#anxiety attacks

[samkerrworshipper]

Medication - Leah Williamson

fluff, little bit of angst, anxiety attacks, mentions of depression, 3500 words

balled my eyes out to black fridays by tom odell and then this was birthed.

blurb:

your a rookie on the lionesses squad, who suffers from anxiety and when you stop taking your meds after learning you are starting a game in the euros everything goes downhill for you.

i am so sorry for how vague this was lol i’m writing this and publishing at 2:30 in the morning

I’d never liked gamedays. Everything felt different, all the feelings and emotions heightened. The pressure was insurmountable, especially when you are playing for your nation. Especially when you are one of the youngest, one of the least experienced, one of the youngsters. Today, we were playing Norway, my first game as a Lioness where I was a part of the starting line-up. It was a must win game, the stakes were high for us to win these Euro’s, especially considering it was a home euro’s for us. If we wanted to progress to the finals we couldn’t lose, the pressure was on.

I’d understood that as soon as I’d been notified that I was to start the match, understood that everything changed as soon as you were actually on the pitch. Our one point win over Austria had been great, but we were all hungrier for more, hungrier for the points that we needed to get us ahead in the competition. Sarina knew that there was an expectation for us to win, we all knew that.

I’d been feeling it all week, feeling the anxiety thrumming through my veins as we practised and went about our normal routine for the week. Something was different, it was my first year as a senior Lioness and I’d never been named as a starter. That was a big deal, a really big deal. That was all I could think about. What if I fucked it up? What if I messed up and they told me that I wasn’t going to be welcome back. What if Sarina saw me on the pitch and thought that I was worthless, useless, bad. That was all I could think about as we were standing in the tunnel getting ready to walk out. I was sandwiched in between Lucy and Beth. My hands shaking in my pockets and my breath quickening subconsciously. If I wasn’t aware of it then apparently the defender behind me was, because just as we were about to walk out I felt one of her hands fall to my shoulder, pulling me back into her just enough for her to be able to press her mouth to my ear and whisper,

“You’ve got this amore, you’re going to do perfectly fine,” Lucy’s voice was so strong, but so comforting. She was like an older sister to me, and had been since my first day at training camp. She had been the first person to believe in me besides my Arsenal teammates, the first person to really advocate for my future. She was also the first person on the Lionesses team besides Leah to learn about my struggles with anxiety, adhd and depression. She’d been a light in my life, texted me to make sure I was keeping up with my medication, or just to check in.

In the wake of the Euro’s I’d stopped taking my anxiety meds. I took Lorazepam, which worked really well for me, but it also tended to make me really drowsy and fatigued. Things that are not ideal when you are training and playing almost everyday for your country. It had positive effects, I definitely found it a lot easier to train and play my hardest, but there were a lot of negatives. Like how I was feeling right now. Like my heart was going to beat out of my chest, my hands getting clammy with sweat and shaking non stop like I’d just shot up on steroids. The sound of the crowd at Brighton didn’t help either as we walked out onto the pitch. I struggled to get through the national anthem and the pre game pleasantries, my chest and body hurting from the anxiety that was building up inside of my body.

I was grateful but also not to step out on the pitch properly. It felt like I was on a different planet, my senses overly heightened and my brain short circuiting almost everything.

I could feel Leah’s gaze on me as we all lined up to start the game, she worried about me, a lot. I was also her Arsenal teammate and she’d taken me under her wing beyond football, we’d become very close in our time spent together. I ignored her sidewards glances though, tasking myself with showing our nation that I deserved to be where I was and some jitters weren’t going to affect that.

My first half was rocky, normally with the mixture of adrenaline and endorphins my anxiety subsided when I started playing but this time I must have been too far gone, too much pent up anxiety built up for it to just fade away. It reflected in how I was playing, but our forwards had been flawless, slotting in six goals which put us in a lead that was pretty much untouchable. Clambering into the rooms at halftime was a charade. Everyone besides myself seemed ecstatic and hyped about our lead, I was on the inside but I was also wrapped up in my own bubble. I took a seat on the floor of the change rooms, taking in Serena’s speech about keeping our heads and just continuing what we were doing. I allowed Lucy to pass me a drink bottle, obliging her request for me to hydrate myself. She could tell something was up, she’d been hovering around me on the pitch, covering me. When one of the Norwegian girls had taken my feet out from under me she had immediately been at my side, pulling me up and then yelling at the umpire about how it had clearly been a foul if not a yellow. Leah had to pull her away just to ensure Lucy wouldn’t get carded herself, all whilst I stood there absolutely helpless as result of the amount of effort I was having to put into not collapsing from the amount of pain in my chest.

Leah kept it pretty brief after Serena, sticking to what she’d said and putting an emphasis on a few things before we headed back out. She managed to snag a grip on my jersey though as I trailed with the girls at the back of the group.

“Are you okay?” There was a little bit of captain in it, but it was mostly gentle, her voice a little bit rugged from the amount of yelling she’d done on the field.

“I’m fine.” Her facial expression was enough to tell me she didn’t believe a word I was saying.

“I’m telling Serena to sub you off, you clearly don’t look well enough to be playing.”

“I told you I feel fine Cap, I can play out the rest of the 90, please let me play it out.”

Leah looked conflicted, conflicted with what to do and how to react to my plea. I wasn’t one who begged very often, I didn’t see the point in it.

“Fine but y/n, as soon as anything happens out there, you put yourself in danger or someone else in danger you are going off, understood?”

I didn’t have any other option but to nod at Leah.

“Yes, captain.”

My voice had held some sarcasm as I tore her hand from the bottom of my jersey and started jogging back up the tunnel to catch up with girls that I’d previously been chatting to.

The last ten minutes of the second half was when bad transitioned to really not good. My body began to catch up with my over exertion and every second on the field became a battle. It was a blessing that the ball wasn’t really travelling down my end, Less and Toony had both been substituted in and were having a field day in our forward half kicking it back and forth to run the clock down. The Norwegian girls were giving it their best but you could tell they knew it was over. As the minutes passed though and we went into extra time I could feel my body really starting to get heavier, you could blame it on the lack of hydration and the english heat that we were playing in but I knew it was my body betraying me. I’d been denying my body for too long and it was catching up with me. I didn’t even know how many minutes of extra time we had, my vision was slowly blurring, my steps becoming wobbly and the pain in my chest becoming overbearing.

I could hear my opponent, I think it was Maren, or was it Guro? Asking me if I felt alright. I didn’t really comprehend it though, I couldn’t hear anything properly, it felt like I was underwater, my ears ringing out and my vision blacking over as I fell face first into the turf. Maren managed to catch me before I fully face planted into the grass, helping my limp form down to the ground before starting to yell out for help. It was then of course that the whistles blew and the match ended. I could make out the sounds of the crowd going nuts, maybe even my teammates on the sidelines yelling in triumph. I couldn’t open my eyes though and I definitely couldn’t make out the voice of Maren on the ground beside me trying to ask me questions and attract the attention of a medic. It was all mellowed out as my body succumbed to a coma like state that I’d forced myself into.

Leah and Lucy were the first two from my own team to locate me, passed out on the ground with Maren trying to provide as much privacy for me as possible whilst also pressing her hand to my throat to make sure that there wasn’t anything seriously wrong. It was Maren, Guro had been subbed off at the 84’ minute mark. I remembered that because I’d silently been wishing at the time that Serena would do the same, but she’d made her final changes and taking me off apparently hadn't been one of them.

“Y/n, can you open your eyes for me? Or squeeze my hand?”

I could feel Leah’s own hand fall into mine and I squeezed it as best as I could, it was enough for me to tell her that I was conscious enough to make out what she was saying to me.

“Good y/n/n, the medics are about to be here, can you try and open your eyes and talk for me?”

I tried my hardest to crack my eyes open, when I did finally muster up the will to open one of them I was met with the brightness of the stadium lights. I groaned almost immediately, being forced to take in my surroundings. I was surrounded by our trainers, who were draping different towels over my body in an attempt to cool me down and cover me. My cleats had been removed from my feet and someone was soaking my socks in cold water, something that I was not pleased to be awakened by.

“Good sweetheart, stay focused on me yeah, eyes on me.”

My eyes snapped back up to Leah, who was crouched above my head, Serena and Lucy’s heads were beside her own, staring down at me.

“The medics are going to come look at you and you are going to let them, okay?”

I almost immediately shook my head at Leah but she kept her jaw clenched and her stern face up.

“I’m not asking y/n, you just passed out on the field, you need to be assessed.”

I shook my head again and Leah rolled her eyes at me.

“An-n-xiety.”

I could hardly make out my own words in the stadium full of noise and the words themselves made me realise how much I was struggling to regulate my own breaths.

Leah nodded knowingly, suddenly everything seemed to come into perspective for her.

“You stopped taking your medication, didn’t you?”

I gulped and nodded at her, trying to block out all of the distractions that were happening around me. She looked annoyed at me, I cowered a little bit with the glare that she was giving me. After the last time I went on a sabbatical from my medication I swore to Leah I would never do it again.

As the medics crouched down next to me I shut my eyes again, it all becoming too much for my head. I let the medics fuss over me, I blacked out somewhere in between them putting me on a stretcher and getting me off the pitch.

I reawakened with sweat dripping down my body, all of the oxygen depleting from my body and my chest aching like it never had before. I choked a little bit as I sat up from my spot, gasping for air to enter my lungs. It took me a few seconds to recognise where I was, sitting inside the makeshift medical room at Brighton. My head was pounding and my whole body was aching.

“Y/n, look at me, you're having an anxiety attack, deep breaths.”

“Wh-what.” The words came out in a gasp as I struggled to take in any air, looking at Leah for guidance.

“We’re at Brighton, we just played Norway, you had an anxiety episode on the pitch. You’re having an attack right now, I need you to take deep breaths, follow me, in and out.”

I watched Leah as she exaggerated some deep breaths, if it hadn't been for the circumstance I probably would have laughed at her.

As I slowly started to take in more air she tried a different tactic.

“Good y/n/n, your doing so well my good girl. Can you tell me five things you can see?”

It was deflection, something that Leah had picked up on from her therapist.

“Serena, you, the light, Lucy and a drink bottle.”

Leah nodded at me encouragingly, rubbing slowly up my back as she continued.

“Good, you’re doing so well, how about four things you can feel?”

“Your breath, the scratchy blanket, my wet socks and I don’t know.”

My words were still choken as I used up whatever oxygen I was taking in to get the words out.

“That’s okay, that’s good, you are doing so well for me angel, how about three things you can hear?”

I tried to focus fully on Leah, on her words, her rubbing my back, her breath against my neck.

“Serena tapping her shoe, the heart monitor and the music from the changeroom.”

It was faint but if you focused in enough you could just hear the sound of my teammates in the change rooms, getting up to god knows that with the absence of their captain and manager.

“Perfect, you are doing absolutely perfectly. How about two things you can smell?”

“Antiseptic and your perfume.”

“Good, last one, one thing you can taste.”

I could feel my breath and body evening itself out, it felt like I was a piece of linen that was slowly but surely being ironed out, all of the crinkles and creases leaving my body.

“I don’t know.”

“Last one y/n, I know you can do it.”

“Metal, the iron taste from blood.”

Leah nodded at me, plastering a kiss on my forehead. Her words and actions being enough to bring me back down to earth fully. I very slowly took in my surroundings properly, Serena, Lucy and Keira were all sitting at the end of my bed, watching as Leah did her thing. I was hooked up to a few different things, cords and wires poking out of my extremities. A saline drip, heart monitor and another machine that I wasn’t sure the purpose of.

“Hey my girl, you back here with us now?”

I pushed my head into Leah’s chest, trying to hide from the world that I was now a participating member of.

“No hiding, not here,”

I groaned as Leah pushed me out of her chest, annoyed by the loss of contact and the confrontation of having to be put in front of some of the people I respected most.

“You gave us a fright back there, I think you came close to killing Maren.”

I gulped nervously, hanging onto every word that left Serena’s mouth, just bobbing my head in agreement because what else was I supposed to do.

“M’ sorry, didn’t mean to, just wanted to prove that I deserved to be here.”

Serena’s face held a kind of understanding, like she’d seen girls before me who had been the same, willing to die to prove their worth to the dutchwoman who we all regarded so highly.

“You wouldn’t be here in the first place if you didn’t deserve to be. It’s one thing to push yourself but to the point where you black out on the field is another thing. If it ever happens again y/n y/l/n then I can swear to you now that you will be benched, am I understood.” I nodded meekly at Serena,

“Yes ma’am.”

She nodded at me, she’d gotten her point across.

“Leah tells me this happened as a result of you not taking your medication?”

I pushed my head back into Leah’s chest, grunting at her when she pushed me out of it. I couldn’t do much else but nod at Serena.

“I get side effects ma’am, it makes me drowsy and sleepy, I didn’t want it to affect my game.”

Serena was very quick to fire back at me,

“You take medication to ensure that you feel well, there is no shame in that. If you are having a problem with side effects then you are to bring it up with one of our doctors, not boycott your medication entirely. From now on I am going to be responsible for your medication, you will come to me everyday to take it so I can ensure that you are receiving the correct doses so something like this does not occur again, is that understood?”

I gulped and nodded at Serena. She smiled at me knowingly in return.

“You are an elite athlete y/n, it is imperative that you care for your body. Or something like this happens, something with such magnitude that it can’t be overlooked. Your health and wellbeing comes first, always.”

I nodded at Serena once again, allowing her to give me a hug before leaving the room to give us some privacy. As soon as the door closed behind her I shed a few tears, I hated confrontation, it was one of my biggest fears.

“She’s right y’know, this could have been a lot worse, what if you’d put yourself in a really dangerous position because you were in a bad headspace and ended up seriously injured, you can’t just stop taking your medication randomly y/n, it’s not safe.”

Leah’s voice was murmured against my forehead, her lips staying plastered to the oily and cold skin.

“No one else on the team relies on medication to function, I thought I would be fine, I feel so stupid always being the one having to rely on shit to get through the day.”

I could feel Leah rolling her eyes from above me.

“No one else on the team struggles with intense anxiety and depression like you do, we are all different, we all function differently. There is no shame in needing medication y/n/n, Lucy uses an asthma puffer, does that make her stupid?”

I looked over at Lucy, it was different.

“No but it’s different.”

“How?”

Leah’s answer was fired back at me and I struggled slightly to recover from her sudden reply,

“Lucy has a physical problem, mine’s just in my head.”

“What you went through today seemed pretty physical to me.”

I was stumped by that answer, looking across at Kiera and Lucy who nodded along with what Leah was saying.

“You struggle with your mental health, there is no shame in that. You rely on medication. So what? Good for you for listening to your body and acknowledging that you need that to help you make it through the day. Y/n, there is absolutely nothing wrong with using medication to help you. If I felt sick, with the flu, and I needed antibiotics or whatever, would you think that I was weak for using them?”

I shook my head at Leah almost immediately, the question was a no brainer for me,

“Exactly, because I’d be taking the medication needed to keep me well and functioning. All you are doing is the same thing y/n, keeping yourself alive and well.”

[desultory-suggestions]

It’s okay if your hands shake under pressure. It’s okay if you fidget and tap restlessly. It’s okay if your body shows your anxiety. You don’t have to override the natural ways you react the stress.

[your-local-baguette]

Bllk boys with an anxious reader.

Warnings: not proofread and anxiety. Read at your own risk

Julian loki

Julian has alway known you had anxiety, wether your good at hiding it or not. He managed to find out, but since your now in a relationship, you've been anxious because he has yet to mention it despite that he knows you have anxiety. You were scared of the moment he would, would he find it weird when you explained, would he leave, would he-

Before you knew, your breathing became heavy and the couch dipped next to you. A comforting shushing sound in your ear, tye tears that threatened to spill were like swallowed back, your breathing slowed down, while you leaned into your boyfriend touch. "Hey hey, it's alright.."

He said, running his hand up and down your back soothingly, you calmed down after a few minutes, leaning in his touch.

Julian for sure notices when you have a panic attack/anxiety attack

He tries his best to help you, although he doesn't know how it feels like

He does his best to be empathize and be there for you when you need to

Sae itoshi

You've never told sae you had anxiety, but after being in a relationship for a few months, he figured it out. But he didn't bring it up for your sake, when you had panic attack he simply pretended to brush it off as you needing help, so you didn't have to worry about his thoughts on this.

But that all shattered one day, when your panic attack gotten so bad, he had to hold you down, to others it might seem like a tantrum but, to him he saw the pain in your eyes, the sadness, the anxiety, the...fear. he held your shoulders tightly, making you look at him. "Y/n, look at me.." he said in a gentle but demanding voice. Your gaze shakily turned to his, your heart soothed, seeing his teal eyes look into yours with that...love and worry. He felt your breathing slow "that's it, that's it" he said, although barely any emotion could be seen on his face. Sae let you hug him, he didn't show much but you could feel his worries being lifted. "You did good." He said in a hushed voice.

Although sae doesn't look too worried he really is

He doesn't show his emotions to keep you from panicking even more

He can easily notice when you're on the edge

He usually knows how to calm you down

Charles Chevalier

Charles can easily notice your anxiety, but he's a little more clumsy. Although his worried expression, he tries making weird and funny faces to snap you out. He's usually pretty good at it, but sometimes it just doesn't work. That's when he knows it's serious, like really serious and he hugs you. Letting you cry on his shoulder and punch his chest if needed. It won't him, don't you worry. (Unless you are a bodybuilder but if you are maybe don't do that)

When i mean funny faces, i mean sticking on his tongue, both his eyes trying to look at his nose etc

He's really good at it

But although his smaller frame, he can hold you down if needed or let you punch his chets.

Hope it helped you my anxious babies, i stand with y'all it ain't easy i know.

[neuroticboyfriend]

ykno phrases like "crippling anxiety" aren't wrong, right? like. anxiety can cause/worsen high blood pressure or high heart rate. it can make you faint or overheat. it can make you hyperventilate and unable to breathe. it can make unable to move or speak. etc. etc. and it isn't the only mental health condition that can cause symptoms like that.

there's no denying that the word cripple refers to "physical" disability the vast majority of the time, but the mind is part of the body. the line between "mental" and "physical" disability is.. not a line at all. they're forever interconnected. mentally ill and neurodivergent people can be crippled.

[onyxedskies]

can we get more representation of silent anxiety/panic attacks/flashbacks in the media

like not the ones where you lash out and cry and scream and clutch your ears or murmur things but the ones where all the muscles in your body clench and you just stare blankly but you’re still able to talk to people and hide it and interact like nothings going on

the ones where your mind is going a mile a minute while swarming you with memories and you just keep smiling and laughing and interacting despite that

like… can we normalize that? because not everyone completely shuts down or stops functioning. in fact, i’ve found that a lot of people internalize it and “implode” instead of “explode”, so to speak

[wangxianficrecs]

💙 Couldn't Scream Couldn't Shout by mermorgie

💙 Couldn't Scream Couldn't Shout

by mermorgie

T, WIP, 42k, Wangxian

Summary: Frustrated and desperate to stop hearing Wei Wuxian’s voice echo in his ears, Lan Wangji makes a mistake with the Lan silencing spell that he cannot undo. Temporarily muted, Wei Wuxian struggles to pretend that he’s fine, while Lan Wangji struggles to make it up to him. Kay's comments: This story feels like someone searched my brain for all my favourite things and then made a fic out of it and I love it. Here we have a Cloud Recesses Study Arc canon-divergence where Lan Wangji accidently uses a very strong muting spell on Wei Wuxian, which leads to him not being able to speak at all. It doesn't go well for anyone involved, but it also gives the opportunity to get to know each other better sooner. Love how the author went all-out on panicked gay teenager Lan Wangji, who just can't handle having a crush and miscommunicates so hard at every opportunity and I love how Wei Wuxian's muteness is explored and what that might mean for his relationship with his peers. Excerpt: Jin Zixuan scowled from his place behind the Jiang boys, crossing his arms and glaring at the back of Wei Wuxian's head, "You've already got everyone looking at you as it is– are you that desperate for attention, Wei Wuxian? Would you quit treating everything like a game?" Wei Wuxian tried to make another noise as he threw a nasty glare behind him. “No,” Lan Wangji finally forced the world from his lips, hot frustration and a bit of anger pushing up through his chest as he watched Wei Wuxian face ridicule and scorn for Lan Wangji’s mistake, “Not a game.” Jin Zixuan huffed, “See? Lan-er-gongzi doesn’t have time for your playing around, Wei Wuxian!” Wei Wuxian had been shaking his head back and forth, but quickly slowed to stop as he realized that it didn’t matter. No one was paying his nonverbal protests any attention. “No,” Lan Wangji tried again, voice tight, “Not playing.” Jiang Wanyin and Jin Zixuan wore matching expressions of confusion, them and the rest of the disciples watching Lan Wangji as he struggled to find the words to explain. He was frustrated, and the words that were normally so difficult for him now felt almost impossible. Wei Wuxian was the one who couldn’t open his mouth, but Lan Wangji was starting to feel like he couldn’t breathe.

wip, wip rec week, pov lan wangji, canon divergence, cloud recesses study arc, cloud recesses shenanigans, gusu lan silencing spell, muteness, sign language, mute wei wuxian, implied/referenced child abuse, anxiety attacks, pining, lan wangji is a panicked gay, supportive sibling lan xichen, jin zixuan tries, lan qiren tries, protective jin zixuan, bisexual jin zixuan, scheming nie huaisang, miscommunication, misunderstandings, hurt/comfort, angst, wei wuxian has adhd, autistic lan wangji, wei wuxian has a fear of dogs, dysfunctional jiang family, not jiang cheng friendly, homophobia, @yinyuexuelei

~*~

(Please REBLOG as a signal boost for this hard-working author if you like – or think others might like – this story.)

[autumnmobile12]

Writing an Anxiety Attack

When I read novels or fanfiction and there are scenes where the character is having an anxiety attack, I love the writers who do not even spell out the word anxiety.

Anxiety is not the word.

It is the breathing that refuses to stabilize, the breaths that keep getting shorter. It's the character's tunnel vision and tuning everything out and spiraling into their own world perpetuating the feeling. It's the nervous tics: finger tapping, knee bouncing, scratching, picking at nails, hair pulling. It's the fear that no one notices/cares and the fear that everyone notices/judges that happens all at once. It's the cold sweats. When people use the expression, 'feel it in my bones,' that is anxiety. It goes and winds itself in the marrow and the cartilage like spiders. If hypertension is already a diagnosed problem, the character fears making the problem worse.

The symptoms speak for themselves. The word is not necessary.

[thisisocd]

SUDs Check-in!

What are SUDs?

SUDs stands for Subjective Units of Distress. It's the fanciest way possible of saying "Rate your emotional pain". Some people use a scale of 0-100 (yes, really), but I prefer 0-10 when I work with students. I think that, otherwise, it gets way too overwhelming!

Note: if you clicked on option 10, you might want to check out my crisis tips.

[virgil-my-emo-son]

Spiral Out, Try to Float--Logan and Virgil, Hurt/Comfort

Requested by @amateurmasksmith a very long time ago 😭 Apologies for how long this took. School's been crazy!

Summary: Logan has an anxiety attack. Virgil helps him.

Relationships: Platonic Analogical

Words: 610

Ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/51837730

The world was spinning. Which, of course, it was supposed to, but not like this.

Logan put his head in his hands, breathing fast. Snippets from his extensive to-do list whirled in his brain. Write current skit. Brainstorm next skit. Schedule meeting with Roman. He squeezed his eyes shut. Deep-clean kitchen. Write next week’s schedule.

Logan knew what he should do, Patton had talked him through things after the last time he’d had an attack like this. Close his eyes, take deep breaths, think of calm imagery. A still lake. The peace of deep space.

He couldn’t seem to get enough control of himself to do any of that now, though. I’ll never get all of it done. Never. He could feel the corners of his eyes begin to prickle with tears. I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I shouldn’t be crying over this.

“Logan?”

Logan’s head snapped towards the door. Virgil leaned against the doorframe, his hands in the pockets of his hoodie, his face contorted in concern.

“Will you—will you—will you close the door?” Logan stammered. Virgil pulled the door shut, walking into the room.

“You okay? Well, I mean, clearly… what’s up?” Virgil sat on the side of the desk; one hand emerging from his pocket to run through his hair.

“I’m—” Logan forced himself to take a long, shuddering breath. “I just have a lot going on.”

“And you’re having an anxiety attack.” Virgil said gently.

Logan took another breath. “No… you have anxiety attacks. I don’t.”

Virgil laughed. “Logan, you absolutely have anxiety attacks.”

“No, I don’t.”

“You’re shaking.” Virgil pointed out. Logan looked at his hand, and sure enough, it was trembling. “You’re having an anxiety attack. It’s okay.”

“I need to get things done. I need to get things done. I don’t—I can’t—it’ll never get finished.” Logan’s breathing got quick again as he refocused on his issue.

“Logan.” Virgil’s hand hovered above his. “Can I touch you?”

Logan’s eyes flicked up to Virgil’s as he nodded. Virgil took Logan’s hand. “Can you focus on me for a bit? Focus on my hand, how it feels in yours.”

Logan closed his eyes, moving his entire awareness to his fingers intertwined with Virgil’s. He noticed every little twitch of his fingers, the weight of Virgil’s hand, the sweat on his palm. His breathing began to slow.

“Good.” Virgil murmured. “Now can you imagine space? Neptune, or the butterfly nebula, or… anything like that?”

Logan almost smiled at that. He’d rambled enough about space that Virgil knew it was an interest of his, but he talked about his favorite planet and nebula more than other topics.

He envisioned the butterfly nebula, its vibrant colors, its ever-shifting forms and shapes. He lost himself in it, Virgil’s hand his tether as his breathing evened out and his heart rate slowed back to normal.

Virgil squeezed his hand. “Logan?”

Logan exhaled, opening his eyes. “Yes.”

“How are you feeling?”

“Better.”

“Yeah?”

Logan nodded. “Yes.”

“Good.” Virgil gave Logan’s hand another squeeze, then released it.

“Don’t—” Logan swallowed. “Don’t leave.”

“I won’t leave.” Virgil gave him a soft smile. “Do you want to do something, and then if you want you can come back to your work? When I’m stressed, I make myself tea.”

“I believe that would be a prudent step to take.”

Virgil laughed a little. “Prudent. Back to your vocab already.”

Logan smiled a bit, too. “Prudent isn’t an excessively difficult or complicated word.”

“I guess, but it’s not the most common word in the world, either.”

“I suppose.”

“Come on.” Virgil hopped off the desk. “Lets’ get you some tea.”

[unwelcome-ozian]

[desultory-suggestions]

Your anxiety will not control you forever. There is a place in your future where you have all of the support and tools you need to thrive. One day you’ll look at your life and realize you no longer shake in new situations, hide instead of enjoy yourself, or get so easily frustrated when you’re stressed. It may not disappear, but it will be minuscule compared to how it feels now. Just keep working towards it.

[ibs-culture-is]

ibs + anxiety culture is I can’t leave the house today I will definitely have to go to the bathroom and I can’t let that happen outside the comforts of my own home

[neuroticboyfriend]

it feels like there's a time bomb in my head but i can't see the countdown, only hear the tick.

[cringelordofchaos]

This is actually really good for meltdowns and panic/anxiety attacks

[i-am-bella-donna]

Such a Promising Young Witch

AO3

Story Summary:

When Lilith Clawthorne was thirteen, she had promise. She had potential. Now, Lilith Clawthorne was thirty, and she was worthless.

Pairings: Platonic Darius x Lilith

Word Count: 4,000

CONTENT WARNINGS: ANXIETY ATTACKS, DISSOCIATION, SELF-HATRED, SUICIDE (SUICIDAL THOUGHTS)

A/N: Story Theme Song: Achilles Come Down (Female Version) by Annapantsu

Be careful, folks. This one is a little heavy.

No one dies or attempts suicide, but Lilith is not having a good time.

~~~

“She’s such a promising young witch.”

Lilith fought back a groan and hunched further over her office desk, a hand coming up to pinch the bridge of her nose as memories interrupted the more productive flow of thought.

“Who?”

“Lilith Clawthorne—that teenager with the dark red hair.”

“The one in the Potions Track?”

“Yeah!”

Her other hand trembled around her pen, sending a wide streak of ink across the page. Through her blurry vision, she could not tell how bad the smear was, but dread settled in her stomach nonetheless. She scrubbed at her eyes.

The Emperor expected—no, deserved perfection.

Her hands were still shaking as she straightened and decided to continue. She wanted to go back and redo the ruined paperwork, but was already running low on time. While she may have been willing to spend as long as necessary on her work, she could not afford to make the Emperor wait for her.

Lilith swallowed. The room was cold. Her head was spinning and her teeth were rattling.

“I bet she’s a shoo-in for the Emperor’s Coven!”

“Well, either her or her sister.”

“Are you kidding? Have you seen how much time Lilith spends studying?”

She had stopped watching the clock a while ago. The numbers were becoming too fuzzy.

“That girl works harder than any other student at Hexside—Edalyn has no idea who she’s up against!”

“Yeah, but we all know Edalyn is stronger. Lilith can study all she wants, but no amount of studying can replace raw power.”

She needed to pull herself together. The Emperor was counting on her. He had seen her for all of her horrible actions—and instead of scorning her, he had offered his hand in support.

“Bring me the Owl Lady, and I will heal the curse with no mention of your involvement. For such a promising young witch as yourself, I doubt it will be an issue.”

Lilith was supposed to capture Eda. She had tried to capture Eda, using the best of her efforts.

And still she failed.

Time and time again, she failed.

She had failed the Emperor.

She had failed herself.

She had failed Eda.

The bells of the clock tower tolled in the distance, ringing softly through her office. She usually found the noise soothing, like a call for sleep. But now it was just another reminder of how much time she was wasting—and how little she was getting done. The noise pounded against her skull and drew a groan from her.

She was twenty-nine years old, and she was even failing at maintaining a proper sleep schedule.

So much for being promising, she thought with a note of bitterness. I think I cursed the wrong witch.

The ink on the page was spreading. Spots of ink were blotting her vision, too.

There was a knock on her office door.

Almost on instinct, Lilith shot to her feet, paying no mind to her chair crashing to the ground behind her. She blinked the dark static out of her vision and gripped the edge of her desk as the room swayed beneath her feet.

Was it the Emperor?

Kikimora?

The Golden Gu—wait, he was dead.

Who in their right mind would still be working—and visiting her office—at such a late hour?

Another knock.

Lilith bit the inside of her cheek, her heartbeat picking up and her grip tightening. Why were they not—

Oh. Right.

“Come in!” she finally called out, her voice like broken glass. Internally, she winced. When was the last time she had spoken? Or drunk water?

I said I would get up for a drink when I finished two more pages of work. That was ten pages ago.

To be fair, water will be a nice reward if—when I am finished.

The door swung open and Lilith stiffened, posture tightening until a bolt of pain shot through her shoulders. She opened her mouth to apologize for her messy office and disheveled appearance, only for her visitor to cut her off.

“Sweet Titan, you should be asleep by now,” Darius scoffed, folding his arms and staring down at her with judgment. “How—actually, why are you still awake?”

Lilith blinked, unsure of how to reply as shame settled over her. Darius rolled his eyes at her lack of response and shut the door behind him, taking a few steps closer and giving her a once-over. He opened his mouth, and Lilith internally braced herself for a scolding.

“Do you even bother to take care of yourself anymore?”

There it was.

She blinked again to clear the blurry sight of his face, digging her nails into her skin as a chill shot down her spine. Darius clicked his tongue, and distantly, Lilith realized she was trembling.

How do I answer that question?

As though sensing her loss for words, Darius lifted his Scroll. There was a bright flash of light before Lilith could react, and then Darius was holding his Scroll out for her to see. It took a few seconds for her to recognize the image as a photograph of herself, and a few more for her breath to catch in her throat.

Titan—she looked awful.

Her skin was bloodless and drained of life, and her eyes were glassy with dark shadows underneath. Her hair was a tangled mess. The edges of her image were blurred slightly, as though even the camera had picked up on her shaking.

Any possible response remained stuck in the back of her throat. Darius nodded as though expecting this reaction, shoving his Scroll back into his pocket. “Being a Coven Head is time consuming, but that’s no excuse for neglecting self-care.” He paused, eyeing her nest of hair. “Or basic hygiene.”

“Easy for you to say,” she grumbled. “You seem to have plenty of spare time on your hands, Coven Head or not.” Her voice carried more of a bitter note than she would have liked, but she did not really care. It was an open secret that Darius and the Golden Guard had a close relationship—even Lilith had noticed. For a while, it had been almost wonderful to watch. Darius gained a lightness that Lilith had not seen since his falling-out with Alador and Odalia.

Then the Golden Guard died.

And everything changed.

“It’s a wonder you’re still standing,” Darius continued as though he had not heard her. “I leave you alone for a few weeks, and this is what you let yourself become?”

A few weeks?

It had been a few years since he had even bothered to have a real conversation with her.

After Hexside, she had found herself losing everyone. Her parents certainly did not care about her—they did not attend her initiation ceremony, or her Coven Head inauguration.

Raine was too close to Eda for Lilith to speak to them without being consumed with guilt. Still, she found that they crossed her mind every time she saw a particularly proficient bard—anyone with enough passion to remind her of the witch who had practically become a second younger sibling. Did they miss her as much as she missed them?

Perry had been one of her favorite study-buddies, but between their respective careers, they were too busy to meet up. Still, she watched his news channel whenever she had the chance.

Odalia and Alador had cut everyone off for reasons she neither knew nor understood. Darius was far more bitter about the situation, but he refused to speak on it. None of them had been invited to the wedding.

Eda and Lilith had not been in the same room for several years. Lilith could not tell whether that choice had been for the best.

But despite everything, she still had Darius by her side. They rose through the ranks together, just like how Lilith had once imagined doing with Eda.

And then Darius stopped talking to her.

She was truly alone.

Lilith had given up her friends, her family, her life—and for what? Her wasted potential?

She had taken a gamble and lost, and now she was forever in the debt of karma.

Failure.

“Sorry…” she forced out. She was not entirely sure why she was apologizing.

“What for?”

Her heart thumped in her chest. The room was spinning slowly. You need to answer. What did you do wrong this time?

“Wasting your time?”

Darius sighed, sending a spike of fear and shame through her body. It was entirely pathetic—how had she even managed to claw her way into becoming a Coven Head?

It should have been Eda.

She was such a promising young witch, but Eda was more than just promising. Eda was powerful.

And I was jealous of her, so I ruined her life.

How long before she managed to disappoint the Emperor, too? How long before he stopped giving her chances, and threw her out of the coven, and—

“Honestly, Lilith,” Darius chided, snapping her back from her thoughts. He crossed his arms. “You need to prioritize yourself more often. Do you think the Emperor wants you wasting away like this?”

He should be disappointed in me.

The words sent another wave of shame through her. She wrapped her arms around her shaking torso. Perhaps if she had been in a normal state of mind, she would have been able to better conceal her reaction.

But as it was, she was exhausted and running on fumes, so she averted her eyes and fought the urge to break down.

The clock ticked.

Darius sighed. He set the forgotten chair upright and guided her to sit down, the gentleness of his hands at odds with the annoyed look on his face. “Wait here,” he instructed before vanishing through the door.

Not entirely sure what was happening, Lilith seized the opportunity of solitude and turned back to the pile of paperwork on her desk. However, she quickly found she could not actually bring herself to work. Her hands were unnaturally heavy, as though there were weights strapped to her limbs. The papers fuzzed so greatly in her vision, she might as well have been reading them underwater—and what little she could make out, she simply could not process. Her teeth were chattering badly, not at all helping matters.

I have to work.

Her eyes burned.

I can’t—

“Am I going to return to an imminent crisis every time I leave you alone?”

Startled, Lilith jerked her head upward. Somehow, Darius had already returned and was towering over her, holding out….

Was that a coven scout mask?

She stared, uncomprehending, until Darius rolled his eyes. “Put the mask on,” he instructed, speaking slowly as though she was stupid. “On the off chance that we run into someone, they’ll think I’m escorting an overworked coven scout back to their quarters. No one will know it’s you.”

Oh. Lilith blinked, trying to wrap her mind around his claim.

“Put the mask on,” she echoed blankly, accepting the cold metal with shaking hands and pressing it to her face. Tired as she was, she was still capable of following a direct order.

Her face tingled slightly as the enchantment adhered the mask to her skin, holding the it in place as Darius lifted her easily into his arms. Lilith yelped in an undignified manner, disoriented by the sudden motion. Her vision briefly spotted out.

She could practically feel Darius rolling his eyes as he carried her out of the room, using a small spell circle to shut off the lights and close the door behind him. “Later, you and I need to have a long discussion,” he said as they made their way through the halls. Lilith suddenly understood why he had insisted she wear a mask, and weak gratitude filled her chest. How oddly…kind of him. “Especially about your complete lack of care toward yourself and your health.”

Yourself and your health.

Lilith frowned slightly behind her mask. Why did that matter?

She had outlived her use. She had once been such a promising young witch.

And now she had failed.

She should have let herself lose, all those years ago.

She wanted Eda here with her.

But it was her own fault that her sister was alone, living in the woods with neither support nor family.

Her self-control slipped and her breath caught slightly, a sharp pain lancing through her chest.

Darius clicked his tongue again. “Titan—you’re so tired, you’re shaking,” he said, his tone filled with disapproval and only loud enough for her to hear. “Lilith, this isn’t healthy.”

I can sleep when I’m worthy of it, she thought but did not say. Her lips were practically glued shut, and Darius already seemed unhappy enough.

Her thoughts were yanked back into her body as Darius stopped short, and Lilith realized that they had somehow already reached her room. She could not understand how he managed to unlock and open her door without placing her down, but the next thing she knew, he was setting her on her bed and locking the door behind him. She bit her lip and let her chin fall into her hands, watching him move through blurred vision.

He still had the key she had once given him.

It should not have surprised her. The key to his room was hidden at the back of her closet, in a box that also contained her Hexside yearbook and old photo album. Despite everything, she just…could not bring herself to get rid of it.

“All right,” Darius muttered to himself as he stepped over to her dresser. “I hope you have clean pajamas to wear.”

Lilith blinked, barely understanding what was happening and wanting nothing more than to fall back onto her bed and sleep—but no, she had more work to do. And she was still shaking—

“Lilith.”

“What?” Her voice was strange, even to her own ears. She might as well have been underwater.

“Your pajamas, Lilith. Do you have a preference?” There was the sound of a drawer opening and closing—wait, when had she closed her eyes? “And take off the mask. You don’t need it anymore.”

Robotically, she lifted a hand to her face and removed the coven scout mask, flinching as it landed on the floor with an audible thud. Her hands fell into her lap and swam before her eyes, mind dull and barely processing her surroundings.

I can’t do this.

Her face was hot. Her throat burned. She could not stop trembling—

“I swear—Lilith, you cannot keep going like this.” Rustling. “You’re going to kill yourself at this rate, and I can’t—”

Darius cut himself off.

Her blood ran cold.

What did I do wrong what did I do wrong what did—

Footsteps hurried as they approached the bed. Lilith became aware of her position—hunched over with her hands now covering her eyes, elbows propped up on her knees. Her hands felt slimy where they touched her face.

“Shit.” Darius spoke unusually softly, his voice filled with concern that Lilith had not heard from anyone in…so long. “What’s wrong?”

The bed dipped slightly as Darius took a seat beside her. His hands were gentle as they pulled her close, warmth all but bleeding through her clothes and somehow making her tremble harder. He let her keep her hands up by her face as she leaned into his chest.

Lilith shrugged loosely, her tongue like lead in her throat.

He shifted her in his grasp, one hand running up and down her back and the other remaining tight around her shoulders. “You’re…” He paused, and Lilith was suddenly struck by dread. “You’re crying.”

What?

Her hands were wet.

She was crying. She was crying in front of someone else, which she had not done since she was a child.

Worse, it was Darius.

Darius, who had once been her best friend.

Who had been the only person by her side as she moved up the ranks of her coven.

Who had laughed with her after her initiation ceremony, and brought her food and water after hard missions.

Who had fallen quickly in love with the Golden Guard, and even more quickly into grief when he was gone.

Who had brushed Lilith off just before everything went wrong, and had stopped answering her calls and messages.

Who now never spoke to her without the clipped tone he used for all the coven heads.

Who, just like her parents, had all but thrown her away.

She wanted to tear herself away and shove him out of the room. She wanted to pull him close and never let him go.

She wanted to fall back asleep and never wake up, because Titan, she could not keep doing this.

Her lungs burned. “I—I c-can’t—I can’t be—”

“Lilith, it’s okay.” His voice was so soft, she wanted to scream.

Lilith could not understand what was happening—why Darius cared, why she was not moving, why her mind was so hazy, why she could not feel her hands or feet or stop fucking shaking—

“I n-n-need to—”

She had to get back to work and be productive and good, or else Belos would—

A gasping sob tore past her lips, and Lilith could no longer hide from the reality of it. She was falling apart like—like a fucking child, and—

I just want to sleep.

I just want to die.

She ducked her head lower, fists moving up to clench in her hair. Darius could not see her face, but he somehow hugged her tighter, hooking his chin over her head. “No. You need to rest, Lilith,” he told her quietly. Solemnly. “You need to eat. You need to—need to stop hurting yourself like this.” His voice was starting to sound just as…wrong as her own. Did she do that?

Maybe that should be her new life philosophy. She needed to stop messing up.

Her head was pounding. Tears stung dry skin as they fell. Lilith just wanted it to stop.

She was supposed to be better than this. The Emperor himself had chosen her.

The Emperor made a mistake.

I just want to be good again.

Breathing was hard. She found herself shaking once more—or had she never stopped?

I can’t do this I can’t do this I can’t do this—

“Lilith, please—” Darius was not supposed to sound so desperate. Lilith could not see his face, or anything else—when had her eyes slipped shut?

Titan, she was so tired.

She could not keep doing this. Not anymore.

I don’t want to live like this.

I have to keep going.

I don’t want to keep going.

She was supposed to be better than this.

I just want to die.

Lilith never knew it was possible to be so exhausted with life—so tired that the thought of waking up in the morning was agony. She never knew what her future had in store for her.

Darius was still talking to her, but Lilith could barely understand what he was saying. Fog clouded her mind and muffled her thoughts. Her breathing still hurt. She did not want to be awake anymore—she just wanted to be away.

How would her younger self view her now? Curled into Darius, crying like an overtired child—they had not been so close in so long.

Briefly, an image flashed in her head—two teenagers hiding in the back corner of the library. They shared so many secrets between those shelves. Darius shared his feelings for Alador, Lilith shared her lack of romantic interest in anyone, and both of them shared their fears and hopes for their futures in their covens. Although they would never admit it to anyone else, they made whispered promises to remain in contact, no matter what happened to the rest of their friends. No matter what their futures held.

And here they were now.

No one else was with them.

They never shared secrets anymore.

A hand on her face snapped her from her stupor and sent a shot of panic down her spine. She had no time to react before Darius pulled away slightly. Lilith blinked through blurry vision, mortified as Darius searched her face, even as tears were still slipping past her lashes.

“Lilith, breathe.”

She tried to listen to him. She tried to catch her breath. He set his hand on her shoulder, one arm still wrapped around her. His expression was dark enough to twist her stomach.

“Listen to me,” he said, quiet and deadly serious. Her teeth chattered and she hugged herself tightly but nodded, biting her lip to stifle her sobs.

It was only when she met his eyes that he continued. “You spent years working for this position. You studied. You trained. And you earned your spot, because the Emperor decided you were worthy.”

No—I got this position because I cursed my own sister.

Even Darius sounded bitter when he spoke, like he was agreeing with her without even knowing.

“But,” he continued, snapping her back to the present. “You…are still just one person.” He paused and cleared his throat, averting his eyes. She fought the urge to rub her own. “You need food, and hygiene, and rest. Taking time for those things isn’t a failure on your part.”

But that wasn’t—

She wasn’t—

He didn’t—

“You don’t get it!” she finally spit out with surprising force. “I—I was s-s-supposed to be better than this—I-I-I’m failing at—at my work, and no matter h-how much time I spend, I’m still just—just—”

I was such a promising young witch.

I had potential.

Now, I am nothing.

I just want to die.

She felt, more than saw, Darius stiffen.

“I…didn’t realize how bad things were,” he said quietly. She was not even sure whether she heard him correctly, but guilt bubbled up inside her nonetheless.

Just another way I fucked up.

The clock ticked on.

Finally, Darius sighed and pulled her back against him. “It’s late, and you’re too tired to understand what I’m saying. You might not even remember this conversation in the morning.”

Screwup.

“Just…get some rest. Please?”

Her head throbbed as cold abomination matter surrounded her, and she was surprised to find the scratchy fabric of her uniform replaced with soft pajamas that she had not worn in…a long time. Warm hands moved her into a reclining position and pulled heavy blankets over her, alleviating the worst of her trembling. Her breathing was heavy but steady, tears slowing as exhaustion took over.

Every sense filled with static, and Lilith realized with distant alarm that she was falling asleep.

But she did not even have the energy to feel ashamed—just a faint pulse of relief.

I can’t do this anymore.

A hand swept the hair away from her forehead, but she was already out.

~~~

Darius let out a heavy sigh as he stepped away, watching Lilith settle into an uneasy sleep. For a moment, he could do nothing more than listen to her heavy breathing soften. Not for the first time, guilt simmered inside him like an open flame.

He and Lilith had been friends. Best friends. They stood by one another as they rose through the ranks.

And then Jasper died.

Darius had never intended to abandon Lilith. But her blind loyalty to Belos put him off, first as he questioned the Emperor and later as the deep chasm of resentment tore open inside him. Lilith continued to obey Belos like a dog trailing after its master, and the idea of someone worshiping that awful man filled him with rage.

It was easier to brush her off. He never actually meant to hurt her.

His intentions did not matter here.

“I just want to die.”

Had she even realized she was talking aloud?

Watching the tears drying on her cheeks, Darius swore to do better. Even if Lilith kneeled before Belos and all but kissed his feet, he would do better. He would be kinder.

Tearing himself away from her bedside, he made his way to the door and threw her one last regretful glance.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “Get some rest, Lilith. Please.”

~~~

A/N: After four months, this is finally complete.

Also—if you are reading this between midnight and six in the morning, take the advice from Darius and go to sleep.

[theblackdog-taylorsversion]

just a reminder that anxiety attacks can be actually exhausting. fighting off your thoughts when they’re attacking you like that, it’s tiring. if someone’s had an attack please just let them rest, if only mentally (sit quietly, don’t expect conversation, don’t tell them important things or ask difficult questions). don’t push them. it’s the worst feeling, i wouldn’t wish it on anyone.