#and their stupid little mindsets that theyre better than Americans as if most Americans and their ideologies didnt come from them

[mypimpademia]

I'd like to take the time to say that I strongly dislike British people

[tigerdrop]

hey i just wanna say the long posts genuinely make my day. also can you talk more about gordon freeman character because the way you write him makes me quake in my gay little boots

i would love to talk about gordon freeman. thank u for the opportunity

the first thing i need to communicate about gordon is that this dude sucks. and i say this in the fondest way possible. he is a bitch from the moment he drops into the world until the moment he goes out. if you dont believe me, give it another watch! gordons mouthy and rude for no real reason, at least so far as “being a regular dude on his way into work” goes, and this dude goes around calling his coworkers names with zero provocation. (of course, we all know that the reason is because its a funny guy improv stream that borrows a bit from freemans mind, but im talkin from a character sense.)

but my argument isnt just that gordon freeman sucks. its that he sucks in a very specific way that i find insanely endearing. i love this dude. i love to hate him. hes awful in a very mundane sense - weve all known a guy like this, at least if youve spent too much time online - and its cathartic to watch him suffer because of it.

gordons a smart guy. as written, hes gotta be - hes a recent MIT grad, on his way to work at a top-secret research facility to do weird shit with crystals and theoretical physics. but the thing about smart guys is that theyre often......selectively intelligent. we can see this in the way that he has a hard time navigating his surroundings, and needs the science crew to guide him through it and keep him alive.

this is one of those things that is a natural consequence of somebody going through the game for the first time, but that i am interpreting as “gordon is kind of stupid sometimes”. its uncharitable but its not like he doesnt deserve it. he likes to boss around the crew as if he knows what hes doing, when he often very much does not, and is fond of demeaning their intelligence. hes real bad about this with tommy in particular, treating him like hes a kid whos playing at being a scientist when tommy is actually a decade older than him. all i am saying is that gordon ought to stay humble. hes awful cocky when he perceives himself as better than others.

which, i think, tracks with how cocky he gets when he gives up on the whole “well-meaning citizen” thing and just unloads bullets into people. he puts up a front of being a Nice Guy, you know, just some dude caught in a bad situation who doesnt like seeing his companions obliterate every NPC they come across, but that doesnt stop him from cackling like a fucking madman and mowing down aliens (and soldiers) every once in awhile. when he stops seeing himself as helpless and starts seeing himself as the one in control, the gloves come off. he gets mean. and i think thats very sexy of him

this, among other things, is why i am insistent that gordon freeman is a control freak. he desperately wants to be in control of the situation at all times, shepherding around the science crew primarily by bitching at them, but its of limited success. its futile. sisyphean. tommy, coomer, bubby, and benrey exist almost to torment him with exactly the thing that would make him suffer the most: a gaggle of people running around causing problems for him, but he cant go anywhere without them b/c hes reliant on them to make it out alive.

its perpetual suffering, and its cathartic to watch. and funny, too. and if youre a little weirdo like me, its very, very enjoyable. how twisted up he gets when nobodys listening to him! how sweaty and frazzled he must look. its cute, and it also makes me want to reach through the screen and shake him and tell him to just be a little nicer. he wants control but he doesnt know how to attain it, he doesnt know how to play nice like a real leader. i think its a neat contrast to gordon freeman as we know him in HL2, where he literally is the leader of the resistance and has to live up to it. this is gordon freeman but if he was moe through helplessness.

“helpless” is, i think, a great way to describe him. a core bit of imagery in half life is this sense of railroadedness and helplessness, with gordon freeman being put into play like a chess piece and having no choice but to move forward. and this iteration of gordon leans into that by being totally dependent on the science crew in order to make progress and Not Die. and hes also subject to the whims of benrey, local eldritch weirdo who has basically made it his life mission to fuck with gordon.

gordons anxieties dont help with that. if he wasnt so fun to stress out and fuck with, the science crew probably wouldnt do it so much! too bad for him that they like fucking with him so much that he was driven into a panic attack (multiple times, even, depending on your interpretation). hes got that real neurotic mindset. always worrying about shit that could go wrong, and attempting to exert control over his surroundings in an effort to control the anxiety.

IMO the real way to nail the Neurotic Gordon Freeman Experience is to combine the ever-present anxiety with his pervasive sense of self-loathing. he openly states that he has no friends and nobody seems to like him, and to that, i really gotta say, i wonder why. he doesnt really seem to factor in that hes kind of a bitch, and has way too high an estimation of his own intelligence relative to everybody elses. its really one of the worst ways to be: aware that people dont like you, but unaware of exactly why. if he was like, 10% nicer, he probably wouldnt have had half as many issues getting through black mesa, but also, its funny to see him squawking his way through the game. so, you know.

its stuff like that that makes me headcanon him as a dude with low self-esteem in general. convinced that hes not likable, not attractive, out of his element......impostor syndrome, except that theres some truth to it. this is a guy who truly does not realize how good he has it: he really is just an average shitty dude, and yet, somehow, benrey took a shine to him. some poor motherfucker out there actually likes him and wants to suck his dick. thats dedication

also, i keep bringing up “repression” when i talk about gordon. and hopefully, what ive been talking about helps explain why. he has a strong desire to be a regular dude, not just murdering his way through black mesa, but if hes pushed hard enough he leans into it. gets bossy. picks up a cigar off a dead soldier and takes a long drag, before smacking forzen around with a pistol and ordering him around. gordon freeman is a regular, kind of anxious guy who likes competitive swimming and streaming on justin.tv and making anime references, and he is also a guy who takes a filthy pleasure in making a trained soldier his bitch. and i didnt make up any of this shit - this is purestrain canon, baby. this is a guy with problems

to me, this screams the kind of guy who represses a lot of shit b/c he doesnt feel like its morally decent. you run into this guy a lot online: the wokeboy, the online leftist, the guy who spends too much time on social media websites. (like reddit. i think he would actively use reddit and he would never get any appreciable amount of karma but he never stops posting. its sisyphean! cathartic.) from the way he talks about “bootboys”, i think it tracks. he knows about imperialism, he knows about feminism, but at the end of the day hes your average american white dude who struggles with internalizing it.

a lot of those dudes struggle with sex and gender issues. (dont we all.) when youre trying to be a Good Person(tm), you spend a lot of time thinking about your own relationship to sex and kink and all that shit. and i maintain that a too-online dude who buries a lot of his control freak tendencies would also try to bury a lot of weird sexual shit in an attempt to seem Normal and Well-Adjusted and not like a little freak. i justify this by the sheer number of times gordon blurts out weird sex shit as a joke. there are only two outcomes to making that many piss jokes: either youre secretly a piss guy, or you lathe-of-heaven yourself into becoming one. i will stand by this

ive talked a lot about why this dude sucks. now, let me talk to you about what makes gordon so much fun to write. first things first: hes funny! a subjective evaluation, yeah, but both in- and out-of-character, hes aiming to be funny. and being the straight man to everybody else plays into that whole “helplessness” thing.

secondly: underneath it all, there is a good dude under there. gordon worries when his companions get hurt, he tries to clean them off and patch them up, and hes got his lil leftist heart in the right place. you could even read a lot of his bossy, bitchy demeanor as him wanting to make sure everyone gets out okay and doesnt hurt themselves. when it comes to animals and anti-imperialist sentiment, gordons a pretty good guy.

hes the kind of guy who would probably see a dog on the street and get excited and play with it, but would get really prickly about the correct way to put dishes in the dishwasher. control freak tendencies.

finally, subjecting such a miserable, tormented guy to even more psychological anguish is really, really fun. you feel a little bad for him, but he kind of deserves it. so many problems he goes through are purely of his own making, and if gordon would just relax and quit trying to hard to maintain control - of himself, of the people around him - and own up to having Problems and Issues, he would be a happier guy. but thats why its fun to bend him until he breaks. being a little control freak myself, putting gordon freeman thru psychosexual torment is cathartic.

when it comes to writing his thought processes, the fact that he is canonically some kind of psychotic (yes, i am boldly claiming this. suck me) and i am also canonically some kind of psychotic makes it easier to write what i think his thought processes are. i just give him my brain issues of “getting lost in thought” and “overthinking fucking everything”. a touch of paranoia helps. even if i dont explicitly label him as schizophrenic please know that i am writing him as a paranoid little nutcase at all times because, uh, you write what you know.

paranoid. anxious. of the mindset that everyones out to get him (which isnt helpful when everyone is out to get him). repressed and deeply Not Normal but trying so very fucking hard to be normal and well-adjusted. a control freak with sadistic tendencies who also really, really likes getting bullied by his best frenemy. a hapless little nerd who sounds really cute when his voice starts to break from nerves. and, most importantly, a dumb jock. do not ever forget this.

thats gordon freeman, babey. hope that helps

[coquuin]

really LONG CHARACTER SURVEY. RULES. repost ,   don’t  reblog  !  good  luck  !

TAGGED. i stole it from Kiki!! TAGGING. whoever wants to do it!!

BASICS.

FULL NAME: Ezekiel Axel Ruiz Rosario

NICKNAME: Zeke

AGE: (Verse dependent) anywhere from 19 to 25! most often tho, i usually make him 25.

BIRTHDAY: November 15 (self given bc he doesnt know his real birthday)

ETHNIC GROUP: Puerto Rican / Latino

NATIONALITY: British-American

LANGUAGE(S): English, Spanish, Dutch, Japanese, Latin, Romanian, some Russian, and some Chinese! he likes to study languages a lot....

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Demi-Pansexual

ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: Demi-Panromantic

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Hes multiship boiiii

CLASS: Upper class, though he really doesnt have very expensive tastes or anything. Seems like he’d be lower class, but. yknow, he is a celebrity so.

HOMETOWN / AREA: London, England

CURRENT HOME: A very small and shitty apartment. Yeah, he could get a much better home bc he does have the money, but... hes weird and likes a more slightly cramped space. dont question Ezekiel, he has weird preferences.

PROFESSION: Guitarist of the rock band Rogue! also used to work at a music shop when he was like 17, but that was back in London.

PHYSICAL.

HAIR: Very curly and messy black hair! He hardly bothers to take care of it. its prolly greasy bc hes a fucking gremlin pls make him take a shower. stinky boye

EYES: BIG OL FUCKIN EYES. they’re brown! a little sunken, and has massive bags under them--rather than the bags being from lack of sleep, though, theyre actually a result of too much sleep! Ezekiel can and WILL fall asleep wherever and whenever he wants. you cant stop him. his eyes are pretty big actually, and very expressive!

NOSE: the bitch looks like its been broken like ten times. he got a weird ass nose. its a little big, but not terribly so!

FACE: scrawny as FUCK. motherfucker’s head shape looks like a fuckin crescent moon. you know that one tiktok meme with the girl who has the weird ass moon lookin head? bitch looks like that a little bit. croissant lookin ass head.

LIPS: very thin! pls get him some chapstick

COMPLEXION: bitch looks like he hasnt gone out in the sun in over 20 years! which, actually, isnt entirely wrong bc he pretty much hasn’t. pale as fuck! his skin looks gray, like a fucking corpse. he looks like a zombie, but i swear to god hes a plain ass human i think

BLEMISHES: a lot! mostly on his body tho, especially on his back.

SCARS: A  L O T!!! his back is literally covered in a shit ton of scars in the shape of upside down crosses, and he has a lot on the rest of his body as well, and several on his left wrist. yeah he, uh... he aint okay

TATTOOS: None! hes way too terrified to get one and hates the idea of one being stuck on his body for like the rest of his life rip

HEIGHT: 6′ 3″ / 190.05cm

WEIGHT: about like... 98lbs?? which is. fUCKING TERRIBLE FOR HOW TALL HE IS!!! LIKE HOLY SHIT EZEKIEL ARE YOU GOOD??? HOW ARE YOU ALIVE?!?!?! EZEKIEL?!?!?!?! FUCKING EAT SOMETHING PL EASE

BUILD: SCRAWNY AS SHIT. HE IS SO SKINNY HOLY SHIT. OH MY GOD GET THIS BOY A FUCKING BURGER OR SOMETHING BEFORE HE DIES JESUS CHRIST!!!!

ALLERGIES: Dandelions! He’ll just sneeze a lot around them

USUAL HAIRSTYLE: The bangs are kiiiinda kept to the side sorta just so its not falling in his eyes, but other than that, he doesnt really bother to like, style it or anything. its just curly and messy. although! when he was a child all the way to his teens, he did have a stupid ass bowlcut! but that wasnt his own choice, so he cant really be blamed for it :(

USUAL FACE LOOK: motherfucker has the WORST case of resting bitch face you will ever fucking see. even when hes happy he still looks angery sometimes!!! but thats literally just his fucking face!!!!

USUAL CLOTHING: a looot of slightly baggy clothing. lots of hoodies! especially wears a lot of black and red, mostly black. also wears mostly boots or sneakers, usually the ladder. he just doesnt really give two shits about fashion, as he’s more concerned with just sorta.. hiding his body. hes very insecure! save him

PSYCHOLOGY.

FEAR(S): "the devil”, getting close to anyone, performing in front of people, people in general, cats, knives & other sharp objects, the sight of his own blood

ASPIRATION(S): "to escape the Devil’s wrath,” as he phrases it. of course, the whole ‘THE DEVIL IS OUT TO KILL EVERYONE I LOVE AND THEN HE’LL KILL ME NEXT’ thing is obviously just in Ezekiel’s head, but it feels very real to him! he basically just wants to be free of the “demons” in his head. aside from that, he also really really reeaaally wants to own an orphanage someday! basically take in orphan kids and help give them a much better life than he had. but as for right now, he fully realizes he’s not ready for that at all, so he’s currently more focused on his music career and getting better mentally, though the ladder is a slow process.

POSITIVE TRAITS: Patient, simple, humble

NEGATIVE TRAITS: Rude, temperamental, paranoid

ZODIAC: Scorpio!

TEMPERAMENT: uhhhh fuck idk i just took a quiz for this and ezekiel got like a tie between phlegmatic and melancholic--but if i had to guess, i’d say melancholic!

SOUL TYPE(S): Spiritualist!

ANIMALS: i always associate Ezekiel with dogs bc. he literally just acts like a fuckin angery dog. and an angery snake or something. bUT MOSTLY DOGS. he will literally bark at people, because he’s a fucking weirdo who doesnt know how to behave like a normal fucking human being

VICE  HABIT(S): uhhh drugs and alcohol are a big thing he does!! and generally pushing everyone away so he doesnt get close to anyone! and also acting like a gotdam ANIMAL. SOMEONE PLS MAKE EZEKIEL STOP FUCKING BARKING AND HISSING AT PEOPLE!!!

FAITH: Christian! his religion is very important to him too!

GHOSTS?: Yes!

AFTERLIFE?: Yes!

REINCARNATION?: He isn’t really sure about reincarnation, but wants to believe it exists.

ALIENS?: Yes.

POLITICAL ALIGNMENT: fuck if he knows. ezekiel could not give less of a shit about politics and hardly knows anything about it bc he really doesnt keep up with anything.

SOCIO POLITICAL POSITION: he doesnt give a fuck

EDUCATION LEVEL: None. he never even went to school, fun fact!

FAMILY.

FATHER: Dead!

MOTHER: Dead!

SIBLINGS: None!

EXTENDED FAMILY: None!

NAME MEANING(S): Ezekiel means “God will strengthen”! I have no idea what Rosario means sadly bc i cant find anything good on it on google :(

HISTORICAL CONNECTION?: None that he knows of.

FAVORITES.

BOOK: He couldn’t possibly pick a single favorite book--he loves a lot! but he loves mostly romance genres! which is so fucking ironic considering he’s fucking terrified of getting into relationships. and even more ironically? he doesnt read any horror genres bc it scares him too much!

MOVIE: he doesn’t know.

5 SONGS: While My Guitar Gently Weeps - the Beatles; Brick in the Wall - Pink Floyd; Stairway to Heaven - Led Zeppelin; Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen; Don’t Fear the Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult.

DEITY: God, Jesus

HOLIDAY: Christmas! everyone expects Ezekiel to be like the grinch or something and hate Christmas, but nope! He surprisingly loves it!

MONTH: March

SEASON: Fall

PLACE: His bed

WEATHER: Preferably a little cold, but not too much, bc he just cant stand being hot--and completely dark outside!

SOUND: Gentle guitar strums.

SCENT(S): Ivory

TASTE(S): Anything thats like. Meat. hes very picky tho

FEEL(S): Skin. As in, like, being affectionate with someone else! He’s just very touch starved rip

ANIMAL(S): Yknow, oddly enough, despite acting like a fuckin wild animal a lot, he doesnt like animals much. but definitely dogs are his favorite!

NUMBER: 20

COLORS: Red and black--though he likes blue as well, especially dark blue.

EXTRA.

TALENTS: Music--especially with guitar! And painting, writing, literature.

BAD AT: Anything to do with math or science and stuff like that; anything that requires physical work. hes p much bad at like.. most things tbh.

TURN ONS: Just like.. be soft and gentle with him... also probably has a lowkey praise kink--if you could call it much of a kink i guess? hes pretty vanilla tbh. hes just soft.....

TURN OFFS: If you go rough on him at all he WILL cry. Also anything that, like, restricts him like ropes or some shit will literally make him panic so fucking bad. basically hes just vanilla as fuck, just be gentle with him pls

HOBBIES: Writing / playing music, writing in general, painting, watching random ass movies on TV until he falls asleep, sleeping, avoiding his problems like the fuckin wind

TROPES: man fuck if i know

AESTHETIC TAGS: literally all of Aurelio Voltaire’s songs; shit you’d see in Halloween (which is funny bc Ezekiel fucking hates Halloween); vampires; satanic symbolism. which is all ironic, bc Ezekiel doesnt actually like spooky shit! but it all sure does give big Ezekiel vibes anyway

GPOY  QUOTES: huh

FC INFO.

MAIN  FC(S): Jack the ripper from, well, Oyasumi Jack the Ripper!

ALT FC(S): None!

OLDER FC(S): None!

YOUNGER  FC(S): None rip

VOICE CLAIM(S): Murdoc Niccals from Gorillaz

GENDERBENT FC(S): iiiiii dont really do genderbends pretty much so none

MUN QUESTIONS.

Q1: IF YOU COULD WRITE YOUR CHARACTER YOUR WAY IN THEIR OWN MOVIE, WHAT WOULD IT BE CALLED, WHAT STYLE WOULD IT BE FILMED IN, AND WHAT WOULD IT BE ABOUT?:

Honestly probably something like the movie Sybil??? like basically just delving deep into his whole psychology and mindset and whatnot and why he acts the way he acts. those are always like my FAVORITE type of movies, and Ezekiel would honestly be fucking perfect for something like that bc literally every single aspect of his entire personality has been molded in some way shape or form by some event in his life, especially to do with the cult he was raised in, and it hONESTLY IS SO INTERESTING TO JUST LIKE.. STUDY WHAT EZEKIELS BRAIN IS LIKE BASICALLY. AT LEAST FOR ME ANYWAY BC I AM HIS MUN AND ALL BUT.

Q2: WHAT WOULD THEIR SOUNDTRACK / SCORE SOUND LIKE?:

for some reason i always kinda associate him with like edgy violin and piano music?? i mean hey rock stars can be classy too fuck u

Q3: WHY DID YOU START WRITING THIS CHARACTER?:

WELL ORIGINALLY WHEN I FIRST CREATED HIM HE WAS JUST BASED OFF MURDOC NICCALS BC, YALL ALREADY KNOW DAMN WELL IM OBSESSED WITH THAT PICKLE MAN, BUT. Now, however, he’s WAAAAAAAAY different and i just love writing him so much bc like. basically like what i said in the movie question!! he is SO fucking interesting to delve into psychology wise. like, yeah he has an edgy ass tragic backstory, but whats neat about that is you can absolutely see how said edgy backstory ties into his mindset and individual habits and how the memories of it still affects his everyday life despite the fact that he’s escaped it a long time ago now. even in the small things he does, chances are is that every single thing that he does is either something he does to soothe and comfort himself for his own safety, or something that has just been fucking drilled into his mind by the cult members and whatnot, if any of that makes sense? LIKE YALL DONT UNDERSTAND I HAVE LITERALLY WATCHED LIKE HOURS LONG DOCUMENTARIES ON ORPHANAGES AND SATANIC CULTS AND PSYCHOLOGY AND HOW TRAUMA LIKE WHAT EZEKIEL EXPERIENCED CAN FUCK SOMEONE UP, JUST FOR THE SAKE OF WRITING HIM CORRECTLY AND REALISTICALLY. LIKE HE STARTED OFF AS SOME MURDOC NICCALS REJECT WHEN I MADE HIM IN LIKE?? 2015 MAYBE??? BUT NOW, MY MAIN INTEREST IN HIM IS LIKE, HOW FASCINATING HIS FUCKING MIND IS IN A WAY. idk im a big psychology nerd but.

Q4: WHAT FIRST ATTRACTED YOU TO THIS CHARACTER?:

Murdoc

Q5: DESCRIBE THE BIGGEST THING YOU DISLIKE ABOUT YOUR MUSE:

him pushing everyone away! like its one thing to have a self-defense mechanism like where you just generally act kinda mean to drive people off, but Ezekiel can really take it to a whole new level and he really can be like.. a hUGE ASSHOLE BC OF IT. its mostly when he realizes that he may be starting to become close with anyone that it really gets to a bad point and he becomes all the more self-destructive. THIS IS GONNA BE VERY UNSANITARY SO WARNING BUT hes literally told someone in an rp once like “YOURE GOING TO FORCE ME TO EAT YOUR SHIT OR DRINK YOUR FUCKING URINE JUST LIKE THOSE FUCKING PEOPLE IN THE ORPHANAGE DID, ARENT YOU???? IS THAT WHAT YOU FUCKING WANT FROM ME?? TO USE ME, HURT ME, CUT ME, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT??? WE ARE NEVER GOING TO BE FUCKING FRIENDS YOU GODDAMN IDIOT!!! WHAT THE HELL MADE YOU THINK WE HAD ANYTHING IN COMMON??” AND ITS JUST KINDA.. YIKES SCOOB! but basically hes willing to say just about anything to push people away so he can avoid getting close to anyone

Q6: WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN COMMON WITH YOUR MUSE?:

WE BOTH FEAR AND AVOID ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS LIKE THE FUCKIN WIND. also when i was younger i definitely had a tendency to try and make people hate me just to push people away like Ezekiel does but im not like that anymore thankfully!!

Q7: HOW DOES YOUR MUSE FEEL ABOUT YOU?:

oh hed probably try to fucking kill me lol

Q8: WHAT CHARACTERS DOES YOUR MUSE HAVE INTERESTING INTERACTIONS WITH?

HONESTLY LIKE.. P MUCH EVERY INTERACTION EZEKIEL HAS IS SO GOOD. Ezekiel is one of those characters where its very hard to have a boring rp bc he just does so much shit, so like no matter who i rp him with, its bound to be amazing. ALTHOUGH I DO NEED TO MAKE HIM INTERACT WITH MORE PEOPLE TBH!!! the only problem i have when writing him sometimes is actually making him talk to new people, bc of his extreme shut-in attitude and whatnot, so he literally just never starts conversations with anyone he barely knows.

Q9: WHAT GIVES YOU INSPIRATION TO WRITE YOUR MUSE?:

listening to any music that reminds me of him! but otherwise, it usually just comes pretty naturally to me tbh. just some days ill be in the mood for him all day--same with a lot of my characters actually.

Q10: HOW LONG DID THIS TAKE YOU TO COMPLETE?:

A LONG ASS TIME