#august isn’t just my birthday month anymore

[gregmarriage]

me as a kid being like ‘i wanna stay home all day and do whatever i want!’ and adult me being chronically ill, disabled and bed ridden ✌🏻

[whatdoeseverybodywant]

You're the Only Girl for Me - Chapter 23

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Series Masterlist

August 22nd 2021 ~ 3 am

Airielle couldn’t sleep. Everytime she closed her eyes, all she could see was Christopher and the rage in his eyes as he spat out Josh’s name to her. He obviously knew where she was at because of the PLE, but how did he know what hotel she was staying at? And how did he get her room number? She felt hopeless and she hated feeling like that.  She jumped as Josh shifted next to her. 

“You okay?” He asked her, his voice with sleep as he cracked open an eye to look at her. After she had calmed down and all her tears had subsided, he still wouldn’t let her out of his sight. He would never admit it out loud, but hearing her screaming, crying out for help while she was in the room with Christopher scared him to death. He never ever wanted to hear her scream like that ever again. 

“Yeah, I'm okay. Just can’t sleep.”  she whispered back, drawing her knees up to her chest. 

He’s in jail now Airielle, everything is ok” Josh tried to soothe her but she shook her head, knowing that was not the case. 

“He’s not in jail. He’s in a holding cell somewhere downtown waiting to be let out once the sun is up. His dad leaves him there overnight so it’s not too suspicious or anything.” 

“This isn’t the first time he’s been arrested for this?” Airielle shook her head, keeping her eyes on the blanket.  “I thought it only happened two times.” 

“No, we met in 2009 and didn’t break up until two years ago., so..” She trailed off with a shrug. “You do the math.” 

“Airi-” 

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Can we talk about anything else.” She cut him off, finally looking up and meeting his eyes and not liking the look of pity on his face. “Please.” 

Josh sighed but nodded anyway. “Fine. did you really not get me anything for my birthday?” For the first time in hours Airielle cracked a smile. 

“Seriously?” She giggled. 

“Deadass.” He smiled back at her. And just like that, It felt like she was transports to five months ago before she ruined their relationship. Sitting in bed talking with Josh felt normal, it felt good.  

She rolled her eyes. “Yes. I got you a present, but I gave it to Trin and Jon.”  She let out a loud laugh at the way his eyes widened as he sat up in the bed. 

“You did what?! Damn Airi, that’s cold as hell.” 

“Well, you pissed me off.” She shrugged with a teasing smile on her lips. 

He scoffed and playfully rolled his eyes at her. “What was it?”  When she opened her mouth to answer he quickly interjected her. “Nah, never mind, don’t tell me.” 

“Okay, that's fine.” She said, covering her mouth as she let out a yawn. Laying down in the bed and covering her body with the blanket. “It was a trip to Turks & Caicos. Me and Trin planned it for the four of us.” She laughed again when he just gaped at her before reaching over to the night stand to grab his phone, a playful glare on his face as he put the call on speaker.

“Uce, everything ight? Is it Airielle?”  

“I’m fine Jon.” she said as she smiled softly at his concern for her. 

“Yeah she good, but I'm not.” Jon snorted,  “Give me our damn tickets.” 

Trinity laughed, causing Airielle to laugh again.  “The flight leaves in 2 hours, we’re already at the airport.” Josh hung up the phone and jumped out of the bed to start gathering his things and hers, thankfully she had started packing his stuff since she couldn’t sleep. 

“What are you doing?” Airielle asked, still giggling. 

“Call the damn Uber Airielle. We’re going on this trip.”  

Turks & Caicos

august 22nd 2021

AirielleJones

liked by: trinity_fatu, uceyjucey and 194,000 others

AirielleJones: 🤎🧸

edit: 📸 : @ UCEYJUCEY

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uceyjucey: cred?

↪AirielleJones: omg jahir needs to stop teaching you stuff ↪ user: are y'all back together? 🤞🏽 loveyara: @ user no they are not.

loveyara: ?

yasmine_jones : #1 umm, hello i like trips and #2 ole girl mad af in ur comments 😭

UCEYJUCEY added to their story

loveyara: replied to your story: this better be a old pic.

loveyara: replied to your story: who is that? i swear if this is Airielle i'm done with you!

loveyara: replied to your story: why is her feet on you?!

TRINITY_FATU added to their story!

Airielle let out a deep sigh and sunk further into the lounge chair. This was exactly what she needed. To be on the sandy beach 6 hours away for all of her problems. Well, not all of them. One of her problems was making his way back over to her with both of their drinks with a big ass smile on his face. 

It was like Josh completely forgot that they actually had beef. He was treating her as if she was his girlfriend and last time she checked, she wasn’t! 

“Here you go babygirl.” He winked and set her Rum Punch down on the tray at the end of her lounger. Airielle pushed her glasses to the top of her head and cut her eyes at him. “What?” 

“I’m not your babygirl.”

“You definitely my babygirl. That aint never gon change.”  

“Hmm.” She hummed as grabbed the sun screen, putting some on her legs. “What about Yara, what is she? What do you call her?” She finished, arching her eyebrow at him when he straddled the chair facing her and pushed her hands away from her legs. “Josh.” She whispered, watching as he massaged the lotion into her skin, his hands trailing higher and higher up her thighs. 

“I don’t call her anything.” He stated looking her directly in her eyes. “It was a mistake that I wish I could take back, Airielle. I do a lot of dumb shit when I’m hurt.” 

“Josh I didn’t mean -” 

“I know you didn’t mean to do it.” He cut her off. “You told me why you wanted to break up and I understood. You wanted to let go of the shit he did to you, but how does that shift into you going on two dates with Ray and kissing him Rih? That shit hurt Rih. I felt played and betrayed like I’ve never felt before.” 

“I’m sorry.” She whispered, scooting down the lounger, so now her thighs were rating over his. “I thought I was doing the right thing by breaking up with you. I was trying to protect myself. I- then I heard Yara and Thea talking about you and then I actually seen you and her walk into catering that day and I just figured you had moved on, so I thought I should too.” She said, still whisperering so nobody else around them could hear what they were saying. “I never meant to hurt you Joshua.” 

“There is no moving on from you Airi. I never felt like this with anyone else before.” 

“Not even Traci?” 

“Not like this.” He confirmed, cupping her jaw. “I’m in love with you Airielle.” He whispered as their lips touched. 

Josh groaned into Airielle’s mouth, bending his knees a little to grab the back of her thighs, lifting her and hooking them around his waist, as he walked them through the threshold of the villa. He gently laid her down on the bed and watched with hungry eyes as she untied her bikini top and let it fall away from her breast. 

“J, please” She whispered as he kissed down her body. She sat up on her elbows and watched as he got settled between her thighs, lifting her hips to help him take off her bottoms. She felt herself shiver as they made eye contact. 

Josh flicked his tongue out, sliding it against Airielle’s slit and she moaned letting her head and body fall back against the bed.  

He took his time with her, alternating between licking and sucking on her clit. Airielle's hands searched for something to grab, Josh reached one hand up and laced their fingers together placing them on her belly. With his other hand, he teased her entrance with his fingers. 

He pushed his index finger in “Shit” she moaned out as he added another finger, curling them. Airielle let out a loud moan as she came apart. He didn’t stop as she came, pumping his fingers into her faster. Her thighs started to shake as she felt herself about to fall apart again. She moaned, back arching off the bed, chanting his name over and over. She closed her eyes as she came again moaning as she felt herself gush on his fingers.

“Fuck” She moaned as she lay there trying to catch her breath as he started to kiss his way back up her body. 

“You love me?” He asked her, staring deep into her eyes. 

“Yes.” She nodded, “I love you Josh.” She whispered, her eyes rolling into the back of her head as he pushed himself inside of her.

Don't beat me up.. please 🙏🏼 I knowwwww Josh still needs to pay for his sins, BUT airielle needed this, she needed Intimacy

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[grace-williams-xo]

ALRIGHT. I had time to kill waiting for an appointment so I have dug through countless pages on the Julia Quinn wiki, the Bridgerton wiki and used a ss from Julia’s fb to compile the most comprehensive list of as many characters as possibles birthdays and middle names. No point in keeping it to myself let’s go.

Canon (probably) Bridgerton biographical info:

Middle names

This is the birth name of everyone I could find a middle name for. Scratching at the walls for Julia Quinn to tell us the children’s middle names (though I have headcanons)

Violet Elizabeth Ledger

Simon Arthur Henry Fitzranulph Basset

Katharine Grace Sheffield (Kathani Sharma’s middle name isn’t confirmed anywhere)

Sophia Maria Beckett

Penelope Anne Featherington

Michael Stuart Stirling

Lucy Margaret Catherine Abernathy

Gareth William St. Clair

Birthdates

This is very messy because some idk, some vary between show and book and some are inconsistent everywhere (Colin I’m looking at you)

This is the fb post in question. (Julia Quinn how dare you tell us you have all their birthday’s written down and not tell us 😭)

Edmund: 1764–1803 (was 38 at death, meaning his birthday was later in the year than May ish when he died) [EDIT: his tombstone in the show says he died in May]

Violet: 11th April 1766 (Aries)

Anthony: 17th September, 1784

Benedict: July/August, 1786

Colin: 2nd March, 1791 (books) 1792 or 1793 or 1794 (tv) [okay, so, both wiki sites say show Colin’s born 1792 or 1793 and it has broken my brain because he is canonically one year older than Daphne and in a copy of the pilot script I found online Daphne is listed as 18 (which fits with her debut) and him 19 but for him to be 19 in the social season he would’ve had to have just turned 19 (bc start of March birthday) and that would make him also born in 1994 but it is clearly not possible for Violet to birth two children in six months furthermore in s2 Benedict outright says that Colin is 21 which would have made him 20 in s1 and thus born 1792; so Colin was born in 1793 or 1792 or maybe even 1794 or inside a fucking void idk anymore but show Colin’s birthday probably isn’t March]

Daphne: August/September, 1792 (books) 1794 or 1795 (tv) [I think 1794 because she is listed as being 18 in a copy of the pilot script I found online, and she is debuting, so she would’ve been 18 turning 19 born in 1794]

Eloise: April (before 22nd) 1796

Francesca: April (before 22nd) 1797

Gregory: January/February (I think February), 1801

Hyacinth: May/June, 1803 [EDIT: Edmund’s tombstone in the show says he died in May, making Hyacinth’s birthday likely in June imo but I actually have no basis for that guess other than vibes]

Kate: 1793 (books) 1788 (tv)

Sophie: 1794

Penelope: 8th April 1796 (Aries)

Simon: 1784

Phillip: 1794

John: 1792

Michael: 1791

Lucy: 1807

Gareth: March 1797

If you made it this far, good job! If you have any info to add, please do so in the replies/reblogs.

[hannahssimblr]

Chapter Nineteen

We decide to pack up and leave the beach just a few days after the festival. Neither Claire nor I can stand to be in the mobile home anymore since Kelly’s turned it into an unlivable place. As I fold my clothes away and pack up my books I wonder how I ever stayed here, it’s pokey and old, and smells of stale cigarettes, an environment made even more unpleasant by the dark, heavy presence of another person who outwardly hates me stalking around, waiting until I leave the kitchen to go and make herself a cup of tea. We never discuss the festival, and I don’t expect her to ask about it, but I kind of did expect her to at least acknowledge us when we came home on Monday. 

Claire ran into her once on her way out to the bins, she was sitting on the steps painting her toenails, and it was just a couple of days after we’d returned so she tried to confront her, saying that she never wished her a happy birthday. 

“Oh, just fuck off, would you?” Kelly had said. “We’re not friends anymore.” So that was that. I assume the sentiment applies to me too, so I never seek her out for a chat, and I go on for days avoiding her, ignoring her with a horrible, guilty feeling in my stomach that only serves to make me feel more awful than I already do. 

We can’t think of anything worse than driving back to Tullamore with her in the car, so Claire ends up calling her dad, who comes sweeping down the country in his big black BMW to collect us. It’s nearing the butt-end of August now, and the slow wind down of the summer makes me melancholic. The evenings are slowly drawing in again, and the leaves on the trees have lost their brilliant, luminous green of June. Everything is starting to look rustier, burnt around the edges, and I know that in a month the air will be cold again, and yellow leaves will rustle through the village. Bigger, angrier waves will crash against the shore in place of the peaceful, sparkling waters that I see now on the horizon. I stand on the deck on my last evening at the mobile and look out over the beach, knowing that I might never see this beach in autumn. I might never come back here again, eat ice cream from the surf shack, swim in the balmy, green water. 

Barry, Claire’s dad, who always wears suit trousers even as casual dress, gives her a big hug when he arrives, his gleaming, cosmopolitan car looking out of place pulled up onto the grass outside the Healy’s fusty mobile. “How was your summer, love?” He asks her in his booming, business man voice. 

“Oh it was grand.” She says. “I’ll tell you all about it later.” She stands back and beams at him. She loves her father, and they’re alike too. The same nose, eyes, and dirty blonde hair, even though hers has been dyed platinum for years now. I watch them as I sit on the steps biting my nails. He would do absolutely anything for her. Everybody would, she’s just one of those perfect girls. 

“How did you get on in Menorca?” She asks him then, and I listen to them talk about her father’s luxurious trip to the Baleriacs for about three seconds before I get antsy and start hauling our bags into his boot. I know Kelly isn’t going to come outside and try to talk to us or anything, but at this point even being in proximity to her is making me anxious. I don’t want to be here anymore. I want this trip to be over, and I want to go home. 

After we’ve finally piled into the car, we pull away from the mobile. I keep watching the blinds to see if they twitch, some sign that Kelly is watching us, or that she cares at all that we’re leaving without a goodbye, but there’s no sign of life. I think I’d prefer a fight to a freeze-out. This just feels unfinished. 

As we cruise up the narrow coastal roads we pass a road sign with a big smiling sun on it that’s saying goodbye in five languages. I glance out the back window and look back at the beach, the flip-flopped army zipping back and forth over the footpaths, enjoying their last days here and acting like they won’t be propelled back into the grey banality of their September to May lives within mere days, acting like they don’t have any dread inside them at all, but I know they do. They must. It can’t be only me. 

I slump back on the leather seat as soon as the village is out of sight and stare out the window ahead to the vast expanse of motorway in front of us. Claire and her dad are so busy talking that I know they won’t turn around and see me, so I let my defences down for a second, and a tear brims over and spills down my cheek. I still haven’t felt much of anything but a dull, aching sadness ever since we rolled up our tents and left the campground, and all I can do is keep replaying my conversation with Jude over and over in my head, remembering all the nice things he said to me, and then I can’t help but remember the hard things too, but everything makes me sad. I don’t really sleep well, and I don’t feel hungry enough to eat that much. My week has consisted of just this: moping around in my room and periodically crying into my pillow. I haven’t gone for a swim once. 

I haven’t heard a word from him since I last saw him, nor have I tried to text him, because I don’t know what to say. Maybe he doesn’t want goodbyes, maybe he just wants to disappear and I should give him the space to do that. I’m convinced he has more important people to spend time with, with the clock  running out and the date approaching so quickly. It’s Thursday now. He flies out next Wednesday. The 25th. 

I quietly scold myself for acting stupidly. You can’t be upset about losing a person that you never had. He was never mine to lose, I should be driving away from my holidays thinking about how much I enjoyed all the things I did, the people I met, and have a huge, dopey smile on my face, wishing him well with the rest of his life, but I can’t do that. My insides feel twisted and rotten, my chest tight and my eyes are stinging with tears. 

We get back to Tullamore after two and a half hours, and by then I just feel like a husk. I’ve thought about Jude so much that I’m tired of thinking, like my brain has been doing strenuous pushups for ages, or like there’s an elastic band inside it that’s worn loose and saggy. Claire’s dad is really nice and brings me right up to my front door, and then takes all my bags out of the boot. I thank him and compose a smile on my face so I can wave goodbye to my friend. 

“I’ll see you next week, won’t I?” she calls out the window. “Are you coming to the hotel at Shane’s debs and get some photos with me?”

I nod, not really understanding why people want to do things like stand outside a hotel awkwardly while their friends go to the debs. It sounds boring, but I’ll do it for Claire, and then probably think about how I’m not going to any debs at all and feel somehow worse about myself than I already do. 

“And then induction in school on Friday.” She says, holding finger guns to her temple and pulling the imaginary trigger.

“Yeah, can’t wait for that.” I drawl. 

Her dad starts the car and she blows me a quick kiss. “Okay, see you soon babe!” 

They pull away from the footpath and I gather up my bags and bring them up the path towards my house. There’s so many. I don’t remember leaving this same house with this amount of stuff, but I can’t even think of what I bought.

My mam opens the door before I can, and she stands there with a look of delight on her face. The house smells like apple crumble, which I’d usually run and stuff my face with, but today the idea of that makes my stomach turn. I come inside and she gives me a huge, warm hug. “Welcome home, Evie! We missed you so much.”

“I missed you too.”

 “Tell me, how was your summer with the girls?”

I try to tell her that it was good, and that we had lots of fun and went swimming all the time, and that the weather was so fine! We even went to a music festival for Claire’s birthday and I heard so many new bands, and actually, I think I might save up and buy an iPod Touch, but of course, I can’t say any of that. I open my mouth and unleash a rack of sobs instead, dropping all my bags onto the floor with a loud thud. She makes a concerned sound, but doesn’t ask, she just rocks me in her arms and lets me cry it out like an infant for a full half an hour, the door swinging open behind me. 

Prev // Next

[bejeweled-wahlberg]

Random ass fact that no one should fucking care about

Tw: Mentions of miscarriage and divorce

Donnie and Delilah met when they were either 15 or 14 in 1985 but didn’t started daiting and getting married until 2009(Btw KOTNB and My fan fic It happend in 1989 are NOT in the same universe just a reminder) anyways around 1989 Delilah started daiting Jordan in which It made Donnie Jealous, but Donnie at that time was also daiting Edalyn (Now Jordan’s Wife) but he still didn’t have feelings for Edalyn cause he still had feelings with delilah but delilah was too busy with her relationship with Jordan but in 1992 of October delilah got pregnant with Jordan’s Baby but in November 24th While she was still helping with queen for the freddie Mercury tribute delilah had a miscarriage with her unborn baby that she was having with Jordan, the reason? She fell while giving the equipment to the Queen members and the only one who knew that she was having a miscarriage was Roger and he called the hospital and helped delilah and when Delilah told Jordan that she lost the baby they broke up and Jordan was already having an Affair with his Then Girlfriend and Now Ex-Wife Evelyn and that same day Donnie founded out that Edalyn(his then fiancéhaving an Affair with Joey (Mcintyre) and they broke off their engagement right afrer

Now it’s 2009

Donnie still had feelings for delilah while he was still married to his Ex-wife at the time and Delilah going through a divorce with Her Ex-Husband and former member of Nsync Chris Kirkpatrick and went through another miscarriage delilah Was all alone now once again until that’s when on August 18th Sunsets death was shown on the news and that’s when Delilah got a call from Donnie saying he needs help raising Michael and sunsets Kids his Ex wife couldn’t help him and decided to divorce him in which Delilah was already at Donnie’s house and saw No Xavier No Elijah and No Kim it was just 3 year old Summer, 1 and a half year old Michaela and new born Henry hart (formerly Royal Michael Jackson) delilah said to Donnie that she still had feelings for Donnie and Donnie revealed that he did too and delilah said that she will definitely help him raise Michael and Sunsets kids in which now Delilah and Donnie isn’t Aunt Delilah and Uncle Donnie anymore they’re now Mom and Dad

In December of 2009 Right after Donnie’s divorce Delilah and Donnie Got married on December 31st 2009 in which 3 year old summer was the flower girl with 1 year old Michaela and 4 month old Henry Hart

So I guess that’s the timeline of Donnie and Delilah?!

Now here’s some songs that relates to their history of their relationship and might aswell make a fucking playlist for y’all Donlilah Shippers :3

1985: first met: song: Are You Down

1989:Daiting: Delilah starts daiting jordan and Donnie starts daiting Edalyn: Song: This Love-Stolen Version and Tim McGraw

1992: Lost and Cheated: Delilah’s Miscarriage and Donnie And Edalyn’s Called Off Engagement: Bigger than the Whole Sky and Better than Revenge-Stolen Version

2009: Reunion: 2 in the Morning

December 2009: Wedding: This Love Taylor’s Version and You are in love Taylor’s Version

2024: Wedding anniversary: A Love Like this Bridge and don’t embarrass me motherfucker

Welp that’s it hope you enjoy this monstrosity now next week get ready for the 3 birthday bash :3

[bionicdogs]

time for a brief moment of late night vulnerability:

i find it pretty cruel that angel came into our family as a birthday present for me and she died the day after my birthday. now granted, we didn’t actually get her on my birthday. she was born in january and came home in march, the product of an oops litter where my mom’s coworker didn’t realize her male was old enough to breed (yeah…). i was too young for her to really be my dog anyway.

it stings. it feels like my birthday is always going to be overshadowed now by her loss. august 21st is still weird for me, and this year will be three years since biscuit died.

i miss her. so, so much. i haven’t been able to vacuum her hair out of my truck from her vet visit where we learned she was bleeding internally and made the decision to let her go that same day. her nose prints are still on my windows. her soft toys and tennis balls are still safely tucked away where the boys can’t get them (we took them out for her every day when the boys got put up). her hair is still in the vacuum. the day after she died i went and got step stones to put over her grave, and got enough to redo biscuit’s at the same time to match. the stones haven’t started to sink yet, though i know they will and mounded the dirt the stones to account for that. i ordered her actual gravestone today. black granite, it will have her photo engraved in it.

we leave for a beach camping trip at the end of the month, our third time going. they have an excellent dog beach there. angel was supposed to go. she had a brand new harness and collar just to play in the water. she wore the harness once, and only wore the collar the day she died.

booker’s separation anxiety has skyrocketed. he’s destroyed a few household things which is something he’s never done before, even as a puppy. i don’t think he understands why angel isn’t home.

i haven’t been able to sleep. i fall asleep around 2 am because i’m not tired and i wake up again at 6:30, a full 30 minutes before my alarm. i’m not tired throughout the day; i don’t nap. there was a storm a couple days after she died, and i couldn’t sleep then because she hated storms and she was out there all alone.

i’m so glad i made that instagram account for booker. it pushed me take pictures and videos of everything. i have 222 pictures of biscuit on my phone, starting in 2017 to when he died in 2020. from 2017 to 2023 of angel, i have 1,419 pictures and videos. I got into proper photography because i had so few pictures of biscuit, and i wanted more than that for angel. i’m so glad i did. i’ve never been much of a picture taking person. it always felt awkward at best and rude at worst. i don’t care anymore. moments are fleeting but these pictures will last very long time and i intend to treasure them for years to come.

god i miss her. i miss her smell and her oh so soft fur. i wonder if the birds and the squirrels will notice they will no longer have her loose fur from being brushed to build their nests with. no one ever talks about the little things. booker is eating her food because it was dumped into a secondary container and couldn’t be donated. he’s eating out of her elevated feeder because it’s part of our dog feeding and watering setup and can’t just go away. he’s still confused about it. for almost three years he wasn’t allowed to eat out of that bowl, and he doesn’t understand why he can now.

i trim the boys’ nails and i think about how angel would be so happy i’m not doing her next. there’s nearly a full bottle of her ear cleaner in the bathroom. i bought a force dryer to make it easier to dry her after baths and swimming and only got to use it on her once. i have a slicker brush and comb that i used on her that i can’t use on the boys, their fur is too short. what of her boots, her lick sleeve, her leash. what do i do with her xanax. booker can take her other meds, he takes them anyway, but the xanax? do i just let it rot in the dog medicine organizer? take it to a pharmacist? eventually her food container will be empty, what do i do with it then? it has her name written on it.

[m0e-ru]

art summaries from this year and the last !! 21-22 !!

and here's some more commentary for 2022 because i will be more annoying this year

January - not a lot happening. i was asking for art reqs and NO ONE had ideas

February - MOEL SEKIYU TUMBLR BRANCH TOHRU ADACHI BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION?

March - 3/20 YEAH WAHOOO YEAAAH

April - lots of messing around this month. my merch came in the mail though !!!

May - PXDN ERA but i answered the teddie in a dress ask from like. two months prior

June - * didnt post this anyway i was messing around with csp. i really like the marker

July - * DIDNT POST THIS EITHER but one idol's stage costume looked like sho colors. it was funny in the moment

August - * DIDNT FUCKING POST THIS EITHER I HAVE NO IDEA anyway i just think theyre very important

September - * HOW MANY BIG PIECES HAVE I NOT BEEN POSTING HERE WHAT THE FUCK WHERE DO I EVEN SHARE THEM ANYWAY MAKING THIS WAS REALLY SAD CHIZUSAN WAS RETIRING AND DELETED HER SOCIALS ohh right my mimbot

October - I was trying out watercolors (the brush) and MARIE HALLOWEEN 2022 !!!

November - pocky day :] except it's jagariko

December - new year's art !! ive been wanting to draw blorbo to sogabe's new year art from the manga so here it is !!! sorry for no christmas holiday art

and here’s the love letter ive been meaning to write all the way back in august. it’s a bit personal but also vague . I am speaking from a soapbox next to a quiet intersection and pouring my heart out

im happy to see how ive improved throughout the years, and in some aspects stayed completely the same apparently. ve been jumping around 1000 brushes and 10000 more art styles ive never stayed consistent because I wanted something new and all I had was myself ! so apparently it became whatever happened here.

It’s true I had a lot more steam last year when it came to pumping art out but I think im also glad I did less art this year in a way. I’ll admit a lot of last year was fueled by chasing people and a way to reach the top and get my voice heard I felt like I was fighting for my life but im not too sure how it looked like from the outside. It’s also been fueled by spite which made me incredibly tired and something im glad I stopped utilizing this year. That I learned my boundaries and maintained them as peacefully as I am now.

Sure im a lot more tired but I think the pace im taking is a bit better in it’s own way too. I really wish I could’ve done more this year but when I look at it from afar I guess im still chasing things, too. Maybe not something new and I never really aimed for fame or anything. Maybe I just wanted to keep what I already have?

2021 I’ll confess was also a pile of shit and I guess 2022 was the year of my digging it all away and I’m not done yet. But as long as there’s progress that’s good enough for me. I’m glad I’ve been able to do all these things than not do them at all. But sometimes I wish I could relearn the restraint I had from before.

I never wanted to put a dark stain on the things I love so as long as I ground myself and remind myself why im here I can see the light and remember why I love theses things. I’m speaking in a very vague manner and I am relating this to my time in fandom as cheesy as it sounds, but also personally, I guess.

Imagine it like im talking on a soapbox right now when I say im really glad for the time I’ve spent here—while all of it isn’t the best that could’ve happened and the fault of my own shortcomings—I still treasure it. I love all the people I’ve met and the community I’ve formed and I guess there’s this fear of losing things since I’m afraid I can’t get them back, that I haven’t learned how to even connect better anymore. I really dont want this to sound like someone died lol but I really am genuinely grateful for all the time ive spent with people and how they considered me their friend and how theyre my friend and how they just moved on to other things and im stuck in a box ive put myself in that makes it so hard to be heard I stopped talking anyway.

To those who met me this year, or last year, or the year before that, or knew me before this gas station, and still are here somehow: thank you. For your kindness, for your tags, for your asks, for your replies, for your messages, for your discords, for your writing, for your art and for everything you’ve offered me. I always mean my gratitude from the bottom of my heart and I want to stop being afraid that it doesn’t show.

If this year brings more “Mim” then so be it. I’m happy you find joy in the silly nickname and all the love behind it no matter how silly it is. And even if I drift away or we all drift apart, I treasure every memory and sometimes cry over it at night. I wish 2023 would be nice to all of us and the years after.

[xaospoiesis]

Year 29 

this is a projet I started about experiencing the last year of my twenties, trying to cope with it I suppose. I had it go up to my 30th birthday (then started a new one for the first year of my thirties because I'll only be thirty once). It's a bit long, almost a year after all, but here goes, I guess. I tried to keep it the way I wrote it in the first place (up to the little explicative text in the beginning that I wrote when I started it)

(Writing a line a day about my feelings until I turn 30, yeah I’m late (April 27th) bc I just thought about it fuck it), I will forget days so it won’t be like a full year but doing each day without missing would be inauthentic wouldn’t it?

2023

April.  

2704 - 29 years old, 1 month, 7 days and I still cannot fathom that I’m alive. 

2804 - I could run through a wall and it would have a hole shaped like me, that’s how insane I feel today.  

2904 - I feel incapable of doing anything and that is a problem because I have many things to do.

May.

0405 - forgot this existed, wish I forgot I existed too. 

0505 - I feel nothing good yet nothing bad, it’s not nothing at all yet but it’s close. 

0705 - technically I am a mermaid. no I shall not elaborate. 

0805 - I want to do the things I am supposed to, but I cannot bring myself to do them, so I am here, eternally in limbo, eternally distressed by my own lack of movement.

0905 - sometimes, being alive right here, right now surprises me, not in a good way, just in a way. Earlier today, I felt real, that’s gone now. I’m floating again. 

1005 - I am sleepier than ever yet I cannot go to sleep at night, ironic. 

1105 - it irritates me that I need something to regulate my life so I can just function, why can’t I just free rein it without crashing and burning? 

1205 - I can’t tell the passing of time so it feels like i’ve been unsure of my feelings for days and forcing my thoughts out when I’m not sure I have any. 

1305 - I am overwhelmed by life, by the people in it, by my incapacity to cope with it all and most of all by the crushing weight of existing in a capitalistic society. 

1405 - I am stressed out and hating it.

1505 - I am trying (or maybe I am not) and I am so not succeeding. 

1605 - I forget sometimes, that it isn’t about win or lose when it comes to mental health issues. It’s a matter of compromise, of fluctuations, of resilience too. 

1705 - I do not know, things are stable and stable is scary sometimes.

1805 - I think I caught a cold and I’ve done some work but I feel it isn’t quite enough.

2105 - I’m not sure anything is happening but things should be happening right now. 

2505 - In moments of quiet, there are no words, no movement and that’s it. Almost peaceful I’d say. 

June.

1406 - There’s a disconnect between me and reality, and now, and here, and I’m not sure I want to write anymore.

1606 - time just seems to not move anymore. 

1806 - it’s okay, it’s all chill. 

2106 - ripped the skin off my finger by accident and this is honestly (insert saying about being at your limit).

2506 - I don’t know, I just feel sour. Annoyed. Annoying. 

2906 - feelings are fluctuating and yet nothing is actually felt. 

July.

0507 - I was well and then I wasn’t, just like that, feelings hit me like a freight train and I want to cry, I’m not sure why. 

1007 - so for a while I felt that maybe there was no point writing anymore, I don’t know if I’m out of it yet but hey, doesn’t matter. 

1107 - there it is, the weight in my chest I don’t have a name for, that I have to feel and can never explain or else it isn’t real.

1807 - I tell myself “this too shall pass” but this has not once passed, years of it, maybe born with it, dull, incomprehensible sadness.

2107 - again the feeling that I won’t last very long in this life. 

2307 - I sort of don’t see the point of talking anymore, responding, giving opinions, existing loudly. 

2907 - it feels insignificant, to live, to move, to laugh. 

August.

0408 - one of my most repetitive thoughts is “and I’m sad again”, often after days and weeks of the same exact state of mind.

0708 - I’m just sad about being a little sister whose big brother doesn’t feel like one, and it isn’t his fault nor is it mine, life just happened that way, but I hate that I can’t call someone older and confide in them and trust them. 

1008 - the loneliness is godawful sometime, but familiar, a daily occurrence, something regular. 

1208 - what a strange yet gripping feeling, the one of knowing that the end is nearer than one would expect.

1308 - there’s just such a slowness in summer, and it isn’t enjoyable, I wish I was doing something because I feel like I should, not because I want to. 

1808 - I’m kind of baffled that I have to hide about 85 to 90% of myself from people who call themselves my family. 

2208 - I tell myself to be happy so often, yet can never obey, it’s a weird, weird life this one. 

2708 - the thing with being so alert all the time, is that I forget that sometimes nothing is going on, sometimes, it is okay to not be worried.

September.

0109 - it is absolutely unfathomable that this is the last year of my twenties. And what have I done with them? Not much. I’m scared. 

0509 - it’s too hot to even think coherently.

0609 - my whole soul is shaky, with sadness, with unshed tears and maybe the anxiety is trying to choke me down, I don’t know.

1309 - and all I want is to quiet down into oblivion so that I can’t say something stupid.

1409 - I grasp at air, hoping it’ll be meaning that I’ll catch instead, for life and all the things a person has to go through that can make them a person, and maybe when I do, I can stop fretting.

1809 - yes, everyone has their own things, but I do feel like others’ things seem to be heavier, more important than mine and sometimes, it hurts just a little.

2509 - I don’t know about wanting to share my writing anymore, if I want to or what it makes me feel, I don’t know anything at all.

2709 - I know my body is here, real, but the rest of me, the invisible, is floating, rooted nowhere and it isn’t nausea I feel, not in my body at least, it’s my soul that’s nauseous and I don’t know how to explain it in any other way.

October.

0310 - I spent all day internally screaming at myself to get my assignment done, and yet I don’t move. 

0510 - perhaps I should stop thinking about death this much, but I have no control over those thoughts, they present, then impose themselves and then, swift as the wind, they leave me but their shadows remain. 

0710 - I just remembered one of the times I had to talk myself down from a panic attack and it kind of sucked, because I had to be the calm and the panic all at once. 

0910 - It’s one of these days where the energy outside of my body is as tainted with absolute chaos as my inside, and I realize I find some sort of joy in it.

1510 - this is a week that makes me look at some people with disgust and fear, because the cruelty of their words and their beliefs is beyond my comprehension.

2210 - there’s this feeling sitting in my chest and I think it’s anxiety and it just won’t pass, yet my brain knows it shouldn’t be here.

2410 - today’s a good day, I think, am I terrified still? Yes. Is it as overwhelming as usual? No, it’s a good day. 

November.

0611 - isn’t strange? The rot I feel in my veins from existing in this moment and having no way to do anything about it.

1211 - I feel fairly gloom today, had a small reprieve last night, and now we’re back on schedule I suppose. 

1411 - it’s weird to be so aware of my disconnect to reality,  not all of reality, mostly my direct surrounding reality, but still, as aware as I am, I still am widely unable to reconnect to it, even if I painfully need to, want to even. 

1711 - I don’t know, I don’t know if it’s the cold I caught or the existential dread that’s making my chest tighten today

2011 - felt like my eyes were too heavy for my head today and there was no way to alleviate it.

2411 - they’re giving Palestinians in Gaza four days of truce and acting like it’s an act of mercy after 48 days of genocide, I can’t fucking comprehend it.

2511 - I hate that the idea of going to class on Monday squeezes the life out of my chest and makes me want to drown.

2611 - I don’t feel alive today, not dead either, just in between two negative states.

2811 - I have this feeling I’m going to crash and burn because I’ve left all the things I need to do to the last minute.

2911 - it is ridiculously easy to distract me from important and pressing matters, I fear myself when I cannot prioritize, important matters can’t seem to be of importance for me.

December.

0512 - the sky is depression grey now, which only announces weeks of my thoughts fist fighting one another.

0612 - I have the irrepressible rage in my chest yelling a little loud today.

1012 - day to day life has been mind numbing, the past four days have been a blur, I am tired. 

1512 - the sun is setting and the sky is a pink hue, for just a few minutes, all is well, all is beautiful, I wish it was always this way. 

1612 - there’s simply such ease in being quieter, less pain there.

1812 - it is kind of funny that I am more invested in socially isolating myself than other more important things, and it’s not even fully intentional. 

2512 - it’s Christmas, I feel nothing at all, the world is on fire, nothing makes sense.

2024

January.

0201 - so I forgot I existed and I could write for a short while, and I can’t seem to want to do a thing.

0601 - I am tired but today I am not worried, it’s a tired that solely rests in my flesh, that doesn’t creep into my mind. 

1501 - time is passing and I don’t perceive it, all I feel is this dullness in my chest.

1801 - I just want a little bit of peace, I’ve abandoned the idea of grandeur. 

2301 - I just feel gloom, and yes I do feel that a lot, it’s true, I guess being alive these past few days, weeks even, feels a little harder. 

2401 - I do not care, or I can’t bring myself to do so, not sure. 

2601 - I do not know what I feel, but it is something shaking, something unsettled, something screaming. 

2701 - and so I feel like I am not acting truly like myself, or that who I am is someone I do not like.

2801 - at some point today I was worried, it isn’t the case anymore, and I can’t recall where the weight on my chest was coming from.  

2901 - sometimes hearing mind numbing nonsense doesn’t feel worth it, I guess that’s what it’s like to simply be alive these days. 

February.

0302 - I wish I was just done with it, whatever it is I have sitting in my chest right now. 

0502 - I’m not rushing to reconnect with my intellect because there’s nothing to grasp, I feel a little stupid.

0702 - I still feel disconnected from everything and maybe I am partially sabotaging myself.

0902 - Last night was so confusing, because I wanted to jump out of my skin and couldn’t figure out why, and today none of that is left, nothing is felt at all, actually. 

1202 - everything is so overwhelming right now, change is everywhere and I simply struggle to adjust to it all. 

1502 - I think maybe I’m feeling under stimulated and it’s a little too hard to stay anchored because of it. 

1802 - I do a whole lot of nothing in a day and end up exhausted and unable to think straight. 

2102 - less than a month before the end of this, what a strange thing. 

2402 - I cried today because my uncle is dead but I can’t pinpoint the exact reason, I was just sad I suppose.

2602 - I’m overwhelmed and hopeless about it, I wish I could just not give up but giving up is easier. 

2802 - I am honestly not seeing the end of this semester, but I also know that it’s just the stress making my vision tunnel.

2902 - It is quite funny that the shortest month of the year feels like the longest.

March. 

0103 - Just because I want it, doesn’t mean all will be well and that’s a bit tragic. 

0803 - Life’s a blur and I think the amount of stress I’m under is definitely messing with my system.

0903 - my stomach, my heart, something fell in my chest and reached the bottom of my feet and I can’t pick it up. 

1103 - this is going to sound ridiculous, but I just want to genuinely laugh and smile, just be happy.  I want to be happy.

1503 - I wish I was just shamelessly myself, but I don’t know how to be that. 

1803 - there really isn’t any reprieve to the big feelings, they shake me, decide for me, act for me.

2003 - so this is thirty. 

[mayday-and-daydreams]

( Day Twelve )

{ Written On June 17, 2022 and August 5, 2023 / Posted on November 11, 2023 - 1:54 AM }

[ Nemo’s Headphones: Bottom Of The Deep Blue Sea - MISSIO ]

-

(Taken from FutureMe Letters I sent to myself)

June 17, 2022

Dear Future Me,

Happy 19th birthday! I sent you a letter on our 18th but since that’s only 2 months away I figured not much would actually change.

But YOU must be different.

It’s fine if you aren’t, but I’m kind of hoping things in our life have changed a little bit.

Do we have a job? Are we happy there or is everything terrible?

College. How is it? Where are we going? Tell me about it!

And home. Did we ever move out and find our own home, or did we become happy where we are?

I’m really hoping my future holds something truly worthwhile, because where I am now isn’t where I want to be.

I hope things are okay for you.

There is so much I could say here about how I feel now but, you already know all those things, don’t you?

Anyway, happy birthday.

I hope you can tell me about it someday.

Or rather, I hope I can look back on this moment, and know I’d be happy about it.

Best wishes,

Your past self.

-

August 5, 2023

Dear Past Me,

I know you say you’d be happy about where I am now, regardless of where it is, but I wonder if that’s really true.

I wish there was some way I could send YOU a message, to warn you of what comes next, prepare you for it…but there isn’t.

I am different now. But not that different. Not in the ways I wish I was.

And yet…I think I am happy. Nothings perfect.

Those issues with walking I know you’ve had for a bit will get worse, but eventually everyone will believe they’re there.

Eventually you will be going to doctors who will try and figure out what causes the pain and try and figure out how to stop it.

Unfortunately that means getting a job has been a little harder, since I can’t really…stand much anymore.

But I did start college. I’m going to a community college not far from our house. I met some good friends there, and some not so good ones.

Maybe next time I’ll trust my intuition before I befriend someone.

But one thing we have in common is that we both like to assume the best of people, so I don’t think I will.

I like my classes, even if I’m not really going with the goal of transferring. I’m just going so I have a reason to get up every morning.

I’ve only been able to do one semester so far, though, I had to drop out of last semester due to health issues. Hard to get to class when it hurts to walk.

It’s hard.

Hard to want to keep moving.

It wasn’t this bad when you wrote your letter, but I have to wonder, how did you do it?

I wish I could ask.

Lend me some of your strength, if you could, so I can see this through.

It’s all you would’ve wanted.

It’s all I want.

I’m still living at home, but our friends have a plan to move out and live together when we have steady jobs and enough money, hopefully within the next year or so.

So there is some hope.

I’m trying. I’m trying as hard as I can, but some things in life require a strength I can’t find within myself yet.

But I am trying. And I think that counts for something.

And yes, I do remember how you were feeling when you wrote this. I don’t remember specifics, but I remember. I know.

And I’m sorry.

But I’m here writing to you now. And that’s undeniable proof you got through it.

I just wish I could show you how far we’ve come.

Yknow, maybe I was wrong.

I think you would be happy about where I am now.

Because I am here.

And I’m still going.

Happy Birthday to you too. I’m sorry it’s a day late.

But you deserve to celebrate how far you’ve come too.

[discoerot1ca]

you watch him go from the label bisexual to lesbian. he comes out to his mom for the first time, and you are so proud. she is kind but says they shouldn't tell his father.

it was the holidays, december and the floor of my father’s apartment. he’d asked for a break over text before the flight. it was in those days, you know? rabbit and carmilla and skype, distance distance distance, videos of him singing to me. I can’t remember how it all went- I think break for a week and then broken up near christmas. lying on an air mattress, scrolling through break-up poetry on instagram, not knowing what else to do, not having anyone to tell. when you have your first heartbreak, I think your mom is supposed to hold you. she chalks it up to teen depression and the sad state of your father living on his own, four months in and still no more furniture than what she helped him move in with.

two weeks later and you’re tentatively back together. text text text all day, imagine he was sitting next to you in french class. he enlists a friend of yours to get you flowers for valentines day; you’ve done the same with his friend and a bear. he sings so beautifully for you, comes out to visit in april and your sister takes some of the most romantic photos of you, stolen moments when your parents aren’t looking. he makes lemon chicken, and you’ll be ordering it the rest of your life and it’ll never taste right, not like his. you tell your cousin together. you take a video, hoodies and guitar and your cat. he leaves. you move houses, tell him you’re excited for him to visit the new one. and your father lives under the same roof again, and his father is still homophobic, makes him change his hair after he cuts it the way he really wants it, even though it made him so happy for a full twelve hours. you have the pictures to compare, happy gushing boy next to disappointed styled-wrong frown.

on your birthday, you go out to lunch with your mother. eldest daughter eldest daughter, sit across the table from her as she lists off all the reasons your sister isn’t really gay. it’s been nearly three years since she came out.

you fly out to see him. june in his state is so brutal. he dresses up for you, makeup and high heels, that green dress. later you won’t remember anything from this trip. you’re so in love with him, stay up together to see the sunrise because you’re trying to stretch out that last day before you go home. he kisses you so many times as he’s getting ready, as he’s leaving for summer school. we had a lot of airport goodbyes, but that one was quiet morning hours, staying behind in his room.

sit here with me, for a moment. (I hope the world is quiet around you for this.) he has a red carpet and a keyboard with a bench. there’s a ceiling fan above his bed. if I close my eyes in a dark room at night, I can still hear the exact noise it makes. there’s a balcony. sit on his bed with me and look out over it. feel it in your body his steps down the stairs, out to the sidewalk, into the car, through the gate, turn right, past “Out of the Closet” (our favorite thrift store), highway highway highway to the school where we met. sit with me in his room on a grey morning. hide the notes between book pages, look at the puzzle you only half-finished together on the floor, run your fingers over the guitar strings, lie on your back and trace the same shapes in the air he liked to make with his fingers. grieve the absence for an hour. then she comes to pick you up and you fly home. this was the last day you’ll ever be in a room with him again.

july is an ugly cry. august is a sore throat. your mother watches beaches with you and you’re just upset after, sit in your own room, and she comes in and you can’t really explain it. she asks if this is about him and you say yes. you say you’re not friends anymore. she has that look on her face. I don’t have to describe it here. she tries to be sympathetic anyways.

it’s years of this. you don’t get to tell her. you squirrel her words away to hunch over later, throw it up in the bathroom with the cereal. your sister has to deal with it out in the open alone, and you feel bad but too afraid to not keep a hand on your mother’s skirt. when you do tell your parents, a month and a half before you’ll make your escape off to college, it’s awkward. you’ve never felt more wrong in your life. it’s obvious you are not playing the role right, this is the wrong script to be reading from, this is not the child they were supposed to have, this is not the way you were supposed to love. you went to prom with a boy to make her happy, because you knew this was coming. no one hates you and there is no shouting. there is wincing, disappointment. she asks about him. you finally tell the truth. years later she will still be dismissing it.

( - something about the way you only exist in my life now as a story to tell others. something about how I’ll be telling it again and again and again so many different ways and to no one more than myself. something about your hand taking mine for the last time and how much I lost when you let go.)

your therapist tells you that you must feel your feelings, no matter what they might be. it is August. your heart feels like an overstretched water balloon. but you can't articulate that properly, so instead you say, i don't know what i feel i just feel bad. he is out of reach, out of sight, but not out of mind. oh yes, he's been plaguing your thoughts ever since that day in the park where you almost walked hand in hand. you sat in the parking lot with slushies, almost touching knees together. those almosts are everything to you. they're a stinging reminder of what could have been.

you wake up ten months later and tell him you love him. he said i love you first. well. technically, you did when you confessed, but he said it back immediately. last night he said it first. often, he does, often as a whisper in person. he cannot see this blog. between you and i, then, he's doubtful whether he can experience love. who are you? i know who i am, i'm you from the future, aren't i?

except, one thing that we both forgot. your stubbornness. everyone tells you not to chase what you love. to let it come to you. and all the while, you collect things about love your family says, things your friends say, and bring them to your nest and shake them upside down. what is love supposed to look like? you tell the hotlines yeah, i don't really have a healthy model for that in my life but also i'm trying to create it.

if your friends were physically here, there would be a boy coming between you. childish turn of phrase, really, but the most honest phrase i can conjure up. you lie to your aunt and say that the bruises on your leg are from school, that you took a nasty spill down the concrete steps. you don't want to bother explaining the intricacies of kink to her. august to june, more imprints on your heart than there used to be. but you laugh and shrug and say, yeah, auntie, i'm done with him for real, i promise. the truth is you don't want to complain about him to her anymore. when the long text arrives, saying actually it isn't over, you resist the urge to let a smile fall off your face. you dodge your cousins' well-meaning attempts to play breakup songs for you in the car. they don't want your heart to ache.

your friend from last summer sends you a video asking to catch up sometime. he says he misses you. you miss your friend too. without their encouragement, you'd never have met M under the stars, thinking M was L. this friend is one of the few who understands what it is like to have multiple people in one body, although that stage of life is over for him. it doesn't have to be complicated unless you want it to be, though. your friend has a gentle heart beneath the tough-as-nails exterior. their dog jumps on them and covers their face in sloppy kisses.

--i don't normally ask for people's opinion on the way i love. i think it's my business. but there's something so intimate about an outside perspective, a chance for someone to love the way i love. no one can convince me that the way i love is wrong.

[im-the-afterglow]

The year started off with rejection. An ache in my heart all too familiar to me. A boy with kind eyes I kissed when I was drunk. I became too much, as I do, and he slowly backed off until we just didn’t talk anymore. But still was at the top of my story views.

February I got bold. Tried online dating. Followed public accounts on Instagram. Went on a long car ride with a man who made me send him a picture of myself first, I suppose so he could decide whether or not I was too fat to be seen with. I agonized over what to wear. Opted for my standard Covid era uniform, black leggings, black hoodie, Vans. He told me I didn’t look punk rock. Half a year later he texted me “NSA?” and sent many unsolicited dick pics.

March, still full of heartache, longing, really started shedding some of the Covid weight gain. Got around a number on the scale and held onto it straight for the next 8 months. Because I drink too much. And when I drink too much I eat like shit. Self sabotage.

April I got out for a weekend and felt alive. I laughed and was surrounded by people and I might have gotten a glimpse into happiness. But faced stark realization the day after that it was not mine to hold.

May I got in an airplane and flew out to NYC.

June I drove home and quietly celebrated a birthday.

July the depression hit hard. Found it hard to get out of bed a lot of the time. Cancelled plans. Cried. Cried. Cried.

Don’t ask me about August, or September. I simply survived.

In October I learned that I had been lied to for the better part of the year. Had a lot to process. A big slap in the face. A new way to feel sad about my loneliness, about being unwanted, about not being made for anybody.

And the depression and the depression and the depression.

Lies to my psychiatrist but I haven’t been taking my medicine. And maybe that’s why I’m so sad. I forget to pick it up and then the time frame lapses and then I just continue being sad. Sad. Sad.

And now I have completed a full 12+ months in an apartment. And I still don’t have friends. And I still don’t have company. And no one has been to visit.

And I cry and I cry and I cry. And I get unfollowed and it hurts my feelings. Ha. And I wonder why I wasn’t made like everyone else. And I wonder why I am so fucking unloveable. And I wonder why no one ever wants me wants me wants me. No one ever wants me.

January and a new year. Another year. Can this one please be better? I’m afraid I won’t make it to the next one if it isn’t.

[cassiopeiaemiliagaunt]

Home is a Person | S.H.

Pairing: Steve Harrington x Reader

Summary: Steve catches you in a lie and you’re forced to tell the truth about your home life. However, you did not expect the confessions that followed.

Word count: 1.5k

Warnings: quite angsty, reader has absent parents + an absent brother, hurt/comfort, Steve is a good, gentle friend, angst with a happy ending, lot’s of cursing oops Also, this fic doesn’t have any gendered pronouns towards reader, so it can be read as a GN!reader :))

Author’s note: Did I just write a Christmas fic in the middle of summer? Perhaps. Also, this is my first time writing for Steve so feedback is much appreciated! 

Disclaimer: GIF isn’t mine :))

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“Y/n? What are you doing here? Didn’t you say you had plans with your parents?” Steve’s voice is loud enough to be heard through the headphones connected to your Walkman. You look up at where he’s standing in front of your table, not sure how you are going to bullshit yourself out of this one.

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It’s 10 p.m. on Christmas and you’re sitting all alone at a diner at the edge of town - the only diner that is open on the holiday. As you have been doing for the last few years. Molly, the nice older woman who always works this shift, has placed your favorite milkshake next to you on the table. “On the house,” she’d insist, as she did every year. In a weird fucked up way, it has become the closest thing to a Christmas tradition you could imagine.

A few nights ago, you and your friends – consisting of Steve, Eddie, Nancy and Robin – hung out, enjoying a movie night. After, Nancy had asked what everyone’s plans were for Christmas and after hearing everyone’s plans to do stuff with their family, you lied and said you’d spend the day with your parents.

Truth is, you haven’t seen them since August. They’re in England now, you think. Or was it New York? You can’t keep track anymore. Ever since you were the ripe age of 14, they started leaving you alone more and more. It started out as a few days at a time. It gradually changed to a few weeks and when you were 15 they fucked off to god knows where for a few months, consequently missing your birthday.

You would say you’re used to it. To the big house and the dark backyard. The silence that rung at night. The loneliness. But you could never get used to it. The sadness of being left alone, of not being cared about by your family, clung to you like a small dagger plunged into your heart. And you were unable to pull it out.

It had all started when your brother left. He was seven years older, but you loved him. And you were under the impression that he loved you, too. Maybe he did. But he didn’t love you enough to stick around. Once he was 18 he left and never turned back. He occasionally called. A quick call to let you know he was still alive. He never called more than five minutes, though.

Then, only a few years later, your parents started to pull away from you as well and the wound your brother made only enlarged. It was then you decided you didn’t need anyone. You carefully built walls around you and you were even cautious around your closest friends, not letting them know the situation with your parents.

So, you told them you would spend Christmas Day with your parents, having a nice meal together and other normal family stuff. You knew that if you told them the truth, you’d certainly get an invite to all of their Christmases, but you didn’t want some pity invite. You weren’t ready for them to know that sad side of you yet, weren’t ready to part from your independence.

And yet, you knew deep down you hadn’t fooled Steve. Every time you told a white lie about your parents - usually because people asked about them - you could see a suspicion forming in Steve’s eyes. He could see how you would get uncomfortable about the topic and as he lived quite close to you, he never saw a car in your driveway, with the exception of yours.

Maybe he noticed because his relationship with his parents is similar. His father was away often, but you knew Steve preferred it. You could tell he and his father didn’t get along from the way he talked about him and how he’d be more on edge during the periods of time his father was home. His mother was home more often and you had the impression they got along pretty okay. He had also said he’d be spending Christmas with her.

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“Oh, hey, Steve! What are you doing here?” you ask him awkwardly, completely ignoring his question about your parents, hoping he’d drop it.

“I could ask you the same thing, Y/n. Are you here with your parents?“ he asked again. It was obvious the table was only occupied by you. There was only one plate of - now eaten - food and only one milkshake.

“I-, um-,” you clear your throat, “well, um no actually.” You start biting your lips, a clear sign that you were getting uncomfortable with the topic.

Steve sighs. “Can I sit here?” he asks you, gesturing to the seat opposite you. You can only nod. Steve settles down and considers you. The silence that envelops the both of you gets more awkward with the second

“Why don’t you just tell me – us, your friends – what’s really going on?“ he asks finally.

You look down at your hands, not knowing what to answer. He’s onto you and you don’t know what to do next.

“Nothing’s going on, Steve, I don’t know what you’re talk-“ you start eventually.

“That’s a crapload of shit and you know it, Y/n,” he interrupts you harshly. This whole conversation was beginning to trigger your fight or flight response and it seems like your brain has decided to fight.

“Why do you care, huh? It’s my life and it’s none of your fucking business! I really don’t see why you decided to come in here and bother me about it!” you know it’s unfair of you, you know he has the best of intentions, but you feel like you’re being driven into a corner and it makes you lash out.

“I care because I care about you!” Steve matches your energy, clearly not wanting to let it go.

“Why, huh? Why do you?” you ask him, harshly.

“Because I like you, Y/n! I like you so fucking much! Fuck, I-, you’re so amazing and yet you close yourself off and you don’t let any of us help you and we really want to, okay? I want to!” Steve exclaims.   

It seems your brain has now decided it’s time to flight.

“I, I gotta go, I’m sorry,” you say, grabbing your stuff. You leave a couple of bills for Molly and practically run out of the diner, ignoring Steve as he yells your name.

You make it outside to your car before you start crying. You’re searching for your keys in your bag, but your eyes are blurry, your bare hands are cold and the sky is black. A sob rakes through your body before you can stop it.

You hear footsteps approaching you and you don’t have to turn around to know who it is. You’re gently being pulled into muscled arms, holding you close, keeping you warm.

“Hey, it’s alright, you can let it out,” he comforts you gently.

You wriggle out of his grip and face him with your tear stained face. “I need you to leave, okay? Because that’s what you’ll do eventually! It’s what everyone does! My fucking brother left! And now my parents! And I cannot go through that again! So I need you to leave now because if you don’t, you’ll make me fall in love with you even more and then you’ll go and I’ll be left behind again,” you yell in his face.

A look of understanding dawns on his face and you realize you just told him about your parents, about your deepest hurt and that you love him.

“Hey, Y/n, I’m not going to leave you, ‘kay? I love you and I have since the second Robin introduced me to you and I can’t imagine ever leaving you,” he tells you, calmly. Like it’s nothing. Like it’s obvious. Like it’s not exactly everything you ever yearned for.

You can’t do more than just nod, not really sure what to do with yourself. “Can I hug you now?” he asks, smiling gently. You nod again, tears still streaming down your face. He wraps his arms around you and holds you tight, whispering I love you in your ear.

You pull your head back from his chest to look him in the eyes and only see the same love you feel. The loneliness still clings to you, but it’s less strong.

His gaze drops to your lips and flicks back up to your eyes. He leans closer, eyes flickering between lips and eyes, quietly asking for permission. You nod and it’s all he needs before he attaches your lips. It feels like coming home and fireworks and cozy movie nights and so much more. It’s more than a kiss, it’s a promise. 

When you break away, Steve holds your cold face between his cold hands and smiles. “Let’s get you home, okay? It’s freezing cold outside.”

You feel more at home in his arms  than you ever did in that big, empty house. Maybe your home is Steve. Maybe you are home. But you let him guide you to his car, knowing you’ll always be home when you’re with him.

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A/N: That’s it! Let me know what you think about it ;))

[heejojo]

Love Isn't Beautiful But With You It Was

✰ summary: y/n and niki's journey from being enemies to friends to much more than that.

✰ pairing: Niki x fem!reader (and a Jay apperance)

✰ genre: fluff, angst, enemies to childhood friends to lovers

✰ warning: a few sad scenes but I'm not sure they'll be too bad! death

✰ word count: 1.8k (the most so far tbh)

a/n: this is my first fanfic so please leave comments about what should be improved. if you have any requests feel free to leave them! it's past 12am now and I need to sleep but I hope you have a nice day!

prompt gotten from @moonlight-chi77 thank you!

“Love isn’t beautiful but with you it was”

Life disappears in the blink of an eye, but the memories created and the human connection formed does not. The memories created are embedded in our hearts and follow us through different paths of life. Whether those memories are good or bad, they become something we reflect on in later moments.

Nishimura Riki couldn’t exactly remember the first time he met you but all he knew was that he had never hit off with someone the way he did with you.

September 2012

Although Niki couldn't pinpoint the exact date you guys started talking, he knew it was in September of 2012. He knew at first he disliked you and wanted nothing to do with you because you had stolen his spot on the swings.

“That's my spot, I told Jay I was going to stay here forever,” he said while his friend who was behind him nodded enthusiastically, backing him up.

“Your name is not on it and you didn’t buy it so why should I leave?” you asked him without coming down because you got there fair and square.

“I called dibs on it,” he said while puffing out his chest.

“Dibs are for babies,” you say while continuing to swing. “I’m not a baby,” he retorts.

“If you say so, then why are you wearing a Talking Tom T-Shirt?” you ask and his face begins to turn red. “It's cool, isn't it Jay?” he nudges his friend asking him for support. “Cool man, girls just suck” Jay responds and they both leave. “At least I dress myself!” you yell at their retreating figures

After that day, Niki made it his mission to disturb you every day and never wore his Talking Tom shirt again after that day.

August 2016

“Niki!!” you screamed as you felt another water balloon hit your leg. At this point, your entire body was soaked. The young boy continued to laugh and run as you chased him. You were beginning to regret spending your summer break with him when you could be watching TV instead. Eventually, you give up chasing the blond-haired boy and go into the house to dry off. Thirty minutes later, Niki comes in with a bottle of orange juice as a form of apology. You snatch it without further thought and drink it. Looking up at him after you finish drinking it, you both burst into a fit of laughter. “You’re lucky I love food,” you say. Maybe spending the summer with him wouldn't be so bad.

December 2018

Your crush on Niki was painfully obvious to everyone but him. Your friends teased you, his friends teased you yet when you were together you denied it with so much vigour. Niki had liked you for a few months now. Everyone was enjoying the slow burn that was going on between the two of you; the soft glances across the room, the way you always looked for each other among crowds, the way he knew where your secret birthmark was even though your close friends didn’t.

It was the way you complimented each other that made everyone cringe and aw at the same time. The jacket you got him for his birthday was his most prized piece of clothing and the only person he let touch it was his mum. This year though, you gathered enough courage and told him how he meant to you and how you were content with being just friends even if it hurt a little. But you weren’t expecting Niki to say he felt the same way, even more so. Your friends heaved a sigh of relief and choruses of ‘Finally’ were echoed.

It felt good being with someone.

January 2019

Everyone argued with people they loved right? Your parents did, the old lady that sells fruit and her boyfriend did so you and Niki weren’t an exception. After being childhood friends for so long you’d think you could trust each other enough to talk about the things that bothered you but he refused to, claiming that he didn’t want you to see him in a different light and how it would hurt his pride. You would tell him that no one knew him more and cared about him the way you did. At times, you’d let it go not wanting to push him but that day you couldn’t take it.

“We need to talk. Why have you been avoiding me these past few days?” you asked him.

“I’ve just been busy” he replied.

“No, you’ve been avoiding me. I know you well enough to know when you're hiding something” you said.

He wouldn't budge, he never did especially when you cornered him like this. He started to get irritated and said, “I said I’ve been busy so forgive me if I can’t give you attention all the time. Not all of us are as clingy as you” You winced; it was your fault for pushing him to the edge like that. Nevertheless, you wouldn't give up. “ I just want you to say how you feel and what bothers you. I’d never look at you in a different light and you know that. You might want to be strong but it’s okay to show some sort of emotion, it doesn’t make you weak rather it makes you look like someone that acknowledges what is wrong and doesn’t try to ignore the problem or solve it on their own” you comforted him. As the words entered his ears, you could see the walls surrounding his heart crumbling. “It’s okay to ask for help or just to rant to someone. Even if we won’t be able to provide an immediate solution, it should help” you added taking a few steps forward and grabbing a hold of his hands. You squeezed them tightly.

“I...I’m just scared you’ll leave once you see the not so perfect side of me” he managed to say. “I will stay with you, why don’t we make the best of everything without worrying about the future?” you asked while smiling. He returned it and pulled you in for a hug. “Thank you, truly,” he said and you smiled under his embrace.

After a few minutes you spoke up, “Oh yeah, Niki?” you called his attention and he hummed in response. “Don’t ever shout at me like that again, I can deck you and you know it” you said.

“Got it, boss. Sorry for being a jerk”

June 2020

You usually went on diets and exercised a lot but you were losing weight at an extreme rate and you weren’t even on a diet. Niki was worried but you brushed it off telling him it was stress from school but it got worse. You found it difficult for you to balance yourself, you felt nauseated, getting even more frequent headaches and being tired all the time so Niki decided that enough was enough and took you to the hospital. Neither of you had expected the result of the scans that were run.

“I’m sorry but there is a tumour in your brain,” the doctor said. The air left your lungs. “You can choose to get the surgery and live in the hospital for 8 months or live with the tumour for 3 months” he continued. You thanked him and left the hospital. The elephant in the room was very much alive and neither one of you wanted to address it. Did you want to stay in the hospital for the rest of your life or did you want to say with your loved ones? You thought that they would go through and that won’t be worth it.

“Niki” you called out.

He looked at you with a sad smile and just pulled you in for a hug, careful not to hurt you. “Do you want to tell your parents?” You nodded. You couldn’t just leave without saying anything. Picking your jacket, Niki drove you to your parents house.

“I just wanted you guys to know, I couldn’t just leave without saying anything,” you said with your eyes cast downwards. You couldn’t bear to look at your mom who was already crying or your dad who was blaming himself even when it wasn’t his fault or your sister who was basically your best friend. Niki had given you guys privacy but you knew it was just an excuse for him to be with his own feelings.

“I’m going to stay close to home in the meantime so I can be closer to you guys,” you said. Your eyes were already becoming glossy with tears. You inched towards your mom, taking her hand in yours and said, “You did an amazing job of being my mom and I love you so much”. Moving to your dad, you said “You did a good job of protecting me so don’t think otherwise. Let’s make all the memories we want to now without any regrets”. At that, your sister burst into tears “I… I can’t bear to lose you” Your heart clenched. “I can’t bear to lose you too” She continued crying. Your mom wiped her eyes and said, “From today, live the way you want to. Eat what you want and do what you want.” From the corner of my eye, I saw Niki staring watching the whole scene. After an hour, I stood up and went home with Niki. The car ride was a long and awkward one. When we got home, we just slept hugging each other.

Starting tomorrow I was going to live.

July 2020

The pain is getting worse but the smiles on my family and friends faces are enough to keep me going. I wrote letters and got gifts for them. Niki looks at the calendar every day, I can’t tell him to stop because I can tell he’s hurting so much. Why can’t I just be okay for everyone?

August 2020

The time comes faster, Niki and I went on a getaway for a few days. He deserved a break from everything that has been going on.

September 2020

I never thought I'd die as silly as that sounds. I asked my parents and sister to leave when I got to the hospital. Niki refused to leave and stayed there till I took in my last breath. He kept crying begging me not to go and how he’d do anything.

“Does it hurt a lot?” he asked between sniffles

“No it doesn’t, it just feels like a needle” it hurt like a truck.

“Liar”

I chuckled and held his hand till I couldn’t anymore. “I love you’’ I say as the lights fade.

╔═*.·:·.✧ ✦ ✧.·:·.*═╗

Dear Nishimura Riki,

When you see this, it means I’m already gone. First of all, don’t beat yourself up too much. I could write for ages about how much I love you but now that I need to, my mind goes blank. You’ve done so well for putting up with me, hats off to you. You might not want to but move on, even though id like you to remember me; let your heart heal and be happy.

Take care of yourself and don’t skip any meals. Eat well and be happy, make sure you visit the places we never got to visit and enjoy yourself. Live life the way you want it every day. Be nice to people and smile more.

Thank you for all the happy memories, my love, I’ll be forever grateful for you. You made my life colourful and worth living.

Love isn’t beautiful but with you it was.

Yours truly,

Y/N.

[waitimcomingtoo]

In Case You Don’t Live Forever

~chapter ten rewritten~

Pairing: Peter Parker x Venom!Reader

Synopsis: you are Peters greatest love and Spider-Man’s greatest enemy

Series Masterlist

Instead of lying in bed and crying all night, you decided to go out as a venom. You checked the hallway through the peephole in your door before leaving your apartment.

Once you stepped off the elevator, you kept your eyes glued to the floor in case Peter left his apartment as well. Since you weren’t looking up, you ended up smacking into the back of some guy.

“Sorry.” You muttered, still adverting your eyes.

“It’s all good.” He answered. You knew that voice. He turned around and your face lit up.

“Andy!” You exclaimed. You wrapped your arms around his neck and he pulled you into a tight hug. You lifted your legs off the floor and squeezed him as hard as you could. You really needed a hug.

“Hey you.” He laughed, pleasantly surprised that you were happy to see him. “How’s it going?”

“Uh, it’s going.” You faked a smile, not sure what else to tell him. “What are you doing here?”

“Well you’ve been so busy lately that we barely talk.” He said, a little harshly. “I figured I’d come down and surprise you.”

“Really? That’s so nice of you. Thanks for coming.” You squeezed his arm gently and he gave you a bright smile. It was weird. It didn’t affect you like it used to. A gesture like this from Andy would usually keep you up for weeks wondering if it meant he wanted to get back together. He could usually pull you in with the slightest hint of wanting you back. This time, you didn’t feel the pull.

“You alright? Your eyes are glassy.” Andy asked after a few more moments of staring.

“Yeah. Just a fight with my boyfriend. You know how it is.” You shrugged and wiped your eyes with the backs of your hands. You had briefly forgotten about Peter and your fight.

“Right.” Andy said flatly. “I forgot you were seeing someone.”

“This is somebody else.” You clarified. “And he’s my ex-boyfriend actually. We just broke up.”

You bit the inside of your cheek, regretting what you had said. Why would you tell him that? Yeah, you were mad at Peter, but you weren’t going to be mad forever.

“Oh really?” Andy perked up. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“You know, I would really appreciate that.” You answered honestly. “Come on. I’ll show you my apartment.”

You lead Andy back up to your apartment to talk. You knew he wasn’t the right person to air your grievances with, but he was all you had right now. MJ wasn’t answering her phone and you really needed to talk.

You thankfully didn’t see Peter in the hallway as you unlocked your front door and let Andy in. Little did you know, Peter was out on patrol, looking for you.

“So what brings you to New York?” You asked as you got yourself a glass of water. Surely he had other reasons than just visiting you.

“I’ve missed it here. I missed the city, the shops, and you know…you.” Andy said sheepishly. You felt your heart twinge a little at his words. He missed you. And embarrassingly enough, you hadn’t missed him. Not since Peter started taking up all your time, anyway.

“I missed you too.” You lied through a smile.

“No we didn’t.” Venom said telepathically. You shushed her and kept your eyes on Andy.

“So, have you finished up shop here? Can I expect you back in San Francisco soon?” Andy asked as he looked around your apartment. He noticed a lot of framed pictures of you and a certain brown eyed boy.

“Just about.” You answered. “But I’m not sure if I’m ready to head back just yet. I kinda like it here. I’ve set down roots.”

By roots, you meant Peter. You were irrevocably in love with Peter Parker and you wanted to stay in New York to be with him. The longer Andy stayed, the more you wished to talk to Peter and fix things. You didn’t have to go to your flight the next day. You could just go to his apartment and forget your fight ever happened.

“Are you gonna come back for the wedding?” Andy pulled you from your thoughts as he dragged his finger over a picture of you kissing Peters cheek at his graduation. You heard a hint of sadness in his voice, and maybe a little annoyance.

“When is it again?” You asked. All plans about the wedding completely slipped your mind since coming to New York. It was almost funny, this conversation felt so foreign to you. Andy, San Francisco, the wedding. It wasn’t your life anymore.

This was. Peter was.

“August 10th.” Andy reminded you, a little bitter with his tone.

“Shoot. That’s Peters birthday.” You said apologetically.

“Is Peter the one you just broke up with?” Andy almost scoffed.

“Yeah, but like, not forever.” You laughed awkwardly. “I still love him.”

“Who is Peter anyway?” Andy asked abruptly, folding his arms in disdain. “

“Peter is the best.” You gushed, picking up a photo of you and him lying on his bed and blowing some dust off the top. “He’s my neighbor across the hall. I don’t know. We just fell all the way in love. He really understood me and I really understood him. And he makes me want to be a better me. He challenges me, but not in a pushy way, you know?”

“I know.” Andy said quietly, keeping his eyes on you.

“Yeah. He keeps me on my knees.” You shrugged until your face turned a deep red. “I mean toes. He keeps me on my toes.”

Andy’s jaw tightened when you corrected yourself.

“Sounds nice.” Andy said through gritted teeth. He was seething with jealousy and it was evident.

“It is nice. Or, it was. I need to talk to him and fix things. I love that boy with everything.” You said, mostly to yourself. Andy still heard it.

“What about me? Do you still love me?” Andy came up to you suddenly and put one hand on your cheek and the other on your hip. You were surprised by his question, and even more surprised by his actions.

“I had to stop loving you the moment you broke up with me over a job.” You practically scoffed as you moved his hands off of you.

“You’re still upset about that? Come on, Y/n, that was a million years ago.” He whispered, brushing hair away from your forehead. You stubbornly reached up and pushed the hair back in place.

“Yeah, I am.” You said, feeling slightly annoyed. “We were together for two years and then we didn’t speak for six months. So yeah, I’m still a little upset.”

“Why?” He asked idiotically.

“Why?” You raised an eyebrow as you took a step back from him.

“Yea, why?” He shrugged.

“I’m upset because I needed you.” You raised your voice. “I needed you and you weren’t there. You lost me and your job on the same day and I swear, losing the job hurt you more. And while I was begging for jobs and crying myself to sleep, you were off with some other girl, giving her the same ring you said you’d give me.”

This time, you didn’t feel tears coming to your eyes. You only felt pure rage as all the things you wanted to say to Andy for the past year came tumbling out.

“I proposed to her because I loved her. I loved you too.” He defended, getting angry himself.

“You didn’t love me!” You half laughed. “You just wanted to be needed by me. You wanted to keep me small so I’d content at your side the rest of my life.”

“That’s not true.” He scoffed, only increasing your anger.

“It’s not? Then how come you never cared about my work? I never saw you reading my articles or watching my show. You have always been threatened by my success because you knew it exceeded yours.”

“Alright. Maybe I was a little jealous.” He shrugged dismissively. “You were younger than me and had already accomplished more than I had. And you know what? That didn’t sit right with me. I should’ve been the one calling the shots, not you. Am I not allowed to want to feel like a man?”

“You think you’re some kind of man?” You laughed sharply. “You’re just a coward who runs when things get hard. I mean, look at you. Here you are, yelling at your ex girlfriend for making you feel like less of a man. But you know what, Andy? I do not have to apologize for making you feel inferior.”

“Okay, fine. I was out of line.” He admitted. “But don’t tell me you haven’t thought about us getting back together. I know how badly you wanted me back when I first broke up with you.”

“Oh, Andy.” You sighed as you put a hand on his cheek. He smiled at you and wrapped his hand around your wrist, leaning into your touch. You dropped your smile suddenly and pulled your hand away, lowering your voice to deliver the punchline. “That was a million years ago.”

He stepped back when you threw his words back at him.

“I can’t believe you’re still hung up on this.” He shook his head mockingly at you. “It wasn’t that big of a deal. What was I supposed to do? You cost me my job so it cost you our relationship. I’m trying to fix that now. Isn’t that enough?”


“I know what enough looks like.” You took a step towards him and pointed to yourself. “You and your condescension are not it.”

“Y/n, baby, hear me out.” Andy pleaded. He swiftly pulled you into a kiss. You pushed him off and wiped your mouth in the back of your hand.

“You can’t do that. You cannot just kiss me whenever you want. And what about Dani?” You scolded him. Your heart broke for her. She didn’t deserve such an unfaithful man. He looked at you with sad eyes.

“You moving to New York made me realize how much I needed to see you everyday. I broke up with Dani when I realized I couldn’t live without you.” He admitted. “The wedding is off. It’s you that I want Y/n, not her. It’s always been you. You can’t tell me you didn’t feel anything when we kissed. Just try again and you’ll see.”

He tried to pull you into for another kiss but Venom came out and snapped at him like a dog, coming dangerously close to his face with her razor sharp teeth. Andy backed away immediately. Venom slinked back towards you and rested on your shoulder, staring Andy down.

“Back up.” Venom growled and Andy obeyed.

“You can’t just kiss me and think everything will be okay. This isn’t some romance movie. This is real life. I’m not going to be the girl who mopes around until the boy who broke her heart comes running back with flowers and a ring. I’m going to be the girl that picks herself back up and kicks his ass out the door. You need to leave. I mean it.” You pointed to the door. Your hand was perfectly still. You had stood your ground and it felt good. Andy nodded solemnly and walked to your door.

“I’m sorry. If it’s worth anything at all, I’m sorry.” He said honestly, giving you one last look.

As soon as Andy opened the door, Peter knocked him out with one punch. You gasped in shock as Andy fell to the floor. You didn’t even realize Peter was in the hallway. You and Peter looked at Andy’s unconscious body and then up at each other. Without saying a word, you rushed towards each other and pulled each other into a passionate kiss.

“I heard every word. I’m so sorry that I doubted you. I love you and I just want to keep you safe.” Peter said against your lips.

“I love you too.” You smiled. “I’m sorry I keep running away when things get hard. I promise, I’ll never run again. You have my word. I’m yours, Peter Parker. Until the earth starts to crumble and the heavens roll away.”

Only, that didn’t happen. None of it happened. No matter how much you wanted it to. Andy opened the door and left, leaving you alone in your apartment. You watched as he shut the door, shivering a little at the sound. You didn’t cry when he eft. No, you smiled. A big happy smile. Damn it felt good to move on.

“Thanks babe.” You stroked Venom on her head. “You really had my back. I love you.”

“We love you too but you’re a hypocrite.” Venom answered, making you look at her in confusion.

“What? No I’m not.” You defended.

“You told Andy that he ran away when things got hard.” Venom reminded you. “Is that not what you did to Peter?”

You felt embarrassed at your double standards.

“This is different.” You muttered.

“You’re right. It is different. The difference is you loved Andy but you’re in love with Peter. You have to fight for the people you love. You can’t just walk away.” Venom said, suddenly in a calming and understanding tone.

“Why not? It’s easier.” You said weakly.

“That was before you met us. Now, you have backup.” Venom said and nuzzled into your cheek. You wiped your tears and nuzzled her back. You two were quiet for a moment as she silently comforted you.

“Now go talk to him or we’ll eat your kidney.” Venom said suddenly. You felt your heart stop.

“You wouldn’t.” You said, daringly. You were a little scared she actually would.

You felt a sharp pain in your side that knocked you to your knees. You clutched your stomach as you doubled over in pain

“Did you just eat my kidney?!” You screamed.

“We like to follow through.” Venom said simply.

“Venom!” You exclaimed.

“We’re kidding. We just bit it. Relax. But we will do it for real if you don’t talk to Peter.” Venom argued.

“So I have to talk to Peter or you’ll eat my kidney? Does that sound like a fair ultimatum?” You sassed.”

“Yes. It sounds very fair to us.” Venom replied.

“But Peter didn’t tell us who he really was.” You grumbled. Even you thought it sounded dumb at that point.

“And we didn’t tell Peter who we really were.” Venom reminded you.

“It’s different.” You protested. “He wasn’t hiding the fact that he can turn into an alien with razor sharp claws and teeth.”

“Might I imbue you with some alien knowledge?” Venom asked.

“Please do.” You said sarcastically.

“Peter is a good guy. He had good intentions, Y/n. And we thrive off killing men with bad intentions. So if you apply that to PEMDAS, you can conceivably see that we belong with Peter.” Venom stated. You let out a short laugh. She was making sense…kind of.

“He may be a good guy, but we’re not.” You said, a little sadly. “How many times did he tell us we can’t eat people? He will never accept us the way we are. Why should I ever bother trying to fix things?”

“Because you love him.” Venom answered.

“I do.” You sighed as the picture Andy was touching caught your eye. “I love him enough to let him go.”

“Let him go?”

“Yes.” You made your decision. “There are a million reasons why he and I can’t be together and only one reason why we should. Just because I love him, doesn’t mean I can have him. I’m getting on that plane tomorrow, and you’re not stopping me.”

Meanwhile, Peter had stepped into an elevator with a man who looked incredible familiar on his way back to your floor. He had swung around the city to clear his head and now he was ready to talk to you. The man in the elevator looked visible upset and distraught, and Peter noticed no buttons had been pressed. That meant the man was just riding in the elevator with no place to go. Peter awkwardly stepped forward and pressed the key for the fourth floor. The man noticed it and smirked.

“You going to Y/n’s?” He asked with a wicked look in his eyes. Peter looked at the man in astonishment.

“Yeah. Actually. How’d you know?” Peter asked the stranger. The man looked like he had an idea brewing behind his dark brown eyes.

“I just got back from there. You’re Peter right?” The man asked. Peter was shocked again. He was almost positive he had never met the man.

“Yea. I am.” Peter said wearily. How did this guy know you?

“I’m Andy. Y/n’s ex-boyfriend.” Andy replied with a cocky smirk as he dropped the bomb on Peter. Peters heart fell. Why was he at Y/n’s apartment? Why was he in New York at all?

“Oh, you’re Andy? The guy that broke Y/n’s heart after belittling her for two years?” Peter asked in an innocent tone. He knew what he was doing and Andy seemed to sense it.

“Yea. That’s me.” Andy muttered, no longer feeling cocky. Peter smirked as they rode in silence for a moment.

“What brings you to New York? Y/n told me you moved to San Francisco.” Peter said, desperately wanting to know why Andy was anywhere near you. Peter knew you had forgiven Andy and befriended him, but that didn’t stop him from holding a vendetta against the guy. He broke your heart and he didn’t deserve to ever be in your presence.

“I came to visit her. She’s coming back to San Francisco soon but I missed her too much to wait.” Andy said, attempting to psych Peter out again. They both wanted you and didn’t want the other to have you.

“Right. For the wedding.” Peter said sharply.

“Oh, the weddings off. I actually came here to win Y/n back. And it went pretty well if I do say so myself. But she’s still coming back to San Francisco. Just not for the wedding. She’s moving back to be with me.” Andy lied. Peters heart completely stopped this time. His blood boiled in his body and he looked at Andy with a deadly glare, only just noticing the lipstick, your lipstick, on his lips. So it was true. He had kissed you and now you were moving back to San Francisco, thousands of miles away. Peter felt like there was no air left in the world. He couldn’t see straight at the thought of another man kissing, touching, loving his girl. Andy smirked at Peters reaction. Before Peter could say anything, the elevator doors opened. Peter got out and looked back at Andy with sad eyes. Andy gave him a wicked wave as the doors closed.

Peter slowly turned and walked back to his apartment. He looked at your door and felt tempted to knock. Even though you were the cause of his sadness, you were also the only one he wanted to comfort him. Peter decided against it and went inside. He could hear the sound of you packing your bags, the zippers of your suitcase clinking every now and then. Peter laid in bed with tears rolling down his face, desperately thinking of a way to win you back.

[lambourngb]

bad personal news under the cut and why I’m not really here anymore:

My dad just spent 6 days in the hospital after a collapse that required EMS. The cancer drug that said we could get 8 months from ... isn’t working, and with his cancer type, blood loss is the main COD basically. There’s no taking it out. Radiation only lasted for a month or so. The doctors are urging end-of-life care... of course, my dad isn’t ready to die, so he argued his oncologist into doing a different chemo regime. Her only suggestion was a drug that buys 5 months of time... for 20 percent of the people taking it.

Obviously, that’s 80 percent that see no clinical benefit from it.

Best case, we’re talking August, September. If we’re very lucky.

I know it’s dumb, but I thought, maybe RNM will be back by then. Maybe the next season of Nancy Drew will be ready and I can see Nancy/Ace again. I’m looking for the tiniest treats for me. I am already in search of coping mechanisms for fall and winter. Fuck thinking about Christmas.

ETA: 4/19/2022 - my horse came up lame. Vet says he needs to be retired. There goes one of the few things that comforts me. Obviously I still have him, he’s just a pasture pet now.

ETA: 5/12/2022 - so RNM was canceled. So I get to lose my dad and my show in the same year. Fuck.

ETA : 5/25/2022 - we stopped treatment. Doctor says he has a few weeks left. Hoping we get to his birthday. Really hoping we get a few months if we don’t have chemo sapping his strength…

ETA : 7/17/2022 - dad is still hanging in there. He sleeps a lot but manages to wake up for the Braves every night. This remains incredibly hard.

ETA 8/01/2022 - still hanging on, he’s not ready for hospice but getting enough calories into him remains a fight. home health care aide is new but thankfully good at least. tentatively scheduling myself for two more 7 day trips this month, unless something changes.

ETA: 9/20/2022 - starting home hospice tomorrow after spending a week in the hospital. Might have a few weeks left. I don’t think he’s going to live to see the MLB playoffs.

Eta; 9/22/2022 - we never made it home. He passed away tonight.

[fatefulfaerie]

A Precious Find

A Happy August Birthday to @v1ser1on! I hope you like it! 

It seemed like just a few months ago.

It was a sorry excuse for Link’s forgetfulness, but it was true. The fact that an entire year had passed since the two reunited in Hyrule field was something Link hadn’t even considered until Beedle said it, Link’s mouth gaping and his face looking as if all the blood had been drained from it.

“Crazy that it’s been whole year since the castle was all cursed, huh?”

Yes, it was crazy. It was beyond crazy that Link and his love had enjoyed an entire year of peace, real, true peace. It seemed like a lifetime and a couple weeks all at once.

“Why, all my life the castle has been off limits.” Beedle didn’t seem to notice that Link was gazing into the distance, panic slowly rising near his ribcage. Link wasn’t sure if the pinging panic originated from his heart or his lungs. “Now it’s a treasure trove of riches that has boosted the economy full-throttle.”

Anniversary.

Their first anniversary and Link had to be across the land at the Rito stable. He came here to visit with the Rito elder, to go through the new trade routes and treaties that the former princess had laid out for him, herself absolutely having to stay behind and study the growth of a new variant of flora she had named after her father.

Did she know when she sent Link off that their anniversary was approaching, that in a few days time it would have been a year since they met lips and reacquainted breaths? Was she heartbroken?

“Beedle.”

It wasn’t until Link suddenly said the name of the traveling merchant that Link realized Beedle had kept talking. About what, Link had no idea. He almost felt guilty, but the deed was done.

“What do you have for sale today?”

Beedle’s expression changed to pure joy, pulling out his portable shelf and laying on top of it a few different items, some rushrooms, a few dead lizards, and a bundle of bomb arrows. Link pursed his lips and worry struck his heart like a bolt of lightning.

“Do you have anything more…” Link wasn’t sure how to word it without wearing his heart on his sleeve. “Precious?”

His relationship with the former princess of Hyrule was no secret, but he wasn’t ready to show the world how red his cheeks could get when thinking about her, wasn’t ready to be teased about something so important to him. He tried his best to keep his stoic stance, as if he were buying a standard bundle of arrows and not looking for something that was even a small fraction of her beauty.

“I do! As a matter of fact,” Beedle said, Link breathing a sigh of relief as Beedle took away the first three items and began to rummage into the depths of his pack. However, the first thing erased Link’s hope completely. It pulsed with red veins and Link was fairly certain that it was one of the five Lynel guts that Link had sold him over a year ago. Beedle placed it down on his portable shelf as if it were the rarest crystal. Although she might have taken some delight in researching it, he remembering her dissecting one not a month ago. It was nothing new and nothing special.

“Hard to find these anymore,” Beedle said, attempting to make the sale. “There haven’t been any Lynels in this land ever since the castle was accessible but you’ll find that these guts are a valuable commodity not only in brewing potent potions but also in exotic recipes. Why, I hear that the Gerudo even—”

“Beedle, I hate to interrupt you again, but when I said precious, I…”

Link hesitated. He leaned in closer.

“I kind of meant something one might give to a young lady,” Link said quietly. 

Something that might impress a former princess, who once had access to the finest jewels and all the guardian parts she could have ever wanted.

“Oh!” Beedle exclaimed, putting the Lynel guts away and this time really looking in his gargantuan pack. “I had no idea!”

Half of his body was in the bag by the time he finally said “Aha!”. 

“I didn’t think I would ever sell this,” Beedle said as he pulled out a necklace with a gold chain that eventually looped around a very small charm, a unique gem that Link had never before encountered. The sunset-pink hue matched no rupee, no ore, only matching the pastel shade of her cheeks when Link made her blush. Link’s fingertips grazed the jewel gently, marveling at how it caught the light.

“Unfortunately the apocalypse isn’t the best market for jewels,” Beedle explained. “People want to sell them, not buy them. When resources are scarce, a necklace just doesn’t measure up to a loaf of bread or a bundle of arrows. Perhaps selling this means that people have started to live again.”

“How much?” Link said weakly, the thought of giving it to his beloved overwhelming his otherwise serious nature.

“Three thousand,” Beedle said, Link looking up quickly with what Beedle thought was shock at such a high, high price. “I’m sorry but even diamonds are less rare than the rose quartz. My bet is that they were mined dry a long time ago. Someone like me finding it was just a streak of luck.”

Link shook his head.

“No, no,” he said. “There’s no need to apologize. The price is more than reasonable, I…I have enough rupees, it…it’s just so perfect.”

Beedle’s smile was more genuine than Link had ever seen it, although it did grow when Link handed him the rupees.

“What’s her name?” Beedle asked, handing over the precious necklace, that shimmered in the sunlight.

Link blushed at the thought, and the name he spoke in that moment was the one of the young lady that he rushed to afterwards, racing to the nearest shrine and hurrying back home to Hateno.

“Zelda.”