#as long as you do research and do shit respectfully i know at least 5 people who would literally throw parties over them

[selenealwayscries]

fuck you *puts your fairydog in hanfu*

[annaalexiswrites]

Hello! I was tagged by @reyes-liley , @lone-mezzo-of-the-mezzorealm and @millionsoftea !

Reyes-Liley questions:

1. When did you realise you wanted to be a writer?

When I was about eight and wrote a story about evil librarians that attacked the people who returned books late.

2. Who are your main OC’s? Are they based off of anyone?

Winn, Rosa and Clara are the original main OC’s, but Marianne and Addie are becoming increasingly more important. Winn and Rosa were originally based off of Whitey and Louise from Godless, but, honestly, they’ve changed so much, they’re not really the same as them at all.

3. What is your current WIP about?

If you want the full description, you can go to my WIP page, but that’s kinda long, so I’ll shorten it to: A girl runs away from her abusive father to a small New England town and makes friends and gets a boyfriend and the boyfriend has a best friend who’s in love with him and has a dad that abandoned her when she was a baby and is now back in her life and all three of them work at a diner owned by a woman who’s bisexual and her gay best friend who’s in love with her and everyone gets a happy ending, I swear.

4. Best and worst writing advice?

Best: Just keep writing, even if you think it’s shit.

Worst: No sentence can start with and or but, or said is dead.

5. Last line that your wrote?

“And, for the record, if you want more than one friend, I’m here, too. And I don’t like to toot my own horn, but I’m a pretty awesome friend.”  - Clara to Rosa.

6. Badly describe your OC’s personality

Winn: Heart of gold, overly romantic, respectfully can’t take no for an answer.

Clara: Hides behind a smile, Cartier version of Effy Stonem, raging daddy issues.

Rosa: Teenage runaway in her 20′s, cold and closed off but really emotional, better than you.

7. How often do you write? How do you find time to write?

Now that I’m getting into it again, I try to write at least every other day. I get up early and am on my computer a lot, and I don’t have a job or school or anything, so it’s pretty easy for me to find time to write.

8. What is your favourite genre to write?

Anything involving found families.

9. What is your least favourite genre?

Probably Young Adult Romance, which is weird because that’s what I’m writing, but a lot of it is meant to be romance and comes off as creepy, so I don’t really like it.

10. Are you looking for beta readers?

Yes! I don’t have any money, so I can’t pay you, but I would love a beta reader!

Millionsoftea’s questions:

1. Who is your OTP out of your OCs?

Romantically: Rosa and Winn or Marianne and Addie.

Platonically: Clara and Winn or Rosa and Clara. Or Clara and Addie. Or Winn and Marianne. I just really love friendships, okay?

2. What part of your WIP has been your favourite so far?

Well, it’s still in the early stages, I’ve barely written anything, but I really like cute and funny moments between Winn and Clara and Clara and Rosa, just kids being kids and having fun.

3. What genre do you like to write?

Anything with found family.

4. Do you listen to music when you write?

Almost every time.

5. How do you mainly get inspiration?

Reading researching posts on Tumblr, watching TV or movies, reading books, people watching, listening to music, really anything!

Lone-Mezzo-Of-The-Mezzo-Realm’s questions:

1) When did you decide that you wanted to start writing?

When I was about eight and wrote a story about evil librarians that attacked the people who returned books late.

2) How many WIPs do you have and what genre are they?

Only one at the moment, which is a Romantic Drama.

3) What’s a topic you’d never write on?

Probably rape or racism through someone who’s not white eyes.

4) Which character would you never kill, under any circumstances?

Rosa, Clara, Winn, Marianne or Addie. Frank, Rosa’s father and Clara’s father can especially go fuck themselves.

5) What authors did you dislike at first but then grew to appreciate later?

Jane Austen.

6) Have you ever gotten readers block?

Yes!

7) Do you think someone could be a writer if they don’t experience emotions strongly?

I think you could, but it might be more difficult.

8) Does writing energize you or exhaust you?

Both! It depends on what I’m writing and how long I’m writing for.

9) How many unfinished WIPs do you have?

None that I’m actively working on, but around two or three WIP’s that I started for NaNo and never finished.

10) What was an early experience where you learned that language has power?

When I first wrote a poem when I was about ten.

I don’t know who to tag, so anyone who wants to do this, just answer any of the questions I answered!

[ultradoux]

2020 Reading List

Because in the end it was a great year for reading! Just a list of the books I read this year, with comments that (maybe) get progessively more boozy as I go on

1. The Historian - Elizabeth Kostova: A really irritating read to start out this year (feels prescient?). Only worth it for the travel log features of places like Istanbul, Amsterdam, and most of Eastern Europe. Even Dracula was completely boring and useless. 

2. Howard’s End - E.M. Forster: Love, love, I will forever whore myself out for bright women acting mildly rebellious in Edwardian England, love

3. Les liaisons dangereuses - Choderlos de Laclos : Pas un seul personnage aimable, c’est magnifique, 10/10

4. The Brothers Karamazov - Feodor Dostoevsky: Did I read this as a flex in early confinement mode? Absolutely. Did I enjoy it? Christ no. If I have to read one more Christ allegory I’m climbing up on that cross myself. 4/5.

5. Chéri - Colette : C’était mignon et trop sucré, comme de la pâte aux amandes. Moins de 100 pages, du coup à avaler dans une gorgée. 

6. Pride and Prejudice (for maybe the 8th time?) - Jane Austen: Substitute “Regency” for “Edwardian” in the comment for Howard’s End and I’ll literally start vibrating. I want to be buried with this book, preferably with 90s Colin Firth, too

7. The Sorrows of Young Werther - Goethe: I go through more sorrows in seven hours of existing than Werther did in his whole life. Pass. 

8. The Epic of Gilgamesh: Ok, fine, I skimmed. You ever try reading a religious text out of respect and interest, not being very religious yourself, only half the text is missing and it’s been written so long ago that most of it is gibberish until you stumble upon a few lines that reach across millennia and sucker punch you? Similar experience. Hard to find a good translation. 

9. Mémoires d’Hadrien - Marguerite Yourcenar : Il m’a fallu une putain de pandémie, mais j’ai en fin (en fin!!!!!!!) fini ce bouquin et qu’est-ce que c’est beau. Yourcenar était un génie, ce livre est son chef-d’oeuvre, je suis tellement content que je n’ai plus à le lire. 100/10.

10. Dune - Frank Herbert: Ok, don’t come at me because it will only frustrate all of us (much like this book did me), but SNOOZE. A+ world building, but God, at what cost?  Timothée Chalamet could respectfully get it, though.

11. Going After Cacciato - Tim O’Brien: This was good? Like in the territory between okay and good? Just like a fine little book, albeit stuck in the middle of the Vietnam War. 

12. The Good Earth - Pearl S. Buck: Is a white American woman from the 30s necessarily the best person to write about rural China? Probably not, even if she was raised in rural China. Honestly, though? Still pretty good. 

13. Tender is the Night - F. Scott Fitzgerald: Do you ever get so desperately bored of pretty, rich 1920s people having pretty, rich 1920s people problems, like being tragically unfaithful or having too much money and not enough problems? No? You might by the end of this book -- but it’ll sound pretty while you’re reading. More engaging than Gatsby, in any case. 

14. Jamaica Inn - Daphne du Maurier: Reading a du Maurier novel is always trippy because the tone is like “I’m a plucky heroine and I’ll give them a piece of my mind!” and then the stakes are literally “I’ll bash your head in and strangle you on the moors and you can’t stop me.” Reading this book is like swigging moonshine in a soft, lace- and chintz-covered tea room. Gotta love it. 

15. L’éducation sentimentale - Gustave Flaubert : C’est bizarre, car mon beau-frère s’appèle Arnoux aussi, mais c’est une belle histoire qui perd un peu de son élan vers la moitié du roman. Je préfère Madame Bovary quand-même.

16. Wishful Thinking - Carrie Fisher: Who doesn’t love Carrie Fisher?

17. Shogun - James Clavell: Is a white Australian man from the 80s necessarily the best person to write about feudal Japan? Probably not (he was not raised in feudal Japan). But it’s well researched and very good. This unfortunate theme in authors did not continue this year, luckily. 

18. Chanson douce - Leïla Slimani : J’adore, j’adore, j’adore. Louise m’a donné des frissons tellement elle faisait peur. Impossible de ne pas se mettre à la place de Miriam; à lire, 100%.

19. A Short History of Tractors in Ukrainian - Marina Lewycka: A cute, light read that I stumbled upon in a bookshop (support local businesses, kids! Jeff Bezos will harvest your dreams like one of those shitty vampires from Charmed where they couldn’t afford good special effects!) Some of the writing felt a little more caricatural than anything else, but I liked the main character. Sometimes things can just be fun. 

20. L’ombre du vent - Carlos Ruiz Zafón : !!!!!!!!! Le livre de l’année, l’étoile de l’été, un gout de miel qui a laissé des traces sur mon âme. Que d’amour pour ce livre (et ce n’est pas que le champagne qui parle!)

21. L’étincelle - Tahar Ben Jelloun : Etant l’époux d’un Tunisien, je suis plutôt obligé de tout connaître sur le printemps arabe, et j’ai bien aimé ce livre. Par contre, d’après ce fameux époux tunisien (bisous baby!) ce n’est pas forcément la meilleure ressource pour en parler. 

22. Barbe bleue - Amélie Nothomb : J’aime bien Amélie Nothomb, mais c’est clairement pas son meilleur. Ça donne envie de boire du champagne, par contre. 

23. Les contes de Perrault - Charles Perrault : Ecoutez, je me faisais chier en août, et c’est quand-même pas mal. Merci à Barbe-bleue d’avoir inspiré tous les cauchemars de mon enfance.

24. La princesse Palatine - Christian Bouyer : BOF. Elle aurait été plus intéressante si elle avait eu des vrais problèmes. Profite bien de tes châteaux, betch. 

25. Things Fall Apart - Chinua Achebe: For some reason I started this one years ago and didn’t get past the first few pages, but it was totally compelling this time around? It truly is a wonderful (and tragic) story, completely worth a read. 

26. Rules of Civility - Amos Towles: Katy is the type of person I wish I was, I would look so good in 30s clothes, I just wish I hated NYC a little less (it’s not your fault, NYC [I mean it is but I at least feel bad about it])

27. A Room of One’s Own - Viriginia Woolf: Quintessential! Still a transcript of a lecture though. Prosecco is amazing! 

28. Le horla - Guy de Maupassant : Soyons honnêtes c’est plutôt une nouvelle. 

29. Alcools - Guillaume Apollinaire : J’aime pas la poésie, même quand elle est belle. Meh.

30. Consider the Lobster - David Foster Wallace: I’m so tired of this man being the standard for everything. I mean I know I ended up reading this but what the hell. He was just bored. He read a few edgy novels and he was bored. Come on. That being said, this was an enjoyable read. 

31. Doctor Zhivago - Boris Pasternak: Ok, to be fair this was a PAIN in the beginning, but by the end I had tears?? In my eyes. That very rarely happens. Love it. 

32. Censoring an Iranian Love Story - Shahriar Mandanipour: It would have been better if he was so convinced of what a great writer he was?? What was the point of the weird dead little goblin?? Must we read from countless men every day of our lives?? Must we????

33. Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrel - Susanna Clarke: So my Fenian grandmother loved this book, which is why I feel I have no right to go too hard on it, but at the same time if English exceptionalism had a literary form it would be this book (but like that insidious kind of English exceptionalism where it’s all tongue-in-cheek, so if you call them out on it they just mock you for being a rube. I see you, English exceptionalists. You’re only special because you’re on an island)

34. Go Tell It on the Mountain - James Baldwin: Christ I loved this book. Anyone who reads or writes hopes one day to be as lucid as James Baldwin. 

35. The Maltese Falcon - Dashiell Hammett: I was left largely unmoved. 

36. Alexis - Marguerite Yourcenar : Pendant six mois j’ai cherché ce bouquin, et une fois trouvé il m’a déçu. Alexis est gay, voilà le grand choc. 

37. Kafka sur le rivage - Haruki Murakami : Je ne suis toujours pas sûr d’avoir bien compris ce livre ; il faudrait peut-être le relire encore une fois. Mais ça vaut le coup d’être relu encore une fois. 

38. Le mec de la tombe d’à côté - Katarina Mazetti :  Super cute comme roman!! Inattendu, mais ça a super bien démontré le conflit de cultures même à l’intérieur d’un pays. 

39. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley: I should have totally read this in high school, but didn’t. I’d waste your time with a bunch of faux-deep statements about how prescient this was, but I’m about a bottle of prosecco deep and no one really wants that, right?

40. Ninth House - Leigh Bardugo: I am basic for reading this and I am so glad I did; very good stuff, I’m all in, I’m sure UChicago had the same type of shit, love it!! 

41. The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho: I read light on Christmas break, ok? 

42. Watership Down - Richard Adams: I’m not big on anthropomorphic, animal-based stories, but this really went off? These are some hard-ass rabbits, respect.

43. Sharp Objects -  Gillian Flynn: Intense!! Great!! Sharp!!!!!!!!!!

[sweetbirthdaybaby]

Rules

This blog is 18+ (please do not follow or interact if you’re underage). Mun is 30+. Please be honest about your age.

This blog is NOT spoiler free.

No godmodding. There is always some grey area, of course. I’ll tell you if you cross my line, and please do the same for me.

Hate/drama/negativity: 1) ooc homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, racism, sexism, ableism, and the like will get you unfollowed, as will repeated negative vagueing on the dash. IC “hate” will be evaluated case by case. 2) If you feel you have a serious issue you need to address with me, you can do it respectfully in the IMs or on Discord (see contact info below). If I ever feel I need to respond to hate/drama sent directly to me in my ask box, it will be tagged “wank”.

Following/unfollowing: 1) I only RP with mutuals. If I’ve followed you, I want to rp with you. I can be shy, though, and sometimes I may not have a clear idea how to start stuff with your character. 2) If you followed me first, please give me a couple weeks to check out your blog and decide if I want to follow back, even if I am active on the dash. Sometimes it just takes me a while to feel up to evaluating new blogs. 3) I will not follow any rp blogs that do not have their age listed somehow (21+, “of age”, etc.). Even if you’re dash only, you can easily put that info in your description. 4) I will not follow or interact with genderbent/rule 63 muses. If you just have a verse for it, that’s fine, and I might follow/interact, but I will not play in those verses. 5) I reserve the right to unfollow whoever I want at any time, and you are free to do the same.

Duplicates: Feel free to follow me! Russian Doll is a multiverse and many Nadias exist within the context of canon! Let’s throw them together and fuck shit up.

Nadia is Jewish (though she claims “not by choice”), and Jewish faith and customs play a significant role in Russian Doll (reference). However, mun is not Jewish. Should the topic of Judaism come up in threads, I will do my best to research and be as respectful as it makes sense for Nadia to be as someone who seems to struggle with faith. If I screw something up, I would greatly appreciate a gentle correction.

I tend to write para/multi-para rp. 2-4 paragraphs is the sweet spot for me, but sometimes I get on a roll and write novels for people. Sorry? Short stuff, one liners, text messaging posts, and crack often get dropped without notice if they don’t develop into more. You don’t have to match my lengths, but at least put in the effort to give me something to respond to.

I will more than likely drop threads from time to time (either I got overwhelmed by drafts, lost muse, or otherwise), and I might not tell you about it unless we’re close because it gives me anxiety. Dropping threads doesn’t mean, however, that I hate you or that the relationship our muses developed in any threads no longer exists.

My reply speeds vary greatly, from immediate to months later.

If you are not roleplaying with me on a given thread, please don’t reblog it! Do not reblog personal/ooc posts either.

Feel free to send me asks and memes and spam my inbox whether we’re mutuals or not! I love it! If you send something and I don’t answer, it just means I didn’t have muse or an answer for it right then. Sometimes things work, sometimes they don’t, but if you keep throwing things at me, eventually something will.

Discord is available for MUTUALS for both ooc chat and ic rp @ jinji!#6384. Please tell me who you are, if it’s not obvious.

OOC communication: I am a mentally ill mun that suffers from severe social anxiety that comes in waves. Sometimes I’m fine and will bury you in ooc chat. Other times, I’m very much not. If I’ve stopped talking to you ooc, this is probably the reason for it.

I don’t require formatting or icons for interaction. It’s all about the writing at the end of the day. I use standard text, and my icon usage is hit or miss.

Shipping: 1) I ship chemistry. I will likely want to write at least a little with you before fully committing to shipping, no matter who your muse is. 2) Nadia generally thinks of herself as straight, but she would not rule out sex or romance (verse dependent) with someone who did not identify as male if the chemistry was right. 3) Depending on what point in her timeline you interact with her, Nadia can very resistant to attachment and long term romances. 4) If you send me a shippy/smutty meme and we’ve never discussed shipping, be prepared for Nads to respond in a way that might not be positive. 4) Nadia is in her 30s and I will not ship her with underage muses.

Exclusivity/selectivity: 1) I will probably never take exclusives for muses that Nadia knows/has interacted with in her canon. I might, however, take mains. 2) Any exclusivity practiced here, if it occurs, is Tumblr-specific unless otherwise specified. Meaning I am willing to interact with “duplicates” of muses I am exclusive with here on other platforms (like Discord) in most cases.

Smut: I like writing smut, but only once muses are muns are comfortable with each other. How long that takes will vary. Nadia is perfectly fine with casual sex, but I may request to fade to black initially if I am not yet comfortable with the mun I’m writing with.

Triggers: 1) The canon for Russian Doll is VERY trigger heavy, including things such as death, drug and alcohol abuse, suicide, mental health, eating disorders, and more. I will try to remember to tag nsfw, and for other triggers as “tw: trigger”. If I forget one or there’s one I’m not tagging that you think I should be, please message me! 2) I don’t need “cancer” tagged, but please do not throw cancer plots at me, or just starts chatting to me about cancer ooc. This could get you unfollowed, maybe even blocked.

Other tags you may want to blacklist: I tag very long posts as “longpost”. Also, I tend not to use large gifs except in responses to ooc asks, but if I ever use more than one per post, or one that’s especially huge-esque, I will tag “largegifs”.

Please know that the things Nadia says and does do not reflect the mun’s personal feelings.

I do not ask for a password to be sent, nor will I send one to you. If I followed you, I have read your rules, and will probably reread them again before interacting. If I break one of your rules, it’s probably because I’ve read 900 rules pages and they’ve run together. Please tell me if that happens, and I will correct my mistake.

I know my rules are long because I’m a wordy fuck, but if you have read this far, thank you very much for taking the time. Know that I appreciate you. :)

Any time I change or update these rules (or any other info page), I will re-link to them in a new post.

[sweetbirthdaybaby-moved]

Rules

This blog is 18+ (please do not follow or interact if you’re underage). Mun is 30+. Please be honest about your age.

This blog is NOT spoiler free.

No godmodding. There is always some grey area, of course. I’ll tell you if you cross my line, and please do the same for me.

Hate/drama/negativity: 1) ooc homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, racism, sexism, ableism, and the like will get you unfollowed, as will repeated negative vagueing on the dash. IC “hate” will be evaluated case by case. 2) If you feel you have a serious issue you need to address with me, you can do it respectfully in the IMs or on Discord (see contact info below). If I ever feel I need to respond to hate/drama sent directly to me in my ask box, it will be tagged “wank”.

Following/unfollowing: 1) I follow from weaponizedembrace (this is a sideblog). 2) I only RP with mutuals. If I’ve followed you, I want to rp with you. I can be shy, though, and sometimes I may not have a clear idea how to start stuff with your character. 3) If you followed me first, please give me a couple weeks to check out your blog and decide if I want to follow back, even if I am active on the dash. Sometimes it just takes me a while to feel up to evaluating new blogs. 4) I will not follow any rp blogs that do not have their age listed somehow (21+, “of age”, etc.). Even if you’re dash only, you can easily put that info in your description. 5) I will not follow or interact with genderbent/rule 63 muses. If you just have a verse for it, that’s fine, and I might follow/interact, but I will not play in those verses. 5) I reserve the right to unfollow whoever I want at any time, and you are free to do the same.

Duplicates: Feel free to follow me! Russian Doll is a multiverse and many Nadias exist within the context of canon! Let’s throw them together and fuck shit up. 

Nadia is Jewish (though she claims “not by choice”), and Jewish faith and customs play a significant role in Russian Doll (reference). However, mun is not Jewish. Should the topic of Judaism come up in threads, I will do my best to research and be as respectful as it makes sense for Nadia to be as someone who seems to struggle with faith. If I screw something up, I would greatly appreciate a gentle correction.

I tend to write para/multi-para rp. 2-4 paragraphs is the sweet spot for me, but sometimes I get on a roll and write novels for people. Sorry? Short stuff, one liners, text messaging posts, and crack often get dropped without notice if they don’t develop into more. You don’t have to match my lengths, but at least put in the effort to give me something to respond to.

I will more than likely drop threads from time to time (either I got overwhelmed by drafts, lost muse, or otherwise), and I might not tell you about it unless we’re close because it gives me anxiety. Dropping threads doesn’t mean, however, that I hate you or that the relationship our muses developed in any threads no longer exists.

My reply speeds vary greatly, from immediate to months later.

If you are not roleplaying with me on a given thread, please don’t reblog it! Do not reblog personal/ooc posts either.

Feel free to send me asks and memes and spam my inbox whether we’re mutuals or not! I love it! If you send something and I don’t answer, it just means I didn’t have muse or an answer for it right then. Sometimes things work, sometimes they don’t, but if you keep throwing things at me, eventually something will.

Discord is available for MUTUALS for both ooc chat and ic rp @ jinji!#6384. Please tell me who you are, if it’s not obvious.

OOC communication: I am a mentally ill mun that suffers from severe social anxiety that comes in waves. Sometimes I’m fine and will bury you in ooc chat. Other times, I’m very much not. If I’ve stopped talking to you ooc, this is probably the reason for it.

I don’t require formatting or icons for interaction. It’s all about the writing at the end of the day. I use standard text, and my icon usage is hit or miss.

Shipping: 1) I ship chemistry. I will likely want to write at least a little with you before fully committing to shipping, no matter who your muse is. 2) Nadia generally thinks of herself as straight, but she would not rule out sex or romance (verse dependent) with someone who did not identify as male if the chemistry was right. 3) Depending on what point in her timeline you interact with her, Nadia can very resistant to attachment and long term romances. 4) If you send me a shippy/smutty meme and we’ve never discussed shipping, be prepared for Nads to respond in a way that might not be positive. 4) Nadia is in her 30s and I will not ship her with underage muses. 

Exclusivity/selectivity: 1) I will probably never take exclusives for muses that Nadia knows/has interacted with in her canon. I might, however, take mains. 2) Any exclusivity practiced here, if it occurs, is Tumblr-specific unless otherwise specified. Meaning I am willing to interact with “duplicates” of muses I am exclusive with here on other platforms (like Discord) in most cases.

Smut: I like writing smut, but only once muses are muns are comfortable with each other. How long that takes will vary. Nadia is perfectly fine with casual sex, but I may request to fade to black initially if I am not yet comfortable with the mun I’m writing with.

Triggers: 1) The canon for Russian Doll is VERY trigger heavy, including things such as death, drug and alcohol abuse, suicide, mental health, eating disorders, and more. I will try to remember to tag nsfw, and for other triggers as “tw: trigger”. If I forget one or there’s one I’m not tagging that you think I should be, please message me! 2) I don’t need “cancer” tagged, but please do not throw cancer plots at me, or just starts chatting to me about cancer ooc. This could get you unfollowed, maybe even blocked. 

Other tags you may want to blacklist: I tag very long posts as “longpost”. Also, I tend not to use large gifs except in responses to ooc asks, but if I ever use more than one per post, or one that’s especially huge-esque, I will tag “largegifs”.

Please know that the things Nadia says and does do not reflect the mun’s personal feelings.

I do not ask for a password to be sent, nor will I send one to you. If I followed you, I have read your rules, and will probably reread them again before interacting. If I break one of your rules, it’s probably because I’ve read 900 rules pages and they’ve run together. Please tell me if that happens, and I will correct my mistake.

I know my rules are long because I’m a wordy fuck, but if you have read this far, thank you very much for taking the time. Know that I appreciate you. :)

Any time I change or update these rules (or any other info page), I will re-link to them in a new post.

[fashiontrendin-blog]

The Complete Etiquette Guide For The Modern Gentleman

https://fashion-trendin.com/the-complete-etiquette-guide-for-the-modern-gentleman/

The Complete Etiquette Guide For The Modern Gentleman

Chatting about etiquette seems a quaint, old-fashioned concept, like courtship, landline telephones and Myspace. It’s a stuffy old word that conjures up images of sour-faced aristocrats sneering down their bespectacled noses at people for holding fish knives incorrectly, or something equally arbitrary and ridiculous.

Unless you’re a researcher for a BBC period drama or a butler for the Queen – and we’re willing to hazard a guess that you’re neither – these kinds of fusty, Victorian-era rules have little place in today’s society. However, in a broader sense, etiquette is still remarkably relevant. Because, well, we should all aim not to be a douchebag on a daily basis.

Consider this comprehensive guide your virtual finishing school, helping to equip you with all the essential knowledge and modern manners required to go out into the big wide world without making a complete and utter prat of yourself.

Quick Links: Dating Etiquette | Office Etiquette | Out & About Etiquette | Manners With Mates | Style & Etiquette | Gym Etiquette | Online Etiquette | Etiquette For Guests | Etiquette For Hosts

The History Of Etiquette

The story goes that when King Louis XIV’s gardener at Versailles discovered noblemen were trampling his flowers to death by walking through the garden, he put up signs, or ‘etiquets’, to warn them to keep off the grass.

But it turns out 16th-century French noblemen aren’t the most obedient bunch and eventually the king himself had to insist that nobody was to go beyond the boundaries set by the gardener’s signs.

Over time, the meaning of the word evolved to include various other codes of conduct, until we eventually arrived what we define as etiquette today – the rules of engagement for everything from a business meeting to Netflix and chill.

What Does Etiquette Mean For The Modern Man?

When you consider how much social norms have evolved over recent years, it’s little wonder the traditional model of ‘gentlemanliness’ looks more than a little outdated. Dress codes have all-but dissolved. We communicate more online than in person. Sexual politics and gender equality are making some long-due progress. And each cultural paradigm shift has left our old approach to etiquette in drastic need of an overhaul.

Luckily, the foundations of good manners boil down to common sense and simply being a nice person. In short: engage your brain and take a moment to consider what consequences your words or actions might have.

For example: is that woman you’re about to congratulate/offer a seat to definitely pregnant? Make sure you know the answer to that question without a shadow of a doubt before you go trying to do anything ‘chivalrous’.

Etiquette For Different Settings & Situations

Unsurprisingly, the way you behave when wining and dining a potential love interest is going to be a bit different from how you conduct yourself when playing video games with your mates – we hope. In light of that, here are some key social settings and a handful of protocol pointers to help you be the best you in each one.

Dating Decorum

In this post-Weinstein age, most men have probably given their behaviour with the opposite sex a quick MOT. The #MeToo movement is brilliant and long overdue, but it’s a mistake to think that it’s changed dating etiquette. Because that shit was never okay. Still, if your next Tinder meet-up has you more nervous than usual, follow these simple rules to boost your chance of a second.

1. Offer to pay on the first date, but never insist. If she wants to go 50-50, the gentlemanly thing to do is to agree. Or the other way to play it is to forget gender politics completely and work on this rule: if you requested the pleasure of their company, then you should pay. Done.

2. Take the initiative in organising the first date. Few things are less sexy than asking: “So, what do you fancy doing?”

3. Even if you can see instantly that a blind date is a blind alley, stick around for a couple of drinks at least. It won’t kill you, and they might be feeling the same.

4. Message the day after a date, if not sooner. Even a disastrous one.

5. Use a recent, representative profile photo on dating apps. That snap from five years ago when you still had hair and hadn’t discovered Deliveroo yet doesn’t count.

6. Message first and say something specific pertaining to their profile. As long as it’s not “nice rack”.

7. Offer your date the seat with the best view. Or whichever seat she/he wants for that matter.

8. Put your phone away, FFS.

9. If you’re in a restaurant, treat service staff respectfully. Being rude to waiters and waitresses, even bad ones, is a dead giveaway that you are a wrong ‘un. Your date will notice, and so will everyone else.

10. Don’t leave more than a day between messages if you want the correspondence to continue.

At The Office

You may not like it, but the grim reality is that you probably spend more time with your co-workers than you do any other person in your life. With that in mind, it’s probably best to do everything in your power to ensure that they don’t want to dropkick you through a cubicle wall every time they see your face. These simple codes of conduct should help keep the passive-aggressive Post-It notes to a minimum.

1. Don’t follow up on unanswered emails and texts within 24 hours. If it’s especially urgent, call them.

2. Don’t passive-aggressively CC somebody superior into an email chain. It’s the ultimate arsehole move (aside from BCCing). Even if you achieve your desired result, they will remember, and they will continue to make your life difficult in whatever way they can.

3. Don’t call people unless it’s really, genuinely urgent. Phoning someone is like walking into their office unannounced, putting your feet up on their desk and saying: “So, I just wanted to talk to you about…” Whatever they’re in the middle of, you just interrupted it.

4. Return phone calls. If you don’t want to speak to them, email. Or ring back when you know they can’t answer.

5. Don’t call people “mate”. I’m not your mate, pal.

6. Stand up when being introduced or when introducing yourself.

7. Shake hands firmly, but don’t overdo it. You’re not impressing anyone with your bone-crushing, kung-fu death grip, you’re just making yourself look insecure.

8. Don’t bitch about other co-workers. You’re not an overly manicured receptionist from a 1970s American soap opera. If you’ve got a problem, ask for a meeting or coffee and raise it with them.

9. Never throw someone under the bus in a meeting. If you need to give someone a suggestion relating to the way they conduct their work, do it one-to-one, in private.

10. You might love the smell of those steamed kippers you brought in for lunch. The rest of the office, not so much.

Out & About

If you’re no stranger to hearing phrases like “I can’t take you anywhere”, or are responsible for almost all of your friendship group’s collective eye rolls, you might want to hang around this section for a minute. These are the need-to-know tips for making it through a night out, or even just a trip to the shops, without showing yourself (or anyone else) up.

1. If you’re sitting in the priority seat anywhere (trains, cinemas, waiting rooms) and don’t need to be, then get your arse off it, pronto. Staring at a newspaper or your phone is not an excuse for staying put.

2. Hold the door open for women, men, children, dogs and anybody else just behind you who would be inconvenienced and possibly injured otherwise. But don’t hold it for them so far ahead that they feel pressured to do a funny little jog out of politeness. That’s not helpful, it’s awkward.

3. Don’t look at your phone in the cinema, dimly lit exhibition or the like. Even if you’re bored. You may as well light a distress flare.

4. Don’t broadcast videos or music in public. When did this become acceptable? Answer: it never did.

5. Use common sense when deciding whether or not to give your seat up for someone. Most will appreciate the offer, but some may think you’re insinuating that he or she is out of shape or old. If in doubt, don’t take up a seat in the first place.

6. Need to get out of your window seat to use the aeroplane toilet? Gently tap the person next to you on the shoulder to let them know you want out. Don’t try to clamber over them while they sleep. If you hit turbulence and end up in their lap, it won’t go down well.

7. Give the person in front of you some space at the cash point.

8. Don’t bellow down your phone in public places. Nobody cares about your conversation apart from you and maybe the person on the other end of the line. Maybe.

9. Don’t outstay your welcome in the coffee shop. The purchase of one flat white at 9:30am does not entitle you to a rent-free workspace for the remainder of the day/week/month.

10. Control your temper. Flying off the handle in public makes you look like a toddler having a tantrum. Probably not the best vibe to replicate as a fully-grown, adult man.

Manners With Mates

‘Manners’ and ‘mates’ aren’t two words that always go together. But while it may be cool to laugh at each other and tell mum jokes in each other’s company, there are still a few things you should bear in mind when it comes to how you treat even your nearest and dearest pals.

1. Pay your way. Skipping rounds or over-ordering when you know you’re splitting the bill is textbook douchebag behaviour. And while nobody said anything, everybody noticed, and they all hate you for it.

2. If someone tells you some good news – a new job, the birth of their child – don’t steal their thunder by publicly congratulating them on social media before they’ve posted it themselves. They might not want to announce it yet or in that way. And whatever you do, don’t post the picture of their baby that they sent you. At least not without asking.

3. It doesn’t matter if you’re 5-0 down after 89 minutes and your opponent is showboating like it’s a Barcelona training session, or 1-0 down after five minutes and they’re just passing it around the back. Never, ever quit a game of Fifa. This is an absolutely inviolable rule.

4. Got a pal who’s moving house? If you live nearby and are free that weekend, you’re duty bound to help them out. Just as they are duty-bound to get the pizza and cans in once you’re finished.

5. A mate’s ex is always off limits. Now, in a year, in five years. Even if they’ve said they don’t mind, they do.

6. Don’t borrow money unless you have to. And when you do, always make sure it is paid back on time and in full.

7. Never under any circumstances poke fun at a friend to make yourself look good. If you do, then you’re not much of a friend, are you?

8. You know that mate who always pays up front for the five-a-side pitch rental or the stag do accommodation? Reimburse them promptly and next time, pip him to it.

9. In a group of mates, don’t let one person do all the organisational work. If you’re going on a group holiday, help to plan. Don’t just sit back. They’re probably getting sick of organising your life for you.

10. Granted, you have a little more leeway with your mates when it comes to rocking up late than you would on a date, but don’t waste their time. Because they don’t have any more of it than you do.

On Matters Of Style

Tom Ford once famously said that “dressing well is a form of good manners”. And while that may sound like a load of codswallop, there are some links to be made between good etiquette and good dressing. So, before you rock up to your next black tie optional soiree in a hoodie and a pair of joggers, take some time to reacquaint yourself with the rules.

1. In a modern world of caps that are as well-cut (and often from the same material) as your best overcoat, taking your hat off indoors is somewhat outdated. Just use the head it’s sitting on to decide when and where it’s acceptable. A wedding: no. In a burger bar: yes.

2. ‘Black tie optional’ doesn’t give you carte blanche to rock up to an event in swimming trunks, a football shirt and a cowboy hat. It just means you have the option to wear either a dinner suit or a dark suit.

3. Giving unsolicited style advice is the same as saying: “I don’t like what you’re wearing.”

4. Like your friend’s new jacket? Great, tell them. A compliment can make someone’s day. However, imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery. Ask before ripping them off and buying the same one.

5. Take off your sunglasses indoors and at night. No exceptions.

6. If you’re going somewhere nice for drinks, don’t be the guy who gets the whole group turned away because he decided his right to wear running shoes was more important than everyone else’s night out.

7. When it comes to tailoring, know your measurements like you know your PIN number. The fit is everything. “That’ll do,” should not even be in your vocabulary.

8. If you’re unsure of how formal an event is, always dress up rather than down. You’d rather be the only guy in a shirt and tie than the only guy in a T-shirt and shorts.

9. It’s common knowledge that female guests should never wear white to a wedding so as not to steal attention away from the bride. As a man, you should do the same. We’re not saying don’t wear a white dress (that much should be obvious), but do avoid stepping on the groom’s toes style-wise.

10. If your partner asks whether or not something looks good on them, it always does.

The Gym Code

For a newcomer, the gym can be a confusing place. What does this medieval-looking contraption do? Is it socially acceptable to take my boxers off in the changing room? Why is that giant man with the spider web tattoo on his chin grunting like that? The answers to the majority of these sorts of questions can be found right here. Stick to these gym etiquette tips, and you’ll blend right in. Well, maybe not with the spider tattoo guy.

1. Don’t play on your phone while hogging a machine or bench. If the gym is busy, let someone else sit in between sets rather than taking up space fiddling on Facebook.

2. Always wipe down any equipment after you’ve finished using it. Nobody wants to find a sweaty arse-print planted on the seat of whatever machine they are trying to use.

3. Put things away once you’re finished with them. Barbells are the perfect shape for someone to trip over and hurt themselves. Don’t let it be your fault.

4. Don’t roar and loudly drop your weights at the end of a set. You aren’t the Incredible Hulk, even if you do smell a bit like him.

5. See those big floor-to-ceiling mirrors? They’re for studying your form. And by that we don’t mean the horseshoe shape of your triceps, big guy.

6. Remember those video game levels where you’d have to make it past a series of swinging obstacles or be knocked to your death? That’s the environment you’re replicating for everyone when you do your kettlebell workout next to the treadmills. Find your own space and leave others to theirs.

7. Be clean and wear clean clothes. Nobody wants or deserves a waft of your #gains every time you lift your arms up to do a rep. Your gym kit bag should be emptied every time you use it.

8. Stay out of a lifter’s ‘bubble’. Unless you’re spotting them, you need to give anyone using the squat rack, bench, or lifting platform a buffer zone of a few feet.

9. Don’t stare.

10. Never give out unsolicited training advice, or if someone gives some to you, simply smile, thank them and continue your workout exactly how you were doing it before they stuck their nose in.

Net-iquette

It’s easy to forget that interactions on social media are probably the most visible and public interactions we have. Maybe you’re attempting to slide into someone’s DMs. Perhaps you just want to join the #conversation. Whatever. Brush up your online etiquette using the advice below and avoid making a twit of yourself on Twitter, or a dick anywhere else.

1. Learn your privacy settings inside out before getting trigger happy. Do you honestly want your boss (or potential employer) to see that photo of you drinking Carlsberg out of a shoe at university? In fact…

2. Think carefully before letting co-workers, bosses or relatives into your social media bubble. Sometimes what is seen cannot be unseen.

3. When it comes to online homewreckers, Instagram is up there with Ashley Madison. What are you gaining from leaving a double tap and a tongue emoji on a randomer’s post? Nothing. Cut it out.

4. Don’t hang your dirty laundry out to dry online. Your arguments are your business. Don’t make them everyone else’s; you’ll always come off worse.

5. Don’t tag people in photos they clearly wouldn’t want to be tagged in and don’t post a picture just because you look good if your mate or, worse, significant other doesn’t.

6. Keep your politics to yourself (or at least certain times of day on Twitter). There’s no better way to put people’s backs up than with incessant political rants.

7. Not everyone is as interested in your baby as you are.

8. Had a few drinks? Fine, as long as you don’t start posting. It’s the drunk dialling of the modern day and equally hideous.

9. Don’t fire out friend requests to people who don’t know you personally without a note explaining who you are. If you do send unsolicited friend requests to strangers, don’t be surprised when you don’t get anything back.

10. Don’t like or comment on old photos or posts. It’s weird and stalker-ish.

As A Guest

There are special rules for when you’re in somebody else’s home. So before you go barging in there with your half bottle of supermarket wine, traipsing mud and dirt onto the hallway carpet, take a minute to get familiar with the manners that maketh the guest, or expect never to return.

1. Don’t even think about arriving empty-handed, even if the host hasn’t asked you to bring anything. A decent bottle of wine is never unappreciated.

2. Offer to help with dinner (or anything for that matter). Nine times out of 10 your host won’t let you get your hands dirty, but it’s the thought that counts, eh?

3. If you’re staying over, don’t turn the guest room into a bomb site with used underwear and wet towels strewn about the floor.

4. Familiarise yourself with the house rules. Are shoes allowed? What dishes can and can’t go in the dishwasher? Should you leave the door unlocked? Get to know it all straight away to make your presence as stress-free as possible.

5. Don’t arrive too early. This is the perfect way to freak your host out.

6. Equally, be careful not to outstay your welcome.

7. If you have stayed anywhere for a prolonged period, offer to take your host out for dinner or at least cook as a way of saying thank you. If in a pinch, a bottle of their favourite spirit wouldn’t go amiss.

8. Pack a dressing gown. You don’t want to have to jog nervously from the bathroom to the bedroom every morning, bollocks to the breeze, covering your plums with both hands.

9. Don’t expect your hosts to cater to any ridiculous dietary requirements you may have. Allergies? Fine. But “Oh sorry, I can eat that. It’s got salt in it.” Get out.

10. At the end of your stay, make sure the room you stayed in is spotless, strip the bed and offer to load the linen into the washing machine.

As A Host

As a host, your primary aim is to make your guests feel at home and leave wishing they could stay longer. Here are a few hosting etiquette hints to help keep you on the right track and ensure that people go away talking about their visit for all the right reasons.

1. Always greet your guests at the door and make them feel welcome in your home immediately.

2. Take people’s coats and jackets for them and tell them where they are should they need them.

3. Circulate, participate in conversations and introduce your guests to one another, especially anyone who has come on their own and may not know anyone.

4. Make sure everyone’s drinks are topped up. Half-pissed guests are way easier to impress anyway.

5. If you’re having a large number of guests over, you can probably knock the ‘shoes off at the door’ policy on the head. There’s something a bit weird about a big party where nobody has their shoes on.

6. You shouldn’t be expected to cater to particularly unusual dietary habits, but it wouldn’t hurt to do a veggie option if you know that one or more of your guests aren’t meat lovers.

7. Don’t just play music you like, but don’t make it a free-for-all or you risk people cutting off songs halfway through to play their own. Assess the crowd and the mood and make a playlist accordingly.

8. If having guests to stay, make sure their room is tidy and that the bed linen is fresh.

9. Everyone loves a drink, but also ensure you’re stocked with alternatives for those who are driving and guests’ children. The last thing you want is a bunch of wasted kids running riot.

10. Always see your guests out and thank them for coming.