the first moment I realized what friendship was, I was fourteen. I was back from my first of many doctors appointments. I found a picture of twin lava lamps that lit up into brilliant colors when the other one was tapped.
I showed the picture to my friend.
“I’d buy this for us,” I say. “You’d always know when I was thinking of you.” I don’t want to be alone.
“YES!” She said, laughing. “I would grab it at three am and you’d have to stare at it instead of sleeping! Everything would be purple and blue and you wouldn’t have a chance.”
“I haven’t been sleeping at three am,” I said. I had been lying awake, waiting for the panic attack.
“I know,” she said. “I know. That’s why I’d do it.”
we looked at each other. oh, I thought. oh. so that’s what it is. it’s lava lamps. it’s the darkness fading into blue and purple promises. it’s noticing. it’s love under the guise of annoyance.
I don’t want to be alone.
you aren’t. not anymore.
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Words to describe facial expressions
Absent: preoccupied
Agonized: as if in pain or tormented
Alluring: attractive, in the sense of arousing desire
Appealing: attractive, in the sense of encouraging goodwill and/or interest
Beatific: blissful
Black: angry or sad, or hostile
Bleak: hopeless
Blinking: surprise, or lack of concern
Blithe: carefree, lighthearted, or heedlessly indifferent
Brooding: anxious and gloomy
Bug eyed: frightened or surprised
Chagrined: humiliated or disappointed
Cheeky: cocky, insolent
Cheerless: sad
Choleric: hot-tempered, irate
Darkly: with depressed or malevolent feelings
Deadpan: expressionless, to conceal emotion or heighten humor
Despondent: depressed or discouraged
Doleful: sad or afflicted
Dour: stern or obstinate
Dreamy: distracted by daydreaming or fantasizing
Ecstatic: delighted or entranced
Faint: cowardly, weak, or barely perceptible
Fixed: concentrated or immobile
Gazing: staring intently
Glancing: staring briefly as if curious but evasive
Glazed: expressionless due to fatigue or confusion
Grim: fatalistic or pessimistic
Grave: serious, expressing emotion due to loss or sadness
Haunted: frightened, worried, or guilty
Hopeless: depressed by a lack of encouragement or optimism
Hostile: aggressively angry, intimidating, or resistant
Hunted: tense as if worried about pursuit
Jeering: insulting or mocking
Languid: lazy or weak
Leering: sexually suggestive
Mild: easygoing
Mischievous: annoyingly or maliciously playful
Pained: affected with discomfort or pain
Peering: with curiosity or suspicion
Peeved: annoyed
Pleading: seeking apology or assistance
Quizzical: questioning or confused
Radiant: bright, happy
Sanguine: bloodthirsty, confident
Sardonic: mocking
Sour: unpleasant
Sullen: resentful
Vacant: blank or stupid looking
Wan: pale, sickly
Wary: cautious or cunning
Wide eyed: frightened or surprised
Withering: devastating
Wrathful: indignant or vengeful
Wry: twisted or crooked to express cleverness or a dark or ironic feeling
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