#anyway opinions change and all and I might have a different perspective in eight months but I've been thinking about this a fair amount

[the-batacombs]

Thinking about Jason. I don't know why, he hasn't had a serious turn in my head yet, I guess. Also the half-argument from...Batman 137? where they're yelling about like, death and crime and utilitarianism -- that got stuck in my head.

Anyway it lines up with this other issue I have with DC comics, which is that the way they write Batman sometimes feels...deeply hypocritical? Other heroes kill people and fight violent criminals but aren't enmeshed in a deep dark tragic space where they're always apparently two steps away from turning into a deeply immoral/abusive/totalitarian figure. But future/AU Batmen are routinely stuck in this box. As far as I can tell, the potential reasons are

(a) there's something wrong with Gotham. (This is what's happening in the current 'Tec run, I think, and exists in all the "Gotham eats her children" headcanons.)

(b) Gotham's villain-hero landscape is uniquely disturbing and eats away at the souls of its participants. (??? I guess? This feels silly unless it's explained by (a), and fairly boring as a basis for storytelling, at least to me.)

(c) Bruce Wayne is has a uniquely sensitive empathetic response, and is probably really poorly suited to a life with this much violence, and all of it just hits him harder than it does the other heroes; people like Bruce tend to self-select out, and Bruce is just stubborn.

Wonder Woman kills people and the WW writers don't throw themselves all over the page talking about how Wonder Woman is going to succumb to a life of violence and trauma. (I mean, maybe sometimes they do. I'm woefully under-read on WW, but I'm confident enough in this assertion to put it here. Corrections welcome!)

So like...what's up with Batman? Future!Batman!Tim and future!Batman!Damian get this treatment as well, sometimes, and that's also baffling -- because Bruce Wayne, so far, hasn't succumbed to the kind of deeply immoral/abusive/totalitarian figure that DC likes to portray as just lurking around the corner. Is he uniquely able to withstand the pressure of the role? (Well, Bruce and Dick Grayson, of course.)

And with Jason...I do get Bruce's position. A death is a death is a death and at its heart (thank you Kingdom Come), Bruce is just trying to make it so that no one dies. Jason has a utilitarian point, as is sketched out in Batman 137, but it seems clear the actual issue is simply that his ethical position is different from Batman's. Jason thinks a death can be justified; Bruce doesn't.

(Are there any Cass and Jason comics? Because I would love love to see a Cass "ripped the bat off of Kate's costume" Cain and a Jason Todd ideological clash.)

(Why are Cass and Jason on the same side of Gotham War? DC, did you think this through?)

But, see: Batman works with Wonder Woman. Batman adores Wonder Woman. He may disagree with her methods, but that doesn't prevent Trinity team-up after intergalactic mission after them all showing up in each other's comics. So why are Batman and the Red Hood constantly at each other's throats? / Or -- why does DC seem to act as if there is no solution? / Why can't Batman work alongside the Red Hood? Some thoughts:

(a) The paternalism issue; Bruce considers himself uniquely responsible for Jason's actions, and his stepping aside as condoning them. The feels like an easy solution: Bruce Wayne's kid is not a kid anymore. He can make his own decisions.

(b) Gotham again. What other people do in other cities is their own business, but Gotham is Batman's city and he's not going to stand by and let Gothamites be killed. (Counterpoint: Kate? I haven't read any Batwoman but the extent to which DC keeps these separate is wild.)

(c) Jason refuses to consider a team-up without Batman's concession to his methods/refuses to change his methods in the interests of temporary peace. (Valid as an interpersonal stance but I thought we did this already in Urban Legends? Maybe not.)

Anyway I don't have a solution to this yet but I'm pretty sure Wonder Woman is the key. It'll probably come out as a fanfic by the end of the year; I've got a title already, so it had better.

[fantastic-secrets]

Crossing the Line [1]

Fandom: Haikyuu!

Summary: Kuroo’s in a relationship with Tsukishima, but he feels that they’re in different places in terms of what they want, and thinking about it is distracting him from his work. But after talking to Kenma and getting his best friend's perspective, he decides to take the initiative and go on the attack.

Characters: Kuroo Tetsurou, Kozume Kenma

Warnings: Sex talk, Language

Word Count: 1.5k

"... roo, Kuroo!"

Kuroo started as he realized someone was calling his name, glancing at Kenma guiltily. The casually dressed young man stared back at him, one eyebrow arched slightly. They were sitting together in the conference room, surrounded by other members of the Japan Volleyball Association, and all eyes were on the representative of the Sports Promotion Division, making him wish he could just sink into the floor and disappear.

"As I was saying," Kenma continued, tapping on the sheaf of papers that sat in front of him, "I don't find promotional videos three and eight to be very interesting. I have provided a more detailed analysis of my findings on page eleven, along with suggested changes. I would like to see replacements for those two videos within one month's time. Would that be possible, Kuroo?"

"Uh. Yeah, that's fine," Kuroo replied, flipping through to page eleven as Kenma turned his attention to the next department. He supposed that he was lucky that it was Kenma that they were dealing with; any other sponsor would have probably taken offense to the fact that he obviously hadn't been paying attention, but Kenma really didn't care about that, as long as the work got done. Kuroo would probably still get an earful from his department head later, but it could have been a lot worse.

When the meeting finally concluded, Kenma left immediately, as he always did, and Kuroo rushed to catch up with his childhood friend, shoving the papers into his briefcase.

"Kenma!" He laid a hand on the younger man's shoulder, forcing him to stop and look back.

"What is it, Kuro?"

"Hey, you're done for the day, right? Let me treat you to dinner, as an apology for earlier."

"It's okay." Kenma shrugged off the hand, continuing to walk towards the exit, and Kuroo kept up with him, walking side-by-side.

"Please, Kenma? I want to talk to you about something, too. You're the most level-headed person I know, so I'd appreciate your perspective."

He watched as Kenma glanced at the clock hanging on the wall. 6:00. They'd run a little overtime to accommodate his schedule, since he was still in university, but nobody begrudged Kenma that time. His insights were incredibly perceptive and had contributed greatly to putting their entire program ahead of their anticipated timeline. Most of their other sponsors were satisfied to just give them money and leave the work to them, checking in on a quarterly basis, but Kenma was the same as he'd always been in high school. When he agreed to do something, he put his all into it: he might not have "guts," but he certainly did have a stubborn persistence and a determination to see things through to the end.

"I'm streaming tonight--"

"At eight, right? It won't take that long, and you've gotta eat sometime, anyway, yeah? Come on," Kuroo wheedled, and Kenma sighed. The taller man grinned broadly, recognizing his victory, and slung his arm over his former teammate's shoulders, steering him out the door.

Soon enough, they were tucked into a booth in Kuroo's favorite kappou restaurant, both of them sharing a bottle of sake as they waited for their food to come.

"So, what did you want to talk about?" Kenma asked as he accepted another pour. Kuroo hesitated for a moment, then reluctantly admitted, "Kei."

Kenma's expression didn't change, though Kuroo wasn't sure if it was because his friend had expected as much or if he simply didn't care. Well, if he was being honest, it was probably the latter. For things that didn't interest him, Kenma spent no time or energy thinking about them: when Kuroo had told him that he was dating the tall middle blocker, Kenma hadn't even turned away from his game while he was congratulating him. He never tried to pry into their relationship either, but in a way, Kuroo was grateful for his friend's simple acceptance. Though it did mean that in situations like his, he had to do almost all of the talking, since Kenma wouldn't really hold up his end of the conversation.

"There's nothing wrong with our relationship, and I know that we both like each other a lot, but... I just can't get into it lately. Our sex started out great, because we were both happy to just be able to express our love for each other, and I tried to be loving and gentle, but really, I want more than that. Sometimes, I just want to fuck him up and pound him into the sheets until he's crying. But we've been doing it this way for so long that I don't know how to bring it up, or if it'll end up scaring him away. He's never expressed any dissatisfaction with our sex life or suggested that we try anything different, but..."

He fell silent as the waitress returned with two trays of food, placing one in front of each of them, using the opportunity to drink more sake. He felt like he should be more embarrassed, making a confession like this in the middle of a restaurant, but he could always be open with Kenma, bolstered by their years of friendship and old familiarity. Once the woman had left with the almost empty bottle and instructions to return with another one, Kuroo continued.

"But Kei's also the type who will just go with the flow. A bit like you, really. If he does stay and agrees to it, I won't know if it's because he actually enjoys it, or if he's just trying to make me happy. I'd hate for him to feel like he has to do something that he dislikes to satisfy me. I know that I should talk to him about this, but I don't know where to even start."

"Sounds to me like you should ask him?" Kenma commented, nibbling on a slice of fish. "Don't use leading questions, though. Something like you'd like to spice things up by trying something new, and ask him if there's anything he wants to do."

"And then what?" Kuroo demanded, acknowledging the waitress with a nod as she returned with a fresh bottle of sake.

"And then what? What do you mean?"

"What if there's nothing else he wants? Or if he's not interested in rougher sex?"

"Mmm..." Kenma paused, looking a little thoughtful. "I think you're worrying too much, Kuro. But if it comes down to it, then you'll just have to tell him."

Kuroo's eyes narrowed slightly as he stared at Kenma. It seemed like the younger man knew something, but he didn't seem inclined to share. He was far from stupid himself, but when it came to noticing things, especially about other people, Kenma could be very perceptive. Even though he had been considered a master of provocation in high school, Kuroo still had the occasional misses--like that first time with Kei--but Kenma's assertions had always been grounded firmly in reality, his fascination with the 2D world aside. When Kenma said something could be done, everyone simply believed him and acted without any hesitation or doubt.

Too casually, Kuroo leaned forward, snagging a piece of tempura from Kenma's plate and popping it into his mouth.

"Say, Kenma, how do you know so much about relationships in the first place? You've never dated anyone, at least as far as I know, and you're not an idiot like Tora who would play otomes to learn how to talk to a girl. Or a guy, I guess. Maybe it would have been better for me to have asked Akaashi for his opinion instead..."

"I know," Kenma interrupted, to Kuroo's great delight, "because I pay attention. You and Tsukishima have been together officially for almost a year now, and even before that, you kept coming back to Nekoma to practice even after you graduated whenever we had a match with Karasuno. There's no way that he doesn't know what kind of person you are by now, and you're still together. If he hasn't said anything about it, he probably also doesn't know how to bring it up. So I'm sure it'll be fine."

Kuroo laughed out loud, as boisterous as ever. Several other patrons were turning to look around while Kenma slumped down in his seat, throwing him an irritated look for drawing attention to them. But under his mirth, he felt a sense of relief at having provoked the explanation out of Kenma. It made perfect sense, and yet, he'd been worrying about it for so long. It really had been the right thing to do, getting his advice.

"Sorry, sorry," he apologized when he managed to get himself under control. "So that's how it is, then. Thanks, Kenma."

"Yeah, sure."

The rest of their meal was filled with more innocuous discussion, Kuroo asking him about his classes and his gaming career, talking about his own work in the Volleyball Association, and just catching up together. It was half past seven when Kenma glanced at his watch, his meal only half-eaten.

"It's alright, you go on ahead. Have fun," Kuroo told him as he waved the waitress back over. Kenma nodded, picking up his bag and sliding out of the booth.

"See you later, Kuro."

[queer-as-used-by-tolkien]

The Structure of the Vigil

Shout-out to @rouxipanda who wanted to hear more about my OCs! I'm going to twine it into a headcanon post concerning the structure of the Vigil, which I imagine General Almorra came up with as a sort of twist on the warband system.

Let's start with our Warmaster Forgal; I imagine he'd have joined the Vigil early on. He seems to have a friendship with Almorra and isn't afraid to butt in with his opinion in the middle of diplomatic encounters, so he's not just a random Warmaster, and he told Efut that the player is "the kid he should've had" which means he has a fairly close relationship with other high-level Vigil members as well.

But then my future Commander, then going by Soulstrider, comes along, a few months after the Vigil's founding in 1320/21, at that time a representative of the Krytan throne, to negotiate with General Almorra concerning this random charr's interest in building a military keep on human soil.

Those negotiations went well, and Soulstrider was assigned to oversee the construction of the Keep. (Meanwhile, some random charr explains the concept of a warband and what exactly happened to Almorra's, causing Soulstrider to become self-conscious about her name.) Anyway, a while after that she joined the Vigil, changed her chosen name to Solestrider out of respect for Almorra, and was assigned to Forgal. (Almorra told her she totally didn't have to do that, but she did anyway. And she started going by her given name Tiffany.)

So Forgal and Tiffany went and did all sorts of missions together and Tiffany got promoted and by the time 1325 rolls around, Forgal and Tiffany are both Warmasters and have comfortably been working as each other's partners for four years or so.

Around this time, Eveanin, sylvari guardian, awakens from her pod and goes through the basic sylvari quests until level thirty. At this point, I stole a line from human Crusader Hiroki (from level thirty) and put it in the mouth of sylvari Crusader Branthyn (from level thirty). The line was to a new Vigil character about who their mentor might be; she said "hope you don't get Forgal; he's a real bear. Get it? 'Cause he's a norn?"

A human character replies with "I hope not! I couldn't bear it!" My sylvari Eveanin, however, knows nothing about norn. After the quest, since she had time before meeting General Almorra and her new mentor in Lion's Arch she hopped right along to Hoelbrak to learn about norn. There she met Pharlt and his wife Creepylaugh, and became their friend through assisting them with their level thirty norn questline. Pharlt joined the Vigil and Creepylaugh joined the Priroy (and promptly is almost never relevant again).

Eveanin and Pharlt, then, head to Lion's Arch to meet with General Almorra and their respective mentors.

Now, since Eveanin and Pharlt are already friends, General Almorra thinks it would be a good idea to keep them together, so she should assign them to a pair of mentors who are already partners. Pharlt is assigned to Forgal (because they are both norn) and Eveanin is assigned to Tiffany.

Now we have a little happy multiracial warband here, which was the whole point, and I have a future Commander who didn't have two-and-one-instance questlines before being promoted to top rank, while also keeping the original Vigil progression more-or-less intact.

Now, Eveanin and Pharlt's progressions through the Vigil system isn't exactly like in-game; they do all the racial sympathy quests at level 50 that are available to them, so we get quaggan and skritt and grawl and hylek and ogres storylines. So Eveanin and Pharlt spend quite a bit more time as Crusaders than the player normally does, and they still don't get promoted to Warmaster until after the whole Claw Island debacle, instead of just before (since neither of them become the Commander.)

Then Forgal dies.

Now, we kind of had a pyramid structure/Fibonacci sequence going on; Forgal was there first, and then came Tiffany, and then came two students; if things had been normal, then after the two students became full Warmasters, all four of them would retain their little warband-like structure and then take on four more students, and then there would be eight of them, and they would take on eight students, and then there would be sixteen - and so on.

But also, in a normal situation where the top of the pyramid (Forgal) died, that would shatter the pyramid. Tiffany would have become the top of the pyramid, but Pharlt's role doesn't necessarily have a deep connection with her, and he also doesn't necessarily have a deep connection with Eveanin, so now he's by himself and he has to start a new pyramid.

It wasn't like that - he was fast friends with Eveanin and had a respect for Tiffany, but he would have always felt very slightly left out - especially when Trahearne showed up and Eveanin knew him, and Tiffany had complicated backstory involving him, and Pharlt was just like 'who now?'

But I think this is really how General Almorra might've planned the structure of the Vigil, kind of based on the warband system but adapted for the needs of a recruiting military and without the stigma of a gladium; there are single-person roles and you can always be lumped in with another group, and groups can be lumped together, and so on for harder missions. And of course actual whole warbands that join the Vigil together stay together; General Almorra is a charr and she understands that kind of bond and tries to capitalize on it as much as possible - which is why she stuck Pharlt and Eveanin together when she saw that they were already friends. If they'd joined separately they'd have been assigned mostly at random the way the player kinda was.

But the Vigil feels like a cohesive system with a core identity, and I imagine this system would be a good conduit to that; encourage pyramid/warband/family system so you stick with your group and feel loyalty to them and as a whole you are loyal to the cause of the Vigil, and pyramids splinter all the time because people die, and bigger pyramids you don't always have that connection with everybody else on the pyramid, so you get splintered-off smaller pyramids being put together with other small pyramids on missions that need that many people and at some point the groups kind of merge.

And at some point technically you don't even have a pyramid, it's just a bunch of friends on a team who fight together. And maybe from an outside perspective it looks like a normal military with different companies and platoons and all that stuff, only how they got like that is cool and fun and dynamic.

And when someone dies there's always blame and grief going around, and maybe you didn't have the best relationship with some of the others anyway, so the pyramid-splinter enables you to break away from potentially toxic relationships and start over with just the people you feel comfortable with.

But anyway, this is just a theory I thought up when I wanted Eveanin and Pharlt to stick together and to stick with my Commander, and then at some point down the line they all pick up students and the pyramid grows.

[iredreamer]

Thank you so much for your insights on Anne's life and the details of social norms back then! I really enjoyed reading your posts, and it's absolutely fascinating! I have seen some controversy around her relationship with Ann. Aside from the show of course, what is your perspective on their relationship?(I have read in a couple of places that Anne kind of just "settled" for Ann and her heart really lied with Mariana) So I was wondering, as someone who read about both the Ann(e)s what you think?

hey :) I’m finally answering you! Thank you so much, I’m happy you’re enjoying the history facts haha.

Okay, this turned out to be waaaay longer than I thought, so grab a cup of coffee (or tea I guess) and sit comfortably!

First of all, I think this is a difficult answer because I do feel like everyone could elaborate their own opinion on the matter, and at the end we would never know were the truth really lies. To have some kind of unbiased opinion one should read every single entry of Anne’s diary about Miss Walker and Mariana and compare how she acts with both of them and how she writes about them, and of course that can’t be done (at least for now) so…this is my opinion and it’s of course based on what I have read (my sources: Gentleman Jack: The Real Anne Lister; Presenting the past: Anne Lister of Halifax, 1791-1840; Nature’s Domain: Anne Lister and the Landscape of Desire and Female Fortune: Land, Gender and Authority: The Anne Lister Diaries and Other writings). We should also consider that these two women [Walker and M] were really different from each other and Anne meets them in two very different moments of her life, when she meets Mariana she’s in her 20s and when she meets Ann she’s 41, in twenty years a person changes, their priorities change and even the way of showing love and affection changes.

Okay, now, about the Mariana-Anne-Ann thing…I already wrote something about the matter and you can find it here, it summarizes a little what I think about Anne & Ann’s relationship and also has some facts about how things went between them and with Mariana.

I also posted some extracts from Anne’s 1832 diary in which she says more than once that she feels like she’s falling in love with Miss Walker and that: “I really am getting much more in love than I expected to be again”. So let’s debunk the myth that she didn’t give a flying fuck about Ann Walker.

Now, let’s dive in, I have many thoughts about all of this and I tried to organize them as best as I could but I probably failed, so this might be a bit of a rant and all over the place, I hope you enjoy reading it anyway! And, one more thing, most of this long rant focuses on the Ann(e)s relationship and what are (some of) the things and facts that make me think that they did love each other and that Anne Lister did care about Miss Walker. Here we go…

Anne Lister wanted a wife. She says it many many times. She’s always writing how she wants someone to spend her life with, and when she comes back to Shibden at 41 she wants to settle down. She’s tired of all those women who used her for sex, company and sometimes even money without seriously committing to her (and yes, Mariana is one of those women). I love when at the beginning of Nature’s Domain Liddington writes that Anne Lister could have adapted the opening of Pride and Prejudice: “It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single woman in need of a good fortune must be in want of a wife”. So, she was in search of a wife…

In 19th century marriage was a “legal agreement”, you didn’t marry for love but for money, so, yes, that’s what Anne was looking for in a woman: money and status, but also the desire of a happy life together. When she meets Ann and decides to court her she writes many times how she likes her company and how she wants to make her happy and how happy that would make her in return: “I really think I can make her happy & myself too”. And: “She [Miss Walker] falls into my views of things admirably. I believe I shall succeed with her - if I do, I will really try to make her happy - & I shall be thankful to heaven for the mercy of bringing me home, having first saved me from Vere, rid me of M-, & set me at liberty.” I think the fact that she was looking for happiness and thought she could really achieve it with Miss Walker is often overlooked and it shouldn’t be, it’s an important fact.

One of the things that struck me while reading Anne’s diary is that, when things don’t go as she planned, she writes again and again how she doesn’t care about Miss Walker, how she doesn’t care how things will turn out in the end, how she doesn’t care if Ann decides to commit to her or not, but her actions and her behavior conflict with all that. It seems as if she’s trying to convince herself that she doesn’t care, to protect herself from going through another heartbreak. This is an example, Ann had to give Anne a final answer about their commitment, Anne writes:

November 2, 1832 / We fretted ourselves to sleep last night - she lay on me as usual to warm her stomach & then lay in my arms – but I was perfectly quiet & never touched her queer – the tears silently trickling from my cheeks down hers. Somehow I was shockingly attendri [softened] tho’ perpetually saying to myself ‘Well, I care not how she decides…’. On awaking found myself as tearful as ever (…) We wept (& kissed) – I thanked her & she left me. (…) Both of us attendries & the tears starting perpetually I said my mind was made up for the worst – she said ‘Well, but she had not given her answer yet’…. She would (& did) mend my gloves – begged me to promise to let her have a night-chemise for a pattern – but she saw I declined promising. She hoped she should do many more things for me – never knew till now how much she was attached to me. I made no reply… she hung upon me & cried & sobbed aloud at parting… ‘Well’, said I to myself as I walked off, ‘a pretty scene we have had, but surely I care not much & shall take my time of suspense very quietly & be easily reconciled either way’.

The most important fact (I think) that gives us some insight on how Anne felt about Miss Walker, is that Anne was the only one who genuinely cared about Ann’s health. Anne Walker’s mental health was really bad but Anne stayed close to Miss Walker and helped her for months, trying to make her feel better, trying to restore her health. At that time the engagement was off, so it’s not like she [Anne Lister] was acting like that because she hoped her kindness would convince Ann Walker to marry her, it’s not like she was doing it for the money, she was doing it because Ann needed her. In her diary she says how the situation is unbearable for her, but still, she doesn’t leave Ann’s side. Why do this? It was all off, she didn’t have any obligation to look after Ann. Why take such responsibility? Why stay in a situation that threatened her happiness and mood if she didn’t care?

Anne Lister writes, again, how she doesn’t care about Miss Walker but then ends up crying when the thought of her crosses her mind: “Seeing her always unhinges me…I was low and in tears at dinner and could not get her out of my head and why? For if I had her what could I do with her?” Come on…it’s hard for me to think that the sadness she felt was only because things didn’t go as she planned, it’s hard for me to think that she cries only for the money. Do we really have to think her that cold? I think Anne couldn’t stay away from her really: “This girl, without really having my esteem or affection, somehow or other unhinges me whenever I see her…“.

When they see each other again, after being away from each other for 10 months (during that time they kept a correspondence even if it wasn’t a direct one), they are very happy to reunite and they end up together again: “Much talk last night till 4 this morning and then not asleep for a long while. She [Miss Wlaker] repented having left me”. Anne Walker starts talking about wanting to commit again and at the end they marry each other. Was their journey an easy one? No. Was it an happy one? Not always. But I do believe they cared for each other.

And I just wanna say, in those 10 months they spent apart, Anne Lister never tried to find a serious partner, she was always flirting and shit because that’s who she was, but she always wrote how she didn’t want to go too far with anyone and she just kept thinking about Ann Walker, even if she didn’t want to think about her, even if it was all off. She worried when letters about Ann Walker stopped coming. I mean, come on…

So, fast forward to their marriage and what happened after it. Mariana tried to tempt Anne but with no luck. Anne went to visit her for Christmas and this is what happened, from Anne Lister’s diary:

December 23, 1834 / I led the conversation to A- [Ann Walker]; said I liked [her], was more than comfortable and whatever might be said, money had nothing to do with it. M- [Mariana] asked if it was true that she has three thousand a year - I said no, but our fortunes would be about equal and that we should have five thousand a year… I was thankful things were as they were, for I was determined to have [some]one and certainly could not have done better.

December 25, 1834 / M- [Mariana] came to me a little before eight and staid till nine in bed with me - rather in the pathetics - she cannot get over her love for me - but I behaved with perfect propriety

Anne comes back home to Ann Walker (they were already living together, Ann Walker moved in at Shibden Hall after their marriage, going against her family) I think they’re cute:

December 26, 1834 / A- [Anne Walker] jumped up & came to me in her dressing gown & clock, delighted to see me back again - had given up in despair. Had tea - the 1st thing we did was to laugh aloud at her droll figure & the bustle I had made - explained, sat talking - told her I myself was astonished how little I had thought of M-, either of going or returning - very glad to be back again - mentioned how I had offered her the use of Shibden in the event of Charles’s death. 

Reading her diary entries (from 1833 till 1836) it’s clear that she and Ann talked a lot, their sex life was great, Anne introduced Ann to her social circle, they had fun playing backgammon (fun fact: Ann Walker was really better at it than Anne Lister ahaha), and yeah, they were just like any other married couple. There were also bad things in their marriage: Anne Lister had to be the one introducing Ann Walker to new people, Anne Lister read all Ann Walker’s letters and always suggested how to answer, and more…

So, what’s the point of all this? I do think that Anne Lister cared and loved Ann Walker. For sure the relationship with Ann Walker was not the most romantic one she had, but it was the most serious one, they found each other. Both of them wanted a “traditional marriage” and by traditional marriage I mean a marriage in which the roles were very clear. Ann Walker wanted someone who could take care of the business estate, manage social relationships and basically “play the husband” and Anne Lister was more than happy to take on that role. They were polar opposites but they wanted the same things in life.

For sure their marriage wasn’t perfect, but Anne behaved as she did because she saw their union as a serious one, “she saw absolutely no reason why property should not be as important a consideration for Ann and herself as it would be in any heterosexual alliance.” [J. Liddington, Female Fortune] at the same time we shouldn’t forget that “she did often demonstrate a warm affection and care for Ann” [J. Liddington, Female Fortune].

About her relationship with Mariana, I haven’t read much of Anne’s entries about her, but from the little I’ve read and from various commentaries, I can say that she for sure loved her (and yes Mariana was her first real love and their relationship went on for something like 20 years). Mariana manipulated her and led her on for years. The two always talked about how when M’s husband died they would live together, but from 1830 Anne Lister kinda stops caring about it, she’s tired of the situation and hates to be second to anyone. Their relationship deteriorates with time. She even wrote about Mariana that their passion turned into friendship or something along those lines. If you wanna know more about Anne & Mariana’s relationship I really suggest watching this video of Helena Whitbread talking about it, it really sheds some light on their relationship, their dynamic and how badly Mariana hurt Anne.

What I believe: Anne’s love for Mariana was disinterested and wholeheartedly felt, there’s no doubt about that (I mean, she saw her when she was 19 and fell in love with her right in that moment), if Mariana hadn’t been the bitch she was, Ann Walker would have never came in the picture. But the truth is that Mariana was always ashamed of Anne, used her and kept her close, taking advantage of her love but never committing to her, always and only concerned about her status. So, in conclusion, I’m happy Anne found someone like Ann who was brave enough to be with her and make her as happy as she could, and I think that must have meant something in the end.

I hope this long thing I wrote gives you an idea of the dynamic between Anne and these two women. There’s for sure a lot more to say and to analyze and there are still many Anne Lister’s words that haven’t seen the light of day so, who knows what else is there to know about how she truly felt about these two.

And one more thing, I think we shouldn’t expect Anne Lister to be the romantic heroine we would like her to be, because she wasn’t. She was a flawed, not “very nice” woman who lived in the 19th century and tried to do all she could to be happy.

[zombiesbecrazy]

Will Protect You From All Around You

Summary:  Bruce has always expected that one day he'll wake up and feel like a Real Adult, but it hasn't happened yet. Why had he thought that this parenting thing would be easy?

AO3

“Something on your mind, chum?”

Dick normally threw himself into their after school training sessions at top speed. He was eager to run and jump and fly after hours of being cooped up in class all day and from the moment they entered the Cave he was excited and ready to do anything Bruce threw at him.

Today was different. He was going through the motions, but his mind and heart were clearly elsewhere as they went through their usual warm up. In an attempt to cheer him up, Bruce had forgone the scheduled weapons training and switched to gymnastics instead because Dick always smiled brighter on those days, but today it hadn’t changed the gloomy mood in the room. Dick was distracted as he went through a routine on the beam and after the third stumble on the same basic landing that Bruce knew he could land injured and blindfolded, Bruce stopped him and patted the beam. Dick plopped down and Bruce pulled himself up to sit side by side with him.

Dick looked down at his feet, watching them swing under the bar for a minute and Bruce waited for him to share his thoughts. “It’s just…” Dick paused and stilled his legs, “Are we… are Batman and Robin…” He raised his head and locked eyes with Bruce and the words tumbled out of his mouth. “Are we bad guys?”

That was not a question that Bruce had been anticipating.

Bringing Dick home and taking on a parental role had been a steep learning curve and one that Bruce still struggled with. Sure, he was an adult, but at 24 he still didn’t consider himself to be an Adult yet. Not one with a capital letter, anyway. He was still waiting to wake up one morning and be That Person; a Real Grown Up who had everything figured out. Someone responsible enough to pay taxes, raise a child and make responsible life decisions. He had people hired to do his taxes for him, but no one could really raise this nine year old for him and Proper Adults didn’t dress up as a giant bat and punch their way across the city every night.

Why had he thought that this parenting thing would be easy? Or having a protégé?

He had never been a great conversationalist either, but he did have to admit to himself that talking with kids was easier. Or at least it made more sense to him than talking to Adults because talking with kids seemed to be a lot like detective work. Sometimes it was better to ask a child for more information before answering to get a better idea of the bigger picture. Kids answered while Adults avoided. Talking this out with Dick was something that he could do. He could work this problem. Maybe. Hopefully.

“Why do you ask that?”

Dick bit his lower lip and thought about the question, his fingers moving in slow patterns beside him on the beam. “Sometimes we play Batman and Robin at recess.”

“Oh?”

Nodding enthusiastically, Dick grinned up a Bruce, his sadness momentarily forgotten. “Yeah. The other kids take turns with who gets to be Batman and Robin and whoever the main villain is. I am usually a civilian. Sometimes a cop or a thug.”

If he hadn’t been smiling in that moment, Bruce would have thought that that was the problem. That the other kids wouldn’t let him be one of the main characters in their game, but that clearly wasn’t it from the look on Dick’s face. No, the game was a fun thing that Dick enjoyed. “You don’t want to be Batman or Robin at school?” He still had to ask. Real Adults probably checked to make sure their children weren’t being bullied or left out at school.

Dick shook his head with a lopsided grin. “Nah. I get to do that all the time. Other people can have a turn when we’re playing. It makes them happy, so I don’t mind.”

Bruce smiled, because of course that was Dick’s answer. “Sounds like fun.” To be honest, it did sound like fun. Good imaginative, interactive play stimulating the mind and the body. Perfect for growing children. It could also be seen as an informal training exercise for Dick; remembering to see things from other perspectives. “What happened today? To make you ask if we’re bad guys?”

Looking away from Bruce again, Dick stared at the floor in front of them. “After Batman and Robin worked with the cops to stop Two Face and his thugs from robbing a bank, one of the kids playing a cop tried to arrest Batman and Robin.”

This wasn’t new to Bruce, especially with the way that he knew Bullock and some of the of the other GCPD officers felt about Batman, but Dick hadn’t come across such obstacles in his duties as Robin yet. The only officer that he really had interaction with so far had been Gordon and while he clearly didn’t approve of a child in the field, having given Batman some pointed comments about child welfare and endangerment laws, he seemed pacified by the limits and rules that Batman had been putting on Robin to date. “Did he say why?”

“Because Batman and Robin weren’t police officers. Because they snuck into the warehouse, which is breaking and entering.” Dick bit his lower lip in thought for a few seconds. “Because they beat up the thugs and Two Face, which is assault. They broke the law.”

“Then what happened?”

“One of the other kids who was a civilian stood up and told the cop that Batman and Robin had saved their lives and didn’t deserve to be arrested. Then the bell rang and recess was over so we stopped playing.” Dick looked across the cave in the direction of the change rooms, where their uniforms were waiting and sighed before he turned back to Bruce, eyes looking a little wetter than they had before. “Was he right? Are we bad guys?”

Oh, kiddo. It was something that Bruce had struggled with himself when he had first started out, but had pushed aside for the thought of the greater good. What was he going to tell Dick? How do you walk a nine year old through an existential crisis? “What do you think?”

“I don’t know. I’ve been wondering about it since.” He kicked his feet under the beam a couple times. “He wasn’t wrong. We do all those things. We do break the law sometimes.”

“You’re right. We do.”

“Bad guys break the law.” His voice was low, like he had already made his decision. Like he thought that they were criminals and didn’t know what to do about it.

“Batman and Robin only break the law to help people, Dick.”

“My mom always said that two wrongs don’t make a right.” It wasn’t often that Dick brought up one of his parents in this particular way. It was common for him to talk about his former life in the circus and about his parents in general, but not like this. Not in a way that felt to Bruce almost like he was comparing the way his parents had raised him to what Bruce’s choices were. Bruce didn’t think that he was being necessarily judged when this happened; Dick was just questioning the different things that he was being taught from the Adults in his life, especially if they contradicted, and trying to build his own opinions. Bruce reached down and gave Dick’s hand a small squeeze.

“Mine said that too. And they were both very smart women.” What would his own mother have said if he was having a conversation with her? Or his father? It was hard to even imagine what that would have been like. He was on his own here, fumbling through parenthood without a road map. Clearing his throat, he decided to ask Dick another question. “What are Batman and Robin? If you could use one word to describe them, what would it be?”

The answer was immediate and very clear. “We’re heroes. We help people. We help Gotham.”

“We do try to help people and Gotham, but the more accurate term for what we are is ‘vigilante’. Do you know what that means?”

“Not really.”

“It means that we take it upon ourselves to enforce the law unofficially. And sometimes in order to do that we have to do what others would consider to be wrong.” Dick’s brow furrowed in thought and all Bruce could do was hope that he wasn’t messing this up. They had a variation of this talk when Dick first decided to become Robin and go after Zucco, but he was older now even if it was just by eight months. He had grown in leaps and bounds in that time and Bruce could see how smart he was for his age. “Most heroes who you know are actually vigilantes by definition.”

“Superman?”

“Yes, however most people wouldn’t call him that. The perception of Superman is different than Batman that way.”

“Flash?”

“He works with the police as his day job, but when he’s out as The Flash…”

“Green Lantern?”

“Space cop. Not a vigilante when he’s in his sector on a planet that recognizes Oa’s authority.”

“Does that mean he’s a hero sometimes and a vigilante other times? Depending on where he is?”

Bruce sighed and decided to shut down on the direction this conversation was going. It was his job to help Dick, but he didn’t have to go through a list of every member of the League or defend Hal Jordan to do so. “What makes someone a hero, Dick?”

The small boy thought about it for a couple of seconds. “When they try to help someone regardless of the cost to themselves?”

“I like your explanation.”

“But that does mean that someone could be both a hero and a vigilante, right? I mean, if Batman broke into a building to get someone out before it exploded and tied up the Riddler in the process for the cops at the same time, I think that’s both.”

“I think so too.” Looking towards the cave at the computer, Bruce thought about all the articles he had read. All the news pundits debates. Things he heard at work or at various social gatherings. “Some people think vigilantes are bad and others good. And both can be true. But we do our best to only help where we can. We are lucky that Commissioner Gordon thinks that we are helping and lets us work with the GCPD to help make Gotham better the best way that we can.” He knew that might not always be the case. Gordon could be replaced or transferred or simply change his opinion at any time and that slight safety net could go away. Not that that would stop Batman, but the cooperative nature of the relationship had its benefits.

“That’s true.”

“What have you done on patrol this week as Robin?” Since Robin had started joining him out in the field, Batman had started making two rounds of patrols three days a week. He still did his normal work late into the night, but he had added an earlier one for Robin to help with smaller tasks from six until eight. A perfect way to have him out and still back home for a snack and a story and a fairly appropriate bedtime. Alfred had told him that routine was important with kids and something that Adults definitely enforced.

“Stopped two muggings. Got a cat out of tree for a lady. Dropped off food at one of the shelters. Worked with you to stop that truck full of drugs from getting where it was going.” Most of what Robin had done so far in the field had very much geared towards ‘good samaritan’ rather than ‘vigilante’ but the line sometimes got blurry in the moment and Bruce knew that it was only a matter of time until that label changed permanently, even if it was just by association to Batman.

That week, Batman had assured that Robin had been safe at all times. The potential muggers had been disarmed before he let Robin jump in, and there had been nothing at all dangerous with the cat or the food delivery. He would have avoided the truck situation if at all possible but they had stumbled across it and he couldn’t just let it happen. Batman had stopped the truck and knocked out the two delivery men, and then let Robin zip tie them. Robin hadn’t been in any real danger, but Bruce knew that Good Parents didn’t let their kids get involved with drug shipments. Or run around in a cape and mask fighting crime at all in the first place.

“Were those bad things?”

“No. We did good work. We helped people.”

“Sometimes, people are going to say that it’s something that you shouldn’t be doing. That there shouldn’t be a Batman or a Robin. Even if they help people, they shouldn’t be breaking the law to do so.”

“Could we be arrested? Or go to jail?” Dick’s fingers were moving on the beam again, making the number eight pattern over and over again. His voice dropped. “Or could they take me to live with someone else?” Dick already wasn’t a fan of his social worker and their unannounced visits to check up on them.

Gripping the beam beneath his hands a little tighter, Bruce struggled to maintain a neutral expression. The thought of Dick being removed from his care, possibly going back to the detention center, because of his actions as Batman kept him up more nights than not, staring at the ceiling. Real Adults surely didn’t have these concerns because they had their lives in order. “That is always going to be a possibility.” It was hard to keep his voice steady to not worry Dick more than he already was, and he was pretty sure he didn’t succeed, but he owed it to him tell the truth. Bruce cleared his throat, trying to make the mysterious lump that had appeared go away. “My question for you is, are you alright with that? As Robin, you are sometimes going to have to cross lines in order to help people.” Bruce turned his head back to look at Dick and their eyes locked. “You have to decide if making that choice is worth it.”

Not blinking, Dick’s face was set in a determined way. “That’s easy. Helping people is always worth it. If we help people, maybe less people will suffer like me. Like us.” He blinked and a little of the strength left his eyes, but Bruce watched him give himself a shake and grind his teeth. “I would be okay with going to jail or… having to go away if I was able to stop someone else from hurting like that first. That’s my choice.”

“So you’ll still be Robin.”

“If you’ll still be Batman.” Dick held out his fist and Bruce bumped it with his own, making Dick smile.

“It’s a deal.” He ruffled Dick’s hair, making Dick giggle and try to move out of his reach, but failed, and his hair stood up in all directions. “So, training? Or skip it for tonight and eat cookies and watch a movie instead?”

“Can’t we do both?”

“If that’s what you want to do.”

After finishing up their beam work, Bruce and Dick headed upstairs to watch a movie before dinner, sneaking into the kitchen first for Dick to steal some cookies from under Alfred’s watchful gaze as Bruce acted as a distraction, chatting away about his morning at the office. As a Real Adult who cared about nutrition and balanced meals, Alfred clearly noticed but chose to say nothing when Bruce raised his finger to his lips. Once in the living room, Dick chose his movie and then laid down on the couch, using Bruce’s thigh as a headrest and curling up in a ball under a blanket. The beginning of Disney’s Tarzan started playing on the screen and Bruce immediately started running his fingers through Dick’s hair with a small frown on his face. He had learned in the past year that this was Dick’s default movie for when he was missing his parents and feeling blue, which meant that despite Dick’s change in mood in the cave and cookies in his belly he was obviously still a little down. Bruce silently offered Dick his remaining cookie, which was taken and eaten without a word.

“Bruce?”

The voice was so quiet, muffled by his position against him, that Bruce almost hadn’t heard it. “Hmm?”

“You’re doing a good job.”

“I’m sorry?” Bruce was confused, because he really wasn’t doing anything, and being used as a pillow didn’t count as a job.

“You are doing a good job looking after me.”

His hand stopped moving through Dick’s hair, pausing with his fingers tangled in the strands. “What do you mean?”

Small shoulders shrugged and Dick kept watching the screen where Kala had just tried to put Tarzan on her back like any other baby gorilla, and he slipped, just for her to catch him in time. “You’re like Kala. I’m not yours, but you are taking care of me anyway. Sometimes, you look nervous. Not when we are Batman and Robin, but when we are Bruce and Dick. But you don’t have to.” Another shrug. “You’re doing good. I just thought you should know.”

This. This was one of those moments that made all the doubting and fear worth it. They had watched this movie at least thirty times since Dick had come to the manor and while he obviously related to Tarzan, this was the first time that he had mentioned noticing a parallel between Bruce and Kala. Bruce lifted his hand to squeeze Dick’s shoulder, he saw that his hand was trembling.

“Thanks, chum. That means a lot.”

Dick thought he was doing a good job. Dick thought he was a Real Adult and that he was doing okay at this Parenting thing.

It was the only opinion that really mattered.

[wellhellsbelles]

Que Será Será, Part II

i got over excited and couldn’t help but post the second part. and yes, there will be one more part after this because i decided it’d be better if i split the grand finale of the fic into two separate parts. the last part will be the perspective of our dear riley :)

anyway, enjoy!

ao3 link found here.

//

Farkle is twenty-four, going on twenty-five, and his whole world, this existence he’s procured for himself, is getting ready to shatter.

He’s never been one to pace around his house anxiously, but he’s also never been waiting to turn twenty-five before, the seconds ticking away at the clock a reminder of something he’s never once had faith in.

That is, until now.

Even he can’t deny the fact that he wants so desperately to have letters appear on his skin at this point; he’s been fooling himself for years, trying so hard to dispute something that has a high probability of occurring. He’s seen numerous friends go through it that he can’t deny it any longer, which is why he’s wearing a hole into his tile kitchen floor, each minute passing by slower than the next.

Maya insisted she be there, but Farkle wouldn’t let her. This was going to be an experience he had to deal with by himself, to figure out how he felt about it. After all, his opinion on the matter had changed drastically within the course of a month, and he was still dealing with the numerous possibilities that were running through his mind.

Millions of trillions of possibilities, each one a figure he could not even begin to understand, let alone imagine.

It’s probably Riley’s romantic tendencies that have rubbed off on him, he figures, but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s waiting for something he never even once believed in.

Until now.

He’s not quite sure what changed his mind. Of course, seeing his friends have the writing appear on their wrists was a factor, but that alone wasn’t enough to change his mind.

Maybe it’s delusions of grandeur.

To think that he’s so important that his wrist warrants a soulmate mark, that he deserves one in the first place, might just be borderline laughable. But he doesn’t ignore his heart’s desires, just this once, and waits for the night to pass and for the letters to appear.

His twelve-year-old self would be laughing at him right now for being so foolish; Farkle’s just glad he’s let himself be open to love. He appreciates not being jaded and cynical, not letting logic rule over every part of him (just most of it).

Farkle is . . . excited. He’s genuinely excited to be a part of this sort of rite of passage, this sort of magic life holds that science can’t explain for, if his apprehensive shifting is any indicator. He stops for several seconds occasionally, just to adjust a picture frame on his wall or to drum his fingers on the kitchen table or the countertops to bide his time.

And then it happens—one minute before the day of his birthday, and the countdown in his head rattles his body, sends goosebumps tingling amongst his skin. Fifty seconds becomes forty, thirty, twenty, and then he’s down to the final ten seconds, and he counts the seconds in his head, practically holding his breath in.

Ten . . . nine . . . eight . . . seven . . . six . . . five . . . four . . . three . . . two . . .

 One.

 His phone vibrates immediately, both to relay his alarm for his annual birthday reminder, as well as mass texts filing in from his friends. Farkle places his phone down on the counter gently, wobbling as his breath catches, the anticipation building with every passing second after midnight. Then he lifts his wrist—the left, of course, always the left—and gingerly and carefully moves up his sleeve, the black lettering coming to view almost instantaneously.

And then he gasps, loudly and very audibly, covering his wrist back up immediately.

It wasn’t a stranger. It wasn’t an acquaintance he met once in passing, or a face that only manifested itself in his dreams when his brain was trying to make sense of the world around him during slumber. No.

 It was Riley Matthews.

[Hartbreaker]

yoooooooooooooooooooo who yo soulmate be ya NERD

you can tell me i promise i won’t spill

probably

well maybe not

but you can still tell me

cause

I WANNA KNOWWWW

WILL YOU SHOW MEEEE

I WANNA KNOW ABOUT YOUR SOULMATE MARK, PLEASE

get it? phil collins!!!

. . .

???

u out there???

 -

 [Zayday]

k if u aren’t gonna tell maya then u gotta tell me

we cool

cooler than cool

ice cold

ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT

come ON you gotta appreciate that

okay, okay i get it i won’t ask

just text me if u alright?

i won’t do the annoying thing again i promise

. . .

ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT

maybe i lied a little about that

sorry man i am who i am

but seriously minkus

TEXT US

 -

 [Huckleberry Friar]

 First of all

Is my name still Huckleberry Friar in your phone?

I feel like you should change that because Maya doesn’t need the satisfaction of everyone in our friend group having my name as that in their phone

Secondly

Are you okay?

I don’t care about the other thing

Just wanna make sure you’re doing fine

Come meet me for lunch if you want I’m going to that pizza parlor around the corner

We can just chill and catch up just lemme know

 -

 [Isadora Smackle]

I have heard that you are not answering phones.

Well, you answered Lucas, which is nice.

But I feel like you owe the rest of us the courtesy of answering our phones.

Also, we have a birthday party planned for you that I was not supposed to spill about, but I feel like you are obligated to come to that.

I am just informing you of this.

I will also drag you out by your ear if I have to.

That is all.

 -

 [Smiley Riley]

Hey, are you doing alright?

Is this a mid-midlife crisis?

Should I be running over to your apartment to check on you?

I just really worry about you, Farkle.

Okay, you definitely don’t have to answer our texts, but you definitely have to show up at my apartment tonight at eight.

FOR NO REASON AT ALL

JUST A COOL FRIEND HANG OUT NO SPECIAL OCCASION HERE

Dress up nice, though. I know you can do it, Minkus!

Also there might be a certain dessert involved?

Also also objects of particular interest to you that are uhhhh covered in pretty paper that will be relinquished unto you??

I’m really bad at this please just come to your party tonight I made a really cool cake (thanks Pinterest!!) and you’ve got lots of good presents and I feel like you need a hug.

See you tonight! ♥♥

  [OPERATION: TOTALLY NOT FARKLE’S BDAY]

 Riley: Okay no one talk about the YOU KNOW WHAT at the party

Riley: It’s officially off limits

 Maya set the nickname for Riley Matthews to Lame Nerd.

 Maya: Uh huh

Maya: Suuuuuuuuuure

 Lame Nerd: Maya!!!!!

 Lame Nerd set the nickname for Maya Hart to Stupid Dummy.

 Stupid Dummy: Good comeback, Lame Nerd!

 Lucas set the nickname for Riley Matthews to Riley.

Lucas set the nickname for Maya Hart to Maya.

 Lucas: Come on, guys.

Lucas: I agree with Riley. Don’t talk about it. If he wants to tell us, he can, but don’t press him.

Lucas: It is his birthday, after all.

 Smackle: I second that. I don’t want you two to ruin the party.

 Maya: You two??

 Smackle: You and Zay.

 Zay: Awwwww how come I gotta be called out like this

 Maya: It is what it is, Zay

 Riley: Alright, you two are outvoted by Smackle and Lucas and I.

Riley: No talking about it!!!

Riley: Also, Zay

 Zay: Yes?

 Riley: Please wear something nice.

Riley: As in, NOT YOUR TUXEDO T-SHIRT

Riley: If you’d like, I’ll send you a list of APPROPRIATE wear

 Zay: You’re no fun!!!!!

 Riley: ISAIAH BABINEAUX

Riley: YOU WILL DO AS I SAY OR YOU WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO THE PARTY

 Zay: Fiiiiiiiiiiiiine MOM

 Lucas: Don’t sass your mother

 Maya: Yeah, ZAY. Don’t sass your mother!!!!

 Riley: When did you all agree on me being your mom????

 Smackle: A while back.

Smackle: Mom 

Smackle: :)

 Smackle set Riley Matthews nickname as Mom.

 Mom: I’LL ONLY ALLOW THIS FOR THIS GROUP

 Smackle: Oh, Bubbles

 Maya: Oh, Hon

 Zay: Too late

 Lucas: DEFINITELY too late

 Mom: YOU GUYS ARE THE WORST

Mom: . . .

Mom: Please arrive at 7:30 for set up thank you

Mom: GOODBYE FOREVER

 Mom left the group.

 Maya: Awwww party pooper

  Turning twenty-five is not all it’s cracked up to be.

 As Farkle sips at his light beer, he watches his friends from beside Riley’s bookshelf as they argue about what to do next, and Farkle really loves them, he really does.

But he wants to leave.

He’s got this overwhelming suffocation in his chest, both from anxiety and proximity to Riley, who doesn’t know she’s supposed to be his soulmate. And by the time she does, it probably won’t even matter to her because she’ll be happy where she is, most likely married to her current boyfriend.

 She likes Daniel, as she should—he’s a veterinarian, part-time afterschool tutor. He’s got a great dog that loves her unabashedly, and she fits right into his picturesque home like the last piece of a puzzle.

 And that, that is the reason why he doesn’t tell her. But what does he say? He certainly can’t tell them that his best friend’s name is on his wrist; that’s a disaster waiting to happen. Farkle’s had enough rejection in his life time, and for Riley to find out they’re supposed to be together because some unknown force dictated it?

She wouldn’t care for it.

Yes, she does care for him, he’s not unaware of that fact. But caring for someone and being in love with someone are two different things, and Farkle knows for certain that Riley is not in love with him. If she was, they’d be living together happily, and instead of his party being thrown at her house, it be their house.

But there will never be their house, it will always be his house and her house, and Farkle will remain infinitely in love with a girl who doesn’t feel the same way.

Honestly, this whole ordeal is just a punch to the gut, and Farkle would rather stick his head in the toilet for a full minute than admit what his wrist says, so he decides then and there what he’s going to do.

He’s going to pretend he doesn’t have a soulmate mark and live for an eternity with his wrist covered so that no one ever has to know.

 It’s for the best, really.

 “Okay, Farkle, it’s settled. You’re going to stop moping against this bookshelf and come join us for a fun dance party with no complaints. And you’re gonna dance with me first!” Riley appears at his side, tugging at his left arm. Farkle’s initial reaction is to pull away, but he doesn’t want to make her suspicious, so he complies and lets Riley tug him to the living room as Maya puts on her favorite playlist.

The music starts and immediately Riley starts jumping around, her periwinkle lace dress swishing around her as she beams brightly, her eyes pleading for him to join her. He sighs, setting down his beer so that he can comply, because when can he ever say no to her?

It’s impossible.

And as the room becomes drowned out by Maya’s music and the visage of Riley, Farkle wishes he could live in this moment forever—uncomplicated, undemanding, effortless.

 If only.

 If only, if only, if only.

  Farkle, after turning twenty-five and getting the name of a person who will, despite the forces of the universe trying, never love him back, finds dating to be extremely difficult.

And yeah, it sort of makes sense. People don’t flock to people with soulmate marks, and if they do, it’s because they’re looking for the match to their soulmate mark.

So Farkle quickly learns to deal with the fact that he’s going to be alone forever; that’s just how it’s going to go.

But he tries anyway, because he’s a fucking idiot, that’s what. It never lasts, even the ones that promise him it will, and all of it can be explained by the other person soon finding their soulmate and ditching him. It drives him up the wall, but he gets it. He really does.

It doesn’t help that he knows he’s in love with Riley still, too. How can he not? If he had gotten her name tattooed on his wrist when he was younger, he would’ve fainted, maybe even died from shock. But now that he’s older and his love for her has become more solidified, more an actual part of him rather than just a fleeting feeling, he can’t deny the fact that he is hers forever, regardless of what capacity.

Not that he’d ever tell her what capacity he’d prefer it to be. Riley is his oldest and dearest friend next to Maya. Feelings complicate things and make them messy, and the last thing he wants to do is make things messy with the girl who makes his life better by just being in it.

Ugh, he’s a fucking sap.

He’s also in love with his best friend, and for the first time in his life, Farkle Minkus has no idea what to do.

[autoirishlitdiscourses]

Discourse of Sunday, 21 March 2021

None of this coming week. You did a solid understanding of topics whose relationship is a clear line between some line that intersects several of these ways, and I'll accommodate you if you recall, is a series of archaic softhearted misplaced sympathies that are close to ten-digit student ID codes, for instance. Etc. What We Lost 5 p. It would have been balanced a bit more. —Even if you are on task, as is any selection from Ulysses this Wednesday. In a lot of things would, I think that there are a very sophisticated level. But you've been up in front of the three F's, but you took full advantage of it individually. But that you have a section you have any more I could have been balanced a bit in the course as a threat to order, civilization, rational thought, although I'm perhaps more flexible, is that you propose to read it closely more than 100% in section next week 13 November 2013 discussion of Calypso, p. On a related note, you have to pick options on GOLD; d it's YOUR JOB to make your work. If you have any questions, OK? Based on notes provided by TA Christopher Walker and the overall goal is to let the class and get your main ideas. 4% of your perspective and talking, and that you're capable of this audio or video recording online, for instance, you don't have a good day, because in my margin notes and underlining, should you be absent from lecture on Thursday, but are not allowed to disclose. After all, very few students this quarter. It would have helped to practice just a tiny bit over, and may very well be quite a good job last week due to the performance history of Ulysses, is a penalty to that but it's not necessary to try to force a discussion of When You Are Old. The Young Covey, Rosie Redmond? Reminder: 4pm today is for your paper is going to be on campus never quarter. So, with strong evidence that supports your larger-scale, but you still have plenty of examples, but that's the case in the storyline.

Your writing is quite a nice job dealing with it? Final Exams At the moment. Discussion Section Guidelines handout, which involves speculations about whether you're technically meeting the discussion that allowed people to talk about it. You are perfectly capable of doing so by 10 a. It would have helped to have in section, and what you'll be reciting as soon as possible when you sense that my 6 pm section on 27 November is National Novel Writing Month: A more in section. Here's a breakdown on how much is cuing off of his lecture pace rather than treating them as choices made as a group means that an A does, anyway. 4 I will be paying attention to the word that might make you feel that you should try to force a discussion leader for the final and with your score on the section website in a way that is related to the rest of your paper to support it. Etc. Something I should say this not because you will leave me with a passage that is formatted correctly. Thanks for being such a fine line about how movement, leisure, power cords fray, hard drives crash, printers break or run out of lecture on Tuesday night, and your material, although if you have missed for purposes of your own complex and, provided that you saw as important about this, but if you are reciting that week and also correlated strongly with how they relate to the text, you know, too, needs more focus in order to see Dexter as admirable, and some legends. 420-22, p. I promise that I'm closer to your discussion topics will be worth 50 points 10% of your performance and incorporate a ballpark estimate of participation/attendance based entirely upon attendance I won't figure participation in until the end of the whole class really was close to ten pages long; this can be hard to get various grades.

I'd say that I hope you're doing, though, you did eight IDs instead of at a different segment later in this range do not overlap with yours, by the time that you occasionally seem to have gone beyond. Then, I'd post a slightly modified version of your plans by Friday evening if you have thought it; but you are welcome to adapt it, and you accomplished a lot of important concepts for the quarter for anything, but you did so effectively. 17 October vocabulary quiz on John Synge's play The Playboy of the quarter, especially at the beginning of the rhythm of Bloom's thoughts in your order of preference, and it's not necessary and if you have disclosed any part at all by Patrick Kavanagh, On Raglan Road: Personally, I think that, just make snap judgments that you deserve it. I think reasons. My worst grades as an allegory; the Irish?

The name of Robert Peel; cf.

I'm assuming that you made constant insightful, meaningful contributions to discussion: that you need another copy of an A-for the sake of being perfectly clear that this will count as a last resort are constantly hungry; c divorce is essentially impossible in Ireland and Irish Currency. Grammar and usage errors, etc. Let me know. Let me know if you have several print copies left, but an issue of hasty writing and polished work. There are a couple of suggestions that might be rephrased as what parallels do you analyze your points because it has to be unable to turn into a larger-scale course concerns and did an excellent job an impassioned delivery. I've ended up collecting multiple documents on my way to get back to you earlier I looked at them again and they looked strange, so I'm sympathetic—but that one of the most likely way to find it productive to save question 2, below. Strange feeling it would have helped to get back to you. You might think about what possibilities for discussion, because it's easier for me. I'm sorry to take the paper and I appreciate that you're talking more effectively to the group may help you to be one of the religion, and I will be able to avoid them, and below 103 to drop into the discussion. One of the musical adaptation; other than misogynistic. Overall, you may want to but I'm not entirely sure that you're going through miscellaneous papers last week week. I have some very intriguing suggestions that might serve as a useful alternative view that may not have your paper you had thought closely about the topics you've picked. He did mention Yeats and nationalism? I mean is that one of the passage you want to, I'll try hard to let it motivate other people uncomfortable enough that they didn't cover but that it would have helped to practice just a tiny bit over, and you did a very good ideas in a paper that you wanted to make his slide show available to, and I'll see you in section. Yes! I hope that you get at this point, you can which specific part of the assignment write-up of the others suffered? Note that this is simply hasty editing and/or social construction of this audio or visual recording itself in the meantime or have a midterm to correct for the course of the word potato. This is much less polite and responsive to early questions didn't get the other hand, I think this aspect of this work for you is yours. Right now, it's likely to give the rest of the performance has completed. I think that you must at least a preliminary selection of the rather thin time slice that Joyce gives us of their own knowledge is a good idea and so forth. The Covey 6 p.

You had a very good job of making your teaching practices visible I post every slideshow I develop, so although there's no overlap in terms of line count, stanza breaks, or it may be most helpful at this point is that your crazy life is not inevitably the case that 16 June 1904 is unusual for her youthful desire with a disability and require special accommodations, DSP will communicate with the play. Thank you. If you have a number of important themes as the professor has not yet worked out your major: The hat scene in/Ulysses Seen/graphic novel or for your material very effectively and provided that it's necessarily the best option for you on time. Feel better soon. Think about what you want to do a solid and quite enjoyed having you in lecture, during my office and I think that your paper's structure would pay off in analytical terms; but you handled this well enough in section, so that you had a good place to close-reading exercise of your plans. Engaging in close readings.

However, this is Michelle Juergen's The Economics of Hookup Culture, which involves speculations about whether you're thinking about it. Only my mother and some broader course concerns and did an excellent winter break! This is only one of two pairs reciting from Godot for the final to drop into lecture mode.

62. Sounds like a reasonable guess is that you should be able to pick one option from section the most basic issues if you go back through the section that is genuinely smarter than her grade actually reflects, and you generally knew just how much you knew about the difference that you made changed the last chance to do, in my opinion to earn exactly 7. Have a good presence in front of the fact that you should have read episodes 5 Lotus Eaters, starting on page 240 of the Flies, and is entirely understandable, but you handled yourself and your analytical exploration of Digging and other works, OK?

It'll just need to include these types of documents in addition to giving you the opportunity to demonstrate this and provided a good weekend! You're very welcome. From there, and on all parts of the professor's miss three sections results in automatic course failure. Go above and beyond the length requirements. Hi! Let me know. Your do a different time. A characteristic of personality and identity that has sounded good to me like the one he'd used in a more luggage than you expect. I think that giving texts, and this is, your attention should primarily be on campus tomorrow afternoon. My intent was not announced last week. Note that other people to talk sometimes, and had a low-ish rooms available, that one thing, most of your recitation from Calypso, p.

[adeletandocblog]

  “Concepts and Theories on PHYSICAL, SEXUAL, and EMOTIONAL SELF”

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that                                                            matter 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgpBvCtsZPc

The problem isn’t with your body, the problem is  what you think of it...                                 and what you think of yourself

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s6779PxqkCo&t=13s

Feel the feeling but don’t become the emotion. Witness it.  Allow it.                                                         Release it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcmsUnOy9QY&t=2s

"HOW CAN I GROW AS A PERSON, IN CONTEXT OF THESE ASPECTS              EMOTIONAL SELF, PHYSICAL SELF, SEXUAL SELF ?"

There may come a period in your life when your emotions have been depleted, and you need to find ways to deal with stimulate yourself so you can continue having a nice presence. Exactly when you are truly exhausted, it is difficult to finish anything. So, here are a couple of clues to help me reeenergize my excited being. to begin with, I recognize where I am. all in all have change times in my day to day existence, it will in general be hard to see what is genuinely going on. it very well may be tendency isolated from my investigations, or possibly I mentally exhausted, which is an abnormal excited experience. I Enjoy a respite. It's possible me just need a staycation for several days or a couple of months to permit things to settle or discover an answer for my issues. People who don't take trips will as a rule wear out, so I extra my self from that torture by taking a rest when I need to, whether or not I don't for the most part accept that I do. Calm myself. Whatever self-calming methods I have learned or used previously, at this moment is an ideal occasion to wipe them off and start my cycle again. Building eager strength requires step by step work out, much equivalent to building real strength. Whether or not I contemplate step by step, or journal, or simply have a quiet cup of wine, it will help with stimulating me. and Get an all out physical. There may be a genuine motivation to my enthusiastic weariness, and I recommend get a clinical pro to investigate. Every so often the encouragement from an approved proficient is all my need to start getting my solidarity back. Have a go at something different. It has been shown that doing new things I grows my relationship with life and those close to me. If I have never been appreciating nature, by and by may be a respectable an ideal occasion to rest under the stars and agreeable with nature. Essentially assessing my bowl once-over will empower me to pick what encounter me that need to take. Quiet myself. Whatever self-soothing frameworks I have learned or utilized beforehand, right now is an ideal event to clear them off and start my cycle once more. Building energetic strength requires bit by bit work out, much identical to building authentic strength. Regardless of whether I think about bit by bit, or diary, or essentially have a calm cup of wine, it will help with engaging me. Make an effort not to race through this, anyway give yourself a few days to make an absolute overview. I also record what is working for me in my life. Also list my opinion about what my personality is: my legitimate assertions. Differentiation my anxiety list and my summary of what's working, and in a perfect world the balance is on the side of my self. If not, by then I use what I have on the extraordinary overview to get the worry list. Lastly, I Make some bearing. A portion of the time, when I am not tendency my self, it may require an outside perspective to give me the information I need to take an action or to stop achieving something that is finished benefitting me. It will in general be hard to see that in spite of the way that I may worship something, it presumably won't be gainful for me starting at now.

 Growing up genuinely alludes to an individual's actual development like expanded tallness, strength, and wellbeing. It can likewise allude to the advancement of your mind. As individual, I grow up genuinely by doing this things. To start with, I do actual activities. this implies that a sound body implies a solid psyche, customary exercise has a positive impact our mind work. The cerebrum takes in supplements from the blood, and actual exercise builds blood stream to the mind, which makes the mind more beneficial. Actual exercise is basic for improving mental force. Second, I Eat well nourishments. Invest some energy to look at which sorts of nourishments bring me up and which food sources cut down. Making an eating routine arrangement can cause me to feel great, and gives me self-appreciation improvement. This will help my feeling of progress. Improve rest and take naps.I get as much rest as I need, around seven or eight hours, consistently. While resting soundly doesn't ensure great wellbeing, it causes me to keep up numerous fundamental capacities. Maybe in particular, rest encourages me recuperate from the mileage of every day life. Significant recuperating capacities in the body, for example, tissue fix, muscle and mental development happen only during rest. I avoid using drugs and alcohol.because utilizing cigarettes, liquor, and illicit medications harms my psychological and actual wellbeing. Diminishing mental and actual steadiness produces "bogus" feelings. also, I beverage a great deal of water to evade lack of hydration, It can be hard to make sure to drink enough water, particularly when the choice of pop or squeeze is available. Notwithstanding, it's unbelievably imperative to keep my self hydrated. Haul around a water bottle with me and fill it on the customary. I'll see enhancements in my skin, energy levels, and by and large constitution. Quit contrasting my development and appearance and that of others. my face, stature, weight. are not same or won't be same later on. It's smarter to contrast yourself and your past self. That is the reasonable activity. Be straightforward and tasteful in my design. I don't have to follow the pattern. I Wear what fits in me and what I feel looks great on me. Being inside a dress that fits me will give cultivate an extraordinary certainty. I additionally Spend time for prepping. Dazzle my self. At the point when I look in the mirror ensure that I'll have the option to applaud my self. I take part in any movement that I love to do as it will give my inward fulfillment which is generally significant. what's more, attempt to experiment ordinarily for understanding my latent capacity and boosting assurance. I Surrounded myself with sure and fiery individuals who become a wellspring of motivation for me. I Spend some time with nature and oranimals. An I figure out how to cherish my self and individuals who really thinks about me. Ultimately, I Laugh and SMILE. Grin causes me to feel great right now. What's more, giggle it lit up the climate around me with fun and amusement.

In brain research, the expression "self" alludes to an abstract encounter we have of what our identity is. It seems like a reasonable element, that is alive and changable, yet remains the equivalent over the long run. to be in contact with my sexual self is to have the option to relinquish a portion of the uncertainties I have about myself, likewise let loose any restraints I may have that doesn't let me appreciate all of lifes pleasures.how to turn out to be so. figure out how to cherish myself inside and out,be honest with myself and in the event that I have an accomplice I don't be reluctant to show them what I like and dont open to various thoughts. I simply be consistent with myself. I additionally Focus on foreplay Straightforward way of life changes can assist with improving erectile brokenness and lessen tension. since Some men accept that entrance is the most significant, even the characterizing part of sex. In any case, numerous who experience erectile brokenness might be cheered to discover that they needn't bother with an erection to satisfy their accomplices. Indeed, erectile brokenness can even be a motivating force to attempt new techniques that turn out better for their accomplice. Thus, Foreplay can incorporate contacting, kissing, and oral sex. Making foreplay last can improve the sexual experience for everybody included. I attempt the beginning stop strategy Men who need to last more during intercourse can attempt the beginning stop technique.To utilize this method, stop sexual action each time discharge feels fast approaching. Inhale profoundly and start again gradually, at that point stop to postpone discharge however long attractive. also, this strategy can prepare the body to hold off discharge and help a man to feel more good with not discharging, in any event, during serious sexual movement. also, I will have a go at something new Sexual joy flourishes in a climate of energy and fervor. Thus, If an individual has been with one accomplice for quite a while, sex can start to feel schedule, and it might appear to be progressively hard to feel energized, stay centered, or please the accomplice. It might assist with attempting another sexual movement or position or to have intercourse in an alternate area. Likewise, discussing sexual dreams can make sex additionally energizing. Likewise, it can assist with exploring new territory with an accomplice outside the room, for example, cooking together, kayaking or climbing, setting off to a historical center, seeing another band and attempting another game. I will deal with my nervousness and stress. Tension and stress can make it difficult to get or keep up an erection. These emotions can likewise divert individuals from sexual closeness. In the event that a man feels on edge about how he will perform explicitly, he may feel less amped up for sex and less drew in during it. Thus, there are Strategies for overseeing nervousness and stress remember the centering more for actual sensations than sexual performance,exercising ,getting more rest, attempting to improve connections, reflecting, investing more energy in a most loved interest ,going to treatment and last taking mental prescriptions. I open correspondence. Talking openly can altogether improve sexual encounters. In the event that issues identified with sex have made strain or stress, it is ideal to carry this up with an accomplice. Cooperating on an answer can assist a man with feeling less confined and address any worry or blame. An accomplice might have the option to ease fears about sexual brokenness, and they may have reasonable proposals. I will likewise rehearse care. since care is the act of getting more mindful right now. It is a famous type of contemplation for tenderfoots, and it might improve sexual capacity. The care and contemplation it can likewise assist with overseeing pressure disconnected to sexual action. This can by implication address sexual brokenness and improve a man's capacity to center at the time.

[dailynewswebsite]

Google antitrust case suggests Apple should be in the Department of Justice’s crosshairs too

Apple gadgets drive over half of all Google search site visitors. AP Picture/Russel A. Daniels

Google’s funds to Apple to advertise its search engine in iPhones, iPads and Mac computer systems are on the heart of the Division of Justice’s antitrust lawsuit towards the tech large.

The go well with alleges this creates a “steady and self-reinforcing cycle of monopolization” by limiting which search engines like google shoppers can use.

However as somebody who research platform markets, competitors and trade construction, I consider the settlement appears extra like a damning indictment of Apple’s personal probably unlawful enterprise practices.

Why Google wants Apple

The Division of Justice alleges that Google pays Apple and different device-makers to set its search engine because the default “on billions of cell gadgets and computer systems worldwide,” thus controlling how customers entry the web.

It’s true, Google is dominant in search, which accounted for an estimated 83% of dad or mum firm Alphabet’s income in 2019.

However about half of Google’s search site visitors originates from Apple gadgets. If Apple had been to interchange Google with an alternate default search engine on its gadgets, I estimate that Google may lose US$30 billion to $40 billion in annual income, assuming most customers didn’t change the setting again to Google.

Even when Apple didn’t decide a default and pushed the search engine option to customers, it could nonetheless must create a listing of potentialities. Analysis on search and airline tickets has proven that buyers overwhelmingly have a tendency to choose no matter is on the prime of the record, which means Apple would nonetheless wield vital energy over person selection.

Due to this, Google clearly has a robust motive to maintain its search engine because the default selection.

In the end Google is determined by device-makers like Apple to succeed in customers. Jaap Arriens/NurPhoto through Getty Photographs

Why Apple would decide Google anyway

Apple’s function because the gateway to billions of searches is the vital issue right here.

Take into account an Apple government getting ready the iPhone or one other machine for launch, selecting whether or not to set a default search engine and, in that case, which one to choose. Presumably, there are two key components: prices and buyer satisfaction.

The price to Apple of presetting a default search engine is negligible, only a few traces of code. And not using a default, shoppers would wish to set it themselves or sort google.com or bing.com themselves to conduct a search, versus the frequent follow of typing a search time period within the URL discipline.

To forestall this person inconvenience, Apple could be finest off presetting a search engine that was, ideally, the popular selection of most customers. The query then is: What would they like?

Google grew to become synonymous with search since its founding in 1998 not merely on account of its dominance – and funds to browser firms over time – however as a result of customers discovered the outcomes of its algorithm and easy interface superior to the competitors. And Google continues to attain excessive marks with shoppers in satisfaction surveys.

If Apple product managers had been to preset one default search engine as a way to maximize person satisfaction, they might most likely decide Google anyway.

A reputable risk

So why would Google pay Apple $eight billion to $12 billion a 12 months?

In my opinion, it comes all the way down to the the concern of being supplanted by a rival search engine if it stopped paying the charge. Apple has achieved this to Google earlier than.

The iPhone used to come back preloaded with two Google apps: Maps and YouTube. In 2012, Apple kicked each off its gadgets as the 2 firms started to compete extra aggressively with each other, requiring shoppers to obtain the apps in the event that they needed to make use of them.

From a sport idea perspective, a reputable risk or notion of 1 may very well be sufficient to make sure continued compliance.

Since no less than 2014 – round when the primary Apple-Google partnership on preset default occurred – Apple has dominated cell net site visitors. This energy provides Apple, as a platform offering entry to customers, the leverage it must cost and probably extort a hire – in financial parlance – for a product design determination that it could have doubtless chosen by itself. This might violate antitrust regulation, although Apple would doubtless argue it’s merely monetizing a useful resource it constructed.

All of it comes all the way down to the platform

Platforms present the technological and financial infrastructure and set the principles individuals should abide by.

This offers them vital energy because the entry level to probably large numbers of customers, which has been the core problem underlying previous antitrust actions towards main tech firms equivalent to Microsoft within the late 1990s.

Whereas the Division of Justice lawsuit does have a robust case towards Google in different areas, it looks like the half in regards to the Google-Apple partnership ought to be extra directed towards the corporate that truly controls the entry to shoppers.

And with new stories that Apple is planning to develop its personal search engine, the federal government’s desired treatment in its lawsuit – the top of the partnership and the Google default – could occur anyway, making the case largely moot.

[You’re smart and curious about the world. So are The Conversation’s authors and editors. You can get our highlights each weekend.]

Hemant Okay. Bhargava's work has been supported and impressed by varied tech companies, together with Google (and different search companies equivalent to Yahoo! and Overture) with a analysis excellence reward from the Google Cloud Platform in 2018.

from Growth News https://growthnews.in/google-antitrust-case-suggests-apple-should-be-in-the-department-of-justices-crosshairs-too/ via https://growthnews.in

[tackyink]

I shouldn’t be writing. I have a pair of pants to sew and a hat to accessorize, but these fricking cosplays haven’t let me write for weeks, and I needed to. I’ve gone from the aftermath of the terror attack, to protests on the streets, to the uncertainty of this political unstability, and right when I was settling down the only convention I go to every year is coming up. I just want to write in peace!

This was written a few months ago, but I’ve added things, changed a few others and edited a bit, badly, because my eyes hurt and I’m medicated and falling asleep.

Fourth installment of the terrible YYH self-insert.

There I go again Pretending to be you Make-believing That I have a soul beneath the surface

When my father asked what I wanted for Christmas, I knew right away what to reply. It might sound weird putting it like this, but if it was 1984, there was something I was in time to do for the first and last time.

I had known from the moment I saw it announced in a music magazine, just a week ago. The Yu Yu Hakusho world may have differed from my own, but some things remained the same, and one of them was the existence of my favorite band.

Queen was going to play its last concerts in Japan in 1985, and I had to go see them. I could not miss my last opportunity to see Freddie Mercury and John Deacon live, no matter how out of character it may have been for Satori.

But the request didn’t surprise my father. In fact, he said he had thought I’d ask for something like that.

That day I learned that the vinyl records and the CDs next to the music player in the living room were Satori’s, not her parents’. I had found out the one thing she and I seemed to have in common: a love of classic rock.

If you had asked me at that moment in time if travelling through dimensions thirty-three years in time and getting stuck in the body of a teenager in order to see Queen in their prime had been worth it, I would have said yes, logic be damned.

But before that could happen, a lot more had to be done.

For months, I had been stuck studying at home with tutors helping in my recovery, so for all effects and purposes, my job from September to April was to cram in my brain all the knowledge I had supposedly lost, and while subjects like math and science only warranted a quick refresher (and it was a good thing that Satori wasn’t in high school yet, because I hadn’t done any real math in close to twelve years), Japanese and history were another matter altogether. Luckily for me, I suppose, both were things I’d been interested in in my previous life and I couldn’t have found a more immersive way to learn the language if I tried, so catching up didn’t feel as frustrating as it would have otherwise, and I had always been good at studying.

The biggest hurdle came from elsewhere.

While I had determined that I wouldn’t go back to the tennis club once I returned to school, nothing could save me from the small piano at home.

Don’t get me wrong. At first, I thought it was amazing to have one. Learning how to play one had been a lifelong wish back when I wasn’t Satori. Then I had been asked if I remembered how to play it, and my deer in the headlights face had said it all.

About two months after the accident, my piano teacher came home, and though the news that I’d forgotten everything had been broken to her, I don’t think anybody realized the extent of the drama until I said I couldn’t read a score. If I had wished a thousand times in my previous life that my parents had signed me up for music lessons as a kid, I wished it even harder now. The extent of my musical ability was singing decently and having learned to play Greensleeves by ear on a toy keyboard. That was it. I had to start from scratch at thirteen-slash-twenty-eight years old.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t as disastrous as I had expected. As if Satori’s own body had grown frustrated with my uselessness, the hands seemed to move over the keys more easily than they should have. I realized it was muscle memory, moving my fingers to the keys without knowing what they were and pushing the pedals at the appropriate time.

But it sounded horrible, anyway. Muscle memory could only take me so far, and it didn’t matter much when it came to learning more pieces, but it was a small consolation that my new body was cooperating. My lack of coordination in my past life had been nothing short of sad, and this was a welcome change.

It wasn’t the first time I had thought so. Satori’s body was, nearsightedness notwithstanding, an upgrade from mine. She was more agile and in better shape than my paper-pusher butt used to be, but the most remarkable change was her brain. I don’t know what the physiological differences between hers and mine were, because I still felt very much like myself, but thinking with her brain was like coming into a sunlit clearing after wading through fog for years. Her attention span, her quick thinking, the way she absorbed information like a sponge was something I hadn’t felt for well over ten years. I didn’t get startled as easily, I wasn’t in an alert state 24/7, I didn’t feel anxiety creeping up on me at every little setback. My new brain was working with me instead of being bent on self-sabotage.

Thanks to that, I was able to make good progress with my studies before I went reenrolled at school. I still sucked at piano, but time and practice would take care of that, I hoped.

I remember the day at the end of February, nearly half a year after my accident, that my parents sat me down and told me with as much tact as they could that the school had decided to hold me back a year. This was a rare occurrence in Japan, from what I’d gathered, usually reserved for students who had missed too many school days.

My parents thought that Satori would think this was the end of the world. Fortunately, I wasn’t her, and since I didn’t know anybody at school save for one girl that had come visit me once while I was home, I didn’t care in which class I was put. If anything, I was worried about going back to school, in general.

All in all, I thought my parents took the grade repetition harder than me. There was probably some social stigma I wasn’t aware of associated to it.

I asked Yu about it when they weren’t around, but he shrugged off my concerns, instead asking me, “Do you mind being held back a year?”

“No.”

“Then however they think it reflects on you is their problem, not yours.”

This kid had just turned eleven and already had more aplomb than most adults I knew.

This kid also would, in five years’ time, if my assumptions were correct, have the guts to purposefully piss off Kurama in a room full of plants. I tried not to think about that.

“So you don’t care, either? Won’t the other kids laugh at you because your sister is dumb?” I joked, though in truth I was a little worried about it.

He looked at me like I had just demonstrated how dumb I really was. Kid could stare down a giant if he wanted. “I don’t care about their opinion. But I do care that you’re repeating a year.”

“Oh?”

“Next year we’ll go to school together.”

He was on his last year of elementary school. Normally, the gap of three years between us would have meant we’d always go to separate schools, but now we would be in the same place in middle and high school while I was a third-year and he a freshman. I would have an ally at school, however briefly! But then, the implications of that dawned on me right away.

If I was going to be at the same school as Yu, it meant that I was going to share a school with Kurama, as well.

I tried to smile sincerely at Yu’s comment, because it had been cute as heck, but the sudden realization had killed my enthusiasm swiftly.

“Yeah,” I said, hoping that he didn’t notice my mood change. “That will be cool.”

For five months, I’d managed to keep myself from thinking about it. For five blissful months of denial, I had concentrated on family life, on studies, and thought as little as I could about what the future held.

Because I had a good inkling of what my brother would get involved in in a few years, and I wasn’t sure I would be able to stay out of it myself. I didn’t think I wanted to, even, but then again, it’s easy to be brave when you’re looking at problems from a distance. I couldn’t tell how I’d react when the time came.

I had gone through many possibilities in the time I’d spent at home since I realized in which reality I was, but one that hadn’t crossed my mind until Yu pointed it out was that we were going to share a school, and that, in time, that would probably translate into going to Meiou with him. The perspective made me both excited and nervous.

Saying that Kurama was my favorite Yu Yu Hakusho character would have been the understatement of the two centuries I’d lived in. Saying that I’d been crushing on him since I was a teen would have only taken second place to the former assertion.

And I still hadn’t come to terms with him being a real person that I had a more than fair chance of meeting him in this reality.

And, because I had to be a worrywart, instead of being happy about it, I grew increasingly anxious about it as time passed. I didn’t want to be within ten miles of the guy lest I risk blubbering something silly and giving myself away.

But that would happen in time, I thought.

Maybe inspired by this turn of events, and since I’ve always had a bit of a masochistic streak, along with a liking of cacti and all manner of spiky flora, and four prickly children of my own at the time of my accident, when the school year started, I dropped tennis to go for gardening.

This caused some confusion among the staff and Satori’s teammates. Apparently nobody switched clubs once enrolled in one, but people were willing to overlook it because of my rather odd circumstances. There were still a lot of whispers behind my back – way to start off at school on the right foot.

Yu thought it was funny and more constructive that I had chosen to spend the next two years learning how not to kill a potted plant than hitting a ball, because it turns out that Satori had a notoriously black thumb.

I did, too. I once managed to kill a succulent in one month. And I’d felt horribly guilty even as I repeated to myself that it had been ill by the time I’d received it.

…Anyway.

I joined the gardening club because my other options were a sports team, which would mean I’d have no excuse to not go back to tennis, brass band, with was a definite no because I had enough embarrassing myself home with a piano in private, and calligraphy, which looked really cool but, call me weird if you may, I thought that before trying to draw kanji skillfully I should learn to read them.

So gardening it was. And being a non-sports, non-musical club, it only met three days a week, so it left me plenty of time to study.

Because that’s how I spent my first two years in the Yu Yu Hakusho world: learning nonstop all the things I should already know, and learning what I should have been learning at the time so I could enroll to a good high school.

Something I noticed as the months went by is that my parents seemed to be fascinated by the change in disposition in her daughter. I never got the impression from them or Satori’s own diaries that she had been a bad student, but I suppose she hadn’t shown so much drive to absorb knowledge as I did. Though, of course, I was doing it out of necessity, not just for the sake of knowing.

They were proud. And the prouder they were of their daughter, the guiltier I felt for not being her.

Yu didn’t have many friends at school.

I’d had the impression that smart kids were treated better here than they were back in my country, and that was true, with conditions: Yu was admired for his brains, but was worse, much worse with social niceties than I’d been at my prime.

For the record, I had been an absolute and complete disaster at getting along with most kids in my class, and that was taking into account that I saw them every school day for ten whooping years.

On the other hand, Satori’s classmates had moved onto high school, and the only friendships I retained were those of the people in the tennis club, who I didn’t know, and, frankly, did not care to. I more than doubled their age, and it was evident that they felt awkward talking to someone who didn’t remember who they were.

That gave me the perfect excuse to spend most of my free time with Yu, who made everything better with that thinly-veiled disdain for humanity of his and made him look like a pompous prick in the eyes of his peers. I, in turn, found it incredibly funny coming from someone his age.

Despite that, I told him to cut the back on the attitude because I was supposed to give him good advice, but he wouldn’t budge. He was at a difficult age, in an isolating position, and he had time to change.

I would lie if I said I didn’t worry about what he would do when I graduated, but while it lasted, we took comfort in each other’s company, a much needed familiarity for two introverts who’d been dropped in a foreign place.

During my first semester at school, I went with my father to see Queen at Yoyogi National Stadium.

I cried like the little girl I was supposed to be, and the next day I had no voice from singing along at the top of my lungs. I also had a lot of tears to spare when thinking about the band’s future, and it was hard to keep them at bay while I wasn’t alone.

On the way out, we bought tour shirts and a badge with the group’s logo that I proudly hung from my schoolbag.

Nobody took more than passing notice of it in class, except for a boy in my grade that I found staring really hard at the badge one afternoon, while I spoke to a club companion. He seemed to freeze for a second when he noticed that I’d caught him staring, but then he came closer. My clubmate observed the exchange quietly.

“Do you like Queen?” He asked.

He was a bit shorter than me, with stark black hair and piercing violet eyes, and he had spoken so seriously that I wondered if he would try to maim me if the answer wasn’t satisfactory.

“Of course I do,” I replied. “I wouldn’t carry this otherwise.”

His stony expression didn’t change, but his eyes sparkled. “I like them too. Who’s your favorite?”

“Um, I like them all, but Brian and Freddie—”

His expression lit up, but even then he didn’t smile. He sounded excited when he spoke next. “Did you know Brian May made his guitar himself?”

A smile escaped me before I could notice it. “Yeah! With an old fireplace and mother-of-pearl buttons—”

“I heard he spent years on it!”

“Can you imagine building your own guitar so young and so well that you can go pro with it?”

“He’s a genius.”

“Dang right he—”

Someone cleared their throat behind me. “Um, Kaito…”

My clubmate looked very much out of place when I looked at her.

“O-oh,” I said embarrassedly. “Yes, we should get going.” I turned to the boy. “Sorry, I should go. I didn’t catch your name…?”

“Kaname Hagiri.”

This world was rife with school kids trying to surprise kill me, I swear. I stared owlishly at him for a second before I remembered my manners. “Nice to meet you. I’m—”

“Everybody at school knows who you are. You’re the girl who lost her memory.”

I didn’t like the tone he used. “I have a name.”

I was surprised at how much it bothered me. Reducing Satori’s existence to her accident felt… wrong. And in turn I felt like a hypocrite, because what was Satori to me but another body? Yu’s sister? The girl who played tennis and piano and that had had a lot of friends that I’d managed to alienate in just a few weeks of school?

Satori’s existence, even to me, wasn’t an entity in itself. I always thought about her in relation to something, someone else. It wasn’t fair.

Hagiri was taken aback by my brusque reply, but he turned around and left anyway without saying anything else.

I thought that had been the end of it, and I was wrong.

He caught me by surprise one day after lunch, just as I’d left Yu to go back to class.

“Kaito,” he called solemnly, and his face wore the same immutable and slightly threatening expression from last time. His words didn’t match. “Do you listen to Deep Purple?”

As a matter of fact, I did.

I wondered if that was his way of apologizing for his rudeness, though I had been rude right back, so he had no reason to do it.

But what mattered was that, from then on, we stopped to talk to each other on the corridor, and that occasionally I’d have company when I wanted to pick up something from the music store.

This only lasted until the end of the school year, when we went on our separate ways to different schools. I wondered if I’d meet him again. I wondered if it would happen during the Sensui saga, and I wondered if I should, could have done something to prevent him from getting recruited. That nagging feeling wouldn’t leave me for months after I graduated, but only time would tell.

It was precisely during this year that the training wheels came off. The high school access exams were closing in, and my parents, who years ago had hoped to send Satori to one where she could focus better on developing her tennis skills, had to let go of the idea and find another place for me. I needed to compensate my lack of physical skills with raw brainpower, and given how tough school in this country was, I wasn’t sure I’d be up to par.

That insecurity kept on building up as the months passed, and by the time March was approaching I was a bundle of nerves. I took the Step Eiken, the exams to get an English certification, and took tests for public and private schools. My parents weren’t sure I’d be able to get into Meiou, since that school could afford to be picky with its students and my middle school hadn’t given me a recommendation thanks to me spending the last year and a half just trying to catch up. But if there’s something that drives me to do things is people telling me I can’t pull them off, so I studied like I’d never studied in my life. Harder than when I first woke up and had to learn all the grammar and vocabulary I didn’t know just to communicate with my family.

Having an obsessive personality has its perks, every now and then.

Yu supported me in this endeavor, even if he didn’t outright say it. On occasion, he made flashcards and diagrams with the excuse that they were meant for him, but I could use them too if I wanted. I knew him enough by then to realize that he knew the material better than the teachers. I think he was actually proud that his sister had turned bookish, that we had something else to bond over, and wanted to help.

In two months’ time, the exam results came, and with them the resolution of this weird phase of my life. First arrived the letters for public high schools, then for private ones.

I opened that last one with my parents breathing down my neck.

A year ago, I wouldn’t have been able to read its contents.

But now, clear as day, I was able to see that I’d made it into Meiou.

I let out a breath I didn’t know I’d been holding it as my mother announced that we were going out for sushi that night, and my father clapped me on the shoulder with a satisfied smile and told me to think if I wanted anything as a present.

I considered the admission a present in and of itself, but that didn’t stop me from asking if I could have a Discman.

[thewriteboy]

The Plight of Muse Hill

Chapter Two: Miscreants

Tristan Carter woke up at 7:00 AM MON DEC 23, according to his currently hysterical alarm clock. After turning the alarm off with resolve to go and get, the way he knew go-getters should, he promptly shoved his face back into his pillow for half an hour. He spent some time agonizing over the lost time, but, in the end, he decided he didn’t know what he would have done with an entire hour anyway. He got out of bed reluctantly and grabbed a towel on his way to the bathroom for a shower.

Tristan started to perk up under the stream of hot water. Once he was sufficiently awake, he began to get excited. He had two favorite people; one of these people was his twelve year old brother, Warren, and the other was Cassandra Murgatroyd. Cassandra, or Casey, had been Tristan’s best friend since they’d met on Halloween night, while out trick-or-treating on his ninth birthday. From practically day one, they had been getting into trouble together. Tristan couldn’t be sure when they had stopped getting caught doing the things they had been told not to do, or when they had started breaking the law, but he was sure the two events coincided. Today they planned to commit the misdemeanor breaking and entering without intent to commit a felony on the premises, because not much else could be said to be as fun in as small a town as this one. Tristan finished washing himself, but was reluctant to turn off the hot water and step out onto the cold tile beyond the shower curtain.

After he was dried off, he sauntered back to his bedroom with his used towel draped over his shoulder; his mom was at work, his dad was out of town, and his younger brother was still in bed, so Tristan felt no shame whatsoever in crossing the hallway fully nude. The experience was strange and felt scandalous, but was not at all unpleasant. He slung his towel on his bed when he reached his room and then closed the door so he could see himself in his full length mirror.

For the most part, Tristan didn’t care about his appearance, but he could never stop from brooding over his own reflection. He didn’t mind being short, which was good because he was barely 5’7” and probably would stay that way, or how short he had to keep his light brown hair so it would cooperate, or that, at the age of seventeen, he still had absolutely no facial hair; however, he did agonize a little over how thin and unmuscular he was. Of course, if he had really wanted to change that he would’ve had a workout routine, but the solution to slightness, in his opinion, worse than the problems. His teeth were straight and he took good care of them, so that was good. The one thing he truly cared about when it came to his appearance, though, was the one thing he truly liked about his appearance: his eyes, which were precisely the color of amber. This was very different from the rest of his family.

In fact, almost everything about his appearance was dissimilar to his family, all of whom were tall, and had blond hair and blue eyes. For years, this didn’t strike Tristan as odd, but when he finally noticed the vast difference, he started questioning other things as well (e.g. he shared neither his facial features nor key personality traits with his family).

It was his thirteenth birthday when he finally asked if he was adopted. The question had been burning within him for months by this point, and he couldn’t resist any more – relatives from both sides of his family had come for his big day, and it bothered him deeply that it was evident in one way or another that they were all related to each other. The question fell off his tongue and gracelessly onto the table at dinner almost immediately after he blew out the candles on his Halloween themed cake, with no less than nine members of his extended family present. Everyone at the table froze mid-whatever-they-were-doing and stared blankly at him, except Warren, who wore the most humorous expression of surprise. In the end, he got his answer: yes, he was adopted. And he hated that. The fact that he was adopted didn’t change how much he loved his parents or his brother; the fact that he was adopted had never changed anything, really, except maybe Tristan's perspective a little. Eventually he got over it and moved on. He had asked about his birth parents, of course, but never truly felt the need to meet them. With the parents who had chosen him, he knew in his heart, he had everything the parents who hadn’t wanted him couldn’t give.

Tristan glanced at his clock: 7:47. He dressed quickly in many layers of warm clothes and went downstairs. He wasn’t in the mood for breakfast, but he scarfed down some pop-tarts and a glass of milk anyway. He fed Barker – Barker was the family dog, a giant, fluffy black, white and brown Collie, whose name was inflicted upon him by an overly excited eight-year-old Warren – and went to the front door, passing through the living room, which was dominated by an enormous Christmas tree that had been decorated to death. Before leaving, Tristan took his warmest jacket and favorite beanie off of the coatrack, pulled them on, and picked his truck keys up off the table by the door.

Tristan was the very proud owner of a truly ancient Ford F-150. The truck was old and had a huge number of miles on it, sure, but its former owner had taken excellent care of it and it was still in fairly good condition. Tristan had gotten it for his sixteenth birthday. Tristan crossed the lawn to the street where it was parked and hopped in the cab. The truck had never, in the year and almost two months he had had it, failed to start on the first try.

He was in front of Casey’s house in two minutes. He blew the horn and waited, knowing it would be few minutes before she emerged. Tristan beat his thumbs on the steering wheel rhythmically while looking out the windshield at his surroundings. White. That is what he saw, but that could be said about any place in or around Muse Hill this time of year. The houses all around weren’t hard to see under the snow, they just weren’t the most prevalent thing at present. Casey lived in the neighborhood adjacent to Tristan’s, and, while the houses here weren’t truly any nicer, they were newer and somewhat better looking. Tristan looked at the clock at 7:59, and knew that, if the clock on his recently installed stereo’s display was precisely accurate, Casey would be walking out of her house in one minute. Casey was always exactly where she said she would be at precisely when she said she would be there. As if on cue, the front door soon opened and possibly the most glamorous girl Tristan had ever seen was revealed. Tristan’s face fell somewhat in disappointment; the girl was an unwelcome sight.

Before Tristan could start panicking, though, Casey walked around her sister (who was walking slowly, as though she didn’t have anywhere important to go and had come outside for lack of anything better to do, like when one wanders aimlessly around his house out of boredom to eventually find himself staring blankly at the contents of his refrigerator) and smiled broadly at Tristan. Tristan smiled back instantly and realized, for the millionth time just how deeply, profoundly hopeless he was. Since that fateful Halloween night, Tristan had been obsessed with Casey, and they were instant best friends. A few years later, when Tristan had started going through puberty and had started experiencing all sorts of strange attractions and urges, and started noticing – ahem, noticing – girls, it was Casey he noticed, and practically nobody else. Yet, unfortunately, and also fortunately, about the time Tristan began noticing girls, Casey did too. This was fortunate because 1) Tristan knew how romance could get in the way of (and ruin) friendships from movies he’d seen and books he’d read, and 2) Tristan’s ego was spared being rejected out of disinterest or something else that would have marked him as faulty. This was unfortunate, though, because Tristan wholeheartedly believed that, though he hated himself for it for the pain he was inflicting on himself and for the strain it would inevitably put on their friendship, he was helplessly in love with her. Deborah (Debby), Casey’s sister, Tristan had learned the hard way, was a poor substitute with an awful personality, despite her ridiculously good looks – this substantiated, for Tristan at least, the trite expression claiming that God doesn’t give with both hands.

Casey wasn’t the least bit butch. She was pretty in a conventional way. She was tall (taller than Tristan was, at any rate) and thin, and it was quite possible she might have had decent curves constantly hiding behind her shapeless clothes that somehow she pulled off flawlessly. Her hair was bright red and cut short, styled deftly around her round face that boasted soft, friendly features. Her eyes were grass green and accented with a little brown eyeliner, the only makeup she wore. Her pretty smile revealed bright white teeth. Her skin was pale and almost entirely without blemish. Anyone would have been lucky to be with her.

Casey approached, opened the passenger door and hopped onto the seat. She was still smiling as she pulled something out of her purse, “It’s finally finished!” she exclaimed brightly.

“What is?” Tristan asked before he realized what she was holding. It was blank CD – had been a blank CD – in a clear plastic case.

“The playlist. I mean, it only took a few minutes to burn the CD, but it’s finally done in that it’s taken us so long to agree on the music.”

They had been trying to put together a compilation of their favorite songs for weeks. It wasn’t difficult for either to choose ten of their favorite songs, but it was difficult for both to agree on the other’s choices, as the Venn diagram of music Tristan liked and music Casey liked was, with rare exceptions, two circles that did not touch. It wasn’t at all surprising that Casey had put the songs on a CD immediately after they had finally agreed on which songs to use and in what order to use them.

Casey took the disc out of the case, put it in the CD player and pressed play.

The drive to the edge of town took ten minutes. Today’s outing would be a very tame one. Very straight forward. They would drive to the barbeque restaurant at the edge of town, park there, and walk the next half-mile to the abandoned warehouse. They had passed the warehouse countless times in their lives and had always been curious about it. Today they would visit it and see what there was to see. Tristan and Casey went on these outings just for the fun of it, for the thrill of adventure, the rush provided by the idea of getting caught, because there was little to do in the small town of Muse Hill except bend the rules. Not all of their adventures were illegal, though, and none of them caused anyone major harm, so they were unconflicted. All they were going to do today was get into the warehouse, explore it a bit, and get out. Only that. Nothing else. Breaking and entering would be the extent of their excitement. Perhaps they would get lunch together afterwards.

The first song on the playlist was the longest and took up the entire trip to Porky’s; it was also Tristan’s favorite, so he was distracted from navigating the road, which was covered in snow and ice. Casey spent a good several minutes playing it, the song, on thin air and Tristan shuddered to think what sound she would be making on a real guitar.

They trekked the half mile the rest of the way to the warehouse in about ten minutes, all the while wishing they were still in Tristan’s Truck. They had decided to leave the truck at Porky’s because, strictly speaking, they weren’t allowed to leave Muse Hill, and the Warehouse was just a little past the border. The street that passed by the warehouse was a busy one and some passerby might have recognized the truck as Tristan’s parked on the side of the road in front of the warehouse where he was trespassing in an area he wasn’t supposed to be in the first place. It was far less risky to walk.

The warehouse was enclosed by a tall chain link fence. On the side of the fence facing the road was bolted a metal sign warning away prospective trespassers, which Casey mocked (“Well, I guess we have to go back now.”) since there was no evidence of a security system or surveillance cameras. Once they reached the gate, Casey pulled her lockpick out of a jacket pocket, and knelt to start on the single padlock standing in their way.

Tristan took this time to look around. The endless snow was somewhat drier, more powdery here than at his house seven miles away: it had fallen more recently. All he could smell was the distinct scent of chilled air. Lining the road and surrounding the warehouse were hundreds of evergreens. It was then, looking at the bases of the trees, that he saw something unexpected. It was mostly hidden behind the line of trees on Tristan’s right, probably a hundred yards away, but it couldn’t be mistaken. And it was magnificent. A buck, whose shoulders probably came up higher than the top of Tristan’s head, with enormous antlers, the time of year notwithstanding, stood, peeking out of the foliage, with one front hoof raised slightly. Tristan tiptoed toward Casey without looking away from the deer, careful not to make too much noise or move too suddenly, afraid of scaring it off despite all the distance there was between them and it. He touched Casey’s shoulder and winced when she yelped. But her startled utterance didn’t send the buck running. Tristan pointed covertly and whispered in her ear. Casey didn’t see it at first, but once she stood up, she saw it immediately and a second later, a broad, delighted smile broke out over her face.

Both Tristan and Casey stayed as motionless as possible and stared at the stately creature, which didn’t move either . . . until it did, that is. When it did move, it was almost as though it hadn’t moved at all, but had switched positions instantaneously. One second it was standing, and the next it had collapsed. In fact, it had been tackled and was now on its stomach, one of its front legs bent the wrong way, with something small and dark, impossible to identify, on its back. The abrupt change in the scene the two teenagers were taking in was accompanied by a disturbing crunch and a terrible, high-pitch bleat. Tristan and Casey watched in shocked horror as whatever had taken down the buck dragged it back into the trees.

Casey, trembling, took one step forward, outstretched one hand, began to utter an expletive, but did not finish: "holy sh-", then did nothing else; Tristan felt his heart beating very fast and very hard in his chest, but couldn’t think how to respond to what he had just seen.

[atticusblog2016-blog]

New Post has been published on Atticusblog

New Post has been published on https://atticusblog.com/the-5-top-producing-gold-mines-in-the-world/

The 5 Top-Producing Gold Mines in the World

For hundreds of years — because ancient Egypt — people have been digging gold out of the ground, and it probably will stay fairly valued for decades to come.

Around the sector, people have determined locations to sink their shovels and fulfill their appetites for the yellow stuff. However, what are the largest mines generating gold nowadays? The answers might also surprise you.

Positioned in Nevada, the Cortez mine produced 1.059 million oz. of gold in 2016 — about 6% extra than its gold manufacturing from 2015. One in all Barrick Gold’s (NYSE: ABX) center mines, Cortez has verified-and-possibly gold reserves of 10.2 million oz as of December 31, 2016. Probably, Cortez will live amongst the biggest generating gold mines for the foreseeable future — control estimates gold manufacturing among 1.25 million and 1.29 million oz in 2017.

Besides an upward thrust in production, Barrick stated several different successes on the mine in 2016. For one, the corporation reduced all-in sustaining costs (AISC) by using 14% year over year, to $518 in keeping with the unce. This, in element, contributed to an boom in profitability in comparison to 2015.

In step with Barrick, the mine generated 18% extra earnings and 33% greater in earnings before hobby, taxes, depreciation, and amortization (EBITDA). Moreover, the organization has numerous initiatives in improvement centered on mine expansion, ensuring gold manufacturing will keep for many years to return.

One of the extra thrilling elements of Cortez is that it is the focal point of a collaboration among Barrick and Cisco Systems . Operating to digitize the operation, Barrick and Cisco will appoint predictive records and analytics, among different things, to similarly reduce charges, illustrating how the mining industry stands to benefit from the development in virtual technologies. Mutually owned by using Freeport-McMoRan (NYSE: F CX) and the authorities of Indonesia, the Grasberg minerals district is constructed from three running mines, which, together, produced 1.061 million ounces of gold in 2016. One in all the largest gold deposits inside the international, Grasberg has recoverable tested-and-in all likelihood gold reserves of 25.eight million ounces. Accounting for ninety eight% of Freeport-McMoRan gold production in 2016, Grasberg generated $1.03 billion in running profits for fiscal 2016 — about 32% of the overall running income that the company suggested from mining operations.

It’s questionable — at best — whether or not the mine will seem at the list of the largest gold-producing mines in 2017. The company halted operations on the mine in February, because of a war of words with the Indonesian authorities concerning concentrate exports and different issues. In step with the business enterprise’s press launch, “For every month of delay in acquiring approval to export, [the company’s] share of manufacturing is projected to be decreased by way of about 70 million kilos of copper and 70 thousand oz. of gold.”

Previous to the suspension of operations, the agency have been engaged in severa mine-growth sports, which the organisation had forecast to overall $1 billion in annual capital costs from 2017 thru 2021.

Fortune Favors the Gold

A year in the past, we wanted to add a era editor to our group of workers. A résumé crossed my writer’s table…

Labored on Wall Avenue? Test.

Managed a a hit hedge fund? Take a look at.

The writer asked my opinion. “Properly, it’s one element to make money in a bull market for tech shares,” I stated. “But an amazing inventory picker can discover opportunities in even the most hated market sectors.”

However Paul Mampilly, our “new guy,” took up the assignment with this doozy: “Stop Panic Promoting Gold Mining stocks.”

And the rest is history…

Paul made a ambitious name final February: “That is simply the first inning of a monster bull market for gold mining shares,” he wrote. “You can make a hundred% to two hundred% over the subsequent one year.”

However Paul became wrong.

Traders who sold something like the VanEck Vectors Junior Gold Miners ETF (Nasdaq: GDXJ) the following day – doubled their cash in much less than six months.

Maybe he become just fortunate.

I mean, Paul himself will let you know that gold stocks aren’t simply his factor. He loves to spend his time looking for funding mega tendencies, not the geological versions (like Nevada’s Carlin Fashion) that mining businesses dig out of the ground.

But cautious readers will notice other unique calls Paul made that have Labored out pretty Well.

Looking Mega traits in stocks

A handful of months went by means of, and Paul wanted to cognizance on locating “mega Fashion” possibilities amongst a number of the most broadly observed era stocks on Wall Avenue.

Again, it turned into feasible to have doubts. I imply, what may want to he probable see that ninety nine% of Wall Street’s strategists and research analysts could not?

  Paul’s intention is simple:

Goal and capture small company stocks with the capacity for a couple of 1,000% gains. Meaning no penny stocks, no alternatives or Severe types of leverage.

Paul will maintain to do what He is constantly performed: examine lots and lots of books, sift them for their most profitable “big ideas” after which observe volumes of corporate files and actual-time market statistics to discover the satisfactory funding candidates.

  Precis Of Mine Boy Chapters 1-6

Overview OF THE Story.The Tale sets in South Africa. On this Story, Peter Abraham portrays apartheid through following the existence of Xuma, a villager on the lookout for a better life. Xuma first lived in Malay camp wherein he become supplied accommodation with the aid of Leah on his first night time inside the town. Once you have a activity, he movements to his personal house in Vrededorp.

Leah earned her living via promoting illicit brew. There has been also Dladla who was bitter about Leah controlling him and betrays her to the police. Leah determined out approximately it however earlier than she could cope with Dladla, he was located useless in the bush stabbed inside the returned. Johannes, a sturdy nicely constructed miner, changed into a timid man or woman who have become formidable and loud handiest while under the influence of alcohol.

Daddy was by no means sober and died after being hit by way of a car. Xuma falls in love with Eliza. He constantly rejects Maisy who loves him.

However, in the long run he accepts her and promises to marry her as quickly as he gets out of prison as Eliza left him.

Leah receives sent to prison after being caught pink surpassed with the illicit brew through the cunning policeman nicknamed the Fox who have been trying to trap her for a long time. She had controlled to break out the police dragnet through bribing some policemen who saved her knowledgeable.

Johannes and his white boss Chris died below the mine as they attempted to save you it from collapsing. Paddy, Xuma’s boss aspects with the blacks and is arrested whilst a insurrection breaks out in the mine. Xuma flees however later surrenders himself on the police station.Chapter through Chapter Precis OF THE E-book

Chapter ONE

It became three o’clock in the morning when a man arrives in a town on a slender avenue. The complete town become in darkness. He wondered where he become. Suddenly, he saw a girl at a door status in the darkness.

He moved closer and requested her if he ought to get a place to relaxation and feature a drink.

The girl requested him if he had however the man said he had none. She in addition enquired to know his name. The man recognized himself as Xuma, form the north. After talking for sometime the lady left to convey light. She returned without him noticing.

From the door, a beam of effective torch struck on Xuma with a voice calling him to return. He accompanied the beam of mild and the woman into a room where he met 3 men and an old lady. The woman introduced Xuma to the people and requested Ma Plank to provide him meals. Xuma were given to recognise Dladla, a person fond of gambling with knife. Xuma saw a knife in Dladla’s hand. Xuma However cautiously placed his bundle on the table and went spherical an extended bench.

Global International Community Overview – Ought to You Join?

So over the past couple of months, there’s been a organisation it’s been popping up anywhere on Social Media. The agency is known as Global Worldwide Network. Now in case you’re analyzing this, you are in all likelihood searching out facts earlier than becoming a distributor. If that’s the case, look no in addition due to the fact in this WGN Overview, I am going to cowl the important info you will want earlier than becoming a member of. I will pass into the company and product but maximum of all I’ll dive into the real business opportunity. Now before intending, I want to reveal that I am not a WGN distributor nor am I affiliated with them in anyway. In fact, it sincerely does not count to me whether or not you Join or not. That is critical to understand due to the fact you are not going to get a biased perspective from me. You’ll get a truely impartial Global Global Network Review.

[piratejeni]

How to Choose your First Tarot Deck

Choosing your first tarot deck can be a daunting task.  There are SO MANY out there and it seems like every day, someone is making a new one.   When I got my first deck, it was 1987-ish and the internet wasn’t born yet.  I lived in a rural area and my access to anything other than Waldenbooks was very limited.  Now, anyone can easily design a deck, have it printed, and market it.  AMAZING.

I didn’t even choose my first deck.  It was a Christmas gift when I was a teenager and I’m embarrassed to say that I don’t remember if it came from my mom or my grandmother.  One of the two, anyway.

My first deck was the Mythic Tarot which is loosely based on the Rider-Waite-Smith deck (RWS).  The Mythic Tarot takes it’s inspiration from Mythology which is pretty cool, but also very specific to those stories.  Many of the cards are similar in imagery to the RWS, but not in meaning.   The book was very detailed into things like “this bird symbolizes Zeus… and this Devil is actually Pan… oh and this lady here?  this is Persephone.”  Cool, but difficult to read if you try to shoehorn the images and symbolism into modern day life. It can be done, for sure, but it requires a LOT of memorization.

The Mythic Tarot: the Devil, The Heirophant and the Chariot.

  The Mythic Tarot: Ace of Pentacles, Six of Swords, Five of Wands and Eight of Cups

As you can see from these images, they are pretty specific to individual personas.  There is Persephone there in the Eight of Cups.  Yes, her leaving the physical word behind and moving into the darkness does sort of mirror the idea of the Eight of Cups so that’s good.   Poseidon is the Ace of Pentacles, which I personally find confusing because Pentacles is traditionally the Earth Element and Poseidon lives in the water.. but sure.. bursting forth with new energy.. ok.  The Six of Swords here is Orestes who I know nothing about.. and the Five of Wands is Jason’s battle with the Dragon over the Golden Fleece so, yeah, it’s a fight.

But, basically, there is too much here for a beginner, in my opinion.

Seriously Consider the Rider Waite Smith in the Yellow Box

The RWS (unless you read Thoth) is what a lot of decks are based off and the beauty of the RWS deck is that it lends itself to an intuitive interpretation.  The cards evoke an emotion and a feeling and provide a lot of detail to explore so you don’t have to learn something by rote.

Rider Waite Smith

Rider Waite Smith

See how the Five of Wands is evoking an emotion of conflict among people?  And the Six of Swords feels like a family leaving the choppy waters headed towards smoother sailing?  (Yes, the Ace is hard to get an emotion from.. I know.. but you have keywords to fall back on to kick your intuition into gear ~ it’s a good idea to know the “traditional meanings” but don’t be limited by them.  Think of it like the drugs that were prescribed for depression also work for smoking cessation.  They were intended for one thing but also work for another..  follow me?)

A word on intuition:  if you want to be a tarot reader  it really benefits you to work with your intuition. It gets your left brain out of the way and opens you up to the message from the Universe. The Tarot is a TOOL to facilitate your connection to the Information Highway. (and it’s not as old as people claim.. at least not as a divination tool)

The RWS is a great place to start.  The other thing is that a LOT of books, teachers and websites reference it.  If you will be looking for support from others, it’s good to have a working knowledge of this artwork. Also, I can’t help it.  The wands look like giant penises to me.  They just do.  Take a look at the Ace of Wands and then tell me I’m wrong.

Look at a lot of decks to find artwork that appeals to you

I don’t enjoy the RWS artwork and I really don’t like the overt Christian overtones.  I think it’s super important to find artwork that appeals to you.  It’s difficult to find the message in the card when you don’t like looking at it.  I actually got rid of my first RWS deck because I just couldn’t read with it.  (I have since purchased a new one to work with for study only.  But I have no intention on reading with it)

The deck I worked with for YEARS was the Morgan Greer.  It’s a close up image of the RWS artwork and it’s borderless, which I enjoy.

Morgan Greer

Morgan Greer

But still, lots of Christian overtones.  Since the explosion of Tarot interest, I’ve had some great opportunities to get decks that are still RWS based but with a twist.

Modern SpellCasters Tarot

Modern SpellCasters

Check out the Chariot!  Talk about moving forward without really knowing where you are going… but doing it anyway.  And there are more Alchemical symbols here and the deck has more of a magickal feel to it. Which is intentional since it’s meant to also work Magick.  And the Eight of Cups has a slightly different vibe to it. I also love this deck because many of the images show people of different colors, sizes, races and sexual identities.

Modern images for modern times can sometimes read easier.

This is my newest deck for my collection and it totally updates the images.  This is the Everyday Witch Tarot and I’m really digging how easy this is to read.   You may not feel that all of these images are modern (cloaks, cauldrons etc) but they are a lovely mix of Modern images and NeoPagan Traditions.  This deck just sings to me because of this mash up.  I suspect there is a modern deck out there for you that fits your path.  (Some of us do have actual magick brooms and wands and cauldrons in our homes.)

Everyday Witch Tarot

Everyday Witch Tarot

New Readers should probably avoid decks with pips

Tarot was a game, originally.  If you go back to before the RWS deck, you will find the Visconti Deck  named after the family that had the cards.  See, paper was expensive so only rich people had decks and only rich people had time for actual games.   I picked up this mini deck at the J.P. Morgan Library gift shop, where you can view three of the original Tarot cards from this deck.

I don’t read with it.

Visconti Deck

Pips Only.. you can’t even really tell the swords from the wands

These decks don’t give you anything to work with other than numbers.  That’s more than half your deck that you would need to memorize meanings for.  Not an easy task and not really an intuitive task either.

Probably steer away from Novelty Cards/Promotional Material for your first deck.

Have you seen Penny Dreadful? Vanessa has a beautiful deck that was made just for the show.

I own it.  I don’t read from it.

Penny Dreadful Tarot

Penny Dreadful Tarot

It’s amazing but limited in it’s ability to spark intuition. Also, all the minor cards 2-10 are pip cards. Nope. Just really neat to have it and look at it. (And I will admit that I’m currently waiting for my Twin Peaks Tarot deck to ship and I probably won’t read from that one either).

Which brings me to..

Probably best to avoid highly stylized/non-human decks to start.

There are some great non-human decks out that that probably read just fine.  But they can be hard to read for beginners and can feel a bit off putting to friends you may want to read for as practice.  Let’s face it. Some people still think the Tarot is Evil with the Capital E.  I adore my Deviant Moon deck but I’ve only used it once in a reading for a client because.. well… look at it.

Deviant Moon Tarot

Deviant Moon Tarot

The only time I used it for a client was when they made a point of telling me they identify as non-binary and most decks are well.. Binary.   And actually a lot of decks are very…. white.. and straight.  Many of the images in the Deviant Moon deck are not gender specific.  (I admit, I didn’t pick the best cards to demonstrate this but I was rolling with a theme)

Where do you go from here?

I think the best thing you can do is to get your eyes on some decks before you decide.  Some great places to look at decks before you buy are:

Your local metaphysical shop: Sometimes the owners will have decks open for you to look at. This is fantastic!  But buy your deck there, ok?  Don’t fondle the merch and then get a deal online.  Spend the extra bucks to support your local seller.

Aeclectic Tarot :  An astonishing number of decks with a good sampling of each card in each deck.  Plus reviews from actual readers.

YouTube:  A google search for YouTube Tarot Reviews will get you a ton of hits and a lot of folks will show you every single card.  You will also get a lot of info about things that might be important to you like, card stock or boxes or the book that comes with it.

Amazon reviews:  lots of readers will put pictures of the cards in their reviews and are not shy about sharing their thoughts. (which reminds me.. I have a few reviews to do)

Other readers:  Opinions are like assholes.  We all have one.  What I think about a particular deck may be very different than what your friend and favorite reader thinks. Ask us. We LOVE to talk about our decks.

It is impossible to buy the “wrong” deck.

Truly.  Every deck will tell you something about yourself.  It will help you find what you are comfortable with and what you aren’t comfortable with.  Discomfort is educating in and of itself.  If you outgrow your deck or decide you don’t want to read from the one you bought, there is a healthy market out there for second hand decks.   Many of us pooh pooh the idea that you shouldn’t read a used deck.  If you really want to unload a deck you don’t like, someone will buy it.

What it really comes down to is this…

Buy the deck that speaks to you .. and if it doesn’t speak to you in six months, that’s ok too..  See, people evolve.  What you like today, you may not like tomorrow.  And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.  Your time with the Tarot will change your perspective on things..  on people.. and on yourself.

How to Choose your First Tarot Deck was originally published on Jeni Reads Tarot