#anyways I’m getting diagnosed with at least 3 disorders which is really weird for me

[saiwestfield]

Guys like a month ago I dissociated for the first time in so many years and man

What an experience

Wow the fact that the human mind can just do that that’s kinda crazy

So cool (I was trembling)

[coccyodynia]

things:

four years and a few days ago, i entered treatment for dual diagnosis care to treat my mental health and drug use

for about 4 straight years before that, i’m not sure i was sober for more than an hour at a time

i was really heavily using benzos and always mixing them with an extreme amount of alcohol

frequently confused as to who i was then, how people perceived me, and how i’m still alive

i’m extremely grateful i went to treatment, because if i hadn’t had some kind of intervention, i dont think i would have survived another year like that

i still really really struggle with relapses

and in the last two years i’m not sure i’ve managed to have a clean streak longer than 3 months

but i am trying

my drug abuse ended up being the last straw for some important people in my life, who would eventually leave my life bc of it

anyway moving on to other topics

i finally saw justin this week, for the first time in three months

it’s been a pretty weird 3 month period of not really knowing where we stood bc i couldn’t keep my feelings to myself, and he needed a break from that i guess

i understand it will never again be like it was when we first started talking

and tbh that really kills me, but i’m very grateful he’s a part of my life still, in some way

the connection was immediately really strong from the start and i really credit him with helping me a lot

he was probably the first person to verbalize “i’m here for you”, and actually follow through with that sentiment

meeting him almost exactly one year after reid left my life is probably worth mentioning here but whatever

ive finally been able to start seeing my therapist again, and i meet with her monday

right now she can only schedule me every other week, which is a really hard adjustment for me to make tbh

since october of 2019 i probably have had therapy at least once a week

im really struggling with staying sane bc my job has become an incredibly stressful place for me, which didn’t used to be the case

like work has always had some level of stress, sure, but this last month or so, i have been getting physically sick from the stress, crying at my desk every day, etc

but on the other hand, i’m also having these really meaningful yet overwhelming moments of gratitude for being where i’m at

like yeah nothing is perfect or even close, but i have created a life for myself that works most of the time

im finally experiencing a level of safety and security that i have honest to god never felt before, and i did not even know that it could improve this much

growing up i didnt have any sense of safety or security at all, which i didn’t realize until very recently

in the last year or so working with nicole (my therapist), i have finally learned that the things i was subjected to as a child were not normal, and that it was traumatic

about 6 months or so ago (possibly less), i learned i have complex post traumatic stress disorder

i had pretty much known for over a decade that i was borderline, before i was officially diagnosed

but i didn’t even have an inkling of an idea that i could be experiencing CPTSD, so when my therapist gently told me i was, my world view realllyyyyy started to shatter and shift

it has been very very difficult to come to terms with tbh

anyways i really miss writing and photographing and making art so i hope to return to that soon

i’m at work rn and i should probably start doing my job before the bosses get here so ta-ta for now thanks for reading this insane post

[teeforhee]

Fuck, I'm not sure I'll ever get over how much CAMHS (child and adolescent mental health service, it's the under-18s mental health service in Scotland) let me down as a kid.

It's like this. You're 11 and you're traumatised but you're scared of using that word, you don't know if you're allowed it, but you are traumatised. And you're so anxious you can't breathe most of the time, you can't sit down and speak to any of your friends, you can do your school work but you keep falling apart and everything feels like it's getting worse all the time. You don't fit in, you're weird and awkward but your schoolwork is good so you aren't worrying about your grades, you're not even sure why you feel this way (it's unprocessed trauma, but again, you don't feel like you're allowed that word). You're s/hing and struggling with suicidal ideation, and you're lucky enough to still trust authority figures, so you do what everyone says you should. You trust an adult. And she calls your GP, who is another adult you choose to trust, who you bare your heart to with all of these symptoms that make your feel sick to even acknowledge, and then they make you an appointment with CAMHS. You came in asking for treatment. They referred you to CAMHS. They did not explain what CAMHS was other than what the letters stood for. That's okay - it's treatment, right? They're gonna help. You can talk this through and they'll help- just gotta be careful you don't get institutionalised. You don't want that, yet.

You talk to a CAMHS worker. She's a psychologist. She says it's very likely you have autism to your mother after your first session. Your mother broaches the topic gently. You are overjoyed: there's an answer! oh fuck, this explains so much! but it's not treatment. It's a word. The psychologist puts you on a waiting list and you have 22 sessions of CBT with her, trying to unpack your trauma and trying to build up coping skills. So many of them feel like just denying the truth, so many of them feed into your magical thinking ("the one thing you can control is your thoughts, you must always control your thoughts, good things will happen when you control your thoughts and stop thinking the bad thoughts"), but it's treatment, mostly. You stop seeing her twice- once because you are trying to develop an eating disorder and having a mental health professional who wants to hear how you're doing is totally cramping your style (I wasn't actually trying to develop an ED really, I was trying to cope in ways other than s/h, in ways that felt honest to the situation and real and gave me a sense of control that "controling my thoughts" just wasn't doing). You come back for recovery. You tell her you want an eating plan. By the time she even considers an appointment with a nutritionist, you've moved past that stage in your recovery on your own. You stop seeing her again because you get into an abusive relationship who doesn't really like you having contact with people who aren't him, and he super super doesn't like you not being able to talk to him for a whole hour every week. That part isn't their fault: no one could be gotten me out of that until I decided to; believe me, everyone around me tried, and it didn't work until I wanted I to, the third time.

But I left, again, I was without support for 6 months, and when I came back it was after my father (the earliest source of my trauma) had died. They take 4 sessions compiling evidence as to what treatment i needed going forward, without telling me that was what they were doing (I was trying to build trust with an adult again after 6 months of constant reinforcing that I couldn't trust anyone but my abuser), and then an appointment with a psychiatrist and your mother and a new psychologist. They dismiss and justify the symptoms that most worry me, they have at this point turned down my request to be institutionalised multiple times (including after an aborted suicide attempt, I presume they thought that was fine because made it clear that I did want to live), and they say at the end of the meeting that they are going to give me an official diagnosis of autism and that after that CAMHS has nothing more to offer me.

They say that if after 22 sessions with a psychologist I am still struggling so much (bear in mind that probably close to half of those sessions I was concealing factors that were actively making my mental health worse and which were traumatising me) I clearly can't gain anything more from their service, and anyway, autism isn't a mental illness and CAMHS as a service can only help while waiting for/trying to get a diagnosis, or if you have a diagnosis or a disorder for which they could provide specialist treatment. My very obvious PTSD? nah, no big-T Traumas, and c-ptsd is way too hard to diagnose. I receive a hilarious letter detailing all of the evidence (I mean genuinely insightful but also fucking hilarious and I do want to note down funniest bits and post them hear at some point, stuff like "unusual speech was noted, (exclamations of 'wacky!' while describing his symptoms)") and then they refer me to a charity which, at time of writing, I have had 1 assessment phone call with, and am waiting for a call back for my next and first proper appointment.

They did not inform me when I was first referred that CAMHS is a diagnostic and specialist treatment service and if they did (this was well over two years ago now, I don't remember word-for-word what my GP told me), they did not tell me that meant that they would kick me out to a charity once they figured they couldn't label me with anything requiring specialist treatment. During our last sessions they were unyeildingly focussed on the trauma of my father dying and of the "shock" of my diagnosis (that I had been waiting for for 2 years. yes, very shocking/s) when those were not my biggest problems. My relationship with my father is complex and I won't get into it here, but suffice it to say that his death was the last step on a very, very long journey, and honestly one of the least traumatising.

I let them keep the focus there because I desperately hate talking about the actual, recent, debilitating trauma of being in lockdown with an abusive partner for 6 months. That shit hurts, I can't even say his name, but that is the thing that I need to unpack if I'm ever going to be able to go outside in the sun again.

Repeatedly ignoring the requests I made for specific treatment until past the point where I needed it anymore, not informing me how the service I was going to be working with for 2 years even worked in something so basic as "what is this for? what will happen to me if I get a diagnosis they can't give me specialised care for?", telling an 11 year old child that suicidal ideation is "not that serious", a fundamental misunderstanding of what I needed and wanted to hear ('normal' is not a helpful word. 'normal' tells me 'suck it up, everyone experiences this and they're all fine, you're normal, just think better' why are they all so adamant that I am normal? Not even considering my mental health I am an autistic bisexual gnc trans guy, we went past whatever 'normal' means a long time ago, fucking listen to me), at every single step of the way this system has left me in the same state I was before, the only improvement being through support from my friends, fucking Childline (gd fucking bless Childline volunteers, but still, I shouldn't have been getting so little support that that felt like my only option), mental health masterposts on Tumblr, chats with my (luckily) very nice guidance counselor (they're called pastoral teachers here but I know most folks reading this are American or are most familiar with the American school system) and what amounts to gritting my teeth and getting through it.

It was worth it, of course my life was worth it, of course I say the same thing every person who's attempted suicide says, I'm more grateful than words could possibly express that I survived, that I get to go home in a few minutes and feed my kitten and write and message my friends, but for fucks sake it didn't need to be this hard. And it doesn't need to be this hard. I'm not out of the woods yet, I'm still waiting on that second appointment with this charity, I'm still 3+ months behind at school, and I'm one of the lucky ones. My boyfriend has been hurt worse by CAMHS, left even more isolated than I was, even more traumatised by the way he was treated, and every single person I know who's been in this system agrees that it's deeply, deeply flawed.

I don't want people to have competitions over who's medical experiences are worse, who's country has the worst mental health system, who's been the most traumatised by their psychiatrists or lack thereof, please. Please don't make this the suffering Olympics. I'm just making this post cause I know, I know that other people have had similar experiences, whether with CAMHS or whatever their equivalent is. Mental health services need serious reform that puts patients first, listens to their needs and requests, that is well funded and well staffed by people who care about their patients wellbeing more than they care about controling other people's lives.

Austerity in the UK is a huge reason why this happened the way it did- my first psychologist left the service to go work somewhere that pays better, leaving just one newly-graduated psychologist that clearly had no idea what she was doing and didn't care to sympathise or show compassion for me.

This shit needs to change, because kids need help, and this is not good enough.

[joylessnightsky]

As a dyslexic person…

You know, often times people hurt us without intending to. Us just meaning humans in general. We’re a stupid species, and we make mistakes. That’s okay. And everyone’s feelings are different, I know. Still, sometimes I have to really wonder how people don’t realize how what they are saying is hurtful.

And this post is half a vent and half a cautionary thing. If you ever talk to a dyslexic person, please be mindful of these things. Whether or not they’ll actually be hurt by some of these is not for me to tell you but for them, but you should still be mindful of it. Conversation and stuff, works with people of all kinds, you know?

If you have dyslexia yourself, please feel free to add on with your own experiences. And please read the post yourself, too. Because, as I already said, sometimes we hurt each other without wanting to, because different things hurt different people.

Now, let’s get to it:

1) A lot of the time people will say something like “That’s great for someone with dyslexia!” And I know they mean to compliment me. I know they mean to say that it is an accomplishment. And it probably is. But by saying that, you’re actually devaluating my accomplishment. It’s basically the same problem as if someone said “You’re so nice for a man.” or “That’s such an impressive career for a woman.” There’s a serious difference between giving a compliment and giving a compliment in relation to something about you.

I worked for the reading speed I have. I worked for the capability to write with so little misspellings that I could pass as just another student. I worked for being able to read a text I haven’t read before. I worked for being able to read out loud to the class without making an utter fool out of me. I worked, for years, about an hour a day, in therapy and at home, until my head hurt form the effort, despite the frustration, despite the insults, despite questioning if anything would ever actually help. So the last thing I need is for you to tell me that my efforts and my work make me “good for a dyslexic person”. Tell me I did good. I’d love to hear that. Tell me my work can be seen. But don’t remind me that my efforts will only ever be seen in the context of my diagnosis. At one point, I managed to become one of the top students in my literary class when it came to spelling in exams. And I still only got praised with that phrase. It’s honestly gotten to the point where the compliment makes me feel bad about myself. It’s not a compliment anymore! Just… Don’t. Don’t.

2) One time I was talking with my teacher about how the others would call me pretentious and say I only relied on my diagnosis and the “advantages” I supposedly got (they meant the stuff that was supposed to make my disadvantages less bad, I think). And she said that I shouldn’t take it to heart, that they didn’t know what they talked about and “whoever says someone like you shouldn’t be here is stupid.” A little context, we have a system with different forms of schools, the one I choose to attend is the form with basically all advanced classes.

Now, in on itself, this was a really great thing to say. The reason it’s still stuck with me years later in a negative sense is because no one had, in fact, questioned my position at said school. I had never even heard anyone say that dyslexic people being at this form of school was weird or anything. Never. The first time the idea that I had to prove myself capable of belonging there had been placed in my head at that very moment. She didn’t meant to do that, I know she didn’t. And that makes it all the worse, because she was trying to make things better and she was so kind about it. I can’t even be angry at her for planting that thought in my head! And the way she so casually said that, as if it was a known fact that people would think I didn’t belong there, as if it was only natural for people to say something like that to me - even if she said they’d be stupid and wrong to do so - really hurt. A lot.

So all I’m asking is, please check what was said to someone. Don’t assume what they might have heard others say about them. If you’re wrong, knowing that people could possibly think that on top of everything else can feel… icky.

3) I’ve meet a lot of ignorant people in my life. We all have, haven’t we? And one of those people was my teacher for one horrible year. I pity everyone who ever has to live through her classes at this point. Why do people who can’t respect others have a mind of their own become educators again?

Anyways, I’ve posted about this before, but she was sure that she knew better than me what dyslexia meant, as well as that dyslexia had to be the same as reading and writing disorder and I had my facts wrong. Surprising no one she never really cared much that I couldn’t do the things my classmates could do. And one day she had the nerve to tell me that “class is over and you should have been able to write that down in time if you’d actually worked. So, if you really need these notes, just ask someone for them. I’m sure even you can manage that, right?” and take the notes down from the board. She didn’t have to do that, and she had put those notes there in the last minute. I’d told her they were too small for me to read and that I couldn’t tell the letters apart like that. She hadn’t cared. Yeah… That was one of the few times a teacher made me cry in the bathroom.

So, even though I can’t believe I have to say that, don’t assume you know what someone can or can’t do, and listen to them when they talk about their experience. If they say they can’t do something, they can’t. And no matter how much you think to know about a disability, when someone lives with it, they know what it’s like in a way that you could never know.

4) I’ve also had a math teacher, and he was great! One of those teachers that just make sense and that actually really care about their students and them understanding things rather than learning them like vocab cards. He was the only math teacher who I’ve ever felt comfortable with enough to confess that measurements can be tricky on some days. Does it say “cm”, “dm”, “km” or even just “m” there? Is it “L”, “cL” or “dL”? “g” or “kg”? He was really nice about it and we made a deal: In every class test I got the measurement would not change within one task. Helped a lot. And yet…

Students talk. They noticed. Because what my teacher had done, you see is adjust just my class test. I didn’t need to switch between measurements, the others did. and I see why that wasn’t considered fair. It really isn’t, because that doesn’t have much to do with reading or writing. Yet the issue at the bottom was still there. What I’m saying is that if you change a task so that a dyslexic person can work with it, don’t change it just for them. Especially not if the task itself changes then. Dear teachers, if you’re reading this, do it for everyone or not at all. Yes it helps if you do that, but no it isn’t fair if it’s just for one person. And I honestly still feel like I cheated after hearing what my classmates said.

5) Sometimes people will tell me that it’s impressive that I work against the dyslexia, you know, did the therapy and everything (even though many people just can’t afford it and would do it if they could). In that context a little sentence often fell that I just hate from the bottom of my heart: “If only everyone would do as much. It’s great that you don’t just rely on your diagnosis to take care of everything.”

First of all, I was lucky. I was lucky my health insurance covered not only one but two therapies. It didn’t for my brothers, my parents had to pay for that themselves. And that is not cheap! Not everyone can afford to do therapy. Not everyone has the chance to do therapy. That the therapy worked as well as it did was, again, luck. That my dyslexia was on the lighter side to begin with was also luck. That I knew I was at risk and got tested early on, so that I was diagnosed at an age where a real difference could be made through developmental psychology was also luck. Don’t ever make the mistake to think that one person who got lucky can be used as the bar.

Secondly, everyone’s dyslexia is different. You can’t compare mine to other people’s struggles. Again, my form of dyslexia isn’t that bad. Both my brothers have it worse. Sure, it might not be the easiest to deal with and it’s not the bare minimum for the diagnosis, but others have it worse than I do. And they have different symptoms. I can’t even deal with most of mine, they are just easy to conceal until I have a better day. We’re not all the same, so don’t compare us in a way that makes it look like we are.

Third, a lot was my own research. No one told me that there is a fond that was developed for dyslexic people to read easier (”OpenDyslexic”, if you are interested. It’s free to download). No one told me about all the side effects, no one told me “hey, this might actually be because of your dyslexia, too”. No one told me having subtitles on in a language I already spoke would help remembering the spelling of words. No one told me how to articulate things. I didn’t get an awful lot of help along the way, you know? Keep in mind, I come from an environment in which I got more help than on average. And you saying that is basically pushing the responsibility onto us. You made a world in which we have little to no access to help, and you’re shaming us for not finding any.

Last but everything but least, you make it sound like the treatment and the way we handle this is what makes the dyslexia valid. If you’re really thinking so, you’re wrong. Like, really wrong. I chose to work my ass off to teach my brain how to keep up. I managed to find information on it. I was lucky to get the possibility to do so, because of the way you are handling this. None of that makes my diagnosis valid. It doesn’t, because it already is. My struggles, my feelings about it, my experiences, my symptoms are what makes this valid. The diagnosis, dyslexia? That just gave it a name. 

6) “That might be hard for you to do. Are you sure you can handle this?” I’m glad that you are concerned on my behalf. But as someone who also has a lot of anxiety and has lived with this shit in my mind for my entire life, I can guarantee you that I do, in fact know my limits. I have lost many opportunities in my life because I wasn’t sure I could handle it, or because I couldn’t tell beforehand if I would have a “good day” or a “bad day”.

I’m aware of the risk. I decided to take the risk, or am in the process of decided whether or not to take that risk. You aren’t helping. If you are concerned, offer to help me should I struggle. If you can’t help me, offer support. If you can neither help nor support me, I don’t know you well enough for you to be meddling with my choices so you should just leave me alone.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you so much for taking your time to read this. I hope this’ll help. And if you do make a dyslexic person uncomfortable or hurt them with something you say or do, please remember that that will happen, no matter what someone’s dealing with. Even my brothers will hurt me sometimes and I will hurt them sometimes, even though we are all dyslexic and have known each other for literally all our lives, because we all experience this differently. And that’s okay. You can’t always know what will hurt someone and it’s not you job to read their mind and figure it out on your own either. Important is that you recognize you’ve made a mistake and that you make a conscious effort to avoid said mistake in the future. And remember: Sometimes it’s not what you’re trying to say but rather how you’re saying it that hurts. Formulations can make a huge difference.

[rhyolight]

(Part 2) Anyway, I think I have a basic understanding of DID. I’ll probably look into it more though. I actually thought you and a friend were running the blog. Although at times I did wonder. Well, out of genuine curiosity, what is it like and how does it work? (I would phrase that better if I could come up with how to phrase it better) -ゆう

Don’t worry, your question is just fine! Throughout this, you’ll probably get explanations from me and the other who usually helps out. Also this is a little long but not too long I think.

 I actually didn’t know that I had it for a long time, and apparently this isn’t uncommon! There were definite signs though,  and I’ll list a few of the big ones. This one I’d say should have been a pretty big clue, and it’s that all the time people would claim to have had conversations I didn’t remember, or I’d have “friends” who I’d never met. I don’t remember which, but somewhere I have a year of my life missing. I know this because Someone asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I responded that my birthday had been a week ago, I remembered that week in perfect clarity, and nothing else from the time that had passed. Honestly, the other who manages everything did a good job of hiding it. I’ve known about him since forever, but I didn’t realize what he was until a few weeks ago. I’d thought  I knew all of them, but it turns out that there’s actually around 6 of us (myself included) as of a few days ago. Sometimes it can help, some of them provide really good advice, others not so much. Generally there’s 3 of us who like to be out, there’s another who comes out on occasion but she’s pretty little and shy so she mostly stays inside. It can be a bit weird, since it’s like having a bunch of people living in your head, and since they all have their own distinct personalities, they don’t always get along. One of them likes to sit up by the front and constantly give his opinions and annoy the hell out of the one who manages us. While the idea that at any point I could black out is scary, I’ve learned to trust them for the most part. I’m very grateful to them though, I do remember some of my trauma, and it’s given me a lot of issues including at least 5 anxiety disorders, a panic disorder, and ptsd, all of which have been diagnosed by a psychologist. There are a lot of missing parts though, and I don’t know what happened then, but the others won’t tell me. Sometimes if I get overwhelmed they can help me, and what we often do is they manage most things but I stay conscious. A good comparison I’ve heard is like driving a car. So you could say I’m driving, and I can’t deal with it anymore, so I get out of the driver’s seat and someone else drives. I can see what’s going on, I can talk to the driver, the driver can talk to me, and although I’m not in control. Normally in these situations I could take control if I wanted to, but if they see fit they can shut me out. I would be considered the host, or the original, if you will. I’ve talked for long enough though, and I’ll let the others say their piece.

      Alright, this will mostly be a bit of a mixed style, as Rhyo doesn’t fully trust me alone with her blog. I suppose a friend is what I am in a way, though sometimes I feel more like a parent. I’m the one you’ll see the most of besides Rhyo, and, despite what a certain bothersome alter says, I am more mature. Something that makes a pretty big difference for me can be the height. Rhyo, as I’m sure you are aware, is short, and she tends to slouch forwards as well. I’m not sure why she does this as her posture used to be quiet good. Regardless, when I’m out, the voice will change slightly, and I’ve been told on occasion that I have a slight accent. If I take full control it can take me a second to adjust, since in the headspace I am much taller. As for how it works, this is based off of our understanding and what Rhyo has gathered through research, we came from trauma. We  know this, and while I know much of what has happened, I do not wish to speak of it as I do not wish for Rhyo to find out.

He’s not really sure how to word it, and I did most of the research, so I’ll explain as best I can. He’s getting a bit frustrated, no fault of yours though, he doesn’t like when I pry, so I’ll do most of the talking for us. Basically, the way I think of it, when you’re exposed to repeated trauma at a young age this can happen. The way I think of it is like the mind fragmenting, but this should be taken with a grain of salt since it’s probably not the best explanation. On some level, they’re me, but they’ve become their own people. I know he complained a little about my height, and we can all have different heights, genders, sexualities, ect. My age is easiest to understand because it’s normal, I age every year. A few of us have fixed ages, so they stay the same, and some have a range that they slide around on, while others have a rough estimate of how old they are. I might make picrews for all of us so you can see the differences. this is definitely a long post, and it’s not very organized, so I hope it made sense! 

[someonefromseoul]

Fuck Me.

Hello. I don’t know who or what I’m directing this to but I’ll just pretend there’s someone actually reading this. Temptation is a strong fundamental desire that doesn’t always have our best interest. Like that time you look in the mirror wishing you haven't had that donut for lunch, or that other time when you turn and toss, only to find yourself not being able to sleep at 4am from the nap you had earlier that day.

I feel like shit right now. I had oily ass bacon for breakfast, cup noodles for brunch, pepperoni pizza for lunch, ice cream cone for dessert, almond soy bean milk as my “work drink”, only to transition my day into a nap.

I feel bloated as fuck and my pimples are having the time of their lives, meeting new friends and such. 

So this only leads me to my usual routine of self hatred and disgust for a solid hour, drotting down what the rest of my day will look like just to fool myself to thinking I’m productive, and get on Tumblr to waste more time complaining about my day!

Okay, but here’s the deal. I really do want to get better again. I stopped working out ever since my gym closed down from that fucking coronavirus (yes, I am that spoiled and self centered only to be complaining about my gym closing during this time of crisis) which has been a couple of months now. 

I had diet fillers on my chin area to get rid of my chin fat right before the quarantine. That was a fucking waste of money since my double chin is back.

Anyway, my point is that I want to be somewhat sane again. My mind is literally going crazy over being stuck at home and I clearly don’t love my body enough judging by how I’ve been treating it. 

I put a face mask earlier today. That’s a change. I’m going to work out starting NOW. In like a few hours. And I’m going to document the progress and process because I want to see the change and actually hold myself accountable if I don’t go through with this. 

So this is the plan.

1. I am 51.8kg (114.2 pounds) right now. My goal weight is 48kg (105 pounds). Okay, so basically my goal is to lose around 10 pounds.

2. I just started an art instagram. Try to post three times a week. I want to have 10 followers by the end of May. And NOT by asking my limited amount of friends to follow. I want to connect with real strangers who are really there for my art.

3. My fucked up skin. Let’s try to clear that out as soon as possible as well. I know I have oily skin and a huge part of that comes down to what I consume. Let’s fucking please stay away from oily and salty food. Drinks permitted is only water, tea, and sometimes alcohol. 

4. Speaking of alcohol, try to stay away from that. Which I’m doing a good job of these days because I’m “social distancing” (no friends). I’m going out tomorrow though but let’s really try to keep it like max 3 drinking nights per month. MAX. preferably once to none.

5. You can never single out alcohol when you’re a smoker. Hi, hello, I’m a smoker. I’ll write a post going more in depth about my smoking journey. Long story short, I’ve been smoking since August of 2013. So like 7 years already. I genuinely don’t know why I started it. Actually that’s a lie, I got into it because I thought it looked cool and I wanted to fit in. Sad, sad weakling I was. Anyway, I’m going to QUIT. I literally say this like merry Christmas to the point my friends just roll their eyes at me whenever I say this. Like, let’s really try to make this a reality instead of this having to be that time I cried wolf again. LIKE PLEASE. For yourself, man. You know you’re getting old and it’s not like you have any more health to spare.

6. Work on my art project. You know which one I mean. I want to keep it on the down low. To roughly plan, I want to work on my portfolio around June July and August. but by June, let’s focus on instagram, enhancing my drawing skills from proko, and this personal art project I’m not going to specifically go into because it’s confidential. Let’s call it Arty. So yeah, finish Arty.

7. My relationships. Mind you, I’ve never seen a therapist because I’m not financially independent and it’s a taboo subject to bring up in Asian culture. At least with my family. So no, I haven’t been professionally diagnosed, but who needs a doctor when we have google, right? So to preface, this is not a legitimate claim I’m making. But I strongly think and believe that I have anxiety; especially social anxiety and an avoidant personality disorder. I definitely deal with SOMETHING-I do plan on going to a therapist the moment I get the chance to, which is hopefully, soon. Anyway, getting back on topic. I want to work on my relationships with my friends and family because I’ve literally been in my shell for the past couple of months. Avoiding people at all costs. Not healthy at all.

8. My mental health. Probably the most important one. If this was a meat house and I could grade my health, I would give it a B+. Definitely not a S, not exactly an A either-but on the fence between A and B. Not quite A- but more of a B+. I don't have any serious health issues but I’m not great either. I feel slightly uncomfortable when breathing, my mind is foggy, and I think I might have hemorrhoids soon. Literally keeps me up at night because it frightens me-I constantly flex my butthole just in case things might peep out (sorry for the TMI but this is my fucking blog so deal) (me still pretending like someone’s actually still reading this shit post) I lose sleep over it, don’t even get me started. Anyway, if my body health is a B+, my mental health is probably around a B-. I don’t think it’s around the C level, but it’s definitely below average (average being a B). It’s at the verge of either becoming average or enter into the C level. A or S is obviously out of reach with my potential right now. But I want to get to an A; possibly to a S some day. Some day. A girl can dream. Anyway, how I want to go about this is to keep writing on this blog. Because I have a fake ass personality, I literally hide my real self to everybody. Kinda psycho like that. At least this little spot can be my safe space where I can get all my genuine shit out. To be serious for 2 seconds, I think I’m fake to people these days because I don’t feel comfortable being completely myself. My self esteem really plummeted after I graduated high school. I’ve been shushing myself internally too-shaming myself about how stupid and weird I sound. I’ve been trying to press down all my negative judgements and thoughts because I didn't want to spread that kind of energy to other people which made me be fake positive all the time. That can be really fucking suffocating, guys. Those of you who know what I mean say I. 

Anyway, I want to find my color again. I think I’ve been shushing and shaming myself for so long, I don't even know who I am anymore. Hopefully writing like this helps. And apparently physically working out does as well. Let’s try to aim everyday, maybe a lazy day per week.

Side note-Kakaotalk keeps spamming me about the sakura flowers and how beautiful it is, suggesting me to go see it. Um, hello. Can you stop harassing me with these insensitive messages? Some people don’t have friends to go with. And it’s quarantine season? Are you dumb?

9. My looks. which goes under self care as well. I’m not gonna lie, I think I’m a fairly okay looking girl. I’m going to change my makeup style because after not putting on makeup for so long and looking back at my old photos, I’ve seen my bare face for so long, I grew fresh pair of eyes to see how I REALLY looked prior to this quarantine. And I finally got what people meant by “your makeup looks obnoxious.” Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE makeup. I’ve loved makeup ever since I was a sophomore in high school. I follow many of the beauty gurus (how they used to call it back in the days. I think people call them beauty influencers or makeup artists now) from youtube and Sephora was my second home. My broke ass owns like majority of the urban decay naked palettes in exchange for eating kimchi and eggs for weeks with my poor college student self in exchange. Poor college student with a BEAT makeup look though.

Anyway, the point I want to get across is that I respect and love ANY form of self expression. There is no such thing as too much or too less (is that even a word) makeup as long as YOU feel good in it. I personally did and I enjoyed my extra caked face. But not anymore. Maybe on some occasions, but I just don’t feel like that’s me anymore. So I need a new make up look, and I literally want new clothes. I hate my freaking outfits. Going to invest in some soon.

I can’t really think of anything else. I want to go in further with some of the topics I’ve tackled today but I think that’s enough journal writing for today. If I think of anything else, I can always update later. I just fucking pray I don't get hemorrhoids. I don’t have it now but I’m just so paranoid because I literally sit down 25/8 and apparently sitting for an extended period of time continuously can cause hemorrhoids. And for some reason I keep feeling like I’m going to get it soon. Like my butthole low-key feels a little weird at times. Hopefully I’m okay.

[gaiaphage]

I’ve been in a weird mood lately. Although I guess it kinda fluctuates. Monday-Thursday I’m energized, feeling good about myself, but when it come to the weekend, it all goes down hill.

Maybe it’s because I’m not keeping busy those day? I have work I should be doing but I’d rather just lay around all day.

Then I beat myself up about it.

Resulting in the continuation of my uphill battle with my compulsive disorder (self diagnosed but no doubt I have it), which I’ve had for what, going on at least 3 years now.

Thought it did make an appearance when I was little, whch that whole situation makes sense now.

Speaking of, compulsive behaviours are often linked to other mental health issues, often anxiety, so hey, it’s a strong possibility that I have that too.

Do I want to get help?

Yea.

Do I get anxious about the idea of reaching out and being vulnerable towards someone that is really only there to help me?

Yes.

So will I be doing anything about it besides trying to snap myself out of it which hasn’t worked that well over the past couple years anyways?

Nope, definitely not.

Plus my sister does know about it, but I don’t think the the extent at which it is now, because it’s literally the weirdest compulsion ever, and I didn’t know it was a think until I googled it.

Most people say not google symptoms, but in this case it was rather helpful.

Well this turned into something I was not expecting.

[intermission-report]

MENTAL HEALTH CHECK

lol i’ve been watching too many tik toks. you can totally ignore this, its just me venting...

so,,, where do i even begin? this is just gonna be a stream of consciousness kind of thing. it’s almost 2 am and i’m sad and tired so it may not even make sense. 

i feel like i’m in therapy again. i quit going like a year and a half ago bc my therapist sucked. i had been to two therapists in about two years and they just didn’t work for me so i stopped going. i also stopped taking my meds, which was not a wise choice bc thats what helped me stay somewhat sane. now i’m just raw dogging life

anyway... i was diagnosed with GAD + chronic depression + migraine disorder at 16 then OCD at 17 and social anxiety at 18 

my junior year of hs i completely fell off my metaphorical wagon. i was going to school once or twice a week and when i showed up i’d text my mom to pick me up early. i hated being there, i hated being anywhere. 

everyone was tired of my shit. my mom told me to stop faking blah blah blah so my grades went to shit... my junior year, i stopped caring about everything. i was in the top 10 of my class with a 3.4 gpa. by the end of the year, i was struggling to pass all of my classes and i pretty much had to repeat all of the core classes my senior year. 

idk what my friends thought of me not going to school. i suck at expressing/communicating my feelings so i didn’t really tell them what was going on and they never reached out. i told two of my friends about it and eventually they stopped talking to me. not sure why, exactly. regardless, once i graduated i knew i wouldn’t talk to any of them; i knew they weren’t permanent people in my life. i graduated almost 3 years ago and i haven’t spoken to those people since.

the downside is that they were the only people i spoke to outside of my family. that sounds sad, i know. but basically since i suck at socializing, i have no friends and i’m really lonely and it sucks. 

but i’ve made peace with it (sort of). idk what they’re up to bc a few months after graduating i deactivated/abandoned my social media accs. i had this tumblr since i was 14 or 15 and knew nobody from hs would find it (i just didn’t want anyone to know from me since i didn’t wanna know from them, its weird) so i started using it again. 

that kinda brings us to where i’m at now... i’m in community college (doing fairly well and looking to transfer to a uni soon), still v lonely and sad. basically, i’ve kinda been bottling up all my feelings but deep down i’m extremely unhappy. like obviously i’m aware of how i feel, but everyone around me thinks i’m fine and that i miraculously got better and pulled myself out of a bad spot when that’s not the case. 

i’m so aware of my mental health/illnesses, but i can’t control any of it. its v frustrating to say the least (but not really bc have you seen how long this post is? also i’m trying to cope w humor even though i’m not that funny)

so yeah... i was listening to/watching the basement yard podcast and when they posted the episode with mika is when i discovered hockey and hockeyblr. hockey was what was helping me keep it under control since it was a distraction. it made me really happy. 

lately, i’ve felt myself distancing myself from it. i really like it, but sometimes its too much and i feel like i kinda hate it. i don’t want it to be a phase but idk what’s making me not interested in it anymore. to be fair, i’m not really interested in anything atm. 

it all sounds so sad and depressing. i’m sick of it. i wanna be happy again and idk how to be. i’ve been thinking of focusing on myself for so long but i haven’t taken the initiative to do so. i just find ways to distract myself from everything. i wanna take a break from all of it and actually focus on me and getting better. 

that’s pretty much it... i kinda feel better. not sure if anyone is gonna read this or get this far. if you did, thanks. hope you’re doing a lot better than i am.

[onigarbage]

did

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder. In response to trauma, my core personality separated and eventually I came along. I’m not what people would call the core, I just happen to be the current host. I have 10 alters currently, alters are the different personalities. There are Persephone and Jasper, a married couple. Up until last month, Persephone went by Percy. There are Marc and Lily, brother and sister. There are Jake and Nero, a couple, both dormant, however. There’s Alistair, a fictive from my own writings. There’s also James a member of the vulture culture community who loves bees. Then there’s Mars who’s also dormant, and finally, there’s Salem. 

“It’ll take some time, but somewhere down the line, we won’t be alone.”

I watched my fingers type as if it were a film, words popped up on the screen. “I feel like we're dying out here sometimes, it’s like no matter where we go we're dying.” Persephone was right. We were dying up here. Here I was, trapped in my own body once more. Watching someone else take control. I was fine with it, I had become used to it. 

“The ocean washed over your grave.”

When I was little, I was very tall. I was 4’7” by the time I was 5. I was also ahead of my time. Adults loved me, my peers, not so much. Up until 3rd grade, I was very talkative, even through the abuse I had suffered. I was fine. I won’t divulge that trauma, at least. But the Summer of ‘08 changed me. It must’ve been the year the stock market crashed because my family moved from a nice home in Romeo to a trailer. A trailer that had a leaky roof, a trailer that had smoke leaking from a socket one night, a trailer that doesn’t have electricity in parts of it. It was home. It was also the year my mother attempted suicide. 

“I want a cutscene, I want a cut from your face to my face, I want a cut, I want the next related video.”

After that, I began to have “imaginary friends.” The only thing was weird about them was that they could sometimes “possess” me. That’s not exactly how it works but honestly, that’s how my child-brain worked. This is called dissociative identity disorder, formerly called multiple personality disorder. I had only 4 alters then, now I have 10. I also coped by lying, I tried to make myself more interesting than I was. I grew out of it by the time I hit high school, I had lost and regained friends. My closest being Peter. I loved my friends dearly more than anything, but soon things turned sour. 

“I didn’t like you anyways. You always spoke so quiet.”

It was by 10th grade when I started hearing voices again. It was by 10th grade when Peter and I began dating. It was by 10th grade when everything began crumbling. In 10th grade I had started going to therapy, I wanted to figure out what these voices were but I was too embarrassed to tell anyone. So instead I developed a relationship with my therapist and focused on my ADHD. I started taking a plethora of drugs, against my fears of becoming like my parents. They made me very tired, every day after school I began sleeping. During the week I would see myself fighting with Peter. It was all an out of body experience. I found out his name was Marc, he left notes for me. While on a date with Peter I discovered Lily, Peter thought I had age regressed. It was in the shower when I discovered V, he changed me that day. V was a bad person at the time. He’d terrorize Lily, who was only 9. He’d terrorize me in disgusting ways that I dare not tell anyone about. But when he changed we welcomed him. V no longer took the form of a demon but a man with long white hair and big blue beautiful eyes and an even bigger nose. He changed his name to Klaus. My friends soon found out about my alters. Thanks to a then stranger, now good friend Jaden. Jaden found out first, he knew from my Vent profile. Then Peter and Jason found out, but I was most scared to tell my friend Stevie. I felt I had betrayed her in the past and didn’t want to do it again. 

“I was up late last night!!” Klaus said talking to Stevie as we walked to our math class. 

“Yeah I know,” she replied then paused, realizing her mistake. Klaus smiled to himself, so she knew? He thought.

"I saw you again last night you were hiding in a poor man's body. But I saw your soul slip out of his fingers”

Things turned sour fast. I remember being in my history class when everything started. Stevie had posted on Vent that I was abusive. Panic had flooded my chest, my cheeks burned, and tears welled up in my eyes. To think that I was abusive. She then later posted that she would pretend to be uncomfortable if Peter and I had any public displays of affection. I went to the bathroom and sobbed that hour. Then the rest of the day, I don’t remember. Lily had fronted to save me from having to deal with it all. Peter and Stevie began spending more time, I turned nasty from all the stress. From walking on eggshells out of fear of being called abusive to dealing with constant voices who occasionally “possessed” me. I even had to deal with homework and abuse at home. I was stressed back then, and I took it out on him. I accused him of sleeping with Stevie even. By the time we reached 11th grade Stevie started avoiding me, Jason grew apart and Peter broke up with me. By 12th grade I had finally turned things around with Jaden, we stopped being strangers and became friends. We bonded over memes about our deteriorating mental health and the passion we had for the stories we worked on. This was the year I met Ms. Bourlinghaus, who became a mother to me. At the start of the year, seeing Peter gave me panic attacks and made me want to rip my flesh off. 

“Don’t worry! You and me won’t be alone no more.”

I fell in love, twice that year. I don’t remember who I dated first. DID does that to your memory, in fact, I don’t remember anything really before 9th or 10th grade except for my mother’s suicide attempt. But I digress. I fell in love twice that year. I fell in love with a boy named Elliot and a girl named Eve. Both were amazing even though both lasted what I estimate to be a week. Mars even made a pizza with green peppers that were made into a heart for Elliot. We went to see End Game together. Eve and I only talked about kissing, planning to do it where nobody saw us. We joked about kissing by the Chuck E Cheese car ride. We were weird teenagers, well, normal teenagers actually.

Elliot broke up with me because of my age, we’re only a year apart, however, it made him uncomfortable. That’s okay. We still talk to this day. Eve realized that she was a lesbian part way through our relationship, or at least that’s my theory. We also still talk to this day. I consider both of them to be two of my closest friends. 

“You never stopped smoking, but I forgive you. My words and my heart were not enough to give you”

I was 17 when I started vaping. My friends Luke and Zack were doing it so why not me too? I started at 50 nic, which is about 3 and a half cigarettes. Or at least I think, I don’t know anything about cigarettes. Or vaping for that matter. When I turned 18 I became more firm in who I was. I came out to my parents as transgender, my mom had always shrugged it off as me pretending to be someone I’m not, my stepdad has always accepted me but didn’t see why I cared about the surgeries. 

"I wish I was sober, I can’t get off the ground."

A revelation, I am killing myself. With all the weed and smoking. We aren’t dying up here of loneliness but of ourselves. Night after night I’ve induced manic episodes from getting too high. Each night I think of myself as a god. Mostly I’m a fire god, able to feel fire without burning myself. These manic episodes started a few weeks after I was diagnosed with bipolar. My life goes up and down it seems. Caffeine doesn’t help, sugar doesn’t help. Nothing I ate really helped with the mood swings. I feel broken. I want my story to end with hope, not despair. 

“Apologies to future mes and yous.”

I sometimes wonder if I can be better than I am now. If I’m destined to smoke forever. If I’ll always have manic episodes on the weekends. If my life is a constant back and forth between depressed and manic with no balance between both of them. It’s been raining all week, but just now as I type this there’s the sun shining through my window. Everything exists in cycles after the rain comes the sun. Maybe this is just my rain, maybe this storm will last for a few more days or even a few more years. I know now that someday the storm will end and I will see the sun. Then again, I’ve always loved getting caught in a storm. 

“This is a version of me and you that can exist outside of everything else, and if it is just a fantasy, then anything can happen from here.”

A final note: 

All quotes separating text are lyrics from Car Seat Headrest. I’ll include a playlist of songs that I’ve sampled these quotes from. Thank you for reading. http://bit.ly/2WAlYMW 

[m00nbab3y]

This is a PSA for ANYONE suffering from Bulimia, purging (no matter if it’s just for attention or is completely real because in the end eating disorder or you doing it for attention the effects won’t change and that’s what this post is about, the real effects from bulimic/eating disorder behaviors) (you do NOT need to be diagnosed with a eating disorder to be doing the dangerous behaviors which I wanna be very clear on. I do not support self diagnosing or faking a mental illness this is souly for anyone who’s doing the behaviors to know what it a majority of the time leads to) they might have a eating disorder/Bulimia

(Please no judgement I just really feel like I need to share this) (trigger warning)

The first two pictures are of my teeth (I used a effect on my camera so it would be more detailed but it also makes my teeth look way more yellow than they actually are and because I can’t fit my whole phone in my mouth you really can’t see the whole extent of it on the back of my teeth) (3rd pic is just how gum recession looks compared to a normal tooth)

I have had Bulimia for around 2.5 years with on and off purging. A couple months ago I noticed my bottom incisors (front teeth) were looking weird but I wasn’t that worried or anything I just tried taking better care of my teeth but each month since it’s seemed to get worse and worse and I now am starting to have noticeable gum recession. The thing that prompted me to post this was earlier tonight I had my mouth closed and I could feel the recession on the back of my teeth with my tongue and can now feel a way lower part of my two bottom front teeth that I would never have been able to feel if I had no gum recession. The circled part in the second photo looks like it’s just tarter (mostly from the angle) but it’s actually a way lower part of my teeth. I always have known these could be potentioal affects from things like health class, research, etc. but I had a ignorance that I feel like a lot of people have towards these things (which is ok we all been in least one of those type of situations) “oh it won’t ever happen to me” So I want everyone who sees this to know Bulimia is not just a game to get skinny and that the effects like this along w plenty others are real and will more likely happen then they won’t. I’m only 16 years old I’ll be 17 in February and I’m scared I’m gonna be losing my front teeth partially because of my ignorance and I don’t think that’s ok and I don’t know if I can fix it. I’ve become so self conscious to just open my mouth, smile or even laugh. I’ve been called out on it a couple time because I was laughing or smiling w a friend. I don’t want anyone else to feel that way I know this isn’t going to cure ppls eating disorders or anything but if I can at least help a little explaining my situation I’m good with that. I would also like to add I know this is in no way the most serious thing Bulimia does to people but it’s still really scary for me.

Again please no judgment this was just my “story” and it does make me emotional. It was really hard to write all this so if anyone who sees this knows anything abt what I can do abt this please message me.

I hope no ones sees this as my trying to get attention or clout because I’m not. I just don’t want people suffering from Bulimia (or any ofthrt eating disorder this is just from my experience) to be ignorant and know this can and more likely will happen. If anyone needs to talk my inbox is always open but I do not in anyway support eating disorders so please don’t take this post as that.

If you or anyone you know is experiencing symptoms of a eating disorder please please please get help for yourself or them before it’s to late. Eating disorders are deadly and the effects are horrible so please if you or anyone who youu think could have one please reach out to them but along with saying that be respective of their privacy and don’t just completely ambush them cuz in some ways it can and has been trigging (to me) so be gentle with the topic.

Finally if you’re a person faking a eating disorder I beg you please stop before it becomes a reality and there’s irreversible damage on your body. But the glamorization put on eating dirsorders recently in the media is twisted if you need attention become a drama Channel or sum don’t invalidate the people really struggling with them.

(If You’re having any of these effects and need to talk or have questions I am researching treatments so if you have questions abt what I found on professional treatments I can try and tell u what Iknow, I’m in no way claiming to be a doctor or dentist what I find out is from research. But I did find apparently there are things I can at least try to do to help I’ll try some home remedies and if anyone wants it I can try them and post them on here.)

Thank u so much for reading all this if u did, stay safe everyone you’re all gorgeous human beings even if you don’t see it now <3

-👼🏼lena

Edit: I will edit this post when I have updates.

1. I made a dentist appointment for next week

[heysawbones]

Congratulations, Me; You’re Slow

Surprise, me! You’re literally slow. As in, your processing speed - the rate at which your brain takes in stimuli and makes sense of it - is below average. Quantitatively. The average is 100. Yours is 94. 

Three years ago, I was given a cognitive battery. I’ve had an unusually high number of these in my life. Most people will never have even one. I’ve had four; one to assess for the Gifted and Talented program in kindergarten, one to reassess for the same when I changed school districts, one to assess for ADHD, and yet another, the latest, to assess for the same, as the prior records were lost. ADHD runs in my family, but I seem to have been one of those kids who compensated really, really well. Was I organized? Not even a little. Lose things? Constantly. I procrastinated like a motherfucker, too, but it was usually easy to make up the work in class before it was due. I would drive hard to complete the GT project-based assignments at the last minute, and always did fine. Better than fine, even. Sure, I used to obsessively braid yarn or draw in class, but nobody had any reason to suspect I would have issues with things like maintaining attention or executive function later on. If they did, I never heard about it. Even today, it’s not obvious; people associate a certain flightiness with ADHD and that isn’t me. People associate a lot of things with ADHD that aren’t me. This has been so much of an issue, in fact, that despite meeting diagnostic criteria over and over, as admitted by clinicians, people have been hesitant to give me the diagnosis. The argument deployed tends to be: you have all the symptoms, but you also have chronic depression, which has the same symptoms, so we’ll just go with that one. The underlying rationale, the unspoken answer to “why can’t it be both? they often co-occur” seems to be: you are too articulate and self-aware to have ADHD. It boils down to you’re too smart to be slow. 

This is unfair to me, and demonstrably untrue, besides. I recognized this long ago. I am the one who has to figure out some way to compensate for the symptoms. Yes, the symptoms of depression and ADHD overlap (especially if you are depressed for a long time), but the treatment of those symptoms is not the same. I have been in treatment for depression for over ten years. Am I better than I was? Unquestionably so. 

Do I function at a level sustainable for an adult not on disability? Can I get places on time? Can I catch a plane without showing up 14 hours early, lest I show up 14 hours late, or at the wrong airport entirely, instead? Do I remember things people told me yesterday? Can I go to Target without the possibility of getting caught up in a weird cognitive trap where I want bananas, but am too guilty to buy them unless I do the rest of my grocery shopping, which I don’t have the mental energy for? Do I remember enough of my meds when I go on trips? Can I stop persistently putting things in places that make no sense, and then having no idea that I’ve done it 15 seconds later? Can I manage an adult’s schedule? Can I remember to pay bills on time? Can I remember what I’ve spent money on in the last week? Can I remember what I ate this morning? Can I hold down a job that is, honestly, below my abilities in many ways?

The answer is, of course, sometimes yes. Distressingly frequently, it is no. Where travel is concerned, it is always no, and somehow, I have managed to show up at the wrong airport entirely more than once. 

Yes, I recognize that these are problems all people have, to some degree, at some time in their lives. If people are willing to act on the belief that I am too smart to be slow, why is it that when I account for my concerns and attempt to articulate the impact they have on my life, I am suddenly not self-aware anymore, and am only overreacting to what obviously MUST be the same degree of these problems that other reasonable adults experience? Why am I credible in other areas, but not this one? If I am so smart, why is it assumed that I’ve failed to account for my own emotional bias when gauging the difficulty I am experiencing? Why is it more satisfying to assume that I am not trying hard enough, then it is to accept that a smart, self-aware person may, in fact, have some kind of Brain Problem that, really, there is no logical contraindication to, and much evidence, for? When I do the responsible thing and insistently pursue all reasonable options to address my mental and neurological health, with the goal of being a functional contributor to society, why is this so persistently reduced to a fetish specifically for an ADHD diagnosis? I’m smart when it’s convenient for others, but not when it comes to the ability to draw cause and effect relationships from my own behavior, and make comparisons between those and the behavior of others? If I got treatment that worked, I wouldn’t care what the diagnosis was. Come the fuck on. I’m tired of this.

-----

Anyway. I sat down with the results of that three-year-old cognitive battery. I’ve read the summary before; it’s peppered with lines like

“There is also considerable other evidence in this testing consistent with a diagnosis of ADHD”

“In my experience, some individuals who are very bright are able to compensate for some of their disability”

“this distribution of index scores is very typical of individuals with ADHD”

“Many of the behaviors she describes are certainly typical of individuals who suffer from ADHD. Unfortunately, the coexisting history of chronic major depression and PTSD make that differential diagnosis based on history alone difficult” 

When I first read that last year, I was shocked because the therapist who requested the cognitive battery, only expressed surprise that I was “very smart” and said that my “scores were fine.” When I later confronted him after having read the summary myself, he merely admitted that some of my scores were “lower than others”. He never entertained the possibility that I had ADHD, which in an of itself, wouldn’t have been a problem if he’d been willing to just try the treatments for it, since clearly the two industrial-strength doses of antidepressants I was already on, were not cutting it. Alas, he was not, and it wasn’t until after he retired that the issue was addressed again.

Surprisingly, I was not the person who addressed it. When my therapist-MD retired, I needed at least a primary care provider to manage my medications. Since the appointment was for psych med management, I had to fill out a bunch of related intake forms - you likely know the kind. While looking them over, my new doctor peered up at me and asked, “Has anybody ever suggested that you might have ADHD?” I was taken aback by the question and wasn’t sure where to start. Them? Asking me? if I have ADHD? She asked me? 

I told her that I’d had two full cognitive batteries done, and that both of them concluded roughly the same thing: yes, all the symptoms are there, no, we do not know if it’s ADHD because there’s too much background noise from other psych issues. Without skipping a beat, she said the most amazing thing to me: 

Well, whatever it is, you have the symptoms, so let’s treat them.

God. Why didn’t someone say that years ago? Diagnoses are human constructs; we use them to group symptoms that tend to occur together, when they’re thought to have the same causes. Depression and ADHD have many (but not all) of the same symptoms, but the overlap doesn’t qualify as a diagnosis because the causes are assumed to be different. I think we often forget that diagnoses are containers for commonalities that we use to make talking about medicine easier, not necessarily biological phenomena unto themselves. If you remember that they are containers - a sort of conceptual shorthand - then it follows that if one treatment for a set of symptoms isn’t solving the problem, you ought to try a different treatment often used for the same symptoms, even if the minutiae of diagnosis means you aren’t sure you can apply the diagnosis typically associated with that second treatment*.

I am now on Vyvanse. Does it magically solve my problems? No. Does it help? Yes. I am in a much better position to actually address the bad habits and coping mechanisms someone like me builds up over the years. The notable insomnia should wear off over time, and besides, as a person with an existing sleep disorder, having fucked up sleep isn’t new. It’s a price I’m willing to pay.

-----

Anyway. So I sat down with the results of that three-year-old cognitive battery, because I had to dig them up for my new therapist. Instead of reading the summary, I dug into the raw numbers: the related tests are the Weschler Adult Intelligence Scale IV (WAIS-IV), and the Weschler Memory Scale III (WMS-III). I couldn’t find sufficient guidance on interpreting the WMS-III, so I’ll stick with the WAIS-IV scores:

At first inspection, these scores do look “fine”. Anything within 10 points of 100 in either direction qualifies as “average”, even if 100 is “the average”. But on further reading, both in the summary and out: 

-Examination of these results reveals considerable significant variability between various functional capacities, with VCI of 141 a full 3 standard deviations above PSI of 94.** Problems with both working memory and processing speed impacted her overall IQ considerably, bringing her Full Scale IQ down to 120 (from 133). 

-A significant difference among subtest scores can suggest a problem in the particular skill being tested; this might underlie a learning disability. A significant difference among standard Index Scores might also indicate a learning disability, ADHD

-when I see a difference in IQ scores such that the verbal and nonverbal scores are far superior to the processing speed score, I try to discern what could be causing the discrepancy.

-LD diagnoses are also reliant on score discrepancies. On the WAIS, a gifted individual with ADHD may look like this.

Verbal comprehension - 132

Perceptual Reasoning - 129

Processing Speed - 97

Working memory - 101

Absolute scores aren’t the only diagnostic tool. Relative scores are also important. For example, average scores across the board wouldn’t be indicative of a working memory or processing speed issue, whereas great discrepancies between those parameters and others, is - even if the working memory and processing speed scores themselves are the same in both examples. What I’m saying is, it’s right there. It’s in the numbers. There’s no wiggle room. My old therapist saw these numbers, and not only did he choose not to act on the information, he pointedly refused to do so. If he hadn’t retired, I’d look into suing for malpractice. It’s in the god damn numbers, my dude. I don’t care what you want to call it, the deficit is right. there.

What did I ever do to him? Did he just... not believe ADHD is real? More to the point, did he think I somehow, without knowing the ins and outs of the WAIS-IV, faked the deficits or something? Really, guy, what the hell?

-----

Do I feel bad about being slow? Honestly, no. I might have if I found this out 10 years ago, or in circumstances wherein that reality didn’t perfectly explain aspects of my experience that other people have been prone to downplay, or dismiss entirely. Instead, it’s the closest I can get to scientific verification that I’m not just losing my shit over nothing over here; that something has, in fact, gone awry, and may always have been awry. I couldn’t compensate forever (though the ways I’ve done it are many, and in retrospect, interesting) and now I’m on the other end of it, trying to rebuild. I am, as I like to say, building an exoskeleton - something that will hold me up when my brain insists on faceplanting. I’m just grateful there’s someone out there who isn’t too caught up in the semantic navel-gazing of diagnosis, to help.

*There are obvious exceptions here, such as when the two diagnoses have causes whose treatment is contraindicated in the other diagnosis. This is not the case with depression and ADHD.

** You see that Percentile Rank of 34? That means I performed better than 34 percent of people my age, at least according to the test sample. That’s. Not great.

[jaydier-blog1]

A Guide to Writing PTSD & Psychosis

Something I’ve noticed over my (too many) years on Tumblr is that sometimes, first-hand accounts of mental illness can be hard to come by. It’s totally understandable, and it took me a long time to get to this point, but it can put writers in a bit of a bind who aren’t satisfied with only the DSM-5 and Wikipedia to accurately portray their muse(s)’s MI. That being said, hi, my name is Holo, and I’ve been living with PTSD and comorbid psychosis for almost a decade at this point, and I’d like to share some of my experiences.

This is by no means a complete or exhaustive guide. The thing about brains is that apparently they’re complicated, and that means that everyone develops MI differently. While there are broad strokes that are generally consistent across diagnoses (and said broad strokes are typically what make up the ‘criteria’ of any MI), not everyone will have every single symptom, and not everyone will display the symptoms they do have the same way. I really do recommend using these sorts of guides as guides to writing MI, rather than actual rules.

I’mma start with some basic definitions. PTSD is post-traumatic stress disorder, which is a disorder that develops after witnessing or experiencing a traumatic event. Not everyone who goes through trauma will develop PTSD, and I believe the actual statistic is somewhere between 20-30% (double-check my factcheck before you quote me on that, please). Comorbid mental illnesses (or comorbidities) are MIs that occur with or alongside the ‘primary’ illness, usually because of said ‘primary’ MI. For example, my psychosis is comorbid with my PTSD; it is because of my PTSD that I have psychosis.

Psychosis itself is more of a broad term than a specific diagnosis, and it will generally assume one (or more) of three forms: 1) delusions, 2) hallucinations, and 3) disordered thoughts. I personally struggle mostly with delusions and hallucinations, and I don’t particularly experience disordered thoughts, so that’s what I’ll mostly focus on.

Before I move on, though, I want to share something that an old psychologist of mine told me and that I’ve never really forgotten: it’s possible, and even common, to experience and exhibit occasional symptoms of MI without ever actually having that particular mental illness. A random delusion or general panic attack does not mean your character has psychosis or PTSD. Again, brains are complicated, and what defines a MI diagnosis is the consistent, pervasive presence of multiple symptoms that interfere with the patient’s day-to-day life. You can have obsessive-compulsive tendencies without having OCD. You can be anxious without having anxiety. You can be depressed without having depression.

Another thing is that a lot of MI have symptoms that overlap (which is why comorbid MIs are, again, pretty common). My PTSD comorbidities include depression, anxiety, claustrophobia, and psychosis. In fact, when I first started displaying my PTSD symptoms, I was diagnosed with depression because that was the comorbidity that showed up most prominently at the time, and it took several more years before my doctors and I realized that my depression was a symptom and not the full illness.

Alright! Let’s see if I can break down things into more manageable chunks to talk about.

PTSD

PTSD symptoms are wide, varied, and incredibly subjective from person to person. In my experience, this variance starts with what exactly was the trauma that the PTSD is originating from. Someone who was in a war, for example, will have different triggers and experience different symptoms than someone who was abused (and even then, someone who was verbally abused will once again have a vastly different PTSD experience than someone who was physically abused). Figuring out what your character’s trauma was that caused them to develop PTSD is your vital starting point.

In my experience, PTSD tends to develop slowly. One of the things doctors look for when diagnosing PTSD is that patients are still suffering after six months have passed from the initial trauma. After my initial trauma, I thought I was fine. I was asymptomatic, until months later when symptoms started to creep up on me (and as I mentioned earlier, at first it appeared primarily as depression, and I didn’t even connect it to my trauma at the time).

I experience hypervigilence with my PTSD. I am always aware of where I am, looking for possible exits and escape routes. I get nervous and anxious if I feel trapped in a room or area. (I tried going to a corn maze once. It was a bad time.) I also have an exaggerated startle response. If someone sneaks up on me, accidentally or otherwise, I’m going to react much more dramatically than other people. It’ll frighten me a lot more than it would someone whose startle response isn’t so pronounced. At worst, I’ve had experiences where someone sneaking up on me and startling me as a joke sent me into a full panicked meltdown. (I’d been having a rough time before that, but it was the straw that broke the camel’s back, so to speak.)

To which I’ll segue rather smoothly into things building up! I find it really difficult to ‘destress’ and relax if I have a lot of small triggers and uncomfortable situations pile up on me within a short period of time or without respite, to the point where something rather minor can set off an entire chain reaction and end up with what looks like an extreme overreaction.

Panic attacks can look different from person to person, or even day to day. Sometimes, panic attacks show up for me as in inability to focus, irritation and snapping angrily at every little thing while my hands shake to the point where it’s difficult for me to hold things. Other times, it’ll look like a screaming, crying mess, huddled up in a ball in a corner on the floor. How people express panic attacks varies greatly, and no one way is an ‘incorrect’ portrayal of your character’s panic attacks.

Flashback episodes are an easy, prominent way to showcase PTSD in media, and so it’s something that a lot of people are familiar with, but in a very narrow way. While it’s possible for someone experiencing a flashback to completely lose touch with their current reality and experience an exact repeat of their traumatic incident, that’s rarely the case. More often than not, my flashback episodes feel more like an overlay, where both reality and my flashback are happening at the same time. Innocuous things will suddenly seem much more ominous and dangerous, I’ll mistake the people around me for those who were present during my traumatic incident, and I tend to experience hallucinations (which I will go into more detail about later on). Someone in a flashback episode could even experience age regression, usually back to the age they were during the initial trauma. Flashback episodes and how someone experiences them are extremely personal, and I strongly suggest doing more research on the topic to find more varied accounts, and piece together how your character would respond to these events, if they even experience flashback episodes at all.

I’d like to take this next moment here to mention triggers. Triggers are highly subjective, depending on the person and their trauma, and they can often be obscure and strange. A particular scent or a familiar name could easily be enough to make someone extremely uncomfortable. Sometimes, triggers are only marginally connected to the initial trauma, or not seemingly connected at all. Conversely, something that might seem like an obvious trigger might not be a trigger at all! Brains are fucking weird like that. Also, a very common experience with PTSD (or any MI with triggers) is that day-to-day life is disrupted in favour of specifically avoiding known triggers. Crowded places will trigger my aforementioned claustrophobia, and so I will often avoid social outings, to the detriment of my friendships and familial relationships. (Which is a good example of triggers having nothing to do with trauma, actually. I was alone when my initial trauma happened. Why the hell am I afraid of crowds. @brain explain this) And not only this, but some days a trigger might not affect me at all! Triggers are so, so subjective. They’re a minefield of possibilities and dangers that can shift on what sometimes feels like a daily basis. It can be a real headache to deal with. Taking the time to get into the mind of your character and deciding what triggers them and what doesn’t it another important part of defining how you write their struggle with PTSD.

Psychosis

Since it’s what I have the least experience with, I’ll talk about disordering thinking first. Disordered thinking is pretty much exactly what it says on the tin, and people experiencing disordered thoughts can appear distressed, confused, and have issues articulating their emotions, even to the point of not being able to form full sentences or fully acknowledge questions being asked of them. I strongly suggest doing more research on this topic outside of this post if you think it might apply to your character.

Delusions are, again, fairly self explanatory. Delusions are probably my most prominent version of psychosis that I struggle with on a daily basis. Personally, the most frustrating part of delusions is that I’m well aware that they aren’t real, but I can’t shut them off anyway. In general, my most common delusions is that Person X is out to get me/is trying to sabotage me. Logically, I know that this is ridiculous, but I still have the anxiety and panic that that situation would induce. While I’m sure there are psychotic people out there who cannot distinguish their delusions from reality, and that is absolutely a valid way to portray it, I have personally never met someone like that. It seems to be a lot more common that delusional psychotics are aware that their delusions are not real, and yet we are still forced to change our patterns of behaviour to accommodate for that delusion as if it were real regardless.

Hallucinations are broad and come in way too many forms. Media likes to portray hallucinations as full-bodied apparitions that are indistinguishable from real life, and while that can be correct, I find that I rarely experience those. Most of my hallucinations are tactile hallucinations. These are hallucinations where I feel as though I’m being touched by someone or something, usually in a negative way (these hallucinations can even trigger or be triggered by a flashback episode). There are also auditory hallucinations, visual hallucinations, and even olfactory and gustatory hallucinations, although I’ve never had experiences with the latter two. Often, I find I can fairly quickly differentiate hallucinations from reality, just by doing a quick check around me. If someone is not touching me, the feeling of a hand on my arm is a hallucination. Visual hallucinations (of other people) tend to not interact with the rest of the world the same way a real person would. Auditory hallucinations do not have an obvious source, and those around me won’t react to the noise. And, of course, the usual disclaimer of everyone who experiences hallucinations experience them differently applies here too, this is just my personal experience with hallucinations.

In conclusion

PTSD and psychosis are both broad MIs with a lot of complexity that vary from person to person. I fully encourage you to continue your research into these MIs and discover what is right for your character(s). I’d like to reiterate that this post is non-exhaustive and has focused on my personal experiences with my day-to-day life as someone who has these MIs. This post is absolutely available for you to reblog if you’d like, and my ask box is right here if you have any questions or discussions you’d like to direct to someone willing to be a first-person source on these topics.

I hope I’ve helped! Now go forth and write! :D

[conversationswithmybipolarchild]

#3 SCHOOL & BP

Felicity: Today’s topic: school and bipolar disorder. I think this is appropriate because you are thirteen and you go to school. I have not been in school since 2002. Which, was seventeen years ago. Geez. I’m old.

F: So, you know more about this than I do. Obviously. I mean, I do remember being in school and having depression, but I have no idea what it’s like to be in school and have bipolar disorder. I can’t imagine.

Anja: There’s a whole other pole.

F Yeah, that’s got to be wild. So, I think you’ll lead this topic and I’ll be here for commentary.

A: I have...

[slams notebook on surface]

A: NOTES.

F: Hang on a second. You look so pretty right now. I need to take a picture of you.

A: Okay.

[Takes picture]

F: Okay, thank you. You may resume.

A: I have notes. And I spent about fifteen minutes preparing these notes and I think they’re very good.

A: So, when you’re bipolar and you’re in school, the most important thing is to be on meds. Because without meds, you are lacking focus. You’re disorganized. You’re easily frustrated. Which, doesn’t go well around people. You’re also easily overloaded, which also doesn’t go well around people.

A: Now, being disorganized, I’ve always said school is not a game of smarts. Although, that definitely helps. A person that might not know as much, can succeed more, if they’re organized. It’s a game of organization.

F: I’ve always heard school is more about the ability to memorize, rather than learn.

A: That too. It’s more about passing than succeeding.

F: Absolutely. You don’t have to learn, you just have to pass. That’s really sad.

A: A disorganized person is more likely to fail. I know this because I was disorganized. I was without meds, and I pretty much failed.

F: You passed only by the skin of your teeth and my persistance.

A: Yes. Now, I say you’re lacking motivation. A big misconception is that people who are manic, is that they’re motivated in every area. Like, they get everything done.

A: However, mania also comes with executive dysfunction.

F: I LOVE that term. I had never heard of executive function or dysfunction until about two weeks ago, when I read about it on Twitter. Someone used Post-It Notes as an analogy, and I thought it was genius. If I can find that tweet again, I’ll post the link to it in the comments.

A: I think it’s very fitting.

A: Mania does motivate you, but for the wrong things. Like, it motivates you to clean your entire house at 2am, or order 400 of those little arcade aliens. It doesn’t motivate you for hygiene or homework or basic daily things you need to do. It motivates you for whatever weird impulses you get in your head.

F: It’s an impulse thing. It’s what motivated Alden to, all of a sudden, rip open a microbead pillow and scatter teeny little static beads all over the house, but he can’t shower. I notice that about you. You’re so motivated to make your Tumblr posts and be there for your friends, but child, sometimes, your hygiene can lack. I mean, I have that issue with my depression but the motivation thing is so strange. When you were younger, you loved reading. You were all about your books. Absolute obsession, but I couldn’t get you to be passionate about anything else.

F: I’ve always said, because of the whole executive function thing, that bipolar children need some kind of cognitive therapy to teach them how to remember to brush their hair, brush their teeth, take showers. Without Mommy and Daddy holding their hand. As a teenager, you should be showering on your own. I just feel like, if we could get bipolar adolescents some kind of cognitive therapy, they’d at least be on a path to better daily habits.

A: The most important thing I want to bring up in this post, is that if it comes between your grades and your mental health, take care of yourself first. Do you agree?

F: I do to a point. I believe you should be able to balance both. If you take care of your mental health, your grades will follow, which, is what your point is, I think. Now, I used to disagree. When you were undiagnosed, I said on numerous occasions, “Nothing is more important than your education. Your feelings won’t get you a job. Your friends won’t get you a job. Your video games won’t get you a job.” I still stand by my statement, “There’s nothing more important than your eduation,”.I feel like it’s on parents to help you balance all of it. It’s my job to teach you how to balance your education, your mental health, and your physical health, because when you become an adult, you’re going to have to balance it on your own. So, it’s my job to prepare you. You’re going to have to balance a career, mental health, physical health, relationships, hobbies. As a parent, it’s not so much my job to push education and teach you that there is nothing else but eduation, as it is my job to teach you how to have balance.

A: I feel like the whole, “your feelings won’t get you a job” thing is pretty harsh. I mean, it’s true, but it’s harsh. Mental health is a lot more than feelings. It’s the way you are. It’s your state. And if you’re miserable all the time, because you’re so busy with school, maybe it’s just better to take an F every once in a while. You know?

F: Yes and no. I understand what you’re getting at. Old habits and feelings die hard sometimes. Eduation is incredibly important to me. But, it’s part of the reason, this last school year, I let you slack off a bit. To be able to take care of your mental health. However, I didn’t do a very good job teaching you how to have balance. All the areas of your life suffered this last school year, because te balance wasn’t there. I’m not doing a very good job balancing your life.

F: I think, as parents, we need to step up and do a better job teaching our kids how to balance the different areas of their lives. They’re all intertwined. You can’t have one without the other. You should be able to manage school, mental health, physical health, and relationships. You should be able to manage school at your best. And yes, as your parent, because I technically made you, I know what your best is. I know what you’re capable of. And also be able to balance decent mental health, which is, to me, having open conversations, communicating with one another, taking your medication, taking breaks.

A: Speaking of communicating with one another, literally the worst thing you can do, is cut yourself off and not talk about stuff.

F: Absolutely. I will attest to that! I will, because when you were diagnosed, I didn’t tell anybody. I didn’t want anyone to know my child was flawed. It felt like a stain or a blemish on my parenting. Especially when it’s all being blamed on me anyway. I held it in and my year-long depression was so deep, I didn’t see a way out. Then, I confessed. Someone on Twitter called it “Coming out of your mental health closet”, which is what I did. I said, “Hey, my kid has a major mental illness. It’s a huge struggle. I know it’s real because I took her to four different professionals and got the same answer each time. She’s on medication. This is very hard for me. I need support.” And as soon as I started being open about it, my depression lifted. I was pulling myself out of that pit. So, for me, communication is everything. Communication is the most important thing that a human being can do. Period. Communication benefits mental and physical health.

A: Yes.

A: I’m going to have to say something. It’s going to be one of those things you’re going to scold me for because I should have brought it up earlier. I hate it when you assume you know everything about me, because you made me. Like, you kind of do, but at the same time, you’re not me.

F: I agree, but I’m not saying I know everything about you. I’m saying I know what your best is. I know what you’re capable of. And that may not be because I made you, it may be because I know you. I know what you’re capable of. I’ve always known what you can accomplish.

A: But what I’m capable of changes of over the time.

F: Yeah! I know that what you’re capable of now, is different from when you were in fourth grade. I don’t have the same expectations of you now that I had then, As you evolve, I evolve as well. We do that together. I know that a lot of people think that parents and children are separate entities, but we evolve and grow together. I think, maybe, especially since I was a fairly young mother. When you were born, I had no life experiences, and we sort of grew up together.

A: I feel like because you have mental illness and you were a young mother, we can relate to each other a lot more than other neurodivergent children and their parents.

F: Also, because I value communication as much as I do, and I think I’ve passed that on to you. I need to communicate. I have to. It’s not a want. I absolutely have to. Not only for my mental health, but physical as well. I end up with ulcers and headaches when I don’t communicate. I’m miserable. I have to talk.

F: We’ve gotten way off topic.

A: Yeah. But it’s a conversation. That’s what conversations do.

F: What was I talking about initially?

F: Oh, I was talking about balancing school, mental, and physical health. I feel like, as a together parent, as a parent that’s really kicking ass, you’re going to guide your child through balancing all of those aspects of their life. Because, if you don’t teach them to do that now, they’re not going to know how to do it. Which, it’s taken me all of my adult years to figure out. I still don’t do it very well. As soon as I start getting all rockstar on my depression, well, my diabetes is out of hand. And as soon as I get my diabetes in order, I’ve neglected my home and my duties here. I’m just not very good at it. But, it’s my goal, that you’ll be better at it as an adult than I am, and you’ll be far more successful than me.

A: Having mental illness, and having to go to school, like, having homework...

A: Like, sometimes, I can’t handle it. Do you understand?

F: Yep.

A: Like, that feels so dumb to say. It feels so lazy of me.

F: No! This last school year was really hard on all you kids. Not just my kids, but the kids at your school. I heard moms at cub scouts saying how they wished they’d sent their kids to another school, because the homework was outrageous. They tripled the homework. You’ve got homework on weekends and holidays.

A: I’m surprised I don’t have homework right now. Sometimes I feel like, I’m just sitting around and I’ll think, “Oh, I need to do my homework! Oh, wait! I’ve been out of school for three weeks!”

F: Yeah. No, I mean, I get it. Especially, middle school, is super overwhelming. I wish there was no homework. You don’t want to be in that environment of pressure all day, and have more pressure when you come home. I feel like kids would have an easier time balancing their lives, if they didn’t have to bring school home. Which, is why I’m glad I took you guys out of your afternoon activities. So you’d have more time for balance. The school puts a lot on you and they’re not factoring in your mental health. They’re not factoring in how hard it is.

A: I don’t think the school board knows that mentally ill children exist.

F: I feel like it doesn’t just affect mentally ill kids. It affects all the kids. There’s so much pressure all the time and then to have to bring it home.

F: One of the things concerning school and bipolar disorder, is IEP. Your school district is so eager to hand out Gifted and Talented IEPs, but they make it next level impossible to get a one for a disability. Not in a proactive way, at least. They’re not as willing to make accommodations. I’ve been fighting for three years to get you an IEP, and all I hear is, “You’re going to hire a lawyer because your request will be denied.”

A: Why didn’t you have to hire a lawyer for G/T?

F: Exactly. The thing is, and they’ve said it to me before, if you throw a desk or punch someone in the face, they’ll write out an IEP that day.

A: I’d get expelled. If you get in a fight, you get suspended and if you get suspended, you get expelled.

F: True for your school. The problem is, they’re all about being reactive. I’d rather set accommodations up for you in a proactive way, so you don’t end up throwing a desk or hitting someone or lashing out in some way, but they won’t do it with out a lawyer. When I go to them and say, “My child has a diagnosed and medicated mental illness,” I was under the assumption that they’re supposed to work with me on that.

A: Children with mental illness should not have to hire a lawyer to get what they need from the school system.

F: That is a profound statement and very true.

F: It’s sad. I guess I’m going to have to hire a lawyer to get you what you need in school. I don’t want you to be in that position where you’re feeling unstable and you have no out. You’ve texted me a couple of times from school saying, “I’m feeling pretty on edge. Can you come get me?” I’m glad you had that out, but what if you didn’t?

F: Somebody that I know, her son threw a desk at school, and the school called the police. They handcuffed him and took him to the psychiatric unit of the local hospital before they called his mother.

A: I think that’s illegal.

F: Whatever it is, it’s not okay.

A: It’s not reflective of human rights.

F: That’s profound.

F: Do you have any more notes?

A: No.

F: Okay, then I want to end this on one note.

F: Everybody. And I mean everybody. Parents. Friends. Relatives. Caregivers. Mental Health Professionals. School systems. Politicians. Lobbyists. They’re ALL failing our children. One hundred percent. Parents aren’t paying enough attention. Parents don’t know their rights. Parents don’t see what’s happening within their own children. Or maybe they do, but they don’t know how to get help. Medical professionals are withholding information. They’re not offering treatment for children. School system is absolute crap for mentally ill children. It has such a huge stigma. I hate that word, but there is such a huge stigma around children’s mental illness. Parents are afraid to come forward. Kids are afraid to come forward. No one wants to speak up.

F: WE ARE FAILING OUR KIDS.

A: I know you wanted to end on this, but I just wish that you could go to your parents and tell them that you don’t feel good mentally, just like you would if you had a stomach ache. Like, “Oh, I’m feeling a little bit anxious” just like “Oh, I have a headache.”

A: I wish you could be picked up from school because you had an anxiety attack, just like you would if you threw up or had a fever.

F: I completely agree with you. I wish you could walk in to your doctor’s office and say, “I feel very very sad,” the same way you’d say, “I have a lot of headaches.”

F: Maybe one day. Hopefully within your lifetime. But for now, until something changes, a lot of kids are dying. A lot of kids are going undiagnosed. A lot of kids and families are suffering. A lot of kids are becoming tormented adults because they’re not getting the help that they need.

F: THEY’RE BEING FAILED AT EVERY SINGLE LEVEL.

[destroyyourbinder]

ROGD is driving me crazy (parts 3 & 4)

I was planning on writing a long, well-researched piece on why "rapid-onset gender dysphoria" (ROGD) is not really a thing as such, but I don't know if I'll ever get around to it. I don't dispute that there is something really bizarre going on with the tremendous increase in female children and adolescents seeking transition or gender-dysphoria-related care, and I don't dispute that there is a social contagion aspect, linked to social media use and access to the internet, to this rise in gender dysphoria/trans-identification. But the whole concept of ROGD is suspect, and it drives me nuts that it's taken as the gold standard now for questioning the wiseness of transitioning children or the broader claims about gender made by transgender ideology. Here's a not-so-brief, but as brief as I can get without weeks of research, rundown of what is bothering me, in several parts (PART 1) (PART 2) (PART 3 & 4) (PART 5) --------- (PART 3) The concept of ROGD is being promoted by a number of doctors and researchers who were heavily involved in studying trans people at major North American gender clinics and who actively transitioned children and adults in the 1980s through early 2000s, but whose careers were derailed by transgender activist politics (i.e. Ray Blanchard, Michael Bailey, Kenneth Zucker). Their research material, therapy techniques, ideologies, and professional involvements are widely public and honestly scare me, and suffice to say, I am extremely skeptical of their motivations. These professionals are extremely invested in creating a narrative where they can make a "comeback" by being vindicated in their theories and practices which promote a more "conservative" approach to transitioning children in particular. They all believe that transitioning minors-- usually at the onset of puberty or post-puberty-- is at least sometimes appropriate, but they believe they can determine specifically when it is warranted and when it is not. Their rationale for diverting children from a transition path is specifically that it is a socially difficult outcome-- the same rationale previously used for attempting to divert children from homosexuality, with the same practices used to divert them-- not that transitioning them would violate their bodily integrity, that children are not capable of making such weighty decisions, that transition is homophobic, or that their gender identities have been constructed in patriarchally abusive environments and that learning to cope with this ubiquitous abuse should be the first priority. I personally believe most of their opinions are frankly stupid, regressive, and homophobic and set us all up for this problem to begin with. Zucker in particular has continually rubbed elbows with and borrowed theories and practices from researchers from the 70s and 80s who were obsessively interested in the development and prevention of homosexuality; I don't trust professionals who participate in the lineage of such terrible history.

(PART 4) The idea that "early-onset" kids are the true transgender population is crazy to me because these children historically were subject to reparative therapies medically rather than encouraged to transition at any point in their lives. Early social transition is an extremely recent phenomenon, and recognition of children as "transgender" rather than having "gender identity disorder of childhood" is also fairly recent, and we truly do not have enough data to know if young children who are taken to gender clinics based on parental report of extreme gender identity conflicts (which is only a sub-population of kids with so-called gender dysphoria anyway-- my mother, for example, would have thought it was insane to take her kid to a gender doctor no matter how "persistent" she was, and there was no major clinic nearby anyway) are more likely to be satisfied with transition as adults than transgender people with a different life path. Transition and "gender-affirmative care" may indeed be more merciful than reparative therapy, but these are not the only two options we have for caring for these kids or ameliorating their distress. Framing it as a matter of transitioning the right kids (those who are "early onset") and then… what? either convincing children without "proper" gender dysphoria that their identities were misguided in an authoritarian medical context, or for those against the idea of ROGD, transitioning them, too, lest we subject them to conversion therapy? is ridiculous. Transgender people with different life paths have indeed been the vast majority of trans people so far, and we have no idea how this correlates with the gender experiences of children. Trans adults misremember and distort their childhood experiences anyway; there are many later transitioning trans people out there who insist they were significantly gender non-conforming as small children or that they were very dysphoric at a young age when this is either outright untrue or a vast simplification of their childhood experiences. Simultaneously, the long-term experiences of those labeled as ROGD kids or young adults are being erased (usually by parents) in favor of a narrative where their dysphoria "suddenly" "came out of nowhere", when they may have been experiencing gender discomfort for a long while, albeit unvoiced or not conceived of in a way that was yet classically dysphoric. There are many adult trans men who are now in their 30s or older who would have fit a transgender profile similar to that of ROGD except without the internet social contagion aspect (i.e. pubertal onset of dysphoria), and these trans men are absolutely not being cited as examples of people who should have never been permitted to transition, even though if they were 15 years old today they could be the subject of a concerned-mother-thinkpiece. Most female trans people experience onset of their most distressing and intense dysphoria around puberty, such as upon first noticing mammary development or upon their first menstruation, even though they were likely quietly or not-so-quietly discontent since childhood. But most trans people also report their early internal conflicts about their bodies and social positions in the context of their later intense feelings and report them as clinically diagnosable levels of "dysphoria" through their memories, even if they would not have been clinically diagnosable would they have presented as an actual child to a gender clinic in early life. Many of the clinical features of ROGD are common to trans men's stories, and most trans men, although experiencing building levels of dysphoria until late childhood or adolescence, were not easily distinguishable as kids from tomboys, "weird girls", and/or proto-lesbian children. I'm suspicious of a narrative that means female children's memories and thoughts are uniquely positioned as subject to interrogation for truth by parents and authorities, especially when the "correct" answer is that these kids are lying about how bad it is to have been a girl and that they really liked it all along. (To be fair, I'm also extremely suspicious of transgender community for this reason as well, that female people are supposed to scrub their own memories and understanding of themselves until they come up with something that reinterprets their discontent and resistance as transgenderism.) I suspect ROGD is mostly only a definable phenomenon because adolescent girls actually feel empowered enough to report their gendered distress to parents and schools and demand attention for their symptoms. Because more girls are doing this from various backgrounds, and parents fundamentally must be involved in the process at least as facilitators of transition, they are more likely to be able to undermine their children's personal stories by claiming that these children were "not dysphoric" in early life. In prior iterations and many current iterations of transgender care, children were/are either brought into clinics by parents for their severe and socially disruptive gender nonconformity, or older adolescents or young adults would bring themselves in either without parents or with a parent who was trapped within the child's framing of her distress and so terrified about their child's mental health (including about the prospect of suicide) that she or he would rubber stamp whatever it took to get the child care deemed appropriate by medical professionals. Littman's ROGD study contacted a community of parents outside this paradigm, who were skeptical about their children's claims for whatever reason, whether justified or not, and whether these minors had diagnosable dysphoria in childhood or could at least report that they did or not. (As a note, I do believe Littman's study is a solid introduction to understanding a chunk of the population of modern trans-identified adolescents and young adults, and I don't think she did "bad science" or should be silenced; I just think her work should be viewed in context of the history and socio-politics of transgenderism, which means that we should be more broadly skeptical than simply about this subpopulation.)

[alexafaie-asd]

Trying CBD oil

So I am autistic and also have bipolar disorder and cPTSD and then a few related (to autism at least in terms of comorbidity) health issues such as joint hypermobility of some kind (the painful kind but its not been diagnosed so I don’t know which fits me best), low blood pressure and Reynaud’s Syndrome.

I recently saw a video which was discussing how CBD oil acts on the brain by a fellow bipolar individual who had tried it out and found that it helped her with anxiety and generally reduced the “noise” in her brain. So I thought, why not give it a try myself now that its available in the UK.

I have used cannabis in the past whilst at university so have some experience of it helping in some ways, but CBD oil does not contain the THC component which is responsible for the high so its safer for me given that I am already prone to psychosis at times.

Anyway, I got a bottle of the 5% CBD+ oil from Holland & Barrett today to give it a go.

Yesterday we went out for a meal with one of my boyfriend’s friends from back home who has moved and now lives closer to us. The restaurant was loud (music, lots of people) and I had a lot of sensory issues with that so it wasn’t as pleasant as it could have been (I cried a bit during dinner because they put whole small peppers on the pizza and I had to struggle with the shitty knife to cut them open to remove the seeds then when the waitress asked if the food was ok and I decided to speak up and say that no, I didn’t like that I had to prepare the peppers myself and remove the seeds, she just looked at me like I was stupid for having an issue with it and just said “well some people like to eat the seeds” I’ve never had sweet peppers served like that anywhere - even the stalks which you can’t eat were left on!).

Then today we went into town with two other friends of ours, I got soaked feet because I need new boots (it was very rainy) and it was the day when all the students come to move into the Halls and there was a huge cruise ship docked so it was very very very busy in town. And I had to do being social stuff. And then after a meal we wandered around the shops a bit. During all of this my right leg was in agony, especially my hip - all the muscles down that side feel like a rock they are that knotted up. And then on the way back, two cars swerved into the stream of water at the side of the road (absolutely no need to do so as they were plenty far enough away from the curb before spotting us, then chose to pull in) so I got soaked by that. Not pleasant! Got home, got naked, then into my pyjama dress then went up to bed to warm up a bit.

Tried a few drops of the CBD oil and its not fixed everything, the pain is still mostly there (and many hours later it is starting to come back a bit so I’m thinking it did help there a bit) but I don’t feel anywhere near as bad as I usually do after having been in a high stress, high sensory stimuli environment. Normally it would take me ages to recover, but I’m feeling kinda chill. Not perfect, but my head doesn’t feel so static-y like it usually does (sometimes its like my brain feels itchy or twitchy). It feels like its been quieter.

I think it may be time for another dose of it since it mentions 3 times a day as a reasonable dosing schedule and it does feel like its wearing off a bit, but so far its been pretty good. Its weird because normally my brain is not this quiet. The only time its felt similar to this is when I’ve dissociated except this isn’t quite like that. Its more like there’s just something in the way of the sensory stimuli so that less is getting through than normal.

I hope this keeps working like this because something that fast acting (within half an hour) is really beneficial. I wonder if it will help reduce sensory overload for me. That would be pretty damn good!

[actuallyadhd]

Have you heard of the seven types of adhd? And what do you think of it?

Hello friend!

Personally, I think the seven types is not useful. It doesn’t specify all, there are way more ‘types’. It doesn’t work well becuase there may be a mix of the types. It just sets out types that personally feels pressuring that we have to fit under a label. Nobody has the same exact issues as another, may be similar, but not the same. That is my take on it. - B

I agree with B. My reading of the seven types is that they really describe different types of things. Because I am procrastinating on going to bed, I’ll break it down for you. (The information about the seven types is coming directly from Dr Amen’s web site. Note that the only thing I find helpful about Amen is the ideas in his book Healing ADHD. Aside from that, I think his seven types of ADHD are bogus and SPECT scans are really not a good way to diagnose ADHD.)

This is really long, so I’m putting in a cut.

All types include these “core symptoms”: A short attention span for regular, routine, everyday tasks (homework, chores, etc.); Distractibility; Organization problems (like having a disorganized room and/or always running late); Procrastination; Problems with follow-through; Poor impulse control (saying or doing something before thinking it through).

1. “Classic ADD”---Symptoms include: Inattentive; Easily distracted; Disorganized; Impulsive; Poor follow through; Trouble listening when others talk to them; Making careless mistakes/poor attention to detail; Forgetfulness; Restlessness; Being fidgety; Difficulty awaiting their turn; Act as though driven by a motor; Being noisy; Talking excessively; Interrupting others. The description says that babies are colicky, active, and wiggly; children are restless, talkative, noisy, and demanding.

This reads like Hyperactive/Impulsive ADHD to me.

2. “Inattentive ADD”---Symptoms include: Trouble focusing; Easily distracted; Disorganized; Poor follow through; Trouble listening when others talk to them; Problems with time management; Tendency to lose things; Making careless mistakes; poor attention to detail; Forgetfulness; Excessive daydreaming; Complaints of being bored; Appearing unmotivated or apathetic; Being tired, sluggish or slow moving; Appearing “spacey” or preoccupied. This is the type that is why they refuse to use “ADHD” as the name for the disorder, because not all people who have ADHD are hyperactive. It gets missed because these people don’t cause the problems those with “Classic ADD” cause.

This is definitely Inattentive ADHD. I want to note that technically there is supposed to be a / in the middle, so it’s actually AD/HD, indicating that hyperactivity may or may not be present. But anyway. Pedant and all that.

3. “Over-focused ADD”---Symptoms include: Core symptoms of ADD; Excessive or senseless worrying; Getting stuck in loops of negative thoughts; Oppositional and argumentative; Tendency toward compulsive behaviors; Difficulty seeing options; Excessive worrying; Tendency to hold grudges; Difficulty shifting attention from subject to subject; Tendency to hold onto own opinion and not listen to others; Needing to have things done a certain way or they get upset; May or may not be hyperactive. Apparently the hallmark of this one is hyperfocus. And people who are related to addicts or alcoholics are more likely to have this type.

Considering the fact that most ADHDers hyperfocus, this must be the most common type, right? Not according to Amen. WTF, dude, this is like a hallmark of ADHD. It’s not a necessary thing, but almost all of us hypefocus.

4. “Temporal Lobe ADD”---Symptoms include: Core symptoms of ADD; Memory problems; Auditory processing issues; Irritability; Episodes of quick temper; Periods of spaciness or confusion; Periods of panic and/or fear for no reason; Visual changes such as seeing shadows or objects changing shape; Episodes of déjà vu; Sensitivity or mild paranoia; Headaches or abdominal pain of uncertain origin; History of head injury; Dark thoughts (may involve suicidal or homicidal thoughts); Possible learning disabilities; May or may not be hyperactive. As you see in the list of symptoms, this is the type found in people with brain injury.

I’m going to leave aside the stuff about brain injury, because it’s a known fact that brain injury can cause a lot of ADHD symptoms, and in some cases stimulant medication can be really helpful. Instead, let’s look at the fact that the list of emotion-related symptoms are incredibly common among all ADHDers. I’m also not sure how having a learning disorder can be a symptom of ADHD. Comorbid, definitely. But a symptom? Nah, that’s weird.

5. “Limbic ADD”---Symptoms include: Core symptoms of ADD; Moodiness; Negativity; Low energy; Frequent irritability; Tendency for social isolation; Feelings of hopelessness; Perceived helplessness; Feelings of guilt; Loss of interest in things; Sleep changes (too much or too little); Chronic low self-esteem; May or may not be hyperactive. The SPECT scans show subtle differences between this and depression, so that plus developmental history helps to diagnose.

Sorry not sorry, this sounds like depression and the differences in the SPECT scans (which, as I said at the beginning, are suspect) are probably due to the fact that the person also has ADHD.

6. “Ring of Fire ADD”---Symptoms include: Core symptoms of ADD; Sensitive to noise, light, clothes or touch; Cyclic mood changes (highs and lows); Inflexible rigid thinking; Oppositional; Demanding to have their way; Periods of mean, nasty or insensitive behavior; Periods of increased talkativeness; Unpredictable behavior; Periods of increased impulsivity; Grandiose or “larger than life” thinking; Talks fast; Racing thoughts; Appears anxious or fearful; Irritability; May or may not be hyperactive. This is the one that can be confused with bipolar disorder, but apparently with this type of ADHD you have the behaviour issues all the time. Also, more subtle differences in the SPECT scans.

This sounds like ADHD with comorbid bipolar disorder and sensory processing disorder. The clarifying paragraph talks about “bipolar kids” and to my knowledge, it is incredibly rare for children to have bipolar disorder. It states that adults with bipolar will have mania while those who just have this type of ADHD will not. Given that a lot of these symptoms are pretty common ADHD symptoms regardless of type, I call bull.

7. “Anxious ADD”---Symptoms include: Core symptoms of ADD; Frequently anxious or nervous; Physical stress symptoms such as headaches; Tendency to freeze in social situations; Dislikes or gets excessively nervous speaking in public; Predicts the worse; Conflict avoidant; Fear of being judged. There’s not much else here beyond SPECT scan information.

Anyone else recognize signs of rejection sensitive dysphoria here? RSD is practically universal. Aside from that, you can actually have ADHD plus an anxiety disorder.

So here’s the main problem with this whole idea: while it’s certainly possible (and likely) that the current three types in the DSM-5 are not an accurate sorting method, neither are these seven types. He’s conflating ADHD plus comorbid disorders AND confusing comorbid disorders (and common symptoms of ADHD in general) with symptoms of these specific types.

He says that it’s important to know which type you are so that you can tailor treatment to your type. The whole basis for all of this is the SPECT scans, which show differences in blood flow during concentration. The thing is, we know that the ADHD brain actually develops differently from the non-ADHD brain. Some structures are simply not the same. So I’m not sure if blood flow is even relevant, since it could be related to which brain structures have developed in which ways.

He also says multiple times that since ADHD is different for everyone, there’s not really a one-size-fits-all treatment. While I agree with that, I’m confused about why that means we need more boxes to squeeze us into. I mean, reading the symptoms lists I fit into at least three different types on his list of seven... probably because I have Combined ADHD.

So anyway, that’s the breakdown. I’m sure someone out there has more science about why this is bunk, and I’d love to share if you want to submit the information.

-J