#and then i realized i had to save myself and i was so sad. doctor save me my body hurty

[mbat]

ohhh bread. i could write poem about bread

[kurishiri]

epilogue . . . “ the medical record of the love between the hunter and me ”

— this translation may not be 100% accurate or may contain creative liberties for characterization or narrative flow purposes. if you enjoy, please consider reblogging, but don’t repost or claim these as your own!

— this is the epilogue story for roger’s past records, which is available after sending hearts 700 times. this is told in kate’s point of view, and takes place after they become a couple, so i would personally recommend reading this after you've read at least one branch of his route. (but it's not necessarily required!)

— cw: roger without glasses 🤭, nsfw (fade to black), a bit unedited.

It was the early afternoon, the weather clear, a little after Roger and I had become lovers.

“Your medical records could use some polishing, lil lady.”

That was what Roger said as he called me to the laboratory.

Roger: I asked Victor for your diagnostic tests, right? As for your weight——

Kate: Don’t read it out loud!

Roger: Humans are about the only living beings that care about every little thing about their weight.

Kate: Well, I can’t argue with that, but still...

Roger: It’s all well and good you grew up big.

Even after becoming lovers, it seemed Roger’s tendency to lack delicacy sometimes was going strong.

(Well, that said... I also love that about him too.)

Kate: Wait, I’m pretty sure filling in my medical record won’t make much difference... there’s not much point...

Roger: ‘There’s not much point,’ you say?

Kate: I mean, what you want is data on the Cursed ones, right?

K: As much as I’d love to be of help to you, I’m not Cursed myself...

Roger: Hey now, don’t go saying sad stuff like that.

R: Kate, as my special fairytale keeper, you’ll need to continue to accompany me on missions from here on out.

R: And that’s already asking for more danger than a normal person. That’s all to say,

R: if I get to know you on an even deeper level, I can save you more.

With a broad grin, Roger’s canine tooth peeked out.

That smile alone was enough to make me happy...

(To think Roger’s thought this much about me!)

The happiness at having become his lover spread through my entire body, and I gave him a broad nod in turn.

Kate: If that’s the case, I’ll answer anything!

Roger: .........Anything, huh.

In my enthusiasm in answering, I missed Roger’s words, which came in a whisper.

Roger: Then, let’s start the examination.

Kate: Alright, I’ll be in your care!

Roger: What’s your type, lil lady?

(.........Huh?)

Kate: Is... is that needed for the medical record?

Roger: Very much actually. I’m a former doctor, so you think I’d go around asking pointless questions?

Kate: W-well, besides, we are dating already, so do I really need to say my type out loud...

Roger: Your type could be different, even if we are dating. So I have to ask, just in case.

(Is... that true?)

There was no hesitation in Roger’s tone, so it would be strange not to be able to answer.

My type, huh——Roger’s figure popped into my mind then.

Kate: Uhm, I like to watch someone eat a lot, I think.

Roger: Eat a lot, you say? Ahh, so you mean me?

Kate: T-that’s not necessarily the case!

Roger paid no mind to how flustered I was from him hitting the bull’s eye, instead asking the next question.

Roger: Okay, next. What’s something you’ve found fun recently?

He asked the question so quickly to me, I felt I had to answer quickly.

Kate: Something fun is... ah...

K: Yesterday, I had some very hot food, and it was so spicy I ended up laughing.

Roger: You’re talking about the one we were eating together, right? I remember that too.

Kate: ...Eh, ah...

Roger: Okay, next. Who in Crown do you find the most charming?

Kate: That...

I didn’t even have to mull over it; that was just how charming Roger was.

(...Oh no.)

——This is definitely not for filling in the medical records.

But by the time I realized, it was already too late.

Roger: What, keeping quiet? Then, let me ask a final question, for a bad patient.

Roger’s fingertips poked over where my heart was.

Roger: You’ve been teased so relentlessly, and yet your heart’s beating so fast... why is that?

Roger has the ability to hear sounds up to 100 yards away.

So it came as no surprise that he was aware how fast my heart was beating.

Kate: Please don’t listen in...

Roger: No can do, your heart’s the one that’s too noisy.

R: See, it’s going thump thump so fast, it’s pretty cute.

Kate: Uu...

Roger: Oh? You’re going to cry? In that case, by all means, feel free to. I’ll be happy about that.

(T-this man, I swear——!)

I threw him the sharpest glare I could muster at a grinning Roger.

Kate: I thought this before we got together, too, but why do you always have to do things like this!?

K: You say you don’t like doing anything unnecessary, but then you go and do exactly that!

Roger: That’s because I want to take care of you.

R: Because your crying face is cute.

R: Because I want to talk more with you.

R: And because, if it’s with you, I don’t find any of it unnecessary.

R: I’ve got loads of reasons up my sleeve. You wanna hear more?

He hit me with one sweet reason after another as if being shot by a gun, rendering me unable to respond.

No matter how frustrated I got at his teasing, I ended up on the palm of his hand,

and I end up wagging my tail in happiness, like a dog.

I really do like Roger.

(God... I really want to wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him right now.)

But, if I wag my tail so easily for him, I wouldn’t be any different than Ale.

(I’m the woman who’s been trained by Roger, so I need to have some kind of comeback.)

(After all, I’m not someone who just falls on the palm of others!)

Regaining my composure, I tried to act out a confident, capable woman.

Kate: Haven’t we talked enough about me? Now you answer my questions.

K: It’s not fair if I’m the only one doing the answering.

Roger: Hmm? Okay then, ask away.

Kate: “What’s your type,” Roger?

I returned the question that had left me flustered before back at Roger, and I inwardly chuckled to myself.

(Hehe, it would be nice if I could make Roger feel the same way I did, even just a little.)

——But, my intentions were seen through all too soon, to my disappointment.

Roger: “My type” is someone who’s much like a dog, and someone who can think for themself.

R: And if you have the spirit to try and get back at me for what I did to you, all the better.

R: Ahh, come to think of it, someone like the one right before my eyes is really my type.

Kate: Wh...

Roger: “What’s something you’ve found fun recently?”

R: Right now, this moment.

Kate: Ah...

Roger: “Who in Crown do you find the most charming?”

R: If you count as a member of Crown——then it can only be you, Kate.

I could only blink in response as Roger’s strong arms wrapped around me.

My ears were pressed against his warm chest...

Roger: Here, listen to my heart.

Being hit with those sweet words on top of that, I felt myself going dizzy.

Kate: I think my heart’s being too noisy... so, I can’t tell.

Roger: Pfft, hahahaha!

R: Guess that makes it my win.

Seeing him laugh so happily while patting my head, that sort of innocence was rare coming from him, and I couldn’t help but laugh.

(...Jeez... I really am no match for him.)

Kate: Hehe, I don’t recall this ever having been a match, but I surrender.

I was always on the palm of his head, and that was so frustrating it was unbearable.

But, I’m not someone who will fall into anyone’s palm.

(Roger, you are the most special to me, and I wouldn’t replace you for the world.)

(That’s why, I will happily fall into the palm of your hand.)

Roger: What’re you talking about, isn’t it too early to surrender?

The hand that had been on my head slipped before grabbing and lifting my chin.

Roger: We’ve only just become lovers. So we have to get to know each other more.

The eyes before me pierced me with a heat that resembled a hunter aiming for his prey.

He didn’t even try to conceal that heat, and it brought out my desire as well.

Kate: ...What do we need to do, in order to get to know each other deeper?

Roger: Let’s see now, first of all...

Kate: Mn, nn...

While kissing me, Roger lifted me before pinning me down on the lab table.

Roger: Do I need to spell out the rest... lil lady?

Just thinking about what he was going to do made the bottom of my stomach throb.

As if seeing through my desire, Roger’s fingers traced my thighs before they made their way in my underwear.

Roger: ...Hm?

(Ahh, jeez...)

I removed Roger’s glasses, and in an attempt to divert him from my embarrassment, I turned my face away.

Kate: ...I know, but still... tell me.

Roger: .........Alright, I’ll tell you everything.

—— Time skip ——

As the night deepened, Victor and Roger’s shadows were present in the lounge.

Victor: Oh, right, Roger. About Kate’s medical records...

Roger: Ahh, that. I have it here.

Victor: Thank you, that was quick as always. Oh? This date...

V: To think you’ve taken such detailed records on her since the day she started as a fairytale keeper...

Roger: Well, yeah.

Victor: I’m sure if Kate knew, she would be delighted.

Roger: No, best to keep that a secret.

R: Since the day I met her, the thing I liked the most was giving her a bit of trouble.

Fin.

← main story 👑 ecb story 🪞🍻

full masterlist 🍻

END NOTES: i believe this basically concludes my translation of roger’s past records! and a big big thank you to everyone who read to the end! i had fun translating this story, since in addition to roger, we can see a variety of other characters being featured — and they even feature a chapter where crown is just being the dysfunctional found family they are 🤭

i hope this story can serve as a good starting for roger’s route (and perhaps future routes too, though in the end we still don’t know too much about victor, haha). i’d love to hear your thoughts 🥹🙏

[twicecut]

Man. I enjoyed watching TUA S4 because I got to do it in good company and I loved Klaus' bits, he never disappoints, and the sheer never knowing what will happen next was fun... But the more I think about the conclusion, the more sad I get.

Rant/analysis about why this sucks so bad under the cut. I'm upset with myself for still being upset about this lol. Ugh.

I think I could be okay with all of them dying or the idea that they will always cause the apocalypse as long as they have the marigolds, but I think what really wrecks it for me is still just the message that there are people who the world is better off without (and it isn't the abuser).

There are so many ways that I think the end could have gone, both with giving the Umbrellas another chance to live and fix the timeline or, if they really wanted, killing them all, that didn't make the journey getting there feel pointless.

Nothing can hurt me as bad as the Doctor Who 50th and invalidating Nine and Ten's pain by undoing the choice to destroy Gallifrey, or all of the nonsense The Last of Us pulled in the sequel and the TV show, but, boy, if giving the Umbrellas no choice but to die and saying their growth doesn't actually matter because this was always the only way to save the world doesn't hurt in a very, very similar way.

It's just sad, you know? Because now I'm going to look back at past seasons I enjoyed and look at the characters and their struggle and know it's going to be worthless.

Luther realizing his abuse and breaking free of Reginald's hold over him? Doesn't matter. He dies in the mansion he could never leave and doing precisely what Reginald and Abigail wanted, just like the good little soldier he always was groomed to be.

Diego gradually learning to stop being such a lone wolf and accept help from his family? Doesn't matter. His family is in shambles throughout the season, he never gets to say goodbye to his kids, never gets an apology from Five or Lila, and dies with a wedge between himself and the one other person who has cared as much about protecting their family as he has. Nevermind that he also never gets to properly grieve or process any of his losses since season 1. He starts angry and ends angry.

Allison honestly doesn't even have positive growth except, maybe, when she argues that they can't just give Klaus his marigolds back without his consent. That was nice. But otherwise we never see her really acknowledge that she can't rumor her way to happiness because the show never gives her that opportunity. She starts the show angry and upset because she lost Claire and her husband, and ends the show constantly angry and upset because she lost her husband and is losing Claire.

Klaus learning to get sober and stay sober for himself without the incentive of seeing Dave, learning to value himself and love himself enough to want to be healthy, and be someone that he can love who can be good a good uncle for Claire doesn't matter. He's triggered into a relapse and while that is fine because I think it handles his addiction more seriously than in past seasons, he never gets the chance to get on his feet again. He starts an addict without control and ends an addict without control.

Five never gets a break. He starts the series frantically trying to get back to his family and stop the apocalypse and ends it with the only realization being that his nonstop effort was meaningless. He can't save his family, he can't stop the apocalypse, and he's alienated and alone because everyone knows he had an affair with Lila, and Diego hates him, and how can he even be sure Lila didn't use him? He knows no peace from beginning to end and dies, yes, with his family, but alone because he made a mistake and decided that he cared more about his feelings for Lila than he cared about hurting his brother (seriously? I'm not even mad about the affair, I'm more upset that Five is written to think that he deserves to keep Lila once they get back... "I want to kill [Diego]" really??). Five chooses to doom his entire family, to kill them all, to stop the apocalypse, because he's depressed and tired of trying and apparently that means all their lives are forfeit.

Ben... Gosh. There's truly no closure for him. Both Bens die with a wedge between themselves and someone in their lives. For Umbrella Ben, it's a deteriorated relationship with Klaus, but I think even he got a kinder ending. At least he hugged Viktor and seemed at peace with his choice to sacrifice himself. His death saved a life. Sparrow Ben, though? His life is owned by the government, he's forced to socialize with the killers of his family who refuse to see him as anything but a person he isn't and will never be, and can't seem to get it through their thick skulls that his family is dead and he misses them. Then, when he needs family and is so scared that he'll accept the killers of his family as friends, he's too far gone to save. He dies scared and alone and probably in massive amounts of pain, conscious of the destruction and death he's causing but trapped within the uncontrollable monster that both Bens had always been afraid they truly were inside.

Viktor's agency is taken again. He gets to be mad at Reginald and say his piece but the only time he ever gets an apology is because Reginald sees Viktor is powerful and decides he should have trained him like his siblings. Viktor isn't worthy of being seen because he's a human being, he's worthy because he's useful. He dies knowing that it isn't enough to be himself.

Lila... I admittedly have never really liked her, but I realize now that's mostly because I never liked how her relationship was framed with Diego in S2 and 3, and that I didn't like that so much of their screentime and growth revolved around their romance rather than the other characters. So even though I liked her more this season for the fact that we were no longer treating her red flags as sexy, I think she was immensely squandered and never has any substantial growth. Her character stagnates because it again revolves around her romances. She lies time and time again, never communicates, shuts down any of Diego's efforts to, belittles him and treats him like an annoyance, and blames him for their crumbling marriage despite being the half of the relationship that isn't turning up for the life they built for each other. She starts the series living a double life and using and hurting Diego for her own benefit, and ends it exactly the same. It makes sense for her character given she was raised by the handler, but, wow. She really is never given the opportunity to see how self-destructive she is or get better. She's continually reduced to the manic, sexy, femme fatale girlfriend trope and never gets the chance to be anything else.

Every one of them once again falls under Hargreeves' will. Their agency is stripped from them again because it's death or running from apocalypses forever and ever. They end practically if not worse than where they started. And Reginald? He presumably lives out his life happy as a clam, free of consequence, because of course he was allowed to exist in the Correct Timeline alongside The Handler and the Swedes.

TUA used to be about the idea that no matter how broken you were and how often you messed up or how dysfunctional you and your family were, you can get better and you are worthy of being loved and accepted. It was the idea that you are affected by your abuse and sometimes that is ugly and it hurts people, but you are not your abuser. Then season 4 spat in the face of all of that and said, no, actually, the abuser of this story is actually a good man and was right all along. It says these abused, traumatized, broken people are all the failures their abuser thought they were and the world would be better off without them. They have to die because the only thing that's keeping the world from becoming a beautiful utopia is the fact that they are living in it. Who cares how hard they've fought to survive? Who cares about their struggle to get better?

I'm all for imperfect media with tragic, unfair endings. I'm all for, sometimes, villains getting away. I'm all for narratives that say life is often unfair and things go badly. But the original spirit of The Umbrella Academy was not that and this nihilistic ending where the abuser is right when it spent so much time in previous seasons insisting he was a monster is. It's just so backward. It looks at its own narrative and calls the audience stupid for believing it, or caring about the characters within it.

I dunno, man. I need to stop being upset about it, but I just cannot believe that Blackman thought this was a good ending. I've tried so hard to give him the benefit of a doubt and understand what he was trying to say with this, how any of it makes sense, but I can't. I don't understand.

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

s3 episode 24 thoughts

here we are. the s3 finale. i am so excited!!! and after such a fantastic last episode, my expectations are high. also, having now seen 3 season finales, i have the sneaking suspicion that this one will also be a cliffhanger, which will get on my nerves a bit i’m sure as i get all my s3 stuff around before beginning s4, but again i extend my retroactive sympathies to the people who had to wait like a year to actually see what happened next back when it was airing. 

(author's note: since this one involved a lot of shape shifting, writing a play-by-play description of what was going on was quite tricky. just know i did my best and hopefully that is what matters <3)

this episode description makes it sounds like i’m gonna cry from some mulder family angst. i am preparing myself mentally. 

we shall begin.

we open at a food court sort of situation, which makes me once again mourn the fact that i missed the golden age of malls, as i would have devoured that. oh, it actually seems to just be a restaurant. well, my own wishful thinking, i suppose.

this man is very upset and making others uncomfortable with his loud yelling slash crying. so he pulls out a gun which makes people even more uncomfortable. he says the kids can leave but everyone else has to stay which seems like it will make things much worse for those kids?? but i digress.

a second man emerges from the back, asking the fellow with the gun to please not shoot. this second man is in a suit and tie, and has a very calming presence. to me, he shall be calming man. calming man talks him out of shooting, and i’m thinking yes!! what a save!!!

... until the gunman sees the police arrive, and then he DOES start shooting into the crowed. this is so sad to see happening. shooter has a bullet wound to the chest from the snipers outside sent to stop him, but calming man says he is not going to die, and heals him by placing his hand on him????

WOAH….. calming man….. you have powers…… get him in a hospital STAT, we need him to lay hands on a LOT of people... like a priest with a 100% success rate

mulder and scully are rolling up to the scene. scully is baffled because there is no one that needs medical attention, despite hearing that a bunch of people got shot!!

so she talks to one of the guys that was shot, and he only has a little hole in his shirt, which she simply lifts up and looks under. and i was laughing because she was in Doctor Mode but it is lowkey weird as hell to just lift some dude’s shirt up and analyze his tummy LMAO. oh she is so endearing to me. this man explains that even though he was shot, calming man touched him and said everything would be okay, and it was! that's suspicious. that's weird.

mulder is peeking his head into the car where the shooter is being held (typical mulder activities, peeking his head into places and whatnot) then he gets right in there with him. the shooter’s name is mr. muntz, and mulder wants to know what happened. mulder has some messy hair going on, but he is speaking very calmly and professionally... that oxford psych degree is showing!

mr. muntz says god spared his life, assuming that calming man must have been sent by god OR is god himself. which i suppose is a logical conclusion to draw.

somehow, calming man just DISAPPEARED from the scene. which is not what you want a guy to do in such a situation!!! unless, perhaps, he has fled to do some more miracle working, in which case i hope he teleports far and wide.

cutscene to rhode island. this lady is approaching a house, which is filled with plastic covering all of the furniture.

(author's note: i literally had no idea that "this lady" was mrs. mulder. and honestly given how much attention i pay to all the details- from the exact episode mulder mentioned jimi hendrix that one time to knowing scully did her residency in forensic medicine- i have no excuse for this. it is deeply humbling to realize the limits of my memory, which so often i think is close to fool-proof. i apologize to mrs. mulder but i, for some reason, thought she had brown hair. please accept my heartfelt apology, mrs. mulder. i have only seen you briefly before, which is a reason, but not an excuse for such a careless mistake)

she walks in, and sees a door is open to the outside. so she (author's note: mrs. mulder) follows along, and who does she see but CANCER MAN??? he remarks that everything changes but the sea. well the sea is constantly changing so take that, cancer man.

this woman (MRS. MULDER, god i'm cringing at my past self) wants to know what exactly he wants from her, and he says “we used to have so much to say to each other” ???? “SO MANY GOOD TIMES AT THE MULDERS’ SUMMER PLACE” HUH???

he makes a jab about how bill wasn’t as good at water skiing as he was, but that could be said about so many thing, couldn’t it? and WHERE DOES THIS DUDE GET OFF? 

(this is funny because cancer man lowkey sucks at his job and i won't let him forget that. like at the big UN council meeting everyone was pissed at him for losing the tape and trying to kill skinner and being generally just Fucking Bad at his work, so for him to say all this is quite comical)

the woman says she has repressed it all and i don’t blame her because i would also want to repress any moments with this man, but he says he came her to make her remember something. they’re fighting as a camera takes pictures. WHO IS TAKING PICTURES OF THIS?

okay, back to the virginia crime scene with our agents. calming man has given his name as “jeremiah smith”, but left a fake P.O. box and has no driver’s license. suspicious!!!!

mulder gets a call from skinner- one that “might cause him some alarm”. it’s his mother!!! she has been admitted to the hospital in rhode island, in serious condition!!! skinner stumbles on the pronunciation of the town she's in, but clearly it means something to mulder, because he knows where she is!! he says he is on his way

next thing we see is him bursting in into the room, with scully waiting behind him. something so lovely about scully coming along to be with him at such a terrible moment.

OMG IT’S HIS MOM….. why did i forget what his mom looked like?? am i actually the worst at this?? (<- the moment i Realized)

he grabs her hand and puts his hand on her forehead (i’m going to cry) and scully comes in and explains that she had a stroke. he notices that she is cold and puts another blanket over her (oh my gosh... such an attentive and caring son) and scully tries to reassure him not to think the worst, that people recover from these situations all of the time. i paused to write this down and he has this big sad eyes and i’m gonna CRY. he’s touching her hair and whispering “mom” and AUGHHHH. his only remaining family member...

apparently a 911 call came in… i guess that it was probably cancer man who called. and who probably did this somehow.

OH! she opens her eyes! he smiles at her and tells her everything is going to be okay. ohhh, sweet man...

scully realizes mrs. mulder wants something to write on, and busts out a pen and paper because she is always prepared!!!! and i love that about her!!!

so mrs. mulder writes on the paper “PALM”, which he looks at and repeats, but it’s not clear if he gets what that means or not. here i am thinking that it means some sort of treasure will be hidden beneath a palm tree

he’s watching her being taken away to another hospital as scully looks at some paperwork to figure out what exactly happened to her. and she uses her doctoral skills to tell him that they are optimistic on her recovery. it’s so sweet 😭😭😭 she does everything she can to ease his worries. i love her!!!!!!

but mulder thinks there is a correlation between what went down at the shooting in virginia and here- because she wrote the word “palm”, which is what calming man used to heal the victims of the gunman. and that seems like a stretch to me and to scully, but a grieving mind works in intricate ways, and we already know that mulder has the most intricate of minds, so maybe he's onto something.

he senses that it’s a bit of a leap, and she tries to very gently explain that it might not mean anything, that her brain has been radically changed. she says she is gonna drive him to the nearest motel (😭😭😭) and he says no, we’re going to DC and finding out who this calming man "jeremiah smith" is. omg buddy let her book you a motel and get some rest... but no, for he has entered his bloodhound mode, and there is no stopping him in such a situation

so now it’s 8:25 am the next day, and they are watching some tapes from the news footage while she sits on his desk. and sure enough, they find the guy on the newsreel- calming man jeremiah smith- and they even see that he vanished! it seems like someone else took his place, wearing the same clothes??? now how would that work….

mulder decides he must leave, and where to? “if i told you, you’d never let me go” <- okay well at least he’s sort of honest? scully reminds him he hasn’t slept in 24 hours, but he goes on anyway, telling her to give him a call if she finds anything on the tapes. a sigh from scully as she wonders what the hell he is up to.

now we’re at the social security administration, which is frankly pretty dystopian- so very aggressively white, with spaced out desks, giving extreme retro futurism in that special 90's kind of way. but here is the calming man at a desk, as tons of people in suits and with microphones come in! calming man jeremiah smith walks out the back door and is snagged… under the watchful eye of CANCER MAN??????

seriously, what does this dude even DO beyond be mysterious and nosy?!!!

so they put calming man jeremiah smith in a full body restraint and bring him into some sort of jail cell???? i just KNOW he was not read his rights, too...

mulder, meanwhile, has driven all the way BACK to rhode island, to the house covered in plastic. it is very quiet and dark. he makes his way outside, where we see someone watching him. it’s X!!!!!

X opens the door and tells mulder that cancer man was HERE WITH HER. IT WAS ON HIS ORDERS THE PHOTOS OF THEM FIGHTING WERE TAKEN!!! or maybe it was him hiding in the bushes snapping the pics?? that option is funnier to imagine, so i shall.

X is shocked that mulder didn’t know his mother and cancer man knew each other, but he very seriously says that he has no idea. and X clarifies that he didn’t hurt her, she collapsed AFTER he left- it was X that made the phone call to 911!

ah, that makes more sense than cancer man doing the calling, as i had suspected. although, clearly cancer man WANTS something from her, so maybe he would want to save her life. but then i had assumed he was the one who somehow made her have a stroke- but if he wanted something from her, nearly killing her would make that hard, right? unless he just comes close enough in killing her to scare her... hmm, i'm theorizing, and it feels like some sort of sick chess game.

OH! it seems cancer man wants something in this house. and mulder is surprised because on the day his parents divorced, she promised to never set foot here again. in the "SUMMER HOUSE"- yes, that was the wording he used. bro... how much money were they paying his dad to mess with aliens for them to live in martha’s vineyard AND have a summer house? 😭😭 that was blood money they were paying him fr and it must have been a hell of a paycheck. i have student loans, maybe i should get into the alien secrets business.

so whatever is here has to be important. but mulder tells X he has no idea what it is. xXseems to be hiding something, but maybe that is just his face.

back at the FBI, scully is heading out- or possibly heading back into work? as she does this, “jeremiah smith” arrives! she is very taken aback but jumps into work immediately. he says he is here to turn himself in, because it was claimed he fled a crime scene.

SO WAS THAT NOT HIM IN THE FULL BODY RESTRAINT?? or are we dealing with teleportation here? i mean we have healing already, teleportation isn’t much of a jump i suppose. 

(i was so damn confused lol)

now we are with calming man jeremiah smith in skinner’s office, where he claims that everything seemed like a dream from the moment he told the man to put his gun down forward. he claims he doesn’t remember anything, not even giving a false address. he only remembers showing up for work the next day. so... was his body like possessed or something?

he’s like “what did i do wrong :(“ and scully says he didn’t do anything wrong!!!!! skinner says that he can go, but to let them know if he leaves town. she shrugs her shoulders at skinner, not knowing what happened. scully is so kind...

back to rhode island, where mulder has a flashlight. the house is covered with children’s artwork and whimsical chickens. he’s looking through all of the stuff for anything of interest. it’s a fascinating walk through of how they must have lived, with her sewing kits tucked in drawers and toys in boxes. something about seeing their childhood makes my heart want to melt. poor kids, they had no idea what was to come...

he’s getting angry at not finding anything of use, tossing things around, before sitting on the now non-plastic covered couch, when he pulls her note out- and realizes that “palm” is an anagram for “lamp”! is this a clue??? must we inspect the lamps??? of which there are many???

yes, we must. he’s throwing this first one into the wall like link when he sees a pot that might have a rupee in it. but it doesn’t seem to have anything useful in the first one, so it becomes a lamp tossing session. and in the second one, he finds a metal tube thing!!! 

when he presses the side of the metal tube thing, a giant needle emerges!! is this one of those needles they used in s2 to vanquish the nearly indestructible aliens?? are there more in any other lamps??

now cancer man is back in the jail cell with the dude he took hostage that i thought was calming man jeremiah smith. well, whoever it is, he has jeremiah smith’s face. cancer man very dramatically sits in front of him and lights up. jeremiah says he isn’t ashamed of his actions, but cancer man says he isn’t “allowed to put your indulgences ahead of the greater purpose”. OH! so this must be a real life alien. that takes people’s shapes? i suppose?

YES! like that hit man did in the s2 arc that wound up with mulder nearly dead after the battle of that strange submarine!! whose blood induced the virus that led him to be soaked in an ice bath! i’m recalling!!

so, calming man jeremiah smith says he no longer believes in the "greater purpose", to which cancer man replies “then your fate is just”.

now hold on. what are you going to do to this man? there might be some intergalactic diplomatic repercussions for acting unwisely here, bucko.

they’re having a poetry off as they talk about duty and the terror of jeremiah smith giving the people hope. cancer man says men can never be free because they are “weak, corrupt, worthless, and restless”, some of my favorite adjectives . so he sees himself as this authority figure adjacent to god in this world in which man no longer believes.

well he's wrong on many accounts for 1. he is not god, just a guy who lowkey sucks at his alien job, and 2. scully is very much a believer of god and science, so take your stupid dichotomies and ego and smoke on THAT, cancer man

oh, but the tables are turning. “how many must die at your hand to preserve your stake in the project?” ooooh read him, calming man jeremiah smith!!! get him for me and again for missy.

cancer man seems deeply unsettled and tries to get out because calming man jeremiah smith is no longer calming man… HE HAS A NEW FACE?? IS THAT DEEP THROAT! he seems deeply scared… was cancer man scared of deep throat??? what was their power dynamic?!? oh, the things we will likely never know...

i have missed seeing deep throat around. but cancer man basically says that this alien’s execution date is coming. damn. they kill you for saving others. we really live in a society...

back to mulder, who is barging into skinner’s office. he tells his secretary to hold his calls, and it is appearing evident that he has not slept in a long time. he walks right into a meeting between skinner and scully, and says he wants his name and everything about "him"! which "him", you ask? you know the one!

“i want the smoking man smoked out; i want him exposed to be the murdering son of a bitch that he is” he says, and YAAAAS i have been wanting to say these lines for 3 seasons now!!!

skinner is not pleased with this, and reveals that he doesn’t even KNOW his name, nor how he can find it, and they are yelllling. mulder says to scully that cancer man is trying to kill calming man jeremiah smith, but she says that he had JUST been there, and he works for the social security administration, which sets mulder off on another quest. in which she joins!!

(skinner says something really interesting here- that there might have been a time when he could have been able to find out cancer man's identity, but that time has since passed. very interesting, i'd love to know what that means...)

off to the faraway and magical land of the social security administration, where mulder apprehends jeremiah smith. he looks to scully asking what is going on, and she also has no answers. 

so they get to the FBI and he starts to bolt!!! he falls down and comes up… with a new face?!! and then he disappears into the crowd!!! 

SO WHAT IS GOING ON??? are there TWO ALIENS?? are they TELEPORTING?? are they shapeshifting?? HUH??

cancer man goes back to the individual i shall now refer to as the “jail cell alien” because he no longer bears the face of calming man. damn, this is really confusing to write out, and very much tied to visual media as a storytelling vessel. i hope that you are familiar with what i’m talking about so you have any idea what i’m even saying, because i realize it sounds deeply incomprehensible.

alien asks why cancer man is so afraid of him, and claims that he knows everything about him. OH! “you think you’re god- you’re a drone, a cataloguer, chattel”, says cancer man, to which he is met with the reply “what you’re afraid of is they’ll believe i am god”

HEY WHAT! so what exactly is this dude’s job description?? like, either of them.

they’re talking about god and belief and fear and rule- “they don’t believe in Him, but they still fear Him” <- ooooh banger line on part of the cancer man.

(it seems that there is probably some very intentional real-world commentary on the illusion of freedom under democracy, the nature of the surveillance state, and how people are satiated under capitalism with all this talk to appeasement and there not being a god, but i’m not trying to crack that right now. i’m trying to figure out what this alien dude does beyond heal people and be cryptic. he says that humans have love, which makes them “better than us- better than you” SO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? can he feel no love?)

they’re referring to some sort of process, and how cancer man wants to be involved when it begins, which i’m guessing is referring to some sort of alien-human joint conquest or hybridization or something?

GASP! alien changes his face again and proclaims that cancer man is… DYING OF LUNG CANCER!

fork spotted in kitchen. however, cancer man is sincerely gagged and doesn’t believe it. the absolute buffoonery going on…

now the alien from before that had escaped from the clutches of our agents has shape shifter again?? into the hit man we saw in s2! with the special alien killing needle!

so my memory is foggy… these aliens that the hit men are hunting are dissenters from the overall alien regime, right? they’re not different species of alien entirely? 

but then what/who are the little grey ones…. are we witnessing intergalactic warfare here…?

(i gotta be so honest, i come here for the lingering tension between mulder and scully, so i’m a little fuzzy on how the actual alien stuff works)

anyway, the cronies of cancer man are bringing the hit man and his lethal needle into the cell where they’re holding the alien formerly known as calming man jeremiah smith, but… he isn’t in there!!!!! where did he go!!?!

so we have two aliens, both shapeshifters, taking the same face at times, one trying to kill the other. also cancer man is here and mulder’s mom is in the hospital, and for some reason she had one of those needles in her house. okay, i’ve got it.

back to the hospital- his mom isn’t getting better, and he is struggling to hear that, pulling a chair next to her while his eyes fill with tears. he’s crying as he holds her hand to his cheek. poor mulder :( losing all of his family :( it’s so sad honestly to see him cry :(

he leaves the room, attempts to compose himself, and sees cancer man in the hall!!!! uh oh! so mulder GRABS him, throws him against the wall, and pulls out his gun, saying “you gonna smoke that, or you want to smoke on this?” <- WHEW!!!!!!! he was not playing around before but now he is a NEW level of locked in… but careful… if you kill him, what he knows goes with him….

he even offers to give him brain damage but not kill him, so he can suffer like his mother does (DAMN!), which prompts the reveal that cancer man has known his mother since before he was born. he thinks about this and decides that he does NOT give a fuck.

he claims that SHE contacted HIM, (which isn’t what happened because we SAW what happened at the start of the episode?? he wanted her to remember something??) and also that he has possible information on his sister’s location. how many people are going to use this line on our guy...?

mulder puts the gun down as a nurse walks in, pivoting to asking where his sister is- but the man who might have that information has disappeared, according to cancer man. so he must be referring to the alien formerly known as calming man jeremiah smith.

mulder keeps saying that he has what he wants, presumably referring to the lethal needles, but cancer man denies wanting anything except to see how his mother is doing. he furiously puts his gun away. 

back to scully cam!!! it’s late at night, but she is still at work, and she has her glasses on because she’s on the computer <3 she seems… puzzled. for the social security administration has records on SIX different jeremiah smiths, all from different locations, but with the SAME FACE!!! this is weird enough to prompt a call to mulder, who has no service, but is very angry in an empty parking lot. 

X emerges into the parking lot- he is always emerging from places- and asks if he has “it”. he demands mulder give it to him, but he refuses. 

mulder (correctly) points out that it is a weapon used to pierce the back of an alien's neck, which is the only way we can kill “them”. and X says it’s value will soar when the truth is revealed, so i’m wondering if we can get a rough time frame on when that will be so i can get my things in order before then. X says they will kill him for it, even if it risks making him a martyr and his research coming to light. oh, they must want it really bad... maybe it's a special kind of needle you just can't get on earth.

mulder says to X, so you’re talking about colonization, and you have a date, don’t you? but he refuses to give the weapon over. prompting a battle! they seem pretty evenly matched, and they both pull their guns out. 

“if you shoot me, you’ll never find it” “i ought to shoot you anyway, after everything i’ve given you” says X, and WELL! X, you didn’t really do all that distribution of clues to mulder out of the goodness of your heart, did you… you’re leading him on a little quest on cancer man’s order’s, aren’t you???? I THINK YOU ARE!! but i don’t KNOW, because why then would he SNITCH on cancer man with those photos??!!!!

(not super clear on why exactly mulder wants to keep this thing other than keeping it out of the hands of evil, but maybe that is enough of a reason for him)

so they both have guns pointed at each other, and they’re limping away, and X announces that mulder is a dead man one way or the other. ????!!!!! i do not want him to be a dead man...

scully comes home to her place at 1 am… but someone is at the door. someone claiming to be jeremiah smith!!!! chat... do we believe it? and how did he even find where she lives...

he asks to be let in… and she is gonna let him in…? with only 3 minutes left in the episode….?! seems a risky move!

he says he has information on her partner and his sister. and scully says, well why didn’t you bring that up before!!! a very valid question! but get this- it's because he’s never SPOKEN to her before- that other man was an imposter, sent there to kill him!!!

OOOOH okay. so now the dual shape shifting aliens thing makes sense. one sent to hunt the other for breaking the rules... got it.

her phone is ringing as this goes down. it’s mulder, saying that “they” are looking for jeremiah smith, and to meet up off the I-95. so it’s very dark and creepy as they go to the rendez vous point.

mulder makes scully get behind him, getting between her and the alien formerly known as jeremiah smith (🩷) as he pulls out the alien killing needle. and this guy claims to be the OG calming man that healed those people, but that’s not really enough evidence for a guy like mulder. despite mulder's suspicious, the alien keeps saying he can explain everything. but first, mulder orders that he must come to see his mother.

OMG! so he wants to use the alien's powers to heal his mother! do you think it could work? i mean, a stroke and a bullet are different kinds of hurt... but maybe he could pull it off?

OH NO!!! who rolls up to this dark and creepy scene, but the hit man!!! a loud crescendo of music is playing and we get a TO BE CONTINUED

DAMN YOU, CHRIS CARTER!

i mean, i knew a cliffhanger ending was coming, but STILL.

okay, so what am i thinking about this episode… i am thinking that i don’t really know what is going on or where the loyalties lie. but it seems that alien colonization is eminent? and where does X fall on all of this? i assume he wanted the needle killer tool so HE could kill the REAL alien formerly known as calming man jeremiah smith, like cancer man wanted, for rebelling against their alien treaty and healing someone. but if that is what he wanted it for, and he is aligned with cancer man, why did he go behind his back to do the snooping on him with mulder’s mom?? was he trying to get mulder as an ally to do cancer man’s bidding through sneaky tricks??? or was he going to keep the needle out of cancer man's hands, and felt he could do it better than mulder could, so that by asking him to give up the needle, he would be saving mulder's life and risking his own? does he actually give a damn about mulder? also, how many different kinds of aliens are there??? and are they all lying about samantha?

so huh. umm. that was a lot of questions and not a lot of answers.

as interesting as this episode was plot-wise, and as much as i love angst, and how it pains me to see mulder mourn the potential loss of his mother, something in this episode just didn’t quite compel me. and then i realized: not enough scully. a criminal mistake, imo. takes what could be an amazing episode into an inherently mediocre one. 

but, what we did see of her was her kindness, using her doctorly knowledge to try and lift mulder’s spirits, risking a lot of danger to try and get the answers for him, even if it means getting involved with alien bullshit. maybe she thinks it’ll bring her answers about her sister and her own abduction… yes, that has to be it. still, a grave sin to omit her. it just feels fundamentally Off.

so, that was the end of s3! well, as i have done twice before now, i’ll make my season wrap up posts before i get onto s4- even if it does end with a cliffhanger that is honestly SO rude. i’ll have to go over all my notes again to find the best moments and compile them, which is always a task (even if it is a major treat). and i have a feeling there will be a LOT of favorite moments this time around. plus i'll update the masterpost.

thank you to everyone who read this far, and reads this blog at all. i can't believe i am on season 4! it really makes my day to see people's reactions to the episode, learn fun facts, and experience the community in this fandom that i am otherwise denied by my persistence in avoiding spoilers. please feel free to go back and interact with old posts, too- it makes me so happy when i get notifications from that.

until next time, you agents in a dangerous back alley with some skirmishing aliens!

[lunathebee]

THE MOON BOYS REACTING TO Y/N GETTING INTO A CAR ACCIDENT

Warning: mention of hospital and injuries

A/n: Please don't read if this triggers any bad memories of yours; I wrote this to comfort myself. Thank you and have a good day ^^

🍓 Steven Grant 🍓

Marc probably hid this news from Steven because he thought you would get better quickly, and therefore he could save Steven from a mental breakdown.

But Steven can sense something is wrong: how you rarely show up, how Marc looks away when your name is mentioned, how you never answer your phone.

At first, he thought you didn't want to be friends anymore and he was so sad.

Any talk with Marc about "Y/n" got shut down quickly and just left a bitter taste in his mouth.

Until one day he took over Marc's body and realized he was standing in a hospital, the  distinct odor made him feel nauseous.

"Excuse me? Mr.Spector? Usual visiting time today, right? You can go in now; they're waiting" A nurse came up and spoke to Steven; it seemed like she knew Marc.

Steven was so confused, he was about to leave and go back home. "I'm sorry, who is waiting for me?".

The nurse shot him a questioning look and blinks a few times. "The...doctor and Y/n Y/l/n? In room number 1? I'm sorry. Have I mistook you with someone?".

Steven can't believe his ears, his legs turn into jelly, and he falls back down on the hard floor. His mind gets swarmed with so many emotions.

He had to hold himself back, chocking from a sob that was coming.

You were in an accident, a car accident, all this time, and Marc had the audacity to hide it from HIM.

"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...Oh no...Oh..." Steven can barely contain himself when he sees you in the hospital bed; he is scared to even touch you.

Overall, when it comes to Steven, a lot of tears will be involved, even when he tries his best not to cry.

🍓 Marc Spector 🍓

A call from your phone number is all it takes.

He picked it up as usual, but instead of your voice, it was a person saying "Sir, are you Marc? You are listed as an emergency contact An accident happened; I need you to go to—".

Marc ends the call so quickly and fumbles with his jacket, his hands shaking from what he just heard.

Oh dear, he is frantic and wants to be near you all the time.

Will have at least one fight with the nurse or the doctor because he just refused to leave you alone.

"SIR, THE PATIENT NEEDS REST" - "I WILL BE QUIET".

And as I said before, he will hide everything from Steven; it's not on purpose; Marc just wants to help you get better as soon as possible, before Steven can notice.

(That backfired quickly)

Marc never told anyone, but he has slept in the hospital hallway, on the bench, on a chair, anywhere he can.

He couldn't miss the doctor's update about your situation.

🍓 Jake Lockley 🍓

One step away from committing a crime.

Arguing with the nurse and doctor in Spanish.

But never with you.

Never.

Jake doesn't treat you any differently than before.

It is still the same lovesick look.

He would hold and kiss your hands whenever he got the chance.

Jake will talk a lot too, engaging in conversation—anything to keep your little head forgetting about the pain.

While Steven is too scared to say anything and Marc is worried about your health, Jake is there to comfort you.

Cry all you want, but cry in his arms, please.

How cruel do you have to be to keep a man from touching you?

[hbbisenieks]

i know someone whose parent is concerned that they haven't given enough thought to the idea of going on hrt, that they may be rushing into it, and that their doctor might just throw medication at the problem.

i understand that this parent is largely coming at this from a place of love (and i get how clueless lots of parents are about lots of things)

but it makes me laugh: this idea that someone might rush headlong into hrt, even leaving aside how Long it takes to even get an appointment to see someone who can get you an appointment with an endocrinologist.

i live in a place where i'm lucky enough to have access to a very good gender clinic that is in-network, and to live in a state where getting on hrt is easy and doesn't even require going through a shrink first and getting diagnosed with Official Dysphoria. when i actually said out loud "i want to get on hrt," it took me three weeks. but it took me most of ten years to say that out loud to myself or anyone else.

i don't know a single trans person who's done Any transition, whether that's been hrt, surgeries, or even just pronouns or wardrobe or name who didn't Agonize over that for ages. not a single one.

and i just wish that every "concerned" cis person could actually understand that. i wish they could understand and accept that most if not all of the messages they've gotten about trans people, even from Good, Liberal sources has been poisoned by transphobic rhetoric from people who play concern in bad faith because to some people, there is never a right time to transition.

there is no "social contagion" of transness. nobody is forcibly transing kids' genders. you can't walk into a doctor's office cold and walk out with a prescription for hormones and an appointment for them to chop your dick off 20 minutes later.

in general, imagine how hard it is to get treatment from your doctor, and then multiply that difficulty by ten, and you'll be getting close to understanding the hoops that many of us are made to jump through to access life-saving care.

when i went on hrt—hell, when i said out loud that i wanted to go on hrt—it was like a switch had flipped. within a couple weeks of starting hrt, my therapist said that i was so much happier, and i could feel it. it hasn't been a magic cure that's instantly made me never be sad ever again, because that shit does not exist. it hasn't solved all my problems. it can't, because a lot of my problems are external: capitalism and transphobia to name two of the big ones.

but it's changed my life.

and yeah, i wish that i could've realized sooner that what i needed was hrt, but i'm here now.

[chartmyfixations]

cris watches dr. who: s02e04 - "The Girl in the Fireplace"

"What's a horse doing on a spaceship?" "Mickey, what's Pre-Revolutionary France doing on a spaceship? Get a little perspective!"

"He's the only man I ever loved, don't look at me like that." Poor lad. The Doctor does have this effect on people, doesn't he?

Aw. Rose sharing her universe with Mickey is adorable

Space Age Clockwork is such a cool theme to design around! It really works: the contrast between the clock, the fireplace and the foppish robots on the one hand and the cool stark blue of the spaceship on the other. Pretty pretty

The word "Don't" really doesn't work on Rose

I've had it with these motherfucking horses on this motherfucking spaceship

Oof. That is one gummy ass heart

I knew nothing of Madame de Pompadour as a historical figure, so this whole episode is an eye-opening delight

Also a fan that the locale (for once) is France rather than somewhere in England

"Why can't I keep the horse? I let you keep Mickey!" Hee

Dang. The Doctor has surprise telepathy?

Dang². Reinette has a surprise knack for reverse!telepathy? It's nice, watching the Doctor experience that terrifying moment where you realize you like someone and they see you and you want to be known but also being known by that person is the most terrifying thing ever

I like how the Doctor assumes the telepathic connection works one way but it is quickly revealed that it works both ways. Hey, just like the fireplace

Wow, I'm really good at literary analysis

Poor Ms. Fish, stepping from that beautiful lush Versailles into a Power Rangers set

Hey, I also wore white All Stars in the zeroes!

Mdm. Pompadour's last letter -- I'm not crying, you're crying

So, why were the robots waiting for Ms. Pompadour to be 'done'? Was it her intelligence? Her telepathic prowess?

Aw, the ship is bearing her name. As their last resort, they saw her as their solution. That's... kind of sad. The robots were so desperately trying to find a way out within their limitless means, not realizing they had destroyed their underlying purpose (Fix the ship should obviously lead to saving the crew) in the process. It kind of reminds of the Can't Help Myself-robot.)

8 out of 8 Tardes. Beautiful episode with a cool, innovative plot. +1 for the inclusion of Mdm. Pompadour and her amazing actress

[black-arcana]

BATTLE BEAST's NOORA LOUHIMO Shares Message In Support Of Pride Month

BATTLE BEAST's Noora Louhimo has shared a message in support of LGBTQ+ Pride Month. Taking place in June, Pride Month is a time when the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender community, their supporters, and allies come together to celebrate love, diversity, acceptance, and unashamed self-pride.

On Saturday (June 1),Noora took to her Instagram to write: "WONDERFUL PRIDE month for LBTGQ+ communities and everyone who agrees for equal love, self and sexuality. I hope that one day we could live in a world where equality would be the norm in all communities.

"As a woman, I unfortunately still face unequal treatment and a certain kind of sexism seems to be built into people's core behavior (which comes from home education) and some don't even realize they are sexist. Also women towards other women and themselves. For example, it is really sad to see/hear women criticizing other women and their sexual expression or showy appearance/dressing. EVERYONE'S OWN LOOK has been the only way for women to express themselves and their own values since time immemorial. The cloak of shame was not invented by women. But unfortunately, instead of encouraging self-expression, we bark and be mean. What one says about another comes from how you see yourself and your own fear.

"Let's take off those cloaks of shame and burn them at the stake. Let's be on each other's side. Let's be on the side of those who need it. Let's jump into other people's shoes and understand that equal treatment is not an everyday life for everyone, but a struggle for it every day.

"The fact that I dress the way I want, demand respectful and equal treatment, am strong-willed, ambitious and determined, speak up for others and myself does not make me a 'bitch'. Crying, talking about my feelings/thoughts and being emotional to everyone doesn't make me weak. It makes me strong and happy when I am openly myself. At the same time, I want to encourage and support others to do the same.

"THIS IS WHY I HAVE THE BATTLE VITCH HORNS OF COURAGE. And I will always continue to fight for equality. In this world, evil is putting oneself above others, narrow realities and being greedy.

"I hope that I can have at least a little influence on how people treat each other with my own example.

"LOVE AND PEACE AND PRIDE

"#pride #equality #humanity #goodvalues #selfesteem #thecloakofshame #proudtobeme #proudofyou"

Louhimo revealed in November that she had been diagnosed with a ruptured left carotid artery, causing the postponement the band's tour. The 35-year-old Finnish musician has since said in an interview that she has "definitely started doing more warm-up before any singing and warming down and taking care of my overall health even more than before." She added: "I really appreciate life more now. I'm thankful for each and every day and every moment that I get to live, I get to love, I get to see. I get to see people. I get to be with my loved ones and with my animals here at home. And now I get to tour in the places that I've always dreamed of. And it's not something that you should take [for] granted."

When Louhimo first revealed her diagnosis seven months ago, she wrote on her social media: "I went to be examined because of a weird pain in the left side of my neck, throat, ear and chin. At ultrasound examination the doctor found the rupture that had already started healing, and he saved my life. I was hospitalized for more exams and finally got confirmation of the situation. I was ordered to have a break on everything that might stress or increase my blood pressure for the next month. Otherwise, I could have a stroke. As you know how passionate I am as a singer and performer, the blood pressure getting high is a guarantee. So, I did not want to take the risk to die with my boots on, not quite yet".

Louhimo joined BATTLE BEAST in 2012 with no previous experience as a metal vocalist but quickly acclimated herself as the replacement for Nitte Valo (a.k.a. Nitte Vänskä).

Less than two years ago, Noora, who in 2021 released her debut solo album, "Eternal Wheel Of Time And Space", under the NOORA LOUHIMO EXPERIENCE banner, admitted publicly that she had been struggling with eating disorders and her weight since she was "a little child" and said that she was "still trying to find a balance." She added that she had "been depressed and anxious sometimes 'without a reason'."

[cariantha]

Prom

Book: Open Heart, Book 2

Pairing: Dr. Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Dr. Sawyer Brooks)

Rating: Teen

Category: Fluff

Word count: 2.2K

Summary: Ethan helps Sawyer remedy one of her biggest regrets.

A/N: This fic was inspired by an ask from @jerzwriter who wanted to know whether Sawyer and Ethan attended their high school proms.

Sawyer slept peacefully in his arms for a couple of hours before waves of excruciating stomach aches began to crash over her. Having done everything he could medically, all Ethan could do now was hold her hand through it and hope that the others would be able to manufacture a miracle.

Sawyer could no longer diminish the severity of the pain. She cries and wraps her arms around her waist as the next bout of sharp cramping cripples her body. 

“I know, Rookie… I know,” he gently rubs her back, feeling otherwise helpless. As her suffering subsides, Ethan eases her back against the pillow and dabs the tears from her face with a tissue. The dull reflection in her eyes concerns him. As the maitotoxin steals the strength from her body, the hopelessness of the situation robs her of the will to fight. 

“What a waste,” she whispers looking up at the ceiling. 

“What’s a waste?”

“My life.”

“How can you possibly think that?” he questions, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. With plastic-covered hands, he brushes some stray hairs from her face.

“I spent half of my life doing what I thought other people expected of me. I’ve spent the other half working myself to death to become a doctor. And for what? I’m finally at the finish line and it’s all been for nothing. I could have spent more time with my family. Hell, I could have had my own family by now. I could have traveled. I could have… I could have gone to prom!” she turns and sobs into the pillow. 

“Sawyer, you can’t think like that. Don’t think about what you didn’t get to do. Think about what you’re going to do when you get out of this room.” 

They both sit in silence for a moment when Ethan shakes his head with a chuckle.

“What’s so funny?” she asks, wiping away the new tears.

“Prom? Really? That’s one of your biggest regrets?” he laughs.

Sawyer plays it back in her head and starts laughing with him, realizing how ridiculous it sounded. 

“It’s stupid, I know!” she admits, “But it was just one of those rites of passage moments that I missed out on.”

“Why didn’t you go? It’s hard to believe that no one asked the smartest and most beautiful girl in school.”

Sawyer can't help the big smile that spreads across her face. A small win for Ethan as he tries to keep her spirits up. 

“Thank you. No one got the chance to ask because I graduated from high school a year early. I didn’t get to do any of the senior year stuff like spring break, ditch day, prom, graduation parties…” 

“I didn’t go to my prom either.” 

“Really? Why?”

“I couldn’t justify digging into my college savings for an over-the-top one-time date. My dad offered to help with a little extra cash, but I didn’t feel right accepting when he still had to work overtime to make ends meet. And honestly, there wasn’t anyone I was willing to suffer through that kind of evening with.”

“If I had been in your class, would you have asked me?”

Thinking of all the things he would have done differently since meeting Sawyer, “I would have been the first in line to ask and I would have spent my whole damn savings just to impress you.”

She holds onto that thought as another agonizing wave of pain rolls over her.

********************

It’s been several months since the attack and Sawyer slips into a period of depression, the aftermath still too heavy a burden at times. All that hangs in the air as a result of the impending hospital closure causes overwhelming anxiety and sadness. 

Ethan begins to notice the signs. Lack of interest. Withdrawal. Tiredness. Dwelling on the past. 

To his credit, Ethan’s made quite the effort to remedy his biggest regret. Determined to make every precious moment count, he holds Sawyer in his arms every chance he gets and shows her as often as possible just how much she means to him. But he wants to do something more. Provide a distraction. Give her something to look forward to. Make up for lost time and missed chances. And that’s when the idea comes to him. He’s going to take Sawyer to prom. 

********************

“Hey, Dr. Hottie! What brings you to my neck of the woods?” 

“Kyra,” he warns.

“Sorry. I need to remember you can report me to HR now,” she laughs. “What’s up, Doc?”

“I was hoping for your assistance with a personal matter.” Ethan takes a seat in front of her desk and explains his idea. “Given your experience with event planning, I figured you’d be the best person to ask. So, what do you think?”

“What I think, Dr. Ro-man-sey… is you just got my vote for prom king.”

Rolling his eyes at the new nickname, “Ok, so where should we start?”

********************

A few days later, Ethan is in the cafeteria waiting in line for the cashier. From behind him, he hears, “Hi, Dr. Ramsey!” 

“Trinh.”

“Kyra filled us in last night and I’m so excited for Sawyer. Let me know if I can help in any way.”

“Thank you.”

“So, how are you planning to ask her?”

“I was going to mention it tonight during dinner.” 

“No, no, no,” she shakes her head, “You have to come up with a cute prom proposal.”

“A what?”

As they reach the register, Ethan pays for both of their lunches. 

“Thank you!” She follows him to a table, sits down, and continues. “A prom proposal. Hold on… let me show you.”

Sienna pulls out her phone and opens the Pinterest app. She starts showing Ethan the different ideas and he vehemently shakes his head. 

“No.”  

“Ethan, it’s a major part of the prom experience nowadays.” 

As he pinches the bridge of his nose, Sienna scrolls down the page, commenting on the different photos. “What about this one?... Ooh, this would be super cute… Aww, look how sweet…”

“Go back up,” he instructs and points. “That one.”

She pauses to consider, realizing that was probably as “cute” as it was going to get coming from Ethan Ramsey. “Yeah, that’s perfect. Here’s what I think you should do…” 

********************

The next day, Ethan asks Sawyer to meet him for an afternoon break at Derry Roasters. He arrives twenty minutes beforehand to place a special order with the friendly barista who is more than happy to accommodate.

Arriving right on time, Sawyer greets him with a quick peck. “Hi.”

“Hi. I placed our order already,” pulling a chair out for her to sit. He notices the slump of her shoulders and the circles under her eyes. He reaches for her hand and holds it in her lap until their order is called.

“For Ethan!” the barista shouts. 

“Here you go,” Ethan returns, strategically setting the cup in front of Sawyer. 

“Thank y– wait, I don’t think this is mine,” she responds, looking around the café for a pair of teenagers.

“That’s your usual. It’s what I ordered.”

“Yeah, but it says, ‘Prom?’ I think this is meant to ask someone to prom,” showing him the writing on the cup.

“It is. So? Will you go to prom with me?”

“What?” she giggles, looking at him like he’s crazy.

“I want to take you to prom.”

Ethan can see the smile starting to form at the corner of her lips and a twinkle of excitement in her eyes. 

Raising her eyebrows, “How are you going to do that?”

“I have my ways.”

“And when is this happening?”

“Saturday after next. You can go dress shopping this weekend.”

As she looks at the cup in her hand again, a huge smile spreads across her face. Her eyes start to glisten with happy tears and she moves into Ethan’s lap wrapping her arms around his neck. Placing a gentle kiss on his lips, “I would love to go to prom with you, Ethan.” 

“Sawyer! Your date is here!” Sienna sings out. She and the other roommates all gather in the living room to see their friend’s grand entrance. 

With one last check in the mirror, Sawyer makes her way down the hall. A vision in glittering gold sequins, but it's the sparkle that has returned to her emerald eyes that captures Ethan’s attention.  

“Hi,” welcoming him with an uncontrollable smile. Her fingers run over the lapel of his tuxedo jacket, “Wow, you look great.”

“And you look–”

“Appropriate?” she teases. 

“Will that joke ever get old?” he wonders out loud. Leaning close to her ear, “I was going to say hot. If we didn’t have an audience right now…” he trails off placing a kiss on her cheek. Offering his arm, “Shall we?” 

“Oh, real quick. Si? Would you mind taking a couple of pictures before we go?”

Minutes later they step out onto the street and Sawyer can’t believe her eyes. “You rented a limo?” 

“Of course I did. It’s the prom.” As the chauffeur comes around to open the door, Ethan reaches into his pocket. “I have something for you. Hold out your hand. It’s not the traditional flower corsage…” he explains clasping a vintage Tiffany’s bracelet around her wrist, “but I wanted you to have something to always remember this night.”

Looking up into his sincere eyes, she kisses him. “How could I ever forget?” wrapping her arms around his waist, “And in case I forget to tell you later... thank you for the most amazing night.”

While Ethan and Sawyer enjoy a five-star meal at an exclusive restaurant downtown, her friends change and head to the venue with their plus ones. 

As the limo pulls up in front of the hotel and the chauffeur opens the door, Sawyer immediately spots a familiar face. “Alan?” she meets with a hug. “What are you doing here?”

“Well, I had to see my boy off to his first prom and get a photo for the mantel.” Taking a step back he squared up his phone, “Squeeze together and say ‘Prom!’” 

Alan escorts them inside, and when Sawyer enters the beautifully decorated ballroom, her eyes begin to swell. There is a dance floor in the middle of the room flanked by a couple of tables on each side. On stage, a live band plays a Bruno Mars’ cover of “Just the Way You Are”, a popular song from the year Sawyer graduated high school. As she turns to Ethan, she sees a small crowd gathering behind them. 

“What?!,” she spins around in shock, “I can’t believe you were all in on this!” 

She hugs each of her friends and exchanges pleasantries with the newcomers. Elijah and Phoebe. Bryce came with his kid sister, Keiki. Jackie, Aurora, and Kyra with dates that Sawyer hadn’t met before. And Rafael who had suggested to Sienna that they go together, knowing she was still struggling to move on after Danny. 

Off to the side, Sawyer noticed one other person.

“And where’s your date, handsome?” she kisses the older man on the cheek. 

“Oh, I’m not here as a guest, my dear. I’m your chaperone for this lovely event,” Naveen jokingly clarifies.

“Well, I’m going to save you a dance anyway. As you know, I sort of have a thing for authority figures,” she quips, backing up and wrapping an arm around Ethan’s waist. 

As the evening carries on, Sawyer hits the dance floor with her friends. Ethan cuts in for nearly every slow dance, only allowing turns for Alan and Naveen. Sawyer tries to get Ethan to stay for a couple of upbeat songs. Arm looped behind her and around his neck, she rocks her hips from side to side. Ethan stands in place, and with his hands on her swaying hips, it looks as though he’s moving along to the beat.

When the band starts playing another lively tune, Ethan makes his way to the bar for a drink. 

“It’s like a trial run!” Naveen shouts over the music.

Alan clinks his glass against Naveen’s.  

“What are you two conspiring about now?” Ethan interrupts.

“Naveen was just saying tonight could be seen as a trial run… for you know… da-da-da-dum, da-da-da-dum,” Alan hums with a crooked smile. 

“Oh, for Christ’s sake,” Ethan rolls his eyes and moves around them. “Bartender, a double?”

After Sienna surprises them both by announcing Ethan as prom king and crowning Sawyer prom queen, the evening begins to wind down. Naveen offers to give Alan a lift back to Ethan’s apartment. The friend group splits off, some heading home while others continue their date night activities elsewhere. 

Sawyer finds Ethan, his hand outstretched to tuck her into his arms.  

“This has been the most amazing night. I don’t want it to be over yet,” she breathes into his chest while squeezing him.

“It doesn’t have to be,” he says, holding up a hotel key card. “I’ve arranged for a private afterparty in a suite upstairs.” Leaning down to whisper into her ear, “If you think I’m not going to make a play on my girlfriend and try to steal her prom virginity… you’ve misjudged me.”

“Well then, consider yourself lucky, Ethan Ramsey. Because I was definitely planning to put out for you tonight.” 

Tag List: @choicesficwriterscreations @openheartfanfics @potionsprefect @jamespotterthefirst @annfg8 @peonierose @socalwriterbee @tessa-liam @jerzwriter @quixoticdreamer16 @mysticalgalaxysstuff @inlocusmads @txemrn @trappedinfanfiction @mvalentine @takemyopenheart @ofmischiefandmedicine @openheartforeverinmyheart @doriopenheart @coffeeheartaddict2 @genevievemd @starrystarrytrouble @hopelessromantic1352 @kyra75 @lsvdw-blog

[jumpywhumpywriter]

A Life in the Hands of the Enemy -- Villain reluctantly saves Hero's Life part 29

Warnings: recovery whump, hospitals, death sentence being carried out for Villain

All traces of humor left his face, replaced with haunting fear and uneasiness.

"Indeed it is," Amber agreed quietly. The silence stretched between them for what seemed like an eternity, before she finally broke it. "I have to ask... why did you bother shielding me when Supervillain was about to kill me?"

"Because I couldn't exactly beat him without your help," Zack answered flippantly.

Amber frowned. "I just... so that was really the only reason?"

Zack faltered at that, glancing away in -- guilt? Was she reading it right? His jaw worked for a moment before he mustered his voice again. "...I suppose I'm going to die anyway, so it doesn't matter if I tell you. Not like you can use it against me when I'm gone. So here goes..." He cleared his throat awkwardly, more serious than Amber had ever seen him.

"The first few days after I first saved your life when you were bleeding out, it puzzled me that you were more worried about your teammates facing Supervillain than what I was going to do with you. I didn't understand it. But eventually I realized it was because you are a truly good person inside. A good friend, specifically." Zack turned his face away in shame.

"I guess... ugh, you're going to think I'm so petty for this, but as much as I hate to admit it, I was jealous of what you had. That closeness with your peers, that support system. I've never had that in my entire life. I never even knew what being a good person was. I've always been a villain from the start." His voice cracked.

"And when Supervillain aimed his gauntlet at you, it just sort of suddenly hit me that... no one's going to miss me when I die. They'll celebrate, maybe have a party. But for you... the city would mourn, and cry, and grieve your loss. Because they care about you. You matter more to them than I do, so I made a calculated decision that if I died it would have a less severe impact on the world. That's the truth behind why I shielded you. Pathetic, right?" He laughed, but it came out bitter and dry.

Amber didn't laugh though, her chest tightening painfully as she came to stand right next to the medical bed, looking down on Zack.

"You said you've never had what I have before... do you mean to say you've never had a real friend?"

Zack didn't meet her gaze. "...Yes," he mumbled, a little sheepishly. "I have had what I thought were 'friends' in the past, but it seems everyone stabs you in the back sooner or later. Eventually I learned to stop turning my back to people. So they can stab me in the chest instead, but at least then I'll see it coming. Safer that way. I stopped trying to make friends a long time ago." He finally lifted his sad eyes to meet hers, full of embarrassed guilt, and Amber got the feeling he was letting her in on a rare bit of vulnerability. "Cherish your friends, Amber, for some of us aren't so lucky to find loyal people like that. I envy you greatly for what you have."

Amber opened her mouth to respond, when the door opened, and an officer poked his head in. "It's time," he said gruffly. "You've gotta leave now."

Amber glanced back at Zack, whose face was a mask of practiced, professional stoicism once more, no trace of weakness left as his walls went back up. He didn't say another word as Amber walked out. But she returned a short while later, carrying a small black case in one hand as she approached Zack's bedside.

Zack raised an eyebrow quizzically.

"After a bit of convincing, I talked the doctors into letting me carry out the death sentence myself," Amber explained quietly, and opened the case, revealing a single syringe next to a small vial with a warning label on it. "I figured you'd appreciate it if it was me."

"Aww, just couldn't get enough of me, could you?" Zack teased sweetly with too much honey in his voice, but Amber didn't miss the way his eyes were tracking her hands as she stabbed the needle into the vial and drew out the lethal drug inside.

"I suppose it's only fair, though, after all I've done to you," he added, quieter than before. "Kind of poetic, if you think about it."

Amber leaned over him, expression stoney. "...Before I do this, anything else you want to say?"

Zack chewed his lip, eyes wide with barely-concealed fear as he eyed the needle -- the punishment for all his crimes, karma in liquid form. "Yes, I... I want to say I'm sorry, for all the pain I've caused you. And... if circumstances were different... we could have even been friends." He swallowed thickly.

Amber wasn't expecting the confession, an outright apology from someone like Zack. But she nodded solemnly, taking Zack's arm in one hand and finding a good vein. "You ready?"

"To die? Not really," Zack said shakily, "but I don't have much of a choice, now, do I?"

Amber held his gaze the entire time as she slid the needle into his skin, watching him flinch as she injected liquid death into his body. She removed the needle after and disposed of it, before pulling up a chair next to the bed to wait for the drugs to take hold.

⏪️ Back Next ⏩️

Masterlist

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@whump-till-ya-jump @cravesunconditionallove @whumpwritinglover222

[whats-wild-to-you]

Dr. Daredevil (Jay Park AU)

Chaeyeon

'Nurse Jung could become an issue.'

I replayed Kang Hyuntae's words in my mind over and over again.

Jaebeom had left for the hospital but insisted that I stayed here and, as he so eloquently put it, heal.

I was absentmindedly chewing on my french toast when I heard the front door spring open. Thinking that Jaebeom came back because he forgot something, I jumped on my feet, eager to meet him halfway.

Only when I stared into the cold eyes of his grandfather, I realized I was wearing one of Jaebeom's shirt that barely covered my ass.

"Figures." The old man commented dryly.

"Mr. Park, I-"

"Save it. I'll wait here while you get dressed."

Much to my surprise I complied and shuffled back to the bedroom, picking up my clothes that there scattered all over the floor.

"I had no idea Jae-"

"That stupid immature boy really thinks he can keep secrets from me."

"I-"

"Let's get to the point of my surprise visit. Ms. Baek, I'll make it quick. I want you gone! Out of my grandson's bed, and life. Out of Seoul. Tell me, how much will it cost?"

I was so taken aback that for a moment I was glad that I didn't sell my parents's house in Andong. But then I came back to my senses. Jaebeom's grandfather was controlling his life and maybe he was intimidating enough to threaten a few more people but he wouldn't succeed with me.

"I'm not quitting!"

"I gathered that much. I'm sad to say that leaves only one option."

He turned on his feet and left without finishing his thought, but I had a pretty good idea about what was going to happed. He would get me fired. I had no doubt that Jaebeom's grandfather possessed that kind of power. All I could hope for was that Kim Donghyun wouldn't let himself get bullied by an old man with money.

Kang Hyuntae

The minute I saw Chaeyeon walking towards me, I knew something was wrong. All her measly attempts to appear busy and dodge everyone who tried to approach her couldn't fool me.

When she passed by me, nodding her head in greeting, I grabbed her arm and dragged her inside the nearest supply closet.

"What the fuck is wrong?"

"With you? I'd say a lot!"

"Quit bullshitting. What happened?"

She pushed past me, shooting me a warning glare. I decided to let her go, I'd approach her later when she had time to cool off.

But I didn't see her for the rest of the day, and stayed well after I was done with work, waiting for her.

Chaeyeon

Thank God my day turned out to be busy. I welcomed the workload, as it kept my mind from spiraling. There was no doubt in my mind that Jaebeom's grandfather had threatened me. I needed someone to confide in, but I couldn't talk to either Jaebeom or Dr. Kang.

Twelve hours after I entered the hospital this morning I checked up on my last patient and handed my files to the night nurse. My job here was done and I had earned myself a hot bath and a warm meal at home.

"Dr. Baek?"

I turned around, looking into the frightened eyes of a younger doctor.

"The director wants to see you."

Even though I was desperate to take a quick shower and change out of these filthy scrubs, I nodded and changed my direction, walking towards the elevators.

At an easy pace I walked up to Kim Donghyun's office. I had caught a rare case earlier. A patient who came in, displaying conflicting symptoms. Every doctor was in his room, trying to figure out what was wrong with the man, but in the end it was me who diagnosed him correctly. I guess word travelled back to Kim Donghyun and he wanted to congratulate me. Maybe even present me with a premium. Already schemening about how I would spent the money, I pushed down the handle, casually walking in and plopping down on his comfortable couch.

"Hello, Mr. Kim." I said in a chipper tone.

Kim Donghyun looked up from his folder, acknowledging my presence.

"Dr. Baek, you're here."

I was still on a high from my earlier success that I failed to hear the dull tone in his voice.

"I heard you had an interesting case earlier..."

I was grinning from ear to ear, impatiently waiting to hear about my reward.

"... which makes what I'm about to say even more difficult. Dr. Baek, I'm sorry but you're fired."

It was as if someone had dropped a bucket of ice cold water over my head. I was petrified, my mind was racing to make sense of what I just heard, yet I couldn't move my lips to utter that one word swirling around in my head.

Why?

I watched as Kim Donghyun shifted his focus back on the folder on his desk, indicating that our conversation was over.

Just like that?

Fired?

Without any plausible reason?

Really?, the voice in my head screamed.

It took all my willpower to get up and leave his office with my head held high, when all I wanted to do was cry, drop down on my knees and beg him to change his mind.

You know why you're fired!, a much smaller voice answered in my head as I finally shuffled out of his office.

It appeared that Jaebeom's grandfather was a lot more powerful than I had imagined.

Not wanting to deal with anyone, I just exited the hospital, needing to get far away from this place. In reality I was cowering on a park bench in a nearby park, waiting for the time to pass. Eventually I had to go back for my clothes and stuff but the later it got the bigger were my chances to walk into an empty hospital.

It was close to midnight when I heaved my body off the wooden park bench and began walking towards the building. I passed by the security guard who greeted me and turned left heading towards the cafeteria. It was a shortcut. If I took the emergency staircase up to the fourth floor I could avoid the night nurse too.

"There you are!" I heard someone call after me.

I immediately recognized his voice. Moments later he emerged from the shadows.

"Maybe you want to talk about it now?"

"What's the point? You already know!"

"I do. You got fired. Did you run into Jaebeom's grandfather? Where? Did he threaten you? Ask you to leave? Talk to me!"

I cringed when Kang Hyuntae mentioned Jaebeom. For a moment I wondered if he knew. If I would find a dozen unanswered calls and messages on my phone.

"He doesn't know. He left early."

Does that mean everybody else in this hospital knows I was fired?

"I just came back to get my stuff."

"What will you do?"

I just shook my head, unable to form a coherent thought. I'd have to confront myself at some point and seek answers to these questions, but not tonight.

Jaebeom

After I had left work early, I had dinner with some businessmen my grandfather insisted I had to meet. Dinner led to drinks, which led to more drinks at a bar and by the end of the night I was drunk and had to call a substitute driver.

I barely made it into my apartment and sulked when I realized Chaeyeon wasn't there. Surely she must've seen the key I left for her on the shoe rack. I smiled to myself, realizing I probably had to spell it out for her.

I didn't think I was ready for her to move in permanently but I definitely wanted her to use the key and make a surprise appearance every now and then.

My last thought before I drifted off to sleep was how the sheets still smelled like her and how that was the closest this place ever felt to a home.

I texted Chaeyeon first thing in the morning, asking if we could meet outside the hospital for lunch. When I didn't get a text back I chalked it up to her busy schedule. As I walked in through the door I texted Hyuntae, asking him to meet me in my office.

When he showed up, he looked like he had a rough night and an even rougher morning.

"Everything okay? You look like crap."

He nodded, but there was surprise, astonishment and worry in his eyes. His lips formed into an o-shape and he avoided eye contact.

"You're being weird today. Weirder than usual. Hey, have you seen Chaeyeon this morning? She must be super busy!"

He shook his head, trying to squeeze his body past mine even though I was effectively blocking the door.

When I fixated my stare on him he sighed before racking his fingers through his hair.

"Last night Kim fired Chaeyeon."

"What?" The word came out as a angry roar.

Why didn't she contact me? Why didn't Kim contact me?

"I don't know the specifics, all I know is that this has Park Min Gu written all over it!"

"My grandfather? Why would h-" The words stuck in my throat. Of course he would do something like that. He probably had planned it all along.

"I tried to talk to her, yesterday morning, but she wouldn't tell me what was wrong with her!"

"Yesterday morning?!"

My mind was going a mile a minute. I left in my apartment yesterday morning. Could my gr- No! Impossible. I bought the apartment with my own money, using an alias. There's no way he found out I own it. But what if he-

"Fuck! Do you know where she is right now?"

"No idea. I tried to call her but her phone must be turned off."

"What about Lee Kangmin?" I hated this guy with a passion but he was Chaeyeon's friend. Maybe he knew something.

Kang Hyuntae's face lit up. "I didn't even think about asking him. I'll track him down and see what I can find out. I'll text you as soon as I know more."

He patted my shoulder and left me alone with my thoughts.

This time the chairman went definitely too far.

Chaeyeon

Soojung loaded my plate with scrambled eggs and french toast and placed a mug of black coffee next to it.

"Eat. Then talk." She demanded, while angrily stabbing the scrambled eggs with her fork.

I had showed up at her door late last night and initially offered no explanation for my sudden visit.

Instead I noticed the absence of her husband, but not only he was gone. His stuff was gone too.

'We're not going to talk about my failed marriage when you look like you've been crying. Spit it out or I'll make you!'

Soojung had always been intimidating, but because I was her friend I was immune to it. Last night though she was terrifying, so I gave her the Reader's Digest version before curling up into a ball on the couch and falling asleep.

After I had told her the whole story over breakfast the next morning, she sighed, impatiently tapping her perfectly manicured nails on the marble counter.

"What are you going to do next?"

"What else? I'm going back to Andong."

"No way! You have to stay and fight. They can't fire you like this!"

"What's the point? Jaebeom's grandfather has too much influence! I can stay but I won't get hired by another hospital in this city! Mr. Park made sure of that."

"What will you do about Jaebeom? I'm sure he's going to call when he finds out what the old man did. Are you going to ignore him?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "They're family."

"And you really want to go?"

"Want, no! But I have no choice. I'm going to call Hwang Inseok and beg for my old job back, and pray that the news haven't reached his ears yet."

My genius plan backfired, royally, when Hwang Inseok ignored all my calls.

An unnerving thought sat in the pit of my stomach. Did the old man's power reach so far that he was able to manipulate Hwang Inseok too?

Surely that wouldn't be the case, but I had to see for myself. I had to go to Andong and see Hwang Inseok in person.

After charging my phone, I switched it back on and, no surprise, found several dozen messaged and missed calls from Jaebeom. Out of instinct, I blocked his number and asked Soojung for the keys to her car.

-> next chapter

[acethatlovesdinos]

I made this a long time ago, when I was first struggling with undiagnosed, unmedicated, and untreated depression and anxiety. (I think I was like 13 or 14???)

I've always been better at processing physical words, so writing and poetry became a strong outlet in that time frame.

When I wrote this, I was in a bad place, I would like to make that clear.

My mom showed it to my doctor when I finally spoke up about the issue, and he, as well as a few other professionals, told me I had put the topic of Depression into clearer words than many adults they'd treated in the past, and that I should publish that writing one day, because maybe it'd help some other people make sense of things too.

Anyway, here that is. It's completely unchanged from the day I wrote it, just a copy/paste from the original document.

Trigger warning for blatant description of severe depressive and anxiety symptoms, as well as brief mentions of self harm and suicide.

(btw I am now 19, I am okay, I got help years ago, everything is fine. You aren't alone, either. No one is beyond saving. I love you!)

--------------

I think it's depression.

I mean, why else would I feel like this? This is definitely not a way normal people feel and think. They don’t feel worthless or hopeless or like they’d be better off dead. They don’t stay awake until past eleven and wake up at 3 in the morning. They don’t spend half their nights crying silently because they’re worthless and broken and a waste of space. They don’t pray only to ask God why they’re like this. They don’t fall into tears about the most stupid things and act totally numb about the biggest tragedies.

They don’t think about what would happen if they caused physical harm to themselves. But I do. I feel worthless and hopeless and like I'm a waste of space. I spend hours at night just staring at my ceiling wondering why. Why I exist. Who would miss me if I wasn’t there? Who would even notice? Who would care? I wonder if death hurts sometimes. But I wouldn’t kill myself. Suicide doesn’t end the pain, it just passes it on to someone else.

Should I tell someone about this? Probably. But the biggest problem is that I can’t explain it. I can’t explain what’s wrong. I feel scared and sad and tired. All the time. And people ask me why I’m scared or what makes me sad, I can’t say why because I don’t exactly know myself. There’s just this constant feeling following me around and I don’t know why. Then they’ll say something like, “then stop being sad!” or “Don’t be afraid!” But they don’t understand. Fear isn’t a thing you can just…turn off. Especially when you don’t know what it is you’re afraid of. No one understands me because I don’t understand me.

I’m scared. I’m scared because I don’t know what it is. I’m human, okay? I fear the unknown. But I’m even more scared to identify the unknown. Because if I have depression, I’m broken. If I have depression, I fall under the category of “sad” in most people’s radar. When people think of depression, they think sad. They think of crying all night wrapped in blankets and watching youtube on your phone. But that’s only the tip of the very, very, very, very deep iceberg.

You can still feel happy when you’re depressed. It’s just that the feeling doesn’t last. You feel like everything that goes wrong is your fault. And you’re not always sad. If you were sad, at least you’d be feeling something. You just feel…numb. You don’t feel anything and struggle to focus or notice anything unless it’s right in front of your face. Even then, you hardly realize what it is. I wish people would understand this. But no one understands.

When people ask, “Do you wanna talk about it?” The answer is no, I don’t want to talk about it. I want to box up these feelings in a steel chest, lock it with a combo lock, tie it with chains, weld it shut, and throw it into the bottom of the Mariana Trench so I don’t have to think about it ever again. But I know I can’t do that. I’d like to, but I can’t. Because feelings aren’t physical objects. They aren’t something you can just throw away and forget about. They can’t be traded or lost. They can’t be sold for extra cash. The only things you can do is lock them away or share them.

It’s quiet. Terrifyingly quiet. Or it’s loud. Deafeningly loud. There’s no middle ground. Likewise, you either feel utterly alone or like you’re in the constant spotlight with everyone looking at you. You don’t control which one it is, you don’t control how you feel.

When you’re in the backseat of your own mind and you can’t see the driver, it’s one of the scariest things in the world. You’re not in control. You don’t know where you’re going. You think you’re going to crash. Then you don’t. You swerve out of the way and keep going. This happens again and again until you’re tired of it and actually hope you crash so it will end. You’re dizzy from the turns and you feel sick. You want to pull over, take a five minute break from going ten thousand miles an hour. But it doesn’t stop. It keeps going.

The only reason you don’t lose your lunch is because you likely didn’t eat any. For whatever reason, your appetite changes. Either you’re eating too much or not enough.

You lose almost everything that makes you happy.

For me, part of me knows this feeling is totally irrational and there’s no reason I should feel like the sad excuse of a human being that I feel I am. Time and time again, I try to change my mindset, make myself feel like what others praise me for. But it doesn’t work. Part of me wants to just give in to these feelings and reduce myself to a sad blanket-lump.

I try to ignore it. I try to fight it. But the fight never ends.

Do you know what insanity is? The true definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result each time you do so. So I’m insane. I fight those thoughts, each time expecting them to stay down, to let me win. But they keep getting back up. When I get knocked down, I get up, despite knowing it’s going to knock me down again. That’s just further proof of my insanity.

I’m tired. I’m tired of putting on a fake smile. I’m tired of saying I’m fine. I’m tired of lying. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of yelling. I’m tired of being tired.

I’d like to give up, but school is in the way. School doesn’t matter anymore though. Grades? They’re just stress numbers. Numbers that somehow define your entire performance. I used to have good numbers, good reviews of my performance, but I’ve stopped caring. I’m more worried about surviving a school day with dry eyes than quadratic functions. I’m more worried about making sure I don’t break down than moon phases. I’m more worried about just surviving overall than trying to read in a language I’m just going to forget after a few weeks of summer.

One might think: If you’re hurting this badly, why haven’t you told anyone? If you’re hurting so much, why didn’t you ask for help before it got this bad? I didn’t tell anyone because I was afraid of becoming a problem. I was afraid of becoming a burden, dragging you down with me. I was afraid that this might be contagious, so I kept myself shut up so that no one has to suffer like I do.

And that, right there. “Suffer like I do.” That makes me sound like I’m the middle of the universe, doesn’t it? ‘Oh, woe is me! I cannot function because I feel sad!’ I’m afraid people will view me like that if I open up.

But it’s gotten too bad to hide at this point. I’m to the point where I have trouble with finding the urge to get up in the morning. I can’t find the urge to go to school. I can barely find the urge to even just live sometimes. I just want to give up and go back to bed.

-----------

I promise. None of you have to suffer alone in whatever you're going through. People can and will help you, if you let them. I understand that it's hard to ask for help, personal pride can genuinely get in the way of things. But if you want help and are truly looking to improve, you can and you will. I love you dearly, and I hope you're doing well. 💜💜💜 just know that there's always someone who cares. You're loved and cherished, each and every one of you! :]

[kimmykoosh]

Finished all DLC's for New Vegas. Here's what my review of them so far, according to the order I played. Very biased and contained opinions.

Old World Blues (Science fantasy gone wrong).

My first entry to the new world. After failing to make it out from Think Tank for a 987- a couple of tries, I manage to keep myself alive for most of the expedition here. Best DLC in my opinion. New world, so much to discover, new guns, everything is out there to kill you, great. Story wise, I admit, I had to provide extra attention to differentiate the doctors here without confusing things. Most of the science fiction things they often described and the references they gave are all over my head and often made me sleeepy. But I LOVE LOVE LOVE the personified helpers. Sinks, doc, the sexy jukebox and the plant seed thing that helped me too many times in making things. The scientists came to grew on me. I like the suit talking to me because it's lonely being by yourself in an empty world :')))

TLDR; All the science fiction things are snoozefest, but I am still alive after got shot in the head, getting labotomized AND played around with my organs. NPC's are fun and have many personalities. Lots of new weapons, upgrades and big place to make my stimpaks. 10/10 would give Muggy more coffee mugs for his sanity.

Honest Hearts (A much more vertically challenging desert with a view. )

Entered this with half of my things, and a heartache coz I actually reseted 4 times just to save my Caravan crew. And accidentally shot Follows-Chalk because I thought he was a baddie before I realize I'd done goofed up. Story wise, the whole thing was okay. Nothing much I'd care since Salt-Upon-Wounds will kill me regardless if I'm doing pacifist or not. I did enjoy getting high to fight a ghost bear. The map was big enough for me to find everything, but didn't make me care for it much. Joshua Graham is okay, but he didn't like me raiding his stuffs to make bullets that fucker has a bajillions of pistols wtf rude.

TLDR; Forgetable DLC, NPC is one-sided. But the view though. Plentiful mountains, greeneries and high skies. Also lots of fresh water. Sometimes rain. That's new. Weapons are, meh. Useful if you use unarmed or melee. 4/10, would kill more Yao Guai.

Dead Money (Ghost Town Heist With the Gang. )

Started this with a bump on the head (poor Courier holy shit) The only DLC that made me feel challenged because of the constant ducks and sneaking. The Ghost People are creepy and also hard to hit. I cant remember how many times I had to look down and check at my feet or I'll be blown up and get detected. The place is very barren of any places to make stuffs and bullets so you'll learn to adapt with alternate weapons and use any ammo you do have or get, while the Sierra Madre vending machine becoming your next best friend. The NPC's though. The beeping on my neck will haunt me for the rest of my days and I get that casino Obsessed freak to thank for. I'm sad I didnt get too much time with Christine, because she seemed to be a great character towards the end. Dean Domino is a charismatic asshat that gives out very convenient stashes everywhere, but we didn't get to be friends. I did like him though, brilliant mind, just doesn't trust in people. Didn't get to know much about God, coz Dog is too fun and made me feel safe from the people. Story wise, it's very well paced. Though after I opened up the casino, and darted through ALL the ghost people in town by myself, I cant help but noticed I missed something else, but the collar keeps on killing me and I had to go to the next place without checking. Just wished I can check it myself without dying.

TLDR; DLC's challenging, but not that you can't do it. You can do this without killing as much of the Ghost People if you can. Story is rich in juicy details. Betrayal, conflict, and also, plain love. Always love Laura Bailey inside as Vera Keyes. 8/10 for exploding collars.

Lonesome Road (The Sad Tale of the 2 Couriers. )

The only DLC that has a history of the player in past tense, other than being dead, and a mailman. This also introduces our antagonist of the DLC, Ulysses. A very angry ghost who talk through EdE.

Okay, Ulysses is interesting. We got to know about him more throughout the DLC. His history and how he came to here. Interestingly he knew about the factions in New Vegas and everything that is happening there. He is honestly my saving grace in this DLC, but god, his prosses and the way he talks is so BORING. Often I had to relax and do something else for me to understand much about what he is saying. Does that outed me for being an idiot? Maybe? I guess coming from the Legion, he has a style of talking that is unique.

As for the rest of the playthrough, the DLC provides a different thing in going through the whole map. We get to use the laser blaster to blast through and open up certain sections of the blocked roads. Other than some extra weapons, the map and gameplay was decent. I certainly didnt expect to see the Deathclaws coming in here.

TLDR; A very good connection towards Ulysses, a fellow courier that saw our work, and then blamed us for nuking the entire map. Among all of the DLC's I enjoyed this one for the courier per courier connection. I dont really enjoy the Deathclaws and the long and frivolous way to get to Ulysses' hideout. 4/10 for more couriers sending bombs towards the Mojave wastelands, to combat Ulysses' boring speech.

[myersmaniac]

~we love you.~

TW⚠️: drugs, overdose, substance abuse; mentions of Chrissy’s death. This fic mentions very serious topics. You have been warned!

Pairings: Eddie x Henderson! reader, Steve x Henderson! reader, billy x Henderson!reader, Nancy wheeler x henderson! Reader, robin Buckley x henderson! Reader

All pairings in this are semi platonic!

—————

Dustin loved you, you were his one and only sister. Someone who he looked up to, counted on to be there, his built in best friend from birth. He didn’t know exactly what was going on, why you sometimes acted different but what he did know is that something was not right.

“ Steve, Steve are you there? Get over here now i repeat get over here now! Over.” Dustin spoke over the walkie talkie, desperately needing someone’s help, he didn’t know how to handle you like this, it scared him. “ what is it nimrod, I’m at work?” Steve replied not knowing the Situation. “ you’re supposed to say over. It’s my sister, she’s acting funny, throwing up, won’t talk straight, making noises. She doesn’t look right either just.. come over please. Over.” Steve immediately jumped over the counter. “ I’m on my way.” He said.

It didn’t take him very long to get to your house, he knew he needed to get to you as fast as possible. He’d do anything to save you. “ where is she” were the first words that Steve spoke as he barged through the door. “ bathroom” Dustin replied. You could see the fear on Dustin’s face, he was confused, worried and sad among so many other mixed feelings.

Steve opened the bathroom door and there you were hunched over the toilet, looking completely drained. Your eyes were heavy and your heart was racing. “ hey hey look at me, what’s going on?” Steve asked, he had no idea what to do honestly, he didn’t even completely realize what was going on himself but he knew it was something bad.

You just looked up to him with a sappy smile looking like you hadn’t slept in days. Steve lightly tapped your face after you didn’t respond “ come on baby; what’s happening?” He said. You felt like you were flying and he was watching you fall. “ nothings wrong Stevie ” you barley let out your words, dragging each syllable out. “Don’t lie to me, come on I’m not angry baby I’m worried talk to me.” After Steve said that you reached your hand down to the floor knocking something over it made a small crashing sound. Steve looked down to see what it was, a small orange pill bottle almost completely empty. He picked it up, scanning your face for answers then realizing he hadn’t yet asked the question. Steve let out a sigh, “ where’d you get this?” He asked. “ was it Munson? Did he fucking give this to you?” You still just didn’t respond, Eddie would never give you anything to harm you, you meant to much to him and everyone else.

The truth was you’d gotten these yourself, after your best friend Chrissy died you just haven’t been right. You didn’t mean to get this bad but her death truly broke you. You went to the doctor and started attending counseling, you were prescribed some medication but it seems the little dose they gave you just wasn’t enough to take the pain away so you started taking a little more and here you were.

Neither you or Steve had realized that Dustin was standing at the door crying, Steve couldn’t distract him or calm him down right now, he was trying to get answers. He looked over his shoulder “ get billy, Nancy and robin. That’s who she’ll wanna be around right now. Don’t put them in a panic just tell them that your sister needs them. Don’t mention me, billy won’t show if you do.” Steve quickly said. “ she’ll want Eddie too.” Dustin responded through sobs and sniffles. “ yeah I’d like to have a little conversation with him myself too. Go ahead get them here.” Steve looked more angry then Dustin had ever seen him. He couldn’t 100% blame this on Eddie because he didn’t know if he was stupid enough to do something like this; but he needed someone to blame to calm his conscience for now.

Dustin spoke over the walkie talkie “ max, come in do you Copy, this is Dustin over.” “ yes I copy Dustin what is it?” Max answered. “ tell billy my sister needs him as soon as possible, just get him to come.” Dustin said. “ will do.” Max said rolling her eyes, she couldn’t stand billy but she adored you so if that’s what you needed.

Dustin moved on to getting in touch with the rest. “ robin it’s Dustin; no time for the bullshit walkie talkie talk get over here my sister needs you and while your at it get Nancy and Eddie here too, quickly!” Robin already knew something was going on because she heard when Steve left. Thankfully her shift just ended, she got in touch with Eddie and Nancy then headed over.

“I need you to listen to me okay? I have a lot of people who care about you that are on their way. I need you to tell me where these came from” Steve said lightly shaking the pill bottle. You weren’t thinking straight at all right now, If you were then you’d give him a direct true answer. “ mmm Stevie I have no clue” is sadly what you responded and followed with a laugh. Steve felt hopeless.

There was a knock at the door it was Billy. “ where’s your sister?” He asked dustin with a smile before seeing the tears on his face. “ hurry, in the bathroom” dustin told him. Billy knew then that something was wrong so he rushed to the bathroom, firstly seeing steve. “ what the fuck did you do to her Harrington.” Billy’s first instinct was anger when he saw you laying out looking the way you did and Steve the only person there. “ I’ll fucking kill you.” Billy said stepping closer. “ calm down it wasn’t me; Dustin found her in here like this and called me. I told him to get you, Nancy, robin and Eddie over here. I think she overdosed.” Billy didn’t know what to say, he sat on the floor with you. “ what do you mean you think she overdosed?” Billy asked, Steve handed billy the bottle of pills. He took a minute to inspect it and then asked “ where’d she get these?” Steve shrugged “ I wish I knew.” Billy looked down at you then lifted you into his lap. “ I’m here, don’t worry. I got to ask you something okay?” You looked up at him and put your hand on his face. Your eyes blinked as if to say okay but your mouth never spoke a word. “ where’d you get these at pretty girl?” Finally you gave a tiny bit of information. “I missed Chrissy.” You said with tears rolling out your eyes. Steve and Billy both looked at each other putting the puzzle pieces together.

Outside of the bathroom there was another knock at the door. Eddie, Nancy and Robin came in frantically. “ she’s in the bathroom” Dustin told them, “can one of you stay with me. I’m scared.” Dustin asked. They all knew something was wrong, they gave each other all a look and Nancy sat with Dustin to comfort him.

Robin and Eddie went in the bathroom. “ she fucking overdosed.” Billy went ahead and got that out the way a little aggressively. Robin and Eddie rushed by your side. Steve looked over to Eddie and anger flooded through his body. He knew you were taking this because you missed Chrissy but did Eddie give you these? “ did you fucking do this Munson?” He asked. “ woah what the fuck. Why would you say that?” Eddie defensively asked. “ MAYBE IF YOU WERE AROUND HER ENOUGH YOU’D KNOW THESE ARE HER FUCKING PRESCRIPTION.” Eddie began to yell. “ NOW IS NOT THE TIME, BOTH OF YOU” billy said. Robin reached out for your hand “ you okay?” Is all she could choke out. You shook your head up and down. You were starting to feel a little better. By this point everyone was crying.

Eddie reached down and stroked your face and you reached up and played with his curls. “ I love you, you know that right ? We all do.” You gave him a soft smile just like you did with Steve earlier and nodded. “ let’s move her from the bathroom” robin spoke up. Billy began to lift you into the hallway and everyone else followed behind the both of you. When Dustin and Nancy saw you they both stood up to go be by your side. “ is she gonna be alright?” Your little brother asked. Eddie replied to him “ I hope so.”

They all followed you into the room and laid you down. You very quickly fell to sleep but they all stayed right by your side to make sure you were going to be okay. Nancy got up to get you a glass of water for when you woke up, Eddie rubbed your back the whole time, Steve covered you up, Billy cleaned all the spit, puke and tears off your face and Robin and Dustin searched around your room for any more pills that they would need to put away in the locked cabinet or throw away all together.

A few hours later you finally woke up, Steve rushed to your side “ easy, easy, you feeling any better?” He asked. “ mmhm” you said as you sipped on the water that Nancy had brought in earlier. “ do you remember anything?” Nancy asked you. “ I should’ve told you guys earlier I’m so sorry, after I lost Chrissy I just wasn’t feeling myself so I went to counseling and they put me on medication to help but that wasn’t working either so I figured I just wasn’t taking enough. I never meant for this to happen it just did.” You said to everyone in the room. “ we all love you and care about you, we’re here for you.” Eddie said putting his hand on your leg. “ pretty girl, look around the room. Not all of us get along but we came together for you.” Billy said. “ and you have an amazing little brother who got you help when he knew you needed it.” Nancy said. “ I know, thank you but I never wanted you guys to see me like this, especially not you dusty, I’m sorry.” You said pulling your little brother into a hug. “ don’t apologize, I just want you to be safe I was worried.” Dustin said. “ I love you so much” you told him through tears. “ I love you so much more.” He said pulling out of your grip.

“It won’t ever happen again. It really shouldn’t have happened this time but I promise it won’t happen again.” You said not directed towards anyone specific. “ we trust you but just for a little while we’re gonna rotate days and nights to have someone here with you just in case” robin said to you. You began to respond “ you really don’t have-” “ but we want to” billy cut you off. “ exactly, we need you here and we know that you need us.” Nancy said to you. Everyone came in for a much needed group hug after that, even the ones who you knew hated hugs and that meant a lot to you. Steve spoke up after the group hug “ Nancy and Dustin probably were the most worried, they weren’t even in the bathroom.” “ well Dustin told me everything he heard from you before everyone else came and how she’d been acting so we pieced two and two together.” Nancy responded. “ but yes we were really worried; don’t scare us like that again.” Nancy hit your arm playfully.

[blueberrypancakesworld]

The arrival - Chapter 1

warning : comfort , tiny angst , little emotional , fluff , making friends

next chapter , masterlist

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Earth, a planet which in the drawings, the old books, the old documents was once a beautiful blue planet. For millions of years it was, until the people exaggerated it. Now it was nothing but a dying planet that could not heal itself. Not if humans continued to live on it.

It was a sadness to see all this, a sadness she only saw in part. ,,Miss, is this going to be on the test?" she heard the question of one of her students as she moved away from the blackboard. ,,Yes, it will be, I want you all to look at the plants on page one hundred and two by the day after tomorrow. The phenotypic and genotypic structure will be covered," she explained, smiling as she heard the sighs and laughter of some.

She let her gaze wander, saw the colors passing through her vision, the light from above coming from the lamps, the little light from outside.

She had her own vision. ,,So please-," she began, but stopped when the door to her room opened. Who is that? she asked herself, not recognizing the footsteps.

They were not the happy ones of the teenagers, or the bouncing ones of the children. But neither were they the determined ones of the other teachers. They were heavier, more disciplined. ,,How can I help the military?" she asked, looking at them questioningly.

Her reluctance was subliminal in her question. She did not see it and yet her students seemed to giggle. ,,Please, students, go take a break," she said and waited until all the students had withdrawn. ,,Sorry to disturb you, Miss Wilder, could we have a few minutes?" asked a man walking towards her. Leaning against her table, she sighed.

,,Why? If you've already sought me out, you should know my dislike for you," she said snappishly, folding her arms in front of her chest. ,,We are not here because of our dislikes. We are here to make you an offer," he said, and she heard his dislike as well.

Shaking her head slightly, she reached for her bag before taking her folded cane and walking past the two. ,,No interest and stay away from me," she warned and had already put her hand on the handle when his voice went through the quiet classroom, ,,Not even if we give you a trip to Pandora and funded research as well as the opportunity to see again". She stopped.

Her hand hung over the corner of the clinic, slowly realizing what he meant. Despite all the technology on Earth, nothing was free. And getting her vision back was something she could not afford. One thing she had to accept. The possibilities that opened up.

The possible journey to the planet she had been admiring, learning about, writing her thesis about since she was a student. The planet she emptied at school in the hope that the younger ones would try to save what could be saved. The plants and animals, the miracles she heard. A paid research, with like-minded people.

The possibility of seeing again, the possibility of seeing Pandora and not the broken earth. ,,What do you want from me?" she asked and turned to the two. She didn't know if they were smiling or not.

It was all the same and yet she hated herself for her weakness. ,,They are involved in our research. You have all the resources you need on Pandora, in return you just give us some data about nature" he said almost too easily.

A simple offer, but an offer that hurt. Am I cheating myself? she asked herself, not knowing if she was. ,,You would join Doctor Augustine's research, a project with the inhabitants of the planet," he added, and even if she didn't see him, she knew he could already guess her decision. ,,Doctor Augustine...how long has she been there?" she asked another question, hoping to avert her decision.

Not to give people the satisfaction of needing her. ,,It's been a while, but it's clear that we don't want to do without you. Your studies of plants are important, despite the fact that you have never been to Pandora, and your results are a source of research, teaching and study," he said.

She shook her head again, knowing that if she did, her life would probably change. But did she want to? Of course, and yet she left her students alone. They will understand, she thought to herself, thinking about her lessons, the happy stories, the films and the lectures.

They would manage without her. ,,You don't have to read my life to me...when do we start?" she said, avoiding their gaze. Even if she did not see them, she knew that they were smiling.

Maybe she was cheating herself by working for the men she hated, the men who mined and threatened Pandora. And yet the prospect of finally going to Pandora, feeling nature, studying it, watching it.

To get her sight back. A chance to see Pandora. ,,Tomorrow morning I'll be glad to have her with me," she heard him say before he held out his hand to her. ,,I'll be at the dock," she said dismissively before walking out, leaving them both behind. Her heart was beating too fast for her own good.

The excitement flowing through her was indescribable. I'm going to see Pandora, it went through her mind and she couldn't help but smile happily.

Walking down the hallway, she was about to disappear into the teachers' lounge when she heard the quick footsteps of her students. ,,What did they want from you?" asked James, a young boy standing excitedly with the others in front of them.

Her smile faded a little. ,,I'm going to Pandora," she said and was about to start explaining when she was almost knocked over by her students. The children hugged her warmly and she could hear the sounds of joy.

She was moved by the children's congratulations and cheers. ,,You are happy for me?" she asked, slightly surprised, and stood upright without being knocked down again. ,,Of course, you have told us so many times about Pandora", ,,You must send us photos and videos",,Yes, by all means, we want to see something too" came the explanations and she couldn't help but get a few tears of joy. ,,I will definitely do it, I promise" she said and promised to send a photo to each of them.

It touched her immensely that her students were so supportive. I have achieved something she thought hopefully and was grateful for the support of her students. But not only her students, but also the other teachers and her mother were happy for her.

Her mother even baked her a cake and they both celebrated a little together. But the later it got the more nervous she became and the doubts came. ,,What if I'm useless?" she revealed one of her worries to her mother as they sat at the table and ate dinner together.

Her mother's loving gaze did not reach her, but she felt her mother's hand on her. ,,My darling, you are not useless. You are an expert, my wonderful expert. You are the best researcher I know and that Doctor Augustine is lucky to have you," her mother cheered her up before she stood up and pulled her into a hug.

,,Remember, sweetheart, you don't have a weakness, you have a gift," she heard her mother say lovingly and felt the kiss on her head. ,,Thanks mom" she said and gave her a hug before they cleaned up and washed up together. ,,A gift," she thought, smiling slightly sadly. Blind.

She had been blind since her teenage years. She knew colors, how her environment looked, how most things looked. She saw things on her own things. The colors she saw replaced her vision and the images in her head were her own imagination. But Pandora.

Would be a completely different world in the true sense of the word. ,,I'm going to bed, have a good night" she heard her mother say through the small apartment. ,,All right, good night mom," she replied and waited until she heard the door close.

A sigh came over her lips as she moved towards the small shelf. ,,Hey Dad" she said and stroked the photo that was there. ,,I won't be around for a while...I'm on Pandora you know. They need me for their research. I don't know if I'll be back to be honest. Take care of mom until I get back" she told him everything and for a moment she hoped he heard her.

He just had to hear her. She stroked the picture one last time before disappearing into her own room. Undressing and slipping into her pajamas she lay down. The blanket was warm and seemed to wrap around her like a protective embrace. ,,It will be all right," she murmured before lying down on her side and closing her eyes.

But her night was not dark, it was full of dreams, dreams with colors, strange beings, stories. It was the time when she saw again, felt the world, it was her favorite time.

As if she could switch off from everything and finally see the real wonders again. The colors in her dreams changed to colorful plants, shining trees, many different animals like she had never seen before.

The forest around her seemed endless and yet was not threatening. The forest seemed to welcome her, to watch her. ,,Come to me, my child," she heard a voice she had never heard before. Her footsteps were cautious as she walked forward, the colors seemed to never stop, always reshaping themselves. It was unbelievable.

Suddenly, something like a giant tree appeared in front of her, but it seemed to be in motion. Its branches moved up and down as if it were really alive. She wanted to move forward, it seemed as if the voice would come from there.

Before she heard a screech in the sky. Looking up in confusion, she saw that the colors were broken by bright light and an eagle was circling in the sky. But before she could observe it further, the animal swooped down straight toward her. And with the stretching of his claws he collided with her.

Opening her eyes, she found herself back in reality. Her heart beat fast, her vision calmed down and was replaced by darker colors. Not as beautifully luminous as those in her dream. ,,What was that?" she murmured questioningly and ran her hand over her face.

But her eyes were still there. The eagle had not scratched them out. How could he? It wouldn't change her vision.

Sighing, she took the blanket off herself, got up and went into the bathroom to get ready. The cold water of the shower was pleasant on her warm heated skin. It not only cooled but also seemed to take away the pain. Since her blindness, her eyes sometimes hurt, but only after dreaming.

It seemed as if her dream vision was straining her nerves too much and resisting it. It will be alright she thought as she tied the towel around herself and went back to her room to pack her things. ,,Y/n honey coffee?" she heard her mother ask at the entrance of her door before the click of the light switch sounded. ,,Coffee, and you know I don't need it," she replied, shaking her head at the lack of light from the lamp. She knew her room inside out.

Only the light made the colors seem a bit brighter which hardly changed anything. ,,I know but you like the bright things" her mother said lovingly before she started to make the coffee. Continuing to pack her things, she came out of the room dressed in her clothes a short time later.

The smell of the fresh coffee rose in her nose and she went into the kitchen. ,,Thank you" she said before taking the cup from her mother and leaning against the kitchen table. ,,How are you?" the older woman asked and took a sip of her drink as well. ,,Excited, I mean, this is the planet I always wanted to go to. It's what I studied for, but it's also scary...Pandora is dangerous," she admitted, feeling her mother's hand on her shoulder.

,,Earth is also dangerous and you have adapted. The school, the streets, our apartment. You know your way around better than anyone else. Your colors show you the way," she said, knowing how her daughter was adapting.

She learned her surroundings and remembered people. ,,I will always be with you...your father too" she reminded and the younger one heard the jingling of something metal. ,,Here, this belonged to your father," said the older one, putting the dog tag chain in her daughter's hand. ,,I can't accept this," she protested, wanting to give it back, but her mother shook her head. Instead, she put a hand on her daughter's cheek.

Tears had gathered in her mother's eyes even if she did not see them. ,, I and your father are so proud of you. Keep this close to you so we can be with you," she heard her mother's brittle voice before they hugged. ,,I promise I will," she heard back, just as touched, and she already missed the security she felt. After they both talked a little more they decided it was time. She could not be too late.

The cab they had ordered drove them to the drop-off point. It was an environment in which she was only rarely. Too many people, too loud and too confusing.

Because of the many boxes, containers and machines that were moving, she could not get a clear picture. ,,I love you and I'll take care of you," her mother said as they stood in front of the cab. The bag with her things hung over her shoulder.

The chain around her neck jingled lightly as she wrapped her mother in a final hug. ,,I will, as soon as I get there, I'll send you photos and videos, I promise," she replied, wrapping her mother in a final hug. She detached herself and unfolded her blind cane before heading for the transport vehicle.

She tried to get a picture of it, to figure it out. She dodged a machine coming toward her. She went around a crate and kept going, but at the latest when she heard a ,,Watch out!" she knew that she had almost run into something. ,,Sorry" she apologized and waited for an answer, but it didn't come.

Astonished, she turned around to find the noise. Rollers? she asked herself and tried to listen more carefully. ,,Hey, do you need help?" asked a friendly male voice. She was not quite clear as if he was below her. She looked down and carefully moved her cane forward. A wheelchair she recognized and decided to go the friendly way.

She held out her hand to him, which was accepted after a short hesitation. ,,Hi, I'm Y/n Wilder Biologist, I'm supposed to be on this transporter, you too?" she asked, smiling slightly at him.

He seemed slightly surprised by her question and cleared his throat. ,,Ehm I am Jake Sully was taken here because of my brother as a soldier as I see we are already two side groups" he tried to ease the mood a little. ,,Side groups?" she echoed and started to move again but heard him next to her.

,,Well, me in a wheelchair, you blind, that's a good team for application photos and the press," he joked, and she understood what he meant. ,,Then we are probably the cool special cases" she joked and they both smiled a little.

Together they got in and even though she didn't want to, she stuck with Jake. Better to have some eyes she thought to herself before they both stopped and waited for someone.

Since they both didn't know where exactly they were going. ,,Ah Miss Wilder how nice to see you here I see you already made friends.Sully your brother is waiting for you back there. For you, Miss, just go down the hall, I'll walk with you a bit" she heard the same voice of the man as yesterday.

His footsteps hadn't changed either, at least she could still make that out among all the noise. ,,Well then, Jake, I hope to see you again," she said and shook his hand in conclusion. ,,We have to fulfill the quotas," he called after her and she smiled. ,,What kind of quotas?" the soldier asked, but she waved him off. ,,You wouldn't understand a joke, so where is my capsule?" she asked and walked next to the man.

She knew that she could only reach Pandora in cyrosleep, but still. ,,Maybe I'm dreaming again" she thought when she arrived at the capsule. ,,Here's your stuff, you can give it to me, I'll stow it," he said and she suspected a slight smile on his face. ,,Thank you," she said curtly before putting her hand on the capsule.

It was cool, no wonder the metal and the special compunents were made for sleeping in space. ,,Miss would you please get ready" she heard a strange voice.

But a certain smell of disinfectant was in the air. A doctor or a nurse, she thought. ,,Sure," she said curtly and began with the preparations. Minutes later she was ready in the capsule, waiting to fall asleep and wake up on Pandora. She took a deep breath and surprisingly the capsule was comfortable.

It was quiet and the sounds of the crew's machines were barely audible. ,,Two more minutes," she heard the doctor say and tried to relax further. Her hand closed around the chain.

The metal was cool and yet reassuring. For a moment, she imagined her father. How he hugged her and saw her off with her mother. A beautiful thought.

Until it suddenly became cold. Colder than anything she had ever felt. I'm freezing alive, she thought, and even though the feeling was strange, she wasn't afraid. She would never see the end, only the surge of colors would show her the end. Taking a last breath she felt herself getting more and more tired.

Before she fell asleep surrounded not by darkness but by the same bright colors that greeted her. How long had she been lying there? How long had she been sleeping? Decades, days, minutes she did not know. But it didn't matter because she had her colors.

The colors of her dreams, the same forest. The same landscape was beautiful. She wandered through the forest, looked at the plants, saw the animals that passed her by.

Saw the bright blue sky, the clouds. ,,Pandora" came softly over her lips and she ran over a bright plant before it suddenly retracted and hid its blossom. She smiled and began to touch the other flowers and they all retracted.

She had touched the last one when a breeze passed through the forest. Blossoms and leaves were stirred up and danced around her. ,,My child, come here," she heard that voice again and looked around.

The giant tree had reappeared and was moving its branches. She walked towards it and tried to reach it. But no matter how fast she ran, the tree kept disappearing. It remained unreachable.

She suddenly heard another screech. Her gaze went to the sky where she saw the eagle again. Knowing what would happen, she hid under the large leaves of a plant.

But the eagle did not come, she heard neither the screeching nor the fluttering of its wings. She winced as she suddenly heard a crackling sound coming from behind her in the forest. Not daring to turn around, she tried to remain calm.

If she didn't move, whatever it was might stay away. Suddenly she felt a hand on her shoulder, whirling around to ward off something if possible, but she only met darkness.

Darkness that tore the ground from under her feet and made her fall. Before she suddenly opened her eyes and woke up. ,,Good morning sunshine" she heard the doctor's muffled voice before she ran her hands over her face.

Slowly the sharpness returned to her vision and the colors became clearer. I'm floating, she suddenly realized, lightly waving her arms. ,,Yup you are, well we all are to be exact" he said and she felt him pull her out of the capsule. She again rowed around a bit and felt helpless. Moving around in the spaceship with gravity was one thing.

However, without proper support it was quite another. ,,Don't worry, it won't take long to get your things and your cane, just try to navigate a little" he said carefully before she got the things in her hand. ,,All right, I can do that" she tried to encourage herself and pulled the bag over her shoulders before unfolding her staff and trying to float along something.

Despite her uncertainty, the feeling of weightlessness was a fun thing. She didn't know exactly where she was floating.

A few people avoided her, but once she caught someone with her staff. ,,So we meet again," she suddenly heard Sully's voice, who seemed to be floating around. ,,How nice that you made it. Do you know how long this will take?" she asked and continued to hold on to the metal.

,,I don't know, but I think we're about to be passed on," he said and she thought she could hear a certain sadness in his voice. ,,Is there a window around here if so could you describe Pandora to me?" she asked after a few moments of silence.

Jake seemed to look around for a moment. ,,Yeah, wait, come with me," he said, taking her by the arm and they both floated through the ship. ,,Here" he said and put his and her hand on the cold window. ,,It looks like the Earth, only less broken, more like the Earth in its prime," he described and she nodded. ,,A beautiful image," she murmured, but got no response from Jake.

The two stayed together, talking for a while. She learned about his brother's death, offered to come and they talked about their relationship.

Jake had truly become a good friend despite the fact that she had known him for so little time. She already called him that and the soldier seemed happy to have someone.

Before the two of them went to the shuttles where they sat down next to each other. Her ears were ringing from the engines, the talk of the soldiers and the commanding troop leader who was giving her an earache.

It took a few minutes for the shuttle to break through the atmosphere and begin its approach to Pandora. There were no windows in the room where they saw, which is why their colors were faded and dark. Having the mask on her face was strange.

A new feeling not necessarily oppressive but rather unfamiliar and yet she would also get used to it. ,,All right ladies I want you all to go out now and remember without the mask the planet will kill you if I don't" he shouted and the soldiers stood up.

She too unfolded her staff and waited for Jake to get into his chair. ,,Well, let's go," he said, and she nodded in agreement before they both walked down the ramp and set foot on Pandora's stone floor for the first time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Taglist : @mooniequeen , @drinking-tea-and-be-obsessed

[panda-writes-kpop]

Ghost! Gahyeon - Haunting Me, Haunting You

A/N: Hi guys, girls, and non-binary pearls! This is part one of my Halloween celebration, and I hope you enjoy it! It was supposed to be complete fluff, but I may have accidentally went too far hehe 😉 I guess that I learn from the best, huh?

TW: Heavy themes of death and murder, jokes about death, fluffy until you get to the end, horror themes(?)

Part One ✨️ Masterlist

You suddenly woke up, and the sharp pain in your skull is enough to make you want to hurl.

What did I drink last night? I’ve never felt like this before… Damn, I must’ve been drinking some hard liquor.

You gag as you try to throw up whatever is making you feel so miserable, but to your surprise, no vomit comes out of your mouth.

What is going on? Usually, I can’t hold my drinks at all… Have I developed some sort of mysterious tolerance to alcohol?

You rise from your sleeping position, and you’re mostly calm until you notice that you’re on the floor.

What am I doing, sleeping on a wood floor? Why would I do something like that? I must’ve really been drunk last night.

You squint as the morning sunlight drifts in from an open window. You sigh before getting up to shut the window.

God, was I really so lazy that I could close the window? Yesterday must’ve been a really rough day for me.

You go to grab the curtain for the window, but you are immediately concerned when your hand goes directly through the material of the curtain.

Okay, I must still be drunk or something because that should not happen!

You attempt to close the curtain with your other hand, but the same thing happens. You sigh deeply before looking down at your hands, and you’re more horrified to find that your hands are now semi-see-through.

I need to see a doctor, or go to the emergency room. I must’ve been slipped something in a drink because this is not normal at all. Let me go check myself out in my mirror.

You turn around, only to make another bad discovery.

Wait a damn minute… this isn’t my room, nor is this my house!

A layer of dust coats the bedroom, except for a few stray footprints. You notice that a suspiciously shaped blanket sits on the bed, and there is most definitely something under the blanket. Your senses aren’t able to detect anything from this far, but given your current track record, you’re not in the mood to learn anything else about where you are or what’s going on.

I just need to find my phone, or at least, someone else.

Your prayers are answered when someone walks through the closed bedroom door.

“Gahyeon!?!” You excitedly say as Gahyeon gasps in surprise.

“Y/N, you’re here!” She says before she immediately starts sobbing. “I-I’m s-so sorry, I co-couldn’t save yo-you.”

Save me? What is she on about? It must be one of her pranks or something like it.

“Gahyeon, what are you talking about?” You walk over to her, and in a lapse in memory, you wrap your arms around her.

To your utmost surprise, you can feel her in your arms as she tightly grips you in response.

I- I can’t be dead, can I? What happened to me?

“Oh, Y/N-ah, you shouldn’t have died! It’s all my fault!” Gahyeon wails before burying her head in your chest.

You cough in order to hide how flustered you are.

“I don’t remember, Gahyeon. What happened?”

Gahyeon pulls away from your chest with tears in her eyes.

“They killed you, in cold blood.” Her tone turns from sad to serious in mere seconds.

“Who are you talking about?”

“Your best friend, Y/N! They pounded your skull in with a croquet mallet until you stopped moving! I had to watch because I couldn’t do anything… screw being dead! This sucks, as you’ll soon realize.”

She angrily exhales before crossing her arms. You chuckle to yourself, and she yelps in surprise.

“You think I’m joking at a time like this?”

“Let’s admit it… you’re kind of cute when you’re angry.”

Gahyeon blushes deeply before laughing at herself.

“I was told that a lot when I was a little girl, actually.”

You place your hands on Gahyeon’s waist before letting a small smile appear on your face.

“We can be together now, until the end of time. I guess this didn’t turn out too bad, huh?”

Gahyeon is dumbfounded by your sudden optimism.

“But… Y/N, don’t you miss living?”

“What is there to miss? Besides, I would’ve died at some point in the future.” You shrug before softly kissing the top of Gahyeon’s head. “I’ve always wanted to do that.”

“Speaking of things that we’ve always wanted to do…” Gahyeon eyes your lips, and you laugh before indulging her in a sweet kiss.

“Was that as good as you imagined it?” You say after you break away from her for air.

“No, Y/N,” She shakes her head with a teasing smile on her face, “it was even better.”

Gahyeon suddenly grabs your hand, and she drags you out of the bedroom.

“Wait, where are you going?”

“Someone’s got to show you how being dead works, and luckily for you, you’ve got an excellent guide with you!” She turns back to wink at you before continuing to drag you around the house that you were both murdered in, but only a few decades from each other.

~

It doesn’t hit Gahyeon that your best friend is the exact same person with the same name until she has to watch them murder you in cold blood. Only then does she recognize that sickening grin - the same one that was present on their face when they murdered her.

The problem is that your best friend should be well into old age, but they have not aged a day since Gahyeon was last alive.

Externally, Gahyeon is grieving you as they finally decide to stop swinging when your body is beyond recognition. They drag you onto the bed, and they throw a mere blanket over your body before leaving to clean up their mess.

The murder weapon is different, Gahyeon notices. She was given a mixture of cleaning supplies that was disguised as a hangover cure. Gahyeon was so hungover that she didn’t notice what she was drinking until it was already too late. A night at her best friend’s house ended in murder, and the worst part was that no one suspected them at all. Your best friend got away with murder because everyone thought Gahyeon was a drunk mess who accidentally ended her own life.

There was something different about them, but Gahyeon thought it had something to do with their endless charms. They weren’t human - that was the conclusion. Gahyeon swore at the house a few times before trying to piece her life back together.

If you had never come over and met Gahyeon, maybe this wouldn’t have happened. Screw the rules of having to stay in the place of your murder until someone living figured out what happened to you. Being a ghost sucked, until she met you.

It didn’t matter, anyways, since the both of you were dead and no one would ever figure it out.

~

Every second we fall to the fire below

It’s so beautiful

The hell that we both made for each other

(But it’s all love and war)

Louder we roar

(Crying for more)

I know it’s wrong, but baby just-