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#batkids
bruciemilf · 2 days
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As a reward for helping with a problem, John Constantine wants to give Bruce a chance to talk to his parents. “I can only do one at a time, thought, so, who’s first?”
Bruce sweats, “That won’t be necessary.”
The batkids watch like ??? they’ve seen Bruce in every state a man could succumb and raise, but they’ve never seen him scared. Alfred calmly steps forward, “Please do.”
“No. Don’t.”
John “I don’t want peace, I want trouble, always” Constantine smells some opportunity for chaos and grabs it.
The result of that is the very angry spirit of Thomas Wayne fixing Bruce with the glare of the year, “You dropped oUT OF MED SCHOOL?!” The entire mansion seems to tremble.
Bruce yelps like a scolded cat and runs around the dining table, “I was busy with BATMAN—“
“ Che cazzo è un Batman, — Get back here! You were there a year, — Che cazzo fai, CHE CAZZO FAI?! Pack your bags, you’re going back.”
To the batkids’ absolute horror Bruce starts to cry, face watery and bright, and they finally understand what Alfred meant by tantrums. “Non voglio tornare indietro, papà!”
“Non mi interessa, cazzo, — wait till your mother hears about this, Harley graduated with HONORS. What exemple are you giving to my grandkids? Don’t — Don’t run, GET BACK HERE!”
Tim sweats in high school dropout, Dick sweats in cop, Jason sweats in drug lord, Damian sweats in art kid, and Stephanie just sweats in general.
“Should, uh… Should we help?”
“Are you kidding? I haven’t seen Jason this happy since the Queen died.”
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incorrectbatfam · 24 hours
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How small must the world be for both Bruce and Tim to witness John and Mary Grayson's deaths
Or for 10-year-old Duke to crack the Riddler's puzzle before Batman swoops in and saves the day, long before his powers came into play
Or for Sheila Haywood to leave her son only to end up assisting his killer a decade and a half later
Not to mention the popular fanon concept of Jason knowing baby Damian in the League of Assassins
Now imagine how many other invisible strings could've tied them together
Like what if Tim and Jason went to the same school when Jason was Robin but all they shared was the occasional bump and "excuse me" in the busy halls
Or what if Babs was a tutor and helped an elementary-aged Steph finally understand her homework only for the Browns to cancel after a couple sessions because they couldn't afford it
What if the first person to buy Cass a hot meal was Kate on one of her travels
What if Alfred witnessed young Selina shoplifting groceries but chose to turn a blind eye
What if Jason lived on the same streets as the Row siblings and gave little Harper tips on how to use tools and defend her brother
What if Steph and Duke shared the same school bus, only he sat in the front while she was toward the back
What if the first person to teach Tim how to tie his shoes was Bruce at a gala because Jack and Janet were busy talking to someone important
What if Bette did a DNA test for fun and found a connection in Nanda Parbat but just assumed the results was faulty because she knew her whole family, right?
What if 8-year-old Dick, the day before his parents died, stayed at a cheap hotel near Crime Alley and found 4-year-old Jason wandering alone and said, "I'll be your big brother for tonight"
What if the universe knew they were made for each other and wouldn't rest until they realized it too
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satoshy12 · 3 days
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She is her Dad's daughter
Bruce. "Cass isn't like me!" The rest of the bat family looked behind Bruce as Cass walked in with in her arms the Phantom Thief that she hunted. She turned to them and waved and walked away. Jason:"Whatever helps you sleep at night, old man." 
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Danny said to himself as he was kidnapped by a hero, "Why is this my life? All I wanted was fun. But she is cute!" Danny didn't really fight back.
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dahliakbs · 2 days
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✧⁠*⁠。Bat kids using your house as their getaway.✧⁠*⁠。
After a long day of work your decide to retire to your small and humble abode, but what's this?
A grown man and two kids sitting on your doorstep, one struggling to pick your lock while both kids sat on look out.
They immediately noticed your figure standing in the hallway.
"Um, what's all this?" You say pointing to the luggage that they've brought along with them.
"Tim drove the batmobile through the house and no one wants to be there when Bruce gets home" Dick explains.
"How'd you-"
"Honestly, I've seen five year olds with better driving skills Drake" Damian comments.
"Shut it hell spawn, not everyone was taught how to drive. Alright?" Tim says bitterly.
"Okay guys! You can not keep crashing at my place whenever something is wrong" you interrupt.
"Suppose someone sees you guys coming here" you push past Dick and push your keys in the door.
Honestly, you didn't mind their presence but sometimes they'd show up at the most random times and cause you all sorts of trouble.
Especially Jason.
Every once in a while he'll force open your side window and come inside your house to read one of the few books on your shelf.
Now that's not the problem, the problem is that half the time he bruised and bloody and your house is always his next destination after a tough fight.
On separate occasions Damian will crash at your house, mostly when he doesn't want to deal with his father's demands or if he did something wrong.
Like that one time he randomly showed up to your house with a pillow and a toothbrush and refused to tell you why he was here.
But then he's dragged back home by his dad the same evening, can't remember why.
Something about Damian blowing a hole in the back of their microwave.
But back to the present.
When you turned the knob of your front door you were immediately met with the sight of Jason Todd lounging on your sofa with a book in hand.
"What is this, a family gathering?" you walk in as the rest shuffle in behind you.
"What next, is Bruce also gonna show up out of thin air-"
Then you notice the large brooding male standing at the entrance of your kitchen silently.
.... sigh
"So you really just watched us struggle to open the door for an hour and refused to help" Tim asked while avoiding Bruce's glare.
"Basically" Jason responds.
"Your all grounded..... Including you" he points to you.
"...But I live here"
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Tim is the kind of person that thinks "Alvin Draper" is an unoriginal fake name.
Jason is the kind of person that chooses "John Doe" as a fake name and goes "yeah, that works".
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arguablysomaya · 1 day
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Batfam as Tiktok comments
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dragonpyre · 1 day
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Reverse Robins! Follow up to this comic where Robin!Jason meets a certain someone...
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bibibusinessman · 2 days
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Quotes from my life as things the Batfam would say.
Dick: Can you crop me stripping out of the photo?
Tim: Usually when I leave people have a happy smile on their faces.
Steph: It wasn’t assault it was an oopsie daisy.
Duke: Drunk driving is fine, as long as it’s not drunk crashing.
Barbara: I’m gonna eat that shit up.
Damian: I can’t tell if that’s my dad or a lesbian.
Jason: it’s not assault if you enjoy it
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morgangalaxy43 · 2 days
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I have this idea where all of Bruce’s adopted kids all have hyphenated last names with a Wayne at the end but they don’t really admit it to anyone
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Tim and Bernard
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Dick and Barbara
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1-8oo-wtfbro · 16 hours
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This is legitimately what i believe Filled with Rage Teenage Dick Grayson would’ve been doing if phones were around in his day:
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Tim at any minor inconvenience:
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bruciemilf · 3 days
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Every time the batkids get into legal trouble (damaged property fighting a villain, entitled old ladies being mad they didn’t get saved first, Damian sueing a classmate for proprietary rights over an OC he drew in class, the ONLY person they want to be represented by is Harvey.
Sure, TEHNICALLY he can’t practice anymore, but this is Gotham, and the law system is made of tangled wires. If you pull the right one, you’re in the clear.
The hardest plaintiff is Jason, by far. Ironically enough, he has the simplest cases.
“Okay, so, HOLD ON— I have to TELL you to get out of the way when Bane throws an ENTIRE truck your way? If you can’t dodge death, it deserves to have you, period.”
“Lady, I’m not going to save your weird ass dog/frog hybrid science experiment , — who BIT me, by the way, — over an entire bank full of PEOPLE.”
“Oh im sorry I forgot to pay for the overpriced 12 dollar latte while RUNNING FROM WILD MANEATING PLANTS. “
Harvey, pouring a violent amount of vodka in his coffee: your honor, my client just needs a nap probably
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incorrectbatfam · 3 days
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Jason Todd's guide to shoplifting:
Big chain, free reign. Locally owned, leave it alone
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ao3sbatfamily · 2 days
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'four brothers, one crush, and absolutely zero brain cells to be found' by Ms_Trickster
Author: @ms-trickster
Tim: i need to know what’s the best way to a boy’s heart
Damian: Easy. The best way to someone’s heart is through their ribcage. Everyone knows that.
Damian: Come on Timothy, I expected better from you.
Dick: I-
Dick: Try again
Jason: baby bat has a point
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blackbirdi · 14 hours
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Batfam Incorrect Quotes #23
Dick: We lost Damian.
Bruce: How did you lose Damian!?
Jason: Give us a break; he's like two inches tall!
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crybabylulu · 2 days
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I MISS WAYNE FAMILY ADVENTURES! 😭😭
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