#as a result of my failure to get an internship this summer. but at least no more school until july x

[invisiblecities1972]

the way i got a B on my cs final even though i didn’t understand any of the material from after spring break and didn’t know how to do several of the questions on the exam.. thank you to whoever designed the grading rubric. this just goes to show the power of generous partial credit ♡

[kristallioness]

2016 | 2017 | 2018

*quietly sneaks back in*... Happy New THIS Year, my dear followers! In Estonia, we have this saying that if you wish someone a 'happy new year' after Three Kings' Day (the 6th of January), you gotta have a bottle of alcohol with you and give them a drink. *lol*

Anyways, I would like to apologize for the sudden disappearance that happened prior to Christmas. I was just busy travelling back home for the holidays, unpacking and putting away my stuff, watching some great, traditional movies or shows on TV, and most importantly, working on those 2 latest masterpieces that I posted (which barely got 30 notes each.. *sigh*).

But as you can (and probably will) see, the year of the yellow earth pig (i.e. my dad's year) was a rollercoaster of emotions and accomplishments, or lacking thereof.

My creative side seems to have suffered the most due to lack of leisure time. I only managed to finish 3 full digital drawings and left behind several sketches or unfinished WIPs (2 of which are revealed here under the months of June and November for the first time, I intend to finish the Korrasami one btw). At least I got to start 2020 with a completed drawing on the very 1st day, ha-ha! Perhaps that's a good omen for this year?

If so, then I hope I'll find the time to finish the rest of the 2019 Inktober prompts, since I only did 4/31 this past October (even though I'd thought of ideas for all of them). I brought all the necessary drawing utensils and sheets of paper with me, so whenever I'm in the mood, I'll try to sketch another one.

*calculates for the nth time*.. I wrote 18,110 words worth of fanfiction, plus 820 words for the UYLD prompts (making the total 18,930). Technically, you can count another 8k+ in there, since it comes from that unfinished story (of Aang taking care of a flu-ridden Katara, as illustrated by the September sketch), which I haven't finished within the last 4 months or so. Plus, I barely wrote 1/5 of the amount compared to 2018.. *hides in shame*

Then again, I was an excellent pupil for picking up an actual book and reading through 150+ pages (which means I have ~300 pages to go). I'm talking about the new Kyoshi novel that came out. As I once said, I haven't voluntarily read a book in years make that 2 years ago (most of the reading I've done in my life is either Tom & Jerry comics, now the Avatar comic trilogies and art books as well as fanfiction online, or compulsory reading during school). But this novel is freaking fantastic superb!

Not only that, I bought all the new comic trilogies and managed to read them through. Damn, did they give me feels.. especially "Ruins of the Empire" (ngl I squeed so hard when I saw the Korrasami farewell kiss on the 1st page of the 2nd part). I can't wait to read the 3rd part this year!

However, I failed to rewatch Avatar last year, and I haven't seen Korra since.. 2016, I believe? Wow, that's 4 whole years.. But I intend to fix that mistake starting from 2020. Hopefully I'm in the mood to start my rewatch this weekend tonight. *fingers crossed*

But as I said, I had much less time to focus on my hobbies since 2019 was the year for finally moving on with my life (sort of, I'm still working on it). I still remember how down I'd been feeling for a while and how valid those emotions really were. The first quarter of the year (+ like a month or two) was a continuous descent into desperation and feelings of utter failure, which already started around the 2nd half of 2018 and only continued to deepen around that time.

Everything began to change when I was first chosen to be part of a 2-month summer internship in an IT company, and I had to start building a new nest in a new location in Tallinn this May. And now, I feel like I've hit the jackpot by getting a permanent job in another IT company this October.

I got the opportunity to work in two different fields, in two different teams within a year. I met some awesome colleagues (a lot of whom are foreigners) and got the chance to really put my English skills to the test.

Thanks to the new job, I also had to go to a free health check, which went really-really well. Despite my nervousness in the beginning, I feel much more relaxed about my physical (and mental) health, cause the results showed that everything's okay (something I'd been worried about since March 2017).

Speaking of health or staying healthy, there were a few sports events that I went to, too. Our team held the first winter team event (it was the first one for me, at least) by going to do archery in a range on the outskirts of the capital.

I watched the football match between 2 teams of our local league at my hometown together with my dad on his birthday. Our home team won the match and came in 4th place overall in the league this year, which is their best result so far (I'm really proud!). And merely days before I started work, I visited the Tallinn International Horse Show for the first time (also with my dad). I last got to watch horses jump over fences or dance to their musical programs ~ 10 years ago, and I loved it!

Event-wise 2019 was pretty full of them. As has become tradition, I went to the Defence Forces parade on our 101st Independence Day (which seemed rather bleak compared to the centennial, even more so since we didn't have ANY snow at the time).

What will hopefully become new traditions, I visited the television tower on the Restoration of Independence Day (where Uku Suviste gave a free concert in the evening), and went to the Veteran's Rock concert (to honour our war veterans) on our Freedom Square on the 23rd of April (since I'm residing in the capital now, I should be able to go again this year).

To continue with the centennial celebrations (yes, some things are STILL turning 100), I saw and explored inside the armoured train no. 7 called "Wabadus" ("Freedom") in the Baltic Station. This armoured train was one of the keys that led our country to victory during the War of Independence from 1918-1920.

There was an even bigger (150th) anniversary to celebrate in the beginning of July, when I attended our Song and Dance Festival. This was a really important, if not the biggest event of the year. I intend to make a longer post about my experience, cause it's something that you foreigners need to see for yourself. I can't simply describe or put it into words, I have to show you some videos and photos.

But while we're on the topic of concerts, I should mention that I went to 2 more at the beginning of June - Bon Jovi and Sting - as well as 2 that were part of Christmas tours in December - Elina Nechayeva and Rolf Roosalu.

Besides that, I went to 6 different festivals, half of which I'd been to several times before, such as the Türi Flower Fair, Jäneda Farm Days (where I went on my first helicopter ride for my 25th birthday present) and the Christmas market in the Old Town of Tallinn.

The other half is comprised of festivals that I'd been considering going to for a while, or which took place for the first time. The latter applies to the Black Food Festival, whereas the "Valgus Kõnnib" ("Wandering Lights") and the duck rally, both of which took place in Kadriorg, fall under the first category.

The duck rally is a charity event held in the beginning of June. Regular people can buy at least one (or several) rubber bath duckies for different prices, which will then be dumped into a tiny stream that'll carry them towards the finish line. This event has grown more popular each year, and the money the Estonian Association of Parents of Children with Cancer (sorry, long name in English!) collects is donated to the Cancer Treatment Fund.

*wipes forehead*.. Phew! I'm surprised, that's a whole lotta positivity for 2019. I think there's one more important, but seriously negative topic I haven't covered yet, but I feel should be mentioned and explained.

When it comes to politics, 2019 was a complete disaster for us. EKRE (Eesti Konservatiivne Rahvaerakond in Estonian, or Estonia's Conservative People's Party in English) i.e. our populist/nazi/pro-Trump party is in the government as of April 2019, thanks to 100,000+ idiots (out of our population of 1.3 million) who voted for them and gave them 19/101 seats in the Parliament.

No, I am NOT going to apologize for calling them a nazi party, because their main leaders have repeatedly supported ideology that's common to nazis (they use aggressive rhetoric, blame the media for making them look bad, downgrade women, minorities, are racist, anti-semitic etc...). And I will not apologize in front of the people who voted for them, because "thanks" to this, EKRE has dragged our country's reputation straight through a mud puddle (not to mention the scandals that have accompanied 5 of their ministers, 3 of who have THANKFULLY stepped down from their positions) and.. *swears like the British*.. it's BLOODY EMBARRASSING.

I am done being nice, I have at least some kind of prejudice about anyone who supports them or their ideals. And I will certainly not let Estonia end up like America. So that is why I participated in two protest events against EKRE and our current government (because the 2 other parties, who were willing to form the coalition with them, are spineless jellyfish that simply seek to hold onto their current positions of power). I'm willing to take bets as to when our government falls (the sooner the better).

*shakes off the frustration*.. Brrr! So besides that, I guess the only downside to 2019 was my spare time falling back in the list of priorities (which shows in the empty square of July).

2020 is gonna be the year of the white metal rat. I can only hope (and take action so) that it'll be just as eventful, and much more creative than 2019. Thank you all for following me (or lurking anonymously) for so long, especially to the bloggers who've offered me support through better or worse! *raises a glass* Here's to 2020!.. *sip*

[vanessastudiess]

Recently, I have been reflecting a lot about myself and my personal growth from the past year. This year was tough for me, academically and personally. And many, many, many things have not gone my way. So, I uh, I have kind of failed a lot this year? I think I have failed more in this past year than in the previous nineteen years of my life. I failed at my new job, I almost failed calculus, my grades have struggled all year long, I had to withdraw from my summer class, etc. As hard as this year has been, I definitely think I am a better person now that I am on the other side of it. I am so much stronger than I was June 29th of last year. I have had to grown up a lot, and learned some “big girl” lessons. So here are my thoughts on dealing with failure, in school and just in life in general,  and how to tackle all the messy emotions that come along with it. 

1.) Remember: college is a tough environment. 

Most of my friends and acquaintances are all tirelessly working towards some impressive end goal (graduating, getting into med school, getting an internship). Many of my friends are also in hard programs, and must be at top performance at all times. I attend a competitive university, and so it really does seem like EVERYONE has their life together. Everyone I know has big dreams/goals/plans. We are all trying SO damn hard to succeed at our respective fields, and it can be hard to always be around successful, overachieving friends. Most of the time it is great-- I have a great support system and I love to see all the great things my friends are doing...but

It can be so hard to not compare. It’s hard when everyone seems to have everything working out for them, and I don’t. Especially when I feel as though I put in an equal amount of effort. It is important to remember that first of all, it is impressive that you are even in college. You would not have gotten accepted into your university if you could not have handled the work. It is important to remember in school, that everyone goes through their struggles. Some struggles are just more apparent than others. 

2.) It’s okay to not be perfect. 

I know this can sound cheesy, but it is true. I struggle with perfectionism. I always feel like I need to be in top performance mode for school, but somedays, I just can’t be. I get tired, or sad, discouraged and stressed, just the same as everyone does. You aren’t a robot, and you can’t just go-go-go without stopping. Sometimes to you need to stop and take a break. It is okay to rest. Resting is not quitting. It is not failure. 

3.) Reflect and learn from what happened...then MOVE ON. 

I honestly think this is the most important point. It’s very important to look back on your past mistakes and think “What could I have done differently?”...Could I have studied more effectively? Could I have started planning earlier? Could I have been a better friend? Use your failures to your advantage-- learn something from them. This is how you better yourself. 

However, after wallowing in self-pity, and dwelling on whatever happened, move on. It is now in the past. It is done. It is hard to not be hard on yourself. Nobody is perfect. No one should expect you to be perfect, and you should not expect that of others. 

4.) Failure is necessary.

Failure is the scary part about “putting yourself out there,” in every aspect of life. But, it does make you a tougher person. I have failed a lot in my life, but I can say with confidence that I have more grit than pretty much anyone else I know. I throw myself at my goals, but only get the desired results half the time. That is life. Life is not fair. I have such a steadfast grasp on what I want to do with my life, and I refuse to let any obstacle overcome that. My failures have made me realize how badly I want to achieve my dreams. If you are not comfortable with failing, then you are going to miss out on a lot of life experiences. It’s going to happen to you, no one is immune. 

Well, I hope anything I said comforts at least one person. If anyone else out there isn’t having the best time, remember: it’s okay. You are doing enough just by trying. Go do great things, friends. 

[myselfinserts]

Perhaps, if he’d paid attention in class, he wouldn’t have been remembered as such a failure.

The end of the quarter was coming. The break before the summer sessions would be starting soon. As a result, everyone was rushing to get study time in the library. The private rooms were booked out until the end of finals. And Regi was struggling to get his work done in French. 

So when Lisette came by the other day to help with the kittens and asked if he wanted to join her study group, he jumped at the chance. Most of his friends were already in it. At least, he considered them all friends. Henri and Grégory for sure. And Blanche, of course. He still wasn’t certain on where he stood with Allard, but he was sure it wasn’t outright hatred. Massive dislike and reluctant acceptance? At the very least, he was certain the man didn’t hate him nearly as much as he did before the Perun tour.  

Better than nothing, he supposed. 

He’d arrived to class early, prepping the seats with school approved study books for the upcoming assignment, when he’d gotten the notification on his phone. Lisette had sent him a link to the study group’s chat. 

Smiling, he clicked the link.

>  'Grumpy Cat Owner' added 'Reginald Gladstone' to the group.

>  'Vast Queen' changed 'Reginald Gladstone' to 'Otter Child'

Otter Child: Wait. Wait, why am I 'Otter Child'.

Vast Queen: This is why.

Regi felt his ears burning as he saw the image of himself be uploaded to the group chat. He hadn't realized he'd been photographed. His last hair tie had snapped that morning, so his hair was down the entire day yesterday. He'd also happened to be studying. In the quad. After having found a really nice, smooth, perfectly sized rock just the day before. Marianne had talked to him about 'stress stones' and their uses. He thought it'd be a good one for it. And it was.

Until he was photographed using it to run through his hair like a baby otter.

Otter Child: Okay. I think I earned that one.

Étienne Allard: I hope you cleaned that rock before putting it in your hair, Gladstone.

Otter Child: Of course I did!

> 'Vast Queen' changed 'Étienne Allard' to 'Delightful Sunshine'.

Delightful Sunshine: Must you change my name every time I log in.

Gay-zer-Beam: Get used to it Allard.

Otter Child: There's no icons, who is who?

Gay-zer Beam: It's Didier, dumbass.

Otter Child: Seriously?

Gay-zer Beam: I make one mention of liking 'The Incredibles' and this has been my nickname since.

Grumpy Cat Owner: To be fair, Edna Mode is a mood.

Otter Child: A big mood.

Delightful Sunshine: What the hell is an 'Edna Mode'?

Otter Child: EXCUSE ME?! I’m shocked YOU of all people don’t know about Edna!

Vast Queen: Looks like we’ll have to watch it during break.

Delightful Sunshine: Absolutely not. And Gladstone, aren’t you supposed to be in class doing prep work?

Otter Child: You remembered?

Glitter Princess: Who would have guessed.

Handy Man: They shall have a summer wedding.

Vast Queen: Oh, how sweet~

Otter Child: Please don’t.

Gay-zer Beam: Always pictured Gladstone as more of a Winter Wedding man, but Summer makes more sense for Allard.

Delightful Sunshine: I hate all of you.

Otter Child: Please no talks of weddings while I’m having girlfriend trouble. 

Glitter Princess: girlfriend trouble?

Handy Man: Sorry Regi. That’s gotta be tough. 

Delightful Sunshine: Can’t relate. 

Gay-zer Beam: Same. 

Otter Child: The Subject. Change it. Please. 

Glitter Princess: Okay. New Subject: I heard one of your classmates tried to kill Perun. That true?

Otter Child: NO

Delightful Sunshine: Just his assistant. 

Otter Child: THERE WAS NO ATTEMPTED MURDER

Gay-zer Beam: Pity. I heard the guy was a potential drop out and a hopeful for the Perun internship. Double duty failure.

Grumpy Cat Owner: Pretty sad he won’t be remembered much now. Heard he had a pretty nifty Quirk.

Handy Man: Oh how the hopeful fall fast. 

Delightful Sunshine: Perhaps, if he’d paid attention in class, he wouldn’t have been remembered as such a failure.

Otter Child: Pretty sure I’ll be remembering him for more than his class placement. He owes me a pair of glasses.

Delightful Sunshine: As if he would pay for those. 

Gay-zer Beam: Anyway, I gotta go. I have Dolce’s class next. We on for next week, Lydie?

Glitter Princess: Only if you found me a tutor for Japanese like I asked. No tutor, no treats. 

Grumpy Cat Owner: We got you one, don’t worry. 

Otter Child: Wait, is that why you invited me to the group?

Grumpy Cat Owner: No, I also want you to learn better French. No offense, but you suck at it. 

Delightful Sunshine: Finally something we agree on.

Otter Child: Okay, fair. So what are we talking? Just writing or speaking Are you learning common or standard? Particular dialects? I have tons of work books we can look over but it’ll help if I know where we’re starting from.

Glitter Princess: .......

Gay-zer Beam: We’ll show you the worksheets later. I need help too. 

Vast Queen: We’ll send you the date and time for the study session. It’s at the same cafe we usually hit up.

Otter Child: Okay. 

Hearing the door click, Regi sighed, shooting a quick goodbye before putting his phone away as Rosine walked into the classroom. She was rolling in a couple of boxes, all of which he recognized from the office just two days ago. He fought the burning of his ears. 

“Can you place these files to the assigned numbered student please?” Rosine asked. “Last big assignment before the end of term and it’s vital that no one gets missed.”

“Sure thing, Madam.” Regi took one of the boxes, opening one up and smiling as he got to work. “Is this the ‘Two Sides, Same Coin’ assignment?”

Rosine nodded. “Yes. And this year because the pool is so large, this assignment is crucial. So don’t screw up the pass outs.”

“Got it.” He paused. “Mind if I ask who I got? Or do I have to wait for my cake like the rest of the kids?”

She smiled, letting out a small snort. “I gave you Chimera Third. Figured that would be a good challenge for you.” Rosine started writing on the board. “By the way, about last night-”

Regi winced. He’d been trying hard to forget about it. A robbery in progress that he was about to take care of on the clock, and Mary swooped in and not only finished it for him, but did so off the clock, forgetting her permit to operate in Paris back in her hotel room. A room which was no doubt racking up a lot of money. And no doubt the person behind the robbery would use that fact to get the charges dropped. 

How am I going to deal with her? 

“I swear, Madam, I had no idea Mary would-”

“I’ve already sent a complaint to the EHA on behalf of the agency. They said they’ll arrange for Mary to go home by the start of next year.” Rosine’s nose wrinkled. “I was hoping it’d be sooner, but it’ll only be sooner if the Geodes decide she’s worth scouting.”

“I’m sorry,” He muttered. 

“Don’t apologize, Regi. I’m glad you handled the situation as well as you did. You’re rather brave.”

This made him pause. “What’s so brave about telling off my girlfriend for interfering with work?”

Rosine stopped writing, glancing over her shoulder with a soft, forlorn look. “Reginald, speaking up against loved ones can be far harder than speaking up against an enemy. And I’ve seen McMiller. If I were to be honest...you could do better. You should do better.”

This took him aback. “Huh?”

Rosine simply shrugged and turned back to the board. “Sorry, I overstepped. You’re a smart boy. You’ll figure it out.”

Regi said nothing, and continued to pass out the files, struggling to focus long enough to get it done. Mary always had a way of screwing him over it seemed. 

At least I have the study group now. And Meatloaf. And Luci’s visit coming up next week. Yeah. Yeah, I’ll manage. Just one day at a time. 

The students started filing in not long after Regi finished passing out the folders. He made himself comfortable, feeling a slight sense of unease at some of the students’ reactions to the files. No one touched them yet, but they seemed rather stumped. 

After role call, Rosine stood up front. “Before you are files on Heroes who have been well known in international circles for the last fifty years. You will not know who you’ve been assigned until you open your files. Your job is to create an essay on the Hero you’ve been assigned, going over how their involvement in the world of support affected it and vice versa, and then by the last week of the term, I expect them all turned in. Extra credit will be given to those who also do a presentation.” She glanced across the room, taking in the piercing gaze of the students. “As you’ve seen after our little field trip, one of you has already been knocked out of the running. This assignment is crucial to your moving on in my courses specifically. To those who are failing, this essay will bring you up to a passing grade and allow you to move up with any teacher you pick. However-” her eyes narrowed - “only 60% of you will be able to move on to my advanced classes. Even less if you get subpar marks.” Rosine smiled. “But most of you are passing, so there’s no need to worry too much.” 

Regi remained quiet, his mind still wandering away from him slightly after the previous night's patrol. He was too tired to pay attention to anyone else complaining. And there were complaints. He could hear the occasional groan or gasp of disbelief. This was considered one of Rosine’s harder assignments, rather infamous among the school. 

“Alright. Your syllabus is with your files, please take the rest of class to read them over.” With a turn, she headed back to her seat to start in on some paperwork. 

"Madame! Can I switch with someone for this essay?!"

Here we go, Regi thought, flipping open his file. 

"And why," Rosine started, "would I allow that, Monseiur Dosier?"

Dosier held up his hero file. "You gave me some no named D-lister from a little island off the coast of the UK. How the hell am I supposed to do an essay on his support tech escapades?"

This caught Regi's attention.

Rosine gave Dosier a hard stare. "That hero whose profile you hold was the number three on his hero association's leaderboard for a little over a decade and only just recently retired. Not to mention he's relatively respected by the Canadian branches of support design, particularly by Matsumoto Inc. I'd hardly call that a 'no named D-lister'."

Dosier did not seem to want to listen. "But no one even knows how to get any of the info on his tech! This file is just two pages! No contacts, no hero agency, nothing! You're setting me up to fail!"

Right away, Regi knew who he was talking about. And it would be an easy A for him. But he remained quiet. He wanted to actually feel like he earned this grade. 

"If someone is willing to switch with you, then fine. I won't stop you." She turned back to her paperwork. "Just know that who you get in return might end up being tougher on your skills than this one. Though I don't know anyone else brave enough to research the bastard. Probably the most difficult profile I assign when this essay comes about."

"Then why assign it?!"

"I'll take it." 

Much to everyone's surprise, Étienne stood up and walked over to Dosier, taking the file before dropping another, much larger stack of files, on his desk. Regi watched him carefully. He seemed almost excited. A glint in his eye he rarely saw. 

"I'd gotten All Might. Frankly, his foray into the world of support items doesn't interest me. I'd prefer a challenge." Étienne returned to his seat, leaving Dosier gaping like a fish. "Now will you kindly shut the fuck up?"

Regi tried very hard not to snort and turned back to his file, already making notes on some of the topics he’d cover. He’d never really explored much into support design and Beast Power quirks on his own before, but he wanted to. This would be the perfect chance. 

About ten minutes before class wrapped up, Regi got a text. 

> Last I checked, your uncle’s name was supposed to be Elbert Silverson, correct?

> That’s right. He’s technically my half-uncle. He’s my mom’s half sister. 

> Then why the hell do some of these early files have his name listed as Manabu Hirano? 

> Ah. That’s a bit of a long story on the why part, but the short of it is he took his mother’s maiden name when his parents divorced and decided to go by his middle name instead.  

> Stupid decision. Elbert is a stupid sounding name. 

> Better than Reginald tho, right? My grandparents used to call me “Reiji” if you’d prefer to call me that. 

> Fucking stuff it, Gladstone. If I need anything else for this assignment, I’ll message you. 

> Not a problem. Oh, and here’s a photo of Amber from this morning. She’s in a bit of a milk coma. 

> NOT IN CLASS YOU IDIOT!

> Sorry!

Regi winced, but still glanced down at Étienne from his spot in the back. He could just make out the tiniest of smiles. Not enough to be noticed by anyone else in class, but enough that he could distinct it from his usual grimace. 

He resisted the urge to text Étienne further, and turned back to his work. 

[angeltriestoblog]

Angel’s Failure Resume

This week, I’ve been more fed up with social media than ever before. I say this a lot, usually towards the tail-end of the year, then make a half-hearted attempt to lessen my consumption only to relapse after a couple of days due to my inherent lack of self-control and insatiable desire for good memes. But this time, I drew the line. I deactivated my Twitter account, inadvertently ghosted a lot of concerned friends, and spent most of my days either reading, writing, or watching movies. 

In my time away, I’ve been thinking of how I’ve mastered the art of documenting and broadcasting the bright and shiny parts of my life, which have fortunately grown frequent in spite of this ongoing pandemic. It may be hard to believe but I never do this to boast. (Although I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t revel in the praise I received - I’m a writer, it’s what I’m wont to do! It’s what keeps my fingers on the keyboard!) I just know how much I had to go through before experiencing success and fulfillment and I can’t help but be proud of myself. But I get that not everyone might get the drift. In fact, I might be giving off the illusion that I have never experienced setbacks, therefore distorting others’ perception of my life and perpetuating to the toxicity that social media feeds on. And since I have nothing to lose at this point (and know that choosing to bring me down because of my vulnerability says volumes more about you than it does about me), I figured it’s about time I added some perspective to this discussion.

Lo and behold: a list of my failures, arranged from most to least recent, with commentary in select parts for context. I borrowed this idea from a New York Times article I found a while back but was always too scared to try out for myself. I must say: compiling this was a refreshing exercise in more ways than one. I realized that most (if not all) of these rejections are mere scars and scabs, no longer the life-threatening puncture wounds I assumed them to be. Perhaps this proves that everything heals with the passage of time. Also, I just love making lists. Perfect for destressing, reflection, organization, record-keeping. Hopefully, you all come to appreciate the beautiful process of rejection and redirection. Or maybe just walk away with a more comprehensive understanding of what I’ve gone through. Or best of all, come up with a copy of your own.

2020

Got put in a Marketing group with the most incompetent person to walk the planet and had to put in twice, even thrice the work only to get a lackluster grade in the end

Lost an international essay writing contest I joined at the start of the pandemic; only found out the results very recently

Came terribly unprepared to my ACOMM Hosting Pool audition and humiliated myself (this doesn’t begin to express what I did) in front of the panel of judges

Lost my college best friend; had no formal closure with my high school best friend but we haven’t spoken in ages after being forced apart by our differences

Had multiple pitches turned down across several online publications, including the ones I already write for regularly: one magazine only got back to me after three months with literally no apology or explanation, and didn’t even offer to entertain any of the ideas I had already sent in

Rejected by my school publication when I reapplied for reasons not exactly clear nor fair

Had an article I wrote for Reclamation Magazine about a Filipino issue snubbed in favor of a piece authored by a Fil-Am on the same topic

Turned down as an editorial intern for Overachiever Magazine

Rejected as an intern for Klook; to make matters worse, they took my entire portfolio, which included pages upon pages of fresh and inventive ideas that they probably used for their website

Never heard back from Young Star, Scout (I never learn), Fully Booked, Preen, and later on, The Everygirl when I decided to explore international options

Rejected as a digital content intern for Arete

Made project head of a CMH initiative that was snubbed by everyone on the team, despite the fact that it was literally centered on our main advocacy

2019

Stood up against a emotionally manipulative colleague but caused a rift in the organizations we were both a part of

Had several articles I wrote for my school paper revised beyond recognition that I couldn’t even bring myself to call them mine

Was given a poor evaluation by my foster mother during a campus immersion (still don’t know why); could no longer go back to our partner community to visit because I felt like I wasn’t wanted

Never heard back from Scout when I applied to be an editorial intern

Managed to perform rather poorly in Accounting despite being an ABM student in senior high school

Messed up a near-perfect final defense for a subject by making a sweeping generalization regarding the product my group was presenting

Hard-carried a Philosophy group oral exam and received the lowest grade for literally no reason at all (for those curious, I have not forgiven my professor)

Felt very isolated in two organizations I was a part of which I wanted so desperately to belong in

Barely passed both Calculus subjects despite having sought the help of a tutor

2018

Rejected by Under the Stars when I applied to be a host after another humiliating audition

Made excuses to get out of interviews in my home org because I felt like I wasn’t good enough; ironically got rejected from my first-choice department

Realized I wasn’t as remarkable of a student as I thought: literally failed my Theology oral exams because I thought it was ok to read all my answers from a sheet of paper with my back turned to my professor

Was heavily criticized by professors for the way I wrote my essays when writing was (and unfortunately still is) the only skill I was proud of

Felt rejected by people when I entered Ateneo: to be fair, it goes both ways, I didn’t like anyone either

Did not do anything the entire summer before college: could have used the time to take internships or online courses but was far too sad to function

Failed to graduate with honors because of horrible and unfair faculty members

[thinkingcraft-dianne]

Literature Reflection (Bridle & AI bias)

I found the podcasts by James Bridle in combination with the literature review on gender, race and power in AI give more in-depth information on topics that I have theoretically (as well as in person) touched the surface on before. Both works illustrate why it is important we mindfully use and design technology.Something that stuck with me is how less visible important institutions have become; my local bank has closed and is now almost fully operating digitally and many municipality cases can I handle online. What does this mean for societies' grip and understanding of them? Visibility and transparency are ground principles for and of our liberal and democratic system, so why not here? Visibility = responsibility: this ranges from the power relations visible in the internet cables that run under the oceans to tech companies making diversity reports publicly available. 

I never realized how John Berger's theories on seeing art can be applied to modern day technology.  Especially the radio analogy I find interesting; the same can be said for social media nowadays, where only a small percentage of its users produces content that is viewed by millions. it is often a one-way conversation which leaves its participants feeling isolated instead of conencted. This has become even more apparent during covid-19, where online friday drinks have not felt the same as in real life. Also, the power of tech companies have increased even more now more and more people are dependent on them. I have a feeling that the increase of living in this digital period will have a huge impact on the mental health of people. On the other hand, the digital realm has democratized information and discussions on this information, as there is a variety of free webinars, festivals and conferences available online, from the comfort of people's homes. This will in the end also democratize new tools and how we perceive the world around us. The way James Bridle described our relation to technology was in line with Donna Haraway's idea about living in the terrestrial. If we would see and care for technology as how we do certain animals, we would be able to re-evaluate what we can get from it. Bridle mentions that artificial intelligence can help us escape the Anthropocene and to reconnect ourselves to nature.  Though he does not mention how. However, I thought of how our living world is progressively supplied with sensors and with the resulting data, and how we can gain insights into the complexity of the interdependencies between living organisms. For instance, sensors and the datafication of forests have laid bare the complex web of communications between trees. When  researching I came across this TED Talk https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pvBlSFVmoaw.

This mention of changing the way we connect to our technologies reminded me of the term automation bias; the urge of humans to favour suggestions from automated systems and to ignore contradictory information made without automation, even if it is correct. Especially in covid times, people have this idea of a 'technofix', which is  based on a combination of trust in technology and limited trust in the ability, and the willingness, of humans to adapt their behaviour. We are looking for the fastest solution which will cause us to make the least amount of sacrifices; technology will fix our problem and we do not have to think about it any longer. A “quick fix” for the corona crisis, in the form of a vaccine, would quickly silence the debate on the structural causes of the pandemic and allow us to revert to our pre-corona practices in a heartbeat. Comparable to the way medication often takes away the necessity of aspiring to a healthier lifestyle. Because of this apparent lack of any human sacrifice, the idea of the techno-fix goes hand in hand with a feeling of guilt, as if, like in the myth of Prometheus, we really don’t deserve to use technology. 

The crisis is slowly taking away our illusion of the tech fix. The essence of these (false) solutions is the illusion they create that we can “save” the climate without having to change our lifestyle. The underlying belief is that we’re not willing to make a sacrifice such as travelling less, for example, or reducing our total energy use. In fact, the main notion seems to be that human beings are not or barely able to adjust their behavior at all without the clear prospect of a reward. It would be interesting to make the climate crisis sensed evenly as immediately as current pandemic. This circles back to the notion that visibility calls for understanding, thus responsibility. As it is talked about in the Bridle podcasts: technological agency and climate change are both visual problems, or rather the lack of visibility. An artwork that succeeds in visually raising awareness for this is terra0, a forest that can autonomously sell its trees and eventually, using the accumulated capital, buy itself and become a self-owned economic unit. For now, it remains an artistic experiment designed to raise awareness, but in theory you could build such a program on the blockchain to make a forest represent itself.

For me, as a woman enrolled in a technologically-focused minor in a class in which the majority of the people identify as male, the text on gender, race and power in AI was really interesting and had contained some familiar frustrations. By connecting the unequal representation of women in the tech industry to and bias systems in AI, the author suggests two versions of the same problem. I find data violence, which enacts forms of administrative power which affects some of us more than others, a relevant modern day problem. In a world in which data and facts reign and where systems are trained upon existing data sets, representation is of uttermost importance. The authors stresses that, because AI systems play a important role in our political institutions (like healthcare), we need to re-asses the relationship between workplace diversity crisis and the problems with bias and discrimination in AI. In a future and ideal world, a supervising board would examine the politics of the design of such a system. It would check how a system was constructed and whose interests shaped the metrics for success or failure. 

Understanding 'bias' in data requires accounting of the social context through which the data was produced: how humans make data in context. It is also interesting to note that companies also use data violence to shape reports on diversity to their wishes. Only accounting the 80% of the full-time workforce is data manipulations with major implications and should in my eyes therefore be considered a crime or at least punished. Again, transparency is the only way for people to know what is going on inside a company and enables the to hold them accountable and to make knowledgeable  (consumer) decisions. To say that women are inherently less confident in their computing skills, is to totally ignore the male-dominated and therefore male-designed social institutions in which many obstacles have to be overcome. This week, I found a poc female on youtube talking about her career in coding and who recommended many resourced while talking about it in a transparent and non-elite way. This made me much more interested in it, and most importantly made me feel as if I could also find my place in male-dominated sectors. Also, talking two girls who participated in a summer residency of V2_Lab for Unstable Media and seeing their work made me feel more comfortable in that area already. Seeing yourself being represented certainly boosts your confidence in your own abilities. As stated in the article, "the inclusion of women becomes the solution for all gender problems, not just those of exclusion or absence. .. their mere presence builds the table they sit at in the first place." The ultimate goal is cognitive diversity, and cognitive diversity is correlated with identity diversity. That means it's not just about women in tech. It is about broad voices, broad representation.  

I have been thinking about my internship lately, which was unpaid and in a male-led studio. I worked really hard and participated in many interesting projects. But by giving me the feeling I should already feel rewarded and appreciated by this mere participation felt empty in the end. I have been thinking about students who might not have done the internship because they could not pay their rent that way and how this influences the diversity within a studio. I believe that if you appreciate an intern, care for quality of work and giving everyone an equal chance to grow as a designer, you would pay them. This would in the end contribute greatly of cognitive diversity in the field of design, which is also has been male-dominated in the recent past.Biological determinism, as mention by the authors, is also something that is interesting during these times inn which the political landscape is under pressure. There is more unrest and focus on the pandemic, both reasons for governments to 'silently' change important laws within a country. Example of this is the current situation in Poland, were abortion rights have been almost entirely taken away from women. Former Polish Prime Minister Donald Tusk  also criticised the judgement. "Throwing the topic of abortion and a ruling by a pseudo-court into the middle of a raging pandemic is more than cynical". The coronavirus crisis will be global and long-lasting, economic as well as medical. However, it also offers an opportunity. This could be the first outbreak where gender and sex differences are recorded, and taken into account by researchers and policy makers. Also for too long, politicians have assumed that child care and elderly care can be “soaked up” by private citizens—mostly women—effectively providing a huge subsidy to the paid economy. This pandemic should remind us of the true scale of that distortion and how balancing unpaid work out between all genders can lead to more diversity in fields such as tech and design as well.

[rjcauthor]

How to Make a Living as an Indie Author

[Author Note: Originally published on my website in 2014. The basics remain the same.]

I thought about titling this post, "My Advice to Writers 2014 - 150,000 Books Later," [2018 Update - 1,000,000+ sold and counting] but it'd be disingenuous. I'm not speaking to all writers here. There are plenty of advice guides/blog posts for basic writers, for the hobbyist, for the person who wants to get their book queried and submitted, etc, etc.

I'm not really an expert in any of those fields, so why spend my day off writing a blog post about it? (Why spend my day off writing a blog post at all, honestly? Fuck if I know. I should be on the couch partaking of the last day of the Titanfall beta or rewatching a few of the Harry Potter movies on Blu-ray. Instead, I'm doing this. I must be mental.) Anyway, I'm writing this because I want to speak to a certain segment of the writing population, and that's the person who wants to make a living as an indie author.

I've written advice posts before, and a lot of them were filled with caveats that were designed to protect people's feelings and avoid controversy, and also protect my ass from anyone who might get upset. Let me get those out of the way ahead of time: I'm assuming if you're going to read further you're:

a) Looking to make a living as an indie author, and are unwilling to accept any other means of making a living long-term.

b) Are smart enough to decide after reading my advice if the methods I describe are a fit for you.

c) Are willing to work for 100 hours per week for a sustained period of time if that's what it takes.  

d) Are smart enough to know that I'm too busy to personally mentor anyone beyond this post. You're going to need to figure out the rest for yourself. Find some author friends, some like minded people you can talk to. It'll help a lot.  

(As an aside, my harsh words here in this post are going to be the least of the slings and arrows you'll have to deal with if you go down this road, so maybe take it as a warning to look for surer footing elsewhere.)

Some quick background:

In March of 2011 I had been in financial services for seven years. It wasn't going terribly well, and I was spending all my free time working on a story idea that was absolutely haunting me. It kept me up at night writing, and I was having my friends read it and waiting anxiously for their feedback. I loved it - loved writing it, loved hearing what they had to say about it, loved every part of it enough that I was forgoing all my other hobbies just to write.

That was a unique experience for me. I'd gotten a degree in Creative Writing with the intent of becoming a novelist, but gave up on that dream by the time graduation had rolled around. I hated writing after getting my degree, my love of it all ground out of me by years of being forced to write about subjects I did not give two fucks and a shit about. I'd started half a hundred novels from the time I was in fourth grade until college; after college I didn't write anything for eight years.

I had started writing again in the summer of 2010. I kept writing for a few months during that summer, in spite of everything that was going on - work demands, a toddler running around the house, a pregnant wife, a house that we were doing a ton of work on to sell, selling said house, moving in with my in-laws, and a hell of a lot more.

I wrote in spite of all of this. I wrote DURING all of this. I kept coming up with ideas to advance my plot, ideas for interactions between my characters, ideas, ideas and more ideas. I'd sit at work and write ideas down during meetings - whole chunks of scenes and dialogue. I was a financial services salesperson and trainer; I was supposed to be paying attention.

It got bad. I didn't care about my financial services business anymore, all I cared about was writing. So I started trying to figure out how to become a full-time writer, and looked into traditional publishing (which was the only game I had heard of back then). It wasn't a happy answer I came back with. The short version: Good fucking luck, kid, and don't quit your day job.

A little depressed, I put aside my writing for a few months and redoubled my efforts in financial services in preparation for the upcoming baby. By the time January rolled around, I was twice as frustrated, and I was back on the writing again. I looked for answers to the question of, "How do I become a full-time author?" again, and this time I found something different.

Self-publishing. Amanda Hocking. Joe Konrath. They told tales of copious sales, of massive amounts of money, and of working hard, but being in charge of your own destiny. I found a few other names like David Dalglish and B.V. Larson, and I started studying up to figure out how I could do just a fraction of what they were doing. It took me about a month or so to figure it all out, but I came up with a plan, and on March 5, 2011, I told my wife I wanted to quit financial services and stay home with the baby so I could write in every available moment.

I'll spare you the argument and say that eventually she went for it. So I stayed home with our youngest and wrote obsessively during naps and after bedtime, defraying daycare expenditures for the first year and releasing two books with a third finished by the end of the year. After that, we put both kids in daycare all-day, every-day and I started writing full-time as of January 1st, 2012. I was making a living by the end of September, just after my sixth book came out.

And here's what it took to do it.

1. Be calculating

Whenever I talk about what I do/did as an indie author, I inevitably hear people in the background say, "Ehh, he just got lucky, that's all."

To them I say: I planned for both failure and success, understanding that as long as I did not yield, I could work until some level of success was inevitable. Luck may have vaulted me to way above what I'd planned for, but I didn't count on it and it wasn't required to be able to making a living, which is what I wanted - and what I planned for.

I worked my ever-loving ass off in ways that no one ever saw, spent most of my off-hours in analysis, took mighty risks, gambled a lot of money, time and basically my entire future on my own success, and then watched things work ALMOST EXACTLY LIKE I PLANNED FOR IT TO BEFORE I EVEN FINISHED MY FIRST NOVEL.

You need to constantly assess the landscape by reading about your industry. You need to know about what's going on in the world of publishing, the world of craft, everything about your industry that you  can soak up. Even if it sounds stupid, even if you violently disagree with it, the time you spend learning these things can all weigh in the formulation of your game plan.

Watch the people who are doing it, and try to distill the common denominators of their success. I heard some motivational coach say, "Success leaves clues." No successful author is doing it exactly the same way, but a lot of them are doing similar things.  

A lot of people speak of planning like it's something you do once and forget about.

Are you fucking kidding me? Planning is an ongoing process. Like Sun-Tzu said, your plan ain't gonna survive contact with the enemy (pretty much everything is your enemy, btw, this publishing environment is like Australia) so you have to revise it constantly. Throw out what isn't working, make new plans, revise old ones. My overarching plan (strategy) was this:

i) Write a shitload of books

ii) Get them in people's hands somehow

iii) ?????*

iv) PROFIT!

*(Step iii is actually, "Get them to pay for the next ones.")

It's the little plans (the tactics) - how to get those steps done - that needed changing. And you must assess where you are CONSTANTLY. And it cannot get in the way of your writing. (Starting to see why obsession - #5 - is important?)

I had this basic strategy/plan when I came to my wife on that day in March, and frankly, the strategy hasn't changed in the (nearly) three years since. What has changed are the tactics - the little ways I carried out said plan. Back then the way you carried out ii was through 99 cent pricing. That no longer works the way it once did, so now it's permafree or box sets (or the nuclear option, permafree box sets). (See points #2 and #7).

Caveats/Pitfalls for Point #1:

a) You will need to spend your off hours studying this business the way a horny teenage boy studies every line of the pretty girl in front of him's body while he's bored in math class. (See point #5, re:obsession.) You will need to read articles, journals, blogs, books and possible advice scrawled on rest area bathroom walls. (Jenny - 867-5309 and other assorted bathroom stall wisdom is probably not going to help you, but collect it anyway. Better to have it than not.)

b) If you have no experience running a business of any kind, things will be more difficult for you. I don't know how much. I spent eight years running a business in financial services before taking on this responsibility, and it was like an internship that prepared me for being an indie author. I learned to manage my time, I learned about marketing and sales, about loss leaders, and about picking up the shovel and doing unpleasant work I didn't want to do in the name of staving off working for someone else. I hate the thought of working for someone else. It's a powerful motivator for me. If you don't have motivation to drive yourself, this is going to be tough for you.

2. Write fast

Ingredient number one in the souffle of success is hard work. But simple hard work is not enough; results are key here.

In fact, this is probably the biggest caveat to the whole equation, because if you can't write fast (and a lot of people can't, no shame in that) it might not work for you like it worked for me. I wrote 140,000 words of fiction in my evenings over the course of a couple months while I was still running my financial services business because I was so obsessed with the story I had to tell.  

Some things that *might* help you write faster - writing sprints of 15-60 minutes, reinforced by taking your laptop computer somewhere that has no internet/distractions or using an internet blocking program like Anti-Social or Freedom. Still, if you can't write fast enough to get out four books per year...again, this might not be the plan for you. I'm not dogging on you, I just know what it took for me to get to my present level of success, and I'm not sure what it will take below that level of output. Is it still possible? I'm sure it is. I just didn't plan that way so I can't really advise you.

Additional caveats/pitfalls of fast writing -

a) Make sure you have an error correction process in place. Spellcheck alone is not going to do it. Professional editing would be a great idea.You have to decide what your Quality Assurance process will be, but you need to have SOMETHING in place. Not every reader is turned off by tons of errors in a manuscript, but a lot of them are. These errors take away from your story. They're a distraction. You're fighting the wind instead of using it. Don't get me wrong, there's such a thing as TOO MUCH when it comes to time spent on error correction, but you need to find this balance for yourself.

b) You can write crap to get the words out, but you damned sure better edit/rewrite it until it's professional-grade. I can fix words on a page that suck, but I can't edit a blank page. Make sure your stories are good (See point #4), that they're engaging, that they keep the reader moving through. Get beta reader feedback to tell you where people are putting your books down and try to figure out WHY they're doing it. HINT: They may not know the reason why, exactly. Study craft to narrow it down.

3. Learn business

There's a lot of bullshit out there. Tons of it. Enough to fertilize the entire world. In your opinion, maybe this post is filled with it. It doesn't really bother me if that's what you think, because once I write this post, I'm done with it. I'm not an advice guru, I'm a full-time independent author who derives all his income from selling books, not writing advice posts. So if you don't like the material herein and think it's bullshit, you know what to do with it - fertilize something.

What does this have to do with business? Everything. If you're going to be a full-time independent author, you have to fill your time with things an indie author would do. You also have to develop a really exceptional bullshit filter. You need to seek WISDOM (publishing information) from a variety of sources and develop the DISCRETION (bullshit filter) to decide what to apply and what not to. Some of the things you decide not to apply may not be bullshit; they just may not be a fit for the direction you want to take your career.

For example, discounting. Lots of people run sales on books, run specials on books. I haven't done hardly any of this, with a couple recent exceptions. This particular strategy is NOT bullshit, it just doesn't fit for the direction I want to go with my career. It's a perfectly reasonable business plan that works, just not one I want to employ.

Another thing about business - if you're not able to understand basics of profit and loss, contracts and how they affect you, the concept and application of loss leaders, basics of time management - okay, this is going to be a problem. The indie authoring industry is a place of shifting sands, where things are changing rapidly and what worked yesterday isn't necessarily going to work tomorrow.

What else goes into the business end of things? Tracking sales, choosing vendors, figuring out your budget, figuring out how to grow top-line sales while improving the bottom line by controlling costs, and dealing with the ten thousand assorted land mines that could crop up on a daily basis. Other business activities could include trawling through the data on your bit.ly or smartURL links to determine where you sales are coming from, figuring out which the best venues are for adbuys (I have no comment on this) or networking with other writers and talking shop.

Caveats/Pitfalls:

a) This is probably the least clearly delineated subject in this post. The reason why is because I don't really know how fast you can learn what you need to know. Maybe you've already got all the business  experience you need to start with the basics. Maybe you have no business experience and are starting from scratch. I'm not even sure what all I've learned along the way from my previous career and how much it helped me, at least not in quantifiable terms. I just know it's helped a TON.

b) If you don't know anything about business, that doesn't mean it's GAME OVER, MAN. You can learn. I highly recommend constantly trying to assess your weaknesses and figuring out how to shore those up. A couple areas I think authors struggle with - Time Management/Procrastination and Self-Discipline. If you've got those areas down, good for you. A few books I think might help if you feel out of control or unsure are Kris Rusch's Freelancer's Survival Guide and Brian Tracy's Eat that Frog!  (which is a time management/priority setting book). Actually, I've read a lot of books by Brian Tracy and they've all helped. The Freelancer's Guide is a good starting point, though, for general business basics.

4. Learn your craft

I'm not talking about grammar and spelling. Spellcheck can save you in one of these regards. You do need some basic knowledge of sentence structure, syntax, etc, but a good editor can help you if you're close on that. Grammar and spelling aren't really elements of craft.

Here I'm talking about descriptions, narrative voice, all the components that allow you to take the reader from beginning to end without losing them. There are a LOT of pieces to this particular puzzle, and you'll spend a lifetime working on this if you're serious about it because there's always something new to learn. Still, some fundamentals:

a) Openings

b) Cliffhangers

c) Pacing

d) Character Voice and Setting

Classes on all these topics (and more) can be found online. Make sure you use your bullshit filter to determine whether the person you’re learning from is actually worth learning from.

If you can't afford classes, let me suggest you at least read heavily in these and other areas of craft. There are tons of books on craft from experts out there. I'll try and compile a list to place at the bottom of this post in the comments, but I don't have time for it right now.

Be deliberate, as Joe Konrath would say, considering how best to improve and giving all due thought to how you can employ what you've learned in your next work to make your writing better.  

All craft exercises boil down to one purpose and one alone: HOOK YOUR READER FROM THE FIRST WORD AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO NOT FUCKING LET THEM GO UNTIL YOU'RE DONE.

Everything you learn in craft, from characterization to plotting to whatever is essentially boiled down to the essential storytelling skill of keeping them interested in what you're saying. Find the obstacles in your writing that are knocking people out of your work and shave the rough edges off them as fast as your peppy little fingers can figure out which keys to punch to do so.  

Some things that can help you build your audience - write in a series. Same characters when possible (not EXACTLY possible in romance to keep the same main characters book after book, but in mystery, sci-fi, fantasy, etc, you should do this). Can you build a career writing standalone novels? Yeah, but I don't know how to do it so go find someone who can instruct you in this manner. (see point #7 for more on the benefits of writing in a series.)

Caveats/Pitfalls:

a) Your first million words is (probably) going to suck. I had an advantage here in that I've been writing books since grade school so I expelled a lot of these crappy words during my teens/early twenties the way White Castle hamburgers are expelled from your digestive tract - violently and messily, with much disgust from anyone who witnesses this spectacle.

b) Taken alongside the first caveat, realize that sometimes you're better off jumping series as your craft/ability to hold the reader improves. My first series did not take off the way my second series has (probably because the first book isn't as strongly written/well-crafted with hooks in the first as the second). It doesn't mean I abandoned my first series (in fact it's doing quite well now) but I did put it on the back-burner for the last couple years as I focused on the one that was paying my bills. The first book of my first series was...my first book. Ever. I was still learning to write a damned novel. My craft got stronger and my second series did much better.

5. Be obsessed

To quote Bree Bridges (half of the Kit Rocha writing duo of hilarity and awesomeness), "When I say it's possible to make money in publishing, I'm assuming you've tried the easier things like digging for pirate treasure."

This does not mean it's impossible. It does not mean you can't do it. It just means that if you're just looking to make a living, it's easier to get a job that works you 40 hours a week that allows you to shut off your brain afterward.

You CANNOT do that in self-publishing and expect to have it work. You will need to think about it all the time. Wanting to make your living telling stories has to be the thing you get up for in the morning and the thing you go to sleep at night thinking about.

I wanted to spend the rest of my life telling stories and getting paid for it. I wanted no boss, no schedule but that I set for myself, and I was willing to work 100 hours per week for myself so I didn't have to work 40 for someone else (thanks to L.T. Ryan for that quote).

6. Market

Lots of people have different definitions for this. I have only one - help people who are looking for a book like yours to find your damned book. You can call it visibility, you can call it discoverability, you can call it the gorram hillbilly rock for all the fucks I give on the subject.

How did I market? One way, and one way only, pretty much. I wrote in a series that had an overarching story, and I set my first book in said series to free. Permanently. That's right, you can read the first book in my two series for absolutely nothing in e-reader formats. (More on this in point #7.)

But wait, you say! It's now 2017 and that doesn't work anymore. Amazon has come along and killed the permafrees to death using an algorithm attached to a death ray.

Fine. What's the lowest possible price you can get as many of your books to? Do that and see how many copies you can give away. No, I don't care if you've got a ten book series and you're selling 9 for 99 cents in order to collect full price for that last one. If that's what it takes to move some fucking books, you'll find me there doing it, too. I will race you to the damned bottom, and I feel confident that I can whip the ass off most of the other people there because I'm obsessed, I'm a fast writer, and I have no problem with discounting ridiculous amounts of my backlist in order to get people to TRY - JUST TRY - my writing. I dare you not to read on.

And really, this is all marketing is. I'm trying to expose the readers who will LOVE my books to...MY BOOKS. Some will merely like them, but keep reading. Some readers will get caught up along the way and only somewhat enjoy my books. Maybe they'll read more, maybe not. A certain percentage will dislike my books. A certain percentage (hopefully small, if I've done my craft job correctly) will absolutely DESPISE my books and want to flame them in perpetuity with bad reviews and bad word of mouth. This number is baked into the cake of success, so get used to it. I want AS MANY OF THOSE HATERS to read my book as possible, because if they're reading it, so are the people who will love it.

Marketing is just finding ways to get those people exposed to your books. I don't do interviews, blog tours, (or blog posts, really), Twitter spamming, etc. I did it my way - permafree and having enough reviews to get the big sites like Pixel of Ink, E-reader News Today, Bookbub, Indie Book Bargains in the UK - to give me some signal boost so my books could go up the freebie charts. Kobo has given me a helping hand before as well, getting visibility on their site. I didn't ask for it, they just gave (and I'm grateful for it). Ultimately, though, none of these things would help me if I hadn't set the damned books free and gotten enough positive exposure to push them up to where people could find them.

Exposure. That's the magic word. And I don't mean the kind that gets you sent to jail for indecency, so put your pants back on. (Until you're a full-time writer, then pants are optional.)

7. Don't be afraid to give your work away for free

Between 11 April 2012 when I released my book Alone: The Girl in the Box, Book 1 and when I set it free in September 2012 some five months later, I sold 42 copies of it through all channels. In August I released books 2 and 3 in that series, ended up making four figures that month for the first time, five figures in November, and I've never even come close to a four-figure month since.

Would that have happened if I hadn't set Alone to permanently free? I doubt it. Sales weren't even moving in the right direction on it before I set it free to boost its exposure. The month before it went free it sold 3 copies. Since then it's been downloaded some 320,000 times for free and generated some 100,000+ paid sales for the rest of the series (almost all at $4.99 or the foreign equivalent).  

There are two ways to look at those numbers - the first is to say, MY GOD, YOU MISSED OUT ON 320,000 SALES, ARE YOU MAD?! The answer is no, not really, because I've probably only missed out on the 3 sales a month I'd have generated without the additional visibility brought on by Alone being free, and I traded it for a boatload of money in the form of subsequent sales. That's not even counting all the people who finish reading the Girl in the Box series and move on to the other books I've written, because there are those people, too. (And I love them. My truest fans.)

That's the second way to look at it. The thought that follows is, "if only I could give away MORE copies for free, I'd be able to push that paid number to 200k+ or 300k+." (Which I'm working on).

Let's talk about the emotion of this for a moment. It hurts to set your beloved book free. It's painful to drop it to a low price. But a recent survey of successful indie authors found that something like 85% of those making over $500k per year had at least one permafree. Look for commonalities, right?  

Whatever promotion hurts you the most will be most appealing to your readers. (That's according to one of the most awesome gurus of the indie movement, Edward W. Robertson.) I agree with that statement wholeheartedly, which is why this morning I started the process of setting my two biggest sellers - Untouched and Soulless, books 2 and 3 in my Girl in the Box series - to FREE. Why would I do that? Because I'm thinking even if I go from 3:1 freebie to sale ratio, if I could give away a million of those free (because of the added appeal of 3 BOOKS FOR FREE OMG DEAL) and it drops to a 5:1, I've still sold 200,000 more books. Boom.

It hurt when I set my first two books free, but it gets easier every time. And yes, it even hurt when I was selling a couple books a month, because I put blood, sweat and tears into those books, making them as good as I possibly could. However, their true value is not in the price on their cover; it's in how much money they're making for the author. After all, I'm not in this to make $10 per book; I'm in this to make a living. Free is just another tool in the toolbox for making that happen.

Caveats/Pitfalls:

a) Maybe your book isn't appealing to readers (NOTE: I DID NOT SAY YOUR BOOK SUCKS. Though it may. I don't rule that out, having not read your book. It may be sucking the balls of every donkey in the shire, for all I know. But maybe not.)

If this is the case, a few things will happen - once you get to about thirty reviews, you'll probablyknow it it's not appealing to readers because your review average will be low. What's low? If you're below 3.5 on 30 reviews on Amazon.com, it's not a good sign. (Caveat to the caveat: Whatever you do, don't read the reviews for your work on Goodreads. This will not be helpful to your career - or your mental health, in all probability. And definitely don't base any judgments about what to do in your career on Goodreads reviews. Goodreads reviews skew much lower than Amazon, and as far as I'm concerned, anything above 0.1 on Goodreads means I'm doing aight.)

Again, just to be plain, for bad reviews - does it mean your book SUCKS? No, not necessarily. It means that for whatever reason, it's not CONNECTING WITH READERS. Which is the name of the game to make a living. Creating pure and beautiful art is the province of people who don't have any outside concerns (and don't write genre fiction). Us lesser mortals (aka Genre writers) have to get by on the time, energy and money we have.

I would never tell you to base your career decisions on one or two reviews, but if you've got 30 reviews on Amazon and half of them are 1-stars...you're going to have a hell of time getting even a permafree enough exposure. It may be time to jump ship to another series, and possibly another pen name depending on how bad it looks.

Writers are terrible judges of their own work, and the authors who most need to be told their work sucks would still think it's awesome even if they're running a 1-star average on 5000 reviews while an author who writes amazing work tends to bash their own brains in because they got their first 1-star after 9 5-stars in a row. (Another point, which I'm going to say only once here - In the words of Troy McClure, "Get confident, stupid.")

b) Maybe you're in a genre that's not selling. Maybe it's awesome, but it's in a genre that Bookbub is ignoring. (Sorry, Bria!) That can happen. If you can, pick a popular genre. I'm not telling you to defile  your art (or whatever), but I was fortunate in that the stories I wanted to tell more or less fit into a reasonably decent-selling genre (Fantasy). If you write second-person POV octopus mysteries, your mileage won't just vary - it will suck. Even if your book is awesome.

8. Never stop learning

Things change rapidly.  If you're not constantly paying attention and reading industry blogs/keeping up with the goings on through some form of peer group with its ear to the ground, you will miss opportunities. You will miss landscape changes. These can be subtle (the slow death of Amazon Select - actually, know what what? That wasn't all that subtle) or obvious (I dunno. The caffeine is wearing off. Find an example on your own.) Either way, you'll lose out.

I had my plan, I had my basic strategy, and I started to make money in September 2012. I could have coasted, thinking I had my shit together. Instead, around October or November, I made an enormous change, one that felt like a pain in the ass to implement, but that has made enormous difference in my career.

I implemented a mailing list with links in the back of my books.

I didn't fully finish implementing this until February 2013 (and I kick myself for failing to do so) but HOLY CRAP does it make a different. If you're wondering what I'm talking about with a mailing list, go read THIS POST on Kboards by my friend SM Reine. I'll wait for you here until you get back. Make sure you read her follow-up posts as well, down the thread.

This single change is revolutionary. If you're waiting for your audience to come find you every time you release a book, you're basically throwing your baby into the waiting wolves of the Amazon algorithms. Want to make a bigger splash? Want to "game" the system? Get your damned fans to all buy your book at once. It'll make a bigger splash. If you have half a dozen cherry bombs and you light them one at a time, it's like launching a book with only social media to inform your audience. Pop. Pop. Pop. Pop!

Get a mailing list together and send that puppy while you're informing your Facebook and Twitter, and it's like wrapping those cherry bombs together to create a stick of dynamite. It can help you push your new release up the genre list and garner you exposure for your entire series. "Oh, look, book #9 of this series looks interesting. I should go back and read book #1." Boom, you hooked a new reader. And best of all, once they sign up for your mailing list, they're added to the dynamite for future launches.

If you're going to go to the hard work of writing and releasing books for a living while you're trying to build an audience, don't be yutz by skipping the last steps to success. Find a way to make it easier for readers to hand you money. Make it simple for them to know you've got a new book out.

Don't get stuck in marketing like it's 2009 and you can just format a warm turd into a .mobi, price it at 99 cents and have an Amazon Bestseller. ( #1in the Fiction -> Fantasy -> Turds & Burglars category! Oops, sorry, they eliminated that category in the great 2013 category shuffle. Which you would know if you were paying attention.)

Never stop learning. Or you'll get your ass beaten by someone who's figured out something you haven't.

Caveats/Pitfalls:

a) Honestly, no matter how much you're learning, you're going to get caught flatfooted by big changes every now and again. Try and limit how often this happens by keeping your fingers on the pulse of the indie author world (and off other places - you will go blind, dammit, STOP THAT).

b) You're probably going to get your ass beaten by people anyway, so you might as well be a good sport about it. Be honest: from where you're sitting right now, if you were suddenly selling a million books per month at $2.99, would you be happy? What if you were selling that many but you were still #1,987 on your category's Author Ranking?

Put another way, who cares what your peers are doing if you're meeting your goals? Focus on you, because you can't control what others are doing, you can only learn from it and apply it to your own career if it fits.

9. Don't be afraid to fail BIG - and find a way to use it as a stepping stone for future success

My first year as an indie author (2011) I made $12.25. I actually earned more than that, but because of the limitations on how big your earnings need to be before they cut a check, that's all I made. I never cashed that check, and it's still sitting on my desk right now (which is how I knew the specific amount).

That's kind of a big failure, isn't it? Would you be happy earning that much for your year's labor? Whatever your answer (please say no), realize that I was expecting that, so I didn't get disappointed when it happened. The game I was playing was long term, and I was aiming more for growth than anything. I was excited when I went up to 25 sales in a month, and I didn't get all bummed out and pissed off and demotivated when I sagged the next month. New releases and promotions help push you up, but there's a natural sag given time.

Another "failure": I launched a book last month, a collection of short stories in my Sanctuary Series. Thus far it's sold 468 copies, and at a lower price than I usually price my work. Whoops. I wrote a short story collection in my lesser-selling series and it bombed. This isn't a huge surprise or anything, but it's a failure. I'm not going to go crying over it, but you can bet I'll think long and hard before I spend my time writing another short story collection.

Of course, here's the biggest one of all: Every month before I started making a living was a failure, really. It was a calculated failure, but it was a failure nonetheless. We were sinking money into daycare costs, losing time for me to go get a degree in something that would pay me (with an English degree and financial services experience, I don't have a great resume). I was willing to accept as many of those failures as it took to cross through to success. My wife, however, was not going to wait forever.

Every month (even now) I do an autopsy on my calendar. What did I do right this month? What did I do wrong? What can I improve? (I also track my wordcount, sales, and number of books presently for sale.) My entire career in finance ended up as a failure, but that doesn't mean I didn't take away a ton of salvage for use in this one.

Comb through your fuckups. Often times you'll learn more from those than your successes.

Caveats/Pitfalls:

a) When you start to see some success, don't be a fucking idiot and stop working. Work twice as hard, because now you know your strategy is doable. I worked even more in 2013 than I did in 2012 because now I was 100% sure I was on the right track. I'm going to see if I can beat what I did in 2013 this year.

b) I think this probably goes without saying (but I'll say it anyway in case any of you are morons): don't go into something TRYING to fail. Unless it's low risk/low loss. Assess the amount of time/energy/money you're going to sink into something before you commit to it if it's got a high failure rate. Don't waste your time doing stuff you're almost certain is doomed unless it's like five seconds of your time. And don't get bummed when it goes to shit, expect that in advance and be pleasantly surprised if you get anything out of it.

10. Keep writing

I think I'm exhausted and the caffeine is wearing off, so I'm going to make this as quick as I can. If you're the type of person who's easily discouraged, this is going to be tough on you. If you're the type of person who flits from job to job always looking for the "better deal" or the "next thing"...you're probably not going to have much success here, either. If you're not okay with spending ten hours per day hammering at your writing career on various fronts for a while without much of a vacation or break...I don't think I can help you. If you're not bursting with excitement at the stories you have inside that SIMPLY MUST BE TOLD, I'm not sure this career thing is going to be the right fit.

But if you're dedicated beyond the capacities of most humans, if you're obsessed, and you're smart, and you're willing to learn and do whatever it takes (on this side of the legal and ethical bounds please, you Frank Underwood, you) to build a backlist and get your books in front of people, you can make a living as an indie author. Will it be huge? Maybe. Will it be minimal? Maybe. I don't know. There's some definite variance in mileage between writers, but I've seen enough of them MAKE A LIVING to know it's possible if you approach it correctly and you're willing to work hard enough to make a one-armed paperhanger look idle.

Once you've got all these other points down, it's really down to you to keep writing. Keep putting books on your bookshelf. Take the hits that will come and do not stop tapping keys on that keyboard. I don't know how long it will take you to get there, I honestly don't. Personally, I didn't care how long it took. The eighteen months it took for me passed like nothing because I was having the time of my life.

This isn't the lottery; there's not just one winning ticket. There's really no luck involved either, just an obscene number of things that are outside your direct control. There are so many things you can do to  influence these events, though, and I've outlined as many of them for you as I could here. I probably missed some; I'm kinda tired by now, and it's my day off.

The bottom line is that if you *really* want to be a full-time indie author, I think you can do it. Will it be easy? FUCK NO. If you're looking for easy, scroll back to that paragraph with Jenny's phone number. This will be a lot of "nose to the grindstone."

But will it be worth it?

In every year of my financial services career, I interviewed people looking to hire them. I'd listen to their stories, hear them talk about their work lives. Every day I did that, I put myself in their shoes and imagined what my life would be like if I had their career. Sometimes I'd shudder, sometimes I'd wonder what it'd be like if I'd made the choice to do what they did. Sometimes I'd wish I had. A lot of times I wished I had. Especially when things got bad.

Since the day I started to write full-time, I have never once imagined myself as anything other than a writer. I have never wanted anyone else's life or job for my own, and I have never wanted to be anyone but me. I've maybe wanted to have other authors sales numbers if they're doing better than me, but I've never wanted to swap anything else.

I don't want to do anything else but what I'm doing. I love this gig. It's the best job I've ever had. Last year I went to England for a week to research a novel and meet some fans. Had one of the best times of my life. In January, it got damned cold here so I picked up and took the kids to Florida for a week to hang out with my parents and go to Disney. Sure, they just went last October, but you only live once, right? (I also wrote something like 12,000 words on a book while I was on "vacation" so...)

For me, it was worth it. It was everything I'd ever wanted and when I got here, it was everything I'd dreamed of plus more. I guess what I'm saying is, if you're the kind of person who wants it that badly, who's willing to do what it takes to do it, I hope this helps you.

Keep writing. That's the last key. Through the bad times, and the good - hopefully it'll mostly be good, but you better plan for the other. If you want it bad enough that you're willing to put in effort in these areas, you can do it. If you're hating every day of it, though, then it's probably not for you, and there's no shame in that.

What being a full-time indie author basically boils down to is that you keep writing, because you love it so much you can't stop. No caveats. No pitfalls. Just a love of writing that won't ever let you quit.

(Editor's Note: There is no editor and I'm sure this post is riddled with errors. Fuck off and go write, okay? I'm going to go play Titanfall.)

[pointeshoes-and-readingglasses]

Finals Week

Finals. The word that strikes fear into the heart of students. That word is enough to make adults shiver. Normally, for me, finals is exactly that, something that brings fear and intense anxiety as I think about how much of my grades is riding on how well I do on just a couple tests. I’m a good student, so I really have nothing to fear, I’ve always done well on finals, but that never stopped me from having panic attacks about them. 

This year though is different. Senior year. Some may assume that I’m not stressed about them just because I am a senior and I have my stuff figured out by now, but that isn’t the case. I’m not stressed because I don’t technically have to take my finals, at least not yet. 

This story truly begins much earlier in the semester. In September I began remembering what it was like to be in the hospital one year earlier. That coupled with the shortening days meant the beginnings of another depressive episode. 

The hospital. A place of healing and restoration, but also of illness and death. A year ago was my second time in the hospital for the same reason. Bipolar disorder was the official diagnosis according to my psychiatrist. I had only had one true “manic” episode that I can recall, which was really hypomania meaning I got the distinction of type II bipolar. Most of my life had been shrouded in the fog of depression. I have a chronic fatigue that no one knows how to deal with and a deep hatred of myself. 

I’ve tried a few different prescription drugs. The first one I was on made my depression so much worse and is part of the reason why I have the scars on my arms. Last year when I went to the hospital, they increased my antidepressant and that seemed to do the trick. I felt much happier and was able to function better. Things had started seeming to get better. I struggled through my classes, but I got an amazing internship for the summer. The summer went decently well, little to no anxiety and only one major depressive episode that didn’t last very long. I was excited for senior year. I was only taking 14 credit hours and two of my classes were fun psych classes. That didn’t seem to stop the depression from happening however. 

Like in the autumns before, the depression started out slowly, gradually building until I was self-harming again and wanting to die. Eventually I got put in the hospital again with suicidal thoughts. While in there, they increased my antidepressant because that’s what worked last time. However, I had had genetic testing done to see how my body metabolized certain drugs and when the hospital got my results the doctor realized that the dose of my antidepressant I was on was enough to cause seizures for me. So he offered to switch me to another drug that actually two of my brothers were on and were doing well with. I agreed and at first I was doing well so they released me from the hospital.

But my troubles didn’t end there. My chronic fatigue had gotten so out of hand, I skipped a couple of classes (something I never did before even when sick.) Thankfully a break was coming up because I had missed an entire week of school and as a STEM major that’s a lot of work to make up. 

The week of Thanksgiving was good. I went to a lot of doctors offices and did a lot of relaxing. I had had plans to write two papers over the break, but that did not happen. 

Returning to school with only a week and a half left of classes, I was relatively optimistic about my ability to get it all done. After a tearful conversation with my mother, I made a schedule for the rest of the week to optimize my time. I could do this.

My body had other plans however than me getting my work done. I tried to power through the week as best I could, taking as many naps as possible. I did get work done, but not as much as I had hoped. After a weekend of getting next to nothing done, my parents called me on Tuesday to check in. I told them I could get it done and they left the conversation reassured. I proceeded to get almost no work done that evening because of a inability to do anything productive. I just sat there staring at my computer trying to find the will to do work, but nothing came to me. I began to seriously doubt myself and whether I really could get everything done in time. I tried calling my sister-in-law for some encouragement but she was unable to talk as she had a client that evening. 

The depression was really starting to settle in again. The week prior I had gone for a walk in the 30 degree weather without a coat on and held snow in my hand just to feel the pain of it burning my hand. An entire week in the hospital, all for nothing. The depression was almost as bad now as it was then. I couldn’t do it. I was a failure. 

The next day was the last day of classes. That evening I called my mom to tell her that I couldn’t do it. I had been trying all day to do work, and I had accomplished nothing. She tried to reassure me that I could do it, but I refused to listen to her. I was so stuck in my own thoughts of failure. She suggested I just try to work on my biochem problem set for one hour and call her back then. I spent that hour doing various things, none of which were my problem set. I didn’t want to call her back just to tell that I couldn’t do the very simply task she had put before me. Eventually she called me. I told her that I wasn’t doing well at all and had cut the night before. At this she freaked out a little. She doesn’t understand why I cut. She decided to call my therapist back home who told her to call the resident director on call. That person came to my room and we talked for a little about what was bothering me. She called the counselor on call. I told her what was going on and she suggested we get my parents on the line. 

And now we finally come to why I am not taking all my finals. Because that counselor told me that it was too much to expect of me to get all my work done. I was so relieved to hear that. All this time I had felt like I should be able to get everything done and if I weren’t mentally ill, maybe I could have, but the fact is that I have a mental illness and there’s no getting around it. I expected some push back from my parents when she told them this, but they agreed. It actually hurt slightly that they agreed so readily because just a little bit ago they had been pushing me to get everything done. I didn’t know what to think so I started crying. It was all so overwhelming. The counselor told me that I didn’t have to do any more work this year if I didn’t want to. 

I spent the whole of the next day not even attempting to do work. I got lunch with a friend and that evening took a shower, put on lotion and comfy socks, drank tea, and watched a movie. I got to sleep in the next day which was heavenly. 

Here I am, two days later, having only taken one final and only planning on taking one more. I wish I could say that now that the pressure is gone, my life is great. It’s not. I’m still very depressed. I started scratching myself last night a little, but I was able to stop. I really am trying my best to take care of myself, my room is clean, and I took a shower this evening, but I’m still dying on the inside. I still have a passionate hate for myself. Will this stupid mental illness ever go away? Or will this be my lot in life for forever? Can life really get better? Or is that just a fairy tale other people get to live out that’s not for me? 

[br--kh]

am i fooling myself into thinking i actually tried when maybe.... i didn't? cause if i really did try my best i wouldn't have failed, would i? i would maybe just not have the best score but i would at least have passed?? it's been months and i need to let go in order to fix myself and start on this new journey but i can't. like always. i just keep going back in my thoughts and i try to find out what went wrong. how much of it could have not gone wrong had i tried a little harder.

i can't forgot how happy i was when i passed everything in the 1st semester. without any resits. even biophysics which seemed like the most impossible subject to pass. i remember how much motivation and hope it gave me for the next semester. i remember going home and feeling good about myself. i remember sticking to my studying schedule for that one big anatomy test while i was home. at least for the few days i could stick to it. and then i remember the major breakdown. when my brother got the call from the hospital. when they told him he had to be there by the next morning because they had a new heart ready for him. of course this was something to be hapoy about and celebrate. but the shock, fear and anxiety was much bigger than anything else the first 48 hours. it was the most emotionally draining time in all of our lives. everything went well in the end, alhamdulillah. but that doesn't mean that it wasn't hard for everything to go back to normal. my mom was still having a hard time dealing with all this on top of her depression. i was trying my best to take care of my younger siblings so that they wouldn't be in her way. so while everything was happening, i didn't get to fully "experience" it. i was too focused on making it easier for everyone else. i didn't let my self feel any of the emotions. i couldn't. i had to be the strong one.

it only hit me after i went back to school. i just broke down on my bed the moment i got to my apartment. i was already sick. had the flu. the worst one i have ever had. and i had 3 days to prepare for the test. i was in so much pain. i still went out with my friend to study because i knew that was the only way i would study. obviously it wasn't going to be enough. i was still sick during the test. both parts of the test. i could easily have gotten a sick note and done the test like a week later. but that thought didn't cross my mind until after the test. naturally, the results of that test weren't as good as i was planning on. anyways so the rest of the semester i just had to work much harder to fix everything. and i tried. i guess. but it was hard. it was really fucking hard. it was hard for me to let go of past mistakes and failures regardless of it being my fault. like it has always been.

idk why i felt like typing all of this so suddenly.

passing the finals was supposed to be that one thing i had to do in order to start over. and in order to let go. but that didn't happen. and i had to do the resits. i still had hope though. i failed to realize it was actually a 100% hopeless situation. i had my resits after the summer break. and what did i have planned for the summer break? two months of internship. i tried to study during those two months. i really fucking tried with all the strength i had left in me. if i even had any in the beginning. i'm realizing just nowadays how this year and last year and even the year before that i have just been running forward. without succes of course lol how ironic. but i have been running. without a break. if i made a mistake somewhere along the way i would run harder and more just to fix that mistake. and i'm realized how pathetic it is of me to think i can fix the past. and how fucked up it is to think that i am alive today just so i can fix whatever the fuck went wrong 3 years ago. when it is something i can never fix and it's not my responsiiblity, it had nothing to ducking do with me, none of it was my fault. i feel like shit for saying tha ut i should have realized it back then. i wouldn't have fallen so hard if i hadn't just spent my life after that thinking about it.

idk idk idk idk idk. i just have this feeling that i mught not be able to get up from this fall. i feel like this will be my last one.

it all feels like such a dead end.

i'm just so tired of myself. and of life. and of surviving.

[jess-oh]

Reflection

im in a weird mood.

i had type this morning and class went well and i was on time and did all my work and worked on it pretty hard last night and i stayed up with andrew but since i was so busy working and he wasnt studying, it just felt more awkward than anything and he just decided to sleep before i was finished and i felt kinda bad but it wasnt a big deal. but i got 3 tights from old navy after work and ti was great and i had some miscommunication with shar but then we still got to talk and hangout and it was really nice! we talked about the club and my ideas and how we’ve been doing in our spiritual and personal lives and i was literally so unashamed to talk about the Holy Spirit and Jesus and to just be so open about it and i really did not care at all and it was great and we laughed so hard and so much and at times i was forcing myself to play along for the sake of keeping the conversation moving but overall, it was pretty great and i did feel good about myself. but i just. im back in this place where i had a lot planned today and i feel like i didnt do much of it and i feel bad about it. i was supposed to read so much of the Bible today but i didnt, i watched shows instead. i was so engaged w/ the episodes that i didnt immediately respond to andrew&sofia and i felt bad as a result. i feel like i have a responsibility to them as a friend to care and to drop my shows as soon as i have something more to do and have the opportunity to help which is great in theory but i am also watching shows to rest and relax and i did do a long today. I was at school from 8am to 7pm. that’s 11 hours. and right after i went to old navy and tried on 6 different tights and bought them with a credit card and shared life with sharlene and was social and outspoken and unashamed and it was great and i did do a lot and i should feel proud of that but i dont because i didnt accomplish what i set out to do and instead im just here and i feel like a failure and i know that i should be proud of myself and the fact that i did anything at all bc i know how i can get when im feeling down. i will literally not leave my bed at all. i wont leave my apartment or even my room. i’ll just rot away and drown out the noise with media. and that high, happy feeling was suddenly taken away so fast when my mom told us that she was at the hospital and would probably spend the night there. her dad has been there since yesterday and spent the night bc he had to have an emergency procedure done. hes dying. and i cant escape or deny that. hes dying and im afraid that i wont be there for it again. it continuously breaks my heart that so many people in my life have been leaving this Earth and sigh. it just makes me feel very alone and like i left or abandoned them. i dont want to be there for them for the sake of being there or to feel like i belong but because i just. i feel so bad. i feel like they’re going to think i didnt care about them in the end bc i couldnt care enough to fly over to be there for them during their final moments. i was so selfish that i chose myself over them. i do want to stay here over the summer and i know that i cant stay trapped in cali just bc im afraid someone else is going to pass. God placed me here for a reason and i want to make the most of that. i want to stay here and work on my portfolio and get a paid internship and it’ll be great but im so afraid that im just being selfish in doing this. i guess it’s really all on God to decide if he doesnt want me to get an internship or a job out here and as a result, i go home. i just dont want my family to be paying so much money for rent in an apartment that im not even residing in. and if they’re willing, then thats great. ideally, i’ll find someone to sublease the apartment to over the summer so that i can go home and spend time with my family and it really is always great. i really do treasure the one on one times i can spend with my family. spending the day with my mom at the hospital or my sister over food or shopping and my dad with a movie or food or whatever. it’s really nice and i do highly value that time and i do miss them and im just 

sigh

idk if im happier to know or not. i would love to go on a long term mission trip but i would be so afraid that something tragic would happen while im gone and i would find out when i come back. and i know that my grandpa knows that i love him so much and i am so glad that i have been able to spend time with him and learn about his faith and feel encouraged by it and thats really been such a huge blessing in my life and i am just so afraid that hes going to leave and be gone and i know that it’s out of my hands and i cant control it and he might die tomorrow and that’ll be that and i wont have any say in anything and i just

sigh

i want to tell shar but i feel like ive already bothered her. i dont want to just go to angela or jason whenever im feeling down or have a problem. andrew seems to be doing well and feeling better and i dont want to take away from that and i know sofia has her own things to figure out and she should be able to take the time to focus on that and i know that jeanne is really busy and i never really talked to david about deep things and i know emily doesnt understand and doesnt know how to respond and ive only let myself slip in my family very few times when i was really emotionally distraught but im not there yet and i think i can handle this on my own. and i dont feel so bad about being alone anymore. im just here and this is it. sigh.

i just cant think about it too much and move on.

and i know that that’s a terrible mindset and part of the reason why i keep falling victim to depression and i know in my head that people are there for me and want to be there for me but im just so afraid to reach out and be weak and let myself be vulnerable bc ive done it before and i just got hurt beyond words bc i let people in and i dont think i trust them enough yet. i would give them my life. but i dont trust them to run it. i would willingly give them my death but not my life. 

and i keep trying to reach out to my sister about our grandpa and my growing concern for him but she doesnt seem to care and i know that shes going through a lot but i feel like shes so selfish sometimes. when i asked about if she was going to go with my mom to the hospital to take care of our grandparents she said no bc shes so busy. which is fine but it seemed more like a, “wow. look at me im so busy you should feel bad for me” instead of a. “no, i am so busy and i wish i could get out of my schedule to be there for him.” there was no longing to care for him and i know that it’s a lot and i shouldnt judge bc i was even not really into spending the whole day with my grandparents and i complained while we were there bc i just wanted to rest and go home but she has all the opportunities in the world to be with them and care for them and she doesnt bc shes so much more into her own life. and i know that i could be doing more too. i could be texting and calling more often and really going out of my way to make sure theyre okay bc ik some people never grow up with any grandparents bc of death or otherwise. i just sigh i know i should be more loving and understanding and i know how easy it is to just take them for granted but she knows that they’re suffering and dying and shes not doing anything about it. she should at least be trying to be supportive of them and it feels like shes so much more concerned with herself than anything else.

[xanewsoulx-blog]

My Final Decision

Dear Everyone.

          I’ve finally hit the conclusion of all that I’ve done in my lifetime...I’ve looked back on all the the pieces of the “journey” I’ve made throughout the last six years of my life, relevant of great stuff.....Overshadow by fake smiles and dark shadows of “what ifs” and “possibles” that have plagued my post-high school years. All the years of seeing others happy that I was doing something...Something that I honestly didn’t even like doing in the first place. The fake smile that I gave back in return to each and every single one of them was always a dagger into my real dreams and emotions, and each time I put on a false positive, a drip of emotional, mental blood poured out of my skull, and tears of my dreams and goals were enough to make every waterfall in the world look like a light rainstorm. All of the these counterfeit emotions have shown me all the counterfeit results in the end....Broken promises, consistent let-downs and perennial failures...And it got me to thinking this....”If doing the same thing over and over again doesn’t yield any results, then why continue to do the same thing and expect different results? Why stay is the same hole, when you came climb out and make your own path.....” This is what I want and need to follow right now. After years of constant bull crap, meaningless accomplishments, and fake emotions, I’ve decided that...all of this had led me to my final conclusion that I know what I want to do with the remainder of my life and the final chapters of it all...I’m leaving college and focusing on my TRUE goals of being an author, poet, illustrator and artist. 

         I look back on the all the drawings, characters and even a few lyrics I wrote back in high school....And with my years in college, I honestly lost my ability to draw. I was progressing in high school, even during some time off in between summer breaks on my drawings, from 2-Dimensional to 3-Dimensional, and my shading got better as well....I looked at all the artwork on Instagram from younger self-taught artists and asked myself, “What would have happened if I had continued to progress in my drawings....Could it have been more like this, or near this level of beauty and divine detail......” I lost touch with drawing, that it feels like it’s slipping away, like a parasite sucking the life and blood out of a host...It won’t go away until it’s dead. I want to renew and relearn everything about art, from baby steps into what I originally had, so I’m learning from YouTube videos and art visual books on drawing essentials.....

      And I also viewed into my writings. From my original plans, I made five separate stories, mainly because all my characters from the original story had their own touch and style. Stories that range from fantasy, science-fiction, romance, dark comedy, horror and adventure, my stories look and feel good...I just need some better execution on characters and plot.

      I said all of this because in a drawer in my room, there is a grand pile of all that I’ve drawn and all that I’ve written, and on my left side was a rejection letter from an interview and internship, number eleven or so from the last four to five years....That rejection letter hurt me, because it reminded me so much of the previous internships that I didn’t get...It literally is a constant reminder of the theory of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again....And expecting different results....And right now, I’m tired of repeating the same cycle over and over again, with fake smiles and a counterfeit clothing range....After this semester, I’m taking a leave from college and focusing on what I really love....What actually makes ME happy. And people tell me it takes time.....Sorry, but I’m tired of always hearing that....And getting moral victories.....There comes a time when you’re tired of losing, and hearing Yes Men and Rose Colored Glasses wearing people giving you false bravado and continuation of a path that you don’t want to walk down...A path that you never chose in the first place. As Hilda said from Outlaw Star, “No one’s going to give you a map, you’ve got to walk your own path.” These lines from the Toonami Broken Promise promo echoed to me, and took me a step out of my depression....And the final line, “Don’t fear failure” echoed to me that I shouldn’t fear failure...From something that I love doing...If I fail at that, then I at least will be proud that I can try again at what I have a true and strong passion for...After this semester, I’m leaving to focus on who I really am and what I can do for myself..I don’t want to live wearing fake smiles and fake grand mass....That’s not what life is all about...

-XANewSoulX

[ellielola-blog1]

Fashion PR research:

As the project I have chosen to do is based around the idea of pitching a new look for a brand, enhancing it and coming up with a new ascetic for the brand, this is very similar to what a fashion PR company does. During the summer I took part in a 2 month internship at a fashion PR company in Los Angeles. This is where I really got a feel for fashion PR and it is something I am extremely interested in looking to go into, career wise. Which is why I have decided to explore this more and bring this into my studies. I felt it was crucial to do some more research into Fashion PR to get the best results out of this project. 

“The world of Fashion Public Relations is an exhilarating, fast-paced field where the hours are long, and the work is extensive. Those who have mastered the skills of promoting fashion to a clothes-conscious public will prosper. It is a hands-on job, working with either a single brand or many brands, small or major, that’s learned by doing.

The fashion industry is not a minor industry. Quite the opposite, it’s huge. Furthermore, fashion dictates many of the behaviors and attitudes of the public. But it’s a full industry that is highly competitive. Although it is an exciting area, it is also a stressful one, particularly during Fashion Week, a most important week for the fashion industry.

How do you as a fashion influencer not only get the word out about your client’s fashion line but also make a public faced with myriad choices interested in what your clients have to offer? How do you make the brand grow? The role of a Public Relations Representative in the fashion world is critical and any individual attempting to explore this world must be proficient at the following steps:

1. YOU MUST CREATE A STRONG BRAND FOR YOUR CLIENT

What is a strong brand in the fashion industry? It’s the one image that every member of the public must have when they think of your client’s styles. Failure to create a distinctive brand will most certainly mean failure for your client. What skills do you have to narrow the focus of the apparel you are promoting? What is one or two things about your clients line that are distinctive? This is the single most important job of a Fashion Public Relations professional, and it is where all other responsibilities in the industry are born. The PR professional is in the background, but the brand must always be front and centre.

2. YOU MUST KNOW HOW TO WORK WITH FASHION EDITORS

One of the most important jobs for a Fashion Public Relations professional is to work with the editors of fashion magazines, particularly major fashion magazines. It’s the PR professional’s responsibility to develop relationships with fashion editors and their writing and photography teams. Effective buzz is created by fashion magazine teams to launch and promote a line. However, not every fashion designer’s creations will make it into the pages of major fashion magazines. As with all things in the fashion business, competition is severe. What can you do to beat the competition for your clients?

3. YOU MUST WORK WITH MODELS AND CELEBRITIES

New fashion won’t see the light of day if it is not presented by people who are admired by the public. That would include not only beautiful well-known models but also celebrities. When a celebrity wears a certain piece, the public, by way of fashion magazines and other venues, find out about it and want it. How skilled are you in working with models and celebrities and the agents who represent them? You will be expected to attend fashion shows, red carpet events, award shows, and other events that cater to your clients fashions. You’ll be expecting to do everything possible to get the word out. Here is where people skills are crucial. You’ll be mingling with some of the most important persons in the fashion industry, and word spreads fast. Failure to communicate efficiently and present a pleasing image will be a certain failure for your efforts as a PR professional and for your clients.

4. YOU MUST BE READY TO PUT OUT FIRES

Not only may you be expected to work with editors and people on the inside, but you’ll also work with customers, retail stores, and fashion companies. What skills do you have to make sure the customer is happy? What will you do if disaster strikes, such as a damaged shipment or merchandise that does not arrive on time? How good are you at handling complaints and keeping your client in a popular and positive light?

5. YOU MUST UNDERSTAND MEDIA TRENDS

Interviews, press conferences, and press releases are an important part of the responsibilities of a Fashion Public Relations professional. A PR person must keep a strong relationship with the media. The ability to work with the media in gaining continued attention for your client’s fashion is how to keep the fashion front and center in the public’s eye. While doing that, a PR fashion professional must have the skills to handle the tough questions.

5. INNOVATION, CREATIVITY AND JUGGLING MULTIPLE INTERESTS ARE INGREDIENTS FOR SUCCESS

With billions of people on social media, it is not an element of society that a Fashion Public Relations professional can ignore. Instagram, for example, is an active social media tool to display fashion to the public. There are at least 300 million people on Instagram who can be shown a client’s styles on a daily basis. How proficient are you on working effectively with social media or on hiring and overseeing a professional social media expert to take over the reigns of this important responsibility? Also, in addition to revealing and presenting the clothes themselves, the day to day operations of a PR professional is increasingly about giving the public a more intimate look into the behind the scenes details of the fashion brand.

6. YOU MUST BE ORGANIZED AND ABLE TO PROVE THE VALUE OF YOUR WORK

There may be everything from stockholder’s reports, media resources, market resource publications, press releases and client reports to manage. You will be expected to keep the system moving for your clients while proving your value, over and over again.

The life of a Public Relations Fashion Specialist is an exciting one for someone who believes in the fashion and who can sincerely commit to the lines represented. You must be hardworking, personable, innovated and organized to be a successful Fashion Public Relations Specialist.”

By researching into this has really developed my understanding of the PR world and has highlighted the most important skills which will go towards my project when looking into the chosen brands and developing them further.