#and theyve never dated or had even a physical relationship with a girl and/or person with a vagina

[waluigisgaybf]

not my S/O walking up while Im trying to draw more nsfw shit on a page already full of nsfw and other suggestive bg3 sketches and in a sarcastic tone going “Wow I wonder if you’re horny, like- your arts really saying some shit right now- almost like it’s influenced by you and your brain- look at all that.”

I DIDNT EVEN HAVE A REPONSE MY ASS JUST NARROWED MY EYES AT THEM AND WENT “Perhaps.”

[jjfics]

can u write about the reader making five laugh and pointing that out, it's also the first time theyve done that so it's really special to them :3 thank you !!!

Ask Me Why

ship: Five Hargreeves x The Reader

summary: Five decides that he doesn’t want to be alone anymore and he finds the perfect new companion: The Reader drinks coffee, is interested in Greek and psyhics, and can make him laugh

author: Jane Jack aka your girl JJfics 

word count: 1240

warnings: none, it’s all fluff (if there is anything i missed please let me know)

a/n: i really hope this turned out the way you wanted it to. i’m not all that good at writing relationships when they are still in the beginning but i tried. enjoy this fluffy scenario!! -jj

After surviving not just one, but two apocalypses, Five needed to find out a way to live the rest of his life. A peaceful one, with no abusive fathers, no killing, no trying to save the world.

The days were slow and always the same. Grace cooked breakfast, Five would say goodbye and then leave the house for a couple of hours, never really doing much. How do you live when you don’t know what you’re living for? 

Before he used to live to go on missions. He used to live to assassinate for the commission so he could go back to his family. Five used to live to keep them safe, but now that they are, what will he do? He has a second chance at life as his young self, and he isn’t sure how to take it. 

Five turns the page of his book slowly as he looks up to his sister, who is cleaning her violin carefully. 

“I don’t think I follow, Vanya. What are you suggesting again?” he asks.

Her stupid grin grows even bigger but she doesn’t look at him when she opens her mouth to go further, “Look, I was just saying that maybe you need a… a distraction. It’s like you don’t even know how to relax.” 

“I am very relaxed right now. No idea what you’re talking about.”

“You’ve read that book at least 5 times already.” she scoffs. 

“Correction: I’ve read all books 5 times already,” he says with a small, sarcastic smile.

“Stop proving my point, oh my God.” Vanya gets up from the bed and leaves the room. 

“Where are you going?” Five yells after her.

“To get water” her voice fades away.

Five was left alone in his sister’s bedroom. What if she was right? He needed to find his purpose again. He just needed a way to start.

The sound of Vanya’s glass being put down on the nightstand interrupts his thoughts. “Alright. How do I do it?” he mumbles.

“Do what?”

“How do I… get a distraction?” 

She brings a finger to her chin as she sits back next to him. “Hmm… What’s something you’ve never done?” After she doesn’t get a response but a confused stare, she rolls her eyes, “What’s something all of us have done while you were gone that you haven’t? Something you feel like you missed out on?”

“I can’t just think of something off the top of my head… maybe if you’d tell me more of what you’ve been doing?”

“Oh… well, I started music as a profession, I wrote a book, dated some weird guys, joined a book club once… Got any ideas yet?”

“Dated some weird guys… dated… dating… yeah yeah” he whispered, “I think I know what I need. I need to meet new people.” 

“Well, that’s actually nice Five you kno-” she gets cut off by him special jumping out of her room to wherever. Typical for him. 

The December weather forced everyone to seek warmth. Five watches as a group of people enter the café, passing him and looking for a table. One person, in particular, catches his eye. You catch his eye. 

You take your scarf off and leave it on your chair before you sit down. Someone comes up to you and you turn around to look at the boy. “Hello,” he says.

“Hi…?” 

“Did you come here alone?”

“That’s bold of you to ask, stranger.” you chuckle. 

“Oh yeah, sorry. That did sound weird. What I meant is, would you mind some company?” he rephrased. 

“Not at all,” you say smiling. “Please, take a seat.” He places his cup on the table. “Looks like you already drank yours.” you point out.

“I wouldn’t mind a second one.” he winks. “Did you already order anything?” 

“No, not yet. I was thinking of a cappuccino… but I honestly don’t really know. What did you have?” 

“Black coffee. It’s the only way I can drink it,” he admits.

“Wow, I could never. Isn’t it too bitter?”

“You get used to it, after some time.” he shrugs.

“My mom tried to get me to drink black coffee. Said it would make me look like a real grown-up… grown-up my ass…”

“I don’t think that’s actually true. People’s tastes differ, you know?”

Who was he? Why did he come to you and why does he seem to be interested in you? You didn’t know the answer to all these questions, but if he stayed enough, you might want to get to know him. 

“What’s your name, genius?” you question, raising your eyebrows. 

“Five” he grins.

“Hmm… Eccentric. I like it,” you say, which makes him blush. “I’m y/n.” you bring your hand forward and you shake hands. 

A waiter is heading your way and you look for your wallet.

“Oh, don’t bother,” Five stops you by placing his hand on yours, and this time it’s your turn to blush. “I got it,” he says. And when the waiter is at your table you don’t even have time to protest because Five is already talking.

“Hi. I’d like a second simple black one, and y/n here would like… a cappuccino? Right?” 

“Yeah,” you say quietly and nod, your hands still touching. 

“Would you like to pay now or when you leave?” the waiter waves their pen in the air. 

“Now, please.” Five says and gives him the money. 

“You really did not have to,” you say.

“It’s my pleasure” he winks again. This boy… 

“Where are you from?”

“The city. Why?” he asks, fixing his blazer.

“I haven’t seen you in here before. I was just wondering, I guess.”

“You from around here?” he asks.

“No, but I’m a freshman. I got here on a scholarship.” 

“What are you studying?” 

“Greek. My parents didn’t really agree, they were pretty disappointed when I didn’t choose physics.” you laughed.

“Were you good at physics?” 

“Yeah, in high school. But I didn’t really enjoy it.” 

“Me neither. I was kind of forced into doing physics every day too.” Five confesses. 

“So you understand.” you look up at him.

“Better than you’d think.”

The waiter comes back with two cups. 

“Are you a student too?” you ask, bringing the coffee to your lips to take a sip.

“No, I used to be.” Five says stirring his slowly.

“So you’re a dropout, I see. Is physics really that hard?” you smack his arm playfully.

You considering him a dropout seems so funny to him. Is that what he did? When he left because Reginald wouldn’t let him time travel? Did he drop out of the academy? The thought was just so hilarious to him, he couldn't suppress his laughter at all. 

When he calmed down you lean forward over the table and he mirrors your actions. Your hand reaches for his hair and you brush it back the way it was before he messed it all up laughing. Five’s heart begins to beat faster. He never had anyone be so affectionate with him. 

“You look cute when you laugh,” you say smiling softly at him. “You should do it more often.”

“Maybe if we’ll talk more. Not many people can make me laugh.”

“I would definitely love to talk more.” 

Five looks down at his watch and then back at you. “How much time do you have?” 

“Why, what do you have in mind?” you giggle.

[astrogobo]

so anyways the point of the tag-rant is

[i dont know how to put a read more on mobile but i guess this is your read more?? this is just a rant feel free to scroll]

-dont assume "older sibling problems" only apply to the older sibling, cause hello walking exception here, ive related to basically every 'older sibling problem' post ive ever seen and im the youngest in the family

-thats partly because my relationship with my family sucks (not in an objectively Bad Person way, in a neglectful/self-inflicted by pushing them away for kinda valid reasons.. way?) (like just random example obviously we are all unable to leave the house rn & have been like this fr two months and i see family members for around 10 minutes (15 max) per day

again thats self-inflicted by me staying in my room all day, mostly because im trying to limit my interaction with them as much as possible because i am a panromantic asexual nonbinary agnostic person who really identifies with deism, and they are devout muslims who are active and in positions of power in nationwide muslim organizations and their siblings are casually homophobic pretty much all the time. but just because its self inflicted doesnt mean its fine to be happening cause in an ideal world the circumstances for the self-inflicted separation wouldnt exist.

but at the same time it isnt just the homophobia and 'we know you better than you know yourself cause youre too young to understand yourself' comments. its the way that i have always been compared to my older sister, who seems to be the perfect child: mature, never really went through a rebellious teen phase, a devout muslim just like the parents, a good cis straight girl with straight a's and the motivation and drive to do things with her life, who worked through depression without a therapist or meds, who manages to get shit done with her adhd trying to stop her at every turn. compared with me, an as-established Not-cis Not-straight disaster who can barely drag themself out of bed in the morning, who has given up on the classes they arent interested in, who is stubborn and prideful to a ridiculous extent, who is perfectly neurotypical yet is unable to do Anything with their life, who watches youtube all day while wallowing in self-pity because they cant even muster the energy to do the things they love, who has furious dedication to an activity their parents hate, whose closest friends are all not good enough because theyre gay so theyre a bad influence on them, who just wants to experience being a teen and experiment with themself without consequences and live a normal life but they cant because their sister was so mature by this time and never wanted to go to dances or date or go to concerts or swear and why cant they just be a good kid like their sister? their sister was a good muslim girl by now, why cant they? their sister calls their (homophobic) aunt nearly every day and tells her everything, why cant they? their sister cares about her family and doesnt act stupid with her friends because she doesnt have any her own age because they arent mature enough for her and contributes to society and spends time with her parents and doesnt avoid her father like the plague because shes terrified of what would happen if her father truly knew her. so why cant they?

my sister has never been a 'normal' kid. besides just the adhd wired into her brain - growing up my mother often said that when my sister was four years old, she was a teenager, and when she was 10 she was an adult, in terms of emotional maturity. she was never influenced by people her own age. to my knowledge she's only ever been properly close with one person her own age, and at they only talked for about a year. at this point, its been a long time since shes had a truly close friend. but somehow, shes the one they see as 'normal'. and im stuck being compared to a standard i am physically and mentally unable to reach, even if i wanted to.

to be fair, im not really 'normal' either, but im a hell of a lot closer to it than she is. the only time theyve thought f me as the 'normal' one is when i was a baby, because i barely cried. i just looked around with wide eyes and an open mouth, taking in the world. this was in contrast to my sister who spent every waking moment crying. then they talked to some other parents and realized that i was not the normal one.

i dont know where im going with this, i guess i just wanted to rant?

[s-nnyd]

hey. all of the qs from the ask meme that apply to you. have fun

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

oh boy well with my dad most certainly not theres a lot situations where its been made obvious that im not the son he wanted but he’ll still use me as an example to show to my lil bro and also like theres a lot of cockiness too and with my mom i love her and i know she loves and supports me but a lot of that is because im her daughter  and id say id have a decent relationship with my mom and i do love her

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to?

lmao it was you

03: Do you regret anything?

oooooooooooooooooo boi man i been thinking and like ive thought about if ive regretted ever being friends with angie and id like to say that i dont cause shes done a lot and shes given a lot to me whether it be good or bad and ive grown a lot from it and i think that if i completely erased that then i wouldnt be able to work through the things i have and like in other aspects i regret not saying “i think youre cute” to movie girl and knott’s info boy like my goodness they were both so damn cute and i really shoulda said something

04: Are you insecure?

hell yeah i am

05: What is your relationship status?

single right now and i do want to eventually date someone and have that sort of closeness and that sort of relationship where i can feel at peace and rely on someone but i honest to goodness don’t think there’s anyone for me just yet and i don’t think im in a place really to be dating anyone cause i need to resolve things before i try to start something new

06: How do you want to die?

oh man duuude okay so when we read granny weatherall i legit like had a breakdown and i started panicking cause i started thinking about death all of a sudden and like there are situations where ive considered suicide and all but like there are also the times where it feels like its looming over me so much and like i get so so scared like im scared to walk down the pier at the beach at night because it so dark and the point where you look out onto the horizon and the horizon no longer exists and and its just a void and its so dark and like i think thats how i wanna die just im walking out on the pier at midnight and just im swallowed up because i think in the last moments i think i should just confront it

07: What did you last eat?

i had these hawaiian shortbread cookies that are so dang good like mmmmmmmmmmmm

08: Played any sports?

man i used to do tennis and swimming and i would love to go back to it

09: Do you bite your nails?

nah

10: When was your last physical fight?

like one where someone was genuinely hurt? like an hour ago and it was with the ground cause i got flung off my skateboard but for real i think my last physical fight was like kinder

11: Do you like someone?

skdjashjdkashd i doooo and i should noottttt and theres a lot of things i already know that its kinda like the crush is coming from the fact that there was a lot of support and general niceness and a whooollle lot of other reasons why i should not and im looking forward to the day when this goes away

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

my goodness i have and i died

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?

hmm i do but i forgot who it was

14: Do you miss someone?

yeah i kinda miss my old self but for real i really miss my cousin lynnette like i havent seen her for like two years and i really needa hang out with her eventually

15: Have any pets?

dang i wish

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

at the moment? p distressed and very in my own head like i really need a break from a lot of other things but i also need a break from myself oh! ill show you my art project that were doing later when i finish it cause like we ended up havign to do an extreme emotion self portrait of how we feel at this point in time and like its hilarious cause ppl pass by it and theyre like “dude are you okay like just looking at that makes me feel bad”

17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

dkjasdh i have not but i lowkey wanna just cause

18: Are you scared of spiders?

uH YEAh

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

i would i would and if it was to relive a memory definitely if it was to redo something over differently most definitely if it was to reexperience something wihtout changing something then uh no

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?

hhhhhhh oh my goodness lowkey embarrassed to say it cause weve talked about places to snog a while ago and like the last time i did was like in the bushes in the sculpture garden

21: What are your plans for this weekend?

maybe working on the death of a salesman project maybe just getting some rest im really not sure im literally living day to day at this point

22: Do you want to have kids? How many?

pfft man i do not wanna have any kids like at all

23: Do you have piercings? How many?

i got two but theyve closed up already since i dont use em

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?

art, a bit of dabbling in math, and then also psych like i lvoed the fuck outta that class

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

oh yeah definitely and i think about her a lot i definitely miss meleana and sometimes ill go out and theres a souvenir shop and ill look at the best friend necklaces cause she always got one for us and like i have a box just full of all the halved best friend necklaces and i wonder a lot what would have happened had we still kept contact she was a big gateway to a lot of things in my life 

26: What are you craving right now?

mmm some damn relief but for real tho i want someone to run their hands through my hair and pet it and all like any of the daydreams i have are usually centered around my new haircut

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

i? dont? think? so? theres like only one of two people i know of who like ever liked me and that was jolin (the other one is this sophomore from my art class last year)

28: Have you ever been cheated on?

lol no

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

wish i could even get a date

30: What’s irritating you right now?

well i brought up the other ones in our chat and those are the main ones currently so

31: Does somebody love you?

yeah and i think in a lot of situations whether theyre friends or fam im being put on the weird pedestal

32: What is your favourite color?

OH OH OH ITS CERULEAN BLUE LIKE I KNOW ITS REAL SPECIFIC BUT LIKE THAT THAT BLUE IS SO GOOD LIKE EVERY TIME I SEE IT IN PUBLIC MY CHEST SWELLS UP AND MY LUNGS FEEL SO COLD AND THE AIR FEELS REALLY NICE AND LIKE MAN I LOVE THAT BLUE

33: Do you have trust issues?

lol yeah and in the process ive lied a lot and ive gotten so good at lying that sometimes i forget i am lying and the lines between whats truth or not get all blurry (i legit did not mean for that to come off as tumblr-esque as it did)

34: Who/what was your last dream about?

it was me just kinda floating in random space and then i was in a white room with no walls no doors no windows and i just walked around in this open blank space

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?

hhhh mrs quiggle

36: Do you give out second chances too easily?

sometimes i think i do

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?

forgive

38: Is this year the best year of your life?

haH hAH HAH haaa.......no

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

uh i believe 13 oh wait no scratch that i was like 8

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

i needed to get the laundry so...

51: Favourite food?

prolly ramen oh or loco moco cause its so good

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

mmm i think id say i do

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

i was working on my entry for the lawyer firm art contest

54: Is cheating ever okay?

hell no

55: Are you mean?

i think so cruel even just cause i know so much and i think people who know and understand and think so much are in general dangerous cause they calculate their actions and sometimes that scares me cause i cant tell if im doing it on purpose or not but just in general yeah im mean like too many shits are just not given

56: How many people have you fist fought?

like? uh? i think maybe two and both times were when i was like 8 or 9

57: Do you believe in true love?

mmm i do i do and i think a lot of that true love stems from a relationship based on communication, honesty, trust, and a really good friendship as a foundation

58: Favourite weather?

oooOOOOOO okay so do you remember that one time it was raining hard as fuck like sophomore year like i know its real vague but it was legit pouring and like it was actually so bad that everyone adn i mean everyone went into the library to get some form of shelter and there were people who were soaked to the bone and peoples umbrellas were getting broken cause it was so cold rainy and windy like that that kinda weather is my fave

59: Do you like the snow?

uh i think i do?

60: Do you wanna get married?

hell yeah

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

mmmm i get a lil weird on that but i think some of my favorite ones are like being called “love” like “whats going on love” or “you look good today love” like mmm i eat that shit up

62: What makes you happy?

man legend of zelda is makign me so damn happy rn like it legit means so damn much to me adn like theres so much i lvoe about it and i just lvoe talking about it and anything about it in general and like also skateboarding has been making me real happy lately like ive never loved getting hurt more and like that sounds really bad and like my left knee’s nerves are totally shot cause i fell straight on it and messed it up cause i was skating but like theres just soemthing about feeling more within my own body because im gettin some form of physical activity adn im getting hurt adn its like its a reality in its own way and like i really love it and i super love when i get to cruise like it feels so damn esp with my hair now and also what makes me happy is the ppl i find cute every now and then like its genuinely such a nice experience and oh oh i just wanted to talk about it jsut cause but like whenever i get a crush i get real excited and real happy cause like i love getting them gifts and seeing the surprise and the happiness on their faces cause its like oh you thought of me and oh its somehting i really love and like it makes them happy for that glimpse of a moment and like i love talking to them and like when they tell me about things they like or their passionate about its so nice to hear cause its like yes yes yes i support you and i love you i love seeing you happy and like just seeing your brightens my day and like even if i do confess and i do get rejected ive been mroe than lucky cause its like the people i have confessed to have been so gentle with the rejection and so kind with it and its like oh no!! like yes im sad that we couldnt be more but like thank you!!! thank you so much for letting me love you adn letting me give you so much thank you for brightening my days up and lettign me see your smiles and hear your laughs like thank you so much im so glad i could crush on you and like thats another thing that makes me happy and like theres probably a lot more that i could talk about but i think ill leave at that for now

63: Would you change your name?

i been actually thinking about it for a while adn in the times that i have considered it i usually use a game with the customizable name to try it out and like at some point i used Elle and then i tried Lynn and like i dunno im really not too sure and maybe if other names come in the future ill test those out cause truly it doesnt feel like my name is my own

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

mm yeah id think so cause theres stuff we were supposed to talk about that we didnt and uhh yeah

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

say “thanks im really flattered but i really dont think im in a place right now where i should get into a relationship”

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

lmao no

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

uhh the guy at the receptionist desk when i went in to submit my entry for the art contest

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

lol if what we talked about wasnt deep and it wasnt you then itd be mrs quiggle

69: Do you believe in soulmates?

fuck yeah

70: Is there anyone you would die for?

i dont think so like i wouldnt even die for myself

[sorreltail]

ill delete this soon

bad cop hogwarts au

@pouncival

points to cover: houses, prefect stuff, meetings, classes, Naughty Stuff, other cats, pets, life after hogwarts, quidditch >:((, HYDRATION, teachers, uhhhhh and anything else i can think of

HOUSES: rumples a gryffindor. the sorting hat took about three seconds. alonzos a hufflepuff even tho his family have always been ravenclaws and he desperately wanted to be a gryffindor, he cried after the sorting ceremony also: jenny is huffpuff head, skimble is p much hagrid, jelly is raven, gus is gryffdor and grizabella is slytherin,,, headmaster deuteronomy lmao

PREFECT STUFF: alonzos a prefect. Obviously, i mean come on. he takes it so seriously,,, hes already dating rumple when he becomes one and she delights in the fact that he can sometimes b persuaded to let her go with a warning bc yo thats what u get for fucking a prefect,,, once she wanted to get in ravenclaw tower and she didnt know the answer to the riddle so she was like "LONZYYY I HAVE A RIDDLE THAT I NEED TO FIND THE ANSWER TO FOR HOMEWORRKKKKK" and hes a library fiend so he spent like an hour looking it up and then he told her and she was like "ok thanks im going off 2 ravenclaw tower now" and he was so distraught he took ten points from hufflepuff for helping her. the other prefects Donut Understand their relationship ghdkhgd bc mungo and rumple r worse than fred and george but eventually it gets to the point where they catch her doin some rulebreaking and shes like... do u seriously feel like dealing with me so they just go get alonzo. she gets drunk on firewhisky one time and he takes her back up to gryffindor tower and spends ten minutes trying to get the fat lady to let her in but the fat lady is annoyed and refusing and it goes like "rumple tell her the password" "nooOooOoOooOo" "do you know the password" ">:3c" "rumple teLL HER THE PASSWORD" for another half hour and eventually gives up and decides to wait for the next gryffindors to come along and let her in but the next one to come along is mungo and then its twice as bad when alonzo becomes head boy (munk is the year above them) he cries, and rumple opens her letter like I GOT HEAD GIRL??!!!!????? and hes like. What. and shes like hehehehehe just kidding who the fuck do u think i am,, also. prefects bathroom. he ends up letting her find out the password and then shes constantly in there and then Somehow (i wonder how) mungo finds out and then they have to change it before the whole school knows,,, oh my god the other prefects tease him so much and at first hes like eh..heh...yeah but after a while hes like fuck off please, stop shittalking my girlfriend to me, and he gets a wee bit defensive about it so they give up especially in their final year when hes head boyyyy

QUIDDITCH: OKAY so alonzo wanted to play quidditch as a seeker bc ofc he did right?? i mean theres so many rules. such nice uniforms. but he never made the tryouts bc he wasnt willing to take the risks needed to get the golden thingy (also, vitiligo, hes got autoimmune shit and he has 2 b careful w his health),,, rumple however. rumples grown up loving the harpies and desperately wanting to be a beater. then she meets mungo and the two of them are fucking terrifying beaters, they are So Good, its honestly the only reason why gryffindor hasnt lost the house cup every fucking year, them helping win p much every game kind of balances out all the points they lose for being shits lmao,,, we had a thought that she gets hurt sometime in a game, and alonzo is. so terribly smothering he brings in all his books to study by her bed in the hospital wing and takes notes for her and is way too cautious after that and begs her to stop playing and she just. Looks at him. :| anyway she does eventually become quidditch captain nyehehe and so shes captain, hes head boy, they are a glorious power couple,,, the nerds love alonzo, the delinquents and sportheads love rumple, together they are So Respected,, it also means she gets actual access to the prefects bathroom which changes very little except for how sneaky she has to be to get in

MEETINGS: okay so in true hogwarts au fashion they first meet on the train as first years,,, rumple: hi can i sit here (she says as shes sat down) are u muggleborn im a halfblood alonzo: im from an old wzarding family my name is draco malfuck you rumple: wow u sound like an asshole. what house r u gonna be in. im gryffindor alonzo: me too rumple: u dont seem like one alonzo: you do :// rude fuck. this is my owl her name is aegolius im pretentious rumple: cool name. this is my cat her name is gwynog GO HARPIES alonzo: ive never had physical contact with a living thing in my life can i pet her rumple: sure alonzo: soft anyway after they get sorted they never talk again. End Of Au. jks but forreal they dont talk for years until they get their electives and theyre partnered in care of magical creatures and finally talk again and it goes like rumple: hey youre that kid who cried at the sorting ceremony alonzo: rumple: sup somehow the whole Falling In Love part is the one bit we havent really talked about but it happens and its cute

id also like to add that alonzos parents are an old italian wizarding family but they pride themselves on being chic, modern wizards who incorporate certain muggle things, mostly fashion, his mums a fashion designer, so all his clothes are beautiful and tailored and more Modern than most,, ANYWAY they also Want The Best for him and when he tells them who hes dating (A HALFBLOOD RAISED AMONG MUGGLES??? A GIRL BEATER???? LOOK AT HER SCHOOL RECORDS DARLING SHES A DELINQUENT!!!!!!) and they refuse to let him stay at her house or let her come over,,, until he writes home one day like. shes captain of the quidditch team what more do u want shes going to do it professionally) and theyre Sporty Folks who are So Fucking Into Quidditch and by this point theyve realised that she's not turning him into a Bad Kid so they finally accept her

CLASSES: ive forgotten like all of their classes kmn anyway alonzo wants to be an auror. thats all he wants. thats his ambition. so he studies his ass off from day one and gets perfect grades and is a model student. rumple is. perhaps not. just think fred and george thats her and mungo, shes a terror but somehow she still manages to pass everything through an annoying natural talent. alonzos kind of hellbent on making her get good grades and they spend much of their time in the library, hes in there Every Day, he pretty much has a reserved table, rumple sits around practicing jinxes on any unfortunate passerbys and trying to pester him and/or make him kiss her he loves presentations, hes so good at them, he prepares for weeks and then the entire time rumples in the back of class making Naughty Gestures. he chokes on his water when she does presentations theyre short but shes really charismatic so he just kind of sits there staring at her like an idiot because gosh she has a nice voice rumples a pro at brooms obviously, alonzos Hella Nervous on them, he has the best and safest model, she offers to give him private lessons but really its just an opportunity for dick jokes what can u do. he gets her a really good really SAFE and fast broom for christmas one year bc what else does a rich boy get his girlfriend who kicks ass at quidditch which brings me to

NAUGHTY STUFF: kittens look away! look for like. a full three months hes like Im Not Having Sex At School Its Against the rRULES!!!!!! and rumples like. well then we either abstain until we graduate or we can do it at your parents place and. No. The Horror. he changes his mind very quickly. they happen to stumble across the room of requirement a few times when.uh. the need is great. u know how it goes. im also gonna go out on a limb and admit that alonzo is rather fond of the Luxury Baths in the prefects bathroom and rumple is very good at catching him when hes in there and enchanting the door or some shit so nobody disturbs them :-)) this is from one of those hogwarts au headcanon posts but i love it, he gives a presentation on sex ed and shit (lets pretend hogwarts is better than it is) and rumple sits in the back asking the worst questions and inside he wants to scream u KNOW what that is we did it last nIGHT

other cats: yes ok here we go. in their year is misto, victoria, admetus, mungo, coricopat, tantomile and im sure im missing people here, year above them  is munk, tugger, deme, bomba, cassandra, macavity (???!!!???) and everyone else is younger by a year or two, also worth mentioning is etcetera being rumples younger sister and theyre adorable and lovely etcetera for president of the world munk and cass or deme are probably head boy and girl of their year,  cass is dating tantomile, bombas dating demeter, alonzo has the biggest crush on munk as well (optional polyamory for u fucks) (worth saying that the reason rumple went to sneak into ravenclaw tower was to see victoria btw),,, alonzo and victoria are head boy and girl of their year, and probably jemima andddddddd idk maybe g eorge fuck me man idk admetus is another prefect, so's tantomile tbh,,, id say victoria but she wants to focus on her studies

PETS: alonzo has this beautiful eagle owl, scariest of all owls, her name is aegoleius (pronounced ay-JEE-lee-us) it means bird of prey and he adores her. shes beautifully trained. rumple has a kitty that im personally in love with who is basically rumpleteazer as a cat lol shes a calico but her name is gwenog after the famous beater of the harpies <33333 eventually they'll get another cat thatll be a suspiciously familiar black and white patched triangle shorthair named Faolan (sorta like FWAY-larn) even tho it means little wolf because he thought it sounded cool and he read it in a book and thought it was pronouned faow-lahn, honestly they probably end up getting a whole ton of cats

LIFE AFTER HOGWARTS: WOO im excited for this bit. okay. so. alonzo wants to be an auror. hes spent his whole life training for this. he immediately applies after graduation and gets in and starts his rigorous three year training process. in the meantime rumples gone into professional quidditch, and shes really really good at it but shes like.... this isnt fun anymore. bc its not just a school game anymore, its a professional sport, and what do u mean u cant jinx the opponents!!!! so for a while she just helps him train "ok so if you walk like THIS and use this charm your footsteps will be totally silent blah blah boh my god i should be an auror" and hes like. You. want to be an auror. and shes like. Yup. and its a damn good thing he was so obsessive about her getting good marks bc her newts are good enough that she can apply. they do a criminal record check, but mind u that altho rumples done naughty stuff, shes never actually. Been Caught doing anything particularly bad. so her record is somehoW CLEAN and she gets in. its a miracle. "what did you do. who did you blackmail" "i sucked every single aurors dick lonzy" "HOW DID YOU GET IN" "EVERY! SINGLE! DICK!" but hes also really really prouD AND THAT MEANS THEY CAN HELP EACH OTHER TRAIN!!!!! cue training montage. rumple pulls a tonks and coasts thru a lot of it rlly easily and almost fails some but they both eventually graduate and become aurors and work together and she covers her trenchcoat in patches and he keeps asking if he has to wear his because sweet jesus it is ugly ITS BROWN, and at this point his parents r more than content with rumple lmao, anyway they live together in a lovely little house that is kept in perfect order, rumple enchants EVERYTHING to talk, its cute, fucking domestic shit yes please

HYDRATION LOL look this isnt even important but alonzo is so deeply into that health shit. he only eats dark chocolate, and most importantly he fucking loves spending time in the kitchen with jenny. she cooks, he makes custom face masks, and also infused water. so much infused water. he has different """recipes""" and he always has a bottle of lovely chilled water with fucking apple and ginger and lemongrass shit in it that he made the night before, and since rumple fucking hates drinking anything thats not tropical sunshine punch fruit juice he constantly is trying to figure out a recipe of infused water that she'll drink becUSE ITS NOT HEALTHY RUMPLE!!!!!!!! YOU NEED WATER, but she thinks its disgusting and eventually he gives up and carries a bottle of juice with him in case he sees her because its better than nothing,

yeah ok im,,,,, i assume there will be more to come but for now this is what u get

[persional]

im only getting drunker and im outta content so im gonna write a post for sober me to stumble upon one fateful day and the post is gonna be about laurel i really miss them and i dont know where we stand at all im really bad at casual unlabeled things i was bad at polyamory im bad at it ! i realized recently we had 2 first kisses and they called the 2nd one “the real one” im in l*ve maybe not really but i keep thinking i think bc it’s conditioned in me i don’t like the time before you get to say i love you why cant i just tell everyone i love them all the time except like friends that im not that close to who will just say it like thats not ideal. they said and then repeated that they want to see me as soon as they get back and it’s like that reassurance i keep coming back to and i hate being the one to always text back but most of it is im fucking bored theres like 3 people left here who will voluntarily hang out with me. im so glad i dont lie that takes so much of the weight off of my social interactions to just be like yeah im gonna tell the truth rn. the first time we had s*x laurel said promise me one thing just promise me you won’t break me into a billion tiny pieces just promise me you won’t lie to me. and i was like i have some extremely good news for you because i only ever lie to myself. i like them a lot. a Lot. kissing them feels like being on a roller coaster which i know because i went on a roller coaster a few weeks ago and as we started to freefall i thought this is exactly what it feels like to kiss laurel. i feel like their name shouldn’t be capitalized so that way the beginning can be the same as the end like a marble rolling around in your mouth that starts and then ends right on the tip of the tongue even though technically one is a light L and the other is a dark /l/. im drinking my last four loko tonight and hoping to get schwasted and hoping to stop needing to drink in order to go to sleep soon. not my last of all time i should clarify just the last one we have in the fridge. savannah gets back on tuesday late night on tuesday and laurel gets back at some point on wednesday im not sure what time and im afraid to ask i think i’ll ask just a day or two before so there’s kind of... because savannah and i are planning to hang out a lot that day and also to get dinner with savannah’s cousins and although i dont think it would be the end of the world if i left in the middle of dinner it obviously won’t be ideal. im listening to my cancer season playlist and honestly it’s really good. i really don’t want to eat this apple pie i’d rather just have another quesadilla or better yet some fried rice. i guess i could microwave more peanut noodles but i kind of hate those at this point like theyre a little disgusting no ? i started writing this post bc i saw a post about someone’s favorite thing about girls they said it was ‘the way they stroke you’ and i thought about us holding hands and holding each other and their freckles and the coconut oil on their face and how their eyes are brown in the center and green on the edges  and how i don’ t deserve any of it im not sure if we’re anything close to dating but i still strongly contest savannah’s assertion that she thinks it’s just physical theyve said ‘i really like you (too)’ they said ‘i romanticize you’ they came to me house after i made that song, that song got me laid and i think about that all the time and it’s not like we always have sex sometimes we just sleep together in the same bed and i feel so real with them it’s so hard to feel like im not just slipping into the version of myself that somebody wants me to be and i realized after a year with adrianne i realized there are parts of myself that i’m putting on which aren’t parts of me at all there are parts of me! there is a height to the frequency to my voice! there is a demureness because she wants a woman and i can’t be butch and hers at the same time but i don’t feel like that now and im trying really hard to be real and i hope theyre doing the same i hope theyre not... once they came over with another friend after a party and once our friend left and we were kissing on the couch they started crying and i just wanted them to feel safe it’s so rare that someone is crying and you actually get to hold them. they were crying and im thinking about duck butter now because it’s usually me who isn’t real even if im not lying im not being myself and this time it’s not me so it can only be them and i never know how they feel or what they’re thinking and they’ll say something like uh yeah i like you or they’ll kiss me, once i was kissing them goodbye as i left their house and their housemate saw us it was so funny and also the first time anyone else has seen us kiss idk im not sure where we stand i asked about it probably too early when we were high i said what is this what are we doing and they said i don’t know but i like it. so like i really don’t know and i gave them a chance and i don’t know what to do like maybe they really think it is just a physical thing and they feel roped in but there have been times when they said things that absolutely were not required and i was like oh Hm? im just trying to be fucking real but theyre not great at communicating,, fucking air signs am i rite, theyre a gemini and i think about that all the time how ive dated 2 pisces and 2 leos, we don’t know each other which savannah has pointed out and the thing is im sure savannah is like just concerned for me but it comes off as if she’s not supportive of the relationship at all and im worried that shes jealous idk i know there are a lot of people who like laurel bc uhhh theyre hot and incredible and smart and hilarious and. everything god theyre such gf material. im so alone rn no one will even fav mine tweets. im a huge fan of the improv comedy team at our school, they recently changed their name to princess wolfpipe which is objectively a bad name but before it was fellatio rodriguez yeah porn bots get at me, anyway they didnt like that it was like 5 whiteys with the name rodriguez attached to it which is fair like very woke very reed of you sure. hhhhhhhhhh i just remembered they read my anthro essay and like.,, had sex with me After that. god. hell. wow. i must not be that bad at essays after all even the ones i half-ass. chrome is underlining so many of the words in this post little do they know im a linguist and a literature major. anyway i think i could be drunk enough now to admit ive not eaten pussy in like a week and it is in fact wearing on me at this point like im literally that tweet about the person stirring som e mac n cheese and passing out but it’s been honestly a week if that they left on the 3rd right so ya 8 days. ok i feel less bad about that bc i also definitely hadnt **ten them **t like that day i dont think we had rly like giggly sex at their house i think the night before and i drove them to work early in the morning and theyre so nice to me they know to wake me up with kisses which is so important bc im so... im so fucked i like them so much but im also just a fucked up person and i dont deserve thme. i should get alcohol prescribed for me. for sleep. and social anxiety. made a tweet about it, deleted it. made a quesadille! ated it !, imagine if i didnt eat so much especially while drunk. my body wants me to be huge but i want to be dead i want to be nothing. words are so bad whoever invented words im sure theyre dead they shoul be revived and shot again. ok so im eve drunker now and i’d like to say i want to hear them come again honestly i want to literally put my tongue insid eof them and hear them say my name i want to hold the folds of skin around their hips i want to hear them gasp i want to taste them i want everything i want to stroke their hands and kiss their fingers and their forehead i miss them so much i hate being physically far from everyone i love i want to sleep in their bed i want to fall asleep with our arms wrapped around one another unless i have to turn away and they understand adrianne never understood. i want them i really hope they still like me it would be so fucking sad for the chemistry to only go this way likea reaction that only goes inreverse so we’re left in the end with these raw materials like. like oil and water that can never relaly combine? like two molecules that can only lie next to one another but will always spring apart. i love their house i love their housemates i love the way they offered to make a powerpoint about food waste i love their goat milk and asiago cheese and cabbage pancakes fried rice i love the face they make when i run my fingernails over their scalp i love their voice i love their favorite shirt because it’s several sizes too big and all their clothes are black im not as much of who i am as they are and im not sure i ever will be because it’s willpower and money and i need to find other things in my life to want other than people who will always leave because literature tells us desire is always more than we think it will be and we will always be creating these overexaggerated versions of what ife will really be i need to finish proust i need to make somebody come i need to see their mouth open i need to kiss them i need cherries and enchiladas i need the ants and fruit flies to get the hell out of my house i need more alcohol and higher blood pressure and to divorce my family. how long does it take to be disowned. do i owe it to the people around me . i want kiss i want the moment when they came into my house on their fucking??? lunch break to kiss me and say yeah remember when kim kardashian posted a selfie and kanye west said hey im coming home now. and they pushed me up against the wall and their fucking fingers, i got my vibrator out afterwards and ive had to use it a few times since just thinking of us and the dream their housemate had where they came in and said hey stop having such loud sex even though it was really okay god almighty we should have louder sex this post is paragraphs long and it’s probably all my thoughts but im gonna keep going because i think about their fingers and their skin and mouth and voice and freckles theres no way they think about me this much im fucking pathetic i should probably kill msefl no one thinks about anything this much. but then again i guess i don’t it’s just condensed i have other things to do just what do i Enjoy thinking about it’s fucking being gay and tlaking to them listening to their music hearing them talk about having to lie down because of a fiona apple song such a fucking mistake to get involved with me no im the fucking worst im that fucking crazy girlfriend who won’t let go from the moment you lead me on im ucking hooked it’s so pathetic im extremely drunk just as a disclaimer for anyone who finds this. thats probably enought.

[captainbaz]

Ahhh! You're the best:3 I need all of the answers please!

1. Are looks important in a relationship? To me personally, No, but if they are there then i just see it as a bonus2. Are relationships ever worth it? Yes, whether it be a friendship or more no one person can truely do anything on there own.3. Are you a virgin? Nope.4. Are you in a relationship? Also nope.5. Are you in love? Again nope.6. Are you single this year? I am.7. Can you commit to one person? I can, if i get over my own issues.8. Describe your crush "Shes basically a female me."9. Describe your perfect mate Theyve got Grace, Loyalty, Humor, and a cute smile.10. Do you believe in love at first sight? Not so much, but i do believe it could happen.11. Do you ever want to get married? Yes, maybe one day.12. Do you forgive betrayal? Depends, anything can be forgiven over time, just dont forget about it, people may change but you never know what truely lies in there hearts.13. Do you get jealous easily? Yes actually, but im pretty good at hiding it.14. Do you have a crush on anyone? Yes.15. Do you have any piercings? Nope.16. Do you have any tattoos? Not yet.17. Do you like kissing in public? I mean if im gonna kiss my partner ill proudly do it in public too so yes.20. Do you shower every day? Absolutely, i feel gross if i dont.21. Do you think someone has feelings for you? I mean im sure theres a few people who do.22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Yup, im sure someone out there is worried, or just hopes im doing well currently.23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? I could.24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? Most likely not but hey if it does happen then go future me.25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year? If im ready for one personally then yes.26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? Yup.27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you? Yes. It was on a handmade card for me.28. Have you ever been cheated on? Sure, have.29. Have you ever cheated on someone? Yup, looking back on it now i was a pretty fucking dumb teenager. 30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body? Nope, no need to change who i am, imhappy with how i look even if i dont think its good.31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl? Sure did.32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love? I have.33. Have you ever had sex with a man? Yup.34. Have you ever had sex with a woman? Yup.35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you? Yes.36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends? At one point yeah, i really did.37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? Im sure there was a point in which i had friends who didnt like who i was with or hanging out with.38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? Not yet actually.39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? Absolutely.40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone? Nope.41. Have you had sex so far this year? Nope.42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander? Few minutes. Also depends on the situation, sometimes its just nice to embrace.43. How long was your longest relationship? 6 years.44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? Im not super sure, maybe 5-6?45. How many people did you kiss in 2011? None.46. How many times did you have sex last year? Not a once.47. How old are you? 2248. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? Id say i support them, and they should follow there heart. Cliche yeah, but if i truely like them that just means i want to see them happy.49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her? Everything, positives and negatives.50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? Nope.51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for? Yes absolutely, on both boy and girl.52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why? Yes, and why, because of myself.53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? I mean probably, i dont know if they dont share it i wont know.54. Is there someone you will never forget? Yup, plenty of people.55. Share a relationship story. Sorry, but no.56. State 8 facts about your body. I dont even have 8 facts of my own body i think are worth sharing....57. Things you want to say to an ex. Alot of sorrys among other things we wont talk about.58. What are five ways to win your heart? Food, bad movies, bad jokes, being cute, just wanting to chill.59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners? Dating wise it was like 2 years apart.61. What is the first thing you notice in someone? The eyes. 62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? Theres alot, just bite me and im ready.63. What is your definition of “having sex”? Getting physical.64. What is your definition of cheating? Theres alot of answers to this, mostly involving having another partner, unless youre poly.65. What is your favourite foreplay routine? the ones that involve alot of biting and teasing.66. What is your favourite roleplay? Honestly no clue there, havent really found one id call a "favorite".67. What is your idea of the perfect date? Rainy night, bad movies, talk shit about them over take out, and cuddles.68. What is your sexual orientation? Yes.69. What turns you off? No clue but im sure its out there some where.70. What turns you on? Im pretty plain on this one but "just bite me".71. What was your kinkiest wet dream? Havent had one Sorry.72. What words do you like to hear during sex? The moans are enough for me.73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you? Anything is appreciated, if it comes from the heart then thats the sweetest it can get.74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for? Good heart, Good soul.75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you? Literally made me something of there own free will. 76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone? No clue about the sweetest, but if someone knows im sure they will speak up eventually.77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships? Ok this one is iffy. some cases its really weird, or just generally illegal. Within a legal age group or above it though, let them be if they want to think its love.78. What’s your dirtiest secret? Nope.79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why? Last time i felt legit jealousy was over someone saying they had a signed poster from a favorite artist, and i was super jealous cause thats fucking awesome to see that signature.80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them? Today, to my bestfriend.81. Who are five people you find attractive? I dont even have a legit answer to this one.82. Who is the last person you hugged? My nephew.83. Who was your first kiss with? I dont even remember honestly.84. Why did your last relationship fail? Alot of reasons that wont be said here. (the post will go beyond the "Read more" limit")85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet? I have before, i could do it again.