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pengychan · 6 years

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[Coco] Nuestra Iglesia, Pt. 4

Title: Nuestra Iglesia Summary: Fake Priest AU. In the midst of the Mexican Revolution, Santa Cecilia is still a relatively safe place; all a young orphan named Miguel has to worry about is how to get novices Héctor and Imelda to switch their religious vows for wedding vows before it’s too late. He’s not having much success until he finds an unlikely ally in their new parish priest, who just arrived from out of town. Fine, so Padre Ernesto is a really odd priest. He’s probably not even a real priest, and the army-issued pistol he carries is more than slightly worrying. But he agrees that Héctor and Imelda would be wasted on religious life, and Miguel will take all the help he can get. It’s either the best idea he’s ever had, or the worst. Characters: Miguel Rivera, Ernesto de la Cruz, Héctor Rivera, Imelda Rivera, Chicharrón, Óscar and Felipe Rivera, OCs. Imector. Rating: T

[Tag with all chapters up here.]

[Also on Ao3]

A/N: I finished proofreading this while half-drunk at the airport. Here's hoping that's not too obvious.

***

Considering that Ernesto had absolutely no clue what the hell he was even doing, he thought things were going rather well.

His way of handling things had definitely raised a few brows, of course, but no one had called his bluff and no one was chasing him with sticks demanding to know what he’d done with the real priest - funny story, that. So he counted it as a success.

He’d even remembered how to handle the Rite of Eucharist, even if he’d maybe gulped down more wine than he should have, because at one point he could have sworn he’d seen Sister Sofia licking her lips while staring at him from her place among the other nuns. He’d blinked and she looked perfectly normal, so he must have imagined it - a sure sign he’d gone too long without a woman.

Other than that, all was well. The Mass was over, everyone go in peace or something, and his cover was still up - a rather original priest from out of town. Even that bag of laughs of the Mother Superior seemed to suspect nothing. She looked slightly perplexed, maybe, but nothing more. He could pull this off for as long as it was needed.

If he didn’t know that would look odd, Ernesto would have patted himself on the back; instead, he just settled for exchanging pleasantries and nods with the parishioners as they began leaving the church… only that quickly enough the steady line towards the exit came to a halt, and a few murmurs went through the crowd, causing Ernesto to blink.

“Who may that be?”

“A gringo…?”

“Mamá, why is that man pink?”

What the…?

The crowd seemed to suddenly part in two, like the Red Sea before Moses - look, mamá, I’m getting the hang of this priest thing - and walking up to him there was… well, it was a gringo all right, with straw-like hair and beard. And, unless that town had somehow become a beacon for chronic liars in clergy clothes, he was also a priest.

Uh-oh.

“Father Ernest,” the man called out, and took another step forward, bowing his head slightly. It was only the two of them before the altar, everyone else several steps away. Ernesto had enough time to wonder if he was really talking to him, but not enough say anything - let alone to correct him on his name - before he spoke again. “Laudetur Jesus Christus.”

Ernesto blinked. “I don’t speak English,” he said, only realizing his mistake when the priest - Ernesto had never in his life seen someone so ridiculously pink - blinked, taken aback.

“Wha–” he began, only to trail off when someone suddenly laughed uproariously and grasped Ernesto’s cassock.

“Hahahaha! Good one!” Miguel exclaimed, grinning up at both of them. Where had he come from? “It was funny, wasn’t it? Padre Ernesto tells the best jokes!” he added, and the grip on the cassock tightened. Realization - he knew - hit Ernesto like a jolt, but he managed not to make his shock plain. Despite the fact his heart seemed to have sunk somewhere in the vicinity of his kneecaps, Ernesto managed to smile.

“I can never resist,” he said, gaining himself a less than impressed look from the other man - who was, very clearly, allergic to fun. Still, his gaze softened when he looked at Miguel.

“Oh, the altar boy,” he said. His Spanish was… passable, Ernesto supposed, but the accent was so thick it made some words quite hard to understand. “Good afternoon. I’m Father John. And you are…?”

“Miguel. I, uh, really need to speak to Padre Ernesto a minute here, but I’ll give him back–”

“It won’t be long, Michael,” Father John said, causing Miguel to blink in confusion and Ernesto to frown. “Father Ernest and I–”

“Ernesto,” Ernesto found himself saying, more coldly than he should have. He had to shed who he was, and he had to shed his surname, but the name his parents had given him was still his own and like hell he’d let some sunburnt gringo twist it. “I was christened Ernesto, with an o at the end. And his name is Miguel.”

It was as though he had said nothing at all. “–Have some matters to discuss,” he finished, and turned those unnerving watery eyes back to him. Ernesto met his gaze with an unimpressed look of his own. In a way, annoyance was a blessing: it kept him from freaking out over the fact that, well, the altar boy had caught him out.

“Sure thing, Padre Juan,” he said, his voice tight, and the faint smile on Father John’s face faded.

Good.

He fully expected a cold remark, but just then Héctor approached with quick steps, waving off the small crowd that had been standing a few steps away. They seemed to get the message and resumed walking out of the church, although several of them paused to glance back, clearly puzzled. The nuns, too, looked perplexed as they passed by. Soon enough, there was only them in the church… and a very confused-looking Gustavo somewhere in the back.

“We had no idea there would be a visitor,” Héctor said, smiling widely. His voice seemed to echo in the church. “Welcome among us, Padre… I’m sorry, I did not catch that. My ears were kind of ringing a bit. The organ, you know?”

“Juan,” Ernesto quipped.

“John,” the gringo said pointedly, then smiled at Héctor. “I supposed you are the novice Father Edmund spoke of so highly of in his letters. Brother Hector, is that it?”

He pronounced it funny, but at least his name was spared. Héctor nodded. “That would be me, yes. Did you say Padre Edmundo wrote to you?”

A nod, and Father John turned back to Ernesto. The smile had already faded. “I understand that you have only just arrived in this parish,” he said. “Fresh out of seminary, I assume.”

Fresh out of the army and oh, did I learn a thing or two there I’d like to do right now.

“You could say that,” Ernesto said instead, his voice carefully controlled, gaining himself another nod.

“I have been in touch with your predecessor, may God take him in His glory. He kindly said he’d let me stay for a time. I have been traveling Mexico for the past year--”

“Vacation?” Ernesto guessed. The guy had noticeable self-control, he had to give him that, but this time he just barely stopped himself from rolling his eyes.

“I am on a mission, on behalf of the Holy Catholic Church,” he said, his voice tight. It made his awful accent even worse, somehow. “To evangelize the people of this country.”

Ernesto blinked, and turned to Héctor, who looked back at him at an absolute loss. Not help there, then. Wondering if he hadn’t simply heard wrong - he was hard to understand at times, really - Ernesto cleared his throat. “You might be… a few centuries too late.”

“The work of God is never done.”

“No, I mean… you are. Everyone and their dog is already Catholic,” Ernesto pointed out, and the gringo glowered at him.

“Surely you jest,” he muttered. “Although this is no jesting matter. Animals lack souls. They cannot possibly be Catholic.”

Oh, Jesus Christ.

“I didn’t mean that literally. Either way, the fact stays that we’re all Catholic. So sorry you had to waste a trip. But if you’d like to stay a night or two before you move on someplace else where your help is needed--”

“From what I have seen today, I believe my help is needed here and now. Especially during Lent, I believe it quite important that the holy Mass is held properly,” Father John cut him off, and Ernesto held back a groan. All right, so this guy clearly was not a fan of the spin he’d put to the traditional mass. Can’t please everyone and all that, but did he really have to be such a miserable pain in the ass?

“Well, things are still a bit, uh. As you said, I just arrived. But I guarantee we are all Catholic, so it would be rather redundant to bring over Catholicism all over aga--”

“I am talking of proper Catholicism, Father Ernest,” the man said, tilting up his chin. “Not the watered down kind you practice here, laced with pagan fetishes and superstition.”

Hijo de tu puta madre, Ernesto thought. It was a very tempting retort to utter, if a decidedly un-priestly one - and maybe the thought had showed on his face, because suddenly there was another very urgent pull at his cassock and Miguel was speaking fast.

“No! I mean-- that’s really interesting, Padre Jua-- Father John!” he blurted out, and smiled, ignoring how both Ernesto and Héctor were blinking down at him. “Why don’t you hold mass for a while? As our guest?”

That caused the gringo to blink before the surprise melted in a smile that was surprisingly warm. “I’d be happy to, if Father Ernest is willing to let me.”

“Wha--” Ernesto began to protest, only to trail off when Miguel’s foot suddenly stomped down on his - a sudden, painful reminder of two things: that the boy knew, and that he couldn’t hold mass for shit. “Agh! I mean - ah, what a good idea!”

Héctor frowned, eyes shifting between them. “Miguel, are you all--”

“Never been better! But now I think I really need to borrow Padre Ernesto for a minute. Or two. Or twenty,” he exclaimed, grinning widely, and began dragging Ernesto towards the sacristy. “Why don’t you show Father John around? Gustavo can look after his… horse?”

“I came with a donkey.”

“An ass on top of an ass,” Ernesto muttered under his breath, and held back a yelp when Miguel swiftly kicked his shin. Within moments they were back in the sacristy, and Miguel was slamming the door shut behind them. “That kick was entirely unnecess--”

“Who are you?” Miguel demanded to know, crossing his arms, and Ernesto shut his mouth.

Oh, he thought. Right. He figured it out. Should have left him to drown.

“I…” he began, glancing around the sacristy. He had left his gun in his room, hidden in the mattress, but he wouldn’t need that to overpower a child. He could smother him easily. But still, how could he get away without anyone noticing? Witnesses had seen him entering the room with Miguel; even if he got out from the back door after dealing with him, he… he…

“You are not a priest,” Miguel said, arms still crossed, but he didn’t look hostile; rather, he seemed curious - the way kids can be, and the full implications of what he’d been thinking hit him like a bucket of cold water. For a moment he could see the glare of the sun on the barrel of his gun and Alberto’s unprotected back in front of him, and smell gunpowder and blood in the air… only that now he wasn’t looking at a grown man at all.

A kid, Jesus Christ, he was standing there thinking of how to best kill a kid.

“Uh, Padr-- Ernest-- señor?” Miguel’s voice reached Ernesto as though from a mile away; there was no mirror for him to look into nearby, but if there were, he was fairly sure he would have found himself staring at a face as pale as ash. He staggered backwards, and his back hit the wall.

“I…” he began, and swallowed. He could taste bile in the back of his throat. If he’d had a gun at had, if not for that gringo and for Héctor just out of the door, what would have have done? “Miguel, I… how…?”

Entirely unaware of the thoughts that had been storming through his mind, Miguel shrugged. “I saw you trying to read the Bible. You didn’t just decide to do things differently, right? You don’t know any Latin.”

“I…” Ernesto swallowed again. His mouth felt dry as sandpaper. “No. I don’t know Latin.”

“So you are not a priest.”

“... No. I need to know, did you tell anyone--”

“Of course not!” Miguel exclaimed, cutting him off, and now he seemed offended. “You kept the secret when you found me at the stream and I wasn’t supposed to, remember?”

Ernesto blinked. That… wasn’t the reply he had expected, but it made sense, in a childish kind of way. Won’t tell if you don’t. “Ah,” he said, and sighed in relief. “That.”

“And I know people would assume all the wrong things, like, that you’re a spy from the government,” Miguel went on, rolling his eyes and not realizing the way Ernesto had stilled. “They see spies in every newcomer - I bet they’ll watch that gringo like hawks now. They think I don’t understand what they’re talking about, but I do. So maybe they would get the wrong idea, but I know better,” he added, and grinned. “You’re a good guy.”

“... Am I now?”

Miguel nodded, in a way only a nine year old stating the tenets of the universe can. “Yes! You saved me from the stream, kept it a secret, and then taught me a song,” he declared, counting each feat on his fingers. “That’s good guy stuff. You can’t be with the government.”

Ernesto blinked for a few more moment before giving a guffawing laugh. What a childish, simplistic world view… and how very convenient for him. “No,” he said, and crouched down to be closer to Miguel’s eye level. “I am not with the government. Not anymore.”

For a moment, the boy seemed to falter. “Anymore…?”

“I was forced to join the army, and escaped.” Shot a man in the process, but all wars have their casualties. “Now I’m hiding from them.”

“Oh, I see. They forced some men from here to join, too. So you switched sides?”

“No,” Ernesto replied, more harshly than he’d meant to. “I have no side. I want no part in this war at all. I’m just trying to live through it - I’m a musician, not a damn soldier.”

Miguel nodded. “Oh, that’s why you’re so good at playing and singing! And that’s why you’re pretending to be a priest… without knowing Latin. You didn’t plan this very well, did you?”

Ernesto rubbed the back of his neck. “Planning is… not my greatest talent. I met the priest who was sent here from Oaxaca on the way, but he was caught up in a fight. Didn’t make it. That’s when I decided to take his place. I seized my moment,” he added. It sounded better than ‘I am sort of winging it as I go’, which was the overly honest version.

The notion seemed to sadden the boy, but only for a few moments. After all, they were talking about a man he had never met nor known. “Will they hang you if they catch you?” he asked, and suddenly sounded excited. Ernesto did not like that.

“... Very likely. I’d rather not find out, though,” he added, reaching up for his throat.

“Fair enough. Good thing I can help you!”

Ernesto blinked. “What?” he asked, and Miguel grinned, starting to pace back and forth.

“Yes, it’s perfect! That gringo arrived just at the right time!”

“Wha--”

“Everyone will focus on him! And he can say mass while you learn Latin!”

“I am not going to learn--”

“All right, maybe not that, but you can memorize the stuff you need to say! I did,” the boy cut him off, and tapped his forehead. “It’s all in here. It’s boring, but I can help you!”

Ernesto blinked, taken aback. The notion of keeping up that charade for more than a few days seemed… slightly less insane than it had just a few minutes ago, really. He was a good actor; he had good memory. Maybe he could pull it off, and get to spend the rest of that stupid war hidden away in that small town, eating three meals a day and with very little danger of being caught and hanged. He just needed… a little help.

“You can help me,” he repeated, and raised an eyebrow. “All right. What’s the catch, niño?”

He’d half-expected the boy to play innocent, but he didn’t even bother to; instead, he smiled widely. “I need your help to stop Héctor before he becomes a priest.”

That was just about the last thing he expected to hear. “You need my help to-- what?”

Miguel rolled his eyes. “Oh, come on! He shouldn’t be a priest! He should marry Imelda, everyone knows he likes her!”

“And Imelda is…?”

“Oh, right. You haven’t met her. They call her Sister Gisela now.”

Ernesto could feel the first stab of something that threatened to turn into a huge headache. “You want me get a novice to drop his vows and marry a nun, did I hear that right?”

“She’s not a nun yet! We also have to stop that from happening, by the way.”

“I have to stop him from becoming a priest, her from becoming a nun, and get them married.”

“Yes!” Miguel exclaimed, clearly glad to see he’d caught on. “I mean, you’re the parish priest! Well, the think you are. They will listen to you,” he added, then paused, frowning in thought. “... Well, maybe Héctor is more likely to listen. But you should talk with Sister Sofía! She also thinks they should drop their vows, and Imelda listens to her. Sorta. Kinda. Maybe.”

“I’m sorta, kinda, maybe thinking I should have let the army hang me.”

Miguel made a face. “Being hanged sounds unpleasant.”

All right, so maybe that was exaggerating just a little bit. Ernesto shrugged, conceding the point. “Fine. Let me see if I understood you correctly. You are going to keep this a secret and teach me whatever crap I have to say during Mass while Padre Culo Blanco covers that for time being,” he said, jabbing an index finger against Miguel’s chest before pointing at himself with the thumb. “And in exchange, I convince a priest and a nun--”

“They aren’t yet a priest and a nun.”

“Fine. I convince two novices to drop their holy vows and know each other biblically, possibly within the sacred bond of marriage. Is that it? That’s the deal?”

Miguel seemed just slightly confused. “What does it mean, know each other biblically?”

“How old are you again, niño?”

“Nine.”

“... It means they kiss.”

“Eeeugh.”

Ernesto raised an eyebrow. “That’s rich, coming from a self-professed matchmaker,” he joked, but the smile faded quickly. “Miguel. Do you swear you won’t say a word about this?”

“I’ll be silent as a grave,” the kid promised, and as he began quickly suggesting a course of action for his - their - matchmaking project, Ernesto did his best to listen… and not to think of the terrifying moment when he’d seriously considered blowing a hole in the boy’s head.

***

“Juanita doesn’t like that gringo.”

“Juanita doesn’t like anyone.”

“I don’t like that gringo.”

“You don’t like anyone, either.”

Chicharrón scoffed, and held the rooster in his lap somewhat protectively. “I like Juanita.”

“... Right.”

“No one likes that gringo, Héctor,” Cheech muttered through the stick in his mouth, and Héctor had to admit he had a point. Most people had put on a polite expression because that’s what you do with a priest, after all… but anyone who knew them - and he would, he’d grown up in those streets - could tell.

It was hard to trust newcomers, those days; Padre Ernesto was already well-liked, despite raising a few brows with that… interesting Mass, but it didn’t mean he was fully trusted. And that man - an American - seemed suspicious from a mile away. Distrust was natural and, really, he wasn’t helping his case at all with his condescending comments on how they handled religious matters, about pagan beliefs to be eradicated, how he was on a mission on God’s behalf to set things right.

Honestly, despite the smile Héctor had pasted on his face, he couldn’t recall anyone going that out of his way to grate on everyone’s nerves since… Gustavo, maybe, back when he’d just arrived at the orphanage and mocked everyone else by insisting that he wasn’t like them, he had a mamá and she would be back to pick him up soon, just you wait, she’ll be back for me before you know it.

She had never come, and Héctor had felt sorry for him, but all of his attempts at showing friendship were thrown back in his face and thus he’d stopped trying very quickly. This, however, was a priest - someone he should at least try to get on with.

“He’s not that bad,” he muttered, tuning his guitar. To be fair, Father John hadn’t been like that the entire time. He’d told him a few really interesting things about his travels, had been really interested in the charity work the parish did and shown interest in getting involved, and he’d seemed genuinely impressed by what little English Héctor could speak - which, to be entirely honest, wasn’t as good as the man’s slightly shaky Spanish. He’d smiled warmly, corrected his pronunciation, and then even laughed a bit.

“My apologies, I forget myself,” he’d said. “I’m not here for a language lesson - but sometimes it feels good, hearing your language when you’re far from home,” he’d added, and then suddenly excused himself.

Héctor strummed the guitar, a frown creasing his brow. There had been something on the man’s face as he’d spoken those words, there one moment and gone the next: a sort of desperate longing that had made him pause. He remembered seeing that look before, on the faces of other children who talked about parents they would never see again.

Unaware of his thoughts, Cheech was scoffing. “He is that bad. Bad news.”

“Maybe we should give him a chance. Maybe he’s just… well…”

“A pompous white ass.”

“American.”

“That’s what I said.”

Héctor laughed. “Hah! Don’t let him hear you.”

“I want him to hear me.”

“And I would like to change subject,” Héctor said, rolling his eyes. Come to think of it, where was Miguel? After he’d gone off somewhere with Padre Ernesto, he hadn’t seen him aroun--

“Oh, right. Almost forgot. They’re coming to take their stuff tonight.”

The casual comment caused Héctor to wince, and his hand slipped off the guitar strings. “Cheech! Not that loud!”

“And who’s gonna hear us, dead people?” Chicharrón scoffed, but he did him the favor to lower his voice. “It’s all sorted, in the usual coffins, in the usual place. You would know, you moved them. They’ll be gone by morning and that will be it.”

“Until the next message.”

“Until the next message, yes,” Cheech muttered, and scratched Juanita’s head. “Wonder who else gets them. I doubt we’re the only ones.”

Héctor had wondered that from time to time, too, and more. “Do you ever wonder who is it, leaving us instructions?”

“Oh, of course. I thought it was old Alejandro for a while, but then he went six feet under and the notes kept coming. Same handwriting and all,” he said, and shrugged. “Maybe it’s Ceci.”

“Ceci?” Héctor repeated, raising an eyebrow. It seemed… unlikely, that their local seamstress would be the mind behind it all. Of course, you never know; something was slightly off with her, with the amount of clothes for the poor that had suddenly become ‘unmendable’ and disappeared. Ceci had always taken pride in her skill to salvage even the most worn-out rags, and Héctor suspected that some of those clothes were mendable after all, and went to other people who had use for them. Can’t fight a Revolution naked, after all.

“I saw her around here not long before I found the note in the usual place,” Cheech was saying, unaware of his thoughts. “This is not the day to collect donated clothing.”

“She was here to make changes to the robes. They’re too tight for Padre Ernesto.”

“Hmmm. Guess that explains it,” Cheech muttered, and shrugged again. “Well, I got nothing, then. I could be anyo--”

“Héctor! Are you still wasting your time with the old goat?” Gustavo’s voice rang out.

Cheech let out a grumble. “Except this cabrón.”

“... Yes. Except this cabrón,” Héctor muttered, causing the old man to chortle.

"Oh, listen to yourself, Brother Héctor. You’ll have to wash your mouth with soap now."

Héctor laughed, and stood. Gustavo was at the low wall between the path and the cemetery, a scowl on his face. "Here you are. Sofía decided to make me her errand boy and--"

"Sister Sofía, you mean."

“I can think of other ways to call her, and none of them is sister,” Gustavo scoffed. "She says dinner is ready, and that you should dine with Padre Ernesto and Padre Jua-- Father John," he corrected himself quickly, and Héctor had to hold back a chuckle. So, that nickname was catching up already. Father John wasn't going to be pleased, but then again he seemed difficult to please either way.

"You're lucky, no chorizo,” Gustavo was going on. “You should live to see another day."

The remark caused Héctor to scowl. "It was one time," he protested. Really, one time you eat too quickly, one time you get a chorizo stuck in your throat, one time you puke it right back up in front of everyone, and there is some pendejo who'll never let you forget about it.

"And very nearly your last,” Gustavo mocked him, and turned to walk away. Héctor wondered about that; usually, as the sexton, he had most meals at the parish.

“Aren’t you coming?” he called out, gaining himself a scoff and a glare over his shoulder.

“Unlike a certain someone, I have more to do then toying with guitars.”

Héctor rolled his eyes. “Self-important jerk,” he muttered, and headed back to the parish with the guitar over his shoulder.

***

Ernesto had never enjoyed killing.

He had done it anyway, of course, and several times. During a battle or an ambush, to finish off wounded enemies afterwards - those were the easiest ones, because it was kill or be killed in one case and a mercy in the other.

But then there had been the other times. The times were men would stand accused of aiding the revolutionaries, found guilty after a joke of a trial, and publicly shot; the times he was picked to be part of the firing squad and made himself go through the motions, the screams and pleas and curses of those witnessing - mothers and wives, sons and daughters and brothers and sisters - ringing in his ears for a long time afterwards.

There had been one time when they’d begun moving on, only to hear the village’s church ringing its bell in a death toll to mourn their dead; their commander had been so infuriated that he’d made them all turn around, had the bellringer dragged out, and shot him point blank in the face. Ernesto hadn’t been the only one to turn on his saddle to vomit in the dirt.

The nightmares had eased after some time, but that bitter taste in the back of his throat would return, unannounced, more often than he’d have liked. He’d tasted it after gunning down Alberto to get away, after ending the dying priest whose cloth he’d taken, and he could taste it now, too. He hadn’t shot Miguel for knowing too much, but the thought had been there and Christ, he needed something strong to wash it away. Except that he could have no such thing, because good old Padre Juan had decided that they shouldn’t have even wine.

“It is Lent, after all. We are meant to give up on such small luxuries. Our Lord certainly had none, alone in the desert as he faced the Devil.”

No, Ernesto had no taste for killing… but the more that gringo talked, the more he felt that could be an exception. Thankfully, Brother Héctor had taken one for the team by engaging with that ass first; it seemed to have backfired, because now he just wouldn’t stop spewing out theological crap and suggesting he could give him English lessons. It was easy to tell Héctor was regretting his decision to start small talk, but Ernesto had absolutely no desire to intervene. The less he had to talk with John Proper Catholicism Johnson, the better.

Really, at that point Héctor just kept nodding with a rather faraway look in his eyes. Was he thinking about this Imelda to keep himself sane? Ernesto sure hoped so, as he hoped he would find the note he had slipped under his door. Miguel had said he’d make sure the other one would find its way in Imelda’s own room. Not precisely the brightest or most original of plans, getting them alone in the same place at night, but they had to start somewhere.

If those two liked each other as Miguel claimed they did, it might just work.

“... As a matter of fact, I never found any of you to be intellectually lacking compared to the white man, save a few exceptions,” the gringo was saying, so very magnanimously. “I do disagree with that school of thought. One cannot help the circumstances of one’s birth, but it is our duty to seek to elevate ourselves and help those less fortunate--”

Ernesto forced himself to let go of the fork. Anything could be turned into a weapon and he was Not Supposed to kill any more priests that week. Or ever, possibly. And well, it looked like he wasn’t the only one who was getting seriously fed up. A few steps away, Sister Sofía - or Sister Sophie, according to the gringo - was holding a frying pan in her hand, eyes shifting from it to Father John and then back again.

Ernesto smiled a bit, and that was when her gaze paused on him. She raised both eyebrows.

You can absolve me later, she mouthed, and Ernesto bit the inside of his cheek not to laugh.

“... What do you think, Father Ernest?” Father John’s grating voice caused him to recoil and look back to him… and at Héctor, who looked like he’d had his soul sucked out of his body.

“Huh?”

“I asked if you’d like to join Padre Hector and me in the chapel for the evening prayer. Certainly that is not a good habit you have shed along with your Latin, is it?”

Ernesto’s eyes flickered behind him. Sister Sofía raised the frying pan, tilting her head in a mute question. It was funny enough to help him not lose his temper, and he managed to smile as though he meant it. “I would love to, but I prefer to say the evening prayer on my own,” he said. “After some private reflection.”

To his relief, he didn’t insist further; he just wished him and Sister Sophie a good night, and left along with a rather resigned-looking Héctor. Ernesto sighed and leaned back on the chair as soon as the door closed behind them. “God give me patience.”

“I’ve got something better,” Sister Sofía said, and within moments there was a bottle of mass wine on the table, plus a second glass. Ernesto raised an eyebrow, and she shrugged. “What Padre Juan doesn’t know cannot hurt him. As much as I would like to do that at times,” she quipped, pouring wine in his glass, and Ernesto barked out a laugh, taking it.

“Telling me you’d like to harm another member of the clergy, Sister?”

“You can absolve me later,” she smiled, and picked up her own glass. “He’s probably going to be a complete killjoy at Mass. A shame, that,” she added, and smiled, putting a hand on his arm. “I liked your take on it.”

Ernesto thought back of the moment when he’d thought he had seen her licking her lips while staring at him and wondered, suddenly, if that hadn’t been just his imagination after all.

“... I think I noticed,” he found himself saying, and her laughter as she lifted the glass - the glint in her eyes as she glanced at him as though he were a tasty morsel - confirmed his suspicion. He found he liked that thought; there was something flattering about it. She wasn’t that much to look at, short and thin as a twig in robes that were hardly meant to be flattering, but he hadn’t been with a woman for so, so long.

You have a cover to keep, no point in risking it. This is not the hill you want to die on, idiota.

But then again, a nun? She had all the more reasons to keep whatever may happen a secret, he thought as she brought the glass to her lips with a smile. Ernesto did the same and finally, as he gulped it down, the taste of bile in the back of his throat began to fade.

***

His old Bible was where John had left it, on the small table at his bedside.

Most of his few belongings had yet to be unpacked - he’d simply left them in the small room he’d been offered before Brother Hector had begun showing him around - and he would do that early the next morning. Now he was so tired, he wished for nothing but sleep. But not just yet; with his evening prayers uttered, there was one thing yet to do before he could rest.

First thing in the morning and last thing in the evening, so that you never forget.

There was a folded, worn-out letter marking the page he was looking for. He held it in one hand, careful not to crease it, and his eyes rested on the one passage he’d underlined, circled, and read so many times. And he read it again now, so he could never forget.

Then, he unfolded the letter. It wasn’t a much longer read than the passage; a few sentences that were like a slammed door. John read each word, folded the sheet of paper again, placed it back on the Bible, and closed it. He kissed its cover, put it down on the table and then - only then - did he reach up to wipe his eyes with the heel of his hand.

It hurt. Twelve years, and it still hurt. Every morning and evening, until he could redeem himself; until he saved enough souls to be deserving of a second chance for his own.

So that you never forget.

***

Getting in the basement of the orphanage was… oddly easy.

It would have been easy either way, truth be told: Héctor had access to the keys of the small door that let to it from outside, and he had taken them before leaving the parish, but as it turned out it wasn’t needed. After going down the stone steps below the road level, he’d found the door was already open. That was… odd, but no odder than the note he had found in his room when he’d returned after the evening prayer with Father John.

Come at the orphanage’s basement at midnight. It is important. Tell no one.

It was written in uppercase, and he did not recognize the handwriting. He wondered if it may be from the same person who left Cheech the instructions about the weapons and supplies, but he had never seen what the writing in those looked like, so he wasn’t sure.

He’d show Cheech the note and ask the next day; now he had to focus on… whatever that was about.

Why me, though? Cheech is their man. I only helped him.

A good question, and with nothing anywhere close to an answer. That unnerved him more than the near-complete darkness in the basement; the candle he’d lit gave some light, but the deep shadows it cast only made the place more ominous. But he had been there before as a child, sometimes as punishment and sometimes just to get some time by himself, and he could walk through it with his eyes shut.

What unnerved him the most was the silence. There was no one aside for himself; all he could see was the heap of old furniture, wood to burn in winter, broken things and… what was that, in the back? Héctor moved towards the back of the room where, besides a few shelves with canned food, he could see what looked like a few crates covered with tarp.

Unlike all the rest, that wasn’t covered in dust; it looked out of place, and he wondered--

“Who’s there?”

“Eeek!” The less than dignified shriek left him just as he dropped the candle, which extinguished itself before it even touched the ground. Still, he was not left in darkness: when he turned he found himself facing someone else who was, too, holding a candle. “... Imelda?”

“Héctor?”

For a moment, they just stared at each other. She looked surprised, and beautiful in the flickering light of the candle, in that moment of stillness and silence as the world slept and it felt as though there was only the two of them awake. In an empty basement. Alone.

Bad, bad, bad. This is bad.

“I mean--” Héctor cleared his throat. “Sister Gisela,” he said, and she seemed relieved.

“Brother Héctor,” she greeted him back, and stood there as Héctor quickly went to pick up the candle. She held out her own to let him light it up again, and then took a couple of steps back. She was fully dressed in her robe and headdress, and he was wearing his cassock, but somehow the entire situation felt extraordinarily inappropriate. “What are you doing here? This time of the night?” she asked, her voice cautious.

Not knowing how much he could or should tell her, Héctor could have asked the same - but before he could utter a single word there was light, stronger than that cast by their candles, and a man’s voice rang out. “Well, this is more crowded than I was expecting.”

They both winced and turned to see that they were no longer alone. A few steps from them there were a few men, all of them armed. The closest one, carrying an oil lamp, chuckled.

“Well, look at that,” he said, and smiled with a mouth full of crooked teeth before gesturing for the men to lower their guns. “It’s you. Nice to finally meet you in person, amigos,” he added, and Héctor knew he wasn’t going to die that night.

Well, that was turning out to be a really odd night.

***

Imelda had known something was off the moment she had found the note in her room, clearly slipped in beneath the door, telling her to go down in the basement at midnight and tell no one. She’d figured right away it had to have something to do with the weapons she was keeping there, of course - what else could it be about? - but it was also very, very odd.

Her presence had never been required or requested when it was time for the revolutionaries to come and collect them and, most of all, the note itself was different: the handwriting was different, or at least so it seemed to her. It was hard to tell, since this one was in uppercase and none of the others had been.

It unnerved her, and she wished she could tell Sofía about it, but it was not an option that evening: she was away, taking care of the parish and, if she got her way, of the priest as well. Granted, now that a gringo had gotten there, Padre Ernesto was no longer the one Imelda was most interested in knowing about. While an outsider, and clearly not a very conventional priest, at least Padre Ernesto wasn’t a foreigner. An American’s presence there of all places made little sense, and Imelda didn’t like that. Something was up with that man, she could tell.

Maybe, she’d thought, that was the reason why someone wanted to speak to her, and she’d gone down in the basement at midnight, walking through empty and silent halls, not quite knowing what she would find.

Admittedly, Héctor - Brother Héctor - was not among the various options she’d imagined.

"Well, this is awkward, huh? You guys weren't really meant to meet. Safer for everyone if each of you knows as little as possible," the man with the oil lamp - José, he’d called himself, but Imelda suspected that was not his real name - said with another smile as his companions quickly took the weapons and loaded on a small cart they had left outside.

“You…?” both Imelda and Héctor exclaimed, looking at each other and then falling silent.

Imelda was at a loss for words. All of those notes, all along, it had been Héctor of all people? Unaware of the fact Héctor was thinking exactly the same thing - all of those nose, all along, it had been Imelda? - she turned away, Sofía’s words echoing in the back of her mind.

Oh, I think he’s a better actor than you give him credit for.

“Still, what’s done is done. Thanks for the help,” José was adding, thankfully unaware of her thoughts. “The army is still stretched pretty thin, but some of them are getting closer. We’ll send most of these to our friends up north, but will keep a few as well. Just in case.”

That caused Héctor to stop staring at her with his mouth agape and frown. “Do you think they’ll get to Santa Cecilia? Again?” he asked. The mere thought was enough to make Imelda feel cold; last time the army had been there they had taken men, and they had been able to hide away the boys. Next time, they may not be so lucky; orphans were very convenient in war. No one would fight to keep them… or so the Federales seemed to think.

“Maybe we should keep a few rifles,” Imelda spoke up, causing Héctor to wince and José to raise an eyebrow. “In case they come for the children.”

The man barked out a laugh. “Hah! I like the way you think, Sister, but not to worry. If you’re ever in trouble, we will know. And we will fight,” he promised, then he tilted his head. “So. What is this I heard about a gringo in town… ?”

As Héctor filled him in with what he knew about Father John - which was not much, truth be told, but he seemed to think he was relatively inoffensive, if annoying - and promised to keep an eye on him, Imelda found herself staring at him more intensely than she had in years. In the sharp light of the oil lamp he looked, for the first time, more like a man - a world away from the boy she thought she’d known.

Something was going on, something much bigger than either of them, and they were in it together.

***

[Back to Part 3]

[On to Part 5]

#pixar coco #miguel rivera #ernesto de la cruz #hector rivera #imelda rivera #coco #fake priest au

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surveys-at-your-service · 6 years

Text

Survey #164

“on my forehead, a birthmark; remove it with a kiss of the knife, even if it causes me to die.”

Do you look like your mom? I'm told I do, but never seen it? Then again I'm bad at noticing subtle facial differences. When was the last time you overslept? I never have a time I need to get up now, so, couldn't tell you. What would you do if you could do anything without failing? Hm. One thing? That's tough. I guess... ride a rollercoaster without getting sick or, y'know, dying? I really, really wanna experience the adrenaline, but. Name something that happened to you that was completely unexpected? Bitch I don't even think my mother believed I would get over Jason. I feel like anyone who knew me well would've thought I'd never actually heal. Do you judge people that have multiple piercings? As if, when I want a lot. Have you read the Bible? Little of it. Do you think it’s cruel to keep an animal in a cage while you’re away? Depends on the size of the cage, if they're destructive when alone, and how long you're gone. Are there any lyrics to describe your current crush/relationship? "If I'm James Dean, You're Audrey Hepburn" by SwS screams. Do you ever receive comments on your weight? Not unless it's a doctor and I ask or if I'm asking Mom if I look like I lost any. Is there anything that you do just to make other people happy? Sometimes. When you need a temporary escape, what do you do? Go to sleep. What was the last lie that you believed in? I dunno. How long did your last feelings of heartbreak last? Like a year and a half. Do you ever have difficulty opening pill-bottle caps? Rarely. Are you uncomfortable with being photographed? No. How vivid are your memories? They can be extremely vivid while others are totally blurry. What is the worst question that someone could ask you? If I was offered a certain cold medicine. Or if someone asked about my left wrist. One would probably make me cry, the other would bury me in embarrassment. Have you ever ridden in a car with someone who was high? The driver. I was fucking terrified. That gets your ass in jail here. Who is the best hugger you know? I dunno. Sara and Girt both give great hugs. Juan did. I just like hugs okay. What is the next concert you will attend? Mom and I are desperately gonna try for Metallica in January. She literally cried and laughed hysterically when she found out they were coming; it was the sweetest damn thing I'd ever seen. Always told her we're going before she dies, and I plan on ensuring that. It's her dream. The tickets are just unsurprisingly more expensive than the average concert with who they are. What is the longest you have ever slept? Around 12 hours. Have you ever had to be put to sleep for an operation? Yes, tubes in ears and cyst removal. Have you ever had to clean up someone else’s vomit? No, and there is no fucking way I ever could. Human or animal. I would puke. Do you have any friends that are more than 2 years younger than you? One off the top of my head. Have you ever kissed some one with braces? No. Have you ever been able to do a split? Nope, not even when I was in dance. Are you intimidated by the last person you know talked badly about you? Embarrassingly, to some degree. Now in my defense, I'm afraid of most people, but she is a witch that fires straight for your insecurities, and I think it's pretty clear that I'm extremely sensitive. Have you ever cried in school? In the bathroom, I know I have, but I think I probably have teared up in class. What is the most times you have thrown up in one day? I dunno, maybe 4+ when I've had a virus? Last person to say your name? Mom, probs. Are any of your siblings married? Two are, no clue about Tiffany. Do you think the last person you kissed has ever lied to you? I'm aware she has, but I'm sure I probably did too when we were both asshole kids lmao. Who was your closest friend 4 years ago? Are you still close to that person? Colleen, and no. Have you ever liked someone else when you already had a boyfriend/girlfriend? What happened? It was one of the reasons I broke up with him. Is there a certain song that never seems to get old, no matter how many times you hear it? I will always be in the mood for Manson's "Third Day of a Seven Day Binge." Do you like to have croutons in your salad? Ugh no. Which do you find more irritating - sunburn or bug bites? Sunburn. What shape/type of fry do you like best [waffle fry, curly fry, steak fry, sweet potato fry, tater tot, etc.]? Hmm maybe curly. What’s your favorite type of bird? Barn owls. How many friends do you have on Facebook? 114. What pet names do you use with your significant other? OH GOD. "Honeybee," "pretty woman," "love(ly)," "sweetie," "hun(ny)," "babe," "baby(girl)," and yeesh probably more. Do you carry any means of protection on you while out in public? No, but I do plan on getting pepper spray once I'm more independent/on my own. Would you ever pick up a hitchhiker? Nooooo I ain't dyin' today. What is something that most people wouldn’t know about you from simply looking at you? I was once in great shape oops. What’s your longest road trip? I can't recall if Florida or NY was longer... Do you have any videos on your phone? If so, of what? Yes, the video that Sara sent me of Jem reaching for her. Actually the most precious thing I've seen. Do you think that your bedroom is a reflection of your personality? Or would people look at your room and misjudge you? Sure. Who would you really like to become better friends with? Yeesh, a lot of people... Mostly old friends. Do you personally know anybody who has more than five tattoos? Yeah. How big is your bed? Queen. Have you ever been to a bachelor or bachelorette party? No. Do you think it’s important for children to have a father figure in their life as they grow up? Gave some thought to this, and no. It's preferable to have two parents, but who says gender really matters? Just give the child two caring, unwaveringly supportive adults that can both teach them different things. Tbh I think having gay parents would allow you to grow up more open-minded anyway. Do you include your middle initial in your signature? Only if I'm supposed to. Have you ever imagined how it would feel kissing a certain someone? Yeah. Have you ever taken a picture with Santa when you were little? Yes. If you could have one more pet, what? One more python morph. Something you want to buy real bad? A drawing tablet. Something you would NEVER buy? Traditional mouse traps came to mind first. Inhumane as all hell. Now those that get them caught in a box, sure, because it in no way harms them. Just take them outside, asshole. What do you think will happen when you die? Hopefully, go to a positive afterlife of peace. It'd be amazing if you saw Heaven as you've always pictured it, but who knows how that works. I just about actually pray that you see loved ones again. Could you wait until marriage for sex? I could, yeah, but I'm pretty sure I dropped the abstinence thing. How would you describe your sense of humor? Dry and incredibly sarcastic. Do you share a middle name with any of your siblings? Yes. Do you currently have any bruises on your body? No. Can you cry on command? If so, have you ever used it to your advantage? No. Have you ever seen a lunar eclipse? A good number, yeah. A solar one? No. :c Do you know anyone who writes huge essays when they message you? Yeah, I don't mind! Show interest in talking!! Do you think your first love still loves you? Definitely not. I don't think he has a spot for me anywhere in his heart, really. Are you someone who has to analyze everything? Hi, I'm Brittany. What’s the last thing that scared the hell out of you? Mom popping up at my door talking when I had NO clue she was home. Do you have any awkward music downloaded on your iPod? I have "Daddy" by PSY can I jump off a bridge now. Have you ever been to church? What was it like? Yes, and it's something I've never enjoyed since being a little kid. Even in my more religious phases, I didn't enjoy it. It's boring and revolves way too much around "God is in control of everything," which sorry, don't believe so. Has a member of the opposite sex ever seen you naked? Yes. Do you use an umbrella when it rains? No. What articles of clothing have you been wanting to buy/did you buy recently? BITCH let me be small enough to wear gothic-looking corsets like I am TURNED ON. Were you ever a flower girl or ring bearer in anyone’s wedding when you were little? No. If you could either be fire resistant or breathe underwater, which would you rather be capable of? Hmmm fire resistant, I guess. Have you ever bought fake money and tried to make it pass for real? No. Have you ever had to sell something for a school fundraiser? Yup. If you have any piercings, who did them? Claire's and then two parlors here. Do you know someone who had completely changed for the worse when he/she started hanging out with another person? If so, who? HAHAHAHA JASON. He got closer to the ego-fueled Dillon, and then he began to change. Have you ever been pulled over, but just let off with a warning? No. Do you like mash-up songs? Occasionally. What do you consider to be a bad grade? For me, a low B. Would you ever consider adopting a child with a severe mental illness? If I wanted kids, probably not. I don't think I'd be the appropriate guardian for one with severe disorders. Have you ever pole danced before? No. Have you ever seen a live bat? Yes. Has a pet ever stolen food from you as you were eating it? Probably. Are you more comfortable kissing a boy or a girl? No preference. Have you ever kissed someone and hated it? He kissed me, but it was legit awful. Who in your family is the hardest to please? Grandma. Would you ever pierce your “private” areas? *holds out holy cross @ parlor* What type of humor do you find funniest? CLEVER. And, surprisingly, self-deprecating if you cast it as confident. I just like when people are able to joke about themselves. NOW, this is a sense of humor to be careful with of course, but some can use it hilariously. What types of things fascinate you? WOWIE SO MUCH!! Caves, outer space, how spiders design webs, lightning bugs, abandoned buildings and shacks, animal behavior (especially w/ social species), witchcraft, the paranormal, and... wow, so much more. The universe is just incredible! What kind of place would you want to raise your children? Answering for if I actually wanted them: Out. In. Nature. It's a shame how reliant we are on technology - myself included -, so I'd want my children to know true fun and knowledge is found outdoors. Teach them an appreciation for the outdoors and the creatures we share this planet with. So I'd definitely want to live out in the woods more than I naturally do. Has your father met the boy you currently love? *girl, but yes. Haven't directly asked him, but I'm quite sure he likes her. Would you rather spend a whole day with your mom or your dad? Probably Dad. He's easier to get along with, very fun, and then I just don't get to see him nearly enough. What serial killer do you find most disturbing? Don't know much about any, but I know Charles Manson was all kinds of fucked up. Have you ever written or received a suicide note? Written. Do you have the same color hair as your siblings? Yes. Do you have the same color eyes as your siblings? Only Bobby. What is your favorite type of cat? Persian. What’s your opinion on tattoos in the workforce? How about piercings? JUDGE BY WORK ETHIC, NOT HOW THEY FUCKING LOOK. Do women breastfeeding in public make you feel uncomfortable? Why or why not? If you have a problem with a mother feeding her hungry child naturally, I don't want to know you. At all. This is a "controversial" topic where it is only black and white: You're either an ignorant ass, or an intelligent human being that knows what the hell breasts are for. Who in your life makes you the most uncomfortable? My sister's husband, probably. He's against just about everything about me, and his judgment is pretty damn intense. I don't go to church, my hair "isn't feminine" like it "should be," and I'm in a gay relationship. I'm aware he doesn't like me even though he tries to put on a nice face. Is there anything that you do just to make other people happy? Ha, shave my legs. What band would you most like to meet? Lemme meet Ozzy before he passes away 'cuz I need to THANK HIS ASS, plus he cracks me up. Do you have a least favorite day of the year? Not particularly... Well, I realized this year now that I'm healed that Jason's and my anniversary date gives me anxiety. I look back at just how demolished I was and wonder what it would be like if I never got help. 99.99% sure I'd be dead by now. Do you want someone you can’t have? No, I have her. :''''') When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face? Over a week back. I legitimately wanted to punch her. When was the last time you totally broke down? It's been awhile. Has a friendship ended recently that you wish had not? No. Do you ever listen to country music? It is rare as fuck if I actively look for a country song. Would you have sex with the 5th person on your text inbox? WELL, she's a minor, so, but she's also not my type romantically. She's a lil sis to me. Are you attracted to the last person that kissed you? Yes. If you could seek revenge on someone would you? No. What are you listening to right now? "Mutter" by Rammstein, ahhhh it's gorgeous & I wanna make a character influenced by the concept. Are you afraid of death? Not really. Do you think you have to be skinny in order to be beautiful? Fuck off. Have you ever drooled in public? Maybe? I don't recall a situation. Have you ever been bitten by a dog? No. Would you ever shave your head? The one and only situation I could see myself doing this is if my child had to have this happen for cancer or something and they were self-conscious, so I'd do the same. Have you ever drawn a picture with sidewalk chalk? Yeah, I used to love playing with chalk. What is the worst possible way to die? Maybe burning alive. Or getting slowly eaten alive. Have you ever burnt yourself with a lighter? No, I don't mess with them. They scare me. Would you ever meet someone you met online? Already have, and there's more I'd love to meet. Have you ever kissed the TV? Not to my memory. Would you rather visit a sunflower field or a pumpkin patch? Sunflower field. Have you ever found a four leaf clover? Yes, the day of or a couple after Dad left. I found a patch of them, actually. When you’re being kissed, do you like it when they hold your face? Yeah. Explain why you stopped kissing the last person you kissed? Well she had a plane waiting for her lmao. If you were on life support, would you want to be taken off? YES. FUCKING PLEASE. DO NOT LET ME SUFFER LIKE THAT. Who was your first kiss? First person I romantically kissed on the cheek was Juan, Juan was the first to kiss me, first *actual* kiss was Jason. What’s your favorite form of dancing? Modern. Make it some sorta creepy and creative shit. What’s the most disturbing thing you’ve ever been through? Hmmm. I guess uh. Obsessive and invasive thoughts? Have you ever been to a race track? (horses) No. Are you good at braiding hair? Don't even know how to. Or are you into PETA and all that? They're too extreme. Have you ever hugged someone for over a minute? Yeah. Would you ever get a tattoo on your collar bone? I already have one, but I don't even want it anymore. I have ideas I like more for them. It's my ohana one, but that's not really a suitable one for me? Family via blood, you're an ass? I'm not associating with you. "Family" by intense friendship, that ends if someone turns into an asshole too. Probably gonna end up getting it covered. Do you check your texts right away when you receive them? Yeah. Is there one person you look at and automatically smile? Sara and Mark. No seriously, there will probably be at least a small one there. Do you wake up cranky? Rarely. I can be if someone wakes me up, though. I'm generally okay when I wake up naturally. Do you get offended if someone repeatedly checks their mobile phone when you’re out for lunch or dinner? Like non-stop, I'm not offended, I just think it's pretty rude. Who is your favorite character from Friends? Don't watch it. How would you deal with a significant other who cried all the time? Try my absolute best to help them. What is your favorite flavor of Monster? I hate that stuff. Tastes like poison. Have you ever ran from the police? No. Have you ever written on someone’s face in your yearbook? Ha ha yup. Do you have any trophies? Yeah, in "treasure boxes" as we call them for sure. Would you cheat on someone for revenge? Or if they wouldn’t find out? No, I hate that shit. So petty. Rate your self confidence: 1 being insecure and 10 being cocky: Like... two or three. Does your family have a secret? Not that I know of. When/where are you most likely to sing? In the car. Are you in shape or more out of shape? HA. Do you have sympathy for those who hurt you? I guess it depends. Do you spend too much time at home? I'm just about a hermit because I have *nowhere* to go. I don't hang out with people, don't have a car. It sure is fun. Do you require visual assistance (i.e.; glasses or contacts)? I have glasses. My vision is atrocious without it, right eye especially. Ever held a newborn animal? Kittens, yes. Have any unpleasant public transit stories to tell? No. Are you afraid of failure? Yep. Have you been called a bad influence? Only by Colleen's mom, that I know of. Apparently me hanging out at the house and talking to and helping his mother whenever she needed it as well as always smiling at him was just awful for Keegan. What about Chinese food? Love it or hate it? Not a fan. All I ever like are fried rice and eggrolls. Do you get stage fright? When I was a dancer, I really didn't. Now if I was alone, probably would. Any current family issues? When is there not at least slight issues. Nothing big, though. Who is the last friend you spent time with outside of school? She's not my friend anymore, but Colleen. I haven't hung out with a current friend in many, many months. Do you think that people have the power to make their own lives better? YES!!! Literally never forget this. What is the biggest problem in your life right now? Extreme loneliness. What is the last movie you watched all the way through? Slender Man. Have you ever had a friend with benefits? No. Do you feel like nobody understands you? The only two that I believe certainly do are Sara especially, but also Mom. What’re your plans for today? I have therapy at four, got a shitload to talk about, and after that I have to take my files there to vocational rehab. Maybe drive around to look for photograph opportunities if Mom's up for it. That's it. Do you have a common first name? Very. I'm thankful it's a name I actually like, though. Do you know anyone with a lazy eye? Knew someone. Do you like spicy chips? Omfg YES. What’s the last movie you watched at a friend’s house? *former friend, Shrek. Her son loves it so we watched it almost every time I was over and bitch no complaints. Do you have any tattoos on your arms? Two, then another if you count my shoulder. Do you own a tea pot? No. Can you remember your parents’ birthdays? Mom's. I remember it because mine's Feb. 5th, then all I need to know is August as hers is August 5th. I know Dad's is in April. Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed? Well we were right outside an airport.

#survey #quiz #questions #random

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kfawkes · 7 years

Note

Yo but “If I hear one more Mariah Carey song I will riot” ? please?

Okay lets try this again… so sorry I answered this originally like a fuckin ask like a NOOB ASS MOTHER FUCKER hahahaha. Well, after our brief chat I discovered you didn’t care WHO the prompt involved, but maybe Shakarian! SO I did some Normandy feels, *absolutely no plot* just some hangs on Christmas!!! :D (Gif found on google, credit to the owner)

“If I hear one more Mariah Carey song I will riot”

The apartment was loud, far too loud for Shepard’s tastes– but today she didn’t seem to mind all that much. She might have even liked it a little… the sounds of crew members mixing as one was both distracting and heart warming, yet almost left her with a bittersweet taste in her mouth.

She scanned her and Garrus’ space with eyes light and fond, each of her family members smiling, laughing and drinking the night away around her…

It wasn’t often she got to see everyone in one place. Not with Wrex’s obligations to Tuchanka, to Bakkura and to his people. Not with Tali off on Rannoch rebuilding with the geth… Not with everyone off living their own lives and no war to tie them to a ship.

It was hard to get everyone in one place after the Reaper War ended, but here they were on Christmas Eve… every single one of them, ugly sweaters and hats decorating their beautiful bodies in glorious fashion. And even though it had been over 6 years since they ended that war– when she scanned the familiar faces around her now it felt like no time had passed at all.

It was perfect, just perfect. Except for one tiny little thing…

The damn music.

You’d think being dead for over a hundred years would stop everyone from playing Mariah Carey over, and over, and over again… but no. It absolutely didn’t do a damn thing. Actually it seemed that she only grew more popular as the years went on, and it wasn’t just humans that loved her, it was almost the entire galactic community.

She was considered a Christmas Miracle, but Shepard… well, she never was a big fan of Christmas music.

“Yes! I love this one!” Tali exclaimed excitedly from the corner as she fumble with her emergency induction port. She was rather awkwardly trying to dance to ‘Santa Claus is Coming to Town’ alongside EDI and Joker who sort of just stood there pretending not to notice her enticing them.

“I swear if I have to hear ONE more Mariah Carey song I am going to riot.” Shepard complained only half seriously leaning into the long comforting arm that pulled her closer. She honestly couldn’t help but laugh and roll her eyes as she watch Tali, because it was pretty cute even though the song was terribly annoying…

“Awe, come on Shepard. It’s not that bad.” Garrus purred atop her head, his tone both understanding and a just a little antagonizing as he hold his lips to her momentarily. “Don’t you think we should join them? You’re so good at dancing.”

Jane pivoted her head sharply, burning daggers with her eyes. “Don’t. Even. Start, Vakarian.” she pointed a finger, a small smile creeping the corners of her mouth.

“What? You are… never seen a more graceful woman in my life.” this time when Garrus spoke he wasn’t even trying to hide his obvious teasing. He pulled his arms forward blocking her playful attacks at his side with mandibles lose and eyes light, clearly enjoying himself.

“You better watch it or you’ll be paying for it later…”

“Pretty sure you made that threat before, Shepard… Now that I think about it, I don’t think you ever made good on it either.” Garrus tilted his head, pulling a long taloned hand over his fringe so nonchalantly it was almost comical.

Just as she was about to really give it to him Tali had danced her way between them, throwing both her skinny arms over both Garrus and Shepard’s neck and pulling them close. “Have I,” she paused to hiccup. “told you ho–ow much… I loooooooove this,” pause. “song. It’s just soooooo–” beat, “good.”

And the second the song ended, another one of Carey’s famous jungles began blasting though the speakers as if to taunt her. Shepard groaned loudly into her hand, covering her eyes and pinching the bridge of her nose lightly. “Maybe I’ll just burn the place down instead…”

Tali didn’t seem to notice her idle threat though, and instead started pulling both of them towards the center of the room, head and hips moving almost in rhythm to the song.

“Blow it up maybe.” Shepard added rather pointedly to him, but Garrus only laughed, sliding his hand to her hips. “Big, bloody explosion…” he just kept ignoring her as he turned her in place forcing her hips to move to the beat. “No one would ever know it was me.”

“Uh, Shepard?”

“Yes honey?” She replied almost too sweetly.

“It’s Christmas…. Can you stop threatening to kill everyone?” He whispered to her ear, and after an eye roll and a begrudging scoff she nodded in agreement.

“Fine. But I still hate this song.”

#Mass Effect #Normandy #Shakarian #Commander Shepard #Mass Effect fanfic #prompts #ask #answered #fawkes talks

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noheroes-allowed · 5 years

Text

12/10

officially got rejected today. laid in bed finishing my 4740 project and my other group members don’t even know the amount of effort I put in. it’s fine though. they didn’t purposefully slack off or anything. I just have unusually high standards I suppose and can’t function in groups.

other news. today was the segc social. maya definitely likes keith. hahahahahahaa she literally got up halfway through and went to sit on the other side of the table to be next to him. this girl jesus. I sat next to her bc there was only one seat left and was like oh you’re maya right. which I only know from stalking her fb. and she was like yeah and you’re lucy right and went back to talking to mahdia lmao. I talked to chloe and sergio and xavier though. and it was a lot more fun than I thought it would be. we were talking so much that everyone else on the other side finished their food and we weren’t done at all. also when we were ordering it skipped all the way down to me without me knowing. and I was like wait what. and then the waitress came down and sergio was like wait what. and then spent so long picking his dinner. like she went and got everyone else’s. and came back and he still wasn’t ready. and then collected everyone’s menus and he finally settled on something. and when chloe came in the waitress came back and asked her. and she was also panicked. idk I think it’s funny how we all went through that. on our way out keith was like I felt so far away from you guys. directed mainly at xavier. and I was like you missed our game.

secret santa was also really cute. we went around and said clues for what we bought and I guessed phyllis bc she said decor. she got me the hanging picture thing. and a plant. when everyone went around via was like oh you’re holding the present in your hand. and phyllis was like no this plant is for me. but then she was like plot twist! this is for you. and I was the surprised pikachu meme. it was so cute. ahhhhhh. also like mahdia knew what I got her and I knew what phyllis got me bc we all made wishlists. but wow I did not expect to be so happy opening it. and I talked to mahdia after and she was so happy to get my gift too. gifts are so nice. so weird

when we were walking after dinner the group got split up. bc half of us was waiting for xavier. we saw a party bus on the way and jokingly said we should just say it was ours and get on. but then xavier was like no wait lemme ask if we can take a pic inside. and we did lmao. and then I was talking to keith going upstairs and I told him he missed it. he was wearing his athletic jacket from high school and idk if it was his jacket or what but his shoulders looked hella good today. fuuuuck. maybe I never paid attention but also maybe it was the jacket. when thomas said his gift was $40 and keith and I both mouthed 40 and looked at each other. I went to the bathroom and opened the door to him. lmao I’m lame but at least I know it.

we played the voting game and I got first in line for hell. which I love. lucy is short for lucifer. also people said I was mysterious. also that I would be from the future. also dhanush was like the funny thing is and said a spiel about trivia and then I was like wow that was so funny sarcastically and everyone laughed. making fun on dhanush is easy. damn I miss our invested team. on our way out dhanush was like lucy is wrecking me today but I know she has a soft spot for me. which is true in a way. like I wouldn’t make fun of him if I didn’t know him enough. but then I said sungjae was my favorite. he’s so unproblematic and soft.

I’m really glad I went today. sergio is cool. I wanna hang out with him more. chloe is cool too. I wanna be friends with them and xavier and sungjae and phyllis and thomas. he’s so funny. and keith oops. although I feel like I could actually really like phyllis and thomas and sergio. there was a post semester survey and I think I answered those three for the people I wanna get to know better. I didn’t put keith bc I didn’t wanna expose myself even though only the presidents probably see the survey. but now I genuinely have those three as my answers. and tbh anyone there today was chill. like why did I waste so much time. I could’ve like tried talking to people more. watch me next semester though forget this feeling. and have that irrational anxiety around these people again.

I’m happy I went. I’m happy I stayed even when a huge group of people left after secret santa. accidentally fell asleep and woke up at 6:40 and then stayed in bed for another 10 minutes debating if I should just not go. bc getting ready and walking would take 30 min and sometimes showing up late sucks more than not going at all. but I did it. I took a bus and was only 15 minutes late. I think it was a blessing in disguise when there was only one seat left and it was at xavier’s end. even though initially I was like oh keith is on the complete other end of the table. like in my row and furthest from me where I couldn’t even glance at him if I wanted to since he was too far to talk to. but it’s ok. sergio and chloe and xavier made up for it.

when we were leaving xavier was like lucy you should talk more during g-body. aw. I will try I guess. I hope so. also I need to go to secon next sem. bc I definitely missed out on bonding last year bc I didn’t go.

yesterday keith and I talked before class. and it was fun. he asked about my project and I asked about his. he said that apparently his guy thought they weren’t working on the project and sent an email like yeah this semester was a failure. apparently a bit nicer but still. I thought it was mean. and I asked him about his finals. and then this dude like heard him talking about public finance and interrupted. and then he was like wait sorry what was your question. cutie. I love when he turns around to talk to me. bc he could just talk to his friend sitting next to him but he turns around and talks to me and includes me in the conversation sometimes even when I don’t even really know his friend. he asked me what I’m doing next summer. and oof. I was like don’t ask me that question. he asked me if I was doing anything over break. he’s going to florida to visit family. I’m getting my wisdom teeth out. he did it summer after freshman year. his friend is gonna be in sab fran. I said I had family there and visited last summer. we talked about the masters presentations. and I said one of them was sloppy and kind of annoying. I asked him when his last day was. his last final might be the 17th but I don’t remember. I said mine was the 16th but I’m leaving the 21st. and he was like oh that’ll be a chill few days then. but I’m picking up shifts for work. oh that’ll be a profitable few days then. I asked if he was gonna be on my project team next sem. and he was like will you have a good project. but it would be fun. more fun than the other ones. I do not know for sure if I heard the last part right but if he did. damn son

also I felt bad when I walked in late and they were like lucy! and I saw keith turn a little to wave at me but I was like too anxious and trying to figure out where to go and didn’t like say hi to him. sad. I asked him yesterday if he was going today. he said he was going to dinner but had to leave kinda early afterwards. he said he wanted to sleep. which sad. why didn’t he stay longer. I wish he was there for the voting game.

hahahaha last semester I wanted to ask keith to go to an apo fellowship with me. but I didn’t wanna expose myself. but it’s the end of the semester again and I wanna hang out with him again. oof this time I don’t even have anything to ask him to do with me. I just wanna hang out and eat lunch or something

#sergio’s meat #i fucking died #remarks #update: i am dumb and shoudlve stalked her ig instead

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christenpressing · 7 years

Text

91 Question Tag

thanks to @vanillabeanniall and @selkatha for tagging me :)

THE LAST –   1. Drink: Water 

2. Phone call: my friend Sarah who happens to call me randomly like everyday

3. Text message: my sister- “yep” in response to my mom asking if we were okay

4. Song I listened to: Sledgehammer by Fifth Harmony (always a bop)

5. Time you cried: last monday

HAVE YOU EVER –  6. Dated someone twice: kind of?

7. Been cheated on: i mean not technically but my ex did flirt with someone else while we were together

8. Kissed someone and regretted it: i just don’t like spin the bottle

9. Lost someone special: yeahhh

10. Been depressed: ohhhhh boyyyyyyyy

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: nope

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS –  12. pastel pink

13. lavender

14. darker shades of red

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU –  15. Made new friends: oh for sure. they’re super great and nice and i love and support them

16. Fallen out of love: never love

17. Laughed until you cried: one time in history class and bunch of my friends and i just watched a bunch of marching band fails and i died

18. Found out someone was talking about you: hahahaha yes

19. Met someone who changed you: yeah, a couple people 

20. Found out who your true friends were: i believe so

MORE –   21. Kissed someone on your facebook? nope

22. How many of your facebook friends do you know in real life? a lot

23. Do you have any pets? three golden retriever rescues (comet, cinnamon, london) & four horses (scooter, eli, benny, calvin) & two betta fish (circe, rhea)

24. Do you want to change your name? i dont think so

25. What did you do on your last birthday? i went to this really nice italian restaurant with my family cause my grandma’s birthday is like right after mine so we did a combined thing

26. What time did you wake up? 10:30 which is like the first time i’ve gotten to sleep in this summer

27. What were you doing at midnight? watching phineas and ferb

28. Name something you can’t wait for: to go to north carolina to see my girlfriend and for my best friend to come home

29. When was the last time you saw your mother? yesterday 

30. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life? i wish my girlfriend could live in my town

31. What are you listening to right now? my fan

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? yep

33. Something that is getting on your nerves? my mother trying to dictate my own relationship????

34. Most visited site: tumblr lmao

SCHOOL –   35. Elementary: okay heres the thing i went to a private school for a long time and skipped 3rd grade BUT THEN when i transferred to public school i had to do 4th grade over again so i was with people my age again BUT THE JOKES ON THEM cause i knew everything and i was the smartest kid in the class

36. Middle: 6th grade was a nightmare i try to forget about but we did a 180 in 7th grade and i was popular (probably cause of my track career which lasted all of one year) and then 8th grade was a mess and i thought i was bi but i was actually gay so theres that

37. High: so far so good except for some drama last year but thats over with and im ready to embrace the junior year death this year (bonus: im playing soccer this year and im so out of shape lmao)

38. College: i really want to go to school up in the portland area but who knows??? major in english/education so i can be an english&creative writing teacher who also writes on their own time on the side

ME –   39. Hair color: brownnn but i have natural highlights so thats neat

40. Long or short hair? its long rn but imma cut it soon

41. Do you have a crush on someone? my girlfriend i guess?

42. What do you like about yourself? i ride horses really well and i never give up on things and im passionate at what i do

43. Piercings? just my ears

44. Blood type: who tf knows

45. Nickname: jules is a common one 

46. Relationship status: taken by the greatest girl ever

47. Zodiac sign: capricorn

48. Pronouns: she/her

49. Favorite TV show(s): phineas and ferb, supergirl, pretty little liars (rip), girl meets world, miraculous ladybug (oops), b99

50. Tattoos: not yet but one day!!

51. Right, ambidextrous, or left-handed? right

FIRST –   52. Surgery: i had one on my pelvis in 2013? i think

53. Piercing: ears

54. Sport: i mean i’ve been around horses my whole life but didn’t start seriously riding till after i started soccer

55. Vacation: god idk i don’t even remember the first time i was on a plane. maybe disney world?

56. Pair of trainers: i dont know????

CURRENT –   57. Eating: nothing 

58. Drinking: nothing 

59. I’m about to: finish these questions

60. Listening to: my fan

FUTURE –   61. Waiting for: my girlfriend and i to be in the same area for once

62. Want: a successful career and a wonderful wife and daughter 

63. Married: oh for sure

64. Career: teacher

YOUR TYPE –   65. Hugs or kisses? depends on my mood

66. Lips or eyes? i think you can tell a lot about someone from their eyes

67. Shorter or taller? taller cause it makes me feel more safe i think

68. Older or younger? probably older but i’m good with both

69. Nice arms or nice stomach? both are wonderful

70. Sensitive or loud? i cannot STAND loud people 

71. Hook-up or relationship? relationship definitely

72. Troublemaker or hesitant? hesitant i am literally the most timid person on earth

73. Kissed a stranger? nope 

74. Drank hard liquor? nope 

75. Lost contact lenses/glasses? i dont have either 

76. Turned someone down? okay okay okay sooooo i may or may not have initially turned down my current girlfriend but i quickly changed my mind and now here we are

77. Sex on first date? depends how well you know the person

78. Broken someone’s heart? i wouldn’t say thattt but you’d have to ask my girlfriend

79. Had your heart broken? no thank god

80. Been arrested? i am a child of god

81. Cried when someone died? when i was at nationals in 2014 a horse got so freaked out when they were putting roses (the prize for winning) on him that he reared up and flipped over himself with the rider still on him (somehow she managed not to get crushed) but the horse snapped his neck once he hit the ground and died instantly and it was so awful to see and i cried for at least an hour and im still scarred

82. Fallen for a friend? a couple times

DO YOU BELIEVE IN –   83. Yourself? not reallyyy

84. Miracles? listen a couple happened to me last week

85. Love at first sight? i dont think so

86. Santa Claus? no 

87. Kiss on first date? oh yes

88. Angels? nah

OTHER –   89. Current best friend’s name: vasi

90. Eye color: brown 

91. Favorite movie: aladdin, jurassic world, the lego batman movie, beauty and the beast

i tag @kellexohara @spnife @atypicaltomato cause you guys are nerds

#tags #thanks guys i like these

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toffeen · 7 years

Text

92 questions~!

Thanks to the one and only @h-y-p-h-e-n-d-o-t-s for tagging me! <3

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people.

I don’t think I’ll tag 20 persons but ok, let’s do this!

LAST…

Drink: Chocolate Milk.

Phone call: Uhm... *checks call history* Mom, to tell her that my bus was like 15 mins far from the city we live in.

Text message: The folks that were with me in the year of the S.S.

Song you listened to: Right now I’m listening a song in spanish and since it’s about to end I’ll put it here. It’s called “Si la ves”, the live version that Franco de Vita and Reyli Barba sang together. I really like the lyrics, tho.

Time you cried: I’ve been crying since Thursday bc manga stories make me cry.

HAVE YOU…

Dated someone twice: Nope.

Kissed someone and regretted it: Yes.

Been cheated on: Hmm... kinda? We weren’t dating and we never dated, but on the day he told that he wanted to date me, he started going out with his ex-girlfriend (without me knowing).

I was about to answer yes to him, but I run away that day because a lot of people were watching us (Irl, I’m too shy), besides I had to go home early that day. On our way back home, a friend told me that she caught him talking about how he wanted to date two persons at the same time.

Lost someone special: *sighs* ... yeah.

Been depressed: *sighs again* ... yep, but I have to say that after a big fall I had a few years ago, a lot of good changes came!!

Gotten drunk and thrown up: ... I’m guilty. That’s why, kids, if somebody tells you to wait for a song to come up in a karaoke while drinking vodka, say no.

Spoiler: The freaking song we asked for in the karaoke never appeared!!!

Made new friends: Yes.

Fallen out of love: Whenever the other person starts with a bullsh*t attitude, yes of course.

Laughed until you cried: When I’m with my friends this happens a lot.

Found out someone was talking about you: More than once but I have to say that I’m the kind of person who will take revenge if I have to. I have to learn to stand out and defend myself.

Met someone who changed you: My friends, yes. I’m more open-minded thanks to them.

Found out who your friends are: For better or for worse? For both: yes.

Kissed someone from your Facebook list: Yes.

Kissed a stranger: Ahaha... haha... yes.

Drank hard liquor: Yes.

Lost glasses/contact lenses: Only for a few minutes, I never forgot them at somebody else’s home or school because I couldn’t see without them. Now that I had the surgery, I don’t need them anymore (for now).

Turned someone down: Yes.

Sex on the first date: I never had a “real” date before.

Broken someone’s heart: I think that the answer is yes.

Had your heart broken: Yes... happens a lot, actually.

Been arrested: No.

Cried when someone died: I lost two close family members a few years ago.

I remember that one day before my grandma died, she talked to me over the phone and at one moment the line was silent. None of us spoke for a minute or more before we said our goodbyes. The next day, when I picked up the phone and I heard my mom crying I knew she was gone.

Now that I think about it, I guess that in the moment when we didn’t speak, she was saying her farewell to me.

Fallen for a friend: Yes, a lot of times.

Kissed on the first date: I kissed somebody when I met him the first time, but I was a bit drunk and it wasn’t a date, lmao.

GENERAL

List 3 favorite colors: Blue, Black... and I don’t know.

How many Facebook friends do you know in real life: At least, half of them.

Do you have any pets: Yes! Three doggos, but now there are four dogs here bc we are taking care of my cousin’s bf pet.

Do you want to change your name: I thought about this one for a loooong time bc it was awful when other three kiddos in your classroom had the same name as you.

What time did you wake up: I guess at 9 am.

What were you watching at midnight last night: ... how do you know this? lmao. I was watching “Orange” and I still have three episodes left!

Name something you can’t wait for: ... Monday. I think that something big is going to happen in that day.

When was the last time you saw your mom: Like... 5 minutes ago?

What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: My six years of elementary school. Worst years EVER.

What are you listening to right now: Again it’s music. Burn it down by Linkin Park.

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: If we are talking about 707′s friend Tom, then yes xDD (from Mystic Messenger).

Something that is getting on your nerves right now: Idk.

Most visited website: Tumblr, Facebook, Youtube.

Mole/s: Mo... what?

Mark/s: A bite scar?

Childhood dream: I just wanted to help my family out because our financial situation wasn’t the best. Thank to the heavens, life is better now.

Do you have a crush on someone: No.

What do you like about yourself: That I always try to be better than I was before, my wrists and lips.

Piercings: No.

Blood type: O ... I can’t remember if positive or negative. I think it’s the last one.

Nickname: A lot of people call me Frappe/Frapp. Others Nara or Ann.

Relationship status: Single af.

Zodiac: Scorpio.

Pronouns: She/Her.

Favorite TV show: I don’t know, they always change.

Tattoos: None.

Right or left hand: Right, only when I broke my arm it’s when I tried to write with my left hand.

Surgery: My eye surgery?

Hair dyed in different color: Kinda... the colors weren’t so different from my natural one.

Sport: Ballet for a few years.

Vacation: Weeks ago, I went to Cancun. Now I think that my family it’s planning a trip to the capital to visit some relatives.

Pair of trainers: They are comfy.

Current and all-time best friend name: Ale.

Eye color: Your typical brown, lel.

Favorite movie: Pride and Prejudice from 2005.

WHICH IS BETTER?

Hugs or kisses: I can’t complain, I like both.

Lips or eyes: Both.

Shorter or taller: Taller.

Nice arms or stomach: Nice arms all the way.

Sensitive or loud: Sensitive.

Hook up or relationship: Ehm....

Troublemaker or hesitant: Hesitant.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN…

Yourself: ... let’s go to the next question, lmao. orz

Miracles: Kinda.

Love at first sight: HAHAHAHA... no.

Santa Claus: No.

I’m tagging @pups-art @ironic-comicsans @clo--uds @therfasquad aand... if somebody wants to do this, please feel free to do it!!

#If you want me to erase your tag you can also tell me #ask games #btw thanks for tagging me!!#Frappe answers

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hgfstreamchats · 5 years

Text

Christmas Eve Eve Stream

Hello! Somehow it seems very recent that we last watched the Futurama one. It does, doesn't it? But it's tradition and it gives people time to funnel in if they're funnelling. Video works, sound works! It's a Christmas miracle! Relaxing! R E L A X I N G. That dog's face You never know what you're going to get with these compilations and I appreciate that this one seems to be mostly screaming. ...Are those your discord notifications or mine Fixed. Comes with the emulator. hahahha Ahhh Ditto. Hi everyone, merry pre christmas Hello! Been a while Merry pending Christmas! 👀 OH BOY

oh That's not even blue My god Hmm. HMMM. I like the one that's on fire. sorry about that, I keep coming and going Not to worry! Yikes Very. Bring back the backwards talking demon cake. And this is from two years ago DEmon Santa returns It's not Christmas until he makes an appearance. Apologies for any typos, the text antry box is below the bottom of the screen so this is a total guess Bender why. Is this how Megatron used to give out mission assignments, I wonder? That is *exactly* how he used to give out assignments. This whole episode brings back memories of the last days of the war and that's why we all watch it despite having it memorized. I think it is naughtier to not pay your protection money Rackets need to eat too! Pictured: physics, probably Never drown yourselves with rye Always demand proper scotch preferably from Islay Honestly, what did they expect ...Who arrested the devil, though short shorts need no explantion you know who else dreamed of a red xmas? Stalin. Think about that. little old political joke there Ew. Heheheheh My favorite bit. the best Alright, onto new material! I've never seen this before, but I hear it's attrocious. Oh boy! ooh rankin bass, these are always the weirdest things "Because he's dead!" Starring anemic children and parents who may or may not be siblings. probaly shouldnt have sent those letters cash on delivery did mid 20thC america have severe vermin problem? all these mouse things... That town is riddled with hantavirus. this guy is about to pitch a monorail Ha~ Hah! i love democracy This guy's going to run off with all the money. I would. Oh jeez But Ugh. I mean no, just no This IS one of those universes where santa is real and gives everyone presents, right? Presents that mysteriously appear every christmas? i thought evidence led treatment was the best medicine? Real and a petty, childish tyrant -- oh by the Allspark, he's Primus. Whoop. monorail, monorail, monorail Please, if I make any more of a sarcastic jerking off gesture I'll sprain something keep him out This is dreadful. "winter came" sorry when WAS the beginning of this Why is everyone starving now, does Santa also bring them food i feel no empathy for the antiscience mice this is what happens when you move to happy thought based economy Santa brings them food, heat, light, and all he asks is unflinching devotion and a yearly sacrifice via wicker man. Hah! Oh right, it's just them that's starving, because nobody's giving him business Please don't widdle. That family tree does not branch. "Santa's angry because you all widdled too much." i think it loops hahahah soooo, put down more mousetraps? this makes less sense than why santa was banned from narnia This is the most messed-up santa I've ever seen uh, he's smoking? indoors? "Santa" spends the rest of the year underneath the bridge. this santa looks to be both drunk and on meth Well, a red nose IS a sign of alcoholism It would explain so much. Alright, just working out some technical difficulties with RiffTrax... tis the season for technical issues There it is! But first... Can't forget our other holiday tradition! Oh boy THIS Rhyming remember with remember. How dare. what pod people are those kids? I can't tear my eyes away from that bow. There's the drugged, kidnapped children! Here we go! Hooray! "Spunky" Awww he made the joke before we could Hhahaha That owl is possessed Owls... They're all possessed. all owls are Wait isn't Santa's whole deal that he delivers the presents himself did you read the news story at the weekend about the family who found an owl in their christmas tree when it was in their living room? No, but my condolences to their surviving loved ones. that is why i have an artificial tree this year has been light on owl news, clearly they are plotting something big it is dumbledore where is Snape when you need him? Did. Did the animals want a christmas tree They live in a forest Hooverville That's a weirdly flat hammer toys for budding psychopaths Breakdown says he can see the appeal. The decapitation game "A real KNOCKOUT" ... "A real--", haha. The emotions are conflicting. still more impressive than the current royal navy fleet roster ... That certainly is...something? ?? fifty shades of grey, the game Not An Orgy more from meth santa? It's tonight's theme. america really loved the great depression, didn't it gaaaah That mouth animation i think i preferred the mouse's meth santa is santa going to eat him? Absolutely. That's a predator's mouth. hooo boy Normal dog mouths with normal dog teeth is this cartoon really happening or am i having a bad acid flashback? Oh, it's happening. it is the live action nightmare before christmas This certainly is Christmasy. Pffff Oh no! haunted! lucifer looks better after he is replaced by Tom Ellis hahahah Don't break into people's houses, kids. who is afraid of a little felony house breaking? one of those kids will betried as an adult, lets guess which There it is. Pffff head injuries which cause alterations of sensory states always need brain scans Huh. "a secret compartment for POISON" this Harry Potter prequel needs work, but at least doesn't star Jonny Depp Hah! "okay, let me write this down" "not telling you which kind I am tho" I'm serious though, if you get a head injury and start seeing colours or hallucinating witches, get a brain scan asap even if it is only transitory oh god yes you are hallucinating, kid. see a doctor! Okay that does not seem like an appropriate habitat This all has so little to do with Christmas. https://external-preview.redd.it/uzUWdKH11awsRkfQFArl8KhcKQC5XiMMZrMYtMXxZG0.jpg?auto=webp&s=929d814cd06688484059aff9629a617d842b8da4 brain trauma and animal abuse, truly the real meaning of christmas uh or rather http://i.imgur.com/DFqlhuz.jpg Aladdin rubbing his lamp is just a metaphor for masturbation I bet his parents won't have any questions about the new tree in their yard whereas a kid playing hide the turtle and planting his ring seed is.... I have no idea. That's not really how mowing works. I miss when this movie was about bolgna and meatloaf, and made sense Those were good tims. *times What is he even doing she' s calling a divorce lawyer, right? Was he... not looking where he was going? And people got paid to write and make this too This scene feels like it's been going on for years. So he just has a grudge against this tree because he ran into it like a dumbass, right I can't remember when this scene wasn't happening this family is really half assing their christmas GAH! WELP did he just say "enter you" seriously kid, get a brain scan hahahah So... his dad's going to come back and find a tree already there "hey, THESE aren't our decorations" you are a nightmare made real I would have fragged this tree at a certain stage in my life. kid uh you really wanna be a tree ...Stages. It's the voice, isn't it. if you ddon't get that brain scan kid, you'll end up being a plant for life That and I have a thing for haughty, awful Seekers. It is. yes kid, go towards the light Yikes when does he turn someone into a jack in the box? what is going on? murder suicide? hahahah "Uh, no further questions" wish for infinite wishes, duh He... wants Santa for his very own Kid No ...Oh. Well. could they not have hired an actor with a real beard? Uh "belong to" He could have just wished directly for whatever dumb toys okaaaaay that was genuinely disturbing there stroking the gun like that Yeah ....What. What. what the? UH??? UGH, HE'S SQUATTING. So... if it's morning... wouldn't his parents have gotten up and found Santa trapped in that chair Wow. Ha santa might forgive him, but i will never forgive the director Agreed. I feel like I could have made a much better job of three wishes. Oh so it was alllllll a dreeeeaaaaam see, I said he he had a brain injury get a brain scan, now though I'm sure you would. continued hallucinations and altered sensory perceptions... this kid is bleeding into his brain Ha! Oh boy Hahahaha was this guy on the epstien jet too? OHH That face Killer?? And one more for the road! Pfffff A classic. timeless classic And that's all I've got! okay, well it has been an experience as always thank you and merry christmas to our host And an exceedingly merry Christmas to you as well! Thanks for hosting! and I guess i'll see you all again next christmas too Season's greasons :) bye all and to all a goodnight Good night!

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japanheart88-blog · 6 years

Text

Elf'd Up

We welcomed our mischievous little elf into our home about 6 years ago. Over the last six years, I've realized this little trickster sure is the cause for quite a bit of controversy.

You either:

A) Hate the elf and keep him far away from you and your family.

B) Think he's too creepy for Christmas

C) Feel like it's cruel to tell your kids the elf is watching them I mean, after all, they should want to behave on their own merit, right?! If you're using him as leverage, you're doing something wrong as a parent, right?!

D) Want to punch all the "bored moms with nothing better to do" in the throat for going to such elaborate lengths to position the elf in such ways that make you feel like a slacker

E) Have feelings about the elf that can only be explained through expletives

F) Love the idea, but not the trickery...ain't nobdy got time to stage the elf and pick up his mess

OR...

G) You're all about getting elf'd up...bring on the creepy faced little nugget and all his elf'in shenanigans :)

Let me just tell you that I've pretty much experienced all of the above.

For the last few years, I fall into category G. I am that "bored" mom with "nothing better to do" than place my little elf into mischievous situations every (ahem...ALMOST every) night before I go to bed.

And I do it for two simple reasons...

These two :)

They get SUCH a kick out of the elf. They anxiously wake up every morning and scour the house for his hiding places. They can't wait to see what crazy thing he does next. Sometimes our elf doesn't move and the boys typically assume he's too tired to fly. We try not to make a huge deal about it. Our elf is for FUN. He's become one of our favorite Christmas "traditions" can I count him as a tradition?!?!?

He doesn't go back to Santa and report...he just flies back to the North Pole to rest and give Santa hugs, drink syrup, and play reindeer games. And when the holiday crazies set in, I'm not ashamed to admit that I use him as leverage..."do y'all think y'all should do that?! Y'all don't want Elfabet to tell Santa tonight, do you?!" ...but those times are few and far between. Not because they're angels...lawd, no. But we've always wanted him to be just something fun...and magical... for the boys. He really does make our holidays extra magical. Just one of the fun little things for my boys to add to their Christmas memories :)

Our elf's name is ELFABET. My oldest named him when he first arrived at our house. That's a teacher's kid for ya ;) Here are a few things he's done over the years. Maybe he'll give you some new ideas?!?! Or prove how bored I really am?!?! Or maybe you just want to punch him in the throat.

Elfabet arrives every December 1st and brings the boys breakfast, random trinkets, and pajamas straight from the North Pole (aka: North Pole Breakfast).

You can check out this years breakfast HERE.

Below are the elf ideas I shared with you last year, but before you get to those I wanted to share what he's been up to in the few days he's been here this year :)

Snap, crackle.....ELF?! (I found this one to be particulary creepy, but funny nonetheless)

A little game of Pie Face for the win. I used Cortizone cream for the whipped cream so that I wouldn't wake up to a milky mess come morning. The boys always wake up before we do and there's no way I was going to wake up early to stage this one.

It took the boys forever to find the elf in the fridge. In fact, they woke up at 6:30, scoured the house, and said they figured he was too tired to fly back to our house so they gave up. It wasn't until we woke up and went to the fridge for breakfast stuff that we alerted them to his hiding spot. Haha.

And yes...Elfabet needs a bath. In a bad, bad way. How disgustingly dirty is his hat?! Gross.

This right here is the boy's all time favorite . They still talk about it to this day!

Elfabet got a hold of my phone and went around the house snapping elfie selfies with all of us sleeping. He left the boys a note (and some cookies) telling them to look through the camera roll. If you could've heard their laughs this morning, ohmiword. Best alarm ever. They were in hysterics! He even changed the wallpaper on my phone! Sneaky son of a gun.

This is what he got into last year that had the boys in stitches...

Left to right:

He packed the boys a nutritious lunch full of syrup, chocolate syrup, icing, sprinkles, and junk food. All the essentials for a delicious meal. And one night he couldn't quite make it to the bathroom in time so he left a little mess on our coffee table. SO disgusting and so hilarious all in the same breath. I live in a house full of boys and the potty humor even makes me laugh :)

And finally there was one night he decided to help himself to some cookies, but he realized how awful those tasted and left a note for the boys letting them know he didn't like them at all. Silly Elfabet! Dog biscuits are for DOGS!! Hahahaha

1. Elfabet always arrives with a North Pole breakfast. He brings Christmas socks, Christmas jammies, a Christmas book, and a Christmas movie. And candy canes, too :) The menu always consists of hot chocolate and snow covered donuts.

2. He got into mommy's jingle juice.

3. Drinking syrup in the pantry...after all, it's one of the 4 main food groups :)

4. He turned the milk green...and my husband refused to drink it (and we wonder why my oldest is so picky?!?! ;))

5. He rode a reindeer into town and didn't want to get off.

6. He loves sugar and processed food as much as we do!

7. Bless. He's stuck outside!!!

8. Reading to his Smurfs. Smart little fella.

9. He strung a clothesline from the Christmas tree to the drapes. Then he hung up the boys underwear and himself...upside down! This was one of their favorites!

10. Drawing a picture of he and the boys. Ha.

11. Drawing faces on the boys in their Santa picture. This is the one that scarred my youngest...FREAKED him right the heck out. He pretty much screamed...then cried...and the picture came down. This is when I was feeling like option E above.

12. Wrapped the tree with toilet paper. I felt like option F and decided this wouldn't be something we do again...once was enough :)

13. Elfabet is a big fan of The Office, so he made himself a bowl of marshmallows and some hot cocoa while he watched.

14. "The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear."...singing while wrapped up in Christmas sheet music. See what I did there?!

15. Taking a bath in a sink full of marshmallows. When I woke up, my boys were helping themselves to a few for breakfast.

16. Stuck under a glass in our cabinets. He stayed there for a couple of days.

17. The boys were worried he wouldn't follow us to Indiana for Christmas, so he wrote them a letter telling them he'd be there. Reassurance :)

18. Another ride on the reindeer...he likes riding in style.

19. Watching "Elf" under the covers :)

20. He got into the leftover Halloween candy...and then we had to throw it all away thanks, Elfabet!

21. He made a shoe mountain and climbed to the top.

22. Fishing for goldfish in the potty. With a candy cane. Landon's personal favorite.

23. Made himself a little TP hammock in between the boys' stockings.

24. Coloring a little something special for the boys.

25. It was a particularly rough day at school for me, so Elfabet hopped in a cop car and pulled over a school bus :)

26. Even Elfabet knows the real reason for the season. He stayed here for a few days, too.

27. A marshmallow message to remind the boys why we celebrate Christmas.

28. Ziplining on tulle right for the tree.

29. He hung the boys undies on the tree. They laughed like crazy, and then they were all, "are you gonna take those down before people come over?!?!?!" Ha.

30. He was tired of coming up with ideas, so he hung upside down from the chandelier.

31. Telling Santa what the boys want for Christmas.

32. He hung the boys Christmas pajama pants from the stocking holders. This was the year the boys would walk by the display and run their hands along the pants. Then the stocking holders fell over and all broke. That was a last for that idea. feeling like option E again...dang elf!!!!

33. Okay. This one was a family favorite. We all laughed pretty hard. Elfabet stuffed himself inside of a roll of toilet paper and rolled down the stairs. Hahahaha.

34. He set out the M&M's for our Christmas cookies and decided to eat a few, too.

35. See boys, it IS cool to do chores!!!!! However, please don't use Soft Scrub on my mirrors.

35. A little Christmas camouflage.

36. Reading under the Christmas tree. We recycled quite few ideas :)

37. Sack races with the other stuffed animals!

38. I don't even know where to go with this one. Mr. SPouse was all, "why would a Purdue guy do that to Elfabet???" Ha.

39. Instead of hanging from the chandelier, he hung from a wreath and dropped down a line of candy canes.

40. A little underwear swingin' next to the Christmas cards.

41. Elfabet likes chalk art, too!

If these ideas are lame, head on over to my Elf'd Up Pinterest board and see what I've been pinning over there! A few new...and pretty darn funny...ideas!!

Source: http://pearls-handcuffs-happyhour.blogspot.com/2016/12/elfd-up.html

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