#because im way too emotional and its way too hot outside

[hand-painted-5tars]

hey, its the hottest spring, speudo-summer i might say. i am considering retaking journalling just because i have the hunch it would do wonders to my mind. drawing is too doing wonders to my mind, both simultaneously creating and allowing some information, ideas relief.

i am 24, writing to an old voice, from a website i barely touch but that craddled my dreams when i entered college. and now after eons im here, i do come here sometimes to just talk to you like this, but i do still come sometimes, the same way you pop on my mind sometimes, lighthearted, not always good, but always lovingly. so im here. 4:30pm still working hours but im on lunch break. i work home. extra time i waste because my organizing skills have always been bad and i heard it has a name and im not medicating propperly for it, but then again i never have and ive come this far. so once again, track lost and refound, im here. 24, sitting at home working, drenched in sweat because the weather is awful, but in front of me theres my keyboard, my screen and to my side its the box i set up yesterday, my first and very own CPU. its black, tall and the left side has a pannel that allows me to see the fans spin and the silver of the processors resistance. something i always wanted when i was a child. a real gamer cpu, bought with my own money, and something i wasnt expecting. assembled throught my own hands. i know i shouldnt celebrate departures but in this case i cant help but being way too happy. way too giddy. y' know the way my head just gets stuck on things and wont let go till a big dawn. i hadnt realized how much i was missing, (a pity my brain just wouldnt let go) being entirely obsessed with several groups and such. uh yeah. the posters are there and the albums are too, but i dont burn like i did, desperate to know what did the kpop boys i like this round do today. they seem to be busy, thats good but its as good as i care, i dfidnt realize until i left how in most cases it felt like it didnt quite fit.

now im back on games stuff, its like i should have come here before, you know i knew i would have enjoyed it, their approach, this peoples approach to art is much freer, much more experimental and interesting and i could cry on how well it feels, not just to see things i think about appreciated but finding people who seem to be on that same wavelength. not that i dont appreciate the time, not that i dont love dearly everyone the past around 8 years gave me. i am just simply overjoyed in what i find today. i guess in the end everythings a phase, beginning and end entirely important. how i enter and how i end, what i got in the process its whats really important. i feel youd get it. but more importantly, and the most importantly is that their approach to art reignited mine in a way i hadnt seen in years, that nothing, nothing ever came close to do in the past decade since after you passed. maybe bts came close, but that only solidifies a subject above that has to do with themes and experimentation of art. but back on track. many times last year and in the past few years i was considering jsut leaving art, wanted to rip it off me. wanted off so i wouldnt disappoint myself every single time i tried and tried and failed, knowing i could be normal if i let go something i was never gifted and pretending would just burn me all over. the whole process has been like trying desperately to bury a living thing and hoping it stops coming out. every feet of dirt i just kept disappointing me further, i kept wishing i could take it all lightly. i was so close to dropping it, entirely.and well the regret the regret of seeing how much does everyone around me with real art careers were improving so much while i was crunching code on websites, most time spent trying to tell myself i could make it without drawing, maybe that will ease me out on the paper. but it never did it never came easier, it became harder and harder, and most times i wanted off as if it never existed in first place. not that i didnt love it i simply convinced myself it would be pointless to put on an effort and be disappointed in the end by the lackluster results i end up giving. im sorry, no amount of eroding edges and softening remove how jagged my insides are, and sorry no amount of regret can turn back time and hone the skills for all the time i lost being afraid, thats always been my pitfall. im sorry i only wanted to make you a drawing to explain how much your art ever meant to me and i never got the guts to truly put you in paper. you have always been the most tender of souls and my lacking hand couldnt do justice. but i think im back now. what i mean is that im back to trying this for real, with the intention of breaking, the intention of what i desperately said i did but i never did. im breaking the bones and instead of burying it im ransacking the fucking grave i guess. it all starts the same place it ends. im back where i was in highschool when i decided my young naive self that i wanted to tell stories through art, obsessed with games and animated series, and you were there too, beautiful, so i thought, i should tell you, because i tell you everything.

and so im back where i started, so much time lost but no regrets i guess. sorry not for dropping the pencil but for the many many times i lied about it. you will have my worse because thats after all the most that could be given, stupid, and worrysome, and unable to stop making all the mistakes i didnt make when i was young and too busying trying to make a daughter my parents would be proud instead of whatever i am so theres so much to pick up. i am to be build from scratch, so much to do, so much rough, so much lack of skills, and so you will have me in all the mistakes and loose ends i left, the splinter in the wood from everything i tore apart and never propperly cleaned, but its all of me, and theres so much to clean here before we can propperly start anew. i will take care of it. anyway, i build a computer from scratch like i wished when i was 14 and i still have some tasks to do for work today, but after that im all yours so if youll have me.

[controld3vil]

keepin’ it honest

PAIRING: MIGUEL O’HARA X SPIDER!READER SYNOPSIS: you were dead in his universe. but in yours, he wasn’t... NOTES: - im sorry i think i just like oscar isaac a lot. spiderverse was fun to watch though!! but lmk any ideas/requests you guys want for a continuation. - this is inspired by too many nights - metro boomin & don toliver

You knew you were dead in his universe.

Every time he looked at you, Miguel would have a remorseful look on his face. It feels as though his heart shatters the moment he lays his eyes on you. And sometimes you could feel it. The way you sense his longing stare from afar. You can’t help but feel guilty for him. Even if you had no part in his world, that small fragment of your existence makes for it in heartbreak.

Jessica recruited you after one of the first few anomalies emerged. That night, the AI-generated by Lyla was monitoring the busy highways of Earth XXX. New York in your world was much darker, more grim. In clouds of thunder and everlasting rain, your city operated like an old junction train. It had a roughness to it. Everywhere you looked was shattered and torn apart. You could even notice the hot puffs of smoke in apartments. Every structure was distinct with its barred markings and wounds. It carries curiosity for outsiders. With its unpredictable weather and extended nights, numerous events could occur.

Dusk is where danger becomes alive. People were conscious of that. So when Lyla concluded her examination, Miguel and Jessica cautiously tried to locate their Spider counterpart.

You were skeptical of them. Your uncanny sixth sense never failed you. It’s so accurate that sometimes you hoped it was wrong. But in cases like these, you heeded your intuition. The concept of there being alternate versions of oneself, like Spiderwoman, is truly mind-blowing. In all of the same, you were all Spiderman. And there you stood in a back alley, introduced to a woman with a big afro, wearing a black and red suit. And a man with identical attire of dark blue and radiant red markings.

Through a great extent of compromise and explanation, you agreed to help them on their mission.

“When we’re done, you two have to go.” You recall saying with a look of agitation furrowed between your brows. Not that they could see your cold expression - you kept your mask on. But like all Spider men and women, they knew. Miguel and Jessica dart at each other and reluctantly nod, meeting your gaze. 

“In and out.” Spider-Man 2099 answers in a mellow fashion. You could sense something was on his mind. His thoughts scattered in an array of emotions. And you do not miss his last second glance at you before Jessica moved to exhibit a miniature hologram. 

The mission was finished a couple of hours later, three hours into the new morning. What you foresaw to happen quickly came and ended within minutes in your head. Because by four in the morning, the anamorphic creature had been sedated and taken in by an abundant amount of nets. Strings of bright red and white enveloped them. And as they struggled, the tighter the webs contracted. 

Luminous portal morphs behind you like the sunrise. It’s bright and colorful, similar to a coloring book in a children’s library. The altitude of rays glares against your webbed mask eyes. It takes a few seconds to readjust to the brightness as you blink continuously. It’s beautiful. Spiderman 2099 yanks the mindless anomaly across the floor toward the portal. His shoulders stag from fatigue and wounds. His partner took damage as well but heeds reluctantly. 

“We appreciate your help back there.” Spider-Man 2099 coughs not so subtly to catch your attention. “Without you, we would have had bigger things to deal with.”

“Sure,” You started, allowing some softness into your voice. “Helping you guys out is the least I could do.”

“You did more than help us out,” Jessica Drew swoops in, crossing her arms authoritatively. “You saved an entire universe. Your powers…” 

“How long ago did you say you were bitten?” Her male counterpart interrupts, flexing his shoulder perpendicular to you. Your Spider eyes arched upwards in a confused manner. 

“Why is that important?” You could feel the anticipation of what they wanted to request. Do you want to join us? Earth XXX always had its issues, the mistreatment of superheroes, alienated beings coming from outer space, and now alternative versions of Spider-people. New York XXX was your domain to rescue.

Most of your life, after you got bit, was already messy. You were weary. Your job slowly evolved to being a hassle. Every heist and bank robbery felt redundant and pointless. You felt like you were not changing the city for the better good. Although it seemed like an extraordinary possibility, you had a city to handle, a planet to protect. You were the few to endure numerous foreign and military raids. There was so much you would leave behind. You would leave Miguel behind, whom you have driven to protect since your debut as Spiderwoman. 

The other Spiderwoman glances at her partner in hesitation until he reciprocates with a nod. “Anomalies have become a huge problem for the last few months. It’s been tough to track them down since there aren't not many of us yet. But we could use all the help we can get. With your abilities, you won’t only be saving a couple of planets but the entire multiverse.” 

Spider-Man 2099 eyes down at you. You were in deep thought. He understands and has seen it all. Every Spider person he has met contemplates the same questions and morals. Should they risk it all and follow? What would happen to their world? Should they trust them? For some odd reason, he’s willing to be more understanding. Perhaps he feels strangely nostalgic whenever he looks at you. Because the more he stares, the more he feels a tinge of sorrow in his heart.

“I appreciate what you two are doing. But I’m afraid I can’t.” And just like that, his heart deflates pathetically like a balloon. “I’ve got a whole city to look out for. I can’t leave them behind.” 

Both of them sympathized with you. They were the same before assembling the Spider Society. 

“You won’t—“ 

“We understand. Thanks again for your help.” Just like that, he disregards you and pivots to leave. His response was brief with a hint of distraught. On the other hand, his partner shakes her head out of displeasure. Between the two, she was more in tune with her emotions with people.

Jessica offers you a painful grin. “Thank you for everything. Truly I mean it. And if you ever reconsider, always keep a sharp eye on us. We might come to visit sometime.” When the sun waked from its slumber, they were gone. The multicolor doorway was no longer there. Yet every fragment of their fight was still present.

Jessica had hoped to see you again. There was an underlying thread that told her you would join someday. You were a great fighter with capabilities that she and Miguel didn’t have. You were clever with your attacks. On top of that, you were standoffish and did terribly with jokes. For a short exchange, you became someone she dearly looked forward to. And if she didn’t know any better, Miguel’s too. 

Gwen was keen to get to know you. Why? With every waking hour in the Spider Society, she notices you. The cafeteria, in the peripherals of her conversation, and every other encounter with other Spider-people. You were there. In the corner of her eye, Gwen detects her sixth sense every time. It’s bizarre but something the teenager picks on. She’s curious about you and your presence. After months of training and going on missions, she becomes quite enamored in your existence as Spiderwoman. Seeing that not many female Spider individuals were reluctant to greet her, all Gwen had was Jessica.

Even with Jessica, her mentor and role model, she wants to be friends with you.

You were just you. It was a surprise that the mass majority were frightened of you. Your background was something that caused many eyes to divert. But Gwen did not mind their avoidant stares and hoped to learn more about you. People say Earth XXX was a disastrous universe with greater casualties than any other. And by assumption, people considered you a bold and terrifying warrior that endured more than you wanted. You’re broody like Miguel and don’t make conversation often. The only time you converse is for missions. In your line of position, you were unjust and tyrannical to most. But to her, you were a strong and dedicated leader. 

Gwen fears you. More so petrified if she ever finds you infuriated. There were always whispers and gossip about what you did to your victims on missions. Or forbid if one of the Spider-people violates a direct order. You would be livid to no end. Miguel acts on impulse, and so do you. People don’t know whether you would rip them apart or chuck them out of the building. Yet all the times she’s been to the Spider Society, she had never seen you angry. She thinks she’s not familiar yet to comprehend the nuances of your personality. 

After some time, Gwen confirms you do have a heart. It’s crude of people to believe you were raised and born to be this way. She recalls greeting you once. She was returning from another dimension and wanted to speak with Miguel. Her time at the Spider Society was short-lived. Yet she always made it her mission to catch you.

“You’re here to report back to Miguel?” Your soft-spoken voice almost startles her. It’s not as aggressive as she imagined it to be. Her pupils widened, mirroring back at yours. Your dark purple mask was on. The illuminating design compliments your entire suit. 

“Yeah! Uh, I just finished another mission,” the blonde nervously chuckles, already internally scolding at her behavior. It didn’t seem to bother you, more so you looked curious.  

“How’d it go?” She was almost frightened by how different you were from all the rumors. Your tough exterior was not always apparent, but it did exist. Gwen is impressed by your calm and composed demeanor.

She unconsciously rubs her neck, taking off her hood. “It went well! The anomaly wasn’t very complicated to track. I caught them in a jiffy.” 

“That’s… good to hear.” You expressed pondering what to say next. Casual conversation was never your thing. Moreover, interacting with others wasn’t your strongest pursuit. “I’m sure Miguel will be pleased.” 

Quickly the young teenager blows a raspberry. “Even if I did everything exactly as he told me, he’d still find a way to blame me.” Miguel was relentless and reticent. He’s extremely particular on missions since he constantly reminds everyone of the risks. Bargaining with the multiverse was treacherous. It concerned considerable unexplored opportunities and what-ifs. If someone did change a canon event, more anomalies would appear to wreck the universe.

You don’t laugh but hum in understanding. It was as if Gwen could discern your smile under your mask. “Uh, so what are you up to with Miguel?” 

“I have reports to give back.” You casually respond, dialing the area code. When the lights ensure green, the dark passageway unlocks. It’s eerie and has no source of light coming through it. A few times Gwen has gone through the hallway, shivers traveled down her spine. By now, she’s used to the benign deficiency of light. 

A few seconds passed by as you two walked down the hall. The only prominent sound came from the footsteps of your patted suits. A few beeps from computer monitors beam in the alertness of your presence. For a huge office, it lacked capacity. It’s quiet, the luminance of red rays flashing occasionally.

Miguel did not like bright lights, she’d assumed. Because anytime he would be present, little to no brightness came through the building. Even in the long dark hours, he hides in the shadows. In contrast, in the daytime, her leader rarely leaves his office. What catches her eyes is his suit. The red blood linings blaze dangerously. With his mask off, he stands in a rigid position. He’s organizing something on his computer, a report likely.

“Report 82B Lyla,” you command the AI to pull up a document. Gwen is slightly behind you, crossing her arms patiently. 

“Gladly.” The auto-generated woman winks at you and waves at the teenager. A yellow screen that the blonde presumes is the data script next to you. You start typing away, already slowly melding into the backdrop.  The young Spider can hear murmuring coming from Miguel as he concludes his last paragraph on the monitor. The screen suddenly fades, and Lyla appears back at his side, reorganizing everything per his request.  

“Gwen,” he starts before his eyes flicker to you typing. You glance at him before reading over the information on the digital file. He stretches his arms tiredly. “What’s your status?”

“Doing great sir!” She tries to reply jokingly but then coughs out of embarrassment. “The anomaly capture was successful.” 

“And the casualties?” Her boss draws up her file before skimming back at her anomaly report. Spiderman 2099 then walks back and forth as a way to focus. He reads what Jessica had remarked on her performance. 

“Little to none.” Gwen reaffirms with more emphasis. “He wasn’t difficult to track either. And I caught him easily.” Miguel hums and swipes away her profile. He nudged Lyla to show the screen recording video of the anomaly his associate managed to record of Gwen. The blonde teenager notices he gives her a satisfied look.

“You did good, kid.” With a yawning sigh, Miguel dismisses her before nodding back at his schedule. “You’re good to go. You’ll get notified when your next mission is.” Excitedly, the young Spider girl bounces with a hopeful grin. Even under the mask, you could sense her relief and satisfaction. “Oh, and next time stay hidden.”

“Sure thing!” The young teenager offers him an awkward thumbs-up before backing up to face you. You return her gesture with a little wave. Immediately the file you had in front of you was transferred to your leader. “I’ll see you around.”

The sound of rushed footsteps swiftly evaporates into the void behind. As mentioned, Miguel’s office is dim and gloomy. It was one of the few rooms where no one visited. But it was a great advantage as Gwen shuffles closely by the doorway. When the entrances shut, the lively ambiance she radiated gradually decays, and tranquility immerses. 

Your relationship with Miguel bothered her. Because, for the last three months, she has felt an unwanted feeling. She wasn’t sure if it was her intuition or her natural Spider senses tingling to be more wary whenever the two of you were in the room. It was typical for people to consider you and Miguel O’Hara were the same person from different universes. Maybe you were associates from one dimension and knew each other. Gwen did not know for sure. But through persistent questioning from Jessica, Hobie, and Pavitr, she became concerned that the two of you might be something more. Something more personal or private, there was an underlying truth that you came from a parallel background as Miguel. Everyone knew his story, but not many completely understood yours. 

Moreover, you scarcely mention your home universe. The most conversed with was the primary details of New York XXX. With its contaminated zones and corruption, your universe was horrific enough. Not once had you been keen to chat about life on Earth XXX, you were avoidant. However, Gwen gathered some details of your personal life. For example, you did part-time at Stark Tech and graduated with a master's degree in Biochemistry. She would have to thank Jessica for that part. 

But with no context, Gwen hypothesized something terrible happened to your planet similar to Miguels, if not worse. Did you have a family? You did not care to mention one. With such little information, all she could do was pester her friends. Because she truly wanted to get to know you. You, Spider-woman, the head of security and offensive danger of Neuve York.

So she attempts to attend to your conversation with Miguel O'Hara. If you two even had one, you both were born from the same pod of awkwardness. 

“Mission was successful.” You spoke without thinking. It felt automatic for you at this point. It has become a routine for you to report back to him daily. 

Lyla pulls up the report file in front of him. “And how did the new Peter do?” Miguel swipes from side to side and scans the content of what you have written.

Between the barricades, Gwen presumed you tightened against the discomfort felt in the room. “He did all right for his first mission,” She could almost imagine the lilac radiance from your suit against the scarcity of sunshine. “The guy’s new, what’d you expect?”

Miguel's face morphs into a scowl, evidently troubled. “I want your personal opinion,” he maintains forcefully, still not making eye contact with you. “Was he adequate for the job?”

Jessica made it a known truth that you were observant of many things. You had a knack for using your super hearing to take in intel and conversations particularly inclined to your line of work. Miguel’s comment about your prestige perception was a “particular asset” for their team. You were good at reading people because he always paired you with recruits. You knew what to say about their character and expertise.

“Like every other Peter, he’s fine,” You redirected your weight to your opposing leg out of irritation.

“Fine,”

“Great,”

“Come on guys! Lighten up the room here!” Lyla emerges on a more oversized screen, raising her arms in the air. “No offense.”

“Look, I just want you to stop giving me recruits for a while, okay?” Out of vexation, you crossed your arms. The grudge you had was beyond a minor nuisance. Not many saw it, including Gwen. 

You were aware of the unspoken friction between you and Miguel. It’s become a regular occurrence that reminds you so much of him. But this Miguel was different. What he was capable of and his background was separate. Yet with everything you had given him, Miguel could never look past it. He’s stubborn, something you could never shake off. Nonetheless, you knew you should not bring it up. But your patience was growing thin by the minute. 

It was the same dispute with Miguel. A suggestion would come up and be ignored by his eternal night schedule. It’s become a problem for you as you’ve continually sent messages to him in the past, stating your schedule change. Yet he never replied nor mentioned it in person. You did not have time to train recruits. You had other places to be. 

“Someone else can train them.”

“I think it would be better if you took them,” the brown-haired male sneers under his breath. His snarky remark does not bypass Gwen or your ears. “You’re in charge of security for a reason.”

“Head of security means I have more things to take care of,” Your wide arachnid pupils contracted in a sarcastic arch. “You’re holding me here.”

“So what if I am?” What was he getting at? Gwen did not understand what her boss was thinking. There was a quick pause until your padded feet strode forward. Your suit’s soft footing made a minimal sound that not even Gwen could hear. What she could concur was your jagged breathing. 

“What if you are..?”

“You’re the only person who knows Neuve York better than anyone else! I need you here for the time being,” Your leader whispers your name as if it was a last resort. He rarely calls you by your alias matter of fact, no one did. “Look, we have bigger things to deal with right now.” 

“Funny, you never mentioned these "things" before.” It sounded like a scornful blow. Because while you were one of the more skillful Spider-people, you rarely participated in group settings. You preferred to work alone or sometimes with another person. There was never an in-between with you. Perhaps it's the reason why Miguel was persistent in your mentoring.

“I want you to stay here all right!” Miguel snaps as he frustratedly pinches the bridge of his nose. A tense silence surged through the room. The walls tremble as though they were alive. With no one around, it feels like you were walking on edge with him, where the world revolved only around you and him. Empty and dull. In his domain and lab, Spider-man 2099 sulks and does not say another word. You ponder what he says, it's difficult to put together. You were disappointed in his loyalty and trust. However, you were also unhappy. A bizarre combination.

You realize the pitiful emotion of regret. Your heart cracks at the sound of his tremble of words. It seems like he said it for his benefit. It's complicated as it is to follow orders from Miguel. Regardless, you look back at his face. A fleeting flash in his eyes tells you of his remorse. His beating pulse from afar is rapid. The room suddenly feels hot, your hands clench together. 

The older Spider-Man grips his hair as a way to calm his nerves. “An anomaly breach has been spotted. Peter B confirmed it. And it should be me and Jessica’s responsibility to oversee it. So I need you here, in charge.”

It sounded like he was pleading, the teenager thinks. When has Miguel been this desperate in a situation? Everything she was hearing made Gwen reflect on everything you two discussed. The way you spoke to each other is distant and discomfiting. You particularly were stiff every time you saw him. And Miguel acted as though you were never there in the room. Like he was purposely ignoring your presence. Yet Miguel was never a person to plead for someone.

You inhaled slowly out of your nose. It is challenging to meet the gaze of your leader as you contemplate his comments. Above all else, you must prioritize what's at stake. Sudden breaches were serious threats. You consider Miguel's course of thinking. It was always he and Jessica to take over when things became chaotic. And it's you that comes last as a backup. It's the way and standard they have decided on. Your leader claims it's better to limit their troops before heading into danger. And Jessica can't help but agree. But you knew, still, you think of his personal feelings as well. Apart from every mission, you know Miguel's true intentions about you. The reason? The answer was as frank as it always has been.

But how insistent he has become and how sullen you felt afterward. With that, you stare up at the platform. “Fine.”

Gwen stops in confusion. This wasn’t the person she knew you as.

Lyla, who has been spectating in the background, observes her boss’s reaction. He seemed out of breath and tense. The very presence of you makes him uneasy. Even so, she could tell he wanted nothing more than to do what was best for Neuve York. If that means making you stay longer, you’d have no choice but to obey. And she wants the best for you. Lyla also hopes and pleads for you guys to reconcile someday.

“Are we done?” 

“Yeah… We’re done.” Miguel could his racing heart slow down. He pierces his lips together, his shoulder relaxing.

You hold a grim cast, swiftly turning to march toward the double doors. The atmosphere is heavy from the strained tension. Yet you stand your ground and continue out of the room, never sparing Miguel a glance. Reluctantly, the curly-haired man’s eyes soften in a moment of vulnerability. Your immediate departure left a bitter taste in the room. With no one else in the room, Miguel is finally alone. Again, in his thoughts, in darkness. His heart thumps steadily to know you're away from peril. Even if it meant you would be resentful of him, Miguel's content.

You vanish into the darkness. Your suit has a camouflage characteristic to it. Because you stray further from the doors, you can feel your whole body basking in the absence. And finally, you snatched your mask off in one swoop. With no eyes glaring back at you, your body trembles slightly. You didn’t realize how hot and sweaty you were at that moment. Like a breath of fresh air, you gasped full breaths continuously. Miguel could never see you without your mask. It was a secret in his presence, for his sake and yours. 

Out of a fearful situation, Gwen speechlessly heaves in astonishment. Unbeknownst, her hands and body shake. Her big discovery was making her head explode. How couldn’t she have known? You two hid it so well. She believed your dynamic was natural for your similar personalities. But the multiverse was more cruel than she thought. 

He cared for you.

The next morning, you were gone. Back onto your universe for a checkup. Because every so often, you receive information from Stark Tech or national news of Earth XXX's well-being. According to Stark, you may be considered reckless because you have an overextended work schedule. Your universe was a different problem. Your body and soul were born in this world. It holds a special spot in your heart.

You were not a full-time superhero. You occasionally helped Iron Man or Black Widow on scouting missions. Though you would say most of your work was predominantly independent. You relished in tranquility in what your jobs provided. Here is your small apartment in New York, where you did not have busy associates bugging you. 

Your city was quiet tonight. It brought you joy and ease. After Miguel’s little chat, you wanted to avoid the Spider Society. The heated conversation left a bad taste in your mouth. Now as you flee from Neuve York, you're welcomed to a more comfortable setting. The skies were majestic in your world. Its eternal darkness settles you back into your old life. The stars were out tonight but so tiny. And the honks of pedestrians frazzle your ears. A familiar tune plays outside of your dorm casually on the side of the building. In a world where terrible things happen, it's so peaceful tonight. 

Neuve York was never home to you. The people are indeed welcoming and sweet. But it's nowhere near how you feel with New York XXX. 

In opposition, Spider-Man 2099 commonly resides at Neuve York. After you decided to join the Spider Society, meeting Miguel became a usual thing. You learned many things about him. Such as his preference for food, whom he tolerates, and his story. Spider-man 2099 is a gruesome man with a tragic background. Disregarding your quarrels, Miguel was the one to recruit you. He was the same person who created the Spider Society and made Neuve York their main base. It was all thanks to him for your tremendous efforts.

Thus, when you walk inside your apartment, you try not to think about him. You flicked the light on and you relished in its comfort. It had been months since your last arrival. You had not felt relief in months due to your recruitment business. Apart from that, you occasionally did missions per Jessica's request. You were the head of security, many things had come up to you in the past year. All else aside, you weren't working right now. You were finally home. In a place where you could find solace. You stroll around, familiarizing yourself with the place. The decorations and furniture lead you back to old memories. Fresh and prepared to do anything. In your younger years, you would be ready for the worse. 

Eventually, you changed into pajamas. They were loose but comfortable. The sheer difference from your civilian wardrobe to your Spider suit is two completely different styles. But you weren't Spider-woman right now. You were just you. You were just a lonesome neighbor, wanting to eat.

You discovered there were leftovers in the fridge and reheated it. A random movie was playing that allowed your mind to rest. The concrete table you had in the kitchen had a beautiful set of gray colors. It's marble which compliments the cupboards next to them. You feel nostalgic thinking about it. When you first moved in, nothing in your apartment was the same. You had to renovate everything to satisfy your vision. And as it turned out, your kitchen was one of your accomplished projects.

You look back on the fond memories you had as a young adult. Now years later, your mind and thinking have matured. Many things have changed since you became Spiderwoman. Your life now was on a constant radar. And as you sit down on your couch with a bowl of rice and teriyaki steak, you sigh. Your life was not going to get easier. It would not get more difficult from here. The movie playing on your television catches your attention. A single line from the main character reminds you of what your uncle had once told you.

With great power comes great responsibility. 

The morning ran by rather quickly. You didn’t realize how much time had passed until your eyes slowly registered the fluffy covers on top of you. The natural illumination coming from your window displays next to you. You can see the small particles of dust in the air. The world is a blur for you for a moment. Until you awakened in your bed, the scent of vanilla and blueberries distinctly attracted your nose. Your legs slowly lifted themselves to the floor. You note that you don't remember showering or cleaning after yourself last night. You'd assumed you were carried straight to bed.

The sun was so bright and delightful outside. For once New York was not raining today on its cool morning. And rubbing your eyes, you casually walk toward the scent. “Morning,” You yawn clumsily, leaning towards the nearby counter. Unfortunately, you slipped and failed to catch the edge of the table.

Luckily a fast hand reaches out and holds onto your forearm. “Morning, mi amor.” 

You blink up and give your savior an adorable smile. “Morning.” In return, he laughs at your drowsiness. Your hair, most likely was a mess. And your face was probably droopy from sleepiness. Not to mention the sweat and dirt you endured from the previous mission. 

You were guilty. Even after returning home, you did not take the time to shower yet. “Sorry, I was exhausted yesterday.” 

“No need, amor,” your fiancé gives you a sympathetic look, squeezing your bicep, “I didn’t know you would come home so soon. I should’ve set up dinner for you.” 

“It's all right.” You wave a hand in reassurance before sitting on one of the stools. “I had some leftovers.” 

Your partner flips a pancake and grins. “Yes, I could tell.” There was an underlying teasing tone you sensed. “But don’t worry, that’s why I made you breakfast.” At the word, he places the last pancake on a white plate. Grabbing fresh blueberries from the sink behind, he sprinkles the rest onto the pancakes. Adorningly, you giggle at his gestures of courtesy. In casual clothes, he wears your cute little apron. It has little pink hearts on it. His stature looms over you easily as he leans in with a charming look. 

With the maple syrup in hand, you eagerly look at the pancake and then back to him. “Thank you, Miguel.”

[st4rrth0ughts]

Kavetham/ Haikaveh/ Alhaitham + Kaveh character analysis because yes

a/n: why is their colour christmas themed

This post will contain Kaveh and Al Haitham's past, Haitham's story quest, voicelines spoilers, Sumeru Archon Quest spoilers, shipping mentions!! proceed with caution. Enjoy my 2nd yap session :3

First, Al haitham. No, he is not a cold, apathetic alpha male that will abuse Kaveh (you heard me), he is a man with depth, depth!! He is the Scrbe of the Akademiya, now the Grand Sage, and he not remotely near anything of the fanon interpretations i mentioned above.

He is a man who not so much as struggles with emotions in that sense, but can be extremely blunt when getting his point across, as see throughout the archon quest. Because of this, people around the Akademiya and i think some people outside(?) call him cold, mean, and many negative traits.

Al Haitham was extremely close to his grandmother, and he has no recollection of his mother and father, who died very early in his childhood by a car accident. His grandmother, as far as i know, was one of his closest, perhaps his only family member. And she's dead.

Now, onto the blunt side (i'll get into Kaveh through his paragraph, trust). This blunt side of Al haitham is shown when speaking to Kaveh (i think during his story quest), which may spark the view in game and maybe some fan's interpretations that they hate each other's guts. But Haitham really does care for Kaveh, he just doesn't show it lik how Kaveh shows his care for Haitham, yk? Its a miscommunication issue between these two.

In turn, Laveh is a emotional, and emotionally intelligent man. His kindness is often taken advantage of. An example, Dori and her palace of alcazarzaray, which until now, he still owes debt towards her until now. Kaveh himself is a man who has a heavy and deep story to him. His father had passed away, and he had to watch his mother fall into a deep depression, and eventually, she moved to Fontaine after being offered a job there. So he's alone, great. Kaveh is a man who is emphathetic of the people around him, and ever so thoughtful. But it has its flaws. He's emotionally volatile, and far too considerate of everyone around him. A doormat, essentially.

Now, Haitham and Kaveh's bond. Romantic or platonic, they have history, you cannot deny that. They've known each other since theri schooling days at the Akademiya, and even if everyone who sees them on surface level, think of them as roommates who bicker, hate each other's guts, no. 100% wrong, incorrect buzzer, go cry. They care for each other, in their own little ways, you know? If they did hate each other, you'd think they'd even talk?? Im sure ecen if their roomates, they'd find ways to avoid each other if their enemies.

Kaveh and Haitham's bond, shipping or not, runs much, much deeper than simply schoolmates turned roommates who bicker and argue all day. If Haitham doesn't care for Kaveh, he'd surely kick him out. Dont forget, even though he collects rent from Kaveh, he's willing to let him stay. No enemy does that (yes, im looking at you enemies x y/n stories, no, haitham and kaveh are not that dynamic) for you except in your dreams. Likewise, if Kaveh hates Haitham's guts, he would most likely find his own place by now, even if he is kind and generous with mora, he'd save just to get away. So no, they dont hate each other, enough about 'enemies to lovers' troupe with them.

Now, this may be a lil bit of a stretch, but their voicelines contrast each other perfectly. Kaveh's favourite foods are hot soup and fruits, and Haitham's least favourite food? You guessed it, hot soup because he doesn't like eating that while reading. Even one of their idles match, its even canon, Al Haitham likes to take Kaveh's house keys, making Kaveh wait and have to ask Al Haitham to open the door. The two of them were made with love by hoyo, and whether you ship these two or not, they have a deep and close bond that unless you read their voicelines and stories, and other character's observations of them, its a little bit difficult to understand them both, separately or as a ship.

Conclusion: Al Haithem and Kaveh are complex characters by themselves, and their bond is equally as intricate as them. I may not play genshin as much, but i love them both.

[barelymaddy]

General love reading

Pile 1 Pile 2 Pile 3

Pile 1

Cards:4 of swords,3 of wands,6 of wands,Judgement(Tarot of the Divine);Release your ex(Romance Angels);Pansy(Botanical Inspirations oracle)

Hello Pile 1!First of all,i feel a very exciting energy coming from this pile,so maybe you feel ready to get back into the dating game!I see that your love life might have been stagnant for a while,maybe even heartbreaking for some,but no worries!Your efforts were noticed by The Universe!You are encouraged to step out and go outside if you didn't already.Try and join as many events and you will notice many people admiring you.Now its the time for you to shine!I get a feeling that you will meet someone special in the near future who will really help you grow.It is possible that some of you will live the fairytale romance that you always dreamed of this summer!No matter what,your love life will certainly not be dull anymore,Pile 1.For some of you,this connection will help you release old lovers or old habits that stayed in the way of your emotional growth.Try to be optimistic and you will surely be rewarded by the universe!There is a lot of focus here on being confident (hot girl summer💅).Im also picking up on fire energy so either you or your person could be a fire sign or things will move very quickly for you.

Other messages:the color orange,ladder, sunrise,bondage,horse,carnaval,mountain,text message,night time,garden

Pansy meaning in flower language:"Think about me"

Song:

Pile 2

Cards:10 of coins reversed,Page of cups,5 of swords,Queen of cups(Tarot of the Divine);Healing family issues(Romance angels);Peony

Hey there Pile 2!So i noticed very quickly that your energy is blocked,which also affects your love life.You recently have gone through a betrayal of some sorts.This person really took advantage of you and made you feel very unstable.Spirits told me that you need to open up your heart to others and seek out help.It is not good to bottle up your feelings.I'm also hearing that this person might have been from your family or your family is an important element when it comes to your love life.This events left you without hope for the future but you mustn't give up!There are lot of amazing things held in store for you!If you learn to open up The Universe will help you to move on and find the love that you always craved for.I'm hearing that a female figure in your life is worried about you and really insistent in talking with you about your feelings.Don't let anybody hold you back from working towards your dream life!Try to appreciate your present a bit more,and you might find some surprises!For some of you,there's a person who has a crush on you but they're refusing to tell you in fear of rejection and because they know that you're going through tough times.No matter what,you'll come out stronger from this, but you don't have to do it alone.There is love all around you you just have to notice it!

Other messages:baby pink,crib,downtown, forest,Last Night in Soho(movie),knife,flowers, napkin,crying session

Peony meaning in flower language:"Anger and shame"/"Prosperity and compassion"

Song:

Pile 3

Cards:Knight of cups,The World,The Hanged Man,10 of cups reversed(Tarot of the Divine);Getting to know each other(Romance Angels);Hyacinth

Hey Pile 3!So it looks like you have been talking recently with a person that you tought will be your future partner but it just didn't work out.The spirits say that you're too fixated on finding love and you need to take a break and enjoy life.Only then you will be able to receive romance into your life.You've worked very far to get here and it would be a shame to not enjoy your acomplishments.Try and give the same attention you give to other people to yourself.You will then benefit from a glow up!You will also start to enjoy your presence so much that you wont even think about love,and then BAM!💥Love will come knocking at your door!I'm also hearing that you need to take things slow.Maybe try to really get to know the people around you instead of romanticizing them.You will be surprised by some of them!(in either good or bad ways).You need to learn to fall in love with the person,not the idea of them you created in your head.I know you may feel very unfulfilled right now in your love life,but it will get better,you just need to learn to choose the right people for you.Don't be a doormat to them!(this was for a specific person lol,their spirit guide was screaming at me🤣).Overall,don't take things too seriously,try to be a bit more playfull and remember to have fun and put yourself first for once!

Other messages:rose garden,greenhouse,water, warm weather,vacation,pink,shopping,Hawaii, cabin,friends,lovers,big birds,Mexico,family time

Hyacinth meaning in flower language : "Constancy"/"Playfulness"

Song:

That's it,hope it resonate with you~

[angel-sweets666]

Sweetheart~

The creature x fem!reader

a frilly pink outsider from New Orleans finds a undead love sick man, and doesn’t know what to do with him! chapter one Warning: swearing, possible drug use, murder.

word count 1,325

A/N HIIIIIII, I sent an ask to a writer on here a few days ago and I had the idea to write the fanfic myself! just thought it would be cute and I wanted to try and write it in my own style! This is gonna be in multiple parts in a series! Hopefully about ten parts maybe more with some one shots in between while writing (by the way I haven’t watched Lisa Frankenstein yet because it’s not out in Australia so im obviously going to be missing a few parts, I’ll try to fit them in as flash backs)

It had been a few days since *name* had found The creature, he broke into her room after leaving her mother’s rosary on his grave. Since then *Name* had been keeping him hidden away from her family in her closet, however trying to hide him from her snoopy step sister, taffy; seemed to be easier said then done. change of pov

“I mean! Is it so weird to drink milk from the carton?” You asked this zombie thing, he stared at you then shrugged “your soooo much help…” you rolled my eyes. “So like… is it peaceful down there? In the grave?” You questioned him, he slowly groaned and shook his head; his way of saying no “I would ask what’s it like but I’m far too lazy” you giggled, placing a joint into your mouth then turning your head to look at him. The creature looked disapproving, but as of right now he couldn’t show much emotion; he didn’t have eyebrows and was missing a hand and his ear. “What? People smoked cigars in your day. You probably smoked cigars!” You exclaimed, he groaned and reached his good hand to try and “confiscate” your joint “ah! No. This was a good $30.” You pulled your hand away “I’ll quit, trust. Anyways, WHAT DO I WEAR TO SCHOOL” you groaned

You ended up finding an outfit that both you, taffy and the creature agreed on. A light coloured (your choice) wool sweater, a black mini skirt, some black leggings, white leg warmers and black Mary Jane’s with little bows on them with your hair curled and in a half up half down with a bow. This frilly pink style often got you picked on and snickered at by your peers, you looked like THE biggest girly girl in the whole world. It was 1989 and you weren’t exactly the most popular.

in the car

Taffy grinned to you “soo… anyone you think is hot yet..?” She giggles “Uhm…. No” I chuckled “oh.. that one guys kind of cu-” “WHO TELL ME RIGHT NOW, NO WAIT DONT TELL ME, NO WAIT DO. DO TELL ME” she squealed into your ear “that uh.. micheal Trent guys kind of cute” she made a face “eaugh….” (Honey you slept with him…..) “what..?!” You yelled “WHY HIM?” “CAUSE HES A CUTIEE” “whatever you say” “I do say, I do” you rolled your eyes “yk most sisters are supportive right?” You told her “Mkay, they support good decisions” she said as she turned a right the car “schools to the left taf’” you reminded her “I wanna get some iced coffee” she said like it was nothing “WERE GONNA BE LATE” “SHUT UP NO WERE NOT JESUS H CHRIST”

after school (sorry for all the time skips but this is a creature x reader not let’s watch taffy and reader argue about coffee)

“uGHhhHhH school suckeds” you groaned as I walked into your room, slumping against the wooden door resulting in it shutting, the creature looked at you with furrowed brow, confused by the statement “yes they let girls go to school. It’s 1989 get with the times” the creature groaned and lifted its hand or rather lack there of “I can’t.. I can’t just get you new parts…” you told him, shrugging. He threw a little zombie tantrum, groaning and flopping onto the bed“calm down calm down!” You yelled as you tried to hold him down, grabbing his upper arm to hold the undead man in place “look I can’t get get you new pa-“*NAME LAST NAME*” a horrible screech came from your step mothers throat, clearly trying to pick yet another fight. “Go go go” you said quietly as you ushered the creature into your closet, shutting the wooden door in his face. “…yes..?!” You replied to her, she opened your door “what.. the hell.. is wrong with you?” She gets into your face “what I do?” You looked confused to her “you’re talking to yourself, throwing things. You lied to us telling us our house got broken into! That was fine china you threw!You’re going crazy aren’t you? Trying to get the towns attention because you had your old towns attention? Your nothing but a joke, a mentally ill joke.” She snaps “huh?!” “You know what I’m going to throw you into a mental facility, just to get rid of you…” you gasped, shook your head and backed away slowly “no…” you whispered, trying to avoid such misery “yes.. impatient lock down!” You gasped again “special socks n all” suddenly, a loud smack and a sickening cracking noise. The creature had grabbed the old sewing machine and slammed it onto Janet’s head “oh good lord..” you backed away and began to whimper, the creature waddles towards you and tried to hug you to calm you down, wrapping his strong but cold and dead arms around you. You whimpered and cried since now you felt like your responsible for a dead woman. He pulled away from the hug, made a groan then twisted his body towards the night table and grabbing the scissors off it. The creature leaned down and slowly, sliced off Janet’s pierced ear. The red blood poured down her makeup caked face, going down with the blood she was already gargling up and onto the carpet. The creature stood up, and held up the blood covered ear, offering it to you. With shaky hands you slowly grabbed it “d-do you want me to Uhm.. uh.. oh god…sew it back on..?”

The creatures cold and curly haired head laid in your lap, as you secured Janet’s now amputated ear to the left side of his head, double checking it was inline with the rest of his head and in the right spot for his side burns. “I don’t think.. can you hear out of it..?” You asked, yanking at the ear “can you feel it?” You questioned the undead man again, he groaned “okay yeah I forgot you don’t have a tongue.” You sighed

(flash back)

“maybe you wanna try laying in my tanning bed? Get some colour in ya?” Taffy suggested as she pat your cheek “I’m good, that thing would electrocute me.” You chuckled as you applied lip gloss, trying to get ready for a party that taffy was going to drag you to then have to take you home early like she always did. “Cmon! You’ll look good.. trust me” she smiled comfortingly “okay fine.. pass the sunscreen” you decided to humour her, holding your hand out for the plastic bottle of spf. As you went to lay down in the tanning bed, a spark hit you, then two, then three. Then…. Crack . It electrocuted you “TAFFY!” “okay I’m really sorry you got electrocuted earlier, I didn’t know it would do that .”, you huffed disappointingly

you ended up getting harrassed that night by a short guy called Doug, he kept trying to hit on you and sexually assault you. He made you incredibly uncomfortable

end of flash back

“Didn’t you say you were killed and brought back by a lightning strike, maybe electricity can add things to you!” You squealed in surprise as you rushed him down the stairs and into the magenta tanning bed. Your hand reached towards the crank, putting it into a certain level and then stepping back to see if it would work. Sparks flew in all sorts of directions, left right and centre. “Please don’t be hurt please don’t be hurt” you begged quietly, then a ding! Like an oven saying it’s finished baking, our little zombie boy was finished baking! As you opened the lid and he slowly, but hilariously sat up like a vampire. You decided to see if he could heat “can you hear me!” You yelled and he groaned “can ya?! Yeah!?! CAN YOU HEAR ME?” you kept yelling and he kept groaning. “OH MY GOD IT WORKED! HOLY SHITTTT” you clapped excitedly.

a/n sorry it’s short it’s one of my first fanfics, I hope you enjoyed and tell me if you want some more!

[myzticmint]

Emotional hurt from your mom/maternal figure is such a demoralizing fucking feeling. Like I am here because of you, yet I don’t matter to you.

To know someone deeply loves you but still couldn’t give a shit is a crazy juxtaposition. Because it’s not love… its motherly POSSESSION.

I dont exist outside of the context of being your child. You can’t see me past your annoying child. You don’t realize I am a human seperate from you. I have emotions, thoughts, feelings seperate from you. But they don’t matter to you.

We work so hard to see the humanity, give grace to these boomer and gen x Mothers. Im sorry most will NEVER give you the grace and respect back. You are not a human being to them. You are the thing they had. Im tired of holding space for this lady, giving her chance to see me. HEAR me. UNDERSTAND me. And continually not show up for me when it REALLY counts.

It’s extreme emotional neglect, the root of like all my issues. I try to not make her feel bad but idk… maybe I should.

I knew this mercury retrograde transiting over my 4th house was going to be triggering af I felt it. Still couldn’t combat the energy I KNEW was coming my way. Not feeling too hot.

[klausysworld]

hello !! i was wondering if you could do a friends to lovers angst with a happy ending fic with klaus and gender neutral reader??

Always and Forever.

Being Klaus Mikaelson’s best friend has its issues lets say. You know with the permanent target on my back and his siblings always needing me to sort him out. It gets a little ridiculous. But i kinda signed up for it so eh what you gonna do?

Im a werewolf, Klaus and i met through Hayley when she wanted me to help look after Hope. Once Hope was born the Mikaelsons began taking out their enemies one by one so that when Hope grows up she can be safe. I’m an emotional support animal for them most of the time and i got used to that role. They all tell interesting stories anyway as they’re like a million. Klaus has just always been my favourite though, like have you seen him?? yea he’s fucking hot. Accent? to die for. He paints his feelings and is a great dad, if i didn’t know he was a psychotic serial killing original hybrid id be screaming husband material…sooo

So i have like a teensy crush on him. It’s not like im gonna get with him though, its just a you’re cute and i see you all the time and you make me blush and make me feel butterflies in my stomach and i think about you all the time kind of thing you know?

doesn’t matter. Anyway… right now im sat with hope in the play room. We’re both sat on a big beanbag reading kids books, she’s learning how to read and spell so it’s fairly amusing listening to her pronounce it.

Halfway through the book there was a loud slamming and a mix of all the siblings yelling, Klaus’s being the most heard as usual

“hope honey? you keep reading okay? im gonna be right back yea?” i told her and hiss her temple

“bye bye y/n, don’t get mad at dada he gets sad when your mad” i smiled at her and waved as i closed the door so she couldn’t hear the argument

i made my way down the stairs and to the main room where Klaus was pointing a dagger at Rebekah while Elijah was cautiously making his way closer to Niklaus

“ah shit” i whispered but they all heard me and heads turned to me. Klaus visibly gulped and hesitated when on his grip of the dagger, he didn’t like me to see his violent side knowing that i was someone who actually liked him it scared him that i would leave too

“love, you need to go back with Hope for a bit please.” i kept my eyes trained on his as i neared the situation, Elijah took a step towards Rebekah so they could make a run for it when Nik was in a less aggressive position

“can we talk about what you want to do before you do it? Hopes waiting for you, she wants to read you a story, she’s getting really good at her big words now” i could see his face softening, he glanced at the floor for a second before nodded stiffly, i put my hand out and he dropped the dagger into it, the other siblings sped out of the room immediately.

i took his hand and lead him up the stairs i stopped outside the play room and looked at him for a moment

“you can’t go in mad you know that…” he kept his eyes down as he nodded, it was then that he sniffed and i noticed the tears in his eyes

“hey, it’s okay, come on, come here” i brought to his room instead and sat him down on his bed, i put the dagger somewhere on his shelf and moved to lay down on his bed, i tugged his arm making him lay with his head on my shoulder and his arm across my body while he curled into my side. i pet his hair and rubbed his back

“don’t be sad honey, you’re too pretty to pout” i felt his tears hit my skin and held him tighter

“i can’t keep either of you safe, not…you and not Hope, i c..i can’t” i kissed his head softly and squeezed his arm

“you are doing such a great job nik, Hope and i both know how hard you’re working, everyone is gonna keep her safe, you are doing so well, i promise you that” he made a little noise, somewhat like a whimper that i don’t think he meant to let out

“but you’re not safe, you’re never safe anymore. It’s because of me and we both know that” i shook my head and sat us both up, i cupped his face between my hands and stroked his stubble

“im here by my choice, i want to be here. You don’t need to worry about me okay?” tears seemed to never stop falling from his pastel blue eyes

“i can’t lose you” he whispered making my heart break, i brought his face closer to mine and kissed his forehead

“you won’t, im staying”

“you promise?”

“you want me to give you my word all Elijah style?”

he laughed at that and nodded resting his head against mine

“i, as an honorary Mikaelson, give you, Niklaus Mikaelson, my very special, ultra powerful word that i will never, ever leave you. I love you.” he was smiling wide and laughing

“mmm that was very ultra specially powerful i must say, and i love you too” i laughed with him and wrapped my armed around his neck

“mm yes Mr Mikaelson only the uttermost best for you, my lord” i spoke in a mocking accent and threw my head back dramatically

“you are amazing you know that?” he spoke in a hushed tone and i nodded with a warm smile

“I love you.” his face was serious as he said it making me giggle

“uhuh i love you too we say it all the time” he shook his head and pulled me closer

“you don’t understand, i love you, not like you’re my friend and i love you like, i want to be with you and marry you love you!” he didn’t give me a chance to respond before his lips were on mine, i kissed back as fast as possible as we melted against each other

“i love love you too Nik, remember if you marry me its gotta be always and forever though and i expect a ring” he chuckled to that and nodded hastily

“ the best ring, the best dress, the best everything for you my love, always and forever”

i was smiling ear to ear as i nodded

“We need to go see Hope”

“I think she’s listening at the door..”

little giggles sounded through the room as she launched herself at us both

“i wanna be a flower girl!!”

we all stayed up late reading stories with hope and looking at engagement rings, supernatural war or not, we would stay together. Always and forever.

[tackypies]

the many layers of kiara

hello! im here to shill about why kiara's a fantastic villain and why i love her so much :^) the deeper aspects of her character are veiled behind subtext and tidbits of lore sprinkled throughout fgo and ccc, so here's a post compiling them!

cw child abuse, child neglect

kiara is described as a woman who's "introverted" and "timid" yet "active" by the fate/extra materials. she's a mass of contradictions - a nun who's sensual, a submissive personality who acts solely for her own pleasure. andersen... doesn't have many nice things to say about her

the shingon tachikawa school actually existed. it's a failed branch of shingon buddhism drawing inspiration from esoteric buddhism, specifically sexual pleasure and intimacy to achieve enlightenment. records of it are scattered, as its reputation is... Not Too Hot

needless to say, kiara was raised in a cult since her birth. from her max bond ce, the materials, and the fgo ccc manga, we can infer that she lived an isolated and lonely life. after all, what cult would neglect a sick child to the brink of death?

what hammers the point home is that fgo!kiara was happy. she was saved by an outsider who cured her sickness. because of that, she was able to leave the cult and have a normal life - to experience everything ccc!kiara was not able to. when zepar puts her ccc memories into her, kiara is horrified. she's traumatized. the weight of what she experienced - the childhood she underwent in another universe, coupled with the madness growing in SERAPH - was so bad that zepar had to remove her kindness in order for her to accept what had happened to her.

which leads to her character-defining lines, her reason for her hedonism and evils:

there was no one to save kiara. there was no one to let her out of the hell she was born into. in the end, she still died before ccc's beginning, existing only as a spiriton copy, and she no longer had a place in the real world.

the true tragedy of kiara is she's a twisted version of the little mermaid. she wants to understand what it means to live a human life, to feel human emotions. at the end of ccc, she begs andersen to tell her the difference between ai (愛) and koi (恋) - she's never known "koi." andersen puts it aptly in his confession to her:

kiara's tragedy is that she was born and raised to be a symbol and savior, without any regard for her humanity. because of this, she had to struggle to justify WHY humanity was worth saving when there was a lack of it in her home. all she ever saw was pain and chaos

again: she is the only human. she must be, bc that's why others would enact such heinous crimes in her name. bc that's the only way she can continue being a savior when she was exposed only to humanity's ugliness.

anyway! i love kiara and if u want an in-depth abt her i wrote one here :^) thank u bye

[renjibozo]

episode 8 trailer dropped, you know what that means !

guess who's back for another prediction.

ok first off before i put the cut, i just think rei's english is so pleasant to the ears that's all

okay spoiler territory time

(edited a little to add in a little something)

it seems we're finally at that point of PV 2 and 3 where they started planning and preparing a birthday !

but first let me just cry about how cute the conversation between kazuki and rei are before i get into the topic of the scenes playing in the trailer

(don't trust my translation 100% i am only going off of how i understand it with limited knowledge)

Rei: Because Miri came, I started to feel the seasons. Kazuki: That's true∼ Rei: And I thought summer was just hot. Kazuki: You do become more of a hikikomori when the summer comes... Rei: Summer was just limited to coolers, but... Kazuki: But? Rei: There were... also days where I thought the sunlight was nice

also this

Rei: It's the first time that I've ever thought that I liked this weather Kazuki: Barbecuing on tiles sounds good too Rei: I'll have to refuse. Kazuki: Eeh?

i love how rei's a little more talkative and especially about his likes and dislikes when it comes to summer

anyways onto the scenes!

kazuki and miri are preparing but i'm still not sure if they're preparing for rei's birthday because putting kazurei's conversation aside, it should be related to the episode still like the previous trailer for episode 7

since miri's zoo trip is over and the rainy season was shown in episode 7, and kazurei talked about the summer weather, i can only guess that it really is gonna be a rei birthday thing because no way is it miri's birthday bc hers is in november, and her acquisition was in christmas eve

rei bday might be somewhere between june to september

i will cry if i get this correct

the suwa manor i assume??

we don't really see rei outside of the house on his own especially in work attire so this is new new

this implies that despite kyutaro once looking at rei saying he knows the consequences of betraying the organization the most, he is in contact with his boss (father)

did he have an escape attempt once? is this episode going to elaborate on that? this seems more of a rei backstory episode after kazuki's backstory episode

local malewife malewifing as usual, nothing out of the ordinary except he looks just a bit more natural in his position rather than vaguely distressed

im willing to bet kazuki's the one who did her hairstyle because i feel like rei would just accidentally tug on her hair every few seconds but i might be proven wrong or they never show us

favorite child and unfavorite child face off? they have similar facial structures and hair strand placement

the color contrasts is screeching into my face as well

(also i just think rei looks like slender man in that screenshot jesus christ he is terrifying)

now why is this man here

he cannot be related at all so whats he doing here !! was he hired by rei's boss to take care of him or something !!!! curious. so curious

i really do wonder what sort of conversation they're having in the midst of a gunfight inside a ship

maybe the organization found out about miri and them taking in miri?

the infamous "Rei-papa looks lonely sometimes" scene which really just wants me to think its a rei bday episode

NOW WHAT IS THIS !!!! HELLO !!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT HAPPENED LITTLE CRINGEMAN

he's showing too much emotion so i'm convinced that there was a threat made to miri and kazuki by favorite poster suwa child

we never see this man with any kind of scratch or wound from episodes 1 to 7 during gunfights, but we see him a little roughed up in this scene for once which really screams this man might be nearly superhuman but he is not Immune to physical damage (nor is he immune to psychological warfare)

this episode has me hyped because it seems like a tenser vibe compared to kazuki's more melancholy confrontation with his past which he ends up coming to terms with

hopefully rei does get back home safe and sound even if he gets a wound or two, manifesting!!

thats all folks, thanks for coming to my newest installment of yuzu loves overanalyzing 40 seconds of footage

[targetf0rce]

Transfering this from my twitter! NSFW Stoncy! I am working on making this a full on fic and not a drabble but im very burnt out rn Pairing: Jonathan Byers/Steve Harrington/Nancy Wheeler Rating: Mature Tags: Smut, Fluff, Bottom Steve, Switch Jonathan, Top Nancy, Future fic Jonathan returns late to their flat, its dark outside while the city is still alive. He quietly creeps into their home because they tend to sleep early due to work.

He enters the main bedroom and finds steve laid on his back, naked on top of the sheets. His head in the pillow and he could make out the dopey, content look he gets on his face from getting fucked out.

Nancy is perched on him, her thighs bracketing Steve's, Jon can tell shes wearing a strap on and its buried deep in Steve due to the bulge of his abdomen and his hard dick that has been leaking all over his stomach. For long enough that its even dried there too. He can swear that he can see it on his chest too, and on Nancy.

She's not thrusting into it. Just holding it in him while he lazily smiles at her. Sometimes Steve got this way where he wanted to be full and warm on the inside. He was a massive suckler for cock-warming and would fall asleep like that, even if he halfheartedly complains about his arse aching afterwards.

Jonathan approached their bed, melting at the way Steve's sleepy eyes would shift to his and were filled with such emotion. He whined at him softly and reached his hands out towards him while Nancy giggled.

"Use your words, Steve." She chided lightly.

"Kiss, please?" He voiced softly and Jonathan couldn't refuse.

He leaned down and pressed his lips against Steve's. Shuddering when his hands grabbed the collar of his shirt to guide him. Those soft plump lips parting as Jonathan kissed at him hungrily while he could feel Nance kissing at his shoulder and nape.

When he felt Steve trying to stick his tongue in his mouth he pulled away, their breathing laboured as they gazed at each other. Steve's eyes half lidded and his lips kiss swollen.

Steve whined for him desperately and tightened the hold on his collar

"Steve, you look tired." Jon urged softly.

"Want you too though."

Jonathan had to ignore the twitch of his dick at his words and shook his head.

"You've already got Nance. You can't have me too."

"'ve got a mouth." He stated with big puppy eyes. And honestly, he was weak for him. He couldn't help but crumple.

"I'm sure Steve can be a good boy for us both, can't you?"

He nodded happily at that, his smile growing a little as hands hovered around the fly of his jeans. Not undoing them yet until Jonathan stated he could, but waiting patiently.

"Okay. But I want you to pat my waist or thigh if you want me to pull out okay?"

Steve nodded, tenderly unbuttoning his jeans for him. His eyes on Jon's too detect any little change in his comfort and demeanour. He must have not found anything as he gently slipped down his boxers to free his cock and licked at the head softly. Jonathan couldn't help but moan at his tongue lapping at him, before slowly slipping his dick into his mouth. He rested a hand on the shaft to help guide it in for Steve and smiled softly at the guttural hum he made in contentment.

"Look at him, he's such a good boy, keeping us so well in him." Nancy cooed.

He couldn't miss the muffled moan and slow shut off his eyes at her praise. He knew Steve was content and safe. Happy and warm. Their boyfriend slowly drifting off to gentle praises and comforting touches. Their bodies hot and close in a warm intimacy. Steve gradually fell asleep with a Jonathan's dick down his throat and Nance's strap on in his ass.

Jonathan pulled out from his mouth and gently wiped his face and body clean with wipes for him. Taking care with cleaning up their baby boy.

Nancy stayed in him, but she shifted to lay on Steve. Her head resting in the crook of his neck, while Jonathan settled beside them both, snuggling up to Steve as Nancy wrapped an arm around him. Jon couldn't ask for more in his life, he's happy.

[wondero28]

Hey wonder, I hope you’re doing well :> Idk if you still continue the 4town Fboy series but my friends and I are still wild over it. It’s truly An amazing series!!

I was wondering what’s something the person the boys are interested in could do to make them fold or show genuine interest in them?

I’ve risen from the dead I suppose!

Im still around. Still invested in 4town. Still think about them daily lol

But truthfully i’ve moved on from the fboy 4town thing, it was originally just a bad joke that i kept writing for cause it kept getting traction & i liked the attention. i was having fun with it at the time, but now its just kinda goofy & feels a little awkward. I made them too sympathetic originally lol, but this is the first writing request ive had in such a long time. I really don’t mind doing it.

Just know this is the last time ill probably ever write for fboy town, it’ll be kept short too^^ Maybe ill go back & revisit those designs i made for them & repurpose it, maybe not!

Oh also, the genuine answer for this is that most of them WOULDNT get genuinely invested. Because they’re all emotionally fucked over guys who need therapy lol. But these headcanons humor the idea that they’d genuinely change

+

You’re free to write your own fboy shenanigans based off what I originally did too. I dont mind. You don’t need to credit either, i think id just like to leave these guys behind after this /lh

Either way, its nice to see someone here again 💜

——

What the fboys are attracted to + what might make them fall

—

Robaire

- genuinely? he’s attracted to independence

- Like its a little silly & a little cliche but Robaire is kind of only genuinely invested in people who give 0 shits about him. He’s not used to someone not caring about his status, money, or power. But when a person is independent & confident in themself, when they mind their own business and simply dont fucking perceive him as some sort of idol- he thinks its hot

- It drives him crazy though. He likes the worship and praise. Even if his friends are faux and he knows it, he likes feeling wanted and desired. And when someone doesn’t inherently just want him, he wants them even more

- So even if you DO want him, the best way to genuinely win him over is to treat him like a normal person. He doesn’t realize he wants to be treated like a peer or be seen as just a person & not an asset- but he does. He’ll be unbearable & act cocky while he interacts with you, but the more you treat him like just a normal person? The more of a person he actually starts to become 💀

- Any specific actions that would affect him are probably just like… engaging with him on your own terms or showing interest in what he ACTUALLY likes to do.

- A lot of people dont actually know what Robaires interests are so he’s really unengaged socially in that regard. He’s a closet geek though, get him talking about his interests or show investment in his interests like a genuine friend & youll start to win him over in a genuine way

————

Jesse

- Jesse doesn’t show much tenderness, but he’s very attracted to it

- He’s got a habit of breaking hearts & having multiple people wrapped around his finger at once. Because Jesse’s kind of genuinely incapable of being tender in a way thats meaningful with someone (aside from his kids & the guys), he’s really lacking in any true emotional intimacy

- He’s very VERY alone in that sense.

- His heart’s been broken in a very honest and true way so he’s kind of given up on finding that intimacy too. Its sad & sucks lol. But because of that struggle he has a much more genuine attraction to tenderness

- To win him over with tenderness, showing politeness or interest without expecting romance or sex wins him over, denying either from him makes him go wild. Jesse’s generally wanted because he’s attractive & suave, but if someone sees him as a person outside of that then he’s really into it. Honest to the gods he just wants a friend. He’ll never admit that though

- But for another genuine romance? He needs you to be a friend. A tender & patient one.

- Specific actions to win him over are small and easy, show interest in his day. Show interest in what his classes have been like or offer him a space to speak. He’ll try so hard to flip it around into a flirting game but eventually he’ll break & just start to like,, interact with you in more meaningful ways

————

Tae Young

- Tae Young both likes & needs someone with a dominant personality & passion for themself/their interests

- Short and simply put: Tae Young gets bored of people easy 💀. He needs someone who 1. Can keep him on his toes and 2. Challenge his personal sense of authority. A dominant & passionate person is PERFECT for that. Having someone who can spontaneously do something on their own & then proudly show it off is just what Tae needs in his life

- He thinks spontaneity is attractive and he loves a dominant personality to try and stand up against. A friendly sense of competition with someone, someone he can perceive as a peer or “on his level” is someone he’s wildly attracted to. And trust me, he WILL try to challenge your dominance and authority if you’re that kind of person. So dont step down, snap back at him! He loves it, it keeps him excited

- The harsh truth is that Tae simply isn’t genuinely engaged with most interactions he has because he has such a hard time connecting with people in a meaningful way. He likes being popular cause it keeps things constantly moving in his life & gives him opportunities to find brief engagement

- So just,, he needs someone who can do that. He’ll become genuinely attached to them, and then eventually find everything they do interesting

- Specific actions can be simply engaging with Tae & telling HIM about YOUR activities. If you get excited and energetic enough about it, he’ll match that energy & find interest in it. He’ll likely tell you about his own misadventures and if you can engage with him on that then you’ll have him hooked on you

————

Aaron T

- Aaron T needs someone to calm him the fuck down. He doesnt want it per say, but he NEEDS it

- Aaron T is, for lack of better words, a bit too much. He’s got all the friends, all the ego, and all the charisma to combine and make the dumbest but most charming motherfucker you’ll ever meet. He’s not stupid, just dumb. And he does dumb shit for the sake of fun & enjoyment. He needs someone who can keep up with him & either catch him when he falls or stop him from doing the dumb thing to begin with

- Being that kind of person isn’t easy, keeping up with T & being close enough to him to read him is hard. But when you’re close enough to do that? Well gosh, you probably already have him hooked

- T wont ever admit it, but he so so badly wants someone to care about him enough to tell him no. Its weird, because he hates it and Will usually just do what he wants, but theres a certain comfort he finds in knowing someone wants him safe and sound

- And the longer someone can keep up with him the more T will start to wind down & relax. He’s still dumb & stubborn as all hell, but he’ll listen to whoever cares enough to try and watch out for him where most others dont.

- Specific actions that may really win him over are being there to patch him up after a stupid stunt or literally blocking his way to keep him from going somewhere. He’ll be pissy in the moment, but hours later he’ll be so much more tender in private if given the opportunity

————

Aaron Z

- honest to god this man is easy & the least problematic. But Z both wants & needs someone who’s patient & understanding

- He’s simply not someone who believes in settling down anymore + he’s in a part of his life where a lot is changing and evolving. He wants someone to rely on, but he NEEDS room to grow and have spontaneity. He cant do commitment right now and when things start to feel too tense he flees from the relationship (romantic or not, he’s even flighty with his friends sometimes)

- So Z really flourishes with someone who can be there for him without “tying him down”. He wants freedom and he’s very attracted to people who offer the attention he wants from relationships while also being patient enough to let him explore. He needs someone who wont nag him about expressing his genuine feelings because honestly they aren’t always pretty but he’s not going to move forward without getting to express them.

- So to really win him over, someone needs to be able to listen to him even when he’s not verbally speaking. He needs his freedom but he needs a stable person to return to at the end of the day (starting as friends or not, its not easy to fill this role)

- Specific actions to win him over arent easy. But quality time based on things HE may want to do (but be too shy to always directly request) is good. Or just offering him quality time to unwind & relax with may help

- He starts to open up more and more as time goes on. He’ll become more emotionally available the safer he feels with someone who offers him room to grow without judgement

[neon-knights-mercenary-company]

For both Rowan and Ags, from that latest ask game:

1, 5, 8, and 10, plus the additional questions of "What’s the thing they’re into that they’re most embarrassed/conflicted about?" (Hobbies, interests, kinks, etc)

( @is-the-battlemech-cool-or-not )

1. What is the character’s go-to drink order? (this one gets into how do they like to be publicly perceived, because there is always some level of theatricality to ordering drinks at a bar/resturant)

R: context, baybe! Am i at a merc bar? Timbiqui Dark. I hate the stuff to be honest, but one has to keep up appearances.

Drinking on someone else's dime? Call me old fashioned, but i do enjoy an Old Fashioned. I like'em fixed with maraschino, and give the glass a spritz of absinthe before you pour. Fun fact: a surprising number of bartenders dont know that maraschino is a liqueur, and put a bouquet of fuckin cherries in your drink. Tha dinguses.

At home? I'll keep it simple, usually some combo of soda + spirits. Im particuarly fond of sasparilla and Yukon Jack.

A. I enjoy my drinks hot, not cold. Coffee with tequilla, hot coco with tequilla, tea with tequilla... you get the picture.

5. What was the last time they cried, and under what circumstances? (Good way to get some *emotional* backstory in.) 

R: my pride wants me to say it was at my mamma's teat, but... nah, lets drop the kayfabe for a sec and be real here. I cry, a whole fuckin' lot more than i admit, and nowhere near as much as i should. We joke and pal around and measure our dicks at each other, but in the end? We kill people. We visit incredible violence on our fellow human beings, and that should take a toll. And if it ever stops taking a toll? Its time to retire.

That doesn't exactly answer the question, so... last time i cried was a few nights ago. @is-the-battlemech-cool-or-not was gettin' me up to speed on the hundred years of history i missed out on, and i managed to hold it all together till i got back to my bunk. And then i broke down sobbing. Part of that was just, pent up stress from the goddamn meatgrinder of the Clan invasion. I lost almost everything- the war, half our company, nearly everyone we knew outside of that shitty ass Invader that misjumped us here.

But hell, y'know what? Ive still got that other half of my company. I still have Agata and Joana, i still got most of Fursona's Fusiliers around. Hell, i'm even reignitin' something with Remus... look, all those good things, that ive still got? Cried for that, too. It aint all gotta be tears of sorrow, you can cry for the good things too.

A: August 20th, 3028. Got pepper sprayed at Melissa and Hanse's wedding.

8. Describe the place where they sleep. (ie what does their safe space look like. How much (or how little) care / decoration / personal touch goes into it.)

R: whoo boy. Just cleared out ol' Ronnie's quarters on the Pony. Its not got much decoration yet, just the barebones cot and whatnot. Lots of stab marks in the walls and furniture from when i get bored...Kept his desk though- solid oak, from Samantha. And uhh... maybe a couple of pinups of Kamea Arano... and Candace Liao... and Hanse Davion... and-

A: Like Rowan, I've just moved quarters- her old room in fact, since I'm the XO now. I have my rock collection up on some shelves I put in- I like to get one rock from each celestial body I visit, unique if possible. Theres also stab marks all over the place that I'm filling in, thanks for that by the way Rowan.

10. What objects do they always carry around with them? (What do they need for their normal, day-to-day routine? What does ‘normal’ even look like for them.) 

R: Pistol, hormones, sunglasses. In that order.

A: I no longer have my katana from my time in the DCMS, but I do still have the wakizashi that paired with it. I still wear it, for luck.

Bonus: What’s the thing they’re into that they’re most embarrassed/conflicted about? (Hobbies, interests, kinks, etc. Gets into self-image vs how they want to be perceived vs what compels them anyway, plus backstory.)

R: Conflicted, specifically. The tough-as-nails merc persona is... its hard to keep up sometimes. I want to be vulnerable around those I love, but i have trouble turning the macho down. Its paid in dividends, over the years, in bonus c-bills made and fights avoided, but it's also taken its toll on me. And... i didnt let myself feel what i wanted to feel around someone who i now realized i loved- and still love- very much.

A: Sometimes, on my worst nights, I- I still think about my time in the DCMS. And its like I'm still there, never left, and couldnt leave if I wanted. And I dont feel scared or trapped by my superiors or my culture, or horrified by the things I'd done for the Combine. I dont feel anything but mild pride and nostalgia. I don't like those being the things I feel about that time.

[rin-and-jade]

This anon here again: https://rin-and-jade.tumblr.com/post/757403677855186944/hi-im-wondering-if-you-could-offer-us-some

It's hard for me to properly define stress, as we're generally very detached from things that happen. I do think being a shut-in contributes to a baseline level of stress, though. We also stopped being friends with somebody who we really liked (and who understood our system), left various communities and kept to ourselves for a while but we still had a couple friends and are being more social again now! We also got COVID a couple of times? Our symptoms were very mild but idk that could be related to the brain fog.

Your mention of "unchecked DPDR" clicked for me. That would make sense, but I never even considered it before because that has been the norm for me. Even when we do identify with a specific name/face again, there's this chronic detachment from the body/the world like a fog we can't pierce, and whatever is happening deep inside the mind never makes it all the way through.

Does this give you a better idea on what we could do?

ps really enjoyed the recent inner-world post :D

That sounds like you got a schizoid personality. But further researching and reading is required before you agree to my words. (This is because i notice youre unfazed by stress, nor need a social life to be content, and oftentimes these people have a flat effect/emotion too)

Brainfog do can happen from other things such as permanent changes due to a pandemic virus.

When your unchecked dpdr tracks, then my first suggestion that you can and should do is practicing to be more outside rather than inside (daydreamy and all that) and even if its out of habit,, sometimes that can make you lose track of the external world. The point here is to strengthen back your skills to stay grounded outside, where you can detect your bodily senses and states better and feel less fuzzy or detached.

Things like feeling texture, focus on a certain activity that takes your full attention and senses, or being mindful with eating meals--see how they taste, are they warm or still pipping hot--start from these simple things, and you'll get there!

Feel free to update or contact me further when needed, take care.

- c

[stregoniconiconii]

steve for the the character ask <3

1: sexuality headcanon: I received a message from god in 2016 when Steve appeared on my screen. the message was that he was bisexual. and I never doubt god's good word ! anyway I dont think Steve is particularly angsty about being bisexual? like I think he was always somewhat aware of his attraction to both but knew stepping outside of the box would be dangerous . tbhh I think he prefers women most of the time and it takes a minute for him to upgrade from hooking up with men to dating men. most of all he's kind of a slut <3 matching with robin he is also a bit gender weird ! mostly cool with being a hot guy but on some level she is also a hot girl. sometimes that level is sometimes a girl, sometimes it's always a girl . depends on what im feeling <3

2: otp: I do enjoy a good steddie thank u Eddie for being a canon male character that I can actually see Steve with <3 there's also this one omc...Henry Sinclair you will always be famous. sometimes I forget that ur not canon...in my head one of his more long term girlfriends/maybe wife?? in adulthood is this really cool and hot paramedic called Lucille <3 she was his boss lol

3: brotp: now I wonder....it's robin it's always robin . platonically married he'd carry her kids if he had the equipment for it and they are everything to each other ! also I desperately want stobickie to be a fun little trio in s5 pls happen <3 ofc there are many platonic relationships for Steve that I love, his brotherly relationship with dustin and max is so <3 and he's a lil mentor to Lucas and bullied by erica <3 in my heart he is also part of the Byers-Hopper clan, particularly a fatherly relationship with hopper. I WISH stoncy actually developed a strong friendship but maybe there's still a chance in s5. also. I will forever be intrigued by his friendship with Tommy and carol I know they got up to some insane shit

4: notp: harringrove mostly I just think Steve finds racism extremely unattractive . I'd say stancy but the truth is I kinda like them in a fail marriage way. nobody gets them tho

5: first headcanon that pops into my head: mommy issues Steve my beloved <3 I think steve's relationship with his mother ended up informing so many of his future relationships. specifically I see a sort of emotional incest between them where Steve ended up kind of playing the role of husband to his mom since his dad was away being a bad husband. obviously not a good situation for a kid to be in with their parent bc it robs them of being a kid. but basically this put Steve in a position of providing even to the point of hurting himself, which ended up opening him up to being vulnerable to codependent relationships. I think elements of codependency follow Steve in a lot of his relationships, especially can see it with his friendship to Tommy and carol, a little bit with Nancy, and also a bit with robin too (I tend to exaggerate it with robin bc I think its fun lol)

6: favorite line from this character: aaaah one of my favourite Steve moments is s2 Steve with the kids at the junkyard I love him <3 also he's so funny I can't just pick one line

7: one way in which I relate to this character: I also miss a lot of stuff when ppl are speaking auditory processing disorder my beloved <3

8: thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character: nothing he's perfect and he's earnest and he's full of love

9: cinnamon roll or problematic fave?: problematic fave in the sense that he's done some problematic things but cinnamon roll because actually he's done nothing wrong ever

[dear-diary-mood-apathetic]

brb im fucking bawling

life story/rambling under cut

I've been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting lately. A lot of revisiting things Id have been much happier to leave in the past.

I always hated hearing how one day it would get better. Because I knew that it wouldnt be that easy. I knew I wouldnt just wake up one day and feel fine. And I think more than anything, I was scared that being okay meant losing the most integral part of my child/teen self: my rage.

I was an emotional kid growing up. I'd cry at everything and anything and all I ever wanted was for everyone to be happy. It was a burden I undertook personally at far too young of an age. Be it the eggshells I took my first steps on or the guilt I'd never let go of simply for the inconvenience of being born a baby. I saw things a child shouldnt have to see and handled emotions and situations far too grown up for a second grader. When I started to understand this, thats when I started to get angry.

I knew that the way I was treated wasnt okay, and by the time I would turn ten I'd gotten violent. I escaped into the comfort of horror media and would often find myself locked away in my dark bedroom on my phone for hours at a time scouring the corners of the internet for the next disturbing thing I could find. But I was just a kid. And that would send me down a multi-year psychotic episode that left me feeling isolated and terrified. And even more angry. I started getting into fights whenever the opportunity arose outside of the house. I wasnt even in middle school yet, but I was filled with blind, white hot rage already.

Once I made it to middle school though, some of the anger had festered into a chronic depression that felt like emotional rot. I developed a lot of awful habits and worsened a few Id picked up prior. I hurt a lot of people in my spiral downward and I still regret many of those things to this day. I was hurting and determined to make other people hurt too. But it only felt fair to me at the time; if I have to go home to my dads cruelty every single day, what did it matter who I hurt? They were supposed to feel bad for me.

It wouldn't be until about 2020 that things started to finally look up. I got my first job against my dads will, and this would be the decision that changed my entire life. I finally started to understand that I wasn't bound by my dads judgement. I met the people who would let me move into their apartment after a shitty roommate situation. And most importantly I met my boyfriend.

I went through a few relationships and there were a few roadblocks before it finally worked out for us to get together. Including my dads impulse choice to move himself, me, and my pregnant stepmother to South Carolina with no actual shelter built except a camper for them and a tent for me in July of '22. But after being friends for about a year and a half, we finally started dating in August. That November, he and one of our then mutual friends made an 8+ hour drive to pick me up on my eighteenth birthday. I turned 18 on November 6th and they started driving on the fifth. If it werent for them I'd still be stuck in South Carolina!

I really think I have my boyfriend to thank for who I am today. When we met I was sixteen and didnt plan on making it to eighteen. I dont think I wouldve without him. Hes been the most supportive and patient person as I've worked to heal a lot of wounds he didn't cause. Ive only been able to do the reflection and self help I needed because of him. I've been allowing myself to let go of the anger Ive defined myself with for so long and its scary. But I think Im going to like the gentler version of myself. The version he deserves.

Because for once in my life I feel like I'm safe. The eggshells are gone. A quiet house doesn't mean tension and a loud one no longer means violence. I can breathe and rest for the first time in a long time. I slept with an eye open for a while, but I think its finally safe to close them both.

[separatist-apologist]

i know you said you stopped reading them, but were there any dark romances that hit just right for you? i also struggle a lot with liking the idea of a darker romance, but not wanting to read about the mmc assaulting the fmc and they just fall for them anyway. seems like too many dark romance fall under that and i'm left there like... where was the romance in this??

the only one i read recently was twisted emotions by cora reilly which is a mafia romance/arranged marriage. it's dark-ish? like *trigger warning* the fmc was abused as a child, but the mmc had zero to do with that and instead helped her heal. not a great difference, but considering the mmc wasn't the abuser i guess that's a win? i will say i did enjoy this book, but it's one of those MY GOD HIRE AN EDITOR books because i believe the author is german and there's some major spelling/grammatic errors. it was pretty blatant so that sucked, but i did enjoy the characters and i thought she did a good job (as a survivor of child abuse/SA myself) writing a survivor healing and dealing with their trauma and trusting their partner to bring them joy during sex and intimacy.

Again, beneath the cut

I have such a love/hate relationship with dark romance because I'm not opposed to dubious consent (obviously). I think my issue is a lot of dark romance thinks it can only be dark if there is this element of emotional abuse that I find difficult to deal with, especially if its not resolved.

So like, the MMC kidnaps her, or he won't let her leave his home without watching her 24/7 because she belongs to him, to the point that he controls her phone, her finances, her friends and everything else. And I think a dark romance book could start that way but there should be growth, you know? You can be possessive and also trusting? Like why CANT she leave without an escort, why do you need to watch her 24/7? Why can't she work if she wants to, why does the FMC have to give up her autonomy entirely in order for the romance to work. I don't like that and I know a lot of people do which is fine, but it doesn't feel like a happy ending.

I also don't like the arrogant "im so hot i could have anyone i want and youre lucky im even looking at you" MMC that seems so popular in dark romance. What happened to being pathetic? What happened to being down bad for one woman to the point youd ruin the world for her, you know? You can be a piece of shit and still wet and pathetic, like sir you can really have it all.

I think my issue is the MMC is never required to grow or change and its the FMC who accommodates him and in the end decides she actually likes this/prefers it and so he is never required to compromise or alter his life for her to prove he loves her. Again. Bring back sopping wet men.

And finally, I wish dark romance would center on themes outside of just sexual assault. I am weary of the "hes so hot that sexual assault is forgivable" like girl c'mon. What if we just leaned into the murder, example, you know? That's enough to give ANYONE pause, if I was dating a man and found out he was killing people regardless of the justification I might have some thoughts like "what the fuck" and "hello 911?"

And if he is murdering its always this backflipping justification for why thats okay like i don't know, maybe we just. Call it what it is, ya feel? He's killing people, thats wild. No need to add morality to it, maybe he just likes to blow off steam by killing strangers.

Anyway all this to say no, I haven't read anything I really liked outside of fanfiction. Maybe I'll give your recommendation a shot and see how I feel about it.