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willowedwisteria · 2 years

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oh lord im so fecking sorry for my friend that pulled an essay on you- i didnt know they would add some stuff about the past events until i found out today.

but ig its time ill tell the truth, and its a stupid one honestly. im currently under the weather and starving so i might write a bit shorter than usual.

so, uh. the reason why i was avoiding yall back then, was because- uh-

i felt like i was the last resort, you know, the third, fourth, fifth wheeler in a friend group. this wasnt the first i’ve experienced it. i know i speak a lot and tend to interrupt (truly sorry for that), and sometimes i was told to talk less or just be quiet.

i was also told that i always interrupt every conversation when a common interest was mentioned irl.

i already mentioned it in my blog but im going to say it again, i honestly felt like i have to please everyone on the discord server, that i have to play my cards right to please the many interests of everyone there.

dont get me wrong, i love feeding all of you fics about your fav(maybe slander them in the process too), but over time it felt like i was working hard just for recognition that “hey, im here. i still exist.”

again, this wasnt the first time i’ve experienced this. heck, i wrote like 2-3 fics just for gaile (one of them is diluc), like i was tryna impress for whatever reason. and honestly? i regret feeding gaile now. i dont hate gaile, i just regret writing fics for them.

and yes, im sensitive, i tend to get jealous of petty things, ill admit that. but i try to reason myself that “your moots have lives outside of tumblr, Hana. Of course they won’t notice your work/message/etc.”

honestly sound like im guilt tripping but im genuinely not.

i hated that i have to please people even on the internet, as if i was born to make everyone around me happy, forever making me an afterthought.

like that time where i send out a message that it was also my birthday but was met with silence, so i quickly deleted it out of embarrassment. (gunter and i shared the same birthday, surprisingly.)

and yes, i regret send that ask to you. i really do. sagau villain au has gotten way too stale here, another major reason why i regretted that. and yes it was supposed to be what my friend previously said, but i didnt expect it to blow up and it to become your au.

i often get attacked whenever i mentioned that i was the reason it blew up, but thats selfish of me, i shouldve kept my mouth shut. ahh yes, the good times where my tumblr blogs were too dangerous for me and my former followers. hah

ah flip, i got sidetracked haha. im not seeking for forgiveness, nor am i asking to interact with my former moots again. i came here to tell the truth.

a petty, childish truth.

but we all have flaws no matter how well we hide it.

im under the weather, family and childhood has messed me up, and honestly i feel like ending it all sometimes one way or another.

however, if you do want to interact with me again, feel free to tag me, even if i dont respond much. i wont respond at all if its in pms, im too awkward for that. you can decide whether you want to publish this ask or not, i dont mind.

-Hana

I have no right to say that I can truly understand how you feel since I didn't go through what you had to painfully experience, but I can say that I relate to it.

But, let's not talk about me right now.

You don't have to apologize, it was partially my fault. Your friend must have brought it up to me because I needed to at least know.

If avoiding us was your last resort, then I and I hope the rest of your old mutuals respect your decision. Tumblr may not have a place for you, but you definitely will always have a special seat in my blog.

You've been so strong after facing so much unnecessary hate. If you've experienced such hurtful comments about you supposedly interrupting someone else, unintentionally or not, I can kind of see why this was your last resort.

Recognition, fame, to not be forgotten. I don't know how to console or help you, but I'm glad you decided to take the time off of Tumblr. This is an unhealthy mindset.

If you look back into my blog, I also felt jealous of things such as notes and stuff. I felt insecure because my fics weren't doing well and I thought my writing had become terrible. I was insecure. I think you went through something similar.

You don't have to call yourself sensitive because many people also surprisingly feel this way as well. It's a valid and plausible thing, but it's also very unhealthy. Tumblr was just supposed to be this place to interact and have fun, and take a break from life.

I really wish I got to know more about you and bond with you. You seem like a wonderful person. However, for now, I don't think you'd need that.

Again, I'm so sorry for the trouble. That one mistake of mine escalated so much. We might not know each other that well, and nor do your old mutuals, but I'm sure many did miss you.

Thank you for your time here and for being here.

Thank you for the truth, Hana.

#Wisteriamutual

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axemetaphor · 3 years

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im definitely not ripping off my friend by making a list of au ideas i have no siree //gonna slap this under a readmore cause i. well i say a lot. all of the time. i tried so hard to format this Good but tumblr fucked me up i am so sorry

so first-off i know i already have one WIP AU (Auckland) on ao3 so i wont talk about That one cause like. spoilers. i actualyl have it like 80% created so its likely gonna truly get finished for once and i dont wanna ruin shit

the other one ive posted about is something me and ben (catgirlrepublic) have worked on together its not at all close to done or anything but it's. a fun little crossover. Between jdate and my fuckinuhm. Original characters story “Untitled Villains Project”. the sketches of the comic version ive started is actually my pinned post 👉👈 its like the first chunk of the story, i think half of part 1? yea.

Tldr john fucking Somehow is able t oget into contact with a certain curious scientist from another reality who’d just love to study the Soy Sauce, most certainly not for her own nefarious purposes

John and Dave meet up with the scientist, her name is Boss, and her lab assistant, Toxic, and after a bit of a preliminary Vibe Check where john determines her trustworthy (which Dave doesnt agree with,) the two agree to be taken to the world UVP is set in. from there they stay in Boss’s lab (big old fucking abandoned military lab). John and Toxic are fast friends due to mutual love-of-chaos. John n Dave get to fuckin, camp out on an air mattress.

The day after they arrive, the two get split up, not exactly intentionally; big plot points of UVP are liek. Fueled by Boss sending Toxic to go fetch her “research materials,” which are usually important artifacts

Fuckin side note i guess i have to explain my dumb bullshit: Boss’s, uh, field of expertise so to speak is actually fckin, basically the scientific study of magic and superpowers n shit like that. This shit’s all real in that world. Toxic’s got fuckin superpowers, so do 4 other main characters, whatever. It’s got a bit to do with spirituality, iss Boss’s hypothesis. So she has Toxic fetch important artifacts that might have “energies” to them. The thing is actually way more fuckin complictated than that, this is just Boss’s initial hypothesis.

Motherfucking anyways. So Boss gives Toxic a job to do, and John get excited about how Cool that sounds, and ends up going with Toxic, leaving Boss and Dave alone. Neither is thrilled about this. But Dave and Boss get to have a bit of conversation (while Toxic and John are off bonding and having a good time) and come to a… mutual grudging understanding of some kind. They still dont like each other though lmao

Theres gonna be deeper shit going on but we havent sorted it out yet/tbh havent like Written For It in a while but i still like thinking about it a lot lol

Also pretty sure our endgame is john and dave steal toxic and bring them back with em lmao boss is kind of not nice and toxic would most certainly be better off in Undisclosed. Actually theyd fucking love it. Theyd become a local cryptid im sure. Undisclosed’s mothman is a teleporting spike baby.

I have. Another crossover AU that i might. Post something about for halloween? Maybe? If i have it finished?

Crosses over into, you guessed it, another one of my original-character projects. God, am i vain or something?

I promise this is just because i think blue and dave should get to team up to beat up some monsters

Quick briefing on my fuckinuh. Original character story, this one doesnt have a name (yet? Idk lol my work never actually goes anywhere sso who gives a shit). It centers around two grim reapers, Red (26, bi woman) and Blue (22, aroace agender asshole). In this reality or whatever, grim reapers function kind of like low-level office workers. They get told who’s going to die + when by some middle-management types, and upper management only involve themselves when punishment needs to be doled out. These Higher-Ups can be seen as analogous to Korrok; they’re decidedly not human, never were, and fucking terrifyingly powerful. Additionally, grim reapers are sort of .. designed to be “background noise” people. In reality theyre supernatural beings and, uh, look Real Fuckin Weird (the whole deal has a neon aesthetic im terrible at drawing uwu) but most humans just perceive them like extras in a movie. A body’s there but the camera’s not focused on it.

To the narrative: the shit starts when Red n Blue get relocated to Undisclosed. Relocation is something that just happens every now and then to reapers; they usually work in teams, but they get split up into different cities to avoid any strong bonds forming (a counter-union strategy from the Higher-Ups).

Red, Blue, John and Dave end up running into each other for the first time in a McDonalds where John n Dave are getting some 4am “hey, we just survived another horrific monster fight�� celebration burgers. John and Dave are the only two people who can see how… strange Red and Blue are. Nobody else notices.

John unintentionally pisses Blue off, leading to Blue whacking him upside the head with a dildo bat. They all four get kicked out of McDonald’s. Dave and Red both are less than thrilled

Blue and John end up resolving their differences, somehow. Red and Dave briefly bond over their dumbass best friends being, well, dumbasses. They all part ways amicably.

somehow-or-other (idk yet) they end up running into each other a few more times, and eventually john invites them over to his place, and the four (plus Amy now!) get to know each other a little better

while there, Blue gets a text about some guy who's gonna die and John offers to drive them to where that's gonna go down. they take him up on the offer and get to have a bit of one-on-one conversation

after that ordeal though Blue has had Enough of people and bails, leaving John to head home alone

theres a sort of mirror-development going on with the five of em. Red, John, and Amy would all like everyone to get along, though theyre a bit tentative about it (John moreso than the other two, actually, jsut cause. well Red n Blue could still be Sauce Monsters). Dave and Blue on the other hand do Not like people enough for this shit, and Dave's not unconvinced theyre Sauce Monsters. he will not trust them until proven he should

the story's kinda nebulous but i got an idea for some Shit going down that involves both Sauce Monsters and also the Higher-Ups to have some fuckin absolute chaos go down.

Oops! All Trans

Everybody is transgender. Everyone

Ive actually workshopped this one both with ben (catgirlrepublic) and ghost (ghost-wannabe) lmao its a fun lil concept ive had from the get-go cause i mean. What’s an internet tran gonna do other than hit all their favourite media with the Everyone’s Trans beam

Dave transitioned post-high school and faked his death for it. People go missing in Undisclosed all the damned time, after all. He moved to the next city over, transitioned fully, then came back as a completely new man. Yes i know this doesnt exactly fit with the “everyone knows David from high school” thing alright, hush.

Anytime anyone brings up John’s old best friend (pre-transition Dave) John throws an entire fit like an overdramatic grieving widow. Full-on sobbing “why would you bring her up?! I miss her so much—” to the point that people just stop bringing up because Jesus Christ That Sure Is Uncomfortable KJHGFDS.

This is a scheme he and Dave came up with prior to Dave leaving, though Dave hadnt exactly anticipated John putting on this much of a performance about it— but it’s stopped Dave from ever having tto hear his deadname again, so hey.

Amy transitioned sometime in middle school/early high school. Her family was super supportive and loved her a ton and most people just know her as Amy. she was super shy her whole life really so. Yeah. people just dont think to bring it up lmao also i Feel Like big jim would absolutely wallop anyone who gave her trouble of any kind

John’s nonbinary (genderfluid specifically) and not exactly Interested in transitioning ? like hes fine with how he is. mostly.

he came out to Dave in high school but hes not out to anyone else exactly. Maybe his bandmates. Probably any other trans person in Undisclosed knows, too, cause theyre safe to tell lmao. Johns mostly a “he/him out of convenience” kinda nb who’s cool with any pronouns but does prefer they/them most. Dave and Amy use they/them when the trio are alone

Also this is a totally self-indulgent caveat that i think would be great, Dave’s actually agender but because he's transmasc and transitioned when he thought there were really only two options, and being Boy at least felt less weird than being Girl, he just kind of assumed he was a dude. It’s only through a lot of (like fucking years and years hes probably in his 30s/40s when he puts 2 and 2 together on this one) talks about gender with John that he realizes he actually feels like No Gender. Masc aesthetic with none gender.

I Just Think It’d Be Neat Is All Okay

Also Amy came out to Dave about being trans early on in them seeing each other and his response was to get very nervous before blurting out “me too” and then just being too embarrassed to talk about it for the rest of the day. Hes got a lot of hangups on talking about it actually it takes years for him to get comfortable in that

by contrast when Amy comes out to John about it his response is to yell “EYYY ME TOO” and give her a big ol hug lmao

I think itd be neatt if Amy ran a like. Transfem help/advice blog on tumblr. Kind of helped-with by John who can give her transfem nb insight for certain asks. I also just think that would be neat.

Cowboy AU - i put this one last cause its got drawings to it actually. Theyll be at the bottom

Basically just. Hey you ever watched a western. I think they look neat

This is another one me n ben have come up with lol

The soy sauce and all that shit still exist, im not sure where korrok fits in yet but ill figure it out

Theres no real like solid narrative yet ? but heres the barebones of everybody’s arcs.

John

Johns an absolute troublemaker, Of Course. Hes wanted in several towns for absolutely stupid shit. Hes a loner who shows up, causes chaos, gets drunk, does some drugs, runs away if people get too mad at him

He definitely had the same kind of deal with the soy sauce as in canon— he was at some kind of party, somebody offered it, he took it cause why the fuck wouldnt he, now he can see monsters and shit

Hes kind of a mooch also. Like. dont let him stay in your barn man he’ll never fucking leave and drink all your booze.

He runs into Dave when they happen to just, cross paths in the same town. the bullshit John stirs up ends up involving Dave in a way that makes it seem like it's his fault too, and they both get run out of town

after that he just tags along after Dave. hes decided this guy's Cool he wants to stick around. Dave is pissed at first, but not enough to shoot him or anything, and eventually, John grows on him

Dave

Dave also is a loner but unlike John hes simply so fucking awkward and bad with people. He doesnt feel like he belongs anywhere so he just travels

He’s the stereotypical Lone Ranger tbh. He wanders from town to town, solving their problems, though hed deny its out of any moral obligation (it kinda is, a little bit, tbh. He does like feeling useful). He shows up, fixes things, leaves. He's kind of a legend but most people think he's hiding something dark. other people jsut know him as that guy who farted real loud in the middle of the saloon and promptly skipped town out of sheer embarrassment. you know how it goes with Dave

He ends up involved with the Soy Sauce when a snake (not Actually a snake,) bites him. The snake’s more like the wig-monsters, really. Anyway, it injects him with the soy sauce, he fucking trips balls in the middle of the desert, he can see monsters now

He runs into John and shit goes tits-up, as said, but they become traveling buddies after that. he'd never say so, but he's glad for the company, actually. it's nice. hes not used to companionship but he feels a strange kind of easiness hanging out with John....

not sure how the Monster Dave concept will like fit in to this reality but like. trust me i want it in here. I'll Figure It Out.

Amy

Amy’s been living in a town John and Dave end up passing through and she is very curious about these two new Handsome Strangers who claim to fight monsters and just kinda. Persistently tags along til they let her join for real

Her family’s all dead, unfortunately, just like in canon, and she’s been living alone for a few years before meeting John n Dave. she had nothing left in that town to stay for, she'd been fantasizing about escaping on wild adventures for a long time and this felt a little like a dream come true. (Dave still gives her a spiel about how Difficult it is, but really, her fantasies were pretty grounded-in-reality already. i jsut think thats how she is, yknow?)

Shes the first person to react to the whole “we see monsters” shit with a kind of “oh, okay. neat” kind of response lmao

John and Dave fix whatever the fuck is up with her town (maybe that’s where the Korrok shit can fit, who knows) and Amy ends up being integral to that. After, she insists they take her with them because “they need her now” and Dave just cant really say no. John too is very much "the more the merrier!" and hes actually glad to have another person along he loves people lmao

At the start she has long hair but after she joins them she chops it short with a knife for convenience

also she still is an amputee. justt. idk. it was a wagon/stagecoach accident rather than a car accident lmao. just to clarify since i hadnt mentioned it, i wouldnt rob her of her ghost hand or yknow. all of the significance to her character that Missing A Hand has. although also now im going to have to research what was used as painkillers way-back-when, but im betting shes still got, like, her pain pills, they probably had those, maybe i wouldnt have to try too hard there. old timey medicine could be WACK though,

Shitload

Yeah hes in tthis shit mostly cause i liked designing his cowboy self lmao

Hes a kid (like 16, 17, technically i think in those days that was more Young Man than Kid but whatever. Hes Young i mean.) who got possessed by the Worms out in the desert and, by his family’s perception, just went missing!

Hes also a wanderer, but he ended up at the same town john and dave met in, at that same time, and starts following them after, already aware of who/what they are.

He keeps his face covered 24/7. actually he covers a Majority of his self for reasons. kinda want him to be a slightly more horrifying Worm Entity rather than human idk,

I kinda dont have much for this boy yet sorry Shitload

images !

with some editing notes for me cause im doing a very specific aesthetic with this lmao. i might change some lil details/colours though ...... idk

im also kinda 🤔 about shitload's colour palette. i want things assoicated w the sauce to be black'n'red predominantly but i think his palette might mirror dave's too closely. also im working on a korrok design i jsut am too busy to draw it now

#jdate #john dies at the end #aus #erh. tthe hell do i tag this as #rambles.txt #long post #well let me know if youd wanna hear more or. or something #send an ask. or whatever #yaknow #:jazz hands:

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sebbysheepie · 5 years

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I find it so funny people will send you vegan propaganda that has to do with dairy farms like sending that wont anything like it says all over your blog that you are a dairy farmer

I think its priceless they think watching things like cowspirisy will suddenly make me just.. release all the animals and see the error of my ways! Like.. my family has been doing this for centuries, I have a portrait of my great great grandfather with his favorite plow horse.. if that doesn’t show you how much they loved their animals Im not sure some people know what love is! Seriously, How can you understand animals when you drive to a petting zoo or by a farm and just see them grazing and suddenly think “i know whats best for them even thou i’ve never dealt with a living animal in my life, but i read on the internet and I saw one.. so i know best!”

I’ve been out in all weathers helping them calve, I was there getting them unstuck from messes they got into, I was the one dragging them from muck they where stuck in, Many years ago i was the one out in the fields putting out a grass fire and herding the cattle out to keep them safe! Then stayed up all night because the girls started popping out calves due to stress. Had 5 born in one night! I’m the one that wraps premies in clothes and set them in the kitchen to warm them and feed them, Their mothers couldn’t do that and I’m a terrible person for removing them to save them? This is the stuff we farmers do because we care, can;t even tell you how many times I’ve kept animals because I wanted them to have a quiet place to live out. And i am not the odd one, I know many people around here with horses too old and lame to be anything but hay burners, cattle that haven’t calved in years and blind bulls.. all the stuff ara say we rush to kill. Yes, we do sell animals, but we aren’t the monsters they want us to be, we are almost to caring. No farmer is rich and never will be. We do it because its in the blood and we can’t picture a life without waking to the animals needs. Farmers always put the animals first. I don’t see any vegan or Ara going without to give to anyone else. But i do see the farmers forgoing plenty.

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stargazinggirk · 6 years

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In response to PR, Lucy and Rami

Since another post directly referencing mine has been going around I’d thought I’d just clear up one of two points I guess I hadn’t well enough the first time around.

One I like Lucy and Rami both very much. If they are now dating or end up dating I’d be very happy. The man is 38 years old he deserves life partner or wife. And Lucy does too because we all deserve to be happy and loved. I shall never ever in a million years get the chance to meet or date either of them so why should I hate them if they are together? Why be jealous? if Lucy is the one than good she doesn’t seem like a bad or evil person she just seems highly career driven. Just like Rami was in his youth but when a woman show cases that we tend to cast her in a negative light that we don’t on men. That was the motivation for my post but I felt in order to express that I also needed to share what I have come to believe is the truth. Which is that the relationship is or mostly has been a PR stunt. Not talking about that fact felt wrong to me.

The reason for the PR stunt I gave was the nicest out of the three. Which was award season a little googling should explain that or maybe in the future I’ll write a non Rami related cliff notes post on how award season works in Hollywood and the millions of dollars that go into it and why. Because Oscars are still star makers and cash cows ( Bri Larson, Octavia spencer A24, Weinstein anyone) There are two other rumors flying but I don’t feel like they have enough ground or proof to bother writing about.

I came under fire for posting this as it was viewed as an attack on both actors privacy. Which depending on your definition of a public figure could very well be true. I’d normally agree 100% with that poster on this fact. It’s why I’ve with held my knowledge on their relationship and the PR rumors under wraps for sometime and the word in Hollywood till they made it quite clear that they are out in the public like this together and those public actions and comments in blogs,red Carpet interviews and speeches can be discuss and used as a point of reference. When you sit court side though you can get free tickets for more private places you want to be seen and don’t want privacy.

As for breaking rami’s privacy about the PR stunt it’s kinda all over and joked at among those close to a certain part of his inner circle. There isn’t much privacy left to be had. Why do you think almost right after it seemed like they were dating that there was a huge surge in people claiming it’s PR. No one claimed that when it Timmee and Lily Rose because Hollywood had known they were dating for months. No one within a ten foot radius of there social circle was shocked because it had always been tastefully known. There was no doubt they were a real couple. People date their co stars all the time and PR stunt rumors never spread because there is no grounds for it. It’s a when there is smoke their is fire moment and so far none of the smoke has cleared it’s only gotten thicker.

His acting coach ( current or former haven’t gotten a clear answer on that) is openly talking about it with many. If anyone has betrayed rami’s privacy it’s her. But maybe she didn’t really because maybe it’s not a secret Rami is too hot on keeping as it’s spread pretty far and the PR team is making basic moves. Play book moves on all of it. Their biggest mistake was the golden globes mini melt down which they’ve been correcting ever since.

As for why the press doesn’t ask about if it’s PR stunt? Oh my word. You do know how press for actors work right? It’s not journalists actors speak with. Their talking heads. Literally that’s what they are not so nicely referred to as because that’s their job. reps pick the questions. Anyone who is going to interview an actor is sent a list of no go questions and then submits their questions back so the actor can prep their answer. Why else do you think Live Aid is the main talking point of so many interviews? It’s been preplaned to be brought up. Also most of those people respect their guests and don’t want to shame them or make them uncomfortable by bringing up stuff they’ve been asked not to. It also a nice safety net if they get internet shamed for not asking questions. I couldn’t I was given orders not too.

So why doesn’t an interviewer break the rules? If you’re Ellen you can if you are a smaller red carpet person you get black balled. That PR team is never going on to let you speak to anyone of their stars again.

As for the London bffta comment which got mentioned in regards to my post rami is filming doctor doo little - or parts of it in London and possibly James Bond mostly at Pinewood in London. That sounds like a good reason especially given how much more layer back unhollywood like London is. Lucy could be a reason or it could be practical business investment most actors buy places where they film and then rent them out or make them over and sell them for a much higher price ( Angela Jolie’s Budapest short lived Budapest rel estates love affair anyone)

Look was my making the post or even the post the smartest choice of my life no. But the lack of understanding around Hollywood especially when it’s so easy to read the trades and follow key people on Twitter kills me.

So yes people of the internet doubt me. I am hidden behind a screenname and while I’ve made cases no solid proof has been offered. All I can encourage you to do if you want to argue or are curious is do research. Or better yet ask yourself what you are using to say if they are a couple or not. Or what you define as privacy. Or why you don’t like Lucy or don’t like rami or hate Hollywood. Think study learn and don’t consider not speaking on the internet till you can make sound well rounded response otherwise you are just adding to the noise.

And on a bottom bottom note time will tell us more about their relationship. How often she visits the mr robot set or hangs in New York how much he flies back to London over the 3 months after his Oscar win will let us know.

No they won’t break up right after. There will be a post Oscar honeymoon phase for at least a month and then Lucy is will slowly start a social media rebranding of sorts. Showing more of her life and career than she had before and rumors of power moves and the roles she is up for and in talks for will poor in. Then after about 3 months nothing 6 months they don’t be dating but with probably only one or two vague stories of them growing apart - but how successful they are either on E! Or entertainment tonight.

If none of the above follows then I was wrong and my sources mislead or mistaken and I shall be the first to congratulate Lucy and rami and cheers their loyalshippers. Because none of this is an attack against them it’s about the bs we force on movie stars as fans and what the industry does to them.

And on a petty note of this level of breaking down Hollywood and explaining all that I have at a university level with years of experience on this matter sounds like a 12 year old crap post out of jealousy to you then why are you on the tumblr fighting for moviestars honor when you clearly are too brilliant for the likes of this? Just saying that was a really dump attack against me and my credibility t - go on correct my English it’s not my first language nor my second.

#rami malek #fan page #actor #actress #lucy boynton #borap #pr #award season #gossip

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nerdfairyofdoom-blog · 6 years

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About Me

Hey, so a thought i would give you a bit of insight on who i am since anyone who decides to check me out might have a few questions :D

-warning a bit long-

Firstly my nickname - Xoachel i am a cosplayer who loves anime, video games and comics. It’s pronounced So-Chill lol why does a white girl have a asian nickname? Well to be honest i had an amazing roommate a looooong time ago i can’t remember her last name to save my life T__T but she was an inspiration to me on how she chose to live her life so decided to honor her so i can remind myself as well to be what i want and not be pressured by those around me. Soooooo... if you ever see this, thank you for being a beautiful person both inside and out -hugs- ;w; -sigh- never told anyone about that backstory before so i’m glad i was able to get it out there since i use to be embarrassed and dismiss it like i made it up myself >.> i will eventually but before i get enough confidence to make my own path i’m ok with hiding in their shadow. -fb page for cosplays is literally Xoachel Cosplays -

How old am i.... twenty seven <.< but told i look like i’m about eighteen

sexuality.... eue wouldn’t you like to know jkjk shouldn't matter really tbh

religion.... well im a collection of different beliefs for the most part picked what i liked from each and made my own set of beliefs -shrugs- so to make it simplest i can i just say non actively practicing pagan or wiccan as i believe but don’t need a coven or to “pray/worship” or celebrate holidays... i mean i do on occasion but only when i feel the need not because i feel i have to or that it’s required i do if that makes sense ^u^ so while on that line ghosts = yes, angels = yes, demons = yes, God/gods = yes, aliens = i dun feel it but wont bash you for the slight possibility ouo-b will debate and chat about anything cause i like understanding your reasoning and choices it helps expand and grow ones mind

political views... outta site outta mind until election time xD i don’t identify with having a mindset for politics

favorite animes - Time of eve, Yona of the Dawn, Aesthetica of a Rogue Hero, and many more xD im fond of most series so don’t have a set “favorite” will watch anything at least once.

fave games - so far i would have to say the old dragon quest, final fantasy series, most old system games, and the kings quest series TuT old systems and pc i had to sell of my old systems for cash a while back and can’t currently afford to buy them again nor new ones so just pc only lately <.< -sigh-

How do you spend your free time? well been busy with school and soon work so don’t get much time for things TuT but when i do i play online games as well as getting caught up on my “Line Webtoon” - free webcomic site :D go check them out -might be making a comic for there soon myself- I write as well as doodle and when i have time with my hubby we watch anime <u<

likes? PUNS, tea/coffee, herbology, baking, cosplaying, gardening, anything nerdy -hence other nickname- ,mythology, magic, music, MMA - actual fights not rigged garbage >:D , reading, dark humor, memes, DISNEY and other animations ouo-b and yes others amazing art including tattoos OuO i don’t mind saying im a art whore xD just kidding im just a art dragon i collect all the shiniez ~

dislikes? - fake people, bullies, internet trollz, <.< needles...., abuse overly controlling people, authority figures >u> hahaha who does. not much pisses me off besides people being blatantly rude to others for no reason or hating someones “OPINION” :/ seriously your opinions shouldn’t be an onion and make people cry even if its in the word =v= -bad pun humor galore sorry-

little known facts - i have a modeling page and had only one job so far was in the commercial for six flags CA, for the Dare Devil roller coaster. - I have good and bad luck combo sample situation <.< won VIP tickets to DBZ return of freeza and then find out i didn’t have a way to get to its location so sold the ticket to someone i considered a friend... he took the tickets and ran blocked me after and never paid for them =__= - i love horror movies and games but i can’t do jump scares or overdose of blood or things with needles xD that’s my weakness... - i play DnD and i’m down to join on a roll20 campaign ouo-b can’t say i’m good but at least i’m creative

WHAT IS THIS BLOG???

it is a place for me to put my opinions on products that i tested as well as reviews on comics, manga, games. cosplays and con info and my other drivel :D so i hope this doesn’t bore you. if i have a video version it will be linked so you can listen instead of reading it for those lazy bums -raises hand- i’m guilty too at times so no shame there lol. As for my writing and teaching of magic that is on my other account “Innocent Succubus” for those who want to learn or find cool facts on things~ -yes i believe and am pagan/wiccan if you wanna call it that, i just call it being in-tune to beyond the veil - if you haven’t noticed emoji’s galore <u< feel free to ask what they mean to me though most are just different smiley faces and such lol

feel free to ask anything, speak freely and request topics and other things owo i’m open to hearing more about what others have to say on what i post.

MY APOLOGIES TO EVERYONE THIS WAS LONGER THEN I ANTICIPATED THANKS FOR THOSE WHO READ THE ENTIRE THING OMG ;w; much love no joke~

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somaybeimbiased · 6 years

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You know, we all suffered a tragedy. But the reality is, we didn't know him. We only knew who he showed us. And if you think you are hurt, I can guarantee that those 4 boys feel the pain you do X100. Key recently said that he was disappointed in fans, because people can't let it go, they won't stop talking about it. And I couldn't agree more. I'm sorry to say that I am going to unfollow you, as well as a handful of others, because I don't want to feel this pain every time I'm online.

I’m sorry, but I’m not sure why you felt the need to announce to me that you are unfollowing me. I care deeply about my followers, and this is the first time anyone has ever said that it bothers them so much. And since you are on anon I can’t quite say whether I am disappointed you are unfollowing me or not. But before you leave an anon message to someone, maybe take into consideration about how they feel. I’ve already been vocal about how strong I think Jonghyun’s personal loved ones are. On how strong the members of SHINee are. I’ve have said it time and time again how I can’t even imagine how they must feel. But while they feel more pain than I do, that doesn’t mean I’m not feeling anything. That’d be the same as telling someone who is hungry that they shouldn’t complain bc there are children starving all over the world. Do not dismiss and invalidate my feelings.

You should also take into consideration that everyone goes through pain their own way. I’ve been a Shawol since 2010, I was 11 at the time, and I have grown up listening to SHINee. Was I as involved back then? No, but I still knew who they were, and they were the only kpop group I listen to for a long time until I got older. I grew up listening to Lucifer, Ring Ding Dong, and all of their music until now. SHINee is the only group, the only entertainers, the only anything I have followed and kept tabs on, bought merch from, etc. The loss of Jonghyun hit me hard because a lot was going on in my life as well. I am diagnosed with severe clinical depression as well as anxiety, as well as therapist diagnosed paranoia. Ever since I was a kid, that made it very difficult to move on from things. When my grandfather died when I was 12, I wouldn’t talk to anyone until we had the service. And I felt like I couldn’t cry. I didn’t cry until a month afterward. I felt like everyone had forgotten that it has already been a month, and I cried and got so angry with my parents. It’s still hard for me to go to my grandfather’s old bedroom when I visit my grandma. I am someone who holds onto things and I become sentimental and that’s who I cope. Yes, slowly, it does get better, but people like you don’t make it any easier. I want to quickly address what you said about Key. And you show me a link or an account of him saying that ‘ he was disappointed in fans because people can’t let it go, they won’t stop talking about it.’ Becuase dang, I follow them pretty closely and I haven’t seen one thing about him saying this. I also asked a few Shawol friends of mine about it and they said the same thing as me. I even googled it, and you know that if Kibum said something like this, the internet would be talking about it. He did say he was upset at the fans who claimed they were only doing ‘From Now On’ for the money. Or that he was afraid to go out after the incident because people weren’t treating him regularly. But never in a million years would I think Kibum would say this. Telling us to ‘let it go’ and stop talking about it? Telling us to forget about it and move on from Jonghyun, when he and the rest of SHINee have been so outspoken about keeping the memories of Jonghyun alive and keeping Jonghyun as a part of SHINee? Ridiculous.

I am sorry for posting on my blog how I feel sometimes. But it is my blog, and I will post what I want to post on it. If I wanted to turn it into a SpongeBob meme account I could, because it’s my account. And I’m not sorry for saying this, but if you’re going around and making Shawols feel bad for missing someone, idol or not, who we hold dearly to our hearts, I do not care if you unfollowed me. I don’t want people like that following me anyways. We are Shawols, and we are supposed to raise each other up and offer support, not tear each other down. I would understand if you see my posts sometimes at night when I’m upset and I have nowhere else to go and you decided to unfollow me because of that. I would get it. But you have no right to come to my blog, put fake words into Kibum’s mouth, and then announce you’re unfollowing me. It’s rude, and you have done nothing but make me feel bad for how I sometimes still get sad. You won’t see this, because you unfollowed me, but I wanted to address the fact that Shawols who are going around and harassing other Shawols for still going through hard times are not true Shawols. SHINee doesn’t want us to forget him. And so we wont ever forget him, but you have to realize that while still supporting them, and listening to their music, nostalgia and emotions will come around. There are good days and bad nights sometimes. That’s just how it is. And I know I’m not the only Shawol who still gets upset at times. You can’t act like all I post it about how sad I am. If I couldn’t stand to think about Jonghyun, I wouldn’t write what I do and create the content I do. I would support SHINee the way I do. But everyone goes through rough patches.

Have a great day.

Edit: This is sent to me last night and I just got upset over it. Thats why I asked if me sharing my personal thoughts on here actually bothered anyone in my last post.. Thanks

#personal #shinee #tw #shinee world

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esfarrapsdodia · 3 years

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Second draft!

Well, that was not a daily update, not even a wekly one, but I'm here!

And you too Camomille (I like the fact there is actually no one reading it but I keep assuming you are; it's better actually, being you and me alone in the internet world. I was actually always relutant on making a blog, someone could end up reading too soon. I don't know, I mean I'm writing then someone will read it and I don't know, be inspired or laugh their eyes out, and I'm also scared of someone read it... Yeah, MOVING ON)

SO! Last time I came, I said I had some goals, probably, I just remember two. One was to find a study book and the other make a routine!

I did! It took more than a week, and I almost gave it all up, maybe I did not, and came to update!. Lol.

So, I found the book, I got genki (on a super legal way, since my parents super know what I am studying and also I`m a grown independ woman, of course, that`s the truth)

Yes, I know it`s ilegal, I promisse if I like it I`ll buy it in the future! It`s just that I don`t even know if I`m going to make it and I am planning to buy an advanced English book (since I still want to study in Canada or German to my second degree). And that stuff is expensive.

Anywhays! Let`s go to some legal stuff I`m doing to study! I also found two websites that seems to be working out on the learning senteces? LingQ and Hukumusume.com. I will explain

The first one is from a seems to be really king old man that knows a bunch of cool languages and made a website to help language learners out.

It has some cool future but I`m just on the first story, basically they offer me a bunch of grammar lessons and some easy stories in japanese that I translate slowly till I start to get the language working. Something around it. If it`s working, I ain`t really sure, I mean, I am better at understanding the Japan quote structure, what is great! But it is still really slow and hard, but even he said it`s gonna take a lot of determination to get somewhere! So I`m holding on to that! Also, I try to stay motivated sinse Twisterd wonderland is not translated yet and I am too anxious for understand the game, also I subscribed to some music channels in japanese and I`m so curious for the comments and the no music videos.

This kind of motivation has two sides since, A- I get hyped and motivated/ B- I get too scared since it`s taking too long and I want to get them now. And feel bad I`m a slow learner and etc

But, I try to think on the things I know.

For example!

I learned some news particles (basicale some syllabes that make a bunch of words work together, like the glue of the japanese senteces), I just knew one way of using NO and HA. Till now, there is only one way to use ha, but I am starting to feel more confortable with the second way of using NO. And also I got the NI particle better (it`sm more or less like the at in english). OH! Also, I learned that jin means from somewhere, so you can say Japan jin, that would be like japanese, but I don`t know the country names or cities in japanese so I can`t make a sentece out of it, YET

BUT BACK TO MY POINT

ROUTINE

I said I was going to make one.

So, I got myself a new goal, that was accidental.

So, my mom found a website that gives some tips if you want to get into a foreign university, and I basically found out I have no sufficient extracurriculars (Also, I`m 18 it`s not like I`m going to get myself so many opportunities that easily) so we needed to make ourselves some oportunities! That`s one of the reasons I decided to make a blog out of my language learning progress. I mean, I started it and since I`m not telling anyone about this idea of mine (I don`t want to feel pressured if I don`t finish), I needed to have a place to cherrish my accomplishments! And since the website said I should focus on my liking and dreams and also making a website to share it would be nice. Here I am (ALSO, notice that sharing in a website no one knows who you are and isn`t really reading it makes things easier >3)

Back to the extra thing I got in my routine!

It`s an online theather course.

It sounds weird, I know. Maybe it does now to you Chamomille, but I`ll clarify

I`m the shy/introverted girl from my school, the one that speaks so smothly it seems like there is a rat that speaks (but when I`m excited I scream and chat like a megaphone, turned on a super powerful battery), the one that didn`t really engaged into school dances and presentations. It`s not because I did not want too, NO. I actually lied to myself that was the reason. But I just got so scared of the eyes of people on me, the judgemnt I thought that was there that... I couldn`t move.

In fact, I just hid myself on things I could do, write.

I am a writer, even thought I am in a personal block (again), and I even helped on mini school theathers to make the script. But that was not the only thing I wanted to do, and since I had no much experience in good interactions with real people, my dialoges lack smothness. I tried to fix it myself, Let`s briethly say, I could not.

I mean, let`s be fair, I improved a lot! I moved myself to talk, I participated on a RPG session (a lot actually) with people I didn`t even know, somehow that worked out for a while. I made myself talk in big group chats, I even had conversations that lasted more than some are you okay patterns. Yeah, but it was not enough. I lacked movement, I was so scared to mess everything up! I can`t really say, but I have rules in my head, really thouth ones, that if I break, Everyone is going to hate me, that`s final.

That get`s me over the heels and so exausted.

But there was a thing I always hear of theather courses, that even shy people get themselves more confidence and more social skilled when they engage on this kind of art.

So I thought, I`m already 18, I`m going to need social skills, I am needing some strong help. So, yeah.

That`s how it ended

Course to Enem (somehow like SAT)

Theather course

Japanese

Oh, I take swimn classes so I wont dye by diabetes (it`s in my family bloodline)

It sounds simples, but not much since I have terrible focus and Enem is in november,

God, help.

BUT, I have a routine, the fourth attempt this year! But this one seems better than the last one. And I have you, Chamomille on my side!

I think I sound desesperated.

Wait a second

THis was suposed to be a japanese learning diary...

Okay

Well!

I did include around two hours of japanese per day, the first one is updating flashcards and my apps (that helps me with hiragana and katakana) and the second one is purely readind and making new flashcards. First in the morning, second in the early night.

Since it`s the one I am more passionate about, I get one hour to be one of the first things I do to make myself more motivated byu the rest of the day and the second the last activitie so I will have energy to do it even if I am tired.

I don`t know how good this routine is, that is the first official day, since I was feeling quite bad since back back yesterday, alas monday, I was not making great improvements, but I did a good job today, and I hope tomorrow will be better!

Alas, my next goal!

1. I want to really follow the japanese routine (together with the rest of it, but this is a japanese blog after all)

2. I want to read the second page of lingQ story (it is divided in pages)

I won`t start with the textbook right now, I`m still working hard on my kanas and lingq to get grammar into this mess, also, I only study two hours per day, I want to focus on reading a lot first!

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greathotshave · 6 years

Text

Flying with Terrence

Every once in awhile, I have been moved to spend a blog post on a friend. So, joining Steve and Dan, is my wingman in gaming for at least the past dozen years, Terrence Miltner. There’s a lot of nerd/geek stuff in this one, so it’s up to you to follow through on links provided for clearer understanding.

I just spent the weekend of March 23-25 with Terrence and Mona in their lovely bungalow in Forest Park, Illinois, to attend Adepticon, a very large convention for wargaming. I’d gotten in late that Thursday night and we had an X-Wing tournament the next morning, but after a generous taste of Papa’s Pilar rum, I felt right at home. The next morning’s conversation was about what pop culture influences we had growing up. Mine was definitely Marvel Comics, his was somewhere between DC and Star Trek: TNG. All in all, I do believe the codes of behavior exemplified by superheroes have served us well.

So, I’ve played games all my life, but other than a semester of playing bridge, the gaming life took an hiatus to life in the mundane world: getting through college, getting married, going to work, making a home, and having a couple of kids. That’s where the gaming life took on a reboot. I had been playing virtual games on our Atari computer for a few years, but face-to-face, in-the-moment play is much more soul satisfying. That restarted when the boys brought home Magic the Gathering cards. This intriguing mix of collectible cards (yes, I’d had plenty of baseball cards in my youth) plus a role-playing game was in my wheelhouse. It also helped that I didn’t mind losing to sons who hated to lose.

During those post-Wonder years, the three of us went through quite a few variations of collectible card games (CCGs). Then came Mage Knight, followed by Hero Clix. I was pretty hopelessly sucked into gaming. When the boys eventually left for college and the Army, I was on my own. I’m fairly resourceful, however, and well-acquainted with the Internet, so I found out that you could play other “kids” in the backrooms of comicbook stores at night and on weekends. The community was probably ten-to-fifteen years younger than me, but that presented no barrier. I got a lot of practice and actually won some games sometimes.

So there’s Terrence, a couple of tables away, playing in a Hero Clix tournament, when he sees me looking at him with a wondering look. He mouths: “ALA?” And we both grin. To have someone to have so many things in common, a specialized language of gaming, makes going to work bearable when all else is in tatters. Over the years, we have introduced each other to an assortment of board games as well as collectible miniatures games (CMGs) as well as sharing the ups and downs of life while at work conferences as well as gaming conferences. We have supported each other during periods of unemployment as well which is a good test of friendship as some people think of the condition as contagious.

In 2015, I was honored to be part of his wedding party, where the theme was the wedding of Sherlock Holmes’s Dr. Watson from the most-recent adaptation, Sherlock, the one with Benedict Cumberbatch. (Terrence is in the middle of that photo, his brother Brian the bookend on the right.) There was no clinking of glasses to get Terrence and Mona to kiss. Your table had to solve a mini mystery! (I would like to make clear that the two of them need no excuses to kiss but they’ve been to enough weddings to know how to circumvent the obnoxious. They are well matched.)

For too short a period, we had a play group that met monthly to try out new board/miniature games or play old favorites. One night I remember well, for playing Battlestar Galactica, a few drinks and we were all role-playing the characters a bit too stridently but there was always a lot of laughter, to be sure. Winning is important but it isn’t the only thing.

Terrence, however, is a gamer of quite a different magnitude than me. Not only in terms of the variety of games played and amount of time playing, but in terms of conference attendance (the above photo of name tag collection should suffice as proof) in support of games and related activities.

He is a high-ranking member of an organization called Barfleet, which provides a service for the geeks, nerds, and fans of all flavors in the after hours of a convention.

He recently chaired Capricon after many years as a support person on various committees and has been involved in Worldcon, which facilitates the awarding of Hugos to the best science fiction works of the year.

Terrence has a gift for listening that aids his gift to being able to talk to just about anyone. We were having lunch at Fado in Chicago and decided to have Irish coffee. The bartender boasted that the whiskey was particularly special and Terrence was off to the races. After all, as a Barfleet host, he, too, is a bartender! After some technical discussion about favorites, we received a free shot of named whiskey. Later, Terrence spied the bartender fiddling with a bottle of Jameson that was like 100 years old or whatever. Yep, another free shot for Terrence and his friend. (As Terrence is wont to say, if you’re going to drink all day, you better start early.)

This gift really came home to me as we walked around the booths and corridors of Adepticon this year. (This was the next day, after we both had done abysmally at the Hoth Open X-Wing tournament.) He knew a lot of people and seemed determined in introducing game designers to vendors or podcasters, which is a growing edge of game development. He is an ambassador of gaming in every sense of that word.

He also is a true friend. I am blessed indeed.

#Adepticon #Capricon

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princess-of-embarrassment · 4 years

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Some 3 am realizations about life, relationships and maybe more?? idk whatever have fun.

Ok before i start on this shit I am going to say it is 3 am and i am just dumping some thoughts like i usually do. Sorry for the shit grammar, disorganized thoughts and all that jazz... In a sense i feel like this is a letter to myself and what i have been trying so damn hard to understand so yeah i am talking to myself and to this website. I think. Idk. i will probably delete this in the morning when i am back on bad bitch mode and go back to posting memes pero por ahora vamos a ver como nos va. Mayb ei will leave it up bc i forget or because i dont care who sees it. sorry for the shitshow of a post you are about to read but you probably already kinda know me so yay! I debated posting this shit because the internet is a wildin place but oh well!!1!!11

ok tumblr it is 3 in the morning and i have 100% regressed into being a 15 years old on this damn website shitposting and reblogging some corny ass posts but it feels right, so here i am attempting to process it through the only form i know how to actually know how to cope with things. I mean memes are cool and all but lets be real, they don’t address the problems. this is the one place i can brain dump all of my thoughts and not really care about where they go because they will eventually disappear in the tumblr algorithm.

My old blog was often the only separation I had between my reality and the life i really wished i had, but now I have that life that I always wanted so why the hell am i back at square one? To be fair, the life that i have right now may not be envied by many but its a pretty darn good life to me. Im safe 99.9% of the time. The other .1% is a story for another day. I have been trying to figure out for months as to why i’m back to being so active on here and now that it’s 3:00am I realize it’s because of self isolation (thanks corona!).

Let me start off by saying this; my reality is not something I am going to be able to escape. Ever. It has brought me to where i am today, allowed me to meet some really incredible people and i am so so grateful. I have learned so much in the past few years. i am grateful what happened happened. Wild, i know. I escaped it physically but i cannot escape it mentally, at least for now. School, work, writing, dealing with my freshmen’s problems was what kept my brain occupied and away from having to face the part of my life that I really just want to forget. To be fait my trauma response has taken pretty good care of fucking up my memory and all of those fun things but ironically the things i want to forget about so badly are the things i think about every single day without skipping a beat. brains are weird like that.

I am ok now but sometimes i forget and fall back into my new reality. That is ok. People that know my story ask me why i don’t write about it on a public platform because it’s inspiring?? or hopeful?? or whatever cliche people want to use when addressing a topic that makes them uncomfortable and they want to feel better about the life they live. 21 year old latina girl faces adversity and lives the american dream (barely)..i mean, i did run a whole ass magazine and wrote a piece for graduation including some details of my story but that was like the rated g version with only the little sad parts that people are able to handle without feeling like their comfort zone is being violated. MEdia is a wonderful place isnt it??? so i get where they are coming from, but what they dont understand is that an international platform is not where i can share any of these thoughts... Listen, I know this is cryptic and confusing and you are probably really curious about what the hell happened to me but i don’t feel safe to type it out on international platforms with public access. I don’t know if i ever will... Yeah i can talk to people i trust about it because i am in control of the space and the situation and who is obtaining that information but you never really know with the internet.

maybe in the future i’ll write a book on it. even then i will probably use my alias make it a YA fiction with an added love story that ends in a happy ending. Maybe one day one of the school girl crushes I have will turn into that YA story and i dont have to make any of it up.

If i am honest...this blog is the only safe place i will probably ever have where he wont find me. He can find my school and my address and phone number and work and everything in between because that is just the way things work. Yeah yeah i get it stop posting shit on social media that is how he finds you whatever. What people dont understand is that I cant stop living my life again. I already started so i cant go back to giving him that power. It makes no sense. Also, his family is too confused by all of the ups and downs of the last year that they dont really know where i am going or what i am doing. So anyways, long story short - That’s why i am back on here, because it has become the same written safe haven I had when i was 15 and tried to escape my physical reality. Only difference is that i am trying to manage the mental reality of it all...

I also have so many questions about what to do next. Like i mentioned in another post, i didnt think i would make it to 21 but i did. I didnt think this far ahead so i guess i will just figure it out along the way but hear me out. How do i face a new reality that no one can relate to. At least not the people around me. How do i make friends and know when the “right time” is to tell them hey btw if this happens lmk lol. Even more importantly (because it relates to my future as world famous YA novelist.. lol sure grace...) How do I even date someone??? many questions are tied to that. like... I know theyre going to ask. “what happened?” “who is it?” “how can i help?” “Isnt there something we can do?”. i am more than willing to answer these questions because fuck, if im dating someone i would be curious too.. but do i even answer those questions. How do i know they are ready to handle that kind of information? how can i guarantee theyre not going to leave. How can i know that they arent going to be frightened by what has happened. how do i know they are not going to think differently of me. How do i explain to this person “yeah i have stress nightmares about what happened and when i wake up i think i am back in that situation and not where i live and i have to remind myself i am in a whole different area code but then its fine lol so if we share a bed at any point in time dont be alarmed if i wake up in a panic.” or how do i explain to them when something triggers me and all i can do is freeze because maybe it is him. Maybe he finally found me. but then i am back to reality and move on with my day because that is the only thing left to do. I cant throw myself a shitty pity party thats generic as fuck and i dont have time for it but whatever. moving on. next question. How do i know theyre not gonna walk away because they have the misconception so many people have?? Just because i went through some shit doesnt mean i am unstable or unloveable or whatever bs people think. This isnt going to go away. This shit is a aprt of me but it doesn not define me. it is not who i am.I dont have the option to make it go away but people have the option to pick up their things and go. seems unfair to me sometimes. It seems unfair to generalize people like that. I am always open to a new relationship but people expect me to be sitting at home scared to go out into the world and live my life. I have a life to live and i am so ready to explore it by myself or with someone by my side but quarantine has brought me back on here to deal with the fact that i am back to being stuck inside. Mentally and physically. One sucks less than the other.

I have so many other questions but i am feeling tired again and its almost 4am so maybe i should go to bed. Y’all dont know how happy i am to have this trash site to vent to in the middle of the night. theres some relly judgy people on here but at least i know my feed wont judge me or try to fix what has happened. it will just listen.

Anyways, i doubt anyone will read this because this post got long as fuck but if you did i give you a high five and a virtual hug for getting through the clusterfuck of sentences. Thanks tumblr. If i ever go viral again on this shitshow of a website i may have to bring back my studyblr and go underground lmfao jk maybe. I cant wait to hug my friends and the people i have met that have become a part of my daily routine (yes even during social isolation, get off my ass I am still socially isolating). All i can do for now is wait for someone who cares about me for me and isn’t scared of my past or the pieces of it that linger in my present. I deserve nothing less. if they cant do that they are not worth my time and i hope they drop their keys every single time they go to open their front door. oh... they also better be ready for the hours i spend typing away my thoughts on my computer. Maybe one day they will be allowed to read them too... lol maybe not. whatever who knows. Peace out kiddos stay healthy xoxo.

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askderynsharp · 8 years

Note

wait so are deryn and alek buggering or not

((Short answer: Yes, but I’m not gonna draw it.))

((Long nsfwish answer below the cut))

So I used to read, write, and consume porn of characters that were 15 to 16 years old, because at the time I was 15 years old.

See, growing up young girls don’t really get to have the opinion of exploring their sexuality. That’s considered a boy thing. Even the most liberal progressive mother wont bring up sex to her daughter until the daughter is ready to talk about it, and the daughter doesn’t want to talk about it because they’re told between the lines of everything they experience that they arent supposed to be interested in that sort of thing. But I have literally thought about sex every moment of every day ever since I learned about it at 13, and even before then was obsessed with intimacy even before I know what those feelings meant. I am a very sexual person, and I started having really intense sexual feelings at around 14. Of course I was too young to experience sex at the time physically, but I was still THINKING about it, almost constantly. I had questions, I was confused, and though I was not emotionally ready for sex I was fascinated by the concept. I was too young for a proper boyfriend, and porn was sort of empty and meaningless, I wanted to know what it was like to have sex on an emotional level.

I read Leviathan when I was 14, just between eighth grade and highschool. I was obsessed with Deryn Sharp because I felt that I kinda was her. She looked like me, in that she was tall and blonde, and had similar tomboyish personality. I also spent a lot of my pre-pubescence crossdressing (or rather, strapping down my tits with duct tape in the girls locker room) and was constantly wishing I could be one of the boys. (subtle.)

When I started having confusing feelings of wanting to explore sexual concepts I was too ashamed to see myself in a sexual situation. And similarly to most of the girls in my class, I found it easier to think about sex so long as it was about someone else I could easily project myself onto.

A little known fact in the history of children’s media is that it was primarily developed by psychologists because children have an easier time processing emotions if they’re experiencing it through someone else. There is a reason child therapists often have dolls with personalities pertaining to traumatizing situations, kids don’t want to talk about their own feelings but can still understand and explain those feelings under the guise of explaining a character. Fictional characters in children’s media EXIST so kids can relate to them, and navigate their own feelings through them. When I was 15, I didn’t want to read about an experienced sexually confident 30 year old woman’s sex life, I wanted to know what it was like for someone like me, someone who would be scared and embarrassed and have a hard time communicating exactly what she wants out of a relationship.

As some of you know, in early highschool I started this blog with amateur (and kinda cringey) art asks about my opinions of the book. Most of it was silly, from my infamous ‘fluffy Newkirk’ to ‘crazy femenazi Lilit’ but something I got heat with even back then was my interpretation of Deryn’s sexuality.

In my blog’s canon, Alek and Deryn were at a point in their relationship where they were regularly having sex. I never specified that they were older, as far as I portrayed it the events of my blog took place immediately after the final book in the series, Goliath, ended. I read smut of them on fanfiction.net (incidentally, also written by minors) and even went as far as to publish my own erotic work when I was feeling brave enough.

Now that I am adult, of course, I look back at that shit and shudder. For a while I considered taking the blog down, as it did feature underage sexual content, but ultimately decided it was important that the blog stayed up. I am a huge advocate for keeping children and sexual experiences separate, but I think that it IS healthy and important for children to understand sex before they’re ready to have sex. Someone I’m very close to had his first sexual experience before understanding what sex was like (good little boy, he had never once masturbated or watched porn beforehand) and he said it was one of the most scarring experiences of his life and could have easily been made healthy if he just knew what was going on beyond what a teacher told him in sex ed (which very famously, isnt a lot)

I am uncomfortable with the idea of seeing two teenagers go at it and would never draw someone under 18 naked, but when I was a teenager myself it was validating and satisfying for me. It helped me understand. It told me that I wasn’t bad for having sexual thoughts and desires, and gave me an outlet. Especially since it wasn’t just raunchy porn, but porn of a couple that love and respected each other.

Sexuality on the internet treads a fine line. But I think the important factor about it is that the characters that we are seeing in sexual situations are fictional. This of course doesn’t mean underage smut is harmless so long as its fictional, *cough* otaku *cough* but I think that the fact that since these characters don’t exist (and furthermore, are shown to be made an appropriate age) means that its safe for young girls and boys to project their budding sexual feelings on them. At 16, I didn’t want to relate to someone who was old and mature, I wanted to relate to someone relevant to me.

And I still heavily relate to Alek and Deryn, and as such still think of them sexually sometimes when considering my own relationships. I think it is very likely that they had underaged sex based on hints in the bonus chapter and what we know about social norms the Leviathan universe.

But that doesnt mean I’m gonna draw teenagers boning.

When push comes to shove I’m an adult now, and really dont have anything to gain from imagining literal children having sex. I’m not into 16 year olds, and I’ve pretty much answered most of the questions I’ve had concerning my sexuality by now. As many of you know I have this whole extended continuity that stretches way into the future and has a plethora of ocs that include Dalek’s children. Where do you think babies come from dudes? Of course they’re still having sex, and of course I draw it sometimes because guess what I like sex.

But the versions of Deryn and Alek that I draw porn of are so divorced from their younger canon counterparts that I often just describe them as OCs when showing the art to other people. In my head they’ve completely changed into adults, not just taller and with bewbs but emotionally as well. I’ve taken liberties in altering their worldview to be more mature, borrowing many of the lessons and trials I myself have picked up over the years. My interpretation of adult Dalek was made through me imagining those characters growing up beside me at the same speed, and really I’ve done more written work of them just existing as adults then I have of them having sex. (Here’s the full timeline, btw.) They’re not at all the same as they were in the book, I’ve devoted time and effort into theorizing their development over the course of literal years.

So yeah. They’re having sex. Teenagers do that. If there are any teenagers on this blog feel free to write all the porn you want. But I’m not putting any here, because me and a vast majority of my followers are adults who dont wanna think about kids that way. I’m also gonna try and keep it clean for kids who just dont have an interest in sex and would rather read my quality content that supposedly exists.

That being said, please continue to send me prompts to misinterpret. Thats a load of silly goofy harmless fun. Just dont be disappointed when I bend over backwards to make something sexy funny instead.

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jijnoble20431185-blog · 7 years

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fauxhammerblog · 8 years

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Cheap DIY Dice Tray in 15 steps

Welcome to the new year everyone, let's hope 2017 is a great year for all hobbyists (well, for everyone really, but you guys are my favourite people ;) ).

As an aside - My hobbying resolution is write ad write the ultimate beginners guide in 2017 by compiling a huge amount of resources and knowledge from across the internet into one easily digestible guide for newcomers/returners. As I have been away from this hobby for over 16 years, coming back was so daunting. When pro's write guides, I find that sometimes they are so far disconnected from the introduction to miniature war-games they're speaking a different language to what beginners would even understand. Hopefully with my former knowledge (of what's important) and my recent re-introduction I feel I'm in a great place to write in a way that's more directed at beginners. Essentially miniature wargaming 101. (I may even move away from this blog to a separate website dedicated to Miniature wargaming info)

I'll be looking for help from people in the the community for this mammoth task, so if you are interested in helping staff build a community resource, comment or drop me a line and I'll be in touch.

Anyway, on with the post. If like me you got some new games for Xmas or you have some old ones you play on the tabletop. I've found a dice tray is a fantastic tool to stop you hitting your mini's or getting rolls that land on the edge of something. to keep games fair too, we've instigated the rule that the dice must hit a side of the tray to be counted. Just to avoid anyone trying to do trick roll and get what they want every time.

Shortly after having my first ever game of Space Hulk, I realised a Dice Tray would be useful to stop my dice from knocking minis, landing at odd angles against the board, falling off the table and would just be a generally cool thing to have. (sorry if you don't like the colour, but in case you can't tell by the blog theme, I like Black and Orange) You can make this in pretty much any colour you like (so long as you're happy with the frame in Black or White, or you want to paint it.

I usually turn to eBay for all of my hobby supplies, 2 reasons. one is that it is normally the cheapest place to pick up supplies and tools, and 2 is that if you click my links and make a purchase, eBay will pay me for the referral. Yes, I'm making some money (like £3 a week) from this site, but at least I'm not bullshitting you about it. Anyway, this time eBay failed me! Search for Dice Tray and you're looking at £15 minimum. It's not too bad, but the quality of the cheapest items did not seem worth £15 to me. So, with a little ingenuity, I decided to make one, and doing this meant I could have a decent sized tray in the colours I wanted. The best part is it cost me less than £5 and I managed to make this on Boxing Day, that includes going out and buying the parts. Dice Trays on eBay After the Jump, I'll show you how to make one for yourself for less than £5 (£10 if you get the components online).

First you want to pick up the parts, there are only 2 things you need (and some consumable items you probably already have)

Ikea Ribba Frame 23cm x 23 cm

(It's about £7.50 on eBay, which is daft as it's only £3.50 in store for Black or White)

Luckily for me, I live this close to an IKEA, i can be from my front door to theirs in less than 3 minutes if I run (I don't run, it took 5 minutes).

Coloured Felt,

You can pick this up in packs from a few places, I just pulled 2 sheets out of a large multi coloured pack, they are about the same size (area) as a normal sheet of writing paper, the ones you want are about 1mm thick. Just have a close look at the pictures of what you're buying as some of the stuff is thin (as in you can see through it, it's still technically 1mm thick) you don't want this stuff. If this costs more than £1 / £1.50 you're paying too much.

The rest of what you need I'll assume you have but I'll list it so you can get it ready;

PVA Glue

An old, fairly large brush (for applying PVA)

X-Acto Knife or generic Craft Knife

Fabric Scissors

Coarse Sand Paper

I used 2000 grit as it was right next to me in my supplies box as I was doing this, but you ideally want something more coarse, like 80.

Model Clamps (optional)

Super cool option, get some Felt Transfer Paper and make a cool design you can Iron on to your felt practise this first as the colours may clash or the felt show through when you transfer it. Luckily felt is vey cheap.

Step 1

So, I guess this step is simply to lay out all your parts and clear your work area

Step 2

Open the Photo Frame, take out the backing board (Also take out the Glass, paper and picture Mount/Surround, and bin them, you don't need them) and make sure your felt is big enough, mine was about he size of an A4 sheet of paper and was just big enough, it stretches anyway and the frame will cover a couple of mm on each edge, so if it's just slightly too small, don't worry Note, you could use the glass as a palette, but it's quite thin and has sharp edges, it would probably break and/or cut you at some point. FYI, the GW pot is glue, I just put it in a spare pot after Decanting all my GW paints to Dropper Bottles

Step 3

Cover the whole backing board in PVA Glue, do it quick so it doesn't start to dry, I also had about a 70%-30% mix of PVA Glue to Water to make sure the PVA was smooth. (apply too much or apply it too watery and it will soak through the felt)

Step 4

♬ I have a Backing Board ♬ - ♬ I have some Felt ♬ - ♬ Unghhhh ♬ - ♬ Felted Backing Board ♬ Literally stick the felt to the backing board, I did it he other way up than shown in the image, then flipped it over. by doing it this way I was able to smooth out the felt so that I had no creases. and keep my eye out for any glue coming through. Give it 10 minutes so the glue starts to set, then flip it over. put something flat and heavy on it. I used a dinner matt and a fruit bowl. this is just to hold it in place. leave this a few hours to completely set.

Step 5

The best part of this photo frame is that it is deep and has an inner surround. So, if you want to you can have a photo recessed into the frame so that you have a deep frame. (perfect for decoupage). of you can use this to push the picture and/or mount to the front so that it is directly behind the glass. W're gonna use this inner frame to felt the edges, this is totally optional, but the finished product looks cooler. (you could also use a different colour felt here to contrast the colour of your base)

Step 6

Sanding - As mentioned above, I used 2000 grit sandpaper because I didn't realised I'd need it before I started, the 200 grit was inside in my modelling supplies and my coarse sandpaper was outside in the garage and it was cold, it was Boxing Day and i was in my Pyjamas at 2 in the afternoon. You basically want to take the smooth surface off the inner frame, so essentially key it and give the PVA Glue something to bind to. If you are really desperate you could just cut into it loads with a knife I guess. unless you start carving chunks out, it's still gonna be smooth when you put the felt on. Whatever you do, be gentle as the frame is rather weak.

Step 7

Measure up the felt for the edges, put the frame on tits side over the felt, make sure you have enough to cover the side and come up the edges, I was close in this first pic to not having enough, but, most of this is covered and the Felt stretches.

Step 8

Glue and hold, you see the pegs? don't use these! Put some PVA along the inner side, just as you did with the backing board, don't put it along the edges just yet. Put the felt down, smooth it across the surface of the inner side and find something to hold it in the edges. you want something flat across the whole surface. the gets were too much and left dents in the felt. This mostly brushed out but in some cases it let the PVA Glue soak through and now there's a hard patch. you cant tell in the final pics and anyone who sees this in person probably wont know, but I know and it pisses me off! If you had something flat to sit over the felt and spread the surface area pressure, you could peg or clamp that in place and jump onto the next step, otherwise, wit for this to dry. Your only putting glue on one edge, you may have some overlapping felt going up the other side, you can trim this later.

Step 9

Do the opposite side, if you aren't pegging (oh the lolz), you may want to wait for first side to almost fully dry before you do this step

Step 10

Make sure its dry and trim the excess going up the edges, one side should be one solid piece of felt, we are having all the joins in the corners. Use an X-Acto Knife or Craft Knife to trim right into the corners

Step 11

Glue the third edge, trim this as you apply it now, use your X-Acto Knife or Craft Knife. you can now push this into the corners as the felt has a little stretch to it, make it neat in the corners get it nice and smooth then clamp it in place until it dries

Step 12

We've done the same thing now for three steps, I'm going to leave the instructions for this step open to your own interpretation, but basically get the felt on the final edge.

Once this is dry, trim all the edges so that you have enough felt for the overlapping sides but not much more or it wont fit back in the outer frame.

Step 13

Trim the backing board, if you left all the inner frame edges to dry, the backing board is definitely dry by now. trim this as close to the edge of the actual board as you can with no overlap.

Step 14

Put some glue on the edges of the inner frame (on the side that will be closest to front of the the outer frame) and fold over the remaining felt, you can clamp it here if you want but the pressure of closing the frame up will be enough to hold it in place as it dries. As you push the inner frame into the outer frame, use something like a ruler to push the felt into the crease so that it is neat. Also, confusingly, I have put the felted Backing Board beneath the frame here, it looks like i've put it in the frame, I haven't, I just sat the frame on it as I took the photo.

Step 15

Apply glue to the inner edge of the inner frame (the edge facing the rear) and fold over the felt, Put the backing board back in and again use something flat like a ruler to tuck the felt into the edge as you press down. Use the frames clips to hold the backing board in place and wait for it to dry, but you can now pretty much use it as it is drying.

Now, Roll some dice! any guesses from anyone what set these dice are from?

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