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yadds · 5 years

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Role Reversal (Tony Pines) - Pt. 3

Y’all. It’s been dang near a year since I’ve written anything, but i couldn’t quit this. So here is part 3 of 4.

In which Tony dives back into old bad habits and Peter gets pissed.

Part 1

Part 2

ao3

My angsty Spotify playlist I listened to while writing this

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Half an hour later, Tony groaned as he mustered the energy to fumble up to a seated position at the edge of his bed. “Fuck,” he muttered to himself, pinching the bridge of his nose.

He heaved a sigh before pushing himself to his feet and stumbling to the bathroom. “Friday, what is Peter doing?” he questioned, absently rubbing at his aching back.

“Mr. Parker is currently making lunch in the kitchen,” Friday responded dutifully. Tony noted this, figuring if he got his shit together quickly, he’d be able to leave out the back and avoid him.

He was brushing his teeth when he dimly heard the door to his suite opening. Thinking more quickly than he would have thought possible in his current state, he mumbled incoherently through the toothpaste foam in his mouth for Friday to turn on the shower. She was able to correctly interpret and follow his command as Tony grumbled resentfully about how Jarvis would have known to warn him that Peter was coming to his room.

As he’d hoped, the sound of the shower running kept Peter from inquiring after him, instead calling loudly through the door, “Hey Mr. Stark, I made lunch and thought you might be hungry so I brought you some. I guess I’ll just, um, leave it out here.”

Tony, standing near the door, heard Peter hesitate for a long moment, probably waiting for a response, before he finally turned around and his footsteps faded in the distance. His forehead thumped against the closed bathroom door and he released a deep breath when he heard his outer door close again.

Figuring he should go ahead and take advantage of the currently running shower, Tony quickly undressed and went through the motions. As he finished, he briefly considered packing a bag but immediately dismissed the idea. He only had to be gone for the weekend and it wasn’t like he couldn’t just buy whatever he needed. And he wanted to get out of there as soon as possible.

When he opened the door, his gaze caught on the grilled cheese sandwich sitting on a paper plate (where had he even found paper plates?) with a side of carrots and celery sticks and a large glass of water. His heart squeezed in his chest and his eyes clenched shut at the simple but kind gesture, so like Peter.

He stood over the plate for a minute before finally grabbing the sandwich and shoving it in his mouth as he made his way out.

“Alright Fri, now what is Peter doing? And just so I’m explicit here, the goal is to avoid him , so you maybe wanna help me out a bit?” Tony bit out before leaving his suite.

“Yes, sir. Mr. Parker is currently eating in the kitchen but will be finishing up soon.” Friday responded. At least one good side of effect of the less intuitive AI was that she wasn’t going to ask needling questions and tell Tony he was being ridiculous. Small victories.

After successfully sneaking to the hangar, he aborted his original plan to take the jet since Peter would need that to get home. Guess he’d have to settle for a road trip.

Several hours later found Tony at a casino in Atlantic City.

The money, the new clothes, and the fawning admiration of faceless men and women didn’t seem to hold the same appeal as they did fifteen years ago.

But hey, booze is booze at least, which helped smooth the way.

By midnight, he’d ignored four calls from Peter. He’d also drank enough to convince himself he didn’t care. If it was actually an emergency, Friday would let him know. Not that he was in any shape to do anything about it if there was one, except as a barely functioning phone tree.

The cheering around him implied that he’d just won big, which earned him a large pair of breasts pressed close to his side. He glanced over to see a big grin, long lashes framing caramel-colored eyes, and unruly brown curls. He could work with that. He swept his arms around her and she melted into his embrace with a giggle.

By the time he and the brunette bombshell had retired to his room, Tony had ignored yet another two calls from Peter. He heard the text tone trill as he fell onto the plush hotel mattress with his new friend. He ignored it in favor of paying special attention to the long, pale neck beneath his lips. It remained silent for the next 30 minutes that he was conscious before passing out.

Tony opened his eyes and struggled to focus on the strange ceiling above him, wondering what had woken him because he sure as hell didn’t just wake up naturally. He looked around blearily, gaze falling on the bare back and messy hair two feet away from him in bed. Didn’t look like she was inclined to be up and about either.

He drew in a deep breath and let it out in a low groan, hands scrubbing down his face. As his hands fell away, his eyes focused on the rest of the room and he shot upright, nearly calling one of his gauntlets into being when he noticed a figure standing at the foot of the bed.

“What the everloving fuck?” he shouted hoarsely, belatedly recognizing the intruder as one Peter Parker.

“You know, it would have been shockingly easy to kill you in the past ten minutes that I’ve been trying to wake you if that’s what you were concerned about,” Peter said casually, hands burrowing into the pockets of his jeans.

Tony threw a glare in his direction as he flopped back onto the bed and pulled a pillow on top of his head. If I can’t see you, you can’t see me , he thought childishly.

Unfortunately, his disappearing act was lost on Peter. “Care to tell me what was so urgent that you suddenly had to disappear without notice and ignore all my calls?”

Tony shrugged. “Was bored. Care to tell me why the hell you’re here?” he muttered into the mattress.

“I would have, if you’d answered my calls. Or at least read my texts.” Peter’s voice was deceptively mild, despite the topic at hand.

“Didn’t notice. Who even knows where my phone’s been all night?” Tony said with feigned nonchalance even as his heart continued to pound.

There was a rustling of fabric as Peter said, “Right here, in your pants pocket, which I assume you had on your person until fairly recently since you are spectacularly drunk, which was probably accomplished by a long bout of partying before falling into bed with this respectable young lady.”

Tony turned to said respectable young lady, who had been roused by the conversation, and gave her a strained smile. “Hey sweetheart, would you mind giving us a minute?” He noticed Peter’s face spasm briefly at this request, but the woman quickly gathered her clothes and left.

Tony sighed again as he flipped back over to stare at the ceiling. “And how do you know that I’m ‘spectacularly drunk,’ Mr. Parker?” he inquired, forming lazy air quotes.

“Friday told me,” Peter said simply.

“Snitch bitch,” Tony mumbled, before the implication sank in. “Wait, why would she tell you? I told her to ice you out,” he admitted unthinkingly.

Peter’s casual facade cracked a bit at this, his lips thinning almost to the point of disappearing. “Nice. Very mature of you, Mr. Stark.” He shook his head to himself before answering the question. “I’ve reestablished some of her dormant protocols.”

“And who the hell gave you that authority?”

“It’s for your own safety and you had previously established them, so it was pretty easy to work around the permissions issue.”

Tony’s brow furrowed. “But those protocols shouldn’t work without the BAC chip, which I distinctly remember...removing.”

“Yeah, well I un-removed it, in a spot that you won’t be able to access without some assistance, which your AIs are forbidden to provide.”

“And when was this?”

“Less than 24 hours ago, when you were, yet again, passed out drunk.” Noticing Tony’s indignant expression that surely preceded some snarky comment, Peter continued. “Hey, if you don’t like it, there’s an easy solution - quit drinking so damn much that you are semi-permanently in a vulnerable, easily-manipulated state. I thought you were some kind of control freak,” Peter said with a shrug. Though his voice was still mild, his eyes were flinty and cold with fury, knowing he was hitting where it hurt.

“So you want me to just sit around watching a couple of stupid, necking college boys all weekend?” Tony lashed out with a scoff, throwing Peter’s words from the day before right back at him. “I’ve got better things to do, kid.”

Tony’s heart seized when he saw Peter’s eyes shutter and his jaw clench tight. “Well then you could have just said something, you know that. Don’t try to blame this on me - I gave you every opportunity to get rid of me.”

Tony’s eyes slammed shut for a long moment. How ready Peter was to believe that was what he wanted.

When Tony continued to remain silent, Peter tsked. “So this is your something better to do? Acting like you’re still 21? Pretending this makes you feel better?”

Tony folded his arms under his head in a gesture of careless ease. “Who says I’m pretending?”

“Well if that’s true, you’re even more screwed up than I thought,” Peter said quietly.

Kid, you have no idea , Tony thought.

After another long, tense silence, Tony finally said, “So this is why you came here? To scold me?”

“Yes Tony, that’s exactly why I came all the way here and scaled 40 stories on the outside of a building, to scold you.” He shook his head again in frustration. “Whatever. Go back to all your ‘fun.’ Just...please be careful. And come home soon. I’ll be leaving as soon as I get my things when I get back, so you don’t have to worry about dealing with me.”

By the time Tony dredged up the courage to drag his gaze back up, Peter was gone. He felt like his rib cage might just cave in under the weight of his guilt.

It only got worse when he realized that was the first time Peter had ever called him by his name.

Tony wallowed in self pity for another hour before rolling out of bed with a sigh. Peter was right - this wasn’t making him feel any better, so there really wasn’t a point in sticking around. He’d be more comfortable wallowing in the comfort of his own home.

He noticed that his watch was missing after he’d finished packing. Probably stolen by that woman. Figures. At least it wasn’t one of his nano particle housings.

His phone rang as he was driving back.

"Rhodey, baby, talk to me! Tell me something good."

"Wanna tell me why the tabloids are blowing up about the playboy persona making an explosive reappearance in Atlantic City last night?" Rhodey asked dryly.

"You know, just had to get out for a while, feel the smoky casino breeze in my hair," Tony replied blithely.

"Mmhmm. Right. And the, completely unrelated I'm sure, sighting of SpiderMan scaling the very same building?"

Tony grunted. "It would appear that I am surrounded by people who care so much about me that I can't get a single moment to myself."

"What an awful problem to have," Rhodey drawled.

When Tony didn't respond, Rhodey continued. "So, how is that, uh, situation going?"

"What? My apparently very public backslide into bad habits isn't answer enough?" Sarcasm, the one coping mechanism that hadn't failed him yet.

Rhodey's deep sigh gusted loudly through the car's speakers. "Tony, seriously - do you want me to come down there? We can just take a break from everything, hang out and eat a lot of food and watch bad TV. I'll even let you go all mad scientist on my legs like you've been wanting lately."

Tony seriously considered it before shaking his head. "No, I think I need to work through this on my own for a while," he said seriously. "And you need to spend time with your new bae." ("Oh my God, please do not call her that.") "I will definitely be taking you up on the offer to work on those atrociously outdated things you call legs though."

He could hear Rhodey's eyes rolling through the phone, he knew it. "Yeah, okay, we'll see about that. What are you doing now, anyway? Still in Jersey?"

"For the next..." Tony checked his location. "...15 minutes, yep. Currently on the way back home."

"You realize that you're finally too old for all that shit?"

"Ouch, Rhodey bear. I mean, yes, but still. Can't you be a bit more gentle? My ancient, brittle soul can't handle the abuse," Tony pouted.

Rhodey chuckled. "We both know tough love is your love language. For real though, if you need anything then just give me a call - I'll be there for you as soon as you admit you need me."

Tony felt his chest loosen and his heart warm as a soft smile stole across his face. "Of course, dear heart. Now off with you so that I can drive to sad songs and wallow in peace, damn it."

"Wouldn't want to stand in the way of that. Hey, I love you, man," Rhodey said.

"Love you too, buddy," Tony responded before ending the call and feeling that warmth slowly fade away into the dark void behind his heart.

When he arrived back at the compound, he sat in his car in the garage, hands wrapped white-knuckle tight around the steering wheel as he took deep breaths.

“Hey Fri, the kid still here?”

“No, sir. Mr. Parker exited the premises 43 minutes ago. His guest left several hours before that.”

Tony blew out his breath in a noisy gust. He’d eventually have to talk to Peter about what happened, clear up the misunderstanding that he didn’t want him around. But that felt like a Herculean task at the moment, too much to even think about. Luckily, Tony Stark was a pro at avoidance.

Instead, he chose to focus on how the hell Peter had reactivated the dormant S.L.I.P protocol.

Once he got back to his room, he flopped backwards on the bed, calling out, “Friday, play back what the hell Parker’s been doing this weekend, starting with the most recent activity.”

A holoscreen appeared in front of him, showing Peter sitting on his bed looking miserable. Tony quickly swiped it away, ignoring the sharp pang in his chest. “Let’s respect at least a little bit of privacy, yeah? Only show me when he’s in a common area or one of my areas.”

Without further comment, Friday brought up another clip, projecting Peter and Harry mid conversation in the kitchen.

“Why do you let Tony treat you like that?” Harry was asking, sounding irritated as he peeled a sticker off an apple.

“Treat me like what?” Peter responded absently, looking through the fridge.

“Like you’re...his pet or something. It’s weird,” Harry said, his lip curling.

Peter shut the fridge and turned towards Harry. “Excuse me, what?”

“Oh come on. Don’t pretend like you haven’t noticed.” Harry rolled his eyes and took a bite of his apple before continuing. “The pet names, the way he spoils you, the touching - good God, the touching. It’s damn near inappropriate.”

Peter was gaping. “He’s my mentor and we’ve...been through a lot together. There’s nothing inappropriate about it at all!”

Tony stroked his reconstructed breastbone to try to ease the pressure building behind it as he felt the burn of shame roiling in his gut.

Harry snorted. “Peter. You can’t be serious. He’s constantly looking at me like I stole something from him, like he’s challenging me.”

“Well he doesn’t like you. And frankly, at this moment, I don’t exactly blame him,” Peter shot back with a glare.

“Of course you wouldn’t. When would you ever blame your precious Tony Stark?”

“What does it even matter to you? Are you jealous or something?”

“Of course I’m jealous,” Harry scoffed. “I really like you, Peter. And it sucks knowing that with a snap of his fingers, he could take you away from me.”

“It’s really not like that,” Peter insisted desperately. “I just...it’s hard to explain. But it’s not like that, I swear.”

“But if it could be, if he decided he wanted you like that, would you say no?”

“I- I- I mean, he’s got some issues and he’s maybe not the, uh, poster child for healthy relationships, but he doesn’t want me like that. I’m just a kid to him, his protege.” Tony winced. At least he’d managed to fool one person.

Harry smiled sadly. “You never said no, Peter.”

“Of course I’d say no- I mean what are the odds anyway? And honestly I’ve never really thought about it, like that’s so crazy, and…” Peter trailed off as he quickly turned back to the fridge, rummaging aimlessly. “Man, I really am starving. You want something? There’s, uh, strawberries, leftover pizza, stuff for some...really gross smoothies, and-”

“Peter,” Harry broke in, cutting across his nervous rambling. “If you had to choose between me and him, who would you choose?”

Peter finally stopped even pretending like he was doing anything else. “You know, that’s a really shitty thing to ask. Why should I ever have to choose? You and he fill completely different roles in my life. And if you’re going to ask me to make an ultimatum like that, then that makes the choice pretty damn easy.”

Harry sighed roughly. “Fine, you’re right, that wasn’t cool. And if I really believed that we fulfilled completely different roles in your life then maybe this wouldn’t be such a big deal, but I don’t think that’s really true. I feel like he’s your primary relationship - you’re just using me to fill in the gaps.”

“Come on, Harry, that’s not true. You’re not like a replacement or anything, I really do care about you.”

“I know you do, Peter. But can you honestly tell me that if Stark wanted to be in a romantic relationship with you, that he wanted to step into that final remaining role as well, that you wouldn’t say yes?”

Tony moved to close the feed, not needing to hear Peter’s immediate rejection. He may be a bit of a masochist, but even he had his limits. Or so he thought. But as the silence continued for a long awkward moment, he found he couldn’t close it, waiting with baited breath.

Peter blinked, mouth opening and closing several times. “I- I- uh….” Tony’s blood was singing through his veins, his heart pounding louder in his ears the longer there was no ‘no’. God, he should not be listening to this. This was actually probably worse than the rejection he’d been anticipating. That demon inside was writhing in his belly, heating him up from the inside out, ready to devour that sweet boy.

Harry’s hands balled into fists and the muscle in his jaw tightened and jumped before he blew out a long breath, shoulders slumping with released tension. “I think that’s answer enough.”

Peter scrambled over to Harry, grabbing one of his hands in both of his. “What does that mean? Are you breaking up with me? Because I can’t give you an immediate answer to some crazy, hypothetical situation that has zero chance of happening? That’s not fair,” he said earnestly.

“Not fair? Peter, I expect that the person I’m dating would have a pretty immediate answer ready when asking if they would drop me for someone else if they became an option. Anything less than a definite ‘no’ isn’t fair to me . I deserve more than that!”

Peter’s gaze dropped and his cheeks flushed. “Of course, you’re right. I’m-” Peter’s text alert went off and he froze momentarily before forcing himself to relax.

Harry’s eyes narrowed. “It’s been him you’ve been texting and calling all night, isn’t it? Not Ned like you said?”

“Not exactly,” Peter hedged.

Harry wrenched his hand back. “You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me,” he muttered.

“No, I’m sorry, I just- it’s...hard to explain,” Peter finished lamely, sounding like a broken record. Tony’s heart ached as he watched Peter’s conflicted expression, knowing Peter was keeping quiet for his sake, hiding the notifications of Tony's drunken escapades.

“Of course it is. Well here’s something that’s easy to explain - let’s take a break. You can figure out what the hell it is you want then maybe we can talk about it. I don’t even know,” Harry said, shaking his head.

“No, Harry, please-” Peter started, but Harry held up a hand to cut him off.

“Not right now, Peter, please. I just, I need some time to myself. I’m going to call an Uber and head out.”

“You don’t need to do that - the jet is big enough to have your own space, I won’t bother you. We can pack up and head out now.”

Harry looked at him for a few long moments before replying. “I’d actually rather not ride in Stark’s plane right now.” Peter reached out and grabbed his arm.

“Harry, I really am sorry,” he murmured.

“Do you even know what for?” Harry asked quietly.

Peter was silent for a beat too long. Harry pulled away and continued down the hall to pack up.

Peter crashed down onto his elbows on the counter, gripping his hair harshly. “Way to go, Parker.”

Tony watched him wallow for a few minutes before checking his phone. Peter started pacing back and forth then stopped abruptly as he apparently came to a decision and headed purposefully out of the room. Looking at the time stamp, he’d probably just decided to come after Tony.

Tony paused the footage with a sigh, his self-righteous anger sufficiently doused. He was surprisingly unhappy with this turn of events, despite it being exactly what he’d hoped for. He’d wanted Peter to get rid of that guy, but not at Peter’s expense. And essentially by Tony’s own hand. He had underestimated his ability to fuck up other peoples’ lives indirectly.

Well, he still wanted answers. “Alright Fri, let’s work our way back. Next clip.”

He only halfway paid attention as he skimmed through several more videos of Peter in the last 24 hours, his mind racing as he considered the conversation he’d overheard. This was exactly the kind of information he did not need to have. He could feel a yawning pit of greedy longing open in his core, warring with the despair in his heart at the thought of how he would inevitably destroy Peter’s life. He knew it was only a matter of time now before he gobbled up Peter completely, leaving him nothing that wasn’t stamped over with Tony Stark’s name.

His attention snapped back as he noticed Peter in the lab by himself the previous night. He wondered what excuse he’d given Harry.

“Volume up, Friday.”

Peter was talking to Friday in the lab. “Hey Friday, how are you tonight?”

“Quite well, Peter, thank you. And you?” the AI responded politely.

Peter’s smile was twisted and wry. “Been better, a little stressed out. Worried about Mr. Stark.”

“I see. Is there anything I can do to help?” Friday asked.

“Maybe? Didn’t Mr. Stark used to have some kind of protocol in place to help with his drinking? What ever happened to that?”

“Yes, the S.L.I.P. protocol, standing for Sobriety Lost Its Priority. It is designed to call emergency contacts when Mr. Stark’s drinking has surpassed casual social levels. It requires the presence of a subdermal BAC chip in order to be activated, which Mr. Stark has removed.” Friday dutifully reported. Traitor, Tony thought, glaring at the screen.

Squinting in thought, Peter asked, “So do you think you could make me another one? And set me as his emergency contact? I promise not to interfere unless I really think he’s in trouble.”

Friday was quiet for a moment before replying, “Yes. Since you have unlimited lab access and appear to have the boss’s best interests at heart, I believe this falls under the ‘For Your Own Damn Good’ protocol.”

“Yes!” Peter exclaimed with an excited fist pump.

Tony continued to watch with a mounting sense of betrayal as Friday manufactured the chip then explained to Peter how to insert it. “What the hell? How did something I created with my own two hands and all the love in my shriveled little heart become such a backstabbing bitch?”

“As I told Mr. Parker, I believed this fell under the-”

“Shut it, Johnny 5. Not interested.”

As Peter finished plotting with his AI, it occurred to Tony that he’d missed something. “Hold the phone. When did he insert the damn chip? How did I miss this?”

He quickly scanned the subsequent footage, watching Peter’s interactions with him more closely. There. When Peter had come to check on him in the morning and found him dead to the world in his living quarters. He’d kind of averted his eyes and skipped past the part where Peter looked epically disappointed before picking him up and putting him in bed. He forced himself to watch through it now.

“That sneaky little shit,” Tony muttered, watching Peter inject the chip in the middle of Tony’s back before settling him under the covers. That explained the soreness in his back that morning. Well, probably a combination of that and drunken slouching, who knows. He paused in the middle of dismissing the holoscreen when he noticed Peter hesitate by his bedside before running his fingers tenderly through Tony’s hair, a pained expression on his face.

“I’m sorry, Tony,” he whispered.

His mouth dry, Tony ran his own fingers through his hair, pretending he could remember how it felt. For as much as Tony touched Peter, it was rare for Peter to do the same outside of hugs.

The touch combined with the intense care and attention focused on him made Tony’s head spin, just from watching it secondhand. It was almost enough to make him want to kick the drink again, just so he wouldn’t miss something like this again.

As he finally dismissed the holoscreen, he went to stand only to realize that he was hard. God, he was messed up. But honestly, was anyone even surprised at this point?

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So uh, yeah, since it’s been so damn long, I don’t even know if anyone is still interested or still in the fandom or what, but here are the people that requested to be tagged previously - let me know if you’d like to be tagged again!

Part 4

Taglist: @xarles56 @schaefchenherde

#starker #fic #tony stark x peter parker #tonyxpeter #pining #conflict #angst #sass #peter ain't putting up with your shit #aged up peter #almost fucking done #this part is boring #sorry #yadds writes

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dukeofriven · 5 years

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Re-Reading Good Omens After Fifteen-Plus Years: A Review

[I a so sorry I didn’t get a chance to finish it before the show dropped the way i wanted - I had to bow out of Tumblr for most of the last few weeks to focus on a project. Bugger bugger bugger. Here it is now, later that I would have liked. Apologies, gentle readers. Spoilers, obviously for the whole book] I last read Good Omens some fifteen to seventeen years ago for probably the tenth or even twentieth time. I read it a lot. In the heady days of... I want to say grade ten?... no book seemed smarter, wiser, made me laugh more, and me feel smarter for having read it. I think my order of operations was all the Discworld books (up to, or just before, Night Watch) -> Good Omens -> Sandman, with the later changing how I understood the nature of story itself (but that’s for another day.) I suspect that Good Omens, along with The West Wing, Tolkien, and The Golden Compass, along with an enormous Colonial Chip on my shoulder (and a pretentious stick up the ass) eventually led me to becoming a Classicist after a brief and dreadful dalliance with the theatre. At the very least it certainly helped. So, what do I know think of Good Omens, a book I once read at least ten times (probably more) back when I re-read favourite books the way other people breathed often? (i.e. with constant regularity) Well, it’s not bad. It is not a bad book. It’s just not a great book. It’s not a terribly… cohesive book. It reads exactly like the kind of book that might get written if you and a fellow writer swapped a floppy disc back and forth in the mail a bunch of times adding bits as you went. Which, of course, is exactly what it is. The things I remember about the book remain as good as I remember them being - which is a shame because all the really good bits I remember about the book are, with a few exceptions, in the first half (Death still incorrectly says Revelations instead of Revelation in the second half like I remember. He’s still wrong, and it’s still weird given that the right name is in the book earlier more than once.) Everything goes rapidly downhill the moment Armageddon actually kicks off... something of a problem in a book about Armageddon whose entire second half is Armageddon. I remember Aziraphale and Crowley being great together. What I didn’t remember is that they spend most of the book apart, a crime because they’re at their best bouncing off one-another and far weaker solo, especially Crowley who really only has Hastur to talk to and he’s not a great conversationalist. If I could ditch Crowley Drives Really Hard and swap it for A&C Do Shit Together I would. I remember Newt and Anathema becoming a couple. What I didn’t remember is that they are entirely superfluous to the narrative, as are the prophecies of Agnes Nutter herself. I kept trying to remember why it is that Newt and Anathema needed to be at the military base - turns out they don’t. Newt doesn’t even stop the countdown, that’s all Adam willing it otherwise. N&A then wander over to the main group and just kind of stand around. The only purpose of the prophecies is to give Aziraphale an idea of where Adam is. That’s it. This is extremely frustrating because Anathema talks about how working-out prophecies has allowed her family to triumph down the ages, and it sets Agnes up as someone who was executed for being a truth teller - for being an other - even though one day her prophecies would be so important for the world. But they're not! Their one tangible impact on the plot is to have Aziraphale make a phone call that he immediately hangs up. the prophecies only document the end of the world, they are irrelevent to the aversion of the End Times, which feels like one of several moments where the book Is Making A Point About Human Nature And Reader Expectations but is undone by my old friend lousy framing. Toy cannot position someone as having “they know not what they do” importance and then just not follow-through on that. There is, I think, a sense in the book that What It’s All About is quiet humanism: that the story isn’t really about Armageddon, but the smaller human stories that happened around it: Newt and Anathema falling in... love, I guess? Mindy Newt: Homer Anathema, What’s wrong? Homer Anathema: Like you don’t know! We’re going to have sex! Mindy Newt:: Oh … We don’t have to. Homer Anathema: Yes we do! The cookie Book told me so

Or Shadwell and Madame Tracey. And that’s great - that’s a great theme. But the book fails to pull it off - largely, I think because once Armageddon kicks off it loses the human dimension its trying to argue is important for keeping the planet grounded, not because its trying to make that point, but because the authors get so distracted by writing a bunch of crazy Armageddon stuff that the actual important work - like fleshing-out characters and their stories properly - goes away in the hurly-burly of Important Shit Going down.

Take Adam. Adam lacks any real sense of interiority and wears his heart on his sleeve, which makes the will-he, won’t-he nature of Armageddon on which the whole book rests have... well, zero weight. Will Adam give in to his more evil nature? No. Of course he won’t. It’s not even a case of “of course he won’t ‘cause I know how stories go don’t I ain’t I clever” - it’s that Adam has no evil nature. None at all. A bit of child-like self-absorption , but that’s it. The book climaxes with Aziraphale realizing that the AntiChrist won’t pick sides because he is neither entirely Good or Evil - he is Just A Human, and therefore kind of both. The book has done a great job showing that duality of humanity: Mr. young, for example, isn’t a bad man. Nor is he a good one. He’s an average man, with all sorts of awful little prejudices and thought patterns, but equally enough basic decency that nobody could call him a monster anymore than a saint. So often in the book people do Bad Things without being depraved lunatics - they just get caught up in the churning mediocrity of life, what Arendt dubbed the ‘banality of evil’ after the Eichmann trial. The telemarketers aren’t child killers, and they don’t deserve their (frankly sickening and brutal) deaths - but every day they hurt people in small, irritating, vexing ways, perpetuating some horrid not because they’re nightmares but because it’s just their job. Again, that’s great. That’s why the first part of the book is the strongest: it’s full of the kinds of humanity you don’t normally see in literature outside of the Golgafrinchan Ark Fleet Ship B. Desperately ordinary people - the real kind of ordinary, not the ordinary that tends to turn into anime heroes. But Adam isn’t ordinary. Not remotely. The book says this again and again, calling him a young Adonis, alluding to his unearthy Luciferian beauty, to his passions, to his commanding voice, to his leadership skills. His friends adore him, and for all that they might get argumentative with him the sheer god-like weight of his Presence cannot be ignored. So when Aziraphale explains:

"He was left alone! He grew up human! He's not Evil Incarnate or Good Incarnate, he's just… a human incarnate.”

My response is a rather limp “Um, well... no. No he’s not.”

“Aha!” I hear you cry. “The book’s not saying he’s ordinary, it’s saying he’s the embodiment of humanity: all their vices and virtues are amplified within him, and that’s why he has superhuman powers.” To which i reply that yeah, it’s certainly what the book is insisting in the case. But it’s not demonstrated within the text. I said above Adam lacks interiority: what you see is what you get. And what you get has zero amplification of evil. Adam seems like a genuinely good kid - in fact he is such a good kid that the book actually makes a point of commenting on how he is basically living in a parodic homage of a Boy’s Own Adventure novel. If Jack Trent, Frank Hardy, Tom Swift, and half the cast of Aladdin Paperbacks‘ first decade of publishing rolled up in a clown car and asked Adam if he wanted to hang, he’d fit right in. And they’re all painfully decent people. Adam status as a “troublemaker” - that is, even the vaguest implication that he is capable of “mischief” - is undermined by the book highlighting that the kind of people who complain about that sort of thing are Doddering Tory Blowhards like R. P. Taylor who wouldn’t know fun if it dressed like Margaret Thatcher and dry-humped their legs. For Adam to be the incarnation of humanity there has to be a sense that he is more human than human - that his capacity for good and his capacity for evil are so great that with him him the form of gestalt of pure humanity. But that’s rubbish. Because Adam does nothing the book seems to think is worthy of meaningful censure, or at least nothing that literally any child might do as well (like ruining his sisters dress while dunking her in the water). If the best the book can do to balance out Adam’s Local Boy Heroically Saves Summer Camp And Solves The Mystery Of The Puzzle Riddle Enigma is that well he’s kind of inward facing like every other 12 year old then, well... that really takes the wind out of the book’s big summating point. The same kind of language that gets used about Adam feel like you could copy past it into a Discworld book to describe Carrot Ironfoundersson.

So when, as happens. the book shows Adam coming Into his power and talk about Remaking The World, we don’t have to think he will and that all is lost - we know how to read stories, we’re not idiots. But we should at least have a passing moment of worry that he could had the circumstances been slightly different - that he, poised on the edge of good and evil, could go either way were it not for the redemptive power of his ordinary human upbringing keeping him ground. Which, I think is safe to say, is the conclusion the book puts forward. But there is no ‘could.’ Of course he won’t - there’s no tension there at all. The book kills it stone dead, in fact, when it notes that:

Seems to me it ought to be rolled up and started all over again," said Adam. That hadn't sounded like Adam's voice.

and

Adam wasn't listening, at least to any voices outside his own head.

Adam is described as basically being possessed - at the most critical point of Armageddon, when the AntiChrist is placed to make a choice not even between Good and Evil but between The Harbinger Theological Inevitability and Sod All That Let’s Just Keep Living Because I’m A Human it is no choice at all because Theological inevitable is distinctly described as being separate from who Adam is. Which is dreadful! Adam is American Dennis the Menace - he sometimes get Into Mischief and Breaks A Vase or Ruins A Garden but he’ll still hang out being a friend to a lonely old coot - when he ought to be much closer to the British Dennis the Menace - an monster of a child who spent most of his seventy years of existence essentially bullying gay kids (”softies”) but also, now and again, when the moon’s aligned, showed a Heart of Gold under his menacing exterior. Adam didn’t need to be BritDennis, but he damn well needed some kind of edge to him - a REAL edge, not ‘well he can be bossy’ or ‘he had devilment in his eyes’ or ‘he could be thoughtless.’ Adam needed to have scenes of him being a little shithead: not killing pets, but at least being spiteful or snide or capable of sin. In To Kill A Mockingbird Jem destroys Mrs. Dubose's flowers in a fit of pique. That’s something. Adam? Nothing. So there’s nothing to hang the tension on, and any time to book has any anxiety about Adam’s moral character it rings hollow, because Adam is fundamentally decent and good and nothing so much as feints at the idea that any part of him might be otherwise.

Plus, to bring it back to the prophecies being useless, Adam gets upset about the state of the world because he borrows some of Anathema’s Save The Wales magazines, which he would never have been able to do had the Book not made her go to Tadfield in the first place. Now the book has a certain “Butterfly Flaps Its Wings” mindset - sometimes it’s the little things that put big things and motion.

But it’s muddled, because it implies that Armageddon is nothing but a last-minute whim of a mercurial child: which is great for when the plot of your book is a deconstruction of the idea of Inevitability, but a bit rubbish when the OTHER major theme of your book is that human evil is in ordinary narrow-mindedness. The idea of a story where everything builds up to Armageddon - but Armageddon fails to arrive like an eschatological Godot, (leaving everyone standing around a bit puzzled) is a great theme for an ironic novel. But it clashes again and again with the theme of the book’s first half- that humanity is more creatively terrible and kindly virtuous than any devil and or angel could hope to be. The corollary of that ought to be that when Armageddon arrives it is precisely because of that human fallibility. Having all this build up and have it massively fizzle out can work, when written right - The Real Treasure Was The Friendships You Made is always funny when handled correctly. But Good omens builds up to things and drops them half a dozen times in the finale, which ends up not seemingly like comedic point but an inability by two authors to "bring the story home” and tie any of their threads together. I mean take the actual act of Armageddon itself: when Adam starts making the world go doo-lally, we keeping hearing reports of the world getting more agitated: we can see the shape of Armageddon begin to emerge, but because we’re still clever buggers and have read our Eliot we know that what’s likely to break the world isn’t going to be bang but a whimper: General John Amerioman gets off the phone agitated by a telemarketers, years at his secretary until she cries so she forgets to inform him that President McSmith called and because he didn’t call her back the President fails to get the advice she needs and makes a foolish error that pisses-over the Russian president who is then gets petty about something else and on down the line until a series of understandable but critical failures of empathy - don’t yell at your secretary, don’t cold-call people about duct cleaning - sets the table for the nuclear. That Adam stops it is because he shares that same fallibility and knows that punishing humanity for it as a requirement for Divine Inevitability would be unconscionable. But when Armageddon arrives, humanity has literal dick-all to do with it. We get this lovely buildup with the Four Horsemen the entire book - Revelation says they will be present at the Day of judgement so its time to get the band back together. The narrative of the book fixates of the Four Horseman’s ride to the airbase, with the understanding that once they arrive Armageddon will begin because everyone is congregating on that place at this time. So the Four Horseman arrive and... and the disguise themselves as some generals to get on the base, they break into a computer vault, and then... Jesus, War personally fucks with a computer and then Pollution personally corrodes the counter measure systems with Death and Famine stand around and watch (so much bloody standing around watching the plot happen in the part of the book) them do it, at which point all the nuke silos all over the world open up and countdown begins. What. THE FUCK? Humanity is irrelevant to the end of the world, exception in the broadest sense where they had these destructive weapons in the first place. But they also had extensive security systems that the book notes are really good until Two Supernatural Beings Broke In And Destroyed Them. There is no human element in Armageddon: all that chatter on the radio about rising tensions and increased stress? Meaningless. The book’s whole point about evil lurking in the hearts of every ordinary person - that really anyone is capable of being good or evil on a given day, and that one angry secretary is as capable of starting the end times because of a telemarketer as any raving dictator with their finger on the button? Irrelevant. As much as War and Pollution are said to be mere embodiments of humanity’s failings, existing solely in ‘THE MINDS OF MAN” (baffling in and of itself had Pestilence not been swapped-out for Pollution, because lets be honest that would have meant waving a hand at everything from the Black Death to AIDS and calling its source moral failing which what the fuck, T&N?), they’re all actually characters with agency and personality and will. Which means within the context of what’s happening Armageddon is caused by two characters going out of their way to FORCE it to happen.

(It’s! Shit! The book right here? Shit. All the keen oft-comedic insight as to the nature of the human condition is throw away in this moment. A book that seems so devoted to making a reader think seriously about complacency, about letting evil slip on by because its not wearing a big scary mask (and god how prescient that seems in times like these - how horrible correct it was that we were complacency in the 80s and the 90s and didn’t notice the evil rising all around us), drops the ball here and doesn’t require humanity for its climax.

"I don't see what's so triflic about creating people as people and then gettin' upset 'cos they act like people," said Adam severely. "Anyway, if you stopped tellin' people it's all sorted out after they're dead, they might try sorting it all out while they're alive.”

That’s a great sentiment, Adam. Only nobody is this moment is cross about people acting like people because nobody had - the world nearly ended because some Non-people willingly broke shit. Also, in the context of the novel - it being détente and glasnost and the Tear Down This Wall speech and Zhao Ziyang making reforms in China and on and on - as far as anyone could tell people WERE working it out. The book notes this explicitly, in fact:

“...reports available to us would seem to, uh, indicate an increase in international tensions that would have undoubtedly been viewed as impossible this time last week when, er, everyone seemed to be getting on so nicely.”

Again: Armageddon isn’t caused by people. So when Adam tells Heaven that if they just back off people might be able to sort things out for themselves, well... they seemed to have been doing just that, book.You yourself said so. And the end times were brought about by non-human actors.)

So Adam and his friends confront the Horseman and “defeat” them through some last minute cosplay. Why? No clue. The imagery is great but I don’t know why they do it - the Four Horseman are heralds of the end times, and perhaps its chorus, but now they’re villains that need to be defeated I guess (even though Adam fixes what they did with a wave of his hand anyway). Newt and Anathema arrive on the scene because Agnes Nutter told them to, and they get to the computer, and now maybe poor bumbling Newt is going to have to fix a computer when he’s only ever broken them while Anathema... stands there Jesus God... except... except Adam waves his hand and fixes the computer making Newt’s presence irrelevent. Well, still, more book to go, maybe they can pull something good out of this. Armageddon may have fizzled out, but it’s still The Day of Judgement and the Last Battle. Newt and Anathema might not have fixed the computer, but the are here at the airbase, and they make the most of it by doing nothing, providing nothing, and being needed for nothing. Shadwell and Madame Tracey are there - Shadwell is the vessel for Aziraphale, and once he’s out he stands at the sides with A&C and prepares to march with them on the combined hordes of hell and heaven. Except that that doesn’t matter because Adam makes a gesture and gives a nice speech that’s sadly unrelated to to the world as described by Good Omens up to this point, and the Hordes of Heaven and Hell shuffle their feet and decided to go home for a bit to have a good long think about some things ha ha ha how droll. And the Then, oh no, SUDDENLY Satan himself appears - I guess its time to take our issues to upper management, surely Godot- I mean God - will come to and - oh, nope, Adam waved his hand again and its just Mr. Young in his shitty car (that really should have been a Wasabi what the heck, T&N?). It’s anti-climatic. I don’t mean from a standpoint of dramatic irony, I mean everything falls apart in the book as the story comes to a screeching halt. Here you have a reasonable collection of painfully ordinary people (hella white and straight people, but its 1990 we’re not terribly woke yet) - not Generals, not Presidents or Prime Ministers, not Corporate Titans or Dictators or anyone “Important” - just ordinary people present at the End of the World. And what is it in the ineffable plan that requires all these people’s presence at the End Times? Nothing really. Just think about this for a moment. Think about what OUGHT to have happened here. Not a battle, not a fight, not a war - we know from Endgame how disappointing it is to have to sit through a big dumb set piece battle that nobody seems to want: boring slog. No, what OUGHT to have happened is the power of humanity: that these ordinary nobodies come together and halt the end times, make the Legions of Heaven & Hell see - if not reason - then at least reconsider what’s happening, or even confront Satan himself not with the virtue of Saints but simply because they have what made Aziraphale and Crowley fall in love with the Earth the way they did: the charm of humanity. If an angel and a demon can both be redeemed by the love of humanity’s virtues and vices, its deeps and faults, then why couldn’t Satan himself do the same? Well, because Adam fixed everything with a few hand waves and a pissy speech so that’s all that solved. nobody but him needed to be there - not even A&C, who just end up commenting on the action while standing around like everyone else. It’s barmy. No wonder my brain erased it, choosing to remember the book at its best when it was still scaled to humanity. The book ends up having failed to make any of its points stick - the ordinary evil men do has nothing to do with Armageddon so its probably not something we should be terrible concern about - that just us loveable old humans doing as humans do. We learn that if Heaven and hell just stepped back and let people talk things out maybe the world would get better - but that was the case at the start of the book (prologue notwithstanding), and nothing that happened in the book adjusted that in any way.It has a point to make about the unfairness of Moral duality in Theology - except that Adam is parodically virtuous and contains no real evil so.. yeah, Good is great, actually, what was the point you were making, book? The book has a point to make about the value of ordinary people: if you need someone to stand around and observe shit get ordinary people, they’re great last standing around and not meaningfully doing anything.

And don’t even get me started on things like Anathema’s passivity. Look at her character: she passively lives her life by the prophecies until the day after the End Times Newt says ‘hey do you want to be a descendent for the rest of your life’ and Anathema has an epiphany - Oh, No, I Don’t, I Want to Live my Own life On Its Own Terms - and then they burn the sequel Agatha wrote instead of following it. But that’s… aaargh, Jesus, so many problems with that. The moment of epiphany is meaningless because if Agnes-The-Prophet (who would presumably have known that her manuscript was to be burnt) hadn’t sent it, Anathema was free anyways and would have had to live her life as such regardless. You could argue ‘but this way it becomes an active choice rather than a passive acquiescence to something she can’t change’ but the problem is that her decision isn’t rooted in anything except a comment Newt makes. Nothing happened to Anathema that has in any way affected her relationship to Agnes Nutter or her life as a decedent: in the book Anathema talks a lot about prophecies, lends a kid some magazine, boinks a guy who crashed his car, takes him to a military base, does nothing while watching the world end, goes home and boinks the guy again, and then has her memories of a large portion of the last day or so erased by the Anti-Christ. So when Newt asks ‘do you want to be a professional decedent all your life” why would she say “no”? She’s spent her life devoted to the prophecies, even become a watch as some kind of career, and what sense do we have in the story that she is dissatisfied with that? The only disappointment we get is that she’s kind of let down by Newt being not terribly handsome - but that’s Newt’s issue, not Agnes’. The book wants Anathema to realize that she is now ‘free” of living by prophecy - but she doesn’t ever give the sense that she feels imprisoned by prophecy. She seems to feel like its a mark of distinction, and nothing over the last day - even the shit she can’t remember - has done anything to change that. There’s a version of this story where Anathema repeatedly demonstrates that she feels powerless in life: that all her choices were chosen for her, even something as outré as becoming a witch, and so when Newt asks her that question she looks back over the events of the last few days - or even her life - and makes the decision to say ‘no’ as a natural extension of her recent experiences. In this version of the book she and Newt would have to have actively made choices at the airbase of their own free will in contradiction of what Agnes said MUST and WILL happen, and because they did that things are better than Agnes said they would be.

But that doesn’t happen, and instead we get the version where Anathema burns the sequel because Newt’s in her life now and having a man to point out the obvious is what all women need. That’s not what the book is trying to say but this-time-round that’s how it read to me. If Newt had had to run up to London for a couple days and she got the manuscript in the mail she would have kept it, because why wouldn’t she?

(Gosh, Newt. One last point: I hated Newt. Maybe ‘schlubbly ordinary dope who gets the girl’ was revolutionary in 1990 but thirty years of pathetic nerd heroes getting the girl have left me only able to focus on the pathetic. He gets to be the the Jen to Anathema’s Kira - a completely useless dolt who gets lead around by a capable woman who knows everything and has all the skills but he still gets to be The Hero because, well, he’s the dude. He gets to bumble around the missile computers at the climax at the book, framed as a hero while Agetha stands there and pleads with him to fix things. He spends his time getting horny for Anathema and thinking sadboy ‘maybe I’ll get to touch a girl for once’ crap - which made my skin crawl oh sweet Jesus. Basically just fuck that guy and his whiny Pitiful Loser Nerd attitude.)

Look, when the book is good, it is SO GOOD. “Shadwell hated all Southerners and, by inference, was standing at the North Pole” is one of the great lines of literature. Famine and the dieting meals that kill you? Genius. The individual prophecies of Agnes? Wonderful. Shadwell seeing her in a vision (which, alas, comes to nothing because Shadwell having a change of heart about witches comes to nothing really)? Poignant. The Hell’s Angels? Wonderous. The incredible, perfect, oh god I adore is so much defence of the virtues of Rural English life at its best - full of foibles, yes, painfully human, yes, liable to contain shitty old Tories who put people into power who’ll plow it all under for suburbs, yes - but yet, at the same time, wonderful, too. Worth preserving. Worth fighting for. yes yes a thousand times yes let’s seeing a song about it:

youtube

Sure, some of the stuff hasn’t aged well (there’s a bit abut First Nations people that comes to mind), but most of it has - and some of it as bold for its time as it remains now. I frequently found myself thinking “this book is much too complicated for Tumblr” - the Tumblr world of Good or Bad doesn’t really have room for Shadwell, the indiscriminate racist with the heart of gold. Parts like that had me shaking with laughter - I can still recite whole scenes to you with manic glee. But the ending is a mess. It’s bad, actually - just outright bad. The book starts great. It ends terribly. It’s a crushing disappointment to go back too - and when I heard the story on the show was going to be super-faithful to the books I went “shit - but the book’s a bit rubbish on the story front. All the good bits are the characters interacting and the side stories and comedic asides - the actual story is a confusing mess.” That’s why I hope Neil Gaiman brought the writing chops that gave us The Doctor Wife and not, y’know, Nightmare in Silver.

In conclusion: man I remember Good Omens being a whole lot better. (Also, I remember more of Adam’s Gang having more to do, and they didn’t, and they’re all great and that’s a shame.)

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theaveragekenyan · 4 years

Text

Hungry Heart...

Hungry Heart.

A quick game of ‘Family Fortunes’. (Family Fortunes the game show where the answers were requested from a publicly polled question, i.e)

Q = Name a type of American Food.

A = Hamburger ....our survey says, Hamburger ✅ Top answer.

Next;

Q - Name a type of Italian Food.

A = Pizza …our survey says, Pizza ✅ Top Answer

Next;

Q - Name a type of Kenyan food.

A = Ugali…our survey says, Ugali ✅ Top Answer.

I’m confident the above responses would be the most popular answers to those questions if a survey were taken on the streets of Nairobi today.

Ask Donald Trump, what’s better than a Hamburger? Juicy, succulent ground beef with tomatoes, lettuce, cheese, pickle, mustard, ketchup all held together by an air pumped bread bun…nothing fake at all about that.

Or what about a Pizza? oven fired circular dough, topped with an infinite amount of cheese options under any mix of vegetables and meat varieties…a billion deliveries every year can’t be wrong.

And let’s not forget a Kenyan staple, Ugali, ground maize meal, mixed with boiling water and then formed into a solid white ball. Delicious, well, ok…it’s not really delicious…it’s more a way of life and enjoyed because there’s very little other choice.

Kenyan Food is interesting, because historically, food has developed into…well…food.

The food theory hasn’t moved too far away from the ‘don’t eat, die’ philosophy rather than into fancy cuisine.

This is why I find the average Kenyan meal to be “BnB”, basic and bland, and Ugali has to stand right up there as a great example of BnB food.

Ugali has various names across Africa and is eaten by many, so African’s aside, It is a guarantee that all foreigner’s will be quizzed by Kenyan’s to find out if they have eaten Ugali. If the answer is yes, the next question will be ‘do you like Ugali?’

And this is when the foreigner will become increasingly awkward, stutter and generally skirt around the BnB fact. The foreigner will mince out cloaked enthusiasm and say “Yes…I’ve tried it…it’s nice…I…..like it” blatantly, the foreigner doesn’t want to get anywhere near describing it’s taste or what it’s eaten with. Essentially anything to not offend the Kenyan national dish.

Then, in the not too distant future, the foreigner will be with the person, that asked all of the Ugali questions, when Lunch is served.

Naturally, the foreigner will be bumped up to pole position in the queue for food.

The food will be covered, all the lids down on the large metallic serving trays and then one by one up they pop. First serving tray open and it’s a large fresh tray of steaming Ugali.

As the cellophane is proudly pealed away, “Ugali” announces the Kenyan “You said Ugali is nice”

Now the food server hears this and loves it, how they laugh as the heavy serving spoon sinks into the epic Ugali field. The foreigner is now looking at the true scale of Ugali, out comes a Rugby ball sized portion and is placed on their plate “is that enough?” the server asks without irony.

“Yes, plenty, Asantee” squirms the foreigner politely. On piles the rest of lunch, but there’s not much room on the plate for anything else. So the foreigner sits down at a table, with their plate of Ugali and other small scale assorted bitings, as the Kenyan’s join.

They all ask the same question “Oh, you like Ugali?” “Yes, I do, but this is a little bit too much for me” replies the foreigner, only to be met with “Oh that’s not much really” from the Kenyan’s, the foreigner looks around and realises this is no lie, food is stacked up on top of Ugali which rises up to peoples chests, steam touching their chins. The foreigner takes the first enthusiastic fork full to barrels of laughter

“Eat it with your hands” say the Kenyans,

“We eat Ugali with our hands” the advice continues to come in.

The foreigner now has to quickly scan around to check how that’s done, they see many shovelling hands with golf ball sized portions of Ugali, scooping up sauce and trapping bits of meat and spinach. The foreigner gives it a go, but soon realise they’ve broken off too much Ugali and now their ball is the size of a Tennis ball. Oh dear, now they’ve got to eat up more Ugali than they thought they ever could. Each bite feels like it’s draining brain juice as their mouth dries to resemble the Sahara desert. There’s easily still 4 more bites of the Ugali ball to go. It’s time for evasive action, “hmmmm tha wath delithuth” splutters the foreigner as they stand up, turn around and spit their mouths content onto their plate and scrape it into the bin, I’ll never eat Ugali again they tell themselves.

I think the closest comparison to Ugali would be Mashed Potatoes, well mashed potatoes if you don’t add salt, pepper, butter and milk. At least with mashed spuds, the extra additions don’t stop there; cheese, beetroot, butternut, Brussels, balsamic vinegar, mustard, soy sauce, chilli sauce all work to break up the classic spud recipe’s monotony. Nothing like that with Ugali, oh hang on…it can be made either white or brown…the only difference being, brown Ugali soaks up your blood.

Speaking of Mashed Potato, there is a fancy mash version here called Mukimo, it’s very nice. It’s bright green and has whole kernels of hard maize in it. I prefer it to Ugali, but it’s definitely one to serve yourself and not have a Kenyan do it for you.

For the the larger part of Kenya, food is readily available, but with the poverty found in such places as the Nairobi slums, food has to be simple and within a ridiculously low daily budget, people don’t have too much of a choice to be flambéing duck or questioning how many times their chips have been deep fried.

From my travels, I’ve noticed that many Kenyan meals will have been cooked for a good proportion of the day. Usually a slow cook involves beans and pulses, incredibly healthy, wholesome and organic, but also served incredibly dull. It’s essentially a bean stew with little flavour or signature kick. It’s like a can of ‘no frills vegetable soup’ that’s been boiled for 5 hours. It has a certain appeal, but it’s nothing special, yet to talk to a Kenyan about boiled beans or “Githeri” as it’s called, is, as if, it is some kind of speciality cuisine. Each region seems to have it’s own version, but the variety doesn’t seem to change that much, maybe one region adds carrots or potatoes and that’s about it. I guarantee, if that dish had originated in one of the poorest regions of China, it would be a real delicacy now. Sure you’d get the odd bat claw stuck between your teeth, but nonetheless, I imagine it would be an overall tastier experience than “Githeri”. Thanks Chef’s of Kenya, but I’ll stick with the English delicacy of baked beans on toast, cupboard to table in less than 10 minutes.

That slow cooking style reverberates through many culinary styles. In fact, most food is slow cooked, this is why the over 70’s love eating here. Pasta is never al-dente, cabbage doesn’t come with a crunch, meat is a lottery as to how how much jaw action will be needed and eggs are always over cooked. Unless you’re in a Western priced Hotel or restaurant, food is never considered to be served ‘just cooked’, I’m yet to find a boiled salad, but I know it’s out there. Note to self, Boiled Salad, somebody get me Heston Blumenthal.

The word Koroga means 'to stir’ in Swahili. A ‘foody’ experience, that is often talked about, is the Koroga. This is apparently a uniquely Kenyan Swahili experience. However, from my experience, what I was told about a Koroga and what I actually encountered at a Koroga were two completely different experiences.

This is what I was told about a Koroga.

A Koroga is a get together of family and friends who will start the event off by selecting meats, vegetables, herbs and spices and then start adding them all into a large pot. These ingredients will be cooked by the party as as the pot is regularly stirred by the party, whilst allowing everything to cook for about 4-5 hours.

A Curry based BBQ, I mean that sounds like a proper great time.

No, not quite, in fact from my experience, this is what actually happens.

A Koroga is a get together of family and friends who, once everyone has arrived and is indicated to start will instruct a Chef to add meat, vegetables, herbs and spices into a large pan and then cook everything for the guests, this will be then served 3-4 hours later when the most stirred things are the guests who are totally shit-faced from all the boozing whilst waiting for the food to be cooked. I just think the Koroga idea hasn’t really been properly thought out. It’s closest relative the BBQ or Braai work extremely well, but its USP is about DIY food and standing around the grill complaining. The Koroga’s USP is that the Chef decided to cook everything outside rather than in the kitchen, sorry, I just don’t get the appeal.

One dish that is cooked quickly, at least I think it’s cooked quickly, is Nyama Choma.

Translated literally - Nyama is meat - Choma is burn. A Meat Burn.

“I’ve heard it’s going to be lovely on Saturday, so you’re all invited around to ours for a Meat Burn”

Fortunately, the meat isn’t burnt, not like at UK BBQ’s,

The choices of meat are;

Mbuzi = Goat.

Kuku = Chicken.

Nyama = any other type of Red Meat that is from a Cow.

Sorry Lamb and Pork, this scene is not for you, go find your own Meat Burn.

Just like any badly managed BBQ/Braai, the final cook quality is hit and miss, the hits involve nice juicy tender bites of meat and sucked out marrowbone. The misses include, chewy, sinewy, fatty meat if you can find it, and once again the experience lacks imagination. The only seasoning you will get is salt and there will only be one accompaniment to the meat which is called Kachumbari, a mix of tomato, onion and chilli.

So Kenyan Meat Burn’s are for the real purists only. I do love Nyama Choma though, if not just for it’s back to basic 10,000 BC appeal.

One experience I never tire of, is a Kenyan breakfast in a Hotel. The breakfast routine follows the International standard of the best planned meal of the day. It starts at the Juice bar and ends up at the bloated Pig table. There’s always a great choice at a Kenyan breakfast, although many will be disappointed at the lack of bacon on offer, that’s because Kenyan’s prefer sausages to Bacon hands down.

I like that many of the previous nights dinner offerings will be now re-served for breakfast. So there are always surprises to be had like Green Banana Curry, Githeri, Fish stew, Roast Potatoes, Lentil Stew and anything else that didn’t get eaten the night before.

Hands down, my favourite experience of a Kenyan breakfast is observing the Egg Chef. You’ll know it’s the Egg Chef because they will be dressed like the top google image search for Chef.

The egg is treated with the most respect, kept separately and away from all the other dishes that are hidden underneath aluminium lids. The Eggs will never come into contact with the mixed up serving spoons covered in bean juice and banana curry, they are not good enough for the eggs. But wait, what’s this, what’s hiding underneath here?, oh it’s the Hard Boiled Eggs, the common, dirty poor bastard parent of the free and easy, liberated, naked eggs that the Egg Chef will caress and massage into a beautiful work of art.

The Egg chef will be situated at the start of the line, but when you want him, he won’t be there. I say he, the Egg Chef is always a he, no Woman in Kenya is considered prestigious enough to do this job. The Egg Chef and Kenyan President are two Jobs women will never perform.

So what tends to happen is this, in the absence of the Egg Chef people will pile up their plates first. Then the Egg Chef appears exactly when he wants, just like the true artist he is, only then will the egg orders be taken.

Now the only cooking utensils the Egg Chef possesses are a frying pan and a spatula. So this limits the type of egg available to either a Fried Egg or an Omelette. I always like to joke I’ll take a poached Egg, but it’s short-lived because nobody understands what I’m saying. Don’t be getting technical with the Egg Chef, his position of authority is untouchable.

Fried Eggs will be cooked in either two choices, “cooked” or “sunny side up”. The majority of times I’ve requested Sunny Side Up, the eggs have been served closer to raw, which is a little too avant-garde for me. So, they have to be sent back which will be re-served ‘cooked’.

My advice, request cooked.

If you’re asking for an omelette it will be either served “with everything” or “without everything”. “Without everything” is a plain egg omelette “With everything” is an Omelette mixed with finely chopped onion, capsicum and chilli pepper. Both Omelette varieties are good, but as previously mentioned, they will be “cooked”, i.e a properly cooked through, no nonsense, fuss free, nothing moving, Omelette. That said, they go down well and the pomp and circumstance of the occasion overrides any need for a fancy, modern, runny consistency.

I’ve spoken to many people that blame the style of Kenyan food on Colonisation.

Typical, blame the Brits for bequeathing a bland stereotypical diet.

This is not true, because anyone that says they don’t like British Cuisine then goes onto say, except they like Pork Pie, Mr Kipling Cakes, Sausage Rolls, Full English Breakfast, Chicken Tikka Masala, Black Pudding, Sausage and Mash, Fish and Chips, Mushy Peas, Deep Fried Mars Bar, Jammie Dodgers, Sunday Roast, The Tasting Menu at The Fat Duck, Gordon Ramsey swearing, Monster Munch, Jellied Eels and Roast Badger.

There, conclusive evidence that England has a varied and incredibly well established culinary tradition of original and modern food.

So whilst there is an excellent and extensive varied selection of Kenyan restaurants, serving truly excellent food, once you step outside of all that and roam into the realms of “lazy” Kenyan food, you will be craving Pickled Onion Monster Munch all day long.

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easyfoodnetwork · 4 years

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Welcome to the Culinary Barter Economy

Photo-illustration: Eater

COVID-19 has led to a growing number of people trading food like sourdough starter and flour with their friends and neighbors

Until about a month ago, Ari Koontz had never traded food with their neighbors in Providence, Rhode Island. But when Koontz decided to leave part of an extra-large batch of chocolate chip cookies on their neighbors’ doorsteps, they received cornbread and other cookies in return. “It was so wonderful to experience this kind of full-hearted reciprocity,” Koontz says — so much so that they began looking for more opportunities to trade. Soon, Koontz was running all over the neighborhood, swapping baguettes, sourdough starters, and pepper seeds for oranges, herbs, and dried beans.

At my own house, in Seattle, a recent Costco impulse purchase of a two-pound bag of active dry yeast quickly became worth its weight in gold. While I happily gave it to anyone who needed some, friends and neighbors kept asking if there was anything they could give me in return. I accepted leeks from a garden, homemade granola, and malt powder for making bagels.

Meanwhile, on Twitter, the television writer Jess Dweck joked that “2020 sounded like the most futuristic year and now we’re all like ‘I traded my neighbor a handkerchief for some carrots.’” More than 70,000 people liked the tweet — most likely because more than a few of them had been busy trading cloth masks for baking powder or bread for milk.

As people have tried to cut down on grocery store trips (and their associated anxieties) since the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic, trading with neighbors has become an easy, low- or no-contact way to acquire that one missing ingredient for a recipe, find suddenly elusive supplies like yeast, or share brownies that can no longer be brought to an office. And so the informal bartering and trading of ingredients and food has mushroomed, with people using social media networks like NextDoor, Twitter, and Buy Nothing to ask for that pinch of cinnamon or give away extra lemons. “Yeast is selling for like $30-$70 online — does anyone want to trade us yeast,” wrote Twitter user Tori Hinn, who prefaced the request with, “[A sentence I would have never typed one year ago].” In public Facebook groups, posts using the terms “barter” and “trade” during March and April increased more than 250 percent over the same time period last year.

“Barter already appeals to millennials and Gen Z,” says Julie Smith, a principal at the consulting company Point B. These generations, which make up about half the U.S. population, share dresses through companies like Rent the Runway and Armoire, swap baby clothing on Buy Nothing, and purchase resale or upcycled goods on Etsy. This predilection for sharing and reusing, combined with easy access to large groups of neighbors via social media, meant that bartering was already part of life for many in the U.S., and thus poised to catch fire long before the pandemic lit the fuse.

But the instinct to trade during hard times follows a deeply entrenched pattern of human behavior that reasserts itself whenever a country endures a large-scale change to its fortunes. “Uncertainty leads people to conserve cash,” explains David Ortega, a food economist at Michigan State University, citing such examples as hyperinflation in Zimbabwe and Venezuela.

Bartering has provided a way for people to get closer to one another even during a time of required social distancing.

While Ortega isn’t surprised that informal trading has grown in popularity during the COVID-19 pandemic, he’s quick to point out that the pandemic is of a very different nature and scale than these other crises — and that its particular circumstances have created anxieties around food, not cash. “We are not running out of food,” he says, but the switch from eating at work, school, and restaurants to eating at home has led to shortages of certain items. “It’s not as easy as shifting delivery trucks from restaurants to a grocery store in a very short time frame,” Ortega explains. That, along with the tendency of many nervous shoppers to buy in large quantities, and supply chain disruptions related to sick workers, has created what are called stock outs. As a result, some people end up with plenty of flour or yeast, but miss other supplies that their neighbors have.

Still, Ortega says that the gaps in the food supply chain aren’t the only explanation for why we barter. By sharing access to food, he explains, people feel they can connect with a friend or neighbor. “You go to the store, then call a friend and say, ‘Hey, I found eggs, do you need any?’” Bartering, in other words, has provided a way for people to get closer to one another even during a time of required social distancing.

This kind of connection has resonated with Koontz, who was laid off from their job because of the pandemic. Trading has become “not just an act of kindness,” they say, but also — despite Koontz’s own lack of financial resources — “a way to feel like I was supporting my community.” For these reasons, they hope that the bartering trend is here for the long run. “Not just for me personally,” they say, “but [I hope that] our wider communities will continue exploring creative and non-capitalist ways to support one another in times of need.”

While Twitter users may joke about the novelty of bartering (insert Little House on the Prairie punchline here), the practice is hardly new to many communities. Rebecca Adamson, an Indigenous economist and the founder and president of First Peoples Worldwide, a global nonprofit organization, notes that against the backdrop of the pandemic, “we can see the Western economy taking on the lessons or values of an Indigenous economy.” In the former, wealth is often synonymous with money, while the goal of the latter is for everyone in the community to survive and thrive.

Indigenous economies accomplish this through collaboration and cooperation, valuing “the collective efficacy of community,” Adamson says — “much like what we are seeing in the public response to COVID- 19.” While she laments the lack of traditional exchange networks in the market economy, she sees elements of them reflected in the efforts of many people to create barter and trade networks to provide child care, hair styling, garden and farm produce, gourmet foods, carpentry, entertainment, and more. “By mitigating the influence of cash in a community,” Adamson says, “the value of social benefits can be maximized.”

But bartering is generally a short-term fix in times of economic turmoil, Ortega says: When things get even worse, people turn to more extreme solutions, such as parallel currencies, which allow for more flexibility than direct trading. That said, he doesn’t think this new uptick will vanish anytime soon. And so he has a few words of wisdom for anyone interested in participating in the informal culinary barter economy. There’s a reason that “most people begin by trading with the people they know,” Ortega says: They trust that they’re not getting old yeast or spoiled milk. For that reason, he recommends that aspiring barterers also stick with people they know and trust. “Now,” he says, “is not the time to be paying a visit to the ER for a foodborne illness.”

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Photo-illustration: Eater

COVID-19 has led to a growing number of people trading food like sourdough starter and flour with their friends and neighbors

Bartering has provided a way for people to get closer to one another even during a time of required social distancing.

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michellelinkous · 5 years

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My Remarkable Colon Cleanse Experience: a 7 Day Journal

Global Healing Senior Editor Wendee Nicole decided to do the Complete Body Cleanse Program™ — a comprehensive program to detoxify and improve health that will take three to four months to complete — and it starts with a 6-day Colon Cleanse. Not everything eaten on Wendee’s cleanse experience is approved or endorsed by Dr. Group, but this was her experience trying to follow the recommended diet and protocol as closely as possible.

Wendee’s Story

I have a milestone birthday coming up in July, and I want to get in great shape by then. I’m not getting any younger, and I want to lose some weight — my main goal — but also to get healthier overall, including reducing the risk of health ailments in later years by removing toxins from my body. Every time I do a cleanse, it resets my digestion and I feel better. It also gives me an opportunity to set my health intentions anew and even takes on a spiritual element, for me.

Global Healing’s Colon Cleanse Program™ recommends avoiding soy, gluten, red meat (and all meat), high fructose corn syrup, artificial sweeteners, refined sugar, processed foods, canned foods, alcohol, and excess coffee or caffeine, among other things. Instead, I’ll eat a variety of fruits (this includes avocados and tomatoes, which are fruits!).

Every day during the six-day cleanse, I will take Oxy-Powder® and Latero-Flora™ — a single-strain probiotic (Brevibacillus laterosporus). Latero-Flora is a transient probiotic, which means it does not set up shop in your body like other probiotics do, but passes through. However, on the way, it targets harmful organisms that live in the colon, like yeasts.

I know that prevention is the key! Dr. Group says that health begins in the colon — the large intestine — and that’s because we can accumulate years of gunk in there, including toxins and unhealthy microbes. Colon health is the start of good health!

For complete protocol details, check out our article, How To Perform a Colon Cleanse: The Complete Guide.

Below, I detail the supplements I took, how much water I drank, and all the foods I ate — as well as my overall daily experiences.

Friday — Day 1

Supplements

2 Latero-Flora + 6 Oxy-Powder

Water (with lemon)

80 ounces

Breakfast

1 cup blueberries & raspberries

1 cup ginger-mango tea

Few sips mango kombucha

1 cup watermelon chunks

Lunch

1 avocado with sea salt

1 banana

Cold-pressed mixed vegetable-fruit juice

Snack

½ bag crunchy mango bites

1 cup mint-chamomile herbal tea

Dinner

6 jicama tacos (jicama wraps with cucumber and carrots)

4 oz. homemade guacamole

4 mini tomatoes

1 cup watermelon

Activity

100 crunches + plank

Woke up excited about the cleanse! Dr. Group's standard daily recommendation is drinking half your body weight in water daily, but on a cleanse, more is better. I’m drinking from a 20-ounce reusable bottle so I can track how much I drink.

I decided to drink room temperature water because it’s easier to drink more, faster. I’m drinking way more than I normally do. To my third bottle of water, I added a capful of organic raw apple cider vinegar.

I went out with a friend for lunch, but I brought my own food there. I had carrots, avocado, and juice and it really filled me up.

It’s 4 p.m., time to head home! I noticed that on my drive home, I was a bit sleepy. Around 5 p.m. once home, I got a headache. I didn't take any meds, but instead took a hot bath and inhaled some lavender essential oil.

Headaches and other mild discomforts are a natural part of most cleanses, and are part of what’s called the "healing crisis." When your body purges toxins, it can naturally lead to such symptoms.

I am keeping a commitment to exercise in some capacity every single day during the Complete Body Cleanse, which, of course, includes this Colon Cleanse. I really wasn’t feeling it today with the headache, but I did 100 crunches and a 60-second plank. Exercise and moving your body keep the toxins moving out of your body, so it’s helpful.

Every evening of the Colon Cleanse, I take six capsules of Oxy-Powder, an oxygenated colon cleanser that really gets things moving. Oxy-Powder is the best colon cleansing product that I’ve ever used. You take it at night and it works gently and very effectively. The next day, there’s no cramping — just simple, easy elimination. I like that I can check off the supplements I take in the instruction booklet.

Saturday — Day 2

Supplements

2 Latero-Flora + 6 Oxy-Powder

Water

60 ounces

Breakfast

1 cup rooibos tea

1 banana

3 dried apricots

1 unsweetened applesauce cup topped with cinnamon

Lunch

5 jicama tacos

4 oz. homemade guacamole

Snack

2 cups cold-pressed orange-pineapple-mango juice

½ cup blackberries/blueberries

Few sips mango kombucha

½ cup chopped Medjool dates in coconut flour

Dinner

6 jicama tacos

4 oz. guacamole

Activity

House cleaning + raking

Rode bike a couple of miles

My healing crisis symptoms continued on day two. It’s good that I started my cleanse on a Friday so that I could relax at home and take it easy. From past experiences, I find that the healing crisis symptoms occur in the first two or three days of a cleanse. I take comfort knowing it will go away soon, and I am doing this for my health!

After some morning tea, I started some house cleaning. I guess I felt like “cleansing” my house as well. Cleansing the body often brings psychological and emotional responses.

Later, my daughter and I started riding our bikes on the greenbelts in our neighborhood, then spontaneously decided to go to a coffee shop, which was not too far. I got a juice while there.

Back home, I took a hot bath with scented Epsom salts — a great part of any bedtime routine. Epsom salt contains magnesium sulfate, which comforts sore muscles and joints. Supportive therapies are encouraged during cleanses and you can turn your bath into a healing hot spring by adding Epsom salts, Bentonite clay, and other health-inducing ingredients. Other therapies that help a cleanse include massage, acupuncture, and saunas.

I am not taking any other supplements during this cleanse — which is what Global Healing recommends. That allows your body to devote its energy to breaking down toxins rather than processing the additional nutrients in supplements. While vitamins, minerals, and other supplements are healthful, it takes energy for the liver and kidneys to break down each and every item consumed. The simpler your diet is during a cleanse, the better the result.

Once in bed, I felt very cold and even started shivering. That was weird because, although it’s a bit cold outside, I keep my house warm. I felt so cold that I dried my hair and then used a heating pad to warm up. I am sure it’s part of the healing crisis. My body is ridding itself of toxins.

Sunday — Day 3

Supplements

2 Latero-Flora + 4 Oxy-Powder

Water

68 ounces

Breakfast

⅓ cup dried Medjool dates in coconut flour

1 cup peach passion tea

1 banana

1 dried apricot

Lunch

½ cup blueberries

1 cup peppermint tea

1 handful of dry roasted macadamia nuts

6 plantain chips

2 tablespoons pine nuts

Dinner

5 jicama tacos

4 oz. guacamole

4 mini-tomatoes

Activity

Stretching

100 crunches

Tae Bo

It’s day three and I have a lot of energy and feel great. I started my day with some stretching and situps and later, at a movie with my daughter, I swapped my normal popcorn-munching habit with snacks from home: chopped dates and blueberries, plus sparkling water. Yay for small victories!

I’m weighing myself every day on this new scale I have that tells body fat, muscle mass, and more, but suffice it to say that I am not at my ideal weight and hope the colon cleanse will help!

As you get older, metabolism slows down, and that is just a natural part of life, but I am trying to increase my muscle mass and strength through exercise of various types, from yoga to running. I know that moving your body is an important part of cleansing because — along with water — it gets things moving and flowing, enabling the toxins to purge from the body.

But so far, as of day 3, I am not losing weight. But again, weight loss is not the main focus of a colon cleanse. It can happen, but often that comes when you have a lot of accumulated, compacted fecal matter in your colon. I’ve done several cleanses, so don’t expect to have much in the way of compacted waste. Since I’ve done many cleanses before, I think my colon is pretty clean overall!

When I got home, I did 40 minutes of Tae Bo. I used to do these years ago — I love Billy Blanks’ energy and I feel like I get an excellent all-over workout.

I only took four Oxy-Powder because I know that four "keeps me going" without being too much.

Monday — Day 4

Supplements

2 Latero-Flora + 4 Oxy-Powder

Water

88 ounces

Breakfast

1 cup rooibos tea

Few sips coconut water

1 banana

1 pear

1 dried banana

½ cup blueberries

⅓ cup green grapes

Snacks

½ bag organic crunchy mango bites

1 banana

Lunch

1 cup carrot sticks

4 oz. spicy guacamole

Dinner

15 plantain chips with ½ avocado

Few sips Mango Tango juice smoothie

Activity

Situps (60)

It was my first day back at work, so I came prepared! I didn’t want to end up hungry and make poor food choices by being tempted by that. I brought the following: a banana, apple, pear, grapefruit, avocado, grapes, blueberries, lemon (to squeeze in my water), dried dates & coconut, dried banana, and a bag of carrots… I laid all the fruits out on my desk, and I found it humorous and it kept my mood high in the morning!

I’m finding it so much easier to drink water at work than at home. Weird. I’m going to the bathroom a lot, are people noticing? I added lemon to all my water today and apple cider vinegar (ACV) to my last 20 ounces.

I went to an Indian place for lunch with two friends. They are doing the colon cleanse also, but not the all-fruit option. I had one small bite of both of their vegan dishes — it was so delish! A bite or two of something else won’t blow the whole program. But my main meal was carrots and guacamole that I brought with me.

Back at the office, my stomach was very gurgly, and I was gassy (unusual for me, even on a cleanse). I wonder if it was the bite of Indian food since I hadn’t had this in the previous days.

I talked to Luis, who said that’s normal because Oxy-Powder releases oxygen in the gut and that feeling means it is working away at the gunk in the colon. The oxygen “eats” away at compacted waste in the colon, which is a key part of the colon cleanse. Knowing the benefits helps offsets any difficulties.

I didn’t end up eating all the fruits I brought to work but I did eat some and left some for tomorrow. I'm not eating all that much, but I wasn’t hungry at all during the day. Or when I felt hunger, that is, I ate some fruit and felt fine.

In the evening, I ate a few plantain chips and felt a little guilty because they are not fruit per se. But they aren't too bad because they’re really just bananas; the only thing they’re introducing that I hadn’t been eating is oil.

Tuesday — Day 5

Supplements

2 Latero-Flora + 4 Oxy-Powder

Water

104 ounces

Breakfast

1.5 cups mango juice smoothie

1 cup rooibos tea

1 dried banana

1 banana

1 Gala apple

1 cup coconut water

Lunch

1 cup raw kale salad

⅓ cup quinoa salad

2 red potatoes in oil

½ cup corn-arugula salad

½ bottle turmeric golden milk

¼ bottle sparkling prebiotic tonic — ginger/turmeric/lemon

Snacks

6 organic carrot sticks, dried

⅓ bag dried crunchy mango bites

Dinner

½ avocado w/Himalayan pink salt

Activity

Ran for 40 min

Lunges & calf raises

Happy to nearing the end of the colon cleanse and proud of myself for beginning this health journey.

I'm finding it to be harder than I thought to eat only fruit! I had a few salad items at lunch that were not all fruit, but still, I ate no meat, dairy, eggs, sugar, or gluten, and no processed foods. I’m noticing a connection I have to emotional eating. If I’m stressed or down in any way, I crave comfort foods.

Noticing these patterns is just one positive aspect of a cleanse — they become much more obvious when you eat simply.

Cleanses can serve many positive purposes, not just cleansing out the colon. First, it’s the act of eliminating poor dietary choices which gives your digestive system a break and purges toxins.

Second, cleanses help me to eliminate poor diet choices even after it’s over. In the past, I’ve permanently given up diet soda, caffeine, gluten, and other things during and after different cleanses.

But I also use the cleanse as a time to reflect and observe. As mentioned, I am noticing this pattern — which I know is common — to eat out of emotions. Eating can be a comfort and a habit, beyond the nutritive value. That’s something I want to focus on, even after the cleanse ends.

At home, I went for a long run with my daughter. We ran for about 40 minutes. In fact, I ran further than I have in a long time. That felt so great!

I’ve had no wine all week, and I love a good glass of red wine in the evenings. In fact, I haven’t had any in a few weeks — another positive aspect of the cleanse for my health.

Wednesday — Day 6

Supplements

2 Latero-Flora + 2 Oxy-Powder

Water

88 ounces

Breakfast

Rooibos tea

1 banana

1 cup strawberries, raspberries, blueberries

½ bottle mango juice smoothie

½ bottle turmeric golden milk

1 grapefruit

1 dried apricot

Lunch

2 red potatoes

¼ cup corn arugula salad

¼ cup quinoa salad

⅔ cup roasted zucchini & sweet potato mix

⅓ cup roasted okra

⅓ bag dried carrots

Dinner

Leftover salads

Activity

25-minute yoga flow

Arm weights

At work in the morning, I talked to one of our Customer Satisfaction specialists who said that it’s not ideal to drink store-bought juices during cleanses because they remove parts of the juice like pectin and enzymes during the pasteurization process. It’s fine to drink homemade juices, even better if you use a juicer that leaves the pulp.

I ate half of a grapefruit before our morning meetings, and it made me hungrier! But I know it’s good for me. In the meeting, my stomach was rumbling and I was super hungry. I had a dried apricot and finished the grapefruit afterward.

I’m adding some ACV and lemon to my water. I didn’t use to love the flavor of ACV, but I know it’s good for me, and the more you drink it, the better it tastes! I do prefer the taste with ACV + lemon to just ACV.

I went to a natural grocery store for lunch again and ended up eating again from the salad bar. I never thought I’d say this, but I’m looking forward to the Liver Cleanse which comes next on the Complete Body Cleanse — because I can eat other stuff!

When I got home, I was kind of struggling with low energy and motivation, but I’m not sure why. I know that emotions can come up during any cleanse, especially as you get into deeper cleansing — in other words, when you’ve done several. I’m really proud of myself for sticking with it, and for exercising daily!

Today, when I didn’t feel motivated to exercise, I found a 30-day yoga video series online. We can do hard things! The first one was a simple 25-minute flow. Then I did some arm weights — biceps, triceps, shoulders — afterward. I was so glad I pushed myself to do it and it made me feel proud that I stuck to my commitment. Mentally, I feel recentered and that is a good way to finish the cleanse.

Because supportive therapies are helpful during a cleanse, and I plan to reward myself with a massage this weekend and go to the chiropractor next Tuesday. That’s a great way to end these six days and transition to the liver cleanse, the next step in the Complete Body Cleanse I’m doing!

Overall Experience

I feel really happy and “clean” because I ate very healthy throughout the entire program. I feel good about what I’m putting into my body. I feel great about exercising every day, whether it’s a day where I push myself with 40 minutes of running, a gentle yoga flow, or even just a few crunches.

I am seeing that my stomach is flatter, and my digestive system feels clean. Since I just finished, I can’t say how my digestion is going to be after, but from past experience I find cleanses make me very regular — like clockwork! It takes a couple of days for Oxy-Powder’s effects to gradually wear off, and the colon to fill back up with more substantial food.

Doing something structured like this cleanse helps me in other areas of my life. Knowing I'm cleansing with a goal of weight loss, it helps motivate me to keep going on the exercise, knowing I’m improving my overall health.

The baby steps of some small exercise when I don’t have the energy for something more really helps me. And while exercising during a cleanse is not absolutely essential, it really helps move things through your system and makes you healthier in the process.

Advice

Plan your meals in advance, especially if you work. I found breakfast the easiest because I would just bring fruit. For lunch, I would bring fruit and raw veggies, but the time I went out with a friend, I got tempted to go back and get some of that delicious food the next day! Even if it was plant-based without any wheat, gluten, soy, etc., it was cooked when I was initially aiming for raw.

Also, when you eat out, it’s really hard to know what is in your salad dressing or whatever, even when you order something pretty healthy. So I definitely recommend sticking to bringing your own food if you want to be strict about the cleanse.

To remember to take my supplements, I put the bottles on my bathroom counter. I took Latero-Flora in the morning and Oxy-Powder the evening before bed.

I started out with the recommended six capsules of Oxy-Powder but reduced to four as that worked better for me at work. In an ideal world, I would have followed the protocol more precisely, but this was my honest experience. I did not have to rush to the bathroom or have any concerns with that at all. I would usually wake and have a nice hefty BM, and then at work would also go to the bathroom (number two) a couple of times. Other than the one day with a gurgly stomach, I did not experience any stomach upset, diarrhea, or gas.

Everyone has questions during a new cleanse. I had these questions and asked our Customer Satisfaction Team Manager Luis. Here are his answers.

Can I drink store-bought juice?

You can, but it’s not optimal for the colon cleanse. Dr. Group recommends fruits in as close to their natural “live” state as possible. If you drink juice, it’s best to make it yourself.

How long do the effects of Oxy-Powder last?

Its effects last 18 hours. (That makes sense why it seems to loosen the poo, not just the day after you take it, but the following day as well.)

Can I eat dried fruit?

Yes, but be careful not to overeat. It’s not hard to do.

Can I just eat fruit and vegetables, but raw? Why all fruit?

Dr. Group believes fruit is best for cleansing the colon. Fruit is full of both soluble and insoluble fiber, while also containing high levels of vitamins, minerals, antioxidants, and other nutrients.

Can I drink tea in that 20-minute period between taking Latero-Flora and eating?

Yes, it's ok. It does not interfere unless you're taking a probiotic at the same time as oregano tea or oregano oil, which kills probiotics. It will make little to no difference. The 20 minutes is really to ensure enough time for the capsule to open so that it can travel to the small intestine along with the food you are about to ingest.

The post My Remarkable Colon Cleanse Experience: a 7 Day Journal appeared first on Dr. Group's Healthy Living Articles.

My Remarkable Colon Cleanse Experience: a 7 Day Journal published first on https://smartdrinkingweb.tumblr.com/

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gordonwilliamsweb · 5 years

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My Remarkable Colon Cleanse Experience: a 7 Day Journal

Wendee’s Story

For complete protocol details, check out our article, How To Perform a Colon Cleanse: The Complete Guide.

Below, I detail the supplements I took, how much water I drank, and all the foods I ate — as well as my overall daily experiences.

Friday — Day 1

Supplements

2 Latero-Flora + 6 Oxy-Powder

Water (with lemon)

80 ounces

Breakfast

1 cup blueberries & raspberries

1 cup ginger-mango tea

Few sips mango kombucha

1 cup watermelon chunks

Lunch

1 avocado with sea salt

1 banana

Cold-pressed mixed vegetable-fruit juice

Snack

½ bag crunchy mango bites

1 cup mint-chamomile herbal tea

Dinner

6 jicama tacos (jicama wraps with cucumber and carrots)

4 oz. homemade guacamole

4 mini tomatoes

1 cup watermelon

Activity

100 crunches + plank

I went out with a friend for lunch, but I brought my own food there. I had carrots, avocado, and juice and it really filled me up.

Headaches and other mild discomforts are a natural part of most cleanses, and are part of what’s called the "healing crisis." When your body purges toxins, it can naturally lead to such symptoms.

Saturday — Day 2

Supplements

2 Latero-Flora + 6 Oxy-Powder

Water

60 ounces

Breakfast

1 cup rooibos tea

1 banana

3 dried apricots

1 unsweetened applesauce cup topped with cinnamon

Lunch

5 jicama tacos

4 oz. homemade guacamole

Snack

2 cups cold-pressed orange-pineapple-mango juice

½ cup blackberries/blueberries

Few sips mango kombucha

½ cup chopped Medjool dates in coconut flour

Dinner

6 jicama tacos

4 oz. guacamole

Activity

House cleaning + raking

Rode bike a couple of miles

After some morning tea, I started some house cleaning. I guess I felt like “cleansing” my house as well. Cleansing the body often brings psychological and emotional responses.

Later, my daughter and I started riding our bikes on the greenbelts in our neighborhood, then spontaneously decided to go to a coffee shop, which was not too far. I got a juice while there.

Sunday — Day 3

Supplements

2 Latero-Flora + 4 Oxy-Powder

Water

68 ounces

Breakfast

⅓ cup dried Medjool dates in coconut flour

1 cup peach passion tea

1 banana

1 dried apricot

Lunch

½ cup blueberries

1 cup peppermint tea

1 handful of dry roasted macadamia nuts

6 plantain chips

2 tablespoons pine nuts

Dinner

5 jicama tacos

4 oz. guacamole

4 mini-tomatoes

Activity

Stretching

100 crunches

Tae Bo

I’m weighing myself every day on this new scale I have that tells body fat, muscle mass, and more, but suffice it to say that I am not at my ideal weight and hope the colon cleanse will help!

When I got home, I did 40 minutes of Tae Bo. I used to do these years ago — I love Billy Blanks’ energy and I feel like I get an excellent all-over workout.

I only took four Oxy-Powder because I know that four "keeps me going" without being too much.

Monday — Day 4

Supplements

2 Latero-Flora + 4 Oxy-Powder

Water

88 ounces

Breakfast

1 cup rooibos tea

Few sips coconut water

1 banana

1 pear

1 dried banana

½ cup blueberries

⅓ cup green grapes

Snacks

½ bag organic crunchy mango bites

1 banana

Lunch

1 cup carrot sticks

4 oz. spicy guacamole

Dinner

15 plantain chips with ½ avocado

Few sips Mango Tango juice smoothie

Activity

Situps (60)

Back at the office, my stomach was very gurgly, and I was gassy (unusual for me, even on a cleanse). I wonder if it was the bite of Indian food since I hadn’t had this in the previous days.

Tuesday — Day 5

Supplements

2 Latero-Flora + 4 Oxy-Powder

Water

104 ounces

Breakfast

1.5 cups mango juice smoothie

1 cup rooibos tea

1 dried banana

1 banana

1 Gala apple

1 cup coconut water

Lunch

1 cup raw kale salad

⅓ cup quinoa salad

2 red potatoes in oil

½ cup corn-arugula salad

½ bottle turmeric golden milk

¼ bottle sparkling prebiotic tonic — ginger/turmeric/lemon

Snacks

6 organic carrot sticks, dried

⅓ bag dried crunchy mango bites

Dinner

½ avocado w/Himalayan pink salt

Activity

Ran for 40 min

Lunges & calf raises

Happy to nearing the end of the colon cleanse and proud of myself for beginning this health journey.

Noticing these patterns is just one positive aspect of a cleanse — they become much more obvious when you eat simply.

Cleanses can serve many positive purposes, not just cleansing out the colon. First, it’s the act of eliminating poor dietary choices which gives your digestive system a break and purges toxins.

At home, I went for a long run with my daughter. We ran for about 40 minutes. In fact, I ran further than I have in a long time. That felt so great!

I’ve had no wine all week, and I love a good glass of red wine in the evenings. In fact, I haven’t had any in a few weeks — another positive aspect of the cleanse for my health.

Wednesday — Day 6

Supplements

2 Latero-Flora + 2 Oxy-Powder

Water

88 ounces

Breakfast

Rooibos tea

1 banana

1 cup strawberries, raspberries, blueberries

½ bottle mango juice smoothie

½ bottle turmeric golden milk

1 grapefruit

1 dried apricot

Lunch

2 red potatoes

¼ cup corn arugula salad

¼ cup quinoa salad

⅔ cup roasted zucchini & sweet potato mix

⅓ cup roasted okra

⅓ bag dried carrots

Dinner

Leftover salads

Activity

25-minute yoga flow

Arm weights

Overall Experience

Advice

To remember to take my supplements, I put the bottles on my bathroom counter. I took Latero-Flora in the morning and Oxy-Powder the evening before bed.

Everyone has questions during a new cleanse. I had these questions and asked our Customer Satisfaction Team Manager Luis. Here are his answers.

Can I drink store-bought juice?

You can, but it’s not optimal for the colon cleanse. Dr. Group recommends fruits in as close to their natural “live” state as possible. If you drink juice, it’s best to make it yourself.

How long do the effects of Oxy-Powder last?

Its effects last 18 hours. (That makes sense why it seems to loosen the poo, not just the day after you take it, but the following day as well.)

Can I eat dried fruit?

Yes, but be careful not to overeat. It’s not hard to do.

Can I just eat fruit and vegetables, but raw? Why all fruit?

Can I drink tea in that 20-minute period between taking Latero-Flora and eating?

The post My Remarkable Colon Cleanse Experience: a 7 Day Journal appeared first on Dr. Group's Healthy Living Articles.

My Remarkable Colon Cleanse Experience: a 7 Day Journal published first on https://nootropicspowdersupplier.tumblr.com/

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easyfoodnetwork · 4 years

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Photo-illustration: Eater COVID-19 has led to a growing number of people trading food like sourdough starter and flour with their friends and neighbors Until about a month ago, Ari Koontz had never traded food with their neighbors in Providence, Rhode Island. But when Koontz decided to leave part of an extra-large batch of chocolate chip cookies on their neighbors’ doorsteps, they received cornbread and other cookies in return. “It was so wonderful to experience this kind of full-hearted reciprocity,” Koontz says — so much so that they began looking for more opportunities to trade. Soon, Koontz was running all over the neighborhood, swapping baguettes, sourdough starters, and pepper seeds for oranges, herbs, and dried beans. At my own house, in Seattle, a recent Costco impulse purchase of a two-pound bag of active dry yeast quickly became worth its weight in gold. While I happily gave it to anyone who needed some, friends and neighbors kept asking if there was anything they could give me in return. I accepted leeks from a garden, homemade granola, and malt powder for making bagels. Meanwhile, on Twitter, the television writer Jess Dweck joked that “2020 sounded like the most futuristic year and now we’re all like ‘I traded my neighbor a handkerchief for some carrots.’” More than 70,000 people liked the tweet — most likely because more than a few of them had been busy trading cloth masks for baking powder or bread for milk. As people have tried to cut down on grocery store trips (and their associated anxieties) since the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic, trading with neighbors has become an easy, low- or no-contact way to acquire that one missing ingredient for a recipe, find suddenly elusive supplies like yeast, or share brownies that can no longer be brought to an office. And so the informal bartering and trading of ingredients and food has mushroomed, with people using social media networks like NextDoor, Twitter, and Buy Nothing to ask for that pinch of cinnamon or give away extra lemons. “Yeast is selling for like $30-$70 online — does anyone want to trade us yeast,” wrote Twitter user Tori Hinn, who prefaced the request with, “[A sentence I would have never typed one year ago].” In public Facebook groups, posts using the terms “barter” and “trade” during March and April increased more than 250 percent over the same time period last year. “Barter already appeals to millennials and Gen Z,” says Julie Smith, a principal at the consulting company Point B. These generations, which make up about half the U.S. population, share dresses through companies like Rent the Runway and Armoire, swap baby clothing on Buy Nothing, and purchase resale or upcycled goods on Etsy. This predilection for sharing and reusing, combined with easy access to large groups of neighbors via social media, meant that bartering was already part of life for many in the U.S., and thus poised to catch fire long before the pandemic lit the fuse. But the instinct to trade during hard times follows a deeply entrenched pattern of human behavior that reasserts itself whenever a country endures a large-scale change to its fortunes. “Uncertainty leads people to conserve cash,” explains David Ortega, a food economist at Michigan State University, citing such examples as hyperinflation in Zimbabwe and Venezuela. Bartering has provided a way for people to get closer to one another even during a time of required social distancing. While Ortega isn’t surprised that informal trading has grown in popularity during the COVID-19 pandemic, he’s quick to point out that the pandemic is of a very different nature and scale than these other crises — and that its particular circumstances have created anxieties around food, not cash. “We are not running out of food,” he says, but the switch from eating at work, school, and restaurants to eating at home has led to shortages of certain items. “It’s not as easy as shifting delivery trucks from restaurants to a grocery store in a very short time frame,” Ortega explains. That, along with the tendency of many nervous shoppers to buy in large quantities, and supply chain disruptions related to sick workers, has created what are called stock outs. As a result, some people end up with plenty of flour or yeast, but miss other supplies that their neighbors have. Still, Ortega says that the gaps in the food supply chain aren’t the only explanation for why we barter. By sharing access to food, he explains, people feel they can connect with a friend or neighbor. “You go to the store, then call a friend and say, ‘Hey, I found eggs, do you need any?’” Bartering, in other words, has provided a way for people to get closer to one another even during a time of required social distancing. This kind of connection has resonated with Koontz, who was laid off from their job because of the pandemic. Trading has become “not just an act of kindness,” they say, but also — despite Koontz’s own lack of financial resources — “a way to feel like I was supporting my community.” For these reasons, they hope that the bartering trend is here for the long run. “Not just for me personally,” they say, “but [I hope that] our wider communities will continue exploring creative and non-capitalist ways to support one another in times of need.” While Twitter users may joke about the novelty of bartering (insert Little House on the Prairie punchline here), the practice is hardly new to many communities. Rebecca Adamson, an Indigenous economist and the founder and president of First Peoples Worldwide, a global nonprofit organization, notes that against the backdrop of the pandemic, “we can see the Western economy taking on the lessons or values of an Indigenous economy.” In the former, wealth is often synonymous with money, while the goal of the latter is for everyone in the community to survive and thrive. Indigenous economies accomplish this through collaboration and cooperation, valuing “the collective efficacy of community,” Adamson says — “much like what we are seeing in the public response to COVID- 19.” While she laments the lack of traditional exchange networks in the market economy, she sees elements of them reflected in the efforts of many people to create barter and trade networks to provide child care, hair styling, garden and farm produce, gourmet foods, carpentry, entertainment, and more. “By mitigating the influence of cash in a community,” Adamson says, “the value of social benefits can be maximized.” But bartering is generally a short-term fix in times of economic turmoil, Ortega says: When things get even worse, people turn to more extreme solutions, such as parallel currencies, which allow for more flexibility than direct trading. That said, he doesn’t think this new uptick will vanish anytime soon. And so he has a few words of wisdom for anyone interested in participating in the informal culinary barter economy. There’s a reason that “most people begin by trading with the people they know,” Ortega says: They trust that they’re not getting old yeast or spoiled milk. For that reason, he recommends that aspiring barterers also stick with people they know and trust. “Now,” he says, “is not the time to be paying a visit to the ER for a foodborne illness.” from Eater - All https://ift.tt/2WcU4bm

http://easyfoodnetwork.blogspot.com/2020/05/welcome-to-culinary-barter-economy.html

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