#and then i am going to do some laundry
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like yeah i COULD do my calc homework. but i could also rot
#so so sooo so so tired of having a body. im#actually theres an easy and simple solution to this and its to delete instagram#i redownloaded it so i could message some people but ive fallen into the trap of instagram reels#maybe just maybe the constant stream of bbl at home workout lose 27 pounds in six days diet wieiad as a ballerina shy girl workout isnt good#for us. so here is how i am going to crawl out of this hole#i am going to delete instagram. and then i am going to put on comfy clothes#and then i am going to do some laundry#and then i will do my calc work. and afterward i will do something good and easy and relaxing and i wont feel bad for not being productive.#and then on wednesday i will get some lotion (because all my skin is peeling) and some hair dye. maybe red but the jury is still out#and ill cut and dye my hair again. and hopefully feel a little more alive. try to stretch more. that might help. i hope it helps#if u read this far i love u. we will climb out of these holes together even if they take a few tries#my post
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😭🏡
#Sometimes I think to myself: wow I’ve gotten so far with staying calm and not catastrophizing anymore ! 🥰#But then there are times like right NOW where I am so scared to go back to my house for no good reason 😭#My landlady texted me an hour ago saying my flatmate is moving at the end of October and she is doing a viewing later today#And ???? Uhm hello what’s with the short notice ????#My laundry is still up on the line ! I might need to rinse some mugs in the sink ! There will be a stranger there ughhh 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#I’m rushing to get home now so I can clean because it makes me feel physically sick knowing they will be inspecting everything together 😭😭#(I am literally sick rn and was resting at my bf’s place- but this makes me feel even worse)#& what if this new person is awful and I’ll be forced to choose between living with them or moving somewhere else :(#Next time I move I want to live alone but that’s only affordable faaaar from Paris 🫠 (if I can even find a place!) 😭
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so....ignoring the fact that it took me three (3) weeks to get through um. twenty-six (26) pages. it's totally reasonable to try to speedrun revisions of the next thirty-two (32) in like six (6) hours tomorrow, right, Asking For A Friend,
#text#personal#writing#in btw#driscoll#ez do NOT interact#if im On It i think i MIGHT be able to do it#i might forget to eat tho 💀#i have so many chores also to do about it too#laundry. bathroom. baking. grocery.#feed dogs.#FUCK IT IM GONNA TRY#if it bleeds to monday it bleeds to monday but it canNOT go beyond monday i stg!!!!!!!#i have to type all this shit up at some point but that could wait til after article 🫣#the article has a Real Deadline the revision has a fake moving deadline#CRYING WHY AM I STILL UP#oh right its the dopamine surge
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i hate doing laundry ough it's The Worst
#not only does leaning down to move my stuff hurt my back#but i have to touch dirty clothes and go into the dirty room and touch the dirty machines and i have to wear 2 pairs of socks (so my#normal socks dont touch the contaminated floor) and when i lean over the washing machine my clothes touch it <-the worst part of it all#tbh. now my current clothes are dirty but i have nothing to change into and i will have to wear them all day and it makes me SICK#and i cannot talk abt how dirty the garage (where the laundry machines are) it makes me nauseous that place kills me if i never#had to go into it ever again i would and i have to carry a laundry basket (dirty) and it touches my clothes when i carry it (disgusting)#and now my clothes are even more dirty and i feel like i cant touch any of my things bc i dont want to infect them but i cant just do#nothing all day when i have to do laundry but it makes me so SICK i need smth to cover all of my clothes but everything i've tried misses#some part and my clothes are ruined and it makes me SICK how am i supposed to do school or draw or anything when it's so bad#i have everything scheduled so i can take a shower and go straight to bed after i'm done but still it's so bad and it stresses me tf out#and i have to do laundry every 3 days because i only have 3 towels to use after showering and even if i did have more towels#i still would have to do laundry as often bc i couldnt handle doing multiple loads or having bigger loads my back couldnt handle that#w the system i have set up now it's just bad it;s all bad i hate doing laundry#i dream of one day where i can do laundry in a better way i think it'd involve not having the washer and dryer down steps bc that's#dangerous for one and for two not having them in a garage bc garages stress me out and three to have smth to cover all of my clothes#and 4 to have machines that dont need me to bend down idk if they have ones like that but it hurts#anyway that's it for listening to dux complain abt smth that ultimately doesnt matter and is only a problem bc their brain#chemistry is off#k bye i have to go do laundry *explodes* and take an exam *explodes* it;s an essay exam *explodes* and then im going#to like sit around feeling sick thumbs up emoji
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me after attempting to get back into sims and realizing i had a lot more to do than play the game
#hi everyone#I’m going around hugging you all#okay now that we are gathered here today#i will simply acknowledge that i have been gone for a very long time and then also acknowledge that maybe it was for the best#i relied on sims to be my only creative activity even if i tried to write a book at the same time#and also. i prioritized sims over real life responsibilities. that’s just a deadly combination lol#but I recently noticed I just replaced sims with Netflix. with YouTube. with anything that gave me quick dopamine#literally became addicted in a sense. still am but I’ve been cut cold turkey from most everything#I get off work and go. okay I’ve done the dishes and the laundry……..I could read or write or bake….#I try to write and sometimes i get a good hour#then I read for a few hours and then get tired of it#and I made cookies Tuesday so I’m waiting for those to be gone before baking again#I’m just so pitiful that I feel BORED and don’t know what to do#so I said….. okay what if I do sims for an hour.#I downloaded some new cc Tuesday and tried to play yesterday#y’all ……………….. I can’t find the energy anymore to set up elaborate scenes and pose my sims and plan posts#I said wow… this is boring without my intervention and fake story#I said wow…….. all this for what? for tumblr? yes I created cool things and provided joy. but is that inherintly important compared to my#own joy? my own everyday activities I should be doing?#y’all I do not leave the house unless we got out to eat or shop or travel to our parents#.. I have little desire to. I’m trying to find that desire#but my husband is busy with grad school and work and I don’t want to do anything by myself#I’ve found myself in one heck of a slump#I didn’t want to be human for awhile. just had no desires no interests no ambitions#I was slacking off SO HARD at work. I just had no drive to do well#I’m still working on it. I’m still trying to get caught up. I’m still trying to force myself to move every day.#but I am struggling y’all. and I can tell you that sims… sims isn’t helping rn but I want it to so bad. I want to get back into it#I didn’t mean to disappear on everyone. I got married and then life got busy and then I fell into this hole of nothing#I didn’t even WANT to crawl my way out. but my husband has helped a lot. I feel like such a child!!!!#I reached max tags. 🙃 bye love you all. till next time
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Anyway I got notified that I'll be getting a nice $$ bonus from work today and I wish that I could celebrate with someone in a way that didn't just feel like obnoxious bragging. Like beyond the financial aspect, it's just nice to be recognized for good work and I actually feel... good?? about this job??
But it feels so silly to say I want to celebrate when I just got back from what felt like my first real vacation in a very long time and am doing cool comic con stuff this weekend and am scheduled for a new tattoo next weekend. I am already doing lots of things to try to make myself feel good! It feels selfish to want more!
But I guess even with all of that, there's just still a hunger for external validation from trusted sources. Will I ever grow out of wanting someone to be proud of me?
#stoned ramblings#life of faye#i swear I'm not as sad right now as this makes me sound just kinda lonely is all#work bonus#boss also said that if i wanted to take on more responsibility we could talk raises as well#and like most days I'm done by like 1 so it's not like I'm wildly overworked as it is#I'm going to set some aside for fun stuff and the rest is going in my savings#i am finally FINALLY trying to build up a savings again#it's probably a silly dream but I still want to save up for a house#so what else can i do but try and save?#rent's gone up so damned much everywhere that for somewhere halfway decent it costs about as a mortgage to rent anyway#the only reason my rent is semi-managable is because I've been here for 8 damn years so they haven't been able to drive it up as much#other apartments here start at hundreds more per month for new tenants#so i feel like I'm stuck here until i can afford a place#my one real hope is that I inherit enough from my midwest grandma when she passes to make a good down payment somewhere#sometimes to torture myself I like to go look at houses that I think are in my approximate realistic price range if i could cover the down#i want a yard for velma#i want to be able to open my blinds and/or windows and not feel like a whole apartment complex's worth of people can see me#i want a kitchen where all the burners work and I have enough counter space to work#i want a dryer system where my apartment doesn't get filled with warm wet air when the neighbors are doing their laundry#i want to do nude gardening#and have backyard bbqs with friends#i want enough dedicated space to do art that i don't constantly have to shuttle the easel around the living room and up and down the stairs#all pipe dreams i know#but hey the grandma did say that i was one of her three main inheritors in the will#so we'll see#just to be clear she has not passed but she's nearing 90 and keeps talking about it so it's hard not to think about you know?#anyway these are the sorts of things that i would talk about if I had someone to cuddle on the couch and talk to about my day#texts to nobody
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Gritting my fucking teeth the body must be allowed time to rest if it wants to heal
#aka i burnt out hard went too big too soon the moment i was able to and am now having to tap out of stuff#full vet carrier moment#go home have a bath make some art listen to some music go to sleep. maybe some low stakes tasks like laundry or hoovering.#you do not unfuck a month of exhaustion in one evening#its a process#i want to be normal again by next week i have to accept that i may have to be a little sub normal this week
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Every fucking time. Every fucking time I go "I'm going to get my sleep schedule fixed!" I get hit by the good ol' 1-2 -- Insomnia & My Family Members Don't Respect Night Shift Workers.
#em.txt#oh you're asleep during the day? that's sooo strange why would you do that when you can wake up now#negative#vent#when i am up late i keep it down but these cunts CANNOT imagine doing the same for me#because I don't matter enough to do some basic shit like 'close the laundry door so the machine is quieter'#or 'don't let your child run up & down the hall outside my room screaming' PICK A DIFFERENT HALLWAY#THERE'S OTHER HALLS. A BACK YARD. GO SOMEWHERE ELSE#once again reminding followers i have had this schedule for 5 months it's not new or a surprise that i sleep when i do#they just don't even consider giving a fuck abt it bc I don't fucking matter. their kids right to scream does#i told my lead i would go out of my way to be rested for tonight bc I'm always tired on his shifts#well that's too damn bad. because these cunts don't shut up ever
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hour 14 of taking a break from art for the sake of my tendons: i am Wailing and Keening and Scratching Forlornly At My Tablet
#i dont know if im strong enough but i Need to be strong enough#cant continue doodling if ya wrist doesnt work#clenching my fists and chanting 'this is necessary this is necessary'#ive been going way too hard lately. unfortunately#curse this mortal body and its stupid bullshit mechanics that dont even work half the time#gonna cope by eating overly spicy soup and crochet#well no. i cant crochet. ten minutes of that hurts worse than scribbling for eight gay hours#to put it quite simply - but with feeling: FUCK!#absolutely unprompted#howling and sobbing and baying etc etc#i was gonna finish that commission tonight. then i was gonna start on something else i promised Days ago.#maybe get some doodles done for asks.#work on vines part 2.#but it oof ouch too much :/#what the hell am i supposed to do now#fold laundry? clean my room? read? WRITE? ha dont make me laugh#i havent written in 2 months and im not about to start now#(said immediately before screaming into a pillow)#maybe ill like... go through my replies for once... see if people are trying to talk to me...#see if im brave enough to Directly Interact outside of asks...
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Just had such an intensely annoying experience i instantly lost all further motivation to do shit today
#trying to do laundry in my new building for the first time#put the load in try paying with my credit card where it says Insert Card Here#keep getting ERROR back#try with different cards#no luck#machine used to have coin slots but they have been removed so no way to put cash into it#finally spot ‘refill your card!’ box on the wall of laundry room#this machine only takes cash. says it takes $5 $10 $20s#luckily I have cash in my pocket. try to put $5 in#machine spits it out. WRONG BILL. INSERT $10#ok so there’s a minimum i need to pay#leaving my laundry in the washer run upstairs to get more cash. I have some 20s and some 5s and some 1s#ok trying a twenty! machine spits it out. WRONG BILL INSERT $10#machine literally only accepts 10s#try asking a guy in the lobby for change he’s got $3 total#have to leave my laundry leave the building run to the (get this) laundromat next door#ask for change for a 20. am eyed with suspicion#laundromat next door has exactly one 10 dollar bill in the place#am able to go back and buy a card (this cost $5) and put money on it and pay for the washing machine#this building is run by sick freaks
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Can i be a hater for a second. If i have to hear mother by meghan trainor again i am actually going to hunt her down for sport
#like ive spent my entire life trying to get men to stop defining me by my relation to them. i am an independent being from you. im NOT your#fucking mom learn how to do the dishes and your own laundry. i should not need to be related to you in some way for you to respect and honor#my opinion!!!!!! also like mansplaining is the tip of the iceberg when it comes to misogyny (hello femicide) and the issue is that a lot of#people are actually listening to men over women on literally everything so like. ugh#i hate capitalist feminism i hate the pathriarchy being downplayed as if it doesnt have a body count that continues to go up i hate it!!!!!!#and i hate that 'feminist music' now means songs like this instead of literally anything with an actual feminist message. dear lord#hollyws#brought 2 u by a man trying to use mother by meghan trainor in an argument. also the next man who calls me mommy will be hunted down.
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Glad I’m starting therapy so soon after moving out ☝️ I am already feeling the helplessness and loneliness
#vent#<- slightly? not that strongly? this is a pretty chill post like. I feel pretty chill#but also :( sad#I miss my family and friends at home#I haven’t really talked to my roommates#including the one who’s been my friend since high school bc she’s been sick (?) for the past few days#and this semester is definitely going to be A Lot#I got accepted into another choir but I’m most likely not joining bc my schedule is so packed#but the main thing is#I FEEL LIKE A BABY#my parents never really made me cook or clean and I just feel kinda useless#I’m just gonna have to force myself to learn which is fine#and my parents have offered to walk me through stuff over the phone when they can#but idk I just feel really immature bc like. damn I am 20 and don’t know how to cook Anything#I’m gonna go grocery shopping either tonight or tomorrow and get some sandwich supplies and other non-cooking stuff#so we are not completely doomed lol#also I need to do laundry tomorrow.. which. I can do and have done before. but I’m still gonna call my mom for guidance 😅#idk I think the main thing that’s stressing me out is spending money on food vs. groceries#and trying to eat at least some protein and fruits/vegetables etc. while also not spending exorbitantly#bc I am SOOOO irrationally anxious about money. I hate hate hate spending money#so the whole idea of grocery shopping is just kind of filling me with dread 🥲#but I will do it bc I need to Adult at some point#I just. idk I guess most students do this and I’m being whiny about it bc I’m not used to it??#but it just feels like So Much to be taking five classes and doing a bunch of extracurriculars and living on my own for the first time!#like! ahhh! too much at once!#😰😰😰#and I need to get an internship soon 😀 and if I don’t get one this semester I need to at least get a job so I can stress less about money 😀#but I always stress about money regardless 😀😀😀😀😀😀😀 even though I have scholarships savings etc 😀😀 ocd things! 😁 (🥲)#thank god for my meds and the thought that I’ll be starting therapy in the next week or two#and also my mom for being like the sweetest wver
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phil’s only been eating the salmon wet food (a problem bc there are three kinds in the variety pack) and the issue might actually be that she is a much more social eater than i expected, she’s fucking chowing down on a tuna blend bc (i assume) i am sitting between her and the door (where the other cat lives) (never mind that mack is still terrified of phil even though she’s been here three months)
#reset the office/phil’s room im anticipation of the job application week to come#there’s some stuff i’d like to hang up and the doors/baseboards to hit with a melamine sponge#as well as i think finally do the last round of mold remediation in this fucking main bedroom bath#and then i will have to paint over the three inches above the baseboard i ripped the paint off#also figure out something with the walk in closet which has become something of a dumping ground#these are all problems for future Kay#the main surfaces are wiped down and it is vacuumed and dusted and the litter is taken care of#and the toys are cycled out and the food and water bowls are clean#i have been doing one-sixteenth of a task every five minutes (different task each time)#but i did go food shopping and laundry is in the machine (including sheets)#HOOO boy i am having a bad brain time#phil#very little of this ended up being about Phil actually
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going to go see beetlejuice beetlejuice with my irl bestie tomorrow afternoon and then going out to an early dinner with her ✨ i’m excited; i haven’t socialized with anyone irl besides the dogs at work in like. over a month. oof. 💀
#⟡ — kayleigh.txt#i mean obviously i’ve socialized with my father because i live with the man but. yeah. no.#we are too different for it to like. count. y’know what i mean?#anyways when i get home i am going to do laundry for work and vacuum and then play video games before passing tf out ✌🏻#oh i am going to do some pet chores before i head out tomorrow as well since we aren’t meeting up until like 1ish#ANYWAYS I AM EXCITED also this will literally be the first movie i’ve seen in theaters since jjk 0 😅
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Dont you just love when your chronic illness chronic illnesses
#passed out 10+ times in the span of two hours#still can barely walk#i have laundry to do#and dishes to clean#and a house to make not a disaster#but what am i doing instead?#crying into my drip drop#sipping some water#and trying not to scream bc i cant help but hate my body a little#and i try not to#practice what you preach#and all#but i just do sometimes#everything hurts and i cant think#im so nauseaous#i want to cry#but i gotta keep on going#chronic illness#chronically ill#chronic pain#chronic fatigue#chronic illness vent#pots#potsie#flare up#🪓#sickly
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Neglecting my course registration responsibilities to ooh and ahh at compact drying racks on home store and more. Look at this cute little thing
[ID: a promotional photo of a compact drying rack.]
#i realised i have the perfect spot for it at the foot of my bed too#bringing life to my room by filling it with shit and being functional at the same time! so epic#there was also a rlly cute one that fits over a door but idk where id put it#could Maybe go in the bathroom but my bathroom is tiny. + the spot i want the other one to go is right by the window for sunlight !!#like rn i lug my laundry down to my parents house to do it there bcos my buildings washing machines need a fucking location-#-enabled app and i am not giving them my fucking geopositioning data just so i can do some washing ???#but also im in second year now so i reckon ill be staying at the dorms over the weekends a lot more#so i will hand-wash things in a big tub i brought my dishes up in + hang them up on this rack. yissss#also gonna start bringing my prescription med bottles with me instead of just my weekly pillbox#so i dont have to go back to my parents house whenever i gotta refill it
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