#and the deep rooted reason why I'm sucidial is because I feel like it's never gonna happen and its painful living this way
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Vent
#if there's anyone I vent to about emotional sex problems pls hmu#I keep trying to work on it with my therapist#but it's hard to say stuff#I just need to talk to someone pls#I feel like such a loser but I feel like I'm never actually gonna be touched and it's scaring and depressing me#whenever I try to get into a lee headspace my body gets a literal cold chill feeling of 'thatll never be you'#and it hurts my chest#I know it's so lame I hate how it sounds and I hate me#but ever since I can remember all I've ever wanted was to be touched n tickled by safe people who love me#and the deep rooted reason why I'm sucidial is because I feel like it's never gonna happen and its painful living this way#I can't be 40 and untouched I just can't do it#but I don't have the body or personality or spirit that people wanna touch#I dunno this is so stupid but im so sad#I had a great night with my friend but the moment im done I just get this#this cold sickening feeling that im never gonna get tickled#I know that's so fucking stupid but it's all I want it's the only thing that's gonna make me happy#my therapist keeps asking me what I want and all I want is that and I feel pathetic saying it#but fuck I wanna be IN somebody's arms#I hope my friend still had a good time I did too#my brain is just stupid n ruins everything#I saw this super cute video of this girl getting tickled and I was imagining myself#but- I dunno how to explain it- this cold sick scared sucidial feeling hits me in the chest and stomach#telling me that it's extremely unlikely that anyone would wanna touch me like that#it's this unmovable thing that won't go away no matter how much hope people try to give me#I hate how simple and shallow this is but all I want is to be tickled#God I'm crying so hard why do I suck so much as a human being I don't wanna be this way
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