#and tells me constantly that exercise doesnt take off weight

[froggierboy]

next person to offer me unsolicited weight loss advice i fucking swear -

[kuni-is-daddy]

WORKING OUT WITH GOJO SATORU. X GN READER.

Ft: Teasing, grinding.

1.1k words of gojo thirsting for u.

Gojo x Female reader smut

WARNING: NSFW CONTENT.

MINORS DO NOT INTERACT

At first gojo would ask you to come along just so you can watch him dead lift 200+lbs(pounds) or even be his "spotter" so he 'wouldnt get hurt', the spotter part was your idea. But just the thought of watching gojo sweat and breathe heavy gave you butterflies in your stomach. If you two would go to a public gym gojo would 100% FLEX HIS ASS OFF. Lift 200lbs? Nah gojo's going to 400lb. It doesnt matter if these other 'people' look more 'ripped' then him. He'll show them up without a problem. "Yeah you like that baby?" He'd grunt mid lift. "F-fuck..Its all for you love~" You'd scold him for pushing himself too hard but he'd suck his teeth, pick you up without warning and carry you bridal style out the gym. Laughing as you'd punch at him to put you down because it was 'embarrassing'

Gojo who would also send you pictures and videos of him lifting. Captioning how he can't wait to show you his progress. Up close. He'd sometimes even wear more revealing. Clothes during missions you two got paired up in. Turning off his infinity just so the wind can blow through his shirt and reveal his abs. Only for Utahime and Nobara to scold him.

If he's deadlifting sometimes gojo would joke around and act like the weight was too heavy for him or he got gradually tired, it could even be considered as a test of trust the first couple of times he invites you over. He'd smile and blush at how you tried so hard to hold it up for him after he made 'pained grunts.' even using cursed energy slightly because it was too heavy for you. (Gojo was completely fine holding up that much btw). He'd yank the weight off of him. trying to 'catch his breath' only to see you running around the gym that you've never been too before, asking people where you can buy water and cold towels for him. And that was another moment when gojo truly fell in love with you

One day Gojo finds you in the gym before he is. Wearing clothes lighter/thinner then your average attire as you sat on your phone waiting for him to arrive. "Hm? I see you got here before me baby~" He'd walk up to you with his gym bag. Wearing a black tank top, shorts and his iconic shades. Gojo is so tall~ (around 6'3) so even when his body isnt flexed out he towers over you so easily. "Well..I was thinking of joining you this time toru~" you smirk while looking him up and down, watching as he takes off his shades and his beautiful blue eyes glow, Now looking at you with an intimate gaze.

Gojo didnt have a problem with whatever you we're trying to achieve at the gym for any reason. Be it for your mental health, For him, Or just for the sake of being fit or trying something new. He loved the idea of you even doing something as far as exercise because it meant you we're getting stronger. Just.. 'Not as strong as him' he'd chuckle to himself while watching you do warm ups...Specifically squats.

He'd count out how much your doing, constantly telling you to push yourself and keep going 'just f' me' Until eventually it looks like gojo is enjoying himself a little TOO much. He's paying so much attention to your ass and how you'd recklessly bounce up and down from how tired you we're getting. Imagining how you'd bounce on his cock while pleading for him to let you cum "T-toru! oh fuck toru~ please..im so close daddy.." "Hah..Your so fucking good for me, Milking my cock just like that.. Dont stop.." Gojo gets caught out of his hard daze when you stop exercising and just stare at him with your hands on your hips because he somehow went from the number 14 to 69- while counting.

Gojo would pout and tug at your arm for you to keep exercising because you look so fucking hot. "Cmon baby..I promise i wont look...so much.. kay? You just..Do what your doing over there and ill be over here lifting-" he'd smile and give you a thumbs up while scooting over to the weights. "okay toru~ if you say so..." You'd constantly stop mid set to take a peek behind you to see if gojo was being a pervert, But everytime you would he'd just look 'normal'. When in reality gojo was talking glances at you, lifting with one hand and rubbing against his clothed length with the other. Mumbling how good you looked for him, How your sweat coated your body so well, watching as you perked up your lips when taking a sip of your water. "Yeah baby..thats what im talkin about' Dont stop.. your doin so well... fuck yeah..sweat for me~" You'd look at him dumfounded and ask if he was alright. "Yeah baby im great~ you keep exercising for me alright? get that heart healthy f' me~ you and that good form of yours. So fucking good" He'd take off his shirt, his chest glistening and pumping out through his sweaty body. You'd choke on your water while examining his body. "heh..Like what you see baby? Didnt get these over night~" he'd place the weight down and begin walking towards you, Flicking his hands through his hair. "How about I give you a treat baby? You've been so good f' me, working so fucking hard~ how about i help you out.."

You would shyly look away, calling gojo distracting because you we're trying to 'focus' but he loved that even more~ how dedicated you we're..how persisent you we're..All for him. He'd pull you into a sloppy kiss, picking you up and sitting on the bench. Your hands would begin to trail along his chest, Feeling his hot body against your own. "You can touch this body all you want baby~ its all yours." he pulled away from the kiss, trailing his mouth along the side of your neck, sending you chills down your body. "T-toru..we shouldnt do it here..What if someone comes in and see's.." You'd tug at his sweaty warm body. "mmm good then baby, let them see. Want everyone to be fucking jealous. So dam lucky to have you in my life, love you so dam much~" Gojo began to bite at your shoulder, tugging at your top. "shit..Wanna take you on right fucking now y/n. Cmon~ let daddy touch you, let me reward you~"

Your shivered at how touch gojo began to get, Not even trying to hide it anymore as he shifted his hands down to your waist, Moving your body over so you'd grind right against him. "T-toru...Toru.." youd moan out his name. holding onto his built arms while the intense heat of the gym ambushed your body as you could feel gojo's pent up length now grinding on your. "fuck...Yes baby?" "T-touch me..please..i want it~" "oh yeah baby~ know' you wanted more. Addicted to this cock yeah? say how much you want it~" he laid his head back against the bench, slapping your ass while you grinded against his length. "G-Gojo~ please...oh shit..please~ I cant, I wanna cum~ I wanna cum for you gojo~ I want you so bad daddy~" "Fuck yeah..thats what i wanted to hear baby~ beg for me more like a slut while daddy rewards you~"

[werewolf-femboy-maid]

I am so fucking miserable there is so much pressure and everyone wants my free time but nobody wants to understand me.

very hopeless and angry tired feeling, very very sad

I got told about how much time im wasting by moping, how much he just wishes he had my free time and im so lucky. he didn't say that literally but holy fuck now he keeps playing my cards that he tells ME to stop playing (self deprecation and making my problems worse by being angry and not breathing)

so angry honestly

I feel so empty

ive wasted so much time. im 25 now. im gonna be 30. ive wasted so much free time. the internet is a scam. all the social medias are a scam. life is a scam. everything in the world is a scam. love is a scam. even death is a scam. and it all keeps going because love and hatred keep pulsing in the extremes of matter, living and non living.

im just really angry and didn't eat protein yet and im just so sad and very sad and upset and I feel like an entitled Karen and I think I overlooked some pretty telling symptoms of ocd

im so lonely. im so so extremely lonely. I weep for the little child that wanted to have fun with friends and eat delicious food and be peaceful every day. I have positively failed her.

I mean I guess not completely. I follow my heart if it matters too much. shed still be disappointed tho. 25 and still no car? :"( nothing?

not much food these days either. everyone getting broke. I cant imagine other places too rn. it's all so heartbreaking. everywhere I turn, it's just sadness and decay and corruption. and then every now and then there's snuggles and plants and food. but that's about it. its just living with the guilt that so many live a much more horrid and difficult life and have suffered unspeakable deaths. and im here moping. what even caused this? he said something that hurt my fragile pathetic ego again? I don't even remember. I feel so lonely because communicating with people requires more effort than Im comfortable with, but that's the only way anyone will come close to understanding me. im just so constantly tired. for the past entire life honestly. been babysitting since 3 years old. im literally the only girl. the oldest as well. I was homeschooled.

my mental health is probably suffering these days because im in that weird rut where I still need to sign up for an associates degree, but I also need to make a logo, but I need to watch one piece since he slept in too much to drop me off at my place this morning. idk its a big huge fucking mess, and if its true that ive been living with Audhd the whole time, then it doesnt even comfort me anymore because my youth was wasted on ignorance. I will never be 14 again. if only she knew. she could've said something.

so yeah long story short, not having a consistent something to do, whether that is a job, hobby, entrepreneuring or literally just self care schedule, is detrimental to mental health because it's taking exercise away from the brain muscles.

what I mean is that its good to stretch the body, and I usually feel quite refreshed after some cardio or weight training. and the same applies to the brain.

something im trying to grasp more is the "growth mindset" because the opposite of that is a "fixed mindset"

Growth Mindset: People can learn things regardless of age.

Fixed Mindset: There's only so much people can learn, and once habits are fully developed, people cannot change.

so I kept telling myself how hopeless it is, oh I wasted so much time, and time is money. my life is basically useless, my youth is depleted and now I need to die. but no that is not the case here, unfortunately.

unfortunately there is hope, not really for the world, but for my particular situation at least.

physically I am very privileged. I have white-yellow skin and have both parents making income. I have a bf that cares about me (we just both have problems lmao) and I have two places that I live at: my parents and my bfs. its convenient but at the same time its a fucking nightmare I need to reside at only one place and have my room n shit.

but yeah mentally I was isolated and yelled at for most of my life and I never got to play video games because I was a pushover and I also daydreamed too much so I got my homework done a lot slower than my siblings.

mix that with some undiagnosed adhd, autism, and even possibly ocd, and you get infinite sadness.

idk the "infinite sadness" is a phrase that comes into my head randomly lmao

hey I had this sad dream last night where I was walking with someone and they pointed to my bf sitting in some spot and they said "men like him who love people like you are going to live a sad life" and I just felt really bad because he has to deal with my tantrums (red40 is so bad holy shit, it was a lot worse than I thought)

anyway, the least I can say is that its never actually too late. you can be old af and having every kind of cancer ever, but if you find something you like, its never too late to enjoy it. do whatever the fuck you want man. don't listen to those random rules your head makes up that don't make any sense. make your own sense. and then make dollars.. $$$$$$$$$$$

[adhdrexic]

9/12/23

Diary post

well, the past few days I've stayed under 2000 cals which is progress from the 3000+ ive been eating for the past year. im not at the point of weight LOSS yet, but i am maintaining instead of gaining, and thats progress.

its been hard to admit that i have BED as someone whos been anorexic for nearly a decade. nobody talks about how painful it is to feel yourself losing control and not even understanding how to get it back.

my binge eating began because i was so unsatisfied with life that food became the only thing that provided me with dopamine, and it quickly became an addiction. now, its been a year, and im sober off drugs, but not off bingeing. i feel more unhealthy than i ever felt starving and popping stims 5x a day.

throughout the process of developing BED, everyone around me told me constantly how proud they were of my weight gain with no clue about my total lack of self control. they told me how healthy i looked, when in truth, im the most unhealthy ive ever been. and these comments fueled the FUCK out of me to just.. not stop. after all, im healing, right? im getting better?

it took me about 5 months before i was truly aware i had a problem. i had gained 15 pounds and i was happy with that. but then i gained another 5, and another 5, and another 5, and then 10 more. and i realized i couldnt stop.

healing from BED, for me, has been harder than developing anorexia in the first place. until a week ago, when we started talking about habit building and habit breaking in one of my college classes, i had absolutely no idea where to even start. i tried fasting. i binged. i tried exercising. i binged. i tried so much negative self talk it made me consider suicide as my only option.. and i binged... so much. so.. so much.

in all my bingeing, it wasnt until a few days ago that i admitted i had a bingeing problem, and that it had deveoped into BED. but now, here i am, taking the first step. admitting i have a problem.

i learned in my class that a habit consists of three distinct parts, a cue, a routine, and a reward. and through that reward comes KEY WORD craving.

so, my cue was feeling anything, any emotion.

my routine was eating.

my reward was the chemicals that come from eating rich, sweet, salty, calorie dense food.

and then i begun to crave it. and then it became my only way to cope.

so, now i have a mission. create new routines. new habits.

the cue can stay the same, but how i RESPOND to that cue, aka the routine, needs to change. i must do something instead of eating.

something that gives me a reward.

so, ive been writing. but it hasnt worked. so, ive been smoking, but it doesnt work. so, ive been distracting myself in hundreds of different ways, but nothing fucking works. so, what do i do?

my solution, is that i must use my addiction to food to my advantage. i hate using food as a reward, but i must, because it is the only reward that compares to the reward of bingeing.

so, every time i successfully distract myself from eating for at least 30 minutes, i will reward myself with a piece of candy. no matter how i distract myself, i will reward myself.

now, the difficult part is only allowing myself ONE candy. which is where i might have to get my boyfriend involved. The key is that i cant tell him that im rewarding myself for starving, so i must convince him im rewarding myself for something else. so, i guess my distraction will be homework, so i can tell him hes rewarding me for staying focused on my work.

the difficult thing about fixing binge eating is that you cant just get sober from food. its not heroin. its worse. you cant just stop and then have withdrawals and cravings for a while and then eventually get over it. you must learn the art of moderation. and ive never been one for moderation. so this is new to me.

i have one thing by my side, and it is grit and determination. i must, and i mean must stay motivated. i musnt lose sight of this goal. i must prioritize my health.

im not sure if i plan on becoming anorexic again. well, not like i used to be. i simply dont have the means to survive off 500 calories a day anymore. i have college, and a job, and a life i need to be lucid and functional for. but what i can do is slowly lower my goal to 1300 calories a day, roughly maintenance, and exercise regularly. not excessively, but regularly. and slowly, so, so slowly, i should get back to being a shape that i am comfortable being.

one day at a time.

[zchera]

rant.. as an "overweight" child in asian household

okaaay so i really wanted to rant this out but i cant vent to anyone because my life fucked up and my friends literally (make me feel they) use me for academic points and an option. So i needed to let this out and the only option j have is internet.

So In early days when i was 12 before pandemic happen, i weight 34/35 kg. and for that i often get bullied because my cousins are skinny and literally the only healty and who look sexy (literally with those curves that i get sexu*****) is me. And im the problem. Because im not skinny as them and it really hurt me to core whenever i get called name on daily basis. Walk on my elder cousins? Get bullied with my (overweight adult that she admit she is) aunt name and aim to make everyone laugh but me who literally get teary everytime i heard it. I always show signs of struggle and really depress whenever they bring im the "overweight" in the family by either going silent, going in the room, locking myself, suddenly lose appetite and they didnt care. The worst part doesnt even come in yet, my mom always gave me the "stare" whenever i didnt gave a (fake) laugh at those horrible and body shaming jokes EVERYONE said, and later on she always scold me for being rude and being so weird. the pain of being bullied by my own parent hurt more than the pain i get when my heart suddenly stop because of shock one time or the hyper acidity attacks i get. This even come to the point that i develop a skill in which i dont let out sob or a sound when i cry (beside them because they think its a bonding but theyll bully me before sleeping by hugging and telling how big my body is) just because ill get called crazy for crying over simple things like that...

Then this comes the crazy part, i often get admirers. Really, boys or girls from my school. Then when pandemic comes in, i cant really be happy at home with the continues bullying of my body, and i get bullied by my 4/6 year old cousin because my parents are so close to annulment. It get me depress. I tried many coping mechanism. I cut my hair whenever i felt cutting my skin on wrist, but i get scolded. I tried sleeping all my problem, i get scolded. I tried imagining things, im getting crazy (bcs i really cant know whats real and whats not) and im getting depress more because i cant cope with all the problems aside from my parents childish on and off relationship and constant bullying, plus the pressure to get high grades without support from my life inside the school. Then because my sister always get what she wanys and wished for food, thats when my coping kick in.

I always eat whenever i feel said and its every hour. My mom aijt against it because i eat when she wasnt looking. But it get me to the point that i cant stop, i meant that it become a hobby. Then fast forward i gain.. weight. It comes to the point that i weight 64 kg! The fuck it double rigjts???? Thats when everyone fucked my mental health again by constantly reminding me how i get fat and unhealthy during pandemic, that i look good before. And i was like what??? Doesnt you people always bully me? But they doesnt remember things like that it seem when they always point how "sexy" how "skinny" am i before oandemic and now im fat little bitch. It hurts me. Because it take so much time to diet when you only knew that food is the only one to comfort you.

When things get a little lighter and schools open, i get bullied again. It added. Because i gain weight that no one wnag me anymoee and if they want they only wnag because im smart burned out asian chikd who get her ass whooped when i didnt get ranked. It felt so bad. I hate it.

Now i dont do anything because when i exercise or diet they bully me. Amd it msde me sad so i eat again and i weight. But now because of constang stress and depression, im around 60 kg. Its a big flex.

If you experience fucked up things like this, dont let yourself knew you are alone. We can do this and get our (happy) life back.

[parasolids]

my mom told me she always gets on my case about my weight because when i was in middle school, a doctor told her i was at a seriously concerningly high weight, like, over 90th percentile. and i didnt believe that because i used to play wii fit all the time as a kid and i’d always land squarely in the normal bmi range, underweight before i hit puberty, but also i’m not a doctor and idk how much i weighed when i was 12 and maybe i got chubby before getting taller. either way, my mom’s always constantly come after me over my weight since i was 11ish, and i know she does it with good intentions, but i ended up with a weird relationship with my body and with food which sucks but what can ya do. doesnt help that i have broad shoulders and feel suuuuuper uncomfortable in fitted clothing, so i only wear oversized loose tshirts and hoodies, so i DO look pretty big.

but anyways, my mom just ran into that chart again, and i was 97............ pounds. not 97th percentile like she thought. i was straight up on the 50% line. i wasn’t dangerously overweight. i was literally as average a weight as possible for someone my age. i’ve lived like this for the past 10 years because my mom doesn’t know how to read percentile charts. dontcha hate to see it

but......... i’m also getting better at Being Okay With My Body! there are still changes i’m trying to make, but some of those are just gender and some of those i’m more okay with not having now. i look in the mirror at my big belly and broad shoulders and... even if it’s ugly, i like the person i see in the mirror. been working out too which actually makes my brain release some endorphins for once, and it helps me see my body more as a tool, because it’s really, really nice to FINALLY pull off an exercise that you couldn’t do before. think i finally got down to the root cause of all the Weird Eating my brain’s been convincing me to do on and off for the past year and a half, and while i don’t know how to stop it completely, at least i know where the real issue lies. still nice to look at my body and to not only just be okay with it, but to actually think that what im seeing looks good. 

i dont think my moms ever gonna figure out that Telling Me I’m Getting Fat Is Bad, Actually and that it actually makes me want to take care of my body less. which blows cause i know she has good intentions but it will almost unfailingly ruin my habits for a while. but she’s always been saying that, even when my weight was the same, even when i was losing weight, so that helps for putting less stock into it.  just gotta figure out how to stay where i’m at right now, looking in the mirror and thinking this is good, i am good.

[daybreak-coalition]

tw vent, suicide, details of self harm

ok writing this here as we currently see it so we dont downplay it later

when we were young we had one friend who was our b//ff from like year two to halfway through year seven. its important to emphasise that before this we had never had a friend, and we only really spoke to one other person for the majority of our friendship. she was our everything.

at first it was fine, but looking back the signs of how controlling and manipulative she was were always there. we had this long running make-believe game, where she was always the one saving me no matter the scenario, with me almost always being injured or mind-controlled or something. this may sound weird but fine, but it got to the point where i straight up asked her if i could be the one doing the saving, and she got mad before begrudgingly agreeing, then afterwards complained a bunch about how it wasnt as fun and made me agree with her that her saving me was better.

she forced me to follow her weird diets that she literally made up on the spot, told me what to get at lunch (one example was along the lines of “get a baked potato, cucumber, and cheese at lunch, but only eat half the cheese”), and made me do weird exercises. if i ever objected she would cut me off and say “go with the flow” with this weird hand motion and completely ignore me. i never actually went against her instructions but i do not want to know what kind of guilt-tripping lonely hell i would have had as a result. she also constantly treated me as stupid, trying to “teach” me things we had just learnt in class.

she would get so angry if i ever “copied” her. this includes trying to dissuade her from doing something then changing my mind and joining her (because i didnt want to be alone), or doing anything she had “already done”. i still feel incredibly anxious today when myself or even other people including complete strangers do something which could be construed as “copying”, as if my/their friends are going to get angry.

she would constantly half make comments about my weight/speed/intelligence and would insist that without her i would be struggling to do anything. she claimed to be better than me at almost all of my interests to the point where i just stopped telling her about them.

she would also lie and make fake promises to me a lot. in fact it wasnt just me, she was always kinda known for making up outlandish lies constantly. i actually knew all her tells for lying (there was a very obvious one in her speech pattern if i remember correctly), but never ever called her out on it. im fairly sure this is where our habit of lying without meaning to comes from.

she would also ditch me completely for weeks on end to play with whoever her current new bestie was, which doesnt sound that bad until you realise that she would completely cut contact, and when i did manage to catch her she would apologise and promise that we would play next break (we didnt)

during the last six months of our friendship, i was severely sleep deprived, depressed, and incredibly suicidal, which made me volatile. when she shouted at me, i shouted back, and we wouldnt talk to each other for the rest of the day. it would be a gamble to see if she was going to acknowledge it the next day or not. despite this, i viewed myself as expendable to her. i remember daydreaming about sacrificing myself to save her, and her finally giving me affection. in this state i swung wildly between referring to this as the behaviour of a “guardian angel” or a loyal dog. yeah i literally thought of myself as her loyal dog. what the fuck.

anyway this all came to a head over something stupid, and she told me we would take a “3 month break”, similar to how we had a 3 week lockdown :) /s

during year six and seven i was constantly feigning ill so i wouldnt have to go to school and admit i didnt do my homework, and ended up being off school for nearly half the days if i remember correctly. i was literally making myself throw up, drinking bubble bath (the smell of that one makes me intensely nauseous years later), and eating whatever wild plants there were growing on the way to school in the hopes that they would make me sick enough i wouldnt have to go, or that they would just straight up kill me. at times i was literally standing at the gates of my school warring with myself over running away (probably to the pier)

i self-harmed a lot during this time, and came very close to committing many times. i only actually tried once, and the only reason i didnt seriously injure myself is because my penknife was so blunt from repeated use. when my parents found me sitting on my bed having a panic attack my mum cleaned me up and sent me off to school like nothing happened. she was of course phoning about getting me therapy but it was still kinda fucked up.

[itsrien11]

15 Things not to say to someone with Chron’s Disease.

Some things I, as a Chron’s Disease warrior, am tired of hearing and it is not that I am being bitchy or ungrateful for those who care for me, it is that I want you to know and understand what I feel when I hear these things. As I mentioned in my previous post, this is to inform others that dont have Chron’s what I am going through and also to let those with Chron’s know that they are not the only ones who feel like this.

1) You lost so much weight, I wish I could do that. Chances are that you would also lose weight if you were constantly running to the nearest toilet as soon as you have eaten. I didn’t lose weight because I wanted to, I lost weight because I am on 5 different medications that have the same side effects.It is scary losing 10kgs or more in less than 6 months because of Chron’s, it is not something that you want to do willingly because chances are that I will still keep losing weight,which is unhealthy.

2) You should get out more. If I could, I would. But mostly I am in so much pain that it is an accomplishment to just get out of bed at any time of the day, so I dont really want to ‘get out more’ because that would require me actually having to move. I have days where iI want to go out and enjoy myself but dont push me, when I feel that I can handle the pain and that I will be comfortable going out, I will do so.

3) You should see a dietitian. I am my dietitan. The thing about Chron’s is that it is not the same for everyone. I might be able to eat bread but another person with Chron’s cant. So a dietitian wont be able to help me because they dont know my body. I know what I can eat and what I cant eat and I really dont need to be told by someone else what is good and not good. If I find something that works with my system, I eat it and if it doesn’t, I avoid it. So thank you for your concern but I dont need to see a dietitian.

4) Mind over matter. If it was that simple, I wouldnt be writing this blog. It is easy for someone who doesnt have Chron’s to say mind over matter. Everyone thinks that if you dont think about the pain, that it will go away, the sad truth is, that it is never that way. If I want to mope around all day in a blanket and watch movies all day, it is because I am in so much pain that I can barely function. So let me deal with my pain like I want to and just be there to support me, dont tell me that it is mind over matter.

5) You need to exercise more. Isnt that the case in everyone’s lives though? So why should it be different for me just becasue I have Chron’s? I do exercise, when my body tells me that it can handle it. But mostly, I dont, because it hurts too much or because I physically do not have the energy and that is probably because I haven’t slept all night because I have been tossing and turning to get comfortable with the pain.

6) Have you tried herbal treatment? I have tried everything that this planet has to offer. Your home remedies or herbal methods really wont make any difference. I know medication always is harmful to your body but I trust my doctor enough to know that he will take care of me. The treatment I am on is working for me and that is all that I care about. Thank you for your suggestion but I will stick with what I know works.

7) You are so moody today. Would you not be moody if you were me? Of course I have my happy days but when I am moody please understand why. It is because I am dealing with pain that no one can imagine and I am trying to keep myself together and not lose my shit (excuse the pun). So I am very sorry that I am ruining your happy bubble with my moodiness but this piercing pain in my body seems to have stolen all my happy today. Maybe tomorrow my happy face will come visit.

8) How are you feeling? I know you just care and want to know how I am coping, but for the love of hell, do you really want to hear my 50 point list of complaints every day? I will probably just say I am fine or say I am not too well today but I really am not going to get in to all my aches and pains every second of the day. Ask how I am feeling but just let me answer in a simple manner.

9) You look better today. Maybe I am and maybe I am not. But I am probably not. So if I look better than I did the day before it is probably because I put on an extra layer of make up to hide the dark circles or because I took some painkillers that are making me pretty happy at that moment. The worst thing to hear that is you look better than the day before and to be honest there is no real reason for that but it is just simply because I probably am not better.

10) My brother's friend’s sister’s boyfriend has Chrons and he [enter some random cure or diet here] why dont you try it? As I said before, Chron’s is not the same for every person so your brother’s friend’s sister’s boyfriend might have found what works for him, but chances are that it wont work for me. So thank you for your advice but I will stick to my plan.

11) But you dont look sick. That is the most common thing that I have ever heard. It is like saying to someone who is gay that they dont look gay. I am sorry I didnt wear my I have Chron’s badge today, I will be sure to put it on tomorrow. Just because I look happy and I am living my normal life, doesnt mean that I am not sick. I want to be normal and I want to be happy, so when you see me in that moment, let me be. I probably am still feeling like total and utter crap but I decided to live my life anyway. You cant see Chron’s Disease on the outside so please dont tell me that I dont look sick.

12) You should get out of the house. Trust me I try. When I feel like I have the energy I take that opportunity to do things that I normally dont do. But I also have my phases (which sometimes lasts up to a week) where I just want to stay in bed or at home and rest because that is what my body is telling me to do. I know myself and my body and I know when it needs rest, so please dont force me.

14) Are you going to cancel on me again? I am sorry I cancel plans at the last minute but that is what Chron’s is like. I might make plans with you for the next day and then cancel the last minute, I dont mean to but I also cant help it. Chron’s is very unpredictable, one minute I can be fine and the next I am not. So I am sorry that I could make your dinner party and I really am also not sorry because I am looking after myself and if you cant understand that, then I am here to help you understand. When I cancel it is not because I am lazy but it is because I am in so much pain that I just want to lay in bed and sleep it off.

15) That’s not good for you. I am tired of being told whats not good for me or who can be around me. I am tired of being treated like I am breakable. I am not. I know people care and I know they dont know how to deal with Chron’s, well shocker, neither do I. But one thing I know is myself and my body and that is why I am tired of being told what is not good for me. If I say that it is ok for me to hang out with you because you have flu, then it really is or if I say that it is ok for me to go rock climbing, then in really is or if I say that it is ok for me to spend the night dancing at the club, guess what, IT REALLY IS. Thank you for your concern but please dont tell me what to do.

One thing I learned from Chron’s is that you cant sit around and watch your life pass by. Spend nights laughing till early morning with your friends, go zip lining, go see that movie you planned to go see, go swim in the ocean, because who knows when you wont be able to do those things anymore. Yes I have Chron’s and yes it is hard for me and everyone around me but let me be myself and make my 20′s count.

[incorrectmonstaxquotes]

a guide to starship’s newest boy group Monsta X

if you ever want to get into monsta x (or just want more info or videos off them) then here’s a guide to introduce you to them!

MEMBER INTRODUCTIONS

SHOWNU (son hyunwoo)

leader, main dancer, and lead singer

18 june 1992 (gemini)

181 cm/ 5′11″

dancing machine

used to be a backup dancer lee hyori

was a former jyp trainer and is friends with got7 and miss a

was apart of nu boyz with wonho, jooheon, and gunhee

he is considered the dad of the group and the members often call him that

also his nickname is robot shownu/ roboshownu because he acts like a robot ig

kind of quiet so when he does speak you think its something profound... but it’s not

hi hello annyeong

was in sistar’s shake it mv with wonho

he’s actually very close with sistar’s soyou

helps create some of mx’s choreos

cannot act cute to save his life 

the members tease him a lot but he loves them anyway

he loves to exercise for some reason

arms bigger than his own head

he’s a guest on lipstick prince

whats his shirt made out of?? boyfriend material

WONHO (shin hoseok)

vocalist, dancer, and 1/3 of the visual line

1 march 1993 (pisces)

178 cm/ 5′10″

very charming

very good at writing music even though starship is constantly shutting him down

may seem intimidating but is very sweet and kind most of the time

crybaby

former ulzzang

was caught up in some scandals predebut 

was apart of nu boyz with shownu, jooheon, and gunhee

was in sistar’s shake it mv with shownu

can speak japanese and french

even tho he’s ripped he has a weak body and gets sick a lot

he’s extremely afraid of heights and cried when he bungee jumped during right now

“the biggest lie i’ve ever told is that i’m ugly”

has tattoos on his left thigh, right foot, and asscheek 

probably has a nipple piercing but thats not confirmed™

broke his finger during the filming of trespass, but didn’t know he broke it and kept on filming

used to not get lines but gets lines now

when they asked him his ideal type he said “someone who makes ramen well” and everyone pointed to kihyun wonho said “as long as you can make ramen, gender doesn’t matter”

constantly made to pull up shirt/show off his body in choreo even tho he’s expressed how it makes him uncomfortable

loves his family and works really hard to support them because his family went bankrupt while he was a trainee

MINHYUK (lee minhyuk)

vocal and 1/3 of the visual line

3 november 1993 (scorpio)

178 cm/ 5′10″

loudest member 

you can tell which one he is because he’s screaming or joking a lot or talking in general

warning headphone users

mood maker

actually very sweet and takes care of the members a lot and is a great caregiver

extremely touchy

underrated vocals

needs to be an mc

shownu has said that minhyuk is a natural born leader and that he even follows him sometimes

is very cute but doesnt like hearing hes cute

indirectly called zico ugly 

can speak to dolphins

during no.mercy no one really believed he was going to make it into the group like he didn’t even think he was gonna make it 

didn’t win any of the missions he was apart of but he won the world’s hearts

during right now he said that if they had to eat chicken by the beach because of kihyun he would drop kick him and he did

KIHYUN (yoo kihyun)

main vocal

22 november 1993

175 cm/ 5′9″ (shortest)

power vocal

the members call him the mom of the group

best cook in the group (or so he says)

thinks he’s gordon ramsay or something

always acts embarrassed when they ask him to be cute and says he can’t act cute but is also always trying to act cute (earned nicknames like cutie or cutie kihyunnie and tiny during rush era)

1 + 1 = kihyunnie

don’t let him fool you tho he’s also ready to call out the members at any given moment and not go to their funeral after he slaughers them

also he’s always saying embarrassing pick up lines and has no filter

also he’s actually made of grease and not as smooth as he thinks

fans also call him a hamster a lot too

would die for chicken

HYUNGWON (chae hyungwon)

vocalist, dancer, and 1/3 of the visual line

15 january 1994

181 cm/ 5′11″ (tallest)

meme king

like 50% of the mx memes you see are him

he’s a model (he was even modeling during their survival show no.mercy)

181 cms its all real baby

honestly you’ll hear this evetually so i’ll just say it: lips

he’s actually a really talented dancer but no one remembers that 

not an example but mantis dance

fake maknae

always sleeping or thinking about sleeping, hardest member to wake up

would burn down the kitchen if you let him cook

searches his own name online

like kihyun he’s always ready to call out the members (especially kihyun(saltmates)) at any given moment

president of the roasting commitee

either tries too hard or doesn’t try at all

does not get the lines he deserves #nolinerking

a weakling

JOOHEON (lee jooheon)

rapper

6 october 1994 (libra)

177 cm/ 5′9″

you can tell when he’s about to rap because he always shouts “JOOHEON” and if that isn’t iconic idk what is

 “Excuse my charisma”

spits literal fire 

but also the cutest member (the real cutest not fake cute like kihyun) 

likes being cute more than manly

his dimples are a mile deep

joohoney

used to apart of nuboyz w shownu, wonho, and gunhee

was a regular host for a while on weekly idol (along with got7′s jackson, exid’s hani, twice’s dahyun, and gfriend’s sinb)

was also on celebrity bromance with jackson

he’s literally friends with everyone, you see a kpop idol  jooheon probably has connections with them

was on smtm4 but eliminated the 3rd round

takes part in writing mx’s music and lyrics

also helps design album’s jacket and covers

featured in many songs, even before debut ( 깽값 - mad clown, coach me- hyolyn and sane, get low - mad clown etc)

he often talks about how he wants to lose weight or go on a diet but fans are always telling him he doesn’t need to (which is good)

probably has a snapback for everyday of the year

was the first one to open up to i.m when he came onto no.mercy

I.M (im changkyun)

rapper, youngest

26 january 1996 (aquarius)

175cm / 5′9″

the oddest or most “4d” member of the group

“i am what i am man”

speaks english

spits fire

does not seem like the youngest

lower voice than expected

the ‘manliest’

traveled a lot when he was younger (lived in boston for 3 yrs and israel for 4 yrs)

helps write mx’s songs and lyrics

has some solo songs ( Who Am I (featuring YESEO) and  Madeleine with Brother Su feat. J.Han)

was brought on in episode 8 of no.mercy and because he was brought on so late the members were very cold to him at first, but of course they all love him now

was supposed to join a group called nu’bility in 2014

always biting shownu’s arms 

has the most photos of wonho on his ipod

shownu is his current boyfriend, wonho is his next boyfriend

monsta x debuted may 14, 2015

they currently have 4 mini albums

they were on a survival show before debut called no.mercy

their fans are called monbebes

MVs

trespass

rush

gone bad

perfect girl

amen

hero

all in

unfair love

white sugar

stuck

fighter

roller coaster

white love

iconic performances: mirotic stage,  Nam + Kung Ddari Sha Bah Rah,  Moves Like Jagger,  INTRO+All in, this particular hero stage, hyungwon in this ukiss cover, furry minhyuk in this bad girl good girl cover, shownu hit the stage, shownu hit the stage again, kihyun king of masked singer, kihyun king of masked singer with namjoo, trepass beagle ver, hero halloween ver

Series

no.mercy (survival show): X

right now: X

deokspatch: X

Some Variety Shows and interviews

after school club 161: X

asc 177: X

asc 213: X

weekly idol 216: X

fan heart attack: X

today’s room: X

the qmentary: X

kiss the radio: X

idol battle likes: X

Kim Jiwon's Rooftop Radio : X

Soompo interview: X

Play J's Weekly Idol: X

whatever the hell starship calls this mess: X

this is where monsta x ray subs would go if there were any

that should be enough to get you acquainted with the boys! hope you enjoy! and im always open to questions!!

[crystal-cloudy]

A bunch of shit you never asked for

My mind was going at a mile a minute last night for hours and has been ever since before then and hasn’t stopped except for occasional deep sleep naps. So I feel the need to write down half the things that I was thinking because I don’t have anyone I feel comfortable talking to these days and unless I write down my thoughts I’m never going to sleep again, which makes my depression worse and then I just cut again and again and I ain’t in the mood for that shit.

So here’s a bunch of shit you never asked for*

*Note, I really want to buy a notebook to write all my thoughts in, so I don’t have to deal with computer battery and crap, but I haven’t found The One yet. I don’t know why but notebooks and sketchbooks have personalities to me, which is why I don’t write these things in the sketchbooks I already have. That’s not for them.

My dream location is to go to Prague. God I love the idea of going to Prague. i’ve travelled a lot in my relatively short life thanks to my dad constantly having to travel in order for work and said work expenses being paid so he can actually do shit, but ive never gone where ive wanted to go. I want to see the looming gothic structures of Prague, i want to see what became of bohemia after fascism, i want to see it all. i want to read gormenghast too, i really want to read that.

i think i came up with the reason why no matter what im always lonely. im a secondary friend for just about everyone i know. it’s at a point where they will talk to me for days and hours and ill learn so much about them and feel like they care about me without my having said anything and then they go away to a new favorite for at least a month, and i am secondary. i am there to talk about the primary and nothing more. and every now and then they remember that i exist and i have mental illness and i am in pain and alone and have never had anyone really there, and they try to come back and be my friend but we both dont know how, and in the time that theyve been gone ive tried to teach myself to hate them. i can’t be their friend after ive tried to hate them in order to remember that i never told them anything of importance and we never really were friends.

everyone else in my life is somewhere ahead of me. i dont mean in the stereotypical path of life, i mean in what i want. i want so badly to find love and to not be alone and to experience freedom but i never will and my friends already have it. they’re not exactly able to relate to me without me feeling dead inside. because they have signification others, or are okay without significant others, or know that they are attractive to people so that even if there’s no one good enough there yet, they know they’ll find someone. I’m so far behind and I feel constantly dejected and condescended to. People will talk to each other and they’ll say things like “so i know you’ll understand because you have a boyfriend...” and they’ll talk to me about how in love they are and ask me for romance advice and i just want to die right there because im so alone and unloved and i never will find that kind of relationship.

And it’s impossible to think anyone ever will find me attractive. I work so hard to lose weight and be healthy, and I think i’m getting somewhere and then i find out i’ve gained back half the weight i lost and i just want to hide myself forever and die and never show my face to the light of day. im so ugly, and my body is covered in scars and stretch marks and i’m still too fat for the amount of exercise i do and my age, and there’s nothing i can do without drastic change or eating things that make me throw up (no not laxatives. food that is considered healthy for whatever reason has made me gag and throw up since i was a little girl). and i just hate it so much because i work so hard to be healthy and lose weight and nothing really matters and i’ll never reach my goals. and we had to present a lab to the class in anatomy and i was one of the subjects and ive never felt more disgusted with myself and the teacher asked why we didnt use BMI for our experiment (she meant it innocently though) and it felt like a knife sinking into my chest, i felt so singled out for being so huge. I hate being so tall and so fat. If you’re short and fat, it evens out and you can be cute. if you’re tall and fat, then you’re this awful creature that takes up space and is barely human and is considered some kind of neanderthalic idiot. most of my friends think im proud of being tall because i constantly joke about it, but i really hate it. i wish i was small and compact and didnt stretch off the end of the bed or be too big for some blankets to cover. 

and colleges are starting to respond again and i dont want to hear back from them. people keep congratulating me that 5 colleges have accepted me and while i know that’s better than some, my top colleges have an acceptance rate that’s almsot 40% lower than the colleges that accepted me and i need money.

and my mom keeps stressing me out because she talks to me about our financial problems (and refuses my offers of help) and trying to plan out things for next year when my dad has to be in singapore for 6 months, some of which is while my sister and i will be in college, and they cant do anything until they know what im doing, but i cant know what im doing until ive heard back from all my colleges, and shes acting as though it’s my fault that i probably wont get accepted to those schools, while my dad is still denying the fact that it was almost impossible in the first place for me to be accepted in those selective schools and making me feel guilty for the fact that i probably will be rejected.

but rejection is something im used to at this point.

i missed 2 days on my antidepressant meds because i didnt tell my mom how low i was on meds until very late, and i didnt want to admit to her that i had forgotten because she constantly yells at me about it, and i didnt want her to stress about getting the meds, and i felt no difference off the meds and i wonder why.

people always tell me im a really empathetic person and i wonder how true that is. i care about and relate to and want to know them, but im so egotistical and self centered i doubt that’s true.

my sister was home for a week and i love her a lot so it was theoretically wonderful, but i always forget that she sees me as her lesser so i always feel worse about myself whenever shes here. i love her so much, shes always been my savior and closest friend, but im good for nothing to her except as a placeholder until something better shows up or as a pawn in her screaming arguments with my dad.

Speaking of my dad i finally came to my conclusion about him, and actually talked about it with my sister and we agreed on a theory about why he hates us: he adores our mom (which he does), and she always wanted kids so he was happy to oblige, and he wanted kids too, but boys, or at the very least STEM geeks or athletes. We’re both none of those. and he doesnt care about us beyond toting his legacy, and if we dont do a good enough job of that he doesnt care about us at all.

i finally got my license saturday before last, and i was so happy because i always felt excluded by people because i wasnt able to drive myself places and would always have to ask for a usually unavailable ride. but then the minute i got my license, people stopped doing things and only ask me for my availability for times that ive already told them im unavailable for. it’s like when i got my license a mass text went out to everyone i know warning them that i could transport myself now, and they shouldnt plan anything in case i show up.

another big thing was supposed to happen last week that would have at least been something to try and help my weird obsession with being excluded: we were going to go to the phone store and trade in my samsung galaxy for an iphone. i wanted an iphone, no matter the number/age/condition, for no reason other than i wanted to be able to have group texts/chats. every single camp or class i went to, the people who i got on with would make a group chat. and of course, i couldnt be a part of it. part of me thinks of it as a thats life kind of thing. the other part remembers that no one was a particular fan of me anyway, and they probably were more than happy to not be in contact with me.

it didnt happen and i dont know if im grateful or sad.