#because nobody else seems to think i am when im being myself. not even my so-called friend for these last years. which is why i never really

[be-good-to-bugs]

it actually kinda sucks that nobody in my life has any idea the loneliness ive been feeling for the past 8 years. im glad they havent experienced this but it sucks to not have anyone to relate this to.

[ask--eggman]

hey, im sorry if this is a sensitive topic but i cant stop thinking about it, do you recal your attempted suicide bombing in station square? do you recall what drove you to suicide? it must have been somthing awful if it pushed somone as brave and as strong as you to take your own life.. did anyone at all try to reach out? i doubt any of those so-called "herros" tryed to offer suport to somone undergoing sutch agony, again, you dont have to respond if you dont want to, but i truly want to know, and im shure the whole empire will suport you in whatever you were or are going through :)

I'm never one to lose hope and determination and give into defeat but that was just a time when it all got to me. I work so hard to accomplish my goals and put so much time, effort and passion into my plans but something comes along and ruins it, again and again. On that particular day, I'd finally reached my capacity for the disappointment, anger and stress. Not just for that day but for my entire lifetime.

Anyone else inferior and weaker than me would be broken down by failure much more often and much sooner, than the one time it pushed me too far. It wasn't really a conscious decision more than something that hit me in the spur of the moment. At first I just thought I'd at least blow Station Square up if nothing else. There would be some catharsis in that blue pest still not succeeding in saving their pathetic lives.

Oh but then of course the missile had to be a dud. Of course even that couldn't go right. So I just thought "Oh, fuck it all", and went to detonate it by hand. I knew I was going to die and I was going to happily take the whole city with me. Once I'd made my mind up, I felt happy, I had a blast trying to race Tails to that missile. I found myself begging for him to wait for me when he was ahead.

It was something to be determined to accomplish again, one I was sure nobody could ruin this time. One last glimmer of hope to succeed in something, one last thrill racing across the city in my Egg Mobile onward to destruction, then I'd be free from ever having to experience failure again. I'd go out having accomplished one part my plan of destroying Station Square, even if I didn't get to build the empire I always dreamed of.

I was tired of being the one who it all ended in destruction for, I wanted others to experience that devastation. For once, I wanted it to end with their destruction and my success and it seemed like the only way. But I obviously lost that race because here I am today. Well, that snapped me out of it and so I went back to trying to kill the little pest Tails who stopped me, since he's the one that actually deserves death really.

Nobody reached out to me and I didn't expect them to. They're used to breaking down everything I build and waiting for the next time I get back up to try to bring me down again and the cycle repeats. It's always just me alone to pick myself up and keep fighting in the end. But I don't need anyone else. I know if I keep at it, I'll succeed. So I try my hardest to fight to accomplish my dreams and not let my mind slip back into that place.

Anyway, enough about that.

The way I still came back from that and have only become stronger and more successful and determined over time just further proves my power! It's another of the many reasons why I deserve to have all of your support, admiration and praise and be your mighty emperor! So that's to be expected, you wouldn't have a choice either way, hehe~

[naneun-no]

Hi! So... Am I the only one who thinks Jikook haven't been living under the same roof for quite a while now? I feel like some people, esp Jikookers, don't even want to see it as a possibility, but if we don't want to start acting like a cult we need to start developing some critical thinking (which I think is healthy and needs to be done) Also, I've seen a lot of people say "JK is having a hard time, imagine not spending every second with your partner like you used to bc of his crazy schedule" and tbh, I was thinking just like that at first, but now? Jimin is busy, yes of course, but he clearly has time to hang out with Hobi or even going to visit Jin (which was so nice to see btw, not complaining) I honestly don't think JK and Jimin are hanging out much, actually, I dont even think they see each other often, since JK seems to be living his best introverted life and quite isolated from the rest of the boys (except Tae, which Im kind of glad, at least he is getting out of the house and having a good time) Maybe we should start considering the possibility of them just not sharing time bc they simply chose to and not bc Jimin is busy with his album. I now what they chose to share with us is just a small part of their lives, and there could be a million other possible scenarios, Im not saying Im right or wrong, just what's been on my mind lately. Im not coming here as an insecure Jikooker to seek for aproval, or with bad intentions, Im just sharing my thoughts and genuinely curious to know if anyone else thinks on a similar way. Thank you for taking the time to read💜

Hey! I appreciate the kind way you phrased all of this. In short, if you’ve ever read anything I’ve posted you know what I’m gonna say next: maybe that’s true and feel free to think that 🤷‍♀️

I still don’t get why the idea that they’ve chosen not to spend any time together (which we have no evidence of except for a lack of evidence the other way) is more compelling than the idea that they do in fact spend plenty of time together and just don’t share it (which we also have no evidence of except for the way they treat each other when we do see them). Both have a dearth of evidence, except one seems out of character.

Does that make sense? Like it’s perfectly possible they don’t hang. But also, they were like magnets on all the final Run BTS episodes. Not just magnets but affectionate, touchy, best-friend-or-more type magnets. But also, Jung Kook asked Jimin to come over during a recent live, while being all giggly and cheesy and excited to see him. It didn’t seem like a “it’s been so long, I’m saying this just out of an awkward sense of duty,” to me — it seemed like something that probably happens often. Jimin said something to the effect of “I’ll come after work” or something close, right? (He said many other things too but that was the only one that correlated directly to hanging out other than the one where he expressed desire to tie back JK’s hair which could be innocuous or could be something he does when they hang out, who knows?). But also, JK told his boxing instructor that JM would come soon, but also JM talked to that same instructor like he knew him well, and likely has gone with JK to lessons in the past. But also, it really hasn’t been that long since JK’s weirdly sexual/teasing birthday video for Jimin and now several members have had birthdays pass and nobody else got that treatment. But also… the list goes on, I’m sure there’s more but my coffee’s getting cold.

So, I can’t speak for all Jikookers because we are in fact not a cult, so there aren’t established patterns of belief that we all must adhere to. You think maybe they’ve stopped hanging out cause they haven’t shared it with you. Cool. Many others, myself included, think it’s unlikely that you would abruptly stop hanging out with someone who clearly means so much to you while still continuing to treat said person in a loving, flirty, domestic manner. They don’t act like exes, not even a little bit, so we have no reason to think they are. I think it seems much more in character for them to be preserving the final shreds of privacy they have to protect the relationship that means more to them than the other ones; or at least means something different.

Idk, but if you actually believed them to be dating at any point, or even just as close of friends as they appear, regardless of dating, think of how that would look if they suddenly stopped speaking.

Remember when Tae and JK did kinda stop hanging out? Remember how it was kind of obvious through their interactions that they weren’t as close, and then they full on addressed it in that conversation and talked about how they needed to put more effort into their friendship (which kudos to them, like you said, seems like they are). If anything, Jimin and JK’s relationship over the years has seemed even more close and symbiotic than almost any other friendship in the group except maybe vmin. So I would think if that was crumbling away, we’d see a lot more in their interactions than giggly, sweet, heart eyes and “eat well my baby” comments.

Feel free to disagree!

[nothorses]

im starting to realize that (maybe?) i have found myself in a circle of blogs with neo-baeddel beliefs? im tramsmasc, and ive always found the tme/tma thing a bit Icky for a lot of the reasons you’ve mentioned in posts. and now i feel like if i become a “””transandrophobia truther””” i will be perceived as anti-transfem/trans woman - which to be very clear, i am not. and at the end of the day it really seems like unnecessary in-fighting. i have a lot more feelings about this but i dont wanna take up your time. idk i just wanted to get this off my chest cause i am Confused and feel like a bad person just for being transmasc?

I'm really sorry you're feeling that way! Nobody should be made to feel bad or wrong because of their identity.

I think it's important to ask whether the things we're doing are harming others, and to be open to receiving criticism. I say that because I think it's important that we consider ourselves fallible, and always growing, and that we look to the people around us to challenge us and help us do that.

We should also feel comfortable answering those questions, and recognizing when criticism isn't really productive, too. If you feel like you don't have the space to disagree with someone else on something like that, especially if you cannot imagine a situation where disagreeing would be warranted, that's a sign that you're lacking some essential trust in your relationship with yourself.

And I want to touch on some language you're using as well; you use the word "perceived", but then assert that you aren't "anti-transfem/trans women". It feels to me like you know you're not actually what people might perceive you as, that you wouldn't be even if you discussed your ideas openly, and your worry is in how other people see you. What I wonder here is: which is more important? What can you actually control?

You are a living, breathing, growing human. You are going to make mistakes. You are going to do and say the wrong thing, and you are going to look like an asshole sometimes. That doesn't make you a bad person, and it sounds like you already know that! Trust that you are trying, and surround yourself with people who trust that you're trying, too.

If you feel like the people around you don't and won't trust that you're trying, or like that trust hinges on your complete and total agreement with their beliefs- if you feel like you can't have these conversations with them in the first place- then I would seriously consider getting the hell out of there, regardless of what those specific beliefs are.

[janeyseymour]

How do you get so many notes on your fics and messages in your inbox?! I am a big fan, so this was not in any way meant out of malice! Sorry, if it came off that way! I have been writing for years now (not as frequently as you, but that's kinda because I don't seem to ever get the amount of reblogs/notes you get), and it feels as if nobody ever interacts with my works. Very few to no reblogs, never any messages in my inbox, and few comments. How do you do it? I just want a reason to write, but it's hard to be motivated when I never get requests or even an amount of interaction to justify the amount of time I spend writing! Thanks!

hi, no worries at all! to be quite honest with you, i’m really not sure.

i think a lot of the notes stems from the fact that i’ve always LOVED writing. i remember writing stories in elementary school and being thrilled to read them to anyone who listened. i took a bunch of writing courses in both high school and college, and during that time i was really able to find my voice and style. i figured out the things that helped my words being characters to life and ways to convey emotion.

in terms of messages in my inbox… from the start… even before i started writing for Abbott, i’ve always done my best to interact with everyone to comment on my works (sometimes i miss a few with the waves or if im just insanely busy) and foster an environment where everyone feels safe and loved.

above all though, i like to keep in mind what sara bareilles says during an AOL interview- granted, she’s speaking about becoming a recording artist, but the sentiment applies here too. “release yourself from the expectation of the outcome. just do good work, make good work, care about the things that you make and believe in them and it’s not your job to figure out who the audience is… just make good work and mean it.” so… i do my best to make good work, i care about the things that i write, and then i leave the rest up to everyone else. if hundreds of people like it, that’s fantastic- and if even my stories were to touch just one person (and that person might even just be myself), it’s worth it.

[fictionkinfessions]

i miss class 1a so. damn. bad.

and i dunno if i should feel guilty about it, because i was THERE, i should have been able to do something to prevent. well. All That. but instead i was just extremely present during one of the most traumatizing periods of history those kids experienced.

in my canon, i remember explaining that Being a Hero™ isn't nearly as glamorous as it looked on tv, and i tried to warn them about how little privacy you have for your entire life, how it's a military career so you have to commit war crimes upon request, how it's a career that only ends when you die or when you get a disabling injury that prevents you from moving forward. it just was not the helpful job that it was presented as by the propaganda.

and like!! that's how it was when i was going to UA!! nearly forty years had passed without any meaningful change or progress!!! my entire career and everything i did to try and improve society as a whole were almost meaningless!!!

i hate to find myself agreeing with Shigaraki so often, but while his methods were wrong his grievances were absolutely correct. he should have been saved as a child, and a society that can leave a child to suffer alone and orphaned on the streets is a society that has failed. i just completely failed him when i was trying to make a world that saved little boys like him because i was exactly like him. i wish i could blame it on AFO but that was just. i don't even know what happened, i tried so hard to make a world where people felt safe and secure enough to reach out to each other. it was supposed to inspire mutual aid!!!! All Might isn't a person it's an idea, all of us were supposed to be acting 'how All Might would' not just me!!

i just miss class 1a so bad because every time i told them "it's not selfish to quit" and "it's okay to change your mind and live a happy life" then they would double down and do something tooth-rottingly sweet and caring. that group of crazy kids were more ethical and heroic than the entire HPSC combined. i feel guilty missing them because i remember that i spent half the time or more basically just shitting on their career choice and dreams, but it felt so evil to just not warn them. i felt like i had to protect them, and nobody else in the world seemed like they were trying to do that.

sending the fucking children onto the front lines, my ass. i have a kin mem of physically quirkless fist fighting Nezu for that one. like what the fuck, man, i fucking trusted you. the unforgivable action of allowing the first years with provisional licences to fight on the front lines of a war. im beyond words. i think it becomes apparent how much i was grasping at straws because of the Iron Might arc, but i just don't know. none of those wonderful kids deserved to go through that. maybe that's what this confession is, an apology.

Class 1-A, I am so sorry I couldn't protect you in the ways you deserved. I am so sorry your high school experience was cut off and marred. You all deserved better, from the world, from UA, and from me. I'm sorry you had to tuck your childhoods away and take on responsibilities that were too big even for your heroes and caretakers. I'm sorry you all learned how traumatic a hero's work is. It still feels like there was a way to avoid it. I'm sorry you didn't experience the peace and joy that you should have. I'm sorry you had to grieve. Each and every one of you were such wonderful people and beautiful souls and it hurts so bad to remember how much you all had to go through. You deserved better and I'm just sorry.

#✴️💙🦸‍♂️

[dufrau]

I am a real life person asking for your thoughts on Nancy Wheeler. Any thoughts on Nancy Wheeler. Every thought about Nancy Wheeler (I really just like talking about Nancy Wheeler)

Oh MAN. I dont even know where to start. I have so many thoughts and opinions and feelings about Nancy Wheeler I don't even know how to approach a question this open. You might as well ask me about the earth!

She has become such a real person in my brain that there are very few things that I think are set in stone about her. Sometimes I ask myself, when im writing, "What would Nancy say here?" or "What would she do?" "How would she react?" and I decide on something that I believe to be true but a lot of the time there is an almost opposite answer that I think could also be true.

What is constant? (this got lonnng have a readmore)

Well first of all I am a doomsday prepper Nancy truther. Not necessarily full on prepper to the extent she is in my TLOU au but I think she carries forward a need to be/feel prepared for things to go terribly wrong. I play it for a laugh sometimes, cans of beans in her purse and the trunk of her car full of random gear etc. But I think she is a person with a go-bag always packed, who always knows her emergency exits, who is always a little bit too alert and is at least a little bit exhausted at all times. I think she has guns and as much as i joke about her being the only person i trust with all these guns tbh she is probably a little twitchy and she probably should not have guns! (but i will continue to write her with guns)

I think she carries an immense weight of guilt and self-doubt which makes her absolute balls-to-the-wall pursuit of the things she believes are right and necessary so interesting by contrast. Her choices get people killed and she never forgives herself for any of it but she keeps making choices in the absence of anybody else who will do it. And I think she enjoys it on some level, or thrives in it, almost as much as she hates it. I think she will be LOST if they ever actually win. I think she will fight with everything she has to survive but i dont think, subconsciously, she really expects to and I dont think she is prepared to be a person who is not fighting anything.

I think she is LOYAL. And I think it's wild that her haters think the opposite. Its another very interesting contrast, the way she explicitly wants to reject societal norms and expectations but also the way she doesn't want to hurt people so she lets herself get trapped into them anyway. I have no interest in the "did she cheat on steve" conversation, i think the more important thing for her character is that she gets back together with steve and stays with him way longer than she wants to. Part of that is obviously about Barb but part of it I think is that she sees goodness in him and feel guilty about not having seen it sooner. And she's doing the same with Jonathan, who it seems like has been avoiding her calls and refusing to visit and just giving her nothing but she holds onto that relationship I think out of loyalty because he is a good person even if he's being a shitty boyfriend right now and even if that relationship has run its course. (these are not anti thoughts about steve or jonathan btw these are all teenagers in teenage relationships nobody is a villain here)

I think she hates surprises. Which makes sense because every surprise in Hawkins tends to be a bad surprise. But Robin is a whole fucking surprise and isnt THAT something. A thing I see in that ship that I love so much is that Robin keeps Nancy off balance in a way she usually hates, but she doesnt hate it at all from Robin. The very existence of Robin makes Nancy ask questions where normally she would just plow ahead. I think that discomfort is healthy for her and I think, after whatever you want to put them through to get there, she knows it.

I think Nancy would go straight for the eyeballs in a fight. I think she is biting off ears and ripping off fingers and poking their fucking eyes out because she is tiny and she knows it and she is not bothering throwing punches (though if she can elbow you in the nose she is going to to that too.)

I think one million more things about Nancy Wheeler but this post is so long already lol.

THANK YOU FOR ASKING

[stargazer0001]

there is something deeply wrong with me but I dont know what it is

like bestie im not talented im traumatized. Im not wasting a gift im trying to keep myself from plunging a knife in my chest and bleeding out in my bed. Like void, please shut the fuck up.

but then when other people vent to me, even if I TRY to care, I just dont. Like im sorry. I want you to feel better. But wtf am I meant to do. Like sorrows, sorrows, but I cant even deal with my own emotions what makes you think I can help with yours???????? And then I TRY. I TRY to help knowing that I cant, I TRY to care even though I dont, I TRY to make it known that I want them to feel loved and cared for, but nothing works. And then I feel like a piece of shit who deserves to rot away in a corner for all eternity!!!

Oh and speaking of rotting away, SCHOOL. I can't pay attention. Like if its not interesting I just zone out and start questioning my reality. And then im like 'wtf are we doing now'. Its actual torture what. And when I TRY to pay attention and actually LEARN I literally just end up drawing on my paper or my mind starts to wander. BUT THEN THE FUCKING THINGS MY TEACHERS ARE SAYING MAKE NO SENSE!! LIKE GIRLIE HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO KNOW WHAT TO DO IF YOU DIDN'T TAKE ME THROUGH A THOROUGH STEP MY STEP PROCESS HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO THIS. And then I DONT SPEAK UP BECAUSE I WOULD RATHER HAVE MY HAND CHOPPED OFF THEN SPEAK TO A TEACHER. Like. Then, everyone else seems to immediately understand everything?? Some people talk back to teachers??? Some people WANT to talk to teachers??? Who are you and how. Oh and then my classmates??? Literally horrible. I want them to die. Thankfully i have a couple friends in my classes which makes it a bit more bearable, but NO KEENAN OR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOUR NAME IS, STOP DANCING AND SCREAMING, STOP BEING SO UNBEARABLE, STOP BEING A DICK. LIKE DUDE I BET YOU DONT EVEN GOT ONE. LITERALLY STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE. And its this one certain friend group who is actually the WORST. Like im TRYING to pay attention and then all of a sudden one of these kids starts yelling at another, stuff is thrown, and nothing gets done. BUT THEN THE TEACHERS DO NOTHING. THEY DONT CARE. BUT THEN WHEN SOMEBODY ELSE TALKS EVEN ONCE ITS IMMIDIATELY PRINCIPLES OFFICE???? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE IM ACTUALLY GOING INSANE SOMEBODY PLEASE JUST KILL ME.

oh and then out of school isn't even better at all. I just want to waste away in my room. Everything always hurts and I just want to be with friends but I know that nobody can or wants to hang out with a sad waste of oxygen like me. And then when im trying to go to bed I just hear the crashing of glass, my parents having a screaming match, and then my mom going back to drinking her sorrows away while my dad continues to try and sleep. Like please im so tired just let me go into my happy place and attempt to die in my sleep. And then whenever its even around 6:00 my mom immediately starts acting drunk even if she's had nothing so what the fuck is up with that. And then she tries to gaslight me into doing things??? Like at this point im immune. I dont even give any fucks anymore because I tried doing that and it just got me hurt. So why even care anymore. So what the fuck is the point in trying to live laugh love when I just wanna off myself. Like no. Die cry hate is my new motto at this point.

and then, to top it all off, if I try venting ANYTHING to the one person I know who understands, he just asks 'oh, is it your time of the month?'

like please just kill me at this point. Take me out of the hell called living. Im so close to just dying please help.

[simpbitchz]

thinking of kms

i know that i will never be good enough, nobody ive ever dated has stayed, they got tired, or they found someone else, or they never liked me to begin with. im so drained, i dont like who i am, i cannot look in the mirror without feeling sick, i act confident to seem stronger than i am mentally. Ive struggled with mental health since i was little, but no matter how much they increase the dosage of the medications they give me, the voices never go away, ive struggled with drug addiction to actually self harming with blades. Ive never been happy truly, i grew up getting hit my my step dad and raped by the cousin, while also being SA'd by my step brother. Getting out of bed is a battle, i cry myself to sleep, tbh its my fault for allowing myself to open up to the guy i was with, then he got tired of me so i broke up w him, i will never be loved by anyone truly ig. Thinking about how im still alive makes me sick, i planned to be dead when i was 8 years old, when i was 8 fucking years old, and i still do. I live with the scars of my childhood, i remember it so vividly, meanwhile now im struggling to remember anything, i dont remember what i look like, or who i am, because i change to fit whoever im with, i dont even know what i like. i have spent years trying to be good enough but i never am, i have access to drugs to OD on, idk im just so tired

[possibly-eli]

yk when i look at stuff through the lense of I Have NPD, a lot of things make a lot more sense put under a read-more because its long

like, ive never truly felt bad for people. ive only felt bad for them when there would be consequences if i didnt i always end up somehow making the conversation about myself even if i dont actively try to i dont exactly have many people who i can refer to as "equals" but ive definitely got a few friends i get kind of protective over concepts that relate to me (the idea of being a zombie due to zombie kintype, the idea of Having OCD, etc etc) i get kind of paranoid regarding people and whether or not theyre talking about me behind my back because Of Course they are and they must be upsetting me intentionally because theyve turned on me i get really easily annoyed when anyone other than me vent about something (even, regrettably, my friends) because of said aforementioned disconnect (for e.g. there was someone i apparently had added on discord whose status was "i feel unsafe in my own head" and like. just Fuck Off youre such a loser. go cry about it or something idk man) i have this sort of need to keep up this Unbothered Mysterious Funny Guy and then i always ruin that because i talk about myself too much because i am very. very desperately in need of care and recognition nobody else is allowed to be more mentally ill than me

and like some stuff, i feel, is kinda expected considering my current situation (e.g. wanting support and passes because i get really easily overwhelmed but also not getting those cause my mother is just the perfect amount of ableist to think im as capable as i seem beacuse ~ooh smart~)

all that + take in to account i was excluded by my entire school for most of my time in primary school for being "weird" (autistic) and my only few friends were a) a bitch who i dont think actually cared about me and managed to unlock the bathroom door While i was in the bathroom despite me telling her to STOP (and then she bodyshamed me) and b) another girl who had actual. yk. Friends. because she had the social skills little autistic me lacked (and continue to lack)

so like. you try to tell me im fucking wrong lol. cause im NOT, for one, and two im Never wrong regarding my own (mental) health and MAYBE people should LISTEN to me more about it

[angelicyouth]

bro i just realized that most of my happinest comes from imagining myself in fictional scenarios with fictional characters because in the real world i dont really have anyone i feel i can truly trust, so really at this point one of my only sources of happiness is just being somewhat delusional thinking fictional people care about me when in reality i dont know if anyone will truly even care about me in that extent, i dont even think i could even love myself the way i want people to love me because i just see myself as a generally displeasing person to be around because im too much too bear or too confusing or too angry and people dont wanna put up with me and ive just been realizng that for the past months and it makes me wish i was someone else who could be better than whoever i am, i dont even know at this point who i really am and i wish i was better and funnier and not someone who is the embodiment of a dissapointment.i cant even bring myself to talk about my problems to people irl no matter how much id like to because im too scared to be a burden or just seem overexaggrerating so its eating me from the inside and i cant bring myself to be someone i want to be, all i do is just stay in my room all day because i dont have the energy to do anything anymore. thing that i used to like dont seem the same anymore and i just wanna be held by someone and to be told that its okay to not be okay but if someone actually did it would feel like just a big lie because i dont have that much of an excuse to not be okay so really im putting down other people's problems and looking for attention and i feel so guilty for even feeling this way but at the same time i dont wanna let go of these feelings because it feels like if i have them people will actually care about me and ill have someone by my side and if i dont feel sad then nobody would have any reason to pity me and nobody would really wanna hangout with me anymore and it feels so comflicting and it makes me wanna shut myself away from everyone and continue to pretend everything is okay even if nothing feels okay. i wish i was someone else, maybe then nothing like this would happen.

that one relatable moment where you have nobody 2 vent 2 so you vent as an anon 2 a random blog ran by the literal nicest person ever

-mango anon

mango bby :(

first of all—i’m proud of you for being honest with your feelings! i’m sure it took a lot of courage to come forward and to talk about this with someone else so please give yourself some self care in my place for taking that monumental step!

i know that it may not mean much if i say this because of how overused this line is but truly, don’t ever feel bad about what you’re feeling. always remember that the need for attention is normal and common to all humans. it’s not only limited to that but the need for comfort is also normal and common, the need for physical touch is normal, the need for validation, for acknowledgment, for a positive reaction to yourself, a need to express yourself, to talk about yourself, to voice your pain, to feel valued and important—it’s all normal and a part of just being a human being.

so please, don’t beat yourself up over having those. if you’re struggling with some of them particularly, it doesn’t mean you’re “needy”. anyone who doesn’t get those things would go to deprivation mode and end up craving them severely, eventually. those needs should be met at default and as your friend, i always want to ensure that i can readily provide those for you! so don’t feel ashamed for voicing those thoughts to me because i appreciate that you trust me enough to tell me as i genuinely want to help you. i know i may seem like a random blog run by someone you don’t know from the internet but that doesn’t mean my friendship for you is less valid. so please, if you ever need to talk to someone or just need me to listen then always remember that i’m here for you. because how else would i know what to help you with if it’s not said?

and i know that you feel delusional for seeking comfort from fictional characters but that’s simply not true. because personally, through my own writing, what these people say or do are essentially extensions of the authors who use them in their literature. so whenever craig and kenny talk to reader in youth, they’re not just baseless things that are said just cause for the plot. they’re actual words with real meaning and intent to whoever is reading their dialogue. so with that in mind, what they both have said is their words of affirmation and reassurance to you:

feelings aren’t illogical. they aren’t wrong nor are they here for no reason. they aren’t a failure of self control, they aren’t a burden, and they are not an inconvenience. emotions are generated from actual things that happened, they are normal reactions to things that actually happened!! if you feel sad, anxious, hurt, overwhelmed, mad, frustrated—even if it seems illogical, there’s a very good reason you feel this way. you aren’t supposed to control how you feel, you aren’t supposed to doubt your emotions. they are always just a reaction, they do not come from you!! they’re not your failure, feeling all this is normal and logical under unbearable circumstances of anything that’s happened.

i hope you will be kinder to yourself babe, you deserve it :< it makes me so, so upset when you can’t see how amazing you are in my eyes and i bet everyone else’s just because of some mistakes you made along the way or any ill feelings you harbor for yourself. i really wish you didn’t beat yourself up so much over them, those mistakes or whatever negative things that have happened don’t define you.

and remember: you’re not stuck the way you are now. every day you have the potential to grow and to learn, and you do grow and learn, all the time! it may not feel like it because it’s so subtle, but you do. the universe won’t let you get stuck, there is so much more to discover and i’ll always be here with you along the way! it’s inevitable to make mistakes, it’s human nature and wouldn’t make sense to be perfect on the get-go. no one is like that. just remember, progress can’t be compared. progress is still progress and slow + steady will still win the race! as long as you’re not changing yourself to cater to someone else’s needs or society’s standards then i will always support your desire to strive for the best version of yourself!!♡

[simplysummers]

You are a real bitch. I managed to keep it to myself for a while but I am sick of nobody telling you what we think. You go around this fandom acting like youre some unproblematic princess who loves everybody equally when really your a mean and selfish little asshole who thinks she is right about everything. You are two faced, youre entitled, you think youre so perfectly right about everything because you have passion and you use fancy words. Well princess you arent. Im sick of seeing it. Your work is not special enough for your ‘better than me’ attitude to be acceptable, when you offer good quality work for our space maybe Id get it but you dont. Saying Grant Gustin has pretty eyes isnt special. Do better. Because we dont want you in here claiming youre so precious and sweet when we know what youre really like.

Now considering I’m not one to usually answer hate anons, you should consider it a privilege that I’m even giving you the time of day right now :) /j

The funny thing about this anonymous message is that, based upon the language given and how they’ve approached me, this appears to be somebody in my current fandom, somebody who clearly knows me and the work I produce, and by extension someone I would most likely know myself, and yet they still don’t have the gall to come up to me without anonymity to protect them and say “hey Bea, you may have hurt my feelings, can we talk?” to try and figure out a solution to whatever problem there may be. So that clearly shows me that you aren’t looking to resolve conflict here, you’re just trying to hurt me.

And mission vaguely accomplished, because last week when this came through I was very hurt, not by your insults regarding my work, but because I was suddenly questioning every interaction I’ve had within the glee fandom. Why? Because I care about how I’m perceived. My biggest online rule is that I never want to make somebody feel anxious or worried when it comes to entering a fandom space. I may have differing opinions to somebody, I may not like your ship, and to be frank there are people in this fandom that I flat out don’t like very much, some even in my close circle, but why would I go out of my way to make their day/life miserable? If I can coexist with them peacefully, I will do so because I have no reason to chase them away. They’re not hurting me, nor am I hurting them if we’re both just going about our days. Why would anybody want to tear somebody else down like that, why would anybody want to chase someone out of a fandom because you don’t enjoy their content?

You seem to know about that, as you’ve clearly demonstrated here, why don’t you tell me?

So no, anon, I don’t love everybody equally, I’ve never claimed that I do, but I do pride myself on being a nice person. I would never impose my dislike upon the fandom because that would make the environment toxic for me and everybody else, why would I want that in a safe space? Everybody can exist without worry that I will be there to knock them down because I’m not that kind of person. And the funny thing is, for the most part I actually like everybody in the kurtbastian/Sebastian fandom, two of my fave mutuals are seblaine shippers, a ship I despise! So calling me out for being unaccepting or ‘two faced’ as you say, seems slightly redundant.

Secondly, I don’t think I’m right about everything, and I’ve never claimed that I do in a serious sense. It’s a common joke amongst every fandom to say “This is canon now” or “I’m right” in regards to faves and hcs. That’s never anybody claiming that they are actually correct about something to the point of everybody else being wrong, and anybody who uses these jokey terms literally doesn’t get the reasonings for their existences. Nobody is actually claiming to be above anybody else, I can assure you, and I for one have never once said that. On my blog, my Sebastian opinions are correct to me and most of the time, me alone, do you happen to disagree with them? Awesomesauce, on your blog I bet you have a great perception of your favourites. I’m not forcing anybody to agree with me. In fact, I much prefer it when my ideas are solo to myself, because I can then prove that I work well with originality.

I apologise that you don’t find my work good enough for this fandom space. Here’s a really good idea for you my friend…don’t interact with it then. I’m not forcing you to read my essays, like my shitposts or look at my fanfics, I’m honestly too shy to advertise them properly anyway. You’re not under any obligation to enjoy what I do, you are subjecting yourself to it by reading. Don’t do that to yourself 💛

May I also ask before I finish up here, who is this ‘we’? Are you speaking on behalf of the Sebastian/kurtbastian circle? Did everybody in the entire glee fandom come together to give you criticisms on my tiny blog? Wow. That’s devotion. I must’ve made a huge negative difference with my ‘Grant Gustin has pretty eyes’ post, huh? I wonder if the flash fandom ever saw that 🤔

Oh and…I thought I was above this kind of behaviour….but for cowards like you, I guess I’m really not :(

Have a lovely day 🥰

[lenighorl]

I Missed You, George!

A Joji fanfic because there’s not a lot on tumblr, it makes me sad.

Here I am celebrating the release of Joji’s New Album.

Themes: Smut ; LDR ; Break Up ; 18+

—————-

This is how our relationship ended.

“This is not working anymore. I’m sorry, Y/N. This is too much for me.” He said, hurtful yet filled with sorrow.

His thumb gently touching my arm as if to comfort me with this news. Shocked is one way to put it. I tried my best not to let my jaw hang along with the tears that started to stream down my face. It was so sudden. I was so confused. We were doing so good but ever since i shared my thoughts about wanting to go back to my home country, he seemed so bothered by it although he did try to hide it. But it was just a thought, I definitely would push that thought aside if he asked me to.

“Why are you being like this? Did I do something wrong? Am I not enough?”

“Of course, you’re enough! But I just can’t right now.”

Feeling my eyes burn from this, I pushed his hand away from my arms lightly and immediately wiped my tears away.

“Y-yeah, no, you wouldn’t even tell me why? I-I don’t deserve this, George.” I stood up and left his apartment.

Few messages were sent asking how I was, after answering coldly a few times, the messages eventually stopped coming in.

I figured, of course, he’s this world renowned musician, he had probably moved on. Besides, with his status, he could easily get whoever he wanted. I don’t even know how he liked me in the beginning. Im not the model type. I look like an average girl. I am an average girl. I am a nobody. Why did he make me feel this way only to break up with me without an explanation? My body is far from perfect but the way he touched and kissed and looked at me felt like I was the most beautiful thing in the world. But I guess, I was just a chapter in his life, and he was ready to turn to the next page.

————— one year and three months pass

“—the Japanese-Australian singer, Joji is finally coming here this coming Monday for his much awaited concert! Oh, I’m so excited for this!” says the local celebrity news caster on the tv.

I gasped. Joji knew where my home country was. We’ve talked so much about my culture and my family and he knew how much I missed them when I was in the US. The concert’s in a few days and although I have no intention of watching, I did think about how it would be like to be with him again. To touch him and kiss him. To cuddle and smell him again.

I miss you so much, George. You have no idea.

I miss you so much that it tears me up every time I would think about the pretty moments we shared. I remember everything. Even sitting on your lap and helping you shave, taking hot baths together when you’d come home to me tired from making music. Making you try a new recipe i made and you loving every dish because you’re such a foodie. Coming home and immediately laying almost on top of me in the couch, resting your chin on my chest, looking up at me with a pout and me kissing the pout away. I just wanna lay right by your side again, Joj.

*ding*

I checked my phone as I escape my thoughts of Joji. And— wait! Oh my God! No way!

Hey, Y/N! I heard you’re in (Y/country), come say hi to an old friend. I miss you.

A whole 15 minutes go by just thinking of a cool way to answer this. Of course, there’s nothing else I want in this world but to see you again, Joji but I must be cool and not look like a complete idiot puppy.

We set up the specifics and decided to meet at the hotel he’s staying at for dinner. The dinner will be served inside his hotel room to avoid getting seen by other people. He can’t have bad press or rumors now, he says. It made me sad but I know how fragile his mental health gets and I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. I had no right to.

—————

The pressure of choosing what to wear and how to present myself after over a year of not seeing Joji is intense. I put on a comfortable A-line dress, Sandals and some light make up. I don’t wanna seem like I put too much effort. Besides, things are over between us, right?

—————

1702. I knocked at his hotel room door and it didn’t take long until he opened the door. As the door opens, I put on a smile to maybe mask the nervousness I feel inside.

“Hey, Y/N!” He immediately envelops me in a tight hug, pulling me up slightly. I missed your scent, my georgie.

“I missed you too, Y/N. Even if you don’t want to say it.” Joji says smiling at me. He looked happy. It broke me a little seeing his smile because it’s probably not because of me.

“I missed you, Georgie!” I said passing him the bottle of wine I brought with me.

“Oooh, wine! You’re a changed woman now, Y/N. This used to be a bottle of tequila and cheap weed.”

I laughed as I sat in his bed.

“I love your new music, Joj. I’m so proud of you.” I stood up connecting my phone to the Bose Bluetooth Speaker in front of the TV.

I played “Ew” off of his new album.

“This is my personal favorite.” I look back at him, he nods as he sits on the end of the bed. He looked different, his face more serious.

Ooh, teach me to love just to let me go..

I sit beside Joji.

“How have you been, y/n?”

I froze a little seeing how serious he was and just like how I deal with stressful circumstances, I decide to act playful.

“Miserable without you!” I laughed slightly punching his shoulder. Well, this is awkward. But Joji, It was the truth.

While looking at the floor, a smile creeps up his face and says “Same.” He looks at me straight in the eyes, i avoided his stare and looked at the floor. My smile almost disappearing.

“Wanna order some food?” I said,

“What I want is to kiss you, Y/N.”

I feel my cheeks start to burn as I look back at him. Are we in a movie? I’m pretty sure this happens only in movies. Yes, George. I want to kiss you. I want more than just to kiss you.

I met his eyes and seeing his face look so tired and sad and lonely all of a sudden, I leaned in and kissed him.

Joji’s kisses were always deep, there’s a pull to them. Hard but gentle. Sensual and sweet. The kiss was slow. I held his face and his hands were on my waists.

He starts to go down on my neck. He felt so hungry. And like before, he didn’t care about what people would say if he marks his territory. His hands slipped inside my dress and he’s groping my thighs. My hands entangled in his hair. He gives a low groan as he pulls me to sit on his lap.

Oh, how I’ve missed this.

As Im Starting to feel myself well up and I feel George’s hands start to pull on my dress, I let him take it off of me. This leaves me in my bra and underwear. I stood up, and took his hands to motion him to stand too. I undressed him. And I kiss him again as I trace all of my favorite tattoos on him. I push him lightly to sit on the bed and knelt down in front of him.

I felt the hunger. This is really happening.

I stroked his hard member slowly and looked up at him. He’s looking down at me with those sleepy looking eyes. He grabbed my hair and pushed me on his throbbing cock.

I sucked on his cock like it was the end of the world. Between his moans and groans, i feel his hips move up and his hand on my head push me down until I could no longer handle his length. Seeing his legs twitch a little, I stopped.

I stood up. His eyes following my every movement. I looked at him too, just wanting him inside me. I took off my bra, took his hands and made him pull my panties down. I straddled him, kissing his lips and neck. Gently biting his ear when he’s busy with my breasts, feeling the tip of his hard cock poking my belly button.

“I’m so fucking wet, Joji.”

“Mmhm..” He says.

“I want you inside me, now.”

He stops licking and kissing my breasts and flips me on the bed until he’s on top of me.

“I missed you so much, baby.” he says as he trails kisses on my body. I let out a moan as his tongue reaches my clit. I grabbed the sheet with my left hand and put my hand on his head while he eats me.

“Oh fuck, you’re so good, baby!” I let out as i am running out of breath. My hips rotate along with his tongue on my clit. Pushing his head down as if there were still space to fill. He fingers me as he continuously ears me. He growls at my wetness. I moan louder and breathe heavier. I start to reach my climax, shaking as he licks me. He suddenly stops and that made me open my eyes and say “What the fuck, bitch?” He laughs. I notice his mouth and nose glistening from my wetness. He bends down and kisses me.

I break the kiss to say, “Please, Joji. Put your dick in me!” I plead.

“Yes, your majesty.” He chuckles then positions his dick at my entrance. He looks at me and kisses me as he enters me. I moan in between the kisses as he plays with my nipples with his fingers. He growls as his pace quickens.

“Yes, baby!” I let out. He grabs my arm and makes me turn around and be on my knees. My upper body and face on the sheets. Moans and groans fill the air. His grip on my hips are hard, the type where it might leave a bruise after but it’s fine because his dick was divine. It was worth the wait.

He grabs both of my arms as he fucks me senseless. I am now kneeling but my body is against his. I hear his growls. “Fuck, Y/N.” His pace starts to get sloppy. I moan out of pure satisfaction. “I’m so close, baby.” And As i said that, i started shaking. My hand on his nape as he palms by breast. As I moan, he starts groaning and with this I felt his hot cum shoot up inside me and start to drip down my inner thighs.

I turn around, we’re both out of breath. I give him a peck on the lips. His hands on my butt.

“I still love you, Joji.” I said breathlessly.

He didn’t reply. He looked at me deeply, but sad. I figured, Maybe he really doesn’t want me the way I wanted him. Saddened, I got up and cleaned myself in the bathroom. I came out and I see him laying under the sheets and just before I grab the first item of clothing, he says,

“Come here, Y/N.”

I went to the bed and hugged him. I rested my head on his chest.

“I’m sorry I broke up with you. Its just that when you said you wanted to go back home, I didn’t want to be the reason for you to stay. I know how much it killed you being away from your family.”

So that was the reason.

“But you were my family too, Joji. Still is. And maybe, you’re right. I would’ve stayed there with you but at least I wouldn’t suffer losing you.” I look at Joji with tears in my eyes.

“I love you, Y/N.”

“I love you more, George.”

“Can we try again?

I laugh at his words. He wipes my tears away. I kiss him again.

“As long as you give me tickets to your show tomorrow.” I giggle.

“Fuck you!” He says in between his laughter as he gets up and lights a cigarette.

——————

Hope you like my first fic!

Ps. I used “Ew” for the storyline, alright?

Feel free to let me know about your thoughts.

❤️

[amethysthaunting]

Sending in lots of em :]]

What’s your system name if you have one, and how did you choose it?

Are there any activities your system members like to do together? Collective hobbies? Talk about those!

What’s the average age of your systemmates?

Does anyone in your system have roles? If so, what roles?

What does switching feel like to you, if you switch at all? 

What’s your favourite part of being a system?

What is something you wish singlets knew about plurality?

ty for the ask :3 general disclaimer im not sure whats osdd and whats just like bpd being fucky and im still questioning but this is all l how i Currently conceptualize it

system name: currently on pluralkit it is Fuckers because we are just. lads. guys. goobers even

hobbies: idk if this counts but I think rose likes gossiping 😭 which just amounts to. us mentally bitching about something . together <3 also rose seems to like horror shit and so do i so if i put on like scream for the millionth time we are both content

age: uhhhh somewhere between 13 and 16 I think . rose's age seems to be finicky so it depends, while mine is constant/matches our actual age.

roles: I'm host and the one who's around like 90% of the time, and then there's this like fuckin. guy. i don't know much about yet . named Nobody . who seems to be there to calm down? by completely disconnecting from the concept of identity. I can't tell if it's just me bpding or a proper part but i don't really mind, i mostly just worry bc that guy seems stressed. and then rose seems to be some sort of anger holder and trauma holder at the same time

switching: either this slow fade into being like pushed out of myself and my own mind, and becoming someone Else, or like. a really sharp "ough what the fuck". sometimes there is a headache involved

favourite part: I'm really good at passing time when I'm bored because I am already set to dissociate /hj (really though I can sit stare at a wall and zone out for a second and suddenly it's been half an hour)

wish they knew: that it's not all like super distinct separate parts all the time, I suppose. currently im questioning OSDD-1A or P-DID, both of which involve much less actual separation in the alters' identities (though it's still there), major switching mostly taking place under stress, but high memory issues. so there's not necessarily a world of difference between me and some of the other parts in my brain but that doesn't mean we're not still separated somewhat

[nonbinarygamzee]

Dave thoughts? I'm very curious about your hatred for that guy (if that makes sense)

HAHA ok so admittedly maybe my posts about how much i hate him are a bit overblown because i basically think its really funny that he only comes up on my blog if i am being a hater. integral to understand that while i post "fandom" content on here that i dont really think of this as a fandom blog so much as a blog where i come to have conversations with myself and so naturally just bc of who i am a lot of my little posts are full of context and meaning i never bother to externalize because they are for me to reread later and have a little chuckle about.

anyways. theres a lot of reasons i find him grating but i can at least admit it that a lot of my annoyance has more to do with the way i was forced to slog through strider manpain posts endlessly as a teenager any direction i tried to look. when the fandom seemed hyperfocused on him and his woes while actively sending me like graphic gore at like age 14 for saying hey maybe this other character also deserves some sympathy and maybe even analysis that has more to say than why they are an evil irredeemable monster for being unstable as a child. which yknow that isnt daves fault but man even without that part it was tiring to see all of the emotional depth constantly boxed into his corner. and then to repeatedly have the comics itself affirm all of this as valid exploration and then ridicule me for My exploration. for many many years the strider manpainisms made me not bother with dirk just on principle even though today hes one of the more interesting characters to me! so i can admit im not being totally "fair" here but well. as usual i think the fandom darlings can handle a fraction of the disdain ive see thrown my favies ways constantly for over a decade.

and like none of that to say i dont Get why people do this with him or that he deserved anything he got as a kid or it wasnt abuse or whatever. let the records show that i think it is Wrong to terrorize your brotherson with swords and sex puppets. im a feminist.

more rooted in the reality of the comic itself though i just find it grating how often daves sole function in a scene is to be the authors mouthpiece and specifically often in ways where you are meant to implicitly agree with the things he is saying irregardless of whether they are a centrist gen x nightmare opinion because its also the larger opinion of homestuck as an entity. dave is far from the only character to do this and id say any of the characters you could comfortably refer to as the "protagonists" actually end up slipping into this fairly often. that said the other biggest offenders imo are karkat, egbert and terezi and i also have feelings of extreme ambivalence for terezi and to be honest an outright disinterest in egbert. so. i am at least consistent about it! karkats my special guy but i need him hunted for sport and tortured until he stops being this and largely the things he believe that make me feel that way heavily align with the opinions the comic depicts as mostly right and again tend to be moments hussies worldview is bleeding into the narrative especially openly.

anddd ok. i just find daves personality grating on top of it. i cant sit here and pretend ive never laughed at a dave strider dialogue but generally a lot of the parts people find very funny are parts i tend to come away having seen the thousanth iteration of dave having his worldview affirmed and getting to do some #awesome clapback at the person insinuating he even try to think outside of his own preconceived ideas about what things should be like. in general in a story so full of characters doing bad things it just grates on me that, while his offenses are certainly usually "minor" in the grand scheme of things, the lack of willingness to challenge them often just means like dave gets to be right and nobody remembers when he actually massively fucks someone else up or makes them feel worse. like to be clear none of this is a problem in that characters cant "do bad things", i literally like vriska, but it would be cool if we could at least like. acknowledge that theyre anything but entertaining even within the context of the universe where other characters should be allowed to be uncomfortable when hes actively creepy or uses their emotional breaking points as a soapbox for how He feels. but since it would cause this big rift in how homestuck itself presents the opinions it wants you to agree with, those characters just..... not only do not mind most of the time but even if they do its never in a way that allows them agency in the matter. thats the crux of it all for me actually, hes by far one of the most autonomous characters of the bunch and it feels frequently like his agency is at the expense of others because hes a self insert.

um ok tldr hes annoying and him being the Face of homestuck is like..... accurate but in the most painful nightmare way because he kind of just. Is homestuck. to me.

(and i actually do see iterations of him sometimes that i find compelling but they all feel so detached from how hes presented in the comic that it just feels like someones oc. all of this said also i actually kind of have an absurd amount of thoughts on how he would act post game (epilogues ignored here) just i dont bother to do much with em because dave likers would hate it and other dave haters probably wouldnt care enough lol. also always secondary info anyways, hes finally allowed irrelevency in My city)

[wintersoldierbmb]

thursday june 6 i feel like a useless person.

im not depressed and haven’t been for like a year now but i can feel it creeping back in. family drama somehow found a way to me and without saying too much i don’t know who to trust anymore. people really don’t care about me as much as they lie and say they do.

on another note I’m just not motivated to do anything anymore. i wish i could just die. i don’t want to be useless. even though i am in college and stuff i still feel like my life is going to go nowhere and i’ll just be another person existing, taking up everyone else’s oxygen for no reason. i don’t deserve to live if i can’t be useful. i feel like i am incapable of doing the simplest of tasks and that makes me feel like i have no future. i wish someone would get rid of me so i don’t have to kill myself. i wish i didn’t have ADHD. i wish my mind wasn’t on a trillion things at once all the time. i wish i was easy for people to understand. i wish the smallest ripples in how i feel in a moment didn’t have the potential to make my whole day crash and burn. i really wish i was rich, and if not rich then at least normal so that i could be a functioning member of society and be able to get a job or something. i wish i had my own house but i will probably never get one because i can’t save money for the life of me. music isn’t working even though I’ve been consistently doing that since i was born (literally) so there’s another goal in the trash. i have been wasting my time with everything i try to pursue. i should just die.

i’m 19 years old and the only asset i have is the fact that i’m in college. i passed my summer one classes (i think) and i can’t even celebrate it. i can’t bring myself to be happy about that achievement. all i can do is thank God and move on. internally i’m not happy or proud of myself. even now i want to drop out. i am my biggest enemy. i’m not capable of doing things everyone else has learned to do when they were 15, 16, 17 in high school. i don’t think i have an interesting future or even a good one at all. i will die with regrets on how i lived my life. if i grow old, it will be into a life of regret of how lame i was as a youth, and how i didn’t choose to do what everyone else did. my perception on life is very skewed, but i don’t even know how to look at life anymore. i spent so much time being high and under the influence in the past few years that it was the only reality i could function in. now i’m trying to be sober again and not depend on weed to make me a normal person and the only thing it is doing is making me feel like shit inside. my self worth is only high on one day out of the week (probably because i was high that day) and for the rest of the week i feel worthless. if i killed myself i wouldn’t hurt a lot of people except for MAYBE my mom and i don’t want to do that to her.

i feel like something is wrong with me or that i am mentally retarded. everyone else seems to have the necessary brainpower to do everything they need to in life, but here i am being slow in mine. i try every day to improve my work ethic and attitude about living, but my insecurities overwhelm me. all i can think about is how dumb i feel. i feel like a stupid person. i am not intelligent or as intelligent as people make me out to be. if i was in any situation worse than i have been in in my life i probably wouldn’t make it. i thank God every day for always giving me another chance, but i feel sad because i feel like i’m wasting it. He is too merciful to someone who cannot make anything for himself. music is all i have to offer anymore. nothing about me is special or different enough for me to get recognized for. i don’t even feel like a real person anymore. i feel like i’m nobody. i should die soon and quit wasting everyone’s time, but i’m too scared to do it to myself. drugs are the only thing that “restore” me, but thats how you end up being a fucking junkie. i will never be a junkie. i’m hoping one of these days i overdose or get a bad batch of some weed or tale a strange pill or get spiked and die from it. i don’t want torture or deserve a long painful death as i haven’t done anything to earn that. the only thing that i need to do is die. quickly