have more goals and interests.

Armin: He's ypur typical 3rd cowardly character. The show keeps insisting he's smart but the bar for these characters is low so my hopes aren't high. Like an example of him being smart was the curiosity to SEE OUTSIDE. And somehow that was a novel idea. But he does this weird sense of pride that comes from seemingly nowhere, it makes him interesting.

I want him to stop being a coward. But NOT in a self-sacrificial way.

ONTO THE REACTION!

Op still slaps.

I like the part where they all jump up together, and that Jaeger means hunter and is Eren's last name.

Oh so Eren is just dead. Congrats Armin on becoming the new main character! Ha. Good luck.

LESBIANS! This show has lesbians! Is this confirmed or is it just anime being anime?

See, this is the weird pride I was talking about.

Hate the wagon guy.

WHY IS THAT TITAN SO FAST?!?!

Oh Mikasa great! Kill this guy.

She seems so proud of herself for helping the citizens. Maybe fulfilling her dury will beco.e her new ambition and she'll get over Eren. Hopefully that arcs happens fast, before she finds out he's dead...

Mikasa backstory? Maybe SHE'S our new protagonist

Oh yeah what did happen to Eren's dad- OH DAMN HER PARENTS DEAD!

Look here, this is what I mean. This is not the face a normal 10yo kid would make, like this is an abnormal situation but an ordinary kid would NOT react like that.

Oriental? So is this a magical kidnapping or a racist kidnapping? Just trying to figure out what to be angry about.

Oh damn Mikasa's mum is UNHINGED!

Oh so baby Eren is psychopath CONFIRMED.

Awww, Mikasa has her mum's crazy~

The scarf!! From the ending!!

Okay yeah they're cute, I see the ship. But at the same time this pivotal moment in Mikasa's life was originally motivated by anger, desperation and finally pity on Eren's end.

Oh yeah Eren's still dead.

And that's the episode!

SO glad I didn't get too attached to Mikasa. You aren't gonna get me that easily show!

[purrincesskittens]

Star Eyes, Zuko is mistaken as Water Tribe.

Gift for @muffinlance based off this post and this one

......................................................................

It was night when they found him. A quick examination showed blood on the back of his head. As they pounded on his back someone noted his eyes. “Gold eyes.” They called. “Are you fire nation?” The boy lifted his head and the light of the lantern caught his eyes reflecting back at them. “Of course I am.” The kid snarls. “Star Eyes.” Someone breathed. Shit this kid was one of theirs. “Could be the child of a war bride.” Was suggested by someone. “At least he’s not a fire bender.” There was a laugh that was quickly interrupted by the star eyed boy himself. “Yes I am.” “Well that was.... honest.” 

Star eyes were only something seen in the water tribes though. Even if this kid was a fire bender he had to be water tribe. More then likely the result of a woman stolen from her tribe during a raid and raised as Fire Nation since he looked enough of the part. But he was young, probably just recruited or practically forced into joining the military. There was a easy way to figure out how dangerous this kid was or rather how much more dangerous he was considering he was a fire bender. 

“Have you ever killed someone?” Hakoda asks crouching before the boy lifting his chin in one hand so the boy had to look him in the eye with those gold colored star eyes. “What? No ... I don’t think.... No.”  The kid seemed confused the blood on the back of his head suggested a head wound but this kid was young probably just assigned to a ship only to get knocked overboard by either by a storm or by another soldier. Those eyes probably didn’t make him popular or the fact that this kid’s eyes kept sliding away from Hakoda’s own suggested he may be a fey child. 

“What do we do with him?” Somebody asks as they watch the kid cough up water, curling and uncurling his fingers against the wood of the deck his eyes cast down. “We keep him for now. His mother is probably Water Tribe war bride if he is star eyed. Have Kustaa check him over and if he survives we figure out what to do from there." Hakoda announces to the crew. They took care of their own and until they figured out who his mother was and could turn him over to her family if she had any left the crew of the Akhult would take care of him for now. Half Water Tribe and the child of a war bride was still Water Tribe and like hell were they going to turn him over to the Fire Nation to continue using as a weapon.

Kustaa later informed him the boy had hypothermia as well as potentially severe head trauma it was hard to tell right now. The kid mistook him for his uncle. Which uncle they weren't sure. It's possible the boy's mother had a picture of her family she either managed to take with her or she drew herself or he could be thinking Kustaa was his father's brother. The escape attempts didn't help some of the crews opinions on keeping the kid but considering he was raised as Fire Nation and was in a strange place so its expected that he would try to escape although climbing the mast was something Hakoda really wished he didn't do along with scaling the side of the ship.

Kustaa had mentioned the boy called for his mother while delirious along with begging his father for forgiveness pledging his loyalty to him and pleading no to the man which didn't paint a pretty picture of the man or gain much favor of the fire nation in the crews opinions. "Tell me about your mother." Hakoda suggests sitting up on the mast beside the boy. Glowing gold eyes blinked at him. "I remember trailing robes. She favored long sleeved robes with delicate embroidery. She had long hair I remember her brushing mine when I was little. I would sit in her lap and she would brush my hair talking to me about theater or turtleducks or plants. Different things she liked. I think I would sometimes tell her about my day or what I had done recently I don't remember clearly its... faded almost. Fuzzy. I barely remember what she looked like."

Hakoda frowned the boy was water tribe he had to be with those star eyes of his but why wouldn't his mother tell him about her people, her home. Maybe she couldn't? Maybe the boys father was so controlling he made sure she never spoke of home to their son? Then the boy said something that made him rethink everything he knew about the kid. "Uncle said my hair is alot like hers. Or it was. I don't even remember why I shaved it." The kid frowned obviously struggling to remember rubbing his head with one hand. The head wound had left him confused he didn't rember his name or much of anything recent but he remembered he had been burned for cowardice supposedly or partially for that but what did the fire nation consider to be cowardly? Kustaa suspected the boy's own father burned him based off what they gleaned from fever dreams and night terrors.

“What did she look like?” Hakoda questions softly holding his breath hoping he was wrong with the hunch he had. “Elegant, beautiful, she had long straight black hair that was so soft and amber eyes with flecks of true gold in them she wore long sleeved red robes with elegant embroidery. The sleeves would bellow and she would hide me in them when I was little.” The boy continued to talk about his mother someone he remembered fondly although all the details suggested the hugs, the turtle duck kisses and every else stopped when the boy was small. Something happened to his mother and Hakoda was beginning to suspect it may have something to do with the boys true parentage. But how to suggest it to the kid without breaking the poor things mind? The whole crew already suspected he was spirit touched as the water tribe liked to call those who were different mentally the earth kingdom called them fey and not all of the earth kingdom where kind to them. 

“If I promise no one on this ship will hurt you and we won’t turn you over to the Earth Kingdom will you stop with the escape attempts?”Hakoda asks when the boy falls silent picking at the grain of the wood under his hands not meeting Hakoda’s eyes. The kid blinked up at him startled. “Okay.” Getting the kid down the mast was surprisingly easy after that and a few more rules were hashed out before the kid was sent to see Kustaa again and the crew was gathered. “The boy’s mother was fire nation. He remembers her more clearly then anything else.” This drew murmurs from the crew some wanted to toss him over board then since he wasn’t the child of a war bride. “But he’s star eyed he has to be Water Tribe.” Toklo says tilting his head in confusion. “Exactly. We know he seemed to have issues regarding his father and Kustaa suspects he may have been the one to burn the kid. I learned his mother also disappeared or may possibly have been killed when he was young.” This gained more murmurs from the crew. 

Panuk pulled in a sharp audible breath. He had figured out what Hakoda was getting at. “Does any one here know where they were about 16 to 17 years ago? If they were around the Earth Kingdom or the colonies anywhere?” Their chief had to ask if none of the men on this ship was the boys father he would have to send messages out to all the others in the fleet see if anyone remembered if maybe had met a pretty woman in the Earth Kingdom or in the colonies and spent a night with her. If the kids mother was Fire Nation and he was star eyed that meant his real father had to be Water Tribe. His mother had to have married or started a new relationship soon after and the boy looked fire nation enough to pass him off as her husband’s but the husband probably suspected what with the star eyes. There was silence followed by an uproar. “You can’t be serious?!” Aake shouted in outrage. “I’m not judging anyone but the boy is water tribe and with his mother gone we most definitely are not giving him back to the Fire Nation so we need to figure out whose he is. We take care of our own.” Hakoda soothed the crews ruffled feathers listening as the men scrambled to remember where they were and what they were doing all those years ago.

Slowly they managed to clear the majority of the crew those who couldn’t remember were left struggling valiantly to justify why they couldn’t possibly be the boys father while their youngest two crew members watched with glee obviously in the clear themselves due to their age. Once Kustaa cleared the boy Hakoda set him to work and had to add no breathing fire to the list of rules. Toklo and Panuk made friends with their newest crew member over laundry and the boy was very shouty about women’s work. And then the issue over the kid not having a name he remembered came up. Names like Siqinq, Kallik, Cupun, Tulok, Yuka and Tulugaq were tossed around. He is pretty sure they settled on Tulok simply because they already have a Tuluk and Toklo on board and that name is almost a combination of the two plus it had a star meaning behind it. The boy just wanted to fit in.

Reds were changed for Toklo’s blues and the boys hair shaved to regrow properly after Kustaa managed to break it to the kid that a real father wouldn’t abuse his son, biological or not. They picked up Bato who sympathized with them for wanting to keep the star eyed child, teach him his real culture, and find his real father but the kid was still a fire bender. A fire bender on a WOODEN SHIP!! The boy, Toluk looked like a kicked polar puppy being denied sleep in the hammock he was used to and his usual snacks when ever he wanted. They still had a lot of work cut out for them when the kid thought he would be killed over a bending accident because he didn’t fully remember he needed to mediate to control his fire. His memories were still patchy at best. So Hakoda ended up with his temporary foster star eyed child sitting in his cabin breathing with a lantern holding a dog.  

The kid liked sea prunes proving he was Water Tribe at heart. He was good at using his fire bending for non evil purposes even if he protested it. He proved he shouldn’t be left alone in port either by himself or with his friends. He gained a piercing, two rusted swords, a theater scroll and a cabbage? No one seems to know about the cabbage. He can cook as it’s proven despite how spicy his cooking is and nearly gets kidnapped by prostitutes. Sex workers were not on the list of people Hakoda thought he would have to fight for custody of Tulok with. He nearly gets himself kidnapped by a Earth Kingdom solider they are allied with who seemed sure their boy was then dead prince of the Fire Nation. Never mind that the prince was dead and their boy was star eyed. The solider was surprisingly unfazed by the heat of the kids cooking. He didn't end up kidnapped despite his best efforts.. The kid really needed to stop climbing the mast. “Prince Zuko?!” Hakoda’s kids seemed to also mistake Tulok for the dead prince. 

“That’s the Prince of the Fire Nation, dad he chased us all over and tried to capture the avatar numerous times. His sister did capture Aang.” His kids argued trying to convince him that their new foster brother was some evil prince. The kid in question for his part had more headaches then usual and just seemed more confused and angry. He remembered something. A little sister named LaLa. It takes a while but after watching their new brother and listening to the crew, “His name is Zuko, he is the prince of the Fire Nation, his father is Fire Lord Ozai does no one care about that?!” Sokka asks in outrage staring as the kid in question does laundry like its a perfectly normal thing for a prince to do. “His mother may be fire nation but his father sure isn’t.” Panuk comments dodging a wet shirt thrown by their resident fire bender.  This earned laughter and calls of “Good for her!!” And “She could do a lot better!” Followed by “At least a water tribesman would treat her right!!”. Sokka groaned in frustration and confusion. 

“Why is my nephew wearing blue, convinced Ozai isn’t his biological father and that he is water tribe?” General Iroh the Dragon of the West questions calmly. Tulok seemed to recognize Iroh and even called him Uncle and recognized some of the crew but he still didn’t have complete clear memories although his headaches grew worse until Kustaa told him it didn’t matter if he remembered or not he was water tribe and nothing was going to change that spirit touched or not. “He is star eyed you can’t possibly tell me the fire nation has star eyed kids that’s a water tribe thing only.” Iroh considered it briefly before dismissing it. His nephew looked similar to a young Ozai, so Ozai had to be his father even if he wasn’t much of one and his nephew deserved better then Ozai. But surely Ursa couldn’t have had an affair while married to Ozai it was impossible. Iroh tried to do the math off the top of his head of when Ursa and Ozai married vs when Zuko was born. “Look the obvious answer here is that the boys mom met with a Water Tribe beefcake and had a one night stand that lead to the boy. It’s the only thing that explains why his supposed father hated him so much and why he struggled with fire bending and is star eyed.” Bato explains grinning. “Beefcake?” Hakoda and Iroh question. 

Azula finds this all far to amusing. “That just means I’m the rightful heir after all. You can stay here with your little water tribe family and I can be the next Fire Lord after Uncle.” Somehow things get worked out that their star eyed fire bender’s fire nation sister will be staying with them along side her two scary friends and the kids supposed Uncle will become the next Fire Lord once they take down Ozai. The kid is still confused and there are still gaps in his memories but they aren’t giving him back now he is their’s and the fire nation can’t have him. They still call him Tulok since the fire nation does consider the sun to be a star after all. He seems to like it better then Zuko. He still does their laundry still wears beads in his braids in red, blue and one gold. In all that’s happened no one thought to alert the rest of the fleet about what they learned leaving them in for one heck of a surprise when they reach Chameleon Bay where the rest of the men from the fleet scramble to try to remember where they were sixteen-point-nine years ago. 

[shirophantomvox]

“Longing for Attention” Illumi x Reader

Hello anon! Thank you for this awesome request! This story consists of a little angst and fluff towards the end. I can truly say that this story is the closest to Illumi’s canon characteristics. If you all did not know, I am celebrating my 100 follower goal! If you’d like to participate in this event, click this link. Please note that requests for this event will close on July 15th at 12 AM EST. The post will have all of the rules and prompts!

👁 👁 👁 👁

“I swear I’ll haunt you in your sleep, Zoldyck! ‘Ya hear me, boy?!”

A body thudded as this man’s speech was cut short. A tired Illumi Zoldyck came calmly walking towards his target with the straightest face ever. Even at the sight of blood, darker than any he had seen, his lips remained neutral and his eyes remained half-lidded as they were. The sound of the mini heel on his green loafers echoed as he continued to approach the deceased man before him. The ballroom was completely empty, leaving Illumi all by himself for who knows why and what else could happen.

Being a bounty hunter was challenging in itself but being a bounty hunter and dating an assassin is a totally different story. Criminals began to spread the word of your alliance with the Zoldycks and formed many gangs to retaliate against you both. Both of you have been shot at, stabbed a few times, and even been robbed! After being robbed at gunpoint and dealing with trauma, it nearly made you quit your job because of the stress and life endangering events faced almost everyday but for Illumi, it didn’t phase him at all. Not in the slightest. After being robbed of his engagement ring, he simply went to another jewelry store and bought another. He did not cry, quiver, or shutter.

After Illumi phoned his father and gave him a brief overview of his success, he proceeded to the exit. The light flickered, giving the impression that an eerie figure stood at the end of the hallway. Electricity hummed the closer someone approached it, sounding like a fly trying to find its way back outside. An atmosphere like this one did not bother Illumi in the slightest but he did not like being there no longer tha needed.

“Y/n! Y/n! I know you can hear me!”

“Now is not the time to play around. We need to vacate the premises immediately,” He thought to himself. He began to bang on doors, opened them up, and yelled your name to the heavens trying to find you.

“Oh! I know,” he said out loud, snapping his fingers.

He opened a tracking app on his iPhone that displayed all of his contacts that had recently shared their location with him. Once he began the search, it revealed that you were 400 kilometers away. Tracking your phone was something he did every time he could not find you. At times it was adorable and sometimes it was weird and intrusive. Illumi’s intrusive behavior stems from his mother, Kikyo and no matter how you put it, it is very unhealthy. Caring can easily turn into an obsession that can make you do unsound things.

“Illumi! I am in the bathroom. Can you give me a second,” you ask, slightly irritated, washing your hands quickly. You did not want to keep him waiting any longer. It was always a mystery if it was his anger or anxiety that prompted him to bust the door down just to make sure you were safe. Poor Illumi Zoldyck. His expression of love and how he cared for others was rather odd and unusual. It is safe to say that you were the best thing that has happened to him.

As you open the door, he stands with his long arms crossed in a huff, his long legs creating an upside down “V” shape gazing at you a slightly angry about your disappearance halfway through the mission.

“Where were you,” he asked, moving closer to you. “While I had to complete both of our jobs, you have been playing around in the bathroom.”

“Illumi, you’re—“

“Shhh—“ He placed his index finger over your mouth, bending down at eye level, and smiled devilishly. “—I’ll still pay you but you owe me a favor.”

“—But I wasn’t playing in the bathroom!”

As you were pleading your case, Illumi nonchalantly typed away on his phone. He quickly showed you his screen that listed your every step within the last few hours. It displayed where you were, the longitude and latitude, who you spoke with, and if you took any pictures. You had no idea that a smartphone could disclose so much personal information and since you have shared your location with him, he has access to it all.

“—Care to tell the truth?” Illumi raised his left eyebrow, using his somewhat intimidating tactic used when he was a child.

“Fine. Ugh! Why do you have to be like this?”

“Like what?”

“You’re…too overprotective. Give me some space sometime! Hell, you might be pleased to know where I was.”

“Pleased?! I nearly had a heart attack when I realized you were not by my side! Are you satisfied that my heart weakens everyday?”

“You’re so dramatic. You might want to take up acting, you know.”

“Ha, ha, so funny,” he said flatly.

As you roll your eyes in irritation, Illumi closes the leftover space between you two. Still bent over at eye level, he places his large hand on your cheek, blinks twice, while his straight face remains. His cold hearted personality seemed to always overshadow his body but all of his warmth seemed to be omitting from his palm.

“I care about you deeply. I cannot have you running away doing God knows what while we are on a dangerous mission like this one.”

“Illumi, I—“ He places his index finger over your mouth again, shushing you as he continues to, as they say, pour his heart out for once.

“I understand that you are a bounty hunter, but if I’m being honest it is a much different line of work than being an assassin. It is my job to care for you while I complete some of the harshest tasks on Earth.”

“I’m not a child, Illumi. Do you want to know what I was doing? Those longitude and latitude readings are very wrong, by the way.”

“Huh? Ok…where were you then?”

Still, your face was placed in his palm, his large eyes staring in yours somehow made you feel lost. Your delayed answer made his palm involuntarily tighten.

“I bought you this pocket sized white teddy bear…?” This statement was propositioned as a question rather than a statement because you were afraid of how he’d react. He was already startled and giving him a plushie would only make it worse. Instead of reacting calmly he would assume that giving him a plushie would imply that he was weak.

“…Valentine’s Day is a few days and I know you’ll be in Las Vegas handling business so I decided to buy you something that will remind you of me while you’re away.”

The small plushie was a white teddy bear holding a heart. It’s eyes were as big as Illumi’s. Before you could hold it up to him, he grabbed it rather gently, stood up straight, and held it in front of his eyes for examination. He turned it around a few times as if it was on a rotator. He placed his index finger inside of the keychain loop and finally smiled. He placed this small object against his heart just before he bent down to meet your eyes once again.

“I always think of you. Come to think of it, that must be why my shots have been off.”

His face scrunches in a humorous way. As usual, his smile fades away and returns to his neutral look. Illumi’s silence signaled that his mind was running a million miles a minute. So many questions and feelings begged to be released but something was preventing him from doing so. You could tell by the look on his face that he wanted to suffocate you with a bear hug but he wouldn’t do it. He has been trained to think that assassins do not need friends, cannot express their feelings, and can only do what is needed to get the job done. It’s ironic; the Zoldyck children are not allowed to have friends but they are allowed to have lovers only so they can reproduce and keep their legacy alive. Love has no part in their marriages; they are only contracts, literally. As in love as Kikyo and Silva were (and still are), it would seem like they’d emphasize the importance of love to their children. As a result, they all have adopted an odd way of showing affection for others.

In this instant, Illumi’s face appeared to be more endearing than before. His face had darkened significantly, his cheeks were fatter like they were stuffed slightly, and his eyes twinkled. You smiled as you have truly found the key to his heart. All this young man wanted and truly desired was to be loved not for his abilities or job, but for him and only him. Your warm hands, now on his cheeks, felt overwhelmed with warmth. Just the sight of him at that moment was breathtaking. The flickering power, the unrest souls in the next room of his targets, and the eerie atmosphere seem to fade while you gazed into his eyes. Pressing his cheeks together, puckering his lips was indeed both an amusing and cute sight to behold.

“You are so adorable, Illumi. Did you know that? This “bad boy” behavior and clutching a teddy bear is too much to take in. I might just send a photo to your mother. She’ll screech and tell the entire world.”

“You wouldn’t dare do that ,” he said, words muffled; lips still puckered. He seemed to flush more and more every time you’d remind him of how vulnerable he is right now.

“Try me!”

“Mother would just embarrass me, you know that!”

“I know. Then I’d be able to see the sweet, soft assassin that I see now. All warm and cuddly. I’m sure you just want to sit in the back seat of your Dodge and just fall fast asleep, am I right?”

“I plead the 5th,” he said flatly.

“I was right! Ha, ha!”

“Would you pipe down already?”

Illumi’s right hand was placed directly behind his torso carelessly pressed against his lower back. He appeared to be in pain but made no mistake. If asked about it, he’d lie just to debunk any statements about him being weak.

“What is in your hand? Let me see it.” Your demanding tone turned into one that a mother has, specifically Kikyo.

“It’s nothing,” he said, slightly wincing in pain.

“Let me see it now, Illumi or I swear I’ll—-“

“Fine! Fine! Just don’t make a big deal about it, alright?”

A promise is a promise; that is what you said to Illumi as you agreed to not over react once you saw his hand. A healed bruise nearly scarred the entire base part of his hand. A light red dotted cut looked as if someone took a exacto knife and grazed it. You gazed back into his eyes. He looked hurt; longing for attention for a cut that had already healed. As childish as it may seem, just the slightest bit of attention is something he craved, even if something like this had been healed a long time ago. Him wincing was something he conjured up to grasp your attention. He raised his hand in front of your mouth, leaving it bent for you to grab.

“Do you want me to kiss it and make it feel better?”

“Please,” he replies, smiling slightly again.

The touch of your soft, moist lips made his smile grow larger, his cheeks flushing yet again. A few overlapped lipstick stains remained on his hand, something he might get tattooed so everyone knew who he belonged to.

“Why can’t you be this way every time we finish missions? We could have sooo much fun.”

“If I have too much fun, I’d abandon my remaining missions and father would not like that at all. He might even put out a contract on me.”

You sigh somberly. Illumi had his moments of anger, roughness, and kept his distance but moments like this, where he wasn’t afraid to allow his softer side resurface made you feel content as if you completed a mission of your own. Gazing into his eyes one more time, they sparkled greatly.

“At least I can enjoy this while it lasts.”

[triptuckers]

Honesty - Kaz Brekker x reader

Request: oh hell yea "I saw we could send in requests which you don’t need to tell me twice bc I have some things in mind if that’s okay? I had an idea for a Kaz x female reader where he’s had feelings for you for the longest time but has never acted upon those feelings due to his trauma. Until one day something doesn’t go as planned during a Dregs job because his thoughts are with you and he lost his focus for just a moment. This is the moment he realises he has to talk to you about his crush on you but when he looks for you he notices you somewhere secluded in the arms of Jesper making out. How would he react to the fact that the girl he has had feelings for has been secretly dating his right hand? Lots of angst if that’s okay? 😬" Pairing: Kaz Brekker x reader (plus some slight Jesper x reader) Summary: When Kaz finally figures out his feelings for you, and wants to tell you about it, he finds something he wasn't prepared to see Warnings:  angst oh god so. much. angst. let's see what else uhh mentions of violence, bruises, language, kaz being a lil jealous jerk Word count: 2.6K A/N: this is the one yall I got this request and HA I was so ready to write some heartbreaking angst, get ready for this one (also I wasnt sure if I had to tag this as kaz x reader of jesper x reader, but as you can see I went with kaz) TAG LIST (grishaverse): @ayushmitadutta @mrs-brekker15 @dancingwith-sunflowers @thegirlwiththeimpala @parker-natasha @story-scribbler @romanoffstarkovs @daliareads @meiitanoia @itsnotquimey @sanktaesperanza @whymyparentscheckmyphone @aleksanderwh0r3 @ilovemarvelanne1 @marlenaisnthappy TAG LIST (Kaz Brekker): @mufnasa @Janesofia7 @stairscortana add yourself to my tag lists here

Because it was a one-person kind of job and it involved picking quite a few locks, Kaz told the crows to take the night off, while he took care of it.

Given that it was very rare for Kaz to tell you all that you could have the night off, neither of you was stupid enough to question it. Instead, you all wished him good luck and took off to do all those things you normally missed out on when you were away on a job.

Everyone trusted Kaz to be able to handle a simple job on his own. You'd spend enough time with him to know he'd be alright.

And he was.

It was indeed a simple job, all Kaz had to do was sneak into a merchant's home, pick the lock of the safe in the office, steal an important contract between two merchants, and get out.

Part of him liked the solitude of wandering around a big house in the dark. But another part of him wished you'd be there with him. Kaz had shook his head to get you out of his mind, and continued to do the thing he needed to do.

After successfully completing the job and getting the contract he needed, Kaz is standing in front of a closed door, listening for any sounds in the hallway on the other side of the door.

His minds wanders off to you again.

You'd wished him good luck before he walked out the door, and you'd given him one of you signature smiles. Saints, he loved your smile.

He was sure you could fix anything, all you had to do was smile at him. You comforted him in so many ways, and you probably had no idea. Though you could figure it out if you sensed something was going on.

The clues were all right there, all you had to do was find out all the times he asked for you help were all just excuses to be able to spend more time with you.

It was stupid, really. He would invite you up to his office to go over plans for a job, even though he had figured it all out already. He'd pair the two of you on jobs. He did anything to be able to spend time with you.

A cloud slowly moves through the night sky, allowing the moon to illuminate the room. The sudden light abruptly brings Kaz back to reality.

He'd been standing in front of the door for way too long, just thinking about you. He curses himself for losing his focus. For allowing himself to get so lost in his thoughts on you.

Kaz really needs to do something about it. It's almost embarrassing how starstruck he is by you. And he really can't have you distract him on a job like that again, even if you're not in the room with him.

After listening again for sounds in the hallway, Kaz slowly pushes the door open. Upon discovering the hallway is empty, he steps out of the office and makes his way to the front door of the house.

All the way back to the Slat, he's thinking of ways on how to tell you. He's never been really good at talking about his feelings. And he wants to make sure he tells you the right thing. The last thing he wants is to stutter to try and find the words to say to you.

Eventually, he settles on just getting you alone first. He'll figure out what to say after that.

The walk to the Slat takes a while, given that the Barrel is on the other side of Ketterdam. His leg starts to ache but he ignores it, he'd endured worse.

When he finally sees the Slat in the distance, he notices there are still some lights burning. The window of your room is dark. Kaz hopes you're just sitting downstairs.

But when he enters the kitchen, it's nearly empty. Except for Nina, who is sitting there having a cup of tea before bed.

'Hey!' she says. 'How'd it go?'

In response, Kaz shows her the folded piece of paper.

Nina grins. 'Told you it would be an easy job for you.' she says.

'It was.' says Kaz. 'Have you seen Y/N?'

To his surprise, Nina starts smirking.

'Oh yeah, I've seen Y/N.' says Nina. 'She went out back a while ago.'

Kaz moves to walk to the back door but Nina speaks up again.

'Kaz, I wouldn't do that if I were you.' says Nina. 'I don't think she wants anyone to see her.'

He gives her a confused look, not noticing the playful look in Nina's eyes. He then starts to worry about you. Did something happen to you? Why didn't you want anyone to see you?

Kaz quickly walks to the door and opens it, ignoring Nina who yells at him not to do so. He abruptly freezes in the doorway.

You're indeed there, but you're not alone. A tall figure, who Kaz quickly identifies as Jesper, has you pinned to the wall of the alley.

Aside from the street lamp, it's completely dark. It's hard to tell which limps belong to you and which ones belong to Jesper.

Kaz just stands there, rooted to the spot. He can't move. He just stands there, watching the girl he fell in love with kiss another man. And it's not just any other man, it's Jesper.

The cheerful sharpshooter who had been his right hand for so long. He'd been by Kaz' side for years, joining the Dregs just shortly after you had. Jesper had managed to save Kaz a number of times with his quick shooting. And now he's standing there, kissing you.

Kaz feels sick, like he's going to throw up. Like the air got knocked out of his lungs all at once. The world is spinning. This must be some bad dream, he was asleep and this is a nightmare, it isn't real.

But then you finally seem to notice something is going on.

You pull away from Jesper and look past his arm, to see Kaz standing there with a bewildered look on his face.

'Kaz?' you say, not letting go of Jesper. 'Are you alright? Did something happen on the job?'

Jesper turns around as well now, curiously looking at Kaz.

Instead of looking at you and answering you, Kaz turns his attention to Jesper. The sick feeling in his stomach fades away and gets replaced by anger. Jesper had the guts to kiss you, his girl.

Rage takes over, the same kind of rage that had gotten him the name Dirtyhands. It flashes like a red light in front of his eyes. Without wasting another second, Kaz raises his cane and jabs one of Jesper's legs, sending him to the ground.

'What the fuck, Kaz!' you yell at him.

You rush over to Jesper's side, but Kaz roughly shoves you away with his cane, kneeling next to the taller boy. He angrily looks at him, gritting his teeth.

'You don't get to kiss her just because I can't.' says Kaz in a low voice.

Both you and Jesper look confused, having no clue wat Kaz is talking about.

'Saints, what on earth are you talking about?' says Jesper, rubbing the sore spot on his leg.

'She belongs with me, and you can't kiss her because I can't- because I won't- I forbid you from it.' says Kaz.

You look at Kaz, not believing what you're hearing. You'd never seen him like this, so angry, so full of rage. And you'd never seen him use his cane to hurt his crows before.

'I don't know what the fuck you are talking about.' says Jesper. 'But I'd appreciate it if next time, you'd say something instead of using that damned cane of yours. Now if you could excuse us, we went out back to have some privacy.'

Kaz' eyes widen in anger and you watch in horror as he raises a fist and swings it down, hitting Jesper's cheek hard. Before he can strike again, you catch a hold of Kaz' arm and drag him away from Jesper.

You drag him all the way back through the door and into the kitchen. Nina looks up, probably having heard something was going on. It takes one look from you for her to hurry up the stairs, leaving you alone.

You take Kaz over to one of the tables and roughly push him into a chair.

'Stay here.' you say as you glare at him.

Kaz, a feeling of numbness washing over him, doesn't protest.

You walk out the door again and he can hear you softly talking to Jesper. A while later, you and Jesper walk into the kitchen. Kaz sees a bruise is already forming on Jesper's cheek, right where he hit him.

Jesper looks at Kaz with a mixed expression of pain and confusion on his face.

You find some ice and put it on Jesper's cheek.

'Keep that on there.' you tell him. 'Go upstairs, I'll come to your room in a second. I have to talk to Kaz first.'

Jesper nods and as soon as he's out the door, you furiously turn to Kaz.

'You're going to tell me what the fuck that was about right now. No lies, no excuses, you're going to tell me the truth. Now.' you say, dragging out a chair and sitting down in front of Kaz.

'You don't get to kiss her because I can't?' you say, repeating the words he said earlier. 'What the hell was all that about?'

Normally, Kaz knows exactly what to say. All the time. He's always got an answer ready. But whenever it's just the two of you, it's like he forgets how to talk.

'Well?' you press on. 'Say something, for Saints sake!'

When he still doesn't say something, you slam your hand down on the table, and Kaz flinches slightly. You never got this angry.

'I don't want to see Jesper kissing you because I want to do that. That should have been me.' says Kaz.

'Well you can't even take your damn gloves off, did you really think you'd be able to kiss me?' you say in a cold voice.

'With time, maybe.' says Kaz.

You sigh and softly shake your head. You've been part of the Dregs for years. You care a lot about Kaz. But the bond you have with him is just not a romantic one. Apparently, Kaz didn't think so.

'You fucking hit Jesper.' you say, your voice less loud. 'He's going to have a bruise on his cheek.'

'I was angry.' is all Kaz says.

'Clearly.' you say. 'You need to apologise to him.'

Kaz looks at you. 'Yes, Kaz, you have to say you're sorry.' you say.

When Kaz gets up, you stop him.

'Not now.' you say. 'He doesn't want to see you.'

Kaz sits back down again and starts to avoid your gaze. After sitting in silence for a while, you sigh.

'Why'd you have to do it?' you wonder out loud.

'I don't know.' says Kaz. 'Just- seeing someone else kiss you like that, it made me so angry. Like something snapped inside of me.'

'If your really feel the way you say you feel about me, why didn't you say something sooner?' you say.

'I was scared.' admits Kaz. 'That you wouldn't have me because I wouldn't be able to kiss you, to touch you.'

'Physical affection isn't the only thing in a relationship.' you say.

'I know, I know, I just-' 'Kaz.'

He finally looks at you and you can see he's hurt. But you'd rather tell him the truth than lie to protect his feelings.

'Even if you would be able to touch me, a relationship would have never worked. Not for me, at least. I'm sorry, Kaz, I'm not going to sugarcoat it.' you say. 'I love you and I care about you, but not like that. I'm in love with Jesper. We didn't tell you or the other crows because if word gets out, people will see it as one of our weaknesses. I don't want to know what they'd do to get to me, or to get to Jesper.'

You look at Kaz, scanning his face for a reaction. He's letting your words sink in, thinking about them.

'Look, Kaz, I'm sorry. I'd rather tell you the truth than lie to make you feel better. I love Jesper, and right now, I have no intention at all of breaking up with him. You're going to have to find a way to deal with that.' you say and you get up.

'Apologise to him tomorrow, I'll talk to him.' you say. 'And next time, use your words. Not your cane or your fists.'

Kaz watches as you walk toward the stairs, to get to Jesper's room. He watches you as you disappear out of his line of sight. Regret starts to set in. He shouldn't have hit Jesper. He just felt so angry when he saw you with someone else.

You love Jesper, and there's nothing he can do about it. Right now, all he could do was sit in silence, getting lost in his thoughts wondering about what could have been if he had only talked to you sooner.

Meanwhile, you have reached Jesper's room. You knock and open the door, finding Jesper sitting on the bed. He's still got the ice pressed against his cheek.

'Hey.' you say as you walk up to him. Jesper briefly smiles at you but winches immediately at the movement. You sit down next to him and carefully take his hand in yours so you could remove the ice and take a look at his cheek.

Indeed, the skin of his cheek is red, a bruise forming. You lean in to softly press a kiss to his cheek before putting the ice back in place.

'What did Kaz have to say?' says Jesper.

'Um, that he has feelings for me. And that seeing you kiss me just made him angry. That's why he hit you.' you say.

'Should've used his words instead.' mumbles Jesper.

'That's what I told him.' you say. 'But I also told him to find a way to deal with it, because I am not going to break up with you.'

At your words, Jesper smiles. 'Thanks for kissing my war injury better.' he says, making you chuckle. 'I love you.'

'Love you too, Jes.' you say. You smile and get up to go and get ready for bed.

Little did you know that Kaz was standing right outside the door. He'd stopped there on his way to his room on the top floor. The three words you spoke to Jesper stung in his chest.

He'd give anything to hear you say those words to him. But you had made it clear that wasn't going to happen. Eventually, Kaz would have to find a way to deal with it.

After all, both you and Jesper are two of his most valuable and skilled crows. He couldn't just dismiss you because you love each other.

He'd find a way to deal with it. But not tonight. For tonight, he settles for going to his room and opening a bottle of kvas instead.

A/N: If you want to request something, make sure to read my house rules Here’s the list of characters I write for. Everything that I have written can be found on my masterlist. Please don’t repost my work, as I spend much time and effort on it!! Thank you for reading! Much love, Marit

[ninthhousedyke]

Nona The Ninth Live Blog - #4

Okay so now that I’ve screamed, cried, and thrown up processed the last few chapters I have some more concrete thoughts to give about Day 3.

Kiriona Gaia huh? Damn, that was not the direction I saw that going. I distinctly remember writing a fanfiction idea where John fucks around with Gideon’s memories and makes her his genocidal daughter, but never did I think TM would actually GO in that direction. Not saying Kiriona’s nuts, hell I’m not even sure if she’s alive yet because she just kinda did nothing except sit there. Maybe John’s just placing Gideon’s corpse around and doing necromancy so she looks alive while he tries to figure out how to unravel her soul from Harrow? Cause he did say that it was impossible to take Gideon’s and Harrow’s souls apart at the end of GTN, so maybe Kiriona is just a corpse? Maybe?

Although villain!Gideon would be hot…..

And what is the significance of Kiriona as a name? Like I tried to look it up and there’s not much but apparently it IS a Māori name, and one variation of it (Kiriana) actually means ‘lord’ which I found funny, but otherwise there’s not much else. I get the Gaia part because John’s surname is the male version of Earth so Kiriona gets the female version as a surname.

Anyway, other news…IANTHE! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED HERE?

She’s a brunette now? She’s using Naberius in her name? She’s a Prince? She’s one of the Tower Princes? What the fuck? Something’s gotta be SERIOUSLY wrong for Ianthe to WILLINGLY put Naberius’ name anywhere within her own AND change her appearance. I’m counting this on my Nona Predictions Bingo as her becoming more unhinged because this is a scary level of Ianthe behavior.

there’s probably a good reason for the title change, but I’m loving the thought that because Ianthe was the only Lyctor left John looked at her and said, “you know what? You get a promotion.” And just whipped up a higher title for her because he had nothing better to do.

The water levels rising in John’s dreams is the River, maybe? Is he actually dreaming or is he in some type of stasis within the River? Trying to find Harrow’s body? Back to my above theory that Kiriona isn’t actually alive and John is just stalling, is he using the River to track Harrow and Gideon’s thalergy to find them and take Gideon’s soul back, but in the meantime just trauma dumping to Harrow?

Whoever he’s speaking to doesn’t seem like Harrow though?? Like he calls her Harrow but then he keeps referencing “they didn’t care about you” as if she were around during the original Earth when that’s impossible since Harrow is a descendent of Anastasia.

Also also, the fact MERCY was an atheist, then went on to found probably the most insanely religious House (the Eighth) is equally sad and hilarious.

Hot Sauce I will die for you. You are precious. You are such a painful echo of Jeannemary, which I think is the point. Also, who are you working for? If it’s not BOE then who else? A more unorthodox faction of BOE? Another rebel group we don’t know yet? I just want to wrap you in blankets and give you Mac and Cheese; please don’t go to war and die baby.

The Angel has GOT to be important somehow. Undercover BOE? Undercover Cohort? WHO ARE YOU

Pyrrha? Where are you?? Don’t be dead. Please don’t be dead. Please don’t die yet. I know you probably will but I’ve only had you for 100 pages so please don’t die yet.

ALSO so Gideon is the skull painted face Nona is seeing in her dreams? I just assumed it was Harrow’s, or even Anastasia, but it’s GIDEON! This just cements my theory that Nona is Harrow with brain damage or amnesia of some kind (overexposure to the River?) cause who else would dream about Gideon?

Also love how Harrow in literally any form will always fall for Gideon’s eyes. They are pretty aren’t they baby.

Tamsyn Muir giving us two female characters with the typically masculine royal title of ‘Prince’ is making me feel war and fuzzy inside.

Back to John’s background monologue dream stuff, like dude I don’t know what to tell you but if someone just randomly erected a wall of animal corpses to fend off the cops I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect many people to be on your side. Like ACAB and everything but a wall of animal bodies as a defense? Yeah not really a good “hey trust me” moment.

ALSO I don’t know if it was in this section but the lines “what’s the internet?” “See I did create a utopia” are still making me cackle. Because on the one hand that’s hilarious, but on the completely other hand, John baby literally every single thing you touch now needs copious therapy, so I think we need to rethink the definition of utopia. if I have to choose between resurrection beasts, burning people in cages, necromantic death cults, body-soul fuckery, and planet murder or the internet I’m gonna choose the internet.

I think that’s all my thoughts! I’m dying to read more but I have stupid homework to do (screams) and my cold is clinging to me desperately so maybe I’ll post another live blog tomorrow. For now, here’s my updated Nona Bingo sheet! I also realized I can’t get a diagonal Bingo because I was struggling hardcore to make my app work with me as I made this, and I did not have that many good predictions in the first place because I have a ✨smooth brain✨ but I can still get a Bingo up and down or 4 corners. (Do I really want a Bingo though? Like is that really something I’m aspiring to?)

[one-more-offbeat-anthem]

after the credits

to thirteen years of cas and of the greatest love story ever told...an empty rescue fic for y’all :) 2.3k,  read on ao3 here

--------------

After a while, Castiel gets tired of watching. He’s practically dreaming all the time, but he’s so tired.

Eternal sleep is not restful.

He can’t leave the Empty, but he manages to mold it, with his mind, into a theater. He went to one once, with Dean, and there are probably nicer theaters, like those for plays and operas, but this movie theater is right for him. If he concentrates, he can almost smell burnt, buttery popcorn and spilled soda and old carpet, and Dean right next to him, aftershave and car oil and whiskey.

Almost.

The scenes unfold in a memorable order, because they’re Cas’s own memories. At first, he tried to jump in, alter the scene, but he’s powerless. So, like clockwork, he watches. He’s saving Dean in hell. He’s being stabbed in the chest by the same man he raised. He’s asking Dean to get answers from Alastair and then almost getting the grace pressed out of him. He’s slamming his palm onto a bloody sigil. He’s--

Everything, all of his twelve years on earth, pass by, over and over and over again.

Right now, it’s an early scene, not far into the cycle. It’s not one of his favorites, because he can see the expression on his face, remembers exactly how he felt. Remembers that he he was feeling at all.

“That was a pretty awkward kiss, huh?”

Cas turns sharply at the sound of Dean’s voice. Of course, Dean does talk in this scene, before he kisses Anna. But this Dean is sitting next to him, frowning at the screen.

“You’re not supposed to be here,” Cas says.

“I know.”

Chances are this is just the Empty trying to mess with him. Last week a random trashcan showed up in his theater. Or maybe it was last year, or a millenia ago, or five minutes from now. Time is weird.

They keep watching in silence. On the screen, in the memory, Cas’s head jerks away from the sight of Dean and Anna kissing. The scene flips then, to a park at night, Anna right in front of Cas, no Dean in sight.

“For the first time, I feel...” Memory-Cas says.

“It gets worse,” Anna warns.

“So your first feeling….” Dean starts.

“It was something.” Cas can’t look at him. The scene on-screen changes.

Dean, to his merit, doesn’t press.

The memories progress through the year they spent trying to stop the apocalypse, the year that ended with Sam diving into the pit and Dean going off to Lisa’s. Then through Cas starting to work with Crowley, a conversation that happened right behind Dean without his knowledge.

On-screen, Cas is watching Dean rake leaves. The expression on his face is nearly mournful. After a moment, Crowley steps into view.

“Ah, Castiel. Angel of Thursday. Just not your day, is it?” Crowley says.

“What are you doing here?” Memory-Cas asks.

“I want you to help me help ourselves.”

“Speak plain.”

Crowley smirks. “I want to discuss a simple business transaction. That’s all.”

“You want to make a deal? With me? I’m an Angel, you ass. ”

The scene flips again.

“Is there a way to pause this?” Dean asks.

Cas shakes his head. “It just does this, on a loop. I can’t sleep. The Empty won’t let me.” He puts a hand on the armrest between them. “I forced the theater up, to make it better.”

“It looks a lot like that theater we went to once.”

“I know.” Cas stares at Dean for a moment, looks away.

Many of these scenes are things Dean knows of. Cas works with Crowley, gets locked in a ring of fire, feels his chest seize up as Dean looks back for a moment. Watches the Leviathans lead him to a lake. They meet again on porch steps, Cas unable to remember who he is but still able to figure out that Dean is important. Cas gets his memories back, takes on Sam’s hell trauma. They go to Purgatory, Cas stays behind. It’s like clockwork.

Until.

“I don’t remember that,” Dean says slowly, watching himself die on the screen. “You never--you’ve never killed me.”

“Yes and no.” Cas knows what’s coming next--he’s going to kill Dean thousands of times. Each one is the same, with Cas in tears as these copies, mock-ups of Dean struggle, beg and plead, tell him not to. Each time, Naomi makes him do it again.

Until, finally, he doesn’t hesitate.

And she says he’s ready.

As they watch that scene in the crypt unfold, with the real Dean at Cas’s mercy, Dean leans forward, putting his elbows on his thighs and propping his chin in his hands. “You lied.”

“Hm?”

“You said you didn’t know what broke the connection.” Dean twists his head to look at Cas. “But you did.”

“I did,” Cas assents.

They watch Cas ride cross-country on a bus, pulling out his phone and almost calling Dean over and over again.

“Is there a way that we can see some of my memories?” Dean asks.

“You’re not supposed to be here.”.

Dean shrugs. “Well, I am here, and you figured out how to make a friggin movie theater, so I think I can do it.”

The image on the screen shudders, coalesces, breaks into a million pieces and then reforms. Dean is standing on the edge of a lake, picking up Cas’s coat, still covered in Leviathan goo. “You dumb son of a bitch,” Memory-Dean mutters, wrapping up the coat in his arms.

The scene flickers again--the coat in those same hands, moving from car to car to car, and then being passed to Cas. “I always knew you’d come back ,” Memory-Dean says. It’s a soft scene, almost, but then it flips to Dean seizing a monster’s collar in purgatory. He’s covered in blood and grime as he shoves the monster up against a tree, practically growling, “Where’s the angel?”

Even after the monster answers, Dean guts him.

It’s a cycle. The memory blurs through sleepless nights, through Dean stepping into streams to pray, prayers Cas knows well. It pushes past Cas letting go of Dean’s arm in the portal, and here’s something else new: Dean sees Cas on the side of the road, sees him outside the window while it pours down rain, sitting bolt upright at the phantom sight of Cas’s face.

“Why are you here?” Cas finally asks. This must really be Dean, after all. The Empty wouldn’t know these things, wouldn’t be able to dream them up. They’re too good, too honest.

“To bring you home.” Dean kicks the back of the seat in front of him, leans back in his own chair.

“I can’t go home.”

“You should.” The scene on screen rapidly changes--it’s Dean as he looks now, carrying a little boy on his back. The little boy is blonde, round-faced, holding onto Dean’s neck for dear life, laughing as Dean swings around.

“Is that--” No, it can’t be.

“Yep. He’s four, you know.” Dean clears his throat. “He misses you.”

“I wish I could have gotten to say good-bye.” Cas trails off.

“Come home. Then you never have to say it.”

Cas shakes his head. On the screen, Dean is reading to Jack, Jack following the words with a chubby finger. “It would be...awkward.”

“How?” Dean raises an eyebrow. “We’re family, dude. Jack misses you, Sam misses you, and Eileen’s been hanging around, and me…” Dean clamps his mouth shut.

That’s why.

“Things aren’t going to be the same. Not after…” Cas takes a deep breath. “What I said. We won’t be able to ignore it.”

“Then we won’t.”

“Dean--”

“You don’t know?” Dean’s eyebrows furrow. “You don’t know. Okay. I, uh…” The screen turns black.

“You what?” Cas is almost afraid to know.

“I didn’t want you to see this.”

The blackness unfurls into Billie’s library, Dean standing in front of her. They’re clearly in the middle of a conversation.

“What do you want me to say?” Memory-Dean asks. “Doesn’t matter. I don’t matter. ”

“Don’t you?” Billie replies.

“I couldn’t save Mom. I couldn’t save Cas. I can’t even save a scared little kid. Sam keeps trying to fix it, but I just keep dragging him down. So I’m not going to beg. Okay, if it’s my time, it’s my time.”

“Dean--” Cas starts, but Dean just looks at the floor, like he’s trying to avoid this.

“You really believe that,” Billie says. “You wanna die.”

“When was this?” Cas asks, speaking over the rest of Billie’s statement.

“It was...right before we, uh, got the call from you. That you were back.” Dean leans his head all the way up, looks at what would be the movie theater’s ceiling, if it wasn’t in the void. “I had a bad time. I…I would show it to you. But I don’t want you to see me like that. I held it together enough to wrap your body and burn it…”

“Hunter’s funeral.”

“Only kind I know how to do.” Dean swallows, audibly. “I’m doing what I can now. Having Jack to take care of, and Eileen around, too, helps. But it’s…” He finally looks at Cas again. “Please let me take you home. Please come home with me.”

Cas would do anything for Dean Winchester. He has done anything for him before. So he will grant him this, at least the illusion, because Cas knows he can’t leave the Empty. He’s trapped here for eternity.

He takes Dean’s hand.

-----------------------------------------

There is a little boy crawling on him.

“Daddy,” the boy says, poking his face, “I know you’re awake.”

“Jack,” Dean says, from somewhere up above, “Cas is still sleeping.”

Cas blinks rapidly. “‘M not.”

“Shouldn’t’ve said that.” Dean releases Jack, and Jack fully clambers onto Cas.

“I missed you,” Jack says.

“I missed you too.” Cas holds onto him, tight. He’s so small, like he’s supposed to be. A kid. Safe.

Cas thinks he might be in Dean’s bed.

The bunker, he discovers, looks much the same. He was gone for four months, in which time Dean and Sam took care of Chuck, Jack became a kid, and Eileen became a permanent fixture. When Dean and Sam aren’t looking, she signs to Cas, “He already looks better.”

“Who, Dean?” Cas signs back.

Eileen nods. “He had a pretty bad time.”

Dean turns around then, and Eileen presses a finger to her lips.

There’s not a quiet moment for the rest of the day. Sam explains what happened--”You might be human now,” he says, and Cas replies, “I’m not tired yet.”--and Jack wants Cas to read to him and play Barbies and racecars and puppets (apparently Dean built Jack’s little puppet theater, which--).

After dinner (spaghetti and meatballs, and Dean has a Coke instead of beer, Cas notices), everyone goes off to bed, and Cas realizes he is tired, which is something to think about.

He starts to head to the room he typically stays in, but Dean seizes the top of his arm. “Nope, you’re coming with me.” Dean drags Cas down the hall towards his room.

Cas hadn’t gotten a good luck at it earlier, what with Jack climbing all over him, but he sees it now. Dean’s bed unmade, scraps of random paper littered across the dresser, a picture Cas recognizes because he and Dean are wearing cowboy hats, and now he knows how Dean was really doing right before that case in Dodge City--

There’s also a dent in the wall. That’s new.

Dean follows Cas’s gaze. “I chucked a whiskey bottle at it. Sam took the rest of my stash the next day.” Dean steps over, brushing the drywall’s cracks with his fingers. “I didn’t fix it up so I wouldn’t forget.”

I couldn’t save Cas. I can’t even save a scared little kid. Sam keeps trying to fix it, but I just keep dragging him down. So I’m not going to beg. Okay, if it’s my time, it’s my time.

“Dean,” Cas says, “Tell me in words.”

“What?” Dean turns away from the wall. “Tell you what?”

“You know.”

Dean swallows, licks his lips. “I’d say don’t ever do that again on the whole dying thing, but I said that to you once and you didn’t listen. And maybe if I say it the right way now, you’ll stay, but…” Dean slumps, sits on the bed. “You can’t leave again.”

Cas touches the wall himself before sitting next to Dean on the bed. “I’m not going to.” He isn’t sure if he’s allowed to touch Dean.

Dean touches him instead, leaning into Cas, finding one of Cas’s hands, holding it tight. He’s crying, Cas realizes. “I love you,” Dean says into their joined hands, then his chest wracks with a sob. “I was always so sure that if--” another sob, “If I said it, you’d leave. Get taken away from me.”

“I’m not going to leave,” Cas repeats.

He isn’t sure how long they sit like that, but Dean finally straightens up, lets go of Cas’s hand, wipes his eyes with the back of his own. “Pajamas,” Dean says, standing and crossing to the dresser. “We gotta get you some of your own, but…” He digs a pair of sweats out of the drawer and tosses them to Cas. “These’ll do for tonight.”

Cas doesn’t ask if he can stay. Dean doesn’t ask him to leave.

With the lights out, it’s pitch black, almost as inky as the Empty, but Cas can hear Dean breathing, so close to him. The bed is almost too small for both of them, so they’re nearly chest-to-chest. Hardly ever have they been this close. Never did Cas dare to dream it.

In the dark, under the covers, the world outside of this room, Dean kisses him. It’s flat, soft, a brush of lips, the barest ghost, but it’s enough. More than enough.

Cas is home.

[jadelynlace]

Ink Drinker / Modern Vikings AU [Ivar x F!Reader], Chapter 6

catch up here!

synopsis: Ivar was only meant to be a friend with benefits, but he caught feelings for his older brother’s best friend, and co-worker: you.

pairing: Ivar x F!Reader

***content warning [PLEASE READ]: this chapter has the after effect of the trauma call, and too many emotions. surgical mentions and medical terminology are in this chapter as well. anything in italics indicates a flash back.

author’s note: I’m so sorry.

 ~

“Floki, why can I be left alone?” Ivar asked.

“Because the last time you were left alone you ended up with fifty thousand milligrams of pain killers in your stomach. Now, come here—do you know this?” Floki replied with his fingers taping the photo copied image.

“I drew that.” Ivar said back.

“Yes, you did. Where do you want it?”

“What do you mean?” 

“You hate your body so much why don’t you cover it in something you like?” 

*

It is sixteen hours that Ivar is in surgery. His world is dark, nothing but, with pierces of noises that he can recall. But trying to decipher them only makes the surroundings dull, caked in black and muffled with a buzz of an unruly bee hive. There are pokes of pain, he remembers the green light, and he remembers the pot hole he swerved to miss. He doesn’t remember how fast he was driving and the second he was over the yellow line made no difference for the sudden beast of a truck to find him. 

Everything below Ivar’s powdered knee caps are reattached. Grueling hours on the table while he’s sewed back together like a monster. Enough time for Hvitserk to get clothes, to get you clothes, to pack a bag for his brother per your request. Even in the presence of clean laundry you can’t take your blues off yet—they’re holding you proper because you just saw Ivar that morning. You two made love in the low morning light, filled with ecstasy, his seed and then he made you eggs with extra hot sauce and hugged you tightly you were sure you stopped breathing. He told you to be safe, baby, like he did at the dawn of each shift and that he would call you when his last appointment was finished, and on his way back from shopping for supplies for the parlor and that you two would make lunch plans. In his speed, his haste to make sure he didn’t miss you before the two tone song of death would sing in the radios, he instead, became the reason it did.  

Your chief shows up when you tell him the nature of the emergency. Pulling additional personnel on for overtime and they take the rig out of service and from your hands. Words don’t spare any differences and although he offers you a hug, when you take it he slips you a piece of paper. 

“Remember the job you’re doing. And the change you’re making.” He whispers in your ear and you look at the folded sheet. It’s a photocopy of a poorly drawn fire truck with an even worse sketched stick figure, and you had scribbled it when you were five. Back when you met chief for the first time because now you hold the same badge number your father once did. 

“If I give you your Dad’s old badge number, are you going to act like a jack ass like him?”

“I can’t make any promises chief.”

“I have a partner in mind for you, you’ll like him. He’s a good kid. A good medic.”

“This good kid got a name?”

“Yeah, Hvitserk. I’ll introduce the two of you.”

This is the call that shapes you as a medic, as a provider, and changes how you see things. This is the call that sends a new person out into the street, whether Ivar lives or not. This is the call that forever holds terror in your heart because he was laying in the back of your ambulance, and that was the one spot you never wanted him to occupy. 

Aslaug walks through the doors and she’s already two tissues deep into a soggy mess. Hugging Hvitserk and hugging you and you wish you were meeting this woman for the first time under any other circumstance. Floki thanks you and you don’t quite know why, even though the words fall heavily and un-calming, he still thanks you. And when the surgeon returns before the four of you, you’re the only one that doesn’t stand. But he calls your name because you know him, he was lab staff that tested you for your certifications and he told you that you’ll make a damn good medic one day. 

“Remember what I said on the day of your exam?” He asks and you nod, puzzled and impatient looks on the other faces. “You are a damn good medic—you both are.” He adds, eyes jumping from yours to your partners. “And it shows on this call, of all of them.” Hvitserk’s shoulder nudges you and you only nudge him back, perhaps little too hard in your delirious state. “Essentially what we did, was replant the lower portion of each leg. Now, given the extent of his injuries and how his body handles such, I don’t have a clear cut answer for you on his overall mobility. He may need to have screws implanted, he may need prosthetics. He’s going to be in the ICU for the next 48 hours for constant monitoring. We’ll have him sedated so his body can focus on what’s at stake. He’ll need physical therapy for a long time, and he’ll likely be disabled for the rest of his life, given again, how his body handles this. It’ll be a long road. But, like I said—you two are damn good medics and that is the one reason his legs were able to be saved. I will let you know when he’s moved to the ICU.”

You look back at your partner and his face is as blank as yours; influx of emotions just ready to dive from the void but your minds are still churning, still processing all of what boomed from the doctor’s mouth. Ivar’s chance at returning to a normal life was resting in your hands and you two gave the best damn efforts and they worked. The countless hours of dissection, wondering if you’re cut out for this career, these responsibilities, hours of trauma and blood and vomit all fizzle away because you now know that you are. And it just took Ivar to prove it.

When your eyes open again there’s a sharp pierce in your temple, scrunching eyes together and slowly moving, your head rises from Floki’s shoulder and the lights in the ICU have dimmed in the late hour. Impressions stood between his nostrils, falling like petals over his cheekbones, bleeding through split brows and pink flowers through the depths of his neck. His chest sinking and fainting with time, there was a moment of deafening silence when you are looking at his body; seemingly so small under the contraptions. The depths of earth, and the worst hell was seeing him lay on this cot. He’s only sedated now, even though Ivar looked of death, he was still alive under the harvest of wires. The words of how “we’re doing all that we can” do not bring any more comfort, they just take Ivar like a wave rapidly back out to sea. And now you understand how your patients, and their families feel when you speak the same phrases to them. The clinical assessments do not stop a rigorous schedule, motoring for the possible failure. The room is kept warm, and every so often when you will yourself to peek in, you can see the sheen of sweat that’s over Ivar’s forehead, dancing across his chest under the stickers, the monitors. The capillary refill on his toes show promise, and when the nurse says that to her doctor, you find yourself attempting the same motions on your thumb nail. Pressing the pink away and making room for the white, and then in a quick release, the pink swarms back. The ultra sound machines reminds you of the new equipment in your rig as it assess arterial blood flow every hour.

IV bags drip, slow and agonize and the change of wrappings, dressings and cleaning of both the limbs and Ivar himself collect. You spend hours watching the fluid levels sink, his eyes flutter, his fingers in his hand dance and you grow cold because you just want to hold him. To lock him in a steel tower and to constantly remind him how strong he is, because you know the longest road will not come from learning to walk. It will come from Ivar trying to find that he is worthy to live on.

Blackness had retired across your cheeks, wrapping a veil of makeup that melted into battle scars and you could not move if your body depended on it. Aslaug sits next to you; she takes her time wiping the makeup off from under your eyes, the soiled mascara and she’s humming to you. She had been telling you how when Ivar was young, she would sing to him and it would calm him down. How she sang to him in the hospital after he tried to overdose, tubes pumping his stomach as she blamed herself for such wrong doing. How Hvitserk blamed himself because he gave no one a warning cry. And how she’s singing to Ivar now, even though he can’t hear it, because it comforts the three of you as a whole. 

When your eyes follow the nurse into the room, you can hear her say something to Ivar and you watch his head turn in confusion. Grogginess and a fog on his brain as she talks to him like it’s a normal conversation; wishing him a good morning, how the weather looks promising for a beautiful day and you wish you had that level of bed side manner. You never get the promising parts of the journey; you get the patients that are coding and in a rush to the life saving team in the hospital. You love the ones who tell you their entire live’s story in the back of the rig on the way to the emergency room, sharing details and calming your mind with how simple, and yet how different every walk of life is. The nurse says something about you, about Hvitserk and Aslaug and Floki, out and waiting and ready to see him when he’s fit. You wave through the glass and there’s the tease of a smirk on Ivar’s face, even in his slightly sedated state. A dastardly, bastard smirk and his hand lifts off the bed slightly, wiggling his fingers back to you. The tears start up again, pounding a sledge hammer through your skull after all of the unruly pressure and messes of crying as your body tries to go numb.

“Where’s my mom?” You hear Ivar say in a voice that muted slightly as the nurse stands in the door way to exit. “Can I see my mom?” And the nurse nods. Aslaug stands and kisses your hair line as she walks into the vicinity, Ivar watching her and you need to back up, you need to walk away from the room, this hall way and this battle. A faint wheeze goes through your chest and Floki catches it first before Hvitserk has a chance to lift his head and open his eyes.

“Let’s walk, dear,” Floki says and his voice is not authoritative but it still demands you to comply as he loops an arm around your shoulder. “Walking can help to clear the mind.” It’s your first time outside in almost three days, and the sunlight burns you like you had been its victim on a sand covered shoreline for one too many hours. The hospital grounds are manicured, they’re neat and arranged with an abundance of flowers and colors in the open air but everything to you still feels so dull and lifeless, pointless and hopeless and walking only churns your thoughts to double, triple in size like a snow ball rolling down a hill. 

You’re finally allowed in to see Ivar and you approach slowly, like touching him will seer you suddenly, stain you with a unremovable pattern and you’ll forever be reminded. His blue eyes are dull and groggy when they open, the nasal cannula wrapping his face and your eyes dance over the scurf collecting on his jaw, and the faint bruising, cuts and scrapes on his skin.

“Hey baby,” His voice rasps and you kneel by the bed, tears already on their journeys to streak your tried skin and Ivar’s needle poked, IV covered arm comes to wipe what he can reach. “You were there, weren’t you?” And you can only nod, eyes still damp and you relish in the touch he gives you only if it’s for a second. “You saved my life, baby,” Ivar finally adds and that makes the whimper start again, the choke of a sob in your throat and he tries to quiet you, slithering a quick noise from his lips and you rest your head against the bed, his hand still on your hair. 

“I drove the ambulance over a hundred miles an hour,” You finally say and they’re the first words you can use to process the trauma you two had lived through together.

“That’s my girl,” Ivar smiles, speaking with a voice that sounds like sandpaper.

“I love you Ivar—no matter what happens, I love you so much,”

“I love you too, Y/N,” Ivar says and his voice is weaker now and he needs rest. “Kiss me before you go?” He says with eyes scanning your face, and you can’t deny that now. Pressing your lips softly against his, your hands cupping his cheek and you hope it’s not the last kiss you’ll ever get from him. “I’m not going anywhere, baby,” Ivar tells you. “I’m afraid. But I’m not going anywhere,” You nod as he speaks, a forehead against his for a second and his hand is still trying to reach on you where he can. This is the man that would pull the tubes and the wires from his chest if he could, if that would make him get closer to you. “You’re stuck with me,” And there’s a faint snicker after his words, weak and drowned out from the normal tone but you’ll take it after not hearing his voice for three days.

“I’m stuck with you,” You say back with a small smile. But it still doesn’t bring enough hope.

Ink Drinker Tags:

@smileysam13579 @dreamtherapy @heisentwerk @angelofthenightposts @ill-skillsgard @youaremyfamiliar @unbetaedimagines @kathryn-jane @readsalot73 @skrsgardspam @lihikainanea @queen-sarang @anastasiaskarsgard @andmyannabellee @walkxthexmoon @flowers-in-your-hayr @peachyboneless @heavenly1927 @istorkyou @victoria-styles @quantumlocked310 @xbellaxcarolinax @mighty-ragnarssons @alexhandersen-marcoilsoe-fandom @queen-of-upshur @nanahachikyuu @fandomlifeandeverythingelse @ivarhoegh @a5hl3y5ibley @hashimily @youbloodymadgenius @love-all-things-writing @theanxietyqueen17 @trip2themoon @tgrrose @synnersaint @kataphine

*please message me to let me know if you would like to be added or removed from my tag list. specifications for series/etc. are also welcomed, as well as feedback.*

full masterlist can be found here.

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 301: All My Todorokis

Previously on BnHA: We learned that when a bunch of superpowered villains are suddenly set loose with nobody around to stop them, things get fucked pretty quickly. Old Man Samurai and a bunch of other useless people decided to make “I pretend I do not see it” their new mantra, and resigned. Endeavor had a moment of despair on account of being crushed by the guilt of having ruined the lives of himself, his family, and basically everyone else in the entire world. For various reasons the heretical notion of “person who has done bad things feels sorry for doing them” sent fandom spiraling into a meltdown, so that was fun. The chapter ended with the entire Todoroki clan descending upon Enji’s hospital room to have a dramatic chat about Touya and All That General Fuckery.

Today on BnHA: Horikoshi is all “here’s the story of how Baby Touya slowly went insane trying to win his father’s love.” It’s a tale full of subverted expectations and heartbreaking inevitability, and also like twenty panels of the cutest fucking kids who ever existed on planet earth, who are so fucking cute that I can’t stop thinking about their cuteness even with all of the horrifying family tragedy unfolding around them. It is absolutely ridiculous how cute they are. Touya is out here pushing his tiny body past its limits because he inherited the same obsession as his dad and neither of them can put it aside even though it’s destroying them, and yet all I can think about is Baby Shouto’s (。･o･｡) face. Anyways what a chapter.

so I have to confess that even though I managed to avoid being caught off-guard by the early leaks, the number of people reblogging my Endeavor posts from earlier this week and using the tag “bnha 301” kind of gave me an inkling that this chapter will include more Tododrama lol. that said, I don’t know anything else about it, so we’re still good spoiler-wise

AHHHHH FLAHSBAKC AHHHH. omg I know I typoed the shit out of that, but I’m just going to leave it lol I think it’s fitting

holy shit holy fuck. so this is Rei and Enji’s first meeting, then??

yepppp, oh shit

so wait, I know this is not even the slightest bit important, but are they meeting at Enji’s home or Rei’s? because I always figured that Enji was the one with the super-Japanese aesthetic, but maybe that was Rei’s side of the family all along

(ETA: from what I found during my very brief google search, omiai meetings are often held at fancy hotels or restaurants, so maybe that’s what this is.)

there’s such a period drama feel to this setting. like it’s so outrageously formal fff how can anyone stand this kind of atmosphere though seriously

OH THANK GOD

I mean they’re still stiff af but at least they’re not rigidly sitting in seiza and staring at each other unblinkingly anymore lol. Enji’s actually got his hands in his pockets now. why is this somehow almost cute

oh damn it’s the flowers

Rei seems so subdued and it’s so hard to get any idea of what she’s actually thinking. I want to see her side of this dammit

but anyway, so at least from Enji’s perspective it seems like even though the marriage was arranged and he picked her because of her quirk, he still loved his wife and wanted to do right by her. the fact that he was watching her and noticed that she liked the flowers, and remembered that detail for all these years -- there’s a reason why Horikoshi’s showing us this. we know what’s going to happen later on; we know how much fear and violence and breaking of trust is coming up ahead, and while it may seem like this scene is serving to soften Enji’s character further -- which to be fair it is -- it also helps drive home the full impact of his abuse. that it’s so terrible not only because of the trauma of the abuse itself, but also because of the way it retroactively destroys all of the good things as well. this could have potentially been such a sweet scene, but it’s inescapably tainted by the knowledge of what’s to come, at least for me. and that’s just brutal

anyways, shit. is the whole chapter going to be like this?? feel free to toss in something I can actually make a joke about sometime, Horikoshi

oop, back to the present

omfg lol

“are you all right” “NO I’M NOT ALL RIGHT WHAT THE FUCK.” “oh, right, because of all the stuff that’s happened with me abusing you and you having a mental breakdown and being hospitalized for ten years and then our son coming back to life and killing thirty people, right, right. I almost forgot.” whoops

omfg you guys I’m loving this new and improved steely-eyed Rei. I’m loving her a lot

and what do you mean “part one” fkjds how long is this going to be. TOO MUCH DRAMA FOR ONE CHAPTER TO HANDLE

oh, hello

yeah I’ll say you did. didn’t seem to bother you much at the time, though

HMMMMMMMMMMMM

Dabi Is A Noumu intensifies even further. anyways though would you fucking look at this boy lounging on this moth-eaten couch doing his best DRAW ME LIKE YOUR FRENCH GIRLS impression wtf

Dabi what if you actually had killed him??? what would you feel?? satisfaction?? regret?? anything at all?? tell me your secrets goddammit

who are you talking to buddy

Fuyumi-chan, Natsu-kun (is it common for brothers to address each other as -kun?? can’t recall seeing that in many other anime, but hey), and “dot dot dot,,,,,, SHOUTO” lol thank you so much for this bountiful heaping of Tododrama Horikoshi we are blessed

AH, WHAT DID I SAY THE OTHER DAY

ULTIMATE MELODRAMATIC THEATER CHILD. “I’M JUST GOING TO LIE ON THIS COUCH SHIRTLESS AND ALONE AND MAKE SPEECHES TO MY FAMILY MEMBERS WHO AREN’T THERE AND SAY THINGS LIKE ‘WATCH ME IN THE PITS OF HELL’ WITH A STRAIGHT FACE BECAUSE NO ONE’S THERE TO JUDGE ME.” WELL JOKE’S ON YOU MISTER CHATTERBOX BECAUSE I AM IN FACT JUDGING THE SHIT OUT OF YOU LOL

(ETA: and on a more serious note, it’s interesting to see that “look at me”/”watch me” theme being used again though, because we see that same sentiment uttered repeatedly by the younger Touya in the flashback. well kid, you definitely got your wish at last. don’t know what else to say.)

OKAY HORIKOSHI HAS DECIDED THAT’S ENOUGH FUN, TIME FOR MORE FLASHBACKS

oh my sweet precious lord

just as cute as we left him. giving us a child this cute when we all know full well what’s going to happen to him is just unspeakably cruel though

HOMG

I’m fucking speechless. you broke me, congratulations. what am I even supposed to do with this

I can’t get over this. moving forward my life will be split into two distinct parts, B.P. (Before the Pout) and A.P. (After the Pout)

and meanwhile there’s ALL THIS BACKGROUND ANGST BUILDING UP, AND I CAN’T EVEN FOCUS ON IT. Touya’s arm and cheek are covered in bandages (I’m guessing this is shortly after that “ouch!” panel we got some chapters back), and Enji is deliberately avoiding training with him because he doesn’t want him to hurt himself further. I can’t fucking get over the irony that all this time everyone thought Touya had died because Enji pushed him too far in his training, and it turns out that it’s the opposite -- the tragedy ultimately happened because he didn’t want to push him. but I’m jumping ahead of myself though I guess

by the way,

remember this?? just wanted to remind you that it exists just in case you forgot

so now someone is talking and basically saying that Touya is the exact opposite of what Enji was hoping for when he decided to start playing with quirk genetics

-- okay hold up

...lol no, never mind. for a second I thought “holy shit he looks kind of familiar WHAT IF IT’S UJIKO OMG” before I remembered that Enji would have recognized him during the hospital capture mission if that was the case. so NEVER MIND, PROCEED

IMAGINE THAT, ENJI DOESN’T QUITE SEEM SATISFIED WITH THIS SUGGESTION OF QUITTING NOW

(ETA: how the fuck did this man go around saving 62 towns in a single day what even is All Might.)

[clicks tongue several times] trouble a’brewin’

MEANWHILE BABY TOUYA HAS UNFORTUNATELY INHERITED HIS DAD’S STUBBORN STREAK

KLDIHWOEIJFL:KSDJ

!!!!!!!!!!!

oh my god. oh my god. what is this chapter. WHAT IS IT

so now Touya is all “YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND MY MANLY DESIRE TO BURN MYSELF ALIVE” well you got her there champ

THEY’RE TOO CUTE. OH MY GOD. HIS FURIOUS LITTLE TEARS. HER CHUBBY LIL FACE. HIS STUBBY LIL FISTS. SOMEONE HELP ME

also are they just home alone lol or what. “hey Touya, you’re what, like six now?? do us a favor and look after your baby sister for a couple hours for us would you? make sure not to set yourself on fire or anything.” WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG!!

now it’s nighttime and Enji and Rei are arguing, presumably about his decision not to train Touya anymore

whew. okay. so, a couple of things here

1. first of all I think this conclusively shows that Enji really was trying to do the best he could for Touya. he stopped training him as soon as he realized it was hurting him, but Touya was still determined so he tried to make it work anyway, and even visited doctors to try and figure out if there was anything they could do. then, once they were absolutely sure that it wasn’t going to work, he tried multiple times to explain to Touya why they had to stop. he didn’t just abandon him out of the blue, which is really important to note. “no matter how much I tried telling him...”

so yeah, that debunks another common fandom accusation. so by the time he finally makes this decision, which we all know is going to turn out horribly, it’s basically because he’s already tried everything else he could think of. which, by the way, still doesn’t mean he handled this right. but at the very least he was taking Touya’s feelings into account and he was trying, and he didn’t just abruptly toss his son aside (at least not yet)

2. buuuut, then there’s this panel right below all that

which is the other side of it. if he’d just quit like the doctor person advised him to, that would have been the end of it. Touya would still have been upset, but he would have eventually gotten over it and the family would have moved on and possibly even been happy. but what happens next happens because Enji can’t let go. he still has this maddening urge to surpass All Might, and so he and Rei keep having more children, and then Shouto is born, and Enji finally has a kid he can start projecting all of his hysterical ambitions onto once again, and everything starts spiraling out of control soon after

though p.s. none of that is Shouto’s fault though!! he’s one of the few good things to come out of this whole mess and I’m very happy that he exists. the tragedy is that his dad fucking lost his mind over his quirk and fucked everything up. but that’s on him, not Touya or Shouto

anyways, SLKFJLSHGLKJL

I CAN’T FUCKING TAKE THIS YOU GUYS??? LOOK AT THAT LIL BUTTON OF A NOSE??? I’M LOSING IT HERE???

AND TOUYA JUST SEEMS DEVASTATED OMG

because children aren’t stupid, after all. he understands that his dad is still looking to surpass All Might. and so he feels like a failure, and feels like his dad is trying to replace him because he wasn’t good enough. and even now, isn’t that what the adult Touya is trying to prove?? that he was good enough after all?? “I’ll show you what happens when you give up on me, dad”?? “I’ll show you what I can do”?? fuck my life fuck everything

AND YOU CAN SEE THE TOLL THAT IT’S ALL TAKING ON REI GETTING WORSE AND WORSE AS WELL OH GOD

really nice touch here with the panel outlines becoming all shimmery from the heat of Endeavor’s flames (and/or becoming more unstable as the family gets closer and closer to their breaking point). but man, Horikoshi I can’t handle this, please show us more cute kids or something I can’t

GKELKWFJLDKSHFLKL

WITTLE BABE. BEEB. BUBS. SMOL. lkj; oh ouch a piece of my heart just detached and latched onto him huh look at that

TODOROKI “I’M SO SMALL AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON AND I DIDN’T ASK TO BE HERE” SHOUTO AHHHHH

crazy how they all just seem to know right off the bat lol. kid doesn’t even have object permanence yet, let alone a quirk. but do they care?? IT’S THE HAIR, RIGHT. WE’RE ALL THINKING IT, I’M JUST GONNA COME OUT AND SAY IT. they knew the minute they looked at him lol

AND MEANWHILE TOUYA IS OFF HAVING UNSUPERVISED TRAINING/CRYING SESSIONS IN THE MOUNTAINS OR WHATEVER, AND, UH OH

are those blue flames yet?? they seem pretty close

(ETA: this is one of the few cases where the manga being in black and white is infuriating lol.)

OH MY GOD AND STILL

so it’s not like he was so disinterested that he didn’t notice what was happening, and he was still trying to stop it and get through to him. trying to reassure him that it wasn’t the end of the world and there were other things he could do with his life, but this one particular thing just wasn’t going to happen

fucking hell. it’s agonizing seeing how close they actually were to fixing it. if he’d only said the right words, or if he’d realized at this point how destructive his obsession could be to his kids, and backed off from putting that same pressure on Shouto. we came so close to possibly having a happy ending

AND ALSO THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING BUT PLEASE LOOK AT HOW TOUYA IS LIKE THREE AND A HALF FEET TALL AND HIS DAD IS LIKE NINE AND A HALF FEET. Touya barely comes past his knees flkjlkg. the Todoroki household must have been so filled with like plastic stepstools to reach the bathroom sink and all the little baby toothbrushes, and baby gates to keep the kiddos out of the important grown-up rooms and stuff. and also days-old half-empty cups of water and stale crackers and hot wheels and my little ponies strewn everywhere

“BUT EVERYONE AT SCHOOL SAYS THEY’RE GONNA BE HEROES” a wild Deku parallel appears?? how bout that

I know this is like a pivotal moment in the Todo Tragedy and all, but fucking look at this lil dumpling

“sup bro, it’s me, the manifestation of your fears of inadequacy and lack of fatherly affections. a GAAA. ba-baAA-baa [gurgling baby sounds]”

OHHHHH IT’S THE SOUND OF MY HEART BREAKING OH NO

HE WANTS TO BE LIKE YOU ENJI. good lord somebody please just get this family some therapy

“DAD YOU IGNITED IT IN ME” flkjslkj nope, nope. not ready for this pain here

baby Shouto, would you like to weigh in on this affair? “DA!! ba-ga-daaa, [pacifier chewing noises]” oh my, you don’t say. so insightful for one so young

OH MY GODDDDDD

IT’S SO DRAMATIC BUT ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT ARE THE SHOUNEN WOOSH LINES SURROUNDING FOUR-MONTH-OLD SHOUTO LOL HE WAS LIKE THIS FROM BIRTH OH MY GOD I AM DYING HELP

SHOUTO YOU’RE RUINING THIS ENTIRE CHAPTER!?!?!

“yo, the fuck kind of family was I fucking born into” oh, son. if you only knew. IF YOU ONLY KNEW!!

(ETA: lmao I got so distracted by the ridiculous cuteness that I glossed over the fact that Baby Touya seems to possibly be aiming at him?? it’s hard to tell because he’s also super out of it from heatstroke and may just be losing control in his attempt to show off his upgrade.)

ANYWAY THAT’S THE END EXCEPT WHAT’S THIS LAST LINE OMG

ffffff. and we’re in for ANOTHER chapter of this next week?? MORE drama?? MORE BABIES?? MORE OF EIGHT-YEAR-OLD TOUYA’S SLOW DESCENT INTO MADNESS. MY HEART CAN’T TAKE IT, BUT ALSO YES PLEASE SIGN ME UP

[soldierswar]

Kobik - Chapter II

Bucky x Reader

Fluff/Angst

Chapter summary: You and Bucky begin to face your new reality.

Chapter 1

“Sam was right. You do have a staring problem,” was the first thing said between the two of you after you broke the news almost 5 minutes ago.

His face was still white even after sitting down. You sat across from him, you both being in the same spots that you were in before your outburst.

Out of all of the ways that you had imagined telling him would be like, this wasn’t anything close to any of your scenarios. Granted, the reaction itself was pretty on par with what you expected.

“When were you going to tell me?” he asked still in a trance. His eyes continued to dart from the ground to your stomach back and forth.

“I found out a couple of hours before you left. I didn’t want to freak you out before—”

“And how long did you plan on keeping this from me?”

“Really? That’s your first thought?” you snapped.

“Yeah,” he retorted.

“Well maybe I was just waiting for the right time, but obviously things don’t always go as planned!”

You and Bucky had never planned to have kids. The mere idea of it scared the hell out of you guys. So for the most part, you were pretty careful.

“How did this even happen?��

You leaned forward and looked him dead in the eyes.

“Bucky,” you said.

“I’ll give you one guess.”

He shook his head.

“You know what I mean.”

Suddenly a little voice crept up on you startling the both of you for a second.

“Is everything okay?”

Bucky was the first one to look at her, and you couldn’t help but notice the softening of his features; especially in his eyes.

“Yeah. Everything’s fine, kid. We’re just talking,” he said in a comforting tone.

She frowned suspiciously as though she wasn’t convinced, but she let it go.

You thought that seeing her after Bucky told you about her whole history would have made you even more afraid of her. But looking at her now, you saw the innocence in her that Bucky was so adamant about convincing you that she had. Honestly, she was kind of adorable once you got used to some of her unnatural features.

You turned your gaze back over to the house where Sam was standing at the doorway. You wondered if he heard anything from your intense conversation.

“Are you guys done with your little moment or not?” Sam shouted.

You looked over at Bucky whose eyes were still on Kobik with a nervous expression. You realized that once again you had almost completely forgotten the whole point of your little argument, and now he was struggling with what you told him and what to do with Kobik. Now you kind of hated yourself for doing all this to him.

So you did what you now felt you had to do and let out a big sigh.

“I don’t have a car seat.”

Bucky’s face looked a little confused.

“And I guess she’s tiny enough to sleep on our giant couch,” you continued. Now he was understanding.

“But I swear if there’s a moment where we’re in any type of danger—”

“Y/N, I would never—”

“I know.”

You knew that he wasn’t lying. One thing that you always trust was that he would do anything to protect you; even when you didn’t always trust his judgement with some of his risky/impulsive decisions. But him protecting you from bad people was how you two had met in the first place.

“Hooray!” she exclaimed jumping into Bucky’s arms. Something that would be seemingly normal for a child of her perceived age; except for the fact that she jumped from an impossibly far distance, and seemed to float slowly as she went down to wrap her own arms around his shoulder. Almost like there was an invisible parachute over her.

This was going to be interesting.

…

In the hours since Kobik had come home with the two of you, there was no denying that you were avoiding her. You felt a little bit guilty about it, but it wasn’t hard to tell that she was kind of avoiding you too. You couldn’t blame her, you didn’t exactly react in the best way in your initial interaction.

You checked the time on your computer. 7:00. You hadn’t realized how long you had holed yourself up in your office under the guise of catching up on emails. In all fairness when he saw how anxious you started getting when she began exploring the apartment, Bucky did suggest that you go rest or something said that he would handle her. Whatever that meant. You also had to admit to yourself that Kobik wasn’t the only one you were avoiding. You and Bucky were incredibly tense after your outburst, and you haven’t had space or time to talk about it yet.

When you walked into the kitchen to grab a glass of water you could see Bucky sitting in the living room with Kobik on his lap.

He was reading her a story from his iPad. It was what you remembered to be an excerpt of a story from his favourite book of short stories. She looked calm, and honestly quite comfortable. In fact, she was in the midst of falling asleep. Your heart might have melted if you weren’t so freaked out about the thought of her having some type of trauma-induced nightmare and burning a hole through the ceiling or something crazy like that in her sleep.

You decided to shake that thought and walked over to the bedroom to let yourself collapse onto the bed. And yet, when you got there you could not let yourself relax. All you could do was lay on the bed and stare at the ceiling wishing that you could feel numb inside instead of feeling everything else it was that you were feeling weighing down on you.

Not too much later you felt Bucky sit down on the bed right next to you. With that, you began to feel something along the lines of dread. You knew that this was the moment where you’d have to face whatever new reality you both had looming over you. The short-term ones, and the long-term ones.

After you sat up you both stared at each other not knowing where to start.

Finally, you decided to talk first.

“So how long do you think this is going to go on for?”

“Not too long,” he stated.

“We just need to find out who it is trying to find her and why. We have a few people looking into it now.”

“And then what?”

He let out a slow tired sigh and shrugged.

“After that, we just need to figure out who with and/or where she’ll be able to live with long term.”

You nodded, feeling a little relieved that he wasn’t going to try to convince you to keep her forever.

“Speaking of long term.”

‘Oh great,’ you thought.

“Yeah,” was all that you could say looking down at your still flat belly. You were still too scared to touch it like there was something or rather someone actually in there.

“How long?” he asked.

“I already told you how long I’ve known.”

“I mean how far along?” he clarified.

You suddenly thought about how cuddling with the tiny humanoid weapon in your living room might be more fun than having to go through this conversation.

“I mean I haven’t really gone to the doctor yet,” you stated.

“But if I did that math right…about 2 months.”

He didn’t say anything. Or rather, couldn’t say anything; which did nothing but succeed in driving you mad.

“Again with the long pauses?” you snapped.

“Y/N…”

But one look into your pleading, probably now red and puffy eyes made him stop.

And that was the moment when you began to cry. Days upon days’ worth of tears fell down your cheeks as sobs wracked your body. So instead of saying anything yet, he just held you. He wrapped his arms around you and rocked you side to side until you were finally able to calm down again.

“I’m sorry,” he said softly against the top of your head.

You furrowed your brows and looked up to meet his gaze.

“I’m sorry about how…terribly I’m reacting to this.”

You weren’t sure why but you suddenly felt a little laugh bubble over you, but you held back.

“If it makes you feel any better,” you sniffled.

“I immediately threw up, and then cried for three days straight. So I think I win.”

He let out a light chuckle before his eyes began to glaze over as he sunk deep into his thoughts.

You gave his hand a reassuring squeeze bringing him back to earth grateful that you were finally being the calmer one in this situation.

“We’re gonna figure this out,” you said giving him a soft smile.

“Yeah?” he responded wearily, returning the reassuring squeeze.

You shrugged.

“I mean we haven’t really been left with much of a choice now have we?”

He kissed you on the top of your head and sighed lightheartedly.

“No, I guess not.”

He turned to lay down with his head on his pillow and pulled you to lay comfortably in front of him.

“You know I love you no matter what, right?” he whispered while carefully resting his hand on your belly. And now you wanted to cry again. But instead of crying, you assured him,

“Always.”

You laid there for a while in silence but in peace. Also, you were exhausted. You both were. No matter how anxious you two might have been, it was one of those days where you would definitely not be fighting sleep. So as sleep came, you let it. You let it take you away into blissful oblivion.

But moments after you found yourself properly asleep, you were suddenly awoken by a child-like scream followed by a loud bang.

Kobik.

...

Thanks to all of you for all of the love I got for chapter 1. I'm pretty excited for the next few chapters. I hope you enjoyed.

Tagged:

@typicalnerd98 @veroxloki @white-wolf-buckaroo @closeyoureyes---makeawish @acciosiriusblack @pastel-boy-sungjae

[quartzwriting]

Whatever It Takes

Pairing: Doctor Strange X Fem!Reader

Description: After Stephen flew away as dust, you had taken care of the world. But The Avengers approached you with an idea to bring everyone back. You joined them, now finding yourself up against Thanos alongside your partner again.

Warnings: Funeral scene

Word Count: 1.8k

A/N: Originally posted to Quotev

Part 1: Infinity War Story

Part1.5: Hypothetical Endgame (original plot)

Five years later, and you and the Avengers were so close to victory.

After spending weeks stranded on a ship with Tony and Nebula, starving and so close to not making it, being brought back to Earth gave you a spark of hope.

You took over in protecting the Sanctum, and staying in contact with the Avengers. Spending countless hours perfecting your magic, getting stronger and being the best you knew Stephen wanted you to be. You still grieved, and fell into a depressed state while trying to improve your magic. What else did you have to live for when the one you love is gone? That spark of hope soon began to die.

When they called you to help with their idea of time travel, you instantly took up the offer, wanting everything to be back the way it was. You were assigned in getting the Time Stone, and went back to 2012 to only find The Ancient One protecting it. She recognized you, oddly since this was a past version of her, but that told you she probably saw into the future ahead of time. She gave you the stone when you told her Stephen gave it up, and said that he did that for a reason.

Things seemed to be falling into line perfectly, when the stones were together and Bruce reversed half the universe dying. But that's when chaos erupted. Destruction, ruin, and fear when Thanos showed up.

Now you watched in shock as Cap laid there, badly beaten and out of breath, knowing you needed to jump in. The cloak flowed around you, dancing in the wind as you flew down to stand beside Steve. You stared down Thanos, and summoned energy to create the Rings of Raggadorr. You felt your body shake with power, energy flowing around you catching the cloak and your hair. Thanos had taken down Tony, Thor and Steve now...

But he still had to go through you.

There was shuffling at your feet, and Cap started to get back up. You shook off one of your rings and offered a hand to pull him up. Your hands stayed locked when he fully rose, and he gave you a solid nod. His blood and dirt soaked face, his pale graying skin, pained your heart. Yet he stood with you, ready to keep fighting.

Whatever it takes.

Then there was a sparking sound, and you whipped your head around. You knew that sound, the sound of a sling ring portal opening. Portals began to open around the battle field, people stepping out in large numbers and recognizable faces all coming together. A massive Wakandan army, a goddess on a pegasus, friends of Steve and Tony, Pepper in a Iron Man suit, sorcerers baring the mystic arts and countless more powerful beings.

At the centre of it all, was Stephen.

It hit you that this was his plan from back on Titan, and he called everyone here to finish it.

Without hesitation the cloak flew you over to him, and you couldn't help yourself but threw your arms around him. He did it back and the cloak left your shoulders to rest itself on his.

"Sorry I’m so late," He said, and hearing his voice again was enough to make your eyes water, "but this is how we win."

You looked at him taking in the features of his face; his determined filled eyes, and tight jaw. This told you he was ready for a fight. Glimpsing around you, warriors of all different abilities surrounded the area. Something told you that this was it, the fight of your life.

And you were ready.

"Avengers!" Captain America called out to your army.

You glanced at Stephen, smirked, and threw your hands down to summon a spell. It exploded around you, powerful energy engrossing your body. His eyes lit up, and he smiled.

And you were an Avenger.

"Assemble..."

You ran into battle, and all the strength detonated.

You found yourself battling will all the power built up over the years, and also all the trauma and the pain. Let it all go. Patterns forming and sparks flickering from your hands, exploding with everything you had bottled up inside.

You fought aliens that you plowed through in no time. You fought with a large ensemble of other women Avengers, a special moment that will stick with you. You fought Thanos off for a bit, wanting to avenge the one you love. You fought to help pass along the gauntlet with the stones, ready to finish this.

And you fought back to back with him, Stephen. A feeling incomparable to anything else.

This course of events went by so fast, and you kept up perfectly.

~~~

You were exhausted and just when you thought you couldn't summon anymore power or energy, your enemies began to fade away into dust. Breathing heavily and taking a long sigh, you looked around at your fellow warriors and Avengers around the battle field.

You were looking for one person, and he was behind you.

Using the last scrapes of adrenaline left in your veins, you broke out into a run. Nothing else mattered to you when you jumped onto Stephen, but the rush of having him right there. It was almost surreal, you watched him die in your arms years ago.

"We won?" You asked frantically, eyes wide with excitement and relief as you looked up at him.

Stephen chuckled, and it filled your heart with happiness, "Yes, we won."

You wrapped your arms around his neck and held him tightly.

"And I thought you fighting on Titan was the most powerful I've seen you."

You tried to laugh, but it came out as a choke as tears threatened to fall.

He held your face, looking past all the dirt and scratches and blood, and seeing the one he loves. "I'm so proud of you."

You threw yourself forward and kissed him. You've been waiting for five years. His arms snaked around you, one wrapping around your waist and the other cradling the back of your head. This feeling, of being in his arms, you missed it so much.

"I missed you so much," Your voice shuttered in between kisses.

"I know, (Y/N). I know."

Then you realized something, "You gave up the stone for me..."

"They needed you alive," He replied, leaving a soft kiss on your lips that lingered, "and you did it. I'm so so so proud of you."

Cries interrupted, and you parted to see a few people crowding around a body.

"Tony..."

~~~

The funeral was small and quiet. Hushed conversations and mutual sadness swept through the air around Tony and Pepper's property, everyone dressed in black to show their respects.

You and Stephen were sitting by the lake. Throughout the day, the tears threatened to burst from your eyes, but you held them in. It was beautiful out here, warm sun and fresh wind dancing over the water, but it didn't change your mood.

"I'm gonna miss him." You said.

Stephen cleared his throat, "I will too. But you had five years to know him."

"Yeah." You forced yourself to smile. "He sure was something." Memories ran back into your mind. "I remember when we were stranded on that ship, he was ready to die and going insane when we got back. And arguing with him was a real chore."

Stephen laughed.

"I'd come visit him here when I needed time away from the Sanctum. I remember when Morgan was so tiny. She likes our magic you know."

He chuckled, "Well, we're going to have to visit her and Pepper regularly than."

You smiled for real, "He was a good friend."

Stephen squeezed your hand, a gesture that answered what words couldn't. Silence fell for a little, then he fully turned to you.

"I'm sorry you had to spend five years trying to figure this out, and me leaving you. It was only a split second for me." He looked pained, that look in his eyes that told you he was vulnerable. "But it had to happen for it to work out in the end. It had to be, so it could be like this again. So I could be here for you again."

You reached up and stroked his cheek, he leaned into your touch while not breaking eye contact.

"I'm just happy you're back."

"But you went through so much."

"I know."

"You haven't told me much about that yet."

You took a deep breath, "Stranded in space, starving and dying. Long days of trying to think of anything I could do to reverse it and working with the Avengers to do so. Protecting the Sanctum by myself, and trying to piece back together Kamar Taj and the other sanctums. Feeling alone for so long...years of wish for you back..."

Stephen instantly pulled you into him when you held back a sob. Stroking your hair and kissing your face, "I'm so sorry"

"It's not your fault..."

"If I had the chance," He started, "I would have taken your place."

Your heart broke even more.

"Don't say that."

"I would have done it in a heartbeat."

You both sat there in each others presence in comfortable silence. Then Stephen opened his mouth to say something to add, but he was interrupted.

"(Y/N)..."

The sound of a familiar voice made you turn your head, and Peter Parker was standing behind you both. He must have heard you talking about your experience. You bonded with Peter back when this all started. He is the sweetest and purest human you have ever met, and seeing the pain in his tear glittered eyes made your heart break all over again.

You instantly stood up and the two of you fell into each others arms, and the quiet sobs of you both choked out. You both cried for Tony, and you both cried for your time spent.

"Don't cry honey," You held Peter tighter, "he wouldn't want you to."

The boy looked up at you, "He wouldn't want you to either."

More tears streamed down your face, and you did your best to wipe his away. A bit away you could see his aunt May watching you both, pained at the sight she was seeing.

"You went through it all..." Peter choked, and you nodded. "What was it like?"

There was only one word to describe it: "Hell."

Peter went back into hugging you, as if he was trying to make your five years of agony better. It was like he was trying to pull the pieces of your shattered heart back together. This is what you did for him back when he was crying over Tony's body back when the battle ended, holding him to give him someone, and he wanted to return it. You smiled and looked over your shoulder at Stephen, who was trying to keep a neutral face. But you knew that face, and he felt for you.

You turned back to the boy holding you tightly, "I never forgot you though, Pete."

"I hoped you wouldn’t forget.”

[supercorpkid]

Red Kryptonite causes drama and trauma – The series.

Part 3 – The old you can’t come to the phone right now.

Supercorp, Kara Danvers x Daughter!Reader, Lena Luthor x Daughter!Reader

Word count: 1933.

Warning: More angst. Like, a lot. But it’s getting better, people.

Previously on the series - part 1, part 2

You open your eyes after you finally sleep a little. The sun is burning your face and you curse yourself for not putting any sunscreen, because Lena is always right and you do burn.

“Hey.” You hear a voice and you startle getting up in one move. You look at Kara sitting a few feet away from you. “Can we talk?”

“No.” You walk further away from her.

“Little one, please. I know I hurt you…” She stands up and you turn to her abruptly.

“Hurt me? You think I’m hurt?” You look at your body, all of your bruises are almost gone by now. “You punched me, and kicked me. You left me suffocating on the ground begging for your help. You didn’t give me your hand.”

“I’m so-“ Her eyes are full of tears, and she doesn’t hold them back.

“Sorry? Yeah. I was sorry too. Don’t you remember?” You interrupt her. You’re angry. You know it wasn’t really her, it wasn’t this scared person in front of you. But you can’t just forgive her like that.

“It wasn’t me. Baby, you have to understand, I had no control over what I was doing.” She shakes her head like she is trying to get rid of the images. “It was horrible.”

“I know, I was there.” You swallow hard. “And I remember you called me weak and soft. You told me I’ll never be Supergirl.”

“Kid, please.” It hits differently. Kid instead of child. You should’ve known from this word alone. “I remember everything I said, and trust me If I could take it back…”

“Why would you take it back? It’s the truth, isn’t it?” You shrug. “I’m half human. I was born on Earth. I’ll never be you.”

“Yes, but you don’t have to be me. You are so smart, so amazing, you can be anything you want.” Kara’s tears keep falling. She looks so broken. “You can be so much more than Supergirl.”

“Right now, I want to be someone who doesn’t get dragged into the mess every single time.” You take off the super watch and throw it at her feet.

“What are you doing? Kid, please.” She kneels to grab the watch.

“I can take punches now.”

“That’s not what the watch is for. Please. Please, just put it on. What if there’s an emergency? What if you get shot again?” She is still on her knees and she reaches out to you with the watch in her hands. You don’t take it.

“I didn’t call you back then. I sure as hell won’t call you now.” That hurt her more than you thought it would. You can see it on her face. You fly away just like she did. You leave her behind with the most hurtful sentence you could think of, and you hope she falls on the ground and stays there unable to move just like you did.

You fly away, and you keep flying. You don’t stop when you pass National City’s limits. You don’t stop when you pass your gramm’s house in Midvale. You, certainly, don’t stop when you pass the Fortress of Solitude. You only stop once you can’t see any familiar place, and you just sit on top of a mountain alone.

Truth is, you didn’t take the watch off because you thought you wouldn’t need it. You took it off because you know there is a way for her to know your exact location with it, and you want to stay away. You know you can’t hide forever, and you don’t want Lena to worry about you anyway, but you need time alone. You need to think, breath, recover. You can’t do that with Kara breathing down your neck.

You’re hurt, more than you’ve ever been your whole life. The kryptonite gun shot? That was nothing. Lena being attacked, and you having a full-on panic attack and destroying her office? Bad, but not this bad. This is worse because everything Kara said was true.

You were supposed to be better at fighting. Why are you so bad? Why don’t you have control over your powers like she does? Is it because you are half human? Is there something wrong with your DNA? Or are you really just weak? Did Kara and Lena’s unconditional support make you soft and weak?

You have a huge brain. Anything you try is a success. Robotics? Piece of cake. Physics? So easy is actually boring. Shouldn’t you be at college? Lena went to college pretty young. You’re not there yet, why? Is it because you are not smart enough or because you’re soft and weak?

Do they really want you to be just 15 or do they feel like they can’t ask you to be more than that because you can’t take it? And, by the way, can you take it?

You’re again filled with so much anger and pain you just want to break something. Your body knows that, aches for that, and you have no control over what happens next.

You’re flying high over the top of the mountain, and then for some reason that your brain cannot fully process right now, your heat vision hits the top of the mountain breaking it off. Then, you’re flying full speed towards the center and you keep breaking rock after rock. Body and heat vision combined completely destroying an entire mountain from within. Fast, hard, painfully.

When you hit the ground, the anger has left your body entirely and you just stay there, surrounded by broken rocks, dirt and destruction.

You are not weak. Is the first thought you have when your brain comes back to work. A weak person cannot destroy an entire mountain. A weak person can’t get shot with Kryptonite and not ask for Supergirl’s help. A weak person can’t save her mom when Supergirl herself was nowhere to be found. You are not a weak person.

You are also not Supergirl. And for the first time in your life, you don’t want to be Supergirl and you don’t care about being a soft person with powers to destroy a freaking mountain. You will never be Supergirl, because you are already Superkid.

This brings you peace you never thought you would find. You’re ready to go back now. So, you fly back and before you realize, you’re home. You sit on the roof of your house and you barely have to use your super hearing to hear your moms talking inside the house.

“Lena, I don’t know what to do. I flew everywhere. She’s not at Alex’s, she’s not in Midvale, she’s not at the Fortress. I-I don’t know where else to look. Can you find her?” You hear Kara’s voice and you look at your phone. 36 missed calls, and 53 texts from them.

“What? Do you think I’ve figured out a way to put a microchip in our daughter even though her skin is impenetrable?” You hear Lena’s voice this time.

“Well, have you?”

“I…” Your breath stops midway. Has she? “Do you remember if she was wearing the necklace?”

“Yeah, she never takes it off.” You hear Kara’s voice again.

You hold your necklace strong in your hand. This is the necklace your grandmother Alura gave Kara before she was sent to Earth. Kara gave it to you when you turned 13, the same age she was when she got it. You haven’t taken it off ever since. And you can’t believe Lena would do something to it.

“Then I can track her.” Lena answers and you close your eyes and let your head fall. You could take the necklace off, throw it in the middle of the ocean, and fly away again. But you’re tired. It’s time to let them come to you. You can’t run forever. “Oh. She’s not wearing it. It says it’s right here.”

“No. I’m sure she was wearing it. She-she is here.” Doesn’t take long until Kara is flying in front of you. She must have used her x-ray vision. She is hovering in front of you and you notice her soft expression, that’s your Kara. “You scared me so much, little one.”

“I guess that makes us even now.” You are not mad anymore, just sad. You know eventually this will go away; things will be normal again. Kara shakes her head agreeing.

“May I?” She points to the place next to you and you nod. She flies to you and sits by your side. “I don’t know what else to say except I’m sorry.”

“I know you are.” You lay your head on your knees and hug your legs close to your body. “Why are there so many kryptonites? I don’t get it. The green one that makes us weak is like, ok, I kind of get why it exists. But then there’s a red one? And the black one that makes an evil version of yourself. And the silver one that makes whatever. I don’t know why Krypton had so many evil rocks.”

“Yeah. And don’t forget about the pink one.” She looks at you and you furrow your brows confused. You’ve never heard about a pink one. “It makes you gay.”

“It makes you whAT?”

“Gay. Totally gay.” She says trying to remain serious. She doesn’t know if you are at a laughing point yet.

“Oh. So, like, were you exposed to it or…?” You ask with a little smile on your lips and she smiles too. “’Cause you are totally gay.”

“Yeah well, I wasn’t infected with it. I was infected with Lenanite.” She says and you burst into laughter.

“Oh Rao, that was so bad. Please never say that again!” You two are laughing together and it feels right. It feels like it always did. “Oh man, mom will kill you if she hears you joined her name with kryptonite.”

“Oh, please don’t tell her. She already tried to kill me twice today.” She is still laughing, but that makes you stop. She notices it. “Not that I didn’t deserve it.”

“Let’s go inside. She’s probably worried.” You fly back home and Lena opens her arms when she sees you. You snuggle inside her embrace and just stay there for a while. “Sorry I got you worried.”

“I’m just glad you’re home, babygirl.” She kisses your forehead and holds your face with both hands looking right into your eyes. “You are the most important thing in my life.”

Kara lands behind you and you take a deep breath. Is time to put this whole thing behind you. You can do it, because you are not weak. Being soft and caring for everyone in your life is not a weakness. Being able to forgive is not weakness. You are stronger than they think. You are stronger than you think.

“C’mere momma.” You ask, turning your head to look at Kara. She looks confused, but she takes small steps towards you. You free one hand and pull her into the hug. The three of you are stiff and awkward, but no one moves away.

“Why are you all covered in dirt?” Lena asks after a while and you laugh slowly and let go of them.

“Yeah, um, about that…” You scratch your head smiling. “If anyone asks who destroyed an entire mountain up North, just say you know nothing about that.”

“What?” Lena furrows her brows and Kara’s mouth drop.

“Ok! Good talk! I’m going to go take a shower.” You leave them behind and smile to yourself. That will prove them you’re not soft and weak.

[dabis-57th-stitch]

SFW alphabet: Juuzou Suzuya

 I’ve been looking for a sfw version of this boy for so long that i decided to make my own 

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?) Juuzou typically shows affection verbally, considering he has little to no filter. He won't hesitate to tell you exactly how he thinks of you, at anytime of day. Of course this isn't always such a lovely surprise, but more often than not Juuzou has something good to say. First thing when you wake up? You know it. The middle of a high risk fight? You betcha. With his mouth half-stuffed full of candy? Oh yeah. Sometimes his comments can be a little backhanded, but he's surprisingly good at reading people and will try to learn from these little mistakes.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend?) Juuzou would be an extremely loyal friend. Though he hasn't had the best relationships, he understands that loyalty and honesty are good qualities. However, while he may be loyal to a fault, he can get a little distracted on occasion so keep him leashed when out and about.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?) Due to his past Juuzou isn't a very touchy person. He can stand the commonalities, and maybe a little more but generally cuddling is off limits. Now that's not to say he's never cuddled anyone, and that he doesn't want to. Every once in a blue moon, when he's with someone he trusts, Juuzou will indulge himself. He's like a deer when it comes down to it though, any sudden movements or the slightest sign of contestment and he's out. But if you're patient enough, and lucky enough, he'll slowly make his way into your lap, or better yet on top of you. He doesn't much enjoy spooning, and would rather both parties be more equals. Just as well if he's comfortable enough to cuddle with you, he's comfortable enough to do anything and very conveniently forgets what personal space is. He'll be all over you, hands in your hair or tracing patterns along your back. Oh, and a side note, he always smells of sweets and peppermint.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? ) To be honest, he doesn't even know what that means, really. He's not nearly as job oriented as some of his colleagues, but he's not family oriented either. So, supposing the idea was explained to him, he wouldn't be to interested. In other words, he has enough family at work.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?) We all know Juuzou doesn't have a filter, so if he decided a relationship needed to end it would be short and sweet. This doesn't just pertain to any specific type of relation either. However, keep in mind Juuzou doesn't always know when bonds need to be broken, so sometimes, to those around him, it may seem as though he's dragging things out.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?) Again, Juuzou doesn't completely get the concept of marriage, however he does understand commitment, and as aforementioned he is extremely loyal. Though it's unlikely Juuzou would ever be in some sort of adult relationship, if he did happen to date he would be an outstanding boyfriend. For the most part he's ignorant to such things, but if Juuzou knows anything about healthy relationships it's that they're supposed to make those involved happy. Just as well he's receptive to those around him, and if you happen to claim his heart he'll go to the ends of the earth for you.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?) Other than during combat, Juuzou is a pretty gentle person physically. Not only is he a smaller person, but he doesn't see the need for constant strength; actually he prides himself in his gracefulness. So unless you're fighting him, no need to be worried. Emotionally, most people consider Juuzou to be cold, and for the most part he is. He doesn't get attached easily, it's just not his nature. When he does cherish someone he'll let them know, and oftentimes make it his duty to protect them if they're unable to do so themselves.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?) As mentioned, Juuzou isn't usually one to be openly physical. If you do happen to be one of the rare few he's comfortable with it just depends on how he's feeling. Some days he won't hesitate to tackle you, and other days he'll leave you wondering if you've somehow upset him. On the days he's especially close he can't stand to be apart from you. Whether it's holding your hand, or draping his arm across your shoulders he has to be touching you somehow.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?) He will not say it first, no way in hell. However, he's quick to say it back. Once it's said, it's almost as if your relationship has gone to the next level, no matter the type. Just as well, after the first time, you'll never hear the end of it. Juuzou is the type of person to tell you just how much he cares for you in more ways than possibly imaginable. Probably the sweetest thing about this, though, is the fact that it never loses its meaning. In other words, there will never be a time when he says "I love you" and doesn't mean it with every fiber of his very being. He can really only hope that he means as much to you as you do to him, but he'll love you either way.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?) He isn't really the type to get jealous, more so, he'd probably just be confused. Unless it comes to food, he will get jealous of you having sweets very easily. Sharing is caring. When it comes to relationships and flirting, he does not understand, so don't even try it. Just as well, it's unlikely he'd ever give you a reason to make him jealous.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?) Similar to cuddling, sometimes he's a love bug and other times he'd rather sit on the opposite side of the room as you. Traditional kisses, on the lips, aren't really his thing, he'd rather kiss you on the forehead or cheek. Just as well, he'd rather you kiss him on the forehead, or temples. When it comes to public displays of affection, he'll kiss you on the hand like a gentleman. Traditional kisses are saved for special occasions, so cherish them when they're given. An example of special occasions would be the first time you tell him you love him, and fyi it was his first.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?) Considering he's still a bit of a child himself, Juuzou usually gets along with kids wonderfully. This can also be a problem because sometimes he forgets that he's in fact a full grown person, and therefore can't play as rough as they do. Just as well, sometimes kids will remind him of his past, and it's not so much that he's bothered by it, more that he doesn't know how to react to certain children. Now when it comes to the question of having kids he's not so well suited, not only in the fact that he can't have children the usual way, but also in the fact that his first parental figure was not such a good one. In any sense, Juuzou would actually be worried about being a father.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?) Juuzou is most certainly a morning person. Up before his alarm and ready to face the world. If you're a morning person waking up next to him is splendid, full of loud, happy conversation as the two of you get ready. If you're not a morning person, its most certainly not as great, but by no means is it bad. He'll probably wake you, but he'll also lay with you longer just talking quietly or lazily stroking a hand through your hair. He's not much of a cook so don't expect breakfast in bed, but do try to give him the time of day for he's the person to share his dreams first thing so he doesn't forget them.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?) Considering he's more of a morning person there's chance you'll catch him dozing off. Loud noises and the like don't bother him much, but if you so much as come close to him he'll wake up. It's one of those sad things caused by his trauma that he'll never shake. Luckily if you do wake him he'll flash you a small smile, and ask that you lay with him. The thing is, while you can't change what happened to him, or the residual effects of it, you can help him cope. If he's comfortable with you chances are he'll become rather fond of your body next to his. If, and when this happens try not to push him away, this boy doesn't have much concept of self value and will likely go throwing his life away for your sake.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?) He doesn't have much issue revealing things about himself, his past included. Not much really bothers Juuzou because his concept of morality isn't very constructed. That being said, he isn't one to go out and preach his life story to those who will listen either. Unless you ask him about himself he most likely won't tell you anything.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?) Simply put, it depends on the situation. When on the job, Juuzou tends to be patient, at least as it pertains to killing things. Most often he's patient enough that things don't always have to be happening around him, but that doesn't mean he's actually focused on anything important either. If he's preoccupied with something, like snacks, then chances are you'll have his attention. If that's not the case, then it's likely he'll be found on an all expenses-paid round trip to la-la land.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?) It's safe to say that Juuzou does not remember everything. He's remembers most of the big important moments between the two of you, but every once in awhile there is some little off-hand moment that sticks with him for some reason. Just as well, he probably remembers, and thinks about a lot more than you'd imagine, but it's likely you'll never hear about such.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?) It'd be difficult for him to choose his favorite moment. Naturally Juuzou cherishes a lot of your time together, especially fun ones like dates to amusement parks and the zoo. However his favorite moment is something you'd probably have forgotten about. To you it'd be nothing more than one of Juuzou's quirky, less dangerous adventures, but to him it's the time he let you in, and you embraced him. Most anyone who's been around Juuzou for more than a year knows his appreciation for heights especially ones with views of the city. All his colleagues know he goes to the roof if he's particularly distressed. His favorite memory happened to be one of those times, he was upset over a new protocol his group had to follow, and on his way to the roof you had caught him. To you, he was just showing you a good view of Tokyo, but unbenounced to you, he had just let you into his world, and you had accepted it. So yeah, that was probably his favorite memory.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?) He would easily give his life for you, no questions asked. Frankly, if you were unable to protect yourself for whatever reason he'd be quite worried throughout the day. He's not one to mention it though. It's evident in his body language, but most often he feels that he's nagging you if he so much as mentions being more cautious, and Juuzou isn't one for nagging.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?) Juuzou is the type for fun dates over formal ones. He'd much rather smudge his face against the glass of an aquarium with you than sit down and eat. Dates are one of those times to keep him leashed, else you'll have lost him in five minutes, tops. You'd think he would be easy to spot with his fashion sense but that is not at all the case. It should be understood that he actually puts a decent amount of effort into date ideas, of course he knows what he'd like to do, but he always asks you first because he wants the both of you to enjoy yourselves. Sadly that means none of your dates are surprises, however they're always thoroughly enjoyable.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?) Most of his bad habits stem from the lack of humanity he was shown growing up, so it makes most of these habits impossible to change, no matter how much you work at them. One of them would be his running off. He just simply doesn't think about alerting you of his absence because there was a point in time when no cared whether he was or wasn't. So, probably his worst habit of all is his lack of self value, most times he just doesn't stop to worry if something may damage him beyond the point of no return because he doesn't care.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?) He isn't worried about whether he looks good or not, but he does have his own, extremely evident style. Obviously he likes to take this style to heights most others wouldn't dare but most of the time this isn't all too much of a worry. Just as well, it should be mentioned that Juuzou is quite cleanly. Most people consider him dirty due to his self-inflicted stitches, but in fact he keeps them, and the rest of his body, very tidy.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?) He doesn't much like losing anyone; friends, colleagues, or the like, but most times he can make the cut and walk out alive. However, there is a point where he starts feeling a loss. He isn't one to let a big loss tear him apart entirely, but it can definitely drag him down mentally. A lot of times these losses are a sort of wake up call. If he were to lose you, it would be catastrophic to his emotional health, not to the point of doing anything rash, but he would definitely feel it for the rest of his life.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.) Shinohara once told you, to your confusion and horror, that Juuzou would sometimes compare you to his weapon, Jason. Naturally, your superior had walked away before elaborating on whatever type of information he had just dropped on you, leaving you to ask Juuzou for yourself. You can bet that conversation was awkward, but he was happy to explain. "Yeah Osa, you're just like Jason: strong, sleek, and sexy!" He wiggled his brows at the end, and that was that. The two of you continue to giggle about that incident.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?) He couldn't stand a partner who constantly tried to change him. Especially if said changes were simply to benefit their personification of him. Don't try to manipulate him into changing either. Sure, sometimes Juuzou might seem like a box of rocks, but he's no stranger to the crueler ways of the world.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?) Besides his inability to sleep without your company, he has an odd habit of moving his mouth, like phantom talking. From your point of view it seems as though he's speaking to some unknown third party, however he's never actually said anything, and reading his lips is nearly impossible when his porcelain face is all squished up against a pillow. Overall, he's just super cute when he's peacefully asleep.

[moonknightly]

and you keep me holding on : santiago garcia x reader (eight)

Word Count: 2.3k+

Excerpt: “He still can’t reach out and touch her. All he has to do is move his hand a few inches forward and he could be touching her but he just fucking can’t, he can’t do it and he wants to scream at himself for being so weak.”

Warnings: Mentions of malnutrition, mentions of death but if you’ve made it this far you know that already. Cursing. I think that's it but please tell me if I’ve missed something. 

[SERIES MASTERLIST]

Santi’s been awake for a few hours now. They’d moved from the ER to an actual room at some point, but just like earlier, he doesn’t really remember how he got there. All he knows is that now he’s sitting in a chair by her bedside, watching his leg bounce in time with a ticking clock from somewhere in the room, and he still hasn’t allowed himself to fully believe that he’s actually where he appears to be.

He keeps telling himself that it’s just a sick, twisted trick, that his mind is simply playing a game with his heart. He drank or he smoked too much before bed, and he’s stuck in some fucked up fever dream. It’s not real, she’s not real. He’ll look again and she’ll be gone.

But every time he lifts his head, every time he pinches his skin until he’s bruised, she’s still there. She’s there, and her chest is rising and falling with each breath, and the monitor above her bed is spiking with her heartbeat. The IV connected to her hand is dripping with a cocktail of vitamins and medications, fluids.

She’s there. She’s alive.

She’s not okay.

But she’s alive.

The door behind him opens with a soft click, and he doesn’t turn around to see who it is. Now he’s afraid that if he looks away, she’ll disappear again.

Jay takes a seat on the opposite side of her bed, and Santi briefly, so briefly lets his eyes flutter up to the other man’s face, only because he could still see her out of the corner of his eye, but he still doesn’t risk taking his attention off of her for long.

Several minutes pass in silence, and Santi’s not sure if he should break it or if Jay was just wanting to be close to her too. It’s weird, how the room feels so empty yet so full at the same time. So loud yet so quiet, it’s making his anxiety skyrocket. Santi sighs without really realizing it and runs a hand through his already messed up hair.

“What did the doctor say earlier?” he finally asks once it becomes too much. He adjusts in his seat and lets his head rest in the palm of his hand, resisting the urge to reach out and touch her hand. He hadn’t touched her yet, he’s almost scared to. Definitely scared to. “I was-”

“Kind of out of it, I know,” Jay mumbles, nodding his head. Santi watches out of the corner of his eye as Jay refuses to look away from her as well, and somehow that manages to quiet his nerves just a little bit. Two people watching over her is better than one.

But then Jay leans forward and puts his hand on her leg through the blankets, and that small bit of comfort is gone again. He’s not jealous, he just wants to touch her. Why can’t he fucking touch her?

“She’s dehydrated, malnourished.” But you can tell that just from looking at her. “Her blood tests were all over the fuckin’ place. She-”

Santiago nods along and listens with rapt attention, holding onto and memorizing all of the information that’s being thrown his way. He listens, and there’s two things that really stick out to him through the rest.

Her white blood cell count is so extremely elevated and her blood test results show a number of vitamin deficiencies that could take months to bring back into normal or even acceptable ranges. He expects that though, he’s not shocked by it.

But it sticks out to him because there’s fluid in her lungs — pneumonia, and for a moment, he can’t believe that she caught it in early October, but then he remembers he has the undernutrition to blame for that.

And then he remembers all of the complications that come with malnutrition, and how her body is going to struggle to fight off that sickness. It sticks out to him because he’s seen undernourished children die from a common cold because their little bodies just couldn’t handle it.

It sticks out to him because he knows what pneumonia could mean for someone in her state, and he can’t bear the thought of losing her, actually really losing her when she’s right there in front of him again.

But still, he listens, and Jay can tell that Santi needs some time alone again to process it all. He squeezes her leg once, then stands up from his chair and walks out of the room with the promise of bringing a fresh coffee and a change of clothes for Santiago.

Santi doesn’t move for some time, he’s not sure that he even blinks. He just sits there and stares at where Jay’s hand had been while his leg starts to bounce again.

He shakes his head, knowing he needs to pull himself together. The last year had been hell, if he could handle that he can sure as fuck handle this.

She’ll be okay. She’ll be okay she’ll be okay she’ll be okay.

He finally stands and moves to the edge of the bed, letting his hands rest on the rail. He grips it tightly, and he’s almost sure he could snap it if he really wanted to.

He still can’t reach out and touch her. All he has to do is move his hand a few inches forward and he could be touching her but he just fucking can’t, he can’t do it and he wants to scream at himself for being so weak.

But when he opens his mouth, it’s not a scream that comes out, it’s a whisper.

It’s hardly audible and he doesn’t even realize what he’s said at first, but he lets her name slip past his lips for the first time in so, so long it feels almost foreign.

But God, it’s just as fucking sweet as he remembers. So sweet it feels like honey dripping off his tongue and his anger at himself immediately evaporates and is replaced by something he can’t even think of a word for. Something like guilt, maybe?

He still can’t reach out and touch her.

“Wake up.”

He needs her to open her eyes. That would be enough.

“Just please hold on.”

OCTOBER FOURTH — DAY ONE

He hates it when they have to take her away the next morning for an MRI, just to rule out any sort of head trauma. He hates having her out of his sight, he hates thinking about the possibility of her opening her eyes and he’s not standing right there. Santi can only imagine how scared and confused she’ll be, and he wants to be there for her. He just wants to keep her safe, do what he couldn’t do before. He just wants her.

But he knows he’s not allowed to go with her and he doesn’t even try to argue it, he wants to stay on the doctor’s good side.

He decides to use that time to take the longest shower of his life, and he just sits there on cold tiles with the water pounding down on him for what has to be an hour. It’s long enough that his knees fucking hurt when he tries to stand again, and he has to brace himself on the wall for several minutes before he even tries to take another step. He changes, uses his fingers to comb through his tangled hair — he’d forgotten how dry hospital shampoo always makes it, and by the time he’s finished she’s still not back. The silence is closing in on him again.

So he calls the boys, somehow managing to get them all into a conference call to let them know that she’s okay, they found her.

Will and Benny are both stunned into silence, but the relief is evident when they finally start to ask questions, and Santi’s sure he hears Frankie crying softly, though he otherwise stays silent.

“And Nathan?” Will asks during a small stretch of silence.

Santi’s hair stands on end at the mention of his name, and the blood coursing through his veins feels hot like venom, like fire. He hadn’t thought about Nathan, not yet. His entire focus had been on his wife, of course it had been.

But now, his mind was racing with different thoughts and possibilities. Different things he wanted to do to him. How he wanted to make him suffer.

“Yeah, did they catch him?” Frankie sniffles, pulling Santi away from his thoughts.

“No.” His voice is clipped, and he can picture the boys holding their breath, can see in his mind how they would share nervous glances between each other, ‘cause they all know what that tone means.

“We-”

“We don’t need to be talking about this right now.”

It’s Will again, always the voice of reason, and Santi knows that he’s right. They don’t need to be talking about it over the phone.

“You guys wanna grab dinner or something sometime this we-”

They all interrupt him this time, but it’s Frankie who breaks through the noise and takes over.

“Dude, no. Not this week, fuck, maybe not even next month. Just...focus on her right now, okay?”

“But-”

“Santiago, she needs you. Just be there for her.”

Again, Santi doesn’t argue, because he knows the boys are right.

He needs to get with Graves, figure out what’s new, what they know though he assumes it’s not much.

He can’t help but think that’s a good thing.

He wants to get to Nathan before anyone else even has the chance.

She hears him. She always hears him. It’s always his voice in the back of her head, his voice in her dreams. It’s always him him him him him.

Santi.

She hears him, and the light in the room is so bright through her eyelids she’s sure she’s died and moved onto whatever, wherever existed beyond life and Earth. She can’t remember the last time she woke up to sunlight. Sunlight, Santiago, a warm blanket covering her shivering body.

She’s dead.

That’s okay.

But she doesn’t want to open her eyes. Even in the afterlife, she’s afraid that if she opens her eyes, he’ll disappear. She’s afraid she’ll open them and see Nathan, not Santi.

She just wants Santi. Only ever Santi.

And so when she hears a second voice, a man’s voice, one that she doesn’t recognize, she panics. She starts crying. She doesn’t want Santi’s voice to go away, she needs him. She fucking needs him.

She opens her eyes and he’s right there. He’s right there and that’s when she knows for certain she’s dead.

He looks almost the same. There’s a little more gray in his hair and he’s sporting a short beard instead of his usual stubble. His hands are shoved into the front pocket of his hoodie — it’s one that she recognizes, one that she’d wished for on cold nights when Nathan would chase her through the snow for fun, dangling freedom right in front of her face but always managing to track her down.

She wants to call out to him, she wants him closer. She wants to yell at the other man to leave the two of them alone but her voice feels stuck in her throat. She just cries harder, but she knows she doesn’t make a sound. Nathan never liked it when she cried.

A third body enters the room and she immediately slams her eyes shut, but it’s Jay. Just Jay.

And he saw her before she had time to look away.

“Her eyes were just open.”

Santi doesn’t even glance back towards him. His full attention is immediately on her, and he leaves Graves standing there to move back to her bedside, though this time he doesn’t even reach out to grip the rail like he had the night before.

He still can’t touch her.

But he does gently call out her name again, hoping and praying that Jay’s mind hadn’t been playing tricks. For a second, he thinks that must’ve been it. She’s not responding. But then he says her name again and he watches as her fingers twitch and grip the blanket between them.

Graves is out of the room to grab a nurse before Santi can even ask him to, and she opens her eyes again at the sound of retreating footsteps, beyond terrified thinking they belonged to Santi.

But he’s still there. He’s still right there, and Jay is there, and she’s in an actual bed and not on the floor.

Sunlight, Santi, blankets. Voices drifting from down the hallway, Jay, a bed.

She’s dead and that’s okay. It’s perfect. It’s all she’s been wanting for...she doesn’t even know how long she’d been with Nathan.

He says her name again, and she thinks it’s the sweetest sound she’s ever heard. So sweet it’s like honey dripping off his tongue.

It’s the little push she needs to finally find her voice, and it’s weak. It’s so weak, but he can still hear it, still understand her words and they make Santi’s chest ache.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t hold on.”

She doesn’t give Santi a second to even register her words, doesn’t give him a second to respond or ask if she’d heard him begging the night before.

“Please don’t leave, you always leave.”

It breaks Santi’s heart.

He needs to reach out and touch her, he needs to let her know that he’s still right here, that she’s here. She’s okay and he’s never going to let another bad thing ever happen to her ever again.

He still can’t touch her.

All he can do is say her name again, but this time, it’s broken. He feels broken.

He hates that he feels this way when in comparison, this last year has been easy on him.

“Baby, I’m so sorry.”