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psyadrin · 7 years

Note

Ok for that overwatch thing,,,,, a l l

1. Who is your defense main? Mei and/or Widowmaker, maybe Hanzo.

2. Who is your support main? Idk, I like playing Ana the most.

3. Who is your offense main? Reaper!!

4. Who is your tank main? Dorito rabbit aka D.Va

5. Who is you MAIN main? D.Va

6. Which character have you played the least?

Torb, Winston, Roadhog (all of them are at 0 minutes)

7. Which character do you want to learn how to play?

Sombra, Tracer, Genji, Pharah, Bastion, Orisa, Zarya

8. Which character do you dislike the most? I actually like all of them.

9. Which character’s background story do you like the most?

Bastion, Orisa, Widowmaker, Genji/Hanzo, Mei

10. Which character’s background story do you like the least? Sombra.

11. Which map is your favorite? Black Forest.

12. Which map is your least favorite? NUMBANI.

13. What Arcade game type is your favorite? Lockout 3v3

14. What Arcade game type is your least favorite? Mystery Heroes

15. Do you prefer quick play, competitive, arcade mode, or custom games?

Quick Play and comp, but comp > QP. QP is pretty much the way I like to relax and spend time with my boyfriend by messing around with the people and get achievements. It’s pretty much a huge meme parade when we play quick play and I like that. That way we can talk, make jokes and that stuff whilst still accomplishing things.

16. Which map type is your favorite? Assault, escort, assault & escort, control, or arena?

Control, probably.

17. Which map type is your least favorite? Assault, escort, assault & escort, control, or arena?

Assault & escort

18. Which event map was your favorite? Hm, I’m guessing this means like the Uprising!KR and Halloween!Eichenwalde? If so, I like both very much!

19. Which event map reskin was your favorite?

Winter!Hanamura AND Winter!KR, top notch, really!

20. Which event was your favorite?

Halloween Terror, Uprising (for Reyes’s pre-Reaper voice if nothing else) and Anniversary.

21. Which event legendary skin was your favorite? Cruiser, Jazzy and Pumpkin

22. Which event was your least favorite?

Summer Games 2016, because fuck that loot system back then. Hopefully they bring it back and let me buy the old skins.

23. Which event legendary skin was your least favorite?

Cyborg: 76 and Cyberian. OH, and Ironclad. Y’know, fuckboi torb?

24. Which event non-legendary skin was your favorite? Nevermore.

25. Which event non-legendary skin was your least favorite? Stunt Rider: 76

26. Which event item do you most regret not getting?

Order by event: Reaper’s BMX icon/ Nihon (SG16), Coldhardt (HT), Mei’s Snowman emote (Winter), Rein’s skin,, Wujing I think? (CNY), Cadet Oxton (Uprising), Oasis (Anniversary)

27. Did you beat the Uprising event on Normal, Hard, Expert, and Legendary?

Hell, no! Wish I had, I tried so hard for Expert!!

28. Do you have Sombra’s “Power Outage” achievement? Yep, after 2 hours or so.

29. Do you have Widowmaker’s “Smooth as Silk” achievement? Yes, idefk how.

30. Do you have Lucio’s “The Floor is Lava” achievement? Working on it.

31. Do you have Zenyatta’s “Rapid Discord” achievement?

Eh, I have like 3 minutes on Zen, no.

32. What was the first achievement you got?

Aside from that basic “Play a game with a friend” or “Reach level 10″ bullshit, it was Reaper’s cute spray.

33. Did you get the “Not A Scratch,” achievement on Junkenstein’s Revenge?

Yes, and I’m proud of it. I also have the Hard mode achievement. In fact, I have all Halloween achievements.

34. What has been the hardest achievement to get for you?

Mh, Junkenstein’s Revenge “Held The Door” (Hard mode). I think it took me 4 hours of playing nothing but hard mode??

35. What’s your current SR score in Competitive Mode? 1521, don’t ask.

36. What the highest you’ve been in Competitive? 1956.

37. What’s the most amount of placement matches you’ve won? Nine.

38. How many gold guns do you have? Zero.

39. Which was the first gold gun you got? Are you mocking me?

40. Whose gold gun do you currently want? D.Va’s. After that I might go for Ana’s Biotic Rifle or a golden Widow rifle.

41. What role do you usually play in Competitive? Tank or support.

42. If you don’t play Competitive, why not? N/A

43. What kind of theme event would you like to see in the future? DOOMFIST.

44. What type of character would you like to see in the future? DOOMFIST.

45. Who needs more (or better) skins in the future?

Hanzo, Widowmaker. Give my sniper babes a bit of love. And Reaper.

46. What country would you like a new character to come from? Austria or Italy.

47. Favorite voice line?

Sorted by character (mains only)

[Reaper]“I’ll see you in hell.”

[D.Va] “I get the feeling you’re not taking me seriously.”

[Ana] “More lost than the moon in winter.”

[Lucio] “Have some Lucio-oh’s!” and “Boop!”

[Mercy] “Questionable judgement.”

[Mei] “I’m going to have to science the heck out of this.”

[WM] “Your emotions make you vulnerable.”

[Hanzo] “I choose you, spirit dragon.”

48. Favorite player icon? uuuuuh, The Reaper.

49. Favorite emote? Most dance emotes, SHRUG, and FINGER GUNS

50. Favorite spray? any cute spray I have

51.Favorite victory pose? *shrug* ahahahah… ha

52. Favorite highlight intro? Selfie, Death Blossom, Ssh

53. Characters you ship the most? Bunnyribbit (Lúcio x D.Va)

54. Characters you ship the least? Shimadacest

55. Characters you wish had more in-game interactions?

D.Va/Lúcio, Orisa/Bastion, Widow/Hanzo

56. Character you wish had a comic about? uhh, every character deserves a comic.

57. Favorite comic released? Uprising, Reflections.

58. Favorite short released? The Last Bastion.

59. Favorite new character released? Ana.

60. Overwatch, Blackwatch, or Talon? Blackwatch or Talon, tbh.

61. Pro-Omnic or anti-Omnic? Pro!

62. Favorite character that isn’t a playable one? (Ex: Emily, Brigitte, Gerard, Efi, etc.)

Emily! Lenily is just so pure and I need more!

63. Character change (nerf, boost, work around) that you liked the most?

Lúcio and Bastion 2.0

64. Character change (nerf, boost, work around) you liked the least? Ana’s nerfs tbh

65. Best ultimate?

Every ultimates has its uses! My favorites are Resurrection, Death Blossom and Self Destruct though.

66. Worst ultimate? Infra-Sight. It’s not bad, just not my favorite.

67. Most kills in game? 53.

68. Most heals in game? um,, i dont remember.

69. What character do you think needs a nerf? Sym’s beam range.

70. What character do you think needs a buff? Currently I’m satisfied with most heroes.

71. Have you ever rage quit in the middle of a game?

Unfortunately, yes. Not in comp though.

72. What’s the fastest you’ve won a game? 2:03

73. What’s the fastest you’ve lost a game? around the same as won

74. Your best Overwatch-related story?

Hmm, I’ll never forget how my boyfriend went Symmetra on Hollywood Defense and put down his last teleporter right in front of the very first enemy spawn and we basically just sat there waiting for some poor souls to walk through it. A Zarya and Genji happened to do so and were greeted by a Sym sitting on a stool and me as a dancing Sombra. It was great.

75. Weirdest thing that happened to you on Overwatch?

A friend and I encountered a guy who called me a cunt for killing him in a match and who insisted that my friend would add him as a battlenet friend. That guy proceeded to call me “Black Jerome” (before he learned that I’m female) and “White Jessica” (after he had learned I’m a female).

76. Platform you play on? PC.

77. Do you stream? Wish I could, but my PC is shit.

78. Do you normally play solo or with friends?

Normally, I play with my boyfriend, otherwise I play solo.

79. Have you made any friends because of Overwatch?

In fact, I met all of my current friends thanks to OW and a little AU called Retailwatch.

80. Have you cosplayed a character from Overwatch? Sadly, no.

81. Have you ever wrote fan fiction about Overwatch? Yes.

82. What’s the lowest you’ve been in Competitive? 1100.

83. In “All Brawls,” if you get “Charge!” do you play Reinhardt or do you pick the Lucio role? Lúcio.

84. In “All Brawls,” if you get “One Shot, One Kill,” do you play Ana, Hanzo, or Widowmaker? Idc.

85. In “All Brawls,” if you get “This is Ilios,” do you pick Lucio or Roadhog?

Lúcio.

86. Team Genji or Team Hanzo? Team Hanzo.

87. Be honest! Do you usually get on the payload? I think I do???

88. Does your team? Nope.

89. What’s the longest session of Overwatch you’ve played? Friday 11pm - Saturday 6pm

90. No Limits, Mystery Heroes, or Total Mayhem? Total Mayhem.

91.Most cosmetics you have for one character? 73 for both Reaper and D.Va

92. Least cosmetics you have for one character? 20+ (Orisa)

93. Have you ever made your own custom game? No.

94. Best D.Va skin? Cruiser (event), Scavenger (normal)

95. Best Mercy skin? Witch (event), Imp (normal)

96. Best Tracer skin? Graffiti (event), Ultraviolet (normal)

97. Zarya’s Industrial and Cybergoth skins: yes, no, or HELL NO?

honestly, yes, they’re my favorite Zarya skins.

98. Do you want more animal character, robot characters, or human characters?

I’d love to see more robot characters!! But to be frank, I just want more characters LMAO

99. Is there are character you’d get rid of completely?

Not really, they’re all precious in their own ways.

100. What do you think Sombra’s real name is? obvs something Spanish, idk

are you happy now, ken? this took me an hour to answer

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zombieheroine · 8 years

Text

My blood, my soul, my brother [Overwatch, shimadacest, M][4/5]

Warnings: underage sex, sibling incest, child abuse A/N: The fourth part! This one was hard to write and very painful, but oddly one of the parts I’m particularly proud of. Also, heed the warnings listed above. * Hanzo was fourteen years old when he first killed a man.

It had been coming for a long time, as he had partaken in multiple fights and been at deals gone wrong, traded bullets and crossed swords, all of which was simply a part of the job and came easy to him, not only because of the practice but also because he was at Father's side and followed his example. At first Hanzo had been the last one to draw his wakizashi or katana, but by thirteen he had learned to read the situations well enough to follow the curve of escalation with the rest of the Shimada-gumi. It had been a brawl between clans at a contested but officially neutral zone of Kyoto, a routine route for laundered money used by several clans, but a confrontation happened anyway. There had been a disagreement about prices that was followed by rude remarks, and finally with refusal to apologize. A fight was inevitable. In the midst of it Hanzo had unsheathed his wakizashi, pressed the handle against his palm, supported the blade against his torso and rammed it into his opponent's gut, efficiently ripping fabric and flesh and making him drop almost immediately. Hanzo knew from the smell and the glassy stare in the man's eyes that he was dead, but the fight was still on and he moved on to the next target. On their way back to Hanamura Father had patted Hanzo on the shoulder and told him that now that the dragon had tasted heart blood for the first time, Hanzo was finally becoming a man. They were back home late, and Hanzo was exhausted after a long day and its events. He wanted nothing more than to eat, take a bath and go to sleep, and that was the only thought in his head when he parted ways with Father and his men, who were off to bars and clubs. Back at the Shimada castle Hanzo found a lunch-box full of riceballs with nori and plums, and on the lid a short note from Mother welcoming him home and wishing him a good night. Hanzo took the box and walked to his room to prepare for a bath. It turned out that he didn't have to bathe alone: In his room was Genji, clad in his white bath yukata and lying on Hanzo's made futon, a small game console in his hands. When Hanzo entered the room, Genji's face lit up and he jumped up from his place. “Welcome home, Nii-chan! Wanna take a bath?” Hanzo had his mouth full and lone rice beads stuck to his chin, and he simply wiped his face on the back of his hand and nodded. It felt good to discard the heavy black suit he wasn't fully accustomed to yet, wrap himself into a light yukata and then sneak to the baths with Genji. Most of the castle was quiet so late and with the men out, only guards patrolling the premises, and Hanzo and Genji had a long time ago learned to sneak around without being noticed, simply for their own amusement. The bath was predictably empty when they arrived. Hanzo set the hot water running while Genji set their soaps and wash-cloths in their wooden buckets by the showers and pulled out stools for them. Then they sat down to wash themselves, like any other evening. Hanzo washed away the dried up sweat and soaped his shoulder-length hair, then focused on scrubbing off blood stains that had somehow gotten under his sleeves and on his arms. The coppery brown stains were hard to clean even with soap, and something seemed to linger behind even when the skin was clean. Despite having short hair and being already eleven, Genji still asked Hanzo to wash his hair for him, and the older provided out of habit. They took turns washing each other's backs, and took their time with it. Hanzo scrubbed the hairs on the back of Genji's neck and rubbed his back with soap in circles all over, stopping briefly to tickle his armpits and sides and grinned to himself when the younger giggled and squirmed on his stool. Then he rinsed the boy by filling out a bucket and pouring it all on Genji's head, the way they had liked it since they were little. Then they switched, and Genji washed Hanzo's back, careful and thorough, and rinsed his long hair for him, combing his nimble fingers through his brothers coarse locks. When they were clean, they climbed in the bath together, Hanzo leaned his back on the side and sank under the water all the way to his chin, and Genji settled down next to him, supporting himself against Hanzo. “I killed a man today,” Hanzo said. “Eeeh! Finally!” Genji said, perking up. “With what? How? What did he do? What did Father say?” Hanzo chuckled, feeling a bit cheeky under his younger brother's admiration. “With my wakizashi. Just like we've practised! There was a fight – don't worry about that, we won – and he went down straight away!” “Woaah,” Genji sighed and grinned up at him. “So cool!” “And,” Hanzo continued, “Father said it's time for tattoos! I'm getting a dragon on my left arm soon.” “So cool!” Genji repeated and dramatically dropped down in the water as if fainting from admiration and envy. “I want a dragon tattoo too! A green one, on my back. Do you think I'll be getting one soon?” “I'm sure of it,” Hanzo assured him, and Genji splashed the water in delight. Hanzo lifted his left hand out of the water and inspected it closely. “The scent of blood sticks on your skin, though...” he said, half to himself. “Yeah?” Genji asked, not really interested but took the notion as an invitation to lean closer. He took a hold of Hanzo's bicep with one hand and of wrist with the other and pulled himself on top of his brother's thighs. “It looks clean, though.” “Yeah,” Hanzo agreed and sank a bit deeper in the tub, pulling Genji with him. He couldn't resist the urge to poke him to the side when he was so close, and Genji jerked, splashed the water and laughed. At eleven Genji was just starting to grow, he was skinny and his limbs too long, and even with all of his training his muscles were barely keeping up with the change. He was willowy and springy and moved fast and nimble, already faster on his feet than his big brother, and yet still he never skipped an opportunity to crawl in his lap like a toddler. Genji was poking Hanzo's chest, fingering his collarbone and carefully skiting further down. “You're changing,” he noted. “I won't be a boy much longer,” Hanzo said, “I'll be a man. And so will you, in a few years.” “With tattoos,” Genji added with glee, “and my own katana.” * Genji was frowning and rubbing at the scars crisscrossing across his mouth. “Oh, yeah, that was the first time you killed, now that you mentioned it,” he said. “I had forgotten that part.” “It was... background noise, I suppose,” Hanzo said. He had mentioned his first kill only in passing to empathize how hard the fight had been and how the day had dragged on, and now was the first time either one of them really thought about that. “I... What does that matter? I... I was trying to point out we were too old to take baths together like that.” “Yeah, yeah, I get that,” Genji said and waved the subject aside for now. Hanzo stared at him, disbelief evident in his wide eyes. Genji hurried to clear up his point: “No, really, think about it! We are talking about murders here. Shouldn't that take priority? You know, among normal people?” Hanzo suppressed a tired sigh and shrugged. “Probably. But we hardly were – or are – normal. Besides, do you remember your first?” Genji hummed thoughtfully as he wrecked his brain for a moment, then shook his head. “Damn, I really don't. They are all kind of blurred together. I recall individual cases if they were odd or hard to pull off, but not the first one.” “See?” Hanzo said, exasperated. “Can we please return to the subject so we can get it over with?” “But this is part of the subject,” Genji argued. “That was part of our lives, that was our family! Don't you think all of that played a part in our thing? You always told me to stop being selfish and thinking about only myself, so how come everyone around us doesn't also share the blame with us?” Hanzo pressed his lips together in an angry line, but yielded and nodded. “Very well, then. Let's talk about violence. What's there to say? It was there.” “From the very beginning, Hanzo. Always. I never even batted an eye at it, no matter what. Still don't. Don't tell me that's normal for a human being,” Genji said. “I won't. I just don't see your point,” Hanzo replied. “Well, during my time in Nepal and talking about this with Master Zenyatta, it occurred to me that it's not me who's screwed up in the head and caused the things to go off the rails. It's because everything around us was screwed up that made us that way.” Hanzo let his head tip back and gave his most exhausted sigh yet. “Don't go blaming your family. The same blood flows through all of us,” he said. “You still won't accept that I'm not looking to place blame, brother?” Genji said in turn. “I have accepted who I am, that's what I told you before. I didn't mean just my cybernetic body, I meant also the very human blood flowing through it. Along with everything else, I accepted myself as a Shimada too, perhaps for the first time in my life.” When Hanzo looked back at Genji, he looked surprised and slightly impressed. Some tension drained of his shoulders, like he finally received closure to a long-on-going troubles. “Shimada Genji, finally able to introduce himself like a normal person,” he said with a touch of a smile. Genji snorted. The sound echoed in his vents. “Yes, finally. I always knew that the bonds of blood can't be severed. I did not only want you back in my life, but I also accepted the rest of my kin as such. No matter how much I'd want it to be otherwise, Father is a part of me too.” “And Mother,” Hanzo reminded him. “Yes. And Mother.” * When they brought her back home late at night, Hanzo and Genji stood outside in the garden by themselves, both clad in traditional kimono and hakama, Hanzo holding a white paper-lantern and Genji holding on to his sleeve. They had been woken up in the middle of the night by their aunties, dressed and ushered outside. It was a cool summer night, not a single whisper of wind anywhere, and the cherry trees and maples in the garden were heavy with green leaves. The brothers were told that Mother was coming home for her last night in this world, and that was all. The reality pushed through their sleepy confusion and stubborn disbelief there in the garden, and they stood there in silence, side by side with dry eyes but leaning towards each other. A stray bullet, they said. One of the lieutenants had been the actual target, most likely, and as soon as they found out who, he would take responsibility for this. As for Hanzo and Genji, it was like the winter sun had set. Distant and cold, but still taking all the light with it. Her casket was white, as was her kimono and the flowers. Hanzo and Genji offered incenses, and Father passed on his wakizashi for her to take with her in the afterlife. She was a wife to a Shimada, so she would probably need it. Hanzo clutched his prayer beads like a lifeline, while next to him Genji only stared at the white smoke rising towards the sky. Neither one of them could think clearly enough to pray. Both of them cried silently. Her picture was set at the family shrine at the Shimada castle. Hanzo and Genji greeted her every morning. The distant winter sun became almost like a goddess, now even more unreachable than ever before. The world of the living kept turning and the business of the Shimada-gumi was like before. If Father grieved, he did so in private and never faltered as Oyabun, and his sons followed the example. Genji was always by Hanzo's side, and Hanzo was rarely far from their Father or Father's brothers. Hanzo seemed to have reached the peak of his height at 173 centimetres, but he was still gaining muscle and his shoulders weren't done squaring out yet, so he was fitted for suits often so he could look proper and show off how their family could afford to put their eldest son in well-fit clothes. Genji was just starting at his growth spurt and he wore traditional clothes, mostly dark and decorated with carps to inspire him to struggle out of his boyhood. Genji got his own wakizashi and wouldn't go anywhere without it, smugly displaying it on his belt instead of hiding it under his haori for the sake of the civilians. The brothers were put to work among the rest of the clan, and directed to earn their names as Shimada. Tattoos were a much expected part for them both. Just before Hanzo's fifteenth birthday he and Father took a trip out of the city to see a tattoo master to discuss his first tattoo. Of course it was to be a dragon, that much was clear, but after taking a long look at Hanzo and having a short chat, the artist suggested that the strong guardian should be blue and fly in a stormy sky. No flowers for this one, but blue and grey and storm. Hanzo eagerly accepted, and didn't flinch once when the artist worked on his skin with various brushes made out of steel needles. Father nodded with appreciation as he watched his son bear the procedure. The dragon itched and the skin peeled off of it as it healed, and the feeling was back after each session over several months until it was finished, bright and beautiful. First the skin bled, then ached and finally itched for days, and Hanzo couldn't even bathe properly with it. Genji was eager to aid him with the tattoo, rinsing his arm when they bathed and reminding him not to scratch it. Late at night during their private moment after a long day, when they soaked in the bath together, lazy and snug together, Genji peered at the dragon and checked if some part of it still bled in the water. “It's so beautiful,” he said, his nose almost touching Hanzo's bicep. “I'll get a dragon tattoo too, right? Like in Father's story?” “Of course you will. Why are you so uncertain about it?” Hanzo asked. Genji shrugged and pressed his cheek against Hanzo's collar. “Well you know, the tattoo masters have their visions. What if I'm not fit for a dragon?” “Of course you are. A Shimada gets a dragon, you are a Shimada, end of story,” Hanzo said, laying his hand on the back of Genji's neck and stroking his soft hair. After the bath they went to their own rooms, an arrangement that the elders of the clan had started to reinforce lately. They weren't children anymore, so it was time to start to shake off all the childish habits they had once had, and sleep-overs were one of those. Not that anyone would catch a ninja who didn't want to get caught, not even other ninja, and Genji took great pride in his ability to sneak around the castle after dark without drawing any attention to himself. Sometimes he sneaked into the kitchen to steal a snack, sometimes he sneaked out of Shimada Castle altogether and explored Hanamura's alleys and roofs, but mostly he sneaked out of his room and into Hanzo's, which was almost every night. Hanzo knew to expect Genji and even though he had laid down on his futon, he was never fast asleep when Genji slipped next to him under the covers and into the waiting embrace. Twelve-year-old Genji was starting to enter adolescence, but he still resembled a small child in the dark when he snuggled close to Hanzo. He either put his arms either around his neck or one on his side and another snug between their bodies, cold feet bumping against his brother's legs and face pressed tight in the crook of his neck. The fresh dragon tattoo was't yet done healing. The skin was reddish and tender and peeling off, and when Genji's small fingers felt around it he felt the lines like scars. In the dark it was impossible to tell that they were not wounds but art, an oath, a brand on his brother's skin. Genji imagined how his fingers drew the dragon there, stroked it and brought the mighty defender alive. Hanzo was awake and held his brother while he explored the tattoo on his arm. His arms were loosely wrapped around Genji, absent-mindedly stroking his back and hip as the younger one fondled his arm and chest. Hanzo's light yukata was pushed almost completely off his shoulder, and once he got tired of Genji's wandering hand pulling at the fabric which then rubbed at his tender skin, he pulled his arm out of the sleeve altogether and let Genji continue his explorations. There was a tickling burning feeling in the bottom of Hanzo's stomach that was slowly spreading in his body like alcohol and warming him up. He relaxed here and only here, safe and sound in the dark of the night and with his brother in his arms, close to him and touching him gently, curious and kind like only Genji could. Hanzo petted the boy like he imagined he would a cat, careful and attentive and aware of how small this living creature was – although that was hardly true anymore; Genji stood barely a head shorter than he, and would soon grow more. Hanzo discarded the thought. In daylight he was eager to grow up and become a man, but here in the dark alone with Genji he didn't want anything to change. The longer they lived, the more their duty took away these little precious things, and eventually there would be nothing left. Urged on by the thought Hanzo pulled Genji tighter against him, wrapped his arms around the boy and hooked his leg over his. Genji made a noise, a breathless mumbling sound followed by a giggle and squirmed against Hanzo, not fighting against his hold but worming his way closer. He pressed his face against the side of Hanzo's neck, and Hanzo took a shuddering breath at the feel of a wet mouth brushing against his skin. He closed his eyes and let his head fall back, enjoying the burning feeling spreading and growing stronger in his veins, how he felt his skin flushing with it and something like joy lighting up in his thundering heart. He rolled on his back and pulled Genji on top of him, securely in his arms. Genji wiggled off from atop of Hanzo's thigh and between them, quietly sighing against his neck. Yukata fell open easily even with the belt on, and it was easy to slip off one's shoulders. How convenient, they both had thought more than once. There was no need to put a name on what happened, the only label that Hanzo was concerned with was how good the touch felt. He trembled and whimpered under the clumsy caress, his skin sensitive and hungry, and he didn't even know how it wound him up like this. Why was he gasping and squirming and whimpering here, when no beating, no training nor a needle-brush had made him break like this? He didn't know and didn't care, he just stroked Genji, pressed his face tighter against his neck and with his left hand fit their hips together and coerced Genji to rock slowly with him. Genji gasped and hummed and called out to him, his breath humid and quick against Hanzo's neck. They wrapped themselves around each other like the dragons in their family crest, bound to serve and fight, but at least not alone. * Hanzo and Genji both sat in silence, and for the first time during their very long talk the atmosphere was frightened. They were frightened by things that had already happened, but now that they were given a name they suddenly shifted and got a form, and that form was impossible to look away from. “Hm, say, brother,” Genji said, his voice feeble and almost shy, “you wouldn't have any sake with you? I don't think the tea is going to cut it anymore.” Hanzo raised his brows but without any real surprise or even judgement, and he was already reaching for his belt anyway. He pulled the cork from the bottle and took a swing from it himself before passing the bottle to Genji, who accepted it without a word and drank as well. “So. There we have it,” Hanzo grunted, wiping his mouth. “We lay with each other. And believe me or not, but I do not recall when the first time was.” “Yeah, me neither,” Genji said, moving around uncomfortably. His serenity was cracking and giving way for anxiety. “I had sex with you,” he said, half whispered, like he was attempting to command a demon with its true name. “And I didn't even really know what sex is when I did.” Hanzo shrugged. His spirit had broken at least an hour ago and he just accepted the conversation, like an abused dog taking yet another beating. “I had a vague idea, but I don't think I knew it was possible for men to do it with each other. I knew I wasn't allowed to touch myself, but I don't think I really connected those together.” “Yeah... Me neither...” Genji muttered, furiously rubbing at his scars that seemed to become itchier the more they dwelled on the past. “I just... Why? With all my meditation I could never answer that one. Why did we do it? And how did it go on for so long?” Hanzo poured both of their now empty tea mugs half full of sake before putting the cork back on his bottle, pushed Genji's mug towards him and pulled his own to his side of the table, but then eyed the liquid carefully without making a move to drink. “You always asked so many questions and searched for reason. For such an undisciplined warrior you always understood chaos poorly. Does there have to be a reason?” Hanzo asked within a sigh. “Yes! Yes, there has to be!” Genji snapped towards the ceiling, frustrated. “We are living, thinking human beings! We have control over our actions! We make choices! Of course there has to be a reason!” “No, no there hasn't,” Hanzo argued with a surprisingly gentle tone. Genji recognized the kind-big-brother-voice and felt a tug at his heartstrings; that voice always corrected him when he was being stubborn and childish. Genji closed his mouth, and Hanzo continued: “We can think and make choices, yes, but not in everything. No human alone is in perfect control of everything, ever. Not even about themselves. You have learned balance and self-acceptance, brother, but here's what I have learned: Things happen beyond your control, and even when given a choice, the options are handed to you by fate, and there aren't necessarily many good ones, if any. When we live, we suffer, and there's no point to it. We don't grow from it, we don't learn, we can't avoid it or heal it by will. No human is that strong. We can only bear it and move on.” “That's what you've learned during the last decade?” Genji asked, his voice thick. Hanzo nodded, eyes passive and his posture listless. “If there's a meaning or a reason, that's a story narrative created by a man wanting to survive. Not necessarily a lie, but an illusion one chooses to believe in. It exists only in one's mind, but in the real world there's no reason for anything. People suffer, and that is all there is to it.” “And then what? Do you think our choices are meaningless too?” Genji demanded. Hanzo looked him in the eye, and Genji's heart flinched at the soft look in them. “Did we choose to be born Shimadas?” Genji knew from experience that a reply was expected, and even though he pursed his lips and made a sour face, he answered: “No.” “Exactly. That wasn't a choice we were ever given. I made a choice that I wanted to be a good son and carry on our family's legacy. I didn't know what that would eventually cost me, or that in the end I would fail, and so I made a choice. In the end, it meant nothing. It was beyond my control, no matter how hard I wanted it not to be,” Hanzo said, staring in his sake and sloshing it around in the tea mug. Genji felt a bitter taste in his mouth and took a sip of the sake to wash it down. “And still you carried your guilt around all this time? Or does your personal chaos theory apply to everyone else except you?” “That's not it,” Hanzo said, teeth gritting. “My actions are my own, so the responsibility is also mine. What I did doesn't change because of the circumstances, although...” he swallowed thickly, covered his mouth with his hand and then continued: “I'm ashamed to admit, Genji, but I'm relieved. I hurt you, but not like... not like that. Thank you for telling me.” “Yeah, sure,” Genji replied, turning slightly away from his brother and his barely controlled emotions. Hanzo took some deep breaths and sipped at his sake like it was water, barely noticing the bite of the liquor. “Maybe this conversation is useful. I think I've learned something. From the very first memory along the long road we travelled.” Genji turned back to look at his brother, who was once again staring out of the window and to the horizon. The distant cry of seagulls and waves filled the silence. “I envied you when you were little,” Hanzo said. “You questioned when I accepted, refused to give up things I had already surrendered, and I hated that, I just didn't know why before today.” Genji tilted his head, brows raised and blinked. Hanzo sighed and rubbed his temples, subtly brushing the corners of his eyes while he was at it. “I wanted Mother to hold me. I wanted her to notice me and praise me for being a good son, and when she didn't, I tried harder. And then she went and died.” Hanzo paused, hesitated and pushed forward. “I hated her for that, a little bit.” “I don't remember anyone but you ever holding me. No one,” Genji said. Hanzo gave a joyless chuckle. “I think I always secretly wished that if I carried on with my duty well enough, if I worked for the clan hard enough or exceeded with archery enough, she would smile and hug me, tell me I'm making her proud. Just once.” Genji huffed and emptied his mug in one go. “You and me both, brother.” Hanzo ignored the comment. “Instead, I remember one time when I was twelve, maybe thirteen, arguing with her about starting to carry a bow with me. She forbade it. She said I wasn't supposed to be carrying any kind of a weapon yet, and that my wakizashi was a necessity, but anything other was too much for me. She said it was because I was her child for a little while longer.” He sighed and peered into the mug, internally debating whether to drink or not, eventually deciding not to. “Back then I only picked up on how she called me her child, because that was what I wanted to hear. I didn't notice how she was preparing to give me up.” Genji felt a lump in his throat and squeezed his hands into fists. “For the clan. And I was so excited to officially become a Shimada warrior.” “We both were. It was our future. It was what our family was. Even with all your rebelling, you never rejected the Shimada name or the path of the sword,” Hanzo said. “That was what angered me the most. You couldn't leave, but refused to behave properly. And... And I didn't want you to go.” “You never told me that,” Genji said. His scars were itchy again, but he left his hands on his knees and chewed on his lips instead. “I didn't have the words, and I was too proud,” Hanzo muttered with a huff. “I needed you. I needed you so much that it scared me, and at the same time I couldn't admit how lonely I was. Had always been.” Genji swallowed and shifted in his place. He was suddenly uncomfortable in a whole different manner than before, and his hands turned cold. Suddenly he longed for more sake even though he knew very well from experience that it didn't make anything easier or the conversation smoother. He cleared his throat. “Yeah, about that. One of the hardest things I came to realize about myself during my time in Nepal was about our teenage-years, actually.” Hanzo raised an eyebrow and studied Genji and his suddenly nervous mannerism. “Out with it then,” he urged him. “I don't know if anyone else did, but I always knew how lonely you were,” Genji started, bowing his head. “You know how much we fought on our way to adulthood. I hated you so much, from time to time, I hated everyone, but I took it out on you because I know you wouldn't push me away. You needed me, and that was the only power I had over you.” Hanzo huffed. “You think I didn't notice?” he asked with a shake of his head. “Of course I knew what you were doing, pouting and acting out against everyone's orders. You were always selfish like that. I didn't think much of it, but I was relieved when you came back.” “No, you don't understand,” Genji argued, “you have to understand what I mean! I'm sorry, okay? I didn't even think about what I was doing, I just noticed I had the power to yank you around, to I tormented you! I took my anger and pain out on you because it was convenient. I... I never wanted to hurt you, either.” Hanzo bowed his head and stared in his lap. Genji chewed on his synthetic lip and wanted to tear a piece of it out just to taste blood and feel some pain. “I know it was so fucked up and weird and all, and we were on a one-way ride straight to hell by then, but still. I hurt you, repeatedly, deliberately, and I enjoyed it. It was all the control I had. And... And I need you to know that I'm sorry.” “That won't change any of it,” Hanzo reminded him, both of them, once again. “I know,” Genji quietly said. “Trust me, accepting that was probably the hardest part. But I need you to know how I feel about it. I need it, okay?” Hanzo lifted his eyes to meet his brother's, and for a moment they just held each other's gaze, trying to will the other to understand. Finally, Hanzo nodded. “Of course. I accept your feelings, and your apology. I never held any of it against you anyway.” Genji narrowed his eyes a bit, teeth now worrying his upper lip. “You're allowed to do that, though. You know that, right? You are allowed to be hurt too.” Hanzo looked pained for a second, then chuckled. “Thank you.”

#Overwatch #shimadacest #kapteenin raapustus

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