#as someone who’ve read the comics WAY before they even announced a show

[sockdooe]

My god heart stopper is so goooodddddd

I’ve watched it twice which isn’t a lot but STILLLL

ITS SO SWEETTTTTT AND SAPPPYYY AND GAYYYYY

[andcurioser]

So. Let’s talk about Veronica Mars. *deeeeeeeep sigh*

Ok, friends. It’s been a goddamn whirlwind for me. I actually went to the Veronica Mars panel at Comic Con, which I thought was a highlight at the time. They screened the first episode before the panel, and I was all ready to report back to you all that it was real good and to get excited for the new season, but then Hulu had to go and drop the whole damn series during the CC panel, which was a STUPID thing to do (or, at the very least, an extremely stupid thing to announce to the panel at Comic Con - the exact people who would not be able to watch it until after Comic Con, putting them at risk for some really big fucking spoilers. It’s genuinely surprising to me how little the people who are in charge think about these things. If you want to do a surprise drop (which, why, but whatever), sure, go and do it, but definitely don’t announce it to a room full of people who can’t enjoy it and expect them to be excited??). But regardless. That was just a wtf moment. I was still filled with enthusiasm and excitement and happiness that this show was back and seemed to be in good form. 

Oy. 

Cut to Tuesday morning. I got back from Comic Con on Sunday night, and life goes on, so of course I hadn’t watched 8 hours of TV by Tuesday at 7AM. Which is precisely when my dear friend, whom I adore, but who is apparently an idiot, texted me about how terrible that VM ending was and how upset she was. Now, because I’m a good friend and I know what she likes and we’ve discussed VM at length, it took me all of four seconds to know the gist of what happens in the end. I didn’t know the how or why, but I certainly knew the what. Cue fun spikes of anxiety and random bursts of rage, because what the fuck. Truly, what the fuck. But I placed my certainty at 99% and hopelessly clung to the 1% chance that I was wrong, knowing full well that I wasn’t. This obviously completely stymied any excitement I had for the show, and I dragged my heels for a full month before finally finishing the goddamn show just to get it over with. And now we’re here. 

I’ve had a month to ready myself for what I knew was coming. It was both a blessing and a curse, since while it pretty thoroughly ruined my good time, it also meant that I wasn’t totally blindsided by that ending. And man, I would have been blindsided, because there was Z E R O reason for that. None. And now I’ve read all the articles in which Rob Thomas tries to explain his reasons, and they’re all nonsense. Absolute idiocy. All I see is a guy who always, always resented the fans for loving a character he didn’t want us to, who tried and tried to redirect us to one of his preferred creations without success, and just when I thought he’d finally accepted defeat, he pulls the most nonsensical of fuckery just to finally win the battle. Fuck you, RT, forever and always. I can’t fucking believe that I allowed myself to think you’d finally seen the light. What a ridiculous fool I was for giving him the benefit of the doubt. 

Since I knew what was coming, I could look for the signs all throughout the season. So I searched for foreshadowing, or at least a narrative through-line. And let me tell you: there isn’t one. The season finally, rightfully seems to address Veronica’s deep-set trauma and trust issues but treats them like a problem and not a secret superpower, and it seemed like the show might expect Veronica to grow up along with the viewers who’ve aged 15 years since the first season? I was excited to finally have Veronica be the problem in a relationship, frankly. It was hinted at with Piz, but glossed over because there was only so much time in the movie, but it was realistic for her to have some trouble adjusting to a long-term, committed relationship, and I was excited to see that journey! I thought it was such an interesting path to go down, watching Veronica grapple with what she wants (or maybe just thinks she wants) vs. what she’s always known, or thought she knows. Lots of stuff there! Good stuff! And you get all the way to the end, when she’s finally decided to try. It isn’t fixed, it isn’t perfectly, she’s definitely got a long way to go, but she’s taken a few tentative steps into an uncertain future. And all of a sudden, quite literally, boom. It’s all gone. 

Listen. I was never going to be a fan of getting rid of Logan. However they chose to do it, it would always feel wrong. I have never trusted Rob Thomas to handle Logan well, because he’s always had this undercurrent of anger in every interview I’ve read, this frustration that people love and respond to Logan when he wanted them to love Duncan! Then Piz! Then anyone else! His creations took on a life of their own, and RT hated it. RT was one of the ultimate examples of writers/show runners who were simply watching a completely different show than the rest of us. I could never understand how he wrote such interesting stuff for Logan but didn’t want us to root for him. It never made any sense. But I didn’t think he would sabotage his own show this thoroughly. 

Because here’s the thing: I was never going to like him getting rid of Logan, but I could have understood it. I could have gone along with it if it had been done right. Frankly, the way it was building, it wouldn’t have been a surprise, nor would it even have been a bad choice, to have Logan break up with Veronica at the end of the season. And if RT couldn’t handle Veronica not being the aggressor, fine, make Veronica do it. She decides she isn’t willing to put in the work to change that Logan needs from her, and she ends it. Fine. Could work, at least for a few seasons. Let her deal with the loss, knowing it was something she chose, and see how it affects her priorities as she continues on. Certainly could be interesting! 

You know what isn’t interesting? This. This is the only - the ONLY - plotline that’s a watered down repeat of a previous story. Veronica Mars, traumatized and hardened by the shocking loss of someone close to her? Quite literally, been there, done that. I know RT has been trying to recapture the magic of season one for every season and iteration since, but just repeating the storyline? Really, really missing the mark. There isn’t anything new that can be added to this. We’ve done this. This will only ever be a pale imitation, a tacked-on sequel hitting the same beats with less force. Lilly was a fantastic inciting incident that yielded a tight, well-thought-out season arc. But why would we want to start over 15 years later? What’s to be gained from this? Literally ANY other ending would have yielded multiple storytelling options, branching out with so many possibilities on where the characters could go. This is the only one that simply slams doors shut. 

The few supporters of this ending I’ve seen around the interwebs keep saying things like “this show wouldn’t work if Veronica was happy!” Hell, Rob Thomas is saying the same thing. And to that idiocy, I can only say 1. of course it would, if you write it well, dumbass, and 2. if you think Veronica getting married immediately = happiness, well, what the hell show were you watching? The marriage, much as it could represent a step forward, was still VERY CLEARLY a huge, impulsive jump that was more a reaction than a measured decision. And that was something I was looking forward to seeing. Fresh off of a near-death experience and a renewed assurance of her love for Logan, Veronica marries him thinking that’s the end of their troubles, only to realize that it’s just another complication. Now Veronica has to deal with the new experience of having no quick exit strategy. All the problems they had throughout the season still exist, thinly covered by the veil of newlywed bliss, and she has to reconcile her happiness with her frustration and uncertainty. Logan still disappears at the drop of a hat because of his job. She still puts herself in danger for the case and uses loved ones and acquaintances alike to her full advantage. They hide things from each other. They love fiercely, they trust the other with their own lives but can’t trust each other to take care of themselves. Doesn’t this sound like a complicated, tumultuous relationship full of narrative possibilities? 

Well, forget it, because why break new ground when you could retread old storylines? Yeah, that’s what we all want. Great job, RT. So smart. 

Something that keeps bothering me is that if RT didn’t want Logan around as the happy husband at home but didn’t want to write more relationship drama between them? He already had the perfect excuse to ship Logan off for entire seasons at a time. Look, Logan’s deployed, oh no, he can’t even skype, he’s undercover! Cool, problem solved. No more Logan, but in a way that still maintains possibilities for the future should we want them. Ideal. Again, options. All you want are places for your narrative to go. Multiple roads it could take so it doesn’t become predictable. 

This is predictable. This is boring. This is trite. Our heroes, struck down in their highest moment of happiness. Holy fuck, it’s dull. It doesn’t feel edgy. It feels derivative, a tired rehash of a narrative structure that should have gone out of vogue ten years ago. The whole thing just exhausts me at this point. 

And I’ve read Rob Thomas’s justification for why he did it. They’re all flimsy, but if he wants to go do a Sherlock-style, Ms. Marple mystery series, flitting in and out as he pleases, fine. It won’t be the worst show in the world. Veronica’s still a fun and interesting character, and I’ll always enjoy watching her. But removing her from Neptune, and more importantly, removing her from all of her meaningful relationships, takes away what made this show special. The new version RT is pitching could be fun enough. But it’ll still be just one in a long, long line of mystery shows that don’t have much claim to my emotional investment. I might watch, but I’ll forget about it the second it’s over. It certainly won’t be the kind of show with a fanbase that will still be interested in watching more 15 years from now. Rob Thomas won’t be getting one of those again. 

So yeah, that’s that. I have much more to say, but really I just wanted to get this rant out so I can put it all behind me. I learned long ago that I can’t trust shows and showrunners, and it’s a lesson I learned partly, if significantly, from Rob Thomas. I suppose it’s on me for letting my guard down, but I guess my hope got grandfathered in from an age when I didn’t immediately mistrust the things that were supposed to make me happy. I’ll know better next time. 

[besidemethewholedamntime]

and i will always love you - chapter 3 

Fic Summary:

“He feels sorry for her. It’s hard not to. Except it doesn’t change the fact that she’s still the child of an eminent politician, using her wealth and status to arm herself in ways that others in her situation couldn’t. Fitz has protected all kinds of people who’ve done the same thing, and every last one has been a complete and utter wanker.”

When an accidental discovery causes nationwide outrage at Dr. Jemma Simmons, Protection Officer Leopold Fitz is the one called upon to be her bodyguard. It starts off as one thing and ends quite another. A bodyguard au.

Chapter Summary:

Lines, lines, and more lines. Jemma receives a slightly unpleasant letter, and Fitz worries about overstepping the boundaries drawn up in his head.

{Read Chapter Three Here}

{Read From the Beginning Here}

or read chapter three below!

The first threat comes in the post.

Fitz and Jemma have settled into a somewhat routine over the past few days. They’ve gotten used to each other’s company; in fact, they actually work really well together. They both know when they can crack jokes and when silence is required. Even though their fields don’t overlap at all they’re still able to bounce ideas off each other. It’s only been a few days, but Fitz wonders how he’s going to be able to go work with anybody else after working with her.

It’s like they’ve forgotten that there’s a threat out there, that people are plotting and scheming as they banter between their desks all day. Fitz has taken his head out of the game; has begun to enjoy this assignment he didn’t want. The arrival of the letter is a bucket of cold water over the head, the jolt back to reality that makes him feel sick, but that he needed.

It’s an innocuous letter, delivered to the labs in amongst grant paperwork and science magazines. Jemma opens it after her first meeting, which is her designated post-opening period. Fitz has made fun of it numerous times over the past few days but now he finds himself grateful for it, because it means he is there.

It’s the stereotypical threatening letter, with cut out letters and everything. It would almost be comical except when Jemma shows it to him with a pale face and trembling hands neither of them are laughing. This letter mentions personal things that can’t be found on Wikipedia or even dug up on Twitter. The thing that frightens them both the most is the mention of her address.

“How could they find that out?” Jemma whispers, staring down at the white sheet of paper, such a stark contrast to the dark oak of her desk. “How would they even know?”

Fitz, just off the phone with his superiors, shakes his head. “I don’t know.” He scrubs his hand down his face, the weight of the situation settling on his shoulders. “I honestly don’t know.”

A team are on their way from Scotland Yard to examine the letter and to check security, something Fitz knows he should be doing. And he will, in a minute, but right now Jemma is sitting at her desk looking quiet and shaken, so different to the Jemma he’s been getting to know. He’s meant to be pulling back, doing his job, but all the same he cannot leave.

“I’ll cancel my days off,” he says. “Officer Davis doesn’t need to relieve me.”

“What? No, Fitz, you can’t,” she objects. “You deserve to have days that aren’t spent living in my pocket.”

“I’d never forgive myself if something happened when I wasn’t here,” he says quietly, leaving no room for argument. He will not be swayed.

Jemma, seeing the look on his face, protests no more and instead says she needs to go into the lab.

“We need to sort somewhere else for you to stay,” Fitz says. “You can’t go home.”

“I know, Fitz, but right now, I think… I think I just need to be alone for a bit,” and she gives him a watery smile before leaving. And because this is a secure building and because he needs to step back, he lets her go.

-x-

He lets her be alone and he deals with the Scotland Yard team when they arrive. They talk about changing up her schedule, alternative places for her to stay for the night while they work on getting a hotel, ways in and out of the lab that means she’ll have limited exposure to the protesters that still camp out every night in order to get a chance to hurl abuse or prod at her with theirs signs.

He tries, he honestly tries, to absorb himself in the work and pretend that this is just a problem that needs to be solved, a scenario in a test to get a perfect score in. It works, for a while. He forgets her smile and the indignant way she narrows her eyes when she thinks she’s right and just focuses on the best way to keep her safe. His brain forgets but his heart betrays him and the way it loses a beat every so often when he says her name brings her smile to the forefront of his mind.

“You’re cancelling your days off?” His boss asks him.

“Yeah, it makes sense. I’m familiar with her routines, would know if something’s off. Now’s not the time to bring in the relief guy. Besides, we have a relationship.”

“And just how would you classify your relationship with her, Officer Fitz?”

“The way the relationship is always is,” he replies, a little too sharply, a little too quickly. “I’m her protection officer.”

His superior makes a ‘hmm’ noise, notes something down on a notepad, and doesn’t say anything more about it.

There’s nothing to make a hmm noise about. He is Jemma’s protection officer, and for a brief, stupid moment he thought that they could be friends. He was wrong, misguided, misled, whatever. There’s a wall between them, there always will be, built out of Twitter comments and news headlines and cards with cut out letters sent in the post. He lost sight of the objective for a moment, but it’s okay. He’ll never forget again.

Her life depends on it.

-x-

His new resolve for his new resolution is tested not even an hour later.

Jemma has returned from the lab, still subdued but more willing to cooperate. He lists the new protocols he’s put in place; the limits on her movements, the changing of her routines she listens to, agreeing to them with a ‘yes’ or mostly just a head nod. It scares him, this complete shutdown. He puts down his list.

“Jemma? You okay?”

“Yes,” she says, nodding a little too much. “I’m fine. Go on.”

He feels himself soften. “It’s okay to admit this is bothering you, you know.”

“Is it?” She sighs. “If it bothers me then they win, Fitz. If they get to me then it’s what they want and I don’t want them to win. I really can’t let them win.”

“So we won’t let them,” he tells her, placing a hand over hers where it sits on her desk. She looks at him in surprise, the ghost of a smile touching her lips.

“We won’t let them,” she affirms.

His resolve then makes a comeback and he moves his hand away sharply, ignoring the look of confusion on Jemma’s face, the ache in his chest. Instead he clears his throat and picks up his list.

“Okay,” he says with fake nonchalance. “Now we need to find you someplace else to stay for the night while we find you a hotel and HQ have helpfully  come up with a list of suggestions. Number one: other residence?”

Jemma, it seems, has recovered quickly, too. “Oh, yes, I forgot about that house in the country that I’ve been looking for an excuse to move to,” she says drily. “Come off it, Fitz. You know I don’t have anywhere else to go.”

“Alright alright,” he mutters, scratching that suggestion off. “Relatives houses?”

“No.” She shakes her head. “Absolutely not. I’m not dragging this to their door.” He thinks it’s rather sweet until she adds: “I might as well hold up a big banner saying ‘failure’.”

He scores off again. “Friends?”

“I can’t ask them to take on this burden. It’s not fair.”

“They’re your friends,” he tries. “I’m sure they’d want to help.”

“Fitz,” she says, looking pointedly at his list. “The answer is no.”

They go through several more options, each one getting stranger and stranger until at last they are left with the one that HQ had deemed to be used as a last resort, break glass in case of emergency, kind of option.

“Well,” he announces, smiling but it comes across as more of a grimace. “Jemma Simmons, it looks like tonight you’re coming home with me.”

-x-

His superior doesn’t like it and he’s not the only one.

Jemma huffs and puffs, whirling like a tornado around her office, sheets of paper blowing in every direction as she shows her displeasure. He pays little attention to it. It’s mostly for show, and he knows that by the fact she hasn’t vetoed it that it’s the only option she’s willing to, however begrudgingly, live with.

Fitz remains silent at his own desk as she blusters about. It’s like the universe is permanently against him. Lines are blurring, becoming faded. One wrong step and he’ll have crossed them before he knows it. This was supposed to be a simple job, a job that he’s done tens of times before. It’s getting complicated and he doesn’t like it.

Jemma must notice his face because, sometime around three o’clock, she tells him, “You don’t have to, Fitz. I’ll go stay with my parents.”

An easy way out with an offer that couldn’t have been easy for her to make. Fitz appreciates how hard it must have been for her to make it but only for one second does he consider taking her up on it. There are numerous reasons why she shouldn’t go stay with her parents, namely being that if someone managed to find her address then what’s to stop them finding the address of Lord Simmons? But he also doesn’t want to make her unhappy and the memory of her big wet eyes from that first night still haunts his dreams.

“Actually, that option’s ruled out, now,” he says, explaining the reasons behind it. Her face still looks troubled, and whether or not it’s from the situation or the daunting prospect of coming home with him he can’t quite tell. “My flat’s not some kind of hovel, if that’s what you were thinking.”

“Oh, Fitz,” she says softly, head tilting to one side. “That’s not what I was thinking about. I just didn’t want to be more of an imposition on you than I already am.”

It’s rare, in this job, to have somebody who cares about the stresses and strains they put on those people who are paid to take bullets for them. It’s rather nice. It makes him believe that at least somebody would care if he lives or dies.

“It’s my job to protect you,” he tells her simply, redrawing the lines.

He watches as his words land on her, as she sits up straighter in her desk chair and brings her keyboard forward when she’d formerly pushed it away. “Of course it is,” she says, tone perfectly polite, but perfectly empty of everything that had been before.

-x-

Hunter, it turns out, is the one who needs the most convincing.

Fitz calls him before they’re about to leave, out of courtesy but also mainly to make sure their flat is in a somewhat reasonable state and ready to receive a guest such as this.

“What the hell!” Hunter exclaims, his voice audible even when Fitz holds the phone far away from his ear. He’s glad he decided to make the call in the toilets.

“What? She just needs someplace to stay for the night while we find a good hotel or something. It’s not like you’ll be home anyway.”

“Oh, won’t I?” Hunter scoffs. “What’s that meant to mean?”

Fitz pinches the bridge of his nose – out of everyone who he’d thought was going to be bothered by this he didn’t think it would be Hunter who would cause such a fuss. “It means that you’ll be with Bobbi, because you’re always with Bobbi on a Tuesday and so you won’t be affected.”

“I’m not with Bobbi every Tuesday,” he says defensively. “And I won’t be tonight. I was thinking we could have a bro’s night, actually. Got the pizza and everything.”

Fitz sighs. “Meaning you two are fighting again.”

“We are not.”

“Oh, please, don’t even try to deny it. This is what you two always do and usually it’s fine but today it’s not, okay? Jemma needs someplace to stay and considering she’s getting actual death threats maybe the least you could do is be a good host and make sure you’re bloody washing isn’t all over the floor when she walks in and not kick up a fuss because your bloody love life falling to bits. Again!”

The line is silent. Fitz finds himself breathless and when he looks in the mirror he sees that his tie is askew, cheeks reddening. He thinks he can hear his voice reverberating off the tiles, bouncing around, unable to be forgotten.

It takes Hunter a while to reply, so long that Fitz wonders if he’s ever going to. Eventually, inevitably, he does.

“Alright, mate. Don’t you worry, this place will be spotless by the time you get home.”

Fitz exhales the breath he didn’t know he was holding. “Thank you.”

“No worries.” There’s some rustling in the background. “This Jemma Simmons better realise how lucky she is to have you, that’s all I’m saying.” And then he hangs up.

-x-

All things considered the night actually goes quite well. Hunter is the perfect gentleman (as perfectly gentleman as Lance Hunter does, anyway) and actually makes Jemma laugh genuinely several times during their dinner of Meat feast pizza and beer. Fitz and Jemma don’t even argue, or not as spectacularly as they have before. In another life, Fitz thinks that they would have made a pretty good group of friends.

Hunter manages to corner him when he’s making up the couch with a blanket and a spare pillow, his bed for the night. Jemma’s in the shower, the sound of the running water echoes throughout the whole flat, and so Hunter doesn’t even lower his voice when sidles up to Fitz and says, “Jemma’s pretty great.”

“Yeah.” Fitz continues to tuck in the blanket, not even considering what he’s found out to be a fact. “She is.”

“You two seem like you’re good friends.”

“We’re not friends,” Fitz says automatically, inspecting the pillow. “I’m her protection officer. Can’t be anything else.”

His friend has always had a flair for the dramatics, and Hunter pretends to inspect his nails when he says, “Could’ve fooled me.”

“You’re seeing things that aren’t there,” Fitz says, not even properly answering, too busy wondering if his pillow is going to be enough for his neck in the night.

“Don’t think I am, mate.” Hunter makes a whistling sound. “I don’t think even I could make up the fact that you’re completely gaga for her.”

“What?!” Fitz drops the pillow onto the couch, then listens carefully in case his shout is enough to alarm Jemma. The water doesn’t turn off, but he still hisses, “No, I’m not.”

“Oh it’s okay, don’t feel embarrassed about it, Fitz. She’s completely gaga for you and all.”

His heart thumps under his shirt and he has to carefully remind himself that Hunter isn’t exactly winning awards for boyfriend of the year and therefore isn’t the best person to advise on this kind of thing. The he has to remind himself that he doesn’t care, that he can’t care, because he’s Jemma’s bodyguard and there needs to be an uncrossable line between them in order to keep her safe.

“I just work for her. Kind of,” Fitz says defensively. “I mean did you even see us? We argue all the time.”

“Yeah, and so do Bobbi and I, but even in our worst times there’s not a single moment where I doubt the fact I’d die for her.” Hunter shrugs. “It’s just like that with love sometimes.”

Love?! Fitz turns back to his bedmaking, ignoring the idiocy. There’s no love here, there can’t be. It’s been what, a week? He and Jemma bicker about everything, even when there’s no reason to - sometimes he thinks that she just enjoys winding him up. And yes, she’s pretty amazing. And yes, in those quiet, vulnerable moments he’s allowed his mind to wander far beyond the boundaries of what’s considered professional, but it doesn’t mean anything. It never could.

His dear friend is well off base with this one. As if he could ever love Jemma Simmons. As if Jemma Simmons could ever love him.

-x-

Jemma’s been given Fitz’s room and after her shower it’s where she retreats to for the rest of the night. Picking up on the hint, and with Hunter gone to grovel to Bobbi after being ‘inspired’ or something else like that, Fitz flops onto his own bed for the evening. Unable to get changed into something more comfortable, and with a headache coming on, he’s unable to get lost in the TV show he tries watching and instead he closes his eyes, lies back, and gets lost in his own head instead.

Hunter’s words have sunk in too deep and now Fitz is unable to let them go, is unsure if he wants to. The what ifs start spinning around, making him fall deeper into the dreamland. What if it was all different? What if there was no leak and it wasn’t his duty to protect her? What if they’d met in a normal way? The different lives they could have led take place in the theatre behind his closed eyelids. He doesn’t want the show to end.

“Um, Fitz?”

He jumps up, and spins around to face Jemma, face already reddening as though he’s been caught. He spins so quickly he sees bright spots and he has to hold onto the back of the couch to stop himself falling down.

“Jemma? Hi.” He coughs. “What’s up?”

“Sorry to wake you,” she begins, wringing her hands as she steps further into the room.

Fitz rubs the back of his neck. “Uh, no, no it’s alright. Wasn’t asleep yet, anyway. How’s your room? Everything okay?”

A small laugh. “It’s your room and it’s perfect, thank you. Well, apart from the messiness of your shelves…”

“I’ve not got time to sort them all, I’m too busy saving people!”

“Ah, yes,” she smiles. “Quite the action man.” But then her smile disappears. “Your room is actually what I wanted to talk about.”

Oh. A thousand things flash through his head. Did he leave food in there that’s now multiplied into something horrific? Has the ironing pile that he hastily shoved in the wardrobe exploded out of it? He feels like when he was a child and his mum had went ‘I want to talk to you’ in her most stern voice.

“Oh, yeah, um, what about it?”

She steps forward. “I wanted to say thank you, for letting me stay tonight.”

Relief floods through his veins, but it leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. “Of course. It’s my-”

“Job, yes, I know.” A strange, closed look passes over her face, gone as quickly as it came. “But still, letting me into your home is a big ask even if it may be your job, and it deserves a thank you.”

“Of course,” he says, making a choice to forget the lines he has drawn in his head. “Always.”

She nods her head and goes to turn away but something impulsive within him makes him say, Jemma?”

She turns around with a raised eyebrow. “Yes?”

But the moment of strength has deserted him as have the half-planned words he was going to say. Instead he flounders for a moment before shaking his head. “Um, it’s nothing. Sorry. Goodnight.”

Even so she smiles, but this time it’s warm and reaches her eyes and he can’t quite look away from the spot even as she bids him goodnight and leaves.

He flops down on the couch, cradling his head in his hands, frustrated with Hunter for getting into his head, the lines that he wishes to erase, and his own bloody cowardice.

[ourimpavidheroine]

I don’t know if any of you read the comic Saga, but the issue that was just released not only had a major character death but the creators announced they were taking at least a year (if not longer) hiatus before giving any new issues.

(Mild spoilers for Saga as well as A Song of Ice and Fire below.)

First off, I was triggered. I don’t mean that in the sort of *gasp oooh this sucks* Tumblr sort of way but in the *I have PTSD and have been going through some pretty intensive therapy including EMDR and CBT* kind of way. In other words, it triggered the living fuck out of me but thankfully my very hard work the past three years kicked in and I was able to ride it out. I’m okay. I’m still upset about it, but upset in a manageable way, not upset in a I can’t move and I can’t speak and I’m shaking and reliving my wife’s death like it's happening all over again right this very second way.

In other words, folks, PTSD isn’t a goddamn fucking tag line because the barista at Starbucks got your coffee wrong, okay? 

Moving on.

You know, I read Game of Thrones, ever so many years ago, back in the 90′s when it was first published. I got upset when Ned Stark died. (I did not get triggered. I had not even met my late wife at that point.) I read the next few books as they came out and then I quit reading them. Partly because I thought the story was so plot driven that character development was getting left behind (and character development is what keeps me interested in any story being told in any medium, but that’s just me and certainly not every other reader) and partly because I felt like all of the constant death was just a cheap and lazy device to shock the readers. Ned Stark? Upsetting. The Red Wedding? Horrifying. But as the books kept going and people kept dying I was like...but what’s the aftermath of all of this? I don’t mean that different families use the various deaths as a catalyst for their own purposes. That these deaths had an impact on the plot is undeniable. Martin is a fucking genius when it comes to plot. But what kind of impact did it have on the characters themselves?

The books really didn’t address it, or at least not directly. Sure, we know Arya Stark is completely broken, and not in a good way, for example. We know that it was due to what’s happened to her and her family. But we don’t know how she feels about all of it. None of that was addressed. We just keep going forward as the plot kept rocketing on. 

How is this death going to be addressed in Saga? Don’t know. And I won’t know, not for at least another year, possibly longer. Will we pick up directly after that moment, how the survivors of the bloodbath that took out four characters in the space of an hour or two try to even grasp what’s happened? Only one of the dead characters was a “bad” character; the other three left behind people who loved them, very deeply. What is this going to do to them? How is the grief going to destroy them, crack them into pieces, damage the very cores of them, deep in the places where others can’t see? Will we even get that, or when the comic eventually comes back will we do a convenient time skip, avoiding all of that? All of the tears, all of the sleeplessness, the loss of appetite, the standing in the kitchen knowing you need to feed your children something but being frozen, unable to do anything but cry, finally ordering pizza for the billionth night in a row even though you know it isn’t healthy and for fuck’s sake what is wrong with you? Putting your loved one’s dirty shirt from the hamper into a sealed bag because it still smells like her and you’re terrified you’ll forget that smell and if you start thinking you’ll never smell that again it takes you into a deep dark terrifying hole you are afraid you’ll never get out of. Listening to your children sobbing in the night. Going about your business and getting a “Remember this day” notice from Facebook with a photo of your loved one, laughing, unaware that she’s only got another three weeks to live and the next thing you know you’re on the floor making noises you had no idea humans could make, clutching your phone to your chest and having no idea how you are going to make it to the next minute never mind the next day never mind the rest of your life and then you order pizza again.

That’s what grief is. It’s wretched. It isn’t noble. It’s worrying about paying off all the bills and people telling you that they are there for you but waiting for you to tell them what you need when you have no idea what you need and people feeling so awkward about your grief that they just leave you alone so as not to have to think about it. 

It’s the endless, endless fucking endless loop of “if I had just done it differently they’d still be alive.”

Who wants that? Who wants to read that or see it? God. No one, that’s who. People who’ve never lost someone close to them just want grief porn that they can leave behind and people who have lost someone don’t need to live through that again, thanks.

It’s not to say that you should never have a character die. People die. That’s life. Sometimes they die when they are old and ready. Sometimes they die in brutal ways. Sometimes their death lingers with them, slowing them down as their body loses its struggle. Sometimes it comes without warning, so that your twelve year old children, coming in to see what’s for lunch find you dead, face down on the floor.

But it is to say, you need to do it with thought. You need to think about what this death does to the people who are left behind. Time skips are a bullshit way of getting out of doing the hard work of actually addressing what you’ve done to your characters, and the same goes for just pushing through the plot. If you are going to break characters - if you are going to establish that they were violently orphaned as children and left to fend for themselves - then you need to deal with the aftermath of how you’ve broken them. You don’t get to say that eleven years later they are teenagers and pro-bending and doing okay and never referencing that event again. Because you know what happens when you do? You’ve got fans assuming that your characters are assholes without ever stopping to think that they are profoundly broken because of what happened to them.

See, there’s this thing where people say that no matter what happened to a character that they don’t get to use that as an excuse. I agree with that, as it happens. Whatever happens to us in life, it does not excuse the hurt we cause others.

However, when you have a teenage character telling another teenage character that his past - abandonment by his mother, the cruel abuse of his father, having half of his face burned off, being exiled - is no excuse for him to not know how to behave with a girlfriend at the age of sixteen makes me want to reach through the screen and smack the show creators.

Because it’s easy to say that. It’s easy to say that people who have suffered cruel abuse, who have been deeply traumatized, who have clear symptoms of PTSD aren’t excused from their behavior. But who is helping them deal with it? Who is guiding them? Who is walking them through the slow and painful process of healing? Because the process is painfully slow. It’s ruthless, soul crushing, desperate. It’s never cut and dried, it’s never a straight path, it’s one step forward and then falling on your ass and sobbing. It’s not something that you can do alone, either. And far too many people never get the help they need. 

If you are going to break your characters then DEAL WITH IT. No shortcuts. No excuses. None of this barely scratching the surface bullshit. No time skips, no soundbites about healing, no mention in passing and then never addressing it again. Own it. Deal with it. Because that’s what broken people have to do, every single day. And we deserve more than grief porn.

[comicteaparty]

March 14th, 2019 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party chat that occurred on March 14th, 2019, from 5PM - 7PM PDT.  The chat focused on Sketch Dump by Aleks Stock.

Featured Comment:

Chat:

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- THURSDAY BOOK CLUB START!

Good evening, everyone~! This week’s Thursday Book Club is officially beginning! Today we are discussing Sketch Dump by Aleks Stock~! (https://sketchdump.org/)

Remember that Thursday discussions are completely freeform! However, every 30 minutes I will drop in OPTIONAL discussion questions in case you’d like a bit of a prompt. If you miss out on one of these prompts, you can find them pinned for the chat’s duration. Additionally, remember that while constructive criticism is allowed, our focus is fun and respectfully appreciating the comic. All that said, let’s begin!

QUESTION 1. What is your favorite scene in the comic so far and why?

one scene i particularly enjoyed was the scene where its revealed clear as day, no holds bar that Iladyl is a slave. https://sketchdump.org/post/179755402309/sketch-dump-c02p06-i-wanna-hug-iladyl-qaq the way its revealed is so straight forward but so simple really works i think. cause its just treated as a fact of life and that is indeed how it would be for the world.

i also loved the animated shattered screen effect because its both grounded in familiarity yet the way its illustrated kind of gives it that scifi fantasy tech feel that lets you know that nope, definitely not from earth

i also find the scene where Brogod meets Jen to be kind of fascinating. mostly cause i think Brogod is an interesting character since his first inclination is to make contact and help. meanwhile in the "real" world, cause i get the impression of simulation, his brain seems to be kind of exploding. but mostly i like it for the interactions cause its not the first reaction you really expect when meeting some crazy alien entity in a weirdo simulation world of sorts.

khkddn

im not done reading through the archive but i really like the scene in the beginning where the lights are flickering, it looks so cool

RebelVampire

yes i think the lighting effects are pretty cool. especially cause of how its animated because the animation kind of feels like the world is glitching. which fits with the whole world we see jenna in later

ezzy

i also like the beginning scene with the séance. just nice to see the characters fucking around. it really gives you the sense that they've known each other for a while

khkddn

it's a great artstyle overall, love it

ezzy

same!

khkddn

yeah i liked seeing the characters interacting too during the seance, some good moments there(edited)

ezzy

i love any sort of multimedia webcomic but the use of animations is rly good

it makes the world a little more vibrant

RebelVampire

yeah i agree it is really great to see the characters kind of just being them. no life threatening quest. no world to save. just a silly seance thing as an excuse to get together, hang out, maybe get some food later. i think it was a good way to introduce them since it gave more breather time to get to know them.

ezzy

i like the little hints that there's more to the characters, like that dudes scar

RebelVampire

yes or some of the subtle looks passed between certain individuals. it was interesting to see a little back history at play that we dont get to know about yet

ezzy

it really makes you want to read more

khkddn

all caught up now! definitely agree w @RebelVampire about the scene revealing Iladyl is a slave. a few pages prior to that i think lyral says something to the effect of "i stole you" which i didn't understand at first but once it got to that page i was like ohhhh

RebelVampire

haha i kind of suspected from that line but it was one of those lines that makes you go "hmm maybe not"

and then the story said nope, it was the worst thing you could expect

khkddn

harsh, harsh reality

RebelVampire

although im really curious about what gave it away. like i assume the horns or something, but im not sure what about them announced "slave over here everybody"

khkddn

i think it was the horns, since there is a panel focusing on them when those people say to leave the slave alone

maybe the hair color too but idk

RebelVampire

QUESTION 2. At the start of the comic, we’re introduced to a slew of colorful characters. Which of the characters shown so far caught your eye the most? What about that character in particular interests you? Further, which of the character dynamics intrigued you the most? From what has been shown so far, especially of the human cast, what do you make of everyone’s relationship with each other? How do you think this devil summoning ritual began, and why is everyone simultaneously showing up and being grumpy about showing up? What do you make of every character’s choice of sins, and in what ways do you think that might come into play later?

ezzy

i like jake and jen a lot, mostly based off their designs

RebelVampire

while brogod definitely interests me, i think the character who caught my eye the most was Jake. Of all the humans he seemed the most down to earth and cool. that and of all the characters jack couldve called at the beginning, he calls jake. and that really makes me want to know their past relationship history cause who you choose ot call first is pretty revealing.

ezzy

i think there's a lot of things being set up for the future and i'm rly interested in seeing where it's going

obviously these are characters who've known each other for a good while and have their own rituals and inter-relationships

the devil summoning is being done for the sake of ritual rather than anyone (besides jackson) caring about the results

so i guess it will be interesting to see why it worked this time and how it will shake up their relationships now that its worked

RebelVampire

yes, definitely. cause if this doesnt test their friendships, nothing will XD

there definitely is a lot of character stuff being set up though

i think from the opening scene the character im most worried about sin wise is allen. cause allen chose sloth and life and while jake played it off as him just being a millenial, umm, yeah. i mean you dont pick life as a sin for nothing

which since allen is the one with the scar

maybe hes got a serious case of survivors guilt

and survived something horrific

khkddn

im really curious about that scar, since it seems like he makes a bigger deal of it than anyone else

RebelVampire

yeah especially when it really isnt that bad of a scar

so theres gotta be emotional ties to it

and not just vanity

since vanity is a sin and was not the one he picked

ezzy

oooh i didn't make the connection between the scar and the sin he picked

khkddn

if there is a connection, it could go multiple ways. maybe it was a situation where he got the scar through inaction, or maybe something happened to him that made him a more passive person

RebelVampire

that could be too

that would combine it well with sloth

the character dynamic i think i want to know most about is blake and ana. cause of this page https://sketchdump.org/tagged/comic/chrono/page/13

there are so many ways to read that conversation and that look

khkddn

oh that's true, i didn't notice that the first time reading through

ezzy

(can i just say i really like the composition of that page)

RebelVampire

yes, i love the visual flow on this page, the slight animation, and all the shot choices. it was a really good build up for that look

ill also point out blake wrote love as his sin

so that is a blush

khkddn

the was blake is in the second panel vs the last panel are super different. if it's related to why he picked love, then i wonder why he and ana haven't haven't seen each other in a while (based on the "long time no see")

RebelVampire

ok wait. im rereading this and the papers are sin and sacrifice. so love isnt the implied sin but what blake wants to sacrifice

so is it like...ana is his ex hes still in love with but he wants to move on?

khkddn

hm that would explain them not seeing each other

RebelVampire

yes and the awkward response from blake

ezzy

oooh

RebelVampire

if life is allen's sacrifice, then thats even worse tho and stands to reason that hes probably guilty of inaction

QUESTION 3. Within the comic, an “innocent” devil summoning seems to go horrifically wrong. What do you think exactly happened to everyone involved? Why did this summoning go so awry, and why did none of the other attempts before have the same results? How does all this tie into what Brogod was doing regarding summoning and translating? Did Brogod somehow cause what happened to the human gang, or were both sides victims? Also, why was Brogod found unconscious and barely breathing after making contact with Jen? What’s even going on with Jen? Lastly, do you think Brogod is okay and, if so, will Brogod try to make contact again?

I do think Brogod was responsible for why everything went awry. Cause its like he was trying to summon the summoner which probably created an extreme magical paradox

ezzy

my guess is that the two "summonings" happening at the same time is what caused everything to go all whoopsy-fucky

khkddn

i think the previous seances never worked because each time, there wasn't someone like brogod on the other end doing their own seance

it's weird that brogod got all messed up but the humans didn't. maybe it's because there was one of him and seven of them?

RebelVampire

i assume brogod got messed up more from making contact with jen

rather than the seance itself causing it

like had he bailed and said "no lets not talk to this person" he mightve been fine?

ezzy

i think the thing with jen is like... either happenning in his head or he's like projecting his conscious to another plane and thats why he's fountaining blood

RebelVampire

yeah

i got the simulation impression

like brogod was tapping into another world

another world i would not be surprised was purgatory or something

whereas the humans got physically transported

simulation world also cause last i checked human eyes dont glow blue like that

unless jen was secretly a cyborg all along

khkddn

im trying to figure out what jen is saying in the non-translated parts.... too hard >_>

RebelVampire

by process of elimination i believe jen was the one who chose to sacrifice limb, so i hope that thing brogod put on her doesnt have long term consequences

khkddn

sacrificing limb sounds pretty straightforward in terms of making it literal, wouldn't want to pick that one

the only non-translated part i think i understand is the one on this page https://sketchdump.org/tagged/comic/chrono/page/32

p sure she's saying something about his tail

RebelVampire

makes sense

i can read "That's a

but the rest i cant figure out

im really curious why brogod seemed to have all those translation bug things as the thematic colors we keep seeing to represent each character

khkddn

they also flew away into the void (i think they did, he tried to catch them) so im wondering where those lil things went

RebelVampire

i mean the most likely conclusion is to the other characters

considering in the latest page we can confirm emily made contact

and clearly the language barrier would still apply without help

ezzy

yeah, it would be silly to have the characters run around without being able to speak the language

so thats a neat solution

RebelVampire

also interesting. cause magic shenanigans must be at work

i do think brogod is gonna be fine and be back again to figure out wtf is going on. cause i think after he wakes up he might realize he had something to do with it. or hell make contact with jen and gleam info about their situation and go "whoops"

ezzy

im really curious about what's gonna happen lmao

RebelVampire

QUESTION 4. As the comic has only gotten so far, there’s a lot of speculation to be had about the future. Do you think the human gang will ultimately get back to their homes? At the very least, do you think they’ll at least be able to find each other given they all seem to be quite separated? How do you think Iladyl will be involved with the plot considering his friend seemed to have located Emily? Why is the friend interested in involving Iladyl in the first place? Do you think everyone else has made contact with someone like Emily and Jen? On a different note, what about the world interests you the most right now? Finally, in general, what sorts of conflicts, events, or anything else are you hoping to see or think might happen?

so in line with the topic of sin and sacrifice earlier, im really concerned ana is gonna die. cause thats one way to sacrifice love

ezzy

i feel like they'll be separated for a long time and will have to deal with their relationships while being apart and thrust into a new and foreign situation

you know, like college

RebelVampire

yeah i dont think theyll find each other anytime soon. although the characters who know them may find them. like maybe brogod will find Iladyl's friend and they can chat about their alien friends. but i assume the humans are kind of like in pockets where they cant make contact with each other until theyre out in the actual physical world where there isnt a white void everywhere.

ezzy

they'll probably have to reevaluate their relationships under duress and will be different people by the time they see each other again

RebelVampire

yes, definitely. i mean not even their relationships. theyre gonna have to evaluate themselves cause they all seem to be early 20s or younger with exception to jake who seems to be working at a hospital

tho exception in the sense that im not sure what his job is there

ezzy

the description does say 2 teens and a number of young adults

i wanna say five but i cant fucking count

RebelVampire

i assume most of them are around jack's age

again minus jake

cause it really depends on what jake does

cause if hes a nurse or doctor or something hed be a lot older cause med school takes a long ass time

ezzy

if hes a nurse he might be younger i think(edited)

because nursing school doesnt take as long

RebelVampire

true. but tbf jake could also be some sort of genius and did the whole college thing at 10. hes mostly just the wildcard i wont put eggs into the basket

on a different topic, i bet the others are not having as great as time as jenna or emily. cause i will be surprised if they all manage to meet someone who legitimately wants to help them

ezzy

my guess is that theyre all within 4 years of each other

it will be interesting to see if they all have like... a demon counterpart to play off of

RebelVampire

i think thats plausible, just all their demon counterparts might not be the best of ppl. like knowing slaves are a thing in this world makes me think one of them is kind of destined for it

ezzy

yep

RebelVampire

the bit of world im most intrigued by is from this page https://sketchdump.org/post/174655505354/sketch-dump-c01p24-minor-seizure where brogod gets mad about almost damaging the most priceless artifact in the palace. cause i cant decide what hes talking about, although i assume its the lighter. and if so, wtf happened in the world that its the most priceless artifact

alternative could be talking about the computer, but considering technology seems rampant idk

khkddn

it does look like an ordinary lighter, but who knows

(ordinary lighter w blue fire, that is)

ezzy

hmm the computer says something about a gift and lyddal(?) also mentioned a soul gift

maybe its a soul lighter

lladyl lmao

RebelVampire

hmm that could be

but now that tells me why the friend probably wanted to get Iladyl involved

maybe Iladyl's soul gift is something that will help

with emily

COMIC TEA PARTY- THURSDAY BOOK CLUB END!

Sadly, this wraps up this week’s Thursday Book Club chat for now. Thank you so much to everyone for reading and joining us! We want to give a special thank you to Aleks Stock, as well, for making Sketch Dump. If you liked the comic, make sure to support Aleks Stock’s efforts however you’re able to~!

Read and Comment: https://sketchdump.org/

Aleks Stock’s Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/sketchdump

Sketch Dump’s Twitter: https://twitter.com/sketchdumpcomic