#anyway so one of my irl friends i met just this january. !!!!! idk she is vv sweet lol and loves giving gifts :(( <3

[astrxealis]

we ball 👍

[colour-outside-the-liness]

Oh Disneyland Paris sounds fun yeah! Were you and your roommate already close then? I went to Walt Disney's world with my aunt and cousin when I was like 11 but it would've been way more fun if I could've taken my best friend with me for sure. Maybe we can go to the one in Paris now that she lives just 3h away from me! Oh I see, sounds like LA was really fun for you yeah! your roommate didn't mind third wheeling tho? Hahaha

Yeah Canada is beautiful but what I liked about it the most was the massive improvement in quality of life I had compared to where I was living before and just being able to be who I am and people accepting me for it. Not being worried about violence 24/7 felt pretty fucking great too. So yeah I highly recommend living there if you ever get a chance. But I am loving Portugal so far, people are a bit more judgemental here tho but I like that it's easier to travel to a lot of countries I've always wanted to go to. Everywhere you go there are pros and cons tho so sorting out priorities is key. But Toronto is my favourite of all the places I've been, before living there for a year I had already been two times!

Jesus 50 states, sometimes I forget how big the US is. And you can totally do it if you plan it out! After watching Bly Manor tho I really want to go to Vermont especially during autumn season looks really pretty! There's this fic I love (only the sun by prestonarchives) where Dani and Jamie go on a road trip from Vermont to Maine and I did their entire journey on Google maps street view bc I was so obsessed with this one chapter fanfic I had to immerse myself entirety in it hahaha. So now I want to go there irl. Here's the link if you haven't read it before!

https://bit.ly/3BLy4WR

Omg I totally remember reading that on CBML and being a bit confused bc I was like why would she think you can't see the moon from the great wall of China HAHAHA but I thought it was really funny and endearing yeah it's even funnier now that I know you said it irl haha.

Oh so ENFP-T means extraverted, intuitive, feeling and prospecting personality with a bit of turbulence. Which just means you're curious, perceptive, enthusiastic, an excellent communicator, festive and good-natured. On the other hand you can be disorganized, unfucosed, a people pleaser, overcommitted, too optimistic and restless.

I wonder what Jamies and Danis mbti are as well as their zodiac signs 🤔 I think Jamie might be an ISTP-A bc she's definitely an introvert, very practical, stubborn, assertive, layed back and energetic at the same time. And Dani is either an ENFP-T like you or an ESFJ-T with the whole selfless thing going on.

AE already made it canon that Jamie's an aries (and it makes sense) but I can't figure Dani out. I've thought about her being a leo ♌ bc she's generous, passionate, warm-harted and dominant in her own way and THE HAIR haha. But she's got some pisces ♓ vibes going on too...idk. aaand I'm back at it again with the astrology signs haha.

To be fair your recent drunken exp it was dark and at least you didn't think the road sign was a bear or something (don't know what kind of wild animals you've got over there) that you wrestled with and ended up in a ditch and your best friend let you believe that happened for 3 years up until recently haha. 😂 but yeah some things happen for a reason, having life threatening health issues doesn't sound great tho, but I guess it's a good thing it stops you from drinking too much and making dumb decisions. And hey maybe I secretly want that to happen again idk maybe moving countries is not exciting enough, I have to go out and make a complete drunken fool out of myself in a completely foreign place hahaha. I guess that did kinda happen last month when my best friend came to visit me from Spain and we got drunk on wine, I got lost on the way back home and it was way past curfew. 🤔 shit I'm 29 will I ever learn...

Episode 9 is 😢😍🥰😰😭🤬☠️ just the worst roller-coaster I didn't even know I was on. Haha I was more pissed off than heartbroken the first time I watched it ngl.

Well then maybe the way you do accents is friendly and funny so people can't really get mad at you haha. Like Dani! Oh so that's called a Geordie accent! I see, it's really really cool. AE said Jamie is from Lancashire but that's a whole county isn't it? Idk if there's a specific accent to this region. Knowing you speak kinda like Jamie is something else tho, I think if anyone who spoke like her ever talked to me irl I wouldn't be able to pay attention to what they were saying 😂 just the accent haha.

Oh so you already have 4k something words for it nice. I'm kinda starting to feel an obsession with this medieval AU growing in me, I made a Pinterest board just for it ngl hahaha but I'm still resisting creating anything for it, I did a face study yesterday for Dani and Jamie to see if I finally pick up the idea and just do it but my brain was still like "I don't want to do this rn" and was just being a little bitch about it so I'll just let it cook for longer see if we can reach an agreement eventually (if ever) haha.

Glad to hear you had a good weekend! Even if it left you feeling exhausted in the end. And yeah it makes sense for you to say you don't have favourites haha! Have a great week Colour, take care! 👋✨

Yeah me and my roommate have been friends since we were like 14 so when we went to Disney Land we asked if we could be roomed together because we've been best friends for that long now... been best friends since school and now we live together. She's seen me at my best, my worst, has seen me in all my stages in life and has been there for a lot of the rough stuff I've been through and I've been there for all the stuff she's been through!! Nah she didn't mind at all we had some moments where me and my ex would just go and be a couple and have dates but my ex didn't want me travelling that far alone so invited my roommate too because she didn't like the thought of me flying 11hours alone or being in airports alone so my roommate came with me and we had a great time Awwh good I'm glad it was such a nice place and that you didn't worry about violence all the time but I'm so sorry you ever had to worry about that anyway that can't be easy. I would honestly love to live in Canada I really hope I get chance one day... I'm glad you're loving Portugal but sorry people are judgemental there but I am glad it's easy for you to travel around to other places... oh yeah every place has it's pros and cons I mean England has some pros but it sure has a lot of cons too so I know all about that Yeah America is SO big but I do want to get around all 50 states at some point and I am stubborn enough and determined enough to make it happen eventually even if I don't get around them all until I'm like 70 I'll make it happen haha!! No I haven't read that fic but it sounds amazing so I'll definitely check it out thank you for sending me the link Yeah... that really happened to me and it was just a dumb moment where I had this momentary lapse of knowledge in my brain and now I look back at that question and I'm just like... "you idiot" and this is why people are shocked when I get questions in quizzes right because I have said some really dumb stuff but I'm glad people found it funny and endearing... and I'm glad it makes it better to know I really said that haha Oooo I didn't know that, I like that and I think it's definitely fitting for me!! I think from what you've said about what ENFP-T means Dani could easily be that too and I don't know anything about the other one but I will take your word for it matching Dani because you know way more about this stuff than I do. I have no idea for Jamie though. And with zodiac signs I love that Amelia looked at Jamie and thought she was an Aries, as for Dani I have NO idea what her zodiac would be... in CBML she's a Leo but in MoU with what I have planned for her birthday she'd be a virgo but I don't know anything about zodiacs... all I know is all the pieces I've ever met have been the opposite of what Dani is so maybe that has something to do with their whole charts but I know a lot of other people always make her a Pieces and I trust what other people say about zodiacs more than what I know about them because I really know NOTHING about them haha Nah I knew it was a road sign because of how heavy and hard it was- nah we have no bears where I live... I don't think we have many dangerous animals where I live... got a couple of badgers that can be pretty aggressive but that's about it we don't have much that is scary here or at least not in the little part of England I live. Having life threatening health issues has been hard and since having my spleen removed in January (that was the surgery I needed to try and fix the issue I had) things are even harder now because I have to take antibiotics for the rest of my life to stop me getting any infections because if I ever get a chest infection now or a really bad cold it can be really dangerous but I take it all in my stride and not drinking is just a way to make sure the antibiotics actually work properly and to make sure nothing happens to me... and like you said, means I don't do anything dumb too... haha drunken stories are the best I have been lost a few times when I've been drunk... and I don't think you do learn, I have siblings that are

like 40 and still do dumb shit... I know at 27 I am still doing dumb shit too I don't think I'll ever learn haha 😂 Its such an emotional roller coaster and honestly I was just devastated the first time I watched it... no TV show or movie has ever made me cry the way Bly Manor did when I first saw it and it still makes me cry now. I can cry just thinking about that last episode. I definitely mean it in a friendly way so I hope it comes across like that. Yeah the accent in Billy Elliot is a Geordie accent and its my favourite accent there are other accents around the north that are called different things. Yeah Lancashire is a county and again in Lancashire there are loads of different accents I can't really pinpoint Jamie's down to a city I just know it's Northern. I'm from Yorkshire but don't have a strong Yorkshire accent I just have a Northern accent, like people never believe I'm from the place I'm from because I don't sound like I am but you can definitely tell I'm northern... honestly there are so many accents in England... you can drive for two hours in any direction in England and the accent will change like two times at least it's insane... see a lot of people say that but I am not a HUGE fan of the northern accent and I think it's because I grew up there. I much prefer Dani's accent to Jamie's but like I said to me, Jamie just talks normal there is no accent really haha Yeah 4k words for it but it's all jumbled up it's not like a chronological story yet it's just all over the place haha but I hope I can get it all structured properly soon!! Awwh good I'm glad you're already interested in this medieval AU!! That makes sense you're resisting creating for it but I think it's so cool you did a face study for Dani and Jamie even if you didn't wanna finish it I think letting things cook for a while is always a good idea if you're not in the right headspace right away I had such a good weekend but I am so tired and today I had a busy day too celebrating my roommate's boyfriend's birthday so I've had so many days that have been so busy and right now I am just really to sleep haha!! Yeah definitely don't have favourites but I have spent more time with one of my nieces than the others simply because I always look after her if her mum and dad are working and I'm not... like until I start this new job I am looking after her for an hour every day after school while she waits for her mum and dad to finish work but I don't have favourites haha!! Thank you so much I hope you had a great weekend and that you have a great week too!!

[rookieforlife]

Can you share some cute stuff with THE girl? Like a cute moment or what do you like about her? It's cool if you don't want to, but I just need some soft gay moments and just live vicariously through others haha. Anyway, here's some tribute, you might also like the music of julia jacklin, and billie marten.

Lol 😂 there’s no cute moments because the girl is not my girl 😭 yet. She has been reacting to my IG stories since last year (not selfies so it’s confusing) and I’ve never paid attention because 1) I’m a stupid and don’t pay attention to social media interactions 2) it wasn’t the right time. Then, around January/February I started to feel curious about her and checked her IG, she’s interesting, cute and used to live in my neighborhood. So I decided to react to her stories and see what’s the deal, but I feel like we’re playing some kind of stupid game where we’re interested (that’s what I sense) but playing hard to get. I was actually waiting a signal or something that she’s interested in women because it’s not that clear, anyway one of my friends told me not to care at all but I’m dumb, like my experiences with women were totally different, with people I general, I’ve never had to flirt online, I always dated people I met irl. Everyone that knows me, knows that I’m 100% useless with social media, I forget to answer messages, I don’t know what to say, etc. So this is new. So she replied to one of my stories and we talked a little about plants LOL, my friend said she wanted to break the ice, she also sent me pics of her plants lmao, I feel like I’m 15. Then the conversation died and the other day we talked again about music a little bc she reacted to one story I made where I was singing to my cat lol then she posted a story with sharon van etten, I recommended her a record, and she recommended me another album. I accept advice bc I’m lost here ✍🏽 is she interested yes/no?

What I like about her? Idk, she’s mysterious, bold apparently, I like her smile. She likes poetry. I feel curious about her and attracted. She seems to be different but I feel like we would get along.

Thank you for the music ♥️ I’m listening to Julia Jacklin now ✨

[zugzwangz]

7-16-2020    

I haven’t been here for a minute and that’s not how it should be. This blog started out as a semi daily journal. The problem with that is that people (including myself) only tend to journal when things are bad. That’s when we talk about our insecurities and our fears and shit. It's because we are uncertain of what's next and sharing how we feel is a good coping mechanism.

Before we go on let me say that this is not gonna be a depression post. Everything is fine, everyone is well and I’m VERY crossed.

I mean it hasn’t all been peaches and cream, the start of this year really put me in a situation I’ve never been in before. I’m sure ya’ll can relate. I was stripped of all the fat in my personality and I was just left with myself. Unfortunately I didn’t like myself at the time so for a while there I was a drag.  

In California the start of the madness happened in the middle of March and we didn’t go full lockdown till the beginning of April.  I still had a job at this point and I wasn’t afraid. I was never alone really. I had friends around me 24/7 and frequent female company. Things were ok. But then you know April comes around and not even one week in, I begin to lose it a lil bit.

For one the girl I was seeing at the time was crazy immature and excommunicated me out of the group I established. Which was super weird because we didn't even sleep together or really date that long, so she really had no justification to play the victim of any kind. But yeah anyway this sucked because no I was just alone with no one to talk too really.

THEN my funding got cut for both my job and my research project, so I was left with no work or nothing to preoccupy my time and personality with. So now I’m in the red both socially and financially.

Right around this one beacon of light hit me, and she was really alright. She was naturally pretty and a straight bro. Honestly she was this very strange mixture of hick, leftist, and gamer. It was really entertaining. She was very intelligent and called me out so many times. We had good conversations. But she was forsure not over her Ex and I was not myself while around her which eventually pushed her away. Which is a nonchalant way to say she blocked me outta nowhere. Did I deserve it ? Idk really. I was being weird forsure. Boundaries between the two of us were not set properly and she saw me at my lowest. And my guy you don’t wanna see that. Like I get why she left. Her story Arch was tiny. But I’ll always remember her as that tiny girl I met during Covid.

So after losing my job, my research project, my friends, the girl, and then also my hair (don’t ask). I was honestly in the strangest zone in my life. I spent so many days in bed. Forcing my eyes to stay closed to make the day move faster. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror because I didn’t like the person looking back and dude I couldn’t afford the things I had grown accustomed to.  

You can’t do that forever though. Like you can’t just live in this state of self pity. I mean I can’t. And I didn’t.

So post the girl leaving, we had Four new roommates move in one ima air out right now and the other who I misjudged. Actually I misjudged both. Shocker right? Byrice, Pavel, Ted, and Uncle. When I met Pavel he was this stinky dude with like no possessions on him. He was constantly buying weed from me and to put it simply he was a mess. Then there was that fuck head white entitled motherfucker Byrice. OMG he was the worst person. The dude was ripped out of his mind but he was a sociopath, he was such a strange dude. He was super disrespectful and only stayed around for a month. So right after he left we got Ted. Ted is great. He is this older dude but he has had the worst life. He is trying to make it in the weed world and that's about as much as I can tell you.  

So, right after Ted moved in Pavel began to restructure his life and began to talk to me as a friend and mentor. I learned how similar we were and honestly he is like a brother now. He is the funniest dude. We put structure into each other’s lives while talking through all our issues. Everyday we told each other 3 things we wanted to accomplish in the day. No matter how simple it was. Overtime the goals got more ambitious. And by June I was me again. Covid actually turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I’m playing Door Dash. Playing the UI system, all the while getting ready to apply for the big tech job that will change things entirely in January.  

So Finally we get to the most current chapter in my life; Uncle. Uncle is not my real Uncle. He is Pavel’s Half brother. And the Dude is fucking wild man. In fact we are gonna need another PH just to talk about it.

So Uncle is this Active military Assassin dude who is like IRL Extraction. He goes to different countries on some black ops shit and kills whatever threat the government assigns him too. He came into our lives because he was brought down by the only power in this world that can dismantle a man of his almost fictional status. No not al qaeda. No not PTSD. Divorce LMAO.  

He came to our place about a week ago. I can’t accurately write about him because of how ridiculously wild this dude is. I’ve never encountered anyone this powerful and well connected since my oneitus’s dad. I think I’m going to stop here because i want more drink and need to finish some more work before we hit midnight. Anyway things are ok. Im 24 now. I’m dating again. I have a plan and structure. I have excellent role models and the future is so bright I need sunglasses my dude.  

NO PROOF READING ONE TAKE DRAKE.

[ashiiblack]

Year in Review 2019

Total word count: 

Total fics written: 24 (a LOT of these are less than 1k)

Fandoms written in: BNHA, Yuri!!! on Ice, Harry Potter, Free!, and MCU

Chronological list of fics (in the order posted on AO3, not written)

Romance at the Roasted Bean (Harry/Draco, T, 1k) - Draco has a secret admirer.

Start With a Cold Brew (Victor/Yuri P, E, 5k) - Coffee Shop AU (this was technically written in 2018 but was in its exclusivity period for Victurio Anthology)

the music plays bitter, plays sweet (Harry/Draco, M, 1k) - Angsty with a hopeful ending of Harry’s marriage to Ginny ending.

The Taste of Something Different (Harry/Draco, T, 1k) - Harry is getting increasingly frustrated with his Auror partner’s inability to get him the right food.

Shining Bright (JJ/Yuri, T, 5k) - Five times JJ fails at asking out Yuri and the one time he succeeds (another 2018 fic in exclusivity for YOI Litmag).

The 80th Floor (Kirishima/Bakugou, M, 1k) - A deleted scene from the BNHA movie answering the question of how krbk ended up on the 80th floor.

Scars You Can’t See (Kirishima/Bakugou, G, 300 words) - Kirishima trying to comfort Bakugou after Kamino.

Strawberries (on your lips) (Kirishima/Bakugou, T, 900 words) - Studying with Kirishima turns into something unexpected.

The Bakugou Problem (Kirishima/Bakugou, T, 2k) - The Bakusquad decide to get Kirishima and Bakugou to date. Chaos ensues.

Fate Can Suck It (Kirishima/Bakugou, T, 3k) - Soulmate AU

I’ll unfold before you (Kirishima/Bakugou, E, 2k) - Post BNHA movie (and a sort of sequel to The 80th Floor)

Morning Light (Kirishima/Bakugou, T, 400 words) - After their first night together, Kirishima wakes up with Bakugou in his arms.

the fear of seeing death without ever loving you (Steve/Tony, E, 3k) - Steve returns the stones to their proper place but can’t help but see Tony one last time.

Truths in Letters (Harry/Draco, T, 5k) - Harry and Draco participate in a Guess the Penfriend inter-house unity game with interesting results. Epistolary fic written with just_another_loser.

Win-Win (Kirishima/Bakugou, E, 1500 words) - Bakugou likes that Kirishima can take his blasts. Kirishima just likes Bakugou.

Dare Me (Kirishima/Bakugou, T, 1500 words) - Uraraka gives Bakugou a dare. Eijirou isn’t sure what to think of it.

First Date (Kirishima/Bakugou, T, 1k) - Going from best friends to boyfriends isn’t the smoothest transition, but Bakugou and Kirishima make it work. (fun fact - this fic is based on @icicle33‘s Sims characters).

so good to be yours (Makoto/Haru, E, 2k) - Makoto visits Sydney while Haru is at a training camp for the Olympics. While things are awkward at first, they find their rhythm together again.

The Note (Kirishima/Bakugou, T, 1500 words) - Kirishima leaves a note to Bakugou on his desk confessing his crush to him. Humor and misunderstandings ensue.

everyday i want more of you (Kirishima/Bakugou, T, 2k) - Seven somewhat connected 300 word drabbles written for Chill November. Basically all krbk fluff.

Out of the Slipstream (Kirishima/Bakugou, E, 15k) - The professional road cycling AU no one asked for but I wrote it anyway.

Beauty, Like the Night (Iida/Aoyama, M, 10k) - A classic example of having to write the fic you want to read. Iida has a crush on Aoyama but it isn’t proper for a future hero to lust after his classmates.

Spark (Endeavor/Hawks, E, 2k) - When what Keigo thinks is a casual hookup suddenly becomes something more.

There’s also a week’s worth of BNHA Fluff Week Drabbles I wrote in June.

From my past year of writing…

My best story of this year: Honestly, probably my Stony fic. I was so raw after Endgame and this fic was screaming to be written. My most popular story of this year (by kudos, comments or notes): Stony again. One of those rare times I agree with stats.

Story of mine most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion: Take a chance on The Note? It’s only 1500 words. Most fun story to write: Beauty, Like the Night. Iidayama is my favorite rare ship and I fucking love Iida so much. Hardest story to write: Probably my cycling au. After thinking about this fic for so long, I really got in my head about it and didn’t feel like anything was good enough. Biggest disappointment: My drarry fics have been pretty off as of late. It doesn’t help when I have krbk basically always on my mind. Biggest surprise: Fun fact - I’m not a big fan of soulmate au tropes so I was pretty surprised Fate Can Suck It was so well received lmao. Honestly though I’ve warmed up to the genre since I wrote this one.

Most unintentionally telling story: Probably Stony again. I usually self insert into Tony but this time I went way into Steve.

Favorite Opening Lines: “We have a problem.” The Bakugou Problem

Favorite Closing Lines: “For now, they can sleep.” the fear of seeing death without ever loving you

Reflection time Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d predicted? I wrote a lot less. My goal was 100k and I ended up just shy of 65k. What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January? BNHA/Kiribaku/Endhawks. I fell pretty hard for krbk at the end of the first season then came the sports festival and their beautiful ship moments just kept coming. Endhawks I have no excuse other than they’re hot af together and so much opportunity for angst with feelings. What’s your own favorite story of the year? Dude idk. A lot of what I wrote was fun ficlets. I’m gonna have to go with either my cycling AU or iidayama. I know I said I struggled with the cycling au but I’m fairly happy with how it turned out. Did you take any writing risks this year? Not exactly. The Stony was definitely different from my usual style. Do you have any fanfic goals for the new year? Gonna shoot for 100k for 2020 again. I’m doing the Tododeku Big Bang and then I have two Kiribaku ideas I’m going to write. One will be a oneshot and the other will likely be a longer fic. I’d also like to do some sort of drabble event because I really enjoy the challenge with a limited word count.

Decade wrapped

If you’re still with me, I want to briefly reflect on my decade of fanfiction. I’ve been writing fic since 2002 but I fell in and out of it through high school. I didn’t really get back into writing until 2010 toward the very end of college. I met @icicle33 thru ffnet at the end of 2011 and she introduced me to LJ events and fests and exchanges and my writing style developed a ton. I fell out of it a bit in the middle of the decade but came back in full force in 2017 (thanks again in large part to Icicle), especially once I joined YOI fandom. In this decade, I’ve written/posted roughly 600k words (I feel like the distinction is important because I also have about 100k of unposted WIP/outline/nonsense). I’ve made friends, enemies, laughed, cried, met multiple fandom friends irl including my darling @phaytesworld and Icicle, modded and written for zines, and so much more. Writing has always been a way for me to explore a different side of myself, to play in a sandbox with no stakes. I can’t imagine where I would be without it. Here’s to another 10 years and you can bet in 2029 my old ass will still be writing. Should the world have ended by then, you can find me in hell writing porn.

[niall-is-my-dream]

Help!

So I've just received this weird message on wattpad, has anyone else had this?

More under cut

the first thing I want to say is that I am not the best person at all the person I’m about to talk about I cared about so so much but clearly she didn’t like I did even though I thought she did after all this stuff happend I said some stuff that I won’t repeat to her friend and I regret it but you have to understand what truly happend. Also btw this isn’t apart of it at all but if we are going to be ibfs I want to talk as much as possible. I’m truly hoping we can be ibfs and it can last for months BC I’ve had horrible experiences .  By the way i wrote this so long ago but that girl is old news but now i did find someone new it lasted till January then she just started ignoring me. it’s all just so hard. Also we can talk more about this on Thursday. My mom just says sometimes like my heart is really big and I get attached to easily and it always bites me in the ass. anyways I’m gonna get to the story now and btw random fun facts about me my brother and sister have autisum I’m a triplet and I’m suppsed to be a senior rn but I got held back in kindergarten so I’m in 11th grade I’m now a senior but I’m homeschooled Rn ANYWAYS irrelevant. so I started messaging this girl and we figured out we were going to the same Niall show and we instantly became close. And I was so excited BC I recently had lost a ibf ... anyways . We ended up saying we were gonna be ibfs and I met her at the Niall show. I loved her even more in person. And we kept in contact . There’s more to the story but I’ll get to it anyways so we kept in contact meaning we lit talked everyday. When we had free time. I thought she was the coolest I was so happy BC she loved Niall just as much as me which is not healthy. Anyways shdhdhhf. Like I was gonna send her a gift and evreything . And we would talk on the phone late nights too. Like talk about all this personal shit there wasn’t anything we wouldn’t say to eachother. Long story short we were doing this one thing which I will explain inin the next Paragrah . But . We would fight sometimes but I think it’s BC we were so comfty around eachother and she’s blocked me. before - but we talked it out and I thought she would never ever again. But u have to understand I got so attached to her and I love twitter and my irl friends but she was special but weeks ago  she blocked me for the last time lit right after we made up and she blocked me BC we were arguing how tall Niall was- Now to the important part I mean it was all important but :( I said there was this one thing we did and I’m gonna explain it to u Rn and after I explain it all I just want you to :( ... like I’ve tried this with a few ppl and it always goes well but the ppl end up like hurting me or som or som goes wrong so it dosent work . But I want you to at least try :( I promise if u don’t like it we don’t have to but if u love Niall I really think that u will :( IK I sound crazy but all this stuff is really important to me . So I thank you for reading this. I really just want you to try and I think you really will like it if u love Niall So basically what it is is like ugh I just pray you say yes . And we would only do it when you are free and I am free trust me it’s not all the time and we would do it in the iG dms x anyways so like it’s not that complicated so like its basically like we would act out concepts with Niall but like realistic ones. And we can come up with them together, after we build the characters foundations. Like it’s kinda about like if Niall had a gf what would it be like . Now the girl in it I’ll tell u her name we just use her as the gf but like IK this girl and she’s so pretty and she loves Niall and I’m a visual person so like when I act this stuff out I like to imagine what the girl would look like. And I have a few pics of her and I wanted to send some to u and u can be 100000% honest if u think she’s nialls type and then follow her on iG a few other Niall stans follow her so it’s not weird. But ya we just use her for her looks but I would act out the personality in the Rp I Gusse I could go ahead and say it her name is well we can pick....  but that’s not her name irl and then you would play Niall :) and u know just try to act like him as much as possible it takes a bit to get used to but IK u can do it BC IK u love him. And u can’t even do a bad job even if u do I don’t care the fact that u are trying is all that matters. AND we would only do this when we’re both free idk if I said that already. Even if are free time is limited. And I swear im not a weirdo I just it’s hard to explain I just want all this to work out I just I’ve been let down so many times and I’m sick of it. And then also some of them have a little bit of sexual stuff in there but like we would never ever cross the line of having full on sex unless in months time u become comfortable . And when I did it with her for those parts she always told me if she was uncomftable and I respect that and never ever go to hard. That’s pretty much all I had to say but like IK I sound crazy . If u say yes which I pray to god u will I can talk more about it and we can start like soon.  U seem amazing. Sorry FOR THE TYPOS :( IK it sounds confusing as hell but love can u just try  if u love him I swear you will love this and we won’t do it all the time only when we both are free even if it’s not a lot..  and I’ve also been searching for so so long to find the right person ,, and I think u are. Also when I say Rp it’s more of like cute lovey concepts it’s not like sexual scary crap sgsfsgfgg and I promise we can make it fun and only do it when we are free even if that’s not a lot . X I reread this bc I wrote it so long ago I hate that I’m repeating myself.... a lot lol. But ya if u say yes we can discuss everything.

This message was weird right?!

This was my reply:

Yeah this is making me really uncomfortable. I'm not sure on what world you think it's acceptable to message someone with a crazy idea like this but you should know it's not ok. I'm not surprised people have blocked you. You sound like you need to get offline and go outside and into the real world. I like Niall a normal amount, I am a regular fan who enjoys writing. You are too young to be getting lost in the world of the internet. I'm in my 30s and married and have kids, the whole idea of pretending to be a girl and Niall messaging is weird and creepy. I suggest you speak to someone, an adult, a teacher, a parent and get some support.

Was I too harsh?

[danishprince]

redid this 92 questions meme from 4 years ago for Fun and Profit because i like seeing how much i’ve changed over the years. not tagging anyone, but if you want to answer the questions, go wild

what was your…

last beverage? woter

last phone call? a confidential call to a research lab at my university because they’re studying alcohol use in young adults and wanted to know if i fit the criteria to be in the study (i do, so i get money for it fuck yeah)

last text message? i told my dad that our neighbors got two of their trees cut down and his response was “Wwwow”

last song listened to? currently listening to “evening prayer aka justice” by ezra furman!

last time you cried? maybe like saturday or sunday? not really sure

have you ever…

dated someone twice? nah

been cheated on? don’t believe so

kissed someone and regretted it? eh i’ve had a few kisses that i look back and kinda cringe at because we were really drunk or i was Not Into Them or whatever, but actually, truly regret? no. 

lost someone special? it’s been awhile since anyone close to me died. my maternal grandma (and step-grandpa) are getting pretty old/less healthy though so i’m like starting to already feel weird snatches of anticipatory grief for that which :/

been depressed? i’d say so yeah, on occasion

been drunk and vomited? fun story i briefly thought i was allergic to alcohol freshman year because i’d throw up every time i drank. TURNS OUT however i just was a dumbass who didn’t know how to hold their liquor

list three favourite colors: hot pink, teal, black

in the last year, have you…

made a new friend? yes indeed

fallen out of love? cannot say that i have

laughed so hard there were tears? oh constantly. though i do that regularly because of the dumbest shit, so that’s not, like, an anomaly

met someone who changed you? YES the professor of my psych lab whom i ADORE

found out who your true friends are? yeah, or at least i feel way more comfortable and grounded in my friendships than i did. which is cool!

found out someone was talking about you? i overheard my coworker at our (drama-filled, my god) orientation leader job bitching about some other coworkers, but then what she said about me was “yeah katie’s pretty cool” so i was like :) :) neat

kissed anyone on your facebook “friend list”? hell yeah babey

general questions.

how many of your facebook friends do you know in person? the vast majority. there’s a few Spelling Bee Kids who’ve just added me for Spelling Bee Clout that i don’t know irl, but otherwise i don’t really add people i don’t know

how many siblings do you have? 1 (one) 16-year-old bröther

do you have any pets? 1 (one) very old round guinea pig named hamlet

do you want to change your name? eh not really. i’m not, like, obsessed with it, but it’s a decent name and i have no urge to change it

what did you do for your last birthday? i turned 21, but it was a monday, so i went to a restaurant with three of my friends and ordered 1 (one) Alcoholic Beverage. then later that week i went to a coffee bar that serves alcohol later at night with some of my other friends and had more Alcoholic Beverages there

when did you wake up today? 9:30ish

what were you doing at midnight last night? being asleep lmao

something you cannot wait for: going to arizona and later going back to kentucky for senior year of college (holy fuck)

when did you last see your mother? like 15 minutes ago, she’s doing laundry or something

what is one thing you wish you could change about your life? where 2 begin. uhh i wish i was more naturally outgoing instead of having to consciously turn on my Extrovert Persona in certain scenarios and end up getting super drained from it. i also wish i knew what the fuck i was doing with my life but i think that’s just, like, The Eternal Twenty-Something Mood (at least i hope it is dear god)

what are you listening to right now? the song “rodeo” by lil nas x, which PERSONALLY said gay rights

have you ever talked to a person named tom? yes multiple, and every tom(my) i have hated (sorry if you’re a tom and you’re a decent human bean)

what’s getting on your nerves right now? i have to do a bunch of important life and school stuff but i am procrastinating it! so i guess...my brain

most visited webpages: twitter, tumblr, discord, instagram, the dear prudence advice column on slate dot com lmfao

blood type: o+ i believe, but i am too smol to donate blood so i do not know for sure :(

nicknames: some of my friends refer to me over text as k8e and i love it tbh. also katie itself is a nickname

relationship status: single but like, kind of a thot

zodiac sign: virgo sun cancer moon cancer rising 

pronoun: they/them but she/her is also fine

primary school: private lutheran school

middle school: the same private lutheran school

high school: public school

college: university of kentucky for undergrad and also a concurrent grad program (long story). maybe more grad school???? somewhere else??? or not???? I Don’t Know

hair colour: honey blonde

long or short: hair? just got it cut short in january and it was the best decision i ever made

height: 5’6"

do you have a crush on someone? define “crush”

what do you like about yourself? i’m a good listener and writer and also sometimes my Funney Joaks land

do you have any tattoos? nah. i am afear’d i’d regret it

are you right- or left-handed? right-handed

first surgery: some ear procedure thing in kindergarten. if that doesn’t count i got half my wisdom teeth out the summer before college and the other half the summer after freshman year (but was technically awake for both) 

first piercing: ear piercings when i turned sixteen

first best friend: uhhhhh my friend stephanie from home-preschool? or this girl named grace who was my kindergarten best friend but then moved away

first sport you joined: i believe dance classes when i was but a little peanut

first vacation: idk? we went to san diego when i was two i think? don’t remember it though

first pair of trainers/sneakers: good question. had some boss-ass light-up shoes once 

right now i am…

eating: popped corn

drinking: woter 

about to: hopefully write this [bernie sanders voice] damn email, but who is to say : - )

listening to: my liked songs on spotify (currently “i think i’m going to kill myself” by elton john)

interested in having children? if that’s how the proverbial cookie proverbially crumbles, yeah. that idea seems really far away even though i know high school classmates with kids.

interested in getting married? yes, but if and only if i meet the right person

ready for a career or have one? [sobbing]

which is better…?

lips or eyes? eyes generally, but lips are also Good

hugs or kisses? k i s s e s. i lov to kiss. love hugs too though if it’s with friends

shorter or taller? actually being a similar height to me is optimal! 

older or younger? mmm i tend to subconsciously lean older, but younger is fine too

romantic or spontaneous? the wording seems to imply that “romantic” and “spontaneous” are opposites which just isn’t true. both?? 

nice stomach or nice arms? arms i guess?

sensitive or loud? my first impulse was “loud” but like....loud in that i tend to gravitate to people who are more extroverted than me, but not in terms of being overtly annoying or demanding.

hook-up or relationship? :^) judging by my History(tm) it’d be committed hook-up, lol. but like either is good. am not about sex with a stranger though.

troublemaker or hesitant? troublemaker ~vibes~ but not actually, like, a danger in any way. being hesitant can be cute, but i myself am often pretty hesitant so it can become an Awkwardness Standoff more often than not

have you ever…

kissed a stranger? no, but came damn close in greece

drunk hard liquor? oh yeah lmao

lost glasses or contacts? i’m sure i’ve lost a pair of contacts somewhere in there

had sex on the first date? depends on your definition of “sex”, and also on your definition of “date” really, but also Yeah

broken someone’s heart? i hope not, but i think maybe :/

had your own heart broken? ....ish?

been arrested? nope

turned someone down? yyyyyyep

cried when someone died? not in my memory? though i might have

fallen for a friend? :^) haha oh yeah

do you believe in…

yourself? i try oh my god do i try

miracles? i think

love at first sight? nah. i think intrigue at first sight is a thing, or lust at first sight, or even just a bizarre extraterrestrial sense of Knowing, but real genuine love? nahhhh son you gotta know someone deeply for that. mortifying ordeal of being known and all that

heaven? mm yeah i’d say so

santa claus? no, and i haven’t for a hot minute there

kissing on the first date? lol yeah kiss away

angels? fuck yeah sometimes they’re circle things with 56879879677 eyes and they’re cool af

well in review i have indeed changed quite a bit from myself four years ago! in summary i am more of a thot and also drink alcohol. idk. my answers then ~seemed~ more sure of myself in terms of, like, this façade of being chill all the time, but less sure re: how i related to other people. all my angst on those questions was about school instead of general personhood. 4 years ago i also definitely /remember/ being insecure (at the time) about the fact that i’d never kissed anyone/etc., but my answers themselves don’t look that way. (sidenote being insecure about that kind of thing really isn’t worth it, everyone does life at their own pace.) whereas now i feel more open actively discussing my insecurities (see above re: future plans/etc.) instead of just boxing them down and pretending they don’t exist. as a high schooler i thought i was bad at being a person, and i feel like i’m a lot better at being authentic with myself (and ergo, being a person) now. though of course there is no right way to be a person which is something i still frequently have to remind myself.

ANYWAY yeah that was a fun waste of an hour feel free to use these questions for yrself

[paw-patrol-kiddo]

2018 for my regressive side

Oh my gosh, we’re at the end of the year already! It went by sooooo fast!!! I’m a shook baby hee hee hee

Anyways, as some of y’all may remember, I did a post like this last year! Things have happened since then, things have changed-- and I wanna cover it all! I don’t think I’d call this the best year of my life (I say this because I’m not so sure about 2017 being the best year of my life anymore tbh), but it was still pretty dang good!!! Had its hard parts and such, bu otherwise, was a v good year!!!!

Y’all probs know the drill: I write mostly about my age regression adventures this year, with occasional bits of my Teenage Life(tm) sprinkled in here and there! I try to keep the latter to very important events, though (frankly, I think I have failed terribly at this, but do I care? At this point in my life, not really tbh), and mostly focus on regression when I can.

If you wanna do somethin like this for what this year held for your regressive side, feel free to!! I’d love if ya tagged me in it so I can read it!

Are we ready for the year review? I am and hope you are! It’s below the cut if ya wanna read it! Here we go!!!

January of course started off with my 16th birthday! It also marked five years (note: I miswrote this as either five or six in my first year review post! It’s actually been five, almost six years now) since I started liking diapies again, something that’s been a part of my life on-and-off since 2010 for sure, though I think I’ve liked them since at least 2008 according to my memories and the vibes I get from them!

“Chloe, why is this important?” You probably ask as you read that sentence.

Well, personally, I think it’s a huge part of what led me to begin age regressing! I started off liking diapies, then I started wondering about “being and acting like a baby/toddler again”, I started acting on some of the desires and urges I got as a result whenever I could, and well, it went on from there as we can see!

Towards the end of this month, I got some cool baby toys, more toddler snacks, and another pack of binkies! That was a pretty good-ish day from what I’m able to remember. c:

Oh yeah! I gots another rattle before then! She was one of the only good parts of a terrible day. I still love her so much.

This month, I also began seeing a friend irl again that I refer to here as friendo! We first met when we were 12, saw each other again twice when we were both 13, and then never met again... until back in 2017 at a Halloween event! For most of this year, we saw each other weekly, and I’m so happy to say that friendo is my best irl friend. He’s really an amazing guy. He doesn’t know it, but he’s helped me get through the rest of my depressive episode.

Yup, I said it. Remember when I said I thought the episode I had back in November last year was over and that I probably just cheated one and thus was irritable as a result? Hoo, buddy, I was so wrong... I was still depressed and had no idea and it blew up in my face. It was bad. I’m talking being hardly able to get my chores done, being able to get out of bed being a miraculous achievement, happiness being a rare feeling. 

It was so bad that my doctor told me if I kept having problems, we’d have to talk about “getting a mood stabilizer or anti-depressant on board”. 

Fortunately, it hasn’t reached that point, and things started getting gradually better when I finally admitted I was depressed and got help after things took a sharp turn for the worse briefly (my parents even let me take a few days off of my chores so I could focus on resting and recovery! They’re no strangers to depression themselves).

The only happy thing I can really note during this time involving regression is that I discovered one of the very few things that could make me feel happy that wasn’t involving my special interests: Wearing diapers. It’s kinda funny to me!  Depressed me was quick to figure out that was likely one of her best ways to cope. 

That event sucks because now whenever I start feeling sad for more than one day, well, as you can imagine I immediately begin worrying that it’s coming back for another round. Whenever I stop feeling as happy, I start observing myself more closely. The thought of it coming back actually scares me.

I know one thing for sure: If that beast comes back, I’m going to get myself medicated for it ASAP. I’d really rather not, but if it comes back, then I guess it’s safe to say that seeing as I’ve struggled with depression on-and-off since at least 2013, medication’s probably a good idea!

Man! How’s that for a ramble? Let’s move on and talk about February! My ex came back to me after he stopped talking to me in October. At first, I was so happy! I quickly began befriending him again, especially after I learned that his ex-girlfriend, whom he had just broke up with, was less-than-ideal towards him.

But then I discovered he wanted to get back with me and was actively trying to get me to. I was scared if I flat-out said “I do not want to get back with you. I want to just be friends”, he’d flip out in the bad way. Honestly, he probably would. So what did I do?

Did what I felt was best to do with the help of Mama.

Let’s just say we’re not friends anymore. :3c I still feel bad about it sometimes, but hey, I can write An Actual List of problems involving our relationship, romantic and otherwise, so I guess it’s valid to not be comfortable with being his friend anymore, especially since it’s clear he just wants me back with him, no matter how I feel. He still stares at me whenever we play baseball. It bothers me a lot. Hopefully, he’ll get over me soon.

On the more positive and regressive side of things, some cool things happened. Friendo also pretty much called me out about me being little a lot (even when I’m big!) and accepted it without realizing it. Some may say he didn’t, but I think he did and it means so much to me. Pretty sure I almost cried of joy when that happened. I think about it every now and then and love friendo a little more. He’s a keeper for sure when it comes to friends!

March was w i l d. First day into the month, I literally had one of my then-rare nonverbal episodes. I was worried that maybe I was beginning to become depressed again as I noticed I was beginning to feel more tired. As I know now, turns out it was just my autistic burnout kind of setting back in-- oh, and my anxiety beginning to reach the point where I couldn’t cope anymore. But I didn’t know this at the time.

I shrugged it off briefly-- until I had another episode while on voice-chat with friendo. And another one the next day while on a real life trip to a museum. And then another when Kim came to visit... The nonverbal episodes rapidly became a close-to-daily experience, sometimes totally daily. As I watched myself “regress” as my mom and aunt put it, I was confused and scared about what was happening to me. The confusion eased once I figured out it was burnout, but obviously the fear didn’t really.

I went off my ADHD medication I was taking at the time (Adderall) towards the end of the month. I still find it interesting that I couldn’t regress on it. I don’t quite know why! I just couldn’t.

I tried taking two other medications after, but they... didn’t quite work, at least in pleasant ways. I won’t go into detail on those!

Kiddo-wise, I got new window curtains for my room! They’re one of the first things I see every morning. It’s very nice~ One of the things that gives my room the kiddy vibe of it. Oh, and I got a Paw Patrol bowl this month, too! I love to eat Cheerios out of it~

Literally the last day of this month, guess what happened? Kim moved in! That was an awesome day~ It sucked seeing her cry, though (that part right there? A bit of a personal part that I suppose I won’t share since I’m not sure if she’d be okay with it or not)

April was a Nice Month! I finally started going to occupational therapy (I was originally going to start in May, but I got pushed forward a month) and I can say with confidence it’s helped me a lot in the time I got to go. My occupational therapist taught me a lil trick I can do before I actually try eating any foods I want to try and it’s made my life much easier. I can try all the kiddy foods I want now without feeling as anxious about it! :D Who would’ve known that I’d like peanut butter sandwiches and string cheese? I wouldn’t have! Also, the Wilbarger brush? A gift to mankind imo

What else happened this month? Let’s see here... I went on anxiety medication via suggestion of my therapist/psychologist (oh my gosh, life-changer right there friends, 10/10, I actually don’t know how I lived without it), watched my nonverbal episodes take a major decrease afterwards, and Mommy surprised me with a pack of diapies with tapes! I can definitely say I prefer diapies with tapes, but I’m not that picky. Actually, I kind of am. It depends on how old I’m regressing to. Then I’m kinda picky, heh heh

May tbh? A pretty quiet month. All I can note is that summer break started for Kai and I and we both got to actually take a full summer break without the usual math-work we have to do! (I’m dyscalculic and prone to what my mom and I call “math skill regression”, so that’s why I have to practice. Idk about Kai, but I think it’s because she seems to have some difficulties with math herself)

The day I was told about our Complete Summer Break(tm), man, I flipped! I told myself I would make this summer the littlest one ever! Did I succeed? Sadly, no. But hey, there’s always next summer! And the next one if that doesn’t work out...

June was super-duper cool! I got a new bed to replace my queen-sized one and I managed to get a complete Paw Patrol bed set for it! I love my bed so much~ It’s so cute and Literally Perfect, especially when we consider the fact that I also have a weighted blanket with Elsa and Anna from Frozen on it! (I’ve actually had it for about two years now, but it’s not shown in the photo-set in the link!) Oh, and let’s not forget the Pillow Pet I’ve used as my main pillow since I first received it back in 2010! (That’s not in the photo-set either!)

The day after I got my new bed? Baseball ended for the summer. I knew what to do the first Saturday of no baseball. Funny enough, as if she read my mind, Mama surprised me with some Paw Patrol bandages that day! They always cheer me up whenever I get a boo-boo :3c

Towards the end of this month, I celebrated this blog’s one year anniversary! I am seriously so glad I made this blog. If I hadn’t, I can’t imagine what my life would be like, where I’d still be hiding this from A LOT of people, where I likely wouldn’t have met and become friends with quite a bit of y’all, where I wouldn’t have become more comfortable with myself. I’m sure I’d be very unhappy and feeling so trapped and lonely involving this. Otherwise... I simply can’t imagine what my life would be like otherwise.

As if I observed this day without thinking, I went to the Dollar Store pretty much next to Easter Seals (where I went for occupational therapy) place and had quite the shopping trip! That was fun~

July was a pretty nice month, I suppose! Early this month marked one year since I first wore a diaper for the first time since my first childhood! I just had to observe it in a specific way (aka wearing a diaper), only the day before the actual anniversary itself. Funny enough, Kim’s cat ended up coming to live with us that day! Her name is Rogue and she's really cute! She can be really mean sometimes, though. She ended up having kittens later this month~

Another regression-related thing that happened was that while we were on vacation, I got some cool toys! I got a train with lil block things on it, three stacking cars, a pink spiky ball, and two teddy rattles! I... still need to post pictures of those, apparently. I also got a dinoroar plushie that I named Jackson! He’s one of my favorite plushies and I love him a lot. I should post a piccy of him on here sometime!

Something else that happened on vacation was that I went nonverbal the second day of being there. Everyone, including me, was chill since it was normal by then. I went to bed that night and woke up the next morning, only to find I was still nonverbal. Talk about quite a shock for everyone! (I normally stop being nonverbal once I sleep, so this was really weird for me)

I ended up spending the rest of the vacation nonverbal, which I was pretty chill with, save for some problems communicating in a hot-tub without my tablet (Kim had a hard time keeping up with what I signed). 

The day after we got home, back came my verbal skills. Five days later? If I’ve got my memory of what day correct, I heard Dad coming home from where he volunteers occasionally and suddenly got the paralyzing feeling in my throat I usually get just before I go nonverbal. In around ten minutes, I was nonverbal, but for seemingly no reason. 

Save for two or so brief breakthroughs, I spent quite a while without mouth-words. My family and therapist and I have figured out what the cause is likely since then. (It’s quite long... I actually had the explanation here, but removed it cause it was Way Too Long. If anyone’s curious, I’m okay with talking about it if anyone wants to message me n ask about it~)

August isn’t very exciting! 

Non-kiddo wise, I got my IPad to use as an AAC device! I use Proloquo2go on it if anyone’s curious. I honestly love it a lot.

Kiddo-wise, the only thing I can really note is that I... kinda started sucking my thumb again. Oops :3c Kim’s made me mostly stop though, by kind of using consequences for me if I didn’t stop and get my chew necklace I like to suck on (One big example I can think of: “Go get your necklace or we won’t cuddle anymore.”). She even had Kai take over redirecting me when she left for Texas the next month! It’s not fun, but I guess I don’t need to risk making my already severe overbite worse.

September didn’t have a lot either! The only thing I can think of noting is that I tried some Paw Patrol mac n cheese. Either the two or so brands I’ve tried weren’t that good or I just don’t like mac n cheese! Who knows? I’m probably gonna try Kidfresh’s mac n cheese if I can actually find it irl and if I don’t like it, I think we can safely conclude that I just don’t like mac n cheese.

October was a v nice month as semi-usual the past couple years! I finally got some Kidfresh food to try out. I like their super-blastin’ triple cheese pizza bites a lot! I don’t like their chicken meatballs, though. I have quite a bit of foods I wanna try from Kidfresh next and I can’t quite decide which, but I’ll probably try their cheese pizza or chicken nuggets or maybe their fish sticks next!

I also went trick-or-treating for Halloween! it was super fun, except when Kai got upset about being treated Not So Great by others (Example: People loved to give kiddos multiple pieces of candy and just give her one piece when her turn came, despite having lots of candy for everyone... Can confirm this myself) and when I used my IPad to say trick-or-treat for the first time there, I was greeted by the lady turning away from me, apparently no longer paying attention to me, and beginning to go on about “kids playing on their phones and tablets”... How’s that for hurtful? Last time I checked, Halloween was for everyone, no matter how they say trick-or-treat.

In case anyone’s wondering, I’m going trick-or-treating again next year and have no plans to stop ever cause I’m stubborn. :3c I’m just going to find a place that will be cool with people “too old to be trick-or-treating” trick-or-treating to take my trick-or-treating business-- and hey, maybe I won’t have to encounter any ableism there!

November has nothing I can note besides me getting a new pair of overalls! This was not only useful seeing as I might be getting close to outgrowing my first pair I got a few years back, but also welcome! It’s nice having overalls that are blue instead of some green country print thing all over.

December was... an adventure! I slowly began regaining my mouth words, which means that I can babble again (A lot of the sounds I make while babbling are apparently inaccessible to me when I’m nonverbal as I’ve discovered)! It’s nice being able to babble to myself again when I’m very small instead of just staying silent and occasionally giggling, squealing, and perhaps vocal stimming in the way I’m able to when I’m nonverbal.

At Walmart, while shopping for some fellow kiddo friends (y’all know who y’all are, hee hee hee~), I ended up picking up some small stuff for myself! I got another Paw Patrol plate, a set of bath toys, and a doggie and piggy rattle! I’ve posted a piccy of the plate already, but not everything else! Guess that’s some of the stuff I need to do for next year~

Christmas was great! I got lots of toys! I also got quite a bit of Paw Patrol merch! I love my new toys so much. I’m especially glad that I finally have more blocks to play with, and another Mr. Potato Head I can make super great creations with, like monsters n aliens disguised as a repairman!

Oh! I also got a Fisher-Price record player toy after wanting it for so long! I love it soooo much!! Whenever I play with it, I get so flappy n clappy n wiggly n vocal stimmy... I just have so much love for it! It’s definitely one of my favorite toys to play with right now.

I also got a 3D model of the solar system that I’m gonna build n hang up in my room sometime soon! I actually had a 3D model of the solar system in one of my kiddo room fantasies for the longest time omg. Oooh, if I can find a way to get rid of the popcorn ceiling (never put glow-in-the-dark stuff on a popcorn ceiling), I bet it would go so good with another glow-in-the-dark star set that also includes a big 3D moon and 6 meteorite stones! Y’all, my room just gets cuter and more kiddie-like as time goes on...

As we can all see, I’ve had quite the year! It’s had its good and bad parts of course, and I’d say overall, it was a pretty good year! Hmm, you know what? I should list some people who have played a role in making this year Great!

Mommy - Mama, I can’t even begin to express how thankful I am for all you’ve done for me. The past year you’ve taken me to therapy appointments, held me and bottlefed me, and helped me finally get occupational therapy after wanting to go for 3 years. You’re such a beautiful person, inside and out. You love me for who I am, and I love you for who you are right back <3

Daddy - I didn’t list you last year, but to be honest, I think I should this year! You’re trying your best and I can appreciate that. From taking me to therapy appointments, to being okay with me using bottles and sippy cups, to getting me that Paw Patrol nightlight back in May if I’m correct, you’ve done a lot for me. You’re a good dad. I need to tell you that more often. I love you Daddy.

Kai - You’re such a good sister I can’t even begin-- You’re just? so accepting of me??? and you’re such a good person???? I’m love you????? Seriously, thank you for being there for me pretty much all our lives and taking care of me whenever I needed it, especially early this year during my depressive episode. Love ya sis <3

Kim - I, umm... I love you!! You’re so sweet, gentle, and you’re so accepting of my age regression (or as you call it, “identifying as a 7-year-old”). I had lots of fun browsing the toy aisle with you that one time! I’ve miss you lots since you decided to stay in Texas back in October, but hey, at least you’ll visit us sometimes! And you’ve got a nice man I actually like to live your life with. Love ya sissy <3

Ray - You’re super cool and adorable~ (Random fun fact: I tend to think of you whenever I read- or hear- the word “Ray”) Also, I still love that mood board ya made me back in 2017. I’m never gonna get over it! Hope you’re doing alright, buddy <3

Cass - It’s been even longer since we talked! You haven’t been on Tumblr in a while it seems, actually. I hope you’re doing okay and that you’re just busy (in a good way, preferably) and that’s why you haven’t been online! You’re so cute and sweet. Whenever I can, you know what I’m gonna do? Take a picture of my bumblebee plushie and send it to you, just for you <3

Leah - Oh goodness, you’re someone else who I haven’t talked to in a while, as well as who seems to not have been as active as of late. I hope you’re doing okay! I can’t thank you enough for the times you checked on me when I wasn’t okay. You are... so sweet I literally can’t

Meena - You are literally... so cute! You’re super sweet, too! I always have lots n lots of fun whenever we video-chat n talk together! You n Iku are actually the first people whom I met on Tumblr I’ve gotten to video-chat with! Also, your cats are so pure n good I can’t. Please pet them for me if you can! (I love both you and Iku so much)

All my followers - Whether or not we’ve talked before, I love and appreciate all of my followers! According to my Totally Professional Research(tm), I have discovered a link between my followers and cuteness! I have lots of love for each and every one of y’all. Thanks for following me~

2018 has proven to be quite the adventure full of different discoveries, like that I’m very good at horse-riding, that I can spend at least an hour playing with my rattles and other baby toys if I want to, that I apparently have IBS... It’s been quite the ride!

This year has also proven to be the year of growth for me. I’m beginning to stand up for myself and my needs more often, I’ve become more proud of who I am, and each day that passes, I love myself more and continue to become less afraid to be who I truly am.

I can’t wait to see what next year will bring, and what kind of person I’ll become as time goes on. I’m sure my evolution of who I am as a person isn’t quite finished yet. Whatever I become, it’s bound to be wonderful. And most importantly, I get to enter next year with each and every one of y’all.

From my plushies, plush rattles, and I, happy, happy new year! May you learn to love yourself if you haven’t quite yet, your babas/sippies/kiddo cups always remain full of your favorite kiddo drink, and you always have lots of your favorite kiddy/baby things, whether it’s toys, diapies, binkies, or baby food n toddler snacks! 

As always, remember to stay little/tiny/small.

[lonely-journal-keeper]

How I figured out I was queer

I joined tumblr in 2015 the same year my best friend at the time had just come out as trans, another mutual “friend” had come out as pan, and I was slowly learning more and more about the lgbtq+ community. This community somehow felt. Idk relatable in a way I couldn’t explain i guess. One day, me and my best friend at the time were hanging out in my room when it somehow came up that I had never once had a crush on a boy. And I would lie about it socially but i just didn’t get crushes that way. Not only that, I had absolutely no desire to date a boy. And so my friend suggested, since I didn’t get crushes, I may be aro/Ace. And this both made perfect sense to me and utterly confused me. Suddenly the fact I was drawn to the lgbt community made sense, but also I was only 12. What if I was too young to know? Or if I was just a late bloomer?

It was a little after this my mom started saying things to me. “you know if ur gay we will love you anyway right?” “you can tell me if ur gay” “if u were gay you would tell me right?” This made me so uncomfortable. I was questioning being aro/Ace but I wasn’t sure, and I didn’t even know if that counted as being gay in the first place. So I said “No, I’m not gay.” Every single time, bc what else was I supposed to say? She would ask me this on a pretty regular basis until one day I told her to stop freaking asking me, and that if I was gay I would just tell her, she didn’t need to keep asking. And that mostly stopped her? But she continued (and continues) to hint and imply she thinks I’m not straight which has always made me feel more like I can’t come out to her.

I digress. Anyway, my middle school was homophobic af, and ace discourse was at its height so I kinda just. Repressed the fact I knew I wasn’t straight. The only way I acknowledged it at all was on tumblr through posts (that u can still find on my account) abt how confused I was and reblogs from other people.

I need to clarify that besides the one trans person and pansexual person (who I hated for unrelated reasons and haven’t spoken to in 6 years) I didn’t know any gay people irl. My friends in public school knew lots of lgbt people, but I went to a middle school with 12 people in the 6-12th grade multiple of whom would talk extensively about their hate for gay and trans people.

Alternatively, my highschool was a culture shock. Basically everyone there was queer, and very open about it. A few weeks into the school year I met someone who literally changed my life. It started with us talking about Legend of Zelda and Nintendo, before we realized we had a lot in common. My anime phase was coming to a close at this time, but when she found out I was interested in it, she told me she ran the anime club and I should join. And I, not having any friends, said of course. So I went to the anime club and found out the “club” was made up entirely of their friend group. This friend group included: a bisexual boy, a gay boy, a bisexual girl and my friend, who was a lesbian. They were all so open about it and I was kinda incredulous. Even with my lgbt friends before, being gay was always something that was talked about behind a closed door.

Anyway, because they were so chill about sexuality, pretty soon they asked me if I was also queer. And I honestly told them I had no idea. It had been a few years since I thought maybe I was aro/Ace but it didn’t feel right necessarily? To my surprise, those people were completely supportive and accepting about the fact I was still figuring it out. And it went on like this for most of freshman year until I think it was either right when the year was ending or right after it ended that I was joking with the wlw in the group about my pinterest obsession at the time. I mentioned that I had multiple secret boards on Pinterest where I just put pictures of women I thought looked extremely pretty. And they were immediately like “uhh that’s the gayest thing ive ever heard.” And I was like oh fuck. Maybe I’m attracted to women? Am I bi?

Something kinda sad is that before this point the idea of me being attracted to women had never even crossed my mind. Idk how to describe it other than it didn’t feel like an option available to me. My questioning was whether I was straight or on the aspec. Not if I liked women. When the idea that I may be wlw was proposed to me it kinda broke me.

My perception of myself had completely shifted. My friend started individually pointing things out to me that I did that were very gay, that I had never even noticed before. Of course, she noticed bc shes a lesbian. I would go to her with my questions about contradicting feelings, and would ask her questions about how she knew she was gay. This came to a head around October of my sophomore year when my friend sent me the lesbian master doc. She had found it on tumblr, skimmed it and said “wow this is you.” And it was. It felt like it was describing my life. I was p much sure that according to this document I was suffering from compulsive heterosexuality. Of course knowing this didn’t fix it, not completely. I was still terrified I was faking, sure if I was gay I would just know like everyone said I would.

It took months and many late night conversations w my friend who I referred to as my lesbian guru. It was late January when I finally admitted to myself that lesbian was probably the right term for me. My next step was to come out to my sibling, who the same month as me reading the master doc came out as bisexual. It took me until March to finally come out to them.

Of course I still have a ton of anxiety about what if I’m faking or making it up, or whatever, but I never would would’ve realized that I was exhibiting lesbian behavior without direct help from the people in my life at the time.

I don’t know if I would’ve realized that being attracted was a valid “option” open to me if I hadn’t met them.

[in-paradox-space]

when I'm high I'm able to realize nothing matters so I shouldn't worry about it. Shit doesn't always have to be bad, I can find happiness. 

its been a long week and i have thoughts to purge.

When I'm not high I think about how everything is meaningless. We're tirelessly destroying the planet (probably) to keep our lives and expansion going but none of it matters. I am sad, empty and can't find reasons to be happy.

 I think about a girl who I've only met twice in my life. She's not my type... If I even have a type. It hurts how much I want to be with her. I've stopped trying to make sense of it. I'm trying to ignore my feelings. Hoping one day the pain will stop. I'd go through so much pain if I knew I was guaranteed time with her at the end of it though. I spoke about her in September...

 During my huge one week MDMA comedown which made me want to quit everything for good. It took a few weeks but I got over her. She was on my mind every second though. I couldn't make sense of it as I only met her once. I put it down to being very low after taking so much drugs and the fact that I literally never hang out with girls.

 I put it down to that this time as well. 3 or 4 months later I got to meet her again. Last week, I went into town with two other friends. We met up with her there. I did coke for the first time that night too. Friday, December 15 2017 and the early hours the next day. I did coke. I almost got off with a 35 year old woman but my friends were there to stop me. We went to the girls house that night too. I sort of cuddled her while she slept but I was wide awake.

 It was awkward but I was taking in the moment. The other two friends were in the same bed too. It was awkward. They was telling me to cuddle her. I would've never made that move myself. It felt like an arranged marraige. It was awkward because I knew she probably didn’t want me there but she kept saying its alright I can hold her. 

 In the end I just sat by myself, on my phone, wide awake, almost the last of my cough syrup, cocaine and too much booze slurring my mind left to right, while the others slept. We left at 10amish, went back to my friends house.

 Last night. Two days ago. Wednesday. The girl and those two friends went into town again, but I was at my dads place so I didn't come along. Real shit if I knew she was there I might have just got a train that day. Maybe it was best I didn't. So my good bro, uhhhhh they all did MD, not a lot but they blacked out because they was drinking.

I need to stop going into so much detail here. I just feel like I'll read back on these in a few years and I don't want to forget. Why does it matter though?

Well, the girl I like said that my bro was making moves on her and probably fucked her that night. His gf was there too. Nobody remembers so nobody is really viable here.

(switching from mobile to PC typing here)

The girl seems to remember¿

well I think my friend and his gf are probably gonna break up for good. My friends pretty unstable right now.

I was planning on spending a nice night with a different friend, who would never get himself into this kind of mess, he's having a lot of people round and I wanted to be there.

I'm probably gonna be in a hospital waiting room with my friend the whole night though. Being alone right now can't be good for him. Being alone is painful for me right now. I used to like it.

so how do i feel about this?

a little imbalanced. a lot of different feelings.

I slept a full day after the coce. 

I came down hard. My liver has been having some problems so I’m stopping drinking for good. 

Had a funeral on the Monday. My grandmothers.

It’s sad to see her go. 

It was a hopeful funeral though. A lot of tears but she knew how to turn a bad thing into a good thing. There was that feeling there. Surrounded by good family with good intentions and bad pasts.

Went to my fathers, on the other side of the country, later that day. 

I’ve been so depressed there. In that wintery void. 

I’ve been getting fevers and illnesses, likely from my liver. Nausea, fatigue, headaches, loss of appetite, unfortunately no weight loss (typical). 

I had way too much of being isolated and alone on wednesday.

I came back yesterday. Was so depressed in the morning but I saw my friends. Had two joints with my bro which I mentioned before. I very rarely smoke weed. It was cool. I felt great.

Then the drama unfolded. My friend and his gf started arguing like fucking crazy. I was sat there for two hours extremely stoned and panicked by the screaming. I wanted to leave. His gf was telling me not to. Partly out of an awkward politeness, partly because she didn’t want my bro to be alone after the breakup because he’s usually unstable after they argue.

I left, went home, there was no electricity. Had to wait until today until I got more. Just slept in the dark.

I’ve been doing nofap for the past 3 weeks. Dying of liver failure (exaggeration) has made it easier because I really don’t have much libido. 

I keep having wet dreams though. It’s common when you don’t fap, you just kinda let loose in your dreams. 

They’re really inconvenient though because I have to change my underwear and shower. 

I usually wear the same underwear for 3 days until I shower. 

I wash my clothes like once every 2 weeks. 

I had to wear an old pair of underwear last night. 

A lot of people do but nobody ever really talks about it. 

Now. Friday.

A lot went down in the past week. 

 I’ve been thinking about that girl every minute of the past week. Really fucking sad because I don’t have her. 

There’s nothing going on in my life really. 

I’m not making it out like that isn’t my fault for not actively making sure I have something to occupy me. That’s just how it is.

I’m gonna find work next year so I’m occupying myself with something, getting outside. This sad, empty loneliness is too much. 

The fact that being around one girl for one night makes me think of her for the weeks ahead is just an eyeopener

I really need to get out more

I need to interact with more people 

obviously I don’t really feel for that girl and no other girl

its just the fact that I was with her that night, along with the fact my serotonin is low and looking for a pick me up after the drugs and I have no other females on my mind to turn to

i have female friends yes but not IRL, I don’t really get feelings for them

So

I’m sick of the sadness. 

I want to stop drugs. I have stopped codeine. I really have. I have no way to get more codeine other than CWE cocodomol pills which can be laborious to supply. 

I haven’t touched it in weeks, other than 3 days where I kept overdosing just to feel high, the 3 days before the 15th.

I stopped for a week before then, went through the physical withdrawal. 

I gave all the pills to my friend. They’re too expensive to just flush and I want to take them to America because people there appreciate it for more than just a painkiller.

This lifestyle.

It’s harming me in so many ways.

I want to find real sources of happiness. Not short  term fixes. 

I want to find my rat park. 

During the sadness and isolation from friends (my dads place) I just wanted to be high

I just 

I was so sad

I rarely smoke weed but I smoked it yesterday

because I wanted to remember what it was like when the sadness didn’t hurt or disconnect you.

It doesn’t hurt as much today as I’m not as under-stimulated.

I want to repair my liver. I’ve always had liver problems but I didn’t realize how seriously it was getting until recently.

The heavy drinking and daily codeine overdoses (300mg-520mg at a time) have been killing it off. I’ve been high on painkillers every day so I didn’t notice the liver pains.

I hope it’s not permanent. I’m getting symptoms of liver damage still but the liver pains have stopped.

and yeah

its hard but I’m stopping drugs

If i continue, I will come to a point when it isn’t a choice and it will be even harder 

I’m planning to save up and do a big fucking sesh in january or february then not do drugs again except for maybe the occasional xtc every few months, or acid if i ever get the chance

i was going to invite the guys i went with on friday but they’ve all fallen out (probably) because of the drama

Februaryish, imma invite the girl out on the weekend

hopefully shes still single

we’ll get high if she even says yes, idk if she will. she has reasons to and reasons not to.

I’ll just tell her, I think shes awesome and I want to see her more.

She was never mine anyway. If this scares her away, so be it. I got over her last time, I’ll do it this time and I’ll do it again. 

I have nothing to lose.

I think she just wants meaningless sex and drunken nights though. 

I thought I wanted that but I don’t.

All I care about is being happy with friends. 

Talking about random shit, often shitfaced, all night.

Whenever I get a chance with girls, I feel uncomfortable at the thought of it.

I don’t want to fuck girls. I am attracted to them but idk

i would rather just spend time with them

will I be like this forever

I know it isnt normal 

I do sometimes make out with people I don’t know. guys or girls

but if I get to know them at all it throws me off

Like, they’re not anonymous, there’s a name to the face now, they know who I am.

I feel like there’s a witness to it, even if it’s only them

and I mainly associate shame, not pleasure, with sex.

Then there’s a witness to validate the shame.

I like this girl.

I had chances to make moves. I didn’t want to. 

It’s like, if I do then it’s final. It’s a one night fling and nothing more. I also may have scared her away. I’m so ugly recently and I doubt she would’ve been into me then.

I was so happy just talking with her, fuckfaced, about everything. 

It felt like I had a new IRL friend. I just want to talk with her

I wanted to be able to see her again. 

If I did anything, even a kiss, with her that night then I’d feel ashamed whenever I thought about it. 

Then the memory of her would be tainted. 

she was high though

I doubt shes interested in me at all

but fuck it

after I’m over her, I can look at her objectively again

she’s just another regular young girl/woman

which isnt a bad thing

but it means I can look at her clearly, without all these feelings clouding my vision.

then every weekend

I’ll make plans with people, just so I can invite her out too

‘hey im gonna be in town with some friends this weekend, do u wanna come along we need more people’

sure, it’ll be weird

but the offer of free cocaine must take her fancy one night

and thats it

I’ll act like the world is ending 

we’ll have a good time

and I’ll talk about what’s been eating me up for over half a year

Sure, I might get rejected but it must be easier than just carrying on, knowing she will go her separate way when it could have been. 

I need closure. I don’t even think she’s the one or see a future with her, although that’d be great too. 

I just want to go out with her for a few weeks, maybe half a year or so. then we both lose interest in each other, she dumps me

BUT I’LL HAVE CLOSURE THEN. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN DONE. MY FEELINGS WOULD HAVE BEEN PURGED. I USED TO BE HEARTLESS; IMMUNE TO THESE FEELINGS! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?

I’m not gonna say ooo i love you, or anything

I’m not gonna ask her out

I’ll just say I really fucking like her, I think she’s great and I’d love to be able to see you often.

something like that

she can say whatever she thinks

probably that its weird i invited her out after all the drama that happened with my friends yesterday(current tense, as im typing this)

At least I will know then. 

Man, I hope she doesn’t have someone by then but I won’t be surprised if she does. 

so today

christmas is a good time isn’t it?

for me its lonely.

everything stops.

winter is already sad enough.

 everyone wants to be with family, but the only day ill be with family is christmas day itself

im glad i get to be with my friends today, that was a nice surprise,

although i might have to leave to be with josh so that he doesnt hurt himself. 

oops. mentioned his name, his anonymity has been erased. voila. 

ive been typing my thoughts her for like an hour

a lot of shit I forgot to mention

but yeah

i need to do a lot of shit which ive been putting off

shower, wash my clothes, pay for electricity, go to my friends. im currently on emergency credit and i only remembered that was a thing an hour ago. after i slept in the dark. 

I feel sad that I’ll probably not be with her, but in time that will pass.

I feel sad because winter is coming, i have nothing to occupy my time.

this will all pass in time, it hurts now, but I will feel happy again soon enough.

hang in there

[bitchistryingtowrite]

Day 1

Idk who came up with this challenge so sorry tumbl dot com.

Five problems with social media.

This is such a boring way to start a writing challenge! I’m considering to stop after day one, thanks.

Everything has problems especially if it involves social media. A beloved topic that was not discussed before by every single spiritual coach on every single social media. Social media is evil! Send tweet.

I find this challenge boring so I’d like to just list the problems but then again it is a challenge so I am challenged now.

Social media is evil. It can kill you, it is basically you asking for death. We share our opinions on recent worldwide news, fashion trends, on Netflix adding Evangelion to its anime list in 2019. As we do so we share bits of who we are, those bits don’t guarantee to be placed together in the right order to present who we really are but they still form a personality of someone with our face attached to it. And we can be found, and doxxed, and God knows what else, so what’s online can easily become offline. This is why many of us are told to be careful with sharing information online but even if we don’t share too much the image of us is still formed in someone else’s mind. Someone might romanticize this image and obsess over us, find our address, come and wait outside, steal us and then kill us! Social media is a garden of stalkers, our profiles are their soil and we are their watering can. We are just one watering can because in this case we are all in this together. We never know if Garrett who wrote a comment under the Rolling Stones’ latest music video on YouTube being “pretty good stuff” is my mate Garrett, a nice guy, also he studies film and you should follow him on Instagram, we go to the bar quite a lot, he’s my pal or a stalker. ? We never know just like in real life but it is so much easier online to become anything, to hide, and to thrive. But to be honest there’s no way he could be it…he’s a bit awkward and I have actually never spoke to him for more than a minute but he’s a good guy, he posts selfies every Thursday and Saturday just like anyone else, and he posts storytime videos on his YouTube channel every week or so. He is so open, I never really spoke to him for more than a minute but I swear I know him well enough, I know him more than I know my sister’s husband with whom I spent the last six Christmases and my sister’s birthdays. Not that he’s a blogger or something but I think he kind of is, like an influencer wanna be. I don’t know but his Instagram changed quite a lot lately. Like he’d post those selfies like I could tell you took a selfie yourself on your Samsung Galaxy android front camera mate but now his selfies are way better, after all he’s a film student so he’s basically a photographer. I guess he was motivated by no likes, like I’d like his pictures just because I kind of know him but people who never met him wouldn’t like any of his pictures, 40 likes is nothing and now he gets them 600 likes, not bad for someone with a shitty Samsung Galaxy android camera mate. I wish we could be closer friends, he’s a cool guy but every time I try to talk to him after the class he kind of attempts to run away trying to play it cool but he just stands there like a stone with his big ass bakenbards…Man never have I ever noticed how big are those in real life but they are so big, he looks just like a modern day Elvis on his Insta pics but in real life he just looks like a twat who wants to look like something he is not. But he’s more open than he used to be. Like on his latest YouTube video he tells this story of how his friend got drunk and jumped into the lake on his birthday and Garrett jumped there with him, and it was in January. You should watch it. He’s an absolute madman, maaan. Dude. Can I go now? We actually don’t know if Garrett is a stalker but he could be one. We will never know unless he does something wrong and gets noticed by someone, and then if he does mess up and someone notices it people will find out and he does not want it, he would be careful with such a thing, it would change everything and he doesn’t want to lose the results of carving out his online personality for so long so easily. Um so I just talked to my classmates, my mates, about Garrett, you know after this conversation you really made me think, you opened up my eyes. You never really get to know people, you never know who is who, like you can go somewhere and think you know the person from there and never think that they might be a serial killer. I know we talked about stalkers but it’s kind of the same, you know. Basically. So yeah we think he’s a stalker, he literally has every sign of a stalker. Yes, we just googled it. Like he’s creepy, he is one person online and the other offline. And he texts Emily all the time even though she unmatched him on Tinder. He texted her twice since then. He’s silent and unreachable, and no one knows what he does expect for being social online. But it’s a mask. A year ago we were at the gym, the teacher let us just play football instead but the girls were in as well. So I’m in one team, he’s in another, I hit the ball a bit too hard and too high so it hit this girl’s face, she was crying so her teammates came to her and Garrett didn’t even bother to, you know why? Because he’s a sociopath, he has no empathy. Now I know, now it makes sense. But one plus one becomes two when you dig a bit more into his social media and find his personal blog. Right. Exactly, he posts those True Crime fandom stuff. That’s sick man. Oh here he comes. Hi, Garrett. What? It’s not the Garrett you were looking for? Oh hell man.

I have to go to the class anyway.

And Garrett went to the class as well. We won’t get to know Garrett, he’s not even there. All we know he will finish this test, have a lunch, go to other classes. Later this evening he will come home and dive into his blog where he can surround himself with True Crime stuff. It doesn’t mean anything, he can be anyone and become anything.

  There are five problems in there. 1 - We share information and we don’t know with who, anyone has access to this information, and interpret it in any way. 2 - Criminals walk among us, we communicate with them and don’t know about it, criminals and social media can actually walk holding each other’s hand giggling. But actually it is tied to problem number 3, we do not know people we communicate with, we put puzzles of their shared information together and create someone else. 3 - There is almost no authentic us online. We just form an image of what we want to be seen as. Some of us do it on purpose and create something they are not, some of us don’t care at all and we don’t know what we created, we can seem like we could be a stalker to others but we are actually chilling in bed right now while reading the latest ridiculous news about J.K. Rowling and listening to Papa Roach. I don’t know what I’m talking about I’ve only listened to one Papa Roach song. 4 – Likes and searching for validation. We want the likes we think we deserve. 5 – problems with establishing real life relationships with people. Garrett, our guinea pig, is an example of someone who appears to be social online but is actually quite asocial irl. By creating his outgoing persona online he might worsen his irl attempts to communicate with irl people. Also, the idea that people already communicate with each other by approaching each other’s content online without actually communicating sometimes is one of the reasons for not establishing a real relationship.

But we all know that. I’m glad this challenge is over.

[brothalynchhung]

2018 overview

goddddd im so late lol i didnt forget about this blog I'm just active on my other account also I'm never uhhhh home and I'm so busy now god i feel like I'm losing myself and my youth hood from not updating here fml life got me fucked up

ANYWAYS 2018 was fucking crazy what the hell how did so much shit happen in one year

in the 2017 overview i talked about regretting and trying to make up time and ohhhh bitch.... looool

anyways lets start:

2018 immediately started with some bullshit

literally started 2018 turning up LMFAOOO

so it was a good start 

spent new years w old friends some shit ill never do again

hotel room bullshit, eating out, running around outside, late drives listening to early 2000s music

OMG the hotel jesus i remember now i started 2018 on that trash ass app

talking to weirdos

being liked by over 2000 people?

wow what fucking redemption from middle school and high school 

but like... i learned all men are fucking losers LMFAOO

had two weird ass “dates” aka not really since i dipped those things quick aFFF lmao

fuck my old dumb friends for encouraging me to do that shit lol

was funny tho so who cares

this time (january) last year i was

broke

depressed about gl, no job, hating school

i was sooo depressed like 2018 until june i was literally just depressed and borderline suicidal cuz not having a job and being broke as shit was stressing me out so much

i tried so hard to get a job anywhere but for some reason it wasn't working???

i met(?????) that bitch HB LMAFOOOOO

godddd that fucking 5 hours 3 am call

all that weird obsessing and calls we used to have LMFAO he was such a fucking hoe why did i even waste my time

AND I STILL HAVENT MET HIM IRL YET LMFAOFPJEWIOGHERUGHESU EXCEPT FOR THAT ONE TIME I SAW HIM AT CU AND EUIRHGEUISHRH INSANE

but yeah fuck him for calling me too thick but THANK YOU GOD THANK YOU SO MUCH

highly he was one the best things to happen to me in 2018?

he called me thick i got cheesed and 

I LOST 15+ POUNDS IN 2018 

honestly after years of saying ill lost weight ill lose weight I FINALLY FUCKING DID

god 2018 was honestly year of the grind

gym every single day

rip school gym LMFAOOO i lost all my weight there god bless

oh yeah i became vegetarian!! and now I'm vegan LMFAO plot twist?

JESUS REMEMBER WHEN HB SAID MY VOICE TURNED HIM ON I CRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYGERYISEGHUIEHEIOS LMFAOOOO FUCK HIM THANKS FOR INSPIRING ME TO LOSE WEIGHT AND BE SEXY SO I CAN STUNT ON ALL U UGLY ASS MEN

anyways he weirdly kept on trying to hit me up even after he called me too thick infront of the boys (to which they still defended me shout out boys) fucking loser... i shut him down lol

ntcntcjkjkntcjkntcjkjk lol

brockhaamptoonn

threw up from that night i got too drunk LMFAO what an experience never again

i turned up too much in 2018 -_____- i don't even like it wtf

was a lot of fun tho like thats what i wanted right? reclaim my time i lost in hs/early uni because those hoes we don't speak of

i really didnt do shit other than obsess over being broke depressed and missing gl in the beginning of 2018 sooo.. lets just... fast forward? god what a weird ass year

and going to the gym everyday

counting calories

i need to start doing that shit again cuz I'm actually terrified i might be 120 again after fucking dubai

my old ass friends who i basically used to make up for my regret and reclaim my youth from high school was basically all of the beginning of 2018 . yes thanks for the memories thanks for helping relive my past that i lost . thanks. ur appreciated it was fun

but fuck y'all cuz y'all never had anything in common with me and y'all r embarrassing and boring . i was the exciting and better one 

also fuck y'all for letting me down . after y'all fucked off i got successful 

when i obsessed over that ugly weird guy in my phi classes and then i saw him up close and he was UGHLYLYYK GHU AND WEIRD AF 

and he was on my tip crazy with his weird low key fetishing internally racist bullshit LMFAOOO

i think the fuck not

he's still in one of my classes now i gotta spend the whole semester avoiding him IFNWFUWifhqfuwighau

god

discovered my love for white rabbit

finally finished that lonely ass semester

went straight into summer school w/zainb

love her ass lol

wait was 2018 the year i ran into that weird at the mall who tried to kiss me withing 10 minutes of meeting me at bubble tea? LMFAOOO WHAT A FREAK GOD 

my fucking life fam istg

watching hxh ugh best time ever

got a job!!! 

GOT ANOTHER JOB!!!

TWO AT ONCE and one of them was so crazy good for my career 

to the point where I'm STILL in contact with them

seriously getting a job changed the year for me so much

got out of my bad depression starting making money

straight grind

work gym 

BOUGHT EVERYTHING I WANTED.

LITERALLY EVERYTHING

ALESIS . STUDIO SET UP . LOEWE BAG. AND MORE EVERYTHING I WANTED AND I LOST WEIGHT

like i accomplished everything????

its like the beginning of the 2018 year was me gearing up and mentally readying myself for when i fiINALLY GOT A JOB and then i accomplished everything i wanted

yo i was working 3 jobs and that catfish hip hop class 

LFMAOOOOO THAT HIP HOP COURSE OMGG LMFAOEJGUIE ICONIC

i killed that shit lmao😂

met that weird ugly kid that was talking all this bullshit about us being the same and him thinking he had a chance w me LMFAOOO okay sure there

all cuz of fucking r and her high school esque bullshit

honestly fuck her LMFAOO i don't wish her anything just fuck off after all the bullshit since middle school you put me thru 

her and her ugly ass bf i had to deal with god I'm so happy she's out of my life

used you to make up from lost time 😂 i don't need u anymore Im at peace with myself BYE 

i don't even feel sentimental when i was run or i need u like i finished the book and i closed that shit and i feel better like i got so much closure this year

sister got married suwhoooo 

weird encounter w dal? tf? girl bye you've been dead to me since 2012 LMFAOO

so much people i really don't give a fuck about

honestly in 2018 i just lost all my fucks and only focused on me 

it gonna stay like that

made so much new friends i cant even name them all 

love all my work friends club GANG

chilling w hec and crew gang gang

oh yeah that taurus bitch i got confused feelings over and wasted my time 

cut his annoying ugly weird ass off lol but whatever lost time reclaimed it was very 2011-13 esque

got rid of everything from my sunken period thank god

got rid of so much shit

the closure/transformation was real

anyways uhhh so yeah so then fall semester started just continued working and gaming 

 lowest i got was 113 but idk wat i am now :( I'm so scared i really don't want to be over 115 but I'm like always bloated so I can never check I'm so sad rn

cut off annoying friends fuck them i have new better ones and i love myself

jjkjkjkjknctncjtkcktn lol 

good music good book watched so much movies

I SAW BROCKHAMPTON JCOLE THE GORRILAZ THE INTERNET DELASOUL AND BLOOD ORANGE LIVE!!! BITCH WAT THE FUCK ALL IN ONE YEAR

toronto trip!! mil trip!!! all on my own fucking amazing

end of 2018 was so good omg 

ran into 2% jfc

drunk called 2% lMFAOOO god just said sorry for nothing lmao i just want gl I'm clinging on to anything

OH YEAH that ugly broke bitch who wasted my time and objectified me yeah fuck him 

if he didnt do that disrespectful ass shit i wouldn't have called 2% ugh god

never using that trash app ever again 

ended 2018 in dubai 

YSL LOEWE ALL ON ME???? YES BITCH 

didnt feel like a failure in dubai stunt on everyone

ended this year amazing

really looking forward to 2019

looking forward to losing weight -____________- still

looking forward to money

accomplishing goals

getting closer to gl

FINISHING FUCKING SCHOOL FINALLY 

just happiness.. 

I'm happy. 2019 I'm ready lets fucking go. gl lets go . I'm on my way

went from broke hopeless no job depressed to thriving beautiful UP TO 4 JOBS everyone can fuck off

[rezby]

reminiscions, so to speak

I’ve been thinkin about this for a while, but havent really sat down to try to formulate this. But a lot of people whom I knew as teenagers or early 20s, when I was a teenager. There are sooo many people who are now (publically) trans, or at least not-cis, that I remember from back in jr high or high school, before anybody had really figured out The Genders. It makes me really glad, to see how many people are self-actualizing. I love to see the updates in their lives that they post on fb, at least the ones who haven’t defriended me. (This enjoyment is only a little vicarious, truth be told. It is mostly genuine happiness for them).

I know its very likely that I’ll never reconnect with any of the people with whom i’ve grown distant (not through any fault of their own. it really is 90% circumstances (everybody moving across the country, to either like boston or ... seattle? portland? Big Oregon City, or for those who are still local just issues of me not having a lot of free time with which to hang out with them) and 10% my hell brain self-sabotaging relationships/avoiding everything), but I often think about them and how they’re doing.

One of the people I’ve mentioned hasn’t defriended me on FB, and I still interact with their posts every now and then - I think a lot about the time when I was 16 and said some really horrific things to them without realizing just what I was saying. I’ve been feeling terrible about it, but I know I’ll never actually send them the apology I want to send - they deserve better than to be reminded of it out of the blue.

At one point last October, I was on this other person’s FB wall, i dont even remember why. sometime in like january or Dec, I saw a comment on somebody else’s status by somebody with the same last name as this person, with similar viewpoints. I click around, and figure out that this person has defriended me, and also publically came out on fb as trans. Last week I saw a photo posted of them with their sign at the chicago trans liberation march (which obvs I didnt go to, i’m not Out and I dont intend to be, until the time of my choosing, so i dont interact publically with Trans (tm) things. i’m fb friends with both my parents), and they looked really happy. Not about the occasion, but as a person, it looked like they had let an awful amount of weight off their shoulders. I remember them being as deeply unhappy as many of us  were, back in high school (a lot of us were deeply depressed. It just turns out for a few of us that the depression was tied to the Genders so getting stuff done for the one helped the other). So, I’m glad that theyve realized their gender and are happier for it. I also wonder (a lot) if thats why they defriended me - I’m not really out on fb, and since I haven’t spoken to this person in years they probs wouldn’t even know that I’m also non cis, so maybe they defriended me when they did their official fb transition stuff. I get it, it would make sense to, but... it still wounds me, a bit.

those two were a couple years older than me and I was never that close to ‘em in high school. this third person was in my grade and a couple classes with me, and.... I was a horrible person to them. Not intentionally, I’ve always had the best of intentions, but that doesn’t mean the actions i had done weren’t horribly misogynistic or racist. A few things I didn’t even realize until years later, what I actually had been doing. They defriended me a couple years back. They’re non-cis as well, but I dont know anything more specific than that.

That was the Complicated Feelings w/r/t the non-cis folk i knew in high school. I had some online friends whove also come to realize their own genders as well, who I’ve also grown apart form. This one was largely due to MSN messenger no longer being a thing, and then me getting busy with irl stuff and basically never being online anymore. I don’t really got any Complicated Feelings for most of this group, its mostly that I miss them but realize there’s p much no feasible way to get back into regular comms with them, and I’ve accepted that.

There was one person, who knew they were trans all the way back when I first met them. But they never talked about it with me. At least 85% of our conversations were political. At the time, I was in early high school, where I was a libertarian at the time. They were staunchly communist, I figure marxist is probs the best term for their beliefs but I’ll be honest, I know jack diddly squat about the academic details of the different schools of communist thought. Anyways, we chatted a lot on MSN back when that was around. At one point I started FB friending the other online friends I’ve got, but this person never actually accepted the friend request. its still in their inbox. I last talked to them about 3 or 4 years ago, I believe in my 2nd year of college. I asked why they hadnt accepted the friend request and they said somethin to the tune of ‘im an asshole lol’. this persons typing style is completely different from that but thats the effect my memory has of that message. Our conversation at the time also turned political. Now, after getting to college and having my eyes opened at, well, a lot of stuff, i’ve since become fairly leftist. probably communist? socialist? idk. Anyways, at the time, I was pretty caught up in the politics of one tumblr user Moneycat. If you weren’t around for that, the gist of it (as i recall) was that... actually, i honestly can’t recall the minutae or which parts werent very good. there are other posts going around from some years back that go over her politics and the flaws thereof. one of their ideas was that gender is a social class, inasmuch as bourgeoisie or proletariat are, and that trans women are a distinct social class from cis women and men. I had recently read one of her posts about how gender theorizing had led her to become a communist, and how the two were inextricably linked, and tbh she was this huge popular rly smart trans lady blogger so i p much hero worshiped her and adopted as many of her politics as i could understand. So I tried explaining this gender theory of communism to my old communist pal, and they were very displeased by it. I did a poor job, to be sure, but they disagreed staunchly. I dont remember the other details of what I was arguing but I do remember it was more out there than just what i’ve typed so far. Cuz I opened the conversation with “hey did you know that i’ve also become a communist now?” or somethin like that, and they were like ‘oh nice, how did you come to this conclusion?” and I went into moneycat’s gender communism and they did not agree. And that was our last conversation. and idk how to start conversations. Even tho we’re not fb friends, i can still IM them via fb, so the option is always open, but I never do it. I miss this person a lot, and its been hurting me for years that they never accepted the friend request. we actually had been decently close online (as far as I recall. i have poor memory at best in general, and there’s a good chance I actually have brain trauma that’s making my memory even worse but that appointment is in may). and they’re fb friends with all our mutual online friends. so its just me. i’m not good enoguh.

And I know if I actually ever made a snapchat I could probably easily get back in contact with literally everybody ever, I know for a fact that all but the last person have snapchats, and I’m p sure that they’d all be receptive to at least messages over it, but.... I tried making a snapchat once, and was immedietely conflicted. Do I go with my IRL name and snap with my family and classmates and colleagues? If I do that, I dont want to have my snapchat available online here cuz I want to maintain at least a veneer of separation between my online identity and my “family” “professional” identity.  Or do I go with my online name, but then refuse to snap w/ like my mom and sis? I ended up deleting the app and never doing anything with it. so I basically refuse to have a snapchat, and p much only have fb these days, which... is not the best method of communication.

Compounding this is my awkwardness with people i’ve known for a while - my memory really does get atrocious about some things, to the point where i’ve hung out with people for years before actually knowing 100% their name. this is deeply embarassing for me, and I dont wanna hurt em, so I dont let on that I dont remember their names. especially if i’ve known them for forever, but havent had a ton of meaningful interactions with them, theres a v good chance i’ll know them, i’ll recognize them, but i wont be able to drum up their name from the depths of my mind. this is awkward. so i sometimes avoid going to places where there are people who might fit this bill. some people from high school who I kinda knew and hung out in the same friend group as me, and a lot of my not immediate (step)relatives. so at the photos for the trans march, where I saw the photo of the one person from 2nd bullet point, I also saw a lot of other people from high school who I’d be awkward around. altho this reminds me, there was a 4th person actually, from high school as well. i think... they blocked me? i dot remember. i know they werent on fb a lot, but they were fb friends with me. i just went through my own friend list as well as that of 2 people who i thought would be mutuals with them but... i dont see them. I’m p sure i recall seeing like,,,, last year or 1.5 years ago that they had changed their fb name from their birth name to a feminine name, as well as changed their gender and all that other stuff that comes with coming Out? but I dont recall and I cant find em anymore. if they have blocked me.... oh well. nothin i can do about it. about any of it really. nothing that i’m going to do anyways.