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chaosandwolves · 15 days

Text

Hold on

Eddie's control over his emotions had been integral to his survival in the past. But the second Eddie's eyes fall on Buck's limp body suspended mid air, the second his brain has caught on to what this means, to what this could mean, all the control in him evaporates. Buck's name tears from his throat without his doing.

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3,2k words, 6x10 and 6x11 coda

They know. They all know the second Buck's limp body comes into their view.

Eddie knows, too. And Eddie knows that Hen, Chim and Bobby know what this sight means just as much as Eddie does.

But Eddie refuses to accept it. He lets the reality ricochet off himself and throws it back at the universe.

No. This is not acceptable.

He doesn't accept the harsh statistics cause this is Buck and Buck always comes out ok at the end.

It doesn't HAVE to mean that… Buck's heart is strong, stronger than most. The lightning must've simply knocked him out. Just for a moment.

The thing is that ever since that day where he had found out about Mills, ever since everything crumbled in him, ever since all that control he so desperately had hung on to exploded into blind rage and despair and fell apart and landed onto nothing but fear; ever since then something in Eddie has been cracked open. Just like Frank had said. The box he'd built around all the pain had exploded.

He knows what it is. He's talked around it in therapy and when Frank asked him, "What did this control serve? Why did you feel the need to hide behind it?" he finally understood.

Growing up, it was always expected of him. To be the strong one, the one to keep his cool and to fill in the role of his father when he wasn't around, or even when he was.

Thinking about this, it might've already moulded him for the army: Bite down, swallow the emotions, carry on.

It's what he needed to survive.

To survive the news that Shannon was pregnant which meant that he had to let go of the hopes and dreams he'd stored away somewhere in the back of his heart, to make room for Shannon and a kid and do what was expected of him.

To survive the news that their son, the only person he allowed himself to fully open his heart to, has CP.

To survive the tours.

He needed the control in order to make the decision to move to LA so he could give Christopher a better life.

Chris was all that mattered.

And then came Buck.

Buck who, after a short-lived misplaced hostility started to have Eddie's back like no one else before.

Buck who saw his son and directly made room for him in his big heart.

Buck who learned about his struggle and introduced him to Carla.

Buck who had saved his son.

Buck who goes to the zoo with Chris and makes homework with him and has running jokes with him which Eddie doesn't understand.

But even with Buck there, Eddie still had to hang on to that control.

He couldn't afford to pause and think about things.

He couldn't allow himself to break into the bad things of the past when the present demanded all of his attention; when his son and team needed him to function.

But somewhere in a hidden corner inside him, he knew he had it coming.

Maybe that's why he listened to others and asked Ana out.

It's easier to just do what's expected of you or even what people expect will be good for you rather than following your own heart.

Especially if it leads you to a place or a person that deserves the full you and not the you that's so desperately grasping the last bits of control to their chest.

He had known that the shield he had built around him had become thin and fragile with time.

Being shot gave it a crack he wasn't able to mend anymore. Then the panic attacks and Chris' worry rattled it so violently that he could feel the control slipping and slipping.

But control is what had allowed him to survive.

Until it all imploded and he found himself crying on his bedroom floor with a bat in his bloody hands.

And then Buck was there, willing to pick up the pieces and ready to give him reasons to replace the surviving with living.

That's how Eddie slowly found the courage to loosen the desperate grip he had on his control.

Eddie didn't lie when he told his father that he wants to become better for himself.

His life has been exhausting. Always keeping up the facade, always the strong one, no weakness allowed; not in front of anyone else anyway.

But then he watches Buck, how he loves and feels so freely and so much.

He witnesses Booby taking care of his kids and his team in every way possible.

Feels the enormous strength and compassion Hen holds for every patient and every person in her life.

He laughs at Chim's remarks and silly jokes and his heart warms when he sees the unconditional love he has for his daughter and partner and family.

And Eddie wants this for himself. He wants to feel free and not anchored to the ground by his self made chains.

He wants to be open, wants to share and wants to let in.

And it's Buck who's made this possible. And it's Buck who he's let in first.

Eddie knows he won't ever be able to wear his heart on his sleeve like Buck does and that's ok. But he wants to fill that hole inside him that the ever present control had ripped open and left him with. He wants to heal.

It's not that the habit of controlling his own emotions just vanished. But overall it somewhat softened.

His survival doesn't depend on it anymore.

He's still able to keep it together though, in order to do his job. He'd be a bad firefighter and paramedic if he wasn't able to keep a basic level of control.

But the second Eddie's eyes fall on Buck's limp body suspended mid air, the second his brain has caught on to what this means, to what this could mean, all the control in him evaporates.

Buck's name tears from his throat without his doing.

His body is almost too slow to follow his frantic brain as he scrambles to get up the ladder.

A bitter rational voice in him tells him that he should prepare himself in case he's too late, that he can't save him, that the lightning took Buck from him.

But Eddie doesn't care. He shuts that god awful voice up and counters it by shouting for Buck as loud as he can.

His only focus is to get to Buck and his name leaves Eddie's lips in a desperate mantra.

When he's finally at the top of the ladder the frantic thoughts in his brain tumble over themselves. His first instinct is to bring Buck closer to him, so he tries to pull him up but the rain makes everything slippery and he doesn't have enough leverage from this angel to pull Buck's dead weight up to him.

And Buck doesn't move, doesn’t respond to his frenzied shouts.

He needs him to move, to do something.

Eddie knows he won't respond. But he has to try, has to reach him somehow, has to remind Buck to fight.

"Can you hear me?" He feels like his brain is falling apart trying to understand what he sees and doesn't see in front of him. It's like his mind is melting when he tries to force Buck to answer through the sheer power of his will. Come on, talk to me, talk to me. Please.

But he's not moving. He's not moving.

"Buuuuck!!!" His name rips from Eddie's throat again. He puts his all into it. Desperate to reach Buck, to wake him up.

He knows he has to lower him to the ground. Everything in him recoils at the thought of letting Buck out of his proximity but he's not answering and as frantic and free falling as he feels, Eddie knows what he has to do to give Buck a chance. So he shouts for more slack and does his best to lower Buck down at a steady yet fast pace.

All the while he's trying to persuade Buck in his mind to 'Hang on, hang on, please hold on.'

As soon as Buck is transferred to the gurney, Eddie hurries to make his way down to him.

Telling himself that Buck is ok, that he'll be fine.

When he finally makes it to the ground, he's even more frantic. Before he has properly reached them, he yells at Bobby, Hen and Chim, begs them to give him Buck's status, "Talk to me, talk to me!"

But as soon as he's at Buck's side, Bobby pulls him away.

But it's too late. Eddie's seen him.

Eddie's seen his too still face, no bright eyes glinting at him, no crooked mischievous grin on full lips, no familiar voice reciting to him all the facts there are to know about storms and lightning like it had done the rest of the day.

It's not right. This is not right.

It's all so wrong.

The silence on Buck's lips is breaking him as Buck's name falls from his own.

But Bobby pushes him away, pulls him along and tells Eddie to drive and forces him to move.

Eddie feels wild as they're walking back to the front of the ambulance.

He'd never fight Bobby, doesn't question his commands but oh how he wants to right now.

He knows that Hen and Chim will do everything they can, that they won't give up, that they're good at what they're doing. Yet, all he wants to do is push Bobby away and get in the back of the ambulance to do something.

He should be with Buck. He owes it to Buck to save his life and he just can't bear the thought of Buck being alone right now.

Eddie knows he's not being reasonable. Buck isn't alone; people who love him are taking good care of him at this very moment.

But they're not Eddie. It's his place, his responsibility to be at Buck's side.

He promised Buck. Buck is his partner; they are supposed to have each other's back.

And he once promised Chris, too; to always look after Buck.

And he's failed. Eddie has failed his son, has failed Buck. He didn't see it coming, couldn't even pull Buck up to him.

Eddie knows that Bobby was right to push him back and make him be the one to drive. He's at least doing something that way while Chim and Hen are working on Buck.

And Eddie can feel it; feel it all crumbling around him at the edges and he's sure Bobby can see him falling apart.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Eddie knows that Bobby is suffering, too. Buck is like a son to him.

Eddie has to control himself enough to get to the hospital as fast as he can; for Bobby, for Buck.

So he wipes his mouth which feels like it's foaming and pulls himself together enough to be able to climb into the driver's seat.

It's really funny how life plays out, isn't it? A lightning strike was the reason why he was buried alive; the reason he made Buck Christopher's legal guardian in case something happened to him.

Because Buck loves Chris like he's his own.

And now Buck is about to have an actual biological child which really will be less his than Christopher is and the lightning hits again;

possibly taking Buck from them, robbing Buck of the chance of being a father.

Somewhere out there someone probably would call this all poetic and theorize about the universe and destiny.

Eddie, however, is angry.

He's angry at the universe, angry at the storm, angry at himself.

Cause he didn't plan for this. It's never been a question to him if Buck would still be there in case something happens to Eddie himself. It was always a given.

After all, it's been Eddie who's had multiple brushes with death. Buck was always supposed to live, to survive.

Eddie, though…. If he's honest with himself he's been anticipating death's cold claws closing around his heart ever since they went down in that chopper.

And he wouldn't care much if it wasn't for Chris.

But when Buck had told him that day, that it would've been better if it had been him who was shot, when he so clearly revealed how little he values his own life, Eddie had to tell him. He had to make sure that Buck would fight, for himself and for his son.

It gave him a certain kind of peace knowing Buck would be there, Buck would survive.

He never planned on the possibility that Buck wouldn't be there.

Buck has been their safety net. He's saved Chris, he's saved Eddie. He's been their friend, confidant, partner.

He's always had their backs. And now, now Eddie had failed to have his.

And that's just not acceptable. It's not what Buck deserves. It's not enough.

Eddie really had thought he loved Shannon and he did and it hurt when she died.

They were friends once and she's Christopher's mother, how can he not love her?

But he understands now that this love wasn't the love he wanted it to be or that he thought it to be.

No. That kind of love is something that has grown over the past few years. He didn't even understand or realize it at first but as he sees Buck's lifeless body on the gurney, he knows. He's known it before somewhere deep down and he's been content with leaving it there. But now it's risen to the surface and he can't push it back, he doesn't want to. Because it belongs to Buck and he's not going to deny him this, he's not going to withhold it from him. Buck deserves this kind of love.

Eddie doesn't care if it's reciprocated. It's his to give and Buck's to receive.

The second he brings the ambulance to a halt, he's out of the door and at its back. As soon as the door is opened and the gurney is being moved out, Eddie's hands are on Buck's chest to keep the compressions going.

When Chim motions to take over again, he doesn't budge.

This is his place. This is where he needs to be right now. It's him who has to pump the life back into Buck's heart.

Opposite him Bobby rattles down the facts of who they're bringing in and what happened before Chim orders to shock Buck. Eddie barely lets go, leaving only the smallest bit of space between him and Buck. He watches Buck's chest being lifted off the gurney by the force of yet another electrical shock coursing through his body. The second Chim needs to press his fingers against Buck's pulse points doesn't seem to pass and Eddie feels like he's sinking into tar like nothingness.

But then Chimney declares, "He's got a pulse!" And Eddie's knees almost buckle.

He doesn't care about the tear falling from his eyelashes.

The doctors and nurses take over and Eddie almost grabs for them, for Buck. He knows though that they are the ones who are more qualified now.

So he lets go and just watches Buck being wheeled into the ER.

Eddie doesn't quite pay attention to what Bobby is telling the nurses beside him but when the doctor says, "We do our best" as they’re disappearing around the corner with Buck he can't help himself.

His anger and own helplessness push the words up his throat before he can think about it, "Do more!"

Because that is what Buck deserves. Best is not enough. Because Buck is always doing more than 'best' and somehow Eddie needs to fix this imbalance right there and then. 'Best' can’t ever be enough. Not for Buck.

Buck deserves the world because he is so integral to Eddie's world and to the lives of the rest of their family that it would all crumble and burn without him in it.

And then Buck vanishes out of his view.

For a moment Eddie can't move, his eyes fixed on the corridor in front of him, his brain not able to process any of it.

But when Bobby moves he forces himself to do the same.

None of them is able to say anything. The shock and horror of what just happened clearly written on all their faces.

Eddie drags himself a few steps back struggling to not completely break right there and then. A few more tears fall from his eyes as he's trying to blink them back while he wraps an arm around Chim who in turn pulls him into his side and Eddie takes a deep breath in to keep himself from falling apart when Bobby places his arm around Eddie's shoulder from the other side.

For a long while they just stand there arm and arm. None of them able and maybe not willing to accept the reality that Buck's life is now in the hands of strangers behind closed doors.

That their Buck is not with them.

That they all just had a lifeless Buck under their hands, his dead body.

The horror of this sudden realization knocks the breath out of Eddie's lungs and his knees buckle.

Bobby and Chim catch him and Hen is in front of him in an instant.

He can't decipher any of their words over the rushing noise in his ears.

His uniform suddenly feels too tight and he tries to pry it off with his hands. The hands that just had to pump blood through Buck's heart cause it wasn't doing that on its own anymore.

Black spots start to dance in his vision. He feels hands on his cheeks and suddenly Hen's face comes into a blurry focus.

Somehow her words make it through to him, maybe it's her tone, so gentle and warm, "Eddie, you're having a panic attack. I need you to breathe with me."

And Eddie?

Eddie laughs. Of course he has one right now. Of course.

They're about to call for someone to bring another gurney but the images of Buck's body unmoving in front of him flash up before his eyes and he croaks out a, "No. No. 's ok."

And for some reason they don't argue with him. Instead, Bobby and Chim guide him sideways, sit down on the ground with him and don't let go while Eddie does his best to follow Hen's instructions and to pull himself back together.

In the back of his mind he thinks of Chris and then a rapid sequence of half formed thoughts rush through his brain and it feels like his heart is shattering.

He feels like a little boy crying for his mother when all he can think is that he just wants to be at Buck's side, wants to hear his laugh, wants to see his smile, wants to watch him and Chris getting excited over one of the animals in the zoo; he wants to hold his hand.

His still uneven breath hitches and it's all he can do to turn into Bobby's chest when he starts crying as Buck's name leaves his throat in a choked whisper for one more time.

#buddie #fanfic #fanfiction #evan buckley #eddie diaz #911 on fox #bobby nash #6x10 coda #6x11 coda #at least I think so #6x10 #i hope this all makes sense #cause I'm so sleep deprived #but I wanted to get it out before 6x11 aires #Chaos writes

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