#anyway find us alive is such a good podcast :D

[utilitycaster]

You know, it's been hard to find a lot of meta I wish to reblog in the wbn tag. To be fair while it's doing incredibly well it is early on and I find that podcast meta is often harder to find anyway (people are more likely to listen while out and about and move on, I think, than dwell and write stuff) but I think what gets me is that what meta there is feels representative of many of my frustrations that have been endemic in the D&D actual play fandom at large as of late: a belief in ontological evil among mortals; an insistence that works validate one's pre-existing beliefs; and a focus on applying real-world morality (or, more frequently, the buzzword version thereof) rather than letting a story be told - often due to what appears to be a pretty profound ignorance of fantasy genre norms.

The most recent episode (#13, Of the Gentle Sea) illustrates this particularly well. In case you're reading this but are not familiar (and don't mind spoilers), Eursulon (one of the PCs, and a spirit, or Wild One) frees Naram, an ocean deity (a Great Wild One, also a spirit) trapped by wizards, making good on his pact to Naram's wife, Orima, a nature deity who had destroyed much of the nearby countryside in her rage and was only held off from doing the same to the city of Port Talon via massive witchfires. He does this with the knowledge that Steel, the guardian of his companion Suvi, both human wizards of the imperial citadel, was coming to free Naram herself. Freeing Naram immediately causes Eursulon to become trapped in the same prison (which, as a much less powerful spirit, nearly kills him), and alerts the wizards who had imprisoned him. Ame, the third party member, and a witch, was held off from joining Eursulon, and serves to mediate Naram's decision, whether to give up a significant amount of his own power, or whether to do damage in the real world. She encourages him towards the latter. A battle ensues in the harbor, with the wizards attacking Naram (who spares some of the younger ones less responsible for his imprisonment) and Naram causing a tidal wave that burns out the witch fires and kills the guards posted there and making way for the less merciful Orima to arrive. Suvi directs those who will listen to her to help the people of the city instead.

All of this is fairly standard fantasy (or more broadly speculative fiction - replace wizards with "scientists" and imprisoning Naram with "exploiting an alien planet" and you have the same fundamental story). It's told well, notably in character details I omitted from my summary, but it is not unfamiliar to anyone with a passing understanding of genre. And yet the discussion is heavily centered on "haha fuck them wizards".

The fact is, had Eursulon waited, Steel would have come. We have reason to believe she would have kept her word and freed Naram, using her position within the empire to prevent the wizard attacks and thus maintaining peace within the city Eursulon would not have risked his nor Naram's lives and would have still made good on his oath. The hundred soldiers posted at the witch fires would be alive. Perhaps there would be a more graceful way to reunite Naram with Orima and appease her as best they could to prevent further attacks on Port Talon, the general population of which had no say in any of this.

I don't think that's what should have happened. What we got is a far more interesting story. And obviously there are multiple moral systems; but the one that spares the most innocent lives (and I am counting the soldiers of the empire as, if not innocent, not people who deserved death for their actions) is not the one we had.

There has been an undercurrent throughout of "fuck them wizards", specifically due to their position within the empire's structure. I think the problem here is that while the empire is clearly quite deeply flawed, and if nothing else the cutthroat nature thereof is why Naram was imprisoned in the first place, we don't actually know that much about it. I don't think imperialism is, to be clear, defensible, but a lot of the discussion treats anyone of the empire (often Suvi herself) as a thing to be deprogrammed or disposed of, and not an individual making what they believe to be the right choices for themselves within a system they did not create nor ask to be born into. I think some of the strange responses to Steel, too, are because we have seen her be immensely human and kind and that unsettles the desire to see the empire as a faceless, evil institution.

The discussion of Suvi in particular feels oddly impatient - we are on episode 13 of a longform campaign - because while it feels quite clearly signaled that Suvi's story will delve into the flaws of the Imperium in detail, and she will change for having known her friends, she is in many ways digging in deeper to many of her beliefs and indeed feels betrayed by what she perceives as Eursulon mistrusting her people, and her change is not a guarantee. I feel many people are just waiting for Suvi to come around to the "right" beliefs so that they can feel okay about liking her, with little interest in how that happens, ie, her story. And because Eursulon is portrayed as an outsider who has had to run for much of his life, and Ame as the empathetic mediator between worlds, their flaws (all three characters, frankly, are young and impulsive and have run off into danger on their own thus putting the others at risk) are ignored because people feel good about nodding sagely and saying "empire...bad" and forgoing any further analysis.

Having an empire as part of the world was a creative choice. It is an opportunity to explore what empire means and the people within it in a safe space - and I use safe to mean "if you die in D&D you do not die in real life", not that you are free of all discomfort - and Suvi is a character, not a vehicle to tell your that you are correct and good in all your beliefs. This is also, again, a fairly standard modern fantasy trope. Epic fantasy has always been political (what other genre has so many maps, after all) but earlier fantasy went pretty hard into ontological evil, ie, these people (sometimes, unfortunately, this race) is the bad one because they are bad and the narrative requires a faceless monolith of an enemy. Modern fantasy has, in many cases, tried to address this, and explores, for example, the idea that "empire" is still a place where people live, and that the tidal wave that was a hit against "the empire" probably destroyed the homes of a bunch of civilians. Indeed, WBN episode 13 covers this, with Suvi directing the Azure Battalion to the walls of the city in the hopes of aiding civilians at the cost of the lives of the soldiers. This is not a narrative that can be adequately understood in the framework of "*sage nod* empire [and all who in any way perpetuate its power even if they are also subject to its power themselves] bad" even though, on the whole, the empire's actions are bad. And yet, that's how many people insist on writing about it.

I focused on WBN but this is not limited to that; I've talked pretty extensively about this in CR, and it's why the thematically rich and genre-spanning D20 seasons are almost all reduced, in much of the meta into "*sage nod* capitalism...bad" even in settings that are not remotely about that (and to be clear, Fantasy High season 1, The Unsleeping City, and Mentopolis very much are at least significantly about that). Fantasy (and speculative fiction) have always been about commenting on our world in a way that is slightly removed, so as to allow us to see other perspectives; they have also always been about "hey what if I could make lightning happen by thinking super hard", and the latter does need to be respected just as much as the former. Meanwhile, actual play is not strictly a genre, but a medium, but it too needs to be acknowledged for its unpredictable nature and its limited lens - we will always be with the main party, and the "deserved" arc may not materialize if the dice don't let it.

What this all means is that a lot of meta as of late feels like it's written by someone waiting for the story to validate them, rather than written by someone trying to talk about the story actually being told to them, and as a result it's difficult to engage with because I often don't find the things people wish to be validated in to be terribly interesting, and even if I did, it feels like a very paranoid reading approach when I am looking for the reparative one; ironically, paranoid reading is often terrified of criticism because that will damn the entire work whereas reparative readings by definition need to engage with the whole, and with the context. I don't have a solution, and my thoughts on why this is happening are very tentative, but I do think that at the very least, an attempt to understand the fantasy genre, flaws and all, would give those inclined to these readings more apt expectations that at least touch on the text meaningfully.

[jetlaggingbehind]

shoutout to therapists with bad mental health never let irony take you down <3

[betweendoctorsanddetectives]

top 5 movie films! top 5 activities to do that make you feel better and alive and in love with life! top 5 sitcoms! top 5 eps of inside no 9 if you have them :D

hiiiiiiiiiiiiii thank you for asking :-)

top 5 movie films:

these are in no specific order because i struggle to pick favourites + they are liable to change often depending on how i am feeling. BUT these are 5 of my favourites

paddington 2 !!! he is a little bear he is your friend and neighbour he is part of your community and making your life better. he is escaping the criminal justice system. simon farnaby has the hots for hugh grant dressed as a nun

stoker - have been meaning to rewatch this but just generally it ticks an awful lot of boxes for me. i like the themes i do like rage and control and blood it is very nice for me

fight club - i think its good i think men SHOULD express their anger and hopelessness at capitalism via interpersonal touching and showing skin and blowing things up . barbara kruger you construct intricate rituals etc etc

god's own country - very important to me personally that there is content about gay people in the rural countryside getting covered in mud and having sex and wearing jumpers and skinning dead lambs to give lonely lambs jackets which will endear them to the sheep

the private life of sherlock holmes :-) there was a gap in the market for gay holmes solving a mystery involving the loch ness monster and by god did billy bridge that gap. my glass of tea :>

top 5 activities to love life:

find a GOOD podcast episode or audiobook (i'd recommend here something comedic but introspective. you'll have tears in your eyes are they from laughter or emotion who knows) and then go on a walk with it . doesn't matter where you walk. anywhere and everywhere. don't need to walk very long or far find a bench or a wall sit on and watch creatures or people around you

PUZZLES . you have gathered that i am into sudoku well i am also ATTEMPTING to get into crosswords. crosswords have complex codes and indicators which you need to learn along with having a baseline of knowledge of lots of topics. i think finding a topic (such as a type of puzzle) and then endeavouring to learn its secrets is a wonderful thing. approach it with kindness and eagerness . i always find it amazing when i begin to comprehend the care and passion that people have for whatever topic they love. i used to think sudokus were relatively straightforward but there's a whole world of puzzles built upon sudoku logic and there are different techniques to learn and try and there are COMMUNITIES of people who love to talk about it and share puzzles and tips

analysing something you really love will not only enrich your love of that thing and entertain and inform you, it will also allow you to appreciate everything else you encounter in life more deeply and fully. i say this all the time but texts that i have read and ideas i have explored in the name of fun with friends have made me a better and more knowledgable person and i love to notice the little things around me

um idk if this is so much an activity as an ethos but nature makes me love life. i am make an effort to get fresh air, to listen to birdsong, to pay attention to trees and mushrooms and squirrels. i love the weather no matter what the weather is outside because i love the sky i love the rain i love the sun i love the shapes clouds make and i love when its cold and when its warm. i like flowers and i like bodies of water. no matter what happens these things will be there for you and me

a lot of these points overlap but i think that is part of the joy of life. how good things link together and overlap. anyway this one is about poetry. i think it is lovely to read a poem. it will highlight to you what the poet found noteworthy and that thing will become noteworthy to you too and resonate with you at random times. an onion makes me think of love and drinking coke makes me think of love. geese make me think of being unapologetic for existing. and poetry is as detailed as you want it to be depending on how much you care to analyse it but the more you analyse the more there is to appreciate. read the same poems over and over. look up what other people have written about their interpretations. get friends to read poems and ask them what they thought of them. this point equally applies to music with poetic lyrics for example i do this with florence’s lyrics because they are poems and can be treated and appreciated as such

top 5 sitcoms is an incredibly difficult list for me to make because i love sitcoms a lot. one thing about me is i will be watching sitcoms. because i really love so many sitcoms i think i will treat this list as “which 5 do i probably rewatch the most” as opposed to “which 5 are necessarily my favourites”:

vicar of dibley - i have been watching this from a very young age, i know it very well and i still watch it often. i quote it all the time and i think of it all the time. its entirely possible that geraldine deeply informed my personality

outnumbered - i don’t watch it that much these days but the sheer amount and frequency of times that i rewatched this when i was growing up earns it a place on the list. and i DO still love it it is very dear to me. in a lot of ways it reminds me of the best parts of my own family 

community - there’s not much to explain here i just love it and i rewatch it a lot it is special and comforting 

gavin and stacey - another one i can quote pretty much in its entirety. it’s just fun and quotable and its so familiar to me that its comforting 

friday night dinner - its very repetitive i can’t even explain why i like it so much but i DO and i rewatch it a lot. i think i find the characters very likeable and again reminds me a bit of my own family . jim is very very funny as a character, as is martin. rip paul ritter truly a legend </3 i believe we were just witnessing the beginning of his potential as both a comedian and an actor when we lost him

now. to my absolute SHAME it is time to admit i have not seen much of inside no 9. it is completely up my alley and i know i’d gain a lot from watching more. i have seen a few episodes of it and did love them but i have many many left to watch and i DO plan on watching them i just. haven’t yet for some reason. although. a week or so ago i saw you post about a new episode of it and despite having no context whatsoever for what that episode was about i had a vaguely unsettling dream that i was trapped in whatever was going on in that episode. so now i have a question for YOU. what are your top 5 episodes of inside no 9?

[bisexualoftheblade-old]

how many wips do you have? like what are they all, and not the number of wips in a fandom? what are all the names?

okay. fuck you. fuck you so much. fuck you.

i’m putting this under a read more cut no one else deserves to see this shit. a lot of these are requests, and for those i will just write out the request itself

Shadowhunters:

domestic polycule fluff with tem, jessa, and will because im not a coward

Supernatural

- hehe hoho i request destiel hehehe

- request 61/? cai cai cai cai i need you to rewrite the destiel scene but yk. GOOD. not like i'm in the know about the spn fandom or anything, it's been years for me. but DO IT

Bright Sessions

- caleb/adam grisha AU

- mark bryant vs. united states aka sue the AM

- caleb/adam college fluff

Umbrella Acaademy

- request 31/? i want a ben and klaus drabble please spare me some brotherly bickering

- AND SO BEGINS NIGHT 4 with request 13/? oooh oooh can i get a raymond and allison playlist??? i think their vibes together would SLAP

- hi there night 2 is technically morning 3 but who's counting not me anyway request 5/? can i get a ben moodboard? gotta rep my tua bb

Percy Jackson

- request 9/? can i get a percabeth moodboard or quote edit?? like god they're the og couple goals take me back to high school cai

- For the 100 follower things :D Jercy getting caught in the rain

- request 29/? a drabble about literally anything to do with pjo. i’ll be happy with anyone and anything i’m love these children

- *somersaults in like I’m a real fancy acrobat* hello ello ello may I request some camp half blood chaos possible involving *does a flip* ✨side characters✨ <3

Penumbra Podcast 

- request 52/? drabble about the penumbra podcast. this is for ren bc ren likes it and i don't actually know anything about it. juno? i think? that's the one ren likes. write it for ren

- Tpp ghost hunting / buzzfeed unsolved au

- sad juno smut

- final resting place fic go brrrr

Marvel

- request 6/? i'm going to my roots y'all can i get a spider-man playlist? if not a playlist then i'd honestly be happy with literally anything involving spider-man

- request 15/? i'm going crazy this is recorded evidence of me actually losing it ANYWAY can i get a quote edit for something from iron man? literally anything that man says is gold so cai's choice :D he deserved better in endgame i'm still bitter

- request 42/? do another spidey thing that differs from the other spidey thing

- request 73/? you have Opinions. rant about infinity way and/or endgame. go.

- request 74/? quote edit for deadpool!!

- spideytorch relationship character study

- peter parker as a tired grad student monitoring the young avengers (send help)

Six of Crows

- okay listen i wasn't going to request anything bc i worry about you but also? if you want to/have the time hit me with a playlist for our girl nina zenik

- request 43/? fuckin give me the ending anya should have had. she is alive and with her new son and having a great time

- request 45/? inej moodboard?

- request 47/? will you make literally any meme of your choosing for six of crows?

- request 48/? write a drabble for kaz, my favorite bastard

- okay so i don't actually like nina or mattias that much but i still wanna hear about your thoughts (and also see if you'll change my mind)

- kaz brekker turning 18 fic. birthday party, everyone singing, whole shebang. i need it stat

- religious trauma fic aka i started shipping kaz/alina/inej and i can’t stop

- kaz trauma soup (he has D.I.D. and you can’t prove me wrong)

- my two redacted fics for @grishaversebigbang​

- wesper fake dating

- six of crows bright sessions crossover: everyone gets therapy

TMA

- uhh... s1 gang having a nice time? melanie getting to have some Pride™️? some "fun" horror thing?

- request 7/? spare steph and jason bonding? please sir? spare some for a humble child such as myself?

- okay so this was meant for night 3 but i had midterm shit SO this is honorary night 3 let's DO THIS request 8/? i want a moodboard of extremely out of context magnus archives shit like i mean confuse the FUCK out of me i don't go here i know Nothing about it

- request 11/? OKAY so i need tim stoker meeting tim drake now i need my timmy to meet your tim plus i want to see character differences no i'm not trying to create a tim stoker in my head so i can read a's fic while NOT thinking of tim drake whaaaaaat you're crazy

- request 18(i think)/? i need a quote edit of every time within the first like. 15 eps of tam where jon is like “sounds fake but go off” thank u bb

- request 40/? i challenge you to write a tma drabble based only on the episodes i've heard. i'm currently halfway through episode 23

- Jon being lovingly bullied into taking a break. I'm aware this has been written a million times but it is one of my favorite things.

- spiral!sasha AU

- extinction martin go brrrrr

- high school era timsasha. they've both been friends for years, and everyone always asks when they will be a couple. they decide to fake date, to prove everyone wrong and show what a bad couple they would be. turns out that's a bit trickier than they thought

- after sasha comes back, tim is broken. he can't let go, scared that if he looks away for even a minute he'll lose her again. sasha suggests shibari as a way for him to give up control

- sasha pov mag 19 au, sacrificing herself to save the others, knows that if she gives herself up to the not!them it will let the others live

- this is the "tim finds a polaroid of sasha" trope

- early archives days,, long nights in research,,, clothes sharing,, somft. late nights and falling asleep at their desks warm and safe in the other's presence

- two parts: timsasha as kids, each picking a constellation that is "theirs". just soft kid antics. tim at sasha's grave glancing up to see their constellations

- continuing your job’s a joke (you’re broke)

DC Comics

- TIMSTEPH HADESTOWN AU,,,

- my redacted fic for @batfam-big-bang​

- request for you to get a decent amount of sleep? serious answer, dickkori, SAL's Venus

- request 4/? timsteph morning after 👀 mayhaps?

- a concept: nonbinary stephanie brown

- teehee hi mom, you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to, but can i request damian angst for your accomplishments 100 followers?

- hi you can ignore my first request if you want, or you can ignore this one. but bls possibly write some bikini ra’s? -the bikini bitch

- request 27/? jay is asking through me for a jondami playlist but tbh i also want it so win win yk?

- "I don't know how to help you but I can help you find someone who does" with bruce and jason? im just craving bruce being a good day to jason for once

- “I am putting you in time out because you need to understand the consequences of your actions.” with steph and jason as dumbass disaster bi best friends pretty please?

- request 32/? timsteph patrol date!!!

- request 33/? timsteph *gala* date? mayhaps??

- request 37/? tim drake drabble but make it Edgy cai

- request 39/? drabble of a prank war between tim and damian

- joyfire cuddly fluff please? or like just any outlaw fluff if joyfire isnt your thing (feel free to add every member of the outlaws, dont feel like u gotta stick with jason, kori, roy i love them all)

- barbara and robin! jason fluff? bonding over books or something?

- request 62/? i need a drabble about the chaotic trio jason, tim, and steph i'm love them ty

- request 63/? batfam x mcu crossover. batfam meets ironfam. give me ALL the cliches. ALL OF THEM

- request 64/? young justice x young avengers - jay cuz idk SHIT about the young avengers

- request 66/? jondami moodboard pls and ty

- request 67/? timsteph moodboard!!!!!!

- request 69/? HEHEHE kinky 😏 i would v much like a timsteph drabble of the almost first time. does that make sense? like i don't want you to go all the way NSFW cuz i know that's against the rules and i'm a rule follower. but like they *almost* go all the way. this could be fade to black or some shit i don't care just make it a lil steamy and have Fun

- i request damian angst! all of it

- hmm... maybe i request? jondami?

- mayhaps,,,,some batfam,,,,,committing crimes? ily be gay do crime <3 - lu

- How about a ficlet with Steph and Cass?

Found Family Bingo Prompts

- no powers au

- tunnel

- first day

- join the club

- hurt/comfort

- experiment

- playing favorites

- hold on

- possession

- 10 o’clock

- singing

- road

- snitch

- curfew

- timer

- fantasy au

- zombie au

- dreams

- campfire

- are you okay

- movie night

- games

- scared

Miscellaneous

- a request: Write A Drabble, Coward

- is it too late to request a moodboard for me?

- request 20/? i’m going off book because i’m in a Chaotic Mood™️ can you just absolutely vibe check me like go off cai demolish me

- request 21/? i formally request that you pick a favorite cai. i don’t care what that favorite pertains to, just pick a favorite something

- request 23/? roast me

- request 24/? can i have a buzzfeed unsolved spoopy playlist but spoiler alert it’s not spoopy bc shane doesn’t believe does this make sense it has been a Day™️

- request 25/50 i want a jake and amy fic make it Soft cai i’m love them b99 is so good

- request 28/? i know nothing about the lord of the rings so make something that will confuse the shit out of me

- request 34/? malvie and jaylos moodboards 😈

- request 35/? a moodboard for the bbb mods!! perceive all of us!!!

- request 36/? moodboard for the tua mods too???? mayhaps??

- request 41/? doctor WHO? idk but i want a drabble of him and the one character i know from doctor who which is rose

- request 46/? make an alignment meme with our group, have fun!!!

- request 49/? i want you to kin assign me a character from every fandom you can/want to. go feral

- request 50!!!!/? this is a special request. the most special request. can you make a bastards tbh playlist? i want our vibes encapsulated. i want us in music form. i want to hear those songs and be like "that's me and cai" and smile.

- requests 51/? i know jack shit about good omens. explain it to me in the most confusing way possible. make me know less by the end than i know now

- request 53/? can you write a mel aesthetic? i'm Curious

- request 54/? give me a list of book recs cai i want some good book recs pls

- request 56/? edit a picture of US together too

- request 58/? oooh can i have a disney edit? like. hm. i just really love disney and i want anything to do with disney. like a quote or an aesthetic or an aesthetic edit i just want disney.

- request 59/? i would v much like a recipe for carbonara. i've never had it but it sounds fucking delicious

- request 60/? ooh hey can i get a makeup tutorial? i know you like makeup, i'm shit at doing makeup. teach me

- request 65/? i need the most emo playlist you can make that vibes with dear evan hansen thank you

- request 68/? i want a superwholock moodboard. this can be serious, with the actual fandoms in mind, or literally what the era felt like. the insanity. the horror.

- request 70/? ooh ooh ooh do you have a good bread recipe?? i wanna get that bread

- request 71/? i want a playlist with the vibes of summoning a demon. please don't ask questions. i don't have answers. and if i do, no i don't.

- For the requests, how about writing something based on a friend?

- request 75/? MMMM i want literally anything to do with natasha, pierre, and the great comet of 1812

- request 76/? i want some healthy recipes. help a girl out

- a feral bbb quote or two?

- you perceive my plant but now I dare thee to perceive mine own visage

- okay this is a two for one request. 1. you did the bee movie script so now we need a shrek two script edit 2. sleep please

- Pansexual mb for my lil queer soul?

- my (probably) final request is just for you to ramble about something, i don't really care what

- HI ILY CONGRATS AS WELL CAUSE IM LATE BUT CONGRATS. could i request a pirates of the caribbean (or just pirates) or whatever you what to do, free range.

- mood board for the beluga whales who got brought to the animal sanctuary in Iceland please?

- 100 follower request: Moodboard for my stuffed cow Oaky?

[gtschnickschnack]

This writing’s been around for a bit. I liked the idea of writing a fic in transcript format

Plot: While sorting things Tim brings back something neat he found to show the others (it’s borrower Jon)

length: its pretty short, like 1k maybe?

cw: gt typical manhandling, borrower called by it/its for one half

The role of archivist goes to Sasha and ofc Jon is the borrower :) I feel like this is fine to read if you don’t know the podcast since it takes place in s1, but at some points a bit confusing maybe. I dont think its a nice format to read in general but it was a fun exercise I wanted to share

————

[CLICK]

[DOOR OPENING]

TIM: Guys, I found something.

MARTIN: Hm?

ARCHIVIST: What is wh- (surprised) woah, what is that!

[TWO PAIRS OF FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING TIM]

MARTIN: Wh- Is, is that alive?

TIM: Very sure, it’s moving a lot.

MARTIN: Bloody hell, where did you even find that?

TIM: Under a shelf. It was carrying a paperclip.

MARTIN: Why?

TIM: Don’t ask me! I mean.. What are we gonna do with this thing?

ARCHIVIST: I'm still stuck on what that even is.

MARTIN: It's so small…It looks pretty scared though, should we set it down?

TIM: I don't know, it’s squirming a lot. I’m scared it will just hurt itself.

MARTIN: You think it has wings? Like would it get out of a box?

ARCHIVIST: No, I don't think so.

MARTIN: I'll get a box. [FADING FOOTSTEPS AND SHUFFLING SOUNDS]

TIM: It looks just like a person, but… really little.

ARCHIVIST: It does…. Very expressive face. (to Tim) You got a clue on what that is?

TIM: Not one.

MARTIN: Here, I emptied one out. Careful.

[SOMETHING IS DROPPED INTO THE BOX, MORE SHUFFLING CAN BE HEARD]

TIM: There.

[BOX IS PLACED DOWN]

TIM: What should we do to calm it down?

MARTIN: Are you asking me?

TIM: I don’t know, you’re the bug expert here.

MARTIN: I know about spiders, Tim. Spiders. Whatever this is, it’s not a spider.

TIM: Okay okay, but maybe there’s something-

ARCHIVIST: Hey guys. Is it…

TIM: Oh..

MARTIN: It… It’s crying.

[SHORT SILENCE]

TIM: Should I pick it up again?

[QUIET GASP IN THE BACKGROUND]

Martin: No, don’t. I think that’s just gonna make it worse.

ARCHIVIST: Do you think it can understand us? MARTIN: I don’t know.

ARCHIVIST: Hey, little one… it’s okay. We don’t want to hurt you.

TIM: Sorry if I scared you.

ARCHIVIST: Can you understand us?

TIM: I don’t think so, it’s just curled into a ball now.

MARTIN: What do we do with this? I mean.. should we tell Elias?

ARCHIVIST: No… Let’s keep this to ourselves for now.

[AGREEING SOUNDS]

ARCHIVIST: Oh, shoot the time! I wanted to record another one of our glitchy statements!

TIM: What? You can’t do it later?

ARCHIVIST: I mean I, I wanted to get that done before today's shift ends. Elias wasn't pleased the last time i postponed making a tape recording.

TIM: Weird.

ARCHIVIST: Yep. But… don't want to loose the new job just yet. (sigh) I'll just try and be quick about it and later we can talk this through together. In the meantime… I don't know, try and figure out what that is? I won't be long.

MARTIN: Alright.

[FADING FOOTSTEPS AND CLOSING DOOR]

TIM: Well?

MARTIN: I don’t know, it’s still crying, though. Maybe we should give it a tissue?

TIM: Hm.

[RUSTLING SOUNDS]

TIM: Don’t drop it on top of it! Now you just startled it.

MARTIN: Well I’m sorry I can’t warn it, I don’t think it can understand us.

TIM: I don’t know…it's staring between us.

[AGREEING MARTIN SOUNDS]

TIM: (slowly) Do you understand us?

[TIM AND MARTIN GASPING]

Martin: It nodded. It- You didn’t just- that was a nod, right?

TIM: Woah. Can you talk?

MARTIN: Oh my god.

TIM: Okay, that was a nod, but can you like actually talk?

MARTIN: Maybe it- uhm, they, have like stage fright? Oh hey no, it’s okay, you don’t have to talk. Please don’t cry again.

TIM: Yea, it’s alright. We’re not going to make you do anything. (to Martin) Maybe we should put them in a corner or something? Let them calm down?

MARTIN: Probably a good idea.

[FOOTSTEPS AS THE BOX IS MOVED]

TIM: On the shelf should be good.

[MORE SHUFFLING, FOOTSTEPS BACK TO MARTIN]

MARTIN: (whispering) Christ, Tim, thats like a person, a proper person.

TIM: (whispering back) I know.

MARTIN: What do we do?

TIM: I don’t know. (sign) Maybe we have statements on similar things? We could check those, or check the library.

MARTIN: I don’t remember seeing any book on tiny people working there, but I guess I could check anyway?

TIM: I check statements, you check the library?

MARTIN: What, like now?

TIM: I mean our boss gave us the task to figure this out, best to follow her orders.

MARTIN: Guess so. (sigh) Yeah, okay. I’ll see what I can find.

TIM: Alright, I’ll do the same. And keep an eye on our guest.

[FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSING]

TIM: Who turned this on?

[CLICK]

—————

[CLICK]

[SOUNDS OF RUSTLING PAPER, A LONG SIGH FROM TIM AND FOOTSTEPS]

TIM: Hey uh.. don’t get startled, I’m just picking the box up again, okay?

[SHUFFLING, BOX IS PICKED UP THEN SET DOWN ELSEWHERE]

TIM: So uh.. You seem calmer? A bit maybe. Sorry for spooking you like that, little uh.. guy? one? I’ll just go with one, don’t wanna assume anything, you know.

BORROWER: Wh-what are you going to do to me?

TIM: … What? Nothing, we- just talk, we just want to talk.

BORROWER: Are you going to let me go then?

TIM: I mean of course, we’re not going to to just keep you captive. But I think we have some questions first.

BORROWER: …okay. Can you… let me out of the box at least?

TIM: Sure, I can put you on the desk I guess..

BORROWER: (alarmed) No! D-don’t touch me!

TIM: Okay, woah it’s okay! Hands are up here, see? Not gonna touch you. How am I going to get you out then..

BORROWER: I uh.. don’t suppose you could tilt the box?

TIM: Oh, that’s smart. [SHUFFLING] Just be careful sliding out.

[SOMETHING LANDS ON THE DESK]

TIM: There we go.

[DOOR OPENING]

ARCHIVIST: All done n- what are you doing, Tim?

TIM: I’m just helping our little guest out, per their request.

ARCHIVIST: Request?

[BOX BEING SET DOWN]

TIM: Oh yeah, they can talk.

ARCHIVIST: Wait what! You can talk?

BORROWER: Y-yes.

[FOOTSTEPS]

ARCHIVIST: Oh wow… I, I’m Sasha. Do you have a name?

TIM: Oh, I’m Tim by the way.

BORROWER: … Jon.

ARCHIVIST: Well... nice to meet you, Jon. Can you tell us what you are? Unless you already told Tim...

TIM: No, I haven’t asked.

BORROWER: I… H-how many questions do I need to answer before you let me go?

ARCHIVIST: Wait what? Tim, what did you tell them?

TIM: What? I di-

[DOOR OPENING AND FOOTSTEPS]

MARTIN: Sorry it took me so long I got held up by Rosie and- why are they on the desk now?

TIM: They asked for it.

Martin: Oh?

BORROWER: Y-you said you would let me go a-after some questions.

ARCHIVIST: Tim?! TIM: Not like that! I said we have some questions and that we would let them go, of course.

ARCHIVIST: Tim you-

MARTIN: Wait guys, let’s back off before they back off the desk.

TIM: Right.

ARCHIVIST: Yeah.

[FOOTSTEPS AND CHAIR SLIDING]

[travllingbunny]

The 100 7x11 Etherea

This is the episode we’ve been waiting for this whole season - and while I don’t think it’s the best episode of the season, it is certainly the most exciting one. It would be that just the fact that Bellamy is finally back on screen (and not just for a couple of minutes, but for an entire episode fully focused on him), and it was great to see him and have an episode fully devoted to him, and remember once again what an amazing actor Bob is and the presence and intensity he brings to the show. But it also turned out to be the first episode of season 7 that is a genuine game changer and that shocked the viewers with a twist that wasn’t entirely predictable. 

Even though the fandom had been speculating on the so-called brainwashed Bellamy or “void Bellamy” or generally Bellamy that is for some reason the (temporary) enemy of Clarke, Octavia and the rest of the protagonists, and hoping for that storyline, with a Mockingjay-like possibilities for romantic angst between him and Clarke (especially after a photo of Bellamy in the white robe leaked early in the year, months before the season even started to air), the way it happened seems to have upset many of the fans )to quote a podcaster, “I was hoping for a brainwashed Bellamy, but not like this”). Probably because the show has Bellamy retain agency in his transformation and that it is indoctrination into a cult be more like real life and partially rooted in Bellamy’s own emotional issues, beliefs and needs, rather than taking the easier route of having him be Sci-Fi brainwashed, Winter Soldier style.

That said, I’m still not entirely sure how I feel about this episode and how good I think it is. The first half of the episode, Bellamy was very much himself, and it was focused on survival and trying to get off the planet,  and the dynamic between him and Conductor Doucette - throughout the episode - seems to play into the familiar trope of two enemies, or people of opposing views, who have to spend time together, gets to argue, survive together, and eventually bond as fellow humans. This story would not be particularly interesting - not only have we seen it many times, but it feels redundant for Bellamy, who has learned to see the POV of his enemies, bond with them and see the common humanity in them, many seasons ago. It also would not have been interesting if Bellamy managed to change Doucette’s beliefs - which the audience already thinks are rubbish - as this wouldn’t tell us anything new about Bellamy and would only give development to Doucette. 

But instead, what was really happening throughout this episode, under the guise of bonding with the enemy, was Bellamy’s spiritual journey - aka his indoctrination into Cadogan’s cult. The crucial part of it happens not just to his exhaustion and desperation in tough circumstances, or his companion offering him faith as a solution, but through something Bellamy actually sees in the cave, and his own visions a little later.  This is where the episode becomes a lot more interesting - and also a lot more frustrating.  I don’t think I’ll be sure how I feel about this until I see the rest of the season, and learn how some things from this episode are explained or followed up on. In particular, the explanation (or lack of it?) for Bellamy’s visions in this episode will pretty much determine what course the show is taking in its final season and what it is trying to be.

Whatever the explanation, the end result - which we see after Bellamy returns to Bardo - is disturbing and painful to watch. It is something we have never seen before - Bellamy himself trying to enforce a total abnegation of everything Bellamy Blake is. Which includes willingly repressing his feelings for his loved ones to the point of betraying them (and results in the most painful Bellarke reunion ever, and one of the most painful reunions of the Blake siblings). I don’t know if I’m fully buying such a huge transformation - which is one of my problems with the episode. But this is certainly quality angst, and means that the season has become much more exciting to watch.

Is it weird that such a big twist happens in episode 11, out of 16 episodes, after 10 episodes that have been mostly setup for the big plot? Yes, just like it is weird that Bellamy has been MIA before this. BTS reasons obviously affected this season a lot - if it hadn’t been for them, I think we’d have a similar storyline, but this would have happened much earlier in the season. Are 5 episodes enough to resolve this in a satisfactory way? Well, it’s certainly enough to resolve it - this is a show that has characters go from hate to love over the course of 5 episodes, has characters hook up/fall for each other after knowing each other for 2-3 episodes, the show that showed Hope’s entire 10-year relationship with her father figure in a 7 minute scene, and the show that just had this massive character transformation happen over one episode. Will it feel satisfactory and convincing - it could, if it’s well-written and if the show doesn’t waste too much time on the Sanctum plot and fully focuses on its two main characters now that one of them is finally back.

Starting from the beginning - this time, its Bob saying “Previously on”, in line with this season having different cast members saying those opening words in different episodes (Eliza in 7x01, Marie in 7x02, Luisa in 7x03, there was no previously on in 7x04, Marie in 7x05, Lindsey in 7x06, Richard in 7x07, no previously on in 7x08, Eliza in 7x09 and 7x10 - it’s a bit surprising that Eliza said it in episode 9 even though she wasn’t in it at all, but otherwise those fit characters that were strongly featured in the episode in question).

We also get yet another version of the opening titles - which start and finish with a shot of the Anomaly. Earth again makes a cameo near the end, just as it did in 7x10, though it’s in the shadow now so can’t be seen as clearly. 

While 90% of the episode takes place on Etherea, it opens and ends on Bardo. The opening scene is the only one not featuring Bellamy - apart from a replayed memory. We learn that the MCap machine was damaged by Echo, and is only now operational again. Finally, a good explanation why the Disciples did not put Echo, Diyoza or Octavia - again - in MCap after they agreed to cooperate. Levitt is using it on one of the Disciples who were in the Stone Room during the explosion. I guess he was still recovering a week after, and now they are presumably trying to help him, since - as the other Conductor tells Levitt - he is suffering from PTSD. Hey, isn’t that the first time anyone has mentioned that word on the show? At least the Disciples have kept the knowledge about mental health issues, even if their ways of dealing with it are questionable at best. We learn that no one is being punished, not even for killing Anders, as the other conductor says. (Not even? Does she think that’s worse than attempted genocide? Hope didn’t even back down from it as Echo eventually did, and the two Disciples Anders called witnessed it. The Conductor may think that the consequence is more important than intent... But even so, she clearly thinks Anders’ life was more important than those of two other Disciples, who were murdered by Echo as a part of her torturing Levitt. I guess that “For all mankind” thing doesn’t mean you consider all of the people, or even all of the Disciples, equal...)

Levitt finds out what 99% of the audience was sure of anyway and goes “He’s alive!” Surprise, surprise. But Levitt, shouldn’t you say “They are alive?”? Knowing Levitt’s attachment to Octavia, he is talking about Bellamy, not about one of his colleagues, Conductor Doucette, who was also presumed dead. (Doucette, not Douchette - even though the latter would make for a good joke.)

Let’s think about why this scene exists (apart from being used as a sneak peek). Obviously it was full of exposition, but why was it important for Levitt to find out that Bellamy is alive at the same time as we learn about it? We could have just seen Bellamy falling through the Bridge to the planet of Etherea. I suppose the purpose is dual: 1) to learn that the Disciples indeed did not know Bellamy was alive and on Etherea, 2) to learn that Cadogan knew Bellamy was alive an on Etherea, at least a few hours to a day before his return, which may be important for the events of this episode.

One of the questions the fandom has been debating is, did Anders intentionally send Bellamy to Etherea to be indoctrinated? Since 7x05, I have believed that Bellamy was on Etherea, and my initial reading of the scene was that Anders made the decision to send him there - and that this was why Doucette started to beg him: “Please, sir, no”, as he wasn’t happy to be stranded there. Then I started second-guessing it, because it became increasingly obvious that Anders was dumb as a brick and unable to come up with any smart plans how to brainwash people (as we saw with HEDO - he just threatened them into compliance instead of trying to really change their minds). Now I think that sending people to Etherea may be a standard practice that Disciples do on very special occasions when they want to send someone on a spiritual journey/pilgrimage/true brainwashing that they can’t come back until they make a ‘leap of faith” (just like they use Skyring as a standard prison). Maybe this is not even something that most Disciples know, but info only reserved for Level 12s or even Level 13s. But the grenade attack was real and made Anders believe Bellamy was dead and the plan was off - as there is no reason to believe that anything before Bellamy’s last day in the cave was manipulated from Bardo.

However, that last day - with Bellamy’s visions - could have been, and it happened around the same time Cadogan would have found out from Levitt that Bellamy was alive and on Etherea. There seems to be no time differential (or too small a differential to matter) between Etherea and Bardo - just like there seems to be none between Earth and Sanctum, since Bellamy and Doucette retained their memories going from Bardo to Etherea and back, both times without a protective helmet.

Etherea, the planet

The promo for this episode made the planet look much worse and less survivable than it really seems to be. Apart from the grey filter* that the show is using to make it look worse and kind of drab and gloomy, it seems to be a perfectly nice planet, with vegetation and an OK climate - as long as you are not trying to get off the planet through the Anomaly and climbing the extremely high mountain to reach the Anomaly Stone. It’s funny that, aside from Nakara, every other planet connected by the Anomaly has better living conditions than Bardo. The Disciples obviously use Bardo just because of the facilities they’ve found there. But Skyring is a really lovely planet - its only problem is the time differential from the other habitable planets, but that would not be a problem if a big group of people just decided to live there and start a community. Sanctum is lovely, too - well, except for red sun toxin and killer insects and meat-eating trees. (Why have the Disciples mostly ignored it? Is it because of those things, or maybe they didn’t want to mix with the Primes and other Sanctumites? Or they just didn’t see a use for it?) And Etherea is another problem where people could decide to live, if they gave up going to other planets.

*The show uses different filters to make the woods around Vancouver look like different planets:  

Sanctum - bright colors, lots of red during day, purple at night 

Skyring - blue filter (nice planet) 

Nakara - blue filter (frozen planet) 

Etherea - grey filter 

Earth - normal, except in S5 everywhere outside Eden - greyish yellow filter for a desolated post-Praimfaya Earth

But of course, Bellamy is definitely not interested in staying there and only wants to find a way off this planet, and Doucette, unlike Orlando, is neither serving a sentence he wants to see to the end nor is expecting the Disciples to send a team to retrieve him. This is another one of the “just two three four people on the planet” episodes, but this stay is just a few months rather than years, and spent in much harsher and most exhausting conditions during most of that time - because Bellamy never stops trying to get off the planet. There are parallels and strong contrasts to every one of those other situations:

Eden -  The first few months of Clarke’s experience surviving on the desolated Earth parallel Bellamy’s months on the mountain - surviving in tough conditions (extreme heat in Clarke’s case vs extreme cold in Bellamy’s), physically and mentally exhausted to the point of breaking. There are even visually parallel shots of both of them walking with a stick or eating bugs. But the big differences are: after trying and failing to get in the bunker and after the Temple collapsed, Clarke had no way of getting off the planet or out of her current situation and reuniting with any of her loved ones. She could only survive and wait. She was all alone and only talking to Bellamy, who wasn’t there, to keep herself sane. Bellamy, OTOH, was actively trying to get off the planet and reach his loved ones all that time, and he had a companion - another adult with strong beliefs, who he talked to and who did his best to indoctrinate him. After those first few months, Clarke found Eden and met Madi, and the rest of her (mostly off-screen) life on Earth during the next 6 years was much more similar to Octavia’s life with Diyoza and Hope on Skyring. 

The Garden - Unlike Bellamy, Octavia lived in a beautiful place and with someone who was already her friend and a child she came to look after, finding family she loved (rather than faith and abstract “love for all mankind”). Like Bellamy, Octavia kept trying to get off the planet and reach her sibling and her friends, which was equally difficult for a different reason, as the Anomaly entrance was deep under water (unlike Bellamy, she wouldn’t have actually able to leave the planet as she didn’t have a Conductor or codes for the Stone - but she didn’t know she needed them) - for 6 years, before she eventually gave up and settled for her peaceful life for the next 4 years and sending Bellamy a letter.

Hesperides - Like Bellamy, Echo, Gabriel and Hope wanted to get off the planet and reach their friends/family, but unlike Bellamy, they couldn’t get the codes and had to wait for 5 years, and, unlike him, they lived in lovely place. Like Bellamy, they had a devout Disciple as a companion,  but there were three of them, which made it more difficult for him to indoctrinate them, no matter how much he wanted to make them Disciples, and they were the ones trying to manipulate him. They developed a friendship with him, as Bellamy did with Doucette, but while Bellamy saved Doucette when he didn’t have to anymore, Echo betrayed him and left him as expendable, and the other two eventually went along with it.

But Etherea is not just another planet for the Disciples - it is notable for what can be found in a cave on the way to the top of the mountain, which Cadogan apparently looked for and found, as a part of his pilgrimage - his own “40 days in a desert” - because, of course, he sees himself as a messiah (and, as we saw in 7x09, this is an important thing in the Bardo religion and something children are taught about in school). 

Bellamy immediately learns all about Cadogan’s teachings - everything the rest of the characters took several episodes to learn about - by reading his book (”pocket propaganda from another false god”) and immediately pokes holes in it. He makes all the good points and lists most of the reasons why the Disciple faith makes no sense, including the fact that it makes no sense to be fighting for peace and end of violence by waging another war. Everything he says in the first half of the episode are things I would completely agree with. Which makes it all the more frustrating when he starts ignoring his own reasonable arguments by the end of this episode. One might say that the Disciple propaganda attacks both his heart - using his desire to find peace, an end to all the struggle and pain, and eventually, his love and memory of his mother, to ignore what his head is telling him - but they also eventually attack his head, by presenting what seems like actual physical evidence, and the end result is to ignore not just the rational objections he had, but also try to suppress his love for the most important individual people in his life.

He lists the people he loves - “Octavia, Echo, Clarke” - which is the first time Bellamy himself has used the word love for the latter two (and in fact, for anyone other than Octavia). BTW, notice that no one in the show has ever used the word “girlfriend/boyfriend” except Diyoza (when this was what she assumed Clarke was to Bellamy)? Maybe these words have fallen out of use in the post-apocalypse societies. The main characters usually talk about their “friends” or “family” (the latter not always being biological). Doucette later talks of "your family, your friends” and “your obsession with your sister and your friends” - where Echo and Clarke are both lumped into this category. Echo is not singled out as “your girlfriend” or in any other way.

Here’s the thing about Bellamy’s and Doucette’s dynamic: if this story wasn’t really about indoctrinating Bellamy, there really wouldn’t be anything there we didn’t know about Bellamy before. Of course he wouldn’t kill this random Disciple guy if he didn’t have to - and, in spite of what he tells Doucette at the start, it’s not just because he needed him to survive. Bellamy learning to see the humanity of his enemies and working with them and bonding with them is something we have seen many times: at first with Clarke, then with Lincoln, Indra, the Grounders, Kane, Echo. All the way back in season 2, he valued human lives, even from the enemy side: he opposed Murphy’s idea of killing the captive Grounder thief (while Finn summarily killed him), he angrily said he’d kill everyone in Mount Weather but then tried his best for that not to happen, after seeing the children there; even during his Pike-supporting days, he tried to persuade Pike and the others to spare the wounded Grounder warriors, in season 4 he talked Riley down from trying to assassinate Roan, and in season 5, he refused to kill the cryo frozen Eligius prisoners, and later convinced Madi to spare the Eligius convicts who were their PoW. And while Bellamy has been motivated, most of all, by personal love (particularly for his sister and Clarke), we’ve seen him save many people, including strangers or near strangers. That speech Doucette gave him about “loving all mankind” is something season 1 Bellamy needed to hear, the one who was focused just on Octavia and then just on her and the Delinquents, but Bellamy has had a massive character development since. Bellamy knows more about loving all mankind than Doucette or any of the Disciples do. Doucette says he “loves all mankind” including a total stranger - well, dude, didn’t you try to kill Bellamy at first? And the rest of what we’ve seen from Disciples is much worse. They talked the talk, but don’t walk the walk, unless they think kidnapping and torturing people and trying to break their spirit is “love”, And Anders definitely showed that he did not “love all the mankind” when he ordered a hit on Hope, or when he gave that speech in 7x10 about what disgusting “wild beats” all these non-Disciples were.

But unlike Anders, Doucette can talk in a convincing way and make decent arguments in favor of his faith to non-believers, rather than just preaching to the converted - or at least, he can appear to give decent arguments. He’s taking a page from The 100 fandom with the argument that Bellamy is so selfish and egotistical for... loving his sister and his friends and constantly fighting and sacrificing himself for them. (The 100 fandom loves making that same argument about Clarke.) Quite a skill, to make such BS argument sound convincing. He basically gives Bellamy a version of the “Love is weakness” advice - in this case, that “love is selfish” and leads to destruction and pain. And when Bellamy asks the rhetorical question, if that means that you shouldn’t love anyone -  Doucette turns it around and talks of love for all mankind. But that “love” he speaks of is abstract and fake - it is impossible to love everyone. You cannot love total strangers, or people you simply don’t like - certainly not the same as you love your lover or friend or family member. You can, however, be compassionate, and value human lives,.Which is, in fact, something the Disciples don’t do, as we’ve seen on Bardo (but Bellamy has not seen it yet) - they just value lives as more soldiers for the cause. Their “humanity” is abstract - they are ready to sacrifice individuals for it (everyone except the Shepherd). Bellamy, on the other hand, has always been about valuing individual lives and saving them - be it Mel on season 2, or the slaves in season  - and he managed to do it while also loving his sister and his friends. The Disciples and Doucette’s arguments present a false dichotomy. But, unfortunately, Bellamy still has deep guilt and self-loathing that he never fully resolved (even in season 6, he still talked about his many sins in 6x04), and he’s tired by always having to fight another war for survival, just to followed by another. (Which is similar to Clarke’s misgivings in 7x03: “I’m afraid that fighting is not what we do, it’s what we are” and Raven’s and Clarke’s conversation about guilt over having killed so many people.) The only time he didn’t have to always worry and/or fight were the years on the Ring, but he was still grieving Clarke and missing Octavia and motivated by going back down to reunite with her  He knows what he’s capable of doing out of love - and he also has unresolved issues with the women he loves. In season 4, he lamented how pathetic he was coming back to his sister when she kept treating him badly, and in the 7x07 Ring flashback, he thought his love for his sister was his “weakness”. He’s certainly been hurt by her, finally rejected her and then later got to reunite with her, get an apology and forgive and make up with her. He and Clarke have also certainly hurt each other and forgiven each other, and that relationship is still unresolved. Bellamy himself admitted to Jo!Clarke in 6x09 that he was exhausted by their ups and downs and lack of resolution. And Echo... well, he should know exactly where he stands with her, but he didn’t seem happy about their relationship and seemed to want her to be Clarke someone else.

I can see why Bellamy started to envy Doucette his emotional calm that his faith and worldview seemed to bring him.

We got another Pike mention in this ep (and again, it was a reference to his positive role - as a teacher of Earth skills). The last time Bellamy made it was in 6x07 when he found out Clarke was alive. Pike was also a father figure to Bellamy - just like Kane, and now Cadogan. Bellamy has been called both a King and a Knight. Some of his biggest mistakes were when he chose to trust in a leader/father figure (the last time, it was Pike - who was, however, very different from Cadogan and his views on the opposite side the spectrum from Bill’s), and ALIE!Raven thought that one of the ways she could try to taunt him and erode his confidence was to call him a follower rather than a leader. Only she tried to convince him that he was in subjugated position to Clarke - which IMO was never true. They have always had an equal relationship (except when external circumstances made it otherwise - see, Kane and the adults taking the power away from Bellamy, while Clarke was able to take it back from Abby mostly because she was backed up by the Grounder Commander), and Clarke was the one who always tried to boost Bellamy’s confidence in his abilities as a leader. He was definitely a leader of his people in season 5 and season 6, and he works best as co-leader with Clarke (and vice versa). But even when Bellamy supported Clarke, he was questioning his decisions, even though he was rarely able to change Pike’s mind - he wasn’t blindly obeying and accepting everything, as he would have to with the Disciples.

Another factor in Bellamy’s transformation is of course the fact that he spent months in the cave - to the point of physical and mental exhaustion. Every time he and Doucette would climb the mountain, the peak where the Stone was would turn out to be even higher. Bellamy himself used two of the Greek myths to describe the task - Sisyphus and Icarus. A pointless task that results in having to do everything all over again (just like what he said about having to always fight another war), and a dangerous task likely to destroy you.

Bellamy was still insisting on reason over faith - “I believe in what I can prove” - but then he got to see the beings of light, as “proof”..

And here we come to the more interesting part of this ep and something that the show may or may not explain. I’m pretty skeptical about Cadogan’s views of what these beings are. How do we know that they have really “transcended” and become eternal or whatever, living on some kind of higher plane? No one has communicated with them, or have they? They are aliens, from our POV. Maybe that’s their natural state?  Maybe they’re dead and this is just what remains of them? Maybe they died in a similar catastrophe as the Bardoans but one that was more about fire than ice, as Selina hypothesized in her review)? Maybe they are in agony?  Sure, they look beautiful to human eyes, and fit the human culture’s idea of what spirituality and transcendence is like - but you can’t know that for sure. The frozen crystal giants on Bardo also look beautiful, after all, and that entire species died horribly

And then the second “otherworldly” thing happens after Bellamy finally agreed to prey - and he has a vision, involving Cadogan as his spiritual guide, leading him from a place full of weapons - swords and guns - to the place where he sees his dead mother, Aurora. It’s a beautiful and emotional scene, and I can’t imagine all the things Bellamy is feeling as she touches his face - including, probably, more unresolved guilt - over getting his mother executed (because he loved his sister and tried to make her happy). Aurora tells him Go to the light, Bellamy” and he looks at the figures of light -  but we don’t learn what, if anything, he saw there .

I hope we learn that Bellamy saw something important - maybe something connected to the Judgment Day Becca talked about - that would explain the extent of his conversion, although it seems that it is mostly supposed to be a consequence of the fact that the storm stopped at the moment when he chose to prey. 

The final step in his ‘spiritual journey’ is after that, when he barely managed to reach the top. After repeating the mantra “I am not afraid” (something else from the Blakes’ childhood - the same line Octavia was repeating on Bardo to resist the Conductors), he admits to himself “I am afraid”. In retrospect, a sign that he was broken, and started feeling that his past and his family were not enough to give him strength and faith. The jump from the top was described as a “leap of faith” by Doucette - which is kind of ridiculous, since it had nothing to do with faith, just with the fact that Cadogan was there and knew how the Anomaly worked, and the fact he was able to climb the mountain and leave is proof that the Anomaly worked properly. 

(I wonder why the heck the Anomaly works so differently on different planets - in some cases you can enter the Anomaly right next to the Stone when you’re leaving the planet, and in others, you have to go back to the original entrance that’s somewhere else.)

Now, the visions may be explained in several different ways:

hallucinations - earlier, Bellamy found a family photo and recognized Cadogan, and he would know how Conductors and high ranking Disciples dress, he’s seen the white robe on Anders and Doucette

everything in the cave is real, and Cadogan has some sort of a telepathic connection to the cave (the true believer’s interpretation)

the brain implant/hive mind theory (by Selina again - I don’t believe in this one as there has been no evidence of it so far)

projections/hologram - see Jean’s theory that Cadogan used the hologram technology to project images of himself and Aurora (whose image is familiar to the Disciples from Octavia’s memories)

a combination of some of the above - the beings of light may be real, and Cadogan may have stumbled onto something but has again misinterpreted what it was all about; Bellamy’s vision of Cadogan was a hallucination or projection, but he also did see something real when his mother (again, possible hallucination or unexplained spiritual phenomenon) told him to look into the light.

It’s possible that the show will never fully explain what really happened here, just as Murphy’s vision of hell has never been explained.

The reunion

Up until this point, the episode doesn’t seem to show a seriously disturbing turn in Bellamy: we saw that he was starting to take the Disciples’ faith seriously and even to believe in it, and the first thing he does when turning up in the Stone Room on Bardo is look happy and relieved he made it, and hug an equally happy Doucette. So, he made a friend among the Disciples and will be the one telling Clarke and the rest: “We should take this seriously, they have a point, here is what I saw on Etherea...” - right? That would make perfect sense while not fundamentally changing who Bellamy is.

But no! Bellamy falls to his knees and calls Cadogan “My Shepherd” - which was one of the most painful scenes for me to see in all of the show, even more so than the later scene where he snitches on Clarke. There’s been a lot this season about “kings” forcing subjects to kneel - but instead of the “kneel or die” approach that Anders more or less used (while Sheidheda is using it in the most literal way possible), this is out of genuine belief. I  don’t know if I’m really buying this massive transformation that we see here and in the next scene. It’s just a bit too much. Maybe information about what it was that Belalmy saw when he went ‘into the light’ would help explain it better.

Cadogan is happy to use Bellamy to convince Clarke to cooperate, and informs him: “Your friends are here, they have gotten themselves in some trouble”. Maybe this adds up to the reason why Bellamy is uncomfortable when he sees them a bit later, because they’ve been bad - but only some of them were (Echo with her murders, torture and genocide attempt, the others - not really, except Hope, someone he doesn’t even know yet). But when he comes to see them, he looks broken, exhausted and numb after all his experiences. And probably wary of giving in to the “selfish love”. (His friendship with Doucette is presumably in line with his new faith, but he seems to think his friendship with Clarke is not? Is that his relationship with Clarke actually involves love, real love for an individual?) After finally reuniting with the people he had been trying to reach all that time on Etherea, he doesn’t even look happy to see them. To quote Bellamy from earlier in the episode,Sometimes, Bellamy Blake, irony is funny. This is not one of these times.

Meanwhile, his friends are in Cadogan’s living quarters in house arrest. Conveniently, it’s just Clarke, Echo and Octavia there - plus Gabriel, but the focus is on Bellamy’s reunions with the three women he named as the people he loved earlier in the episode. Raven is not there, neither are Miller, Jordan, Niylah or Hope. (The last time Bellamy saw Jordan, Jordan was the brainwashed one. Hey, what happened to that storyline? Did it end up as a casualty of the rewrites?)

They’re discussing what to do, and Clarke has decided to basically sacrifice her life so the others could escape. We know that Clarke is a very selfless person, but  the way she’s been increasingly casually deciding to sacrifice herself feels a bit disturbing - as if she’s stopped caring about her own life or hoping for happiness. At this point, her big character development would be to choose happiness and try to have what she wants. Even her “selfish” actions up to this point were mostly about trying to protect others. We haven’t even seen her show much emotion this season - as if she was on autopilot - except for her early grieving Abby earlier in the season, and moments when she’s silently grieving Bellamy, 

Cadogan is there to offer the carrot rather than the stick, and being a drama queen, doesn’t Clarke and the others that Bellamy is there, but lets him in. They are massively surprised but don’t notice something’s off, or rather, they seem to assume he is just physically exhausted and in pain rather than mentally/emotionally off, as he silently looks at Clarke and Octavia and then Echo. Camera shows close-ups of the reactions of the people who love him: Clarke’s, Echo’s and Octavia’s reactions before going back to Clarke. (Probably because she’s the main character, in case people have forgotten, and her relationship with Bellamy is at center of the show), Octavia is happy and proud tries to hug her brother, but the Disciples pull out weapons. Clarke ignores the weapons, counting on her status/leverage, and hugs him. 

She looks lovingly at him, with something we haven’t seen from her in a long time - happiness, that’s definitely not “best friend that I’m not attracted to” but “best friend I have naughty thoughts about”. (Only love can make you hug someone who must be smelling really badly at this point, considering Bellamy hasn’t washed or changed his clothes in over 3 months!)

This hug is different from any other Bellarke hug ever, since Bellamy is so numb, even when he hugs her back, but she is too happy to see him back to notice.  And then when she takes the chance to also get him up to speed and tell him about the Flame - he gets an incredibly sad look on his face. He is not unemotional now - but he has decided he must ignore and suppress those feelings, betray her trust and tell Cadogan the truth, because his faith and the so-called “love for all mankind” comes first.

Everyone is shocked when he calls Cadogan “My Shepherd” and then beyond shocked when he betrays them - and camera again shows Echo’s, Octavia’s and Clarke’s reactions, going back to Cadogan, and then the episode ends on a close-up of Clarke’s shocked face. Because, you know, she’s still the main character. And finally, now we can hopefully have a S7 storyline that properly focuses on the show’s protagonist and utilizes Eliza’s talent allowing her to show a range of emotions. When Clarke believed Bellamy was dead, he was someone she could hold in her memory and try to honor it by saving his sister and girlfriend - but this is a whole new way of losing him, right after thinking she got him back, and means real emotional turmoil.

Bellamy has become a true believer and decided to stop being himself. And the people who love him will now have to deal with his loss - in another way - all over again, and try to save him. I’m torn because this storyline offers huge opportunities for a “power of love” storyline right out of a fanfic, but I’m uncomfortable with the idea that it may come at the expense of having Bellamy be manipulated and subjugated to a white megalomaniac villain in the last season. But I hope and expect we will see genuine character development and re-affirmation of who Bellamy Blake is. Now, there are a lot of things Bellamy doesn’t know yet and that have contributed to him drinking Cadogan’s Kool-Aid (he hasn’t seen Cadogan’s dealings with his family or Second Dawn, or what he did to Becca, or Anders’ actions on Bardo, or the way the Disciples mistreat their own people, and he doesn’t know about Cadogan’s mistranslation of the Bardoan text), but I don’t think the resolution of this storyline will be about Cadogan or what Bellamy knows about his religion. I think it will be Bellamy himself and his relationships. Clarke and Octavia had big character arcs in season 5-6 where they had to deal with who they are, who they’ve become and what they want to be negating everything he is. He needs to finally really deal with his self-loathing and guilt and he needs to gain back trust in himself, the Bellamy Blake that others loved and trusted and relied on. He needs to feel loved and decide that love is strength and a positive rather than just ‘selfish’ force. (And who can show him that? Hint: not his girlfriend Echo, whose love he would definitely see as confirmation that love is selfish and destructive, as it makes a person do things like murder, torture and attempted genocide out of revenge. Another hint: probably the same person who gave him confidence and made him believe in himself and grow as a person, multiple times, all the way back in season 1 and again in season 3 and season 4, telling him he was a person that other follow because of his big heart and the way he can inspire people. And third hint - the same person Bellamy was saving - her physical self - in season 6, will be the one who’ll have to save him, mentally, save who he is., in season 7.)

Rating: 8/10 (could go higher or lower depending on how the cave visions are explained and what the outcome of this plot is)

[banashee]

i"I have way too many stories already planned" I said. “I can’t write in multiple fandoms at once, it will throw me off” I said. “OK so I’ll just get this out of my system real quick” I said. “Well shit, I’ve gotten more ideas now that I’ve started…” I said, determinded to face it - I have a problem. Just a small one… Who am I kidding. Send help.

Also, this is the first time I’ve written for this fandom. I’ve loved and enjoyed TMA for a while now, not just the pod but also fanworks. And now I’m joining in on the fun and you folks will have to deal with it :D ♥

This story got inspired by a conversation on Reddit with Swiftysmoon. Thank you very much for the inspo! This one is for you :)

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edit. sorry about the missing ReadMore cut, Tumblr is programmed like a pile of garbage and removed it after I edited a typo...I’ve added it back in now.

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please mind the tags and warnings

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 Into the Void

Truth be told, Jon never planned on this to happen. Of course not - it is ridiculous and more than a little embarrassing, but he can’t help himself.

See, the thing is, Jon is a restless, anxious person in general. He’ll hide away in his office for hours, typing away or recording statements in solitude, only interrupted when someone actually wants something from him. That, or when Martin brings him yet another cup of tea, checking if he’s still alive or starved to death on his desk.

No kidding - Martin had told him this, once, and although he’d been half-joking at the time, the underlying message had been very clear.

‘Please take care of yourself, you worry me.’ - it had been oddly sweet, and Jon still has no idea how to even react to this kindness.

But the thing is - Jon has nervous habits. While his mind is wandering and he is buried neck-deep in his work, he tends to fiddle. Mostly with pens, or anything else he can reach on his desk. That would be fine - no one notices it, unless they stand right next to him. But Jon had almost choked on the pen he’d been chewing on, lost in thoughts while reading his notes, omn more than one occasion. Mostly thanks to Tim bursting into the room like the whirlwind he is.

For one, Tim Stoker just doesn’t knock. Ever. He enters a room as loud and cheerful as he does anything else, and it can be a bit unnerving. Still, he somehow manages to be a professional and be really good at his job. That and the fact that there is  ‘Chaos’ written all over him makes for an odd combination sometimes, but they’re all somewhat used to this.

So, when Tim suddenly sticks his head into the room with a cheerfully casual

“Hey, Boss!”

Jon startles and nearly stabs himself in the throat with a pen while he scrambles to make it look like he  didn’t chew on it the entire time. He needs to preserve some sort of professionalism around here, even though he feels a little bit lost sometimes.

He glares halfheartedly, trying to keep whatever is left of his composure in place. Tim shoots him a bright smile with finger guns, then he rattles off the information that Jon had asked him for not long ago.

Thankful that he doesn’t have to explain himself, Jon launches onto it.

      As time goes on, things around the institute get more and more weird. One thing adds to the other, and suddenly, they’re at war against worms all over the place. They spend their days at the institute armed with fire extinguishers and in Martin’s case, a corkscrew. Martin even lives there now, which adds a whole different level to it all.

Really, it is not surprising that they rarely ever get any outside visitors down in the archives. They have a bit of a reputation for being weird, and truth be told, Jon can’t find any fault in the people who assume that. If he wasn’t involved - if he didn’t  know  what lurks out there, in the shadows, he’d have thought the same.

Pushing his own dismissive, sceptic act is getting harder and harder these days, but it doesn’t stop Jon from trying.

Even after Jane Prentiss’ attack, Jon tries to keep up that act. It’s clearly faltering now, though, which may or may not be partially due to the fact that he confessed to Martin that yes, he does believe and he is terrified. It’s been an awkward conversation, to say the least, and not just because Jon pretty much asked if Martin was a ghost and despite Martin stabbing him with the corkscrew. To be fair, he’d apologized profusely for that, and while Jon is not happy about it, he is thankful for his attempt to get the damn worms out of him. Just thinking about it still makes him shudder, makes him lay awake at night.

On the plus side, their team in the archives has grown much closer to one another - it eases the anxiety and paranoia, just a bit.

      Jon finds himself busy, not to say, utterly distracted. Time flies, and he takes even less care of himself than he did before. He practically lives off tea, and whatever food is offered where Martin, Tim and Sasha drag him along to.

Jon acts prickly and annoyed as always, but in reality, he appreciates their efforts. Lord knows, he isn’t sure he deserves this kindness, but he still makes an effort. These three people are all he’s got, after all. They’re the only group of allies who have any sort of idea what is really going on in the archives, and that alone is enough to have him lower his walls just a bit.

One day, Jon keeps blowing an annoying, grey-streaked strand of his otherwise dark hair out of his face. He didn’t have the time or energy to get a haircut lately - there are much more pressing matters to take care of. But his hair is currently at the awkward in-between length that he hated years ago, when he decided to grow it out. He’d kept it long, up until shortly before his promotion to head archivist. Only then he parted with the shoulder length ponytail in an attempt to be perceived as more professional.

It doesn’t feel right - never did. And as much as he hates the annoying strands falling in his face, it makes him feel like he is back on the way to himself. Or at least as much as he can these days.

Especially in the face of, well, everything else, it is a small comfort. Right now though, Jon is annoyed - he takes a pen from his desk, and sticks it behind his ear to hold back the constantly falling piece of hair - it works.

Jon only notices the pen again when he is about to go to bed that night - he huffs, places it onto the small desk in his bedroom and then crawls under the covers. Once he is in bed, Jon is waiting for the insomnia and the nightmares to keep him awake, despite his best attempts to fall asleep.

He is long used to both, but the last few months have been significantly more stressful.

The next day, Jon is exhausted. He barely makes it into the kitchen for some coffee, then he drives to the institute, the pen forgotten back home. Oh well - he’ll bring it back in another day - no big deal.

Except, it becomes a Thing, with a capital T.

Jon is chewing on and fumbling with his pens as usual, recording statement after statement and doesn’t exactly realize what he is doing. He hides away, until one of the others drags him away from the desk for inconvenient human needs like food and company, but really, he goes willingly now. All he needs is a small reminder.

The bit of human warmth and company means a lot to Jon, and he soaks it up as much as he allows himself to. Trusting people is a struggle for him. His relationship with each and every coworker is definitely a work in progress, but he is willing to try, anyway.

One night, Martin points to the side of Jon’s neck in quiet amusement.

“Oh, you’ve got ink on you - yes, right there.” he touches the spot behind his own ear. Jon blinks, and when he tries to wipe it away, his hand comes away with yet another goddamn pen.

It joins a small pile of accidentally stolen pens on Jon’s desk back home - he’s been meaning to bring them back ages ago, but he keeps forgetting. At this point, he refuses to drop them all off at once, because that would definitely catch someone’s attention - and attention is the last thing he wants right now. Add in the fact that this is, well, ridiculous and embarrassing… No. Just no.

Jon looks around the room, heat creeping up his face even though there is no one around to look at and judge him - then he opens an empty drawer in his desk. The pens disappear with one swift movement of his arm before Jon slams the drawer shut. There - done.

And this is how, what Jon secretly calls his “Desk Drawer of Shame”, comes into existence.

      Occasionally, a small handful of pens will make its way back into the archives. But at this point, they’re way, way too many to bring back at once, at least not without pissing off Elias. That is, if he isn’t chuckling at the ridiculous and mysteriously high cost of office supplies in the last few months.

At the very least, Jon would be at the receiving end of some good natured ribbing from his coworkers in the foreseeable future.

Jon is reading the last few lines of a statement, when the door to his office opens up after a quick knock. He looks up with a frown, which is more habit than anything at this point, and quickly drops his feet back on the ground. At least, he isn’t chewing on a pen this time.

Standing in the doorway, shooting him a small smile, is Martin and he is waiting for Jon to finish recording the last few lines. Only when the familiar

“Statement ends.” marks the end of the recording session, he starts talking.

“Hi! Uh, did you have lunch yet?”

Jon didn’t, and Martin knows it, but he is trying to go the polite route before his motherhen-mode is activated and he physically drags the man away from the desk in an attempt to make him take a break.

So, Jon smiles back, which still feels a bit foreign in a work context, but he secretly enjoys the spark of happiness on Martin’s face when he does. Not like he focuses on that or anything…

“No, I- I didn’t. Did you have something in mind?” he asks as he gets up and pulls his jacket from the back of his chair. It’s a welcome distraction from his work.

Jon didn’t sleep, again, and he can tell that he is getting sloppy and way more irritable than usual. Chances are, getting a bite to eat and spending some time out of the institute with a friend will do him some good.

On the way out, Jon falls comfortably into step with Martin. Plenty of thoughts cross his mind, and he chooses to ignore all of them. In fact, he’d been so busy staring up at a cluster of freckles on Martin’s cheek that he doesn’t even notice what he tells him about the little café that he was planning to visit. Only when he stops talking, obviously waiting for an answer, Jon nods, hoping that Martin actually asked him a yes-or-no question.

For now, it seems to be enough, and they enjoy their lunch break. Jon is still lost in thoughts though.

That night, he is unable to sleep once again, as his mind keeps him wide awake and Jon is shaking apart under the blanket. There are two new pens on his desk, and it feels like they’re glaring at him. It’s ridiculous - they really are the least of his worries. Jon is just distracted, that’s all.

      There is ink on his neck. Again. Jon swipes at it in mild annoyance, inwardly cursing himself for being so careless. His movement catches Tim’s attention, and then his eyes wander to the pen that is stuck halfway to Jon’s ponytail - it’s for convenience, really - but it’s clearly the cause for the ink scribbles on his skin.

Tim puts the pieces together and grins. He is way too easily amused about this, but to be fair, they get their laughs whenever they can these days. And this is still much better than the silent, angry version of Tim that tends to come out more and more and the last few months. At least, when he’s laughing, he isn’t that.

Small favors.

      The more distracted Jon grows, and the longer his hair gets, the more pens he keeps losing - or more like, forgetting - in it.

He doesn’t realize that he is doing it, really, until someone - mostly Martin or Tim these days, because Sasha is (gone) (different ) absent - walks up and plucks one of the pens right out of his hair in order to use it. Jon should be annoyed, but he can’t bring himself to be. It’s oddly comforting that the two of them are still willing to seek him out. Because that’s what this is - there are plenty of pens around, of course.

There is no need to come into his office, to come close to him just to get office supplies. They’re here because they want to, and that honestly means the world to Jon.

As much as he’d tried to keep them at arm’s length, he’s failed miserably. Thankfully so - things would be much, much worse if they had to deal with everything on their own.

      “Hang on - how many bloody pens are in there?” Martin asks one day, calling over from the other room. He looks up in utter confusion while already cracking up with  laughter.

“Wait, are those-?”

Oh goddammit.

Apparently, that’s what happens when Jon answers absentmindedly when asked for the location of a pen in his apartment.

He needs to renovate his kitchen, because the landlord just won’t do it in any reasonable amount of time, so Jon is in old jeans and an even older T-shirt, packing dishes and kitchenware into boxes with Martin and Tim. The two of them had been kind enough to offer help, so that’s why they’re all piled in Jon’s small apartment on a Saturday morning.

Partway through, they realize that they should probably label the boxes, and soon after, Martin stands in the bedroom, opening not the stationary drawer, but The Secret Drawer of Shame With Accidentally Stolen Pens From The Institute.

“Oh, good lord.” With an audible ‘thump’, Jons forehead collides with the kitchen table. His glasses sit crooked now, and he doesn’t lift his head up while he tries to explain, and despite being flustered, he manages to keep that certain tone of voice that’s usually reserved for work hours.

“I, yes. I may have accidentally taken a pen or two with me and only realized it here. Coming back into work with all of them at once seemed… well. Not ideal at the time.”

“No wonder when you keep storing them in your hair.” Martin comes back, with a handful of pens and a bright smile.

While walking past, he pulls another pen out of Jon’s bun, just to prove his point. A long strand of hair slips forward and falls back into Jon’s face. Meanwhile, Tim has snuck off to peek into the other room out of pure curiosity, then he proceeds to laugh his arse off for the next few minutes.

“You know, we should make it a sport at this point. How much stationary supplies can we steal until Elias catches wind of it?” Tim offers, because of course he does.

It is ridiculous and childish, so naturally, it quickly becomes A Thing.

Anything to get a tiny bit of satisfaction is a valid option at this point, and besides, it’s not like Jon is trying to be sneaky or anything. It just happens , like so many things these days.

      As it turns out, Elias doesn’t care. None of them is stupid enough to assume he doesn’t know - the bastard knows everything, that’s part of their problem. He just never calls any of them out on it - if it is because it’s too unimportant or if he is getting a chuckle out of it as well, they never find out.

At some point, late at night when all three of them had a few drinks, they’re brave enough to joke about what fear entity would be responsible for a never ending void filled with pens (“A.K.A you desk drawer of shame, Jon. Have another drink, you’re annoyingly sober for this conversation.”)

It’s a half-serious debate, and one which they continue every once in a while. Most notably so at the institute’s christmas party, huddled in a corner where they’re mostly being left alone. And if that is mostly due to Jon glaring holes through anyone daring to come close, just a hair away from actually hissing and snarling, well. He didn’t get his reputation of being rude and prickly for nothing.

      All of this turns into fond memories, once everything has gone to hell.

Jon is freshly awake from six months of coma, and the world around him has changed. Martin is barely around and Tim is  dead . So is Sasha, even though they never knew, for the longest time.

All of this hurts badly enough to stop him from breathing every once in a while, and after a series of even more tangled and unfortunate events, Jon finds himself huddled close to Martin on a train.

They’re on their way to Scotland and neither of them talks much, but they’re unwilling to let go of the other’s hand. The air is chilly, even inside the wagon, and Martin is still shivering under layers of jumpers and jackets.

The Lonely has settled deep into his bones, and sometimes, it’s like he is fading away again. Every time this happens, the steady warmth of Jon keeps pulling him back.

Jons hand is smaller and bonier in Martin’s own large, soft hand, but it’s grip is steady and warm. His thumb keeps stroking gently over the back of his hand while he is holding it, and it is the most loved Martin has felt in a long time.

Eventually, he manages to relax enough to doze off for a bit. While his head find’s it’s way down and onto Jon’s shoulder, he can feel the slight poke of a plastic pen that is sticking out of his hair.

Martin almost smiles, and squeezes back when Jon tightens the grip around his hand and settles against him.

    They keep finding the damn things around the safehouse, because frankly, they’re everywhere. And that’s just whatever Jon had on his person out of sheer habit. Lord knows, his hair has grown way past his shoulders by now, and more often than not, he keeps it up and out of the way with whatever is around him at the time.

Mostly, it’s pens.

At first, they’re just  there , and both Jon and Martin have about a million other things to think of and to deal with than a few too many office supplies laying around.

The exhaustion, both physically and emotionally, leaves them absolutely drained and dead to the world.

It is bad enough so that they crawl into bed almost as soon as they have arrived and inspected the small cabin. The question of whether or not they’re going to share the bed isn’t even raised - neither of them is willing to let go of the other. All the way from London to up here, they’d held hands to reassure themselves that they wouldn’t lose each other, and they’re not about to stop now.

It is a lot easier to remind each other that they’re not alone when all they need to do is focus on the breath and heartbeat of one another. Focusing on the heat radiating under the blankets, where they are embracing throughout the night to keep the nightmares and the ever growing anxiety at bay.

They have plenty of bad days when everything just creeps up at them and even talking is too much. Those days, they spend curled up in front of the fire or in bed, holding on tight for as long as they need to in order to feel more alive again.

After a while, they’re able to relax more. Martin is much warmer and solid now, doesn’t fade away into the fog without noticing. It’s happening less and less now - whether or not he will be able to shake off The Lonely entirely, neither of them knows, but he is happy about every step in the other direction.

Jon is just as happy to see him doing better, and he tells him as much over breakfast, smiling as he tangles their legs under the table.

There are two pens already stuck in his hair, holding it up in two buns. It’s probably from when he read a statement from the stack of files and tapes that Basira sent over the other day.

The statement has definitely taken the edge off of things for Jon. Now he can sit at the kitchen table with his boyfriend and enjoy a cup of tea instead of growing weaker and weaker with hunger for statements. As ironic as it is, it makes him feel more human, even though he is no longer fully human. He’s pretty sure of it.

“I love you.” Martin tells him, because it is true and he likes saying it as often as possible, now that he can. It sends a spark of warm happiness through his chest, and it is bright enough to chase away the cold fog that’s still lingering sometimes - just for a bit.

“I love you, too.”

He’ll never get tired of hearing this.

“I love you” they say, as they drink tea in the morning and eat freshly baked bread, still warm from the oven.

“I love you” they say, as they walk hand in hand through the cobblestone streets down in the village, on their way to buy groceries and look at the little local shops.

“I love you” they say, as they step around each other in the tiny kitchen while cooking dinner, distracting one another with kisses until one of them remembers the food or notices the charred smell of something burning. It’s only then that they break apart, cursing and laughing all at once.

“I love you” they say, as they spend nights wide awake, holding on tightly through their grief and fear. They say it out loud or whisper it into the darkness, comforting one another as best as they can.

“I love you”, they whisper through silence and tears, but they say it just as much through smiles and laughter.

“I love you” they say, after every single argument. Their love for each other is strong, so much so that they’re certain they will be able to figure out the rest. Whether that’s the end of the world as they know it or anything else doesn’t matter.

“I love you” Martin says, after he walks up behind Jon and plucks one of the pens out of his hair. There are at least two more, and besides, Martin woke up this morning with a few lines of poetry in the back of his mind. He wants to write them down before he forgets - maybe, just maybe, he can  turn them into  something beautiful.

“I love you.” Jon says, and he pulls Martin closer by the front of his pyjama shirt, turning around just enough to be able to press a quick kiss to his lips. The movement leaves them both in an awkward position, hanging over the back of the sofa with their glasses askew.

Martin has one of his arms wrapped around Jon, who is holding on tight, happily leaning into him with a quiet, happy satisfaction on his face. Clearly, he is enjoying this an awful lot.

No doubt, if it wasn’t for the hold onto the sofa Martin has with his other, he’d have toppled over and fallen right into the smaller man’s lap. And maybe that’s exactly what Jon is trying to do - who knows. He is way more affectionate than either of them would have thought possible, really.

They remain wrapped up in the tight hug, and neither of them wants to let go yet.

                                     Notes:  

Warnings: - Off-screen canon character death mentioned - insecurity - Loneliness - Trust issues - if you want me to add anything please let me know

[circuit-music]

2020 Music Recommendations

2020 – WHAT A SHIT YEAR! There was so much craziness in those 365 days – from politics to a pandemic. Music was often times one of those things we could take comfort in or use it as a tool to express a range of emotions. I’m always surprised when compiling these list (of which I’ve been doing for 20+ years now it seems) that no matter the state of the world, there is always an overabundance of great music to be discovered. 2020 musically, delivered - including surprising returns from some bands who’ve been rather quiet in the past years like Consolidated, Cabaret Voltaire, and Portion Control.  

The majority of what I listen to is electronic based music, with techno-body music being my favorite and there was STILL PLENTY of that in 2020 from labels like Aufnahme+Wiedergabe, Fleisch, Bite, X-IMG, Sonic Groove, SOIL, and more. Occasionally something a little lighter like the ethereal shoe-gaze goodness of Mint Julep (“Stray Fantasies” was an amazing record), or the post-punk of House of Harm (wonderful new discovery this year with “Viscous Pastimes”) and Sure (you all slept on “20 years” in 2020) works its way in to my listening. I still find synth pop from the likes of Riki, Korine, Tanz Waffen and Wingtips wonderfully appeasing. The wave material from the likes of Handful of Snowdrops, Linea Aspera, Zanias, Hante., Minuit Machine and Replicant was perfect for those melancholy moods. I even dipped into some aggressive near metal stuff this year from the likes of Pudeur, ESA and Youth Code – perfect for those days of anger.  Oh, and I was thrilled to see a lot of exclusive, unreleased and remixed Curve material surface this year – a band who embraces several genres (walls of guitar, shoe gaze, industrial) and moods.

This isn’t a top 10, top 25 or even a top 100. Instead, it’s an A-Z recommendation list encompassing many genres as those lines are getting more and more blurred. A good tune is a good tune, regardless of genre.  

HIGHLY encourage you to get out there and seek out new music; Visit the record stores, go hear a new DJ, fire up Spotify or another streaming service, check out some new music via podcast, DJ mixes, label sites, online retailers, even Facebook. One of the best sources for discovering new music is BandCamp - who in 2020 with the pandemic started BandCamp Fridays in which the site waived its normal fees to assist artist impacted. Taking place, the first Friday of every month, those will continue in 2021. There’s a plethora of discoveries to be found out there. If you do the work, you’ll be rewarded ;)     Speaking of Spotify – I made a playlist this year featuring plenty of the bands on my list. There’s at least a track or more from the artist who have a presence on Spotify. Sadly a few bands on this list aren’t on the platform, but check BandCamp and you can have a listen. Here’s the link:   https://open.spotify.com/playlist/02kQJZE7uvJxwHJD8j8zrh?si=SHlP4mVRTuaRejh6So3Mig

As in years past I’m certain I missed a few things, ignored the hype on certain releases or just plain forgotten something. It’s a chore to compile this list, but I love to do it. There’s a ton of new pioneering music out there for sure waiting to be discovered and it’s the “what’s next” that keeps me a motivated music fan. There’s never a dull moment in speaking, writing, DJ'ing or promoting new music, so I’ll keep doing it and hopefully be a guide for you all ;).   If it needs mention and I overlooked it - I may do an addendum in the next week or so. Anyways, got your notepaper and plenty of beverages ready? Don’t be a TL:DR (Too Long: Didn’t Read) fool. Read up. Enjoy the music of 2020!

Onwards with the list!!! :D  

2+2=5 - “Hidden In Plain Sight “ (COUP)  

Absolute Body Control   - “1980/2020” 3xLP (Oraculo Records)    

Agent 15   - “Voices In My Head” (Drone)  

Ah Cama-Sotz - “New Skin for Old Tribals “ (Self-released)  

Andi - “Corpse to Corpus” 12” (Aufnahme+Wiedergabe)    

Arabian Panther - “The Way of the Pentinent” EP (SOIL)  

Arnaud Rebotini – “Workout: This is a Quarantine EP6” (Self-released)  

Autumns - "You Always Taught Me Better" LP  (Detriti Records)  

Benedek - “Mr. Goods” 12” (L.I.E.S.)  

Blac Kolor   - “Extinction” EP  (Aufnahme+Widergabe)  

Blacksmith   - “Dominated” (X-IMG)    

Blitzkrieg Baby - “Remixed” (Aufnahme+Wiedergabe)    

Blush Response   - “Void In” LP (Megastructure)   - “Void Out” (Megastructure)    

Body Beat Ritual   - "Raw Dogs” EP (Pleasure Corp)  

Body Divide   - “Pleasure From Pain” (Squarewav)    

Cabaret Voltaire   - “Shadow of Fear” LP (Self-released)  

Calvary Stone - “Hate Unit” (Soil)  

Caustic - “The King of EBM” (Self-released)    

Cervello Elettronico - “No Sides” EP (SquareWav)  

Choke Chain - “Chain Tactics” (Self-released)   - “Grave” (Self-released)  

Chris Shape - “Shaped to Deform” (Unknown Pleasures Records)    

Chrome Corpse   - “Detecting Movement” Ltd. Edition 12" EP  (Oraculo Records)   - “Helmet Mounted Display” (Self-released)  

Chrome Corpse / Decent News   - “Split” (Self-Released)  

Codex Empire   - “Broken by Fear" Ltd. 12” (Horo)     - “Protected by Rage” 12”  (Aufnahme+Wiedergabe)  

Cold Cave   - “Waving Hands” (self-releaesed)  

Comfort Cure - “Serpentine City” (Rec.Body.Ltd)    

Consolidated - “Capitalism” (Self-released)  

Crystal Geometry   - “Samiam” EP (Sacred Court)   - “Senestre” 2x12” (Sonic Groove)  

Curve   - “Blindfold EP - Bootleg EP Series 1”  (Self-released)   - “Curve Oddities Bootleg Series 3” (Self-released)   - “Curve Oddities Bootleg Series 5” (Self-released)   - “Horror Head Raw DAT Mixes Bootleg Series 4” (Self-released)  

Cyan ID   - “Blurred Revelation” (X-IMG)  

Dive   - “Where Do We Go From Here” Ltd. Ed Box set (Out Of Line)    

E.L.I.   - “Dying to Live” (SOIL)    

E.S.A.   -  “Burial 10” (Negative Gain Productions)   -  “Eat Their Young / The Scorn” (Negative Gain Productions)  

Einstruzende Neubauten   – “Alles In Allem” (Potomak)  

Evil Dust   - “Desolation” (Crave Tapes)    

Fatal Morgana   -  “The Destructive Remixes” 12"   (Mecanica Records)   - “The Final Destruction” 2LP   (Mecanica Records)  

Filmmaker   - “Reinvent” 12” (Soil records)  

Fixmer - "Invasion” 12” (Bite)    

Fixmer/McCarthy   - “Unreleased From the Archives" (Planet Rogue Records)    

Foreign Policy   - “Watching Existence” 12” (X-IMG)  

Fractions   - “Nite NRG” (Monnom Black)    

Further Reductions - “Array” 12” (Knekelhuis)    

Hakai   – “No Flesh Shall Be Spared” 12” (Megastructure)  

Halv Drom   -  “Slum Vatic” LP (Fleisch)  

Handful of Snowdrops   - “Asymetrical” (NanoGénésie®) - “Echoes -The Complete Cover Collection” (NanoGénésie®)   - “The Four Winds” (NanoGénésie®)   - “The Impossible Dream” (NanoGénésie®)   - “Watch Me Bleed / Theme for Great Cities” (Self-released)  

Hante.   - “Fierce - Remixes & More” LP (Synth Religion)      

HKKPTR   - “Macht & Ohnmacht” EP (Aufnahme+Wiedergabe)    

House of Harm   - “Vicious Pastimes” LP (Avant!)  

Human Performance Lab   - “Impact Situation” 12"  (Aufnahme+Wiedergabe)  

Inhalt   - “Simulation” 2xLP Remixes (Mechatronica)  

Iron Court   - “Etched Forseights” (Detriti)    

Istigkeit & Angel Karel   - “You A’Int No Punk, You Punk”  (RND. Records)  

IV Horsemen   - “Compilation Vol. 1” (Self-released)     - “Human Crash” LP (Fleisch)    

Karger Traum   - “III” LP (DKA Records)    

Kenny Campbell   - “Blackest Ever Buckfast” (Drone)

King Dude   - “Full Virgo Moon” LP (Van)    

KLACK   - "Two Minute Warning” (Klackprodukt)   - “Move Any Mountain” (Self-released)     - “Catching Up with Klack” (Razgrom)   - “Distancing” (Self-released)   - “Move Any Mountain” (Self-released)     - “Probably” (Klackprodukt)  

Konkurs   - “Terminal Stage" (Megastructure, X-IMG)  

Kontravoid   - “Live from the Void” (Self-released)     - “Too Deep Remixes” (Fleisch)    

Korine   - “The Night We Raise” LP (Data Airlines)    

Kris Baha   - “Barely Alive” 12” (Emotional Especial)     - “Starts to Fall” 12” (Power Station)    

Kutkh Jackdaw   - “Sweat & Thunder EP and remixes” (Dark Disco)      

Lbeeze   - “Induced Expressions” (Phormix Tapes)    

Liebknecht   - “Demos The H4AR 2020" (Self-released)   - “Koln : Total Harmonic Noize remix” (Self-released)    

Linea Aspera   - “LP II” (Self-released)    

Looky Looky   - “Are You There Beach?” (Self-released)    

Machino   - “Ciudad Violenta” (X-IMG)    

Maedon   - “Escape To Berlin" (Sonic Groove)      

Marc Ash   - “Mirror Glaze Lavish" 12" EP (Fleisch)  

Marina Aleksandra   - “Animal Industrial Complex” (Randolph & Mort. mix)  

Max Durante   - “Fear and Desire” 12”  (Aufnahme+Wiedergabe)  

Mind | Matter   – “Souvenirs Brises” (Intervision)  

Mint Julep   - “Stray Fantasies” LP (Western Vinyl)    

Minuit Machine   - “Don’t Run From the Fire” 12” (Synth Religion)    

New Frames   - “Outer Limits” 12” (Bite)   - “RNF2” 12” (R Label Group)   - “Stylized Fear” 12” (Haven)    

Nordstaat   - “Singularity Second Coming” (X-IMG)  

NZ   - “More Of Us” 12” ltd. (Infacted Records)    

Objekt Clermont   - "Zeitgeist” EP (Self-released)  

Ofelia Ortodoxa   - “Maleficio” (Soil)    

Pablo Bozzi   - “Last Moscow Mule” (Dischi Autunno)   - “Walk on Wire” EP (Bite)  

Phase Fatale   - “Scanning Backwards” 2xLP (Osgut Ton)  

Portion Control   - “Head Buried” EP  (Portion-Control.Net)   - “Seed  1” EP (Portion-Control.Net)   - “Seed 2” EP (Portion-Control.Net)  

Pudeur   - “Magie Noire” (Area Z)    

Randolph & Mortimer   - “Enjoy More” 7” (Self-released)   - “Manifesto for a Modern World” 2xLP (Mecanica)     - “They Know We Know They Lie” (Self-released)   - “Union of the Faithful” (Self-released)    

Reka X Imperial Black Unit   - “Todo Avaricia” 12" EP  (Fleisch)  

Rendered   - “Stone Cold Soul” CD (Audiophob)    

Replicant   - "Regression” (Self-released)     - “Annihilation” (Self-released)  

Rhys Fulber   - “Diaspora” EP  (Aufnahme+Wiedergabe)   - “Resolve” (FR Recordings)  

Riki   - “Riki” LP (Dais Records)

Rommek   - “Break The Tension” 12” (Leyla Records)    

Salem Unsigned   - “Blood Origin” (RND.r recorcds)    

SARIN   - “Moral Cleansing Remixed" (Bite)      

Schwefelgelb   - “Der Puls Durch Die Schläfen Instrumentals" (n-Plex)     - “Der Puls Durch Die Schläfen" (n-Plex)     - “Die Stimme Drängt” 12"  (Cititrax)  

SDH - “Against Strong Thinking" 12" (Avant!)  

Size Pier   - “Typhoon in Busan” (X-IMG)    

Soft Crash   - “Spitzkrieg” 12” EP  (Bite)  

Soj   - “Land of Lovers and Hammers” (Infidel Bodies)   - “Slow Burn” (Industrial Complexx)    

Statiqbloom   - “Asphyxia Remixed” (Synthicide)      

Sure   - “20 Years” LP (Weyrd Sun Records)    

T_ERROR 404   - “Holographic Skull” (X-IMG)  

Tanz Waffen   - “Led Astray” (Self-Released)    

Teatre   - “Crime Imagery” (Self-released)  

Terrorfakt   - “Achtung 2020 Remixes” (SquareWav)    

The Marquis - “Poison” (Self-released)   - “Scab” (Self-released)    

Trauma Phase   - “Human Caused Disaster Response” (Detriti)   - “The Origin of Social Disabilities” (Self-Released)  

Unconscious   - “Regnum Novum” (X-IMG)     -"Slaves of System" LP  (Detriti)  

Unhuman   - “Voices of Distress” 12” (Bite)  

Various Artisits - “ASM II “ (Forkha) with: Chrome Corpse, Mind|Matter, The Undertaker’s Tapes, Evil Dust and more  

Various Artist -  “Meta Moto 4” (Meta Moto) with: Borsis Barksdale, Raw Ambassador, Filmmaker, Teatre and more

Various Artist - “Antikhrist Visions vol. II” LP (Industrias Mekanikas) with: Downwell, Delectro and more  

Various Artist - “BOY Records – Timeless Technology 1988 – 1991" 4xLP (Mecanica) Retrospective box of the legendary Boy label releases.  

Various Artist - “Crime Violente Vol.4”  (Up North Records) With: Calvary Stone, Lbeeze, Meshes and more  

Various Artist - “Dystopia in Action” 12” (X-IMG)     with: Alpha & Necromante, Kris Baha, Human Performance Lab and more  

Various Artist - “Ecdisis Vol 2” (Frigio Records) Snag this for the outstanding edit of Portion Control’s “Chew You to Bits”

Various Artist - “Murder 01” 12” (Murder) with: Codex Empire, Crystal Geometry, JK Flesh and more  

Various Artist - “Northern Nightmares Vol.1” (Up North Records) with: Autumns, Cardopusher, Teatre, Hate Magnum Opus and more

Various Artist - “Northern Nightmares Vol. 2” (Up North Records) with:  Notausgang, NGHTY, Violet Poison and more

Various Artist - “Sonic Groove: 25 Years 1995-2020" 2xLP (Sonic Groove) with: Orphx, Crustal geometry, Maedon, Rhys Fulber & Portion Control and more

Various Artist - “Uncanny Valleys Vol. 1” (Area Z) with: Chrome Corpse, Sarin x Imperial Black Unit, Celldod, IV Horsemen and more

Various Artist - “Uncanny Valleys Vol. 2” (Area Z) with: Ah Cama-Sotz, 3.14, MDS51 and more  

Various Artist - “Valley of Tears vol 1" 12” (Soil)   with: Imperial Black Unit, Fractions, Exhausted Modern and more

Various Artist - “Valley of Tears Vol. 2” 12” (Soil) with: SOj, Djedjotronic, Years of Denial and more  

Various Artist - “Seven Years of Delirium" (Liber Null)   with: Blush Response, NGLY, Zanias, Celldod, Phase Fatale and more  

Various Artist – “Detriti Split 1” 12” split vinyl (Detriti) with: Black Sun Dreamer and Trauma Phase

Various Artist – “Detriti Split 2” 12” split vinyl (Detriti) with: Mind | Matter and Iron Court  

Visceral Anatomy   - “Modern Anguish” EP  (Oraculo Records)  

Visitor   - “Technofossil” (Braid Records)  

Wingtips   - “Tears Of Pearls" (Self-released)    

Youth Code   - “Puzzle” (Self-Released)    

Zanias   - “Extinction” 12” (Fleisch)     - “Harmaline” (Self-Released)    

Zola Jesus   - “Live at Roadburn” (Roadburn Records)

[ariesfm-blog]

            hi ! my name is link ! i go by he / they pronouns , am 21+ & live in the cst timezone ! i’m an obnoxious aries & this is my idiot , max , who also happens to be an obnoxious aries because i believe in writing what i know JHGKFDLHLF . i’m really excited to be here , because plotless slice of life rps are my thing & i’m excited to get to know all of you & write with you !!! under the cut you’ll find misc. info & some wanted connections , but here are links to his stats page & his pinterest board , which hopefully will give you some extra insight . feel free to like this if you’d like to plot .but if you wanna plot on d*scord ( which is easier for me ) you can add me @ demogorgon ramsay#0039 !

( johnny seo, cismale, he/him ) who is that ? oh, it’s just MAXWELL “MAX” BAE the TWENTY-FOUR year old has been in beauhart for HIS WHOLE LIFE and is currently a BARTENDER. i’ve heard they can be CONFIDENT and HONEST, but also IMPATIENT and BRASH. maybe that’s why their anthem is SANCTUARY by JOJI and CAFFEINE JITTERS, DIRTY CONVERSE PAIRED WITH ALIEN SOCKS, PHONE NUMBERS WRITTEN ON NAPKINS makes me think of them.

misc. info : ( cw : mentions of death & drug use )

his mother died giving birth to him. though he doesn’t remember her ( obviously ) he still holds a bit of guilt & think it’s his fault that she died. but his dad is always quick to snuff that line of thought & holds absolutely no ill will towards max about it

all he’s ever heard is good things about her so he loves her or the idea of her really. he likes to imagine himself in the stories people tell him about her & it’s a comfort to him. it makes him feel like he kind of grew up with her even though he never got to meet her

his dad is a sweet person. full of laughs & kindness. also bad jokes ( this is where max gets his own humor from ). he’s the kind of dad that people wish for. he’s always been supportive of max no matter what & he listens to him whenever he needs it

when they were little they played catch & watched yu-gi-oh together. max still has all his yu-gi-oh cards stuffed in his closet somewhere. now they’re more likely to sit on his dad’s front porch & drink together while listening to music

his dad has never dated or remarried after his wife died because that was his soulmate & he doesn’t want to settle for anyone else & his dad has always told max to find that one person for him

max was miserable in school. he wasn’t good at it & none of it made any sense to him. so he struggled in graduating high school. & he tried college but he couldn’t stand it so he dropped out thankfully with no negative feedback from his dad

he’s kind of anxious & fidgety so it’s hard for him to pay attention ( anxiety & adhd nation make some noise !!! ) but if he gets focused on a project he’ll ignore his need to eat or anything else to work on it

he picked up making drinks from his dad at a young age ( imagine a twelve year old making cocktails that’s basically how it was ) & is really good at it so naturally he became a bartender. it’s not his dream job per se but he enjoys it a lot & makes good tips from it so he has no complaints about it

basically he’s pretty happy-go-lucky but he’s also an idiot & annoying about it. he can seem friendly enough at first but once you get close to him he’ll turn up that aries personality & get on your nerves ( but he’s also like a leech & will stick to you )

he’s really into aliens. he even has a ufo tattoo ! he will fight with anyone who doesn’t believe in them ( or cryptids or the supernatural in general ). the x-files is his favorite show & he wishes to be fox mulder every day of his life. he’s also a diehard boogara

he’s a big conspiracy theorist. he believes in lizard people, the illuminati & that queen elizabeth is a cannibal & that’s how she’s stayed alive for so long. he’s very paranoid about stuff. he’s one of those people who read the terms & conditions on everything so that he doesn’t agree to some company stealing his dna & selling it on the dark web. he also refuses to pick up the phone because he thinks the government is listening in on them ( he only makes calls when he’s high & out of it )

& he loves true crime. he’s always listening to true crime podcasts & watching true crime docs

he loves energy drinks & coffee. he drinks them so much that he’s shaking about 75% of the day but he never listens when people tell him he’s gonna get a heart attack

he’s messy. his apartment is messy. his hair is messy. his entire energy is just messy. but he thinks his personality makes up for it

he can kinda cook but honestly he’s lazy & just prefers to order in food 95% of the time. also he has a bad habit of forgetting stuff like he’ll turn the oven on then get distracted then wonder what the weird smell in his place is

for the most part he’s nice but he does participate in “friendly” dragging. if you’re friends he will clown you & sometimes he can hurt someone’s feelings even when he doesn’t mean to ( more than likely he will not apologize for it he’ll just ignore it til the other person gets over it hopefully )

always losing his headphones. he settles for those crappy $5 earbuds that you find at dollar stores so he won’t feel bad for losing them anymore. honestly he loses everything. who knows how many sets of keys he’s gone through

he’s super clumsy. always tripping, always running into stuff. he’s broken a million glasses at the bar

he’s pretty flirty, pretty charming. he uses it to his advantage at the bar, draws in customers in order to get tips & phone numbers

he’s a soft thot. he’s easy to sleep with but he’s kind & caring about all his partners

he’s a really good boyfriend & he falls in love easily,  but he’s forgetful & accidentally negligent sometimes. like he’ll go days without responding to texts or checking up on people. he doesn’t mean to he just does

he loves pins, patches & colorful socks. everything he wears is covered in them. most of the things he wears aren’t even related to his interests because people just give them random things & he wears them anyway

he can never open jars his beefy arms are useless

a fan of punny humor. he’s the king of dad jokes

he’s that person who puts his legs up on the dash of the car or hangs them out the window

wishes he knew how to skateboard but doesn’t even know how to ride a bike

takes in random cats & dogs he finds on the street. sometimes he tries to find their owners & sometimes he doesn’t but it’s fine

he’s addicted to those edited audios that are like “( song ) but you’re listening to it in the bathroom at a party & you’re crying because you’re alone” & he’s obsessed with joji so of course those are his favorite 

he’s one of those pansexuals who call themselves gay constantly 

uses uwu in texts to be ironic & annoying. most of his words have w replacing certain letters to sound like a smol

he gets stoned at like three am & tries to call people & ask them stupid high people questions like “if two vegans fight is it still called beef”

he’s also never left beauheart or gone too far away. just a few cities at most. he has a bit of a stoner paranoia about it. like if he leaves the state something bad will happen to him or his dad or loved ones

he’s terrified of horror movies. especially ones with clowns. he refuses to watch them because he’s convinced that he’ll accidentally summon a demon or a ghost through osmosis or something JHGDLFKGHD

wanted connections :

rooommates ( one or two )

exes ( any gender. it can be messy or friendly. i’m willing to have max be the issue though with him it’ll always be baby issues since he’s nice & a tryhard JGHKFDHFKGFD )

hookups / fwbs ( any gender. singular experiences or regular type things )

childhood plots for those who’ve lived in beauheart ( childhood friends, first kisses / crushes, all that good stuff )

high school sweethearts

flirtationships that don’t go anywhere

one-sided crushes ( don’t mind who has the feelings ! )

mutual pining but they’re both idiots & have no idea

party buddies. conspiracy theory buddies. true crime buddies. any of these can be combined

tinder date ( it can go well or not )

frequent customers ( better yet, frequent customers that he flirts with. give me the cliche phone number on napkins plot)

maybe you don’t tip him for whatever reason & he’s had a bad day & he’s like “bro wtf”

teach him how to ride a bike KJFDHSLGJF

maybe you try to get him to leave beauheart & you have to deal with his crybaby ramblings about how something bad will happen

beef with him over the existence of supernatural things

be the person he calls at three am after eating too many edibles & deal with his stoned questions

try to make him watch a horror movie

for someone newer to town: be that person who makes a “your mom” joke & have to deal with that awkward “my mom’s dead” conversation

maybe he “accidentally” stole your cat or dog & you try to get it back but he doesn’t believe that it’s yours even though you clearly have proof

maybe you’re the person who always ends up finding the stuff he loses & you’re stuck in this constant act of returning & you’re tired of it

literally anything you can think of i’m probably down for it

[vacationcalendar]

8/26/21

Hey boyfriend, I’m back, and I only barely still have shingles, so... Hurray!!

Holy fucking shit what a time to be alive. I hate all of this. I am coming to you today having stayed up the entire night in a bold attempt to depart from this depressive state these past few days have left me in. So far so good, actually! POUNDED coffee like I’m a detective cracking a time sensitive case, but the only case in this instance is the case of why I feel like shit all the time and can’t seem to do anything ever! This mystery will remain unsolved for now, but I’ve still got a couple leads to follow up on.

Oof, BIIIIG Break from the last section to now. Just daydreaming mostly. I don’t think I’m quite right for this yet. I’m close, I think. Just not quite there. The real goal is to finish the hard reset tonight and hit tomorrow with some oomph. Come in and properly write to see what’s good. This is more of a “I’m carrying some manic energy over from last night and Idk I might as well write I’ve got like 6 hours left in this day and I’ve gotten almost all the shit I needed to do done.”

What else, what else? Housekeeping: I broke my phone :I

I pulled a grade A bonehead move two days ago. I was wondering over to a pizzeria for dinner. I was picking up a carryout order at like 6pm. I had checked the weather channel earlier that afternoon and it had said *maybe* storms from like 7-9 or something so I didn’t think anything of it. But when I went outside I noticed that it was already spitting. I worried a little bit, Like, erg, if only I had gotten it together and picked this thing up 30 minutes ago. But I didn’t really want the pizza thirty minutes ago, so sue me. But I see it’s spitting, and I had already committed to walking and I thought I’m not going to carry this pizza AND hold an umbrella, the logistics are too fraught for me in that moment. So I grab my weatherproof jacket. Perfect. Foolproof. I desperately needed a shower anyways, if I catch a little drizzle, no biggie. So I leave the house with all my shit like I usually do. Wallet, headphones. phone, keys, mask, that stuff. And about 100 steps from my house it starts to come down. Raining for real, not spitting. Oof, good thing I don’t give a shit about rain, I’ve got the jacket and a hat; get fucked rain. I actually kind of like it. Another hundred steps, it’s pouring. It’s REAL bad. Sheets. I remember distinctly thinking, “I can and maybe should bail on this pizza. I didn’t actually pay yet, these suckers allowed me to *bring in a credit card*”. But I thought, that’s not nice, they’ve definitely already made the pizza, or at the very least it’ll be ready in like 8 minutes, which is too late still. So I hung in there, but now I knew this wasn’t going to be a pretty walk. I had to bank on it lightening up by the time I was leaving with the pizza. I needed it to be one of those flashes where it rained like crazy but only for like 4 minutes then it went back to normal. It didn’t. Then part of me realized that it was actually get so rainy that my phone and headphones might actually not be safe in these conditions. Aha! Not to fear! The weatherproof jacket provides. I has a single pocket just for such an occasion. One back pocket that zips closed, right above the butt. Bingo, phone and headphone case in there. Everything else is gonna have to take a little soak unfortunately. 

I make it 75% of the way there. My podcast I’m listening to cuts out. “Signal lost” says the headphones in my ear. I check my back pocket. It is still weatherproof, but I come to find that the zipper part at the top of the pocket.... is absolutely NOT. The entire pocket has filled with water, and since it’s weatherproof, the water never found its way out the bottom. It formed a miniature pool right above my ass, and the only two members were the two items that absolutely could not afford to be there. Now the headphones were completely fine. They are advertised as waterproof, not that I factored that into my orignal purchase, but hey, we’re here and I have to practice a teensy tiny bit of gratitude for that. But the phone is, well, buh-bye. As I type here it’s currently sitting in some special phone repair studio or some shit and I’ll be receiving an email within the next 16 hours telling me it’s either fixed for a modest sum of cash, or fucked and will be replaced for a slightly less modest sum of cash. Se la vie

Honestly the only thing I really want to survive this whole incident is my voice recordings I had left on that thing. Everything else I’m almost positive is internet based. Podcasts, banking, my Wendy’s points. But I don’t know about the voice recordings. It’s probably the only place I have a lot of that material saved. And if it’s gone, I’ll probably have to just admit that it’s gone for good. And that sucks. I’m not mentally prepared to do that. But who knows? Maybe that’s based on my google account or something that I didn’t even know? It seems possible. Yeah ok, I just looked it up, and it is literally “Google recorder” So it might be “cloud based.” Ugh. Either way, it’s just a little more financial pain in a time where I am just sitting around and poking myself with a financial pain swtichblade just to see if it hurts me. A morbid curiosity to see if I can break the skin with how sharp the pain of watching my bank account shrink is, while I try to find my purpose on the nasty blue marble. So far I’m like, whoah, I’m bleeding, that’s crazy; but it doesn’t actually hurt. It’s weird. I 100% have less of an idea of what the fuck any of this is supposed to be than when I started, which is.... Idk. Surely this is what I was afraid of at the start of all this? I’m not a fucking idiot. I had to know that through all the ups and downs, across all the bullshit variables (trip, getting sick), I would potentially burn the fuck out. Say what you want about work, it gets you out of bed in the morning (or eventually). But I have to remember that getting out of bed most of those days fucking sucked. The feeling of leaving the house filled me with dread. I’m sparing myself that feeling every day that I keep this hiatus. And no matter how unproductive or sad I feel on these days, I am completely unburdened with the feeling of dread. I am spared that singular burden. I don’t know what that means ultimately, but that’s a pretty meaty truth to hang my cross up on.

Ok, I’m spiralling. My hands are heavy as hell on the desk, the meat under my palms is aching from sinking into the desk in front of the keyboard. I’ve got a pretty tricky few hours left to pull off here so wish me luck. I’m going to KFC to get a chicken sandwich! :D

Sandwich and a PINCH more caffeine just because I can. I can have caffeine bitch. Today is mine. I guarantee I will see you tomorrow even if only for a moment. We are back and our journey to finding out what on fucking earth will keep us from lying awake at night wondering what the fuck am I doing here continues forever onward!

Godspeed. Love you

[savrenim]

I'm so jealous of your gay elf murder bachelorette campaign that I now desperately want my own. Any recommendations on how to find people to play D&D with? I have several friends who are interested, but none of us have any questions experience (between my secondhand experience of reading about your adventures) so we don't know how to get started

oh gods so apparently I have A Lot Of Opinions and it got really long, so under the cut, also thank you for reminding me that I should probably properly type up the finale of Gay Murder Elf Bachelorette Campaign Book 1 because it was freaking epic and this is the one campaign that I can properly rant about on tumblr without worrying about spoilers

(I’m in three campaigns right now) (by complete accident) (on the one hand it’s a bad life decision in that I have zero free time anyways with grad school, but on the other hand it has become my sole social interaction with anyone ever and also coping mechanism for the stress and one good thing I do for me and, like, they’re not all weekly campaigns, so hours-per-week I’m devoting isn’t ridiculous) (and I miss my friends and it’s re-connected me with them and also has introduced me to upperclassmen in the department) (but sometimes there are character secrets and people who potentially follow me on tumblr so I can’t post the super long dramatic things about a character that I really want to)

OKAY SO HOW TO GET INTO PLAYING

I will be real, the three campaigns that I am in right now are the first time I’ve played DnD for anything that lasted longer than a week and a half at a summer camp type deal, like, arguably, this is my real first time playing DnD….ever. That being said, I’ve worked at gay theater camp for….six years now? And they do super intense super in-character LARPing that is far more roleplaying-heavy than mechanics heavy and has trained me to both have very good story instincts of, like, “this is how you make decisions that both fit with your character and support the narrative instead of oppose it, and either do not tear the party apart, or tear the party apart but for a very good and fitting narrative reason (i.e. if there’s going to be strife, make it mean something)” and in my opinion it is when you bring those sorts of instincts to a DnD game that you get the most satisfying story out of it. Character creation, team cohesion, and story and world development are all things that I do feel super comfortable speaking about because that is my literal jam outside of my math jam which is paying for me to be alive and stuff. So here we go.

There are a couple of questions that you need to immediately answer, the first being, “do you want to play Dungeons and Dragons, or do you want to start with a mechanically less complicated system?” Because there are a lot of pretty good systems out there that are high fantasy even (i.e. Dungeon World) that are a lot more streamlined in terms of “you don’t need to be as familiar with a set of rules in order to play.” That being said, Dungeons and Dragons is classic and is fantastic and I freaking adore it. (I will be completely honest, the only other two systems I know right now are Dungeon World, which is fantasy, and Mech Noir, which holy shit you are playing noir style detectives except in a SCI FI SETTING WHERE YOU PILOT MECHAS and the entire game system is around applying “adjectives” to people like, if you successfully roll against an enemy, you get to pick any adjective you can think of ever from “grappled” to “trusting” to “confused” to “located” and it just makes for such interesting storytelling)

which vaguely brings me to my first piece of real advice: you learn how to play best by witnessing playing happening. if you are a podcast person, I highly recommend either The Adventure Zone or Friends At The Table (or, honestly, if you have the time, both). The Adventure Zone plays DnD, 5th Edition, and it is a super quality family who are goofing off and having fun together and then the plot that arises is like “oh shit I am crying about a wizard named Taako, pronounced taco, how did this happen to me” and it’s great. The Adventure Zone is 100% the reason why I reached out to friends and was like “yoooo is anyone starting a campaign because TAZ has made me want to play again.” Friends at the Table starts with Dungeon World and it is some of the best storytelling and worldbuilding I’ve ever heard? And you will learn so much about how to set things up and go with the flow and the DM talks a lot about his process as offhand comments and you will learn so much. I’ve heard good things about Critical Role, but haven’t listened myself. But get out there, listen, and then don’t be afraid of copying things that you admire. Best way to learn.

If you’re going with Dungeons and Dragons, start with 5th Edition. 0th, 1st, and 2nd are all ridiculously unbalanced, 3 is “actually everyone uses 3.5,” or a combo 3.5/Pathfinder. While 3.5/Pathfinder is a great system and is what we’re playing both in gay murder elf bachelorette campaign and in the math grad departmental campaign, and was the game that I learned on, 5e is a lot more streamlined and they’re aren’t super picky exact rules for every tiny thing you could think of doing, which means you don’t need to be familiar with a vast system full of loopholes and counters and counter-counters to know how to effectively play the game. we don’t talk about 4th edition

Decide who is going to be the DM. There are sometimes comic stores that’ll run weekly or biweekly or monthly games of DnD, but those are almost definitely going to be less story-based and usually are one-shots? And if you’ve got a good group of friends, I recommend just playing with them and not trying to find an external group that you don’t know. I’m vaguely assuming that you’re volunteering to be DM because you’re asking? But if there’s someone in your group of friends who likes writing things or likes managing things or is interested, or if people want to take turns trying stuff out, go for that. The department group rotates DMs (and rotates games) just based on who has something written that they’re excited to try out.

You also might want to ask around to see if there are any people that you vaguely know, or that are friends of friends, who play. You’d be surprised how many people do. I’ve also seen blogs on tumblr sometimes going “hey, I’m running a Skype campaign and I need two or three more players, if people are interested fill out this survey and then depending mostly on times people are free but also what you say about what you’re looking for from a game I’ll pick the players?” or if y’all are in college there is almost always a DnD club somewhere, hidden semi-secret on campus, on the register to get club funding but under the radar because nerds. But you and your friends who are semi-interested will work just fine, as long as semi-interested means they’re actually willing to commit for a bit. So how do you get started?

Get the Player’s Handbook, and the Dungeon Master’s Guide, and read them cover to cover. If you’re playing and not DMing, eh, skip this step, and have the DM do it instead, but the Dungeon Master’s Guide especially will walk you through how to set up things mechanically very well and if you’re going in blind it will be good to have gone through and read it all once. I’ve read the 3.5 DMG cover to cover several times, haven’t read 5e yet, I know that I didn’t like their storytelling tips, but read through it once to get an idea of what mechanics might look like, it gives very good starting mechanical advice.

1. Speed and smoothness of playing are important, which means that sometimes, if you don’t know a rule, you want to make something up on the fly and deliver it with a completely straight face. Everybody does homebrew. Rules are great because they keep things from devolving into chaos and they can settle disputes, but also, sometimes you’ve just got to make a call, and if you make it while looking like you know what you’re doing, everyone will believe you. Similarly, don’t make the same rolls, or the same number of rolls, for NPC characters as you would for PCs. For example, in gay murder elf bachelorette campaign, when Iria was both directing a full assault on a hobgoblin fortress as well as had put herself on the special strike team that was going to sneak in and open the portcullis, the DM made ~one or two rolls~ to see how successful the Caedic units were at each of the points of Iria’s plan, instead of rolling a full battle between ~40 hobgoblins and ~80 elves. screentime is important; if you’re spending too much time on not-the-players, it gets boring for the players, so roll enough dice to decide what’s going on with a tad bit of luck and so it seems like other characters have rules that they have to follow, but you don’t have to let the rules dictate every single thing that happens in-world. you dictate that.

2. Character creation is how you set yourself up for success. Do not underestimate the importance of party dynamics. You don’t all have to be playing best friends or even people who get along–in Spelljammer, Marian and Djin had the character backstory of “ten years ago we were captain and co-captain of a vessel and for Reasons got into a huge fight over nothing and split and Marian took half the ship with her and she thought she’d never see him again but now oops they’ve both ended up jobless on the same station and Marian was already pooling as many resources as she could to try to put together a new ship and Djin arrived a couple months into this and needed the work so joined this ragtag democratic crew, but there’s a shit ton of tension.” This worked because we were snippy to each other in dialogue, when push came to shove, Marian is professional enough such that her whole deal is putting personal feelings aside always no matter what, and Djin takes the passive in passive-aggressive super seriously, so it never meant that the party was sitting around arguing for hours or refusing to cooperate. Meanwhile, I’ve seen and heard of campaigns falling apart because “there are two thieves and one really wants to get to do all the sneaking so they argue all the time over who gets to do cool stuff” or “the evil fighter literally just wants to murder everyone which means everyone else can’t get stuff done.” You can have intra-party strife and have it be interesting, but only if players are doing it cooperatively instead of being at each other’s throats irl. Rule of thumb: if the party dynamics are frustrating the other players, you are doing something wrong.

2.5 That being said, if a party starts to develop into bad dynamics, it is fixable without betraying character! For example, in the department campaign, I’ve been playing a super sheltered youngest child elf wizard from a super established Elvin wizard family (of, like, oh the arcanic postlines that let mail be sent around the continent? Grandpa came up with that theory. Schools of magic identified and classified originally? That was the Maewels) so Seraph is a tad bit privileged and a tad bit sheltered and is uppity sometimes. There was a fighter in the party who liked his alcohol, once missed a huge battle that the rest of us had to cover for him because he’d seduced two women at the inn we were hanging out at before the town was attacked, and typically did things like walk around in the morning with no pants on. And he proceeded to interpret Seraph’s increasing shock and disdain for him (or rather specifically, how upset she was the first time she saw him pantless) as “yeah all women go for me.” The party was vaguely splitting into “Seraph’s side and Silas’s side” so I decided to aggressively interpret one of the battles we went through together as a bonding experience and lo and behold Seraph’s feelings started to change over the next couple of weeks to “you might be an inconsiderate asshole but you’re OUR inconsiderate asshole so only we are allowed to rag on you” and she became one of his biggest supporters esp when they got to his hometown. All you really need is one super solid, proactive player in a party to make sure that things are resolved in a solid manner, so if you’re not the one DMing? Be that player.

2.75 Okay but if you’re DMing, have the conversation with your players as they’re designing their characters about point (2) because good party dynamics are easiest when you get it from the start.

3. Design encounters around the party. You don’t need a traditional setup of “a tank, a mage, a healer, and a thief” to have an effective and fun party. Maybe everyone wants to play a thief, great, design the scenario to be “you have all been contracted by the thieves’ guild to sneak into this party and assassinate this noble, you have three days to prepare and these resources, make a plan” instead of “this is a traditional dungeon crawl where you are fighting big scary monsters despite the fact that none of you are melee fighters.” Similarly, figure out what sort of stories and settings and aesthetics your players are interested in, and then play that game.

4. Make it personal. Ask people about their backstory and then incorporate stuff in. Notice what they become invested in and adjust your plans to include more of that. Give characters individual arcs that fit vaguely into the overall story, but also that they are the semi-protagonist of. Right now in Spelljammer, we’re all dealing with “so there are weird tears in the universe that Password, this Extinct AI we found and befriended, says are reminiscent of literally the entire universe ripping apart at the seams and are possibly why the Extinct went extinct, oh and some random lady gave us this artifact called the Eye and told us to hide it from the Blind King? And now his servants are hunting us? We are literally scav elves this is so above our pay grade.” Except going on as subplots, Algol is being hunted down by this evil overseer of whatever place in Echoside he originally escaped from, Leif got a stone that gives her prophetic dreams, Kimi has been super close to Password and Leif dreamed about them stitching the universe together, and Marian is dealing with an "oh shit I’ve accidentally adopted these three kids even though I don’t do personal” along with “oh god have I literally become the captain of this ship because I AM THE ONLY ADULT LEFT” along with some old friends from her past trying to reconnect just after we got a prophecy about how the last thing the Blind King would send to steal the Eye was someone we loved turned against us. So yeah, sure, there are big Adventure Plotlines going down that involve the entire party, but we’re not doing things just to do them, everyone is personally invested in this for their own reasons. So when you plan a big adventure, both plan places where individual party members get to start both for who they are and what they can do, as well as along the way keep an eye out for things that you can tie in for them.

5. Consequences matter. And not just stuff like “Iria got stabbed really bad first session and nearly died, now every time she goes into rage at the end needs to roll a fortitude save to not fall unconscious, and whenever she rolls a one same deal.” But also consequences like “you were really rude to this person and now they don’t like you and they are friends with the owner of the apothecary, who now also doesn’t like you and marks up prices behind your back” or "you let one of the patrol escape and now the whole army knows that you’re coming” or “you saved this kid’s life even though you were in enemy territory and now five years later he recognizes you even though you’ve been captured and is making sure that the party is taken prisoner instead of killed.” Make NPCs (non-player characters, ie characters the DM controls) recurring characters instead of people that you meet once, and have the way that the NPCs feel and then interact with the players change based on how prior interactions go. Have them care about things and have them remember. It makes the world feel a lot more real.

6. Preparing for a session goes petty much "how much do you like improv”. If you’re chill improvising, you want written down the stats of the monsters/enemies your players are potentially going to encounter, and probably a vague idea of goals, and then just play it by ear. Jeremy (the person running gay murder elf bachelorette and spelljammer) has I think at this point 13 “Books” written for gay murder elf bachelorette campaign, will write long descriptions of characters, settings, has maps drawn, has customized his own random encounter tables, has made his own homebrew system for how spaceship mechanics works specifically so that we could better piece together our spaceship with fantasy duct tape during the Death Races, and overplans every last detail all the way down to “has different musical themes that he’ll swap out and play at different times.” like, Iria has a Trauma theme that is played every time her wound starts acting up. He has collected music for books in advance. He has multiple different theme songs for each of the players in spelljammer. He writes notes about what NPCs are thinking so that he can reference it later. But that’s because he knows that he prefers the things he comes up with when he has time to plan things out, instead of when he’s surprised. He knows his own storytelling style. “eh, an outline and some monster stats” would not work for him the same way that I’ve seen it work for other people. You don’t have to put a ridiculous amount of prep work and writing time into being a DM, you need to figure out how much prepared material you need to run something comfortably, and then prepare that much.

6.5 Understand no matter what you plan, bits and pieces will probably be derailed, and be okay with that. Nothing is more upsetting than when a DM does not respect player autonomy and invalidates the clever things they think of, because it goes against their own plans. I think being a DM/running a story is sort of halfway “you’re writing a novel” and halfway “oh shit except this time the characters ACTUALLY have minds of their own” and striking a balance instead of dominating the narrative makes it fun. Also, it means you can throw in problems that you have no solutions for. During the Death Races in spelljammer, our battery started running out of plasma, which meant that the pressurization was getting all wonky, Leif immediately goes over and says “I have a spell called Reduce Object, can I cast it on the internal casing to try to up the pressure of what little plasma we have left” and Jeremy goes “uummmm sure if Kimi is over there to help you rewire the rest of the battery on the fly because you are SHRINKING HALF OF ITS PARTS” and then that held for three minutes until oh shit it was still low on plasma and Marian ran over and went “wait a second guys I have a Flaming Sphere spell except Jeremy, Jeeeeremy, I’m technically a plasma variety of Light Cleric, my ~god~ that ~gives me my divine magic~ is the collective of star dryads which live in balls of plasma, we’ve established prior in this setting that some of my fire spells are actually plasma spells, not fire, Jeeeeeremly can shove my hand into the empty battery casing and cast a flaming, 10-foot in diameter ball of plasma to try to give us a fuel boost” and Jeremy went “okay fuck it, stick your hand in the battery and cast a flaming sphere of plasma to give the ship a fuel boost, Leif, make another concentration check to hold the pressure.” and it did and we won the race the end we’re the coolest space elves ever. moral of the story: your players will come up with clever things. Sometimes clever things that mess up your plans. Let it happen, it’s more fun that way.

(Iris has come up with a truly heinous but potentially really effective military tactic that gay murder elf bachelorette campaign is actually a bit more delicate because it’s set in a larger world that Jeremy is running multiple other campaigns in and I’m still not sure if Iria is legit going to be a villain that I face off as a good PC one day, or if she’s a historical figure, or even whether or not this campaign is set in the past, but either way the history of this world matters? and the idea that I came up with has the potential to re-shape history? and I told it to Jeremy and he was quiet for a very long time and then thanked me for telling him and so Iria told Talvus in-character and we’re going to see whether or not in a couple of books this ends up changing the entire history of the world that he runs multiple campaigns in or something drastic like that, but hey, player wants to do something you haven’t thought of, “I didn’t think of that” is not a good enough reason to not let them do it.)

7. Decide if you want to write your own adventure, buy/find online a pre-written one, or vaguely do something in the middle. If you’re going for something pre-written, edits bits and pieces as you go to personalize it to your characters. I have a friend who just wrote and published something for DnD 2nd Edition? And it looks great? http://www.drivethrurpg.com/product/229248/War-Wizards-of-the-Wasteland Even if you don’t play a pre-written adventure, reading a bunch of them will give you an idea of what preparing for sessions is like and what sort of information you should have on hand.

8. Don’t be afraid to make up home-brew mechanics, either for the whole party or for an individual player. Jeremy ran a vignette session called “Flight of the Kalla Tukal” in which we were playing a trio of orcs that had fallen through a tear in space and had just managed to get back and were searching for our tribe, which left without us. Except in his setting, orcs are a super psionic almost hivemind race? You meet orcs outside of radiation space sometimes, but they’re usually Not Coping Very Well with the fact that they’ve been cut off from their community. But the Kalla Tukal were still all linked together so we weren’t all going mad. then the other part of being psychic orcs meant that we could at any point attempt to do telekinesis or mind-control something, and the way that it was determined whether or not that worked is roll a d20, except we’re not trying to get 20, we’re trying to roll as close to each other in number as possible. There was one dramatic moment when two of us rolled 4’s or something and it was a critical success. but it was so cool to have that weird drift-comparability mechanic, and, like, the more people in our group that wanted to contribute, the more likely two people were to roll the same number. it was just?????? so cool??????? so if you want your party to all be psychically connected and be able to throw stuff with their minds I totally recommend that.

on a more personal/one-player level, in the department campaign, it has developed that Seraph really wants to be a research wizard like her family before her, and so the DM and I had a long conversation about the topics that she would want to research and a particular narrative impetus for her to start researching, and he came up with five or six new spells that Seraph will be able to invent over the course of the campaign, except because it’s experimental magic it’s going to start out with a 40% partial-to-total failure rate that will go down the more she tries to cast the spells, because hey, she’s working out the kinks. to me, it’s more than “oh this is a cool new mechanic,” it’s the DM cared enough to take the time to work with me and put what I thought was interesting into the campaign. and you have a lot of room to do that by adding your own rules and conventions and what-not. don’t be afraid to experiment, see what works, and then keep those mechanics around.

9. Start small. Don’t try to start with a whole huge epic campaign, you want to start by running a bunch of mini-arcs in different settings so that you get a feel for how to play and how to run things. This also gives you a chance to figure out how your group of friends plays, who is going to be the person that gives you the most scheduling problems, some of them might like the fighting parts more than the “come up with clever plans” or “interact with NPCs” parts, and this will give you an idea of who you actually want in a long-term campaign. Because long-term campaigns go on for years. Like, gay murder elf bachelorette is probably going to be a year and a half if Jeremy and I keep going at this pace? and that’s vaguely on the short side for something that Jeremy runs. A proper full epic campaign can be a huge time commitment, so start out with mini-arcs just to have fun and get used to stuff and because that is something that people will actually be able to commit time to.

I interrupt this long list of advice for another list of advice of potential ideas for miniature campaigns you could run for your friends. or one of your friends could run, if they’re interested in DMing:

COOL IDEAS FOR ONE-TO-FOUR SESSION MINI-CAMPAIGNS THAT I CAME UP WITH RIGHT NOW OR STOLE FROM FRIENDS WHO CAME UP WITH SUPER COOL THINGS

  —as mentioned in a previous bullet point, “you’re a group of thieves planning an assassination. this is how much money you have. each of your characters has one character connection in the city who can help you get items or forge a document etc etc. this is what the castle looks like. this is what you’ve figured out about guard shifts and security for the party. you have a week to plan. go” and then, like. somebody wants to try to pretend to be a noble to get in? fantastic. someone wants to try to seduce a guard? fantastic. sneaking in the traditional way? fantastic. all three at the same time. faaaantastic. it’s fun, it’s short, the way that you would prepare this is you would think about guards, defenses, patrols, maybe some of the nobles at the party are trained in magic or have weird special teams of guards and maybe have agendas of their own, and then what the actual ball itself would look like and maybe make a castle map, but the fun part of this scenario is the players get to be as creative as possible and I guarantee they will think of the coolest things and then you get to figure out how to react to those things in interesting ways to figure out whether or not they work.

  —okay this is a one-shot I have only heard legends about but everyone was playing a rock band of monsters who were about to give a super huge concert in monster city and I think someone had stolen a drum set or a guitar or something and they were trying to dodge paparazzi and get their instruments back but it was also ridiculous sex drugs rock & roll culture and a comedy one-shot that apparently was the coolest thing in the world, but you can’t go wrong if you start with “crazy monster rock band superstars”. during the sequel they went on tour to the human lands and I think wrecked a couple of cities.

  —this one is stolen from TAZ but fantasy WWE, the intro plot setup that is exposition in the first 10 minutes was “a friend of yours who is a famous wrestler just had her partner assassinated before the biggest match of the year, one of you has been asked to fill in for the match, another as the manager, and then the rest of you are trying to solve this murder mystery super quick because your friend is worried she’s the next target”

   —honestly any sort of “huge gladiator/fighting tournament but there’s drama and foul play going down behind the scenes” makes for a really good short arc. there’s a game that actually Jeremy invented that is played irl at gay theater camp called “bloodrush” which is such a ridiculous game, it’s….vaguely fantasy football except everyone also has daggers and swords and stuff and you are allowed to stab members of the other team but only when they’re holding the ball, although cheating is basically a requirement when the refs’ backs are turned, oh, by the way, the refs are vampires. there have been cases at camp where teams waiting in the bleachers for the next match enemy teams have crept up behind them and slit all their throats with foam daggers while the refs were watching the game, or poisonings, or just. anything you can think of, it’s gone down. my little brother once jumped on the biggest baddest counselor’s back, stabbed him in the shoulder, snatched the ball from him, did a front roll, and ran off, and scored a goal and that is one of his proudest moments of his life to this day, basically what I’m saying is you can’t go wrong with “bloodrush tournament” or whatever your own crazy fantasy sportsball game you want to make up and play.

   —“we are a bunch of archeologists who have a little bit of combat or magic training but not too much because mostly we’re archeologists and someone poked a button in a pyramid and oh god we’ve accidentally summoned an ancient race on monsters that feed on human souls, which also apparently there’s a secret military conspiracy that has been watching this site to try to stop these monsters and have come here to contain them but oops also are ready to murder ALL OF US because WE have human souls, now we’re trying to run and hide from both groups and figure out if we can find anything to banish the monsters again” (this is 100% stolen from a LARP written by a friend of mine) (I’m pretty sure same one who wrote the monster band one-shot, actually) (they’re a really good writer, okay)

   —PRISON ESCAPE. Think Guardians of the Galaxy 1. You can’t go wrong with a prison break game. character design will be so fun. I swear I thought of stuff like this separate from Jeremy. Jeremy’s writing a prison break game and has promised that I get to play Captain Jennijack, a genderfluid space pirate who totally woke up in this prison a week or so ago and doesn’t for the life of them know why they are here, there are, like, eight or ten possible things they could think of but they’re not sure which one they’ve technically been convicted of, and I am holding him to that.

   —Honestly, you have a book that you like? A movie? A TV show? One that you haven’t convinced your friends to watch yet? (or one that you have and they will recognize halfway through.) STEAL THAT, write and run a fanfiction game, it’ll be fun.

ADVICE PART 2: PREPARING FOR A LONGER CAMPAIGN ONCE YOU’RE COMFORTABLE DMING AND HAVE FIGURED OUT THE GROUP OF PEOPLE THAT HAVE GOOD CHEMISTRY AND DYNAMICS AND WANT TO STICK AROUND. I’m assuming you want advice for getting something vaguely like gay murder elf bachelorette to run, so I’m going to talk about broad story-based things that I think are important for setting up good stories?

10. Scheduling is key and what is most likely to mess you up. Pick your players carefully, pick people who are invested and who will turn up. If there are people who didn’t get along during your mini arcs, or who just had very different expectations of what the game should be like re fighting/mechanics and roleplaying balance, don’t put them in the same party. Picking a party isn’t about picking your friends, it’s about picking people who work well together as players, and whose playing style matches your storytelling style. You’re better off with less people but who are super quality players and share a vision with you and get along, than letting someone into the game that’s going to mess stuff up for everyone because of outside-of-game social politics. It’s just not worth it. Not when this might go on for years.

11. There’s something really powerful about a story that isn’t about the Chosen Ones, but instead you’re just a group of people who were at the wrong place at the wrong time and now oh shit it’s on you to save the world. Epic campaigns generally become epic, like, you invest that much time and energy into something and by the finale you usually are saving the universe, but be willing to start out not special. Let specialness develop.

11.5 There is also something really powerful about there sometimes being problems that magic can’t fix. Or that just aren’t fixable. If you haven’t read the Young Wizards series go read it and cry.

12. Write in arcs. This goes along very well with starting small, but have there be different parts of the campaign that are semi self-contained as you slowly build up to something bigger, this is also where you start dropping in personal arcs. Arcs also allow you to change up the feel of the game and keep things interesting and keep people on their toes. The Adventure Zone does maybe the best example of how to have self-contained plot-driven arcs that build to something eventually cohesive, all arcs with their own unique setup and flavor. (The Adventure Zone: Balance is a really great game and I really do advise you listen to it, it’s ~70 episodes but it will get you used to the mechanics of 5e, and holy fuck is it a story.)

13. Don’t be afraid to steal plot points from your favorite things. Hell, don’t be afraid to steal the entire plots of your favorite things. Especially if you’re worried about your own writing skills or creativity or whatever? Fanfiction is freaking great, and it’s fun; some of the best games I’ve ever played have been fanfiction of super obscure things that the writer has afterwards told me what it was fanfiction of and it was so freaking fun to go read/watch the original after I’d already played an even cooler version???? It’s also pretty easy to start out fanfiction and then through developing personal arcs and following party interest, ending up with a story by the end that is entirely original and you. So write fanfiction if you don’t have any ideas, or honestly, if your fanfiction ideas excite you more than when you sit down and try to write with a blank slate.

14. You’re not limited to a high fantasy setting. Honestly, standard high fantasy/dungeon crawl stuff has gotten pretty boring for me? (although the department campaign is pretty cool, but that’s only because it’s high fantasy but we slip in jokes like “Seraph marches downstairs in her pajamas and channels her mother to start yelling at the innkeeper about the utterly terrible customer service of getting poisoned, non-consensually, and that she would like to speak to the manager of the local thieves’ guild to lodge a complaint” because even though it’s high fantasy, it’s funny. TAZ does really good high fantasy too because of how they weave a whole bunch of other stuff in.) but, like, YOU CAN DO DND IN SPACE. you can do modern urban fantasy. you can go post-apocalypse. you can go post-high-fantasy-apocalypse. you can play a supernatural style game. it’s your world, make it whatever you want.

14.5 It is possible to play things that are mechanically the class in the book, but have a different interpretation in the setting. Or just to works differently in the setting. in spelljammer, elves don’t have gods, and I vaguely developed over the course of a couple of months an old belief system that was pretty old even when Marian was a kid that she just pseudo-learned and didn’t quite believe but is now revisiting, and the difference between divine casters and arcane casters is actually just “magic is vaguely a part of physics and most arcane casters are tinkerers who are doing it via weird cool gadgets or are pseudo-scientists/engineers in their training and approach to magic, while for divine casters it’s more of an internal, feelings-based thing.” I’m also very very excited because I have developed a super intense and specific lore that is canonically what elves used to believe and what Marian believes, but might not actually be how the world and death specifically works at all, so I’m bouncing up and down on my feet waiting to discover what’s going down behind the scenes with gods in that campaign, instead of it just being “oh yeah choose your gods from the gods in the book.” in the department campaign, Seraph is from a family of wizards and thinks that she is a wizard even though she is actually an arcanist, because the world doesn’t have words different types of casters esp niche types of casters yet. the DM and I are planning for it to be a huuuuge surprise now that she’s leveled up enough to have access to “arcanic exploits” which are at-will abilities that wizards don’t have, and it is going to be an in-character process of her discovering that she can do something that according to the known laws of magic she shouldn’t be able to do, and now oh shit she has to research it. even though mechanically, we’re going pretty much entirely by the book, the book doesn’t exist in the world! characters don’t know what players know! make it interesting to discover things that you as a player might otherwise take for granted!

14.75 make magic and fighting sound cool, and design how you describe it to be specific to the setting or the culture. in gay murder elf bachelorette campaign, the way that Caedic casting works is you first have to draw a rune in the air that then hovers there all glowy, and then you “thread the needle” which is projecting power through it in a very specific manner, I’m pretty sure that Surrians cast differently, magic works different in different parts of the world. having a melee fight scene? describe how people exchange blows back and forth or let them choose how their killing blows will look or just make them feel like badasses whenever they try to do a cool thing because it’s cool. I am used to playing magic/caster characters just because I generally am more familiar with magical mechanics than fighting mechanics and magic has always been more interesting to me but holy crud I have never had a fight scene so fun as the one when Iria had led a researcher from the Black Lotus Labs to a fae font that she’d found scouting in the woods and this seaweed creature eventually attacked them and she did a badass holding it off with her scimitar an then Vennikus, the researcher, tried to throw a cold iron knife at it but missed, and so Iria, who had been training in two-weapon fighting, saw the knife, did a front roll underneath the monster’s next swing, picked up the knife, exchanged a flurry of blows with the thing now two-handed fighting which eventually ended with her doing this super badass throwing both weapons in the air and catching them to switch hands, leaping on the things back, slashing so deep with her scimitar that it finally got through all of the seaweed and cleared it before it could get back to a weird, pulsating green heart, which then she drove the cold iron blade into all the way up to its hilt. which was so much cooler than “oh shit I rolled a crit on my scimitar hand and confirmed it and I guess that deals enough damage for this thing to die,” nah, I drove a cold iron knife into that thing’s pulsating heart and so that’ll be a scene that I never forget. Even when I miss Jeremy makes me sound cool because then when the enemies miss he talks about how good my footwork is or how well I’ve drilled to block these exact kinds of blows so the Surrian had no chance because my training kicked in type deal. it makes fight scenes more than just rolling dice, and thus easier to get engaged in.

14.8725 I swear I didn’t start out this essay as an “I’m going to sing the praises of Jeremy for several thousand words”

15. It’s always interesting when you have mechanical reasons for players leveling up. Or for what their classes are. That’s always a tricky one to balance, and it’s one that I’ve been doing aggressively as a player? And to be fair, if your players start out with young and fairly inexperienced characters, “I am gaining experience at doing a thing” is a perfectly good narrative reason to level up. You want to play an older character? One of my friends is playing a 150-year-old orc who was a Great Adventurer back in the day and retired to take care of great-great grandkids and is back in an adventuring party now but wheeee is starting at level 1 because they’re out of practice oh, and they have bad knees. There’s also always the option of “I hurt myself real bad and I’ve been recovering,” leveling up isn’t ~gaining new experience~, it’s slowly getting better through whatever your injury is. or just you can write this off as an unavoidable mechanical aspect of the game, eh, not that important, I just love it when tiny details match up. This isn’t actually an important point, I’ve kind of moved on to the “picky details that I care about” second of this advice rant.

16. Make the unexpected important. JEREMY GAVE ME THE MOST ADORABLE PET SPACE OCTOPUS AS A FAMILIAR AND I HAVE BEEN ASSUMING THAT VELO IS JUST VELO AND THEN JEREMY MADE SOME SORT OF A SIDE COMMENT ABOUT “YEAH VELO IS NOTHING LIKE YOU’D EVER HEARD OF BEFORE” AND YEAH DUH BECAUSE THE LIL’ BUDDY WAS SUMMONED THROUGH A MYSTERY SPELL IN A MYSTERY PIECE OF EXTINCT TECH BUT NOW I’M FREAKING PARANOID OUT OF CHARACTER THAT VELO IS SECRETLY AN EMISSARY OF RAT JESUS OR SOMETHING. but also just, like, nothing is cooler than “oh that tiny thing that happened when you were level 1 that you didn’t really think much of and it’s just been vaguely a thing you’ve carried with you for the adventure? turns out it was the most important thing in the world!!!!!” just. good foreshadowing. unexpected foreshadowing. it’s great.

17. Your players will invent stuff, either as a part of their backstory or as something that they’re interested in. Let them, especially if you don’t have a previously established canon opinion on the thing. This is 100% a self-serving thing of what I wants DMs to do when I’m a player of, like. I really love getting to write stuff into the setting, but also it’s because good improv means go with the flow. Someone says something? Work it in, oops, it’s canon now. This can be both on-purpose or accident; in the department campaign, I wanted to write in-character letters to an NPC in my backstory from the beginning, except goddamnit I didn’t want to have to deal with “and it’ll take a couple of months for the mail to travel across the country to get to them,” so I made an offhand reference in the email that I was sending the DM the letters of “can we say I just threw them in the arcanic postlines,” which then, like. After doing this about five times I sat down and wrote out the exact magical theory about how arcanic postlines should work considering how we’d said that they function in-game and the DM went “okay, sounds great, that’s consistent with how we’ve been dealing with these letters for the last two months” and that is why the fantasy world of the departmental campaign has a highly functional postage system. On the improv end of things, there is a beautiful moment in The Adventure Zone where the wizard just, in-character, teases another wizard about “ooooh, don’t want to burn your spell slots,” and the DM just went with it and suddenly it became canon that instead of spell slots being a behind-the-scenes mechanical thing that doesn’t exist in-world, it was a legitimate way that wizards referred to how much magic they could cast a day. Which I love so much, that’s so interesting for a high fantasy setting. Letting players add to the setting will bring in cool new things that you didn’t think of, and you should be open to it.

18. First priority is everyone should be having fun, and communication is key for that to work. Debrief sometimes after sessions. Ask people what their favorite parts are. listen to them chat about their theories. follow up on actively developing framework for the things that people think are fun. ultimately DnD is as much about friends getting together and having a good time as it is about telling a huge, epic, intricate, interconnected story, and the huge epic stories are a lot more fun if you’ve been having fun the whole way along.

All that all being said.

Don’t expect your campaign to look like gay elf murder bachelorette campaign, the way that I am playing in gay murder elf campaign is…..a bad way to play in a party? Being a conscientious player means being aware that the overall story arc isn’t just about you, it’s weaving together about everyone and there is always a part of me that is thinking about “is everyone getting equal screentime” and going “I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS NPC JEREMY SHE’S SO GOOD AT FIGHTING OH MY GODS THAT MURDEROUS LOOK SHE GETS WHEN SHE’S FACING OFF AGAINST SURRIANS AND SHE DOESN’T THINK ANYONE IS WATCHING JEREMY I AM IN LOVE” and, like, actively going over to try to talk with her any time I had the chance to ever and insisting on sparring with her any time we had free time and insisting on having a bunch of scenes with Talvus of “oh my god Talvus help she said three whole words to me what does it mean” which made all this the gay mess that it was would have been something that I wouldn’t have done if there were other people in the party with other agendas; gay elf murder bachelorette campaign gets to be gay elf murder bachelorette campaign specifically because Jeremy and I realized “….wait, there are only the two of us, we can get as ridiculous with this as we want” and have decided to commit. Fully. But that’s not the sort of shit you want to pull if there’s a whole other group of people who just kind of have to sit and watch every time you want to go over and flirt with your murder-rival-who-will-maybe-one-day-be-your-murder-girlfriend before they can do the stuff they want to do.

(As a secondary warning note if you’re doing any sort of roleplaying and are playing a fictional character in love with another fictional character being played by a friend of yours, you better be on the same page as your friend as, like, one of you not having a secret crush on the other in real life because shit gets messy and then real life and character stuff starts to blend and it’s just. I have been there and done that when I was a 17-year-old Gay Mess and I feel like it is my responsibility as a 22-year-old Slightly More Responsible Gay Mess to warn you against that. Jeremy and I know each other very well and have for years and know each other’s boundaries and talked about triggers and boundaries before starting this campaign, which to be fair was more because as a villain campaign dark stuff is probs going to happen but we have talked about fictional romance too , but I would not play this intimately with someone I didn’t trust intimately. So keep that in mind when designing things?)

ALSO THAT BEING SAID

if you want a gay elf murder bachelorette campaign, there is a game called Monsterhearts that I have never played but heard about friends playing and they all freaking love it and there are a lot of undertones about dealing with mental illness and being queer and in the closet and the entire setup of the game is y’all are monsters in high school having love life drama and everything I have heard about this game is how remarkable it is combined with stories about the most ridiculous teenage drama, sooooo possibly after I have ranted for 8000 words about how to set up a functional Dungeons and Dragons campaign which the party and DMing advice still I think applies to any game Monsterhearts might be the game that you want to start with.

BONUS: ADVICE FROM JEREMY.

[oakpodcast]

Transmission 9 Transcript

HOLLY: If you're a new listener, make sure to start at the very beginning.

MUSIC: HOLLY'S THEME: "SOLITUDE" BY MUCIOJAD

INT. HOLLY'S MINIVAN

SOUND: OUTSIDE TRAFFIC, RAIN ON THE VAN, WINDSHIELD WIPERS

HOLLY: (A bit coolly). Hi. Happy Thanksgiving, wherever you are. (Sighs)

SOUND: A BABY COOS

HOLLY: Right, so... it's been a while. (Defensively) But I've been busy and tired and stressed and moving around a lot and doing laundry every three days!

SOUND: MUSIC FADES OUT

HOLLY: So, as you may have guessed, I have a baby now. A, a three-month-old.

HOLLY: I would have sent you a birth announcement, but... (angry pause.) Anyway, she was 5 pounds, 12 ounces. Seventeen and a half inches long, or so Cami tells me.

HOLLY: And yes, that is definitely on the small side. (Sighs) She was early but not premature—if she'd been really early, I would have gone to the hospital... (fumbling for words—maybe she should have gone to the hospital anyway?)

HOLLY: Anyway. She's bigger than that now, and she's doing pretty well, all things considered. The doctors say she's... okay.

HOLLY:

Health issues aside, I'm still not sure how much gender bullshit to force on her? I mean, how do we know for sure?

SOUND: BABY FUSSES

HOLLY: But for now, everyone wants to call Ivy "her" and give her pink things, and...

SOUND: FUSSING INTENSIFIES; LEIA MEOWS

HOLLY: Honestly, she's three months old! She, she doesn't care! We're going to go with the statistically most likely option and worry about it when the time comes.

HOLLY: (Doubting herself) That, that's fine, right? (Muttering) I don't know...

HOLLY: Ivy, or Margalit, or whatever name fits you best— if you're listening to this ten years in the future, I just want you to know: I don't care what your gender is, or if you even have one, and I never have. All I care about is that you root for the Senators.

SOUND: IVY FUSSES MORE

HOLLY: Thank you so much Lisa and all my new $1 Patreon supporters. I knew having a baby would be expensive, but...

SOUND: PHONE VIBRATES ONCE FOR A TEXT MESSAGE; HOLLY TRIES TO IGNORE IT

HOLLY: Diapers alone? Holy shit. And then you stock up, right? Because the last thing you want is to run out at 3am again when your child has poop up her back and down into her socks somehow, and then a week later your child has finally grown out of the preemie size and into the newborn, and you have to donate all those diapers, because you don't have a receipt, and Target will not take them back.

HOLLY: And then, you're just so tired and worn out, you don't care if you're spending all your money on frivolous shit. For instance, seven different pacifiers, on the off chance that maybe, just maybe, you can get more than forty-five minutes of sleep at one time. Or a portable rocker that goes through four D batteries every other day just so you can take a shower in peace. Or "Advanced Care Plus Nipple Balm," because—I don't even want to talk about it.

SOUND: IVY STARTS NURSING

HOLLY: I can't even think about the doctor costs, even just so far. If Ivy's dad wasn't paying for it, I, I really don't know what we would do.

SOUND: RAIN PATTERS ON THE VAN ROOF

HOLLY: In other demoralizing news, my podcast has been getting spammed with some random one-star reviews on iTunes lately. Sometimes they get taken down, sometimes they stay up.

HOLLY: I don't even know what I'm doing with this podcast after this episode. But if you like listening, uh, it would mean a lot (Ivy coughs) if you could rate and review wherever you listen to podcasts.

HOLLY: Also, a few people asked me if I would make merchandise? So while I was bored at the laundromat, I made some designs and I put them up on CafePress and Zazzle. I've got to warn you—I'm not an artist. I'm pretty sure I'm the opposite of an artist. But hey, you can get a giant mug or a hoodie or whatever makes your life happier, and I'll use the profits to buy Leia a cheeseburger, so...

LEIA: (Hearing the word "cheeseburger") Meow?!

HOLLY: Everyone wins!

LEIA:

MEOW!!!!

HOLLY: I put the links, on my website, oakpodcast.com, under the "merch" tab at the top. If I remember, I'll put them in the description of this episode but don't count on that—I'm really sleep-deprived.

HOLLY: Did I mention that the mugs on Zazzle are color-changing?

SOUND: IVY LOSES HER LATCH AND GRUMBLES LOUDLY; HOLLY HELPS HER REATTACH

HOLLY: (Sighs) I miss you, Mica. I don't have anyone to bitch about Thanksgiving with this year.

SOUND: IVY CRIES BRIEFLY

HOLLY: (Softly) Where the fuck are you?

HOLLY: I don't know where you were, but you seriously missed out by flaking on Ivy's birth. I get that having a baby in an empty AirBnB bath tub doesn't sound magical, but it was! It was lunch time, but everything went dark right as I was pushing her out, and Leia panicked and ran to the window and started meowing, and...

HOLLY: It was just the eclipse, obviously, but at the time, it was more like, "Well, fuck, I just gave birth to the harbinger of the apocalypse."

HOLLY: (Scoffs, smiling at Ivy) She's pretty cute for a harbinger of doom, though. I know I'm biased, but I'd be more inclined to say she's the, the 'savior of mankind', or something.

HOLLY: I've been going to synagogue again. I mean, when I'm in a town that has one, which is less often than you would hope. But still, I've been going.

SOUND: IVY YELLS

HOLLY: (Defensively) Not because I think I need divine intervention to take care of a baby. I don't! I'm doing just fine. ...Anyway, that's not why I'm going to synagogue.

SOUND: A LARGE TRUCK PASSES THROUGH THE RAINY STREET

HOLLY: It feels like the early days of something awful, and I don't want to be alone. You know, that bullshit in Charlottesville started on a Friday, like, a week before Ivy was born, and I was already tuned into an online service the next day, before shit even properly hit the fan.

HOLLY: I don't know if I believe there's a God. Luckily, that's not really a requirement most places. But I do know there's a community out there, and I—

SOUND: HOLLY'S PHONE VIBRATES WITH ANOTHER TEXT, WHICH SHE ALSO IGNORES.

HOLLY: Since you left the group chat, and Cami and Ev have to be radio silent so much of the day... I've been a little lonely, I guess. I don't really keep in touch with them that much since Cami went back home. I'm not the best at keeping in touch anyway, but it's still hard.

HOLLY: The last thing I want is my parents taking care of me. We both know they would just bribe a judge to declare me incompetent and give them custody of Ivy. But I need some kind of emotional support to get through everything. Especially since you've fucked off to... wherever you are.

SOUND: HOLLY'S PHONE VIBRATES WITH ANOTHER TEXT

HOLLY: Tom wants me living near him, in D.C. He thinks I'd be safer, and that 'a place of my own would be better for my mental health.' He's right on the last one, but I'm okay in the van, and we're much safer on the road.

HOLLY: Whatever you did to piss off [BEEP], they are not happy about it, and they seem to be under the impression that I can tell them where you are, so I try not to sit still too long these days.

HOLLY: I don't know if this was your goal, but all those terrible things you said about my potential parenting abilities? They just makes me more determined.

HOLLY: When it's five a.m., and Ivy wakes up screaming, and I can't drink coffee because it tanks my milk supply, and I know if I can't make enough milk she'll end up in the hospital with a feeding tube, I just grit my teeth and put in my earbuds and think "Nope, not proving Mica right today!"

HOLLY: If someone had told me a year ago that I would be able to take care of a baby by myself... not just any baby, but a, a sick baby, who can't drink from a bottle, and can't hold her head up even at three months, and that I would be doing this while living in a van, on the run, technically homeless, trying to stay one step ahead of— well, I wouldn't have believed them.

HOLLY: And I don't think I'm just keeping her alive, I mean, I like to think I'm doing more than that.

HOLLY: I really don't know enough about babies to be able to tell, but Tom and Cami would know, and they say I'm doing a good job.

HOLLY: I try to hack the process whenever I can. You wouldn't believe how many baby-tracking apps there are, let alone how many I have on my phone right now.

HOLLY: Babies still don't make sense to me. Ivy doesn't make sense to me most days! The book said I would be able to tell which cry means she's hungry and which cry means she's wet and and which one meant she has colic, but I'm still figuring that out.

HOLLY: Fortunately, there are only so many things that are generally wrong with a baby! I don't have to try to fix her existential crises yet... I know that will come later, I mean, probably. But given that we can't really communicate, I don't have to fix them yet.

HOLLY: It turns out, sometimes sick babies just scream for hours for NO REASON. You're not doing anything wrong, you're not killing them, they're not dying, they just. Want. To cry. And... who doesn't, sometimes?

HOLLY: When that happens, all you can really do is find the nearest Walmart parking lot and lie in the back of your van blaring music in your headphones and patting her back.

HOLLY: Sometimes you just can't fix whatever's wrong.

HOLLY: I would if I could, though! I would do anything for her. I would die for her! But more than that, I would live for her.

HOLLY: I actually take care of myself now, and I don't seriously think about suicide anymore.

HOLLY: I know I'm not the best parent, but I don't think anyone could possibly ever love her more than I do, or try harder than I do.

HOLLY: Seriously, can parenting be a special interest? Because I think it is for me.

SOUND: IVY FUSSES AGAIN

HOLLY: (Quietly) I told you I could do this alone if I had to. And I haven't changed my mind about that, I, I think I'm doing okay. But I... really thought you meant it when you said you wanted to do it with me.

HOLLY: Everyone keeps telling me that you took our money and ran. And I do know that, on some level. Tom showed me the footage of you clearing out our bank accounts.

HOLLY: He says you must have planned this for a while, and, frankly, I don't see how he's wrong about that.

HOLLY: But I have so much trouble wrapping my head around it. We, we don't lie to each other! Or, I thought we didn't.

HOLLY: But all that stuff about Thai food and catching up on TV shows and going to Lamaze classes together in Denmark—none of that was real?!

HOLLY: I think you must have had some other plan, some plan that didn't work out. You had some kind of plan, and I like to think it involved me and Ivy.

SOUND: FIRE TRUCK APPROACHES WITH SIRENS ON. IVY STARTS SHRIEKING.

LEIA: (In distress that the large kitten is upset) Meow! Meow! Meow!

SOUND: THE FIRE TRUCK PASSES, AND IVY AND LEIA CALM DOWN

HOLLY: I know I'm not the best at reading people but... I always thought you were the exception.

HOLLY: I can't accept that you were conning me for months if not years, because that throws everything I thought I knew out the window. And that's why I prefer to believe that you had good intentions, but something went horribly wrong.

HOLLY: But Mica, I need you to understand something. You have fucked up my life in some pretty extraordinary ways— especially this past year, but not just then.

HOLLY: I look back at every decision I've ever made, and you were there, pushing me toward the worst possible option.

HOLLY: Seriously! If you think about it—that night I almost killed Yule Team? I wasn't the one whining that I hated getting high alone.

SOUND: HOLLY'S PHONE VIBRATES, STARTLING IVY

HOLLY: I didn't want to get high before the holiday party. I didn't want to drink an entire bottle of wine at the holiday party. I mean, granted, my parents being there did make me more... susceptible to the idea, but...

HOLLY: Even if it had been my idea to get drunk and high, I definitely didn't want to spend the night (PHONE VIBRATES) at my commanding officer's house! Whether or not you knew we were exes, I— w-whyyy would I want to do that? Do you ever think anything through?! God!

SOUND: PHONE VIBRATES WITH ANOTHER TEXT MESSAGE

HOLLY: And why, exactly, did I have to go on the run, instead of being protected by the military? Why did I have to sleep in abandoned buildings and do all the things I did when I was eight months pregnant?!

SOUND: IVY SCREAMS

HOLLY: At every SINGLE turn, you've done the exact opposite of whatever I told you I wanted.

LEIA: Meow! Meowww!

SOUND: HOLLY'S PHONE VIBRATES NONSTOP

HOLLY: And now you've fucked me over so thoroughly—(sputtering angrily over Ivy's shrieks, Leia's Meows) and Ivy! (Higher pitched) I can't even afford to take Ivy to the doctor!

SOUND: SCREAMING, MEOWING, VIBRATING

HOLLY: You're not even in our lives and you're still fucking us over! Goddammit—

SOUND: IVY IS SOOTHED; MEOWING CONTINUES WHILE HOLLY'S PHONE STOPS VIBRATING

HOLLY: (Still tense, but shifting gears quickly) Hey, uh can I call you back in... ten minutes?

SOUND: LONG SILENCE; A CONCERNED MEOW

HOLLY: No, sorry. I'm okay. I was just really lonely.

SOUND: A PAUSE; IVY STARTS CRYING AGAIN

HOLLY: No! Jesus. No, I just wanted to talk to someone other than Ivy and Leia. I'm fine.

SOUND: IVY SCREAMS, LEIA MEOWS

HOLLY: (More firmly) No, we're both fine. Are we still on for tomorrow at five?

SOUND: MEDIUM PAUSE; A LARGE TRUCK PASSES

HOLLY: Right, and then the Black Friday lines are always insane, so they'll probably gone a few hours. Yeah, just call me when they leave. Ivy and Leia almost always wake me up around four, so I should be awake.

SOUND: MEDIUM PAUSE; IVY WAILS

HOLLY: No, no. Go be with your family. We're fine.

SOUND: CRYING AND MEOWING

HOLLY: Right, I'll see tomorrow... You too. Bye.

SOUND: IVY POOPS LOUDLY—APPARENTLY THIS CRY MEANS HER TUMMY IS HURTING.

HOLLY: Great. All right, hold that thought...

SOUND: CLICK, THEN TOTAL SILENCE AS HOLLY PAUSES THE RECORDER TO CHANGE A DIAPER

HOLLY: He's been really good to us, you know? I really don't think we would have made it without him.

HOLLY: He actually brought me my DD-214, right after Ivy was born. (Snorts) I guess they were in a hurry to get rid of me.

SOUND: IVY MAKES RANDOM BABY NOISES

HOLLY: It was an OTH, in case you were wondering. I know I could appeal to get it upgraded to general, and given who my parents are, and the good work I've done for the past ten years, I think I'd have a good chance...

HOLLY: But no one gives a fuck! I, they make it sound like it's the end of the world if you don't get an honorable discharge, but really, no one outside the military cares. I mean... I wouldn't go to the VA hospital if my life depended on it, and I doubt the programming jobs I'm looking at will care.

SOUND: IVY NURSES LOUDLY AND NOT VERY COMPETENTLY

HOLLY: They didn't demote Tom, but they did make him retire. I mean, I'm not actually sure on the details. It's possible people were just so awful to him he decided it would be better to retire. Either way...

HOLLY: He's had some good interviews—at least, he tells me he's had some good interviews, and he's really not wrong about the money in the private sector, it's... way better. But I know that if he really cared about the money, he could have switched to the private sector decades ago.

HOLLY: Everything is so wrecked, I don't even know where to start fixing it. I've lost my home, my career, my savings, my best friend, every earthly possession I've ever owned... and just for good measure, we destroyed the marriage, career, and reputation of my daughter's father.

HOLLY: So, great! Now Ivy is not only sick and uninsured, but the only person supporting us is puling from his savings just to buy diapers!

HOLLY: I'm not saying Tom and I are blameless, or that things were perfect, or that I'm not irrationally upset about some things I have no right to be upset about because... it doesn't matter!

HOLLY: But what happened at the holiday party should have stayed between the two of us. If you had just left things alone when I asked you to, things would be so much better!

HOLLY: I really wish I'd stood up to you. For whatever I feel about Tom, at least I can believe him when he says he was just confused. Because unlike you, he has a track record of actually listening to me and respecting what I tell him I want.

HOLLY: And also unlike you, he's actually been there for us. He's spent so much time and money helping us—time and money I know he doesn't have.

SOUND: IVY CHOKES ON MILK AND STARTS CRYING

LEIA: Meow? Meow! Meow!!!

SOUND: IVY SETTLES DOWN AND RESUMES NURSING

HOLLY: You've always gotten yourself into all kinds of shit, and until this year, I didn't care that you pulled me along with you. But now I have Ivy, and if you bring your shitshow anywhere close to her, I will end you.

HOLLY: I did a lot of thinking and praying and researching during the High Holy Days. And the rabbis I talked to all said the same thing—I'm only obligated to forgive anyone making an actual effort to make amends and fix things between us.

HOLLY: Ivy was really sick around then, like scary sick, and Tom—I don't know what he told his family, but he came out here for almost two weeks, cooking, and cleaning, and changing diapers, paying for doctor's visits— even going to synagogue with me and taking Ivy out when she cried so I could stay. And that whole time, you were... well.

HOLLY: I don't know if you're in over your head with [BEEP], or if you just got cold feet about helping me raise Ivy and extreme ghosted me.

HOLLY: But whatever you left us for was obviously more important. And I won't lie, that hurts, a lot. But I understand! A lot of things in the world are more important than me. That's how the world is.

HOLLY: But that means that a lot of things in the world are more important than you, too. And the most important thing in my world is Ivy. And I will NOT stand for anyone stealing from her and putting her in danger, Jesus!

MUSIC: OUTRO, "SOLITUDE" BY MUCIOJAD

HOLLY: And that's why this will be my last message to you. You made your choice, and I don't have anything else to say to you.

HOLLY: I don't think I'll ever stop loving you. But for all of our sakes, I really hope I never see you again.

HOLLY: I'd say leave us alone, but that doesn't seem to be a problem for you.

HOLLY: So... have a nice life, Mica.

SOUND: MUSIC AND RAINY AMBIENCE FADE OUT

[targetdummy]

I’m not interesting, but I was tagged by @givemebishies to answer some stuff about. These probably won’t be that cool or interesting for anyone else to read, but here we go!

Rules: Answer all questions, add one question of your own and tag as many people as there are questions.

1. Coke or Pepsi: Pepsi. It’s sweeter, and you’re supposed to sip soda rather than drinking it like water. Plus, MJ still forgave them after they caught his hair on fire, started his painkiller addiction, and dropped him as a promoter because of the child abuse allegations, so I imagine he at least liked to drink it.

2. Disney or Dreamworks: Disney generally. I’m not a big fan of either one, but I think Disney has made more important things in their time. Kind of unfair since they’ve been around longer, but whatever.

3. Coffee or Tea: Cappuccino. And even then I don’t want to taste the coffee in it.

4. Books or Movies: I watch more movies, but I think more books have had a serious impact on my life. I don’t know though, Rocky is a freaking masterpiece.

5. Windows or Mac: What? Where is my GNU/Linux option? Richard Stallman didn’t die for this! [For real though, I use Windows because I’m peasant trash who likes to play video games without spending hours on configuration. Though, I am considering dual-booting with Linux Mint in the near future. We’ll see. And Stallman isn’t dead, that was a joke.]

6. DC or Marvel: Marvel. Gotta have my Spider-Man and X-Men. The Avengers are also much more varied and interesting than the Justice League.

7. Xbox or Playstation: Playstation all the way. I can’t even name an Xbox exclusive offhand other than Halo or Gears of War. Playstation has a more interesting history too.

8. Dragon Age or Mass Effect: A friend of mine kept telling me to play both, but stressed Dragon Age more. I have played neither.

9. Night Owl or Early Rise: Night owl. I feel and work better at night. I like knowing the rest of the world is asleep.

10. Cards or Chess: Cards because they are an unlimited number of games! (So is Chess technically, but I like that with cards you can more easily have a random aspect if you want).

11. Chocolate or Vanilla: Are we talking ice cream? Vanilla. Are we talking brownies? Chocolate. Are we talking anything else? I don’t know.

12. Vans or Converse: I buy the cheapest shoe that feels comfortable and doesn’t make me hate myself when I wear them. I’ve never owned either of those.

13. Lavellan, Trevelyan, Cadash or Adaar: I’m sorry, I’m only a level 2 mage, I don’t know those ones yet.

14. Fluff or Angst: both I guess? I’m an angst lookin’ to get his fluff on.

15. Beach or Forest: Beach beach beach. I need to be warm and surrounded by water.

16. Dogs or Cats: I like cats and dogs that act like cats.

17. Clear Skies or Rain: Rain all the way. Rain for days. Clear skies are boring and make me sad. They don’t even move. I can feel rain. It surrounds me and makes me feel loved. Warm rain especially, or cool rain on a warm day.

18. Cooking or Eating Out:  I prefer eating out in both senses of the term. But for real, I love restaurants. I love the feeling of being in one, and knowing that my food is being handled by someone who knows how to make it well. Then to just have it brought to me, it’s awesome. Like, I didn’t make this. I don’t deserve this. But you’re giving me this, just for some paper. It’s just so comforting. Oh, and takeout is awesome too, because it’s that experience, but with more control and less atmosphere. All of it makes me so happy, honestly, I can’t understate how awesome it is to pickup food from somewhere awesome. Shout out to my people at El Canelo, that’s the place I dream of when I’m hungry. Any Chinese/Japanese is great too. Then fast food, Sheetz and Chick-Fil-A especially can be great. All of it, man. I’m sorry, I wrote too much for this.

19. Spicy Food or Mild Food: Spicy! Specifically, spicy and sweet. It’s all a part of the experience!

20. Halloween/Samhain or Solstice/Yule/Christmas: Halloween is cooler theme-wise. Japanese Christmas though 💕

21. Would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot : Yeah, I guess a little too cold, because I love the sensation of getting warm.

22. If you could have a superpower, what would it be? Phew, does what Dr. Manhattan have count? You know, just be god. Nah, I wouldn’t want that, that’s too much. Controlling time would be cool. Would probably be depressing in reality, but cool in theory.

23. Animation or Live Action: This really depends on the work.

24. Paragon or Renegade: I have no idea what this is referencing. But Renegade is a 1986 beat ‘em up game that I really like for one reason: it’s the start of the Kunio-Kun series that would eventually lead to Downtown Nekketsu Monogatari, or River City Ransom. Renegade isn’t amazing on its own, but really cool to see where RCR got its origin.

25. Baths or Showers: Showers usually.

26. Team Cap or Team Iron Man: Haven’t watched Civil War yet, but Iron Man.

27. Fantasy or Sci-Fi: Sci-Fi usually feels bigger than Fantasy and can include Fantasy elements without much of an issue (infinite universe, infinite possibilities), so I’ll go with it.

28. Do you have three or four favourite quotes?

Okay, these might get lengthy, so here we go:

1. (Solid Snake from Metal Gear Solid 2)

“Life isn't just about passing on your genes. We can leave behind much more than just DNA. Through speech, music, literature and movies... what we've seen, heard, felt... anger, joy and sorrow... these are the things I will pass on. That's what I live for. We need to pass the torch, and let our children read our messy and sad history by its light. We have all the magic of the digital age to do that with. The human race will probably come to an end some time, and new species may rule over this planet. Earth may not be forever, but we still have the responsibility to leave what traces of life we can. Building the future and keeping the past alive are one and the same thing. “

2. (Dr. Manhattan from Watchmen)

“Nothing ends, Adrian. Nothing ever ends.”

3. (Shigeru Miyamoto)

“A delayed game is eventually good, but a rushed game is forever bad.“

And there’s a lot more but I’m bad at remembering them.

29. YouTube or Netflix: YouTube, I watch it way more than Netflix. I like all the different voices on YouTube, how accessible it is.

30. Harry Potter or Percy Jackson: Isn’t Harry Potter a My Immortal fanfic? I go with that one. Also, nobody will even remember Percy Jackson in ten years.

31. When You Feel Accomplished: When I’ve created something that people enjoy, and when I fulfill the needs of those I love. I haven’t been doing enough of either lately :/

32. Star Wars or Star Trek: I accept that Star Trek is superior in every way, however I will always defend Star Wars as my personal favorite.

33. Paperback Books or Hardback Books: Hardback. I am less likely to ruin it, and it looks nicer on a shelf.

34. horror or rom-com: I’m not a fan of either, but I like horror elements in other things.

35. tv shows or movies: TV shows. Individual stories that build to an overall story arc will always have more depth than a single movie. That’s why Samurai Jack is more compelling than any of the samurai movies it draws inspiration from.

36. favorite animal: Tiger.

37. favorite genre of music: Funk and its derivatives.

38. least favorite book: The Old Man and the Sea. I like Hemmingway, but it’s a book where nothing happens, the most exciting part is when he says the ocean is a women having her period, and the ending feels like actually watching an old man die. He doesn’t die in the book, that’s just how it feels.

39. favourite season: Summer. As hot as possible.

40. song that’s currently stuck in your head: ME NE’ER HA ME GUN SO ME HA TA MOO SHARP LI ME KNIFE

41. what kind of pyjama’s do you wear? Pajama pants and a t-shirt. I wear this all day when possible.

42. Handwriting or Typing? Typing. Gotta go fast. And I can’t compile my code from a piece of paper.

43. If you can only choose one song to be played at your funeral, what would it be? The Real Folk Blues.

44. What is your go to book/movie/tv show that you immediately find solace in when you feel down? Okay, I don’t know about books, movies, or TV shows, but I always find solace in any YouTube show that can make me feel less alone. It doesn’t have to be funny or interesting, I just have to feel like people are around me, talking, and being happy. Game Grumps works well for this, or most podcasts.

45. “Yer a wizard/witch, Y/N” - your reaction? I know. I didn’t learn to code just to not be a wizard.

46. Are you generally a messy or organized person? I’m an organized person who appears messy. It’s like a hashing algorithm. There is some initial data behind it, but you can’t make sense of the result, and there’s no way to reverse it.

47. What’s your go to comfort food? Anything fried. Especially fries. It just feels so familiar, so welcoming, like it can never be bad. Especially with good sauces, sweet and sour most of all probably.

48. Do you enjoy being creative? If so what’s your favorite way to create? I do. I’m not sure what my favorite way is. Writing is easiest, but making games and web stuff is so rewarding. I need to do more either way.

My question:

49: Other than Tumblr, what is your favorite website?

I have no friends to tag :D (But if you see this and nobody tagged you to do it, you can totally say I tagged you and do it anyway. I’ll vouch for you.)

[elainescookingforthesoul]

TRANSCRIPT for Episode 1.02 "Maddie's Rice and Beans" (PART 2/2)

ACT II

[WELCOME-BACK MUSIC]

ELAINE: Welcome back and thank you for pouring your continued existence into consuming Elaine's Cooking Podcast for the Soul. I know that there are literally millions of other things you could focus on, and frankly, I do not understand why you are here. Why any of us are here. At a certain point, our extremely brief lives are a cracked pathway of unaccounted moments paved with meaningless content. We thank you for choosing us as your preferred meaningless content to stuff into the crevices of your inconsequential life. 

[BEANS BUBBLE] 

MADDIE: So the beans are nice and tender. 

ELAINE: Yes, we've been here for a full one hundred minutes, and I could not be more ready to chow down. Let's drain and wash this pan, what do you say, Maddie? 

MADDIE: Sounds perfect. Do you have a sink I can use? 

ELAINE: Use the spit sink here. Why else would I set us up on a reclined R-1 dental exam chair, if not to make good use of this sink?

MADDIE: Perfect. Ooh--eesh.

[SPIT SINK SQUEAKS. WATER POURS]

ELAINE: Now that is a unique technique I'm observing. Care to describe it for the listener? 

MADDIE: Well, I--OW--I don't have a colander, so--hahahaaaht-- I'll normally just use a fork and kind of hold back the material in the pan--HOO-- and try not to scald-- OW-- myself as I let the water sift out. Phew! One less dish to clean, right? 

[BEANS DROP] 

ELAINE: Very savvy. I'll just pick up those beans that dropped in the spit sink here to sample--mmm. They're quite moist. 

MADDIE: I'm glad to hear it. We've all endured a lot these past few months: Nuclear holocaust, fear and famine, the rise of android patrolmen, and the death of many of my favorite celebrities and family members, but one thing I cannot bear is tough, undercooked beans. 

[BEANS PLOP INTO A BOWL] 

ELAINE: Well you're certainly setting the standard for this cooking podcast quite high, and I love it. So the red beans are now in a bowl, and the pot itself we're just gonna rinse out real quick so we can get started on the rice. 

[WATER RUNNING, RAPID SCRUBBING]

ELAINE (CONT’D): I'm not going to worry about that residue. Call it a little bonus protein. Ready to start in on the brown rice, Maddie? 

MADDIE: Certainly. Very similar to the kidney beans, I am using half a cup of brown rice. One thing I've noticed about cooking this particular rice is that although the back of the bag says that there is a simple one-to-two ratio of rice to water, it actually takes a lot more water than that to make this rice not burn and/or remain hard to the tooth. 

ELAINE: The backs of cans and bags are often just guidelines towards getting a passable product. Always feel free to deviate or explore. After all, every meal could be your last. 

MADDIE: Very true. So I'm adding half a cup of rice and one and a third of a cup of water to this pot. 

[RICE AND WATER POUR INTO POT] 

ELAINE: Good for you, Maddie. 

MADDIE: And then I set this to a medium heat and we just wait about twenty to thirty minutes.

ELAINE: Well, I'd love to pause for a break from our sponsors, but it appears that we're all tapped out on those for now. If you'd like to sponsor the show, please email me at ElaineMartinezDDS@LADentalCare.org. That's E-L-A-I-N-E...like "Elaine." M-A-R-T-I-N-E-Z-D-D-S. The "at" symbol. And then L-A-D-E-N-T-A-L-C- A-R-E followed by dot-org. I've found the dot-org part is absolutely necessary for emails. I used to think it was like the "w-w- w" thing that you could basically skip and still get the results you wanted. Not so with emails and dot- orgs. 

MADDIE: True...Has it been twenty minutes yet? 

ELAINE: No. Would you like to tell the audience where they can find out a little more about you? Any social media platforms you are active on? 

MADDIE: I go on Facebook a lot. I find it enjoyable to catch up on some national disasters, check out some silly dog memes, and learn about the more trivial daily details of my friends and acquaintances that are still alive. Facebook ties those things together nicely, I think. 

ELAINE: I agree. Even though it often lays bare the gasping canyon of frivolity we are all swirling around in, I find it comforting that we are all swirling together. Am I getting too sentimental? 

MADDIE: Um...I don't think so.

ELAINE: When you consider the miraculous unlikelihood that we should exist at all, that in our immediate solar system, the Earth is the only planet with survivable temperatures during both day and night, and that the entirety of human existence on this anomaly planet is, when compared to the lifespan of one healthy individual, far shorter than even a normal-sized breath...well, it's comforting to know I'm not the only one squandering it on Facebook. 

MADDIE: Let's check in on this rice! The water has parted the rice very delicately over the hottest parts of this pot. 

ELAINE: I always enjoy the way that looks. 

MADDIE: It appears that there is still plenty of water that needs to steam out. But unlike beans, I don't mind extra al dente rice. Plus, I'm pretty hungry, aren't you? 

ELAINE: Truly. Shall we slough off a little of that extra water and plate our dish? 

MADDIE: Elaine, you read my mind exactly. I'm going to turn my mic away for this part, this is very hot--eesh. Oof. Okay. I think we're ready to plate!

ELAINE: I've brought two big mugs from home. Mine has a big letter "A" with some pink flowers painted on it, looks like. 

MADDIE: And this one has like a little elephant kind of built out of the mug itself, and the handle is--oh I wish the listener could see this-- the handle itself is the trunk of the elephant. 

ELAINE: I was hoping you'd enjoy that. 

MADDIE: Now, normally I'll have a bowl as well as an empty plastic sour cream container set out, dividing half for now and half for lunch tomorrow. But I'm happy to share this dish with you, Elaine. 

ELAINE: I really appreciate that. As I'm sure you know, I am under crushing federally-owned debt accrued in pursuit of my DDS, which means I have to mail a fraction of my rations to my senator. And ever since the postal service went, if you'll forgive the pun, postal... 

MADDIE: Say no more. This is why community is important, and why another coup is inevitable.  So on top of that rice--oops, you got a little extra water from the pot there. 

ELAINE: That's fine. Hydration is both important and mildly filling. 

MADDIE: We'll just add these beans that have been cooling off on the counter. 

ELAINE: Well, the hot rice kind of warms them up, I'll bet.

MADDIE: Exactly. Now we just stir this dish up and dig in! 

[FORKS, CERAMICS SCRAPING] 

ELAINE: Wow. The textures going on here are quite nice. We knew that the rice would be a touch undercooked, but I don't even mind. 

MADDIE: Right. Cooking, not unlike life, is mostly about setting your expectations appropriately. 

ELAINE: The kidney beans are very soft and delicious. I think if I added a bit of salt, it would be a very satisfying dish. As it is, what we've created here is approximately 20% of our daily caloric content. 

MADDIE: Just enough to not go to bed hungry. 

ELAINE: Simple and sufficient. What more could you need? Well, allow me to thank you for your time and efforts here today, Maddie. 

MADDIE: It was my pleasure and literally what I would have done at home anyway. 

ELAINE: This is the part of the show where we must part ways, potentially forever. 

MADDIE: Aw, well thank you for-- 

ELAINE: Yes, the moment you leave my line of sight is the moment I stop being certain that you are alive and, from what I can tell, not crying. I would like to give you a hug so that I may feel that nothing has been left unresolved and that if you do die when I'm not looking, I can remember that we left on such terms that you were willing to press your body against mine for a moment. Do you consent to a hug? 

MADDIE: Um... sure. 

[CHAIRS SHUFFLE]

ELAINE: Mm. 

MADDIE: Okay. Bye. 

[APPLAUSE] 

MADDIE (CONT’D): Um...do you still want a ride home or...? 

ELAINE: Yeah, just sit over there and be quiet for a couple more minutes. 

MADDIE: Okay. 

ELAINE: This has been Elaine's Cooking Podcast for the Soul. If you would like to try this recipe at home, please be prepared to speak with my lawyer. All recipes found here will be rigorously copyrighted and available for purchase and subsequent use by emailing me at ElaineMartinezDDS@LADentalCare.org. That's E-L-A-I-N-E...like "Elaine." M-A-R-T-I-N-E-Z-D-D-S. The "at" symbol. And then L-A-D-E-N-T-A-L-C- A-R-E followed by dot-org. Do not forget the dot-org, or I will not receive that message and you will be liable for plagiarism, which The State takes very seriously as you all know. Thank you to The State for their informative and mandatory advertisement mid-episode, and to LA Dental Care for their low-grade security and presumed support for the podcast. This is Elaine Martínez, not crying, hugging you goodnight. 

[OUTRO MUSIC] 

END OF ACT II