#and then I left because otherwise I'd probably be dead and I hate him. I've never hated someone more in my life other than->

[melit0n]

"On sunny days I go out walking, I end up on a tree-lined street, I look up at the gaps of sunlight; I miss you more than anything."

[aroaceleovaldez]

hey! hope this isn't weird but i wanted to know why you think artemis wasn't up to standards even in the original pjo series. you reblogged from me and so i had front row to your tags on the post about zeus jaja i've not seen people talk a lot about her and it got me interested as i'm a classics student!

- @zoebelladona 🌙

HELLO OH BOY okay so I have half a rant already about Artemis in terms of Rick and general aphobic tropes in the series. see: that open letter on twitter. i still need to transfer that to tumblr. fun fact: Rick replied to that post but deleted his reply at some point. probably because two replies after he replied to my post and word-of-god confirmed Reyna to be ace-coded he left social media for a bit.

Fun times! Anyways.

The thing I dislike about Artemis as she's depicted in the series, besides her constantly appearing as a teenager and the aphobic tropes with that [see: open letter linked above] - which on some level is slightly more excusable than other examples given she's a goddess of young women, but given how he writes Athena, Hestia, and the Hunt instead leaves a bad taste in my mouth - and other similar aphobic tropes with her, is her whole weird anti-men thing (which is also, in itself, also an aphobic trope in this particular circumstance). I understand TTC was written in 2007 so that flavor of radical feminism that Artemis and the Hunt is clearly supposed to be was only just coming into major public awareness and the flaws in the ideology (and the inherent bigotry, particularly transphobia and racism that often comes with it) weren't as well recognized at the time. But in hindsight it leaves a really bad taste in my mouth for obvious reasons and is one of the things from the first series that severely aged poorly in my opinion, and I greatly dislike that in every subsequent retcon of the Hunt for other reasons Rick more or less retains that aspect.

Secondly... it doesn't make sense from a mythological standpoint? Because there are multiple examples of men being Hunters in Artemis' retinue. Even ignoring Orion, no matter how you go about shaking that stick (which for the record I really dislike how Rick retconned him in the series/wrote him in HoO), Hippolytus is a very notable example. Literally his big whole original shtick was he joined the Hunt because he didn't like romance and Aphrodite got so pissed about him not needing her (romance) that she killed him. And even when Aphrodite was trying to ruin his life he held on to his virtues and vow to Artemis (refusing advances even when his life was on the line). He is otherwise totally chill and devoted to Artemis. Some versions of his myth has Artemis have him resurrected after he dies (by Asclepius, which is why Asclepius is punished for reviving the dead). This also obviously doesn't address the major glaring logical flaw in Artemis hating all men which is... Apollo. Especially within the series he seems to be an exception for no reason, despite Artemis also very overtly having a "brothers are not an exception to the no-men rule." And from a modern queer standpoint, it obviously begs the question of stuff like gender identity within the Hunt and if you bring back the radfem stuff it gets real bad vibes real fast. Which also sucks when you particularly look at historical/mythological descriptions of Apollo and Artemis and how they very poignantly encompass defying gender roles and expectations particularly within their cultural contexts.

And every time Rick tries to retcon the Hunt, he somehow manages to make it kind of worse, particularly with the oath. I have a whole personal thing for how I think to best rectify all that nonsense in a way that isn't horrible and is related to some of Artemis' aspects in a more sensible way (buried somewhere in this monster of a post. Honestly i'd just recommend ctrl + f search "Hunters" on that post and it should be somewhere near the first ping there). In there I also go into some of my other thoughts for the general meh way the Hunt is written in the series, mostly being aphobic tropes and random death fodder.

So yeah. Basically, tl;dr: I am personally not a huge fan of how Artemis in the series is halfway to being a terf and chock-full of aphobic tropes. And I need Rick to stop retconning things into the ground.

[ranbowkng]

Forgive Me Father for Thine Lips are the Sweetest Sin

Summary: Gary shows up on John's porch and expects to initiate him. Instead he initiates a spark between them

John Ward sighed, his bedroom eyes wearily glancing at the smirking cultist before him. He thought it was over. He sealed the crucible, if only temporarily, and had left with Lisa and Garcia, allowing them both a safer place to reside than their apartments. So why was the demon back? And why had it been so confident as to walk up to his front door and knock as if he wouldn't try to send it back to hell? He was pretty sure it was looking at him the way it would a snack.

"What do you want?" John leaned against the door frame, crossing his arms as he looked up at the cultist.

"Glad to hear your enthusiasm," Gary said, a chuckle laced in his tone, "Because I need you."

"...what?" John raised an eyebrow. Holding a carton of cigarettes in his hands.

"I've realized my mistake! It's all so simple! I've been trying to go about this as if we are different, but you and I, we're exactly the same!" Gary waved his hand in a hundred different directions, adjusting his sunglasses frequently, "What do you say? You and me in a new world order?" He shimmied his shoulders a few times as he spoke. John wondered if this is what all those kids were referring to when they referred to something as "radical." He still didn't understand the appeal.

"Hmm, what a difficult choice," John spoke sarcastically as he placed a cigarette between his lips, "I'll certainly have to uh...think..." He patted down his pockets, searching for a light.

"Allow me," Gary said, snapping his fingers to light the end sticking out of John's mouth.

"Oh... thanks," John inhaled deeply, letting the smoke escape his lungs before holding the cigarette between two fingers to continue talking, "Not happening. In case you haven't noticed, your cult is gone, we defeated you."

"Not necessarily," Gary hummed, "At best you've momentarily inconvenienced us, but you've hardly come close to defeating us. After all..." He gripped John by the shirt, pulling him close to whisper in his ear, "We still have the girl~"

John's breath hitched as he dropped the cigarette on the ground. Gary stomped it out with the heel of his boot, grazing over John's toes in the process, "What have you done with Amy?"

"It's hardly Amy you should be worried about dear preacher," Gary hummed, using his grip on his shirt to spin him around, pulling him to the walkway to his house, "I'd be more concerned about them if I were you."

John looked up, horrified at the sight. Two cultists, covered head to toe in crimson robes, sat atop the neighbor's houses, pointing guns at two windows in his house. One towards the window of his bedroom where Garcia had laid down for a nap, and one towards the kitchen where Lisa had been preparing herself lunch. John looked to the cult leader before him, fury scrunching his face into a threatening glare, "Call them off, now!"

"Calm yourself priest, I shall," Gary held up a palm, a signal to the cultist to hold their fire temporarily, "If you agree to my terms."

"What terms?" John raised an eyebrow, clutching his crucifix.

"You drop that silly stick and join me as my right hand man, and I spare the girl," Gary said, "Join me as a lover and I spare them both."

John's face flushed, how did he know?! See, from the moment John laid eyes on the cultist, he felt a spark. Previously he was able to push off these feelings merely by being thoroughly annoyed by the prospect of them. As time went on, he had to make more excuses why the feelings weren't real. Excuses like "he's evil" "he's dead" "he hates your guts and wants to use them as Christmas tree decorations" "he's probably a man" but now here he is, bringing them up to use against John.

"I am not joining you, lover or otherwise!" John yelled.

"That's quite a shame," Gary sighed, lifting his arm, "Take aim, and-"

"Wait!" John grabbed Gary's arm, stopping him before he could give the command to fire, "I'll...I'll join you..."

"Excellent!" Gary motioned for the cultist pointing a gun at Lisa to stand down, "I suppose minimizing the casualties to one would be efficient. Take aim-"

"I'll be your lover!" John shouted, stopping the cultist.

Gary smirked, lowering his arm, "Mind repeating that for me?"

"I-" John couldn't believe what he was agreeing to, but if it saved Garcia's life, so be it, "I...will join you...as a lover...if you accept my terms!"

Gary rolled his eyes, "I hardly believe you're in a position to make demands here."

"It's one demand, and if you refuse then I will exorcise you," John lifted his crucifix, pointing it at Gary who raised his arms in surrender, "Are you willing to listen now?"

"Oh I'm so scared-" Gary was silenced by the sudden sizzling of his skin as John rested the tip of his crucifix against his wrist, "Ow! Okay! Okay! I'm listening!"

"One kiss," John's expression was cold and unmoving as he spoke, "I want one kiss before we agree to anything. If we both enjoy it, I'll go off with you. If you enjoy it and I don't or vice versa, oh well. If neither of us enjoy it, don't waste my time by putting my friends lives in danger ever again or I will exorcise you twice."

"Feisty" Gary smirked, signalling for the other cultist to stand down, "Fair enough, and to liven this up a tad, I'll let you be the one to engage the kiss."

"Fine!" John huffed in annoyance.

"Indeed," Gary was far too full of himself for someone who was cowering under what he believed to be a "pathetic stick" two seconds ago.

John inched closer, more annoyed by the closeness with each movement he made. One part of John wanted to rip off the cultist's face, the other part of him wanted to rip off something else. Regardless, he stood an inch away from Gary, looking into the eyes hiding behind the shades.

John reached up and in one swift motion pulled Gary's lips onto his. His vengeance for all the cultist had put him through, he ravished the taste without room to breathe, and bit his lip harshly as he pulled away. The worst part of it all, he enjoyed it.

Gary's face was red as his robes as he was released, blinking twice as he tried to catch up with what just happened to him, "...priest."

"Didn't enjoy it much did you?" John waved him off, hiding his own blush by turning to the side, "Run along, don't waste my time again."

"...I apologize," Gary didn't even give John a second to process the words before he pushed him through the door frame with his lips on John's, kicking it closed behind him.

Both staggered backwards, refusing to pull away from the other until John couldn't breathe. When they finally pried themselves away from each other, they had landed on John's sofa with Gary sitting on top of John.

"Priest..." Gary's voice was soft, unable to conjure more than a whisper.

"Cultist," John said back, trying not to mirror the cocky smirk, "Enjoyed the taste of my lips more than a little did we?"

"I... didn't think asking you to be my lover would go so deep...I thought it would be a business exchange. I didn't know it could taste so...good," Gary said, "Forgive me, my accomplice."

"Hmm," John failed to not conjure a smirk, "You can earn forgiveness by-"

"Gross," Lisa's voice caused him to shut up, "Get a room."

"Ms. Pearson!" Gary said, frozen in John's lap.

"This isn't what it looks like!" John said quickly.

"I don't care," Lisa said, walking away, "I'm going out with Tiffany tonight. Please try not to do anything stupid." With that, she walked into the bathroom, which John could no longer navigate due to the excessive amounts of makeup products that littered the sink.

John and Gary turned back to each other, both of their faces dusted pink.

"We had a deal," Gary said, "You are now a part of my Order."

"And you are now mine," John said with a blank stare, "An even exchange."

Gary was a bit startled by the sentiment, his blush growing ever further, but he quickly buried his head into the priest's shoulder, "John..."

"Gary," John said.

"Perhaps, I don't mind if we're romantic without a trade to justify it, even though you now most definitely are now a member of my Order," Gary's voice was muffled in John's shirt, but John heard every word very clearly.

"Mm, you want to kiss me again don't you?" John asked, patting the cultist's shoulder.

"... perhaps," Gary responded.

"Go for it," John said. And he did, melting into the sinfully good taste of John's lips.

And it wouldn't be the last time he did.

[apomaro-mellow]

Part 2

This is Part 3 (Fluffy) for Part 3 (Smutty) go here

"It's just you and me, Steve."

Steve took in a breath and then turned around. "Yeah, that's right. And let's get one thing straight here. Even if you are actually Eddie, if I get one whiff of trouble, I'm torching your ass."

Kas held his hands up. "I can behave. But tell me if you change your mind. Soooo", he stepped closer to Steve. A move that was getting very common at this point. "What's first on the agenda tonight?"

"First", Steve put a hand to Kas' chest before he could get too close. "We're gonna hit the showers."

Kas waggled his brows and Steve wondered if this was how girls felt when he laid it on thick. "Separately! I've got more than one shower! And you stink of the Upside Down."

He was probably going to burn those clothes. Not just from the stench but from the less than pleasant memories. They were pretty much just tatters of what Eddie had been wearing last. Steve got him set up in the guest bathroom and even left a change of clothes for him before going to wash up himself.

Alone in the shower, everything came to the forefront of his mind. Most especially how he was supposed to live with the literal ghost of Eddie that was blatantly flirting with him. He was lucky the kids didn't really notice because he was never going to hear the end of it when they did.

Steve didn't want to think about it but it was hard when the subject was just down the hall. Someone using Eddie's face to flirt with him so openly was harder to take than he ever thought. Not that he tried to think of it often.

While Steve was in the bargaining stage, Eddie and Kas were having their own conversation in the shower.

"You're really pushing your luck here", Eddie said, pacing around in their shared mental space. He hated it here. He hated not being in control of his own body. He really hated how this guy was ruining the tentative friendship he had formed with Steve.

"I'm not ruining anything", Kas said, responding to his unheard meltdown. "If anything, I'm helping us."

"Help?! Helping? Oh you think you're helping. Steve isn't like that, okay? And when you, when you-"

"Woo him?"

Eddie rolled his eyes. Talking to himself was too bizarre. "You're gonna make him hate us. And honestly, I'd rather be dead."

While they were speaking, Kas was dutifully washing his body, taking more care than Eddie normally did. He had a pretty boy to impress after all.

"You're not letting yourself see because you don't wanna accept it. But Steve is definitely not going to hate us."

After his shower, he put on the clothes Steve had laid out, which consisted of a dark blue t-shirt and gray sweats. When he left the bathroom, he went to where he heard Steve, who seemed to be talking to someone downstairs. Kas only heard him, so it must be someone on the phone.

"Yeah, I'm sure. I can take care of the house until then. Bye Mom."

Kas came fully down the stairs and both the inside and outside of him wanted to kiss the sadness off of Steve's face. But Eddie kept holding him back. So he did wanted he wanted to do the second most.

"What's got a pretty thing like you so glum?"

Steve rolled his eyes but otherwise didn't rise to that. "Just my parents. When they heard about the earthquakes, they really wanted me to go to them. They're trying to sell the house too but no one wanted to live in Hawkins before. And now..."

"What? No one wants to live in the town that just had an earthquake? What's the appeal of California then?"

Steve grinned, then looked at him strange. "Eddie?"

"Yeah? ....Wait, holy shit!", Eddie looked down at himself and then pulled at his own cheeks, the first action he took as his own since coming back.

"So it really is you?", Steve put his hands on Eddie's shoulders and looked him over. "How? What did you do?"

"I don't really know." Eddie tried to think of how they switched and the only conclusion he had was he and Kas both thought the same thing and wanted to do the same thing. "That son of a bitch was right I guess. He is just a part of me. But how could you tell the difference?"

"That was the first thing you've said that actually sounded like you." Steve's hands slid down his arms and then he pulled away with a subtle cough. To Eddie he looked beautifully bashful and especially soft in his own sleepwear, a white t-shirt and shorts. Eddie wanted to tell him so many things but he knew any one of them could ruin the moment and worse, ruin what they had so he kept them down.

But pushing those thoughts down pulled Kas up and when he blinked, Eddie was in the backseat again.

"I always sound like me, Steve. I told you already. I'm just Eddie without the filter."

"You're not", Steve countered. "Eddie would never say the things you say. Or do them." He moved away from Kas to start wrapping up the leftovers.

"You sound so sure", Kas said, following right behind him. He watched for a moment as Steve worked and then sidled right up to him, waiting for him to turn to the side. When he finally did, Kas smirked.

"Hey there big boy."

Steve let out a huff. "It's different when you say it", he said as he turned away and put the food in the fridge.

"How so?"

With more force than necessary, he closed the fridge and mumbled something. Kas was pretty sure he heard it, but he of course had Eddie's sadistic side and wanted to confirm.

"What did you say?"

"I said it's because you mean it!", Steve whirled on him. "Eddie says those things to be funny. You're trying to get me to believe in it. That's how I know you're just some trick made up by Vecna."

"I'm no one's puppet. I pull my own strings."

"Oh you fuckin hypocrite", Eddie put his face in his hands, feeling very much like a marionette right now.

"You're controlling Eddie right now", Steve said and Eddie wanted to drop to his knees and praise him.

"What's it gonna take for you to get that I'm just as much Eddie as the one you know?"

"When I hear it from his own mouth."

Kas rolled his eyes. "He already-"

"Not that." Steve closed the space between them, practically pinning Kas to the counter. "If Eddie really feels what you've been laying down, I need to hear it from him. Not a supernatural mouthpiece."

He waited but Kas was just staring in an expression that was almost like Eddie's, but still not there. Maybe they were fighting for control. That felt like enough of an answer for him.

"That's what I thought." He took a step back and turned away. "I'm not Eddie's type and you're not gonna convince me otherwise."

And then he bent over to grab something from under the sink and Kas wanted to do something and Eddie was too weak to stop him, impulse control never being his strong suit.

So together they smacked him on the ass.

Steve shot up, face red. "What the hell!"

"How do you know what my type is?"

"Wha?"

Eddie put his hands on either side of the sink, caging him in. "I said, how do you know what my type is?"

"I highly doubt it's washed up high school royalty or past his prime jock."

"Baby, there is nothing about you that is 'washed up' or 'past prime'. You're top of the line."

Steve tried to turn his face but Eddie grabbed his chin and made their eyes meet. "You're my type. It's Steve Harrington or nothing for me."

"It's really you....And you really think all that?"

Eddie bit his lip and fought back the urge to hide away, knowing if he did Kas would take his place immediately. "I do. Always have been."

"Soo, all those times Kas called me pretty, that was you?"

Eddie nodded.

"And when he felt my leg up at dinner?"

Eddie nodded again, face turning ever redder.

"And when Kas said he wanted to kiss me?"

"He never said!-oh." Eddie then realized Steve had his hands on his chest and was looking at him in a way that could only be described as longing. And as said before, he was really bad at impulse control. And this was something both sides of him wanted.

When they kissed he felt refreshed just like the shower he'd just taken. Everything was washed away and replaced with Steve. Steve who was kissing him back and had his hands twisting in his shirt before moving to encircle him. And that was what cinched it for him. Steve really wanted this, wanted him.

He pushed his tongue inside, drawing out a moan and then Steve broke apart just a bit to catch his breath, something Eddie didn't really need to do anymore but he gave him a little mercy and pecked at his jaw a few times before claiming his lips again.

They heard the doorbell ring. Then they heard knocking. Then they heard the doorbell and knocking.

"Door...", Steve moaned, a little kiss drunk.

Eddie knew it must be someone coming to check on them. Kas knew that Steve's neck was looking a little too pristine and sought to rectify that. The moment he felt that soft skin under his lips, Eddie was in agreement. He kissed like a thirsty man taking his first cool sip and only Steve's fingers tangling in his hair and pulling him back made him stop.

"Later", Steve promised, crooking his fingers under his chin before moving away from him to answer the door. He had the foresight to take a kitchen towel and put his around his neck. Steve couldn't see if there were actually hickeys but he could feel them.

He barely cracked the door before Robin was barreling in.

"The guys told me everything and I can't believe they left you here alone. I mean, I can. But they don't know what I know and-"

"Robin, slow down."

She did in fact slow down just long enough to take him in, was about to speak again when she caught sight of Eddie coming out of the kitchen to lean against the way, looking absolutely love sick.

"There's....a weird energy here right now. Steve, I need bed clothes. Let's go." Robin started up the stairs and Steve shrugged before following her.

"You know where to look to find clothes", he said as they made it to his room.

She went behind him to shut the door and then whipped the towel off his neck. "I knew it!", she hissed quietly so that their guest wouldn't hear.

"Please don't start."

"I'm just saying I was right to come. Before you gave yourself over to this Casey guy."

"Kas."

"Whatever."

"I wasn't about to 'give myself over'. What do you take me for?"

Robin went over to his dresser and started to take out something to sleep in. "Steve, I'm going to say this with love."

"Ugh", he groaned as he fell against the bed.

"In all ways but physical you are one of those romance heroines with the low cut dress falling to the whims of a guy with an equally low cut shirt."

"I am not!"

Robin ignored him as she changed out of her clothes and put on some of Steve's.

"Robin, I am not."

She still ignored him as she went to brush her teeth. And Steve followed behind her.

"Robs, I am nothing like those trashy romance novels."

"Knock, knock", Eddie said as he rapped his knuckles against the closed door.

Steve opened it and leaned against the doorway. "Hey."

"Hey."

There was a pregnant pause before Robin appeared to end it. "Guest room's down the hall. Get yourself a good night's sleep whoever you are." She shut the door and crossed her arms at Steve.

Steve put his hands together. "You're my friend-"

"And I'm doing a friend's job."

"Which is?"

"Protecting your virtue. Making sure you don't make bad decisions and jump on the first dick that points in your direction."

Steve had the decency to blush at that. He hadn't been planning on it, but then again he hadn't been planning on making out with Eddie either.

They heard a scratching sound, like a dog pawing at the door.

"Good night, Munson!", Robin called out, even turning off the lights in Steve's room.

They heard him shuffle off and that got Steve to settle in bed along with Robin, ready to tell her how his evening went.

Part 4

Tag Team

@jestyzesty @anaibis @cassaloopa @epiclazershark @xtkxkrzrizir

@bisexualdisastersworldd @sadbitchfangirl @mentalcyborg @sidekick-hero @spectrum-spectre @xenon-demon

@pyrohonk @books-and-current-obsessions @deadontheinside20 @cuips-not-cute @awkwardgravity1 @thebrazilianatheist @mentallyundone @thev01dd @ilikechocolatemilkh @snakeorsquid @boop369 @cmackz93 @aizawa-emma

@mightbeasleep

@spooky-mulders

[paradoxcase]

John 1:20

THE TOWER HAS BEEN REACTIVAT

No surprises there.

I mean, isn't this basically the same conclusion they already came to like several John chapters ago, when Augustine was questioning whether the FTL even existed? (Although, apparently actual FTL really happens at the end of this chapter, I guess it actually was real? Why does it make no appearance in the rest of these books? If this other FTL technology exists, why did BOE work so hard to get a ship with a stele and a necromancer to operate it?) Anyway, this doesn't feel like a new or exciting conclusion to come to

I don't feel like this story has done a good job of explaining why this has to be done, or even why John and co. think it has to be done. Is it because they're leaving in the ships that were intended for the cryo project? I'm sure they can build more of those, it's just money and engineering, and even if all the trillionaires leave, there's still a lot of governments with a lot of money out there who would probably be willing to fund the cryo project when John turns out to be right about trillionaires after they've left and there's no one left to defend them and talk about the secret lives of cows. I mean, as long as he doesn't start doing stupid and crazy shit and causing a nuclear holocaust. Who cares if the trillionaires leave? I feel like the point of these chapters is to explain why John did what he did, but I don't think this explanation makes a lot of sense. This is not moving me as a supervillain origin story

So, according to the UN, world population will not reach ten billion until 2058. I calculated earlier that John can't be born later than 1998 and still be old enough to realistically attend the Parachute music festival, so are we meant to believe that John is 60 years old here?

If I had a nickel for every time someone had their arm cut off and then regrown in this story, I'd have two nickels, which isn't a lot but it's weird that it happened twice

Also, thanks for not making this one a sex scene, I think I've already heard more than I wanted to about John's sex life

Presumably this is needed for something resurrection-related, I guess it's so that when the suitcase nuke explodes he can grow a whole new G1deon again from the arm, like a starfish. So presumably John would have had no trouble growing Ianthe a new arm that worked as her arm, if she had asked him. I went back to see where Ianthe's first problematic arm had come from, but all I can find is that she denies that either John or Mercy was responsible for it. Did she make it herself? I can't remember

Ok, but six paragraphs earlier Pyrrha is being mad that G1deon won't arm the nuke if she comes with him. Did Pyrrha know, or not?

I mean, I hate to say it, but you were right there with all of the others when John was like, we have to stop the trillionaires from escaping, that's the absolute more important thing to be doing right now, and exactly zero of you said, no John, that's not actually the most important thing to be doing right now

Why did Cristabel decide that right now was the best time for John to figure out how souls work? There's this whole side narrative about John working out how souls work, but it doesn't really feel tied to the rest of the story about the trillionaires and the cryo project

I think I see. As established at the beginning of Harrow the Ninth, a living planet's soul is like the collective thalergy of everything that lives on the planet, so I guess it's kind of a gestalt oversoul, where every individual living soul on the planet is part of it? So when a planet is dead, then by definition everything else on it is also dead, since otherwise there would still be a living planet soul of some sort. The fact that John wasn't able to control individual human souls here while Alecto was still alive sort of implies that resurrection, and maybe most kinds of soul magic, are actually impossible on a living planet, if even John can't distinguish between human souls and the planet soul in that context. I guess that means that that kind of stuff would only be possible on an undead planet in the Nine Houses

No, I think that's totally fair, actually

I feel like this is important. Everyone else was killed by someone else. Like, John was 100% responsible for all of this mess, but he didn't actually pull the trigger to kill anyone else, and until this point he still has some plausible deniability, like he was just trying to stop the trillionaires, and he never intended to set off any nukes or kill anyone, he was just stressed and being a bit dumb. But he specifically kills G1deon, who is clearly his most loyal supporter. Like, I think he probably could have talked to G1deon over the phone at this point and been like, hey new plan, we're actually going to let the nuke go off and kill a million people so I can gain godlike power, don't worry I'm gonna figure out how to bring you back to life again using your arm, and I honestly think there's a solid chance that G1deon would have been like, sure thing boss, see you when it's all over. Then it would have been like, consensual, I guess? But he doesn't even do that. He just kills him. Obviously John has just killed people before at this point, and he would also be just killing another million people, but I think it's sort of different for John to just kill a bunch of cops or the population of Melbourne that he doesn't know at all, versus to just kill someone like G1deon, who he's known all his life and is somehow impossibly loyal to him

I'm not feeling this metaphor

Well, that's extremely biblical

So this means that the only reason Alecto survived this in a way that the other cavaliers didn't was because John couldn't entirely consume her soul, or thought he couldn't. And I guess he just decided it was too complicated to figure out how to do this with a human soul, and a necromancer who doesn't have all that power at hand at that moment?

So this is what Hollywood Hair Barbie looks like, apparently:

Maybe it's just the angle of the photo, but she doesn't seem to have quite as freakish proportions as the barbies I grew up with, which is good. For a moment I was imagining 8-foot-tall Alecto who is 75% legs and it was terrifying

What is the "shaman" a reference to, here?

So ultimately, John's powers came from Alecto originally, when she was still alive as the soul of Earth - it's implied throughout the story that necromancy comes from exposure to thanergy, but this obviously wasn't the case for John's specific flavor of necromancy, but he is definitely making use of thanergy to do what he does. So why did Alecto have the ability to give someone necromancy powers, that make use of death energy, rather than say, something the primarily makes use of life energy/thalergy which would probably be more useful and not incentivize killing ten billion people to gain more power?

[callofdooty]

5-4-3-2-1 Tag Game!!

Tagged by @alidravana ! Thank you so much for the tag! :D

top 5 works i’m proudest of (not in any particular order):

Since I only have two actual works, I'll just put them both LOL:

Just Us - Keegan and Merrick havea moment after the events of the game

My Bed Is A Pool And The Walls Are On Fire - Keegan being delirious for 1000 Words

top 4 current wips i’m excited about:

Mostly all Whumpuary works since they've got my full attention rn LOL

Woken Up Like An Animal - Fill for the prompt Nightmares. Logan makes friends with Mouse after he accidentally kicks her across a room. Title is a line from Human by Daughter (aka one of the best Logan songs to exist LOL)

Keegan's Hypothermia fic - Prompt fill for Hypothermia and "Stay With Me" - Trying to play into the found family as much as I can because I am a SUCKER for it) Pending title ^^

My Heroes Are Dead (They Died In My Head) - Prompt fill for Betrayal. Bitter stream of consciousness, takes place after Struck Down, from Keegan's perspective (but Ajax's fate will be left ambiguous so he might be dead, might be canon divergence that lets him live) Title is a line from Diluted by Slipknot

I Won't Give Up On You (So Don't Give Up On Me) - Prompt fill for "Don't Do This" and Blurry Vision. Not entirely sure what this will entail but it will probably center around Hesh and Logan :) I love :) Angst :) I'm just hella into the title and the prompts as a combination. Title is a line from The Sadness Will Never End by Bring Me The Horizon

top 3 improvements in my writing:

Actually rewriting drafts. A lot of the time, I don't typically rewrite drafts, but for some of the Ghosts ficxs, I've actually got multiple different versions of fics LOL

Uhh I'd say I've definitely developed a stylised way of writing? Which, is actually pretty much just the way I write normally AHA - a lot pauses in strange places, and of course the angsty internal monologuing. I also like messing with structure when I can (Unfortunate House of Leaves simp over here)

Catching when my tenses slip. I don't know why, it might be due to roleplaying, but I find that I often flip between past and present tense in the middle of writing (where it wouldn't make sense to) But I've been able to catch it, lately. Makes editing fics a bitch LOL

top 2 writing resolutions:

Just posting more honestly. Last fandom I wrote fics for got a grand total of three fics because I didn't get to finish the others LOL, and then I kind of drifted off to other things (it's still some of my best angst work, so hopefully I can bring that energy to the Ghosts. The character I fixated on actually might have some similarities to Logan ssooo 👁 👁)

Maybe trying to branch out more? My two modes of writing are Hurt/No Comfort (hilarious, because I hate reading Hurt/No Comfort) and Whump so maybe I can try smth else? Maybe romance? Definitely not something I'm familiar with writing, but it feels like something I could try. (The real issue is finding ships I wanna write about /hj)

number 1 favourite line:

Hmm, this is hard, so I'm going to make up for all the other ones I can't fill by giving a few LOL

From Just Us, I'm quite fond of this line:

Shame stirs in his stomach, making him nauseous before working its way up, gripping his heart and then balling up to cause a lump in his throat that he tries his best to swallow around. "I miss him." The shame ignites like a gasoline trail, flaring quickly into anger (whether it's at himself or Rorke... it's hard to tell with all the smoke) that only makes him feel more sick. "God damn it, I miss that piece of shit."

From the Nightmares fic I'm working on (almost done with it!):

Her eyes did more than enough talking on that front, strangely expressive for how closed off she otherwise seemed. They told a thousand stories; all indecipherable, written in a language that no one could speak of, but could understand all the same. The mind's exact tales of suffering were locked away, hidden, but their effect still seemed to shine from the soul's very own fractured looking glass. A hint of resignation acted as dust upon the reflection's surface; a house haunted by time more than any other phantom.

and then this giant excerpt from a WIP abt Hesh :)

Occasionally, a glimpse will come to Hesh’s mind. Sometimes it’s intrusive, lightning flashing against a canopy of dark clouds, shaking the foundations of his mind with a deafening roar. Sudden, brief and violent in nature. Other times it’s… slow. Easy and gentle, like ocean waves crawling their way up the beach; soft, hushed. Almost comforting, if not for the deep grief that the tide often brought with it, the wind brushing by carrying the faint echoes of laughter and excited voices.

On days like this, the wind only seems to carry his own distant screams. The tide now feels lonelier than it ever did. That one set of footprints trailing in the sand was just that; a single set. The second set of imprints settled in his own stride now gone. 

Instead, the ghost of his shadow is embedded yards away, a trench dug out by desperately grasping hands, reaching for anything. Reaching for him.  

It’s still the gentle ease of a memory washing over him, sea foam gathering, swaying and receding slowly, but that’s perhaps what makes it worse. The slowness. The time he has to sit there and dismantle himself from the inside out, while his own head taunts him with things he no longer has, can no longer reach out for. Even the ebb and flow of water can wear down cliffs with enough time, steady and persistent in its movements. 

Imagery galore! LOL

tagging... @bubble-dream-inc , @goorehound and @neon-amnesia (If y'all want to, don't feel pressured to! ^^)

Basic Template:

top 5 works i’m proudest of (not in any particular order):

top 4 current wips i’m excited about:

top 3 improvements in my writing:

top 2 writing resolutions:

number 1 favourite line:

[miss-smutty]

The Destructive Secret

Chapter 7

A/N- I'm back! At least I think I am 😂 I wrote this while I was struggling with writer's block so I don't think it's great but the next chapter I'm working on I feel back to the old me 🥳🤞

Summary- Are your lies finally going to catch up to you?

Word count- 2.8K

Pairing- Chris Hems x reader x Liam Hems

Warnings- Mature themes, cheating, swearing, smut

Strictly 18+ only!

Disclaimer: This is an entire work of fiction/AU and has no affiliation to real life what so ever! This is a fictional story about fictional characters who happen to share names and faces with some real people.

Posted: 2nd Sept 2021

Taglist:- @innerpaperexpertcloud @pandaxnienke @chickensarentcheap @jjpogueprincess @longlostinanotherworld @mostly-marvel-musings @darklydeliciousdesires @monet-belle

The Destructive Secret Masterlist <

The guy turned to leave before looking back over his shoulder at the door, his hand on the door handle.

"If it makes any difference I would choose you over your brother any day." He winked as he left the room.

"What the actual fuck." You shout, storming out of the bathroom in a huff. "There's no way he's gunna stay quiet, it'll be all over the press come tomorrow." You paced the room, your heart beating fast as the adrenaline rushed through you. This was it, this was how it was all going to end. Liam would know as soon as he saw the headlines, all those late night and weekend conferences at the same time as Chris was conveniently away with work.

"To be fair, he does have good taste in men." Chris' usual nonchalance annoyed you, how come he could stay so calm? Why did he make you sound like a crazy person for actually worrying about what might happen.

"It's really not funny Chris, do you want our business known by strangers before we even have chance to speak to Liam and your Mom Chris, she's going to hate me." You feel the warm tears dripping down your cheeks before you even register you're crying. The thought of their mom hating you upsets you more than the thought of Liam hating you. Cathy, their mom was like your own mother, from day one she'd taken you under her wing.

"My Mom would love you no matter what, you know she thinks of you as her own daughter. It's me she's going to blame, Liam's her baby." 

"Yeah you're probably right but still what are we gunna do?" 

"Let's relax babe, you don't know what's going to happen and you can't change it if it does happen so what's the use in worrying about it. Come here."

"You piss me off Chris, you're so laid back. This isn't something you can just sweep under the carpet. It's serious." You needed to take your anger out on him, to let it all out so you could feel better. The four walls of the hotel room were becoming claustrophobic, you wish you could just put your headphones on and just run for a while to clear your head, that's what you usually did.

"I know it is but what can we do? I've done everything we can do, now it's out of our hands. We'll work it out tomorrow, can we enjoy our last night together without all the serious talk?" He raises his eyebrow at you, smiling that sweet, goofy smile of his that has your heart melting.

"You piss me off even more when you look at me like that. I can't stay mad at you and how could I say no to that?" You put your arms around his back, loving the way his height makes you feel so small and safe. He wraps his arms around you, stroking your hair and holding you close.

"That's why I love you yanno." 

"Why?" You ask, looking up at him through your eyelashes, your neck stretching to reach his height.

"Because you never say no." He laughs, a real laugh that you can feel on his toned stomach, shaking against you. It was the best feeling hearing him laugh like that, it'd been so long since you'd heard him laugh. Your life being full of a lot of drama and upset recently that you were appreciative of the little time you had left together.

"Maybe I should start then." You pout pretending to sulk.

"No way, I love how easy you are." He picks you up so you can wrap your legs around him, looking down on him for once. You punch him lightly on his shoulder, still pouting. "Ok, ok I'll stop teasing. You know why I love you though." 

"Tell me." 

He sits down on the end of the bed with you still in his arms, resting on his great big, thick thighs. He moves your hair behind your ears so he can see your face, studying it carefully with a look of adoration in his eyes.

"I love you because you're absolutely drop dead gorgeous, I mean the first time I met you, you literally knocked the air from my lungs. I've been obsessed with you ever since." He shuffles slightly beneath you, getting himself comfy. "This would never have happened with just anyone, I'm not a dick that goes around sleeping with his brothers girls." You give him a questioning look, your eyebrows furrowing. "Seriously, it took fucking everything in me to try and resist you. I'd never felt that before, never been one of them that wants what they can't have. Until I met you. Fuck me you were an absolute bombshell." You frown at him. "Are, still are a bombshell, don't look at me like that." He laughs.

"Tell me more." You whisper, feeling yourself tear up at his revelations as you run your hand through his hair, his eyes closing as you do.

"Am I stroking your ego?" He smiles slyly. "Do you remember the first time you met me?" 

"Of course I do, me and Liam had already been together a year but you'd been in Australia. I was eighteen, young and dumb..."

"And full of..." 

"Do not even finish that sentence, you're ruining the moment." He laughs at you but quickly gets back to being serious.

"You were eighteen and ridiculously mature for your age, I was twenty six and still acted like a teenager. I remember you walking in in that little denim skirt and tank top, smiling at me with that beautiful smile. The first thing I noticed was your eyes, the way they lit up when you smiled. You had me right at that moment, I was smitten. Then you introduced yourself as Liam's girlfriend and my heart sank." 

"I can't believe you remembered what i was wearing, it was twelve years ago." You kiss his forehead, holding his face in your hands. So glad you had the opportunity to talk like this, knowing all this made you know you hadn't made a mistake. "I was so nervous walking up to you, I'd only ever seen you on photos and crushing on you when you were in home and away. Then you're there in front of me looking sexy as hell and I knew I had to make a good impression."

"Little did you know, five years later I'd be bending you over that table and giving you everything you'd been searching for?" He questioned, raising his eyebrow at you with a smirk.

"No, dick! Little did I know you'd sweep me off my feet and make me question everything I ever knew." 

"I am a dick but that's why you love me isn't it?"

"Your ego definitely doesn't need stroking. I fell in love with Liam when I was still a girl and I fell in love with you when I was a woman. People change, needs change and..." 

"And I give you everything you need." His hand travelled to your ass pulling you into him, pressing against his growing erection.

"You do, you need to work on your arrogance though." You laugh. "But seriously I'm done with all this now, we can't go on like this anymore. I want all of you, all of the time."

"So you've made your decision." His lips part, his head resting against your forehead.

"Was there ever any doubt?" You question, running your finger over his lip and grinding against him subtly making him groan.

"Fuck Y/N, I fucking love you so much it's crazy." He says through gritted teeth, holding the small of your back as you raise your hips, your face contorting with need. "What would you do if I asked you to marry me?" His hand travelled down the back of your shorts, cupping your ass in his hands.

"What do you think?" You tease, taking his bottom lip in your teeth and pulling gently.

"I don't know, that's why I'm asking." His face was set seriously, he wasn't joking, he wanted to marry you.

"Of course I'd say yes, once we'd dealt with everything." You smile watching his face light up.

"You're going to be Mrs Hemsworth and mine, not Liam's. I can't fucking wait." He picks you up, gripping your ass making you squeel before planting you back on the bed on your back.

Leaning over you, his palm caressing your stomach, kneeding your breasts with his long fingers. His erection poking into your clothed heat.

"You're so fucking perfect, are you ready to cause destruction?" 

"Like now, in bed or?..." 

"You know what I mean." He laughs, reaching down to attach his lips to your neck, sucking gently.

"If it means I get you then yeah, I'm ready." 

"Right answer. You've made me the happiest fucking man in the world yanno?" His hand moves under your top, pushing it up to your chin as his lips finally meet yours. Kissing you deeply with everything he's got, your body rising from the bed to meet his.

"I think... I can... Make you even happier." You say between kisses, pushing down his boxers, your nails scratching his skin gently as you do. 

He rests on one elbow watching you free his cock from its barrier. You cup his balls in your hand, stroking along the length of his cock with the other. He groans, pushing himself into your hands.

"I'll be happier once I'm buried inside this perfect pussy." He kneels between your legs, pulling your panties off before hovering back over you.

"Go slow baby, I want to feel everything." You whisper.

"Fuck, I can't guarantee how long I'll last." He moans, lining himself up and slipping in making you both moan as his cock stretches your walls perfectly.

He rests on his elbows, holding your face in his hands as he gently thrusts into you, wrapping your legs around him and pushing him in further, deeper. Hitting your spot with the curl of his hips, agonisingly slowly. You look into each others eyes, his forehead resting against yours. Tears in your eyes from the intense intamacy.

"I love you Y/N." He declares gruffly, his voice deep with lust.

"I love you too." You whimper.

Moaning everytime his thighs connected with yours, flesh slapping together, bringing your hips up to meet him. Him grunting with every thrust, your sex noises filling the otherwise silent room. The sound like a symphony to your ears, turning you on even more to hear his exclamations of ecstacy.

"It's always been you Chris." You whisper, making his pace become sloppy, losing his composure and restraint at your words. You can see it on his face as it twists, his cock twitching inside of you.

"Come for me baby." He grits his teeth, the muscles in his jaw tightening as his body goes rigid.

"Ah fuck." He brings you over the edge with the last of his powerful thrusts, your legs shaking around him, the feeling of satisfaction melting through your body simultaneously. A proud look on his face as you both come together and he falls limply onto your sweat laced body.

You stay like that for a while, both enjoying the moment, his cock still twitching inside of you. The heaviness of his body burying you into the mattress but you don't complain.

You don't want him to move, you want to memorise the feel of his heaviness and how his cock feels inside of you. How his rough face feels against your smooth skin, his hair tickling under your chin. You trace the muscles on his back, the defined shoulders and lean waist. Your hands gripping his tight, round ass and you close your eyes, remembering every dip and ripple, dreading the thought of being without him in your arms for at least another couple of weeks.

"I don't know how I'm going to watch you walk away tomorrow." He rolls on to his side, pulling you into him. "I think that's the hardest thing to deal with out of everything."

"I was just thinking the same thing." You looked up at him through your eyelashes, your fingers brushing against his tight pecs. "You know we've been doing this for nearly 6 years now and I don't think I've ever felt as close to you as I do now. It's going to be even harder for me to leave this time." 

"I don't even want to think about it but we only have hours left together, what's our plan?" 

"You mean when and how do we tell Liam?" You ask sitting cross legged in the bed, reality kicking back in. You have to go home to Liam and leave Chris all over again, back to the lies and sneaking about.

"That and when am I going to be able to see you again? I don't want to wait as long as last time, you know how crazy i start getting when I don't see you." 

"We've got your cousin's wedding next week. I'll see you there." You risk a glance at him, pain set on his face.

"You'll see me but you'll be arm in arm with Liam and I'll be alone again." 

"How about once the weddings over and done with, we can tell Liam about us?" You watch his face change, like a little boy.

"A week? I can do that, I think. But I'm not going to the wedding alone." 

"What do you mean? A date? With who?" Panic laced in your voice.

"I don't know but I'm sure I won't be short of options." 

"Are you fucking with me? Liam thinks you're dating a married woman, where you going to find one of those?" 

"I don't know but I'm not turning up to a family party on my own again, my aunties can be fucking brutal." 

"Well don't expect to playing all happy families and me being all nice." You sulk.

"Are you jealous?" 

"Yeah, duhh."

"Come here." He pulls you into arms wrapping his legs around yours. Comfortable silence drifting over you both as he strokes your hair and you fall asleep in his arms.

***********

You wake up in the morning smiling, then remembering what day it is and that you have to leave to go back to boring reality and your smile fades. Chris stirring beside you, his muscly arm resting over your stomach, locking you in place.

"Chris, wake up." You whisper in his ear, admiring his sleepy, perfect face. "It's 9.30 we've gotta check out at 10." He makes an unrecognisable sound of exasperation, his eyes opening, puffy with sleep or lack of in this case.

"Aww man, can't we just stay in bed a little longer, I don't wanna let you go." 

"You need to go check out first so we don't leave the hotel at the same time." 

"Fuck sake. Back to reality it is then." He says all hint of jokiness gone from his tone as he sits up and rubs his eyes. 

"I'm afraid so, I need to go grab my things. Text me when you've left please." 

"Wow! I feel used, do I not even get a kiss before you run out on me?" 

"I was just dealing with the business before I dealt with the pleasure, like I'd just leave without giving you a kiss." You threw yourself on him, wrapping your legs around him as he leant against the headboard. Taking his lips in yours, open mouthed kisses that left you both breathless.

*****

You packed up the couple of things you'd actually taken out of your pull along suitcase, you'd spent most of the weekend naked or slobbing about in Chris' t-shirts so all your clothes were still folded and packed.

You were anxious about going home to Liam and having to pretend again, having to try and not slip up about where you'd actually been. You literally had to go through possible conversations in your mind, conjuring up imagined answers to Liam's possible questions so you didn't get caught out. It was hard work.

Then you got the text from Chris telling you he was out of the hotel and on the road back home, followed by how much of a good weekend he'd had and how much he loves you.

You couldn't help having a spring to your step as you walked through the lobby, a weekend full of love making and reminiscing would have that effect on anyone.

After you'd checked out, the anxiety set in, like stepping out of this hotel would be like stepping in to an alternate universe. A universe that wasn't simple and easy like it had been this weekend but stepping through those revolving doors would mean that will all end. This safe feeling of being alone, away from prying eyes would end as soon as you stepped foot outside and it did, a ominous feeling sweeping over you, goosebumps covering your flesh. Maybe you conjured up the feeling in your own mind, manifesting it into existence but you couldn't shake it.

A feeling of being watched, was it your imagination or not? You didn't know, all you knew was how much you wanted to get out of public and back home. As you stood in front of the hotel, picking up your suitcase to carry it down the stairs, something caught your eye. A flash. And then another flash coming from your peripheral.

[torterrachampion]

vnc or pandora hearts? :D

I'm going to do both but I'll put it under the cut

Vnc

The first character I first fell in love with: Vanitas. Took an immediate liking to him. He's definitely my type of character and I could tell right away I'd enjoy him immensely.

The character I never expected to love as much as I do now: Chloé. I thought she looked cool from the start but I wasn't expecting Vanitas to ever get dethroned. She did only jump to top 1 in chapter 41 so it was pretty late in her arc that she became the dearest vnc character to me.

The character everyone else loves that I don’t: I don't think there is a character like that. I'm pretty into most characters for one reason or another.

The character I love that everyone else hates: Gano. He looks like an absolute freak and something about his character design gives me brain worms. We don't know anything about him I just find his evil face appealing. I can't explain why this type of ugly appeals to me but Moreau and Yura don't, that's just how it is. I took one look at him and knew I'd probably enjoy him. It's yet to he seen if that'll be true when he plays a bigger role.

The character I used to love but don’t any longer: I don't think there are any? I don't recall any character disappointing me.

The character I would totally smooch: Chloé my beloved 💙 Other than that maybe Dante. He's the most dateable vnc character.

The character I’d want to be like: Mira. I want to be an unkempt gremlin woman lurking in a library. Goals.

The character I’d slap: Teacher. It'd be so satisfying. As long as he's not allowed to retaliate that is. Otherwise I think I'd be dead. So Moreau may be a safer target because I could definitely destroy him in a fight.

A pairing that I love: My pinned is domijeanne fanart so I think that's a pretty big clue. wlw ships tend to appeal quite highly to me in general and Dominique and Jeanne are good for each other and enjoy each other's company so I really like them together. Plus the jealousy Domi feels towards Jeanne introduces a little spice to the ship and is a very relatable wlw experience. I also don't talk about it much but Chloé and Jean-Jacques! They're both insane and codependent and I enjoy that. And they are genuinely very sweet, their moments at the end of the Gévaudan arc hit so hard, man. I do like JJChloé in a queerplatonic way as well though.

A pairing that I despise: I'm actually down with most vnc pairings I've seen. I don't think I dislike any of the popular ones. I guess I don't like Noé x Jeanne very much? At least in the sense that if canonically something happened between them I'd be very thrown off. Though their personalities could mesh well 🤔

Pandora Hearts

The first character I first fell in love with: I think Gil made an impression on me the quickest if I recall correctly but the main trio were all likeable to me from very early on.

The character I never expected to love as much as I do now: Reim Lunettes. He's just a dude when you first meet him but then he's actually so cool??? The way he's a very strong character despite his lack of combat ability because he's smart and kind but also has the potential to be ruthless when he has to. Man came out of left field being one of the most fun side characters in ph.

The character everyone else loves that I don’t: Cheshire. Peak cat boy design don't get me wrong but as a character he offers nothing for me to get super attached to. Still like him but not as much as I've seen other people.

The character I love that everyone else hates: Can't think of any. I know a fair few people dislike Alice but I don't think my deep love of her is unpopular.

The character I used to love but don’t any longer: Jack. In the narrative sense he became far more interesting once he was revealed to be a villain. From an emotional perspective he can choke and die <3

The character I would totally smooch: Reim Lunettes, the perfect man

The character I’d want to be like: Jury, omnipotence seems interesting. More seriously, I think Elliot has some of the most admirable traits that I'd like to emulate and I do think his character made me a better person.

The character I’d slap: Jack <3 and Levi because he started everything by grooming Lacie so he deserves nothing but the worst

A pairing that I love: (platonically) Oz, Alice, Gil found family makes me so feral. They are such a good trio and the final chapter of ph absolutely destroys my heart every time. "Welcome home!" Shut up, Gilbert, I'm crying.

A pairing that I despise: Sheryl and Rufus! They work best as unrequited and I'm firm on this! I'd never want to see Sheryl return his feelings. Sometimes unrequited is better and more interesting to me.

[peanutxparker]

A (very long) list of all of my favorite AJJ lyrics because why not

Candy Cigarettes and Cap Guns (2005)

“Well my great grand-dad he died of cancer, from smoking too many cigarettes. But I must confess that he did quite profess to being the coolest motherfucker I ever met.”

“And cocaine is essentially vegan and they don't give a fuck anyway.”

“And I can't help but miss him even though he hit me everyday.”

“So fuck white people! (fuck white people!)”

“Heaven is a special place in hell where you can watch the people you hate get hurt.”

“You find me quite charming and I find it quite alarming ‘cause I'm gonna take your life. You find me quite charming and I find it quite alarming and I'm sad you won't be my wife.”

“What makes you think you can be so pretty? And what makes you think you can be so great? And what makes you think you can be so intelligent? And what makes you think you can be so far away?”

“What makes you think you can be so wonderful? And what makes you think you can be so keen? And what makes me think I can be so hurtful? And what makes me think I can be so mean?”

“Sometimes I feel like a cigarette, I'm wrapped in paper and I'm suffocating to death.”

“I don't want to be a cigarette anymore. I'll go to hell in my self death all day and night, so please just put me out.”

People Who Can Eat People Are The Luckiest People In The World (2007)

“Rejoice despite the fact this world will hurt you. Rejoice despite the fact this world will kill you. Rejoice despite the fact this world will tear you to shreds. Rejoice because you’re trying your best”

“I'm afraid to leave the house. I'm as timid as a mouse. I'm afraid if I go out I'll outwear my welcome. I'm not a courageous man. I don't have any big lasting plans. I'm too cowardly to take a stand, I want to keep my nose clean. And it's sad to know that we're not alone in this and it's sad to know that there's no honest way out. In this life we lead, we could conquer everything if we could just get the brave to get out of bed in the morning.”

“And I give a thank-you to my father for not raising me, and I give a finger to my step-father for beating me, and I give props to myself for achieving, and god damn I’m glad that I survived, and god damn I’m surprised that I survived.”

“So I looked into your eyes and I saw the reflection of a coward you and I both hate very much and then I grabbed the knife and I let the blood out of your throat and I smashed those tiny mirrors inside of your skull.”

“If I don’t go to hell when I die I might go to heaven, might go to heaven. But probably not.”

“Just happy times and half assed rhymes and mimes because mimes are dears, but most of all I want no more tears.”

“No more racism. No more discrimination. No more fat dumb fucks keeping people out of our nation.”

“We’re all one big band across this land and we should sing in tune. Let us grow the balls to break the walls, we’ve got to do it soon.”

“And I hope our candles flicker and die so that our hearts don’t burn to the ground.”

“First we were babies, we're birthing and dying. Then we were children, we're playing and crying. And then we're teenagers and smoking and fucking. But now we're all grown up and we're sadly sighing.”

“And your manic depression, it comes and it goes. Your parasympathetic nervous system reacts and you're in fight or flight mode.”

“How's the world so small when the world is so large? And what made the world? Could I please speak to who's in charge? Everything is real but it's also just as fake. From your daughter's birthday party to your grandmother's wake.”

“I've tried to know which words to sing so many times. I tried to know which chord to play and I tried to make it rhyme. And I tried to find the key that all good songs are in. And I tried to find that notes to make that great, resounding din.”

“There's someone in your head waiting to fucking strangle you.”

“I've got essays, I've got finals due. I have got lots and lots of problems.”

“Welcome to this world, have as much fun as you would like while helping others have as much fun as you're having. Be kind to those you love and be kind to those you don't but for God's sake you gotta be kind.”

Can’t Maintain (2009)

“I wanna pick up the pieces and plant them in the ground. When a tree grows there I want to chop that tree down. Build it into a boat and float it in a lake. And with dynamite I will explode the thing that makes me make mistakes.”

“Sometimes I get so lonesome I can't breathe. Sometimes I get so scared that I can't speak. Sometimes I get so worried I can't hear my heartbeat. Anyway…”

“I wanna tear out my heart and give it away to a person more deserving one day. If all I see is the worst in everything that's all I'm gonna get, that's all I'm gonna get, that's all I'm gonna get.”

“And people freak me out. People make me scared. People make me so damn self-aware.”

“I get bronchitis twice a year at least. My lungs aren't the way they should be. And I smoke more than a mother fuckin chimney. I declare war on my body.”

“You will cough up crows that peck my eyes and I will do nothing but go blind.”

“We could live there together or I'll live alone, less happy but I'll live... unfortunately.”

“And no one will know how I truly feel ‘cause I can no longer differentiate between what is fake and what is real. I don't know how I feel.”

“And I will always appreciate bad days like this because they grant me a point of reference in regards to my happiness.”

“If the bridge that I was driving over collapsed while I was driving over it that may not be such a bad thing. I would finally meet my maker, I could meet the great creator, and I'd punch him for teaching me how to sing.”

“Don't know if I believe in god but sometimes I pray because the way I was raised keeps me afraid.”

“I hope I can forgive me for having the nerve to exist. I hope someone can help me make some sense of this.”

“Sense and sensibility and peaceful productivity, a pretty girl with broken wings is all that I desire. But there's so much hostility in all the things surrounding me. The awful glow of enmity is trying to stop my shine. So I try to look inwardly at all the things inside of me but sodomy and buggery keep bubbling to the top.”

“I met you once over the phone, you sounded sad and you seemed alone. You left me but I never left you. I never had the chance to.”

“If you spend all your heart on something that has died you are not alive and that can't be your life.”

Knife Man (2011)

“There's no one to blame. People are just fucking mean.”

“So if I see a penny on the ground, I leave it alone or fucking flip it. I'm a straight white male in America. I've got all the luck I need.”

“I've got a pile of broken mirrors and I'm walking under ladders and I'll spill a ton of salt because to me that doesn't matter.”

“You were dead by the time that I had found you. Your blood was spilled on the couch where we had first kissed. So I carried you west to the sea so I could wash you. Your body felt just like a back pack.”

“I hate whiny, fucking songs like this but I can't afford a therapist. Sorry guys, here's a solo.”

“Some days I feel like I'm the weakest and others the strongest. These days are the longest and I've got the weirdest feeling about this and I wanna go away for a while.”

“I wish I had a bullet big enough to fucking kill the sun. I'm sick of songs about the summer.”

“When you have no one, you are no one. Like I said, I used to work at the people pound. All these no ones clumped together, just like a human lost and found. If they left them all be someones there wouldn't be enough to go around. It's better for us all us if there are no ones. And I knew a lot of no ones round that time. They used to all be someones until something took their life and all their someones disappeared while they're stuck there waiting in a line. And for them now, no one seems to have the time.”

“They say ambition is an enemy of weakness and greatness is an enemy of fame.When I pick up my guitar and I try to write a song, I think of what my mentor used to say… “Who fucking gives a rat's ass Steve, just write a love song. Cus they'll keep your belly full and your wallet lined. Don't bother these nice people with your sad sack songs. If you ask me I think they're just a waste of time.””

“Inspiration is the best friend of my sorrow and sorrow is the best friend of my drink. Well I want to look myself in the eye tomorrow but I'm too worried of what other folk's will think.”

“And the troubles in my heart need to get let out. And the troubles in my heart need to escape. And I never liked writing poetry and I never liked doing pottery and God knows that I never learned to paint. So every now and then, I'll sing sad songs. Cus it keeps my spirit light and my conscience clean. And if you don't care to hear I don't mind if you go out for some air. Cus I'm happy that you're happier than me.”

“So I wish I had a cigarette for every time a perfect stranger asked me for a cigarette but I wonder what a cigarette will really do to help that person out. I wish to God I had some spare change for every time a perfect stranger asked me for some spare change but there's not enough spare change in the world to make such an empty gesture count.”

“You can hope it gets better and you can follow your dreams but hope is for presidents and dreams are for people who are sleeping.”

“You don't have it any better and you don't have it any worse. You're an irreplaceable human soul with your own understanding of what it means to suffer and that’s a huge bummer.”

“I'm afraid of the way I live my life. I'm afraid of the way I don't. I'm afraid of the things that I want to do but I won't. I'm afraid of God. I'm afraid to believe and I'm afraid of all the loved ones that I've made leave. I'm afraid that my dog doesn't love me anymore. I'm afraid of the social laziness that let Kitty Genovese die. And I'm afraid of the mob mentality that makes otherwise normal people go blind. I'm afraid of the way that the world works and I'm afraid of the words in my notebooks. I'm afraid that you all know that I am a pervert.”

“It's harder to be yourself than it is to be anybody else. I wish I were a little less of a coward but the big red bird that lives under the city doesn't give a damn about me and it dies every night. So I bought a knife. I am a knife.”

Rompilation (2012)

“I used to be a spiderman, I used to be a cowboy from hell, but not anymore. Now I'm just a clam and I live inside this shell inside this shell I am. God damn I hate my brain.”

“I'll dip my brain in medicine so that you can stand to be with me.”

“Give me your tired, give me your tired, give me your poor. When our government acts like this, I wonder what World War II was for and the rest of the country hates us more and more. Lady Liberty is not a whore.”

“This is not a protest, it's a tortoise slowly pushing through a race. I hope the tortoise keeps its patience while the hare continues to pepper-spray its face.”

“There is no enemy, there's only people that also love their families and they're scared that they won't have enough long after they are deceased. But how much money do they need? Love turns into fear, and fear turns into greed. There is no enemy, there's only dummies that also love their families.”

“And this is not a phase, it's just a matter of time, with diligence and peacefulness, you will reach them and you will change their minds. If you stay there long enough, they'll start to see you.”

“And when you pushed my face in shit how could that have made you feel like a man or like a monster. It's your fault that I can't tell the difference.”

“In the evening I try songwriting. I'm self loathing, but I love singing. I'll try escaping these evil feelings but they keep coming, they keep coming…”

“So the baby's gonna have a daddy, that's wonderful news. He won't be the greatest parent but neither will you! Gotta get out while you can, otherwise you're screwed. Your legs are broken and your eyes are black and blue.”

“And smoking is like hiring a hitman for five dollars a day, and as cool as that is, I don't wanna keep dying this way.”

Christmas Island (2014)

“Shoot him again ‘cause I can see his soul dancing.”

“If you give it to me I’ll give it back much harder. If you treat me like a son, then I’ll treat you like a daughter. Everyone has a future, everyone has a soul, everyone has a heart, they have a mind, they have control.”

“The Coffin Dancer dances like he has something the prove because he does. He sleeps a couple hours in the morning, hates the morning when he wakes up.”

“The Coffin Dancer dances like he wants to make a friend, but he does not.”

“Getting naked and playing with guns. There's a gerbil in the microwave, a baseball bat in everyone. Sharing kisses and building a bomb. We'll set it off like Microsoft in '94.”

“McDonald's PlayPlace before the Xbox, cake frosting, sweet talking, bedroom wall, covered in knives, touching God, burning shit. We'll make a wish and take a trip to Future Town like our daddy did.”

“Have you ever wanted to be, have you ever wanted to see someone better in the mirror? Have you ever wanted to go, have you ever wanted to know somewhere greener, somewhere cleaner. I bet you got something beautiful in mind.”

“I can’t handle astounding works of beauty. I think I like my pretty pretty ugly but the beautiful soul I witnessed in that movie was an entirely different kind of overwhelming. It was a dog that won’t stop barking. Like a cut that never stops bleeding. Arizona sunsets in the early evening. Or a grown man inconsolably weeping.”

“I am the Kool-Aid stains on the mouth of a kid whose name is most likely Cody. He had a juice box for breakfast and he carries a stick that he most likely found in the alley. Cody doesn't have friends and his parents hate each other and he wants to find a better way to love his family and after school he hangs out in the abandoned house behind the Arby's.”

The Bible 2 (2016)

“Oh, I love you cause I love you cause I can.”

“On your last night at Saint Mary's you were way too intoxicated to breathe. So I used your ribs as ladders and I climbed up on your chest and I jumped up and down just like a trampoline.”

“Confused and rude. Such a special kind of way to be cruel.”

“If I were one of the things, I'd be american garbage. The most beautiful thing. The most beautiful american garbage you have ever seen.”

“No more shame, no more fear, no more dread.”

“And if you don't want to feel the feeling, no one should ever make you feel the feeling.”

“I thought I saw you before I knew who you were.”

“I just wanted to rage but all I got was tired”

“I showed him all the books that I was raised on. Your Madeleine L'Engle(s) and D'Aulaires' Mythologies.”

“And his eyes became a beacon, an LCD projector, broadcasting all my memories in a clear and vivid picture. His tongue became a staircase, his uvula - The knocker of an ornate wooden door that lead me straight into my future. His throat became a hallway with a thousand baby pictures and I became forgiveness, I transformed into the closure that I lost when I learned about the tragedy of all of us. I lost it when I learned about the tragedy of all of us.”

Good Luck Everybody (2019)

“If you don't give it to them they'll starve to death and that's alright.”

“I've got the normalization blues, this isn't normal, this isn't good.”

“I'm detached and I'm distracted, all keyed up but unproductive, vacillating between being all excited and disgusted and then dozing lackadaisically in this bubble where I've made my mental home. Connection's more important now than it ever was, but I'd rather be alone.”

“And when we talk about the president, we're either pissed off or we're giggling about an atrocity he's committing or some stupid shit he's tweeting. He's a symptom and a weapon of the evil men who really run the show. The ones who melt down human beings into money like a cruel Sorcerer's Stone.”

“This is the golden age of dickotry, probably the last golden age of anything, and the ugliest word in the English language is anthropocene. Good luck, everybody. Good luck.”

“But before that, you'll be a doormat, for every vicious narcissist in the world. Oh how they'll screw you, all up and over, then feed you silence for dessert.”

“I'm sorry that you have to have a body, filled with infection, one hundred scabs singing in unison, eyes and hands, sometimes bullets, uninvited, passing through us.”

“Oh to be awake for such a shitty dream. A bullet in the head of every decent thing.”

“The lake of dead black children that America created is getting fuller than the founding Fathers even wanted. The ghost of great America was underestimated and now it rages like a cold sore on the lip of this dumb nation. Again we've slipped inside a pit of absolute despair. That's where we live.”

“Rewarding our worst cruelty, they destroyed our shared reality, and now they upsell us our dignity like some fucked VIP package.”

“There is no absolute, these days there's no such thing as truth and you don't need to be a dick about it.”

“I'm a burnout and a fool, oblivious to all I do. I move my lips when I read and breathe with my mouth open, wide open. Timid, meek, and cruel, this is the best that I can do. I need to speak my truth, yet here I'm broken wide, wide open. My resentment, big and strong, and all the things that I can't change. They'll buckle me beneath the weight. I will drive myself insane with all the things that I can't change. I hate all the things that I can't change.”

“You're a loudmouth and a tool, and as it turns out I am too, and you don't need to be a dick about it.”

“Because I know that you know what I need more than me and I know that you need me more than that.”

“For all the pussies you grab and the children you lock up in prison, for all the rights you roll back and your constant stream of racism, for all the poison you drip in my ear, for all your ugly American fear. I wrote you this beautiful song called Psychic Warfare.”

“I hate you with all of my heart. I hate you with all of my art.”

“I went back to the desert, little Midwest in me, and now I am colder than I used to be. I live in a fortress the shape of my body, and now there's a coldness, and it's shaped like me. Now I don't suffer any more bullshit gladly. Even though everything's bullshit now, here in 2019 and you can bet it's gonna be a bunch of bullshit too out in sweet 2020 or whenever this album's released.”

[the-trashy-phoenix]

Supernatural season 4 review (part 2)

Link to part 1:

Irene and I have finished season 4, finally, and I was surprised I still liked it like the first time I've watched it. I couldn't wait to get there (who knows why?) and I was actually afraid I wouldn't get as excited as I thought I would; but fortunately it still gives me the idea that it is one of the best Supernatural seasons.

It all starts with Dean coming back from hell and being clueless about how he did it. He soon finds out the Angel Of The Lord Castiel held him tight and raised him from perdition and that he has a fundamental role in the intent to stop Lilith's plans to free Lucifer from his cage and unleash the Apocalypse.

Will this review (and probably the next 11 ones) most likely be a little bit biased for Destiel? Definitely. Will I try to stay as objective as I can? Yes, but this doesn't mean I'll be very objective, after all I'm writing this review knowing what is going to happen in the next seasons (and, more precisely, in the scene, you know which one I'm talking about).

I honestly don't even know where to start, so I'm going to comment on what I think is important as the season goes on.

I believe 04x01 is one of the best episodes of this season (and maybe even one of my favourite episodes ever) for several reasons. We have Dean coming back from hell and meeting again with Bobby and Sam (and both of these moments are very touching, especially Sam's one). Although the reunion might be heartwarming, Sam is already keeping secrets from Dean: he is collaborating with Ruby to defeat Lilith (and in the meantime he's using his powers, which are stronger than ever, cause he's drinking demon blood to increase them). He lies to Dean, telling him he stopped trying to use his abilities against the enemy, and that causes the biggest drama between the two brothers this season (that will continue on the next one). Dean (and the others) wants to find out who's trying to contact him and who brought him back from hell: I love the way Castiel is slowly introduced during this episode. At first with the ultrasounds and the handprint (which is definitely a fantastic touch, that kinda shows a little possessive side if you think about it, and it is inevitably funny if you know everything that happens later on), then through Pamela, showing already all his power, and at the end of the episode there's a "dramatic" moment where Dean (and Bobby) finally meets Castiel (in his vessel) for the first time, and this might be one of the most epic and iconic scenes in Supernatural. The dynamic between these two is fantastic from the beginning (am I saying this because I'm totally biased?) and the line "What's the matter? You don't think you deserve to be saved?" shows how Castiel has already understood Dean Winchester from just a look (and he's an angel who's not supposed to feel or understand feelings! Wow, the power of Destiel).

Moving on from this episode, in the second one we find out from Castiel that Lilith wants to break the 66 seals, foretelling the Apocalypse, in order to free Lucifer. On a side note, I like how bitchy Castiel is towards Dean at the beginning of their relationship ("Read the Bible. Angels are warriors of God. I'm a soldier", "You should show me some respect, I dragged you out of hell, I can throw you back in").

I love episode 04x03 because I usually adore time travel (it often leads to some funny and very unusual situations) and I find this one extremely sad and touching, mostly because Dean has the opportunity to meet his parents when they are still young (and Mary and John's sides he didn't know about) and finds out how their family became cursed (and the worst thing is he can't change its destiny).

In episode 04x04 Dean finds out Sam has been working with Ruby this whole time and gets mad about it, which is pretty reasonable. As much as a part of me hates when Sam and Dean fight, another part of me loves it, especially in this season, and it's probably because I think both of them are right and wrong at the same time. Ruby seems reliable (for now much more than the angels) and Sam truly did some good with her, so it is logical for Sam to trust her, since she apparently hasn't done anything against him and she has also saved him (which Sam confesses to Dean on episode 04x09). On the other hand I understand why Dean wouldn't want his brother to continue his process of strengthening his powers: he's afraid Sam won't be the same. Plus his brother lied to him, so it becomes hard for Dean to trust him, and this episode marks a pretty sad change in their relationship that will only get worse later in the season.

I should also mention 04x07 in which two witches want to bring Samhain, a celtic god, back from the dead. By doing that another of the 66 seals would be broken so Dean and Sam, who were working on the case, are told by Castiel and Uriel (another angel) that Uriel has to destroy the city, since the two brothers can't stop the witches from bringing Samhain back. Dean wants to prevent Uriel from doing a massacre and convince Castiel to wait for a few hours and let them take care of the witches. They can't stop them and Sam confronts Samhain using his powers, although he promised Dean he wouldn't use them anymore. At the end of the episode Castiel confesses to Dean that his orders were to follow Dean's instructions and admits he has doubts towards God. I consider this conversation very important, since this is the first time Castiel lets Dean have a look at his inner thoughts, even if Castiel himself is afraid of them, which gets me thinking that he already trusts Dean.

I also wanted to point out that Dean starts calling Castiel "Cas" pretty soon, even if he doesn’t want to trust him yet (although I believe he already does unconsciously). And what's even funnier is that, by calling him "Cas", he removes from his name the part that means "of God", which kinda gives you already an idea of what it's going to happen to him.

In episode 04x09 we meet Anna, a fallen angel, who doesn't even remember she has ever been one, since now she's human and has lived a human life for years. Dean and Sam meet her because she seems to be capable of getting in contact with the angels and is suddenly wanted from both angels (who want her death because she rebelled from heaven) and demons (one of them is Alastair, who knows Dean from hell). Anna and Dean form a sort of bond and she tells him she fell from heaven because she fell in love with humanity (they also have sex in the Impala, but that's way less relevant, although I want to point out that she covers Castiel's mark on Dean's shoulder with her hand, which is a bit disturbing). They can't stop the angels from coming for her so when they arrive we see a beautiful totally not programmed and still hilarious scene of Dean and Anna kissing and Castiel looking at first intensively at them and then shamefully at the ground. I mean, what was that? I understand that Anna and Castiel are sort of parallels, because they are both two angels falling from humanity (they also talk about feelings and Castiel confesses he has already started having emotions), but isn't it the whole point of Destiel? An angel that falls in love with humanity because of one man (Dean, if that wasn't already obvious)? And we get this concept involuntarily since season four? That's… funny. Apart from all of that, Anna manages to get her grace back and hides from Castiel and Uriel.

Another important element in this episode, and in the whole season, is Dean's experience in hell, in which time works differently (four months equivalent to forty years). He finally tells Sam what it has been like and totally breaks down as he says he has spent thirty years being tortured and, since he couldn't resist anymore, the ten left torturing other souls. He also adds in the next episode, with shame, that in torturing souls he felt pleasure, because all the pain felt as a victim disappeared: this is what devastated him the most. I feel like Dean's time in hell inevitably shaped his personality a lot in this season, but it's a thing that changes him forever. He is more mature and somehow self-aware (and I love this aspect), but he's also way more desperate and hopeless (a trade I think characterises Dean way more than Sam in every season, but that's definitely more persistent in this one than it's ever been). I might be a bit sadistic, but I don't mind the bad parts Dean has kept from hell either: they show us a vulnerable side that Dean has always tried to hide. There's also the evident contraposition between Sam's physical power and apparent strong state of mind and Dean's unstable, weak and soft one (also relative to what Dean's big role is in this season and what Sam is actually capable of doing to prevent the apocalypse).

I'd talk about episode 04x14 just to mention the fact that the siren (who's supposed to turn into the person who should most sexually attract his victim) decides to show himself to Dean as a man. I get he was supposed to replace Sam's role as a brother, but the whole setting, the fact that sirens' attractiveness is usually sexual and the fact that even the actor who played the siren admitted the whole scene was a bit sensual should tell us something (it also seems funny that they had to precise multiple times he was trying to be his brother because otherwise that would have seemed too gay, it still seems gay, but whatever).

In episode 04x16 someone is killing the angels and Castiel asks Dean for help to find out who the killer is. The angels have the demon Alastair captured and Castiel tells Dean he's the only one who can torture him. The angel seems to be really upset about it, because he knows how this could hurt Dean, since this is what he has been doing for the past ten years in hell. Dean decides to do it anyway and he finds out from Alastair, during the torture, that he is the one who has broken the first seal (by deciding to torture souls) and made the first step to bring Lucifer back. This obviously breaks Dean even more, since he already hates what he has done in hell, and makes him believe he's not capable of doing what the angels want from him (and he admits it to Castiel, and in the next episode his superior Zacharia tries to convince Dean he's the right man by showing him that even in other realities he would end up killing monsters). We later find out that the one who killed the angels was Uriel that, hating humans, was on Lucifer's side. He asks Castiel to join him but he refuses and Anna, saving Castiel from a fight with Uriel, kills him. I don't have much thoughts on Uriel, I didn't like him even when he was supposedly on the good side. The only thing I like about him is that he had already acknowledged the fact that Castiel likes Dean (who would've thought?).

I have to mention episode 04x18 as I think is one of my favourites of the season and that starts a series of other fantastic episodes (and basically another reality). Sam and Dean find out their life has been written (and published) by Chuck, who's apparently a prophet of God (and turns out to be quite useful later on). This is one of my favourite things Supernatural likes to do: metanarrative. In my opinion it really brings out something new and extremely funny (especially since I know this won't be the last time the two brothers will have to deal with Supernatural).

Another important episode is 04x19, where Sam and Dean find out they have a stepbrother, Adam, who doesn't know about their dad's secret life of hunting. It's obvious the most hurt by the situation is Dean, who would have never thought John could lie about something like that and who's somehow jealous of Adam, since he had the opportunity to live a normal life that could have been possible for him and Sam as well. The one thing that surprised me was that he didn't want him to learn how to hunt (unlike Sam, who thought it could be a good idea for Adam to know how to protect himself). I think Dean shows how he has changed throughout the years and now believes that, since the kid had the opportunity to live a normal life, he doesn't want him to experience what they have. He's more mature and he has become way better than his father and it's funny how now Sam is the one who thinks more like John (although I think there is still a relevant difference between the two of them, fortunately). We eventually find out that it wasn't Adam, but the monster they were fighting, and that Adam is already dead: at first I was a little bit surprised because I remembered that Adam would be in the next season, but it's Supernatural, so I should be used to it by now.

The next episode is important especially for showing us sides of Castiel's life that were not entirely clear before: in this case we find out how the angel reached out his vessel, Jimmy Novak. As much as I can see why Castiel had to occupy Jimmy's body, it's totally understandable that the man wants to go back to his life and that he doesn't want anything more to do with Castiel and everything about him. I also understand that he doesn't want to be with the Winchesters, although objectively they are right to want to keep him away from his family. In general the situation is definitely complicated and, from Jimmy's point of view, quite tragic. We can also tell Castiel, as much as he is already more empathic than the other angels, is not human and can't quite think like one, even if he has Dean who shows him his perspective. Knowing everything that happens to him later on makes me understand how much he has changed throughout the seasons (and knowing who has made that change possible warms my heart). It was quite strange to see Castiel acting like this since at this point I'm used to the Castiel in the latest seasons, but overall I like him a lot in the earlier ones as well.

At this point of the season, drinking demon blood for Sam has become like a drug and Dean can't continue to let his brother ruin himself like that, so with Bobby he decides to lock him in Bobby's panic room. I understand Dean is scared of what Sam could become and is becoming, but at this point Sam is at a level so high that he can't make it without demon blood, and staying for a long time without it could really hurt him further. It also seems that Sam is the only solution to kill Lilith and end the arrival of the Apocalypse. Of course Dean continues to argue that it's best to exclude Sam from this matter given his status, but Sam runs away and tracks down Ruby, with whom he's been working all season trying to be as discreet as possible so as not to worry Dean.

Sam's series of lies, the concern that he might become a monster, and the close collaboration with Ruby increase Dean's anger and disappointment with his brother throughout the season. He no longer trusts him and this deeply saddens both Sam and Dean himself, because he realizes that something has broken between them by now. As much as Sam may have his good reasons for wanting to work with Ruby (and he has), I think he's handled this situation in the worst possible way and that Dean is right about not trusting him anymore (or maybe I'm just a little conditioned by my love for Dean).

I think another reason that has increased the anger towards Sam is the fact that he has repeatedly admitted that he has been decidedly stronger than Dean since he was in hell. It's probably something they both agree on, but Dean is used to considering himself weak and not strong enough to sustain a certain situation. The thing that saddens Dean the most is the fact that his brother thinks so too.

However, this conflict ends with a fight between the two after Dean is able to find his brother. As much as I'm on Dean's side, I hated it when he called Sam a monster, because he knows that's the biggest fear that haunts his brother and calling it like that must have really destroyed him. After the fight everyone goes for his path: Sam with Ruby and Dean, finally convinced by Castiel, with the angels.

Shortly after, however, he discovers that his real role is not to stop the Apocalypse but to stop Lucifer, because he will be Micheal's vessel, and that when Lilith is killed the last seal will be broken, giving way to the Apocalypse. Dean disagrees with the angels and tries to convince Castiel to side with him and abandon the angels to try to stop the Apocalypse.

The twist itself is well constructed, although in my opinion, to make it even better, they could have shown angels as decidedly more reliable creatures, and then break all our trust (and with it also Dean's hopes). During the end of the season, apart from Castiel, the most reliable one seems to be Ruby. And that's why I think this is a much better twist: Sam completely relied on the demon, who always proved to be there for him, and to kill Lilith seems like the most logical move to make to prevent Lucifer from resurrecting. Even when I knew Ruby was cheating Sam the dynamic seemed so unexpected to me that I didn't even remember how she would do it. On top of that Sam's willingness to kill Lilith (mostly for revenge) and to stop the rise of Lucifer is actually what permits Lucifer to rise. So I can only imagine how guilty Sam felt after he realized what he had done (and the worst but best thing at the same time is that it's not even his fault, not entirely at least). Eventually the two brothers open and close the circle of the Apocalypse's arrival, which adds a touch of perfection to the whole situation.

Dean, after convincing Castiel to side with him, goes to Chuck to find where Lilith, Ruby and Sam are. Castiel transports Dean to Sam and tries to stop the angels who want the Apocalypse to begin, losing his life. This is another great step Castiel takes for Dean against his own brothers, proving that he now considers himself at Dean's side more than any other person's side. Dean arrives too late to stop Sam, who has already killed Lilith, and the fourth season ends with a confused and desperate Sam, an angry and desperate Dean, and Lucifer returning.

In the end I believe that this is the best season of Supernatural so far for several reasons: the arrival of Castiel who adds new aspects both to the Supernatural universe (talking about angels) and to the character of Dean (and later also to that of Sam), the continuous struggle between the two brothers, Ruby's character (which I think has been made quite effectively and which has also improved this season, as well as her relationship with Sam), the plot twist and the change that hell caused in Dean.

Usually this is considered one of the best seasons of Supernatural, and I completely agree, but having seen the series with long time gaps I feel I'll be able to judge only at the end of the fifteenth if this (and the fifth) are actually the best seasons of Supernatural, at least for me.

- Carly 💚

[doyelikehaggis]

Rowing the Rarepair Rowboat: Carenzo | Caroline Forbes x Enzo St. John (The Vampire Diaries)

"Thinking of jumping down and trying to walk across it?" Enzo asks from Caroline's right, sitting beside her on the stairwell. His tone is light, joking, one that she hadn't quite realized she'd missed all these months they've spent apart. 

She sniffs, sucking in a deep breath that only makes her chest hurt, and lifts her head up. She keeps her eyes straight ahead, staring at the buildings stretching out in front of her as far as she can see before the snow makes it impossible. 

"The thought crossed my mind," she admits, cracking a slight smile. "With vamp speed, we could probably get to the airport just in time. Compel a pilot if the flight's cancelled." She looks at him, blinking once or twice to see him better as she pulls a teasing look, nudging his shoulder. "Or we could just get you to fly it, Captain Lorenzo."

Enzo chuckles at the emphasis she puts on his name. It eases a little bit of the twisting in her stomach, her smile a little more genuine as she watches him duck his head for a moment.

"I actually didn't go by my right name back then," he tells her, and she raises her eyebrows, but he shakes it off. His eyes and his smile turns sad as he gazes at her. "I'm sorry about all of this, Caroline. I know you wanted to be on that flight."

She did. She needed to be on it. Lizzie and Josie are counting on her. Were counting on her, and now she's probably going to have to let them down. Again. She had told herself she would be there, especially after everything that's happened with them lately. 

"It just wasn't supposed to be like this," she says, shaking her head. "I was only supposed to be gone a few months. I wasn't—wasn't supposed to miss Christmas, or their birthday, or—"

She clamps her mouth shut, her throat aching like it's made of sandpaper.

"I just wanted to be there."

There are only so many holidays she's going to get with them. Even without the merge, she was always going to outlive them, and she's hated the thought since the day they were born. But it's so much worse now. 

"They have six years left," she says quietly, her voice shaking and her chin wobbling. "And I am running out of options. I just—I just wanted to be there, you know? For one day, at least. To see their faces light up. To watch them just be happy, without having to worry about any of this, to just—to just be there with them, as a family, and I—I just wish I had my mom because I am so lost and I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

She breaks down completely, sobs racking her body in a matter of seconds. Enzo's quick to pull her in, his arms wrapping around her as she closes her eyes against the tears and all of it. It's too much, too overwhelming. Everything hurts too much and she hates it, and why does this keep happening? Why can't something just go the way it was supposed to, why can't she be allowed to be happy?

"It's alright," Enzo murmurs into her hair, one hand stroking her back, her face buried in his chest and hands clinging to him. His voice cracks ever so slightly, and he tries to clear it. "Let it all out, sweetheart. I'm not going anywhere."

She can't begin to express how much relief the last part brings her, even if it fills her with so much dread as well. Everyone who promises they aren't leaving her finds a way in the end. Even the immortal ones. She just hugs him tighter, letting herself believe it for this one moment, because she needs this. She needs him.

They just sit there. She doesn't know for how long, but Enzo never once stops talking to her, his voice soft and soothing. Slowly, the bubbling of pain and guilt and too many other things that are tearing her apart from the inside starts to ease until it's a gentle simmering. Her sobs turn to sniffles, the tears eventually dry, the shaking in her body turns to shivers. 

Enzo pauses, and she can't see him but she can feel his chin move from her head and assumes he's looking at her. "Cold?" he asks her with concern in his voice.

Caroline huffs out a soft laugh that holds the smallest fragment of humour. "Freezing. So much for vampires being immune to everything."

Enzo chuckles along with her, one of his hands moving to her arm, rubbing through her thin coat. She curls in closer to him.

"We still function as humans," he reminds her. "Even we're not immune to frostbite. Immune to dying from it, yes, but getting all of the symptoms of it where our hands go numb and can't move? Unfortunately, no. Probably not the best idea to be sitting outside in the coldest weather of the century."

Caroline hums her agreement. Her throat is still aching, rubbing raw every time she talks. 

"Here."

She feels Enzo move again and pulls back slightly to look at him. Her eyebrows furrow in confusion as he produces a scarf seemingly out of nowhere.

"When you came up here, I was going to follow you but figured you'd end up on the balcony in our room," he explains as he winds it around her neck, adjusting it to wrap it around and back down. "But then I remembered the key, and I saw the door coming out here open. You've always had a thing for being outside when you're upset."

Despite all of the crumbled, broken pieces inside of her, she smiles a little. He pauses, checking to make sure the scarf looks okay. She just gazes at him as he gently moves a few strands of her hair until he pulls his hand back. Alarm rises in her as he begins slipping his arm out of his own jacket.

"What are you doing?" she asks him as he takes it off. 

"You need it more than I do," he simply says. 

Caroline starts to protest, but he's already wrapping it around her shoulders, seemingly unfazed that he's now sitting in the middle of a snowstorm in nothing thicker than a flimsy long-sleeved t-shirt. 

"But you just said—"

"Darling, I meant you're not immune to the cold," he cuts her off, shaking his head. He has a faint smile as he adjusts the jacket, pulling it closed around her. "I've endured much worse than a chill. Trust me, I'm perfectly fine. I can barely feel it anymore."

Caroline's heart sinks. It always does when she knows he's referencing his past in Augustine but trying to veer around actually saying it. She watches his face as he continues playing with the jacket, and then the scarf, making sure they're both just right enough to keep her warm. 

"I'm glad you're here," she tells him softly, making his hand falter and his eyes move back up to hers. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

"You would get through this," he says, completely serious and sincere. His hand is still hovering next to her, a few strands of hair between his fingers. "You would be upset, but you would pull yourself together, and you would find a way to get on that plane. Even if it meant you had to march right through this snow and demand that the plane takes off otherwise you'll fly it yourself if you have to."

Caroline can't help but laugh softly at his exaggerated tone, his intentions clearly to make her do just that as his eyes sparkle with a flicker of happiness. She knows he's right, of course. It would feel so much harder if she was here all alone, stranded with little hope of getting home, but she wouldn't stop trying to find a way to make it happen.

She sighs, wiping her eyes, feeling the dried tracks on her cheeks. "Well, it's a good thing you're here then, because putting me in control of a plane definitely wouldn't get us home."

"Nonsense," Enzo says, grinning, wrapping an arm back around her shoulders. "You'd make a damn good pilot. With some supervision."

"Oh, high praise from an ex-captain," she jokes, then pauses. "It is ex-captain, right?"

Enzo nods. "Yes. That whole part of my life is in the past."

Caroline just nods back as he shifts to lean against the wall behind him, pulling her closer. She settles against his side, tucked under his arm, her head on his shoulder. There's no hope of the snow stopping any time soon, and by the looks of it, they don't have much of a reason to be in any rush anymore. 

A beat passes, silence falling over them like the snow blankets the ground. She listens to the beating of his heart as her own finally slows back to an even pace, the anger and frustration and guilt seeping out of her, leaving her nothing but exhausted. 

"Can I at least ask what your alias was?" she asks softly, her curiosity poking at her as she looks up at him with a slight raise of her eyebrows. 

Enzo glances at her, then smiles.

"Michael Quinn," he answers with a strange raise in his accent, slipping from the gruff, charming British one she's used to, to a slightly softer American one.

He gives a laugh at her obvious surprise and confusion, and his voice goes back to normal.

"I adopted a completely different identity back then. Faked an accent, pretended to be American. It was easier to blend in."

"That makes sense," Caroline agrees, but can't quite wrap her head around the idea of an American Enzo, even if just for an act. 

"I started off a pilot in '42, because of World War One," he continues, to her surprise. "By '52, I was made a Captain of the US Air Force. I ended up working with the government. Shocker, I know."

Caroline's definitely thrown, that's for sure. "I thought you weren't allowed to talk about this?" she questions. 

"Well, considering all of the people I worked with back then are more than likely dead now, I think I'm safe," Enzo says, shrugging. 

Caroline nods slowly. His logic makes sense. And if he thinks it's safe to talk about then who is she to argue? It's not as if she wouldn't like to know more about this secret part of his past.

"So, the government?" she asks, twisting around in his arms and resting her chin on his shoulder. "What, did they have some shady secrets? Oh, did it involve alien conspiracies? Please, Captain Quinn, tell me this story has aliens."

Enzo laughs, and it makes her feel a little more at home for a brief moment. This storm will pass, she thinks. In all senses.

She'll call Alaric, somehow, and let him know what's going on if he hasn't already been filled in. They'll work something out. She will find a way back to Mystic Falls, even if she does have to compel someone to fly them home.

[nylaaaaa]

Little Secret

Chapter 1. Your Secret Is Safe With Me

Name and Surname: Natalie Fleur Estelle

Sex: Female

Date of Birth: 19th August 1692

Place ( Registration 

of      < District                     Cynthell

Birth  ( Sub-District

_________________________________________

"Here's the birth certificate. It has nothing about her parents on it as you suggested." I gave the man standing beside me, who had grown to be a brother to me, a quick, but satisfied, grunt of approval. 

"Thank you. Keep this between us and I'll keep up my end of the deal." Quintin gave me a questioning side glance. I knew he didn't appreciate me bringing up the past but I needed him to keep this between us.

"I don't see why you won't be honest to her. For all we know she might be like you..." I knew what he was suggesting, but I refused to listen. She won't be like me. She can't be like me. I waved him away, annoyance clear as day across my face. He will be annoyed too. We both have secrets. I just don't know whose is worth more.

_________________________________________

Today....

Today is possibly the worst day I'll have in my life. I'm honestly not sure. 

Today I officially turn 18 which, unluckily for me, means I have to add another thing to my job description.

Isaieth adopted me when I was born because my father died and it caused my mum to become a drunk. I don't exactly blame her for leaving and forgetting her troubles with a drink. But I also can't say I'm fond of it. I love Isaieth with all my heart, he feels like an actual father to me. But I sometimes wish I had an actual mother to help me grow as well.

When I was born my father died. No one told me how, I just know it was traumatic enough to make my mother a drunk. Isaieth adopted me when I was 2 after he had an accident that caused him to be deaf and partially blind. He wasn't fit for work anymore so the second I turned an age where I can go to the toilet by myself he taught me how to tend his farm. He makes a business by selling wheat that he grows and whatever we can get from the few animals we own. When I was 16 I found an abandoned lamb who we later discovered was a merino sheep. Merino sheep are, in my opinion, the best sheep you can get. Their carcasses are smaller than the average sheep so they aren't used for meat but rather for the wool that they grow. The average amount of wool the sheep grows is 11kg which is enough for about 11 sweaters. Aswell as the sheep we have 2 chickens, both of which are female. They were actually, in some ways, a gift from the king. The king and Isaieth are best friends almost from birth. They both grew up in royalty but only the king kept it that way. Isaieth was the son of a knight, and so in turn, Isaieth was also a knight. The king was born a prince and then was assigned a knight who happened to be Isaieth. One of the times when Isaieth was protecting the king he ended up getting seriously injured and the king fired him for his own safety. The king doesn't exactly care for the knight's wellbeing but because they were friends he decided a knight was too dangerous for Isaieth. After the event the king offered him a plot of land on the outskirts of the city that was run down and abandoned but had potential for a farm. Isaieth's dream as a boy was to grow old and have his own farm, so like any friend the king got him his own farm. Because of the friendship and countless times Isaieth saved his life our rent was greatly reduced and we were offered a permanent job to make sure we always had the money to pay rent. The job included selling off our produce from the animals. The eggs given to Isaieth was originally just starter food but Isaieth decided to keep them and let them hatch instead. When they grew to be quite old he kept a few of the last eggs they would hatch and did the same thing. The hens we have now are 1 years old, or will be in a few days. We don't get much from our farm but because of the discount on rent sometimes we have enough money to spare to get nice things. The average price of rent can go up to 100 gold.

(100 gold is like 1k, the money in this story is, bronze= pence or cents or whatever is the lowest in your country, silver= pounds or dollars etc and gold= the hundreds +. In simpler terms, but in GBP ((Great British Pounds)) terms, 1 bronze= 1 pence, 1 silver= 1 pound and 1 gold= 100 pound.)

Ours however got put down to 45 gold. It's still a lot that we just about make each month but we're still thankful that he even gave us this place to begin with. He didn't actually have to.

It's also lucky that our farm works well with rent times. Each month you have to go to the castle and pay your rent. If you dont have enough or you skip it they go to your house and either take a child, that becomes their servent who has to work for the money you didn't pay, or they take some belongings that you don't get back unless you pay extra. Luckily we've never seen it first hand but one of my childhood friends ended up becoming a servent from it. I haven't seen her since. Our wheat takes a month to grow so we've always got that to keep our money up. Unfortunately wheat sells cheap, one wheat grain sells for 30 bronze. Every month we grow, on average, 700 wheat grains but have to keep back 350 to replant so we can get 350 the next month too. So on average every month with wheat alone we make 10 gold and 5 silver. Which by itself is almost a quarter of our rent. Replanting and harvesting wheat is one of the most tedious jobs of farming, but maintaining is by far the easiest. You only have to water the plant at most once in summer but otherwise never. All you really have to do is make sure the plant isn't dying and be on your way. The worst job I have is turning the sheeps pelt into wool. She doesn't like to be milked so doing that is an annoyance but I dread making wool the most out of all the farm jobs I have. Next to maintaining the crop the hens are the easiest too. They lay at least one egg everyday, the only thing I have to do is collect the eggs without breaking them and make sure the hens are well fed and have fresh air. With making wool you have to flatten the pelt completely and then tie the strands together to make a really long piece of wool that I have to cut and ball up. It's the worst job on the entire farm but I can't say I hate doing it. My favourite thing is balling it all up after dying it. I'm just thankful all these things take a month to do or we'd be screwed on rent every month.

(Realistically these don't actually take a month, I researched so much to make the story as legit as possible but for story sake I tweaked the timing. Hens do lay one egg a day at least, if properly cared for and also depending on breed. But wheat takes a LOT longer to grow and you can only shave a sheep once a year. I changed the timing of it all tho or I'd have to be even more creative with money and stuff and tbh I'd rather not. Coming up with these ideas for the farm was hard enough.)

On average you get 2 balls of yarn out of 1kg of wool. Luckily for us our merino sheep produces 11kg of wool giving us 22 balls of yarn. 1 ball of yarn sells for 1 gold, so for 22 balls of yarn we make 22 gold. Personally I think it's extremely expensive but it does make sense considering there aren't many sheep around, which also means clothes, blankets and shoes are harder to get. On average with the hens we get 2 eggs a day. 1 egg sells for 25 silver, meaning the 2 we make in a day gives us 50 silver. There's 28 days in a month meaning with eggs alone we make 14 gold. Altogether in one month we usually make roughly 46 gold. As good of an amount as that is, 45 of it has to go to the king, leaving us with roughly 1 gold left. Because we're human and need to eat, bathe and clothe ourselves just like everyone else, whatever's left gets spent on stuff like that. On average every month we spend about 50 silver on food. I have my own plant pots in my room that we use for our own food. There's only 2 of them but in one plant pot I grow strawberries and in the other I grow raspberries. Truth be told if I sold the strawberries and raspberries we'd probably be richer but honestly, we're both kinda used to this life and although we don't have everything we want, we have everything we need. Besides the fruits take 2 months to grow and because of my reputation people would refuse to buy them for their actual price. They just about accept the other things, if fruits were in the mix I'd probably get death glares and 1 bronze for a batch. It doesn't bother me too much though because with whatever odd bit of wheat we had spare from the 700 odd we plant and sell we use that to make bread or pastry, so every 2 months we make the fruits into a jam or crush them and make a pie. My all time favourite activity is making them into pies or bread and jam with Isaieth. It's the only thing we can properly do together. He helps me replant and harvest the wheat sometimes because there's so much of it but usually he just watches from afar. His eye sight is getting worse the older he gets so he helps less and less. It saddens me because I know he doesn't want to go fully blind, we wouldn't be able to communicate at all and what kind of life are you living if you can't see or hear anything. You might as well be dead at that point or you'd be so throughly confused. 

Getting back on track. Today is a bad day because it's the first day where I have to pay for the rent. I've been a few times with Isaieth as a child but I've never gone alone. It's an adults job and should only be done by an adult. But today, aswell as being my birthday, it's also rent day. Isaieth didn't actually want me to do it but I insisted knowing that he would have severe trouble doing it himself. And what's more is that I have to go alone to sell our produce now aswell. I don't put any blame on him and I especially will never complain. But in my head I can feel bitter about the situation. 

I look forward to the day.....

...

No I don't. 

[cannyouuhearmenoww]

I Will Choose You Every Day

Making choices has never been my strong suit

Past events, friends, fights, attitudes, grades, weight can all testify to that

The problem is I'm always making choices for someone else

I'm always considering how what I do will effect those around me

And often I'm striving to please the wrong people

In recent years I've been better at looking out for me and my health, mentally and physically

When making changes one of two things can happen, either you fall right back into old habits or you tip the scale too far in the other direction

I fell back into the habit of being with someone who I needed to take care of

Then when I decided to let go and move on I jumped off the deep end of the other extreme

I became selfish

And I'm sorry you had to meet me that way

But loving you has brought me back to balance

For the first time I'm in love and being loved back by someone who can take care of themselves

As much as we joke and kid you could never get by without me, in reality we both know you'd thrive no matter what

And it's the most liberating feeling in the world to know you'd be fine without me but you still choose to be with me

I don't feel guilty for taking care of myself anymore because you support me unconditionally and you're not afraid to tell me if I've gone too far

You've shown me more patience than anyone else in your life and that's how I know loving me is not a fleeting romance for you

It's something real that you choose to work at every day

If I could go back and change the things I've said and done out of selfishness I would

I wouldn't have made you hear about him, I would've trashed all those pictures, I would have told my friends about you, I would have declared my love for you proudly, I would have heard you out instead of saying no just to say no

I would've never made you doubt this was as real for me as it is for you

I can't change the past but I can tell you the truth

The truth I thought would make me vulnerable, needy, and pathetic

The truth you've never been afraid to share with me

I'm choosing to share it with you now

Bryan, I started falling in love with you from our first encounter

(Well actually even before that)

From the minute I saw you enter orientation I thought you were so handsome

You had a smile that lit up the whole room

And a laugh that was absolutely intoxicating to hear

I don't know if you even realize it, but you have a magnetism about you that draws people in with your charm and charisma and I felt it right away

You were the first non administrator to greet me in the lunchroom

You came right up without any hesitation

Knowing you as well as I know you now I know you'll laugh when I tell you how nervous you made me

I tried to keep a cool and calm composer but I'm sure my blushed face and shaky words were a dead give away

I wanted to take your invitation, I really did, but I couldn't get up the courage to

I was so scared I'd go with you and I'd make a bad first impression on you and everyone else because I was so shy and nervous

So I went with the safe bet and stuck with the people who were just as scared and nervous as I was

It was the cowardly thing to do and I beat myself up over it for weeks after that

But you gave me hope I hadn't completely messed up because in the computer lab you included me in conversation and even offered a tour for the new people

I admired (and envied) your confidence and for the first time in that new and scary place I felt safe and it was with you

Our following encounters were meaningless in the most meaningful ways

You would help out in our class to do puzzles, projects, and games and bring excitement to otherwise monotonous days

I found myself eagerly looking towards the door at the sound of the handle turning hoping it would be you

And feeling disappointment in the pit of my stomach when I didn't see your face

Based on our personalities it is no surprise you were the first one to suggest activities that involved spending more time together like going to pick up lunch

When you asked if I'd be interested in dressing up together for Halloween you made me feel like somebody for the first time in a while

I felt special, you had friends who wanted you to dress up with them and of all those people you wanted to do something with me

A girl you barely knew (who often gave you a lot of attitude because she didn't know how to flirt with you to save her life)

For the first time since I had started that job 2 months earlier I was excited on my way in that morning

I knew it was going to be a fun day, and not because of any activities, but because I knew I had a reason to spend more time with you

I had no idea how hard that day was going to be for you

I knew you received failing test results the night before but it was not until later on that I would find out the magnitude of what that truly meant to you

I was impressed by how you kept a brave face on through everyone asking and offering condolences and suggesting you'd have better luck next time

I remember wanting to say more about it but knowing it wasn't my place

When you asked me to go out with you after work I don't think I could have said yes fast enough

Which was surprising to me because normally the thought of going out alone with someone I barely knew would leave me riddled with anxiety

But instead I found myself smiling at the thought of having all of your attention on me

Sitting there at the bar with you I knew that was it for me

The conversation flowed so naturally, my face hurt from laughing and smiling so much

Everything about it felt natural; confiding in you, sitting close to you, letting time pass with you

On the night after your birthday, a night that was supposed to be celebrating you, you chose to take me out for drinks and then to the haunted house I wanted to go to so bad

When we arrived I was admittedly more scared than I thought I would be but being with you kept me calm

I trusted you so much even as acquaintances

Here I was at a haunted house, with a guy I barely knew (but was very interested in), dreading going home to a boyfriend who loved me but even at our best never made me feel this alive

The chemistry I felt when I grabbed your arm was undeniable, I didn't want to let go but I knew I had to

I hated saying goodbye to you that night

I hated the uncertainty of what that night meant to you

I was left pleasantly surprised when you messaged me on Instagram that night (we still hadn't even exchanged numbers yet)

I remember my face lighting up when I get your message and being so excited to tell my family about the time I had spent with you

And they called it right away, they could tell my heart was beating for you a mile a minute, and they feared what my next choice would be

Just 2 nights later we went out again, this time you wanted to introduce me to your best friend

As a girl, meeting a guy's female best friend, is probably one of the most nerve racking experiences because girls can be brutal

But once again you proved I was safe with you and you never left my side the whole evening

We were at a table with a group of other people in an overcrowded bar and yet somehow it felt like we were the only 2 people in the world

From there came the nonstop messages, the never ending conversation

I would struggle to stay awake at night to talk to you and wake up excited to see what message I would have waiting for me in the morning

I was absolutely addicted to conversing with you, we could talk about anything

TV, movies, music, friends, family, school, philosophies, anything

You were my best friend

Weekends became the hardest part, during the week work was an excuse to see you and get together after but I wanted reasons for to see you more

I remember buying our Silverstein convert tickets and counting down days on my calendar to Brittany's engagement party

I remember it became harder with every passing day to keep lying to the people in my life about you

I chose to keep you a secret, I chose to try to continue my life's status quo and in doing that I chose to hurt you

I was selfish, I didn't want anything to ruin what we already had going and I didn't want to fully commit to what we were so clearly becoming

My poor choices caught up to me the first day I went to your house

On the drive to your house (from North Plainfield) I remember thinking about how much I had missed you over the past couple days and how much I would miss you for the week you'd be away

Now at this point I knew I liked you, and I wanted you, but I had no idea I was going to leave that night in love with you

You greeted me at the door with my favorite wine, you showed me to your room and put on your favorite movie

You told me why it was your favorite and I let your every word pull me closer and closer to you until we were merely inches away

You ordered us food, we did our normal amount of bantering and laughing and I knew I could do this with you every day for the rest of my life

You took me out for dessert and showed me all the places in Montclair you'd like to take me one day

We saa at the bar with question cards in hand, making light of the cheesy blind date game on the counter

As questions passed our answers became more involved and you said something I'll never forget

We were talking about why you went into physical therapy, you told me stories of how you've seen physical therapy change people's lives

You said "all I want to do is make a difference, I want to help people in any way I can, so I chose a career that would allow me to help people physically and mentally"

Those words stood out to me because that's all I had ever wanted since I got into psychology and nutrition and fitness

I wanted to help people feel as good as they can, and if I can have a positive influence on even one person in my life I will have succeeded in that goal

Having the same hopes, goals, values, and dreams as someone is rare

I knew you were something special, you could never be just a friend

When we got back to your house I could have chosen to go home

You could have chosen to ask me to leave

But instead to invited me in and I said yes

We repositioned ourselves on your bed but this time I couldn't bear to waste anymore time away from you

I took a chance you felt the same way and would be okay with my resting my head on your shoulder

I felt discouraged when you didn't immediately wrap me up in your arms, but I knew you were being respectful of my situation

Eventually I wore you down and for the first time we laid together, body to body, breathing in unison

You were excited to tell me about your favorite show and I was excited to see you so happy

It took almost 2 hours but you finally got up the courage to tilt my chin up towards you and bring our lips together

I felt catatonic shock, like there was an electric charge running through my veins

I felt all the hair on my body stand up and tensed up muscles begin to melt and relax

I wanted to keep going but I chose to stop because that moment validated everything I felt towards you was real

I drove home that night with my head spinning determined to use your time away to as a chance to clear my head

All my thoughts revolved around you, and even after our conversation about how you felt towards me, I once again made the cowardly decision to put off making a choice between you and him

I started cluing in my friends and family about what had happened and they were not happy with me

I had once again made a choice that disappointed everyone so I decided in that moment to be selfish

I kept doing what I was doing because it was making me happy without considering what I was doing to you

When you got back I knew things were different between us

You took me to dinner and museum in the city, by an standards a romantic date, and I was cold and distant

I felt guilty over my difficulty to make a choice

But you never faultered, you stayed positive, and continued to work to win me over

Then came the engagement party, an event I had so been looking forward to since you had invited me

I got my hair done the way you suggested and agonized over what to wear to impress you

As the alcohol continued to flow we got more and more comfortable putting our hands on one another and I was overly excited to go home with you

You held my hand for the first time in the car and once we got in bed you grabbed my face, with more force than before

You kissed me without stopping

I kissed you back and in that moment I had never wanted someone so bad in my life

But even with my head clouded with desire the little voice of guilt returned and I knew I couldn't go through with it, not like this

I made the choice to say no and I knew that made you feel unwanted and I'm sorry

I knew I would not be able to say no forever, not even for a week

The following week you planned a special date for us, because once again you were not ready to give up on me

You took me to medeveal times, another place I wanted to go, and showed me a real date could be like with someone you click with

I knew that would be our night

I knew this time if you made a move I wouldn't say no

I knew you'd make a move

I felt the same electric charge of desire and excitement as the first time we kissed

With you body pressed against mine I knew you had been lusting over the thought of this encounter

You made me feel pleasure I had never felt before and with our bodies together as one for the first time I fell deeper in love with you

I didn't want that night to end, I didn't want to return to my reality of still having to choose

My choice was clear but I was still so scared to take the jump with you

I knew as time passed I had to act soon or I'd lose you forever

With that thought in my head I officially chose you the day I said goodbye to him

I said I wanted time to myself but that was a lie, I wanted you, but I didn't want you to doubt my feelings

I didn't want to scare you away with the notion that you were only a rebound

I wanted you, I chose you, I was committed to making it work with you

I think we were both in a state of euphoria when we were finally free to be together

I spent every night with you over winter break

But reality hit us as hard as my back hit the mountain on our snowboarding trip

I couldn't put a label on us because I was scared of what people would think and I was choosing to please them over you

I was still talking to you as only a friend when you deserved my respect as a partner

I made a lot of my mistakes that first month that I wish I could take back

Happiness was finally back in our lives when we chose our special day and that high carried us to Valentine's day

I took you for granted that day and I'm sorry

Even though we smiled through most of the evening I'll never forget the fight that ensued upon arriving home

For the first time I was scared of really losing and there was nothing I could say because all your complaints were true

I wasn't treating how I'd treated others and you deserved better because you were the best thing that had ever happened to me

I promised to be better but the lingering resentment only led to more fights

There was one week in March I was convinced that would be it

You were upset with how I ignored your friends in the halls, shared secrets that were meant to stay between us and made you question if I was truly in this with you

I was being selfish

That was a rock bottom for me

I knew I had to change

I knew everything you were telling me was for my own good, not for selfish motives

I know I'm not perfect now but I hope you see how far I've been trying to come for you

I hope you know I'm here for better and for worse

I hope you know any future involving you would make you happy

I'm done being selfish

I'm choosing you always

I know making these choices was what was best for us because this time spent with you since then has been the happiest of my life and I mean that sincerely

And all I could think of at the wedding cerey the other night was the vows I would write to you

I would vow to support you no matter what, with work, with your test, with you furthering your coaching and education, I'd be here for it

I would vow to always be loyal to you above everyone else because you are the most important person in my life

I would vow to be honest with you, no matter how hard that may be or how scared I may be to do so

I would vow to always be the best person I can be because you deserve no less, and even if I suck at taking criticism I'd do my best to hear you out always

I would vow to respect you always, I would give you space when you ask for it and always speak to you as my equal and never question your feelings

I would vow to love you, whether it be through words or actions

Most importantly I would vow to choose you, to wake up every day and never be afraid to let the world know that I am yours and you are mine because you have given me the courage I have always lacked

And even though marriage is a long way away, I vow these to you now

I love you more than anything Bryan

I choose you as I always have and I always will ❤️

[contentstarved]

Hate to bother you but since the OP of that one Cloud post you reblogged is deactivated, do you have any idea where those renders are from??? I've never seen them before and they don't seem to match the way Cloud looks in part 1 of the remake so??? I need context for this whump fuel, basically lol Sorry to be a bother lol

oh hell yeah i can tell you about it!!! hi!!! i'm actually super excited that you wanted to ask me about it, you're not a bother at all!

those renders are from one of the very first final fantasy 7 remake trailers, back from 2015! those screenshots specifically are from about 50 seconds in in that video.

like as much as i love how he looks in the released version of the game because he's so pretty, i think that that's more closer to how cloud would look when he's healthier - though he still looks super skinny imo. you can tell it better from this figurine for advent children cloud from gametoys. you'll have to scroll down to see him shirtless, but he's definitely Skinny.

i would've loved to see him actually look like shit in the released game, because like. he's been in a 5 year coma being experimented on before ultimately being left for dead. his best friend hauled him around for a year and probably did the best he could to look after him but they were both probably doing like shit. there is NO WAY he came out of it looking like he's at any kind of healthy weight

(not to mention that in the game he survives on like. 2 shots of alcohol and like 1 dinner and is otherwise forced into a few situations where he has to be Around food but is in no position to actually fucking eat for whatever reason or another}

tbh i'd ask a modder if they could please make this for me but i fear that they would just look at my message and go ohhh you're a FREAK freak aren't you and i'd have to be like. yes.

but thank you for asking!! i'm pretty much always happy to ramble about cloud because he's who i'm. Super Fucking Fixated On at the moment and i'm a lot better at talking about him with prompting lmao

[punkscowardschampions]

Joe & Ronnie

Joe: Where you been lately? Joe: I just got some good shit in Joe: Come over Ronnie: Around Ronnie: You want coordinates? Ronnie: Who from? Joe: So mysterious Joe: just a clue Joe: been bored Joe: I went down Tavy Bridge Joe: Happy? Ronnie: devil's in the details you deviant Ronnie: a who not a where like Ronnie: reserving judgement til i get my taste Ronnie: trust you as far as I cba to throw you, mckenna Joe: could say the same of what i asked you but likewise, cba Joe: can hardly afford for it to be bad down that way, can they? but its that turkish bloke, never heard him called anything but boss Ronnie: got me interested Ronnie: how much you get Joe: more than you got by the sounds of Ronnie: touchy Ronnie: missed you too cunt Joe: right Joe: believe that when i see it baby Ronnie: you want a show, yeah? Ronnie: Must be bored Ronnie: Shoulda joined us. You'd have been about it I reckon. Was good Joe: I am, got a mountain of work to do and no will to do it Joe: Distractions needed Joe: I don't need an 'us' to have a good time Joe: but glad you had fun Ronnie: You know that's what I'm good for, baby Ronnie: take your medicine Ronnie: you'd have had a good time with her Ronnie: Tick another sister off the list like Ronnie: she's a better fuck than I reckoned she'd be Joe: No arguments here Joe: bring a lighter I've exhausted all of mine Joe: What are you talking about? Ronnie: Worn 'em out on your skin again you fuck Ronnie: State Ronnie: I'm talkin bout the princess bowing down to fitzy and me Ronnie: hell of a night Joe: Yeah don't know where I'm gonna shoot up now Joe: Oh well, I'll find a way Joe: Bullshit Joe: You're as sick in the head as me Ronnie: Get creative Ronnie: Plenty of veins Ronnie: And she's the sickest of the lot Ronnie: Believe it Joe: Your genius knows no bounds Joe: I don't Joe: Why would she do that? Ronnie: Fuck off Ronnie: Why not? Ronnie: Name a better fuck than yours truly Joe: 'Cos you and Charlie bragging is not a good enough reason to fuck up your life to find out if its unfounded Joe: Nah Ronnie: you want pics pervert Ronnie: it happened and she loved it Joe: No Joe: What the fuck Joe: If it did Joe: why would YOU do that? Ronnie: Why the fuck wouldn't I? Joe: because she's off-limits Joe: for fuck's sake Joe: what's wrong with you? Ronnie: not to me Ronnie: you're such a pussy Ronnie: cry it out Ronnie: how long you got? Joe: yes to you Joe: jesus christ Joe: you're not allowed to do that Joe: and you can forget coming over to mooch off my stash Joe: fuck! Ronnie: who the fuck says? she didn't Ronnie: I can do whatever the fuck I want Ronnie: get with the fucking program, mckenna Ronnie: you dont tell me shit Joe: She's a kid Joe: a fucked up one at that Joe: you wouldn't be happy if someone took advantage of Bronson like that Ronnie: what do you know bout it you doss cunt Ronnie: she ain't been a kid since her grandaddy raped her Ronnie: I've never taken advantage of anything but her student loans Ronnie: fuck you Joe: I was there, I fucking remember, and I've known her longer than you have Joe: You shouldn't have done it and you know it Joe: Dead wrong Joe: Charlie too Ronnie: You knew her Ronnie: you don't know shit now Ronnie: she came to us Ronnie: to get what she needed Joe: And you do? Joe: Don't front like you care about what she needs really Joe: You're full of shit Ronnie: I'm not trying to know her Ronnie: Or pretend to care Ronnie: I could give a fuck Ronnie: It ain't that deep Ronnie: It was one night Joe: For you Joe: My Brother is probably gonna fucking leave her Joe: You just wanted to help her fuck up her life Joe: 'cos you hate 'em all, right? Ronnie: Can't blame her if that's what she wanted Ronnie: well rid of that cunt] Ronnie: i did her a favor, yeah? Ronnie: unexpected bonus Joe: Shut up Joe: You know even less about him Ronnie: like your the expert Ronnie: so full of shit Ronnie: when did you last talk to him Ronnie: you hate him as much as i do Joe: Doesn't matter, I have reasons Joe: you don't get to have an opinion Ronnie: I got my own Ronnie: you don't get to tell me what i can and can't have, baby Joe: Well keep 'em to yourself like I do Joe: Yeah I do Joe: your share for starters Ronnie: make me Ronnie: like to see you try Ronnie: if i want it i'll come take it, you're not gonna stop me Joe: wanna bet Ronnie: yeah Ronnie: whatever the fuck you think you're gonna do you won't Ronnie: you don't have the ball like Joe: Try me Joe: but don't, 'cos I don't wanna see you Ronnie: Gonna grow a pair before I get there Ronnie: don't think so Joe: More likely than you growing the fuck up Ronnie: sick burn Ronnie: you've done too many on yourself, nothing left to hurt me Joe: Trust me, I'm holding back all the things I could say to you right now Joe: because that's you, not me Ronnie: do your worst, baby Ronnie: I love it Ronnie: You might like it if you let yourself Ronnie: go on Joe: Exactly why I won't Joe: I want you to suffer Ronnie: Good fucking luck Ronnie: You don't have the power Joe: Just the smack withdrawals like Joe: what a charmed life Ronnie: that'll be why you were begging me to shoot you up Ronnie: forgotten that first time already, yeah? Joe: didn't say I don't suffer Joe: I'm not that much of an idiot Joe: wear it on my sleeve like Joe: you do too but you shouting otherwise now 'cos you know you're wrong Ronnie: I don't need you Ronnie: I got gear before you Ronnie: will after Joe: Yeah but no one to give a shit Joe: sad washed up junkie nobody Ronnie: 'cause you do? Shut the fuck up, mckenna Ronnie: plenty of other warm bodies, Bea for one Joe: You know I do Joe: Bullshit all you want, can't change it Ronnie: Don't be pathetic Ronnie: I can match you damage for damage Ronnie: So what? Ronnie: You're not that good of a fuck even Joe: Yeah well if I could change it as well, I would Joe: didn't say otherwise Joe: You're the last person I'd wanna give a shit about for obvious reasons Ronnie: Kill the feeling Ronnie: bored and boring Ronnie: chatting this much shit like Joe: go fuck Charlie then Ronnie: gotta let him recover Ronnie: only fair Joe: considerate Joe: least you care about someone Ronnie: don't be jealous it doesn't suit ya Joe: not jealous Joe: impressed you can be vaguely human Joe: well done you Ronnie: you're well easily impressed Ronnie: never over it Joe: luckily for you Joe: don't take it for granted Ronnie: don't flatter yourself that anything I do is for you Joe: whatever you say baby Ronnie: that it? Ronnie: anything else you wanna come crying to me about like Joe: trust, that's not the kind of sympathy anyone is coming to you for Joe: don't flatter yourself Ronnie: says you but you're still trying it Ronnie: poor baby Joe: I came here to get fucked but you know Joe: you're worn out already so it's chill Ronnie: nah you're fucked up thinking you've been fucked over when it ain't about you Ronnie: I've got energy for days Joe: everything's always about you Joe: understood Joe: i'm not going to not stick up for Bea, say what you like about it and me Ronnie: calm your tits Ronnie: I wasn't putting her down Ronnie: no need to play the hero Joe: Yeah you were Joe: dragging her down Joe: why do you even let her hang around with you in the first place Ronnie: not taken her anywhere she didn't wanna go Ronnie: why the fuck do you care? Joe: because i care about her, obviously Joe: and the rest of my family Joe: that gets fucked over if she goes off the rails Joe: you don't like her so just leave her alone Joe: its not hard Ronnie: I'm begging nobody to come around Ronnie: take it up with her Ronnie: if you care that badly Joe: well don't let her Joe: jesus would that be such a difficult thing to do Ronnie: why do I want the grieve Ronnie: for you Ronnie: fuck off Ronnie: if she's got the cash or the gear she's coming in Joe: like its any grief for you to be a bitch Joe: i have the cash you don't need to tap her up Ronnie: Maybe she's more fun than you Ronnie: wouldn't be hard Joe: i don't wanna see you Joe: just take the money Joe: what have you got to lose here Ronnie: like i said, pleasure of the princess' company Joe: fuck you Joe: i'll make sure it never happens again myself if she's still out her fucking mind Ronnie: fill your boots Ronnie: love a project, don't ya, mckenna Joe: if you think i was trying to fix you Joe: then you're flattering yourself again Joe: big time Joe: we both know what this is Ronnie: had to find me Ronnie: try and fix it for your ma Ronnie: remind yourself how that worked out before you try that shit with bea Ronnie: you're a joke Joe: Might've started that way Joe: but I'm still here for me Ronnie: more fool you Joe: No arguments Joe: Oh gotta go Joe: Don't message me tonight k Joe: Laters Ronnie: where the fuck are you going? Ronnie: don't ignore me prick Ronnie: say something or I'm coming over Joe: Becky wants me to go out with her and her friends Joe: going to an exhibition so I can't have my phone buzzing that's all Ronnie: forget that slut Ronnie: she's even more boring than you Joe: I think the latter cancels out the former there then Joe: Some of her friends are alright, dunno, might be fun Ronnie: Shut the fuck up, mckenna Ronnie: we've got plans Joe: Who have I been having this conversation with since then? Joe: I told you no Ronnie: And I told you ya can't stop me Ronnie: stop whining fucking hell Ronnie: I'm on my way Joe: Neither me or the drugs will be here so don't bother Joe: you think I'm that dumb Ronnie: you think I won't kick your door in again Ronnie: try me Joe: Why bother? I'm telling you, nothing to find alright Joe: I'll slip you a key, save the door like Ronnie: you and some skank Joe: What, you get to be jealous now? Ronnie: I can be whatever the fuck I want Joe: You've been telling me all about your threesome Joe: all night Joe: you're crazy Ronnie: and you've been telling me you love me Ronnie: a soft lad like you fall for whoever you put your dick in Joe: You've got me wrong there Joe: I do love you but not them Joe: I have needs too though Ronnie: I told you I was on my way Ronnie: Wait for me and stop being a pussy Joe: its not just tonight though Joe: never know where we are Joe: you got other people, i can too Ronnie: Fuck off Ronnie: I'm about. You know where I am Ronnie: I can't be waiting around at yours with my legs open Joe: Yeah now you are Joe: but tomorrow you'll be telling me to fuck off Joe: Not asking you to but that's what it is Ronnie: So what you want me to wake you with a fucking kiss now like? Ronnie: I can't be running around holding you hand, you get that Joe: Obviously not Joe: So why are you mad? That's what I don't get Ronnie: 'Cause you're full of shit Ronnie: That is what you want Ronnie: And some other bitch is gonna give it to you Joe: So what if it was? You don't wanna do it so its none of your business is it Joe: but it isn't, a little normality every once and a while is nice but I'd never be able to keep it up so I'm not trying to Ronnie: You brought me here, you don't get to throw me away Joe: I'm not Joe: That's not what I'm doing Ronnie: You're leaving me out in the cold to go to some art gallery or whatever the fuck Ronnie: Lying prick Joe: Because you've fucked me off today Joe: that's all Joe: I piss you off all the time Ronnie: I hate you Joe: No you don't Ronnie: Fuck you Joe: See you later, yeah? Ronnie: Will you fuck Ronnie: I'd rather suck your brother's dick than be anywhere near you Joe: Why not get the full set Joe: Good luck with that one Ronnie: Why the fuck not Ronnie: Not getting what I need from you Joe: not tonight you're not Joe: you'll survive Ronnie: Like you give a shit either way Ronnie: Get the fuck out and take your limp dick to the gallery Joe: Don't put that on me Joe: I do care and I know you're fine Joe: You only have to ask and I give you what you need Ronnie: You're full of shit Ronnie: You know I'm not fine Ronnie: you're still going Joe: You aren't rattling is what I mean Joe: if you're serious I'll drop yours off on the way Joe: Will that make you happy? Ronnie: piss off, joe Joe: is that a yes or a no Joe: what do you want Ronnie: Go away Ronnie: if i see you i'll kick the shit out of you Joe: Okay if that's what you want Ronnie: I want you to stop micro managing me you fucking cunt Ronnie: like Ronnie's had her fix job done Joe: I don't mean it to sound like that Joe: I'm just trying to help Joe: to give you what you need Joe: I'm sorry, yeah? Ronnie: Your help is a kick in the teeth, mckenna Ronnie: If I'm not rattling you couldn't give a shit Ronnie: Fuck your pity parties Joe: That's bullshit Joe: I've got as much of a saviour's complex as I do a hero's alright Joe: You know why I'm still here, I've told you enough times Ronnie: But you aren't fucking here Ronnie: I haven't seen you for ages and you don't wanna see me Joe: I do but Joe: you fucked Bea, Ronnie Joe: then was a total bitch about it, call me what you wanna but yeah, it doesn't make me wanna rush over straight away to hear more Joe: still want you though so yeah, you got me, I'm beyond reproach fucked up Ronnie: What the fuck does that matter, it was fun, that's it Ronnie: I was off my head the 3 of us were Ronnie: I'm not gonna feel bad bout it but you're making it something it ain't Ronnie: It's only sex Joe: It matters because Joe: Never mind Joe: It doesn't matter to you let's leave it there Ronnie: Don't be a pussy Ronnie: Say what you wanna say Joe: Why? For you to take the piss? You're alright Ronnie: 'Cause I wanna know Ronnie: and you wanna tell me Joe: Alright, 'cos if her then why not Fraze or any of the others? Joe: I get that you don't like them and you wanna hurt them but I dunno Joe: Its my fault for thinking you wouldn't go there, 'cos maybe you gave just an inkling of a shit about me Joe: I don't want them involved in us, its meant to be just you and me, not them tainting it or us tainting them, yeah? Ronnie: Fuck's sake Ronnie: not everything I do is about them or you Ronnie: we were fucked up and we did what we did Ronnie: call me full of shit if you wanna believe I masterminded some kind of black sheep vengeance bullshit but it ain't Ronnie: if I was looking to fuck up your precious family I'd just tell them about us Ronnie: Bea used Charlie and me to get him to leave her 'cause she can't hack it anymore Ronnie: she's fucked up. You don't wanna hear it but she is Joe: Being fucked up still isn't an excuse though Ronnie: I'm not making one. I don't need to, I didn't do anything wrong Joe: Alright Joe: it still hurt regardless so Joe: I'll catch you later Ronnie: Don't go Joe: Ronnie don't Ronnie: don't fucking go Ronnie: I can take the pain away, yeah? Joe: I wish you could Joe: the smack barely touches it some days Ronnie: I'll get more Ronnie: the good shit Ronnie: Be there til it works Joe: I've got to try and get them to leave without me then Joe: got any good excuses? Ronnie: I'm dead Ronnie: You've gotta mourn for the next 40 years Joe: Not funny Joe: but might work Ronnie: Believable that you'd find me rotting in the gutter Ronnie: go with it Joe: Shut up Joe: not happening Joe: I'll go with the shits like a normal human Joe: off-putting enough Ronnie: has she seen trainspotting? Ronnie: arrange a viewing Joe: Surely she has Joe: Probably read it too, pretentious students after-all Ronnie: and you were gonna spend your tonight with these cunts over me Ronnie: priorities, mckenna Joe: you drove me to it woman Joe: i wasn't pretending it wasn't gonna be painful Ronnie: you love the pain, you twat Joe: Looks like it Ronnie: let me know when the coast's clear Ronnie: I'm only a couple of streets away like but in no mood to chat with your normie mates Joe: aww whaddya mean you don't wanna come and claim me and scare them off? Joe: rude but there ya have it Joe: i'm not the only one 'breaking hearts' tonight, Becky is devastated, like Ronnie: I'd love it Ronnie: But you've gotten pissy enough already Ronnie: Not worth you being a cry baby all night Ronnie: You've never broken a heart in your life, mckenna Ronnie: other than her own the fuck has she either Joe: I dunno, reckon it was true love with my high school gf, and where is she now Joe: also, i was a pretty cute kid, i'll have you know Ronnie: Shut the fuck up Ronnie: I'll find her and kick her teeth in too like Joe: Poor girl, she's definitely not invested enough to deserve that beatdown Joe: Its been 2 years, little late to the punch baby Ronnie: True love or uninvested, which is it you lying bastard Joe: I was joking, there's no way she's not over it by now like Joe: even if she was a little highkey Ronnie: Cover your arse now I'm about to deck ya Ronnie: yeah yeah Ronnie: They fucked off now? Joe: you can stalk her socials if it'll make you feel better Joe: probably engaged or got kids idk Joe: yeah, now putting their coats on Ronnie: I'm outside testing the lighter you wanted Ronnie: Be in when they ain't Joe: want me to come out and join you or we skipping right to main course Ronnie: go for it Ronnie: freezing like but not gonna care for long Joe: i'll bring my coat Ronnie: Pussy Joe: for you moron Joe: gentleman Ronnie: clearly a save Ronnie: I see ya Joe: i see you shivering like Joe: no need to thank me Ronnie: Unlucky, I had some ace ideas for how I was gonna Joe: Damn Joe: Can't catch a break Joe: You defs owe me for the gear still, yeah? Ronnie: Gentleman my arse Joe: You caught me Joe: but you gave me a lot in this conversation I've gotta prove wrong Joe: so its really your fault Ronnie: whatever you say, baby Joe: S'whatever shit YOU been saying Joe: but I'm ready Ronnie: I'll keep my mouth shut til you want it open like Joe: Yeah, you're no lady either Ronnie: thank christ Joe: Join you on that one Joe: Amen Ronnie: Join me out here Ronnie: Any slower you could say you're dead Joe: Feeding the cat Joe: not the only girl in my life Ronnie: Don't tell Charlie bout all the pussy jokes I coulda made and didn't Ronnie: not trying to piss anyone else off Joe: Secret's safe with me Joe: I'm sure he'll find another way to be dramatic Ronnie: you and him both Joe: Oi Joe: I'm not as bad as Charlie, you take that back Ronnie: no take backs Ronnie: who the fuck is though like Joe: aw, you love him really thought Ronnie: take that back Ronnie: soft lad Joe: can't Joe: i don't make the rules but you enforce them hard Joe: alright, if a guy comes and asks for a light, its me Joe: so be nice Ronnie: who the fuck is friendlier Joe: if you want me quicker you won't ask me to make that list Ronnie: fucking fine Ronnie: only 'cause I do want you now Ronnie: you're still wrong Joe: Coming