#bc if circumstances were different i know we’d be close friends

[prettyboysmlm]

reminded once again that i don’t have any friends.

[silkgonerough]

💒 Favorite Synastry Placements🍥💕

all based off of my own experiences/observations!

♡ hope you guys like it ♡

♡ moon in the 11th house:amazing! I hadn’t given this placement much thought in the beginning but it’s honestly the best feeling to have with someone. When I read about it I immediately looked up the house synastry between me and my childhood friend who I’ve known since I was born and viola his moon is in my 11th house! Idk how I knew but the energy we have is so comfortable and he’s someone where we can go a year without talking and then see eachother and it would feel like not even a day had passed. It’s a very light, happy, and authentic feeling when your around one another and just very natural. It’s like the other person knows everything about you and instead of feeling uncomfortable or vulnerable you feel accepted and welcomed. Great for friendships or relationships ♡

♡ moon conjunct venus: have this with my best friend :) everytime we get drunk we always end up confessing our love for eachother over text and it’s actually super funny. Very motherly relationship if that makes sense I think of her like my mom bc she always takes care of me! We can be do literally nothing and we’d still have a great time. This placement is great for just loving each others company ♡

♡ sun in the 5th house: super fun to have with anyone romantically or platonically! You two will always know how to make eachother laugh and are the life of the party when together :) the sun person loves being around the 5th house person a lot and may become extra needy for their attention once they realize how good they feel around them! The 5th house person is glad to give all their attention to the sun anyways tho ♡

♡ venus conjunct venus: underrated placement! your ways of showing love are very similar so you both feel comfortable and natural in giving eachother affection.You understand what the other person not only wants but needs without having to say anything. May be someone who enjoys a lot of the same music and art you like as well! Very aesthetically pleasing and loving relationship/friendship. Having this placement can smooth over a lot of hard saturn placements by making it easier for individuals to express their love for eachother.Very wholesome! ♡

♡ mercury in the 5th house: people I have this placement with make me laugh so hard. words are very reassuring and people who have mercury in your 5th know how to brighten up your mood with a couple of jokes! since this is in the house of leo which rules creativity and pleasure you may find yourself talking about a lot of crazy memories and things you’ve done with one another right off the bat. The mercury lights up the house person with their words ♡

♡ moon conjunct/trine jupiter: very very soft and supportive placement! you may feel unusually lucky when the two of you together and it’s because of how much positive energy you exude when together. Good karma tends to just follow you around when your with someone who shares this aspect with you. The moon person really enjoys being with the Jupiter person they admire their confidence and knowledge. The mood between both of you is always joyous and happy with a deep sense of respect for the other. You may exceptions for this person and their differences that you wouldn’t for anyone else! This aspect also helps to smooth out any repressing/negative aspects between you two ♡

♡ venus square mars: so this is definitely not for everyone but I’ve always found myself so attracted to people’s who’s venus’ square my mars vice versa possibly even more than the conjunct... idk why but I think the possibility of growth and change attracts me to them a lot since my love style is fixed (scorpio) I’m attracted to Leo and Aquarius since they’re love styles differ greatly than mine but they stay stable and consistent in how they show that love which is something I appreciate ♡

♡ mars in the 1st house: love the attraction and tension that comes with this aspect! People whose mars are in my first house are always the hottest in my eyes. Besides the sexual aspect the Mars person pushes the house person to take action and do things that may not normally be in their comfort zone. I like relationships/friendships that help me to grow so personally I don’t get annoyed at Mars influence when in this house ♡

♡ moon trine moon: honestly surprised I don’t see this one brought up more! If you share this someone you may probably take it for granted from how natural your connection is. Characterized by emotional harmony and balance this aspect is truely a blessing to see in any circumstance with another person. Being able to be emotionally open and expressive is very important to me with other people so my Pisces moon loves this aspect ♡

♡ venus in the 7th house: another placement that I have with my best friend! I’ve noticed that with most people I have this aspect with our friendships were very loving and physically intimate from the beginning! It didn’t take us very long to become that comfortable with one another and that element still hasn’t changed no matter how long I go without seeing them. ♡

♡ sun/mercury conjunct mercury: I feel like conversation and being able to communicate is a rlly important aspect in any partnership and this one of those aspects where you just kinda know what the other persons thinking without having to say anything. The word jinx may come up a lot too as you get closer with the other person bc your thought processes start to become synced up! I personally rlly like this aspect since it can bring two people very close together through simple conversations ♡

♡ sun in the 9th house: another underrated aspect! I may just love this because I’m a Sagittarius so this feels very comfortable to be in but this is honestly just so fun to have with someone. Lots of adventuring and exploring together both physically and mentally! This is also the type of relationship that helps both partners grow through simply learning about one another. Everything feels larger than life and suddenly you don’t feel that alone anymore when your with eachother ♡

[jojotichakorn]

Dearest Archer,

First of all, I am so so sorry that your little getaway didn’t give you the comfort and good times that you deserves. And I completely understand if you’re too overwhelmed for –yet another– xxxl ask of mine. 😥 But I had already finished this one, and I’m a little scared I’ll lose the notes otherwise. 😬 So, here it goes.

[I had already written a part about me hoping the trip would do you good. 😪 But since I already read that for whatever reason, it didn’t really work out that way, I will skip that part. Suffice to say, I just hope you feel better soon. ❤️‍🩹]

I hope you successfully survived my more than extensive Wai theory. 💀 If you don’t mind, I’d like to get back to it for a little bit. Because I think I caused a misunderstanding (yet again! 🤦‍♀️) and I would like to clear that up. Because let me be clear: I definitely condone Wai’s actions. You are absolutely right: NOTHING gives you the right to make another person sexuality or gender identity known before said person feels it’s time to do so (themselves!). And whether Pran and Pat are aware of it (I still think they aren’t 🙆‍♀️) and forgave him (that would be difficult than what the plot has currently provided us with 😕) or not, Wai’s deeds will remain problematic (to say the least). HOWEVER, if I put in the mental gymnastics of pulling Wai’s statement (he should have been the one to decide whether I was okay with you dating my enemy) apart from all the immoral things he did before saying it, I still think I can understand where he’s coming from. [insert personal story; skip of you’re not interested 😶] Without revealing too many details, I was once in a similar situation. (For the record, I didn’t proceed to do anything that could’ve harmed my friend in any way!) My (straight) friend got into a relationship that was ~controversial~ (actually, her partner choice was -> we’d known the guy since secondary school, but the circumstances/ age gap made the relationship a bit complicated). At first, I had no idea about any of this (most of my bff squad didn’t, I later found out. (She told us about this after they’d already broken up.) Flash-forward to my 22nd birthday, a year or three after all of this had taken place. On that occasion, he announced they were engaged to be married (I was like: wtf, I didn’t know you guys were together again let alone getting married. 🤯) When they eventually got married none of us were invited (apparently the wedding was very small scaled bc of said controversy). And I literally heard about it from my brother who had seen the pictures on Facebook. 😖 In the end, our “celebration” was looking at the wedding pictures at their home. Which was ok, but you know, not the same thing. Flash-forward to now, they are happily married and I am so glad for them. I (or any of us) never told my friend about all of this and I probably never will. But it still stings from time to time. Obviously, my story is something completely different from Wai’s short-lived experience of feeling butthurt. However (if my neurodivergent brain isn’t betraying me), I recognise the underlying feeling of not having been given the chance to be happy for a good friend who went through something so grand and/or be a confidant of some sort. (Btw, Wai better clean up his act with laundry detergent, bc at this point he definitely lost ALL of his wedding privileges! 😤)

That being said, let me respond to all of my anon friends:

New anon: So far, I haven’t heard anything back from you. But we’re closing in on the backgrounds of some other knights. However, this knight still has some pride, so I don’t want to make it too easy. I wonder what gave you the idea you knew. Either that one trait is universally known or you might not live so far from here yourself. 😉 So allow me to give you (and Archer + the other knights) one hint. Here it goes: one of my most famous compatriots is the lead singer of a metal band. Good luck! 🍀

Reliable anon: Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate your input a lot, especially the idea of the round table (I am pretty sure you came up with the idea right? 🤭) Atm, my win-spiration has dried up a little bit, but I’ll do my best to find my mo-jimmy again. (that’s a character/ actor combo 🙀 -> points for me 😎) Also, me being pran-tastic? That’s the best compliment I got in 2021! 🥺 (Unrelated but: am I the only one who thinks of 🍤 every time I hear Pran’s name? 😅) Also, lol, the round table is inclusive that it adopts its own members! 🤣

Lost anon: I really hope that one of these days, Archer will get around to publishing my previous ask regarding this. Because I regret the confusion about this. In case Arthur didn’t, let me explain. In short: I am 💟 anon. And I said “asking for a friend” because I didn’t feel ready to make this “a thing” for myself…even in anon. 🤫 (🤡🤡🤡 to my naive ass thinking that I was done finding out new things about myself after 2021… 💗💜💙) But I knew that Archer carefully tags his anons and I wanted to keep track of the ask. So that’s why I signed off under another name. Guess I am my own “mastress” and “servant”… 🙃

Unreliable anon: It has been a long while since I’ve last heard from you. I hope you “aced” your exams worked out well for you and I look forward to your reply. ❤️

Song rec anon: Obviously, this is your territory 🤌, but I wanted to jump in on the fun for just once and suggest “You’re the One” by Tracy Chapman. I think it mainly works from Pran’s pov, but most of all I just love the song and especially Tracy Chapman. (thanks Tracy for getting me through my teens 💕💕💕)

Star anon: My 🐐, Star, I love your manifestations, pls never stop! 🤩 You articulate precisely what I thought as well. I’m just curious, are you watching Not Me too?

~ operanon 🎼

P.S. @lost anon: About my age, I can give you a subtle hint. It’s “P’Jimmy” but “Nong Krist” for me. That should give you an inkling. 🤓

hey, operanon!! thank you so much for all your kind wishes, i am feeling much better right now.

the only metal band i know is fucking rammstein, so that could only give me germany, but i am also not well-versed in metal bands at all. *whispers* also star anon is not watching not me yet, no. as for your age, my head is hurting, because one is 27 and the other is 26. i know i'm bad at math but not THAT bad 😭 and i would really appreciate it if you sent in your song rec in a separate ask, so that the bad buddy communal playlist tag wouldn't get cluttered with things unrelated to songs.

also, if someone has any issues reading operanon's story, here it is under the cut without being crossed out:

Without revealing too many details, I was once in a similar situation. (For the record, I didn’t proceed to do anything that could’ve harmed my friend in any way!) My (straight) friend got into a relationship that was ~controversial~ (actually, her partner choice was -> we’d known the guy since secondary school, but the circumstances/ age gap made the relationship a bit complicated). At first, I had no idea about any of this (most of my bff squad didn’t, I later found out. (She told us about this after they’d already broken up.) Flash-forward to my 22nd birthday, a year or three after all of this had taken place. On that occasion, he announced they were engaged to be married (I was like: wtf, I didn’t know you guys were together again let alone getting married. 🤯) When they eventually got married none of us were invited (apparently the wedding was very small scaled bc of said controversy). And I literally heard about it from my brother who had seen the pictures on Facebook. 😖 In the end, our “celebration” was looking at the wedding pictures at their home. Which was ok, but you know, not the same thing. Flash-forward to now, they are happily married and I am so glad for them. I (or any of us) never told my friend about all of this and I probably never will. But it still stings from time to time. Obviously, my story is something completely different from Wai’s short-lived experience of feeling butthurt. However (if my neurodivergent brain isn’t betraying me), I recognise the underlying feeling of not having been given the chance to be happy for a good friend who went through something so grand and/or be a confidant of some sort.

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

Do you have any tips for distinguishing the feelings of “Do I wanna be her or date her?” and also “Do I wanna be her friend or do I wanna date her?” Cause sometimes I get really confused

Sorry that I have been ignoring this ask for a while. I have been a bit overwhelmed with other stuff.

Having problems to distinguish between “do I wanna be her or do her?” is a very common experience for many queer women because it can be hard to clearly identify your attraction to someone of your own gender when that’s something you have only been exploring recently and/or have just not been socialised into knowing that’s an option. I personally don’t remember ever having been in such a situation regarding other women but I’ve been in the “friendship or romance” limbo for a little while before I got together with my boyfriend so I can talk about that.

I know that ~feelings~ for another person aren’t always super clear. And they don’t have to be. For a long time I saw my boyfriend as nothing but a fatherly friend (yes, I know, sometimes life is kinky on accident) and then when I realised I might have some kind of romantic and/or sexual feelings that was confusing as fuck bc I’ve never considered him as a potential partner at all. And likewise, there can be situations where you feel uncertain if your feelings for a woman are pure admiration or maybe even envy or platonic, romantic, sexual. Because often feelings for someone are not just one thing. I have a very close friend whom I also find very attractive and under different circumstances in some parallel universe I would probably try to make a move - but not in this one. Our lives turned out differently but I don’t find it hard to imagine that there’s a version of us out there where she and I are dating. We’d vibe well together.

So, sometimes you cannot really find the answer to those questions unless you make a choice for one possibility and then act accordingly - even if you then later realise that this wasn’t the right choice, you may need to make an assumption about your feelings first and then go on a cycle of repeated self-reflection and course-correction until you’ve got it at least somewhat figured out. Or not. Again: sometimes things are confusing and that’s okay.

To go back to my loosely related personal experience example: when I wasn’t sure if those new and weird feelings for my now-boyfriend were really becoming romantic I thought about it for a while, I tried approaching the subject with him and hear him out on his feelings for me to see if that would spark something in me. And then eventually I just said to myself “the idea of falling on love with him seems very nice so maybe I’ll just run with that for a bit and see what happens” and well.... I’m still running with it 3 1/2 years later and have no intention of slowing down. But there was no guarantee it would work out like this. It could’ve also been that after a couple weeks I would’ve realised my feelings were only ever platonic and then we would’ve dealt with that accordingly and I’m sure the friendship would’ve survived that.

I guess a few things you can ask yourself to help the self-reflection is stuff like: if you could just make any kind of relationship ~happen~ with that person - what would it be? like, if you could fast-forward to a point where the getting-to-know was already behind you - do you see yourself as their friend or as their partner? maybe also ask yourself what to you makes the difference between friendship and romantic relationship (and likewise, difference between sexual and romantic) and when you’ve found some answers about that then is there one clear corner in which you wish this person to be? And note that someone can (and often is) in multiple corners at once.

At the end of the day those are questions that you can only answer for yourself and that might even change as you get older, make different experiences, meet other people. So don’t be afraid of exploring your own feelings and of making a wrong assumption about the nature of your feelings. As long as you are open and honest about that and approach it with good intent, you don’t do anything wrong.

Maddie

[lgbtpolitics]

1, 11, 21

1) Are you bothered by your cosmic insignificance?

No in fact it actively comforts me when I feel under pressure.

11) Would you change your appearance if you could?

Yes absolutely lmao. There's a lot of things about my looks I cant stand.

21) Do you have someone, be it friend or a stranger, that you think you could have loved had the circumstances been different?

I was texting someone pre pandemic who seemed really lovely, we were supposed to go on a date but then lockdown hit, I then graduated uni so I don't live anywhere near her anymore... I guess that could have gone somewhere but we'll never know.

I was in love with someone when I was 16, she was the first person I (properly) came out to, she wasnt really sure of her sexuality and neither of us were willing to be open about it. We were best friends and kind of acknowledged other feelings in there, in that super awkward teenage way lmao, then I moved back to the UK (clearly I move away at bad times ahaha). If we'd still been close as we got a bit older we might have actually been together.

On the flip side of this, there was a guy who was my on and off "boyfriend" through lower school. We got on really well, in an alternate universe where we and everyone around us didnt assume we should be together bc boy and girl having a laugh = romance I think we might have been really good mates.

[psi-psina]

Tour19 This Way to Self-Destruction Kanazawa & Fukuoka ♡

金沢市文化ホール

Kanazawa was a day of reunions and meetings with many precious people so it’s a day that will always stand out in my memory. Kanazawa Bunka Hall is a lovely venue but felt a little odd for a rock concert. Due to various circumstances I ended up with a front row seat in this hall, dead in front of Shinya and Die. I was extremely excited about it but it also felt quite odd, because the circumstances that led to me getting this ticket were really unfortunate. Anyway. 

The edge of the stage was barely over an arms length away and there was this hilarious little rope on the ground at our feet for the ‘barrier’. I think they only raised it during the encore? I was concerned I’d be going head first into the stage when headbanging, but thankfully it wasn’t a problem and I quickly realised we’d have to be far more careful of the photographers crawling around in front of us trying to get  their pics of the guys 😂 Thankfully they were very accomodating of our enthusiasm and we were no trouble to them 😂 I hope. Although I think during one song a guy may have got whipped by my hair. I’m sorry bro. So yes, DEAD IN FRONT of Shinya and Die…It was Bliss…I think this is probably the deepest engagement I’ve ever been able to have during a live because there were just no mitigating factors…the stage was right there and there was no one in front of me or crushing me or hindering me in any way. Unbelievable. The stage in Bunka Hall was pretty large and not just wide but quite deep. Kyo’s box was placed way further back than usual, like easily a good few steps between it and the stage edge.

I believe that both the SE and the SE footage used on this tour are the same as in TIW spring tour. There maaay be some variation in the footage but overall the impression is exactly the same. I was surprised by that because I had thought that this being such an extensive tour with a new single at the helm that they might develop the visuals a bit more, and mix things up a bit, but this tour is no different to TIW tour aesthetically speaking. It’s also a less varied setlist, which surprised me at first, but now makes complete sense due to the nature of The World of Mercy. 

絶縁体 谿壑の欲 Downfall Devote My Life Celebrate Empty Howls 人間を被る 赫 Merciless Cult Rubbish Heap 軽蔑と始まり Values of Madness Ranunculus The World of Mercy

EN. HYDRA -666- 鬼眼 Followers NEW AGE CULTURE 詩踏み

Seeing Zetsuentai up that close for the first time was incredibly moving, and then the transition right into Keigaku created this most hypnotic atmosphere. It was a really nice opening pair especially for a seated venue, it let the atmosphere really blossom before jumping into the more energetic songs. They started Downfall and I lost it, I think the only song I was looking forward to hearing again MORE from The Insulted World was Ningen. I cannot believe I was meh about Downfall until I experienced it live! On record, at first I thought it just sounded choppy and a bit generic, but live it just explodes with emotional intensity and I am absolutely crazy about the bridge. Major highlight was Die coming right up to the edge of the stage at literal arms-length away and just rocked out there for a moment while I threw down my SPINE. He was wearing these glittering wide-leg trousers that really caught my eye when he was right there…And his hair is magnificent 💞 And then IN DEVOTE Kaoru came over from shimote during the second verse and stood in the same place…right over me and Britti and, made his rock star face…pretty sure I lost control of my entire face and possibly shouted “TO DIE IN” right at him, RIP…I cannot fully remember but he was, enthused. Oh my god…I love him. So I have very little memory of Kyo from Downfall > Ningen due to the fabulous antics of Die and Kaoru, but Kyo’s wonderful dancing in Celebrate obviously always stands out. He does this irresistible jerky dance with his hips and arms and flops his head around during the main riff and like, it’s impossible to NOT move watching him do this. This song is so much FUN live.

Every time I hear those opening chords of Ningen I experience, like, a physical anticipation and pleasure that is pretty much unique to this song. No other song gives me a physical sensation like this one, I just find it really, really intensely emotional. And I know this song is sooommmewhat derivative and hardly like groudbreaking-ly original or anything like that and I DON’T. CARE. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Stanning 人間 till DEATH, bye. Also during the second interlude, after Ningen (I think) we were calling out for Shinya, which I do not do ENOUGH. I mean I was standing RIGHT in front of him, I had no excuse not to stan. Called for Kyo as well bc he was sitting on the drum stand like RIGHT THERE and I was like “oh fuck 🤡”

ALSO one important tidbit I don’t want to forget about, is a friend telling me she could see Die glancing at my hair all the time while I was headbanging 😂 the thought of this makes me feel all glowy

I have only the vaguest memory of Aka…I was thinking about it as I was looking at the setlist and trying to remember each song and I could barely conjure Aka at all. It just didn’t stand out especially tonight which is weird for me, because last spring it was paired with undecided. Played as a ‘pair’, those two songs created an unforgettable and incredibly distinct moment in the set each night…on this tour Aka is somewhat marooned, alone in the middle with all the really energetic songs. I do recall Kyo creating his loop out of the mic chord and dragging it around his neck during the guitar solo, and watching Die’s passion at various moments. And I do so so so love being called on to sing during this song…I love singing Aka so much, the melody is so smooth and melancholy and the words just flow off the tongue so beautifully…I love it

After Aka we smashed into Merciless Cult and I have a lot of trouble remembering anything from Merciless > Values with any cognisance. Kyo moved around a LOT during Rubbish Heap and Values and I think Die and Kaoru also did. Kyo was energetic and interactive during this part of the set and he was demanding MORE from the audience. I wish I had seen more of Toshiya tonight but I honestly barely saw him, he did not visit our side at all or move to the front much and a lot of the time Kyo obscured him from my line of vision. Bby! I was able to see Kaoru most of the time but I only turned to him at select times bc, guys. Die was RIGHT in front of me and I love him. As if I’m going to treat him so poorly?

Then it was time for Ranunculus & The World of Mercy. I have listened to The World of Mercy incessantly since it’s release, but for me, the effect of it’s ‘pairing’ with Ranunculus in this set, almost as a Part 2 of that song was just…after the experiences and emotions of Ranunculus on the previous two tours… in a way it was deeply heartbreaking.  Kyo was extremely emotional during Ranunculus today, but it felt different…I couldn’t put my finger on it until we talked about it afterwards, but it was rattling. I couldn’t tell if he was weeping, but he screamed, and tore at his clothing and thrashed his body around and then at the end of the song, he fell and bent into the foetal position. Delay was used on the mic as they transitioned out of Ranunculus into the soft open of Mercy. He began making these desperate, abstract sounds that immediately reminded me of his inward screams. Perhaps he was using words but to me it sounded like wordless pleading murmuring and gurgling and breath. I could clearly see his face on the floor while he was doing this and it was unpleasant to watch…it’s hard to describe at all. He sounded like he was crying, but I don’t know if there were tears. He sat up slowly, cradling the mic and then began laughing horribly. Letting out these hopeless forced cackles as he sat there looking crumpled, and that was how he vocalised the first lines of Mercy.

It was difficult to watch. I wanted to cry but also wanted to hide. I did not feel this horrible hopelessness in Mercy at the following 3 lives I attended, which is not to say that it wasn’t there, but perhaps was more poetic and contained, and less raw than it was tonight. The following 3 shows also had a far greater sense of intimacy and rapport between the band and the audience imho. When Mercy came to an end the hall was just engulfed in dead silence. The backdrop went black, and then glowed with DIR EN GREY + the tour title in bright red text. I almost completely burst into tears. The members all left quietly and applause broke out, and then the call for encore went up. I collapsed momentarily to drink some water but then had to stand back up bc lol if I’d stayed seated it would have all been OVER for me.

The encore was LIT, but it was a bit odd having Followers right in the middle of all the rowdy songs. Hydra 666 mates…mates UGGGHHHHH IT’S JUST SO FUCKIN LIT ugghhh the mask experience is insane and seeing Kyo projected on the backdrop like THAT…in THAT song. Epic iconic immortal ugh this influence this legacy. I almost FELL head first into the stage during Kigan, it was a CLOSE CALL. New Age was absolutely manic, Kyo was running everywhere and I’m pretty sure it was on his way back from kamite here that he gestured at us as he danced past hahaha I was too close to the stage to see anything he was doing on his adventures, and I think Kaoru came over again and Die visited shimote 💞At the end of the song Kyo was right at the edge in the centre, and he was grimacing with his effort not to smile. He failed and smiled hugely for a moment with his face turned on side.

They closed out with Utafumi which I can honestly never remember well, like the song is just too hectic and always ends with me bent over bashing my brain against my skull. At the end Shinya was being EXTREMELY PASSIONATE with the drums, it was RATTLING my whole body and Toshiya was like…. .. .. . . . … .. . . …. . .. . (are u done???) lajsndflkas 💞At the end Kyo stood on his crate and briefly took in the hall with an unreadable expression, he clapped and then departed. The other guys threw a few goodies, and then also departed. None of them seemed displeased, and from my vantage they all seemed to have had a good live but I was told the audience was rather stoic so they weren’t excessive with their gifts at the end of the night. I have a very distinct memory of Kaoru doing his thing…standing DEAD in front of me hardcore ignoring us 😂 Die and Toshiya did the same but they are like, not so deliberate about it. They just like, cruise along while Kaoru deliberately stands there with that smirk like. hahahaa….ur not getting one alskjdnflaksjd. It makes me LAUGH 😂 The backdrop was emblazoned with the band’s name and tour title again, and Kaoru was the last to leave. He left with smiles and waves and gestured strongly at the backdrop which got an additional cheer. Then he left! And I immediately became a boneless blob…I think my muscles took a whole week to recover from this show.

Zepp Fukuoka 

This is a VERY Kyo centric report I am sorry for all the things that ESCAPED ME!

So this show made me never, ever want to miss a Dir live in Fukuoka ever again. Tonight was so emotional!! This is the third time I’ve seen Dir in Fukuoka and the second time I’ve seen them at the Zepp, although I believe it  has been completely re-done and is a different venue to the time I saw them there in 2015. To get inside the hall we had to go down two flights of stairs and inside it felt very intimate. I had a good number and had a nice spot just at the back of the pit in front of the first rail which is where I love to be. I was right between Toshiya and Kyo, and it was such a good spot.

絶縁体 人間を被る Downfall Devote My Life Celebrate Empty Howls Merciless Cult 谿壑の欲 赫 Rubbish Heap 軽蔑と始まり Values of Madness Ranunculus The World of Mercy

EN. 理由 Followers 凱歌、沈黙が眠る頃 NEW AGE CULTURE 詩踏み

Kyo’s outfit tonight I absolutely LOVED, he was wearing the HELL out of a calf-length pleated black skirt with his tabi boots and a white dress shirt done up at the neck with a black ribbon, plus a slim black harness over the shirt as well. There were several times where I was just completely transfixed by his silhouette, and the ‘flow’ this long skirt gave his body and movements.

Zetsuentai had a BIGGER impact tonight and honestly there were a couple of moments for me where tears came on…when he broke into ”aa, damashi au koto de dare…” my heart felt like it was being squeezed and tears just came out…the second one, after “kono sekai mienakereba jibun no mama de ireru”, was even worse..and then when he broke into “shinjite mireba…” I was practically gasping for air…not due to heavy crying, because i wasn’t, but I was just overcome with emotion that couldn’t find it’s way out in tears…my whole body felt like a prison and I just wanted to scream. So Zetsuentai was…amazing tonight, it was only topped by the second night in Okinawa. Because that night, it was mid-set… I was VISIBLY not the only person having an emotional breakdown.

The final riff in Zetsuentai ground to a halt and the hall erupted in feral screaming, completely drowning out the final notes of the track and then oh my god…we slid into Ningen and I experienced extreme catharsis lmao oh my god…Kyo spoke as those opening chords sounded and we roared at him and that’s all I can remember except for headbanging and singing my heart out…it was Bliss. At the end of Ningen there was an break and Kyo sat on the drum stand and just looked at the crowd, and Toshiya left the stage. They did this during every break this evening. The screaming was deafening, just absolutely amazing. Growling. It drew to an end we had Downfall, Devote, Celebrate and Merciless. I just can’t…Fukuoka  LOVED Downfall, we were singing the FUCK outta that bridge well before the section that Kyo gives to us and he LOVED it, and then Devote started and Kyo was moving all over the place and did the whole song basically right at the edge of the stage, pointing and gesturing and making faces. Celebrate was a DANCE, we had some BOPS. There was this super passionate guy right next to me who just got down SO HARD for this song as well, we had the SPACE to dance and bop so we just did it and I just lajskdnflaksjd the Toshiya fangirls to my front-left were also just having the BEST fucking time. I kept hearing this girl sing out “Toshiyaaaaaa” in this really quite melodious voice all night laksjdnlf. Kyo’s dancing was also wonderful, his long skirt accentuated his hip movements uhuhu 😭

Merciless Cult is a blur, I could DIE. At the start Kyo snarled “掛かって来い!!!” at us and there was a lot of shrieking and oh my god that mosh…Kaoru and Die were LOVING it and Kyo was shaking his entire body at us as we screamed “GASP” and oh my god oh my god… Kyo just wordlessly howled at us to sing “kurikaeshi tsuranuku…aaaa, doko ka, kowarete yuku” and people SCREAMED with Kyo as he broke out at the end of the line and threw ourselves back into the riff….I am honestly shaking just thinking about it.

And then Keigaku came after the second interlude with a lot more feral screaming and oh. my. god. This Keigaku is INCOMPARABLE and probably my FAVOURITE performance that I have ever witnessed of this song. Kyo sighed creepily into the mic at the start, making these sinuous movements with his body and voice that were just COMPLETELY captivating and then slid into those obscure words…before each heavy riff he just HOWLED, it was like his body was taken over by the song completely. During the thrash sections the crowd went WILD and I don’t mean just movement I mean people were screaming, i was losing my mind. By the time the second verse sidled up we were so hypnotised it felt like everyone there was swaying in sync and we drew into that riff again, Kyo was singing COMPLETELY different lyrics and in that small empty space before Kaoru crashes in he CACKLED into the mic and then just shrieked…oh my god oh mygod. He sang “me o mukeyou to wa shinai, sou made shite itsuwarita…” with such a sensual quality like he was winding in on himself… then as it ended he uttered those omitted (?) words…はやく死ね (“fucking die quickly”; personally i feel like the sentiment is very like “i hope you drop dead” but that’s my impression)… 

and those words led straight into Aka, which left a MUCH bigger impression than in Kanazawa because god following Keigaku… In the second verse he sang different lyrics and then called on us to sing…it felt very subdued and hopeless. Kyo looped the chord around and around again… ugh. And then Rubbish Heap ohhhhh my god. Kyo went straight to kamite at the start of Rubbish Heap and held his fist up and SHOOK it at us, and I saw more people than USUAL make fists lmao. Me and old mate next to me were jump-punching the air with every “FIST” and Kyo gestured in our direction and I know Die saw us 😂 Keibetsu and Values are just…a blur of adrenaline. I know the guys moved around during Values but I was too busy dancing to remember ljhgkhgkj.

Ranunculus was so incredibly soft tonight…At the start Kyo was breathing into the mic and the opening verse was so beautiful and during the second he became teary…he beat himself with the mic and screamed three times before the final chorus … ;_______; As it ended Kyo kept repeating “わたし…一人で…” with delay on the mic again and then just lapsed into silence. He sang those first lines of Mercy almost with a kind of lethargy…like he’d just woken up. His body looked limp as well…he started moving the mic around so his voice was smaller and more distant…and when it reached “majiwaru ima…” he just wailed it and screamed out as Shinya broke in…I was absolutely beside myself and was just standing there crying…he vocalised “mada minu mirai de kusarou” in this desperate elongated wail that is probably the most vivd memory I have from the entire concert. As he repeats “yuugi…yuugi…yuugi…” he turns and slowly draws his arm around in circles…he uses his whole body to make this shape though, using his hips to create this undulating motion that is completely hypnotic.

During the interlude after the first heavy section Kyo gnaws on his wrist. He did this in Kanazawa as well, but tonight it was rather more intense for me I think because I was more directly in front of him and he was making extremely erotic moaning and sighing and sucking sounds into the mic. >.< In Kanazawa this part was slightly alarming bc it looked like he was really BITING his wrist, but after seeing it a few times there is far more tongue than tooth action and it can be appreciated as a more ritualistic/symbolic performance. After gnawing he holds his wrist over his cupped hand as though collecting blood in it, then scoops with his fingers and smears it across his lips and eyes…all you can hear is piano and his breathing. Then he wailed “majiwaru ima…” and I immediately started crying again, as I already felt quite FRAGILE watching this. >.<

The encore was a blast. Wake + Followers was an absolute pleasure and then THEY PLAYED GAIKA and I’m pretty sure I fuckin astral projected because I can’t remember a GOD DAMN THING that might have happened!! New Age is a DIFFERENT STORY during New Age Kyo made fish-hooking gestures in his mouth with his pinky finger, dragging one side of his mouth up into a deranged smile before flinging his hand out, I remember him doing this both at kamite and in the centre, dancing around and pointing and eyeballing people. And it was during the breakdown in this song where Kyo was right in the middle and he bent forward and started doing this STOMP DANCE in time with the riffs and it was SO FUCKING DOPE UGGGHHH his expression and posture were so ON POINT it’s literally one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen. Kaoru also came to the middle and I absolutely screamed and shook my fist at him like a lunatic and he just jutted his chin lmfao. I cannot remember a thing from Utafumi either, it is hopeless.

Kyo stayed at the end longer than he did in Kanazawa, it was kinda sweet, with each show I attended he stayed a bit longer. He clapped and fox-kissed us and waved bye-bye and then left. the other guys stayed longer as well and threw MUCH more stuff than they did in Kanazawa. And everyone left GLOWING. Band and fans. Everyone looked so full and pleased, it was wonderful. I feel like the whole band and everyone in the crowd had a wonderful night. ❤️

[hayesit]

matt’s 2019 year in review

here it is! and it’s late because i had other/better things to do (and procrastinating), was recovering from hangovers (also procrastinating), and recovering from being sick (procrastinating).

i’ve been doing these year in review posts since 2016, so here is my fourth installment. every year i look back through my google calendar, my camera roll, and my bullet journal as a gratitude exercise and to chart my own development as an adult. 

here is my spotify wrapped 2019!

the beginning of this year was off to a good start: i met two friends that i know through the internet! i met my friend riley when she visited boston (i met her through a mutual friend and through overwatch league twitter) and my friend jimmy that i’ve known for…. 6 or 7 years (?!) through tumblr and designed the logo for me and alex’s late podcast, hardly tea, may she rest in peace. 

i moved dorm rooms in between the fall and spring semester, and once again i was not happy with where i lived. i lived with 4 rando’s that i was placed with and the 5 of us barely even talked with each other. my direct roommate i saw for only two weeks, and for the nights he slept over in the bed (that he was paying room and board for) and had the worst snoring humanly possible that not even earplugs could kill (video below). i hardly slept while he was there and roamed the halls of riverview suites like a ghost due to the anxiety i felt about my lack of sleep (we love a vicious circle)! he disappeared after those two weeks without notice and i lived in fear of him returning for the rest of the semester (which he didn’t), but returned to my normal sleep schedule. 

that semester was my first semester of full-time grad school. i got a poor grade on an assignment that had a note from the professor that said she knew i could do better and it hit me how much different grad school is from undergrad and how much more effort and dedication it requires. after crying in my professor’s office, my work ethic has improved since then, but it’s not anywhere near where i’d like it to be (more on that later). 

now to more positive things for the spring semester: i met some friends that semester both ~on and offline~ that made the semester far more bearable AND i did however truly pop off in every last one of my powerpoint presentations for class. i looooove making powerpoints and just fuckin telling jokes about my research topic and have ppl tell me that they are looking forward to my presentation & that i should teach college classes :)!

me and 4 friends had a social group in which we’d drink and play board games and forget about the board game and drunkenly talk shit called cabam after all our first initials! i always looked forward to that and dug the group chemistry a lot.

during this semester i grew a   “ beard “, otherwise known as i chose not to shave just to  “ see what would happen “ (praythatitfilledin). sorry about that!

the overwatch league was something that i had to look forward to watch every week and i had my experience enhanced through sideshow and avast’s unofficial companion streams, which guaranteed lots of laughs. i have bought tickets to two boston home games in 2020 which i am very excited about! analysts have predicted boston to be in 20th place this year (there are 20 teams) but i’m still excited for the 2020 season anyway!!

i can’t have a year-in-review of 2019 without mentioning game of thrones. due to the show’s final season being undeniably weak, i enjoyed the camaraderie with the other people that watched thrones during those six weeks. i haven’t thought about the show or its universe for quite a while, unfortunately. i truly was quite into the world of westeros, but the weakness of the end of the story cheapened the journey of each of the characters, in a way. such a shame.

while i got my diploma in december 2018, i walked across the stage of umass lowell’s tsongas arena with my bachelor of arts in psychology (and minor in theatre arts). it wasn’t as emotional or triumphant of an experience and just felt weird, considering i had already gotten my diploma and was going to remain in the clutches of rowdy the riverhawk as i am staying for my masters degree in applied behavior analysis/autism studies. i brought a ceramic monkey to graduation. it didn’t have any symbolism, but i just wanted to see if they’d stop me (which they didn’t)

 this summer was better than most summers of mine go, i hung out with alex nearly every weekend, got my very first iphone, and got a data plan. the combination of these three things got me back into playing pokemon go, an unexpectedly fun pastime! went on lots of walks!

my favorite day of summer was going to a lake with alex and our friend gianna, who i grew closer to after meeting her during macbeth last year. fond 2019 memories with gianna include: doing simulation patients with her, watching movies with her and alex, and the halloween party. what a great gd person and a great gd friend! big fan and eternally rooting for her. 

fire emblem: three houses came out on the switch in august and is, without a doubt, my game of the year. there’s truly so much to love about the game: the world, the characters, new changes made to the series, things that were gone but returned, interesting micromanaging, and best of all, how huge my brain feels when playing it. 

i got a 6-week summer job as a paraprofessional at an extended-school-year program for children with developmental disabilities at a preschool in haverhill which taught me a lot of lessons, such as: i hate cleaning shit off of children.

then i had feelings that didn’t make much sense for about a month! whoops!

my full-time job i currently have is working at my old high school as a behavior specialist. i provide consultation and work on programs to lead to more appropriate behavior in students, primarily ones with developmental disabilities. so far it’s been fairly rewarding, some days are more challenging than others, some days are a lot of sitting in meetings, and some days are a lot of running around. some days there is not much to do at all, which has its obvious upsides and downsides. working at the high school isn’t something that i want to do forever, but it’s a good place to start with. i’m definitely learning a lot and there are a lot of benefits to working here. sometimes i can work on my grad school work (which is all online until the 2020 summer semester) which is definitely huge. and my commute is either a 15 minute walk or 3 minutes if my mom drives me! 

a ~complex~ thing about working in my hometown is that it makes the most financial sense to live at home because it’s so close to work. this is my first time living at home full-time since high school and i’m not enjoying that part too much. most weekends i visit alex in lowell, but being stuck at home with no car (going to retake the license test in the spring when the ice melts!) and having to go to bed so early definitely hurts. sure, i have what is likely the lowest amount of expenses i’ll ever have in my life (no car-related payments, no rent, no groceries), but i feel landlocked. i feel like a teenager with minimal freedom, which is in part because my mom doesn’t quite understand yet that i’m a 22 year-old that should have a lot more freedom than i do now. the most i really do on weekdays after work gets out (2:30p) is go to savers with my mom if it’s tuesday (senior citizen day), maybe go for a walk if it’s nice out (which for most of the school year, it isn’t), or be on the computer watching bon appetit videos and playing overwatch, fire emblem, or pokemon, eat a bland dinner at 6, go to bed at around 9:30. sad! truly not a situation that i want to be trapped in that much that much longer!

i think the best and most important part of this year was becoming closer with alex. as i mentioned before, we see each other most weekends, to our great benefit. our living situations have flip-flopped, with me living at home and alex living in an apartment near campus, which in both similar and different ways have taken their respective tolls on us. having each other while going through changes and stagnations in our lives has been immeasurably important. thank you alex for providing a place to be myself other than my own head. thank you for being my best friend. 

now i come to the thing that i’m most excited about for 2020. not 2 suck my own horn but i have cobbled together a fuckin dream team of five friends (me, alex, chris, kelly, and molly). the two times we have all gotten together it has been so satisfying in such a wonderful and otherworldly way that i am filled to the brim of happiness being around them. the craziest thing is that i met chris and kelly through twitter! TWITTER. and they’re real-ass people and my real-ass friends! i haven’t been so pleased with something in my life like this for so long and it feels so good to have adult friends that i have chosen rather than friends by circumstance. it’s truly a crime that we can’t see each other more often, but we already have a day picked out for the next time we all do something together. feeling emotional writing this paragraph bc i love me gd friends so much!

there is a lot of uncertainty about this new year for me. i sure as fuck don’t want to live at home more than i have to but don’t know where to go, my practicum class starts for me this summer which means i’ll most likely have to change jobs (fine by me, but will be exhausting), i recently began my search for therapists and hope to find one soon to help me ~unpack things~, my thesis begins in the fall semester and i don’t know what to do for it, and i’m not 100% dead-set on working in special education. it’s been hard transitioning from living on campus and going to school full-time to the life i have now. 

[lizziesquire]

Liz, how did you and smile boy meet/start your relationship? Jw bc you guys are so cute ((:

hallo hallo, b!!!!

Thank you so much for dealing with my stupidly sappy and vomit-inducing tags…..I apologize profusely for being such a sap, but alas–love makes one dumb, doesn’t it :

We always marvel at how we should’ve met a long time ago, as we were in the same transfer cohort into c0rnell, and in the same school/major, at that (so we had 30+ mutual friends)–but we actually met at our summer internship (going into senior year), where we were seated across each other at the same 4-person table for the entire 10 (?) weeks.

As for starting our relationship……….. it’s quite the long story and I’m sure that I’ve spewed enough about him in the tags for people to be quite sick of seeing him mentioned, so to keep it short: 

after our internship ended, I was sad about probably not seeing him at school as his life centered around vastly different things than mine did, on campus, and I very much thought that we would grow apart and that we’d only been so close due to circumstances… 

but then some potentially Very Questionable Things happened on the last day of our internship (at happy hour, when we were celebrating getting our full-time offers)

then we continued to talk and text during the time post-internship and pre-school

back at school, I ended up sleeping over at his place (platonically!) before he kissed me our third night back

started seeing each other; i ended things with him about a month in, as i wasn’t entirely happy with what we were doing

cut off contact with him for ~4 months because i needed to move on and couldn’t, if I continued to have him in my life (esp. bc we continued to talk and kept having Moments like running into each other during nights out and sitting together to talk about the moon and him making me take his jacket because i was cold……………>>)

he didn’t stop reaching out even despite being ignored (way later, I asked him why, as he’d seen me ghost hookups over the summer and told me that he’d never speak to me if i treated him as such–and he’d said, “it didn’t matter that you weren’t responding; I knew that you were reading/opening them, and that’s all I needed. I wasn’t going to give up on you”

he sent me this big text in the early morning hours of new year’s day, which we talked about a little before I ended contact again, refusing to think about it and confuse my heart even more

after getting back to school for spring semester, after winter break, we ran into each other at the bar that first weekend and were catching up, when we were yelled at by our respective friends “are you going to date him? no? then why are you talking to him” “stay away from her”

meeting up to clear the air between us even despite the fact that it was between our friends and both of us were okay with each other, still caring for and respecting each other

that “clearing the air” turning into an end to liz’s no-contact rule, her stupidly thinking that maybe it had been so hard because she’d lost him as a friend and missed his presence, and that maybe having him platonically in her life would help the move-on process

getting to a point where Boy asked to watch a movie and hanging out again for the first time…….platonically sleeping over in his room, in his bed, afterwards, being happy with the Friendship and thinking that everything was Back To Normal

realizing just how much I played myself when, the very next day, I was being chatted up by some guy and I asked him to come get me before saying no, that’s unfair, and taking it back, but him getting there in record time, regardless, and walking back with him in the rain, apologizing to him over and over again for doing that to him, him telling me firmly not to apologize, that he’s there for anything, anytime i need him…….and us arguing about me walking back to my house vs. sleeping over in his room and him breathing out and saying, “I know it’s a bad idea…..but I really want to kiss you right now”

and the rest is fuckin history your girl played herself r i p

so much for “in short” i am so sorry for the ramble (believe it or not this is the short version) but agh thank you so, so much for your support bb I appreciate it immensely–thank you, thank you, thank you xx

[ayeletinthemountains]

2020 in Mountains

I’m not saying anything new when I say 2020 sucked in many ways. Now that I’ve gotten the required acknowledgement of 2020 as a total disaster out of the way, I can get to documenting and appreciating what I was able to experience this year. This post is long because I was able to take three months off in between jobs, which featured many adventures, and it also goes over the many life changes I made as a result of COVID which have very much affected my mountain activities.

Winter

I started off the year leaving my job on January 2nd and jumping into enjoying three months off before starting my new job. How I got so incredibly lucky with the timing (getting to freely travel the last 3 months before the pandemic took over the world??), I’ll never know. I am so thankful for it, so glad I took advantage, and really just take it as an affirmation that you need to enjoy life instead of working 24/7. You never know when a global pandemic will happen and throw all your plans in the trash.

I spent the first part of winter driving around California, Utah, and a little bit of Colorado, skiing and ice climbing while training for a bigger trip to Ecuador. I love these open-ended mountain days where you just do whatever sport is best for the conditions. I went to Ouray for the first time, and I really enjoyed the ice park. I look forward to going back someday and hopefully hopping on a route or two in the backcountry as well.

My natural belay habitat.

Ecuador

The biggest part of my 3 months off was a trip to Ecuador. I had been itching to get some high altitude experience to prepare for objectives like Denali. I ended up going to Ecuador simply because it was the right season to go there, but it did not disappoint at all. For once I did a guided trip because, a) I had no partner readily available (having only signed up for the trip maybe 8 weeks before?), and b) I wanted to treat myself to not having to figure out logistics in a foreign country for once. I went with the company Alpine Ascents, and they definitely have the trip well-dialed. Every accommodation we stayed at was plush (we stayed at a high altitude hot spring resort as part of acclimatization, best acclimatization ever), the food was delicious, and the guides were kind, knowledgeable, and all around great. In particular, Jose Luis Peralvo, the head guide, was such a pleasure to be around. He is an incredibly experienced guide (300+ Cotopaxi ascents, 3 Everest ascents), super encouraging (I promised him I’d lead some pitches on El Cap when someday Leo and I climb Lurking Fear), very patient, and so good-natured. I would love to climb with him again (Antisana someday??).

On this trip, we attempted to climb three high altitude peaks: Cayambe (18,996′), Cotopaxi (19,347′), and Chimborazo (20,564′), in that order. With my previous altitude record being Mont Blanc (15,777′), these would each be new records for me. The conditions on the first climb, Cayambe, were challenging. We found ourselves in a damp cloud layer that covered us all in a thin layer of ice. I was shocked how slow I was moving, which was hugely demotivating. I made the mistake of letting my mittens get frozen from the moisture of the cloud. When one of the guides suggested we turn around at about 17,500’, I reluctantly agreed and felt very down on myself the whole way down. But with no vis (and thus no views), miserable conditions, and challenges with the altitude, I think it was the right choice. At the time I felt very down on high altitude mountaineering and wasn’t sure it was for me. It really is hard knowing you’re moving so slowly compared to your normal experience in the mountains. Thankfully, the next summit attempt, two days later, went much better. On Cotopaxi we had perfect weather, and my acclimatization was starting to kick in. I was still moving very slowly, but found myself able to keep going (though I also did collapse on the summit). This summit hugely lifted my spirits and made me feel like I just needed to give my body more time to acclimate. This felt especially true when on the last summit, Chimborazo (over 1000’ taller than Cotopaxi), I was the fastest client in the group. Cotopaxi track. Chimborazo track.

Now I feel prepared mentally for my next high altitude trip, whenever it may be. I know that my body can acclimate, it just needs the time to do so and I need to be patient.

I would go back to Ecuador in a heartbeat. The mountains are beautiful, the food is delicious, the people are kind. While I would not typically travel somewhere to climb a peak a second time by the same route, I’d climb Cotopaxi again without a doubt. It’s one of the most beautiful mountains I’ve ever been on. I keep telling Leo someday we’ll do an Ecuador trip to climb Cotopaxi (and stay at Tambopaxi again, of course), and an ice route on Antisana (hopefully with Jose Luis!).

At the end of my Alpine Ascents trip, I took advantage of the fact that I was unemployed and in Ecuador and spent a week in the Galapagos on a cruise that visits many different islands. This was far from the normal type of trip I take (I didn’t climb a single mountain!), but I loved it. The hype is real: the Galapagos is a very special place.

After returning from Ecuador, I stepped back into winter in the Western US. Since February had been incredibly dry in the Sierra, I took the change to climb some peaks on my list in the Eastern Sierra: Thor Peak in the Whitney Zone (track), and Cartago Peak (track), my first peak from 395. Winter decided to return immediately after, which made for some fun skiing.

Fairy Meadows

The last thing I did before starting my new job was a hut ski trip in Canada. I had managed to convince Leo, Becca, Lita, and Nikhil to all sign up for a trip to the Bill Putnam Hut in Fairy Meadows in BC. Being a good enough skier to make the money spent on a hut trip worth it had been a dream of mine since I learned to ski, watching my sister Dafna go on these types of trips every year. I’m probably right on the edge of being a good enough skier… But I made it work. We had 7 days of blue skies and sun, letting us ski all over the area. It was my first time really skiing glaciated terrain, which was a great experience, and I summited a few peaks as well! Most notably Adamant Mountain, which is very challenging to do in the winter due to avy conditions. Sadly, for this one, I retraced my steps down the bootpack with my skis on my back since I was too nervous about skiing this no-fall terrain above open crevasses, but it was still a great experience. All in all it was a great trip with good friends in an extraordinary place.

This trip was March 14th to 21st, so it happened very much while the whole world was shutting down. I had hemmed and hawed constantly in the lead up to it, feeling very anxious about whether we should just cancel and whether we’d be able to get back into the US. In the end, I decided to drive instead of fly, to reduce contact with others and still be able to get back to the US should all the flights be canceled. In retrospect, I think it was a pretty risky choice, but I’m also glad I went since “nothing bad happened”. We ended up being the last trip to the hut before they canceled the rest of the season, so there were of course many jokes about how they should just fly us in some food on the helicopter and we’d just stay there to wait out the pandemic, what a dream! (How foolish we were to think this might be over relatively quickly). It was definitely surreal coming back to the hut everyday and sending out InReach messages to learn what had changed in the world while we had been out skiing. I drove from Rodgers Pass to Seattle on March 21st, spending the night at Lita’s (since we had been on the trip together anyways), before making the rest of the drive back to San Francisco the next day and sitting on my couch for a week waiting for my new job to start. That week I stayed home, Tahoe got incredible powder and it was so hard to sit it out, but it was the right thing to do given the circumstances.

The next few months, like most people, I basically stayed home, trying to run for fitness while we cooked a lot, took on new hobbies (gardening for me, sourdough for Leo), and grew our home gym equipment.

Summer into Fall

As summer approached and we learned that the danger of contracting COVID was much less severe outdoors, I finally started to venture outside. My first forays were tagging some OGUL peaks in Tahoe, and I definitely learned I had lost some hiking fitness. But it was great to finally be back in the mountains, tagging random summits with no people around. This also helped get my legs back into hiking shape for what became a great summer.

Our close friends Marco and Daiyi had been in Mammoth since the pandemic began, seeking out more open spaces to be outside during the pandemic. They decided they wanted to make it permanent and asked us early on in the pandemic if we’d want to move in with them in Mammoth. Leo and I initially said no, because so many small towns were begging people to stay away and not bring the virus. But as things changed over the next 3 months, we came around to the idea. It took some persuasion, but I finally convinced Leo we should just go for it. Housing is incredibly difficult to come by in Mammoth, but Daiyi was diligent and able to find a house for us all to rent together, starting July 1st.

Leo and I did not move in until mid-July because of the big thing in Leo’s life: meniscus surgery. It had taken his doctors months to diagnose he had torn his meniscus the previous November, preventing him from running at all or skiing confidently. He had surgery in early June and wanted to stay local in the bay area for his follow up appointments six weeks post-op. Leo was understandably less excited about moving to Mammoth since he would be recovering from surgery and wouldn’t get to recreate as much. I was much more pessimistic (or, what ended up being correct) about the pandemic, and thought we’d still be in Mammoth by the time he was more mobile, and so we moved! We gave up our apartment in San Francisco and went all in on our Mammoth lease.

I had wanted to try living in the mountains ever since we finished our six month van trip in 2017, and we finally found the time to make it happen without any repercussions to our careers. Now that we’ve been here for seven months, we both love it and have no interest in returning to the city anytime soon.

So, living in Mammoth, I removed 13+ hours of driving from every weekend of my life and found myself so much closer to many of the peaks I’d been wanting to climb. Our first weekend in Mammoth, we tackled Dragon Peak out of Onion Valley which ended up being a very fun scramble. This was the first of many “Mammoth to Mammoth” adventures!

When Ariel is dressed in all of your clothes so you think she is you in every picture. :D

Some of the other highlights from my summer season included:

Red Slate Mountain: I’d been saving this to climb via the couloir, but decided to finally just go for it in summer in light of the fatal accident that happened the previous year. This was my first outing with Mica, Daiyi and Marco’s dog, and she killed it! I have to say, getting to watch whatever funny things a dog does on a hike makes it so much more entertaining and joyful. This was another Mammoth to Mammoth one, which is just such a treat to sleep in your own bed and still have a full day in the mountains. It was also the second of many peaks I climbed with Daiyi, and it became such a joy to do these slogs with my roommate that brings her own stoke! Rafee was there too. :) Hi Rafee! And Brice and Sadie joined for the first third, with two dogs as well! The red colors of this area are so pretty – an excellent way to start our new life in Mammoth. Track

Sleepy dingo on the summit.

Tunnabora Peak and Mount Carillon: These are two fun peaks in the Whitney Zone and just, wow, I was able to do a casual weekend trip to the Whitney Zone! In my previous life, driving all the way to Lone Pine was a big ordeal – something I could only do maybe once or twice a season. And here I was solo on a random Saturday to just climb some peaks. It ended up being a gorgeous day on two fun summits with a swim in the highest named lake in California! Track

Mount Goethe: This was a fun scramble (albeit with a long approach). The scramble from Alpine Col was really enjoyable with some fun exposure. And I got to do this on a Sunday and not get home at an absurd hour! A good day out with Rafee. Track

Mount Thompson: Another fun scramble with Rafee. The ridge from Ski Mountaineers Peak to the summit looked pretty nuts and like it would not go, but sure enough there was a way. Also, this was less than 15 mi and 4000 ft. Always a treat to find an SPS I have left that is relatively short! Track

When Rafee doesn’t know what to do with his hands on the summit.

Mount Warren: Honestly, this peak is not very enticing and is really just a talus slog in the summer. But what made it special was it was my first peak just Mica and me! It took a peak that would typically be one you’re just trying to cross off to being pretty entertaining watching the dingo run up and down the talus endlessly. And we found a few snow patches which she loved, which are hilarious to watch her roll around in. It was so exciting to see that she stuck with me and came when I called her. Thanks for the company, Mica! Track

The only thing Mica loves more than playing in a snowpatch is eating a squirrel.

Bloody Mountain: Another peak that isn’t notable in the summer, but it was Leo’s first off trail hike post-knee surgery, and he did it in honor of my 100th SPS! It was nice to finally get back into the mountains with him :) especially for this exciting occasion. Track

The only time I’ve carried more gear than Leo! Thankfully, he did not get used to it.

Disappointment Peak: Perhaps my biggest individual day of the summer in terms of hours? A year prior, I had finally promised myself 2020 would be the year I join some days of the Sierra Challenge. But then the pandemic happened and I felt less stoked on trying to spend time with new folks. This was the one day I decided to join (largely because I was most excited about the opportunity for this peak). However, due to chance of thunderstorms and my not being Bob Burd speed, we started before the rest of the group and didn’t connect much with them, sadly. Regardless, this was a challenging yet excellent peak. Heading up the snowfield to the ridge was a bit thought provoking since I hadn’t spent time in crampons in months, and the scramble below the ridge had challenging route-finding. It felt really good to be able to cross this one off, one of the harder peaks on the SPS list. Track

Mount Davis: My biggest self-sandbag of the summer. When you expect a peak to be about 20 mi round trip but it’s actually 27... woops! Daiyi joined me for this peak along with her friend Phil that was visiting. They had planned on a backpacking trip, but canceled due to smoke. I convinced them to join me on this peak in Ansel Adams Wilderness, and they were great sports when it ended up being more than 30% longer than expected with endless talus… Always fun to get to visit Thousand Island Lake though! We had planned to meet Leo (who was building up his on-trail hiking mileage) at Thousand Island and hike back out together, but we were about 5 hours behind him due to my poor planning… Always learning! Track

Such good sports even though I totally sandbagged them!

Labor Day Peaks Extravaganza! Center Peak, Caltech Peak, Mount Ericsson, Mount Stanford: After doing a smattering of peaks over Labor Day weekend the year before, I was excited to do something similar this year – taking the opportunity to get pretty far into the backcountry. Luckily, Daiyi was also interested in a trip like this! The only requirement was that we include Caltech Peak on the list, since Daiyi had attempted it as her first ever backpacking trip with Caltech classmates (though they didn’t end up summiting). We entered over University Pass (my first time up it), taking the wrong chute down the other side and losing a lot of time due to our mistake. From there, we did a carry over of Center Peak, camping at the last lake before Forester Pass. We had also hoped to climb Junction Peak that day and camp on the other side of Forester Pass, but knew that was aggressive. We woke early the next morning, headed over the pass, and did a carryover of Caltech Peak. This was actually a lovely scramble, with interesting route finding down the other side. From there, we headed over to Harrison Pass where we got to drop our packs for the first time. We did the scramble up Mount Ericsson, which was also quite fun and interesting. We headed back to Harrison Pass, where Daiyi opted to sit out the last peak of the day, Mount Stanford. I found this scramble to be spookier and looser than I was expecting and almost bailed, but managed to add this last summit. This brought me to three remote SPS in one day! All the while, smoke had been creeping in from the Castle Fire down in southern SEKI. I got back to the packs maybe an hour before dark, and Daiyi and I descended Harrison Pass to the basin to the north, finding a nice campsite near a lake. Pro tip: there is no longer a trail at Harrison Pass, despite what maps may show, which we learned the hard way. :( We were worried about the smoke, thinking there was a good chance we’d hike out in the morning and cut our trip short. When we woke, the smoke did indeed seem worse, so we called the trip and headed cross country to the north past Deerhorn for many miles until we finally hit the JMT. We learned via InReach on the hike out a new fire (what was actually the enormous Creek Fire) had started the previous day and the smoke at home in Mammoth was insane. When we crested Kearsarge Pass on our hike out, we were hit with an even thicker wall of smoke. It was absurd to see folks having campfires back at the Onion Valley Campground. While the horrible fires cut our trip short, what we did accomplish was beyond fun, and I was so glad we got out on a challenging trip before the forests closed for the next two months. Track 1, Track 2, Track 3

Mount Hitchcock: Once the Creek Fire finally got some snow on it and the forests opened up, there were several good weekends for getting into the high country (albeit very cold!). I again went to the Whitney Zone, this time with Rafee, Sarah, and Peter (who I hadn’t seen all summer!). It felt so good to be back in the Sierra. This peak itself wasn’t a particularly interesting climb, but this area is just so gorgeous that it was still worthwhile. There were a good amount of people taking the trail up Whitney, of course, so it’s always funny when they ask you about your plans to summit when you’re talking about totally different mountains. Track

Summit social distancing, lolz.

Mount McAdie: My last real peak of the year, before more substantial snows came (though it was hike-in-your-puffy cold). I was happy to take advantage of Kavya’s tendonitis from climbing, so she was looking to hike! Despite having been in the Whitney Zone not too long before, it was still nice to be back. I though the scramble up McAdie was nice, in a lovely position. I can’t wait to go back for Irvine! Track

Climbing

I didn’t do as much alpine climbing this year because Leo is my main alpine climbing partner and he was healing up from surgery. With the gyms closed, I was still determined though to not let my arms totally atrophy, which meant I climbed outside a lot (well, a lot for me). I led a lot more than I have in past years (again, not saying much, but I’ll take it!), and I’m excited to keep working on it, even though it’s not my primary sport. Going to the local spots in Mammoth in the summer was really nice on weekdays, and then as we moved into fall and winter, Owen’s River Gorge has been a great place to get some mileage in. I don’t hate cragging as much when I just think of it as an alternative to the gym. :D And it’s important to keep climbing so I’m prepared for the climbing goals I’d like to accomplish this year now that Leo is back in action!

Training

With finding myself having far less expenses moving to Mammoth and no longer having a gym membership, I decided to take the plunge and hire a mountain coach via Uphill Athlete in July. It’s hard for me to measure the gains since I haven’t had a full summer season with a lot of training under my belt, but it has been a huge help in keeping me motivated and actually exercising nearly every day. Not to mention that before I could hardly get myself to do strength workouts or stretching, but now, since they’re on the schedule that I’m paying for, I do them. I’m feeling good and motivated, and I’m excited to see the dividends the training will hopefully have this coming summer.

Everything else

Moving to Mammoth has been such a joy, and I am so thankful to be here. I am so thankful that I am employed at all, and that I can work easily from an amazing place like this. I had been wanting to try moving to the mountains for a number of years, and I’m so grateful for this opportunity (even though it did come in such an awful way). 2020 definitely affirmed that life is short and I need to seek out the things I love; it had been so silly to delay all this time. People always ask if we’re here permanently, and I have no clue. I just know that we’re here for now, and it’s the place I want to be most right now. So we’re signing another year-long lease, and we’ll go from there.

What did I check off my list from last year?

Here I’m pulling my list of goals from last year seeing how I fared:

Making more mountain friends – well, there was a pandemic. I get a pass on this one 🙅‍♀️

Ecuador peaks – I climbed 2/3! I’ll take it ✅

Training for Ecuador, and continue training for the future – hell yeah I did this! ✅

Getting better at skiing – I did this a bit, but the end of the season was cut short due to the pandemic 🤷‍♀️

Spending some days at the Sierra Challenge – I did one day! Again, pass due to the pandemic. Will need to do at least two days this coming year :) 🤷‍♀️

Clyde Minaret via the 5.8 50 Classic – Did not do, saving this to do with Leo who was broken 🤷‍♀️

Lone Pine Peak via the North Ridge – Same as the previous 🤷‍♀️

Split Mountain (my last CA 14er) – The trailhead was closed due to a fire the previous year, so I let it go 🤷‍♀️

Boundary Peak – I didn’t do this and have no excuse. Now I live one hour from the trailhead! 🙅‍♀️

Reaching 100 peaks on the SPS list – I did this and then some. Ended the year at 113 ✅

A potential Orizaba trip over the winter holidays! – Haha, another COVID loss 🤷‍♀️

….maybe a big wall with Leo – Had been thinking about this in the fall, and then we had the Creek Fire, sigh 🤷‍♀️

Not a great showing on my goals for the year, but 2020 was about rolling with the punches. Pretty happy with what I got to do instead, all things considered.

Things I’m excited about in 2021

Keep training. Gotta stick with it

Keep getting better at skiing. I live in Mammoth. There are no excuses

An Alaska trip in the summer for some big peaks :)

Clyde Minaret & Lone Pine Peak with Leo. Now his knee is fixed so no excuses

Red Dihedral on the Hulk. This the easiest classic route on the Hulk, and I’d like to give it a go as my big rock climbing goal for the summer. Leo loves this place so much, so I’d like to experience it

Lurking Fear, or a different big wall with Leo. Probably in the fall. Another carry over from 2020

Tower Peak with Leo and his Dad, running a good amount of it! This would be a 35 mi day

30 SPS this year! I turn 30 this year, so 30 SPS is the goal :)

[bucky-smiles]

Just Let Me Explain

Throwback to season 6 when JJ had to declare that Emily was dead except in my version, it’s going to be the reader declaring Emily dead. I know that I am in no way original with this concept so I’m going to make it original and say that the reader and Spencer are already in a relationship when this happens. This entire thing is going to range from the moment of declaration to the case in Oklahoma when Reid is being the passive aggressive bean that he is. 

I didn’t realize how long this was, sorry. It legit took my two hours and once I started typing, I just lost all track of time. Also don’t get mad at me for this thing bc it’s highkey just ajdfrenfhncghalf if you get what I mean. It’s two in the morning soooooo. I think Hotch is slightly OOC in this but he’s barely mentioned so it cancels out :3

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Reader

Warnings: Emily’s death, angst, mentions of drug use, mentions of blood

I hope y’all enjoy my second one shot :)

(I couldn’t find that gif of him doing the whole ‘watchu gon do about it’ gesture to JJ so enjoy this cute thing. GIF CREDS TO THE OWNER :))

You knew this was wrong. 

Right away when Hotch came to you with the orders, you knew that this wasn’t going to end well. But when you and Spencer had first got together 8 months ago, you both swore that your relationship wouldn’t get in the way of work and Hotch was using that to make sure you did exactly as you were ordered. So of course, being the perfect agent that you are, you put on your sad look and let your eyes well up with tears as you entered the waiting room where your team, including your boyfriend, sat. They all rose at the sight of you and Spencer immediately knew that something was wrong, “Y/N?” His voice was quiet as he waited for you to deliver the news. 

You cleared your throat a little as you glanced at him and then at the rest of the team, “She never made it off the table.” You couldn’t give yourself away and you knew that. So you never kept your eyes in one place for too long, you observed and felt guilt at seeing how everyone believed you. It broke your heart to see the tears and reaction of your team- your family. But a job was a job and you knew that. 

When Spencer made a move for the door, you instinctively grabbed him arm with a gentle touch, “Spence...” You couldn’t say more.. You knew that your voice would betray you if you did. Your heart nearly shattered upon hearing his next words.

“I never got a chance to say goodbye.”

You let out a quiet breath and pulled the man you love close to you. It was a way to comfort him over the ‘loss’ of a friend and a way to assuage your growing guilt. You didn’t sign up to see your boyfriend break down... That wasn’t part of the job description. 

When the two of you arrived to the apartment you both share, you had an arm around his waist as a sign of support and when you let go to close the apartment door behind you, Spencer left your grasp and moved to the bathroom, locking the door behind him. A small sigh escaped your lips as you followed behind him. Seeing him like this was pure torture and as of now, you’d do anything to make him feel better. 

A Few Weeks Later: 

“I just.. If we’d been quicker to find her, she’d probably still be alive right now.” 

You angle your head so that you’re looking at Spencer. It’d been a few weeks since the lie had been told and the guilt had yet to go away. Spencer still had so much regret in his heart and was coming up with all of these situations in which she would’ve survived. They usually always came up when the two of you were in bed. Tonight was no different and seeing him like this made you want to tell him everything, but you made Hotch a promise and telling him could compromise Emily’s situation. You lean onto your side, propping yourself up on one elbow while using your free hand to cup his cheek, “Don’t do that to yourself, Spencer.. What happened happened and no what if situation can bring her back.. No matter how much we want it.” You remained as quiet as you could, your voice not going above a quiet tone. You tried being comforting but all you could hear was your guilt and that gave you a feeling that had you sick to your stomach. 

“I miss her so much, Y/N. Every time we go into the office and pass by her portrait I-” He cuts himself off, his voice breaking at the end as he begins crying once more. 

You lay down again, bringing him to your chest as you hug him tightly. You were crying too because seeing him like his tore you apart piece by piece. “I miss her too, Spence.” You tried comforting him the best you could, whispering quiet nothings into his ear, rubbing his back gently, letting him soak your nightshirt with his tears. Eventually, he fell asleep but you were there wide awake, wondering what you’d gotten yourself into and how this was going to change everything once the truth came out. 

Everyday when the two of you entered the  BAU building, you’d both stop in front of her portrait and have a quiet moment. You could feel the judgement coming from Emily’s eyes as you watched her unmoving face. Time would pass and you’d take Spencer’s hand, leading him to the Bullpen before pressing a gentle kiss to his cheek and going to your own desk. You’d offer small smiles to your team members and when case debriefing would happen, you’d be sure to sit by Spencer and hold his hand under the table. The guilt had slowly began going away. The special trick was repeating a phrase like a mantra until you believed it, Emily is dead and whatever you’re doing is for the sake of the team. They’ll understand if the truth ever comes out. Oh, if only you were right. 

The Reveal:

You were walking down the hallway when Hotch approached you. His beard was still a look you were getting used to and you offered a small smile to him as he approached you. 10 weeks and your guilt had transformed into a dull throb that you’d gotten used to over time. The circumstances had made the pain more stabbing but nonetheless, you were toughing through it one step at a time. Your small smile dropped, of course, when Hotch told you it was time. 

Time for the reveal. Time for the team to find out they’d been lied to.  Time for them to find out that you lied to them. 

When you stood by Hotch’s side with your hand clasped behind your back, you kept your eyes trained straight ahead. Never once did you look at any single member of your team. You could feel Spencer’s eyes on you when Hotch was talking and you could practically hear the hurt and betrayal come out of him when the truth was revealed. But of course, that guilt was forgotten when Emily was seen standing at the doorway.

When the hugs and reunion were done, you grabbed Spencer’s hand, holding him in his spot before whispering, “Let me explain, Spence..” He pulled away at your words, going to the seat in between of JJ and Derek. You gulped a little, swallowing your tears as you sat at the opposite side of the table, glancing at him on occasion with the hope that he’d look at you.

It didn’t work. 

The two of you worked the rest of the case involving Declan and Doyle like you did any other, but it wasn’t the same because Spencer only interacted with you when absolutely necessary. 

It hurt.  It hurt a lot. But you pushed through it for the sake of the child whose life was in danger. 

Sadly, like when all cases end, the two of you went home. Spencer had left the building only moments before you, but by the time you reached the parking garage, he’d driven right past you without even glancing at you. Thankfully, you were able to get a ride with Emily who dropped you off home. When you entered the apartment, the lights were out and you slowly made your way to your’s and Spencer’s bedroom. He wasn’t there. Quickly, you pulled out your phone and texted JJ to ask if she had any knowledge of his whereabouts. 

Y/N: Is he with you?

JJ: Yeah, he’s here. He brought his go-bag and it’s packed for quite a bit of time. 

The text caused tears to well up in your eyes and you quickly typed out a response,

Y/N: Take care of him, please.. 

JJ: I’ve got him, don’t worry. 

You accepted what you had and proceeded to prepare for bed. It was hard to get to sleep, but cuddling with one of Spencer’s pillows gave you the comfort you needed and helped you get a couple of hours. 

The Oklahoma Case:

Working with Spencer the past couple of days has been hell. 

You take the bus to work and you always try to initiate some sort of conversation with him. But he ignores you and simply brushes past you to get to his desk. When Garcia was doing the briefing of the latest case, you took the seat by him and he simply moved from his current seat to a different, open one. You let your head hang in shame for a few minutes, calming down before looking up at Garcia expectantly. 

On the jet, you sat by Emily who was obviously trying to make you feel better. She felt some guilt to because the problems that were occurring were partially because of her. You made her promise not to blame herself and when Hotch paired you and Spencer to go to the abduction site, you wanted to melt into your seat. 

The tension between you two was so thick at the abduction site that it could’ve been cut through with a knife. Any suggestion you had was immediately met by a passive aggressive comment from Spencer. 

Spencer started off as the two of you approached the bus stop, “So, Beth got off the bus here and headed northwest toward class.” He let his hands do part of the talking as he pointed towards the bus stop and then towards northwest. 

Attempting to be useful, you pitched in, “It’s amazing that no one saw her abduction.”

Reid simply shrugged and spoke with a high level of bitterness in his tone, “Emily was buried six feet under and wound up in Paris, so I guess anything is possible, right?” You stiffened slightly, “Spencer you’ve got to let me ex-”

He cut you off as you tried defending yourself, “You know, maybe our UnSub's a little bit like Bundy and he feigned an injury in order to get her to help him.”

You began speaking again but before one syllable had escaped you lips, Spencer cut you off again, “Maybe he tried another tactic. and was like, ‘Wow, you're really pretty. You should be a model. I can take your photo.’”

You didn’t say anything after that. You simply let him talk out his ideas while watching him with a look of both attentiveness and guilt. 

At the station, you finally sucked it up and tried explaining yourself in the office, “Spencer I had to do my job.” You could hear your voice breaking as you began and Spencer was quick to shoot you down.

“Yeah and you did a great job at that. Was it easy? Hm, Y/N? Was it easy for you to lie to me every second that we were together? I cried into your chest for 10 weeks! 10 weeks and you gave me all of that comfort.. Was that a lie too?”

Your eyes widen at that accusation and you’re quick to shake your head, “What?! Of course not, Spence! I love you and every moment I was lying to you was nothing but torture to me! Most of my tears were over what this was doing to you, not that Emily had left us!” 

You’d grabbed his arms while you spoke, desperate for him to understand you.. But he was quick to pull away, “How can I know that that wasn’t a lie, hm? It’s all you’ve done for the past 10 weeks. What if I started taking dilaudid again, hm?”

At the mention of the drug that’d nearly ruined Spencer’s life, you stiffened before proceeding to speak with a hesitant tone, “But you didn’t... Right?”

He scoffed a little, shaking his head as he backed out of the room, “No.. But I thought about it.” He walked out before you could apologize and you felt the waterworks coming through. 

After the Case:

Thankfully, you didn’t cry when Spencer had left the room. You simply put on a strong face and worked the case like you did any other. You could hear Hotch trying to stand up for you to fix whatever’d happened, but you knew it wasn’t going to work. You thought the same thing when Emily approached Spencer on the plane. Spencer’s back was to you and you were sitting on the opposite end of the plane so you couldn’t figure out what he was saying. Eventually, you gave up at figuring anything out and turned back to your lengthy book, letting your eyes move over each word one by one... You weren’t comprehending anything but the fact that you were doing something helped calm you down. 

At Rossi’s house, you didn’t expect him to show up. You were only there for the wine, if you were being completely honest. Truthfully, you’d given up hope that Spencer would forgive you. The thought of him being mad at you made your heart throb so you simply focused all of your energy on watching Rossi as he cooked. When the doorbell rung, you felt your heart drop into your chest. Emily greeted Reid as did the rest of the team but you kept your back to him. Rossi was about to continue when Spencer interrupted once again, “Actually, before you resume, I was wondering if I could talk to Y/N? Alone?” 

You felt eyes on you and you simply set down your wine glass. He was going to break up with you officially, you knew it. You offered Prentiss a weak smile as you turned to Spencer, “Lead the way, Spencer..” You followed behind him as he took you a couple of hallways down. You braced yourself for what was to come next, keeping your gaze on your feet. To say that you were shocked when Spencer lifted your face by the chin would be an understatement. 

“I’m so sorry, Y/N.. I was mad and I didn’t mean half of the things that I was saying,” Spencer’s voice is filled with regret as he speaks, his eyes searching yours for any form of negative reaction. Your reaction was simply priceless as you wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him down for a tight hug. 

“I deserved, it Spencer. I should be the one apologizing to you..” He simply returned your hug tightly, pressing a few gentle kisses to the top of your head as he did. 

“I love you, Y/N Y/L/N” Was all he mumbled quietly to you and you smiled brightly, whispering the same thing back. 

Of course it was Rossi that had to kill your moment, “Are you two lovebirds done there or do we have to continue this without you?” 

[createdbyangels]

“C”

**Disclaimer - I can’t give details about C’s story, history or current situation.  We are contractually bound to maintain his privacy and intend to do so.  But this story is something I want to remember the details of because it could have only been crafted by God himself.  So there will be lots of letters used in place of names or other details I can’t share.  But this is a record of this story for our family to have in the future because it still seems hard to believe sometimes.

The week of December 9th was our first “back to normal” week, coming off the heels of a 4 week track out, Corbin’s birthday, Thanksgiving at Grandmom’s and our week at Disney.  Our foster license was approved 11/18 but we knew that with everything we had coming up in the next few weeks we wouldn’t even be considering a placement until at least December.  We actually got a very interesting placement email the Thursday we were at Animal Kingdom (our last Disney day) but of course I didn’t see it until late that night (after 7pm) and James and I were not even close to being in a state of mind to have a conversation about it until the next day in the car.  We decided we might be interested and I emailed our placement specialist.  She said she would let them know we were interested but she was pretty sure they had been placed already.  I felt....disappointed.  It was a sibling set in our age range it seemed like we could have been a good fit.  Several days later (the beginning of the next week I think) we got another placement email but it wasn’t something we could handle.

In the mean time, we have some friends at church who have become GREAT friends over the past year.  We didn’t realize until after we started getting to know each other that they had actually been licensed through the same agency we used months before we were.  They have teenage kids and are fostering teens - and are a general wealth of parenting knowledge along with being all around wonderful people.  And since it is hard to understand the journey of fostering if you haven’t been through the work that goes into it, we talk often about how we are feeling and what is going on.  M called me early in the week of December 9th to talk to me about a placement they were working on.  She would be visiting for the weekend (they’d met her once before) and our friends were excited about the potential.  The circumstances were different this time than they had been in past placements.  We talked for a while about what it would look like, expectations for the weekend and the fact that T had a brother who was also trying to be matched.  M asked what our age range was and when I told her “3-9″ nothing else was said.  I had a very small moment where I felt like I should offer to host the brother (even though he was out of our range) because he needed somewhere to go but I decided against it.  It might be weird to insert myself into their family’s journey and I didn’t know anything about this kid.  And he is 11 which is way older than our range anyway. So we wrapped up our call with promises to pray and keep each other in the loop.  And we knew we’d see each other Sunday at church and I’d get to meet T.

So Sunday 12/15 we got to see each other and I briefly met T since she was with our friends.  They’d had a good weekend and I found out that things hadn’t gone as well for the brother.  He’d met a few families but it wasn’t looking like they’d found a great fit.  But the siblings had to be moved to a new placement ASAP and they were relocating them to be near an older sister who was adopted a few years ago and is currently in the greater Raleigh area.

Monday 12/16 I was beginning to feel “back to normal” after all the trips and reentry from the trips.  I dropped everyone off at school and came home prepared to spend several hours working.  It was my favorite day of the year...Savannah’s school had extended hours as a “parent shopping day” so I didn’t have to pick her up until 2:30!! (Usually Monday pick up is 1:15 after kidokinetics and W/F are 12:30).  So I get to my desk and there is an email from our specialist.  Asking if we’d be interested in a “temporary placement” for a boy who we might be somewhat familiar with because our friends are taking his sister.

So, now we have been officially added to the mix.  I just stared at the screen for a minute and as I was typing a text to James I got one from him.  “You see the email?”  So I called him.  And told him everything I knew (which I hadn’t done before then because honestly, I assumed he wouldn’t care and things had been shared in confidence by my friend on the phone the week before).  James had hesitations.  There was still a family that might be interesting in taking him but they “didn’t want to move too quickly”so they weren’t ready for him to move in yet.  But it was time for him to move somewhere.  So maybe we’d just be a stop over while he visited and got to know the other family.  That seemed too risky to James.  He didn’t want to be another disappointment in C’s story.  Another failed placement.  And, he is a 6th grader.  Not even on our radar.  But everything I knew made me very insistent that it was our time.  We would frame it as, “We are getting you to the area to be close to your sisters and make it easier to find your forever home”  I had a long conversation with our placement specialist about that concern and how I wanted to be sure to talk about it.  She was on board.  At that point they said he might be arriving tomorrow.  As in, 24 hours from that initial conversation.  I called my friend and told her what was happening.  She was shocked that we’d been looped in.  And that we’d said yes.  Then she told me that T wasn’t coming until Wednesday bc that was the soonest they could be ready for her so we shouldn’t expect C until then either.  I couldn’t focus on anything else that day.  There was suddenly so much to do.  So many loose ends to tie up.  A mattress topper so the bed was more comfortable. Matching Christmas jammies since the rest of the family had them already (those came from our kindness elf so don’t mention that part of the story to the kids until they are older).  I had just THE NIGHT BEFORE gotten us tickets to a Carolina Hurricanes game in January (using Corbin’s 2 free tickets through a school reading program) so I called all the people and found a seat in the row directly behind us.so James could sit right behind us and we could all go.  We talked to the kids about what was going on and they were SO EXCITED. I honestly have no idea what happened on Tuesday.  On Wednesday I met my life group at church to help with something and then picked S up from school.  We ran one more last minute errand and then we came home to wait.

C arrived with his social worker shortly after 2pm.  He was shy and nervous but luckily Savannah is neither of those things and launched right into making him feel at home.  He’d made an ornament for our Christmas tree.  I talked to the worker for a while and then she drove away and left me fully in charge.  We played basketball for a while after showing him around the house.  When Corbin got home he was eating a sandwich.  They smiled at each other and within an hour it was like they’d know each other forever.

We went to Chick Fil A for dinner (C’s request) that night and James met us there from work.  He ended up having to turn around and go back to work that night before C’s bedtime.  C and I played a game until he got home and we tucked him in for the first time.  I distinctly remember trying to figure out what it must feel like to be 11 years old and suddenly living in a totally new place with new people and new everything.  And kind of being a professional at doing that. I couldn’t fathom it and it made me so so sad.

He had a good night sleep and the next day we were off to the races - an awards ceremony at Corbin’s school, meetings with social workers and our licensing specialist (that happened at James’s property so my dad actually got to meet C on day 2 because he was there doing a set up) and the workers bringing the rest of C’s stuff.  A LOT of stuff.  and SO. MANY. CHRISTMAS. PRESENTS.  They were concerned he wouldn’t get much at his previous placement so they really overcompensated and sent him approximately 2-3 Christmases worth of stuff.

I had a great friend in the neighborhood come over before Christmas and help me go through, open and sort the gifts to make it more manageable.  Friday he came with me to Savannah’s Christmas program at preschool.  He moved to the aisle so he could see better during their songs.  Things flowed easier than I expected.  The boys couldn’t wait for the weekend so Corbin would be home for a week and a half on Christmas break.  And boy do they have a good time together.

Now to some of the crazy things.  We found out that the family who adopted the oldest sister is friend’s with our pastor.  They go way back.  So even though all 3 siblings are placed with different families there is a tie that runs through all 3 of us.

Also - C came to us on 12/18.  Exactly one month after we got our license.  And crazier still, exactly ONE YEAR to the day from the day my leg pain moved from something annoying to something that I thought was really a problem,  I’ve said many times that I think God literally laid me out so I could understand that I’m not in control and even if I stop spinning all the plates, the world will keep turning. AND exactly one year TO THE DAY from the day I went with Pam to see “Instant Family” in the theater and told her, the first person I said it out loud to, that James and I had officially made the decision to look into adoption through foster care.  I spoke the words to someone after seeing a movie on the topic and 365 days later, C arrived.  

There are some crazy connections regarding his legal name that I obviously can’t share but they are enough to give you pause for sure.

Here is a story I shared on FB on Christmas:

Several weeks ago I went and bought "Santa wrapping paper" (2 rolls per kid for some reason) and stashed it in the back of the closet. I pulled it out yesterday and my heart skipped a beat when I realized that one of the rolls was Snoopy driving Santa's sleigh. It was meant for Corbin but I'm not sure why I picked it since neither of my kids are very interested in Charlie Brown. C LOVES Snoopy. He has several stuffed animals he sleeps with and his night light is even Snoopy. He has proclaimed his love more than once over the past week.  And one of the presents we unwrapped in the stash the social workers brought was a giant box of Nerds (one of the novelty ones) with grape and strawberry nerds.  A day or 2 before opening that package, I was laying on Corbin’s bed with the boys reading before bed.  They were acting a fool (per the norm) and I called them nerds.  They laughed and laughed and said, “Are you gonna eat us!?”  I pointed to them one at a time and said, “You’re strawberry and you’re grape”  And then I find the box.  That box came from me to them on Christmas.  They thought it was hilarious. No one can convince me that God didn't know long before we did that we'd have an extra stocking to fill this Christmas. I am so grateful for His perfect timing and faithfulness.

I saw that oldest sibling’s family had shared their story with a local church congregation during their Christmas service.  We had friends over for Christmas dinner who go to one of the campuses.  I asked if they’d heard the story or seen “these people” and they said, “YES!” They told me some of the story the family had shared (a story I already knew) and then said, “We wondered what happened to the other sister and brother she mentioned”.  My response?  “The brother.  He is upstairs” 

It keeps happening.  Please understand this wasn’t a local placement.  These kids came from a few hours away.  But the story continues to be woven together in a way that can only be explained by God.

It is day 16 and C started middle school today.  He was a lot more emotional than I thought he would be and it broke my heart.  I spent the day worried about him.  He came home smiling though.

The kids regularly and freely talk about how C should live here forever.  Our agency won’t start those conversations for at least 6 months.  We are all open but James and I are being careful about what we say.  16 days feels like a lot.  But it obviously is not.  To say this is a MAJOR decision is an understatement.  So, we continue to take it one day at a time and wait to see what God will do next.

[borgevino]

aforementioned processing post. extremely long

this is an attempt to make sense of the timing of the alfred series of events. since it’s been so unremittingly awful and i’d really like to track it from the beginning.

dramatis personae (names changed)

my team: samuel (lead, great, v similar to me), irina (instructional associate (IA) like me, love her), dave (another IA, isn’t quite on the same wavelength as the rest of us bc he doesn’t know us like we knew each other already but a good guy nonetheless)

other team: alfred (lead, already doesn’t get along with samuel, they try to get along but it doesn’t work), matthew (also a full instructor, tries very hard but in the wrong direction, a cat who needs herding), zachary (an IA, one of my former classmates)

calvin & lev: TAs, former classmates

chris & betsy: managers

Mar 8

alfred wants to know if I’ll be his IA

Mar 14-15

I spend some time going back & forth about the IA position

Initial interview

convo with samuel about TA vs IA. samuel “if you want my advice, TA, this would give you the chance to debug and always be coding while you have the daytime to work on applications etc”

talked to irina about what the team would look like

Mar 16

interview with chris

talked with samuel about lectures & so on. he wasn’t sure if id be on his team but chris was pretty sure

alfred forwards me a job posting that one of his recruiters sent him, I have to let him know that I’m taking the IA job with GA

Mar 20 - 26 – planning week

starts off well

couple of times throughout the week there are some warning signs, most notably alfred asking me to come and teach responsive design

in fact alfred asked a couple of times for us to go in and teach some lectures in their class without offering to come in and teach with us at all

another iffy moment was that alfred was out both thurs and fri

zachary started stressing out around this time also

my team was all set with planning and so on but theirs was much less settled in any kind of real way

we planned our schedule, we sent it to zachary, zachary passed it on to alfred

overheard alfred say on a remote call with zachary and matthew that they had to “be careful” copying what ada cohort was doing

alfred still seemed obsessed with the idea of collaboration

samuel gets stuck on installfest concept for a couple days

i get stuck on assessment concept for a couple days

Mar 27 - Apr 2 – week 1

student from alfred’s class asked on the first day to be switched to our class, which sort of immediately set the tone for the rest of the course. said she liked our vibe better and liked samuel’s teaching style.

samuel & i discussed it some on tues

samuel: But, it was very validating in a way to see that our fears that we share were picked up on after we literally just said a 5 minute hello. We have an awesome team and it just sucks that I think we all basically refuse to work with the other side.

me: & i have some thoughts abt the other thing as well (we can discuss) but i think it boils down to, our definition of working together & theirs are pretty different (wrt the time involvement required, the purpose behind collaboration, etc.). i’d be fine to work with them if it was on our terms but idt it would be

alfred mentions on tues that he’d like to meet more frequently, sets up a meeting for wed. samuel is not into the idea as one of the things samuel was hoping for from the course was less time in meetings

samuel very stressed wed for no particular reason

“is it ok if i add alfred to our gh.” on thurs

strong talk with samuel on tues or wed about him not taking on too much. eventually did have an effect

Wed meeting with other team to discuss possibility of collaboration. consensus seemed to be one lecture from us over to them and a couple of morning exercises.

thurs morning, alfred says ‘that’s not what i agreed to’ when it clearly was what he had agreed to

alfred: Hey samuel, we’ll get back to you. I want to see how we can all contribute to this for both cohorts. In the meantime can you guys send us the timeslots that we can key into our course tracker for the guest lectures. I need this asap, as I will have to share this with various parties.

samuel: alfred, this is not what we discussed yesterday. I thought we were going to let unit one take it’s course and have j do the planning lesson. And then we’d take a look at unit 2 soon.

matthew: I know we discussed both options and i think the agreement was that for Unit 1 we would begin to cross pollinate with morning exercises for now and for Unit 2 we would discuss where instructors could find opportunities to reteach topics as that approach worked really well last time around

alfred: That’s not what I agreed to. The expectation is to share on all units. For example, if the wire framing is happening In unit 1, I want it to be done in unit 1 and any other lessons that we can all benefit from.

samuel: Yes I agree with matthew, morning exercises and he wireframing.

i taught thurs all day, then went out for drinks with the team, then met with matthew to discuss how i’d done the css lecture, then hung out with friend for a couple of hours

thurs during lunch had walk in the park with samuel where he talked a lot about the situation with alfred. notable: “I have to not lose my cool. …. how do i do that????”

thurs night samuel has the realization that he’s trying to do too much & needs to delegate more, irina & i rejoice. it’s a momentous and great occasion.

during friday internal meeting samuel metnions that he thinks what alfred is doing to him is gaslighting. irina and i sit in the back of the classroom after lunch and nod with strong emphasis along to a psychology today article on gaslighting.

we all four go out for drinks and talk some shit and it’s good.

brief HM reunion; samuel gets to meet ryn; ryn, mimi, jen, & i go out for drinks

Apr 3 - 9 – week 2

talked with calvin & lev for about half an hour after the building closed. theyve noticed that alfred is never around and doesn’t help his students, and that zachary looks totally miserable a lot of the time

zachary is miserable for most of the week, we get lunch on monday and discuss. alfred is reading over his shoulder with messages and shit, sees him trying to send a message to chris about the situation, tells zachary that he should go to him (alfred) first with those types of concerns

i find out that alfred & matthew aren’t grading any homeworks, theyre letting zachary do all of it. and having calvin & lev help out. since they have two instructors compared to one IA this really is not how the work load should balance out

i gave a strong talk about not copying about homework

one of the higher-ups asks me to mentor one of the students in alfred’s class. “maybe she’ll lighten up on matthew and alfred if she gets to talk to J more often” is what i gather the reasoning is.

somewhere in here i have a weird meeting with alfred and zachary for a couple hours to discuss the saturn homework. originally it was meant to be just zachary & i but alfred decided he wanted to sit in and follow along.

becoming clearer and clearer that alfred’s goal is not “help out the students” but “do as little work as possible”.

at some point in this week also i say something along the lines of “we would be happy to collaborate if it were on our terms but it won’t be on our terms so we can’t.” samuel thinks this is extremely correct and mentions the term “rules of engagement”

Apr 10 - 16 – week 3

Tues drama: irina teaches in other classroom, is left on her own to handle unfamiliar students. samuel righteously furious

samuel: Hey fellow instructors/IAs. One of my class’s IAs gave a lecture in your class today. Excellent. While I’m fully confident that she was able to handle it on her own 100%, without a doubt, I’m also very annoyed that she was left completely alone during that lecture. As in, she didn’t even have an IA there in case she needed help during a lab. Moving forward I want to be 100% clear. Under no circumstances will that happen again. I really want everyone’s lives to be less stressful during units 2, 3, and 4, but I’ve made it a point that in my class, I, as an IL, am present for every moment of every lecture. Which is to say, if my amazing colleagues are not afforded the same consideration in your class, they will no longer be guest lecturing there. And this is not because they are IAs. When I, as an IL, am lecturing, I have back-up. So they, deserve it. that scenario honestly boggles my damn mind… as if we didnt insist that IAs were present during our lectures….

matthew: we only meant to step out for few minutes to finalize the project prompt which we needed to deliver immediately after the afternoon lectures and it took a bit longer than expected. That being said I do agree that IA’s should have support at this stage during their lectures and we will make sure that one of our team remains behind to support them…

alfred: Also, a couple of house rules: Lets make sure proper communication and behavior is practiced on this channel. Be respectful and treat individuals the way you would want to be treated. If there are any concerns/confusion, feel free to reach out, but use your judgement on best course of action and tone. Let’s make this pleasant..

samuel & i discussion about it wednesday night

samuel: Was my.message about the not support for irina too abrasive. I think the “damn mind” part went too far. But otherwise did I cross a line in your opinion. I ha EA to work on that and honestly I sent all that when I was wasted lol

me: i genuinely don’t think so, it was strongly worded but you made yourself very clear. and considering the fact that it REALLY shouldn’t have happened i thought the tone was appropriate. might have gone over better in person? is the only thing

matthew seems on verge of quitting

we plan unit 2 and send it to alfred & co. alfred & co intentionally arrange their next unit so that there’s no chance we can collaborate

this is a direct about-face from their previous attitude for no reason??

i help a couple students from their cohort and then tell samuel about it

me: i helped a couple hypatia students

samuel: oooh. you have to be careful about that. if alfred sees you he will be pissed

samuel is not wrong because i did actually check out the floor before i went and helped the students to check and make sure alfred wasn’t going to find me talking to his students but also i hate this concept so much

this is the point whereupon i decide i really cant deal with it

[just-seheun]

bye 2017, hey 2018

I feel like I always get around to writing an end of the year post on tumblr even if i never really even get to use this site during the year.

well I guess it’s that time of the year (or new year I should say) where I try and look back as well as look forward.

let’s see what happened in 2017...

- let’s say, for one, ‘Murica as a whole kinda went through a lot of bullshit (still is honestly) - we’re getting rid of DACA, the tax cut bill was passed (holla @ the rich 10% and say bye to the other 90%), we’re slowly trying to get rid of/fuck up the EPA despite climate change being very real (if category 4-5 hurricanes occurring back to back is what we’d call “real”), and ya know just the firing of members of the HIV/AIDS awareness and prevention council in the government - to name a few (not to mention, continued police brutality, racial discrimination/injustice (tbh just racism as a whole), and dumb ass fucking people who - ugh 

well, moving on to maybe more lighthearted moments...

- I tried to infiltrate the Asian community a little more with (mixed, mostly unsuccessful) efforts. Idk man I tried. I think I did make stronger relationships with the Asian friends I started out with so, I think that’s definitely a major plus. (*insert thumbs up here*)

- also, kinda along with that one, I think I dived into more adventurous food/hangout spots in terms of finding kinda Asian hubs and places I vibe with (an accomplishment of last year too that I think worked and flourished even more in 2017). 

- Kind of cooled down with the whole going out scene. I still go out occasionally and have a pretty good time but it’s definitely dwindled down. We definitely started the year going out more but like I said, definitely calmed down a lot. 

- Went to my first Terp Thon FTK! Started my TTPT journey with the 1 million dollar year - pretty crazy and amazing. It was truly and unreal experience for all those kids and wouldn’t have changed it for anything. Super sad I won’t be there for Terp Thon 2018 though. 

- oh! successfully (kinda) resurrected my GPA from a sad 2.7 (result of getting a 1.7 from failing calc2 and getting a D in bio) to a nice and solid 3.23 which I am tbh very proud of. A 3.8 and 3.88 (technically straight As - woo hooooo) these last two semesters - yay! Just also improving in school as a whole. I’m really starting to enjoy what I’m doing. yeah, spring ‘17 sem was more chill and fall ‘17 sem was more like hell but, overall I’m pretty excited about the work and studies I get to do. (like hell as in 3 2900-3200-word papers in the span of like 2 weeks) 

- Another academic thing, I added Art History (officially) as a Double Major which probably means a winter term here or there but still very exciting. I also feel like I’ve really learned a lot about the fundamentals of art history that I really felt like I was missing this whole time. Just like the basic timeline of movements and key artists from Burgundian Netherlands to Venice to Rococo to Realism to Cubism (and all its various forms) to Der Blauer Reiter to Contemporary and everything in between. All cool stuff - definitely makes you pay attention more to dates and stuff when visiting galleries and museums and just makes me feel more in the know if nothing else. 

- Again, another academic thing, I’m officially in the English Honors Program - woo hoo! This does, however, mean I’ll be writing a 25-page thesis but honestly it’ll be fine, I’m fine, it’s all fine... I mean I don’t really know what I’m gonna write about and I have to skype my professor for like 2 months in the summer but hey, it’s all good and if it’s not I’ll just figure it out (*insert nervous sheepish grin here*)

- Kind of started the process of cutting off 아빠 which take that with a grain of salt. It’s a mess tbh, I don’t even know what to say honestly. 

- Finally left Slaveway for good. It really tbh started becoming too much of a risk and just uncomfortable for me to stay. Not an awful job (despite the shit customers a lot of the time) but I just couldn’t stay longer.

- I feel like there was also definitely a more solidifying of sustained relationships and a distancing in others. I don’t know definitely still a lot just up in the air and a lot of familiar faces but a lot of new things and stronger bonds in 2017. 

(now, post looking at my snapchat memories from the year and realizing how much shit I did this year... lol)

- I went to 2 concerts (kinda); one being 2 Chainz and all of the many acts that came before him at Art Attack 2017 and the other being Khalid’s bomb American Teen Tour concert at the Filmore that I initially just went to because Sam wanted to go and Anh had an extra ticket that ended up being real lit. 

- Had like a little fame after writing an Odyssey Online article about Moco which was kinda cool and kinda ridiculous lol. I also just stopped writing for them all together after like less than one sem rip. 

- Also realizing I went to a lot of really cool exhibits and art-related things this past year which I’m really happy about actually. Yayoi Kusama’s exhibit was crazy amazing and well worth the wait. Artec house was really cool and just visiting the NGA, the PMA, the Hirshorn, the Freer/Sackler with a fresh and more knowledgeable outlook was really nice. Also starting those solo museum trips during the sem was really nice no matter how short-lived they were. 

Honestly this year was very different from 2016 in many many ways. I think there’s been a lot more growth in this past year but I and the community around me definitely went through a lot. 

- Something I realized this past year in unfortunate circumstances, was the prevalence of loss and losing individuals close to your community. I never thought things like death, loss, grief, and suicide were things that I would ever come across (let alone, this often) at this age. We really did lose a lot of young lives that were filled with so much potential and hope this past year especially in this community, including an old classmate. Things that we always thought to be intangible and far away landed right in front of us and I don’t think a lot of us including myself still know how to grasp all of that. It’s hard to see the people around you, the ones you grew up with and always had by your side whether you knew them well or not, lead such a tragic fate. This year made us think about mental health more and more. You realize in the most unfortunate circumstances that everyone has there own demons that they’re fighting. No one is free from them. Even in regards to Jonghyun, it affects everyone in the darkest of ways. 

This past year really made me think more about how fragile life truly is. I’ve dealt with and still deal with my own demons and the dark thoughts of my past and truly wonder especially in light of all the tragic events from this past year, what things would be like. It would be a lie if I said that they didn’t make me wonder about past thoughts of my own more. 

I think it’s sad to think that even as I wonder about all this, I still feel empty about it in the midst of being unable to process it all. I feel like in a way, whether as a result from school distracting me and my own self protecting or shielding itself, I’ve grown numb. I feel like my own mind is trying to avoid emotions at all cost in a way that’s pushing away emotion and problems by just not dealing with them (which by no means is the right way to deal with things at all bc you’re not dealing with anything). I don’t know, I guess I’m getting by and I’m not as broody as I was in the past but I wouldn’t say I’ve improved, I’ve just kind of paused in a way I guess. 

I want to end this post with a brighter look toward the future though. I think 2018 has a lot of potential waiting to happen with lots of things to look forward to that I think should be highlighted in this post. After all, a new year means moving forward, not burying your past necessarily but, using the past to cast light on the future. 

So with that, things to look forward to in 2018...

- First things first, STUDY ABROAD IN ROME for Spring ‘18 sem! I mean it doesn’t get more exciting and new than this honestly. Yes, I am super stressed and there’s so much stuff to do besides the fact that I’m paranoid and don’t know what to expect at all. I’ve never traveled abroad in my life, let alone lived away from home (ever) so this is just gonna be absolutely nuts tbh. I have lots of hopes though. Do I want a fairytale, movie-like experience? Lowkey, of course. But I also try to be a harsh realist when I can so, we’re staying generally tame about our study abroad fantasies lol. Still, I’m hoping this will be a chance to make new friends and hopefully make some of them in my art history classes as well as in the school in general. It’s been a hard few years in the whole making friends department seeing as how all my past roommates are very antisocial. Yes, I myself am also very much like this but that doesn’t mean my internal self doesn’t want a lot of friends lol. I’m excited to take a class with Evelyn and just experience the city while hopefully staying safe and smart. It’ll be a crazy and hopefully amazing semester with a lot of travel and just a lot of fun before my senior year. I could go on and on about all my thoughts and hopes for this coming semester but, I’ll just leave it at that (your girl really needs to sort her life out/figure out what to pack/pack/schedule the rest of my home excursions/get her documents together/everything else. Bottom line: we’re a mess lol.

- Hopefully a summer internship. Forreal forreal like actually. Your girl was stuck at safeway again this past year and we’re not having that shit again. Nope nuh-uh, not happening. Not this year mm mm, no. We’re gonna find one. We have to - it’s gonna happen. Trust and believe. Trust and believe! 

- Also turning 21 this year (although, this probs won’t be exciting seeing as how I’ll be legal all semester while I’m abroad, then come home and be nonlegal for another like 2 months and then be legal again). Look, I’m just looking forward to getting mimosas and going to bars without memorizing random identity information from Illinois. 

- Also 2018 is really gonna be a year for me to REALLY think about me. In all contexts, really. Academically; figuring out what it is I really want from my education and working toward making the most out of it, finding a real path for myself in terms of grad school and other things school-related. Lifewise; gauging how I’m going to continue my life. Graduation is coming faster than I can think and by this time next year, I’ll be gearing up for my last semester as an undergrad. That is so wild. 2018 is really gonna be me trying to buckle down, I suppose. Trying to cloud out my peers and their success/failures/paths and really try to hone in on myself. It’ll be a challenge but we’ve got to start somewhere, right?

All in all a lot was thrown onto the table in 2017 in a lot of different ways. It’s been a different kind of roller-coaster with much much more to come after this year (my favorite number year really, 2017). 2018 will be a test of time and one of the biggest challenges but, also hopefully a year with a lot of hope and potential for success. Wishing everyone the brightest new year with health, opportunities, growth, and burgeoning happiness! Cheers to all 2018 has to offer all of us and to all the things 2017 gave us! 

[turnoffthestars]

3, 7, 12, 21, 39, 77, 94

3. Do you really think there is somebody for everybody?

Yes and no. I think it would be more accurate to say there could be someone for everybody if that’s what they wanted. There’s like almost 8 billion people on the planet, like we can’t even comprehend what that actually means in terms of the variety of all the different kinds of people who are out there. Just through sheer statistics alone, every person should be able to find somebody who fits with them. Multiple somebodies, if we’re getting specific. I don’t believe in the whole fairytale “one true love” thing, I think there’s any number of people out there we could be happy with, it’s just about like timing and if we find them.

7. Are you in love? Do you want to be?

I don’t think I’m in love yet. I definitely have some pretty strong feelings for this person I’ve been seeing, but I don’t think I’m in love with them yet. Which is good, and kind of intentional. I’m really not trying to jump into another relationship immediately, I like the slow burn vibes that we have going on. They make me really happy and they make me laugh a lot and I’m really comfortable with them, I trust them a lot and they make me feel safe. But I’m not trying to fall in love with them quickly at all, especially since they’re gray romantic and I don’t want them to feel pressured into feeling any kind of way for me. I’m fine with this taking however much time it takes. Do I want to be in love? Well, I like being in love. But I don’t need to be right now. I like feeling like the person I fall for really truly deserves it and like understands what a big thing that is for me, like it really takes somebody special for me to feel that way for them. I don’t think I was ever in love with my ex, so it’s been years since I’ve been in love and I feel like enough time has passed for me to be emotionally ready for it, but I don’t want to rush it, and I am a little worried that me falling in love with this person I’m seeing is going to make things complicated bc I don’t know if they’ll ever feel the same way for me. And right now, things with them are good. The dynamic we have currently feels good and makes me happy, so I really don’t want to fuck that up.

12. Do you have the feeling you’ve lost something you might have had in another life- whether it be a person, a place, a world, a language, etc?

This kind of leads into a longer thing for me. Short answer, yes, but not in a way that feels personal. It’s kind of part of my belief system. I just think that happens every lifetime to people and it’s normal.

21. Do you have somebody, whether it be a friend or a stranger, who you think you could have loved if the circumstances were different?

Oh yeah totally. A bunch of people. My friend Kevin and I have discussed on a number of occasions that if we were both into people of our respective genders, we’d probably already be a couple, but we’re not, so we’re just best friends. A lot of my closer friends are like that. It would have been easier if I could have been romantically interested in a bunch of my closer friends, but it just didn’t happen that way and that’s okay too.

39. Do you know what you want out of life?

Vaguely, yeah. I like surprises and adventures so I’d never want my life to be too planned out in advanced or I’d be bored and have to change something anyway. But currently, I wanna make it out of poverty, like live comfortably enough where I don’t have to count every penny and I don’t have to stress about whether or not I’ll have enough money to cover all my bills. I’d like to really do something with my music and my writing, like something that feels to me significant and important. And I want somebody to love who plans to stay with me. I’m open to poly and all that, I’m not really dead set on things having to look one specific way, but I am, at heart, a big softhearted baby and I need to have somebody to give all this love to. But I’ve also realized lately that I create from the same place that my love comes from, so I need whoever I fall in love with to not ask me to give all of myself to them, because I know myself well enough to know if they ask me, I’ll give it, and that leaves me with nothing for myself and nothing to create from, which makes me unhappy.

77. Is there comedy in all tragedy and tragedy in all comedy?

Well yeah, absolutely. Nuiance is a big part of what makes both those concepts succeed and be meaningful. I think things are rarely ever just one thing, and if comedy and tragedy were ever just comedy or just tragedy, I think they’d lack depth. Everything is kind of connected by nature, that’s just how it be.

94. How would you describe yourself when you love? Do you love forcefully, unconditionally, gently, quietly, desperately?

Uh lmao that’s a question. Kind of a big answer. I’ve recently been kind of redefining how I see myself. I’ve finally closed the book on enough of my childhood trauma to be able to evaluate myself for the kind of person I am in spite of it. I’m a really loving person to begin with, baseline. I’m gonna assume this question is about romantic love and I’ll skip the other details to try to save some space. I think unconditional romantic love is unhealthy. I’ve been abused by someone who I tried to love romantically and unconditionally and it’s just too easy for that to turn unhealthy. You need to put conditions on it. Not conditions like “do these things or I won’t love you” but conditionally like love by itself can’t be the only reason you’re with someone. If someone doesn’t treat you the way you want to be treated, with respect, with support, with kindness, that love can’t be a reason to stay. I had to learn the hard way that just because you love somebody doesn’t mean that’s enough of a reason to stay, and that doesn’t mean you should excuse poor treatment just because you love them and you want to exemplify that whole “unconditional love” thing. It’s a recipe for abuse. When I love somebody, I love with my whole self. It’s deep and colorful. It’s baseline warm like sitting in front of a fireplace under a blanket with someone else and a cup of tea during a nighttime winter storm. It’s gentle but fierce. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for someone I love, and I’m glad to do whatever I can for them. It can be big and dynamic, romantic, dramatic. I love doing grand gestures and stuff like that, to whatever standard the person in question is comfortable with. It inspires my art, whether I tell them about it or not. I love with all of me until there’s too much of it for me to hold, and then I take that extra and make something immortal with it. Music, art, some part of a story. Repeatedly telling someone how much you love them doesn’t show the true depth of feeling enough to be satisfactory to me. If I love you, I’m going to paint the world with it. Few things last forever, but if I love you to the point where I’m willing to risk getting hurt AGAIN after three failed engagements, I’m going to make something with it that will last, so even if the relationship doesn’t last, the beauty of that love will remain immortalized so even when it’s just a memory, you can still see the colors of it and remember how real it was. If I love you, I’m going to make something beautiful with that love and I’m going to show it to you, and even if the rest of the world doesn’t know it was for you, I will and you will, and that’s enough for me.

[douchebagbrainwaves]

PEOPLE JUST IGNORE THAT—OR WORSE, IT'S HAPPENING

The route for the ambitious in that sort of environment is to join one and climb to the top. Raphael so pervaded mid-nineteenth century taste that almost anyone who tried to draw was imitating him, often at several removes. That's even rarer. In the third century BC Archimedes won by doing that. I haven't had to yet. They were all terrible. I believe all have either closed a round or are likely to soon. They could take everyone and keep just the good ones. A lot of the same things we said at the last two. Investors will probably find they do better when deprived of this crutch anyway.1 Facebook didn't, and they've done better than most startups.

Good design is often daring. And you know what? One reason is that to make Leonardo you need more than his innate ability. If the tests a society uses are currently hackable, we can study the way people beat them and try to plug the holes. Why do they do it? In some cases we may have to wait for startups to have traction before they put in significant money. Startups can be irresponsible and release version 1s that are light enough to evolve.2

Including, I hope, the problem that has afflicted so many previous communities: being ruined by growth. As a kid I had what I thought was a huge fleet of toy cars, but they'd be dwarfed by the number of startups in this country, at least to yourself, I could have thought of that. Actually we're the opposite: incubators exert more control than ordinary VCs, and we haven't yet evolved ways to protect ourselves from them. My vote is they're a bad idea. When oil paint replaced tempera in the fifteenth century. They want to get rich, but they may not always be true.3 Fortunately I discovered that when a startup needed to talk to corp dev when they're either doing really well, you can pick a time when you're not in the middle about some of the books.4 Though of course forbidding bad behavior does tend to keep away bad people, because they didn't have materials or power sources light enough the Wrights' engine weighed 152 lbs.5 Facebook didn't, and they've done better than most startups. Are meanness and success are inversely correlated. Why?

In the US this process still shows many outward signs of corruption. Ramen profitability is the least obvious but may be the most powerful forces in a startup depends mainly on how smart and energetic you are, and much less on how old you are or how much business experience you have. Good design is often slightly funny. Have one person talk.6 And it certainly doesn't matter how many of them there are, any more than we'd expect naive solutions for keeping heroin out of a prison to work.7 The aim is not simply to make a lot more people investing tens or hundreds of thousands than millions. If investors get too involved, they smother one of the things the internet has shown us is how mean people can be. If I spent half the day loitering on University Ave, I'd notice. It's good to talk about the needs of people you know personally, like your friends or siblings. Another sign of user need is when people pay a lot for something.8

Raphael so pervaded mid-nineteenth century taste that almost anyone who tried to draw was imitating him, often at several removes. In Florida, which Bush ultimately won 52-47, exit polls ought to be very hard to contain parents' efforts to obtain an unfair advantage for their kids.9 You feel this when you start to examine the question, it's surprising how much different fields' ideas of beauty have in common. Exception: If one of the founders is not competitors but investors. Most founders who get contacted by corp dev already know what it means. Whereas if you can choose when you raise money, you can pick a time when one failed to do something weird at first. Google, presented at some point to investors who didn't get it and turned them down. You don't have to interrupt working on the company isn't. In the big angel rounds that increasingly compete with series A rounds, the investors won't take as much equity as VCs do now.10 The biggest constraint on the number of startups in this country is a policy that would cost practically nothing. Comments have much more effect on new comments than submissions have on new submissions.

The government could not do better than to piggyback on their expertise, and use investment by recognized startup investors as the test of whether a company was a real startup. And this illustrates another advantage of investing over hiring: our relationship with them is way better than it would be a good thing. Don't worry if your company is just a few months old.11 It's a crowded market, I remember one founder saying worriedly.12 In some cases we may have to wait for startups to have traction before they put in significant money. I were a boss making people work this hard. If you're ramen profitable, you're already avoiding these mistakes. The good things in a community site can do is attract the kind of people who could start a startup do. Chasing hot deals doesn't make investors choose better; it just makes them feel better about their choices.13 One forgets it's owned by a private company.14

However, that doesn't mean you should talk like some kind of zenlike detachment from material things.15 And now I have both an additional reason to crack down on it, and that would cost nothing: establish a new class of visa for startup founders. There's still debate about whether this was because of the Bubble, or because they saw a movie star with one in a magazine, or because they're a bad idea. Don't be Evil? Startups and yuppies entered the American conceptual vocabulary roughly simultaneously in the late twentieth century. Aiming at timelessness is a way to evade the grip of fashion. In short, the disasters this summer were just the usual childhood diseases.

Notes

I realized that without the methodological implications. The shift in power from investors to founders is exaggerated now because it's a hip flask. Thought experiment: set aside a chunk of time, default to some abstract notion of fairness or randomly, in one where life was tougher, the increasing complacency of managements. Com.

One YC founder told me they do the opposite way from the creation of wealth to study, because such companies need huge numbers of users to recruit manually—is probably a bad imitation of a running back doesn't translate to soccer. The real decline seems to be clear in our own, like selflessness, might come from.

Throw in the cupboard, but half comes from ads on other sites. It doesn't take a lesson from the CIA runs a venture fund called In-Q-Tel that is more efficient: the energy they emit encourages other ambitious people, instead of crawling back repentant at the mercy of circumstances: court decisions striking down state anti-takeover laws, they seem like I overstated the case of journalists, someone else to lend to, but I managed to screw up twice at the mercy of circumstances: court decisions striking down state anti-dilution provisions, even though you don't have the balls to ask, what that means the investment community will tend to use some bad word multiple times. This trend is one that we wrote in verse. For example, will be maximally profitable when each employee is paid in proportion to the writing of literary theorists.

According to Michael Lind, when politicians tried to shift back. Which in turn is why it's such a low valuation, or one near the door. Where Do College English Departments Come From?

You can get very emotional. If they're on the x axis and returns on the software business, and tax rates will tend to be redeveloped as a result a lot better to make a lot of investors started offering investment automatically to every startup we had to bounce back. There are circumstances where this is a significant number. Incidentally, this phenomenon myself: hotel unions are responsible for more of it.

Then it's up to his time was 700,000 legitimate emails. Many famous works of anthropology.

This is one of his first acts as president, and the fucking fleas. These false positive rate is 10%, moving to Monaco would only give you such a low valuation, that all metaphysics between Aristotle and 1783 had been Boylston Professor of Rhetoric at Harvard is significantly better than having twice as fast is better than their lifetime value, don't even want to get all the free OSes first—A Spam Classification Organization Program. There was one in a place where few succeed is hardly free.

We could be overcome by changing the shape of the next year they worked. Those investors probably thought they'd been living in cities.

Those groups never have that glazed over look. At first literature took a back seat to philology, which means you're being gratuitously troublesome.

If all the red counties. They hoped they were friendlier to developers than Apple is now. Now the misunderstood artist is a bit more complicated, because time seems to have lunch at the fabulous Oren's Hummus. If they really mean, in the twentieth century.

That you're not convinced that what you're doing is almost always bullshit. We thought software was all that value, counting users as active when they're on the side of being absorbed by the surface similarities.

This of course some uncertainty about how the courses they took might look to an associate cold-emailing a startup, and are paid a flat rate regardless of how hard it is certainly an important relationship between the Daddy Model, hard to predict areas where Apple will be interesting to consider behaving the opposite. The Sub-Zero 690, one of the things we focus on their utility function for money. The 1/50th of a press hit, but even there people tend to say that a their applicants come from meditating in an equity round.

Realizing that much to maintain their percentage.

This seems unlikely that every fast-growing startup gets on the Daddy Model may be that the angels are no false negatives. They'll have a different idea of happiness from many older societies. I never get as deeply into subjects as I make it harder for you, they have zero ability to solve a lot about how to appeal to investors. This is actually a computer.

Give the founders. In retrospect, we love big juicy lumbar disc herniations, but explain that's what they give it back. Financing a startup. The original version of everything was called the option pool as well.

Thanks to Steve Huffman, Dan Bloomberg, Ben Horowitz, and Trevor Blackwell for sharing their expertise on this topic.