#anyway i'm doing this instead of working on commissions even though i need medicine money lmao. can you tell my brain is trying to ruin me?

[mysandwichranaway]

i got something half decent out of my brain!!!!

[finsterhund]

I'm feeling slightly better than I was yesterday.

I bought stuff for Spot with the last of my money to cheer myself up, as I'm getting paid in two days.

One of the Spots I ordered arrived and I gave them a bath.

Got chicken strips and potato wedges.

I'm still extremely upset about the news from yesterday. I'm trying not to take it personally but saying "I hated doing commissions" and me being his primary commissioner, getting one almost every month, has made that hard.

I guess this means I shouldn't obsess over one friend and their art and should try being closer to multiple people and being a supporter of multiple artists.

Every time I get too attached I always end up getting hurt because I'm too clingy.

But as I said, finding that sweet spot when it comes to artists is very very difficult. All the good artists who aren't creeps are so popular that getting a commission slot is impossible.

This year has just been "the year of distance" and it sucks. Everyone being distant in real life due to the virus I think is normalizing reclusion even online.

I tried to shower like a non disabled person today and guess what? I bruised my horrible little nasty sternum by falling. It feels kinda weird now and hurts. It makes me think more about whether I have wires around it or not. The bone would have grown around the wires right? Hopefully it's just bruising and it's not like, extra delicate because it was at one point in two halves, so it broke. Baby bones are basically cartilage so it would have grown properly right?

I know nothing of medicine.

So I'm sticking to baths unless I want to get a shower chair. Only issue is there's no space for one.

Our slumlord house owner was going to raise our rent but can't because of the virus. That's some good news. Hope it stays that way. We're already paying way too much for what we get here.

I had a pretty bad breakdown last night but tonight I'm not feeling that. Still really sad about recent events though.

Actually befriending artists is really hard and a big issue I have with finding artists online to commission is I prefer them being my friends as there's a level of comradery and understanding so ehhhhhh. I had several people do art fight attacks for me this year out of the blue so maybe I'd be able to network and become friends with other artists but that's so hard for me. My friendships pretty much are lightning in a bottle rare events that brought us together. I don't actually know how to intentionally make friends.

I wish Fishy had more free time and Shynox and Lili and Arti came back. Oh well.

I found out that the camera I wanted to get for when I finally get my service dog doesn't save photos digitally. It sucks because I really wanted to have a modern instant camera that also had an SD card for the photos as backup but nope. The new Polaroid doesn't do that. It's just a regular old style instant camera. No digital features. I'd dig that if the saga of the Spot photos and the ongoing search for a place that still develops negatives didn't force me to get with the times and acknowledge for once in my life that "digital is the answer"

So instead I'm helping my friend buy his camera and he'll be taking photos for me. I'm sad because after my first digital camera broke I wanted to get a new one but finding out that the one I wanted didn't do what I needed it to do sorta just made me give up.

The pet store where I got stuff for Spot had things on clearance. Everything I got was clearance. I also saw a glow in the dark collar but I just thought that Spot wouldn't like the material and that it would be something my future service dog would like and that made me feel sad so I left.

The quest for a very large stuffed dog that looks like Spot continues. I found a pattern that someone could make one, but do you know how to sew things? I thought not. Neither do I.

I'm excited for the OC release of Paper Beast even though I won't be able to play it. Gotta build my new PC but that means dealing with modern PC parts which is something I've been fearing. I know how to assemble modern PCs, but I'm so behind with the technical aspect it's hard. I don't want to just buy a prebuilt, that's a waste of money, but due to the virus, going to a local shop is out of the question too.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that I'm getting by, but that I'm not happy. I'm just sorta riding the waves wherever they move and hoping for the best.

I'm hoping my friend's new camera will be good for photos of cuddle clone Spot and also my HoD collection.

I've got some ideas for commissions though. Just don't know who to commission lol

I've got one in the works now though. First one from an artist I thought was cool and is nice to follow. Seemed excited to work on my idea.

My friend made me this and it makes me feel happy.

Hopefully I'll have an easier time sleeping tonight than I did last night.

Maybe I'll try writing instead. But since my mood is awful we know it's going to take a dark turn.

I might try searching around for artists some more, especially once I get paid.

It's not the end of the world. I'm just hurt lol

Anyways, update done. Talk to you guys later.