#and then bada bing bada boom Gay Shit Happens

[bylertruther]

modern au mike would be the repressed internalized homophobia harboring kind of gay that says shit like "it's not gay to kiss ur homies goodnight 🙄 that's just being a good bro" and is essentially playing gay chicken with will 24/7 which is why will never suspects anything and thinks it's totally unrequited. bc they have Always been like this . and still mike insists he's straight and who is will to say Um Actually esp when mike made a big stink abt dating his sister n also gets super defensive abt it any time they talk abt it or get anywhere even remotely close to talking abt it. hope this helps 👍

[helisol]

Wait so.. link to this quodo fic you mentioned in your tags?? I’m intrigued :DD

its only an idea but i will HAPPILY ramble about it in detail under this read more because i never finish writing fics but i do love sharing my notes.

they get Pretty Extensive considering this clocked in at 2k words. so strap in.

tl;dr: karaoke night gone wild leads to garashir and quodo setting each other up for holodeck shenanigans

so basically quark has acquired a karaoke program. everyone on ds9 is going mad about it and it's keeping the holosuites booked out for weeks

the main squad decides to try it out and they just jam to a mix of human, klingon and bajoran music. but lets be real it's mostly human music because i have a mighty need to see captain benjamin sisko tear up the dancefloor to Earth Wind & Fire’s September. so sue me.

anyway everyone has to sing, even odo, even garak and they all have a blast. the only person who is notably absent is Quark because Quark has a bar to run and Quark can't indulge in mindless fun activities when he has money to make.

Unless… Odo challenges him and he has to prove that Odo is wrong.

so yeah quark checks on the gang to see how they like this “Hooman Kara-oke” and if he can sell them some drinks and everyone is like “hey you should sing. just one song. we won't even laugh about your bad ferengi singing! we promise!"

and quark is about to say "ferengi voices arent that bad. im still not gonna sing tho."

but odo is ahead of the game and insults his grating voice and how it could only be worse in song. and because this is quark he’s like “actually fuck you. now I WILL sing.”

so he snatches the mic from whoever was about to go next and fucking Crushes It. 

while odo starts Looking Respectfully everyone else is just going "woooooo! go quark!" which makes quark just get even more into it

Takes His Jacket Off, Drops It On The Floor, Dances With The Microphone Stand. The Works. and he's also enjoying himself like "haha! suck it odo! i'm a good performer, it's how I make money!"

until he actually looks at Odo and Odo is Looking Back and then he’s like “wait what the fuck why is he looking at me” and Promptly Messes Up A Step And Falls Off The Stage-

so now quark has a twisted ankle and julian has to take him to the infirmary, which bums out quite literally Everyone and the gathering disperses, leaving only Garak and Odo.

garak as we know is but a simple tailor, but he’s Observant and his little lizard eyes did spy odo looking at quark and making the soup-version of heart eyes. we also know he is the gayest bicth on this station so of course he’s going to poke and prod at odo to see how he reacts.

garak waits until everyone is out of the room and asks odo if he can walk the dear constable home to the ol’ bucket. because odo looked a little melty during quark’s performance, y’know. it’d be bad if he turned into soup on the promenade.

odo denies this, of course, so garak is like “oh great then we can have a Chat :)”

and odo goes "wait no i hate talking” but then they’re in garaks shop and drinking kanar and garak is getting drunk off his lizard ass and talking about Julian because, again, he IS THAT BITCH!

meanwhile in the infirmary, Julian is trying to take care of quark’s ankle, but since he’s nosy and kinda Knows that quark wouldn’t just mess up his steps for no reason he asks about that.

and quark loudly goes “NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS JUST FIX MY DAMN ANKLE-”

which of course turns the nosyness up to 11 and has julian going 👀

"no i mean uh- i was distracted" "distracted? by what?" "nothing" "distracted by nothing?" "FIX. MY. ANKLE."

so julian sits him down on a biobed and gets whatever medical thingie fixes ankles in the 24th century. and while he does that he offers quark some wine to loosen the tongue about what made him slip.

anyway one thing leads to another and before you know it quark and julian are wine-drunk sitting on the infirmary floor and talking about garak. which suits quark just fine because it means he doesn’t have to admit he fell because odo was looking at him like he just revealed all the secrets of the universe along with his bare arms when he took off his jacket.

so we have two sets of gay idiots getting drunk in two locations and the next morning two sets of gay idiots have hangovers. yes odo gets a hangover. being soup does not exempt him from it.

julian and odo do the right, logical thing and take some meds to go to work and be productive and garak shows up in the bar to fight fire with fire and finds quark Already Doing That. 

so they just sit next to each other, beating their hangovers with more alcohol, and they get to talking.

garak goes on about how he took odo home and pretty much only talked about julian all night and quark is like “wow what a coincidence, the doctor and i only talked about you all night.” 

and it's all downhill from there because basically quark and garak just figured out that the garashir pining is Mutual.

"wait, julian was looking at me???" "yes." "AND I WAS LOOKING AT JULIAN-" "Yes."

and then they hash out this elaborate scheme to trap julian and garak in one of the Spy holosuite programs until they make out. this is garak and quark planning. how could they NOT make an elaborate scheme involving holosuites.

anyway i promised quodo so i will keep the ‘garashir makes out in the holosuite’ section a lil more brief

so within the next two days these two gay bitches whip up a new “The Adventures Of Agent Bashir” program, but quark has ‘adjusted’ the program a little so that it only ends when the main characters kiss. fun stuff.

garak and julian go through the program, havin a blast being spies, but at the end garak’s character gets “shot”, and they are so immersed in the story that julian is Actually Concerned and garak Actually Acts like he's in pain.

they kiss, the program ends, and garak- not actually shot- goes “haha gotcha, you wanted to kiss me before i died” 

so they walk out the holosuite one hour after their time is already up with a lot of hickeys and untied bowties. hooray.

But That’s Not What We’re Here For.

after garak and julian come down from the high of getting together julian asks Just How and Why quark would agree to help with this. quark Never helps Unless he’s helping himself.

and they realised Quark Has Played Them Like Cheap Kazoos. he just wanted to take attention away from himself and the unanswered question of why he suddenly fell off the stage.

so they go "wait, if odo and quark were both lying and obscuring facts and being weird about this, doesn't that mean- ohhh"

and it boils down to them deciding to help those poor fuckers because they are apparently off even worse than they were in terms of mutual pining.

they also hash out an elaborate scheme. this time it involves odo’s never ending hard on for finding reasons to throw quark into jail.

since quark technically violated the holosuite rules by locking garak and julian in there garak goes over to odo to report the “Crime”

after some back and forth about Why In The World Garak, Friend And Tailor, would report a crime to odo that doesn’t affect anyone’s safety Odo heads to the bar to investigate the holosuites and if there really was criminal activity.

he doesn’t ask quark for permission, mostly because he’d never ask permission to snoop around in quark’s property but also because quark is actually not there at the moment. for Some Reason he’s being held up in the infirmary. Weird.

so odo is looking through the holosuite recordings of the last few days, and he runs through what garak said was the illegal activity of locking them in there and just goes "Ah, alright, i can throw him in a holding cell for that.” but then he sees a message left by garak.

it was apparently left there today so garak must have prepared this which means something is afoot. and the message just reads "the karaoke session was recorded and you might wanna check what Actually™ made quark trip :)"

to which odo reacts with "hmph. why should i care. maybe hes just messing with me and quark tripped over a cable." but Odo looks at it anyway. respectfully.

and he watches the whole performance up until the point where quark falls. Multiple Times. until he remembers that this is a criminal investigation and he finally looks at the part where he falls from quark’s perspective, which is the important one.

and he just. looks right at himself. looking at quark.

and holy shit. he looked at him like he was going to shove him against a wall, not to beat him up, but to make out with him. he straight up looked like he was going to mess him up but not with his fists.

so he stands right in front of quark and replays that moment to see quark’s reaction and analyse how he fell. and sure enough quark Saw Him and his knees gave out.

after that he really just wants to walk out and spend the next 30 hours as a houseplant to cleanse his mind of any quark-related thoughts but uh oh. when he opens the holosuite door Quark Is Right There.

and odo panics and just pulls him inside, accidentally re-initiating the spy program.

“But how did Quark happen to be there at just the right time?” i hear you ask well it was OUR MAN BASHIR

while garak was at odos place telling him to investigate quark’s wrongdoings, quark himself got called to the infirmary for a check-up on his twisted ankle.

and julian kept him there, examining his ankle over and over, until garak came in to Insinuate that Someone is snooping around in the holosuites.

so quark, yelling "NO COPS IN MY BAR", hurries over to the holosuites on his totally fine ankle and bada bing bada boom, here we are.

with two idiots stuck in a locked holosuite.

odo is like "QUARK WTF" meanwhile quark is like "ODO WTF"

"YOU LOCKED US IN A HOLOSUITE" "NO YOU LOCKED US IN A HOLOSUITE" ”well it was you who pulled me in here" "but it was you who designed it like this"

anyway to get out they have to go through the program somehow. quark and garak programmed this very carefully. unless they follow the general story, there’s no way out.

and at first quark says "listen, its okay, we just have to kiss" to which odo replies with that kinda look you’d get from someone if you told them to swallow a cactus whole, for fun.

"you heard me" "quark if this is a joke-" "its not. i made rom pull an all nighter to put in the new sensors." "you paid him for this???" "no." "right of course."

and after a very quick cheek kiss doesn’t end up doing the trick the two actually go through the program properly. except quark knows the script, cheats a little, takes shortcuts and totally doesnt impress odo by shooting a few hologram guards on the way.

so they get to the end, where they believe odo is supposed to get “shot”, but turns out they mixed up the roles and quark is the one who gets shot.

And Odo Doesn’t Know. The Safeties. Are. On.

so he tearfully goes "WAIT NO- QUARK!" and quark is like "odo...odo come closer..."

"yes, quark?"

"kiss me"

"quark please dont die i'll kiss you and we'll beam you straight to the infirmary and-" "ODO JUST KISS ME"

and then they kiss. the holosuite controls unlock and quark thinks ‘oh great, now we can leave-’ but odo doesnt stop kissing him

and he doesn’t Stop kissing him until quark actually speaks up and has to go "HEY IF THIS WERE REAL I’D BE DYING BY NOW-"

"what?" "the safeties are on. I didn’t get shot. you just had to kiss me to unlock the controls-"

and odo is like "QUARK"

and quark is like "ODO"

and then odo gets up and is very convinced that he Must Turn Into A Houseplant For A Ferengi Lifespan To Atone For His Sins.

but quark says “no, wait. can you do it again?”

"yelling at you?" "kissing me."

anyway odo finally gets to fulfill his fantasy of pushing quark against a wall and quark finally gets kissed by odo like hes dreamed of for like 15 years or however long ago it was that they were first on terok nor together during the cardassian occupation.

the end.

[locallyloathed]

Hey, anyone want a long story about how I realized I’m a useless lesbian? No? Good thing I’m terrible at listening to people’s advice, let’s go!

Ever since I started working fast food, it has always been creepy dudes, none of whom looked to be under 50, that would flirt with me. I’d have Pride pins on my hat and they STILL never got the hint. After one day where 5 different creepy old guys flirted with me, it became a running gag in the restaurant that if I became the mascot, we could triple sales just by selling to this very diverse market of old perverts who hit on young girls in drive-thru windows.

I often would melodramatically wax poetic about how “Woe is me, why is it never pretty girls who hit on me? Why hath the gods cursed me?” I learnt to just accept it after a while, but it always lurked in the back of my mind... until today, when the gods got fed up with me constantly questioning them and sent me the answer twice in a single day.

The first time happened in the lunch rush, where I was working in view of the dining room to make food and take the occasional order. As I do my job, 3 girls walk into the restaurant, and all of them are just absolutely amazing. Dorky, fun, friendly, just all in all the best kinds of people to be around. They each place to-go orders, and as I hand the first order out, she comments about one of the Pride pins on my hat. I laugh nervously before hurrying back to line to avoid being awkward. Second girl kept giggling as I handed out her food, which I gotta say did NOT ease the anxiety. The third one is the kicker, since all three girls are standing together talking when I hand her her food. I do my usual “Thanks, have a very nice day!” routine as they walk out the door, and the last one yells “Just so you know, she thinks you’re super cute!” while pointing at the first girl I served. The girl gets nervous as hell and laughs awkwardly before forcing the other two out the door, leaving me sitting there, utterly baffled, trying to remember how to move.

For the rest of the rush, I was basically running on autopilot as my last few brain cells were busy wondering “Should I have asked her number? What was her name again? Did she mean it or was it just a joke she was pulling on her friend? Are they coming back at some point so I can ask? Would I be ABLE to ask?” I told my best friend at work about it and she laughed and teased me about it until I was back to the normal, soulless drone that fast-food restaurants like to see.

Until two hours later when I was placed in the drive-thru taking orders on the headset. Now, everyone has a different way of answering the headset, and I personally like to be super upbeat, because the customers are more likely to be patient and friendly to someone who does the same for them. When I answer the headset, my go to is “Hi, welcome to Taco Bell! How are you doin’ today?” to gauge their mood and personality to know how to act accordingly. When they sound tired or say “I’m alright, I guess,” I will tone down the energy and stay polite and calm. On the other hand, if a customer sounds super cheerful, I like to keep the energy going and typically start making puns about our food, because that’s the best way to stay cheerful in a job that isn’t exactly conductive to fun.

As I’m going through the motions, a car pulls in. “Hi, welcome to Taco Bell! How are you doin’ today?” I chirp out as per usual. “We are just awesome! What about you?!” responds a very cheery girls voice. “Aw shit, here we go again,” reply the braincells. The girls in the car are talking to me like we’ve all been friends for years and I’m just coasting on the energy and going with it. When they finish up their order, the driver hastily starts apologizing saying she has another order. I tell her it’s not a problem, and that, I quote “I just gotta tap a few buttons and bada bing, bada boom, we back in business, go on ahead with the order!” I overhear the one in the passenger seat giggle and say “I really like her,” and just like that, my brain cell count is cut in half. I take the order, send ‘em up to the window, and start taking the orders of the car behind them. I never got the chance to talk directly to them, but I did look up from my screen to see two cute girls looking at me. When they saw me notice them, they grinned and started waving frantically, to which I smiled awkwardly and waved back before continuing to do my job. After the brief line of cars is gone, the guy paying out the orders turns to me and says “By the way, the two blonde chicks from earlier wanted me to tell you that they think you’re cute.”

And just like that, I stopped being able to function for the rest of my shift, because once again the Gay Panic™ had set in and I didn’t know how to process the information. My friend teased me even more relentlessly for this one because she had a headset on too and had heard the whole exchange between me and the girls, including the “I really like her” comment and the subsequent anxiety you could apparently hear in my voice afterward.

So, to make a long fucking story short, creepy guys can hit on me because I understand how to write them off and go about my business, but cute girls cannot hit on me because I am an inherently useless lesbian who is incapable of processing normal thoughts after being complimented by girls.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

[dystychiphcbia]

this is a vent pls pls don’t mind me // tw for unwarranted s/xual shit, childhood trauma ment., whatever the fuck this is. just everything. please block ‘#long vent’ if you don’t wanna see this bc i’m on mobile rn so i can’t add a cut so bada bing bada boom

i feel:) so used:) and dirty and horrible and gross i want to vomit vomit vomit so bad i didn’t want any of the stupid stuff she wanted us to do i wanna fucking throw up thinking about it. i didn’t know how to fuckign say no to her and i’m Literally Fucking Gay. i couldn’t say no but i am a Nblm Transmasculine Person. it went from “ohh i think i like you” to fuckjfnf “csn i call your pet names bunny you’re so cute” to “call me pet names please:(“ to “i slipped into little space mid way through,” (WHICH, by the way, i didn’t fuckign like to begin with. i did it so she was happy with me. that’s fuxking it i jsut didn’t want her to be sad with me or upset at me) “but i didn’t tell you hahaha” dude she KNEW i experienced flashbacks from something i don’t remember (that likely happened to me, DING DING DING AAAS A CHILD) yet didn’t tell me i feel so so dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty and used and unclean and dirty and i want to fhckfjg die over this shit and veehrjnr HARES ME OVER THIS i don’t understand. i did it. there’s no ficking excuse for it i’m fuckign dirty j jsut pretended to like jt so she would be happy ididnt knOwnwhat she was doing to others i literally care about with my whole entire fuckjng beinf. i want to throw up at the tjings she said or how shesakd shit and heidhe got me to do shit she wanted she recognized that i was sweet she recognized i had trouble saying no she RECOGNIZED THIS TO MY FACE andbecsuse of her because of her i ruined my life so 😹😹😹 this is fun this is fine this is fine this is fine i want tifucking die over whag she did to me but this is fine i want to rip off my ears and my skin and get her voixe out of my head and erase everything of her she left with me i’m beignnoverframstix again aren’t i ahaha i liked it didn’t j i’m lying to everyone arent i i’m a bad person im lying to everyone i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry fuckfuck i’m lying

[kingbuckley]

I have 2 gay memories for you: (1 when I was a freshman in HS I went to my first GSA meeting as an ~ally~/confused person and a few weeks later, after talking to an older trans student, I was like "shit I'm trans" and (2) my senior yr I went to SF for a competition and met a guy who ended up being from my home town AND there for the same comp, nothing happened but it was funny ngl -🚑 (this is transtk btw sksndkdjd)

Baby I think ALL of us went to gsa in hs as an ally I went to support my trans friend and bada bing bada boom turns out I’m a LESBIAN

Send me your fav gay memory

[greateggcult]

As if JDATE needs more angst, there is potential for an AU where the shadow people were successful in erasing Amy. Instead of a missing hand her existence in the universe is changed like what happened to Todd. Dave gets this intense longing for a person that he knows in his heart should exist but does not. The vague sense that the love of his life was gone before he ever met them.

Later on in Korrok's lair, Dave encounters the infested clone double of Amy. Something in him clicks. He feels no other option but to try and save her. Bada bing Bada boom, the Korrok shit-splotion goes down. John, Dave, and the vat girl pop out of the portal in the taco stand closet. The gateway closes, separating the universes again. North is off somewhere else dealing with other issues that arose from the missing story elements.

Everybody is alive but Vat girl isn't doing so good. She becomes nothing more than spatter and a mental scar as the white parasites are birthed into the world again. John's angry because he had a feeling something was wrong with her and should have been left alone, but noooo Dave had to go all knight in shiny armor and save the princess. John pushes that aside because Dave is heart broken and there is a parasitic swarm to deal with. To be fair he also was on board with saving her even if she gave off bad vibes, something in him said she needed to be around.

John shoves Dave out of the closet with him, and shoots a propane tank causing the room to be engulfed in flames.

[insert the obligatory gay joke and awkward interaction here]

Other changes to the plot without Amy:

- John and Dave break into Jim's old house to investigate. They accidentally release the Monster from the basement. They kill it in a fight scene. The two take time to read through the work Jim left behind. Dave thinks it's just fiction but John thinks there is a hidden code or something. They misinterpret the information, and for a while they think they might be fighting a satanic sex cult.

- Dave finds the body in the shed and John has to go calm him down. Dave is basically under a suicide watch by John for a while.

- North joins the crew temporarily, after a strange argument with John and Dave. Good time for some much needed comedic relief.

- Dave attempts to return Molly. Finding that nobody is home he ties Molly to the porch and leaves a note for Jim. Later that night Dave get woken up by Molly scratch at his front door, barking. He figured it best to deal with it in the morning and lets her in for the time being.

[aesthetic-uni]

MORE SHITPOSTS BECAUSE IM TIRED

Normie: So, are all spider people gay?

Poppy: Well the ones I met ya

Normie: So if there’s an alternate dimension where I’m Spider-Man, I would be gay? Wild

Poppy:

Poppy: Normie you ARE gay

.

Poppy, filming Inamortia: Look at that spider!

Normie, from another room: That Spider!

Poppy: LOOK AT THAT SPIDER!!!

Normie: THAT SPIDER!!!

.

Poppy, that very same day: Stinky gal

MJ: No!

Poppy, holding Inamortia on a stick: Stinky bastard gal

MJ: NO!! Don’t be mean!

Normie: Brat spood. Naughty gal

MJ, in distress: NOOO!!!!

.

J.J, on the phone with Poppy: Poppy you gotta help me come quick!

Poppy: I’m on my way!

*one swinging montouge later*

Poppy: I’m here what’s wrong?!

J.J: There’s a spider in my bathroom and it’s rlly big please get it out

Poppy:

Poppy:

Poppy: BOY IF YOU THINK I GOT OVER MY FEAR OF SPIDERS

.

J.J, doing an painting video: Just cover up your mistakes!

J.J, .5 seconds later: SHIT

.

Cops: You can’t be here this is a crime scene!

Betty: Don’t worry I have a permit *hands over a piece of paper*

Cops: ....This just says “I do what I want.”

.

Betty: I guess it’s true when they say coffee stunts growth

Poppy, with a pot of coffee: Shut the fuck up

.

Poppy: Hey do you ever want to talk about our family problems Peter?

Peter: No

Leo: I do!

Poppy: I know Leo

Leo: I’m sad

Poppy: I know Leo

.

Poppy: Bada bing

Betty: Bada boom

J.J: Forget about it!

Normie: I’M WALKING HERE!!

*MJ sits silently in the corner as I Have Plans For Her*

.

Normie: Here *tosses white flag*

MJ: Ew no one wants your dirty underwear Normie!

Normie: It’s not dirty underwear it’s a white flag and you might as well start waving it now Penelope!

Poppy: THE ONLY THING I’LL BE WAVING IS YOUR DECAPITATED HEAD ON A STICK INFRONT OF YOUR WEEPING MOTHER!

Normie: ....Dear god

.

Betty: You know those moments where straight people think you are straight? I feel like a gay spy

MJ: Lesbionage

Poppy: Bi spy

Betty: It’s an ace case

JJ: Secret gaygent

Normie: Pan with a plan

All: Queer with gear!!!

.

MJ: You look nice, I want to kiss you

Poppy: Huh?

MJ: I SAID IF YOU DIED I WOULDN’T MISS YOU

.

J.J *unbuttoning shirt*: God it’s so hot in here

Normie: Yeah but why are you unbuttoning my shirt

.

And of course, the big one

Poppy: From now on we’ll be using code names. You can address me as Eagle 1

Poppy: Betty is been there done that

Betty: You wish

Poppy: MJ is currently doing that

*MJ high fives Poppy*

Poppy: J.J is it happened once in a dream

J.J: Wat

Poppy: Normie is if we had to go back to heteronormative standards

Everyone: OOF BIG MOOD

Poppy: And Flash is

Poppy: Eagle 2

Flash: Oh thank god