#anxiety has ruined my life fr

[hephaestn]

i wish the thought of traveling alone wasn’t as anxiety inducing as it is for me

[death-by-landmine]

lolllllllu that one twt nct sasaeng is looking sooooo relatable rn !! >.<

[fanderstuckin2018]

Another one!!

A PsychoAnalysis of Virgil Sanders’ Playlist

There is an EXTREME theme in most of Virgil's songs of growing apart from someone. Like I'm talking heavy themes of a messy falling out, and I think we all know what its referencing. But I'll save that to the end. Here's the songs analysis!

Theres a lot of emotions connected with the collapse of a relationship, and its demonstrated so in SO MANY of his songs, so I'll color-code it to make sense. Blue is sadness and regret, red is anger and frustration, yellow is relief. Keep in mind that these arent all the songs, just the ones that most support my theory/analysis.

Sally's Song: talks about being unable to be with someone romantically because of the lack of acknowledgement towards the singer. "What will become of my dear friend? Where will his actions lead us then?" It's mournful of the loss of connection that the singer once had with the subject of the song, like they're longing for it back. Yes ik this song was maybe just added because he likes Nightmare Before Christmas, but it fits into this theme quite well...

It Ends Tonight: Talking about ending a relationship, cutting someone off very messily. "Maybe it's best you leave me alone", "Now I'm on my own side/It's better than being on your side". Despite being more heated, I'd say this can also be a song of relief due to the lyric "a weight is lifted from my chest". ALSO the "darkness turns to light" lyric can directly reference Virgil, and how he essentially "transformed" from being a Dark Side to a Light Side over the course of his character arc.

I'd Hate to Be You When People Find Out What This Song is About: bro this one is RIPE with themes of fall out, as well as regret. The singer seems to have had a hand in this messy breakup or fall out with the subject of the song, and seems resentful of themself for it. "When I asked you/Believe me/You never let go/But I let go". They are conscious of their role in ruining this relationship, and seem to place most of the blame on themselves for it. "And now you're trying desperately/But I'm tongue tied and terrified of what I'll say" implies that they seem to want to get back with whoever they pushed away, but are too afraid of repeating the past to actually reconcile.

A Decade Under the Influence: this song seems to be about friend group issues. There's hints of good memories "You kept still until the long drive home/You slept safe and close to the window", and yet theres the underlying anxiety of "I got a bad feeling about this". Then there's the whole "To hell with you and all your friends" that repeats consistently throughout the song, as well as the lyric "I thought it through and my worst brings out the best in you" making me believe that the singer was probably the butt of the jokes or the most "replaceable" one within the friend group. I hesitate to categorize this song as "angry or frustrated" because it sounds more anxious and paranoid, but can also fall under relief with the context we have of Virgil's story; relief that he doesn't feel that way anymore.

I'm Not Okay: okay I get it this song was put on his playlist cause "haha Virgil emo" but I'm serious it also falls under this theme quite directly. And yes, its regret out of everything. "I never want to let you down/Or have you go, it's better off this way"; despite the singer not wanting their subject to be cut out of their life, its obvious they know its beneficial for both parties. There's a bit of relief as well as regret. I think this can also go along with Influence's themes of being the scapegoat of a friend group, because of the lyrics "forget about the dirty looks" and "You sing the words but don't know what it means/To be a joke".

Thnks Fr th Mmrs: Okay this one is my personal fav, I think Fallout Boy slaps. Anywasy, this song can be both heatedly passionate and relief, but I believe it better fits under relief. It seems like this event that happened is far enough in the past that the singer has come to terms with it. Specifically with the line "One night and one more time/Thanks for the memories/Even though they weren't so great". This can also be taken as sarcastically rather than genuine, and I think both fit Virgil's character well. The singer understands that what has happened has happened, and there's no way to change the past "I'm looking forward to the future." However, they still feel weighed down because of it "And this crystal ball/It's always cloudy except for/When you look into the past."

Ignorance: AAHHH THIS ONE IS MY ALL TIME FAV THANK YOU VIRGIL FOR INTRODUCING ME TO PARAMORE. Ahem. Okay. So I referenced this song in like my first post to this blog, but I think it's VERY obvious what Side this song refers to. I mean, take a guess: "Where's your gavel? Your jury?/What's my offense this time?", "The same tricks that, that once fooled me/They won't get you anywhere/I'm not the same kid from your memory", "Ignorance is your new best friend". Yeah this song is aimed towards Deceit/Janus 100%. This is a very anger-powered song and its clear that the singer holds immense hatred towards the subject. Deceit I believe is the best contender for this because of the entirety of SvS ("Where's your gavel? Your jury?"), and also because "ignorance" is something very intertwined to Deceit's character and his motivations. When we first meet him, one ofthe first things he says as himself is "what you don't know can't hurt you," which is a different way of saying "ignorance is bliss." Thus, "ignorance is your best friend". There's also references to the singer's past relationship with the subject, and it can be inferred that it was positive in some aspects, but ended up being toxic and repressing to them, thus why they left; "Yeah, we used to stick together/We wrote our names in blood/But I guess you can't accept that the change is good." I could go on and on about this song, but I think I've made my point.

The Ice is Getting Thinner: hooh boy. This one makes me sad. This song is about a relationship slowly dying, but both parties holding on to the relationship without really trying to salvage it. It seems that "change" was once again the reason for this drifting apart ("We're not the same, dear, as we used to be/The seasons have changed and so have we".) It's longing, just like Sally's Song, longing for how things used to be, even if what "used to be" wasn't healthy or beneficial for both parties; "it saddens me to say/But we both know, well, it's true/That the ice was getting thinner/Under me and you." It sounds almost like they are coming to a realization and acceptance of this.

OKAY SONG ANALYSIS DONE, HOW DOES THIS RELATE TO VIRGIL??

Well I think thats obvious. He's being eat up by these swarming emotions that surround his leaving of the Dark Sides. The fact that these make up 8 out of the 20 songs (and many more can be connected back to this theme of relationship fallout!) shows that it's been on his mind for a long time. If we go off of the implications of these songs, it seems that Virgil himself realizes that his leaving the Dark Sides was seen as some sort of betrayal, no matter the circumstances. He blames himself, he blames Janus, he's angry about their fall out but he also is relieved by it. No matter what happened, I believe that these feelings are going to come to a head one way or another. He needs to confront his past, and it seems that he wants to, but is also held back by his own anxiety over the situation (and his anxiety in general.) There's so much tension between him and Deceit/Janus specifically that is just bubbling beneath the surface that probably is going to erupt some time in the future and will drive a rift even further between the Light and Dark sides. In what way? I don't know....

~

hope you enjoyed :) virgil's playlist is my favorite out of all of the sides' and thats partially because I was an emo when it released HAHAH. I'm thinking of doing deceit's next, cause hes my fav character, and i just think its fitting lol. i also might redo roman's psychoanalysis bc i literally did that last night at midnight and I wanna add more evidence and direct quotes. im a nerd...i like writing essays XD

@thatsthat24 what do u think man did i do a good job 👀

[kc-rising]

WBW, YEAH! Since I've been thinking about it with my lair specifically (shhh, don't ask), do you happen to have a dragon that's just MESSED UP? Whether evil or just kind of demented, any which way you might imagine them to be! I'd love to know about them and what they've been up to!

Oh hell yeah, I love this ask, you have no idea! I am about to go off about My Fucked Up Guys™ (this isn't even all of them tbh, I just don't have thought-out lore of the others)

First, Kraigen. He's the commander of my clan leader's 'Swarm' (a group of Veils tasked with overwhelming and overpowering any threat to Zeare's life). Kraigen's Plague magic is very powerful and as a result has twisted his body and mind into something only vaguely resembling a Veilspun. He isn't what I would call evil, but he does enjoy causing pain. Before he joined the Outcasts he was a war priest, but when his previous clan discovered that he was experimenting on the bodies of his enemies rather than disposing of them they chased him out.

Aja is a member of the Neon Fangs Mafia. He has visions of the future that have ruined his mind to the point of insanity. The twist is that he only sees disasters, it can be of a place or a person and the Mafia exploits this for profit as often as they can. Aja doesn't mind, he had nowhere to go before they picked him up and he barely knows what's going on half the time anyway. They feed him and give him a place to sleep and only sometimes complain about his screaming and night terrors. (He is essentially meant to be Anxiety given form, always predicting the worst outcomes to things and unable to think of anything else)

Those Who Devour the Moon is a cult that exists in Coglight City alongside the Neon Fangs. Dannosa is the daughter of the leaders of the Those Who Devour the Sun cult (owned by @jedicreed-fr) and decided to spread it's message after she left home. The Cult's primary goal is to create their own Emperor. Her parents are trying to create one and so is she. They believe that Emperors are dragonkind's saviors. Some say she's close to reaching her goal, but those are probably just rumors...

Jarl, the Sand Nomads' big bag. He is Zahir's father and ruler of an Empire. When he was very young he discovered a book of black magic, written in an ancient language, and devoted most of his life to deciphering it. He finally managed to while Zahir was still a hatchling and discovered that his son's pearl was the key to everlasting power. From then on he focused on training Zahir in powerful magics, feeding the pearl more and more as he grew, at the same time he began snatching dragons no one would miss from the streets of his city. He drained these dragons of all their magic, killing them in the process, but it was never enough. Zahir was an adult by the time he lost his patience and allowed the magic of the book to fully corrupt him. Zahir and a small group of his followers are now on the run.

[conjured-osteon]

Hiatus

{-Kicks rocks an mumble grumbles- I SWEAR this account was fully intended to have more activity but I'll be going on a Hiatus till further notice. If curious, I've added more under the cut but to keep it short'n'simple; Rough start to the year that only continued hasn't helped my creativity an instead stressed me out. (Triggers in the Tags, just in case.)}

{Starting this explanation on a softer note, I find myself having a hard time focusing on my lovely characters an this blog. Not to say I'm intending to get rid of it! But when you get nervous trying to reach out to others or don't get responded to it can be a bit disheartening an I never know what to do as a plan B. (Plus I know we all have lives outside of this. I'm just an unfortunately nervous person an sometimes the Logical Thinking gets bopped by the What If's) But I also have Bouncing Interests so at times my drive will go from full throttle to Zero without any warning because something else has gripped me like a vice.

I have been desperately wanting to work on the blog but as mentioned above, lack of interaction kills the motivation an leaves it kinda stressful cause I dunno what I can do to do better, especially when not wanting to be a pester or bother anyone. Otherwise I HAVE met some wonderful people who are a delight to chat/plot with and I am so, so, so sorry I've been inactive the past month :'D I take responsibility for that radio silence of mine.

And onto rougher notes... New Years Eve I had to say goodbye to my childhood dog. She lived a good, long life an it's still upsetting not seeing her around after nearly 15 years. Holidays already grate me so the addition only made it worse and then some other details surrounding it just, made it especially bitter for me. I've suffered depressing/anxiety fueling dreams involving her almost every night since. Following as a few days ago; one of my cats passed away. Another example of old age but losing a pet never comes any easier over the years.

Around December is when my mental state really started taking a nosedive, one I thought was going to be a temporary thing seeing as I was working odd hours for events from my usual shifts, not resting or eating properly Truth be told I'm bad at that in general bUT, grieving over the approaching vet visit on top of other stressors that came during the Holiday season. A part of the mindset I was thinking it would pass was due to the fact I don't register things that have happened/are happening immediately, an so I just guessed I was having one of my delayed responses from other things and handling present stress... Cept, it continued on in waves for several weeks in comparison to a day or two. Aaaand earlier today while I was working, I got so stuck in my own head, so tightly wound up by meaningless thoughts, arguments with not purpose and physically over stimulated into self directed aggression by getting MF'in' hiccups that I ended up reaching out to a Cr!s!s Hotline when I found I couldn't even make myself contact friends/family. My strongest Rational and Logical Thought was I needed to talk to someone before my predicament made itself truly hazardous. Immediately after, I called my partner so he'd be aware. I'm doing better at the current moment, quite chilled out actually an I fully intend to bring this all up with my Therapist this week.

I hate worrying others and I falter to express what's going on due to the always hovering thought of I'm just looking for attention, or I'll be ruining another person's day because I'm being a child. Something I've struggled with for a long time that I'm hoping-- Trying, very hard to work through.

Soooo yeah- I guess this is me saying I need to step back for my mental health. I'm still so bummed out by having to do this but I really, really want this to be a fun space I can look forward too at the end of my day without my own nagging negativities getting in the way of it.

DMs will continue to be open but I'll be much more MIA from here than I was prior, this time with reason behind it.}

[erectedingold]

Life Update

Writing this on my phone, think i might rn getting a little sick 😓

but lots going on rn, started school & tbh as i get older i realize school ain’t that bad bro! im so thankful for my classes & i dropped a science class cause fuck science i hate that shit SO MUCH. but when i was doing that i mentioned in my email to my guidance counselor the college im wanting to go to & she says to me “you probably won’t get in your gpa isn’t there & your SAT scores aren’t there as well, maybe check out *college*”

first of don’t talk to me like that. i know academically i am far from great but my talent & ambition outweighs ALL of that. never tell an artist they can’t go to an art school they deadass don’t even have math classes there dude like who tf do you think you are? i know my talent & what i can & cannot do so don’t doubt me ever again bitch LMAO. second don’t tell me where YOU think i should go. like please. i am being so fr don’t ever tell me where i belong because ill go where i want. so watch yourself the next time you talk to me.

that whole interaction ruined my day. my whole life i’ve been doubted but i know who i am & what i can do.

but i wrote my essay & it’s amazing, & now im gonna get 2 letters of recommendation from my teachers. one from my english teacher & the other from my business teacher. then i got 2 open responses i need to write for & then i can send my applications. if i don’t get into this school im applying for in boston idk what ima do tbh, im applying to one in NY & one in NYC but like fuck bro i’d rather one here in boston especially when i have friends here. also applying to one in california 😴

but back to school, i think the older i get the more i realize how EASY shit is, my math is easy, my english is easy, intro to psychology easy, history is a joke, & my related class is easy. it’s just managing time in the class room like damn it makes me annoyed that my senior year of high school i don’t have anxiety with school anymore 😭 is what it is though that just makes this year easier for me 🙏

my new film is dropping tomorrow i’m really nervous for it i’ll be honest idk why, im afraid of it getting NO views but also it doesn’t matter it’s my art & im proud of it 😴 it don’t matter what anyone thinks because i do it for me 🤷 i make art because creating makes me feel alive. that’s what i do it for, i make because its second nature to me, it’s like breathing i don’t think about to at all it comes so naturally to me & im truly blessed to have my brain this way.

i hope everyone who views it can feel the passion though 🙏

I’m also not taking any disrespect anymore, i’ve been on my journaling shit & some more self development. i’m going to start reading more because i want to be a better writer & also expose myself to more challenging material. i’ve been watching more international films which has been on my list for a while, subtitles aren’t that scary guys! enjoy the art made around the world never let a language barrier stop you from that.

but also finally just more self discovery on my end & solidifying my boundaries whether people like it or not because i will NOT allow myself to be disrespected in my one life. idgaf if it’s just “jokes” because my perception is my reality & if your joke is disrespectful then shut the fuck up 🤷 i also won’t be giving my energy to people who don’t match or or appreciate me. you don’t deserve me. there some people who i show nothing but kindness & give the biggest helping hand to when needed & i don’t get that energy back so guess what im not trying anymore because you’re not worth my time. simple as that.

i’m not going to give pieces of myself to people who no longer deserve it. i know that i always have good intentions & share my kindness always & i will no longer allow myself to be a doormat. people have mistaken my kindness for weakness & i won’t let them mistake it anymore.

i don’t have to have everyone like me or respect me so boom if you don’t get out of my life i don’t need you because when i look in the mirror i love myself & respect myself & that’s all i need. as long as you have yourself you have somebody.

i’m also cutting out some bad habits that i started that have been damaging to myself. i deserve better because i love me.

i am proud of me & who i’m becoming. ive been making big changes this year & im telling you 2025 will be the year of diego. im manifesting it.

but yeah i’ve been getting closer with my dawg nathan much respect & love to him always. amazing & talented filmmaker who is my best friend dude & im happy me & him have gotten closer recently. we both got broken up with around the same time & we’ve talked like everyday since dude, the universe has plans for us. we’re gonna be great i can feel it.

&& speaking of universe that’s another thing. the universe has a plan for everyone including you reading 🙏 if you feel lost something will happen to bring you onto the right track of self discovery & self love. keep going even when it’s hard because the reward will be great. i have full trust that everything i manifest will come to life & i’ll reach all my goals.

thank you for reading this blog post, lots of changes in my life & i am human & experiencing & living & breathing & feeling emotions. thankful for my mind.

- Diego Muñoz

[chilling-seavey]

Dreamland (ln4) - Part Eight

↳ A/N Thank you all for so much love on this little silly story that I just jotted out in my free time! I really took a chance with posting this and the traction it's received has been incredible to see. We still have the epilogue ahead of us, but here is the final part of Dreamland <3 looking forward to hearing your thoughts!!

↳ Inspired By: 'Can We Pretend That We're Good' by Daniel Seavey

↳ Summary: Your secret relationship with Lando goes against everything your management demands and with the start of the new year - the year that is supposed to bring you both joy - everything feels as though it is crumbling around you all at once

↳ Pairings: Fanboy Lando Norris x Famous!Author!Fem!Reader (NO use of y/n), University Student Lando x Internet Friend George x Internet Friend Alex

↳ Word Count: 17.9k

↳ Warnings: 18+, NSFW, oral sex (m and f receiving), spanking, dirty talk, leaning into Lando's breeding kink fr, unprotected pregnant sex.

PART SEVEN || EPILOUGE

Lando stood in the archway to the living room, the carefully wrapped gift box clutched in his hands. Dinner had just been finished moments before and the dishes were put away and his family sat together in the light of the Christmas tree and side table lamps as they welcomed the last evening of the year together. Winter break had started two weeks earlier and since Lando had arrived home from university, he had been in a constant state of silent anxiety as he kept an important life-altering piece of information from his parents and his siblings that the passage of time did no favours in concealing. The longer he waited, the worse their reactions would be, he was sure.

You had told him often - almost daily - that he had to tell them soon that you were pregnant but every time he tried to, the moment didn’t feel right. For most of his young-adult life, his parents had constantly underestimated him and brushed him off and called his aspirations nothing more than empty dreams. Now, that he finally had his biggest dream come true - you - he was half terrified that his family was going to ruin it. He couldn’t stomach the idea of someone making him feel badly for finally getting what he had always prayed for. 

It was now New Years Eve and he knew he couldn’t go into the new year with such a weighty secret. 

“Lando!” his brother called, “Come on! We’re starting charades and we need you to even out the teams.” 

His brother and sisters and parents looked his way expectantly and Lando hesitated in the doorway, glancing down at the long gift box he held in his hands. He had spent hours and days pining over what to get his parents to break the news to them and with some spending money that he had put away from the funds he earned while working for you in Monaco that summer, he finally found something he thought was perfect. He still felt sick with nerves. 

“What do you have there, son?” his father asked. 

Lando shrugged shyly and then pushed himself away from the wall with a soft, “Just…a little something for you and Mum.” 

His youngest sister groaned, “Way to make the rest of us look bad with the extra gift.”

“It’s nothing like that.” Lando promised, “Not Christmas related.”

His mother smiled and held out her hands for the gift from her spot on the couch, “You’re a sweetheart, my boy.”

Lando held onto the box for a second longer as if knowing that once it was in her hands, there was no going back. His father shuffled closer to his wife to join her in opening their gift and Lando stood anxiously in front of them with his hands clasped in front of him. The rest of the Norris siblings peered around him to watch nosely as the parents untied the gold ribbon and took off the lid of the narrow box. 

The bottle of red wine was lifted from the tissue paper inside and his mother smiled, “Aw, Lando, that’s nice of you, honey.” 

“Read the label.” he whispered with a dry mouth. 

The room was quiet and he stared at his parents’ faces as they both read the floral patterned label that was applied to the side of the bottle. Their content expressions fell into confusion and shock. 

“What does it say?” his middle sister pressed. 

“Oh, fuck, mate, what did you do?” his brother groaned. 

Their father read the label out loud, “‘Pairs well with becoming grandparents. Baby Norris coming this Spring.’”

Silence. 

Lando swore the level his anxiety was at had made him go deaf because he had never heard his house that quiet in his entire life. He swallowed thickly. It sounded like it echoed across the living room. 

The way his parents were looking at him, Lando couldn’t tell what they were feeling. With flat expressions, his father’s eyebrows furrowed and his mother’s face having gone a little pale, they just didn’t say anything. Lando would have rathered yelling. 

His brother’s sudden snort of laughter broke the silence followed by his two younger sisters snickering from behind him. Lando didn’t move, narrowed in on only his parents despite the comedic nature of his siblings. 

“Didn’t know this was April fools.” his brother said, making the other two laugh again. 

“It’s not a joke.” Lando said softly. 

His mother blinked at him, “Huh?”

His father let out a nervous little chuckle, “Really? You can’t be serious.”

“Why would I joke about this?” Lando asked. 

“Who’s pregnant?” his mother inquired. 

His brother teased to the other siblings, “Lando is.”

They burst into giggles of laughter again. 

Ignoring the obvious immaturity and facetious remarks of his siblings, Lando gestured to the box, “There’s something else in there.”

His mother reached in and pulled out the small piece of paper that housed the most recent ultrasound that you had sent him a copy of. The black and white image clearly showed a growing baby to the point where you could easily make out a head, arms, legs like it was almost a photograph. Your name was printed in the top left corner. 

His parents’ eyes shifted from your name to Lando’s face as he stood in front of them and desperately tried not to throw up. The paper was turned around to the outstretched hand of his sister and the siblings leaned in to look. 

“That’s photoshop.” his brother announced. 

Lando snapped, “It’s not.” 

“Lando…” his father started. 

“She’s pregnant.” Lando spoke the words out loud for the first time ever. “And it’s mine. And after I graduate, I’m moving to Monaco to be with her and the baby.”

“Lando…” his mother tried.

“Lando’s in dreamland again.” his middle sister sang. 

“Stop.” Lando glared at his giggling siblings. “This isn’t funny. Stop thinking that I’m some stupid kid who can’t make a life for himself how he wants.”

“This is what you want?” his father pressed. “You want to be a father at twenty-two?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, Lando, you can’t be serious.” his father laughed humorlessly, “You’re still a child yourself! You’re seriously telling us that you got this girl pregnant? The girl that you might as well have a shrine for in your room? The one you’ve been stuck in clouds about for months?”

“We were seeing each other in Monaco when I was there working for her company.” Lando explained, “I couldn’t tell you because no one was supposed to know but…”

“So she, as your professional superior, took advantage of you as her intern?” 

“No.” Lando cut in quickly, “It was nothing like that.”

“Sure sounds like it to me.”

“We…” Lando ran his hand through his hair as his flushed cheeks expressed his stress and his slight embarrassment as he admitted, “We were sleeping together even before I worked for her.” 

His youngest sister snorted from where she was leaning forward against the couch beside him, “Not possible. She was on tour. You told us.”

Lando glared at her, “When I saw her on tour, you idiot.”

She put her hands up in defence. 

His mother tried to reason with him, “We haven’t even met or spoken to this girl.” 

“So?” Lando snapped, his heart racing, “Just because you haven’t met her suddenly means I’m lying? She’s a New York Times Bestselling Author; she’s busy. She’s pregnant and busy and I would have liked if my family actually offered me some sort of support for once rather than looking at me like I’m a fucking loser! Why do you hate me to be happy?”

“We’re just saying…consider your options.” his father said as gently as he could. “You’re still young.”

Lando was right there with his stern response, “She’s twenty weeks along. Our options have long been considered. We’re having this baby and if you don’t want to be a supportive part of it, then I’m gone.”

“Lando-” his father called after him as he stepped over his wide-eyed siblings and stormed out of the room without a look back. 

Fighting tears, Lando heaved himself up the stairs and right to his room, slamming the door behind him just in time for the sob to overtake him. He pressed his hand to his mouth to try and keep himself quiet, his whole body trembling with adrenaline and frustration as he sat himself down on the side of his bed and did the only thing he knew to do when the troubles of his family got to him. 

landonorris: They took it badly georgerussell63: What?! How?! alex_albon: Oh fuck alex_albon: What did they say? landonorris: They literally didn’t believe me landonorris: My siblings laughed in my fucking face and after convincing them that I didn’t make this up my parents basically accused her of abuse of power over me and pushed ‘other options’ at me like I would EVER think of getting rid of the baby I prayed so long for landonorris: It was supposed to be a happy moment and it was miserable and now I’m just crying in my room  landonorris: I want this semester to be done and I want to start my life with her alex_albon: Damn mate :/ I’m sorry alex_albon: That really sucks georgerussell63: Wow I mean I’ve heard of parents being upset from news like this but straight up not believing you is new alex_albon: Honestly georgerussell63: I don’t even know what to say mate alex_albon: You know that we’re happy for you more than anyone else and we’ll always be here for you georgerussell63: Btw have you decided on godparents yet alex_albon: George omfg alex_albon: Not the time alex_albon: (but it’s definitely me) landonorris: I can’t even think about that right now I can hardly breathe alex_albon: Hey hey hey alex_albon: It’s okay, take some deep breaths georgerussell63: She loves you and that’s all that really matters here, right? landonorris: Yeah landonorris: I can’t wait to get to her alex_albon: She’s all yours landonorris: Still hard to believe sometimes georgerussell63: I know!! To me too georgerussell63: You’ve only been talking about her for months and years and decades alex_albon: Manifesting works 🫡 landonorris: Can we change the subject? I think I need to distract my brain georgerussell63: Sure mate what did we want to talk about landonorris: Alex how’s it going with Lily? alex_albon is typing…

The knock at Lando’s bedroom door interrupted his conversation and he looked up as his mother cracked open the door and peeked in. He sighed at the sight of her, knowing that another exhausting conversation was about to ensue.

“Can I come in?” she asked. 

He shrugged but didn’t decline. 

She came inside and gently closed the door behind her, carrying two stemless wine glasses filled with a little taste of red wine each, and she sat down beside her youngest son, offering one out to him. Lando locked his phone and set it to the side so he could take the glass without so much as a thanks.

“Thought we should give that wine a try.” she said, “And it seemed like you might need some.” 

Lando barely cracked a smile and raised the glass up to take a sip of the rich bitter drink. 

“We’re not upset with you, if that’s what you’re thinking.” she explained cautiously, “We were just…very, very surprised.” 

“I’m not lying.” Lando stated flatly. 

“I know. I didn’t say you were. You have given me no reason to believe you would be lying about this.” 

Lando swirled the wine around the bottom of his glass haphazardly, not wanting to look at her. 

His mother continued, “Do you want to tell me about how this all came to be? You and this girl and how come I knew nothing about it? You always used to tell me everything.”

“I felt stupid when I told you guys anything about her.” Lando admitted quietly. “She was always just so unattainable in all of your eyes and you constantly made me feel like I wasn’t ever going to be worthy of her. Even when I tried to tell you about the job, you guys just laughed at me. It’s like I’m never good enough for you and especially not when I’m making my own path and finding someone who is literally the girl of my dreams.”

“It was never my intention to make you feel like you couldn’t talk to me. I know your siblings are hard on you sometimes…you’ve always been so sensitive despite your tough shell and thus an easy target for them…but you should always feel welcome to tell me anything. I’m your mother. I love you no matter what.”

Lando sniffled and finally looked over at her, “I hated keeping all this from you, Mum.” 

His mother smiled sadly and wrapped her arm around his back to pull him close. With a kiss to the top of his head, she asked, “Can you tell me about her? You met on her tour, right?”

A little smile grazed Lando’s face at the simple offer of being able to talk about you, “Yeah. I waited in line for almost hours and when she signed my book…I just had to offer some Bristol restaurants and one thing led to another in this conversation and she ended up taking me up on my offer to show her a good place. We went to Giovanni’s.”

“Always your favourite.” his mother gave him a squeeze. 

“And it was all I could hope for. She’s so amazing. She’s just a person, Mum. I always knew that but everyone else doesn’t…they always hold her to such high standings and pressures and I think I was the first person to really see her for her.” Lando tapped his finger against the rim of the glass nervously, “And…we slept together that night.”

“I see.” his mother’s slightly amused tone had Lando biting back his blushing smile at his confession. It wasn’t horribly drastic to admit since they must have known from his pregnancy announcement but telling his mother when he lost his virginity was nevertheless slightly embarrassing. 

“And we’ve talked almost every day since.”

“So when you came home for summer break…”

Lando nodded as he sat up straight again, “Yeah. We were talking.”

“And that’s how you got the internship.” 

“Yeah.” Lando took a sip of his drink again before continuing, “Although the internship was more of a coverup for an excuse to spend the summer together. I did work and I did get paid for the work but no one other than her closest friends and mine could know. Her entire team had no clue about us.”

“Not even your mother.”

Lando assured her easily, “Or hers. But not that you guys here would have ever believed me. Dad was ready to file a lawsuit the second I told you that it happened in the summer.”

His mother set her hand on his arm, “You let me handle your father. You know how set in his ways he can be. He just sees your potential and wants you to make the most of it.”

“I don’t want to be an accountant, Mum.” Lando admitted strongly, “I’m going to finish my degree and make the most of all the money that you and Dad were kind enough to give me for school, but I don’t see myself there. Not at all.” 

His mother just listened as he let his bottled up thoughts tumble out.

“The only thing I strived for these last four years was to get to her and that sounds so ridiculous, I know, but it’s true. I worked so hard to be able to get to where I am now and no money or time or anything could have gotten me there as diligently as my own determination and I did it and I love her so much, Mum. She’s my whole heart and thensome and all I’ve wanted in life. I have prayed and prayed for her for months and almost years and she’s even better than I had ever dreamed. And to have a baby with her?”

Lando was beaming despite the tears that shimmered in his eyes and he looked everywhere but at his mother from the overwhelming emotions that pulled at his chest. 

“God,” Lando chuckled wetly, “I still can’t believe it. I keep pinching myself just waiting to wake up because all of this is too good to be true. Everything that I have prayed for and worked so hard for is mine. She is mine and we are having a baby. I’m gonna have a baby, Mum; a baby as perfect and beautiful as she is.” 

“Oh, my Lando.” his mother smiled through her own brimming tears and pulled him in for a hug. Right away, he was melting into her arms and let out a relieved sob that came with the weight of his words and feelings that had been lifted from his shoulders. She held him close and rubbed his back and spoke to him softly, “You are in love, my boy. I see it in your eyes and hear it in your voice and it is all around you.”

Lando could only choke out a little, “Yeah.”

“If this baby came from a place of love, then no one can take that away from you.” she whispered. “I just wish you told us sooner so we could help you. She’s twenty weeks, you said?” 

Lando nodded as he sat back from their hug and she wiped his cheeks free of tears with her thumb. 

“My silly boy.” she tisked, “You don’t have to do this all on your own.”

“She’s all on her own, Mom.” Lando admitted, his voice trembling, “Her whole family is in a different country. She’s in that city on her own with the pressure of the paparazzi and her management and PR already gave her a really nasty warning that she is to not be seen with me because it’s bad for her image because the public is going to think like Dad thought about her using me and…”

“Okay,” his mother set her wine glass down on his bedside table so she could have two hands to hold his face in her warm palms, “I’m going to help you figure things out. Let me talk to your father and-”

“No. He’s just going to judge me like he always does.” 

“Your father loves you.” she told him. “Immensely. Maybe he holds you on a pedestal as high as the world holds this girl of yours and maybe that’s wrong of him. I will talk to him. Don’t worry.” 

Lando nodded. 

The sudden ringing of his phone pulled them out of their moment and Lando immediately turned to grab his phone from beside him on the bed and saw that you were FaceTiming him. He didn’t have to say anything as his mother saw your name on his screen - punctuated with an orange heart emoji - and she ran her fingers through his hair and pulled him in to kiss his cheek. 

“Love you.” she whispered before getting up to give him his privacy. 

“Love you.” Lando replied with a sniffle and wiped his eyes so as to not be caught crying by you when he answered the call. 

His mother paused in the doorway for a moment and before leaving, she said, “Tell her I say hello.” 

Lando grinned and nodded. 

The door closed behind her and he answered your call to catch it before the ringing stopped and he shuffled back on his bed a little more comfortably as your call connected. Soon, your face appeared on his screen and he smiled widely. 

“Hey, you.” you said, your voice a little choppy as your connection worked to stabilize itself. 

“Hey.” Lando replied gently. He took a second to stare at you on the screen of his phone with you in your hoodie and messy clipped back hair.

“You took a while to answer. Did I interrupt something?”

“No, not really.” Lando shrugged, “Was just talking to my mom. She says hi.”

Seeing your face break into a grin at that statement had Lando smiling right back at you.

“Oh. Tell her I say hello back.” you answered, “Does this mean you told them?”

Lando nodded, “Yeah. I did.”

“Oh gosh.” you shifted on your bed to literally sit forward with nervousness, “How did they take it?”

“Honestly? Really bad at first.” Lando sighed, “I was ready to pack up and leave. They thought I was lying.”

Your eyes widened, “Lying? Why?”

“Because it’s you. And they know you as this unattainable girl I have been pining after for months.”

You smiled fondly at him, “Aww.”

“But Mum came upstairs after and talked it out with me and I told her everything and she’s more than willing to be there for us every step of the way. It feels like such a relief.”

“Oh, I’m so glad.” you sighed, “I want to meet your family soon.”

“At least my mom.” Lando said, “The rest might take a little while to simmer down after today before I will let them anywhere near you.”

“Protective Lan.” you teased. 

“Always protective over you.”

You giggled sweetly and leaned back comfortably on your bed. 

“How’s baby?” he asked. 

“Wanna see?”

“Yes, please!” 

You shifted on your bed and lifted up the hem of your hoodie to show off your growing stomach, angling your phone down so he could see. Lando habitually moved his phone closer to his face as if needing a better look and he grinned ear to ear at the sight of that visible curve over your belly. You pushed the waistband of your pyjama shorts down a little farther so the full sight of your abdomen was on display for the camera and your hand rubbed over it in happy circles. 

“Here’s baby!” 

Lando absolutely swooned, “Our little sweet potato!” 

“Yeah!” you smiled and turned the phone back to your face, “Baby’s been really wiggling around in there this week. It feels so weird.”

“Maybe he or she is enjoying all those Christmas treats.”

“Maybe…I can’t get enough of those cream cheese cookies my family makes. They’re like crack. Maybe I gave baby a sugar rush.”

You shared little laughter through your respective phones. 

“But we’re okay.” you said, finally answering his question, “We miss you.” 

“I miss you too. I can’t believe I haven’t seen you in person since early October.”

“I know.” you sighed, “It’s not fair.” 

“That’s okay.” he said, “Only means our reunion will be even better.”

“I can’t wait to kiss you.” you admitted shyly. 

Lando broke into a grin, “Me too. The second I see you, I’ll be kissing you like my life depends on it.” 

“Maybe it does.” you giggled. 

“Feels like it. I’m, like, going through withdrawal.” 

“Aw, me too.” you smiled, “Lando withdrawal. Worse than any drug, I’m sure.”

“Not that we’d know.”

“No. But we can assume.” 

“Educated deductions.”

“Of course. We are very educated after all. My man is going to come home with a whole degree.” 

Lando nodded, “Working hard for you and our little sweet potato.” 

You tilted your phone back down your body to show your hand on top of your modest bump, “And we are very proud of you.” 

“I love you so much, I can’t get over it. Feels like my heart is going to explode.” Lando breathed. 

“Oh!” you shot up in your bed, “Wait, I have to show you what I got from my aunt for Christmas!” 

Lando laughed lightly, “Can you tell me you love me too?”

You stopped suddenly and looked right at your phone, staring at him through the camera like he was ridiculous to ask, “I love you too. Always.”

Lando smiled, “Okay, show me what you got.”

He watched happily as you gave him a little tour of your few things you received in the prior few days of celebrations and you told stories about being back home for the holidays. You told him you couldn’t wait to show him where you grew up and the places that inspired your books and your goals…and to introduce him to your family cat who came into the camera at one point and flicked her tail in your face. Life felt so good with you, even if he couldn’t physically be with you. That time would come soon enough. 

There was nothing you would rather have been doing to ring in the new year than FaceTiming him. As a little virtual party for two (three, if you counted your unborn baby), you counted down the final few seconds together until the clock rang at the hour. Lando stared fondly at your sleepy smile as you laid on your side on your bed back home, and you wished each other a happy new year. 

“New year, new us.” Lando proclaimed.

You smiled softly at him through the phone. 

There was a pause as you just stared at each other and Lando tried not to let the melancholy look on your face completely break his heart. He rolled over onto his stomach, still holding his phone in two hands, trying not to let his own heartache show. 

“Don’t be sad, sweetheart. We’re having a baby this year.”

A small smile pricked at the corner of your mouth and you let out a soft, “I know.” 

“And now both our families know…and I’m going to be with you soon.”

You sniffled and rolled onto your side on your bed, replying softly, “Yeah.”

“I love you so much.”

“I love you too.” you sighed to the ceiling, “I just wish this year could be easier. I just know it’s going to get harder.”

“Management?” 

“Yeah.”

“Fuck them.”

You chuckled faintly, just trying to humour him.

“Don’t let those dickheads ruin our year and the excitement of having our baby.”

“I’m trying.” you mumbled. “I don’t want to tell them I’m pregnant but at the same time I feel like I need to tell them. They might be able to guide me on how to go about this in public but they might also…be mean about it.” 

“No one is mean to you on my watch.”

Lando’s defence was cute but you knew he was more the passive type, comforting you after the fact rather than sticking up for you. That was fine. He wasn’t used to the industry anyway and the worst thing would be him accidentally making things worse. His comfort was more than you could ask for anyway. It was more than you were used to. 

“Y’know,” you said, discreetly desperate to change the subject, “you’re my greatest blessing to come out of the last year.”

Lando grinned ear to ear, “Right back at you, my dream come true.”

“I can’t wait until you can come home.”

“Soon, sweetheart. Just keep kicking Monaco’s ass until then. I’ll be back with you before you know it.”

As far as Lando knew, you were living life no differently: still that impressive best-selling author with a glass framed office and a bathtub full of money; your kick-ass personality virtually untouchable. In reality, you were at an all time low. Ever since October when that picture of you and Lando together was posted online by some stranger, management had forbidden you from seeing each other and between that and your balancing act of pregnancy hormones that you were trying your damnedest to suppress, you felt miserable. 

Walking around on eggshells every time a member of your management or PR team came into the office was growing increasingly difficult as the weeks went by and your baby grew larger and larger inside you. It was getting harder to hide and you were terrified of what their reaction would be if they ever found out. So you ended up working from home all to avoid it. All you really had to do was write and the few meetings you had to join you could do so virtually, so you faked an illness and kept yourself cooped up in your million dollar Monaco apartment all by yourself. Well, you and your unborn baby who kept you company with those fluttering little wiggles inside you. 

What started as a few days of working at home turned into a nearly permanent relocation after winter break. The moment you landed after Christmas and New Years, you hightailed it right to your house and didn’t leave for days in fear of someone finding out your secret. The iron fist of your management would be worse than the public’s ridicule, you were sure. There was nothing to do but avoid, avoid, avoid. 

Your friends were starting to grow worried. You still texted them and video chatted with them, but you were different and they could sense it. It was as if your anxiety could be felt through the screen. They knew you better than anyone - and even better than Lando, although no one would admit that to him - so by the time two weeks had passed since you had returned to Monte Carlo and you hadn’t stepped foot out of your house even to visit them, your friends were ready to stage an intervention. 

The knock on your front door pulled you out of your trance as you sat on your living room couch with your feet up on the coffee table. You were in sweat pants and a hoodie with the hem of the sweater pushed up to your chest so your modest round belly was on display and you were rubbing it like it was a magic-8 ball with the powers to cure your writer's block. The front door felt ages away so you didn’t even bother to look over at it when you heard the knock, too comfortable in your cozy cocoon on your couch, your body’s imprint nearly dented into the cushions from the days you had spent there. 

Your laptop’s text cursor blinked mockingly at you from your screen and you stared back at it, melancholy. There was another knock on your door and then the doorbell rang right after and you frowned as you glanced over at your foyer but didn’t make a move to get up. You were twenty-two weeks pregnant after all; getting up from the couch felt like climbing a mountain. The sound of the doorbell had made your growing baby wiggle around inside you and you rubbed your warm hands over your belly to calm them.

When you thought you were in the clear from the mysterious caller at your door, the bell rang again, multiple times, in quick succession. You groaned and heaved yourself up from the couch, just wanting the noise to stop. 

“Fuck, I’m coming…I’m coming.” you grumbled, pulling your hoodie back down to hide your baby from your unwelcome visitor. 

When you opened the large front door, your four best friends stood bunched together on your front step: Oscar, Lily, Charles, and Max. They all grinned at the sight of you and you just scowled. 

“What?” you sighed. 

Charles pushed past you to welcome himself into your house and the other three followed as he announced, “We missed you and you were being strange in your messages so we came to cheer you up.”

“I’m fine, Charlie.” you closed the door behind them and crossed your arms tightly.

Oscar eyed the empty takeout containers that littered your kitchen island, “Clearly you’re not.”

“I’m growing a whole human…it’s tiring. I’m tired.” you shrugged. 

“Is that why you’re not coming into work?” Oscar asked, “Because it’s hard to be an assistant to someone who isn’t there.”

“Yeah.” you answered flatly, sitting yourself down at one of the stools at the island with a habitual hand magnetizing to your belly. “I just don’t want to be out there right now…around people. Now that I’m showing...”

“Well it makes sense you feel like that but you can’t let your fear control you.” Lily countered, “You’re sitting here alone for days on end eating junk food…when was the last time you saw sunlight?”

“When I opened the door to you four.” you answered under your breath. 

“If you’re feeling like this, why don’t you stay with Max and me?” Charles offered. “We have the guest room…you’re always welcome. Then you don’t have to be all alone.”

“I can’t.”

“Sure, you can. It’s no trouble.”

“I don’t wanna leave my house.” you pouted, pulling your sleeves over your hands as you stared at your lap, “It reminds me of Lando here.”

“Lando’s not gone.” Oscar reminded you, “He’s going to be back with you soon.”

You retorted quietly, “And when he is, management is going to know that we haven’t cut ties.”

Max sighed and stepped forward, having observed your interactions since you had opened the door, and he set one hand on the island countertop beside you. He nudged your chin with his other hand and you reluctantly looked up at him with a frown. 

“You’re going to have to rip off the bandaid at some point.” he said, always the realist when it came to your work. It was how you connected most through being in similar public careers and you treasured his wisdom and advice like a big brother. “You’re going to have to sit down with your team and tell them how it’s going to be.”

“I have a contract.” you protested weakly. 

“Re-work it to fit everyone's needs. Talk to Pierre. Get him on your side so you can team up.”

Lily spoke up, “Pierre knows just as much as management knows.”

Max added, “And he wants out of this ridiculous deal as much as you do.”

“He won’t risk his career for me.” you explained, “If this PR relationship is what keeps him afloat then he’s not going to risk it.” 

“You won’t know that for sure unless you ask.”

You groaned and slumped down into your arms on top of the island, “I can’t do this. My body aches and I’m tired and I miss my boyfriend and I hate my life.”

Charles grabbed your arm, “And you’ve been staring at the same white walls for two weeks and that does not help. We’re taking you out…to get a proper meal and to get some mental stimulation.” 

“I can’t go out there.” you frowned. 

“Yes, you can.” Lily gestured to your hoodie, “No one can tell.” 

“Under this?” you pinched the fabric, “When do I ever go out in hoodies?”

“You look nice.” Oscar offered. 

You sent him a disbelieving glare to which he just shrugged.

“Then just put on jeans,” Charles offered a compromise, “and let’s go.”

Your friends had a way of convincing you to do things that no one else was able to and you lugged yourself down the hallway to your room to change into the new pair of maternity jeans that came in the mail the other day. Charles and Oscar were cleaning up your kitchen when you returned from your room but no audible thanks had to be shared, your little sheepish smile said enough. They were too good to you. 

In the driveway was Max’s black Genesis SUV and he unlocked it with a chirp of the key and he opened the passenger door for you. You hesitated and glanced at Charles who just shrugged as he climbed into the backseat with your other two friends. 

“You get priority because you are with child.” he said. 

“Wow, you are all treating me like royalty.” you gushed and climbed into the expensive leather seat. “I should be depressed more often.”

“Ha ha.” the three chorused sarcastically from the backseat.

When Max got behind the wheel, he slid on his designer sunglasses and turned the key in the ignition, “All set?”

With a trio of “yes!” from the back, you joined in with a, “I don’t know where we’re going, but sure!” 

It seemed the four of them had planned a whole little afternoon for you, starting with lunch at an upscale restaurant in the city to which Max paid for you and Charles while Oscar and Lily covered themselves. On the way back to the car, you told him he didn’t need to do that but Charles just linked his arm in yours and told you that he insisted. 

You had to admit it was a little nerve wracking being out in public and every time you felt the flutter of life move inside you, you tensed up as if everyone around you could tell. But no one ever looked up. Despite the comfort that your little group brought, you found yourself texting Lando on your way to your next destination. 

-Hi you <3 I miss you

As he often did, he answered almost right away, 

landonorris: Hi my love! I miss you too landonorris: How is your day? -It’s nice. My friends are taking me out somewhere fun for a surprise…although our group feels a little funny without you landonorris: Aww 🥰 landonorris: Glad they are keeping my two favourite people busy in my absence landonorris: Taking good care of you? -They always do -FT later? landonorris: Yep! 8:00 like always? -Can we do 7? I can’t wait that long landonorris: Of course baby 🧡 landonorris: Go enjoy your day now 🧡 -🧡🧡

“Sappy.” Lily sang over your shoulder as she spied on your messages. 

You held your phone to your chest shyly, mumbling defensively, “Not nice to peek.” 

“Yeah, he could have sent an inappropriate picture.” Oscar added. 

“Ew!” Lily laughed as she sat back in her seat with Charles shaking his head with an amused smile between them. Max sent him a little smirk through the rearview mirror at the constant joking that occurred within your close knit group. 

The Nouveau Musée National de Monaco was your surprise destination and you couldn’t help but let an excited smile come to your face at the sign that you passed into the parking lot. Your friends knew you too well and a quiet, peaceful day admiring artwork was something that you didn’t know you needed until you were there. 

And peaceful it was as you navigated the exhibits together in a little herd, admiring painting after sculpture with your hands behind your back because otherwise you kept gravitating to touch your stomach. Your friends gave your sleeve a discreet tug every time you made that slip up. The five of you shared whispers here and there about what piece you were looking at, what you liked best, and even shared a few jokes when they were relevant (mostly pointing to the most ridiculous looking subjects and saying “that’s you”). You felt calm for the first time in a while. 

Well, until management called. 

When you didn’t answer his 7:00 FaceTime call, Lando figured you were just busy with friends and lost track of time. But when you didn’t answer his good night message or his good morning message, he started to get worried. His eyes were fixed to his phone as he got ready for class in the morning, your text thread opened with his unread messages staring back at him, his heart thudding hard in his chest as worst-case-scenarios flashed through his mind. 

He couldn’t be blamed for triple and quadruple texting you throughout the morning, desperate for some sort of response. But even your friends weren’t answering him when he asked them if you were okay and by then Lando was ready to call every hospital in Monaco before his first class of the day even started. With his coat on and backpack over one shoulder, Lando stood at his desk and typed one last message to you, pleading for an answer until he nearly made himself sick with worry. 

The sudden incoming call with your management office’s name across the screen had Lando’s eyes widening. Never had he spoken to your management before as all correspondence went through you. He glanced up at the black and white sonogram that was tacked to his bullet board over his desk as he answered the call and raised his phone to his ear, class forgotten. 

“Hello?”

A strong male voice broke through the line, “Is this Lando Norris?”

He swallowed, “Yeah. Who’s asking?”

“This is Ennis from the Monaco Literary Talent Agency. Are you available to come to our office for a critical meeting this week?”

“Well…I actually have class. And I’m in England.” Lando tried to keep his voice steady and he sunk onto his desk chair, “What is this about?”

“You’re still romantically involved with our client and that has only created a huge problem for us and the PR team here at the office. We need everyone to convene as soon as possible to tackle the issue before it hits the press and smother this before it blows up in our faces. Since you are a part of this and ultimately causing lapses of judgement for our client and her responsibility that came with her signature on her contract, we’re going to need you to sit in on this meeting too or there will be legal repercussions.” 

Lando’s face was pale, “When?”

“As soon as possible. Today. Your flight and accommodations will be paid for.”

“I have class. I can’t just-”

“We will get our lawyers involved if you don’t cooperate. Is that what you want us to do, Lando?”

He shook his head before realizing he had to answer out loud. “No. No, I can come. That’s fine.” 

“Good. We will have a driver waiting for you. Gate 2. Please be prompt.” 

“Okay.” Lando jumped in again before he could be hung up on, “Is she okay though? She hasn’t answered me. I’m worried if she’s okay.”

There was a beat of silence and then the manager answered him flatly, “It was not to her benefit to be in correspondence with you until this matter is settled. She is fine.”

The line went dead.

Lando slowly lowered his phone from his ear, his mouth dry, and he stared at the black and white sonogram in front of him for a moment. When he swore he was about to cry, he looked away again and got up from his desk chair to exchange his backpack for a suitcase. The threat of legal action against him was honestly not the biggest of his concerns as his heart ached with the concept of what they could be holding you with in that very moment. He only hoped that they were gentle on you; the last thing you needed was excess stress for both yourself and the baby. 

When Lando boarded the bus to the airport, he had a private message waiting for him from Alex. 

alex_albon: Hey Lan - have you heard from Lily recently?? She hasn’t answered me since yesterday  landonorris: Yeah I was just about to message you. The group is in trouble with management and I got called to Monaco like NOW and was literally threatened with legal action if I didn’t go so 🙃 I’m on my way to airport now alex_albon: Wtf??  alex_albon: You’re joking landonorris: Nope. And idk what I’m walking in on either. Idk what information they have or what they know or why all of them aren’t allowed to talk to me or by extension, you landonorris: I’ll tell you more when I know more. I promise alex_albon: Please do alex_albon: And be safe and sane okay alex_albon: Text me or call me if you need anything  landonorris: Fly to Monaco? Lol alex_albon: Omg I would if I could, mate alex_albon: I’m sending you strength. You got this!! landonorris: I love you so much dude alex_albon: Love you too!! 

The entire flight to the Nice airport was near torture for Lando and especially so since you couldn’t answer him and he had virtually no clue what he was going to be walking into. The sunny Mediterranean welcomed him gladly - a cruel irony - and he walked through the airport with his suitcase and backpack unsure how long he would be staying. Just like when he first flew to Monaco to visit you at the beginning of the prior summer, a dark dressed man was waiting for him at the arrivals gate with a sign bearing his name on it. 

Neither of them spoke a word as the driver loaded his bags in the car for him and Lando buckled up in the backseat, nervous to break the tense silence around the stony-faced man. The drive to the office was tense and Lando felt like his shirt was suffocating him, constantly tugging at the collar. He wondered if he should have changed before coming; he had panic packed after his phone call from your manager and thus didn’t even think about changing out of his school clothes of a grey t-shirt and jeans. He silently cursed himself for being so foolish and not thinking ahead. He couldn’t give your team one more reason to dislike him. 

Your office building was all too familiar to him and Lando was let out on the curb with his suitcase and the driver drove off without any further instructions. On his own on the bustling street of downtown Monte Carlo, Lando peered up at the building and tried to calm his nerves by reminding himself that he was hopefully moments away from seeing you after so long. Better circumstances would have been preferred but he took what he got. 

The floor of your office was eerily quiet for a weekday around early afternoon and the secretary glanced up at him from her desk when he stepped out of the elevator. 

“Lando,” she greeted quietly, “They’re waiting for you in the conference room.”

He nodded at her politely in understanding, his mouth too dry to even think about forming words, and he walked around the partition into the main office space. Most of the desks were empty as if the team had been told to go home early for the day but a handful of employees were gathered at the far end and typing away together while whispering amongst themselves. Lando didn’t spare them more than a brief glance from across the office on his way past, even as they obviously stared at him. Your glass framed corner office was empty too and he passed by it to turn down the hallway that was lined with the meeting rooms, heading towards the large conference room at the opposite end of the floor. 

The large cherry wood table housed a large number of people, half of whom Lando didn’t recognize, but your four best friends as well as Pierre and yourself were at one end together, looking like kids who had been caught with their hands in the candy jar. Frightened, ashamed, awaiting their punishment. The rest of the table was taken up by men in suits with a few well dressed women among them and Lando assumed it was your management team. He took a deep breath before pushing open the door to the crowded room, earning all eyes to look at him. 

He hated being the centre of attention but to him, you were the only one in that room at that moment and your eyes shone at the sight of him. Even with Pierre at your side - a sight that would have normally sent Lando’s fight or flight instinct going in the past - Lando didn’t bat an eyelash at him and he made a beeline for you. You jumped up from your chair and threw yourself at him, wrapping your arms around his shoulders and his easily took to your waist to hold you close, smiling softly at the obvious bump of your stomach that blocked your hug between you just a little. You had grown so much; your baby had grown so much. 

In reality, your hug was to only whisper to him quickly what had happened, your lips grazing against his ear as you hurried out in a barely audible voice, “They made me take a pregnancy test. They know. Took my phone and kept me on watch in fear that I’d leak something to you.”

One of the men cleared their throats and you pulled away from Lando sheepishly, dragging your hand down his chest with a small melancholy smile. Your first time seeing him in so long and it was under these pretenses. He looked so good and you craved to kiss him. You had to look away or you might have cried. 

“Thank you for joining us, Lando.” one of the men said formally.

Lando left his suitcase by the wall before he took the empty seat on your other side at the opposite head of the table, wanting to say ‘not like you gave me a choice’ but he merely pulled a tight smile and nodded in acknowledgement. Your four best friends were lined up on one length of the table with their heads down in near shame, not knowing where to look but all of their downcast gases were drifting in your direction. Max’s flat stare had Lando shifting nervously in his seat even though he was sure he did nothing wrong. 

The head of your management team, Ennis, who had called Lando just that morning, began the meeting, introducing the few individuals representing the management team including himself, the few from PR and the few from HR. The HR department’s presence had Lando shifting nervously in his chair as his father’s words echoed in the back of his head, how he didn’t understand that you truly did not take advantage of him as your intern. 

“This meeting was called in order to discuss how we will be moving forward from now on. For context for those of you who do not know, our client by contract has been working from home recently, canceling in person meetings, and limiting her social media usage to a worrisome degree. As PR and our team is aware, it is written in her contract that consistent social media presence is a crucial asset to marketing and creating a connection with her audience and her readers. Her constant statement of feeling ill led us to conduct a pregnancy test yesterday which did come back positive.”

Said test was dropped onto the table by one of the other management members, the screen face up in the Ziplock bag and the two pink lines very clear and visible since you were already so far along. Lando’s eyes widened at how bluntly they put your personal life on blast in a packed conference room and he glanced over at you on his left to see your stone flat face staring dumbly at the tabletop, your hands folded tightly in your lap. 

One of the PR team spoke up, “Is it public knowledge?”

Your manager answered, “Not yet but we have seen and heard some speculations through our undercover accounts on various social media sites. Not enough to hit the mainstream news yet which gives us limited time to think of a way to cover our asses on this.”

“Who is the father?”

Everyone turned to you and you almost shrunk down into your chair, Lando staring wide eyed around the room as everyone stared as if expecting you to answer for yourself. He shyly raised his hand a few centimeters off the table. Everyone turned back to the manager for guidance, eyebrows around the room left furrowed in near concern. Lando wasn’t sure how this was anyone else’s business but he was intimidated and just let himself listen. 

Your manager continued, “After the issue that arose in October of last year, our team had a serious conversation with the client about ending this relationship as it not only goes against her PR contract but it also will cause a complete hindrance to her social image which we cannot risk. It is clear now that she knew she was pregnant at that time and did not disclose this information to us, nor did she listen to our guidance in insisting that she end any and all contact with Mr. Norris.”

The team nodded in understanding. Lando noticed Charles faintly shaking his head in disbelief out of the corner of his eye. 

Your manager continued, “This is why we have asked HR to be present at this meeting as the public knowledge of our client’s romantic relationship with her intern runs the risk of affecting our company and this contract.”

You scoffed, “It didn’t start in the summer-”

He interrupted you, “And what if he sues you?”

Lando’s head snapped from you to the manager in shock. 

You answered sternly, “He won’t.”

“He’s a middle class kid from Bristol who had a summer fling with his favourite author and now has the chance to make a big buck off of it. Who wouldn’t take that? Humans tear each other down to push themselves up, it’s natural.”

Lando was stunned to silence, his mouth dry and agape at the assumption.

Oscar spoke up next, with a short tone that Lando had only ever heard him use once back when he had pushed the paparazzi away from you during a dinner in the summer, “Don’t you dare speak to them like that.” 

Everyone turned to him and your lineup of friends down one side of the table. 

Your manager pointed a warning finger at him, “You’re not in a position to be making threats that could have you fired, young man.” 

Oscar’s eyes narrowed, “Go ahead. I don’t work for you; I work for her.” 

“Osc.” you spoke softly, as if telling him it wasn’t worth it. 

“They’re our friends.” Charles spoke up, gesturing to you and Lando, “And you know nothing about them.”

Oscar added, “And you certainly know nothing about Lando because you haven’t bothered trying to.” 

“Gentlemen,” your manager spoke sternly, “That’s enough or I will ask you to leave this office immediately.” 

Max’s arm went protectively around the back of Charles’s chair, his ever-observing eyes staring down his nose at the man in charge. Lando, with his heart racing, looked back to the group of higher ups, waiting for what was going to come next out of this tense conversation. 

Trying to explain himself calmly, your manager re-worded his argument as he directed towards you, “It looks bad to have you appearing as if you were cheating on a man of such high standing with a fan…your intern of all people. That opens a whole other can of legal worms that the public could rise up with. It would ruin your reputation. 

Lando’s eyebrows furrowed for a moment at the offside comment in comparison to Pierre. Ever since Lando had first followed you months and near years ago, he had always silently compared himself to Pierre - your boyfriend, who he soon came to learn was all a PR stunt - but it was a hard pill to swallow. The entire world only knew Pierre as your other half. To the world, Lando was the sidepiece. It just wasn’t true but what was to be done about it? Clearly even your team wasn’t on his side…the stupid little fanboy from England. How could he ever compare to the handsome brunette French actor that was the shining star of your Instagram feed? 

“We want to be proactive here.” your manager continued. “We want to anticipate how the public is going to react to the news of this pregnancy because it will get out at one point or another.”

Another one of the team members spoke up, “We should push the idea that she and Pierre are together. Use this as a way to solidify their relationship.”

Your manager thought for a moment before he actually smiled and agreed with ease, “Yes. We can prepare a post announcing the pregnancy and pass this kid off as Pierre’s. Rehash the idea that our client is in a stable and normal relationship and there is nothing shady that is going on behind the scenes.”

Pierre and Lando made eye contact from over you before both looking away just as quickly. Lando could feel his heart in his throat, like he was going to throw it up on the table. Your small sniffle from beside him didn’t help the protective anger that was thudding in his chest and bubbling up like bile in his stomach. How dare they make your decisions for you. 

Your little group watched the discussion between the higher ups like a tennis match across the table, Lando’s chest burning hotter and clenching tighter with his fists in his lap the longer he heard it. 

“We’ll have them all sign an NDA, sweep this under the rug and put it behind us.”

“She should address the pictures from October and offer a public apology.”

“She was pregnant and seduced by this fan and she felt badly for him.” 

Lando looked over at you and the way your eyes shimmered with tears as you stared at the edge of the table with a trembling pout. One wrong word and you were going to burst into tears. Lando frowned deeper and turned back to the discussion going on around him, ignorant to the way your friends stared at him, waiting for the red of his cheeks to blow into a silence of the bullshit that filled the airtime. This wasn’t their fight to have.

“It makes sense for it to be Pierre’s kid…they’ve been together so long.”

“The public loves them together too. A baby would only enhance their audiences. We’ll probably trend!” 

“We could set up a gender reveal. Livestream it even!” 

“Pierre would make the perfect father figure too. He’s got the look.”

Lando stood up so fast that his chair rolled away from behind him and he cut into the conversation that didn’t include him but was all about him, shouting across the lengthy wood table to the broad man at the other end, “Shut up! You think you can just dictate what we do with our lives? You have no say over me and no grounds to sue me if I decline to your insane ideas. This is my child you’re discussing!”

His voice was wavering with emotion and you could see the way his body trembled from where he stood beside you. But he was seeing red and there was nothing he ever hated more than someone hurting you. From hate comments on your posts to invasive interview questions to now this? Lando couldn’t take it. 

He was yelling now, ignorant to any scene he was making in your workplace, “This is my baby! You have no right to replace me with some fake boyfriend who has no connection to this child and nothing to do with this pregnancy! How long are you planning on carrying this lie? Huh? Because it’s going to be pretty damn hard when I’m the one with her constantly…the one taking her to the doctors appointments and the hospital and signing my fucking name on the birth certificate!” 

Your manager cut in smoothly, “Oh, you’re not going to be.”

Lando literally laughed humorlessly, “Like hell I won’t be! That is my baby, and my girlfriend, and I would give up my life for them in a heartbeat. I will not sit by and let you ruin my family because you’re scared of what a few stupid strangers on the internet would say about it. Grow up! You’re grown-ass adults! If we don’t give a shit about what people have to say about us, then why do you? You are not a part of this! I’m sick and tired of walking on eggshells in fear of you! Stop ruining everyone else’s lives because you’re too miserable with your own!” 

“It’s deeper than that, Lando.” your manager told him slowly, “You don’t understand because you’re not part of-”

“No!” Lando slammed his fist against the table to cut him off angrily, “I’m sick and tired of people just seeing me as this kid who doesn’t know a thing about life. You’re talking over me like I don’t have a voice of my own. You don’t know a thing about me! You don’t know who I am or what I do and you especially don’t seem to know that I love your client more than anyone else in the world. Fuck that ‘my client’ shit too, by the way. She has a name. She’s a human being who has feelings and opinions and ideas and really fucking good ideas too and I love her! She’s not your stupid doll to puppet around like this is a big game! I won’t let you! I’m sick of this and I’m sick of seeing how your rules affect her and make her miserable! I love her more than life itself and I refuse to sit here and let you ruin the life that we are building together. She is incredible and she deserves more than you pathetic money-hungry idiots. She deserves to have a real life and a real family and she deserves to be loved…like really loved.” 

Lando faded out as his adrenaline dwindled and he suddenly clued in that he was standing in the middle of the conference room screaming at an entire board of managers and relation teams from the depth of his heart. He swallowed back the anxious gag in his throat and then tore his wide eyes away from the shocked men to look down at you sitting beside him. You were staring up at him in near awe with tears free falling down your cheeks and his gaze shifted just past you to Pierre who looked just as impressed as he was shocked. 

“And Pierre.” Lando found himself saying, much quieter now although his voice was still wavering, “Pierre deserves to find real love too. None of this fake crap with a kid that isn’t is. He needs to find a girl of his own to have a real kid with when he’s ready like he’s supposed to.”

The young men shared little smiles and appreciative half nods. 

Then Lando was bending down to you and wiping your tears from your cheek with his thumb, whispering against your temple softly, “Come on. We’re going.”

“We can’t.” you sniffled. 

“I don’t care. We’re going.” he said a little louder, his voice serious but his words gentle. 

You simply nodded and took his hand to let him guide you to your feet and you wiped your eyes with the sleeve of your hoodie. Your friends started to get up too. 

“No, no.” your manager warned. “You leave when I tell you that you can leave.” 

Max finally spoke, his tone deadly serious and stern, “We’ll be back when you choose to have empathy and are willing to hear her own needs.”

Lando led the little group of you out of the conference room door, holding you under one arm and his suitcase being rolled by his other hand and he didn’t look back as he steered you down the hallway, your friends following quickly behind you. 

Once you were all a few paces away, your friends shared excited little whispers amongst themselves in disbelief that you all just staged a little walkout but Lando was only focused on you and how you shivered under his arm. He leaned his head in to be right in your space with his fingers scratching tenderly against your shoulder and you looked back at him in your close proximity and leaned your forehead against his. 

“It’s going to be okay.” he promised quietly as Lily pressed the call button for the elevator under the intense stare of the secretary a few paces away. 

You nodded, closing your eyes to only focus on the way he held you under his arm. 

“I love you so much.” he whispered. “I’m not letting them do anything to you or our baby.” 

“I love you.” you sighed shakily and slid your arms around his middle to pull him into an embrace. 

He kissed your head and let his other arm join his first around your shoulders, running his fingers through your hair soothingly before caressing your back in gentle rubs. When the elevator dinged and the doors slid open, you pulled away from each other and he guided you into the elevator first. You sniffled and wiped your nose with the sleeve of your hoodie as you stepped inside and your friends followed you. You were surprised no one had chased you out to drag you back to the meeting room by your hair. 

Charles pressed the button for the parking garage and your friends let you and Lando have your quiet moment in the corner of the elevator the whole way down. He barely let you stray farther than a few inches away and he kept you under his arm protectively as you shivered with anxiety and stress, your teeth chattering. But you held onto the front of his shirt in a tight fist as if scared he was going to be taken away from you again and your gently closed eyelids had your lashes fluttering against your teary cheeks. 

Lando’s lips brushed against your ear as he whispered reassuring words to you, “Take some deep breaths for me, sweetheart. We don’t want to give our baby any extra stress right now and it’s not good for you either.”

You nodded weakly. 

He kissed your cheek and then habitually breathed with you as you took in a slow deep breath through your nose, both of you needing it. 

Moments later, the elevator doors slid open to reveal the parking garage lobby and Lando spoke to you quietly, “Let’s get you home.”

Max’s SUV was parked within the rows of cars and the shiny black exterior stood out from the others. When he unlocked it with a chirp, Lando’s eyes would have normally gone wide at the impressive expensive car you were all about to climb into but his attention and his lingering adrenaline was focused all on you. No one bothered to offer you the front seat since it was clear you weren’t going to let go of Lando even if someone paid you and so Oscar opened the back door for you and Lando helped you climb in. Max loaded Lando’s suitcase into the trunk and he and Charles took to the front seat themselves while Lily and Oscar wiggled into the third row, leaving you and Lando to have your room in the second row. 

In the safety and familiarity of Max’s leather seats and Lando’s arms, you were starting to calm down and by the time the SUV drove out into the Monaco sun, your anxiety induced shivering had stopped. Lando’s arm was still around your shoulders and his other hand held your two on his lap, welcoming the way you so easily curled into his side even when you were both buckled in your seatbelts. The drive was quiet as no one really knew what to say and you were honestly thankful for that. 

Staring down at your intertwined hands, you gently traced the lines of Lando’s fingers with your head resting against his comfortably. He moved to kiss your temple before resting his head back down against yours, rubbing his thumb over yours for a few strokes. 

“I missed you so much.” you sniffled. 

“I missed you like crazy.” Lando gave your hand a squeeze. 

You leaned your head back slightly against his shoulder so you could look at his face and he gladly met your teary gaze. His eyes drifted to your lips, watching how you formed your quiet sentence, “That was incredible what you did in there.” 

He shrugged modestly, whispering back to you, “I’ll always protect you.”

“I love you.” you breathed. 

“I’m in love with you.” he countered. 

You broke into a slight smile to correct yourself quietly, for only him to hear, “I’m in love with you, Lando Norris.” 

He tightened his arm around your shoulder to guide you in for a soft, long awaited kiss. You both lingered there for a moment, smiling faintly into your chasté kiss in your getaway car together, and when you pulled away, you cuddled back into his side with your arm around his middle. Amidst everything, you were just excited to be able to take him home. 

When Max pulled into the parking garage of your apartment, you thanked him for the drive and then said your goodbyes to your friends as the two young men got out to retrieve Lando’s suitcase. Your friends had you promise to keep them up to date with everything and they swore they had your back no matter what…but you needed to take that night and turn off your phone and just be with Lando for a little while. You had no objections to that idea. 

Lando was waiting with Max on the pavement with his bag when you stepped out of the car and Max moved right in to give you a one armed hug. He spoke to you seriously when he pulled away, “If they call you, don’t answer. Tell me and I will deal with them.”

You nodded and promised and you said your goodbyes. Lando took your hand and led you up to your door. 

“Sorry it’s a mess.” you whispered as you unlocked it and stepped inside. 

Lando glanced at the dishes in the kitchen sink and the papers scattered over the dining room table and the few stray worn socks that littered your living room floor but he merely shrugged, dusting his fingers over the small of your back as he followed you farther into your house, “It’s okay. I’m not worried about the mess. Just you. Are you feeling a little calmer, my love?”

You set your purse on the kitchen island as you turned to him with a small smile, “Yeah. Thanks to you.”

“Of course.” Lando set his hands on your waist, “What did you want to do now? Do you want to nap? I know you said you haven’t been getting much sleep.”

“I wanna kiss you.” you said, pulling him closer by the front of his shirt. 

Lando just licked away his smile and leaned in towards you to meet you halfway in a proper kiss, one that you had been waiting for since October and in full privacy of your own home, it felt so easy again. You hummed softly in pleasant appreciation and your hands raised to the sides of his neck to hold his kiss for a little longer. Lando’s head spun with his adoration for you and he parted your lips with his own and tilted his head slightly to deepen your kiss, sliding his arms around your waist to pull you closer until the bump of your belly pressed against his stomach. 

He laughed lightly into your kiss and went to pull away but you grabbed him by the back of his neck and yanked him back in for more kisses. His hands caressed your back lovingly and he spoke softly between your purposeful kisses, “Baby, I missed you so much if you keep this up I’m gonna get hard-”

“Good.” you answered easily, moving away from his lips for a second so you could speak right to him, “I’ve been so fucking horny recently…and all I want right now is for you to just fuck the thoughts from my head.” 

“Fuck.” Lando chuckled breathily at your blunt demand and as your lips went for his neck, he tilted his head back to give you room, speaking to the ceiling, “Okay, but let me take you to your room first.” 

His hands fell into yours and soon you were following after him down the hallway to your bedroom; a place he knew well after your summer together. It had been so long since you last saw each other that you were almost bursting with excitement; no help from the second trimester that had your libido through the roof. Your plentiful FaceTime calls and risqué text messages were not sufficing and you would have given anything to feel his hands on your body properly. Now, as if a dream, he was there with you in your bedroom and pulling your sweater off purposefully. 

You held him by the side of his neck and kissed the air from his lungs, wanting him impossibly closer as the curve of your growing stomach prevented him from touching you completely. His hands caressed your full hips that had only grown with pregnancy and then over the swell over your stomach that housed his baby. You had often sent him selfies and pictures over the weeks so he could track your growth from a distance but seeing it in person was so much better. 

With a soft hum of appreciation, Lando pulled away from your lips to let his gaze fall to your taut skin under his hands. The stretch marks wriggled across your abdomen and hips and his fingers traced them delicately as he took in the sight of you before him like you were nothing less than ethereal. You held onto his biceps, letting him stare at you, and he gently guided you backwards towards your bed to sit you down on the side. Then he was sinking to his knees in front of you and pulling your sweatpants down your legs right along with your underwear to discard them to the floor and leave you in only your bra in front of him. His eyes darted over your body like he wasn’t sure where he wanted to look first and he finally settled on the roundness of your stomach, leaning in to press a soft kiss right there. 

“My God, you’re even more beautiful in person.” he whispered faintly, his warm breath fanning across your skin. He guided your legs apart and kissed down the curve of your belly until settling between your legs with a tender kiss to your cunt. 

“It’s not…tidy…down there.” you mumbled, resting back on your hands against the bed. 

“Don’t care.” Lando answered easily before gliding his tongue between your lips. He missed how you tasted - so perfectly sweet and addicting - and he greedily went in for more. 

You stared down at him and how the small bump of your abdomen hid him slightly from your view so all you were blessed with was the sight of his unruly brown hair between your legs. The feeling of his lips and tongue blessing your pussy with the sweetest kisses and licks had your nose scrunching up in pleasure and your eyes fluttering closed to bask in the sensations you had waited too long for. 

His hands took to your thighs and guided your legs up so you could rest your heels on the edge of the bed and leave yourself spread open for his eager mouth. His thumbs rubbed warmly over the flesh of your thighs as he made out sloppily with your cunt and let his nose ghost over your aching clit, tending to you so lovingly after so long that you swore tears were pricking the corners of your eyes. Your hormones were going awol. 

“Oh, God, Lando, I love you.” you whimpered to the ceiling.

He pulled away just long enough to reply, “I love you too.”

Lando could never get enough of the way you whimpered and moaned under his touch; it was truly better than how it sounded in his imagination all those months ago. It was hard to believe that not even a year before he was still sitting alone in his dorm room with only the company of your published words and your social media. Now he was eating you out on your bed in your apartment in Monaco while you were pregnant with his child. Life was surreal. 

There was nothing else either of you could do but focus on the good to push away the bad for the time being. 

“Mm, baby,” you reached a hand down to raked through his hair, “can we switch?” 

Lando pulled away from your pussy with a soft slurp and a little glossy pout, “Already?”

“Yeah…I really wanna suck your dick.” you pleaded. 

He would never decline that - especially after months of going without any sort of touch from you - and so he stood up without question and started to unbuckle his jeans. You dropped your legs back down over the side of the bed and reached to help him, licking your lips impatiently as you unzipped his pants and started to pull them down. Lando tugged his shirt off in the meantime and soon you were both perfectly bare in front of each other. 

His fingers danced through your hair lovingly as you wrapped a hand around his hard cock and let a little dribble of spit fall from your lips onto the head of it. You leaned down slightly to wrap your mouth around it and his hand followed you gently as you sucked softly on the smooth tip. Lando’s wavering little exhale had your heart skipping a beat and you sunk your mouth down lower, starting to suck him off in lazy little bobs of your head. 

But you soon pulled off him quickly and rested your free hand against his faint abs to get him to back up a little, giving yourself room to slip carefully off the side of the bed and onto your knees in front of him. Lando’s wide eyes stared down at you and his expression fluttered as you sank your mouth down around his cock again, taking him nice and deep in your warm wet mouth. 

“Oh my God, baby.” he whispered shakily, taking your hair back into a ponytail in his gentle hands, “You’re such a good girl.” 

Your gentle hand gave him soft strokes in time with your mouth for a few seconds before your mouth was pulling away to let your hand do the work, confessing up to him easily from your knees, “The way you stood up for me in there…and our baby…was so fucking hot.” 

You kissed the tip of his dick.

“You’re so fucking hot.”

Another kiss to the tender spot right under the head. It made his thighs flinch slightly.

“Fuck, I missed you so bad.” you rushed out before guiding his dick back into your mouth. 

Lando’s head dropped to the side with a tight groan from his throat, his eyes struggling to stay open with how perfect your mouth felt - no comparison to his hand from the last few months. He promised you in reply, “I missed you more.” 

You moaned around his cock and kept your motions going until you were gagging yourself on it and smothering yourself deeper until you could take your hand away. Lando’s eyelids fluttered through a deep groan as he hit the back of your throat and you set your hands on his ass to pull him right in until your nose touched his pelvis. The feeling of your throat constricting around him had his hands tightening in your hair and when you gagged loudly around him, you had to pull back. Strings of spit connected your lips to the tip of his dick and Lando watched in near awe as you wrapped your hand around him again and quickly started stroking him off again, even slick in your spit that dribbled down your chin. 

“God, I’m so horny.” you exhaled, staring lustfully at his cock in your face. Your other hand helped itself between your legs to ease some of the ache that was growing, rubbing your clit in lazy circles as you let your tongue swirl around the head of Lando’s dick with your hand taking the lead of the motions. You whispered against it in near disbelief, “I can’t believe our baby came from this. You and this perfect dick of yours got me pregnant.”

Lando laughed faintly, “Don’t say that or I’ll cum.” 

You giggled sweetly at him and wrapped your lips around the tip for a little suckle before pulling back again, “You have such a breeding kink.”

“So what?”

“So it’s kinda hot.” you answered, “And you’re already standing up for our little family. You’re gonna be such a good daddy.”

“Sweetheart,” Lando sighed, “Seriously.”

“I know, I know,” you bit back your smile as your hand kept pumping his thick cock, “I could feel you throbbing when I said that.”

He hummed pleasantly and you flicked your tongue over the underside of his dick, staring up at him sweetly to watch how his expression changed with pleasure. Your hand moved a bit faster and your lips wrapped around the head with your tongue teasing the slit, pulling the sweetest moan from his chest that had your cunt pulsing. 

“Fuck,” you pulled away from him again, “I need you inside me so fucking bad right now.”

“Okay,” Lando answered without missing a beat, “Get on the bed.” 

You stood up in front of him with help from his hand for a bit of balance and you pulled him in by the back of his neck for a few sloppy kisses through your shared smiles before you were sitting on the side of the bed and scooting farther onto it. Lando crawled after you, and when you met in the middle of your familiar king size bed, he felt at home. Your lips met once more, sharing tongue-led kisses that had you reaching for his shoulders to keep him close - enamoured by him and his angelic kisses. 

Lando broke away from your kiss to ask softly, “How are you most comfortable to do this?” 

“I’m not allowed to be on my back.” you told him.

“I know.” he piped up easily, having consistently been following week by week pregnancy articles online throughout the process. 

You kissed his lips once more before answering his question properly, “Maybe I’ll start on top?”

“Sure.”

You moved together to situate yourselves on your neatly made bed and Lando lounged back against the pillows and the headboard, helping to guide your leg to straddle his body. He licked his lips as he had that perfect view of you right in front of him and the growing curve of your belly called to his possessive hands. 

“You’re so sexy.” he breathed. “So fucking beautiful.” 

“Glad you still think so.” you chuckled lightly. 

“Always.” Lando replied, caressing your full hips with his warm hands as you lifted up onto your knees. 

He helped to angle his dick for you and you shuffled closer upwards so it could press right up against your leaking pussy. You were so wet that he let out a shaky breath at only the first teasing touch, desperate to sink into you after so long. He had gone twenty-one years without any touch from a woman and maybe in some way life was holding him out for you - you were his first and to be his only. Having to return to abstinence for a few months while you struggled with your management was nearly torture for the both of you but especially for Lando. 

“Ready, boyfriend?” you asked, a sweet reminder that this was only your second time as officially dating - and only your first time that would actually (hopefully) see a satisfied conclusion for the both of you. 

“Ready, beautiful girlfriend.” he nodded, trying to hide his grin.

“Compared to your ugly girlfriend you keep on the side?” you teased.

“Shush, there’s no one but you and you know it.” Lando tisked lightly, impatiently sliding the head of his cock between your glistening lips. 

You grabbed his wrist, “Keep him still.” 

“Gimme it, baby.” he exhaled. “I need you so bad.”

You held his wrist snugly as you slowly sank down on him, letting the head of his cock slip inside you snugly and your nose scrunched up at the stretch after so long. Lando’s free hand rubbed your thigh comfortingly as you whimpered slightly at the ache across your pelvis muscles that had been working to house your growing baby for the prior weeks. 

“Good girl.” he praised softly, trying to hide the wavering of his voice that was caused by how good you felt around him, so tight and warm that he swore he was getting dizzy, “Nice and slow, sweetheart.” 

“You’re so fucking big, it kinda hurts.” you pulled a strained little smile up at him. 

“You’re not new to it.” he laughed lightly. 

“Mm, no.” you agreed proudly, “This dick is all mine.” 

Lando groaned at your words and the warmth of your pussy that sank down on more of him and he merely offered you a “mhm” in acknowledgement. 

You set both your hands on his chest as you got lower and Lando held onto your hips, staring down his body to watch how his dick disappeared inside you slowly. He licked his lips and spread his legs a little wider, his eyebrows raising slightly as he watched you bottom out in near awe, filling him entirely inside your perfect body. 

“Oh, fuck, I missed this.” you sniffled, dropping your head back to try and keep your hormones at bay. 

“Me too. You feel so fucking good, baby.” Lando breathed. 

“I missed you so fucking much.” you whimpered. 

“I’m right here.” Lando promised, “Not going anywhere, sweetheart…I’m right here.”

You started to grind down on him in little back and forth motions to feel him tucked up so deeply inside you and your eyes closed peacefully to just bask in it for a second. His hands slid up the silhouette of your body and traced the lace of your bra and you allowed him to take it off you. Over the previous months he had seen your growing breasts through FaceTime chats but in person was just so much better. He dropped your bra to the ground in exchange for his hands to gently grope them with full palms as you rode him lazily with those purposeful grinds, his fingers on your sensitive nipples earning sweet moans from your mouth. 

With your hands anchored strongly on his chest, you started to raise yourself up on your knees in more vertical strokes, earning a tight inhale from him as the snug squeeze of your cunt pulled along the length of his cock and back down. You were both sharing heavy breaths and peaceful moans, taking the afternoon slowly and savouringly, basking in the pleasure that you had long missed together. 

“You’re so gorgeous.” Lando breathed, unable to tear his eyes away from your maternal body sitting on his lap. You were the epitome of a dream come true for him. 

You smiled down at him as you bounced faintly on his cock and let his hands knead your swollen breasts. All that mattered in that moment was him.

To Lando, all that mattered was you as he asked you sweetly, “Does this feel good for you, my love?” 

“Yeah. Feels really fucking good.” you chuckled breathily. “You?”

“Yeah, it’s amazing.” he nodded, “View is pretty good too.”

You let out a soft chuckle and shifted your hands from his chest to rest on the bed between his spread legs behind you, giving you a new angle, and his hands were taken from your chest to slide down to rest tenderly on your swollen belly. Lando stared at you as you started to bounce on him shallowly again, your limited movement making it look more like slight flicks of your hips in that consistent rhythm but the spring of the mattress helped you greatly. 

As your eyes closed, your mouth fell open with a trembling moan, “Oh fuck, that’s it.”

“Good girl.” Lando whispered, keeping his eyes on you.

He licked his lips as he stared at your legs spread on either side of his body and the sight of your body not straying far from his before falling back down with a faint clap of skin over and over again. Your whimpers and moans were heaven to him and he let you set the pace however you needed, simply caressing the tight skin over your abdomen and the fleshy dough of your hips. 

Your eyebrows furrowed slightly and your lips fell into a soft pout despite the pitchy moan that filled your bedroom as you rode him consistently with his dick nudging your g-spot straight on. It grew the pleasure inside you tightly but it came on fast and it felt incredibly overwhelming, especially after so long apart, that it made your face scrunch up in what could pass as agony. 

“Oh God.” you whimpered, your voice quivering as if you were near tears, “Oh, I’m gonna cum.” 

“That’s it, beautiful, cum for me.” Lando encouraged angelically, 

“Oh, fuck, Lando-” you choked out. 

Your breath caught in your throat and he watched in awe as your head dropped backwards and you gaped up to the ceiling with screwed tight eyes just as your pussy clenched down hard around him and you kept bouncing on his lap right through it. You squealed pitchily as your hands fisted the sheets behind you and your nose scrunched up in the cutest way he had ever seen. 

“Shit,” Lando hissed, pressing his fingers into the flesh of your thighs, “that’s my good fucking girl.” 

“Fuck.” you heaved for breath and fluttered your eyes open as you lifted your heavy head to look back at him, “Didn’t know I was gonna cum that fast…I’m fucking sensitive.” 

Lando smiled adoringly up at you as you straightened up on top of him again and set your palms flat on his chest once more. You took a deep breath and let it out with a refreshing sigh, swirling your hips ever so slowly on his lap to bask in the bliss of it all. 

“Yeah, just take a second to catch your breath.” Lando rubbed his warm hands over your flushed skin. “My good girl.” 

You smiled adoringly to the air between you and your gaze found his fondly before you slowly lifted yourself up and then back down the length of his dick, pulling a tight moan from his chest. You breathed deeply for him as you moved slowly, riding out the ends of your toe-curling orgasm that you had waited near months for, just wanting to savour the feeling of his perfect cock buried deeply inside you. 

Soon, you were shifting on top of him and situating your feet underneath you so you were squatting over his lap and Lando rubbed his hands over your thighs, whispering in cautious concern, “Oh, that’s going to be hard on your knees, baby.”

“That’s okay.” you whispered. “I want to be good for you.”

“You are always good for me, my love. Here, can we switch? I just wanna take care of you.”

When you nodded, he leaned up on his elbows to kiss your lips and then you were carefully sliding off his lap, wincing faintly at the feeling of his cock slipping out of you and leaving you empty. Lando moved quickly so you weren’t left lost for long and he situated himself behind you on his knees, leaving you only needing to rest forward on your hands from the position you were already in. He licked his fingers and slid them between your legs, smearing your slick pussy wetter as much as he wanted as he tended to your swollen cunt with warm caresses, mouthing a silent ‘fuck’ to the air at how the mere feeling of you had his cock throbbing. 

“Spread your legs a little wider, sweetheart.” Lando instructed gently, helping you to shuffle your knees a bit farther apart and he kept his at a close angle just behind you, allowing his hips to be perfectly level with yours. He rubbed your hips, “This comfortable for you?”

“Yeah, it’s good.” you flipped your hair over one shoulder so you could try and look back at him. 

Lando gladly kept your eye contact as he carefully guided his thick cock into you again, his mouth falling open slightly at the snug fit of your body nearly pulling him in. He had to break your lustful stares to watch himself bottom out inside you until his hips were pressed snugly against the flesh of your ass. When you wiggled back onto him a little, you could feel the faint hair that dotted his pelvis brush against your soft skin. You hummed contently and started to rock forwards and backwards to fuck yourself on him impatiently. 

“Hey, hey,” Lando tisked and took hold on your hips, “that’s my job.”

You giggled sweetly and bit your smiling lip as you stared back at him over your shoulder and he started to fuck you lazily. A soft hum of appreciation fell from your mouth and your eyes fluttered shut. 

“There we go.” Lando breathed. 

Going nice and slowly after the build up of months apart was only half ideal because part of him just wanted to fuck the shit out of you, but the addition of your little life growing inside you, he also wanted to be extra careful. Savouring it all was just as good, making sweet love to you had always been his favourite dream after all. 

You whispered your polite demand to the room, “Faster, please.”

Lando caressed your hips and started to thrust into you a little faster until he had a good gentle speed going. 

Humming in appreciation, you spoke again, “Yeah, this speed but harder.”

Slightly hesitant, Lando only gave you a little bit more intensity just until your skin started to make that lewd little clapping sound together. 

“Mm, more. Fuck me harder.” you huffed. 

“I don’t wanna hurt you.” Lando protested. 

“I’m not a fucking flower, baby, I won’t break.” you retorted, “Beat it up, come on. I’ll tell you if it’s too much.”

Lando took your word for it and let his instincts take over as he shoved into you with sharper precision at that same ideal speed you had him keep. Your deep groan only solidified that it was perfectly okay and he slid his hands up your back to grasp your shoulders as he gently held you back into his every thrust, the bed creaking underneath you in time with him. 

“Fuck, yeah, that’s so good.” you moaned, fisting the bed sheets under your straight arms. “Oh my God.” 

“That’s my pretty girl.” Lando exhaled, staring down at how your ass jiggled with every hard thrust, “Fuck, you feel incredible.” 

He fucked the whimpers from your throat in steady time, gradually getting louder and louder as your eyes screwed shut. Lando slid his hands down your back and grabbed your doughy hips again, tugging you back harshly into every thrust as he hit as deep as he could with any possible hesitation vanished from his mind with how you reacted to him. You cried out with pure raw pleasure, your voice wavering with tears from how good it felt, and he spanked your ass out of habit. 

“Yeah, spank me.” you pleaded, earning another hard smack to your ass and then another. 

“Dirty girl.” Lando chuckled lowly, his words laced with breathlessness as he pounded into you at that addicting pace. 

“Mm, mm, mm, mm-” your head dropped down and in seconds you were flying a hand out to slam against the headboard, squealing loudly, “Fuck, I’m gonna cum again!”

“Good girl. That’s my good girl.” Lando praised lowly, propping one foot flat against the mattress for a better angle as he flawlessly kept that addicting pace, only making the slap of your skin louder in time with the creaking of the bed, “Cum for me, sweetheart.”

“Oh God, oh God, oh God-” you choked out, tightening your white-knuckled grip on the sheets until you were untucking them from the sides of the mattress. “Lando!” 

“That’s it…cum for me. Cum on my cock.” his jaw clenched at the first feeling of you gripping around him again, “Yes, that’s it, beautiful, make me cum.” 

You shuddered when you came and Lando’s hands tended to your hips warmly as he fucked you through your second orgasm, holding you up as your body desperately tried to slide down onto the mattress and away from the overwhelming pleasure. But he kept going, pounding into you roughly as you mewled and moaned for him until tears blurred your eyes. 

“Oh my God, baby!” you sobbed out. 

“I’m close-” Lando panted, his voice breaking slightly as he repeated, “I’m close-”

Despite the way your body trembled from overwhelm, you looked back at him over your shoulder and offered him the sweetest begging that you knew would do just the trick, “Cum inside me. Please, please, please cum inside me, Lan, I missed you so much.”

“Fuck,” Lando groaned, “That’s it.”

“Please fill me up.” You squeezed down on him, “Oh, God, I need it so bad.”

“Cumming-” Lando warned quickly before he, too, was tensing right up with the harsh wave of pleasure that hit him. His handsome face screwed up tightly, his mouth falling open in near awe, and he let out the most beautiful moan you had ever heard him make when you felt that first thick spurt release deep inside you. 

“Fuck yeah.” you sighed pleasantly and ground your ass back against him as his thrusts slowed into lazy nudges. 

“Ohhh, God.” Lando withered, slumping forward slightly until his hand caught his weight against the mattress. “Shit.”

“I could feel it pulsing inside me.” you giggled. 

“Yeah,” Lando sniffled dryly, dropping his leg back down so he was kneeling properly, “I came so fucking hard.”

You slowly sat back on your knees and Lando moved with you to help you shift so your back was right up against his front and his hands slid around your hips and over your belly as you leaned your head back against his shoulder and pulled his lips onto yours. The two of you shared sloppy breathless kisses until your relieved and pleasured smiles got in the way and you had to break away from each other. Lando kissed your temple. 

Your hands dragged over his forearms as he embraced you lovingly and fell to a stop over his hands that cradled your baby bump. You stayed there together for a moment, still intertwined as one and letting the highs of your orgasms wash into a glowing bliss all through you. Lando’s thumbs rubbed faintly over your skin and he kissed your neck before sighing contentedly into that same spot. 

“I love you so much.” he whispered like a promise. 

“I love you so much more.” you responded, lifting your head up to invite him for a kiss to your lips. 

Then he was cautiously helping you shift away from him and both of you shared a little wince as his sensitive dick slipped out of you and left you empty once again. You carefully turned around and slumped backwards against your pillow with a content but tired sigh, draping one arm over your head with your other habitually gravitating to the curve of your abdomen. Lando joined you at your side and you naturally turned away from him so he could cuddle up behind you, fitting your blushing bodies together like two perfect puzzle pieces meant to be. 

Lando hid his grinning smile into your hair and breathed in the scent of your floral shampoo as he slid his arm under your neck and his other draped around your middle to join your hand on your belly. 

“Twenty-two weeks tomorrow.” you stated softly. 

“Mhm.” Lando smiled against your shoulder, caressing your little growing life with his thumb, “Baby is the size of a papaya this week.”

You giggled, “Have you ever seen a papaya in real life?”

“No, but I’m sure they aren’t as beautiful as our baby.”

“I don’t think a baby and a fruit are accurately comparable.”

Lando kissed along your shoulder, “Sure they are. And our baby wins every time.”

“Of course.”

You leaned back slightly to pucker out your lips and he dipped in for a sweet kiss or two. 

He kissed your neck when you turned away from him again and his hand rubbed warmly over your belly. Your fingers wiggled their way under his to get him to hold your hand and then you brought your joint hands up to your lips to kiss his knuckles before returning them back to your baby. 

Lando confessed to you quietly as you had your moment’s peace, “You look so beautiful…more than ever.”

“Thank the pregnancy for that.” you replied. 

“Oh, I do.” he assured you, “I always knew you would be fucking gorgeous pregnant with my baby and look…I was right!” 

You laughed lightly and he nuzzled a kiss into your neck. Then he continued gently with his little confession, “And when I came into that room today and got my first real look at you after what felt like forever…you took my breath away all over again. Just like you did when I first met you on that book tour last year in Bristol. And when you hugged me and I could feel our baby against me for the first time? It was so incredible.” 

There was a pause and you didn’t answer, letting the airtime be taken up by your fingers dancing lazily with his. Lando gave your hand a squeeze as if making sure you were still awake. 

You finally replied, but not like how he had anticipated, “I’m sorry about today.”

He tisked, “You have nothing to be sorry about. None of this is your fault.” 

Bubbling up with hormones and emotions that you had suppressed for a while, your voice broke as you shared a confession of your own, “I just wanted to write books.”

Lando’s heart nearly shattered at the simple yet weighty presence of your words and he held you a little tighter, “Oh, my darling, I know.”

A sob fell from your lips and you raised your joint hands up again to hide your face in embarrassment, “I didn’t want all of this shit with it.”

“I know.” Lando sighed, “You don’t deserve this. Not at all. I wish I could just make it all go away for you.” 

“And now you’re dragging into this and I’m ruining your life.”

“Hey.” Lando propped himself up on his arm so he could look at you properly. You hid your face in your hands but he pulled them away, speaking to you sternly but sweetly, “You have done nothing but make my life better. I have told you before and I will tell you again that you are my biggest dream come true. There has never been one second since meeting you that I ever thought that my life was worse off because of you…and especially from things that are not your fault.”

“Please don’t ever leave me.”

Lando swallowed back his own tears and he leaned down to kiss your tear streaked cheek, holding onto you like he was never going to let you, “I will never leave you. I would never dream of it. I’d never find another you.” 

You wiped your tears with the heel of your palm and Lando sighed pitifully at the way you trembled in his arms. He kissed your shoulder and caressed the soft skin of your growing belly and tried to make you feel every ounce of his love in his heart that he wasn’t quite sure how to express out loud. 

“I hate the way they treat you.” he whispered, dusting another kiss to your shoulder, “No one should be making you feel this low.”

You sniffled and leaned your head back slightly to look him in the eye, “And you stood up for me.”

“Of course.” Lando kissed your lips once. “No one hurts my girl or tries to break up my family.” 

You reached up to slide your hand around the back of his neck and pulled him into another lingering kiss. When you parted, he sighed softly against your cheek and you closed your eyes with an exhale of your own to just feel the warmth of his body against your own. 

“I love you.” you mumbled.

“I love you so much.” Lando kissed your cheek again.

You let your eyes find his in your close proximity, dancing your fingers through the back of his hair as you confessed to him in a whisper, “They all told me - even Max at one point or another - not to get involved with fans because it can be risky and messy…but honestly it was the best decision of my life. I thought you were cute from the second I saw you but something about you just made me want to trust you and give you a chance and…I can’t even remember what life was like before you and it hasn’t even been a year yet.”

Lando smiled fondly at you, “Crazy, huh? Hasn’t even been a year since we met.”

“Feels like forever though.” you added. 

“In the best way.” 

“Mhm.” 

You shared another kiss. 

The faint nudge against Lando’s palm had him pulling away from your lips with a gasp, turning to look down at your small belly that was growing your little life. He had been away from you for so long that he missed so much and this was a new development that he had only heard about from you over your late night calls. 

“There’s baby saying hi.” you smiled. 

Another little bump against his hand and Lando was breaking into a grin, “Oh my gosh. Hi, little one.” 

It was only the smallest of feelings since the baby was still tiny and limbs hadn’t grown full strength yet but Lando was completely enamoured by the little flutters that came from inside you. He rubbed his hand over your belly and the movement almost seemed to follow his touch. 

“Crazy, huh?” you said. 

“Yeah. It’s incredible.” he breathed, “That’s our baby in there.”

“Mhm.” you smiled and leaned your head back to look at him again. 

You watched his face for a moment as he stared, focused and in awe, at your growing baby you held so lovingly inside you. His heart soared and for a second, you thought he might cry by the shimmer of his light eyes. 

Your thumb dusted across his cheek and you spoke to him softly, “I love you.”

He finally met your gaze and shared in your gentle smile, “I love you.” 

The two of you shared a kiss and Lando melted back down into the bed behind you to cuddle you close with his protective hand still resting on your abdomen with yours on top. In your room, in the imperfect city of Monte Carlo, in a life Lando only ever thought he would achieve in his dreams, you were one. 

He sealed his promise to you then and there, telling you with words stemming from all the love in his heart that he carried just for you, “All I have ever dreamt about and all I ever need in the whole world, I have right here.”

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[who77o7]

I fucking hate my life. I am getting NO pussy and am extremely a LOOSER. did not go to track and field bbq - did not think too hard about aversion to it - and instead went to coffee shop. Took friend. sat at different tables. Spent afternoon in park with him+dog. frisbee. now mind did i not really want to do these things but he asked and then he brought the frisbee and the blanket and I guess I had kind of asked him if he had the cigarettes. Earlier in the coffee shop (what espresso makes me want a cig jus to calm my nerves) ... and then he asked about taking a fucking grounding walk with his dog. THe frisbee caught me offguard but it was fun to move around I guess.

and now all my track and field groupies are downstairs. Playing Mario cart. I live with two of two of them, can stand two of them, like three of them and kinda feel respect n intimidation for three of them, one of them is kinda weird, one of them is kinda boring n stiff, wish I were better friends with all of them except like kinda one and thats a long story.

and i think the problem is me - if there is a problem in why one of us cant stand each other. Because I have religious trauma. and I feel somehow triggered when I am with these people. Are my feelings of anxiety apparent because I feel I am acting inappropriately? like these things are now allowed, because iit was something I missed out on, therefore didnt deserve, and if I dont deserve it is because it deserves to be taken away from me in punishment.

So Basically I still hat e hanging out at my house sp make your fucking space nice so i can come and hang out in it.I'll work on making myself comfortable. I guess, Fuck You C and I. I and C. are you guys fr having fun down there? are you tired and overwhelmed? who went home first? what are your temperaments? I am a fucking evil vampire. is anyone mad at me? MY friends would be cooler to hang out with. If they all fucking knew each other. having friends that all know each other would be dope. Even a small group, if the small group knew all the people around their area from seeing them around because the things you need are walking distance away. like fr, circle in. like the streets in japan, hi angelica! the say hi! I hope you're still alive! I need to practice typing with my pinkies. I havent done it in forver, actually, and i sometimes forget were they keys are. which is crazy because how have i typed every fucking day of my life and I still trip up? why do my fingers twitch?

but it does sound pretty fun down there. too bad I would be too shy to do anything. i hate being a fucking freak LOOSER >:C I wish i could be cool around N and P. B too, and D but hes weird. but not as weird as C. I screams too much. everyone seems rly judgemental when i feel weird n I always feel weird. D says "you're weird" n "you suck." someone just came to complain abt the noise omg. they're whispering. "helllaa awkward." theyre quieter now.

I shake a lot when im nervous and i pretend im not there. i wish i didnt get nervous so easily. I guess I really hate being around other people. I dont know how to work them, to make them tolerate me. to have a damn personality worth remembering.

and see why do i feel like its my fault?! Like I did something ???somehow??? messed up and ruined peoples fun, and in so doing ... t\riggered their distaste and annoyance??? judgement and outcastment with them???!!

Anyway back to me getting no pussy , everyone is GOING TO THINK that I was FUCKING MY FRIEND because we were hanging out jn my room. Smoking a joint and watching hannibal. NOT FUCKING. he is not my type aand fucking dudes has got to be so far removed from emotional intimacy. Fuck I think that s why its a bit weird with n, because I see my gender identity as intimate , but when Im asked straight up i vomit it out because I want people to understand, but remember i vomit it, unfiltered chunky ugly smelly tangled hairball mess of emotional self awareness, understanding, and coping.

during PRIDE MONTH. i want to. know lesbians. I want lesbians to fall in love with me. FEm lesbians where are. you. mask lesbians. fem lesbias. masc lesbians.I am transmasc, but not a trans man. I may still be genderfluid. I just needed people to understand that I have that masculine side, that side where I feel aligned to the masculine spirit, when i told them that I was a man. Because I needed them to feel the seriousness of my desire to be aligned as such, that if i could switch i would, that if i could be born again i would switch and be sitting in that room down there at 20 years old instead of sick in bed,

and fearing that my identity will make me an object of ridicule and shame, afraid to be seen intimately and rejected and scorned. or worse, patronized and objectified.

I am insecure. aj FUCK YOU for singing that song that made me so angry and disrespected, but I DONT KNOW you weren.t trying to help me feelings but FUUCk YOOU i didnt like it. but whatever you;re fucking annoying but youre my only chill friend rn. like I hung out with a couple others and they just arent the people i am able to relax with.

[sa4phire]

i am not myself right now and it is the most agonizing thing. to watch myself. be this version of me when i so desperately want to be the real me. i am always sexual but it doesn’t hit this way for me at all when i am myself. i am ruining things for nothing, i am actively engaging in my eating disorder again, i am pulling away from everyone. i am not being a good wife in my opinion because cook clean and fuck and baby i have barely been cooking because i have no need for food. my man needs sustainable meals and shit and i haven’t been doing the shit. i have not been running my house like normal. i am checked out. i stay high, i write my poetry, i fucking do what i’m gonna do n that’s it. i be outside. i’ve been up for hours n this is after like another two day bender that was after another one and this has been going on for months but i had my job. now that i am koolin basically in the god damn queue for florida until i get certain strings tied (not ones i control), so im free. my man workin long days. im alone.

i am dangerously close to another psychotic break and i pulled away and have been… real with my friends and family but they have no fucking idea how bad i actually am right now. no one in my real life does. they can guess but not one single person actually feels the terror i feel right now. i will not go on medication. not after what happened to me not after my experience after my whole life. i will buck the fuck up and ride it out but i am telling you. my friends back home? we are about to have… demon time because we are all going through our second dark moment basically. so when i see maya… pray. like 🤌🏻🤌🏻😂 the drinks are gonna be rolling. for days. i’m telling you now. but it’s like. i am the kind of person where if i wear myself out i will be okay. that’s why i’m expressing my sexuality and my fucking jittery god damn buzzing energy in every way through writing through lives through sexting through blogging but also painting and caring for my plants and caring for my animals. i have receded to the point where nature is the only place i feel calm and sleeping in a bed is bringing bad things in my head right now so i’m not sleeping. but im also like. i say it’s bad because it’s like. im actively self harming again. i’m not eating, i’ve hit myself multiple times like i borderline cut n i said i was done like more than half a decade ago. be so fr. what the fuck. im to the point where it’s like i looked in the mirror after forcing myself to fucking do something i really. shouldn’t have and just said like “i don’t even recognize you.”

this is not me and if you’ve followed me for a long time you know about why i started this specific blog in the first place and what happened on the underground one that i lost. to censor. so like it just i don’t know it’s hard because i am meeting these souls here who are so important to me. so. important to me in a way i cannot explain. in such a deep way that it hurts to be in their presence sometimes even though they are some of my favorite people in this world. i don’t want to disappoint them or hurt them. i want to give them everything i can that is good i want to give to them.

i feel like no matter what i do right now it is not going to be right. so i go to my trees and i stay up so i don’t dream and i smoke to ease the ptsd and the anxiety and the other stuff. insomnia is nothing compared to ptsd. but thankfully i have met people here who like. understand me and are always helping me and checking on me and guiding me through it. no one knows the real real about some of the shit that i allow on here. like irl it is hard for me to look my husband in the eyes and tell him i can’t sleep a certain way in the bed because a nurse TRIGGER WARNIn bitch but yea a nurse groped me in my sleep in the psych ward and then after wards tried to say i was anxious. to medicate me bro. so like. i just. i am like. and also that’s another thing my sexual trauma ptsd whatever bullshit i don’t know it just is coming in so fucking hot rn. yet at the same time i’m insane. like insatiably horny and yet if i were to have sex right now it would feel like rape. like i can’t have sex right now dawg. i forced myself to today and literally had to stop. sucked his dick tho baby don’t worry lmaoooo my daddy definitely got um a good good nut but. like. i couldn’t stop clenching up because my mental blocks are up because i’m fucking insane right now and just. dude. i’m going to florida so like it will be okay because i can get straightened out down there without having to worry about the long term effects of this episode on my relationship to my husband. and responsibilities will also change which will really help me honestly.

the self hatred and seething burning rage i feel towards myself is immense and difficult to process and handle. i’m writing but it’s not enough. i’m pulling away from people in real life to protect them but god damn i need. love i need affection i need to be held. i crumbled in angie’s lap for a reason. she saw me. for a moment and i couldn’t even handle it. and like the way that she so gently pet me bro and looked at me. she has been through worse than me. she understands. me. but she moved over an hour away from me now. i just. i need support. but i don’t know how to even like live.

[z3nitsusgf]

sewn into my silver lining 

billy butcher | you - 2.3k 

cw: angst angst angst, no happy ending, mention of blood and violence, butcher being butcher, toxic dynamics

a/n: he’s sad pathetic and sad i hope his brain turns to swiss cheese fr (affectionately)  

He comes to you bloodied and dripping in viscera.

Frenchie and Kimiko are off getting supplies, probably smooching in the middle of the snack aisle. Hughie is busy at work, being cushy with Neuman and getting his bagels stolen from his boss. MM is with his daughter, couldn’t be bothered with Butcher’s bullshit anymore. So that leaves you, sweet ol’ you, to take care of the English bastard when he comes blazing through the place.

Butcher doesn’t say much when he pushes open the door and stalks inside. His boots left red sticky patterns on the tile. He’s spattered in blood, the color so deep it looks almost black on his jacket. Another one of his ugly Hawaiian button-up’s ruined because he’s too in love with the feeling of fighting. His face smeared in the irony liquid and god - he reeks of copper and dirt.

Your lips curl at the sight of him. You’ve long since grown used to the sight, but he usually makes an attempt to clean up before he sees you. He says it’s because he doesn’t wanna hear your bitching, but you know deep down he’s saving you the anxiety of having to see him like that.

When he looks at you he gives you a wide feral smile, teeth glinting a pearly white, “Ello love, m’home.”

You can tell he’s exhausted, whether it’s physically or mentally you can’t decipher. Probably both knowing him. You scoff at his words, shaking your head as you glance over his stumbling body. He’s a wreck.

“You look like hell Butcher. What happened, ass-bomb another supe?” He fucking laughs because of course he does, his hands clutching his bruised ribs as he wheezes out breathy chuckles. Every exhale makes his eyes water, the fluttering along his ribcage shows signs of hairline fractures, a bitch to heal.

He’ll never ask for your help, only taking it when he needs it. Still, you offer it anyways.

“Good one love, but no.” He doesn’t explain anymore and you don’t ask. He gets cagey when you prod him for answers and you don’t really feel like dealing with a cunty Butcher right now.

You sigh, getting up from your place on the ragged couch. You don’t bother to turn off the TV, it's nice to have the background noise when he doesn’t speak. You’re pointing to the bathroom, a knowing look on your face.

“Come on old man, you smell like shit.” His thick brows draw up and he looks at you with a straight face, the smirk dropping off his mouth. You almost laugh, biting back the chuckle as he curls his lip at you.

“M’not that old.” He grumbles, allowing you to wrap your arm around his waist and guide him to the bathroom.

“Mhmm, yeah. Whatever helps you sleep at night, geezer.” He rolls his eyes at your words, hiding his smile.

The place is not glamorous, the building is old as shit and better left for rats and junkies. But it makes sure you all are hidden from The Seven, Homelander especially. You won’t lie though, you miss your clean, nice bathroom from your old apartment. This one is dingy, glowing with a gross-looking fluorescent that buzzes so loud you think you’ll go deaf. The porcelain tub is permanently stained with.. you don’t know what. But there’s clean(?) water and electricity, so you can’t complain too much.  

He sheds his coat, the poor thing has seen more carnage than you will in your entire life, and he sits on the closed lid of the toilet, rolling his neck in a tired manner. The bones crack, the soft warm gush floods the nerves and he sighs out in relief.

You already know the drill, pulling out a relatively clean rag and running it under the tap and a small plastic first-aid kit. You stand between his legs, dabbing at the cut on his cheekbone with the damp cloth. He doesn’t flinch or wince or even make snarky comments while you clean his bloodied face, trying to be gentle with the cuts and bruises that littered his skin. The faded yellow and blue kiss all over his skin, disappearing into his beard where you know more scars lie.

“You need to be more careful.” You mumble, swiping along his forehead.

He grins, a cheeky smile on his lips, “Why? Ya worried about dear ol’ me?”

You scoff, pushing the rag harder against his skin. He just smiles harder at the pain, the lines of his face showing as he leers up at you.

“No, I’m just running out of bandages because you keep getting your ass handed to you.” You sass back, huffing at him like he’s a stubborn dog. And he is. A stubborn old dog that’s learned his tricks and won’t drop them now because they’re embedded into his system like cancer.

“Besides, you gotta keep this pretty face intact. What will Hughie do if you lose your teeth and have to get dentures?”

You pat his cheek in a mocking manner and Butcher clicks his tongue. He comes up and pinches the side of your waist, reveling in the yelp you give him.

“Don’t act like you don’t adore this pretty face.”

You go back to wiping the carnage from his face, humming under your breath. He is very pretty, handsome like the moon. With high resting cheekbones, how his words drip from his lips like nectar. Down to the sloping breach of his nose and the puffy waterline of his sunken eyes, blinking under heavy lashes. He’s an old type of beauty, one that gets better as he ages. You’ll never admit that to him though, you’ll just admire it from far, occasionally getting to touch it when he allows you to.

It’s the little things that you know about him that give you clarity. Those small quirks only you know or notice. Like the silent way he observes the world around him. And the blank way he stares into space and seemingly disappears into his own void. The way he clasps his palms together and holds them like a prayer, keeping them close to his thighs. the way he likes his coffee - strong with lots of sugar in it and no cream).

You’re both bathed in the glow of the bathroom, the faint buzzing of the lights and the scattered talking of the TV all blend together in a calm haze. It all feels too domestic.

You’re a sweet thing, like Hughie. Young, with the world at your feet. and Butcher is dragging you down with him. He hates that he doesn’t have the heart to let you go. To tell you that none of this is worth it, that he’s self-serving and bad for you. Butcher keeps his eyes down, dark eyelashes fluttering with each soft drag of the cool fabric across his heated skin. He hardly notices the sting of the water seeping into his cuts.  It feels good, he doesn’t remember the last time someone touched him so softly. Years, he thinks. When she used to-

There’s a tenderness you show him. Like gentle April rain, you shower him in a sweetness he does not deserve. One that makes his lips purse and his jaw tick, one that reminds him too much of her.

You’re too focused on debating whether or not he’ll need stitches to notice his change in demeanor. Butcher grabs your wrist, fingers tightening around the bone. You can’t tell if he’s trying to push you away or pull you in.

“What’s wrong?” You ask, voice too soft for someone like him. You smooth your other hand over his hairline, uncaring of the sweat and blood that coats the pads of your fingers. What isn’t wrong? This whole façade is slipping out of his hands and he can’t keep pretending he’s not tired of getting up each time he gets knocked down. This world is so cruel, has been so cruel. And he doesn’t know what to do with it all.

He’s so full of rage. It’s dangerous to keep it all inside. A man only has a grip as tight as he does because he knows that if he lets go, even slightly, he will hurl himself into the abyss. He needs to hate the whole world and everything in it. Butcher doesn’t shed his pain, instead, he upholds it like a boulder over his shoulders.

He looks up at you, he feels himself wanting to just let you in. Just give up and crumble into your chest. There’s a pull in his chest that begs him to just completely open himself up to you. Let you smooth over his scarred wounds and heal the new ones. But he won’t.

His eyes harden and he’s letting go to smack your hand away from his face, the sting spreads across the back of your palm. Your lips part at the feeling.

“Quit treating me like I’m your fuckin’ daddy, cause I ain’t. You want someone to take care of so badly why don’t you get a fuckin’ dog.”

You joined knowing what kind of man he is. Hell-bent on getting rid of supes and stubborn as a mule. William Butcher was no saint, but he’s more broken than he’ll ever admit.  But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t burn whenever he’s mean.

“I-“

He’s snarling, lacing his tone with so much hot-spit rage that you draw back,

“You’re so fucking clingy n’ pathetic. You always need one of us to save ya and ya can’t even handle a bit of roughing up.”

You should be used to it by now, the brutal humiliation and the way he flips on a dime. You’ve seen it, with Hughie and Kimiko. But you’re not. You’re still soft in the center, still raw and open, still too naïve.

He’s not looking at you, he’s staring past you. Behind your silhouette and at the flickering of the bathroom light that casts dark shadows on the peeling wall. His jaw is clenched so hard you’re almost worried about him chipping his teeth, there’s a vein that pops on his forehead.

You clench the rag tighter in your fist, there are salty crystalline tears that prick your waterline. You always hate crying in front of the boys, especially Butcher.

“Fuck you, you’re such-“ You inhale shakily, the air so hot and humid you want to choke.

“You’re such an asshole, Butcher.”

It’s juvenile at best, your shitty little comeback is all you can throw back in his face. Words he’s heard a million times. He chuckles, eyes roaming over your face, he sees the glassy look in your eyes, the lip tucked between your teeth. He lands the final blow, severing it completely.  

“One of us has to be. Can’t have you ruinin’ everything just cause you’re too weak to get it done.”

He twitches at the breathy inhale you give. He’s got this clenched look on his face, the plane of his features so blank you want to just crumble on the spot. His mouth is pursed, eyebrows drew together in a way that shows he’s serious.

How does he always manage to make you feel bad for wanting to be good?

Butcher knows he’s a piece of shit, knows that you’re just an innocent thing that got caught in the cross-fire. He’s always pushed and pushed and pushed everyone’s boundaries, to see how far they can go before they leave. But he still wants to punch himself when he hears your sniffles. The quiet quiver of your lip and the subtle tremble in your knuckles as you completely pull back from between his thighs.

He misses your warmth.

Sometimes you hate him, sometimes you wish he’d just disappear and never come back like he often threatened to do when everyone was getting too soft. Like right now, you want to smack him in the mouth for being so… so mean. You know it’s stupid, childish, but you want him to understand.

But then he saddles up to you like a beaten dog. Looking at you with soft dark eyes and giving you a worn smile that makes your heartache. You hate to admit that Butcher has wormed his way in, like smoke in your clothes. You always knew he would come back, even if he never made any promises. A silly childish part of you always hoped that he would stay.

Maybe that’s your mistake, thinking he would ever soften up. Even if it was for you.

He’s silent, brooding, acting like it’s not even a big deal. That makes you snap, the disregard he has for everyone. You snarl at him, lips curling over your teeth as you bare your incisors at him. You fling the rag into his face, turning on your heel as you call out over your shoulder,

“Clean yourself up or don’t, I don’t fucking care.”

Your tone is so watery, so filled with that tiredness that Frenchie and MM have. It makes him sick. Butcher jumps slightly when he hears you slam the front door. He can hear your boots as they stalk away, the muffled sniffles coming from your nose. he knows you’ll go off, whether to cry or be alone (or both), but he doesn’t make any move to stop you.

He’s alone.

He knows you’ll come back. Knows that in the dark of night you’ll slip back into the apartment. And if not, Kimiko and Frenchie will go and find you, pleading with you to come back and give it another chance. They always do.

Butcher clings to the rag you threw at him, fisting the material as he grits his teeth.

Why is he like this? Why can’t he just be satisfied with what he has? Why must he always crave more? Why is it so goddamn exhausting to keep himself indifferent? He’s never felt sad, only despair. Never mad, only full of resentment. He’s never been embarrassed, he only knows humiliation. And he loathes to feel this way because he constantly searches his brain for a time he was truly joyous, but he always comes up empty.

Always his fault, always. You’re just another unfortunate soul that got too close, bearing the brunt of his oozing heart.

[laurenjxuregui]

i actually want to scream rn cause the 5 hour driving course that i need to take in order to schedule my road test was supposed to be on saturday but they fucking canceled it and now the next few classes are fully booked and the next one isn’t until august 22. i should’ve gotten my license a few months ago but ofc covid fucked that up and now my permit expires on my bday on the 17th which means i’m gonna have to go for my permit test AGAIN. why do i even bother i just give up like it’s just discouraging at this point

[romiantic]

𝐍𝐎𝐓 𝐀𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐆

⇢ ˗ˏˋ 𝒓𝒚𝒐𝒕𝒂 𝒌𝒊𝒔𝒆 𝒙 𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒓!𝒃𝒍𝒂𝒄𝒌!𝒇𝒆𝒎!𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒆𝒓 ࿐ྂ

彡 ❛ 𝐚 𝐧𝐨𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐥 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐫𝐭 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐚 𝐛𝐞𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐢𝐟𝐮𝐥 𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐩𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐞 ❜

彡 𝗳𝘁. ryota kise

彡 𝗴𝗲𝗻𝗿𝗲: fluff with very little angst

彡 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗱 𝗰𝗼𝘂𝗻𝘁: 2.3k

彡 𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀: suggestive theme at the end

彡 𝗮𝘂𝘁𝗵𝗼𝗿’𝘀 𝗻𝗼𝘁𝗲: all characters are 18+. also can we talk about how BOMB this song is 🤧 y’all sleepin on this song fr

·˚ ༘ੈ✩‧₊˚ ╰┈➤ ❛❛ 𝙄 𝙇𝙊𝙑𝙀 𝙏𝙃𝙀 𝙒𝘼𝙔 𝙔𝙊𝙐 𝘿𝙊 𝙄𝙏 ❜❜

❝ 𝐘/𝐍 𝐇𝐔𝐑𝐑𝐘 𝐘𝐎 𝐀𝐒𝐒 𝐔𝐏! You have two minutes till showtime.” Your manager, AKA, older brother, barged and announced to you like he didn’t update you almost five minutes ago.

You did your usual of sucking your teeth and rolling your teeth every time he barged in and interrupted your call, you replied with annoyance in your tone, “AJ I know! Can you wait a minute? Damn, so impatient for absolutely no reason.”

“I’m sorry who’s the one with hundreds of thousands of fans screaming their name and waiting for their ass outside? Me or you? Oh okay. Anyways, end yo little call with yo boyfr-”

“He’s not my boyfriend!” You interrupted, becoming irritated with your brother and simply wanted him to shut the fuck up. A great manager and brother, yet way too uptight for his job.

AJ rolled his eyes and muttered something but you flipped him off and pretended not to hear him until he left your dressing room. You gave your attention back to your phone, giving a cheeky smile to the blonde boy on your screen. From the corner of his eye, he noticed a nervous look growing on you but from what you could tell, he was choosing what shirt to wear to his photoshoot. Leaving him to be seen with a no top on and a pair of denim jeans.

Though it was typical to see your best friend’s exposed upper body, it was a sight you never got used to. His well-toned body, results from years of playing basketball in middle and high school, making your face hot, adding on to the nervousness you were already facing from your upcoming performance. Along with the pearly white smile he flashed at you creating a sick feeling in your stomach, something that you made you clench onto it and try to ignore. Now was not the time to be drooling over your best friend, who interrupted your stare with a laugh and said, “Are you gonna keep staring or are you gonna take a picture?”

Of course, he’d ruin it with some cocky line like that, you rolled your eyes and sucked your teeth. “Boy calm down, ain’t nobody wanna was staring.”

“Your nervous face said otherwise.”

“Akekeke, don’t you have a photoshoot to go to?”

Kise replied with the same energy as yours, “And don’t you have a performance to go to?”

You held up a finger to a screen then crossed your arms, “Aht aht, don’t worry about me now. Worry about yo lil pictures with that famous ass Russian model.” You wanted to roll your eyes just thinking about the brought-up woman but it would make it seem like you’re being jealous for no reason.

Kise let out a small laugh, adoring the irritated look that was starting to creep up on your face. “Somebody sounds jealous.”

You rolled your eyes and let out a scoff, “Oh please, like I would be.” You looked at the time on your watch and noticed it was about one minute until your performance. Your eyes widened at the time and hurried, you quickly ended the call with Kise, “Shit, fuck! I gotta go perform but I’ll call you back when I’m done.”

“And I’ll be waiting for you beautiful when you get back.” The golden-eyed boy winked at you yet you cringed and scrunched your face. “You’re so fucking corny Kise.” You hung up the call, grab any other pieces missing from your outfit, and headed out of your dressing room.

You traveled quickly around backstage, passing by many coworkers and background dancers waiting for you, to head into the small tunnel for artists to come out on stage. You stopped at the exit and gulped as you scanned the stage. An outside arena with hundreds of thousands of fans cheering your name, waiting for your appearance.

Usually, you would be at ease with concerts this large but for some reason this time is different. Unknowing the reason nor cause, you started to feel anxious, your hands mildly shaking and your throat going dry.

There was something in the back of your mind attempting to not make you perform, something telling you to not do it, it won’t be good, people will hate you. A voice there to influence thoughts, hoping that you would fall into the trap and just give up on singing. Though of course, you wouldn’t listen to that voice, that voice always lingered around whenever you were brought to perform, no matter where you were.

The only thing to distract you and keep you safe from that tiny voice is someone who you’ve longed to love. One who just settles your nerves, bringing comfort, and removing all anxious thoughts. One who would deem you as one of the greatest artists he’s ever listened to, maybe it’s opinionated but he loves you too much to disagree.

The now dawdling thought of his soft voice whenever he spoke or his flirtatious nature when you two joked around made a familiar feeling grow greater than before. Something replaced the anxiousness that was growing, a feeling that replaced the nervousness and calmed your shaky hands. Something that was the thought of Ryota Kise, he was like the medicine to all the pain you’ve suffered. A remedy to your anxiety, one of the many causes of the cheeky smile social media often sees you with.

Someone who you grew up and spent all your life with, always noticing how protective he was of you or the way he hummed one of your pre-recorded tracks that he was the only one to listen to. Celebrating one of your songs had hit #1 on the Billboard chart and the way he helped out whenever you hit writer’s block.

Every single thing, noticeable or not, made you grown to love the boy, starting from a platonic, playground friendship blooming to many years of trying to figure out if you are romantically in love with him. Growing familiar feelings of butterflies mixed with the thought of just wanting to cup his face and kiss him whenever he was around.

Just the ultimate feeling of wanting to be buried in the blonde boy’s arms and explain the blooming love for him made you want to sing the song you wrote for him. A new single that you never wanted to put out since you wanted only Kise to hear it, including that the song was your way of telling him what you felt all these years.

Though something changed your mind, something in your brain told you to tell everyone around you that you’re singing solo, no backup singers or dancers, only you on that stage. In this performance, you just had to do it yourself, nothing but you, the stage, and the microphone.

Everyone was confused by the last-minute change of plans but went along with it. They rescheduled it to where your first “official” song to start the concert with was right after your solo performance. You gave thanks to your team and took some deep breaths. You made sure your Bluetooth set was on and working properly in your ear, AJ handed you a mic and brushed off any wrinkling from your outfit and any smoothed out your hair. Uptight about his job yet made sure his little sister was looking the greatest for her performances.

You took deep breaths again, shook off any bad nerves, and walked on stage. The already excited crowd enraged and their volume expanded as they saw you stand before them. Everyone waving their signs that said, “I love you y/n!!” or “Y/N is so beautiful!” You waved to the audience and stopped at the middle of the stage, walking closer to the front of the stage as well.

You turned on the mic and tapped it to see if it was working, “Mic check one two, can you guys hear me?” The crowd immediately responded yes, you continued on to talk to them, “Okay good, have been getting technical difficulties with my mic and I really don’t feel like switching mics three times. Anyways, afternoon to all my lovely fans who made it out here or to those that are watching me live. I love you all and thank you for supporting me, I truly am grateful for every single one of y’all.” Everyone screamed out how much they love you and adore you, showing off their merch that they bought and waving the homemade posters.

You smiled at their response and cleared your throat as you introduced the song, “Thank you, I love you too. This first song is one that has been sitting too comfortably in my heart. A piece that came from genuine emotions and feelings I’ve tried to bury yet couldn’t no matter how hard I tried. It’s something that I never planned on dropping but I just felt like the world had to hear what I had to say. Hopefully, you guys enjoy it cause I did when I was writing this song at two in the morning before I snuck into the studio and recorded it. Was it worth it? Definitely. Now I may introduce to you, Not Another Love Song. A contradicting title isn’t it?”

You took a large breath in and out, you took a position as you waited for the beat to drop. As soon as you heard the familiar melody start, you sang, “I don’t wanna mess this up, could it be too much to say I’m in?”

The crowd lowered down and became silent to hear your new single, grasping the beautiful new lyrics you were singing and just vibing along with it.

You yourself were placing emotion as you sang, not noticing how proudly you sang the chorus or how you were smiling at the crowd the entire time. One thing was clouding your mind to even pay attention to those details, the same thing that more than likely pushed you to sing the song.

As you sang, the feelings for your best friend grew stronger, butterflies in your stomach, and the deprivation of his touch grew on you. Not even realizing how much you missed him until you turned initially to smile at AJ and your team yet saw a familiar face appear as well. You questioned it but then turned back to continue singing to the audience, only thinking that mind is playing games with you.

“I'm finna take my time, my mind, my rules. This ain't no crimе makin' love to you, though you ain't say this. But I had a hard time waitin' for you, boy. Like ooh, boy, you, boy. Got me where you want, just gotta say and it's on, it's like, ooh, boy, do you know you got me like where do you go when you're alone?”

As you sang, you noticed the crowd growing silent, their eyes widening, and their jaws dropping. You were utterly confused at was catching their attention, you turned to your team and your brother pointed behind, giving you a goofy smile as well.

You turned around to what was the cause of this silent commotion and right along with everyone else, your jaw drop and your eyes widened. The flirtatious, handsome model that everyone knew of was standing in front of you with a bouquet of roses in his hand. He walked up to you and smiled greatly, closing in the large gap between the both of you.

Seeing him walk closer to you made you want to say forget concert and sing the rest to him. Half of your feeling was already poured out, not even knowing he was listening to all of it. You didn’t think he would even be here since he had a photoshoot, not standing on an outside stage with a bouquet of roses and dressed in casual attire.

He handed you the roses and kissed your forehead, telling you, “Alone with you, away from the world, where else would I be when I’m alone?”

No response came from you, not even a single gasp or a sniffle to signify that you might cry. The way you responded to his presence was something that shocked the arena, everyone watching you on live, your team, and even the two of you yourself. Who would’ve thought you would be bold enough to grab his face and kiss him right then and there? You snaked your arm around his waist and pulled him closer to deepen the kiss. He responded back by wrapping his hands around your shoulders and hugging you tightly, holding onto you to make sure you wouldn’t separate from him.

You pulled back from the kiss and smiled, softly combed his blonde hair, and expressed, “I love you, Kise.” Saying his name like it was something you’ve been aching to say, a name that you’ve buried away yet brought out today. A name that sounded so lovely and romantic when you say it.

Kise expressed as well, “I love you too y/n. I’ve always loved you and I will never stop loving you.” He kissed you again, he removed his hand from your shoulders and trailed around to find your hands. He removed your hands from his waist and instead intertwined them with his.

He felt you smile when he held your hand and smiled back. He stated in between kisses, “You know I’m staying on this stage to hear you finish that song right?”

“It’s fine, I need someone to do my next performance on anyways.” He looked at you and you did nothing but wink and mischievously smiled at him. Kise had a small idea of what he could expect but suppressed it to enjoy the soft moment he wanted between the both of you. A moment that he’ll never forget and a concert that will always be remembered for everyone around you.

彡 it’s like 5 am and I’m tired 🦧 the only thing that kept me up was the fact that I don’t have school plus I loveeeeee kise

彡 also the show olivia

彡 I don’t think I ever mentioned to y’all how much I love his ass but now is definitely not the time 😁

彡 I’m convinced if it silent black hair blue eye powerful men weren’t my type, cocky and flirtatious ones would be runner up

彡 anyways hope you guys enjoy + pleaseee listen to the song, I highly recommend plus ella mai is VERY underrated

bye babes, drink your water, stay hydrated, and remember that you are the baddest bitch on the planet 🥰 no matter what ANYONE says

𝐏𝐬𝐚𝐥𝐦 𝟏𝟖:𝟑𝟎 💗

© 𝟤𝟢𝟤𝟣 𝗄𝗈𝗂𝗌𝗁𝗂𝗀𝗎𝗋𝗈. 𝖺𝗅𝗅 𝗋𝗂𝗀𝗁𝗍𝗌 𝗋𝖾𝗌𝖾𝗋𝗏𝖾𝖽

[saltminerising]

I had a weird FR dream, I'm part of the club now! :P Previously I've only ever had little dreams like hatching a dragon I loved and then waking up. :v In this dream, it was very late at night and I was very tired. (Which is accurate, last night I stayed up and accidentally vibed until 2am..) I foolishly decided to log onto FR. In a very popular thread in FRD (I don't think it was a real one), a made up user named Fawn wondered why her mom had named her Fawn. She had used her real name as her FR name, but instead of caring about that, my sleepy self quoted her in response and said something like "It's a really nice name so don't worry, plus your mom's probably a weirdo anyway." (skull emoji)

I would NEVER say that in real life lmao. But in the dream, I was just exhausted and somehow thought I was being funny. (I think this happened in the dream because of a real passing conversation I had with my sister yesterday, where she wondered why Buttercup from the Princess Bride had been named that and I responded that it was a good name for a fairytale character.) Then I logged off and went to sleep. (I dreamed about going to sleep, yes. This is far from the first time.) I logged onto FR to see that I'd been temp-banned for "speaking in a way that did not align with FR's values". I had forgotten what I said, so I was super confused, screenshotted the message and sent it to my friends like "huh??" After the ban wore off, there had been a maintenance so I waved it off like it had been a weird maintenance glitch. Then I revisited the thread, which had blown up with people quoting me and pinging me in anger for being mean, and I made a sincere apology for my dumbness and explained what had happened. When I woke up, I didn't realize it was a dream for a couple of minutes and sleepily panicked about my FR reputation being ruined and that being my "second warning" and it would be 3 strikes and you're out. (This is because a mod once lightly booped me for bumping a thread in the wrong forum a couple years ago. :P) TL;DR: Local casual FR user has FR dream of anxiety incarnate, then wakes up and writes a book about it

[imnameim]

may I ask why youre taking a break? :(

this is a waste of time so please dont waste your time reading it. 

for my well being;; with that being said. It's been weeks coming truthfully. everytime I came online in the past few weeks I've gotten tons of hate anons which idc because like they're already making themselves look bad by sending hate let alone on anon. I've gotten people messaging me hurtful things when I've never spoken a word to them which is fine, but some of y'all get to comfortable saying things while you're hiding behind a screen and truthfully it shows. I have it instilled in my mind that when I post on MY blog whatever I say in the tags and/or post is disgusting and I'm ruining everyone's day. I admit that may not be the case but that's how I feel. I've been on Tumblr for a long ass time and only now have I encountered such animosity and hate for literally doing nothing but giffing and screaming about a group who has helped me in life more ways than I care to sit here and explain. I like making gifs and chatting with people but the anxiety that I have surrounding all of it at the moment beats my want to be here. I can turn off anon time and time again and I'm genuinely still not doing good enough for anyone on this app because it's always a complaint. So why not just take a break? You won't have to deal with me on your dash or in the tags as much. Simple. Btw, this wasn't towards you anon just explaining it. I've had a monsta x blog since may 2015 because I enjoyed spreading love fr them and sharing stuff etc and just chatting with other fans but it's only gloomy here for me despite the few handful of people I've met who have been nothing short of amazing people who are truly what make this app bearable and not so serious. I don't live in this fake fantasy or delusional that these idols 1) know me and/or 2) will come across me. This is literally tumblr not someone's whole lifestyle yet people act as if it is. I'm just tired of it truthfully. I don't know if it's just me and like if it is that's cool but I'm pretty self aware that I don't come here spreading hate, treating people bad, or intentionally make people feel uncomfortable. I just come here post some gifs, reblog stuff, make post about changkyun annoying me because he's cute and move along. Nothing more nothing less. So hating me, sending hate, spreading hate about me when you don't know me from anything but a blog for a kpop is ridiculous and I'm over it. Life is so much more than whatever the hell all this is and some of y'all need to grow up and just do better as people. Coming online and having the mentality that everyone I encounter or interact with hates me or has I'll feelings towards me is not a good mindset for anyone to be in whether it's true or not. This isn't even mentioning the amount of racist comments and fan privilege hate I get because win korean and happen to live in Korea. Like you do realize you're being racists to the same of race of your fave? Make it make sense.

[acryllcc]

I fr haven’t posted a little journal entry on here in SO LONG. Some great updates: I haven’t consumed drugs in 1 year and 7 months, I am a healthcare worker and therefore have gotten my Covid vaccine, I am done with school after this summer and will earn my bachelors degree, justus and I are really great 🤍, my mom is pregnant, I have a healthy relationship with my little brother again, and yeah. I still have bad anxiety about everything else. I’m probably going to ask to work from home because my new car is racking up miles like crazy driving to chandler every day. I worry about my oldest brother and younger brothers mental health....I worry about my dad and his mental health. I am beginning to resent justus’ parents even though they are so loving towards me which is just my stupid brain telling me to find something to hate about the good ppl around you, which has ruined every single one of my relationships in my life lmao. I still have 0 friends. Life is better but I’m still a sorry ass loser with no friend to escape to when I want a break from justus or my family.

[johannesviii]

Top 12 Personal Favorite Hit Songs from 2014

The “least good” of the three best years of the 2010s. This is still a top 12. Because I can, and I will.

I know. People also call it a bad year. And I think they’re wrong.

Disclaimers:

Keep in mind I’m using both the year-end top 100 lists from the US and from France while making these top 10 things. There’s songs in English that charted in my country way higher than they did in their home countries, or even earlier or later, so that might get surprising at times.

Of course there will be stuff in French. We suck. I know. It’s my list. Deal with it.

My musical tastes have always been terrible and I’m not a critic, just a listener and an idiot.

I have sound to color synesthesia which justifies nothing but might explain why I have trouble describing some songs in other terms than visual ones.

New job, which is the one I still have currently. Also, I discovered Doctor Who in December 2013 and you know exactly what happened in 2014 because I dived head first into the extended universe as soon as I finished New Who and I’ve never really recovered since then. The end of the year was highly stressful, with my cat being sick, my father needing a very dangerous surgical intervention, and me being so stressed out I was basically unable to sleep for days. Might explain why there’s a lot of cute songs on this list, I needed cute stuff.

That year wasn’t very generous in good albums from bands I liked. Epica released The Quantum Enigma, and it was okay, Within Temptation had Hydra, and it was also okay, and Coldplay had the very underrated (in my opinion at least) Ghost Stories, a mostly melancholic album full of bittersweet post-breakup songs. So I’m left with no choice but to declare The Birthday Massacre’s album Superstition my album of the year for 2014. They had stayed at a consistent level since Pins And Needles so I wasn’t expecting anything better from them, but boy do they delivered. Here is Divide, it’s about a subterranean world and it might be a metaphor but as you know I’m very literal-minded! Here’s Beyond, about a lady falling in love with a strange woman who might be some sort of fae or supernatural entity!! I love most of the album and there’s only one subpar song on it. I know they’ll never get a crossover hit but they’d deserve it so much. Look at the state of the world. We’re so ready for a new mainstream wave of energetic, angsty, weird music. Just bring it on.

There’s only one non-elligible song that truely pisses me off this time, and it’s Traffic Girl by Indochine, another single from their Black City Parade album. It’s about a policewoman in North Korea who has to wave and smile at non existant traffic all day long and the song presents her as a modern hero. It’s one of my favorite songs on the album and I’m so mad it didn’t make the French year-end list.

Here’s a list of honorable menti-holy shit why is this list so long

Albatraoz (AronChupa) - Riiiiiight at the limit between catchy and annoying. But it’s blissfully short.

Chandelier (Sia) - I would like this more if it wasn’t that painful to listen to, I swear.

Magic in the Air (Magic System) - Insert my usual comment about these guys and their fun & happy songs.

Un Jour Au Mauvais Endroit (Calogero) - Great music, good lyrics. It’s still Calogero and I tend to dislike how overdramatic he usually is. Not enough to ruin that one song for me though.

Je Garde le Sourire (Black M) - This isn’t the last time he’s gonna appear in this post.

Prayer In C (Lilly Wood & The Prick) - A bit repetitive but in a good way.

Budapest (Georges Ezra) - A bit repetitive but in a good way 2, the return but in a completely different genre.

The Monster (Eminem & Rihanna) - We’ve now entered the songs which I considered putting on the list, and yeah, there’s a lot of them even if this is a top 12. “Bad year for pop music”. Yeah. Right.

Addicted To You (Avicii) - This is good, and the music video is great, and I want to stop feeling emotional about Avicii. Please.

Don’t Tell Em (Jeremih) - I. Uh. What the f█ck. Okay. There’s no way I can justify this. I simply adore this beat even if the lyrics are really, really bad. It’s just visually stunning and I really wish the song itself was better.

Photomaton (Jabberwocky) - I don’t think this would have charted without the success of Kavinsky the previous year. But still. Wonderful stuff. Well deserved.

Madame Pavoshko (Black M) - This was on the first version of the list but in the end I really had no room left for it. It’s a song about a guy telling his old teacher he made it in life despite the fact she labelled him a hopeless case at school. With such a premise, it could be an angry song, but no, it’s upbeat, sarcastic and fun. Wonderful stuff.

Le Graal (Kyo) - Kyo? Wait, you mean the embarrassing emo guys from my 2002 and 2003 lists? These guys?? They were back on the charts after ten years?? And suddenly everyone thought it was cool to like them again?? Including me??? Sounds fake but okay

Turn Down For What (DJ Snake) - The last cut. Stim music at its finest, sharp, aggressive and colorful. Everything I ever wanted from a hit song.

Well, that was long. Here’s the actual list.

12 - Wake Me Up (Avicii)

US: #22 / FR: Not on the list

“So wake me up when it’s all over, when I’m wiser and I’m older” should make no sense. You can’t get wiser if you’re asleep. At least that’s what I would probably say if I didn’t feel this. There’s a lot of times in my life I wished I could be switched off and woken up a couple of years later and be like “hello I’m back, I feel better now, what did I miss”. I totally get it.

The only reason this song is so low on the list is the drop. I don’t like it very much. The rest is damn good.

11 - Boom Clap (Charlie XCX)

US: #34 / FR: #84

Boom! Boom! Boom! CLAP. That song got me after its first seconds. Love its atmosphere, very cotton candy-like, very fluffy, with a sharp voice. Doesn’t work well if you listen to it on a loop, though, and that’s the only negative thing I can say against it.

10 - Stay The Night (Zedd)

US: #94 / FR: Not on the list

This on the other hand works very well on repeat and that drop is golden. I’m afraid I don’t have anything very interesting to say about it. It stayed on my playlist from 2014 to summer 2019, though, so that’s an impressive feat.

9 - Rather Be (Clean Bandit)

US: #41 / FR: #18

Several critics I follow have commented this song is 1) mostly meaningless 2) too perfect to say anything about it and I agree. It’s also too perfect to be really passionate about it, unfortunately, but still, very, very good stuff.

8 - Magic (Coldplay)

US: Not on the list / FR: #66

You already know I don’t really like lowkey emotional songs and I also hate the first act of Coldplay’s career, so why on earth did I like Ghost Stories so much and why is Magic making me feel so emotional, you ask? Well it’s because the music itself isn’t bland. It’s lowkey but rich, dense and colourful, and it works much better than whatever they were doing before with their slow boring songs. Also, I really struggle with dramatic vocal performances on quiet emotional songs (which is why I tend to have issues with Adele’s voice on some of her stuff), and here the balance is just ideal. Soft colors, soft textures, soft voice, this is like a colorful plushie you’ve lost for years and just found in the attic and it brings you to tears. I adore it.

Also the part of the lyrics that goes “And if you were to ask me / After all that we've been through / Still believe in magic? / Oh yes I do”, that makes me want to hug someone and never let go.

7 - Waves (Mr Probz)

US: Not on the list / FR: #15

This is completely hypnotic. It’s perfect to drive, to walk, to draw. to sit on a bench and look at the trees. It’s just wave after wave of pastel colors with a good beat and it washes away your anxiety slowly but surely. Therapeutic and beautiful without ever feeling bland. Wonderful stuff.

6 - Uptown Funk (Bruno Mars & Mark Ronson)

US: Not on the list (#1 on the 2015 year-end list) / FR: #3

Everyone loved it and I wasn’t an exception. You all know it and I’ve got nothing new or interesting to say about it. A ton of fun. Love the lyrics.

5 - Sur Ma Route (Black M)

US: Not on the list / FR: #7

If you’re wondering what’s going on in this picture, the guy is parodying a lot of famous movies or series in the music video. It’s a simple but super energetic song about trying to trace your own road in life and all the problems you encounter and how you can’t always count on people you thought were your friends. It’s very propulsive and motivating and it’s my favorite song from that guy even though he made a lot of good songs. Just great stuff. Check it out if you’ve never heard it.

Speaking of being on your own...

4 - Ain’t It Fun (Paramore)

US: #47 / FR: Not on the list

I miss hearing that kind of thing on the radio and yes, I’m aware that makes me sound like an old idiot. Oh how I wish this had been released in 2010 when I just started to work, that would have been perfect. I know the song is supposed to be sarcastic with the whole “ain’t it fun being on your own” angle, but yeah, when your life wasn’t great before, it’s actually liberating to “live in the real world”, even if it sucks at times, even if it’s difficult and you have responsibilities and all.

Also the music video is super cute. Love it.

3 - Pompeii (Bastille)

US: #12 / FR: Not on the list

I’m honestly surprised this is only #3 on this list considering how much I loved this one back when it came out, and don’t get me wrong, it’s still a song I love to this day, just... a bit less. Maybe it’s because of overplay? I’m not exactly sure considering #1 was also played very often and I never ever got tired of it. And it’s well written, and it’s not every day that you hear a song about two dead people talking about the wrath of the gods after their city was engulfed in ash.

So yeah. Not sure what happened there. I hope this band is eventually gonna have another hit like this one. Bastille, more of Pompeii and less of Happier, please.

2 - Dangerous (David Guetta)

US: Not on the list / FR: #8

A few months ago I heard Memories by Maroon 5 and I was instantly filled with a truely disproportionate amount of rage for such a bland pop song. See, I love it when music uses well-known classical tunes and completely changes their context and tone, but Memories doesn’t do any of that, it’s just the Pachelbel canon with some bad lyrics on top. So yeah, it’s a pet peeve.

Dangerous, on the other hand, is a song mixing a small loop of Toccata & Fugue in D minor and it basically uses it as an ominous pseudo-police siren in a song about illegally cruising a car with your possibly criminal, possibly gangster crush and not knowing if you’re scared, in love or feeling the thrill of adventure, or all of that at once. I. Love this damn song.

When the only bad thing I have to say about a song talking about driving at night way too fast is “eh this isn’t as good as Kavinsky”, you know you’ve found gold.

1 - A Sky Full of Stars (Coldplay & Avicii)

US: #51 / FR: #9

As much as I love Dangerous, there wasn’t any doubt about what would top this list. I’ve spent about ten lists explaining how my appreciation of Coldplay kept growing over time and four lists explaining how much I loved Avicii, and this song is the best of both worlds. The first time I heard it, I was driving and, no joke, I was so overwhelmed I had to park my car to properly concentrate on the song.

One day I will have to paint this song to explain how fantastic it looks and I’d have to use purple, china blue and pink watercolor inks and basically paint a psychedelic night sky full of little lights and yeah, this is basically another of these songs that are deeply satisfying on a synesthetic level, and it joins this very select club with the blue song called “Blue”, the song full of bright flashes called “Lights” and the song that looks like gentle pulsing lights called “Fireflies”. I’m trying (and failing) to learn how to play it on the piano. I know the chords, and I suck, but I’m very determined.

On top of that deeply satisfying visual, there’s the soft vocals so specific of the Ghost Stories album, and the very simple, very cute lyrics, and I simply hear “'Cause you're a sky, 'cause you're a sky full of stars, I'm gonna give you my heart” and I die instantly. This is high quality musical fluff. Come to think of it, this list is full of it, and this is the Ultimate Fluffy Song. One fluff to rule them all.

Sidenote, considering I fell into the DW audios right when this song came out, that’s one of my theme songs for Eight and Charley. Because of course it is.

Next up: The beginning of a progressive drop in quality but you wouldn’t be able to tell considering how long this list of honorable mentions is