#anyway growing up being gay was one of the reasons i felt most isolated

[god-must-be-doing-cocaine]

So I’ve been looking up media analysis of “pick me” girls and what they are and how they operate because I know I used to be one and I’m not a pick me anymore but I need to get these thoughts out somewhere and I need somebody to see what I’m thinking and just help me out a little bit

Fair warning: this post is gonna be all over the place, so I apologize if anything feels out of order

Recently I was talking to a coworker of mine. Now I don’t have any close friends mainly because I don’t know how to make friends. For most of my life I was (unwillingly) isolated from people my own age. My parents were very conservative and republican (but not religious) and my mother homeschooled me and my siblings for most of our childhoods and that has caused a lot of my mental health issues and self esteem issues especially when it comes to making friends and grappling with hanging out or working with people my own age. And I made a comment to him (because I mainly laugh and joke with him and another boy at work) “you and so and so make me look like a pick me girl because you’re the only people I laugh with” and he said “you are”. I disagreed but it didn’t sit right with me.

I have 5 older siblings. My 2 oldest are my two older sisters who moved out when I was around ten and because of the age gap we were never really close. So in my earlier years I grew up with three older brothers, a stepfather and a mother who was not at all a good example of femininity because she was a “pick me” herself. It was a conservative and misogynistic household (we also moved around the country a lot, hence another reason I was so isolated). I also have two younger siblings both of which are around a decade younger than me, so there’s an age gap there as well.

The thing is, I’m used to boys. Specifically immature boys with a gross sense of humor because they remind me of my brothers (but without the childhood trauma and pain my brothers inflicted on me with their ignorance and misogyny). I never knew how to truly be close to girls. I have had girl friends and I have been able to have close female friendships for a time. But I haven’t had an actual female friendship in years because I was homeschooled in my last years in high school and I suck at keeping in touch with people, so I don’t talk to anyone from high school except for one girl who was my best friend at the time, however we are not as close as we used to be. I’ve never felt feminine enough for girls because I didn’t get my nails done, I wasn’t that good with makeup (my face doesn’t allow it but I still love makeup), I’m not conventionally attractive and I wasn’t into anything overly girly (all of which definitely contributed to my years of being an actual pick me). But I wasn’t masculine enough for the typical archetype and for boys either. I’ve always thought sports were boring as fuck, I didn’t care for most action movies, although I’ve always loved marvel and dc and anything “nerdy”. I didn’t care for video games other than Minecraft. I also didn’t realize I was bisexual until I was 15 years old. Growing up in a conservative household where gay people were seen as “less than”, It wasn’t at all an option- especially to little emotionally neglected me who just wanted to feel included in her own family.

These are the issues I’ve felt with in regards to my gender. Not feminine (or masculine) enough for girls, and not masculine (or feminine) enough for boys. It doesn’t help that being raised to think of girls as competition and then knowing that you’re ugly so it’s a losing competition anyway, doesn’t help. Funny thing is I never wanted all boys attention. At the time I had only wanted one boys attention. But that doesn’t matter now.

So at my current job (unlike my last job), I actually get to work with more women and girls closer to my age because there’s more girls than boys that work there.

My problem is that I have no idea how to be friends with anyone. I don’t hang out with anyone outside of work (I have no idea how to initiate hanging out or to even hang out without a purpose anymore) and no one has invited me to hang out with them. There are probably several reasons as to why that is regarding other people’s personal lives and it’s hard to remember that it’s not always about me. I’ve been alone so long and I live in my own little world so I try my best not to take things personally, but my desperation for friendship still likes to show itself and I don’t notice it until I embarrass myself in some way shape or form. Like the other day, when I heard people laughing at work and when I tried to involve myself this girl practically yelled at me and said something along the lines of “girl this doesn’t involve you go away”. Which, fair enough. I wasn’t invited. But it was still humiliating when I laughed it off with the two boys (the same ones I joke with a lot). But what really hurt was when two seconds later she looked at everyone around her and said “what? She ALWAYS butts in!”

When she said that I was embarrassed, but mostly I felt guilty. I already knew this girl doesn’t really like me and she thinks I’m annoying but sometimes she is nice to me. Sometimes her and I do have fun and I can forget how mean she can be. And I can’t help but want to be her friend too most of the time. I was silent the rest of my shift. Thinking about it, I realized that I’m slowly becoming my mother. So desperate for connection I forget about social codes and try to include myself, forcing myself in by way of a joke or a laugh. And that’s where my guilt comes from. Guilty for trying to be a part of something (anything) that at least one person always doesn’t want me to be a part of. Hell, it’s the guilt from being born that my mother passed on to me.

So because of my gender, because of the way I experience femininity and masculinity and how I don’t know how to balance the two. Because I have no idea how to be friends with people, especially women regardless of how much I’d love a female friend. I don’t feel good enough for women, or most men for that matter. Because I only know how to feel “comfortable” in a way that makes me laugh around boys I wonder if I still am a pick me, or if I’m just an insanely lonely creature of habit. I feel like I know the answer but when I try to word it or think of it my mind goes blank.

I’m well aware that by sharing all of this I am opening myself up to criticism and judgement from anyone who reads this. I don’t expect many people to see this or read it all the way through, but I would like some thoughts. Or advice. Or any confirmation that I’m not the only one who’s experienced this. I just need at least one witness to my existence. Nobody I know follows me on here or even knows I have tumblr, so worst case scenario is that I have to delete this post because of some comments 🤷‍♀️. So what do I have to lose by finally making some of my feelings and thoughts public? This way it’s more anonymous

For a long time this loneliness was something I had to take pride in because if I didn’t I had to confront the realization that maybe no wanted me or wanted to be around me. But I’m getting too old for that and I’m tired. And the thought of being an actual pick me does scare me, because I’m also way too old for that. Hence why the topic triggers this thought process in me.

[macademmia]

The reason the owl house gives the typical cartoon message of “us weirdos have to stick together” substance is because the owl house has so many queer people in this essay i will-

[w2beastars]

Louis and Oguma: Numberless love

Oguma is extremely important in Louis life. Louis would have been someone’s appetizer if the sterile stag had not adopted him and shaped him into Sublime Beastar material.

But Oguma is socially awkward and is much better with numbers than he is with feelings. He made sure that Louis would study hard and learn to be well spoken despite being without a language till the age of five, but they never spent much time together. In fact, they only share a meal once a month since Oguma is a work-o-holic. Because of Oguma’s lifestyle, Louis felt unloved and isolated even though he admired his adopted father and wanted to be like him.

When Louis decided to drop out of school, he tried to make Oguma sign the leave form, first by claiming there was no actual relationship between them, then through force with a gun. Both times, Oguma calls his bluff. Because even though Oguma is not an emotional guy, he is a very smart one. Heck, he is basically a calculator made of flesh and fur. So he looks at his gangster son as a math problem to solve and crush the numbers to figure out what would happen if Louis against expectations would pull the trigger as well as what would be best for his son who needed to grow. Oguma challenge Louis threat by deciding he would be okay with the world assuming he had shot himself and not that Louis had murdered him and therefor calls Louis bluff by making a compromise. I see this as Oguma’s way of being concerned that Louis might be suspected of murdering his own father, which is actually touching that Oguma is more concerned about Louis’ fate than his own life. Anyways, Oguma refuses to sign the leave form before rewriting it so that it says that it is a temporary leave. Louis is annoyed by Oguma not taking him serious, but he doesn’t mind since all he has to do it NOT return to school.

So Oguma allows Louis to go join the Lion mobsters, hoping that Louis can work out whatever issues he has. And he is PARTLY right as living in the BAM was an educational experience and Louis did grow the hell up.

But Louis also lost a leg by letting Legosi eat it. How does Papa Stag react?

He lets Louis recover in a luxury hospital room and even tells him he has ordered a high quality prosthetic leg.

Interesting thing about how Oguma raised Louis is that he spends money on him no matter if he is pleased or displeased. Like when Louis was a child and failed getting a perfect score on his test, Oguma bought him an expensive bicycle, something that confused Louis.

There could be a couple of reasons to why Oguma did that. For example: Maybe he did it to comfort Louis who might feel down about not getting a perfect A+ as usual. Or perhaps it was to show him that Louis doesn’t have anything to prove, Oguma will still cherish and spoil him in his own way. Mayhaps he just did it to confuse him and keep him on his toes.

Or perhaps there is a reason so complex and well-calculated that we can’t figure it out.

First thing Oguma does once Louis is awake and somewhat recovered after the massive blood loss that was a result of getting his leg eaten is telling him that he made sure that everything is prepared for when Louis will take his test at Cherryton and then go to Galdona University.

And then he does something unexpected...

Oguma asks Louis if it was painful to lose his leg to a carnivore as he lovingly places a hand oh Louis head... while still having the same stone face that is impossible to read. Louis is dumbfounded(and kinda weirded out). Having had a pseudo father in Ibuki the Lion and experienced what it means to be cared for, Louis can finally see that his adopted father loves him, even if his way of showing this love is quirky as fuck.

Heck, Oguma even says that it is his fault for letting Louis go and live like a mobster at the BAM.

He does discipline him in a manner as he declares that Louis will not be allowed to go anywhere without a bodyguard, limiting his freedom. Something that actually makes Louis relived as he is now sure that his father is genuinely mad at him.

Louis and Oguma’s relationship becomes a bit more relaxed after that. Oguma becomes better at showing concern and his feelings for Louis, like when he buys a stun gun large enough to pacify an elephant and storms his room whenever Louis sounds like he is in trouble(most cases he just tripped because he has yet to get used to his new artificial foot). He even tries harder at understanding his adopted son and asked him if he is gay and assure him that it is not a problem if that’s the case.

When Oguma is about to die as a result of being hit by a car, Louis arrives and is told that the old stag is delirious and keeps mumbling numbers. But poor Oguma is not delirious at all. He is trying to figure out the value of his relationship with Louis. Being a businessman who gained his success though math, Oguma has always run the numbers on every single relationship he has to see if it was one that could somehow benefit him or his company.

But he can’t do the math on Louis. It is simply impossible for the calculator with antlers to put a number on it. And even though it is one of the stranger things Louis has heard his father say, he still appreciate the statement of affection from Oguma, that he makes it clear that he loves him so much that logic is not a factor.

After hugging Louis for the last and probably first time, Oguma dies. And Louis now knows for sure that he will run his father’s company and make the world a better place, just like Oguma predicted he would.

[baya-ni]

The Queer Appeal of Sk8

Recently @mulberrymelancholy reblogged a post of mine with a truly galaxy brain take about how Sk8 “is a show made for queer fans” and generally how sports anime often depicts love and relationships in a way that’s more accessible and relatable to ace/arospec people than other mainstream media does.

Just, *chef’s kiss* fucking brilliant. I urge you to read their post here (note I’m referring to the reblog not the actual post).

And basically, it got me thinking about this concept of Sk8 as a Queer Show, and the kinds of stories and dynamics that tend to attract queer audiences in droves, regardless of whether its queerness is made explicit or hell, whether that queerness was intended.

And that’s what I’ve been pondering: What are the cues, markers, or coding, in Sk8 that set off the community’s collective gaydar?

I obviously can’t speak for the community. So here’s what aspects of the show intrigued me and what, for me, marks Sk8 as a Queer Show beyond the subtextual queer romances: a punk/alternative aesthetic, Found Family, Shadow as a drag persona, and The Hands.

1.) The Punk Aesthetic

All three of the above screenshots are taken from Ep 1, and every single one of them depicts background characters. They’re nameless and ultimately unimportant characters, yet each of them designed so distinctly and so unique from one another, one could mistake each of them for the main character(s) of another story.

Of what little I know about Punk subculture, I do know this: that the ethos of Punk is heavily built around a celebration of individuality and non-conformity. Sk8 seems to have incorporated this ethos into the very fabric its worldbuilding, and the aesthetics and culture upon which it takes inspiration appeals specifically to a queer audience.

I don’t really need to explain why Punk has such deep ties with the queer community. For decades, queer people have found community and acceptance within punk spaces, and punk ideology is something that I think is just ingrained in the queer consciousness as both lived experience and a survival tactic.

Therefore, a show that adopts punk aesthetics is, by association, already paying homage to Queer culture, intentional or not.

Queer fans notice this- like recognizes like.

2.) Found Family

This also needs little explanation.

Too often, queer individuals cannot rely on their “born into” families for support and acceptance. Too often, we are abused, neglected, and abandoned by those who we were taught would “always be there for us.”

And so, a universal experience for queer people has been redefining the meaning of Family, having to build our families from scratch, finding brothers, sisters, mothers, and fathers in people with whom we have no blood relation, and forming communities tied together by shared lived experience rather than shared genetics.

And this idea of Found Family is also built into Sk8′s narrative.

Like, for example, the way that Reki promises MIYA that he and Langa will “never disappear from [his] sight,” filling the void that MIYA felt after his friends abandoned him.

And in the way that JOE becomes a paternal figure for Reki, teaching him ways to improve in skateboarding, and ensuring that Reki doesn’t self isolate when he’s feeling insecure.

And in the whole Ep 6 business with Hiromi acting as babysitter to the Gang.

Hell, even ADAM (derogatory) is associated with this trope. Abused as a child, he finds solace in an underground skateboarding community and culture he helped create- his own found family (or some powertrippy version of it anyway).

Again, queer fans see themselves depicted in the show, but this time in the way that the show gives importance to Found Family relationships between its characters.

3.) Shadow and Drag

This is one that’s more of an association that I personally made. But I was intrigued by the way that Hiromi adopts his SHADOW persona. He wears SHADOW like a mask, and adopts a personality seemingly so opposite to his day-to-day behavior.

Further, the theatricality and general “gender fuckery” of his SHADOW persona, to me, just seemed so similar to a the characteristics of a drag persona (I don’t know a whole lot about drag but enough that I’m drawing superficial similarities).

There’s also this aspect of a “double life” that he, and actually all the other adult characters of the show, have to adopt, which is a way of living that I’m sure a lot of queer viewers see themselves reflected in.

4.) The Hands

Ohhhh the Hands.

One of the things I noticed very early on is the way the show constantly draws our attention to Reki’s hands, which I thought was a little strange for an anime about skating. After all, skating doesn’t really involve the hands, or at least the show doesn’t really draw attention to hands within the context of skating.

I count 3 times so far between Eps 1-9 in which hands are the focus of the frame.

First, when Reki teaches Langa how to fist pump after Langa lands his first ollie, second, when Reki and Langa make their Promise, and finally, when Langa saves Reki from falling off his board.

And you know what they say, twice is a coincidence but thrice is a motif (no one else actually says this I think I’m the only one who says this lol).

I’m not really certain why hands seem to be such a shared fixation among queer people (at least among those I interact with). All I know is that gay people are just fucking obsessed with them.

I have a Theory as to why, and at this point I’d love for other people to chime in and “compare notes” if you will, but I think it basically has to do with repression. And in the same way that queer people have had to redefine the meaning of family, we’ve also had to redefine intimacy.

Being overtly physically affectionate with someone of the same sex, even if they’re your significant other, or often specifically BECAUSE they’re your significant other, can still be dangerous, even now despite the “progression” of society. Queer people know this, this vigilant surveillance of our environment and ourselves, always asking ourselves, “Am I safe enough to be myself?”

Already, Western culture is pretty touch-averse. That is, it’s considered taboo to touch someone unless they’re a family member or a romantic partner. And to touch a person of the same sex in any way that could be misconstrued as romantic (which is most things tbh) is a big no no.

There’s just A Lot to unpack there.

But basically I think that queer people, by necessity, have had to learn to romanticize mundane or unconventional ways of being physically intimate so that we can continue to be romantic with one another without “being caught” so to speak.

Kissing and hugging is too obvious. But a handshake that lingers for just a second too long is much more likely to go unnoticed, braiding someone’s hair can easily be explained away as just lending a helping hand, touching palms to “compare hand sizes” is just good fun.

But for queer people, these brief and seemingly insignificant touches hold greater meaning, because it’s all we are allowed, and all we allow ourselves, to exchange with others.

God, I’ve gone off and rambled again. What’s my point? Basically that the way the show draws attention to Reki’s hands, and specifically how they’re so often framed with Langa’s hands, is one of the major reasons why I clocked Sk8 as a Queer. It’s just something that resonated with me and my own experience of queerness, and I know that I’m not the only one who noticed either.

~

So in conclusion, uhhhh yeah Sk8 the Infinity is just a super gay show, and it’s not even because of the homo-romantic subtext (that at this point is really just Text).

Because what’s important to understand is that Queerness isn’t just about same-sex romance.

Queer Love isn’t just shared between wives/girlfriends, husbands/boyfriends, and all their in-betweens. Queer Love can be two best friends who come out together, queer siblings who rely and support one another, a gay teacher who helps guide one of their questioning students, a queer community pitching in to help a struggling member.

And that all ties with another important thing to consider, that what we refer to as the “queer experience” or “queer culture” isn’t universal. In fact, it wrongly lumps together the unique experiences and struggles of queer BIPOC all under one umbrella that’s primary White and middle class.

So I think what drives a lot of my frustration about labeling a show like Sk8 as Queerbait is this very issue of considering queerness and queer representation within such narrow standards, and mandating that a show must pass a certain threshold of explicit queerness to be considered good representation.

I get that someone might only feel represented by an indisputable canonization of a same-sex couple. That’s fine. But labeling Sk8 as Queerbait for that reason alone ignores the vast array of other queer experiences.

The aspects of Sk8 that resonate most deeply with my own experiences of queerness is in the way that Reki and Langa share intimacy through skating (intricate rituals heyo). For me, them officially getting together ultimately doesn’t matter- I’ll consider Sk8 a Queer show regardless.

Similarly, @mulberrymelancholy​ finds ace/arospec representation in that very absence of an on-screen kiss. A bisexual man might find representation in Reki, not because he enters a canon relationship, but in the depiction of Reki’s coming of age, growing up and navigating adolescent relationships. A non-binary person might feel represented through CHERRY’s androgyny.

That’s the thing, I don’t know how this show will resonate with other members of the queer community, and it’d be wrong to make a judgement on Sk8′s queer representation based on my experiences alone.

That being said, Straight people definitely don’t get to judge Sk8 as Queerbait. Y’all can watch and enjoy the show, we WANT you to enjoy these kinds of shows, and we want you to share these shows and contribute to the normalization and celebration of these kinds of narratives.

But understand that you don’t have a right to tell us whether or not Sk8 has good or bad queer representation.

And even members of the queer community are on thin ice. Your experience of queerness is not universal. Listen to the other members of your community, and respect that what you might find lacking in this show may be the exact representation that someone else needs.

[sunmoontruth-stiles]

Ok this is gonna be long. I’ve literally been slowly working on this for… too long. I’m just in a mood to have a long discussion about ships. I’ll be looking at canon and not, so bare with me. I don’t ship all of these personally. I’m mostly just picking the most popular ones. I chose to leave out a few that I just don’t want to talk about. I tried to keep this loosely chronological, but that quickly went to hell. None of this is meant to be hate towards anyone’s ship, just my personal opinions on each of them.

Canon:

Scott x Allison: True Classic

Scallison is so sweet as it is truly the epitome of young love. Romeo and Juliet, except Romeo is even more of an idiot and Juliet is a badass who dies for a cause. They’re moral and ethical codes are both highly valued by themselves, even if they don’t align with others very often. They loved with everything they had. They were beautiful. We’re they soulmates in the end, or just the first love who will always hold a special place in your heart? Who knows, but I’ll always love these immature kids who thought their love could change everything.

Stiles x Lydia: The Long Awaited

Stydia is as slow burn as you can get. Unfortunately their actual getting together was slightly rushed in my opinion. They didn’t have time to find their own as a couple because Stiles just wasn’t in the show enough at that point. I know the reasons behind it, but it did leave this couple at an awkward stage of official-but-not-shown. The idea that Stiles loved her as a kid, immature and infatuated, and he saw her for who she really was, will always be cute. Then they grew, changed, became friends, and found other people. Them finding each other later on, having real love that’s developed slowly, is a wonderful arc. Though, a part of me will always believe they should have pursued other story lines in the wake of Stiles’ absence from the plot. They’re finally together! …but we don’t get to see it.

Jackson x Lydia: The Image

Oh Jackson and Lydia. Honestly, I love them. Their connection at a time in their lives when they couldn’t open up to anyone else, just hits me right in the feels. I mean, god that HUG. You know the one. Always brings me to tears. I’m so sad their relationship was almost entirely depicted during Jackson’s kanima time when he couldn’t think nor truly act for himself. Those small moments of scared vulnerability when he wanted to protect her from himself… I’ll miss these two. They deserved to find other people and remain life-long friends. I loved their moment in the last episode. I wish they’d gotten to see each other grow. Also they had such bixbi solidarity vibes, and I’ll die on that hill.

Scott x Lydia: Leaders

Ok, I’m gonna be honest here. I ship it. The power couple they would have been?? Also them coming together after they lost Allison would have actually made sense. A part of me kinda wishes the writers had moved on from Stydia as a romantic relationship and leaned into them growing as friends and Stiles moving on from his childhood crush. Scott and Lydia actually would have had good chemistry. They were both very headstrong heroic types, but Lydia would have balanced Scott out well intellectually. They had the history, and I think it could had worked if they wrote it right. Plus, Scott and Lydia would have been a better endgame that Scalia.

Scott x Kira: New Beginnings

These two were adorable. Kira was a badass, don’t get me wrong, but she let herself be soft in a way Allison was always afraid to. This couple was truly Baby. Absolute dorks. I can definitely see the lasting quality between the two of them. They saw things very similarly, and had a ton in common. I do think Kira deserves more characterization outside of their relationship, like more of her friendship with Malia. Overall, her departure from the show will always be sad to me. It was bad writing. Scott was over her far too quickly.

Aiden x Lydia: Pretty People Herd

I honestly didn’t see much between these two other than mutual attraction. The best thing to come out of this relationship was Lydia’s line, “You’re not just a bad boy, Aiden. You’re a bad guy. And I don’t want to be with the bad guys.” Good character development moment.

Ethan x Danny: Step to Redemption

Danny really was the thing that made Ethan look outside of the pack for what he really wanted out of life. They had a few cute scenes. Gotta love Danny’s final remarks, “Dude, it’s Beacon Hills.”

Allison x Isaac: Unexpected Rebound

Ok, I like these two. Isaac could match Allison’s snark in a way Scott couldn’t. They both fought the progression of the relationship slightly. They didn’t expect to fall for each other. They were less willing to let someone in close. I’d love to have seen more… but unfortunately their time was limited. On a side note, sometimes their relationship did feel like ‘we both are in love with the same guy, let’s cope with each other’, but I find that completely valid. I’ll talk about Scallisaac later though.

Stiles x Malia: Anchors

Ok but, them <3 I love what they did for each other. Stiles was able to help Malia connect to her humanity and other people. He never tried to isolate her in their relationship and encouraged her growth. Malia offered Stiles the emotional support he never asked for. She defended him, fought for him, and loved him fiercely. Stiles needed that so much after season 3. I think they were a love that wasn’t meant to last, but the impact of it was forever. I wish we’d gotten to see a real end for them where they agreed that they needed to grow as individuals but would always still care.

Liam x Hayden: Three’s a Pattern

These two’s characterization stopped whenever they had storylines together. Their relationship was built on Scallison references. Hayden’s character could have been interesting, but they never really gave her a moment to shine. Liam has the worst plots when they revolved around her. Cute couple, poor writing.

Derek x Braeden: Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girl Boss

Derek deserves to be happy so much. Kate and Jennifer were just... jeez. Him and Braeden were cute and deserved more screen time. I think her intensity allowed for Derek to let go of control a bit more comfortably. Let Derek Be Soft. Anyway, love them.

Corey x Mason: Gotta Have That Rep TM

These two could have been cute if they were shown for more than two seconds at a time. I highkey forget Corey even existed all the time. Kinda just felt like a relationship to fill TW’s gay quota.

Jackson x Ethan: The Callback

Honestly? Loved them. Loved the chemistry. Loved the dynamic. Best twist. I know it was probably written in like that because Colton came out during his time away from the show, but it absolutely fit his character. Jethan is top tier.

Melissa x Chris: BAMF Parent Duo

Ok, so like, Melissa deserved this plot. She deserved someone to care about her. However... what the hell? Chris? In canon, his wife died like 2-ish years prior? His daughter died 1 year prior?? Is Chris really in a position to pursue a new relationship?? Also, like, Scott and Allison dated and loved each other up to her death. Kinda weird to have their parents hook up. I don’t hate it, but I don’t ship it…?

Scott x Malia: Lead up? What’s lead up?

These two came out of nowhere I stg. Like, 6B really tried to tell us this was something that had been slowly developing in the background? Also, I understand that they are their own people, adults, and completely in charge of their own romantic pursuits: but did Scott seriously never call Stiles? Like, Malia wasn’t just his first girlfriend. She was his first. Like, dude that’s your best friend?? Not even a head’s up? No, ‘hey would this bother you?’ Oof. Plus Malia was way too chaotic for Scott. She existed in gray morality that always prioritized her immediate circle, and Scott was a very black/white type of heroism. I just didn’t feel like they fit.

Non-Canon:

Scott x Stiles: Childhood Best Friends

Ya, sorry, I don’t ship Sciles at all. I get it. Like, I totally understand the ship, and I mean no judgment at all. I just see them as friends. I really value good male friendships in media because I feel like we don’t get enough, and I always liked these two.

Stiles x Derek: Enemies to Lovers. 100k. Angst. Hurt/Comfort.

God these two really are what fanfiction was made for. I could write a much longer discussion about Sterek, and I probably will eventually. I’ll try to keep this brief. These two weren’t always on the same side, but their approach was the same. They were very similar at their core. Plus, wow the chemistry. This should have been canon. Jeff’s a coward.

Allison x Lydia: Powerful.

This ship is so great. They really had a great dynamic, and a romantic plot would have easily fit the established narrative. Lydia’s confidence in herself and Allison’s confidence in her own abilities crossing over to each other because that’s what the other lacked? Iconic.

Danny x Jackson: He Gets Him

Danny really saw Jackson for everything he was and still cared. I wished we’d gotten to see more of them. I  want more background with Jackson’s eventual coming out and his friendship with Danny. Like, they ended up dating the same guy. What did Ethan have to say about that??

Stiles x Jackson: Bastards

Ok these two had a super fun dynamic. The asshole-energy between them was, great. The snark was always so entertaining.

Melissa x Noah: Family

How were these two not endgame? Their sons were practically brothers already. They had amazing chemistry. The flirting? Not to mention, their timeline would have made way more sense. Missed opportunity.

Chris x Peter: The Opposite of Love is Indifference, Not Hate

Ok so like, this was definitely one of those ships that I had absolutely no knowledge of before I was pretty into the fandom. Like, this was not something I would have guessed just after watching the show. That being said; my god the chaos alone…

Scott x Isaac: The Disaster Duo

Okay ya I love these two. Two dumb asses who act like idiot puppies. Such a fun dynamic. Plus?? Chemistry??? Hellooo

Scott x Allison x Isaac: Three Heads Are Better Than One

This ship is definitely one of my personal favorites. I very rarely poly-ship. I just feel like most of them are just love triangles with an ‘easy solution’, when two of them have no real connection. That is so not the case here. I feel like all of them have such great chemistry with each other. They also have a great dynamic as a group. Season 3A was really just Scallisaac rights.

Stiles x Isaac: I Hate You, jk…Not Really

Ok I loved their banter, but I really just don’t see this ship. Idk, I don’t personally ship it. Would have loved to see their friendship develop more tho.

Erica x Allison: Duo that would stab you with a stiletto

I don’t ship it, but I do wish we’d seen them become friends. I feel like they had a very artificial ‘girls fighting over a boy’ dynamic? They could have been such a badass duo.

Stiles x Erica: Batman x Catwoman

Ok I’m not sure exactly how to express my feelings for these two so bare with me. OMG I love their dynamic so much, and they are sooo cute. Their energy? Amazing. Chemistry? Great. History? It’s there and has so much potential. 10/10. Love them. But, no, I don’t ship it lol. Just really love their friendship, but with the underlying history of crushes.

Boyd x Erica: Was This Not Canon?

How can anyone not love Berica? Ugh they are adorable. These two deserved so much better.

Boyd x Cora: Survivors

Honestly I don’t really see it? Like they definitely had a connection, but it never felt romantic. I really feel like they just had to lean on each other and bond to make it through captivity, and it just lasted.

Boyd x Erica x Cora: The Pack

I literally learned this was a ship a couple days ago. Similar feelings towards this as Bora, but with the added hesitancy of we never actually saw Erica and Cora interact.

Cora x Stiles: Slow Build Up

These two were clearing being lined up to be a thing before Cora ended up leaving. I can’t say I’m disappointed they never happened. Kinda felt like they just wanted to straight-code Sterek.

Cora x Lydia: Mean Lesbians

Not much interaction to actually go off of, but yes I 100% support. They have very different approaches to problems, which is fun. Very ‘opposites attract’.

Malia x Kira: “Maybe you could date the coyote?”

Another one of my favorites!! They really complimented each other. Also, how full circle would they have been? They were introduced in back-to-back episodes. Malia stalking her as a coyote? The line from Kira’s dad about dating it? It would have been so funny if that ended up happening.

Malia x Lydia: Beauty and the Beast, but make it wlw

These two were fun. I liked their friendship, but I don’t really ship it. Though, rip Stiles that would have been hilarious.

Parrish x Lydia: The Cop and The Minor

Must I say more? Like, Parrish’s character, so sweet and big rule follower, did not make sense for what went down with Lydia. I love Parrish, but the dynamic just felt off. It didn’t feel consistent with the rest of his characterization.

Parrish x Stiles: The Cop and The Minor, but gay?

Ok, same reasoning as above, but also they had absolutely no connection romantically.

Scott x Theo / Stiles x Theo: Sometimes The Villain is Hot

Ok I’ve put these together because I have the same opinion for both. I don’t ship it. Neither had any rebuilding of trust, and Theo really hurt both of them. I just don’t really think they work.

Mason x Liam: Sciles Puppy Pack Edition

Similar to my feeling about Sciles, I just don’t ship these two. They had a good friendship, from the little we saw of it.

Theo x Liam: Anchors 2: Electric Boogaloo

Another personal favorite! I really don’t even understand why this didn’t go canon?? The elevator scene was just, so intense. They helped each other grow in 6B, and I really loved their dynamic. They should have hooked up.

Honorable Mention?: 

Parrish x Laura: What’s canon?

I’ve seen this in fanfic a lot, and I actually really like it lol. I thought I’d add it in here because I do love the creativity of fandoms.

[nothorses]

hey sorry if it comes off as weird, but i'm a bit desperate. i had a real bad time figuring out my identity growing up and for like, the past 4~5 years i've become really comfortable and happy whenever i referred and thought of myself as a gay nb trans man; i experience legit gender euphoria whenever ppl address or acknowledge me as such, and the most connection i feel is to gay/bi men/men-aligned ppl. that said, i've struggled with obsessive/intrusive thoughts since i'm like, 12~13 due to (1/?)

a phobia, and they often appeared when i was already feeling low/stressed/anxious over unrelated stuff. y'know when you're having a good time and suddenly your brain goes 'oh hey, remember that thing you have doubts about and makes you distressed? and you think it's not true? well, here it is again (: you're welcome!'. that's it.

so social isolation due to the pandemic has taken a toll on my mental health and recently i have been... struggling a lot not only with dysphoria (i was supposed to start hrt last year but it was postponed due to, well), but also with obtrusive/intrusive thoughts over 'how i'm faking it, i am actually a cis lesbian' (i never felt attracted truly to women, even tho i had kissed two before, and i am Positively attracted to men in a way i can only describe as 'gay').

it has gotten to a point where i cannot think about, y'know, woman characters from stuff i like that i feel like this is somehow a sign i'm actually a lesbian; i have been dreaming a lot of situations i'm either framed as a lesbian or a straight girl, i have been hyperaware of how cis ppl perceive me (pre-transition, as 'girl') and obsessing over little shit like, if women are looking at me in certain ways when i have to go out (sometimes even 'wishing' it, as if it wanting to 'prove' anything).

i feel...... exhausted, none of these make me feel good, all of this makes me feel distressed. i get dreadful when i take 'lol ur lesbian' results at stupid internet quizzes too. i feel like i cannot talk to anyone about it bc i feel like they're gonna try to feed me either 'internalized lesbophobia' or terf rhetoric, which is smth im v aware of, and part of the reason i've been obsessing over as well.

i had mild doubts about stuff before (like if i was rly a binary trans guy or nb, or if i was bisexual) but none was... like this, y'know.  i was also dumb and read a bbc article about detransitioning ppl which opened with 'studies say most trans ppl dont doubt' etc. featuring two cis lesbians that detransitioned after entering a relationship with one another. i feel rly rly rly dreadful i wish i could go back to feeling like myself (gay and guy) like i did before.

i'm sorry for the longest fucking ask btw, and also, tumblr hadnt let me send the rest for like, Hours, i'm deeply sorry

[Edited for formatting]

I think a lot of this is very normal, especially for transmascs.

We’re constantly fed this idea that we can’t really trust our own perception of reality, that we don’t know ourselves as well as others do, and that the things we believe about ourselves are temporary, silly, and “signs” of some deeper reality that someone else knows for us. It’s only natural that we’d internalize some of those feelings, and struggle to trust even the most irrefutable evidence of our own realities.

If it helps to have some tools in those moments, a couple of reminders:

Cis girls do not typically dread the idea of being girls. They might dread the social repercussions or expectations, they might hate girls who look/act in certain ways, but they do not typically hate that they are girls.

If you are feeling dread over the idea that you might be attracted to women, you probably aren’t! It’s good to work on feeling more at peace with the possibility, because orientation can be very fluid for some folks, and being ready to accept yourself if things change takes a lot of pressure off- but if you don’t want to be with women, you just literally do not have to be with women. For any reason. Even if you are “secretly” attracted to them, if you don’t want to be with them anyway, you simply do not have to be.

Trans people experience doubt. We experience it all the time. We experience it pretty much endlessly! Maybe there are trans folks who never, ever doubt their genders, and I’m very happy for them; but that’s the exception, not the rule, in my experience. This study talks about the steps toward trans self-acceptance, and finds each step is an ongoing process, and often a back-and-forth. It was very comforting for me to recognize the patterns & know I’m not alone.

The focus on AFAB detransitioners is driven by transandrophobia. Because saving the “poor little girls” is a compelling motivator in a misogynistic society. Most detransitioners are actually folks who were AMAB, and found the societal pressure and backlash was too overwhelming, or made things too unsafe, for them to carry on with their transitions. Most detransitioners, period, are people who had to stop because of safety issues, or lack of access to their transition needs.

It’s very normal to go through periods of high doubt, and periods of high self-assuredness. You may just have to ride this out; surround yourself with as much support and love as you can, remind yourself that those fears aren’t really based in reality, and be kind to yourself during this difficult time. Try to make choices that prioritize your mental and emotional health.

You will get through this period of doubt, and come back to finding love and joy in your identity again! It might just take a little time & patience.

(Also no worries over the sending confusion; Tumblr’s a lil broken sometimes, and it’s genuinely not even remotely an issue.)

[trashmouthnerd]

Just dudes being dudes...

Fandom: Avatar, Zuko x Sokka

Summary: Inspired completely by @firebendcr “Zukka are the gay friends who constantly flirt “as a joke” but would say yes in a heartbeat if the other asked them out” Yes so he is the absolute genius that came up with this. Follow him please :)

A large, drawn out sigh escaped the not so new but still incredibly inexperienced fire lord. He ruled over the entire fire nation with confidence and grace but evidently could not face a social event with even a fraction of the same attitude.

"Relax would ya? The whole gang is going to be back together for the first time in a year. You should be excited" A familiar teasing came from Zuko's bed. Sokka had let himself in earlier this evening, already dressed in his best attire, and dropped theatrically on Zuko's freshly made bed.

"How can I relax? This outfit looks ridiculous Sokka, and what if they don't like me anymore? Spirits this is dreadful, maybe I can call it off-" Zuko rambled, hands patting down the red fabric frantically.

"Alright seriously, chill. They love you and you know it so shut up, and hey that outfit is barley different from your usual"

"It's tighter" Zuko complains. Sokka groans, pulling himself off the bed reluctantly to stand behind Zuko - who was glaring into the mirror as though he were waiting to grow a second head.

"Just shows of your rocking bod more" Sokka winks, slapping Zuko's ass playfully before turning his friend around and flattening the collar properly.

"Shut up, like you know what looking stupid feels like. You look ridiculously hot in anything it isn't fair" Zuko pouts, his head falling in defeat to rest on Sokka’s shoulder.

"Hey, that's just my natural charm, can't blame me for that" Sokka grins, it only widening as his remark earns a groan from Zuko.

"Seriously though, you look great alright? Now stop being such a baby" Sokka said, rolling his eyes when a glare was sent his way. Zuko made his way to the mirror once again, prepared to compulsively check over his appearance when a rather loud knock sounded at his door.

"What is it?" He called, making his way over to the doors, barley keeping himself from tripping over his robes when an excitable Sokka shoved ahead of him.

"Oh ambassador Sokka, please could you inform Fire Lord Zuko that the guests are arriving now" A soft voice came from the doorway and Sokka nodded his head triumphantly.

"You hear that Jerk-lord, party's starting" Sokka winked, grabbing Zuko's hand and dragging him out of the comfort and isolation of his room.

"Fantastic.." He muttered as he allowed himself to be pulled around corners and through hallways.

They reached the main hall moments later and were utterly flabbergasted at the outcome of the last few days. Rows of brightly lit lanterns were hanging from the ceiling, tables of the finest food lined the back walls. It was completely decorated with Fire Nation scrolls and paintings in any areas that might have looked uninviting had they not been there.

It all looked so official Zuko had to take a deep breath.

He never would've hosted a party if Sokka hadn't been so spirit damned adamant about it. But maybe it wouldn't be so bad after all...

Sokka smiled, nudging his friend before taking it all in himself. Crowds of people who were well aquatinted with each other were beginning to form in small circles. All sorts of people, there were friends from past adventures, officials of every kingdom and special guests Zuko had invited from the fire nation villages he'd visited.

"Will uncle be coming?" Zuko turned, his eyes trying to submerge the hope until he received an answer. Sokka smiled sympathetically.

"Not tonight, but in his letter to me he said.. never mind" Sokka stopped, his eyes widening as though he'd said something he wasn't supposed to.

"He said what, Sokka?" Zuko glared, staring ferociously to encourage an answer.

"Oh alright.. he's planning on surprising you this week but I wasn't supposed to say anything.." Sokka frowned, knowing he'd missed the chance to see the light in Zuko's eyes upon Iroh's sudden arrival.

Zuko smiled anyway, thankful he'd see his uncle again soon.

"Oh.. Well good, it's about time the old man visited"

"Sokka! Zuko!" A familiar voice called from the crowd. The pair turned to see three smiling faces running towards them at full speed. Aang got there first, nearly sweeping the two off their feet as he jumped into a sudden hug. Katara following soon after, engulfing them further into the warmth of their friends.

"Guess I'll join in on the sappy reunion too" Toph smirked, her arms wrapping around the group as her cheeks squished against Katara’s back.

"I missed you so much, even if you are a pain" Katara smiled to her brother warmly as Aang told Zuko a long winded tale of his adventures on the way to the fire nation.

"Ha ha, you too sis. Keeping this one in check isn't an easy job" Sokka sighed, punching Zuko in the arm playfully.

"Speaking of which, spirits look at you Zuko..." Katara started, looking him up and down.

"Yeah, tell me about it.. You look so.." Aang trailed off.

"Handsome? Hot? Flaming Hot?" Sokka rambled, doing his duty of helping his friend in finishing his sentence.

"I was going to say fancy" Aang laughed.

"You look the same to me" Toph shrugged. Sokka laughed, touching her arm gently. It felt nice, right, being all together again.

Hours passed and the party was still going strong. Sokka had eaten most of the buffet but everything else had gone according to plan. Zuko had met with a few officials to greet them, doing his absolute best to win them over.

Other than a few short conversations Zuko had spent the entire night in a spare room with his friends, sending Momo every now and then to retrieve some snacks - which never worked in their favour.

"So come on then Zuko, spill the beans" Toph teased but Zuko only raised a brow.

"Oh come on, you're telling me you're the Fire Lord and you haven't gotten any" She went on, her own brows furrowing together in disbelief.

"Huh? Oh no, I guess I haven't" He shrugged, it's not as though he'd really thought about. Yeah there's a few cute boys but he's busy enough ruling the fire nation and rebuilding what Ozai broke to think about dating.

And by a few cute boys he means that one cook that works mornings, the guy he met down the market place once, and his painfully perfect best friend.

"Lame" She finished, stretching her feet out onto the table.

"Why do I need a relationship when I've got hot stuff here to help with me everything anyway" Zuko smirked, eyeing the boy beside him mischievously.

"It's an honour, Fire-Jerk" Sokka smiled, biting his bottom lip suggestively while maintaining eye contact. The two were so absorbed in their teasing they failed to see the confused glances their friends were sharing.

"Get a room!" Katara said, turning her nose up in fake disgust.

"We have one" Sokka winked, Zuko seemed to have found this amusing as he nudged his shoulder against his friend’s, scoffing slightly.

"So have you two been like this since we left or...?" Aang asked, sitting forward as he snatched a carrot from the bowl in front of him. Tilting his head as he awaited the highly anticipated answer.

"What do you mean 'like this'?" Zuko asked, turning to Sokka for some sort of assistance.

"Acting like you're married" Katara provided to the dumbfounded idiots sitting directly ahead of her.

"Dunno what you're talking about sis, this is completely normal bro behaviour" Sokka shrugged, his hand resting on Zuko's thigh. Katara looked at said hand suspiciously and rolled her eyes.

"Yeah.. sure.. friends always flirt with each other non stop" She said sarcastically, eyeing her brother knowingly.

"Flirting? We are not flirting!" Zuko frowned, shoving the hand off of his thigh.

"Yeah! We always act like this!" Sokka added. Raising his hands to drive home his confusion.

"That's completely normal.. just guys being guys.. nothing romantic about it" Aang smiled, looking towards Katara in knowing agreement.

"Exactly!" Zuko shouted. Arms crossing over his chest in realising that touching Sokka right now was off the table, he didn't want his friends to be suspicious about nothing after all.

"So you're saying neither of you would go there with each other?" Toph smirked, knowing her question would give her plenty entertainment.

"Well-" They both said in unison. Sokka's eyes wide and Zuko's cheeks tinted red.

"You go first"

"No you”

"Fine. Well I'm a good friend you know, if my buddy here wanted to do something then who am I to decline the Fire Lord?" Sokka explained, shrugging as though he weren't declaring the tension between them was existent after all.

Zuko's eyes widened at his best friends confession. If he'd known that were the case then for what dumb reason weren't they doing that already?

"Yeah and I mean, have you seen those eyes? I'm not saying no to them" Zuko stated, grabbing Sokka’s chin, tilting it up with his finger as he smirked.

“You wanna go out with me? I wouldn’t mind giving you the pleasure of having such an incredibly good looking boyfriend” Sokka smiled, his eyes glinting as Zuko tilted his chin just a little further to kiss him with a warm smile.

"Idiots, the both of you" Katara shook her head, smiling as she watched Sokka throwing his arms around his totally platonic best friend, planting a soft kiss on his cheek.

[idio-cies]

JATP- Wake Up Dissection

“Wake Up” is structured like a conversation between Julie and her Mother. 

Not only did her Mother (I think we are all agreed on Rose here?) write it for her, knowing that Julie will have a tough time, but she left gaps for Julie to fill. Julie is Rose’s legacy, by Julie filling in the gaps, she is continuing the memory of her mother. This is what Julie realises; she can keep her mother “alive” with music- which figuratively is what Luke, Reggie and Alex experience, and also how Julie “awakens” them in the first place is by playing their music. Anyway. This is about JULIE.

Just a PSA. Wake up is the first song I listened to before I watched the show so I could see if I wanted to watch it or not. Madison absolutely blew me away with her vocals, she has that raw talent that you just can’t autotune to make it that way. That is what had me sold, along with the meaning of this song etc. The raw piano throughout this is one of the reasons why I love this song as well.

This song is so emotionally driven and deep. I have seen people compare it to Unsaid Emily. They do contrast, but mostly point out how Unsaid Emily is possibly more upsetting. Wake Up is emotional, because the journey Julie has in this one song counteracts the sadness, it is meant to make you feel warmer and happier because that is literally what it’s doing for Julie; it is revitalising her!

Anyway the song!

The feel of the keys- She does this in her audition as well, showing how emotionally painful it is.

The piano in this is just beautifully powerful, if you could imagine listening to this as an instrumental, you can almost imagine that the sun is rising… it starts off like nature is waking up, it really is special. Julie’s expressions are so key as well.

“Here’s the one thing that I want you to know, you got someplace to go”- this is her mum telling her that she has talent and that she can see her going far in this pursuit of music. Her Mum is giving her advice in this song. Julie is focused on her mother’s words

“Life’s a test, yes, but you go toe-to-toe”- This is pretty self-explanatory. You take life one step at a time, even if it is cumbersome. Julie smiles a little at this, it’s a little bit of rhetoric, as she knows life is tough. 

“You don’t give up, no, you grow”- Julie did give up, she was very close to giving up all together because it was too much for her. But Rose here is giving her that little extra push and love telling her that she will be alright and it’s all part of life. 

“And you use your pain, ‘cause it makes you you”- The expression “it's not what the pain is, it’s how you deal with it” comes into mind. How one responds to pain is what determines what type of person you are. Julie did run away from it, she wasn’t yet ready to face it and move forward. She was letting grief rule her, but Rose here is telling her that pain; adversity can be a blessing. It can make you stronger and brighter. Also look at Julie’s expressions here, she is thinking it over and considering them. She is listening and feeling her mother’s words

“Though I wish I could hold you through it”- This is where it is most prominent (other than the fact that Rose left this song for Julie in the first place) that they all knew her mother was going to pass away. So it was a terminal illness. She is sorry that she is going, but she is trying to give her life and a meaning to keep going in response, because she knows what talent Julie has, and knew how Julie would respond I imagine, hence why she left the song for her. Julie looks up at this point and this is where she chokes up a little. This phrase has a deep connection to when Julie is outside the Orpheum and asks for Rose to hold her and tell her everything will be okay.

“I know it’s not the same, you’ve got living to do, and I just want you to do it” I like how straightforward Rose is though. She knows that physically being there is what is wanted, but she is hoping to get Julie to realise that wallowing in her grief will not allow herself to live a good life that she is destined to have, which is what she needs. 

“So get up, get out, relight that spark.” - Julie suddenly becomes very serious and determined in this moment. She got the heartwarming speech, and now she is being told directly to literally “get up”. This just speaks a lot to me. I’m a lucky person who has a good relationship with my mum, I know not everyone does. But you know when you go through pitfalls throughout life, whether its a scrape of the knee when you’re young, a breakup or fallout, a depressive episode, or not knowing where life is headed for you and you just have a sob and  you wish for your mum (or dad) to be there to just give you a hug and give soothing words, then when you’ve calmed down they tell you that you can continue because they know you are capable, but they urge you on so you realise that for yourself. I can’t imagine losing that. My mum lost her mum last year. They had a rocky relationship to begin with, but ended up with a good relationship and ever since then I realised how much pain my mum must’ve been in, so I very much bawled at this song. 

That little soothing and then the short words of “get up, get out” is what Julie needed. Julie clearly had security from her parents, but she needed a bit more of a push. Interestingly the “soothing” words is the approach that her Dad tries and probably Mr. Turner, which she did not appreciate. Julie also pointed out how she felt everyone around her treated her life she was about to snap. They were being too soft on her, so this little push is what she needed.

“You know the rest by heart”- Rose knows Julie is talented, and that Julie will know what to do when she comes to it. This is the turning point.

“Wake up, wake up if it’s all you do”- I identify this as referring to depression, something that you will no doubt feel when a loved one passes away. Sometimes it’s very hard to just wake up and get out of bed, so the fact that Rose tells her to “wake up if it’s all you do” is something that speaks to me, and also links to when she was saying about taking things a step at a time. 

I need to go off a minute on the cinematography here! First we get the piano which is Julie’s instrument that she inherited(?) from her mother, and the fact that we see it in the dark, and as it progressively gets lighter is another symbol of saying “This is a reflection of Julie” and how the light is coming back into her. 

Then a totally different angle with the sun rising as it literally lights the room. Julie literally reawakens the room with her music. She brings life back into the room (remember when she talks to Emily about how magical and good the studio is). This angle as well makes it look like Julie is some kind of avenging angel. It is meant to isolate her, but it does the exact opposite. You have absolutely no feeling of isolation or sadness. If there was this angle at the beginning then yes it would, but the addition of the sun makes it warm and welcoming.

“It’s not what you lost, it’s what you’ll gain raising your voice to the rain”- It’s all about the strength that Julie will gain from her loss. “Raising your voice to the rain” Is such a beautiful line for many reasons. There is a metaphor of whatever Julie creates, is beautiful. I also interpret: Rain can be loud, and metaphorically speaking when you are “grey” or a “clouded mind” you are depressed and that can make your head feel loud and this line is saying to go above that. “Raising” as the sun is raising is very significant. It is “relighting” Julie and that she is the sun breaking through the “rain”. The Sunrise is also symbolic for new beginnings as well. But the rain can be a good thing; it means there is life and nourishment. Julie has found life to herself after the rain, as sun and water are needed in order for a plant to GROW. I mean the plants are literally all behind Julie...

Also I can’t help but think about how the sun and rain work together in this, and there are A LOT of rainbows in this show. I mean I know we have Alex, but there is only one around him and that’s his bracelet which is meant to tell us “This dude’s gay” the other rainbows are something else. 

“Wake up your dream and make it true”- telling her to re-establish her dream, and go for it.

“Look out, look inside of you”- repeat, but this is where we see Ray along with “It’s not what you lost” and I just love that they added her family in. Ray was the one who didn’t want to push her, but was always there to encourage and support her. I added this in with “It’s not what you lost” because I think you can also associate it to her family. He lost too and he was losing another part of Rose with Julie and the instruments and he didn’t want Julie to hurt anymore. He must’ve been so proud of her to just sit at that piano.

“Relight that spark, time to come out of the dark”- a variation of what Rose has already said to Julie, but really hammering home the constant symbolism of Julie being the “spark”. Again, I like how straightforward she is being “Time to come out of the dark”. It’s been a year at this time with Julie and she is at a crossroads, but the song isn’t pushing her so far, it’s literally just like giving her the matches and she’s the one that needs to take one out and light it. 

“Better wake those demons, better look them in the eye”- trample on those demons girl, you’ve got this. I can’t tell whether this is Julie, or Rose. I think it’s Julie considering the rest of the verse. This is ironic. You would expect demons to be “awake” at night, but this song is talking about coming out of the dark, so she is basically bringing light to her flaws/pain, not letting them haunt her and owning them.

“No reason not to try”- she shouldn’t hold herself back because there shouldn’t be anything hindering her. Look at her though! She is enjoying this so much.

“Life can be a mess, I won’t let it cloud my mind”- It is literally Julie’s response to what Rose was telling her about life being a test etc. Julie is embracing it now and she will stand up to fight.

“I’ll let my fingers fly”- I like this. Julie is linked to butterflies (another rebirth symbol), but also with music much of it comes from your fingers anyway by playing instruments or writing music etc., so I just thought this was cute.

“And I use the pain, ‘cause it’s part of me. And I’m ready to power through it”- again responding directly from what her mother told her to use the strength from pain as it makes her who she is. Also just look at how much power and emotion she is putting into these lyrics. She knows she is ready to go forward. She arrived at that herself, she could’ve stopped, or not responded, but she knows. 

“Gonna find the strength, find the melody. ‘Cause you showed me how to do it”- Her mother is within her, she is the one who taught her, but ultimately Julie will ride to her own beat, carrying the memory and legacy of her mother. 

Repeat of the chorus, but she looks up again on “you know the rest by heart”, however, this time it’s  as if she was saying thank you with power and strength under her belt. Julie completely gives herself over to the music as well

I also like that they included Carlos also admiring Julie, he clearly was also proud of her for picking up music again, and I just… I know there wasn’t terribly much with Julie and Carlos but it just shows you how much he looks up to her. Plus, this probably makes him reminisce about his mother in the best possible way as well. Carlos and Ray are kind of the same in this instance, though I would argue to say that Ray was more emotional, Carlos is just more content. 

“So wake that Spirit, spirit”- I do think this is ironic, because of the Phantoms, as well as it being Julie’s spirit inside of her. Julie did ignite the guys’ spirits, metaphorically and physically. Listening to their music is what brought them back, but their spirit for music and being able to connect was also reignited. I mean she literally rises up like a “spirit” in this moment...

“I wanna hear it, hear it” At this point Julie looks up, like she is singing so loud, she wants her mum to hear it. I think these are Rose’s words once again and is the reason Julie is belting up.

“No need to fear it, you’re not alone” Definitely Rose’s words, another reiteration of what has been said previously. Julie has always had the support of her family and Flynn, but she also now has the support of the guys who were the ones who also prodded her to reawakening her music (Luke says about how playing music made him feel alive again and any musician would revell in how it would feel to get it back. This is what gets Julie thinking and what she feels during this song), and literally supported her on stage for the sake of supporting her (see bright performance).

“You’re going to find your way home”- the reassurance of Rose’s words at the beginning after telling her to get up and get out there. There is also a safe space for her to reside

This moment is just so powerful, she has fully succumbed to the music. The sun behind her with the plants and the glass. I just can’t help but feel like this is a sense of refraction because of when I was talking about the rain and sun making rainbows, but anyway. This scene is just beautiful because you just know that they are telling us that she has awoken and that her voice is a gift. That Julie is the light shining as well. It changes angle, and it was not until the third time I watched this song did I notice you see tear stains. She’s smiling, but those tear stains just tell me of the journey she made solely through that song alone, how she would’ve been crying because of the pain but also just crying from elation and figuring out what she has to do with her mother’s gift to her of music. 

This last chorus has “when you feel lost, relight that spark” and I just find it interesting that it pans to Luke with “when you feel lost”. This is important as he felt lost when he regretted running away, and how Julie and Luke’s story are connected in a similar way. Julie “lost” her music and Luke “lost” his chance at repair. But anyway, it’s still all the same message of “you will find your way back, just believe in yourself and your ability because you have the power to be great.”

How she ends it though, is just pure joy. As she should, she is clearly proud of herself as well, and I can’t imagine how much relief she must have felt after she took that stride. 

I also think that having the guys standing behind her with the light is meant to signify how they are behind her; they are a part of her support and will help her in her path to greatness.

Madison is amazing and I still can’t believe this is her first time acting. She executed it perfectly, from the emotion in her face, body language to her voice.

And then it reveals that Rose left a message for her. “Julie, you can do it <3  Love, Mom” and that is where you wail. Her mother believes in her so much and it’s honestly just so beautiful.

This has been my dissection of “Wake Up”

I hope I haven’t broken too many people

[team-council]

These are my Alina/Cadence HCs bc I lowkey ship them! Note that for this I’m assuming gay couples are automatically bad matches bc they can’t reproduce. Also this contains some HCs that just pertain to these characters and not exclusively their relationship.

Also big thanks to @everyonehasthoughts for listening to me ramble about this + also coming up with some of the ones featured here

• Alina and Cadence are about the same age and they have been dating in secret since they were 16

• Because Alina always wanted to be in the nobility, they mutually agreed it would be best for her reputation that things stayed on the DL between them

• However, as they got older Cadence grew less secure about this. She wasn’t happy feeling like she had to keep her love for Alina a secret, but mostly just worried frequently that their relationship was more of a burden on Alina than anything else

• Cadence isn’t very open with her feelings, so while Alina was able to tell something was wrong with her she could get Cadence to elaborate on it- mostly because Cadence was worried Alina would feel guilty about her discontentment.

• Alina herself hates the arrangement as well. She’s a very proud person and it literally kills her that she can’t go to parties and watch people writhe with jealousy as she dances with the prettiest girl (Cadence) in the room, or that she can’t gush about all of the amazing research Cadence does to everyone she meets. But most of all, of course, she hates that she can’t give Cadence the life they both deserve together.

• Alina, however, is willing to brave this- or so she thinks. She’s certain that one day she and Cadence will be married after Alina’s been in the nobility- maybe even on the council- just long enough to change the system for the better

• Cadence, on the other hand, can’t bear it any longer. She’s already naturally a distant person and the pull of her research quickly becomes an enticing escape from her anxieties about her relationship with Alina.

• Cadence officially breaks things off with Alina when she leaves to research the ogres on a more personal level, telling her that it’s not her fault and that she just wants to focus on research at the moment.

• Alina is absolutely devastated. Despite wanting to support Cadence’s dream she does beg her to stay. Like beg beg, like fucking sobs

• Cadence is extremely distressed by this and leaves before she can change her mind, believing they’ll both be happier if they focus on their respective ambitions.

• Alina doesnt take this very well. All her life she’s dreamt of having someone to love. She’s terrified of being alone and she wants desperately for someone else to love her- because despite the vanity she fronts, she’s not capable of doing it herself

• Alden has been interested in Alina for some time, and since he’s on her match list she decides to pursue him.

• The two hit it off surprisingly well, and while Alina doesn’t love him as deeply as she loves Cadence Alden makes her feel cared for and important and serves as a welcomed respite from her heartache and fears of lonliness

• This does not last, as Alden moves on from her extremely abruptly, getting with Della

• Since Cadence is in Ravagog- somewhere Alina would have a hard time getting to her even if she had the balls to face her again (which she does not)- Alina decides in utter desperation to pursue Alden despite his rejecting her

• She can’t handle another heartbreak

• She can’t handle feeling like she isn’t good enough again

• She needs to be loved

• We all know how it goes from there for her

• While this is going down with Alina, Cadence is having a much different experience with the ogres

• At first her new, freeing lifestyle keeps her mind off Alina. She’s happier on her boat, able to research as she pleases, able to isolate herself with her work without being bothered or subjected to ridicule from elves not particularly fond of her ogre-centric studies

• But even Cadence’s solitary disposition has its limits, and in her early year’s at Ravagog things are /hard/ for her. She doesn’t have any elven friends and the ogres still don’t trust her enough to truly be companions

• She feels entirely alone sometimes and spends many nights staring at her imparter, wanting to call Alina. To tell her everything she’s been through, to excitedly ramble about her research, to complain about Dimitar’s god awful temper, to cry because no matter how hard she tries to stomach it her mind gets a bit weaker with each display of violence she’s shown- something that ogres see her as lesser for, even despite the fact that she doesn’t look down on them for those practices in the first place like other elves do

• She never does call her though

• Her time in Ravagog amplifies some of her best traits- her curiosity, her compassion, her patience- but also some of her worst- her reclusive tendencies and her emotional reservation specifically.

• It’s decades before Lady Cadence is called back to teach at Foxfire

• Alina begs the council to pick another mentor for Sophie, but can’t press it too hard without looking suspicious

• They spend a long time avoiding one another, adverting their eyes in the staff rooms and halls, sitting on opposite ends of the table at meetings

• But before they know it they start gravitating towards one another again

• At first it’s little things like soft, stolen glances or pacing at one another’s sides on the way to a conference

• Then they start talking again

• Cadence arranged for them to have tea during their free time. They chat and catch up and pretend like nothing happened

• Then Alina invites Cadence to dinner at her house, where she ends up breaking down. Cadence cuddles her as she does her best to explain what happened with Alden, how small and disposible she felt when he left her, how she felt like just being with him was a betrayal of Cadence

• Cadence assured her that it’s alright, she tells Alina she’s loved and she’s important, she promises her that things will get better and fights tears of her own

• There’s so much more cadence wants to say, baggage of her own that she’s about to collapse under the weight of

• But, again, she’s had to overcompensate for her weaknesses living with ogres. She’s even worse about her emotions now than she was before and crams them all into a box and shoved them away

• Alina can tell this, but unlike before she’s determined not to give up. She’s going to make thing’s right. She’s going to make sure Cadence Talle, who has spent her life understanding others, is finally understood herself

• And then Councillor Kenric dies.

• They’re both made candidates for the councillor position

• When Alina’s elected it’s unlike she ever imagined it would be. This isn’t going to be in and out. It’s not a matter of changing the match system or garnering respect for the talentless. She’s smack in the middle of a war. The man who held her position previously was murdered. It’s a greater commitment than she ever wanted out of the nobility, and it comes to her right when she’s finally got Cadence back again after so many years

• Cadence encourages her to take the position. She’s stuck at Foxfire anyways so it isn’t like she’s going anywhere. She’s- endlessly- worried about Alina’s safety, but she keeps those fears to herself. If Alina’s to be a councillor, Cadence will need to trust and respect her as a leader, not coddle her like a lover- much as she might like to.

• Alina eventually relents and takes up her new position

• The two keep in contact with calls here and there, but Alina is more busy than she’s ever been and after Ravagog is destroyed Cadence demands time away from her duties at foxfire to visit and help with damage control and recovery

• The next time they’re alone in person again Cadence is lying unconscious in an infirmary bed

• When Alina got the news that she had been attacked at Havenfield she dropped everything to visit her. It was impossible to pry her from her side. She sat next to her bed and gripped her hand as tightly as she could in her own, begging her to wake up and be alright

• Cadence doesn’t take too long to come around, and when she does she find’s her chest grows unbearably warm at the sight of Alina, whom she accepts that, in that moment, she is still completely in love with

• Cadence assured her that she’s fine, even attempting to get out of bed in order to hug her. This does not work. Alina has to drag her back onto the bed before Elwin bursts in and tells them both off

• It takes Cadence a while to talk Alina out of assigning her a body guard, and Alina relents only just barely under the logic that the attack wasn’t targeted at Cadence so there’s no need for concern

• Alina can tell that the incident weighs on her, but again she can’t get her to open up

• When Luminaria falls Alina, fortunately, sustains a few cuts and a couple broken bones like some of the other councillors but nothing too bad. By the time Cadence hear’s of the incident and comes running there’s not much to see of the accident anymore. But that doesn’t stop Cadence from pressing kisses against what of her is bandaged up (and dousing her in a number of different baked confections and flavorful teas)

• Again, they’re contact wanes for a little. Cadence is desperate to keep Dimitar from shutting the ogres away from the rest of the world and focussed most of her attention on that

• When they talk again it’s after Alina had been told that Cadence was the intended target of the Havenfield attack. Before she can start talking about bodyguards and security measures, however, Cadence finally breaks down.

• She clings to Alina like a child and recounts the interrogation session, how she’d failed to reason with the ogre, how he’d died as a result. Alina can’t empathize with her grief. She thinks of the assassin and bile rises in her throat. But she stifles her anger and holds cadence, promising that it isn’t her fault, that the work she’s done is good work, that the hatred he held for her was unwarranted and ill conceived

• When Cadence calms down she explains everything she’s been withholding. Her anxiety about their relationship, her paralyzing lonliness, her frustrations having to abandon her research, her still very real love for Alina

• Alina can’t help the few tears that come to her eyes. She’s finally got past Cadence’s walls, she can finally talk to her and comfort her like she needs to in order to help her feel secure

• Alina assures her that their relationship was never a burden, that she’s never been ashamed of Cadence, that she still loves her as well, and that she’d always be willing to take her back. They touch on other issues as well. Alina can’t entirely convince her that she doesn’t need to be constantly reserve herself they do make an agreement to be more open with one another

• They’re still plenty busy though, and mostly keep their interactions to friendly conversation and platonic affection as so not to threaten Alina’s position on the council. Alina has made plans to resign once the Neverseen is dealt with and marry Cadence like she’d always planned. Cadence is hoping that Alina won’t mind spending some of their time as a couple in Ravagog, and Alina’s hoping that Cadence won’t mind spending some time literally anywhere else

[yndigot]

As for Thomas having never been in a space for gay ppl before, I suppose I can maybe reason around it if we consider that he’s from a small town; then he goes to live in a small village w a job where he’s hardly ever free(and any travelling he does do is also on the job); and he’s working class (and iirc most of those bars etc were geared more towards upper class gay ppl) and you could maybe only find these places if you knew what you were looking for. (Also him never having been to a gay bar in his life and possibly not even knowing they existed might also explain why he was so gosh darn bitter all the time lmao; literally no fun time for him at all)

I dig that people want to talk about this! 

I don’t think Thomas grew up in a small town! Mostly because while RJC changes the way Thomas speaks in different contexts, he does NOT change his own (real life) distinctive Manc accent, so I can’t really headcanon Thomas growing up anywhere but Manchester or very Manchester adjacent. That’s not a small town with no access to city life. (We can talk about why Phyllis doesn’t necessarily sound like she grew up down the street from him. That’s another post. I don’t think Thomas would have gone out of his way to acquire such a distinctive Manc accent, though, so it’s more believable to me that Phyllis has done some work to lose her accent, not that Thomas is faking his.)

If you decide to discount the Manchester of it all, then sure, he can be a small town lad who went to live and work at country houses and has spent most of his life in rural, isolated areas. But I still see problems with that.

I’ll actually believe that he never went to gay bar in Manchester because he’s a first footman in Yorkshire by (probably) his early-ish 20s, which means he probably went into service, possibly some distance from Manchester, at some point in his teens. Since he didn’t arrive at Downton until c. 1910, it’s possible he worked at another house as a hall boy before then. Relatively young. Especially if he was working at another country house, he probably wasn’t going to gay bars on his half day. I’ll also believe that he didn’t know there were gay bars in York because it’s a MUCH smaller city than Manchester, which I think probably makes the gay scene smaller and harder to find, and tbh, if he knew it was there, you’re right -- he wouldn’t have been so miserable. So. He didn’t know about queer spaces where he grew up, and he doesn’t know about them where he lives now. I’m with you so far.

But at least before the war,* he didn’t spend the full year at a country house in rural Yorkshire. He went up to London for the season with the Crawleys. Including one season where he was sneaking around with the Duke. He had all of gay London at his fingertips and never realised it was there? At all? Not even the Duke clued him in? The Duke definitely had access to the higher class places you mentioned. He didn’t even tell Thomas such places existed? Never took him there as a sort of pet? Also, Thomas has clearly been to disreputable clubs before since he knows exactly what sort of scam Dekner is running with Andy. He’s comfortable getting around London and socialising in his (admittedly limited) free time while working for the family. He never found his way to queer spaces?

Grantham House is in St. James’s Square, which is in the West End and VERY close to major queer hubs. He never saw anyone and clocked them? And maybe followed to see where they were going? He never went cruising? No one he hooked up with ever clued in him to places where queer men socialised? I mean, I know I’ve commented in other places about how Thomas is not always good at picking up signals, but I feel like he couldn’t possibly miss ALL of that. (tbh I feel like this is discounting the number of queer men in service generally before the war as well -- when they’re all in the city for the season, he never talks to these other men and none of them clue him in?)

And we’ve got this passage in Matt Houlbook’s Queer London.

The most distinctive venues were in working-class neighborhoods in east and south London -- dockside pubs like the Prospect of Whitby (Wapping Stairs) or Charlie Brown’s--(West India Dock Road). Dock laborers, sailors from across the world, and families mingled freely with flamboyant local queans and slumming gentlemen in a protean milieu where queer men and casual homosexual encounters were an accepted part of everyday life.

Okay, so admittedly, idk that Thomas was dragging himself out to east or south London in the little free time he had in London. And while there were definitely working-class places for queer men, they do seem to be less nightclubs with bands playing and more pubs and coffee shops and cruising venues where men tried to project a very masculine image, and also places where working class pretty boys would congregate and middle class trade would come to pick them up. Maybe he’s just shocked by the open dancing. (This is my generous interpretation of the movie -- that he’s shocked specifically about the fact that it’s a night club and it’s in York, and that ‘I don’t know men like me’ is a statement about his isolation, not about him literally not knowing where he could get laid, if not in York, then certainly in a bigger city.)

Anyway, working class spaces did exist! He seems so shocked not just by the open dancing, but by the idea that a large number of queer men are gathering, and I can’t imagine he’s never realised that queer spaces exist before or that he’s never spent time in them. I just ... have a hard time imagining he’s that sheltered and clueless. There have been chances for him to be exposed to queer spaces, if not ones exactly like the one we see in the movie.

It made for a very sweet moment when he stepped into that club and his face lit up. RJC did an excellent job. I don’t think Julian’s plotting around Thomas’s previous exposure to other queer people makes a lot of sense, though. I fully believe that he doesn’t have queer friends near Downton -- that maybe he’s never really made queer friends that he keeps in touch with (rather than casual encounters that immediately pass out of his life), and so he probably feels very isolated from gay life where he’s living now. I’m sure that contributed to his depression. I tend to think he may have had an extended period of celibacy, possibly since before his crush on Jimmy, which, again, probably contributed to his isolation and depression. I just think pre-war Thomas had to have been exposed to more than the movie suggests.

I’m not discouraging anyone from writing small-town, wide-eyed Thomas if that appeals to you. It’s just 100% not in line with what I felt we got in the 6 series that led up to that movie. To me, it doesn’t feel like it matches the set up from the show. I came out of the movie thinking that Thomas and Richard were very sweet, but wondering how, given what we’d seen of him previously, Thomas had made it to nearly 40, managed to fuck a Duke, comfortably navigated seedy London, possibly(?) knew he was getting cruised at a bar, and still seemed surprised not just that such a place existed in York, but seemingly that such places existed at all. (If he didn’t know he was getting cruised, idk what to do with him, tbh. I do think he realised that Chris was interested in him, though. He was surprised, but he knew what was going on.)

YMMV. I’m not mad about people having very different takes to mine. It just didn’t really work for me. I preferred the more knowing Thomas from earlier on. Does that have to do with the tens of thousands of words I’d written of him being more knowing and worldly about queer spaces before the movie came out? Possibly. That definitely made it harder for me to see him seem so sheltered. If I wasn’t already annoyed with Julian’s approach to Thomas at various points in the series, maybe that also would have made me more willing to buy in.

*I know they went down to London from time to time after the war -- I honestly can’t remember if they were still regularly participating in ‘the season’ after it started to decline as a central part of the social calendar, although I know they did at least do Rose’s season. Maybe they were still doing it every year. Someone’s free to let me know.

(Also this is very quick and messy, sorry.)

[metalbatandzenko]

About me taking breaks from this blog

Hey everyone!

You might have noticed that I’ve been taking intermittent breaks from this blog. I try to announce it when I am, because falling off the face of the earth isn’t exactly courteous of me.

I’ve been getting a lot of asks asking if I’m alright and/or if there’s a reason why I’m kind of shutting myself off.

And here’s the thing. I know I don’t technically owe anyone an explanation for why I’ve been doing that. 

But I do want to give one. 

So think of this as more of an update I guess? Anyways, update under the cut. 

Warning: it’s long.

So, about why I’ve been taking breaks/why I haven’t been as interactive lately.

I’ve been rolling this around for a long time and trying to form the words to express all this.

There’s several major factors going on here, but the TLDR is I have an issue with feeling guilty about everything, even when I have no obligation to a person or situation, and it’s tanking my mental health.

1. The first, and most inconsequential, is I’m back to school. 

I’m a full time college student generally and have been since I started this sideblog. But as of this semester, I’ve officially transferred to a new university, which means school is taking up more of my time. 

I’m also in an honors program now, which means maintaining a 4.0 is—for financial reasons—more important than ever. I’m a bit stressed out, I’m not gonna lie! 

Also, the switch to remote has been a particularly rough one. I’m having a really hard time defining the boundary between “school and homework time” and downtime, which means anytime I spend not doing homework is really just spent with me feeling overwhelmed with guilt that I’m not trying to get ahead in class.

2. The world is kind of going through shit right now.

I’d be a liar if I said the state of the world isn’t killing my motivation. There’s a lot of shit going on, and it’s overwhelming. It feels like the second we slow down to catch a breath, a new tragedy hits. 

3. My depression is kind of killing me.

Like everyone, isolation is fucking with me. It has the fun side effect of piling onto my depression, so I’ve been really having a hard time finding the will to do anything, even things I enjoy. 

This also links to that feeling of guilt over not being productive: I want to do something I enjoy, but I can’t because I’m consumed with guilt over the fact I’m not meeting some perceived “productivity quota”, so instead of doing that work, or doing something I enjoy, I do nothing. I’ve been sleeping more these past few months than I ever have, but I’m still tired all the time.

4. Family matters.

I’m lucky in that I’m quarantined with my parents, so I have some interaction, but that also means that I am quarantined with my abusive father. As a closeted, nb gay mixed-asian, being forced to spend almost all my time with my violently racist, homophobic and transphobic white dad has been uh. not great for my mental health.

He also just finished his second round of treatments and we’re waiting on a prognosis to see if he’s cancer free or not, so I’ve been grappling with my extremely mixed feelings surrounding him (as well as the fact that I’ll likely be outed at some point and have to plan for an emergency exit when I live in a different state than the rest of my family and the majority of my friends in the middle of a pandemic) for the past six months or so.

5. I have been teetering dangerously close to full burnout for about five months now, and I think it’s finally hit.

Like I mentioned, I’m sleeping more than I ever have in my life. I’m tired all the time, and I keep getting hit with waves of just. really aggressive sadness and isolation. I’ve cried more in the past month than I have in uh. years.

Writing fanfic is a hobby. The problem is, my hobby overlaps with my major: I’m a creative writing major, so a lot of my creative energy has been going towards that.

Trying to balance both is a really tricky line to walk, and I just can’t do it right now. I’m struggling enough with class as it is, so content creation has fallen to the wayside, and I feel really shitty about that, especially since it’s something I enjoy.

I also felt like I always had to be “on”/accessible for this blog. (This is a personal problem that stems from growing up in a very service based culture, and one I’m working on, but it required time away and better boundaries on my part.)

6. Increased sense of alienation from the fandom at large.

This is kind of linked to 5.

Being able to keep anon on is really important to me, I know I personally don’t always feel comfortable sending asks to people off anon (I’ve joked before that even with users I’m genuinely friends with, I send asks on anon bc I don’t want them to feel like I’m waiting on an answer). 

I only answer about a quarter of the asks I receive (I won’t say a quarter of the asks people send me given tumblr’s tendency to eat asks). About a third of the asks are: asking me when a fic of mine will be updated/a wip will be posted, accusing me of something, flat out rude/hateful, or asking really invasive personal questions. 

I’ve gotten a few asking me to elaborate on specific traumas that I don’t think I’ve even mentioned on this blog, which is both violating and extremely entitled: as if someone else gets to decide if my trauma is legitimate enough or something.

There are also the asks that I either don’t have the energy to give the love they deserve and avoid because I feel guilty about that, or just flat out I don’t want to answer.

But deciding not to answer the asks sent in good faith makes me feel incredibly guilty and ashamed. This, again, is a personal problem, and one I’m working on.

I also feel my hyperfixation on opm beginning to fade.

But generally, I just feel less connected to the fandom. It’s mostly because my lack of spoons means I’m not reaching out to people as much, but there are other factors too. It sounds dramatic, but I’m still a little shaken by the spat I had with another opm blog a couple of months ago.

And generally? I don’t think the fandom is as active anymore anyways. Some small, self-absorbed part of me still blames myself for some of that, because the timing of the fandom dying down and fracturing came right after the dispute I mentioned.

7. I really want this account to stay associated with happy things, and I’m not feeling too happy right now.

This blog was one I made because I enjoyed opm and wanted to have fun with it. I still love opm, and I love some of the friends I’ve made on here, but I just. I don’t feel the love for the fandom as a whole right now, and given all the negative emotions/things I just laid out, I’m worried about it somehow rubbing off on this blog, both for me, and for the people who follow me.

---

So yeah, that’s what’s going on on my end. I’m trying to stay positive and take care of myself, but I’m beyond overwhelmed, both for reasons related to, and entirely unrelated to this blog.

I want this blog to feel positive, and I worry this feels like I’m fishing for pity. That’s not it. I just need to get it off my chest, and kind of lay out where I am for you all, because I care about you.

Anyways, that’s all I got. I don’t know if I’ll delete this for now, but for the time it’s up, I’ll have it pinned to my blog. 

Love you all, and be gentle with yourself.

[crying-gay-tears]

Brighter Than the Sun (3/?)

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

ao3

A thunderstorm and existential thoughts keep the boys awake. 

Chapter 3: Questioning

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gon tossed in bed as a clap of thunder echoed in the air outside his dorm. It hadn’t woken him up--he hadn’t actually fallen asleep yet--but it was enough to shake the window in its frame. A few seconds later and his room was illuminated by a flash as lightning ripped across the sky. He counted in his head ‘1, 2, 3, 4, 5’... another thunderclap, another flash. Huh, so the storm was about a mile away then. He knew this was coming, the signs had been showing the last few days. Birds were flying low yesterday and there was a ring around the moon that night. He could smell it in the air as well. He was grateful it waited until Friday night to finally hit. It meant he could have a nice rainy Saturday indoors with no classes to interrupt. Another crack of thunder and lightning, and the rain finally started. He settled on his back and listened to the heavy pitter patter against the roof.

The room was dark aside from the dim blue light of the street lamp outside the window. It illuminated the rain flowing down the glass, casting fluid shadows that danced across the floor. He laid awake watching them, mind wandering.Usually when it stormed, it brought him a sense of calm and peace. On nights like these he slept like a rock; but for some reason, tonight he couldn’t seem to sleep at all. Maybe it was because this was his first stormy night spent away from Whale Island. He had definitely been feeling the differences that living in a city made in his daily life. Maybe he was a little homesick, and maybe the storm was just making that feeling grow.

He glanced up at the desk across the room. The bright red digits of his alarm clock glared back at him, letting him know it was well past 1am. Just as he moved to bury his face in his pillow, he heard a thud followed by some rustling on the other side of his bedroom door. Eager for a distraction from his own restlessness, he kicked his blanket aside and snuck out to the common room. He wasn’t sure what he expected to find, but Killua on the floor scrambling to scoop chips back into a bowl was not it.

~~~~~~~~

After about two hours of tossing and turning in bed, Killua found himself in the common room, rolled up in a blanket on the couch with a bowl of cheese puffs and a baking show playing on the tv.

He was having trouble sleeping, which wasn’t really new, per se, but the thoughts running through his mind and keeping him from sleep certainly were. Earlier that day was the first meeting for the GSA, and Gon convinced him to go. Not that it took too much effort, Killua had been curious about it weeks ago when Gon first mentioned it.

The meeting was a little over an hour long, and Killua was on edge for most of that hour. There were a bunch of people there, all of them seemed nice enough, but it was still a bit overwhelming. He wasn’t even sure if he should be there in the first place.

They all introduced themselves with their name, pronouns, and sexuality if they were comfortable sharing. Killua waited with baited breath until it was his turn, then he quickly declared “Killua, he/him” and turned to Gon to pass the spotlight, who was carefree and confident when he spoke. ”I’m Gon! I didn’t really know what pronouns were before now, but mine are he/him! And I don’t know what to say about my sexualty, I’m here to hopefully figure it out!”

Killua was amazed the whole time at how easily Gon fit into the group, like they’d all been friends for years. He was starting to learn that that’s just how Gon was. He was comfortable with everyone he met and he navigated life with a confidence that stemmed from his own optimism.

Killua spent most of the time quietly observing. The group leaders talked about what it felt like for them when they realized they were queer. A few told their coming out stories, some of acceptance and some of isolation. They talked about the spectrum of sexuality and what each letter in the acronym was. Killua, who had entered the meeting assuming he was just going to be an ally, left that afternoon with the burning letter Q in his mind.

Questioning. Something about that word felt so comfortable to him. It felt like a word he could sit with for a while. Under the umbrella of questioning, he had the space to think about all the new perspectives he received during the meeting.

He assumed he was just an ally, but when he heard about all the things you could be besides straight… Ally didn’t feel like it really fit. And that was because straight definitely didn't feel like fit him anymore. To be honest, looking back, he wasn’t sure if it ever really fit him in the first place. But straight was what he always was, wasn’t it? It was never really something that got talked about directly, but it was always assumed. He’d only ever been asked about girlfriends, or girl crushes growing up. He’d been called a lady’s man by his parents’ friends, and he was always told he’d make a nice young lady very happy one day. It started to feel like being straight was kind of...expected of him? He never realized there was any other way to be.

But as overwhelmed as he was with the suffocating straightness, he was equally overwhelmed by the world of queerness that he had no experience with.

Straight didn’t feel right--and that was scary in and of itself--but he also wasn’t ready to declare himself as gay or bi or pan or any of the other letters. He just… wasn’t sure yet. So he was Questioning.

And boy was he questioning.

Everything.

What did this mean? Would he have to come out to his family if he decided he was gay? Or bi? Should he tell them now that he was questioning? Or wait until he figured it out 100%? When would that happen?

He couldn’t imagine his family being too cool about it, not that they were cool about much to begin with. When did he start caring about what they think anyways? He’d gotten piercings, dyed and cut his hair, snuck out, and done pretty much anything to piss them off and free himself just a little bit. If being gay pissed them off, he shouldn’t care! But would he? Wait, when did he decide he was gay? He wasn’t! Was he?

His phone buzzing on the couch next to him snapped him out of his thoughts, and he jerked in surprise, sending his snack flying. He hissed as the bowl clattered onto the floor, spilling cheese puffs everywhere.

He was on his knees scooping them back into the bowl frantically with his hands when he heard a door creak open. Before he could react, Gon was standing over him, a strange smile on his face.

“Want some help?”

“Oh, no thanks I’ve got it.” He threw the last puff back into the bowl and dumped them all into the trash. “Sorry if the bowl dropping woke you up.”

“It’s okay, it didn’t wake me up, I couldn’t sleep anyways.”

“Did the storm scare you or something?”

“No, ” his brow was furrowed and his lips formed a small pout. “I usually sleep like well on stormy nights. I don’t know why I’m so awake right now. I was thinking maybe I’m homesick.”

“Ah” Killua flopped onto the couch, pouring more chips into the bowl.

“Is that why you’re awake? The storm scared you?”

He scoffed. “No, I just have a lot on my mind, I guess.”

“Can I join you?”

“Uh, yeah, sure”

He made room on the couch and Gon sat down next to him. When he started tugging at the blanket, Killua just stared in confusion. He kept tugging until, finally understanding, Killua pulled the blanket off of himself and spread it over the both of them. Gon scooted in closer and let out a contented sigh. Their arms and thighs were touching, and Killua was doing his best to remain calm. Were they supposed to be sitting this close? Gon was always kinda touchy feely, and Killua had never really had friends like this before, was this just what friends did? They were watching tv, that was normal. Was he just overthinking?

“So, what’s on your mind, Killua?”

He almost jumped out of his skin. “I..uh, what?”

“You said you had a lot on your mind, and if it was keeping you from sleep I thought you might wanna talk about it.”

“Oh, no... I’m okay, just thinking about school stuff, yknow, homework and whatever.”

Gon just chuckled in response.

“What’s so funny?” he huffed.

“Nothing, it’s just that you’re a terrible liar.”

Killua’s mouth fell open in surprise.

“I am not! I-”

“It’s okay, we don’t have to talk about whatever is bothering you.” He reached for another cheesepuff from the bowl in Killua’s lap. “It’s also okay if you’re scared of storms.” He smiled as he pushed the chip into his mouth.

“I’m not scared, Gon. Just couldn’t sleep. Seriously.”

“Okay, Killu, whatever you say. You know, storms used to scare me when I was younger. Mito-san always calmed me down with herbal tea and sometimes she’d sing to me. Did your parents ever do anything to help soothe you on stormy nights?”

“Well, no, not really. Not that storms ever scared me,” he side-eyed Gon, “but they’re not really the comforting type anyway so it wouldn’t matter anyway.”

“Oh?” Gon’s eyes were wide, not with judgement, but with genuine curiosity. “What are your parents like then? Tell me about them.”

Killua sighed. ”They weren’t really around much. Though I don’t think it’s because their jobs are super cool.“ Gon laughed and he pressed on.

“My dad is a criminal defense lawyer, just like his dad before him and his dad before him. My mom’s a criminal psychologist, so they make a great team. They both went to fancy colleges and come from rich families. All they really care about is maintaining social standing and images, and the family name, and of course money. They throw a lot of parties and dinners for clients and their colleagues, so I spent a ton of my life, including most holidays, stuffed into a stiff penguin suit with a fake smile speaking only when spoken to and never about what was actually on my mind.”

Gon frowned, his eyes were intense and urged him to continue.

“They’re only ever involved with my life when they’re trying to control it. I had to fight with them for months to let me go to a college so far from home. They wanted me to go to my father’s alma mater and get a law degree and eventually run the firm with my older brother,” he rolled his eyes. “But they’ve never once asked me what I want to do, or how I want to live.”

“What do you want to do?”

Killua blinked in surprise. “I, uh… well, I’m not really sure yet,” he dropped his head, staring at the bowl in his lap, “I really don’t know. But I want the freedom to figure it out for myself. Without their pressure or judgement.”

“That’s more than fair. You’re your own person, you should be able to make your own decisions!” Gon’s brow was furrowed, his mouth set in a tight line, clearly upset with what he’d just heard. Killua couldn’t help but smile; it was nice to have someone on his side for once.

“How did you get them to let you come here?”

“I told them if they didn’t let me pick where I went, I wouldn’t go at all.” A devious smile spread on his face at the memory of his mother crying and father standing stone faced with his arm crossed as he held up his acceptance letter.

Gon giggled. “What a power move! Were you being serious? Or bluffing?”

“Well, I just kinda went for it during an argument with them and then stuck to my guns when they pushed it further. I hadn’t really thought about whether or not they would actually agree to my terms. If they’d said no I guess I would’ve taken a year off or something to piss them off, and see if that changed their mind. Luckily, they went with it, and they’ve been pretty quiet since I left. I imagine when semester grades start coming out they’ll be calling. They’ll probably also be on my ass when they find out I haven’t declared a law major yet. Or any major for that matter.”

“You should take all the time you need! It’s okay to not have everything figured out just yet.”

Killua looked at Gon for a moment. His amber eyes were burning into him, full of care and concern. Killua felt so seen and it was...really nice, actually. His heartbeat speeding up was kind of annoying, though.

“Yeah, thanks. Hopefully I figure something out soon though, I think it’ll be easier to tell them I’m not pursuing law if I actually have an alternative to present them with.”

“That makes sense. I still think you should be able to take all the time you need to decide. It’s only fair.”

Killua swallowed nervously around the lump in his throat. Those words held so much weight. He certainly had a lot to think about and decide for himself, and not just what his major would be. Time sounded like exactly what he needed. “Thanks Gon.”

“Of course Killua! I’m your friend, and I support you, even if your parents don’t.” He smiled at Killua and then looked away, his face suddenly falling. “You know, it’s funny, you came to college to make your own life away from your parents, and I came to college to get closer to my dad and to shape my life to be like his. Makes me wonder if I'm doing the right thing. It hurt that he wasn't around and I guess that's why I want to follow in his footsteps. I just...I want it to be so great that I understand why it was worth leaving me.”

Killua had no idea what to say, but before he could figure it out, Gon was speaking again, his expression back to normal.

“You mentioned your brother, what’s he like? Is he supportive? Is he happy following in your father’s footsteps?”

He let out a bitter laugh. “Illumi does whatever he’s told, and he doesn’t complain. They like to bring him up a lot when I’m going against their wishes. He’s their perfect son, and life would be easier for all of us if I were more like him. He doesn’t support me or whatever, but to be fair, I don’t talk to him much, so he doesn’t really get the chance to anyway.”

“Is he your only sibling?”

“No, there’s actually five of us. Illumi, Milluki, Me, Kalluto, and Alluka.”

“Wow, that’s so many! I’m an only child, I always wanted siblings growing up.”

“Heh, that’s funny, growing up I always wanted to be an only child.” He laughed, Gon did too, though he looked a bit concerned.

“Alluka is really the only one I can talk to and spend time with.She still listens to mom and dad, she’s younger than me and still under their thumb, but she’s smart and down to earth. She sees through their bullshit and doesn’t buy into the life they push on us. Kalluto is up mom’s ass, and Illumi is up dad’s, and Milluki only cares about their money and his stupid tech start up. So it’s nice to not be alone against them, she always looks out for me, and I do the same for her.”

“I’m glad you have each other! I hate the thought of you all alone against your whole family. Even though I’m sure you could handle it, it’s nice to have someone on your side.”

Killua’s heart flipped in his chest. Ugh, why does that keep happening?

“Yeah, I’m glad we have each other too. I worry about her now that I’m so far away though. I know she can handle herself, but my parents are the worst, and I was always the buffer.”

Gon looked...angry? But he didn’t say anything immediately. He seemed to be mulling things over. “I don’t mean any offense, but your parents sound really mean.”

“I mean, they’re not nice by any stretch, but they don’t hit us or anything. Controlling and judgemental for sure, but it’s mostly cold indifference.”

Gon paused, turning his head to look directly into his eyes. Killua gulped.

“Just because your family didn’t give you much attention or show you kindness and affection, doesn’t mean you don’t deserve those things!” he emphasized his point by squeezing Killua’s hand under the blanket.

Killua’s cheeks were suddenly on fire, no doubt turning bright pink, and he was grateful the only light in the room was from the tv.

“Thanks, Gon.”

He didn’t have the nerve to squeeze back, he also didn’t quite expect the twinge of disappointment he felt when Gon let go of his hand.

After that, they fell into a comfortable silence, the storm was still raging on outside, the bowl of cheese puffs now laid discarded on the floor, and the baking show they’d been watching was entering the semi final. Gon let out a long yawn, stretching his limbs and leaning into Killua’s side.

His proximity fried his brain. He was trying his best to relax, but he felt stiff from head to toe with anxiety. It wasn’t that he didn’t want Gon close to him, it was just so new. When he felt Gon’s head fall onto his shoulder and rest there, he thought his heart was going to beat out of his chest. He was suddenly aware of his breathing and every move he made. He didn’t want to move or do anything to disturb Gon, so he decided the best course of action was to just relax. He focused on calming his breathing, and after a while his heartbeat was a little less frantic, and his body a little less tense.

He wasn’t used to this. Not just the cuddling, but the soft touches on his arm when they spoke sometimes, the hand on his shoulder when Gon was laughing extra hard, or the high fives and sometimes hugs when Gon was excited... It all felt so foreign. But still, as strange as it was to him, he couldn’t help but lean into it. Gon’s gravitational pull was seemingly inescapable.

In this moment, with Gon laying against him, head on his shoulder, it actually felt kind of... nice to be close to someone. He was warm and cozy as their body heat mingled under the blanket, and Gon was soft and solid against him. It was comforting in a way he’d never experienced, and couldn’t quite describe. When he actually let himself enjoy the affection instead of overthinking it, it felt pretty amazing. Without even realizing, he slowly began to let his guard down.

With Gon next to him he was actually distracted from his anxiety thoughts long enough for sleep to creep it’s way in. He felt so secure and comfortable, and it made him a little angry that he was falling asleep, he didn’t want this moment to end. When his eyelids started to feel heavy he knew he couldn’t fight it anymore.

He whispered, “Gon, I’m getting pretty tired, I think I’m gonna head to bed.”

No response.

He tried a little louder this time, “Gon?”

Nothing.

He slowly craned his neck to the side and saw that Gon’s face was slack, and his eyes were closed. He was asleep. His first thought was to gently wake him up so they could head their separate ways and go to bed. But when he tried to move, he just didn’t have it in him. His second thought was that maybe it would be okay to just let himself fall asleep. To let himself fall into the warmth and comfort of the moment, and to let his head gently rest against Gon’s as he drifted to sleep. And so he did.

[traincat]

It is true that Flash Thompson was not originally a bully and that later writer retconned him to be one to make Peter more relatable?

This is an interesting thing to explore and I don’t think it’s quite as clear cut as that, because it’s not like a retcon where the switch got flipped and suddenly This Is How Canon Is. It’s more of a messy canon landslide, filled with creator infighting. (In a move that I’m sure will surprise no one, just like people in fandom disagree with each other’s headcanons, different writers on longrunning multi-creator series disagree with each other’s headcanons. It’s just that they get to then make those headcanons canon.) But to take it back to the very beginning with Stan Lee and Steve Ditko’s run – no, I don’t believe Flash Thompson was originally intended to be a bully in high school, at least not in the same way he later became characterized during that time and not in the way that the word “bully” brings to mind in modern context. I think it’s more accurate to say that the original depiction of Flash in the Lee/Ditko run is as the popular student to Peter’s wallflower. Compared to Peter, Flash cares less about intellectual pursuits and schoolwork and comes across more as the Typical American Teenager of the time, complete with curly flaxen hair and sweaters with his initial on the front. Peter and Flash are certainly not friends in high school and Flash is verbally rude to Peter, but he’s certainly not the only one, and, especially after the spider-bite, Peter gives as good as he takes in that department and more. I’d describe the relationship in the Lee/Ditko run as “mutually antagonistic”, and that the nature of that antagonism is largely verbal. Out of the couple of times they have come to blows in the Lee/Ditko run, there’s one boxing match in Amazing Spider-Man #8 to “settle their feud”:

I don’t think this was approved conflict resolution between students even in the 60s, but whatever – anyway, long story short, after an attempt to figure out how to pull his punches enough so he doesn’t seriously injure Flash, Peter… still wipes the floor with him. 

Okay.

Then there’s a fight in Amazing Spider-Man #26, which only gets broke up because Liz Allan physically gets between them:

So in both of these original cases, it’s hard not label Peter as, if not the aggressor, then at the least complicit in these physical fights solely within the confines of the original Lee/Ditko run. I also think it’s notable in the latter scene that, though the principal blames Peter – and look at that flying tackle leap – Flash takes the rap for this fight so Peter won’t get in trouble.

Here’s the thing about Spider-Man as a series: there’s a big joke at the forefront of the series at its beginning, and the joke is that Peter’s dear old aunt might think he’s such a fragile boy, and his classmates might think he’s just another scrawny nerd, but he knows – and you and I, the readers, know – that that’s not true at all and that physically Peter’s much stronger than all of them and he knows – and again, we the readers know – that he could flatten anyone at school who looks at him wrong, and that it’s his own sense of responsibility and morals that keeps him from doing just that. It’s a very specific kind of joke, it’s an in-joke. We know it, Peter knows, nobody else knows it, and that’s why it’s funny. And that joke deepens when they introduce the element of Flash Thompson being Spider-Man’s biggest fan. 

(Amazing Spider-Man #17) So now the joke’s not only that Flash, as Peter’s classmate, might think he’s kind of a wimp, it’s that while he thinks Peter’s a wimp he simultaneously worships the ground Spider-Man walks on. I’ve mentioned before that in my opinion it’s a shallow take to boil Spider-Man’s humor as a series down to Peter’s quipping in fights; the narrative itself is clever, and Flash squabbling with Peter while simultaneously thinking Spider-Man’s just the greatest ever is part of that. To complicate things further, part of the reason Flash dislikes Peter at this point in canon is because he feels his girlfriend Liz Allan is gunning to get with Peter (and she is). Flash and Liz have an odd relationship; they’re ostensibly together through high school, but essentially they’re both obsessed with the same guy in different outfits. (This isn’t actually canon, or at least, it isn’t yet, but for the sake of the conversation: I do strongly believe that Flash, as he’s been written in 616 over the years, is gay. @bipeteparker has an excellent breakdown of the subtext here. And so while I do think it’s very easy to paint Flash’s feelings for Spider-Man as more than platonic, I also think his feelings for Peter eventually get, yeah, pretty romantic. Identity porn in practice!)

Peter and Flash continue this kind of mutual antagonism into the early days of college, where they both end up in Gwen Stacy’s social circle:

(Amazing Spider-Man #37) I do think the Ditko/Lee run is very important, but there’s a reason I don’t usually recommend people start with it, and it’s because if you’re used to Peter Parker being a certain way, Peter in the original run is uhhh. Let’s call him prickly, to say the least. For all of Flash’s posturing here in this scene, if you look at what’s actually on the page, he does sort of come off a little better than Peter – from his perspective, he’s trying to defend Gwen, his friend, from a guy he knows has a history of some pretty weird behavior. I don’t doubt that the original point of the scene was for the reader to come down more on Peter’s side of things (note Gwen’s internal monologue), but from a modern perspective, well – Peter’s being a pretty big jerk in it. (Peter mellows out a lot in college, and also when John Romita Sr hits the scene and replaces Ditko on art.)

So one of the things that kept Peter and Flash from being friends sooner – and within the confines of the Lee/Ditko run, kept Peter from having friends at all sooner – is that Peter’s responsibilities towards Spider-Man and his aunt did make him initially come off as very standoffish during high school and at the beginning of college, which was the result of him being, well, just superhumanly busy and having a lot on his mind, but which his classmates (who don’t have the reader’s privilege of knowing just what the hell is up with Peter Parker) did read as him thinking he was too good for them:

(Amazing Spider-Man #34)

Flash remarks on this same behavior in the future, after he and Peter have become friends:

“We all had responsibilities, Pete. But we made time for each other. You made it clear that you always had something more important to do than be with us. How do you think we felt?” (Web of Spider-Man #11 – with a classic Flash Thompson fashion look.) This is one of the downsides of Spider-Man; because of his secret identity, even the Peter people loves most in his life (and he grows to love Flash a very great deal) don’t really know every side of him. And it’s very easy for the reader to sympathize with Peter first and foremost because we know he missed that movie/dance/dinner/whatever because there was a supervillain on the loose, or someone was trapped in a burning building, but when he can’t/won’t share that information with the people in his life with whom he keeps breaking plans, I think it’s also reasonable to sympathize with them feeling like they’re just not important to him, so I like Web of Spider-Man #11′s spin on the situation. (Flash also comes down on Peter’s treatment of Liz Allan in high school, given her obvious crush on him, in the issue.)

To go back briefly to the idea of Peter and Flash having a mutual antagonism in high school, rather than a bully-victim dynamic, while Flash looked down on Peter for not being as athletic or popular with girls as him, Peter teased Flash about his intelligence:

(”Back before we became friends, Parker used to tease me for not being as bright as he is. I wonder if he knew how much that hurt?” – Spectacular Spider-Man #148.) So there’s an interesting twist in the dynamic there, because we the readers know that Flash teasing Peter about not being as athletic as him is funny because, after the spider-bite, Peter’s far stronger and faster than Flash is. Peter teasing Flash about not being as smart as him, on the other hand, isn’t funny at all, because Peter really is that much smarter than Flash. And I’m not trying to make Peter out to be the bully in the situation, but I do think Spider-Man comics and relationship dynamics are at their best when not everything is as simple as it seems and when there are different sides to the story, and that I do really like this dynamic of Peter and Flash of two kids who just drastically didn’t understand each other, and who both had pretty valid reasons not to like each other in high school, but who ended up clicking really well in later life as they both matured. It’s also notable that Peter, while orphaned as a young child, had Ben and May who were very loving parents, whereas Flash’s father was violently abusive. In the issue that reveals Flash’s home life situation, a much younger Flash stares down in envy at Peter and Uncle Ben:

(Spectacular Spider-Man #-1)

(Venom (2011) #5)

Having established all of that, it is pretty much hard canon now that Flash was more of a garden variety bully in high school, with the idea popularized in Spider-Man fandom by like, every Peter Parker movie, and as comics moved forward with new writers who saw different parts of their own experiences in Peter’s high school isolation, or who wanted to move things into a more modern perspective. And I don’t think that’s a bad thing for Flash as a character, necessarily – I don’t think it’s in the original Lee/Ditko run’s text, but neither is Flash having a father who beats him, and while “bully is actually a victim of abuse himself” is maybe an overused trope, it comes up a lot for a reason, and so much of Spider-Man does boil down to what abuse does to people, and how they then abuse other people – or how they choose not to do that. (A huge part of Flash’s Venom run is on breaking the cycle of abuse.) I know I’ve talked a couple times about Flash being put down to make Peter look better by comparison, I don’t really mean the slide of Flash from popular boy who just, well, didn’t really like Peter into Peter’s bully so much as some later canon (particularly around the late ‘90s and into the ‘00s) that, well, didn’t seem to really know what to do with Flash.

For example, for a while in canon, Flash had a job as an athletics coach teaching kids, and he seemed to really like it and he was really good with kids! Then we hit a point in canon and it’s like, oh never mind, he considers this a dead-end job for a loser. In the mid-250s of Spectacular Spider-Man, Flash tries to get back together with Betty Brant, with the caveat that something unnamed and jerkish happened to end their relationship and that it was his fault -- but that doesn’t make sense, in part because after Ned’s death and Betty’s breakdown it’s never clear whether Flash and Betty’s relatoinship ever even regained a romantic footing, and besides we see Flash and Betty hanging out in the same company after that when Flash was seeing Felicia with no apparent hard feelings between them. And some of it’s just your regular comic book style character regression -- at one point, Flash gets kidnapped by Norman Osborn, waterboarded with whisky, framed for a car accident that leaves him in a coma and with brain damage, and then when he comes out of it he’s regressed back to his high school-ish personality and can’t remember being friends with Peter (this didn’t last but it was sure a thing). So there’s some stuff like that. And I do think a lot of it comes out of comic book writers who maybe identify with Peter a little too closely as a former high school nerd and it offers them a chance to put the jock down which -- I don’t know, I think it’s just a shallower take on a relationship that developed very naturally. 

So long story short, I don’t think the bully angle is something that was really in the Lee/Ditko run, and that Flash and Peter have more of a mutual antagonism that initially stems from Flash being the popular kid and Peter being a loner who feels isolated, yes, but who also had a tendency at that age to isolate himself, and that the bully aspect later emerged as a way to make Peter more of a relatable figure initially -- less prickly, more picked on, and Flash got pushed into that role because of it. It’s canon now, and I don’t really have a problem with it -- Flash and Peter managed to work it out amongst themselves, after all -- but I do think it’s interesting how it’s changed over the years, and I do personally think the initial dynamic from the Lee/Ditko run is more interesting. Ultimately I think the evolution of Flash in high school from a popular and a bit airheaded jock who loves Spider-Man to being characterized as a bully first and foremost is a shame because Flash and Peter have a really great friendship in later canon, and that’s something I’d like to see more of in Spider-Man adaptations. Instead the bully role just gets trot out over and over again.

[yessoupy]

annual writing self-evaluation (2019)

i. Optional if applicable: link to last year’s self evaluation:

here’s the 2018 eval!

1. List of works published this year (in the order that they were posted):

your skin makes me cry (the walking dead, daryl/jesus)

yellow (harry/reader)

and.... that’s it!!!! yeesh.

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

Not that I have a lot of works to choose from, but I’m genuinely proud of YSMMC, my very first longfic. I put so much into that fic and actually FINISHED it. And I’ve re-read it a few times top to bottom and STILL love it. It’s probably my favorite piece of my writing ever.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

I like them both, lol. But I guess I can say I wished I’d been able to write more.

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

I re-read YSMMC on the plane so I could do this. This is my favorite passage, from Chapter 16 (warning: scene is explicit, and why I’m cutting the rest):

Daryl felt him, all over, from the tips of Paul’s hair slipping over his shoulder to brush against Daryl’s chest to Paul’s hand grazing up over his ribs and up his good arm to intertwine their fingers… “You feel fuckin’ amazing,” he groaned, clutching Paul’s hand.

“Shut up,” Paul hissed, hips stuttering and hand clenching tight.

Daryl swept his free hand down Paul’s side and on around to his ass, pulling him closer. “That an order?”

“That’s a ‘shut up or I’ll come before I get to fuck you like I want to.’”

“I make you feel that good?”

“Fuck. You have no idea, do you?” Paul panted, pulling out all slow and gentle, making Daryl’s toes curl and his eyes squeeze shut when he thrust back in. “Hottest thing I’ve ever seen, you lying here for me. You hear those sounds you’re making? Like you can’t help it, like what I’m doing is just what you need—”

“That’s right—” And it was, more than he’d thought it could be, a return to what he’d been denying himself, or maybe wasn’t ready to give himself, for all this time. He blinked open his eyes and Paul was right there. “You’re right,” he breathed.

“Shut up,” Paul repeated, eyes soft and full of something Daryl knew how to name.

“Shut me up,” he ordered, letting himself feel it instead of naming it, taking the moment for the rest of what it was—Paul inside him, finally, like the final piece in a thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle he was afraid he’d lost pieces of. That’s right, he thought, eyes rolling back as Paul took him in hand. That’s right.

5. Share or describe a favorite comment you received:

@gaydaryl left my favorite comments on YSMMC over on AO3. I’m reposting all of them because it felt like everything i had consciously tried to do and put into daryl’s character was getting picked up and appreciated. 😍 v affirming [spoilers ahead.... lol]

on chapter 18:

this entire fic is like a warm hug and makes my entire body get the weak gay tremblies!!!! desus's dynamic is so good the entire way through and also daryl having had a husband before and it never being a point of contention and paul getting it and talking about jesse with him... god. it's so beautiful

also i've always been a sucker for "asshole but trying to be a good brother" merle characterization, and this Hit The Spot

i love this !! so much!! i can't wait to see the rest

chapter 19:

OH MY GODDDDD this was MORE than worth waiting for it's BEAUTIFUL i LOVE this fic their complete faith in each other is so good. and daryl's line about negan losin to TWO? SEXY OF HIM

chapter 20:

this fic the entire way through felt like such a breath of fresh air. having daryl be confident in his being gay, having had a long term relationship before, the absolute softness with which you wrote it all... it's so good. i loved it so much and it's one of my fave fics ever, i think, because the characterization is so utterly perfect and feels so real. thank you so much for writing it! 

💜💜💜

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

That last chapter just did NOT want to get figured out. Didn’t help that I was heading into the worst mental health of my life. And then after I finished that fic in September, I ... stopped writing. I’m only just now getting to a place where I can imagine again.

7. A scene or character that you wrote that surprised you:

Reader, lol! Yellow came from a dream I had and the feel of it wouldn’t leave me so I had to translate it into words somehow. It only made sense to write it from that point of view, which was not one I ever thought I’d find a use for.

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

From last year’s: “It’d be great to actually have the ability to write something long. I feel like the ideas I have are for short pieces.” I 100% accomplished that. I feel much more comfortable writing explicit scenes, although they still take so much more effort than basically any other isolated scene. 😩

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

I want to contribute to more fandoms. I have been nudging along at a timestamp for YSMMC, I’d like to write more in-universe TWD (not canon, because Fuck Canon is my refrain for like, everything), I want to venture back into Star Wars and positively contribute there, and of course baseball!Harry. Maybe even... Prodigal Son? Who knows! the Chappy/Olson from 2018 needs a sequel.

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

For the second year running, @chasm2018. My go-to beta is not as comfortable with helping to improve explicit scenes and Hannah volunteering to not only offer help with those but also the rest of the fic... invaluable! Couldn’t have done it without her. And I definitely owe her baseball!Harry.

11. Anything in your real life show up in your writing this year:

Anytime you see something about a character being insecure in some way about their queerness, that’s me. an example, from your skin makes me cry:

There was a rainbow flag tacked up over his desk. Daryl had known because of what Rick had said when they were out for drinks, that Paul never tried to hide and managed to avoid any bullshit about it because he was so good at his job, but it was another thing to see those bright colors just out there for everyone to see.

“Problem?” Paul asked, a hard edge to his voice.

Daryl had been caught staring at the flag. Fuck, now Paul probably thought he was some ignorant hick homophobe. “No, ‘course not.” He cleared his throat. “Me too. Nice to have some company, ‘s all.” He wanted to punch himself, wanted to slink away out of sheer embarrassment. He hated every time he had to do this. In his head he knew that Paul wouldn’t think less of him, but he couldn’t help but think he didn’t exactly look like he belonged with all the other people who could put rainbow flags up over their desks. Only places he ever felt like he really belonged was out on his bike or in the shop. Only places he felt like he belonged anymore, anyway.

Paul didn’t say any of the worst things he could have said. Daryl had heard them all from well-meaning people who didn’t realize how all of those phrases cut him in different ways. “Oh, I could tell,” was just as bad as, “Oh, I never would have guessed,” if for different reasons. Paul just smiled and said, “Thank you for telling me.” Then they walked together the short distance down the hall to Eugene’s office where Paul told him to let him doing the talking.

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

Same as always: write what you want to read. And don’t be intimidated by the writing of others. :)

13. Any new projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

I left Poe and Marek alone for ANOTHER year. I keep opening those docs and poking at them and now with the sequel trilogy done maybe I can shape them up. 

[rosenrot234]

explaining Preacher’s playlist

Putting this under a read more break because there’s a lot. I was bored so I finally tried to explain the reasons each song is there. Granted some only have a sentence or two. Not everything needs a giant essay response. Warning though, talks of abuse do take place.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLT9aIxp8n042hnvTQMd7vOTVJp2utaZwp

1: Beim Ersten Mal Tuts Immer Weh / The First Time Always Hurts -Just one last time please be nice to me Come over here Just be nice to me and come and sit beside me here Just one last time please be nice to me Come over here One more time again Come on give me just a little bit now Come on let me have a final kiss now Come on give me just a little bit now Fool me please just one more time again -I wanted to start Preacher's playlist with something surprisingly dark rather than edge into the darker parts later on. So Preacher's trauma is right in the listeners face and how in a fucked up way he still misses someone that really fucked them over. -Especially with the last bit of the song "Why don't you want me no more?" Bishop would often ignore him as punishment and it would fuck with Preacher's head a lot and how he just wanted to be in his good graces again.

2: For Your Entertainment -I call this one of his "mask" songs. How Preacher often tries to appear to people. It also ties in a bit with how confident he felt in the past when Bishop was around. I wanted to counter the "wtf" start of the playlist with something boppy. Since once Preacher catches wind that someone is figuring out what happened to him, he's all lies and glamour to distract people from talking about it.

3: You Think You're a Man -I kinda wanted to include this song because the listener would have trouble figuring out "Okay is Preacher singing this or Bishop?"

4: Message in a Bottle -Catchy little song but it helps explain how even if Preacher made a bunch of new friends he still felt isolated due to having to hide a lot as a Tiefling. -Love can mend your life But love can break your heart

5: Mony Mony -I always pictured Preacher singing this with his friends. There's not a lot to say for every single song. I just wanted to get mood music for Preacher's gang of buddies.

6: Out There -More alluding to Preacher's lonliness and how Bishop also used that to have some sort of control over him. With all his friends, Bishops word really was the only word that had meaning / value to him.

7: Medicate -Yeah Preacher's coping mechanisms weren't the healthiest

8: A Penny for a Tale -Mocking the greedy? Say no more

9: Goo Goo Muck -Lore wise I always pictured Preacher making this song up on the spot to entertain his friends

10: Lost Boys -While this song is about vampires I just felt it fit still with Preacher and his buddies. His playlist early on covers a lot of that part of his life.

11: The Rocky Road to Dublin -Yet more "Just singing with friends"

12: Zydrate Anatomy -I mean lorewise he did deal in drugs both real and fake in his mid teens so I wasted no time getting this song onto the list.

13: Open Your Eyes -More mood music to his early teens. Trust me I'll have more to say with other songs

14: Back and Forth -This song screams Preacher when he's scamming people to me

15: Drinkin with Jesus -At first I picked this one because cmon. A Tiefling called Preacher , a song called Drinkin with Jesus seemed perfect. Then I realized "Oh shit the lyrics fit". A lot of the time Preacher had to be completely alone to show just how messed up he was back then even before his assault.

16: Feel Good Inc -A lovely mix of isolation, "The world is corporate bullshit" , and more. You damn right I'm putting this on the list.

17: The Cave -Timeline wise this is a bit of a jump into the future where Preacher is in another down mood and tries to recover from it. -But I will hold on hope And I won't let you choke On the noose around your neck And I'll find strength in pain And I will change my ways I'll know my name as it's called again -That last lyric always made me think of Preacher actually maybe someday going back to using his birth name. Berlyn. And just finding his own identity again. Away from Bishops shadow. This would be around the time he grows his trademark purple mustache. It's a small decision but it was still an important decision since Bishop used to even control how he looked.

18: Devils Dance Floor -CMON. DEVILS Dance Floor. Perfect Tiefling music. I also wanted something to pick the mood of the playlist back up a little after that dip.

19: A Touch of Evil -Aka the most metal "Gay pining" song I'm aware of. The playlist takes a turn of "But I want his attention so bad" and how he wanted to be in a proper relationship with Bishop. Teenage hormones are rough so I'd imagine they'd be double rough as a Tiefling.

20: Skills in Pills -More showing Preacher's distructive habits and drug selling. I wanted to avoid putting Rammstein on the list because it'd be predictable as fuck. So I settled with Lindemann.

21: Jigolo Har Megiddo -Preacher playing up the whole "I'm made from demons" thing for flirty singing.

22: Come Out and Play -And we jump back into more "street punk shenanigans"

23: You Look So Fine -More pining and angst. I really liked sudden dips in mood with this playlist. Like his outer walls are cracking and you're getting peeks at the sensitive stuff going on in his head.

24: I Wanna be Yours -Even more pining because I'm an asshole

25: Sleeping Powder -I wanted something comical to again lift up the mood of the playlist so this song was perfect. Just that "I'm back! Where are we going?" makes me think "Okay I'm done being sad, wait what are you guys doing today?" Also the faint "broken" from 2D in some parts of the song were fitting.

26: Sandmann -Preacher's super protective of kids so this was perfect

27: Deleted this one, moving on.

28: Breaking the Habit -One of the  many times Preacher TRIES to get out of his self destructive habits and loops but its left unknown if he got out this time or not. This song fits in pretty much any part of his timeline with Bishop. Adding more to the "loop" of abuse that will be talked about near the end of the playlist.

29: Unzerstorbar ( Indestructable ) -I broke my "no german lyrics" rule with this song but I HAD to. It's such a "FUCK YEAH WE'RE YOUNG AND INVINCIBLE" song that ends on a more quiet note that always made me think "Deep down they know they're not" -As a child I was - I was ahead of all. As a child I was cold and I figured out how much time I have left anyways, because I am indestructible.

I was cool - I was hard and I knew what's goin' on. I was clever and smart and have considered long, Why am I made of steel? What is the meaning that I am indestructible?

This world is so small, so much lesser than I. Super Hero - all alone. Whether I like it or not. Meanwhile, I ask myself: is there someone like me here?

30: Sympathy for the Devil -Again. HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT HAVE THIS SONG ON A TIEFLING PLAYLIST?

31: All I Want -I always pictured this song during a hectic chase either in the sky or on the ground. Preacher is a speedy boy so this was a good fit ( The fact that this song was in Crazy Taxi also makes me think of speed )

32: Action -I thought this fit the mood of Unzerstorbar and wanted to continue the vibe

33: Hit That -More chaotic city vibe music

34: Down the Rabbit Hole -I wanted to include Adam Lambert again since he's early in the playlist.

35: The Heart of the Riding Man -I blame Fennah for getting me into this song. The lyrics were just such a fun match. Preacher might be a Tiefling. But Bishop will always be the "Devil" in this song. -Oh the heart, the heart of a riding man Scarred and cut himself from the devil he ran Oh, from the devil he ran

36: Komm Zuruck / Come Back -DID YALL WANT MORE PINING? Well it's back and much more chaotic this time. -I've missed you long enough asked myself, where exactly you are and if you still bite your nails we planned everything perfectly with false papers and well covered and then suddenly you did it on your own account.

I've had enough, get me out of here don't give up on me now.

Wherever you are (wherever you are) oh, I'm with you Whoever you kiss (whoever you kiss) oh, I forgive you Make your way (make your way) and then release me come back, don't make me wait

37:  Sick Boys -Imma be real with you. I'm a slut for Social Distortion so I had to include SOMETHING with them

38: God is a Popstar -One of the first songs I put to this character and it's still such a perfect fit with the religious stuff in Preacher's story. The video is even nice as a helper because you could imagine Preacher is in the place of Jesus here. All dolled up then thrown away.

39: Applause -More flashy "haha nothing is wrong I just want attention" songs since Preacher is a greedy mother fucker when it comes to attention.

40: Trust Me -This is getting to the important part of the playlist. His relationship with Bishop was toxic as fuck. Preacher also did lots of things he didn't want to but the reward was Bishops attention. So with the previous song and this it really shows the leftover effects Bishop had on him. Preacher is one hell of a good liar thanks to Bishop. So in a way. He does have the risk of becoming someone elses Scorpion. Those mental walls I mentioned earlier are breaking at this point.

41: Fireflies -The sad truth that Preacher still misses and thinks about Bishop. The lyrics here are meant to really tug at you as Preacher's barrier is crumbling at this point. -If all you ever get from the sonnet is the count of the fall of man Every call and cost made to your heart You were in the kind of game that put the force in me I was ever chasing fireflies -Sometimes I follow a firefly He takes me into the night Baby, I just survive I got drunk, I'm sorry Am I losing you? Sometimes I follow a firefly He takes me into the night Baby, I just survive I got drunk, I'm sorry Am I losing you?

42: Prison Sex -Probably the most important song in the playlist. I wanted that earlier darkness to come back full force now that the listener is at probably the most vulnerable part of Preacher's head. It's disgusting and that's the point. Preacher finally fully admits to himself about his rape. And the song implies he has a huge risk of continuing Bishops cycle of abuse. Both the abuser and the abused have lyrics in this song.

43: I'm Not Jesus -This is sort of like Preacher is finally saying "No FUCK THAT. I'm not like you." This song is also about abuse so I wanted to include it. He's angry at this point and finally fighting back in his head.

44: You're Gonna Go Far, Kid -In my head this is Preacher sort of mocking himself and his skills at lying

45: Lone Digger -I wanted another song to help "lift up" the mood again since this playlist has a lot of ups and downs.

46: Money -I thought the lyrics were fitting for this part of the playlist

47: I Don't Care -Mood gets a little somber but in a more beautiful way than flat out heartache or suffering. A little more of Preacher rebelling finally against Bishop

48: Creep -But in the end all his rebellion eventually leads to him being depressed. Bishop is gone from his life at this point. But he's clearly still lingering in his head. No matter how much he tries to ignore it.

49: Souk Eye -The finale where Preacher admits he'll always have Bishop in his thoughts even if he also knows damn well to never deal with him ever again. Even if sometimes it hurts like hell.

I wanted this playlist to be able to go  on a loop and make sense. His moods are often on a cycle of "Fuck yeah I'm awesome! Fuck you Bishop!" to "Dammit we could have been so good for each other in another life wtf" It just repeats and repeats much like how people repeat their own cycles after trauma or abuse.

[grownups-are-the-real-monsters]

Jonesy/ Beav pleaseeeee & you already know what song I want 👀

Thank you!!! AND here it is!: ‘Last Worthless Evening’ by Don Henley!! 

(Send me a 🎧 with a number from 1-100 and i’ll write you a ficlet using my corresponding spotify wrapped song as a prompt. You can send any of my listed ships!!)

Time slowed at Jonsey’s place. It always felt as if he was slowly submerging himself in a hot bath whenever he spent time there and he’d never been good at relaxing. He much preferred the louder company of his good ol’ suburban neighborhood when he was right on the front-lines; movie-like comfy home and all. It was there that it never felt like he was the center of attention or like he didn’t fit in.

And out in the yard, green grass grew which would soon become his responsibility to trim. He could enjoy friendly greetings and interactions that allowed him to enjoy a limited small community while not overdoing it or being in total isolation, as this lonesome place felt. Derry was best experienced on a flourishing summer block filled with familial neighbors..it was a view that Jonesy’s sleepy and boring building could only dream about. Because Derry seemed much more horrifyingly lonely in that damn building...

Jonsey had spent many moments of his time there missing the company of someone who loved him. And then spent the following moments hating himself for creating a situation in which he had to experience losing that. He spent far too long thinking he could continue on with a situation that would only serve to slowly kill the both of them just for the sake of ‘playing house’. 

But the idea of losing Carla scared him to death. So he’d attempted to live the lie to keep her. Which only made it so much worse. 

The relationship hadn’t always been totally miserable but Jonsey credited that to the fact that it was just great to have a good friend living with you. Only, viewing your wife as just a good buddy and not someone you’re in love with...well, that was not a good sign. So ‘No, it hadn’t always been miserable. Yes, we did look happy, didn’t we?’ were things Jonsey had to speak to the likes of his old neighbors. It wasn’t miserable but it had been doomed from the start. 

It didn’t really tear him apart to have lost Carla, a little over a year now. It had torn him up to realize he could never be satisfied with her. 

The bar was smoky and full of people that Jonesy thought looked pretty chummy with each other. Derry didn’t have much in the case of fine dining or drinking but the familiar faces of your best friends older brother or the town dentist chugging mugs of good beer...that warmed your stomach. 

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Beaver sank his teeth into the wood of his toothpick and enjoyed the comedy stylings of George Pelsen who was truly a dive-bar champ. The greasy deck of cards the bunch of them used to decide who’d be paying for their draft Millers were dumped on the table and sprinkled with peanut shells. 

Kent and Sean were particularly enthralled with whatever bull-shit George was feeding them but Beaver was not too fond on that puff and blow. No, he was sorta searching for a different kind of blow tonight...

Only, as his eyes scanned the place, he found a familiar face which cascaded the most genuine sense of happiness and nerve-wrecking joy.

From behind the crunch of another peanut, Kent chuckled in that odd horse-laughter he had. Which didn’t bother Beav in the slightest, in fact it was one of the reasons he hung out with the dude. He enjoyed shit and laughed it out. “You got an eye for the red-head, Beaver?-”

“Lucky you’s. There’s actually some chicks in here who look up to no-good so you don’t have to make it to some dude.” Sean smiled and tapped a stack of cards against the edge of their table. 

The Beav rolled his lips and let himself smile, pulling out a fresh toothpick. “Oh yeah, huh?” He truly didn’t mind the dim-wits inability to comprehend that his bisexuality was not born out of convenience. Having to ‘make-it’ with guys only when good lookin’ girls weren’t near. No, his bisexuality was born with him...fresh from his mother and all covered in red goo. 

It just so happened that he realized what he identified with a little later. Laurie Sue had claimed to be a tad bit intimidated by what she called ‘Beav’s large playing-field’. Laurie had been a great gal but marriage didn’t work for either of them. 

How lucky, right? Baby-Green (Was that really a color, he wondered? There was a baby-blue & baby-pink?) invitations which read of a wedding for ‘Beaver & Laurie Sue’...didn’t scream everlasting love. 

Pelsen and Sean craned their necks and got a couple of chucks in there too. 

“It’s not like that right now, anyway. I just think I know that guy.” Beaver almost chuckled himself at the word ‘think’ because he definitely could call Jonsey from a mile away. He pitched a spare peanut into Kent’s mouth and shuffled out of his seat. 

Since the man got hooked up on his relationship with his wife, Jonsey pulled from their friendship. Not so much with Henry and Pete, who the guy still remained in constant contact with. Just Beaver. It was not something Beaver caused trouble about though it did sting a little because if there was a reason for it, he had no clue. Pete and Henry did their absolute best to make-up for the odd dynamic change. 

Beaver shoved the next tooth-pick between his teeth and pushed his chair in with his hip. “Don’t go crazy savin’ my seat. Might not be back for a while.” He wiggled his brows but the gang didn’t quite get it.

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:

“Jesus-Christ-bananas.” 

Jonsey turned around on the spinny bar-stool that he liked so much and faced one of the best damn friends he’d ever had. 

“It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” Beaver tugged up a seat and sat upon it like a cowboy on a horse, legs spread and wiggling with excitement for the ride. It killed Jonsey when he realized that yes, in fact, it had been a while. Basically since things got kinda rocky with Carla...

“How have you been, man? Seriously? I can’t get much from the other idiots-” The Beav laughed. “And I mean...not that this ain’t good company-” He glanced around the dive and sighed.

Jonsey coughed and swallowed some more of his drink. “I’m ok, Beav.” He nodded and wondered how the hell he wasn’t supposed to just fall-apart in the Beav’s company? The man just radiated an energy so welcoming and warm that just came naturally to him. The Beav always felt like coming home...the opposite of Jonsey’s shitty apartment. 

“I don’t buy shit for a nickel, Jonsey.” Beaver’s voice turned soft and genuine, which was rare. “Breaking off...-you know, a relationship like that? It doesn’t heal easily. Laurie Sue and I were like three years ago but it...-I know it can be difficult.” 

Jonsey frowned. ‘Shit for a nickel’ he liked that one, was it new? Did it grow over their absence of company? 

“It doesn’t much look like you wanna be here. Trust me, I know that feeling. I walked around that block. Still walkin’ it.-” He gestured behind him at the table he’d risen from. “And it’s not quite the riot it would be if it was a Derry block. Nah, that shit is...lonesome town or something like that...you get the point.” Beaver giggled but it didn’t reach his eyes. He just looked soft. 

Jonsey chocked up a little and tried to conceal it. “I’m sorry, Beav. About us. I haven’t reached out to you in a long time. I feel like such an asshole-”

Beaver gave him the dopiest grin, like it truly was a wonder that Jonsey could ever think he was mad at him. It gave him a rush of that whimsy feeling. The kind especially reserved for The Beav. Maybe that had been part of the reason Jonsey had isolated him. 

“Shut-up, man-” ‘He hadn’t said a word’ “It was a shitty thing to do, admit it.” 

“Maybe. Maybe not. Depends on the reason.” Beaver rolled his toothpick to the other side of his mouth and it was then that a horribly amazing thought occurred to Jonsey. 

“I couldn’t ever love Carla. No matter how hard I tried.” He took another drink. “But..I think we were driving up to-yeah, yeah-” he nodded to himself, his memories suddenly coming out of a long since buried closet . He pushed his drink away and cleared his throat.

“-To Roberta’s to see or buddy, Duddits. And it was one of those days where the sky was that shade of blue that you adore. And you kept commenting on it, pointing and smiling like it was so important to you. Saying it was a sign that we’d have a great day and you were just so damn excited to see Duddits and Roberta. And I was laughing because it seemed kinda funny to me.” He squinted as the scene painfully played back in her head.

“But I realized just then that I wanted to be there to see every moment you were that happy. And I hoped more than anything in the world that I made you that happy...I just figured it was a self-conscious friendship thing.” Jonsey laughed. 

Beaver swallowed. 

“I broke it off with Carla because I’m gay, Beaver.” He nodded and felt some relief fall from his shoulders. “And maybe I pushed you away when things with Carla got serious because....” He waved his hand about and vaguely in Beaver’s direction. 

Beaver’s eyes widened. “Jesus-Christ-bananas. Derry has never needed anything more than a good chuck of genuine romance, Jonsey-” He slapped his hand to his chest. After a moment of exaggeration, Beaver looked down with some nerves of his own. “Would you like to talk through some shit this evening with someone who really fucking loves you?” 

Jonsey laughed, head going back. “Yeah. I’d love to.”