#authentic friendship

[csuitebitches]

On Being Socially Accepted / Well Liked

Human beings are sociable animals. No matter the degree of sociability, there’s a part of us that wants to be loved, nurtured and accepted by those around us.

I didn’t want to make a guide of how one should be likeable, because if you think a little - from all the people you like, do you like them for the same reason? Not necessarily. You may like one friend for their humour; another for being a solid person thick and thin; a third for their extroverted personality… we’re all different and should be!

Now, you may have certain qualities that you want in all your relationships, regardless of the person. For instance, I’m very adamant about transparency and loyalty. Loyalty to me doesn’t mean standing up for me even if I’m wrong - it means caring for me enough to tell me I’m wrong. However, these qualities wouldn’t make you likeable per se - they would make you accepted within a social circle.

So how does one become likeable?

1. Ease up on the doormat culture

You’ll notice that most of the people you like are capable of having an independent opinion and thought. People pleasers may come across as inauthentic and dicey, especially the ones who change their opinion to agree with the majority. So start cutting out the people pleasing behaviour.

2. Have hobbies

You’ll generally gravitate more towards someone who seems to have their life together as opposed to someone who doesn’t. I’m always keen to talk to someone who does something a little different in their free time. I remember talking to a physicist who also wrote poetry - I was very intrigued by his work, and I invited him to my NYE party along with his girlfriend.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with not having your life together as long as you’re at least trying to make it better. Hobbies don’t have to be expensive. It’s also a better way to expand your circle- not all your friends will enjoy pottery or tennis, for instance.

3. On emotional/ trauma dumping

The worst people to guide you in life, my father always told me, are your friends. Blind leading the blind.

Your friends may have a good heart but not necessarily good advice. Keep the trauma dumping to a minimal unless your friend is okay with you sharing more. Bear in mind that even as a listener, when you hear someone’s traumatic experiences, you may feel emotionally overwhelmed.

Never share your private experiences, current situations, drama, problems, gossip with acquaintances or friends who you’re not particularly close to. Trust me, it can be tempting to engage in catty behaviour but there’s a good chance it’ll bite you in the ass.

4. Figure out your strengths

I know what I bring to the table when it comes to friendship - gentle honesty, alternative solutions and perspectives to issues and I’m always a planner.

One of my friends is a blunt critic and I always speak to her when I know I need a reality check about life.

Another friend is very non judgemental, she’s the one I open up to about the weird things I think of.

A third friend is my party friend, who is 100% the life of the party and I love his energy.

We can’t share the same relationship with everyone. Understand your strengths and hone them.

5. Likeable people don’t care about being likeable

Become detached from this idea of “I want to be liked.” Rather than that, I feel the statement “I want relationships who accept me for who I am” make more sense. As you grow older, you’ll realise that this teenager definition of popularity is nothing but inauthentic bullshit. You deserve friends who care for you and cheer you on.

The idea of “I want to be liked/ popular” also low-key reeks of desperate behaviour. It shows that you don’t really care about your thoughts or opinions as long as you’re accepted and you’re ready to modify your opinions to fit in. That’s the worst way to making friends because you literally can’t be yourself.

6. Yes, looks do matter

Looks do matter to a degree. I don’t mean that in a sense of physical features - I mean it from a sense of grooming.

I’ve noticed that people will be taken more seriously if you look a certain way. That doesn’t mean you have to buy stuff until your money runs out - it just means being at a healthy weight, dressing well, practicing personal hygiene.

7. Observational skills

Whenever I’m at an event and I notice someone feeling left out, I go and talk to them.

I remember being in the shoes long ago and feeling uncomfortable going to places. So when I see someone in the same position, I try to be the person I wanted at that point of time.

It’s important to have keen observation skills but what’s even more important is dealing with it subtly. I remember a girl at a party wearing a dress with the price tag still attached to the neckline at the back. I casually went over, put a hand on her back, discreetly whispered that her tag was out, should I put it back in? She said yes, and I put the the tag inside her dress without people around us noticing me. Discretion is a must in life. Don’t shout your good deeds- do them, don’t get flattered by compliments when people tell you that you were nice, and just play it off like it’s not a big deal.

8. Being impolite

I read a study that polite people are harder to connect with. Overly polite people can be seen as boring and that you need more energy to talk to them because the conversation only revolves around a few “polite” topics (studies, career, life in general, how nice the establishment is, the weather, common friends… surface conversation). I’m not saying don’t be considerate - I’m saying don’t be overly polite. Don’t be over accommodating to other people. You can disagree with things respectfully. You can share a different perspective or crack a joke.

9. What are you like?

Are you better one on one or in groups?

I’m a much better person one on one. I resonate with people better when we have a conversation - when it’s a group, it’s just the usual hi-hellos.

You may prefer groups, if one on one conversations seem too vulnerable.

How do you figure this trait out? Ask yourself a simple question : if you had a meet a new person, would you rather meet them alone at a cafe or at a party with your friends?

Figuring this out is important because it gives you a sense of the relationships you value and how you can take them forward.

10. A balanced ratio of talking and listening

Try to listen more than you can talk. This advice is useless if you’re talking to an introvert. With most introverts I’ve noticed that they WILL talk to you - as long as they don’t have to make the first move. Once you set the ball rolling, they’re happy to talk.

So you have to understand how and when to switch being an active listener and speaker.

A simple generalised guide:

When dealing with extroverts: ask basic/ generic/ yes or no questions, give opposing opinions (most extroverts are generally up for a challenge) and listen more in the beginning, switch to talking more later.

When dealing with introverts: again, ask questions but you can make them more subjective than objective, less generic and definitely no yes/no questions. Talk more in the beginning and then listen more later, to make them comfortable.

[as-rethinking-norms]

Unveiling the Truth About Male-Female Friendships: A Modern Perspective

SEO Meta-Description: Explore the depths of male-female friendships in this comprehensive analysis, challenging stereotypes and highlighting the beauty of platonic relationships. Oh, the tangled webs we weave when we explore the maze of male-female friendships, especially through the lens of heterosexuality. The chatter around whether men and women can simply be friends without romantic…

[designerdollar]

Don't relegate valuable personalities to such cheap slums.🍁 _𝓀𝒶𝓏𝒾 𝐹𝒶𝒾𝓏 𝒜𝒽𝓂𝑒𝒹

@designerdollar

[abbyandercel]

you cannot tell me abby's favorite my little pony wasn't applejack.

[akindplace]

Let other people in, even if they see parts of you that are vulnerable, that are not pretty, parts you usually hide. Let others see you as the human being you are, with faults and all. Don't be afraid to be authentic. People are looking for authentic connections, the same as you. You deserve to be honest about who you are and you will find those who love you for being you.

[trashy-greyjoy]

i think there's something interesting that can be said about carmy spending a good portion of one of his first actual dates with claire pretending to be a different person.

[limeodey]

the way that a league of their own depicts queer friendships is so special to me because its so authentic. watch how much more touchy jess gets with lupe once they realise they’re both queer. its that unashamed, platonic but borderline flirty touching that only queer people do with each other because we’re not afraid we’ll be seen or labelled as predatory. jess and lupe are a big example, e.g. in the bar kissing each other on the cheek, arm around each others shoulders, longer hugs. its so normal to do that w ur queer friends. as well as jo and greta, how theres always this comfortable lingering touch that you would only do with another gay friend and not with someone whose straight 

[eternal-gardens]

[thepeacefulgarden]

[lazykebabvagina]

I have a lot of shit to work through tbh. My attachment and jealousy issues ruin my friendships no matter how good or bad the other person really was for me.

[in-tenebris-et-in-solitudine]

[the-one-who-lambs]

y'all are so lovely because I've spent nearly my entire life feeling like I'm annoying for being too excited about my interests and trying to bandage them like a bleeding wound because I've learned that even many friends would put up with it until I become Too Much but now I'm surrounded by people who actually love that I pour my whole soul into what I do and suddenly I am no longer as intimidated by my muchness

[the-concrete-sage]

Destiny of Authenticity…

This weekend I’ve made a conscious decision not to reach out to anyone like I usually do.

Lately I’ve been questioning myself in regards to the people in my life and weather these relationships are a two way street or just one sided. I honestly believe that I’ve been deluding myself about the exchange of energies taking place here. It’s disconcerting to have this realisation and it also hurts to think/feel, in the minds of others, you don’t equate to much.

I truly believe that with any authentic connection there needs to be an equivalent exchange of energies. I believe this so much that I’m now starting to see how I’ve been manufacturing reasons to cover up where these exchanges haven’t been reciprocated.

I’m also leaning that most of the reasons we come up with to justify things are little more than poor excuses to protect ourselves from the often difficult realities we’re choosing not to face. It’s definitely hard to sit on your own realising that those who you once believed you were close too actually don’t feel the same. It’s a hard pill to swallow but, in the long term, I believe, a very necessary one to take.

The desire for one’s self to be as authentic as one can be personally has to be equally viewed in regard to the connections one makes. The external is just as relevant as the internal. It’s about balance in all aspects of your life. It’s also about letting go of that which no longer serves you too. Internal self reflection is but the starting block of self discovery. External self observation, I’m starting to realise, is the meat of it all. Rediscovering where you sit in your external environment is equally as important as discovering where you sit within your own internal space.

I still have a lot to let go of, I’m realising. Letting go is half the work. Letting go of people in your life or at the very least, distancing yourself from them, is truely an arduous and painful task. We are innately social beings but if you’re serious about practicing authentic then we need to be mindful of the connections we make and the energies we share.

This is the path to a destiny of authenticity.

[synthville]

“Having never wept, I hope yours to be happy.”

RAFFI MUSIKER ST: PIC - S03E10

[akindplace]

I know it's not the type of thing people want to as advice when they are embarrassed of being sick, but it's really important for the people around you to see your vulnerable side. Even when it looks bad, ugly or ridiculous. Even if it makes them sad. It's important for those who are close to you to know how bad it can get so they can help. You have to show yourself and voice your needs to those willing to help, you have to be honest without being rude.

It's okay to cry, to look tired and to feel bad around others. Express how it can feel embarrassing and how hard it can be to be vulnerable. The people who should stay will stay. Those who were never going to be by your side will leave eventually, even if you never show them your vulnerabilities.

Some people with stick through thick and thin and those are worthwhile. It is okay to show them who you are without being afraid of scaring them off, because those who get easily bothered would leave anyway because they can only stick around when others make themselves uncomfortable for their own comfort, or because they need to see something of use in people, or they really are incapable of coping. It is not your job to make people comfortable when it costs your own health, don't sacrifice your own well-being for people who don't really show up for you for whatever reason they may have.

Don't be afraid of showing yourself, you can be honest and authentic and the people worth keeping around will gravitate towards you and they will stay if you just let them in. There are still people out there interested in knowing the real you, even when you are not pleasing them or adapting to their needs all the time. It's important for people to connect to you, and they can do so by seeing that you can be vulnerable and authentic, but they won't see it as a weakness. They will see as a human being that just like them is really looking for relationships that are meaningful and are just as afraid of being disappointed.

If you want people to like you for you, then show who you really are, even when it's scary. Don't let bad past relationships determine that all your future relationships will be as awful. Don't let this isolate you or make you too cynical about human connections.

[swasdoodles]

The Queen of Hearts

She made some tarts,

All on a summer's day;

closeup/crop under the cut