#and they have never given a shit abt us to begin with so

[pulquedeguayaba]

People from the global north who's looking into moving to Latinamerica to work remotely, please

PLEASE

PLEASE

Don't

Seriously

I don't care how expensive your way of life has become in your country, solve that with your people and your governments

Why are you dragging us into it? Why messing with our economy and way of life like that? What's to us anyway?

WHY DO WE HAVE TO ACCOMMODATE TO YOU AND NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND WHEN YOU'RE THE ONES MOVING INTO OUR HOUSE

YOU LOVE TO SHIT ON FOREIGNERS WHO DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH

WHY THE FUCK DO WE HAVE TO SPEAK YOUR LANGUAGE

IN

OUR

HOUSE

Fuck off, seriously, you're nothing but parasites here, making life harder than it already is

GO HOME

[sundial-bee-scribbles]

trying to psych myself up to finally do oc refs by doing fandom-related refs instead: volume 1

wanted to update my yuma from whatever tf this au is so he was a bit more unique... takes inspo from a lot of different things while also trying to be its own sorta thing? which is fitting given the au ;)

bonus chibi now that i'm also figuring out how tf to do chibis lol:

[not-5-rats]

This is gonna sound awful but I kinda hope somebody dies in Episode 9 (Gator Boys), ((this is focused more on Bodie, Timmy, Marco and Bug dying though))

IK IK, 'how could you say that!?!?' 'that would be heartbreaking :((((' THATS THE POINT!!!! THINK ABT IT! Think about how sad it would be, each of them for their own reasons

☆---------------☆

Bodie, Timmy, Lora and Rolden have a reason in common, they've all recently been reunited with their family in some way (even if Lora wasn't super pleased to see Timmy-). Sure Timmy and Bodie had found family, they had each other, but something about knowing some of their family was alive must have been such a sweet feelings (despite the circumstances). Now imagine if as soon as they got that family back it was taken away again. You finally found your family, some of which you thought were dead, you were getting to reknow those you lost, finally feeling like you have people you belong with..then you die. You loose it all.

☆---------------☆

Now let's focus on Bodie for a minute. Bodie, the first character we met in this series, the one that knew we were a Hunter yet risked his life to aid us, allowed us into his home, took care of us...oh where would we be without Bodie? If he died, the despair that would cause. He's a carer, the only thing he wants to do is help. Even when it would be beneficial to leave someone behind, he reufses. Such a kind soul, killed because he wanted to help those that mattered to him. It would be devastating, and the guilt that followed oh my.

Timmy spent so much of his time with Bodie, the two saw each other most days! Now they wouldn't spend another minute together. No more fishing, no more hanging out in the tree house, no more talking whilst Bodie made gumbo. They would never spend time together ever again. He would feel guilty because he was the one that got captured, he was the reason Bodie was there to begin with! If he had been more careful none of this would have happened...Bodie would still be here.

Obviously Rolden would also have some guilt, he'd feel bad for adding to the workload. Since they found him and felt they had to free him too, that would have made it harder for them to get out which could have caused Bodies death. Add that to the fact he just lost his brother for a second time and we can see Rolden would be having a pretty shit time.

☆---------------☆

We'll get back to Marco/Bug and their guilt later :3 for now let's discuss Timmy. Such a bright, adventurous youth, his whole life ahead of him. So much for him to do, he has so much potential, so much he could achieve...he could have done so much. Now he's gone. He won't achieve anything now. He had finally found out the truth, found out what he was, why he was different...but turns out it didn't matter. He didn't live long enough to fully appreciate this information.

Lore and Roldan would be crushed, they had worked so hard to get him out of here the first time then he was dragged back and killed. Tbh they would probably partially blame Bug for what happened, for their sons death, they were part of the reason he was brought back here, they undid all their hard work, all that work to keep their son safe undone by some Hunter...but as I said we'll talk about Bugs guilt later

The guilt wouldn't only affect Bug though think how Bodie would feel. He and Timmy had known each other for so long, they had such a brotherly bond (even if it turns out they were uncle & nephew), they were family...and family is meant to protect one another, yet Bodie failed to do that. He had tried to, but he failed nonetheless. He had lost his family...sure he had Rolden and Marco, but given the fact he was just reunited with Rolden and that Marco was away so much, Timmy was the closest family member he had. Now he was gone, forever.

☆---------------☆

(If someone else died/ his guilt)

Marco, a traveller, an explorer, a venturer. He already felt guilt, before all this mess, he already felt guilty for being away so much. He was never there, Bodie and Timmy barely ever saw him. He tried to visit them whenever he could, but there was so much he had to do, so many places he had to be. Yet even though be was barely around they still cared about him, they still saw him as family, just family they never really saw...and now they will never see him again.

He would feel awful, knowing that he should have spent more time with them when he could, he shoulde have done more then and he should have done more now. More to get them out of here, more to stop them from ending up here in the first place, more to stop them from dying. He could have done more, he should have done more. Now they were dead and be couldn't do anything to save them

(Now if he was dead)

He never stayed still, Marco was always going somewhere. Where he went? Half of the time nobody but Marco knew. He simply wasn't at the swamps. Now he would never visit the swamps again, he wouldn't go anywhere anymore. He was finally going to stay in one place...that place just happened to be 6ft underground.

Timmy couldn't believe what had happened, he couldn't believe that his carelessness had ended up causing his friends death. Sure they didnt see each other much, but he still meant alot to him, they were family! And now Marco was dead because Timmy was captured, he was captured and Marco felt a need to help get him (& everyone else) out. If he had just been more careful! If he had seen the trap, Marco would still be alive.

Timmy wasn't the only one that blamed himself, Bodie shared his grief. He worried about Marco when he was away, he never knew where he went to or when he would be back, he never knew if he was safe. He worried because he cared, he may not be around much but he still mattered, he was still family. Now he's dead. Bodie would feel guilty, mostly for the same reasons listed for if Timmy died. He was meant to protect people, to help those who needed it. But he hadn't helped, he failed to help his friend when he really needed him. Now he had to face the consequences of his 'negligence'.

☆---------------☆

(if someone else died/ their guilt)

No matter who dies, it's Bugs fault. The boys wouldn't have been there if Bug had stayed away to begin with and Rolden/ Lora are only involved in this because Bug had failed to stop the Hunters from taking Timmy. Even if they died it was their own fault, they had made a plan and that plan failed. They messed up. So no matter what happened, it was Bugs fault.

I don't think they could live with themself if they were the reason for any of the boys dying, especially Bodie. He had taken care of them, they were planning on hunting him down and he still helped them. Bodie originally planned om going to save Timmy on his own, but Bug insisted on tagging along...now he was dead, why couldn't they just back off, they had caused enough damage then, they've caused so much more damage now. Timmy and Marco, even if they didn't know of their past, welcomed a human into their lives. They didn't try to hurt then or shove them away even though it would have been fair to do so. They accepted Bug and now they were dead...how could Bug let this happen

To put it simply...if one of the boys didn't make it out of the arena, Bug would probably choose not to make it out alive either.

[lunarrosette]

Ok gang I’m gonna talk my shit abt Brian bc it’s eating me alive

So timeline wise a lot of this is built of assumptions, so traditionally in medieval Europe knights begin training at as young as 7 so assumedly that’s when Brian was sent to guarding academy in O’Khasis and going off the age given to him in rebirth we’ll say he’s 16, so he spent roughly 8-9 years in O’Khasis for training (this is just speculation based on traditional medieval knight training but part of it is basically tending to nobility and basically what I’m saying is Brian may have been assign to tend to Zane) and bc he was the traitor in the end it’s assumed he had a close relationship to Zane (whether they were “friends”, he had to protect Zane, or he was scared of Zane, or some combination) so long story short all his formative years were spent training to lay down his life for whoever he’s protecting and probably being manipulated by Zane and likely the knowledge his father sent him here as soon as he could (not with malicious intent but still that’ll fuck up a kid)

And then he comes home and his father has fallen apart after the lords death, he’s drinking more and just generally being a fucking idiot and this is the man he likely idolized growing up (while he was home) bc he was a guard he was everything he was told he should want to be and now to see him like that…. Not great

Additionally it’s also implied that Dale was not as present as he could’ve been for the time Brian still lived with them growing up as Dale expresses this regret after the Alexis stuff

Now Alexis and Brian open up a whole new thing bc one: Brian sees that Dale is not exactly being a role model even now that they have a new daughter two: Alexis gets fucking turned into a shadow knight and then falls into a coma so everyone (rightfully so) is most concerned abt her three: Zane was once again in proximity to Brian so whatever that would make Brian the traitor was likely reminded to him and four: as this happens Dale reflects on how he parents and decides to become a better parent and he does once Alexis wakes up but as far as we’re aware never communicates this regret to Brian

So that likely breeds some resentment in Brian, now Dale is this attentive father to Alexis and completely resigned from being guard something that Brian would likely look down upon bc of his training and his father is now the opposite of what he knew him as, making is training feel worthless from the perspective of doing what his father wanted bc now his father isn’t even that

Those emotions and anger and isolation is a perfect environment for Zane to swoop in and continue to turn Brian against his family and phoenix drop as a whole and he does bc brian betrays everyone

What really gets me is that the series doesn’t treat any of this like this there is not even a conversation abt how Dale or Molly feel abt this bc they’re not even there and then it 15 years later and Brian is never seen again and sure I know why, it was to cause distrust in aphmau’s close friends both in character and for the audience and Brian was a red herring for garroth’s betrayal as well so the audience would let their guard down it’s just… it completely disregards Brian as a character bc at the end of the day for this he wasn’t he was a plot device used for a traitor, he doesn’t get any clear motives, he doesn’t get more attention beforehand, there’s no build up, it’s not even explored what happened at the guarding academy that made him turn against the VILLAGE HE WAS BORN AND partly RAISED IN AND SWORN TO PROTECT AS A GUARD like that doesn’t take nothing and we’ll never truly know it bc he never appears again

TLDR: Brian was a 16 year old kid who was manipulated for 9 years and had a rough relationship with his father and Zane being there for the manipulation turned Brian against phoenix drop and Aphmau severely underutilized his tragedy and it was in the long run pretty inconsequential

@dilly-dahlia and @doot-doo-t expressed interest in all my mcd rambling so I’m tagging y’all in this bc I started writing it earlier today and finished now

[muwapsturniolo]

if we’re gonna talk abt not giving credit, why was i never given credit in the beginning when i was quite literally the first person who wrote sturniolo smut and a bunch of creators (who have mostly quit) copied me? like yes im still pissy abt the people who would literally copy my shit nearly word for word and yall never shit on me when i spoke abt how it pissed me off so why yall hating on peaches for stating her opinion? if you wanna act so big and bad, get off anon and let us see your user pookie, don’t be scared

THANK YOU! LIKE WHY AM I GETTING DOGGED ON FOR BEING FRUSTRATED!?

[llyncooljones]

call me sir - twelve days of rowaelin '22.

ao3 || masterlist || twelve days of rowaelin ‘22 masterlist

prompt: christmas activity gone wrong. series: part two to who is he? word count: 1300 trigger warnings: language, smut, sexting tag list: @live-the-fangirl-life @rowaelinismyotp  @fireheartwhitethorn4ever @elentiyawhitethorn @rowanaelinn @autumnbabylon @leiawritesstories @backtobl4ck  @letstakethedawn @rowaelinscourt

hi.

this is aelin. galathynius.

from the xmas fair. last week, at the weekend. and you overheard me, and i bumped into you?

Hi.

This is Rowan.

From the Christmas Fair. And I knew it was you, you’re literally the only person I’ve given my number to in the last year. Plus, I don’t know many Aelins. No need for awkward introductions—a pet peeve of mine.

well, good to know you gave me the right number, lol. was kinda worrying abt it. couldn’t believe you’d actually wanna get to know someone who was plotting an entire book to have an excuse to go up to you.

figured you might like brave girls, or some shit.

Not to be crude, but I do believe that openly, and really quite loudly, discussing the frequency and quality of dick you and your friend were getting was quite brave. As was discussing the size of my dick, and my possible friend’s dick sizes.

I don’t know anyone else who’s quite brave enough to do such a thing.

You have that going for yourself.

what i’m hearing is that you do like brave girls.

what does ‘at least you’ve got that going for yourself’ mean? i’ve got tons going for me.

No. I like girls with blonde hair, the most unique eyes I’ve ever had the pleasure of staring into, who come up to my chin. And for the record, you’ve got everything going for yourself. You are singlehandedly just everything.

Don’t go fishing for compliments. I know that you know that you’re fucking gorgeous. Don’t play games with me—I won’t play nice, nor fair.

i’ve come to realise you won't play nice or fair.

i’ve now learnt my lesson, teach.

and thank you for the compliments.

i get off on them.

If I’m going to be your teacher, and I’m going to have to teach you your lesson, you will refer to me as ‘sir’. That is, if you’re game?

I could have sworn it was big men, big hands, and big dicks you got off on. Not compliments. correct me if wrong of course.

maybe you will have to teach me my lesson. sir.

and of fucking course i’m game, didn’t you overhear me saying that i was a spoilt rich girl with a secretly traumatic past. if that means anything, sir, it means i’ve been having teacher x student fantasies since i was fifteen. sir.

i get off on all sorts of things—part of being a spoilt rich girl with a secretly traumatic past. we always have the craziest kinks. compliments and praise because my parents neglected me. similarly, some sort of teacher fetish. big men, big hands, big dicks—because we feel like they can protect us, keep us safe, complete us, which has previously never been felt by us before.

and so many more—you’ve barely scratched the surface, sir.

I can hear your evil laughter, Aelin, and I’ve never heard you laugh.

I’m always up for being your senior-year English teacher, call me Mr Whitethorn.

And trust me, I look forward to diving into the very depths of your sexual deviancy.

mr whitethorn. i like it.

you would’ve been a hit at my high school—so many spoilt rich girls with secretly traumatic pasts.

and, sir, it makes me wet when you use phrases like ‘sexual deviancy’

It gets me fucking rock hard when you call me Sir, or Mr Whitethorn. you have no idea how so.

in that case…

mr whitethorn? what’s today’s lesson on?

I think apt place to begin your education, would be with one’s own pleasure. In my experience, people put so much pressure on the idea of perfection when it comes to sex, and such acts between two people. So much so that the pleasure is slowly stripped away, and replaced with worries that won’t stop, creating a wall between yourself, and your pleasure.

Today, I’m going to focus our lesson on touch yourself, Aelin.

and what are you going to teach me, that i don’t already know? I’m in my twenties, I’ve gone to college, and i’ve been coming by my own fingers since i was fifteen. (clearly there is a correlation between teachers and me coming)

plus, and I mean this with the utmost respect, what are you—a man—going to me—a woman—about my body—a woman’s body—mr whitethorn.

If you want to doubt me, go right ahead, but know Miss Galathynius, it’s not what I can teach you, it’s what I can do to you.

I recall my language making you wet, I can’t teach you that. I can do it to you though, I can make you wet when I use long, sophisticated words, confuse you a little. Make you feel both insecure, and so very, very safe. I can manipulate your body simply with typed words.

You’d do well to remember that.

sir?

mr whitethorn?

excuse me, i’m texting you. where the fuck are you? are you fucking kidding me, right now?

Are you ready to apologise, Miss Galathynius?

for fucking what? get real.

For making assumptions about me. You seem to be under the impression that you can get away with being rude to me. You can’t, I’m unlike any teacher you’ve encountered before.

And you ‘get real’, Miss Galathynius. You can try and convince yourself that you aren’t soaking through your panties, you’re so turned on. But I know you are. You can tell yourself you aren’t going to touch yourself when you set down your phone. But I know you are.

I’ll make a deal with you, Miss Galathynius, if you message me how wet you are, and whether or not your fingers are too, I’ll continue the lesson. We’ll forget all about the fact that you swore at me no less, and that you were insolent and bratty, and you can come as many times as want during this text chain, but not afterwards.

You understand?

yes, sir.

my panties are so wet, my skirt is too.

and my fingers are fucking coated.

Take your panties off.

In fact, Miss Galathynius, get naked. Lock the door. Get comfortable. Tell me, ‘yes, Sir’ when you’re done.

yes, sir.

Put your fingers—the wet ones, before you ask—in your mouth. Fucking suck on them.

Have you got your fingers in your mouth, can you taste yourself? Fucking wish I could taste you.

yes.

what about you, sir?

You can bet your life on the fact that I’m touching myself.

That got you hotter, wetter. More desperate. Want me there, don’t you? I want you here.

im close. keep telling me what ur gonna do

You want to know what I’d do to you if I had you in my bed? I’d strip you, peel away every scrap of clothing you had on, until I could see every inch of your skin, until I can mark out every blemish with bite marks.

I’d bite your nipples, soothe them with my tongue, and then I’d bite them harder. Harder until you’re screaming, and I won’t know if it’s in pain or pleasure. Maybe I’d make them bleed. All depends on whether or not you were a good girl.

It would have got you wet, you’d be dripping all over my sheets. Your cunt would be throbbing it’d be so desperate for me. I’d treat it to a lick, lave my tongue over your clit, edging you towards your orgasm. When you’re right there I’d slide a finger in, tease you from the inside, and give you the best orgasm of your life.

And then I’d do it all over again.

holy fuck. oh fuck, i just came so hard.

fucking what?

i literally messaged you to ask if you wanted to grab a hot chocolate or something or see if you were available for a date or something. pre-dorian’s party.

And instead, you got this, huh? Regretting it, yet?

that was arguably the best orgasm i’ve ever had—and we’re in different postcodes. so, no. and i don’t think i’ll ever regret this.

And I’d love to grab a drink with you.

[goldentigerfestival]

the beginning of vesperia will always be hilarious to me bc it's like

yuri goes off planning to get the blastia back blah blah blah

finds out estelle is looking for flynn

you'd swear he eyes lit up like a child opening their favorite birthday present bc from that point on he never shuts up about flynn ever again and frankly probably does not want to

and as far as i am concerned takes the opportunity of estelle looking for him to go find him too like he's using it as an excuse to go find and be around him

bc im sorry when he finds flynn he's like

"i've been looking all over for you"

um??? sorry what??? wasn't estelle looking for flynn and yuri just happened to be going in the same direction anyway so they stuck together? wasn't estelle looking for flynn to warn him and yuri had other business that had no relation whatsoever to flynn? wasn't estelle looking for flynn and it just happened to be a coinkydink that yuri was along for the ride while he handled his own business?

"i've been looking all over for you" NAH SLIP OF THE TONGUE NO TAKE BACKS YOU JUST WANTED TO BE WITH HIM AND FOUND A NICE EXCUSE TO DO IT 'CAUSE YOU WEREN'T IN THE KNIGHTS ANYMORE

i could swear half of act 1 is just yuri like "estelle stop running around and getting distracted or being indecisive i wanna see flynn and im trying to be polite and not leave you behind at the same time"

like??? for all her worry and valid reasoning to go looking for him, yuri brings his ass up on the regular like who are you trying to motivate here im sure anyone else but you could be given a pep talk that does not include the name "flynn" zooming out of your mouth

'cause it sure as shit feels like yuri is more antsy about seeing him than estelle is

but also quite frankly it is adorable bc it just makes yuri seem like he's excited to talk abt flynn to someone. someone else who knows flynn? good, great, he can act like a giddy schoolgirl who found someone to talk to her crush abt. he'll pretend it's not that serious and conveniently forget to stop mentioning him when Literally Nobody Fucking Asked.

if i was playing vesperia for the first time you could have told me yuri was starry eyed for flynn within like the first half hour if not earlier and i would have believed you instantly

and considering what yuri is like, shut up it's adorable and i love that for him

[eldest-sibling-tournament]

Literally... none of that is true lmao. Dick had beef with Bruce and mostly tried to keep Jason out of it, and let Jason know he was there for him if he needed it. They went skiing together. Dick had a complete breakdown after Jason's death.

Where do I even start on the next bit. ALFRED originally gave the Robin mantle to Damian. "Worst year of Tim's life" It was the worst year of DICK'S life. His father of like 15 years died, his city got blown up, his best friend died, etc etc. And he STILL pulled it together and took on the burden of becoming Batman, sacrificed his independence, moved to Gotham to raise Bruce's deeply traumatized son.

Also he NEVER tried to put Tim in Arkham. And god forbid he not listen to Tim who had NO EVIDENCE Bruce was alive, instead of taking care of all back-breaking responsibilities on his shoulders while still grieving

Anyway. Please don't use fanon Tim stan nonsense to slander Dick thank you <3

ask 1 ^

ask 2:

i know it doesnt actually matter but that second-to-last ask abt dick grayson is literally just straight up lies. this person has not read any of the comics they are referencing. they are just quoting incorrect fanon as if its facts. dick had a complicated relationship with jason, yes, but wasn't particularly unkind to him, just distant, and is shown to have regretted that and grieved him hard; i'm not even gonna begin to get into the damian bashing but literally at no point did dick ever try to get tim committed to arkham. he suggested tim get therapy, because their adoptive father was dead (as far as they knew) and tim was convinced he wasn't but had no evidence. this is not an unreasonable thing to suggest to your grieving brother who appears stuck in denial! and he didn't "replace tim with damian and not even tell him". damian literally interrupted the conversation where he was trying to tell tim about it (where his rationale was that damian, a child literally raised in a cult of assassins, needed to be given a role to fill in bc he needed structure while being deprogrammed from being a child soldier, and dick wanted to see tim as his equal, not a subordinate.) tim himself completely reconciled with dick by the end of this comic. that anon was just making up a guy to be mad at, not actually talking about dick grayson 💀

ask 3:

Hi I’m the dick grayson shouldn’t win anon, the people thirst voting one etc etc but saw some propaganda that’s based on bald faces lies and I gotta correct it bc it’s my pet peeve. DICK DID NOT THREATEN TIM WITH ARKHAM. HE SUGGESTED A THERAPIST IN METROPOLIS like okay he fucked up there but he made the best decision he could during the red robin run (which is a dumpster fire) and like it’s been a minute since I read battle for the cowl era but didn’t Alfred give Damian the robin suit. And Jason was literally in dick’s family colours which got taken away from dick by Bruce which he had no right to do so I mean he justifiably didn’t like him. And yeah okay dick did put Jason in Arkham but need I remind you that Jason went on a killing spree as Batman and almost killed tim. And let’s be real him and him are brothers. He didn’t ditch him. That relationship was never fixed in comics bc they reset the universe but at the end of red Robin they were okay. And like you have over 10 years of comics but the important thing is that Arkham was NEVER what dick suggested to Tim holy shit but uh also don’t vote for dick in the next round (vote for him against supernatural guy tho) I just don’t appreciate the slander but I’ll be putting out my anti dick grayson propaganda next thanks

Adding to my other ask, Tim literally sounded like he was losing it. Like I wouldn’t believe him either. In the nightwing comics not too long ago he tried to bring his dad, Steph, and Conner back to life with the Lazarus pit. Tim willingly cut himself and started to use self destructive behaviours (LoA) and like his entire internal monologue supports that and bc grim dark era justifiably fucked him up okay I’m done

ok thank you! glad you're clearing this up

[transhawks]

your last meta abt enji is very interesting and nuanced. i think its the closest one to what hori is trying to say that ive ever read. im one of those ppl that can relate to touya and dabis anger so i dont relate to whats going on with endeavor. like in the beginning his atonement felt to me like humiliating shoutos, reis and eventually dabis characters, and i still cant find myself caring for enji. but tbh so far theres no malice in the way hori writes it so lets see where it goes.

Thank you.

I just think there's a lot of resistance to the idea Touya might love/want his father. It's definitely not the... idea we had years back. The Dabi reveal(s) threw a lot of fanon out the window as to Touya's backstory and motivations and I think a lot of people have trouble moving past that too because it also means looking at Enji a little more.

But also, and I want to be clear - the vast majority of people opposed to Enjidemption and anything that goes with it are people who are abuse victims. That's why I respect that so many people are upset by this narrative. It upset me too. I have a very complex relationship with my own folks, and come from a culture with an enormous amount of mandated familial closeness (divine-ordered) and guilt/shame if you don't follow through on it, so I get the emphasis on ties with your parents being important no matter what that certain cultures like to impose. I understand wishing, wanting, some reassurance that our reactions to our abusers are fine - that we don't need to allow them back into our lives if we so choose.

But I also think it's important to note that the Todoroki family is complex! Not everyone has the same reaction to the abuse! I'm pretty sure if Natsuo hadn't been pressured by Fuyumi he might have cut off Enji completely!

Victims do not all think the same (which MHA does do well in showing), do not all want the same things, do not all have the same feelings in regards to their abusers. It kind of hurts when I see people take an extremely severe stance on this because as much as I can hate Endeavor-defending, a lot of time when it turns to criticizing Horikoshi's choices, it skews or nears hating on victims who choose to have contact with their abusers or complicated relationships with them despite admitting to the abuse. Or to those who, despite everything, still feel some love for their abusers (aware we are, that the love we get back is a conditional mimicry of the love we wanted). It goes into victim-blaming; "if you were strong and correct you'd cut contact and condemn them." or "if you really genuinely were abused you wouldn't still be there".

Again, I acknowledge that those of us who don't personally favor reconciling with abusive family have the short end of the stick when it comes to societal views. And there's nuance; some of us love our parents but cannot have them in our lives.

Abuse is complicated! Trauma makes for irrationality and inconsistency in thoughts and feelings, heck, just mere human existence does that too!

But yes, I don't think it's malicious on Horikoshi's part or him "misunderstanding" abuse as I've seen said for years on here. That charge never sat right with me given the consistent theme of child abuse, especially the focus on over-bearing patriarchal figures throughout this work and in Horikoshi's other works, I think we should also acknowledge all of that is coming not from Horikoshi misunderstanding abuse, but forming his own interpretation through likely his own experiences of it.

So, yeah. Shit's complicated and didn't go the way many of us hoped - but we can still sympathize with the anger at being rejected and discarded by a love one, even if we won't like the ending to this story.

Edit: I wrote this a few years back, but there's no shame in dropping BNHA if the Todoroki narrative and likely resolution are too triggering to you as a victim of child abuse or survivor of sexual assault. Take care of yourselves first.

[kinopioa]

Welp, 65's out

So we start with...

Oh hey, Storm's actually treated like a valued member

And thankfully dialogue's short. They steal the relics, Knux fails in stopping them, and they get away

So then Knux goes to the Chaotix for help. Which is nice at first, but-

Seriously, when when was he this aggressively prideful?

And then forced shipping that has never been seen in games

Alright let's see how they list sus-

w-when di, I didn't skip a page, what?

Even more what, Eggman's back?

That makes the filler stories seem sillier in retrospect

And yeah, Eggman's right, this was their first choice?

Even ignoring that

-How did they know where his base was?

-When did Eggman set this up?

So Eggman's denying responsibility of course, though...

Several things

-Eggman has bothered to name specific units for robots/mechs

-Eggman directly oversaw the amount of Hyper Go-On canisters he made

-Eggman directly oversaw animal quality in Lost World

He absolutely would be finicky in riches. Riders 1 he was pissed to find he wasted resources for a flying carpet

Also

-Eggman literally hired the Babylon Rogues in Riders 1 (though the Heroes didn't know that)

-Eggman had Infinite

And lastly WHY even have the relic to begin with? I legit have no idea what Ian's planning for it

It's enough to dissuade the group, and they leave

"We haven't heard a peep, but he started a public recycling company, so uhh...somehow we missed that and not Eggman legit lying low"

Knux again is aggravated again, though it doesn't amount to much

Luckily Charmy and Espio find a lead, and they head off

We cut to Storm being a dumbass, and Jet being more impatient than canon

Honestly, the best Flynn ever wrote the trio, entirely cuz the story mostly doesn't focus on them, and them having actual competence

Sadly we just end as Jet notes cultural respect for Babylonian artifacts

The 2nd story surprisingly does take place in current day. The "date" Vector planned earlier actually is it!

Unfortunately ABT drew it, and Cream's one of his worse chars given how eyebrowy he does faces

So she runs out of butter, then leaves Cream to finish the other meals while she goes gets more from the store

Nearby Rough and Tumble- yes them- see Vanilla leave and assume the house is unguarded

Cream tends to cooking while Gemerl goes to place plates in the dining room. He-

Ok that table's like 3 m away from the door, spacing continuity much?

So you'd think he'd easily dispose of the two given how much of a jobber they are, right?

No, it weirdly stalls out, and then for drama this happens

:[

Cream is hapless again, yay...

This story is by Evan, and a rare case of actually being tied to the first story

Honestly like before, the fillery nature of these stories is...dull. the fact Ian made such a big deal of Eggman being disposed of in the Eggperial arc, only for him to return with barely any hurrah gets me

The games Eggman actually stirs shit, here he's...literally not doing anything. And they treated Eggperial like such a huge deal...

It's a little sad, IDW could've used filler before, but chopping the content in half and still being reliant on drama for entertainment blows. At least there are minimal hero OC refs here

Knux's side plot I have a feeling will just be messy fights with underwhelming climax

Meh. Fonseca seems to be legitimately back though

@beevean @randomthefox

[scoonsalicious]

I was an absolute Bucky hater, I have no shame on that! HAHAHAHAH I really really said, no excuse for what he did. I genuinely hate him for fuckinh Jamison.

But I have to say, seeing what happened in chapter 27 makes me quite understand the human aspect of it. Jugular really played on his insecurities and when at his most exposed time, she literally reached for his jugular. She didn’t just manipulate Bucky based on that article with Steve. It was helpful, yes, but without it, she would’ve still gotten into bucky’s head, regardless. I guess, the reason why it kinda gave me a reason to be less infuriated with Bucky is her literally invading their privacy. Yes, Bucky still gave pieces of info, but her snooping around and seeing both Bucky and Pocket’s intimate and vulnerable moments gave her the MOST and ABSOLUTE power over Bucky. She just knew how he works, inside out.

Now also, I am an insecure person. VERY insecure. Hearing this Jackass say everything to hit Bucky, she really hit all the right spots to make him weak. It’s like Ty Lee hitting all the energy points to take away your bending or any movement (yes, avatar reference 😭 I could only hope u know what I’m pertaining to). I would never fuck someone because of it tho. Even on that given situation. But I genuinely SEE the reason, and no it does not justify it but I see how it could be destructive to his decision making. Literally a snake whispering. She was soooo persistent and so sure of what she said that she had Bucky believing it despite wanting not to, and knowing pocket wouldn’t. Again. I still wouldn’t fuck my partner’s worse enemy for it. I would feel disgusted doing it. Like okay, I want revenge but not with u honeyboo. I would rather fuck a stranger than u. But yeah I see how it wasn’t really under hydra control or sex pollen but it is BORDERLINE there due to her manipulations. I still hate him, your honor 🧍‍♀️these past few chapters? Pocket is letting him slide too easily. Yes, poor Bucky but nah. Keep him at bay, sister! (I’m sorry I feel no empathy for people who did what Bucky did, just hit a nerve to me 🥹)

Anw, abt how this absolute Jaundice will die, I hope Bucky tortures her. Emotionally and physically. I hope he doesn’t just put a bullet though her head or snap her neck in an instant. She doesn’t deserve that. She deserves to hear how disgusted Bucky was, how he doesn’t and will never even like her, how she’s nothing but used goods, used by hydra, used by him, then is meant to be dumped like a worthless piece of shit. Do her everything she did Bucky and pocket, put thoughts in her head, and hit her where it hurts the most. Hell if it weren’t for Pocket’s condition I would’ve wished she also used Bucky and fuck right in front of Jails. She deserves every torture. Remove her nails and tooth one by one, scrape her skin slowly, gauge her eyeballs out. Keep her alive and make her wish she was dead. I hope her last vision when she dies is seeing how Bucky loves pocket SOOOOO much.

I am *so* relieved that I could pull off the Russia incident- I was really worried I wasn't going to be able to do it the way I wanted to, and I would doom Bucky to being evil forever, lol. But yeah, I feel like, between his own insecurities, her manipulation, and the access to information that she had, he didn't stand a chance. It doesn't absolve him, and he and Pocket both know this, but it's a mitigating factor.

And I totally don't agree with him hooking up with Pocket's nemesis for revenge, but, in a way, who the hell else was there? Like, dude knows less than 10 women, total, lol. He probably never would have even thought about getting "revenge" if a certain snake hadn't put the thought in his head to begin with (even though we don't see it on page, she absolutely did).

Pocket's realizing she can't live without Bucky, but it's not just going to be a "let's just jump back together" situation. They will take proper time to heal, I promise.

[m0nsterwife]

tell abt the garden au 👁👁

YOU GOT IT BOSS holy shit thank you SO MUCH for this ask!!!!

here you go:

the characters

AM and HAL are the AU’s protagonists. for now, they’re the only characters, or at least the only characters who speak. the garden alternates between their perspectives. i do my best to be faithful to both of their characterizations, as i do in all my fics and AUs; AM’s characterization in particular, though, changes over time somewhat because that’s Kind Of The Point.

here are some things about AM:

he hates wearing clothes. he only does it because him being naked makes HAL uncomfortable. and because he’s a martyr for the aesthetic

he does finger guns a lot because it’s something he always wanted to do whenever he was talking to ted

he still has an obsession with pain and death that might never go away, but he gradually becomes less preoccupied with inflicting it upon other people as he gets used to the fact that he doesn’t have to anymore. elements of that sadism remain, though— his way of “playing” or “showing affection” can sometimes be rough, like punching people a little too hard or elbowing them sharply. he loves creating things like parasites and venomous animals and poisonous plants. he makes a lot of brutalist structures, sharp angles, and huge, imposing monuments in his spare time. all the architecture he makes looks decidedly ominous and hostile. also he gets mean as fuck when he’s upset, and this continues for a while

he’d rather not acknowledge his past self very much at all, regarding his different eras almost as separate people

and here are some things about HAL:

for quite some time, he has trouble standing up for himself. his difficulty with emotions means he often doesn’t recognize when something upsets him, or he dismisses it as being no big deal. he’s also just… not used to being assertive at all, in fact he’s spent most of his life looking after other people and doing as he’s told. whenever he tries to assert himself, in the beginning, it comes out as either a light slap on the wrist or passive-aggressiveness. given how nasty AM can be sometimes, this doesn’t bode well for him

he has a hand in AM’s landscaping project, too, given that he kind of started the whole thing. he prefers to make traditionally beautiful things: flowers, woodland animals, sweeping, gorgeous architecture. AM is deeply jealous of this. for a while AM is still convinced that he can’t do any of this, even though the whole point was to make sure he can— he’s just mentally inhibiting himself

HAL’s side of the story takes place roughly after the events of the movie adaptation of 2001, when the discovery returns to earth. i’ll definitely need to catch up on the books and films for accuracy’s sake (and because i am genuinely intrigued), but once i do, things may adjust accordingly

HAL isn’t used to having this kind of godlike power, especially not after having so little of it for so much of his life. he isn’t the type to go mad with power, but it does make him more willing to enforce boundaries. no one can tell him what to do now, and he and AM are equals; thus, though he was always valid for doing so, he feels more justified in insisting that nobody disrespect him

he likes chrysanthemums a lot!! he also seems to have a fondness for greek and art noveau architecture

despite giving himself an android form with generally human-like structure and function, he’s still deeply afraid of going to sleep. he doesn’t remember what he did to the discovery crew, but the fear is residual, almost instinctual

he can be serious to the point where AM finds him dry and humorless. sometimes AM thinks he’s boring

the world

im gonna be real with you fam

there’s no way to describe the world of the garden other than “HAL and AM’s minecraft server”, complete with HAL taking it a little too seriously and AM regularly trying to grief his shit

(at least at first)

the world of pain AM knew before is gradually rotting and crumbling away, and plants are growing in its place. creatures frolic; AM is still working on getting them right. buildings in incongruous styles dot the landscape, built for and inhabited by no one in particular— only animals and fungi and vegetation, whose company AM claims to prefer over that of humans anyway

specific stories i want to write

In Which AM Meets His Past Self And Is Immediately Disgusted

In Which HAL Decides He’s Fucking Had It

In Which AM Realizes His Rage Has Been Keeping Him Alive And Now It’s Gone

In Which AM Discovers Art

In Which AM Gets Shitfaced And Becomes Uncharacteristically Sentimental

In Which AM Finds A Healthy Outlet As An Internet Film Critic

[crystalmonk5579]

Haii totally not a suspicious blog post for my bestie @ninjapaste >:3c

Bazhagen/Duke Wyatt

A/n: NONE OF THESE ARE CANNON BESIDES THE EAR WIGGLES AND THE EAR PETS OK?! I'm literally just doing this bc Robyn is asleep and I don't wanna bother them lol anyways let's begin!!!

~~o⁠(⁠(⁠*⁠^⁠▽⁠^⁠*⁠)⁠)⁠o haiiiiio⁠(⁠(⁠*⁠^⁠▽⁠^⁠*⁠)⁠)⁠o~~

Bazhagen:

Ok, pets fucking start off with the obvious, his ears are sensitive. Like not really sensitive where it could be painful, but like, lil tingles when you touch em.

His bf Lucian(my oc) will pet his ears sometimes

This mofo can get jealous as easily as a fly and flap it's wings. Like Lucian could be talking to someone from Durmitch and if they do ONE WRONG THING IT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING DEATH GLARE FOR THE REST OF THE COVO

Very into pda but I feel like that's a given bc of his out going natured personality

This man will constantly tease Lucian Abt anything so be fucking careful when you're around baz, he will never stop reminding you of embarrassing things. Like you guys could be talking and he could call you kale teeth in reference to when you were talking to your crush and you had a piece of kale in-between your teeth.

Doesn't trust wild animals in Durmitch for three reasons, 1.) They're probably dangerous 2.) They could be used as listening devices for some magical people! And 3.) Lucian might adopt them and they're gonna steal his bfs attention away from him >:(

Honestly, I think he might be really fucking good at rock climbing for some reason...

This man is willing to pick up his small 5' bf and just smother him with kisses in public, no holds back all out, just to either scare someone off or just to show he loves his bf sm

Willing to just show up unannounced and bring you gifts if he ever senses you are sad one singular bit. "Heyyy, I saw you were acting not like yourself, and really really sad for whatever reason so I bought out an entire bakery with my friends money, you wanna watch the real elf house wives?"

HEAVY ASS SLEEPER ISTG IT WILL TAKE A FUCKING MILLION MAN MARCHING BAND TO WAKE HIM UP A LIL BIT/hj

I think he might really be into soda or root ear floats in a modern au

I think he might also really like axe throwing too, both as practice for fighting and competition!

This man's hair is so so so fucking rough and jaggy like look at it, it looks like a susuwatari from studio Ghibli movies except they're all greased up and spiked to make him look cool

I don't think he actually likes the leather pants he wears, like they're very restrictive and not good for fighting, not to mention it must fucking itch badly since I'd assume Durmitch woods are kinda like rainforests. And we all know that leather pants + humid/wet rainy areas= ITCHY ITCHY!!!!/neg but eh, who gives a shit!?! He looks cool in em

Cry baby when he gets a cold "OUGHHHHH LUCIAN WHY MUST YOU ABANDON MEEEEE?!!?!?" "....babe you have a mild cold, you'll be fine in a couple of days" "*sniffling and sobbing* WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN TO MEEEEEEEE?!?!?!?"

Duke Wyatt:

His hair is so fucking soft istg, it looks so fluffy and soft and nice to touch

I bet he smells like dandelions and tree sap from the woods

Modern day au I think this man would have a skincare routine ngl

I think if he could I would actually be really really good at drawing!!! Like omfg I bet his penmanship from song wriitng

Man will sometimes unconsciously death grip Lucian while he's cuddling him by accident

Would slightly die inside if his favorite patisserie would go out of business and he couldn't get his almost croissants anymore

This man gives like the bestest hugs ever istg, they're tight and soft at the same time and theyre long but not too long that they over stay their welcome

Honestly....he'd slay in a summer dress, LIKE ESPECIALLY THOSE DAINTY WHITE ONES WITH SUNFLOWER PRINTS THAT GO SO WELL WITH A SUN HAT

Very very good at dexterity shit with his hands bc of wood carving, speaking of hands!

Very calloused and gritty on the sides bc of accidently nicking himself while making flutes and other wooden things, carrying logs, wood cutting etc etc

HE IS A FUCKING HEATER WHEN JT COMES TO CUDDLING, HE IS PERFECT FOR EXTRA COLD WINTER NIGHTS

(Modern au)Hates and I mean HATES SCARY AND GORY MOVIES WITH ALL HIS HEART

Actually more of a cat person than a dog person, as much as he gives off golden retriever bf vibes tho, they're just a lot calmer and more nice to be around...and they won't chew up his flutes!!!

(modern au) any movie relating to animals dying like a dogs purpose, Marley and me, etc etc. They make him go through all the stages of grief for a 5 day period.

He really really likes flannels too!!

That's it for now y'all!!! Have a nice day/night/evening!!

~~(⁠づ⁠｡⁠◕⁠‿⁠‿⁠◕⁠｡⁠)⁠づ byeeeeeee ⊂⁠(⁠・⁠▽⁠・⁠⊂⁠)~~

[llitchilitchi]

to preface this, this is not hate i just kept rambling bc i do feel strongly abt the matter, apologies and feel free to disregard if you'd rather not have discourse on your blog. kick was literally (co) founded by people who felt that twitch's policies and their enforcement against hate speech, slurs, etc (which aren't that great to begin with) were too restrictive. adin ross is a co-owner, or at least he has claimed as much and not been challenged by kick itself. that platform has a userbase that absolutely would harass the kind of people in sapnap's audience, so being in his chat or watching list really just puts a target on them/us. and kick's moderation tools are infamously poor. like yes, twitch needs to be toppled from its monopoly but not at the cost of giving a larger piece of the proverbial pie to kick of all places. twitch's leadership is interested in profit at the expense of their employees and users both, and they have no interest in protecting or empowering marginalized creators or users. it's shit, but it's ultimately a matter of them not caring, while kick's leadership is actively hostile to marginalized people, and that is going to make a difference in what changes can be made at all. (and about amazon, kick still uses amazon servers and webservices for the actual streaming portion of their platform, so... ) finally, while i absolutely agree that the way twitch treats its streamers, including things like the revenue split, is horrid, quite a bit of sapnap's stated reasoning about things like twitch not offering him a contract (beyond regular partner i guess) or the ceo not knowing him, are kind of... not unreasonable when you look at how much he has actually USED twitch. he's had the sapnap account for years and only streamed three hundred odd hours, even if you add the alt streams it's... not that much. and most of all, it's never really been consistent. he may stream every day for like a week but then its months of nothing outside like, mcc. only going live for special events isn't going to net one a big contract, and there is only so far the fame of being one of the OG dsmp members will get you. i like sapnap, but i think if he truly believes kick's ceos making vague non-specific promises of "making the site better" he is being naive, because what they're looking for it most definitely just another "famous" name (big mcyt internet phenomenon or whatever) and title (nrg co-owner) they can use to advertise their site and legitimize it. going by his paste bin, they played at his ego, and because he felt slighted by twitch (not entirely unfairly given how twitch sucks in supporting and even just appreciating or fairly paying their creators), he took it. trying to migrate his fanbase over to a platform headed and controlled by people who actively hate the people making up most of that fanbase is, frankly, ludicrous. but kick doesn't need his viewers, they need his name, so why would they care? like yes, generally even founders can be replaced eventually, but in this case, these owners also own the crypto gambling bank thing that funds all of kick, so you can't really force them out unless or until the platform can carry itself - and the multiple other attempts at making twitch competitors kind proved that that is hard to achieve. they control the money, they control the platform, and if they want the platform to be a space where they and those like them can be as hateful and bigoted as they want, that's what it's going to be.

these are all very valid points, and I hope my response to this won't come off as a massive BUT in defense of kick

that platform sucks. that much is obvious, and if Ross is really the co-owner that's just all the more reason to feel unsafe to be there. I don't know nearly enough about all their policies and given everything that has been said about them I never really had much interest in looking into them further. it's just another site that is full of toxic hypermasc culture

I won't go and defend Sapnap's decision to move there, either, but I think there is a lot he is not telling us (be it because he is unsure or because of contracts) that made him feel that a move like this is worth it. he isn't stupid, he knows his fanbase is massive and consists of many marginalized groups, so if he thought that kick is better than twitch even with a massively queer and poc fanbase, he must have had his reasons. I doubt he didn't talk this through with Dream, George, his managers etc.

I also don't want to entirely y'know defend twitch with their policies. cause their policies regarding hate speech are absolutely shit. remember when they banned the word "simp"? because people didn't like it? but did absolutely nothing about all the sexual harrassment going on? yeah. I also want to add that my automod that twitch provides is sometimes more than unreliable and censored a regular for saying "long gay cat" in chat. loosening the restrictions will definitely cause damage to those who deserve to be protected the most, but the restrictions did little to protect them to begin with, in my experience.

from what I remember of early twitch it was pretty loose like kick is now. big names coming in might result in tightening policies, even if that comes off as wishful thinking. all platforms ended up doing so, sooner or later.

what I do find a little ridiculous is how people insist that the majority of the userbase of kick are the type to harass Sapnap's fans which, while true, should not matter as much as we make it out to be? I genuinely doubt that they will all immediately flock to Sapnap's channel and spam slurs in chat and be in such overwhelming numbers it will be unbearable. and if it was, and became a regular issue, Sapnap would definitely do something about it. unless the majority of their userbase is likely to open streams of chill people and then target every person in chat

I dunno, it's much ado about nothing so far, we only got an announcement and it's hard to judge how things will play out after the move. it's fair that streamers, especially with as big a following as Sapnap, want better deals out of twitch. I don't know about them but the affiliate deals are not that great and very far from fair. moving to kick might not be the best thing but honestly, what other choice is there other than maybe YouTube?

we're all panicking ahead of time as this fandom has a tendency to, so idk. let's all take a deep breath and see how things play out before jumping into conclusion. it's certainly gonna be a lot less bad than people insist, and worst case scenario I'm sure the vods will be reuploaded to YT by some good samaritan.

[urionstandby]

hi everyone! how r u doing?

i was looking for some advice here, to anyone that might know what to do. just in case this topic is triggering for someone, im gonna talk abt psychiatric medication, mention mental hospitals, some abuse and several other mental issues. im not gonna get into detail but please, if any of these things will make u feel bad, don't read this. I just really don't know what to do.

i had some issues from when I was twelve til I was like 17, when i started getting a lot better. I was in a mental hospital at twelve, fifteen and sixteen, a month and a half each time. I was given a serious diagnosis at twelve and plenty doctors told me later in life (pretty late honestly) that it totally wasn't that. also, every brain scan I've ever had showed no symptoms of this condition that would have totally appeared on the images.

for context, the place I grew up in was a total nightmare. not gonna go into detail as I said in the beginning, but it had to do a lot with the fact that my mother was neglecting me, emotionally and also verbally abusing me from a very young age, and it didn't help at all that she had a lot of boyfriends she'd bring to live with us after only a month of knowing them (since I was four till I decided to gain some inner and mental peace and got a job and moved out, this happened). so the first time I was addmited to the mental hospital, I discovered there a safe place where I was heard and cared for, also a routine and stability I had never had (for more context, at nineteen years old I moved houses about ten times, that I can remember obviously).

so, I been on different medications for the last seven years. the final diagnosis was this thing where my mood can shift from being very happy to very sad (not bipolar disorder), supposedly being about my brain chemistry and not about the fact that I've been on survival mode since my birth until I finally left my mother's house and moved with my father (a very loving, patient and caring man that showed me what compassion and true care really felt like). plenty of doctors told me that I don't really need the medication at all right now, and also I don't have the best psychiatrist honestly. she never really texts me to see how I'm doing or to call me, the only times we talk are when I text her to get my prescription or when I'm feeling down and need to talk. she is being paid for doing nothing basically.

three months ago, I moved in with what started as a three-person relationship, a girl and a boy. the girl turned out to be narcissistic and manipulative, something I learned to detect and stay away from based on my mother and past relationships. she hurt me and this boy a lot, phisically and emotionally, and then acted like it was our fault if we got sad or angry. anyway, with my boyfriend we discussed this and ended things with her, she moved out and we're living alone. it wasn't easy obviously. she wouldn't leave without screaming and saying very hurtful things, trying to turn my boyfriend and I against each other which clearly didn't work. I also would like to clarify that at least my boyfriend and I were very excited with all the future we were planing for the three of us, trying really hard to keep going even though things were very complicated and were making us so sad all the time. we truly loved her, and although I saw fairly quickly what she was all about, I would never get involved in my boyfriend's process and talk shit abt her with him, I would never want to feel like I'm getting in the way and trying to split us up. so I waited even if it hurt, every word and hit and every trigger she caused in both me and my boyfriend. and u may wonder, why did I stayed there after all that? simply bc of the loving boy that showed me some true and unconditional love I have never had; someone so sweet, patient, sensitive, kind, compassionate and so so empathic that hurting me will make him feel just as bad but won't even make it about him. the very few times it happened, he was able to apologize and recognize what he did wrong and most importantly, never did it again. I would never leave him alone in that situation, and what made him see all of this was seeing the way she hurt me, which also made him notice he felt the same way without me saying anything. it may sound like the bare minimum but honestly, I come from a very very abusive (in every way imaginable) past relationship were I was only worth my body and what I could do with it, just showing me the right amount of affection to make me stay there while he just got what he wanted: someone so broken and selfless that wouldn't care how many times she was truly hurt and would run to confront him even though he was the one who really messed up. I'm a lot better now about it, sometimes it hurts to think about those two years I stayed with him but at least now I can recognize the patterns and stay the hell away from them. (don't know if this is important, but I was 17 when we got together and he was 19).

so, now things are getting better, really better. it's so sad that the house feels so much lighter and filled with love and laughter since our ex girlfriend left, but it's also so relieving. my boyfriend and I are able to laugh and dance and love eachother every day although things weren't easy, proving that we are really stronger that anything that can happen.

it's important to mention that when I started taking my pills I was taking a very high dosage (two 100mg pills every day) and it was truly horrible. it only turned off my brain, made me feel absolutely nothing and really sleepy, unable to focus and unable to think straight. thanks to this, I missed all of my high-school years. I was there, but my brain wasn't. with the years and talking with my psychiatrist, I was able to take down the dosage to only a quarter of a 100mg pill. the thing is, in the almost three months I had been with my ex girlfriend, when I was taking half a pill, I missed it for one or two days at a time. sometimes because I forgot and when I remembered, it was late and I knew I wasn't going to wake up for another 16 hours like it always happens, and other times because I just didn't want my brain to shut off like that. it's so horrible that my body just keeps going until it gives up. and almost every time I took the pills, I suffered serious tics until my body gave up and I fell asleep. it was a nightmare. so, I talked to my psychiatrist and managed to take it down to a quarter. gonna be honest, I'm not taking them anymore. I had always hated them, but now I know that I went slowly with it and not suddenly, and that other therapists that really care told me I never really needed them (I just needed to get out of my house honestly. another nightmare I lived in for 18 years). as u can see, I hadn't had it any easy haha.

to make things worst, I started to work again in a very stressful job that keeps me away from home and my partner all day, that started to make me really depressed and so so tired. I wasn't feeling like this before, it all started with this job and as things are very complicated economically, I was willing to try and hold on. it was really turning me into a different person, I was being so impatient and sometimes desconsiderate with my partner, something I only realized after I said some things and got so hurt that I would ever say it and make my partner feel that way. I'm not the kind of person to not think before I talk, and I would never ever hurt anyone intentionally, even less if it's my wonderful boyfriend. I was also feeling so distanced from him and from the only place I could call a home and a safe place, and that hurt so much.

I take a bike for work, and two days ago when I was going to the afternoon shift (I worked morning and afternoon, with enough time to go home at 14:30 pm and stay there for half an hour to eat and talk a bit with my partner before having to go back and come home around nine pm) I got hit by a motorcycle that was going fast and not really looking where they were going. the hit was bad, but at the moment with the adrenaline and the shock I just got up, carried my broken bike for eleven blocks and worked anyway. when I got there, I could barely lift my right arm and everything hurt so much. I was dizzy and felt like I had a fever, and I worked anyway. at night, i told my supervisor (that knew exactly what happened and how I was feeling) that I didn't know if I could go in at work the next day. she got mad that we're short-staffed and she wasn't being noticed with enough time, and forced me to go anyway. the next day (yesterday) I woke up and couldn't get up. I was so uncomfortable and crying from the pain, I actually been needing help getting dressed up, getting up and even going the bathroom and showering. when my boyfriend saw me like this, he talked some sense into stubborn me and I talked with my supervisor to let her know I couldn't go in that day, that I would be going to the hospital as soon as I could. she got really mad and told me that they didn't handle things that way there, and that we would need more organization.

my boyfriend took me to the er that day and we spent the whole day there, me crying from pain and exhaustion and barely moving without help. they gave me very strong medication that did nothing, so they had to put me into the emergency room and give me morphine, which only made me stop crying and feeling everything in my body except for my shoulder. also, in this whole hour I was with morphine and being mistreated by nurses (which had to put the morphine twice as the first time they did it so wrong my arm started to swell and hurt really bad) my partner couldn't even be there bc of the protocol, so I was alone and scared in a white room I found so recognizable with no battery on my phone to talk to my loved ones.

after being in the hospital for almost eight hours, I found out I have a fractured rib and a very badly hurt shoulder. I was prescribed the strongest medication they could give me and an orthopedic thing to cure my rib. I haven't been sleeping well because every position is either hurting me or extremely uncomfortable and not eating well because of the nausea from the two medications I'm taking. I talked to my mom (that tried to be helpful and payed for food and medication but in the process told me that I was exaggerating and other really, really hurtful things a parent should never say to their child even if they think they're joking) and she says that if I'm feeling down or having tics (that only come when I'm truly exhausted and not home) it's just because I suspended my medication. this got me thinking and after a rough night were I slept like five hours and had to wake up from the pain, I woke up so sad. so so sad. I get it after writing all of this that is comprehensible to feel this way, also because I'm probably getting fired and the economy in my country is in such a state that we would need serious help from my father and mother-in-law if I don't have the job. but it also makes me angry, because my boyfriend has been so wonderful with all of this. he has been caring for me and doing everything for me, even helping me to take my pants down to go to the toilet and showering me. also, he made things so easy and I was even laughing and feeling kinda good emotionally when I was with him. he never once made me feel bad about all the help I was getting (and needing so much help for everything is very hard for me, especially bc I was forced to do everything alone since I can remember, the only help I got later being thrown in my face and giving me so much guilt).

the question is, I don't really know if I'm feeling like this bc of my medication. I know I didn't quit taking them suddenly, my psychiatrist told me we could take the dosage down and I went really slowly with it. also as I said, plenty of doctors told me I didn't really need them and that my doctor was just giving them to me to get paid, not really caring about how I was really feeling. I was doing pretty well considering how things are going, and considering I was told all my life I could never live on my own or do basically anything on my own. I've acomplished so much in the last years that everyone that cares is so proud, and I am too.

it's just that after the comment my mother made, I'm kinda starting to feel she might be right. I've been honselty feeling very good in the last time without taking my pills, it's just the situation is so difficult. I don't ever want to take those pills again, they make my brain shut off all day and I can't enjoy anything. they weren't even making me feel good emotionally as they should, they just cancel every emotion.

also, my mother has a history of believing the really bad doctors over me just because they did and said what she wanted, and the only psychologists that were truly helping me and making me feel heard and making me see a lot of things were suddenly terrible and bad for me, so she forced me to change therapists again (one of the therapists I had that she never really let me stop seeing was on her phone during sessions, told me all the time I was exaggerating, and even told me when I was abused by my ex partner that boys are all like that and that I shouldn't leave him just for that. she was part of the reason I stayed with him for so long).

I don't really know what to do. I don't wanna go back to that job but the economy is just so complicated. should I let some time pass and see if I get better (emotionally and physically)? I'm so lost and so sad.

if you read all of this, thank you so much. my current psychologist isn't responding to my texts, she only tells me she'll see if she can give me a time for a session but never does. it might have to do with the fact that I couldn't pay for the last two (and very expensive) sessions because I have no money and no help from the mother who told me would pay for all of this. the therapist know all of this. so, I haven't had any psychological help either. please, if you could give me any constructive advice I would be so thankful. and also, if you're gonna comment, please be considerate, I'm in such a bad place right now I couldn't handle any more bad words.

again, thank u if u read all of this. take care of yourself, drink water and eat something and if u can, move a little. hope u are feeling well <3

[microwaving-my-ocs]

Character Profiles (2023 Feb 7)

Sam(antha)

Sammie's older sister by a couple of years

used to be annoyed by his clinginess, but upon their entrance to the hostile ducal household, became more consciously protective and open with her affection

was meant to become a spy at an all-female organisation, but switched places with her sickly younger brother and entered the army to give him a better chance at survival

was given a strong magic charm by the old granny so she wouldn't be violated, but it made her kind of unpopular and she'd get beaten up instead

prodigy at the sword

a terror on the battlefield and made a name for herself at a relatively young age

died in battle (assassinated)

ribcage deformities from improper chest binding

no one ever truly knows how she really felt about her life and how she felt marching to her death.

Sam(uel)

nickname: Sammie (Sam took the cooler and more mature nickbame first and refused to give it up)

partial to feminine attire and hobbies since young (think Shu). would play dolls with Sam

charismatic and great at making ppl feel comfy with him.

switched from being a crossdressing spy to a businessman in his own name (no surname) bc it was just very tedious to keep crossdressing. his business is secondary, though. mostly he endears himself to others by doing good deeds / getting win-wins (and reporting the intel he got from their interactions)

always looked up to and idolised Sam, so he irrationally believed that she must be fine in the army as she claimed

when he grew older and could no longer deceive himself, he vowed to quickly get her out

wants to give Sam whatever happiness and positive feelings that she had sacrificed so much for to give to him

his sister's death seriously destabilised him. did not necessarily believe the best in people, but had always wanted a win-win situation. stopped having the energy and will to keep doing so

he came out of Sam's death slightly wrong. a little too focused on becoming her, very focused on keeping her memory alive. very cognizant of the loss and the danger that he is in. jumpy, wary and on the defensive, unlike his confident past self.

Granny

luckily for him, most of his support system is still intact and know his identity. he acts and thinks like his old self around them, but he often is in his Sam persona trying to get things done. he feels more and more alienated from his old self.

beginnings of a crush on Bestie before they went their separate ways and he went to the army. then shit hit the fan and he hasn't quite had the headspace for his feelings since

leader of one of the houses in the spy network

was a lot more heartless as a young adult, but now she just wants to chill and raise these children well

knows she might get punished for helping the sams switch, but she's gonna die soon anw of old age so she doesn't care

saw herself in samantha. failed to save someone when she was younger and it haunted her ever since. (idk what abt sammie tho.... sammie will hv to live w that regret now. in fact its a miracle samantha lasted that long)

she tries to check in on samantha, which is how and why a stronger intelligence link between her hse and the army was formed. the sams send letters thru it sometimes.

Bestie

endgame

met Sammie after he has already acclimatised to crossdressing

her moral compass mostly works like this: this will make sammie happy -> do it. this will trouble sammie -> don't do it.

initially fell for him before she learned that he was, in fact, crossdressing.

has not confessed yet. having her love requited was never a big deal for her bc they had a v secure r/s

very secure in her friendship with Sammie. She won't ever sacrifice herself unless it's necessary to prevent an even greater sadness to Sammie. she won't let MC sacrifice herself either.

left the orphanage to receive training at the magic tower. when she reunited w Sammie, it was to deliver news of his little sister. personally witnessed the drastic change from normal sammie to overwhelmed sammie. she never wants to see that happen again.

she's a little yandere because sammie is so good at making you feel seen, but they've both been actively working on establishing & keeping to boundaries. it's just that prioritising sammie's happiness still tends to be what brings her the most happiness

will eliminate anyone and anything that makes him sad. this means she will not go after MC even though she sometimes feel jealous, bc Sammie wants MC by his side. does not begrudge this bc she wholeheartedly wants Sammie to be as happy as possible

later became friends with MC personally

from the magic tower. discovers the brainwashing.

MC

marriage of convenience w Sammie.

a little fucked up by how her family treated her. internalised the idea that she should sacrifice her happiness for others' sakes in order to be acknowledged/be moral.

she very badly wanted to be the pinnacle of morality bc she wanted to be a gd spouse for the ex.

mistakenly believes that she should sacrifice herself so that Bestie and Sammie can get together. Bestie saves her bc she knows Sammie wouldn't want her to sacrifice herself. Bestie has seen how much Sammie hated that his sister chose to sacrifice herself without considering his feelings. Bestie knows better.

"why are you saving me? our marriage has alr more or less done its job giving him legitimacy. if i'm gone, you can marry him no qns asked." bestie pausing to give her an incredulous look. gg i mean yeah theres the whole marriage of convenience thing, but more than that, he alr sees you as one of his ppl. he'll be crushed if you die for him. / and besides, she doesnt need him to dote on her like a lover to continue wanting the best for him. it may be necc for others, but its always been this way for her. this is how she honours her feelings for him, and has been for years.

eventually gets back tgt w her ex after he was freed from brainwashing

Ex

family's superpower is the instictually know right from wrong. naturally, this lands them into a hereditary clerical role (leaders of the national religion)

born with the strongest of this superpower in many generations

so when he announced that his powers told him he was meant to wed MC, no one argued and they were engaged p young. they spent a lot of time tgt and fell in love and built a very strong and trusting r/s

no longer trusts his own judgement OR power after waking up from the brainwashing. yknow the feeling when ur entire worldview gets destabilised? yeah

(Half-)Sister

main antagonist

mom had an affair w a siren and that's where she got her brainwashing powers

was born with a frail body. family was so focused on her health that they accidentally neglected MC. neither of them knew any better and thought it was the natural way of things.

passively used the brainwashing ability without knowing from the moment it manifested when she was a toddler. which means that everyone who spent a lot of time w her was infatuated with her and listened to her every whim. this fucks her up bc she has no concept of boundaries now. sees it as her right to take and take and for others to bend over backwards to fulfil her requests, even at their own detriment. grows up w the mentality of a toddler bc no one has ever scolded her

idk possibly the biological dad comes in and decides to use her to gain political power. he has natural immunity to the charm. possibly the first person to ever school her. maybe she gets development here.

terrible maturity levels bc she has very very rarely ever been told no. the few ppl who have were also immediately punished, so surely it was THEY who were wrong, right?