#answer: you don't

[chronicsheepdrawing]

Hal 9000 humanization but it's specifically the 1984 Kid Stuff Read-Along Audiobook Version.

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

"taken" style action movie where a man searches for his wife. as he fights baddies in gunfights and hand-to-hand combat, it's slowly revealed that:

his wife hasn't been kidnapped

their marriage is not healthy or functional

this guy isn't rescuing his wife, he's hunting her down

his wife is a crime boss, those are her henchpeople he's fighting in a john-wick bloodbath

the tension builds until, drenched in blood, our protagonist steps forward for the final showdown. he pulls a manila envelope from his bullet-torn jacket and throws it at his wife's feet. he's just spent an entire trilogy biting & killing & maiming....all so he can deliver his shit wife her divorce papers

[samble-moved]

post itself

false flags

trans/adjacent tags

accessibility features

tumblr live post (thanks for the link, @problemnyatic)

flashing / strobing / lights

unblockable flashing ad

buying ad free

staff @/macmanx guilt trip

list of staff + more issues

[lonelyoleander]

fellas is it gay to um uhhh.. um.... uhh hhhhh ?????

[egophiliac]

WAIT when did he get FANGS

[klyceart]

I wanted to understand your face

[letmetellyouaboutmyfeels]

I am incredibly serious right now when I beg you all, please, and if you have Twitter or Tiktok or whatever to please spread the word: click on an author's profile on Ao3.

You want to know if an author has written more? Want to know if they're still writing? Want to see more from them? Want to know if they've written a trope or kink or sex scenario you enjoy?

Click on their name. And look at their profile.

I cannot tell you how many times in the last six months someone has read a new or newer fic of mine and said they (a new reader who has read nothing else I've done) "can't wait to see what you do next!" I've written 50+ fics and over a million words already.

"I don't know if you're still writing..." click on my profile. I am. I literally wrote a 128k+ fic for that ship last month.

"Would you ever do X?" "Please do Y!" I already did. Click on my name and look at my works.

Archive of our Own is a library. It's an archive. Not social media. It is your responsibility to fight back against the laziness that corporate algorithms have trained into you.

Click my author name. Just click it. Just click it.

Before you demand more, or ask if a writer will do XYZ, or wonder if the author still writing, or anything - click on their profile. Click on the author's profile.

I'm not trying to be mean or condescending or anything like that. I'm just exhausted. It's disheartening and frustrating to repeat myself ad nauseam, because someone couldn't take thirty seconds to do the tiniest bit of work to see if I've written lately, if I've written more for their ship, or scan my works to see if I've written what they're asking for. Please. Please. I'm begging.

Click the author's name, and explore before you ask.

[scribefindegil]

Still thinking about how the dominant conception of mushroom-hunting in my (USAmerican) culture is fear and revulsion and the idea that anyone who eats a mushroom they found in the woods is courting a terrible death. And I don't want to push back too aggressively; it's better that people think the hobby is too dangerous to bother with rather than having people who are so blasé about the dangers that they end up poisoning themselves. But it still gets a little annoying sometimes. So, for the record, some more nuanced information:

There are a small number of mushrooms that will kill you if you eat them. Most field guides make sure to describe these species carefully so you know what to avoid.

There are a rather larger number of mushrooms that will make you sick but not kill you. Many of these are also noted in field guides, especially if they look at all like any of the edible species.

Many choice edibles are very visually distinct and don't have any non-edible lookalikes. Many foragers stick with these safe choices permanently. (I do this!)

Some edible mushrooms *do* have poisonous lookalikes. Individual foragers can decide how confident they are in their identification skills and what level of risk they're comfortable with accepting.

You need to learn how to use a field guide if you want to gather mushrooms for the table. For most people, this is not a difficult skill to develop, although it takes practice.

You need to learn how to see what is actually in front of you instead of what you want to see. Many misidentifications come from people ignoring obvious field marks out of wishful thinking.

You need to learn about what grows in your region, and if you move, stop foraging until you've had a chance to research the new region. Sadly, many mushroom poisoning cases are recent immigrants who mistook a toxic mushroom for an edible variety from their home country.

It is extremely possible to forage safely. It is also very possible to forage recklessly. You need to be aware of your own skills and temperament to decide whether it's a hobby that will work for you.

If you want to learn more about mushrooms (both poisonous and edible varieties), I highly recommend the book Chanterelle Dreams, Amanita Nightmares by Greg Marley.

[animalinvestigator]

happy 9 years

here's to 990 more

[outerspacetown]

inspired by this legendary post by @samberriez !

[hollowtones]

I'm obsessed with this message. It's so funny. Like, okay. I already know I'm fat and attractive. My wife can't keep their fuckin hands off of me. I already know women and lesbians are hungry for a gal that's built like a brick. I don't really care about validation from strangers about this, but it's a little hard to feel differently about myself when I have SEEN people desperate for me (and people like me)!!!

Not the point, though. Look at the way this message is worded. It's so confused! I love it! You look at it at a glance & it's like any dime-a-dozen "lol the fat freak wants to feel pretty" or whatever but I want you to look closer at the wording. It's the best part. They're implying that the being fat part of this is what will make me & others think I'm hot. Like I'm secretly rail-thin & trying to vie for BBW stolen valour here. It's the first ever hate mail from the Fat World. It sounds like the plot of a really shitty YA novel about prejudice where they try to Make You Think by making the protag the world's only conventionally attractive thin white woman.

Buck Bumble here got so mad about me living in their head for free that they've sent me the completely wrong message. I haven't stopped laughing for like two hours. This is snapping me out of a depressive episode, I think.

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

going through my old journals as part of therapy homework and i'm reading a section written in the emotional wreckage of a full-on breakdown when i get hit with this line:

There is never a satisfying answer to ‘Why didn’t they love me?’

like wow babe. good fucking point

[uncanny-tranny]

"What if I'm not trans, what if I'm choosing to be trans for [list of reasons]"

I am grabbing you by the shoulders and shaking you like a can of soda. If, for whatever reason, you looked within yourself and decided to be trans - you're still trans. We (as trans people) don't need to have an "I always knew" story. We don't need to have the ~magical transsexual gene~. It's incredibly hard for so many of us to figure out why we're trans, and if being trans was always a choice, the reasons for choosing to be trans would be complex. If being trans is always a choice, that doesn't negate that we deserve human dignity and respect for who we are.

It shouldn't matter if you chose your trans identity or not, becayse you still are a person. You breath the same air I do, and you deserve to live how you want, on your terms. You watch the same sunrises and sunsets I do, you are here. I, for one, welcome you no matter what your inner reflections are about your transness. You have a place in this world, you have inherent worth.

[becca-e-barnes]

Bucky pinning you down so you can’t squirm and he’s just sitting inside you while he tortures your clit feeling you clench around him. He makes you cum over and over until he finally cums.

Overstimulation + super soldier stamina = …

- 🍯

Dear God, I know I just don't have it in me to behave during cock-warming. When it comes down to it, I genuinely have no patience at all 😵‍💫

"You..." Bucky begins, pressing you down onto the bed before gripping your ankles and forcing you to flip over onto your front. "Have a problem with control."

With your face turned away from him, you can't help but smile to yourself. No one has ever said it out loud but you know he's right.

Being in control is where you're most comfortable. No hands are safer than your own. Except maybe his. You know he won't fuck this up.

"And you..." He continues, gathering your wrists behind your back, holding them tightly with one hand. "Need to learn how it feels to have control taken from you. Do you understand?"

As soon as you begin to nod your head, you feel him start to tape around your wrists, holding them together behind your back. Once he's content they're secure, he sits on the edge of the bed, facing the mirror before he pulls you onto his lap.

"Legs spread over the top of mine." He orders and you do as you're told, not because you have to but because you want to.

You notice the way your cunt is already glistening in the mirror and you're almost embarrassed because he hasn't even touched you yet.

"Fuck, you're made for this." He groans, lining his cock up to your slick entrance and you wonder if he's holding his breath too while he slides into you, as deep as your bodies will allow.

You're obsessed with the sight in front of you; your own naked body, with your legs spread so far apart you can see how your cunt is stuffed full of him.

Being shorter though, your feet can't touch the ground like this. There's no way you'll get enough leverage to fuck yourself on him but as soon as you start to tell him that, he silences you with two thick fingers between your lips.

"I'm not letting you fuck me." His free hand roams over your body, squeezing your breasts, pinching your nipples and then settling between your spread thighs.

"I'm going to play with you. I'm going to see how much you can take. I'm going to work out exactly how you like your clit stroked and I'm going to do that until your legs are shaking and your body won't let you cum any more. Maybe then I'll fuck you but sweetheart, that will be hours from now." His breath is hot against the side of your face, his fingers slipping from your mouth to your waist while he starts to flick gently against your clit.

"I'm going to start slowly. I'm going to do everything I can to drag this out as long as possible. I can feel every clench and flutter of this pretty little cunt and I'm going to enjoy it until you're dripping over my balls." At this rate, it won't be long until you're dripping onto the carpet, never mind over him. You dreamed he'd want to take control like this but you never imagined the way your body would respond.

"And then, when you've cum more times than you can handle, I'm going to tell you that I love you while I fuck you like I don't."

Update: Part 2

[dreamerdagn]

thank you dbza for this character dynamic

based on (source)

[canisalbus]

You ever see the video of the racoon with a piece of cotton candy and it tries to wash it off in some water only for it to dissolve, and its little racoon hands are patting the water trying to find the cotton candy? I need a tiny racoon-like Machete losing his cotton candy in the water while Vasco sits by him and comforts him. I need tiny teary-eyed racoon Machete. Please.