#bc every aspect of life is so horrible and just keeps getting worse

[lilgynt]

okayyyyyyyyyy got lost for 3 plus hours with half a tank of gas trying to find the closet rest stop to my work with shitty directions printed at the libaryyyyy staying with a friend tonight and then probably heading home to be talked into moving back tomorrow but aha i am the devil 

[joseimukeaddict]

Probably gonna fail a class so here are random headcanons for Izumi Tachibana from A3!

(It’s pretty long IMO and not proofread, sorry)

(I also am not caught up with the JP main story past Act 10 so sorry if anything contradicts sth that happens later)

CW: it gets kinda depressing near the end, my mood kinda seeped in 😓; mostly backstory stuff

——

- my girl is bi (more so bc I want a chance)

- her mom was always a stickler for a clean house so she’s super serious about making sure everyone does their chores, even more than Sakyo

- this one is more about Yukio and her mother but that man’s taste is women is definitely serious women in charge (they say you tend to fall for someone similar to your parents *winkwonk* SakyoIzu being the gender bent ver *winkwonk*

- Women on top tho, the men are simps (Yukio has to call at least once a week or else)

- On that note, her mom definitely holds grudges by the way she doesn’t even want Yukio to be mentioned in her household; Izumi holds mini-grudges too but they eventually fade with time bc she’s forgetful and just really nice

- not one to scream at a person when she’s angry, just raises her voice and speaks in a firm tone (she’s really good at choosing the right words though so it’s kinda worse to get her mad bc she’s usually so tolerant and her words hit deep)

- always speaks from the heart so this skill not transfer to acting 😭

- when her dad left so suddenly, she tried watching plays to cope but then started crying in the middle of the performance bc she thought of what her dad would think of a specific scene bc they used to do daddy-daughter play trips

- briefly tried to take up a different artistic hobby instead of theatre but when that failed, she just threw herself into her studies

- average student but she can get higher scores if she really tries

- scores into a pretty good college but a friend encourages her to go to a decent college that at least has a good arts program bc they’re worried Izumi is gonna throw away her life’s passion

- although she had that horrible experience where the theatre head told her she has no acting talent, at least being able to help create plays with backstage work rekindles her love of theatre and gives her an even greater appreciation for behind the scenes positions

- she works her way up the back stage ladder, trying out all sorts of different jobs to get a feel for each of them and eventually gets to an assistant director position

- and she’s absolutely in love with it (my girl is a career woman through and through)

- she gets why her father loved it so much although he was a great actor himself

- so thankful to the friend who encouraged her to go to that college, they’re still in contact (long distance bc she’s still at their home town) and they text and do late night calls often (they’re platonic soulmates dw)

- She was decently popular before daddy issues happened and lost a lot of the fair weather friends and only has a few close ones she’s made and kept over the years; she’s making more connections via theatre nowadays bc MANKAI keeps her so busy (it’s a crime that Liber doesn’t even give Izumi just one friend outside of her relation with MANKAI)

- Although MANKAI and her friend have never met, they refer to each other by nicknames at this point bc of how often Izumi catches them up on what the other is doing

- I know for a fact this girl is a praiser, she’s just so proud about them like a mother (especially when it comes to MANKAI)

- Takes almost no credit for them however, my girl has some insecurity issues being around such immensely talented people 😢

- She’s very talented in managerial aspects but she only found out after years of no talent in various arts

- She’s not one to tell people about her troubles (she knows she should) but people who know her well can tell when she needs a pick me up

- and one last happy one bc wow it got depressing and long: at least every few months, she schedules a weekend off and goes back to her hometown to spend time with her mother, after realizing that she should cherish more the family she has close by after moving into the MANKAI dorm and being reminded of family by the boys (both mother and daughter look forward to this event every time) (what do they do? Just relax and chat over Japanese snacks while her mother gives Izumi some tips on how to better run the dorm) (If you think Izumi is a praiser, her mother is worse, 1000% yaps about her wonderful daughter all the time to her friends behind Izumi’s back)

——

Sorry it was so long… too many thoughts for MANKAI’s one and only Director…

I have so many more but no one would want to read that much in one sitting. IDK Part 2 when I fail another major assignment that will cost me my grade?

[mylackofgrammaristerrifying]

OC prompts!!! for both personality traits and whole ocs!!! trying not to stray too far into any specific genre bc i am a fantasy bitch, so adapt the prompts however you want (or don't use them at all! see how they sit with you):

An OC who hasn't ever been outside in their whole life for whatever reason, is completely out-of-touch with the world, and sees it as beautiful or horrifying.

An OC who knows how and when every person they meet will die. They're so used to death and being aware of when their loved ones will die that they've grown numb to it. But, they never know when or how they die - or if - and that and the guilt of being so detached haunts them.

Two OCs who absolutely hate each other but are forced to live together/share a body/work closely together. There's no tragic background or enemies to lovers stuff (unless you want that) - they just have personalities that clash horribly and both are incredibly petty. But they're stuck together for however long and are fed up, so cue pranks and mild inconveniencing. Maybe there's another OC sat on the sidelines who's on neutral ground and given up, or takes photos.

An OC who is a ball of stress and is terrified of their own voice, but the instant something scary does happen, they are the most calm and 'wow this is happening. oh well' type of people.

An OC who is used to having control (eg. is rich/bossy/influential, a hypnotist/boss/god, etc.) and if their authority is taken away, they don't know what to do to the extent of freezing up. Potential for angst if they like the control they have due to past trauma or fear of something going wrong.

An OC physically incapable of doing something essential to survival from a curse or a species trait, but still lives without (eg. can't sleep, drink, eat, etc.) and is constantly grouchy, foggy, or in pain but tries to cover it up (or doesn't).

An OC who keeps accidentally befriending or adopting people who are very very very traumatised and has become the Group Therapist (TM). They are also very very very traumatised, and are sometimes treated to their own therapy by their group - but they're so used to helping the group that they don't feel they really need it because they should be above it.

An OC who has the most niche, unheard-of, possibly problematic special interest you'll ever find and is obsessed with it, but tries to hold back infodumps. And an OC who loves indulging them and listening to them about it.

An OC who owns a cat café. That's it. That's the prompt. :3

A shapeshifter OC who either feels fully at home in their bodies or never does.

An OC who's stuck in a timeloop of however long and is desperate to get out, or has just got out of one and is processing stuff while trying to act clueless about the future. Angst potential for timeloop trauma and knowing about horrific events and when they take place - and knowing they can't stop some of the things because no one would believe them.

An OC who has trauma or self-hatred for some reason or aspect of them, who meets another OC who went through nearly the same bad stuff and came out the other end (for better or worse.)

Kinda leading on from the previous prompt but could be separate, an OC who meets the future version of themself and doesn't know who they are. Future them is resentful or overly happy for reasons they don't explain, so they either avoid them or become friends with them, to the future self's hatred or confusion.

An OC who is terrified of lightning, but loves stormy weather. Enjoying the torrential rain and wind until lightning flashes and then they're screaming.

Morally questionable OC. You know you want to :)

Uni's childhood friends (or lack thereof). Was it a good relationship and dynamic they had? Was Uni the leader of the group/two of them or were they a follower? Did they feel left out or did they accidentally/purposefully leave others out?

Uni's closest family member(s)!

The fighting OCs you drew - what are their fears? Weaknesses? Strengths? Why do they fight - out of honour, fear, bloodlust? Secret pining for the other? (/jk)

could do more but gotta do stuff........... will def send more in another time, but these are probably enough for now haha. stars i got carried away (and used caps??? what is this dark sorcery /silly)

may use one or two of these ideas myself tbh lol but if we both use the same ones then yay!! twinsies!!

hope these help! :D

OH MY GOSH I LLVE THEM ALL!! I’ll tag you in the drawings I’ll likely only use a few but I appreciate this so much! That’s artsy! And please do use these as your own because they are :))

[sumeria]

could you do a follow-up to your brat/riverdale ask where you explain your answers? pretty please?

okay (original post linked there)

360: veronica literally is on the news shes making moves shes getting photos taken of her shes running for office shes the she-wolf of wall street like. she is 360 she is gabriette she is julia.

club classics: this is a gay kevin song because kevin is gay and knows about club classics and would be the obnoxious fag after doing a line who goes to a dj and is like can you play something with a fucking beat.

sympathy is a knife: archie literally commits ego death every day of his fucking life archie has no idea how to ask for help archie is so sad all the time literally archie is constantly trying to catch up to the shadow of jason blossom the nicer people are to him the worse he feels come AWN

i might say something stupid: i said this was s5 betty and i still think it is bc s5 is her saying kind of fucked up stuff and getting along really poorly with like everyone because of #barcheating and also fucking off to the fbi for 7 years without talking to her family?

talk talk: jabitha forever. they love each other and even though jughead is such a fucking weirdo freak loser tabitha listens to him talk and entertains him and they work so good together guys. heterosexual love was invented on riverdale and they call it jabitha.

von dutch: this is LITERALLY hiram lodge. HE GETS MONEY YOU GET MAD BECAUSE THE BANKS SHUT!!!!

everything is romantic: archie finds beauty in riverdale even when its shitty and broken down and being set on fire and full of ghoulies. he still sees it as something lovely and worth saving and his hometown. and i think thats why i would say everything is romantic would be an archie andrews song because he would see beauty and romance in shitty tattoos and flip flops and families living in a house

rewind: betty cooper has been pining for high school since the moment she entered high school. she has been pining for this idealized, idyllic youth that never fucking existed but she keeps calling back to it and everyone around her goes 'yeah that never happened but this fucked up thing like right next to it did.' and yet. she clings so tightly to the idea that her childhood was good.

so i: when i said this was a polly cooper song i meant more this was a song ABOUT polly cooper. alice and betty probably both would sing something like this about polly, imho

girl, so confusing: toni topaz's last ex was cheryl blossom, who, after breaking up with her, proceeded to have the most horribly hostile relationship that included cursing her baby. and then she decided they were okay and friends. i think toni deserves to say 'cheryl what is wrong with you.'

apple: cheryl, veronica, and betty are the clearest cut examples of generational trauma impacting every aspect of someones life in especially negative ways down to how they feel about themselves and any potential children they might have.

b2b: heather literally had to orchestrate a spiritual possession of her girlfriends body with her ex so that they could have lesbian sex to save the town from a comet. cheryl DID wind up right back with toni even though neither of them wanted to and heather just wanted to be happy with cheryl. sad.

mean girls: cheryl and veronica are both nasty catholic girls who would call their tops daddy i said what i SAID. veronica WAS the toast of manhattan at one point in the show. theyre both intelligent women in their mid 20s in s6. AND THEYRE CUNTS!!! and i love them both.

i think about it all the time: CHERYL WANTS TO HAVE A CHILD SOOO BAD. SHE WANTED JUNIPER AND DAGWOOD SHE WANTED TONIS SON AND SHE FINALLY HAD HER BEAUTIFUL SON DALE SHORT FOR RIVERDALE.

365: hermione lodge is doing coke with homosexuals in manhattan.

hello goodbye: jughead is so fucking bad at communicating with his friends and his partners about his genuine emotional state that it took him getting into a motorcycle accident in s6 for tabitha to be like hey i think something is genuinely fucking wrong with you babe.

guess: reggie, at any given moment, is preparing for his calvin klein debut. reggie thinks of himself as a sex symbol and is surprised when other people do not. reggie thinks people are guessing what underwear hes wearing at all times.

spring breakers: bret and donna are rich, mean, and judgemental. they are nasty and they are bratty and they are cunty. they do kill people or try to. and they are two-faced petty bitches. this is their song!

[the-blackbird-murmuration]

Tw sh, suicidal, struggles with family and general mental health

When I was in ~7th grade I somewhat realised that my mood swings that made me lash out at my friends, my periods of emotional numbness, and overall relationship with my family was probably not the best and most likely at the very least kind of problematic. I made friends with this (now very dear) person online around the same time. After the 'honeymoon' period at the beginning of our friendship, I started going back to the same behaviours I had with my irl friends. This time, however, my online fri3nd brought up the fact that I was probably having depressive episodes and that I had quite depressive tendencies (or something along those lines). I was very self destructive and had a horribly low self esteem in every way possible. The same friend made it clear to me several times that I will probably have an inclination towards things like suicidal ideation and sh and such in the future but that they truly hope I will never come to it. Well, fast forward a few years, I can check those things off my list.

I just feel like there's something so surreal about that. The friend knows ab the first major and probably most serious (thus far) suicdal episode, but doesn't k ow about the subsequent episodes and the sh.

I've always been quite a happy person at school, despite my struggles with family and chronic pain that I had for several years even to the point that my teachers didn't believe that I was suffering from chronic pain 24/7 for several years. Again fast forward a few years and I was my happiest at school. The chronic pain subsided and became episodic, but the family situation only got worse. And yet I was a dedicated student and school was my passion (whether it was purely out of the validation i got for doing well or not I'm not entirely sure). I did however open up about some aspects of my family life and how I was struggling with it, but never too explicitly. I also ended up opening up ab my sh to the same teachers but bc I wasn't (visibly) struggling at school (despite my endless breakdowns and panic attacks in the school bathroom), it was never seen as a big deal.

Regarding my sh, it's only been getting worse. I keep thi king about how to cut deeper and deeper, and what tools I can use to maximise the pain and 'quality' of the cuts.

My online friend (who at the time was ~12) should not have been responsible for my wellbeing (when I was also ~12). It should not have been their burden to carry. It should not have been them searching up "how to help friend with depressive tendencies."

Time and time again, the only person that would ever hear me out and would truly listen to me when I would confess that I witnessed my grandfather running around with an axe trying to genuinely kill my grandmother, was this friend. Time and time again, adults would dismiss me as a mere overthinker (which to some extent I was at some points in time). Time and time again, more important and 'serious' cases were taken care of instead of mine. Time and time again I wondered how these truly amazing teachers of mine who in many ways were genuinely thoughtful and observant, could not see just how much pain I have and continue to be in.

My existence in itself has become a call for help which apparently is silent and invisible for one reason or another. I continue to disintegrate, cut by cut, breakdown by breakdown, one destructive coping mechanism after another and perhaps I will never stop until I completely fall to ashes.

[fallout-drabbles-n-stuff]

Companions and their mental health statuses?

(Wrote this while listening to a Spotify playlist named "going absolutely fucking apeshit" anyway- I'm gonna split this up by what I think character wise...and then my experiences with these seggsy bitches in game bc boy, it's been wild)

Cait:

•Sufferer of severe trauma throughout her life.

•Shit just gets worse

•Fights for her life and has a strong love for psycho before a special someone convinced her she is worthy of being loved

•Trust issues out the wazoo..for sadly, good reasons.

•Maybe not the worst on the list, but definitely up there.

In game experience...

•GOD DAMN FALLOUT VERSION OF LYDIA- like seriously? Gtfo the doorway! I'm getting blown up!

•Hates everyone and everything except sole and breaking the law.

Curie:

•Actually not all that bad...except for secret abandonment issues.

•Usually masks it by burying herself in research.

•As far as these poor bastards go, she's probably one of the most mentally stable- which is scary.

In game experience.....

•Sweet Frenchie with asshole pets.

(I don't travel with her often 🥲)

Danse:

Pre-Blind Betrayal-

•Confirmed sufferer of PTSD

•Blames himself for the death of several team members.

•Evidence points towards un-talked about alcoholism.

•Seems to be attracted to power armour..

•Not very good but not the worst on this list..

Post-Blind Betrayal-

•Same as above but add on identity crisis times a thousand and two.

•Will literally kill himself (or let you kill him) if you don’t convince him otherwise.

In game experience....

•Fucking goes apeshit, pre or post BB

•Completely unaware of his surroundings unless it has to do with vertibirds flying over head, then it's time for guerrilla warfare. "Fate has decreed that you must die!"- he speaks, drawing a laser rifle.

•Has been caught on multiple instances doing drugs out of the drug vending machine in Nuka World despite clearly being against them.

Deacon:

•Probably one of the more mentally fucked.

•Lost his wife in front of his own eyes in a notably terrible way.

•Escapes his deep seeded pain through his elaborate schemes, justifying it by telling himself it helps his organization.

•Still feels like shit every waking minute.

•Cant really allow himself to get close to anyone because of his experiences.

In game experiences...

•Asshole

•Jumpscare king, mainly because I didn't know he changed outfits THAT often.

•Doesn't like physical affection???  Shit that actually makes sense..

•Stalker.

Gage:

•He's pretty "meh" on the sanity scale. He's ruthless, but he's entirely stable besides his attachment issues.

•Trusts too easy and hates himself for it...also tries to make himself not be that way and for the most part, it works!

•Problematic raider.

In game experience...

•Makes stupid comments at inappropriate times as though he wishes for the enemies to murder us

•Thinks that walking through walls is entirely possible and gets stuck every time I run with him

Hancock:

•The actual worst on this fine list of mentally messed up individuals.

•Self worth is just nonexistent despite being a pretty all around decent guy

•Uses drugs to cover up terrible trauma to the point of putting himself in the greatest danger just short of dying

•Oh yeah, doesn't mind death actually.

•Doesn't feel worthy of anything deep down.

in game experience...

•Shoots sole for stealing shit in the third rail

•Unhinged

•Sits for hours

Macready:

•Lost his wife in a horrific way

•Only has his son, who he is convinced is going to die sooner than later because of something he can't control

•Willing to do everything if it means caps to send to his sick child

•Doesn't really have a place to call his "home"

•Reckless and unforgiving

In game experience...

•Being nice? How dare you speak such ill language.

•Kleptomaniac

Maxson:

•Does as good as a boy his age with all of the responsibility possibly could.

•Just imagine- your dad died when you were super young. Your mother shipped your ass away. The people you loved like family died all around you. Now you're stuck in foreign land and have no fucking idea where to begin, only that you have to mobilize these fuckers you're in charge of and remain a good leader...

•Still not good enough? Okay, pile on insomnia, alcoholism, and the thought that you have no one alive that truly loves you as more than just the "elder". Oh, but you eventually got to spit out some kids somehow because you're the last of the great "Maxson" line...

•Also not exactly on the "stable" side..

In game experience...

•Stares intently down the Prydwen command deck with his hands behind his back..for hours.

•Never wants to chat :(

•Long winded and short sighted, bad combo..

Nick:

•Has to deal with not only demons that technically aren't even his, but after "reunions"- Kellogg's fucked up self haunts him. He keeps it to himself and suffers silently.

•Deals with the pain of knowing there will never be a place where is truly just himself. He's a man trapped inside of a metal cage..and yet he's not even really "that" man, is he?

•One could easily understand how he has some issues too.

In game experience...

•Cigarettes? Yes.

•Oh, Youre in a fight? Seems like a good time to tighten the bolts in my hand right about now...

•Wields a flamer like a champ.

Piper:

•Surprisingly..has the most sound mental state out of all.

•Is a little obsessive tho

•Has had to adapt to the role of sibling and parent to her younger sister, which isn't easy for anyone.

•Often delves into her work, sort of like curie, to avoid dealing with the pain of her parents no longer being there for her or nat.

In game experience..

•Hey kid, want some Nuka-Cola?

•Mayor McDonough shall die, even if it means execution by the hands of everyone else in Diamond City.

Preston:

•Has canonically admitted to considering suicide.

•Is holding onto the last threads of hope he has with a fucking death grip.

•Definitely not of the best mental state

In game experience...

•Doesn't know how to properly use furniture.

•Can hear sole coming from a mile away and is already getting the map out for the next settlement

X6-88:

•Emotions? Is that a snack?

•Seriously though, he has been "reset" so many times that sometimes-he doesn't even realize it- he doesn't even know what "he" is. Every aspect of who he is..it should be gone, he's a machine and he knows it...why does he still feel like a person?

•Short story, he hates life. He hates being held captive and being used like a damn hound to hunt down those who were smart enough to run- those of which he envied and didn't even realize he did. Hey, he's just a machine though- it's his job and he knows better than to revolt.

•Violence is the freedom he feel he has. He can kill and track in any way he wants, so long as it is successful and what the Institute deem appropriate. It's horrible, but he doesn't realize it- and at this point he doesn't care. The death of another and the way they die by his hand is just his way of expressing who he is deep down.

In game experience...

•Oi, you don't like the institue? FUCK YOU

[kuronekonerochan]

Random rant about Court Lady (ps: if you like the drama just don’t read it pls, or if you do, don’t @ me)

Disclaimer: I personally hate this drama and I almost never post about dramas negatively, just for the ones I like and ignore the ones I dislike. This one annoys me and I am aware that my criticism is probably only partially objectively valid and also partially nitpicks that irked me but are not “wrong” per se.

Also,just bc I don’t like it, if others like it, I have nothing to say about it except that liking it is as valid as my opinion and If you’re enjoying it, I’m glad and in no way judging bc in the end it’s just fiction and to each its own :)

I started watching this and dropped it at about ep8 bc I didn’t really enjoy it, despite the fact that I did find the production and technical aspects of the drama good and a bit different from the usual (including costume choices, etc). I even liked some of the characters like the Lu Daughter, the Pirate and the Princess (the one who hooks up with the ml’s brother). Mostly I liked Xu Kai, even as a bratty dude. Still, not enough stuff to keep my interest. After that I saw a random ep and realized the leads barely show up (and not even together) and that the screentime was dedicated to way too many  secondary characters, none of them the least interesting or likable.

But then I got bored and watched the latest eps of court lady,and tho pirate, princess and enemy daughter all show up, it's still boring and although it has  tons of characters, 99% of them are entitled psychopaths, and not even interesting psycho types at that, or masterminds that are enjoyable to watch. Nope they are all just annoying bullies and horrible ppl, men and women alike and what enjoyment can I get from this drama where the leads are almost never on scene together, there is a million subplots and characters yet almost no characters are likable and worth rooting for?

(Also, on nitpicking stuff, even tho they are probably historically accurate, I  ended up really disliking those stupid male hats and that terrible female wig style updo that looks terrible on almost every actress, while also making most of them impossible to tell apart. Besides, I changed my mind about the costume design...it ended up being a mess (not bc I don't like it personally) but bc you have scholars, penniless retired pirates, nobleman and royalty all wearing the exact same type of clothes with no difference in fabric, or embellishments or accessories to tell apart their hierarchic rank. Truly, one of the royals was addressed as your majesty and I'm like "dude, your clothes seem cheaper than the extras and servants around you".)

I ended up watching one of the latest ep where the leads finally have decent screentime...and omg it's not only the 1000 side characters who are unlikable, the leads are awful too...why would anyone do a drama with just terrible people? I kind of wish them all the equivalent of period White truck of Doom ending (maybe a collective corpse bridge like 2ha or TGCF?).

And for final exit rant on the latest eps:

Idk what I was thinking checking this drama out  again...seriously all the chars in this are either plain bullies, or that plus rapists (both genders, really...dudes all try to force themselves on the women and all the women take advantage of the men being drunk/poisoned, etc to sleep with them without them being able to give conscientious consent)...this might be the worse char ensemble drama I've ever seen. not a single relatable/likable char on sight, and they give us a million of them too.

 This is truly bizarre... this type of behavior dramas usually give to their villains, so you know, of those actions they're showing are morally bad. In this one all the characters are bad doing shitty things but the drama itself is so blase about it it kind of treats all of this stuff as normal and okay?! 

It's not as if I'm usually an sjw on fiction...I enjoy my bastard characters, but the whole vibe of this drama is...off, like completely disconnected from regular human behavior, as if they all got their moral compass set to fucking awful, so fucking awful became the new normal. It's very weird bc it's almost as they don't care if there isn't anyone worth rooting for.

 And it's not just the actions of the characters...on some (much better) dramas/novels, the "heroes" are also just as morally grey as the villains and the only reason we root for them is because we're on their side (e.g. Joy of Life, Qi Ye, WoH, The Advisers’ Alliance, Ever Night S1), but usually on those dramas the characters have their own personal reasons for "ends justify the means" and from their perspective, whether doing bad or good stuff they don't think of themselves as villains, and likewise the “true” villains in those dramas also have their own narrative and reasoning which makes them somewhat relatable even if we disagree or hate them. In this ppl act shitty, fully aware that they are shitty and without remorse, for very weak reasons and honestly most of those actions are more bc they can than to serve a purpose. They are all amoral idiots. I'm weirdly fascinated by this drama's mindset.

Basically they are all that dude friend from To Rule in a Turbulent World on the first chapter beating Sanado to death just bc, but instead of giving him a context and character depth showing different sides to him (and I ended up really liking that character), the ppl in this drama just have their characters doing that shit again and again and never try to give any sort of dimension to them.

I am the Ryan Reynolds "but...why?" meme watching this.

PS: I am very aware of how repetitive and unfocused and messy this rant is, but this is a compilation of my watching experience at various stages blended into this one post and honestly this drama does not deserve me wasting my time to make this text any more cohesive, so rambly barely comprehensive mess it is.

[biblio-bitch]

Detroit Evolution Commentary Pt. 3 [FINAL]

It’s been a while, sorry. Life sucks ass sometimes and I had to do some transferring to my new laptop. I’ll write down some more fun facts as an apology. Disclaimer: This is all stuff I noticed, inferred, or interpreted. I didn’t write the film, anything I’ve interpreted is just that, an interpretation based on things I noticed using my experiences and knowledge. 

Fun fact #1: I have attempted to write in a proper novel style at least five times. After watching DE and watching @octopunkmedia ‘s script breakdowns and such, I've started writing scripts instead. I’m much farther along in those than I ever have been in books. 10/10 amazing for my visual based concepts.

Fun fact #2: My mental health was rapidly declining and I was losing interest in quite literally everything at the time the film was released. Watching the film and fixating on it for a month straight not only inspired me but helped me regain control of my life. Watching streams by the cast and Michelle while I worked for school made my productivity skyrocket.

Fun fact #3: I recently developed a tic that I now can’t get rid of. It was out of control for about twenty minutes right before I began writing this post. However, when I began re-watching the film (partially because it’s a comfort for me and I’m quite honestly terrified of what’s happening in the US right now) it stopped. So that’s fun.

As usual, spoilers and swearing under the cut! Quick note: If there should be a trigger warning on this or anything else I post, please let me know! I’m horrible at remembering to tag triggers. I’ll also be doing some quick posts on Umbrella Academy and my severe obsession with Jason Todd soon. Have fun!

As usual, here’s a list of people I know the users of in case you’d like to check any of them out. I’m likely missing people so feel free to let me know who I’m missing so I can add them!

Maximilian Kroger - Nines (@ maximiliankroger)

Christopher (Chris) Trindade - Gavin (@ trindabago)

Michael Smallwood - Chris Miller (@ michaelsmallwoodforever)

Carla Kim - Tina Chen (@ carlahkim)

Jillian Geurts - Ada (@ jilbobaggins_nyc)

Michelle Iannantuono - (@ octopunkmedia)

JJ Goller - Lazzo (@ quasar.cos)

Brett Mullen - Cinematographer (@ brettmullendirector)

Austin Butts - Sound Design (@ austinbytts)

Tiare Solis - Valerie (@ tiareleiana)

So I decided to put all of the rest into this post. It’s a long one. Not even that sorry about it bc I love this film with my entire heart. Warning for me getting sidetracked. I use a lot of Supernatural references but it’s because I’m visiting my dad and he’s binge watching the show. I like Dean and only Dean, don’t bully me for it.

The Wrist Grip™️ in the bedroom before Nines moves back

Shoutout to Maximilian Kroger’s muscles u go dude

Lighting Symbolism™️, big theme through the movie, honestly I think it’s beautiful and they did a wonderful job with it.

The little nod from Gavin as he starts talking about his nightmare 

You can see Gavin gearing up to move, like not in a normal way, in a “oh god I don’t know if I have the energy to do this” way and that’s Relatable™️

The little smile from Nines as they sit together

The SHARK PLUSHIE I LOVE HIM (THE SHARK HAS AN INSTAGRAM @ sharktreuse)

Nines being domestic, making coffee and breakfast, being Soft.

Shirt change??? Either I’m blind or he’s wearing a different shirt in the morning (He is. He’s wearing a t shirt at night and a buttoned collar shirt in the morning. Perhaps he changed? He’s wearing normal pants so he probably changed but he’s not wearing that same shirt in the next scene)

Ada eye rolling at them being passive aggressive dumbasses. Same. Apparently Jillian kept fucking with them which is,, so valid. 

The lighting in this scene (the office pt. 2) makes Maximilian look Android-white and outlined in the CyberLife blue-ish color. Very symbolic, I have no idea if it was intentional.

Another shoutout, this time to Maximilian’s eyebrows, the expressiveness is *chef’s kiss*.

“You can thank me later, Casanova.” Nines: *confused Android noises* 

Honorable mention to Michael’s Foo Fighters t shirt in the bar, it’s vintage.

Nines is in fact wearing a different shirt now. Not the same shirt from the morning bedroom scene. I also think he’s wearing a different jacket. Less of a peacoat and more of a leather jacket. Nice.

Shoutout to Tina’s (not irl) wife, Valerie! And her weird crush on Hank! I honestly can’t wait to see her in Seven Deadly Synths!!

Ada DODGING the questions that Nines is asking because she is SHADY. 

Also, he looks to Gavin when he talks about wanting to be more human. Recurring theme of him perceiving himself as lacking because of his ace-ness/android-ness, like he can’t give Gavin what he wants. Honestly I know that the android thing is a thinly veiled metaphor for race in canon but I kinda like thinking of it as a metaphor for being LGBT+ and in Nines’ case, specifically ace. Might not make sense but it does in my brain??

Gavin Senses Are Tingling and Nines is GONE. Leaving the bar for ur not-bf to try to talk things out like adults??? King shit.

Also electric lighter, fun, I genuinely didn’t know those existed

SHIRT WITH UNBUTTONED COLLAR

“You don’t want to help me, you want to fix me.” What a loaded line. Because in a way, it’s almost true? Like, Nines has this entire simulation of Gavin in his ideal world, and obviously that version of Gavin has probably been idealized at least a bit. Nature of humanity, and Nines might not be human but he’s got the Brain Things. And at that moment, it’s nearly true that Nines wants Gavin to be like that ideal Gavin. Obviously Nines wants Gavin as Gavin, but there’s the edge of that simulation there, still. 

But Nines does want to help Gavin, and that’s where he’s wrong. Nines wants Gavin to get better, wants to help stop the nightmares, etc. But by pointing that out, I think it’s partially why Nines can accept letting go of Simulation!Gavin when Ada attacks him. Because he knows that the simulation of Gavin will never be the real Gavin, and this line sort of helps him understand that he can’t really keep Sim!Gavin anyways.

Again idk if that’s legit but that’s definitely something I felt from that while watching.

Nines is constantly very controlled, but when he walks away from Gavin you can see him straining to keep that composure and not let his anger show. 

Ada looking So Done With This Shit when Nines comes back from talking with Gavin outside of the bar

“I’m sure this will be like...every other time.” Oh honey. Oh my sweet child. I am so very sorry. It most definitely will not be.

Ada’s exasperated Eyebrow Raise before taking a drink. If that ain’t the mood sis.

I love Ada’s bat wings on her outfits. 

Gavin being a stalker and putting his hood up. 

“I’m...certain that most of the credit can go to you.” IMMEDIATE ANGER. Must Defend Boyfriend.

I SO WANTED HIM TO SAY “WISDOM” WHILE TALKING ABOUT GAVIN’S SKILLS BECAUSE IT WOULD MIRROR HIM TELLING GAVIN THAT HE ISN’T WISE BEFORE THEY LEFT FOR THE STAKEOUT. He didn’t, but instinct is a better word for Gavin anyways.

Nines has Suspicion™️...press X for doubt... 

*Only vaguely related rant warning*

I do feel that we as a fandom tend to make Connor almost childishly innocent despite him being likely one of the least kind and least innocent characters. The characterization of Nines in this--and pardon me for the off topic rant--where he’s a fully grown man and acts like it is so much more realistic. Nines is a cop, as is Connor. 

Even post deviancy, they were designed and equipped to handle murder. Nines, in a lot of fandom content, tends to come off as an exasperated older brother or a gritty and mean detective, or even worse, essentially a sociopath who feels nothing in contrast to Connor’s childish and extreme innocence. I dislike both. Seeing Nines be a normal fucking person is so relieving, I’m serious. There’s still those elements of ‘oh he’s only been properly alive for like a year, right? He probably doesn’t get Chris’ Casanova reference.’ but it’s not to such an extreme that it overtakes all of his personality traits.

Like, yeah, ok, I get why a lot of fandom content does that. In order to balance what we see Connor do (and in order to further push the Hank as a father line) we over-emphasize the not getting references and such. Honestly I see the same in content for Castiel from Supernatural. Nines, when he’s added, often HAS to be a lot darker in order to make that seem not as jarring and unrealistic.

Doesn’t mean I enjoy it. If you do? That’s great, good for you, but I don’t like seeing those characters be portrayed as such one dimensional extremes. People aren’t like that. On the off chance that someone is such an extreme, there’s still other aspects of their personality.

DE has done an amazing job at not flattening their personalities. Nines and Gavin are three-dimensional and incredibly interesting characters I find myself invested in every time I watch it.

*Onto the commentary again.*

Gavin is still being a stalker

“Particular fascination with the RK line” AHAHA funny. She’s also an RK, and she likely knows more than Nines because her programming is based on information gathering. Her fascination begins and ends with what their programming can do for her.

The little computer details in Ada’s eyes as she copies Nines’ OS, and again in Nines’ eyes when he’s in the alley alone. I believe Michelle did all of that and I am just amazed every time I watch. 

The warped voice effect.

Gavin shifting to hold Nines as soon as he passes out

The ethereal colored lighting is very good for the mood, space hospital vibes

Shoutout to the latex suit they put Maximilian in! That’s not CG! He’s wearing a full body white latex suit. I’m so sorry.

Gavin looks so tired talking to Dr. Maria. His posture is defensive, pulled into himself. Shoulders hunched, arms pulled in. Eye bags, messy hair. Boy looked messed up. Somebody hug him.

Nines’ hair being disheveled and messy in the corrupted Zen Garden, rivaling his assertion that in his ideal world (Aka the normal Zen Garden) his appearance is polished, signifying the loss of control and the loss of the Zen Garden being a safe, ideal space for him. Same concept with Sim!Gavin being corrupted.

Nines: *wakes up in his mindspace*

Also Nines, immediately: GAVIN!!1!!1

Nines believes in CONSENT!! You do not go into someone’s program without asking, ADA.

Ada’s “poor widdle baby” face as Nines is freaking out because she trapped him. Mood.

Tina wearing a low turtleneck and a flannel is Peak Gay, especially next to Gavin “I wear the same leather jacket+hoodie combo every single day and probably the same jeans for a month” Reed, aka the most disastrous and chaotic bisexual I have ever seen. Again, a mood, I honestly felt that one.

The face when Nines realizes that Ada isn’t deviant yet. 

Gavin is blaming himself somebody stop this idiot. 

“Not without Nines.” What a softie.

“The last thing I said to him was ‘I don’t need you’.” BITCH WHAT THE FUCK MY HEART.

Gavin calling Tina “T” in that soft voice is so sweet omg

Ugh the bisexual LIGHTING is KILLING ME, ESPECIALLY as Gavin sits at Nines’ bedside

Tina encouraging Gavin. WLW/MLM solidarity. 

Fun fact: Chris Trindade told Maximilian not to react at all to the big speech but Maximilian literally started crying during it and there’s footage somewhere of the Dramatic Single Tear rolling down his face while he’s still ‘in stasis’.

Yes, I double checked the streams to make sure I got this right, I love the concept though.

Look I cannot get into the speech because I will write 1.5k words on it, but I will say this: It made me cry. The acting, the writing, it’s iconic. The amount of love and devotion they got without even saying the words “I love you” was amazing. Chris is so very talented. 

THERES A TAKE WHERE GAVIN FALLS ASLEEP NEXT TO NINES’ HOSPITAL BED AKSDGAKL IM SCREAMING

Tina is the best wingman ngl

The glitches in Zen Gavin are amazing. The sequence when he’s deleting the Zen Garden is also amazing. I use amazing a lot but it’s deserved.

Nines deleting the Zen Garden and Sim!Gavin is very symbolic of letting go of all of the fake stuff, letting go of the fear he was holding that kept him from confessing to Gavin and I love that

Nines sitting silently straight up. 

Gavin is highly intelligent and I’m so glad Octopunk embraces that. 

*another vaguely related rant warning*

Ok let me tell y’all a thing because this RUINS MY LIFE. People tend to take characters like Percy Jackson or Dean Winchester, whose intelligence isn’t outwardly obvious from the get-go, and remove it entirely. Percy is reduced to an idiot who can’t tie his own shoes and Dean is often shown basically unable to research without Sam. Both of those are bullshit. 

Percy has ADHD and Dyslexia, so when often we categorize smart as only book-smart, Percy’s intelligence as a battle strategist and his actual knowledge gets erased. Dean is usually the more physical and shoot-first-never-ask-questions type, and his intelligence is severely downplayed. He made an EMP detector from scratch. Made a shotgun, remembers how to kill things, is a very good hunter, especially on his own. But that’s thrown away because he’s not book-smart.

I despise when people take characters who are talented and smart in ways that aren’t just reciting the periodic table and reduce them to muscles and angst or drooling children. 

Octopunk having a scene where Gavin is working through a case, already having done the things that Chris, someone who was only recently promoted, suggests, is just affirming Gavin’s intelligence in a way I wish I could be not surprised by. Gavin is smart, and luckily I haven’t seen much downplaying that fact. He’s a detective for a reason. Unfortunately I think it might be because the fandom tends to turn Connor and Nines into actual children, but a win is a win.

Now I’m not saying I don’t love a good himbo character but I literally had to stop interacting with Percy Jackson content because people wrote him as incapable.

*Moving on*

“I think I can help with that.” Bitch why are you so dramatic I love him so much.

Nines’ t-shirt says “Detroit City Marathon” 

“You...undead asshole.” What an iconic line. I need a t-shirt. 

“I...hate you.” “You love me.” Harkens back to the beginning where the roles are reversed. Yes I used that unironically. Words are fun.

Gavin looking scared right before The Kiss™️ 

THE PULSE POINT!! THE SCENE WAS SUPER EMOTIONAL SO MICHELLE WANTED THEM TO DO YOGA ZEN SHIT TO PREPARE AND THEN THEY JUST DID THE THING BUT THEY PUT IN THE PULSE POINT 

ANYWAYS THAT’S WHAT GAVIN IS FEELING FOR ON NINES’ WRIST RIGHT BEFORE THE KISS.

I thought that was cute when I learned it in one of the streams.

Nines’ LED spinning blue when they finally kiss asgladkaf 

“What dipshit programmed you to do that?” “I’m the most advanced android ever made, detective-“ “oh you are such a fuckin’ prick!” “Takes one to know one.” I canNOT with them, I laughed my ASS off

The little broken laugh Nines does

Nines rubbing his hands over Gavin’s while they talk about Gavin’s jacket

Shoutout to Chris’ surprised pikachu face. (Tina is also there) That was a joke take, it’s in the gag reel, too. The face wasn’t supposed to make it into the film but Michelle added it. (In the gag reel, Carla yells “Let’s go to Denny’s!” At the end.) 

And Ada’s leather pants. Honestly?? She’s so pretty. I love her. They’re all really attractive it’s actually terrifying.

Nines and Tina being a part of the Gay Turtleneck Gang

Nines’ untucked turtleneck

Tina being a Smart Girl. (Nines calling her “Officer” and her replying with “I’ll make detective someday.”

Chris being Exhausted during the whole meeting. Me too dude.

Chris and Tina doing literally nothing while Gavin and Nines have a whole heart to heart

The WHITE COAT. Tina in her blues. Chris’ Foo Fighters shirt. They’re such icons but they absolutely look like a group of gay ppl who did NOT decide on a theme.

The fight sequence is impressive, considering that they’re literally not stunt actors. I’m not a fight choreographer or stunt person so That’s really all I have to say on that.

Chris patting Gavin’s gun after he explains what he’s doing. \

As a Jason Todd lover the crowbar is unfortunate (had to, sorry)

Nines’ smirk and the TURTLENECK as he spins away from Ada with the crowbar. Iconic. The Big Dick Energy. Especially for someone who doesn’t have a dick.

Chris being a Dad when Gavin runs off to go stop the body calibration

Ada just YEETS Gavin. Iconic.

Ada: *doing the villain “you won’t shoot me, you’re too moral” thing*

Chris: Shut the fuck up *shoots her*

Deviancy sequence, iconic

“You’re awake now” bitch get your own tag line, Markus became Robot Jesus for this shit

He’s HOLDING HER HAND while DEFENDING HER!! PLATONIC HAND HOLDING

Gavin trusting Nines’ decision immediately. Amazing. THAT’S LOVE BITCH.

The SMILES after Ada leaves!! They know they made the right choice!

Ugh the COLOR SYMBOLISM!! This is one thing that Michelle has touched on herself! Gavin isn’t wearing white in this scene because he’s not ‘fixed’, he never will be! He has trauma and he’s just barely beginning to heal from it with Nines’ help. He’s wearing grey, lighter than his usual, but still grey because they aren’t pure or innocent and they’re not perfect!! And that’s the fucking point!! It’s also a contrast against Sim!Gavin wearing white! Sim!Gavin was an idealized version of Gavin in Nines’ idealized world!! Real Gavin isn’t that!! So he’s wearing grey!!

Gavin immediately understanding that Nines is Ace and that it’s ok!! Beautiful!

“You’ve been a whole person since the day you woke up” YES!! YOU DO NOT NEED SEX TO BE WHOLE!! FUCK YEAH!!! (this is ace excitement. In the months since writing this I realized I’m aro-ace and trans so fuck yeah for ace rep.) 

Gavin being a dick and making Nines tell him about the skin thing

THE KISS!! They slowly move more into the light!! Because they’re getting better TOGETHER!!

Ok before I sign off, it’s only 3 am so I think I’m awake enough to talk about this, I like that they bring up that Gavin has like, actual issues that he needs to get through. Let’s be 100% honest here, I see Gavin as having ADHD, depression, and probably a form or symptoms of PTSD. He’s kinda fucked up and I’m gonna be real here he needs some therapy. He’s got trauma and needs to work through it. 

I like that at the end they explicitly have Nines understand and accept that that’s what needs to happen. As someone who has actually had relationships ruined because of trauma (on both sides) that we were unprepared to work through together, if I had seen something like that? Game changer. As it was, most relationships I had seen were idealized and seemed to “fix” those issues by way of just being in a relationship. Thanks major media. 

Now that the Detroit Evolution post series is over, I’m gonna be a bit sentimental and say that this film quite literally changed my life. Seriously. Michelle is such a big inspiration for me and I can only hope to be the same for someone else. 

If you ever have a chance to check out any of the amazing people who worked on this film, please do. To put into context how big this was: I changed my ideal college major from Forensics to Film. 

That’s it that’s all, ending this post at 3:24 am before I literally start crying over it. Thanks for suffering through my long-winded explanations, I hope you enjoyed. Have a wonderful day.

[cockroachmotherfucker10]

hi, idk if this is okay but here goes... this blog's really helped me a lot in recovery from AN. i've been doing well lately. since diagnosis, i've been on my own with this bc the mental health system in my country is broken. i guess my question is, do you have any tips for continuing recovery during grief? a really close friend has just passed and i can't get myself to stomach even a bite. i just don't know what to do, i'm lost. thanks in advance, it's okay if you don't reply to this, really.

Hey! I am so glad this blog could help you, it’s truly an honor! Also I live in America, my healthcare system also sucks ass. Recently had symptoms of kidney infection- couldn’t go to an in person doctor because the only place that took my insurance was closed in my city and they wouldn’t set me an appointment in person, though I tried to get one. Basically just had to tough it out- it sucked. Basically trying to validate you- having shitty healthcare is basically the worst.

As for grief, I am really sorry to hear that your friend passed away. It’s an absolutely horrible thing to go through, for every good memory you had with them you have to remember time and time again that they aren’t here anymore, and that’s a feeling that takes a really long time to become more okay with. Not that it’s the same thing, as everyone’s relationship with grief is different, but I lost a close grandmother on January 30th, 2020. I mourn her everyday, and it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through in my entire life. Still is. I miss her every day, and think about her all the time.

So some words on grief.

1. Cheesy, but it does get better with time.

I read an allegory for grief, and I have found it to be true. Grief is like a big ball inside of a tiny box (which represents you). Every time the ball touches the side of the box- it hurts really bad. You cry, you stare at the wall for hours, you lose your appetite, a lot of things. At first- your ball of grief is huge- and it’s constantly and randomly hitting the sides of the box. For me- the time around my grandmother’s death and funeral, I was completely out of commission. I couldn’t stop crying, and when I did I couldn’t focus on anything. I was completely incompacitated for weeks. But then- over time, the ball of grief gets smaller and smaller, and touches the side of the box less and less. Now, I can think about her without bursting into tears, I look back on my time with her with a sense of nostalgia rather than sharp pain most of the time. Now while my ball of grief is smaller- sometimes it still randomly touches the sides of my box, and I break down crying (hell- I am tearing up now lol). That’s okay. It’s all apart of the process. The grief never fully goes away- but it becomes less and less consuming. This does not mean you love your loved one any less, it just means your body gets better at metabolizing their absence so it hurts less. Also not you can’t force the ball to get smaller before it’s ready to (believe me- I tried). Just let it happen.

2. Express your emotions healthily

Want to know what not to do? Keep your emotions locked into your chest. Especially if you have an ED, it’s important to let yourself cry as hard and as often as you need to. What you don’t get out now will bite you in the ass later. It’s so, so painful. I have never cried so hard in my entire life than I did at my grandmother’s funeral, I couldn’t even get a word of apology out. It felt awful, and vulnerable, and it wasn’t pleasant at all. Crying is not fun, but it was necessary. Afterwards, I felt soooo much better. This is because crying chemically is like letting the extra air out of a balloon about to pop. There is no shame in it. Do it, and do it often. As often as you need, don’t hold it in. Let the pain come, and then when it is ready it will pass. Remember what you don’t process now you most certainly will be forced to process later in the form of chronic pain, worse depression, worse ED symptoms, and worse health. Let it out.

3. There is no wrong way to grieve

So I just spent all that time talking about crying- but it’s also possible that your grief will express itself in other ways, such as feeling numb, or even feeling fine. The key thing is to not judge how your body metabolizes this. Let it do what it needs to do, and do not judge it. To it body will do what it needs to do, fighting it is a pointless uphill battle. Accept it with self compassion, console yourself like a friend would. Tell yourself it’s okay to feel numb, or to cry, or to be okay, etc. let it happen.

4. Reach out for support

Be it from a friend, a family member, or a therapist (or best- all three!) if you feel like it would help you, reach out and talk about how you are feeling, or do something distracting. Mod Lia and I called the night I saw my grandmother for the last time, and we didn’t talk about it much at all. We watched She-ra. That helped a lot. Later I called another friend and talked about how I was feeling. Later I talked about it with Mod Lia, too. And of course my therapist- who helped me process it in a healthy way. On that note, especially with an Ed, if you can, get a therapist. Do it. Better than anybody they will be able to help you find the healthiest way to grieve, and help provide tips and accountability for preventing the worsening of an ED.

5. Tips on not drop kicking your ED behaviors further into hell

Having a schedule for eating (and other necessary activities) really helped me. At certain times, regardless of wether or not I was hungry, I forced myself to eat just because it was food time. Doing this prevents you from slipping into ED behaviors, especially when it is easy to do. Having a therapist or a willing friend to hold you accountable can also help. Express your emotions healthily. Talk to your loved one still, on walks or however. Talk about them in conversation. Do things that remind you of them. Make a memorial for them- whatever that means to you. Allow them to still occupy space in your life, if that feels right. If not, that’s fine. Taking care of yourself is hard, but if you don’t you are going to make it worse for yourself. It’s like puting an ankleweight in when you are already drowning. Take intentional steps (such as setting reminders and alarms) to ensure you take care of yourself, and even see if there are people who would do it with you. Like if you are having a hard time eating, see if a friend will have lunch with you every day at a certain time, or a couple different people (over the phone if need be). Plans, for me, really help me keep it together.

To sum it up, the biggest thing is to not fight the grieving process, set specific schedules for different aspects of self care (with alarms), reach out when you need help, and be patient because it takes time.

There is nothing I can say to make your loss feel better, but it is so hard to lose someone, and I’m sorry you have to go through that. Be patient, don’t expect a ton of productivity out of yourself, and just wait out these unpleasant storms. Thing are never going to feel the same ever again, but eventually you will get used to a new normal, and that doesn’t mean you are doing them an injustice. Keep remembering them, and be patient with yourself.

Best of wishes,

Mod Cass

[blookmallow]

I FINALLY GOT SKYRIM MARRIED

i have a BEAUTIFUL WIFE

...who i went through a lot of shit for. this is. a lot of exposition, bear with me :’) im very invested in my character’s personal story here

so astrid had a very important special job for me and sent me to markarth to speak with the client directly

it turned out to be the apothecary’s assistant, who i was passingly familiar with already, so i imagine it was a bit of a surprise to both of us, but she got right to the point - a man broke her heart and ruined her life, used her to hurt the people close to her, abandoned her to go become a bandit, now she wants him dead

u can probably imagine where this is going,

this is the first time ive had a dark brotherhood job i was legitimately PSYCHED to carry out, you BET ill go fuck this guy up for you id do this for free

however, she also had... another request, one that wasn’t required, but something she really, really wanted

see she was very close with/practically another daughter to the shatter-shields in windhelm, the wealthy family who recently lost a daughter to the windhelm butcher

alain had manipulated her and used her to get to the shatter-shields, i dont remember if he stole from them or what happened there, but whatever it was, the shatter-shields blamed muiri for this and disowned her, throwing her out onto the streets with nothing

so she was used and had her heart broken by a man she loved, then was told it was Her Fault, and lost her home and her friends/the closest thing to family she had all at once, and was so hurt and desperate she turned to the dark brotherhood to get revenge on them all

she wanted me to kill nilsine too, the shatter-shields’ other daughter

SO we have this really complicated situation where, on the one hand, she wants alain dead for using her and ruining her life and hurting her friends, and like, he’s a bandit leader now, so he’s someone i probably would’ve easily killed off anyway, by “this is a video game not real life”/skyrim standards that’s a no brainer, i have no moral conflict with that and can’t wait to slash this guy’s head off

but on the other hand she’s so broken she wants a woman who used to be her best friend/practically her sister dead too. i dont know what nilsine’s role in this was specifically but these people were essentially her family, and they victim blamed her when she needed their support the most and threw her out with nothing and nowhere to go

and i had already done quests with the shatter-shields before this, so like, i know them too, and they’re sort of friends to me, i helped solve the mystery of their other daughter’s murder and now I’m being asked to kill the other. not to mention everyone’s going to think the butcher’s back/there’s a copycat killer/something and it’s gonna cause a panic again (even if the game doesn’t acknowledge that/directly show that happening, y’know) 

killing someone’s daughter when they’re still in mourning over the first, when they’ve come to trust you, when you’re the one who helped them gain closure over that first death already, is just. a stone cold thing to do

especially looking at it from my character’s perspective, she’d be especially torn on this because she’s a mother herself, but her children are girls she rescued from the streets - lucia was thrown away by her family, sofie was a victim of tragedy and was let down by the people in authority who should have protected and helped her

so medea would relate to tova as a mother and a friend but also relate powerfully with muiri as a victim in this

ultimately i don’t think there’s any real justification to kill nilsine here, i dont think you can really morally defend that, but. i was so drawn to muiri and wanted so badly to give her a shot at a better life and help her heal from all this, and knew she would become a marriage option if i did it bc id seen her name on the marriage options list before, her story fits in so well with medea’s, and like, i dont imagine im gonna have a lot of options for wives who would Know about my connection to the dark brotherhood/the things ive done and be okay with it, so if i went with her, there wouldn’t be a “keeping this horrible secret from my wife” aspect to deal with even though the game probably doesn’t acknowledge it if you do (i mean im still. keeping it from my kids, but. y’know. when they’re older)

and “talk this out with her and help her see how badly her mind’s been warped by the pain she’s been through” isn’t an option given to you, so

in the end i went through with it. killing alain was easy, just like any other bandit camp raid, but to get at nilsine without being caught, i had to sneak into their house when the family was asleep

which i expected would involve a lot of careful sneaking and laborious lock picking

until i realized i could just walk right in

because the door was already unlocked for me. because they consider me a friend and allow me into their home

and that somehow made it so much worse

i killed nilsine with an arrow, nobody heard a thing, and i ran for it before anyone saw me in there or realized what had happened

muiri gave me a special ring as a “symbol of her affection” for doing this, which i think is about the biggest sign i coulda hoped for lmao

i held off on considering marriage for the time though and finally decided i had to go back to windhelm to see if there was anything i could do to make amends to the shatter-shields even though they shouldn’t know it was me/make sure i didnt get seen by a guard without realizing it or something (though it wouldn’t probably matter anyway, guards saw me leave the orphanage immediately after grelod’s death and shrugged that off, so,)

my name’s still clear in windhelm, but...

tova committed suicide after she discovered what happened

she couldn’t cope with losing another daughter

so now the father is the only one left, coping with. the death of his entire family occurring within like a couple months

i didnt see what happened here i came back later so i dont know if this is something you can possibly stop or if its possible to witness the moment they find nilsine or tova’s suicide or if this just Inevitably happens whenever you come back

i feel terrible about this but theres. not really any going back now,

so. i went back to muiri

i dont know if this is what everyone says or not but her response was just. “i mean, yeah, why wouldn’t I be” i love her lmao

i wouldnt choose to get married in riften if it was up to me but thats how it be in skyrim i guess

my babies are here!!!! what!!!!

and a. random guy i dont recognize lmao :’)

just wandered in to see what was going on i guess. or maybe we’re friends and i forgot who he is entirely which would be kind of sad :’ )

maybe it was my long lost father... slipped out before i ever had the chance to realize it

however i actually. ended up doing this scene twice because, fun fact, there’s a glitch where if you don’t manage to catch up to your spouse to talk about where to live before they leave the chapel they can just fucking Disappear sometimes, :’  ) i couldnt find her anywhere after the wedding and finally looked it up and apparently she just fell into the void so i had to reload and run it again. we’re double married now

planned better this time and dressed better but anyway that elf guy didn’t appear this time but some other guy did, who i ALSO cant quite identify, he looks. maybe. kind of like lucas valerian? who is actually a friend to me and was one of the first friends i made so it’d decently make sense for him to come to my wedding, but weird if he came and camilla didn’t, and im not even sure thats him anyway, so i dont know what happened here all around

muiri’s mentor lady came too though which was sweet

im spinning this kind of as... like, medea was so drawn to her and felt so strongly for her she couldn’t bring herself to disappoint her and this was an eye opener for them both as a kind of. “look what kind of people we’ve let ourselves become” and their marriage as a new beginning, love coming from a place of desperation and darkness, starting over and hoping that the divines will forgive what they’ve done

medea’s not leaving the brotherhood but i mmmmmight try to be a little more careful about who i kill

i had intended for her to come live with me in markarth, she’s in on my. assassin life so having kind of this Other Side to my life made sense but... she met my kids at the wedding i guess and she wanted to live with them... which is really cute,

it feels really weird having this huge fancy house all to myself (and uh. argis, i guess) in markarth and having my wife and kids (and lydia, and a fox) all squished into the honestly kinda run-down whiterun house though i think im gonna work on getting the solitude house for them bc its. safer there than in markarth i feel like and ive heard thats like the fanciest/biggest house

there she is..... my Wife

she also sells things now but i feel bad accepting it when she gives me “my share” of the profit like.... babe thats your money i have so much adventuring money and i didnt do shit to help earn that,

i buy things from her sometimes but i refuse to sell her stuff bc i dont want to take any more of her money :’ )

even tho it. doesnt really matter, its video games, i know, but

found lucia, the fox, and muiri all on the bed at once

lydia was just standing like this for a rly long time after muiri moved in i guess she was suspicious but chilled out eventually :’)

gettin along finally

i just realized if we move to solitude lydia’s gonna get left behind though :(

i mean ill still come visit her but. upsetting

my one issue is that muiri still keeps saying “thank you for solving my-....problem.” every time i come in speaking distance of her which is. weird given that its the same line she had before we were married, like, she apparently doesnt get any new things to say, and is Really repetitive (imagine living in a small space with your partner and they say the same sentence with the same intonation every time you step within like 2 feet of them. how long til that gets old, do you think, ) and also its just like??? girl let that go we gotta stop dwelling on this or the kids are gonna start questioning what apparently massively important problem mommy solved

idk why she was laying on the floor but anyway my kids have started calling her “mama” now too and im not crying or anything

[srnokedmirrors]

* . day to night , dark to light     fall the  s a n d s  o f  t i m e .

                         { ross lynch, twenty-one, trans male, he/him } Have you seen ZELD CYELN “CIEL” NOHANSEN walking around?  Little do they know, they’re the child of LINK & PRINCESS ZELDA from THE LEGEND OF ZELDA, and they HAVE TWO SIBLINGS ( one older, one younger ) .  I guess that explains why they’re so CHARMING & ARTISTIC and GUARDED & INSECURE.  They are a STREAMER. — penned by eve.

FIRST THINGS FIRST.

Hello hello again , folks !! It’s EVE and if you thought I went completely feral about Resident Evil earlier you are . . . sorely mistaken because now we are in Zelda territory and Zelda encompasses literally every fiber of my being. This OC is my most beloved ( despite the fact he’s an absolute prick ) and I have been itching to write him as a next-gen of Zelink , so VOILA , but just a few things !!

I love The Legend of Zelda . . . a lot. That’s the first thing. And my friends call me the Zelda lorekeeper since I know pretty much everything about the games like that back of my hand.

Another - as it’s always been a fact about his character , Ciel here is diagnosed with Type II Bipolar. Now , I want to clarify that I also am the same , and he was originally written as a comfort character to sorta see myself in a character I wrote ( and he became his own dude over the years. ) It’s not something that’ll pop up often , but I just wanted to let y’all know since I’m not gonna erase my own rep , I write from experience since I’m the same. 

TWS AHEAD : Manipulation , mental illness

I. THE PAST - DO YOU REMEMBER ??

The second of The Hero & The Princess - Prince Zeld Cyeln Nohansen , carrying on the traditional naming conventions to keep the name Zelda in the family with obvious corruptions. Your older brother could not - and AS WELL , you are the only child in the family that possesses the holy powers of the royal bloodline that your mother carries , as shown by the brand of the Triforce on the back of your right hand. And immediately , expectations are thrust upon your shoulders before you can even walk.

It’s because of your power that you , instead of the eldest , are to succeed the throne as the next king of Hyrule once you become of age , and although your mother vows to not treat you the same as your father treat her , she often reminds you that the beautiful , sunlight-bathed kingdom will be yours. 

So you grow. You grow & you adapt to the life of royalty , the CROWN PRINCE , and your relationship with your parents is better than most. While you’re significantly closer to your mother than your father , spending your days in the library with her & learning how to paint her visage , you also follow your father out to scope the kingdom on horseback. You grow up kind & gentle , the intelligence of your mother but the softness of your father , and it is well-known throughout the kingdom that you are DESTINED for good things.

It’s when you’re fourteen years old that you meet a boy.

A boy your age , a boy who smiles at you and you get fairies fluttering in your stomach. A boy who tells you that you’re pretty and by Nayru are you getting your first crush ?? 

Hm.

But you can’t see through the lies - that even though you’re young , manipulation knows no age and you are heartbroken to find that this boy leads you to a group of bandits that go on the attack and aim to STEAL the raw power you carry. After you’re tricked into bringing magical artifacts to their clutches , that is , that your family has gathered over the years - the goddess harp , the ocarina of time , and the cursed , wicked Majora’s Mask.

Your father sweeps into rescue you , and although you feel guilty , you aren’t berated for your mistakes. He only wants to know what happened , and if you’re alright , and you’re a sobbing mess but you tell your parents everything and they recognize that the evil forces that plagued them are NOW targeting their offspring. 

You are only fourteen. But the betrayal turns you cold , and you close yourself off , now hesitant to trust. And you learn that there are DANGEROUS forces out there who want to hurt & use you in the same way , hence why you use your mother’s old study connected to her old bedroom ( now currently yours ) and you begin to research , research , research. You look back on the legends of old , and start practicing the magic of not only your bloodline , but the taboo power of shadow - such as that of the TWILI , a project aiming to recreate the mirror. You also use the mask , hoping to tap into the wicked power it carries to turn it around. You train with the Sheikah , as Sheikah blood runs in your veins as well , to master the art of using the shadows & the unseen to your advantage. You become a teenager devoted to your work - a mad scientist & magician , and the whispers of a ‘ mad alchemist prince ’ sweep throughout the kingdom due to the rumors you can stay awake for DAYS working on one thing , before crashing and moving onto the next. 

But there is still pain - a loneliness & a hurt which you try to bury deep down , but it’ll still consume you to the point where you don’t know how to think clearly. You try and mask yourself best you can , but there is still a little boy , deep down , who only wishes to be loved and cared for and cherished by people his own age. Your work is your comfort but you are also learning to sink yourself in it to the point where it’s becoming a hindrance. 

One day , maybe , you’ll get what you want - and everything will be okay. But the world is currently at your throat , so . . . how long will that be ??

Your sixteenth year changes everything. The Crown Prince goes missing , and he is lost without the comfort of his parents.

And he awakens in another day , as a new being , with only his wit & his charm to carry on.

II. PRESENT - WHO ARE YOU , YOURSELF ??

Okay so IN A NUTSHELL Ciel is the crown prince of Hyrule due to the fact he’s essentially the ‘Zelda’ of his generation - the only child that carries the sacred power of the goddess Hylia , and this kid is incredibly smart and artistic but due to being manipulated by dark forces when he was young , he’s EXTREMELY insecure and lacks trust , instead trying to become as powerful as possible by any means possible so he isn’t hurt again since now he’s a target like his parents were.

HIS CHARACTER . . . is incredibly complex. It doesn’t change much with or without memories because even though he hasn’t experienced that same shit , those trust issues & insecurities are still well-embedded into him. The main difference is that he’s still smart , but not because of excessive research on Hyrulean magic & history & technology.

ON THE SURFACE , Ciel appears to be honestly very exuberant , quick-talking , and , to some , annoying. He’s a bit of a loudmouth , he seems harmless in the aspect that he isn’t downright mean or anything , he’s just . . . a nuisance. Charming in the aspect that he knows how to talk his way out of any situation since he has a MOUTH on him , but he knows how to use it. He overshares , it seems , but in turn , he’s actually not revealing anything about himself of any importance. He’s just keeping his cards to his chest but he doesn’t anyone to see so , so he places counterfeit cards on the table.

Ciel is always one step ahead , and the best way to be is to convince everyone else that you’re far behind. 

NOW ON THE INSIDE . . . Ciel is extremely caring & gentle. He cares a lot about the people he loves , but he’s hesitant to open up or trust other people given the fact he doesn’t want to be hurt , and he doesn’t want to make mistakes. He’s very observant & again , incredibly intelligent , knowing well how to read the atmosphere and pick out things that most don’t notice. He is insecure in the fact that he constantly thinks horribly of himself , and although he’s great at hiding it , it’s easy to get his feelings hurt. He hates that he has to keep on a mask since it makes him easily unlikable , but he thinks it’s the only way to stave off the most damage. But he’s a good kid & has a heart of gold , it’s just that . . . his heart has a few booboos on it. He CRAVES love & validation & affection but he’s afraid to ask for it or to take it since he’s gone down worse roads before by opening up to the wrong people.

He’s an artist - very talented in drawing & painting !! His apartment is littered with sketches & drawings and supplies and he would’ve gone to art school but money is tight and he doesn’t know he’s a prince in his actual reality so . . . yeah.

But his day job is that he’s a VERY popular video game streamer named Alchemyst , mainly doing let’s plays of adventure games & stuff with friends to get a good laugh. He also has a tendency to go on hilarious rants in a lot of his videos , resulting in MANY fanmade compilations & memes. He’s got a dedicated fanbase that he openly adores , and streaming also sorta helps him since he is a bit afraid of going into the outside world slightly. 

It’s funny , because as a streamer , he isn’t at all obnoxious or annoying - it’s the closest he gets to acting like himself , even if he has to act a little more EXTROVERTED than he actually is. 

THAT’S THE BASIS again , much more of a show than tell character but . . . Love him. I love him.

I DON’T have much ideas for wanted connections at this point aside from like . . . friends , exes , crushes , enemies , fans of his stream , etc. When I get more of a braincell I’ll put specific stuff down , but if it HELPS his fake life is shrouded in mystery bc Ciel doesn’t like talking about it ( aka , his fake past was p bad so he just prefers to act like he came out of fucking nowhere. )

But that’s it !! I’ll b responding to starters & calls soooon ~ ! I am ALL for plotting if u guys want , so just hit me up on here or Discord n I’ll respond as soon as I can !!

[icharchivist]

 i’ve got a spiral down about my past and needed to throw it all out somewhere sorry about that, scroll past

under cut cw: self harm mentions, suicide idealization mentions, the usual deal from my parents, abandon issues and even slight bigotery discussion that has nothing interesting to say, just me being upset at my parents, so please just scroll past. 

Honestly i act as cheerful as possible lately and to be honest, i truly am happier than i had been in a long while - my current hyperfixation helping a lot and i think it also helps me process some things that I need to process as of now, especially the whole “living in the present, moving forward and try not to think too much of the past” angle that i obsess about lately -

but there’s not a single day that passes where i’m not angry at my family, that i’m not frustrated, that i don’t want to scream. I look back at my past and want to destroy it all, throw it all out, hating every single minute of it. 

And it’s while it’s better now that my (ex)stepdad left for good (I still have the 6 fucking years of trauma he left me with to deal with though) and that my mom is barely there bc she’s happily living with her bf right now (and even there this bad, bitter part of me is just BITTER that she can just move on and be happy as if i hadn’t been miserable due to her decisions in that whole time) - there is still the case of the fact that there’s this trial against my dad that is bringing back sour memories because my dad just... come to shake things bc he sucks. 

And meanwhile i’m happy i don’t have the weigh to bother with my mom but like?? that adds to all the times i’ve felt neglected, abandonned, left behind. And she will be /happily/ doing so and i must be happy bc she’s happy. 

All those problems i have to still process the consequences to shouldn’t even have been problems to start with. There is no reason any of it is fair, any of it is worth it. 

And like everytime i look back i just see how miserable it made me and how i still pay those decisions to this day: hell right now my hands hurt like crazy and GEEZ. bc what is handicaping my hand? a sickness that started due to high dose of stress my parents put me under AND neglect bc my mom argued for months i didn’t need to see a doctor and we didn’t have the means for it, leading to me contracting a deadly disease that will ALWAYS remain in my blood and always show up again when i’m having some pick of stresses and that still forbid me to do things to that day.

And like... everytime i start to be in pain i get frustrated because those problems, i’ve learnt to deal with them and i especially learnt to shut the fuck up about it. Because even if those are things that could kill me, it’s always things that do it /slowly/ so my parents don’t care?? they just tell me to stop complaining and move on? Like i almost had a ulcer and since then can’t eat some stuff anymore but does that stop my mom from just cooking it and joking that “she too is in pain eating them”? 

And i’m frustrated because I compare to my sister who had also been deadly sick, but those deadly got very quick and concerning very fast so my mom at least always overprotected her - and that’s good and fine, i’m glad my sister got the support she needed, but in the meantime when I got my deadly sickness i was just told to suck it up and that we couldn’t see a doctor because see it’s slow so it’s not important? 

And there’s not a day without those thoughts to come back to me. And it frustrates me, it makes me want to yell. 

And like. Like. My mental health had been SO BAD for ALL THOSE YEARS and all i’ve ever heard was my mom in denial shutting me off everytime i tried to bring it up because “no no because it’d mean you’re crazy and you can’t be crazy” mom i’m telling you i want to kill myself pay fucking attention, or worse, my dad who used my confession to my mom about self harm (that my mom welcomed with fucking “I have more important things to deal with” before snitching to my dad that it was his fault while i didn’t want to tell my dad) tO PUT IT IN COURT and tlel the judge that my mental unstability “caused by my mom” was why he shouldn’t give me allowance and lol i was 15??? And that led my dad to make suicide jokes at my expense to total strangers as i grew up???

And then 4 years ago  when i cut ties with my dad he started to send threats telling me he was going to send doctors from the mental institude against us because we were “dangerous to society because we’re mentally unstable” for thinking he should pay the fucking allowance, and he’s threatening this very thing again now??? 

Meanwhile like even my mom told me that perhaps i should keep low my attempts at therapy because my dad might use it against me and like?? like??? in what fucking world. 

And I think back to those once in a while, those thoughts sneak back into my mind and i’m angry, i’m so angry, i’m so so angry at this past. I want to tear it off i want to remove it I just don’t want it. I am tired of staying up at night reviewing my trauma because my brain finds it funny to remind me that everything went downhill and i’m trying to fix what people had destroyed around me and i wonder why i even bother it’s not like i knew how it was when it wasn’t broken and i don’t see why i have to put this much effort into all of this that shouldn’t have happened to start with. 

and I can see random things and it sets off the spiral down, anything that is a cute tongue and cheek thing about your past can make me remember stupid things that happened and then it’s over for the few hours that follow because i need to review AAAALL of that trauma, including things i have no reason to remember about like my fucking ex. 

And it happens over and over and over again.

I’ve ended up having a rather weird spiral down rn bc when my brain keeps me awake at night i try to focus on learning Japanese so i still stimulate my brain and distract myself from mental breakdown, but it comes with its lots of trauma, like the fact my mom had always been pretty bigoted toward this culture and had always made me feel bad for being curious about it, that i’ve wanted to study it for ever but my mom always killed it in some way or another, that i was made ridicule for it, and hell so did my Dad, he was no better he was just less virulant than her and just more humiliating. My mom was shutting me off and my dad was humiliating me, they made such a goddamn duo (and anyway from the letters i’ve found back from my sister running away that was already their combo kill before, lmao, and they still do that while divorced ofc).

And I was thinking what would be THE event in my life i could change that would have saved me all that trouble? And i think, if my grandmother took me with her when she took my sister away from my family. If i grew up with them what would have happened? 

And I was thinking, geez my mom always told me they were horrible people and i mean the apple can’t have fallen so far from the tree right? Like, how is there any garentee it could have been better except for the fact my sister got a happy life there.

and from all the things I could remember i remembered that they moved away back to the island my mother grew up to that is nearby Japan (which was my mom’s justification for being bigoted), and that for a couple of months when i was 14 where my mom managed to get in contact back with her mother (not allowed to talk back to my sister though and that’s when things turned sour but that’s a whole other can of worms), and for that slight time my grandmother actually talked back to me and was the most encouraging person from my whole family, and she had patrons from Japan so since she knew i was interested she sent me goodies she could find, like a traditional fan i still have, and she was even talking about how my mom and I could move in with them, and that i’d study there and study the language and all and it was already more support than i’ve ever had before which i’ve never realized until now and i started to cry in the kitchen out of nowhere (probably not helping i was making onigiri so it’s the mood i guess)

and like all of this was a lie since a few weeks later she told my mom last minute that we weren’t allowed to approach them anymore since my sister didn’t want to see her anymore (DUH that’s why she ran away) so we had to change our plans last minute and we lost contact and i’ve lost pretty much all interests i had at the time because now i associated it to a sour memory, and i suppose that’s part of the reasons why i hadn’t considered studying Japanese again until pretty recently (that and the fact my mom still found bigoted boyfriends who belittled me for that as well but hey when the shoe fits i guess)

 and i guess this whole spiral down i was thinking, i was told all my life they were horrible people and I don’t know them enough to have judged them, yet in a couple of months i was in contact with them they had shown more support to me than my family ever did. 

And it just... guh.

I feel like ever since i’ve read my sister’s file and that every affection i still had for my family broke, everyday is just a flood of remembering memories i’ve repressed of slight neglects here and there, or things i’ve been in denial about because it couldn’t have been that bad right? 

And I feel like.. the more now i’m trying to be in a better place mentally, and to sieze things I want, the more i remember why i wasn’t doing those to begin with and it’s not just my mental health being bad because of my parents, it was the whole package the problem, i have this sort of trauma on every aspect of my life, there’s not a single thing i can think back without taking it in the lense of feeling betrayed by my family in some regards. 

And hell even to some extend i feel so, so upset that those bounds with my families are things I want to throw out to start with, because I value the principle of legacy, but my family never did and I think back about the fact my parents come from very different and vast cultures that has nothing to do with France (my father is southern italian, my mother is of jewish descendant (as in she herself considers herself atheist and she never passed it down but she was raised in the faith) with her family branches from Algeria and she grew up in tropical islands surrounded by their cultures) and that they always, always specifically made sure i never knew about it until very late, shutting me off of it and then being mad that i don’t know stuff from my father’s side or mad that I get curious about others things in general. 

and i feel misplaced, i feel like this odd number that never got the attention of my parents, that didn’t inherit anything and perhaps it’s better this way, but i’ve been envious all my life of this concept and now i keep thinking and thinking and thinking about what the hell went wrong and there’s nothing in my control, just trying to break the paterns over and over again. (and all of this not helped by the fact it was the same as school for similar reasons, so the problem always felt like a me thing, it takes forever to try to heal from it)

All while also i was the one who took care of all of them, ALL of them, of my mother’s trauma, of my father’s abuse, of my sister projecting her abandons issues on me and my eldest that left such a ghost in our life i have no memory of despite this weigh, all while dealing with life’s problems, school, bullying, my fucking ex, and I had to think about it, i had to take a lot of responsabilities very young to stop my mother from collapsing and to try to stop my father from hurting us, and it comes back, it comes back that i should have never taken this burden to start with, and that all this burden i’ve taken is for a family who had never connected with me, never tried to and always making me feel bad for doing so, and the people i’ve villified all my life as a coping mechanism ends up making me feel a sort of homesickness i don’t even know how to express because i don’t know what it is to have a home that doesn’t hurt and no place of escape was ever actually safe.

And i want to move on, i want to move past that, i’m tired to deal with those ghosts all over and over again, it should never have happened to start with. I am so frustrated of those battles i should never have had to pick, of this responsability i’ve taken, and now between my mom just going on living her life happy go lucky leaving me to fend on my own as if she hadn’t destroyed my life and my father who keeps arguing of how much of a terrible person i am for just asking for the rightfull help my parents owe me, all while also my father keep making me feel guilty about the disconnect i have with my family, about how i’ve cut ties with everyone, that i neglect this heritage i have, so much that the timing leaps over the things i want to focus on now and i grow bitter and bitter and there’s nothing my parents aren’t always poisoning in some way or another. 

I’ve been told all my life to not mimick my eldest, hearing humiliating things about her with the constant threat of “dont be like her” and now i yearn for having understood her back then and having done like her sooner instead of trying all my life to do the extra miles to not hurt my parents again the way she hurt them, while she was right, she was right all along and i’ve villified her all my damn life while she was right and i should have done the same far earlier if i hadn’t been made to feel guilty about having this clear exemple of a way out in front of me.

And i’m tired and i’m tired and i want out i hate this life i hate every single things that brought me to that past and i have no idea what i’m doing with my life nor why i even bother trying to keep walking but i sure as hell need to at least fucking try, if only because i can’t them let win it, if only by spite of wanting to finally cut it all out and them having to live with the fact they’ve destroyed everything they ever touched. 

So the spiral downs and freakout that keep me awake lately are super fun and i fucking love that i just had a breakdown in the kitchen because I just thought about how i was given my eldest sister’s room when she left home and all the things that then followed from me never feeling at home anywhere ever, and that just a single thought about a material thing from my past suddenly brings an avalanche of bad things to remind me of all that repressed memory i refuse to acknowledge.

Im having so much fun on this tuesday night, peace out i’m tired, i’ll blast some music again now.

[1nkweaver]

For your boys.

Opal

1. How do they want to be seen by others?

Opal wants to be seen as someone that can be trusted above all else. He understands that the first impressions of him are normally people who are either afraid or unsettled, and his strange nature normally means the unsettling thing stays for a while. But in all truth, he really is just here to try and help absolutely every person that he can. Obviously this becomes hard when the party is going against “bad guys” but Opal understands that the world is like that sometimes, mortals fight each other and some people are trying to do good and some are definitely trying to do bad but most people are just scared or confused. For some people though Opal definitely takes advantage of fear in a sort of “scare them on the right path” sort of way.

When you just get down to it though, Opal just wants to be trusted, he wants to be confided in, and he wants to be -believed- So many people think he has lied to them when he hasn’t, and it’s caused more than a few problems in his past when people dont believe him.

2. If they could only save one thing from a burning house, what would it be?

I’m going to write off things like “himself” or “people” for this one because I feel like it’s too obvious. Opal was in a burning building once and not much made it out, but what he went for was his shield in that moment. His shield bore the symbol of Zemtris, and when Opal first connected with them, it was the sole physical item representing that connection, the only mark of Zemtris’ presence on the mortal plane. When the building was burning down, Opal went for the symbol, and it being emblazoned on a shield did not go unnoticed. As long as Opal held that shield, he did not die even as the flames ate up his body. I’d have to believe that such an act of faith that shook him to his very core would leave a lasting impression. Opal can restart from the ashes of anything, but he can’t lose that shield, that symbol. It’s too important.

Would Opal leave the shield to save a person instead? That’s a different question :)

3. What do they think is the worst thing that can be done to a person?

Opal believes that causing someone to “die” in his understanding of it, which is so much more than killing the body. What Opal refers to as a spiritual death, or the literal killing of someones soul, is worse than actual death. Things like slavery, manipulation, or oppression, things that force people to go through their lives in a meaningless way- even things such as menial jobs, it’s those things that sap the happiness and excitement of life from you that Opal feels is the worst thing to do to a person. To leave the body and kill the soul is a horrible thought to him, and his heart reaches out to those that are walking, talking, breathing, but to him are already dead.

4. What is their perception of the concept of redemption?

Opal is a believer in the fact that mortals are more powerful than gods, and it is because they are mortal that they are so. To be mortal to Opal means that you can choose, you can change. He believes that mortals are shackled to fate but it is their responsibility to fight against those shackles and free themselves with their own strength. Opal believes that immortality can be achieved through just a sheer unwillingness of a mortal to resist death, to -want- hard enough. He feels that Gods in this respect are limited, bound by their nature, and so weaker. This all ties perfectly into the concept of redemption. Opal does not believe that something like a God can be redeemed because they are unable to change, whereas a strength of mortals is their ability to always change. As such, not only does Opal believe that redemption is always possible for anyone, but it is one of the core strengths about being a living being that you can have.

Pick

1. How do they want to be seen by others?

A lot of Picks feelings are always torn between two opposites, and for Pick it’s an inherent want to be the center of attention that was ingrained into him in an unhealthy way, and a want to be completely ignored. Theres good and bad aspects of both of these, he likes to make sure everyones looking at him which can do things like make a group of people laugh, or protect someone in a fight, but he also can sometimes become overwhelmed with the stares and the attention, and starts to get angry with it. He understands that his being a goblin plays into this, and theres attitudes towards goblins that he doesn’t want to be associated with. He’s a ball of hypocrisy because he likes to be confident in his personality but then sometimes feels he’s too predictable. He gets caught in a constant loop of “look at me, look at how different I am, hah!” and “please ignore me, just see me as normal, I just want to be normal.”

On more simple notes though, he definitely wants to be seen as mature, competant, smart. He doesn’t believe he’s made it this far in life by not being those things and so he wants to be recognized for it.

2. If they could only save one thing from a burning house, what would it be?

Though I said “themself” would be cheap for Opal, I think it makes a lot more sense for Pick. He’d sooner leave all items in there if it was to ensure his own survival, because his whole life has been about what you need to sacrifice to survive.

If there’s other people it’s hard, and he’d most likely just freeze up not knowing if he should risk himself to save someone or gt out. I like to think in the moment he’d try to be the hero, but he’s also not someone who considers himself one.

If we’re just talking about items, he would either save the [redacted] that he keeps on his back, bc he feels it’s important, or perhaps Anders letter to him, as its the last words Anders gave him and also has information that he needs to continue on his search. Either of those. He’s mostly committed the letter to memory tho so more likely he’d save the [redacted].

3. What do they think is the worst thing that can be done to a person?

Pick believes that the worst thing you can do to a person is reduce them to something less than a person, it’s really as simple as that. The concept of some people just being “better” or “more important” really pisses him off, and when he sees people referred to as things like “undesirables” or “property” that really sets him off. A big part of it is how goblins are treated like just vermin to be exterminated, but another part does come from goblin society itself, where your worth is measured by how many people you can push beneath you.

Things tied to this hatred would be things that restrict ones ability to do things such as tying them up, putting them in small places/locking them up, being grabbed or held down, physical things like that- and then also social situations where you feel you must be forced into a lower role. These all tie back to just the concept of removing someones autonomy.

Pick doesn’t understand politics very well so he thinks the ideal world is where everyone has an equal chance to fight for what they want? I guess? Fuck big pharma.

4. What is their perception of the concept of redemption?

Revenge is taken, redemption is given. If you’re searching for it from someone else, or a higher power, friend, family, enemy, whatever, you might not get it, it’s not gaurenteed. You also shouldn’t just always give it to someone else, some people dont deserve the forgiveness that would grant them redemption. In the end it’s about whether you can do it for yourself, if you think you deserve to be redeemed. Pick is not seeking redemption, he’s seeking retribution, and in his book he deserves it, and that he isn’t a bad person at all for what he’s going to do.

Pick’s outlook on life is he prefers to think that people are inherently evil rather than good. Because to him that means that people that do evil things are weak and giving in to their base instincts, whereas the people who do good are the ones that are really trying to overcome something. It’s a..pessimistic optimism. He’d rather be born evil and try so hard to do good, than just be born good and do what’s expected of him.

[jackieandwilsonbyhozier]

im going to talk abt my life and like feelings (embarrassing) for a second bc new years makes me emotional also i hope readmores still work on mobile

i keep trying to make this post but cant figure out how to get all my thoughts together or how to word it . a lot happened this year i guess like my cat got hospitalized which left me with a bill ive spent the entire year paying off. i finally got a job. i got hit by. a fucking car. plus like interpersonal things. it kind of feels like 2018 was slow slow slow and then lots of stuff happened in the last couple months. the fact that i didnt have a job until like the second half of 2018 didnt help

2018 was hard obviously bc every year is hard and horrible but i do think it was different and better than previous years. ive been super depressed for a long time and since graduating high school especially every year just seems to get worse. 2017 was hard as hell bc i spent .. literally the whole year out of school unemployed just laying in bed depressed out of my mind like. super suicidal just completely hopeless and not having the will to do literally anything. for a long long time ive like held on very tight to my misery bc i was afraid to change bc like. its all that i know its who i am i dont know how to not be miserable im afraid to change any aspect of myself or my life even if theyre negative bc im afraid of the unknown. especially in regards to like adulthood like its scary its rly scary having to get a job and try to be an adult and do all these new things i just couldnt do any of it i couldnt even attempt any of it and i was stuck for a long long time bc of it. and the thing is i didnt even want to get unstuck or change or stop being miserable it was a comfortable misery i had no desire to get out of it

however ... i finally got a job this year which rly. set me up to start like functioning and everything i guess. it was so so hard in the beginning like adjusting to. doing something with my life after having spent the past two !!years literally just laying in bed being depressed. and like its still hard but its like. i can do it now. and i feel like i can do more now. like its made me feel more confident with just like. adulthood in general bc its kind of made me realize like i actually can do these things theyre not unattainable. and that its ok for me to want to start to change and like actually imagine a future for myself

like. i still have my moments obviously my depression and everything did not just disappear by any means but like. for the first time i feel like i dont have to be like that like i can actually take the steps to like being ok. like im working hard and learning to do new things and its difficult and its scary but its giving me the means to like move forward and help myself and everything which is something i never even wanted to imagine

i think my like main goal i made last year for 2018 was to get another job with like more consistent hours so i could actually start saving money and stuff and i. did do that. which is great and not something i thought id be able to do. im still only working part time but its definitely a step forward and its going well. i have the last of my cats vet bill to pay off next month and after that im no longer in debt and i can just start saving money. i rly want to be able to move out this year and again idk if ill be able to but it would be rly great to at least be in a place where its something i can seriously consider

also another thing is therapy/medication lol ill have to figure that out but. idk how to explain this but its something ive also been avoiding for a long long time my mindset towards it has pretty much been like. i didnt want it. but i wanted to want it. i didnt want to have to deal with the process of getting diagnosed/having to open up about things/just deal with all that i didnt want to do that at all it just seems so overwhelming and like so much and like. it still does but i kind of feel like its something i can also start seriously considering and kind of like im ready to like make it happen. again ill still have to like figure it out but it is something i actually do want now. which in itself is another rly big step for me lmfao

idk none of this is to say im like Better or anything bc im not by a long shot but its like. i can be. like im taking the steps to get better. and i actually want to get better which is the most significant difference between me now and me the past however many years. just the fact that i actually want to do something abt this like mess makes all the difference so. idk. idk what im actually going to accomplish this year if anything but the fact that im like doing something with myself every day and having goals im working towards and everything i think is more than enough like. im not gonna be down on myself for not accomplishing enough or anything bc ive done a lot and im doing my best finally so .

[msrenai21]

oh it’s been a long time since I needed to vent

for the first time since April, I feel suicidal again ;3; not enough to act but just thinking about it and it’s mainly my mom’s fault (again)

all 3 physical aspects of my life are major stressors right now. Work is stressful, home is stressful, and school is insanely stressful.

Work is stressful bc I’m a fucking moron and I’ll prolly mess up something soon or get yelled at

Home is stressful bc my mom is being horrible to me again. She still treats me like a burden and ugh she treats me as her “second wallet” and demands that I give her money whenever she needs it. If I say ‘no’ she’ll guilt trip me by saying “but I can’t support us both”. Okay, if you really needed extra money, stop buying alcohol and cigarettes multiple times a week. Cut down on buying expensive clothing and your $100 lotion. You don’t NEED that lotion for fuck’s sake you’re already old you’re not gonna look younger.

At one point (like a year ago??) she tried to steal my wallet once so now I have to go back to hiding it bc she might steal money from me. She’s always demanded that I forfeit my money to her as if she’s entitled to it. This has been going on since I was 8 years old, where I’d get like birthday money and she’d pull me to the side and bully me into giving it to her bc she needed it “more than some kid.”

I mistakenly told her that I could help her out with one of my paychecks in October, thinking she might not actually need it or she’d only need like $20. She told me yesterday that she expected me to give her $50+. I told her that after I deposit money into my savings for school ( you know the whole reason I got a job for???), I’d only have just under $100 for the next two weeks. She got so fucking mad at me and starting yelling “well how are you gonna survive off of that??? how are you going to buy gas once you give me the money??” like whoa ok chill i never agreed to $50+ so now I’m incredibly anxious and dreading october bc I’m gonna be broke and starving just so she can pay off some bs that she technically makes enough money for (if she would just stop buying shit that’ll kill her but whatever honestly)

on top of that, I have a hair appointment coming up in October that’s very pricey and my mom keeps pressuring me to stop dyeing my hair pink and go back to natural hair. Now I don’t know if I even want my hair appt anymore and if i should just listen to her. I don’t want to tho I don’t wanna go back to my natural hair bc I feel happier with the pink hair but I don’t know anymore;;;

and then school is another bullshit thing with a bullshit teacher who’s so fucking rude and unorganized I can’t even deal with her. On top of that, for 2 classes, I have to pay a total of $60 to do 4 assignments. Everything’s ridiculous

My depression has gotten so much worse in the past week that I don’t wanna even be here anymore. I feel sick to my stomach and fuck I’m just worried about money bc my mother genuinely believes that she’s entitled to the money that I make by working at my job. Ugh she had the audacity to ask how long it’s gonna take to save up for school when I told her that I can’t be helping her every time she needs money bc it’s my money I’m allowed to refuse. I told her it’s gonna take like 6-7 months bc hello??? I have to save up money for 3 semesters??? like are you fucking kidding me

and honestly she really doesn’t need help with bills it’s just that this bitch doesn’t know how to fucking save her money so she gets bills in on time, but she’s just big mad that I’m not helping her buy her alcohol and shit bc every time she cries and complains we dont have money, they somehow get *magically* paid for :///

and it’s funny how she begs me for help when she raised me to always be independent, to never ask people for money, to always assume worst case scenario, to assume that no one in the world cares for me and is never willing to help me when I need it, and yet, she doesn’t listen to her own advice. 

[agentdammers]

Grand Torchwood Rewatch 1x11

FIRST RULE OF WEEVIL FIGHT CLUB IS NO FUCKIN HETS ALLOWED IN WEEVIL FIGHT CLUB. It’s “Combat” my dudes!!!

content warn: pisstaking, fun having, everyone is terrible, owen harper call me its been 3 weeks and you still havent called me i’ve been home every day

- god, “anti weevil spray” is such a terrible and immensely fucking funny concept. IT’S ALIEN REPELLENT JACK. you’ve acquired Alien Repellent. do they sell that on the aisle next to the ant killer, or,

- i hate how gwen abandoning rhys at the restaurant is still kind of framed as though he’s in the wrong!!! He raises his voice because he’s such a HORRIBLE UNREASONABLE boyfriend, obviously!! “Don’t ever speak to me like that.” what do you want him to do gwen, jump for fucking joy? All you’ve done is run out on him, be totally fucking absent when you Did grace him with your presence bc you’d rather not be there, and LIE to him including bringing a total stranger into your home and claiming to him that she was a relative. And that’s only the stuff he KNOWS about, that doesn’t include fucking uhhhh Cheating On Him with your obnoxious twink coworker? Get a grip!!!!!

- continuing on the topic of gwen, she’s now obviously lost to that Torchwood Stockholm Syndrome that manages to afflict every member of the team and makes them Dumb as all Shit. once you become part of torchwood, your life becomes torchwood, and you forget how to be a reasonable fucking person outside of it and not do stupid shit like keep secret alien technology to fuck around with and seemingly forget that other people have feelings and that your actions can have damaging consequences. ....but thats just my 2p.

- angry bar dude calls owen a dickhead me: ah? i see you’ve met before?

- “That’s none of my business...” TOSHIKO DOIN WHAT LITERALLY EVERYONE DOES AFTER THEY’VE ALREADY STARTED DISHING THE GOSS ON SOMEONE

- now, listen, this has been on my mind since 1x01, but who dresses the weevils? and why do they all wear overalls!!! is this ever addressed? in any of the books, or anything? do they ever explain who puts clothes on these animalistic creatures bc they dont seem like it would be something that they would do of their own volition???

- THE WAY JACK YELLS AT A MAN LAYING FACE DOWN IN A WAREHOUSE AS THOUGH HE’S JUST THERE FOR LAUGHS AND HE’S GONNA GO “AW SHUCKS, SURE BUDDY! I’LL ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS!” IS SO FUCKING FUNNY I CANT COPE

- “If you ask me these guys are using weevils to carry out the perfect murder. No fingerprints, no traces of recognisable dna...” jack they fucking beat the dude up before they set a weevil on him. if it was a “”perfect murder”” why do some stupid bullshit like that first that would potentially cover someone in your fucking dna im shitting this Fucking Show, i tell ya

- speaking of Fucking Show: ah ! owen looks absolutely fucking plastered in foundation in the following scene in the van when gwen breaks it off with him

- WAIT ALL IS FORGIVEN, OWEN IS WEARING THAT TIGER SHIRT I LIKE

- Mark Lynch Wants Owen’s Butt Whole and THAT is what the kids call......... relatable content

- the “harper’s jellied eels” website bit is genuinely really good and funny it fuckin owns

- “Teeth like a shark.” jack harkness confirmed to have never seen a fucking shark in his life apparently if he thinks weevils teeth are owt like them

- anyone else fucked up that jack just let a weevil loose??? like how could you know that it wouldn’t run into some poor random person walking the streets and bite their face off.... but then again, tbqh, this is an extremely minor thing when you think of the scale of torchwood’s irresponsibility wrt Fucking Everything.

- Weevil tyler durden/mark emits horniness in fucking WAVES guys holy shit!! you could bottle it. sell this dudes aura as a humane alternative to rhino horn. Dude has now got owen home on the first date and immediately whips his shirt off, your boy is UNSTOPPABLE!!!!

- drinking game fans, TAKE A SHOT for another reference to something in the darkness

- though i will always Love jack being called out on terrible behaviour, there’s something about tosh saying “we would never deliberately put a human being through that!” to a weevil being beaten up thats like....... mmmmm i’m pretty sure yall have done Worse to people before though babe.... like, Pretty Sure...

- i can’t decide if the scene where gwen drugs & confesses to rhys is consciously showing that gwen is so fucking corrupted by Torchwood Stockholm Syndrome that she’ll go right ahead and do stupid immoral shit??? tbh i’ve grown so fond of rhys just bc i feel so bad for him, being lied to, cheated on and now, fucking roofied.

- O??? Baby Boy??? Baby???

- side note: makeup artists Know burn gorman looks good with a split lip, and so they run wth it (see also: pacific rim uprising)

- Ah? Did mark touch owen’s dick before they went to weevil fight club? I Think So !!!

- To be honest the funniest aspect of weevil fight club for me, apart from all of it, is that some dudes found an alien in cardiff and their immediate thought was “woah, wicked. lets punch it”

- another side note but about mark: something about his features are very...... david zayas, like a combination of him and rufus sewell but younger and buffer. h e l l o

- MARK & OWEN HAVE BOTH NOW CALLED EACHOTHER “GOOD BOY” AND HONESTLY!!!!!!!! HOLLERIN!!!!!! OH, HORNY!!!!

- owen and ianto confirmed to form their own club for Nihilistic Sad Boys Ready To Embrace Death

- LMAO WHY DOES JACK LEAVE MARK TO GET MAULED TO DEATH??? HE COULD’VE PULLED HIM OUT? HE COULD’VE SHOT THE WEEVIL AGAIN AND INCAPACITATED IT? HE COULD’VE DONE LITERALLY ANYTHING BUT HE DIDN’T, HE JUST PUT HIS GUN DOWN? god, why is he fucking l i k e  t h a t, u know??? he’s so willing to let other people outside of his own team die.

- owen sexy update: hospital owen............... sexy

- and on a final note, i do like how this episode sets up the bizarre relationship owen will have with the weevils that comes into play in s2. like its not strictly necessary i suppose because it would be explained by them perceiving owen’s unnatural living death state but also, its just kind of cool to think that it was a thing that actually existed anyway even before that.

next rewatch post with probably be a double season finale, and apart from there being time travel & the Real Jack Harkness i don’t remember a fuckin thing about how this series ended so i’m going in blind!!! wish me luck!