#asfjgjg this got longer than i meant it to oops

[airplanecrushed-a]

@mcsvperhero​​ // xxx “  it’s---  ”   eyes fixated downward as lexie hesitated.   it was nothing,   she was fine.   it shouldn’t be anything,   s h e  s h o u l d  b e  f i n e.   it was part of the job,   telling their patients’ loved ones that there was nothing more they could do.   that sometimes even simple surgeries could go wrong,   that even if they went off with of a hitch that sometimes patients didn’t  w a k e  u p.   it wasn’t that it was  n e v e r  e a s y to tell the families that someone they loved  had died,   that they weren’t going to wake up,   to talk to them about their options,   to follow the steps of an advanced directive,  because  i t   w a s n ’ t.   it was never easy but it came with the job,   it was something as surgeons they were  t r a i n e d   t o  h a n d l e,   that they were trained to help people through.   

and grief showed itself in different ways,   lexie knew that.   the  a n g e r,   the p a i n  in the way her patient’s husband spoke to lexie,   the way he yelled,   insisted she was wrong,   that if she followed the advanced directive of his wife that lexie would be  k i l l i n g   h e r,   because his was going to wake up,   she was going to  b e  f i n e,    it was all sickeningly familiar.   feelings lexie never dealt with,   feelings she refused to talk about,  were dragged up.   “   it’s nothing- ”    i t   s h o u l d  b e   n o t h i n g.   after everything that had happened,   the years that had passed,   it shouldn’t affect her like this,   should it?   “  i---   i’ll be fine,   just---  ”   it wasn’t the same situation.   this wasn’t gary clark.   gary clark was  d e a d  and yet the fear,   the panic,   the  g u i l t,   they were all there and she couldn’t just push them away like she had in the past.   “   i can’t be out there----  ”  on the surgical floor,   being a doctor,   expected to be level headed.    “  i just---   i needed a  m i n u t e.  ”