#because i am taking this bitch to get a FUCKing control on my acne

[moreclaypigeons]

started hrt today<3

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

Thursday, April 4th, 2024!

11:06pm: Feeling good and bad what's new.

Cons of life: My sleep schedule is horrendously off. I am dehydrated. My whole body aches from stress tensing my muscles up. My tits are plagued with acne marks right now like really bad sores. Funny as soon as the butt ones are under control now these pop up 🙃. My unibrow is going crazy but I'm afraid to cut my forehead shaving it. I also have a wack diet rn yesterday I basically forgot to eat and today I had a burrito the size of my head and too much take out still bc I'm tired of cleaning the kitchen. I wish this stupid fucker would realize what a POS he's being and leave me tf alone 😒 really fucked up and exhausting to think about. The sleep and dehydration thing are really the worst simply compounding every other problem. Also it's over for today, but being on my period for two weeks really took a toll on my body and stressed me out and now I'm just behind on chores and grocery shopping and things like that because I've had no energy from being anemic and my hormones have been driving me up the wall. Also we all know I hate showering on my period soooo yeah don't really have to explain that further 🫠🥲 my hair is greasy AF and my scalp is itchy. Don't get me started on the financial mess that is May. Mf FAFSA would be messed up the year I need it most 🫠 that's not so bad though just more hoops to jump through that are just hella unnecessary. I really needed to write all this down and get it out of my brain. Tbh I didn't realize how much shit was actually bothering me, I was totally gaslighting myself into thinking I was being a little bitch. There's like a whole dissertation of shit that's bothering me, no wonder I feel so burnt out and run over. I'm fucking drained. I always like to look on the positive side of life but sometimes it's like work to push all this crap aside just for peace of mind. Just boxing this shit up for later (right now when I can't sleep because anxiety). I almost don't want to write a pros list now because it feels so fake lmao. 😂

Pros: This was one of the best weeks I've had in terms of school grades! Hard work pays off. The basics, food, shelter, safety, transportation, have all been accounted for god bless. I have my two good cats. I have a family that loves me. I'm no longer in an abusive gaslighting relationship ❤️ I'm going to the movies tomorrow! Three weeks of school left! (That's actually fucking crazy what??) I am really proud of myself. I'm really glad I don't have to take that remediation exam next Friday! I would throw up. Also I don't have to remediate the OSCE on Monday and I can enjoy the solar eclipse lol. The weekend two weeks from now is going to be crazy fun I just realized ❤️ So much to look forward to, so much to still do is really the vibe.

Tbh I feel so numb it's really hard to make this pros list. And my head really hurts. I love you Jamie keep going. ❤️

11:55pm: I took two aspirin and two Benadryl wish me luck 🫡😴

[rae-is-typing]

Bravery

Description: Your uncle has to pick you up early from school. A case the BAU is working on lands you in a tough situation.

Characters: reader, the BAU, unnamed officers and school staff

Warnings: non consensual groping, fighting, guns, hostage situation, reader shoots someone for self defense, swearing

Word count: 3.6k

“Hotchner!” 

You glance behind you to see the giant teenage boy stomping towards you, fury radiating off of him. He shoves other students aside. Greasy brown hair falls into his face, he doesn’t bother brushing it aside. You roll your eyes, shut your locker, and shoulder your bag. You begin walking away from him, which fuels his self-righteous anger. 

“Look at me when I’m talking to you, dumb bitch!” 

You keep a straight face, and keep walking the busy halls of the school. Students had started parting like the red sea, not wanting to be bulldozed by the titan toddler throwing a fit. A hand grips your shoulder hard, forcibly turning you around. You come face to face with an acne covered, pissed off linebacker. His breath smells like rotten egg so much so you physically gag. 

“Listen here, bitch-” He was cut off by you ramming your knee into his crotch. You rip your shoulder away as he doubles over, clutching his balls. Adjusting your bag with a huff, you whip around and walk away, all the while ignoring the gasps and stares you received in the hallway. 

Twenty minutes later, you’re called to the office. You stand up from your desk, grab your things, and march to the office, ready to fight the principal. 

“Y/N, have a seat.” Mrs. Huffman, one of the three secretaries, says. Her wrinkles are amplified by the fake smile gracing her cracked lips. You give a curt nod, taking the uncomfortable seat closest to the door. You pull your phone out of your back pocket, opening it up, and mindlessly scrolling through twitter.

‘Y/N,” Your vice principal, Mr. Roberts, starts, exasperation seeping into his voice. You look up from your phone to see him beckoning you into his office. You get up and walking into his office, dreading what he’s going to say. 

You sit down in front of his desk, and he takes a seat in his. “Tell me what happened in the hall, Y/N.”

“Tyler grabbed my butt before the period ended. I told him off. The bell rang, I left the classroom. He ran after me and grabbed me again. I kneed him in the crotch so he wouldn’t hurt me.” You explain, unable to keep the underlying anger out of your words.

Mr. Roberts sighs. “You can’t assault other students in the hallway, Y/N.”

“I shouldn’t have defended myself?” 

“You shouldn’t resort to violence.”

“I should’ve let it happen?”

“You should’ve waited for a teacher to get involved-”

“So I should’ve let myself get assaulted by someone twice my size without attempting to get myself out of the situation at all?” You challenge once more, anger rising further. 

“You’re a good kid, Y/N. You’re the top of your class, you have a bright future, and you have a clean record. Don’t throw it away because another student bothered you.” “Being groped is being bothered.” You deadpan, unable to keep the utter shock out of your voice. “Tell me, Mr. Roberts, has anyone ever grabbed your ass without consent?” 

His face hardens at your choice of words. “I’ll let you off with a warning. This won’t go on record. If it happens again, I will suspend you. Your uncle will be here soon to pick you up. You can wait in the office for him.” 

You grab your bag, flinging it over your shoulder while you gave him the nastiest look you could muster. Stomping out of the small subsection, you take your previous seat closest to the door. Your leg bounces up and down, your hands shake, and you’re ready to fist fight someone.

It doesn’t take a long time for Aaron to get to your school. His eyes are hard, so is his face. Rain drops fall from his coat as he marches in like a soldier on a mission into the office. His face doesn’t change when he sees you, and he signs you out without a word. You follow him out to the SUV. It’s stormy, rain pounds the sidewalks, and thunder rolls in the distance. 

The ride to his work is quiet at first, filled with tension so thick it chokes you. 

“I was just defending myself.” You say, eyes locked on the storm in front of you. Aaron’s grip on the wheel tightens, making his knuckles appear white.

“This was the worst possible time, Y/N. I understand that you get annoyed by your peers, but this has to stop.” Aaron tries to make his words even, but exasperation drips off of every letter. 

“He grabbed my ass and was going to attack me in the hallway!” You snap, turning to look at him. “Aren’t you always saying that I need to stand up for myself?”

“Not like that. There are better ways-”

“Like what? Letting myself get harassed and not do anything about?” You cut him off, hands still shaking.

“You’re supposed to get an advisor or teacher when this happens.” “Like they’d do anything. They didn’t do anything when Leah was groped in the middle of the gym. They didn’t do anything when Caleb was shoved into a locker after being beat up. They didn’t-”

“That’s enough, Y/N!” It’s his turn to snap. “You used violence when you knew that is against the school’s policy. I understand that you were put into a rough position, but sometimes you have to let it be.” 

Knowing that Aaron won’t back down, you make a noise of aggravation and sit back against the seat. As soon as he parks the car, you throw open the door and storm to the building, completely ignoring the rain that gets in your eyes and soaks your clothes. 

Security is a breeze to get through; everyone knows you and your bag is almost empty. You’re making your way to the bullpen when someone calls to you. 

“Bambina! Why aren’t you in school?” You turn to see Dave pacing towards you carrying a small tray of coffees. He holds his arms out and you step into them gratefully, and he wraps his free arm around you. “What’s the matter?”

“People fucking suck,” You sigh, embracing the older man. 

“Language, darling. Care to elaborate?” He asks as you pull away. You sigh, willing your hands to finally stop shaking from anger.

“Some dumb guy grabbed my butt at the end of class. He was going to do more in the hall, so I kneed him in the dick so he didn’t.” Dave cringes, placing his hand on your back while you walk at a slower pace to the larger area of the bullpen.

“Something tells me that isn’t everything.”

“Aaron doesn’t think I should’ve resorted to violence.” You say, some frustration returning to your voice.

It’s Dave’s turn to sigh. “Your uncle only wants the best for you, Bambina. Violence is a great way to get kicked out of school.”

“It was self-defense.” You defend. “The school system doesn’t see it that way.” “Yeah, well the system is a piece of-” “Y/N, what are you doing here?” You and Dave spot Penelope and Derek walking into the bullpen at the same time as you. You open your mouth to say something, but Peneolope beats you to the punch. 

“N/N, you look upset.” Penelope gasps, rushing forward, the sound of her heels clicking against the tile floor reverberates throughout the busy bullpen. “Oh, my precious thing, what happened? “This guy grabbed my ass, so I kneed him in the balls, and got excused from school.” You say as she cups your face. This is standard behavior from Penelope, in her words you’re ‘A precious bundle of sunshine that I must protect at any cost because you’re one of the only good things left on this deranged planet.’ 

“I’m sorry, N/N. Are you okay?” She all but coos.

“I’m fine, just really frustrated.”

“What a scumbag. What happened to him?” Derek asks.

“No idea, but I hope he feels it for a few days.” You scoff. “If he gets off with nothing, I’m gonna be even more furious.”

The murmurs of agreement that spread throughout the small group is swallowed by the sounds of not only the other BAU agents, but regular police officers too. There are at least six officers, and many other FBI officials. “Am I allowed to know what’s going on?”  You frown.

“Some stuff with the local PD. Nothing to worry your pretty little head over,” Derek remarks, ruffling your hair to make a point. You smile, batting his hands away. Dave passes out the coffee, and you sit near the group table, pulling out your phone as a distraction. Aaron comes in a moment later.

“Y/N, head up to my office. You don’t need to hear anything about this case.” He says without making eye contact. You don’t respond verbally, only get up, grab your stuff and go to his office. Normally, you’d put up a fight, but you’re barely allowed in the bullpen as is, and you don’t want to sacrifice that privilege. 

His office is clean save for the papers littering his desk. You take a seat on the chair behind the desk, and go back to playing on your phone. 

It’s not long before an alarm goes off. It’s high pitched and shakes the room. Your hands immediately shield your ears from the screeching noise. Officers and agents alike are scrambling out the door, leaving half the BAU and only four officers left. 

One of the officers barks something into a walkie talkie, and the alarm finally shuts off. You relax back into the chair, but keep a watchful eye over the rest of the bullpen.

Within minutes, two new officers have replaced the old ones and are getting in Dave’s face, not trying to hide the fact that they’re arguing about something. Penelope and Spencer are trying to diffuse the situation, but it doesn’t seem to be working.

Then the lights flicker. It starts slow, then gets faster until the lights just give out. The bullpen is now shrouded in darkness, making Aaron’s office pitch black. You’re about to turn on the flashlight on your phone when you hear two loud bangs.

You’ve heard the sound of gunshots before, but that was when your uncle took you to a shooting range in a very controlled environment. Remembering everything Aaron has ever taught you about active shootings, you fall to your knees and hide under the desk. You press you back against the desk, clutching your knees to your chest. Breathing as evenly as you can, you strain your ears for any sound.

Muffled yelling wafts through the air and reaches your strained ears. Two more bangs. The yelling stops. You breathe hitches as tears fill your eyes. Someone is dead, you’re sure of it. Pressing your hand against your mouth, you keep the sounds of your distress at bay.

What feels like hours pass when you hear footsteps coming towards the office. Curling up tighter, you try to make yourself as small as possible. The door is thrown open hitting the wall with a boom. You bite down on your lip, dig your fingernails in the soft flesh of your palm, and hold your breath.

Loud stomps come towards you and stop. “Come out, kid. I know you’re here.” He barks. A few more steps. “You better show yourself or you’ll be sorry.” A couple more steps. Tears begin to fall down your cheeks. Wiping them away, you start to resign yourself to your fate. 

Suddenly, the chair is thrown back and your wrist is grabbed. You yelp sharply as your entire body is torn out from under the desk. An arm wraps around your neck, loose enough so you’re able to breathe, but tight enough so you’re unable to get away.

“Listen hard, okay? You’re going to come downstairs and play nicely while we get what we need, understood.” The man’s breath tickles your neck as he speaks, arm tightening around your neck ever so slightly as the other snakes around your midsection.

“Yes,” You say, desperately trying to keep the rest of your tears in your eyes. 

He drags you down the stairs. Through the little natural light, you can make out a small huddle of people in the middle of the bullpen. A shove to your back makes you land hard on your knees next to the huddle. Pain spreads up your legs and through you wrists, making you wince. Without much time to react, you’re gathered in someone’s arms. They pull you close to them and begin to whisper. 

“It’s okay, Bambina,” It’s Dave, and you want to bawl. You’re supposed to be the tough teenager, not a crying child. All of the adrenaline and anger had faded, leaving you shaking from fear and not indignation. “We’ll get you out of here.”

You can only nod along to the comforting words he whispers. He rubs one hand up and down your back, using the other to press your head against his chest. 

Glancing up, you see three officers. All of them wield what look to be rifles and they circling the group like vultures. There’s a pile of cellphones and weapons in the middle of the pile. You shift, confirming that your phone is still in your back pocket, covered by the sweatshirt you stole from Aaron. 

Suddenly, there’s a noise reverberating through the room. A generic ringtone, something overly obnoxious. You hold your breath and shift again, trying to feel any vibration. It’s not yours. One of the police officers walks out of the room. The other two get closer to the group, compensating for the loss. Dave tightens the grip he has around you. It’s silent for a few minutes. The only thing in the air is tension. You can barely make out the face of Spencer across the circle. He’s doing that thing where he has to sit still, but he’s busy putting two and two together to solve a case. His eyes dart around the room, his fingers drum on his legs, and he’s mouthing something. JJ sits next to him, a very concerned look etched into her face. Penelope is nowhere to be found. 

The sound of weighted footsteps approaches the small circle quickly. The officer that left returns, very infuriated. He holds his rifle close to his side as he once again yanks you to your feet and away from Dave’s protective grip. 

You gasp, immediately struggling. Cries of protest rise from the rest of the BAU. 

“Take me instead,” Dave demands, standing up. “I’m more valuable than her, you’ll get more of what you want if you have an esteemed FBI agent instead of a civilian." 

The officer’s face twists. Without hesitation, he slams the butt onto Dave’s forehead. He crumples to the floor, clutching his now injured head.

You fight tears once again. I need to be strong. I can’t be scared right now. I can’t be scared. I can’t be scared…. Your inner mantra replays in your head as your forced down a narrow hallway, the officer gripping your arm. You walk along with him, breath shallow and tears stuck in your eyes. 

But then you notice something.

A smaller handgun sits loosely in a holster attached to his hip. The grip of the gun is hanging out of the holster, almost falling out with each hurried step. 

If you could just… 

When you turn a corner, he lets go of you. You make your choice in a split second. Surging forward, you grab the grip, turn the safety off, and you pull the trigger. You hit him in the hip just below where a bullet proof vest would be. The you cock the gun and shoot one more time in his thigh. 

As soon as the last shot goes you, turn the safety back on, and begin to sprint. 

The only advantage you have in this situation is your knowledge. Thanks to Penelope and Kevin giving you a very in depth tour of the place when you first started tagging along with Aaron, you know every nook and cranny on this floor, and the ones above you.

With the help of another rush of adrenaline, you easily sprint down the hallway. All semblance of rational thought left your mind. All that’s left is the instinct to run as far and as fast as you can. 

You run until you’ve managed to get up to the top floor of the building. Because of the outage, every door is unlocked, but really heavy. You push the final door with all your might. It doesn’t budge. The blood rushing through you is the only thing that matters, it’s the only thing you hear and the only thing you feel. You give it another shot, using every muscle in your body. There is a loud creak as it finally budges, allowing you to slip inside.

The top floor is the only one you’ve never been in. The little natural light is starting to fade. You need to find a place to hide and find one fast. Jogging down the halls, you find that all of the doors to the offices are closed, and mostly likely locked. 

You swear under your breath, stopping at a corner. You hear the loud creak of the door as it’s opened. Fuck. 

Your blood runs cold. You don’t wait to listen for footsteps this time, you haul ass down the corridor until you’ve come wide area with a ton of doors. You slam your body against the door next to you while turning the handle. Nothing. 

You stumble to the door across from it. Locked as well. You try one last door as you hear footsteps over the blood roaring in your ears. 

Finally. This one is unlocked. You fall inside of an empty room, landing on your knees once more. A pained noise slips from your lips, and you freeze. The footsteps are still coming. You kick the door closed and push yourself into a sitting position next to the hinges.

Once again, you press your shaking hands over your mouth. Heavy breaths come out through your nose. You squeeze your eyes shut, a few tears slipping out. You clutch the gun to your chest, slowly taking it off of safety.

At some point during the night’s events, your phone fell out of your pocket. You aren’t sure when, nor are you able to call anyone or tell them you tried your best to stay alive. More tears fall from your eyes. 

You’re going to die. 

Those fuckers are going to get revenge for their buddy, and you’re going to die. 

“Y/N! Y/N are you here?” 

What? You stop breathing for a second, that sounds like Derek. 

“Y/N!” And that’s Spencer. 

You don’t dare move, blink, or breathe as shock envelopes your body.

“Has anyone else found her?” Derek demands, sounding as stressed as ever. “Not yet. Morgan, what if she-” “No, Spencer. Don’t.” Derek’s voice is full of desperation, and mainly fear.

That’s enough for you. You push yourself off the floor with one hand. Opening the door, you get blinded by light. You wince, covering your eyes with your free arm. The bright LED light from their flashlights were a lot to take after not seeing any light for god knows how long. 

"Y/N, oh thank God.” Derek breathes out. “Are you okay? Are you hurt?”

“I-I don’t know." 

"C'mere.” He says, wrapping an arm around you. You feel the gun being pulled from your grip. “Spencer, call the others." 

You melt into his embrace as the tears finally fall, steadily and silently.

Downstairs, Aaron paces wildly with red rimming his eyes. The local police department was corrupt and had been after important documents that would lead to incredible opportunities for organized crime. The BAU caught on too late to stop the hostage situation, but when they realized what the officers had been after, they sprung into action.

When the others told him about you being taken by the leader, the gunshots they heard, and the fact that neither of you came back to the bullpen, his mind jumped to the worst. All of their minds did. But when they went searching, they found the leader bleeding out in a hallway, missing a gun with you nowhere to be found. 

Now, Aaron can’t stop pacing. Dave sits close by, injuries tended to. His attempts to comfort his friend fell of deaf ears. 

But Aaron can’t lose you too. He was supposed to keep you safe. He took you in because his brother couldn’t keep you safe. Even with the call from Spencer, he couldn’t believe you were okay until he sees it. He gets his reassurance when he sees the elevator opens. Morgan has an arm around you, bracing you and protecting you from any perceived threat. 

You rush forward when you see him, throwing your arms around his neck. 

“You’re okay.” He says, comforting both you and himself. “I’m sorry,” You choke out. 

“What for?” He asks. That was certainly not the reaction he was expecting. 

“I shot him. I’m sorry, I didn’t know what else to do-”

“Y/N.” Aaron pushes you away from his chest so he can look you in the eyes. “You did what you had to. You were protecting yourself.” You can only nod with tears in your eyes. He brings you back into his arms, fingers carding through your hair for both your comfort and his. You bury your head in his chest, blocking the rest of the world out. 

Everything is going to be okay.

[misterbitches]

some thots. having a bad time so this is rougher than usual. oh well

....

i guess he really does know hiim best cos if that was my mans (man specifically cos if anyone else did that id take it more srsly) i would be like oh my god ur singing me a love song? i would love it but i woudl SCREAM in embarrassment. UNLESS it was a really deep love song that's about us dying together.

like i want to eat ur skin type of thing (drain u nirvana) lmaoa but i really like this song it reminds me of that velvet underground song (the only one i know cos of juno lmao) and nico or whatever 'i'm sticking with you)

my adhd would be out of fucking control i had to spend my time listening to this looking around i kept getting distracted by a tissue and thinking "wow this song is nice but i wish it would end bc i am getting distracted" and lo and behold i paused it and i have to pee and i know it's gonna take forever to undo this

ok about 12m later i turned it back on and they kissed and then he bit the corn then that night li chen also lost his virgin teas after watching gay porn and being like "hm interesting" and he'll be like "i see, ur dick is not medium sized"

i'm honestly gagging i cannot at this 12 year old marrying his mom

beautiful theyre beautiful

ayea you fucking psycho we do too because he was 17 and we had to witness it (or well, other people did cos i didnt watch the show even tho wayne song is [BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP BEEEEEP BEEEEP] and i want him to [BEEEEEEEP] and ppl even liked it which is fine like i get it in theory but they put this in my eyeballs so i'm gonna make fun of it bc it's fuckin DUMB lmao like i can't I CANNOT and he said "u were so persistent" BITCH UR 30??!?!???!?!?!?)capi hve it on mute and i tried to get a screencap of li chen and mu ren like together and not just his face but i cant find the timestamp and seeing their faces as they get married is literalyl traumattizing i'm like scremaing at my screen going "HE'S 5 HE'S 5 HE'S 5" and every time theyre like "we acn live forever together" like no bitch ur bones rae creaking

also is the officiator white? if anyone knows why or if that's common i'd love to know more. EDIT: HE ISN'T I JUST THOUGHT HE LOOKED LIKE MOBY FROM THAT ANGLE

anyway here

i'm almost done with this fucking bullshit and i am in a really ould mood and usu they make it a bit better but imo it's kind of....annoying i guess balancing all these story elements and introducin gother couples (even in the periphery) since the story in itself can't focus. i feel like all in all the time spent with these two is a lot more limited and we get the feel for the rship because of their chemistry as actors, irl chemistry as friends and colleagues, and hopefully being happy and working on a good set. so it isn't the strength of the writing or production.

for some reason they get like less dynamic ways of being together which i think is part of their charm, they do things their own way, but the writers really should have substantiated this more. it's really just the way everyone in the show has managed to deliver these AWFUL story lines and production decisions (like seriously who the fuck was on costume? lighting?)

like maybe hot take but all the moments that are cringe and insane in the show are not pleasant, per se, because they aren't thought out clearly. so they're not a joy to watch in the normal sense but the actors are good enough to pull it off. i didn't cringe at the talks they had because it felt like actors like acting these lines out instead of us being embarrassed for it and you CAN TELL theyre embarrassed.

this is a huge kudos to the casting director and the actors and whatever crew that actually did a good job. i don't particularly like watching bo xiang and his grandfather husband not because of the content but because i feel like, to me, they're so awkward even though they have chemistry. i don't have that issue with xing si and his rapist brother boyfriend because watching them is actually really pleasant, it's intimate. this isn't to do with the story though because when it hits you how devoid this other person is and how stupid the situation is it changes (for me, for me, for me, this is all my opinion think whateverrrr u want im not telling u 2 ok!)

so truly kudos to this cast. idk if i'm misremembering here but imo the most cast appropriate series in this was crossing the line and close to you. one is a decent atmosphere and execution (yes even with that brother story line, notice the major key differences though because that's a sincere false equivalence. they try to execute power imbalances soooo badly and then fail every time but here's one meant to shock too and it was just likelmao ok girl?)

it may not make sense to say either in a writing way or for the character to do it but i believe that whoever the characters these people are supposed to be especially those super not well written on the page still get that message aacross (yong jie's actor is a good ex. not sure if i should ccongratulate him for having the worst job on earth and the worst character and his character is flat but. ostensibly they should let their actions speak for themselevs but what they do is they back themselves into a ccorner with unsuretyabout their characters or a dilemma that pops up they just want to excuse it. well guess hwat u couldnt do enough legwork. but to some extent the disposable side couple works here on a um "our eyes see them and get it" way

also to me it seems like they chose this story just to have this specific wedding. like it's a timely topic and i'm pretty sure like another provision? (correction? idk) was made WRT taiwanese same-sex marriage so it's topical but it isn't like a "papa and daddy" situation where they're interacting in it and there (for ex: the pride parade) and there being like real life terms and consequences. here it seems like they were like ah yes wedding ah yes dumb couple from modc bc we kiled off the other one sooooo (then outsource them to life love on the line u__u) then hamfisting in some fucking message which is funny bc

- despite the hints peppered in and the clear attraction they both acknowledge ur like ~not gay just him~ even tho...i mean i just. again they dont read over what they write i don't think considering. but wahtever.

- the only gay dude (verbally said) is with his rapist brother with an awful power dynamic oh or IS a rapist (gao) (or his brother but i think it was just a "im a psycho so it's him" thing unless they said it. in which case idc cos i wasnt paying attn but that's also not great) or i guess the wedding but like....that's also a ridiculously inappropriate and dumb relationship taht it's built on. i mean i don't really see much respect her so i dont particularly want to hear abt gay weddings being important when they didn't even utilize it in the story beforehand and have we ever. this is a huge indication to me that it was a reverse engineered chosen story beforehand (if it was one) or thought of

soooooo

so reversal of that....it didnt give us enough time to breathe with these two at all but for both of the actors they can capitalize what's on the page and the writers didn't. like their dynamic is very i give/you give like taking car eof each other etc that's why

again, no artist worth their salt will ever say their work meant nothing. that's a cover up. i'm sick of lazy production and then getting away with it claiming being subversive or attacking an issue by not doing anything. we show crazy shit all the time but it has a POINT and ur point is "i like the gays" then girl.....i mean it's not great

but the acting really carried it. i have a feeling if this series continues it might continue to use more experienced actors cos maybe the budget goes up but they also have less inhibitions now when it comes to acting. i like the way li chen expresss himself and teng teng too. i like anson a lot and there's some angles that did not do any favors and i think eh has to get more control of his body movements (bc he's SO LARGE and thin) but he wasn't bad at all and there were real human tears. of course i, personally, favor charles tu. he has more control over his body because he has...less to work with and he's a bit bigger and he was really great in this role. he's a himbo a bit of a meathead but you like him. you like them. there's some things i think they had them say and do that they wouldn't let happen if they stuck to the characters and the story (mainly liking that dumb idiot rapist)

what i notice is that the reprehensible actions people criticize others for in the show and in real human life lalways gets turned around. teng teng being surprised that this boy's grandfather boyfriend met him when he was a junior in high school and he's 12 years older and him apologizing for being shocked and then whatshisface going "ur better at it than most people" and then the convo about gao with whatshisface and then rapist brother comes to pick him up. they are admonishing gao but thinking that rapist brother is noble for doin gwhat he did (and oh rapist brother shows up) like the hypocrisy and the decisions are immense. so now it's like "guys see he's a great guy" like girl STICK TO SOMETHING but whatever so i live in this universe where muren and li chen do everything right and have lots of different interesting fun seex with all their friends. i would write this but i cannot i am dying

[charmed-asylum]

👨‍🍳#𝓕𝓞𝓞𝓓𝓲𝓔👨‍🍳

Summary: Something happening in Easter Hills. Something that effecting everyone under the surface. Could this just be a phase a trick that no one can shack off? Is this something that will pass with another or can we all be heading for destruction

Declaimer: #Foodie has some curse words, blood,cat fight, mentions of bullying and eating disorder. Also, I do have dyslexia who happens to do her own proof reading so be easy with me!!! 

A/N: This chapter is a filler before things start to go to shit in the next one. Let me know what you think or want to be added to the tag list. xoxo Tia

MASTER LIST // Previous CHAPTER 2

Tagged: @weapinggwillowss​ @kittykatlow​ @alagalaska @deansblackbeauty​ 

The journey to school was a blur. I don’t know how or by what grace of god but I made it come Monday. It has been one hell of a week but that be an understatement. In reality, it wasn’t just this week it was these last month or so. I tap my number two pencil a few times against the desk waiting for my name to be called. Ms. King was an older lady full proud of the fact she been teaching since 1968. While it was an achievement to the only thing she to show was  13 cats waiting for her at home. The simple 10 minutes routine took her much longer and left us 20 minutes to cramp everything in. Today this lovely dry hot day was pushing 22 minutes. Taking a deep breath I look away from the heart diagram and look up to see what was taking so long. Class of normally 27 students was a minor fraction of 18 if that. I would think nothing of it but as I chew on the nasty no taste but death eraser it hit me. It was the same thing for all my other class different students were missing, I heard principal Ratchet mention the flu or mono. Just did not feel right.

Eraser still hanging from my mouth as I think of that day. Mind rush back to sitting in the back of the ambulance. Flashing blue and red light blur my vision only clear thing was KP looking like a superhero. His huge rough hands play in his hair as he let a huge breath out from his chiseled chest. Eyes darting back from the black bag and the sheriff. I was gonna speak but KP knows what is best and having me talk wasn’t it. Men stuck in his ways talking to the freak was never useful. The only words that came from his mouth addressed to me were,” Second time in a month you got something going on with you and these damn woods. You doing some witchcraft or something. Weird girl”. I chuckled under my breath at the joke he was. But he was right two times in a month this time I’m alone. No parents no reassurance. Blood mix with the dirt covers most of my clothes. KP didn’t mention much just that we saw the body out of nowhere. Not that it was still alive barley but alive not that it said anything just that it was dead when he checked. The next thing I remember was me in the bathtub still in my clothes as he cleans me off. Water was mix with soap water and dirt. I practically begged him to stay not to leave with tears rolling down my cheeks eyes red with fear and pain. With a kiss on the crown of my head, he promises me before carrying me to bed. We lay snuggled together his hands holding me tightly his hands and mine laying close to my heart. By the time the rosters call to wake up the night creatures, he was gone.

Bell took me out of my mind back into reality. Slowly grabbing my thing I rush out to my locker to see if Janet picks up the note I left. Peaking over my shoulder I shield myself as I put in her combo. With a tap it open with the note still there. SHIT JANET. Besides the creepy 3 words messages, I haven’t heard from her. Just had to focus today thing on Janet.

Corner of my eye I could see few people going towards the cafeteria. I swing my bag over my shoulder and ran off to the cafeteria. Even though my lunch period was for another two periods. Pushing through the sea of people looking for her. Crazy how classrooms were getting more and more empty but the cafeteria was getting more and more crowded. Pushing people who were waiting on the growing line to get food I look around for Janet. She has been having lunch during this period and her regular one with me for a month. Turning shoulders calling she was nowhere. FUCK.

My fresh white polish nails comb through my hair as I tried to remain calm. Closing my eyes I pray to the lords for help a sign. Anything to prove  I’m not losing it once again. As I started to relax I could hear a noise a voice. Looking up I thank god before following the voice. Now before I explain to you what saw a person should know in this school I’m a freak I’m okay with it, I accept it, I celebrate my flawless in the eye of my peers. One of many things is my strict unorthodox eating habits. I have been called every word in every dictionary. Something I never wanna contribute to, Tiffany though is a 500 calories a day type of girl. Once someone gave her a regular coke and she beat the poor freshman right to ER. She screams Malibu Barbie with matching purse. Flawless. She Janet’s level flawless just with an eating disorder. This Tiffany if it wasn’t for the 5,000 purses and that annoying voice, this girl looks nothing like her. First, it was the fact all my years of knowing her she only wears a crop top and thong poking out now in size large sweater with purple unicorns and leggings, that she probably got from the local theft shop in town. I almost piss myself. Then was her plate. The fact she had a plate was a shocker.  She had two things of chili fries, a sloppy Joe, and three pudding cups. Sipping from a BIG BOY slushie from the gas station down the road. Unknown to me I was currently in front of her table mouth open till one of her minions toss a fry at me.

“ Tiffany. Hey huh, Tiff” I said still unsure.

If I was shocked before when she turned to me made me beyond doubt stun. She had a ton of acne and her face look a bit puffy from her skeleton skin-tight face not so long ago.

“ What do you want? “ One of her minions ask as she was chewing on some sour union flavor chips.

“ Have you seen. Janet today? We got a project due tomorrow and I can’t find her” I said spit balling as went on.

They look at each other and giggle. Tiffany looks at the other and like that her mood change she sat up a bit more and turn to fully look at me. With her stain shirt and food on the corner of her mouth. She looks at me with hungry in her eyes with a quick lick around her smug lipstick lips grind at me.

“ Actually no we haven’t but we were gonna look for her. Hey, you got any Trippie on you” Tiffany said with joy and lust in those hazel eyes.

Step back and put a hand to my hip. I look at her as she waited for my answer. This gosh darn drug again. The reason why I and Janet been at odds, to begin with.

“ No. I don’t take that stuff. Tried Popi. She the one who had it in the 1st place. You haven’t seen her she usually here with you during lunch” I pressed. Look of doubt of cross all four girls face. Who was spotting a similar appearance to their leader?

“ Come on. Smith your join to the fuckin hip. You must know where we can find her or some of the drugs. We ran out quicker then we wanted to. Takes longer to get it up. Help us. We do anything. Tell Janet we are willing to do anything “ Zoe said grabbing tight to my wrist. Her grip was airtight that I felt the pressure. Almost like how it was with Janet that last time. Same look in the eyes too.

Pulling away from her grip with all my might I stumble back. I look at the girls as their expressions started to change to a dead zone look in their eyes. Like they were on something. My mouth became dry my brain ache from thoughts that were running through my head. My eyes darted from one to another to another.

“ Lik-”

Tiffany ignore me and started to laugh after taking a few more bites of her sandwich. Drops of it left on her shirt one just by the corner of her mouth.

“ She not gonna tell us. She wants it all to her self. It’s fine we figure it out we are not selfish people” Tiffany said laughing between each chew. I clench my jaw till I felt something swooshing in my mouth a bitter taste.

“ Like I said. I don’t take that stuff. I care what goes in my body and I don’t trust it” I said before turning to leave. I got a few steps in before I heard more laughter. I stop and chuckle to myself what was so funny. Sound like she was mumbling something. “Excuse me” I said turning back around.

“ You know what. Why did I even ask you? Face it. Without that candy eye boy toy or your American pie girlfriend you nothing but a fuckin virgin who can even drive. Your nothing only thing you were made to do was to worship and praise others. Look at you Janet doesn’t give you any attention finally realize what dead weight you are and left you. I bet it hurts knowing that you are nothing. EVERYONE LEAVES YOU. But you are one thing. Very good at if I may say. Being a pathetic bitch. Roof roof” Tiffany said with a smile on her face and a wheeze of a laugh. I hated her I know I should not but I did. Hated that she was mostly right I hate that I let this get to me and most of all I hated I was entertaining it. It was too late I felt the tears in my eyes. So I did the only thing left to do and that was to mirror her. Show who she was I am good at pretending so much so I don’t know if my mind grew up with my body.

“ Funny you say that. Because the only thing I see is a bunch of mystery meat slops of shit. Yeah, you almost was right but you forgot about one thing. Tiffany, I’m not someone bitch I am the mother fucking  animal control. I round up all those rodents pest and I put them down. Don’t test me, ugly soul. Because next time I put you down maybe just maybe finally allow your groupies some air to think for once” I said got closer to her till I was nose to nose.

Taking my thumb I gently clean her of the sloppy Joe that settles on the corner of her mouth before rubbing it on her shoulder. A smile with victory as she remains silent from my death stare. Lips cover in raspberry flavor organic lip-gloss roll off a bit from my tongue as I move it across. Stepping back I flip up my middle finger high in the air and turn around probably too quick because next thing I know something pulls me close and punches me square in the face knocking me slow motion down to the ground. Light flicker a bit before with rainbows and glitter before it all fades to black.

Drips of water fell down my forehead. The buzzing was the first thing that caught my attention, the buzz from a circle ceiling light with a cool white tent. Buzz hypnotize me Mumbling back noise stop but my eyes remained on a poor dead fly t stuck in the filter.

" Oh, Ms. Smith you awake. That was a nasty fall. I will be back in a second" Nurse Jane called out.

The nurse’s office like this fly in a black hole stuck in the 1950s with a wall of fame for Nurse Jane prize dog. Yup, Mr. Fuzzy Bear. Elvis Presley played in the background. I look at the wall  Mr. Fuzzy Bear look completely different then dog I saw a few weeks ago. Tap on the shoulder shocks me to the core as I scream out and throw the now baggie of water into the floor by my converse. Hands shake with fear my breathing getting shorter as I hold onto the wall of trophies. Trying and failing to catch my breath. Another tap sent me to the floor crawling to the corner covering my ears and tried to control my breathing.

" Oh, I'm sorry. Ms. Smith. I was seeing if you were okay. Sit here let me get you some water" Nurse Jane said. I could smell whiskey on her breath as she spoke to me. Mix with the cheap drug store perfume they sale but no one brought due to the reaction most got.

Looking up I watch as she walks off. She had far to much hair spray that perfect her scoop with a white daisy in her hair and the white long sleeve white nurse uniform. My eyes went back to the daisy I study flowers out of boredom and that one something was off. Slowly getting to my feet I follow her to the front till I stop and see the puddle I felt. CRAB CAKES I said to myself as I got on my knees to clean up my mess.

“ That’s a new daisy huh Mrs. Cruise. Might need to clip a few and add it to the garden” I said

“ Oh, this little old thing. My little boy was playing out in the fields and found some. Next to this strange patch of grass. Probably weed. Anyway, it was the prettiest thing I have seen had to cut one of myself. But don’t let your self eat it. My poor baby eats some and well that how he ends up going to see you” She said handing out a can for the trash.

“ How is little guy anyway. Not eating any more chocolate or flowers I hope” I asked dusting off my rip denim jeans.

She looks at me strange her head tilt to the side hair staying in place. A huge grind plaster on that clown-like makeup face.

“ Smith. My baby has been with you all this week. I took my little fuzzy home and he started to act like he was from the wild. Brought him back so the good lord of a doctor can make him all better” Jane said.

I wanted to laugh because last I check he wasn’t there. Words stayed at top of my tongue. My eyes dart to her and the wall of trophies back to her.

“ Oh yeah. Ethan got hurt had to get someone over from next town over. Sure he is back to the cute button he always is in no time. If I may ask because well new doc might make a fuss where was this planet at” I asked.

“ Well, I was on my daily work out power walk so mmmm somewhere by the old wooden bridge in Lovers. Such a pretty sight” Jane said. Before I can speak the phone rang. I slipped out as she turns to answer it.

I look in my hand was the white tissue with the daisy I snatch off of her. Something was off. Maybe if Janet didn’t want to tell me I figure it out myself. Something was wrong and I attend to figure it out one way or another. The first stop was to work.

Most don’t know because my family likes to keep it hush back before Ethan came into town my dad family own Easter Hills Animal Hospital for over 60 years. Still does as a private owner. Ethan was like the fun aunt and each time I had nowhere to go she would sit me on the desk and teach me things. The first animal I cut open was a raccoon at the age of 7 with Ethan of course helping me every step of the way.

Lights in the hallway were dim fluorescent lights. With my phone in my hand, I tap on the flashlight and slowly walk into the back. Maybe I can check a few of the animals and the daisy I snatch to see if anything was similar. BING BING I glance down to my notifications to see a text from KP. Asking me if I am okay. I cared about him but there was too much at state. I need to know. Call it a hunch.

It smells like trash and cleaning supplies for some reason. Like the hardcore, stuff police use to clean a crime scene. I should know each night I clean the operation rooms and front area. The stuff we use was the general store brand. And it smells and looks too perfect. The new vet hasn’t arrived yet, so who did this? The keys dangle from my left hand hitting me as I walk down to the back where the files would be at. I just had to check to see if the dog was still here. As I got close something wasn’t right. There was a brand new lock on the door. I was here not so long ago this heavy-duty lock wasn’t here. Clipping the keys to my hip I glance around before I tried to jiggle at the lock. No luck. Looking around I tried to think on my feet. Shit. Lending against the wall  I see a light on in Ethan office. Alright, that can work. Pocketing my phone in my back pocket. I sneak into her office.

The walls were cover in wine red wallpaper with cherry dark chocolate wood floors. Her office looks nothing like the one you would assume a veterinarian office would look like. Everything from the desk to the chairs was expensive something Ethan insisted. There was a black bookshelf that lay against the wall with matching black gold nods desk. Chairs that were a whopping 2,000 each sat perfectly insight. Awards plastered on another wall with pictures of her many accomplishments. She looks print-ready perfect. Along with all her pictures was one in the corner row of her with my parents when I was younger. I remember that day like it was yesterday. The first day she started almost 10 years ago. She had a short boy cut with dyed blonde hair that made her features pop. I didn’t know much about beauty but she and my mother are what I imagine. Most look at Mona Lisa or Marvel statue for reference me I had two prime examples just for myself to see each day. Kinda like what I felt when I saw KP for 1st time 6 years ago. For so many years  I was lost in the woods unable in away to find my way home. At first, it was Ethan and Janet who hold me close then shortly KP. 

A loud bing drum though my ears. Clinching onto my ears I start to breathe again. Calming myself before I slip again. I had to focus. My eyes gaze to the computer. Ethan was many things but OCD was one. She always had copies full of details. I couldn’t get into the back room but maybe this could work. I rush over almost knocking over a picture of Ethan's two older daughters to the desk. Shaking the mouse I wait till the computer comes alive. My left hand cradling my face biting my thumbnail. Taste is nail polish with taste funny but I chew and spit it out without thought. CRAP. Password. Taking my hand away I tap the keyboard. It could be an endless list of it could be one. Sitting back in the plush comfy desk chair lean back and rock back and forth. Great way to putting all those AP and college courses to good use I thought to myself. Tapping my sneakers against the wood floor I loosen my messy bun and run my fingers through my hair. My ring KP gave me tangle through my hair. I stop thinking and reach to type something in quickly. WINE. Nope, crap. Pulling out the draws I look around for something. A hint clue maybe like many older people password somewhere.

While her office was perfect these draws were nothing like it may be the OCD part was probably the wrong word. It had five draws: 1st had simple office supplies and a pill bottle of viagra, 2nd had appointment book and business card old open bag of photo chips, 3rd had a prepaid phone, key to the safe, and thing of condoms. 4th one had a bottle of cheap whiskey, two glasses, and a few files full of pictures and post it’s. The draw in the center didn’t budge. Feeling around the smooth polish surface I felt something off. Stretching down a bit more I felt it. A huge grin spread across my face as I grab and quickly tried to open the back door with it. Still, it did not budge. Running back I did not see the front door was wide open letting in a cool breeze. Driven by excited I tried for the desk draw and heard a click. Opening it. I saw a phone book and a journal and right on the front corner in a bright pink post-it was the password: 2HOT4THISISH. 

My laughter was cut short when I heard heavy foot shuffling outside the crack door. I pause and tried to figure my next move. With my eyes on the door, I quickly shove the papers from the files in my bag. The journal replacing it with a book another that was on the table and putting everything back to what it was. Before I could slip out the door open with a loud creak sound. Panic took over and I quickly bundled tight under the desk with my legs squeeze tight to my chest a gentle rock not make a sound. I could hear wheezing. My eyes were full of tears as I tried not to panic. Who could it be? My eyes drift off to the side and I could see a pair of Black Jimmy Choo nearly 3 feet from my hand. I quickly move it and watch the shoes. It was there for another 10 maybe 15 minutes before I heard a rattle of keys and shoes walk away. Towards the end hallway I heard some more noise but this time it was from the back door I tried to open earlier. Whoever it was the person did whatever to the lock.

I jolt awake from the sound of my phone going off. I glanced down to see it was KP. And it was going at 11 o’clock. Fudge I slowly got up from the floor and sat in the chair.

“ Hey baby I’m so sorry I got lost in my work and fell asleep” I said rubbing my eyes.

I could hear a deep breath in and I could imagine he was rubbing his forehead with a thick strong finger.

“ Sweetie. You had me worried. I had to hear from someone else you got in a fight with that toothpick girl. Tiffany something. Why didn’t you call me” he asked with a bit ignored.

I look around at the office and back at the computer it was still on. I rest the phone in the crook of my neck and type in the password.

“ I know I didn’t want you to worry. I’m sorry. I should have told you. Do you wanna snuggle tonight Phillip. We can snuggle and I can give you kitty licks or something” I said trying to get him to lighten up. The home screen came up. There was normal stuff internet, virus protection filed, a few others. As I waited I click on to each and look to see what I can find.

“ Oh really. You know I love your kitty licks Issac. I gotta stay in late today probably till about 2 in the morning. But I can still come over. For some snuggle, if the offer still open” KP tease.

My smile drops when I saw something I didn’t mean to click. It had pictures and pdf of things I never have seen before. I hold the clicker to print everything out.

“ Of course. You know where the key is. Just bring some milk if you come. Mr. Cereal cruncher uses the last bit the other day” I said with a giggle.

“ Will do. Sorry I been distant. Perks of small ass town are not many folks to call if there a crisis. I never get how a town of 203 people can have a police unit of 12 people which includes the old man club who just sleeps in the police car. One day this mentality gonna bit them in the ass baby. Baby are you still there” KP asked.

I wasn’t listening but instead reading what I found. It was my reports I send for. For the drug, dog, and something unknown. I glance at the date and it was of a few days ago. Each had this strange code at the end of each page.

“ I’m sorry about that honey. You know this town stuck in time. I know things are hectic with you. I wish I could make it perfect like the way you are. But I can only be your snuggle bunny and talk to you and be here for you” I said packing my bag and looking some more.

“ That’s all I ask for baby. My beautiful snuggle bunny. God your -“ KP stop talking and shot out to someone. “ Huh. I gotta go another fuck up animal. Just pop up by lover lane” KP said disappointed.

“ It’s okay. Hey, hasn’t it been a lot of that lately? We don’t get those anymore. You cheating on me with another animal lover” I teased. It was silent only I could hear was a deep breath from the other line.

“ I am joking. I’m gonna be wearing your favorite plaid shirt to sleep. I love you. Stay safe for me please” I said in a mouse-like whisper.

I need this stuff. Looking in my bag I pull out my key chain for my USB drive. I looked around before plugin it in and copying all the files. As it got to 100% I quickly unplugged it and fix everything to was before I came. My bike was a half-mile away hiding behind trees and some branches. Midnight sky dance high. Times like this I would stop and lay on the road and look up now I’m filled with this void. This feeling was creeping from the corner of my eyesight. Feeling of claws pulling at your flesh. Ahead I could see some birds flying south. A huge flock like it was on my date. They always know I wish I could just have left with KP and not look back. Even with that would I be escaping the danger or welcoming another.

I sat Indian style on the floor with a pencil in my bun and a yellow highlighter in my mouth. Looking over the papers and files scattered across. The more I read more I could tell something wasn’t right.

“ Baby why are you up ?” a voice said for behind me. I jump up almost choking on the highlighter falling in the papers behind me.

KP stood tall with his sleeve rolled up to show his god-like muscle hairstyle slick back looking like a Ken doll.

“ Sorry homework” I said looking up to him. He chuckled and bend down on one knee to get a better look at me. He took my hand and slowly help me up in. I could smell the coffee from his breath mix with some gum. He smokes even though I told him how much I hated it. More he smokes a brand that not even available anymore. Which made me madder at the money he spent.

“ You know you keep it up with the donuts and cigarettes your not gonna be able to promise me that forever. Mister” I said with a bent brow at him.

With a finger, he played with my hair a bit before meeting my eyes. Sweet sparkle that makes anyone weak to the knees and a smile to match. Coming closer he kisses me with such hunger. I reach for the back of his neck to help me out as I deepen the kiss. Til I taste the cigarette and stop.

“ No kisses till you brush your teeth. Yucky “ I giggle in his neck. My hands still playing with his neck hair. His hands move further down my back till it reaches my rear.

“ But I’m sleepy. I don’t wanna. You said you are my snuggle bunny” He said with his puppy eyes. I hit his rock hard chest playfully before pushing myself backs away from him laying on top of the papers so he couldn't see it.

“ And we will when you brush your teeth. Or you can quite” I said with a fake shock face.

He laughs and walks to the bathroom join to my bedroom. I turn to watch as he walks off. God his butt was a thing of beauty.

“ What type of work are you doing “ He asked from the bathroom.

I slowly got up when I heard the water and quickly move all the papers and shove them in my bag.

“ Research paper for history. You know how Mr. Burns is a pain in my buttocks “ I said checking around for anything else.

KP wall out with a mouth full of mouthwash gave me his serious look. I walk over to a bin under my bed full of some clothes for him and toss him over some sweatpants. Getting under my blankets I waited for him to come out. My cell started to ring from my bedside table. Reaching for it I answered it and walk out to the hallway.

“ Janet is that you. God, I have been worried” I whisper into the phone. Nothing.

“ I forgot you quite. Tiffany came at me looking for you. Be proud I told her off” I laughed. Still nothing.

“ If you are in trouble I can help. And hey if it’s something legal then fuck it. You are my friend I can talk to KP. He here..hello” the phone click and I heard a dial tone.

“ Who was that” KP asked standing in the doorway arms cross over each other.

“ Janet. She has been calling and saying nothing. I’m worried “ I said looking up to him. He pushes himself off and wrap his arms around me and squeeze me tight. Tears fell onto his bare chest.

Master of Puppets began to blur though the tiny radio. Fiddling around I press onto the snooze buttons. KP was still sound asleep with his arms wrap around my small of my abdomen. Head in the crook of my neck snoring. I glance back and kiss his forehead smiling. The clock read blink 6:03. Taking his hand I slowly ease myself out of the embrace and out of bed. He snuggled into my pillow and started to snore once more. Flipping my alarm off grab my outfit I had plan night before and headed into the bathroom.

It still early so I decide to open the windows to let some fresh air in. After a few minutes, I hop in. I scrub some shampoo in my hair and hum this morning song to myself. I reach back and let the water hit my face run down to the rest of my body. Taking the dirt and worried away. A cheep cheep stops me as I tried to figure out what it was taking out last bit of conditioner. I felt something coming around me then more cheep cheep. I wipe my eyes to my surprise I saw a bird no five maybe more in the shower with me. I tried to move but more I did more they attack me two in my hair other hitting me with its wings. My breathing started to fall short as panic set it. I tried not to scream thinking to all the safety videos I would watch growing up but it didn’t work. I tried pushing away shooing them but still nothing. The anxiety got so bad that after trying to hold it in I scream. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. They kept attacking me this time pecking me over and over. Taking my hands I tried to push then away. Still, they came after me. I grab for the shower curtain tight trying to find some escape. AHHHHHHHHHHHHELP. With one last scream, the curtain I was holding onto with my dear life suddenly gave. Suddenly everything faded to black. The only thing I could hear was the birds still chirping. 

[heweightlossjourney]

Introductions

**PRO ANA, PRO MIA, AND THINSPO ACCOUNTS DO NOT INTERACT**

Hello to anyone reading this. I’m H and I’ve started this sideblog to document my weight loss and keep myself accountable. Let me start with a little backstory:

I have been overweight for as long as I can remember. I’ve never been super active, though I was on a couple sports teams at various points throughout my school life. I always overate as a kid and I still do it now. Eating has been a coping mechanism for me my entire life, and I would say that I am addicted to food. 

I have generally been okay being heavy, but bullying is a bitch and I know that other people’s perception of me affected me and made me a nasty bitch in middle school and high school. I wasn’t in a place to understand why I acted out until I was able to distance myself from my long term abusive boyfriend and my dad stopped drinking and got out of his abusive/toxic situation. Now, I understand the effects that the trauma in my life has had on me and I’m calmer and more level-headed, so I am in a good place to start working on my physical health in conjunction with my mental health. 

I know that my self-image right now isn’t healthy, and I am aiming to love my body. I am trying hard not to think of the things I might want after this, like skin removal surgery and breast reshaping, but it is hard not to imagine myself with a little sprucing up. While I don’t want to scrutinize over every flaw I have, I think the best way I can motivate myself to keep it up is taking note of my body and how I perceive certain areas, so I will update this with my reflection on how my body looks every so often. 

Over the time I have been not working because of COVID-19, I have gained weight, but I have also started keeping up with infamous obese youtubers like Amberlynn Reid and Foodie Beauty, and watching channels like Charlie Gold and Petty Kitten react to them. I would be lying if I said that it wasn’t a kick in the ass to not become as big as them, but also a motivator knowing that I will never be like that, I won’t allow myself to be like them, and that I am a better person than they are. I know that thinking like that is mean and cruel, but I am here to lose weight, not monetize my addiction and appeal to feeders while maintaining an attitude of entitlement and oblivion.

While we are at it, let me just name a few of my rock bottom moments:

- my abusive ex boyfriend calling me “Whaley”

- being too heavy to ride horses

- being too big for a ride at the fair and having to get off it in front of a ton of people in public

- my brother swiping the back of m head like a debit machine

- my ability to polish of a lot of food in one go

- my lack of stamina standing, walking, exercising, being on top during sex

- crushing my boyfriend when I lay on him

- being too big to fit into 3x clothing on websites like dollskill that actually sell some interesting clothing for bigger ladies

Without too much more delay, let’s get into the facts:

Age: 18

Height: 5′11

Starting Weight: 333 pounds

Current Weight: 329 pounds

Total Loss: 4 pounds

BMI: 45.9

BMI Goal: 25

Current Goal: 300 pounds by day 30

Day: 4

Health Concerns: Morbid Obesity, PCOS and Insulin Resistance, Lactose Intolerance, Depression, Anxiety, Food Addiction.

Diet Plan: OMAD (one meal a day) and intermittent fasting. 

The diet I have chosen to follow, OMAD, is one of many different diets I have tried over the course of my life. I have tried keto, I have tried vegetarianism, I have tried slimfast. The reason I have chosen this particular diet this time is because of the freedom to eat pretty much anything within the hour I set aside for myself to eat each day. It’s hard to fuck yourself up too much in an hour. After having done the diet for a few days, here is what I have noticed about it:

- I get hangry

- I am somewhat nocturnal and often sleep from 6am - 2pm, and it makes it so much easier

- The boost in energy after my feels like I am on top of the world, and the naps while digesting fuckin rock, sleepy is a good feeling when you have time set aside for it

- It is a lot of mental will power to look at my favourite foods and say no

- It is a lot of mental will power not to cram 3 meals into an hour

- It is hard to pick what I want for dinner

- Cravings hit hard

- Black Coffee is nasty

- It is easier not to consume dairy with OMAD, and not have diarrhea everyday is nice.

There are some things I have noted as well, like eating dairy at all is a big mistake. It is unpleasant to only feel full for a short period of time before violently emptying the contents of my digestive tract. The effects of lactose has on my body go so much quicker when it is the only thing I have in my body at the time. Lactaid is very hit and miss for me, and by the way the chewable tablets are actually the devil incarnate and I hate them. I have tasted vanilla in my life and that isn’t it. 

I chose this diet because my boyfriend does fasting as his preferred diet method, and while I wish I could fast all day, my job requires me to have energy and I am not a happy hungry lady. I intend to do OMAD long term, but may change it up slightly if I start to struggle when I get back to work. 

It should also be noted that I seriously do not recommend this diet to anyone who struggles with disordered eating (me), depression (me), anxiety (me), obesity (me), anyone who has an affliction that would make it safer for them to consume more than one meal a day (me), and people who have medications they need to take with food (me). This diet is not recommended by doctors for long term weight loss, my endocrinologist was frankly a bit shocked when I told her, and it can cause a host of problems included but not limited to:

- triggering of eating disorders

- lack of protein 

- excess of carbs

- diarrhea (thanks, really needed more of that)

- nausea

- dizziness

- weakness

- extreme fatigue

So let me go ahead here and describe a little bit about my health issues, namely my PCOS, or polycystic ovarian syndrome. PCOS is a hormonal disorder. It can cause increased levels of androgen in the body, increased hair, insulin resistance, excessive hair growth, male pattern baldness, weight gain, irregular periods, fertility problems, increase risk of developing type 2 diabetes, increase risk of high blood pressure and high cholesterol, acne and oily skin, depression, and sleep apnea, as well as increase the risk for endometrial cancers, and obviously, cause ovarian cysts. This disorder can be passed from mother to daughter, and I got it from my mom. I have been suffering with this for years.

The biggest effects on my body have been my weight, my depression, irregular periods and cysts. I currently have an IUD in place to help with the symptoms, but my periods are not even close to regular and are often brown in colour. Before hormonal birth control, I would have 2-3 periods per year that lasted about a month at a time. These periods were heavy and excruciatingly painful, and the clots I birthed were like jellyfish. I often lost enough blood to become anemic. 

It should be noted that my PCOS has caused me to be resistant to insulin, and that can make it hard to lose weight and also cause some brown discolouration on the skin, which I have had on my chest and neck. I remember my mom used to scrub at my neck thinking it was dirty when my neck first started becoming discoloured. 

I had my IUD placed in December of 2018, and the follow up ultrasound revealed a cyst on my right ovary that was 21cm x 21cm which required surgery. Due to that, a traumatic situation and my vegetarianism, I lost 30 pounds by March of 2019. 

I have also struggled most of my life with depression and anxiety and used food to cope. I am currently on medication for that. I also take Metformin to help with the effects of the PCOS.

Here I will give a short description on the areas of my body that bother me and what I would like to see improve. I will try to be objective about what I don’t like and I will be honest about the reasons I would like to improve. I will say now that many of these reasons are cosmetic and not necessarily health related.

Inner thighs: While my legs are one of my favourite parts of my body and are in general strong and shapely, my inner thighs have a pocket of fat near my pubic mound, and I can see it when I stand up or I can see it in the mirror from behind when I bend over. I am self conscious about this because I don’t like the way it looks/hangs, and it makes it hard to be present and immersed when I am having sex or see myself as attractive if I take a picture for my boyfriend. The goal for this area is to have less hang so I can feel more relaxed during sex and any time I bend over. I also don’t particularly enjoy the thigh holes in my jeans, or that I have trouble with any sort of thigh high sock rolling.

Pubic mound: I’m not even gonna bullshit here: I just want a normal looking vulva. That’s it. I want it to be easier to access my clit, I don’t want such a prominent camel toe when I wear pants, I’d like it to be easier for my boyfriend to go down on me. I have a nice inner vulva and I want the exterior to match. I also find it hard to shave the areas between my mound and my thigh, as holding it open is not easy. That groin area is also prone to skin yeast infections and pimples and blackheads, and while I admit that they are fun to pop, it would be nice if I did not have to deal with it. 

My stomach: My stomach hangs. Underneath of it is prone to those same pimples and skin yeast infections (canesten is really helpful for tinea cruris, by the way. Yeast infections are yeast infections.) and while I get some sick pops for r/popping, it isn’t attractive. My stomach is hairy and while that isn’t really totally weight related, it also isn’t cute. My belly button is often very hidden, and it would be nice to get down to a size that I could get it pierced like my mom has. The rolls of my stomach get pimples and the red marks from sitting all day are not cute and can get painful. I have the muffin top when I wear jeans, and while the look of my stomach in jeans is less than sexy, it actually doesn’t bother me all that much.I have trouble keeping up panties that are both too tight or too loose, and tights are always rolling down. If it doesn’t hit just above my waist while still being slightly tight, it isn’t even worth trying to wear at all. All my jeans and leggings are high-waisted, and a lot of them roll when I sit or bend over. As a nanny, that is a really big inconvenience, and I would like to be able to exist for an hour without having to pull up my goddamn pants/leggings/underwear/tights. God forbid I put on a garter belt. Clothes that are flattering are hard for find for obese women. I just want to wear pretty clothes and feel like a person. When I sit with my knees up, my stomach is Very Present, and I can feel it against my thighs and trying to press through the gap in the middle. It would be nice to not feel that way, and I hope that I can achieve a stomach that does not hang.

Rolls under breasts: These are real sons of bitches. Hot, hairy, red, pimply. The heat rash is real. About half to 3/4 the size of my actual breasts. They make finding a comfortable bra difficult, and I would be really happy if they got even half the size they are now. 

Breasts: I don’t necessarily have a weight issue with my tibblies, but they are underdeveloped underneath and I don’t really like the shape of them so much. I am on the waiting list to see a plastic surgeon about my options. There are certain things about my chest that I don’t like that are the fault of obesity however, like the dark marks on my chest because of resistance to insulin, but I will get more into that in a bit. I also don’t love boobne, but hey, acne, amirite ladies? 

My chin/neck situation: My ‘waddle’, as I so hatefully refer to it, is my least favourite part of my body. This makes me so upset. I think this is the only part of my body that I truly genuinely hate. If I could duct tape it back so I could look normal, I would. I often look at plus size and fat and obese women and think why do they have chins and necks that are ‘normal’ but not me? (spoilers: the answer is morbid obesity.) I would like to be able to wear a choker comfortably and without it being hidden by my neck. It is very hard to pop waddle pimples. I do have the insulin marks on my neck, and a dowager’s hump, which makes me feel weird if I look at it too long. I don’t like when it sticks out of my clothing, and it feels odd to look at it with a necklace on, or a choker or collar or anything like that.

My back rolls: You hate to see it, and it makes finding a bra in my size a pain. It is hard to hide them, and anything that is fitted to the boobs and then flares can exaggerate the look of them. I don’t look at them too often so it doesn’t always bother me, but they can be a pain with certain clothes. It also makes some clothes tight and restricting in a way they normally wouldn’t, like dresses or shirts that zip. Highly unpleasant, and I would like to have smoother back for cosmetic reasons. 

The back of my head: I shave the underneath of my head. I’ve had my entire head shaven before, I’ve had just the sides shaven. It would be nice to get to a place where there wasn’t a roll at the back of my head. It would also be nice if my brother hadn’t swiped a card through it, but only one of those things is achievable. 

My arms: I have pretty strong arms, my job requires lifting and I’ve never shied away from taking all the groceries in one trip. My arms are large but not huge. I would be happy with a little reduction in the ‘wing’ area and I would like to see my upper arms a little more streamlined when fully extended. I genuinely do have big bones, but it would be nice to be able to wear my bracelets more comfortably. 

My hands: For the longest time I have been upset about the idea of ‘fat people hands’. I don’t have huge fingers, but it would be nice to fit rings on a little easier. I have large hands, because I am a tall woman, but not really fat or chubby hands like one might think of when thinking of fat people hands. My knuckles are fairly well defined, though they have dimples when my hands are flat, and have had since I was little. I think they are cute to be honest. I do not have discolouration on my fingers or knuckles.

My face: I don’t have a ton of fat on my cheeks actually. I do have a round face, but I have dimple-like indentations under my cheekbones that clearly define them. It would be nice to be a slightly slimmer face and defined jawline - any attempt at a contour is just awful. I would like to have a less prominent chin and cheeks. 

So let’s talk for a bit about long term goals. I am trying to set goals for myself in chunks. I know that aiming to lose 100 pounds the first go around is highly unlikely to get me any sort of success and I know that breaking it up into smaller bits is less overwhelming and more motivating. I am seriously trying to be careful about rewarding myself with any kind of food. 

Realistically, I would like to see myself get into the ‘normal’ BMI range by this time next year. I also know that to do that, I would need to lose around 170 pounds. With OMAD, you can expect to lose between half a pound and one pound a day. I do not see myself losing 170 pounds in 170 days. I do not think it is healthy to lose that much in under 6 months, and I don’t think my skin would appreciate it either, nor do I think OMAD is sustainable for that long. The idea is to try and hold out with OMAD for about 3 and a half months, and in that time, with upkeep, exercise and discipline, I could lose around 100 pounds, but I think the responsible thing would be to hope for closer to 75 pounds. 

I would like to outline my goals here:

Current Goal: 300 pounds - 33 pounds lost - 41.8 BMI

Second Goal: 270 pounds - 63 pounds lost - 37.7 BMI

Third Goal: 240 - 93 pounds lost - 33.5 BMI

Fourth Goal: 210 - 123 pounds lost - 29.3 BMI

Fifth Goal: 180 - 153 pounds lost - 25.1 BMI

Final Goal: 160 - 173 pounds lost - 22.3 BMI

Knowing how much one can lose in x amount of time with OMAD, and assuming I kept with it for a year, it could take anywhere from 173 days to 346 days to reach my final goal. I know that I won’t lose the same amount every day, and I know that it will be hard to keep it off once I reach my goal. 

I also know that I will need to take vitamins and supplements to make sure I don’t lose anything during this time. 

I am trying not to set deadlines for when I would like to reach my goals, though ideally I would be losing about 20 pounds a month. There are some important dates that I am hoping to have lost a certain amount for, however, and based on how much I might expect to lose and some basic math, I have deemed it pretty feasible to do.

I return to work around July 6th. It is currently May 30th. In 37 days I am hoping to have reached my first goal of 33 pounds lost. I lost 4 pounds in 3 days, and I hope to keep up that pace. 

The other date that I am hoping to have lost weight for is my birthday, which is August 31st. In 93 days I am hoping to have met my second goal of 63 pounds lost. I am turning 19 and very excited to celebrate.

For a little in-depth at what I am doing as far as my meal, I am eating a normal supper for me, a snack and a dessert. I am not counting calories. I’ll give some examples of what I have eaten at this time.

Day 1: Gnocchi bake with chicken, gummies, a chocolate bar, a little bit of bread and an iced tea. I made the bake with a package of sundried tomato gnocchi, one chicken breast, an olivieri package of rose sauce, like 2-3 tablespoons of herb and garlic cream cheese and onion. It was so good.

Day 2: I had the 4 bites of leftovers and some cheese bread, an iced tea, chicken strips, fries, a bite of fish, and some coleslaw. This day I felt sort of weak in the evening and so I had a fried egg sandwich with a cheese slice, mustard and mayo.

Day 3: I GUZZLED water all day long, like 4-5 bottles of water. I had crackers, the middle of a cinnamon bun, chicken strips and fries again, coleslaw and then some cake (I was celebrating a family birthday). My pee has never been so clear, let me just tell you.

One of the good things about this diet is being able to have whatever I would like as my meal for the day. I am an excellent cook (friend, family, teacher, boyfriend’s family and boyfriend approved, being fat has helped me master the kitchen) and I love doing it, so I can really get creative with my meal.

I come from a diet family, and so I am definitely supported on this diet, and my boyfriend is doing it with me, because misery loves company. Overall, I do feel hungry, but I feel satisfied with what I am doing and I have a lot more will power than I thought I did before, so I am proud of myself in that regard.

During my fasts, I try to only consume water and black coffee, which I take iced so it doesn’t nerf me with the flavour. Chewing gum is also quite helpful. My eating period is between 7p-8p, or 7p-8:30p, but that may change overtime as my sleep and activity schedule changes in the coming months.

I do not make promises on diets as a rule, but because of the nature of this diet I have made myself a promise that I will listen to my body. If I need a meal, I will eat one. If what is best for me is splitting my eating hour into two 30 minute eating periods a day for energy, especially while I work, then that is what I will do. 

Like I said, the goal is to check in every day with what I ate, my general feelings and if I am changing anything, and then I will try to do a weigh in weekly, and every couple of weeks update any changes I notice in the areas I mentioned earlier that bother me as a fat person. 

‘Til next time,

H

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #272

“i don’t care what you have to say - it makes no difference / it’s all because of you, we’re fuckin’ infamous.”

How many children are in your family? I have a big extended family, so uh... and what is the age cutoff for "children?" My simplest answer is three, that being my older sister's kids, but I do have a half-sister with some young-ish children, but I know none of them. Oh, and my other half-sister has kids too, but again, they're not that young, and the youngest son I've never met. What is something you and your parents used to argue over often? Money. What was your first word? "Dada." A fast food restaurant that you hate with a passion? Arby's is fucking disgusting. Give me a song that is underestimated/not well known. Probably like half of Otep's songs. "Lords of War" comes to mind first. Which one of your friends knows everything about you? Sara knows the most. Who is your favorite teacher that you have this year? N/A Have you ever solved a Rubik’s Cube? No, I don't have that kind of patience. Like I've fiddled with 'em before if they're right at my disposal and I'm just sitting and waiting or something, but I've never gotten far. Who do you think is the easiest to talk to? It depends on what I'm talking about, but probably Sara. Or Mom, idk. Do you have a favorite metal band or do you not like metal? Ozzy, of course. Metal is my favorite genre. Are you talking to anyone right now? No. What’s your favorite kind of science? Genetics. Do you walk home or take a bus? From school? Well I'm not in school anymore, but for almost the entire time I was, my mom drove me and picked me up. I only took a bus for some of Jason's junior and all of his senior year to his house afterwards. Who did you last go to the movies with? My dad, I think. If you could see anyone (dead or alive) in concert, who would you pick? I'd probably choose Metallica so long as my mom could come. She laughed/cried hysterically when she found out they were finally coming here I think two years ago, but we couldn't go. She fucking adores Metallica, maybe more than I do Ozzy. She's always said that she only needs three things in life: God, her babies, and Metallica. Who’s the cutest person you know? Define "cute." The cutest fucking thing I have EVER seen was Sara when we went to a reptile expo together; she was a kid in Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. I could not stop smiling at her, jc. "Cute" as in who I feel most fits the traditional definition, my old friend Alon. I think I'll always answer "Alon" to questions like this lmao. How about the funniest? GIRT. Oh my FUCKING god, Girt. I've had my biggest and most frequent laughs with that guy. Have you ever had acne? I sure did going through puberty. It wasn't the worst in the world, but I definitely had it. Where is your biggest scar located? I think the scar from my surgery, but I can't see it so I can't *really* tell? Look up what a pilonidal cyst is to figure out where that's at, oof. Where did your last hug take place? A hotel room. Recently, Mom, my sisters, and I saw my grandmother for probably the last time. She was with her husband and Mom's brother passing through. She's quit chemo for pancreatic cancer as now it's just become unbearable, and it's obvious she doesn't have much time left. It was... weird, seeing her in such a skin-and-bone, very frail state. We've had a rocky relationship, but I'm going to miss her regardless. What is your current desktop picture? My favorite picture of Teddy. Do you still think of that Gwen Stefani song when you spell "bananas?" HA HA yes! Do you like the way your hair naturally is, or do you change it? I love how healthy my hair is, but I'm definitely not a fan of how quickly it becomes oily. And I wish it knew how to hold some damn dye. Do you know anyone who died accidentally by doing something stupid? Not personally, but yes. How many different languages have you taken in school? First I took Latin, but I SUCKED at it, and then I took German for four semesters and loved it. If your cell phone broke, would your parents make you pay for a new one? No, considering I don't have a source of income. Are your parents still married? No. Are you in a monogamous relationship? Not currently, but I'd only go into one that's monogamous. Have you ever met your favorite band? No. Have you ever drawn on someone's face while they were sleeping? No, I'm not an asshole. Have you ever fallen down a hill? No, but I've certainly rolled down them as a kid. Would you scuba dive in shark-infested waters if you had the chance? I hate the term "shark-infested." It's where they live. But anyway, I don't think I'd swim with sharks, but maybe. What is your favorite slow song? BRO idk there's so many. Do you believe in karma? No. If there were aliens on earth, would you be afraid? It would depend on their demeanor. If your best friend died, would you be able to speak at their funeral? I'd sure as hell want to, but I'd have a hard time getting through it. Are your pets asleep? Roman is probably snoozing by the window in the living room, and Venus probably is, given she's nocturnal. Have you ever wished you were an only child? No. Have you ever hurt someone on purpose? As a kid I got in huge trouble for smacking my sister before. As an adult I haven't. What is your current favorite song? I'm pretty obsessed with NateWantsToBattle's cover of "Feel Good Inc." Is there something you do on a regular basis, that you don’t enjoy doing? Why? The person I copied this from answered "shower" and big same. Like of course I do it, but boy do I hate it. It's a chore to me and especially when I'm depressed, I'll put it off. Have you ever felt jealous of anyone else’s success? Yes. When it comes to success, I can be very envious. Never in a hateful way/wishing the person wasn't where they were at, but nevertheless, still envious. Who did you last speak to in person? Mom. Have you ever had a one-night stand? If you have, did you regret it afterwards? Never had one, don't plan to. Have you ever done something that you said you’d NEVER do? Yes. What was the last thing you asked for help with? Who did you go to for help? Uhhh... probably something from Mom, though I don't remember what. I've avoided that since she's recovering from surgery. Who was the last person to text you? Sara! If your significant other had several other sexual partners before you, how much would that bother you? Would you worry about being compared to the others? How many previous sexual partners do you think is acceptable? If they were serious relationships genuinely based on love, it wouldn't - to a degree. I have to be honest with myself and say like if my s/o had a large number of past sexual partners at our age, I'd be wary about their loyalty and dedication to one person. Idk what I'd consider "too many" exactly. For me, maybe like... six? Who was the last person of the opposite sex to send you a message on Facebook? What if you had a baby with that person? My friend Ian, and whoa buddy, we're just above acquaintances. How many people of your preferred sex have hurt you? Just one seriously. Have your friends ever talked to you about the forms of contraception they use? What form of contraception do you prefer? It's been casually mentioned, sure. I'm not sexually active so don't take any right now, but if I was, I'd be on birth control and demand condom usage because FUCK the chances of getting pregnant. If you told your parents that you were going to be a parent, how do you think they would react? I think they'd both be terrified for me. I have NO business raising a kid when I'm barely a proper adult. They'd also be confused as fuck about who the dad would be. You find out that the person you love/like is having a child with someone else. What do you say? If I found out somehow that Jason was going to be a dad, I can 100% GUARANTEE you I would faint, vomit, and have an emotional breakdown. Literally all three. I wouldn't be able to "say" anything. If I found out Sara was, I'd be pretty speechless and beyond terrified for her. When was the last time you said something and thought “Why the hell did I say that?” What exactly did you say, and who did you say it to? How did the person react? Hm. It's funny, I'm both very impulsive with what I can say if I'm upset or angry, but otherwise I seriously think twice about what's coming out of my mouth. I can't remember the last time the former happened. NO WAIT. So my chronic nightmares/terrors, right? A few days ago I woke up from one growling, "I'll break your fucking neck too, bitch," and it was to my very own mother, as she was choking me for some reason I don't remember. I was disgusted when I woke up. In these nightmares, I am SO much more aggressive than I actually am and it really scares me. It's gotten to the point that I'm genuinely scared of what I may be capable of. Who was the last person outside of family that told you they loved you? Sara. What song reminds you of your first boyfriend/girlfriend? My first real one, holy fucking shit, a lot. For where we currently stand, "Another Life" by Motionless In White haunts me. Not only is it his favorite band, but the lyrics just scream him and me. It's one of those that sometimes makes me tear up. I hate that I love that song. Outside of family, who were the last three girls you talked to? Sara, Summer, and Chelsea, I think. Outside of family, who were the last three guys you talked to? Uhhh Ian, my grandma's husband (he's not my actual grampa), and my sister's husband, probably, or nephew. Who is/was your strictest teacher in school? Mrs. P-something in 7th grade. I didn't not like her, she was just very strict. Have you ever felt so ill that you literally didn’t know what to do? Oh yeah, emotionally at least. At your part of the world, is it summer now? Yes, ew. What’s the warmest it can get over there? How about the coldest? Around 110*F; coldest, around... sub-20*F on rare days. Is there a bad habit you’re trying to break right now? I need to lay off the soda. Is it easy to find a job in your preferred field in your home town? FUCK no. Have you ever played the original Mass Effect trilogy? Nope. Have you ever made jewelry? The kiddy kinds with beads and stuff, yeah. Which app do you use the most on your phone? Umm Facebook or Dragons of Atlantis. Did you learn to play an instrument as a kid? If so, which one? In elementary school, we all learned the recorder. From middle school to my junior high school year, I played the flute. What is the best part of your most ordinary day? I don't even know anymore. If you learned that you suddenly needed an aid of some sort to do something that you normally don’t need (glasses, hearing aid, etc.) Would you comply or would you put it off until there was no choice anymore? It would definitely depend on the issue and its severity. What’s the strangest saying you’ve come across? Please tell me it's not just the South that says "it's colder than a witch's titty" lmao. Do you read any web comics? No. Which social media platform do you use the most, if any? Facebook. Which game did you play the most as a kid during recess? Does anyone remember "Four Square?" I don't even remember the rules, but my friends and I played it all the time. Are you one of those lucky people to own a walk-in closet? No, not that I need one honestly. Is there a random object you own that has a huge personal significance? I’ve told the story of my pebble from my partial hospitalization program many times. Besides that, something really random? Uhhh. There’s probably something, seeing as a lot of the things I keep mean something deep to me, but I don’t know about another truly strange one. Are you one of those people who chew two pieces of gum, not one? Usually. Do you have a wall calendar? In the kitchen. Have you ever been to Canada? No, but totally serious, I want to move there. I just realistically won’t because I don’t want to leave my family. Do you believe in superstitions? Nope. When was the last time you took a taxi somewhere? I’ve never been in a taxi. Would you ever join the army, airforce or navy? Hell no. How old is the person you last kissed? 22. What was the most embarrassing thing you've had to buy? Nothing. Have you ever mistaken a person's gender? Yes. What was the most expensive thing you've broken? I don’t know. Have you ever been in a car accident? Yes, but thankfully it wasn’t severe. Can you focus well in high-stress situations? FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK NO. Without the aid of mascara, do you have long eyelashes? Yes. I think I’ve shared before that in 9th grade, my teacher like deadass stopped her lecture just to point that out lmaoo. Is there anyone you dread going into public with? Not generally. It can sometimes happen with Dad just because he’s brutally honest and doesn’t have a filter, but it’s more like a discomfort than dread. Are you easily frightened? It depends on the situation. In most instances, yes. Do you have a favorite model? No. What's your current facebook display picture of? It’s just a headshot of me with my skull necklace and a tank top. Is there anyone whose hair you envy? Peoples’ whose actually hold color. >_> Have you ever dated someone who was extremely shy? No, I’m the shy one. Or have you dated someone who took things too fast? Yes. Do you or anyone you know have an account on Deviantart? I have one, and I know a few other people who do. Do you listen to Daughtry? Not really, except “No Surprise.” Do you get your eyebrows waxed? Not anymore. Is there a pet that you desperately want? A tarantula, preferably a Brazilian Black. I’ve gotten soooo into tarantulas, but it’s a “hell no” from Mom about having one in her house. Would you ever get your bellybutton pierced? No. My stomach isn’t “pretty” and I know it sure wouldn’t look flattering. Are you one of those people who are always pushing their limits? I wish I could say yes. Have you ever made a totally amazing snow fort? No. I didn’t have the patience for that as a kid. All we really made out of snow were snowmen and balls to throw. If you draw, what's one thing you always have trouble with? Proportions. Is there someone you know moving away any time soon? I don’t believe so. Is there a garbage can in the room you’re currently in? No. Have you ever been snorkeling? No. Who was the last person you apologized to? Mom, probably. Do you throw things when you’re frustrated? No. People who throw shit scare me. Do you prefer sharks or dolphins? Dolphins. Before meerkats, they were my favorite animal. What was the last piece of furniture you purchased? Purchased, I don’t know. A lot of what we have now is second-hand. Has anyone ever told you that you are too picky when it comes to the people you date? What about not picky enough? No one has said either. When was the last time you went to a bar? Never. What three things would you change about your life? Number one, be mentally stable. Two, my body. Three, be financially stable. Was there anything unusual or unique about your birth? There was an ice storm that Dad had to drive through lmao. What was the best conversation you’ve had recently? Man, idk. I don’t talk a lot to begin with. What is the next book you are going to read? Wings of Fire: The Dark Secret should come in the mail today!! :’) Describe the hardest decision you have ever made. I had to choose to either let Jason go or keep him in my heart until it killed me/I killed myself. I can almost 100% absolutely promise you if my life was continued how it was in 2016, I would NOOOOOOOT still be here. I think it’s pretty clear by now some scars are buried too deep to heal, seeing as he is literally faintly on my mind every day, but at least I know how to be happy without someone who didn’t believe in my strength. Why did you last see the doctor? I thought I broke my foot. Turns out I just tore a ligament, but badly. I think it’s been… one and half-two months and it’s only JUST starting to feel truly better. Day one, I couldn’t even walk. Days after, I had to have help. Then for weeks it was nothing but walking at a snail’s pace on the side of my foot. I’m so surprised it wasn’t broken. Post a recent picture of yourself. WOW what timing considering I took a picture yesterday, and I barely ever take any. I EVEN PUT MAKEUP ON!!!

[iggysmice]

a cautionary tale on making sure you stay sort of clean even when super depressed

tl;dr i got a medical problem that could’ve been avoided if i had managed to like, stay even sort of clean.

this is a readmore block because ~fuck~ mobile amirite bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

so i’ve been off my meds for a couple months now because i lost the bottle and insurance wouldn’t cover a new one for a while because that’s how insurance is and i don’t just have $50 to go buy medicine that i lost like a dumbass ok

so i’ve been very off-kilter and crabby and generally not wanting to do anything but sleep and listen to control by halsey on loop

so like, three-ish weeks ago i noticed a painful swollen area under my right arm, and im like “well we here at iggy’s body, home of Adult Acne and Questionable Hygeine get skin eruptions all the time it’ll go away in a few days but Ow for now i guess”

It got more painful so i go to aly (bless her) and go “hey look at my arm” and she goes “wow that’s a lotta skin eruption” and im like “yeah it hurts like a bitch please help” so we get dr aly in the 24 hour uninsulated bedroom to heat sterilize a needle with a bic and poke at the eruptions a little to see what we could do. (btw if any kids are reading this don’t do that we’re stupid tell your parents and go see a doctor)

in the end we decide to leave it alone and wrap it with a wad of toilet paper and an ace bandage to try and minimize the pain while it works itself out. i lived. with this thing. for two weeks. it just got steadily more painful. sometimes it would leak gross bloody stuff onto the toilet paper. once we got a really gross solid lump out of there. aly almost threw up. just touching the area near it sent me into Convulsions of pain. ibuprofen kind of dulled it for a while but that shit causes stomach damage so i didn’t wanna take too much of it.

so i called my grandma like “hey i need a ride to urgent care i can take the bus but i’m in a lot of pain and would rather not” and then dozed for another few hours. cut to me resisting the urge to write “ARM HURTY” in big letters on my paperwork at the urgent care clinic and hoping i can at least get some pain medicine so i can go home and go to sleep for a while. i stare into space and my brain is just “BAD LIP READING- Seagulls! (STOP IT, NOW) 10 hour remix”

they keep checking my blood pressure and i’m internally like “why is my blood so important my Arm is the Hurt Part” and then the doctor finally comes back and asks me if i drove there myself.

“i don’t drive, my grandma took me she’s waiting outside.” i responded in my usual manner of giving way too much information when one phrase will do.

“right well that looks pretty nasty and we can’t find your blood pressure so i’m gonna transfer you to the providence er because you should be there if it’s a systemic infection.”

i text my grandma and assure her i can get myself there if this is not the kind of commitment she wants to make at noon on a monday but she’s fine with driving me. i ask if we can stop at my house first so i can get my phone charger because er waits are long and my phone is almost dead. i’m already thinking how i won’t bother my parents with this because they’re both at work and im getting proper medical attention.

i get out to my grandma’s big ass old lincoln towncar and she’s just,, loudly into her phone “HEY YEAH HELLO KEN ITS YOUR MOM IM TAKING IGGY TO THE ER SOMETHUNG ABOUT BLOOD PRESSURE” and im like great this is What I Didn’t Want which is absolutely on brand for my grandma she doesn’t like. think.

we pick up aly and my phone charger and we go up to the other end of the city at now about 12:30 and i Really just want a nap and am considering bailing on the ER because i hate the ER and am tired.

Aly had to check in her pocketknife at the security counter because she forgot she had it in her purse so i was unsupervised again. the wall behind the reception desk wobbled a bit as i stared and waited for a receptionist to come. i kept glancing back at aly to assure myself that she was ok and there. the receptionist looked mildly concerned when i randomly brought up that the hospital would be a terrible place to be in a zombie outbreak. she then agreed with me. i considered this a victory for some reason.

a nurse looked my wound over and i went “yeah i haven’t slept in a while please help. also don’t touch it”

she left the room and i told aly that they’d probably use lidocaine or something if they had to manipulate it too much so i wasn’t that worried.

the doctor came in and told me she was going to firmly feel it and try to get a swab of the gunk inside to make sure i don’t have MRSA and im like “ok just be Careful please” and she just GRABS it and im like “HEY WOW OUCH WHY” and she swabs it and leaves and i just look at aly like “...fuck lidocaine i guess”

I end up with antibiotics, some wound dressing supplies and a painkiller that is like advil but not as damaging to my organs because they think that a zit or cluster of them got out of control and i had a multi-headed pocket of staph in my armpit now.

when i got home i looked at my paperwork and discovered that this entire time i’d been running a fever of about 100F and nobody had thought to mention that i had a fever or seemed like i did. the dressings were gross and full of bloody pus for a few days, the medicine made me throw up one morning and now i have a cold because of how much the antibiotics tanked my immune system around my parents and aly who all work with the public.

in conclusion wash your sweaty bits even if you’re depressed.

hey if you were rapidfire scrolling past this this is the end fuck mobile

[ill-skillsgard]

Phoenix Rising, Part 1 - Valter Skarsgård

Title: Phoenix Rising

Description: The struggle for domination is paved with deceit and destructive lust as two enemies battle it out for control night after night.

Warning: 18+ swearing/mentions of rape/violence/femdom/DDLG leanings

A/N: This is the first and only series I’ve written with Valter in it so far. One day I will finish it. This is for all the babies riding that V train with me who miss this story. Enjoy!

I was down to my last round of bullets. The gun in my hand was a pistol and ill-suited for long distance shots. With my back up against a stone wall, I breathed in deeply and weighed my options; I could either stay there and have him come hunting for me or I could peek out from my cover to try to get a glimpse of exactly where he was located. Both options posed significant causes for a quickened heartbeat. On one hand, I could wait it out and test his patience which could buy me some time to think of a better plan, or on the other, I could risk having a bullet put in my head while I tried to put one in his. Whatever decision I made I had to make it quickly. I couldn't be sure what kind of guns he had left. For all I knew, he could have had himself a precision sniper rifle with a magnifying scope pointed right at the corner I wanted to steal a glimpse out from. If that were the case I knew that half my skull would get blown off if I risked it. But if he was left with slim pickings as I was, perhaps his accuracy wasn't all too good either. Then it became a game of luck. I knew I was just as good a marksman as him but I wasn't sure if I would be quick enough. I felt my heart start to thump loudly in my chest as I readied my gun in my hand. "Come on, bitch. Where are you, huh? Don't be scared. I'm just going to blow your head off!" I listened to him yell. His voice had an accent in it that I couldn't quite place. I gritted my teeth. Everything I wanted to say to him involved different ways that I would mutilate his genitals if I were to ever get ahold of him. If I wasn't so nervous I would have replied with how badly I wanted to shove the edge of a knife in his dickhole and give it a twist. I was better than that though, or at least I liked to tell myself. No, I would have to keep my cool until the right moment. The moment that would realize my death or be one of the most important kills of my career. "Come out, girlie. I want to see you!" He yelled and made kissing noises at me as though he were trying to beckon a pussycat from it's hiding place. "Fuck you!" I finally fired back. "Maybe I'll fuck your dead corpse." I turned my body around so that my chest was almost to the wall. Raising the gun, taking aim and preparing myself to dart out from the corner, I drew in a deep breath through my nose as a practice run. On the exhale of the next breath was when I would make my move. I couldn't hide from him forever. Once I let my lungs deflate fully for the second time, I stepped out from behind cover and saw him peeking over the mangled hood of a wrecked car. Perfect. I unloaded three shots and the recoil almost made me shut my eyes but I didn't and I held my aim as steady as possible as I dove out from behind the stone wall. I rolled low after firing and heard him yell at me. Then everything went red.

YOU WIN.

"Ha! Fuck you bitch boy! Shot you right in your fucking face!" I yelled at the TV screen. "Fuck you. Noob. Stupid bitch, you sound like you're twelve." "I still fucking raped your throat, you little bitch. Fuck! You!" I jumped up and down on my couch and laughed, the controller still in hand as the load screen to the online lobby came up, effectively cutting off our communication. I had finally won a match against Vscars. The victory was so sweet and I knew it was going to look really good after the new ranking loaded. The guy's voice kept ringing in my ears and it sounded so sweet. He was always very high up in the leaderboard fighting for the third place spot with a couple of other players that spent nearly all their time playing every day. I didn't have the time to devote to it but I had steadily worked my way up from the bottom of the leaderboard to a respectable place at about fifteenth. The more I played through the more I was determined to get myself higher up on the board. I managed to get pretty good at the gameplay and started rising higher. Then, once I broke the top ten, I started to hear the voices of the Agents of Carnage Elite. It was just a bunch of guys that sat around and played all day and night and nothing but narcissistic and sexist things to say the entire time. I liked to keep my mic off while playing but I always listened to my opponents. Their misogynistic conversations became fodder for my fiery need to vanquish them. They were all so stupid and immature-sounding and I longed to destroy them. Vscars was well-known for being nearly impossible to beat. There were three players always at the very top of the leaderboard and it was him and two other guys with just as shitty attitudes. Over the jobless days and nights, I focused on getting better and better until I was pitted against Vscars. The first few games we played he had killed me easily. I almost stood no chance against him. But he was a predictable player and I quickly caught wind of his strategy. He knew the boards well and obviously knew where all the best hiding spots were and in turn, the best hiding spots to observe said hiding spots. He would stoop down and just wait for somebody to unknowingly set up shop at one of the prime lookout locations and always found himself the sniper rifle. He would just sit there and wait, looking through the scope until he knew where you were. Then he would just shoot once when you lined up with his sight and that was it. His silly little strategy couldn't work all the time and I had finally cornered him on the board. I could still hear his stupid voice echoing in my head even as I took off my headset and logged off for the night. It was earlier than usual for me but I knew I needed to get a good night's sleep if I was going to wake up early enough to do my hair and my make up instead of one or the other. The next day I had a job interview at a store that I had been going to my whole life. It was a little shop in the corner of a plaza that specialized in buying and selling video games. It wasn't a big chain gaming store though and that was the charm of it. It was a family-owned and operated business that specialized in retro gaming. I had been trying to get a job there for the better half of my teen years and had finally landed an interview at the age of twenty-two. By that point, I still wasn't convinced that wanting a job at a video game store was for teenagers. It was more than just that. It was a store packed wall-to-wall with vintage gaming memorabilia, collectible toys, fan merchandise, and newer generation games too. Naturally, I was excited about the interview and just hoped that didn't try to challenge my knowledge of old school video games. Still feeling confident from my epic victory in Agents of Carnage from the night before, I wondered if I could bring that up as a selling point of my resume. Laughing, I dismissed the thought. The idea of sitting in front of a potential employer trying to explain to them that I had beaten one of the best players on the world leaderboard of a video game seemed silly. Yet once I was seated in front of the interviewer, I remarked that he seemed like somebody who might actually be impressed by trivial gaming prowess. Either that, or he would have a snarky remark about how it was probably just a chance shot and that the maneuver I had pulled off was nothing but luck. He had thick horn-rimmed glasses on and the speckles of scarring from a years-long battle with acne sprayed over his gaunt cheeks. He definitely fit the typical gaming nerd description. "So what would make you say you are qualified to work in this store?" He asked, trying to sound intimidating but failing in anyone's eyes but his own. Well... " I started. "I play a lot of retro games. I have an almost ninety percent completed NES collection. I like games a lot. I feel like I would be a good addition to the team because... Well, I know a lot about old-school gaming." "What about new-school gaming? Are you up on your knowledge of new releases because that's what we find people are most interested in this day and age. Not much need for people who only play classic Nintendo." I squirmed in the padded chair uncomfortably at first but then straightened my spine and asserted, "oh, I am very knowledgeable about new games. I play everything Bethesda releases and right now I'm in the top ten on several leaderboards on some popular games." "Really? Like what?" "Um... Agents of Carnage?" "You're in the top of the leaderboard on Agents of Carnage? What's your gamer tag?" "PhoenixRising. Last time I checked I was sixth." "Hm," he mused with a lame shrug. "Guess I should try that game out. You're the third person today to mention it." "It's pretty good," I said meekly. "Well, I can see here that you have other retail experience but we have a very tailored approach to selling. You will find that it's not so much like a regular store with customers coming in knowing what they want. You will have to work hard to sell things and it definitely makes a difference whether you do or not." "So, does that mean you want to hire me?" The interviewer's magnified eyes dropped down from my face to my chest and then quickly shot back up. "Uh, I guess so. I have to hire two people by noon and," he paused to look at his watch. "It's almost noon so... Sure. You can come in on Monday for orientation and the beginning of your training." "Awesome! Um, should I wear anything specific?" "Black pants and black shoes. You'll be given a t-shirt later." "Cool! Can't wait. Thanks!" I enthused, standing up and thrusting my hand out for him to take. "Uh, wait, what's your name again?" He asked as he shifted through the papers that comprised my resume. "Phoenix. I just go by Nix though. For obvious reasons." "Yeah... Like the bird." "Yeah," I snorted. "Like the bird." After the positive conclusion of my interview, I left the back room that I had been shown to with palpable confidence. That was until I noticed somebody sitting in the chair that I had sat in before my interview started. He looked like he was there for an interview as well with a grey collared shirt and black jeans. He had this pout on him that made it look like maybe he wasn't exactly happy to be there but as I walked through I saw the corner of his lips tug. He ran his fingers through the blonde hair framing his face and it all fell back down pointlessly. I couldn't help but smirk too as I passed by him. When I got home I felt like the only way to celebrate getting the job that I wanted was by sitting on the couch, turning on my TV and putting on my headset. When I logged in, all of my recently played games popped up including a notification in my inbox. I cocked my head subconsciously as it was a rare occasion I got messages from other players.

Lucky shot. Let's see you do that again I instantly deleted the message from my inbox because I usually wasn't one to engage with other players but the fact that he had reached out to me to call me out made me grind my teeth behind closed lips. I sat there on the couch with my controller in my hand wondering if I should even entertain him by sending him something back. After all, he was one of the best players on our server and I was just some girl who wanted to prove that she could beat any guy. Now he wanted to initiate a war and I wasn't sure if I could replicate my win from the night before. After a while to think about it I chose to simply ignore him and started playing something else for a little while. Once I grew bored of the game it was close to dinner time and I had to sign off to meet up with a friend anyway. I saved, logged out of my game and saw that there was another notification in my inbox. My chest tightened. "What the fuck?"  I whispered to myself as I opened my inbox.

pussy. I was just about ready to whip my controller at the TV but I stopped myself. There was something about his persistence that got me thinking about replying to him. I didn't want to just blatantly insult him but I didn't want him to think he could just go around sending vulgar messages to people just because he got beat. 

This pussy beat you. Sorry. Get over it. Instead of turning off the console as I had initially planned, I logged onto Agents of Carnage and saw that he was there too. It didn't take long for me to sit in the lobby before I got a challenge notification.

Vscars wants to challenge you! Accept? Deny? I automatically denied the challenge because I knew it would show up as a notification for him right away and it would either drive him crazy or help him take the hint that I had no desire to play with him again. I didn't log in at all, simply waited for another message from him. Instead, I got a friend request.

Vscars has added you as a friend. Accept? Deny? Scoffing to myself, I scrolled over to hit deny but instead chose to accept. "Oh, fuck," I whispered. It was too late at that point. I had accepted his friend request and that meant he could look through all of my achievements and see exactly what kind of gamer I was. That would mean he could see that I had hundred-percent completed a lot of girly RPG games and that meant I would have to prepare myself for more derogatory statements about being female.

Come on, pussycat. Let's play? Biting my lip, I decided to finally write back to him.

I'm busy. Go play with your little friends on AoC. There was almost no time in between my reply and his. I couldn't believe he was so determined to challenge me again.

But I want 2 play with U pussycat. Was this weird foreign guy getting off on my degradation toward him? It was hard to tell if he was engaging me or mocking me. But before I could go any further my cell phone started ringing and I could see it was my friend calling, probably to ask me what time I would be ready for dinner. I answered the call as I signed off completely, turned the TV off and scrambled to my room to change out of my interview clothes.

[madd-devil]

“Most of the time, people would look down to me because I was just average…” The teenage girl started as she stared in a boring way a globe and playing with it. “Or they would just tell me what I had to do, all the fucking damn time!” She cursed as she destroyed the precious thing.

Michael looked at her, understanding what she meant by that.

“What do you want me to do then?” He asked, unsure of why she brought him back to the land of the living.

“I need a smart and a excellent scientist for a… project.” She announced as she turned around to face him with a smirk.

“You in?” Michael sensed that the girl had a cruel project and somehow it appealed him. She, after all, told him she will release him in his dimension when all will be over and that she would help him to reign on the galaxy. She promised it and he trusted her so of course, he said that he wanted to work with her.

Was she evil? Yes. But were her actions justified? Yes. She had gone in a crazy and insane state after this argument with her family, went for a walk in the forest and decided to explore the deep woods. There, she had found those strange stones, which gave her powers! She was basically a goddess now and she loved it. She could travel to different worlds, realms or dimensions, she saved people, some worshipped her! Also, she brought people back to the living because she knew they would obey her. She entered the bedroom, a pleased smile on her face. She was dressed in her leather jacket that she loved the moment she saw, a black shirt, black jean and her dear red doctor Martens boots… She had a new collar with teethes and spikes in it. Her short brown wavy hair that she had angrily cut one night, earning by the way a scold from her divorced parents, her eyes were darker but she loved them now. She still had her acne scars but… she found herself more beautiful, once she went to the dark side… She snickered crazily as she went on the balcony, observing the people who worked for her below. She smirked when she heard the door opening and she immediately guessed who it was. She waited for him to approach and Luke put his hands behind his back, dressed in his finest suit. He formerly worked for the Joker in Suicid Squad but how he worked for her.

“Michael says that there were a lot of damages on the Flying Death, boss.” The man said. “But he can manage to make it fly again.” She nodded, hearing those good news.

“Perfect.” She pronounced. “You can return to the Center now. And please, I would like to be alone for now but if the gang has to make a round somewhere, I would like to go so please, notify me if they do so. I want to show those people who their leader are…” “Of course boss.” Luke exited the room as Naomie went back and closed the doors of the balcony. She laughed insanely as she approached a golden globe of the Earth and she started to play with it as she sang. “How it all began, if truth be told? Had a master plan; now I rule the world…” She let go of the globe for the giant map on the table and she circled it with a content smile. “Took them by surprise, worked my way uphill. They looked into my eyes; I became invincible…” She sang as she started to smirk. She stopped abruptly, clenching her fists with a insane smile on her face.

“No one can stop, for I am in control! If you want me you'd better contact my people! In my crown I am king, I love their endless worshiping. I am raw, a dinosaur, but I will never be extinct! So don't mess with me; I'll shoot you down… Don't mess with me…”

As she was walking in the dark and miserable main street where the peasants and some noble people were, she smirked evilly as she passed a beaten up angel who was begging mercy… that she didn’t give. Everyone gasped when they saw the head of the man rolling on the ground. Then, a young and handsome man was staring at them, completely revolted by what just happened. With her charming voice, Naomie came over him, swinging her hips a little.

“Show me sex appeal, get on your hands and knees, forget about the meal, it's best to keep me pleased…” She caressed the cheek of the man who was trying to resist but could not. “Imagine if you will, our meet on the block, I've got time to kill, so how about a quick fuck?” She whispered in his ear as the boy face grew red but he quickly gave in. Some times after, the gang was waiting for her and she patted the boy cheek with a gloomy smile.

“I've come, it's been fun but won't you please disappear? Something tells me that you can't further my career…” After she told him that, she went back to the gang and they headed back to the castle they established themselves in. She spun around in her room, happy to be back and to had make out with some random boy. She knew that the old, kind and gentle Naomie would never do this, because she didn’t like having sex, hooking up with a stranger but thanks to having those powers, now it changed her mind. It was weird but she did not cared.

“In my crown I am king, I love their endless worshiping! I am raw, a dinosaur, but I will never be extinct! So don't mess with me! I'll shoot you down! Don't mess with me!” She sang angrily as she bursted out on the balcony, using her powers to open the doors. “'Cause all your heads are gonna roll, I've made your misery my goal!” She started to ascend and to climb in order to go on the highest tower of the castle, to test herself and to make sure everyone could hear her. “So if you want survival, kneel on my arrival. This is how I rule the world!” She sang as she finally was where she wanted to be, opening her black feathered wings and shadows of humanoid creatures with red eyes and long teethes appearing beside her. She breathed in and out slowly and deeply, after her moment of insanity and clenched her fists again.

“No one can stop me, for only I am in control. And if you want me you'd better contact my people” She murmured, as if she wanted to convince herself. “See my crown? I am king. I love the endless worshiping. I am raw, a dinosaur, but I will never be extinct… So don't mess with me; I'll shoot you down. Don't mess with me; I'll knock you down. Don't mess with me; I'll shoot you down… Don't mess with me!” She sang as she flew down on the city.

The morning after, she was woken up by Luke and Michael, who seemed worried. She muttered some curses in French and rolled to her side to face them.

“What?”

“Good morning boss. We have some problems.” Luke said as he glanced at Michael.

“It seems like people here isn’t taking well that you conquered this world. They are gathered a army and they are coming in our way.” Michael resumed the situation simply. “The question is: what do we do?”

“Fight them, teach them who we are, like we always do.”

The two men looked at each other, and it seemed that apparently, they were not telling her everything. With a sight, she sat up.

“What is it?”

“Your… soul sister are with them.” Luke finally said.

“I’m sorry what?!” Naomie yelled as she got up suddenly. “This little annoying bitch of an angel! What the heck is she doing here?!” “Defending people, if we understood her letter correctly.” Michael answered in a calm voice as Luke handed her the letter.

The teenage girl took it and read it quickly. She gripped the paper tightly in her hands, angry with what was written before setting the paper on fire. She turned to look at the two men.

“Where is Ethan?” She questioned.

“In the original dimension, I believe.” Luke recalled.

“Call him back. I want him to do something for me.”

“Of course, boss, as you wish.” The man wearing a black suit said as he left.

“What about your sister and the angry peasants?” Michael asked with a hum, watching her every move carefully.

“We fight, this is what we are going to do. Oh and Michael, you can return to the ship. Do you think it will fly soon?”

“I don’t know but I will try my best.” The hybrid nodded.

Naomie opened the balcony’s doors and advanced on it. She closed her eyes and could sense the divine presence of her soul sister, the beautiful and perfect little angel. Since Naomie got her powers, this woman won’t stop harassing her to come to the good side but she didn’t want to! She loved being evil, enslaving people, conquering worlds! She felt powerful!

“So she wants war… then I will give her a war…” She said darkly.

The fight was quickly ended and Angela tried once again to coax her into the good side, to which Naomie sent the biggest fuck you she could: throwing mud and so mudding the perfectly white wings of the angel. Of course, the latter huffed like a spoiled little girl and decided to go back to Heaven. Naomie was back at the castle, drinking some wine they had found in the cellar. Luke was there, doing some paper works while Michael was still working on the ship with the Night team. Ethan was back and had used his powers in the battle, with Alonzo and Georges. The two young men were playing with knives when suddenly Naomie put her glass on the table and looked at the group.

“I need you to travel with me.” She said, out of blue.

“I can’t. Work.” Luke told her.

Alonzo agreed because he loved traveling and discovering new places. In fact, he was an adventurer, back in his world but his sister staged his death so that she could get his money. What a bitch. Ethan was faithful to her and he would always agree with what she had decided so there was no problem for him. Georges nodded and asked where they would be headed.

“In your former realm: Once Upon A Time!” She declared as she stood up.

“Really? I mean… I don’t want to see my father you know…” Georges mumbled as he looked away, to not show his weakness.

“I mean, your father will be inside the town but we are just going to the forest, near the wish’s well.” She explained as she opened the portal and jumped in it, followed by the other boys.

“Who are you gonna bring back to life this time?” Alonzo asked with a shout.

She blushed lightly when she mentioned him. The man smirked, knowing why she was in a such state. Of course she would only come there for him, without a doubt.

It was night time there and it was perfect. Her powers were more powerful in night time. She approached the well, feeling excitement as she thought what she was going to do. Ethan helped her drawing the pentagram with rocks, Georges handed her a beating heart that he took from someone in town while Alonzo was watching the ritual. Naomie took the heart and plunged her dagger into it, to give it some magic, she started to chant strange incantations as two horns appeared on her forehead, as well as a tail and her wings. Soon, a body was lifted from within earth and put on the floor at her foot. It was the body of a tall, blond haired teenager with a scar on his face. The teenage girl put the heart in the chest of the boy and the pentagram disappeared, as well as the devil attributes who had appeared for a short period of time on Naomie. Alonzo, Georges and Ethan approached their leader, who kneeled down next to the boy, who was now breathing. He woke up with a gasp and looked around him. He stared at them, his mouth open, because he was surely not believing what he was seeing.

“Who… Who are you?” He asked with a small voice.

“Oh my friend, we are all the same.” Naomie said with a smile.

“What do you mean? How I am alive?” The teenager started to question, earning a laugh from the girl.

“I brought you back to life.” “Why?” “Because.” She crouched next to him and whispered to his ear: “I know what is like to be a social reject, Felix. Pan is dead, he used you. But with me? I won’t use you, friend. I just need you to be loyal for what? Six or seven months then you will be free.”

“What do you want from me?” Felix asked as he shot up to his feet.

“I already told you. I want you to stay with me for six months, then, if you enjoy to be with us and to be apart from the biggest gang of all the dimensions and to stick up with the winners, you are very welcomed. If you don’t, I will find a nice place for you to live. How does that sound?” Naomie offered with the most genuine and charming smile. Felix seemed to think about it for four minutes then he looked down to this teenager.

“I’m in.”

The lyrics of the song is Don’t Mess With Me by Temporshark and so it doesn’t belong to me! Also, just for the credits, Felix belongs to Once Upon A Time and so to ABC, Michael doesn’t belong to me, he belongs to its rightful owners. Thanks for reading!

[wannabemother-blog]

I stopped taking my birth control pills, and I’m not telling my boyfriend

I guess I just really needed to write this down, to sort out my thoughts and to maybe justify my actions in my own sick way even though I know what I’m doing is so wrong. To clarify, I haven’t taken my pills in two months, I’m currently on my second period. Also, I’m 21, I don’t know if that makes it better or worse, probably neither.

To start off with, I scoured the internet trying to find someone with the same or at least relatively same story as me, so I could try connect with someone on the same level, and maybe it would stick through my thick skull that I should start taking my pills again as soon as my period is over so I don’t run the risk of pregnancy for the third month in a row. I know what you’re probably thinking, “she has no idea what it’s actually like to raise a child” or maybe “she’s so young, and wasting her youth” or more possibly, “what a selfish bitch, conning her boyfriend like that” the last one is probably the only one I agree with.

Firstly, I know exactly what it’s like to still be awake at 4am with a teething child, on the brink of passing out of exhaustion, only to have another child wake up screaming from a nightmare, causing the other kids to wake up and having to put down the teething child screaming and running over to soothe one child while another asks you to get a cup of water for them because they’re too afraid to go in the kitchen at night. Trust me, I could run a day-care centre by myself, I practically already did. I know all of that doesn’t mean it’s okay to trick my boyfriend into thinking we’re having safe sex, but trust me, I’m getting there.

Having all this experience with kids, I think most people declare war on their uterus and faithfully vow to not have a single child until well into their 30s, however it did the complete opposite for me. One time, my brother accidently called me mum, and I cried tears of happiness after putting him back to bed. I might have been 15 at the time, and honestly since then I’ve been obsessed over the idea of having my own little humans. The joy when they take their first steps, when their babbles slowly turn into actual fathomable words, the night you realise it’s been a week since they asked you to tuck them into bed, when you pick them up out of the cot and they see your face they have the biggest smile. All these little (big) things make me so desperate to have my own children, to experience it all from a mother’s point of view.

I knew even before I was sexually active taking birth control would be a challenge for me, so I did the right thing and got the implanon. They can last up to 3 years, so naturally I opted for the longest possible option. However, after just one year, I had it taken out. That whole year I never stopped bleeding and my mood swings were out of this fucking world. To explain it simply, this one time I was washing up some dishes, my then-boyfriend was making himself a sandwich and asked if I wanted him to make me one. I screamed at him, I can’t even remember what I said, but for some reason I was so angry. And then I balled my eyes out crying for a few minutes, then I was hysterically laughing. The poor boy had no idea what to do. I took a 2 month break from birth control on my end, and I told my then-boyfriend, and he completely understood. Once the 2 month break was up, I opted for the shot, which is supposed to be given every 3 months. Shortly after my first shot I became single, and even though the shot had given me loads of trouble, I got the second shot just in case it would eventually work for me. It didn’t.

 The whole time I was on these birth control methods, my insides were screaming. My head was screaming. Give me babies, stop taking these damn hormones and get pregnant! I did a quick google and diagnosed myself as being clucky, and hoped I would soon get over it. It’s been 6 years, and I’m still not over it. I can’t describe the craving of wanting a child this badly. Every pregnant woman I saw, I got upset that I was not. Every family I saw, even on a clearly bad day, I was jealous of. Every friend or relative that had children I tried to avoid because it made me sad I didn’t have what they had. This wasn’t just an every now and then thing, it’s almost every single day. Forcing myself to take those birth controls was torture to me, it just felt so wrong, but I knew I had to do it. My past relationships are what you would definitely call dramatic shipwreck after dramatic shipwreck, and sometimes when describing them, I shock even myself.

So, cut to January this year when my current boyfriend and I had started to want to be ‘active’, I told him I wasn’t on any birth control, and that even if I did start taking the pill that day, it would take 2 weeks to be effective. It took me a long time to decide which birth control to take, I definitely didn’t want to be taking the pill, because it gave me too much power every day, and I would have to decide each and every single day to deny myself that desperate need. Clearly, I’ve caved into my selfish desires, hence writing this in the first damn place. But clearly the implanon and the shot simply didn’t want to agree with me, my only options left were the pill or an IUD of some sorts. I decided I really didn’t want a foreign object put in such a private area and it would be an extreme last resort, and so the pills were the only option left.

At first it was relatively easy to take the pills, yes I wanted children, but I was finally in a healthy relationship and I wanted to be young with him and have fun. Then I realised I had fallen in love, in actual love. I’ve never felt this strongly about someone, it creeps me out sometimes, and trying to think of my life without him was just imagining this vast black nothingness. All of this still doesn’t justify what I’ve chosen to do every day for the past 2 months. Our relationship has grown very quickly, we already live together, we share a car, and we help each other out with petrol bills and all that other crappy adult stuff. Heck, he’s actually proposed to me twice! I only turned him down because the first time I was drunk, and I actually got mad that he had proposed at such a bad time. The second time I was hungover, and once again gave him evil eyes. He admitted both times he asked in the heat of the moment, and that he’s actually glad I said no because he hasn’t even gotten a ring, yet alone asked my family or even told his family about his plans.

But anyway, I got side-tracked. Two months ago I stopped taking my pills, it wasn’t even a conscious decision, and I didn’t even plan it. One morning I just popped the pill into the bin instead of my mouth. Then another day went by, and another, and another, and suddenly I’m on my period. My breasts shrunk a bit, I got a touch of acne, but yet I still didn’t take up the pills again. I downloaded a period tracking app, trusty Clue, logged into it whenever we had sex, keeping tabs on when I was likely to ovulate. And here I am, once again on my period. The second month of being deceitful, and I still don’t know how I fully feel about it.

Yes, I know it’s wrong. Even though we have spoken about raising a family and getting married and building a house, we even talk about what our kids’ names will be, and how we will raise them and what we’ll feed them, it’s still wrong. I’m essentially lying to him every single day I don’t take those stupid pills. I do feel bad for lying, trust me I feel the guilt and the awkward moments the pills are randomly brought into conversation. I also feel as if we would be okay if I did end up pregnant, just typing that feels crazy. We have a rough plan for the next few years, and kids are a few years in the future, and it makes me happy that he even wants kids and that we talk about it at least once a week. I have a vague feeling he wants kids sooner, but he’s scared to admit it not only to me but to himself, and scared of what his family would think of us. Or maybe that’s just me being hopeful and looking far too deeply into things. And I know I might not be as perfect of a mother as I think I might be, but I’m still hopeful that I’d be great, it’s probably one of the only things I’m sure of.

So now, nearing the end, I’m forced to make a conscious decision. I can’t hide behind the false sense of not being fully aware of what I’m doing anymore, because clearly I am. And yet I know I won’t start taking those pills again. I simply don’t want to, and I can’t bring myself to go through the sadness of taking them every day. I know I won’t get pregnant instantly, clearly, otherwise I wouldn’t be wearing a pad and hunching over in agony over cramps. It might take a year, it might be next month, who knows. All I know is that the agony has subsided, but the guilt is rising. I know what the right thing to do is, yet I’m doing the opposite, but I also still think I’m a decent person. Knowingly doing something that is obviously wrong and deceitful may say a lot about someone, namely myself, however I don’t think it completely defines me as a person. For example, people still eat meat, even though they know that animal has been murdered for their pleasure. That doesn’t mean I’m a better person than a meat eater, more I’m knowingly doing something that is wrong, and I don’t have a logical or reasonable answer for why I’m doing it, yet I believe I’m still a good person.

At least now I’m being honest with myself, and maybe one day I’ll own up to my selfish actions. I don’t know what the future holds, part of me hopes it’ll take a few months to get pregnant, another part hopes I’ll start taking the pills again, even if it’s only every second month. In the end, I hope that in a few years I’m still with Alex, and that he still loves me as much as I love him, and maybe we’ll have a house together and I’ll have a full time job being able to support myself. And if I’m the luckiest person in the whole world, we’d have a child together.

[damusikfreak]

#SignalBoostPCOS

So, for those of you who don’t know me that well, I have problems with my uterus. I have a syndrome I was born with known as Poly-Cystic Ovary Syndrome.(PCOS). Basically, for those who have 0 idea what this is, PCOS is a syndrome where non cancerous cells grow on your uterus, and have since birth. PCOS has loads of god awful side affects, such as hormone imbalances, out of control weight gain(Or weight loss but mostly gain). excessive hair growing(Like my hair grows so thick in other places I cant even shave it properly I have to get it waxed it’s awful), dark patches under arms, 0 periods and when you do get a period you get periods for months (Once I had a 3 month long fucking period it was awful). The outcome of PCOS because it’s not curable, if you don’t regulate your cycle, eat properly, etc, is fucking diabetes because your hormones are regulated and causes insulin resistance, and I’m already on the line of having diabetes because of it. But to make shit even awesomely better, I have tried every method you could, even hormones such as glycocin and some peped-whatever hormone that shit caused awful side affects and the glyc didn’t even work. So I’m back on birth control, and I’m petrified to take birth control now. Before all this bullshit I took birth control because we knew something was wrong with my uterus, but I stopped because I stopped completely getting a period on birth control. See, to most other woman are like “ What’s the big deal, stop complaining, at least you don’t get a period”. Well, yeah, I thought the same thing.. and basically my gyno at home had me under the impression it wasn’t a big fucking deal. Yeah, no, it’s actually a HUGE fucking deal. Basically, this would happen for 1 of 2 reasons. The first and better reason to the second, my uterine walls thinned out and I can’t bleed anymore. Which, isn’t bad.. it just means I can probably never have kids which... kinda makes me upset as fuck but... I’d rather that to the second reason. The second, god awful reason, means that my uterine walls are too thick, and I run at the possibility, no basically the fucking out come of fucking uterine cancer. I told my mom this and she goes, “ The gyno back home didn’t make a big deal out of thise because it’s not that huge of a deal.”

WOW, NO, NO. JUUST. WOW. UHMMMMMMMMMMM... I’m pretty damn sure UTERINE FUCKING CANCER is a big deal, but okay

Thanks gyno back home, thanks so much for not caring and informing me of these things. 

So ladies that get a period, complain, and wish they don’t get a period. Be damn happy that you get one. I’m not trying to be a bitch, I’m just saying, there are woman out there like myself who WISH they had one, because the possibility of infertility, diabetes, and cancer, I’m almost 100% certain, are far worse than any period you could ever have, and I’m also saying that as someone who has had a 3 month period before. 

So fucking lord, be happy you have a functioning uterus, because honestly, I am actually petrified right now over this. 

Also ladies out there that have these same issues, PLEASE see a gyno and take care of yourself. This applies for ladies with endometriosis also, make sure to keep up with your hormones etc. It is a big deal if you stop bleeding on birth control, repetitively. I’m sure this also applies for ladies without PCOS and ENDO, JUST TAKE DAMN CARE OF YOURSELVES. Just, this is a huge thing for ladies with PCOS. 

For those ladies that have no idea if they have PCOS, or even ENDO, here are some side affects of BOTH, and if you’re worried PLEASE see a gyno to be tested. Both of these are incredibly genetic, usually you will have them since birth if you have them. can be hard to tell if you have them or not in less tested.

PCOS Side affects: 

Acne

Weight gain (Usually you are a heavy child and stay that way, that’s how I was and still am even though I never ate much) and trouble losing weight

Loads of extra dark/thick bodily hair on face, legs, chest, really anywhere. 

Thinning hair on the scalp

Irregular periods, and I mean DRASTIC. Either no period at all, or you bleed for months on end, or both at the same time. 

Fertility issues

Severe Depression 

Hormone imbalances or no hormone production

Dark spots on body especially under the arm

The outcomes of PCOS can be infertility or diabetes. Usually woman with PCOS end up with diabetes because the body stops regulating important hormones like insulin. So, woman with PCOS, please make sure to check your insulin regularly, and as gross as it sounds. EXERCISE AND EAT RIGHT. This is important because if you don’t you will end up with diabetes. 

PCOS is NOT curable, so you really need to stay weary and keep up with your self health if you have it. 

Please take care of yourselves ladies!!!

I don’t know much about Endo, so someone who does, please add it to this post. 

[mugiwara--ya]

also like. fuck dermatillomania, seriously.

this was supposed to be a short post but fuck it lol this is HUGE 

when i had my first really bad breakout at like, 18 (from fucking contraceptivesl!!!!!! like before i did have a couple uh..idk if i would call em breakouts, but like you know, just regular teen acne, and my gyn was like “you have a bit of acne so these pills are gonna help ya!!” FUCK YOU I BARELY HAD ANYTHING) i remember waking up one day, rubbing my eyes, then touching my forehead. and i felt a TON of tiny bumps. i was like, the fuck? and i wiped my forehead with my bed sheets because i thought i had dirt or somethig on my face. and i touched again and they were still there. i immediately got up and looked at my big mirror, and i swear it was like half an hour straight of just looking at my forehead, with dozens of closed comedones, and it was.. it was terrible. people used to tell me how pretty my skin was, that my face was so soft and perfect, and asking me which products i used (i did have a skincare routine because i couldnt risk fucking up my face, i’ve always picked at every single imperfection so i had to make sure i had none to begin with)

so yeah i fucking panicked. my skin was my confidence. i barely used bb cream for dark circles or when i wanted to look extra nice, and that would be it. my appearance was (is) everything to me. 

and thats when derma fucked up my life (now that i think about it i DID almost die of an infected wound that i picked at when i was a toddler but ANYWAYS). im pretty sure that if i had just taken care of it as a normal fucking person, it would have just gone away, healed, the end. i even stopped taking those pills. but i picked at it. i picked and scratched and squeezed and put needles on those hideous fucking things because i just needed to get them out. i would spend HOURS every day picking at my skin. and it only made it worse. not only those didnt go away for a few months, not only did i cause terrible scarring, but i pretty much spread all that nasty shit all over my face. and yeah, my acne itself was never TERRIBLE, at the beginning most people couldnt even tell and with just a bit of makeup i was ready to go! but i just..kept picking at it. because i was terrified. i made scar after scar. painful acne would grow under those scars. and i would pick at it even if the previous one wasnt done healing. my mom would look at me and tell me how hideous i looked. “put on some makeup i dont want to go out with you looking like that”. i would go into work and they would tell me “the fuck did you do to your face now?!” 

it wasnt acne itself. it was all the scarring i made. you can cover up acne with foundation. but scabs? open wounds? it looks like shit. and i put on makeup anyways, and i literally wasnt able to go out without it, but i always knew everyone could see my scabs. patchy, ugly, painful looking scabs. i was ashamed of it. my confidence was gone. i felt uglier every day. i knew it was all my own fault. everyone kept telling me “just stop picking at it”.

but i got so desperate. so anxious. i used to have anxiety attacks when i tried to lie down and not pick at my face. i tried picking at ingrown hairs on my legs to distract me and it worked for a while, but as soon as i saw my reflection i was gone, like i couldnt control myself, i dissociated completely and when i was back on my body i looked at my face and just cried. i cried and cried because i fucking did it again. 

this lasted for about three-four years i think, and it got even worse when my actual acne got Very Bad between last year and this year, especially because i had run out of all the skincare products that actually worked and didnt have money for new ones so i tried to settle down for local products (that didnt work), i was stressed the fuck out because i had secretly dropped out of university, my hormones were crazy (endometriosis ayyy), and idk it was Bad. but then again. my acne was never REALLY terrible, like yeah it was worse, but never like cystic acne or like full face of it (i had on my forehead, nose, inner sides of my cheeks, around my mouth and chin, like mostly the center of my face) and i never had that many violent painful pimples at the same time (mostly because i would pick em out as soon as i could) but THE SCABS. My skin also got really oily and my pores were fucking huge, and even if thankfully my skin is pretty good at healing itself (i dont have deep scars, its mostly hyperpigmentation with little to no texture after it has fully healed) no matter how fast my scabs healed (a couple weeks usually) i always made myself new ones, like !! why !! 

now, a few months ago, i started taking contraception again. another brand, because i couldnt stand period pains anymore. and this time..it actually helped! my skin got a bit less oily, i started getting less pimples, and a bit after that, i finally bought new (korean) skincare. the only non-prescription skincare that has ever worked for me lol. etude house i owe you my life. i also stopped smoking cigs, and i’ve really been trying to eat healthier. trying. shut up

and i finally started getting better, slowly!! and i dont know, just having a routine helped a lot in regaining my confidence, taking care of my skin helped my anxiety, and i kept thinking “i spent a SHIT TON OF MONEY on these things, i’m not gonna ruin it by picking”. and yeah i still did it/do it every now and then, but WAY LESS than i used to, and now i strategically pick at stuff that can be easily covered up by hair, i never put my hands directly on my face (i wrap my fingers in cloth or something), and always clean my face afterwards, im a Conscious Picker™ now

and last week i finally decided to go see a dermatologist! (ABOUT TIME!!) and yeah she told me most of my skin problems are due to excoriating, and my actual acne can be treated easily, and gave me a bunch of prescription products to help get rid of it and control my oily ass face. and bitch!!!! just five days in and MY SKIN ALREADY LOOKS SO SO SO MUCH BETTER! (LIKE IGNORING THE FACT THAT I HAVE TWO HUGE SCABS NEAR MY MOUTH AND TWO MORE ON MY FOREHEAD AND A LOT OF HYPERPIGMENTATION)

and im just. i look at the mirror and i wanna cry. i wanna cry because im getting better. im scared of ruining it, but im just so motivated. this time im not letting my anxiety get in the middle of what i want. im insecure, i still struggle to believe im beautiful with or without acne or scars, but im worth the try, i deserve to take care of myself and do things that make me happy, and if im vain ! whatever! feeling my skin soft makes me happy! looking at the mirror and loving how i look makes me happy! keeping a routine, washing my face, putting on creams till i look like a glazed donut, it makes me happy!  going out without makeup and not caring makes me happy! putting on makeup and not caring if some scabs or hyperpigmentation still shows because i know its all getting better, it makes me happy! 

i am stronger than i thought and i am stronger than the anxiety derma gives me. i just needed to work out a way to go around it lol. also im tired as fuck and ive been writing about this for like two hours. no one is gonna read this but whatever lol i love myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BITCH I LOVE MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM GLOWING!!!

[diegest]

2010 V.S. 2019

Age 15 and almost 25

(This is long a messy but I wanted to make some kind of post about it before the year ends.)

I was making a stink face bc my then best-friend was over and said something funny before she took the picture and afterwards we busted out laughing. We were at my then step-dads parents house out in the country walking down to their creek either just getting done swimming in their pool or intending to get in it after going to the creek.

I was most likely a freshmen or sophomore at the time of this picture. (Probably right before sophomore year started...) It was definitely during Summer. I either had a flip Nokia phone or an LG Neon at the time as I upgraded from one to the other. I had my first “job.” I was a veterinary assistant after school for a few hours a day and did some work out there during Summer as well. I wasn’t paid and used my time as a volunteer to play with animals, hold them down for simple procedures, walked dogs, and it helped me gauge whether or not I wanted to actually pursue being a veterinarian. I had competed in track for 6 years in a row by this point and was probably finished with it by the time this picture was taken. (Two Elementary School leagues, all three years of Middle School, freshmen year of High School). I was crushing HARDCORE on my childhood best friend whom I’ve known since the age of 6 but neither of us could handle our feelings for the other and things would become super awkward until we had actually dated 7 years later. I was tan as hell because of track practice, walking to both pools in town, and walking to Sonic with friends during sleepovers.

I was struggling trying to find my identity as a teenager while maintaining being in the middle of my parents joint custody battle and being forced to be 100 miles away from my friends two weekends out of the month. I was a cynical older sister of two step-brothers and did not use my time with them as wisely as I wish I could have, sometimes being a real bitch to them looking back at it. I had no control over my hair color or length and remember desperately wanting to layer it to look like a scene kid despite how naturally thin it is. I had just started dabbling in eye liner (not pictured, as I preferred and still prefer my poolside activities over makeup), wore converse every day I wasn’t wearing flip flops for the season, wore baggy jeans, the same Paramore hoodie daily, and had an extreme creative drive that I miss deeply. I was bullied horribly for my teeth, nose, skin (I had terrible eczema that pool water, cortisone shots, and Summer weather in general helped tremendously with!), height, cup size, fashion, hobbies, having split parents, and then some. My metabolism was extremely high and I was in my athletic prime. I had a touch of internet fame by drawing my own personal characters on deviantArt.com as well as fan art for games and shows I was super into using my first Wacom tablet on my first laptop and to this day still have a folder of fan art created for me on my computer. I was obsessed with cats, rock music, anime, and drawing. I could drive a boat and got both a high five as well as scolded for that time I flipped myself into the water to retrieve my dads hat while we were going full speed over white-caps because I was too impatient for him to circle around and wanted to impress him and the rest of the family. I was for the most part unafraid of most things.

I was secretly extremely depressed and suicidal during the school year to the point I had missed my period for 5 months because of stress alone and I’m certain at the time this picture was taken, I was almost breathing a sigh of relief I was off from school for the summer. I had a close knit group of friends still before it had combust the following school year. I was “working” as a veterinary assistant but also had interests in pursuing being an animator, art director, cartoonist, children’s book illustrator, or graphic designer by this point and my mom encouraged me to pursue whatever I was comfortable with. I wasn’t really boy crazy like my friends were, instead having my heart set on one in particular and probably still having a soft spot for my ex whom I was with for 3 years prior. My bedroom contained my artwork, sports posters, cat posters, band posters, and trophies/medals from my days running track. My friend and I, though not legally allowed to drive, would occasionally sneak to Taco Bell using her parents car if they weren’t home and we never got caught or pulled over for it. My grades were A’s and B’s, though I could not pay attention in History to save my life because I was too preoccupied with doodling on my papers and ignoring this asshole who was two classes above me who had called me ugly but then admitted he liked me at one time because of my attitude?? He’s still an idiot from what I’ve heard only he’s an idiot who knocked up a few women post-high school, is apparently married now, and no surprise to me - is still stuck in that same small town with no goal to go anywhere outside of it.

I was scared of the outside world beyond my small town and had no idea how rough it would get for me. The family issues and my trip to family court had not happened yet. I had yet to become estranged from my family. I was small and awkward as hell. I struggled to hold conversations or make eye contact unless it was with people I felt most familiar with since people were kinda fucking mean. I could argue back but would immediately break down and cry from the interaction at the first chance I’d get. I’d use books, art, and video games for the escapism. Life felt scary and fragile and so very uncertain but at least I had a few individuals in the world whom I loved so much and who I know loved me.

I’m 24 now. I’m now in control over my own hair cut and color. I choose to keep it long as I didn’t even like the way it looked short when I finally chopped it as a teenager. It’s been red, reddish blonde, blonde on top and brown on the bottom, dark brown to blonde ombré, and now platinum blonde with my natural color as a shadow root and I quite like it. I don’t really dabble in makeup unless it’s for an occasion except for covering up my acne as my body decided that having zero acne in my teen years was just too good for me while I was battling eczema instead. I’m not nearly as tan or athletic as I’m forced to be inside at most times. I still love to swim though and I take every opportunity to go to my childhood beach during the Summer when I can in particular. I still don’t consider myself to be family-oriented despite this year really challenging that for me. I have a ton of amazing friends and people who care about me and feel like recently in particular, I’m always busy with someone doing something and making memories as we do whatever.

I have a bachelors in Psychology and a minor in Art, though I did not pursue a masters in art therapy like I had originally intended. I was heavily burnt out from school and my baby brothers worsening medical conditions and the news that he had been in a children’s hospital for quite some time with my family deliberately choosing not to tell me made me choose not to pursue one for the time being. I was working at Dairy Queen while technically sharing a lease with my ex before finding a job at a psychiatric hospital that I loved and getting my own apartment to myself and my cat, whom my ex gave to me as he saw she benefited me more than she benefited him. Though I lost that job, I can now say I have two years of field experience in Psychology and almost 6 months worth in social work and feel like I’m always learning something.

I’m not as creative anymore because the years of crippling depression, anxiety, and being forced to create for school absolutely ruined any creativity I had once had. Though occasionally I’ll have the opportunity to channel that creativity into a video game or quick doodle for a child.

I’ve moved to two cities after moving out of my high-school “home” town (not quite home but a good chunk of my upbringing!) and have every intention of doing it again within the next year after I save up some. I don’t take shit from anyone and have taken after the best parts of my moms personality in my opinion with the added benefit of my dads patience and keen eye. I’m known for making people around me comfortable and able to laugh and decompress and have been fortunate enough to use that power professionally. I would like to go back to mental and behavioral health as I miss the thrill and excitement as well as the camaraderie with fellow staff members in the pursuit of helping individuals. I’m very likely starting a new position in my company as early as next week and have been extremely excited about the pay and hour boost. I’ll be getting my dog in just over two weeks and am excited to start our life journey together. Though I had developed my moms serial-monogamist trait for a while there after my 6 year-long relationship had ended in the pursuit of finding someone to fill that gap, I feel very comfortable lately simply being pursued and wanted without the commitment. I’m addicted to sushi bowls, coffee, and chocolate. My passion is helping others. I feel comfortable in my body enough that I would love to pursue modeling of some sort and have been lucky enough to dabble in that a bit already. I also have a bit of a love for fashion now, though I rarely feel the urge to actually properly plan my outfits unless my goal is to dress to impress or for the sake of photography.

I’ve learned to allow myself to enjoy the things I enjoy without the fear of judgement from others. I still love nerd-culture and have somewhat recently taken an interest in cosplay and want to attend more conventions. I’ve learned that it’s an accomplishment for me to have gotten this far, to have my own place, and that it’s alright that I don’t have everything figured out and not everything has to be figured out right away. I don’t have the same best friend I had 10 years ago, but we’re still in contact and I love my current best friend tremendously though I don’t get to see him often. I’ve learned that my current group of friends may be temporary, but while I’m lucky enough to be around them I’m going to do what I can to make them feel as loved and cherished as possible and make plenty of memories. Ivy and I are doing well and I know we will continue doing well even with Atticus by our side. I value traveling way more and will continue to travel and see new things when I’m able to. Eventually I’ll narrow down a Masters program and go back to school when I feel ready. I might even work alongside my brother at some point as we had talked about working on a project together and I’m pretty excited. This is getting really really long oops

I also just look dope as all hell with blonde hair and have gotten the notoriety of being “that blonde girl who wears the leather jacket” and I’m beyond thrilled about this. I’ve come a long way and I’m proud of myself. It’s hard to believe that lanky, tan, dark haired, greasy-headed kid is me but I think she’s come a long long way and I’m genuinely proud of her for doing so and not ending things when she’s had the opportunity. Here’s to 10 more years of careful and concise progress and glow-ups~

[retro-system]

I get told that I am ugly, that I should change myself. I have stretch marks on my belly, hips, and calves. I have hairy arms and legs, and refuse to shave. I have eczema, acne, and a fungal rash, (all of which I treat) that I refuse to cover with makeup. I am pale. I have glasses. I wear what I want. I am a bit rounder on my belly, but I am not overweight. I am healthy. I get told that I am "ugly" and "un-ladylike" and that I should change myself. Sorry for the rant :(. ~ RainDrop

OMG! I can't believe you'd come here telling me that you're a woman who wears what she wants, and doesn't cover up what "makes her less beautiful than she could be"! Disgraceful! Never contact me again!Bro, I'm genuinely happy you've decided to confide in me about this. I'm so happy you see me as someone who's safe to talk to about this, and who won't judge you for things like this. Because, I'll tell you something: telling people to change their appearances "because they're ugly", particularly to their faces, is lowkey not epic. Not because it'll hurt their feelings, but because you're assuming people will take your advice after you've been a dick to them. Naw, that ain't it, chief. Having eczema isn't great. I've had it for most of my life, so I understand. It's bad enough you get itchy as hell and can't even scratch because that makes it worse, so why do you gotta be judged for having it, too? If you weren't trying to tackle it with cream, maybe I'd somewhat understand. But if you are, what's people's problems? Same goes for acne and fungal rash. I remember having ringworm. It was kinda cool-looking at first, but it often itched and - good lord - so many people pointed it out, since we were in a hot location so I had to wear shorts a lot. Like dude, yes, there's two huge-ass blotches on my leg. Want a fucking Smartie, Sherlock?Thankfully, I've been home-schooled throughout secondary school, so I don't think I've been approached with nearly as much bullying than I could have been. Maybe I'd be called ugly, too. And maybe if I started secondary school at 11 years old and finished at the age I am now, I'd take it personally and cry in a corner, and try and suit everyone's standards for what a girl should look like. Now, I'd like to think I'd just say something like, "What if I said I didn't care? What would you do then? Judge me on my personality? Heaven forbid!" That might make them bully me more for being a weak roaster, but at least I'm not saying "uuuuuuu okay i'll wear the jojo bows and the ariana grande makeup i promise! just please stop making fun of me uuuuuuu"RainDrop, I like you. You're open, and make sure people know you're struggling with people judging you on your appearance. I have no way to judge you on your appearance, because - to me - you look like a grey blob wearing sunglasses. So I'm going to give you my opinion: don't shave your arms or legs unless you want to - but be warned if you decide to: I hear it hurts like a bitch if you accidentally cut your skin (yeah, I don't shave either lol). Keep slapping on that cream, so you can control that eczema, acne and fungal rash, so it doesn't itch so bad. I feel like makeup would make the eczema worse, so I'd definitely not put it on if I was you. Embrace your paleness - trying to get a tan by lying on a beach for hours sounds not like only the dullest thing ever, but could also lead to a sunburn and even skin cancer. Glasses are dope, because glasses = looking like you're a straight-A student, and straight-A students get good jobs (I'm also not entirely sure why you'd call someone who's near- or far-sighted ugly, but go off, I guess). WEAR WHAT YOU FUCKING WELL WANT. Trying to meet standards would probably stress you the hell out, and not make you feel like your own person anymore. And remember, even if you were overweight, Moto Moto would be clapping his asscheeks right to your door. Nothing wrong with roundness, so long as you're healthy! And most of all: you are not ugly just because someone - or a handful of people - say you are. In no shape or form should you feel that way. Don't let people shape you into someone you're not. I'm gonna assume you're not doing so already, since you were just ranting here, not looking for advice. But remember people who try to advise you to change need to get their head out of their asses and let you look how you damn well please. Again, I genuinely appreciate your willingness to be open to me, and I hope I responded okay to you! :)

[imaginingit]

crush!jungkook

happy valentine’s day mothafuckas ;)

i love jeon jungkook are u bitches ready

you first met jungkook when you heard the sound of a moving truck beep its way into the driveway next to yours 

now u were always a child of adventure 

ur parents worked a lot so it was basically u at home with ur grandparents and they were the most chill motherfuckers on the face of the planet

and the front door of ur house always seems to be unlocked so u were the poster boy/gal of “adventure is out there!!!”

cue me ugly crying that movie kills m e 

u loved the outdoors and being adventurous 

u were so tomboy and reckless it was hilarious

u drove every single member of ur family insane 

they got called into school one time to u staring at the ground in the principal’s office next to a kid with a missing tooth and bloody nose 

“he tried to hug me” 

to summarize, u loved causing trouble, but have fun in the midst! 

and yes, meeting new ppl!!

and at dinner, u would hear ur grandpops and grandma talking abt the couple moving in next door 

and how they have also have a 6!! year!! old!! son!!

and u could barely keep ur head on the pillow that night bc omg! you can’t wait to have a new friend the same age as u! 

so on that beautiful sunny saturday morning, at exactly 7am sharp, with ur scabby knees, bruised legs, ripped shorts, mismatched socks, run-down light up sneakers, and ur older brother’s hand-me-down power rangers sweatshirt, you marched on over to the driveway to meet your new best friend

and u see a middle aged man and a beautiful woman trying to carry in a couple boxes together and u guessed those were the parents 

and as u were marvelling at how pretty they were, “man, if they look that good, how good does their son loo--”

“MOM, DAD, HELP IM STUCK IN THE SOFA!!” 

u have no idea what came over u but u almost tripped over the tall weeds trying to get into the truck and find the source of the voice 

you went straight to the yellow, flower-y sofa resting in the middle of the truck, with little boy limbs sticking out from under the cushions

u ran up and ripped them away and low and behold, u laid ur eyes on the most beautiful 6 year old there ever was 

and from then on, ur heart decided to plant its FUCKING BOTTOM with jungkook forever

from the first day he met u he literally believed u were the weirdest person he’s ever met 

but without a doubt, you became childhood friends 

like best friends

u saw him naked for the first time when u were 8 and just bursted into his shower at like 8am in the morning 

“Y/N WHAT THE FUCK GET OUT IM NAKED?????”

“omg it’s so smALL?”

he didn’t speak to you for two weeks after that 

your grandparents would always have him over for dinner 

you guys played make believe together and took naps in ur power ranger blanket together 

but it’s also a lot of bullying 

LOTS OF WRESTLING 

taking turns making ugly faces, whoever laughs first has to go and tell ur grandma they pooped their pants and needs help changing it 

“accidentally” slapping each other SUPER hard in the face

“you had a fly on ur cheek sorry!! couldn’t help it!!”

literally the purest and most innocent friendship ever ever ever 

everyday in first grade, when you had reading time, he would be in the seat behind you and fold a tiny little paper plane with a sticky note and throw it at you 

would keep folding them and throwing it at you until you noticed and turned around and yelled at him and got in trouble by your student teacher 

“i hate u jeon jungkook” 

you didn’t really

but it wasn’t until the third or fourth time he kept doing it that you realized there was a message on each of them 

and they weren’t really anything cute

they were just like 

“hey notice me”

“your hair looks greasy from the back” 

“what book are you reading”

“don’t ignore me”

“am i being annoying?”

“yea? good.”

but your favourite was

“i’m glad you’re in my class” 

because he would rarely ever show affection to you because your relationship was made up a lot of the “we don’t need to say anything to know it”, meaning you never needed to straight out express your gratitude to each other for the other to know that you’re appreciated 

main point is you grew up together 

however, after like the fourth grade

you both somehow decided that you were too cool for each other despite the fact that your crush on him was still there 

there was something so mesmerizing about the fact that 

he never truly ever demeaned you as a person??? like yes he was a tease and you guys always did those things to each other

but for a kid, he was always somewhat of a gentleman and would never make fun of you to deliberately hurt your feelings 

unfortunately doe, in middle school, your group of friends completely changed

and although you guys sort of had the same status in school of being popular but very, very laidback, and your groups of friends acquainted with one another, your interactions would be saying hi, making small talk when you were with a handful of other people and smiling at each other as you pass by the halls 

back then, you would walk home together every single day and spend time doing homework in the bedroom of one of you two 

but as the grades went on and the workload increased, you found music and student council and volleyball whereas he found track and basketball and dance

his family went through troubles and he found it difficult to talk to people at times 

and you were so busy with finding a job and saving up for post-secondary that you spent after school with your clubs or in the library studying

timing and interests for you guys were extremely unparalleled and eventually, things just grew apart before high school began 

and oh dear

high school

periods? check. acne? check. hormones? check. grOWTH SPURTS? check.

now, reader, entering high school, you only had one rule: forget. about. jeon. jungkook.

and it wasn’t like he was being a dick or anything to you, you just didn’t find any way that you guys would work out anymore

despite being best friends and literally showering together when you were 7 and your parents are best friends, you just never ever have proper conversations anymore, and things just naturally got awkward

and also life lesson for u guys omg so philosophical what it wasn’t anyone’s fault, you guys just happened to no longer have the same interests or the time to notice each other anymore - people drift apart. it happens. 

and you were so okay with coming to terms with that 

until

“oh my gosh is that jeon jungkook?”

“he... grew muscles?”

“giRL HIS HAIR”

“puberty hit him like a freight train???”

the morning of sophomore year, after a whole first year of properly avoiding him and being absolutely sure that he wasn’t going to get hot (jungkook is juST A LATE BLOOMER OK LEAVE HIM ALONE), you turned your head to the front doors and felt the wind get knocked out of you 

bc walking in with his friends, with the school uniform seemingly perfectly snug and hugging every one of his curves

was jungkook

and for some reason

yes he looked more mature and yes he got fucking MANLIER

but you were instantly reminded of something that clicked in you when you saw that 6 year old boy stuck in the sofa on the very first day he moved in next to you

was it that innocence? was it the charm? was it the hair-swept-away-from-face thing? you diDN’T KNOW 

but girl you were gone again 

and listen 

you dated people in freshman year and guys liked you, but you were never the type to chase or to fawn

you were just different from other girls like you would much rather be the type to be the one playing ball than the one in a miniskirt cheering on the team on the sidelines

that’s just who you are, heck you fucking punched a dude that wanted to hug you and say thank you, broke his nose and chipped his tooth like kk y/n

it was just difficult for you to grasp feelings, truly, but for some reason, this guy has just got you so weak???

and for some other reason, jungkook and the reminder and memories of you guys as kids just hits you like a truck and you’re already head over heels once again

and you go into first period to shake off the thought of him but ofc!!! he’s!!!! in!!!! ur!!! first!! period!!! literature!!! ihml!!!

so you take the seat diagonally in the front of him to make sure you don’t get sidetracked in ur favourite class and drool at him the entire time

oNE DAY

you were taking notes from the board, analyzing and reviewing the literary device and short stories before delving into the actual stuff in literature when you dropped your pencil and leaned down to grab it 

when you saw an arm reach down first 

and hand it to you 

you looked up 

and you guessed it 

biTCH IT WAS JUNGKOOK AND he had such a warm and friendly smile 

and you could barely say anything 

because on one hand you were like oh i’m glad he still remembers who i am??? like ffs? but your other side is like oh my god oh my god oh my god 

so weeks go by and every single day you feel such a burning sensation at the back of ur neck like fufufufuffufufu he’s RIGHT THERE

and jungkook isn’t that type to be extremely boisterous and loud and obnoxious even if he’s hot shit 

so you weren’t worried about him bothering you whatsoever after that like that was a fluke, he was being nice, whatever, it’s done 

a couple weeks go by and you’re starting to feel better now, thinking you’ve got this crush thing under control

until

silent reading time 

you were just assigned a new book by your favourite author! and you couldn’t wait to begin the book reports on these 

so you dove into the world of fire-breathing dragons and mystical knights and creatures beyond reality

when you felt a poke on your neck

and you had no idea what it was? you were so engulfed in the story that you just scratched and left it, not thinking twice

and then you felt it again

it took you a second, but it hit you

and it hit you hard

you turned your head around slowly and your heart was beating so fast

your eyes fall on a small pink sticky note, folded into a plane, dropped on your shoulder

you don’t even DARE LOOKING BAC K AT HIM BC U KNOW UR HANDS AR E SHAKING TOO HARD AND IF YOU SEE HIM YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY DROP DEAD

so you open it, careful to make no noise in the silent classroom

and on the single sticky note it read:

“it’s good to see you again. i’m so so glad you’re in my class.”

you sneak a tiny glance back at the boy behind you, your face flushing with heat and memories 

and from behind his book, he looks up and gives you the tiniest, warmest smile you’ve ever received 

you folded the paper once more and fit it in your pocket and returned to your dragons and knights and witches, all the while smiling like a fool to yourself because maybe, just maybe, you didn’t really drift apart that much at all 

hi guys!! so sorry for the late update, hope you enjoy thisssss:)

also side note: just because it’s valentine’s day (i mean i dont celebrate this) doesnt mean that you need a significant other! buy yourself some hershey’s, make some tea, snuggle up with a teddy bear and a blanket, and switch on some netflix. today is any other day, so don’t demean yourself and your experience with this day because of your status! 

alsoooo don’t wanna get a little preachy but, in this au i kind of hint at the fact that the y/n or reader is someone very tomboyish and doesn’t really seem to find herself chasing after boys. in no way am i trying to vocalize the fact that just because you’re of a certain nature, your personality towards boys reflects that. this is just a fictional work of how one might feel (presumably me lolz) when realizing feelings for someone they truly loved at one point. just because a woman who is normally tougher on the exterior has a sudden soft spot for a boy does not indicate that she’s lost sense of herself or that she succumbs to a boy. just because a woman is a certain way because of a boy that makes her feel different doesn’t mean she is any less of a woman herself. everyone is obligatory to their feelings, and how women choose to express themselves sexually or emotionally to a man they love is their own personal choice as long as they are within consent and are safe. everyone’s decisions and behaviours in love are consensual and their own - that does not demean them as a feminist in any way, shape or form. remember that. 

have fun, y’all, uSE PROTECTION, and i love u!!!