#basically in a state of grief over the fact that I have to experience grief

[stuckinapril]

Idk if this is a me thing but sometimes I feel like I’m in a constant state of forestalling grief. Scared that I might lose someone, scared that something might end, scared what I’d do if it did end. I have to be extremely intentional to live in the moment & not consider the long-term consequences of truly immersing myself in something or someone, for the undeniable fact that all things have an end. I wish this was a thing my brain chemistry accepts, but it really does fuck w me every now and then. Sometimes it feels like no moment will feel better than the current one, and that’s one of the most bittersweet things ever

[cowardlybean]

Hey. The Times They Are A Changin’ by @bandtrees and @tigsbitties amiright (muffled face down on the floor)

more (some unsettling things) beneath the cut :3

(Image 3 is my favorite sequence from an animation for TTTAAAC I’ve been working on, so here it is just in case I never finish </3, image 4 is me thinking about Mob’s house. If. That makes sense.)

OH MAN. OH MAN OH MAN. this fic has altered my brain chemistry in a way that has doctors baffled and leaves tragedy in its wake!!!!!!!!! Absolutely a masterpiece I’ve reread it 3 times now and every time I notice a new detail, there’s just SO MUCH CARE put into it. I think I could write an essay about every page of this fic LMAO it honestly blows me away, huge kudos to everyone who was a part of the project!!!!

Especially the multimedia aspects, they were so much fun to find and in some cases decode (Scared the SHIT outta myself with Breathe I think it’s one of my favorites). the youtube videos were so cool as well

Realizing a third of the way in that things will never get better was such a gut wrenching experience, and by the time I realized just how deep the hole Mob dug himself into was it was absolutely too late for anything to happen (the end of act 1 was horrific in the most amazing way. So many things stuck with me: the state Reigen was left in compared to how he was, Ritsu’s “surgery”, Dimple losing his best friend, Shou’s report to the police, Minori’s conversation (if you can call it that) with Mob?? Bone. Chilling.

One of the parts that has been sitting in my gut is Reigen’s fall, where he starts to ramble through fragments of old times. I genuinely thought he was calling out to Mob until just as the same time Mob did I recognized the words and it hit me like a HAMMER. I don’t know how to put it into words but Reigen rambling on like a broken record tore me apart, and then it gets WORSE. I only realized on my second read that the intro of the fic. (Correct me if I’m wrong) IS REIGENS PERSPECTIVE OF MOB SEVERING HIS TENDONS???? Holy fuck. Holy FUCK. The vague semblance of consciousness written there is so deeply unsettling I’m absolutely OBSESSED with it. ESPECIALLY THE FACT THAT EVEN IN THAT STATE HE STILL WANTS MOB TO BE HAPPY (the cheer ^^ mob bit) and idk if I’m interpreting right (this is gonna be so embarrassing if I’m not) but him recognizing the filthy jacket as well. Taking me OUT. AND. AND THE FACT REIGEN NEVER SPEAKS AGAIN AFTER THAT?????? (I could be wrong oops)

The mental states of every character in the fic are written so chillingly well. I can understand how Mob spirals, the anger and grief Tome feels, Shou's spite and anger, Teruki's conflict, Dimple's loss of his best friend, Serizawa's waning optimism, I can't name every character in this fic but they are ALL characterized so well. There's no needless conflict that make them OOC, there's a reason behind every little tragedy building upon themselves and creating a giant disaster that deeply affects the entire cast. Not to mention how its not just the loss of Reigen and Ritsu, but the loss of Mob too. If they were to have died on impact, its unsettling to think that things may have turned out better than this.

There’s a lot of things I wanna say that would basically be restating the fic (dimple losing his best friend, teru shaving, and the irony of ritsu’s powers being taken away by mob) so instead of writing 20 more paragraphs I’ll ask some questions I’ve been mulling over (ofc yall don’t have to answer if it’s revealing too much or smth)

Does Mob actually end up getting investigated or arrested? The formatting of the social media posts and texts makes them seem as if they're evidence and so does the ongoing "interview?" with Shou throughout the fic

In the party, is Reigen saying he doesn't like citrus a reference to the lemon sour :eyes:

I'm probably missing something but im curious about the metaphor around Reigen and a stray cat (hair clinging to Mob's clothes, comparing him to a stray cat finding a place to die, comparing him to a cat outside Serizawa's door)

If I'm not wrong and the "glitchy" sections at the beginning and end of the fic are Reigen and Ritsu's povs respectively, is their mind constantly like that or is it just in the specific circumstances where they have a small burst of consciousness?

last (thats a lie im definitely drawing more fanart in the future) but not least, some notes from when I was re-reading

[pianostarinwonderland]

Hi there! I really liked your post on Chapter 7 and Malleus's actions!

Gotta admit I was one of those people whose initial reaction to Chapter 7 part 2 & 3 was "Malleus divorce era", mostly because of the copious amounts of "Malleus is the physical manifestation of every abusive and obsessive boyfriend they talk about in trauma group therapy" takes I've seen over the past 3 years in the tags messing with my perception of how bad the canon situation actually is but I came around eventually.

One thing that really stands out to me is how, in the first part of Chapter 7, Malleus made the active choice to be a good person and do the right thing. He shut down Silver and Sebek and said "If that's what Lilia decided, then we have no right to stop him" and when he reflects on that time he froze the castle over it's clearly visible he, at that point, has no intention to do something like this again. He has learnt 0 coping strategies for these kinds of situations and he has a week (which is like, a blink of an eye for fae especially) to adjust to the loss of one of his closest loved ones. Most of us find a way to deal with grief in some way because we're powerless in the face of it and the only way is through it but I've seen my fair share of very mentally ill people and grieving loved ones and I can name a handful of people I could see pull this off if they had god-like magical powers. Right now, Malleus's idea of what the immediate future was going to be like is radically clashing with a (to him) infinitely worse outcome that his brain has a week to adjust to, so he snaps.

He's basically the "insanely op magic" equivalent of someone with a loved one suddenly ending up on their death bed and they're told "you have about 5 days to say goodbye to them" so they start suggesting all kinds of insane surgeries and hire a mystic healer who advertises they can cure cancer with crystals and call all kinds of specialized hospitals around the world because they can't process the fact that that person is gonna go no matter what. That's the mental state Malleus is in right now even if Lilia probably isn't gonna immediately die in a couple weeks, but there's still a very real possibility Malleus is never going to see him again.

[Reply to this post!]

i am so sorry that i'm only getting to this now :,3 woohoo end of year spring cleaning

also when i finally found the post that was being responded to, i was reading it and i wanted to cringe so bad. it could have been written better :,3 i'm glad you guys liked it though!

on the first long ask, honestly anon, you nailed it really well. i don't really have much to say because yeah... yeah malleus has never learned to properly cope with grief and loneliness. much of it is due to the way he was raised and the lack of social interaction especially prevents him from getting to experience enough and thus hindering his learnings. and you're right. a week is too much to really process for someone like him. it's hard.

and i'm pretty sure lilia is very well aware of this, so it brings to question why he's in a hurry to leave. which in itself supports the current theory going around that he's not actually leaving for retirement, he's leaving because the senate demanded him to.

for the second ask, weelllll not everyone got to understand malleus' extremities, either due to not reading properly or not getting to read his stories at all. and that's how things went bam during the second part of book 7.

[missanthropicprinciple]

There is so much going on in this short scene. I can’t stop thinking about it.

Max has observed that Oskar is desperate to solve a case, perhaps thinking that Oskar is insecure. But after they visit the cemetery Max has finally figured out the root of Oskar’s sadness and restlessness. I can’t blame Max for his fascination and satisfaction at discovering what he feels and knows to be true about this man. This is I think where Max the analyst and Max the friend meet, the intersection of study and caring, when we come to Max’s motivation as a person to help people. Yes, he is fascinated by human nature in a detached way, but he is also very keen to help people. In this scene he is moved by Oskar’s restrained emotion and is struggling not to show emotion, struggling to remain the analyst. I also think that Max wasn't expecting to hear about a child's death. In his profession sympathizing or showing intense emotion is discouraged and I would say the same is true today. But Max can no longer maintain a professional distance because their relationship is not one of patient and therapist. This is partly due to Oskar’s honesty about his feelings.

Oskar is not going to spare anyone’s feelings; he’s going to protect himself. I sympathize with Oskar. He values the fact that Max has noticed his grief when most people likely haven’t, but he is also on the defensive, and rightly so. It’s an insult to be dissected when you don’t want to be, particularly when you're grieving. Oskar did not ask to be psychoanalyzed. He has not consented to be picked apart because he did not ask for help. He desires understanding. He states that he does not want to be “dissected”. When you’re grieving a loved one the last thing you want is someone coldly picking at your brain like you’re a specimen. When you’re grieving you are both your basic self and not yourself at all. You are diminished; your senses are heightened and yet you are numb as well. Oskar just wants to work. He’s clearly still in a lesser period of shock. As you grieve you experience many, if not hundreds, of layers of shock. It’s like you keep waking up over and over again. The shock wears off very gradually. The deeper in shock you are the more you want to just work. You are focused on utility and your brain keeps you numb to prevent more severe damage.

Max might have pushed further with someone else but I think at this point he understands that Oskar is no longer a subject to be observed, no longer someone he can coldly analyze, but a colleague and a friend. He realizes that Oskar is not ready for analysis or therapy but needs understanding and occupation. Max sees Oskar’s hand shake, knows and actually listens when the man tells him he cannot talk about his grief yet. Oskar has taken a great step even telling Max, a young foreign man he barely knows, that all he has is work because his beloved child is dead and his wife has left him. I think that Max understands the enormity of that in this moment. Max says, “if there’s anything I can do to help…” Because he knows that he has to offer support and hold back on his impulse to treat Oskar like a case study.

Max is an example of someone who has the capacity to stay completely cold as a psychoanalyst but his own emotions prevent him from being wholly methodical. In a later scene when Amelia is “cured” he has tears in his eyes. His compassion takes him beyond a single-minded analyst.

The emotion he has in the lecture hall is the same emotion he has in the café, magnified. When Max sees Oskar’s hand shake does he want to reach out and calm him? As a friend you often have that impulse. Oskar has a hard time looking at Max. Human connection and eye contact can stir huge emotions that a person might not be prepared to face. They look at each other briefly. And Max, the observer, looks down with emotion, perhaps even giving Oskar privacy. His shoulders change, no longer proud with youthful overconfidence or even arrogance, but timid and shy. He hunches down just a tiny bit, looking sideways at Oskar. And once Oskar has said he needs to solve the case so he can be “fine” Max instantaneously changes the topic to the case and more importantly how he himself can help Oskar take action.

[lunaremy]

Bomberfam + Pretty's Death

HEADS UP! This is a really long post.

Back when the house they live in now wasn't built, so they resided in the study area of their creators. White used to be REALLY short, by the way. Black got taller than him and wouldn't stop bragging about it, which is yet another thing they bickered over. Pink was the youngest and looked the most different; her original belt compartment was in the shape of a shooting star, and she utilized the default antennae.

Pretty's kind of a recreational hero - even when White was immature and naive, he still found himself dealing with everyone's antics, including the most experienced hero amongst the group (Pretty). Black rarely spoke to her, and she got along with Pink the best. In fact, she used to outright pamper Pink, and looked forward to seeing her grow up into her own person. Pretty took Pink on all sorts of adventures, most notably taking her to Planet Lalaland for her second birthday. Pretty was essentially the influence for a lot of her habits and hobbies as of R1.

It was a little before this time that Pink made Pretty the locket she refuses to let go of.

Also, it was a couple weeks or so after Pink's chronological 2nd birthday (as she was built to be roughly 7 or 8, mixing up the structure of her two older siblings being 14-15 when they were made) when the accident took place.

PICTURED - shortly after Pretty was scrapped

Pretty was scrapped due to a mishap involving a mission with White and Black on duty as well - it was partially White's shortcomings that indirectly resulted in Pretty's death. He remembers panicking for a second, seeing Black get injured by debris, and hearing Pretty shout something in fear before just...disappearing. I think that indirect sort of situation has to do with why Pretty's death hit him so hard, along with the fact that up until then they'd basically been moving as if they were invincible and it's only now that it's setting in that the things he fights can kill him (or someone he cares about). White's creators found it intriguing how he reacted the way a human would if they had seen their sibling die in combat, basically confirming that their desire to create a more "human" bomberman than Prototype had succeeded but also bringing up the suggestion that it's deeply unethical to keep a living thing in such a state of misery and grief for the sake of their experiments. Due to this moral dilemma, White got a lot of support and comfort from his creators, and he'd later come to recognize them as his "Parents". This also formed the building blocks for his idealistic view of the family.

Same with Black, but he wasn't emotionally hurt so much as he was physically hurt. He'd only heard about Pretty being missing after waking up back at base, and even then, he was just kinda....numb to it. To be honest, he might've been a little too good at hiding his feelings back then. That grief ended up mutating into his overly pretentious attitude and strange way of viewing others and himself. His way of life is overly unhealthy and it honestly might be traced back to the accident as well. I don't think he ever actually let himself think about it.

Pink reacted similarly to White, and at a similar time (as she was not on the mission where Pretty was scrapped, she received the news via White and her creators upon their return home). Although, her age influenced how she reacted, along with her admiration of Pretty. She spent a fair amount of time looking for Pretty at home before recalling that she's been scrapped and isn't coming back. She lost interest in a lot of the hobbies she'd had before Pretty's death, and spent a lot of time nearby White (who still tried to support her despite having a lot on his plate to say the least). As they all grew up, White's newfound desire for justice throughout the universe eventually spread to her in it's own way, and by R1, Pink is oft motivated to help the people around her, even if she has her own quirky way of doing so. The love of crafting she had before Pretty's death eventually manifested in Aqua's love of sewing, which is a fact that she's deeply joyful of.

After Pretty returns, she looks significantly different, with her headpiece missing and her belt compartment being significantly damaged. After a while spent recovering from such an abhorrent physical state, she ended up keeping the belt and lack of a headpiece, deciding that it suited Pink better than it suited her. She's hardly changed compared to herself before the accident, but she's really sorry inside for putting her family through such grief. Hearing about just how strongly White had sobbed after coming home, or how badly Pink had been hurt by her disappearance...it gave her nightmares after she reunited with them. This dies down after a couple of months, though. Pretty has a REALLY fun time connecting with her younger siblings! She's gotten along with Aqua really well thanks to Pink, but she has yet to witness one of her earth-shattering rage fits, so she'll be in for a surprise should something push Aqua over the edge in her presence. She's also a fan of telling her younger siblings stories from the missions that happened before they were born. More specifically, she's fond of telling them about times where White or Black messed up in really embarrassing ways, much to their terror.

[ofstoriesandstardust]

when i get where i’m going (jake “hangman” seresin)

a/n: i’ve enjoyed writing this mini-series. make sure to read the original and the follow-up prequel before reading this.

inspired by “when i get where i’m going” by brad paisley and dolly parton 

summary: a career change and unexpected life event brings you and your brother Tyler to San Diego. and unfortunately, back into the orbit of Jake Seresin. a devastating loss could change the tide of your life and your relationship with him.

memory i don’t mess with | break up in a small town

main masterlist | top gun: maverick masterlist

warnings: minor character death, brief reference to death from a terminal illness, yes two people die what else do you expect from me, swearing, i still don’t know how the military works sue me, Iceman is in fact actually alive and healthy because I said so, i’m terrible at writing grief so i just Don’t, Hangman is very much “I hate everyone but you and your little brother” in this fic and i’m not changing it, medical inaccuracies 

word count: 5,881

You sighed as you sat down next to your brother Tyler on the couch. The house felt quiet, but the two of you knew why. It’d only been a week since your Mom passed, but the two of you have been dealing with your grief better than expected. You’ve long prepared yourself for what was going to happen, ever since she got sick when you were 16, not long after your Dad died. It’d been a miracle she’d held on as long as she had and even more so of a miracle was that the periods where she’d been good had been as great and long-lasting as they were. You were blessed to have had the time you did with her and you were glad she was no longer in pain. You reached out for your brother’s hand, squeezing it. “There’s some place better.” You whispered. He squeezed your hand back, sighing. 

“I know.” He whispered and you pulled him into a hug. “By the way, I got my basic orders today.” Tyler mumbled. He had decided to enlist in the Navy not long before your Mom had passed. “Guess where?” He said, a small smirk forming on his face. You raised your eyebrow. 

“Don’t tell me...”

“Miramar baby!” He exclaimed and you groaned. “I’ve already called Jake to tell him. He’s taking me out for a beer when I land.” 

“I fucking hate you.” You said, shaking your head with laughter as you took a sip of your beer. Your brother liked Jake too much, probably always would. The two had been as close as brothers when you’d dated him and the break-up had ripped Jake out of his life so quickly. You couldn’t hate your little brother for wanting at least some semblance of that back. Tyler laughed openly. “But on that note, I heard back from the people at the USS Midway today.” As things had turned dire with your Mom not long after your run-in with Jake at the farmers’ market, you and your brother had prepared yourselves for life after Mom. Part of that included looking for new jobs. You’d only been able to go to college within the last 5 years or so, with Tyler finally being older and you’d finished your grad program the same time Tyler did his undergrad. A new job and a fresh start only made sense, which is how you found yourself applying for a job in San Diego on a whim. It definitely had nothing to do with the fact that you couldn’t stop thinking of Jake after seeing him at the farmers market that day. Your brother nudged you. 

“Hey that’s great, did they offer you the job?” 

“That and then some. They offered me double the pay of what I originally applied for and a higher position. Apparently my application stood out because of my experience.” 

“So...” Tyler prompted, waving his hand. Of course he knew there was more, there always was. 

“So I have a proposition for you.” He nodded, urging you to continue. “I take the job. You have basic there. We sell the house, Uncle is already taking over the business. After basic...” You said, sighing. That’s where your plan always stopped. 

“I ask to be stationed at the base in San Diego. I intend to make my way to TOPGUN eventually anyways so.” Your brother stated with such confidence you felt like it was actually Jake you were having this conversation with. 

“We moving to San Diego together?”

“Sounds like it.” The two of you clinked beers and settled in, ready to discuss and dissect the next phase of your lives. 

-

Jake watched the young boy saunter into the Hard Deck. He still had a hard time believing that this kid was still the same that he had babysit all those years ago. Played football with, hiked with, and even taught how to swim in the lake during summers. Tyler spotted Jake’s tall frame where he was playing pool with his team and Jake waved, a bright smile on his face. Tyler made his way over, going straight for the hug. Jake adored this kid, hugs included. “Tyler man, it’s great to see you!” He said, chuckling. 

“Likewise, Seresin.” Tyler said, smile just as bright. Jake introduced him to the crew and then offered to get him a beer. Tyler nodded and Jake offered to buy the next round for the whole crew. 

“What’s your story kid, if Hangman here’s being so nice to us?” Fanboy asked, leaning on his pool cue. Tyler laughed. 

“My sister was his high school sweetheart.” Hangman did not miss the way Phoenix choked slightly on her beer. 

“You, keep a girlfriend?” Rooster chuckled. 

“I invited her by the way. My sister.” Tyler said, turning slightly. “She’s wonderful, you’ll all love her.” He said, turning back to the group. “She’s running late, they don’t close until 5 and I know her boss wanted to go over how her first day went. She might ghost me though, she’s being weird about being around you.” Tyler said, this time in direction to Jake. The irony of the situation, of Tyler being here, was not lost on Jake, but he intended to make the most of it. Ever since he saw you that day at the farmers market, he couldn’t get you out of his head. He was still as in love with you as he was the day the two of you broke up. Jake collected the beers from Penny, the bar being fairly quiet. He wished it had been noisy so he could’ve avoided Tyler’s next question. “Why’d the two of you break up anyways?” Jake sighed, passing the beers out to the group. 

“Tyler, man. You gotta hit me with the hard questions so soon?” Tyler shrugged, taking the pool cue from Payback. 

“My goal for basic is to get the two of you back together. I need to know what I’m working with.” Jake exhaled, trying to not let this kid down. For being an adult, he’s not sure he’d ever stop seeing him as a kid the same way you’d never not see Tyler as your baby brother. 

“Tyler, your sister moved on pretty quickly after we broke up. I doubt that after all this time she’s even thinking about the possibility of us getting back together.” Tyler raised an eyebrow. 

“That kid? Nah, they didn’t date. He certainly wanted to, and told everyone they were, but they didn’t. She flipped her shit when she found out what he’d been telling everyone, poured a beer on his head in front of all their friends apparently.” Jake was taken aback. He didn’t know that. He’d assumed- “The two of you are meant for each other and we all know it.” Jake gaped at the boy as he made a shot that effectively shut Rooster out from the rest of the game, unphased. Phoenix raised her eyebrows as the boys began to cheer, or groan, depending on who they were rooting for. Jake sighed. 

“Tyler, I love and care about your sister. Always will. I love you kid, you’re like my brother and you can call me for whatever you need, whenever you need it, no matter what. But some people just aren’t meant to be together. Your sister and I are some of those people.” Tyler raised an eyebrow, clearly taking that as a challenge. 

“We’ll see.” 

-

You had, in fact, decided to join the crew for a drink, Jake noted as he emerged from the bathroom. The business in the bar had picked up a bit as he made his way back to the pool table. You were sandwiched in between Phoenix and Bob, Rooster leaning against his pool cue (much to the obvious annoyance of Coyote, who was trying to play against Rooster) as the four of you had an active conversation. You looked happy and that was all Jake could hope for. Tyler had filled him in and he couldn’t image the kind of stress you were under, trying to sell your house back home, your brother starting basic the next day, a new job, a move across the country, all on top of the fact that you were dealing with the loss of your Mom. Jake hadn’t been able to go to the funeral, on a mission that week, and he regretted flying it as soon as he landed. He should’ve been there for you. Of course, that wasn’t really his place anymore, was it? He appeared next to Fanboy, who was listening to Tyler tell a story about the time Jake had gone swimming and came out of the water only to discover leeches on him. He cringed. It hadn’t been fun at the time and while everyone else had come to laugh about it, Jake still hated the idea of being anywhere near that specific lake again. “Surprised you remember that, kid. You were like... six.” Hangman laughed, raising his beer to his lips. 

“How long did the two of you date?” Bob asked, heading swinging between him and you. 

“Mmm,” you said, lips pursed in thought. “Four years? Yeah, just about ‘cause Jake asked me to homecoming freshman year and we started dating homecoming night.” 

“So I want to go back to the question Tyler asked earlier about why the two of you broke up.” Rooster asked, leaning on the pool table. You visibly hesitated and Jake took another swig of beer. He decided in that moment that he was not about to out you to his friends, or your brother for that matter, about the decision you had made. 

“Mutual decision.” Lie. “Our lives were going in separate directions.” Less of a lie. “Only love though, baby.” Truth. 

-

Tyler quickly became part of the crew as he tagged along to nights out when he could, you in tow because Jake knew you and he knew you weren't going to pass up any minute you could spend with your brother while he was still around. You seemed to be handling the Navy thing surprisingly well, right up until Tyler had gotten his advanced training orders. He would be at the base in San Diego, still uncertain for how long, but Jake suspected this made it more real as to what was happening. It wasn’t until a night when Maverick had dragged Admiral Kazansky out to the Hard Deck with him that you’d changed your tune. Hangman doubted you’d ever be fully pro-your brother being in the Navy and at risk of dying but whatever Kazansky had said had calmed you down. You were forming a closer friendship his crew, especially Rooster and Phoenix, and Jake knew that had to be helping. And while you were certainly aware of Tyler’s blatant attempts at getting the two of you back together, you were warming up to Jake, letting him back into your life piece by piece. Jake wasn’t sure when his end goal became getting back together with you but Jake could work with slowly. It was a start. 

-

Another six months later, and it was Tyler’s last night in town. He was leaving for deployment early in the morning and you seemed ready to jump out of your skin. When Tyler had joked that the next time he’d be back in San Diego, it would be to be part of the TOPGUN program (even though the timeline was almost impossible, although not improbable), you’d nearly wrung his neck right then and there, in front of Maverick and Admiral Kazansky and God and everyone. Jake had made the executive decision to send everyone home, particularly to get you away from your brother before you popped a vein from stress. The group quickly parted ways after that but Jake hung back as you said goodbye to your brother. He felt like an an intruder but he also felt like he should say goodbye to the kid who was family to him too. Jake watched the way you clung tightly to him as he said goodbye and tried not to make it obvious he was watching. The two of you eventually parted and Tyler made his way to Jake. Jake wrapped him in a hug before Tyler ever fully reached him. “If I don’t come back-” Tyler whispered. 

“Don’t say that.” Jake whispered sharply, grip on the boy tightening. 

“If I don’t come back, take care of my sister please. She doesn’t have anyone else looking out for her.” Jake swallowed, eyes shutting briefly. 

“Don’t ask me to do that. You’re going to be fine.” 

“Please Jake. I need to know that if I go, she’s going to be okay. Please.” 

“It’ll be okay bud. I’ll take care of her, no matter what. You’re gonna come home, I know it. Don’t make your sister bury someone else.” 

“Same goes for you Seresin.”

“Love you kid.” Tyler squeezed Jake. 

“Love you. Thanks for looking out for me all these years.” Jake nodded. 

“See you in six and a half months.” Jake said as he tipped an imaginary cowboy hat, the Southern drawl making an appearance. Tyler laughed, turning towards his car. 

“I love you Ty!” You shouted across the parking lot as you and Jake made the walk to your respective cars in the opposite direction. 

“Love you too!” The boy had shouted and the two of you waved as he drove away. You sighed, kicking a rock on the ground as you came to a halt outside your car. 

“I’m so worried about him Jake.” You muttered, rubbing your temple. 

“He’s gonna be okay.” Jake offered, knowing there wasn’t much he could say to alleviate what you were going through. Suddenly, he was thankful (for the first time in his life) you’d made that decision all those years ago, unsure if he could’ve handled doing this every time he had left. It was a lot to watch the girl he loved go through this and the guilt he would’ve felt being the one to put you through it? Maybe it had been for the best. 

“I wish you were going with him. I’d feel so much better if you were going with him, because at least then I know he’s got somebody to look after him.”

“Yeah, but I’m here to look after you.” You shrugged.

“I moved out here for him, Jake. I only took the job at the Midway because he was gonna be here. And I obviously knew it wasn’t gonna last forever but this feels different. This feels final and I can’t help but wonder what I’m doing out here if there’s no Tyler. I’m scared and confused and I just-” Jake pulled you into a hug, effectively cutting you off. 

“You got me. You always got me. Phoenix adores you as does Bob. Rooster’s taken a liking to you and if you disappear don’t think Coyote won’t hunt you down at your place of work and drag you to Penny’s for a beer. Payback and Fanboy have personally been taking bets as to which one of them can get you up in a plane first. Maverick likes having you around because you entertain Kazansky and honestly that man probably sees you as an extension of our crew at this point. You got friends out here. You got a family. Tyler’s gonna be okay, but even if he isn’t, you’re gonna be okay too.” Jake said honestly. His friends adored you and Tyler hasn’t been the only one pushing for the two of you to get back together. Jake held out hope but he wasn’t pushing anything. The last year had been a lot for you and right now he was just grateful to have you in his life at all. You sighed against his chest. “Tell you what. You get news about Tyler, good or bad, you call me. Day or night, I want to know. I’ll be the first to know and I’ll be there no matter what, you understand?” You nodded. “Alright, go home, get some sleep. We can get breakfast in the morning if you want, I know you don’t go in until 1 tomorrow.” You nodded again, pulling away from Jake. He turned to walk back towards his car but you called out his name. He turned to face you, hands in his pocket. 

“Thank you. For everything.”

- 

Jake immediately knew something was wrong the minute he entered the Hard Deck. You were standing next to Rooster and Maverick, your eyes wild, looking like a deer caught in the headlights. You looked ready to bolt the minute someone said something to you and Jake knew. He just knew. He called out for you and you turned, eyes widening as you saw him. He felt Phoenix’s presence behind him as he made his way towards you, and as he saw Rooster’s panicked face, Jake’s heart sunk. Any doubts he had about what was happening were gone. It hadn’t even been two weeks since Tyler had left for deployment...

He paused in front of you, concern evident. He reached out to touch you but in your panicked state he wasn’t sure that was the smartest idea. You gripped the counter of the bar tightly as you looked up into his eyes. “The Navy called.” You whispered. “He’s- Jake- Tyler’s dead.” Jake felt his world spinning as you said it, finding his balance on the bar. The kid who thought he was invincible, gone, just like that? “My baby brother’s dead.” You said, dam breaking and Jake’s arms shot out for you as your body crumpled. You clutched at his shirt, still slightly damp from his shower after training today. He pulled you close, unable to bring himself to offer any sort of comfort. What could he say? 

What happened next was a blur and honestly, he’s not entirely sure how you wound up in Phoenix’s apartment but he was grateful nonetheless. You were sitting on the couch with your head in your hands and Coyote was crouched in front of you, talking to you softly. He got up, knowing you were in good hands. He needs to call his sister, he thought. They need to know what’s happening. His family had looked out for you and Tyler long after your relationship ended, even if they didn’t know he knew that. He wandered into the kitchen, already hearing the dial tone before he noticed Phoenix and Bob. Their conversation paused and he leaned up against the counter. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. “Hello?” Came the voice of his sister Sascha. 

“Sasch, I need you to do me a favor.” 

“K, what’s up?”

“Call Mom. Tell her (Y/N) is gonna be coming out there, probably no later than tomorrow night. Depends on when we can get her a flight. I might be coming too but she needs somewhere to stay and I’d prefer to not put her in a hotel by herself right now.” 

“Jake, what’s happening?” 

“I’ll explain later.”

“Well, quite frankly, I don’t want to do anything for either of you unless you’re telling me you’re getting back together.” Jake sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

“Sasch-” He noted Rooster’s presence in the kitchen, gesturing for him to come out to the living room. He could hear Maverick’s voice, talking to you. He held up a finger, needing to get his sister on board. 

“You are soulmates and you know it.”

“Sasch, this really isn’t the time to be-”

“You know Jake, there really isn’t a good time to get back together with your ex-girlfriend but really, the two of you breaking up was a mistake and you know that.”

“Sascha.” He said firmly, losing his patience. 

“Listen Jake, I love you but-”

“Sascha, Tyler’s dead.” He winced at the bluntness but she would’ve kept going and that was not the point of the conversation. There was dead silence for a few minutes and Jake got worried. “Sasch?”

“Yeah, I’m here Jake. I’ll- I’ll call Mom, see what we can do. Should I reach out to (Y/N)?” 

“No, no don’t let her know you know just yet. I’ll text you and let you know when I have more details. I gotta go make sure she’s okay.” 

“Okay. Go take care of your girl Jake.” 

“Love you Sasch.”

“Love you too Jake.” He sighed, ending the call and pulling the phone away from his ear. He made his way back to the living room, where Phoenix and Bob had joined. Maverick was here apparently too. He leaned up against the wall as Maverick asked if you wanted him to call anyone for you. You shook your head. 

“Don’t have any family left. He was it.” You muttered and then looked up to him. “Where’d you go?”

“Called my sister.”

“Why?” You asked incredulously.

“Because you’re going back home and you’re staying with them. Don’t think I don’t know how much of a family they still are to you. You need to be with them right now.”

“You’re going with her.” Maverick spoke, self-assured as if the matter had been already settled. Jake startled from his position off the wall. 

“Maverick-” He started but the man cut him off with the wave of his hand. 

“It’s already been arranged. You need to be with her right now. The team will be here when you get back.” He gaped, unsure if he should thank Maverick or give him a hug. “The two of you leave tonight.” Maverick turned to Jake. “And no, you don’t get a say.” Maverick said, shoving the boarding passes into his chest. Jake clutched at the paper, mouth still wide open. The moment was ruined however, by Rooster. 

“Close that mouth Bagman, you’ll catch flies.” 

-

Hangman spotted his crew before you did. Bob had called him late the night before, stating that they had been able to make something work and that they were all going to be joining the two of you for the funeral. You’d pitched an absolute fit at the idea of having Tyler buried in a military cemetery in California and the Navy had lost that battle before it ever even started. So, the two of you were in your hometown for the funeral, and yes, even Maverick was coming. You didn’t know that yet though. He winked as he saw them come through the door, your attention still focused on his sister. His team was in their military uniforms, including him, and their team had rarely felt this cohesive. Phoenix wrapped you in a hug as everyone else crowded around and you looked over at her in surprise and shock. “What’re you doing here?” You asked, eyes flitting over the rest of the team. 

“C’mon, you think we were gonna let you do this alone?” Coyote asked, opening his arms for a hug. You smiled and gave it to him. 

“Never.” Rooster confirmed, pulling you from Coyote for his own equally tight hug. Jake’s mom wandered out from the hall. 

“C’mon, it’s starting soon. Let’s go sit.” She said, ushering the group in. Jake watched you cautiously out of the corner of his eye as you pulled Phoenix down to sit next to you through the ceremony but honestly, for what the day was, you seemed to be... okay. His parents had taken over all of the planning, leaving you and Jake to your own devices for the last week. The two of you had gone riding on his ranch and out to the lake and to the bookstore and to the diner and all the places you used to. It felt normal and right, despite the reason you were both there. You were healing on your own time and while you’d grow around the grief, and it was hard right now, he knew bringing you home had been the best decision he could’ve made. He felt someone slip their hand into his and he looked down at your hands clasped together. He wasn’t sure you even realized you did it as his sister gave a speech. He squeezed it, pulling you closer as you started to cry. As the ceremony finished up and people began to file out for the celebration of life that was happening afterwards, you stayed to talk to his sister and team. Two of the pilots who’d served with your brother, Golden and Petals, had come out for the funeral, and you chatted with them as well. Maverick wandered over from his place in the back of the room, a quiet observer as he seemed to be in most things. He clasped your shoulder and you looked up at him, quickly standing. 

“Captain.” You said, nodding your head and Jake didn’t miss the way Rooster nodded his head to everyone else, gesturing to give the two some space. Jake opted to hang back because he’d be damned if he left you right now. The two of you made small talk as the team filtered out but Jake remained planted. When Maverick noted everyone else was gone, he awkwardly cleared his throat. 

“I know... I know you didn’t want any part of the military proceedings for the funeral, but I uh, I thought you should have this.” Maverick revealed a folded up flag and Jake’s breath caught in his throat. He knew what that flag symbolized and represented, what the honor meant for Tyler. He knew you knew it too from the way you stared at Maverick. Maverick held out the flag nervously, unsure if you would take it. You instead attacked Maverick in a tight hug. Maverick had taken Tyler on a few flights, given him a bit of an education and Maverick wouldn’t admit it, but you and your brother had become an extension of his team, integral parts. Maverick returned the hug, still clutching on to the flag. Jake quickly took it from him, so that Maverick could properly hug you. You finally pulled away from the older man, tears pricking at your eyes. You laughed lightly, wiping them away. Maverick excused himself quietly, leaving you and Jake alone in the funeral hall. You took his hand and rested your chin on his chest. Jake brought your intertwined hands to his mouth and gently kissed your knuckles. 

“I don’t want to ruin the moment or the day,” He muttered, after a few moments of comfortable silence. “But we do need to talk at some point. About this, about us.” You nodded against his chest. 

“I know.” There was another brief pause as you came up to clutch Jake’s uniform. “Jake, please don’t leave me. I can’t do this without you.” He kissed the top of your head, arm now moving down to your waist to bring you close. 

“Never baby.”

-

The rest of the afternoon passed by in a blur, with Jake never once leaving your side. He refused to leave you alone, and his team stayed close as well. While Jake had another week of leave to be with you, his team had to leave early tomorrow morning. They’d wound up back at his house after the celebration of life, Maverick in the kitchen talking to his parents as the team sat in the living room with him and his sister. You were sat on the floor going through old photos with his sister, Phoenix, Rooster and Bob, as he chatted to Fanboy Coyote, and Payback. Phoenix was giggling at a photo from freshman year homecoming while Bob and Rooster had some from Halloween of your junior year. Sascha was flipping through the baby photos, trying to find the infamous one of him when you breathed sharply and stood up, sitting next to him on the couch. Coyote paused as Jake’s attention shifted to you and the photo you were holding. He took it from you, a mix of emotions settling in his chest as he registered what it was. 

There he was, tall as ever, with Tyler on his shoulders. Maybe a year or so before you’d broken up, at your Dad’s funeral. Despite Tyler being only 8 or 9 at the time, just having to bury his father, he was smiling as Jake looked up at him. 

He felt his throat close with emotion as he recalled that day, that exact moment. 

He’d held Tyler in his arms through the funeral, the boy getting to be just a little too lanky to be easy to hold but he’d wanted to be close to Jake and he was in no position to be denying what was practically his brother that. It was a bright and sunny day in their hometown, despite the fact that you’d just had to bury your father and as you stood talking to some family friends, he’d been talking to your Mom. Tyler, who’d been passed over to your Uncle after the ceremony, broke free, and raced over to him. He let out a small oof as the child collided with his legs and he looked down. He was crying and without hesitation, picked him up, and whispered “I know what will make you feel better bud.” He lifted him to his shoulders, holding him in place. He was suddenly thankful for all the conditioning Coach put them through as he bounced the kid around, still talking to your Mom as Tyler had laughed. You had smiled softly at them as you made your way over to them with his family. He had just barely heard Sascha’s words, ones he probably wasn’t meant to hear, before they decided to go back to his family’s ranch for the rest of the afternoon. 

“I hope you marry him (Y/N), I really do.” 

“What is it?” His Mom called from the doorway. He cleared his throat, trying to blink back the tears. 

“It’s Ty and I, from the funeral.” He called, still looking at the picture. 

“He loved you Jake, he really did. You were his brother and I’m sorry I ripped him out of your life.” You whispered and he shook his head, setting the picture down on the arm of the couch next to him. He grabbed your arm, pulling you into a hug as his Mom walked over to the couch to look at the photo herself. 

“None of that matters now.” He whispered into your hair as your arms wrapped around him. 

“I want you to have that photo. I mean, I guess, technically it’s already yours, but...” He chuckled, pulling away. 

“No, I- thank you.” 

-

It was the last night at home and the two of you were sat on his porch swing, sipping beers as you recounted what the two of you had been up to in the years since you’d been apart. He knew that the two of you needed to have a conversation about where things stood between the two of you but you were still grieving so he didn’t bring it up. You’d come to him when you were ready, he trusted you to do that. As the two of you looked out onto the night, the conversation lulled, a comfortable silence settling between the two of you. You were settled into his side and his arm was wrapped around you. You shifted and he looked down at you. You were looking at him with such sincere honesty he felt his mouth go dry. “Jake, I’m-” He shook his head but you kept going. “I’m sorry for making that decision so many years ago and I- I still love you. I’ve never stopped. You were the best part of me and letting you go- I was a fool. And I’ve- I’ve regretted it everyday. And-” As you asked, you had slowly shifted upwards, and he realized you were going to try to kiss him. He grabbed up my your arms, setting you back down on the swing gently. 

“(Y/N), no.” A flash of hurt crossed your face and he willed himself to keep going. “(Y/N), you’re hurting right now. Your brother just died. And I’m not going to take advantage of you like this.”

“Jake, I don’t-” 

“It wouldn’t be fair to you or me. Because the truth is, I never stopped loving you either, but emotions are running high right now, for the both of us, and it just- it isn’t a good idea.” He sighs, letting go of you. Jake loved you, but you were hurting right now and he didn’t want to get hurt because you’d only wanted him as you grieved or hurt you because he took advantage of your grief to get the girl back. He wouldn’t do that. The two of you were going to do this right. 

“Yeah, yeah. You’re right.” You whispered, pointedly not meeting his eye. 

“(Y/N), trust me. I want to, but you need time. We can talk about this in a few months when things have settled. I’m not going to go anywhere, but now’s not the time.” If Rooster and Phoenix could see him now, they’d never believe the things he was saying but he didn’t want to mess this up. You were the only girl he wanted, the only girl he’d ever loved, and he wasn’t going to do anything that would cost him you ever again. 

-

It’d been 8 months since Tyler’s funeral and the two of you were sitting in the back of his truck, eating In’N’Out and looking out at the beach and the stars. You’d settled into California life nicely, making a group of friends of your own, and although you still made your way to the Hard Deck with him at least once a week, your life was busy. The first few months had been rough but you were resilient, and continued to grow around your grief. He knew you missed Tyler, but he knew Tyler wanted you to be happy, and you were doing your best to make him proud everyday. He watched as you laughed, so carefree, and he smiled fondly, glad you were so happy. Your laughter faded as you eyed him. “What’s on your mind Seresin?” You asked, scooting closer to him. His hand, came up to push a stray piece of hair behind your ear. 

“I love you.” He whispered and your breathing stuttered. “I- I want to try again, if you think you’re ready.” 

“Jake, I-” You whispered. 

“Only if you want to.” He whispered, one of his hands finding yours. “You’ll keep me either way, but I needed to be honest.” 

“Of course I want to try again Seresin, I told you when Ty died that I never stopped loving you.” He smiled softly.

“Great, then now I can do this again without feeling guilty.” He whispered, pressing a soft kiss to your lips. It was short, just to test the waters, but you brought a hand up to rest at the nape of his neck, not letting him go far. “I’ve missed doing that.” He whispered and you smiled against his cheek. 

“Yeah, me too.” 

“You know, your brother is definitely screaming that it took us long enough.” He whispers, chuckling. You snort. 

“Way to ruin the moment.” He scoffed in protest.

“What, like I’m wrong?” 

[hozaloza]

HALF Crane Organization analyzation(Spoilers!)Srs there's some mega spoilers here!!

Maverick

Connecting the whole thing the person said on the Boss, I've decided to briefly explain my hc backstory I came up with bc of the movie Vivo, specifically the song 'One More Song' (Some info was changed bc of my new perspective on him)

Basically, I randomly thought of the idea of Maverick being adopted by this nice older gentleman in Columbia. They would sing music together, preform, and play instrument duets. This was Maverick's life up until when he was 18. His father died of old age, and he was left alone in a world with no clue on how to survive. For a while, he sulked in his house despairingly, mourning the lost of his father. Then, one day, he stumbles upon old research his father did in Georgia. Looking for reason to get over this grief, he picks up on what his father was looking into, and migrates to Georgia. At first, it is regular stuff, the typical information about the state. Then, he stumbles upon the phantoms. He's intrigued in this, and studies further into it, trying to find any reason to cope with his feelings. Eventually, Maverick meets the man who addressed him in that fast pass episode, and they 'hit' it off with the similar interest in the phantom dimension. He joins their organization, forming his "Origami Cranes" sub organization to do his own research on this. Crane members come in, and at some point, he meets the Crane Trio as teenagers. He notices something strange about them, especially Thomas. (Note that I strongly believe Thomas has a weird connection to the rift, bc damn well those eyes+smile in episode 64 are not normal). He keeps them in his watch, eventually inviting them to the organization once they are able to. (Don't knew whether or not I wanna keep in the thought of Thomas being experimented on. Keep that hc in your back pocket).

Also, the meaning behind Maverick may possibly give us a pretty good idea on how he functions (and...foreshadowing?)

I'm specifically looking at rebel. Rebel against who...the big boss.? Not sure why, but I also have this idea that the dude who addressed Maverick (He name-dropped his name) may be abusive towards him (that's why I put 'hit' earlier). A lot of these terms give me an idea of who Maverick is. Looking at outsider, it may mean Maverick is the odd one out from the big organization. He's pretty mysterious in my opinion.

There's also this. I believe how this applies to Maverick is that he thinks differently from others. Possibly because of this thinking process, he was able to find Ashlyn, and realize there is something off about her.

This is so unorganized, but I keep seeing new stuff, and want to put my thoughts down before I forget. The fact that it says that the word is seen as positive means that it could be possible that Maverick may be the good guy (HAHAHAH I PREDICTED IT IN ONE OF MY IG STORIES--)

"Valued in society." Hm... I wonder what this could mean in SBG...

(Could it mean that he'll do something that benefits society? Or... new thought, he sacrifices that chance to help the kids, because in order to achieve that, he has to do something to the kids, which is negative).

I mean, he's definitely taking chances with the whole experiment. And from "accepted course," could be what society sees as morally okay. He's departing from those morals by experimenting on people, turning them into the infected patients.

--------

Thomas Walter

To start off on this handsome, FINE, young man, I decided to bring up the cranes found on Thomas's desk...

Orange..and blue...

(If that isn't orange, I'm offing myself.)

what do they mean in origami sense?

Maybe this story I made a while back can explain. Basically;

Orange- rich in enthusiasm and energy

Blue- Honour and Faith

What does this have to do with Thomas? In my personal belief, these represent his personalities. He has honour and faith in the organization, doing anything to help the boss no matter how immoral it is.

That side of him is his true side.

As for orange, when we are first introduced to Mr. Thomas, he's always energetic and enthusiastic about teaching, saying he's excited to be teaching a class by himself. He also always keeps a smile on his face.

That side represents his fake persona, supposedly 'Mr. Thomas'

...

My only issue with this idea is that IN THE FIRST INTRODUCTION--

"Worry" MAN

Okay, possibly he only has concerns for people if they are just regular people. If they are of the organizations targets, he'll be 'cold' towards them. (By cold I mean less concern for, not as caring)

Moving on, I didn't do this with Maverick, however, I still would like to bring it up. So, you know how sometimes characters can have a counterpart of themselves via personality? Well, I actually came up with some for the Savannah Gang and the Origami Group (Trio and friends)

I decided that Mr. Thomas and Aiden would be the perfect match up

"But Maverick--" Sh

This isn't about him

He had his moment.

Anyways, the reason why I chose Mr. Thomas is because he's constantly keeping up a positive attitude, always smiling, always energetic.

Sounds a lot like Aiden to a sense, huh? Plus, I strongly believe Mr. Thomas may be a little bit psychotic, so that checks off. Now, in terms of the recent fast pass episode, I also realize that it's possible that they both smile through the pain. Aiden is definitely suffering, but regardless keeps up his little personality. Mr. Thomas, while not shown to have been suffering from anything yet, could also be hiding something similar. Maybe he's also in pain, or he could just be hiding his true colors.

Now, if he isn't evil, he's possessed (Oh my granny Hoza if you mention the black eyes theory--)

YES I'M NOT LETTING THAT GO. Anyways,

Normal eye color

Then black

No it isn't lighting. It's black eyes. Possession. PHANTOMS. ITS PHA-

So, from what I understand, every time the phantom dimension influences the kids, they always have black eyes (Ep 44 for example).

Also, this is pretty much a good example in my opinion;

Normal eyes

Black (plus the red, coloring y'all)

Also, are her eyes fading back to green? Huh...

What makes me frustrated about this realization is that often times a character will have black eyes, but nothing is really happening

LIKE, OKAY FINE DISPROVE MY INITIAL THOUGHTS.

No but, it's so difficult to pinpoint why their eyes turn black sometimes. Could it be because the phantom dimension is starting to influence them more and more? Or when they talk about it? Who knows, maybe I'll make the connection while in class or something.

But back to my original thought, whatever the connection is, it definitely is affecting Thomas, maybe perhaps someone of higher power is making him do this? Or...the phantom dimension is forcing him to get Ashlyn, practically bring her to the Cranes so the big thing can be done. (Y'all Ashlyn is definitely the queen or something to the phantom dimension, or is a phantom).

--------

Blondie

Last character I would like to speak about is...Blondie, who doesn't have a name yet (hopefully soon he gets one). Blondie is the nickname I gave to that one buff blonde dude who had the handcuffs in ep 67. Now, you're probably wondering why I want to analyze him when there isn't anything to observe. Well, that's why I'm observing his physical appearance in the episodes.

You see, he sort of reminds me of Ben. His height, body build, expression, and the way he walks/stands there on the side (I'M SORRY BEN BUT YOU KINDA DO JUST STAND THERE WITH YOUR LITTLE SWEAT LINE), oh he also has the little sweat thing.

Like, look at his posture. It's pretty similar to Ben's

Both also keep their arms flat to their sides. Say I'm picking at straws all you want, but I can't be the only one who doesn't notice this.

They also both wear the damn same shirt (Idk why but Blondie gives off "I'll wear this same shirt for the rest of my life" vibes). Based on just appearance, I'd assume Blondie is the silent type, doesn't speak much (or at all, could be mute), knows more then they lead on, possible anger issues, constantly tired (no sleep because of the organization), and is definitely strong/reflexive. There's a likely chance he's not important, and could be a background character, but I just feel like he's important. The match-up is literally perfect, it can't just be coincidence.

--------

That's all I can really think of at the moment. Hope it wasn't too long. Again, thanks B3achysurfer for making that analysis post, really helped me further expand my ideas. Sorry if this was a mess, I just kinda splotched my thoughts down.

I'll share the rest of the crane group another day.

[thefandomenchantress]

what's ur favorite aspect of xanvid, acevid, xanace(? if that's their ship name), and the three of them together?

(Warning: TW For discussion of EDs, as well as the fact this is at least a little self-indulgent)

This is such a fun question heh heh heh! I’m gonna have a lot of fun with this one. (Thanks for asking me, by the way).

…

Xanvid:

I know this isn’t too deep or anything, but making ‘Xander is a huge simp for David’ jokes is one of my favorite pastimes while writing these two. I think it’s very funny.

I’ll be completely honest, at first I only shipped Xanvid because I knew most of the fandom did. Mostly because I somehow forgot this scene happened:

And that scene is the one that probably adds the most substance to their relationship, so forgetting about it took away what is probably one of the most important aspects. That being that Xander actually tries to treat David like a person, not a product or a celebrity.

I think Xander and David would probably be good at hyping each other up when they’re down, or providing each other comfort when they’re sad. Seeing as Xander has experience with grief I don’t think he’d push too hard for David to be happy all the time, which is pretty vital.

Acevid:

The more silly aspect I like is the banter. Ace is always great for fun banter because he never shuts up and doesn’t hesitate to state his opinions, at least most of the time. So most characters can have an entertaining back-and-forth with him.

But post-personality-reveal David in particular is fun for me to write, since he acts like such a smug little bastard. His above-average way with words can pretty much make Ace do what ever he wants (or at least in the beginning, when Ace can’t detect his trickery), and usually what he wants is to fluster Ace as much as possible.

But I guess a more serious one would be why I started shipping them in the first place. Both David and Ace’s careers have merged with the rest of their life in one way or another, and in very unpleasant ways. Both are the only two to show distain for their talents in some capacity, (excluding Teruko and sort of Rose, who doesn’t exactly hate her talent as much as she hates that she got caught and is in debt).

Whit says he didn’t share David’s secret because he doesn’t want to ruin David’s career, and when he phrases it like that it seems stupid, but considering the fact David basically built a whole new personality he’s been crafting for years and is the only thing he lets people see, you slowly realize that ruining his career essentially destroys his life. His image has been his primary concern for so long and now it’s forever tarnished. Which does make his sudden move to get everyone killed make a bit more sense, since perhaps David believes his life is essentially over anyway. Without his image and by extension his career, what is he left with?

And something similar could be said for Ace. Being a jockey is dangerous enough as it is, but with the brittle bones that come with an eating disorder like anorexia (which is what I assume Ace has, though I may be wrong), this risk of injury or even death only increases. In fact the mortality rate of anorexia alone is higher than most mental illnesses. So it’s fair to say that despite his fear of death and things that could hurt him in general, Ace is putting himself in a lot of danger to preserve his career as a jockey. His constant trips to the gym seem to indicate his works out a lot to maintain his weight as well. Despite the fact he hates horse-riding, he is risking his life to keep competing. And since he just got outed for having an eating disorder by Veronika, presumably on (inter?)national television, I’d say there’s a very high chance that he won’t be allowed to race again. So not only has his career been thrown away, but what he has dedicated his life to.

This rant is all to say I think that they could relate to each other in this way, and thus understand what the other is going through. They could help each other figure out where to go from here, and that kind of thing.

(This one ended up being really long, whoops…)

Xanace:

I’ve never written anything of just the two of them before, but I still like them as a pairing. Probably because rivals to lovers is one of my favorite things ever (Hence my love of Teruvid).

My favorite silly aspect is probably that the height difference is very funny to me. Xander’s 6’0 and Ace is 5’5 and I can just imagine them doing this thing:

Where the taller person easily holds back the shorter one, who is trying and failing to attack them (Hope you like my stick figure art haha).

Honestly part of the reason why I’ve never written something with just them is because I’m still trying to figure out why they work together. Xander doesn’t have much patience for Ace’s antics, so having them get along would most likely require Ace to tone it down long enough for them to have a heartfelt moment.

I think once they managed to have a bit of an understanding of each other, however, it’d be fun to see Ace of all people have to talk Xander out of getting in fights. Ace may threaten to fight people, but he won’t. Xander, however, has no qualms about being in a fight if he thinks it necessary. And seeing Ace, who has the habit of saying ‘you wanna fight!?’ to people he barely knows, having to stop him would be funny. Because even if Ace won’t admit it he cares about Xander’s well-being and in a fight he’s bound to get hurt.

Xanacevid:

Hmm…I guess I just feel like they kinda balance each other out, y’know? Xander and Ace’s more hotheaded and reckless tendencies can be balanced out by David’s more generally calm demeanor. Ace and David’s pessimism can be balanced out by Xander’s more cheery yet realistic outlook. David and Xander’s lovey-dovey approach is balanced out by Ace being a grumpy tsundere. I’m not great at putting it into words, they just kinda work. To me, at least.

…

Yaaaay I finished! Sorry this took me so long, I had trouble putting into words exactly what I liked about these ships. But thanks for asking I really love talking about stuff like this!!! <3

[bleedingmusk]

I don't usually like to share my personal experiences on social media but this thought is bugging me for quite few months now الله المستعان.

Mental health in Muslim community is been ignored and rejected so badly it's more like a taboo and you're tired of hearing that you get depression because of low Iman and what not.

Few years ago when I was much younger and quite naive I really didn't knew about anxiety, depression and mental disorders in depth I was not in denial but kinda never really experienced anything like that or anyone closer to me suffering from it. Until in 2019 I saw my ex brother (who left Islam) suffering from servere depression, he wouldn't eat, would just force himself to work, couldn't sleep in nights and there was something on his face which would shook me but as I didn't interacted with him so never bothered about it, infact I used to mock him (I know I was wrong) I used to make fun of his mental state because I believed that his depression is because he became atheist it could be true but Allaah knows best why he was depressed, one time my kitten died I was very upset I cried for days and didn't ate for days or turned on lights of my room, apart from praying I basically didn't do anything so he came into my room and said why you're crying over your kitten ain't your Allaah al Hayy ask Him to give back her life (he was mocking my Lord) I fumed with anger and couldn't say anything but crying more I wanted to run away at that moment, then he continued saying oh sorry Muslims don't go into depression right though at that moment I didn't really thought I was depressed in fact I was just upset and after some days overcame my grief Alhamdulillah. But I always mocked his mental health not realising mocking someone is not good even if he's kafir, Allaah would test you with similar situation some day. Fast forward into 2021 I was diagnosed with clinical depression after being in denial for at least 7 month, Alhamdulillah by the help of Allaah and right Islamic counsellor I battled my depression, healing journey wasn't easy at all I would always remember that how I used to mock my ex brother I would remind myself you see the way he couldn't sleep you were unable to sleep too, he couldn't eat you are not able to eat too, etc I repented to Allaah sincerely (May Allaah accept it from me Ameen) Alhamdulillah as I was still in the process of healing I had very low days I still remember one time my neighbour (she was also a Muwahidah) called me one time and asked me why I never join them and stay alone in my apartment, she taunted me and said you don't even have husband or kids you have no responsibility you must be living a happy life, you see I have husband and kids I have many responsibilities still I manage everything I've never been depressed I silently endured her words though they were cutting me into million pieces after she end the call she sent me a text image which reads as follow "A Muslim never gets depressed, try to read Quran, work on your Iman, help others around and something I forgot..." I was really offended but I was patient I didn't said a word but Allaah was witnessing my pain.

After 6 months I was going to move to a different place I visited her before leaving and she said stay over at her place for a day or two who knows when we'd meet again, as her kids loved me so much and I loved them too I didn't hesitated and I stayed for 3 days, By Allaah second day as I was working in her kitchen and kids were playing I hear screams, and cries I got panicked I ran and saw that sister was having a severe panic attack (being a therapist myself at this point) I tried to calm her down I asked her few things and she started to speak that how from past 2 months she's suffering from severe anxiety, she's very depressed but she doesn't know why she's depressed she was crying.. Wallaahi at that point my mind was blown up I couldn't stop but thinking about how she mocked my mental health few months back, that thought wouldn't leave my mind I somehow tried to control my emotions and helped her to feel relaxed.

Wallaahi brothers and sisters don't ever make anyone's fun, don't mock anyone or ridicule anyone's suffering by Allaah you never know when Allaah would test you with exact same thing. If you cannot be kind at least don't be rude, if you cannot understand at least don't misunderstand. Now I understood the depth of the hadith when Rasulullah صلى الله عليه وسلم said "Kindness is the mark of faith."

May Allaah protect us all and grant shifa to all those suffering mentally or physically Ameen.

[yikeshereiam]

wait what’s your theory?

I am so glad you asked me this anon! Please enjoy this whole Beacon Hills conspiracy.

I should warn you in advance that the explanation is very messy and was created by myself and my friend's absolute spiralling over the inconsistencies in Theo's storyline to the point where Theo Raeken Hale was born.

But anyway.

So right off the bat, here's some basic, somewhat weird coincidences. Theo and Malia both go missing at around the same age, their birthdays are within days of each other, and their respective accidents both take place in the preserve (or at least, I think that's where Malia's car was found? if not, let's just go with it anyway.)

Then, in addition to that, we know that Peter Hale slept around back in the day, the Hales have a history of hiding pregnancies/kids and the Dread Doctors have a history of altering/erasing memories. So there really is no telling what other events in the Beacon Hills timeline have been changed (and who Peter has spent his time with.)

And then we have the question of what made Theo so special.

He actually, in canon events, had no childhood sickness and wasn't a genetic chimera to begin with like the other chimeras made later in the show. And the Dread Doctors later admit that they didn't even view Theo as something purely good, eliminating the whole corruption arc/narrative that could be used to explain why they intentionally sought out this random nine year old for their scheme.

This leads us to wonder whether or not Theo was actually patient zero. As in he was the original werewolf, and his DNA was the DNA used in the other chimeras (because yes, it could've been the Beast's DNA, but, it could logically also have been someone else's.)

The Dread Doctors wanted a Hale, and who better than one they didn't want themselves? A baby hidden because he was the child of a human and a werewolf (which would make him a genetic chimera, if my google research is correct) and it explains why there was a (theorised) detachment between Theo and his own family. Tara included. He was an affair baby.

Something that furthers the whole 'Theo is a born werewolf' thing is the fact that he can full shift. In the show, bitten werewolves can't full shift at all and we're told it's pretty rare to see a born werewolf full shift too.

It's also explained that full shifts are usually brought on by a traumatic event or strong emotions (like almost dying (Derek), grief and guilt (Malia) or getting kidnapped by crazy, immortal scientists (Theo)).

So yes, the Dread Doctors may have messed with his DNA, but he was still born a werewolf, and he doesn't lose certain abilities just because they decided to play God.

Also sort of removes the possibility that a lot of Theo's body parts aren't actually his, because it is one of the only other explanations for him to have that ability. (which is pretty gruesome, in retrospect.)

Hayden is a werejagaur originally, and while you could just say its due to a lack of experience, it's never stated whether she or any of the other chimeras have the same ability that Theo does. Aside from a tail, Tracey doesn't even end up a full Kanima at any point.

And for all we know, the entire Tara story could've been fabricated by the Dread Doctors to try and manipulate Theo into remaining in their captivity. The idea that they can alter/hide/erase memories is something that was severely under explored in the show. Like almost everything else to do with that storyline.

Or maybe it did happen and that's what triggered his shift. (which is what the Doctors were hoping for.)

The Hales have an extensive amount of secret relatives no one knows about but them. Cora, Malia, Derek's son Eli. It's not farfetched to assume there's more out there.

Plus, if you stare at Shelley and Cody long enough, they sort of look related.

[fandoms-of-a-random-existence]

Is this that thing that you like? (/j but also where would I be able to find it it looks interesting)

FSJFHSKFJSKHH I-

okay I will admit i was not expecting anyone to ask but holy shit/pos

Okay, so confession time, Kings in the Corner is actually a closed discord ARG that is actually on hiatus right now because of IRL things, however the mods decided to leave it as a sandbox for the players and we have steadily been descending into madness and brainrot (dreamscapes arc my beloved)

And so, I don't actually remember how we got on the topic but eventually a bunch of us came to the conclusion "being insane about the blorbos on the discord isn't enough, we need to subject the rest of the world to our brainrot, what if we posted on tumblr like it was an actual fandom with no context" and well I am giving context now but shhh don't worry about it sorry I took so long to reply, I just. there's so much...this is gonna be long- anyways since there really isn't any way to get kitc content besides the players brainrot spilling over, here~! (apologies for the way this is. not likely all that comprehensible)

The basic plot is you/your character has been invited to the Kingdom in the Four Corners where we have a King, Queen, and Jack for each card suit, and each player is/was assigned a suit based off of your vibes, and later on, just got shunted into diamonds due to the uh. tragedies. Anyways! Because of the way the invitation works, all the characters have the potential to be from different worlds and universes which has led to the colorful cast of characters including [looks at notes]

-Fallen London OC

-Twisted Wonderland OC

-An actual Warriorcat

-Doctor Who x the Beatles OC

-Charas from players own original worlds <3

-The personification of healing from grief who is also from pathologic now

-AND FUCKING HOMESTUCKED

All I really have to say about the last one is don't take any orange pills the Jokers give you. (The Jokers are... actually I should preface this with the information none of us take drugs irl, but they are the closest thing to medical doctors we've got so uh, if you want to take some joker drugs to get a funky hallucination to learn more details about the rebellion/experience the previous Ace's executions for yourself as a side effect for your stomach ache, well are they they guys you wanna see! Apparently Jokers start their training at age 10 and it's very fucked up and also there are domestic and feral jokers??? I am concerned.)

Honestly so much has happened in a relatively short period of time I don't think I could summarize all the important bits but some of the highlights so far include: -The Bitchless Allegations: King Dani of Diamonds (Incredibly Bitchless, the Universe told me-) accosted a group of candidates (Ash, Hugo(ne), Raevyn, and Riyo iirc) who proceeded to get his ass. He stabbed Hugo in retaliation with his fancy magic sword that he shouldn't have even really had, Hugo was spitting up red jewels for a while, and almost died. All Spades got free access to Diamonds tower though so uh,,, winning I guess??

-There was a bit more lore in the interim and some puzzled solved but to be honest I don't remember much-

-The Bear.

-Also the Hearts' resident gays Salem and Luci (Saluci beloved <3) (admittedly not together yet) hatched a plot to fake a fight so the could befriend everyone despite the wild and horrific state of relationships between the candidates. They fucked it up. Luci and Riyo's friendship will never return. Esp after the Hugone incident-

(And oh yeah, Riyo punched Luci at one point, breaking her face revealing the fact she's an artificial being made of porcelain and some sort of magical energy and I may be getting the lore wrong but she's so cool-)(Salem helped patch up the hole in her face with a pretty glass mosaic and waaaaa)

-At one point the 8 year old Diamond, and 11 year old Club stood on each others shoulders wearing a trench coat and called themselves "Painsley" (Paeden-Ainsley) to try and get joker drugs. They failed and only got glitter, and it was hilarious

-Olive the scientists experiments with almond water, I genuinely have no recollection of the details alas, but i have been told it was very neat and was unknowable by science. Also he got an entire almond out of it.

-One of the Most Days Ever: our small 8 year old boy made of clay had been recently possessed by a 45 yr old catholic man, who, while he was cooperative at first in helping getting Paeden back, soon realized if this went through he'd die, and so he ran off into the woods after burning the notes, and so candidates were sent to chase after him. It. Did not go well. (while the chasing him down and catching him went quite well, after the catching... not so good)

+There is a dice mechanic for certain actions, and uh. well. Two people rolled to toss knives (and like. intimidation. slight limb removal. he'd already reattached an arm, it would have been fineeeee aha) at Frankenpaeden, and both rolled nat 1s. Bye bye clay boy </3

(Knife to the head </3. Dw Salem resurrected him later on via sacrificing a bit of vasts life force and the boy is back!)

+But it doesn't end there! Oh no! That'd be too simple! Good ol' Queen Dorset of Diamonds himself (the grandmilf in the flesh) who originally sent the candidates out, tells them to head back to the castle and not leave their towers for the rest of the night. He then proceeds to head to the cave in the woods where one of the former candidates (who withdrew to go and become a Joker, changed his name and everything, incidentally also one of the people most attached to the now dead small child) was busy having visions in his emo cave. They did joker drugs mixed with bits of clay from the boy's body to try and bring him back, and well. They did not bring him back. Also Kane/Jahan rolled a 100 on the d100 for the joker drugs, becoming immortal and also insane and kinda possessed by the universe. The player may have left the server, but the guy is apparently still in a joker larvae stage in one of the cupboards. The life cycle of Jokers is deranged (i want to say affectionate but. man)

+if you thought the night's insanity ended there, you'd be wrong! Meanwhile with the candidates, they're all handling the death of the small child in very different ways! Ash, for example, the actual killer? No remorse whatsoever, a simple "Oops," vs Riyo who is very traumatized by all of this, Hugo's who's a little manic about it, and Raevyn, who for context is a and inherently tragic sort of character who literally cannot feel emotions past a certain threshold otherwise their biology fucks them over and purges it, is making smores up in the rafters, and Luci cannot believe these people, "A child has just died-!"

+Oh my god this next bit needs even more context, but up until this point Raevyn and Hugo have been in a very fucked up twin relationship despite not actually being related where Hugo is unhealthily codependent and Raevyn is simply incapable of returning the trust. The players had a cool plot in the works with lots of dominos that were half set up, what with Hugo using a machine from the future to turn his emotions into rocks so he didn't have to deal with them, and eating rocks made from Raevyn's emotions in an effort to be closer to them. Unfortunately, the partially set up dominos fell fast and in wrong directions.

+So anyways, Luci, already having negative feelings toward Hugo, who admittedly doesn't like her either, takes out her own feelings on Hugo along the lines of "What the fuck is wrong with you, eating smores so happily while a child has just DIED, what the fuck, you just stood around giggling as Riyo had a breakdown in the woods!" and then it devolved into a "I had to make sure Raevyn was okay" "OH, FINE job of that you've been doing! Do you know about their breakdown from two days ago? Would you care? Or do you plan on just shoving all your feelings into pebbles and never thinking about any of it again" and one thing leads to another, Hugo devolves into self hate and starts lashing out, accidentally ripping Raevyn's worldview out from under them, and now instead of 1 imminent mental breakdown, we have 2.

+Long story short, things get fucked up, lore is surprisingly hard to summarize, uh, Hugo eventually does die, Raevyn biology hijacks the way they can't feel emotions and shunts the Hugo(ne) memories in that hole and so now they have Hugo-specific amnesia, and the Hugo is replaced by another time travelling version of himself (Newgo).

(It. it sure was a day.)

-And so! The next day dawns! "Man," we think to ourselves, "Yesterday sure was wild! I hope nothing too wild happens today so we can process everything!" and then Otterson takes an orange pill from one of the Jokers and gets turned into a Homestuck troll, via hallucinated autocanabalism. I sure wish I was making this up-

(I was in vc when this was going down. Cannot coherently explain the mixture of emotions I felt that day.)

-So now Otterson is a troll! Who eats glass! The glass bit is now a very important part of their character, much in the same way Riyo is pals with The Bear, Raevyn is the Bearer of Baked Goods, and Diego is our four-eyed forest friend who brough mud into Club Tower to sleep in.

+She breaks into all of the towers except Spades to eat their windows, only thwarted by Raevyn bribing it with homemade stained glass so as to not eat the very cool stained glass windows that Spades Tower has.

+Fellow Club, eldritch forest being Diego, is interested in this window-eating endeavor, and the two of them put on silly hats and become "Jeff" and "Codeline Sealson," very impressive window inspectors!

+Having wised to "Jeff's" tricks, it is especially funny when Otterson comes in, rolls a high enough persuasion, causing Luci to believe that Otterson has indeed gone to window-school, and is actually quite experienced in these issues!

+Anyways it turns out there was a gas leak in Clubs Tower. Classic KitC /hj +I also want to share the glory that were the matched statuses from that day:

-as a Raevyn with wings i speak for the birds. please don't eat our windows </3

-gasleak gatekeep girlboss

-gasleak glassbreak, gayboss.

-i have pelicans in my brain (also, why is there So Much Glass in the courtyard???)

-Out of sight, out of mind, What windows?

-windows ar3 sooooo tast3y!!!! >:)!!!

-[Looking over at the from afar.] Clubs are getting carbon monoxide poisoning?

-So! Sideplot time! Raevyn, Newgo, and Otterson are all down bad for one of their respective royalties, Queen September of Spades, King Shams of Spades, and King Caius of Clubs. Otterson seduces Caius with pipebombs, gifts of rat-children, and simply by being herself. Caius is captivated by her cowtroll swag. Hugo fails miserably by playing into Shams insecurities. Raevyn's crush never gets off the ground due to a mixture of denial, and also the mod in charge of September's tupper being very busy. Otterson is the sole winner!! Royal Romancers you were such fun up until the hiatus was announced </3

-Oh yeah Otterson also set a bunch of bear traps out once. It was great, even if none of the character appreciated it. She also got caught in one of her own traps fhdjfhdskfhs

-other fun things to note, there are a lot of animal companions, The Bear, which is actually an unfathomable eldritch creature who knows everything and likes baked goods (although it does seem to have gotten a taste for meat recently... goddamn it ottey/j) Ollie the mouse <3 who was orignally gifted to Luci, but she couldn't keep it bc Salem's raven Omen, technically a part of themself, would have eaten Ollie, so Ollie lives in Spades Tower with Page now. There is also a tiny cat-shaped fluffball named Acheron who goes by "Ghost," bc he's a bitch and hates everyone and only lets Raevyn know its name. Not actually a cat, but who really knows what they are. There is also some funky magic dog named Charon who is attached to and protects Otterson, and has a very charged hatred and rivalry with Acheron, it's very funny. Olive also build an android spider who became sentient an unionized <3 love to see it <3 Arsenic my beloved <3

-dreamscapes arc <3

-Now that the server has been placed on hiatus, the players were given free reign. I do wonder if the Universe (the mods) hide in fear of what they have inadvertently created- And so now it's time to bring in the other ocs~! Starting with Zoran my beloved, Luci's wretched brother the dreamwalker <3 (Entertainingly, ae was teased during a previous Luci-Raevyn conversation, where Raevyn promised they'd run aer over with their motorcycle if he ever showed up. Unfortunately for Luci, Raeven and Zoran have since developed a gay relationship. I and Raevyn are regularly bullied for our bad taste, as though it's not all going to go spiraling anyways smh /hj)

"zoran is great because for the first hour of knowing him aes charming and funny and normal and then out of left field he says some shit like “it’s not MY fault her best friend got stabbed. idk why luci was so upset about it” and your like Oh. Bastard." -quote from kitc server

+Salem, our eldritch bird person who is also the personification of healing from grief and has some powers over dreams is visited by this silly little gayass who judges the forest, and then kidnaps Salem via dream to meet his mother, the evil mad scientist dr. milf /j (please I don't want to call her that why must everyone continue saying it-) who tries to experiment on vast, but is thwarted by Salem being cool and having dream powers. Justified grudge against Zoran is held. +Meanwhile~! Little gayboy is off having fun and poking around other people's dreams, goes around causing mayhem and eats glass with Otterson, visits a cool tea house with Hugo, gets lots of enrichment from Raevyn's unhinged dreamscape with a alice in wonderlandesque chase scene, and a fancy tea party where they are attacked by a giant monster and card soldiers, and then take him to see the wishing tree. They also give aer the crown from the monster they defeated before waking up. gay people <3

+And so Zoran returns to visit Salem, where ae is promptly cursed to feel all the grief he's ever caused via doing his mother's dirty work and killing a lot of people. I should also mention he feels no remorse and is just kinda like "You gotta do what you gotta do, people die all the time." Salem fucking hates him. Sorry gayboy, welcome to The Horrors. It will not get better for you from here.

+Anyways so now Zoran is utterly haunted by The Horrors (Grief) and in aer efforts to ignore it, he goes off to hang out in dreams. He visits Otterson, and ae ends up finding out a little too much about their trauma, and she is not thrilled. He also is a bitch who is far too blasé about the corpse of her son he finds in the dreamscape. He is evicted from the premises.

+He then visits Olive the scientists dream! Finally someone who is normal about death! There is very cool floral imagery growing from the body of an unkillable patient. It's so cool

+Zoran's ass gets kicked by the personification of creation and art, physically (got yoinked out of the mirror) and also psychologically. Rip little gayboy you really are suffering The Horrors.

+Afterwards he visits Raevyn dreams once again, to fulfil their promises of stealing another crown so the two of them could match, there are so many fun visuals I'm so sorry I can't just show them all, but commit crime and theft in fancy outfits and they dance again, but the roles are switched from the tea party where Zoran dipped Raevyn, and now Raevyn's the one spinning aer around, I am so normal about Raeran I promise- So they get the crown, Zoran places it on Raevyn's head the way they did the same for him previously, and then that one wakes up, leaving Zoran along </3

+Soothed slightly from Eminence-induced horrors, Zoran visits Hugo again! But instead of a nice little tea shop, welcome to a warped coliseum where you get to watch a twisted memory from the shade of Hugone! For context, the memory was Hugone and Raevyn having to fight "to the death" (planning on faking it, bc of Raevyn's regenerative ability) to escape this planet they were stuck on, but as is the way with dreams, things get a little fuzzy around the edges, and the Hugo in the arena ends up graphically murdering Dream!Raevyn. Good lord poor gayboy, so sorry about you having to witness this- Newgo also ends up losing lucidity, and ends up in Hugone's place, where the Raevyn's corpse comes alive in a nightmarish way and rips his heart out. Newgo takes this very well, and calls the actual Raevyn a heartless bitch in responce. The twins are not okay.

+So now Zoran is really just out here having a time, huh? Honestly I tend to forget how terrible he is simply bc he's just out here taking L after L, but now he's poking around the mirrors and he mimics Page's reflection but moves differently, and scares Page. Admittedly it is not hard to scare Page, but still. Zoran is captivated by Ollie the mouse who hates him <3 what can I say the animals hate his vibes. During this, Page inadvertently gives Zoran a link to the world of kitc so he can come out of the mirrors in the form of a rubber ball... whoops? Dw Zoran does not have the time to use this power for evil, busy as ae is with The Horrors +Zoran then facilitates a shared dreamscape between Otterson, Hugo, Raevyn, and also Otterson's recently mentioned cousin Bunnyman. Hugo and Bunnyman spend the dream flirting via eating grenades and blowing up castles. Raevyn and Zoran spend the dream flirting via eating lit grenades and also liquid stardust. Turns out that stardust was the real deal aha and now Raevyn's biology has integrated it and so that one has glowing freckles and their hair is starting to be streaked a glowing white. There are more consequences that are yet to be seen. Poor Otterson spends the dream sad and alone as the 5th wheel </3

+Time again for Zoran to visit the waking world! Luci has learned about her wretched brother visiting and Is Not Happy About It. She heard through the grapevine her good friend Raevyn who is kind and desperately needs help, is friends with Zoran. And also likes him. If she hadn't already been one of the main receivers of Raevyn lore she'd probably be wondering what on earth happened in that one's life for them to like Zoran. Unfortunately, she's got a pretty good idea.

+It's through her that Page learns he's given Zoran a link to the waking world, and he freaks out, and manages to trick the ball out of Zoran's grasp, by suggesting a game of catch. Special catch... Where you catch the ball in your mouth. By some miracle, he manages to catch the ball, and then sprints away, before immediately getting caught by one of Otterson's bear traps. Rip.

+It's also fun to note that all of Page's effort was for naught, as Raevyn, horrified by the knowledge Zoran hasn't ever really eaten sweets, living mostly in mirrors and eating dream food as ae does, and bakes up a storm in the kitchen, actively using themself as an anchor to get aer out of the mirror, before feeding him many baked goods and decorating a cake together in a very gay way, before Luci crashes the part, physically drags Raevyn away, and shoos Zoran back into the mirror. you go girlboss

+Zoran's back to dreamwalking again, there's a shared dreamscape between Otterson and Roulx, resident Ghost who is unaware of that fact, and also Eminence is there. He is sunk into the ground bc no one there likes him </3 +oh yeah he also visited an Eminence dream at one point and got owned again (dropped in a void) I admit I am focusing a lot on Zoran here but also man. Ae's got his fingers into almost every pie, and also all of them are hitting him right in the face

+So let's take a break from Zoran for a bit, Salem and Luci are very cute and very gay together, and now that the divorce arc is over (wait did i mention divorce arc??? fuck i'm tired it's fine just know that it happened) they're on their engagement arc! Otterson enables and also helps get the ring for Salem, Raevyn helps Salem pick out an outfit for proposal date, and then!! Saluci proposal!!! Gay people <3

-There's another Raeran dream <3 They get to go see a bit of Raevyn's past, there is a teaser to the upcoming events where those two will venture into the depths of Raevyn's trauma to hopefully help undo all the damage and make it so they can access their emotions again, Zoran triggers a pop-up event and gets kidnapped and Raevyn goes and saves him <3 They have another cool fight scene, and then,,,,, and then,,,,, The Horrors start to catch up to Zoran and we get the dialogue: "You should go. I'm- [he laughs] I'm fine, really!! There's got to be more fun things for you to do than this!! I wouldn't to keep you waiting!" "My dear 'Ran, it's you that makes the adventures fun [Ae can tell that they mean it sincerely] I'm happy to wait with you as long as you need" (I am so normal about Raeran I promise, so so normal-) +okay man so it's been hours and I'm tired so we're gonna go a little faster, but Zoran visits more dreams, meets the Hugo family, and then stumbles into Otterson's dreams and makes. all the wrong decisions. and accidentally kills Otterson bc he was told if he killed this [Otterson first name reveal] ae'd get to know where Otterson was, and also she looked the way she did when she was human, and not homestucked. So yeah, he goes to apologise IRL and is vibed checked by Charon the magical dog, who Zoran thinks is a cat. I will never get over that/pos +Charon hates him. Zoran's terrible vibes continue to annoy the animal companions <3 Oh yeah and I think Page bit Zoran around this time as well- +But anyways! Meanwhile, with Saluci, everything was going a little too well and the evil writers couldn't have that! So uh whoops, Luci's memories of Salem have been stolen, just as she once warned could happen.... time to go track down the little gayboy and threaten him until ae spills the beans ig

+Salem uses dream powers to go mucking around looking for Zoran with Luci, and they eventually find him in Raevyn's dream, doing some very gay flirt-sparring. Raevyn's taste is once again insulted, and Zoran is dreamnapped from their arms.

+Salem then proceeds to torture Zoran with the grief curse in hopes to get aer to give back the memories. It doesn't work, but hey! Luci was into it! Salem is morally opposed but too gay to care. Anyways, seeing as how this isn't going to work, Luci kills Zoran, the third Luci sibling shows up, and they work out a deal to get Luci's memories back in exchange for a favor from Salem. The gay people are back in action!! Rip to Zoran though ae's just Not Having A Good Time, and it'll only get worse!

+So you've just been killed, and now you want to go hang out with a friend in their dreams! Well, sorry gayboy but you really picked the wrong friend.... Zoran back to making the wrong choices in Ottey dreams, culminating in Otterson fucking losing it/pos and eating him alive, which is neat bc as an artificial being the squishy insides as a result of aer being bound by the dreamscape was very cool and evocative,,,, Anyways his death summons the third of the sibling Kier again, who calls him cringe as he's picking back up the body to be repaired, again, who Otterson promptly flirts with over Zoran's dead body. Zoran is naturally offended by this and complains to Raevyn later on. "She murdered me. Utterly ruined my outfit with blood. Ate a bit my face, too. And worst of all!!! I think she was hitting on Kier!!! Over my dead body!!"

+But yeah! It's finally time for the regularly scheduled break from The Horrors! Welcome to Raevyn's very cool masquerade dream~! More delightful imagery, I can't stop thinking about the color coordination of Raeran, Raevyn with their white and lavender ombre dress and silver mask contrasting to black hair, vs Zoran white hair, black mask, black and dark purple suit and cape and WAH

(I'm sorry that i don't have the energy to go into it rn, but they're so narratively compatible and their motifs and outlooks fit so well and they make me insane)

But so that's more or less how it's going in kitc-verse! I'd apologise about the info dump but I'm afraid I'm not actually too sorry about it, and the brainrot has me by the throat, I can't wait to see how all the things unfold Hope you enjoyed the un-asked for infodump in exchange for the tragic news kitc is not actually a piece of consumable media no matter how much I wish it was!

[danses-with-dogmeat]

🏫🍻🔪 - For Boone? :D (first name pls)

Also huge congrats on your followers! It's a huge milestone and something to be incredibly proud of! Your writing is incredible and I always love reading your stuff!

Ahh, thank you so much my lovely! 😊😩 And yay! We love Boone ❤

NSFW under the cut!

C) Cum (anything to do with cum, basically):

Once the two of you have been together awhile, he'll ask, before the heat of the night really sets in, if he can finish inside you (opting to have maybe a longer conversation on the matter if his partner is female.) He loves the intimacy of you being wrapped around him, and pressed against him in that moment of sheer bliss, and he can't help but admit to you that he's always loved the idea of having a family. Even if he doesn't always believe he deserves it...

R) Risk (are they game to experiment? Do they take risks? Etc.):

With everything the man's been through, he's not big on taking risks. So, nowhere particularly public or dangerous. Somewhere where the two of you might get caught harmlessly wouldn't be completely off the table, but for the most part, anything too public is going to be a 'no' for the ex-soldier, for the sake of your safety, if nothing else.

A) Aftercare (what they're like after sex):

Boone's not really one for many words, but he likes to be close to you after the fact, pulling you into his strong chest as he wraps his arms around you and listens intently to the soft praise and declarations you may whisper to him. He'll even grant you a rare smile as he contently listens to your breath begin to slow as you both drift off to sleep together.

I) Intimacy (how are they during the moment? The romantic aspect):

He may not be one for too many words, but his actions speak volumes when it comes to his devotion to you. If he's with you, then that means he's willing to put aside his grief and guilt in order to be with you, he loves you, and he wants it known. And he makes it known with his closeness to you, opting to press his body flush against your own, have his hands wander and grasp tightly over you, singe you with searing kisses against your mouth, neck, or shoulders, and almost an uncomfortable amount of intense eye contact (when the position allows, that is.)

G) Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? Are they humorous? Etc.):

He's not goofy, but he's also not as serious as you may think. In the same way he cracks dry jokes once in awhile out in the open, in the bedroom he sometimes will make a choice comment or two that bring a smile to your face, maybe about the sounds and curses that spill from your lips, when he notices the ruined state he seems to put you in, or afterwards, about his enjoyment of being with you. They're not all 'laugh out loud' comments, but they tend to be lighter than his usual commentary, that's for certain.

[l-e-e-woso]

Mental Health Is Important!

All of this is based on my own personal experience! Warning this could be triggering for some people!

I just wanted to make a post about Mental Health because of the current state of a lot of things all over the UK and well the entire World really. 

Even if someone just wants someone to rant to without being judged please feel free to private message me or send an Anon message. 

You can also message or anon message, @dutch-gay86

__________________________

I know that Mental Health is talked about a lot more in the recent years but personally I think that most of the support that is out there is for adults. 

I know that when I was in high school, we never ever had any sort of mental health help. 

I’ve been having therapists/counsellors since I was in Year 5 in Primary School and I think the longest amount of time that I had a therapist/counsellor was about 8 weeks. I mean how do they expect you to be able to get comfortable talking about some of the darkest, deepest and most depressing things that have happen in your life when you know that you are just another patient so that they can get their paycheck.

I know that especially in the UK that with the state of the NHS, you could literally be on the edge and you would still be on a waiting list for the most part of a year. 

__________________________

In the UK or at least where I live in the UK, there is a program form Mental Health called CAMS which is a range of counselling/therapy for Depression, Anxiety, ADHD, Sexuality, Gender Identity, Trauma, Grief and many other things.

But the only way to really get into CAMS is if your School refers you to them which is a terrible way of getting therapy/counselling because most teacher do not give two shits about their student’s well-being whether it be physically or mentally.

In my particular friend group during my High School years, every single one of us, including myself, got bullied for the entire 5 years of school. The amount of times that we would go the head of our year or the Principal to get them to do something about it was absurd.

There were days that me and my friends would literally be terrified to go into school due to the fact that we could possibly get jumped just because of our sexuality or gender identity.

I mean I can take jokes about being a lesbian but some of the things they would say about me and my friends were disgusting. I would not wish that type of mental abuse upon anybody even if they were the worst person on Earth.

__________________________

I remember this on particular incident that happened in like my fourth year of high school.

It was during a Physical Education class and usually I would go get dressed in a completely different room because I knew that there were a huge group of ‘popular girls’ that would always be in there but this one particular day I had to be in this changing room with them because there wasn’t another room available due to some really bad floods that we had that damaged a lot of that section of the school.

As any normal teenage lesbian, I tried to make absolutely no eye contact with any girl in that changing room out of respect for them cause it’s just common decency or at least I think it is. But I had looked up for literally a second and made eye contact with this one particular girl.

This girl immediately thought that I was checking her out and had this massive crush on her, which I definitely did not because 1) I have standards and 2) I had a long-term girlfriend at the time.

But instead of talking to me she spread rumours around our year basically saying, I liked her and that I was a perv. Which once again I literally made eye contact with her for a second, but this girl was one of those girls that loved being the centre of any kind of attention and well bullying people.

I eventually found out about the rumours later that day and what did I do? I fucking confronted her which in hindsight wasn’t the best thing to do. When I did confront this girl, her sister came over to me and threatened to beat me up but I’m not one for violence, so I just backed away then went home. 

Later that evening the same girl somehow managed to find my Instagram and started harassing me. Saying if I ever went back to school that her older sister would jump me before I even got into the school building, so I did the stupid thing and thought nothing of it. I went back to school the next day and I can tell you now, she was serious about her sister jumping me. I ended up being sent home because I had bruises and cuts all over me but luckily, I was fine physically but mentally not so much.

Y’know what the school did? They suspended the girl’s sister for a week and told me to see the school therapist/counsellor for a week or two. Eventually, I just didn’t go to school unless I had to because I was terrified of being there that I couldn’t concentrate on any schoolwork. And guess what they didn’t refer me to get any real help. 

What is even worse is that it’s still happening at that school. I read on the news that a few students followed a fellow student to the train station near the school and beat the shit out of him and left him there because they found out he was transgender. 

Honestly, I don’t understand how that school is still open.

  __________________________

A year after I had left high school I decided to try and get my mental health sorted out, so I went to the doctors to get referred to a specialist.

When I finally got to the appointment, they said there was no reason for me to be there because I hadn’t physically hurt myself or anyone else, so I got sent away and told that I was fine, I didn’t need help. 

Honestly, I was speechless. I mean I had literally told them about the high school experience that I wrote about above and I had lost three of the most important people in my life but nope I was perfectly fine.

__________________________

I have quite a good therapist/counsellor at the moment and I will be forever thankful for her. I mean I will never get over that pain but I at least except that without that experience I would not be where I am today or the person that I am.

What I’m getting at is that, there should be more mental health support for teens and younger people because it basically inaccessible to them.

[kittenzeke]

content warning: sex mention, intimate health details

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Recent events have led me to suspect I may be experiencing "vaginal atrophy" from the testosterone. I'm going to have to talk to the gyno or my primary about it. I should probably address this before my hysterectomy.

Basically, I had fun the other day but penetration was off the table. My buddy tried and I was just too tight for him to enter.

I'm usually not all that into casual sex anymore. I wonder if I acted this way out of grief. I've read it can make people hornier sometimes. It's just weird of me because I don't experience much attraction unless a close emotional bond is established- hence the label "demisexual."

I don't know if it was out of spite for Rasheed. He did offer sex a while back but again I just don't want to (with him) because he's not in a healthy enough state of mind to offer me consent and doesn't seem interested in fixing that.

It is frustrating the intimacy/love is not coming from him since I do have romantic feelings for him, not my friend. I still wish he'd do things like cuddle and eat with me and let me take care of him.

I don't think he cares I'm messing around with other people. I don't know if it will help me get over him either.

One other friend said it is worth the trouble and trauma response to have fun with other people. He thinks it's good because I'll think of Rasheed less and any effort to finally move on (no matter how small) is preferable.

At least my friend with benefits was willing to try the naan I made and have a real conversation with me. I can trust him not to steal from me too.

By the way, I don't get why the sex set off a trauma response which triggered me into a fibromyalgia flare either. It wasn't a bad experience. It was expected because this happens even after I masturbate sometimes, but it's still confusing.

I keep disconnecting from the fact that if I want to receive official help with my day to day life that I require thanks to my disability, I *have* to leave Rasheed behind.

There's a shortage of caregivers. I won't get signed with one unless my good friend continues to want to help. Again, she will NOT work for me if I establish more commitment with Rasheed.

She thinks I don't care about her future kid/kids because I haven't stopped talking to him yet, by the way. He shouldn't matter to me because I don't benefit from him in any way. He still does, for whatever reason.

There's other reasons I don't truly want to be tied to him. Especially not legally. I mean he clearly doesn't have my best interest at heart. It should be a no brainer to hit the block button because then I will be less stagnant with my other goals.

It's almost as if I want a distraction from whatever would bring me real happiness.

It's like I don't think I deserve to be happy or I'm scared to let myself even find peace.

[wanderingwomanwondering]

Buddie & Ode to Joy

Tagging @raiphend​. I think you read my other post on this (thanks!) and might be interested in this one.

Beethoven’s Ode to Joy was used in two episodes of 911: Jinx 406 and Dumb Luck 514. The piece is so epic and also not in line with the show’s usual soundtrack selections. Though to be fair the song was only hummed in Dumb Luck. I don’t think we can ignore it either case. I shared my initial unformed thoughts about Ode to Joy in a Buddie context here. I finally think I have something more coherent to say lol.

Ode to Joy is an epic symphony about the joy and ecstasy of coming together. It’s about humanity joining with the divine/universe, humanity joining with one another, and individuals coming together in love/romantic union. I think it’s intentional that the song was chosen for episodes about the universe attempting to guide us and about finding meaning in the apparent chaos of existence.

In Jinx, the firefam is running all over LA dealing with a range of emergencies because Ravi used the word “quiet”. In that episode, the firefam themselves experience two emergencies. The powerline falls on the firetruck and they have to be rescued and Brian steals the firetruck, preventing them from helping people in need. The firefam conversation during the powerline collapse was the one that brought us “the universe is screaming at you and you refuse to listen” comment. This was Buck’s line to Eddie. The second firefam emergency situation brought us Eddie asking Brian to be brave and do the right thing and get unstuck from his pattern. Both situations underscore the fact that Eddie couldn’t hear the universe so universe had to raise her voice to be heard. Isn’t that what a 911 call is? Raising your voice so that you can be heard, found, and rescued. The universe was signaling that Eddie was in a state of emergency way back in s4, just nobody quite noticed, least of all him! 

The emergencies (among other things) were the sign for Eddie to seek help and make important changes in his life. Unfortunately he misread the signs. Remember, he reconnected with and started dating Ana in Jinx! He misheard what the universe was screaming for him to do. I think that misread of the situation is marked by the fireworks scene in Jinx where a man mishandles the fireworks which are usually signs of joyful celebration and actually accidentally ends up burning his house/home down. This dangerous scene unfolds while Ode to Joy is playing! Eddie’s growing interest in Ana was distracting him from the deeper more relevant issues in his life in addition to her just not being the person he really wanted in his life. Eddie needed a joyful union or two in his life but not with Ana. Ode to Joy felt so mismatched with what was going on in the episode and I think that was on purpose.

In Dumb Luck, the firefam saves a woman impaled by a stop sign. She had a big red flag on the back of her bicycle and a sign asking people to share the road. The woman had been humming Ode to Joy just before the accident. She was basically calling for people to come together and share the road with her. To slow down and be patient and enjoy the ride. Remember, the truck went too fast over a speed bump which sent the stolen stop sign flying at her. Buck was on that call. I think Buck’s reservations about Taylor were the speed bump that he ignored and it’s causing both him and Taylor (who I don’t care about and also don’t full on hate) a lot of grief. On top of that, Buck was on that call with Lucy. They worked together to pull out the stop sign. I think Lucy is another speed bump on Buck’s road to Eddie. Eddie being the one he should be sharing the road with but he’s dealing with the Taylor of it all and Lucy acted as a catalyst for all the drama that’s needed to break Taylor and Lucy up. I really don’t think he’s going to date her or anything. She’s just there as an additional sign that his relationship with Taylor is not good for him at all.

Again we get Ode to Joy mismatched with the situation. A lonely person on a mostly quiet road being bypassed and ignored by passersby. She’s angry when they swerve around her because they’re not sharing the road but still she’s humming Ode to Joy. I think it symbolizes the way that Buck wants a deep and meaningful romantic connection with someone but he’s on the Taylor road right now and he’s somewhat isolated. He doesn’t have her interact much with the 118/Eddie (and with the exception of the dinner in 511) it’s usually for work when she does interaction marginally with them. 

The person that Buck does seem to be sharing the road with is Eddie but he hasn’t realized that yet. The person Eddie is being brave with and getting unstuck with is Buck but he doesn’t seem to fully realize that yet either, or he hasn’t admitted it to himself.

Ode to Joy is about honoring the universe’s call to come together and to be together, to share our lives and joys. Both Eddie and Buck want that and need that but they are taking detours left and right. Eddie has slowed down and stopped to check his GPS and reroute but Buck is still cycling down that lonely back road humming the tune but not actually building the kind of life that with manifest the spirit of Ode to Joy. Well, he’s totally building that life with Eddie but that won’t click with him until he realizes that he’s doing it!

[spiced-demon]

Let’s put it all out there. I’m high enough that I don’t really care right now.

I still wish you loved me. I know you and basically every other fucking person on this planet just think I’m a big baby that needs to get over things. If I could force myself to get over it like you and every other person is fucking apparently able to do, I wouldn’t be getting drunk or high to deal with it.

I’ve been throwing myself at literally whoever I get the opportunity to throw myself at. Right now I’m “juggling” two couples and another girl. It’s definitely not where I saw this going. It’s definitely not what I want. But we’re all using each other for one reason or another. I’ve made myself physically ill with the level of anxiety I experience and this fucking cloud of depression that comes and goes when I do shit like this. I’m waiting for the day that kissing or being kissed, touching or being touched, holding or being held by someone else will make me feel something. I act like it doesn’t phase me. I act like I know what the fuck I’m doing. I act like I’m not terrified or in a frenzy or so fucking sick every time something happens, but it never fails. I never feel a genuine attraction. I never feel cared for. I never feel happy. All it is, is fear. Discomfort. Sickness. Despair. Grief. Heartache.

I always thought if I cared enough for somebody, loved them enough and showed it, that nothing could go wrong. Lol I was so convinced that I really could have whatever I worked hard for. Whatever I genuinely and truly, purely put my heart into. This love… it’s not fake. It’s not an infatuation. But it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t mean anything to you or anybody else. And I’m not saying that to try and point a finger, I’m just stating it as a fact. It’s been told to me that nobody gives a shit, so I know that’s what it is.

So instead of killing myself, I drink away my thoughts, although I’ll admit, that often does make me want to kill myself worse than usual. I eat gummies that make me like this— where I can feel that there’s sadness in there but it doesn’t feel like it’s touching me— I feel freer. Until this anxiety sets in that everything is going to start coming back. But I at least don’t want to put my head through the wall. Or find a hammer or belt or anything hard or sharp to just fucking destroy myself with. I flirt and sext and engage in questionable physical activity. Just praying to fucking God that someday it’s gonna feel different. That it won’t feel like torture. That I won’t want to kill myself after. My body was complete when it was yours. And now it’s just broken. Damaged.

The thing that I think is funny is that I still think about you just as much. I spend just as much time with you in my thoughts. But I finished the semester in school on a really high note. I did really well on finals. I’m doing really well studying before we head into all this new stuff. But I think about you all the time. I just think my body is giving up. My heart has decided to wither inside instead of making me embarrass myself by showing it to everyone. Maybe thats the gummies more than anything else lol But at least its working