#and the fact my ultrasound tomorrow should get me out of work entirely which. i mean im gonna be disassociating to avoid the panic

[lupismaris]

Dragging my bruised and exhausted corpse into the office at 6:30am trying to find a sense of purpose in all this

[woah-were-halfway-there]

Just What I Needed: Part 3

A/N: get ready for this freaking rollercoaster. As many of you know, this is the next part in the AFTR series and in typical me fashion, turn out way longer than I intended it to be. Enjoy. ☺️

Thank you my dear @andrei-svech​ for beta reading and listening to me yell about this.

Word Count: 12.8k... ffs

You knew you were awake. You sensed too much going on for you not to be, and yet, you still were unable to open your eyes.

"Do you know how far along she is in her pregnancy?" A female voice you didn't recognize spoke up, sounding much louder than the various beeps and shuffles you also heard.

"14 weeks," Auston replied, his voice husky. The way his voice sounded whenever he was really upset about something. "Closer to 15 weeks now. Do you know what caused this?"

"Fainting isn't uncommon with pregnant women," a male voice stated. "Dehydration, drops in blood pressure, there's a couple of different reasons as to why this could have happened. We won't know for sure, what exactly, until she sees a doctor."

"I'm more concerned over the fact that she hasn't woken up yet," the woman said.

That's when you decided you needed to open your eyes, and as soon as you did, your gaze fell on Auston.

He looked rough, and that's putting it nicely. His hair was messy, it was evident that he'd been running his hands through it like he always does when he's anxious, and his eyes were red and puffy. He was gripping onto your right hand as he watched another man and woman that were also in the small space as they did something off in a corner.

It was then you realized the man and woman were paramedics, and you were lying on a stretcher in an ambulance. Panic didn't take too long settling in after that.

"Auston?" Your voice cracked as you went stiff in realization and immediately gripped onto his hand for reassurance, his gaze moving to you right away. "Wait. Where's Mia?"

You went to sit up, suddenly on high alert after realizing your daughter wasn't with you but had to stop when you felt the now-familiar wave of lightheadedness wash over you again.

"Woah, take it easy, baby," Auston said as he gave you a look, silently pleading that you didn't fight him on this. You didn't. Instead, you slowly laid back down because you trusted that he would answer your question once you weren't so worked up, and he did. "Mia is ok. She's at home with my family. My parents are going to meet us at the hospital once you get checked over. I asked them to stay at the house to make sure Mia was ok after everything."

You nodded in response. What he said made you feel better in a way, but you were unable to keep your emotions from taking over still.

"Did she see me faint?" You asked quietly, blinking back the tears you felt welling up in your eyes as you did.

Auston paused, then sighed.

"She did."

"Shit."

Before Auston could respond again, and you could get too in your thoughts, the female paramedic approached the two of you cautiously and cleared her throat. Once you looked at her, she smiled softly before looking to Auston and nodding.

"Hi, Y/N," she greeted. "How are you feeling?"

"Not great," you admitted as Auston lifted your hand that was still linked with his up to his lips and gently kissed your knuckles. "Tired. Kind of just want to be back home, to be completely honest."

"That's understandable. We're almost at the hospital. As soon as a doctor sees you and makes sure everything is ok, you should be able to go home very soon."

You smiled and nodded at her reassurance.

"Thank you. How long was I passed out for?"

"We weren't very far from your house when we got the call for you," the male paramedic chimed in. "Auston said you fainted, maybe five or six minutes before we got there. So about twenty minutes, give or take."

"Lovely," you sighed, then looked at Auston tiredly.

"You scared the shit out of me," he told you, not in a way to make you feel bad, but to let you know how genuinely worried he was about you. "Mia is probably pissed at me right now."

"Why would she be?"

"When she saw you faint, she was worried about you, but I panicked. I asked Bre to take her out of the room so she wouldn't have to see you like that, and she was so upset, babe. She was still crying when we left the house."

Your heart broke hearing that. Not only at the thought of Mia being upset after seeing you faint, but also how hard the entire situation must've been on Auston and his family.

"I'm sorry," you whispered, not being able to stop the tears welling in your eyes again. "I-I should've just gone to the hospital earlier when my doctor said she couldn't get me in until tomorrow. I knew something was wrong. I had that feeling, fuck!"

"Y/N, you had no way of knowing this is what would happen. Please don't be so hard on yourself," he reasoned with you while giving your hand another little squeeze. "I, uh, I kind of dropped a bomb on everyone too."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm sorry. I know this isn't how we wanted anyone to find out, but, in my panicked state, my mom was trying to calm me down, and without even thinking, I told her that you were pregnant again."

"To be fair, it's best that you did because we needed to know to be able to tend to her properly," the male paramedic spoke up again. "And, sorry to interrupt, but we are approaching the hospital."

"You ready?" Auston asked and reached towards you to gently push your hair out of your face. He then tried to give you a reassuring smile, although you could easily see through his facade.

It was apparent that he was as anxious as you were, but he had already been so brave and strong for you. The least you could do was be the same for him.

"As long as I have you by my side, I'm ready for anything."

Once you were taken into the hospital, it wasn't long before you were seeing a doctor. She was a lovely woman, but you couldn't help but feel a little uncomfortable because you hated going to the hospital. You much preferred going to your own doctor. You always felt comfortable with her regardless of the situation, whereas anything else felt foreign. But luckily, you had Auston there.

At first, the E.R. doctor was a little confused by what would've caused your fainting. She was able to see how your last doctor's appointment went and that you seemed to be in perfect health. She then read how low your blood pressure was from when the paramedics checked it in the ambulance while you were still passed out. That was pretty concerning.

She explained to you and Auston that your fainting could've been caused by Dehydration, which was most common, but she wanted to test your blood to see if anything else came up. And sure enough, something did.

The doctor was able to get you a rapid test, so about half an hour after she finished taking some blood, she came back into the room and explained that your blood had a lower than average amount of red blood cells, which is tied to iron deficiency. In other words, you were diagnosed with anemia.

Being told that absolutely terrified you. It was the last thing you wanted to hear, and with the way Auston was physically pale when you glanced over at him, you could tell he was feeling the same way.

However, the doctor then explained how your anemia was more than likely just related to your pregnancy. It was more than likely that it would no longer be an issue once your baby was born, but it did pose some possible negative effects on the baby if not treated properly.

Your chances of having a premature birth, a baby with low birth weight, as well as postpartum depression, were much higher because of this. Again, not something you or Auston wanted to hear, but the doctor quickly said how the addition of an iron supplement with your prenatal vitamins should help keep things relatively at bay. She said it was likely that you may still feel dizziness, fatigue and other symptoms at times throughout your pregnancy, but keeping your iron levels up would help that. She then told you to see your doctor still the following day and said to take things easy before running a quick ultrasound to check on the baby.

Roughly an hour and a half after you arrived at the hospital, you were allowed to finally go back home, which was the best news you'd heard all night.

Not many words were exchanged between you and Auston as the two of you sat in the waiting room until his parents got there to pick you both up. There wasn't much that could be said. The two of you were still processing everything you had just been told, and it was a damn hard pill to swallow. So, instead of talking about it, the two of you sat in silence. You leaned against each other for the support neither of you could give verbally at the time.

The moment Ema and Brian entered the emergency room, you broke down. You knew, as a mother herself, Ema would understand how you were feeling, and it was not long before she was rushing over to you and Auston, then pulling you into her embrace.

Auston was the one to explain the news as you just cried it out a little bit, while Ema let you hold onto her. She kept assuring that everything was going to be ok, but for the first time in a long time, you were almost positive it wasn't.

That feeling of dread you already had was much more prominent than before, and now Auston was feeling something similar as well.

You both apologized to his parents for them finding out about the new baby the way that they did, but Brian quickly shut that down by telling you and Auston that it didn't matter how they found out. All that mattered was that you were ok, and so was the baby.

Neither of you could argue with that, and soon after, the four of you agreed it was time to go home and headed to the car.

When you all got back to the house, you were surprised to learn that Mia was asleep. It was close to an hour before her usual bedtime, but after you and Auston walked through the front and entered the living room, you found her passed out while laying against Alex on the couch.

"She just fell asleep," Auston's older sister spoke quietly as she greeted you both with a small smile and started gently rubbing Mia's head. "She was so exhausted. I didn't have the heart even to try to keep her awake."

"No, it's ok. Thank you," you replied softly, but before you could say anything else, Bre was bursting into the room and pulling you into a hug.

"Oh, my god, Y/N," she said as you hugged her back, then pulled away to look at you again. "How are you feeling? Are you alright?"

"Better now that I'm home with you guys," you told her, then bent down to pet Frank, who was looking up at you excitedly.

As you talked with her, Auston hung both of your coats up in the foyer's closet before coming back into the living room and gently picking up Mia.

Even in her sleeping state, Mia cuddled right up against her dad as he held her against his chest and your heart swelled when he turned back to look at you and Bre.

"I'll go put her to bed," he whispered, trying hard not to wake her up. But, before he walked past you and Bre, he stopped when he saw you looking at Mia. You smiled at him thankfully, because you knew that he stopped so you could kiss Mia goodnight, like you always did.

When you looked at her all snuggled in Auston's arms as she slept, you could feel yourself getting emotional. Immediately, you noticed how her eyes were still a little wet from what you assumed was her crying, which absolutely broke your heart. You hated that with everything you went through that night, Mia also suffered from it and some way. However, as you felt yourself beginning to get worked up over it, you took a deep breath to let yourself calm down, then leaned in to push some of Mia's little curls away from her face and placed a soft peck on her forehead.

"Goodnight, baby girl," you said quietly, then looked to Auston before reaching up to peck his lips too. "I love you."

"And I love you," he responded before kissing you again then glancing at his two sisters. "I'll be right back."

You watched him leave the room, then you and Bre joined Alex on the couch and began properly catching up, seeing as you hadn't been able to do that yet.

The two of them, along with Ema and Brian, were thrilled about the news about you being pregnant, which you knew they would be, but you were still really bummed over how they found out about their new family member. However, no one dwelled on that at all or pressed you about what you were told at the hospital. Instead, you were able to cuddle on the couch with your husband as you watched ELF with his family before eventually calling it a night.

~*~

The following day, Christmas Eve Eve, was rather hectic. But not necessarily in a bad way.

When you woke up, no one else was awake yet. The house was quiet, and there was no sound coming from Mia's room through the monitor. All that could be heard was the small breaths Auston let out as he slept next to you and the groan Frank made as he shifted his position from where he laid at the end of your bed.

Everything was peaceful and felt right. It was exactly what you needed after everything that happened the night before, but that soon changed.

As you waited for a sign of someone else being awake, you reached over to grab your phone from where it rested on your bedside table and opened up Twitter. You were scrolling for all of three seconds before realizing that 'Auston Matthews' was trending.

Curious about what could be trending regarding your husband, you clicked on a thread to see what it was all about. Surprisingly, a lot of it was about you.

It turned out that your trip to the hospital the night before didn't go unnoticed. A handful of tweets said how you and Auston were seen at Toronto Western Hospital, including one saying how the two of you arrived in an ambulance and how you were on a stretcher.

The majority of the tweets were people commenting, wondering what happened, and wishes that everything was ok. But, there were also some downright mean ones. Some people commented on your appearance, saying that you looked awful and how you were lucky to be Canadian; otherwise, Auston would've probably been covering the hospital bill.

Usually, you never paid attention to anything that was being said about you. These people knew nothing about your life and were indeed in no position to be saying anything, which you knew, but reading those things made you feel like shit. And you hated that you were actually letting them get to you.

But, soon enough, someone diverted your attention.

"Baby?" Auston asked, sounding very sleepy as he shifted next to you but still managing to make you jump at the sudden noise. "Everything alright?"

"Oh, uh, yeah," you lied and quickly closed out of the app before moving to face him. "Everything's fine."

"Are you sure? You seem a little flustered."

"Yes, babe, it's nothing to worry about."

"Ok," he responded unsurely, but dropped it as he subtly wrapped his arm around your waist then pulled towards him forcefully.

"Auston!" You gasped as you gripped onto his shoulder with one hand and bicep with the other so you could balance yourself out, but quickly realized he did that so you'd be hovering over him with very little space between the two of you. "Smooth."

"Always," he replied with a smirk, then began placing kisses along your shoulder, collarbone and neck.

He didn't stop until he reached your jawline and was able to see how much what he was doing affected you in the best way possible as your eyes fluttered close and you leaned into his touch. Feeling rather smug with himself, he then put his arm around your waist again and quickly flipped the two of you over so that your back would be on the mattress and he would be on top.

As soon as you looked up at him, he gave you a playful smirk and was about to continue, but then a noise began filling the room.

"Mama?" Mia's voice sounded through the monitor resting on Auston's bedside table as you and him both froze and looked towards the device. Sounds of shuffling and the odd grumble could be heard, making it rather apparent that your daughter was awake, but then she started crying. "Mommy!"

"Shit," you and Auston said at the same time as you both scrambled off the bed then rushed down the hall to Mia's bedroom, even gaining enough of Frank's attention that he followed after the two of you.

Once you pushed open the door to Mia's bedroom, you found her standing up in her crib, sniffling as she cried and tiredly rubbing at her eyes. Without a second thought, you beelined right for her and picked her up, making sure to give her a comforting squeeze as she immediately clung to you.

"It's ok, sweetheart. I'm here," you soothed as you began gently rubbing her back. "Mommy's here."

"Where go, mama?" She asked as she leaned against your shoulder and hugged you closer, then looked to where Auston was standing nearby but said nothing more.

"I just needed to go see a doctor, Mia. But it's ok. I won't leave you again, ok? I promise."

"Ok."

Auston watched the two of you interact and couldn't help but smile. He loved that you and Mia loved so much. Seeing the two most important girls in his life being as lovey and soft as you and Mia were made him feel all types of ways. You both were his entire world, and he was content just seeing a moment like that forever if he could, but then he remembered all that had to be done that day.

"Hey, Mini," he spoke up and reached towards her. "Why don't we go brush our teeth, then go eat breakfast?"

"No, daddy," she stated firmly as he went to take her from your hold, but she held onto you even tighter, instead. "I stay with mommy."

Both you and Auston were shocked by this. It was probably the first time Mia had ever just flat out denied any type of snuggles from her dad, and it was just so strange to see. Without even voicing it, you and Auston gave each other a look as if to say you knew she was giving him the cold shoulder because of what happened the night prior.

It sucked because you knew that your daughter didn't understand what was going on and that she still wouldn't even if you tried to explain it all right then in there. Telling Mia about pregnancy and how she was going to be a big sister soon had to be a gradual thing. So, with one more glance at each other and a slight nod, you and Auston silently agreed to just move on from the subject.

"Why don't we all go brush our teeth, and then I'll make you some pancakes, little miss," you suggested and kissed her head. "We have a long day ahead of us."

And you really did.

After the three of you got ready to go downstairs, Auston's family helped the two of you cook a huge breakfast for you all to eat. It was a great way to start off the day, but soon after, Auston had to leave for practice in preparation for the Leafs game that night.

Once he was gone, you planned to see your doctor, then pick up your family from the airport before you all were supposed to go to the game together. You were really excited, and Mia didn't leave your side for any of it.

Your doctor's appointment ended up being ok. You were told more about your anemia condition based on the doctor's bloodwork done at the hospital during it. Once that was established, your doctor then recommended some iron supplements for you to take with your prenatal vitamins and explained how she'd be checking your blood pressure very closely at every appointment from then on.

She also took time to check in with you and how you were doing. Her main question was if you'd been in contact with your therapist at all lately, to which you replied with how you talked to your therapist at least once a month still, but more frequently if you felt the need to. Your doctor was happy to hear that. She was the one that recommended you to your therapist almost ten years ago when you were a teenager, after all. You first met your therapist when you were seventeen and had been going to her ever since.

Then your doctor went on to tell you how she hoped you continued going to therapy, especially if everything going on with your pregnancy or just life, in general, was too much. You promised her that you would, and your appointment concluded soon after.

Having a conversation like that usually would make you uncomfortable. But since it was your doctor, the one you'd been going to since you were a kid, it made it all a lot easier. Having Mia and Ema there for moral support helped, too, especially with Auston being at practice.

Once you were done there, it was time to head to the airport and finally see your family.

Since the summer of 2017, when you and Auston had been dating for about six months, you've been the only one of your family that still lived in the Greater Toronto Area, and even then, you were only there during hockey season and a little bit at the end of offseason. You and your family loved Toronto. You always have.

Growing up, you lived in a small town on the outskirts of the GTA, then moved to downtown Toronto in 2015 when you were 18 and starting school at UofT. A year later, your younger sister Mya moved to Vancouver to begin school at UBC, then a year after that, Nate, the baby of the family, regardless of him only being two years younger than you, moved to Montreal. As your brother was in the process of moving, a job opportunity came up for your dad in B.C. and soon after, he was moving out west as well.

However, Ontario has always been home to your family. Every year at Christmas time, your family always finds a way to be together for the holiday season and continue your tradition of going on your annual skiing/snowboarding trip.

Two years prior, while you were still very pregnant with Mia, you all went to Mont-Tremblant in Quebec. The year after, during Mia's first Christmas season, everyone was in Vancouver for a few days, but now it was time for your family to be back home again, and you were so ready.

Although you kept in constant contact with your family when you weren't with them, it wasn't even comparable to how you felt when you were all together, so to say you were excited as you drove to the airport to pick them up would've been an understatement.

After your doctor's appointment, you took Ema back to the house just as Auston was getting home from practice, then headed to the airport with Mia to see your family.

You were holding Mia as you waited at the gates, telling her how her grandpa, auntie Mya and uncle Nate would all be there very soon and couldn't keep the tears from welling in your eyes when you saw them walking through the gate with their luggage. Mia started squirming in your hold excitedly, and for the first time that day, she bolted away from you as soon as you set her down and beelined towards your dad.

"Pa!"

"Ah, there's my girl!" He greeted as he let go of his suitcase, then leaned down to pick Mia up. "How are you, Miss Amelia?"

"Good," Mia replied with a smile, then hugged him tightly. "Christmas!"

"Yes, Merry Christmas!"

"Uh, excuse me, what are you still doing over there?" Mya said to you and held her arms open so the two of you could hug. "Hey, babe. Missed you."

"I missed you more," you told your little sister as you squeezed her, then pulled back to see Nate looking at you expectantly.

"Ehm," he cleared his throat and opened his arms too. "Are you forgetting about your favourite brother?"

"You're saying that like I have many choices in the matter," you told him with a pointed look, then moved away from Mya to go hug your brother too. "Missed you too, kid."

"Tee!" Mia then squealed as she reached towards Mya and Nate shortly after.

"Mia!" They exclaimed excitedly as they took her from your dad's hold, then you were able to hug him too.

"Hi, Dad," you smiled as he held you close for a minute.

"Hi, sport. How're you feeling?" He asked, making you smile hearing the nickname he's called you for as long as you could remember, but then gave him a knowing look.

"Auston told you, didn't he?"

"He called me while you were in the ambulance last night," your dad replied, then glanced at Mya and Nate as they started bickering over who was going to hold Mia and lowered his voice. "Congratulations, kiddo. Auston also filled me in on what the doctor said. I want you to know that we're all going to be here to help out if you need it, especially with Mia. Those two still don't know. I haven't said anything either. I figured you wanted to tell them about Mia's little sibling your own way."

"I do," you told him. "I wanted to tell you and Auston's family differently too, but I'm glad Aus called you when everything happened. I want to tell Mya and Nate tomorrow when we're with Mitchy and Steph too for Christmas."

"Fair enough, I'm sure they'll give you shit."

"I'd expect nothing less."

You then drove your family to where they'd be staying for the next two days. Usually, they'd stay at your house. Even with Auston's family, there was still room for the three of them, but this year, they stayed with Alice, your dad's girlfriend. You have adored Alice since you met her during your first Christmas with Auston as boyfriend and girlfriend back in 2017. Sadly, your mom passed away when you were thirteen, and it took years for your dad even to begin putting himself out there again in the dating pool. He always stressed to you, Mya and Nate that no one could ever replace your mother, which the three of you knew. Still, you all also understood that he was lonely and with the fact that he had given the three of you the world, the least you owed him was to not get in the way of him possibly finding happiness again.

Even with that, it took seven years after your mother's passing for him to find someone even worth considering bringing around his kids. However, Alice was amazing. You and your siblings have loved her since you met her, and now six years later are all still very glad to have her in your lives.

Your dad and Alice began their relationship shortly after he moved to Vancouver. They had worked together in Toronto a couple of years earlier until she moved to B.C., and they just so happened to cross paths again. However, Alice's family still lives in the GTA but vacation in Florida every winter.

This year, for a Christmas gift, you, Auston, Mya, Mya's boyfriend Seth, Nate and his girlfriend Sydney all pitched in so your dad and Alice could go to Florida for a few weeks and visit with her family a bit while they were there. The six of you told them what their gift was early, so they were prepared, seeing as the flight was booked for Christmas Day, and then your dad and Alice ended up booking a little beach house to stay in during those three weeks that had three extra rooms. Unfortunately, Seth and Sydney were unable to join, and the plan was for you and Mia to go for a week as well, but you decided against it because of how poorly you'd been feeling and lied, saying it was because you were swarmed with work.

Your dad understood and now gets it even more since he knows of your pregnancy, but Mya and Nate thought you were full of shit.

However, the timing was still perfect.

Alice arrived in Toronto the night before and was staying at her relatives' vacant home, which had more than enough room for your dad, Mya and Nate to stay at as well. The four of them were joining you, Mia, Auston's family and Steph in a box you booked at SBA to watch the game that night. The next day, everyone, including Mitch, Steph, and your cousin Chris, trekked up to Collingwood to stay at Blue Mountain Village and continue your family's snowboarding tradition during the holidays. Even Auston's family was joining, and you were so excited to have the most important people in your life around this Christmas. Late on Christmas Day, your dad, Alice, Nate and Mya were all to catch a late flight to Tampa and begin their vacation.

You were pretty excited about it all but more so happy to share your news about the new little babe you were growing with the loved ones who didn't find out because you fainted.

After a brief visit with Alice, you told your family you'd see them at the game, then you and Mia headed back home again. Auston was there once you arrived, and it wasn't long until he and Mia were having a quick nap on the couch together while Alex and Bre took Frank for a walk, and you chatted with Brian and Ema in the kitchen.

The rest of the afternoon was pretty chill, but soon enough, Auston had to leave to get to the arena, and the rest of you had to start getting ready to go there as well.

Before you went to the arena, you got yourself and Mia all dressed up in your matching Matthews jerseys and Maple Leafs Santa hats before you joined everyone else downstairs and headed out. But not without getting a few pictures taken in front of your massive Christmas tree first.

Your evening at the Leafs game was nothing short of amazing, even though you most definitely felt a little tired.

You loved every moment of being able to cheer on your man and the other guys with both your family and Auston's together. The fact that they all got along meant the absolute world to you, too, and your time at the game was just really enjoyable. Steph came and watched the game with all of you. Still, the two of you dipped for a few minutes during the third period because other wives and girlfriends of players who were also present at the game wanted to get one last group picture before the New Year—seeing as everyone got pretty messy at the girl's Christmas party a couple of weeks earlier. You were sober for that, and even you still looked like a hot mess.

After the game, you all waited for Auston and Mitch before heading home. The guys you saw as they walked by were all in good moods after the win they'd just got, but all stopped and made sure to say hi to you, Mia and Steph as they passed.

A couple of minutes later, Auston and Mitch entered the hallway at the same time and lit right up when they saw everyone. But then you observed as Mitchy glanced at Auston briefly then started racing towards where you stoop with Mia.

"Hi, Meems!" Your cousin said excitedly as he picked his goddaughter up and made her start giggling like crazy as she hugged him. He then smiled at you and gave Steph a quick peck before turning to face your dad, Mya and Nate and greeted them excitedly, still holding onto Mia.

"Why must everyone just steal our daughter before I even get the chance to see her?" Auston grumbled teasingly as he came up beside you and smoothly wrapped his arm around your waist to pull you in for a kiss, then leaned down to smirk at you. "Hi."

"Hi, yourself," you smiled back, then leaned against him. "To be fair, Mitch was just faster than you there."

"I can honestly say I wasn't expecting him to break out into a sprint just to get to her first."

"Would you expect anything less, though?" Steph asked with a chuckle from where she stood beside you, then resumed her conversation with Alex.

"Valid point," Auston said with a nod, then kissed your head before moving away and walking towards your family. "Time to visit my favourite in-laws."

You felt as though your heart could burst watching him interact with your family, even feeling yourself getting a little teary-eyed as you observed them. Sure, it was more than likely the pregnancy hormones, but you were also just so freaking happy. Moments like this made you forget about everything else going on, and you loved it.

It seemed that Ema noticed this too because a few short moments later, she was standing next to you, nudging your shoulder with hers and smiling before pulling you in for a little side hug.

Shortly after that, everyone grouped together to discuss the plans for Christmas Eve and then soon called it a night. You hugged Mitch, Steph and your family goodbye, telling them you'd see them tomorrow at Blue Mountain before heading to the parking lot with Auston, Mia and his family, still smiling because everything just felt right. And you really needed that.

~*~

Everyone was awake early in the Matthews house the following day, full of excitement for Christmas Eve and for what the day's events entailed before embarking on the almost two-hour drive to the ski resort.

You, Mia, Auston and his family were the first ones to arrive at Blue Mountain out of the entire group and immediately started getting settled into your accommodations. Your little family of three had a room to yourselves, with Alex and Bre in the room across the hall and Auston's parents in the one next door on the left. The room next door on the right was going to be where Mitch, Steph and Chris stayed and had a conjoining door that could be opened up to connect the two rooms. It was pretty obvious those two rooms would be where everyone was hanging out later that evening. But further down the hall were the two rooms your dad and Alice, Nate and Mya would be staying in.

About an hour later was when everyone else began arriving.

Mitch claimed they took forever because when they stopped by his parents' house to drop off Zeus, your aunt Bonnie just wouldn't stop talking. She had to catch up with Nate and Mya right then and there even though she would be seeing them and your dad the next day for Christmas. You understood, though, because when you were talking to her that morning as you dropped off Frank, lucky that she agreed to watch him for the night, the two of you talked for quite a bit, so you could only imagine how badly she wanted to speak with your brother and sister who haven't been back in town for months.

Once everyone was settled, Nate, Mya, Mitch, Chris, and Steph were dead set on getting to the slopes to begin your family's tradition properly, and that's when you started panicking. When you didn't start getting ready right away, they knew something was up, and the fact that you stayed quiet confirmed that even more.

"Y/N, why aren't you getting ready?" Nate asked as he peaked his head through the doorway connecting yours and Mitch's room.

"I, uh, I think I might sit this one out, guys," you replied sheepishly. To be completely honest, you didn't know if it was safe to snowboard while pregnant or not. Sure, you were pretty good at snowboarding and didn't think you'd wipe out, but that didn't mean there still wasn't a chance that you could and end up causing harm to yourself and your baby.

"Excuse me?" Chris said before sticking his head through the doorway too. "The hell do you mean you 'might sit this one out', Y/N?"

"Well, I-."

"It's tradition," Mya cut you off from where she sat on the couch in your's and Auston's room.

"I, I don't know," you responded. "I guess I can go down one hill, but maybe just an intermediate one and no racing."

"That's no fun," Nate groaned dramatically before disappearing out of sight.

"Babe," Auston spoke up from where he stood a couple of feet away, putting on Mia's snow pants and coat. "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

He then gave you a look, silently asking you to reconsider because you knew he'd be stressing out the entire time you were up on that hill.

"I think if I stick to an easy hill, I'll be fine, Aus," you explained to him softly so no one else besides Bre and Alex, who were sitting next to you, would hear. "If I was earlier in my pregnancy, I wouldn't even consider it, but I'm 15 weeks, babe, and not to sound cocky, but I don't think I'm going to wipe out."

"But-."

"I promise I'll only do one. If I didn't feel well enough to do it or was worried, I wouldn't. Ok?"

"Ok," he sighed and nodded in agreement. "But if something happens, babe."

"Try not to think about it like that," you replied and stood up to walk towards him and Mia. "Have a little faith in my skills."

"I do. And I mean, you're definitely better at snowboarding than I am."

"That's because you're my Desert Boy," you told him, then leaned down to peck his lips before he could say anything else, smirking because you knew he hated when you called him that.

"Why do you only want to do an intermediate hill?" Mitch asked as he strolled into the room but stopped briefly to compliment Mia on her puffy pink coat before looking back at you. "Pretty sure last year you said, and I quote, 'it's too easy. Where's the challenge?' Right?"

You didn't know how to respond. There was no way you were just flat out going to say it was because you were pregnant, and you struggled coming up with an excuse. But luckily for you, Bre saved your ass.

"It's because us Arizonians aren't used to this, and Y/N promised she wouldn't show us up," Auston's younger sister spoke up, then winked at you.

"Thank you," you told her quietly.

"Ok, that's fair," Nate replied and came into the room too. "The Canadians have a bit of an advantage here, I guess."

"Speak for yourself," Steph scoffed from the other room. "The only reason I'm no longer afraid of the ski lift is because you all have dragged me on it so many times now."

"You and me both, Steph," Auston piped in, then stood up from his kneeling position in front of Mia. "Wow, Mini, you look great. Are you ready to go on the mountain coaster?"

"Yeah!" Your daughter replied excitedly, then ran into the other room.

"I guess we shouldn't keep her waiting," Alex suggested, to which everyone agreed with, and you all soon made your way outside.

Once the group of you were all dressed for the cold, you went down to the resort lobby and dispersed. The kids made their way to the ski hills while Ema and Brian wandered around the village with your dad and Alice.

As soon as you arrived at the foot of the hill with all of your gear, Auston asked if you were sure you would be ok doing this, and you assured him that you would be.

You then made your way over to the ski lift and braced yourself for what was to come. Mia stayed at the bottom of the hill with Alex, but not without cheering you and Auston on, of course.

"Go, mommy! Go, daddy!" She called after the two of you and waved with Alex as she watched you go.

You then got on one of the ski lift chairs with Auston and Bre and waited patiently to be taken up to the top. Once you got off the lift and everyone was grouped together, you, Nate, Mya, Mitch and Chris all took your annual hilltop cousin group picture, as well as some others.

There were some nice photos taken of you with your siblings, a couple with Steph, as well as a few with Bre. Nate managed to capture a typical picture of you and Mitch where he was laughing, and you looked like you were ready to throat punch him. But your favourite photo was one that Bre took.

As everyone was figuring out which hill they wanted to go on after this one, you shuffled over to Auston, then wrapped your arms around his waist and leaned against his chest as you waited. He responded by wrapping his arms around your middle too so that he could hold you close. Then he leaned his head on top of yours and looked down towards the bottom of the hill. Steph then went over to Bre and pointed out the cute little moment happening between you and Auston, and your sister-in-law was quick at snapping a picture so that the moment would be saved forever.

Shortly after that, you all snowboarded down the hill. Mitch and Nate showed off a bit, and Auston tried to but got a little shaky in doing so. You made it to the bottom without issue but didn't want to risk going down again because, realistically, you didn't know what could happen out there and would much rather be safe than sorry.

The rest of them went down different ski trails while you hung out with Mia and let Alex have a turn going up the hill as well. As you and Mia waited, you noticed the rental spot for skis and snowboards, and since there wasn't much else to do, you decided to go rent a tiny snowboard for Mia to see how she would take to the activity.

After you got her all geared up and standing on the board, you started pulling her around.

"Look at you go, Mia, you're a natural," you told her with a smile.

"Look at me, go!" She repeated while giggling as she continued staying firm in her standing position while you pulled the rope attached to the board.

About twenty minutes later, you found a very tiny pile of snow that barely had a slope, but it was still something and gave you an idea.

"Alright, babe, want to try all by yourself?" You asked and looked down at your daughter. She didn't answer you. Instead, she just looked up at you unsurely. "It's going to be ok, sweets. I won't let you fall."

"Ok, mama," she replied hesitantly but did not indicate that she didn't trust you.

You then pulled her up the small snowbank and positioned her at the top where the slope began. Once you were done doing that, you crouched down next to Mia so that the two of you would be face to face.

"Are you ready?" You asked and couldn't help but smile as she lit right up and nodded.

"Yeah!"

"Ok, give me five," you replied and held out your hand, which she quickly smacked her mitten-covered hand against in attempts to give you a high-five. "Full send?"

"Full send, mommy!"

At that, you chuckled, then leaned over to kiss her head before shuffling down the slope. Once you reached where the rope ended, you looked at your daughter again before grabbing it and started tugging slightly.

Once Mia was over the edge of where the slope began, you let go of the rope and let her slide down all on her own. You shuffled down the hill backwards, making sure to be there if she did fall, but she made it to the bottom without issue and was so proud of herself.

"Woah!" She gasped and looked at you, excitedly.

"Good job, baby!" You told her, but loud cheering and hollering sounded from nearby before you could say anything else.

"Shred-it, Mia!" Nate exclaimed, making you look over to see everyone approaching the two of you again, all of them grinning widely.

"Good job, Mini!" Auston beamed as he was the first to reach you, then quickly scooped up Mia and held her close. "And here I thought you might act more Arizonian than Ontarian."

"Well, she was born here," Mitchy argued. "Don't downplay her half-Canadianness."

"She's already better at snowboarding than I am," Alex added in, making everyone laugh.

"Pretty soon, she's going to show all of us up," Chris stated.

Mia couldn't stop smiling while being surrounded by all of her people and hearing their compliments. Shortly after that, Mitchy pulled her back up to the top of the snowbank so she could go down once more, then you all headed back into the resort to warm up and get ready to go find the rest of the family.

A couple of hours later, after the whole group got together for dinner, everyone was gathered in your and Auston's room just hanging out. Your room was pretty big, but with Mitch and Steph's room being connected, it allowed much more space, and no one was cramped.

No one stayed dressed up for this. You all changed into comfy clothes without having the need to impress anyone but still managed to pull off a surprise when yours and Auston's family arrived at your room to find you, him and Mia all dressed in matching Christmas pyjamas.

Everyone then started sipping on some alcoholic beverages, minus you and Mia, of course, and as the night progressed, you started feeling more and more ready to tell the rest of your family that you were pregnant again.

Your siblings, Mitch, Steph and Chris, were all aware that you hadn't been feeling well lately, and they never pressed you about it, even though they didn't know why. They knew that whatever wasn't making you feel well was more than just one thing, but they knew you'd tell them when you were ready to. So, when you expressed that you didn't want to drink that night, none of them gave you a hard time even though Steph had a gut feeling about something.

It eventually got to the point where you just didn't want to wait any longer. You were having so much fun with the people you loved the most and were unable to keep your secret anymore.

You subtly made your way over to where Auston was standing, holding Mia as he talked with Chris in the corner of the room by the Christmas tree, and wasted no time cuddling right up next to him.

"Hi, mommy," Mia greeted, noticing you before anyone else but soon had Auston turning to look over his shoulder, smiling as soon as he saw you.

"Hey, babe," Auston said and welcomed your cuddles.

"Sorry to interrupt," you stated, then looked to your cousin, who also just smiled in return while watching you, Auston and Mia together.

"You didn't interrupt," Chris replied. "But I'll be right back. I'm going to go grab another drink."

Once it was just your little family of three, you looked up to Auston and bit down on your bottom lip while trying to contain the massive grin you could feel forming.

"What's up?" Your husband asked, knowing that you were getting excited about something.

"I want to tell them."

"Right now?"

"Yeah," you answered. "I think I'm ready."

"Then I'm ready, too," he stated, which made you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

"What are you three over there talking about?" Mya spoke up as she approached the three of you.

With one final glance at Auston, the two of you nodded at each other, then you moved away from him slightly so that you could both face everyone else.

"Well, there's something that we wanted to tell all of you," you told Mya but managed to capture everyone else's attention too.

"Wait!" You heard Mitch yell from the other room, then a moment later, he was bursting through the doorway and letting out a dramatic breath. "Ok, proceed."

You smiled and braced yourself for what was to come.

When it came to announcing your pregnancy with Mia, it was all a little chaotic and nothing was planned well. Which was fine, but you wanted the announcing of this little bean to be more fun and exciting. Unfortunately, that plan was partially ruined when you fainted in front of Auston's family, but you knew they were excited and knew that your family would be just as stoked, which is why you wanted to get creative with how you told them.

Growing up, for the longest time, you didn't really understand pregnancy, seeing as you were so young when your mom was pregnant with both Mya and Nate. You were never able to remember who put that idea in your head, but you used to believe how a woman got pregnant was by eating a watermelon seed, and then a baby grew in their belly because of it. Eventually, you grew out of that and understood what it actually meant to become pregnant, but your family has never let you live it down.

When you showed Mya and Nate your pregnant belly when you were expecting Mia, one of the first things your brother asked was if you ate watermelon, and it's also just something members of your family will always bring up just to tease you about.

You told Auston this story when he was confused by why so many people talked about watermelon as you were pregnant the first time, and he found it absolutely hilarious. His family did, too, so you thought that would be a fun thing to incorporate into announcing this pregnancy.

A couple of weeks prior was when you attempted to tell Mia about how she would be a big sister in a few months. She didn't understand, and both you and Auston knew you'd both have to be gradual and patient when it came to helping her understand what that meant. After you told her, she asked how you were pregnant, and before you could even say anything, Auston told her that you ate watermelon and you wanted to die of embarrassment because you knew that was just something you'd never be able to live down.

"The anticipation is killing me," Steph spoke up, snapping you from your train of thought but also making you grin even wider than before.

"Mini, can you tell everyone what your mommy ate?" Auston asked your daughter as he looked down at her, then pointed to her tummy so that she'd understand what he was referring to.

"Mommy ate watermelon," she said casually, then jumped when a series of excited gasps sounded from around the room.

"SHUT UP!" Nate was the first to say something, making Auston's family and your dad laugh, while everyone else looked at you completely flabbergasted.

"Are you kidding?" Mya asked and stepped even closer. "This isn't some kind of sick joke, is it?"

"It's not," you confirmed, your voice cracking as you let out a small laugh and started crying as your sister engulfed you in a tight hug.

Soon enough, another pair of arms were wrapping around you and Mya, holding you both tightly as they did so. They laid their head right on top of yours with ease, and a deep laugh rippled through their chest. You knew it had to be your brother.

"This is insane. Congratulations, Y/N," Nate said.

"Meems, you're going to be a big sister!" Mitchy told Mia as he took her from Auston's arms so your brother and sister could move on to congratulating him too. Once he had Mia, he looked at you and shook his head but had the biggest smile as he pulled you in for a hug. "Congrats, twin. Oh, my god."

"I knew something was up!" Steph squealed as she tackled you in a hug next. "Please, I'm so happy for you, babe."

You then received a hug from both Chris and Alice after that, who were extremely happy for you and Auston. Shortly after that, Ema ran to her room to bring back bottles of wine for everyone to crack into for a congratulatory toast kind of thing. She made sure to give you a glass of sparkling cider instead as everyone cheered on your growing family, making you even more emotional as you leaned into Auston's chest as a way to hide the fact that you were bawling your eyes out.

Later that night, after everyone had wandered off to bed, you and Auston were still awake wrapping the Christmas gifts you brought to give to your loved ones in the morning. Mia was passed out on her little travel bed on the other side of the room next to yours and Auston's bed, while the two of you were all giggly and teasing with each other as you attempted to get everything done.

Auston was a little buzzed from the alcohol he consumed earlier, and even though you were sober, you just fed off his energy, and the two of you were just having a lot of fun.

"Would you quiet down?" You whispered after he made a particularly cheeky but loud comment. "You're going to wake Mia up."

"It's Christmas, babe," he replied as he stuck his tongue out at you. "Loosen up a bit."

You rolled your eyes at him but still smiled as he leaned over to change the song that was softly playing from his phone nearby. Whenever Mia was going to sleep, she always preferred to listen to music as she did. So, you and Auston made a little playlist she listens to fall asleep to every night that's made up of very soft and soothing music and songs that you both love.

Even after Mia fell asleep, the two of you left the music on so it would somewhat cover up your voices as you did your wrapping. It just all very much so fit the vibe of the two of you still in your matching pj's talking with each other as you sat on the ground next to the Christmas tree seeing as that was the only light source you could use in the room without waking up your daughter.

The intro notes of Lover by Taylor Swift started playing next, and Auston let out a pleased sigh as he looked back at you.

"Ah, Miss Swift," he said, then gave you a look.

"What?" You asked and narrowed your gaze at him.

"Can I not just admire my beautiful wife?"

"You can, but I know the look you're giving me. It's the one you give when you want something. So, what is it?"

"You know me well," he told you then smirked, before extending a hand towards you. "Dance with me."

At that, you chuckled a little bit, but then Auston stood up and kept his hand extended as he looked at you expectantly.

"Wait, are you serious?" You asked, surprised.

"Why wouldn't I be?"

You didn't know how to respond. You were so caught off guard but soon found yourself slowly reaching for his hand and letting him help you stand back up. Once you were upright, you then let him pull you in close and rested your head on his chest as the two of you began swaying to the music.

As you did this, you couldn't help but think about dancing with him like this at your wedding that happened a year and a half prior. That was one of the happiest days of your life. Dancing with him at that moment next to the Christmas Tree made you feel like that all over again, and you soon found yourself snuggling closer to him as he began humming along to the lyrics.

No words were exchanged. There was no need for them to be. The two of you were in your own little world and just wanted to stay there for a while longer. Even as Lover faded out and Ed Sheeran's Perfect began playing next, the two of you stayed holding onto each other and continued swaying as the night seemingly faded around you both.

~*~

Christmas Day morning, although kind of chaotic, was everything you could've hoped it'd be.

You, Auston and Mia, had a very soft morning that was just the three of you before everyone piled into your room again and kicked off the day's events. Your entire family all got breakfast together, then went back to the rooms to exchange gifts but had to check out of the resort and head back to Toronto soon after.

That evening, you drove Nate, Mya, your dad and Alice to the airport, then went back home to have Christmas dinner with Auston's family. It was a very chill way to conclude the holiday, and you loved every minute of it.

A few days later, Auston's family flew home to Arizona, hockey started up again, and things just started feeling weird to you.

You would've been lying if you said you didn't experience a bit of post-holiday depression. Going from a full house of people and having all your loved ones together to having the house basically empty besides you, Mia and Frank hit really hard. The Leafs' schedule after Christmas sucked and had Auston constantly coming and going, which also didn't help because it was brief when he was home.  

It was like you were coming down from a really good high, but instead of things eventually feeling normal again, they just gradually got worse without you even realizing it. And on top of it all, you just felt so tired and weak all the damn time, finally noticing how badly your anemia absolutely kicked your ass and would continue to do so for the months to come.

However, as soon as you acknowledged how down you were feeling mentally, you booked an appointment with your therapist. Gradually got in the routine of talking to them at least once a week again. But even in doing that, you never discussed how you were feeling with anyone else and were unintentionally pushing them away.

Your loved ones noticed, though. It was very easy for them too. But, there wasn't much they could do to help if you didn't let them.

During those weeks after Christmas, Mia barely left your side because she knew you weren't feeling well, and neither did Frank. Mitch and Steph were able to pick up on something bothering you, too, because you distanced yourself from them. They knew about you having anemia and how that definitely affected you a lot, also that you were just bummed, but you wouldn't let them even try to help you. Steph tried to invite you over for days the two of you could just chill together with Mia, Frank and Zeus while the guys were away and was even ok going to your house instead, but you never gave her a straight answer. So, nothing came of it, and she and Mitch started genuinely getting worried about you.

They weren't the only ones who realized you weren't feeling like yourself either.

When you Facetimed your dad, Alice, Nate and Mya while they were in Florida, they could easily tell you weren't doing good and just wished they could be there to help. Auston's family was able to tell too, and it even got to the point where Ema was about to fly back to Toronto but didn't because she knew if that wasn't something you wanted to happen, it wouldn't help the situation.

Naturally, it was Auston who noticed just how much changed with you after the holidays. He saw it first hand when he was home and could hear it in your voice during your calls while he was away. However, you just never expressed what was bothering you, and other than the obvious things that triggered this, not even you were sure why you felt as gross as you did.

Unfortunately, this took somewhat of a toll on your's and Auston's relationship. You didn't realize you were pushing him away, and he couldn't help but blame himself for it. He wished he could be home all the time, and so did you, but that just wasn't possible, and it was the first time that a form of mental and emotional distance between the two of you added to the physical distance that was already there and it just made everything so much harder.

Miscommunication between you and Auston occurred more during these few weeks than it ever had throughout your entire relationship. How both of you felt just wasn't addressed because neither of you knew how to approach the topic and were utterly oblivious to how bad it truly was.

Both of you hated it so much. But then, around the middle of January, about two weeks before Mia's second birthday, there was a slight shift, and things briefly started looking up.

You were happy and more energetic all of a sudden, and for a few days straight, you just seemed so much like yourself again. There was a day that you and Mia grabbed lunch with Steph then hung out for the remainder of the day for the first time in almost a month. Your dad, Alice and Nate were due to fly back to Toronto in the upcoming days and stay for a night before going home themselves, so you were excited to see them even though Mya was already back in B.C. And even with Auston, you were gradually coming out of that wall you unintentionally built around yourself and letting him back in as well.

Although not every day was perfect, things seemed better. Little did anyone know they were about to go to complete shit and how easily it could've all been avoided too.

During a couple of days where Auston was home, he decided to plan something special for you. The weird scheduling of him seemingly being on the road more than he was at home was coming to an end just in time for Mia's birthday, and he couldn't wait. He was so excited to have longer stretches at home. Even though he'd still have to come and go, it wasn't going to seem as bad as it had been previously. And the best part was that he'd get just to be there and spend time with you and Mia.

To kick that off, on the 15th, exactly ten days before Mia's birthday, he booked a reservation for the two of you to grab dinner at one of your favourite restaurants downtown.

You weren't feeling 100% that day, but after Auston proposed the idea, explained what restaurant the two of you would be going to, and how he'd already arranged for Steph to watch Mia that night, you got pretty excited about it.

The thought of having a nice evening with your husband sounded so good to you. After how shitty January had been so far, you felt that you really needed this one on one time with him and could tell that he felt the same.

There wasn't a Leafs game that day, but Auston did have practice and some media stuff he had to do before meeting you for dinner. It was a long and hectic day, to say the least, and it ended up being way longer than he was expecting, but he eventually finished what he needed to do and couldn't wait to get home and see his girls.

However, when he got home, you weren't there. But Steph was.

"Hey, Steph," Auston greeted as he walked through the front door and looked at her curiously. He was lucky, though, because Mia was very focused on the show Steph had put on for her and didn't even notice him. But before he could make his presence known to her, Steph told Mia she'd be back in a second, then rushed into the foyer.

"What are you doing here?" She asked, looking at him as if he'd grown a second head.

"Uh, this is my house?" He chuckled in response.

"I'm aware of that, but weren't you supposed to be downtown getting dinner with Y/N an hour ago?"

Auston froze and went completely pale at that.

"Oh, fuck," he said and immediately started putting his coat back on. "Oh, my god. I completely forgot about the reservation. Fuck!"

Without saying another word, he booked it out of the house and back to his car, but Steph understood and just hoped that this wouldn't become a whole thing, even though she had a feeling it definitely wasn't going to end up good.

Auston tried calling you as he drove back downtown and got more frustrated with himself when you weren't answering. About twenty minutes later, he parked the car and rushed to the restaurant. However, when he went to go inside, you walked out.

You looked surprised to see him, but that quickly changed to a look of hurt and disappointment, which didn't go unnoticed by your husband.

"Y/N, I am so sorry," Auston tried to explain while taking in how dressed up you were. You looked stunning in the dress you decided to wear that night, and it made him feel even worse about how badly he fucked up. "I got so caught up with everything today, and I know that's no excuse, but please know how sorry I am. We can go back in there. I'm sure they'll still take us."

"I already ate," you told him, then glanced away. It was then he noticed how glossy your eyes were with unshed tears and could feel his heart shatter. "I just want to go home."

"But, baby-."

"Please, Auston. I'm embarrassed enough as it is."

He didn't know what he could say to that, so with a nod and another apology, the two of you walked to his car and headed home.

The original plan was for Steph to drop you off at the restaurant to meet Auston, then the two of you would drive home together afterwards. That's exactly what happened. But the entire drive home was so painfully silent, and Auston knew it was all his fault.

"Babe, you don't understand how sorry I truly am," he eventually spoke up, which had you shifting awkwardly in your seat before responding.

"I understand. But please, let's just drop it."

You didn't leave much room for argument as you mindlessly started rubbing your 18-week pregnant belly and moved to look out the window, so Auston didn't bother fighting you on it and continued the drive home in silence.

Steph could sense the tension when the two of you walked into the house but knew it wasn't her place to ask about it. So, she gave Mia a quick hug goodbye, then told you and Auston to have a good night as you both thanked her for watching Mia, then made her way home for the night.

There weren't many words exchanged between the two of you as you put Mia to bed and got ready to sleep yourselves. Although you still cuddled up against Auston as you began falling asleep, just like you did every night, he still knew that you were so upset with him. However, the issue wasn't resolved or addressed, and the two of you soon fell asleep for the night.

The next morning, Auston had to be up early to catch a flight out of Pearson with the team to go to New Jersey for a game against the Devils that night. He was due to be back home in three days after a game against the Capitals the following day, and then was going to be home for four days before having to go to Montreal.

You didn't express that you were still upset with him as he got ready to leave, but he knew you were still hurt. As he was about to walk out the door, you still wished him luck with his games and told him that you loved him, because even though you were upset, that didn't change the love you always had for your husband.

But, Auston was already overthinking the entire situation and had begun planning a way he could make it up to you again as both you and Mia kissed him goodbye. That night after the game against the Devils was when he decided he'd fly home the following night after the game against Washington to surprise you, rather than going back to Toronto a day later with the rest of the team.

However, the day he was planning on flying home, you called him to explain how Mia wasn't feeling good.

You were pretty sure she was getting an ear infection, and she was just so fussy because of how uncomfortable and in pain she was. It broke your heart seeing her like that, and you just really needed to tell Auston about it, hoping he'd remind you that everything was going to be ok and of course, he did.

During that conversation, he managed not to bring up the fact that he was coming home that night but said to call him still if you needed anything or if Mia got worse.

Unfortunately, Mia did get worse, and it was too overwhelming for you.

When Auston was playing hockey that night, you got to the point where you were about to have an absolute breakdown because it was all too much. Your doctor was closed, and Mia didn't even consider the idea of going to the hospital, getting even fussier whenever you mentioned it. You couldn't call Auston and were about to call Steph because, on top of everything, you felt like trash too. Although you really didn't want to inconvenience anyone, you knew that you needed help and couldn't do this independently.

But, before you called Steph, you remembered that your dad and Nate were in town with Alice for the next two nights before they flew back to Vancouver and Montreal. You weren't even sure if they'd landed in Pearson yet, but without thinking about it any longer, you brought up Alice's contact in your phone as you held Mia with your other arm and hit the call button.

"Hello?" Alice greeted you with her usual cheery voice, which made you let out a loud sigh of relief.

"Alice, are you guys back in Toronto yet, by chance?" Your voice cracked as you sniffled, trying to keep it together but simply unable to.

"Oh, honey, is everything alright? We're in an Uber right now, about ten minutes away from my cousin's house."

"Would you mind if I came over? Auston isn't here, Mia is sick, and I need help. I don't know what to do anymore."

"You do not even need to ask, sweetheart," she replied softly. "But take a few deep breaths for me, ok? I know it's tough, but it's going to be alright. You go pack a bag for you and Mia, then get her and Frank loaded into the car and come over. Ok?"

"Ok," you responded, taking a deep breath as you did so. "Thank you, Alice. We'll be there real soon."

After you hung up the phone, you continued taking deep breaths so you could calm yourself down. You then looked down at Mia as she leaned against your shoulder, fighting to stay awake, and could tell that she felt probably as gross as you did.

"I'm sorry you're not feeling good, sweet girl," you told her softly, then brushed some of her curls away from her face. "We're going to stay with Pa, Alice and Uncle Nate for the night, ok? We're going to get you feeling better very soon."

"Ok, mama," she replied, then held onto you a little tighter as you started packing a bag for the two of you, then got both of you all bundled up to leave the house for the night.

As soon as Auston's game was over, he called you to check in with how Mia was doing, but the call went straight to voicemail. After a few more attempts to contact you and the same outcome, he started getting worried. He texted his mom, Steph and even a couple of the other Leafs girlfriends that he knew you were pretty close with to see if anyone had heard from you, which none of them had.

Not being able to keep himself from getting a little anxious, Auston still went to the airport and got on the conveniently short flight back to Toronto, hoping that everything would be fine once he got there.

As soon as he landed, he called you again, and there was still no answer. Yes, he knew that you were still mad at him, but he didn't think you were angry enough just to ignore him entirely and seemingly fall off the grid, especially after telling him that Mia was sick.

He started getting frustrated and sent a quick text to Nate to see if he'd heard from you, but never got a reply back. So, he ordered an Uber to take him home, and when he got there, his heart dropped into the pit of his stomach.

Your car wasn't in the driveway, there wasn't a single light on in the house, and there wasn't a single sign of you, Mia or Frank once he went inside. It was past Mia's bedtime, so it didn't make sense for you not to be home, but surely if you'd taken her to the hospital, you would've told him and not taken Frank. So, he called you again and still wasn't able to get through.

He stressfully pushed his hand through his hair as he called his parents in an attempt to figure out what the hell was going. As he did this, he took his boots off, hung up his coat and went upstairs to your's and his bedroom. When he entered the room, a mix of your and Mia's clothes was strewn all over the place. It looked that you left in a hurry and only grabbed what you could, but Auston couldn't figure out why.

While on the phone with his parents, he expressed what he saw to them and felt himself getting more and more upset. Ema tried to keep him level minded, but he was already too worked up for her to be successful in doing that.

"Mom, I think she left," he finally stated, acknowledging the worst-case scenario that had been eating away at his mind since the moment he entered the house. Ema was confused by what he meant when saying that because she was already well aware that you weren't there, but then Auston elaborated on what he was thinking. "Me, mom. I think she left me."

[amelialincoln]

So Close

(I know this timeline doesn't made sense but oh well)

Amelia sat in the stiff, plastic chair in the waiting room of the OB/GYN floor, her fingertips gracing the underside of the small bump that had formed over the last couple weeks as her second trimester progressed. Link was late, as always. Probably jogging through the corridors of some random floor of the hospital. His ability to get lost in a hospital he’d been working at for the last three years was almost admirable. Sometimes she’d find him wandering through vacant stairwells and poking his head into random offices, completely disoriented and probably holding a string of patients up. She did enjoy when he’d get lost on the neuro floor because it meant that she’d probably get a short visit if he managed to find her under the pile of paperwork that had formed since Edwards had left. Her fellow had always taken care of that type of stuff. Amelia had completely forgotten how to function without her. She glanced at the clock again.

“Hey!” Link’s voice snapped her out of her daze and she glanced up to find him leaning on the doorframe of the waiting room.

“Hi,” she breathed, giving him a nervous smile before focusing behind him on the cheesy poster that outlined some medical miracle about a set of triplets that were supposed to not have made it out of utero. She found herself shuddering at the thought.

“You okay?” Links brows were knit together in concern and he quickly closed the space between them. “You look worried.”

“I just have this pit in my stomach,” she responded, staring at the ground and trying to physically shake off the feeling that she’d woken up with that morning. “I feel like something is wrong.”

“Like nauseous?” Link was trying to understand, he’d noticed the change in behavior as they’d woken up that morning but had been late for work and wasn’t able to check in on her. She shook her head in response, interlocking her fingers together at the curve of her stomach. Link was about to question further when he was interrupted by the sound of their names being called into Carina’s examination room

“She’ll be in shortly." The nurse smiled softly, as she closed the door gently behind her. Link held out his hands to his girlfriend as she awkwardly hoisted herself up onto the reclined chair.

“Moving much today?” He asked, trying to distract her from whatever she was in deep thought about. Amelia shook her head, surprising him.

“They’ve been pretty still.” Link had finally been able to feel a kick a couple of days ago and was still completely mesmerized by the idea. The flutters had started a little while before, shocking her at first because it was something that she never actually experienced with Christopher, despite the tricks her mind had played on her.

“Ciao,” Carina greeted them as she entered the chilly examination room and slid into the swivel chair beside the ultrasound machine. “Good to see you guys again. How are we feeling? Eighteen weeks now, yes?” Amelia nodded, Link could tell she was nervous as she swallowed uncomfortably.

“What’s wrong, Mia?” He said aloud, receiving a look of confusion from Carina. He wrapped his warm hands around her cold ones and could tell that she was on the verge of tears.

“Everything’s probably fine,” she shook her head uneasily as Carina and Link hesitated in silence. Finally she picked up the light blue bottle of ultrasound gel and spread it over her stomach carefully. “Can we get this over with? I have surgery and I still need to get lunch or Link will attack me for not eating enough.” She tried to smile at him but he could tell that she was internally freaking out. When he didn’t return her enthusiasm she looked away, fixating on the ultrasound which had just whirled to life. Carina expertly guided the wand around Amelia’s abdomen before glancing at the couple worriedly. Amelia felt as though time stood still when the obstetrician bit her lower lip and turned the monitor slowly out of their view. Link’s grip on her hand loosened and he muttered something incoherent in confusion. He didn’t understand what that meant or what was going on like she did. He didn’t know that the way Carina was staring at that screen meant that something was undoubtedly wrong. She wouldn’t either if she hadn’t experienced that same look before, worn on her best friend as she delivered Amelia the news that resulted in one of the worst days of her life.

“What’s wrong with them?” She finally broke the silence. “What’s wrong with our babies?”

“I should get a second opinion,” Carina finally responded, tearing her eyes away from the screen and looking at the anxious couple. “I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t understand.” Link felt like he was a million miles away and that everyone in the room knew something he didn’t.

“What do you think it is?” Amelia found the words slipping out of her mouth before she decided if she even wanted to know the answer.

“TTTS,” Carina replied, hoping to god that she didn’t have to spell it out for them. The way Amelia recoiled made it obvious that she didn’t have to. “We don’t have a lot of time.”

“Which one is weaker?” Amelia asked so fast that Link had barely processed Carina’s response.

“The girl,” the OB replied, glancing at the heart beat once again to confirm before nodding.

“Have you done the procedure?” Her pregnant co-worker’s voice was as fragile as a china doll.

“Dr. Robbins is the only one who has successfully completed multiple solos in North America,” Carina forced herself to continue. “She’s overseas at a conference. Wouldn’t be able to make it to Seattle until tomorrow night if she got on a plane immediately.” She could tell that her male co-worker was in a daze, trying to understand what the pair were even talking about while also stealing nervous glances at girlfriend.

“I need to call Addison, can you just give us a second?” The neurosurgeon begged. Carina nodded, stepping out of the room and thanking god she could finally breathe again. Amelia picked up her phone with shaky hands and found Addison’s name almost immediately, willing for her ex sister-in-law to pick up.

“Amelia, what?” Link’s voice made it evident that he had finally made the connection that something was wrong.

“We don’t have a lot of time,” she willed her voice to stay level. “Addie?”

“Hey, Amy!” Addison’s voice was light and cheerful as were most of her friends who lived in L.A.

“Have you done a twin endoscopic laser ablation?” She found herself blurting out, not knowing if she had the mental ability to engage in small talk. Link had gone so white she thought he might pass out beside her.

“I’ve watched a couple and assisted on a couple when I was working under Kypros in the U.K.” Addison’s voice was suddenly solemn. “Why, do you have a friend?” The phone’s static crackled as Amelia tried to find a way to put everything into words. “Amy...no.”

“Yeah,” her voice cracked into a million pieces and Link regained enough composure to tug her into what he hoped was a comforting embrace.

“I’m getting on a plane,” Addison’s voice rang clear, loud enough for Link to understand. “We’re going to fix this. I’ll read every article there is to read on my flight and we’ll fix this, okay?”

“Okay.”

[][][]

Link wasn’t known to get aggressive but it took everything he had not to punch a hole in the wall of the room that the couple was frozen in after finally learning the seriousness of the position they were in.

“Even if the surgery is successful, it’s rare that the donor twin will survive,” Amelia added numbly, as Link led her into an on-call room.

“Addison’s going to come,” Link didn’t know what else to say, “and she’s going to figure this out.” He guided her onto the bed and allowed her to burrow her head into the crook of his neck. He undid the clasp to the bra that she’d been complaining was getting too small for weeks now and placed it beside them gently. It was the fact that she was silent that worried him the most. There were hardly any secrets or hidden passive aggression in their relationship. Everything on Amelia’s mind was almost immediately blurted out and he was barely ever kept in the dark about how she was feeling. “Do you want to talk?” He asked, not knowing what else to say. Amelia shook her head, closing her eyes and letting out a long shaky exhale. Link sighed, dropping his hand into her hair and massaging her scalp gently.

“Feels good,” she mumbled, her hands travelling over her stomach. She wanted to pray to god that they were both okay but she was trying to push every thought that entered her mind away. She knew about the syndrome enough to know that if one had died the other one would follow quickly, their little blood supply completely interconnected. She glanced up to find Link’s eyes teary, so deep in thought that it seemed like he was a million miles away. “Do you understand what’s going on now?” She found herself asking but in no way wanted to explain it to him.

“My mom was pregnant with twins,” Link’s voice was soft, “After me. Something went wrong.” His brow was furrowed, as if he was trying to remember the event that had happened years ago.

“Oh,” Amelia replied. “I’m sorry.”

“I was too young to really remember.” Link shook his head. “Is this genetic? Is this my fault?” He looked at her in a way that made it evident that he had begun to blame the entire situation on himself.

“No,” she forced out quickly. “It’s not genetic.” She waited until he relaxed. “It’s not your fault. It's not either of our faults.” That thought had been running through her head since they’d found out the news and she was still trying to convince herself it was true. Link relaxed beside her and pressed his palms into his face. He didn’t like when she saw him cry, she knew that well enough. They stayed that way for what felt like hours, both trying to hold back tears by holding each other instead. Every flutter inside her gave her hope that they were doing okay and every so often she’d press Link’s hand to her abdomen, hoping that he could feel them too.

[][][]

Addison, still buzzing from the three iced coffees and adrenaline of practically rolling out of bed on her day off and catching a plane to Seattle, entered the examination room breathlessly. Link was cradling Amelia’s small frame in his arms, whispering something inaudible to her into her hair. It was the type of exchange that physically hurt to watch and she felt frozen in time for a millisecond.

“Hi,” she found herself saying from the doorway. Amelia lifted her head in response and wiped her red, irritated eyes on Link’s scrub top. “I’m so sorry.” Amelia shrugged, Addison could tell she wanted to make some inappropriate and emotionless joke but couldn’t piece anything together.

“Here we go again.” Was all she could manage to say, in a tone that made Addison want to cry herself. Link allowed her enough space to pull Amelia into a hug.

“We should do an ultrasound now. Carina hasn’t filled me in yet. Can you--”

“Last time we checked they were still doing okay,” Amelia interrupted. “Or were still alive, I guess I should say. The donor twin, she’s the girl, her heartbeat was slowing down. The boy's was still beating strong last we checked.”

“Okay,” Addison muttered, picking up the familiar instrument and spreading gel over Amelia’s stomach. “So I don’t have to give you the speech on how the procedure, if done right, should be successful for the recipient twin? We can hope that the girl will survive but the odds are less.” Amelia nodded.

“I remember from when you assisted on the one at St. Ambrose. I think I was living with you at the time. You talked about it at dinner. It was a miracle they both survived.”

“You and your insane memory.” Addison smiled, cupping her shoulder and giving it a light squeeze for support. Amelia held her breath as the machine whirled to life. Addison found their boy’s heartbeat easily before focusing on their baby girl. Amelia glanced up at Link with teary eyes, not wanting to watch as Addison moved the instrument around expertly. Finally the sound of a slow thunder echoed through the room and the pairs entire bodies relaxed a little. “We need to get in there now,” Addison sighed. “No need to book an O.R. and waste time, it’s very minimally invasive. The first one I watched was performed in a practice.” She motioned to one of the nurses, who was waiting outside, to enter the room. “Let’s sterilize the room as best we can. Get Carina in here, she should observe and I need all the equipment now.” The nurse nodded quickly before going to complete Addison’s orders. “I’m going to inject the aesthetic, you’ll feel a little pinch.”

“Relax, babe,” Link said softly, placing a hand on Amelia’s tensed shoulders as Addison snapped a pair of gloves on and picked up the needle.

“Alright, one, two, three,” she muttered quickly as she swiftly inserted the needle and placed a small piece of gauze over the injection site. Amelia winced as the long needle entered her stomach and looked away. Carina appeared in the doorway with the nurse and handed Addison three long instruments. “Alright, Amelia, just look up at the screen for me okay? We’re going to see your babies in just a second.”

“Can you count down again?” The neurosurgeon asked, knowing that Addison was trying to distract her from the large rod she was about to stab into her abdomen.

“You should barely feel it with the anesthetic...but of course,” Addison responded. “Just look at the screen, okay?” She glanced at Link who was looking queasy despite his speciality being one of the goriest. “One, two, three,” she stabbed the sharp end of the rod into the side of Amelia’s baby bump before pushing it in gently and sliding the scope inside. “You see his hand?” Amelia nodded, mesmerized by the image of the screen.

“This is always my favourite part,” Carina interjected. “Seeing the little ones in utero. So peaceful.” Link nodded with his eyes, alike Amelia’s, focused intensely on the screen.

“So now we just have to decipher which blood vessels belong to which baby,” Addison announced, guiding the scope down below their son.

“Can we see her?” Amelia asked.

“Of course,” Addison glanced up at her sister and could tell she was trying to catch a glimpse of the second baby. “You can get a look at her before we pull it out.” Addison and Carina’s voices were hushed as they turned the screen towards each other, deciding which blood vessel belonged to which and not wanting any input from the worried parents. Addison took a deep breath and allowed time to slow. She tried to block out the fact that this wasn’t just any worried mother but it was the person she’d already delivered awful news to once before. After nodding a final time to Carina, she started the laser.

[hockeylvr59]

Proving Your Worth Part 12 || Jonathan Toews

Requested: [ ] yes [x] no

Authors Note: So when I sat down to write, this was not the chapter I had in my head...I fully blame the blackhawks 17-18 schedule for this because that is entirely what it’s structured around. So guess what...you have to be tortured for another chapter before you get what you probably thought was coming in this chapter. But in return, you get a lot of softness and some tropical time. 

Warnings: smut, cursing. 

Word Count: 4,565

~~~~~

Spending Christmas with Jon and both of your families had been wonderful. Sadly, just a few days later Jon was headed off on the road again, this time for more than a week. You’d missed him before, but this time felt different and you weren’t sure whether to blame your hormones or the increasing seriousness of your relationship. With Jon on the road you were spending New Year’s alone and while that was something you were used to, it left you with a lingering emptiness that felt deeper than usual. 

Feeling the walls of your apartment crushing in on you, you packed up an overnight bag and grabbed the few things you’d acquired for the baby. Then you drove over to Jon’s....and technically your home, parking in his spot and letting yourself in with just a wave to the doorman. With your bag dropped at the door and your shoes and coat left in their proper places in the entryway, you walked through the kitchen and down the hall with the bedrooms, stopping in front of the middle room - the one Jon mentioned could be the nursery. The door was closed, but you gently pushed it open, a gasp spilling from your throat as you stepped into the room. 

Its walls were still a pale cream, but where a yoga mat, stationary bike, and some weights had been before (Jon had used this as a home gym), a plush grey rocking chair and ottoman stood taking their place. Tears filled your eyes as you stepped closer, dropping the box of baby things gently on the floor. A small piece of paper rested lightly on the ottoman and picking it up you saw the words ‘my love’ scrawled across the front. Opening it, you felt the tears fall as your eyes scanned over the words. 

If I know you like I think I do, I’m sure you’ll find this long before I’m able to make it home to you. Hopefully, this is just the start of making my home feel like your home. Our home. You are always welcome here. I know you weren’t planning on doing anything with the nursery until after your next ultrasound, but I saw this and decided that it could work either way and maybe just maybe provide you some comfort when you need it most. 

I love both of you and can’t wait to wrap my arms around you soon. 

Jon

Wiping at your eyes, you sighed softly at how Jon pulled this off right under your nose. Every time that you thought you couldn’t love him more, he went and did something like this. Deciding the little bit of fiddling you wanted to do could wait a little longer, you settled yourself into the rocker, your hand splaying over your growing bump. 

“What do you think?” You whispered. “Did daddy do good?” Not shockingly the response was mere silence but you didn’t mind it, instead tracing patterns over your stomach. According to the books, it wouldn’t be too much longer before you felt the first movements and you were eagerly awaiting the days of wave-like feelings and flutters from the baby’s activities. 

Jon had been right in the fact that this rocker was already bringing you comfort. At the same time though, the longer you sat, the colder you felt. Pouting, you realized that you hadn’t turned the heat up when you arrived and Jon always turned it down before he left so that his furnace wasn’t constantly running. Feeling too lazy to walk all the way back to the entry to adjust the thermostat, you instead simply reached over to the box, pulling out the quilt your sister had made for the baby. It didn’t cover you fully but it was enough to provide some warmth over your legs and bump, the areas where you felt the chill the most, allowing you to relax back into the chair. 

Suddenly your phone was ringing. Pulling it from your pocket you yawned as your brain processed first that it was Jon calling, and second that it was almost midnight. You must have dozed off because it was not that late when you’d gotten here. Shaking the fog from your brain you answered Jon’s facetime, heart-melting as Jon’s face dimly lit up his screen. His surroundings were fairly noisy and you watched as the background moved behind him before things got a little quieter. 

“Hey, baby.” He greeted. “Did I wake you?” He inquired. Shrugging, you smiled back at him yawning once more.

“I don’t know. I guess so.” You replied. “How’s the team party going?” You asked assuming that was the cause of all of the noise. 

“Would be better if you were here.” Jon mused. You shifted the phone for a second as you adjusted yourself in the chair and when you looked back at him Jon’s smile was even wider. “So I guess you did find my surprise.” He declared, fingers running through his hair. “And I guess it’s pretty comfortable if you dozed off in it already.” He added. You nodded and mirrored his actions, your free hand running through your own locks which were tousled from sleep. 

“I won’t keep you long…” Jon murmured. “Just...it’s almost midnight and I wanted to ring in the New Year with you.” He explained. The look in his eyes went sad for a moment and you realized he hated missing your first new year’s together as much as you did.  

“Hey, Jon…” You whispered. “I love you.” 

“I love you too. Both of you.” Jon responded. From off in the distance behind him you heard the start of a countdown. 60...59...58…

“Hey...just two weeks until bye week.” You reminded him. 

“Two weeks until your doctor’s appointment.” He grinned. 40...39...38…

“You still haven’t told me what you want...boy or girl?” You teased knowing full well that you still weren’t going to get an answer out of him. He had insisted that he honestly didn’t care. 

“A healthy baby.” He said, echoing your internal thoughts, making you sigh and roll your eyes. 20...19...18…

“I promise you I am going to be over the mood either way,” Jon assured you. 13...12...11…

“I just really wish I was there to kiss you right now.” He stated as the countdown reached ten behind him. 

“I wish you were too.” You agreed, cheers increasing in volume as the clock officially struck midnight. “Happy New Year Jon.” You breathed, reaching forward to blow him a kiss through the phone screen. 

“Happy New Year love. I have a feeling this is going to be the best year of my life yet.” Though you could stay on the phone with him for hours, it was clear that some of the guys were trying to get his attention when he sighed and glanced sideways before turning back to you. “I gotta go. But promise me you’ll make your way into bed.” He teased. “I don’t want to hear you complain tomorrow when your back is sore.” The crinkle of his eyes made you smile sadly and you nodded. 

“Don’t stay out too late there cowboy.” You teased back. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow?” 

“Count on it.” He declared, blowing a quick kiss of his own before ending the call. For a moment, your head fell back against the chair as a few wayward tears fell, but then you pushed yourself to your feet, folded the blanket up over the corner of the rocker, and moved to the kitchen for a bottle of water and your bag. It wasn’t until you had crawled into bed that you realized you’d forgotten to adjust the thermostat while you were up. As you were working up the energy to move your phone buzzed once from it’s charging spot on the nightstand and a quick glance at it made you smile. 

Jon: Turned up the thermostat for you <3 Sleep tight my loves. 

You’d forgotten that Jon had recently upgraded to a fancy system that let him adjust it from his phone so that he didn’t have to come home to a freezing apartment after two weeks away. The fact that he knew you’d forget, and that even while away he found ways to take care of you made you feel so loved. It made you miss him a little less but all the more at the same time. 

_______

You only had to miss Jon for three more days before he was finally home again, with only one more away game before the break. It felt good to be back in his arms again and the first night you had him alone, you made sure to properly celebrate the new year the way you would have if you had been together...first with his head between your thighs as you sat on the kitchen counter, and then tangled together in bed. 

The team was facing struggles, unable to string more than two wins together in a row. You knew it was taking its toll on Jon even if he was still featuring prominently on the scoresheets, but he never said a word at home, choosing to leave work at work. 

Finally, on a Monday morning, the first day of the bye week, you found yourself tucked into Jon’s passenger seat as he drove you to your doctor’s appointment. This was the first one he was coming to and it was the big one. The one where you found out whether the baby inside you was a little boy or a little girl. 

It was almost amusing watching your doctor react when she walked into the room and spotted Jon sitting beside you. To her credit, she just looked back and forth between the two of you before nodding to herself and asking if you should get started. 

By the end of the appointment, you and Jon had both shed happy tears and you left with the ultrasound photos in hand, a bright smile on both your faces. Your baby was perfectly healthy and as Jon pressed you against the side of his SUV for just a moment despite the Chicago wind whipping around you, you let him kiss you, his lips drifting up to your ear. 

“I know I said I didn’t care…” He breathed. “And I’m sure I’d be just as thrilled if it were the opposite, but I’m honestly really excited we’re having a...” He explained, his voice trailing off at the end as his fingers rubbed over your bump. 

Seconds later, his phone buzzed and after glancing at it, he cursed softly. 

“We gotta get going, babe.” He urged, opening the car door to help you inside before rushing around to climb behind the wheel. 

“What’s the rush?” You questioned, eyes going wide. 

“Relax. You’ll find out.” Jon urged. Your eyes trailed over him in confusion for a minute before you settled for looking out the window as Jon navigated through the Chicago streets until you were outside of the immediate city limits. When the car eventually stopped, your jaw dropped and you glanced over at Jon warily. He had just pulled up to the small airstrip the team frequently flew out of and off in the distance you could see a private jet being prepared for flight. 

“Jon…” You murmured, voice catching in your throat. “What did you do?” Jon was already out of the car by the time you spoke, however, and by the time he reached your door he had two bags swung over his shoulders. 

When you didn’t immediately climb out of the car when he offered a hand, Jon shook his head before setting the bags down beside him and leaning in to kiss you. 

“Would you c’mon?” He prodded. “Your vacation has already been cleared with Denise. I packed your bags while you were getting ready this morning and the Sharps are waiting for us.” When you continued to sit frozen in place, Jon’s fingers rubbed across your cheek before dropping down to your bump. 

“This could be our only chance to take a real vacation before the baby gets here…” He murmured. “And you can’t tell me you wouldn’t like to get out of the cold for a couple of days.” As you shivered from the blowing wind, you couldn’t help but admit that some warmth did sound nice. It seemed like Jon had gone to a lot of work to surprise you with this trip and so eventually you nodded, taking his hand as you slipped out of the car. He quickly picked the bags back up and his hand drifted to your waist as he guided you across the airport tarmac. 

As you reached the plane’s steps you stopped at the sound of voices inside until Jon’s fingers rubbed over your back through your coat. 

“The Sharp’s know.” He murmured. “They’re the only ones that know so far, but they know.” He clarified, once again reading your mind before you could even speak. As you climbed the stairs, Jon showed both of your passports and after checking them you were both let onto the flight, the Sharp kids greeting Jon immediately. 

After returning their attention for a minute, Jon introduced you to Patrick’s wife and then reintroduced you to his teammate. Patrick asked if you were ready for Mexico and your eyes went wide. 

“Didn’t get around to telling her that part.” Jon declared, his fingers scratching at his neck. “Wanted to surprise her.” He explained as he guided you into a seat and helped you buckle in around your bump before settling in himself so that the plane could take off. 

Jon’s hand remained in yours until the plane was in the air and then he shifted to grab you a bottle of water. For the first hour or so of the flight, you chatted with the Sharps who asked about how things were going with the baby. Jonathan rambled on about the appointment you’d just come from, his smile growing wider every time he talked about seeing the baby for the first time and how ready he was for everything to come. For the second hour, Jon moved to play a card game with the Sharp kids and Patrick’s wife sat herself next to you, insisting that if you needed anything she was only a call away and fawning over how nice it was to see Jon falling in love and settling down. She mentioned that she had never seen him act this way before and that it was adorable how much he loved the baby already. 

Pregnancy fatigue finally kicked in after that and you spent the last hour and a half of the flight asleep on Jon’s shoulder. Upon landing, you parted ways with the Sharps until the flight back, and Jon guided you into the back of a car, giving an address to the driver. A few minutes later, you arrived at a beautiful resort, your jaw dropping. You’d never been in this nice of a place before and you couldn’t help but gape at Jon as he helped you out of the car before gathering your bags. 

“Don’t look at me like that,” Jon stated softly, as he leaned in to kiss you. “You deserve all of this and more.” His hand wrapped around yours as he guided you inside and after checking in, you were led down a hall by a concierge. When the suite door was opened and you were led inside, your eyes went wide once more. In front of you were glass windows looking out at the ocean that stretched wall to wall and floor to ceiling. Between where you were standing and the glass was a comfortable living room with a big screen tv and tucked off into the corner was a king-size bed. The tans and blues of the room were immediately calming, but the best part was the plunge pool that lay just outside the doors and was clearly all yours. 

“You like?” Jon whispered in your ear as his arms draped around your waist and it was only then that you realized you were now alone. 

“It’s stunning.” You murmured. “I can’t believe you did this.” You added, feeling Jon chuckled against your neck. 

“Promise me you’ll just enjoy it.” Jon breathed. “You don’t let me spoil you often. And I want this time...to just enjoy you, us as a couple. Like I said, we probably won’t get another trip before the baby gets here so let’s make the most of this one.” He urged, his lips ghosting over the skin of your neck as he spoke. Now that you were here you could either be stubborn and make things miserable, or just relax and enjoy yourself by letting Jon give you all of the good things he wanted to. Deciding on the second option, you leaned back against his chest and tilted your head up toward him. 

“You just want to see me in a swimsuit.” You teased. “Did you even manage to find me a swimsuit?” You questioned, not sure you even had one in your drawers because you weren’t doing a whole lot of swimming in Chicago. 

“I’d be lying if I said I didn’t.” Jon agreed, his fingers trailing from your bump, up your sides. “Admittedly I had to order a few things for you ahead of time and that was one of them.” He declared. “But it’s not like I don’t know your sizes by now. So you’re gonna look hot.” The smirk on his face made you smile and you leaned up to peck his lips. 

“Damn right I’m gonna look hot.” You teased back. “But you better feed me before anything.” Jon’s laugh was the best sound you could ever hear and for a moment you felt a fluttering in your stomach. You’d felt it a few times before, usually when with Jon, but now after talking to your doctor you knew that it was likely the movements from your baby that you’d been waiting for. 

When your hand fell to the spot Jon paused and moved to lean down and kiss your bump. 

“Are you feeling our little one move?” He inquired, his eyes lighting up even more when you hummed and nodded. “Sounds like they’re agreeing it’s time for some food.” He surmised. “But let’s change first because we’re still dressed for Chicago and in Chicago we are not.” 

You opened the bag Jon had packed for you after he’d placed it on the bed and inside you found multiple new outfits. You were grateful that Jon had really put some thought into this because you certainly didn’t have any maternity wear for summer yet. Slipping on a green sundress with a floral print, you twisted your hair up on your head and then slipped on some sandals. By the time you had managed all of that, Jon was standing in front of you in a t-shirt and shorts, his hands in his pockets. 

You’d returned to the room after dinner full and happy when Jon suggested a moonlit dip in the pool. Nodding because that sounded nice, you moved to get your suit when Jon stopped you, his hands falling to your hips. 

“You don’t need that tonight.” Jon declared, his hands falling to the hem of your dress. The sun had set while you were eating dinner and looking out the window you saw nothing but darkness. “Yeah?” Jon breathed, feeling your body go somewhat pliant against him. 

“You’re something else.” You replied, simply kicking the sandals off of your feet to a corner by the couch. 

“And you love it,” Jon responded. With the lights inside dimmed and only the lights in the pool on outside, you let Jon guide you outside before his hands tugged your dress off over your body. “You’re so fucking sexy.” Jon complimented, his hands sliding over your exposed skin to unhook your bra before dropping to your hips to slide your panties off of your legs. 

“You’re wearing too many clothes.” You complained, feeling slightly exposed as the tropical breeze gently wafted around your nude body. Effortlessly, Jon tugged his shirt over his head before unfastening his shorts and pushing them down his legs along with his boxers. Kicking his own sandals off somewhere beside you, he stepped forward and dropped a gentle kiss to your lips before moving to step into the pool, his hand out once more to help you on the slick steps. 

As you sunk into the water beside him, you couldn’t help but smile at the way the lukewarm water felt against your skin. 

“Fuck…” You heard Jon breathe, his eyes fixed on you. Your eyebrow raised in his direction and he shook his head. “I can’t believe you’re mine.” He explained, swimming from where he’d been in the deepest end of the pool to where you were standing in the shallows. 

“I could say the same.” You insisted your fingers trailing up his arms and then over the solid muscles of his abdomen. His groan as he pressed against you made you flush but you didn’t remove your hands from his heated skin. “I mean you know you’re like every woman’s dream man right?” Jon quirked a brow like he was skeptical and you rolled your eyes playfully at him. “You’re hardworking, determined, passionate, financially responsible, you care about others; not just those that you know personally, but those you don’t. You’re honestly so selfless that it blows me away sometimes. And then you know...having a body like this doesn’t hurt.” A few months ago you never would have felt comfortable teasing a man like this but with Jon, everything was different. “Plus...knowing how to use that body...bonus.” You said, your eyes gazing up at him, surely filled with lust. 

At your words, Jon’s grip tightened around your waist and he pulled you close, his mouth seeking out your own. 

“I should show you exactly what I can do with this body.” He growled, making you yelp softly as he pinned you against the side of the pool. You could feel his hard length pressed against your bump as he hiked your thighs around his waist and you scratched your nails down his back. “Is that what you want love?” He questioned, his fingers rubbing at your nipples. With the assistance of the water, he was able to hold you in place with just his body, leaving his hands free to explore and pleasure. “Hmm?” He hummed when you didn’t answer him right away. 

“God yes.” You breathed. “Always want you.” 

“That’s my girl.” Jon preened, slowing his touch down as he kissed you deeply. For a few minutes, you stayed just like that, Jon’s hands caressing your sensitive breasts, his hips pinning you against the pool wall, his tongue delving into your mouth as he kissed you. It wasn’t until you whined softly that he pulled away, a soft smile on his face. “You ready for me?” He questioned, his fingers slipping down to your core, finding the wetness that had been growing since you arrived back from dinner. “Yeah, you are.” He smirked, though he still waited for your whispered ‘please’ before lining himself up and gently pressing inside you. As your bump grew you were forced to seek out different angles, and the one Jon found this time as he used the water to rock against you might just be your favorite yet. 

“Jon…” You gasped, your hands shifting to rest against his chest. “That feels so good.” 

“You feel so good, love.” Jon insisted. “You always feel so good. Like you were made just for me.” In a way, you knew that you were and you pulled him close to kiss him again. Around you, you could hear the waves crashing on the beach, the sound of the night wildlife, and the splashing of the water from the pool as Jon thrust into you. The knowledge that you were out in the open, however private it really was, heightened every sensation and it wasn’t long before you were clenching down around him as your orgasm rolled through you. “Fuck.” Jon hissed and knowing he was close you tightened your walls around him again. 

“Wanna feel you.” You whined, your nails scraping over the back of his neck again. “Fill me up please.” Jon’s hips stuttered as he cursed in French in your ear. You felt warm and sticky as he spilled inside of you, the sensation pulling another small orgasm from you which caused you to shudder. Jon’s softening cock rested inside of you as you both worked to catch your breaths and you kissed along his shoulders. 

“Incredible.” He mumbled, his lips meeting yours as he gently slid out of you, hands falling to your waist as your hips finally shifted, sore from being locked in one position for so long. “It was never this good before you.” He admitted. 

“That’s because we just fit...in every way.” You replied, clinging to him until you felt some of the strength in your body return. “I never thought it could be this good so…” You added as you slowly moved to the pool stairs, your hand falling to your bump again. “Come to bed with me? You wore me out.” 

Jon nodded, quickly climbing out of the pool ahead of you so that by the time you were out he had a towel in hand to dry you off. After patting you dry, he kissed your forehead and opened the patio door for you. 

“Go use the bathroom and I’ll meet you in bed.” He agreed. When he made his way into the bedroom after cleaning up the trail of clothes you’d left outside, you were just pulling one of his t-shirts down over your body.

“This is why I didn’t bother packing you pajamas.” He mused, his eyes running over your body once more as he leaned against the partition. 

“Your shirts are comfy.” You shrugged. “Baby agrees.” You added as you pulled the covers down to climb into the comfy king-sized bed. “And we’d both like you to come cuddle us.” You added, smiling as Jon simply grabbed a clean pair of boxer briefs before doing just that, his solid arm pulling you close as he cuddled against you. It had been a long and exciting day and there was truly nothing better than falling asleep with the man you loved more than anything and your child growing inside you. 

____

The next two days of your vacation flew by way too fast. Overall, it was relaxing. You went to the spa, suntanned on the beach, relaxed in your little private pool, and had sex on practically every surface with your athlete boyfriend. By the time you had to climb on the plane to head back to Chicago, you were feeling tanner and your mind was completely sated. The trip was everything you didn’t know you needed and it was a necessary part of the whole relationship/baby balance you were trying to achieve with Jon. You felt closer to him in every way as you cuddled against him, making your way back to colder weather and real daily life. 

Rocking Chair: 

On the Way to the Doctor’s:

Hotel Suite: 

Vacation Wardrobe (as picked by Jon):

[fluffy-marshmallow-heart]

A Twist of Fate ch.31 -In Plain Sight

The Elementalists au

Beckett x MC (Oriana)

Words: 2512

Warnings: NSFW

Series Master List

Complete Master List

This AU is set after everyone graduates Penderghast, and Beckett and Oriana were never friends. Fate, however, may have a different plan for them.

  Beckett was officially at the lowest point in his life. He had cried himself to sleep on his couch the previous night. He couldn’t bring himself to go into the bedroom he’d shared with Oriana. In fact, now that she was gone, all he wanted to do was move out. He didn’t want to be reminded every second of every day of what he lost. He knows what he lost, and he knows he’ll never have it with anyone else.

He didn’t move the entire day. He didn’t sleep more, he didn’t eat, he didn’t drink anything. He ignored his friends’ texts. He tried calling Oriana’s phone again, and this time he received an automated message that her number was no longer in service. He hated himself for not being able to stop her darkness. He hated himself for letting her go. And he hated himself for waiting until it was too late to use the locator spell. All he’d done was respect her wishes, but now he was alone, with no hope at all.

He stared blankly at the tv, which wasn’t even on because he couldn’t stop his thoughts. He didn’t even want to. They were soulmates, they were connected in ways that couldn’t be explained. He could feel her love for him, could feel the way she longed for him. But she won’t go to him. She’s too afraid of hurting him again. If only she’d believe him when he says he’s not afraid of her. All he wants to do is be with her, and he’d do anything to get that back. He kept waiting for sleep, waiting for his own world to go dark…but sleep never came.

It was the same the following day. He hadn’t moved except to use the bathroom. As Sunday night rolled around, he let out a deep sigh, realizing he was supposed to work tomorrow. He wasn’t sure if he was actually going to go, he didn’t want to face anyone. But just in case…

I’m at least going to shower. Everything is always better after getting clean. My life may be a mess, but damn it, this I can control.

Stepping into the warm shower, his mind moved to how many times he’d made love to her in here, how many times he lathered soap suds all over her body and shampoo in her hair. He felt a stray tear slip down his face, and he washed it away angrily.

How could she do this? How could she do this to me? To herself? To us?

Feeling angry now, he finished up and stepped out of the shower, quickly towel drying himself and getting a good look at himself in the mirror. He’d lost weight, there were dark circles under his red rimmed eyes…He looked exactly the way he felt. The only thing missing from view was the giant hole where his heart had been, and where it had been ripped out by the love of his life.

He shook his head. Pull yourself together. You’re Beckett Harrington. You can handle this. You’ve never taken a sick day in your life, and you’re not going to start now.

Finally entering his bedroom, he tried to ignore the overwhelming loneliness of the quiet house. Not bothering with any clothing, he crawled into his bed, immediately rolling to Oriana’s side and smushing his face into her pillow to breathe in what was left of her scent. What he got though, was something hard and pointy.

What the hell??

He pulled back and finally saw it. He saw the one thing of Oriana’s that she’d left behind. He gingerly picked up the sparkling engagement ring, his heart thundering.

How didn’t I see this before?

He thought back to when he’d been searching for Oriana’s things…he’d searched the closets, dressers, the laundry, and under the bed…but he’d never looked at the bed. The ring wasn’t in a box, it had just been sitting on the pillow, blending in with the silver satin sheets. He hadn’t turned the lights on, nor had he slept in this room.

I’m such an idiot! I can’t believe it!! My answer has been right here, in plain sight, this whole time!!!

He was kicking himself for not being more thorough. Any other man would be devastated if their fiancé left her engagement band behind…but not Beckett. This is how he’ll find her. The ring was made specifically for her, ever since he went into the jewelry store, it had always belonged to her. This was better than any of her clothing or other jewelry. This ring was something that should have connected them for the rest of their lives. And it still could. He quickly said the spell…and immediately saw flashes of scenery! He was both crying and laughing at the same time as he hurriedly threw on whatever clothes were closest to him, ran down the stairs, out the door, and into his car. He drove slowly as to allow himself to feel the directions the ring was pulling him in…and finally arrived at a plain looking hotel. His heart beating frantically, the ring led him straight to a door. Beckett took a deep breath…and knocked. A minute later, the door slowly opened.

Oriana stood in the doorway, gaping at the man in front of her. “Beckett? What are you doing here? How are you here?”

“Can I come in?” He asked, his heart pounding.

She hesitated, then gave a slight nod, opening the door for him to slip through. He looked around the small space. “This is where you’ve been this whole time?”

“Why are you here?” She repeated, her face giving nothing away.

He turned back to face the girl he loves more than life itself. “I’m here for you. I’d like to bring you home.”

She stared at him a moment. “No…”

“Oriana, I love you. I love you so much. You are my sun, my moon, my stars, my entire universe. I love you. I don’t want to live without you. We belong together, you know we do. Stop shutting me out.”

She swallowed, hard. “I hurt you. I’m a danger to you.” She whispered.

Beckett shook his head vehemently. “That’s not true. I understand you’re scared. I understand you think you don’t deserve anything good, but you’re wrong.”

He took a step closer to her. She didn’t move. “Ori…I think you need me as much as I need you. I think you love me as much as I love you.” He paused a moment, shutting his eyes a brief second before reopening them and smiling warmly at her.

“I don’t think. I know you feel this way. I know you love me. I know you want to be with me.” He took another step.

“I feel you.” He added. “You can’t tell me that doesn’t mean something. I thought you were gone forever until…” He showed her the engagement ring. “You left this behind. But it’s yours, it’s always been yours. The connection of this ring? It’s stronger than anything. It led me straight to you.”

He could see the tears welling in her eyes, watched her take a shuddery breath. “You weren’t supposed to use the locator spell.” She whispered.

He was about to speak again when he heard something. A fast bumping sound. He furrowed his eyebrows.

“What’s that noise?”

She looked at him in confusion. “What noise?”

“That thumping. You don’t hear that? It’s muffled, but it’s there.”

She shook her head slowly. “I don’t hear anything.”

He stood perfectly still a minute but didn’t hear anything more. Maybe he imagined it…but then a small wave of nausea rolled over him. Realization dawned on him. His widened eyes dropped to her stomach. “You haven’t been feeling well.”

“No, I have this weird stomach bug I can’t seem to shake. It’s really sucked all my energy out. I’ve never felt so…weak and tired.” She grimaced. “But you’ve been sick too, we probably both caught it at the same time.”

Beckett shook his head. “No…no, I’m…I’m not sick, Ori, but…neither are you. Wow, it never occurred to me that…” He swallowed hard.

“You’re not weak.” He murmured, closing the distance and placing one hand on her stomach and the other around her waist.

She frowned. “What, are you trying to cure me? I’m fine.”

He looked back into her eyes. She doesn’t even know. How can I tell if she can’t?

“Why are you looking at me like that?” She asked.

Beckett answered by kissing her, wrapping her fully in his arms. She stiffened at first…but then melted into it. Their lips and tongues danced, and he picked her up, carrying her to the bed. Setting her down, he quickly pulled off her shirt, noticing for the first time it was actually his shirt. She unzipped his maroon hoodie, pushing it off his shoulders before grabbing the hem of his grey t-shirt and pulling it off. His breath caught in his throat as she unbuckled his belt, sliding his jeans and briefs down over his hips, kissing him like she needed his kisses to survive.

He worked his pants off before removing hers as she pulled him on top of her. “I missed you.” He gasped, already completely breathless. Oriana didn’t say a word, just positioned him so his tip was pressing against her hole, giving a nod before he went any further, He pressed slowly inside her tightness, basking in the warm silkiness of her wrapped around his cock.

“Oh, god, Ori…you feel incredible. Oh god, I missed this so much.” He grunted as picked up the pace, thrusting inside her again and again, trailing kisses along her neck, jaw, and lips, watching her intently as she bucked her hips to meet his rhythm, the pressure building between them until they finally exploded together, her slick juices coating his cock as his hot seed spread in her abdomen. The biggest turn on of his life was knowing that at some point, he’d already impregnated her. She had his baby in her stomach, and he couldn’t wait to meet the newest addition to their family, even just by ultrasound. They panted, coming down from their joined high, Beckett planting more kisses on her lips, her cheeks, her nose, her forehead…then moved south, kissing her chest, her breasts, the space between her breasts, and she moaned quietly as he did. But he’d finally arrived at his destination…her stomach. His kissed her skin there so tenderly before pressing his cheek against it, wanting desperately to feel their child, but knowing it was far too soon. He had no idea how he’d heard that heartbeat for just that second…but a second was all it took.

“Beckett.” Oriana said softly. “You’re amazing, and I miss you, and this was incredible but…” She trailed off uncertainly.

He pulled himself back up, so he could meet her eyes again. “Ori, I didn’t come here to make love to you. I came here because I love you. And I’m not leaving unless you come with me. If you want to stay here, then I’m staying too. You don’t get to decide what’s best for me. Besides, you should know that you’re what’s best for me. I came here because I’m going to put your engagement ring back on your finger.”

She opened her mouth to speak, but he shook his head, cutting her off. “When you opened that door, I fell in love with you all over again, and as we talked I realized why you’ve been so sick.”

She gave him a strange look, and he bit his lip, trying to figure out how to word it that wouldn’t make her run.

“You really don’t know why?” He asked slowly, testing the waters.

“I assumed it was you.” She responded. “It comes and goes, I figured it was just the connection wavering at times…” She paused, thinking, before a small gasp escaped her. “Oh, my god. No, that…no that can’t be, I’m on birth control, there’s no way you could’ve…could you? Could I be…?”

Oriana’s hand flew to her mouth in shock, her other one moving to her belly.

“We’re pregnant.” Beckett whispered with a grin. He was hoping for a smile back, but instead she frowned, pushing him away and sitting up.

“You want me back because you think I’m pregnant.” She stated, her expression turning hard. “You would stay here because you think this child is yours and it will bring us together? It’s not because you love me. You love this…this thing inside me. If it’s even there! I’ve been under a lot of stress, Beckett, I’m sure I’m not actually pregnant. I made myself think I was pregnant before and it was the worst thing that ever happened to me!”

Beckett tried to cup her face in his hands, but she shook out of them angrily. “That’s why you wanted to find me. You think I’m pregnant.”

His eyes widened. “What? How can you even say that? First of all, I don’t think, I know. But I didn’t know until I was already here. It had never occurred to me that’s why I was feeling randomly ill!”

She rolled her eyes, turning away, but Beckett grabbed her hand and held it to his chest. “Oriana…you know that isn’t true. You can feel my love for you. This past week has been hell on earth, and this? My heart? It’s broken without you.”

He brought her hand back down, taking the other one in his other hand, turning them both lightly over and rubbing her wrists with his thumbs.

“You used to have scars here. They disappeared when I kissed them that night, the first night we made love. You said only pure and true love could do that, you made it that way because you thought no one ever loved you. You said I must have loved you a long time if I was able to do that.”

A tear trickled down her face as she looked away.

“So do you see Ori, why your accusation that I’m only here for the baby doesn’t quite make sense.” He gently wiped her tears away.

“I want you and I love you. But I want and love this child too. Our child. The child we made out of unconditional love. You’re going to be the best mother, and I’m honestly so excited to witness it.”

He could feel her resolve to be angry and distant break as Oriana sniffled and laughed lightly. “God, you’re such a sap.”

He grinned. “But I’m your sap.”

“Yes.” She nodded. “Yes, you are my sap.”

“Come home.” He urged.

Oriana took a shuddery breath. “On one condition. You put that ring back on my finger.”

Beckett grabbed the diamond ring from where he’d set it down, then sank to his knees in front of her. “Oriana Miller, will you still marry me?”

“We’re naked.”

“Ori!” He laughed.

She shrugged, her eyes watery, her face lit up and eyes golden. “Absolutely.”

  @annekebbphotography @gardeningourmet @zigortega4life @eileendannie @thequeenofcronuts @drakewalkerfantasy @friedherringclodthing @coffeebeandragon @drakewalker04 @jlpplays1 @desiree-0816 @alesana45 @mfackenthal

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[cristinablackthornkingson]

Shadowhunters Short Story #55. Toddler Mina Carstairs feat. Big Sister Mina.

It is a cool September afternoon in Devon 2015, a year and a half after Mina Carstairs was born, when Tessa Carstairs receives one of the biggest shocks of her life.

Over the past couple of weeks Tessa has been feeling odd, her main symptoms are getting light-headed and having dizzy spells, and while at first she wasn’t worried, after the symptoms did not ease after a few weeks, she decided to have Catarina book her in at the local hospital, where she now works part time, while teaching at The Scholomonce the other half of the time. Jem had wanted to come with her today but Tessa insisted there was no need and that he should stay at home with Kit and Mina so they wouldn’t have to ask Emma to come to Devon to watch Mina and keep an eye on Kit. Though Kit is almost 16, Tessa and Jem are extremely protective of him and are reluctant to leave him home alone, especially with Mina, not because they don’t trust him but because he is still vulnerable and probably still being hunted by someone from Faerie, even if The Riders are gone, there are others who want to get their hands on the lost heir.

So just half an hour ago Tessa had left Jem tutoring Kit on Shadowhunter history while Mina played with her toys, at their feet.

When she had told Catarina about her symptoms, the first thing Catarina wanted to do was a blood test, suspecting that her friend was simply low on iron, which can easily happen after having a baby. Thankfully it would only take a few hours or less for Tessa to get the blood test results back, and since she was Catarina’s last client for the day, she stayed in the hospital with her friend, helping her to clean up the exam room and set up for tomorrow.

“Is Mina walking yet? She was very close to it last time I visited.” Catarina asks her friend, as they change the paper on the exam bed.

“Not entirely, she’ll take a few steps on her own but then she seems to get scared and just plop back down, she’ll walk a good bit holding Jem, Kit or I’s hand and she loves to cruise along the couch but she’s not so keen on doing it on her own.” Tessa says in an amused tone, picturing her little Mina clutching tightly to her big brother’s fingers as he helps her walk across the room or down the driveway to collect the post.

“My Ephraim was the same, he didn’t walk on his own until he was 18 months, anytime I let go while he was walking while holding my hand, he would just fall down and start crawling again, they certainly know how to get what they want.” Catarina lightly says, still able to picture her son’s tiny little hand in hers, wobbling alongside her as they walked through the town.

“That they certainly do, Mina has Jem and Kit wrapped around her little finger, if she so much as coughs during the night, both of them are at her side in a minute flat.” Tessa laughs, knowing that Mina knows full well if she makes even the smallest noise, her daddy and brother will come rushing to her and give her whatever she wants.

An hour after Catarina sent Tessa’s blood sample to the lab, she goes to pick up her results and comes back with a look on her face that says she knows something.

“What? What’s that look for?” Tessa suspiciously asks, hoping that all is normal with her results.

“Has your cycle gone back to normal since having Mina?” Catarina asks, shutting the door behind her and sitting beside her friend.

“Not entirely, why?” Tessa asks in a confused tone.

“Oh it just explains why you didn’t figure this out sooner.” Catarina nonchalantly says, lightly shrugging her shoulders as she scans the clipboard with Tessa’s results on them.

“Figure what out? What are you talking about Cat?” Tessa asks, close to frustration. 

“You’re pregnant.” A wave of shock washes over Tessa, she can hardly believe her ears. Like they had before Tessa got pregnant with Mina, she and Jem agreed that they weren’t going to try and prevent a pregnancy, but they weren’t going to actively try for a baby either, but they so rarely had the chance to be intimate anymore, with Mina between them most nights and both of them being extremely busy during the day, it had been at least 2 months since they had slept together, and Tessa had felt non of the symptoms she had with Mina.

“But it’s been months I... I didn’t think it would happen so soon.” Tessa quietly says, still in shock.

“2 months I’m guessing, since that’s how far along you are, and there is one more thing you ought to know.” Catarina says, looking at the results on her chart.

“W-what is it?” Tessa weakly asks.

“Your HCG levels are very high, which gives me reason to believe you’re having twins.” Catarina softly says. Tessa feels as if she may pass out from shock. Finding out she is pregnant was one thing, but finding out it’s twins is something else entirely.

“A-Are you sure?” She breathlessly asks.

“Well I’ll need to do an ultrasound to be sure but I don’t see why else your HCG levels would be so high.” Catarina explains.

“Can... can we do the ultrasound now?” Tessa weakly asks, needing to know for a fact if she is having twins or not.

Twenty minutes later, Tessa is trying to see as much of the screen of the ultrasound machine as she can, from her position on the exam bed, but she can’t make out much.

“There you have it, that’s Baby A, and that’s Baby B, everything looks perfect with all three of you.” Catarina gently says, pointing out the two little blobs on the screen. Tessa starts to tear up when she sees her babies, the shock wearing off, her heart swelling with love for these two new babies that she will soon be able to hold and kiss and snuggle, she can hardly wait.

When she arrives home, she finds Kit sitting on the sofa with Mina in his lap, her attention fixed on the T.V. where The Book Thief movie is playing.

“Read that book.” Tessa lightly says, standing behind the sofa Kit is sat on, leaning down to kiss Mina and ruffle Kit’s hair. Kit grins up at her in delight and instantly shoots back

“Saw that movie.”

“I have no idea what either of you are talking about.” Jem chimes in as he walks into the living room, grinning at his wife and children.

“Lies, I saw you reading the book last week!” Kit replies, as Mina reaches up for Jem to lift her.

“You caught me out, thanks to you, your old man is becoming quiet well versed in pop culture.” Jem lightly says, lifting Mina and settling her on his hip.

“Jem you still call every social media site ‘The Facebook’”. Kit laughs. Copying her brother as usual, Mina smiles widely, clumsily claps her hands in delight and giggles loudly, showing off the few teeth she has.

“Oh you think daddy’s ignorance is funny now too, do you? I don’t see you knowing how to work an iPhone either Mina mine.” Jem teases his daughter, lightly tickling her chest, causing her to shriek with laughter and wriggle away from him.

“Jem can I talk to you for a minute?” Tessa quietly asks her husband, laying a hand on his arm and smiling at he and Mina.

“Of course, you go back to your big brother Mina, Kit maybe you could put something a little more child friendly on?” Jem lightly asks, passing Mina back to Kit.

“If I have to watch one more episode of Peppa Pig I’m going to loose it, how about we facetime Clary and Jace instead Min-Min?” Kit says, holding his sister with one arm and fishing his phone from his pocket with the other.

“Ace!” Mina exclaims in delight. Being only one and a half, Mina hasn’t mastered talking yet and can’t pronounce ‘J’ or a lot of other letters, which has led to some rather adorable nicknames. She calls Jace ‘Ace’, Simon ‘Imon’ Emma ‘Memma’ and Julian ‘Ules’.

As Kit and Mina wait for Clary and Jace to pick up, Tessa and Jem head into the kitchen, which is just opposite the living room.

“How did everything go at the hospital?” Jem asks, leaning back against the kitchen table. Tessa slips one of the ultrasound pictures from her pocket, that Catarina had printed out for her, and passes it to Jem.

“Do you know what this is?” She asks, watching Jem screw up his face in confusion.

“Something Mina painted with Julian?” He guesses, not able to decipher any particular shapes or images, just seeing a mass of blurry black and white.  Tessa laughs and shakes her head.

“No James, you’re going to find that hilarious when I tell you what it actually is.”

“Then what is it?”  Tessa beams up at Jem, takes his free hand and presses it to her stomach.

“Its an ultrasound, I’m pregnant.” Jem’s face immediately lights up with delight, before he pulls his wife closer to him, hugging her tightly and laughing with joy.

“Really? So this is a picture of our baby?” He eagerly asks, pulling back and looking at the image in his hand, now trying to make out their baby.

“Actually, it’s a picture of our babies.” Tessa softly says. It takes Jem a moment to register what Tessa has said, but when he does, his eyes widen in disbelief.

“Babies? Twins?” He asks in a breathy tone. Tessa laughs lightly as she laces her arms around the back of his neck and nods.

“That’s right, twins.” Jem shakes his head in disbelief, though unable to wipe the smile from his face.

“Oh my god, oh my god we’re going to have four kids, three of them under three, I’m going to be a dad of four!” Jem says in a tone of shock and disbelief. Tessa laughs and leans in to kiss his cheek.

“Yes you are, lets go tell the other two shall we?” Jem grins broadly and nods, taking Tessa’s hand in his as they walk back out into the living room, where Mina is sitting in Kit’s lap, facing him, smiling and giggling as she listens to him tell her stories about when she was a baby, like the time he tripped over her blanket and almost dropped her and then cursed in front of her.

“Reminds me of when Lucie would crawl into James’ bed in the middle of the night when they were little, and tell him stories to help him fall asleep.” Tessa softly and quietly says to Jem, remembering the mornings when she would go to wake her daughter only to find her bed empty, and Lucie snuggled up next to her big brother in his bed.

“Kit and Mina have just as special of bond as James and Lucie did, I remember coming to give Lucie her three week check up and James was lying on a blanket on the floor by her bassinet, when I asked him what he was doing, he told me he was protecting his sister.” Jem replies, his heart aching for James and Lucie, the first two children he ever loved and who will always hold a special place in his heart. They are as much his children as they are Will and Tessa’s and Mina and Kit are as much Will’s children as they are Tessa and Jem’s.

“Ugh they’re so soppy aren’t they Mina?” Kit teases, grinning at his parents as he holds Mina up and blows a raspberry on her cheek, which makes her scream with laughter.

“Mina you are going to burst somebody’s eardrum with your squeals, is this an indication that we have a little soprano on our hands hm? Are you going to be a musician like daddy?” Tessa coos, taking a seat next to Kit and kissing her daughter’s cheek.

“Of course she is, and a bookworm like her mummy and big brother James, and a writer like her sister, and probably a painter too if Julian and Clary have anything to do with it, and how could I forget that this one here will probably have her picking locks before her second birthday.”Jem jokingly says, ruffling Kit’s hair as he takes a seat next to his wife and children.

“She can already climb out of her crib. I wonder who taught her that?” Tessa teasingly says, taking Mina from Kit when she reaches for her.

“Actually I think that was Anna.” Kit says, settling back against the couch cushions, referring to Magnus and Alec’s two year old daughter who they adopted at a few months old, just after Mina was born. 

“And I’m sure you’re teaching her how to be a good big sibling.” Tessa softly says. Just a few weeks ago Magnus and Alec had adopted a little Shadowhunter boy they named Henry, and his siblings are infatuated with him, especially his sister.

“What would you think about having another sibling Kit?” Jem carefully asks, stopping Mina from climbing up on to the back of the sofa.

“I wouldn’t mind, I think Mina would be a great big sister, but I don’t think she’d like having to share our attention, especially not mine.” Kit grins, loving how attached Mina is to him and how close they are.

“What about having two new siblings?” Tessa asks. She is not sure how she and Jem should go about telling their teenager that she’s pregnant, Jamie wasn’t even a year old when Tessa had gotten pregnant with Lucie, and when Tessa was pregnant with Mina she and Jem assumed Emma had told Kit about her, so didn’t make a point of specifically telling him, when they offered for him to move in with them.

Kit laughs and says

“You guys are getting ahead of yourselves aren’t you? What, are we going to be like The Von Trapp family?” Tessa smiles weakly and says

“Haven’t read that book because there is no book version, but I have read the movie script.” Kit smiles and shakes his head.

“Of course you did, you would read the back of food cartons for fun.” He teases.

“Your mother could write a book about her life and with all the books she’s read she’d be able to do it in her sleep.” Jem says, putting an arm around his wife.

“You could, and should, it would be a hit! You could write the first book about your life in London and about how you met Jem and Will and stuff and then you and Magnus and Catarina and Ragnor could write a sequel about your life after all that, then you could write a third book in a few years when Mina and I are older and have given you a few more gray hairs.” Tessa smiles at her son, her heart warming at his enthusiasm for her to write a book, and his belief in her.

“I could but it’s going to have to wait a while if I want to start this year, I don’t fancy trying to write and edit a book while pregnant with twins.” Tessa tells him, her hand coming to rest on her stomach. Kit’s eyes widen and he sits up straight, looking from Tessa to Jem in disbelief.

“Woah woah woah back up, is this why you were asking me all those questions about having another sibling? You’re really pregnant? With twins?” He asks in a shocked tone. Tessa nods and says

“Yes I am, that’s why I’ve been feeling off lately, dizzy spells are a symptom I always get when pregnant, but I never get it this early so that’s why I didn’t realize until I got the blood test results back this afternoon.”

“Damn, you guys really don’t mess about, Mina’s not even two yet and you’re going to have two more, and James was one when Lucie was born, you must love having kids with a small age gap.” Kit says, his heart fluttering with excitement at the idea of being a big brother again.

“Well actually this last year and a half we’ve both come to realize we really enjoy having a bigger age gap between our kids, we were thinking of waiting until Mina is at least three if not four, before we had another, but that just wasn’t meant to be it seems, and now we’re going to have three under three, which is quiet daunting.” Jem says in a nervous tone. He and Tessa will have to speak to Magnus and Alec, last year they adopted Anna and then just a few weeks ago they adopted Henry, they have 4 kids under 7, they’ll be able to give them some good advice on how to cope with all the little ones they’re about to have in their house.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be here to help out all the time, and I’m sure Emma is going to practically move in when the babies are born, like she did when Mina was born, and Min-Min is going to be a great big sister, she’ll love the babies so much, you guys aren’t going to be on your own, I’m always going to be around to help out with my siblings, weather the twins are the last or you have 10 more, being a big brother is the best thing I’ve ever done and I’ll never stop loving it.” Tears well in Tessa’s eyes at Kit’s heartfelt promise and they soon start to trickle down her face. Jem, knowing how emotional his wife gets in early pregnancy, pulls her closer, kisses her cheek and rubs her back.

“It’s alright love, don’t worry about getting upset in front of Mina, she needs to know it’s okay to be upset and cry sometimes, right?” Jem softly and quietly says.

“Tessa are you okay? Did I say something to upset you?” Kit asks in an anxious tone.

“Oh no, no baby you didn’t upset me, I’m not upset at all, these are happy tears, I’m so happy to have you and I feel so honored to get to raise you and love you, you’re such an amazing young man and I just could not be more proud of you.” Tessa quietly says, wiping at her tears.

“Stop it you’re going to make me feel things too, I hate feeling things.” Kit jokes, holding back his own tears of joy, taking Mina from Jem and holding her in front of him so no one can see if he does start to cry.

“What do you think Mina mine, are you excited to be a big sister?” Jem asks, running his hand over Mina’s dark curls. Mina nods enthusiastically, gripping onto Kit’s shirt tightly. Kit kisses Mina’s cheek and jokingly says

“Two more of you huh? How am I going to cope?” Mina giggles loudly and pats Kit’s face with one hand, reaching up to grab a handful of hair with the other, causing her brother to hiss in pain and try to untangle her hand. “Ah Mina let go, you’re going to rip my hair out, if I have to show up to my date with Ty bald, I’m going to blame you, you’ll have to explain to him why his boyfriend is balding at sixteen.” Kit teases, tickling Mina’s stomach, making her release his hair and squirm away.

“You won’t tell Ty or anyone else about the twins just yet will you? It’s still early and we want to be sure everything is okay.” Tessa quietly asks.

“No of course not, believe me, I love you guys but the last thing I’m going to discuss on my date, is your pregnancy.” Tessa smiles and leans over to kiss her son on the cheek. 

“You’re such a sweet boy.” She softly says, causing Kit to blush furiously. 

“I am not, I am a tough, moody, sarcastic, angsty man.” Kit firmly says. 

“It’s like living with a blonde, American Will.” Jem says to Tessa. 

“Will says he always thought he’d look good as a blonde but Tess told him if he dared to dye his hair blonde she’d leave him.” Kit says, passing on the message Will’s ghost (who often hangs around to see Mina, who can see him) had given him. 

“I most certainly did, and James and Lucie said they would disown him, as did Cecily. James was ready to ask Henry to adopt him, as was Lucie.” Tessa says with a smile. “I better go call Magnus and tell him he’s going to be an Uncle again.” Tessa then adds, getting to her feet and heading upstairs, leaving her boys and baby girl to have some quality time together. 

The next few months are hectic for The Carstairs’, Tessa’s pregnancy is not as smooth and easy as it had been when she was pregnant with Mina. This time she has many more aches and pains and is much more uncomfortable, when she was pregnant with Mina she nursed Shadowhunters and Downworlders who had fought against The Cohort and their allies in the Unseelie Court, this time around she can hardly get up the stairs and dress Mina. Kit is an amazing help, always willing to feed and dress Mina and play with her, while Jem tends to Tessa. 

On top of that, this last week, Mina has been sick with a cold and is being extremely clingy toward Jem and extra fussy, she’s off her food and finding it very difficult to sleep at night, Jem is usually up walking the floor with her at all hours, while Tessa lies awake with hip pain, wishing she could do more to help her daughter feel better.

Right now, Jem is lying on his and Tessa’s bed, with Mina curled up on his chest, sucking her thumb and dozing in and out of sleep. Jem’s heart is breaking into pieces, seeing his daughter so unwell and miserable, he would do anything to make her feel better, which is why he’s more than willing to get up with her at all hours of the night, he never thought he’d get to be a father, his Mina is his little miracle and he will forever be grateful for her and do anything he can for her.

“Daddy.” Mina quietly whines, snuggling further into Jem, wiping her nose on his shirt. 

“Daddy’s here Mina mine, it’s alright.” Jem softly says, rubbing her back gently. 

“Story?” Mina hopefully asks, looking up at Jem and batting her long dark lashes at him. Mina loves to listen to her mummy and daddy tell her stories about her brother and sister, about her aunties and uncles and about her cousins, she specifically loves hearing stories about her daddy and Uncle Will and how her Uncle Will would always do silly things to summon her daddy when he was a Silent Brother. 

“What story would you like to hear?” Jem asks. Mina contemplates this for a moment, before saying

“Ucie.” Jem smiles at Mina’s adorable mispronunciation of her sister’s name and starts into a story about some of the mischief Lucie had gotten into when she was young.

A few days later Mina is feeling much better and is back to her normal self, much to everyone’s relief. Tessa, however, is still feeling pretty awful and has started getting some bad headaches as well as all her other aches and pains. She is 36 weeks this week and has an appointment with Catarina today. Normally Tessa drives herself to her appointments while Jem stays home with the kids, however these last few weeks, Tessa has not been able to fit her bump behind the wheel, so Jem is going to drive her, then do some shopping with Mina and Kit, go home for a while and pick Tessa up when she’s finished at the hospital. 

“Are you sure you don’t want me to wait in the car for you?” Jem asks Tessa, as they walk out to the car where Kit is already strapping Mina into her car seat. 

“I’m sure, you know how much Mina hates being in the car, I could be hours here and she won’t tolerate being in the car longer than 20 minutes, I’ll be with Catarina, I’ll be just fine.” Tessa assures her husband in a soft tone, as he helps her into the car. 

“How come you have an appointment every week now Tess? You didn’t have this many with Mina.” Kit curiously asks, as Tessa tries to fit the seat belt around her swollen stomach.

“Well because things can be more complicated with twins, this pregnancy is high-risk because of the complications I had early on and because it’s twins, with multiples the chances of premature birth and complication are much higher, so now that it’s drawing closer to my due date, it’s essential to keep a closer eye on them.” Tessa explains, as Jem pulls out of the drive. 

“Oh, oh you know Helen had the baby? Dru text me this morning.” Kit says, having just read the text from Dru telling him that Helen and Aline’s baby had been born last night, healthy and full term. 

“Boy or girl?” Jem asks, looking at his son in the rear view mirror.

“Girl, Delilah Eloise Pennhallow-Blackthorn.” Kit tells them, while quickly typing out a reply to Dru. 

“Her that Mina? You’ve got a new cousin.” Tessa says in an excited tone, turning around to smile at Mina, who claps her hands clumsily and smiles widely. 

Half an hour later, Tessa is sitting in the exam room with Catarina, listing off the symptoms she’s been having since she last saw her.

“I have to say I’ve been feeling quiet awful these last few weeks, this week specifically I’ve been dizzy and getting awful headaches, and my ankles are so swollen I can hardly fit into my shoes anymore.” Tessa tells Catarina, running a hand down her stomach. Catarina looks at Tessa with eyes full of concern and says 

“That’s not good Tess, surely you know that?” 

“It’s not great but it’s not awful.” Tessa nonchalantly says. 

“Tessa you worked as a midwife for years, surely you know that all these symptoms your having are all warning signs of preeclampsia?” Catarina softly asks, not wanting to frighten her friend but needing her to realize how serious this is. Tessa’s eyes widen and fill with fear and dread. 

“Oh my god, I-I forgot, it’s been so long and I’ve constantly been comparing these symptoms to the symptoms I had the last three times, I had headaches with Mina and dizzy spells with Lucie and my ankles were swollen with all three.” She quietly says. 

“Lets check your blood pressure and do a urine test, those two things will tell us for sure.” Catarina gently says, squeezing her friend’s hand encouragingly. 

Twenty minutes later, Jem and Kit are walking through Aldi with Mina sitting in the trolley, taking in her surroundings. They’ve only been here about 20 minutes  and already they’ve been stopped multiple times by people admiring Mina. 

“Do you need anything in particular Kit?” Jem asks, as they walk through the aisles of the shop. 

“A good night’s sleep would be great.” Kit says in a flat tone. Jem chuckles and says 

“I’m afraid they don’t sell those, anything that you can buy that you need?” Kit shakes his head.

“Nope, is it okay if I go to LA later to see Ty and meet the new baby? Magnus said he’ll open a portal for me, so Tessa won’t have to ware herself out doing it.” Kit asks. 

“Of course. Do you think your mother already has this book or should we get it for her?” Jem asks, picking up a mystery novel that’s on sale for £5. 

“Even if she already has it she’ll be more than happy to have a second copy, I can’t count how many copies of A Tale Of Two Cities she has.” Kit says, picking Mina’s dummy up from where she dropped it on the floor.

“Good point.” Jem says, adding the book to the trolley. Just then he feels a vibrating in his pocket, his phone going off. He fishes his phone out and quickly answers it, not looking at the caller ID. 

“Hello?” He answers, as Kit takes over the trolley for him. 

“Jem, its me.” Tessa’s voice comes through the line. 

“Oh are you finished? Kit, Mina and I are almost done shopping, we keep getting stopped by people admiring Mina, our daughter just gets more and more popular, we should be there in about 20 minutes.” Jem calmly says, having not noticed the wobble in Tessa’s tone when she answered.

“No, James listen to me. You know how I’ve been having headaches and dizzy spells and my ankles have been swollen?” Tessa asks, trying to keep her voice steady. 

“Yes.” Jem says, not sure where she’s going with this. Tessa sniffles and says

“Well um.. turns out those were symptoms of preeclampsia, which I have. Catarina contacted the London Institute had them send for a Silent Brother, and in Brother Enoch and Catarina’s opinion the best thing to do is induce me, and that’s not all. Baby A is breech, they might have to do a C-section.” Jem almost drops the phone in shock, he feels as if his world is about to come crashing down at any minute. His wife is seriously ill, she may have to have major surgery and they’re going to have two premature babies. 

“I’ll be right there.” Jem firmly says, before hanging up and turning back to Kit, who is looking at him with eyes full of worry. 

“Is everything okay?” He quietly asks. Jem shakes his head and runs a hand through his hair.

“Tessa has preeclampsia, it’s extremely dangerous and could kill her and the babies, Brother Enoch and Catarina are going to induce her, but one of the babies is breech so she might need to have a C-section.” Jem explains as calmly as he possibly can. “I need to get to her, on the way to the hospital can you text or call Emma and ask her to come to Devon to stay with you and Mina at home? I don’t know how long your mother and I will be staying in the hospital, especially since the twins are a month premature.” Kit nods and quickly unbuckles Mina from the trolley, lifts her into his arms and follows Jem out to the car.

40 minutes after arriving at the hospital, after changing into a hospital gown and being assigned a room, Tessa begins to feel contractions, as if her body knows how essential it is to get these babies out soon. The contractions are slow and far apart, but very painful. 

As Tessa lies on her side in the hospital bed, gripping the handle that stretches from the side to the head of the bed as a contraction tears through her, she hears fast approaching footsteps, followed by Jem’s voice. 

“Tess! By The Angel, are you okay?”He asks, dropping to his knees beside her and clasping her hand in his. 

“As okay as I can be.” Tessa says in a taut tone, scrunching her face up in pain. “Where are Kit and Mina?” She asks, once the pain has passed. 

“In the waiting room, but Magnus is opening a portal for Emma, she’s just packing a bag, she’s agreed to stay and watch Mina and Kit for as long as we need, she’s going to portal here and drive the kids home in our car.” Jem calmly explains, smoothing Tessa’s hair back. “What’s going to happen?” He adds. 

“C-Catarina and Brother Enoch think it’s best that they’re the ones who handle this the rest of the way, t-they’re willing to let me try and have a natural birth b-but they think it’s best we go to the OR anyway, that way if I do need an e-emergency C-section, they can do it faster and get the babies out as soon as possible.” Jem nods his understanding and agreement and asks 

“Have they induced you yet?” Tessa shakes her head. 

“I-I went into labor on my own, my waters haven’t broken but I’ve been having steady contractions for a while now.” Jem bends to kiss his wife’s forehead and softly says 

“It’ll be alright, I won’t let anything happen to the three of you.” 

Over the next few hours, both Tessa and the babies are constantly monitored and checked on frequently by Catarina and Brother Enoch. Catarina has arranged for a few people from NICU and pediatrics to be at the birth too, just in case the babies need to be taken straight to NICU or anything like that.

After 6 hours of grueling labor, Tessa is ready to give birth. Her bed is wheeled into the OR, and while Jem scrubs up, Catarina helps her onto the table and to get comfortable. When Jem comes in wearing green scrubs, a surgical mask and a surgical cap, Tessa can’t help but laugh and pull him in for a kiss. 

“You look adorable.” She giggles. Jem smiles and pecks her cheek. “So do you, and so will our babies.” He slips his hand into hers and squeezes it lightly. 

A few minutes later, Tessa begins to push. She only pushes for about 20 minutes, before Baby A makes their way into the world, feet first. The baby immediately starts to cry, and is whisked away by an assisting nurse, to be weighed and checked over. 

“Oh are they okay?”  Tessa asks, straining to get a glimpse of her baby. 

“It seems so, you have a girl Tessa.” Catarina softly says.

“Mina’s going to be thrilled.” Jem quietly says, stroking Tessa’s hair back from her face. The odd time Mina has shown an interest in having new siblings, she has made it very clear she wants at least one of them to be a girl. 

10 minutes later, after another round of pushing, Baby B enters the world, kicking and screaming. 

“Well this little one certainly has a good pair of lungs!” Catarina laughs, handing the baby over to the assisting nurse, to check them over. 

“Boy or girl?” Jem excitedly asks. Catarina grins and says 

“A girl, two beautiful, healthy little girls.” Tessa laughs lightly and quietly says

“Kit is going to be so thrilled that he’s still the only boy.” 

“And Mina is going to be so happy that both babies are girls. I can’t believe we have three daughters, you did amazingly today Tess, you’re like a superhero from those movies Kit likes.” Jem softly says, focusing all his attention on his amazing wife, who just a few hours ago was diagnosed with one of the most terrifying aliments, and then went on to deliver twins, one of which was breach. 

“Are the babies okay? Do they need to go to the NICU?” Tessa asks in a tired voice, hardly able to keep her eyes open but desperate to see and meet her babies. 

“Both girls are very healthy, Baby A is 5 pounds 10 ounces and Baby B is 5 pounds 8 ounces, we’ll need to take them for some tests later but for now you should have some quality time with them, they don’t need to go to NICU so they can go back to your room with you.” Catarina informs Tessa, causing a wave of relief to wash over her, and all the stress she had been feeling since she was diagnosed that morning, lifts from her. 

Just half an hour later, Tessa and the babies are back in the hospital room where Tessa had labored, both babies are snuggled up inside Tessa’s gown, happy and content as can be. 

“You’re one happy mama aren’t you?” Jem quietly asks his wife, gazing at her and their babies in awe. Tessa smiles softly and nods. 

“Of course I am, I have my babies at last.” 

“Do you still like the two girls names we chose before they were born?” Jem softly asks, stroking Baby A’s dark tufts of hair. Tessa nods and quietly says 

“Jade Ai Ke Carstairs for Baby A, and Charlotte An Ke Carstairs for Baby B.” Jem grins and leans down to softly kiss each of his daughters on the forehead. “I should let Emma know these two are here safe and sound, she and Kit are probably worrying themselves silly.” Jem says, picking up his phone from the tray beside Tessa’s bed. 

At The Carstairs’ home in Devon, Emma is sitting on the floor with Mina in her lap, trying to distract herself from worrying about Tessa and the babies by face timing Cristina and Mark (Kieran is in Faerie) who Mina adores. Meanwhile Kit is on the sofa on his phone, probably texting Dru and Ty.

“Any news about Tessa and the babies, Em?” Cristina asks, having heard all about Tessa’s preeclampsia diagnoses from Emma, before she rushed off to Devon this morning.  

“Not yet, I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing or if Jem just forgot he has a phone, again and can contact me or Kit in a few seconds.” Emma replies in a weary tone. She adores Jem, but sometimes she despairs of his technological ignorance, she and Kit have tried everything to get him to use his phone but he keeps forgetting, he started writing out a birth announcement two years ago when Mina was born, before Tessa and Kit reminded him that they could just text everyone. 

“My mother had preeclampsia with Dru, she was born a couple weeks early too but everything was perfectly fine with both of them, I’m sure Tessa and her babies will be just fine too.” Mark gently reassures Emma. Just then Emma receives a text notification from Jem and her heart skips a beat. 

“I just got a text from Jem, I’ll call you guys back in a bit okay?” Emma quickly says, hanging up before either of her friends can answer her. When she opens the message the first thing she sees is a picture of Tessa lying in a hospital bed dressed in a hospital gown, which is open at the top. Inside the gown are two little bundles of pink and white, and Jem has captioned the image ‘Jade Ai Ke Carstairs and Charlotte An Ke Carstairs were born at 4:23 p.m and 4:30 p.m. this evening, Tessa did an amazing job and was able to deliver them naturally like she wanted, both babies and Tessa are doing perfect, I’ll call you tomorrow to arrange for Mina and Kit to come meet the girls, and you of course.’

 Emma immediately sets Mina down and quickly makes her way over to the sofa and hands her phone to Kit. Kit furrows his brow in confusion but then he quickly scans the message and a smile breaks out over his face.

“Oh thank god.” He quietly says, pulling the earphones from his ears. “Two more sisters, I’m gonna go broke spoiling these three.” Emma smiles and lightly shoves his shoulder. 

“How do you think my bank account is going to cope? I have Mina and the twins to buy for, and Delilah, and I can hardly forget The Lightwood-Bane kids and Stephen and Lucie.” She says, thinking of Clary and Jace’s 2 year old daughter Lucie and their 5 month old son Stephen. 

“And me, don’t forget me.” Kit teases, lifting Mina into his lap when she comes toddling up. 

“My gift to you is stopping Julian lecturing you about treating Ty right.” Emma smiles, knowing how worried and protective Julian is of his siblings. 

“Fair enough, hey Min-Min, you want to see a picture of your sisters?” Kit asks in an excited tone, lightly bouncing Mina in his lap. Mina’s eyes widen and she nods enthusiastically. Emma pulls the picture back up on her phone and holds it out for Mina to see. 

“Mama!” Mina exclaims in delight, pointing to Tessa in the picture, hardly noticing the babies. 

“Yeah that’s mama,and your sisters.”Emma softly says, running a hand over Mina’s silky dark hair. 

“Ove mama, Ove babies.” Mina says in a wistful tone, clearly missing her mama very much. This is the longest Tessa has been away from Mina since she was born, when Mina was smaller, Tessa would often tuck her into a sling or baby carrier and take her to The Spiral Labyrinth with her, where she was always met with love and adoration. Though now she’s older and walking and getting into everything, Tessa has opted not to take her to The Spiral Labyrinth when she has work, because if she takes an eye off her daughter for one second, Mina will have the place in chaos. 

“They love you too Min-Min.” Emma softly says. 

Later that evening, just as Emma has put Mina to bed and Kit is reading her a story, she gets a call from Jem. He gives her updates on Tessa and the babies and they arrange a time for she, Mina and Kit to come meet the babies tomorrow. Jem also tells her that he’ll be staying at the hospital with Tessa and the babies tonight, mundanes don’t usually allow it but Catarina has managed to persuade the Matron to allow Jem to stay just for tonight. 

Early the next morning, Emma wakens first, she has a shower then wakes Mina and goes downstairs to get breakfast for them both. An hour later Kit is just coming down, when Emma is strapping Mina into her stroller, ready to take her with her for a walk. 

“I’m going to take Mina with me on my walk, there’s pancakes on the stove and porridge in the microwave, I’ll have my phone so call me if you need me, we’re going to the hospital at 11 to see Tessa and meet the babies.” Emma informs Kit, checking that Mina is happy and secure in her stroller. Kit simply nods, still half asleep, not understanding how anyone can be this awake and chipper so early. 

While out on her walk, Emma decides to go the bakery Jem has taken Mina to all the time since she was born, and pick up some breakfast for he and Tessa, she can’t imagine hospital food is very nice, if it’s anything like the food served in The  Basilias, (Which is now located in New York, since The Shadowhunters no longer have access to Idris.)

When Emma steps into the bakery with Mina on her hip (The buggy was too bulky to fit inside the small shop so she left it outside) the two ladies working there, smile brightly at her. 

“Hello again little Mina! And Emma right? Jem’s sister?” The lady with the name tag that reads ‘Catherine’ asks. Emma smiles and nods as Mina claps her hands in delight. 

“Yeah that’s right, I see my niece is still a very popular little girl.” Emma lightly says, smiling at Mina. 

“So Jem tells us, he tells us he and his wife are constantly stopped by people fussing over Mina. Where is Jem today?” Catherine asks. 

“He’s at the hospital with Tessa- his wife- she just had twins last night, a month early so I’m watching Mina and Kit and I thought I’d come in here before we head to the hospital to see the babies, and pick up some breakfast for Jem and Tessa.” Emma explains. 

“Oh I knew it wouldn’t be long, the last time Tessa was in here she looked completely ready to have those babies, poor girl was in so much pain.” Catherine says in a sympathetic tone. 

“She was actually diagnosed with preeclampsia yesterday, that’s why the babies are early.” Emma says, shifting Mina in her arms as she starts to get cranky and fussy. 

“Oh that’s awful, are she and the babies alright?” The other lady asks. 

“Yeah thankfully all three are fine.” Emma says. 

“Would you like Jem’s usual order?” Catherine asks. Emma isn’t exactly sure what Jem’s usual is, and she hadn’t really though of what she was going to get for her and Tessa, she just knew Tessa wouldn’t want anything with chocolate, and Jem would probably be happy with anything, you could hand Jem a pile of dirt and he’d thank you.

“Sounds good.” Emma says. 

“So two girls, two boys or a boy and a girl?” Catherine asks in an excited tone, as the other lady bags up Emma’s order. 

“Two girls, Jade and Charlotte.” Emma replies.

“Oh how lovely! Are you excited to be a big sister Mina?” Catherine softly asks Mina, who has looped her arms around the back of Emma’s neck now. Mina smiles broadly and nods. 

“Here you are, and I put in another apple turnover for Tessa, she deserves it after giving birth to twins.” The other woman says, passing a brown paper bag to Emma, over the counter. 

“Thanks, she’ll appreciate that, I’ll just have to make sure Kit doesn’t get his hands on it first.” Emma jokes, holding out a 10 pound note. 

“Oh no, it’s on us, your brother and sister-in-law are so kind to us and such loyal customers.” The woman says in a kind tone. 

“Really?” Emma asks in surprise. 

“Absolutely, they’ve done so much for us, we’d like to do something for them.” The woman says. 

“That’s so kind of you, thank you. Can you say bye-bye Mina?” Emma coos, clutching the bag of pastries in one hand and holding Mina with the other.

“Here, something for our most adorable customer.” Catherine says, handing Mina a chocolate bun. Mina’s eyes light up and she immediately starts wolfing the bun down, and Emma has to hold back a sigh knowing how much of a mess Mina is going to make with that bun and how hyper the sugar will make her.

An hour later, Emma is walking through the halls of the local hospital with Kit at her side and Mina on her hip. 

“I hate the smell of hospitals.” Kit grumbles, as they walk toward the maternity ward. 

“It does smell awful in here, shouldn’t a hospital smell clean?” Emma asks. 

“It’s the food, whatever you do don’t eat the food here, I had my appendix out when I was 12 and was kept in for a few days, the food they gave me was the worst thing I have ever tasted and I swear it made me feel worse.” Kit says. shuddering at the memory. 

“The food they serve at the Basilias isn’t great either, I was there yesterday morning actually, before I came here, visiting Helen, Aline and Delilah, they need to work on their menu.” Emma says, as they turn the corner to the room Tessa is in. When they step into the room, they see there are two giant pink balloons in the corner by the window, as well as various pastel colored baskets scattered around the room, overflowing with baby stuff.

“Did you panic and buy the entire gift shop dad?” Kit teases, setting his backpack down and walking over to embrace Jem, who laughs lightly and pulls his son into a tight embrace.

“No this is Magnus’ doing, he arrived here first thing this morning with more gifts than we know what to do with.” Jem replies, taking Mina into his arms and holding her close, pulling Kit close with the other. “Oh my babies, I missed you two so much.” He softly says, kissing Mina’s cheek and ruffling Kit’s hair. 

“Jem you are so embarrassing!” Kit exclaims wriggling out of the embrace.

“That’s my job Christopher, you know that.” Jem jokingly says, embracing Emma tightly. “Thank you so much Emma, for looking after Mina and keeping an eye on Kit, it really put Tessa and I at ease, knowing that Mina and Kit were with family.” Emma smiles up at him and tells him 

“It was no problem, that’s what sisters are for. Where are Tessa and the babies?” The two plastic cribs by the side of the bed are empty and Tessa is nowhere to be seen. 

“The babies are having some tests done and Tessa’s in the shower, she should be done soon and the babies should be back soon.” Jem replies, holding Mina closely as Kit settles into a chair by the bed.  “Did the nice ladies at the bakery give you another treat Mina mine? We’ll have to clean that chocolate off your face before you can meet your sisters.” Jem says in amused tone, lightly tapping Mina on the nose causing her to giggle loudly and grab at his hand. 

“I tried to get it all off but she wouldn’t stay still long enough.” Emma says, while rooting through her bag for the pastries she got for Jem and Tessa. “I got these for you and Tess too, the ladies at the bakery gave them to me for free.” Emma holds the brown paper bag out to Jem.

“That was so thoughtful of you Em, thank you, is it thanks to Mina you got them for free? I swear every shop we go into, someone always gives us something for free because of how adorable Mina is.” Jem smiles, taking the bag from Emma. 

“They said it was because you and Tessa are so good to them, they wanted to do something nice for you in return, though I don’t think Mina’s cuteness hurt the situation.” Emma tells him. 

“I’ll have to make sure to go in and thank them when Tessa and the babies get home. How was Mina for you? Did she give you any trouble?” Jem asks, a tinge of worry seeping into his tone. Mina can be quiet the handful sometimes, she has a hell of a temper, like Will. Jem and Tessa like to imagine she got her temper from Will, even though he has no biological relation to her, it brings them joy and makes them feel closer to him.

“No she was good as gold, I took her on a walk this morning and she loved it, she pointed out every dog along the way, I think you’ve got an animal lover on your hands.” Emma says, gently tickling Mina’s cheek.

“Or it’s because a certain someone is always showing her what he calls ‘Dog memes’.” Jem says, making air quotes with the one hand that isn’t keep Mina secure on his hip. Kit grins proudly and says 

“It keeps her happy doesn’t it? I could be worse, I could be teaching her about demon pox like Will.” Jem sighs and shakes his head. 

“Just what are we going to do with your Uncle Will, Mina? Teaching my baby about STDs, I’m sorely tempted to bring him back just so I can kill him again for that.” He jokingly says. “And don’t you dare say you can help with that, Kit.” He adds. Kit grins and laughs. 

“You know me so well.” He says. Just then the door to the bathroom swings open, and Tessa steps out, dressed in a blue hospital gown and a dusty pink robe, her hair tied into a bun at the back of her head. 

“Mama!” Mina squeals, the minute she sees Tessa. Tessa’s eyes light up and she crosses the room and takes Mina from Jem, peppering her face in kisses. 

 “Oh hi baby, I missed you so much.” She softly says, holding Mina close and breathing in her scent, so glad to have her daughter back in her arms again. 

“Did you miss me too?” Kit asks with a hint of anxiety in his tone, anxiety that Tessa will push him away and only want to be with Mina and the twins right now. But instead she smiles widely at him and pulls him into the embrace with one arm and plants a kiss on the top of his head. 

“Of course I did my sweet boy, so much, it killed me being away from you two.” Tessa softly says, as Kit lays his head on her shoulder, enjoying the feeling of being embraced and loved and cared about. 

10 minutes later the babies are back in their bassinets by Tessa’s bed, having finished all their tests and being declared perfectly healthy, which Tessa and Jem are so relieved about, seeing as the twins were a month early, they could have had all sorts of complications. 

“They’re so tiny.” Kit says in a tone of awe, looking between the two bassinets that contain his youngest sisters. He thought Mina had been small, but compared to the twins, she was a giant baby. 

“Well they were premature, and Mina was full term, I almost went over with her.” Tessa says from her position on the bed, with Mina in her lap, Jem at her side and Emma at Kit’s side. 

“Ty and Livvy were early too, not by this much though, but they were still tiny.” Emma says in a nostalgic tone, her heart aching at the thought of Livvy. 

“Do you guys have any baby pictures of Ty?” Kit asks in a curious tone, turning to look at Emma. 

“I think so, I think Julian has an album that was his mom’s, why?” Emma replies. Kit grins mischievously and says 

“I want to see all my boyfriend’s baby pictures, especially the embarrassing ones.” 

“Speaking of babies, do you want to hold your sisters Kit?” Tessa asks, setting her apple turnover slice down on the tray in front of her. Kit’s eyes widen and he stammers 

“A-are you sure? I might break them.” Tessa laughs as she reaches into the bassinet nearest her and lifts the baby out. 

“You never broke Mina, you can hold them one at a time if that makes you feel better.” Kit thinks about it for a minute before nodding, plonking into a seat beside Tessa and holding his arms out. 

“This is Baby A, Jade Ai Ke Carstairs.” Tessa softly says, lowering Jade into Kit’s arms. 

“Emma would you like to hold Charlotte?” Jem asks, as Kit gazes at Jade in awe and fascination. 

“Oh I’d love to!” Emma says in an excited tone, holding her arms out for Jem to pass little Charlotte to her. Emma cradles the baby close and smiles softly down at her. From underneath her little white cap, there are a few curls of brown hair poking out, her skin is tanned like Jem’s and she has his eye shape and bone structure, while she has Tessa’s mouth and nose. 

“Wow, Min-Min, Jade looks just like you.” Kit says, smiling up at Mina. 

“She certainly does, she’s like Mina 2.0 with grey eyes, Lottie has Jem’s eyes but I’m just happy that finally after 5 biological children one of my babies got my eyes.” Tessa says in a proud tone. 

“You wanna say hi to your sisters Mina?” Jem gently asks, noticing Mina starting at Emma and Kit. Mina nods wordlessly. Jem scoops her off the bed and takes her over to Emma and Charlotte first.

“This is Charlotte, she looks like mama, doesn’t she?” Jem softly says, stroking the baby’s soft little cheek. Mina stares at her sister in awe, her mouth hanging half open. She nods her little head, her dark curls falling into her face. “You want to give her a kiss? Tell her you love her?” Jem encourages, while clipping Mina’s hair back from her eyes. Mina stands on her tiptoes and leans over to carefully kiss Charlotte’s head, though she more so gets her eye. 

“Love oo Lottie.” Mina quietly says. Her eyes light up then and she smiles widely and points at her sister. “Daddy, Lottie, like Aunty Lottie!” She exclaims.

“That’s right my clever girl, she’s named after your Aunty Lottie like you’re named after your Uncle Will and your cousin Rosemary.” Jem tells her. He and Tessa want Mina to know about the woman she was named for, but she’s too little to understand that Rosemary is both Kit’s birth mother and related to Mina in some way, making Kit biologically her cousin, not her brother, so they simply tell her that Rosemary was her cousin. 

“You wanna come over here and say hi to to Jade, Mina?” Kit asks, wanting to steer the conversation away from the topic of his birth mother. Mina nods and bounds across the room to his side. She stares at Jade the same way she did Charlotte, full of curiosity and fascination. 

“Ade.” Mina says. “Lottie, Ade, sistas.” she adds, pointing from Emma and Charlotte to Kit and Jade. 

“That’s right Mina mine, they’re your sisters.” Jem softly says, placing a hand on her lower back. Mina leans forward and places a sloppy kiss on Jade’s forehead (again more so getting her eye than her forehead) and says 

“Love oo Ade.” While Mina, Kit and Emma fuss over the babies, Jem takes a seat next to Tessa again and slips his hand into hers. 

“We have a beautiful family.” He quietly says.

“Yes we most certainly do, we’ve really been blessed.” Tessa replies, laying her head on her husband’s shoulder. 

“I only wish...” Jem trails off, his throat closing up and tears welling in his eyes. He knows Tessa knows what he is trying to say, so he focuses on calming down and not crying and getting upset in front of his children and sister. 

“I know, I do too, I wish all our family could be here right now. I wish Sophie was here to knit blankets for the babies, I wish Charlotte was here to fuss over them with Cecily while Henry builds them cribs and toys, Gabriel would teach them to spar and Gideon would be the most wonderful tutor, Lucie would write so many stories about her sisters and James would read to them everyday, Christopher would be fascinated by them and the fact they’re twins, Anna would buy them the most amazing little outfits, Thomas and Cordelia would insist on helping out with them while Matthew would argue with Charles over whose turn it is to hold them. I wish all our family could be here but the family that are here and that we have now are just as amazing, Magnus is the fun uncle who lets them break the rules, like he always wanted to be to Jamie and Lucie, they have a perfect family around them right now.” Jem laughs lightly and wipes at his tears as he imagines Henry presenting he and Tessa with two beautifully carved cradles that do all sorts of ridiculous things, like the self-rocking cradle he had built (and broken) for Charles before he was born.

“You’re right, of course you are my beautiful Tessa, you are always right, I’d be lost without you.” Jem quietly says. putting his arms around her shoulders. 

“And I you.”

The next day the babies and Tessa are discharged from the hospital. Emma happily agrees to stay for another few weeks to help out with the twins and Mina and help with training Kit.

When Tessa, Jem and the babies arrive home from the hospital, the babies are fast asleep and Tessa and Jem can hardly keep their eyes open. So with Kit happy and safe on a date with Ty in LA and Mina happy with Emma, they put the twins in their bassinets and fall into bed, fast asleep before their heads hit the pillows. 

While they sleep, Tessa and Jem are oblivious to the crowd of ghosts coming in and out of their room to see the babies. The last to come to see the twins, is of course William. He takes a minute to just stand and look at the two beautiful little girls who are a mixture of two of the people he loves most in the world. 

As he stands looking at the babies, Jade blinks her eyes open and stares up at Will, her eyes wide and bright. Will smiles softly and reaches down to stroke her cheek. 

“Hello little Cariad, what are you doing awake hm? You’re meant to be asleep.” He whispers. Jade blinks up at him, totally unfazed by him, just like Mina had been. “Sweet girl, go back to sleep Jade, let your mummy and daddy sleep some more, and don’t wake your sister. If you’re lonely I’ll stay with you, I always stayed with Mina, you close your eyes and go back to sleep and Uncle Will is going to stay right here.” As though soothed by these words, Jade closes her eyes and soon falls asleep in no time, clutching Will’s hand. 

Tessa and Jem always speak of how they wished their family from London could be a part of their children’s lives, but they’re totally unaware of the fact that their wish has already come true. Everyone from Charlotte to Cordelia to Gideon to Jesse watches over the little family, and loves them.

[walkingshcdow-a]

MASHAP + 11

((The prompt said “A Short Drabble”. 12 Pages Later...))

London, England: 10 years ago

“I’ll tell you a secret.”

The blonde woman is young - not much younger than he is, actually, but she has wide green eyes and Eric is sure she was carded multiple times tonight. They’ve been sitting together in a corner booth, swapping stories, punctuated by the kind of soul-deep, drunken make-outs you think uni has promised for you. Eric is twenty-six and well out of university. He wonders if this girl is. Masha. He likes the way her eyes glitter with warmth and mischief and he really likes her accent, which is warm and vaguely foreign. Sometimes tonight, like now, it starts to slip and he hears Eastern European. He has all kinds of opinions about that, but now isn’t the time for them. He still wonders from which country they hail and if Masha can tell he’ll be finishing up training as a field agent in six weeks. He thinks, drunkenly, that he wouldn’t mind having her hold a gun to his throat if it means she’ll drop the British veneer from that accent she’s trying so hard to hide.

“Go on, then,” he says, roving a hand across her tights. He’s just drunk enough to wish she wasn’t wearing them.

“It’s not my birthday,” she tells him. She takes the garish, pink pin off her dress, and drops it onto the table. 

Masha grins at the blond man and the flush of confusion on his face. She can guess what he’s thinking: that she wore it to trick handsome things like him out of a couple of pounds or into bed. Maybe he isn’t entirely wrong and maybe she should feel guilty for it. Instead, she snakes a hand down his chest, playing with the top button of his shirt. He’s sweet and funny in that trying-too-hard-to-be-funny way she’s always found endearing. If she wasn’t leaving in the morning, maybe she’d write her number on his hand or a bar napkin and hope he’d call, even though the odds he would are slim. Why would he call her after they’ve spent an hour talking and probably about another hour making out? Even if they slept together, why would he want to see her again? He knows nothing about her - not really - and she knows less about him. There’s no way he was serious when he said he studied medicine at Oxford. He probably only said it because she told him she was a nurse and he wants to impress her. She thinks, drunkenly, that she’d be impressed to know what he’s like relaxed and at her mercy, if his smile would seem more real.  She sighs at the “It’s My Birthday” pin Ruslan clipped to her dress while the two of them and Gleb pre-gamed at the boys’ flat. 

“I ship out tomorrow,” she says. “Doctors Without Borders. My friends thought it’d be a good way to spend my last night in London.”

Eric looks beyond her. Her friends have worried him all night - two muscle-bound brunets who have been going shot-for-shot with vodka all night. They don’t look over here often, but when they do, Eric imagines one or both of them is ready to kill him if he does the wrong thing. Masha follows his gaze and waves at her friends. She knows that look on Gleb’s face well - That one? Really, Masha? - and she knows if he was over here, they’d be fighting about how she doesn’t judge him for the fact he won’t ask the pretty girl from his work out, so he should keep his own judgments about who she makes out with in bars to himself.

“Blimey.” Eric looks at the birthday button. “Where are you going?”

She says something and he doesn’t really hear over the music. She smiles a little wistfully for a moment, but then her hands slide down his taut abdomen and she straddles his lap.

“-The way I see it,” she whispers, lips brushing his ear. “Is that I want to make my last night in London really count.”

“Wouldn’t you rather…” His breath hitches. “... make it count with your friends?”

“They’ve been throwing me going away parties all week,” Masha said with a laugh. The tip of her tongue flicks against the outer shell of Eric’s ear and he shivers beneath her. “I want to make it count with you.”

They’re too drunk to do more than make out in the corner booth. In the morning, he sleeps alone in his bed and she applies a tender layer of concealer to a mouth-shaped bruise on her collar bone before calling a taxi to take her to Heathrow. 

Caracas, Venezuela: 9 years ago

The Simon Bolivar International Airport thrums with life and malcontent as the storm outside has canceled yet another round of flights. Masha, whose flight was canceled two hours ago, sits in one of the airport bars. The vodka here is disgusting, so she’s spent the last year drinking rum like a local. Her mouth has grown tired of the sweetness. She’s grown tired of Venezuela. It isn’t what they promised her in the brochure. Socio-political unrest has violently punctuated her tenure with Doctors Without Borders. She reads the paper, tries to understand what’s going on, but from everything she’s gathered it is this: the West comes in and puts someone in power that suits them, but not the people. It makes her reexamine what she’s doing - what any of them are doing - traveling with Doctors Without Borders. It makes her feel like even giving vaccinations to children in need makes her a puppet for colonialism. She thinks she will resign when she returns to the UK. Join a regular practice. Become a nurse practitioner. Open her own place in ten years. It’s attractive. 

But she gets letters from Gleb, who is in Moscow, and hears how happy he is being anywhere but London. And she gets letters from Ruslan, who is still full of optimism that his military career isn’t just another decrepit arm of the former British empire. And she wants to feel what they do. She does. She does. When she gives a kid a bandaid and a smile, when she runs an ultrasound for a new mother-to-be, when she can confidently tell a family their grandfather’s cancer is in remission, she knows that she’s doing the right thing. A good thing. Even when she has to bear bad news, she supposes the knowing is better than wondering and worrying and watching those last moments of a loved one’s life be painful. That doesn’t make her feel better every time, but as she drinks in a foreign airport with no idea when she’ll go home, it brings her some amount of comfort that she’s doing her best to do good in the world and that maybe the next assignment won’t be so hard. Maybe it’s just this first one.

She’s two drinks in when someone slides into the barstool beside her. She looks at him and he looks familiar. He reminds her of a boy - well, not really a boy, a man - she met once in London. He has the same, laughing blue eyes as he orders a coffee, hot and strong as if he’s flirting with the waitress. Maybe he is. It’s none of her business. She really ought to stop staring.

“Well, hello, there, birthday girl,” he says, turning to look at her, grinning as if he recognizes her. “Small world, isn’t it?”

For a moment she thinks it can’t be. But then she grins and can’t believe he remembers that stupid button she’d been wearing when they met in London. She wonders if he remembers her name. She remembers his.

“Eric!” she says. She sets her drink aside. “Small world, indeed! What brings you to Venezuela?”

“Oh, you know,” he says. “Wanted to do a bit of traveling. Spent the summer fixing jetskis.” 

“Mr. I Studied Medicine At Oxford came all the way to Venezuela to fix jetskis,” she teases. “You’ve been here all summer?”

“Oh yeah,” he says. “Been traveling around with a group of volunteers from Hungary. It’s been a wild summer.”

“Sounds it,” Masha says. 

She isn’t sure if she believes him, but it’s a wild lie to make up for a girl you made out with once a year ago. She studies Eric’s face. He’s certainly suntanned, but in the light of day, he looks older than she remembered him being when they met. More tired. Surely fixing jetskis doesn’t make a man the kind of exhausted she feels, unless Eric, too, has been ruminating on whether any good they do for a complicated regime is actually good. 

“What about you? Are you still doing Doctors Without Borders?” he asks. The waitress brings his coffee, and he thanks her. When she turns her back, he tips something from a flask into the coffee. “You were all set to save the world last time I saw you.”

“I wouldn’t say that,” Masha mumbles. She shakes her head and pulls her drink closer. “But, yes, for now, I am still with Doctors Without Borders.”

“Good for you,” Eric said. “I know it can’t be easy. Especially to have a country like Venezuela as your first assignment…”

“Says the man, fixing sporting equipment for the bourgeoisie.” 

Eric laughs and it sounds a little hollow. Masha wants to care that she’s made a conversational faux-pas, but she doesn’t. He deserves to feel uncomfortable if he’s been watching tensions rise from the other side of the socioeconomic scale. It occurs to her again how ridiculous it sounds when he says he’s been fixing jetskis as if he couldn’t do that along the English Channel back home. Maybe they aren’t so different - craving adventure, longing to do good and ending up wistful no matter what. Maybe she’s a little drunk. 

“It’s good to see you,” she says to break the tension. “Are you flying back to London?”

“By way of Paris, yes,” he says. “And you?”

“The same. We’re probably on the same, canceled flight.”

He laughs a little more naturally. 

“It’s good to see you, too, Masha,” he says. “I didn’t think I’d ever see you again.”

“Like you said, it’s a small world.”

“How long will you be in London for?” he asks. “Before your next assignment?”

“If there is a next one,” Masha sighs. “I don’t know. A few weeks. You?”

“Oh, only about a week or two,” he says. “Maybe I’ll see more of you in London?”

“Are you asking me out?” Masha asks, cocking her head. 

“Well, I mean-” He takes a big swig of his coffee. “Only if you’d like-

“Why don’t we give it a trial run here?” she asks. “Have a date in the airport?”

“We could be stuck here for hours or days-”

“So let’s make the most of it,” Masha says. “Finish our drinks and go on a date at all the weird airport shops, have dinner at the food court.”

They drink some more and they talk and they go on a date to a sunglasses shop, a place that sells knick-knacks, and a very out-of-place Hard Rock Cafe. They make out in the terminal and whisper secrets and outrageous stories to each other beneath a giant window with a view of the lightning-streaked sky. When the airline offers hotel vouchers, they agree to take one for the night and swear they’ll date when they reach London, even if it’s only for a week. But morning comes and Eric’s friend, Strahil, is offering him a private flight to Budapest in a helicopter and Masha tells him to take it if it means he’ll get home sooner. When she finally gets a flight into London by way of Paris the next day, she doesn’t want to date Eric for a week or two, anyway.

Marrakech, Morocco: Seven Years Ago

Masha doesn’t mind working a side-gig for a little extra cash. Marrakech is fantastic in some ways - she gets to meet amazing people and work with geniuses and help people and she feels rejuvenated in the desert sun, but she feels judged as she walks the streets - a single woman, an independent woman, a Western woman - and often finds herself wrapping her hair in a headscarf to avoid stares and whispers in the marketplace. It’s only in these little ex-pat communities that she is free from local scrutiny and she knows she can get away with having a second job here because no one here knows she’s supposed to be working a nursing shift in the morning. So she sings jazz standards on stage, husky-voiced and sultry, while patrons from England and America and France drink and half-listen and enjoy themselves. She thinks about leaving nursing to be a performer sometimes. She isn’t half-bad. But she wouldn’t make it back home. She’s smart enough to know that this money - every last penny she earns - will go towards her nurse practitioner degree. 

She sings a little Leonard Cohen and goes on break. 

“Of all the gin joints in all the world…” a familiar voice says as a hand rests on her lower back and a glass of vodka appears before her in the bar.

“That’s Casablanca, Eric,” she says. “This is Marrakech.”

“But it’s still such a good line,” he says. 

Masha picks up her drink. He smells faintly boozy, like he’s been here a while. She wonders how long and if he’s been watching her perform. 

“So you gave up Doctors Without Borders,” he says. “And now you’re a lounge singer. Is there anything you can’t do?”

“I can’t understand how I can travel thousands of miles across the globe and run into you, but how we can both be based out of London and I never see you.”

“Masha, I’m sorry-”

“I’m not mad, Eric,” she says. “It’s just odd. You aren’t tailing me, are you?”

“For all I know, you could be tailing me,” he says. “I’ve been in North Africa since last year. When’d you start singing here?”

Masha takes a sip of vodka.

“My supervisor doesn’t know,” she says. “I’m trying to make some extra cash. Seeing the world is great and all, but…”

“But?”

“Don’t you have aspirations?” she asks him. “Things you want for the future?”

“Sure,” he says. 

He doesn’t elaborate. Masha sighs. She hates playing chicken with him, but this is how a lot of their conversations feel and have felt over the years. They’ve crossed paths a few times since Venezuela. Every time, it’s like this. She drains her glass and asks the bartender for another. 

“What do you want me to say?” Eric asks. “Tell me, Masha, and I’ll say it.”

“I want you to say something true for once,” she says. She clutches her new glass of vodka tightly. She can feel the ice cubes melting from her touch. “Anything true.”

“You sang like an angel tonight.”

She scoffs.

“I’ve been coming for the last three weeks to hear you sing and I’ve been trying to get up the courage to talk to you again.”

“Oh, please, I’m not the scariest thing you’ve seen and we both know it,” Masha says. “We both know you’ve probably stared down the barrel of a gun a hundred times-”

“That’s not funny.”

“I’m not trying to be,” Masha says. “Eric, why are you in Marrakech?”

“I’m on holiday,” he says. 

She looks unimpressed. 

“I was working security detail for the British Museum,” he says and even though it sounds wild, Masha thinks this is as close to the truth as she’ll get from him. “They’re negotiating the movement of some very old, very expensive artifacts in Cairo. It’s been a tense situation and so now that it’s over, I’m on vacation.”

“In Marrakech?”

“In Marrakech.”

“Why?” Masha asks. “Why not, I don’t know, Casablanca because you love it so much?”

“Well, you’re not in Casablanca.” 

Eric turns pink and starts to drink his beer quickly. 

“How would you know that?” 

“I asked around. Some people owed me some favors.”

“Eric…” Her voice breaks. “You really shouldn’t-”

“If you don’t want to see me, I’ll go,” he says. “But I wanted to see you before my next work trip.”

“Where are you going?”

“I can’t say,” he says softly. “But I didn’t want to go without seeing you one more time.”

“When do you go?”

“Next week.”

Masha wraps a hand around Eric’s. For the first time since she’s known him, he sounds scared. She sets down her glass and runs her cool hand down his cheek.

“I have to sing another set in fifteen minutes. Then I’m done for the night. Will you wait for me?”

“I’m here all week,” Eric jokes. Masha, buzzed, lifts up on her tiptoes and presses her lips to his. 

“When you come back,” she whispers, “from wherever your work sends you, write to my sister for my location instead. Don’t waste your favors on me.”

“You’re never a waste.”

So she kisses him some more during those fifteen minutes, reapplies her lipstick, and when she sings a few jazz standards about having her lover near, she feels it and watches him across the bar, eager to spend a week wrapped up in his arms, even if a little part of her knows it may be the last time.

Yekaterinburg, Russia: Four Years Ago

Masha presses close to Eric as they sit on her grandmother’s ancient sofa. Her family buzzes around them. Cousins she hasn’t seen in a decade ask over and over if Eric is her boyfriend and Masha, hoping he doesn’t speak Russian, tells them he is because she doesn’t want them to wonder why she’s brought this random Englishman to her grandfather’s funeral. She doesn’t want to explain to them that the man she has brought with her is a British intelligence agent, with whom she has been having an on-and-off affair for six years, and just happened to run into in town mere hours before. Somehow, she doesn’t think that will go over well with her family, who has been scattered during and after the Cold War. It’s strange to see them all together again after so long and she doesn’t think she’d survive a minute of it if it wasn’t for Eric. She wishes she could say that her grandfather would have loved him, but…

“Does it scandalize you to know my grandfather was a communist?” she murmurs against Eric’s jawline. “And a good man, to boot?”

“Politics is complicated,” Eric sighs. He strokes her hair. “But if he was your grandfather, I’m  sure he was a wonderful man.”

Masha hums softly. She doesn’t tell him that her mother’s family used to hate her father or that she’d spent her teenage years idealizing and idolizing the man they’d buried today to spite her parents, only to realize that she really did believe strongly in workers’ rights and socialized medicine. Like Eric said: politics is hard. She doesn’t want to complicate their relationship. It’s already complex enough. She only sees him once a year or so and they both move so much that even then, they only see each other for a few weeks at a time, if they’re lucky. Her cousin Nicky brings them each another glass of vodka and tells them to drink. He’s been living in Glasgow for school and so, besides Masha’s siblings and parents, is one of the only ones who talk to Eric in English. He urges him to come drink with the men for a bit and pulls Eric away from Masha. Masha joins her mother and aunts and female cousins in the kitchen. For a while, she is content to watch them descend upon her sister-in-law’s new baby. Little Arkady is subjected to all the cooing from older women, threatening to gobble him up and giving his mother advice. Masha watches and her heart hurts so bad she drinks another glass and a half of vodka without being noticed. She once asked Eric if he had dreams - back in Marrakech, she thinks, or maybe Venezuela, she doesn’t remember any more. It may have been one of the nights when they weren’t drinking, but instead making love against the backdrop of a thousand stars or grabbing a quick lunch in London when they both happened to be home. He never said what his dreams were. Once, when he asked her - maybe that same time, maybe a different one, it all runs together - she said she dreamt of getting her nurse practitioner’s license and didn’t say more because the sad truth, she realizes, is that she dreams of a world where she and Eric met before she’d joined Doctors Without Borders and before he’d taken whatever dubious government job he had and that they’d lived an ordinary life with ordinary careers, made extraordinary only by the fact that she loves him and he loves her. If they had done that, God, how many children would they have now? What would their house look like? How many of their furtive reunions would have been family vacations and second honeymoons?  She’s about to finish her second glass when her aunt says, “Mashka will be next. Won’t you? You and your charming Brit?” 

“Oh, it’ll be nice to have the family together for a wedding for a change!” her sister-in-law says. “It’s been a few years…”

Masha drains her glass and fills it again. 

“What does he do?” her aunt asks. “Can he provide for you?”

“I can provide for myself,” Masha says sharply. She feels sick. She shouldn’t have subjected Eric to this. She shouldn’t have subjected herself to it. She just knew that tonight, it would feel good to escape to his hotel and sleep in his arms, once her grief was drowned by alcohol, and to imagine - imagine- “Excuse me.”

She stumbles from the room with her glass and pours herself another. The bottle suddenly stabilizes and she looks to see Eric steadying it for her.

“Your family is wonderful,” he says. “Nicky and Ivan taught me how to play Bear Paw. I’m not sure if it’s supposed to be fun or if it’s only meant to get you really, really drunk…”

Masha laughs a little weakly. 

“I had to leave the game, though,” he says, “because being here, with you, and your family, surrounded by all this love and friendship and community… Well, it makes a man think about what he wants to do with the rest of his life.”

Masha feels dizzy. She usually holds her liquor better than this. She looks at Eric and even though, moments ago, she wished they could have been a normal couple, she isn’t sure she wants him to propose to her here and now, while her entire family is present. 

“What are you saying?” 

“Masha, I finally know what I want and I’m going to go for it,” he says. “Life’s too short not to go after the things you want.”

“Eric, are you sure?”

“I’ve never been more certain of anything,” he says. “Masha, I’m going to open a funeral parlor.”

“I’m sorry… what?”

“You asked me a few years ago what I wanted most out of life, what my dreams for the future are and at the time, I didn’t know. But after spending this week with your family, seeing everyone really come together, I know that I want to give others the gift of comfort and community I’ve seen within your family. It will take a year - year and a half tops - to get my license and then I’ll open a practice. I’m thinking of calling it “Chapman’s”. What do you think?”

“I’m happy for you Eric,” Masha says. She drained her glass of vodka in one, burning gulp. “Really, I am… You’d be an amazing funeral director…”

Eric steadies her as she sways in her heels and he leads her to the sofa. 

“Really?” he asks. “I’m glad you think so. I really care about what you think of the whole thing.”

Then Masha bursts into tears. Eric wraps an arm around her and strokes her hair. 

“I know, you’re grieving, I should have waited to tell you,” he murmurs. “I dunno why it couldn’t have waited. I’m so sorry Masha, for your loss, for… everything…”

“If you open a funeral parlor, will I ever see you again?” she asks through her broken sobs.

“Oh. Oh. Right. Yes, I mean, I’ll be setting up a permanent base. Though I’m thinking I’ll want someplace quieter than London. What do you think about Salisbury?”

“Salisbury?”

“No, you’re right. Too touristy.” Eric hummed softly in thought. “I’ll get you the address though, wherever it is, so when you’re not saving the world, maybe you can come by for a visit.”

“Visit?”

“Only if you want. I know it isn’t as exciting as making love in the Cambodian rainforest. I’ll miss that bit of all this - you, me, exotic locales, never knowing when we’ll see each other again…”

“Ya lyublyu tebya, ty svoloch’!” she shouts, pushing him off of her. As she slips back into her native Russian words start to fall out of her mouth. “I’ve always loved you and I thought that’s what you were going to tell me but instead you’re opening up a funeral parlor? Are you crazy? You just expect me to be happy for you, when I was hoping you’d just tell me you loved me and I could tell you I loved you and maybe we’d both give up this life and-”

“Hang on, I heard ‘bastard’, ‘crazy’, ‘happy’... That’s all I’ve got. Could you slow down a bit? What’s that word you keep repeating? Lyublyu? Did I say that right?” 

A few pairs of eyes are on them now as cousins and other relatives pop their heads into the living room. With everyone staring, Masha can’t yell at Eric the way she wants and as her grasp of English weakens she can’t talk to him like a rational adult. All she can do was straddle his lap and kiss him hard and put up with her family muttering about how she’s never been “a good Russian girl” anyway. 

This Week: Piffling Vale, England

“I would have married you in Yekaterinburg,” Masha says. 

It’s the middle of the afternoon and she and her husband are wine-wasted on a Sunday. Sunlight streams through the window and she looks up at their intertwined hands. She likes the way his wedding band looks - that it lets everybody on the whole, bloody planet know that Eric Chapman is finally spoken for.

“No, you wouldn’t have,” he says. He buries his face in her hair. “I was a mess. I was about to leave MI-6 and just… you didn’t even know…”

“I knew,” Masha tells him. “I’ve known since Marrakech. Maybe Paris.”

“Which time was Paris?”

“We were sober,” she says. “You took a telephone call while you thought I was asleep.”

“Oh.” A pause. “Why the hell would you have married me back then? I couldn’t have given you…”

He gestures vaguely to indicate the house. 

“I didn’t want-” Masha gestures. “I wanted you. Still do.”

“You’re drunk,” Eric says, laughing. 

Masha rolls on top of him. 

“Maybe,” she says, “but you decided to build all of this after a game of Bear Paw with my cousins. I think I can tell my husband I love him after sharing a bottle of wine with him.”

“Oh, we were sharing?” he teases. “Are you sure that wasn’t your bottle of wine?”

She laughs and the warm sound washes over him. He reaches up and strokes her hair. She kisses his palm. 

“Is this how you envisioned our lives back then?” she asks. “Be honest.”

“I’m always honest for you,” he tells her. She scoffs and he rolls her over on the mattress. “It isn’t. This was a surprise. A gift. I didn’t know you wanted to marry me.”

She trails her hands down his chest and plays with the buttons of his shirt. She works them open and kisses his skin. 

“I would have married you any time in the last seven years,” she tells him. “We have a lot of lost time to make up for.”

“Oh?”

“Mmm.” She hooks her legs around his waist. “How would you feel about making Chapman’s a family business?”

“Much better if you asked me that sober,” he teases, still groaning at the roll of her hips against his. “You will ask me again when you’re sober?”

Masha laughs. 

“I promise.”

She looks up at Eric and thinks he looks soft and vulnerable for the first time since they were young and dumb and making out in a bar in London and she thinks ‘This is the man I’ve always been in love with’ with a fond smile before arching up to kiss him for the millionth time. When the telephone rings a few hours later and Eric rushes off to collect a body for work, Masha watches him dress fastidiously and race out the door, certain and grateful now that she will see him again and soon.

[ananxioussheep]

My Miscarriage Journey

Today: Tuesday, October 1st 

On October 1st, 2019 our journey of parenthood was put on an indefinite pause. What started as a routine check-up for the day became our worst nightmare. The second you find out you're pregnant is the most exciting and terrifying moment. You immediately change everything you are doing to ensure your baby is healthy. For me, unfortunately, our baby was not going to be. When I met my midwives that morning I went in for a Doppler check. My midwife was going to look around to find our baby's heartbeat. We couldn't find it the week before. She told me before she had even started last week not to worry if that happened since the baby could be behind my pubic bone or could still just be too small. When we didn't hear it we scheduled a recheck for next week once the baby grew a little more and I kept my bladder full for the check so that my uterus would hopefully be in a better position to finally meet our baby. Three midwives tried with no success. They told me a number of things could be happening, maybe I'm not as far along as we all thought, maybe my uterus wasn't shaped the way it was supposed and baby is just in a different spot, or maybe I was experiencing what is called a missed miscarriage. I left their center and headed to get an ultrasound. Jacob was at work for the day because we thought I was going to be having an easy check-up and I would be leaving with a video for him so he could meet our baby. When I got to the radiology center and saw what was happening I immediately knew this wasn't good. I spent a long year as a vet tech and have seen lots of ultrasounds. I had lots of pregnant friends and knew what I should see. I have a biology degree and have studied a lot of reproduction. When the tech turned the screen my way I saw my uterus. And I saw where my baby should be and wasn't. She decided she wanted to do a transvaginal ultrasound to be sure. If you know what this is then you know this is the last thing you want to be doing as your fighting back tears waiting for the inevitable. We found that although I was past 12 weeks, my baby stopped developing around week 7. My body still thought (and still thinks as I write this) that I was pregnant. I now have to walk around for who knows how many days still being pregnant and waiting to labor this child. Jake and I spent the day sobbing. Wondering what we could have done differently. I spent my time talking with God. Asking him if he had changed his mind about thinking if I was going to be a good mother. We told our family and friends and bosses that we would be missing for a while. That we were not going to be meeting our sweet baby in April. That our dream was ending for now. And that we wanted some time and space to process. Right now it's 6 am. I've fallen asleep for 2 hours. My mind can not shut off. I can't stop thinking about how this fight isn't over and I still have to “have” this baby. I can't stop thinking about the fact that we already announced because things were good. I was really sick for weeks so that must mean we have a healthy baby. My body still thinks I'm pregnant. I spent 4 hours last night having reflux and puking. But I still have not had a bit of spotting. We haven't taken a step toward “having” this baby. Part of me wonders if I just keep going along like I'm pregnant maybe God will perform a miracle. But most of me doesn't want to hold onto any hope because that would hurt more. It's crazy how quickly the best season of your life turns into the worst. 

72 Hours Later: Friday, October 4th 

Take day 3. It's been over 72 hours since we found out we lost this baby. I haven't made any progress in “having” this baby. I am angry. And I'm drinking and I'm almost entirely dependent upon my anxiety medication. My husband who never cries is crying a lot and I don't know how to help. I'm ready to have this child, bury this child, and begin to move on. This is the most challenging, devastating, and world-altering. I have so many doubts? Will I ever be able to be a mother? I want to try now, as soon as possible, but Jake's pain is too much to get there now. Will I ever heal from this? Am I capable of going on? 

6 Days Later: Monday, October 7th

Yesterday I called my midwife sobbing. I just can't wait for my body to do this anymore. I can't keep walking around like everything is fine with my lifeless angel inside me. Help. I'll get the pill on Tuesday. I'm reading the same scriptures over and over and over. Jake finished a 1000 piece puzzle in 8 hours and didn't sleep last night. I hid in the office at work all day because I can't afford to not be there. Worship music non-stop. Jesus as much as possible. And literal devastation. How can you miss something that's still inside you? We decided to name our baby even though we don't know what it is. Our baby deserves a name. Emerson, it means brave and powerful (I just keep referring to her as Emmie because I had so many dreams about it being a girl). Exactly what our angel is. And exactly what we will have to be these next few months. I'm planning a tattoo of rosemary their purple blooms which signify love and remembrance and I've decided our baby is a honeybee. All my dreams and plans during this pregnancy have been around bees. When I looked up their meaning I found that they extract sweetness from life, and represent abundance, brightness, and personal power. Because of our sweet little baby bee our family will learn all of these things this season. And now, we wait to finally do this tomorrow; have this baby. 

Tuesday, October 8th, 11:55 PM

Preparing for a long night ahead as I FINALLY started bleeding. As absolutely devastating as this moment is I'm so relieved to finally let this baby move through my body naturally and I'm it's timing. I was scheduled to pay another $300 tomorrow for another ultrasound for confirmation to get the medication. I am praying to God and have been asking him to let this be the way this happens. So now. At midnight Jacob and I are running to Walmart for freaking incontinence pads for old people. All because we decided we wanted to love each other a little tonight and I guess that's all baby needed. To know Jake and I still love each other. (He will literally hate me for that but guess what most happy marriages have sex lives, it's totally biblical y'all). Part of me feels terrible for celebrating right now and I know it won't feel like this as the pain and bleeding continue but right now, I'm proud of Jake and me for getting through this and so proud of our baby for trying as hard as it could in this short little life. 

Wednesday, October 9th, 10:00 AM

Well, I barely bled at all so to the Dr. we go to get this process rolling for real. Last night I held my tummy and told my baby how proud I am of him or her. It fought so hard for this life. And it's fighting so hard to get to the other side of this life. I'm so ready for us all to be at rest and be ready to heal. Jacob and I are realizing how perfect God's timing is. Although we were pretty annoyed when we didn't get to go on our Labor Day cruise I can now see that God perfectly planned this time away for us. I'm believing it's going to be so healing. And it also helps give me perspective that God knows exactly what he's doing with this little babe. They were just too precious to be earthside. I find a lot of comfort knowing we have a personal angel caring for us from above. 

Wednesday 5:30 PM 

Here we go. Pain. Cramps. Aches. I'm tired already and it hasn't even begun. 

Thursday, October 10th, 1:00 AM

3 pills in. I'm finally losing my mind. I just woke up Jake with my crying because I officially feel like I have lost at the game of life. I currently feel insufficient as a wife, a friend, an employee, and especially as a mom. I'm looking back on this year and honestly, it has been the most miserable and lonely year of my life. And this moment has been by far the hardest. There is no pain that can compare to watching pieces and clumps of cells that should have been your child fall out of you. And having to force your body to do it with pill after pill because after 7 weeks it still won't understand that it's not going to have this baby. I don't recognize myself or my life anymore. For the past 8 weeks we've known about this baby I finally felt purposed again. I was working toward a goal. A life that I saw so much fulfillment in. And all of a sudden it's just gone. Nothing can prepare you for these moments. I'm so deeply pressed for anyone who has ever and will ever do this and I'm trying to imagine how I will dig myself out of this. Here's what I know, one, I will not apologize for doing the things that are best for me and two, I will speak up about this experience as much as possible because this baby deserves a memory and this experience deserves to be de-stigmatized. My head is throbbing, my back is throbbing, the pain is so deep in my abdomen that I am nauseous yet nothing else is happening. I'm just exhausted. Physically, Spiritually, Emotionally. I'm fried. 

Thursday: 8:30 AM 

I was wondering why everyone kept saying you would know when it happened because I really didn't think I would know, but then it happened. Feeling dizzy, nauseous, and a little more empty. I love you little babe. 

Friday, October 11th

Today we took what remained of our little and planted a tree. It’s the first thing I see every day when I walk in the door. 

Sunday, October 13th - Sunday, October 20th

Time for “vacation” In the photos we took and posted are beautiful mountain ranges, conquered fears, crystal clear oceans, and lots of smiles. On the other side of those photos was a lot of time spent mourning and grieving. While I'm so thankful to have the opportunity to have moments like these it does not change how hard these past few days/weeks have been. I'm so proud of the steps Jacob and I took to enjoy this vacation as much as we could. I'm happy to say we have learned so much and are a stronger couple now than we were just weeks ago. But I would be lying if I uploaded all those smiles and didn't share the tears that were behind them each and every day. At the dinner table. On the beach. At the top of a mountain. There's no convenient time to suffer loss. While others might forget, Jacob and I will not. While others might feel it's time to move on, I'm not ready to. While others think we are supposed to smile, we have to cry. Don't mistake this for a pity party, but understand that miscarriage is excruciating on your mind, body, and soul. It's time we start being more honest with ourselves and others with the state of our hearts. I wanted to shed some light on our week. I wish I could say our vacation was all I hoped for and that I experienced so much healing during this time as I wished I was going to, but I didn't. I hope this encourages someone else today to know that it's ok to not be ok for a while and to be a little more honest with themselves and others about the state of their heart. I'm confident God has a plan for this as he works all together for good. 

Monday, October 21st 

I went back to work today and spent the night before sleeping a total of 2 hours and having panic attacks all night long. I spent my lunch break having one of the worst panic attacks I ever had, my breathing was so stifled I almost called 911 I was sure I was going to pass out. I walked away into the back office and cried for over an hour because someone asked me if I had kids… I’m feeling like it’s impossible to live in this world now. This whole process and loss hurts more now than it did when I found out or as I was living the miscarriage itself.  I am literally dragging myself out of bed day to day as a necessity and 3 times my normal dose of meds still aren't doing the job. So I guess the whole gist of this whole story is… It’s ok to not be ok... 

...I struggled with where to end this post because truly the end of this post isn’t the end of this process, but I hope this gives you insight into the brokenness of this process for so many women. I’m happy to answer any and all questions surrounding this devastating situation. Education is power, in all circumstances. 

[harrieatthemet]

Holiday: Chapter 14

A/N: you’ve all been waiting.... here it FUCKING is. I cannot deaaaaaal.

I had become a pro at dodging phone calls. I’d left Harry the voicemail a few days ago, and he had returned it only a few hours later. Too caught up with Anne in the bathroom, I got to my phone just after the call ended. After that, I couldn’t bring myself to call back. He’d call again the next day. Actually, he called a couple times throughout the day. And the next day too, and sprinkle in a few texts. ‘Are you okay?’ Or ‘Why aren’t you answering?’. He’d call Anne, as her week and a half long vacation here came to a close, and she’d brush it off. She’d lie, as I sat vertically across the table from her, telling her to keep it vague. So when he’d ask what I was up to, how I was feeling and if I was functioning like a normal human being, she’d assure him I was as well as could be expected. ‘Keeping herself busy with work’ she’d say, before cleverly rerouting the topic.

She wasn’t lying, honest to God. I truly have been keeping myself busy with work, and had even bitten off a little more than I can chew. I’d made it my job to call over to New York at least three times a week, if not more, just to make sure Molly hadn’t let my dad wither away and hide in his room. She’d call every night, sometimes so late, in the middle of an anxiety attack. Her voice was practically inaudible as she wept loudly into the receiver, leaving me puzzled and incapable of aiding her. In addition to that, I’d taken on a few extra clients to keep myself busy. I found that too much time to myself made me prisoner to my own thoughts, and I wanted to avoid that at all costs. Having Anne here definitely helped, especially since Penelope was being an exceptional handful. When Harry went away, she usually was, since he indulged her in endless attention. 

I had a fistful of hair bunched up in my hand, and I pondered whether or not to just tear it right out of my head. A few blueprints were strewn about on the table, mocking me as I tried to figure out what the fuck to do with them. I was running on next to no sleep, since Molly had called at 1 am and wouldn’t hang up until close to 4. Anne was kind enough to help get the kids to school, in fact she was more than willing. 

She loved dressing them for school, and she’d been snapping photos of them with their little backpacks the entire time she’s been there. She’d let Quinn hang back, sparing him from daycare so she’d have him around all day. I think her favorite part of the entire endeavor was dressing Penelope in the morning,  picking out the prettiest outfits for her. She’d enjoyed watching Penelope teeter into school, linking up with a few of her little buddies from class. I would never accuse Anne of having a favorite grandchild, she adored and doted on all 3. But, she definitely had a soft spot for Penelope. I think a large part of it was because she reminded Anne so much of Harry, so charismatic and a desire to entertain people. I’m sure part of it had to do with the fact that Penelope was the only granddaughter, too.

“Yeh been working all day, Ella.” Anne sighed disapprovingly, walking into my office with a sandwich on a plate.

“M’fine, really.” I yawned, smiling as she placed the plate in front of me.

“ ‘Nd I know yeh not sleeping well, heard y’on the phone late last night. S’not good for you, the baby either.” Anne reprimanded sweetly, frowning at me from the other side of my desk.

The word baby seemed to be a trigger word for me, and my lip instantly found itself in between my teeth as I gnawed at it viciously. I had forgotten all about that, in the midst of everything else going on. It was the reason I was avoiding Harry, because I knew if I’d answer one of his calls I’d unintentionally blurt it out. He was due to fly back to LA in a few days, and I was anxiously anticipating his arrival. We hadn’t really spoke in almost 3 weeks, and the fact that one of the first things we’d discuss is a fourth baby made me lightheaded. As Anne reminded me about my pregnancy, I begun to wonder how Harry was gonna react. Would he be happy? Did he want a fourth? Maybe he didn’t, maybe four was too many. We hadn’t really left off on the best terms, either. I didn’t know if he’d still be a little upset with me when he got back, or which Harry I’d be getting. 

“Dont need t’worry about me Anne. I promise I’m alright.” I forced a smile, bringing the end of my pen to my mouth.

“Y’speak t’Harry at all yet?” Anne frowned, shooing the pen away from my mouth as I nibbled at it subconsciously. 

“Uh, no,” I whispered, re-occupying myself with a sketch, “haven’t had a minute to call him.”

“Because,” Anne hissed, moving the paper from in front of me, “yeh not makin’ the time. Should really relax, not good t’put all this stress on y’body.” 

She did, in fact, have a point. With my mom passing, my workload doubling, and of course the pressing needs of all 3 of my kids, I had put an undeniable amount of stress amongst myself. But I had to, because if I didn’t I’d have too much time to think and that is the last thing I needed to do. Anne had been practically babysitting me the past few days, more than she was the children. She’d check in on me every morning, and make sure all my needs were met every night before I’d go to sleep. The house was pristine, the cleanest it’s probably ever been. She was extra attentive to the toys Quinn would leave laying around the house, scolding him before telling me ‘gonna slip on one o’these if y’not careful’. She’d be right there, when the morning sickness was just about to get the best of me, with a tall glass of water and a few saltines. I was unspeakably grateful, and the thought of her leaving tomorrow made me a little solemn. 

“Can’t eat,” I’d grumble, the mere sight of food making my stomach ache unbearably, “lost any and all taste for meat.” 

“Little bean doesn’t like meat, hm?” Anne would coo, speaking directly to my belly.

Anne was absolutely over the moon about this fourth baby, and spoke to my belly constantly throughout the duration of the day. When she read the pregnancy test she practically cried. She had started calling it little bean not long after, though she had been gushing to me about how she was absolutely sure it’d be a girl. The mere thought of having a girl made me fear Penelope’s reaction, as she quite enjoyed being daddy’s only princess and relished in the attention. I knew it was killing her, not being able to tell Harry, and for respecting my wishes I was even more appreciative of her (if it was even possible to be). 

I, on the other hand, wasn’t really sure about how I felt in regards to another baby. A pregnancy couldn’t have happened at a worse time, as me and Harry had only just started up again, and we clearly were still working out the quirks. On top of that, I was still reeling from the blow of losing my mom. Everything felt like it was being catapulted at me, at warps speed, without allotting me anytime to collect my thoughts. Having three kids already was enough of a job, especially since all 3 of them had very demanding personalities. I didn’t know how the kids would react to a fourth sibling, and for that reason I had kept it to myself. Anne had been badgering me to go for an ultrasound, to know what was going on and get an idea on how far along I was. And I kept promising I would, that I’d do it tomorrow, but each day would come and go and I’d only continue to put it off. 

“Four grandkiddies,” Anne sighed happily, “s’just a dream. Y’making me the happiest nana in th’world, sweetheart.” 

“M’glad to hear it.” I smiled warmly.

“Make me even happier if yeh’d take a nap, maybe nibble on somethin’ too.” She’d instruct, batting her lashes at me as she coaxed me into following her orders.

I hung my head, chuckling at her attempts to mother me so kindly, before I hesitantly agreed. She smiled proudly, placing a quick kiss to my temple as I strolled out of the room. The house was quiet, since Penelope and Brayden were off at school and Quinn was napping, and I enjoyed the nice lull of silence that was replacing the usual shrieks and squeals. 

I hadn’t even gotten halfway across the first floor, en route to the kitchen as ordered by Anne, before I had to completely stop in my track. An all too familiar head rush overcame me, as the room started to blur a bit. My hand subconsciously flew out to the wall, using it to regain balance while the room twirled. I had to shut my eyes for a second, my dizzy spell making my knees go a little weak. It seemed as though they were starting to get noticeably worse, especially if I’d be walking or standing for too long. I hadn’t mentioned it to Anne, because I knew all too well it’d send her into a frenzy and then she’d really be itching to tell Harry. She was already worried enough, and telling her about dizzy spells that were common for the most part seemed unnecessary. 

I settled into one of the barstools at the kitchen island, force feeding myself a few apple slices. Anne had sauntered in not long after me, claiming it was so she could start dinner but I knew it was more because she wanted visual proof of me eating something. She was chattering away with me, about silly little things mostly but she’d slip in a conversation or two about the baby. I didn’t know if she could tell that I was monotone when she’d bring it up, if it gave away the slight disinterest I had. And the more she’d go on about it, talking about who’d she think this one would look like, or spewing name inspiration, I couldn’t help but feel so awful. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t get excited about the idea of fourth baby. It had always been a dream of mine, growing a big family and having a lot of kids. Even before our split, I had clued him in on wanting a fourth, and at the time he wasn’t against it. But how would he feel about it now? 

“Phone’s buzzing, love.” Anne voiced, turning around from the stove and nodding to my phone.

“I know, it’s fine.” I answered, hoping she’d let it go and not ask who it was.

“Know it’s Harry.” She murmured, turning her back to me and fixing her attention to the stove, “Should really talk t’him, think he’s worried.” 

I was quick to let my fingers hover above the phone, debating on whether or not I wanted to answer the call. My thumb decided for me, as it quickly smashed itself on the screen before hitting the end call button. I could hear Anne tsk me from her spot in front of the stove, subtly shaking her head. I was about chime in, doing my best to explain to Anne that it’d be better to tell him in person, but a familiar cry could be head through the baby monitor sitting just beside the fridge. Quinn’s subtle crying turned into wailing, and I hissed as the octave of his voice came screeching through the speaker.

“I’ll grab him.” I breathed out, Anne turning around to fight me on it.

“S’alright love, eat.” She shooed, following me as I walked towards the stair.

“Really, I got him.” I insisted, turning on my heel and going towards the step.

“Oi,” Anne yelped, “Ella! Watch!”

I hadn’t even had the opportunity to ask her what she was screeching about before I could feel the sharp pain stinging the bottom of my foot. Brayden’s little toy car, which he seemingly had forgotten at the foot of the staircase, punctured the sole of my foot. And as if the pain of the spiky thing wasn’t bad enough, the thing faltered my balance before it went gliding across the floor. Anne had dome her best to get across the hall, but not quick enough. My ankle twisted slightly before the front of my body went hurling itself onto the staircase. I threw my hands out in front of me, to soften the blow, but my timing was delayed. I could the front of my forehead smash against the foot of the stair, knocking me out clean. 

“Christ, Ella.” A familiar voice groaned, coaxing me out of sleep.

I shifted in the bed, a small hissing sound tumbling out of my mouth as I realized how sore my body felt. Tired, and not to mention a little overwhelmed and hazy, I blinked a few times as I adjusted to harsh lighting of the room. I eventually figured out who was standing in the door, catching sight of a very frazzled looking Harry. He didn’t wait there long, scurrying across the hospital room before standing himself on my bedside. His frown was prominent, bags under his eyes a little more noticeable than usual. He looked worried, and stressed out, and I had to remind myself that my tumble to the floor had landed me here in this uncomfortable hospital bed. His eyes flew around the room, analyzing the dinginess of it all while looking a little unsettled. He never really liked hospitals. 

“Yeh busted the bloody thing right open!” He breathed, leaning in a little to look at the small wound just beneath my hairline.

“Thought you were coming home tomorrow.” I mumbled, shying away from his stare.

“I mean,” he started scoldingly, “y’didn’t answer any of my calls, or texts and it was really making me-“

“Your mom was with me. I would’ve made it another day just fine.” I answered defensively, his frown furrowing deeper. 

“Clearly not!’ He chuckled lowly, settling into a spot just beside me, “s’everything alright?” 

I wasn’t sure why he was asking. A part of me started to grow antsy, because I was missing a few pieces and I didn’t want to open my big fat mouth and accidentally give him more information than he already had. I didn’t know how long I was out for, or if Harry came straight here from the airport. I also had no idea if he had spoken to Anne upon his arrival, which meant I didn’t know what there conversation had consisted of if there had even been one. A trip to the hospital was sure to have sent Anne into an absolute fit, and she was probably worried about what my fall had done to the baby. I wasn’t sure if she had let it slip to Harry, although I’m sure if she did he’d be much more cross with me. Of course, I was planning on telling him eventually, but I wasn’t sure how I’d go about it. I had assumed I’d have at least another day to think about it at least. 

“M’fine.” I answered flatly, earning a very judgmental eye roll from Harry.

“Mum said y’been dizzy a lot,” he lectured, “not eatin’ right, ‘nd not sleepin’ much. Really, Ell, yeh makin’ m’nervous.” 

“Well don’t be!” I assured, patting his hand, “No need to panic, told you I’m fine. Mean it, too.” 

“Wanna tell yeh m’sorry.” His tone was serious, his fingers keeping my hand placed above his, “ ‘nd not just for like, one thing. I mean fo’ everything, really, ‘cus I been takin’ yeh fo’ granted. Gonna start bein’ honest with yeh, I promise.” 

Fucking great. If I didn’t already feel like shit, literally and figuratively, I was even worse off now. I knew it took a lot from him to apologize, because he never cared to admit that he was wrong. The whole being honest bit made my chest get anxiously tight, because if he knew about the secret I had been keeping from him for over a week, his head would come spinning right off. Then, I started to feel guilty. I felt guilty because what my mom had said was right. He really did care about me, enough to fess up to his wrongdoings. And, in addition to that, I really had been keeping myself closed off to him. The word vomit was bubbling in my throat, and if the doctor hadn’t walked in the second he did I don’t even know what would’ve came out of my mouth.

“How we doing in here Ms Hansen?” He sung, causing Harry’s face to contort in distaste at the sound of my maiden name replacing my married one.

“Much better.” I lied, the twinge of pain from my cut on my head starting up again. 

“Did yeh talk t’my mum? She tell yeh all the symptoms Ella’s been havin’?” Harry spoke up, swiveling his back to face the doctor.

“I did,” the doctor smiled, grey eyebrows wiggling a little, “totally normal.”

“Normal?” Harry repeated slowly, “Passing out like tha’ is normal? ‘Nd the dizzy spells, all that? Normal?” 

I could feel my heart rate start to excel, as Harry was approaching dangerous territory. I was sure Anne had mentioned to the doctor I was pregnant, if it wasn’t the very first thing she told him. I thought about cutting him off, or asking Harry to leave the room. It was a shit idea, because I knew Harry would refuse to leave and even pick a fight with me about how he absolutely needed to stay in order to hear every detail. The doctor nodded, taking a seat in the medical chair as he whipped out a small clipboard with a few attached sheets stuck to it. Harry was watching him, knee jumping nervously as his grip on my hand tightened. 

“The passing out, definitely not. Poor dieting and sleep patterns can attribute to that, Ella, so it’s important fix that. Especially now.” The doctor instructed, scribbling something down on one of the sheets.

“Yep, got it. That’s it?” I was speaking fast, much faster than my brain was working. 

“Why now? Told me y’were alright, Ella.” Harry’s voice was frantic as he turned to look at me, annoyed that I was keeping him out of the loop.

“The dizzy spells are normal, but take it easy for a little while. You’re starting the second trimester in a few weeks, sometimes the dizziness sticks around.” 

The words that fell from the doctors mouth practically made my heart stop working altogether. My face went blank, my body immediately freezing up as I felt Harry’s grip on my hand loosen. His brows furrowed, for a moment, as I presumed he was repeating to himself what the doctor had just said.

And then a puzzled look swept over his face, “Second trimester?”

[lovebedamned]

05.15.2018;;01:51

So here I am, it’s been almost a year since I’ve been on here and I’m not entirely sure what I’m doing now. I’ve reached a point in my life where I am completely content, I have been waiting to be here for years. I’m incredibly happy with who I am with, where we live, and where we work. There isn’t a single thing I would change. I’m sure that’s why I haven’t been on here in a long time, because I have nothing to talk about anymore, I’m not as depressed - but I still have spurts of bad anxiety. Handling anxiety has been an adventure in itself, and I have someone with me now that’s willing to help me figure out the best path for this adventure too. It’s pretty great, there’s just always things neither of us are prepared for.

One of those things, is me being triggered by almost anything relating to birth and children and anything relating to being a mother. You get it. In three weeks it will be a year since I found out I was pregnant. In three weeks, it will be a year since my entire outlook on myself changed. I’ll never get used to saying that about myself, that once I was pregnant. In 26 days it will be one year since I got an abortion, and still I can say I’m not entirely sure if I regret it or not. Once I found out I was pregnant with someone’s kid I was no longer dating, I thought immediately that an abortion would be the best option. As soon as I saw the test turn positive (all six of them,) my immediate thought was not adoption, it was not how excited I was to be a parent, it was fear. I was terrified. I had just started dating someone else, because things didn’t work out with who I was dating before, and that person and I were no longer on talking terms. The day went like this: I woke up, went to Target and got a box that had three tests in it, my best friend told me, “Just take a test, it will ease your anxiety,” and it did the complete opposite. I took one test, and it was a faint little plus sign, and my heart dropped. My subconscious thought, “Well maybe it’s a false positive, that’s a thing... isn’t it?” So I took the other two, and the faint plus sign became darker with each stick I had to pee on. I fell on the bathroom floor, and started bawling. I called my best friend, hyperventilating about what was in front of me, and she was just quiet, she didn’t know what to do. I got off the phone with her, proceeded to check the time and saw that it was about time for me to get ready for work, so I got dressed and proceeded as if it were a normal day. The next day, I did the same routine - get up, get dressed, go to Target, grab the test, and come home and do what I have to do. I took all three tests within an hour and saw the same thing. I had all six tests, just laid out on my bathroom counter, all six plus signs just staring at me, all at once talking asking “What are you going to do now?” Again, I’m frozen, who do I talk to? I don’t want to call my stepmom and risk that reaction, so I called both of my best friends. One of which thought I was joking until she heard my sobbing. Once I got off the phone with both of them and hearing “Okay, please just let me know if you need anything,” I am staring at my phone, trying to figure out if I need to contact my ex or not. I stared at my phone for literal hours. We hadn’t talked in months (if my memory serves me correct, it is possible it just felt like months.) And I finally contacted him, through an Instagram message of all things because he had my number blocked. My hands were shaking as I messaged him and frantically waited for confirmation that he saw it. He contacted me, and we agreed that an abortion would be the best option. Looking back on this now, I wonder if that’s really how he felt, or if he did it because of my feelings, and our situation. He exceeded my expectations when I told him, he was genuine. He was a man, and came to the clinic with me, and took care of me during/after the fact. That is something I will never deny to anyone, he did what is noticed as the right thing. I thought I was fine, while I was at the clinic, there was no doubt in my mind that I wasn’t making the wrong choice. I went through watching the videos of what is going to happen, watching teenage girls come in with their mothers, and waiting 8 hours to be seen. I went through getting the ultrasound, and the sweet technician asking me if I wanted to see the baby, and if I was curious if it was healthy or not. I went through sitting with a therapist and her asking me several times if this is what I want, if I was pressured into this, how old I am, and if I’m sure (again.) I went through getting undressed and into a gown, proceeding to sit in a recliner in a room full of 8 other women waiting to get the same procedure as me, all talking about it as if it were something that happened on the regular. I went through walking into the operation room, and being laid on a table for two old men walk up to me, one on my side, and one between my legs telling me I won’t feel anything as I felt the needle prick into my hand. I woke up twenty minutes later to two nurses talking over me, and scaring them as they looked down and saw my eyes open minutes after I was wheeled into the next room. After I woke up, I got to sit in yet another uncomfortable recliner next to other women who went through the same surgery just minutes before me, myself being the youngest out of the group of us. One woman commented that I was the only one in the waiting room with a man with her, and she asked if we’re still together, I proceeded to tell her no, and she responded that he’s a real man because he came with me regardless of the situation. I agreed, if he was trying to prove a point, he was definitely getting closer to it. Leaving the clinic, I felt fine. No terrible pain, just my eyes hurting from the sunlight and feeling tired. A few days later, slightly hurt, mainly due to the fact that the man that went with me, actually hadn’t changed at all. But I suppose he was just doing what was promised, and there wasn’t room for anything else, regardless that would be another story. A month later, I still felt nothing. Though I saw my family for the first time in months, and they suspected something was going on with me. Two months later, I told my stepmom finally, and she relaxed me, and told me she would have come with me if I had given the chance. Five months, I’m starting to read articles of miscarriages, and women who are not as fortunate to get pregnant, and I begin to feel terrible. Eleven months, and mother’s day hits... and I begin to think, this could have been me. Would I have been happy? Should I have given the baby up for adoption for someone less fortunate to have the chance to celebrate this gift? I wonder if it was a girl or a boy. If it was a boy, could he have resembled my dad? Would I have been a good mom? What did my ex’s family thing? Do they even know? Do they judge me for it? Does that stranger I don’t know, somehow know and judge me for it? Will I be able to meet them one day when I die if there’s an afterlife? Will they hate me? Probably. And everything hits me, and I’m crying again.

The one glimmering piece of hope I have, is my boyfriend. I told him about the surgery the day after it happened, and the reaction was something completely unexpected. We sat down, I explained anything, and as I was sobbing in front of him.. he stared, listened, and once I was finished, he just held me. He continued holding me as he told me no matter what happens, he is going to be by my side. That was less than a month into our relationship, and tomorrow it will be one year together and those words have held true. He is by far, the best thing that has happened to me. And if I was one for religion, I might go as far as thanking someone above for him.

I’ll always get anxiety, and get triggered into remembering the surgery. I’ll have nightmares about it, and I’ll be convinced that strangers know about what happened. Secretly, I’ll always feel slightly relieved.

TLDR:: I have anxiety, and I had an abortion once.

[like-a-bag-of-potatoes]

My Saviour - Six

A/N: I know I said I would be posting Thursday or Friday, but I’m not going to be able to do that, so I'm posting today instead. A huuuuge thank you to all that has commented, liked and reblogged this, it means so incredibly much to me. Special thanks to my beta @thorne93 and also a shout out to @torn-and-frayed for helping me figure some stuff out for this part. READ THE WARNINGS ALL!!!

Characters: Dean, Reader, Alex, Bobby, Dr. Crowley.

Warnings: Angst, Pregnancy, Physical abuse, A little fluff in the middle (if you squint).

Wordcount: 3606.

Catch up HERE

Dean was restless at work the next afternoon. Sleep hadn't come easy the night before, and you were constantly on his mind as he was trying to think of how he could make things up to you.

He was barely two hours into his shift when his boss, Dr. Crowley, pulled him into an empty exam room.

“What's going on?” Dean asked, confused by the sudden action.

“I've called in Dr. Matthews and she's on her way in to cover your shift,” he explained, giving Dean a stern look.

Dr. Fergus Crowley was a man that just oozed respect. It was something about the way he carried himself, or maybe it was the British accent… whatever it was, people just instantly respected him. He was also a fair boss who treated all his employees with the same respect they gave him.

“What?” Dean stupidly questioned.

“I can tell you’re not on your A game today, Winchester, and I need my doctors to be on their A game,” he said. “I don't know what's going on, but I want you to take tonight off and then come back well rested for your morning shift tomorrow, can you do that?”

“Yes, sir,” Dean said, still a little confused about what just happened.

As soon as the conversation ended, Dean made his way to the nurses station to give them some updates and some notes to pass on to the doctor who was coming to cover for him. The nurses were all gathered around the computer to look at picture of one of their grandkids when the phone rang. All of them looked up at Dean and he instantly reached for the phone and answered, introducing himself as he picked up.

“Hey, this is Bobby Singer calling, do you have a patient by the name of (YN) (YLN) there?”

Dean recognized the man as your boss, and as soon as he heard your name chills went down his spine as dread filled his entire body. “No, she's not here. What's going on? I'm a friend of hers.”

The line went quiet for a bit before Bobby spoke again. “How good of a friend are you?”

“Good enough that I know what's going on at home,” Dean answered boldly.   

“Okay,” Bobby dragged. “She didn't come into work today, which never happens, she always let's me know, and I can't reach her on her phone.” He sounded worried.

“Have you called her house?”

“No. I didn't know if I should, because… you know.”

“I know where she might be.” Dean looked around and saw Dr. Matthews down the hall. “Listen, I'm done at work for the day so I'll go look for her. Keep me updated if you hear from her?”

“I will. Same to you.”

The two of them exchanged numbers before Dean hung up the phone and took off towards the garage to get his car and set off to where you had met the night before.

He hoped that was where you were, and that nothing bad had happened between you had Alex last night.

He drove as fast as he could, his fingers tapping the wheel as he maneuvered through the streets, trying not to let the panic get the best of him.

Relief washed through him when he saw your car parked at the end of the gravelly road. He had hardly parked before jumping out and making his way towards you, finding you in the exact place you had been last night.

“Hey,” he said softly so to not scare you, even if he was pretty sure you had heard the rumble of his engine.

“Hey,” you sniffled, not turning around to look at him.

“What are you doing out here? Your boss called the hospital asking for you when you didn't show up for work.” Dean was standing a few feet behind you because he wanted to keep his distance after the way he had treated you last night.

You didn't answer, instead you held out you arm, handing Dean a small ziploc bag. He looked from you to the bag, then back again before he took the bag from your hand. He turned it around in his hand, looking at the little stick with the two pink lines on it, his heart dropping to his stomach.

You were pregnant.

He took a seat next to you, closer than he had been to you since that night in the emergency room, thinking about nothing else than comforting you.

“How do you feel?” he questioned after a while in silence.

You turned to meet his eyes, something you rarely did, you didn't even try to hide the tears that were making their way down your face.

“I can't have a baby, Dean,” you admitted. “Not in that house… not with that man.”

There was a million thoughts running through your head, about how you would manage on your own with a baby, or what would happen when you told Alex you were pregnant, but leaving him, or the scary though that you really didn't want this baby at all. But you kept coming back to the fact that you could never raise a child in that house, and Alex was not equipped to be a father at all.

“So what are you going to do?” Dean dared.

“I don't know. I have no idea what so ever on how to handle a situation like this.” You let your voice rise slightly with every word, showing your frustration.

“I can't imagine what's going through your head right now, but I have no doubt that you will make a great mom to that little baby,” Dean said. He had nothing else to offer you, no other words of comfort.

“But I don't want to be a mom, Dean!” you exclaimed, rising to your feet, Dean doing the same. “How horrible of a person does that make me? I. DON'T. WANT.THIS.BABY,” you yelled. “I don't want to look at my child everyday and know that it was conceived when my husband raped me in the kitchen. I don't want to look into it's eyes and constantly worry that it might grow up to be like it's father. I don't want to have it as a reminder of all the horrible things that Alex has put me through. I can't bring a baby into this world knowing that I already hate it.” Your eyes were locked with Dean's, glaring at him, wanting him to fix this. He was a doctor after all, he could fix it.

He didn't know what to say, and he couldn't possibly understand what you were feeling right now, all he knew was that you needed him. He took a chance and wrapped his arms around  you, pulling you into his body. For a fraction of a second he could feel you tense under his touch, but eventually you slunk into his form.

The two of you stood there for a while, Dean letting you cry into his shoulder, and you letting yourself be comforted by his embrace.

“Sorry,” you said when you felt like you had composed yourself a little. “I'm sorry I yelled at you, this isn't your fault.”

“Don't apologize,” he said. He gently put his hands on your biceps and looked into your eyes. “I can't even begin to imagine what you’re going through, but I'll be here for you, whatever you choose to do,” he said softly.

“I feel like the worst person in the world,” you said, stepping out of his grip and taking a seat on the ground again.

“Don't say that.” Dean sat next to you, so close that your shoulders were touching. “You are not a bad person, (YN), even if you choose to terminate the pregnancy, you have valid reasons to do so,” Dean said.

“I don't know if I could do that either.” It wasn't that you were against abortion or anything, but the thought of doing that, and having to live with the ‘what ifs’ for the rest your life… no.. that wasn't something you could do. “I don't know… I just… I feel like there should be some kind of happiness when you learn that you’re pregnant, but I feel absolutely no happiness. All I feel is dread and fear and… I really don't know.”  You looked into Dean's emerald green eyes and it was like a wave of clarity hit you. What the hell were you doing? Sitting here and spilling your guts, your deepest and darkest secrets, to a man you hardly knew. That wasn't like you at all. In fact you had made it a point not to let anyone in on your situation. What happened at home was your problem, and yours alone, and certainly not someone you didn't even know. “I'm sorry, Dean. Just please forget I said anything, this isn't your problem.”

“I will do no such thing,” Dean assured, placing a large hand over your much smaller one. It was a gesture of comfort, but your instinct was to pull away from him, and you did. Dean frowned, but he kept on talking as if it hadn't happened. “I consider you my friend, and friends help each other out. Also, I am kind of your doctor, so as soon as you are ready, we are going to go to the hospital and get you an ultrasound and a quick check up, just to make sure everything is good in there,” Dean offered kindly.

“You would do that for me?” you questioned, fresh tears threatening your eyes as his kindness overwhelmed you.

“Absolutely,” he assured, a smile on his perfect lips.

“Thank you,” you whispered. You don't know what came over you, but you placed your head on his shoulder as you let your eyes travel over the lake once more. You felt better now, less scared knowing you had Dean as a friend, as someone you could trust.

Dean couldn't help but feel a little relieved in spite of all this, because bottom line was that you were now going to leave Alex and that was something that eased Dean's mind. Of course the circumstances weren't ideal, but at least you were getting out of that house, and he was going to be there for you every step of the way… if you would let him.

**

It was nearly dark when Dean parked the Impala in the garage at the hospital once again, you in his passenger seat.

“Ready for this?” he questioned, turning to look at you. Your eyes were still puffy from the crying you had done, and you were still sniffling a little, but you looked a million times better than when he had found you a few hours ago.

“No,” you said with a slight chuckle.

“I'll be right outside the door the whole time.”

“Thank you.”

“You don't have to thank me, (YN). This is what friends do,” he assured once more.

“Sorry,” you said quickly, averting your eyes from him and staring at your hands instead.

He thought about making a comment about it, but decided to make it slide this time. Apologizing was like a reflex to you, much like your foot bouncing if you hit that little spot just below your knee, so he knew you couldn't help it, but he also hoped that in time it would change.

“Let's do this,” he said, clapping his hands together before opening the door.

**

Dean hadn't broken his promise, he was right outside the examination room the whole time, waiting for you to be done.

A small smile was playing on your lips when you finally emerged from the room and Dean was instantly on his feet when he saw you.

“How did it go?” he asked.

“I'm further along than I thought,” you said, unable to wipe the smile from your face.

“How long?”

“Twelve weeks,” you said. “Dean, there was a head and arms and little toes… and a strong steady heartbeat. There's a freaking baby in there,” you said excitedly. “My baby.”

“So… how do you feel about it now?” Dean asked, a little spark in his eyes. He loved seeing your smile, how your eyes lit up and how your nose scrunched together, just a little.

“Better. Don't get me wrong, I'm still scared… I don't know what happened, but the moment I heard that little heart beating I just knew that I have to do all I can to protect this baby,” you said, placing a hand on your still flat belly.

“What do you do now?” Dean asked as concern took over his features. You knew the next couple of days where going to be rough, but you had to move out from Alex’s house. There was no way in hell you could bring a new life into an environment like that.

“That's a really good question…” you said thoughtfully. “Do you think I should go to the police?”

“Yes…but that's not my decision to make,” he said, sticking his hands in his pockets. “I'll be here for support though.”

“Thank you,” you said, a warm smile on your face.

“If you want, I can call Sam and see if he has some advice for you?” he asked carefully. He hadn't told you that Sam knew what was going on, and he hoped he didn't have to.

“Really? You think he would do that?”

“Absolutely.”

It took you a few moments to answer Dean. On one hand, you could really use the help, but on the other, you really didn't want to involve more people than absolutely necessary. Besides, you hardly even knew Sam.

“I'll text him and see if he wants to meet for a cup of coffee,” Dean said before you could answer. “And then you can decide if you want to talk to him or not.”

**

No more than twenty minutes later you found yourself in the cafeteria at the hospital, you, Dean, and Sam. On the way there you had asked Dean if he could fill Sam in on the basics, just that you were being abused and that you wanted to leave Alex, and ask Sam if he had any advice for that. Sam listened intently as his brother spoke.

“Do you have any evidence of the abuse?” Sam asked as Dean was done filling him in.

“Yeah, there's medical records, x-rays, and little notes from the doctors who has treated her saying they suspected physical abuse.” Dean looked from you to his brother as he spoke, noticing the shift in you, how you tensed up as he mentioned your medical files.

“And you are willing to press charges? Laying out all the evidence you have against him?” Sam directed his question to you now, making you shift awkwardly in your chair. Sam had kind, hazel eyes, and he had a friendly voice so to begin with you didn't feel threatened by him, but now he was using his lawyer voice on you and it made you feel uneasy.

“Yes,” you said weakly, not dearing to meet his eyes.

“I am not saying this to be cruel, (YN), but you need to know that this won't be easy. You have a long road ahead of you if you decide to press charges, you do have a pretty solid case, but that doesn't mean you won't have to open some old wounds.” Sam explained, his voice filled with compassion and kindness.

“Thank you, Sam,” you said, meeting his eyes for a fraction of a second. “I have to do this.”

**

After meeting with Sam, Dean drove you back to your car, which you had left by the lake.

“Are you sure you’re okay to go back home tonight?” Dean asked for what felt like the hundredth time.

“Yes, Dean, I am sure.” You couldn't help but smile a little. It was strange to have someone so supportive, and someone who was concerned for your well being in your life. “I kind of caught him in bed with another woman last night, so I think I have a few days before I'm in any danger again,” you assured.

“Okay then.”

You said goodbye to Dean, thanking him once more before getting in your car and driving home. For the first time in a long time you felt good, you felt hopeful of the future, looking forward to things to come, and it was a truly exhilarating feeling. You hadn't felt like this since you had been accepted into Stanford, but now there was light at the end of the tunnel.

You parked your car and headed inside the house, the house that wouldn't be your home much longer. You, Sam, and Dean had come up with a plan, a plan that started with you and Dean going to the police first thing tomorrow morning. Butterflies soared in your stomach just at the thought. Of course it was scary, but it was something you had to do, for you and for your baby.

The house was dark, so you figured Alex had already gone to bed. You took your phone out of your purse, sticking it in your back pocket before setting the purse on the table in the hall. You hung your jacket and took off your shoes before heading into the kitchen, figuring you'd get Alex’s lunch ready for tomorrow.

“Oh my god,” you exclaimed as you entered the kitchen, your hand flying to your chest. “I thought you had gone to bed.”

Alex was sitting by the table in the dark room, a beer in one hand, a curled up piece of paper in the other. “Where have you been all day?” he asked in a calm voice.

“Out,” you said quickly. “Driving around… watching the sunset by the lake… I just needed some time,” you explained while you looked through the fridge to find something to make.

“What the hell is this?” he asked, his voice filling with anger as he held out the little piece of paper.

“I don't know.”

“Don't you lie to me.” He slammed his hand on the table, making you jump. “This is a receipt for a pregnancy test,” he bellowed, getting to his feet. “Are you pregnant?”

He was coming closer and closer to you. Panic overtook you and you couldn't move, or speak, all you could do was shake your head vigorously.

You whimpered as his hand made it's way to your hair, grabbing it and yanking your head back. “Who have you been fucking? Is it that Winchester?”

“What? No,” you forced out, your voice shaking as his warm breath fanned over your face.

“Liar,” he bellowed again. “You stupid, ungrateful whore. After all I have done for you, you go behind my back and fuck another man,” he said through gritted teeth.

“No, Alex, I swear,” you pleaded. “If I remember correctly it was you that was fucking another woman, in our bed. I have never been unfaith…”

“How dare you?” Alex yanked your head back a little further before smashing it against the kitchen counter, knocking you off balance.

He still had a hold of your hair as you fell to your knees. Your head spinning from the impact while you felt something warm run down your face. Probably blood.

“How dare you speak to me like that?”

He pulled on your hair again, making you stand up, and it was all you could do not to throw up. Every thought you had in your head was on your baby, and how to protect it, how to keep him from hurting it.

A sharp pain spread through your abdomen as his knee collided with your stomach, once again sending you to the floor. You doubled over and wrapped one arm around your belly while the other helped keep you balanced.

“Please, Alex,” you begged him, tears streaming down your face.

Another sharp pain in your stomach. This time it was his foot that hit you, sending you crashing against the legs of the table. The pain was greater than any you had experienced before and you were sure he cracked one of your ribs, you couldn't even cry out because of the pain.

He leaned down and grabbed your hair again, but just as he had tangled your hair in his fist, his phone started ringing. Alex had set a different tone for the alarm company he had hired to look after his construction sites, so this was one call he couldn't miss.

“If you make as much as a sound…” he threatened before releasing you to get his phone.  

This was your chance to get away, to call for help. You gathered all your strength and got to your feet, clutching your stomach as you stumbled to the living room, closing the door behind you and sliding down in front of it in an attempt to stop Alex from getting in. You reached for the phone in your pocket and held it in both your trembling hands. You were shaking so hard that you could hardly get it to unlock, but when it did you hurried to find ‘Tony’s Pizza’ in your contacts, the name Dean had given his number.

You put the phone to your ear and prayed that he would pick up.

Just after the second beep, Alex was on the door, pushing hard against it so you jerked forward, making your phone fly from your hand and slide across the floor. Another shove on the door sent you forward enough for him to get through and into the room with you.

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[drreporting]

A Feeling

12th December, 2017.

“We should call in sick,” Owen suggested as he nuzzled the back of her neck.

“We can’t both call in sick,” she yawned as she readjusted her sleeping spot, dismissing the idea before it stuck in her head.

“Okay, well how about you call in sick and then I can fall down the stairs at work so I can get off early?” he countered, his hand resting on the tiny bump of her stomach. She wasn’t too far along, but because she was carrying two babies, they’d have to start telling people soon.

“Owen, what?!” she exclaimed, laughing. She turned to face him, seeing the glisten of happiness in his eyes. Bringing her hand to the side of his face, she caressed his cheek and smiled at him.

“I don’t know,” he chuckled, wrapping his arms tighter around her, “I just feel like we shouldn’t go out today.” Truthfully, he had the weirdest feeling in the pit of his stomach, but he didn’t want to tell her and alarm her.

“Maybe tomorrow we can stay home,” she relented, “We can start pretending to be sick from today, tell everyone we’re feeling funny.”

“I like that idea,” he murmured as he looked at her with complete adoration. He observed her messy bed hair, her glimmering blues, her dimply smirk, and her overall pregnancy glow, which was beginning to show.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Amelia smiled.

“I love you,” he said, answering her question, “I’m just taking it all in. You make me so happy, Amelia.” Her smile got even bigger and brighter as she pulled him close for a deep and meaningful kiss. She didn’t think she could get any happier than this.

“Owen or mom!” they heard Ryan yell, “Rosie spilled the baby powder all over herself!”

“And there went our bubble of happiness,” Owen sighed, laughing a little. She kissed him one more time before they went to tend to their tiny brood.

---

The weird feeling in the pit of his stomach hadn’t gone away. All throughout breakfast, he felt it. He felt it even worse once she left to drop Ryan to school. The feeling just wouldn’t go away.

“You okay, Hunt?” Nathan asked as he approached the ER desk, noticing the troubled look on his colleague’s face.

“Yeah,” he murmured, pulling out his phone, “Just worried about something.” His fingers automatically scrolled to Amelia’s contact, thinking of calling her.

“I have a surgery in OR 2 in about 15 minutes if you wanna take your mind off of it,” Nathan suggested, shrugging. A surgery didn’t sound too bad…

---

Amelia sat at the traffic light, hands in her lap as she waited for it to turn green. Owen had been acting so weird this morning, like he would never see her again. It had her on edge as she dropped Ryan off, but nothing had happened and she was almost at the hospital, so she guessed there was nothing to be worried about after all. When the light turned green, she quickly shifted into gear and began to drive across the highway, although something in her mind told her to wait. She wished she’d listened, because the second her car crossed the intersection, someone slammed into her fender, twisting her car around and toppling it over. As she sat, upside down and bleeding from her forehead, she cursed herself for not listening to Owen and just calling in sick today.

“Are you okay?” a voice called out to her. Seconds after, a man knelt down by her window.

“My neck hurts,” she admitted. Her momentary shock turned into fear as her mind ran through all the reasons her neck could be hurting her. Stupid neurosurgery education. In the background, she could hear a fainting dripping of some liquid.

“Can you get out?” the guy asked.

“I should probably sit still until the paramedics get here,” she said, “Is the other guy okay?”

“I’m surprised you even care, to be honest,” he chuckled, “But he seems mostly fine, the jackass.” He eyed the laceration on her hairline and how profusely it was bleeding. “I know you shouldn’t move because your spine could be injured or whatever, but I think being upside down is gonna cause you to bleed out from your forehead.” Amelia brought a hand to her head and touched where it hurt. The second she did, the faint dripping she heard from before stopped. Bringing her hand to her vision, she noticed that almost the entire thing was covered in blood. Just then, she heard sirens.

“Hey, lady,” the guy called, seeing that she was about to pass out, “Don’t fall asleep, okay? Don’t-“

“Tell the paramedics I’m…” she whispered before losing consciousness.

---

Owen stood in the OR, opposite to Nathan, as he observed the lung transplant surgery. Still feeling nervous about Amelia’s whereabouts and wellbeing, he could barely pay attention to the surgery. He was about to tell Nathan he wanted to leave when he heard his name over the intercom.

“Hey, Owen?” It was April. “We kinda need you in the ER.”

“I’m kinda busy here, Kepner,” he responded, refocusing on the surgery.

“It’s important,” she urged as discreetly as possible, due to the fact that others were listening to their conversation.

“This is important,” he countered.

“Owen, would you please…”

He was beginning to lose his cool. “What could be so important in the ER that-“

“It’s Amelia,” she finally blurted out, receiving concerning looks from other staff members, “She got in an accident.” Owen finally looked up at April, feeling tears in his eyes already. He’d never run so fast out of an OR.

---

When Owen got into the trauma room, it was pure chaos. There were doctors all over, prodding poking, quarrelling while Amelia lay on the table, trying to be heard by them. Arizona sat in one corner of the room, unsure of when she should do her ultrasound check, Jackson, Meredith, Maggie, Derek and Callie all crowded around Amelia on the table while Richard, Bailey, Alex, Stephanie and Jo tried to tell them what to do. It was mass confusion.

“I said I’m fine,” Amelia groaned.

“You’re not fine, Amy,” Derek berated, “They pulled you out of your upside down car. You lost a lot of blood and your neck could be broken.”

“If my neck was broken, I’d probably be dead by now,” she countered, rolling her eyes.

“I don’t see any internal bleeding,” Meredith announced as she moved the ultrasound probe around, “Her stomach’s a little distended though.” She briefly looked up and noticed Owen staring at all of them. “Somebody take him outside.”

“No,” Owen said, finally finding his voice. He walked over to her side and took her left hand in both of his. He kissed her forehead and asked, “Are you okay?”

“I want to know if the babies are okay,” she muttered as quietly as possible.

“We can check that once everyone leaves,” he assured her, still wanting to keep the pregnancy a secret, “How do you feel?”

“I feel fine,” she answered truthfully, “A headache and probably some whiplash. I just want to go home, Owen.”

“Okay, I need to take an x-ray of her spine,” Callie announced, “So all the unnecessary persons in the room need to leave.” In the background, Meredith’s ultrasound probe passed over something odd. Her eyebrows furrowed as she examined the image on the monitor.

“No x-ray,” Amelia murmured. She looked desperately at Owen, squeezing his hand, “Tell them no x-ray.”

Overhearing Amelia’s request, Derek said, “You need the x-ray Amy. You could have fracture or displaced one of the bones in your spine.”

“No x-ray, Callie,” Owen pleaded with her.

“What?” the orthopaedic surgeon asked in confusion, “Why?”

Just then, the sound of two heartbeats overlapping one another filled the room, making everyone go silent.

““Sorry for ruining the surprise,” Meredith awkwardly announced, “But both babies seem to be okay.” Everyone in the room began to cheer, congratulating the couple.

Noticing the two’s sombre mood, Arizona suggested, “Hey guys, maybe we should give them a minute before we do any more tests?” Reluctantly, the celebrant doctors exited the room, leaving Owen and Amelia alone, finally.

Amelia looked up at Owen, only to see tears threatening to fall from his eyes. “Everything’s okay, Owen.”

“This is my fault,” he scolded himself, “I knew something bad was going to happen and I didn’t say anything.”

“It’s not your fault,” she said, raising her hand to wipe the tears that had already begun to fall, “I had the same feeling too.”

“Why didn’t you say something?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. I thought I was being dramatic.”

Owen knelt at her bed, squeezing her hand tight as he smiled through his tears. “You need to stop getting into car accidents.”

Amelia laughed. “I’ll try.”

“I can’t lose you. We can always make more babies. We can’t make more you’s.” He kissed her hand. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine,” she said, tears welling in her eyes, “I’m just…”

“I know,” he said, knowing exactly what she was going to say. He brought his face to hers and pressed their foreheads together, closing his eyes. “You’re okay, the babies are okay. This is nothing like last time.” He heard her sniff and he opened his eyes to see her crying. If this was so traumatic for him, he could only imagine how traumatic it was for her. He kissed her forehead and let her cry.

Thankfully, she walked out of the hospital with just a concussion, a head laceration and some whiplash. Unfortunately, now everyone knew they were expecting and would probably be talking and asking them about it for a while. At least they’d get to stay home tomorrow.

[jordan202]

My Boys Drabbles - Lucas (Part One)

Thank you @jia911 for proofreading this!

This story is from the series My Boys Drabbles but it can also be read as a independent one shot.

Prompt:

People have asked me to write about Lucas’s previously mentioned difficult birth. I stretched it and made it all the way from the discovery of the pregnancy and I plan to take it all the way to parenthood. @hurricaneawelia and @cizavilation are the minds behind this prompt.

Timeline:

This one sets after Omelia’s fight and make up around 13x09 (you can read that HERE) and it intertwines with the events of THIS. When this story starts, they’ve been married approximately for 7 months.

My Boys Drabbles – Lucas (Part One) 

Amelia distractedly looked over her phone, trying not to focus on the clock, otherwise those minutes would never pass. It wasn’t the first, second or even third time in her life that she took a home pregnancy test. As expected, she was a little anxious and nervous about the result but deep down she knew it was most likely a new negative.

About seven months before, she’d married an amazing man who had introduced her to a world full of new possibilities. When Amelia’s first insecurities had started to show, right in the moment she’d decided to share some of her past with him, Owen had been amazingly supportive, revealing to her a scarred part of himself to let her know he was just as invested in making their relationship work. That had led Amelia to jump in with both feet, becoming instantly excited about the idea of starting a family with him.

But it hadn’t taken the neurosurgeon long to find out once again that demons from the past always caught up with a person, no matter how hard one tried to avoid their presence. A deeply buried box of feelings, insecurities and traumatizing experiences had emerged the minute Amelia had started dealing with long avoided emotions. Soon enough, completely taken over by fear, she had repeated what had often worked as a defense mechanism before and ran away as fast as she could, denying every feeling within herself.

To her surprise, Owen had followed her and he’d given her the strength Amelia hadn’t known she needed to move on. Her husband had held and comforted her while actually listening. He had understood and in that moment, Amelia knew that that was the man she wanted to build her entire future with.

Knowing about her reservation about becoming pregnant, Owen had patiently suggested they considered other possibilities. Even though that had comforted Amelia back then, at the present moment she was leaning towards the traditional course. She wanted to carry Owen’s baby, knowing this would make his biggest dream come true. Her husband had never pushed her to do it, even though he had confessed that seeing her pregnant with his baby was one of his most latent desires. And slowly, over the six months they’d been together, Amelia’s excitement about having his baby had progressively overcome the fear that had once been so flagrant.

Of course Amelia still had doubts and insecurities. She knew those would never vanish. But right now, there was also hope. And the undying certainty that no matter what happened, with Owen by her side, they were capable of going through anything.

She was so distracted by her own thoughts that her eyes took longer than needed to examine the stick. Just the previous week, Amelia had taken one of those and it came back negative. Over the past six months she and Owen had casually discussed trying again but never really making an official decision. She hadn’t stopped taking the pill but was being way more reckless than usual. Which was why the two lines on the home pregnancy test shouldn’t have surprised her.

But they did.

The surgeon sat on the toilet for what felt like hours, examining the life changing information in her hands. Amelia thought about how once, about six weeks before, she had asked Owen to put a baby inside of her on the same morning she’d told him she was going to add his name to hers.

Owen had been exhilarated when she’d shared her desire to have a traditional, boring, ordinary life with him. It had always been his biggest dream to have a big family with wife and kids. Amelia knew this moment would be an unforgettable one for them. And she couldn’t wait to tell him.

.

Owen stood still while holding his wife fiercely in his arms. She had just given him the most amazing news. He had come home on an ordinary evening blissfully unaware, only to find out that that day would turn out to be nothing but ordinary.

Amelia was pregnant with their child and never in his life had he felt prouder. Not only was she carrying his baby, she was also excited to be doing so. The last time Owen had received news such as those, his heart had been shattered into a thousand pieces. A part of his soul had been taken the day he’d had to sit through the procedure that had robbed him of the possibility to become a father. But all was different now. And Owen had to cling to that with every fiber of his being. He couldn’t afford losing another part of his soul. He wasn’t sure he would survive it.

“Owen?” Amelia called him out, seeing he had his arms still tightly wrapped around her and didn’t seem to want to let go.

His lack of response made her frown and let her know something wasn’t right. Gently, Amelia pulled apart, unconsciously holding onto the diamond ring that represented the promise he’d just made to her. Owen had vowed that he would always be there for her and their child. She believed him with everything she had. Owen was going to be an amazing father just as he was an amazing person. The family man in him was very much alive and Amelia loved it.

“Babe, what’s wrong?” She forced him to look at her and noticed a dark shadow clouding the usual liveliness of his light blue eyes. “Are you okay?” Amelia hesitated, startled by the expression on his face. That was not at all what she’d expected to see. “Are you… Are you having doubts about this?”

Owen kept looking at her as if he was frozen in time and space and Amelia swallowed hard, fearing the words that would come out of his mouth when he eventually spoke. The fact that she had no idea what was on his mind was scary and startling, but Amelia was doing her best to contain her anxiety.

“You’re keeping it, right?” Owen asked with a hoarse voice and Amelia could swear he was going through a painful battle of emotions. He knew Amelia wanted to have kids and she wouldn’t get rid of them because she didn’t want to be a mother. But maybe her fear of carrying a child would lead her to do it. He needed to know. Owen needed to be sure because once he let himself get involved, he knew he would be instantly carried away with an undying love for their kid. And he couldn’t risk losing another one.

His doubt hit her harder than she would have imagined. Amelia wasn’t offended by his question because she understood where it came from. Several times before, they’d discussed her traumas and he’d understood every reservation she had about having a child because of what she’d been through.

But very few times they’d gone over the fact that once Owen had lost a child too. He hadn’t been able to hold his baby in his arms but the pain and agony had been there all the same. He’d desired a child, conceived one and ultimately had been denied the possibility of being the father he had always dreamed of being. Amelia didn’t know what that was like, but she could imagine that like her, he had also gone through soul shaping pain and the repercussion of that trauma was the fear stamped in his eyes when he’d asked her that simple but very important question.

“Of course I’m keeping it,” She teared up as their eyes met. Amelia could spot all the expectation and anxiety there and his smile of relief when she answered his question made her heart swell with emotions. “Owen, this is our child. I’m in this for real. This is us building a family together. I’m all in, I want this… More than anything, I want this.”

Owen didn’t have good enough words to express how he felt. Before Amelia could see it, she felt him kneeling down in front of her, gently reaching out for her shirt. She was pulled forward when Owen’s arms wrapped around her hips and his lips touched the sensitive skin below her bellybutton.

Amelia chuckled and dug her fingers through his hair, hearing the delicious sounds of the kisses he was planting on her lower belly. Owen smiled as he rejoiced in that new reality. His wife was pregnant and he was able to thoroughly enjoy it, rather than having to spend his time convincing her why she should keep it. Amelia had been pregnant once but that experience was entirely new for her too because in her previous pregnancy, she had been all alone. That was not her reality anymore.

“How far along are we?” Owen asked, splaying one hand on her lower abdomen, proudly.

Amelia noticed his choice of pronoun and smiled lovingly at him.

“I don’t know, I just took the urine test today… But considering my last period I’d say we’re about five or six weeks.”

“So it’s very early on,” Owen held her hips and kissed her non existing bump once again before standing up to stare into her eyes.

“It is,” Amelia confirmed with a head nod, unable to stop smiling. Her top was still pulled up when she pressed her body against his.

“Good,” Owen added with an approving smile. “I want to enjoy every single moment we possibly can.”

Amelia saw the excitement in his eyes and couldn’t help standing on the tips of her toes to give him a kiss on the lips.

“Do you want to find out tomorrow?” She asked him excitedly. “With the Ultrasound, I mean? We can find out exactly how far along we are.”

Amelia hadn’t yet taken a blood test to confirm the pregnancy but she was fairly sure she was indeed pregnant. After her first urine test came back positive, she’d taken another and it’d showed the same result. She was also a few weeks late and that never happened.

“Of course I do,” Owen replied with happiness stamped in his eyes. He still couldn’t believe it was real. “Do you think we’ll be able to see the heartbeat? I really want to see the heartbeat,” He realized.

“Absolutely,” Amelia replied, contaminated by his effusive joy. Despite all her reservations and fears, she also couldn’t wait for that moment.

.

Later that night, Amelia wasn’t surprised when, the minute she crawled into bed, Owen held her in his arms and captured her lips on a tempting kiss. His smile when he pulled apart said it all and she rolled over to his top, allowing him to undress her.

Owen lay back against the pillows, fully admiring his view as he slowly pulled Amelia’s shirt up through her arms. His hands rubbed her arms affectionately and she leaned over, holding his face between his hands as she pulled him in for another long, passionate kiss.

Amelia felt the warmth of his hands going up and down on her naked back, sending shivers through her spine. She got Owen rid of his clothes and watched with delight as he carefully laid her on her back, touching her with more delicacy than he ever had before.

“Are you afraid to touch me?” She teased him, knowing he probably didn’t even realize he was doing it.

“What?” Owen furrowed his forehead defensively. “Of course not.”

Amelia smiled mischievously, knowing he was lying. His body language said it all.

“Owen, I am pregnant, not sick. I won’t break into two pieces. You don’t have to touch me like I’m made of crystal.”

He looked again into her eyes, tempted to deny he was being overly careful but her teasing voice and loving stare ended his defenses. With a chuckle, Owen admitted what he had unconsciously been doing.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was doing it,” He confessed, twitching his lips playfully.

“It’s okay,” She stroked his cheek with her thumb affectionately. “I won’t break,” She reinforced but when her smile went from sweet to plainly dirty, Owen knew more was coming. “I might bend, though.”

He let out a loud laughter at her witty remark and returned her smile, supporting his weight on his elbows before leaning over her to kiss Amelia at his will. His hands ran through her body as did his lips. Owen’s fingers were dancing on the hem of her pants as he was about to pull them down when something caught his attention.

“What is this?” He stopped the trail of kisses and lifted his neck to take a closer look.

Amelia’s body protested the loss of contact with his lips but she tried hard to regain focus, belatedly processing his question.

“What?”

“This,” Owen pointed to a tiny dark mark on the side of her hips. It was almost invisible and he had to squint to read when he realized there was something written on there.

“Oh,” Amelia smiled sheepishly when she realized what he was talking about. “It’s a date.”

“A date…” Owen frowned in confusion, realizing she was right. The outline of numbers was clear then. “Since when did you have that tattooed there?”

“For a couple of months now,” Amelia confessed with a big grin, amused by the surprise in his eyes.

“What?!” Owen was taken aback. “How come I never noticed this until now?”

“Because you didn’t look,” Amelia loved the confusion in his eyes and took a deep breath before explaining, smiling widely. “You’re usually too busy with your hands all over me to notice anything… Not that I’m complaining, though,” She bit her lower lip, flashing him with a lustful smile. “Also, it didn’t help that the lights are usually off.”

“But…” Owen was surprised and disappointed at himself for not noticing before. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I wanted to see your reaction when you noticed it,” She confessed with a large smile, unknowingly seducing him with a sight of her dimples. “And to be honest, at this point I had nearly forgotten about it.”

“But why did you do it?” Owen caressed her hair gently, reveling in the image of the dark locks spilled across the white pillow. “Why did you have those numbers tattooed there?”

“It’s our wedding date,” Amelia confessed with a child like smile, excited to see his reaction.

“Really?” Owen’s face went from shocked to amused. He bent over her and examined the tattoo once again before facing her again. “I can’t believe you did this…” He added with a proud smile. The significance of the gesture touched his heart deeply. “You know what, I actually can… This kind of stuff shouldn’t surprise me anymore,” Owen shook his head in playful denial. “But I have to be honest and admit it still does,” Owen held her face possessively with one hand and stared deeply into her eyes. “You are amazing.”

Amelia smiled back and felt the meaning of his words when Owen stole another kiss that left her breathless. That night, he loved her in the sweetest way Amelia had ever experienced. Every touch of his hands and lips were filled with love and care. Owen, even with all his intensity and raw masculinity, could still take her breath away with his sweet devotion and burning passion, making Amelia feel the luckiest to have him by her side, creating with her a future that was every day more amazing.

.

Owen sat down by Amelia’s side, excitedly moving on the metal stool by the bed. They were in the obstetrics wing and Amelia had asked Arizona Robbins to meet them there. Even though Arizona wasn’t exactly the best at keeping things to herself, both Owen and Amelia knew she was in fact the best attending at reading pregnancy scans due to her fetal surgery background.

Amelia bit her lower lip, trying her best to control her nervousness. Despite it being too early on to tell anything that might be wrong with the baby, she desperately hoped they wouldn’t have to worry about it for the time being. Starting on the right foot was always comforting and Amelia held onto that hope.

Soon enough, Arizona joined them in the room and cheerfully sat down to perform the exam, smiling widely at the couple. Amelia appreciated it when Owen automatically reached out for her hand the minute Arizona inserted the probe in Amelia’s body, starting the scan.

“Ohhh, there it is,” The fetal surgeon smiled widely, looking from the screen to her colleagues and then again at the image. “Gestational sac looks good, there’s the yolk sac…” Arizona said cheerfully, taking measurements. “Look guys, there’s a good looking jelly bean,” She mirthfully added, pointing to the embryo with a white arrow. “Steady heartbeat. It’s at 110 beats per minute now, which is great. Not much else to see at this point, but according to the size, you’re at six weeks and four days… Does it match your last period?” Arizona asked, looking from the scan to Amelia and receiving an affirmative nod in response. “Alright then,” The fetal surgeon added some notes before she printed the scan. “So according to this your due date is July 15th. You have a long way until then but it’s going to be a fun ride, I’m sure. Congratulations, guys.”

When Arizona left the room, Amelia slowly sat up on the patient’s bed, seeing Owen stand by her side. When their eyes met, she could see he felt as emotional and excited as she did. Without a second thought, Amelia stretched out her arms, being promptly hugged back by her husband.

“I am so happy,” She confessed, taking a deep breath and feeling the familiar scent of his clothes. “And so relieved.”

The words left her mouth before Amelia could have any control. She subtly pulled apart, meeting his gaze at the same time she tried to hide her embarrassment.

“I know, babe,” Owen gave her an emotional smile filled with comprehension. “I am too.”

“Yeah?” Amelia leaned over for another hug, resting her head on his chest as his arms slowly wrapped around her again.

“Absolutely,” Owen reassured her, giving his wife another kiss on the top of her head before letting go of her body.

He helped her get rid of the gown and back into her clothes. Once Amelia was already fully dressed in her scrubs, she fixed her hair while letting him know:

“I want to call Addison,” The neurosurgeon said, absolutely sure of that. “I am going to email her this scan. Even though I know she can’t do my pre natal consults because of the distance, I still want her to be involved.”

Owen knew that the world class OBGYN was probably the one Amelia trusted the most for medical advice and he believed his wife should do whatever made her feel safest. Addison was a trusted friend who had been by Amelia’s side through her first pregnancy and it made all the more sense that Amelia found comfort in her support.

“Sure,” She gave him a pat on the back as they left the room. “But would she be involved in the labor too? How would that work? I mean, we need someone who’s here that we can call and see in case we need to.”

“Arizona can do that.”

“Arizona is not an obstetrician,” Owen informed her, very seriously. “She can do the baby part, but someone has to do the mom part,” He decided, absolute adamant that his wife got all the care she needed.

“Fine, I’ll set up an appointment with someone from OB,” Amelia gave in.

“Amelia,” Owen censored her, doubting that she would do as told. He pushed the elevator button and waited with her, seeing how distracted she looked.

“I will,” She insisted, but her voice didn’t sound so sure.

“You know what,” He added with a smile. “I will set the appointment. You call Addison. Deal?”

Amelia smiled in response and gave him a peck on the lips. She trusted Arizona and Addison, and she honestly didn’t think they needed anyone else. But if that made Owen feel safer, she would go to the appointment.

“This pregnancy has barely started and you’re already being difficult,” Owen rolled his eyes playfully, foreseeing that soon enough, a rush of hormones would add emotional liability to his already very stubborn wife. “I can’t wait,” He added ironically.

Amelia smiled and swiftly gave him a squeeze on the butt, making Owen’s eyes grow wide with shock as she escaped through the elevator doors, heading towards the surgical floor. He watched with loving eyes as his wife left and made his way to the ER, still clueless to just how much trouble Amelia would create in the long months that were yet to come.

  --

[balarsen22]

I see J tomorrow! its been almost a month since our last session. I’ve missed her so much. I decided to write her a letter to tell her whats all been going on in my life. Its the longest thing I’ve ever written that I plan  to read to her:

I don’t want to bombard you with a month’s worth of struggles all at once when you’re just returning from vacation so I’m going to start with some positives. There have been good things that happened too and I did have some okay days, and even had a really good day during the last month. I got into an IP group at CSU thats on tuesdays from 3-4:30 that starts this week. the other day Dr Yap asked if there’s any way they could convince me to become a radiologist after I took some especially well positioned rads on the biggest dog I’ve ever seen- I laughed and said I prefer to live in the land of color, but it was a really good compliment. I started cross fit and it’s going to be really good for me I think- the intro classes have been good so far, and I have still been able to do stuff since breaking my hand with some adaptations. my thumb and pointer finger are going to be strong as fuck by the time this is healed. I have gotten to know Colton, the equine imaging intern, a lot more between doing the equine imaging independent study and him being in the cross-fit class, which is good. I really like him a lot and part of me hopes that maybe we’ll become more than friends, but I highly doubt he’d feel the same way. being just friends is always good too. And I got some good news after being really worried about Jake, because she’s increased her water intake quite a bit and wet her bed last week, and she’s woke me up a few times to let her go out to pee in the middle of the night. all the labs came back as normal so far, apart from her usg being a little low, but its not renal failure low. we did an abdominal ultrasound on her, and her kidneys and everything else is normal apart from a small nodule in her spleen that is most likely artifact, and we did chest rads too so we could get a baseline. everything was normal, and since she’s healthy apart from drinking and peeing a lot, i’m not going to keep putting her through tests and procedures. so I’ll just keep an eye on it and I’ll bring her in for a recheck if things continue to progress. Breaking my hand is giving me excellent practice using my left hand, which will make me a better surgeon. I used a lot of coping skills this last month, and have listened to 4 audiobooks. My new roommate Christine moved in this last weekend, i think she’s a really good fit- she had moved all her stuff here using a horse trailer, so I think she’ll fit in just fine. Life went on, and I have continued to break my personal record for consecutive days I stayed alive, and have survived 100% of my worst days, and all those other uplifting sayings. 

Seeing Jeff went okay, but I don’t really trust him and he just doesn’t know me. I didn’t seem to be on the same page as him a lot of the time. And I’m still very afraid of talking about how dark my mind can get when it comes to being back at the CSU counseling center. During our first session I pointed out that I didn’t know what all he knew about me because I didn’t really know how much you filled him in on, so he told me an overview of what you had told him, and that he had heard of me back when i was in iTeam. It was really surprising and embarrassing and it brought up so much shame. i always cringe internally when i think about how crazy and stupid I have been in the past, especially when i think about my sophomore year of undergrad. I tried to move past the shame though and be honest with Jeff during our 3 sessions, and he did have some good ideas. we talked some about how to improve the relationship between you and I, and how I can start to regain your trust. I think the only way I can do that is to continue to be honest and work hard in therapy, and behave myself outside of the office. And if I want to lie to you about something, I tell you I want to lie instead of lying. I don't really know if there's anything else I can do. He suggested maybe figuring out a way to allow you to verify things, like how when people cheat in relationships they give their partner full access to their phone, but I don't know how that would work in here. I mean, Im willing to be held accountable to things by allowing you to ask people to verify things if you want, but i highly doubt you want to. But if you do I’ll sign the forms. Jeff suggested that because I end up lying when I try to explain why I’m feeling something, I should just state what I’m feeling or what I felt. I've really struggled to deal with how alone I feel. It feels like you're the only person that I don't have to hide anything from. I tried hard with Jeff, but I definitely was much more cautious about my words and the topics we talked about and tried really hard not to say anything that might cause alarm, especially after getting asked for awhile about the suicidal thoughts because I marked them on the form (even though I downplayed how frequently I’ve been having them on the form). I guess I wanted to avoid allowing myself to get attention for how much I was struggling so I tried to downplay things a bit. I didn’t consider it to be lying, but now that I’m writing about it I realize I wasn’t being completely open and honest about how I was actually doing and technically that is lying by omission. God damn it. I really didn’t mean to lie to him, I just didn’t want to draw attention to how much I was struggling because I didn’t want to be attention seeking. god fucking damn it. Its been a really rough couple of weeks for me mentally and emotionally, and i guess physically too. I’ve been feeling really low and just don’t have any interest in anything. I wake up feeling hollow and numb and empty and disappointed that I didn't die in my sleep, and as the day goes on I transition to feeling like I have a heavy weight on my chest, and I end up with a lump in my throat, and it gets hard to breathe and my entire body feels heavy. It gets to the point that its painful. I feel like I’m drowning and it feels like I’m going to cry but I never do. I seem to drift to the idea of suicide all day long, but I felt that I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. I can see that people would be affected by my death, but in my opinion it wouldn’t last for long. I would just turn into a memory, life would go on. Yeah it would hurt initially, but I feel like I wouldn’t be a huge loss in people’s lives. It’s not like I’m anyone’s first choice, or second choice, or even third. the pain would come up occasionally at like holidays or something, but they’d be okay. I feel like o one actually needs me in their lives. I’m just a background character and easily replaceable. I feel like I’m not enough for anyone, and I never actually will be no matter how hard I try. And it seems like the harder I fight it the tighter it holds onto me. I've been fighting a lot with the idea that I don’t know if the fact that I struggled so much was directly related to you being gone, or if it was more how I subconsciously believed I should feel with you gone. over Labor day weekend I got high, and for some reason I got racing thoughts about this stuff. I haven’t gotten high since. While high I got the idea to name my factitious disorder “Effy” because it sounds like F-D, similar to how people call their eating disorders “Ed” to separate the eating disorder from themselves. I started to get racing thoughts and wrote down the narrative of exactly what was going on in my head if you want to hear it, but it started out with the idea of “Do I have factitious disorder and do my urges get worse because of my combined depression and anxiety personality disorders acting up? or has effy been causing them all along? What if the only reason I'm depressed to begin with is just for attention. It's like asking what came first, the chicken or the egg?” I struggled with a lot of other similar concepts too- even to the point that if this existential crisis and philosophical moment was because of the weed, or just because its something that I know can happen with it. But basically everything comes back to "is this how I really feel? or is this just how Effy thinks I should feel?". the thought has really stuck with me and I'm really confused about it. I tried bringing it up with Jeff, and he said that either way I still feel the way I feel no matter what the cause is. it didn’t really help because I would use different coping skills or treat myself differently depending on the cause, and I probably would’ve been more open about how shitty I felt like I was doing if I had known it wasn’t just for attention., but i guess either way I feel like shit and I’ve been wanting more and more to give up and die. I kept trying to remind myself that I don’t have to be worse for you to care about me and to make you believe that I need help and I need you, and that I don’t have to show you how much you help me and how much I rely on you by completely falling apart without you, and that I don’t have to be worse to make sure you don’t abandon me or anything like that. but it never really changed how much I'm struggling. So maybe what I'm feeling is real, I'm not sure. It probably made me use skills more at least since I was trying to avoid doing something for attention, but they didn’t seem to help much either. Well, I guess they help in that they're keeping me safe and I haven't ended up needing to go to the ER or anything, but they never really made me feel any better. And even with them I still slipped up and cut twice on 2 particularly bad days, and I’m really sorry. 

I’ve been leaning more towards not reaching out to people at all in case its just the factitious part of me doing it for attention. I’ve been trying to avoid getting extra attention as much as I can. Your absence has really made me realize that you’re the only person I feel like I can actually talk to. Apart from you, I don’t really have anyone to talk about the heavy stuff with right now anyways. There was one day early on when you were gone that I was really struggling, and my mom had happened to call, and I tried reaching out to her but i guess it was more in a way of testing the waters. I brought up how much I dislike school right now and how burned out I feel, and she just said that she’s sure I’ll bounce back soon and just brushed it off. I didn’t try to talk to her about anything else. I went to dinner one night with Megan and Shannon and Cameron for Megan’s birthday on a particularly bad head day, but that left me feeling even worse. had it been anyone besides megan I wouldn’t have gone, but I’m trying so hard to repair that friendship so I forced myself to go. I was with the people I used to consider to be my best friends, but I felt completely alone the entire time. All I could think about was how I wanted so badly to go home and die. How I wanted to find a gun and shoot myself. I did my best to engage in conversation and pay attention, but i felt so alone it hurt. When they finally decided to leave for the bars and I went home, I stopped on impulse and picked up some blades on my way. I cut when I got home. I felt really guilty and ashamed about it afterwards, and but in my head all I could think was that its better to cut than to end up in the ER on a psych hold. The next day I realized how fucked up my reasoning had been and I felt even worse about it, and then to add to it I started to think about how angry you were going to be with me for it. The whole situation with taking a big step back from Megan has been really hard for me. I realized a few days after our last session that even though I thought I could logically think it through, my emotions were still very black and white and I was reacting like our friendship completely ended, when in reality our friendship has been given a second chance. It still feels really devastating and I still get engulfed with feeling abandoned and with self hate and self blame, but  I try to remind myself that she's just taking a step back, not telling me to get out of her life for good and to never speak to her again. It’s been really difficult for me though, and for the most part I’ve been avoiding her. I did try to see if Megan wanted to take the dogs on a walk on saturday morning this last weekend, and when she finally texted me back 2 days later she said sure and that she’d text me when she was up, which would probably be around 9am. on saturday morning I waited, and waited, and she finally texted me around 11:30 that she was up. by the time we met up at the trail, it was already starting to sprinkle and was windy and a bit cold. she had brought cameron along too, which i guess is fine, she just hadn’t mentioned he was coming too and usually he doesn’t go with us. It felt like she didn’t want to be there and that she wanted to avoid being alone with me. Our conversation was light, talking about derby mainly and her dad who just came to town and how he’s doing, and work. Mainly she talked. but after a bit it began to rain harder, and we turned around. It was just a disappointment of a day. I was really hoping to get to spend some quality time with her, just the two of us having fun and working on rebuilding our friendship, and instead of that we walked dogs for about 30 minutes in the rain, after I was left hanging pretty much all morning and planning my day around us going. and on top of that the dogs barely got a walk because it was cold and rainy the rest of the day on top of that. its just frustrating and disappointing and it hurt. I feel like it was just a reminder of how unimportant I am to her now. lately I’ve also been trying to take a step back from hanging out and connecting with Shannon, mainly because she never wanted to or could when I asked and eventually I’ve stopped asking. A big part of me has been wondering if she’s avoiding me and secretly hates me or doesn’t want to be my friend, and I guess I’ve slowly been convincing myself thats the truth. but I also needed to get myself back to seeing her as just a friend and it was hard to do that and keep hanging out, so maybe its for the best. but whatever the cause is, we haven’t hung out just the 2 of us in about a month now. And I’ve been so down lately that i haven’t really gone ahead with hanging out with hurt or holly more. I know that isolating myself from people doesn’t really help, but it hurts less than feeling completely alone when I’m with the people i consider to be my friends. 

I also just don't have the energy or motivation to try right now- I’d rather just curl up and disappear these days. and there’s a part of me fuels that by rationalizing in my head that drifting away from people now means I won’t hurt as many people when I finally kill myself. I guess suicide has been on my mind a lot these days. I hate school right now, even though I should love it. I just don’t care anymore. I want to care, but I don’t have the energy or motivation. Vet med used to be the thing I was living for. And now its not. Now I’m living just to not cause more pain to people than I already have caused. I don’t enjoy anything anymore. If I wasn’t already $100grand in debt I would seriously consider dropping out. the thought has crossed my mind several times. I’ve been skipping class, and lately when I do go I’ll be trying to pay attention, and then all of a sudden there’s a heavy weight on my chest, a lump in my throat, and its hard to breathe. and I just want to leave. I want to go home and go hide. i don’t want to be in class. I don’t want to pay attention. I don’t want to go to work. i don’t want to have responsibilities. I don’t want to have commitments. I just want to go curl up with my dogs and fade away from the world. I care, but I don’t care anymore. at that point, I want to get drunk and kill myself. But all I can seem to do is sit there and stare at the wall in silence. I guess it's like a mental health equilibrium, that I want to do something destructive but my lack of energy and motivation prevents it. I sit there and fantasize about shooting myself, but I don’t want to bring it up to anyone because I feel like its just attention seeking. I start to think about ways I could get a gun, like to just go to the shooting range, rent a gun, and put a bullet straight through my brain. I imagine what it would feel like, to put the barrel to my temple. to curl my finger around the trigger and pull.  I start to think about writing a  goodbye letter, saying how sorry I am but I couldn’t handle it all anymore. but I don’t even know who I would leave it for anymore, and there’s not much else I would say in it but I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to keep going, and that I can’t keep living like this. When you’re drowning in the middle of an ocean with no land or boat in sight, I don’t want to learn to be okay with drowning. I want to get out of the water and onto a fucking boat, or let the end come quickly. because right now I’m out of energy and barely keeping afloat, and there’s no boats in sight. Maybe a boat will come or maybe I’m swimming towards shore, but maybe I’m not? or maybe I’m just too far and instead I’m going to get hypothermia and drown. I don’t want to be alive anymore. I want to stop this pain. I’m all choked up and I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel like I want to cry, but the tears don’t come. they never come. I sit there having a meltdown internally in the middle of the classroom, and eventually I’m able to tell myself that I shouldn’t be thinking of this stuff and that I need to pay attention to the task at hand and put the thoughts in container, but its like the container they go into is heavy and sits right on my chest. Even if I can stop the thoughts, the feelings don’t really go away. I go home for lunch every day now so I don't have to socialize too much, because I’m afraid that I won’t be able to hide whats going on in my head and I don’t want to draw attention to myself for how shitty I’ve been feeling. I know isolating doesn’t help things, and its probably just a depressive episode, so I started cross-fit at the beginning of the month to try and help me get back more into the routine of exercising again to try and combat the depression. I know I need to start working out and running again, but I don’t have the motivation to do it on my own anymore, so I joined cross-fit since they offer classes every day and you sign up for them before hand and getting my moneys worth helps as a motivator to go. I still drag my ass to derby too, but I’ve been pretty closed off with everyone there and haven’t had many ups recently. 

We had a roller derby tournament on the 14th and 15th. The first day of the tournament I actually had a lot of fun and remembered why I fell in love with derby to begin with. It was a good day all around, and I was in a really good mood too. I found out before game one that I was going to be one of the constants on the track (vs rotating in). It was a huge confidence boost for me, as I have always been a “rotator.” I have worked so hard and have come so far in the last year, and I felt like I played my heart out. We won both games. Derby was fun. I was really pumped up, and really happy about it. I hurt my hand at the end of the second game, but the rest of the day couldn't have gotten any better. for a little while, I was able to escape the dark cloud I live in these days. I got to enjoy it. I considered going into urgent care Saturday night after I hurt my hand, but I was afraid i was just making a big deal out of nothing just to get attention. I iced and took ibuprofen instead, and taped it for Sunday's games and tried not to draw attention to it. But day 2 of the tournament was the complete opposite for me from the day before. I got told that morning that I would go back to being a rotator for our line, and it completely crushed my soul and my confidence and my excitement for the day right away. several other things on top of that made it a really bad day for me mentally. I was being a poor sport about doing what was best for the team and was acting like an entitled spoiled brat. I just couldn’t understand what I did wrong on Saturday that made me get dropped down again, I thought I had played really well the day before but obviously I hadn’t. and while my fingers were taped I hadn’t said anything about my hand hurting (even though I no longer had separate knuckles because of the swelling and it ached like a mother fucker), so it wasn’t like I was bumped down because of that. And then even when I did get to play, Bull was acting really frustrated with me on the track which made me shut down even further. I assumed she was frustrated with me because I was playing poorly and kept making mistakes and getting stupid penalties. I was seriously afraid I was going to start to cry on the bench at one point. I didn’t handle any of it well whatsoever. At one point bull even argued with one of the bench coaches that I wasn’t supposed to be going on the track next even though Georgia had wanted to sit one so I was going to go in for her. but with the big deal bull made Georgia said she’d go in. When I skated away to the other end of the bench bull went to say something to me, but i stopped her and just said ”bull, I love you, but right now I can’t talk to you. I need to calm down.” She looked really pissed but skated away. I went up to her at halftime a few minutes later and she said not to take it personally, that she just wanted to make sure that Georgia got equal playing time, which was annoying coming from her since she was a constant on the track. She also said she was frustrated with the refs and the bench coach and not me, but she still didn’t change her attitude towards me. I tried to be a positive force on the bench, but I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to be at the tournament even. We ended up winning all 4 games and the tournament, but I just wanted to die. I wanted to quit derby, even though i had just been reminded the day before how much I love playing. I was so down that I even called my mom on the way back and told her how bummed out and down I had been about having to sit and that it had crushed my confidence, but she made some comment like “well thats how it is” and “there’s no I in team”, and basically told me I shouldn’t be feeling that and how I should just be happy for the team and that we won. It just made it all worse, and I don’t know why I even tried reaching out to her. I guess probably because I didn’t have anyone else. I couldn’t stop thinking that I’m just overreacting anyways, its probably all in my head and I’m probably just being really dramatic and making a big deal out of nothing, and letting it get to me too much. And I shouldn’t have let myself get excited and proud of myself to begin with for it. I ended up cutting that night. After realizing how badly I fucked up again I got even more upset, and I called summit stone. The call didn’t help a ton, but it helped enough. She calmed me down some about feeling so  horrible for letting you down and told me to give myself some credit for wanting to cut so badly for the last month and only slipping up twice. It didn’t really help with fearing your reaction and how bad I feel about letting you down, or the guilt and shame of fucking up yet again, but at least I didn’t cut again that night and I haven’t cut since. She kept trying to remind me that I’m doing the best I can right now, but all I can think of is that either my best is not enough or I should’ve done better and worked harder and I’m not doing enough. Either way, I still feel like shit about it. But I do want you to know that the main thing that stopped me from continuing and got me to call at all was realizing how disappointed you’d be, and hearing your voice in my head saying “I can’t work with you if you’re going to hurt yourself”.  I'm really sorry, and I don’t want to sound like I’m making excuses for what happened and why I slipped up, because there’s no real excuse. I’ve really been dreading how disappointed and mad you’re going to be with me, and I’m really praying that you aren't going to fire me as a client. Especially because I avoided it with jeff both times when I really shouldn’t have. I just didn’t want it to be an attention seeking behavior and I didn’t want it to become a big deal, because I had the feeling it would’ve been. but now I just realized that bringing it up only with you could be considered attention seeking too. god damn it. I’ve been trying so hard not to do things that might be attention seeking, but it just keeps backfiring. 

It turned out I broke my hand during our second bout on saturday and my fear of making it a big deal was bad, and turned out to almost make it worse. Monday morning my hand was still really swollen and achey, and eventually I decided to go in after my equine surgical anatomy rotation in the morning much due to the urging of holly who was my lab partner and saw how swollen it was. I went to CSU’s health center and got x rays, and the doctor said that I had an avulsion fracture. he sent me to PT to get a splint and to make an appointment with the hand surgeon at CSU to make sure it wouldn’t require surgery, but the PT was in disagreement that it was a fracture. The radiologist also said it wasn’t a fracture, but the doctor was convinced. Nearly 4 hours later they sent me home saying it wasn’t a fracture and just had me tape my fingers together. they said that they’d have the hand surgeon look at the rads when he was there Wednesday to double check. I got the rads on a CD and was looking at them at work Monday night to try and figure out what the dispute was about. I thought i saw a fracture, but I also wasn’t sure if I was seeing it just because I almost wanted it to be broken. like something deep inside was really disappointed when the radiologist said it wasn’t fractured, and I hate so much that I had that feeling. It just didn’t feel like how much it was bugging me was justified unless it was broken. Colton also agreed it was fractured, but I didn't go back in because I didn't want to make a big deal of it, and I hated that I had the feeling of satisfaction I got from it being broken. then on tuesday I got a call from the doctor who said he got a second opinion on the rads, and the other radiologist agreed with him that it was a fracture, but I could just stay with it taped until I met with the hand surgeon, but if I really wanted to I could come get a splint. Anyone who's in medicine knows that with any type of fracture you need to stabilize the joint above and below, but I didn't want to give  myself the satisfaction of a splint drawing attention to it so I just left it taped. But by Thursday morning my hand was throbbing so badly in class that i could barely function, so I went back to the doctor to get a real splint for it. I went to American family associates instead of CSU though, because Monday reminded me why I don't go to the CSU medical center. The doctor I saw there looked at the rads and was obviously horrified that it was even a question it was fractured to begin with, and that they only had me buddy taping it to the finger next to it. I felt really validated that I wasn't just being a weenie about it, and realized later that was satisfying the attention seeking part of me and I while it felt good to be validated I also hated myself for how good it felt that she was validating how much it was hurting me, and I hate mself even more for the surge of appreciation and satisfaction when she said ‘you poor thing’. She also had me get an appointment with the hand surgeon at the orthopedic center of the rockies for the next day because she was concerned I had done further damage by not being in the splint. I went to the hand surgeon friday, and was told that while there’s joint involvement the fracture is stable and it shouldn’t require surgery, and i was given a different brace, which he said i can skate in. i have a recheck in about 3 weeks. So basically the entire thing was a shitshow and me trying not to make a big deal of things backfired and made it even more of a big deal, and resulted in me probably getting more attention than I would have had I just gone into urgent care on saturday night. I don’t know how to balance my attempts to not be attention seeking vs making sure i get attention for things that require it.   

I’ve had this huge fear that you would decide while you were gone that you wanted to be just be done with me and tell me to find someone else to work with. After all we’ve been through I know its irrational, but the fear was still there, and now I gave you yet another reason to get rid of me by messing up and cutting. I think its important that you know that I’m terrified of letting you down. Maybe the fear is good, because for the most part it keeps me from self destructing because I’m so afraid of losing this relationship. I guess the thing is I’m trying so hard to do it all and I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted from it, but at the same time i feel like the effort I’m putting in isn’t enough. I’m so afraid of letting you down, especially because you’ve given me so many chances to get my shit together, especially after the last time I fucked up and lied. I’m always so afraid that if I fuck up in any way you’re going to leave me. I’m afraid that eventually you’re going to say that i’m not worth the trouble, that you’re going to decide that I’m too fucked up and demented and attention seeking and tell me I need to start seeing someone else and that you won’t work with me anymore. I keep fucking up and I’m so fucking scared that you’re going to leave because of it, and I guess you being gone has magnified that fear. I feel like the only reason I have held it together as much as I did was because I don’t want to hear the disappointment in your voice or have your be mad at me when you get back. I really wanted you to be happy with me for how I handled everything with you being gone, most nights the only thing that kept me from doing something stupid was the fear of how you’d react when I had to tell you about it. I’m pretty sure you have become my wise mind, because I kept trying to figure out what you would say to me or how you would react if I chose to do something. But there are some times that I still have barely been holding it together. I feel like I handled you being gone really poorly. Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad if I could actually talk to someone without being afraid that I’m just being attention seeking, and I really tried to do that with Jeff, but there were some things that I was too afraid to go into. Mainly, how hopeless and bland life seems and the fact that there was one night that literally the only reason that kept me from it was the fact that it would be a really shitty thing for you to come back from your honeymoon to. I need to be able to talk about it but i’m afraid to talk to anyone about it because I don’t want people to overreact and make it a big deal and land up in the ER or at mountain crest, but sometimes I wonder if I really should end up there. Like during the last part of our session and after I left Jeff’s office this last tuesday, I wanted nothing more than to just die, but I didn’t feel safe telling him that because I didn't want to get sent to the ER. I sort of hinted at it during session, but I didn’t directly bring it up. And the problem was I just really wanted to talk to you, because it feels like the only reason I’m even trying anymore is because I don't want to let you down. I have been struggling a lot while you were gone, and I'm really really sorry for disappointing you and fucking up so much, and all I can do is beg you not to fire me. I know that you being back isn't just going to magically make everything all better, but at least I you know me and understand and can explain to me what the fuck is going on in my head and help me make sense of things. And I trust you and I know I can talk to about anything now, even if sometimes it takes me awhile to convince myself to get the words out. This last month has made me realize even more how much it helps me to come in and be held accountable and to be able to talk about everything, and feeling safe in doing so. I don’t feel so alone with it all when you’re here. I guess I hadn’t realized before you left that it was possible to feel more alone than I already did, but apparently it is. and all of this has made me realize how much our relationship means to me, which is really scary for me to admit to you. When it comes to people I feel like I can 100% go to with anything and truly trust with my life, you’re all I have. and its scary to realize that I depend on you this much. I still don’t know if it’s just Effy trying to show you how much I think I need you, or if this is actually how much I need you. I hope your wedding was everything you imagined it would be and that you hand an absolutely amazing trip,. and I’m really glad and relieved that you’re back. I've missed you so much.