#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING

[deoidesign]

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[iovealexivs]

Thanks for answering my adhd med question! If and only if you feel like it, would you say more about how you were originally misdiagnosed as having only-depression? I've been depressed since early childhood but lately I've started to realize that this is heavily influenced by the fact that I can just never get a grip on anything in daily life, and there's probably something more cognitive or neurological going on. If you don't feel like discussing it with a stranger you don't even have to tell me, I'll wish you a happy new year anyway!

“I can never get a grip on anything” encapsulates how I have felt for as long as I can remember.

I have mainly inattentive ADHD, so it was never caught when I was a kid though in hindsight jesus christ it was so evident. I was (and still am) a huge daydreamer, I do go off topic given the opportunity and even when in appropriate, and I’ve always been a disorganized/messy person. My mind is going at like a million miles a minute even if I’m not physically expressing that hyperactivity. I struggle with impulse control, am easily forgetful of things (couple that with brain fog from long covid and it’s awful), have major time blindness, etc.

When some of my symptoms, such as procrastination, burnout, not cleaning my room due to executive dysfunction, etc, started to affect my life negatively it was chalked up to depression. On the outside it did look like depression, so I bought into it. For a short time antidepressants would work (except for venlaflaxine, which i mentioned had extremely awful side effects but also did no good). But because the problem wasn’t actually depression those didn’t work for very long. It was really frustrating and I must’ve seen 4 different professionals over the course of 5 years before getting to a medication plan that works.

I wasn’t able to see anyone for my mental health until I was an adult due to my home life even though I’d felt this since I was 13. my mom for the longest time would just chastise me for being lazy as if I could control it (she did this well until this year when I told her the problem was ADHD. Reason why I never did before was because she was always dismissive about my mental health as a teen so it was hard to approach her). There is also the fact, according to my dad who only told me after I graduated highschool, my pediatricians told my parents when I was a toddler I was exhibiting signs of autism (which must’ve been very telling if it was caught on that early) and my parents denied me a proper diagnosis because “that couldn’t be it” even if it’s a comorbidity of my physical conditions. So i’ve been running around with that, and I am sure that has to have an effect on everything else.

It wasn’t until I saw a therapist in late 2018/early 2019 for a traumatic event that I considered ADHD a possibility because she was able to pinpoint it from my behavior and my past. But a therapist can’t write scripts so I still needed to see a doctor/psychiatrist. Since then I tried to see different doctors but most just stuck me on antidepressants either by continuing my lexapro script (which had no effect here nor there once I stopped other than mild withdrawal symptoms) or starting me on Wellbutrin (in 2021). I started wellbutrin because I finally got screened for adhd and had the official diagnosis, but I was still given an antidepressant. The wellbutrin worked a little better but it was not solving the problem completely. It got me up and out of bed, which may be why the person I’m seeing now wants me to keep taking it, but I could never stay focused on a task if I wasn’t being forced to either my parents or work. It was so bad on my end when I was on my own in uni that I ended up in the ER due to self induced stress. This summer my psych NP put me on adderall because he listened to how frustrated I was with having an ADHD diagnosis for years and not being effectively treated for it. He did try the venlaflaxine but I had to stop it and then he put me on adderall. I’ve noticed only positives from there even at a smaller dose.

I believe one of the reasons it was diagnosed as depression is because ADHD (like many other health issues, including autism, which can show how much I was showing as a kid if doctors could tell off the bat) is largely ignored in people born female like myself because of stereotypes associated with ADHD mostly being noticed in boys/people assigned male at birth. To further illustrate this, my brothers were suspected of having adhd before they were 7. I wasn’t as disruptive as the “typical” adhd child (I did have my moments. Don’t get me wrong. But it was treated as me being an occasionally unruly kid and I was reprimanded for it only as it happened) so no one cared. I was also a “gifted” kid because I liked reading so much and was smart for the time. Surely a kid with good grades (and who got punished for anything less than a B) has no problems /s. So when I started to level out with my peers in high school the “laziness” accusations exploded in frequency and no one would listen to me when I said I felt so out of control of my own mind.

Sorry this got so long. I never can be concise when there’s something I feel so strongly about. I, unlike the adults in my adolescence, encourage being open about mental health so I hope this can help you.

[everydreamrecorded]

oh my god okay, i saw my psychiatrist today and started writing a post about it and ended up ranting about work and how pissed i was the other day but what’s funny is that my appointment today mostly was about my being more irritable

i really am though and i didn’t think at all about it being a possible side effect of my medications. i’ve been on just wellbutrin for three months now, before that i was on it and rexulti. before that, those two and lexapro. quitting lexapro was great, very glad to be done with it. quitting rexulti was scary because it had a huge impact on me, was very important to me feeling as well as i have in the last couple years. but it’s not a drug i or my doctor want me on so she had me try quitting it. 

it’s been okay, my sleep’s been a bit off. i’m obsessed with a band for the first time like 8 years lol actually i had one for three months and now i’m on another but anyway, i haven’t done this sort of thing in a long time. and i’m also pissed off!!!!!! about a lot of stuff!!!!! i told my doctor it’s mostly work but i’m thinking about it now and that’s not the only thing, it’s lots of things.

and like being mad at my dad or frustrated about work makes sense. sometimes. but sitting on the toilet for 30/45 minutes, ranting in my head about how we don’t have paper towels at work? maybe not so much sense there?? i used to sit on the toilet and pick at my skin for half an hour and now i’m just sitting there bitching lol. i clench my jaw, i’m sometimes near tears, and yall it’s not easy to take a shit when your whole body is tense because you’re mad at something your dad didn’t actually say but maybe could at some point based on past things he’s done which also make you mad but this fantasy thing is worse and

after i reblogged that post about twin flames, i wrote two posts about how fucked up that shit is when it’s with a dead famous person and like yeah i think that it is but is that what i want to spend my time on? my energy on? jesus i went to the bathroom after writing them and sat there, jaw clenched, pissed about it oh my god!! i didn’t post them and won’t. i didn’t mean for this post to go on like this what the fuck