#bald guy sitting next to me was like ‘how do you make my hairstyle look so pretty sweetheart’

[imo-chan-imagines]

『 Haikyuu!! Week 2020 | Day 5 』

· Sept. 29th → Habit is Second Nature ·

Characters: female!reader, Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou, Tsukishima Kei, Yamaguchi Tadashi (+ bonus characters: Bokuto Koutarou, Kuroo Testurou)

Prompts: A. best character development + B. patterns and habits

Tags/warnings: Haikyuu!! (anime), PG, fluff, headcanons, patterns and habits, best character development

A/N: I haven't done any character x reader stuff for this challenge yet because I tend to do NSFW stuff. But I thought I'd do some fluffy stuff about the characters with the best development and their habits as your boyfriend! (Plus a couple of bonus boys, because I couldn't help myself!! 🥰)

All my Haikyuu Week 2020 posts will be SFW, but I have NSFW stuff on my blog too. Feel free to take a gander. Thanks for reading! Please enjoy ♡ Imo~

Haikyuu × reader / patterns and habits

☆ Kageyama Tobio ☆

Gets up at 5:30am to go for a run every morning but forgets to send you a 'good morning' text don't be upset, it just doesn't really occur to him

Gets all giddy when he receives one from you, though literally cannot stop smiling. Doesn't know what to do with himself

Often forgets his pencil case and comes by your class to borrow stuff

When he buys milk from the vending machine, he will start buying some for you as well without you asking he's trying to show he cares

Milk makes him happy, so it should make you happy too, right? 😭

Frowns and blushes when you start hugging and nuzzling him in public he'll start stammering, too, if you took him by surprise

But then he pouts when you stop 🤭

Is embarrassed about asking you to touch him my poor touch-starved baby 😭

Blushes and looks at the floor whenever he talks about something romantic or intimate

Leans his forehead against yours when he wants to express how he feels but doesn't know how I might be crying...

He loves hearing the sound of your voice, so he often falls asleep while in the middle of a late-night phone call with you you can hear the soft sound of his breathing through the receiver 😭😭

Writes down important dates you tell him because he just knows he's going to forget them

Discretely interlaces his fingers with yours when he feels vulnerable prOTECT HIM

Lots and lots of hugs from behind because eye contact can be a bit much for him, and he's sometimes nervous about you seeing his face

Can get angry and shout at you without warning when he's stressed or upset, and he feels terrible after

Writes out his apologies on reams and reams of paper and rehearses them a million times in front of the mirror but somehow still forgets most of it?

Smiles like a literal angel when he does something to make you happy that's all he wants, y'all 😭

Will try his best at everything, whether it's trying new things with you or doing the same old stuff he's always done

Nuzzles the back of your neck when you're spooning, and kisses his way across your shoulders and down your back as a way of saying, 'I love you and you're mine'

☆ Hinata Shouyou ☆

Says the cheesiest, most romantic things to you with a straight face, but blushes and hides his face when you return the favour

Bounces around the room when he's excited

Always asks you how your day was and is genuinely interested

Rests his head on your shoulder when you're sitting together

Shouts really loudly at random moments because of surprise/frustration/excitement/any sudden emotion, really 😅 gives you mini heart attacks

Always sneezes really fucking loudly??

Sends you adorable cat videos when he knows you've had a bad day

Subtly presses his leg against yours whenever you're sat together, especially when you're both supposed to be studying 👀

Wipes your cheeks and kisses the end of your nose whenever you've been crying

Sings in the shower because he thinks you can't hear him

Will give his gym towel to you with a smile whenever you get soaked in the rain rather than dry himself off

Treasures every little gift you get him

Is fine becoming a human hot water bottle by little-spooning every month when your period comes around he runs at a really high temperature, and actually really enjoys it. So cute 😍

Runs down the halls to your class every break to bring you your favourite drink from the vending machine

Loves sharing cakes with you and feeding each other it sounds cringy, but he makes it so cute and natural

Always pulls goofy faces when he Snapchats you

Leaves you cute voicemails when he wanted to talk to you but you're busy

Shows up unannounced at your house when he's troubled because he just really needs to see you

If he just sees your face, then he knows that it's somehow going to be alright

Y'all, I can't 😭😭🤧

☆ Tsukishima Kei ☆

Teases the crap out of you on a regular basis just to see you all pouty and frustrated

Pretends not to remember your birthday/anniversary/etc. every year so he can drop by your house later that day and surprise you with a gift

Pulls your cheeks when he thinks you're being too cute

Kisses the ends of your fingers when he wants to show affection but doesn't know how

Flicks your forehead whenever he thinks you're being stupid or irritating 🙄

Lowkey blushes every time he sees you cheering for him in the stands I SEE THAT LITTLE SMILE, TSUKKI

Makes you sit on his lap all the time for no good reason other than to tease you bruh

Often ends up taking the teasing too far and winds up feeling rotten because you're now genuinely upset

Sucks at applogies, but will always try to set it right if he's at fault, even if it's awkward

Gives the biggest, warmest hugs when he wants to which isn't much, but hey. Take what you can get

Always sends you a text to make sure you've got home safe, but it's never in those words. It's always under the guise of something else Tsukki, pLEaSE

Grumbles to himself out of jealousy whenever you show attention to other guys, especially his brother

Deliberately gives you his sweaters and hoodies to wear after a shower because he thinks it's super cute, but acts like it's nothing you ain't slick, Tsukki 🤣

☆ Yamaguchi Tadashi ☆

Reaches for your hand first whenever you're together

Nose and forehead kisses when he sees you in the morning

Hand-picks a bunch of flowers for you every Monday because he knows you hate Mondays 🥺🤧

Waits for you at the gate after school every day

Always stands up for you, no matter what he may be soft, but he's not a WUSS 😠

Asks to borrow your other earphone whenever you're listening to something

Wants to spoon with you whenever he's feeling down and you'll never refuse

Always arrives 15 minutes early for every date despite changing his outfit several times out of nervousness

Blushes in pride whenever he lends you his jacket because you're cold adorbs

Sends you little pick-me-up messages when you're busy so you can read them when you're free

Helps you tie up your hair for gym class, and is surprisingly good at making pretty hairstyles

Traces his fingers over your palms and other body parts whenever you're curled up together

Has your name saved on every social media and contact list as something cute like 'My Sunshine 💛' or 'My Honeybee 🐝'

Twiddles his hair around his finger a lot, especially when he's daydreaming about you let's hope he doesn't start balding 😭

Will rush to your class with an umbrella on rainy days in case you forgot one

Loves sitting on the swings with you whenever you pass them on the way home, and making you giggle by pushing you higher and higher

(Bonus boys)

☆ Bokuto Koutarou ☆

Sends a stream of soppy hype-texts every morning for you to wake up to

Will stop by your house and pick you up for school, even if you live literal miles away from him he just wants to see you

Grabs you by the waist and picks you up at least once a day, often in front of a crowd of people he's a fan of PDA

Peppers you with kisses when he sees you for the first time each day

Hypes you up to no end. Literally cannot sing your praises enough

Is constantly looking for compliments, and is not-so subtle about it

Gets easily depressed when you don't notice he did something differently etc.

Will kiss you in front of everyone when he wins a game and you come down to congratulate him literally doesn't care. He's too proud of you

Is constantly asking for massages, whether or not he needs them, because he enjoys the contact

Sometimes you want to staple his mouth shut because he has a habit of getting too excited and talking with his mouth full 🙃

Doesn't stop texting you and sending you Snapchats

Is kind of oblivious if he's done something that upset you, and starts freaking out when someone Akaashi finally tells him

Doesn't plan or rehearse his apologies, because he literally just says exactly what he means 100% of the time

May start choking up and crying if what he did was bad enough, because he just feels so, so guilty

Constantly reminds you when you said you would make him a lunchbox because he loves it so much and wants to boast to his friends

Likes you sitting on his lap while you do stuff together I mean...👀

Calls you 'puppy' and 'kitten' etc. unabashedly in public boi, pLEASE

Insists on giving you piggyback rides whenever your feet hurt 🐷

Saves every single selfie you send him. He treasures every single one, and tears sometimes come to his eyes when he scrolls through them he's so whipped for you, my gal

☆ Kuroo Testurou ☆

Stays up all night texting you he might be getting bags

But it's fine. It just adds to the emo look

Takes your bag and carries it for you without you asking him to

Facetimes you randomly

When you ask what it's about, he says he just missed you/wanted to see your face smooth mf

His hand always finds its way around your waist whenever you're walking together

He scrolls through your old conversations when he misses you

Will ruffle your hair to tease you just so he can spend the next 20 minutes brushing it for you

Steals food from your lunch every day he's lucky he's pretty

Stands outside your house with a boombox blasting love ballads like a giant nerd when he wants to surprise you just imagine it for a second. Let the image sink in

Ends up stroking your hair when you're cuddling together

And subconsciously cradles your stomach a lot because he really wants to start a family with you Testu!!! 🥺😭🤧

Always sends you 'Send This To Your Crush Without Context' videos, despite the fact that you guys have literally been dating for years no caption or anything, either. Just the video

Will probably continue to do it even once you're married, tbh

Always, always, always walks you home

© imo-chan-imagines 2020

[fanfic-me-up]

Insecure s/o with short hair || Headcanons

This is a lovely request! Thank you for the awesome idea @bitweird1​

I can relate to this so hard that I wrote Midoriya’s based on my experience with a haircut that went wrong. I cried with my mom in the car for like half an hour 😂 

I hope you like it! I’m sure you look lovely with your haircut 💖

Midoriya Izuku

He’s very supportive of you changing your hairstyle! 

Will listen to you ramble as you scroll through hair inspiration pics.

“You’ll look beautiful either way, Y/N.”

He’ll take you to the salon and wait while you get your haircut. He’s the No. 1 pro-hero, but he’ll always make time for his girl. 

Oh no, did you really ask for it that short?

Your hair painfully stays put no matter how you ruffle it. 

It’s just hair, it’ll grow back. You repeat, but that doesn’t stop the lump in your throat from surfacing.

Izuku drops the magazine he’s holding to stand, his eyes roaming your face with a sense of wonder.

“Wow, Y/N, you look…”

“I know.” You look down to hide the tears welling up. It’s bad enough you hate your hair, but you can’t stand the thought of Izuku hating it too.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Izuku brushes your hair behind your ear, but it’s so short that it falls back in your face again. 

The tears threaten to fall and you don’t want to make a scene so you grab Izuku’s hand and drag him to the car.

You ramble about how bulky your head looks and how you won’t be able to style your hair anymore like you used to.

And poor Izuku looking like a confused puppy bc you look freaking gorgeous?

“Okay please slow down, babe, I have no idea what you’re talking about, it looks great!” 

“I’m bald, ‘Zuku, it doesn’t get worse than this!” 

“Would it make you feel better if I showed you the pictures my mom took when I cut and dyed my hair like All Might’s?” 

You sniffle, “…maybe”

Okay, you know you’re being over-dramatic, but it’s gonna take a while for your hair to grow back and you’re dreading the whole awkward phase where your hair is neither short nor long.

Izuku makes it his personal mission to make you feel comfortable in your own skin again. we all know this boy doesn’t know when to quit

He will put his research skills to the test, scouring the internet for ways to make your hair grow faster and different hairstyles to try.

Be prepared to experiment!

Izuku is gonna raid the pantry, combining different ingredients to make hair masks!

 If it doesn’t work, he will jot it down in his notebook dedicated to you and move on to the next combination.

Spa night will become a regular thing!

Thanks to Izuku’s big brain and hardwork, your hair grows back in no time!

But you kinda miss your short hair bc spa night was bonding time for you and Izuku.

He surprises you when he comes in with a sheet mask on his face and hands you one of your own.

Just because your hair grew back doesn’t mean spa night is over!

Todoroki Shouto

You decided to take the plunge and get a pixie cut!

All the girls compliment you when you walk in.

“Girl, you look hot!” Mina gushes.

“I’m so jealous! I wish I could pull off a pixie cut like you!” Ochako says.

You blush and thank them for their kind words.

Todoroki stops in his tracks at the sight of you.

Will he love it? Will he hate it?

“Beautiful.” 

That one word sends your heart for a loop. 

But your confidence is shattered when you and Todoroki go out the next day and two guys on the street make some rude comments.

“Which one of ya’s the dude?”

“Nah, man they’re both dudes!” 

They hold their stomachs, laughing at their sad excuse of a joke.

Your hand grips Todoroki’s tight, scared that if you let go you might have a breakdown right here in the middle of the street. He gives your hand a reassuring squeeze before setting his gaze on the two jerks. 

“Say that one more time.” 

His eyes narrow as he conjures unforgiving shards of ice from his right side.

The two guys run away in fear.

Since that incident, you feel the overwhelming urge to throw a cap on and hide the hair you were once so confident in.

You ask Todoroki when you’re checking your hair out in the mirror if he prefers you with short or long hair. 

“I prefer you.” 

Todoroki is clueless about how to address the situation. He misses your confident persona and your carefree smile.

The whole week you feel like someone’s watching you; following you to class - and you must be going crazy because you swear you see camera flashes. How creepy if someone’s taking pictures of you... 👀

You walk to your dorm after class, prepared to watch movies all weekend, when you spot a photo album sitting on your bed.

What the heck is a photo album doing on your bed?

You flip through it to find photos of you. They must’ve been taken from a distance and would explain the weird feelings and camera flashes. 

“So I wasn’t imagining it…”

You see yourself smiling with Mina and Ochako in the lounge, laughing with Kirishima and Kaminari during lunch, and you smirking when you landed the winning blow during a training exercise with Bakugou. 

“You like it?” 

You jump and turn to find Todoroki watching you intently. 

Oh thank god. You were kinda scared there was a serial killer after you.

“Um… I appreciate the gesture? But… why?”

“To show you how pretty you look.” 

Todoroki flips through the pages and shows you the different pictures, pointing out what he likes about each one.

“There’s no reason for you to be insecure, Y/N, look at you, you’re beautiful.” 

You’re touched at the effort Todoroki put into proving how much he adored you, even if the execution was a bit weird. 

“Thank you, Shouto, I… I needed this.” You wrap your hands around his neck and peck his lips.

“You’re welcome, Y/N.”

“But we do need to talk about you taking pictures of me like a stalker.” 

Todoroki cocks his head like taking pictures from a distance without your consent never occurred to him. You shake your head and smile at his cluelessness. 

You pull him down for another kiss and when he runs his fingers through your hair; it brings a smile to your lips.

Kirishima Eijirou

You’re not one to back down from a dare.

“You’re gonna regret it,” Kirishima says.

“Bet!”

Yeah… you regretted it the moment you looked in the mirror, Kaminari’s reflection looking sheepish with a pair of scissors in his hand. Tufts of hair, your hair that was just on your head a moment ago, now on the floor.

You know those scenes in movies where someone screams and each shot zooms further and further out until they’re screaming so loud it can be heard from outer space? Yeah, that’s basically what happens.

Everyone rushes down wondering who the hell got murdered in the middle of the night. 

Bakugou calls you an idiot, Midoriya gives you words of encouragement, and Aizawa-sensei is just… done. 

Kirishima will 100% help you style your hair. He knows more about hair than all your girlfriends combined. 

He even convinces you to dye your hair bc why not at this point. But you’re not sure since you’ve never dyed your hair.

“Do you trust me?”

Well, you can’t argue with that.

Oh and if anyone tries to come for you about your hair, you bet Kiri will shut that down real quick. He’s not taking shit from anyone, especially when it comes to you.

Kiri loves to leave you little notes every morning with positive quotes like “Remember to smile!” or “You can do it!” They’re cheesy, but it gives you a confidence boost needed to get through the day.

This boy knows more about dealing with one’s self-image than anyone. He will be there for you every step of the way. If you need to rant, he will listen. If you need to cry, he’ll offer his shoulder. If you need encouragement, he’ll whisper sweet nothings into your ear until you believe it.

He’ll play with your hair and you let him style your hair for fun with gel until it's spiky like his. 

It makes you realize that it’s only hair and it’ll grow back. May as well have some good laughs so you have a fun story to tell later in life 😊

[jayjaydawn]

love is in the hair

Summary: Where you love playing with Jeonghan’s long hair until he cuts it.

Pairing: Jeonghan x Reader

Genre: Fluff

Words: 1271

A/N: I don’t know what went through my mind when I wrote this xD (Sorry for the title, I just had to 😂)

"Life is too short to have boring hair" 

It was a sunny day, the perfect weather to go outside. But you were lying down on your bed, your laptop on your chest, watching stupid videos on YouTube. The chips you were munching on was everywhere, some even sneaking down your t-shirt. But that's okay, you could just pull it out of your bra and eat it. 

You were so comfortable but so bored. You sighed as you paused the video playing and started looking for something else to watch; 'Different hairstyles for medium length hair' 

Oh my god, you really wanted to learn how to do these hairstyles. 

Before you knew it, it was already getting dark outside, your position hadn't changed at all. It was high time you got out of your lazy position and took a bath. So you did exactly that. 

°°°

The bell rang and you rushed to go open it. 

"Hello handsome" you said jokingly as soon as you opened the door. Before he could say anything, you pulled him towards the living room, forcing him to sit on the couch. 

"Where did all this energy come from suddenly?" 

"Today was so boring, I wanted to be productive but at the same time I didn't want to do anything. Ughhh the pain" you said in an exaggerated manner. 

Jeonghan chuckled as he got up to go to the kitchen. 

"Are you hungry? There's some food in the fridge if you want." 

"Okay, I'll just get fresh and come back down" he said as he came out of the kitchen. He looked at you and found you smiling at him creepily. Your white teeth on display. It was all very suspicious. He slowly walked towards the room while also looking at you from the corner of his eyes. 

"You know I really love you right?" you said before he could enter the room. 

"Hmmmm" he made a noise as he went in, he knew you were planning something and he didn't know how to feel about it.

°°°

When he came to the living, he found you still sitting on the couch, but this time you were fiddling with something. 

"Why are you fidgeting so much ___?" 

You suddenly sat up straight and looked at him with slightly wide eyes. "Nothing."

He looked at you for 20 seconds and went to the kitchen. He came back out with the noodles and sat next to you. 

He was focused on the TV when he felt you staring at him. Without turning around he said, "Just tell me what you want." 

You were surprised that he noticed you were trying to ask him something, "uhmm, can I braid your hair? I want to try something." 

"Okay." He replied nonchalantly and sat down on the floor in front of you. 

And so it began. You grabbed his hair and you went crazy with it. Poor guy. 

"Ouch" 

"Stop moving so much!" 

"What do you mean? You're pulling out all my hair. I'll go bald at this rate."

You made a regular braid and then a french braid. And then pigtails. And space buns. And a fish plait. You experimented to your heart's content and it was so much fun. Let's not forget all the pictures and selfies you took.

You threw your hands over his shoulders and hugged him from the back. Kissing his cheek multiple times you said, "Thank you for letting me do this." 

He swiftly turned around and pushed you on the couch, climbing on top of you. He kissed you everywhere on the face and you couldn't stop laughing, especially him doing this with pigtails on each side of his head. It was just so funny. 

"I love that your hair is so much prettier than mine. I would like it to remain long forevveeerrr" 

"Oh! Is that so? So you can try all sorts of things with my hair huh? Maybe I'll cut it tomorrow" he smiled down at you. 

"No you won't" you pouted at him. 

"Okay I won't. Don't look at me like that." He laughed at you and picked you up to take you to your room. 

°°° 

This became a very normal thing you both did. When he used to do his own thing and you were bored, you'd sit behind him and start playing with his hair, watching YouTube tutorials and trying new hairstyles. 

Till that one faithful day. 

°°°

Jeonghan and you were supposed to meet at a cafe that you frequently visited. You were getting ready when you received a call from him. He told you he might be a little late and to leave the house accordingly. You were suddenly worried because you could hear the nervousness in his voice but you couldn't think of any reason for him to be nervous to meet you.

You arrived at the cafe and sat near the window, at the far end. This was where you both sat whenever you visited the cafe. Taking out your phone you dialed Jeonghan's number. 

"Hey, I've reached. Are you going to take some more time?"

"Uhmm- No no, I'm 5 minutes away. You can place the order for us." 

"Okayy, see you soon." You hung up and called for the waiter. Placing your regular order, you played games on your phone till Jeonghan reached. 

"____! I'm so so sorry for keeping you waiting!" You heard Jeonghan frantically say as he pulled out the chair for himself. 

"Its ok--" you looked up at him before you could complete your sentence. 

It felt like you froze for a moment. You were absolutely gobsmacked. You reached your hand forward and touched his hair. 

"YOU CUT YOU HAIR?!?" 

"Shhhh, we're at a public place ____" jeonghan laughed. 

"Oh my god! I can't believe this! Why didn't you tell me you were going to cut your hair?" 

"The company informed me today. I'm supposed to have short hair for the next comeback. Honestly, I feel quite free. Do you not like it?"

"Huh? Of course I like it. I love whatever you wear and however you choose to keep your hair. But I just feel sad."

"Why? You know it can grow back right?" 

"I'll really miss your long hair." You said frowning. 

"Hey! Turn that frown upside down will you?" Jeonghan said pointing finger guns at you. 

You gave him a questionable look, "Yuck, where did that come from?" "Can you please appreciate my corniness sometimes?" Jeonghan laughed at you as he pulled your nose gently. "Nope" you shook your head. Just then the waiter came with your food. 

You both continued eating while still throwing comments about his hair here and there. 

°°°

Jeonghan and you held hands, as you walked along the sidewalk, with masks over your faces. 

You turned towards him while walking and put your hand out to touch his hair again. 

"I don't know how I feel about this."

"I have an idea actually." "What is it?"

"Why don't we find a new hobby? Maybe you can do my nails instead of my hair." He said while looking ahead. 

You suddenly stopped walking, he turned and looked at you. 

"Really? You'd let me do your nails?" You looked at him with the most innocent expression ever. 

"Whatever makes you happy baby." He said. You burst out laughing and jumped on his back. He instinctively caught your legs, pushing you up to give you a piggy back ride. 

"You're the cutest ever. I love you so much you know that?" You said and you both made your way home. 

[recurring-polynya]

Can we get some drabbles on Renji’s time with Squad 11 especially his interactions with Kenpachi and Yachiru? Obviously shenanigans with Ikkaku and Yumichika are welcome! Also, how did you think he was promoted to Squad 6 lieutenant? It’s safe to assume he applied (I can imagine his Squad 11 gang even helping him out with this) as that’s part of his “master Get-Back-Rukia plan” but moving from 6th seat to lieutenant is a leap and I imagine that Byakuya is super picky. Imagine his job interview!

I’ll do the meta part first.

#0. For starters, Renji spent 40 years reverse-engineering how to make Squad 6 Vice-Captain. He read every Teen Vogue profile on Byakuya, he clipped Byakuya’s unreadable etiquette column in the Bulletin, he studied Kuchiki military history, he hung out at Shirogane Ginjirou’s sunglasses shop and knew exactly when the guy planned to retire and got a bunch of spilled tea on Byakuya’s pet peeves, of which there are many. Byakuya is not exactly a complicated guy, it isn’t all that hard to figure out what the right answers to his interview questions are gonna be.

#1. I think there is an exam that qualifies you to be a vice-captain, and that Renji vastly over-prepared for it and got an extremely high score. Byakuya loves big numbers.

#2. There is a standard application for Vice-Captain that’s probably about 5 pages long. Renji’s application was 15 pages long. He included a personal essay and a long paean to how much he admired the principles of Squad 6. Byakuya loves Squad 6, and he loves a guy who is really enthusiastic about Squad 6.

#3. Renji is great in an interview. I headcanon that he and Rukia did a lot of con artistry back in Rukongai. Byakuya is a mark. Primarily, Renji gave him opportunities to pontificate, which Byakuya loves. Byakuya talked through 90% of Renji’s interview, and walked out feeling great.

#4. The only thing Renji had going against him was the reference section. Byakuya hates Zaraki and would go out of his way to avoid talking to him. Aizen was still salty that Renji left his squad, and tried to reverse psych Byakuya into not hiring him. (“Oh, I think he’d be an excellent second for you, Byakuya! He’s a bit impulsive, and I’m sure your influence would overcome some of that hotheadedness! His poor kidou skills shouldn’t be a problem, I’m sure you’ve got that covered yourself…”) Unfortunately for Aizen, Byakuya was already 80% on Team Renji and he realized Aizen was trying to play him, and Byakuya hates being played.

Job offer within 24 hours. Regrets came later.

I do a lot of shenanigans with Ikkaku and Yumichika, but not usually Kenpachi and Yachiru, so let’s try that for a change!

🗡️    💖   💪

“I have a Special Assignment for you, Abarai,” the Kenpachi grumbled.

Special Assignments could be anything, really. Running around dive bars in the upper Rukon, stapling up posters to advertise their next Recruitment Brawl. Delivering blotchy hand-written notes to Captain Unohana. Helping Zaraki set up elaborate obstacle courses that would then necessitate another Recruitment Brawl. The majority of Renji’s Special Assignments involved helping the captain get somewhere he needed to go. Zaraki was very good at getting lost, but Renji was exceptionally good at finding places. This worked out rather nicely, because there was almost always something interesting to fight in the places that Zaraki wanted to go, and the more Zaraki saw Renji fight, the more willing he was to bring him along.

“We goin’ somewhere, sir?” Renji asked hopefully.

Zaraki scratched his ass pensively. “Not today. C’mon in, I don’t wanna talk about it outside.” He let the way into what was occasionally jokingly referred to as his “office.” It was the place where Zaraki hung out and took naps during the day, in case anyone wanted to find him for fighting purposes. “Chisaka had to go to the Living World last week,” Zaraki explained, rummaging around in his kosode and pulling out a well-thumbed magazine. “She brought Yachiru back some manga she thought she would like.”

“That was nice,” Renji commented carefully. Giving gifts to Yachiru was nearly always an exercise in “no good deed goes unpunished.”

“Yeah, it went over real good,” Zaraki grumbled. “She liked it so much, she wants her hair done up like the kid in it.” He thrust the crumpled booklet at Renji. It was a girls’ manga, the kind with a lot of sparkles and girls in sailor suits. Zaraki poked a gnarled finger at a picture of a little girl with pink hair, twisted up into two little buns, with fluffy ponytails trailing down from them.

Renji rolled his eyes up towards his captain. “What the actual fuck, sir? Isn’t this more Ayasegawa’s department?” Zaraki didn’t like to be called ‘sir’ unless there was a profanity somewhere in the same sentence.

“Dammit, Abarai, I know you’ve let Ayasegawa do your hair. It takes him four fucking hours and he screams at you if you squirm. Yachiru can’t sit through that shit.”

Renji made an uncomfortable face. “Your hair always looks great, can’t you--”

“I tried! She doesn’t want me to use any gel, says it needs to be ‘fluffy’. How the hell are you supposed to do a hairstyle without gel, answer me that!”

“What makes you think I can do anything?” Renji finally whined.

“Look, I started at the top. Madarame ain’t got any hair, and Iba might as well not. You’re pretty fast, and you’re probably strong enough to hold her down, and at least you know how a ponytail holder works.” Zaraki sucked his teeth. “If you do it, I’ll fight you later.”

“Really?” Renji asked, his eyebrows shooting up. Zaraki didn’t usually feel that anyone below Ikkaku merited his time, and Renji jumped at every opportunity to convince him otherwise.

“Yeah, sure.” Zaraki flung open the door to the room where Yachiru sat, scowling, surrounded by an assortment of ribbons and barrettes. “I got help.”

“Wrong Way doesn’t know how to do hair!” Yachiru shouted.

Renji and Yachiru had an ongoing philosophical disagreement about the geography of the Seireitei. Yachiru had zero legs to stand on in this argument, but also, she was the one who came up with nicknames.

“He has a lot of hair,” Zaraki countered.

“That’s boy hair!” Yachiru returned. “It doesn’t count!”

“I… have done girl hair before,” Renji admitted, somewhat painedly. “Hair is hair!” He almost yelled “Gender is a construct!” because he had been reading some of the books Iba’s mom kept leaving in their room, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to explain what that meant. At this point, he just wanted to get this over with, preferably without getting kicked in the nose, which tended to happen a lot around Yachiru. “If you let me try, I’ll let you do my hair.”

Yachiru’s eyes went wide. “Really?”

“You can’t cut it, but sure. Whatever.”

Zaraki was looking over at him with something that might have been respect. “Do you know what you’re doing, you crazy bastard?” he mumbled.

“Absolutely not,” Renji replied.

🗡️    💖   💪

“They’re uneven, is all I’m saying,” Yumichika sniffed.

“I love them, he put extra ribbons on!” Yachiru howled, swinging her sheathed sword at Yumichika, who deftly ducked. The ribbons swung delightfully around the sides of her head.

“I’m honestly surprised there were any ribbons left,” Iba commented dryly.

“You can shut it, fucko!” Renji yelled. His hair was styled rather similarly to his vice-captain’s, except that his was in three (rather lumpy) buns, and his ponytails trailed more majestically. The curling iron had been a terrible idea overall, but the big, loopy curls at the ends of both Renji’s and Yachiru’s hair had definitely been worth all the burns.

Ikkaku rubbed his own bald pate. “I kinda like that look on him. 100 kan says it helps him fight better.”

“You’re on,” Iba agreed.

“What’s the hold up?!” Zaraki roared.

“Here I come!” Renji bellowed.

“Ganbatte, Wrong Way!” Yachiru cheered.

There was a loud crunch.

Ikkaku handed over the 100 kan. “It was worth a try.”

[bald-tales]

The Mohawk - by Titan

The kid was obviously drunk but the barman wasn't worried. The two regulars in front of him had promised they'd get his drunken arse home. Besides, the kid had been so full of himself when he first arrived at the bar - rabbiting on about turning 21 and finally being legal,he thought the kid deserved to be taught a lesson..  He was certainly a looker alright. Thick, blonde, perfectly style wavy hair with a decent amount of whiskers forming a goatee. 

The kid had been celebrating all night. But in the last hour his friends had tired of his obnoxious outburst and called it a night. What they hadn't realised was their bar hopping had brought them finally into a leather bar where the kid was definitely standing out.  The kid's name was Kelly and he was totally oblivious to the sexual orientation of his new found drinking buddies at the bar.  At just over 6 feet and carrying the muscle tone of a top athlete the men at the bar couldn't take their eyes off the prize trophy before them. 

Ren and Clive were friends of twenty years. They couldn't wait to teach this 'jock' a lesson, especially seeing the kid was fascinated by their hair.  He asked Ren what had happened to his hair with a snicker. Ren was totally bald. Not a shadow of hair on his head. He made up for it with a thick, dark goatee. Of course the drunken Kelly pointed out to all around that Ren's hair had migrated to his face. Then he turned to Clive and asked him if he was in the marines. He wore his hair in a tight, shaved flat-top. Then again he blurted out how with a mustache the size of Clive's wasn't very military.  He didn't notice the powder being added to his drinks. 

One of Clive´s and Ren´s good friends came over to the bar.  "Now what sort of haircut do you call that 'bro'?" yelled Kelly as he downed his laced drink.  "Who's your new friend?" asked the startled newcomer.  "This is Kelly and he is celebrating his 21st." Ren answered."Kelly this is Caleb and his haircut is called a mo-hawk.. The're pretty popular around here you know."  "Well you wouldn't catch me dead looking like that......"Kelly stuttered before he passed out.  As they picked up there new-found friend Clive asked Caleb if he wanted to help them teach Kelly some manners?  "When do we start?" was all Caleb could answer.  "Why not right away." Clive answered. 

Kelly was driven to a nearby barbershop owned by Ren. He loved his craft and he was about to make Kelly over. Jocks with smart mouths was a specialty. Caleb brought in a small bag that contained his tools of craft. "what are you going to do?" asked Caleb as he watched the now naked Kelly asleep in the barber's oversized chair.  "What about a headshave to get rid of all his pretty hair." Caleb offered.  "No! I have a better idea. I think he took a real shinning to your hairstyle." Ren snickered as he fired up his balding clippers. "He needs to look a little more cutting edge." 

The heavy duty teeth of the clippers quickly attacked the thick, blonde hair, with each pass of the clipper, more scalp visible.  Soon Kelly's head was bald except for a 1 inch strip down the centre only extending to the crown. It was reduced further to a mere half inch in thickness before it was treated with a hair dye. Soon the blonde mo-hawke was jet black.  His decent beard growth was also coloured black before the edging clippers started to attack the kid's impressive whiskers.  The goatee was reduced to a thick line from the bottom lip to the chin while the mustache was reduced to sit just above the top lip, again being less then a half inch wide.  Lather was applied to Kelly's face and head before Ren expertly ran the razor over the blonde stubble. As the razor revealed more smooth skin Clive and Caleb couldn't believe the change in Kelly's appearance. 

Caleb was next to work his magic on Kelly. Opening up his leather satchel he brought out an assortment of metal jewellery.  "The kid needs some metal don't you think Ren?"  "Yeah Caleb, but don't overdo it. I know what you're like when you start piercing new guy's." Ren answered as he spread a thick cream over the newly shaved side and back of Kelly's head.  "What's that stuff?" asked Caleb as he began to pierce each of Kelly's ear lobes.  "Something to keep the mohawk just in case he changes his mind." Ren said as he rubbed the cream in. "He may start growing some hair back but I doubt it. Just as well he is out of it otherwise he'd feel the burning as his hair follicles die."  "Well he is going to flip when he sees these thick, gold, rings dangling from each ear, and to make sure he can't take them out I'll use some of my special glue on the joins." The bright gold of the rings stood out against the shiny,smooth head.  Caleb didn't stop there as he went for the nipples, using a similar gauge ring to match his ears. 

Caleb plunged a syringe into each of Kelly's nipples causing them to lengthen as collagen was injected. He watched their size increase as he emptied the contents.  He would later pierce them with heavy, gauge rings which would make the nipples hang under their weight.  No more T-shirts for this guy. A septum ring was added falling across his upper lip adding to the new look.  Finally a pair of headphones were placed over his ears. The messages he would start to hear in his subconscious would be his love for man on man sex and how he was going to be a slut from now on.

Finally, after two hours,Kelly was brought around and as his eyes opened he seemed to be looking at some punk guy. When he moved the figure in the mirror did the same.  As his hand reached up to feel his head he could feel the smooth skin. All he could do was stare in silence.

[amenomiko]

Request: "Ikemen Sengoku Warlords and MC when she's on her period".

1. Nobunaga

-Silently fidgets when MC glares in War Council. If he's not mistaken, he kinda heard she mumbles "Stupid war. Stupid council. Stupid Meeting. Stupid Nobunaga."

-"....You think?" She answered when Nobunaga smugly asked "Are you angry, fireball?" That makes his smug disappeared in instant.

-She even "TCH-ed" LOUDLY when Hideyoshi nag at her for speaking that way to Nobunaga.

-At the end of the council, he tried to approach his wife but was left dumbfounded in the hall when she smacked his hands away and said "Touch me again and I will feed all your konpeitos to the ants until they are fat."

-He may be the boss of the warlords but woman's time of the month is more scary than anything.

2. Hideyoshi

-Startled when MC starts to tear up all of a sudden.

-"M-MC?? I'm sorry..! I really am!! I'm just all dirty from battling the enemy it's not that I don't want to kiss you!!"

-Nope. She is bawling now. Running to Nobunaga, shouting "I WILL TELL NOBUNAGA SO YOU BE JOBLESS AND WILL GET A NEW JOB LIKE A REAL MONKEY, YOU GREEN SEXY BANANA!!!!"

-Hideyoshi: ʕʘ̅͜ʘ̅ʔ Green Sexy Ba- what- *realizes* WAIT MC NO--

-Too late. Nobunaga stepped out from his room, with crying MC behind him.

-"N-no!! I didn't do anything at all, Nobunaga-sama!!"

-"Hideyoshi. Climb the tree by tomorrow."

-He is the one who is bawling now.

3. Masamune

-MC!! My beloved wife..! I'm back- *SLAPPED*

-She gasped, realizing what she had done to her husband. "M-Masamune..! I'm sorry I really am!!"

-"Ah, no no it's okay- ahhaha you caught me there. (It kinda hurt tho) welp- where's my welcome home kiss?? ❤❤❤❤"

-As Masamune starts to lean down MC feels uncomfortable and the irritation in her growing back again.

-She hissed. "Don't. Touch. Me."

-Masamune: (ㆁᴗㆁ✿) eh?

-She grabbed his collar, growling "DIE OR COOK ME SOMETHING SWEET. CHOOSE."

-Masamune: M-MC?? What are you-

-She cried. FOR. NO. REASON. It catches the attention of Shogetsu and Shogetsu thinks his master has been bullying MC and he bites Masamune.

-"OUCH SHOGETSU WHAT THE HELL WHY ARE YOU BITING MY ARSE--"

4. Ieyasu

-MC's time of the month can be scary.

-The pain is too much to the point she can faint. At any time. Any place.

-There's time where she fainted in the middle of walking to war council. Some vassals accidentally trip over her, and some thinks there's a huge STARFISH in the middle of the hallway.

-And there's time when Ieyasu nearly dropped his bowl of medicine because his pale wife CRAWLING towards him as he opened the door.

-It panicked him when MC suddenly groans during war council and crouch down, clutching her lower stomach and breathe like fish out of water.

-To Ieyasu, woman's time of the month is like a survival month of having heart palpitations.

5. Mitsuhide

-Other than melting whenever MC show her cute side, MC's time of the month is also the time where he couldn't (more like wouldn't) know HOW to react to her mood swings.

-MC can just suddenly cry (even when Mitsuhide is showing his teasing grin to her). He can find an excuse if she's crying for the reason of teasing her but no, she will accuse herself for being boring and an idiot and blame herself that Mitsuhide force himself to love her (All of this sudden overthinking is overwhelming, he didn't know how to stop MC)

-And then he will be suddenly pushed against the wall. Being kissed is alright, but nope. He can feel his lower hakama being stripped. And if it's not because Hideyoshi who appeared out of nowhere, well... he will be eaten for sure. "Eaten". Yis 👀.

-At the end of the day, fatigue take over him. Worst than spying an enemy. He just wished it will end soon.

6. Mitsunari

-"*gasp* M-MC..! Mmmf..! MC forgive me..! If there's-- mmf- anythin-- mmf- did I ever do- mmf- to you--mmf..!!"

-It was supposed to be a beautiful day. Woke up beside his beautiful wife, eats breakfast with his beautiful wife, goes to war council with his beautiful wife, goes back to read some good book, until the book is tossed away and he was pinned onto the wall by his beautiful wife.

-Then he was kissed many times, before he could catch a breath, he was kissed again. And again. And again. But his wife is not drunk, he thought. But the look in MC's eyes is.. Like a wolf who wanted to eat its prey so bad.

-"MC-- A-Are you hurt anywhere--" A finger silenced his lips.

-"The day is still long, my angel. Allow me to ravish you." She grinned.

-"EH O/////A/////O-- AAAAHHHHH ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤"

7. Kenshin

-He hugged his wife, patting her back so it could lessen the pain inside her.

-"Is it still hurts?" He whispered.

-"It......hurts... Like....*gasp* s-s-.."

-"....? S?"

-"s-seppuku--" She sobbed.

-He held her close, realizing her body had formed a cold sweat. He was about to let the bunnies inside, until she sobbed again, "Nnn don't leave me...!"

-He smiled. "I won't. I just want to let them in so they can make you warmer."

-"....." She lie down, pulling him to be on top of her as she circle her arms around his neck as she continued, "Bun bun, is it me..? Or the bunnies?"

-Kenshin: (What's a "Bun bun"? She can sound weird like Sasuke) What do you mean?

-The smile on her lips slowly fading. "Me..? Or the bunnies..?"

-"Of course it's you. The bunnies only followed me around. It's not that they are my pet."

-"......Good."

-Suddenly he can feel the chill in her voice. But when he about to let it pass, she said in a low voice, "If you choose them I will feed them to all your vassals or make a rabbit wine." She smiled. Ear to ear.

-Kenshin: You are indeed my Goddess of War.

-Meanwhile, Sasuke who happens to be at the ceiling has recorded some audio as he mumble to himself, "She said terrifying things in this month again, I'm sure she will cry once "it" ends. Again." (Meaning: MC will be into her obsessed mode when she is on her period. And will cry so much when people tells her what is the cruel thing she's been saying when she's at it.)

8. Shingen

-It surprises him when she bursts into the room, crying on his chest.

-"MC?? Goddess?? What's wrong?? Are you hurt??"

-"Shingen..! I.. I... I want to eat Dango. And dumpling. And all the sweets in Kasugayama..! I.. I... I'M DYINGGGGGG!!!" She bawls.

-Ah, I guess this is what Sasuke has been telling me. The woman's time of the month. He thought.

-"Alright!! Let's go together? I will buy all of the sweets for you!"

-The beam on her smile is like a blessing light from a real goddess. So BLINDING AND BEAUTIFUL. Well, his wife is a real goddess anyway. Heh. Lucky me to have a goddess as my wife. He thought again. Smiling like an idiot for a good 3 seconds.

-Then they go. They buy all of the sweets she wanted. But then all of a sudden stupid Ronins decided to appear that particular day, to disturb them. To disturb MC.

-Before Shingen decided to just give a small blow to them, his long sword disappeared from his grip.

-He was too shocked to say anything the moment MC swings his sword and cut all of the Ronins' clothes, leaving them nothing. Nothing at all. Even their fudoshi (underwears in the past)

-"Disturb me and my husband again... YOU WON'T FEEL ANYTHING WHEN YOU OOH LALA YOUR WOMAN YOU PIECE OF TRASH OOORAAAA" She spat, brushing her hair back with her fingers, huffed like those yakuza's ane-san.

-Shingen blushed. "My Goddess is sexy". Is all he could come into conclusion with.

9. Yukimura

-"Hey, do you want anything from the sweet shop? Shingen-sama told me to buy some sweets as usual."

-MC smiled. "It's okay, Honey. I'm good."

-He raised his eyebrows. "Really? You sure? Don't attack me like wild boar later okay?"

-She smiled and laughed. "I won't Honey. Be safe okay?"

-Looks like MC's time of the month is good this time. He thought. No mood swings, no unecessary anger, no dramatic crying, nothing. I bet this will be a good month. He smiled to himself.

-After he kissed her, went out to buy some sweets, he came back to the castle. MC beamed and suddenly said "Awww Honey?? You bought this for me? That's so sweet of you..!"

-He was taken aback. "But you said- you didn't want-"

-Uh oh. She clenched her chin. She's quivering. She's-

-"*sniffs* YOU ARE SO INSENSITIVE I HATE YOU!!!!"

-"OOOOFFFF *COUGH*!!!!!" She had run and bonk her head onto his chest, making all the sweets fell from his grip at the same time. Then she run out, crying for Shingen, Kenshin, Yoshimoto, and Sasuke.

-*BAM* He K.O-ed on the floor. And not until 5 minutes, the so called warlords that his wife has cried for appeared.

-"Yyyuuuukkkkiiiii~~~??? Looks like you are still bad towards girls even though you are married huh~~?"

-He couldn't even say "ouch" when Shingen flicked his forehead, Kenshin sliced his middle hair with the help of Yoshimoto's guidance to make him look like those typical bald samurai. And Sasuke? He only kneel next to his bestfriend and whispered, "RIP Yukimura's handsome hair. Amen."

-He was left there. All alone. Yukimura with bald samurai hairstyle.... RIP indeed.

10. Sasuke

-He is all prepared.

-He even studied how to make Chocolate that haven't existed yet in Sengoku Era, specially made for his wife.

-He hugged MC when the cramp came like a wave, massaging her back, helping her to sit up to let her drink warm water.

-"Shhh.. You are not a living Pretzel, you are just having your period cramps."

-"No, you are not fat, you are beautiful."

-"How big is my love? I love you as big as the ocean."

-MC:....So it's smaller than the earth huh. *glares*

-Sasuke: *sweats* N-no that's not what I mean.

I mean.. I love you, as big as the whole universe.

-MC:.......TCH.

-Sasuke: *sweat sweat* What I mean is.

-MC: You can sleep in the ceiling tonight.

-(Let this nightmare end fast.. I want my cute and innocent MC back) *low sob*

DONE ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ Ah I'm sorry. No Kennyo in this (╥ω╥`). Hope you guys like it.

(I always wonder how the Woman in this era manage with their periods huh? (*・x・)/)

[rainbow-hatted1]

What Boredom looks like

1. You just opened up a web browser. What is the first site you visit?

https://www.reddit.com/r/interestingasfuck/

Yeah, that’s sort of my jam. Reddit in general but that is my go to.

vv more below if you wanna deep dive. vv

2. You just walked into a bookstore. What section do you go to first?

The local published section. If it’s a good bookshop they usually have one. Usually it’s poetry, or short essay compilations or local history books but I tend to like the offerings and you’re supporting people who don’t have a big platform yet.

Otherwise, comics and fantasy are my next first stops.

3. You are hanging with your closest friends. What are you most likely doing?

Lately, not much of anything. Arguing… not talking… depressing things.

Ideally, though, there’s a good meal. Either we’ve cobbled it together on our own or it’s a decent take out option and video/board games. Quidditch if it’s a nice day. Basically, where we can sit and bullshit and laugh a lot. That’s the best time with my mates.

4. You just turned your car on. What station is the radio tuned to?

The independent/alt/rock station. In spite making pop music myself I don’t listen to it a lot. Which is probably weird.

5. You have just woken up for the morning. What is the first things you do?

Try to go back to sleep.

6. Complete this phrase: You cannot buy happiness, but you can buy____.

Tacos

7. What would you do if you woke up as the opposite gender?

Probably touch my boobs entirely too much. Liz calls them boob checks… well, if they’re quick and random, this would probably be fondling.  I am ashamed of this answer but it’s likely what I’d do.

8. Are you more likely to cook for yourself or buy food from a restaurant?

I’m prone to laziness but I actually find cooking relaxing so cook for myself. Saves money too. It’s just a good practice to have in general.

9. If you had to lose one of your senses, which one would you rather lose?

Smell, probably. I enjoy food too much to lose taste. And between sight and hearing, I’d miss not having those senses and touch is just kind of important as a human being.  

10. If you could relive any one year of your life, how old would you be?

Dunno

11. Would you take a bullet for anyone you know?

A few someones

12. Would you rather be rich and dumb or poor and extremely intelligent?

Poor and intelligent. Better chances of bettering my situation with that one.

13. What TV character do you most relate to?

Sam Gardner from Atypical.

14. You just walked into a supermarket. What section do you first go to?

Produce. Yeah, you all thought I’d go for the bakery and desserts. Don’t lie.

15. Is sex before marriage wrong?

No. It’s human. So is waiting. It shouldn’t be as polarizing as it is. Sex is part of life and how you want to experience it is entirely up to you.

16. You just won the lottery. What is the first thing you do with your winnings?

Get a lawyer and not tell anyone I won. People get shitty when you have a lot of money. They expect you to make it rain and I wouldn’t. I’d also take the weekly installments. More money overall and you are far less likely to tank yourself with the winnings. Just saying.

17. If your best friend admitted that they have a crush on you, how would you react?

I would be awkward as fuck. Love him, not like that and he has a girlfriend so yeah… it’d be fucked up.

18. Will the USA ever have a female president?

At this point in time: no. Again, this is a polarizing question that shouldn’t be. A woman could run the country I’m not women in charge by that answer. Don’t read into it. I’m merely saying, that with the way the country appears to be currently they will not vote for that. I’m sorry. It’s stupid.

19. You are carpooling with your friends. Are you more likely to be the driver or a passenger?

Passenger. I don’t drive.

20. How short is too short for skirts and dresses?

I’m not ancient or wearing a skirt so I don’t think it matters, but I tend to prefer more modest options on girls.

21. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, without any consequences, what food would you choose?

Pizza.

22. It’s Saturday night. What are you most likely doing?

Sleeping.

23. You go on a blind date. Your date is extremely beautiful and physically captivating, but you hate their personality. Would you want a second date?

No.

24. How strict should gun laws be?

I think Australia had the right reaction to a massacre

25. Would you rather be the worst player on the best team or the best player on the worst team?

Best player on the worst team. Hopefully, they wouldn’t resent me and we could have a good 90’s style underdog story.

26. How well do you work with others?

Not well.

27. You have the ability to cure only one fatal disease and eradicate it forever. What disease do you choose?

I don’t want that power. Either way people are gonna die and wonder why I couldn’t cure all cancer or something else that’s just as bad…and inevitably another disease will surface that’s worse. There will always be disease even if we don’t like it.

28. If you could go back to college and choose a different degree to study, would you?

Well, considering I’m not in college yet I can still change my mind on that one, but I probably wouldn’t. Care of Magical Creatures but I haven’t zoned in on the specific avenue I want to go in that field yet.

29. Where do you see yourself ten years from now?

Er… traveling the countryside looking for magical creatures and documenting them in the wild. It’d be cool if my friends joined once in a while.

30. Are you pro-life or pro-choice?

Pro-choice isn’t anti-life, for fucks sake people.

31. Would you attend a same sex wedding if invited?

Yeah. If my mates fell in love and get married, I’m gonna be at the party regardless of sexes involved.

32. So far, what has been the greatest day of your life?

The first time HM played to a sold out crowd. That was pretty shocking. We’ve done it since and Nik has carried on doing it on his own but that day was scary and humbling and epic.

33. Has anyone you know ever been arrested?

Yeah, wrongly so but they saw what they wanted and went that’s our guy. Luckily, he didn’t get sent away for good.

34. If it could be one season year-round, what season do would you want it to be?

Fall. But like warm fall not close to winter fall. That fall sucks.

35. What is your biggest regret in life?

Saying such shit things about Anna and Charlie’s mum because I was mad at him. We’ve never recovered from it and it was a stupid in the moment blind rage bullshit thing I can’t ever take back.

36. If you could bring one celebrity back from the dead, who would it be?

John Lennon, probably. But the thing is, not everyone is upset their deaths were untimely. That’s more the livings problem than the dead, I’ve come to learn.

37. What offends you the most?

When people assume how I’m feeling. I’m not exactly easy to read, I know that, and I have a hard time wrapping my own head around my thoughts and feelings. So when I am feeling something and someone says I’m feeling another way because my face doesn’t wash with an emotion or my reaction doesn’t match like it allegedly should it’s really upsetting to me and just makes things worse.

38. Would you rather have an ugly hairstyle or be bald?

Do what you want. It’s just hair

39. At what age did you have your first alcoholic beverage?

16. Yeah, I think that’s right.

40. What do you think happens to us when we die?

Ideally, you move on to another plane. Kind of like a multiverse but one for endings. For a bit you can linger between the here as we know it and there but eventually you either stay and become a ghost or a poltergeist (which depends solely on your continued mental state on the matter of your death) but most move on beyond the veil.

41. What do you think is the best way to quit smoking?

I don’t know.

42. If you could take home any one animal from the zoo, which animal would you choose?

A bear of some sort. Polar, Grizzly, Black…. Whatever they’ve got. Not all zoos have the same bears.

43. Were humans created or did we evolve from earlier species?

I’m gonna go out and say something that pisses people off but I don’t see why it can’t be both. Something came out of nothing which is creating, right? The act of creating something is taking elements and making them something or straight up creating an element. What did that, I don’t know. But at one point there was a creation moment. From there everything on this planet has changed and adapted to the situations and surroundings they came into. Life is change, you don’t change you can’t survive. So both. Both sound right to me.

44. What scares you the most?

Losing everyone I care about… and bugs. Fuck bugs

45. What personality trait turns you off the most?

I hate when people play dumb.

46. You got offered a job to do something you hate, but the pay will make you rich. Do you take it?

No.

47. If today you only had what you were thankful for yesterday, how much would you have?

Sadly, not very much probably.

48. How often do you get mad or upset at yourself?

Everyday.

49. If you could choose one celebrity to be your parent, who would you choose?

I’ll keep my parents, thanks but to answer the question: Reign. At least I’d still have family.

50. If you could only listen to one musical artist for the rest of you life, who would you be listening to?

I would probably choose not to listen to music after a bit. I like variety and I’m not always in the mood for an artist of one flavor but the Beatles? At least their breadth of music is pretty wide.

51. Have you ever used you cell phone while driving?

No

52. Has anyone you were close to die way too young?

Yes.

53. Is world peace possible?

No, I don’t believe it is. It’d be great if it could be. There’s no reason for all this hate but people are always going to clash. We get on for a bit and then boom, it’s done. Peace is an impossibility but we should still strive for it regardless.

54. You go on a blind date. You date is extremely ugly and physically appalling, but you are madly in love with their personality. Would you want a second date?

I don’t know. I want to say yes, be that guy who doesn’t care. Looks really are not everything but ultimately, you should be attracted to your partner. If you aren’t it isn’t likely to work even if their personality is the most beautiful thing in the world.

55. How did you discover that Santa Claus isn’t real?

My little brother told me and I was devastated.

56. Do you believe in God, or some form of higher deity?

I honestly want to but I have a hard time wrapping my mind around how things can be the way they are if a loving god is out there watching us. I think the Futurama episode where Bender gets life on his ass is a great example of how my brain wants to look at it.

And then I read the Bible and get to stories like Zechariah and I’m just left thinking that guy probably had a stroke while praying and the rest is a coincidence.

57. If you could save someone you deeply cared about, but it meant breaking a law, would you do it?

Fuck yes. Without hesitation

58. What is the dumbest thing you’ve ever done for money?

Sold my soul for a sickle once.

59. If you were to make a YouTube video about what you know most about, what would the subject be?

Magical Creatures. I could go on for a very long time about that topic.

60. What do you think is your greatest personality flaw?

I’m rigid. I have a hard time shifting directions when I get going.

61. If your friends spoke to you the way you speak to yourself, would you still want them as friend?

I haven’t got many actual friends so maybe. Better than being alone, I suppose.

62. Have you ever “woke up like this”?

No one has ever “woke up like this”. It’s a lie. It’s always a lie. Even if they look good, that caption shows intent and planning: don’t fall for it.

63. You got offered a job to do something you love, but the pay is one of the worst out there. Do you take it?

If I really fucking love it, yes. But I’m also in a position where I can have a shit paying or no paying job and basically be fine.

64. What do you think is your best physical feature?

My lips?

65. What do you think is your worst physical feature.

My nose is big.

66. Do you know anyone who has committed suicide?

Not suicide no. But I know people who have considered it. Glad they didn’t follow through.

67. What is the nicest thing you’ve ever done for someone you don’t know?

I dunno. I have a habit of giving my bus ticket away if it still has time on it. I know it’s not much but as for random acts of kindness that weren’t really put on display for charities or a fluff news story, that’s the one I’ve got.

68. Have you ever had a night’s dream come true?

No, can’t say that I have.

69. Would you reject a date offer from someone you didn’t like?

yes

70. Which do you think is worse: Failure, or never trying at all?

This is one of those what I say is not really what I do things. I think the second is worse but I often freeze when it comes to choices like this. When I’m by myself: I freeze.

[acuaticamber06]

Have you ever had a bad haircut? One that destroyed your self-confidence for a long time and made you skittish of all haircuts? (Long, upset post ahead)

My mom loved for me to wear a hairstyle she called “The Wedge” when I was a kid. She thought it was cute. I thought it made me look like an idiot. Let me give you an example:

SHE looks great in it, but on me, it looked like I’d stuck my finger in an electrical socket. Mom also kept mine cut at a much sharper angle, like this:

It was bad enough to be teased for having curly, poofy hair in grade school, but to intensify the poof with a cut like that? It was torture, and it made every haircut a bad haircut for me. 

It’s emotional. It’s depressing. I’ve never liked myself to have anything other than long, curly hair, and the longer my hair was, the thinner my face looked. I’ve kept it that way for more than ten years.

The doctors warned me that people who get gastric surgeries done often get brittle hair or even hair loss. I’ve been diligent with my vitamins to avoid that, but it seems my body has different plans. I’m used to losing two nickel-sized balls of hair every morning; that was normal for me. Now I’m consistently losing three to four half-dollar-sized wads of hair each morning, and if I take a shower later, it happens again. Some of it is falling out at the root, and some of it is breaking off at random intervals along the hair. But the long and short of it is that I’m losing a lot of hair.

And my self-confidence is taking a nosedive.

If I have one vanity about my body, it’s my hair. I think curly hair looks good on me, and it matches my personality. It’s the only part of my body that I actually like...and I’m losing it. I’ve been in denial for weeks. I thought it would get better. But it’s easier to see my scalp through my hair now, especially in the light, and little whispy half-hairs keep tickling my face at night.

Outside of vitamin-enriched hair products (which I’m looking into), there’s one thing that seems to help hair like mine when it gets so brittle that it begins to break: a haircut. A full-on, 3-inches-off-at-least hair cut. Less weight on the hair means less stress on the root, and chopping off that much gets rid of the split ends that tangle so easily.

So I finally bit the bullet today and went to get my hair cut. And that’s when everything went to hell.

When I explained to the stylist that I didn’t want to cut it, but had to, the first thing she said was that I should get layers to make my new ‘do more fun and less of a punishment. I get where she was coming from, but layering my hair makes it ROUND. I don’t want my poofy hair to look round. I want it to hang straight down in curls, and it needs some length to do that. When I said no, she actually fought back with me, insisting that I try it.

I should have taken that as my warning sign and gotten up and left.

Look, lady, haircuts carry emotional scarring for me, and I am NOT about to let you turn my head into a basketball I have to live with for the next year. I agreed to a LITTLE shaping around my face, and she got to work.

Having curly hair, most of my mornings when I was a kid were tear-fueled nightmares of my mother trying to pull a brush through the bird’s nest on my head. It was painful, and I always cried.

This stylist started yanking her comb through my hair immediately. Even after I told her that my hair was BRITTLE and BREAKING, she was tugging through knots just like my mom did years ago. It wasn’t even a wide-toothed comb. Hair was pulling out of my head in actual clumps. I begged her to go more gently on my hair so that it wouldn’t break, which she verbally agreed to do, then completely ignored me.

She went on to say that she loved when curly-haired customers come in, because they never have sensitive scalps, and she doesn’t have to go as slowly as some customers make her do. Then she told me how, when her daughter was old enough, she started tugging and pulling on her hair so she wouldn’t grow up to be “a sensitive crybaby”. She even said that today, as a teenager, if her daughter ever asks her mom to do her hair, she pulls and tugs it on purpose so that the girl will change her mind and not ask again.

Guys, I hate confrontation, but I was actually crying at this point. Tears were falling out of the corners of my eyes the whole time she talked, and she said all of that AFTER I begged her to be gentler. My scalp is sensitive. It always has been. And she was treating me like I was her whiny daughter.

And also who the fuck does that to their child?!? Who causes them pain intentionally like that?!? I imagine doing my daughter’s hair to be a kind of bonding time, where I’m gentle and she tells me about her day while I braid it. At least, that’s what I’d like it to be if I ever have a daughter.

When she finished my hair, she tried to sell me a bunch of hair products, claiming they wouldn’t get hard and crunchy (which they totally did), but that part I was expecting. Then she handed me the mirror and turned me around.

I was braced for it to be short, but I wasn’t prepared for it to be lopsided. My left side was a solid inch longer than the right. I pointed this out, and the stylist said I was wrong. She flat out denied what I could plainly see. The back was shorter that the front, which I specifically asked her NOT to do. I wanted it to all be one length, and to go a little past my shoulders so it would sit just above my shoulders when it was dry. It was shorter than shoulder-length, and it was wet (meaning it would shrink considerably when it dried).

She completely ignored everything I wanted and did whatever the fuck she wanted to do, and then had the audacity to seem disappointed when I didn’t love it.

At that point, I was so fucking done. I got up, said no to buying hair products, paid and left. I will not go back. Hell, it might be another two years before I can dull the distress from this haircut to the point where I can sit through a trim again.

When I got home, I cried in the shower and washed the fuck out of my hair. Aggressively. That is really unusual for me. Lots of shampoo is bad for my curls because it sucks all of the oils out of it, which my hair needs to look less poofy. But I felt violated, in a way. I trusted that woman to do what I asked her to do with my hair, the only part of my body that I take any pride in whatsoever, and she completely ignored me. When she was hurting me, she called me a crybaby and ignored my tears. She did more damage to my hair than I do with daily combing and to my mental state than I ever could to myself if I had just trimmed it at home (which I have done before in a pinch).

I kept crying, even when my husband tried to cheer me up. I kept crying when he told me that he would love me even if I was bald. I kept crying when he offered to buy me my first cosplay wig so that I can finally begin to get into the hobby (even though we really can’t afford it right now). He was so sweet, but I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t help it. And I’m crying again as I type this.

Why is this affecting me so deeply? I know it’s just hair. I know it probably doesn’t look that bad. I know that it will grow. I know that when my body finally finds its new “normal”, the hair that was lost will come back. But the whole mess was so traumatic...

I feel shallow for feeling this way. What a first-world problem to have, right?

When I woke up from my emotionally-exhausted nap, I took a pair of scissors and tried to level out my left side so that it matched the right, but it still looks lopsided to me. There’s no way in hell that I’m going to pay another stylist $15 to trim up the mistake that bitch made and possibly make it worse, though. I probably won’t trust another stylist as long as we live here in Pennsylvania. I’ll just trim it at home as I need to.

Anyway, here’s the before shot (you can see how apprehensive I was. I was trying to smile but it really didn’t work):

And here it is now that it’s dry and styled with my own hair products:

Yikes...my eyes are still a little swollen. We’ll see how it looks on a super-poof day. It’s not perfect. The loose skin under my neck is more pronounced now that it’s shorter, and the front curls aside, one side is still a touch longer than the other, even after my attempt at a correction. I don’t feel good about any part of my body now.

Tomorrow I may feel more positive about it, but old habits are trying very hard to rear their ugly heads at the moment. I really want to eat my sadness away like I used to. They don’t call them comfort foods for nothing.

But I can’t. I absolutely cannot let myself slide back into that. It will destroy me. So tonight I’m just going to watch Jack’s videos and try to forget what happened.

Maybe putting PMA back on my wrist would help...

[sarahaltmanposts]

Delayed Reaction

March 4, 2019

Have you ever been driving and when you get to your destination, you can’t remember the actual drive?  Or sometimes during my morning workout I’ll complete a set of exercises and ten seconds later not remember that I’d actually done them.  Well, I’m coming up on a year since I discovered that lump in my breast, and for the life of me (ha!) the past eleven months is a complete blur.   And it seems that all the thoughts, feelings and experiences that I moved through, but didn’t have the time to process are now plowing over me like an avalanche.

A little catch up- Although my PET Scan in December came back clear, a few weeks later I found another lump in my breast.  Having had a bilateral mastectomy, it shouldn’t be anything, right?  Always wanting to avoid overreacting,  I hesitated contacting my doctor.  But after about two weeks of feeling the thing, I sent my Surgical Oncologist an email asking if it’s anything I should be concerned about.  Her call the next morning requesting to see me right away answered that question.  

An ultrasound could not determine what the lump is.  Yes, it could be scar tissue or dead fat cells from the grafting that was done during my reconstruction, but the radiologist could not be conclusive.  So they decided to ‘watch me very closely’ and follow this lump to make sure it’s not another tumor.  I’ll go back for another ultrasound in a  month or so.

Getting back to ‘normal’ also meant resuming my regular skin checks with my Dermatologist. Having had several skin cancers in the past, all treatable with a few snips and stitches, my Dermatologist and I are buddies. But at this appointment, he was different.  Now that I’m post- breast cancer, he suddenly become over vigilant.  He did a much more thorough skin check than before that resulted in discovering a lump at my lymph node by my pelvis.  (Who knew we even had lymph nodes there?!!!) He had never even examined those lymph nodes before.  So when he solemnly asked “So, uh… when’s the next time you’re going to see your Oncologist?” it’s was all I could do to avoid laughing.  Not a humorous situation, but, are you kidding me? So yeh, I sent off another email to my Surgical Oncologist and we both decided this one could wait to be examined at my next check up in a month.  

At this point in time, I’m kinda thinking that if we keep digging deep enough, we’re gonna find some stuff.  And shit, I’m just kind of done.

Back to the avalanche.

I’m on my third month of taking hormone blockers and I think they’re messing with me.  This shows up for me in a couple ways.  First, my bones are really achy.  When I go to stand after sitting for a while, I walk like an old lady.  And second, I’m experiencing an exaggerated version of PMS, where I become overly irritable, followed by some deep sadness.  It’s not really depression, but more a lack of joy…in everything.  

Warning- rant to follow.

I am no longer bald- that’s something to celebrate, right?  I should be grateful. And I am… but….My hair is coming back darker and curlier than it was before.  And I’m not really enjoying the growing out process.  And if one more person tells me how cute my hair style is, I may just scream.  Yes, I know people are well-intentioned.  And heck, I may have made the same kind of remark to someone I’d seen going through this process.  But for me, it’s just a sad reminder of what I’ve just gone through.  This is not a hairstyle I’ve chosen. I did not go to the salon and ask for a pixie haircut.  This strawberry blonde, curly mess growing is not by choice.  Some days I feel like Little Orphan Annie!  And as much as I wanted to play Annie as a child, nowadays it just gets me angry. I miss my light blonde hair.  I miss having longer hair.  I miss having a warm head!    

And then there’s my boobs.  I miss them too.  MY boobs.  The ones I had before surgery.  Because the ones I have now- they don’t feel like mine.  They don’t look like mine.  And honestly, they don’t even look that great.  Don’t get me wrong, the plastic surgeon did a wonderful job.  But because my boobs pre-surgery were kinda saggy, I would’ve had to go up several sizes to fill the skin and I just didn’t want to do that.  As a result, my boobs have lots of dimples and indentations in them now and the shape just looks unnatural to me. And they don’t feel great. Sometimes they hurt.  It’s just another reminder.  

Piled on top of all this anger is a boatload of guilt.  I’m reminded of how lucky I am.  I have my life. The treatments worked. My health insurance, for the most part, was amazing at helping us handle the cost of the financial toll of this disease.  And my body has mostly rebounded from the year’s events.  So with all of that in mind, all these challenging feelings seem indulgent.  There’s a voice always whispering, “Sarah, come on now.  How dare you?  You should be feeling unending gratitude.”  So every experience of anger, sadness or frustration is followed by tremendous guilt.  And there’s an aching thought that somehow I ’should’ be doing more with my life; that my life as a Mom to these amazing boys, running our household, it just isn’t enough. It’s not a positive whisper, one that encourages me to do more.  It’s more of a very judgmental side of myself, criticizing and nagging; as if saying, “This is what your life was saved for?”

So yeh, there’s a lot going on in my head these days.  And little things trigger me.  Recently I saw a story on facebook about a guy who ‘cured’ his cancer by eating raw.  First of all, yay for him. But secondly, shit.  Really?  Here’s my inner monologue reacting to this story:  “Wow, so more evidence that eating raw is good for you and may even CURE cancer?  I’m not eating raw.  I’m not enjoying eating very much at all lately.  But when I do eat, it’s not raw.  Right now, it’s carb and sugar heavy because I’m f-ing sad all the time.  Great. So now, I’m not only hurting my body by not sustaining it with healthy food choices, but I’m inviting cancer to come right back in.  Way to go, Sarah.”  And then it turns to:  “F-ck that!  If I fought so hard to stay alive, I should be able to eat whatever I want!  And f that guy for implying that by not eating raw, I’m welcoming cancer back!”   OK- I know that guy wasn’t really implying that. He was just sharing his story.  Again, yay for him.  But clearly, there’s still lots of anger and guilt present for me.

“Waaa, waaa, waaa.  Quit your bitching and moaning. Stop indulging yourself and shake it off,” says my inner voice.  

And then I learned that this whole thing I’m going through…it’s not uncommon.  In fact, most cancer survivors experience a period of time when they process the trauma of, well, getting cancer and going through treatment and surviving.  And for me, this part is much harder than the actual treatments.  When I was going through treatments, there was a plan to follow and it kept me on track.  Now, going through this, it’s ambiguous and wrought with traps, reminding me how I should be grateful, when all I’m feeling is sad. And I’m a bit angry that there wasn’t a warning about this part of recovery and no courses on how to navigate this post-cancer phase.  

And if I’m being totally honest and transparent, which is all I know how to be, I’m a bit angry that the support that was so abundant during my treatments has all but disappeared.  People congratulate me now, like the whole cancer thing is done, I’ve crossed the finish line, mission complete.  Unlike the loving compassion I received from friends when I shared my cancer diagnosis, now when I share my sadness and difficult feelings, my friends just nod and suggest therapy, anti-depressants, or finding my passion.  These are great ideas and ones that I’ve utilized in the past, but right now, they’re just not resonating. But I understand my well intentioned friends. Sitting with someone in sadness is not easy  or something we’re taught. We naturally want to help someone feel better. I get it.

Another tactic is reminding myself that there are so many people who are experiencing so much worse than me. But this can be tricky because while I understand that notion intellectually, my own sad feelings remain the same and joylessness persists.  And then guilt creeps back in and compounds the situation.   So ultimately, my training has taught me that avoiding my feelings, or masking them with drugs or busyness, will not lead me to radiant health.  Sometimes, you just have to go through it, you know?

So it seems I’m in mourning for my pre-cancer life.  And It may just take a bit of time for me to adjust to this new life of mine.  One with achy bones, strange, awkward boobs and cancer still dangling over my head.  

So please bare with me, dear reader, as I go through my stuff.  More rants may follow.  And hopefully, as I continue to work through all of this,  these feelings will lift.  

I ask for grace, compassion and understanding.  No need to solve this for me, but I welcome a hug, a loving nod, or a wink- you know, the kind that Samantha used to give to Carrie, reassuring her she had her back.  And I hope…I really hope, I can find my joy again.

In loving,

Sarah

[sawthingsiimagined]

A New Me - 2

We Can’t Be Friends

JACE

It felt like old times. I was so happy. Here we are again at a Diner the night before I open for the musical sensation Miguel. It was reminiscent of the night I shared the first time I met my crew the night before our first show with the superstar pop group SASSY. This time I knew most of the crew and over the last 2 days had grown to enjoy the new additions. I was both nervous and excited about opening for Miguel. I had grown to love his music a couple of years back and won’t lie, his music made me think sexual thoughts. I was anxious to see him perform his music live and prayed that my set was impressive to the fans since I would be the first act they would experience the night of his show. Talking to my grandad, the Bishop, and my parents back home reassured me that things would be fine. They informed me that they wouldn’t be able to attend the first show, as they did when Jada and I performed our first show on the SASSY tour but the assured me they would attend a show soon. I understood because Jada was currently dealing with her pregnancy news and grandpa was still recovering from his heart attack. 

The seating chart at the table reminded me so much of the night I joined my crew at the diner and had my first drink, as well as first drunken night. I didn’t plan to get as drunk as I did that time but I was definitely planning on celebrating. My music was great, the show was going to be great, I felt great and I looked great. I was growing more confident being alone on the road without my sister. This solo gig may just work in my favor. I was wearing some grey-washed, skinny jean shorts with an oversized marble colored tank top and some white Yeezy Boosts. I had cut the sides of my hair and let the top grow back out longer than my previous haircut. My hair was in a slick man-bun and I was definitely feeling myself. Beside me was TJ, my bro who was currently drunk and talking loud as ever, on the other side of me was my new assistant Ashley, Mona’s niece who was a gorgeous girl with squinty eyes, soft copper skin tone and a stylish short hairstyle. She was a little tomboyish but in a very chic way that accented her shape and feminine features. Also at the table was my new stylist, Bryson a very attractive guy with a weird sense of fashion. He had about 6 piercings and tattoos along his neck and the sleeve of his arm. He was Dominican and bilingual, rocking a goatee with a mustache that complimented his full pink lips and slick bald head that made him look like a trendsetter. I was excited to learn a lot from him about being myself and embracing who I really was. The band also came to dine with me and across from me was...him. Demarion really knocked the wind out of me in ways I couldn’t prepare for me. A part of me wishes I would have suggested more ladies be a part of the crew. All of these males working for me really played with my imagination especially since they behaved as if they were indebted to me. Still, no one mattered on this crew like Demarion did. He was wearing a vintage, navy Atlanta Braves baseball jersey which he left the top four buttons unbuttoned to expose his chest and top set of abs. He also was wearing a fitted cap that covered his eyes, although I could still see them. We made a lot of eye contact sitting at the table. He had grown a beard since we started rehearsing for the new tour. It was something about the jet black color of the hair on his face that contrasted against his chocolate colored skin that made me want to risk it all. At this point, I had admitted that I was VERY attracted to him. I still hadn’t identified with gay, bi or curious. I wasn’t quite aware what each label meant and didn’t want to disrespect either group until I gained proper knowledge. As far as I was concerned I didn’t need a label to tell me that I wanted him. After 2 shots and 2 rounds of 1800 Tequila and pineapple juice, I felt I not only wanted him but I needed him. 

We finished our meals and I paid everyone’s tab thanking them for all of the hard work that I trusted that would deliver for the tour. Everyone jumped in the Mercedes Sprinter that was loaned to us by Miguel so we could all travel together around the city. No sooner as we pulled away from the diner everyone dozed off. The alcohol was definitely was working on us. I fought hard to stay awake. Demarion sat in front of me I noticed that he was still awake so I shot him a text message. I changed my name in his phone so no one would know who he was texting if they happened to see his phone. My name his phone was Dream. His name in my phone was an emoji of the snare drum. 

MY TEXT : “My room or yours? I don’t want to sleep alone tonight. I’m anxious”

I saw him jump as he felt his phone vibrate. It was so cute to see him speedily reply after he knew it was me. 

DEMARION’S TEXT: “I’ll come to your room. I didn’t clean up haha”

It’s funny that we text ‘lol’ and ‘haha’ and don’t be laughing. I didn’t even see him laugh but I understood. He lived out of suitcase and usually had clothing items thrown all over his hotel room. 

MY TEXT: “Thanks my friend”

I noticed he titled his head to the side and stared into space. I checked my message to see if I said something wrong. I didn’t see an error. 

The sprinter pulled into the hotel and once parked everyone immediately piled out, Demarion leading the way. Before I could step out the door closed in front of me also slamming on my leg. I looked through the window and saw Demarion talking to Walter, our driver/audio guy. I tried to open the door but it was locked. I was about to get annoyed because I figured they forgot about me and I just bought all of them food. I was too drunk for the shenanigans. I suddenly noticed Demarion hopping in the front seat and cranking up the ignition. 

“Um.. excuse me. Where are we going?” I said with a confused attitude. 

He looked at me through the rearview mirror with a serious face. 

“I want to take my Friend somewhere is that cool,” he replied with a flat tone. 

“Man I didn’t mean anything by that,” I said noticing that’s what offended him about my text. I sat back in my seat and he pulled into traffic. We road in silence for about 15 minutes until we pulled into the loading dock of the auditorium where we’d be performing tomorrow. I was confused. The place was a ghost town. The trucks that carried our tour gear were parked outside but everyone had retreated to the hotel for the night. Demarion parked and jumped out the car. I sat up waiting to see what he was about to do. He opened the back door and climbed inside.

“Scoot over,” he said. 

Without putting up a fuss I obliged but I’d be the one with the next demand. 

“What are we doing. I thought we were going to go to bed in my room. No one..,” I said before he broke my next statement with a kiss. He thrust his tongue into my mouth. He slightly broke the kiss and begin talking to me in begin kisses. 

“You were right. A pretty boy like you has probably had experiences kissing your friends. That’s all we’ve done is share a kiss. But I don’t want to be your friend. I want to be your man. So I wanted to show you the difference real quick. If you let me,” he said in a low whisper tone. It felt like we were in a movie. I was speechless. I could still taste the alcohol on his breath. He had been drinking Hennesy but Demarion never seemed to be drunk so I knew he wasn’t in this moment. He was fully functioning. 

I reached in and kissed him deeply. As if he didn’t like it, he pushed me on my back causing me to lay on the seat. He lifted my legs and reached for the button and zipper of my shorts. 

OMG! I was not ready for this. I’m not going to lie, I wanted him but I was a virgin and I’ve never expressed that to him. I had never been with a guy or girl but I knew what sex with both parties entailed. I was not ready. However, for some reason, I couldn’t put up much of a fight. I let him pull down my shorts followed by navy blue H&M boxer briefs. He reached down and kissed me. 

“Demarion,” I said with my hands on his chest, “I’ve never done this before.”

“So. Neither have I. But I want to with you. Bad,” he said with an evil grin that lit my insides on fire. I don’t know how to do anything but I was going to figure it out. 

He began kissing me on my neck and lifted my tank making a trail with his tongue down to my belly button. I squirmed trying not to make any noises. In all of my years, I had never been touched like this. My private area was hard as a brick. I had never been harder. Before I knew it, he grabbed my thighs from underneath, pulling my knees apart. He lifted my legs high and I clenched my eyes shut to prepare for what I expected to be painful. However, I remembered he still had his jeans on. Next thing I knew he buried his head in between my legs using his tongue to spread my cheeks apart. Afterward, I completely understood what Jhene Aiko meant when she said: “eat the booty like groceries”. At this point, I could no longer hold in my moan. I breathed heavy and let out a moan. That made him go crazy. He started using his tongue faster. I grabbed my privacy to keep it from hitting him on the top of his head. I could no longer feel my toes. He slapped my hands down so they would fall beside me. Without letting up, he started stroking my manhood, slowly and I knew then that I wouldn’t survive the night. No one had EVER touched that area besides me and my mom when she changed my diaper as a baby. I breathed harder and harder trying to contain myself. I felt myself about to climax but I tried to avoid it so I wouldn’t spill my liquid on him. That would be weird. He made the mistake by talking.

“Your friends do this shit to you? Huh? ” he asked him between strokes of his tongue and hand. 

I tried to answer but words wouldn’t leave my throat. 

“So you gonna let me be your man Jace? You gonna let a nigga be your man baby?” he asked a little more aggressive and louder than the last question. 

I managed to find words. “Yea MAN!” I screamed. Before I knew it I climaxed, shooting my load onto the top of his Nike fitted cap and on his hand. I immediately felt embarrassed I had never climaxed so hard. I start shaking involuntarily and he pulled up and leaned down burying his face in my neck while I grabbed on to him. 

“You like that? I ain’t your friend. I’m your man. You got that?” he asked.

Exasperated I answered “Yes.”

He laid on top of me for a few minutes and I felt tears swell in my eye. What did this mean? My heart was beating fast and all I wanted to do was lay here all night. I knew that we would have to leave but I felt something deep for this guy. What should I do? We sat at the arena another hour and he told me how infatuated he was with me and how he wanted to protect me and be the man of my dreams. Only thing is that I never really dreamed of a man but I told him we could attempt to try this together. He would be my first. My first sexual encounter, first boyfriend and possibly first love. I was terrified.

“Oh and I’m sorry for cursing. I know you don’t like that. But just had to let you know I ain’t your lil’ friend,” he said. We both burst into laughter. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We Can’t Be Friends

JADA

It was rather ironic that I was sitting at the airport gate waiting for my flight to board and listening to Adele belt her hit song “Hello”. I was headed to surprise Jace for his first show. I told him that wouldn’t be able to make it because of pregnancy issues but I really wanted to be there for my brother. Besides, the only pregnancy issue I was having is that I didn’t know who the baby’s daddy was. I texted Ernest earlier that day and he agreed to meet me back in Augusta at the end of the week. He seemed to be rather calm about the whole ordeal which caught me off guard because he never expressed interest in me besides my legs being wrapped around his waist. 

I watched the people deboard the plane that I was about to get on. Luckily the flight was not delayed. I caught Spirit flight for cheap and every knows Spirit is notorious for cancellations and delays. I had just realized that I had Adele’s song on repeat when I heard her sing the intro to  “Hello” for the third time. It was at that moment that I noticed him. Q walked off the plane. My heart fell to my feet. He didn’t notice me. I really wasn’t 100% sure that it was him but I gathered my things to get a closer look. He was wearing a gray bomber jacket with gray joggers. He looked rather normal. His sunglasses gave me the impression that he was incognito and I didn’t see anyone with him. I started to second guess myself even more as I followed him closely a few feet away from the gate. I was a silly hoe but not a stupid hoe. I know who I gapped these legs open for. I may don't know his mom’s name but I knew what he looked like. 

I decided to tap him on the shoulder when I was a few inches away from him. Startled he turned around with a frown on his face. It quickly softens when he recognized me. 

“Jada!” he said loudly as if he had seen a ghost. He grabbed my hands and I pulled away. He could tell I was upset.

“Let me explain,” he said.

“You have 5 minutes because my plane is leaving,” I said with my hand on my hip and the neck roll of every woman on Love and Hip Hop when they do their confessional interviews. 

“I’ve been calling you. I told Jace to let you know,” he said. 

“You what? Wait. You talked to Jace?” I asked. 

“Yes briefly. Look do you trust me?” he asked. 

“HELL NO NIGGA! HELL YOU MEAN?” I shrieked. I was almost embarrassed at my reaction but this boy almost had me killed and then went ghost on me and now I may be pregnant with his baby. What is trust? 

“Look come with me. Where are you going? I can get you another flight,” he pleaded. I could tell by his eyes that he was desperate. I looked back at my gate watching passengers board and without thinking it through I waved my hand in the direction he was headed to signal that I would go with him. I take it back. I am a stupid hoe. 

We go to the pickup area and I notice one of his crew members standing outside of a black truck. We both get inside. Once we were inside he reached over and hugged me and I begin hitting at him. Tears filled my eyes. He grabbed my hands. 

“Baby! I’m sorry,” he said. “There is so much that happened. There’s so much I didn’t want to introduce you to so fast dealing with me. Look I’m not these other rap niggas out here. I’m street. Real street. So you have to understand, these clothes, my jewelry, and these cars.... that’s the most glamorous shit about me,” he said looking me directly in my eye. 

I started bawling and laid my head in his lap. “I was so worried Q. I didn’t know what to do,” I said in between sobs. 

“To the W,” he said to the driver.

“I know baby. I’m gonna make it up to you. I swear,” he said running his fingers through my hair.

We rode the rest of the way to the hotel in silence. I had driven my car to Atlanta to catch a flight from here to meet up with my brother. Q was the last person I expected to see. Luckily the show wasn’t until tomorrow night so it was possible that I could still make it to support him. 

Once we got to the hotel we went immediately to his room. When we walked in Q went straight the bathroom shutting the door behind him. I sat on the bed and contemplated how I was going to tell him that I was possibly carrying his baby. After a few minutes I heard the shower turn on. ‘This nigga didn’t even say give me a few minutes or nothing’ I thought to myself. A few more minutes went by and I heard him call my name. I called back but he didn’t say anything. I walked to the bathroom door and opened it. He was standing in the middle of the bathroom naked with steam floating around him like he was in some kinky music video. A part of me was turned on and a part of me wanted to slap him for thinking he could whip out the dick and all would be forgotten. But I had something in store for him. 

I looked at him and rolled my eyes.

“Come shower with me. I just got out of jail and hopped on the first flight leaving for Atlanta. I came here to hide for a few days until the press dies down. A nigga feels dirty. Come help me get clean,” he said grabbing his leg....and by leg I mean the tree trunk of a dick between his legs. I felt my nipples harden and my garden moisten. I took off my clothes and proceeded to join him in the shower. 

“Q you know I was almost killed messing around with you?” I asked sincerely. 

“Yes, I know. And they were looking for you after the fact as well to try and get back at me. But I got you. Ok?” he said. I scoffed. 

“I said OK?” he repeated himself.

“I’m not a damn child,” I said pushing away from him. 

“You’re not a child. Because if you were I wouldn’t be able to do this,” he said reaching from behind me palming one of my breasts and using another hand to find the gateway to heaven between my legs. I was sold. “But you are my baby,” he said in my ear before taking it in his mouth. I let out a soft moan while he fingered me. The warm water running over my body stimulated me more. Before I could think further, he inserted himself inside of me from behind. It had been a while since I had sex so it hurt in a pleasureable way. He enjoyed how tigh I was becuase I could hear him trying to surpress his moans. He picked up my right leg to help balance himself and to give me the death stroke. I literally felt like my soul was leaving my body. If it was possible he would possibly get me pregant again tonight.

I thought about how much I wanted to understand him and how I really would rather him be the father of my child more than Ernest. Before I knew if he grabbed my hair and begin growling. I knew he had climaxed. For the first time having sex with him I did not. My mind must have been elsewhere. I pullled away from him and used a towel to lather soap and begin washing our bodies. He kissed me in between wipes and told me that I was his Queen and shit. He also excused himself for climaxing so fast. Something about him not jerking off because he had been in jail and the sight of me made him horny. Eye roll. 

I decided to wait until the morning to tell him the news. It was already late so I knew that there were no more departing flights but I was for sure getting on a plane to see my brother at Q’s expense. He flew out on me, I’m going to fly out on him. 

[firsttimesinceaugust]

Jacob’s Ladder - Halfway Home

Originally published March, 1998

It’s funny how your tastes and preferences change as you get older.  I have mellowed considerably with the onset of middle-age.  There, I said it.  I’m 38, for Pete’s sake, so I figure I’m pretty much halfway home.  There is one school, made up mostly of people with blinds on, who believe middle age starts around 50.  Sure, like most of us are going to make it to 100.  If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

Your interests do change though as age progresses.  Back in my younger days, I spent weekends hiking and taking pictures of wildlife and such. These days, leisure time is at a premium, but if I was not so busy, I would love nothing more than to sit on my rear end and watch Coronation Street for two hours every Sunday morning.  I just love it.  I have the same interests as the queen now.  What can be next?  Curling? Lawn bowling?  Depends, I suppose…

Going out on the town holds little appeal.  All that cigarette smoke, and bad music played at such volume.  That is what I picture hell as being like, except in hell, there will be no drinking.  So actually, going to a club sounds worse than hell.  Why would I subject myself to that?  These days my idea of substance abuse is drinking Eno just for the hell of it. You can’t keep a bottle of that stuff around here.  One glass is too many, a thousand is not enough.

Like most guys my age, my tastes have gravitated towards brown, and all of my clothes would fit into a woodland setting quite nicely.  There is nothing I wear that clashes with mud.  I still give little thought to planning my wardrobe.  As long as my feet are dry and my unspeakables are covered, I’m ready to go to town.  And I give no thought to trying to look younger than I am.  That would only make me the target of ridicule for people who really are young and find nothing funnier than some older dude trying to look hip like them.  It is youth itself that is hip, and Leonard Cohen is the only guy I can think of who looked better at 50 than he did at 19.  Is there another man on the face of the Earth who could look like James Dean while peeling a banana?

One of the major preoccupations for guys at my stage of life is their hair.  I know one guy who has so many cans of thickening agents that there is a hole in the ozone layer directly above his house.  And then there are guys, the poor, meek souls who dye their hair because of a few greys.  I have dozens of them in my beard.  Makes me look well beyond my years.  But do I run out like a frightened rabbit and purchase dyes and special creams to hide them? You kidding me?  I pluck them.  It costs nothing, there’s no mess, and the acute pain is character building. I have not changed my hair style since 1968, and even if I had a hankering to do so, what would I do?  Get a perm?  This also happens to guys.  We settle on a hairstyle at some point in our young lives and then keep it forever.  There are some exceptions though, like the guys who eventually grow their hair an inch and half on one side and six inches on the other with none in the middle.  This explains why men pay more attention to the weather as they grow older. The more wind in the forecast, the larger the dab of bear grease on the noggin.  It’s easy for me to laugh at bald guys.  I possess a mop so thick that my greatest fear is not that I will lose my hair, but rather that as I grow senile, small woodland creatures will take up residence up there and store nuts in my ears.  Never mind hair-thickening agents, I’ll be looking for rabies shots in my golden years.

Oh well, I still feel young, and I never worry about getting older.  I just complain more often about taxes.  When I find myself playing lawn darts in white shoes, I’ll know that the writing is on the wall.  Until then, I never met a glass of Eno I didn’t like.