#and they deleted my comment replying to some idiot who believed it saying it’s fake

[sleepysnk]

hey y'all! i decided to make a fic for our lovely Jean boy. i got this idea after Sunday's episode :(, he deserves so much love right now. this is the longest fic i've written, so i hope you all enjoy! ♡

Close the Gap

Pairings: Jean Kirstein x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 6.8k

Warnings: None just fluff

Long distances relationships were always something many people tended to avoid. 

The idea of a long distance relationship made (Y/N) feel queasy, her stomach would always churn at the idea of dating somebody who was miles away from her. She heard the many scary stories from her friends about these people not being who they said they were, or the horror stories of girls going missing after meeting with these people. 

Not to mention she always binged watched MTV'S Catfish the TV Show at 3 A.M. watching how people would get catfished. The show was another reason why she tended to avoid dating anyone who was pretty far away. Her worst fear was to find that the person she trusted wasn't who they said they were. 

That all changed seven months ago when she met him. 

More specifically, Jean Kirstein.

(Y/N) was feeling pretty lonely, she was desperate for a relationship at the time and her best friend Sasha told her about some dating apps she could use. She wasn't exactly down to set her up with one of her friends. (Y/N) took the offer on the dating app and set up a profile. 

She met a few decent guys, but they always ended up sending the usual "send me some pics" or "u down to hook up?" texts. Most of the guys on the apps were idiots who were looking just for a quick fuck or something short term, which isn't something (Y/N) wanted. 

She complained to Sasha about it and even considered just deleting the apps, but she told her to just give it one more shot. 

She was glad she did. 

(Y/N) was swiping through the different guys on the app. Some caught her eye or some made her face scrunch with disgust. 

Her swiping stopped when her eyes landed on him. She was instantly attracted to him, his sharp jawline, shaggy light brown hair which was a bit long, his golden brown eyes, toned chest and that goddamn smile. He had a sly smile that made her feel butterflies. 

After she looked at his profile she was hooked. He seemed like a really sweet guy based on his description. He knew how to cook, draw, he played sports, worked out, etc. He also seemed really sweet as well. 

She was tempted to text him first, but she decided not to. The few times she did message a guy first it ended with the guy being dry, or sending some gross messages complimenting her body rather than her face. 

She totally forgot that day that she added him until she got the notification. 

Jean: hey! i saw your profile and let me just say you are gorgeous ❤

From that day forward the two talked every night, they spent many nights texting until they both felt tired, exchanging social media as well. She learned a lot about him, Jean was a fitness major at his university and he wanted to be a personal trainer. They connected on a lot of things, they had a lot of the same likes and dislikes which made the conversations they had even greater. 

She told Jean about the many shitty experiences she had with guys and how she was very hesitant to even give him a chance. Jean shared a lot of the same stories, he had gotten cheated on about a year prior before getting the app. (Y/N) felt bad for him, why cheat on a nice guy like Jean?

Facetiming him was definitely one of her favorite things to do, she told him about how freaked out she was about trying online dating due to how easy it was to fake an online personality. Jean assured her that was not the case and he wasn't a fake person at all. 

Seeing his face on facetime made her heart swell, he was 10x more attractive on facetime than his photos. He had this amazing smile that made her feel weak, and whenever he laughed she found herself having butterflies. Jean thought the same about (Y/N), he thought she was absolutely gorgeous and he wanted to see her face a lot more. 

He always threw a flirt her way whenever he could, Jean was smooth like that. He told her if she was ever unsure of an outfit that she was to send him a picture, and when she did, he was absolutely speechless. Sending the usual heart eyes and telling her how beautiful she was. His words always made her smile. 

While things were perfect for them, there was one small issue. 

They both lived very far from each other. 

Opposite coasts to be exact. 

Jean lived on the East coast while (Y/N) lived on the west. They lived miles away from each other, and although it wasn't a huge bother, it always made her feel lonely. 

Jean felt the same way, he felt lonely being so far away from her. Parts of him wished he lived closer so he could just drive and see her, but with how far it is, he knew it would probably be a very long drive and he just didn't have the time for that. Nor did (Y/N).

They spent many nights talking about dates they'd go on, things they'd do, etc. Jean told her how he would so make a meal for her and he'd take her to meet his mom. All those things sounded so nice, she wanted it to happen so bad.

But they just lived too far from one another.

Plus they both had very busy schedules, both were too caught up with assignments and their own personal lives that flying out wouldn't be exactly a good idea. 

It was unfortunate, but that was the reality of the situation. 

Even with all of that, they still held onto one another. For some reason, Jean didn't want to let her slip by. For the first time, she made him genuinely happy. (Y/N) felt the same way towards Jean, she always found herself being excited to see his name pop up in her phone or when he asked to facetime. There was just something about this boy she didn't want to let go of. He was the only guy who saw her for who she was, and not just her body. 

Neither of them wanted to let this opportunity slip by.

-

Here they were, seven months later. They still kept up with each other every day, though having not met yet, the feelings they both had never changed. 

They weren't dating, but they only talked to each other. Neither had wandering eyes. 

It was a usual night for the two of them, (Y/N) and Jean were on facetime while she did homework and Jean sat playing video games. She didn't mind the gaming, it was something he liked to do so why dislike it?

She was copying notes when her eyes averted upwards towards her phone screen which was propped up. Jean was shirtless sitting in his chair, he had his headset on his head with one of the earmuffs behind his ear. He was focused on the game, his brows pinching together a few times as he played. 

A giggle escaped her lips, making Jean look down at his phone with a smile. 

"What are you giggling about?" he asked, bringing his face close to the camera. 

She smiled. "Oh nothin' you just look really cute playing your game," she replied and set her pen down on the desk. 

He licked his lips and leaned back against his chair, eyeing the screen. "I'd say you look pretty damn fine doing homework," he replied, raising his brows.

Heat rushed to her cheeks, rolling her eyes in the process. "Ugh shush! I look like a total mess," she said and looked away from the screen. 

Jean chuckled and ran his fingers through his hair. "Nah.. you look like the girl who's gonna have my last name," he replied, smirking. 

Her jaw dropped from his comment, a smile grew onto her lips as her cheeks felt hot. He was smooth like that. 

"You are quite smooth," she said, crossing her arms over her chest. 

Another chuckle escaped his throat. "Yeah I'm smooth.. only for you though," he said, winking at the camera. 

"You're adorable.. I wish you were here so I could squeeze your cheeks," she said and played with her pen. 

Jean nodded. "I wish I was there with you too.." he said, looking down at the ground. "I'd like my cheeks squeezed but I'd want to squeeze yours.. if you know what I mean," he added. 

She started laughing a bit. "Ugh Jean I never get tired of you," she replied, looking at her phone screen. "Will you ever be here?" she asked.

Jean fell silent and leaned back against the chair. A sigh escaping his lips. "I have no idea (Y/N).. my schedule has been busy lately, plus I don't really have the funds to fly out anytime soon." he replied, his voice filled with disappointment.

She felt a slight tug at her heart, she knew they probably wouldn't meet for a long time. Many of her friends told her that Jean wasn't worth her time at all and that she needed someone who could come see her. Her friends also said it's not worth it at all and that he'd probably end up hooking up with some girl, and totally forgetting about her. That's something she absolutely didn't want to think about.

"(Y/N)? You alright?" Jean asked, breaking her out of her thoughts.

She shook her head, blinking a few times. "Y-Yeah! Sorry, I zoned out.." she replied and smiled a bit.

He put his controller on his desk, he stared at the screen for a few moments. "You know (Y/N) I really want to meet you, trust me I do. I know how much it bothers you that we can't at the moment, but I promise you, we will meet some day." he said with a serious expression. 

She felt her heart swell at his words, Jean always knew what to say to make her feel like a princess. Jean always said from day one that they would meet, it was a promise he had yet to fulfill, but he told her to never worry and that he'll make it happen. She just has to believe him. 

"I trust your words Jean," she said, smiling a bit.

A grin grew onto his face. "Ugh.. this is why I want to meet you so bad. I wanna see that pretty smile in person," he said and leaned against his desk. 

Her cheeks felt hot from his words. "You're too sweet," she replied, rolling her eyes playfully. 

Jean chuckled. "Sweet enough for you,"

Suddenly, (Y/N) heard her bedroom door fly open. 

"Hey (Y/N)!- Oh crap.. did I interrupt something?" 

Her head snapped back to see her best friend Sasha standing in the doorway. 

"Oh not at all Sash, I was just talking to Jean." (Y/N) replied, looking back at the camera. 

Sasha grinned widely, she knew who he was ever since they started talking. Jean was cool with her, he felt like first impressions with friends are always important. 

"Hey Jean!" Sasha yelled, coming down to her phone. "Ooo.. (Y/N) he's shirtless for you," she teased, elbowing her side. 

Her jaw dropped as her cheeks grew hot again. "Can you not! Why are you even here anyway?" she asked, looking up at her friend. 

"Uh duh, I'm here to discuss Valentine's Day plans! You know.. Connie and stuff," she replied in a whisper. 

(Y/N) rolled her eyes playfully. "Ugh fine! Hey Jean, is it cool if I call you back later? Sash here needs boy advice," she asked, grabbing her phone. 

Jean smiled. "Yeah totally.. text me okay? Be safe." he replied. 

She felt a wide smile grow onto her cheeks. "I most definitely will!" she said, hanging up the call. 

Sasha leaned against the wall with a giant smirk on her face. (Y/N) looked up, her head nodding as she was confused as to why she was acting like that. 

"What?" she asked, furrowing her brows. 

A giggle escaped Sasha's lips. "Oh nothing! Ugh (Y/N)! When are you finally going to meet Jean? Have you guys even made it official yet?" she asked. 

She looked down. "No.. we haven't made it official. We aren't dating Sasha, we're just talking and stuff." she replied, shrugging her shoulders. 

Sasha crossed her arms over her chest. "Maybe it's time you do it! You've been talking for months, and I feel like it's a good time. Especially with Valentine's Day and all," she said. 

(Y/N) wasn't sure if what Sasha was saying was a good idea. How the hell would she even ask out Jean? Over a facetime call? That sounded boring. It also sounded too cliche and not special at all. 

"I would Sash but asking him out over a phone just sounds so.. middle school," she replied and stood up. "It's not like I can fly out and ask him out or whatever," she added. 

A grin was displayed onto Sasha's face. "I guess you're right," she said and shrugged her shoulders. 

"Now come on… let's go discuss things for Connie," (Y/N) said, pushing past her. 

Sasha grinned again, following her friend. 

-

(Y/N) spent most of the week helping Sasha with her Valentine's Day gift for Connie. Sasha had some odd ideas, but eventually they came to an agreement on a decent idea. 

For some reason, things felt off with Jean.

The past few days she noticed a change in his behavior, he became a little less interested in their conversations and his replies were a bit dry. Of course she blamed it on him maybe being tired from classes or working out, but she wasn't exactly sure if that was the reason. She questioned it a few times, but Jean usually replied with a 'wym?'.

"(Y/N)!? Hello? Come on help me finish this," 

Sasha's voice broke her out of the thoughts she was having. "Sorry! What's up?" she asked, blinking a bit. 

Sasha put the bag of snacks down. "Are you sure you're alright? You've been acting weird all day," she said and crossed her arms. 

(Y/N) sighed. "Yes I'm fine Sasha," she replied and leaned back in her chair.

She nodded her head and sat back down in front of her. "Alright.. can you just organize this for me?" she asked, tossing the bag towards her. 

(Y/N) grabbed the stuff and began to sort through the items Sasha bought Connie. She wasn't exactly alright, she was feeling lonely the past few days. She saw all of her friends getting ready for Valentine's Day with their significant others, while she didn't have anybody. The pink and red boxes of chocolates, the teddy bears, roses, everything! It made her feel lonely and with Jean's behavior… it didn't exactly make it better.

She looked at her phone which displayed no messages from Jean. For some reason he hasn't been messaging her a lot lately. 

2:31 P.M.<- (Y/N): hey :)) 

4:23 P.M.<- (Y/N): i hope your day is going well! ♡

She sighed and went back to the gift for Connie. 

"What are you doing for Valentine's Day, (Y/N)?" Sasha asked and looked up at her. 

She shrugged her shoulders. "Probably just watching Netflix movies," she replied with disappointment in her voice. 

She nodded her head. "What!? No! You're not gonna do that on my watch. Why don't you come hangout with Connie and I?" she asked. 

A laugh escaped her lips. "Yeah I so wanna do that. Watching you two make out and eat is so much fun," she replied in a teasing voice. 

Sasha blushed. "Oh shut up! Come on.. I know you won't have anyone to hang with," she said and pouted a bit. 

She rolled her eyes playfully. "I can always call up Eren or something," she said and laughed a bit. 

Sasha hit her arm. "No! You're hanging with me and that's final! Plus why would you wanna hangout with Eren? He'd probably take you to some party," she said. 

"Yeah you're probably right," (Y/N) replied, chewing her lip. 

She threw her a smile. "Exactly!" she said and went to go look at her phone. 

(Y/N) looked on her own phone as she felt disappointed seeing no messages from Jean. She hated double texting him, she felt like she was a bother and that she was annoying him. Maybe he just didn't have his phone on him. 

A sudden squeal came from Sasha, which made (Y/N) look up in surprise.

"Uh.. are you okay?" she asked and blinked a bit. 

Sasha looked at her, composing herself. "Oh- u-um! Yeah totally, Connie was just telling me something. That's all," she replied and looked down at her phone. 

She rolled her eyes playfully. "Ugh Connie.." she said, shaking her head. 

-

The next two days were kind of difficult for (Y/N). Jean had totally changed his behavior, he was more dry, took longer to respond, and even on their facetime call he didn't seem very interested. If she did want to facetime, he would claim he was busy or he didn't exactly seem to pay attention. 

Her mind raced with different thoughts about the situation. What if Jean was getting tired of her? What if this was the situation all of her friends told her about? How guys who live far end up leaving you for someone who lives near them. It hurt to think about. 

"I don't know his behavior just changed!" 

She was currently ranting to Sasha who came over for a bit. "He's been dry? I mean.. Connie can be dry," she replied, playing with her pillow. 

"No like overly dry, Jean is never dry! He always keeps the conversation going, he doesn't even send me good morning texts anymore either!" she said and sat up. 

Sasha nodded as she listened to her words. "Have you tried asking at all?" she asked. 

(Y/N) sighed. "I did on facetime and he sort of dodged the question," she replied. 

"I dunno (Y/N).. maybe just see what happens? Maybe he's got some personal stuff going on" Sasha said. 

(Y/N) shrugged. "Couldn't say.." 

A sudden ping from Sasha's phone made her ears chirp, she reached over and looked at her phone. She started jumping around excitedly. 

"What? What happened?" (Y/N) asked, furrowing her brows. 

Sasha looked at her. "I gotta go! Connie texted me about something.. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" she said, shoving her phone in her pocket. 

She felt confused as to why Sasha was leaving. "Uh.. yeah, okay. See you later," she replied and watched as Sasha exited her room and out the front door. 

She flopped onto her bed, staring up at the ceiling as her mind clouded with thoughts about Jean. Her mind was playing scenarios she didn't want to see, Jean finding someone else would absolutely crush her. In a way, it would be for the best, considering they haven't even met, but she was in too deep with feelings. She didn't want anybody else. 

She grabbed her phone, she opened their messages and scrolled to see if there was anything she could have said to make him upset. Jean was always one to communicate with her, he'd always tell her if he was having a bad day or someone pissed him off. Why wasn't he doing that now? Her eyes scanned over the most recent message she sent.

7:21 P.M.<- (Y/N): did you go working out? i bet you're getting those gains! <3 lol.

Another sigh escaped her lips reading the words 'delivered'. What was going with him? 

-

It was Valentine's Day. 

(Y/N) wasn't exactly in the best mood today, that feeling of loneliness lingered in her mind as she scrolled through different couples getting gifts and going on special dates. All the things she yearned for. 

She sent Jean a message that morning and of course, he didn't respond. He read her messages from the previous night, but he never sent a genuine response. It made her heart feel heavy, maybe this was it. Maybe Jean just got tired of waiting around for her and found someone better. 

She shoved her phone into her pocket as she knocked on the door of Sasha's apartment. She looked around as many people exited their apartments. 

"Hey! You made it! We have all kinds of snacks!" Sasha yelled, opening the door so she could come inside. 

(Y/N) smiled and stepped in. The aroma of food filled her nose. "Wow Sasha.. this smells great," she said, taking off her shoes. 

Connie came in from the living room holding a plate. "Hey (Y/N)! Good to see you," he said and waved at her. 

She smiled as she plopped down at the kitchen table, she grabbed a few pieces of candy and tossed them into her mouth. She tried to forget the upsetting thoughts for the night. 

"You want something to eat?" Sasha asked as she came over with a plate of food. 

(Y/N) shook her head. "I'm fine.. thank you Sasha," she replied, looking down at the table. 

Connie came over and set a cup of soda in front of her. "Have something to drink at least," he said and sat next to Sasha. 

She swirled around the soda that bubbled towards the top. "Thanks.." she replied and took a sip of the lemon flavored soda. 

The two started eating and (Y/N) sat there looking at her phone, she silently hoped that Jean would message her back. It had been a few hours since she sent her last message, she felt disappointment going through her veins. She guessed that Jean was ghosting her, it hurt a ton, but there wasn't much she could do. 

"(Y/N)! Connie loved the gift!" Sasha said and wiped her mouth with the napkin. 

She nodded and gave a small smile. "Oh that's cool! I'm glad you liked it," she replied and looked towards Connie. 

He smiled. "Yeah it was dope! It had all my favorite snacks," he said, looking at Sasha with a grin.

(Y/N) felt the heaviness in her heart, she wished someone would look at her the way Connie looked at Sasha. 

"Hey what about that Jean guy you were talking to? I meant to ask," Connie asked and looked at her. 

She laughed a bit. "Uh.. well I don't know what's going on with that. He's been kind of distant lately so I guess he's getting tired of me. It's understandable I guess.." she replied, looking down at the floor. 

They could hear the sorrow in her voice. "I'm sorry (Y/N).. you'll find someone, I know you will." Sasha said.

She shrugged and leaned back in her chair. "I don't know guys.. I feel like after this I just wanna focus on me," she said, taking out her phone.

Connie looked over at her. "Don't say that now.. come on, have some hope." he said and gave a playful smile. 

She rolled her eyes playfully. "I'll try," she replied. 

Sasha and Connie finished up their food and cleaned the dishes, (Y/N) sat on the couch as the movie played on the tv. It was some romantic movie which she didn't even bother to pay attention to, she didn't exactly want to watch one at the moment. 

Sasha appeared in the living room, she had her phone in her hand. "Hey whatcha doing?" she asked, leaning over to look at her phone. 

"Oh nothing, just scrolling through Instagram," (Y/N) replied and clicked her phone off. 

A ping went off as Sasha got a notification, she looked at her phone as a grin displayed on her features making (Y/N) curious. 

"Did Connie send you nudes in the bathroom or something?" she asked and began to laugh.

A blush crept onto Sasha's cheeks. "What!? Absolutely not! You're so gross (Y/N)!" she yelled, hitting her arm. "Let's play a game, I'm bored." she added and stood up.

(Y/N) nodded. "A game? Sasha I'm not twelve.." she said and leaned against the couch. 

Sasha came in with what seemed to be a blindfold. "Come on! It's fun okay? You just have to feel something and guess what it is," she said, crossing her arms. 

"A blindfold? Jeez Sash.. didn't know you and Connie were into blindfolds," she said, starting to laugh. 

Sasha hit her arm playfully. "Shut up! No I'm not into blindfolds.. you're gross! Just come here," she said and waved her over.

(Y/N) stood up and tossed her phone onto the couch. She walked over to Sasha who seemed excited to play, she hoped that this game wouldn't be weird.

"Alright.. let's get started," Sasha said, going behind her to tie the blindfold over her eyes. 

She faintly heard the sound of the front door opening, she was confused as to who came in. Then she remembered Connie went to go throw out the garbage, so she figured it was Connie coming back in. 

"Okay first thing!" Sasha said and held out the item for her to touch. 

(Y/N)'s fingers brushed over the item, it felt cold. It felt like plastic too, was it a box? It felt smooth.

"Is this like.. a box or something?" she asked, looking around with the blindfold on. 

She heard giggles and laughs coming from Connie and Sasha. "Yeah it's a box! Here's the next item," Sasha said.

Her fingers brushed over the soft material, it felt velvety and smooth. It felt like petals from a flower. 

"Are these flowers?" she asked. 

"Damn (Y/N)! You're good at this! Here's the last thing," Connie said, his voice sounding faded. 

She furrowed her brows as she heard whispering and shuffling, she was tempted to remove the blindfold to see if they were playing a prank.

"Okay here," Sasha said. 

She reached out feeling something hard, it felt like.. a chest? Her brows furrowed again as she ran her fingers along it. 

"Sasha is this your chest? Connie is definitely not this muscular," (Y/N) asked, looking around for their voices. 

Sasha giggled. "No it's not me! You can take your blindfold off in a sec," she said, taking out her phone. 

(Y/N) felt nervous as she kept her hands on the person's chest, they felt warm and she could feel their heart racing against her skin. 

"Okay now!" Sasha yelled. 

(Y/N) removed her blindfold, letting her eyes adjust. When she looked up she was faced with the honey eyes of the person she least expected. 

It was Jean.

Her jaw dropped as her hands slapped over her mouth, she couldn't believe it. He held in his hands flowers and a box of chocolate, the flowers being her favorite. Roses. He stood there smiling at her reaction, she looked back seeing Sasha recording and Connie laughing.

"You're real.." (Y/N) said, looking at Jean with wide eyes. 

He smiled. "I'm real," he replied, opening his arms for her. 

She tackled him with a bone crushing hug, his arms wrapping around her waist surrounding her in his embrace. She inhaled his scent and let his warmth engulf her. 

Tears welled in her hues as she put her hands onto his face. "Pinch me please.." she said and laughed a bit. 

Jean chuckled, cupping her cheek. "I don't think you're dreaming," he replied, pulling her closer. 

"This is so cute I feel like a proud mom," Sasha said as she kept recording. 

(Y/N) looked back. "H-How? How did you get him here?" she asked and nodded. 

Connie rubbed the back of his neck. "We actually were both in on it, we paid for his ticket and everything. He's staying at my place actually," he said, smiling at her. 

"Sasha planned the game too," Jean added and looked towards the brunette. 

(Y/N) pulled Sasha into a tight hug. "I literally love you right now," she said as a few tears escaped down her cheeks. 

"Uh (Y/N)! I think you should be the one telling him that," Sasha said, pointing at Jean. 

She came back over to Jean who handed her the flowers. "Someone as beautiful as you are deserves these in person. Happy Valentine's Day beautiful," he said, smiling down at her. 

She laughed as she took the flowers, her heart swelling. "Thank you really.." she replied, pulling him into another hug. 

He put his arms around her, he felt his heart flutter as he felt her touch. "Do you want to..?" 

"Get out of here?" she asked, nodding. 

The two looked back at Sasha and Connie. "Knock yourselves out! Don't have too much fun (Y/N).." Connie said and smirked devilishly.

Heat rushed onto her cheeks. "I'd like to say the same to you both," Jean said, putting his arm around her shoulder. 

Connie and Sasha both turned red. "Okay! Bye Jean and (Y/N)! Have fun!" Sasha said and ran out of the room. 

They both turned to one another, laughs escaping both of their lips. "Let's go," she said, fishing around her pockets for her car keys. 

Jean followed her out of Sasha's apartment building to her car, his hands brushing over her fingers a few times making her cheeks hot. 

Once in the car, she began the drive back to her apartment. She couldn't keep her eyes off Jean, he looked so much better in person. All of his features stood out, his jawline, his hair, and his amazing eyes. 

"You know.. you're 100x more beautiful in person," Jean said, breaking the silence between them. 

She smiled. "Thank you… you're 100x more handsome," she replied and looked over at the passenger side. 

Jean felt his cheeks grow red from her words. "I never thought in a million years I'd meet you this soon," he said and leaned back in his seat. 

She laughed a bit. "I could say the same.. Sasha told me nothing about this," she replied, turning the steering wheel.

A chuckle erupted in his throat. "It was meant to be kept secret. Connie and Sasha both messaged me about it and I was in," he said.

"I thought you were ghosting me at first.. I was so bummed at her house,"

Jean looked over at her. "Oh never.. I'd never ghost you. Connie told me to just put distance so it wouldn't seem weird," he said, brushing his fingers over her arm.

Tingles ran around her body as he touched her. "I should have known something was up," she said and shook her head. "Anyway, we're here." she added, taking off her seatbelt. 

Jean exited the car with her. He followed her up the stairs to her apartment. She opened the door and removed her shoes, Jean stepped in and eyed the room. She kept it clean and organized. 

"Nice place," Jean said and smiled at her. 

She looked back at him. "Oh thank you.. it means a lot," she replied, placing his gifts on the counter. 

The two stood there for a moment just taking in their appearances. She felt her heart racing as Jean stood there eyeing her. 

"So um.. what do you wanna do?" Jean asked, looking down at her. 

She leaned against the wall. "I dunno.. maybe we can watch a movie in bed?" she asked, nodding.

"Sounds like a plan.. I gotta call Connie. He needs to drop my shit off in the morning if I'm sleeping here," he said and took out his phone. 

(Y/N) rocked on her heels. "Sounds good! Um.. I'll be right back, I'm gonna change." she replied and made her way to her room.

Jean texted Connie and within seconds he responded with an 'ok'. He walked towards the room where (Y/N) was, her room was decorated nicely. She knew how to keep it clean. He noticed the familiar sights he used to see on facetime. 

She came from the bathroom wearing shorts and a t-shirt. "Come sit," she said and hopped on her bed. 

Jean felt stiff, he didn't want to make her uncomfortable or make any moves that were too quick. 

"So uh… what kind of movie do you wanna watch?" he asked, looking at her nervously. 

"Hmm.. horror?" she replied, looking back at him as she turned on the tv. 

He nodded. "Sounds like a plan," he said and leaned back against the pillows on her bed. 

She put on one of the horror movies and lied down next to him, her hands brushed over his arm veins. She traced lines where his muscles were. Goosebumps littered onto his skin feeling her touch. 

"Don't be so stiff.. you aren't going to hurt me," (Y/N) said leaning up a bit. 

He felt his nerves loosen up at her words. "Sorry.. I just don't wanna come off as a creep," he replied, rubbing the back of his neck. 

She giggled, moving his arm so it was now around her waist. "You aren't a creep to me at all," she said, laying her head on his chest. 

Jean's grip on her waist tightened as he brought her body closer to his. He imagined nights like these for so long, his arms around her holding her close so she never slips away. 

She felt so warm next to him. 

As the night went on, (Y/N) felt her eyes become droopy. She started to snooze against his chest, Jean smiled hearing her small snores and the way she twitched. He turned off the lamp and pulled the covers over the two of them. 

-

The next morning Jean was awoken by (Y/N) moving out of his embrace. Her eyes trying to get used to the light that shone into her room, she grabbed her phone, the time reading 10:12 A.M. 

She turned over to look at Jean who was awake. A giggle escaped her lips as she cuddled back into him. 

"I didn't mean to fall asleep," she said and traced his muscles with her fingers. 

He squeezed the flesh of her waist. "Don't worry about it," he replied and lied his chin onto her head. "What do you wanna do today, beautiful?" he asked.

She sighed. "Do you wanna just relax and chill? We don't have to go anywhere," she replied, looking up at him. 

"Sounds fine by me," Jean said, staring up at the ceiling. 

The two lied there for a few minutes before deciding to get dressed and ready for the day, Jean noticed his suitcases were at the front door. (Y/N) told him that Sasha had a spare key so she most likely stopped by while they were asleep. It made him laugh but also a little weirded out. 

They both changed and lied around (Y/N)'s place, they took many photos together and goofed off. She never felt happier than she did in those moments, Jean didn't want to stop touching her. He loved feeling her smooth skin against his, he held her hand or brushed against her arm. Not in a creepy way of course. 

It was around 6:30 in the afternoon, Jean and (Y/N) messed around in her apartment for most of the day. Watching movies, ordering food, taking photos, etc. It had been an amazing day. 

"Hey Jean.." (Y/N) said, reaching up to play with the strands of his hair. 

He looked down at her. "What's up?" he asked. 

She smiled. "Do you wanna go to the pier near my house? We can watch the sunset," she asked, nodding her head. 

His face lit up with excitement. "Hell yes! Let's go right now," he replied. 

The two rushed out of the apartment and went to her car, the sun was going to set pretty soon, so they wanted to get to the pier at a decent time to see it all. 

The car ride was fun, the two blasted music and sang along with the words. 

Eventually, the two arrived at the pier. Many people walked along the sidewalks with each other, the summer air felt nice. Jean held her hand as they made their way up to the dock, some people leaned along the sides talking with one another. 

The sun shined onto their faces, Jean's honey eyes looked like pure gold as the sun passed through them. 

The tide from the waves crashed below them the seagulls flew in the sky or onto the ground. 

"It's so pretty.." (Y/N) said, smiling as she leaned against the railing staring at the setting sun.

Jean admired the sky as it was painted with purples and oranges. "Yeah.. but not as pretty as you are," he said and held her hand in his. 

She looked absolutely stunning to him. The way the sun shined over her skin and the way the wind lightly blew along her hair made his heart swell. 

She was truly the most beautiful girl he ever laid his eyes on. 

"I always imagined coming here with you.. it was my dream date," she said and smiled.

Jean took her hand into his. "Can I ask you something?" he asked. 

She looked up at him. "Of course Jean," she replied and brushed a few strands of hair out of his face. 

He let out a shaky breath. "(Y/N)... I never thought I'd ever get to meet you, but now that I have I realized how amazing you are. You're so beautiful.. don't even get me started on your smile either. You've made today so great and I've been meaning to ask you this question for so long. My feelings for you are strong and I can't imagine my life without you by my side," he said. "Will you be my girlfriend?" 

She felt her heart burst at his words, she couldn't deny what she felt for Jean. "Yes! Yes!" she replied, putting her arms around his neck. 

He smiled as he put his arms around her waist. "I love you.." he whispered. 

Her eyes went wide. "I love you too.." she said, leaning into his face and pressing her lips onto his. 

The kiss was passionate, his lips felt smooth and soft. It took her breath away. 

"I promise I'll make you feel like a princess," Jean said and cupped her cheek. "I'll never let you go," he added. 

She felt small tears form into her eyes. "I'll never let you go either," she said and smiled at him.

They stood there for awhile watching as the sun slowly disappeared behind the clouds, the sky painted in bright oranges and dark blues. 

Arriving back home they both rushed up the stairs to her apartment. She unlocked it and pulled him into a heated kiss, the kiss feeling hot.

Jean made his way to the couch, his hands on her hips. "I didn't know you were this good of a kisser.." he whispered, smirking as he kissed her. 

"I guess we're both full of surprises," she replied and put her arms around his neck.

He sat down on the couch, her thighs on either side of his legs. "Wait.." Jean said, breaking the kiss between them. "I need to mention one more thing," he added, looking up at her. 

She nodded. "What's up?" she asked. 

He felt a smile grow onto his lips. "I know I leave in two days but.. I wanted to let you know that I was pricing apartments around here as well as schooling.. and I found out I got accepted," he said. 

Her jaw dropped hearing the news. "What!? No way! You're lying! Does that mean.." she said. 

"I won't be far away anymore my love," he replied, cupping her cheek. "It's gonna take awhile for me to move in, but I should be here by the end of next month." 

She felt excitement coursing through her. "That's great!" she said. 

"I mean it when I say it that I do love you (Y/N).. it's not me saying that to impress you, I truly do." he said, smiling at her. "I can't imagine myself with anyone else. I want a future with you," he added. 

She felt a smile grow onto her cheeks. "I love you too Jean… I want you with me forever," she said, running her fingers along his face. 

He smiled and leaned in to kiss her lips. "Your wish is granted baby," he said and pressed his lips against hers. 

She giggled, leaning down towards him. "What do you say we celebrate?" she asked, smirking. 

He eyed her hungrily. "Oh you wanna be like that huh? Consider it your special Valentine's Day treat," he replied, bringing her body close to his.

[myimmortalisimmortal]

Why Chapter 39 of My Immortal was due to an actual hacker

After considering some findings, I’m confident in this theory. And thus, I’m confident anyone who claims to be Tara Gilesbie while claiming the hacked chapter was faked is not being honest. Below I will explain why I believe so and how I came across this information in the first place.

All this was from a long chain of breadcrumbs. Let’s go back... all to the mid 2000s in the LiveJournal days when Tara Gilesbie had a dedicated fan club.

The Tara Gilesbie Fan Club

One thing that particularly stuck out was members mentioning finding Tara through IMDb. Yes, you heard right.

[ID: Two comments on the Tara Gilesbie Fan Club LiveJournal.

The first is from ‘golden_helikaon’ on 2008-01-19 writing, “I found it on the Order of the Phoenix IMDb board. There were several long threads dedicated to ripping her apart with every new chapter.”

The second comment is from ‘heartdreamerz’ on 2008-01-20 writing, “It was almost 2 years ago and I've told this story many times. I knew Tara a month before My Immortal was published. It was on IMDb's board for My Chemical Romance. When the story came out I knew about it but didn't pay attention because I wasn't into HP at the moment. Then, like icarus_malfoy wrote, there were the threads about her and that's when my interest started. There were also another troll on the His Dark Materials...” (Image cuts off.) End ID.]

According to this, Tara Gilesbie was already tyrannizing the internet before she posted My Immortal. This actually is very consistent with the fact “Tara Gliesbie is totlly Gottik” was a petition that existed in November 2005. (My Immortal was posted in March 2006.)

This IMDb profile seemed very intriguing. It hasn’t been mentioned much, and isn’t considered to be official by most people. Was it a legitimate account? If so, was there gothicness we were deprived of all along? I searched to try find out more about it, hoping screen captures or something would turn up. Luckily, one of the same members copied and pasted Tara’s bio in another comment.

[ID: A comment on the Tara Gilesbie Fan Club LiveJournal by ‘heartdreamerz’ on 2007-05-05 writing, “All her posts are deleted now. I can still visit her profile because she's on my friend list. Her bio:

‘hi im tara. im a goth (n prode!). i have died blak hair n blu eyez. i wer eyeliner a lot of da time. i hav a bf. his naym is justin. he rox! i liv in Dubia.

likz: eyliner, goffik makep, beng goffik, GOOD CHRALOTTE, death, sleting my rists, drak colorz, hot topik _

dizliks: beng alive, bo, pop music, brite colors, pink, brabie, hiraly doof da music i lik: linen prak, GOOD CHRELOTE, evinezenz, simpl plan, akon, arvil levine, blink-183, panik! at da disko, foll oot boi, mcr. HIRALY DOOF IS A PSR!

fav moviez: when a stranger kallz, da grudge, da grudge 2, korps bird, da nitemare b4 krismas, da ring 2, da ring, shrak attak, undreworld 2, da texas chonsow massakre da bogenning

ps 2 all da prepz nd pozers tryin 2 diz me u r jus jeloz!!!! so yolsentik nd hartdremer u kan go fok ur momz 4 al i ker ok U SUK!!!111′

I feel so special to be personally insulted by her on her profile.” End ID.]

People like to copy & paste things stupid things to laugh at all the time (no offense Tara), so I thought: why not Google some of the bio? Maybe whoever did that posted additional stuff.

And it worked! (I found more content from Tara’s supposed IMDb, but more on that for a different post.)

When searching the bio, a Reddit thread about Rose Christo popped up.

During Rose Christo’s brief reign, a user said Rose’s claims seemed to check out. This user actually happens to be the same commenter, Heartdreamerz, in the LiveJournal thread. (Which makes sense, considering she’s the one who originally had the bio I was searching.) 

If you don’t feel like clicking the Reddit link, basically she confirmed Rose’s claim that two Filipino users from the forums hacked the account.

Because of Heartdreamerz’ long involvement in My Immortal and the fact she never claimed to be Tara or Raven, I take a lot of trust in her word.

Heartdreamerz linked the FF.net profile of the original hacker: Coruscate Corruption.

Looking up “Coruscate Corruption” had me come across this from the LiveJournal fan club, which implies that there were two hackers.

[ID: post on the Tara Gilesbie Fan Club Livejournal by 'nicespice' on Dec. 28th, 2006, writing, “Just a little thing I drabbled down. Hope it's not too horrible. What do you think?

There is an evil on FF.net and All who encounters it feels their Respiratory system give out And become too scared to scream. Gruesome, it is. The anti-christ fanfiction, My Immortal, written by a total idiot. Does she Leave you to cry tears of blood, because I have before. EarnestInBerlin and Coruscate Corruption, the hackers, Sought to bring My Immortal redemption. Too Bad the real Tara had to come back so soon to ruin the fun. I wish she had at least continued her story, I look at her fic Everytime I go online, wishing she'd just update so I could laugh at... Tara Gilesbie." End ID.]

While searching “Coruscate Corruption”, a few posts popped up from a forum for The Bartimaeus Sequence called Bartiforums.

[ID: Two images showing 3 forum posts by Mwamba.

The first post was a reply to, "Mwamba, how did you crack both passys? Just guessing or what?"

On December 8th 2006, Mwamba replied, "Tara's was just pure luck. It didn't take long to get. The password was tara. *snorts* Post's was just guessing too, but I remembered when his passy was cracked on here, so I tried out the same password. It worked. Oh yeah, and I wrote a fanfic for Post, it's a rip off of Tara's story, but meh.”

The last two posts were made on January 14th, 2007. The second post wrote, "It was me. I had complete control for two days. And then EarnestInBerlin had to hack in too and change the password. But then she told what it was and then the real Tara had to come back and rechange her passy so nobody could get in. But that's old news. That account is most certainly not mine. I could not continue that fic for 39 chapters, I'd get bored after the first fifteen.”

The third post wrote, “*Shrug* It doesn't matter. Call me whatever. Though if I have to pick, I suppose you can call me by my FF.net name, Coruscate Corruption. What book category are you writing this fic in? Just curious.” End ID.]

Chapter 39 was posted late November 2006, so that first post was only a few weeks after it happened.

The password was “tara”... does that ring a bell at all?

[ID: A screencap from Rose Christo’s now-deleted blog. It says, “And My Immortal? You can come to your own conclusions. This was really never about the fic; it was the marketing team at SMP that decided to make My Immortal the main part of the story. Our email address was gofikchick@hotmail.com and our password was tara.” End ID.]

-- Rose Christo’s claim before deleting

 You may be asking, “Rose Christo? The woman who lied about her family, being Native American, and writing My Immortal to sell a book?” Yes, that Rose Christo. Yes, she was a fraud and a scammer, but she peppered in some little-known true details to make her claim seem more legit. For instance, she talked about a Voldemort rper in the reviews, and that ended up being true. You can actually find this Voldemort reviewer in the web archives of Raven’s stories. (Apparently, that Voldemort even came out and said “hey, that’s me!” Cannot find it unfortunately.)

Keep in mind the only way I found any of this was because Rose Christo made that claim. Without it, Heartdreamerz wouldn’t have made that post that led to Coruscate Corruption and those posts on Bartiforums. It’s possible Rose somehow came across the same information I did, but it’s more likely she was there. Rose Christo may not be the author of My Immortal, but it was likely she was a spectator as it all went down. (As I was a spectator for Rose’s ordeal when it all went down.)

 Since it was said the hackers posted on the fanfiction forums, I sought to find it by searching “Tara”, “My Immortal”, etc. on FFnet’s search. The posts are unfortunately long gone, but there is a surviving forum called “My Immortal Forum Tara Gilesbie is a genius!”

[ID: A screencap of “My Immortal Forum Tara Gilesbie is a genius!” from Fanfiction net. Someone named Ebony Dark’ness wrote, “I have personally logged on to Tara’s account when her password was revealed after she got hacked.” End ID.]

TL;DR: Multiple, separate people made consistent claims over the span of years. Because of this, I personally believe Tara’s account was legitimately hacked.

(Sources/links will be added in a reblog.)

[shermandelux-blog]

HOW TO NEVER EVER OFFEND ANYONE ONLINE...EVER!!!

***spoiler alert....it's not possible!! so HERE's what to do when the internet  TURNS ON YOU!

So I'm walking out the front door of the brewery the other day and there at the bar was great friend and fellow brewery owner from down the block Damon Moreau of Common Crown Brewery. "How's it going buddy?" I blurt out, happy as always to see fellow brewers in our taproom. The somewhat fatigued look on his face said everything but yet he replied "Well our new beer just launched and social media is EXPLODING right now!!" Well, that's GREAT news I begin to attempt to congratulate him but he stops me in my tracks with a "yeah but NOT in a good way!" The reaction to the name "Cherry Karen Sour” hit fast and hit hard.  Some people were clearly offended by the use of the Karen meme on their cans and accusations of ignorance and racism began to fly. 

From my viewpoint, I thought it was a clever play on a sour beer being named after a sour personality. I've seen enough of the Karen meme vids and GIF's online to get the connection and was truly surprised to see such anger and attacking comments towards them. Of course, I'd witnessed the Karen meme developing over the years since seeing #FuckYouKaren on Reddit YEARS ago. I'd heard the many tales of  "the Karen in the dental chair" when my wife comes home from work. I'd just simply never EVER associated this meme with anything racist. My thoughts on the worst part of the Karen meme was the unfortunate effect on the poor ladies who, despite being incredibly nice, respectful, lovely ladies who DO NOT need to speak to the manager and simply happen to be named "KAREN"!

Growing up a redhead I've certainly dealt with my share of being the TARGET of the internet's "less than flattering" meme's that range from my obvious lack of any semblance of a soul, all the way to people celebrating "kick a ginger day" (thanks south park) essentially mobilizing the world towards an entire day of the year promoting actual ASSAULT on myself and my fellow soul-less Gingers. 

To be clear, I do not think my personal experiences as the target of the latest internet meme excuses ignorance towards other internet meme's. I do wonder, however, how much responsibility we are to shoulder for keeping up to speed with the latest EVOLUTION of a meme? From my ignorant line of sight "Karen" had not yet manifested herself into a racially charged concept causing fear and possible harm to people of colour. 

"Karen" had been making us laugh since 2017 on Reddit but a quick search of Karen on "Know Your Meme" cites that a pretty significant change happened in 2020! May 25th, 2020 to be precise! That day saw the global pandemic collide violently with the killing of George Floyd AS WELL AS the Amy Cooper Central Park incident. Dr. André Brock, associate professor of Black digital culture at Georgia Tech stated "..the viral widespread resonance of “Karen” footage now is the result of an interest convergence where the coronavirus pandemic intersected with collective outrage over police brutality. The weekend that the video of Amy Cooper in Central Park went viral was the same weekend that George Floyd was killed after now-former Minneapolis police officer Derek Chauvin knelt on his neck, suffocating him. The Central Park video only highlighted the extreme violence — and potentially fatal consequences — of a white woman selfishly calling the cops out of spite and professed fear."

That happened May 25th, 2020. 50 days ago at the time of writing this. My point about the timeline of the evolution of the meme is that, as a fellow brewery owner, I can say with certainty that ‘50 days ago’ our friends at Common Crown Brewery would have still thought Karen was funny! They also would have already ordered beer cans labeled with Karen based artwork and they would have been so head down, consumed with keeping their business alive during the pandemic that they would have most likely missed the significance of Karen’s shift over the past weeks. I know i missed it. There's simply no way anyone could convince me that any of the fine folks at Common Crown would ever intentionally offend anyone with their branding and I'm positive that every single person who has ever met them feels the same way. So WHY such a violent and angry outcry towards them? I think Ricky Gervais from his time eating vegan wings on "hot ones" has some relevant insight! 

 The video above is obviously an overgeneralization of this new world we live in but it's also hilariously accurate. When did we become a generation of people swiping endlessly through other people's lives, waiting eagerly for OUR turn to be offended and stoke the internets mob justice flames? In today's day and age, I wouldn't feel safe announcing ANY kind of beliefs online be it political, religious, medical, sexual, etc. The internet is now a terrifying place, ready to attacknat a moments' notice and bully you for announcing that you wanted the Olympics in Calgary, or that you voted for Nenshi, or that you drive a Tesla, or, or, or,....

So NOW what!!?? Imagine you're a small business owner and despite your best efforts to make your customers happy, to make a living doing what you love, and to create a great environment for your staff to call home, you find yourself on the receiving end of the angry internet? Recently my good friend and fellow business owner James Boettcher of Righteous Gelato (the artist formerly known as Fiasco Gelato) found himself in this similar situation. After releasing a Black Lives Matter Gelato the internet backlash was swift. I watched terrified from the sidelines as my good friend and true Canadian LEGEND of an entrepreneur battled his way through a minefield. What started as criticism quickly turned into a pretty savage attack with people assaulting him as a person and as a business owner. It was brutal. And knowing the incredibly high level of intentions that both Righteous Gelato AND Common Crown Brewery uphold in every decision they make, I'm sure more and more people are thinking "when is it going to be ME who makes a mistake? When will I be the target of the internet's wrath? And what will I do when it happens to me?" 

Having caused a few controversial nationally viral stories myself, I'm no stranger to picking a fight and I'm no stranger to spending 24 hours a day for up to a week at a time responding to every single engagement, every single opinion, every single review, and every single media request during these times and I have a few suggestions for you if your turn ever DOES come around!!

1. Take a Deep Breath - Right or Wrong, Good, Bad or Ugly when you find yourself staring down the loaded barrel of an angry internet, the first step is to recognize that these situations are INCREDIBLE opportunities to let the world see who you really are! What you do next will be a defining moment in the history of your business, so take a deep breath and think "how do I let the TRUE spirit of my company's DNA shine through." 

2. Decide COLLECTIVELY on your position - We often react quickly with anger or defensiveness towards a seemingly unjustified criticism aimed at ourselves or our business. And why WOULDN'T we? NO ONE knows how hard we've worked as business owners to get to where we are right?? But that type of thinking is like a biased parent who's kid can do NO WRONG!! Anyone with kids on a sports team knows those parents! They are the WORST and usually have the worst kids! haha. But by involving your entire team to address the situation cooler heads can often prevail and can help a business see the situation from another position. Compassion, sympathy, and understanding of how others see our actions differently than we do is a hard skill to master. It's also perhaps the most important first step in admitting that we may, have truly made a mistake and need to genuinely make things right. Collectively Involving your team members with a less emotional connection to business is a great way to show them your level of respect for their insight as well as arrive at a position that the entire business believes and OWNS!

3. OWN your position...GENUINELY! - The internet can spot a fake a MILE away. Bullshit meters these days are finely tuned to sniff out shallow apologies, or disingenuous attempts to make the situation "go away". As Ricky Gervais stated above, it's OK if people don't agree with your decisions, even if they're MAD at your decisions. But don't waffle. If you were wrong...OWN IT! Apologize and mean it! Here's a sniff test example of whether you own an apology or not: If you apologize online for your actions and then someone posts in support of you that they thought your actions were justified....and you don't CORRECT them? then guess what? YOU'RE NOT SORRY so don't say that you are.

4. Don't delete the thread! - I love reading other business' reviews online! But I never waste my time with the 5-star reviews. I always feel they're either fake or the business owners' parents! either way, there's no value to me reading them. It's the ONE-star reviews that show me how a business responds to the challenges of business and most of THOSE are BS as well. When a bar gets a one-star review because some jackass felt vindictive towards the bartender who "cut him off" for the night. I laugh at the drunk idiot who thinks that bad review of this nature makes ANY negative impact on the business. On the contrary, a witty, clever response to a one-star review of this nature can do wonders for letting the world see your business's personality. And when a REAL one-star review comes in. It's a TRUE opportunity to show how your business is managed and you "right the wrongs". But somehow as business owners, we FEAR the one-star review!! Don't! Trust that the public will read between the lines and make their decision based on all the information. Again, we all have highly tuned bullshit meters, and deleting threads of this nature not only stop the public from gaining the full context of the situation you may find yourself in. It also, more often than not, creates a perception of guilt. If I hear about a company experiencing something similar and I look them and can read the threads I can make my OWN decision on where I stand on the matter. But if the threads have been deleted, I instinctively assume "boy they must have really screwed up!"

5. Don't be intimidated by the volume of the angry - People who "oppose" are ALWAYS louder that those who "support". Just because you've never had this much attention on your social channels and it ALL appears to be negative. You have to know that in general people who support you are much less likely to dive into shark-infested waters with you. However other SHARKS smell blood and are MUCH more likely to join in on the feeding frenzy. I guess it's just not as fun to stick your neck out there when you can safely watch the attack from the shore. Have faith, however, that despite the feeling of helplessness and the isolation of feeling totally alone in these times, there are TONNES of people who will read the posts, perhaps see both sides and potentially send you some support on a private DM, email, or phone call in support of what you're going through REGARDLESS of whether you're right or wrong. OTHER business owners are the friends you need to lean on, or shoulders to cry on during these times. The “swim in the deep end with me” quote from the video above is awesome to me as I’ve sent up the bat signal in my business before and called upon my pal Jim button of Village Brewery to wade into deep waters with me on issues in the past. It meant EVERYTHING to me that he dove in, headfirst with me!  It’s incredibly important to have people around you who, when they believe in your cause, are willing to stand with you on the front lines taking fire while  helping keep the flag in the air! Have those people around but also BE that person when YOU’RE called upon.

6. LEARN, LEARN, and LEARN SOME MORE- Regardless of the situation you've experienced, if you come away without learning and actively attempting to be better moving forward than you're an idiot. The entire WORLD is receiving a crash course on what acceptable behaviour looks like from all corners of humanity. The last few years have exposed a lot of mistakes humanity has made. The #MeToo movement, #BlackLivesMatter, and LGBTQ issues (to name a few) have allowed the world to learn how our past behaviours, past stereotypes, and even past ways of thinking are just not enough anymore. Being truly open to learning about what matters in the lives of those around us is truly eye-opening and incredibly important for loving forward progress of humanity. And without willing hearts, open to the opportunity to LEARN we'll all just be s bunch of angry internet trolls looking for people to attack who don't think the exact same way WE do or vote the same way WE do, etc!!

Finally, My hope for this blog is a call for PASSIONATE understanding and forgiveness. It's OK to be offended and it's OK to let a person or a business know how they've offended. The piece of the puzzle I've seen missing for some time now, however, is understanding and forgiveness. UNDERSTANDING that the initial outward appearance of a can of beer named after "KAREN" does not reflect the INTENTIONS of the great people trying to do great things for our community. But also the FORGIVENESS towards them once the issue has been raised. Most businesses today would stand stunned, eyes wide open, paralyzed in fear, and totally unaware of what to do next when faced with the attacks I've witnessed over the past year. Forgiveness is LIBERATING. It feels GOOD! But it takes empathy and compassion.

Imagine a thread someday where the offender realizes their mistake after reading criticisms they receive online. They regret it. They genuinely apologize. They learn a tonne, become more culturally aware, and the offended parties empathize with them, show them compassion, and openly forgive them for their mistake? Jack Handy probably said it best..."I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it"

[junkobears]

Here Lies Dreaded V3 Discourse

So I have seemed to cause a huge kerfuffle in the hardcore Ouma conspiracy theorists standom, and a banal (if condescending, but seeing the response to it honestly justifies it more than anything now. “Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it”, you better believe I can take it and will now PROPERLY dish it out right back at you) comment about one of Tsumugi’s anime references has led to someone launching a hilariously personal attack at me for Daring To Disagree With A Theory That Was Posted On A Public Website. Someone who I wasn’t even initially responding too, at that. And has now blocked me before even allowing me to respond and clarify my original comments. Don’t want to deal with the consequences of being a repugnant, rude person I guess? Shock and surprise for Tumblr.

The link to the post is here, but I’ve taken the liberty to screenshot it just in case it gets deleted later, in hope that maybe there’ll be some reflection on this person’s part that this really is not an acceptable way to respond to people who have a dissenting opinion? Anyways, I will be responding to the personal attack post and that will be the last time I interact with this group, because clearly it’s not worth it to actually have a discussion about our respective ending theories. I ain’t got time beyond this for tedious insecure fucks these days.

Anyways, my response is under the cut to save my poor followers’ dashes. Sorry to drag drama onto my blog but I can’t really let this slide. I’m also tagging @jacks-plays-drv3 just because I assume the twin comes with the other with these two, and I want my response to have been seen.

Screenshot In This Link - This post is long enough without the image taking up more space, haha.

Let’s start with this mess, shall we? And I will go into painstaking detail.

Paragraph 1: So this already starts off with a whole lot of needless aggression and projection. So I’m not even going to attempt to be nice back. But: maybe I haven’t proven anything because I literally had not typed up a response to clarify my original comments @ Jacks yet before the rabid attack dog was unleashed? Like, there was literally no attempt from you to have a discussion that was a genuine offer from me, I was not out to get you actually. I also honestly just laughed at being called shallow, JUST LIKE THAT HORRIBLE CHARACTER TSUMUGI SHIROGANE right off the bat as well. That’s a compliment really, honey. Weirdly I don’t share the same opinions as you do. Tsumugi is my fave and unlike you I actually think about and HAVE analyzed/discussed her character in detail previously, which I would’ve been happy to share had you not immediately went into Blind Raging Idiot Mode. Guess we can’t have it all, huh?

As for needing proof that she makes the Flashback Lights... nevermind the CG that literally shows her making them during Chapter 6, but do you have proof that Monokuma is the person who makes the Lights instead of just placing them for the students? I doubt it, somehow. Cuz a lot of your theories don’t actually have any concrete proof. Quelle surprise. Probably why anyone not immediately on board with your headcanon gets you so goddamn angry, huh? Cuz it’s completely baseless and you know it at heart.

As for the Ouma comments, actually I have read the assorted creator comments regarding his character even if you like to believe I’m a slobbering moron who turned my brain off as soon as I finished V3, so yes I already know that his name was chosen to sound mastermind-like. Maybe this was to emphasize and make his fake mastermind reveal appear more legit on first read? JUST A THOUGHT, SWEETIE. You know the entire fucking point of Chapter 5? You’re so slavishly devoted to your theory that you actually are incapable of reading the basic fucking text from the actual game, but again. Not a surprise. Considering what I’ve read from your blog (really, who are you again? I only knew Jacks’ blog from before all this, so you taking such a personal offense at my comments is honestly hilarious but baffling at the same time. It ain’t all about you, babe.)

As for the lab door, here’s an simpler explanation (Occam’s Razor, look it up): The star sign constellation pattern was there as a hint for the player to connect Ouma’s messages from his dorm room to the vault in Amami’s lab once its opened and you can see the star signs in there. Or perhaps it was designed like that by TDR to make the students make that connection as well in the original script and think that Ouma was the mastermind cuz of the connection to Amami’s lab? Literally, there are a lot of possibilities, cuz it’s a NOTHING DETAIL THAT DOESN’T ACTUALLY MATTER IN THE BIG PICTURE. Considering Kodaka’s track record with writing these games I don’t actually believe it’s anything major, personally. He doesn’t really strike me as the type to hide this completely separate story underneath the actual story we got, and with such vague nothing “”””””””””””clues””””””””””””. You and Jacks do yourselves (well you already do cuz you love to jack yourselves off with how CLEVER AND BETTER you are than the rest of us plebs), sure, in believing otherwise (You have way too much faith in him as a writer. Or you’re desperately trying to pretend V3 wasn’t poorly written cuz you don’t like the Ch. 6 twist) but also realize that its nothing more than extrapolation on your part that it actually means anything beyond the.... SHALLOW (horror scream) connection given in-game.

And really, who the fuck cares if it doesn’t match the title of ‘Supreme Leader’? It’s already a ridiculous talent as it stands already. The entire point of his character is that everything about him, his motives and his talent is contradictory and weird. That’s why I like him, actually. He isn’t an abused martyr who never lies like you goons believe and he also isn’t the evil monstrous chessmaster some of the fandom thinks. It’s Complex Motives™ .

Anyways moving on. Pointing out an anime reference =/= DISREGARDING PEOPLE’S ANALYSIS. Pointing out that most of the plot leads up to and supports the fiction twist =/= uncritically agreeing with everything Tsumugi says. Actually, after examining the game’s story for myself I came to the conclusion that all the clues in it really only support her version of the story, really. There are a few things I think she lied about, but it is not CONCLUSIVELY proven she lied in my opinion and so I don’t really give a fucking toss until new canon comes out and reveals more of the V3 story. Oumatwin don’t real, gurl. If there was actually anything in-game beyond one obvious joke line in the NON-CANON!!!!!!! bonus mode supporting that he existed, maybe I’d respect your theory more. Even though you don’t deserve respect after your little tantrum. 

Paragraph 2: Jesus I already am investing way too much time into this response at people who don’t actually deserve it, oh well. But laughing hard at the attempt to try and act as if you weren’t being a snobby asshole with your comments. Again, HUGE AMOUNTS OF PROJECTION at me about things I literally have never done and said. I have never interacted with you or Jacks prior to my initial comment. No fucking clue why you brought up the SaiOuma shit, cuz I don’t even LIKE Saihara as a character and don’t like that fujobait ship in the slightest? But I guess it’s easier to assume that all your critics are the exact same fucking person with the same opinions, so you can feel more persecuted, huh? You literally did not even wait for me to respond or check my blog that would’ve easily disproven these dumb-as-fuck assumptions. And get off the fucking high horse (pun completely intended), you lot are not the only people in this fandom who are capable of critical thought. How completely self-obsessed can you be? 

For someone who claims to have a lot of critical thinking skills compared to this nasty fandom, you really are terrible at parsing other people’s words. You fucking know when I said “group of anime fans” that I was referring to Team Danganronpa, the organization literally mentioned in game as running the game. The group Tsumugi is part of. She literally has a company badge FFS. THEY ARE ANIME FANS. THEY ALL STARTED KILLING GAMES CUZ THEY ALL LOVE THIS SHITTY SERIES. I can’t believe this had to be explained. And the rest of this paragraph word salad is the most pedantic argument. It’s really not hard to believe an organization in this series would have access to all this tech. And yes, it’s a popular TV show in-universe, of course it’ll have funding. And the whole damn point of the ending is that the V3 world is consuming fiction the wrong way by having real-life killing games, missing the entire point of the DR series and fiction in general? What’s your actual point?

Paragraph 3: Again more assumptions, I wasn’t ‘crying’ about being called gullible. I was just pointing it out as part of your extremely unnecessary smug dismissal of my post. That you really haven’t disproved at all, btw. Honestly the childish response you both had to me just makes me laugh out of pity more than anything. And if I was really upset I wouldn’t have offered to have a discussion with you or even continued to reply after Jacks initial (vague) post about what I said. So don’t put words in my mouth. And yes my analysis was not completed in my initial comments. It’s Tumblr fucking replies, I can’t fit the entire fucking dissertation of Tsumugi opinions in there for you to jeer at in there. Again, I offered to share my opinions and got this as a response, so lol. You are your own worst enemy when it comes to trying to get people to take you and your theories seriously. 

Paragraph 4: Especially since you immediately jump to PULLING THINGS OUT OF YOUR ASS (seriously, fucking snorted at this part. I want this whole diatribe on my fucking gravestone. It’s by far the most hilariously petty thing ever said about me on this site.) instead of letting me explain my position. If you just want to be in the creepy cult Oumatwin echo chamber you should’ve just said and blocked me ASAP instead of word salading vague bullshit justifications for why actually people who disagree with you are just stupid crybabies who can never hope to understand your genius. Again, my initial comments didn’t whine about not being taken seriously at all, I was pointing out the hypocrisy/rudeness is all. And again, get off the high horse about critical thinking. I have thought about Tsumugi’s character and how she relates to the over-arching plot and how truthful it is, and the overall ‘mystery’ of V3 (spoiler: there is none. it was all solved by chapter 6). I have thought about this game. In fact I dedicate too much time to critical analysis of this series that doesn’t actually deserve it cuz lately I find Kodaka to be a hack writer. Your assumptions are flat-out wrong, dear. And AGAIN. I WOULD’VE. SHARED AND DISCUSSED IN MORE DETAIL HAD I BEEN GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY. But rude fucks gonna vomit shit out of their mouth cuz they have literally no self-control and have meltdowns at the slightest difference of opinion, I guess. 

Your extreme hatred for Tsumugi as a character truly shines through. Clearly no thought has been put into her from your end, even though you and Jacks rage about people not taking Ouma seriously as a character. Double standards as always with fujos. Nothing I’m not used too, she is incredibly unpopular in this fandom. And everyone is entitled to their own opinions. So I’m not even mad at that. I have never said otherwise. Even you and Jacks are valid in having your own theories and thoughts. The ending of V3 is designed entirely so everyone can analyze the game for themselves and draw their own conclusions about the story and themes. That’s the whole point. Even though I personally dislike that as a writing decision on Kodaka’s part because I would prefer the story to be conclusively ended and the epilogue is a giant turd that misses the entire point of Chapter 6 and enables shit (anal pun intended, dumbass) like this to start spreading as “Analysis”. But hey, to each their own.

However I will not be interacting with either of you again after this post though, even though I was willing to discuss beforehand, because you both have shown yourselves to be incredibly vile with the way you approach other people in this fandom, and especially those who don’t share your conspiracy theory. Despite the absolutely ironic comments I’ve seen from Oumanous in their later, also terrible posts about how you need to understand your opponent before engaging, which they literally failed entirely to do before engaging the firing squad at me and other commentators who responded. So much for the sanctity of discussion, huh? Enjoy your circlejerk. Everyone else who follows me in this fandom though? Please consider blocking these two if you are also a sane human being who is capable of polite discussion/disagreements. They are not worth your time otherwise. They were really not worth my time writing this post, but I felt I had to say something.

In conclusion: Out with the both of you.

[toobadforthefacts]

Louis, Harry, Family and Friends’ Denials of Larry (as a Whole or as a Theory) and Confirmation of Elounor

(@seirral4) [Updated 13/08/2017]

[DISCLAIMER: this post has been recreated due to 1arry-isnt-rea1′s deactivation. Everything has been compiled and written by them, except when stated otherwise: the version retrieved was old, so some debunks went missing, and the situation needed to be mended. Also some links were updated, some denials reorganized, and some lexicon actualized: Larry Shippers --> Larries to avoid confusion. Give credit when you share some else’s contents.]

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Larries seem to think Harry and Louis have not denied Larry. They have, yet Larries still make up excuses for it.

I wanted to make a post showing all family or friends who have denied Larry at some point. This post is not only Larry denials, but confirmations of Elounor or denials of a theory of Larry (i.e. tattoos and such).

I never see people talk about most of these denials.

Guess why?

Like I have always said, Larries only see what they want to. They ignore everything that disproves or doesn’t support their ship.

I can also hear every Larrie scream, “THEY DIDN’T SAY ‘LARRY ISN’T REAL’ THOUGH."

That is a USELESS excuse. They do not need to say those three words to convey the same message. If that is your excuse for everything you will see in this post, you are helpless and clueless. Do not bother reading.

Lastly, if you are a Larrie and consider anyone in this post "irrelevant,” just remind yourself that you believe day old Twitter accounts who claim to have seen Larry with no proof. Everyone in this post has met the boys multiple times, is a good friend of the boys, or are family members. Not random people behind a screen who can easily make up lies.

[Image and video heavy.]

***Quick Note: I will post old screenshots if the reply was hard to find on my iPhone version of Twitter. Sometimes it just shows his or her tweet (which I would specifically search for) but not the original tweet he or she had replied to, then I will also post a screenshot on the current version of Twitter to show it is real. If the current version of Twitter shows both the fan’s tweet and his or her reply, I will only post that.

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Stanley Lucas

Stanley had replied to Louis’ tweet about Eleanor and his anniversary. Shortly after that, Stanley’s started replying to Larries who were spamming and harassing him with tweets talking about how Larry is real and Elounor is fake.

He started by just replying with “weird” to fans. Then he tweeted the following picture:

This tweet has been deleted. If you are doubting whether or not it’s real, go type in his tweet and @ name. There are tons of quoted tweets from that day on that time. It was real.

He then tweeted the following:

He continued to reply to many fans about different things. I’m only showing the ones about Larry or Elounor. In the following screenshot, you will see the fan’s question and his answer.

Next, the screenshot is of the current version of Twitter. You can look up this tweet yourself to verify that it is real.

He continued on and on. Here is yet another.

Once again, here is the screenshot from the current version of twitter.

The Larries really did harass him that day. He continues on. 

Love how he called the theory of Larry “rubbish.” Now here is the screenshot form the current version of Twitter.

Then one fucking idiot said believing in Larry was an opinion, and Stan was wrong even though he has known Louis for years. He replied to her as well.

Now the current screenshot.

One again, he replied to a Larrie. This time it included Harry.

I could not find the tweet to take a current screenshot when I searched for it. I didn’t scroll through his account. I don’t know if it was deleted or not, but it was real. There are many quoted tweets from it on the same day and time.

In the next one, he tells a Larrie how crazy her theory is.

Then he continues to tell Larries that Louis is straight because they are STILL NOT GETTING IT.

Once again, he sets Larries straight on the difference between a fact and an opinion.

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Max Hurd

Max Hurd is one of Eleanor’s best friends. As far as I can tell, she has known him before she met Louis or around the same time.

On September 9, 2012, a Larrie harassed him by calling Eleanor a beard. He had the following conversation with them.

If you don’t believe this happened, feel free to search up the tweets. They are still there and ver underrated. Almost no one even noticed this conversation.

Next one. On February 27, 2014, Max again replied to a Larrie who assumed Eleanor was his girlfriend. Apparently, if you are a girl and a boy, you can’t be friends without people thinking you’re fucking. He replied with this:

Again, this got barely any attention. I wonder why. Once again, feel free to search up the tweets. They are still there.

Now let’s move on to Max’s Instagram comments. I will first post a screenshot of the picture the comments are located on, so those who want to look them up themselves can. Then I will post a screenshot of the comment he replied to and his reply.

Yes, this is his real Instagram. He has had it forever, and he is constantly uploading new pictures.

These screenshots confirm Elounor more than deny Larry, but just wait, those are coming up.

I like how he added the, “Deluded, weird, blocked,” at the end there.

These are really funny to me because the whole Gretchen and Tina thing is beyond hilarious.

Anyways, again, he does not have to say “Larry isn’t real” to tell you the same thing. Also, he only confirms Elounor once again. How many times has he done that so far?

“I am not going to answer any of your larry bullshit because I actually cannot get my head around how screwed up and cruel you are to accuse my friend of being hired to be someone’s girlfriend.”

“You need to open your eyes and stop seeing what you want to see and realize what is actually there. Which is a long term relationship between two people who love each other."

”…so piece together some weird fantasy for yourself"

Larries, look up the word fantasy if you don’t understand how this is a denial.

Next.

All of these started because Larries continued to harass Max about “Gretchen” and “Tina” even though he has already addressed it.

Max comments “Y'all need Jesus,” so a Larry Shipper comments, “Max needs to get dick out his ass and be more mature and Jesus isn’t real so no one needs him.”

Max then replies with, “Neither is 'Larry’ so you need to find a different obsession to waste your life on.”

DID YOU READ THAT, LARRiES? He just told you Larry isn’t real without using those words. Stop using your bullshit excuse of needing those three words in the same order.

Last one, finally.

Before anyone loses their shit, he did mentioned the girl again and apologized for the “Die in a hole you fucking peasant” part.

Anyways, he again does not say the exact words, “Larry isn’t real” but I think, “something that is as real as the tooth fairy” is descriptive enough for Larries to get the point.

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Sasha Malik

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Julian Bunetta

Julian is one of the boys’ songwriters and producers.

No, he does NOT work for Modest. He would work under the label.

Yes, this is his twitter.

No, he is not verified, but the boys have mentioned him in tweets before.

In the first screenshot, a fan is annoying Julian with questions as to whether Larry is real or not. He replied:

This is a perfect example of something I said at the beginning of the post.

No, he did not say “Larry isn’t real”, however he said it in a different way. You guys do realize what the word “imaginary” means, correct?

Also, if Larry was real, he would not have responded. He has no obligation to reply to fans on Twitter. He gets tons of questions, especially when he begins answering many fans at once. He did NOT have to answer, but he choose to. I wonder why.

This tweet is still there, you can look it up if you would like.

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Simon Jones of Hackford Jones PR

I could not find exactly what Simon’s job title is. He definitely works at HJPR, he might even own it since his last name is in the company’s name. Regardless, his role at the company is a very important one. On July 19, 2014 he tweeted this:

I wanted to verify the fact that this company represents One Direction. The screenshot below is from their website. I highlighted the part that says they do in fact represent the boys.

No, this is not a denial of Elounor or Larry, but it is a denial that the company has even purposely fabricated a relationship. That would include Elounor, Zerrie, Sophiam, Haylor, and so on.

Also, I found this on their website. It’s a testimonial from Modest Management.

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Fizzy’s Best Friend, Tasha

This happened only a few days ago, feel free to look it up. It is real.

Before you start questioning if this account is real, it is. Her Ask in linked to her Instagram, which Fizzy follows.

If you are a Larrie, before you lose your shit, she later said she knew Larry didn’t actually destroy their friendship. However, it still did affect it.

I don’t want to hear how Fizzy’s best friend wouldn’t know anything. My best friend knows everything about my life. When I am talking about shit that pisses me off, she is there to listen. I’m sure it is the same way with Fizzy.

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Gemma Styles

No, this is not a direct denial. However, I do think it is telling of what Gemma thinks of Larry. Remember, she did not need to reply to this. She has fans tweeting her tons of things, and she is not obligated to reply to any of it. She choose to reply to this, and it was probably to deny the ridiculous rumor that she was “hinting” Larry was real. Notice how all their proof is assumptions that they believe are hints?

[Added Aug 2017]

But Larries can’t have nice things, so it was a matter of time really for Gemma to end up denying Larry. It was on Tumblr after she received this ask:

It’s been since then deleted, but that doesn’t take her words back. People that believe in Larry are a WASTE.

The next one is not a proper Larry denial, but more like the first example. Around week after Freddie Tomlinson was born Gemma liked this on IG:

Larries immediately took it as a sign, claimed she was shading “babygate,” and that it meant the denial of Freddie being Louis’ son was coming SOON (yeah, they always say that.) Of course nothing happened, and asked to clarify Gemma said this:

The mentality that implies that everything is connected to the thing that matters to them is actually a trait of conspiracy theorists’ mentality. Anyway, as we all know, “babygate” didn’t “end”, thus this became another sort of Larry denial, and proof that the family of the boys are pretty aware of how Larries work. She got to hear a couple of more complaints about it.

More recently, in 2016, Gemma posted a picture of a graffiti on IG:

Even if in the graffiti both human forms have blue eyes, some Larries jumped in, claiming that it proved Larry. Again, everything is about them and Larry, even if it’s Gemma’s IG and she has, like, HER OWN LIFE.

Yes. See the green and blue hearts so characteristic of the larriedom, and Gemma’s reaction. Sadly, instead of backing off at her reply that the post had nothing to do with Larry, they went after her and called her ableist, just because she dared to deny Larry. One moment they love you, the next one they hate you.

There’s no winning with these people. All we can do is wonder when the next denial will come.

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Keith Tomlinson

Before you begin questioning if his account is real, it is. No, Louis does not follow him. However, other family members do, and he has posted never before seen pictures of Louis and himself.

I really don’t give a shit if you don’t consider him as Louis’ real grandfather anymore just because he was only his grandfather by marriage. Louis grew up with him. You don’t need to be related by blood to consider someone as family, that’s just fucking stupid.

Louis visits him often. He denies Larry. Get the fuck over it. Stop making excuses for it.

Remember, this post is of denials of Larry and confirmations of Elounor. Keith confirmed Eleanor with the very obvious, “Goodnight disbelievers” to all the Larries out there.

Go ahead, search it up to verify it’s real if you need to.

This next one is not a denial of Larry or a confirmation of Elounor, however, I thought I would add it in here to show the frustration with Larries.

Keith has absolutely no chill with Larries. (Personally, I think it was not necessary, but I think it’s just really frustrating to family and friend of especially Louis.)

Again, search it up on Twitter to verify it is real.

Keith literally has zero chill.

[Added: Feb, 2017.]

Keith passed away early 2016. He had a last quarrel with a Larrie who was spamming a tweet of Harry about a terrorist attack with “Larry is real:”

Keith wasn’t here for the disrespect and lack of boundaries. And neither should you.

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Lottie Tomlinson

It isn’t even funny anymore. I honestly don’t know why some Larries continue to harass Lottie.

There was so much drama in the fandom when this happened, oh my gosh. Eleanor also commented, but we are just focusing on Lottie.

Yes, I know this is not a direct denial of Larry. however, like I said before, they do not need to say, “Larry isn’t real” to portray the same message.

I think “SHUT UP YOU DELUDED F R E A K S” and “Sit down and shut up because you people do not know A THING” will suffice. Next.

This screenshot is from when Lottie accidentally favorited a gif of Harry and Louis with the caption, “boyfriends”.

Of course, all the Larries lost their shit and seemed to have completely forgotten about the time she called them deluded freaks.

Lottie quickly un-favorited it and tweeted that. She deleted the tweet minutes after she posted it. You can search up the tweet and see a bunch of quoted tweets on the same day and time to verify it was real.

No, this isn’t a denial. However, she did tell Larries to go away and she admitted it was a mistake.

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Fizzy Tomlinson

The first one I have is from when Fizzy did a Twitcam with her friend.

Fizzy did a twitcam in June of 2012. During it, she talks about Louis’ sexuality.

She says, “I don’t say it’s a bad thing to be gay. It’s just kind of rude to me because I know he’s not gay, and you’re all just like ‘No, your brother’s gay.’ Like, no he isn’t. Shut up.”

She then reads a comment that says, “Louis is clearly gay,” to which she replies, “He has a girlfriend!” (It is cut off).

You can watch it HERE.

Yes, I know. She only said he isn’t gay, and I can hear Larries say, “He doesn’t have to be gay for Larry to be real.” You are right.

However, Fizzy did confirm his relationship with Eleanor. I do know one can have a girlfriend, yet still be interested in men too. However, one cannot be in a relationship with his best friend and girlfriend at the same time.

Next.

I went through Fizzy’s Ask.FM. I did not scroll all the way to her very first answer because I found plenty before than. There are tons, and some of them (about Eleanor specifically) I did not add because it was not directly about Elounor or Larry.

Keep in mind. Fizzy gets tons of questions all the time. It’s her choice on which ones she wants to reply to. She clearly wanted to reply to this for a reason.

Let’s begin the long list of answers. They are not exactly in order.

The link was to the clip where Harry grabs Louis and kisses him on the cheek during an interview. Fizzy replied with, “Do you think if he was being serious he would do that in the middle of an interview?”

“Larry isn’t real but ship what you want,” THERE YOU GO LARRIES. THERE ARE THE THREE WORDS YOU ACTUALLY DON’T WANT TO HEAR.

This is something I always say when family members or friends deny Larry. It is ridiculous to say they are lying when they would just avoid answering at all.

“He doesn’t hate you, just your ship.”

“No, it isn’t.”

“Yes, Elounor is true love, and Larry is fake,” There you go, once again.

“You just see what you want to see,” HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I SAID THIS? YOU GO, FIZZY!

“If Larry was real, I would ship it but it’s not so I don’t haha"

Well, that was simple. 

Simple answer.

There is most likely even more than just these. I only search back a little over a year and a half.

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Niall and Josh

During a Twitcam from over two years ago, Josh was reading comments on the Twitcam he was doing will Niall.

One comment talked about Zayn and Liam’s ship name, which is Ziam. Josh then realized what Larry was. Niall says, "Alright yeah,” with a very dead pan face. They then begin talking about something else. Niall reads a comment that asks if Larry is real. As soon as he reads the comment out loud, he shakes his head and flips his hand as if to show he is annoyed. Josh then says, “I’m pretty sure Larry isn’t real, guys,” while Niall laughs.

I find this funny. This was only a few months after the first bullshit tweets. Niall is clearly like, “Do they not get it…?"

Josh did not even know what "Larry Stylinson” was. Wow! It must be soOOooOOO real.

If you read the comment sections, it is full of Larries who say Niall could have flat out said no, but he didn’t. Honestly, his reaction was telling enough, but I understand where they are coming from.

The whole, “If Larry isn’t read, why haven’t they denied it,” thing, is a different story for a different post I have in the works.

Whether you think Niall’s reaction was a denial or not, Josh denies it too.

You can watch it yourself HERE.—————————————————————————————————

Liam

I LIVE for Liam’s denials of Larry. Let’s begin.

The following picture is an old screenshot. In the current screenshot, it won’t show the tweet Liam replied to. I posted both so you could see what he replied to and see that the tweet is still there. You can still search for the tweet and find it.

The next picture is the current screenshot.

Next.

No, he didn’t deny Larry as a whole, but I don’t want to miss anything. So many people don’t even know most of these things in this post happened.

Next.

Yes, I know screenshots of DMs from either Instagram or Twitter can be faked. I almost never trust any DMs because they are faked quite often.

However, this one was real. The girl who Liam messaged back took a video of his DM and posted it on her Instagram. Her Instagram is now private, but I found someone else who took her video and posted it in their account.

If you are going to say videos like hers can be faked, please show me your receipts. I have NEVER found any. I have had many Larries act like know-it-all-shits and then go ghost when I ask for proof.

The DM is real. Next.

Once again, I would not trust this DM unless the girl had a video, which she did.

The link to the proof that the DM was real is HERE. 

Let me explain what happened with this DM because many people were confused. This girl (@rtsophiam) was followed by Liam and Sophia. She had messaged Liam, asking if Larry was real or not. He unfollowed her. He then, being the kind hearted boy he is, re-followed her and messaged her that.

You can go check. She still has her Liam follow and she had it before the DM incident occurred.

Now, I know Larries were only say it was Modest. That will be their excuse for these DMs. Let me remind you of Liam’s tweets the same night this happened.

His tweets sound exactly like Liam. Go look up all of his tweets from October 2, 2014.

Also, notice his tweets about crazy DMs that are either fun, shocking, or strange? Hm. I wonder what DM he is referring to.

Lastly, during an interview, when asked to explain what Larry is, Liam said, “He’s imaginary.”

Again, do I need to write the definition of imaginary for you, Larries?

[Added: Feb, 2017.]

On his solo interview for Attitude Magazine (Sept 2015,) Liam had some words for the Larries, concerning Larry and Louis’ impending parenthood:

“People think of the Louis and Harry thing [that they’re secret lovers,] which is nuts and drives me insane.” The idea of Larry is, according to Liam, “nuts.” But he goes forward and call the Larries a “conspiracy” and a “cult,” telling that people make every gesture [of Louis and Harry] about them being together, and he knows “it’s not true” and it makes him “mad.” He knows “what’s what” [he understands the inner jokes and gestures] but has to hear “all these crazy theories.” 

“I get tagged in drawings of Louis and Harry being together.” The 4th wall is broken. Well done, Larries. This is not fandom; this is not support. This is, as Liam says in his comparison, a conspiracy theory: “Imagine you’re the man who lands on the moon and you come back home to hear some people saying you didn’t.” Put yourself in these people’s shoes for once and imagine how it would be having people denying part or the whole of your existence. Liam stated Larry is not real and compared you, Larries, with conspiracists and cult people. He also stated that Louis was happy to become a dad, as he’s been for over a year now. When will you get the cue that your invasiveness is not welcomed?

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[Added: Feb, 2017.]

Zayn

In the interview he gave to the Fader in 2015, Zayn had the chance to talk about some of his experiences in One Direction. The conversation quickly moved to the fans’ culture.

Talking about shipping culture and fan theories Zayn stated:

“There’s no secret relationships going on with any of the band members.” This is a direct quote from Zayn, that established that Larry (or any of the other ships, even those not majorly tinhatted, like his own ship with Liam) is not real. But he goes further and says the fan theories had an effect in the way the boys behave in public: “It’s not funny, and it still continues to be quite hard for them. They won’t naturally go put their arm around each other because they’re conscious of this thing that’s going on, which is not even true. They won’t do that natural behavior.” It’s not the gay rumors that affected Larry’s public bond, but the constant harassment and invasiveness, the fact that there are tons of denials and people still spams every single post of the boys (and friends and family) with Larry’s claims. It’s the same Liam said for Attitude, it’s the constant watching and interpretation that exhausted them; in Zayn’s own words: “knowing that everything you do will be parsed for subtext is a terrible mindfuck.” Congratulation, Larries, you played yourselves and ruined Larry for the world.

—————————————————————————————————

Louis 

[Reorganized Aug 2017]

16/09/2012: Bullshit 1.0

Louis calls Larry’s theories conspiracies, and implies that the people involved in it aren’t lovely. He also addresses how those people give the fandom a bad name, thing that’s been proven to be a massive issue intra fandom and with media and GP’s perception of it and fannish behavior. He also refers to Larry as the “biggest load of bullshit.” The impact and following tantrum was so big that, to be able to cope Larries called the episode “bullshit 1.0,” because even if it should have ended that very day, they carried on, leaving room for even more denials left and right, and “bullshit 2.0.” 

As I said, Larries got so defensive they ended up attacking Jay because, as always, she dared to speak up for her son and his girlfriend. Louis had to return and address the harassment again. His mother, people.

The issue ended that day with Louis making clear that HE DOESN’T CONSIDER LARRIES REAL FANS, and that any claim about anyone else but himself tweeting was inaccurate (sounds like he knew already the kind of theories he was dealing with):

Sept 2012: Chatty Man’s denial is reported in this article. The words quoted directly from Louis are consistent with everything Louis’ said on the matter to this day, that Larry makes things difficult for Harry and him, and that it’s disrespectful to his girlfriend.

“I just think it's really degrading towards her,” he explained, mentioning Eleanor again. What's most fascinating is that he admitted that he'd known about the pairing for a while, but that after a while it became more taxing than fun: “This is a subject that was funny at first but now is actually hard to deal with, as I am in relationship. Me and Harry are best friends. People look into our every move—it is actually affecting the way me and Harry are in public.”

Oct 2012: Louis calls Larry Stylinson “a conspiracy of fanfiction.” When Unreality TV asked about Larry rumors, Louis said:

There’s also a recorded interview with thehothits.com around the same period of time of Louis talking about the matter HERE. I leave you a transcription:

“I’m sure if you follow me on Twitter, you’ll know that every now and again I’m quite outspoken. I think it’s important to speak your mind, and I’ve had a few rants recently. You know, people who have been horrible to my girlfriend Eleanor and to my mum, and I just don’t think people should be able to get away with it. I don’t go to bed and worry about it, I just think that people if they want to be like that, should be put in their place.”

We know you’ve been working on it, sweetie, but these people are so self-absorbed and selfish they don’t listen to anyone but themselves.

Nov 2013: Louis called Larry “a fucking annoyance.” Talking about fan theories and conspiracy theories, Zayn and Louis went off:

Looks like someone was pretty tired. You can read the whole interview HERE.

Do I really need to look up the words conspiracy and fiction for Laries to get the point? 

21/07/2017: Louis denies Larry in an interview with The Sun. You can watch the video HERE (starts at 00:31.)

After relating the phenomenon to conspiracy theories, Louis states that “obviously there’s there’s not truth to it” [Larry’s conspiracy theory] glancing directly into the camera (like Larries always dreamed about) around 01:05. If there’re still doubts about it, or you don’t want to watch it, here are the gifs made by @slowhandsmp3:

And again a transcription:

Dan Wootton: Can you tell me what your view is on these people who are obsessed by a “Larry” conspiracy?

LOUIS: I’ve never actually been asked about it directly. It’s a funny thing. People can believe what they want to believe. It comes across as a little bit disrespectful to the ones that I love, like Eleanor. It’s like anything, if you google a conspiracy on iPhones, you’re gonna get a conspiracy. It’s one of those things people love to buy into, but in reality, obviously there’s no truth to it, obviously.

The same day The Sun published an exclusive interview where Louis went deeper in the issue:

“Louis and Harry’s friendship was also dogged by a ridiculous five-year conspiracy by a group of determined fans known as Larries.

They believe that the pair are in a romantic relationship that was covered up by 1D management, SIMON COWELL and even me (I promise you I’d have been delighted to report that Harry and Louis were an item if that were the case).

Sadly, Louis admits the pressure from Larry conspiracy theorists was a factor in their friendship struggling, especially given the serious relationship he has with girlfriend Eleanor Calder.He says: “I’ve never actually been asked about it directly. It’s a funny thing.“

"It kind of happened naturally for me and Harry because a certain amount of the fans drew up this conspiracy.

"When it first came around I was with Eleanor, and it actually felt a little bit disrespectful to Eleanor, who is my girlfriend now.

“I’m so protective over things like that, about the people I love. So it created this atmosphere between the two of us where everyone was looking into everything we did.

“It took away the vibe you get off anyone. It made everything, I think on both fences, a little bit more unapproachable. I think it shows that it was never anything real, if I can use that word.”

Louis again refers to Larry’s fan theories as conspiracy theories, and blames the fans involved in these behaviors (again called disrespectful) for the public, notorious separation that happened between him and Harry. This is consistent with the things expressed by Louis throughout the years, and also Zayn, for instance, who claimed fans made impossible for Harry and Louis to be spontaneous and physical with each other while in public. So congratulations, Larries, yet another confirmation that you killed what you loved the most.

31/07/2017: Louis’ denial of Larry Stylinson in an interview with Andy Cohen. As the media picked up The Sun exclusive, Louis was asked again about it, now in USA soil. No more excuses, Larries. Louis want to shut down these theories once and for all.

You can listen to the actual audio with words coming out of Louis’ mouth HERE.

Transcription HERE, but here’s a caption:

Not fans. Not anything, but “these people.” That’s how Louis refers to the people that come up with conspiracies about him. It’s over, people. You are not Louis’ fans if you deny his real relationship and his son. He warned you in 2012. Nothing really new to it. Just more denial coming up from the Larries. As Harry would say, SAD.

—————————————————————————————————

Harry

[Reorganized Aug 2017]

During an interview for 60 minutes Australia, the interviewer tells Harry, “Look, Harry. I’ve got to ask you about this one. This is Famous magazine. This says you and Louis are a couple. There’s pictures of you kissing!”

Liam, Niall, and Harry begin explaining that the pictures are photoshopped and that it has happened to all of the boys.

She then asks Harry, “Oh, really? So you and Louis, there is nothing going on?”

Harry replies with a simple, “NO.“ Yes, Larries, hold on. I’ve heard all of your excuses, and I will address them. But first see it for yourselves, I swear it doesn’t bite:

Before you say, "Harry had to lean into to make sure they didn’t have actual pictures of them kissing,” let’s talk about the interview where they asked if Harry was having an affair with Obama.

Looks pretty similar to his reaction in the Australian interview, doesn’t it? So, is Harry fucking Obama too? Of course not. If you go up to anyone, claiming to have pictures of them kissing their best friend, they are going to look. It’s just a natural reaction. Keep making excuses.

Also related to this same interview, Larries spread the lie that there is a picture of Harry crying from right after this interview.

NO, THERE IS NOT.

The picture Larries spread around claiming to be of Harry crying are from a completely different interview where he has been sick for a few days. The exact same shot is at 9:13, and it is actually of Harry and Niall laughing. It is not a picture of Niall comforting Harry because he was crying. You can check it for yourselves HERE.

See how deceiving pictures (and Larries) can be?

Let’s move on. Larries don’t acknowledge this denial, and they thought they were lucky enough not to go through the same again due to Harry’s reluctance to talk about his personal life. It was a gift that kept giving until it stopped. It happened again. 

In April 2016, a Venezuelan fan asked Harry is Larry was real while facetiming and he said “NO.” It was referred through Twitter by user @kingcasique_ and reported by media in at least this video:

Sadly, these tweets happened between Victoria, the girl that chatted with Harry, and her friend [I can’t provide a link because the girl has been suspended on Twitter]:

These types of implications are NOT acceptable. NO means NO.

Troubles continued for Larries, because life’s a b*tch for them, since during the promo of his solo career (May/June of 2017,) in which Harry remarked again and again how honest his album was, he was asked if his solo song “Sweet Creature” was about Louis.

So Harry denied Larry again, stating that he would “lean toward NO” in the subject of the song being about Louis. Listen to his reply (starting to speak quite upset) at 00:10:

Teen Vogue picked it up and you can read the article HERE. But here’s a transcription of the statement for everyone to acknowledge it.

“Lean toward NO” is as much as a categorical statement as a single NO. The word NO is right there. And you respect the word NO, because NO means NO.

Asked about the fan theory a second time in USA Today, Harry said “Oh, is that a thing?," completely snubbing the rumors. And went further: “Well, whatever it is that it makes one feel. But I think if you listen to the lyrics, you can work out what it’s about.” Oh, Harry, you unlucky bastard. You have a tendency to catch hay fever and Larries.

—————————————————————————————————

Louis and Harry

[Added Feb 2017]

HERE is one of the first interviews in which Louis and Harry casually dismiss the rumors about Larry being a romance (the one of the “genuinely believe.”) There’s a politeness, a clear intention not to create drama with the denial, because at the time rumors were just starting to get fueled, but they still weren’t a proper conspiracy theory, as Louis would refer later when talking about Larry. It wasn’t the only time the issue was addressed in a relaxed manner, trying to shut down rumors, but with an intention not to alienate the fans. And here’s another:

This is what the YouTube poster of the video wrote as a caption:

“I ship Larry, honest I think they are so cute and I would love them to be together... but if they say that its not true, that it is annoying them, going too far or that they are happy with their girlfriends then as fans we should respect that and let them live their lives. If they aren't gay then it will upset them and their girlfriends, and if they are then its obvious that they can't or don't want to talk about it so really either way shoving your opinions in their faces and their family and friends faces doesn't help. I'm not saying you don't have a right to think that or have an opinion, but sometimes you might want to think about who its affecting and respect what they are telling you, whether you believe it or not.”

Enough said.

—————————————————————————————————

Alright. I think I have gotten most of the ones I could find.

I figured I would actually discuss them more in depth since I can kind of predict what Larries will say about it.

First of, yes I do realize people can lie. However, people do not go so far to call Larries vile, deluded freaks, fake fans, disbelievers, deranged, stupid, a lost cause, bitter, lonely, and fucking peasants. They would also not go so far to call the theory of Larry strange, ludicrous, bullshit, weird, as real as the tooth fairy, a fantasy, imaginary, fan fiction, rubbish, and a wasted obsession. (I personally do not believe everything said about Larries was necessarily appropriate, but it happened.)

Like I have said before, if they didn’t want to out Larry, there was no reason to lie. It can simple be avoided.

Second of all, if you believe their family and friends are under contract, go ahead and read these posts: 

Larries’ Contract Theories I

Larries’ Contract Theories II

It is not only about Harry and Louis, but that Act protects their loved ones as well.

Also, like I said before, these are all people who have known Harry and Louis all their lives or are very good friends or are people they work with. These are not random people who claim to have met Louis and claim to have been told that he hates Larry or that Elounor is real.

I find it really doubtful that these people would not know the truth, and I think if you are telling yourself that, you need to really think about that.

[Added Aug 2017]

After reading all this, there’s no denial that the only constant in the seven-year-long 1D history has been these people denying the existence of a romantic relationship between Louis and Harry. And I’d dare to say that the only constant in the 1D fandom has been the abuse and harassment they have subjected these persons to because of it.

WORDS MATTER. RESPECT THESE PEOPLE’S WORDS. RESPECT THEIR TRUTH. STOP THE DISRESPECT AND THE ENTITLEMENT.

[hamilkilo]

Ardently

Prompt: ANONYMOUS: Request for hamilsquad x reader where one of them meets the reader at a coffee shop and kinda flirts with her asking her out and then tells her about the open relation ship a few weeks into there relationship and asked them if they would like to join them and the reader is really shy and has horrible social anxiety and is really worried about messing everything up (because this is aka me 24/7) Pairing: Mostly John Laurens X Reader, but also Poly!Hamilsquad X Reader TW: angst, drama, mild swearing, mentions of bigotry and intolerance, drama, self depreciating thoughts, social anxiety A/N: Hey guys! I’m really excited about this piece! I’m sorry for any typos; I pulled an all nighter to write this, so my brain is a bit fuzzy. I really hope y'all enjoy this! I did my best! If you want me to tag anything, please let me know! I want you to feel safe when reading my work! I love y'all so much!!!! Please enjoy! Word Count: 10755

You liked to live by your aesthetics. You went to used book stores downtown, took polaroids of old buildings, went out of your way to a quaint little coffee shop for the feel of it. After you had gone to the bookshop, it was a habit of yours to go to the coffee shop, buy a warm drink, and read your book at a table near the window. You usually made the trip on a rainy day, for the aesthetic. You used old Polaroids as bookmarks and you wrote comments or thoughts in the margins of your book with a pink pen. The light chatter of background noise was soothing as you reread one of the Jane Austen’s. It was your first copy, therefore the most beaten up. You had always been a romantic, probably for the aesthetic. Which came first? Did your aesthetics extend from your romanticism, or did the romanticism stem from your aesthetics? It didn’t matter. All that mattered was that you loved the idea of love. You were deeply engrossed in your book when you heard the sound of the chair across from you being pulled out. Someone sat down, but you buried your nose in the book. What would Elizabeth do? Would she accept Mr. Darcy’s love? Of course, you knew the answer, but you read the book each time like you had no idea. You just hoped that your guest would get the hint and leave you to read. “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice that you’re reading Pride and Prejudice,” a smooth voice commented, and you glanced up at the boy. Your breath caught when you saw how cute he was with his curls and freckles. You almost shoved your nose into the spine of the book in nervousness. You knew you should probably say something, but you didn’t wanna mess it up. What if you accidentally offended him? “Um, Yeah?” You managed to squeak out, and the guy smiled. He leaned closer, as if to get a peak at your face, but you were quick to bring the book back up. You fiddled with one of your polaroids to calm yourself. “I think Mr. Darcy is a pompous prick that nowhere near deserves someone as well thought and versed as Elizabeth,” the boy stated bravely, and your switch flipped. You didn’t know how to talk to strangers about the weather, but you knew how to talk books, especially if you were defending one of your favorite romances.

“Excuse me, sir, but I’d have to disagree with you. Your judgement is clouded by main character infatuation. As readers, we have the bad habit to believe that the protagonist is the hero, a do-gooder. Elizabeth wasn’t! She was harshly judgmental of her own family and quick to damn everyone else. While she wasn’t as upfront about it as Miss Bingley, she wasn’t exactly discreet about it. You’d have to be brick stupid not to see how she and Mr. Darcy are horridly wonderful for each other. They’re both horrible, judgmental people with ridiculous prejudices and even worse pride. They were made for each other!” You narrowed your eyes at him while he stared at you. Your cheeks were bright red from your outburst, your heart hammering. You could not believe you just did that. He just shared his opinion! You didn’t have to go ahead and give him an essay! This wasn’t literature and composition! You bit your lip and slowly brought your book back up, but his hand caught the top of it. You glanced down at his hand, then back up at him. “Dare I say, but you sound like Elizabeth. Passing judgment on them would make you just the same as her, right?” He asked softly, and you scoffed. “It’s human to judge, just like its human to be ugly and horrible to each other,” you dismissed, tugging on your book to no avail. “That’s a rather dreary outlook on life. Surely not everyone is as bad? You don’t seem ugly,” he smiled at you at his last comment, and you felt your face heat. “I haven’t met anyone capable of proving me different,” you countered, and he smirked. “Darlin’,” he drawled, and you melted. “You’ve been meeting the wrong people.” You laughed out loud, “And who would you call right people?” “I dunno,” he glanced around the coffee shop, then back at you. “I know a few.” “Uh huh,” you sassed, giving up on the book and placing a Polaroid in your spot. You closed the book, almost on his hand, and he grinned at you. “There’s the little bookworm, coming out to greet the world,” he teased in a weird voice, and you crinkled your nose. “No, I can’t read when your enormous hand is covering the page and weighing down my book,” you replied with a faux annoyance. “Why read about adventures when you can live them?” The boy asked as he reclined back in his seat and gazed at you. You tugged on the end of your scarf anxiously. “Books are better than people,” you stated simply, and he shrugged. “You’ve picked up the right books and wrong people,” he restated his previous claim, and you rolled your eyes. “Well, you go out there and find the right people, write a book about it, send it to the coffee shop, and I’ll read it,” you tried to sound frigid, but the boy saw right through that. He was determined. “I think you’re afraid,” he accused casually, and you went straight into RBF. “Afraid?” Your voice was monotone. “Yeah, I think you’re afraid of the adventure out there. You’re afraid of the Miss Bingleys, Janes, and Mr. Darcys. You’re afraid to get your heart broken. You’re afraid to love and be loved,” he took a breath like was about to go on, but you interrupted. “Who do you think you are? Dr. Phil? Oprah? You don’t even know me! Don’t go psychoanalyzing me!” You were only defensive because you knew he was right. Only you weren’t afraid, you were petrified. You liked books because the dialog was there. With books, you didn’t risk saying something wrong. You didn’t risk messing anything up. Books were safe. “It’s alright, sugar. It was just a hunch. I’m sorry I got you worked up,” he reached out and patted your hand soothingly, and your breath caught. He was so cute. He was talking to you. And you yelled at him. Oh boy. How had he not flipped yet? Somehow, you still couldn’t stop yourself, “You’re worse than Mr. Darcy.” The boy paused, then began to laugh. He chortled like there was no tomorrow. It got to the point where he was downright cackling. “That may be true,” he stared once he had sobered up, “But I think you’d make a wonderful Elizabeth, and I mean that as a compliment.” Your cheeks tinged, and you reached for your book, but you bumped his hand instead, and he carefully entwined his fingers around yours. “If you want,” he murmured as he traced his thumb across your knuckles, “I could introduce you to the people I was talking about.” You bit your lip, unsure. He was nice, but he know how to get a bustle in your hedgerow. You glanced at him and remembered what he had said about fear, then you found yourself nodding. “Great! Let me get your number, and I’ll set it up!” He beamed at you, and you bit your lip. You could have just put your number into his phone, but you lived for your aesthetics, and you wrote your number on the back of a black and white Polaroid of you against a brick wall before you gave it to him. With another shy smile tossed over your shoulder at him, you hurried from the shop. Hopefully, he’d lose your number. You’d embarrassed yourself enough for a lifetime.

Sadly, he did not lose your number. A few hours later, he had texted you. “Hey, Elizabeth,” was his cheeky greeting, but despite your heated embarrassment, you found yourself grinning. You felt like a school girl. You saved his contact in your phone as Mr. Darcy, nailing down the pompous prick part of his personality. “I’m sorry for yelling at you earlier,” you began to type, but you bit your lip and reconsidered. Then, you deleted it all and typed up a different message. “Hey.” Short and simple, was it too short? You grimaced as you hit send. You were such an idiot. You wished you were half as quick witted and good with words as Elizabeth. Your phone buzzed, and you found yourself grinning when you saw it was from Mr. Darcy. “So no one is available to actually hang out until about a month from today. For some reason, Eliza likes to plan things week in advance, which also ties up her girlfriend, Maria. I figured you’d like them most. They remind me of Jane.” You rolled your eyes. If only your high school English teacher could see you now. You were doing text to world connections. She’d be so proud. Somewhat relieved that you didn’t have to meet anyone any time soon, you feigned disappointment in your text, trying not to be rude. “That sucks! I was so looking forward to meeting the right people.” Right people. Jeez, this guy was way more arrogant than Mr. Darcy could even aspire to be. But he was also wayyy cuter than any of the Mr. Darcy’s you’d ever seen in the movies. “If you want, we can hang out next Friday night. I can take you to a club my friend works at!” When you read that message, you frowned. Dang. You faked your disappointment too well. You could always fake being sick, but you didn’t want to be rude, especially since he was making so much effort to be nice. “Okay,” you replied, keeping it short. You had found that the shorter the replies, the littler room for error. He didn’t respond right away. You weren’t sure how long had passed, only that you had read another thirty pages into your book when your phone buzzed. “So when you aren’t playing English teacher with some stranger at a cafe, what are you doing?” You felt embarrassment course through you. You were so lame. He was right. Ugh, you wished the ground would swallow you up. You had probably just single handedly destroyed any chance you had with another hot guy by being a huge nerd. You knew you had to reply though. “Drugs.” Before you could stop yourself, you hit send. You turned your phone off right after, trying to stop the message from sending, to no avail. You buried your head in your hands. Cheese and rice, you were so lame! And weird! He probably thinks you’re some crazy coke whore! “Just kidding!” You quickly typed. “I’m usually reading, writing, listening to music… How about you?” Jeez, is that all you did? You really needed to get out more. His response was quick. “Drugs!” Was he teasing you? Was he making fun of how stupid you were? Maybe you should change your phone number and move to Chicago or something? Maybe Antarctica? Yeah, that sounds good. Talk to the penguins, cry, live in an igloo. That’s a good plan. “You’re cute! Actually, I’m usually hanging around my boys. It’s almost a full house here, and we’re always getting into stuff. I’ll have to introduce you to them at some point.” You quickly caught onto his personal life, and you directed the spotlight onto him. “Tell me about your boys. Are they right people?” You bit your lip as you waited, your book forgotten to the side. “Okay. There’s three of them, and we all live together. There’s Alex, who I met first. He’s always been my best friend. He’d like you a lot. He loves to argue. He’s a writer, and he always has an opinion on something. Then there’s the frenchiest fry, Marquis de Lafayette, but we all call him Laf. He’s a French foreign exchange student that just kept coming back. He’s actually on his residency here! He’s probably the best out of all of us. He has such a pure heart, always giving. Last, but definitely not least, is Herc. He actually owns a little boutique uptown. I’ll take you by there sometime, you’ll love it. He’s probably kept me out of jail a few times, tbh. All those drugs, yo.” You found yourself laughing as you read through his long text. It was odd; when he talked about his boys, he seemed so much more like a Jane than a Mr. Darcy. He was actually kinda sweet, and funny, and he made you smile. Look at you, a blushing school girl all over again. You spent the night texting him, smiling and blushing as he talked to you about all of his right people and you stuttering through your texts, typing and deleting, editing, reconsidering. But no matter what you said, he always had something funny and sweet to counter it with. You never scared him off, even though you felt like you had given him several reasons to run for the hills.

“Hey, Y/N, deep breaths, you’ve got this!” “No! I don’t! He’s so cute, and I’m such a nerd! I totally geeked in front of him! Ugh, I don’t even know his name! Why did I agree to this?!” You were pacing around your room, the phone pressed to your ear. You were supposed to meet your Mr. Darcy at the bar his friend owned in less than half an hour, but instead, you were freaking out. “You’re the cute kind of nerd! Don’t worry, it sounds like he likes you! And by the things you’ve been telling me, he sounds like he’s a huge nerd too! And besides, names are overrated! He’s going to love you. Just be yourself and give him the ol’ razzle dazzle!” “You just say that because you’re my mom,” you sighed, sitting on your bed and covering your face with your hand. “Honey, don’t worry about it, okay? Just go out and have fun! Be safe and call me when you get home! I want all the details! Now get off the phone and go live one of your books!” You tried to protest her, but she wouldn’t hear it. As soon as she hung up, your stomach twisted. You had put on one of your favorite dresses, your hair was up, your makeup was done, and you looked killer, so why did you feel so scared? You stood and smoothed your dress before taking a deep breath and leaving to meet him. You stuttered your way through a cab ride, fidgeting with the hem of your dress the entire time. When you actually made it to the club, your stomach dropped at how long the line was. There was no way you’d get in. This was a mistake. You turned to crawl back into the cab when you heard someone yelling. “Elizabeth! Wait, Miss Elizabeth!” You turned around, confused, then you realized it was Mr. Darcy. He was running towards you, trying to stop you from leaving so soon. You frowned; it was too late for you to pretend you hadn’t seen him and go on your merry way. He knew you saw him. You turned around slowly and gave him your most convincing smile. “Mr. Darcy,” you countered as he came to a stop in front of you. He grinned, somewhat out of breath. He looked rather cute with his curls pulled back smoothly, his blue sports coat, all the way down to his snazzy dress shoes. What a pompous, well dressed prick that made your heart flutter. Where were your books when you needed to hide? “You look beautiful,” he breathed, and you realized you’d been staring. Jeez, his freckles were wonderful. It was like your own galaxy to stare at. “Thanks, you do too,” you replied, half listening as you took him in. There was just so much to appreciate. It was only when you heard him giggle that you noticed your mistake. Was it even really a mistake? Beautiful. Huh. Guys were actually very beautiful, this one in particular held your fancy. “Thank you! I wish I got that compliment more often!” His smile was so enticing. You scolded yourself for being so easily distracted tonight. He held his elbow out to you. “Shall we?” You took his elbow with a shy smile, and you hesitantly followed him into the bar. He nodded at the bouncer, then carefully made his way towards the stairs at the back. “I’m taking you up to the higher level; it’s more private up there. We’ll be able to talk more. Maybe you can give me more opinions on Jane Austen,” he teased you as your heels clicked on the metal stairs. When you heard his words, you blushed and were so distracted that your heel slipped. He caught you quickly to prevent you from falling down in a fairly embarrassing manor. His hand was warm on your waist as he stabilized you, and suddenly, the air felt way too thick. “Whoa, careful there. Save the falling for when there’s a bed behind you, eh?” You scoffed and quickly pulled away, not because you were repulsed by the idea of being in bed with him, but because you weren’t repulsed by it. He laughed lightly as you took his elbow again and quickly continued up the stairs. When you got to the top, there was a door that he knocked on, and in what felt like seconds, it was opened to reveal a goddess. Cheese and rice, if you didn’t go to bed with Mr. Darcy, you might go with her. She was tall and sleek, her perfectly sculpted cheekbones and wonderfully dark skin made her look like a goddess. Her curly hair was loose around her shoulders, and her pink dress only made her look even better. Of course this guy was friends with her. Then your reader’s brain clicked. Was she his girlfriend? Was she his right person? What if it was all in your head, and you didn’t even have a chance with him to begin with? Cheese and rice, you felt ridiculous and naive. Who did you think you were? Some special little book worm that got to live their trashy fanfic dream? Wake up, y/n. This was real life. You didn’t get the dream boy or the perfect heroine. You got embarrassment for being such an optimistic idiot. “Y/N, this is my friend, Angelica. She owns the bar. She’s one of those right people I was telling you about,” Mr. Darcy explained as he led you into the room. It was better lit than the rest of the bar, the music wasn’t as obnoxious, and the seating looked way more comfortable. There was a wet bar in the corner with a few different snack bowls laid out. “Oh, is this the Elizabeth you would not shut up about?” Angelica teased as she went over to the bar and poured herself a vodka tonic. You blushed. So Mr. Darcy had talked about you? To her? An actual goddess? What did that mean? “Don’t embarrass me, Angelica!” He playfully scolded her as he sat down on the couch. You bit your lip before sitting down beside him with an ocean of space between you two. “You do that well enough on your own, Johnny,” she countered with a smirk before she threw back a shot. So his name was Johnny? John? Johnathan? Good ol’ Jimmy Jam? Why wouldn’t your brain just shut up and let you focus for two seconds tonight? “And what’ll you have, Miss Elizabeth?” She put air quotes around the name, and you smiled. Uhhh, you never really went out, especially not to a bar. The wildest place you usually went on a Friday night was to Walmart around 11 when you were craving ice cream. To be fair, Walmart past 10 pm was reasonably sketchy. You made a knee jerk reaction. You figured it was best to establish dominance. Maybe, if you intimidated them, they wouldn’t come after you. “Vodka, straight shot.” You could channel your wild college days of crying, shoveling ice cream, and swigging vodka out of the bottle with your room mates instead of working on your ten page paper due the next day while watching the Notebook. Angelica raised her eyebrows, but she didn’t question you. She just poured you a shot, poured Good Ol’ Jimmy Jam a glass of whiskey, and brought you both the drinks. As soon as your shot was in hand, you threw it back. It burned like you had just made out with an angry, firebreathing dragon. Cheese and rice, how did this not kill you in college? Were you dying right now? No matter how bad it felt, you didn’t cough. You held it together. Establish the dominance. Mr. Darcy chuckled in wonderment. “Wow, John. She might be able to hang with you and the boys shot for shot if y'all ever go out together,” Angelica mused. So his name was John. You glanced at him. That seemed fitting. He looked like a John. “I know! I was just thinking the same thing! You might even be able to keep up with Herc. Once he gets going, that guy is a machine!” John swirled his whiskey while he stared at your face. “Herc’s the one with the shop uptown, right?” You asked as you tried to remember which boy he was talking about. “Yeah! I think I’ll take you there next time!” He gushed, and he went on to say something else, but you weren’t paying attention. Did he say next time? Was he already planning on taking you out again? Why? You were probably the lamest person you’ve known. At some point, Angelica poured you another shot, and you threw it back. They had been talking about Herc’s shop uptown, a lot of stuff you didn’t get because you didn’t understand the background. “Wait, Wait, so if you’re here with John, then he probably never told you about the Taco Bell incident?” Angelica suddenly changed the topic, roping you back in. She was a really good hostess… to your dismay. “Don’t tell her about the Taco Bell incident!” John quickly protested, almost choking on his whiskey since he was in the middle of taking a swig when she brought it up. “She needs to know! Everyone needs to know-” “Angelica! Don’t! You swore you’d never tell anyone-” “Yeah, but that was before you introduced me to a girl! It’s a great party story! And besides,” she leaned close to you. She had seated herself in the arm chair adjacent to John. “It’s revenge for him talking smack about Pride and Prejudice.” You snickered at her comment, those shots of vodka already hitting you. “Angie, please,” he gave her the cutest look, and you felt your heart melt. Angelica looked unphased. “Those eyes might work on Alex, but you’ll have to work a whole lot harder than that to deter me. So anyways,” you found yourself leaning closer, eager to hear the story, while John slumped in defeat. “It was our senior year of high school and we were both in marching band. It was our last performance at our last competition, so it was kind of a big deal. Earlier that day, we stopped for lunch, and we had four separate options: Panera, McDonalds, Steak N Shake, or Taco Bell. I, like anyone with taste buds and half a brain, chose Panera, while John and Alexander chose Taco Bell. Now, I’ve known John for years, and he’s always been that kid. You know, the one that thinks it’d be a good idea to throw a hammer at a hornet’s nest, jump out of the tree house instead of taking the ladder, stuff like that. So this kid, being the genius he is, and with the encouragement from Alex, ate fifteen dollars worth of Taco Bell. So fast forward to later, our first performance is fine. We have dinner provided by the band moms; we laugh; we cry; it’s great. We’re all getting into uniform for finals, and we’re marching off to warm up, when Alex comes up to me asking if I’d seen John, and I’m like, no? He’s not even in my section! I’m a flute player! He’s a tuba! He’s not even in my jurisdiction! But Alex is worried sick, so I go off, and after half the band searching for him we find him, crying in a portapotty-” “I wasn’t crying. I was just, uh, the smell, it was making me tear up-” “Oh shut up, you were crying. We could hear your gross crying noises. Anyways, needless to say, he had to miss his last performance all because he thought $15 of Taco Bell was worth it.” Angelica was laughing towards the end, and you found yourself chuckling with her. John had his lips pressed into a thin line while you both ended up in hysterics. “Mr. Adams,” she panted through her laughter, “was so disappointed! He actually refuses to stop by Taco Bell on band trips anymore!” You roared with laughter again. “Yeah, haha, laugh it up,” John pouted, “I have stories on you, too, Angie-” He stopped talking when Angelica shot him a look. “Try it, Portapotty, I dare you!” You laughed so hard that your sides hurt.

You and Angelica were quick to become friends, and you quickly figured out that she wasn’t seeing John. You ended up actually texting her more than you had texted John, usually just nonsense and inside jokes. Yeah, you had inside jokes with her now. It had only been a few weeks, but you were already close friends. You had spent most of the night upstairs with Angelica and John, listening to funny stories and laughing until you almost passed out. It was the most fun you’d had in a long time. It was around two in the morning when Angelica had her driver take you home. John had offered to walk you home, but Angelica insisted. Angelica struck you as the mom friend. She was always there looking out for you. She went the extra distance to ensure your safety. At first, you’d thought of her as a Miss Darcy, or maybe a Jane, but neither of those did her justice. You eventually decided she was more like an Athena. As much as you hated to admit it, most books didn’t have female characters strong enough to do her justice, especially not your beloved classic novels. It was a quiet Friday night. You had been texting Angelica that day, and you had discussed your plans for that night. She was running her bar, and she invited you out, but you politely declined. You had recently bought a new book you were just dying to read. She understood. It was things like that that made it so easy to talk to her. Maybe John was right. Maybe she was right people. You missed John and her, but both of them had been busy the past few weeks, and when they weren’t, you were. It was around seven that night, and the sun had just set. You were curled up in your armchair, halfway through Pride and Prejudice instead of the book you had planned to start reading. You had been obsessed with that book more so than lately. Perhaps it had something to do with the curly haired boy that kept wandering his way back into your thoughts. You were in a pair of leggings and an old college hoodie, positively comfy. You had your blankets and your mug of tea, which was almost empty. You had it made. Suddenly, there was a knock at your door. You were confused. Was your mom visiting today? No, she was visiting on Sunday. Maybe your neighbor accidentally got some of your mail? You stuck a Polaroid in the spine of your book and went to the door. It was probably Miss Higgins, looking for her cat again. You opened the door, expecting to see the sweet little old lady and half distracted by the door mat you accidentally messed up when you opened the door. “I’m sorry, Miss Higgins, I haven’t seen Tippy today, but I’ll let you know if I do,” you answered routinely as you nudged the carpet with your socked foot. A soft laugh from whoever was in front of you alerted you that it was not your little, old neighbor lady unless she just hit puberty and her voice dropped several octaves. “Who’s Tippy? Should I be worried?” John joked with a cheeky smile. You felt yourself break out in a grin at the sight of him. He was dressed down today in a pair of jeans, a striped sweater, and a pea coat. He had a scarf hanging loosely from his neck and your inner romantic swooned at the idea of grabbing him by that scarf and yanking him in for a kiss. “Um,” you began, shaking your thoughts away as you held the door open for him. You didn’t give him your address, but logic told you that Angelica probably did. Her driver had taken you home, after all. “My neighbor is constantly losing track of her cat, Tippy.” He came into your house, pausing by you to give you a gentle peck on the cheek, and if your head wasn’t so lost in the clouds, you probably would’ve fainted. You shut the door, hiding the blush creeping it’s way down your neck. You quickly tucked a strand of hair behind your ear as he took in your apartment. John was such a Mr. Darcy that he probably had a snobbish home somewhere instead of a small apartment in the shady part of town. Luckily, you had befriended the rookie police officer, Tommy, across the hall. If he didn’t give you such reassurance in safety, you would’ve already complained to him about the noise level coming from his apartment. You got it. He had two boyfriends that knew his name, that didn’t mean they had to scream it every night when you were trying to sleep. “Did I interrupt something?” He glanced over at your extended recliner, mug of tea, scattered polaroids, and tattered book. You bit your lip. “Yeah, but it’s no big deal. It’s not like I haven’t read it before,” you shrugged it off, shifting nervously. “What brings you by?” John turned to you, running a hand over his hair with a small smile. “Well, Angie said you weren’t busy tonight, and I figured I’d surprise you. I figured I could show you around Herc’s shop, maybe go for dinner if you want?” You felt your cheeks tinge with color again as your lips stretched into another delighted smile. Damn, this boy made you smile almost as much as your books did. “Hmm, I dunno,” you teased, pretending to ponder. “I mean, I’ve been looking forward to reading my book all week… besides, isn’t dinner a little too direct for Mr. Darcy? I was actually expecting a proclamation of love before, and then a heated, fairly insulting letter meant as an apology. You wouldn’t happen to have that planned before dinner, would you? Because I need to know whether to pack a snack and some popcorn or not.” As soon as he realized you were teasing him, he broke out into a grin. “You had me worried there for a sec! I thought you were blowing me off for a book you’ve read a thousand times!” “Excuse me, sir,” you looked at him as if he had just fatally insulted you, “that’s one thousand and one times. Get your facts straight!” He laughed again, and you were suddenly aware of how close he was standing to you. Was this customary for guy friends? You weren’t really sure. You had been too caught up in your books to ever pay any attention. It was something about the way he looked at you and seemed to laugh so genuinely that distracted you from your fear of messing up, but it was also the way he looked at you that made you stutter your words all the time. “So, Herc’s? Sounds fun. Lemme just go get changed,” you stated quickly. You needed space. You were getting lost in your head with him standing that close. You quickly retreated to your bedroom, throwing clothes around in search of the right outfit. You were deep in your closet, your mind tangled in thoughts and panic as you thumped around. None of it was right. No no no. Then you grabbed a pair of jeans with rips in the knees and you tossed them on your bed. Your hands found your favorite sweater that you threw with the jeans. Your fingers laced around a cute scarf that matched, and you were set. You didn’t have time to second guess as you stripped and began to dress. You were standing in your underwear, cursing as you stumbled around the room trying to fit into your jeans, when the sore opened and John came in. “Hey, someone’s at the door and-” he stopped talking when you both made eye contact, and you froze-which was a poor move on your part when you toppled over. John moved towards you to help you up, then moved back when he remembered the predicament. “I knocked! I swear, I knocked. I am so sorry, I didn’t mean-” “John?” You interrupted as you stared up at him from the floor. His eyes were darting around the room, falling on anything but you. “Yeah?” his voice cracked nervously. “I’m still half dressed. Would you mind…?” You didn’t know how to phrase it, but he got the hint. He continued his stream of apologies as he quickly retreated and closed the door. Then you started to laugh. It was quiet at first, but then it developed into full body quakes that left you breathless. You couldn’t stop laughing. The cute boy you had a crush on that probably thought you were nuts just walked in on you half naked! At some point, your hysterical laughter turned into ugly crying when you realized that your life was a disaster. You only ever managed to embarrass yourself. John probably already left! He probably thinks you’re psychotic, and he wants nothing to do with you! You got dressed, hopeless thoughts swirling in your mind, then you finally left your room. Surprisingly, John was still there. He was flipping through your polaroids, trying extra hard not to look at you. “It was Miss Higgins,” he explained after clearing his throat a few times. “She was looking for Tippy. I told her you hadn’t seen her cat.” You nodded, heading to the door. When you turned around, you caught John staring at you, and you both blushed. “So, Herc’s?” You trailed off, and he nodded eagerly. He followed you out of your apartment and you locked the door behind you. You walked to the elevator in silence. Once in the lift, you kept the three foot friendship distance between you two, still not saying a word. It was only when the elevator stopped at the third floor and one of your creepier neighbors got on that you moved closer to John. “Hey, baby,” the guy said, and you rolled your eyes. Flippin’ Ralph. He was the scumbag that cat called you from the wall outside while he smoked through four packs. He smelled like piss and an ash tray. “Maybe later tonight, you can tell me your name so I can scream it for ya. Would you like that?” He reached out to grab you, but John was quick to wrap an arm around you. With Him by your side, you felt empowered enough to stand up for yourself. “Gee, Ralph. I knew rats in this city got big, but I didn’t know they came this big,” you gave him the disgusted once over all of the girls perfected in high school. “Honestly, the idea of even touching. You makes me wanna Ralph. Besides, with the number of packs you smoke these days, I’d be surprised if you could even get your voice above an embarrassing rasp. Besides, why would I settle for you when I’ve got a boyfriend that makes me scream instead?” Ralph had never heard you speak up before, so it was a fair reaction when he was so shocked that the cigarette fell from his mouth. You felt John shaking with quiet laughter behind you, and you stood tall. “You know what? You’re a disgusting little tramp-” there was the reaction you were waiting for. You shrank into John, waiting for the verbal onslaught, but John was ever the valiant Mr. Darcy. “You’d better watch what you say next or you’re gonna have trouble speaking with no tongue and no teeth, my friend,” John growled out as he shoved you behind him. The elevator dinged, and you all but threw a party. You cursed the cheap apartment and it’s decrepit elevators. Your grandma could navigate those stairs faster than that lift, and she’s dead. Before John could deck Ralph, you pulled him off the elevator with you and quickly out of the building. It was only when you were down the street and your breathing had calmed that things had caught up to you. Number one, you called John your boyfriend… and he totally went with it. Number two, you insinuated that you and John had really good sex… and he also totally went with it. Number three, you might need to start carrying a gun to protect yourself from Ralph. Number four, John totally stood up for you! Wow, that was actually really hot. Number five, you were still holding hands from when you dragged him off the elevator. When you looked up, you noticed he was looking down at you. “Hey, you okay?” You gave him a small smile and nodded. “I’m sorry back there. I shouldn’t have dragged you into it, and I’m sorry about the comment about our wild sex-” John cut you off by bringing your hand up to his lips and kissing your knuckles. “Hey,” he murmured, his lips tickling the skin before he slowly brought your hand down from his lips, “don’t worry about it. Any guy would be lucky to be called your boyfriend.” You felt your heart thrumming in your chest, and you were suddenly hyper aware of everything your body was doing. Was he into you? “Well, I…” your words failed. You didn’t know what to say about the entire ordeal, so you didn’t. Instead, you said, “Which way to Herc’s?” John’s lips twitched to a frown, but it was quick, and you didn’t ponder it. He didn’t drop your hand as he led you down the street. It was about ten minutes into the walk when you started shivering. You were so embarrassed by what happened in your apartment that you forgot your coat. John put his arm around you at first, holding you near him as you walked, but your teeth still chattered. He then tugged off his pea coat and quick to swaddle you with it. You protested, but he was quick to shush you. Your heart stuttered when he put his arm back around you for the rest of the walk. About thirty minutes after you left the lift, you found yourself outside of Herc’s Four Sets of Corsets and More. John opened the door for you and ushered you in. He took the coat off your shoulders and draped it on the mannequin as if he’d been here a thousand times before, which he probably had. “Herc!” He called, causally throwing his arm around you again and wandering around the shop. You heard footsteps on the staircase behind the counter and turned to find a tall, dark drink of damn son come down the stairs. Did John only know hot people? What did that make you? “Hey, babe! Who’s this lovely, little lady with you?” Herc asked as he came around and leaned against the counter, waiting for an introduction. You were confused by his pet name for John. Since when did bros start calling each other babe? Whatever, you were on board for it. “This here, is the Elizabeth from the coffee shop,” John explained. How many people had he told about you? And how many people only knew you as “The Elizabeth”? You decided to take a leap of faith, “Hi,” you said shyly as you extended your hand, “most people actually call me Y/N.” Herc shook your hand, but you felt John’s eyes on you. That’s when you realized you had never told him your actual name. You blushed in embarrassment. You’d been talking to this guy for at least a month now, and you hadn’t even bothered to properly introduce yourself! Your mama raised you better than that! “Well, I’ve heard a lot about you!” Herc beamed, and you returned the smile. “I’ve heard a lot about you, too!” You replied, and Herc’s face lit up. “I’m so glad John told you about us! You two must be really close now for him to mention us!” Herc wiggles his eye brows. Although you were confused, you dismissed it. Their friendship must be really tight. They did live together, after all. You carried on with light banter, and Herc gave John an occasional jab or two. You had fun, and eventually, you had Herc’s number written on a scrap of loose cloth he had tied around your wrist. Apparently, he too had an appreciation for aesthetic. Herc showed you around the shop. You noticed a mannequin without arms and complimented his Greek architectural taste, but he laughed and said it was an accident. Apparently, it was a “long story.” You ended up picking up a few items, and you were excited to purchase them, but John footed the bill. You argued, but one shared look between Herc and John ended any discussion. Herc handed you the bag, and you thanked him again. John wound his arm around you again, and you both said farewell to Herc before you left the shop, you wearing John’s pea coat again. “So, where do you wanna go for dinner?” John asked as you both moseyed down the street. You shrugged, “I dunno, I’m kinda in the mood for Italian.” John grinned down at you, and again, you were hyper aware of how close he was to you. “I know just the place.” John took you to a quaint, little place downtown called Belladona, and you were quickly seated at a table in the back. John was ever the southern gentleman, pulling your chair out for you, draping the jacket over the back of it. He was sweeter than any guy you’d ever met. You knew if you voiced that, he’d just say you were meeting the wrong guys. “So what do you recommend, Mr. Darcy?” You perched an eyebrow at him as you unfolded your menu. “Hmm,” he looked at you and thought for a minute, “you strike me more as a ravioli type…” You rolled your eyes at him with a smile, “You only know that because you saw the cans of Chef Boyardee’s ravioli sitting out on my counter from my recent grocery store trip.” He chortled, “What can I say? I’m an observant guy!” “I’m torn, now I want ravioli, but I also really want spaghetti,” you pouted at him, and he laughed. “Tell ya what, you get the ravioli, I’ll get the spaghetti, and we’ll share,” he offered, and you eagerly nodded. This guy was the gift that kept on giving. “I knew I kept you around for something,” you poked him on the nose, then you spent the proceeding twenty minutes regretting that action. He laughed in response, “What? The free food?” “Hey, you paid for the clothes, the least I can do is buy dinner,” you responded, moderately offended that he’d think you’d expect him to pay for everything. “Please, I brought you out. Let me treat you,” his smile was so kind; it drew you in. “We’ll see,” was your answer before you let your resolve dissolve. He smiled at you and your stubbornness. Maybe you were wrong before. Maybe he isn’t Mr. Darcy. You couldn’t imagine Mr. Darcy being this kind. Of course, you’d never admit that to him. “So, Y/N,” he tested the sound of your name on his tongue, and it caused your heart to falter. “What do you know of polyamorous relationships?” You were taken aback. He brought you all the way out here, to a nice restaurant, to ask you your opinion on that? “Well, I know what it is. I’m sorry, are you asking my knowledge or my opinion?” He bit his lip, then he ran a hand over his hair and toyed with his curls. “Uh, opinion?” You shrugged, “Well, I know a few people in one, and they seem to make it work really well. The only problem is that the sex is louder with more people and it keeps me up at night… I mean, I’ve never been in one, but I think I’d be open to it with the right people. It’s always been intriguing to me, but I guess I’ve never been in the position to be in one before.” You paused. “Why do you ask?” He glanced around the room nervously, then tugged at his curls once more. “Well, I… Um… Alexander would be so much better at this,” he muttered. “I mentioned earlier that I live with my boys.” He gave you a hard look, clearly trying to communicate to you. You nodded slowly, waiting for him to go on. He swallowed. “My boys,” he repeated, a bit more enunciated this time. You stared at him blankly. A few seconds of awkward silence lapsed where he waited for you to have a lightbulb moment, and you waited for further explanation. Then it clicked. “Ohhh… your boys,” you breathed, almost to yourself. You had to work quick to mask your hurt and disappointment. For some reason, you really thought you had a chance. Obviously not if he had three boyfriends. You bit your lip hard as you stared down at the table. Way to go, Y/N. You messed it up. Again. You felt your stomach churn with embarrassment and shame. No one would want you. Of course not. You were way to much of a nerd. Jeez, you were such an idiot to think someone like that would ever go for a stuttering moron like you. This is why you kept to yourself. Books wouldn’t do this to you. They wouldn’t change like this. They wouldn’t let you down like this. You just wanted to go home and read. Well, read and cry. And maybe yell a little bit. “I…. I gotta go… I think I left the stove on…” you managed to stutter through the lump in your threat. You felt foolish. Were you really going to cry over a boy you didn’t even have a chance with? “Why? Did I do something wrong?” John’s eyes searched your face, but you ducked your chin to hide. You’d kill a man for a book right now. “I’m sorry,” you whispered as you stood up and turned to leave. He stood abruptly and grabbed your wrist to stop you. “It’s me, isn’t it?” He sounded hurt, too. You couldn’t focus on that. If you looked up and met his eyes, you’d start crying in public, and you couldn’t handle that right now. “Don’t touch me!” You snapped as you tore your arm from his grasp. You turned and dashed from the restaurant as tears spilled down your cheeks. You were right. Books are better than people.

As soon as you made it back to your appartement, you put on the kettle and called your mom. It was about ten o'clock, but you figured she’d still be up. She answered on the fourth ring. “Hello?” “Momma?” Your voice broke. Hearing her broke the dam, and you began to sob. “Oh, pumpkin, what happened?” Her voice was soft, and you could practically feel her wrapping her arms around you. “I’m such an… an idiot!” You sobbed, slumping down against the wall. “No, baby, you aren’t an idiot…” “Yes, I am! I was naive to think that a guy like him would ever want me. I’m such a loser, Mom!” You wiped your tears on your sleeve, but they were quickly replaced by more. “Hold on, honey, I’m on my way over. What kind of ice cream do you want?” You cried even harder. You loved your mom so much. She was always there when you needed her. You told her your favorite ice cream, and she said she’d be over as soon as possible. She hung up, but you didn’t move from the floor. You continued crying. You didn’t feel like moving. Why bother? You just wanted to lie there. At some point, the kettle went off, and you managed to pick yourself up, change into your pajamas, and go to the kitchen. Your tea was ready, but you ignored it. Instead, you went straight for the liquor. You needed something hard. You started throwing back shots. You felt like you were back in your college days. When your mom first showed up, she tried to get you to stop drinking, but quickly realized her efforts were futile. She let you drink while also making you drink plenty of water. You both are ice cream while you cried. She wrapped you in a blanket and vented with you about the stupid boy. She said he led you on, but you disagreed. You’d just read too far into it. The rest of the night blurred away when you started taking straight swigs out of the bottle.

A week had passed. Then two. Angelica and Herc had sent you texts, but after a week of you not replying, they decided to give you some space. You’d deleted John’s number from your phone. You were right about him being Mr. Darcy. He was a pompous, arrogant prick and you were the foolish Mr. Bingley. You were just some optimistic idiot blinded by emotion. You went to work. Came home. Read until your vision doubled. Passed out. Repeated. You were back to your old ways. The first week that had passed had a dreary Saturday. Before John, you would have gone to your bookshop, then the cafe. But now, you couldn’t risk seeing his face; you couldn’t do it. You stayed inside, read your books, listened to music, and watched romantic movies that made you cry. It was on a Thursday the second week that there came a knock at the door. You shuffled over and answered it to reveal Ms. Higgins. “Mornin’, dearie,” she said hoarsely. She held the elusive Tippy under her arm and an envelope in her free hand. “I got your mail again.” You forced a smile and took the small stack of junk mail from her. “Thank you.” “Are you doing alright, sugar? You look awful tired,” she seemed to lean closer to look at your face, and you looked down, ashamed. Now you had your elderly neighbor worried about you. Way to go. “Yeah, just been busy lately,” you lied. It’d be true if you counted crying as an activity. “Ahh, a broken heart makes for a busy soul,” she replied simply before she turned and went back to her apartment. You stood there for a minute, miffed, but you shrugged it off and went back inside. You stood over the trash can, absentmindedly sorting threw the mail. Junk. Junk. Junk. You tosses envelope after envelope into the bin. However, you reached back into the trash to retrieve one envelope you had skimmed over. Your stomach twisted as you opened it and pulled the letter out. “Elizabeth, I hope you are doing well. Angelica and Hercules are both worried since they haven’t heard from you. Please call them when you can to let them know you’re okay. Angelica tends to obsess about people she cares about. I’m writing because it’s the only way I’m sure you’ll get my message. I wasn’t sure if you’d blocked my number or not. I’m sorry if I disgusted you, but I assumed you’d be more open minded given that it’s 2017, not 1917. My mistake. I didn’t realize that you would find the concept of love so abhorrent. You seemed so sweet and lovable, but I guess most bigots do as well. The worst part is that I actually let you close to my heart. I liked you, but I guess that was wasted emotion, huh? I guess you were right about Elizabeth. You suit her, you know: judgmental, rude, harsh, horrid… sound familiar? I am unafraid to say that I love my boys, each and every one of them, and I don’t care if that offends you. I don’t need you in my life if you can’t accept me for who I am. I opened myself to you. I was vulnerable, but you showed me that you can’t be trusted. I’m glad I got that out of the way before things progressed any further. Maybe one day, you’ll find your Mr. Darcy-some horrid man that compliments your horridness, and you’ll go on your horrid way. You’d be perfect for each other. Maybe the reason you only saw bad in the characters was because you were looking in the mirror. News flash, it’s not that you’re meeting the wrong people, it’s that you are wrong people. I’m not going to miss you, but I will miss the idea of you. Do us both a favor and lose my number, John.” You were so angry that you couldn’t move. You couldn’t breathe. All you could do was sit there. Then it hit you all at once. How dare he. How dare he assume all those things! He was such a complete moron! You grabbed a piece of paper and your pink pen and you went to work. “Dear Mr. Pompous Prick, First of all, how dare you. How dare you go and assume all of those horrible things about me. I can’t even begin to comprehend where you got those opinions from? Unaccepting of your relationships? If you had listened to a word I had said, you’d actually get it through your pea sized brain that I support polyamory and I’m open to it! But no, you were to busy thinking about God only knows what to actually see what was right in front of you. I liked you! I had a crush on you! I know, ridiculous. It was absurd of me to even consider you to be my Mr. Darcy! You know, at some point, I thought I was wrong and that you were nothing like Mr. Darcy. I was right! You’re so much worse! You led me on, made me think I actually had a chance. Stupid me. Although I appreciate your honesty about your relationship, I wish I’d known before I’d been so emotionally invested. I didn’t leave because you disgusted me; I left because I realized how stupid I was to think you were into me! You have three other boyfriends, clearly I misunderstood. But sure, go ahead and assume I’m some bigoted asshole. Rip apart my character and everything I stand by if it helps you sleep at night, but know that you broke my heart, you son of a bitch. You made me think I had a chance, then you told me the truth and spit on my character. Tell Angelica and Hercules I’m fine. I’m sure they won’t miss me anyways. And don’t worry about your number. I lost it weeks ago. Thanks for nothing. Y/N.” You wanted to say more. You wanted to swear and curse at him until your fingers crumbled apart, but you couldn’t let him be right. You couldn’t let him have substantial proof to any of his claims. You couldn’t be that person he claimed you to be. You sent the letter to the return address, then went back to your books. You just wanted to forget the whole ordeal.

Weeks had passed, and your heart ached with the echo of his cruel words, but you couldn’t let it get to you. You were healing and repairing. You eventually got the nerve to go back to your bookstore on a dreary Saturday. You had stopped reading Pride and Prejudice a while ago. It reminded you of too much. You needed new books to hide your face in. After you bought a few books, you went to the cafe. You had forgotten your umbrella today, so you were sopping wet by the time you had gotten to your cafe. You dashed inside and ordered your old drink. You sat at your old table. You pulled out your old novel and a black pen. You began to read as you wrote in the margins. You wished the cafe would swallow you whole so you could live in this moment forever. “Elizabeth?” You recognized that voice and you froze. You shoved your nose deeper into your book as the chair scraped in front of you. He sat down with you. “Hey, Y/N,” a gentle hand tugged on your book, but you harshly pulled it back up. You did not want to speak to him. “Y/N, please, hear me out-” You snapped your book shut, not even worrying about marking your place. You grabbed your bag and fled the coffee shop. He called out behind you, begging you to stay. You didn’t. You dashed down the street, not caring about the pouring rain. You just needed to get away. Then you felt a hand in your wrist. You turned around to face him, anger sparking in you. “What, John? Have you come to bash my character again? Have you not done enough?” You demanded as you stared up at him. The pouring rain plastered hair to your face and blurred your vision, but it didn’t lessen your glare. “Y/N, please. I was wrong. I was ignorant, harsh, unreasonable, and a completely pompous prick. I was scared and hurt, and I lashed out at you-” “So what? You come here thinking some shitty apology will suffice? Obviously, you misunderstand me completely!” You were furious. After all he did, all he said, he thinks he can fix it with a few words. “I’m sorry, Y/N! What can I do to get you to see that?” He was exasperated, but you didn’t care. You would not let him hurt you again. “How about you get lost and never talk to me again?” You snapped at him. Why couldn’t he just leave you alone? “I can’t!” He was angry too now, which pissed you off even more. He had no right! “Why not? Isn’t it obvious? I hate you!” You shoved him away from you, trying to force him to leave, but he grabbed both of your hands. “‘In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and-’” “Don’t say it,” you whispered, tears in your eyes. “If you care about me at all, you won’t say it.” “'You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and-’” “Don’t,” your lips trembled as a tear slipped down your cheek. John cupped your face. “'How ardently I admire and love you,’” he finished, and you began to cry. He tried to pull you into his arms, but you pushed him away. “Oh, John,” you began crestfallenly, “Dont you remember? Elizabeth could never accept that proclamation, just as I cannot.” He let you slip away from his fingers as he stared at you. He wanted to reach for you, hold you, you could tell. But he didn’t. “But I do,” his voice cracked, and you shivered as more tears fell. “I wish I could believe you, John. I really do.”

Needless to say, your mom made another trip after that encounter, and it was only after speaking with her that you came to your senses. But it was too late now. You’d done your damage. “Honey,” your mom had said, “if you believe in romance at all, and if you truly live by your aesthetics and romanticism, then you will not sit idly by and be satisfied by this excuse. If you are half the girl I know you to be, you will find this boy and tell him how you really feel.” She was right. It took a few phone calls with Angelica, who was completely relieved to have heard from you, but also completely pissed off from the whole ordeal. She was delighted to help after you had explained everything. So there you were, fidgeting anxiously at the Belladona, waiting for John to show up. You were relying on all of the books you had read to aid you in this one moment. Would he show? Angelica had invited him out to dinner with her. Word on the street was that you’d left him a complete disaster. You felt horrible. This whole ordeal was your fault. Cheese and rice, you royally screwed this one up. There’s no way he’d show. Not after everything you’d done. You didn’t deserve another chance. But then you saw him. He looked beautiful, just the way you remembered him. As soon as he came in, his eyes locked on you. Would he turn to run? You prayed to anything and everything out there that he wouldn’t. And he didn’t. He slowly, hesitantly, approached your table, and you stood. You made your way over so that you were standing before him. This was the bravest thing you’d done in your life. “John, I…” and words failed you. You had nothing. You’d built everything up to this moment, and you were flatlining. You couldn’t speak. All you could do was stare at him, hoping he’d understand. “I…” Speak, Y/N! This is your last chance! “I…” Where was your fire? Your spark? Suddenly, you were back in the coffee shop the first time you’d met, and you finally found the words. “You’re my right person,” you finally managed to get out. You stared at him, waiting. He blinked. Then he blinked again. “I’ve always been afraid of saying the wrong thing, but with you, it’s like all the dialog is already there. You already know what I’m going to say before I say it. And I know I’m the wrong person, I’ve always been, but you’re my right person and I could never forgive myself if I didn’t tell you that-” you couldn’t stop talking now. You were rambling. You were losing him, you could feel it. Without warning, his lips were on yours, and he was kissing you like there was no tomorrow. He was desperate, trying to convey everything he had been holding back those past weeks into that single moment. When he pulled away, he whispered, “If I’m your right person, then you’re my right story.”

You could fill books upon books with the different aesthetics you got to wake up to now. You had dozens of polaroids filled with your boys’ faces. It had been two years since you met John at the Belladona. Your relationship had been far from fanfic material, but maybe that’s why you loved it so much. Fanfics were predictable; this was an adventure. John was right. Your boys were right people. They were everything you’d been hoping for and more. It wasn’t perfect, not by far, but that’s what made it perfect. You were happy, and you knew you would always be happy as long as you were with them. You didn’t read as much anymore. You didn’t need to. You had all the adventure you needed. It was bittersweet to watch your beaten up copy of Pride and Prejudice collect dust on the shelf, but you wouldn’t have it any other way. After all, it was all for the aesthetic.

[shslshortie]

Okay I'm going to make a post because I can't deal with everything that got asked/shat out my way

I am sorry for this rant, but I am legit ready to leave tumblr again. Like I forgot why I hated it so much, but lord is this an unhealthy environment for so many reasons. Mainly, because of discourse/call out culture. And I'm obviously not talking about being "PC" or anything, but just being an all around mean spirited person if anyone says anything that either 1) doesn't agree with you/your views/your fandom, 2) if anything is even slightly false or not entirely fact-checked, or 3) goes against most popular opinions without writing an entire graduate-level thesis about why you believe your opinion/view/observation is valid. Like if you want to complain or voice an opinion about anything, or even joke about something that you think is funny, you could very likely almost immediately be called out or even be sent WAVES of hate that usually is completely undeserved. Especially since people are hiding behind a screen of anonymity or at least behind an online persona, they don't think about the person on the receiving end of it. They don't think how their mean spirited comments or backlash could effect them mentally, and they don't even stop to think what else could be going on in their lives. Yesterday, (was it yesterday? I think it was yesterday, but GOD was it a long fucking day if it was) I made some posts after recapping through the Rost. Cup after I watched each medalist's short and long, as well as all the US skaters, big names, and for the men and ladies, almost all 11 skaters honestly. I love figure skating, and NO, unlike a lot of people wrongfully assumed, am not a part of the "fandom" and did not get into it because of YOI. Was a passion reignited from like a barbeque level flame to a bonfire with YOI's help? Yes. But would it probably have gone to a similar level with the Olympic season going into full swing? Highly likely. But anyways, I made some posts because I wanted to voice some observations, complaints, and things I thought were funny because tumblr is the only place I ever really rant/voice theories/talk about a lot of my interests, since I don't have any irl friends who are interested in almost half of the things I am. So, tumblr is usually the place that I dump these feelings/thoughts. Sure, one of them was a little off-color, and posted without thinking, but after about an hour (and like 3-4 replies I think), I looked back on it, and realized it didn't need to be posted out there, even if I didn't mean it to be mean. Does this mean I owed every single person who "called me out" for being uninformed, or for being mean, or for being whatever the hell I am a reply? No. Did I know that some things were answered over Twitter, or weibo (sp?) or Reddit, or whatever other gd social media that I don't use? No. Does that man I am uniformed and spreading lies or whatever? I don't think so, and that doesn't make me a fucking villain. I also deleted it, because I realized I was wrong. End of story, part 1. But then, the figure skating fandom found some of my posts/commentary/rants. (god forbid they somehow find this and attack me ALL OVER AGAIN, except for y'all that were part of this whole issue. I hope y'all see this, because it's not like I blocked you. Except for one tumblr user who blocked me because of my post? Like you do you, except don't reblog my post and block me so I can't see what you said, presumably about how I am a terrible person). And apparently 1) if you insult/don't like/say Y***** H**** didn't do his best/were disappointed in him, or if you like the person who won over him more... Then you deserve to die. And 2) if you even make a post about YOI or other anime, you are a fake fan who knows nothing. And 3) even mirroring almost the exact words of sports (specifically figure skating) commentators in your posts means nothing? Like it OBVIOUSLY means that you are making up bullshit to hate on skaters that are popular and are misinformed, right??? Or if you say one thing that was similar to an APPARENTLY problematic broadcast group, that nothing (including any commentary from official other broadcasts, because GUESS WHAT: it's hard to find recordings of all of the programs and exhibitions with English commentary, and there are usually 3-4 networks that have it, and SO MANY people upload different ones to YouTube) else you say matters or has any merit. I haven't even read all of the hate mail and submissions I received from this debacle. My mental health can't take it. I literally woke up for school the next morning, saw my notifications and couldn't get myself to stop crying from the anger/upsetness/trauma/depressed thoughts that bubbled up with all of it, and I couldn't even get myself to go to class because I was so shaken. Like visibly, physically shaken, to the point where I couldn't think straight and I literally had tremors from how upset and unstable it made me feel. Tumblr should be a place where I can voice my opinion on something I am passionate about without all this hate. I literally have no other place. Right now, irl, I got dragged into drama (not mine, I swear, I was just a witness and got pulled into the mess) with my honor society, and the girl who started it all is trying to pit the entire organization against me. I can't post anything on my finsta, and God forbid I even tried to post anything in Facebook. (Not like I would). I am already in a very dark place mentally and emotionally because of the trauma this is putting me through, and how unwanted, useless and disgusting everybody is making me feel. I shouldn't be getting that from strangers who just decided to make my life even more miserable on top of it. Legitimately, out of the 30-40 comments/asks/replies/submissions I recieved, only one person even tried to realize where I was coming from or to educate me on what I had done wrong or missed in my analysis. But some of their wording just mirrored all the hate l had recieved, or even other things I had been told in real life that just made me cry even harder and I still can't bring myself to reply to even the person who was civil. My one big point to anyone who sees this is (besides don't be a dick/cyber bully/create and stir up unnecessary discourse) is don't assume that people don't know what they're talking about? Or don't assume that they are fake fans? And don't make people spell every letter of their opinion out for you in a 12 page thesis if it doesn't comply with the tumblr norm. Cuz here are some fun facts about me that I don't normally publicize / post about on tumblr: Yes, I am an anime fan, but Jesus Christ I love/am a huge fan of WAY more than I am in the fandom for. I am honestly only in like 4-5 anime fandoms. Same thing goes for other things I like, such as Harry Potter or marvel. I can like things, A LOT, and be passionate about them without being in the fandom. That doesn't mean I don't like it or I'm not knowledgable on the subject. That doesn't mean that I am an idiot for not knowing a fact/opinion/theory that has made its way around the fandom, that I'm not a part of. YES, I am a HUGE SPORTS FAN. It was legitimately also my fucking career (as a sports reporter/journalist/broadcaster). Do I post on tumblr about Baseball or Football or Hockey? Almost never. Does that make me any less of a fan, or does that make me any less knowledgeable about teams and rules? No. Does that mean that I didn't play/participate in almost every sport growing up? (baseball for 6 years, I still play Intermural football, tennis for 3 years, volleyball for 4, soccer for 1, swimming for like 5 years, I tried track, even karate and some other random stuff.) YES, I AM FUCKING KNOWLEDGABLE ABOUT PERFORMANCE SPORTS. I have participated/competed/trained/still watch almost every kind of performance sport. Of course color guard and marching band has been the longest, and the thing I was best at (7 years), but I grew up doing all kinds of dance and I still do lots of dance, as well as TONS of my own choreography. I've done baton and cheer for about 1-2 years each too. I did gymnastics for 4 years — was I very good? hell no. But do I know about it and appreciate it? Yes. SAME THING GOES FOR FIGURE SKATING. I only had like half a years worth of lessons, and like 3 routines that I ever finished and performed with figure skating, but that is because it is an expensive af sport, and I had way more activities and sports that I was better at, more passionate about learning, and were more accessible. BUT did I grow up going to figure skating shows like Disney on Ice or Stars on ice? Did that stop me from waiting in line for hours to get Michelle Kwan and other famous figure skaters autographs? No. Did that stop me from watching almost every single minute of the 2014 and 2010 Olympics? No. Do I still remember watching parts of the 2006 Olympics with my parents and absolutely being ENTHRALLED and wanting to do that too? YES. I still remember watching the 2014 Olympics from my aunt's house when I was staying on a cot in her living room because my mother was in the hospital and CRYING when I saw Y* H* perform, break world records, and win the gold. It was a sense of normalcy and awe because everything else going wrong in my life didn't matter while I was watching these amazing athletes perform. And GUESS WHAT, since I'm not really a part of the Figure Skating fandom (just like I'm not in the musical theatre fandom, or in anything regards to hair or makeup) I don't post about my own hype or plans regarding how excited I am for things to come out. So nobody here on tumblr, or almost ANYONE knew how excited I was for this upcoming Grand Prix season for the first actual competition of the Olympic season. I watched almost every challenger series video, as well as the autumn winter classic and competitions of the like. Even the JGPF events in anticipation. But guess what: I literally have a note on my phone that has all of Team USA's competition schedules, and their scores that they have gotten so far (like at the COR), along with a list of my favorite international skaters, and other new skaters to watch. I was so hype, so excited, and I thought that maybe, since figure skating had boomed in popularity, thanks in part to YOI (but also, helped people be more vocal and open about how much they love the sport even if ex already did) I would be able to discuss the excitement with other people. But no. Instead of being able to say "omg I'm so excited for blah blah blah, I hope they make the Olympic team. But I also love this show concept and this other persons costume, and you also can't count out blah blah blah" and being civil with conversation among other fans... They instead will say " wow you like blah blah blah? But you said this about them, and that offends me so you're wrong, and you forgot this tiny detail from 3 years ago, and you like anime so you OBVIOUSLY only care about figure skating because of YOI. Take your bandwagon fan bullshit away from me and go kill yourself". So now, I am staying the fuck away from the figure skating fandom, I've literally left half of my choreography untouched for almost 2-3 months, don't want to read/finish any of my YOI fanfics, and will probably even have a hard time watching Skate Can this weekend (even though like 6 of my favorite skaters are competing, and I was so excited before). Guess I'll just have to annoy my snapchat friends with videos of skating and me screaming because of skating. Fuck you tumblr, and I doubt I'll make any more original posts outside of APO planning and reblogs in the foreseeable future,

[hello2nobody]

Journal Entry #1 Toxic Friendships

June 26th, 2018

A friend is the person you can always rely on and be open too. Someone to have your back for the rest of your life, to share memories with, to attend your biggest accomplishments, to make your life a little more brighter. We don’t think about it much but being a friend is an incredible title to uphold, which is why toxic friendships can be just as dangerous as a toxic lover or family member.

I found pictures from kindergarten of her sitting with me on the craft covered tables, and one standing by a frumpy snowman accessorized in beaded necklaces that my twin sister and her had built together, but I’m sure it was in grade one when she came up to my sister and I asking which one was which. We were standing around a platform that led to a set of monkey bars of the “Wooden Playground” which kindergartners to third graders were not allowed to play on. That’s what the “Rainbow Playground” was for. I can’t remember what was going on in school, some sort of event where all the parents and their kids ate hot dogs in the gymnasium. It was just Cassidy, my sister, and I, and from what I can remember a chilly sun set at the Wooden Playground when the three of us became best friends.

It wasn’t very long after befriending each other did we face out first conflict. Out of nowhere in Ms. Meads’ class she handed me a note, in her cute bubbly writing I was always envious of, that we were no longer friends. I bursted into tears and when Ms. Meads asked me what was wrong I showed her the note and she took Cassidy to the hallway to speak to her. When Cassidy came back we were friends again. Little tearful me was going to have to get used to it though. Used to Cassidy writing to me that she doesn’t want me as friend, whether it be because I was not a fun as my sister, I was too annoying, I did something to upset her, or for no reason at all. Then after treating me coldly for a week or two- silent treatments and glaring looks when she made “new friends” and literally running away from me, she’ll talk to me casually as if nothing happened. If I ever thought she was being mean, unfair, or lying I’d do nothing. I never stood up for myself. I would apologize for things I didn’t do.

I can’t blame her for not wanting to be friends with me. I wouldn’t want to be friends with me either. Annoying, clingy, naive, a total idiot. I would agree with everything she said even if I didn’t, I would echoe her, I copied her handwriting, I even picked up how she talked. Since we were friends then we always had to be on the same page 24/7, right? I didn’t want to stir anything up but she always found a way to do it for me.

Cassidy was a pathological liar. Someone who constantly lies and makes up stories, usually for attention, with no guilt. Her more ridiculous lies were the ones like having a glass eye, watching a girl stabbed by a bull’s horns, seeing a tornado in front of her house, and all the damn boyfriends she had in middle school. She’d get defensive and mad if you ever confronted her and never backed down so it was better to play along like she totally was getting a new boyfriend every month. Even if said boyfriend goes to class and has never even looked her way much less talk to her.

Middle school is when it all went downhill. Whenever Cassidy was sick or couldn’t make it to school my sister and I had no one to hang out with because Cassidy was our only friend. It’s not like elementary where you can jump in with any group of kids and play tag with them and have a grand old time. You can’t just eat lunch with a group in the cafeteria uninvited. That’s just weird. There was this one girl from elementary, Etenesh, who sat alone in the cafeteria. So on the days Cassidy was gone we spent lunch with her. Eventually Cassidy and Etenesh became close friends.

I want to make it clear I was not jealous the slightest bit. I may have been annoyingly clingy but I was never possessive. Having a new friend was great. I even considered Etenesh as my other best friend (whether those feelings were reciprocated, I’m not sure) and I was proud to see Cassidy and Etenesh become friends. Cassidy wanted to spend more time with Etenesh and she’d give me a note telling my sister and I not to hang out with the two of them at lunch. When we ran into each other, the two would run away laughing and being the idiot I was I’d chase after them thinking it was like a game of tag. Cassidy actually got fed up with it one day and downright told me not to be with them, which is the only time I can remember she’d say anything like that to my face and not in writing.

No disrespect to my twin sister, but eating lunch with just the two of us felt lonely. No. Not lonely. I was just ashamed. Middle school was a shit-hole and I never felt more insecure about myself more than I was in middle school, and Cassidy never helped whenever she called me anorexic and writing to me how she didn’t want to be friends with me anymore before proceeding to give me the cold shoulder. My sister and I ate lunch hiding on the maze like wheelchair ramp at the front entrance for the school. When people walked by my heart would race, my palms would sweat, and my brain would tease me. I was so worried that these people were thinking how pathetic I was for not having any friends to eat with.

Cassidy seemed to be getting in some trouble with other students. I remember this “popular girl” and her posse cornered us in front of a classroom door during morning break. They were upset at something Cassidy said on Facebook (maybe it was when she was pretending to date her boyfriend). It was intimidating. I felt sick. Hot in the face and a little dizzy. All I can remember was the girl taunting us with a fake smile, saying “Listen, sweet cheeks” before I bolted because I thought I was going to throw up. I didn’t even realize Cassidy and my sister followed behind me.

A similar thing happened the same year. There was this “popular girl” who we went to elementary school that really liked my cupcake scented hand sanitizer and was always asking to give her some. She was practically huffing it. Anyways I walked into school finding her and her friends were waiting outside the girl’s washroom. They told me Cassidy was inside and they wanted to talk to her about “a list” and something related to Facebook, but Cassidy showed herself. I just stood there with her in the washroom with no idea what was going on. While I was in class I got called down to the office and they asked me if I knew anything about the list. I said I didn’t and they let me go with no problems.

Halfway through the first year of middle school is when this Facebook fiasco began to affect my sister and I directly. One day in Mrs. Rypien’s classroom during morning break this group of boys in our grade walked in the class telling us that their friend Jameel was “caramel”. They were all talking at once but it seemed like they believed my sister or me made a comment on Jameel’s skin colour so they stood up for their friend in a joking way. After that mess Cassidy told us someone hacked into my sister’s second Facebook account.

Did I emphasize how much of an idiot I was back then? Because I was a huge idiot. I couldn’t put two and two together to realize how bad this could’ve potentially been, and neither did my sister. We were so passive about the situation and not many people confronted us about Facebook. My sister did still put in a bit of effort trying to delete the account and using her first Facebook account to tell everyone that the second account didn’t belong to her.

Now you might be wondering, why did my sister have two Facebook accounts and why wasn’t I doing anything on Facebook to help? Well for the last one: I was paranoid about people finding my home address through Facebook and breaking into the house so I avoided the social media site like the plague. I’ve never had a Facebook account to this day and I never used the one Cassidy made me which goes to why my sister had two accounts. Back in elementary school we’d talk online using MSN but when MSN started to become a thing in the past to make 90′s kids feel old, Cassidy wanted us to use Facebook, so she made the accounts for us. 

So the Facebook account was made by Cassidy who has already had Facebook drama with the girls at school, there was a post on the account that said “I’m anorexic and I’m proud”, and another post that said that Cassidy and this guy from school would make a “cute couple” (which funnily enough he denied). To top it off Etenesh told my sister and I that she was messaging the account and said “I know it’s you, [Cassidy]” to which she was replied with “How did you know?”. It’s an obvious deduction that it was Cassidy. It would be obvious but after being friends- not just friends, best friends- for six years now, it wasn’t clear for me or my sister.

We did everything together. We’d spend most our free time together, come to each other’s house so often that our parents were sick of it, we celebrated each of our birthdays every year, we made up games like the pain game where we threw a big rubber ball as hard as we can in this confine space near the entrances at elementary school and let it ricochet off the walls until someone was inevitably hit. Mrs. Rypien said the two of us were “attached to the hip”. Despite all the fall outs we’d have we’d still wound up being friends again, and despite how clingy I was it was because I really did value her as a best friend just as much as my sister did. So when we asked Cassidy if it was true that she hacked the account, we didn’t hesitate to leave the situation alone when she said she was innocent. After that year I never heard anything about Facebook.

First day of grade eight. Mr. Saler’s class. My sister accompanied me when I looked for the classroo. Myself, Cassidy, and Etenesh were all in the same class and my sister was elsewhere, just like last year. The two of us were always in separate classes to force us to socialize with people other than each other. When I found the class a girl asked my sister if she was in Mr. Saler’s. I somewhat recognized her. She was in my sister’s class last year, I’ve heard her name. Cassandra. I only saw her once in grade seven, she walked with my sister and I to the bus one time. She had a lot of pimples. Other than that I knew nothing about her.

Isabalita moved to Canada from the Philippines and was a new face in our school. We befriended her and some time in the first week of school we were all standing outside school during lunch. Standing on the sloped pavement between the doorway at the back of the school and the grassy field. I don’t know when but it became a thing for us to attack each other by poking each other’s sides. Cassidy who was wide open and Isabalita pounced. Cassidy flinched and stepped back awkwardly due to the sloped pavement and her iPhone slipped from the pocket of her royal blue hoodie, the school hoodie, and like a piece of buttered toast fell on the worst side possible. She picked up her phone and there were cracks sprawled all over the screen. Isabalita apologized profusely but Cassidy let it go.

The night the phone was shattered I was messaging Cassidy using the iPad my dad got us for our birthday. She started accusing my sister that she was the one who broke the phone even though we were all there to see it happen. She conjured up this story that my sister was playing with her phone and recklessly dropped it so the screen was already shattered before what happened with Isabalita. Now we had to pay her eighty dollars to fix her phone. My brain could be mixing things up but I have this memory it might have even been eight hundred, but I’m going with eighty because I hope Cassidy didn’t underestimate our gullibility that much. I knew that my sister didn’t break the phone and I saw the look of terror on Cassidy’s face when we were outside. The face of someone who shattered their phone screen for the first time. So we argued a bit and another cold shoulder was ensued. Nothing new.

The same time this was happening Cassidy was making new friends through Etenesh. Etenesh was becoming close friends with these two girls in class. They were both fairly popular, one was extroverted and had a lot of friends, the other was very pretty and preppy. They both played soccer so they were like preppy jocks. Double edged swords. My sister and I were eating our lunches alone again. We tried eating with Isabalita but we didn’t click and never really talked. Same with when I tried to spend my free time in class with her but was eventually thwarted when another Filipino girl transferred in my class. I hated how Mr. Saler would give us a couple minutes of free time before the bell rang because everyone would go into their groups while I sat on my desk alone, doodling.

When Cassidy and I reached the whole pretending our argument never happened phase I still hung around her less because she was spending time with Etenesh and the two girls. Because I was a loser, the two girls didn’t want to be friends with me. Not that I could blame them. Cassidy even texted me one day after school “You know (blank) and (blank) hate you right?” and told me to stop talking to them as well as tell me how her and the extroverted girl have become best friends. Rubbing salt in the wound. Though there was this time Cassidy was coming over for a sleepover and invited the preppy girl without our consent. My mom wasn’t happy about the surprise guest when I told her on the phone. The preppy girl had to leave early because of an appointment she had. I played along but I knew she texted her mom to pick her up early and frankly I was more relieved than offended.

During one of the dreadful free times I noticed Cassandra was reading a Harry Potter book by herself in the classroom. She did every day, I was just too worried about myself to realize sooner. So I walked up to her and asked her about the book. My sister and I asked if we could eat lunch with Cassandra and her group. I recognized two faces from grade seven. One of the girl’s I attended her birthday slumber party. The other one I remember passing notes too in Mr. Hooper’s class and she would purposely screech her desk closer to mine before passing a note then loudly scooting back. She wrote down how she was as sneaky as a ninja. She also read a note Cassidy gave me one day when I was out the classroom. The note said how we weren’t friends anymore, how I was annoying, and my art wasn’t very good. When I came back she told me how mean the note was and not to take it seriously.

My sister and I had friends without Cassidy for the first time. I never wanted to go back to Cassidy. After making new friends I realized what a bad friend Cassidy was. I loved my new friends, and while we eventually fell out and went different ways one by one I was still happy. I still texted Cassidy from time to time when she got an actual boyfriend. I also came to comfort her and her sister when their foster dad passed away from brain cancer. Part of me wishes I was there for her more during that time because her new more popular friends turned out to be fake.

One day Cassidy wasn’t at school and during math class the extroverted girl loudly pronounced in conversation how she did not like Cassidy and was only pretending to be friends with her. The other one agreed. Even Etenesh said she didn’t really like Cassidy. The whole class was listening in. I texted Cassidy after school that day and she said she’d talk to them about it and it seems like everything was swept under the rug. I was, and still am, mad at the girls for talking about her like that, but I realized I was not much different. When Cassidy wasn’t present at school my sister and I would complain to Etenesh how she treated us like dirt and expected us to always take it and crawl back to her without picking a fight. I was mad at the time when Etenesh told Cassidy what we said, but it’s only the same when Etenesh told us about the Facebook account and how I told Cassidy about math class. She had every right to know.

In grade nine we barely spoke to each other. The only thing I can remember was asking her what class she was in despite already knowing the answer. She dodged the question. She was in the A class, the class for students struggling academically. It was probably the passing of her dad that pulled her down. I don’t know why I even asked. I didn’t mean to make her feel ashamed or anything I was just an idiot. She made friends with these two girls in that class. I was with my friends when I saw her and this other girl running away giggling from the other.

The first day of high school I was looking for my name and class through the multiple lists laid out on a wooden table along with a group of other students who, like me, were a little late. Cassidy was among them. When I saw her name I avoided telling her. I just kept searching for mine. When we fell out there were no arguments, “you know what”s, or last laughs. We just stopped talking or texting and stayed with our new friends. However, there was always this itch that there was a bad note left when we stopped being friends. I think we both came to acknowledge we were not good friends for each other, and that our friendship was a mess. I mustered the courage and pointed to the list and told her I saw her name. She thanked me and rushed to her class.

I didn’t see her for the rest of the year, or the year after that. If I did they were only glimpses of her in the hallways or sitting in the New Media room. I saw her little sister at school more than her. When I was in grade twelve, in my last quarter, I finally had a class with her- Art. I didn’t see her that often. There were two art rooms and we used different ones. I didn’t want to be friends with her again, but I wanted to talk to her. I disliked the tension between us. How I can never look at her in the eye or smile at her. Even though acting like nothing happened always bugged me when we were friends, when we weren’t friends it killed me. 

Another thing is I discovered I wasn’t a good friend either. It’s not just my idiocy and how annoying I was, I was insensitive and ignorant to her and her feelings. I didn’t talk to her enough on a personal level just as much as I didn’t listen. I was always a yes man when it came to her I didn’t get to stand my own ground. That was just acting like a friend not being one. I wasn’t reliable enough like true friend would be. I think maybe she wanted to me leave her, like those people that purposely ruin a relationship because they can’t break up with the person.

I couldn’t even remember her fucking birthday. They day I wanted to talk to her. I was using the computer in the other art room she used, telling myself to say “happy birthday” when I saw her but when she arrived not only did a chicken out another girl asked “was it your birthday yesterday?” and wished her a happy belated birthday when the answer was “yes” when I thought it was “no”.

It wasn’t until graduation that we talked. We had finished the Grand March, an event to replace prom probably because prom was too risque for a Catholic school. The Grand March was for the students to dress up and walk around the Enmax centre with their loved ones watching in the seats. It was a time for the girls to show off their beautiful dresses and the suited men to accessorise them. I wore a simple slimming blue dress and my mom put flowers in my braided hair even though I dislike having my hair pulled back because I still think it makes me look ugly. My sister wore a dark red dress we got from an event at YWCA where they gave away old prom dresses for free. She had a silicone padding because her breast looked uneven and we never noticed it fell out until when we were back home it was gone. 

Anyways, after the Grand March there was a “dance” where everyone stood around and talked and parents snapped as many photos of their babies all grown up as they could. Cassidy was the one who came up to my sister and I. She complimented our dresses and we complimented her. When my mom came down she was surprised to see the girl who used to come for sleepovers almost every weekend a few years ago. My mom said she’s changed a lot and after a long pause she said she’s gotten prettier but we all knew what she meant. Cassidy gained a lot of weight. I’d say over two hundred pounds. She use to tease the fat kids in middle school so I think it was karma. I remember her grad speech mentioned wanting to attend culinary school in Vancouver. We had a small friendly conversation and my mom took some pictures of the three of us. We said we’ll talk again and went our separate ways and just like that a huge load was lifted off my shoulders.