#anyways i’m gonna go smoke weed abt this and then i’ll feel better

[muteflames]

my cousin, who is a year and a half ish younger than me is moving out of state to go to school, his dad is going to pay for both the school and an apartment for my cousin and his gf to live in and will be providing him w a monthly allowance for groceries. my mom just asked me why he’s moving out and i’m not, and why he’s going to school and i’m not!!! i literally can’t afford it and she is the biggest reason why!!!!!

[alwastakenofc]

RANT INCOMING.

WOWIE ZOWIE it’s a good thing that tumblr keeps u logged in for FOREVER bc i would NOT have remembered that this was my username LMFAOOOO.

anyways !!! i’m just here to rant now to see if it’ll still help me like it used to. just scrolled thru all my personal tagged posts and MAN was i going thru it from 2013-2016 LOL. im glad life is better now. different, but better. me and that guy that i posted abt a lot and would rant abt how he was hanging with that girl all the time broke up in 2016 THANK GOD, that was a sick and toxic and abusive relationship that went way longer than it needed to. i moved back home with my parents and got a few years with both of them before they passed away from different circumstances (fuck alcoholism and fuck cancer). now i live with my roomie/friend and she evicted the other roomie we had that was Toxic As Fuck and a literal Man Child so WAHOO! it’s been nice.

i’m going back to college this year i think, and im both so excited and also Terrified to finish. i only have 1-2 semesters left and then i gotta go get an actual CAREER.

being famous never took off, as expected LMFAO. i don’t stream to get popular anymore, it’s just a genuine hobby i enjoy that gives me an excuse to keep playing video games and having fun. but i don’t mind not having a genuine job off of it anymore; probably should’ve attempted streaming when i was posting abt it so much a decade ago, Honestly Probably Would have taken off a bit more and actually had a chance to make money off it BUT alas, i was too lazy and worried abt public perceptions lmfao

i still have that worry abt public perception especially since i now identify as non-binary (she/they). i wish to be perceived as an amorphous blob that moseys through life, ya know? i only keep the “she/her” pronouns bc a) i’m not fully out to Everyone, and b) i just know some ppl are more used to it and i Do Not mind. i would honestly probably say i don’t prefer ANY pronouns, call me he/she/they i just do Not care, but finding ppl that would reference me as “he” while being respectful just is daunting to think abt and i do not care enough, just call me whatever. but don’t perceive me as a woman exclusively ya know LOL. i don’t identify as a woman or man, i have more feminine days and more masculine days but calling myself a woman sincerely just feels … icky and weird LOL idk like i said. AMORPHOUS BLOB SQUAD, RISE! idk how else to explain it LMAO

also discovered asexuality is a thing like 6-7 years ago which has been LIFE CHANGING !! being told you are broken by ur partner for years, being made to feel like something is Wrong with you because you don’t get why everyone is All About Sex and why tf everyone actually Enjoys Sex…. MANNNNN when i discovered asexuality i don’t think ive ever had a moment in my life where i just said “oh my GOD. it’s ME. i GET MYSELF NOW.” (until i fully understood and embraced being nb about 2 years later lmao). idk i just feel so much more confident in myself and it’s great.

hmmmm what else… i guess i had a stint of struggling with alcohol and weed, but have managed to cut it back. currently on week 2 of no smoking, gonna go a couple more weeks then maybe i’ll buy a pen and edibles. NO MORE DABS! wax just Annihilated my tolerance and not even smoking 3 full joints or eating 250mg of edibles could get me high. it was BAD. but that’s what happens when u do Multiple dabs a day, EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. for 5+ years !! sooooooo that’s a thing too now. i try to Only drink on weekends now (and only 2 weekends per month, instead of Every weekend, is the new goal) and know i can’t trust myself to buy alcohol on a weekday and hold it to the weekend, which honestly Go Me for that self reflection and understanding that my brain doesn’t have the ability to Not drink alcohol/do shots if it’s in my fridge lol. well, not yet at least. maybe in a couple months i’ll be able to put some vodka in my fridge on a tuesday and be able to keep it there til the weekend without touching it, but for now i still don’t fully trust myself.

BUT! i’m trying to be healthy! i did get a treadmill and jump rope and even tho ive been neglecting jumping rope (maybe i will today idk maybe not LOL) i do still try to walk on my treadmill at least every other day!! i did a mile walk today and i was So Sweaty lol it’s crazy how outta shape i am but im hoping that cutting down on weed and alcohol helps with that too overall. i miss having abs. i miss not being flabby. i have awful body dysmorphia already bc of my boobs and getting bigger has made Them bigger too and it just makes me feel Horrified when i see myself in the mirror. or see my stomach, or double chin, or jiggly arms, or WHATEVER. i just need to be healthy again UGH. anyways.

MANNNNNNNNN i’m so scared of college LOL. i’m not double majoring anymore (also not even in art college anymore HELLO lmao, i dropped out of art school and got my associates degree from community college then transferred to a university where i was originally double majoring in International Relations and Japanese)! i just am gonna drop my Japanese major down to a minor so i still at least know Some Japanese. and ill study on my own post graduation (I HOPE!!!!!) and get better. i took a 2 year break when my mom died and its just so Daunting to think of going back LOL

i really, really… REALLY need to get better with procrastination and laziness and being at a standstill/comfortable. like, i KNOW there’s more to life but i just. UGH. idk. it’s so Hard after everything that’s happened these last few years. if i didn’t lose my dad in 2018 then my mom in 2022 i think it would be a lot better. HELL, if i didn’t lose my mom to cancer in 2022 things would be SOOOOOO different!! i would’ve probably graduated with my double major and had a kickass job and my mom would’ve seen me walk the stage UGHHHHHHHH ill never forget how i lit said “you prolly won’t see me get married but you gotta stick around to watch me walk the stage” and she said “WHERE ELSE WOULD I GO????” and IDK I JUST WISH I NEVER JINXED IT UGHHHHH. i have a lot of unaddressed trauma from both my parents’ deaths that im sure therapy would definitely help with but FOR NOW, i just gotta get thru college and see wtf is waiting for me on the other side.

ALLLLLRIGHT well this went on a LOT longer than i expected and …… idk if it helped??? idk if i feel any better after typing it all out but MEHHHHHHH. it’s nice to just throw it all out into the ether and not have a ton of questions or assumptions or embarrassment or shame come from feeling like im taking up space. i think that’s been the biggest thing ive struggled with since my mom died; i can’t even post my random thoughts on twitter anymore bc the anxiety of “well who even cares, who would even care about you saying anything, why would you even post at all? what’s the point?” just gets SO damn overwhelming. ive become a COMPLETE recluse and i haven’t done ANYTHING like this rant in at Least half a decade LOL. so. idk.

typing this all out therapeutic in a way but again, i just feel kinda anxious at the same time and idk if it’s really helped me out overall. bc why does anyone care? what’s the point?… but also WHY do i feel like People Need To Care ?!?! why can’t i just go back to my old mindset where i did not give a single fuck about what i posted bc i just liked throwing my thoughts out for everyone to read?!?! idk. maybe tumblr is gonna be the bridge to help me get better with voicing random mundane thoughts that don’t matter in the long run LOL. bc WHY is that so scary to me, man….

ANYWAYS i’m done okay. wowie. what a rant. PHEW.

hope u enjoyed reading about my last 6-7 years 😎

[okbutramsaybolton]

Glad to be Back - Kai Anderson Smut

Pairing - (kinda) OC Kai Anderson/Reader

Warning - Smut, major lack of proof reading, slight allusion to domestic abuse?

Word Count - 2312

Summary - You’re back in town after a few years and Kai is more than happy to see you

A/N - so my last Kai writing was super popular so I thought I’d do another one (plus I’m v shook abt last nights episode and need to release some Kai). But ya, enjoy and request who/what you want me to write next!

“Winter, please. I really don’t have anywhere else to go. You know my parents, they won’t want-they won’t let me back!” You mumble into your phone. 

“I know y/n, and honestly I’d love for you to stay but there’s just so much shit happening here at the mo-” Your high school best friend, Winter, goes quiet on the phone suddenly. “Hello? Winter? Has the line cut or something?” You say, worried that you’d just lost your last hope. You’d just broken up with your boyfriend, well, your now ex-boyfriend after months of wanting to, but being too scared to. You finally did it, but he kicked you out of your shared apartment and no you had no where to go. You turned to the first person you could think of, Winter. “No, no, it’s fine, I just - anyway, you can stay here, I don’t know why I was even thinking of turning you away! When are you getting here?”

You lived about an hour away from Winter’s, so you grabbed all the clothes and personal items you could while your ex was out, took your car and drove. It was slightly cathartic, driving along the highway, singing your favourite songs. It almost distracted you from the worry and stress of the breakup, of the months of shit you had put up with. You knew the way to Winter’s like the back of your hand. You used to visit her every weekend when you first moved away, but you grew apart a little when you went to college. When you arrived, the streets were eerily quiet. You remembered when kids would play out on their front lawns, whether it was beaming sunshine or pouring rain. ‘What is happening here?’ you asked yourself, while mentally preparing yourself to see your friend for the first time in about a year. You texted each other and called every now and then; you remember how upset she was on the phone on the night of the election.

“You can stay in my room for now. I’ll talk to Kai about getting you your own room. I’m sure he won’t mind.” Winter said with a smile, leading the all too familiar way to her room. It was strange. You hadn’t been here in years, but you still remembered everything about it. Winter made you feel at home, and you settled in quickly. You and Winter were sat on her bed, catching up, when you heard the front door slam. “That’ll be Kai. I’ll go tell him that you’re here now” she said, slinking out of room. You listened lightly to the faint words you could catch of their conversation. “Y/n’s here now, Kai. When are you gonna talk to her?”

“Send her down to me later tonight…” Their conversation became even more faint, you couldn’t even make out what they were saying. Kai sounded different. You hadn’t seen him for years. When you were a teenager, after hitting puberty, you remember him always checking you out when you’d go round to see Winter, and she always used to tease you about it, the two of you finding it hilarious that the guy you saw as your older brother was checking you out. You’d laugh, but secretly you loved it; you used to have the biggest crush on Kai, but looking back, it may have simply been because an older, more mature guy had taken an interest in you, instead of all the immature boys who oggled at you at school. You had all of these fond memories coming back to you, it made you excited to be back. In some respects, Winter and Kai were your family now.

You and Winter were in your pyjamas watching a film in the lounge, you wearing a huge black t-shirt of Kai’s that barely covered your ass that Winter had let you use, since in the rush to leave your apartment you forgot to pack any. You heard someone going down into the basement behind you. You turned to look, and as you did Winter spoke “Kai said he wanted to talk to you, y/n. You should go down to the basement and see him. He was super excited to know you’re back” she grinned, poking you in the ribs. You hit her shoulder playfully and hopped of the sofa and skipped downstairs ti the basement. You remembered coming down here when you and Winter were teenagers to drink spirits you stole from your parents cupboards and smoke weed you’d buy from the high school dealer.

“It looks better on you.” You heard a voice you instantly recognised as Kai’s from hearing him earlier say as you reached the bottom of the basement stairs. You went round the corner to see him sat on the sofa, legs crossed and hands in his lap, a smile plastered on his face. “Thanks” you say, a small smile playing on the corners of you mouth, giving him a little twirl like you were a little girl showing off her new dress. As you span, the shirt lifted up a little more, giving Kai a perfect view of your ass. He groaned internally. You were even more perfect than he remembered. “You look great y/n. How long has it been…three, four years now? God you were 18 when I last saw you”. Your smile dropped “Yeah…I missed you guys you know” you say, looking down at you hands suddenly feeling bad that you hadn’t visited as often as you’d have liked. “We missed you too y/n. We’re really happy to have you back, but don’t feel bad” he said, obviously picking up on you guilt. You decided to change the subject, not wanting this to be a sad moment. “So, blue hair now, huh? It never really was your colour” You say jokingly, winking at him. “Ah, y/n, ever the tease” he says, smiling. He gets up off the sofa and walks over to the wooden table and sits down at it. “Winter said you wanted to talk to me about something?” He beckoned you to join him at the table and almost like a magnet, you were drawn over to sit opposite. He held out his pinky, looking deep into your eyes, silently asking you to wrap yours around his. “Kai, we haven’t done this since we were kids…” you giggled. When you were kids, Kai would always interrogate you and Winter like this by making you pinky promise whenever you were upset about something and he wanted to find out why. He continued looking into your eyes. You rolled your eyes, chuckling lightly and took his pinky. 

“Why are you back y/n?” He looked at you so hard, it felt like he could see directly into your soul. “I, um, I just wanted a fresh start I gue-” Kai cut you off “Don’t lie to me, y/n. You know I know when you’re lying.” He was right. There was no point lying to him. “I broke up with my boyfriend, I had nowhere else to go, Kai. You know me and my family don-” He cut you off again. “Was the sex good?” He deadpanned, his face as straight as an arrow. “Kai…Why are you asking me this? I don’t want to talk about him! You haven’t seen me for four years and you’re asking me about my sex life?” You retort, feeling tears prick in the corners of your eyes, not wanting to think about your ex, especially like this. Thinking of your ex scared you. All you could see in your mind was the sheer anger on his face as you told him you were leaving, and years of putting up with his constant cruelty. “Did he fuck you well?” He asked, his grip on your pinky tightening. “Sometimes.” Kai let out what sounded like almost a low growl. “He didn’t deserve you, y/n. No one deserves you but me.” “What are you talking abo-” 

The next thing you knew, Kai had lifted you up onto the table and was kissing you deeply, his large hands holding your waist while your legs instinctively clung around his torso. He ran his tongue along your bottom lip, begging you for entrance, which you quickly granted. You moaned into the kiss before realising what was going one and you then pulled away quickly. “What are you doing?” You say, looking up into his dark, lust-filled eyes. “You don’t know how long I’ve wanted this for, do you, y/n? You have no clue how long I’ve wanted to fuck my sister’s hot friend for?” He growled. “Let’s see if I can fuck you better than your ex, shall we?” He said, before leaning forward and attacking your neck with his lips. Without thinking, you began grinding against his hard on, needing friction against your clothed cunt. This time, Kai pulled away, and you whined at the total loss of contact. “Stand up, y/n” he said gently. You swiftly hopped down from the table, looking up at Kai. He took a few steps backwards “You look so sexy in that shirt. Take it off” You did as you were told, his gravely voice sending more heat straight to your core. You pulled the t-shirt over your head, leaving you in your sheer, black lace bra and panties. “Fuck” he muttered to himself. His hard on had evidently grown by now, straining against his pants. He noticed you looking at this “you can help me in a minute sweetheart. Take those off first though.” You quickly tore off your bra and pulled your panties down and stepped out of them, and closer to a groaning Kai. You took another step forward and began palming him through his jeans with one hand, while using your other hand to toy with your clit, needed some kind of friction there. Kai pulled his shirt over his head as you snaked down onto your knees. This caused Kai to swiftly pull down his pants and boxers and step out of them as his hard cock sprung up against his stomach. You licked your lips and quickly took as much of him as you could in your mouth, pumping the rest of his length with your hand. You looked up at Kai to see him with his head thrown back and moaning your name. “You look so fucking hot with your mouth full of my dick y/n” he purred. This motivated you to take even more of his in your mouth. Kai grabbed the back of your head and began thrusting himself into your mouth. A few seconds later you felt his dick twitching inside your mouth, so you hollowed out your cheeks and bobbed on his cock harder. The next minute, he was moaning loudly as he filled your mouth with his cum. You swallowed all you could, but some of it trickled down your chin, and you pulled away from his cock and wiped away the dripping juices with the back of your hand. 

“Such a good girl, y/n” He purred in your ear after pulling you up and backing you back against the table. You hopped back onto it and began grinding your naked cunt against his cock, your pussy practically dripping with anticipation. “Please Kai…” you plead. “Please what sweetheart? I can’t help unless you tell me what you want” He said huskily. “Fuck me, Kai, fill me up with your big cock” you purred. This caused Kai to moan loudly as his hands slipped down to your folds. One hand on your clit, the other hand making use of two fingers that quickly slid inside you. “So wet for me, sweetheart” he whispered. “Please Kai!” you begged, arching your back as he thrust his fingers deeper inside you. “As you wish, y/n”. He pulled his fingers out, but they quickly replaced with his cock as he thrust deep into you. With one of his hands rubbing your clit harshly and the other playing with your right nipple, you arms were struggling to hold you up, the pleasure rocking you to your core. “Fuck Kai, you feel so fucking good!” you moan as he thrusts in and out of you quickly. “You’re so. Fucking. Tight y/n” he growls, punctuating each word to match the rhythm of his thrusts.

You could feel your pussy clench around his throbbing cock as your arms give up on you and you fall against the tabletop, screaming Kai’s name as the pleasure of your orgasm washes over you. Kai carries on plowing into you, until a few seconds later you feel his cum shoot inside you. “Fuck y/n” he pants, still slowly thrusting into you as you both come down from your highs. You lay on the table for a minute while Kai gets dressed again. You get off the table and slip your clothes back on. After you finish dressing, Kai steps in front of you, placing his arms around your waist. “I’d better head back up to Winter” you say, looking up at him, smiling. He lets you go and you kiss him on the lips. “Thank you, Kai” you say as you skip off up the stairs. He can practically hear the grin on your face as you call back to him. “Thank you, y/n” he says to himself, smiling. 

You slip back onto the sofa upstairs next to Winter. “What did Kai have to say?” she says, too focused on the movie she was watching in front of her to look at you. “Nothing much.” You say, glad that she didn’t look to see the huge grin on your face.

[tinybeanhealing]

ASTRO CHALLENGE: Day Twenty-One

Day Twenty-One: Tell us your favorite memory with each sign.

Aries: most recently when we went to see coco n sobbed n held each other n got dinner n hugged n it was the most special.

Taurus: when we planted bulbs in roundabouts in yr neighborhood n it was so special n then yr cat came right up to me n booped me immediately n that’s when u were like “ok this is an ok human” (’: honestly one of the sweetest days ever.

Gemini: when we saw each other once a week for months n u showed me podcasts every single time n we baked things n got baked lol n listened to sza every day n went to the beach n walked arnd the neighborhood just to get jealous abt other ppls’ porches n u were always like “i’m gonna go sit on their porch they’re just wasting that shit !!”

Cancer: when we tried to throw a party but only 4 ppl showed up n u stayed in the other room the whole night n i legit left n went to sleep but then came back at 4 in the morning n we giggled for like 3 hrs HAHA wow

Leo: every memory w u is my favorite memory but there was that day/night when we went to golden gardens n the seals were barking at the dogs n the dogs were barking at the seals asking each other if they were ok n we went to that diner n smoked cigarettes n sang valerie the most loud forever n then u didn’t know how to drive home so i drove in front of u so u could save on yr data n it was the sweetest date i’ve ever been on

Virgo: when u scammed our white grandpa into buying me uggs n u stole a northface jacket n got me lulu lemons so that i would fit into our white str8 catholic high school better n u held me tight n said “fuck all of them jas, none of them are worth shit” OR the time u called me yr best friend n then held my hand while i cried bc that’s all i’ve ever wanted lol

Libra: when i was rlly young n u were in high school n i came over to yr house bc our mamas were hanging out n we had nothing to do so u wrote a line of a story n then i wrote the next line n we did that until we were laughing so hard n we came up with the worst most scary stories n it was so fun i can still remember one of them n i feel so proud that we love each other the way we do

Scorpio: when u used to dance with ate n me during wowwowee n even tho it hurt yr back n yr knees u jumped up n down with us “for exercise” n u always held my hand no matter what n called me yrs even tho i’m only half filipino u loved me whole anyway

Sagittarius: when we met up the second time after 2 full years of not talking n we were able to look at each other with actual, non toxic love instead of fear n sadness. That moment, the hug goodbye. I’ll take that with me forever. I love u. 

Capricorn: yr smile is my favorite memory of all time. there was a time that we went to the arboretum for yr first time there n seeing yr eyes get so big at the trees n feel in love with the place even tho u weren’t sure what u would think of it before we got there made my heart sing i can’t rlly even describe it anymore it was too perfect to put to words. 

Aquarius: when i came to LA n u got to show me arnd yr place in yr own way n u didn’t have to rely on anyone else to make it happen so we just had the best weekend On Planet Earth n we ate so much amazing food n u comforted me abt being anxious abt silly things n we watched the last half of season 3 of bake off n cried together n we took selfies n looked at the sky n i ate 250mg of weed n then was like “lol i should have eaten more” n then I did n was like M I S T A K E lol

Pisces: when we wake up every saturday morning just to hang out n get breakfast n we would pretend we were gonna do our homework but we would get high in my car n watch tv n play left4dead for 12 hrs instead n then order pizza n watch veronica mars lol for like 4 months.