#anyways goodbye to this gdoc

[riwrite]

every year or so im like. im gonna try making a carrd again. and every time i get fed up within an hour

[zukkaoru]

go back and tell it sounds fun {insert many eye emojis bc im on desktop rn]

this is also part of my post-doa arc series, and what i have right now actually started as the beginning to my chuuya-centric fic for the series (which is.. currently collecting dust in my gdocs) and the one sentence summary i have for it is:  the direct fallout of the decay of angels incident, as observed by the agency’s allies

aka snippets of what happened directly after the doa incident as it went in my au, from the perspectives of characters outside the agency. i only have the chuuya section done atm but i'm planning on writing for lucy, aya, sigma, bram, poe and maybe akutagawa as well. i also need to sort of. um. figure out what exactly happened at the airport battle in this fic which is why i haven't written any of the other sections yet sfdgfgk anyway have a little snippet

Lucy scoffs, rolling her eyes. But Dazai’s already turned away and started walking with determination towards the airport building. So Chuuya offers Lucy a wave goodbye and a sympathetic smile before darting after him. “Oi, you shouldn’t be walking so much on that leg injury!” “Not now, Chuuya.” “I’m being serious.” He slows his pace as he catches up with Dazai. “You’re going to make it worse. You need to get it looked at properly; it should be in a cast at the very least and depending on how bad it is, you might need surg— Hey!” Dazai grabs Chuuya’s arm, yanking him closer, then hisses, “This doesn’t make any sense.” “What are you talking about?”

[lifeofagirlnameddan]

This Life (Prt 2)

(I've reached my word limits whoops) So where was I? Ah yes, so I said my goodbyes and asked Cat for one last favor. If he could contact my cousin to let her know I was at the park waiting for her. After that she found me and I broke down in her arms, I gave the man back his phone and thanked him for bringing me to my cousin. (by the way same one I've been mentioning all this time) She took me back to her place and we explained to her parents (Leaving out the fact that I rode a motorbike and had a grab driver drive me here, they all still believe I walked all the way there and got through the security guards of the subdivision) They took me in and told my dad what happened, my dad then told my mom where I was... I refused to go home so I stayed in their house for almost a month. I was getting quite used to living with her... But mom called me back home despite me not wanting to. I felt ashamed, unloved, and all that shmuck. Anyway she still came to get me and I was brought home, we spoke and cleared things up. Oh yes I am still in trouble. But she forgave me anyway. It was a very constant reminder that...She as a mother forgives me despite the fact I've done this multiple times, its always a guy! But I did my best to make it up to her and win her trust back. Six months passed and I still haven't reached out to anyone, I wanted to continue writing my stories so I did, I was in my google docs and...I kind of missed talking to my friends J and A (A is a girl I've been friends with since 4th grade all the way to grade 6, then I left for homeschool right? Well as soon as we turned grade 8 She followed along and went homeschooling, there was a time that I couldn't handle J's art requests so I referred him to A and my cousin, the four of us clicked and we've been friends ever since) But I wasn't able to talk to them after the whole problem right? So my cousin became my messenger, I'd send her emails and messages to relay to J and A, until we decided to just lay it all out on a google docs, I was in my Harry Potter phase that time so I joked about my cousin being my owl, and the google docs sheet as the Owl inventories... That name stuck ever since. We would chat there, IN GDOCS! and we would write stories together and all that. Soon after I was allowed a phone a g a i n, this time I can be trusted! I spoke to my friends in Instagram, (We call ourselves the Owls!) then we got to making a discord server, and eventually we all just grew closer and closer, It seemed like life is brighter now in a way... 2022 was ending soon, and my mom wanted me to go back to a regular school before senior high, so grade 10 I enrolled in a school that... I attended when I was 4 years old from Nursery until 2nd grade (Context I've been to 3 schools in all my life so far. 1st school was Nursery to 2nd grade, 2nd school was 3rd to 6th grade, Homeschool 7th-9th and then going back to the 1st school for grade 10) So I did, and you'll never guess what happened after...

July 2022

Before school started (It starts September) I joined a free workshop lyrics writing class, there I met Teacher R. He was a kind old teacher whose been teaching there for years (Actually they said he was my old music teacher but I dont remember him at all) In that class was my one other face to face classmate, F. At first I thought F was a teacher, nevermind he was a 12th grader! Not only that he was the Student Council President, Class President and Top student! So wow I thought, I get to meet and be friends with someone who would give me advantage to adjust in this school life again hooray...I thought we were equal when it came to music...nevermind he played ukulele, guitar, he can sing...and play the piano! When he played the piano my competitiveness arose, and I asked who taught him... It was none other than Teacher R! So I asked him to be my teacher, and I took up piano lessons, so starting every Tuesdays and Thursdays after class, I'll head down to the school's piano room for my piano lessons...

Sept2022-2023

I return to my old school, wow did it look familiar at the same time all so different! When did they install an elevator?! I thought wow cool, I'm probably gonna like it here, I found out that some of my old friends I've known since what--diapers? Nursery! Were still there, most of them were still there and only a few unfamiliar faces. I was a returnee student so some of them knew me and some didn't, There was also a new girl who enrolled along with me, Y. She's a Japanese girl who came to our country to study English. Problem is... This school require students to study CHINESE. Me and Y became classmates for our Chinese classes, with that we became good friends. After Chinese class I would go down to the piano room and she would follow along and hang around while I'm learning. A few days of that happened and eventually another girl approaches me, she's Cz. She became a really good friend to me and honestly I love her. The piano room soon filled with more new friends, the most frequent one who tend to make it their routine to join me as I take my piano lessons was Y, Cz, S, Rat, and Ax. Oh they were such fun friends but there was a growing problem... I started becoming really close with S... thats bad, i denied anything and said oh of course we're just friends (We were....WE ARE! Its just theres a bit of something?) And the problem was... Cz also started to like S! SO OH NO-- Two for one is not a good deal guys... So many problems happened but me and Cz never fought, we would give away our desires and would step back for the sake of the others happiness. S on the other hand was confused. S liked me (i didn't know that) and I liked S. We hung out together in a mall (Was it a date--) after that I didn't feel like it was working and Ax was just putting thoughts in my head that confused me all the more... So I distanced myself and Cz confessed to S... Confused, S confessed back to Cz and they became mu. They didn't date, but it was painful to see them so close together before... Eventually Cz realized she didn't like guys who liked her back (Red flag behavior but I love her back off, I'll protect her with my life) And we all took time to sort things out, eventually Me and S became friends again and got closer and closer, bonding over cosplay and anime and we planned to go to a con with a group of friends. So we did. We went to the con and we've been establishing that no feelings, just friends, just friends and nothing else... That con is a curse. The place was crowded, the lines were long, the sun was shining and it was really hot. From the lines the sun hit my eyes...ah...S gave me his jacket to cover my head... Okay thanks... As the line moves we were getting tired standing for hours to get in, S leaned on my backpack... his arms draped around my shoulders, (was I blushing or its just the heat) We got in and we stayed to watch a valorant match. Ah oh no... we got separated from our group of friends, we push our way through the crowds...I hold on to his backpack. It's really hard to do navigate this way... He took my hand and said it's just so we won't get lost. Ah so our friends are on the second level of the building, and there is only two escalators on each side, and both have really...really...really...long lines. So we stayed lining up, tired so tired... He was basically hugging my neck as he leans on me, oh my mind was racing indeed. we're just friends, we're just friends, we're just friends,we're just friends... In my head I would fight my battles, everytime his hand brushed my shoulder I would ask him what is he doing? You know what he'd do? (He's an MMA enthusiast, He loves to box, wrestle, sword fight, do martial arts and stuff) He'd CHOKE HOLD ME JOKINGLY Like I will bite your arm if you do that one more time! We're such goofy friends, I liked our dynamic, we understand one another... I like his personality... His laugh... everytime he would geek out and ramble on about robots, swords, video games and anime I just couldn't help but listen and find him interesting.

[witchboyjimin]

kjask i just opened this gdoc labeled jm's bday fic n im looking at this outline i have 0 recollection of ever writing...there's like a page of shit here

[sanktnikolais]

the ones we once loved

A/N: GUESS WHO’S BACK???? Sorry for being MIA for months, writer’s block got the better of me and had me on chokehold lkajsdhfklahj but here’s a new one from me. It’s a new one, I promise, and it’s not from my archive of wips in my gdocs. But it’s sad tho, so be warned. 

This was heavily based on a song from my fave local band that I’ve been crying over for a week now. I literally listened to the song once, had a vibe, and went on with it and was like “oooh it would be fun to make a zoyalai songfic out of this” so here I am. HAHAHALKSDJFH

The song in question: https://open.spotify.com/track/6YjKd9oPXKqjLUVPo4Y0oi?si=0d7763c66070499b

Anyway, I have said too much again. Have this offering from me. :DDD

Word count: 3342

Sometimes, a proper closure and goodbye is all you would ever need.

To say Nikolai was happy was an understatement. 

          If one were to even just take a glance at him, they could probably feel the elation radiating off of him as he kept his eyes trained at the lone figure approaching. There was still something about the way she made his heart stutter every time he looked at her. He, in all the years he had known her, couldn’t deny it. And around him, even without looking at them, he knew the people were also focused on her.

          Maybe it was because of the rare smile on her lips that she couldn’t help but show. Maybe it was the way her eyes glowed, shiny with tears, that made them brighter than he had ever seen them before.

          Or maybe it was the fact that she was finally walking down the aisle, the one thing she had always told him she never imagined herself doing unless it was for the right person that somehow made her see and think differently, and Nikolai was there to witness it with his very eyes. 

          Either way, there was nothing in the world that could ever compare to the feeling of seeing her happy as she neared him. 

          The music in the botanical garden swelled into a mild crescendo, cued just in time for her to reach the altar at the front. Nikolai’s eyes stung with tears, and he fought to wipe them away. There were no qualms over it; there was no reason to hide them and not let them show. And yet they still hadn’t fallen, no matter how clouded it made his vision.

          But amidst the blurriness, the moment their eyes met, he could still see her clearly as if it was the first time he saw her many, many years ago. It was only then that the small smile on her lips had turned into a full grin, the one she never often showed, and it lit up her entire demeanor. 

          Nikolai let out a breathless laugh. She was there, right in front of him, her expression mirroring his own, and right then, everything flashed before his eyes. From their rough beginnings and exhausting journey in the following years; the ups and the downs; the smiles and laughs and tears and anger that they had seen each other through that led them to this very moment. 

          They had surely come so far.

                                                            ***

Toeing the door to his room closed, Nikolai emerged to the empty hallway. The small party held downstairs was still ongoing; with Tamar’s hearty laugh and Genya’s enthusiastic voice echoing in the night, there was no doubt the fun wouldn’t be ending anytime soon. He felt a bit bad for retiring early, but the weariness from all the preparations they had done and keeping up the joyful, life-of-the-party persona throughout the day had finally caught up with him and demanded a payment of rest.

          And yet even as he had tried to close his eyes and waited for sleep to take over, he still found himself tossing and turning, sleep evading him just as it had always been since back then. More often than not, he wouldn’t be able to catch a rest until the late hours of the next day, when the exhaustion was overwhelming, and he would most likely be knocked out for a whole day.

          So now he found himself wandering around the villa’s second floor, thinking that if sleep wasn’t coming for him tonight, he might as well familiarize himself with the place. 

          The hallway ended on a glass door leading to a balcony, and he immediately shivered at the cold night air once he stepped out. Small lamp posts surround the area, lighting up the space a bit dimly, a whole contrast to the view from below, where the lights in the garden were bright and made it look alive even at this time of day. Nikolai deliberately walked towards the parapet and leaned comfortably on it. The view in the gardens was quite breathtaking already–with the decorations for tomorrow’s big event already in their right places, and if he were to describe it, he’d say it was almost perfect. All it needed now were the people and the couple to be wed.

          Nikolai let out a chuckle. The jitters in his body felt a bit overwhelming, though he figured it was only ever normal for a day as important as tomorrow. 

          It was a wedding, after all. 

          “Thought I’d see you here.”

          He almost jumped at the sudden voice that came behind him, but he quickly relaxed when he realized whom the voice belonged to. He’d recognize it anywhere. A light chuckle came from his lips as he turned, leaning on his elbow by the parapet. There was Zoya, by the glass door that led back to the hallway, who was looking back at him with her arms crossed and a raised eyebrow.

          The amusement only doubled for Nikolai when he decided to mirror Zoya’s stare, raising an eyebrow back at her. “Why, Nazyalensky, has everyone reported me missing?”

          Zoya scoffed. “Without your annoying voice at the party, it can be quite alarming. You might as well be labeled missing.”

          “I’m surprised you found me this fast,” said Nikolai. A beat, and then his eyes narrowed playfully. “You sure you don’t have me bugged?”

          “My idiot radar is very strong,” Zoya mused back, walking towards him to stand by the parapet as well. “If you think you’re doing great at hiding, please do know you’re very predictable.”

          Nikolai put a hand to his chest, feigning hurt dramatically. “Very harsh,” he said. 

          “Very honest,” Zoya replied.

          Silence settled between them, the kind that was comfortable enough for them to have their walls down and be vulnerable around each other, just like old times. Maybe there was just something about being around the person you know well that always made you feel at ease. 

          Nikolai was thankful he had that someone right now. 

          “Couldn’t sleep?” asked Zoya after a moment, and Nikolai wanted to laugh. Leave it to Zoya who always seemed to know everything. He almost forgot how observant she could be. “You don’t usually sulk on balconies at this time.”

          “Maybe I just wanted to grab some fresh air.” Nikolai tried his usual response of deflecting the subject again. It was his old way of getting the attention away from him, and though he always knew it wouldn’t work on her, he still tried. He gave her a wink. “Some things do change, you know.”

          “The only thing that needs changing is you talking too much,” Zoya said, humoring him for a moment. When he opened his mouth to say something funny, she was already taking the subject back at him. “Stop changing the matter.”

          Nikolai laughed, the sound coming out more exhausted than he intended, as if he was admitting defeat. “Yeah. You know, the usual,” he replied casually. “I can say it’s one thing that’s probably not going to change.”

          Zoya’s eyebrows narrowed in concern. “How are you holding up?” 

          The question caught him off guard for a bit, the sudden inquiry about himself making him want to put back his mask of a problem-free face, void of any signs of vulnerability he didn’t want to show. 

          But this was Zoya, one of the few people he trusted. It wouldn’t be fair for him to shut her out when she had only shown him genuine concern. A small pang of guilt washed over him, and he sighed.

          And yet for a fleeting moment, there was a small voice in the back of his head. Can you blame yourself? it said. You aren’t used to that anymore.

          Nikolai pushed the thought away. “I’m doing great,” he replied, giving her a lopsided grin when he noticed that her expression had turned into a frown. “Worry not, Nazyalensky. It’s just another day of my restlessness being a little bitch, nothing too serious. Besides, you can’t get rid of me that easily.” 

          The frown on Zoya’s face remained as her eyes searched his, as if to check if he was trying to hide something else. It made Nikolai chuckle lightly. She had always had the knack of making sure that she wasn’t missing any subtle signs that something was bothering him. There wasn’t any reason for her to do that now.

          But perhaps Nikolai figured there were just some things you still harbored from a past that had taught you so much.

          “Sometimes I forget how annoying you can be,” Zoya said after a long moment, shaking her head with a scoff, and Nikolai gave a hearty laugh. He knew the small storm had already passed. 

          “Ah, we both know it’s my best trait,” said Nikolai.

          “Remind me how I even got to put up with you for years?”

          “Because I’m charming?”

          “I beg to differ.”

          Nikolai made an expression of mock hurt. “You hurt me.”

          Something in Zoya’s expression shifted, a brief moment of pain flashing in her eyes. It was gone after a blink, and if Nikolai didn’t know her too well, that sight would have slipped past his mind and gone unnoticed. 

          He opened his mouth to ask her about it, but hesitated at the last second and kept his mouth shut. It felt too privy. 

          Should he still ask?

          But Zoya had already gone back to her usual annoyed expression, and Nikolai took it as a cue to let it go. She gave him a smirk. “Only being honest.”

          Another silence lapsed between them, but this time, it felt a little heavier, as if something unsettling had wedged its way in them. 

          Something from the past.

          Nikolai felt a frown on his face. They were already past that. The talk had already been done.

          And yet why did it feel like there was still something unfinished?

          “How about you, how are you holding up?” he asked casually, trying to tread carefully around the sudden change in the air around them. He turned back to the garden and gestured to the already put up decorations in the middle. “Very big day tomorrow.”

          He looked at Zoya sideways as she moved to lean towards the parapet as well, her eyes having a soft, faraway look as she looked down the gardens. “Honestly nervous,” she said. 

          Nikolai nodded in understanding. It wasn’t something that Zoya would usually admit. She was the type to look stoic and confident, and rarely showed any signs of vulnerability; it had taken Nikolai quite a time to learn when she was only putting up a front because she was just as good at hiding their true selves as he was. 

          Maybe it was the thing that brought them together—two people afraid to show themselves happened to find each other. 

          But maybe it was the same thing that brought them apart—two halves of a whole torn from each other when they found that their paths weren’t in the same track anymore.

          “But happy too,” Zoya added after a moment.

          Amidst the heaviness of the air, Nikolai found himself sighing in relief. That was good news for him. Since the start, he had never wanted anything else but to see her happy, and hearing that from her had brought a sense of fulfillment to his heart. 

          Even if it wasn’t with him. 

          “I’m very glad to hear that,” he said genuinely, sending her a sideways grin.

          There was another short silence, and Nikolai felt it suffocating him. He knew he should say something, address the lingering shadows on their shoulders begging to be noticed. But for some reason, he didn’t know how to. And he usually prided himself of being able to talk his way to anything. 

          And yet when it came to Zoya, he always seemed to forget how to do anything.

          Nikolai turned to her, the question already on the tip of his tongue, but Zoya had beat him to it.

          “Was it for the best?” she asked suddenly, and for a moment, Nikolai was stunned into silence.

          It was the same question that came back to his mind every time he was hit with the reminders of what had once been. They had ended on good terms—saying that separating would be the best way. But can they really say that they tried? Or was it better to say they should have tried harder?

          Nikolai felt a prickling pain in his heart again, but this time it was lighter than what it used to be, like a distant, bittersweet memory. “Yeah, I guess so,” he said. Then with a light laugh to brush off the constricting feeling in his chest, he said, “You look happier.” 

          Zoya let out a small chuckle of her own. “There are times I still can’t believe I am,” she said wistfully, training her eyes up to the night sky. “Perhaps this was the way it’s supposed to be.”

          There was something in the way she said those words that made his chest feel too tight, and the stinging in his eyes had him look away from her. He let out a shaky breath, overwhelmed with the sudden wave of the pain he thought he had already buried a long time ago. That was three years ago. 

          Why was it coming back now?

          “We did try, didn’t we?” Nikolai asked back, feeling the stinging in his eyes become worse.

          A beat, and then Zoya’s voice came after a moment. “We did,” she said, so softly he almost missed it. 

          His throat clogged up as he turned to look back at her, and he was struck of a memory the time he realized he had fallen in love with her—it was almost the same sight, with him looking at her watching the sky, and he had vowed that moment that he would do anything to make her stay.

          But as the years passed, Nikolai figured that there were some things that he needed to let go. 

          “I’m sorry,” he managed to say, and Zoya immediately turned to him with a confused look. “For—for the pain I might have caused you. For everything.” He gave a tired laugh, shaking his head, feeling silly for repeating the words that had already been said and done. “I know I’ve already said it before. I just wanted to say it again.” 

          Zoya shook her head. “You don’t have to be sorry. There’s nothing to apologize for,” she said, and then she reached out to place a hand to his arm. When she looked back up at him, he noticed that her eyes were gleaming as well. “I’m not sorry for having you in my life once. I don’t regret a single thing, Nikolai.”

          Nikolai felt his vision blur even more as he drew in a shaky breath, also reaching out to touch her hand on his arm. He gave it a gentle squeeze and hoped she could understand the gratitude he felt over her assurance. “Me too,” he said. 

          The tears finally fell from his eyes, and yet he didn’t reach up to wipe them away. It was only fitting, as it would be the last time he would ever have to wallow in the memories of the past. All that was left in the path before them were the what ifs and what could have beens. 

          But the time had come to step past it and go on their own separate ways. 

          Maybe we were only ever meant to be a lesson for each other.

          “We did try,” Nikolai said again, as if to reassure them both, “and I think that’s better than not trying at all.”

          He heard Zoya draw in a shaky laugh, and she gave his arm another squeeze. “That was a very you thing to say,” she said, and they both laughed. 

          Nikolai turned to face her fully, taking a deep breath before giving her a genuine smile. “Since you don’t want any apology,” he started, earning a scoff from Zoya, “then thank you.” 

          It was only when he felt his chest lighten did he really understand why the past had come back to visit them even after a long time of being on good terms with each other. This was the final line of their chapters in each other’s books, a period replacement for the comma that was written when they had parted ways three years ago.

          They had only said their best wishes to each other back then; a small part of them still open to the possibility of their paths meeting again someday. But now it was the time to say their goodbyes. 

          “Thank you,” Nikolai repeated, “for being a part of my life, and for still letting me be in yours. I’m glad to have met you, and I never regretted anything.” He paused to take in another deep breath. “You have no idea how grateful I am of you, Zoya.” 

          A tear fell from Zoya’s eye, and just like him, she didn’t reach up to wipe it away. “Still the ever flatterer, aren’t you, Lantsov?”

          “Only for you,” he said with a wink. Then he reached out for a handshake, and he said, “I wish you the very best, Zoya.” 

          Zoya looked at his hand for a moment, and then she shook her head with an incredulous laugh. “You will always be my favorite idiot, Lantsov,” she said. “So I think we’re way past a handshake.”

          She took his hand, giving it a firm squeeze before she was pulling him to her and wrapping her arms around him. It took Nikolai another second to give in and get lost in her embrace, burying his face in her hair, savoring the moment where he could still hold her for the last time.

          And at last, after a long time, he could finally say that his heart was in peace. 

                                                            ***

Zoya paused, her steps almost slowing to a stop until they were face-to-face. For a moment, she reached a hand out to his arm, giving it a gentle touch as if to convey everything she couldn’t say through that short, fleeting touch. Nikolai felt it all—the gratitude, the apology, the sorrow, the happiness, everything. And if it were a different time, a different place, a different life, he would have reached back for her.

          But that moment was long gone.

          As quick as the moment happened, it was done, Zoya let go.

          Then she walked past him, down the aisle, and towards her waiting eternity.

          It was only the time, when she had walked further and her back was onto him, did Nikolai finally feel a tear slide down his cheek. And yet, when he expected the tightness in his chest, he only felt light. Seeing her happy and content was the only thing he ever wanted, and finally witnessing her achieve it brought calmness and relief to his heart.

          Much later, when the people applauded as the newlyweds were already readying themselves to leave the venue, Nikolai made sure he cheered louder for the both of them. That seemed to have caught Zoya’s attention, because she turned to find him in the crowd. Their eyes found each other, and through the crowd, she gave him one last smile. 

          Nikolai gave her his in return, along with a two-fingered salute that earned a laugh from her before she looked away and continued on. 

          And as he watched their limousine get further and further away, he found the smile on his face never wavering as he looked up at the sky. He closed his eyes, feeling the cool breeze around him as he pictured her face for the last time. 

          When he opened them again, the image was already faded, but he knew it would be engraved in the deepest depths of his heart. 

          An important piece of what had once made it whole.

          Goodbye to the one I once loved.

                                                            ***

But who knew the rolling seasons would reveal that sometimes

I wasn’t meant to be the one

So goodbye to the one I once loved

---

A/N: if you reach this far, please do know i appreciate you aklsdjfhklah i’ll try to write a happy fic soon too ;-;

[lire-casander]

i was tagged by @moviegeek03 @morganaspendragonss @manesalex @reyescarlos @bellakitse @buckleymanes @eveningspirit @echo-bleu and probably someone else, but since i suck at life in general i can’t remember. thank you all for the tag!

rules: post the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. send me an ask with the title that most intrigues you and i’ll post a little snippet of it or tell you something about it! and then tag as many people as you have WIPs.

so, i have tons of WIPs and most of them aren’t even an idea yet, but i’m doing this to make myself accountable for everything i want to write. jsyk, these are spread in my gdocs in different folders, and some of them i won’t be starting working on until may/june. anyway, feel free to hit me up with your questions!

bthb – tarlos + verbal abuse + ansgty prompts

bthb – 04. isolation + malex

bthb – voice breaking + alex manes/malex

bthb – touch starved + malex

bthb – abandonment/neglect + malex

gthb – forehead kisses

gthb – wearing the other’s clothes + judd/grace

gthb – talking in your sleep + judd/grace

gthb – neighbors au + tarlos

gthb – weekend getaway + tarlos

gthb – ferris Wheel date momento + tarlos

day 6 – April 10th + tarlos

day 7 – April 11th + tarlos

malex remix – April 26th

302 rosabel for serena

tk showing carlos off to his friends in nyc

sequel to pondrás mi vida donde debe estar + tarlos

post s2 – malex – alex singing to michael

sequel to feel these slices and cuts + malex

4th chapter to sometimes your first scars don’t ever fade away – 02. sacrifices + goodbyes + malex

#1 – April 16th + tarlos

#2 – April 17th + tarlos

#3 – April 18th + tarlos

day 1: 19 April 2021 + rnm

day 2: 20 April 2021 + rnm

day 3: 21 April 2021 + rnm

day 4: 22 April 2021 + rnm

day 5: 23 April 2021 + rnm

day 6: 24 April 2021 + rnm

day 7: 25 April 2021 + rnm

sequel to only have my heart to spend

5+1 malex dates

#1 – June 4th + rnm

#2 – June 5th + rnm

#3 – June 6th + rnm

34 + fluff + tarlos

39 + tarlos + hurt/comfort

malex + a breathy demand

25 + fluffy + 911ls

2 + tarlos + hurt/comfort

1 + tarlos

you will be found

temporary love

every word i say

love like this

dynamite

can’t help falling in love

all of me

collide

can i be him

never stop

the mess i made

wildfire

home

save me

welcome to wherever you are

i want us

alice

beg, steal, borrow

endlessly

in a world like this

i don’t think i know enough people who haven’t done this yet to tag with so many WIPs, so please feel free to do it if you want to and say i tagged you! anyway i’m tagging @meloingly @mansikkaomenabanaani @laelipoo @immortalstrand @trkstrnd @silvarafael @marjansmarwani @djdangerlove

[boxedblondes]

killing eve fic recs

since we’re all yearning HARD after the s3 finale, i thought i’d share some of my personal favorite ke fics (in alphabetical order by author) to maybe, possibly, help fill the void until season 4!

we tried the world; good god, it wasn’t for us by agentpolastri (@topeve)

rating: G

warnings: major character death

summary: They jumped together. When do they not?

↳ i never ever ever read fics with a major character death warning, but mei is just such a fantastic writer i had to give it a try. this fic is SO exquisitely beautiful and heartbreaking. i’ve read it several times and it never fails to punch me square in the chest. i don’t have enough words to express how much i love this piece.

i don’t have a choice (but i’d still choose you) by agentpolastri (@topeve)

rating: T

warnings: major character death

summary: It’s the ending they didn’t want, but knew was coming anyways.

↳ well....... she did it to me again. idk what else to say about this except the line “she feels like a sunset.” makes me craaaaaazy

(if you need something a little happier after these fics, i could be your excuse for a lover is also wonderful)

this is what you wanted by dollsome (@dollsome-does-tumblr)

rating: T

warnings: none

summary: Villanelle goes to Alaska. Set after the season two finale.

↳ essentially v goes to alaska and absolutely hates it. a creative, funny, and lighthearted take on what could have happened post-s2.

you know i'm such a fool for you by dollsome (@dollsome-does-tumblr​)

rating: T

warnings: none

summary: Eve waits. Villanelle hallucinates. Set after 2x02.

↳ this was one of the first KE fics i ever read, so it holds a special little place in my heart. short, sweet, and very, very gentle.

Tell Me by dollsome (@dollsome-does-tumblr)

rating: T

warnings: none

summary: Eve and Villanelle catch up on what they've missed. Set right after 3.08.

↳ essentially, the girls FINALLY have a conversation about everything they haven’t talked about. a soft, cathartic little fic to fill the post-finale hole in all of our hearts.

touch and go by etymology

rating: not rated

warnings: none

summary: “Why are you in my hotel room at 3 a.m.,” says Eve. “I could not sleep,” says Villanelle, shrugging. Eve narrows her eyes. “Are you kidding me.”(Or, the one where Eve keeps hiding Villanelle from the authorities.)

↳ also one of the first KE fics i ever read. this one is short, soft, and gets their dynamic just perfect.

there are no rules when you show up here by glitteration

rating: E

warnings: sex stuff, dubious consent (kind of), ambiguously violent ending

summary: this is why we can't have nice things, darling. (eve goes ahead and hops out of the frying pan only to launch herself straight into the fire. post-s1 fic, told entirely through phone calls. working title in my gdocs was "the one with all the problematic phone sex")

↳ there is a lot of phone sex in this which, although problematic, is also very hot. the characterization in this fic is so on-point, and the dialogue is both funny and believable – which is often a delicate balance.

your body hurts me as the world hurts god by GucciAspirin

rating: M

warnings: sex stuff

summary: "I think of you when I look at the sky. I think about how we share it with so many other people - when it was clearly meant for just the two of us." // Villanelle wants closure

↳ another entry into the collection of lovely, sexy villaneve fics. this one also deals with the aftermath of the s1 finale.

tie me to your longing, I'll tie you down to mine by nextgreatadventure (@next-great-adventure)

rating: M

warnings: sex stuff

summary: These are all things Villanelle remembers. She doesn’t know if any of it meant love, but surely it meant something. It was not nothing.

↳ my comment on ao3 for this fic is: “I’m officially quitting my fic writing career because this is THE best villaneve fic out there, goodbye. :’)” and i think that’s all i need to say.

this dark world is precious to me by nextgreatadventure (@next-great-adventure)

rating: M 

warnings: sex stuff

summary: Eve dreams of so many things after Rome.

↳ this is the kind of fic that leaves you wanting more once you’ve finished reading it. it is sexy and complex and extremely well-written. i’ve reread it so many times in the past year and it’s just as good every time. 

If at last we be true by pengukat

rating: E

warnings: sex stuff

summary: My contribution to the "Eve doesn't stab Villanelle, they bone instead" repertory of works.

↳ i am.... suddenly realizing how many of the fics on this list are explicit. anyway, this one is perhaps the best sexytime villaneve fic of them all.

two wills (one mirror holding us dearer now) by poiesis (@weirddyke)

rating: E

warnings: sex stuff

summary: "I don’t want to be around you. / I don’t want to drink you in. / I want to walk into the heart of you / And never walk back out." Nico Alvarado, 'Tim Riggins Speaks of Waterfalls' – post-series, eve waits for the inevitable

↳ idk what to say about this. sometime after the s1 finale, v breaks into eve’s house (again) and they finally give into their mutual sexual attraction. it’s both hot and incredibly well-written – aka the best kind of fic.

of villages, and other places that villanelle would like to burn to the ground by silent_h (@yesokayiknow)

rating: T

warnings: canon-typical violence/death, animal death summary: canon divergence au, of course (but maybe not in the place that you were expecting)

↳ after the s1 finale, eve and v go on the run and “accidentally” take irina along for the ride. this fic is written in second person pov, and the stream-of-consciousness style is just gorgeous.

feedback loop by silent_h (@yesokayiknow​)

rating: T

warnings: none

summary: (season 2 episode 2 spoilers) the person you have called is not available. please try again.

↳ a lovely, dreamy look into eve’s mental state after 2x02. second person pov again!!!!

One Hundred Minutes of Normality by variousflumps

rating: M

warnings: none

summary: In which Eve and Oksana watch a movie. Finding Nemo, to be precise. "For the next" – Eve checks the back of the DVD case – "one hundred minutes you and I are going to pretend that the following things are true. One, neither of us is a psychopath. Two, we both strongly disapprove of murder. Three, I never stabbed you, four, you're not even thinking about stabbing me back, and five, we're dating and have a perfectly normal, healthy relationship. I need one hundred minutes of normality or my entire head is going to explode. Do you want popcorn?"

↳ THEY FINALLY WATCH A MOVIE!! (but they mostly ignore it in favor of having the world’s most chaotic get-to-know-you conversation.) funny, sexy, and incredibly full of life.

and of course! what’s a reclist without some self-promo. my own KE fics can be found right here. comments and feedback are ofc always appreciated ♥️

[moonlight-at-dawn]

Glaive!Noct sent to protect Luna fic, scene 1, first draft

[GDoc Link]

Noctis double-checked his provision list against his packs, then checked again. He was ready to set out for his mission in the morning. Looking around his small room, he was grateful that he at least had quarters within the Citadel, so he didn't have to worry about leaving his apartment for an extended time. His father had cautioned against getting too involved in the Citadel, lest he accidentally stumble over a line set in blood and stone some two millenia ago. Now with this mission, he wondered if this were the sort of thing Regis had been worried about.

To be the guard of the Oracle's heir as she takes her first solo healing journey around the world. It was a big responsibility, and one that he couldn't believe had been entrusted to him. It wasn't a matter of his skill, but the politics. His ancestor had accidentally killed the first Oracle when trying to slay his own brother. His intent was a matter of debatable morality, given the Starscourge which still plagued the land, but the outcome was undeniable. Some thought that his family line should die out, but it had persisted stubbornly, and with the cautious support of the lineage that had taken over rule of Lucis in his family's stead.

It was that support that now had him on such a high profile mission. He shouldn't have made friends with the prince, that was the problem. But what was done was done, and he had to deal with it. He had to protect Lady Lunafreya no matter what, or he and his father may well be executed. That hadn't been said, of course, and perhaps he was being paranoid, but he had grown up in the slums because of what someone some 70 generations back had done, so he didn't find the fear irrational at all. Even if they weren't executed as part of a legal response to failure, the common people of all the world would surely hold them accountable.

"How many months of this stress will I have?" he muttered, glowering at his packs. A knock at his door made him jump, and he eyed the doorknob suspiciously, knowing his voice had been too low, but wondering if the person on the other side had heard his grumbling anyways. Shaking his head, he took the single step to open the door, and immediately put fist over heart, bowing, "Highness."

Prince Gladiolus snorted and gave him a friendly thump on the shoulder with a large and powerful hand. "What's the glum look for, Noct?" Noctis responded with a raised brow and a bemused expression. Laughing, Gladio strode past him and shut the door, and suddenly the room became crowded. It really wasn't meant for more than one person, especially not if the second person was as large as Gladio. His presence was as powerful as his body. "Look at it this way. You'll be spending months and months alone with a beautiful lady."

"Oh, yes," Noct responded with sarcasm, sitting on the corner of his bed so he could see Gladio on the one lone chair. "The world's least eligible bachelor traveling alone with the world's most beloved woman. I already see myself being threatened everywhere we go. How am I going to protect her when people hate me so much? I'll bring trouble to her!"

Gladio rolled his eyes and tossed something wrapped in cloth his way. "You give yourself too much credit. Most people don't know who the hell you are, and they don't give a shit. It's just 'cause you live in the capital that it's a problem. Getting out of the city will do you and that complex of yours some good."

Unfolding the cloth, Noct raised a brow at the pair of daggers inside. They were marked heavily with magic runes, and when he unsheathed them, he saw the material was of the type that daemons hated the most. He nodded in approval at them and looked up to Gladio. "A gift for the lady, or for me?"

"You. You never did get a decent set of daemon killing gear like I told you, did you?" The sheepish look was all the answer he needed. "Right. Well, take that. And, this," Gladio reached into his coat's inner pocket and drew out folded parchment.

The seal on it glowed with faint magic, and Noct looked it over. Official documents on such a mission weren't such a shock to hold, but still, it was his first time, and he couldn't help but to marvel at it. Of course, technically speaking, the magic involved was his own, from his family line, borrowed with the Ring and Crystal. It was the reason his family never left the capital, in spite of everything they faced. "What's this?"

"Open it up and read it."

That part was a surprise. He expected the orders to be something he had to hand to someone, like Lady Sylva. Not something for his own eyes. Opening it up, he browsed the words, and went pale when he finished. "I can't," he whispered.

"Well, you don't have to. But, shouldn't you be happy? Of all the Glaives, you're the only one who hasn't been allowed the magic, even though you're the only one who doesn't need to be connected to it."

"Yeah, but, that's because, it's different, when it's us," he stammered, looking up from the decree. "If I use magic, it'll be immediately obvious, who I am."

Gladio shook his head and stood up, slapping his friend's shoulder and then urging him towards the door. "Nonsense. People really don't know their lore that well. Now, c'mon. Ignis wants to see you before you leave."

"What about Prompto?"

"Gate duty, but he's your transport out tomorrow, so you'll get your goodbyes."

Noct nodded and grunted a soft understanding from his position a few respectful paces behind Gladio as they walked the halls. They didn't speak much when others were about. It wasn't unusual for his lineage to tag along behind the royalty, but the friendships happened behind doors. It didn't do for it to be public, even if everyone knew anyways. The charade was important. None of that made it easier to bear the scowls that focused on him the moment Gladio stepped past a bowing guard. Traditionally, the Caelums didn't join the glaives. They weren't explicitly barred from it however, and Noct had defied traditions when he had joined.

Gladio led him to Ignis' suite in the Citadel. Their friend was positioned to become Gladio's advisor upon his succession to the throne. The Scientias had served in the Citadel for a few hundred years now, and Ignis was the first to attain such a high position. He was incredibly intelligent and diligent, and Noctis couldn't understand how instead of advising Gladio against the friendship with Noct, he had instead taken to mothering Noct even more than he did his own prince. For all that Noct frequently complained about being held responsible for his ancestor's actions, he found it hard to believe when others actually agreed.

Not bothering to knock once they arrived at the right door, Gladio simply opened it up and let out the wonderful scents coming from the kitchen within. It seemed Ignis had prepared a going away dinner, and Noct wasn't about to complain about that, all his feelings of unworthiness vanishing immediately. Perhaps they should have been stronger then, but there was something in the overbearing way that Ignis cared for his friends that made it impossible to keep them up, at least in the moment. Gladio grinned as they stepped around the corner and into view of the kitchen and dining area.

"Damn Ig, you've outdone yourself," Gladio approved, picking up a bottle of beer and looking it over with a raised brow before popping off the cap with a summoned dagger instead of the tool set right on the counter for it. Ignis sighed with obvious exasperation at the show, but smiled at the compliment all the same.

Noct used the tool to open his, noting that it was one of the craft beers he preferred, rather than the simple cheap beer that the prince was more than happy to have. The jokes that it was obvious Noct was the one descended from a truly royal line because his tastes were so expensive hurt more than he let on, but they seemed absent that night, for which he was grateful. Peering over the counter, he tried to guess what Ignis was putting together, and realized there were far more things going on than he expected. He could at least determine the main course was an Insomnian style curry, the dark, sweet, and slightly spicy kind. Perhaps some of his tastes were rich, but when it came to food, he felt you just couldn't beat a large comfort meal of cheap cuts of meat and rice drenched in a flavorful sauce.

"Oh man, I'm starving," Noct's stomach rumbled as he spoke, and he looked ready to drool.

Gladio laughed and Ignis shooed him back to the table with a smug grin. "Well, you are here to eat, so it's a good thing you're hungry. Now go take a seat, this will be ready soon."

Noct let Gladio grab his shoulder and steer him to the table, and they took a seat, hesitating just a moment before pulling out their phones and loading up the game they all played together. "Hey Ignis," Noct called, thinking of something, "Y'think I'll have internet service on the other continent?"

"Doubtful. Perhaps in Gralea you would, but their technology is different from ours, so it may not be compatible."

"That's what I was afraid of," Noct grumbled, and Gladio laughed at the pout in his voice. "Guess I'll be giving Prompto my account while I'm gone. Don't let him do anything stupid."

"If you are worried he'll mess up your account, then perhaps you should give it to someone else."

Noct didn't reply, just frowned as he was taken more seriously than he had meant it. He knew his friend wouldn't do anything bad to his account, but he was sure to joke like he would. Sighing, he shook his head and looked over his phone at Gladio's smug expression. "What's that look for?"

Gladio turned his phone to display the new rare hero he had just drawn. Noct sat up and sputtered, indignant, and that just drew forth laughter. "Let me train her up then let's do a match. I want to see how she holds up."

"Fine," Noct muttered, pretending to be upset. He had wanted that hero, but he did have another one that would fight well against her, that Gladio didn't yet know he had pulled.

As they played, Ignis set out a tofu soup to start with, and Noct grinned at the sweet chili paste nearby, dumping perhaps a bit too much of it into his bowl before covering it with rice and mixing it all together.

“Save some room for the main dish.”

“Oh, I’ve got room,” Noct assured Gladio with a grin.

“Where do you fit it all?”

“It goes to my muscles.”

“What muscles?”

“The ones I used to kick your ass last week,” Noct smirked. Gladio was still smarting over that loss, and he grew sullen at the reminder.

Ignis interrupted the brotherly bickering, setting another dish in the center of the table, this one a plate of dumplings filled with pork and spicy, pickled cabbage. Noct’s stomach rumbled again, and he pushed his half finished soup aside to attack the dumplings. “I’m gonna miss the hell out of this. ...Oh god, the lady and I are going to be responsible for our own cooking half the time, won’t we? Ignis, any advice?”

“If her cooking skills are similar to your own, I suggest you invest in a stockpile of camp-ready meals.”

“Harsh,” Gladio laughed.

Noct pouted, knowing he wasn’t really that bad. “Igniiis,” he whined, looking to the man.

“I’m not sure what you want me to tell you,” was the reply. Ignis rejoined them, setting down the main dish and taking his own seat at last. “You know how to cook. You have a basic idea of how to compose a reasonably flavored meal. I’m not sure what kind of advice you want to hear.”

“I don’t know…,” Noct floundered. “But, well, you always manage to come up with meals from random ingredients, and we’ll probably travel light, so…?”

“So…?” Ignis asked, brow raised. Noct just stared at him, hopeful. Letting out an exasperated sigh, Ignis leaned back and adjusted his glasses as they slid down his nose. “Learn the local food you can forage, and you’ll be able to add more flavors to your stock provisions. That alone should help with variety. And hunting, for fresh meat.”

“And fishing,” Noct suddenly said, dreamy eyed.

Gladio burst out laughing, “You better not gross Lady Lunafreya out with your fishing! You stink when you’ve been at it too long.”

“She shouldn’t mind the extra food,” Noct huffed.

“I agree,” Ignis nodded, and he motioned towards a small dish that sat untouched near Noct. “Put that in your curry.”

“Ignis, it’s a vegetable.”

“Vegetables are good for you. Now, mix it in. Pickled radish is sweet, anyway. You’ll be fine.”

“If you say so,” Noct grumbled, adding one small piece of the bright red vegetable strips to his curry.

“Make sure you don’t get the scurvy out there.”

“The scurvy?” Noct asked Gladio, snorting with laughter. “I’ll be fine. I passed all my health examinations, didn’t I?”

Ignis sighed heavily and shook his head, lamenting. “Only because of our painstaking efforts. Take better care of yourself, Noctis. No one will be looking out for you there.”

Noct bristled, but he fought back the impulse to snap back. Ignis was right, after all, and Noct’s habits did have a way of inspiring concern. Taking in a breath, he met Ignis’ eyes and nodded solemnly. “I will. I’ll be looking out for the lady, and we’ll be sharing meals, so that means looking after myself, right?”

“I suppose that will do,” Ignis agreed, returning the nod.

“You should probably get used to saying her name,” Gladio added, taking a swig of beer. “You can’t keep calling her ‘the lady.’”

Noct flushed slightly and glanced away. He knew that, but if Gladio ever found out about the little crush he’d harbored for the popular woman for years, he’d never hear the end of it. The prince meant well, and indeed he was one of Noct’s best friends and like a brother. Sometimes that ‘like a brother’ part could be a pain. “I’m not planning on insulting her.”

“I should hope not,” Gladio laughed. “You’ll be our representative, after all. You represent me, and Father, and all of Lucis when you’re with her. Do us proud.”

“No pressure,” Noct mumbled wryly.

“Oh, I do believe there is quite a lot of pressure. No one ever tried to pretend otherwise.” Ignis smiled even as he delivered that rather brutal blow. “But you can handle it, Noct. We give you a hard time because we want you to be your best. You’re good, you deserve this chance, and you will do us all proud.”

Noct flushed again, unused to the praise. His chest welled with warmth and pride though, even as he was embarrassed. Gladio nodded and chimed in, seeing the way Noct hung his head a bit and ducked away from the approval. “Ignis is right. I’m being too harsh. It’s the night before you head out, I shouldn’t be stressing you out more. You’ve got this, Noct. You’ve worked hard to prove this point, and I know you’ll be great out there.”

Having the royal approval, having Gladio speak honestly, it helped immensely. He picked up his chin with a hint of that Caelum pride and managed something of a smirk. “Thanks, guys. I won’t let you down.”

[celesticidal]

reel around the fountain [khr]

So I got a comment on this ancient fic from a long-dead fandom and it made me remember that I have an entire gdoc setup on my old google account with unfinished things from like ... 2011-ish.  And so I went digging and found this ancient Yamamoto drabble collection I’d plunked around on for a while.  There is D80 bang, and murder, and 2nd person POV because I will always have a soft spot for it.  I think it was supposed to be 8059 ultimately, but shh.

Anyway, here’s wonderwall basically.  Paging @jessichistic because fuck yeah, khr dorks.  Last edit date: August 15, 2011.  Jeez.

one. (then I could remember to breathe)

See, you were a normal kid, with normal, unextraordinary dreams.  Sure, some of your classmates wanted to be JDF heroes, and some wanted to whaler captains, and some wanted to be rock stars, and you certainly weren't the only kid that wanted to play in the big leagues.

The only remarkable thing was the fact that everyone thought you had a chance.

You remember those days, curled up on one end of the sofa while your father sipped Kirin, lazy and content and you'd talk about the shop or baseball or classes during commercial breaks.  (He was rarely straight-forward enough to tell you how proud he was, or how much he believed in you, but he never needed to, did he?  The way his eyes shone every time he said your name was enough.  When he mentioned his boy to a customer or to your friends.  When he handed you Shigure Kintoki.  It was always more than enough.)

That day, standing high above Namimori -- the first and only time you ever cursed your luck and your fragile body, you'd known your life was over.  There had only been space for one great love inside you, and you'd never learned to say goodbye.  You'd never needed to before.

You'd never needed to accustom yourself to betrayal either, much less betrayal when the traitor was inside your bones.

It was never that you were melodramatic, only that you you simply couldn't imagine a life without that love that you knew kept your heart beating.

And then there was Tsuna. Weird, scrawny, no-good Tsuna, wild and frightened and reaching out to you despite that, the strangest lifeline, glittering and golden in the sunlight.  It was a whole new feeling, just enough to give you pause, a moment to reconsider.  You weren't familiar with this sort of gesture, either.  It was usually you with a hand outstretched -- you'd simply never needed it.  You wondered, then, what it must be like to have a difficult life --

-- and you knew the entire thing was laughable.  Bones break, hearts break, but only the most hopeless break with them.

Not people like Tsuna.

Not people, you decided, like you.

.

two. (you could change my world.)

It's been a year since you all came back from that terrifying future.  Your head has hurt for weeks as your life shifts around, memories of that time slipping away like waking dreams, gauzy and vague, just beyond your reach.

It's left a mark on each of you, left you wiser, harder, more willing to believe in the things that you hear will carve places in your life.  Stronger, no matter how often Squalo insists otherwise.

If you return from missions and nervous green eyes survey your face just a little too quickly before finding something to complain about, what's it to you?

And if, in those quiet moments, you remember the sensation of silver-sheathed fingers where once only your own had been, what is there to say?

.

three. (allow this year before the world starts to end.)

When you were twelve, there was a grey tabby tomcat that lived in the alley behind your father's shop.  Mangy and skinny beyond belief, you'd taken to it immediately, stopping each morning to leave out gifts; a can of tuna, a saucer of milk, a handful tuna skin left over from the sushi party the night before.

It seemed obvious the tattered old tom was unused to affection.  He hid in the shadows and hissed each time you left your offerings, but they were always gone by the time you returned, cans and dishes licked clean and scattered across the concrete like afterthoughts.

.

four. (born and raised for the job.)

There's a hand on your shoulder, but your eyes are locked on the obscene slash of blood across your knuckles, your nose stinging from the acrid stench of gunpowder, your ears ringing in the aftermath of the shot.

You have fought men before.  You have faced and toppled toppled impossible foes.  You have injured, you have dealt grievous wounds on your opponents ... you have defeated, but you have never killed.

It's two fifteen a.m; you are crouched in the shadows of an alley in Palermo, just streets away from the storied Vucciria.  It's strange, you think, that now the gunpowder reek has lessened you can clearly sense the phantom odors of strawberries and tomatoes and swordfish, as if centuries of market smells have somehow permeated the walls of this grand, ancient city.

You are half-way through the summer of your seventeenth year, and you have been shepherded here to this strange foreign country to commit your first murder.  The corpse sprawled across the worn cobblestones was once a terrible man, a known trafficker in children for brothels across the sea, who runs a sideline business selling quinine-cut heroin to the city's most vulnerable.  

His death will affect hundreds of lives -- if not thousands -- for the better.  Cavallone assured of you of that much with a murmur and a brush of a fur at your wrist as he pressed the Beretta into your hand. Softly.  Quietly.  Solemnly.  

As if you needed assurance at all.

Fingers dig against the black wool of your jacket, and even when you stand Hibari's hand is a heavy weight, a silent caution -- you can't remember the last time he touched you voluntarily outside of a spar, and for the first time this evening you feel the faintest hint of apprehension.

"Be careful," he breathes, the words little more than a puff of air against your cheek.   You lift your eyes and study the car that brought you here, the way Cavallone watches you like he's waiting for the street to swallow you whole, the glint in Reborn's eye as he tugs his fedora lower.  Oh, you can smell the danger here, as sharp and terrible as the blood and shit stench of the corpse at your feet, and you feel a faint tug at the corner of your mouth.  The moment of uncertainty passes, though you feel touched at even the idea of his concern.

So uncharacteristic of him.

"Hesitate, herbivore.  Or they'll--"  It's a snarl now, and this time you look at him, really look at him, and something in your face forces his mouth closed, compels his silence.  That glare is replaced, edged with a certain new sharpness now, and it seems somehow sad.  It is the wary respect of a hunter recognizing another for the first time.

So unnecessary.

You know.

This may be your first murder, but you know there's a reason why Disney never made cute movies about the mafia.  You've known, since that very first time you drew your sword against another human being, when a boy your age with an animal's face tried to take your life.  You heard the baby, didn't you, when you stood in defense of the ring you'd been given?

Since the day Tsuna saved your life, your life has been one inexorable march forward, each step matching the shadow of an impossible infant with an equally impossible mission, the conclusion as unremarkable as it is inevitable.

There will be a next time.  And a next.  Outside of Sawada's sight, the family has molded you into ... this.

You close your eyes and offer him a smile as you step away, bending to pick up the bullet casing before you return to the car, where Cavallone accepts the gun, butt-first, in silence.  For the time you are grateful that he offers no platitudes, no scripted words of comfort or congratulations, no arm-around-the-shoulder, welcome-to-the-club sort of camaraderie.  He moves aside, and you take a moment to wipe the blood away before you climb inside.

You may not yet be the perfect assassin Reborn prophesied.

There's still time, yet.

.

five. (and lead me through babylon.)

You didn't think it would be anything like this.  In all those never-quite-remembered dreams, lazy and lucid and teasing, it wasn't golden hair slipping through your fingers, wasn't you with your back pressed against the cool stone wall of a vast Italian mansion, wasn't this man's fingers tugging aside your tie, slender fingers scrabbling over your collarbones and beneath the fabric of your shirt.  The mouth you half-remember didn't taste like cinnamon and sugar at all.

The way he watches you, narrow-eyed and sympathetic, feels like he might know that too.

It's not enough for either of you to say anything, and so you let your doubts sink beneath the surface of your thoughts, offering yourself as you have in so many other things.  And it's fine, really -- you trust him as you trust few others.  It feels like he's been there, watching, the entire time; it's his hand that's guided you through the darkest corridors of your new life, and why not this, too?

In those dreams it was all smooth skin and shared breaths, quiet and intimate, and so you find yourself surprised by the intensity of the real thing, the spicy scent of aftershave and Frangelico, the sudden heat of breath against your ribs, the surprised grunt when he smacks his hand against his desk.  It's loud and strange and the fact that he doesn't seem remotely bothered by it only seems to make you more nervous.  But it's good, too -- different but maybe better, you think, as you're tugged close, held tight against a body all hard curves and secret hollows and he's laughing, teaching, encouraging even now, even as he's unraveling you piece by piece.

Hold on, he says, and you do.

That night you dream of green eyes, disappointed, accusing.  

You have trouble sleeping for a week.

[hyperbolicpurple]

Jon/Sansa #7 things you said while we were driving? THANK YOU! :)

part 1/? of a road trip thingy I’ve had in my gdocs since … October:

Sansa had spent several hours baking in the heat, but she didn’t look nearly so bad as Jon did five minutes after he pulled up to the curb. He tugged at his shirt collar, which was already damp, and as they loaded her things into his pickup, she noticed the sweat beading at his temples.

“Is that it?” he asked after the last bag was packed away. There was still room for more. The observation stung, even if she knew it shouldn’t. Jon came all the way from Queenscrown to get you, she reminded herself.

“That’s all,” she said brightly, choosing not to take his remark as a jab. Jon wasn’t like that anyway; he didn’t make fun of people. Or at least he hadn’t been that kind of person the last time she saw him, which was at least five years ago, before the big move.

He had changed in other ways, though. He was broader in the shoulders than she remembered, and maturity had transformed a teenager’s angry sullenness into a man’s unassuming solemnity.

“What?” He’d caught her staring.

Sansa covered by pointing to his hair, which was pulled back into a knot. “I never thought I’d see the day, Jon Snow being fashionable.”

Jon touched his head, as if he didn’t realize what she was talking about at first, and then the shadow of a smile tugged at his lips. “Is it? I wouldn’t know, I only started wearing it this way for work.”

A lock plastered itself to his damp temple, and she took pity on him. “Well, come in, before you fry on the sidewalk.”

He trailed her into the coffee shop, which was practically pitch-dark compared to the blazing sun outside.

“About time you came in,” greeted Mya from the counter, which she was scrubbing down with a rag. Then Mya’s eyes alighted on Jon. “Why, hello there.”

“Jon, meet Mya,” Sansa said. “I used to work here. Until yesterday. And Jon’s my cousin.” Cousin by marriage, technically. Or step-cousin. Something like that, not that it mattered. She’d hoped it would be family connection enough to convince Jon to run all the way down here for her and take her back home, and it had. A fact she still couldn’t quite believe, even though the proof was right in front of her eyes.

“Whatever you want is on the house,” Mya told him. He ordered something plain and boring, and Sansa got a mint chocolate frappe, and they absconded to a booth in the corner, following Mya’s promise to collect the last of Sansa’s tips and bring them out.

“So did you see Arya and them?” she asked, breaking the silence.

He blinked, and a fond smile broke out. “Yeah, I … it was good to see them. Really good.”

Sansa twisted her straw wrapper around her fingers. “You didn’t say anything about me, did you?”

“No. I mean, not to Lysa.” He looked a little abashed. “Arya doesn’t really know why you left, you know–she asked me–and Bran was really squirrelly about it when I asked him what happened.”

She thought of Petyr’s delicate fingertips at her waist and bit back a shudder. Instead she wrapped her arms around herself. “That’s for the better, probably.”

She hadn’t told Jon, either, and though she could tell he was curious, he was polite enough not to press.

“Thanks, Mya,” she said when their drinks arrived, alongside a little envelope marked with her name. The A’s were hearts. “Oh, that’s sweet.” Then she spotted the dirty sketch next to it. “That, not so much.”

Mya laughed. “That’s Randa’s goodbye gift. She sends her regards.”

“What is it?” Jon asked when they were alone again.

Flushing, she flipped the envelope around so he could see Randa’s crude drawing. He colored slightly, but he chuckled.

“Fashionable hair and laughing at dirty jokes,” she mused. “You really have changed, Jon Snow.”

“Seems like you have, too.” His look was more considering.

Super-seriousness was not on Sansa’s agenda, so she changed the subject. “So what does the trip back look like? How long is the drive?”

He drummed his fingers on the table. “That’s up to you, I guess.”

“You’re the one taking off work.”

He shrugged. “I took two weeks’ vacation. We can do whatever you want.”

He’d offered a little road trip on the way back, but she hadn’t taken him seriously. Apparently he’d meant it. What were they going to do with two whole weeks? How many Westeros’s Largest Rubber Band Balls could there be?

“Can you afford that?” she asked.

“I’m not swimming in money, but I’ve got some savings.” His cheek dimpled in a half-smile. “It might not be the lap of luxury you’re used to, though.”

“That’s not important to me,” she said, pricked.

A frown pinched his face. “I didn’t mean … Sorry.”

It was awkward again, as awkward as it had ever been between them as kids. In her heart she knew he wasn’t singling her out. But it had been Sansa who had pleaded the hardest to move south and as a result leave him behind, even though her father had cared for him like he was really part of the family.

She didn’t know how to apologize for all of that, or if he would even want to hear it, so she only said, “So what did you have in mind?”

He pulled out a map–an honest-to-gods paper map of the seven kingdoms, how analog–and spread it over the table between them.

“Do you have any places you want to see? Or people you want to visit?” she asked.

Jon shook his head.

Really? she thought, eyeing him more closely. It was his suggestion, and he didn’t have any ideas?

“Well … do you mind if I–?” She waved around a marker that belonged to the coffeeshop, one they used to mark the paper cups.

“Go right ahead.”

She marked an X over the Bloody Gate. “Here’s where we are now. We could do a circuit?” She demonstrated, waving the marker over the coast of Westeros clockwise, until she reached the North. “We’d see all seven kingdoms that way.”

Something in that appealed to her, being a woman who had seen the world. Or the continent, at least. Like Margaery. Though Sansa wasn’t sure she wanted to be very much like Marg anymore. Then again, Marg would have known what to do about Petyr, at least.

She didn’t really want to think about either of them, though. “Well, six kingdoms, anyway, unless we want to go to the Iron Islands. But that’s really eight regions. Why do we still call them the seven kingdoms when there’s nine of them?”

“Tradition?” suggested Jon. He leaned forward, resting his forearms on the table and rubbing a hand across his chin. His gray eyes scanned the map, tracking the trail she’d laid out. “Sounds good to me.”

She took his moment of concentration to study him a little more. Pulling his brown hair back made his features look leaner, sharper. Not handsome, exactly, but certainly more striking than when they had been young.

But he looked tired, too, with lines around his eyes and the kind of purple shadows beneath that accompanied lack of sleep. There was a kind of resolute stubbornness behind every blink and shift, though, as if he was determined to power through it without complaint or even acknowledgement.

“Do you think we can do it in two weeks?” she asked, taking a sip of her frappe.

His head jerked up, and then his gaze was trained on her in all its startling, stormy intensity.

He shrugged, then expelled a short laugh she didn’t see the meaning of. “Maybe. If not, I’ll take more time. I never did use any of my vacation time.” Then his amusement disappeared, leaving Sansa to wonder if she’d imagined it.

“Then we’ll make sure to do everything we can,” she promised, folding up the map.

* * *

She hugged Mya good-bye, and in the blazing afternoon sun, eighteen dollars of tips in hand, she and Jon climbed up into the cab of his truck. It’s really starting, Sansa thought, though she wasn’t even sure what “it” really was yet.

“Where to first?” Jon asked, starting the engine. “King’s Landing is the next big city south—do you want to stop there?”

Sansa’s throat went dry, and she was glad her face was turned away as she reached for her seatbelt.

“King’s Landing is just an ugly tourist trap. And it smells awful during the summer.” Her voice didn’t quaver, thankfully.

Jon laughed. “So that’s a no?”

“Did you really want to see the capital?” She held her breath.

“Can’t say I did.” He sounded uncaring as they pulled out of the parking space.

For someone who suggested this trip in the first place, he didn’t seem to care about much of anything, she thought again, though she couldn’t exactly bring herself to mind, given the convenience.

I have my own secrets, she decided. He can have his, too.