#as it looks like they dont care abt u at all bro why bother

[exoqenises]

.

[oceanwithouthermoon]

i think its weird that i have to make this disclaimer but the internet is crazy so wtvr,, anyway,,

if i say i dont like something, that doesnt mean "that thing is bad and nobody should post it.."

i swear literally every time i even mention that i dislike something, people will go "wow does that mean u fucking hate me cuz i post that thing? ur a fucking stupid bitch and all ur opinions r wrong" LIKE ?? er.. no. just because i say i dont like certain characterizations of certain characters (the saiki k fandom is CRAZY about this cuz i can state an opinion on literally any character and a group of people will still go 'well only we're allowed to post our opinions about them because we're always right!1!1!'), or certain ship tropes (mentioned my hatred of toxic yaoi maybe once or twice on here months ago and people STILL get mad at me as if i said toxic yaoi lovers r evil or something), or certain ships, or WHATEVER, does not mean that i HATE the people who are posting them or that i think they shouldnt post them at all, NO, im just posting about my personal tastes on my personal blog and it would be extremely weird and hypocritical if i decided that i was the ONLY person that was allowed to do that,,

i think the only reason people assume that is because there are a lot of other people on here who ARE like that, and a lot of people toe the line between posting that they dont like something and posting that they think everyone who likes that thing is stupid, annoying, and wrong,, so i guess all i can say is, sorry for whatever made you make these assumptions but they arent true about me so plz leave me alone ʘ‿ʘ ur doing the same thing to me that ur accusing me of but i didnt do it in the first place so ur just actively being a dick for no reason

[skubean]

Omg hiiii. I was wondering if you could do a Saiki K request? Basically he meets another psychic that’s not attracted to him and she’s in the grade above so she practically acts like his older sister and fights off Kusuke AHAHAHAH

Thanks again💜💜

hello, anon! thank you for the request. i thought this idea was really funny since it's random but i like it a lot!! i'll try my best and hope u liked it! (i'm also really sorry it took me so long to do this)

psychic! reader fighting kusuke ft. kusuo saiki (hcs)

notes: fem reader, platonic, reader acts like saiki's older sis, just crack

kusuo was unamused, to say the least. here he was, listening to you rant about how powerful you were in comparison to him, in which he absolutely disagrees. but who was he to say anything? you clearly weren't listening to him, nor did you care.

he should've acted quicker when he felt your presence in his school, a senior a year older who was looking for him. knowing that kusuo could hear your thought, you told him to befriend you if he wanted you to keep your mouth shut over the fact that the both of you were psychics.

which is why kusuo is stuck with you after classes, and during recess (in which kokomi was not pleased).

a part of kusuo thought that you were one of the girls that were chasing after him (you were so offended he thought of you like that, the disgusted face you made was enough to serve as proof that he was wrong).

to add insult to injury, kokomi came across you ruffling kusuo's hair once, so now the misunderstanding just keeps getting worse.

tbh, you were doing it on purpose since kusuo was always so stone-faced and it just intrigued you.

in all truth, the reason you approached kusuo was to stop his older brother, kusuke from wrecking the whole entire world.

although kusuo doubts his brother's capability in doing so, he knows it's possible. he knows. because it's kusuke.

but what kusuo wasn't expecting was how much he liked having your company around, much to his dismay. having you around made him feel like he wasn't alone (in terms of being psychic)

and to be honest, you liked hanging out with him too! as much as he tried ignoring you, you just couldn't help but be around him.

and then the day came, and you had to face kusuke.

kusuke was 100% annoyed that you existed T.T like wtf you doing around my brother typa beat.

and you were actually right, the man was tryna destroy the world! so you and kusuo had to play kusuke's little game of hide and seek and eventually managed to win.

kusuke was amused, the least to say.

now imagine him tryna research on you bcs he's never seen someone on the same wavelength w his bro.

to conclude, now kusuke was constantly on your ass and kusuo is the least bothered by it.

your everyday life just got more crazier

-end-

a/n: i am so SORRY this took so long i actually passed out mid writing bcs i was so sick KJSDKSAHDK and then forgot i was writing abt this and im sorry this just dont make no sense T.T

[kurjakani]

FOR THE CHARACTER ASK THING!!!!! Im quite curious about your peter lucas thoughts, whats goin on with that old man?

SEND ME A CHARACTER AND I’LL DO THIS;

PHEW THANK YOU I LOVE TALKING ABT THIS MAN. I'm gonna say. I definetly have a bit of a version of him in my head - it's been ages since I listened to MAG and he's kind of taken a life of his own. Also sorry i got so rambly here man i. Ill b real im lik3 right abt to fall asleep but i got exited abt him so here i go nevertheless..m

Sexuality Headcanon: HMM like. Bi. I dont think i can imagine him call himself that tho.

Gender Headcanon: old man. Like thats a part of his gender identity, being old.

A ship I have with said character: w MEEEE. My mag self insert. Lol. But yeah i am not that into the lonely eyes ship, just. Bc i do not care abt Elias all that much! I don't know many ships that include him otherwise. I haven't seen mary keay and plukas shipping but I'd love to. Idk. Awful vibes i think it could be great. Salesa maybe??? But I feel like its more like. Plukas likes looking at Salesa and Salesa kinda forgets hes even there sometimes.

A BROTP I have with said character: martin please. Please martin hang out w him tricking him into thinking ur getting more into the lonely but ur actually occupying his space and u are drifting away from the lonely TOGETHER. Also if u guys have heard the tim & plukas behind the scenes jokes abt cayacking and train documentaries. Yeah that too theyre """"buddies""""

A NOTP I have with said character: haven't come across anything that bothers me !

A random headcanon: i am really split on weather he barely eats or if he's like, a lowkey foodie. Idk why.

General Opinion over said character: For me I do view him as someone HURT by his loneliness, though in the show, if I recall right, he seems quite content? With his existance. Or says he is, and how he's drawn to it.

I will say- I partially mirror some of my own experiences of loneliness onto him. I was so afraid of opening up to people at one point that I convinced myself that I WANTED to be all alone. I used to want to move into a little cottage in the woods and cut off all contact to people. But it was a self destructive coping mechanism. At points a survival mechanism. Maybe canonically Peter Lukas is a reliable narrator?

I recall him talking about the warm glow coming from the windows of houses though, and the loneliness it made him feel- if i'm attributing this right. And i have a really hard time contributing that to anything but YEARNING. And reveling in yearning. I also have experience w that. Yearning is a DELIGHTFUL feeling.

So yeah I think I do find a lot of comfort in the version of Plukas I have in my head.

Honestly he's burrowed a little nest into my head abd become something beyond a little blorbo from my shows.

Like i have thought about marrying him as a performance art piece. But i dont think rustied featherpen would like that.

Anyways hes the hands. I reach out to the old hands with swelled joints and paper thin skin almost translucent yet the palest veins i ever did see like they'v been drained. Bro. He is the medival manuscript where the sun orbits the earth and that's his eyes and where they land on me. He is so far away and like honey 2 me bro

[zai-doodles]

Ok ok last question then I’ll stop bothering you lol (but I eagerly look forward to anything you will say in the future about fairytail!)

I think I got your thoughts on Nalu, but what about other ships? You said Gajeel and Levy are your fav ship, could you tell us more why? What about Gray x Juvia? Do you have a least favorite ship?

(And don’t be sorry for rambling a lot/your posts being long! I really enjoy reading your thoughts!)

bestie i literally love u i never have the chance to post my ft hc stuff im THRIVING

aight so im going to make enemies with this post i can feel it in my bones gjkfdhgsfdkj

however i just want to say if u like these ships thats completely fine and if you read them diffrently than i do thats also dope

so lets start positive!! i LOVE gajevy sm its so perfect i just ljdghfkjd

no listen like the thing that gets me abt gajevy is how it elevates gajeel as a character SO MUCH and gives levy so much agency at the same time, like u cant tell me ft would have embraced gajeel the way they did if levy didnt CHOOSE to forgive gajeel in some capacity and like fuck imagine ur GAJEEL in this situation like bro wakes up everyday and this is just his life

gajeel lost metalica at a young age, and (i dont remember too much of canon but im pretty sure its implied he just kinda fucked around until phantom tropue picked him up which yikes) like this CHILD was on his own most of his formative years and then got picked up by a super shitty abusive group of ppl and he just LEARNED to blend in, like yea metalica made him kind of a punk but he was a KID so during those years he was alone he probably just closed himself off to survive and learned to prioritize himself over everybody else and to do that it takes a level of desensitizing urself to others pain

and like ok again im playing hard and fast with canon but i THINK its implied he like, had done a lot of bad shit with them or whatever right? like what he did to levy and fairy tail wasn't NEW, so when the events in canon happen and he ends up at fairy tail, in my mind that's the FIRST TIME he has to face how HIS ACTIONS DIRECTLY HURT SOMEONE

and not only thats but someone who OBJECTIVELY DIDN'T DESERVE IT

like ugh gajeel just,, having to learn to let himself care but also it fucking sucks bc it just makes it set in more and more what a bad person he is (he isnt but he thinks he is) THEN FUCKING LEVY PULLS UP AND JUST?? IS THE BEST???

she literally blows thro all his expectations of her bc at this point i think hes use to dealing with ppl being afraid of him bc that ssomething he understands and control, what he DOESNT understand is her being NICE to him and it makes him RESPECT her and its so out of no where that by the time the GMG roles around and gajeel has fully accepted the fact that he indeed has emotions like everyone else, ONLY TO HAVE TO FACE LEVY BEING SCARED OF HIM AGAIN

learning to put others needs above his own and being empathetic in his own fucked up way

ok enough positivity time to make ppl mad

gonna link my juvia is a lesbian post here bc it sums up a LOT of my feelings on gruvia but the tldr is that my personal hc is that juvia is a lesbian with a serious case of comp het from trying to fit in with other kids growing up and it literally was just never corrected until she got to fairy tail and actively started to form friendships

the main reason i dislike gruvia is that it paints gray as the one who needs to change in order to accept juvias feelings and not just cuz he needs to grow as a person and learn to allow himself to be vunrable.

like grays arc doesnt ONLY center around juvia but its a big part of it and juvias growth CENTERS around gray and we can talk about the the borderline misogynist idea of having a female character whos damn near whole identity is her feelings for a man where she never grows or learns meaningfully but instead just very slowly chills out more so from being sidelined than growth but i digress i just dont like them

last is jerza,, i just dont like em,, jellal is really boring in my opinion and he had a lot of potential but meh? his redemption is neat and his history with erza has potential but i feel like the point of erzas arc is about growth and moving on and while i think her and jellal can still be friends and have each others back she still has so much healing to do after tower of heaven

idk i dont see a lot wrong with jerza i just feel like its a lil bland and not my cup of tea

and yes queer platonic nalu is my life id die for them actually and i have more stuff about natsus abandonment issues and how they carry into his relationships with ppl but imma stop bc this post is long jgkfhgdjhfdjk

tldr: i love gajevy, actively dislike gruvia, very meh about jerza, love qpp nalu

[hirokiyuu]

ok i said i wasnt gonna talk abt conspiracy boarded oc on here but i think abt him constantly so lin (oc, short for insulin, Yeah) talk under the cut, spoilers for vace’s friendship 100 and peace ending stuff

vace is v fun bc even post therapy he’s still kind of The Way He Is you know. (in the pringles jar) and i think on the surface someone who’s easy-going is the easy solution but i don’t think someone who isn’t driven would appeal to him at all? so rather than easy-going it’s like... someone who doesn’t hold what he does against him

i do think it’s extremely funny if at first he dates people who are very much like rex and sol (assuming golden run where he and rex make up wwww) and then later on the person he ends up w/long term is Not Like That. these two things were essentially my thesis statement in making lin  WWWWWWWW

lin is essentially like. i don’t care if you fuck up. i do however care if you just leave the mess behind and in fact i care about that Very Fucking Much, Do Not Do It. a non-therapized vace appeals to him 0 percent past looks. a post therapy vace who is constantly fucking up but trying about it? very much his type. (get help bro)

augment is “clear-headed” -- doesn’t get swept away by his emotions, able to keep a level head in every single situations. essentially, there’s a wall between “him” and “his feelings”. in theory this means he’s got a cool head and is great at problem solving... which is true in practice as well! what WASNT part of the theory was, uh, the fact that bc he’s like that he’s not v good at dealing w/ppl who DO get swept away. kind of isolated from most people as a result but he’s dealing w/it.*

*”but ravh,” you might be saying, “vace gets swept away a lot!” yeah! he also (eventually, thru therapy) has the self-awareness to recognize this. much more appealing/interesting to lin than someone who has emotions and doesn’t bother. good at helping vace realize when he’s getting swept away as well. guy who likes problem solving his boyfriend’s anger issues.

robotics guy. mechanic for vace’s hand. originally helio affiliated, was shuffled into their engineering from a young age which is why he never had any contact w/vace before (abt ten? years younger i think) tho he’s heard Of vace. prefers to see what’s up with himself before drawing conclusions, tho.

hes the one who asks vace out lol. theres definitely a moment where vace is like “i wont ask you out i dont want to make it weird when you’re only here to do a job” and lin is like. ok cool. i will make it weird instead. go out with me. and vace is like.

good together for a number of reasons. lin helps vace when he’s upset bc he tends to focus immediately on “how do we fix this” (robotics guy) which helps vace channel his shit productively. open + good communicator mostly bc he thinks being cagey is annoying. v good at framing rship conflict as “him and vace against smth else”. 

on the flipside, vace being so emotive is like... kind of fascinating for him (guy who has Never Once been swept away). helps him get better at empathizing with other ppl + be more patient (lol). also on a practical level lin is not. great at taking care of himself (does basically the bare minimum to keep himself going) and mr i wanna protect the ppl i love! olivaceous is like. you are going to eat three meals a day actually.

THIS GOT SO FUCKING LONG ALSKHDGLKASHGLKHSADG IF U READ THIS YOU HAVE TO LIKE IT, IF YOU HAVE ANY COMMENTS YOU HAVE TO BE NICE ABOUT THEM ALSKHGLAKHSGDLKH

[icecreamkink]

watched all of the untamed / cql in two weeks after my friend 1 told me abt mdzs a hundred years ago and my friends 2 and 3 tried to get me into cql for like two whole years and there are.

feelings.

very first scene is a very dramatic death in the middle of nightmare battle on sith planet land . i will forget abt it in the next tenish episodes and then will be very surprised when it becomes Extremely Painful

anyway magic flying gays and possession and human sacrifice! we are off to a great start

in retrospect, chaos goblin wei wuxian must have had a blast pretending to be so cRaZy and be as disruptive as he could as mo xuanyu lbr

listen. why is fire always evil coded. cant a magic clan wear red, black and orange and have flame motif while being wholesome?

For Legal Reasons These Are Not Zombies

i wish the politics of the sect were a bit clearer, especially at the beggining when the wen clan had sm power, was wen ruohan the chief cultivator? is that why they were so slow in responding to the attacks? im v confused by the pre yiling patriarch politics

fighting in the roof by the moonlight as way of flirtiiiiiiing. as i understand this is a wuxia/xianxia trope and honestly...... thank u for ur service

slight bullying and being a nuisance in general, as a way of flirting we love to see it

wwx: if i drink on the rooftop, thats not inside the cloud recesses! hmmm check and mate :D lwj: i will fuck u up so help me god   wwx: :0

i lov them

through hell or high water (quite literally) wei wuxian rem ains a trashfire gremlin till the end and i love him with my whole heart

in the pt subs wei wuxian calls jiang cheng a stubborn duck and i dearly wish that had come back

my opinions on almost every character goes from love to hate u - Hmm Me Like U - BABY. ILY. and i am Very Pleased w that. its been a while since i loved such a complete cast so much i think

no really. i WONT go into a detailed rant abt what i love about each of these characters and each of their relationships to each other. but i COULD. 

some lan disciples in the loudest whisper ever: YEAH THATS THE JIN BASTARD MENG YAO HEARD THE GOT SUPER HUMILIATED BY HIS DAD LOL SURE HOPE HE DOESNT TAKE SLIGHTS TO HIS CHARACTER TO HEART

lan xichen, immediately: i must Love him 

being into problematic ppl is in the Lan genetics, we come to realize

wen qing deserves so many awards for so many things but not snapping and just stabbing wen chao is at the top 

that scene at lan qirens class where wwx talks about using resentful energy to fight a violent spirit. exquisite.

 It establishes Good Student lan wangji, wei wuxian as curious and questioning and not afraid of taboo,  lwj sees that wwx is not, in fact, a dumb ass hes just a Dumbass,  shows us the audience (esp. a western audience) how shocking the idea of disrupting the dead/dying and controlling resentful energy actually is,  the theoretical foreshadow arguing, everyone else like ‘shUT UP’,  “and how could you ensure that the resentful energy would obey you and not hurt other?” “well i havent thought that far” and of course, lan qiren just straight up lobbing a hard object at wwx head,. chefs kiss

fellas is it gay to bother the hot rule obessessed nerd from ur school and make drawings of him with flowers in his hair and then hide gay porn in his book to antagonize him and ask him to hold ur hand and be ur friend and talk to him all the time and get him drunk and give him bunnies bc you know he likes them and give him a lantern and always want his attention and dedicate yourself to getting him to smile-

and after all of that wwx rly said oh i Admire him, aksd like yeah we all were there in high school buddy

i have Learned. caves = gay.

 accidental marriage +beint physically tied together with the sacred married ribbon+ gay panic+foreshadowing+bunnies! in the cave (1)

the story abt lan yi and baoshan sanren tho. i would like to see it

early days wen bros pull my heart strings like a guqin 

EVERYTHING about the lantern scene; disaster hets jiang yanli and jin zixuan; how wwx made lwj a bunny lantern. how soft and touched lwj was. wwx gleefully pointing out he was smiling and lwj IMMEDIATELY PULLING HIW SWORD ON HIM LMAO. tragically foreshadowy promises to do right by pepople, living without regrets. lwjs 'oh no do i love him??' face. just. all of it. 

i have it on good acc that in the novel lwj is explicitly Repressed Gay Panicked Big Horny which is delightful and rly Adds to the performance

 baby lwj is really just conceal dont feel dont let them know u have EMOTIONS (derogatory)

jiang cheng rly went "why dont.u go play with HIM if u like him so much"

jc and wwx have big BIG annoying sibling energy dont think too hard abt it or youll cry

lotus pier is soo pretty :((((((((((((((((

up until episode 13 you could think this could be a magical ancient chinese gays pride n prejudice w swords and shenanigans ................youre just not prepared for the game of thrones of it all

seriously ha ha ha i cried so much w this show my eyes genuinely swelled up . like. physically. fun timez fun timez

that being said, its hilarious that wen xu goes to cloud recesses like 'come out or ill kill all these hostages' and then DOESNT WAIT FOR AN ASWER AND KILLS THEM ALL IMMEDIATELY. do u know how blackmail works sir

 would like to make it recorded that from day one i was like 'CALL A GODDAMN CULTIVATION G20 THIS ASSHOLE SECT IS LITERALLY MASSACRING YALL!!' and it took them like 3 or 4 massacres to do anything and they STILL sent their heirs into their territory  LIKE

when wwx cites the gusu lan rules to wen chao tho. that rebel/attention whore/cutie pie 'look lan zhan i DID memorize the rules after all' ‘also a big fuck you to the wen sect :D :D’ sweet spot that scene achieves . delicious

all the cultivator young masters being petty af even though they are practically prisoners at the cave is hilarious and i love them

hurt and comfort + gay mistunderstandings + watsonian gay declaration music + accidental evil acquisition! at the cave (2)

its like where do i start? the fact theyre both trapped and kind of heavily injured inside an isolated cave with a murder turtle? wwx gay panicking lwj into coughing up bad blood? lwj being jealous as wwx babbles abt mianmian? telling him he shouldnt play with people and wwx saying he never played him? wwx going Oh. I See what is happening. YOU like mianmian, and lwj absolute done face ??? (iconic) wwx touching the sacred married ribbon Again? the telepathic communication? the sword? WEI WUXIAN ASKING LAN WANGJI TO SING TO HIM AS HE IS PASSING OUT AND LWJ SINGING HIM. THE SONG. HE WROTE. FOR WWX. AND THAT HE CALLED. THEIR SHIP NAME????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

they are SO insufferable pleeeeease

in the words of my friend 1 : “CQL is so gay we were all amazed how it got past the censors Ofc unfortunately it can't be novel level gay But they did their best And we love them for it”

in the theme of songs THIS OST. WUJI HAS BEEN LIVING IN MY MIND RENT FREE SINCE I FIRST HEARD IT the whole ost is so so sO beautiful.

 the costuming in this is also soooo exquisite. the embroidery? the fabrics? the details? how every sect and clan has a distinct style and architecture? (also ik they based each off of dif periods in chinese history which is REALLY fucking cool) just chefs kiss

the direction too!. i enjoy the unusual camera movements and i think they give it that Vibe, also their composition is PARTICULARLY good when it comes to telling the subtext through position of camera/position of character (like nhs off to the side in scenes he at first glance doesnt need to be/ how lwj is often centered when hes Jealous Yearning at wwx being affectionate w other ppl, wwx return from burial mounds etc)

ik madam yu is like Badass Milf Check and shes not getting any mom of the year awards but im delighted at how messy she is. IMAGINE that woman on tiktok

you better have enjoyed gay cave (2) bc its Just Pain from here on out! 

jiang fengmian and madame yu win the Most Dramatic Way to show they do care about each other, actually ..... ever :)

i thought jiang yanli jiang cheng and wei wuxian forcing themselves to escape yunmeng barely holding on after their parents are killed was going to be the height of pain in this show. ha. 

the family dynamics in general on this showwwww, both blood/ adopted/ found families, brotherly bonds and lifelong friendships just. rly. truly. fucked me up. theyre all so important and complicated and well rounded and beautiful and tragic

and beyond being a Win For the Gays im so glad the relationships w wwx and jiang yanli/ wen qing were NOT changed from platonic bc they are so much better like that imo. like maybe if we didnt Live In A Society it wouldnt be so, but the fact wwx and others can love and value them so much and theres nothing romantic or sexual abt it is like. so refreshing. especially @ jyl, with the way he and jc are overprotective of her and shes such a nurturing/care taker figure for them, it would just not vibe as well if they made it romantic

i love that this is a story abt Wei Wuxian, the Yiling Patriarch aka Actual Satan/Boogey Man/Village With/Public Enemy Number One , my dude is literally a necromancer who only dresses in black and has evil smokey black tendrils wafting out of him, but the really edgy one is still jiang cheng, pastel purple fashion icon

and speaking of best/worst siblings wei wuxian and jiang cheng *immediately starts crying* 

The Golden Core Transfer i just. no thots only tears 

wen qing and wen ning putting themselves in so much danger just.... to help them. wn saving jc from wen chao. wq finding a way to get wwx to transfer his core. like thinking about the monumental work these two did to help wwx and jyl and jc... jyl trying so fucking hard to be strong and keep on moving and giver her little brothers comfort after losing everything... jiang cheng. losing his parents and his home and his ability to do anything abt it and his complete desperation and lack of self worth and turning on them with agression  when he didnt realize all that they did for him ... hhhhhhhhhhhhh

me, pointing at the whole cast “i just LOVE them mom!!!”

its sad tho, that BARELY ANY of the women have like.... actual important conversations let alone relationships with each other at all in the story. and like wq and jyl have stayed at the same place for extended periods of time, where wq actively took care of her TWICE,  and still! not one measly convo, nothing! ................ .𝓌ₕᵧ

everyone in this show need a good sip of Self Worth and Stop Sacrificing Yourself juice 

ngl the sword flying looks very dumb 

“a-cheng, please bring a-xian back.” “i will, i promise.” ;-;

the whole calling each other by the More Intimate Version of the name, first as teasing and later as true intimacy. mmmhmmm yes

untamed where everythings the same but wwx evil flute song is eoeo

related that scene when wwx comes back from the burial mounds for the first time w demonic cultivation and he acts all formal and calls lwj hanguang-jun and keeps being evasive and distant and mean and soooooo................. facetious 

and how hes kind of desperately trying to keep intense lwj at bay (A FIRST) and avoiding actually talking to either of them and its all tension ughhh and then he MOCKS his and lwjs relationship, he jokes w him in this like... mean echo of their usual ~banter~ oof 

 and like!!! uncertain but so relieved jc who just HUGS him w no reservations for once and its not like he isnt just as worried as lwj abt wwx and what hes doing, but he chooses in that moment to enjoy getting him back first and mmhmMMMmMm yes (maybe my favorite scene in the whole show? MAYBE SO. ) 

highkey hurt me but also. i might be into mean wwx. i will take no criticism.

lan zhans sad eyes tho :((((((((( 

on one hand i wish we could have seen what happened at the burial mounds but on the other the timeskip adds so much flair to his return so im hnnn

also i love that hes been missing for 3 months reappears kinda melancholic and bloodthirsty and knowing malign tricks and jc is like 'so. are u sad bc of lan wangji'

when ur bae survived the war but he thinks ur evil/ might be evil so you cant kiss :///

hmmm talking at the rooftop under the moonlight not mentioning everything that stands between usssss

they are the two jades of lan and we’ll be the two heroes of yunmeng is the type of line u dont even need to know whats gonna happen to know thats gonna be sad

when they fight wen ruoshan at the nightless city i thought that was the battle we see at the first ep and its not and its so easy and theyre all like ‘yayy we won go wwx!’ i was just. SCREAMS WHAT is gonna HAPPEN

so like. post burial mounds/sunshot campaign pre yiling patriarch wwx is like. ultra arrogant, ultra mocking, peak lil shit and it gave me e v e r y t h i n g i wanted

even tho having the wen prisoners at the targets at phoenix mountain and still having wwx and jzx shooting the arrows was???? so.... tone deaf 

wwx: fucking w demonic energy   jyl: he has never done anything wrong in his life, ever <3 <3 (mood)

the parallels between meng yao/wei wuxian (and even xue yang a bit?) are Seen and they are Valid

wwx post burial mounds: can yall SHUT UP abt the goddamn sword (suibian left the chat)

LIKE truly, we talk abt the angst and yearning with wangxian. but what abt wwx and suibian. xianbian / xianqing angst and comfort 100k

take a shot everytime someone coughs up blood

zidian is simply the coolest spiritual weapon rip to suibian and chenqing and bichen and sendou and baixa........ but tis the truth 

cons: everyones families died in a nightmare war! everyones homes burned to the ground! everyone is traumatized! pros: everyone gets cooler clothes and weapons!!

wen ning and a-yuan and yanli bestest babes squad dont touch me rn

everyone: brooding and fighting                                                                wq and jyl: why dont you try some acupunture/drinking some soup and calm down huh? how abt that bitch?? 

showing the battle/massacre at the nightless city first was genius actually bc then everytime we have a cute scene w yunmeng bros and theyre like 'we'll be together forever! uwu' youre like oh. oh no. oh no no no. 

justice vs lawfulness vs means and ends 👁

jc: stay in the right path and practice the art of the sword                        wx: yeah thats not gonna happen chief

my reaction to wwx renouncing to the sect politics to help the wens was just that elmo burning gif in succession

the dramatic rain. wen qing desperately calling out to wen ning. the ghosts/puppets killing the guards. how terrifying wn actually was while wwx was controlling him :( lwj goeing after him to try and stop him and then he just; he Sees him and understands him even if he cant actually do anything about it other than let them go. 

“there must be somewhere in this earth we can go to :(((((((((”

"IF I HAVE TO FIGHT THEM, I'D RATHER IT BE YOU. DYING BY YOUR HANDS WOULD AT LEAST BE WORTH IT." oh my god oh my god oh my goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooddddddd

also lwjs umbrella is white w black smoke.. .  . nice

yiling patriarch / demonic farming burial mounds settlement is like one of my favorite concepts. they an "EVIL" FARMING COMMUNITY LED BY THE VILLAGE WITCH COME ON

they planted TURNIPS and LOTUS FLOWERS and ONE (1) baby and made lanterns and a common hall :(((((((

wen qing and wei wuxian, baddest bitches and genius science best friends i absolutely LOVED to see it. they rly went ‘is anyone gonna sibling/project partner that’ and didnt wait for an answer

both wwx and jyl getting lotus ponds at the burial mounds and in lanling bc they miss lotus pier ;;;;;;;w

;;;;; wish jyl had actually gone into the burial mounds. we were robbed of jyl and wq meeting again and jyl meeting a-yuan and seeing the settlement and the homes and all ;w; at least jc did go, stab wounds and broken arms and all

wwx like... having thrown his whole life away to help the wens (yeah the sect leaders and jin guangshan in particular wanting his stygian tiger amulet was an Element but still) and not.... necessarily regretting it, but grappling with all of the consequences of it... becoming moody and drepressed at times, missing his family and lotus pier and his friends and probably simply missing being around people and causing trouble, extrovert that he is, lashing out at the wens and at a-yuan, just in general the whole messiness of that experience

the way the resentful energy does affect his temperament is rly nice bc its not too in your face,(i mean outside of the Shaky Hands of Rage) but like he clearly has a much lesser control on his anger and impulsivity (tall order) than both before bm and after hes ressurected

on that note A-YUAN BABIEST BABY BOY BEST BOY

lan zhan being like oh hey there wei ying fancy meeting u and our son here. just passing by u know how it is hmmmmMm and then PLOT TWIST having defied orders to go see him and being punished for it. oof;;

 they habent seen each other in like? a year? and now theyre tgt 10 seconds and are already parenting a child together

also lwj rly kneels down in the snow way too much to be healthy

wwx: calm down guyssss i wont lose control of demonic cultivation omgggg  .   spoiler alert: he loses control of demonic cultivation

did u enjoy cute children? good bc now the Real Pain Begins

jiang yanli and jin zixuan rly out there APROPRIATING both disaster gays AND bury ur gays huh ;w;

i KNEW jin lings birthday was gonna fuck something up but the GASP that left my body when wwx lost control of wn and killed jin zixuan .. . . 

im sorry and thank you aaaaAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaAAAAaAAAAA 

when wen ning and wen qing were telling wwx their plan i was saying NO NO NO NO NO NO out loud in despair 

also can we talk abt how wq is definetely talking about only the both of them surrending themselves but then? everyone else just surrenders w them? IT MAKES NO SENSE LIKE WHY WOULD THEY what would be the Point

 sometimes there are some pretty gaping jumps in logic and continuity that are just like                     ?          ?

wwx: oh so when you try to murder me its justified but when i survive through dark magic and murder all of you its a "war crime"

unsurprisingly, his most feral, most spiraling moment talking to the sect leaders on the roof and attacking them and even fighting lan zhan is among my favorite scenes... its like, so painful to watch but also   so       thrilling   (and maybe my wen bbs dying arose some resentful energy in me what can i say) 

and its JUST, all they ever wanted was to do good but then... war. and trauma. and hubris. 

jiang cheng on the ground clearly thorn between what to do and feel is a Mood, lets just say

i was already crying when jyl showed up, but if i wasnt-

 i suffered SO MUCH through this series trying to figure out WHY jc would kill wwx. and when i understood. its somehow not as bad as i thought and also MUCH MUCH WORSE

a look into my group chat during the last flashback episodes:

SO ANYWAY. after the BLOOD BATH and RIPPING YOUR HEART OUT and FEEDING IT TO YOU  the untamed goes ‘ayy back to the present!! tu du dud ud du’ 

literally it ends a quarter into an episode and then KEEPS GOING i had to pause and stare blankly at the ceiling for an hour

babie cultivators and detective soulmates . i do need some cute after All of That 

(not that the pain is over LOL)

lwj is significantly less emotionally repressed in the present and its delightful. hes just ALL IN with wwx. and not just in the ‘i would and have killed various men and risked my reputation for you’ but also ‘ur tired here have a drink i brought it up cause i know u like it and it want you to be happy, always’

“when everyone praised me and wanted my power, you were the only one that challenged me. now that everyone hates me and wants me dead, youre the only one that stands by my side.” hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhnnnnnnnnnnnnnn 

and just filling in the blanks how lan zhan searched for him. for all of those 16 years he searched for him and was punished for it and raised a-yuan, the only survivor of the burial mounds settlement, as his own in gusu......

and jiang cheng.  being the tough love uncle . having raised the yunmeng jiang clan from the rubble all alone, his whole family dead, some of it on the blame of his own brother, his siblings, his closest friends gone.......and only jin ling there needing his guidance. 

THE PARALLEL BETWEEN JIN LING BEING A LIFELINE FOR JIANG CHENG AND A-YUAN FOR LAN WANGJI AFTER THE BATTLE AT THE NIGHTLESS CITY  

great now i made myself sad

and like . the fact! that lwj and jc dislike each other!!. jc projects blame onto him for wwx both “leaving” him and indirectly causing their families deaths and when hes so consumed by it he makes wwx an enemy, lwj is there now? trying to protect him?? and lwj, who can never understand the pain that wwx , indirectly or not put jc through, but who was right there when jc tried to kill him and will never allow him to hurt wwx again. and how they like. in a way project blame of their tragedies onto each other while dealing with some type of survivor guilt and in their own way still loving wwx through it all???  amd in way its kind of fundamentally selfish but also tragically understandable? and like when u put it against the fact that after he disappears during the sunshot campaign they were looking for him together and fought together??

JUST. THE CHARACTERS. AND THE RELATIONSHIPS IN THIS. MAN. UGH. GOD. 

and like i think thats what makes it so good? its such a sad and painful and violent story, edgy even, but its compelling bc at the center of it there are all of these relationships and different types of love and hope and. :( i love it

enough crying lets talk abt wwx sleeping at the jingshi with lwj and wearing his under garment for a minute 🙏

 jin ling just has that Was Raised by JC energy tho lmao i love him

babie cultivator squad is the perfect ammount of cute and comedic relief while still bearing the weight? of the narrative in a way, both from sizhui and jin lings existences, and also. like. how do i put this. they feel hopeful? they were born after a war, they came of age at a time of relative peace, they dont hold on so closely to the resentments of their parents/father figures, they are specifically shown as more accepting and open minded. and its like.... Hope for the future  

one of the ?? things  i love the most is the fact that the main cast are often in situations where theyre hunted/running but they like. never wear disguises... just going around in their gorgeous expensive clan clothes and hair ornaments and distinctive spiritual weapons.... maybe w a straw hat on, just for kicks

wwx teacher 🥺🥺🥺

so this is why its called Yi City Misery huh

a-qing is such. an icon. im so sad. my girl even knew to leave xys dumb self rotting by the road but no one listens to her thats why theyre all dead or sad 

her and xue yang measuring each other up was so entertaining lmao

 its the funniest thing when hes like. HERES MY SAD STORY. FOR WHY IM A SADISTIC MURDERER. I BROKE MY HAND ONCE. 

like ok someone broke his hand in a horrible way, and like Poverty, i get it but also like.......... that lost the brunt of a proper sob story like, 50 sadistic murders ago bby

and i love that xingchen does not entertain that for a second hes like ‘not ?????? good enough???’ and the best thing is he wasnt even like 'u hadto be the bigger person' or sth but ' well then break that dudes hand back, rip his arm off for i care, what do the rest of us have to do w anything???” 

anjo sensato :(

xue yang is like..... the sexy sadistic evil version of a himbo..... a meanbo...

the fucked upness of xy’s feelings for xxc/ xxc and sl feelings for each other... like my dude literally gave his bf HIS EYES. and xy getting so attached to xxc .... the fucked up fake domesticity.... having him hurt sl..... then desperately trying to bring him back ...................... oof

song lan........... literally had his eyes AND tongue removed, his bfs eyes put in place, was almost killed, turned into a puppet by his bf unknowingly, manipulated by xy, sees his bf killing himself in despair.... and STILL finds the strenght to get up from there, and keep on traveling and helping people and attempting to fix xxcs soul.......... like, my man. damn. 

wangxian looking at songxiao and seeing an Actually more painful parallel for themselves. ft. that Color Coding. 

THE A-YUAN/SIZHUI REVEAL PUNCHED ME IN THE HEART but in a good way for a change

should have know that he would be the Best Boy the cute one w all the braincells

the butterfly AND the bunny lantern. i see how it is

u know is very convenient that no one can see the stark black veins on wen nings neck, ever 

BAT WEN NING 

wns face when lwj comes into wwx room like ‘:0 omg did u two finally get your shit together? good for you master wei good for u’ 

(they didnt) (yet)

DISASTER DRUNK LWJ. JUST. THRUST SOME CHICKENS TO SHOW UR RESSURECTED BAE THAT U LOVE THEM.

i have absolutely no idea WHY they gave lwj the same punishment for fighting his own sect/allies to protect the burial mounds as when they got drunk on cloud recess class days.... like? its such a ... emotional continuity error again

also is lwj gonna get an actual friend besides wwx , ever

mianmian marrying and having a family and a cute life after saying FUCK U AND UR SYSTEM TOO in a much less unhinged and dramatic way than wwx......... fills me w joy

also lol the idea that like. her husband not knowing that shes friends w satan/the boogey man/the village witch is hilarious

i love nie mingjue bc hes the resident Though Guy but also the most dramatic bitch in this show and thats Saying Something

jin ling cant have one uneventful relative can he

the fact that everyone present already knew “mo xuanyu” was wwx at the stairs is so funny, their faces are like ‘oh............ wow. that. sure is a development. shock” 

in the tradition of extremely loud whispers wwx tells lwj with twelve guards standing like one meter away from them: HEY PSH LAN ZHAN PRETEND IM FORCING YOU TO STAY W ME DO IT

oh my god oh my god

the absolute Yearning on his face when he leaves wwx and a-yuan at the burial mounds and refuses to stay for dinner was already Enough but the fact?? they brought it back?? to this declaration of love?? their expressions??????? strike me dead right now just go ahead

lFor Legal Reasons We Cant Kiss but we will have a very sappy declaration of love and trust and look at each other in way that is the actualization of 💞💘💗💖💓💘💞💗💖💘💗💖💕💞

also icb all the sect leaders and guards are standing there watching them say they like like each other with a dozen swords pointing at their neck

i enjoyed the depiction of the fickle public perception and how easily it can be used to scapegoat people. when the sect leaders turn on jgy and wwx knows thats its more for convenience than anything else...

poor lxc is literally like 'oh so when YOUR problematic boyfriend gets called evil its a misunderstanding but when its MY problematic bf-'

ok like i cant get over nmj let jgy play a song that messed with his temperament at all, like maN u KNEW he might be shady wth

wwx: “hey dont say anything bad abt lan zhan hes not an arrogant dick, thats just his face. 

ME ON THE OTHER HAND"

the cultivators as wwx is poking holes in their narrative is literally *nazaré meme*

"wei wuxian-!" "what did i break your leg, too?" not to be problematic but i laughed so hard

not as hard as "you dont have the rank to talk to me " tho

i Enjoy that, over the course of story, wwx sees that... theres nothing truly to Do, but move on. he saw how his arrogance and his mistakes hurt others, and hes trying to fix what he can, but he already did die for his mistakes and there are things he cant fix and that's. just how it is. even towards jgy, the narrative doesn't go gleefully and completely with "lets make THEM pay bc theyre the big bad" bc its not that simple, and it wouldn't lead anywhere but more pain...

re him and jiang cheng and the wens and kinda. isnt that what nhs did? scheming to displace jgy out of revenge more than any justice and doing so in the most painful way?

idk if that actually makes sense im truly just babbling

i thought the scene at the lotus pond would be CUTE but the context was PAIN again

jiang cheng finding out about his golden core and his conflict with wwx at the guanyin temple .... destroyed me but in a nice way kinda.... same way it destroys him look at his face oh god

and. the fact??? he sacrificed himself for wwx?? first?? and he'll probably never tell anyone much less wwx???? keeps me up at night

i havent decided if the neckbreak transition between jgy does sth super Evil or does he he does OR Does He yes he does O R does heeeee is sth i dislike or not

jin guangyao and wei wuxians most interesting parallel is that... theyve both seen 'hmm hey this system is fucked up' and wwx went 'so fuck it all i will renounce it and challenge it' and jgy went 'so fuck it i will use all of it to my advantage and manipulate it to my goals and whims'

the fact jgys mom was actually great and he loved her and his whole issue w it was more than simply being ashamed of being a bastard kinda got me ngl

never trust a dude with a fan.

nhs and jgy: the first rule to a convoluted and decades spanning violent revenge plot is to have fun and be yourself! 

when a-yuan finally FINALLY remembers ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;-;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; wen ning has someone in his family back and a-yuan has someone to talk abt his wen family and wwx has him back bc he survived and lwj raised him anD HES THEIR SON. THEYRE MARRIED AND HAVE A SON. UGH.

and theyre allowed to heal. everyone is allowed to try and recover and be happy

netflix put all of the 3 endings on top of each other and it looks kinda weird actually BUT I DONT EVEN MIND :’’’’’’’’’)

the gasp that left me when lwj says ‘wei ying’ and wwx turns.........

there was also a screen with ‘thank you mxtx for creating these characters, we hope their wishes come true’ and i might. have cried then too. maybe. 

that was . a ride. as is proven by this behemot of a ramble clearly i just really needed and Outlet. i am currently trying to convince dumb monkey brain to not consume the other medias of mdzs immediately bc i REALLY need to like. live. a life. and take care of real responsibilities.  *longest oh boi ever*

[dyketubbo]

intro post (cleaned up a bit.. again!)

basic summary: my name is dyke/eyez/circus/mask/whatever you wanna call me, im a minor, im nd and a qpoc, i use any pronouns but he/him (and dont like masc terms, including bro, dude, guy, lad, stuff like that), and im apart of a system.

dni if youre against any kind of minority (includes racists, terfs, truscum, queer exclus of any kind [yes, even mspec lesbian exlus], etc etc), support ccs like schlatt uncritcally/actively like him, are nsfw, ship irl ppl (even ones that are okay with it), do x reader stuff with ccs, truth ccs at all, believe fiction doesnt effect reality/are a pro shipper/anti anti, or dont tag triggering things like zoophilia n stuff. dont be romantic or sexual towards me at all, and dont talk about touching me w/o asking. also dont interact if youre fine with those kind of ppl and actively interact w them (only exception to that last one is if you interact w ppl who like cc!schlatt, idc about that as much as long as theyre critical of him)

i like benchtrio the most but keep up w/ everyone best i can and like analyzing and drawing. im really sensitive and kind of an asshole so. bare w/ me if i lash out or am too much or something.

currently we have small intros of us per member on a page (/systemstuff) but dyke n grass will talk the most (mostly dyke). ty for reading, i hope you have a nice day and if its late for you, feel free to go get some rest. if its daytime, go eat!! or hydrate if you havent.

follows/likes and stuff will come from @/cottonskittles, reblog/like spam is ok, i dont care how people interact w me or my posts as long as they dont breach my boundaries, i think thats it but feel free to ask questions if u need clarification. more stuff under da cut

hi howdy just some more in depth stuff

im bad w tone so like. if you make fun of tone indicators or think theyre unnecessary/annoying (unless talking about excessive use/people using them as an excuse to be mean n stuff) probably dont interact w me because while i can interpret messages w/o them my own tone is often unreadable so i use them for the sake of others

story wise wise i usually look for benchtrio stuff, but i also try to keep up with everyones lore! theyre all important to the story in some way :]. however due to the themes surrounding them c!dream and c!schlatt make me uncomfy, and i only receive secondhand info abt the torture stuff bc its uncomfy too. also im personally critical of c!techno and i know that esp bothers a lot of ppl so yknow. warning to stay away this blog might piss you off

dni wise dont be a bigot. if youre against minorities of any kind fuck off, dont follow if youre nsfw or make nsfw content of childrens media, uhmm for personal sake regarding themes on the dsmp remember to like. tag cult stuff, drug use (esp underage), zoophilia, pda, and cannibalism if ur gonna follow me. tyyy. also dont follow if ur uncritical of some of the things various ccs involved have done (this is vague bc i know theres misinformation on dream and techno specifically but theres still shit thats actually been done and of course uh. the whole schlatt situations), and generally dont follow if you outright like cc!schlatt (c!schlatt likers r fine). like im not gonna make a big deal out of it but i will at the very least softblock because he makes me. really uncomfortable. you can interact n stuff just dont follow. dont interact if you use the new pan flag its gross and ugly and i dont agree with why it was made. and dni if youre a pro shipper (even if its to cope- find better coping mechanism thanks im a survivor and it makes me relapse to even think about pro shipping, actively romanticizing pedophilia, incest, age gaps, etc in media and then pretending like its just shipping discourse is Fucking Disgusting and i hate it), and dni if you like genderbend stuff it makes me uncomfy

also this is specific but if youre nonblack and weird about aave i will fucking murder you. n if you make suicide jokes please at least tag them. if you tell people to seriously kill themselves or joke abt "do a flip" or w/e or find that funny then dont interact w me at all

non dni wise w/ boundaries dont use masc terms for me, dont like.. talk about kissing me or flirting with me or anything, dont call me smart or a good person (just a personal thing. you can use synonyms if you really want), ask before talking about touching me, i have mirror touch so when people describe physical touch in any way i can feel it and thats uncomfortable. dont call me a liar, anddd dont make too many sexual references w/ me. keep it to the level thats like, present in beeduo streams but dont talk to me about kinks or anything even as a joke. finally make sure to tag things w /p if you mean it platonically around me, its for comforts sake. feel free to talk or message or ask for other socials or whatever idc about any of that

thatsss all for now. i do analyses ig, also art. have a doodle of my sona to tide u over under this paragraph. sorry for rambling, im not good at summarizing my thoughts and i have a lot to say. ok thats all thank you if you got this far and read it all i rlly appreciate you /gen. i was milfsmp but i didnt want to take the chance that someone would call me milf as a nickname

[gunmetalgrey-trashpile]

SMS [ bucky ] : for @diabolicaltendencies​​

SMS [ bucky ] : i know everything about him, more than anyone SMS [ august 📷 ] : but good luck kicking my ass, id like to see it

SMS [ bucky ] : ive fucked over bigger people than u pal dislocated my brothers shoulder and he’s 6.3 u even got two shoulders?? SMS [ bucky ] : height isnt everything i got one and a half SMS [ bucky ] : so that’s half the job done right there Ur literally fighting with an arm tied behind ur back bro SMS [ august 📷 ] : yeah and ill still beat you ask august abt that SMS [ bucky ] : fat chance loverboy even my fucking ex was bigger than u and I put him in A&E U fought Auggie?? u really do have a death wish SMS [ august 📷 ] : we didn't fight fight but i can beat him at armwrestling so ill take my chances with you SMS [ bucky ] : he’s got a heart probably did it bc he felt bad 4u SMS [ august 📷 ] : oh no this was a fair fight SMS [ bucky ] : says who SMS [ august 📷 ] : me and if you ask august, him too SMS [ bucky ] : ill yell at him through the door although maybe he’s not so strong he hasn’t broken it SMS [ august 📷 ] : im rooting for him to kick it down i just think itd be fun but yeah see what he says SMS [ bucky ] : i will kill you and dump ur body off a bridge SMS [ august 📷 ] : you wish i liked it better when you werent threatening murder SMS [ bucky ] : tough titties SMS [ august 📷 ] : yeah i guess so SMS [ bucky ] : he won’t reply I think he might be sulking SMS [ august 📷 ] : yeah well you stole his phone SMS [ bucky ] : that doesn’t make him special i don’t have a phone what was I supposed to do SMS [ august 📷 ] : get a phone of your own? SMS [ bucky ] : gross -100 why would you even suggest that SMS [ august 📷 ] : because thats what normal people do SMS [ bucky ] : what am I then Choose ur next words carefully SMS [ august 📷 ] : not normal SMS [ bucky ] : :middle_finger1: SMS [ august 📷 ] : you asked for it and i was nice SMS [ bucky ] : I am a GIFT My presence is a PRESENT You are lucky to have any of my time thank you very much SMS [ august 📷 ] : am i? i mostly remember being interrogated SMS [ bucky ] : not everyone gets that pleasure ok SMS [ august 📷 ] : do other people keep a closer eye on their phones? SMS [ bucky ] : you’d think so but no I’m pretty sure my brother has a fake one as he’s less bothered about it SMS [ august 📷 ] : which one? but it seems likely, if this is something you do a lot SMS [ bucky ] : the politician don’t see much of the other two SMS [ august 📷 ] : yeah wouldnt be surprised really? i guess august said severin was a doctor SMS [ bucky ] : docs busy yeah baby’s song whatever he does mynameisuntoldYesterday at 22:12 i guess it's hard to keep track with so many of you SMS [ bucky ] : so many better get learning pal if you ever want to make it that far mynameisuntoldYesterday at 22:14 i've got a handle on what he's told me so far but yeah i'll do what i can SMS [ bucky ] : august tell you much about his side? mynameisuntoldYesterday at 22:15 a little bit - he mentioned his brother SMS [ bucky ] : Must not like you that much then SMS [ august 📷 ] : how come? he's allowed some privacy though apparently not from you SMS [ bucky ] : privacy and trust aren’t the same thing SMS [ august 📷 ] : okay yeah thats true but i dont think hes cheating or anything and if i dont have his trust thats on me SMS [ bucky ] : it is buckski SMS [ august 📷 ] : i am actually trying with him just so we're clear SMS [ bucky ] : what does trying look like cheating?? ur at the monogamy stage?? SMS [ august 📷 ] : yeah i think so SMS [ bucky ] : or is this assuming?? SMS [ august 📷 ] : half assuming half it's been long enough that i wouldnt be surprised given that he's kept coming back, im counting that as a win since he's all over the world half the time SMS [ bucky ] : wow sounds like someone needs a big boy conversation SMS [ august 📷 ] : probably but im not having that with you SMS [ bucky ] : why not im a big boy SMS [ august 📷 ] : because it's between me and him SMS [ bucky ] : I am now the referee of ur relationship do u really like him SMS [ august 📷 ] : that's weird yes SMS [ bucky ] : promise me i will fuck ur life up of you mess with him im not kidding SMS [ august 📷 ] : i promise SMS [ bucky ] : im an expert at it SMS [ august 📷 ] : you've got my full backing to fucking up lives? SMS [ bucky ] : google me you’ll see he deserves someone who’s going to put him first no matter what SMS [ august 📷 ] : yeah ill do that he does and i hope i can SMS [ bucky ] : so you break his heart you’ll live in total misery till ur dying day or I kill u Whichever comes first SMS [ august 📷 ] : good shovel talk its good you care about him and ill keep it in mind SMS [ bucky ] : more than anything pal you should be very afraid of me SMS [ august 📷 ] : ill allow you that id be afraid to see what youd do even if i can definitely take you in a fight SMS [ bucky ] : watch ur back I come armed which is easy in ur country SMS [ august 📷 ] : yeah dont fucking remind me not to say i probably couldnt come armed too for that exact reason SMS [ bucky ] : u shoot? SMS [ august 📷 ] : not much anymore but yeah army SMS [ bucky ] : wait that’s what you meant by vet ahhhhhhhhhh SMS [ august 📷 ] : yeah did you think i worked with animals fuck that's hilarious and that's why i can take you in a fight SMS [ bucky ] : shut the fuck up SMS [ august 📷 ] : no im having a good time SMS [ bucky ] : why was I supposed to think it WASNT that SMS [ august 📷 ] : because its obvious??? add the arm and you've got all the context you could want SMS [ bucky ] : you could have lost it to a big dog or a horse idk SMS [ august 📷 ] : i dont live near horses but yeah maybe or a rat theyre big here SMS [ bucky ] : HOW BIG SMS [ august 📷 ] : i knew someone who saw one that was catsized SMS [ bucky ] : yh good luck m8 of ur not a horse guy SMS [ august 📷 ] : definitely seen one close to that why oh your family yeah ive never rode SMS [ bucky ] : well now I want u to survive the fight just to die that way SMS [ august 📷 ] : ill survive the fight and watch for rogue horses

[gayspock]

dont rb / rply

u kno when u wish sth would be a comfort, tht sth would be alright, but literally......... any conceivable thing that can be said to you simply makes it al feel worse.... & you’ve een over it all, more times than anyone....... & it’s not irrational at all tht point; you’re left with the total rational & undeniable conclusion tht ur right to be this miserable & you should just fucking die.  u kno wht i mean. i dont fucking knwo i hatehte fact cant even fucking manage the bare minimum and for what like do u kno wht i mean fucking suffer, miserably, and for what- for what purpose would u have trying to keep alive? what life are u going to have? were it good, you’d still question whether it was worth it; but you know -deep down- the best u can muster is a hollow fucking numbness, and thts not worth it. it isnt worth it to try really hard for whats ultimately fucking nothing . i dotn know every single day its just trying to distract myself & am sick of it am so fucking sick and tired of bothering to achieve just a fucking semblance of coherent thought & trying not to meltdown and the pay off is literally just vacancy and ultimately shallow nothing . meanwhile everything is still rotten and im still a nothing and a failure and it was for nothing and if anything its worse- bc all of tht was jsut another day wasted, another day not fucking dead ... u kno.....  am getting mad miserable again just looking at ppl & wishing i could just have some semblance of  afucking life tht i gave a shite abt. but knowing i cant fucking do tht or manage any of it and just lapse back into sobbing again and again and again on repeat. and the world keeps moving & its getting further and further away .... & its weird bc it jsut feels like ive been nothing for years at this point, i havent done anyhting foryears and years , i’ve just been trying to cope and i dont know why or what fucking for at this point . its always i’ll try and do it when im better but im never better and its just getting worse! and worse! and reality slips further & further  but whats the difference between one unachievable goal and another more unachievable goal in the end like idlk am i really more alone than i wa sbefore am i REALLY more of a failure am i REALLY more miserable bc im quite fucking sure it doesnt fucking matter bc none of it was salvageable in the first place and idk i wish there was just something sometimes but if there was then this wouldnt be a fuckingproblem i guess i just wish something felt worth it, that at least one thing could be comforting,  but none ofit is and all i do is sit and cry about it and fucking plan and plan and plan allt hese stupid details & trying to work out exactyly how i can go without being found, because i cant stand that eventuality , but i never do i dont ever do anything  not even that bc what am i but tht, a failure & i’ll fail in that regard to and fuck it up too, that itself is too real and idk i dont know wht im going to do and i dont want to be here in another 5 or 10 years the same place i was 5 or 10 years ago which is exactly right here, wishing i was just dead and wonderig why im holding on and just praying it gets better because i know it wont i really just hope i’ll be fucking dead by the end of the year at best you know like god im jsut miserable in generalman do u ever just sit there and stare at ppl all just all colourful and living their lives and being happy and realise u resent everything youve ever done and theres nothing tht can do tht for you and ur just stupid and bad at everything and its not even a fun, oh at least i had fun, bc u never did u were just trying and praying it might fucking come  i dont fucking know i dont fucking know trying to do any of it any more just reminds me of it all and makes me fucking meltdow i just dont care who the fuck cares not i not i who gives a shite bro

[jewpacabruhs]

uwucartman hit me tf up i jus wanna chat. bitch ass callin my friends bullies & shit but refusing to address that this has never been about top & fucking bottom discourse, that's personal opinion but we've never started discourse over that

there, however, has been discourse over one damn thing, the same damn thing, every time discourse pops up, in fact: why allowing a character who is canon antisemitic to have power over kyle while maintaining his antisemitism is fucking gross. that should be fucking clear. thats all my personal position has ever been.

wonder why we've deemed mountain bad? cuz at least 60% of them, "kyman queen" included, support, romanticize, enable, & even fetishize cartman's abuse! yeah, being actively antisemitic, even casually, while in a relationship with a jewish person is abuse!

the stance of most tie-pines, at least the ones in my friends & mutuals circle, is that cartman needs to unlearn his antisemitism to be able to be in a healthy relationship with kyle, and to, hell, deserve him in the first place. that's our view on that.

countless mountains do not see the harm in letting cartman continue to be bigoted! why the fuck would you pair a jewish character you supposedly like with a character that continues to view him through an inhuman lense. yall do realize that's how cartman views jews within canon, right? everytime you let him affectionately call kyle "jew" in a fic, that's cartman calling kyle a word he canon associates as meaning stupid or an asshole - like how old white dudes view the f slur. it's casual hatred out of cartman's mouth, even when he supposedly loves kyle in fics or even art. not to mention ww2 aus are entirely a mountain fap sesh. ive seen many denounce them, but the fact is, only mountains seek them out or write them at all. & i shouldnt have to explain why romanticizing genocide is problematic lmao.

so why why why would you encourage that kyman dynamic? if you're yummy, i get why (we've talked to her several times, she thinks her white boyfriend calling her, a latina woman, slurs is totally acceptable, & she also thinks oppression isn't real and neither is the golden rule, so she's a lost cause lmao), but otherwise, don't you have the decency to go, "hey, okay, things spiraled outta hand & got accidentally super hostile, but maybe i should make an effort to research & learn & ultimately portray kyle & deal with kyman in a way that's not harmful, out of respect"? just bc it's the right damn thing to do?

anyway, the height and top/bottom shit and even kyle's features in art are all related to this.

see, i don't mind tall cartman. i mind that nearly every damn person who likes cartman tall, also likes him having power & control over kyle, which makes me very uncomfortable, given their canon nature.

i don't mind bottom kyle either! realistically, they'd switch! but i don't like how bottom kyle is portrayed by mountains. it feels cheap, yaoi-inspired, and, above all, antisemitic, once again! you're taking an iconic jewish character & stripping him of his personality, of his features, to exaggerate one or two of the attractive or endearing ones (his ass, his apparently-cutesy anger lmao), so he's easier to wack off too. it's just gross to me.

and finally, similar deal with his facial features. mountains (and i've been speaking generally this whole time; not all do this) have a very specific view of kyle that i feel is not canon and that, more importantly, erases his jewishness heavily. erasure is a form of antisemitism. deciding that his canon big nose and his canon fro hair don't fit the prettyboy look you want him to have, is antisemitism.

i know for a fact that lai & all my other close friends agree with me nearly word for fucking word, we've discussed this repeatedly. and guess what? some of my friends do like mountain! they like top cartman, they like short kyle. but guess what? they do it respectfully, so i trust them. i don't mind it.

so yeah, smdh at this uwucartman bitch refusing to talk to the jewish kymans even though all this fucking discourse, once again, same as six months ago, boils down to antisemitism. this is jewish people (and people who care strongly about their jewish friends + justice in general, in lai's case) addressing something that bothers them, & mountains once again refusing to listen. it's literally so fucking clear yall dont value jewish opinions and yall dont respect jewish characters, & therefore im deciding yall dont deserve kyle at all. i mean i cant stop you, but i want yall to rlly think abt it. are you doing kyle justice, and does he deserve to be portrayed the way mountains portray him?

uwucartman, u mad bro? talk to me. lets work it out.

[xllxxrbxg]

bro quick, reply. she's almost done making a 13-page single-spaced case analysis about you

good morning! i decided i shall make a brief surface-level case analysis of you guessedt it right -- quarloe! <33 so here's the thing, right. we shouldn't get all over the place. so let's start with his family background, of what we know- of course. Quarloe lives in a household wherein a functional family is evidently present. Scenarios that prove this are: 1) healthy family bond - he hangs out with his mom dad like they watch TV and stuff togETHER! CAN YOU BELIEVE SUCH THINGS EXISSSTT LMFAO. Also he reports that he is both close to his mom and dad. and even tho they are old, i think failry enough they still make time for karlo their youngest childt. I only experienced that when I was like 7 we were watching natgeo documentaries but now his parents are like 60+ yrs old, still together, making dough SO SO MUCH DOUGH, spending enough time with their children. ALL THAT he has all that. so that's honestly good. for him it will really solidify his character over all i think and it will really be a good foundation for him in the familial light. Plus, it makes him a potentially LESSER PROBLAMATIC PERSON unlike ng isa jan lol jk love u self! anw ayon nga so diba ayon don na tayo sa healthy family nya. Kasi they have all their needs, and he has all the resources he could use. From physiological, safety, love/belonging, esteem, and self actualization he has all of those readily and easily available for him. Man it must be so masarap sa feeling uuwi ka and you have all that. You dont have much to worry about <333 Good for him. Which leads to my second point 2) an individually healthy lifestyle. since he has all the lower tiers of maslow's hierarchy of needs, he can then proceed to <3 self-actualization <3 wHICH EVIDENTLY IS BEING DONE BY MY Babe go babe galeng. motherfucker has a bike worth 130k ewan ko nalang kung di ka sipagin mag cycle. anw ayon namaterialize nya naman mga resources nya which is nice. and I can see he takes care of his prized-possessions well. most of the time he is cleaning his bike OR his cleats. damn shawty. Plus im seeing self love and self care on this. He bikes bec he wanted to balance out his upper and lower bod DAMN SHAWTY YO I AINT KIDDING WHEN HE HAS A HOT ASS BOD BROOOO he's almost six pack ;-; CAN I PLS touch char. i aint kidding... he's tbh hot. on first glance tbh he aint. like i wouldnt get the impression or what. but if you look closely he's honestly a gem so idk why nobody was with him alr. bat wala syang jowa why nasa bumble. anyways another observation i have abt him is that 3) he is so defensive of his past. he mustve done something idk i shouldnt judge him for anything majorly in the past bec i am not in the past i am here in the present <333 with him. so i must stay there and not leave or wander or else we done. anyways idk what it is but i hope he finds peace in that and let it rest. theres something bothering him. and its a sensitive topic na im not sure im capable of talking about today. maybe if sobrang sama ng loob ko magrant ako dito about dun pero for now i'll let it slip thru my fingers for peace. i think yan na muna for now <3 third consecutive entry letsgo THANK YOU LORD I AM GETTING BETTER EMOTIONALLY LOVE YOU PO!!! <33

[toldentops]

so uh

there’s this dude that i’ve been talking to for a bit and he was a nice guy and all but he keeps being whiny on deviantart about getting rejected by girls and he calls girls “females” and I honestly feel uncomfortable about him?? he made a journal abt how he’s been miserable and nobody likes him and the girl he liked rejected him. deadass this was the second time he asked this same girl and she rejected him again like dude can’t you take a hint?? This dude asked a girl out, she rejected him, he made a journal about “hmm maybe I should take a break” the writes another journal about how miserableh e is because he asked the same girl out and gets rejected. Honestly what the fuck man, you expect me to feel sorry for you?? then he writes a journal about how he got a girlfriend after he talked about “getting one” like he told me he was just in a rush to have a girlfriend and that honestly bothers me bc he actually confessed to me once about liking me. It was flattering, yes, but it felt so unreal and made up. He just. acts so desperate and yknow I was skeptical about him getting a girlfriend and he told me yesterday “yeah I just want one in the future” like man I get it but that’s all it seems like you’re focused on. dude, like let love come to you don’t go asking for it. 

deadass he mentions everyone in the discord group “hey im single now” and it’s like bitch????/ it hasnt even been a week and he’s just BEGGING for attention.... and I told him “buddy why am I not surprised” like judging by the was he acts in his journals and when he talks to me, he just wants a girlfriend for the sake of having one

he just makes me uncomfortable in general because every time I get onto discord he messages me like “hewwo” or smthn and sometimes I just don’t feel like talking to him but it’s like he messages me the moment he knows I’m online...

I don’t feel sorry for him one bit. First of all, he’s got to get over rejection and not be whiny about it. He’s got to learn when to just stop. I’ll say that he’s admitted to his mistakes before about rejection but the moment he said that he had a girlfriend I just kinda was disappointed. 

deadass his deviantart page says single:looking  like buddy. come ON did you not learn anything at all??

More gripes down below, I just really wanna say everything

See the first time I ever talked to him was him asking for an art trade. He wanted an anthro milotic(which I said in my commission page that I did not do) and he asked if I did fetish art.  I don’t know why I took it in, I just felt kind of uncomfortable about it. I asked him for a mlm scrafty and eelektross couple and he OK but in the description he said male scrafty and ambiguously gendered eelektross. Now, it wasn’t much of a problem but still. I had learned later from him that he doesn’t care for mlm porn, even though he was fine with gay. Here’s the thing, I wasn’t asking for porn, and if he was ok with gay ships, then he should have been fine putting “hey look here’s some gay pokemon” in the description.

He’s also said to me multiple times about how hot lesbian porn is and I’m like “OK” but it’s so clear that he’s fetishizing them. He’s got mostly female pokemon anthro ocs in skimpy outfits and to me, that’s a red signal right there. it literally says in his deviantart “i  like to slap tits on pokemon” and I’m like, OOF....

it’s just so obvious that he fetishizes women., it’s gross.

he’s also got a foot fetish and yknow at the beginning of our conversation I was like well ok, and we both shared what turned us on and there was that mutual trust but one day he asked me to share photos of my feet and just the thought of him jacking off to my feet made me really uncomfortable. Every time I draw his characters he asks if I can show their feet. he’s also asked me to draw nsfw of his characters multiple times, Although I admit I never explicitly said “no” I always said that I was busy or whatever. I was never really against it but he’d always say u don’t have to if u don’t want to” and I’d say “yeah no i dont want to” but he’d ask again at some point like bro dont’ you know how to take a hint

there was always this uncomfortable tension in the conversation, it was always something along the lines of “hey (insert sexual thing here), and then Id be like “nah man im not up to it” and then hed be like oof ok sorry if u don’t wanna do it then u don’t have to but i’d love if you did” and it always felt like guit tripping of some sort. I don’t feel comfortable talking to him and I’d never know how to directly tell him “look I don’t wanna talk to you right now” and I didn’t want to make him feel like I hated him or didn’t care about him. but the more I interacted with him the more I began to feel skeptical of his character despite the many journals about how thankful he is about the people in his life and the apologies

idk if those apologies are good intentioned or just a tactic to guilt other people into feeling sorry for him or whatever. 

So, jump to yesterday where he announces that he was single. all trust in him and his relationship just. dropped. He DID say that the girl just wan’t ready to have a relationship so based on what he told me it’s not really his fault, but just based on the way he acted he acted more liek “hhhhhH she dumped me lemme make everyone feel bad for me Hey guys i don’t wanna talk rn but i feel horrible and  lemme just disappear” instead of “well she just wasnt ready and I understood that so we broke up” 

Buddy if you were really sad and you really loved her you wouldn’t put “single and looking” on your fucking deviantart page. That’s honestly the last straw and I’ve given up on trying to deal with him. I told him straightforward “hey buddy you need to take a break” and he said something like “now’s not the time to tell me this u made me feel worse now” tell me that’s not guilt tripping. THis event is what made me tell you this, I felt the need to address this to you, listen here buddy you need to take a break. That is the point I was trying to get to him. I told him he comes of as desperate, straight and to the point. He told me that other people have told him that too. Buddy can’t you take a hint, like, at all?? 

To be fair, he does make journals saying “oh im sorry about the way I acted and I need yalls help for recovery” and my only thought is “hey maybe if you changed the way you act then maybe this wouldn’t happen again, hence me getting pissed at his “single and looking” status.

also, he kinda just turned 18 so he’s pretty much an adult. I just feel like he shouldn’t feel inclined to have a girlfriend, and the fact that we talked about nsfw stuff at all makes me feel uncomfortable.

the time when we talked were nice, but I just don’t want to talk to him or deal with him, but I also don’t want to regret it.

If anyone wants to see him journals or our conversations, PM me because I honestly don’t know what to do rn and yknow he seems to be completely over it now

the least I can do is protect his name

[disableddisaster]

all of them :O

1: Do you have a crush at the moment?

asdjfsdkf a CRUSH oh boy

2: Have you ever been deeply in love?

fuck idk 

3: Longest relationship you've ever been in?

8 months or somethin like that!

4: Have you ever changed for someone?

yea it was dumb and i #Ragrat

5: How is your relationship with your ex?

im not rly super close friends with any of them but we are on friendly terms i think :-)

6: Have you ever been cheated on?

....... cant confirm but im pretty damn sure lol

7: Have you ever cheated?

NO

8: Would you date someone who's well known for cheating?

why....... wld u do that.......

9: What's the most important part of a relationship?

i dont rly think theres just one most important thing like balance is v important lol

10: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?

serious relationships adgasf

11: When you are dating someone do you believe in going on "breaks"?

i mean ive never but if it works for someone !! why not

12: How many people have you ever hooked up with?

2 ppl

13: What's one thing you regret saying/doing in a previous relationship?

i regret letting it go on for so long that was big stupid!!!!!!!

14: What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start having sex?

idk lol kids?? shldnt be having sex asdfasdf

15: Do you believe in the phrase "age is just a number"?

NO

16: Do you believe in "love at first sight"?

not rly lol

17: Do you believe it's possible to fall in love on the internet?

yeah i cant see why not!

18: What do you consider a deal breaker?

if u dont like cats u cant date me like u literally cannot that is unacceptable

19: How do you know it's time to end a relationship?

u can feel it yk like theres no defining moment i dont think

20: Are you currently in a relationship?

yea! 

21: Do you think people who have dated can stay friends?

ofc!! 

22: Do you think people should date their friends?

yeah its nice to rly know a person before romantic involvement but obv its not a requirement or anything asdfdsf

23: How many relationships have you had?

4!

24: Do you think love can last forever?

i hope so!!!!!!

25: Do you believe love can conquer all things?

no lol !!!!! what does that even mean!

26: Would you break up with someone your parents didn't approve of?

probably,,.... not but maybe

27: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about dating what would it be?

stop being a stupid dumbass ur 15 go outside

28: Do you think long distance relationships can work?

yeah!!!!!!

29: What do you notice first about another person?

usually their height asdfasd im v aware of how much taller ppl are than me cuz im so small :(

30: Are you straight, bi, gay or pansexual?

im a lesbian u fool, u imbecile

31: Would it bother you if your partner suffered from any mental illness?

sdfadsf this is bad like are u saying would it bother u that they are hurting or like do u think they are crazy lol like no matter how u look this question is dumb

32: Have you ever been in an abusive relationship?

not a romantic one lol

33: Do you want to get married one day?

YEAAAAAa god

34: What do you think about getting your partner's name tattooed?

,,,, bad idea

35: Could you be in a relationship without sex?

idk if i could tbh like obviously it depends on the situation but uhh maybe

36: Are you still a virgin?

no

37: What's more important: Looks or personality?

personality wtf 

38: Do you enjoy love films?

twilight new moon eclipse breaking dawn part one breaking dawn part two end of list

39: Have you ever given anyone/received roses?

not roses but ive gotten flowers!!

40: Have you ever had a valentine?

no lmao :(

41: What's your imagination of a "perfect date"?

im rly not picky but surprise dates are fun the other week i went glow in the dark mini golfing!!!!!!!

42: Have you ever read "Romeo & Juliet"?

if u went to hs u read that play

43: What's more important: Your partner or your friends?

u shouldnt put either on a pedestal asdgasdg romantic relationships are not inherently more important OR vice versa

44: Would you consider yourself "romantic"?

im bad at romance but i love it :(

45: Could you imagine to date one of your current friends?

no asdfadsf everyone wants me to date u tho

46: Have you ever been "friendzoned"?

FSJDSFJDS is this 2010

47: Which "famous couple" is your favorite?

me x u

48: What's your favorite love song?

asdfadf the louvre - lorde

49: Have you ever broken someone's heart?

i think so but fortunately i dont care!!!!!

50: If you're single, why do you think you are?

n/a 

51: Would you rather date someone who's rich but a douchebag or someone who's poor but a nice guy?

a nice GUY adfasd f id never date a man!!!!!!!!! fake q!!!!!!\

52: Are you good at giving other people advices regarding dating/ relationships?

no never listen to me o my god

53: Are you jealous of couples when you're single?

not rly 

54: How important is it to make a relationship official (p.e. on Facebook)?

not at all lol its more important to know where u stand w the person ur dating!! ojutward appearance is less important

55: Would you consider yourself "clingy", "overly attached" or "jealous"?

nahhh

56: Have you ever "destroyed" a relationship?

dont think so???

57: Do you think it's silly to consider suicide because of a broken heart?

thats called mental illness its not silly its important to treat!!!!!!

58: Are you the "dominant" or the "submissive" part in a relationship?

asdfafgsfg shut UP

59: Have you ever forgotten important dates like your partner's birthday or your anniversary?

i have a very bad memory bc fibro let me live :(

60: What's your opinion on open relationships?

do what u want bro just communicate!

61: Who's more important: Your partner or your family?

it rly depends on the relationship u have with ur family lol but again like dont put certain relationships on a pedestal

62: How do you define "cheating"?

romantic or sexual involvement w another person ???????? idk

63: Is watching porn while being in a relationship inappropriate?

depends on ur relationship i think - one of those things that u need to communicate abt

64: Do you think Valentine's Day is overrated?

nooo all iwant in life is a valentine :(

65: Would you consider yourself a "cuddler"?

YEA FUCK YEA

[haeroniel-doliet]

dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more. 

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya. 

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else. 

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm 

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah. 

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds....  ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other. 

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks) 

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!)  anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until.  yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...)  ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess) 

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade. 

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh. 

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.) 

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me)  but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that.... 

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too  ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that. 

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm  why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it-  idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk. 

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first)  i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway 

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” ) 

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it. 

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is? 

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully.