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hiraeth-witch-11 · 1 year

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Bond To Happen Part 11

Part 11: What if I'm a Mistake?

Warnings: the reader has passive suicidal ideation, lots of big feelings from trauma, mention of SA, canon typical content

Word Count: 3500ish

“You slept in the same bed as Billy Russo and nothing happened?” Karen asks in blatant disbelief, fingers stilling in your hair. You roll your eyes at her from your spot on the couch, head resting in her lap.

“That is what I said, Kare, 3 times now, I think. He’s a good guy, he’s never made me uncomfortable and he respects my boundaries.” Your tone is a little defensive.

“I know, sweetie. Honestly, he’s surprised both me and Frank with how he is around you. I just meant you both obviously have some sort of connection and I thought being that close might be what changes things up a bit.”

You relax at her words. “I was so tired, I passed out pretty quickly. I was just grateful the thunder wasn’t as loud after I fell asleep.”

“And if you both had been more awake?” Her words make you think.

“I don’t know if I’m there yet, Kare,” you say softly. “It’s not like he’s even actually said anything to show he’s interested either. There would have to be so much talking to even start anything romantic or physical and I haven’t told him everything about my magic. It would be too complicated and I don’t even know where I would begin…”

“Do you want me to just listen or do you want my thoughts?”

“Thoughts,” you mumble, focusing on the show the two of you have on in the background.

“I think you’re focusing on the obstacles instead of deciding whether or not you want to try,” Karen says kindly.

“What would I do if I did decide?” You ask earnestly.

“I think you gotta pick first, babe,” she answers with a smile.

“Ughhh, why can’t things just be simple. It would be so much easier if I actually got a real amount of energy from you and the rest of the gang,” you groan.

“Me too, but at least it’s been helping a bit, right?”

You nod, unable to voice the lie. You did feel better around your friends, especially when touching them, but it didn’t last. Even when you had tried opening your connection to their auras and actively feeding from them, the results had been disappointing. The moment they left the room, your fatigue would come crashing back down on you. You still spent as much time with your found family as you could, but it was about as effective as taking ibuprofen for a stab wound. You didn’t want them to worry, though, so you didn’t say anything. You kept yourself from truly putting words to it, but you had pretty much resigned yourself to your eventual death. Anything you tried now felt like it would be useless. A flailing of limbs as you ran out of air. You didn’t want that. You just wanted to be with your friends until you couldn’t anymore.

Billy was a fantasy, a white knight you were starting to daydream about swooping in and fixing all your problems. But you don’t think even he can help you at this stage. You’d probably have to be attached at the hip 24/7 to make a difference in your health. To be honest, you’d lost pieces of your will to live steadily over the last few years. The first when your parents disowned you. Another when a blonde man slipped something into your drink, a choice that led to his death. You think the biggest part of you gave up that night in the rain, surrounded by the bodies of men who saw you as less than an animal.

******

The days following you and Russo’s rainstorm adventure, he made a point to check on you twice daily. Often through a text in the morning and evening, but it quickly evolved into more. Billy stopping by your office to chat or share food became a regular thing. If he came into the office with a coffee, he always had an extra for you. Frank complained about being left out anytime he noticed. Turns out, you were right, Russo had a sweet tooth, so you would frequently find a tart or donut or some obscure miniature dessert on your desk during the week.

Russo asked about your life, your family. A sore topic, it turns out, for both of you.

“They disowned me when I told them about all this,” You say, waving a hand and allowing a bit of your icy blue magic to be visible around the room.

“Shit, I’m sorry,” Russo says earnestly.

“It is what it is. They told me I was as good as dead to them. They weren’t bad parents, though, so it was tough to accept they meant it. Up until they brought out the shotgun to make sure I moved all my shit out of their house. At least they waited until after undergrad to decide they hated ‘my kind’.” You leave out some details. Mainly that they called you a whore because of the details of your magic. At the time you thought you were some sort of succubus related witch. But you’d only ever had sex twice with a friend in college so you don’t think you can really claim either title.

“I grew up in foster care. Frank was the first family I ever had.” Billy admits after a few beats. His aura darkens at the memory, you can tell it’s painful for him, but the change in aura doesn’t feel uncomfortable for you like it should.

“Frank’s good people,” you say finally. “He’s a grumpy bastard, but he’s a real softie on the inside, I think, at least.”

“Don’t let him hear you say that,” Billy laughs. “He’d pout for a week.”

“That is such a strange visual. Frank Castle pouting,” you snort, imagining it. “It’s weird to think that about this time 2 years ago, I didn’t have a single friend in the city and now I’ve got a whole little group. Never had that many people in my life before.”

��Surely you had friends in college?” Billy asks incredulously.

“Never more than two at a time, and most of them didn’t last long.” You shake your head. “It was okay though, I’ve always preferred the quiet.”

“I’m sorry to interrupt it then,” Billy says, jokingly moving to get up.

“No, no. You are a rare exception. Especially as talkative as you are,” you tease.

“Glad to hear you like me, sweetheart,” Billy says, smirking as he settles back into the chair.

“I didn’t say that.” You feel your cheeks warming and rush to turn the subject back to him. “What about you? I bet you had a bunch of friends through school. You seem like a popular guy.”

Russo shakes his head non committedly. “I was just another pretty face in highschool. Same for the Marines, at the beginning at least.”

You can sense a little bitterness around that word. Pretty. He didn’t like it. His whole aura tenses as he says it. It was something you’d suspected before, but his aura had never confirmed your suspicions until now.

“Well, you started your own company from the ground up and you do a lot of good with it. I would say you have progressed past being just a pretty face.”

“Thanks, sweetheart.”

******

“Hey, Blue. Any plans for the weekend?” Billy asks, leaning against your doorframe.

“I was planning to get drinks with Karen tonight, but she has to work late so I’m deciding whether or not I still want to go.” You rest backwards in your chair and interlace your fingers over your abdomen, twiddling your thumbs as you think.

“Alone?” Billy arches an eyebrow.

“Well, yeah. Unless you want to come?”

“I’d love to.” Billy smiles at your offer.

Looking back, you probably should have just gone alone. With Billy next to you, you don’t really want to feed. Or you want to feed from him too much and have decided it wouldn’t be fair to do that to a friend without them knowing about it. Instead of feeding, you enjoy a strawberry daiquiri and tease Billy over his choice in beer.

“I don’t need to try it to know it’s gross, Bill.”

“So you’re judgin’ me without having anythin’ to back yourself up?”

“Objectively, I know my drink tastes better.”

“That’s ‘cause it’s sweet, can you even call it a real drink, sweetheart?”

“It has twice as much alcohol as yours does, and it actually tastes good. I swear you and Frank drink that shit just because you’re ‘too manly’ for anything else.” You use air quotes around the words and take another sip. “Try it and tell me you still think yours is better.” You offer him your drink. He raises an eyebrow and swaps drinks with you.

“Only if you try mine.”

You make a face, “Fine.”

The two of you drink at the same time and you grimace. “Yup, I stand by my statement. All beer is gross.”

“Yours is better,” Billy nods, taking another sip.

“I told you so.”

He hums and goes in for a third sip.

“Hey, get your own,” you say as you swipe your drink back before he can drink anymore.

“Why would I do that when I can just steal yours?” Billy grins.

“Absolutely not, William. I will fight you for it.” You finish your drink and the two of you talk for another few minutes before you are ready to call it a night.

An obnoxiously loud chorus of laughter comes from a group across the room and you wince at the noise.

“If you don’t like crowds so much, why do you go out for drinks instead of stayin’ in?” Billy asks curiously as the two of you get up to walk home.

You shrug, “I can’t become a hermit, Bill.” And you have to at least try to feed sometimes.

“Well I’m happy to come with you anytime you want company.” He eyes the room with disdain. “Or a buffer.”

He holds the door open for you and the cool night air hits you as you laugh in response to his words, “A buffer from what?”

“You haven’t noticed all the guys starin’ at you that whole time?”

“Like in a ‘thinking of harvesting my organs for the black market’ way or a ‘there’s something on my face’ way?”

“In a ‘jealous that you have company already’ way.” Billy moves to the outer side of the sidewalk.

You give Billy an incredulous look of disbelief. “In that case, it was probably meant for you, not me.”

“Most of them aren’t my type, sweetheart.”

“Most of them aren’t my type either.”

“What is your type then?” Billy asks.

You are my type, your mind supplies unhelpfully. “I’m not even sure if I know anymore. Most often, it’s women.”

“‘Women’ is a pretty broad category.” Billy grins.

“There are a lot of gorgeous women in the world and they all look different, I happen to appreciate different types of beauty.”

“I hear that. And when it comes to men?”

“My type gets more specific with men. Not that I’ve even dated one in years.”

“That specific, huh?”

“Yup. They have to respect boundaries for one, which feels damn near impossible to find sometimes. I can’t date anyone who’s sexist or racist or homophobic or threatened by me.They gotta be able to communicate their feelings effectively. They have to understand my whole weirdness with touch. And that’s not even adding in if I find them physically attractive. What about you?”

“I thought my type was anything on two legs,” Billy jokes.

“Come on, it’s not fair if I’m the only one revealing all my secrets.”

“So your type is a secret.”

“It might be.”

“In that case,” Billy chuckles. “I like fiery women- and men occasionally.”

You try not to let your surprise show at the admission. Sure, he had hinted, but he’d never outright said anything.

“If we’re talkin’ more than just a passin’ thing, I guess I gotta lot of the more specific descriptions too. I’ve just never really gotten around to a real relationship and figurin’ all that out. Frank keeps tellin’ me ‘quality over quantity.’”

“If it makes you feel any better, I’ve never had a real relationship either. The closest I got was pseudo-dating someone for a month in college. It ended when I started flinching anytime they touched me. That was when this whole thing really got started,” you explain gesturing to your temple. “It sucked ‘cause I really liked them.”

“I don’t really like touch all that much either,” Billy starts softly. “There was this guy at the group home. I must have been ten, eleven at the time. When a grown man tells you that you're pretty, you know nothing good is coming. Let's just say, I wasn't interested in the kind of games that he had in mind. So I went after him with the stickball bat. Caught him good a couple times, too. Then he broke my arm. Got pissed off, ripped my rotator cuff in three places.”

You don’t know what to say, don’t know what you can say.

Billy continues, “And the older I got, the prettier I got, and the more people wanted a piece of me in one way or another. When people want somethin’, they find a reason to grab it. Shit, you probably know what I mean better than most.”

You nod and look up at him as the two of you keep walking. “You didn’t deserve it, any of it, Billy.”

“Neither did you,” Billy insists, surprising you. You’d never told him what happened, never told anyone. Frank was the only one who you had even mentioned it to. You preferred to keep it buried. Maybe you’ve misread and he meant something else, but instinct tells you he knows, he sees you, he understands.

******

“It’s okay, Frank, it’s just a migraine. People get them all the time and still work,” you insist.

“How many days this month have you had a migraine this bad and still came in?” Frank asks, sounding pretty pissed at you. The lights in your office were as low as they could go and you had had an ice pack over your forehead when Frank came in unannounced as he had a bad habit of doing.

“I didn’t keep track. I don’t know why you’re upset, Frank, I’m getting my work done. This hasn’t affected the quality of my readings or reports.”

“Be straight with me, Blue. Are these migraines ‘cause of your magic?” He refuses to let you get out of this conversation with your excuses. The day or so after you’d returned from your trip with Billy, you had felt better than you had in months but that feeling quickly devolved into feeling worse. You’d had a taste of how good it could be and your magic was protesting. Even going out with him the other night was only a brief escape from the pain.

“Yes.”

“Shit, kid, I didn’t know things had gotten this bad. Does Bill know?”

“No and you won’t tell him. There’s nothing to be done and my job keeps me focused. I’ll tell him if it becomes a problem.” You keep your voice firm, trying to match Castle’s classic stubbornness. You didn’t want to bring Billy into all this, you don’t want him to worry.

“If you get any other symptoms. So much as a sniffle, you will tell one of us immediately. Tell me you understand,” he orders.

“I understand, Frank. I will, I promise.” You aren’t sure if it’s the truth.

Frank eyes you, as if he doesn’t quite believe you either. He eventually nods and leaves your office. Once he’s gone, you remove the ice pack from your face and sit up, reaching for your water bottle. Warmth trickles from your nose and you reach up to wipe it away absentmindedly, as if it’s an itch. You look down at your hand and assess the scarlet coating your skin.

“Fuck.”

******

You had a theory that Matt knew something more than he let on about your health. Sometimes he’d ask if you were okay, a deeper meaning in the words. Or he’d make a point to ask if you wanted to talk, if you needed any help. You didn’t realize how much his enhanced senses were picking up until he confronted you one night in the kitchen of his apartment while you helped clean up after game night.

“You aren’t okay, are you?” He states more than asks.

“I don’t want to talk about it, Matthew,” you reply coolly as you dry a dish.

“You’ve been brushing this off for too long, Blue, talk to me.”

“There’s no point, nothing is going to change this.” You gesture to your head, aura flashing.

“Bullshit. Have you even been trying? Have you looked for anything more concrete about your magic or your species?” Matt is struggling to keep from raising his voice in frustration.

“What is the point? I tried, but it didn't work. I gave up. There is no point in fighting anymore.” You aren’t as good at controlling your volume.

“The point,” he’s practically spitting in anger, “is that you have people who love you. You could have a good life. You just have to want it.”

“A life without real sleep? Without being able to sit in only my thoughts? Without any real chance of a life partner? In a country that’s would sooner collar me, or fucking burn me, than help me? What is the point, Matt?” You’re yelling now, tears slipping down your cheeks as you feel that quiet, ever present rage fill you. The rage of a queer person used to hearing slurs in hallways, bars, and family dinners. Of a woman who has been threatened and belittled and hurt by men who think they are owed something they choose to take. Of a witch who lost her family, her home, her dreams of the future, who was forced into becoming a survivor.

And with this, you begin to face some of the pain you have forced so deep down into your mind. Everything you were, everything you loved, has been taken from you piece by piece. Your family was your only constant growing up, you’d always struggled to make friends. Your parents took that from you in an instant. You thought you would find freedom in your travels, but all you received was hurt and hate from the strangers you encountered. You finally finally settle in a city where you begin to feel safe, and then your rights are slowly stripped away. You hadn’t wanted to be alive in a long time. Even with your friends, your pain still festered within you like an infection you refused to treat. Sometimes you think death would be easier than this. Anything would be easier than this.

“You deserve to live, Blue,” Matt says softly, voice thick with emotion.

“You don’t know that, Matt. You don’t know what I’ve done to stay alive this long,” you shake your head furiously.

“Have you ever purposely hurt someone innocent?”

“No, but I-”

“Then it doesn’t matter. Do you think Frank deserves to die for what he’s done?”

“No, but-”

“Then why would you?”

“What if I’m a mistake?” You voice a fear that has followed you for so long, you can’t remember a life without it. Something that started small, when no one wanted to play with you as a little kid and grew as disaster seemed to follow you everywhere. “What if I’m wrong and that’s why this happened? Maybe this is nature’s way of self correcting.”

“Someone as good as you, could never be wrong, Blue.”

You break down at that. Full, heaving sobs as you lean over the sink, face in your hands.

“Can I?” Matt asks and you nod, feeling his arms wrap around you.You turn and cry into his shoulder, venting emotion that you’ve tried so hard to avoid, and he lets you. Rubs your back gently and murmurs kind words into your hair. “It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay.”

After a while, your sobs taper off, turning to heavy breathing interrupted with sniffles. You try to apologize for ruining Matt’s shirt, but he won’t let you.

“How long has that been building up?”

“A while,” you admit.

“I know I'm not one to talk about the whole, you know, sharing things and talking about feelings, but you know we’re here for you. Right?”

“I know, Matt.”

“I found some older stories and documents, Karen helped but I told her it was a surprise for you. They look promising, Can I send the info to you? Maybe you can look it over and see if anything clicks?” He explains once you’ve calmed down.

“Okay, I’ll give them a look,” you agree. You aren’t sure if your feelings about dying have changed much, but for Matt, for Karen and the rest of the people you’ve become so close with, for Billy, you can try.

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#billy russo x reader #the punisher #fluff #witch!reader #angst #daredevil #frank castle #magic

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greenwaterskeeter · 4 years

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i finally have a coherent personal narrative, and here it is. It’s quite long, but i think of some interest, and might be encouraging!

-Mentions of suicidal ideation, emotional and financial abuse, emotional incest, fatphobia, misogyny, capitalism. Whatever the qpr equivalent of romance is. Ends happily-

I felt for a long time that i should have died when i was 20. Not in the sense that i deserved to, but in the sense that by then i’d accomplished as much as i ever would and was therefore obsolete– taking up resources unnecessarily.

When i was 13, i felt forced to choose between my parents. My bus driver/karate teacher, a kind person who i very much admired, advised me to flip a coin and then, if i didn’t like the result, pick the other. I chose my mother and (privately) pledged absolute loyalty to her (I was obsessed with LOTR at the time and felt that it was the purpose of my life to be a Sam for somebody).

While she was single and struggling to keep the farm and raise my brother (a toddler then), that devotion was used and rewarded. There were times i thought with satisfaction that i might as well be her husband, as well as a parent to my beloved brother. I was proud. I felt righteous. The joy of supporting and protecting her was real. The intermittent anguish of being a minor who could legally only do so much to help was also real. (I believed in laws then).

When I was 17, she remarried (a perfectly nice, wealthy man, as devoted as me and much more powerful) and i went to college. I slowly imploded across all four years, though I didn’t realize that until nearly the end. I think now it was because nothing i could offer her was needed anymore. Every time she treated me like a child instead of the valued partner i had been, i was crushed. Emasculated. i began to feel positively Tortured without understanding why. It sounds like a villain’s origin story, doesn’t it?

When it started affecting my performance, i could only think the trouble was that i was pining for a married professor, as you do. I had fallen in love with him, and made myself his best student (and then his TA, and then began to feel gross about it, quit, and started avoiding where i knew he’d be, all without telling anyone). Once my decline became known and answers were demanded, this was all i could offer in explanation.

I didn’t blame anyone consciously then, but i think now i felt betrayed by how my friends and family reacted. They all thought i must have seduced him (or vice versa if they were generous) to be so torn up. It was too foolish to become suicidal over a crush. They didn’t believe me, or accused me of grandiosity, when i said the professor didn’t even know how i felt. I have always struggled to keep in touch with people, and once my oldest friends gave me the Adultery is Bad talk, it was hard to keep trying.

Everyone did their best and we were all very young. I didn’t understand any more than they did. But still, i can acknowledge now what it would have meant to have just one person who believed in me regardless of understanding. On a deeply hidden level, i felt that my mother, at least, owed me that, after years of faithful service.

But horribly, once it became clear my suicidality was almost entirely passive, she turned on me. She was very frightened. I guess she had also been thanking her lucky stars all that time that i wasn’t turning out like my dad, but here i revealed myself at last to be a freeloader, just like him. I was supposed to go to medical school. I had been the pride of the extended family, the eldest and purest of my generation, a marvel of the local intelligentsia, and i wound up dragging myself back home inept, directionless, cringing, the same as so many unfortunate young cousins and neighbors who’d used to have me pointed out to them as an example. Who would my brothers look up to now?

I endured living at home for a few years. My mom couldn’t keep up the punishment constantly, so although there was no telling when she would start in on me again, or whether she might finally go through with evicting me, there were beautiful things too.

I worked for her husband’s business for no pay, which i understand now was abusive, but i have always enjoyed working with my hands, and when they left me to it, it felt like the old days, like i had a use, even if it was now peripheral. My brothers weren’t sure what to do with me, but we still had fun when we could. The animals comforted me, and it’s special to be able to give affection and gentleness to a creature who depends on you. The woods and mists and early mornings and silent moonlights were still beautiful, and gradually i could appreciate them again. When i was with people, i felt my disgrace abjectly. But on the farm there were many chores to be done alone.

The more i recovered, the more trapped i felt. I even, very alarmingly, spent about two hours one afternoon silently consumed with resentful feelings towards my mother (this hadn’t happened since i was 10). I began to be afraid of losing control and doing something desperate (I totaled two different trucks during this time, on roads i knew well, for no apparent reason). I had given up my spot at a medical school i would not get into twice, and the obvious escape was to reapply elsewhere. I attempted this, and sabotaged it, multiple times.

I got a job at a nursing home, which was hard on my back but full of wonderful people, and was forced to quit when it made me late to my shift at my stepfather’s business too many times. By this i understood that a local job was not getting me out of there. I asked for money to get an EMT certification and was refused. I applied to many online jobs, none of which i had enough time to make money from. I called up one or two branches of the military, and was rejected for being too fat, thank God. I applied to medical school again, and managed to not sabotage it enough that i was accepted into a master’s program instead. It was across the state, five hundred miles away.

And still it might have come to nothing, as i had no conscious plans, actually, of staying away once i was done with this master’s program. The expected thing would be to go on to medical school, but i was only anticipating the first day of being free and couldn’t imagine anything more than a week in the future. I looked at the amount of debt i was taking on for this, knowing in my heart that i would not get a job that could pay it back, and was only relieved that they hadn’t caught onto me and i could still get loans.

There are a lot of things in my story that aren’t what they say is healthy or proper. I shouldn’t have romanticized my own parentification, i should not have had feelings for a 50 year old man, i should have kept trying with my friends, who have good hearts and only made one mistake before i ghosted them, i should have kept telling the truth, i shouldn’t have taken moral injury from things that weren’t my fault, i should have been properly angry with my mother at some point, i should not be grateful that my tendency is to harm myself rather than others.

One person alone should not have been able to save me.

In the second month of my year away, i was in a study group with my roommates and some of their acquaintances, and i laughingly shared some anecdote or other that i thought was harmless. I don’t remember whether anyone else laughed, but one person said: “That sounds kind of fucked up.”

“Oh,” I said, embarrassed. “Eh, well.”

Nothing more was made of it, and we went on studying. Later, this same person saw me sitting in the cafeteria alone and came to sit with me. We met to study again, just us two, and they showed me a video about white tears and watched me closely for my reaction. We compared ideals and found them the same. We came up with a project to collectivize flashcard-making for our class and had to meet frequently to carry it out. “We’re colleagues,” my new friend said, firmly, when people asked if we were together. We discovered ethical problems with the program and protested them, formally and informally. We were accused of being too insular. We talked about our families, and they said things like: “That’s not okay, you realize that, right” and “I think if more people loved the way you do, I’d have a reason to smile in the morning.” It became normal for my eyes to be sore from crying.

Neither of us got into medical school that year. We got an apartment together after graduation, and worked together too until i was fired (I was new to challenging authority and not very subtle in my distaste for our bosses). My friend’s parents wanted them to quit too, to come home while they reapplied, but they said: “Not without Autumn.” So after some negotiating, we went to live with their folks for a while…

We’ve been together for 5 years now. At first I did the same as I’d always done, but my partner made it clear they don’t want self-abnegation from me. I started trying to have boundaries, paradoxically, to make them happy. I’ve dipped into therapy as money allows. I’ve been reading and thinking and writing. Above all, I’ve been loved.

And all this time, I’ve still been deeply ashamed. I’ve spent the last ten years in some degree of emotional pain 24/7. But somehow, two weeks ago, another thing happened that shouldn’t, and i suddenly knew that i was a human being like any other.

I still feel that I should have died when I was 20, but now it’s in the sense that people say, “You shouldn’t have survived that! What a miracle!” Still existing feels like a bonus. I might live a long time from now and i might not. Either way, I’m incredibly lucky to turn my face to the world and know that i am a creature in it, like other creatures. I am well. It’s good that I’m alive.

#by auti #hopefully this is something good for someone :)#long post #yikes i hope this isn't just me rubbing it in that i hit the jackpot #idk i feel good about it so i'm posting it #please watch dr. gabor mate btw #that's part of this #and the untamed is part of it too #i still have problems lol don't get the wrong idea #but still everything's different now #the euphoria has worn off a bit but #it's like... it's like i'm meditating all the time?#it's not painful to be present is what i mean #i have the distinct feeling of being un-nerfed #feel free to rb!#although adding commentary might be weird #still i can imagine certain kinds that might not be so. your call!

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jess-rewatches-prodigalson · 4 years

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Episode 10: Silent Night

This show is taking over my life and I’m not even mad.

Spoilers ahead.

0:28 - This whole scene. Malcolm’s eyes. Holy crap. He looks sad, tired, scared. It utterly breaks my heart.

0:48 - This is Malcolm descending into a panic attack. :( ALSO though - we have confirmation that Ainsley used the clip of her father screaming about how he was a good father. Did Ainsley also use the clip of her listing her brother’s diagnoses? Because honestly, that would be a terrible sister move. I can’t see Malcolm wanting people to know about his diagnoses unless he really trusts them. Is that why Malcolm’s having the beginnings of a panic attack right now? Because he’s realizing that everyone knows. Or is it simply the fact that his father is triggering bad memories for him? Or is it a combo platter?

1:00 - ICONIC. You know this is hilarious and totally in character for Jessica. BUT I think she threw her shoe because she saw Malcolm panicking and she knew that throwing her shoe would shock him out of a full-blown panic attack. I think that if he wasn’t panicking she would’ve just screamed at him and turned off the TV.

1:20 - Look at how sad Jessica is here. She isn’t upset that her son isn’t normal or that she’s not getting grandchildren anytime soon. She’s upset that her son isn’t happy and that he’s suffering. She blames herself for it. We saw that in 1x7.

1:40 - This little conversation between Malcolm and Jessica is really cool. They’re both trying to comfort each other and they’re both concerned for each other.

2:24 - Reason #1214 (yes- I pulled that number out of thin air) that Malcolm needs some sleep. Or some time off. Or some peace. -- The boy didn’t notice that it was Christmas Eve. I don’t care if you don’t celebrate Christmas - the Christmas season has become a massive corporate holiday. It’s almost impossible to ignore. Between the commercials, decorations, sales, music ... how can you not notice?

2:51 - I adore this moment. Look at how happy Malcolm his watching the children run around happily. I’m telling you we need a scene where bright has to hang out with a little kid. It would be cute. Also - Gil. That look that Gil initially gives Malcolm is a look of pure love. He’s happy to see Malcolm smiling. He’s happy to see Malcolm on a holiday. He’s happy to see Malcolm on Christmas Day.

3:35 - Personal disclaimer. I immediately hate Colette Swanson. Simply because Malcolm hates her and Malcolm finds it in him to have compassion for murderers. Therefore - this woman must truly suck.

3:38 - Malcolm looks crushed when he finds out Colette is in charge. Gil is enjoying teasing Malcolm. It’s cute. I like it.

4:05 - Ok. So 1) Malcolm has gone full-blown manic again. Check out the way he just greeted JT. and 2) I looked it up. Kringle is a Scandinavian pastry. So does this mean that Tally’s family has Scandinavian roots? Or JT does and his wife makes it for him? I need to know.

4:13 - Dani looks concerned when she asks if Malcolm has seen Ainsley’s interview. This makes me think that Ainsley probably did include the clip where she lists Malcolm’s diagnoses. This makes me sad. It also makes me lose some respect for Ainsley.

4:37 - How well did Gil know Turner? Gil looks really sad here. Is it sadness because he and Turner were friends? Or just the general sadness that comes over you when you realize that someone you knew died and it makes you remember how fleeting life is?

4:55 - I love how that subtle shot at Malcolm went totally above his head.

5:19 - Where’s Edrisa? We isn’t the medical crew there?

5:34 - When Malcolm takes the gun Gil looks a little alarmed and concerned. Then he shares a look with JT. JT looks concerned too. Actually this whole scene - as Bright gestures with the gun the camera keeps cutting to Gil and/or JT and Dani who have matching looks of concern on their faces.

6:20 - And this is what they were afraid of. The manic idiot, who is clearly not doing well right now, just put a gun to his head. I love how Gil reacts. It’s the same way an angry parent would talk to a misbehaving child.

6:32 - How much do you want to bet that Gil continued that conversation later. Malcolm’s passive suicidality is really getting out of hand.

7:28 - This is great. “Sounds like you.” It’s true though. Since his wife died I’m sure Gil threw his whole life into his work. Now he just works or worries about the team. He seems to know it too. The warning look he gives Dani is a look that says “not the time” not “you’re wrong and I’m annoyed at your sass”.

7:50 - Okay. Colette is a b**ch to Bright. Right off the bat. What happened between them?!? Seriously? This is not professional behaviour. This is straight up harassment. The team does Not Look Happy with the way she’s talking to Bright. All three of them look some mixture of annoyed, confused, and concerned.

8:21 - This whole scene is painful to watch. Colette being more of a b**ch to Malcolm and Malcolm acting like an excited puppy who desperately wants to help. BUT at 8:21 the look JT gives Colette before he walks away. hahahaha I’ve never noticed it before. He’s like “Not my circus, not my monkeys. This woman is cray cray. I’m out.”

8:45 - Love the parallel between 1x5 when Malcolm asks about how Dani knows Estime and here when Dani asks about how Malcolm knows Colette. Also look at Malcolm’s face when he responds. He looks dead inside. I don’t think we’ve ever seen him look at anyone with cold, detached, hatred before. What did this woman do to him?!?

8:50 - Malcolm looks upset here. The way he looks at the ground. Huh. Is Colette just another one of Malcolm’s bullies?

8:58 - I hate how condescending Colette is to everyone in this scene. I love how Dani looks at Gil for guidance on how to respond. Gil looks so mad he’s even refusing to make eye contact with Colette more than strictly necessary. If this woman wasn’t FBI, just a regular member of the NYPD, I swear Gil would lose it on her.

9:10 - Dani looks so upset that Gil is making her work with Colette. AND look at that little warning look Gil gives Malcolm when he says “you’re with me” AND look at that smile that Gil gave Colette before he walked out. hahaha that was not a kind smile. Gil is my hero.

9:26 - Honestly I hate this woman more than I hate Martin. Look at how poorly she makes Malcolm feel. Look at how condescending and rude she is to everyone. IS THIS THE UMBRIDGE OF THE PRODIGAL SON FANDOM?!? Because honestly, if she turns out to be a victim in a future episode I won’t even be mad if the plot doesn’t make sense.

9:34 - so Malcolm has a desk again? Or he’s forced to work at his desk because the case board room has been overtaken by the FBI? Either way - Gil looking at Malcolm with concern and sympathy is fuelling my soul.

9:40 - Ok so two things. 1) Has anyone else noticed that Malcolm only has ONE (1) watch. A brown leather watch. It doesn’t look like a super fancy, expensive watch either. This seems strange for a rich dude (they usually have a lot of watches or at least a fancy Rolex that they show off). I know that doesn’t fit with Malcolm’s personality but the fact that he only wears the one watch makes me headcanon that it was a gift from Gil and Jackie. Maybe when he graduated college or something? THING 2) Is Malcolm avoiding Ainsley’s call because he’s pissed with her about the interview or because he’s got too much going on right now and he can’t handle a drama call from the family?

9:46 - Does Ainsley seriously not feel bad about that interview? I mean she’s asking her brother for a favour right after stabbing him in the back.

10:21 - Shaky hand, scared eyes. This isn’t good.

10:38 - Detective Shannon is a dick. I mean. Even if Malcolm was an accomplice to his Dad’s murders - you just don’t talk to a kid like that. Especially if that kid is showing signs of emotional distress like baby Malcolm is in the flashback. The shaking, slight rocking of the body, eyes screwed shut, shaky voice. Poor little guy is terrified.

11:15 - This suggests that Gil knows about how Shannon treated Bright. How did Gil find out? Recently or when it was happening? What did Gil do/say to Shannon when he found out? Does Jessica know? Is this why Malcolm went mute? Or did this happen after Malcolm started talking again?

11:31 - Okay so protective/concerned Gil warms my heart. You all know this by now. But look at the moment after Shannon calls Gil “lucky boy”. Gil looks positively furious and Malcolm looks scared. Almost like Shannon’s voice is sending him into a C-PTSD flashback. BUT once Malcolm snaps out of his fear he looks angry and suspicious.

13:20 - Gil’s quiet warning is awesome. You can tell that he’s not mad at Malcolm. He thinks Malcolm’s little speech is justified. He’s afraid of what this gun toting lunatic might do to Bright if provoked.

13:34 - This is one of my absolute favourite moments in the show’s history. Look at the way Gil jumps in front of Malcolm and holds Shannon back. That’s partially the cop in him doing his job BUT that’s also a man furious that someone would have the nerve to try and hurt his son.

13:51 - and now Malcolm looks manic again. Gil still looks pissed.

14:38 - Gil’s taking this case personally. Makes sense, even if he didn’t know Ian Turner very well. Gil is a good man who has a very strong moral code. He’s a protector. It makes sense that he would be pissed that an extremely good man was murdered for no good reason.

15:25 - Dani, you are my queen. Tell that b**ch that’s she’s out of line. You go girl.

16:00 - Oh no. Dani is questioning Malcolm. Colette is getting into her head.

16:37 - Okay. It’s Christmas Day. Jessica is supposed to be at home ordering people around to prepare for Christmas dinner. But instead she is at the precinct because Ainsley’s interview is causing her a lot of pain. She’s haunted by the Surgeon and Ainsley’s decided to air out the family issues to the public - thereby giving Jessica no where to hide from her pain. Also - LOVE the way Gil walks in to the room. He knows Jessica is going to come to him with a slightly manic, half-baked plan and/or theory. He’s stressed. He’s in a bad mood. He’s worried about Malcolm and he can’t handle another manic Whitly right now.

17:20 - Gil doesn’t act surprised that Martin chloroformed Malcolm. When did Gil find out? I would’ve payed good money to see that. Also - how selfless is this dude? He’s clearly an emotional mess right now but he stops everything to try and comfort Jessica. He can’t help but be concerned about her. There are sparks here. Check out the way he holds her hands. Check out the soft look that he gives her.

18:25 - All I’m going to say is that when it comes to Malcolm and Jessica - the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.

19:35 - JT talked to Dani about Malcolm’s date. He was so concerned about Malcolm that he called Dani because he knows they’re close. Do you think they told Gil?!? Or did Malcolm tell Gil?! Gil has to know. Right?

19:50 - Malcolm, sweetheart. No. Honey, you’re not broken. Look how sad Dani is. She wants to help him. She can see how deep his depression is. This is honestly so concerning. When someone says something like this, sincerely, with that much pain in their eyes - just take them to see a doctor or just have someone stay with them. Please. They need supervision. They might be a danger to themselves.

20:02 - Ever notice how a lock of Malcolm’s hair falls into his face when his mental and/or physical state starts to get seriously unhinged.

20:46 - Oh. My. Goodness. That Christmas ornament is precious. Look at how happy and cute baby Malcolm and baby Ainsley are.

21:15 - This is such a good conversation. Usually Jessica is overprotective, overbearing, and somewhat controlling when it comes to her children. However, Jess is totally justified in what she says to Ainsley here. It frustrates me that Ainsley is so upset about it. Ainsley really can’t see how her ambition is destroying her relationship with her family. She can’t see that the actions she’s taking to further her career are at the expense of the mental well-being of her mother and brother.

21:45 - “You’re playing the victim.” Ouch. That was a low-blow Ainsley. It’s not true either. Your Mom is traumatized. To an extent your mother and brother are victims of the Surgeon. You are too. Your mother just wants some peace and privacy. That’s not unreasonable.

22:50 - Yikes. Has Shannon been following Malcolm? Look how scared Malcolm is. He’s so much more terrified of Shannon now that Gil isn’t with him. You know how we can be sure that Malcolm is a good person? He actually looks sympathetic towards Shannon. Upset for Shannon. ALSO quick side note - is Malcolm holding a pie? Did he buy a pie to bring to the family Christmas dinner? Why is that making my heart melt?

25:03 - Pissed Gil is such a mood.

26:24 - Anyone else find it concerning that Malcolm is so desperate to catch the Junkyard Killer and to get answers about that camping trip that he is willing to get in a car and go to a random garage with the ex-detective who traumatized him? Also - they have surveillance pictures of baby Malcolm? Isn’t that illegal? I didn’t think you could photograph minors like that?

28:15 - Shannon just won over Malcolm. Look at that sadness and compassion in Malcolm’s eyes. Dang. That’s kind of sweet? Shannon’s still a dick though.

29:25 - Sometimes when Malcolm starts being sincere, soft, and supportive - I swear I’m watching him channel Gil.

30:02 - Anyone else think it’s weird that they left the car running outside with the headlights on? Just me? Ok. Carry on.

30:11 - How poetic that John Watkins is near the end of the list, alphabetically speaking, so it’s one of the last names they check.

30:50 - Malcolm looks downright terrified when Shannon shows him his gun.

31:35 - haha Gil is so exhausted here. Look at him when Bright hangs up. Gil’s like, “Of course. What did I expect? I can’t control this man-child. Please remind me why I love him before I do something I regret.”

31:50 - This is Granny immediately strikes me as really weird. Like more than just regular nutty old-lady weird.

33:10 - Look how uncomfortable Malcolm looks around Matilda. He’s interested in John’s childhood and he’s still working the case but he’s clearly freaked out by Granny over here.

34:39 - Malcolm’s eyes are looking hella manic again.

34:50 - OMG. hahaha Malcolm looks horrified when Matilda pours that gravy stuff on his food. I’m shocked that he didn’t puke.

36:00 - This photo album is...wow. Really increases the creepy factor of this case.

38:45 - This conversation between Colette and Gil is awesome. Gil is scared. He’s trying to protect Bright but he’s also knows that he needs help. Dani and JT look scared.

39:27 - OMG. I didn’t like Shannon but he didn’t deserve that.

39:48 - So Matilda is kind of a serial killer too. Right? She knew her grandson was a murder and she helped him. She condoned it. She’s as bad as he is.

40:45 - Oh Jessica is desperate. She’s totally throwing Gil under the bus here. She wouldn’t do that unless she was desperate.

41:25 - Dani and Gil look terrified. OMG. My heart is breaking.

42:20 - Malcolm has that knife right in front of his mother’s townhouse. So I guess Martin was lying in 1x7 when he said they bought it off the turnpike in New Jersey during their camping trip.

So...things are getting scary for Malcolm. Thanks for hanging out Prodigies.

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wellesleyunderground · 5 years

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[TW: Suicide] A WU Conversation on Suicidal Ideation - Part I

According to a Centers for Disease Control (CDC) report, suicide is the second leading cause of death in the United States among those ages 10 - 34. While the increasing suicide rate nationwide has been reported, there is also a population of people who have experienced thoughts of suicide or suicidal ideation (SI) but perhaps haven’t necessarily acted on those thoughts. It can often be isolating or uncomfortable for those who experience SI to broach this topic with family or friends due to the stigma surrounding these types of thoughts but also possibly due to feelings of fear or shame. Wellesley Underground would like to tackle this topic head on and start to have conversations about what it is like to be a person who has had or continues to have thoughts of suicide. We reached out to the Wellesley community with a series of questions and are sharing these alum experiences with the hopes that others may feel less ‘not normal’ in hearing from their W siblings who have been in a similar place. Responses included members in classes ranging from 1994 to 2017 with their current industries including academic research, non-profit administration, higher education and law among many others.

Here is part one in our two-part series.

How did you first realize that the thoughts you were having constituted suicidal ideation? What age were you approximately?

“19 - I explicitly and specifically planned the least inconvenient death for others to manage.” L, Class of 1996

“Somewhere in my 20s. It's hard to say because it was so much of my thought process.” Anon, Class of 2000

“27. I was sitting in a mall parking lot; I had just finished some last minute Christmas shopping. I burst into tears because I realized I couldn’t drive home. If I did, there was a real chance I would drive my car off the highway and into a tree. I guess I had been ruminating on this strategy in the back of my mind for a while. And suddenly it burst through all the layers of my consciousness. I was very aware of it as a real option, and I felt capable of it, and I also really, really *wanted* to do it. But I also didn’t want to do it, so I just sat in my car. I felt like it would be really alarming/cruel/dramatic/ridiculous to call a loved one to help— and say what? Hey, I know this is out of the blue, but can you come pick me up so I don’t kill myself? So I just sat there, maybe for an hour, until the urge had softened a bit.” D, Class of 2012

“16 or 17 years old” Anon, Class of 2014

“I knew I wanted to die at an early age. Suicidal ideation? That terminology didn't exist at the time.” Anon, Class of 1994

“I remember reading somewhere online about suicide ideation being different from being suicidal. Almost immediately I thought to myself, I think that's what I'm doing. This was last year, I was 24.” Anon, Class of 2017

“I was in 5th grade when I first starting thinking about suicide. I was on the playground thinking about how I would kill myself and I even verbalized it to some kids-- I remember thinking that drinking perfume would kill me and I planned on doing that and even told some kids.” Anon, Class of 2008

How would you describe your experience in terms of having passive versus active suicidal ideation (or both)?

“I would say I have fallen on the passive side of SI for the better part of 20 years of so. It felt more active about 2 years ago after I experienced a traumatic event but for the most part I have sort of hovered in the passive "I'm not really attached to being alive" space.” CH, Class of 2009

“I have attempted suicide once about 6 years ago and have thought about it on and off for many years.” Anon, Class of 2014

“I’ve never been actively suicidal. I’ve never had a plan, *and* been like “Ok sis, today is the day! Let’s do this!” For at least the past four years, I’ve existed somewhere on a passive spectrum that goes from “I really wish to not be alive, and I know how I would make that happen if I ever decide to” to being someone who has no plan but who does daydream like “What if I had a freak accident today and died? That would be fine.” to being someone who is generally cool with being alive, but who takes solace in the fact that one day I won’t be.” D, Class of 2012

“Most of my experiences have been with passive suicidal ideation. Recently, I went through a period of about a month where I dealt with active suicidal ideation.” Anon, Class of 2017

“I have had both. Usually when its active, its very painful and something has triggered an extreme response-- when i was in college it was getting a bad grade, having a bad fight with someone I love. I feel a lot of shame and doubt myself (am I being dramatic, am i trying to get attention) things of that nature. My depression is very much tied to my period -- in the days right before my period I tend to have suicidal ideation. If I haven't been taking my medication, if something upsetting has happened, if I've had too much alcohol, this combination can lead to active ideation. Otherwise, on a monthly basis I have passive suicidal ideation where I think perhaps everything would be better if I was gone.” Anon, Class of 2008

What’s going on? In your head, in your life?

“This was before my first intensive therapy and part of what prompted it. I was in grad school, and it was so disappointing after Wellesley. I was depressed and lonely. I had moved to a new city for my grad program.” Anon, Class of 2000

“At different times in life, it differs. Some of it was an intense desire to be with others who had died, to not have to continue with the pain in daily life. If I could die without causing pain to others, I would.” Anon, Class of 1994

“I feel most suicidal when i feel lonely.” Anon, Class of 2014

“I'm 33 and really am fighting against this narrative in my head that says where I am, who I am is not good enough - that I should be prettier or more charismatic, that I should be partnered or have a graduate degree or should have moved out of my hometown or have more stamps in my passport. I know rationally that I have experienced a lot of trauma that has played a part in where I am currently in life but it's hard to quiet that voice that can't accept that reality and also acknowledge what I have been able to accomplish.” CH, Class of 2009

“The first ones were triggered by emotional loss. More recent ones stem from exhaustion and depression.” L, Class of 1996

“I am currently a graduate student getting a PhD in biology. I am still dealing with anxiety, depression and suicidal ideation, but these issues have become much less intrusive on my life. I currently have stable groups of friends and a significant other who give me a lot of support when things get hard.” Anon, Class of 2017

In thinking about your experience with SI as well as your feelings about yourself and your life overall, what factors or life events do you think contributed to or exacerbated your suicidal ideation?

“At the top of the list is just brain chemistry. I have severe PMDD. My normal current of slight melancholy sometimes morphs into suicidal ideation in the 7-10 days before my period. When I reflect on my most serious phase of suicidal ideation to date, environmental factors definitely contributed. I had a lot going on. I was navigating one very unhealthy romantic relationship, and dealing with the deeply painful end of another. I was applying to grad school. I was in a toxic living situation. Donald Trump had just been elected president. One of my close friendships was under strain. And I had decided to “take a break” from my organizing community, which was one of my most important sources of social support, at probably the exact wrong time.” D, Class of 2012

“Romantic relationships ending, overwhelming nature of parenting and working full time, underlying untreated depression and anxiety.” L, Class of 1996

“Isolation and people judging me for my mental health exacerbated my suicidal ideation.” Anon, Class of 2014

“Lack of a local support network, loneliness, isolation, emotional abuse from childhood.” Anon, Class of 2000

“I don't have a strong sense of self worth and I tend to be highly critical of myself. Prior to college, I also didn't have any very strong relationships. I am not emotionally close/open with my parents or siblings and I didn't have strong friendships. These things exacerbate(d) my suicidal ideation because I can convince myself that I wouldn't be missed.” Anon, Class of 2017

“Family dysfunction, multiple traumas, not feeling loved or valued, being financially responsible for adult family members, sacrificing my goals/dreams due to family obligations.” CH, Class of 2009

“My personal experiences with suicide (in two years a close family friend, a teammate in college, and my best friend's college friend committed suicide), years of mounting depression.” Anon, Class of 2017

____________________

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, here are some resources:

National Institute of Mental Health

Suicide Prevention Resource Center (SPRC)

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP)

Canadian Mental Health Association

International Association for Suicide Prevention (IASP)

#mentalhealth #SI #wellesleyunderground #difficult conversations

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someonewholikesautumn · 4 years

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TW: paedophilia, committing non alive, emotional abuse, manipulation, sexual assault/harassment

So this is gonna entail really fucked up things I thought/did/happened to me as a child, influenced of course by my extreme loneliness, Abusive parents and other stuff. Gonna list this because I can't really formulate it differently:

(btw im around ages 7-11 when I had these thoughts. )

1. I was desperately in need of love, I was so lonely that I had escapist dreams where it literally was me having a friend and people who treated me kindly. It got to the point where I once even took sleep medication to to see "them" (=the friend in my dreams. They were recurring for the most part) again.

2. Again because I was so lonely and desperate for love, I had a hierarchy in my head of what kind of people get loved and others who didn't deserve any. (surprise, I was in the category of being undeserving of love).

-> this lead me to changing my behavior to be more "traditionally feminine" (I got most of my information on what was "attractive" over days of research on all kinds of websites. They were typically pretty sketchy, misogynistic and overall just really toxic)

3. My thought process was something like "irrational rationality" (= it's a term i made up, basically meaning that even if things had pretty obvious contradictions and/or didn't make much sense, I would take it as law and obey it.) like for example :" If I don't please others, then I should just die. I'm too useless, obnoxious, burdensome and emotional. How could I burden others like this? I only annoy my mother.. I'm really too stupid to do anything right." (Most of my negative thoughts blossomed from my mother's passive aggressive remarks, mood swings coming like waves on the beach, gaslighting, verbal abuse of literally calling my half of those things that I mentioned above, seeing me as an extension of herself so she could vent to me about every single thing, making me responsible for her and my father and more.)

4. This is still something I'm working through but it's another toxic thing. So with the irrational rationality in mind, I thought in the past my only good point was that I was a child, so at least paedophiles would like me. I even went on shady sites to try and chat with pedophiles. It never was really successful tho.

The part that I'm working through here, is where the fuck that thought came from. I was inappropriately touched by older kids in Grundschule (older kids were ages 11~) when we played a game of Räuberfangen, I was held down in an embarrassing way (multiple guys had hold down my arms and legs so I could not move. This was in a public areas well. The teachers didn't care.) and had my chest touched (I was an early bloomer. I already had it growing a bit) they stopped after that. I felt dirty afterwards. Maybe that's where it came from? Or it's another repressed memory where I did successfully came into contact with a paedophile? Or maybe it was my extreme loneliness again?

5. Ngl, when I was younger I seriously needed help. I still do now, but it was more urgent back then.

My thoughts were really negative 24/7, repeating awful words like a mantra (It was words like :"Useless, burdensome, stupid, obnoxious, bad child, overreactive, too emotional -" and so on.)

So as one would expect, I wanted to commit suicide by 10 years old. When I felt really suicidal, I would walk onto busy streets, fail to get hit and then get cussed at drivers.

6. When I was 12, I promised myself I would only be allowed to live until 16. That way I could allow myself to experience life and have a clearer goal on how to live without the consequences of my actions (like housing, jobs and such for the future.). I have strong influence on my thoughts for the long term. When I say I will deteriote my mind until being suicidal again, I will do it wether I want it later on or not. I've said this before but it really is like I turned over an hour glass and can only stare at it slowly running out. I personally don't fear death, only the pain leading up to it. My mental health has partially deterioratet to the point of my Grundschule self. More so than in the previous years, I'm losing the energy to move my limbs. They get incredibly weak with a slight tingling sensation in them, yet I can still feel things but can't move them no matter how hard I try. The time period where I can't move them is getting longer as well. (first 10 min, a week later then 20 min and so on. The longest was 1h. I told my parents but they never even touched up on the topic again after I told them about it, they just swept it under the rug🙃)

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davidchill · 6 years

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Luna’s Holiday, That Book, and Davina McCall.

I’ve been without my pooch for almost a week - but I’m looking forward to our reunion on Friday. In her absence, I’m rattling around in this house with nobody to talk to, so I’m taking a breather from my work and my book to write an important blog. Yes, that’s allowed. And I’ll come back to That Book in a moment.

It’s mental health awareness week, so I wanted to share my two penneth. In the hope that it might help someone… and maybe even help people to understand.

People often scoff when I tell them that I let Luna watch Coronation Street, but, truth be told, that’s one of the few shows that raise awareness of mental health. Also, Luna absolutely loves the meerkats. And the cat in the opening titles. Quite recently a popular male character took his own life, but the story was handled in a very sensitive way. Some people lambasted the storyline, saying that he’d not exhibited “signs” of being depressed - but that’s exactly what the story was trying to highlight. A lot of people with depression don’t wear their feelings on their sleeve. They’re not going to come into work every day and start sobbing at their desk, they’re more likely to be quiet, affable - and crack the occasional joke. To the outside world they’re as happy as the infamous Larry, without a care in the world - because they can’t talk about their problems or bring themselves to talk. It’s STILL a huge stigma in men of a certain age, and it really shouldn’t be. We’re told to “man up” or “cheer up” or “shut up and get on with it” when that’s the last thing one should do. A gentleman of a bygone era might tell you they cycled fifty miles to work every day, in a blizzard, with a broken leg - therefore people of today should do the same thing.

Back to Corrie; I always identify with characters who suffer with anxiety and depression. Yes, I saw the signs in the weeks leading up to the character’s suicide. The crestfallen stares into the middle distance… hiding away in the house… putting bills to one side in the hope they’ll go away…

Thankfully, I’ve not lost any friends as a direct result of depression - but a few friends have gone off the radar over the years. Especially in the past year. One minute you’re exchanging messages or amiable chat and then, suddenly, it’s almost like a switch goes and no matter how much you try and reach out or attempt to be affable, they become very standoffish and matter-of-fact. It would be easy to file such people under “rude” or “cold” but so many people are fighting private battles that we know nothing about.

For the record, if I’ve ever been aloof with anyone I can only apologise. And if anyone ever wants to open up about their struggles then I am always here to lend an ear. Social media can be a very cold place at times, and it’s easy to simply ignore people - but I think it’s important to think how you’d feel if you were constantly ignored by someone who cares for you and only wants to be kind.

In the past few years a couple of things have consumed my life. My dog and my book about my dog. The eagle-eyed amongst you might spot a link there...

In 2016, when I set up my crowdfunding page, the plan was to write a book based on life with my dog. Now this isn’t an excuse, because I don’t need an excuse... but sometimes in life things don’t go to plan. I had absolutely no idea that I’d be forced to sell my home the following year, and all the palaver that entailed. Let’s be honest... most days I could barely afford to eat properly and I owed family/friends around £5,000 so when my bank loan fell through, the only possible way of getting people off my back (and enjoying an occasional meal) was to sell my home. But that was my own fault for spending too many years working for a pittance and spending beyond my means. It’s important to have a “nest egg” and now, if I fell into financial hardship again, I wouldn’t have that “safety net” and it’d be game over.

In the days after I emerged from that gruelling home sale and being “between homes” my anxiety had reached dizzy new heights... I was being asked “Where’s this book?” Or “How’s this book coming along?” And I tried to explain that things had gone off the rails…

Until this very day, and despite sending a number of updates out to the backers - I don’t hear from someone for months and then they pop up with “How’s the book?” Or “This book better be good!” or “Yawn! Still waiting for this book!”

Such pressure always works wonders for my anxiety.

No, I can’t blame people for being curious or even vexed, but my mental well being had to come first. The book is already way over budget, so to those who donated less than £20 - you’re getting an absolute bargain. Perhaps I should split the book into two books (it’s big enough) but I simply can’t afford to publish two editions, so people will get one lengthy book.

I’m not J.K Rowling, or someone who’s being paid to write novels. So I don’t have the luxury of saying; “Today I can sit in my office and write for 10 hours.” Last week I had to juggle the book with Luna, two websites, two logo designs and delivering 800 magazines in four days.

If I was constantly popping up on social media, posting photos of my lunch, I’d understand people getting rattled about me not writing the book. It’s just irksome when, after getting up in the morning and working through until 2 or 3am, I post something [unrelated to the book] on Twitter or Facebook only to receive a dig about not writing the book. Yes, I know it’s probably “banter” but at times it comes across as passive aggression.

Yes, I’m on it. The book consumes me 24/7.

Luna’s been in Southwold since last Friday (at least one of us gets a holiday) as I found juggling the book, the dog, and multiple work deadlines was probably going to drive me to a breakdown.

Taking Luna to Southwold for a holiday while I remain home in Cambridgeshire might sound excessive. But there are few places I trust with my dog… and it actually worked out less expensive (plus I get a very brief bit of sea air too). There’s no way I can afford a holiday myself - so this was the best compromise.

Also, when I get comments like; “Try having kids!” or the extended remix… “Try two kids, three dogs, and the ex wife!” I generally shake my head.

Guys, this isn’t Top Trumps.

Anxiety and depression is utterly exhausting, and when you’re alone with a high maintenance dog, people constantly on your back about something and work deadlines then, at times, things can just get a bit much.

For years I’ve had “Where’s my money?” and now it’s “Where’s my book?” so, rest assured, there’s not a soul on this Earth who wants this book out sooner than me. It’s not going to be out in time for Comic Con on the 25th, but I still have high hopes for going to print at the end of May/ early June.

If often feels like I’ve become second to the book. I’m sure if I was hospitalised, I’d wake up in my bed to hear someone say; “Right, time to crack on with that book!” God forbid anything should happen to Luna. “At least now you can focus on the book...”

So please, before you feel the need to give me stick about the book, ask yourself a question; Is this comment really necessary?

I’ve reached a point now where I don’t actually care if this book is loved or loathed. I’ve poured my heart and soul into it, and that’s really all I can do.

I just want to say a huge thank you to everyone who’s just trusted me enough to get on with it in peace. Even if it receives negative feedback, it’s been the most therapeutic endeavour of my life, and has, quite possibly, saved my mind. Perhaps my life. Every day I thank God for blessing me with a sense of humour.

Oh, and please spare me any complaints about the language. There’s nothing in there that the average 12-year-old hasn’t heard in the playground. I never, ever, swear on social media, and if a word is used (very sparingly) it’s only for comedic effect.

Finally, Davina McCall…

Early last year I was asked to appear on This Time Next Year, with Davina McCall. To this day I don’t know why, but I was selected from hundreds of people… application form, telephone interview, Skype meeting that was recorded and sent to the bigwigs at ITV… and suddenly I was sitting on the sofa, in front of a live studio audience, with Davina McCall.

The second series has just aired on ITV, but I filmed for the third series, which is presumably coming later this year. However, my interview isn’t being broadcast. They film around 100, but with only six episodes per series they can only broadcast around 30 interviews.

Davina’s lovely, and we chatted a bit about Luna and how my anxiety has held me back in life. Although coming through those doors to face the live studio audience was perhaps the most terrifying experience of my life. I was on last too - so I sat in the green room for about five hours before walking out to meet Davina. At the time I was battling to clear my debt while wishing to keep my home, get the book out, etc… but from the beginning the producers wanted to focus more on my [lack of] love life. In the end it became something that I wasn’t entirely comfortable with… and I think me finding a girlfriend within the year would have been a very tall order. What with everything else. Also, on reflection, I hope looking back at the interview wasn’t awkward for Davina, because she told me how she met her husband on a dog walk… and at the time they were still together. Like I said earlier; sometimes “life” just takes us to places that we never expect. Still, it was a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I’m thankful for the opportunity.

In summery; Please try to reach out to someone today. It’s especially easy for single people to fall off the radar and be forgotten about. Talk to them. Invite them for coffee. Go on a dog walk together. They won’t bite! Unless they have a particularly “bitey” dog.

Something as simple as sending a message saying “How are you?” takes seconds (unless you have particularly large fingers) and could even save a life. Sure, you could say “It’s not my problem” or “Someone else will do it” but if everyone took that stance then the suicide rate would go through the roof.

Above all; be kind. It won’t cost you anything.

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daydreamingprocrastinator646 · 5 years

Text

8th August 2019

Apparently if I talk about anything from past even though it contributes to the conversation, such as memories I have from school, my sister will shut me down and will say, ‘You need to get over the past’ even if I’m just reminiscing an old time in my life because the conversation had reminded me of it.

Today we went to the supermarket for the Thursday food shop and that’s when my sister said ‘You need to get over the past’ because we where talking about uno. She asked me if I knew the rules, I said kind of and that it was a while back. I thought I’d tell her what kind of uno cards (Simpsons) and how I lost and got a punishment of having my head flicked, then she says what she said. I instantly get annoyed because like I’ve said she does this all the time I remember something from ages ago.

It annoys me that I will listen to whatever she has to say, like a few days ago about long term friend and her issues with her, but when I want to say something that I remember or that I’m interested in, she gives me a snarky comment and doesn’t take any consideration the fact that it hurts me that she can’t even listen to me without being passive aggressive. The same thing happens with my mum, which now that I think about it, they do seem to share many negative traits.

Speaking of my mum, it’s been 4 - 5 days now that shes been either rude or distant from my dad. She keeps putting the blame on him for dumb, little things. At first her reasons where valid because of the fault of the woman I shall not name, but know it’s over things like him falling asleep while they’re watching a movie or him not listening properly. That doesn’t mean though that my dad doesn’t have any fault in the situation. He shouldn’t of lied to her in the first place and when they where on good terms he would also say things that may of been a joke, but just came of blunt and rude towards my mum.

Another thing with my mum is that because most of the time my dad and I are working, she gets lonely and then sets her frustration on my dad, which he then sets towards me. We suggest she do stuff with her grand kids or the dog, but every time she says ‘I can’t be bothered’. What the hell are we supposed to do? We can’t be with her 24/7, even if we did she’d get annoyed by us. Then she says stuff like nobody cares and she’s bored, that really pisses me off because we all try to help her but she blames everyone else for her own sadness.

With mum’s birthday, I wish my sister and mum would talk to each other about the planes because my sister keeps being annoyed by my mum with the changing of plans and how difficult shes being at the moment. So now my sister keeps venting to me, which stresses me out. It’s the fact that they keep telling me to talk to the other and are unsure of the plans, I don’t even know what the plans are because they already have their opposite ideas of whats happening.

I’ve been feeling so tired and anxious lately that every minute of the day I feel like going to bed. I can’t be bothered to do any work and every little thing annoys me. The whole situation with my brother and his girlfriend doesn’t help anybody, they’re so frustrating. Just let me see my nephew god damn it!

The 2 years of stress, depression and anxiety caused by my family, my self and my future has been so draining. I’m glad the suicidal thoughts haven’t come back, I fear every day that they will. Even last week I was fine, I was smiling and laughing. When ever these events occur, it always brings me back to the numb, unhappy person I was last year. I hate this feeling, but at least I have my salvation to keep my mind occupied. BTS have been a rock for me these past 2 years. I love and appreciate them so much for the light they have given me.

#annoyed #bts #bantansonyeondan #myfrustrationsdiary

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eversage · 7 years

Note

I dare you to answer all 170 questions luv youuuu

FUCK YOU I SHALL

1: How tall or short do you wish you were? I wanna be 6'1  2: What’s your dream pet? (Real or not) A FUCKING GRIFFIN, but real talk a hedgehog or a Newfoundland dog will suffice  3: Do you have a favorite clothing style? Gay witch TM 4: What was your favorite video game growing up? Idkkkk  5: What three things/people do you think of most each day: Alec, Sky, my art/how stressed I am about my art 6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say? Oh god this is a meme from forever ago. But uh idk probably "really gay messy artist" 7: What is your opinion on [insert person/thing here]? Bleh  8: What is your Greek personality type? [Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic] fuck if I know? 9: Are you ticklish? Nope 10: Are you allergic to anything? Histamine, go look it up. Now cry for me. Now go look up high histamine food now cry for me. Now go look up how stress, heat, and hormones can all increase histamine in the system. Also dustmightd. 11: What’s your sexuality? Grey-Gay-Asexual-Aromantic  12: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa? I'm basically allergic to all three but cocoa  13: Are you a cat or dog person? Both 14: Would you rather be a vampire, elf, or merperson? Merperson 15: Do you have a favorite Youtuber? Dan and Phil 16: How tall are you? 5'8 ish 17: If you had to change your name, what would you change it to? Uhhhhh Oliver? I think  18: How much do you weigh? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!] 198 LBS 19: Do you believe in ghosts/spirits? yes 20: Do you like space or the ocean more? Yes 21: Are you religious? Yes  22: Pet peeves? Idk  23: Would you rather be nocturnal or diurnal [opposite of nocturnal]? Diurnal 24: Favorite constellation? Ursa Major 25: Favorite star? Idk the sun 26: Do you like ball-jointed dolls? Yes but I'm brokkeeee 27: Any phobias or fears? Fuck idk  28: Do you think global warming is real? Yes 29: Do you believe in reincarnation? Yes 30: Favorite movie? Fuck if I know?  31: Do you get scared easily? Nah 32: How many pets have you own in your lifetime? 10 33: Blog rate? [You’ll rate the blog of the one who’s asking.] 34: What is a color that calms you? Pastel 35: Where would you like to travel and/or live? Philadelphia? Indiana because babe? 36: Where were you born? Mexico 37: What is your eye color? Brown with rings of blue 38: Introvert or extrovert? I'm so introverted 39: Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs? Yes 40: Hugs or kisses? Kisses 41: Who is someone you would like to see/visit right now? Alec 42: Who is someone you love deeply? Alec 43: Any piercings you want? Septum 44: Do you like tattoos and piercings? Yes 45: Do you smoke or have you eiver done so? No 46: Talk about your crush, if you have one! He's a babe, he sleep talks, needs a hair cut and is a fucking idiot but he's mine 47: What is a sound you really hate? Machinery in horror films 48: A sound you really love? Alec's voice 49: Can you do a backflip? Used to  50: Can you do the splits? Used to  51: Favorite actor and/or actress? Fuck if I know  52: Favorite movie? Fuck if I know didn't I already answer this? 53: How are you feeling right now? Headachy but good 54: What color would you like your hair to be right now? Pastel pink  55: When did you feel happiest? Fuck if I know  56: Something that calms you down? Age regressing 57: Have any mental disorders? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!] hahaha depression, anxiety, ed, passive suicidal tendencies, psychosis, sensory processing disorder, probably some learning issues. Kinda duck if I know. 58: What does your URL mean? My blog is about my voice  59: What three words describe you the most? Powerful, witch, gay. 60: Do you believe in evolution? No. 61: What makes you unfollow a blog? NSFW, any sort of hate/phobia (like homophobia transphobia and such), being thinspo/Mia/Ana, or anti age regression 62: What makes you follow a blog? Aesthetic, kind, funny 63: Favorite kind of person: idk 64: Favorite animal(s): polar bear  65: Name three of your favorite blogs.  66: Favorite emoticon: 🖕🏻 67: Favorite meme: fuck if I know 68: What is your MBTI personality type? Idk  69: What is your star sign? Taurus 70: Can your dog roll over on command, if you have a dog? No 71: What outfit out of all your clothes do you like to wear the most? My Harry otter shirt, red sweater and whatever pants 72: Post a selfie or two? 73: Do you have platform shoes? Nope 74: What is one random but interesting fact about yourself? Idk 75: Can you do a front flip? Yes 76: Do you like birds? Yes 77: Do you like to swim? Yes 78: Is swimming or ice skating more fun to you? Swimming I've sprained my wrist three times skating 79: Something you wish didn’t exist: hate  80: Some thing you wish did exist: equality 81: Piercings you have? Just my ears  82: Something you really enjoy doing: art  83: Favorite person to talk to:  Alec, Sky, jordan, Kerry 84: What was your first impression of Tumblr? Idk  85: How many followers do you have? 198 86: Can you run a mile within ten minutes? Idk if I tried probably  87: Do your socks always match? Pfffttt you think I have the energy to find socks  88: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely? Barely, I have short hamstrings always have 89: What are your birthstones? Emerald 90: If you were an animal, which one would you be? A polar bear probably  91: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be? Idk  92: A store you hate? Walmart  93: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day? None because caffeine=anxiety  94: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds? Fly 95: Do you like to wear camo? No 96: Winter or summer? Winter 97: How long can you hold your breath for? Idk a whole 98: Least favorite person? Idk trump probably 99: Someone you look up to:  Sky100: A store you love? Idk blick  101: Favorite type of shoes, keds probably 102: Where do you live? Oregon  103: Are you a vegetarian or vegan? If so, why? Nope can't be  104: What is your favorite mineral or gem? Uggghhh probably blue goldstone 105: Do you drink milk? Yes but not as much as I'd like because it makes me sick 106: Do you like bugs? Depends  107: Do you like spiders? Depends  108: Something you get paranoid about? Idk  109: Can you draw: yes  110: Nosiest question you have ever been asked? Iddkkk 111: A question you hate being asked? Idkkkk  112: Ever been bitten by a spider? Probably  113: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach? Yes  114: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days? Depends 115: Someone you’d like to kiss or cuddle right now: alec  116: Favorite cloud type: idk  117: What color do you wish the sky was? I like it  118: Do you have freckles? Yes  119: Favorite thing about a person: idk probably smile and laugh and voice 120: Fruits or vegetables? Fruit 121: Something you want to do right now: see alec  122: Is the ocean or sky prettier? Idk  123: Sweet or sour foods? Sour 124: Bright or dim lights? Depends 125: Do you believe in a certain magical creature? Yes  126: Something you hate about Tumblr: discourse 127: Something you love about Tumblr: community 128: What do you think about the least? What?  129: What would you want written on your tombstone? Gay and changed the world  130: Who would you like to punch in the face right now? Sam...  131: What is something you love but also hate about yourself? My weight 132: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures? Yes. 133: Computer or TV? Computer 134: Do you like roller coasters? Fuck yeah 135: Do you get motion sickness or seasickness? Vaguely  136: Are your ears lobed or attached? Lobed 137: Do you believe in karma? Yes  138: On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are? I'm like a 95 139: What nicknames do you have/have had? Hayge, hayhay, denden, snow (please don't use that) 140: Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends? Yes  141: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink? She was shitty  142: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others? Good 143: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help? Giving 144: What makes you angry. Not a lot  145: How many languages do you speak fluently? Sadly one vaguely three 146: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries? Boys 147: Are you androgynous? Yeah  148: Favorite physical thing about yourself: my eyes/smile  149: Favorite thing about your personality: fucj if I know  150: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person. Alec, ren, Sky,  151: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose? Greece probably  152: Do you like BuzzFeed? Vaguely  153: How did you meet your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner? [If you have one.] got set up!  154: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons? Fuck yeah  155: Do you like to play with others’ hair? Yes 156: What embarrasses you? Idk  157: Something that makes you nervous/anxious: being told "I need to talk to you" with no context 158: Biggest lie you have ever told: fuck if i know  159: How many people are you following? Like 1000 160: How many posts do you have on your blog(s)? Idk  161: How many drafts do you have on your blog(s)? Idk  162: How many likes do you have on your blog(s)? Idk  163: Last time you cried and why: uhhh cause I wanna move out  164: Do you have long or short hair? Short  165: Longest your hair has ever been: ass length  166: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religon? It's a part of who I am  167: Do you really care how the universe and world was created? Yes  168: Do you like to wear makeup? Yes 169: Can you stand on your hands or head for more than thirty seconds? Idk  170: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully? Yeah

#ask game #ask box #Hayden answers

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cosmosogler · 7 years

Text

i have a lot to talk about today, but i also kind of just want to chill and fish for bottle caps. even though fishing in pokemon games is infinitely more frustrating than talking about my feelings. it’s one of those days.

i woke up before my alarm went off again. it took me forever to fall asleep last night, like, a loooooong time. i couldn’t get comfortable, my pajama pants kept riding up and my bug bites were itching and hurting. diogi came in my room and stood in the doorway for a few minutes. i said hi to her, but she seemed to want something, and i couldn’t figure out what it was, so i told her she could stay as long as she wanted and closed my eyes. i don’t remember exactly what i was dreaming about, but it was kinda small scale. i put my alarm on snooze in the morning for a few minutes anyway.

then i got up!!! and showered!!!!! i didn’t shave though because of the bites. i instead gently soaped my legs. that didn’t help much at first, but after i dried off it seemed to settle them down for most of the day.

i posted some pictures i took yesterday to my tumblr and then ate some of my aunt’s leftover salsa and then i drove out to the hospital. the directions they gave me were not helpful and even though i got to the hospital complex ten minutes early i did not find the mental health department until about five seconds after noon.

turns out when i asked if they took my insurance yesterday the receptionist was either mistaken or lying. and when i checked the web site to see if they took my insurance it was either mistaken or lying. because they don’t take my insurance. i spent a half hour sorting it out, filling out paperwork, calling the insurance company with the intake lady, to find out they would not cover a single dollar if i was treated at this hospital. a thousand dollars a week! for a program that lasts eight weeks!!!!

they recommended a place down the road. i said ok and wrote down the name and looked it up when i got home, and it was one of those places that i had looked up previously on my insurance company’s network site and it had terrible reviews.

then dad came in and yelled at me about not having looked up any of my graduate program acceptance statuses yet. he said “how could you not open those emails?” and i shrugged and said “i’nno” and turned and stared at my inbox. i clicked open a random email. then i closed out of it, then i opened it again. dad stood behind me and watched my screen. i closed the email, and then opened it again.

this is why mom thinks i’m stupid.

when dad left i did open every graduate email and updated my checklist. i was rejected from eight places. and accepted to one! i didn’t hear back from two other ones. i emailed the university of florida about my change in transcript.

then i called mom about the insurance stuff. she said i shouldn’t have sent that email. it was a “red flag raiser.” i felt really deflated. like... i’ve been trying to figure out how to do this for months. i finally just gritted my teeth and did it. and now i did it wrong immediately and unforgivably. they might change their minds now since i won’t have a math minor or quantum 2 under my belt starting off... and apparently i wasn’t supposed to inform them that i could not complete my final (optional) semester. mom said i should only have told them if they asked.

that is, of course, a pile of bs, and my academic adviser told me i should let them know months ago when i visited campus.

then i celebrated my accomplishment by watching a review of, um, i think it was sharknado, yeah. dad started painting the hallway a few minutes before i started. i told him i got into university of florida.

then about twenty minutes into the video dad popped his head into my doorway and said “so you’re not talking to me now?” really annoyed.

it was really confusing and disorienting? because i had given no indication that i was ignoring him or giving him some kind of passive aggressive silent treatment? and he didn’t try to speak to me in the time in between our last interaction?? like, i thought we were just both minding our own businesses. but apparently there was some kind of problem?

then he told me to paint the doors. i said ok and continued watching my video, figuring i’d just start painting after the video was done in 5 minutes. dad came in a minute later and told me to paint the doors again. i looked at him like, can you not see i’m already doing something else? i’m not always available to just, jump up and do chores on command. i did something difficult and something massively time-wasting that took all my social energy and i was taking a half-hour break before doing anything else. but that wasn’t good enough i guess!

so instead of calling my insurance company i painted a door. then i stopped and called the insurance company. while i was talking to the insurance lady my mom came home and started trying to talk to me. even though she could clearly see i was on the phone and saying things to someone on the other end, and SHE was the one who had previously asked me to call the insurance about my coverage options. while i was being transferred mom asked if i wanted help and i said ok and gave her the phone. then i turned around and saw a spot on the door i had missed and made a small noise and went to get the paintbrush. while i was filling in the spot mom jerked as if i had slapped her and said “i didn’t wipe it off!”

like, i hadn’t even looked at her or made any indication that i blamed her in any way for the thin paint? it’s just that, the new color is almost the same as the old color and i had just missed a patch. but mom acted like i had personally attacked her when i was... reacting to a mistake i had made.

i’m so goddang tired of mom and dad! jesus christ! mom does this ALL THE TIME. like i’ll come downstairs and ask her where diogi is or something and she’ll act like i hurt her feelings somehow or insulted her. and dad blames me for things i could not possibly have known about, or expects me to just get up and do what he says immediately without question while i am ACTIVELY DOING SOMETHING ELSE. he used to do that when i was little. i would be literally using the bathroom or brushing my teeth and he’d call and i’d come when i was done and he’d yell at me for not coming immediately. i’d tell him i was peeing and he’d say “so?”

or he’d yell at me for not coming ALL THE WAY over to him. i would come to the stairs and ask what he needed and he’d say “come here!” and i’d say “what do you need” and then he’d insist i come to him. and then when i got over to him he’d say something pointless, or send me back upstairs to do a chore.

this also happened while i had my heart problem, so running and climbing stairs literally hurt me.

asher told me the whole “inappropriate reaction to nothing at all” is absolutely gaslighting. i mean, i expected as much. i’m kinda pissed that they are still doing this when i am 24 years old. just because i can’t take care of myself they are acting like i am 9 years old again.

mom used to play this game. it’s called “you’re wrong.” basically she’d call me over and scold me for something or other, it didn’t matter what. if i argued, i was giving her “attitude” and would be punished. if i agreed, she’d tell me i was wrong and i would be punished. if i apologized, she would tell me i didn’t really mean it and i would be punished. if i just stared at her, i was “giving her attitude” and would be punished. if i didn’t look at her, i wasn’t paying enough attention and therefore “giving her attitude” and would be punished. if i had literally anything in my hands or ears she would rip it out. this game was her favorite in the car with me in the passenger seat.

we played it at least twice a day, every day, until i was 14 and left the house for boarding school. and then when i came back for summers, we would play it twice a day, every day. when she came to visit on weekends it was the “you don’t really appreciate this school, you’re unhappy here, you should come home” game instead. then when i had to come home from villanova with suicidal depression for a year we played this game twice a day, every day.

when it wasn’t mom, we played a variant on the game with craig called “you’re abusing me.” for two years until i tried to kill myself. then i went home and it was back to “you’re wrong.” at least i got to go to community college three days a week for an hour. got me out of the house.

i wonder how much my dorm parents in high school knew about my mother problem. i think every adult on campus breathed a sigh of relief when i finally started seeing a therapist when i turned 18 and didn’t have to disclose to mother what i told the therapist. but then college happened anyway.

(when it wasn’t “you’re wrong,” it was getting hit. or kicked.)

i often found, and still find, myself wishing that i had died of my heart problem. the 10 years before the surgery that i was alive were a waste of time, and the 14 years since then have been a waste of time.

well, i got some facilities to look into from the insurance lady. i think i’ve got 7 places, 2 of which i had previously rejected. after that i painted the other three doors, and painted the hallway wall down to about the dogs’ eye level so wiley wouldn’t lick the wet paint. then i fed the dogs and took them outside for a bit. then i ate the rest of the salsa. the whole thing. it must have been more than one measuring cup’s worth. then i took wiley for a walk. little kids are always happy to see wiley even if they don’t stop to pet him. and one of the guys whose house i always walk past smiled at me when he was getting out of his car. dogs, especially pretty dogs like wiley, are a good way to attract positive attention.

after that i took the dogs outside again and got DEVOURED by mosquitoes. i was so upset. i put on so much bug spray. i realized that the bug spray is 13 years old though. it’s got my initials on it from when i went to christian summer camp while i was in christian school. i will try something a little less out of date next time. in the meantime i was in so much pain and discomfort and burning that i corralled the dogs inside and groaned and hustled upstairs and slapped some itching cream all over my ankles. the bites were hot to the touch and the skin was pulled taut from the swelling. it’s awful. they have cooled off since then... it’s back to just being itchy. and the spot i know i got bit hasn’t swelled up yet.

i thought about scratching my face to hell, but i stopped myself. i’ve been using some neutrogena wash and that’s helped create less... incentive to scrape off my skin. and i’ve been trying to leave alone the old wounds because they are already taking a very long time to heal.

i went downstairs and had a snack right before 10. a tortilla with cheese. the only thing besides chips and salsa i’ve eaten today. i just wasn’t very hungry at all. maybe i’m still full from yesterday’s lunch. i did remember to take my meds more or less on time though.

so... i did a lot of work today. made some important phone calls/emails. i got plenty of exercise. i managed to not hurt myself or get in a car crash. and i kinda mumbled along with the radio while i was driving so i did something vaguely artsy today. tomorrow i’ll call a hospital thing and maybe try to draw. and go to therapy, i gotta do that too. i’m not sure what asher’s schedule looks like and i’m a little apprehensive about inviting him over right now, both because my house is covered in painting supplies and because of the stuff he’s got going on. maybe i’ll bring it up tomorrow.

#suicide thoughts #emotional abuse probably #physical abuse definitely #really long

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datesfordummies · 8 years

Note

Just because 1-65 you don't need to do them all if you don't want to

challenge accepted.

but just remember, you asked for it.

1: Do you have a crush at the moment?

yeahhhh #mountainman

2: Have you ever been deeply in love?

not romantically but i do have a crazy deep amount of love for my friends and dog. does that count?

3: Longest relationship you’ve ever been in?

3 months

4: Have you ever changed for someone?

I think I’ve gone along with things that I wasn’t totally a fan of for someone. Also, I’ve tried new things to impress someone else but lucky me I ended up liking those new things a lot

5: How is your relationship with your ex?

My last actually ex, we don’t talk. My most recent thing tho was a summer fling and we’re still friends!

6: Have you ever been cheated on?

not that I know of…

7: Have you ever cheated?

nope!

8: Would you date someone who’s well known for cheating?

probably not. like i’d have to really really really like them and know that they really really really liked me

9: What’s the most important part of a relationship?

being happy with each other

10: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?

serious relationships. flings are just consolation prizes when college and summer camps and other such things limit the time together.

11: When you are dating someone do you believe in going on “breaks”?

not really. unless maybe i would get it for like temporary long distance, ya know? like when we are in college we date, when we go home for holidays we go on a break. but idk, i’d have to trust them.

12: How many people have you ever hooked up with?

just 1 :)

13: What’s one thing you regret saying/doing in a previous relationship?

my first boyfriend i know nothing about. all we did was makeout and he was very pro-pda and i was not but i was not yet pro-speaking up for myself sooo i kinda got a reputation from that relationship that followed me all the way thru high school

14: What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start having sex?

i don’t know that there’s an age. like teens at least. but, when you are mature enough to talk about it with the actual sex words like penis and vagina without getting squeemish then you’re ready

15: Do you believe in the phrase “age is just a number”?

yeahhh #mountainman #14years…oops

16: Do you believe in “love at first sight”?

nahhh, but lust yes

17: Do you believe it’s possible to fall in love on the internet?

yeah! love is 1. a choice 2. an emotions thing and emotions can be conveyed thru the internet (also god bless skype y’all)18: What do you consider a deal breaker?

mean to strangers and like employees/ wait staff. like just don’t be an asshole.

19: How do you know it’s time to end a relationship?

i don’t have a set rule…i can just kinda sense a shift in the energy between us. is that too hippy-dippy bullshit of an answer??

20: Are you currently in a relationship?

nahhh #lookinatyamountainman

21: Do you think people who have dated can stay friends?

of course! i don’t see why not, given it was a mutual split. after sometime, come back and be buddies!

22: Do you think people should date their friends?

if they like their friends then yeahhh

23: How many relationships have you had?

really real relationships? 1

24: Do you think love can last forever?

since i strongly believe we choose to love people then yes, if you care enough to stick it out

25: Do you believe love can conquer all things?

i don’t see why not?

26: Would you break up with someone your parents didn’t approve of?

nahhhh

27: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about dating what would it be?

communicate ya feelins!!!!28: Do you think long distance relationships can work?

yeahhh, it takes work but if they’re worth it then yeahhhhhhhh

29: What do you notice first about another person?

hair usually

30: Are you straight, bi, gay or pansexual?

straight

31: Would it bother you if your partner suffered from any mental illness?

nahhh

32: Have you ever been in an abusive relationship?

not romantically?

33: Do you want to get married one day?

it’s not a goal of mine. like i’m happy if i never do. i’m happy if i love someone enough and it feels right and i do.

34: What do you think about getting your partner’s name tattooed?

noooo don’t do itttt like love can last forever, but it could end in an unforseen break up sooo yeahhh nahhhh

tips from mountain man: only get name tattoos of your own kids or dead relatives.

35: Could you be in a relationship without sex?

yeahhh my sex drive is low af actually

36: Are you still a virgin?

depends on your definiton of sex. like i say i’m not bc i’ve recived oral but i’ve never even touched another person’s genitalia actually ((is this oversharing??))

37: What’s more important: Looks or personality?

personality!! i feel people start to look like how they act the more you get to know them

38: Do you enjoy love films?

yessss. my favorite is An American in Paris

39: Have you ever given anyone/received roses?

i got a rose today from my friend! and sometimes i get them after plays that i’m in from my wonderful fam and buddies. and i have also given them to my buddies. never romantically tho.

40: Have you ever had a valentine?

nahhhh

41: What’s your imagination of a “perfect date”?

we take our dogs to the dog park (bc they’d have a dog let’s be real) then get tacos and smoothies and sit somewhere to watch the sunset

42: Have you ever read “Romeo & Juliet”?

yeahhhh #hamletisbetter43: What’s more important: Your partner or your friends?

friends are ride or die so…yeahhhh

44: Would you consider yourself “romantic”?

i can be. i mean, you’ve all seen my blog sooo

45: Could you imagine to date one of your current friends?

my close friends no but like one of my side friends maybeee, i had a fling with one of them so yeahhh i would date him.

46: Have you ever been “friendzoned”?

yeahhh but he’s like my dad now

just to clarify: not my actual dad. he’s just the dad of our friend group so we call him that.

47: Which “famous couple” is your favorite?

if the obamas don’t count then i’m not participating.

48: What’s your favorite love song?

That’s All by Nat King Cole i think

49: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

yeahhhh i still feel guilty to this day

50: If you’re single, why do you think you are?

i keep comparing everyone i meet to a wonderful man who probably sees me as like a child #mountainadult

51: Would you rather date someone who’s rich but a douchebag or someone who’s poor but a nice guy?

poor and a nice guy

52: Are you good at giving other people advices regarding dating/ relationships?

nahhh the absolute worst, right guys???

53: Are you jealous of couples when you’re single?

only when they’re like super duper cute like my friend’s bf just posted this really great pic of her on insta and said ‘just an appreciation post bc i’ve never been so happy’ and like when will i ever??

54: How important is it to make a relationship official (p.e. on facebook)?

not that important. like make it official in ur hearts don’t worry about fb.

55: Would you consider yourself “clingy”, “overly attached” or “jealous”?

i don’t think so?

56: Have you ever “destroyed” a relationship?

no?

57: Do you think it’s silly to consider suicide because of a broken heart?

i won’t say silly but also don’t do it because i love you and that’s just one of sooooo many eligible people who would love ya wayyy better

58: Are you the “dominant” or the “submissive” part in a relationship?

i like balance but i’m probably more sub by nature like i’m super passive and like follow other’s flow

59: Have you ever forgotten important dates like your partner’s birthday or your anniversary?

i ALMOST forgot a birthday and ended up making brownies at like 3am the night before

60: What’s your opinion on open relationships?

not for me but if it’s your thang and your partner is down then go for it!

61: Who’s more important: Your partner or your family?

welll family is the og ride or die

62: How do you define “cheating”?

physically being/ go on a date with or attempting to be with another person when you are committed to someone else

63: Is watching porn while being in a relationship inappropriate?

nahhh

64: Do you think Valentine’s Day is overrated?

nahhh, i’ve made it my self love day (although that’s kinda everyday for me)

65: Would you consider yourself a “cuddler”?

i used to hate it but it’s actually my job now like i go to people’s homes and cuddle with them as a form of therapy so yeahhh

thanks for asking and ya the real mvp if you read all of those!

anyone who wants to answer all or some do it! and tag me so i can know all of your secrets!

#i had fun #me #answered

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flowercrown-jackson · 8 years

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1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69, 70, 71, 72, 73, 74, 75, 76, 77, 78, 79, 80, 81, 82, 83, 84, 85, 86, 87, 88, 89, 90, 91, 92, 93, 94, 95, 96, 97, 98, 99, 100

1.- Probably a very passive/aggressive one. That one person that you would’ve never even had as a suspect.2.- Absolutely nothing. (Just got home)3.- Daisy (idk lol)4.- Anyone tbh, i’d be ore surprised by the fact that someone’s calling me.5.- Two bottles of beer max, every 5 months or so 6.- Not at all, ack7.- Their eyes and smile8.- I’ve learned not to 9.- Absolutely, only thing i really like about myself10.- I have the trick to disappoint 11.- Tall, slim, fluffy hair and gentle eyes (idc about color), nice smile12.- I already answered this 13.- If he can skate then that’d be a bonus lol, anything is cool w/me tbh14.- Caressing and kisses no the temple15.- I just really want someone to push me against the wall and just kiss me silly. Kinda like it rough lol ¯\_(ツ)_/¯16.- I think I have to understand the concept first to answer this. I’ve had plenty of crushes tho17.- Yeah but he’s dating someone and I’m kinda in the process of getting over him 18.- I’m straight~19.- Black, idk, it goes with everything and its cool i guess lol 20.- I have plenty omg21.- Pffftt. Yes. All the time 22.- The same as now only more sociable and without anxiety or depression23.- One near the beach. Two stories.24.- The fact that someone thought i was actually going to not do this whole thing lmao. Nice try~25.- The beach26.- Favorite: insanity/insane Least favorite: gosh27.- Lip bitting, rolled up sleeves, a nice laugh, arm veins, jawline, etc etc28.- A terrible personality and having no manners29.- Yup (I have a pool. Sue me.)30.- I’m not too fond of heights, I’ll have to think about it (for my entire lifetime)31.- Two, older brother and younger sister. Sucks to be in the middle.32.- Love it, I enrolled in an academy at age 3, stopped when i got into hs tho, bc no time. I miss it.33.- Being unfaithful in any circumstance34.- I stole a book about Jesus when I was 4. It was accidental, I just wanted to sit on smith and I forgot it was there ¯\_(ツ)_/¯35.- A huge fuck load of things, wow36.- Arachnophobia. Cannot stand them at fucking all37.- Nope38.- Yeah, I choke a lot and I was close to drowning had it not been for my brother39.- Atheist, tho i come from a catholic fam40.- Plenty of times41.- Not really42.- Everyone tells me that im nothing like either but physically? I’m my dad only as a girl and younger43.- Summer44.- No, but i want one45.- Only the ones for earrings 46.- I have had none47.- PFT IS THAT EVEN A QUESTION? yes, i have too much to handle 48.- Read and write, also doodle and dance49.- The beach 50.- I guess ??51.- SUSHI52.- Yeah53.- Haven’t had it54.- None, geez 55.- Theme park would be gr856.- A bit of both but more introvert57.- Ofc58.- Surfing59.- Being kicked out of the best HS60.- Probably???61.- Not sure, tbh62.- Nope63.- Yes lmao, i can’t remember one tho bc iddc lol64.- No65.- I’m pretty fucking stupid. I can play 4 instruments and I’ve tried to commit suicide66.- yes 67.- Yup68.- Haven’t been in one69.- There is no glass (´°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥ω°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥｀)70.- PUSH ME AGAINST THE GODDAMN WALL71.- Ninochka and Karla are amazing72.- -73.- Body: nothing / Personality: everything except that im super fucking shy irl74.- I don’t think so75.- Both76.- Nothing, but a couple of friends stayed over a few days before, does that count?77.- I like too many://78.- Probably cry ‘till 2030 and make the best funeral ever 79.- Failing the subject I did in 4th semester80.- I’d like to do a shit ton of things but since im broke prob nothing 81.- It’s so long but basically my douche ex-best friends and I hooked up and i destroyed smith of his and then his dad gave me a job to pay for it lmao82.- Never been in a relationship so single i guess83.- a mermaid84.- When we all went bicycling that one time 85.- Eveyr single crush i’ve had. All the time.86.- Nope87.- I fell when i broke a glass bowl88.- Writer/Business 89.- Three is my limit but yes90.- liberal i guess91.- Both are great in their own way92.- It’s cool if it’s under control 93.- The political world 94.- Canada, Australia or Greece95.- Greece or the Bahamas, back to Hawai’i 96.- idk, annoying?97.- The loudest person alive but also the shyest, there in no in between, i also like to think of myself as fun but idk lol 98.- GRADUATING HOPEFULLY99.- Getting this far in HS100.- I already answered this

Send a number to my ask!

#anon asks #nice try anon #ask me stuff

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axiomandidiom-blog · 7 years

Text

This was made for kids in high school and I did it anyway

1:Is there a boy/girl in your life?

2:Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?

I don't know who that would be, but probably. I assume I've forgiven them if I can't remember. Unless we're counting me, in which case, no. I have not forgiven myself.

3:What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?”

Cats. But, like, TV cats. I don't think of real cats as making this noise.

4:What’s something you really want right now?

Money. Which is stupid. I have money, or enough. I guess actually I want money so I don't have to plan my spending, and I don't want to plan my spending because I'm scared of numbers and because I don't like cooking and because I can't keep anything in the fridge without it rotting, as food tends to do if you forget about it and leave it in there.

5:Are you afraid of falling in love?

No. I am afraid that I am unlovable. I don't think I'm a person most of the time. I can't do things people can do. I'm something less-than.

6:Do you like the beach?

I adore the beach. I should go.

7:Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?

I think I've been asleep while some nephew was sitting on me. If that counts. Otherwise no. I haven't had an opportunity to in many years, and I don't like touching people mostly, and I can't really sit still without fidgeting and that makes me nervous when in situations where I have to sleep near someone. I almost can't believe I typed that. I'm the fucking worst.

8:What’s the background on your cell?

Default. D:. I've never thought of changing it. What's wrong with me? What would I even put there? People? Friends? I don't like any of my friends enough to do that. It would have to be a pretty hilarious picture.

9:Name the last four beds you were sat on?

Mine, my roommate's... some of the bonus ones at my parents' house I guess. I don't go in people's bedrooms.

10:Do you like your phone?

Kinda shit tbqh fam

11:Honestly, are things going the way you planned?

I've never been a planner. I kind of always assume I'm going to die imminently. I think that's called “generalized anxiety” but it's my experience of life. If this is a roundabout way of asking if I feel like I've accomplished anything, the answer is no.

12:Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?

Either my therapist :X or the phone at work, idk on the timing exactly they both happened kinda recently

13:Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler?

I don't like dogs. But man do I hate poodles. Rottweiler might be okay if I could get it to be nice (I'm aware this is dependent mostly on me, and frankly I'm irresponsible af)

14:Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?

Does anyone say physical? I mean I get headaches sometimes and I can't really do anything but wallow when that happens, and I'm in fairly constant emotional turmoil and it doesn't stop me from going to work or doing my laundry or anything. So idk. But fuck emotional pain. At least I know the physical pain will go away. At least physical pain has causes I can identify, things I can do to prevent or mollify it. Emotional pain is just mind poison and you can't get it out and you can't stop it.

15:Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?

Art museum. I don't like animals really.

16:Are you tired?

Typically.

17:How long have you known your 1st phone contact?

Like 2 months. I assume this means first in alphabetical order, cause I got no way of determining any other order that I know of.

18:Are they a relative?

Nah. Friend of a friend who played DnD with me a couple of times. She's cool but I can tell from the way she talks to me that I don't make much sense to her.

19:Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?

Just the one. And no. I think that would just make me hurt worse. I think I'm poison, and I think other people are poison too. And I'm still really mad at her for like no reason. And I'm still upset about the entire thing. Why did I do that? Why did I do anything?

20:When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?

2009. So like ~7 years. Same person as last answer. I don't want to talk to her. I see her around sometimes and all I feel is shame.

21:If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?

I don't believe in marriage, I don't believe in other people, and I don't believe in tomorrow.

22:Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

I think I would just start crying instead.

23:How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?

0. I don't do adornments.

24:Is there a certain quote you live by?

Everybody else is just trying to get by, too. If you can do anything to make it easier for them, do it. Also, I don't like to be first and I don't like to be last. I don't think those are quotes but they inform my thinking a lot.

25:What’s on your mind?

I'm horrible. I wish I was a better person. I wish I was thin. I wish my skin was better. I wish I wasn't so abrasive or critical. I wish I didn't get tired of people. I wish I was better at talking and making people feel like I'm interested in them, I think people who can do that have a better time. I wish my brain worked right. I wish I could keep things together in my head and in my life.

26:Do you have any tattoos?

No. I don't like anything enough to tattoo it on me. I don't generally believe the events in my life have meaning, let alone have enough meaning to be converted to a symbol and affixed to my skin.

27:What is your favorite color?

Orange, followed closely by green.

28:Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?

Possibly never.

29:Who are you texting?

My friend group.

30:Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch?

Yeah. Was many years ago. But we did more than that on couches.

31:Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?

Yes but that doesn't mean anything. I feel like something bad is always about to happen and sometimes bad things happen. There's no causal relationship there, and not even a particularly strong correlational one.

32:Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?

I like to talk to my friend J when she's around. I feel like she understands me and likes me. She's an old friend's sister, and the daughter of my mom's friend. I'm not really friends with her brother any more but I still like and talk to J. Just, not very often. I wish I was better friends with my friend E's fiance but I dunno how to make that happen.

33:Do you think anyone has feelings for you?

Good feelings? I dunno, I think some of my friends think I'm okay. Romantic feelings? Lol who would that even be. If there is, they should say something to me because I'm p oblivious. But no, I doubt it.

34:Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?

Maybe? Not many people look into my eyes, and I don't like looking into the eyes of other people.

35:Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you?

I'd probably leave. I assume (I hope, on some level) she is kissing someone, because that would mean she was with or pursuing someone, and I want that for her if that's what she wants. I also would feel really, really bad, and go outside and look at the sky and think about how shitty I am.

36:Were you single on Valentines Day?

For the last 7 years

37:Are you friends with the last person you kissed?

No. Don't want to be. I don't think I could do that. I think I used to want to, or think I could, and somehow that feeling has shriveled and all that's left are fear and anger and sadness.

38:What do your friends call you?

My name. :/

39:Has anyone upset you in the last week?

Yeah. Lots of. Not on purpose I don't think. I just tend to ruminate and let things accumulate until I'm just all sorts of a mess. And that's been like that for the last 28 years.

40:Have you ever cried over a text?

I don't remember. Don't think so.

41:Where’s your last bruise located?

Arms probably.

42:What is it from?

Dunno. I bruise super easily, and I bump into stuff a lot.

43:Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?

Couple months ago was the last time I thought about seriously leaving my situation. Before I got a job. I also have some persistent but passive suicidal ideation and if I'm being rational I can think “you don't want to die, you just want to not be doing what you're doing or going through what you're going through,” and that helps a little.

44:Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

Friend E. Just making plans I think.

45:Do you have a favourite pair of shoes?

No. I don't keep them long enough for that. I wear them until they fall off.

46:Do you wear hats if you're having a bad hair day?

What does this mean? I wear hats when I haven't washed my hair in a few days and I look shitty.

47:Would you ever go bald if it was the style?

I have been bald, not sure it was the style. I would do it again, it just isn't super socially acceptable.

48:Do you make supper for your family?

Lol what family. And I'm a garbage cook.

49:Does your bedroom have a door?

No I live in a cave and I drape a sheet over the entrance.

50:Top 3 web-pages?

Sfw, I like certain reddits, giant in the playground is cool too, love me some twitch.

51:Do you know anyone who hates shopping?

Me and everyone who has the attention problems I do.

52:Does anything on your body hurt?

Not at the moment.

53:Are goodbyes hard for you?

Depends on the permanence. The act itself isn't. I'm not so great at dealing with the aftermath.

54:What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?

Who can say, I do this all the time, it's a miracle I keep myself clean at all ever.

55:How is your hair?

Short, and garbage.

56:What do you usually do first in the morning?

Look at my phone, try and get some music playing, helps me get up.

57:Do you think two people can last forever?

All permanence is an illusion.

58:Think back to January 2007, were you single?

Yeah.

59:Green or purple grapes?

Green.

60:When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug?

Next time I feel bad for them, or next time I see someone I haven't in a while and that I like (this is p rare), I don't like touching people.

61:Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?

Yes, and no. Yes because always I wish my life was not my life, no because I like my bed, it's a nice bed.

62:When will be the next time you text someone?

Tomorrow sometime probably.

63:Where will you be 5 hours from now?

Here, sleeping hopefully.

64:What were you doing at 8 this morning.

Think I was still asleep.

65:This time last year, can you remember who you liked?

I don't like people. I haven't felt attraction to anyone in a long time, until recently, when I stopped taking some of the drugs I take. I frankly don't know what to do with this feeling and it's upsetting to me and makes me feel alone and pointless and horrible. How come other people get to have this thing I can't have?

66:Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

No.

67:Did you kiss or hug anyone today?

Niece/Nephews, other misc family.

68:What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

Anxiety about church today. It was bad but not as bad as I thought it would be.

69:Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

This is what life is. You have asked me if I have been alive, and by my count I've got 28+ years of living behind me.

70:How many windows are open on your computer?

71:How many fingers do you have?

Is this a trick question? I have 12 like everybody else.

72:What is your ringtone?

Keep it silent. Heartbeat buzz pattern.

73:How old will you be in 5 months?

Just turned 29. RIP

74:Where is your Mum right now?

At her house.

75:Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?

What a dreadful question. Because she got tired of me? Because I don't know what love is or means? Because I'm garbage? Fuck you question 75 you made me sad.

76:Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?

I. Don't. Like. Touching. People.

77:Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?

Yes. Hopefully always. They are the only things in my life that make me feel good.

78:Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7?

Like, 7th grade? Fuck me. Uh. Yes. Ansley. I dunno why. She was mean and sharp and sad. She dated a friend of mine and was awful to him. I'm a messed up person.

79:Is there anyone you know with the name Mike?

My brother.

80:Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?

Yes.

81:How many people have you liked in the past three months?

???

Zero mostly. Though as mentioned above I've been recovering my sense of attraction to people. But I don't interact with anyone consistently enough to, uh, 'like' them.

82:Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?

My roommate. It's hot in here and it's usually no pants o'clock. It's not weird, you're weird for thinking it's weird.

83:Will you talk to the person you like tonight?

No, because no and because there is no person.

84:You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?

I've never been drunk. I don't yell at people. I drive around with my roommate and other friends though.

85:If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care?

Is it disrupting their life? Is it a problem? Are they hurting themselves? If yes, then yes.

86:What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie?

Ate dinner with my family tonight, Uncle+Aunt (in law), both brothers, niece/nephews.

87:Who was your last received call from?

I think a debt collector, smdh.

88:If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you?

Yeah. I'd be upset about it though. Look we all live with certain unpleasant realities, I don't have any control over that, I can't just not exist in this world where someone offered me $1000 to kill a living creature in a horrible manner just to see what kind of detrimental effect it would have on my psyche. Also, it's an insect. It's basically a really complicated robot. If it was a cat or something I'd say fuck no, probably to any amount of money.

89:What is something you wish you had more of?

Attention and Concentration.

90:Have you ever trusted someone too much?

Maybe? It's been a while since I've been taken abject advantage of.

91:Do you sleep with your window open?

When it's too damn hot, yeah.

92:Do you get along with girls?

About as well as I get along with other types of humans, which is to say, no. I'm agreeable and conflict averse but I'm not really engaging and I don't like to be engaged.

93:Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?

Does it qualify if there's an obvious truth and a path to change in my own life and I can't see it or refuse to acknowledge its existence? Because this might be the case.

94:Does sex mean love?

No? Does anyone think this? I think the problem here is one of equivocation. If you think sex means love you necessarily don't have the same definition of love that I do. It means your definition of love is sex. So what you're saying is do I think (word x) means sex, in which case, maybe it does, sometimes words have synonyms. But if you're asking me if I equate my idea of love with my idea of sex, then no, those are different things, specificity in definition is what leads to knowledge and understanding.

95:You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?

Maybe that would make us talk. I think I would have a panic attack, though. I think that would be a conversation I wouldn't want to have. I would want her to tell me there's nothing wrong with me and that we weren't right for each other, and that would would go a long way maybe.

96:Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?

Nope.

97:Did you sleep alone this week?

For. 7. Years.

98:Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you?

I find fault with the premise; if everybody has somebody that makes them happy, and I don't have that, am I not everybody? I already know I'm not everybody. If we're starting from the assumption that the former is true, how could the latter be not true if we assume the former? If we can't assume the former, then the question should read, “Do you have somebody that makes you happy?” which was alluded to in an earlier question. And no, I don't. I'm aware that mostly I'm in control of my own emotions, or that I'm in control of my interpretation of information and evidence which has an effect on my emotional state.

99:Do you believe in love at first sight?

No, for the reasons put forward in question 94. To believe in the above I would need to equate attraction with love and I don't. I do believe in attraction, and that attraction is (initially) strongly dependent on sight for some people, and also that physical attraction is not an indicator of future relationship or of compatibility (though it might be a precursor to a sexual liaison, and there's nothing wrong with that. And yeah, I am speaking only about other people. I don't do that, don't think I would want to do that with a rando).

100:Who was the last person that you pinky promise?

I wrote a short script where two characters have a special promise called a “chigsy swear” where they both brush their chins with wiggling fingers and say “not by the hair on my chigsy chig chigs.” This is the closes approximation to the question I can recall.

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momentofclearity-blog1 · 8 years

Text

Day 2

Black folks, I'm not sure where this came from, not sure who came up with this ideology, but every issue CANNOT and IS NOT be the devil. More importantly, mental health cannot be directly correlated with the works of the devil or demons. Now Let Me Be Clear... this is not to take excerpts from any USA Today article or any Psychology.com study. This is from the point of view of of someone who has heard these comments ring out in the many of households that I've both lived in and visited, hearing boys told to man up or girls told to stop being a drama queen and get over it. Even the references made towards zodiac signs seems to be more of a reason to excuse behaviors and signs or justification to blow things off. WORD TO THE WISE: every gemini does not have mood swings. Every cancer is not overly emotional. Every pisces is not confused about life because their fish are swimming in opposite directions. Make no mistake, their are situations when it happens, but we cannot continue to use that as a scapegoat instead of asking the right questions to get to the bottom of issues. Many issues are serious in our communities but we place these things in a chart and place them in order of severity instead of simply trying to understand what the true cause is. Many times i've heard "oh well black people dont go through stuff like that." Or "aint nothing wrong with you. You better go grab your bible & pray. This aint nothing but the devil." It is thinking and verbiage like this that causes more issues in the long run. Mental illness knows no gender, age, socioeconomic status, etc. And damn sure knows no race. But we have made ourselves to believe that we are invincible and being so we would never have to worry about something so beneath us. Beneath us to speak with our children and comfort them rather than ridicule. Suicide as a result of mental health treatment or the lacktherof is in the top 5 leading causes of young african americans aged 15-24. Is that not reason enough to worry about the mental well being of those around us just as much as we focus on the physical aspect? But hey, what do I know. Not like growing up fearing that the schizophrenic you live with is going to invent a situation in her mind that makes her lash out at the whole family, the 7 year old included is a true event. I speak from the experiences I know. Experiences I've dealt with. Its often said that a great of blacks suffer from PTSD as a result of the slavery experienced by their ancestors and the discrimination and racial inequality that they experience at the hands of their counterparts. While I feel as though thats true as well, I'd like to think that more of this starts at home than by what we see in the media and experience in neighborhoods like the East Side, Park Hill, Montbello, etc. Its almost as though we fear the world knowing that we are imperfect. Knowing that we have flaws like any other human being. So we hide any imperfection we can. Rather the world know that we have food stamps for sale than allow our children a voice to express the fact that they are depressed or are often extremely anxious or even go through multiple mood swings & are unable to explain the reasons why. Rather than acknowledge the problem, we use the "oh shes just going through something" disclaimer to make our friends not judge us too much. Black folks, please understand the stigma that we are placing on the heads of the ones we love by doing this. The anguish that you put on a love one when you force them to deal with a level of adversity that can be treated, that can be talked about, that can be maintained and should under no circumstances be ignored. But we don't want to put a bad name on ourselves. So we do things in secrecy. Talk to the pastor & give in abundance for prayers and oils & well wishes when that same energy should be going towards finding out the triggers. Please understand, I speak on this out of personal knowledge. No book, no article, no movie, etc can tell me of what I have already dealt with and seen since 1994, if not earlier. Make no mistake, I judge no one person for the issues I have dealt with nor do I want any one person to do that to their loved ones. My hope is that we will stop being so passive to an illness or set of illnesses that can attack a person in an very aggressive manner. I've heard people told to "just suck that shit up" when they muster up the courage to tell people of the pain they have been dealing with. Hell, I heard the remarks Drake made about Kid Cudi for him checking himself into a facility to get treatment for his mental health issues. I also heard the remarks from people saying the exact same types of comments. " Oh he's ok. He'll be alright. Ain't nothing wrong with that nigga" Even worse, we MUST as a people, as a culture discontinue the word crazy as a way to describe someone who has taken a leap of faith to bring this to ones attention. Its dismissive as Dave Chapelle said. Crazy is not a term used to describe the hardship of wanting to live a productive life but not knowing how to. Crazy is not a term to use for someone that has been so battered or abused or damaged that they show signs of PTSD. Crazy is what you use to describe a crowd of Duke University students who are excitedly celebrating the victory over North Carolina rival, University of North Carolina. Crazy is a word you use to describe a sale that you took advantage of at your favorite store. Crazy is NOT a term you subject a mentally ill person to being labeled as. Regardless of the diagnosis or the reasons for wanting not to reach out for help, it is important that we look for signs or look into ways to respond more appropriately to the issues of those around us, especially our youth. Depression is real, regardless of what caused it. Schizophrenia is real. Anxiery, Bi-polar disorder as well. While the church and our communities have always been an outlet for us, it cannot be the ONLY outlet. The only source of solace from an issue that constantly makes some question if their existence is worth preserving. Let me tell you all a story of how serious mental health can get, regardless of age. Imagine a teenager. Abandoned by family. Using sports, school, or other extracurriculars to take their mind off of the lack of certain family members. The lack causes anxiety in this teen. A desire to want to fix any issues with these missing family members but an uneasy feeling that also comes about showing them that the outcome may be not be desirable. This teen decides to put their already diagnosed depression on paper. Talk about the things that have happened through pen and paper, with hopes that this will not only help with the anxiety but help fix the relationship. The teen is praised at school for their work and their writing snd finally allows the anxiety to subside and shares the work with family. Only to be told that the writing is the "dumbest shit they have ever heard" and told to "get that shit the fuck out of their face." Anxiety spikes. Depression does as well. The writing talked about a character from a book that they can relate to( the character unfortunately deals with so many issues alone that they take their own life at the end of the book). The book is almost synonymous with what the teen has experienced, but they cant seek help or even say what their issue is because it is "dumb shit" So the teen decides the only appropriate thing to do to cure the issues is exactly what the character did. So the plan is made. The plan is drawn up perfectly. The i'm sorry letter is drawn up. And the attempt is made. Not for attention. Not for people to feel sorry for the teen. But because of the fear that this situation is NEVER going to get better. How could it when your own family has turned their back on you? Made you feel like an idiot for bringing up a situation that should have been announced at least 2-3 years prior. So the plan it put into action; but the teen fails.... miserably. So much in fact that the issues only become worse and are hidden even more than they were previously not only out of fear of admitting that there was once and issue but also having to admit that an attempt at taking ones own life was also a failed attempt. A vicious ongoing cycle that the teen dealt with for years, even into adulthood... How do I know about this story you may ask? I told you I only speak out of personal experience remember...

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