#annoying bruce is the only valid pastime

[thisiswhereikeepdcthings]

Bruce: So, when you and Jason eventually get married-

Roy: We’re not dating?

Bruce:

Bruce: When the two of you get married, how likely do you think it is that you will change your last name to Wayne?

Roy: Jay doesn’t even use Wayne.

Bruce: *prolonged sigh*

Bruce: Yes, but have you considered how much it will annoy Ollie?

Roy:

Roy: Go on…

[abyssal-ali]

Should I rank the Bats (my opinions) of craziness/ Chaos Gremlin™️ behaviour? There will be categories (property damage, Bruce's headaches, lawsuits caused, etc)

[thisiswhereikeepdcthings]

Christmas Wishlist

Damian: So, what are you getting me for Christmas?

Jason: Nice try, brat.

Jason: Actually, no, terrible try. What was that? Where’s the subtly? The cunning?

Damian: *shrugs*

Later

Steph: Just out of curiosity, were you expecting that to work? At all?

Damian: Not really, no.

Steph: Then why bother?

Damian: It’s all part of my plan.

Steph:

Damian:

Steph: Are you going to expound on that, or…

Later that week

Oracle: Robin, there’s a burglary taking place on 5th and Jefferson.

Nightwing: I’ll be there in like three minutes, Robin, just wait for me.

Robin: I have it handled.

Red Robin: Just wait for Nightwing, you dummy.

Robin: Unnecessary.

Spoiler: You’re going to make Nightwing sad.

Oracle: Or you’ll get hurt.

Spoiler: Yeah, or that.

Robin: Tt. I’ll be fine. “He will win who knows when to fight and when to fight harder.”

Red Hood: That is NOT how that quote goes.

Everyone:

Oracle: Hood, I thought you were in California this week.

Red Hood: I felt an insult to humanity preparing to take form.

More later

Cass: Did you tell Jason what you wanted for Christmas yet?

Damian: I’m working on it.

Several days after that

Tim: Why are you in my room?

Damian: You left the window open.

Tim:

Damian: The philosophers are very clear on what to do there.

Tim:

Damian, a little louder: When your enemy leaves their WINDOW open.

Tim: And are you achieving what you are hoping to achieve right now?

Damian: Unclear.

Tim: You know, you could always write a letter to Santa like a normal kid.

Damian: Absolutely not.

Tim: Yeah… Probably for the best, actually, considering past dealings and all…

Christmas Morning

Damian, opening his gift:

Dick: What’d Jason give you?

Damian: *proudly holds up a signed copy of The Art of War*

Tim: Okay, that’s got to be fake, right?

Everyone: *looks at Jason*

Jason, shrugging: The Flashes owed me a favor.

Bruce, eye twitching slightly: Do I have to send the time travel safety presentation out to everyone again?

Jason: Don’t worry, they already fixed the parts of the timeline they broke.

Bruce: *very lengthy sigh*

Damian: Thank you, Jason.

Jason: You’re welcome.

Jason: Now there will be no more murdering of quotes. You have no excuses.

Later

Damian: My plan worked.

Steph: And just asking was too hard because…

Damian: What’s the point of that? Where’s the cunning? The subtly?

[thisiswhereikeepdcthings]

Duke, talking to Steph: So he's prime Blorbo material.

Steph, nodding: So skrunkly.

Bruce, passing by: What does that mean?

Duke: Skrunkly?

Bruce: No, the other one.

Steph: Oh, a Blorbo is like. A character that you really like and will defend to your last breath no matter what they've done.

Duke: They're like your special little boy.

Bruce: Hmm.

*later*

Bruce: You're my Blorbo, Jason.

Jason: Alright, who the fuck taught you that?

Cue Steph cackling in the background

[thisiswhereikeepdcthings]

Steph: Look, I need a co-signer for my lease and I’d really rather not ask Bruce, ya know what I mean?

Ra’s al Ghul:

Ra’s al Ghul: How much will it cost for you to just go away?

Later

Bruce, concerned: Stephanie, why did Ra’s al Ghul just sign over an apartment complex into your name?

Steph: *sighs*

Steph: I would have gladly just taken the money for rent.

Bruce: That does nothing to answer my question.

Jason, appearing from somewhere: He’s trying to bribe her to stay away.

Bruce:

Jason: It’s a time-honored tradition.

Bruce: Does it work?

Jason: *snorts* Not at all.

Bruce: Steph, I would have gladly paid your rent. Or co-signed your lease. Or bought the building.

Steph: Oh no, I wouldn’t ask that of you. Ever. Truly.

Bruce: So instead you decided to extort Ra’s al Ghul?

Tim and Damian: *poke their heads in*

Tim: Did I hear someone say we’re extorting Ra’s again?

Bruce: *deep sigh*

Damian, peering over Bruce’s shoulder to look at the deed transfer: Not bad for your first time, Brown.

Steph: Thanks, Dami.

Tim and Jason: *both give a big thumbs up*

[thisiswhereikeepdcthings]

Contemplating this post, and that got me thinking

What if Bruce and Oliver’s petty rivalry of pettiness resulted in them recruiting each other’s children for the cause.

Bruce offers Roy a chance to annoy Ollie. Roy: say no more.

Oliver is brainstorming ways of annoying bruce back. Jason shows up unannounced with vodka and a fifteen page bullet point list of ideas.

Bruce and Oliver are both individually enjoying being able to recruit the others’ child into their schemes carefully constructed plans

Except then all of a sudden Jason and Roy are getting married and when did that happen and oh no this was not in the ten year plan and why is Diana laughing at them?

[thisiswhereikeepdcthings]

Ok, ok, but, hear me out, Jason Todd is known for being the one that reads the most right? He is, as far as fanon and canon can agree, a sophisticated literature enthusiast, right?

So... why is he such a foulmouthed rude a-hole?

My theory? He does it because it's the most effortless way to be annoying that he has found. I mean, I imagine that Jason, truly wanting to be aggravating, is a cursing spewing machine only because the whole family is AWARE that he could spout burns more aggravating than Cyrano de Bergerac.

Jason could be the Poet of Profanity, the Champion of the Euphemism, if only he wasn't purposefully vexatious.

But the title of Champion Annoyance sounded more fun so he went with that

[thisiswhereikeepdcthings]

Tim: Hey wanna help me piss off B? He told me that I wasn't allowed to-

Jason: I'm already suited up, let's go be disappointments together.

(It's brotherly bonding. At least that's what they'll tell Bruce when he asks about why half of Arkham is in full-body casts and the sewers are literally on fire)

Steph is taking pictures.

Damian is taking notes.

Bruce is ineffectively attempting to discourage both those activities.

[thisiswhereikeepdcthings]

Bruce and Selina getting married, how do the chaos gremlins relate to her and does she join in the annoying Batman crew (she’s the founding member but that’s another ask)

She has so, so many stories. And she’s happy to share

[abyssal-ali]

Okay! By popular demand, I have completed my rankings of the Bats' Chaos Gremlin™️-Ness.

This is only for civilians, I may do another for their Bat-sonas if this is well-liked. (This is very fanon-y; if you don't like it, tell me why or ignore it)

Feel free to ask for my reasoning (half has some logic and half is straight up vibes) or add your own takes or rankings, or just yell at me for my wrong opinions:)

Most Lawsuits Caused:

Dick, Damian (they were both gremlins when they arrived, don't @ me on this)

Jason➡️Tim➡️Cass➡️Steph➡️Duke➡️Babs

Cause of the Most Headaches (Bruce only, there may be a separate list for other DC characters later)

Steph (feat. the Cache of Bricks), Jason "that's not how my teacher does it" Todd

Damian➡️Duke➡️Cass➡️Dick➡️Tim➡️Babs

Destroyer(s) of the Most Property:

Duke, Dick, Jason

TimSteph➡️Cass-ian➡️Babs

Destroyer(s) of the Most People's Mental Health:

Damian, Cass, JaySteph, Tim

Babs➡️Dick➡️Duke

Most Laws Broken Without Being Caught:

Tim, Cass, Babs

Jason➡️Dick➡️Damian➡️Steph➡️Duke (sorry my dude but you're canonically caught so...)

Ranked by how much they cost B per Year:

Steph➡️Duke➡️Dick➡️Tim➡️Cass➡️Damian➡️Jason➡️Babs

Ranked by how many People they Offended per Year (repeats dont count):

Jason (2,623 [who let him have twitter/social media?!])

Damian (1,298 [^])

Steph (1,284)

Tim (77)

Dick (52)

Babs (43)

Duke (20)

Cass (17)

[thisiswhereikeepdcthings]

Dick: This is going to be a disaster, isn’t it.

Jason, handing Dick a bowl of popcorn: Absolutely.

Dick: Ooh, extra butter.

Bruce:

Dick: Oh, and I’m sure your date will go great.

Bruce:

Jason: Have fun!

Dick: Make good choices!

Jason: Use a condom!

Bruce:

Bruce: Why are you two here?

[thisiswhereikeepdcthings]

Any ideas of how the kids got Bruce to make this face?

Share a writing prompt here.