I have been crying on and off about that Tommy MCD fic idea since you posted about it. The way you write emotional devastation is soooo good. It always punches me in the gut.
Thank you thank you here’s some more of it… using this as my fuck it Friday post, thanks for the tag @eddiebabygirldiaz, tagging @colonoscopys @homerforsure @chronicowboy @shitouttabuck @bigfootsmom @daffi-990 @butchdiaz @ anyone else who has stuff they want to share!
Going to put a lot of this under a cut because one its long two it’s a major character death au and there’s a bit about past contemplation of suicide. But it’s kind of happy generally I swear! This is Buck and Eddie getting together sort of!
For more of this au I’ve been tagging it ‘the seconds ticking killed us all a million years before the fall’ (lyrics from standing outside a broken phone booth with money in my hand)
I’ve hated and thought this scene was pretty good in turns over the last few hours so whatever here you go!
Eddie thinks the creaking on the front porch might be a raccoon, at first. It’s light, comes and goes for several minutes. He should probably go shoo it away, but it’s two am and he’s sore all over and can’t be damned. He’s settling further into the couch and his various ice packs when the raccoon knocks. Hesitant, hesitant, loud, loud, louder. Eddie stands up with only a slight groan, ice packs flopping all over the place, and goes to the door.
Buck stands on the other side of it.
If Eddie hadn’t been so exhausted yet in too much pain to fall asleep, he thinks he might have expected this. If he was a little more exhausted, a little more hurt, he might have admitted to hoping for it. As it is, all he can do for a moment is blink at the apparition before him. Buck is pale, wild eyed, looking somehow thinner than when they’d last seen each other not that many hours ago. His hands come up to hover near Eddie’s shoulders as Eddie is also reaching out, so he ends up with his fingers colliding into an awkward fist against Buck’s elbow.
“Eddie.” He sounds wrecked. “I’m- I’m sorry, I-”
“It’s alright,” Eddie says, soft, shaking his head. “I’m okay, Buck. I’m still okay. Like I promised.”
Buck makes a terrible little noise and steps backward, and again, off the porch. Eddie follows, hands out, trying to make sure he won’t trip. “Eddie,” he says again, “Eddie.”
“It’s okay,” Eddie says, keeping his voice low, calming, less likely to wake any neighbors. “Buck, it’s okay. Do you want to come inside?”
Buck looks up behind Eddie, where the door is wide open. Light spills through, shining in his eyes, in the unshed tears there. “I don’t want to… waste… any time I have.”
“What-”
Buck kisses him. The sound Eddie makes is more frightened than anything, even as his arms come up around Buck, to hold him close, to hold him up. It’s not- it’s wet, and Buck’s fingers almost hurt where they’re dug into the sides of Eddie’s head. Their faces are pressed too hard together, noses crushed into cheeks. Their lips are barely even aligned. Buck gasps a hitching breath into his mouth and Eddie pulls back. Not away, just enough to speak.
“Come inside,” he pleads. “Buck, come inside, just- please, come inside.”
Buck doesn’t let go of him, doesn’t give him an inch, but lets Eddie pull him into the house. Eddie’s not sure how he manages not to trip going blind and backwards, but they make it through the door, down the hall, to the living room. Eddie’s not even sure if he’d count what’s happening as kissing, but Buck’s mouth presses into his over and over as they go.
“It’s okay,” Eddie says, between the moments of contact. “It’s okay,” he says as he kicks a shoe or something out of their path, “It’s okay,” as sits back down on the couch. Buck climbs on top of him immediately, and Eddie hopes the combined weight of them doesn’t pop the ice pack that ended up crushed under his thigh. It is kissing, now, the desperate kind of making out Eddie remembers with Shannon in the day or two on either side of his deployments. Eddie slides his hands to rest firm against Buck’s lower back to anchor him — or maybe both of them — and follows Buck’s lead as their lips slide together, as Buck gets his mouth open and chases his tongue, as they gasp raggedly for air without ever breaking apart. He’s not sure, but he thinks Buck is crying. Eddie isn’t, barely. Buck needs someone solid right now, someone who will let him take what he needs and be okay if this is it, if this is the only time they have this. Because Eddie’s not fooling himself. He laid there at the bottom of that pit under all that rubble and heard Buck’s scream, first wordless, and then Tommy, and then Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. He knows that this might all be too much, too soon, too mixed up, and if Buck pulls away from this kiss and never comes in for another one that’s okay. He wishes, maybe, that it could have happened different. He wishes Buck had been smiling, and it had been gentler, on a bright afternoon, on a good day. But it’s okay.
It goes until Buck’s elbow catches a bruise and Eddie can’t stop a small, pained sound from getting out. Buck jerks back like he touched a hot stove, eyes open to near circles as he looks Eddie all over. Eddie knows it's sort of a rough picture, all purple and blue and a fresh line of stitches cutting a half moon around his temple from forehead to just under his mole. Buck’s fingers come up to trace it, not quite touching the skin. Just the shape, in the air.
“S-sorry,” he whispers. “I’m so- I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay,” Eddie says again. He wipes a thumb under Buck’s eye, though it doesn’t do much to clear away the still falling tears. Buck leans into the touch, though, and then in further, head cradling against Eddie’s shoulder as he slides half off him onto the couch. Eddie slides his fingers into Buck’s hair, wraps his other arm around him as Buck coughs muffled little sobs into his t-shirt.
“S-sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize, Buck.” His hair feels a little limp, greasy. Eddie wonders if he went home at all, took a shower, ate. His own fridge is kind of dire — he was planning on going to the grocery store after work until a building collapsed on him — but he could probably scrounge up something. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I scared you.”
Buck scoffs a single, wet laugh. “No,” he says, voice thin, scrubbing at his face as he sits more upright. “It’s not- you didn’t do it on purpose. That’s the job, right?”
The job that killed your husband. Why would you want to do this a second time? I care for you so much and I’m so sorry you reciprocate. “Yeah. Still.”
Buck inhales and exhales, shaky, and nods in thanks. He makes a face and pulls another ice pack out from under him. It’s all floppy now, probably too warm to be effective. “God. Let me…” He stands, gathering up all the ice packs he can see and heading towards the kitchen.
“You don’t have to-”
“I’ll be just a minute.”
Eddie sighs, leaning back into the couch and listening to the freezer door open and its contents get shuffled around. The soft hiss of it shutting, Buck’s footsteps, Buck in the doorway sheepishly holding an armful of frozen vegetables. Eddie arranges peas and carrots over the worst sore spots as Buck sits back down beside him.
“Did you take anything?”
“Yeah, just before you got here.” Extra strength ibuprofen, so he won’t be good to take anything else until morning. Wasn’t going to be a problem when he thought he was just going to sleep, though he wishes he’d taken a smaller dose now so he could spread them out, time it better to however long they’ll be talking here.
“Good.” Buck sighs, looking at him with furrowed brows. “Sorry I… I didn’t mean to be so dramatic, coming here.”
Eddie laughs, startled and genuine. “It’s, uh, been a dramatic day.”
Buck hums agreement, a tired and beautiful smile pulling at his lips. He flops his head sideways onto the couch. “I kind of had a… an idea.”
“Yeah?”
“Mhmm. Of what I was going to say. Because…” he searches Eddie's face. “I'm not- I'm not making it up, right? There's something here? You feel it too?”
Eddie can barely breathe. “Yeah, I- it's not just you. But- Buck, I understand why you wouldn't want to do this, why you wouldn't want to take the risk. I- I have feelings for you,” it feels like a childish way to say it even as the words leave his mouth, “But I… you're my friend. I think you're my best friend. And I am truly fine with that. You don’t have to… it’s okay.”
That smile. “That’s the thing. That’s what I’ve been thinking about. N-not just today. Though, I guess- you scaring the shit out of me made it more- more real.” He chews at his lip for a moment. “I… spend a lot of time wishing… that I had more of it, with Tommy. That we had longer together. Or at least that I- that I’d made sure every minute counted, you know? B-but I think maybe I did? I loved him so much and we- it was good, what we had. Just because it ended, that doesn’t mean the rest wasn’t worth it. I’d love him again, knowing what was coming. And, so…” he takes a deep breath. “So I’ve been thinking that… even if I… even if something bad could happen- I don’t want that to stop me from having something good, now.”
“Buck-”
“Hold on,” Buck says, a hand up, a wry smile. “I have a part two.”
“Okay.” Eddie’s turned towards him without really noticing, both of them sitting one leg folded up on the couch so their knees touch.
“I’m not… going to stop loving Tommy. And I’m, uh- kind of a fucking mess, as I just demonstrated. I don’t- know that I’m- going to be any less messy any time soon.” There’s a furrow in his brows that Eddie wants to smooth out. “I don’t know that starting something would be fair to you.”
“I-”
“You’re a very kind man, Eddie.” Buck says it very softly, and one of his hands comes to rest so gently on Eddie’s leg. “I think you’d let me fall apart here forever, but I want- I want you to really think if it’s worth it-”
“Buck.” Eddie’s voice is sharp enough that Buck blinks several times, quick. “Don’t- you’re worth it. Your pain isn’t- it’s not some kind of chore to me. I haven’t been just- hanging around, waiting until you’re a fun guy. I like you, Buck, right now, not- not some other perfectly okay version of you.”
Buck’s fingers twitch against Eddie’s thigh. “You’re a very kind man,” he repeats.
“I don’t even know if that’s true,” Eddie sighs, the material of the couch soft where he rests his cheek against it. “I just…” He thinks back to that first day Buck showed up at the station, and then to every day after that. “I think I always just wanted… to make your life easier.”
“Oh.” Buck shuts his eyes, whistles a breath through his nose. “You- you do. You do, Eddie.”
They’re quiet, at an impasse. The whole world is quiet, here at nearing 3 am with all the colors purple dark outside of this lamp lit room. Eddie can hear crickets and frogs if he listens hard enough. “Tommy was my friend. I’ve felt… guilty.”
Buck opens his eyes again. “For liking me?”
Eddie smiles a little at the phrasing — Sophia’s 8th grade voice saying like-like in his head — and nods. “It feels… disrespectful. He loved you so much, I don’t- I don’t know how he’d feel about it.”
Buck scratches a nail absently against the fabric of Eddie’s sweatpants. “We talked about it, a little.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. The jobs we have, you know? It’s not like- it’s not like we never got hurt, never thought about what would happen if one of us…” Buck shrugs, and his smile aches this time. “I told him if I died he had to be sad forever, only love me the rest of his life.”
Eddie laughs. “Mm. Reasonable ask.”
Buck nods, smile getting bigger, almost a grin. “I didn’t mean it, but… You know, I think he would have. He was teasing when he promised, but… he was serious, too, I think.” He sighs. “He told me he was scared I wouldn’t let anyone love me. He said I-” Buck’s voice cracks badly enough he has to wait a few moments to continue. “I’m too easy to love. I shouldn’t- I shouldn’t go without it.”
Eddie feels a little wide eyed. “That’s…”
“Isn’t that just annoyingly romantic?” Buck laughs, wiping his eyes. “Reasonable ask. Jesus.” He scrubs harder. “I think he… he wanted to make my life easier, too. You’re… you’re so alike, sometimes.” He winces. “No, that’s- I don’t mean- that’s not why I-”
“No, it’s… I know you’re not trying to replace him.” It’s not like he hasn’t had the thought, himself. He and Tommy got on so well in part because they were alike. Shared hobbies, both army, both carrying around a complicated relationship with their families and their sexuality. But they’re their own people. And- “I wouldn’t want to… try to be that, for you.”
“I wouldn’t ask you to.”
There’s another quiet minute. Hesitantly, Eddie rests his hand palm up next to Buck’s. Buck slides their fingers together, and they fit as well as any hands do. “So… what do you want to do? What do you want to happen?”
Buck squeezes. “I… I’m not sure.”
Eddie nods. “Has there… am I the first person? After?”
Buck’s eyes get a little calculating, like he’s not sure he should say whatever comes next. “I hooked up with a girl, a few months in, uh, a little before I came to the 118. In a bar somewhere, I don’t even remember… And then I went home and, uh-” he winces, glances to the side. “I almost killed myself.”
“Buck-” Jesus, jesus-
“No, no-” Buck squeezes tighter, sits up a little straighter. “I didn’t. I didn’t and I wouldn’t. I- I’m safe, I promise, Eddie. It wasn’t- it wasn’t even actually an attempt, I just… thought about it.” He swallows. “It was close, I guess.”
Eddie’s clinging more than holding his hand. “Buck- if- I don’t want to-”
“No,” Buck shakes his head, firm. “I didn’t tell you because I- I thought if we-” his other hand wraps around the two of theirs. “I don’t want you to think if we move forward you’re putting me in danger. You’re not. I- I wasn’t doing well back then, it was hardly even about- it was a lot of things. I’m going to be okay, I swear.”
“If- If you’re ever not-” words feel like physical objects in Eddie’s throat, choking and uncomfortable. “Promise me you’ll tell someone, Buck. It- it doesn’t have to be me, just- promise me.”
“I promise,” Buck says, solemn, serious. His thumb rubs gently at the back of Eddie’s hand. “I’m sorry, I- I shouldn’t have told you that.”
“No,” Eddie disagrees immediately. “It’s… I asked. I want to know. I-” they complete another loop on this circle of a conversation. “I told you, your pain isn’t a chore. You don’t need to hide anything from me.”
“Right,” Buck sighs.
“Buck.”
“No, I-” Buck laughs a little at Eddie’s admonishing tone. “That was a right, I understand, not a yeah, right. I just-” he takes a hand away from the tangle they’ve got going and runs it through his hair. “God, I’m tired.”
Eddie nods. He’s exhausted, down in his bones. “Okay. I’ve got two things to say that don’t really go together, this time.”
“Okay,” Buck smiles at him, eyes crunched up and fond. “Hit me.”
“First, I think…” Eddie sits up straighter, too, takes a deep breath. “I like you, Buck. I- care for you. I- I-” Truth has to go both ways. Fuck it. “I’m in love with you. You should probably know that.”
Buck nods, eyes wet again. “Okay.”
“But I think if we… If you want to try being together, we should take it slow, and if you need to back out, that's okay. You’re my friend, and I swear to you that’s more important to me than anything else. So… So we have to just keep being honest with each other, even if it might hurt.”
“Alright,” Buck nods again, wiping his eyes. He manages a smile. “Was that the second thing, or…”
Eddie shakes his head, lips quirking up. “No. The second thing is, you wanna come sleep with me?”
Buck throws his head back laughing, almost losing balance where he sits. Eddie grabs his elbow to make sure he won’t fall over. “Eddie-”
“It’s late,” Eddie explains, not bothering to keep the adoration out of his voice now that he doesn’t really have to. “You shouldn’t drive home, my bed’s more comfortable than the couch.”
Buck laughs again, resting his elbow on the couch and his chin on his hand. He looks at Eddie, and Eddie thinks there’s plenty of adoration in that gaze, too. He shakes his head, though. “I think I’ll still take the couch tonight, if that’s okay.”
“Of course it is.”
Buck raises their still clasped hands and kisses Eddie’s knuckles, holding his smile pressed into the skin there for a few moments. “And in the morning we can start to… figure out the rest of it?”
“Yeah,” Eddie whispers. Smiles once, twice. “See you then. Looking forward to it.”
Buck ducks his head, though his smile is still visible. “Yeah. Me too. Go- get some sleep, Eddie. I’ll-” he laughs, looking around them. “I’ll put away your peas.”
“Oh,” Eddie lifts up a bag of mushy vegetables. “No, I can do it, don’t worry about it.”
“Eddie.” Buck stands, gently taking the bag, and hesitating only a moment before he bends down and carefully kisses his cheek. From only a few inches away, eyes soft and close and blue, he says “I want to make your life easier, too.”
Eddie swallows hard, rests his hand against Buck’s cheek for just a second, and nods, momentarily incapable of words. Buck is halfway to the kitchen when he manages to say “Goodnight, Buck.”
Buck turns in the doorway. Smiles. “Goodnight, Eddie. See you in the morning.”
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Buckxtommy? Eww 🤢🤢 tommy is racist
I wasn't going to answer this because you're clearly a child without the ability to understand that characters, like real people, can grow, but actually I'm going to answer it and it's going to be LONG.
This got really long so I'm putting it under the cut but if you don't want to read it there's the TLDR:
Tommy was, at best, a passive member of the boys club at the 118 when we first meet him and at worst an active member who made Chim and Hen's lives harder when they first joined, but as the shitty people left the 118 and were replaced with less shitty people, Tommy starts to become kinder and more accepting and less of a toxic macho man.
He's friends with Chim and Hen when he leaves the 118. He's been away from the 118 for probably 7-8 years at this point and in that time he has clearly continued to grow.
People can change. People do change. Sometimes it takes meeting new people to spur that change and sometimes it takes a change in scenery. For Tommy it seems to have taken a mix of both to get him to where he is today - a funny, sweet, kind, queer man who is willing to STEAL A HELICOPTER and FLY INTO A FUCKING HURRICANE because someone he worked with for a few years almost a decade ago had a hunch. He believed Hen and Chim. He trusts them and they trust him.
So here's my question anon? Why don't you?
And now for the very long part under the cut...
When we first meet Tommy Kinard in Chimney Begins he is a part of the old boys club that is the LAFD and the 118. He's a person surrounded by shitty people and he adapts and behaves like them.
We don't know much about Tommy, but by the end of the episode he accepts Chim as a teammate and friend because Chim proves himself to Tommy. Do I think you should have to prove yourself to be accepted? No. But i understand the thought process because you're relying on people to have your back and save your life. We also find out Tommy's favorite movie is a romcom - not your typical toxicly masculine answer.
He shows growth in Chimney Begins and I cannot stress this enough, at the end of that episode Chim and Tommy are friends. We don't have an exact date at the end of Chimney Begins, but we can assume based on when Bobby joins and when Hen joins that it was at least a decade prior, if not more to where we are currently in canon.
In Hen Begins Tommy is still a part of the boys club at the 118, but you can see that he (and a lot of the team) don't actually agree with Captain Gerard, but he's their boss. They can't exactly call him out because that puts their own job on the line. You can see Tommy look at Gerard like 'what the fuck' when he calls Hen a "diversity hire" but he doesn't say anything in that moment - Chim does and Gerard brushes him off.
Sal makes a gay joke about Tommy in this episode and Tommy plays it off as a joke because what else is he suppose to do? Tommy looks uncomfortable when Gerard starts going on about female recruitment in the LAFD and him saying/implying that female firefighters aren't as strong, etc. He doesn't say anything, but I ask? Would you be brave enough to risk your job for someone you just met a few months ago?
When Hen gives her big speech Tommy looks back at Chim and sees him nodding. He looks at Chim because (I think) he's reminded of how they treated Chim when he first started. It's Tommy that says Hen's instincts are good after she disobeys orders and goes looking for another victim (who would have died if she hadn't). Tommy and Sal shake her hand and then Tommy pats her on the shoulder and says 'you're good'.
This interaction is both similar to and different from Tommy's 'moment' with Chim. Similar because it seems like Tommy needs new firefighters to prove they can be there before he trusts them and different because the Chim and Tommy moment is framed as the start of a friendship and that moment with Hen and Tommy is framed as the start of a good working relationships.
The next scene is Hen talking to their new interim captain about how her colleagues are impressed with her and how they've filed complaints against Captain Gerard. We can assume that Tommy was one of those colleagues.
Then we get Bobby Begins Again - Tommy is laughing and joking with Hen about how long the new captain will last. Tommy even asks to place a bet on credit and Hen jokingly says he better pay because she knows the bookie.
Tommy is shown to be a part of the team - the Hen and Chim team - on calls. Yes, he's still friends with Sal but he's much less likely to be at Sal's side when Sal makes shitty comments. Tommy even tells Sal to stop when Sal starts going off on Bobby.
The next scene we see Tommy in is him hanging out with Hen and Chim at a bar - when Hen tells them that Bobby didn't fire Sal, he suspended him and found him a new spot, Tommy takes that information and accepts Bobby because he finds out he's a good man and a good captain.
Then we see Tommy, Chim, Hen, and Bobby hanging out, sharing war stories. We even hear Tommy talk about 'scars helping him get women' because he's still not out with the team yet - he's still hiding that part of himself because he isn't ready yet (and because that wasn't a part of the storyline for Tommy at the time).
The rest Tommy's part in Bobby Begins Again is just showing how the 118 is becoming more than just a team - family dinner for example. Tommy smiles and is excited at the idea of 'family dinner'.
When he leaves the 118 Hen and Chim are happy for him and celebrate the move because it's a good career move for him. They even smash his face into the cake!!!
AND THEN in Broken Chim calls Tommy to ask him for a favour. A favour that saves the 118s asses.
That doesn't even touch on the Tommy of today - the Tommy who is brave and kind and trusting and funny. The Tommy that Chim is friends with, that Eddie is now friends with, that Buck has a HUGE crush on.
If you like the Firefam (which I'm hoping you do since they're the main cast of the show) I would hope you also trust their judgement. If they like a character who wasn't great in the past but has grown, we should see that growth and hopefully like them too.
You can dislike Tommy all you want, but don't try to tell me it's because 'he's racist' because that isn't true. He's evolved like people do. We should want more characters like Tommy because they remind us that just because we've done something shitty in the past it doesn't mean we can't grow too.
Anyone who says OOH TOMMY IS A RACIST HOW CAN YOU LIKE HIM clearly doesn't watch the show. Just because his development happened off screen doesn't mean it didn't happen.
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