#aro tag

[aptericia]

Not proud to be here.

--

Ok, here goes draft like 5 of this fucking post. I spent 4 hours tossing and turning in bed last night thinking about this, and then this morning I found a tumblr post that really helped me understand what I was trying to say.

The post talks about how aromantic "advocates" claim that "aros don't take up resources, so there's no reason not to include them!" And if that's actually what people believe, I think I can finally articulate why it is that I feel so alienated in queer spaces.

It's because aspecs in general aren't "welcomed" by much of the queer community. We're tolerated. We perhaps get the luxury of not being contradicted on our own identities, or not being specifically kicked out of LGBTQ-only spaces, but that's the whole point: what we get out of the queer "community" is people NOT doing things, not actually doing things FOR us. And that, frankly, is not enough. We deserve conversations about us. We deserve to have others consider our feelings, even when making lighthearted jokes. We deserve varied, respectful representation in media. We deserve the active deconstruction of amatonormativity in society. We deserve to have space made for us, rather than at most being told we should "go take up more space!" ourselves.

Of course, the reality is that my being aspec is a personal matter that does not inherently affect anyone else. But the same can be said for literally any queer identity. Your being gay doesn't say anything about me, so of course I shouldn't hurt you for it, but why should I help you either? Because your happiness and comfort are important. The same goes for aspecs.

And most of the time, I don't even need anyone to make space for or expend resources on me; I can live fine in everyday, non-queer-specific places without mentioning my identity at all. But it's the queer community that claims it will make that space for me, doesn't, and then acts defensive and morally pure if I call out the hypocrisy because "we're queer too, you can't erase our identities to advocate for yours!!!!"

Again, this post isn't about specifics. I have queer friends who are incredibly thoughtful and supportive about my identity, just as I have non-queer friends who are. I find more solidarity in aspec-only communities, as well as trans/genderqueer ones, although there are still many exceptions. This post is also not about amatonormative ideology, which is extremely common from queer and non-queer people alike. This post is about the reason I've felt so betrayed by the queer community.

--

On a personal note, I remember being so excited when I started identifying as aromantic (and later asexual). Fitting myself into labels has been a lifelong struggle for me; to this day I still can't confidently say if I'm White or PoC, neurotypical or neurodivergent, abled or disabled, cisgender or not cisgender. I continue to struggle making friends because I don't fall into social cliques. To discover that I officially, certainly, was LGBTQ+ lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. And now I'm just so sad to find that despite that, I'm still stuck in the middle. I didn't get rewarded with a community. I still feel alienated from both queer and non-queer people. I know it was silly to get my hopes up when there's such vast diversity in both groups, but it really was a disappointment. Going to my first Pride parade last year was really the moment where I realized this.

[gemsandjunk]

since aromantic is trending rn I wanted to point just how weird it is to me that whenever two characters are close to each other in an explicitly non-romantic way fandom immediately labels them as “family-coded” “siblings” “parent/child”

Like yeah I get the idea but at some point it feels like people just. Don’t view platonic relationships as something anyone would ever prioritize or risk their lives for, and has to be replaced with something *more*- if not romance, then family.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this. Aro beam

[day-heron]

Aroace in a way that’s inseparable from relationship anarchy. Aroace in a “getting rid of the legal institution of marriage” way. Aroace in a “romantic/sexual attraction is irrelevant to me in the first place because I actively choose to deprioritize the romantic/sexual/nuclear family ideal of relationships in my life” way.

[honeycordials]

Being aromantic is a good thing, actually.

[bogkeep]

romance does not have a monopoly on love, you know this, that's step one. step two is that romance does not have a monopoly on yearning, on heartbreak. it's easy to think yourself immune, that you've been dealt a hand that'll let you dodge those arrows, but do you know how many ways there are to break a heart? how many ways there are to fall, even if not in love? your heart is just as strong as anyone's, so be kind to it.

[7-crows-in-a-trench-coat]

happy pride month to my fellow non-bitch needers

(edit: i made separate aro and ace ones, as well as oriented aroace, grey sexual/romantic, and one with the aro+ace combo flag :D so check that out if you want to)

(other edit: you can use these as pfps if you are inclined to do so! credit is appreciated but not necessary)

[analumina]

Y'all don't understand how much I love this man 😭

[runningfromevil-mp3]

Anyway, reminder to just consider thinking about aromantic people who enjoy things like kissing and hugging and so on. Just because its seen as romantic doesn't mean it is for everyone. Aromantic people can just. do that. The aromantic experience is so varied. This especially goes to alloaro people too because sometimes you feel left out or in the middle of those discussions when you do or enjoy those things.

There's an additional reblog to this post, consider checking it if you wish!

[aroace-cat-lady]

Shout out to mean aros. They keep the world moving

[aroxbetchio]

SHIT i forgot i made this last year as a halloween aroallo flag, while i don’t necessarily identify as aroallo anymore i wanted to share it

[thermodynamic-comedian]

epic fight between me (polyamorous aromantic) and the phrase "you're the only one for me"

[asexual-juliet]

i did have feelings for you. they weren’t the right ones, but i promise i did.

i am not okay with this (2020) // chimamanda ngozi adichie, americanah // boygenius, “bite the hand”

[www-pinkhearse]

If you’re aspec in this world you may be entitled to financial compensation

[seeingteacupsindragons]

This may sound really dumb of me, but can you explain asexuality/aromance (?) to me?

I know it exists and I believe it’s totally valid, but a part of me always feels like I can’t really be inclusive or use inclusive language when I don’t understand it, because I’m afraid that not understanding it might lead to miscommunication and me accidentally offending someone

And the last time I asked someone in person they got mad at me „because I should know, I’m part of the queer community“ but all I ever heard is that it’s a spectrum? Which I don’t really understand

The way you communicate makes you seem like such a nice person, so I thought this would be a good place to ask 🫣😅

I think this is the first time I've been told I see like a nice person, but this is a lovely way to round out ace week when I haven't managed much, so let's do this.

Anyway, the jerk who said you should just. Know things. Is rude. You have to learn things at some point. It is true that some things you can find ways of learning yourself, or that you should have perquisites or are expected to know things before x, y, or z, but that's also just not helpful, so.

So let's start with definitions: Aromanticism and Asexuality don't mean the same thing, but they're related concepts.

Asexuality: The trait of experiencing sexual attraction never, rarely, or only under certain circumstances.

Aromanticism: The trait of experiencing romantic attraction never, rarely, or only under certain circumstances.

Those last two are how it's a "spectrum": there's more than one possibly manifestation or asexuality or aromanticism, and those spectrum identities are often called "gray aromantic" "gray romantic" "gray sexual" gray asexual", etc.

However, those identities generally have more in common with people who never experience sexual attraction that people who don't fit into this spectrum, so they're included. If someone only experiences sexual attraction when certain criteria are met, that means the rest of the time they don't, and they may have only recently or rarely even experienced attraction and started to understand that experience. Etc.

The next part of where people tend to get tripped up is that they thing of attraction as "wanting" something, but that's really not what it is. It's more of a compass that indicates what direction where you want to go is.

We're going to reuse the very common donut metaphor here. I'm not a big fan of it, but it's helpful for this.

People think of wanting a donut as "Oh, I want this donut, let's go get one," because that's how most people end up with a donut (or a relationship). But there are also people who are offered a donut, aren't real sure they want one, and they look at it and go, "Actually, yeah, that donut looks good." And that would be specific circumstances met! A-spectrum!

Or, they're offered a trip for donuts and go, "Actually, yeah, I could really go for a Boston Creme." That's someone who maybe doesn't usually think about donuts, but now that they're considering donuts, they're experiencing a desire for a specific donut. A-spectrum!

Or, they're just like, "You know, a donut sounds good right now," but has no specific opinion on creme filled or jelly filled or glazed or iced or whatever the hell. They're just like, "Donut. Please a donut." That's someone who who wants a relationship, but doesn't feel attraction. But that doesn't make their desire for a donut, or their happiness having the darn donut, any less real. A-spectrum!

So, it's perfectly possible to want sex or romance and not be attracted to someone. The wanting is not the same as the specifics, and attraction is in the specifics.

However. It's also true the wanting and the specifics do go hand-in-hand, and for many a-spec people, they have no desire for sex or romance (or little). And the way society is currently structured is very hostile and dismissive of that. Hell, when I got this ask I was at a family event, and we were talking about my new apartment and the red color my living room is, and my grandmother made a comment about me maybe meeting a fireman.

Now, my parents and my siblings and I all sort of recoiled, because we know better. I don't want a fireman. I don't want an anybody. But that doesn't mean my relationships are less meaningful than sexual or romantic ones. I feel love and care for people in my life intensely, and they're precious people to me. I don't like the way society pushes those important parts of my life aside, and I don't like them being talked about in a way that sounds like they matter less, or they're less valuable, or they should be de-prioritized in favor of sex or romance.

And, sometimes, i just want to go through life for a while not thinking about either of those things, because they're not part of my own personal life at all, but my life is still full and rich and interesting.

Now, this was a quick 101/102 level introduction to the topics. There's much more to discuss around libido and romantic libido and zucchinis and qprs and different forms of attraction and squishes and on and on and on.

But I don't think that's what you want right now when you're first stepping into understanding the topics.

So I hope this helped you understand the ace and aro spectrums better.

Cheers!

[rgbfall]

hmmm in light of. recent events on tumblr, would anyone be interested in me finding some data on arophobia? (eg hatecrime rates to aro people specifically? especially aro men? bc. i feel very strongly about aro ppl being queer

[teja-has-puppet-autism]

btw I'm kissing alloaros so many times y'all are amazing and deserve space on my lap