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uvobreakmylegs · 4 years

Text

Importunity

a lot of people wanted a Shalnark fic so here ya go~

💕Happy Valentine’s Day💕

Warnings: kidnapping, graphic depictions of violence, mentions of death, threats of violence

You'd gotten out.

Your brain was a little too high on the adrenaline of a successful escape for you to think over how exactly you had managed it, but you'd gotten out. The months of living with the man named Shalnark had been slowly wearing you down, exhausting you and at times you considered giving in to him. To 'let him love you', as he put it. Things would've been easier if you could just resign yourself to him and try to live that sweet lie that this relationship was normal and also one that you were still willingly part of.

But resilience held strong, and after many, many attempts at escape, you finally managed to make it to the outside while he was away.

Of course, you were only done with the first part of this plan.

For the second half, you needed to get out of the area before Shalnark came back. And so you were speed-walking through the busy streets of the city, keeping your head down for fear of Shalnark coming back and spotting you. You had never gotten this far before; if he caught you, whatever punishment you would receive for this attempt would be much worse than what he'd done to you previously. And whatever he did to you, he would have that same sickeningly-sweet smile on his face the entire time.

How could a person look so cheerful while they hurt someone else?

At one point you did like Shalnark. You would have gone as far as to say that you loved him. He was nice, if a little bit odd, but after your bad breakup with your ex, Shalnark felt like a breath of fresh air. He was happy to give you attention and eager to go out with you. When the two of you were together, his focus was 100% on you. And the sex was actually good. Shalnark was everything your ex wasn't, and you were happy that you had met such a man.

But after a little while of dating, once the exhilarating feeling of entering a new relationship had died down, red flags started popping up. Like how obsessive Shalnark was when it came to you. How he'd regularly go through your phone to delete contacts of yours, or how he had downloaded weird apps to your phone and computer so he could “keep an eye on you”. The phone made a little bit of sense, maybe, but the computer? You'd questioned him and tried to get him to uninstall those apps off your devices, but he refused.

“Shalnark, do you not trust me?”

At the time, you assumed that this behavior came from a fear that you would cheat on him, and that hurt you more than you had anticipated.

He sensed that as well, as it was one of the few times his cheerful expression vanished, watching you as tears began to well up in your eyes at the thought that he believed you to be a cheater.

Shalnark grabbed you then, holding you against his chest.

“It isn't that at all,” he assured you, stroking your hair.

“I really do want to make sure that you're safe. This is all just in case of a worst-case scenario. If something bad happens and I need to find you immediately.”

He pulled away from you slightly, cupping your face with both hands as he smiled at you again.

“So don't cry, okay?”

“.... What are you worried about exactly?” you asked.

“Lots of things.”

He didn't give you any answers beyond that.

You tried overlooking it. Tried to keep your mind on the positives, but more red flags kept popping up. How he would leave for long periods of time with no explanation, how when he came back, he was sometimes covered in cuts and bruises, and how he would always brush away your concerns and cheerfully refuse to tell you anything. Whenever he was back, he wouldn't let you be around any of your friends, insisting on taking up every second of free time that you had. But when it came to his private life he was willing to drop everything and leave you without explanation.

You felt like you were being used. And you reached your breaking point when he had tried to insist that you not spend any time with your friends when he was out of town.

“I can't do this anymore,” you said, head in your hands as the two of you stood in the kitchen.

“What do you mean?”

“I want to break up.”

Seconds passed by, and Shalnark said nothing. When you moved your hands aside to look at him, he was still smiling at you.

“I see,” he said.

He didn't sound angry, and for a second you wondered if he had been treating you badly to make you break up with him.

Without another word, he pulled out a strange looking needle.

You didn't remember anything after that.

All you knew was when you awoke next, you were in a completely different room in a completely different apartment with Shalnark standing over you.

“I guess I should have seen it coming,” he said to you, “it seems I pushed you a little too hard. But that's all right. We can start over now.”

You were at a loss for words for a few moments as you struggled to understand the situation.

“Start over?” you finally asked.

“Yep.”

“Shalnark, no. I broke up with you.”

“I don't care. I'm keeping you here,” he answered.

“No. I-I don't want to be here,” you said, shaking your head.

“Please Shalnark. Let me go home.”

He grinned, sitting down on the bed with you and grabbing you when you tried to pull away, leaning in until your foreheads were touching.

“Not a chance,” he whispered.

From there the nightmare worsened. You couldn't leave the apartment, and any time you tried, he would catch you and hurt you. Every time, he told you that he didn't want to do it. That it was your fault because you kept misbehaving.

“Things would be easier if you stopped lying to yourself. I know you still have feelings for me.”

You refused to think about that fact. Even though the way he had been treating you before the kidnapping had hurt you, part of you did still care about him. One part of your stupid brain still cared about this incredibly callous man even after everything he had done had you wanting to give in, and you hated yourself for it. It had to have been an act, right? The way he had been when you first met, and how he claimed that he loved you. There was no way he was capable of it. He just wanted to hurt you for his own sick pleasure, and you vowed to never give in to him. You would get away from him and tell the whole world just how much of a sick fuck he was.

You told him that. In the heat of the moment, you had said it right to his face.

He just smiled, and you blacked out again.

The next morning you had awoken to your whole body aching; your muscles were sore and you could barely move your arms and legs. When you stumbled into the bathroom to inspect yourself you found that there were also several cuts and bruises over your entire body.

“Something the matter?”

Shalnark was standing in the doorway, looking pleased with himself as he looked you over.

“.... Shalnark, what did you do?”

He ignored the question, giving you a closed-eyed smile and asking if you wanted breakfast.

You shook those thoughts from your head. Right now, you needed to concentrate on getting away. Once you were safe and had made certain that Shalnark wouldn't be able to touch you again, you'd find a therapist who could help you deal with your trauma and hopefully then you'd be able to go back to being a regular member of society. But right now, you needed to leave before Shalnark came back from his errand and found you missing.

You followed signs pointing in the direction of the subway, which was most likely the fastest way out and the only form of fast transportation that you could really afford, as the meager pile of change you had managed to collect behind his back was all that you had in terms of cash. Just enough to get you to a station on the outskirts of the city and then you'd figure it out from there. You just needed to get as much distance from him as you possibly could.

The streets were fairly crowded, and you needed to dip and weave your way through several groups of people that were walking far too slow and hindering your escape. You'd bumped into a few people, all of who were asking what your problem was as you hurried away. With all of the time that had passed since you were taken, you were certain that you'd been listed as a missing person, but being recognized as that right now wouldn't do you any good.

You spotted the steps that lead down to the underground subway, and against your better judgment, you felt a wave of relief wash over you as you cut through the crowded street to make it down those steps. Things could still go wrong. You knew that. But you were so close and if you could just get onto that train you'd finally be able to get help.

When you were just a few feet away from the top step, a hand grabbed you by the upper arm.

Your mind instantly told you that it was Shalnark, but when you looked to your side, you found an older man with graying hair holding you in place. You didn't recognize him, but he was yelling at you in a language you didn't understand. What you did to earn this reaction, you weren't sure, but it was costing you time and drawing attention as people around you turned to look at the commotion.

“I'm sorry, but I don't know what you're saying,” you said, trying to pull your arm away from him. Instead his grip became tighter and he grew red in the face, virtually screaming at you.

You didn't need this. And you needed to go now.

“Please let me go,” you tried, but it got you nowhere. The old man was still screaming and the crowd around you had stepped back, creating a circle around the two of you. There were murmurings all around you that slowly grew louder, and at one point you swore you heard someone say your name, but all you could really focus on was the old man and the way your heart was beating in your ears as your panic grew at a rapid pace. This was already a scene and with how unstable the man was acting, it could easily become violent.

You were scared. Scared that this man would hurt you, but more so you were scared that Shalnark would somehow manage to catch wind of this and track you down.

No one helped you as you tried to pull away again, the old man responding by jerking your arm harder, making you cry out. Why was no one helping you?

You kicked him in the groin. Hard.

The old man's screaming finally stopped as he stumbled backwards, releasing his grip on you.

You sprinted away, pushing past the people who had gathered in front of the subway stairs.

Someone grabbed you by the wrist, and you were spun around as you yanked your hand back.

You didn't actually see how close you were to the top step, but the momentum of pulling your wrist away sent you flying back.

You were aware of how your heel slipped over the edge of the top step.

And then you were falling.

Down into the darkened space of the subway station, and away from the crowd of people that stared at you, making no move to stop your fall.

Why was no one helping?

Your head hit the bottom of the stairs.

You probably hit a few other places on your body before you reached the bottom, but it was impossible to tell once you'd hit your head. You were too disoriented to tell what else was hurting; you could only focus on the pain in the back of your skull.

God, it hurt.

The world around you began to blur and you could only make out shapes and colors. At a certain point everything began spinning and you needed to close your eyes to keep from throwing up. You threw up anyway. At least, you thought you did. Trying to move was a mistake, and you were forced to keep still while you heard people talking around you. Hands that were grabbing you, hoisting you up at one point.

When you heard sirens you cracked your eyes open slightly and you were immediately punished by bright white lights above you that forced you to shut your eyes again.

A hand grabbed your face and pulled it to the side, making the pain in your skull shoot through you. Someone was prodding at spot where your head had hit the ground, brushing your hair aside to look at the injury. They weren't being gentle, either.

You were pretty sure you threw up again.

Time passed in bits and pieces.

A lot of talking, though you couldn't make out what was said.

A lot of faces you didn't recognize, looking down at you. They didn't seem happy, and you wondered why.

A lot of different machines, that you were either put into or were placed around you. Needles, tubes and fresh white sheets.

You tried talking a few times. You weren't always sure if there was anyone around when you did, but you always tried when you felt like you had the strength.

It'd be nice to know why you couldn't smell anything.

If you were able to get out any coherent sentences, no one ever answered you.

A sterile white ceiling greeted you when you opened your eyes next. There were noises, too. A dull chatter of voices from beyond the room and a constant beeping that sounded from the machines next to you. The amount of time it took you to realize that the plain white room was a hospital room was embarrassing, really. It should have been the medical equipment that tipped you off, but it was only when you got a look at the plastic barriers around the bed that you were able to deduce where you were.

Your head was still aching. How far had you fallen? Would there be permanent damage? In your haziness you managed to remember that most hospital rooms had a button to call for a nurse. Best to find that and try to get some answers.

But when you tried moving your arm, you found that your wrist was stuck on something.

Looking down, you saw that your wrists and ankles had been strapped to the bed and you were barely able to move them a few inches.

They only strapped people down when they were acting violent, right? Why would they do this to you? You couldn't remember a lot, so maybe you had acted out at one point before you got here? What other reason would they have to tie you down?

Shalnark.

In the midst of your confusion over your current situation, you remembered the man you were trying to get away from. The fact that you were in a situation where you were tied down and completely vulnerable sent a rush of adrenaline through you and you struggled at your restraints. He'd be coming for you, and you did not want to still be here once he found this hospital.

One of the machines next to you began to beep rapidly, signifying your increased heart rate and echoing in the small room.

You hadn't made any progress on freeing yourself when the door burst open, a woman in a white nurse's dress standing in the doorway. She took only a second to assess the situation before she came at you with a needle in hand.

“Please, I can't stay here. He'll find me!” you begged her.

She didn't acknowledge you and only held one of your arms as she injected whatever substance was in the needle into your veins. Whatever it was, it worked fast as you felt yourself beginning to drift back off into sleep.

“He'll hurt me,” you whispered.

The nurse above you scoffed.

“If only.”

Days passed by, and you felt like you were getting better. Not completely better, but your bouts of slipping back into unconsciousness seemed to stop after a point, and the ache in your skull had dulled a bit.

The treatment from the few that were around you didn't get any better. As you slowly recovered from your fall, you were able to see the way in which the nurses regarded you: disgust, mostly, and a fair amount of resentment whenever they needed to come in to take care of you. The one you saw most often was the nurse you had seen when you had first woken up. She was an older woman, and refused to give you any painkillers.

“I knew Regina's mother,” she hissed at you one morning, “what you did to those people was monstrous.”

“.... Who's Regina?”

Your question had earned you a harsh slap to the face, and your evening meal that day came later than usual and tasted worse than the regular hospital meal.

Detectives came in sometimes. Strangely enough they would ask you questions about your relationship with your ex and the last time you had seen him, but they left pretty fast whenever you tried bringing up the fact that you'd been kidnapped. You would only ever get as far as telling them Shalnark's name before they were heading back out the door.

“We'll get the truth when you're well enough to be brought in to the station,” they had said on their last visit.

Based off how you had been doing, it probably wouldn't be long before you were moved to a more secure location.

With no tv or books to occupy your time and the fact that you remained with your hands and legs tied down, there was little else you could do during your time in that room besides think. No one was telling you anything, and you were left to try and figure things out on your own. You had been blamed for something, that was certain, and based off of the reactions of those around you and the fact that you had seen various cops sitting outside your door whenever a nurse came in, it was something serious.

It was Shalnark's doing. It had to have been. Had he framed you for a crime?

Those blackouts you would occasionally have came to mind, along with that morning you had awoken to your entire body feeling sore and overworked. It had been reasonable to suspect that he had done something to you during those times, but you had assumed he was fucking you in your sleep or something. It had never occurred to you that he was using you to do something more.

But aside from that, it was strange he was taking so long to come and get you.

Moving fast was the only way you potentially had any chance of getting away from him, and for you to have not seen him once since your very public apprehending didn't feel right. Once he had figured out where you were, surely he would have been fast in taking you back. It would have been easier than ever if he had come immediately after your fall. The fact that you had remained her for so long could only mean that he was planning something.

You remembered the detectives' words, on how they would be moving you to the police station once you got better. If Shalnark wasn't planning on coming into the hospital to get you, was he waiting for your relocation in order to make his move?

You needed to get out of the hospital before it came to that, you decided.

A frenzied escape attempt with no thought put into it was bound to get you caught. You had learned that much during your time trapped with Shalnark. You needed to keep calm and not draw any attention to yourself. If you freaked out too much and made too much noise, that nurse would come back in, inject you with those drugs and you would lose valuable hours that you needed to get away.

Slowly, and with a great deal of effort, you wiggled the wrist of your dominant hand around in an attempt to get it out of the restraint. Though the straps were made of fabric, it was a stiffer material, and after a fair amount of wiggling, the skin around your wrist was raw and bloody as you tried to loosen it while making your hand as small as possible.

Somehow, after hours of pulling as hard as you could, you finally freed your hand, gasping out a sigh of relief as you took a moment to rest. Luckily, no one had come to check on you yet, but it would be impossible to hide the fact that your hand was no longer tied down if they came too close. At least the remaining restraints were easier to get off, but now you were faced with your next problem: getting out of the room.

It was getting close to evening, around the time when someone would come in to feed you. Whoever came in always came with the sedatives, but you had noticed that most of the staff had been growing somewhat lax during your time here, and you would use that to your advantage.

When the next nurse came in, you were back in your usual spot on the bed, having arranged the sheets in a way so she couldn't see that you weren't tied down. She was a younger, quieter woman who avoided looking at you if she could. And as expected, a needle full of sedatives were on the tray she brought in with your meal.

When she set the tray down, you told her “someone slipped something under the door earlier.”

“What?”

You motioned with your head.

“Earlier, somebody slipped something under the door. I'm not sure what it was, but it looked like paper?”

“I don't see anything.”

“I think it went flying when you opened the door,” you explained.

She sighed, turning away from you to look at the area around the door. When she began to walk forward, you jumped off the bed as quietly as you could and reached for the needle.

“I still don't see anythi-”

Your hand covered her mouth as you stuck the needle into her neck, pushing its contents into her. She struggled briefly and went as far as to bite your hand, but within moments she was out, falling out of your grasp and onto the floor.

You felt terrible as you dragged the nurse across the floor and hid her behind the bed. There was no way you had the strength to lift her up and place her in the bed; you hadn't moved for weeks now and your muscles felt strained just from dragging her. Her neck was bleeding a bit, and you sincerely hoped you had just knocked her out and hadn't managed to do anything that would damage her permanently. If only it had been the nurse who had slapped you that you had come across, then at least you wouldn't have felt as bad.

You felt even worse when you forced yourself to remove her clothing. She was a bit wider than you were and her clothes didn't fit all that well, but it would hopefully work as a disguise so you could get out of the building. At least the long-sleeved sweater she had been wearing would cover the wound around your wrist. In an effort to give her some sort of apology, you placed a blanket over her.

“Everything all right in there?” a voice from outside suddenly called.

…. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. You'd forgotten about the officer outside the room.

“Yeah, everything's fine,” you answered, trying to imitate the nurse's voice as best you could.

“Okay,” was the answer. You didn't think that you sounded much like her, but evidently it was good enough.

“Do you mind waiting in there for a little bit?” the officer asked through the door, “I need to use the restroom.”

“Y-yeah, go ahead.”

“Thanks.”

At least there was a little bit of luck on your side, it seemed. You couldn't believe that you'd managed to forget that there was someone on the outside watching over you, but that problem seemed to have taken care of itself. Best not to try and rely on getting so lucky every time, though.

After a few moments, you peeked your head outside the door, and when you found the coast to be clear, you began to hurry down the hallway.

There weren't many people in the halls, and the ones that were there didn't seem to notice you in your slightly over-sized clothes and shoes. Still, you kept your head down and moved as fast as you could, not willing to risk someone recognizing you again. A staff-only stairway caught your attention, and you pushed on the heavy door and entered the dimly-lit stairwell.

You traveled down several flights of stairs to get to the ground floor. It would probably be a bad idea to try to leave through the front entrance. Finding some kind of side or back door would be best; something like that shouldn't be too hard to find.

A directory caught your attention, and you noted the arrow that pointed the way to a loading bay. It wouldn't be an area that would be open to visitors or regular patients, but there was the chance that hospital workers could be in there. But you didn't know how much time you had left before that nurse was discovered and you were found to be missing, and you didn't want to waste time wandering the halls trying to find an exit. Right now you needed to hope you would just be lucky.

Your luck held as you made it to the loading bay, as the others roaming the hospital halls were too absorbed in their own tasks to pay attention to you. And to your delight, no one was in the loading area either. This was perfect. Just a few more steps and you'd be free. You stumbled a bit down the steps of the platform before you decided to cast off the ill-fitting shoes. It was dumb to run around a city barefoot, but hopefully you could find a change of clothes somewhere and get rid of the whole nurse getup completely.

The cement was cold against your feet as you ran across it. You'd be out of here and then you could focus on getting out of this goddamned city.

As you came up to a pillar, a figure jumped out in front of you. You were too slow to react, and you ran right into it.

“Found you~”

It was a voice that you knew well, and you found that you recognized the shirt that your face was currently pressed up against. Not a lot of men wore purple pastel.

Shalnark was beaming down at you as he wrapped his arms around your back and kept you pressed against him.

“I missed you so much!” he continued, “Really, words can't describe how miserable I was without you around.”

“L-let me go!” you cried, trying to get out of his grasp. He only pulled you in closer.

“But we just found each other again. How could I let you go after we've been apart for so long?” Shalnark said.

You continued to struggle, trying to slip out of his arms that held you in whatever way you could. Shalnark seemed content to watch you writhe in his grasp, but he seemed to tire of it as he let out a quiet sigh and released you. You immediately pushed off from him and ran back to the stairs.

“Who's going to help you in there?”

You had only reached the foot of the stairs when he asked that, and you stopped in your tracks. He had a point. Everyone hated you, to put it lightly. It was unlikely that anyone would come to help you even if you begged them to. Turning back to Shalnark, you found him holding his phone out. He had pulled something up on the screen but it was too far away for you to read.

“Don't you want to know what's going on?” he asked, “come back over and you can find out.”

You shook your head.

“Oh? I thought you would have had questions. You sure you don't want to know?”

“I do,” you admitted, “but I also don't want to be anywhere near you. You'll make me black out again.”

“I won't do that,” he said, “there'd be no point in doing that right now. I promise, I won't do anything. Just come back to me.”

Your hand gripped the railing of the stairs and you looked back to the hospital's back entrance. Every fiber of your being wanted to run back inside, even if you would just be restrained and knocked out again.

“C'mon,” Shalnark tried again, “I'm literally holding all of the answers. All you need to do is walk back over.”

This was some kind of trick. It had to be. Shalnark wasn't forthcoming in anything and his promises meant nothing. All this was some sort of way to entrap you.

But if that was the case, then you were trapped anyway. You had no chance of being able to outrun or outsmart him. Once he caught sight of you, you were caught even before he had held you in his arms. He was letting you move around for now. If you made another break for the door, you'd be knocked out again.

Your hand released itself from the railing, and you slowly walked back to him, every step hesitant as you waited for him to pull something.

For once, Shalnark stayed true to his word as he didn't move when you got closer. He even tossed the phone over to you when you got close enough. You caught it with shaking hands, looking back up at him while he held his hands up in mock surrender.

“See? Nothing bad. I just want you to read it.”

There was no way that was all he wanted, and though it was a stupid idea to take your eyes off of him, with how insistent he was being on this you complied with his demands and looking at the article he had pulled up on his phone.

You had guessed at what he had made you do. In your time stuck in that room, running through in your head the ways that people had treated you, how they had reacted to just seeing you, and you knew that he had made you do something horrific.

But it was still hard to read those words that proclaimed you to be a murderer.

Your ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend, a woman you'd never met named Regina, had been found outside of his car, beaten to death. That same night, the house where Regina's family lived had been set on fire, her mother, father and siblings having all been trapped upstairs and succumbing to the smoke and flames. DNA evidence at both crime scenes pointed to you.

There was a photo, too. Grainy and probably taken from a surveillance camera, but the details were clear enough: you, walking outside, stone-faced and covered in blood.

“Shalnark,” you said slowly, “what did you do?”

“Me? I didn't do anything,” he said, laughing, “it's pretty clear that you're the one who killed your ex and his girlfriend in a jealous rage.”

“No,” you protested, “I-I didn't. It was you. You controlled me. Made me do it.”

“Yeah,” Shalnark admitted. He stepped towards you to take the phone back, adding “but how are you going to prove something like that in court?”

“.... Why?”

The answer to that question was obvious, but you couldn't think of anything else to say.

“Because of that thing you said: that you'd expose me to the world or something. After all we've been through, it made me really sad that you still feel like that,” he explained, “I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere with you. So I decided that some drastic measures were in order.

“You've been really desperate to get away from me, but I wondered: would you still be like that if you knew there was no chance of going back to the way things were?”

“.... What are you saying?” you asked.

“I'll let you choose,” Shalnark answered, “if you really don't want to be with me, I'll let you go. But with all of the evidence there is against you, you'll probably be looking at a life sentence in prison.”

He hummed, hand on his chin as he thought to himself.

“I don't see you doing too well in a prison, personally. And with how bad your crimes were, you'd be sent to the worst one they can find.”

“A-and if I go back with you?” you asked after a moment.

“Then we'll go back to normal!” he said cheerfully, “you'll keep living with me and loving me, and I'll keep you safe. Doesn't that sound nicer than being locked up in some prison?”

“I.....” you began, trailing off. Shalnark waited patiently for you to continue.

“I-I could run away. Go to Meteor City....?”

The sentence came out more like a question.

“You could,” said Shalnark, “but Meteor City won't take you. In fact, if you were to step one foot inside you'd be dead in an instant.”

All of this was becoming too much, and you began to hyperventilate at the thought of what he had made you do to cut off an escape to Meteor City.

“Oh, don't worry. It wasn't nearly as dramatic as the other murders; you just stabbed a guy,” Shalnark explained, “but Meteor City doesn't like it when one of theirs is killed for no reason, so if they find you, they'll retaliate in kind. You're pretty lucky the police here kept your location under wraps; I can't imagine how many attempts on your life there would have been if they'd managed to find out.

“But more importantly, what's your decision? Am I taking you back with me or are you going to reject me one final time?”

Seconds turned into minutes as the two of you stood in in that loading bay, Shalnark waiting for your answer while your brain scrambled to figure out what to do. You couldn't go back with Shalnark. Not after all he had done and all you had tried to get away from him. But he was right that you wouldn't survive in a prison. Not that you would have very long to live if you did go to one, as someone from Meteor City would be fast to find and kill you for the man you murdered.

Oh god, what were your parents going through? To have your name be blasted on the headlines as a serial killer. How many friends had they lost? How were they handling the inevitable ostracization they were going through? How many people were trying to hurt them because they couldn't get to you? And did your parents believe you had done all those things? Did they hate you? Was it the same case for your friends and other family? Or would they be able to distance themselves enough that the court of public opinion wouldn't judge them? All of that didn't even go into what you would go through if you were brought to trial. Your entire character would be picked apart and you would go down in the records as a crazed ex-girlfriend who couldn't stand the thought of the guy she liked being with another woman. And that would last until Meteor City came for you.

A potentially longer life stuck with Shalnark, or one that would definitely be much shorter as you were tried for crimes you didn't commit?

It had started to rain as the two of you stood there, and the cold rainwater ran down the slanted entrance of the loading bay and past your bare feet, making you shiver.

Then you heard police sirens in the distance.

“I think they've found out that you escaped,” said Shalnark, “it's now or never.”

You stood still, staring at him dumbly.

He hummed to himself.

“I see,” he said. Then Shalnark turned, and began to walk away.

True panic hit you at the sight of him leaving you behind. Without Shalnark, you would be at the mercy of the police. You'd be at the mercy of a whole world that thought you were a murderer and wouldn't care if you died. Shalnark at least cared a bit, in his own selfish way that didn't regard your feelings in the slightest.

If you didn't go with Shalnark, you would die.

That thought forced your legs to move you forward, and you reached out to grasp the back of his shirt in a desperate bid to keep him from leaving.

He stopped, and for a moment, the two of you stayed there like that.

Shalnark spun around suddenly, grabbing your shoulders to pull you into a kiss.

It was hard to not resist, and after a few seconds, you pushed forward to make yourself kiss him back.

He was grinning ear to ear when he pulled away.

“I knew you'd make the right choice. I knew you couldn't hate me so much to choose death over me.”

He pulled you into a hug, stroking your back as he told you “don't worry; I wouldn't have actually let you go. There's nothing in this world that could ever make me abandon you.”

You weren't sure if you should believe him or not.

“We'd better get out of here. This place'll be infested with cops pretty soon.”

You wordlessly accepted the hand he held out to you after he pulled away, and you let him lead you out into the rain and the street beyond. He immediately walked you to an awaiting taxi cab, ushering you into the back before he slid in behind you. The taxi driver didn't acknowledge when the two of you entered, and when you looked over to him, you saw a familiar-looking bat shaped needle sticking in his arm.

The car drove off with the two of you inside after Shalnark typed in a few commands on his phone, and he set it aside to focus on you.

“I didn't mention it earlier, but I actually really like that nurse look,” he said, leaning forward to pull down the sweater so he could get a better look at the nurse's dress you had stolen.

“Hmm. It's a little big on you, though,” he commented as he pulled at the fabric a bit to prove his point, “if I buy you one that fits, will you wear it for me?”

You nodded.

Shalnark, grinned, bringing you into another hug.

You wanted to push him away like you had done before, but things were different now. You had chosen to stay with him. Now you needed to accept his advances. Even though he had said that he would never abandon you, how much could you really trust him?

Shalnark speaking your name brought you out of your thoughts, and he whispered to you “if you try to escape again after this, I'll cut off your legs.”

You couldn't see his expression, but his voice was serious, and you jumped when he pulled away once more.

That smile was back on his face, and he cheerfully said “just kidding.”

#yandere #yandere hxh #yandere hunter x hunter #shalnark #yandere shalnark #shalnark x reader #yandere x reader #reader insert

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pollenat · 4 years

Text

SEVENTEEN and 5 ways to say I love you

S.COUPS

Droplets of water resting on his cheeks, reflecting moonlight. The rain has surprised you on an evening walk, and right now you’re standing by the crosswalk, his arms holding the coat above your heads while he stares at the red light. You should be shivering and getting annoyed at the discomfort of wet clothes, but you can’t stop staring at his ethereal side profile.

A gentle smile blossoming on his face whenever you compliment him. It’s so powerful, you can never stare at it long enough. He may say “Of course, I know that.”, but that doesn’t make him any less happy. And when you tell him how great he is in the tough moments, Seungcheol doesn’t respond. Instead, he hides his head under your chin, where he is always welcome to regain confidence and comfort.

Kissing him goodbye when he stops the car by your house. It’s lingering, your arms embracing one another to keep it going as long as possible. Neither of you are ready to part ways, despite the late hour. His hands press at your lower back, and after long minutes of being entwined, you pull away with sadness matching his eyes. Seungcheol grabs you once again, for one last kiss, and then finally lets go, his eyes following you until you disappear inside.

Taking a step back when his voice raises. It’s different - an irritating blaring alarm compared to the sweetness of his usual tone. His eyes are also strange. So stark, you feel the pain they’re meant to inflict. But the hurt doesn’t make you close in on yourself. Instead, it’s like a log to your fire. You need to stand up to it, fuel the useless aggression, even if it will burn you in the end.

Carefully spreading the blues of a face mask on his face. His eyes are closed, and open only when you can’t stop yourself from laughing any longer. “What’s so funny?” you genuinely want to explain, but another look at the numerous pigtails sticking out in different directions forces you to hide in one of his shoulders. “What did you do to my face?” his question is trying to be humorous, but the terror is all too evident in it.

JEONGHAN

The sight of snow covering every surface possible. His voice when he complains about the cold. The redness of his nose poking above the scarf you’re tying around his neck. “You’re being embarrassing.”, but Jeonghan fails at hiding his smile behind the material. He doesn’t know his eyes are betraying him. “Yeah I know”, you answer him, now indifferent to the teasing.

Tired smile decorating his face when he visits you in the evening of your birthday. Training clothes crumpled, hair a mess, shoelaces untied and tucked into the sides. You tell him he didn’t have to, he’s done enough for you and needs rest. But truth be told, you’re selfishly happy to have him here. “If it’s for you, I don’t mind giving up few hours of sleep.” he says with calm certainty.

The times you have to wait for him to acknowledge you because of a petty fight. He’s not the person to back down from one, and you sometimes feel like pulling your fingers out from the amount of frustration you’re going through. You know he’ll eventually relent, let you in, lock you in a tight embrace, if only to ask why didn’t you say anything sooner. You’ll want to pick up the fight again, but what for?

Pieces of clothing he deliberately leaves at your place, so he can tease you whenever you put them on. “I was wondering where it disappeared.” “But you-” “It’s okay. I know how good I smell.” “Jeonghan-” “Shh, you can hold on to it for now.” As much as you want to argue, you end the fight with an angry sigh.

The smell of grass during a sunny day. Tree bark imprinting itself on your back, and Jeonghan’s head weighing down your thigh, his breath calm. There’s no doubt - he’s asleep. The guy could doze off anywhere. Somewhere in the back, a guitarist is playing for tips, light melody mixing with distant chatter. Your hands put away the book, tired of holding it in the air. Instead, you let the strands of Jeonghan’s hair entertain you.

JOSHUA

The cheesiness of slow-dancing in a room illuminated by the moon only. A song you came to like is playing, and Joshua’s voice joins the singer every now and then, before he stops himself. You’d rather listen to him singing. He laughs at the idea. “Don’t be cheesy!” but he can be?

Helping him fix his tie and collar before going to theater. His chin is pointing upwards, but his eyes are set on your face. You aren’t sure what he’s looking for, and the constant observation makes you self-conscious. “Why are you staring at me?” the question makes him smile. You take note of that, but remain busy with the tie. “Just admiring my beautiful plus one.”

Sitting by the table, him in front of you. It’s night time, and you’re both tired. It’s crazy how despite a hectic day, Joshua has managed to make you dinner. “Oh, this? It’s nothing!” was what he said after putting the plates of a complicated dish down. You can’t help, but smile to yourself in silence. Joshua’s foot nudges your underneath the table, and you look up to see him frowning questioningly. “It’s delicious.” has him smiling proudly.

The movie being just a background noise, neither of you interested in what it has to present. Not when you’re cuddled on the sofa, almost (!) sleeping. Joshua has his head tucked under your jaw. His breathing is regular and warm on your neck.Your fingers get tangled in the longer hairs on the top of his head. Eyes finally closing, the last thing you register is the characteristic smell of his shampoo.

Seeing his shoulders closing in on him. Head down, eyes empty, lips shut tight. Your approaching footsteps have no effect on his stature. He’s sitting still in his pose. A hand on his shoulder ends up shaken off. Words directed at him earn no response. After what feels like forever of standing dumbfounded by his side, you take a step back and leave him be. Maybe he needs space. Maybe he will call for you when he’s ready. Maybe, maybe, maybe. One thing is sure - you do feel a little hurt by rejection.

JUN

The weight of his hand on your shoulder when you’re standing in a crowded space. It’s a bit suffocating, you can’t lie. Having Junhui’s protective arm embracing you forces your attention to focus on his presence instead. He can’t bring himself to look at you, sure you’ll tease him. Still, he can feel your admiring glances. “I know, I’m very chivalrous.” leaves his mouth before he can bite his tongue. “Don’t ruin the moment.” “Okay.”

Kissing your forehead numerous times when he notices it’s warm. His jumper is already on your chest, shyly given earlier after you commented the weather. Jun’s cold hand rests on your cheek to check its temperature too. After one last peck he finally declares “You have a fever.” in a bewildered tone.

Opening your phone’s gallery to twenty new selfies that Junhui has taken when you weren’t nearby. They’re almost all the same, but you can’t bring yourself to delete any. Even if it means he gets teasing material. “Obviously, I’m just too good-looking, right babe?” “Oh my god, yes you are, Junhui.” “Exactly.”

A noodle hanging from his mouth, and the suggestive wiggle of his eyebrows. You think of the scene that the two of you saw the day before - the connection is obvious. Jun smiles when you hesitate to follow his lead, proud to bring your cheeks the warmth of embarrassment. Then he chokes on the noodle, because you decided to strike back and take the other end in your mouth. As if he was the only one allowed to tease in your relationship.

How odd it is to see him indifferent and actually nervous around you. There’s a fear that it might’ve cemented the incoming end of your relationship. That maybe he wants nothing more to do with you. But Jun’s train of thoughts is far away from the breakup sphere, rather unsure how to make things normal again. It’s only a matter of time, right? And why are you just as strange about everything as him?

HOSHI

Sharing a blanket with each other on the cold wooden boards, your group of friends seated in a circle, as you take turns telling scary stories. Your and Soonyoung’s terrified glances meet every now and then, before he leans on your chest so you can lock hands over his shoulder protectively. “Don’t worry, I’ll keep you safe.” His giggles at your promise score you numerous scolding looks.

You’re not the first one to notice him. Once his silhouette comes into your view, he’s already jumping in place, flailing his arms in the air for attention. A big smile spreads across his face, pushing his eyes almost shut. Soonyoung mouths something, but you can’t read his lips at all. Then he starts running towards you with arms wide open for embrace. Laughing, you do the same. It is embarrassing, but your suffering ends as soon as your face can hide in his neck.

Spoons of your meal disappearing in his mouth, although his half-finished own is resting right next to it. After five pointed glances, you give up to watch him full-time instead. Soonyoung is clearly enjoying his food. “Why are you not eating?” “I’m full already.” “You and your small stomach!” Him and his big stomach!

The collection of old Halloween couple costume’s you’ve collected over the years. Each worn just once, each as memorable as the previous one. Soonyoung throws himself at the mountain of colorful materials, his lips pouting. “You want to get rid of them? Our memories?!” “They’re taking up too much space.” He groans disgusted. “So?” “Get off and help me pack them.” “Make me!”

His sad eyes following your every move as you walk around the room gathering things. There’s a stark contrast between his watery gaze, and your angry stare. Every few seconds he starts senseless sentences, more a product of desperation than solid argumentation. And then you leave him alone, to get lost in his sad thoughts, to wonder what could’ve been done to avoid the conflict altogether.

WONWOO

Eardrum-bursting noise of speeding cars. You flinch in your spot, then shoot a glare to the man that accidentally sat on remote control. “Wonwoo!” He smiles apologetically once you point out the volume. Sighing, you pick up the phone. Its clock reads 2 a.m, but even the realization doesn’t make you tired. “One more mission, come on!”

No matter when and where you’ve agreed to meet, he’s always the first one to appear. It’s not the nicest feeling - being always waited for - but Wonwoo rejects your attempts at confrontation. He says he’s used to it and prefers things that way. Why worry your head, when it’s all figured out. He doesn’t know that you know that he’s very particular about being the first one everywhere. Talk about chivalry.

The avoidance of physical contact. Yes, you are in a disagreement. Yes, some feelings were hurt. Yes, both of you are mad. The tension is thick, waiting for a knife sharp enough to cut through it. Tired of frowning, you reach for the rock you can always lean on, but the rock moves. You’re pushed away without him pushing, and at that moment the word hurt is redefined.

Summery evening spent by a lake. There’s a picnic table, usually posing nude with its graffiti, today dressed in a checkered cloth. A basket of half-finished lunch rests above all, closed, hopefully keeping the fruit away from insects. You watch another stone skipping the surface of calm water. It’s not a record-breaker, but you still cheer for Wonwoo. Sunset glances off of his glasses when he turns to look back.

Going through the pictures you ordered. A large frame is placed on the other end of the table, the blankness waiting for colors. But it’s been hours, and aside from leaning over the pictured memories, no collection has been decided. Wonwoo’s hand closes over yours when you hand him a particularly funny photograph. His deep hum resonates in appreciation.

WOOZI

The look of bewilderment he puts on when your hand offers him a spoonful of food. You don’t mind the public, only nod at him in encouragement, and although shy, he accepts the offering. “Please, stop doing that.” “I can’t hear you because this stew is so amazingly delicious! You should have a taste once more!” Another spoon glares at him under your innocent gaze.

Hugging him tightly as you’re waiting for sleep to take over. The duvet is too cold for your liking, and Jihoon offers the only source of warmth you accept. You know that in the morning you’ll wake up separated, but for now you plan on enjoying being so close to him. Every now and then he leaves lingering kisses on your forehead without saying a word.

The deepness of bass syncing with your heartbeat. Jihoon is facing away from you, propped on his locked hands and gazing at the computer screen. He always closes off to focus on analyzing his tracks. As much as you want to remain silent and follow his lead, you’re convinced you’ve heard the same tune before. Then you recognize it from Jihoon’s humming a week prior.

His tear-strained face after a big argument. You’re shocked to see him so broken, and all the anger that’s been boiling your blood disappears. Jihoon accepts the embrace, his arms closing on you tightly, as he whispers “Don’t argue with me anymore, please. I don’t want you to leave”.

The day you run up the stairs to his apartment. The neighbors nod at you in mute greetings, all offering smaller or bigger smiles. Your fingers quickly put a memorized code in. The front door opens after you press the handle. There’s a pair of slippers already waiting. Jihoon walks into the hallway to welcome you. His hair is still wet from the shower.

The annoyingly omittable grocery store playlists. They’re so subtle in their existence, you hum, but never remember exactly which melody. That is unless that song comes on. Seokmin who’s been pulling the cart from the side, turns to face you with a knowing smile. “Please, not here.” you ask, but Seokmin just turns away and begins singing along. People look, and you’re both extremely embarrassed and eager to listen to his voice more.

Instead of being angry, like you are, he’s sad. Misery written all over his infuriatingly beautiful face. It’s petty to continue attacking him with hurtful words. The ammo you’ve loaded now just a steam coming from na overheated gun. Seokmin doesn’t speak. He’s silent. It’s as if you’re the only one who can decide when will all the arguing end.

Finding a birthday gift a week before. Seokmin is terrible at hiding things meant for you, and although you’re itching to ask him “Your underwear drawer? Really?” you act as if nothing ever happened. Even if your fun was ruined, you do not wish him the same. He genuinely believes your act of surprise later.

Sitting chest to chest, legs around one another, while you’re brushing his hair. He doesn’t shy away from admitting that this tradition is his favorite one. That’s why you run comb through his locks for way too long, to keep him close, and bask in the familiarity of it all. When your eyes fall down, they always catch his big ones, patiently waiting for you to finish, and gift him a kiss.

A surprise backhug when you’re washing the dishes. Seokmin should be drying them off with a towel, but some time ago he abandoned the task, He’s always been quick to lose interest. His head rests on your shoulder, voice impatiently asking when will it be over. You want to laugh at him. Tell him to get back to work. But then again - you’re enjoying the warmth he’s radiating. Like fire in a chimney.

MINGYU

Styling his hair after he has left the shower. Mingyu giggles hysterically as you put finishing touches to his mohawk. “You could be a punk rock guitarist.” his canines come into full display at the comment. Later he tells you to make him a greaser, with a carefully twisted lock of hair falling down his forehead.

A letter he has written when he realized things weren’t completely alright with you at the moment. A collection of words that to you make much more sense than to any other person. The letter itself can’t take the weight off of your shoulders, but the gentleness of his words, the constant encouragement, and the amount of love confessions do give you a new feeling, this time - a good one.

The giddiness when you know you’ll see him a matter of minutes. And as soon as you do, a smile breaks out, because how can it not? His is similar, just as full of warmth as yours. The only things warmer than it are his welcoming embrace and your cheeks rubbing. “I’ve been waiting for you for so long! You’re not late? Well, I was still waiting to see you!”

The warmest and securest of embraces he offers at any time of the day. Mingyu may be busy and still take a moment to hug you when things don’t feel quite right. Just a look, a pout, a sigh, a call of his name, or a hand on his shoulder - Mingyu drops whatever it is he’s doing and opens his arms. Most times, as an added bonus, he offers you quick pecks of pure honey. Anywhere he can reach.

Sneaking hands into one another’s sleeves when the weather is cold. It may not be the smartest move, because there’s not much two adults merged in a pose like that can do. Mingyu giggles at the feeling of your ice cold fingers grabbing his arms, meanwhile almost jumping away from you. Only the hold you have on his limbs stops him from parting ways. “You’re too cold! I didn’t sign up for this!” “You’re supposed to warm my hands, so stop complaining!”

THE8

The warmth of his arm as the two you huddle in front of a painting in the museum. Minghao‘s telling you what he thought of when he saw it for the first time. Then he encourages you to share your opinion. His eyes look genuinely curious. “I didn’t think of it like that!”, but you doubt his words. Still, it feels nice to be appreciated and listened to.

His tendency to fall silent in the middle of argument that does nothing to cease your annoyance. In the back of your mind a voice is telling you that it went too far, and you should follow suit, but the wind’s silence can never extinguish a raging fire. Blinded by rage, you throw the book you were holding on the ground, turn around and storm off, ignoring his voice calling your name. “Stop being childish!” annoys you only more.

The first thing you notice while falling into his arms being his perfume. It’s so rich, and so his, you feel safe and right in place before you can sense the plush of his flesh under fingertips. Minghao giggles at your strengthening grip. His ears pick up on your sniffing and after some time of letting you soak in his presence, he makes you look him in the eyes. You can’t argue - who would reject a kiss of adoration from a man like that?

Sharing a piece of cake in a cafe. It’s a red velvet, with strawberries on the side. There’re no words being exchanged, you just steal small smiles in each other’s direction. The cake disappears slowly, each spoon frugal and shy. It’s not that you can’t afford another one. The cake is an object of sentiment - something shared between two close people.

The delicateness of his fingertip on your upper cheek. It swipes to the side and (sadly) leaves. Minghao’s eyes follow his thumb as he transports a lost eyelash to the front of your lips. “Make a wish.” he says with a gentle smile. Heart fluttering, you struggle to glue together a proper plead. It’s the first dream that came up and you have nothing better to offer. Then you blow the eyelash into the air. Please world, make it happen.

SEUNGKWAN

Trivial words that hurt like a stabbing knife. Now, instead of blood, they’re a source of all-consuming guilt. Even if the argument was mutual, you want to take everything back, because the present feels empty without Seungkwan. Your phone lights up with a message before you can drown yourself in sorrow. “We’ll talk tomorrow.” and tomorrow you hope to see him.

A band-aid that’s turned useless, but cannot be taken off. It’s what remains of Seungkwan’s touch, before he left for work overseas. The material is dirty, and sticking out at ends, and you should just get rid off it, because it’s a stupid reason to hold on to. Yet here you are - just pressing it down every five minutes in silent acceptance.

Poking your head into the hallway. TV is playing in the background, but a singing voice breaks through the noise. You smile in recognition and slowly make your way forward, towards the bathroom door. Seungkwan is in the middle of a shower. Happy to catch him off-guard, you sit down by the wall and listen. No plead is enough to make him sing consciously in your presence.

The melted chocolate you forgot to hide in the fridge. Seungkwan is scowling at his fingertips, sunk in the dark brown smudge. From his eyes alone you can tell he’s about to start scowling you. “Don’t be such a baby! Just go wash them!” He’s about to argue, but you push him out of the kitchen. “We wasted perfectly good chocolate!” We? That’s a first. Although he left, you hear him smacking lips. Seungkwan couldn’t allow the sweets to just waste.

An empty sofa to your side. A soft rug in front of you. Pillows thrown around the room. And yet, you and him are sitting huddled on the armchair, something designed for one (1) user. Seungkwan has his head lying on your shoulder. You’re too engrossed in TV to notice his lack of attention to the show. With passing moments his mouth moves closer to your neck, eyes on your side profile, hands on your hip.

VERNON

Seeing him in a badly sewn beanie that you wouldn’t have given to him if he hadn’t found it in your kitchen cupboard. It’s a mess of unfinished threads and misplaced crosses. Still, Vernon assures you that he loves it. “I look pretty cool in it, right?”, the earnest smile put on display. You look for the signal of a lie, but between the messy fringe, and the perfect pearls on display, you can’t find even a trace of it.

The moment he pulls away for a breather, his eyes hooded, lips swollen. It’s afternoon, though you do not care about the time. You marvel at the shadows, dancing with purple light on his face, but can only take a mental picture. His mouth is quick to return to yours, hands right behind it. The buckle of your belt clings with the button of his jeans.

Standing on a beach during a cold afternoon. The wind plays with whatever it can touch - waves, strands of hair, the lightest grains of sand. Above the howls you can hear Vernon’s breathing. He doesn’t say anything, maybe listening to the same things as you, maybe thinking about the things beyond. But his presence triumphs over the coldness.

The feeling of being watched that pops up randomly. Always with him, always when he’s sure you’re too busy to notice, always without a word spoken, always in your peripheral vision. You can’t tell whether he just gets lost in thoughts or is admiring you, but you never point it out. Others do it for you.

The buzz of adrenaline surging through your veins when he closes the door behind him. He’s mad, but doesn’t use the piece of wood to have the last sound. He rarely raises his voice, never shows anger through strength, never takes it out on the inanimated objects. The observation instantly causes you to miss him. But you can’t decide which feeling you should listen to - fresh anger, or even fresher loneliness.

CHAN

His voice reaching your ears through the phone every night, without a day off. Sometimes it’s tired, sometimes excited, but always there. He protests whenever you tell him to just hang up and go rest. “Don’t you want to talk with me?” “Of course I do. But you sound sleepy.” “Just five more minutes!” A long silence, and then a sigh. “Alright.”

The times when the only source of comfort he accepts is your embrace. You’re lying on the couch, arms opened for his frowning face. Not a full second passes, and he’s placed on top of you, nose in the crook of your neck, hands on your sides, legs digging underneath yours. Questions are avoided with simple I missed you’s.

Collecting tears down his jawline. Offered hug is rejected, but his pushing hands are weak, unsure in their movement. You can read him like a book, though you do not admit that aloud. He wants you to stay and comfort him. Cling to him despite his attempts at rejection. Chan sniffles. This time when your arms circle him, he does nothing to stop them.

The embarrassment you have to bite down. You’re just as flattered, but the latter feeling is much easier to hide. People are watching, some giggling, honestly enjoying the show, some are feeling for the position you’re put in. Chan is still smiling widely, his pupils full of adoration. Too scared to do anything else, you decide to hide in his arms, already opened for an embrace. He’s the best type of both lovely and shameless.

Skipping down the stone stairs hand in hand. The rain has made a prompt run to shelter out of your slow afternoon walk. Suddenly, you can feel his fingers pulling at yours. Not down the stairs, but to his side. Chan slips. It’s a split second, somehow long enough to push heart up your throat. He manages to lean on the other leg to regain balance. Again, for a moment. Chan jumps down the last few stairs, straight into a puddle of rain water, successfully spraying you with the small tidal wave created from the impact. “I’m sorry!” but he laughs, so is he really?

➛ pollenat’s list of reactions

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#yes i made another 5 ways to say i love you and what about it?#seventeen fanfic #seventeen scenarios #seventeen imagines #seventeen fluff #seventeen reactions #svt fanfic #svt scenarios #svt imagines #svt fluff #svt reactions #kpop fanfic #kpop imagines #kpop fluff #kpop reactions

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ayybtch · 4 years

Text

The One

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x f!Reader

Summary: Things are going up and down for you as you try to navigate life after your breakup with Bucky. Everything leads to an accidental run-in with him at a coffee shop that leaves you and Bucky wondering if things could have been different. Based on the song The 1 by Taylor Swift.

Warnings: This is an angsty fic. The reader is actively struggling with mental illness and a breakup. There are mentions of being on antidepressants and symptoms such as anxiety, insomnia, and sometimes not having the energy for personal care, but nothing in-depth.

Word Count: 11,261

A/N: I owe a very special thank you to @borkingbarnes, who has supportively been screaming at me for writing this ever since I told her this idea and gave me some brilliant suggestions during her beta read. The dividers were made by the lovely @whimsicalrogers.

“So, how have the new meds been treating you? Are they still making you nauseous after you first take them?”

You looked across the room at your therapist and shook your head, “No, they’re not making me nauseous anymore. I’ve been making sure that I’ve got food in my stomach first and not just a cup of coffee. I’ve also been better about taking them at the same time each day,” you said.

She smiled at you. “Do you feel like they’ve been helping?”

You shrugged and offered a half-smile back. Not satisfied with your answer, she continued probing. “Well, do you feel like you have more energy than on the other meds? Are you sleeping more….?” She trailed off at the end, voice hopeful.

“Oh. Yeah, I have been sleeping a little better. I’ve been sleeping closer to 5 hours each night, though it’s still taking a really long time for me to fall asleep. I’ve had more energy but I don’t know if that’s because of the meds or the sleep?” You trailed off a bit at the end, unsure of if that truly answered her question.

“It could be a mix of both. I’m glad to hear you’re sleeping more though, you weren’t getting very much when you first started seeing me.” She offered you another smile before adjusting herself in her seat and continuing, “Now, what have you been doing with this extra energy? Any new hobbies, catching up with friends, going on dates, anything like that?”

You shook your head no. “I don’t have much of a friend group anymore, not since…” your voice faded before the sentence finished. You closed your eyes and shook your head slightly. Pull yourself together. “I am meeting Natasha after this, actually. She and I were friends before everything and she’s the only one that’s really stuck around since. It’s been about a month since I last saw her so I’m looking forward to seeing her.” The therapist nodded and offered a sympathetic smile that made your stomach turn. You decided to continue before she chimed in.

“I’m running again too. I used to go on a nightly run before things got bad. It’s not for as long or as far as I used to but it’s better than sitting on the couch, I guess.”

She nodded and began writing on her notepad, “That��s wonderful. What do you enjoy about your runs?”

Her question was unexpected and it took you a minute to answer. “It’s peaceful. It’s one of the few times I can shut my brain off and zone out. Though, if it’s a bad day it doesn't always work.”

She nodded and paused, as if trying to carefully choose her next words. “One thing I’ve noticed whenever stuff comes up is that you always talk about ‘before’, but what about the ‘after’? Have you thought about trying to get back out there and start your ‘after’?” An uncomfortable knot formed in your stomach as she spoke.

“I don’t think I’m ready for that yet,” you whispered.

She pursed her lips but didn’t say anything. Eventually, she nodded and continued to make notes.

***

The session continued for another half hour before it ended with a smile and a brief conversation with her secretary, confirming your appointment for the same time next week.

As you stepped out the door, you let out a sigh of relief. Therapy sessions were hard. Even though today’s session had been relatively mild, the process was still draining and left you feeling exhausted most days. It really helped though and making the decision to go was one of the best decisions you could have made for yourself. A smile settled on your face as you pulled your jacket tighter across your chest before beginning your walk to meet Natasha.

You had discovered soon after starting therapy that walking to and from the appointment gave you the time you needed to prepare yourself for the session and unwind after. The hustle and bustle of New York created the perfect background noise for you to organize your thoughts. Most days it helped you process the questions the therapist asked. Often, you answered them a little deeper than what you had in the session knowing that nobody would know the real answer except for you.

Guilt gnawed at you as you thought about it. Wasn’t the whole point of therapy to be honest? Were you still getting as much out of it as you could if you were completely honest? You shook your head and sighed. Sometimes there were things better left unsaid.

One of the many things that had been left unsaid had to do with what you missed most about being with him. You had shrugged it off when she asked, saying it was nice having a person around because it was less lonely. While true, the full answer was more painful than you felt comfortable admitting out loud. He had understood you in ways nobody else ever had and nobody else ever would again. It gave you the freedom to be unapologetically you every second of the day. The thought of not being known like that again and having to put on a facade felt like the loneliest existence the universe had to offer. It made your chest ache.

Today though, it gave you the chance to collect your thoughts before Natasha had the opportunity to interrogate you. To be fair, it wasn’t really an interrogation. She was far too gentle when she asked you questions, though you’re sure that’s one of the many techniques she chose from. Interrogation or not though, she would be watching you like a hawk the entire meal to make sure you were actually doing as well as you were claiming.

It wasn’t long before you were standing outside Natasha’s favorite Italian restaurant. She always recommended meeting up here purely because of the breadsticks. She swore they were the best in New York and ate at least three full baskets by herself each visit. You paused before entering, suddenly nervous about how it would go. There’s nothing to worry about, Natasha isn’t going to bring him up and isn’t going to push me past my boundaries. You weren’t quite as convinced as you would have liked to be, but you couldn’t delay it any longer as you stepped inside.

A blast of warm air surrounded you as you were greeted by the hostess. It didn’t take for her to lead you back to where Natasha was sitting, a glass of wine already in her hand. A second sat waiting on the table for you.

You walked over, bending down to give her a side hug and a peck on the cheek.

“You’re late,” she said reproachfully, eyes zeroed in on yours.

“I know, I’m sorry. My session went a little over today.” You pulled out your chair and sat down before continuing, “How are you? It’s good to see you.”

Natasha smiled brightly. “I’ve been good. I’ve been really looking forward to this, I was so happy when you said yes. It feels like it’s been years since I’ve seen you.” You grinned slightly and she continued. “I’m sorry that it’s been so long since we’ve had a chance to catch up. Work has been keeping me even busier than usual. Stark has been working on all sorts of new tech developments and has somehow recruited me for testing.”

You nodded as you took a sip of your wine, “Nothing he’s made has killed you yet. That’s impressive.”

She snorted, “He’s lucky I didn’t flat out say no. His last update to the Falcon wings sent Wilson through the ceiling and landed him in the medbay for three days with a concussion.” Natasha noticed the look of concern on your face and waved her hand as she sipped on her wine. “He’s fine, don’t worry. All of the Avengers men have skulls harder than concrete.” The two of you burst into laughter at the thought.

A waiter arrived as your laughter died down to take your orders and to refill Natasha’s wine glass. You both thanked him as he turned to walk away. A quiet settled over the table and Natasha’s gaze landed firmly on you.

“So how have you been?” she asked softly, voice far gentler than anyone would expect from a former assassin. You shrugged and avoided eye contact.

“Some days are better than others,” you said, “Overall things are better than they’ve been for a while now though. My shrink has me on some new meds that seem to be helping and I’ve been working harder on doing little things to take care of myself every day, not just the good days.”

Natasha nodded, eyes still fixed on you. Slowly, she reached a hand out across the table and placed it on top of yours. “You know I’m always here for you, right? You can call me any time of day and as long as I’m not on a mission, I can be at your apartment within the hour.”

You felt a lump form in your throat at her words. You nodded quickly, eyes blinking fast to try and keep the tears that were welling up from falling. She gave your hand a quick squeeze before pulling back.

“Now where the hell are our breadsticks? This is going to be a failed meal if I have less than twelve in me before the main dish arrives.” Her words made you burst out laughing once again and succeeded in putting a smile on your face for the remainder of the meal.

***

“Are you sure I can’t drive you back to your apartment?” Natasha asked, wrapping her scarf around her neck as the two of you stepped out of the restaurant. You nodded at her and smiled.

“I enjoy walking, it clears my mind,” you said. She let out a disapproving hum but didn’t argue further. She pulled you into a bone-crushing hug before turning and walking towards where her car was parked. You watched as she stepped in and waved as she pulled out of the parking lot. You stood and watched until her car was out of sight before turning to start the walk home.

As it was on the walk to the restaurant, the busy streets provided the perfect background noise needed for you to quiet your mind. You focused on your breathing, allowing yourself to try and channel any residual nervous energy outward. With each breath, the faces passing by began to blur. Neon signs hanging in the windows of the shops you passed by became nothing more than a gentle glow in your peripheral. With each step you took, the background seamlessly blended together more and your focus on yourself heightened. A sense of calm settled itself in your chest. The feeling grew stronger with each block you passed until a small smile made its way onto your face. That feeling ended abruptly as you turned around the next block.

There was a large crowd waiting at the bus stop, but your eyes focused on one man. You stared at his silhouette, panic building with each second. It felt like the wind had been knocked out of you and your feet had magically turned into cinder blocks. Is that...? No, it couldn’t be…

Almost as if he heard your thoughts, the man turned slightly so you could see his face, and a sigh of relief left you. You stood there a moment longer to examine his side profile. It wasn’t him; he just happened to look like him. He was about the same height and weight, with similar chocolate waves. Your eyes landed on his light brown leather jacket and a lump formed in your throat. He had worn a similar jacket the day you met. It felt like being thrown back in time as you continued to stare at the man in front of you.

Natasha drug you through a hallway, not caring about your protests to slow down. “I have someone I want you to meet.” She smirked as she spoke, leaving you to wonder what she was plotting.

A group of choices greeted the two of you as you entered the room. You waved at Steve and Sharon sitting on the couch as Natasha continued to pull you across the room to where two men were standing. One of the men was Sam, whom you had met the last time Natasha brought you to the compound. The other was Bucky Barnes. You hadn’t met him before but you knew who he was. It was impossible not to given how public everything about Hydra had become.

“Barnes, I have someone I’d like you to meet,” Natasha said, turning slightly towards you.

Bucky turned to look at you, offering a charming smile as he held out his hand. “Nice to meet you, ma’am. I’m Bucky.”

You shook his hand and introduced yourself, hoping to god you didn’t look as flustered as you felt. The pictures of him floating around on the news did not do him justice. Bucky was absolutely breathtaking. His smile lit up his eyes in a way no camera could ever hope to capture. His hair was cropped just above his shoulders, falling into a beautiful wavy pattern. You realized you were staring and felt your face get hot.

“Uh, I like your jacket,” you mumbled, hoping he hadn’t realized you were staring. The leather jacket was a beautiful light brown. It looked old, but well loved at the same time.

He smiled widely at you, “Thanks! Leather jackets are kind of my thing. Sam here thinks I have too many but there’s no such thing as too many leather jackets, wouldn’t you agree?”

As the memory floated away, you couldn’t help but think how Bucky probably would’ve gone up to the man to ask about his jacket. You chuckled at the thought. As soon as he walked away, he would’ve immediately started looking up where he could find one for his own closet. It didn’t matter how many leather jackets he had. He always wanted more.

The chuckle died on your lips and was replaced by an uncomfortable knot settling in your stomach. A heavy weight fell on your chest and you forced yourself to find the energy to trudge forward.

The remainder of the walk was a blur, but not in the same way it had been before. This wasn’t the good kind of blur that helped you to focus. It was the kind that left you feeling suffocated and as if everything would come crashing down all at once. That had been the first happy thought about Bucky since the two of you broke up. His presence in your thoughts was so strong, he might as well have been walking right next to you. You could practically feel his knuckles brushing against yours with each step you took. If you closed your eyes, you swore you could smell his cologne.

The harsh reality of how alone you were hit you as the greeting from your apartment’s doorman pulled you from your thoughts. You shot him a small smile before rushing inside and all but sprinting up the stairs. Your hands shook as you unlocked the door to your apartment, though you couldn't tell if it was from your thoughts of Bucky or from the sudden burst of energy that left you slightly winded.

Once inside, you rushed to your bedroom and changed into the first sports bra and pair of leggings you saw. You needed to get Bucky off your mind and the only way you knew how was to run. It was going to be a long run tonight.

The doorman waved at you again as you exited the building, surprised to see you again so soon. “Someone is feeling motivated today I see,” he joked. You shrugged and slowly began to jog.

***

It took a while to get into your groove, but once you were there you felt good. The movement helped settle the anxious energy that had been building since you had seen the man at the bus stop, while the steady breathing brought your focus back to the here and now just like it had before. That’s something else to mention if she asks about my runs again, you thought. These runs bring my focus to this exact moment in time.

That thought was lost as you passed a small, hole in the wall theater. Small groups were exiting the building, each talking excitedly amongst themselves about the movie that had just finished. The nauseous feeling from earlier came back as memories resurfaced. That was Bucky’s favorite movie theater. Every Sunday they played movies from the 1920s and 1930s. He used to drag you along with him whenever he saw one he remembered from his childhood. Each time he swore up and down that you were about to experience a cinematic masterpiece like no other and that it would change the way you looked at movies. You always rolled your eyes as he said it, but the magic you felt in that theater with him was like no other.

Movies made back then were so different from the movies made now. The characters felt so much more real. They were allowed to be people. Their faults and flaws didn’t take away from the good things about them. These films never failed to make you feel all of the emotions you were meant to feel and each time you exited the theater, you couldn’t help but wish you could’ve remained in that little bubble just a few minutes longer. Those bittersweet feelings about the ending never lasted long though, as Bucky would wrap his arm around your shoulder and proceed to talk your ear off about the movie until you made it home.

“You know Doll, the greatest films of all time were never made,” he said, smiling down at you.

You just laughed and shook your head.“Bucky that makes absolutely no sense.”

Bucky rolled his eyes dramatically, making you laugh again. “Think about it though, how many movies haven’t been made because someone decided they weren’t good enough for the big screen? How many stories have been brought into existence but never been told to another living soul?”

A car horn brought you back into reality. Bitterness crept into your chest as you processed the memory that had just played out picture-perfect in your mind. Those afternoons with him in the theater had been some of the best afternoons of your life. Even if you weren’t crazy about the movie, Bucky’s sheer excitement about it was enough to convince you of how wonderful it truly was. If only he had felt that same amount of joy in other areas of your relationship.

Your bitterness slowly began to turn to anger as you thought about the last few months of being with Bucky. Sunday matinees had stopped being a regular thing as Bucky’s work schedule picked up until they stopped happening entirely. His new position training new SHIELD agents and prospective new members to the Avenger ate away at his time. All of his time. It got to the point Bucky never stopped working. Even at home, his thoughts were on paperwork to be filed, training to be planned, or meetings to be run. You’d be sitting on the couch next to him trying to talk only to receive disinterested “hmms” or the occasional “That’s nice honey.”

You tried bringing it up to no avail. He always brushed it off and said things would calm down eventually and that he just needed you to hold out a bit longer. He never outright said his work was more important to him but the implication was there and you felt the weight of it every single day. You bit your tongue and played along for a while, but after several months of hearing the same excuses, you finally snapped. Unfortunately, so did Bucky.

“All you ever do is work. I can’t remember the last time we went and did something together. Hell, I can’t even remember the last time you cared enough to even ask me about my day. It’s like you don’t even want me around anymore,” you hissed, glaring at Bucky.

“Excuse me for caring about my fucking job. One of us has to if we’re going to continue affording this place,” he scoffed.

Ice filled your veins as you stared at him, fist clenched at your side. “And what is that supposed to mean?”

“Oh come on, we both know you’re barely getting your work done on time. You lay here on the couch all day watching TV. You’re lucky you’re allowed to work from home because you look like a walking disaster half the time. You’ve stopped wearing clean clothes, you hardly shower, you hardly eat, and you hardly sleep. Face it, you’re depressed.” His voice was flat as he spoke.

You furiously blinked back tears that were trying to well up as you processed his words. “First of all, I am not depressed,” you muttered, “Second, if I’m such a walking disaster then what are you even still doing here?”

“I am still here because I care about you. I have lost track of how many times I have asked you to get help. I’ve been where you are, I know what you’re going through and I know what it takes to come back from it. If you never bleed, you’re never going to grow. If you can’t move past this, then we -” he paused to motion between the two of you “- can’t move past this.” His eyes never left yours as he spoke. There was no malice in them, but there was also none of the kindness or warmth you wished for. His gaze just felt indifferent.

You remained silent as you tried to find words. Bucky continued watching you, waiting expectantly for a response. A response never came, however, and he let out a loud sigh.

“If you don’t have anything to say to that, then I think we’re done here. I can’t keep doing this anymore. I love you, but neither of us is happy. I can’t give you what you want and you can’t give me what I need,” Without another word, Bucky grabbed his coat and walked out the front door of the apartment.

That was the last time that you saw Bucky. He had sent you a text a few days later asking when a good time to come pick up his stuff would be. You responded begrudgingly, telling yourself that the sooner his stuff was gone the sooner your life could get back to normal. When the day came, you forced yourself to get out of the apartment. The thought of seeing him after what went down between you left you seeing red. When you finally went back after he left, you felt none of the happy emotions you had convinced yourself you would feel.

Instead, you felt the empty spots in the room. Every missing item you noticed felt like a blow to the stomach and caused fresh tears to well up in your eyes. Pictures were no longer hanging from the walls; random gaps were in the bookshelves; his leather jacket was no longer slung across the back of the chair he loved in the living room. You stumbled back to your room with your eyes closed, refusing to see what other memories had been ripped from their rightful homes. Once there, you collapsed on the bed and laid there for two days. It wasn’t until Natasha broke into your apartment to check on you after countless missed calls and ignored texts that you finally moved from that spot.

For the millionth time that day, your stomach twisted as thoughts of Bucky floated around in your head. Despite it all, you regretted not being there when he came to get his things. There was never a proper goodbye between you and the thought drove you mad sometimes. Maybe if I had been there, we could’ve worked this out. You scoffed at the thought, but couldn’t deny the heaviness lingering in your chest.

At times you considered reaching out to him, wondering if he would be willing to give you the closure you so desperately needed. Even if it was just over text, it might be better than the nothing you currently had. You still had his number. The two of you even still followed each other on social media. He liked what few posts you made, but you had never been able to bring yourself to look at the stuff he posted. The lines of communication were there, you just had to use them. But communication is a two-way street; if he wanted to talk to you, he’d reach out. Right? That thought had kept you from texting him more times than you could possibly count.

Questions about what could have happened that day swirled throughout your head as your feet pounded against the pavement. Could you have fixed things, or would it still have ended in breaking up? Could you have agreed to still be friends? Would you have at least been able to say goodbye, or would he have walked silently out the door again?

The thoughts continued to plague you until the ache in your legs was too strong to take another step. Out of breath, you looked around at where you stopped trying to figure out how far you had run. It wasn’t until you noticed the fountain about a dozen feet behind you that you realized where you were.

Tony had once rented out a plaza nearby for a 1920s themed fundraiser gala the first year you and Bucky were dating. The gala was the first public event you ever attended with him, though it certainly hadn’t been your last. Natasha had taken you shopping and helped you find a flapper-style dress leading up to it. The two of you did your hair and makeup together, giggling about how you felt like you were getting ready for a high school dance. When you stepped out of the room with Natasha, Bucky wasn’t able to speak. He spent the whole night staring at you like a lovestruck teenager, only to turn bright red whenever someone mentioned it.

Towards the end of the night, you and Bucky had drunkenly stumbled out of the plaza to escape the crowd and found your way over to this fountain. Rather, you had stumbled out drunkenly. Bucky wasn’t affected by human alcohol and hardly had any of the Asgardian mead Thor had so generously brought. While he was a little more cheery than usual, he wasn’t intoxicated enough to even pretend like he was tipsy.

A giggle left your lips as you stumbled forward. “Bucky, I need to find somewhere to sit down. I need to take off my heels.”

Bucky laughed at you and picked you up, carrying you bridal style. He spun around slowly as he searched for somewhere he could set you down. His eyes eventually settled on the fountain and began walking towards it. He carefully set you down before sitting down next to you. His eyes were fixed on you as you took off your shoes, a sigh of relief leaving your mouth as you did. You smiled over at him, before turning around to stare at the fountain in wonder. A giggle left your lips as you pulled up your dress and began walking around in the fountain.

You laughed any time you went through a jet of water. The temperature difference was soothing against your skin and almost left a tickling sensation as you passed. Eventually, you arrived back at where he was sitting and the smile on his face filled your stomach with butterflies. You bent down slightly to press your lips against his, your hands making their way through his hair. His hands landed on your hips and pulled you closer to him. You felt dizzy as he held you, though you weren’t sure if it was him or the glasses of champagne. You pulled away abruptly as an idea struck you, leading to Bucky’s eyes opening in confusion. His gaze fell upon the mischievous look you wore and he opened his mouth to speak. Before he managed to make a sound, your hands left his hair and were reaching down to splash water onto him.

He tried to catch your hands to stop you, but you stepped back just out of reach, but not far enough you couldn’t keep splashing him. Without a word, he reached down to take off his shoes and socks. A gasp left you as he stepped into the fountain and you rushed to hide behind the fountain’s centerpiece. He chased after you, hands eventually catching your waist and spinning you around to face him. He stared down at you, wonder and adoration written on his face. He slowly leaned forward to press his lips against yours.

The dizzy feeling from before came back, though this time you could say with absolute certainty it was because of the man standing in front of you. His lips were so soft against yours, yet still carried such a force they left you breathless. Fireworks had nothing on how he made you feel. No words could ever hope to describe the love and adoration bursting in your chest.

This time, he was the one to pull back first. He moved his lips up slightly, pressing a kiss to your nose and your forehead before leaning his head against yours. “Would you like to dance?”

You nodded and the two of you began to slow dance in the fountain. You don’t know how long you were in the fountain dancing; it felt like eternity paused to give you and your love all the time the universe had to give so you could enjoy this moment a little longer. The only sensations tying you to reality were Bucky’s warmth and the cool water moving at your feet as Bucky spun you around. You pulled away slightly and smiled at him. “We should make a wish,” you said.

Bucky looked at you with confusion. “A wish?”

You nodded, a small smile filling your face, “You know, toss some coins into the fountain and make a wish as we do.”

The laugh that left his lips made your heart flutter. “I don’t think this is a wishing-well. Although -” he paused to laugh again, “-I hardly think they meant for anyone to dance around in it either, so why not.” One of his hands left yours and reached into his pocket, looking for his wallet. He opened it and pulled out two pennies and handed one to you. “It looks like we only get one wish each tonight, so we’d better make it a good one.”

You stared down at the penny in your hand, wondering what wish could possibly be better than the night you were currently having with Bucky. The wish hit you suddenly, a smile breaking out on your face. You pressed your lips to the penny and wished with all your might, ‘I wish for us to have more moments like this together, from now through the rest of our days”. You opened your eyes and tossed the penny outward. Bucky’s coin was soon nestled safely at the bottom of the fountain with yours.

“What did you wish for?” he asked, pulling you back into his arms to continue dancing.

“I can’t tell you or it won’t come true,” you teased, pressing a quick kiss to his cheek as he spun you. “And let me tell you, I really want this wish to come true.”

Bucky chuckled, “Me too honey, me too.”

Your eyes came back into focus and a quiet sob left you. You stood in front of the fountain and cried into your hands, cursing all of the emotions you felt. That night had left you convinced that Bucky Barnes was the one. You had fallen asleep dreaming of dancing like that with him at your wedding. But now? Now all you wanted to do was scream. You wanted to scream at him, at yourself, and at the universe for being cruel enough to lead you back to this fountain without him at your side.

As the tears began to slow, a new kind of weight settled in your chest. He really could have been the one. He could have been everything you dreamed of and more, but there was nothing you could do to go back in time to change things. He decided to walk out that door and leave you with nothing more than an empty space in your heart, one to match the empty spaces he left in your apartment.

The questions the therapist had asked you started ringing through your ears as you continued to stare blankly at the fountain. What about the ‘after’? Maybe she had a point bringing it up today. You were still stuck in the ‘before’. Maybe it was finally time to start moving on. Missing items could be replaced; missing love could be given by someone else. All you had to do was make the decision to take your first steps into the ‘after’.

Your feet remained glued in place as you tried to make sense of it all.

You were confused as to where you were. Looking around, nothing seemed familiar. It wasn’t until a familiar silhouette caught your attention that you realized where you were. Bucky stood at the top of the mountain, staring down at the canyon below. Green trees and bushes lined the ground and the air was filled with the sound of birds chirping. The view was beautiful, but you couldn’t stop staring at Bucky. He looked the same, yet something felt different. Bucky seemed calmer than you had seen him in years, almost as if all of his stress had faded away. His body language was relaxed and he seemed to be in no rush to leave where he was.

Suddenly, the once green mountain top was now covered in a blanket of snow. Bucky was now wearing a thick winter coat and was strapping his feet onto a snowboard. He soon had his helmet and goggles on and began his descent down the mountain. It felt like you were flying along with him as you watched him expertly weave his way through the trees. The ease at which he moved confused you. Since when did Bucky know how to snowboard? He expressed wanting to try but never had while you were together. Confusion clouded your mind until Bucky reached the bottom of the mountain and came to a halt. He removed his helmet and a look of pure exhilaration filled his face. His excitement made your heart burst. As you reached out to try and touch him, the scene changed once again.

This time you were in the middle of the ocean. The vast expanse of blue was the only visible thing in sight other than Bucky. He was in full scuba gear, just floating there waiting. He was so still that if it weren't for the stream of bubbles that came with each exhale, you wouldn’t have been able to tell if he was breathing. Out of nowhere, a shape appeared in the distance. As it got closer, you felt your stomach drop. A large shark swam slowly towards Bucky. You rolled your eyes at the realization. Of course, he would go swimming with sharks with no safety cage. That idiot had no respect for your nerves or your -

You were woken up abruptly by the sound of your phone ringing. You groaned and cursed yourself for it somehow not being on silent. In your confused state, you reached out and slowly felt around on the top of your nightstand trying to find your phone. Once you found it, you tilted the screen so you could see who was calling. A beautiful picture of Natasha filled your screen and you sighed. Only Natasha could call randomly and happen to wake you up from a dream about Bucky. You pressed the answer button and begrudgingly brought the phone to your ear.

“Morning, you better have a good reason for waking me up,” you mumbled, letting out a yawn as you finished speaking.

“It’s past noon, you know. Most decent people are already up by now,” You could hear the smile in her voice as she spoke.

“Shut up. It’s still morning if I haven’t gotten out of bed yet. What do you want? I was having a nice dream.”

Your gruff response got a laugh from Natasha. “Well I was calling to see how your Tinder date went last night, but now I’m wondering if I should be asking what you were dreaming about that has you being this testy,” she teased.

You rubbed your eyes and groaned, “The dream was nothing special, I’m just mad you woke me up. The Tinder date was also nothing to write home about. The guy was awful. He started off super charming like they always do, but he got snappy with our waitress and then tried to get snappy with me when I called him out on it. I paid for my half of the bill and left as quickly as I could.”

“Ugh, gross. Men are actually the worst,” Natasha said. You hummed in agreement and she continued, “So are you ready for me to start setting you up, or are you going to keep giving these Tinder people a try?”

You sighed and paused for a moment to think. “Nat, I know you’re trying to help but the only people you have that you can set me up with are all SHIELD employees. I don’t see it ending well if I go down that path given my prior dating history.”

A scoff came through the phone. “He’s dating again too, so he has no right to be pissy about anything if that’s what you’re worried about. Besides, he was also the one who ended it so he doubly has no right to be upset.”

You sat up straight as she spoke, your stomach dropping at the thought. “He’s dating again?” Your voice sounded small, smaller than it had in ages.

This time it was Natasha’s turn to pause before responding. “Yes. He’s taken a few of the receptionists here out on coffee dates, but nothing seems to be sticking. If Wilson is to be believed, he’s also on Tinder. I can’t imagine that’s working out very well for him either though.”

You felt nauseous, but you forced yourself to pause to recenter your thoughts. Of course he would be dating again. It’s been almost a year since you broke up. If you’re dating again, it only makes sense that he is as well. He deserves to be happy too. A heavy sigh left you, “Well, I hope he’s having better luck than I am.”

***

You were on the phone with Natasha for another twenty minutes before she had to go. It felt nice catching up with her, and the two of you made plans for another lunch get together later in the week. The conversation had quickly transitioned away from dating, but the fact Bucky was dating again lingered in the back of your mind for the entirety of the call.

You had been on Tinder for a while now, but somehow it never occurred to you that he might be too. How does a superhero just casually join the worst dating app in existence? Do people actually believe it’s him when they come across his profile? You couldn’t help but snort at the thought. Conversations on dating apps sucked enough as it is, but having to try and prove you’re who you say you are the way Bucky must have to certainly would make it that much less enjoyable.

Almost as if it knew you were thinking about it, a Tinder notification popped up on your lock screen. You opened up the app and saw two new messages from someone you had matched with. You typed out a response and then proceeded to scroll through the list of other potential matches. Most of the profiles you looked at were immediate no’s, but there were a few you swiped right on. It never ceased to amaze you how bad the men on this app were at smiling in pictures. Most of them had only a slight grin in one or two pictures. Any profile with a man properly smiling almost always got a swipe right. The only other type of picture that had that sort of response was for cute cats and dogs.

You continued to swipe, pausing occasionally to respond to a message. Out of nowhere, a familiar pair of blue eyes started staring up at you, causing you to nearly drop your phone in surprise. Of course the day you find out Bucky is on Tinder is the day you come across his profile. You quickly took a screenshot before swiping left and exiting out of the app. You sent the screenshot to Natasha. She responded almost immediately, Guess Wilson was telling the truth 🙄

You laughed at her response as you got out of bed, ready to finally start your day.

***

A sigh of relief left you as you collapsed on your couch after spending most of the afternoon running errands. It hadn’t been anything too bad, but that didn’t stop you from being thankful it was over. You laid there for a few minutes, just enjoying the stillness and the comfort of being on your couch. Once settled, you reached over to the coffee table and grabbed the glass of wine you had poured, and opened up your phone.

You opened up Snapchat and responded to the few snaps you had from Natasha and other friends before opening up Instagram. You mindlessly watched people’s stories, skipping through any of the ones that didn’t interest you. You paused however on Bucky’s.

He was standing next to a beautiful woman, each of them holding a painting in one hand and a glass of wine in the other. Both of them had smiles that filled their faces. You stared at the picture, unsure of what you should be feeling. On one hand, it was nice seeing him so relaxed and happy. His posture reminded you eerily of how he looked in your dream. On the other hand, you couldn’t help but feel a touch of bitterness. You had practically begged him to go with you to a wine and paint night while you were together. He always used work as an excuse, either he was too tired from work or he had too much work left to do. You stared at the picture for a minute longer, wondering if they’d be going home together or parting ways for the night. You sighed, shaking your head at your own stupidity before continuing to scroll.

The wind blew violently around you as you struggled to make your way up the street. The weather turned unexpectedly as you were out on your run, so you rushed towards the closest coffee shop hoping to wait out the weather and avoid having to pay for a cab back home. The barista greeted you as you stepped inside and you offered her a smile.

“What can I get for you?” she asked.

You stared up at the menu, considering your options. “One large hazelnut latte and a cinnamon roll, please.”

She entered everything into the computer and you held out your card for her. Once your payment was processed, you turned to find a seat. The coffee shop was crowded, no doubt due to the bad weather driving people indoors. You looked around unsuccessfully and had almost resigned yourself to standing when a familiar voice called out.

You jumped at the sound. You turned around and made eye contact with Bucky Barnes for the first time since he walked out your front door. He was sitting there grinning ear to ear, almost as if he was genuinely happy to see you. The thought made your heart burst and it was impossible to hold back an equally big smile.

“Hey Bucky, how’s it going?”

“It’s going really well! Thanks for asking,” he paused and looked around before continuing, “Do you want to sit down? There’s not a lot of seating left and it’s just me here.” His hand gestured towards the empty seat across from him as he spoke.

You paused, unsure of if you should take it or continue to look elsewhere. You looked around the room for an empty seat but didn’t see any. Well, I guess we’re doing this. You stepped forward and mumbled out a thanks as you sat down.

“I’m kind of surprised to see you here if I’m honest. I didn’t think you came to this part of the city very often,” he said, taking a sip of his coffee. You couldn’t help but laugh.

“I generally don’t. The weather took a bit of a nasty turn while I was out on my run. I stepped in hoping that by the time I’m ready to leave it’ll have calmed down.”

Another smile broke out across his face as you spoke. “You’re running again? That’s awesome.” He sounded sincere as he spoke which made you smile back.

You nodded, but before you could respond the barista arrived with your coffee and cinnamon roll. You thanked her and took a long sip of your coffee, enjoying the warmth you felt as you did. An awkward silence filled the air as both of you tried to size the other up. You decided to break the silence.

“So, what��s new with you?”

***

An hour later, the two of you were still chatting away happily at the table. Once the conversation started, it didn’t stop. Everything felt like it had at the start of your relationship: easy, comfortable, and filled with excitement. The only pauses that occurred were when the barista refilled both of your coffees and brought Bucky a cinnamon roll, which he ordered after you spent five minutes going on about how incredible it was.

One of the things you had forgotten about being around Bucky was the warmth he exuded. Even on his worst days, he had the unwavering ability to make the room feel safe. You couldn’t ever quite pin down whether it had to do with his cologne being a comforting smell or if that’s just who he was. All you knew is that he always left you aching to lean into his chest and stay there until you absolutely couldn’t. Needless to say, today it left you feeling quite confused given everything that had happened between you.

The thoughts you had several months ago about getting closure were brought back to the forefront of your mind. How had things gotten so bad between you? How had both of you let this wonderful thing fall to pieces without even one final attempt at holding it together? Each little pause in the conversation as you transitioned between topics left you aching to ask all of the questions you had. Everything was so easy and so smooth between you today that you almost felt hope that things were salvageable between you. Maybe, just maybe, your fountain wish could still come true. As you were finally working up the courage to ask, his next sentence knocked all other thoughts out of your head.

“Did you hear that Steve and Sharon are finally engaged? Took that meathead long enough to ask.”

A gasp left your mouth, “No way! It’s about freaking time. Have they picked a date yet?”

He nodded. “First weekend in June. Sharon’s already picked their wedding colors too; sage green and rose gold. She explicitly said she picked rose gold because she wants to serve that rosé champagne you introduced her to. It’s still her favorite to this day.”

A bittersweet smile made its way onto your face as you thought about what he said. You had brought two bottles of that sparking rosé to a dinner Sharon hosted once, back when she and Steve were still circling around their feelings for each other. Sharon had barely taken her first sip before asking you for details on where you bought it. Ever since, Sharon always had a bottle in her fridge. Her friendship was the one you missed the most after the breakup. There had been a few half-hearted attempts from both of you to reach out, but each time her responses felt forced. Eventually you stopped trying.

“Well, I’m sure it’ll be a beautiful wedding. They deserve it,” you said. A chuckle left your lips as a new thought entered your head. “How on Earth is Steve going to choose between you and Sam for best man?”

Bucky joined in on your laughter, making your stomach do summersault after summersault. “Sam and I were actually wondering the same thing, but apparently they’ve decided to not do a bridal party. That makes things easy for me though. I get to kick back and enjoy the wedding knowing I have no responsibilities.”

The idea of Bucky having a blast at a wedding made you smile. The smile faded slightly as you realized this meant Bucky was now going to need a date for this wedding. Images of him in a fancy suit, twirling another woman around the way he had in the fountain with you flashed before your eyes. You felt your heart breaking all over again at the thought of how it could’ve been you if you hadn’t fucked it all up. How stupid could you have been thinking the two of you could talk things out after all this time. He’s probably already planning on asking that girl from the wine and paint night to go with him. She had appeared on his social media several times since that night and each time it made your chest ache a little more. Bucky’s voice broke you from your thoughts.

“Hey, you okay?”

You swallowed thickly and nodded. You tried smiling but felt yourself falter and knew he noticed it too. “Yeah, just caught up in my thoughts.” You needed to get out of here and fast. Conveniently, your phone screen lit up and you were able to fake gasp at the time. “Oh my god, look how late it is. I really should get going.”

Bucky stared at you, unsure of how to respond to the sudden change in the atmosphere. You stood and rushed to collect your things.

“It was really nice seeing you again Bucky,” you said, offering him a half-smile as you take your first steps away from the table. He nodded, still looking unconvinced.

“It really was. Maybe we could do this again sometime?” He asked, trying his hardest to keep too much optimism from creeping into his voice.

Your eyes went wide with surprise, but you slowly nodded. “Yeah, maybe.”

The same awkward silence from before filled the air, only this time neither of you seemed to know how to break it. You offered a small wave and made your way out the door, refusing to turn around and hug him despite how strongly your body was screaming at you to do so.

Bucky stood there staring after you until you were out of sight. A sigh left him after you rounded a corner and he began to collect his things.

***

Bucky had made his way back to the Avengers compound with relative ease, though his mind was still stuck back at the coffee shop with you. He had nearly choked on his coffee when he saw you walk in and hardly realized what he was doing when he called out to you. His mind had started screaming at him from the second he offered you a seat and apparently had yet to find a good enough reason to stop. Talking to you had been magical. He had forgotten how well the two of you meshed once a conversation was started. Nobody else had ever been able to keep up with his constant jumping between topics, not even Sam and Steve. You never made him feel bad for his quick transitions; you just understood and accepted that was the way his mind worked. Even after all that time, you took it all in stride.

An unexpected slam of a cabinet door caught his attention as he made his way through the communal kitchen. Sam was standing there, unloading dishes from the dishwasher. Bucky greeted the man with a gentle nod of the head as he pulled out one of the barstools to sit.

“That was a long coffee shop visit, you run into a cute girl there?” Sam teased, smirk playing across his face.

“I ran into her.”

Sam’s motions paused as he processed Bucky’s words. He looked up at his friend, who was conveniently not meeting his gaze, unsure of how to respond. “Her as in…?”

Bucky nodded and Sam let out a slow puff of air. “How are you feeling?” Sam asked cautiously.

It took a few minutes for Bucky to find the words. “You know Sammy, I actually don’t know. There are too many contradictory feelings in my head to pinpoint just one.” He finally looked up and met Sam’s eyes.

Sam motioned for him to continue.

“It was so nice to see her again and talk to her. It made me feel like things were back when we were both still head over heels in love with each other. She’s doing so well. She’s made huge progress mentally, she’s been given a promotion at work, she’s just out there living her life. It made me so happy to see...

“But the happier I got sitting there talking to her, the angrier I got with myself for being such an ass while I was with her. Who has a woman like that in their life and chooses to ignore her for work? What kind of jerk does that?” He paused for a moment, staring down at his feet before continuing.

“There was a moment where she looked at me and I looked at her and I just knew we were both wondering where the hell we went so wrong. She looked like she wanted to say something so badly, but decided against it and just...got up and left. I kinda deserved it though-” he let out a dark chuckle, “- it’s what I did to her after all.”

Sam had continued unloading the dishes as Bucky spoke, trying to keep things casual while he got everything off his chest. Once Sam knew Bucky was done, he paused and rested both hands on the counter to give his friend his full attention.

“Yeah, you were an ass who put work first. She was a great girl who loved you unconditionally. You let her down and yourself down too. But she also had her issues that contributed to what happened. It’s not all on you.” Sam shot a reassuring smile at Bucky.

Bucky nodded, knowing Sam was right. He couldn’t help but sigh and put his head in his hands though as more thoughts swirled around in his head. “I can’t help but think about how my actions probably worsened things for her though, you know? She was depressed for a while before I started acting that way, but I certainly didn’t help the situation. And just...I walked out on her. I walked out and didn’t even give her a proper goodbye.”

Sam stood still and nodded along. “You did, but what you’re forgetting is that you also did because it was also the best thing for you at the time. Both of you were unhappy with who the other was becoming at that time. Sometimes breaking up is the best route to take and they don’t always end with a clear-cut goodbye. You guys may have missed out on some closure, but if today went as well as you said it did, maybe you’ve got a different kind of closure coming down the pipe.”

Bucky’s eyebrows furrowed and he looked up at his friend. “What do you mean?”

Sam rolled his eyes and laughed softly, “Man, what did your dumb ass do with girls before I came along?” He continued laughing for a moment before resuming, “What I’m getting at is that if today went as well as you think before the awkward ending, what if there’s a possibility of reconciling? Even if it’s not in a romantic sense, you could always try and be friends.”

For a moment, Bucky’s heart surged. Maybe Sam was right, maybe things could be fixed. He knew things were going well before you got up to leave, maybe he could try and make things right.

Then, the memory of how uneasy and uncomfortable you looked at the end of the conversation replayed in his mind. He felt his throat tighten and tears well up in his eyes. You didn’t want him back. He had his chance today and he blew it.

He shook his head slowly and whispered, “I don’t think that’s going to happen, Sammy.”

***

Sam eventually let the topic drop and Bucky was free to make his way back to his rooms. A familiar meow rang out from across the room and was soon followed by the sound of excited footsteps rushing towards him. Alpine rubbed himself against Bucky’s legs, meowing expectantly. He chuckled and crouched down to rub Alpine’s ears.

“Hey there buddy, did you miss me?”

Alpine meowed, almost as if to say yes. Bucky smiled and picked up the cat before standing up. He made his way to his bedroom and let Alpine jump down onto the bed once they were close enough. His boots were kicked off haphazardly at the foot of the bed before he climbed into bed. Alpine came and curled up under one of his arms, purring slightly as he did. A sigh left him as he mindlessly pet the cat and adjusted his position until he was comfortable.

Bucky’s thoughts turned back to you almost immediately. His heart ached as he began to relive the night he knew he had fallen in love with you. How he wished he could go back in time and experience it all over again.

“So, Stark is holding a fundraiser in about three weeks. I was wondering if you’d like to come with me?” Bucky asked.

The smile on your face made his heart flutter. “Of course! What’s the dress code?” you asked. “I’m not sure if I have anything fancy enough to wear to a Stark gala.”

“It’s a 1920s theme. I’m not entirely sure what he means by that though, considering I was barely old enough to remember the first half of the decade.”

A teasing smile broke out across your face as he spoke. “So what you're telling me is the oldest man in the room somehow still isn’t old enough to remember the roaring twenties? Tsk tsk,” Your teasing tone made him laugh and lean over to kiss you.

“I’ll have you know young lady -” he paused to place kisses all over your face “- this is a completely unacceptable thing to say. Don’t you know you should respect your elders?” You continued to giggle as he continued to kiss you.

***

On the day of the gala, you were whisked away early in the day by Natasha. She claimed the whole day was needed to properly prepare, which left Bucky standing there rolling his eyes. But when you finally stepped out of the elevator into the lobby of the compound, Bucky felt his heart stop. You looked ethereal. The flapper style dress you were wearing fit you perfectly, your hair was elegantly framing your face, and your lips were painted the most perfect shade of red he had ever seen. He couldn’t keep his eyes off you the entire night.

By the end of the night, the champagne finally had gone to your head and you were desperate to leave. You grabbed his hand giggling, rushing as quickly as you could out of the reserved plaza. You stumbled a few times over the uneven cobblestones, so he kept a hand on your waist just in case.

“Bucky, I need to find somewhere to sit down. I need to take off my heels.” you giggled as you spoke, making his heart flutter for the millionth time that night. Without a word, he picked you up bridal style and slowly spun around as he searched for somewhere you could sit.

His eyes landed on a large fountain a short distance away and he began walking towards it. You settled comfortably into his arms, with one hand sneaking under his tux jacket and gripping gently onto his shirt just over his heart. Bucky wondered if you could tell it was about ready to beat out of his chest as he leaned slightly to set you down on the fountain’s edge. He had hardly sat down next to you before your heels were kicked off. It was amazing how much more relaxed you looked just from doing that.

He was so focused on how beautiful you looked he almost didn’t hear you giggle or realize what you were about to do. His jaw dropped slightly as you stood in front of him in the fountain, dress pulled up slightly as you waded in.

Bucky’s eyes never left you as you walked around, letting out the cutest laughs with each stream of water that you walked under. When you arrived back at where he was sitting and his whole world stopped as you bent forward to press your sweet lips against his. Your hands found their way to his hair as his made their way to your hips. With every ounce of his being, he wished his hands could make their home. They belonged there, allowing him to hold you so tightly against him it was almost impossible to tell where his body stopped and yours began.

It startled him when you pulled away suddenly, but the confusion didn’t last long as he was met with a handful of water and mischievous laughter. The splashing was relentless. You refused to stop despite him begging for you to quit it. He rushed to remove his shoes and socks so he could jump into the fountain with you. The excited squeal that left your mouth as you started rushing through the water trying to escape him made him grin. He was going to catch you and you knew it. That didn’t stop you from trying to delay the inevitable though. You tried to hide behind the fountain's centerpiece and to fake which direction you were going to run. When you decided to leave the safety of the centerpiece, he had you back in his arms facing him within seconds.

As he watched your face, the overwhelming urge to confess the extent of his feelings filled his chest. He loved you. He had known for weeks now, but staring at your beautiful face reaffirmed it so deeply in his soul that it felt like an integral part of who he was now. Bucky opened his mouth to speak, but the words failed him. Instead, he leaned forward and he channeled everything he had into a kiss. He wanted this to be the kind of kiss written about in fairytales; one that leaves audiences tearing up over and longing for. He hoped you felt everything he didn’t have the courage to say tonight and the small voice in his head hoped you felt the same.

He felt you smile into the kiss, making his heart swell. He pulled away gently after a moment, staying close enough to press kisses across your face. You had told him once how special you felt when he did it; now he couldn't stop doing it. He needed you to know how special you were to him, how loved you were in his arms. When he was satisfied, he rested his forehead against yours. An idea struck him and he smiled at you, “Would you like to dance?”

You nodded and he began to lead you in a slow dance throughout the fountain. He had never felt more grateful for the dancing experience he gained in his youth and that it was a skill he somehow kept throughout the years of brainwashing and torture. The feeling of your body against his calmed his mind and kept his focus from wandering back to the past. The only thing he wanted to think about right now was how beautiful you were and how lucky he was to have you.

After a few minutes of him leading you aimlessly around the fountain, you pulled away gently and looked up at him with a smile. “We should make a wish.”

His face twisted with confusion. “A wish?”

You smiled as you nodded at him, “You know, toss some coins into the fountain and make a wish as we do.”

Bucky laughed as he thought about how much like a fairytale this night was turning into. Apparently his kiss had done the trick. “I don’t think this is a wishing-well. Although -” he chuckled again, “-I hardly think they meant for anyone to dance around in it either, so why not.”

Reluctantly, he let go of your hand and fished around in his pocket until he found his wallet. He’d never felt more relieved to see pennies in his life as he pulled out the only two coins he had. He pressed one into your hand as he leaned in to kiss your forehead. “It looks like we only get one wish each tonight, so we’d better make it a good one.”

He watched as you stared down at the penny, wondering what wish you were going to make. Your face was serious as you thought but broke out into the most beautiful smile. You stood there, coin pressed to your lips, before tossing it out into the fountain. You stared up at him expectantly, waiting for him to make his wish.

He didn’t need to stop and think about his wish. He knew what his wish was from the day he met you. Following your motions, he pressed the penny to his lips and wished, ‘I wish for a life filled with more wonderful nights like this, with this beautiful woman in my arms’. He tossed the coin in and his hand found its way back into yours.

Without a word, he pulled you back in close to him and resumed leading you around the fountain. After a few moments of peaceful silence, he spoke.

“What did you wish for?”

“I can’t tell you or it won’t come true,” you said, voice teasing as you pressed a gentle kiss to his cheek. “And let me tell you, I really want this wish to come true.”

“Me too honey, me too.”

As the memory faded, Bucky couldn’t help but let the tears that had been building fall. That night had been so wonderful. You deserve someone who could give you nothing but nights like that, not the heartache he put you through. He closed his eyes and whispered to no one but himself, “You could’ve been the one. You should’ve been the one...”

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes fanfiction #marvel fanfiction

133 notes · View notes

thisaliennerd · 4 years

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can you please elaborate on why you think kurt is the toxic abusive one in the klaine relationship? maybe i’m biased but i don’t see it.

Yes, I absolutely can, thank you for asking! I’ll start with the basic points and then I’ll elaborate with examples under the cut in case y’all don’t feel like reading an actual essay today. (I’ve also put the link to the google doc in my linktree in my bio which might be a more accessible way to read this as it is a 25 page essay)

Kurt takes every opportunity to tear Blaine down and takes advantage of Blaine’s compulsive need to help/build up the people he loves, to ensure that he has as much power over Blaine as possible

He refuses to talk about problems in the relationship (of which there are many) when they arise, sometimes actively shutting Blaine down when he tries to talk about it, but gets angry when the problems worsen, accuses Blaine of pulling away, and puts the emotional burden on him

He refuses to acknowledge his own fault in ANYTHING, both in his relationship with Blaine and in his other relationships

When they aren’t together, Kurt drags Blaine along, sabotages and undermines Blaine’s relationships, and refuses to allow him to move on, all while actively pursuing other relationships himself, ensuring that Blaine is always there as a fallback plan

He is INCREDIBLY jealous, even before he had any reason to think that Blaine would cheat, despite Blaine repeatedly shutting down people’s (read: Sebastian’s) advances, and Kurt frequently flirting with and playing into people flirting him while dating Blaine

He says he loves Blaine, but he also implies that if anyone else came along that could make him feel the same way, he would leave

He is rarely supportive of Blaine in general, especially if he isn’t doing something that could potentially help Kurt, in contrast to Blaine being pretty relentlessly supportive of Kurt in everything he does

He holds the things that Blaine’s done wrong in their relationship over his head, even after claiming to forgive him

He’s just pretty selfish and narcissistic in general

So, let’s go deeper into it, these are complicated and nuanced issues, and I’m sure you need more evidence than just some bullet points, especially for such a popular ship.

Power Dynamics

Let’s start by analyzing the power dynamics between Blaine and Kurt throughout the show and how it affects their relationship. When we meet Blaine in season 2 episode 6, Kurt is in an incredibly vulnerable place, dealing with intense bullying and homophobia at school. Blaine, despite only being (presumably) fifteen and a sophomore, is astoundingly poised and confident. This is where we see Blaine at his happiest. He seems very sure of himself, and this stands in stark contrast to Kurt. Upon seeing this in Kurt, Blaine quickly opens up, sharing that he had a similar experience not too long ago. He gives Kurt advice, encouraging him not to give up and to have courage, building Kurt up. He even comes to McKinley, seemingly during school hours, to confront Karofsky with Kurt. Throughout this, he is calm, comforting, and continues to build Kurt up as best he can. This behavior continues from Blaine as the season continues. Once Kurt transfers to Dalton, Blaine is in a minor position of power as the lead singer of the Warblers, however, he routinely uses this power to keep building Kurt up. He laughs at Kurt’s jokes (s2e9), gives him advice on how to integrate into the new environment (s2e9), and even gets him a lead in a song for Regionals (s2e16). However, when Kurt transfers to Dalton, we begin to see a different side of him. He becomes exceptionally bitter and jealous of Blaine. We see him getting upset over Blaine getting solos in multiple episodes (s2e9, s2e16), despite how kind and accommodating Blaine has been. He openly criticizes Blaine’s performances, saying that they’re all the same (s2e16), and this marks the first example of Kurt tearing Blaine down. Blaine gives up the opportunity for another solo and risks his position by standing up to the Warblers and telling them he wants to sing a duet with Kurt (s2e16). Kurt is also very dismissive of Blaine’s identity struggles. The first and most notable example of this being in season 2 episode 14. Blaine questions whether he might be bisexual and Kurt is not only biphobic but also dismisses Blaine’s crisis. He tries to dictate Blaine’s identity and is passive-aggressive and bitter for the rest of the episode. We get several more examples of this early in season 3.

In season 3 episode 1, Kurt pressures Blaine to transfer to McKinley, even saying that he was being passive-aggressive, something we’ll see Kurt do often in arguments going forward. Although he maintains a playful tone of voice, it’s very clear that he isn’t joking. Blaine expresses concerns about leaving his friends, and Kurt implies that he isn’t sure that their new relationship can survive if he doesn’t come to WMHS, stopping just shy of actually putting the ultimatum out there, but certainly implying it. Blaine decides to transfer, a move that not only screams codependency but also further brings Blaine down. Kurt is back in his element, he’s a senior, this is his school, whereas Blaine is now a newbie as a junior, abandoning his role as lead of the Warblers for Kurt. And although Blaine initially claims that he came for him, it’s obvious that that isn’t the case, and Blaine confirms that he did it for Kurt later (s4e3, s4e7). In episode 2, Kurt works to further limit Blaine by convincing him not to audition for Tony. Here we see an example of Kurt’s manipulation. He never explicitly tells Blaine not to audition, but just makes passive-aggressive comments until Blaine decides not to audition, asserting his power over him. Again, Blaine is giving up opportunities in order to maintain his relationship with Kurt. Blaine even hesitates to read for Tony when directly asked, because he’s worried about how Kurt will react. And sure enough, Kurt is visibly upset when Blaine’s asked, and while it’s reasonable that he would be disappointed, he shouldn’t have put that on Blaine at all. We see the culmination of this little storyline at the beginning of episode 3, and on first watch, this seems like a sweet scene. Kurt congratulates Blaine for getting Tony, gives him flowers, and says he’s proud of him. However, it’s in Blaine’s reaction that we see the problem. He says, “You always zig when I think you’re about to zag, and I love that about you,” and again, this almost seems sweet, but the undertones of that comment are that Blaine didn’t think that Kurt would be supportive. He was genuinely worried that his boyfriend wouldn’t support him getting the lead in the musical. We see that throughout season 3, Blaine struggles in the New Directions. He tries to fit in, but the group is immediately antagonistic towards him, refusing to listen to his ideas. Kurt says nothing about this, even when it comes from Finn. He doesn’t call them out, he doesn’t even comfort Blaine about it. They spend most of this season pretty equal, but this isn’t enough for Kurt, as he gets his NYADA audition and begins to rise in status, he also continues to tear down Blaine. Flashing forward to episode 17, we see a lot of issues come to the surface here, which will come back later, but we also see more of Kurt tearing down Blaine. Kurt says that it’s hard being Blaine’s boyfriend because he’s “an Alpha gay”. He complains that he doesn’t get solos, implying that it’s Blaine’s fault, even blatantly lying by saying that he used to get solos every week. He manipulates Blaine, putting the fault on him, refusing to apologize for his actions, only apologizing for how it made Blaine feel. Eventually, Blaine is the one forced to apologize. This conversation is especially interesting in comparison to their conversation in season 5 episode 16, but we’ll come back to that. First, let’s talk about season 4.

In season 4 episode 1, their power dynamic has shifted yet again, Kurt got rejected from NYADA and Blaine was a senior and lead singer again. Kurt is clearly uncomfortable with this, but Blaine just continues to lift up Kurt. He tells him to New York and gives Kurt the confidence he needs to follow his dreams. Here’s where their relationship begins to fall apart. Now that Kurt is in New York, he immediately encounters success at Vogue, and as soon as he does, he pulls away from Blaine. He is now way above Blaine, and Kurt doesn’t need him anymore. He feels like Blaine is only limiting him. He prioritizes his success and career over Blaine, which is of course, fine when he does it, but not fine when Blaine does it. He actively ignores Blaine, not just to do his work, but also just to gossip and chat with his coworkers (s4e3), even when he knew that it was an important night for Blaine. He minimizes Blaine’s concerns and successes, talking over him and constantly pivoting the conversation back to himself (s4e3). Then, of course, comes the breakup in episode 4. Blaine explains that he did what he did because he felt that Kurt was moving on. Now of course this doesn’t justify what Blaine did, but throughout all the conversations about this incident, Kurt never acknowledges that he had any part in what happened, again putting one hundred percent of the burden on Blaine (s4e4). This continues throughout the season. Blaine constantly has to apologize, but Kurt never has to, because everything wrong with the relationship prior to Blaine cheating gets ignored. The breakup destroys Blaine’s self-esteem, and it becomes very evident that Blaine doesn't know who he is without Kurt. Kurt has successfully taken a very confident young man, made him dependent on him, and then not only left him but ghosted him (s4e8), completely wrecking him. He purposely didn’t forgive Blaine to hurt him (s4e8). It's Blaine’s senior year, he's finally made it back to where he was in season 2, and now he's not even able to play the lead in the musical. Blaine has hit rock bottom, and just as he starts to recover, getting a crush on Sam, becoming closer with Tina, gaining some self-respect and confidence back, Kurt reenters Blaine’s life. We’ll talk about this more later, but Kurt decides to lead Blaine on, keeping him dependent on Kurt, not allowing him to move on (s4e8, s4e14). For example, he calls Blaine right before he’s about to perform at sectionals only to remind him that he still hasn’t forgiven him, and tells him that they can see each other at Christmas, even though he decides not to go back for Christmas not two episodes later (s4e8, s4e10). Then he hooks up with Blaine at Will’s wedding, even though he doesn’t want to get back together and he knows how Blaine feels about him (s4e14). This continues for the rest of the season. At this point, Kurt holds all the power over Blaine. He is not only successful in the outside world, working at Vogue and going to NYADA, but he has also destroyed Blaine’s self-confidence and ensured that Blaine is dependent on Kurt. On to season 5.

In season 5 episode 1, we get the reunion. This scene is another scene like the Lima Bean scene in season 3. It seems cute and romantic, Kurt plays it in a playful way, but in a closer analysis, it becomes more insidious. Blaine begs Kurt to get back with him, and he talks about how they’ve effectively been dating for weeks. At the end of the scene, Kurt reveals that he intended to say yes the whole time, as he had prepared a song, but before he says yes, he puts Blaine through some more manipulative games. Kurt keeps his voice light, but Blaine is very earnest, clearly taking it to heart. Blaine asks Kurt to be his boyfriend again, and Kurt says he doesn’t think it’ll work, because last time, Blaine cheated. Blaine gets very upset, saying that they’ve been over this and that he’ll “never ever cheat on [Kurt] again”. Kurt says that he wants Blaine to sign a contract, and Blaine says that he’ll sign anything as long as Kurt will get back together with him. These lines are interesting because Kurt sounds like he’s joking, but Blaine absolutely doesn’t. He is so desperate to get Kurt back, and Kurt, who again, has already decided to get back with Blaine, is dragging this out and holding the cheating over Blaine’s head. But Kurt still doesn’t let it go. He says that he’s not even sure if relationships work, requiring Blaine to keep begging. Finally, he agrees to get back together, but it’s clear in this scene that Kurt enjoys having this power over Blaine, and he likes making Blaine beg for forgiveness. He made him do so for the entirety of season 4. I’ll talk more about the proposal later, but here I would like to point out that the use of All You Need is Love is interesting, because there is much more to a functional relationship, but generally, these two seem to ignore this because they love each other. They spend the first half of season 5 separate and don’t interact often, however, when they do talk, it is still clear that Kurt, as an adult out in the world, holds supremacy over Blaine, and when they do talk, Kurt often belittles Blaine’s high school problems in favor of talking about his own, insulting Blaine and then pivoting the conversation to him as soon as he can (s5e7). In fact, Kurt is so unsupportive that Blaine has to make a puppet version of him just to get validation and forgiveness (s5e7). We even see Kurt controlling what Blaine wears multiple times (s5e6, s5e14). Blaine has been built up more from season 4, but this is only because he’s back with Kurt, again reinforcing his dependence on Kurt. The next major conflict in their relationship comes in episode 14. Blaine has just moved to New York and in with Kurt. Their new power dynamic is solidifying. Blaine is adjusting to a big change, and he's struggling with it. He's trying his best to be with Kurt in this new environment, but he’s not sure how to handle it. He’s intimidated by how sure of himself Kurt is and just wants to find a place for himself in Kurt’s life. His solution is to try and do things for Kurt. It worked in high school, but here, it only pushes Kurt away further. Kurt feels suffocated by Blaine, but he openly lies to Blaine about it, refusing to address it until it reaches a boiling point (which he does often). Desperate, Blaine tries to carve out a place in the apartment for himself, but Kurt hates this. He becomes aggressive, claiming that the apartment is his, and not theirs and that Blaine shouldn’t be making changes. At the end of the episode, Blaine is the one who suggests the solution of him moving out, pointing out that they never had a conversation about him moving in in the first place. During this conversation, Blaine is very earnest again, constantly reassuring Kurt that he doesn’t want to break up, and is physically very intense, trying to make eye contact, moving to connect with Kurt, and initiating a hug, while Kurt feels completely detached, avoiding eye contact, keeping his voice monotone, and looking pretty disinterested. Sidenote: In this episode, Kurt also demands that Blaine ask Sam to move out even though he’s the one who wants him gone in the first place.

But the most compelling evidence comes in episode 16. Blaine has been in the city for a little while now but is still struggling to find himself. He’s started gaining some weight from comfort eating and he’s insecure about it. In this episode, the textual focus is actually on the change in their power dynamic, so here is where it’s most obvious. Blaine feels uncomfortable with Kurt being hit on by other men, but it’s shown that Kurt isn’t shutting these advances down at all. Blaine feels distinctly inferior to Kurt, and it’s fueling his insecurities. Kurt notices that Blaine’s insecure, but decides not to talk to him about it. Instead, he repeatedly comments on the food that Blaine’s eating, reinforcing Blaine’s insecurities about his weight, and tearing Blaine down further. There’s also an interesting scene in this episode where Kurt, Blaine, Artie, and Sam are all out getting dinner together, and Sam asks about a free clinic to get tested for STDs. Kurt answers and then throws in a comment about the time Blaine cheated. This visibly upsets Blaine, but he also seems annoyed by the comment. It’s wholly unnecessary and doesn’t add anything to the conversation, all it does is make Blaine feel bad. This is the second time this season we’ve seen Kurt bring this up for no reason and the casualness of the comment coupled with Blaine’s reaction implies that this may be something he brings up frequently. At this point, Blaine has again been brought low, the confidence he had temporarily built backup is gone because it was all based on Kurt. Kurt is at least somewhat aware of this but still doesn’t talk to Blaine about it. He halfheartedly reassures Blaine about his body (a surface symptom of the deeper problem) in between comments about his food, even convincing Blaine not to eat the (perfectly reasonable) food he made in favor of a salad. Then, he discovers a porn website on Blaine’s computer. He becomes very upset and angry about this, while Blaine is visibly uncomfortable. Kurt verbally says that Blaine can do whatever he wants on his own computer but gets increasingly angry. He yells at Blaine about how they haven’t had sex in a week but doesn’t question why, he just storms out. In the next scene they have together, Blaine enters their stage combat class, where Kurt already is, late. This already puts Kurt in higher standing within his environment. Blaine is angry and asks Kurt why he didn’t tell him that he didn’t want to walk to class together. Kurt is dismissive and says he just forgot, but his tone and body language doesn’t support this. Blaine asks if Kurt is still upset about the website, and Kurt says no, but his tone is still angry and dismissive. Blaine then suggests that they should talk about the fight, but Kurt shuts it down, saying, “You know, Blaine, sometimes I think we talk too much”. They start fencing, and Kurt, who knows that Blaine’s been struggling in this class, both with the content and with making friends, publicly embarrasses him in front of the whole class. Later, they finally have a conversation, but again, this is only happening after their problems reach a boiling point. Kurt comes home and asks Blaine what happened in combat class, saying “you were really coming at me,” not acknowledging that he too, was aggressive in his fighting, and being very confrontational (including closed-off body language). Blaine reveals that he feels like he has to prove himself. He feels like he’s falling behind Kurt and is unable to support and protect him, which had previously been an important aspect of their relationship all the way until Blaine moved to New York. Kurt is immediately unreceptive and angry. He says that Blaine shouldn’t want to be superior to Kurt and that they should want to be equals. Blaine quickly apologizes, feeling even worse about himself, but Blaine never says that he wants to be superior, just that he feels so far behind Kurt, and as we’ve established, Kurt has been systematically tearing Blaine down for years. Blaine tells Kurt that he feels terrible about himself and his body and feels like Kurt is going to judge him. Kurt claims that he would never judge Blaine, but again, had been making comments about the amount and type of food Blaine was eating. Blaine then says that he’s afraid that if he can’t do things for Kurt, Kurt will outgrow him, and once he no longer needs him, will stop loving him. This isn’t an unreasonable fear, as this is similar to what had happened when Kurt first moved to New York, but this also expresses a deeper fear of Blaine’s that can be traced back to his childhood. As shown in season 3 episode 15, Blaine had a very bad relationship with his older brother, Cooper. Cooper is shown as very selfish, always needing Blaine to be doing things for him and making every conversation about him. This not only mirrors a lot of Kurt’s behavior but also explains why Blaine feels he will be abandoned if he can’t do things for people. It’s already happened to him. Kurt says that he would never leave Blaine, which also proves to be false in season 6, but he also says that Blaine needs to tell him when he feels this way. However, Blaine tried twice, in the porn fight scene and in the stage combat scene, to talk about it, and Kurt shut it down both times. Again, Kurt is putting all the emotional burden on Blaine, deflecting his own fault, and gaslighting Blaine about previous events. Finally, they make up, but in the final scene, Blaine seems to have developed an eating disorder, and Kurt says that they have decided to eat out less often and work out more, but Kurt was already doing those things. Another example of Kurt trying to control what Blaine eats.

Moving on to the rest of season 5, in episode 18, Kurt invites Blaine to perform with him for June Dolloway. Blaine kills his performance and June asks only him to be her project. Suddenly, their dynamic has shifted again. This is a major success for Blaine, and Kurt’s been stalling recently. Blaine now has a lot more power and we see a glimpse of the old Blaine return when he performs for and with June. However, Kurt doesn’t react well to this throughout Blaine’s time with June. Immediately once Blaine gets picked, Blaine feels guilty about it, almost turning it down. Kurts assures him that it’s fine, but qualifies it by saying that it’ll be good for both of them, even saying it’s “[their] careers” instead of Blaine’s career. Later in the episode, Blaine and Kurt are finally having time together after Blaine has been spending a lot of time with June, Kurt says, “I’m upset with you,” and Blaine immediately looks terrified. He freezes, tenses, and panics. He’s walking on eggshells around Kurt, and no one should ever be scared of their partner. As with the flowers scene in season 3, Blaine is genuinely worried that Kurt will be upset about him taking an opportunity because Kurt wanted it for himself. Kurt is generally only supportive when it’s potentially beneficial to him. Blaine is so worried about upsetting Kurt that he decides to lie to him and tell him that he’s in the showcase June is organizing for Blaine. In episode 19, Blaine gives up a big opportunity with June to go to Kurt’s show, and then the storyline finishes in episode 20. Blaine fails to convince June to let Kurt into the showcase and is forced to confess to Kurt. Blaine attempts to explain the situation, but Kurt says he can’t trust Blaine or anything he says, and then reacts physically, throwing a bag of food onto the floor. Blaine jumps to his feet, apologizing and explaining that he didn’t know what else to do because he was scared of hurting Kurt’s feelings, but Kurt just storms out. Now, of course, Blaine shouldn’t have lied, but only a few episodes earlier in episode 14, Kurt lied about Blaine not crowding him so as not to hurt his feelings. Kurt does similar things all the time, but Blaine has to suffer for it. Later in episode 20, Kurt and Blaine talk again. Blaine, visibly upset, says that he doesn’t want to do the showcase because Kurt is more important to him, implying that he thinks he has to give up a major opportunity for his career for Kurt. Kurt responds by coming up with a confusing metaphor, waxing poetic at Blaine (sarcasm and figures of speech are something that Blaine already struggles to understand throughout the show), dragging it out, and making it sound very bad, so Blaine keeps apologizing. Then Kurt finally stops him. He says he understands what happened, and even, for the first time, takes some responsibility. He acknowledges that the way he was acting would have led Blaine to believe that lying was the only option. This is Kurt’s best reaction to a fight across the show, but it shouldn’t have gotten here. And because, yet again, Kurt pushed Blaine until he snapped and messed up, Kurt is the one with the power. He’s the one to forgive, and Blaine is the one who has to relentlessly apologize and then thank Kurt when he forgives him. And sure enough, because Blaine is so dependent on Kurt, he is incredibly relieved when Kurt forgives him, and thanks him repeatedly. He’s very physical here too, hugging Kurt, but Kurt is, again, very closed off, not very receptive. Blaine, again suggests that he won’t do the showcase without Kurt, and although Kurt does tell him to do it, it’s insane that this is even a question in Blaine’s mind. Plus the whole “I’m the luckiest guy in the world,” “Yeah pretty much,” interaction just rubs me the wrong way. In the end, Blaine risks his partnership with June to sing with Kurt anyway, which again, he shouldn’t have had to do. Every time Blaine is more successful, he tries to lift Kurt up to his level, even when it’s risky for him, but Kurt constantly tears Blaine down, even when he’s in a better position. Finally (for this point), let’s talk about the trainwreck that is season 6.

Season 6 is a lot more complex when it comes to power dynamics specifically. At the beginning of episode 1, they've broken up, and it’s had a profound effect on Blaine. He got very depressed, which makes sense, because he’s become so reliant on Kurt, got cut from NYADA, had to move back to Lima, and he wasn’t even able to play music for a while. He still seems to be struggling emotionally, while Kurt is in New York at NYADA, and initially, in the episode, it seems like Kurt is doing well. However, when Kurt comes back to Lima this shifts again. Kurt wants to get back together with Blaine, but Blaine is dating someone else, Dave Karofsky, and seems fairly happy in this new relationship. And because the focus of their arc this season is their journey to get back together, at this point, Blaine holds more power. It doesn’t matter that Kurt is in a better place in his life and career, because not only is that not the focus, but Kurt is now also in Lima. Blaine has begun the process to move on from Kurt, and this has happened once previously in their relationship, back in season 4, and just like in season 4, right as Blaine begins to move on, Kurt decides to reenter his life. Of course, the difference here is that Kurt hasn’t attempted to move on like he did in season 4. His sole purpose is to get Blaine back, and this actually gives Blaine more power because Kurt is openly pursuing him, instead of subtly leading him on. But before we continue with season 6, let’s do a closer analysis of the breakup scene, because I think, like season 5 episode 16, it illustrates a lot of the problems in the relationship very clearly.

This scene is shown via flashback, and Kurt is the one having the flashback. This is interesting because it’s been established, at this point in the episode, that Blaine and Kurt have been broken up for months, and based on Kurt’s reaction to this memory, this is the first time Kurt has dealt with the breakup. We see he remembers this scene, starts crying, and then the next time we see him, he’s back in Lima to get Blaine back. So, the flashback begins with Blaine arriving at the restaurant, it’s raining heavily. Kurt is already there, waiting for him. Blaine is very happy. He apologizes for being slightly late, explaining that it’s because of the rain and because he had stopped to check on a venue for their wedding. He seems very excited about this venue. The camera pans over and we see Kurt’s face for the first time. He looks annoyed, and he asks why he’s always the first to arrive. Blaine’s face falls a little but he explains again, repeating that he found a venue that’s available for their wedding, still excited about it. Kurt, again, doesn’t respond to this and just changes the subject to ordering food, annoyed. Blaine’s face changes, and he seems to register that Kurt isn’t going to respond positively to this step in the wedding planning. He says that he doesn’t want to fight, but he feels like he’s the one who’s been doing all the wedding planning. Kurt says nothing, just passive-aggressively puts down his menu, and stares at Blaine in an accusatory way. Blaine, very genuinely and earnestly, asks Kurt what’s wrong, actually begging Kurt to just talk to him, and asks him if he’s having second thoughts about the wedding. Kurt doesn’t flat out answer the question, instead, he says, “Have you noticed how exhausting it’s been ever since you moved back in?” The way the question is phrased puts the fault on Blaine in two ways. First, it asks him if he’s noticed that living together has been exhausting, instead of Kurt saying that he, personally, has been struggling. It frames it as an objective truth that Blaine has failed to notice. Secondly, Kurt says, “since you moved back in” putting the struggle to live together on Blaine. He doesn’t say, since we started living together again, or since we moved back in, he says, since you moved back in. This also has undertones that Blaine is an outsider in Kurt’s home. An invading force, rather than a partnership, and it implies that Kurt has made no progress in the weeks or months since season 5 episode 14 and that allowing Blaine to put in the office space was just a surface level change (s5e20). Kurt angrily brings up a fight that they had over him wiping his mouth off with a towel while there was toothpaste on his face. His tone indicates that he thinks that this is a stupid fight over nothing, but Blaine responds, “Well, how is someone else supposed to use it when you leave it like that”. This suggests that this genuinely matters to him, and not that he was picking a fight over nothing, as Kurt seems to think. Moreover, the way Blaine says it is a bit angry, which is a little unusual for him, and could indicate that Kurt often brushes off these things that bother Blaine. Kurt, getting increasingly angry, says that he thinks that they’re failing at living together. Blaine, also getting angry, says “Thank you for finally saying something truthful. Where's that guy been...you’ve been completely aloof and...totally remote and distant. It’s like I don’t even know you anymore”. These lines give a lot of insight into their relationship. As we’ve discussed, when they fight, Kurt tends to get very closed off and withdrawn, something we also see in this scene. Even as Blaine is saying these things, Kurt is withdrawn, not making eye contact, and passive-aggressively nodding. But this line suggests that this is something Kurt does whenever there are any problems. This is also supported by previous fights, see season 5 episode 16, and season 3 episode 20. Kurt doesn’t like talking about relationship problems (or even potential problems like in s3e20), and instead just avoids them, often meaning that Blaine ends up needing to handle it. Blaine continues by saying, “I feel like you’re just silently judging me”. This is the second time Blaine has expressed concerns about Kurt judging him during a fight (the first time was in s5e16), which could speak to his own insecurities, however, the Blaine we see in season 2, was not like this. He had some normal teenage doubts, but this kind of deep-seated insecurity wasn’t present. This has slowly been introduced to Blaine’s character throughout his relationship with Kurt, and although Kurt says he wouldn’t judge Blaine (s5e16), as we discussed, he does. Blaine constantly feeling judged by Kurt even after season 5 episode 16 suggests that Kurt hasn’t actually changed any of his behaviors and is still making comments that make Blaine uncomfortable. Blaine asks if Kurt even wants to marry him, and Kurt blurts out, “Maybe I don’t!” He then withdraws back into himself again, looking away and refusing to answer when Blaine asks him what changed. Since Kurt refuses to speak, Blaine starts to cry and asks Kurt if he did something to cause this. Kurt still doesn’t respond. Blaine says that he loves Kurt and that he knows that they can make it work. Kurt says that he loves Blaine too, but that they’re too young and that they should give up before they hate each other. This exchange, too, shows the differences in how they approach this relationship. Blaine is willing to work on the relationship. He wants to be with Kurt, and he would go to the end of the earth to keep them together. Kurt isn’t willing to do this. He just wants the relationship to function without working for it. And because Blaine is very dependent on the relationship for his confidence and self-esteem, he is generally willing to do much more work to maintain it than Kurt. But because Kurt isn’t willing to discuss problems until after a blow-up, that’s still not enough. Kurt has kept his voice and face empty and cold for most of the fight, and even as Blaine breaks down, he maintains this. Blaine tells Kurt that he’ll never forgive him, and then the flashback ends.

The season 6 break up fight is distinct from the others in that both the show and Kurt himself acknowledge that it was Kurt’s fault. He’s the one who needs to apologize, and this changes the power dynamic too. In all the other fights, in the end, Blaine is the one who apologizes, so Kurt has the power to accept or reject said apology. The texting fight in season 3 is the most similar, but Blaine is framed as unreasonable for being upset during that fight and in the end, he’s the one who ends up apologizing and resolving the issues. But this fight also doesn’t resolve itself immediately. Kurt’s apology doesn’t fix their relationship, and they stay broken up for most of the season. However, their power dynamic doesn’t stay the same for the rest of the season. The first real shift comes in episode 4. Up until this point, Blaine has seemed pretty comfortable in his relationship and Kurt has been chasing Blaine and not seeing anyone else. This changes in episode 4 though, Kurt starts talking to a guy online, Walter, and when he tells Blaine about it, it becomes incredibly clear that Blaine hasn’t gotten over Kurt. His relationship is being sabotaged, so that tether to moving forward is weakened. While Blaine obviously isn’t over Kurt, he is very supportive of Kurt trying to move on and doesn’t say anything bad to Kurt about it. And while his body language and tone indicate that he is sad about Kurt moving on, it’s much more bittersweet than anything. This contrasts with Kurt’s reaction to finding out about Karofsky. He’s been bitter, angry, and up until this episode was undermining their relationship with snide comments. At this point, they’ve leveled out, Kurt is entering a new relationship, and Blaine’s relationship is on shaky ground. Episodes 5 and 6 continue this pattern, as Blaine and Karofsky get rockier and Kurt and Walter get stronger. Kurt now is back above Blaine. He’s moving on, but he’s still available, but Blaine is getting pulled back into Kurt and is in a relationship. Episode 7 is where we see another major change in their relationship. Kurt manipulates the random duet wheel to get Blaine chosen as his duet partner even though he’s kind of dating Walter. Blaine mentions that Dave still thinks that there’s something between Kurt and Blaine. Then, after they sing their duet, they start talking about their relationship, specifically their early relationship in season 2, and Blaine kisses Kurt. Before the kiss, they’re talking about their first duet, way back before they even started dating, which was when Blaine was his happiest and most confident. This brings back false nostalgia for a time when Blaine was both confident and happy with Kurt, a time that never really existed since Kurt started tearing Blaine down right as they start dating. However, memories like this are what is being conjured for Blaine, and in an effort to recapture this, he kisses Kurt. Of course, he has a boyfriend, so immediately afterward he rushes off. Now the power is wholly on Kurt. Blaine has betrayed his new relationship and his feelings. He’s revealed that he’s still in love with Kurt, and now Kurt, just like season 4, has two vying love interests. Kurt has the power to choose, whereas Blaine’s relationship with Karofsky is doomed. More than that, Kurt has actively been pursuing Blaine even through this episode, and he's done the thing he always does where he pushes right up to something without explicitly crossing boundaries until Blaine snaps and acts. In this particular situation, this has flipped the power dynamic so now instead of Kurt having to try and get Blaine to come back to him, Blaine is the one who’s going to try and go back to Kurt. Sure enough, Blaine and Dave break up and Blaine goes to try and get back together with Kurt, but Kurt is going out with Walter. Blaine says nothing, he doesn’t criticize Walter or say anything snarky, he just lets Kurt go, reinforcing that Kurt has the power. In episode 8 we get the reunion. Kurt cuts it off with Walter, but the way he does so is interesting. He says, “I’m going to the wedding with Blaine,” but he hadn’t asked Blaine to get back together with him or go to the wedding with him. He seems so sure that it’ll work out with Blaine, even though he doesn’t seem to know that Blaine and Dave broke up. He shows up at Blaine’s apartment, confesses his love, and asks Blaine to go to the wedding with him. And initially, it may seem like Blaine has the power here, but on deeper inspection, there isn’t any risk here for Kurt, and he knows this. The second Blaine kissed Kurt, it becomes clear that Blaine would go back to him as soon as Kurt would take him. Their interaction here shows this, Kurt does say, “Unless there’s someone else,” but it’s tacked on, a formality (I also think this line shows that he didn’t know about Karofsky), and Blaine immediately responds, “There’s no one else”. He doesn’t even hesitate. When it comes down to it, Kurt is the only person for Blaine.

But let’s briefly sidebar and talk about how that isn’t true for Kurt, and how that gives him power over Blaine. Kurt doesn’t really care about who Blaine is, he cares how Blaine is making him feel, and if someone else came along that could make him feel that way, he would probably leave. This is a bold claim to make, so let’s look at some evidence. In season 5 episode 1, Kurt talks to Burt about whether he should say yes to Blaine’s proposal. On this car ride, he looks nauseous and wildly uncomfortable. He tells Burt that he isn’t sure if he wants to marry Blaine, and says “[Blaine] makes me feel so connected and so safe and loved, and I don’t think I’m ever going to find someone else who’s going to make me feel like that”. He says he loves Blaine, but that statement also implies that if someone else came along that could do those things, Blaine would lose the thing that makes him valuable to Kurt. Blaine’s proposal speaks to how well he knows Kurt, it’s grand, romantic, and nostalgic. It’s everything that Kurt enjoys, but Kurt seems uncomfortable through most of it. Blaine is relentlessly supportive of Kurt, but Kurt rarely supports Blaine, because what he values in Blaine is what he can do for him. In his wedding vows he talks about how Blaine pushes the shadows away from Kurt so he can shine (s6e8). That’s what’s most important to him. Kurt tries to date Adam, and initially, he seems to really click with him. Adam compliments Kurt a lot (s4e11), and as shown in season 3 episode 17, this is something that Kurt responds to. However, once he realizes that this doesn’t fulfill him in the same way (s4e15), he drops Adam very quickly (s5e1). Every time Blaine looks at Kurt, it’s so clear how in love with Kurt he is, but very rarely do we see this in Kurt. This gives Kurt the ability to mess around and play with Blaine’s feelings, knowing that if he ever wants to come back to Blaine, he’ll be there. Because there’s no one else.

Finishing season 6, Blaine and Kurt decide to get married (well, Blaine makes the call because Kurt refuses to give straight answers to anyone), and we’ve looked at Kurt’s vows, but let’s look at Blaine’s. Blaine says that he didn’t think that he would ever find love (s6e8). This is pretty worrying. Blaine was fifteen when he met Kurt, and he’s only nineteen or twenty now, so this speaks to how deep Blaine’s insecurities run at this point in his life. After the wedding, Blaine and Kurt seem to be in a good place. Their relationship isn’t the focus of the rest of the season, so we don’t see much of them until episode 13, but they seem to be on equal ground. Then in episode 13, we get a powerful insight into the direction their relationship is headed, but it’s actually not the flashforward. Early in the episode, Blaine and Sam have a conversation about Sam coming back to New York. Sam says no, and one of the reasons he cites is that there are too many sports teams and he doesn’t know who to root for. Blaine responds, “We just root for whichever one’s winning,” and Sam says, “Ok, that’s something Kurt would say”. This is already concerning on its own, but Blaine just says, “That’s what happens when you get married”. Football is something that Blaine has always liked. In season 2 episode 7, Blaine mentions that he’s a college football fan, and in that scene, Kurt changes the subject almost immediately. Then, in season 4 episode 10, we see Blaine and Burt bonding over sports. It’s something that he’s always liked, and him starting to have this sucked out of him is concerning. Kurt is slowly taking away Blaine’s interests, controlling him more. Sam even looks worried when Blaine says this. In that same scene, Blaine almost sounds like he’s trying to convince himself that he’s happy, or at least convince Sam that there’s nothing wrong. Finally, we see Blaine and Kurt five years later. They seem happy, but they’re having a baby, and while there’s nothing strictly wrong with that, having a baby as performers in their mid-twenties (24-26) seems like an odd choice. Both of them can’t work 8 shows a week and have a child, so what’s their plan going forward. They’re so young, in New York, there’s no reason for it. To wrap up this section of the analysis, Blaine is introduced as a very confident young man, but Kurt systematically tears Blaine down in order to not only feel superior to Blaine but also to control him. He frequently talks about how important trust is in a relationship, and he weaponizes this against Blaine, constantly telling him how he doesn’t trust him (s4e7, s5e17, s5e20). He lies to Blaine, demeans his feelings and accomplishments, and manipulates him.

Support: Blaine vs. Kurt

Earlier, I presented the claim that Kurt isn’t very supportive of Blaine, especially in comparison to how supportive Blaine is, and how this coupled with the amount Kurt tears Blaine down creates an environment where Kurt has a lot of power and control over Blaine, so here are some examples of this. The first example of Kurt being supportive of Blaine comes in season 2 episode 12. Kurt convinces the Warblers to do the Gap Attack, but when he realizes that he isn’t the guy Blaine has a crush on and it no longer benefits him, he has to be talked into even going by Mercedes and Rachel. As discussed, in season 3 episode 3, Kurt congratulates Blaine on getting Tony, but this is only after discouraging Blaine to audition and being visibly upset when he was asked to read for Tony. In season 3 episode 11, Kurt is pretty good about Blaine’s surgery, however, he doesn’t even consult Blaine or his family when he gets direct evidence of Sebastian committing a felony, just hands the evidence over to Sebastian. In season 3 episode 15, Kurt gives Blaine advice on talking to Cooper, but this is after he spent the entire episode fawning over him when it clearly made Blaine uncomfortable. In season 3 episode 19, Kurt tells Blaine not to put hair gel back in after Brittney forces him to take it out at prom. However, this comes after Kurt mocked Blaine’s insecurities and laughed at him when he showed up to prom with his hair out. We see little to no examples of Kurt being supportive after he leaves for New York. The next time we see Kurt being supportive of Blaine comes in season 5 episode 6. Blaine is freaking out about auditioning for NYADA, and Kurt is very gentle and calming. However, this isn’t wholly unselfish. Kurt wants Blaine to come to New York, to go to the same school as him, it’s season 3 episode 1 all over again. He even pressured Blaine to sing at the diner when he looked visibly uncomfortable with it in the name of support. We also see him celebrating Blaine getting into NYADA in episode 12, but this is the bare minimum of support. He is cautiously supportive of Blaine getting picked up by June, but this is also selfish. He talks multiple times about how this will benefit his career (s5e18), and him eventually telling Blaine to do the showcase even without him is, again, the absolute bare minimum (s5e20). However, there are a few times where Kurt was genuinely supportive of Blaine without an ulterior motive. The first example of this is in season 2 episode 20. Kurt asks Blaine to prom, but Blaine tells Kurt that he was bullied at a Sadie Hawking’s dance before he transferred to Dalton. Kurt is immediately sympathetic and encourages him to stand up to the bullies while saying that if Blaine is uncomfortable with going, they won’t. And in season 6 episode 10 when Dalton burns down, he’s very good about handling it, but it’s saying something that those two are the only strong examples of Kurt being genuinely supportive, speaks volumes. (There are also three times in the show where Blaine tells Kurt that he loves him and Kurt either doesn’t say it back or hangs up before he even hears Blaine, once in season 4 episode 4 (5:25), once in season 5 episode 9 (12:50), and again in season 5 episode 19 (33:20), and it just bothers me a little.)

Let’s compare this to Blaine. In season 2, Blaine helps Kurt around Dalton (s2e6), helps Kurt with Karofsky (s2e6), laughs at Kurt’s jokes when no one else does (s2e9), helps Kurt adjust to the Warblers (s2e9), helps him with Pavarotti (s2e9), convinces Burt to give Kurt the sex talk (s2e15), gets Kurt a duet for Regionals and making it something that’s in Kurt’s wheelhouse (s2e16), giving Kurt a pep talk before he goes on stage (s2e16), goes to prom with Kurt despite his past trauma (s2e20), helps Kurt calm down after he’s elected prom queen (s2e20), and dances with Kurt after Karofsky runs out (s2e20). In season 3, Blaine transfers to WMHS for Kurt (s3e1), is very supportive of Kurt when he loses the student council election and tells him not to give up on NYADA (s3e7), pushes Kurt out of the way, and takes Sebastian’s Slushee (s3e11), congratulates Kurt on his NYADA audition even when he’s about to get surgery (s3e11), and is very supportive of Kurt through his panic about his audition (s3e18). In season 4, Blaine tells Kurt that New York is where he belongs and encourages him to leave (s4e1), supports Kurt’s music video even though Kurt is being wildly unsupportive of him throughout it (s4e4), and assures Kurt that he’ll always be there for him even if they aren’t together (s4e10). In season 5, Blaine agrees to fly out to NYC in the middle of the school week with only a few days notice (s5e7), gives Kurt advice on Elliot when Kurt is being paranoid (s5e9), stays with Kurt in the hospital when he gets attacked (s5e15), is very happy for Kurt when he reveals he got picked for June’s show even before Kurt offered him a part (s5e18), chooses to go to Kurt’s nursing home performance over a big opportunity with June (s5e19), and inviting Kurt to perform with him at June’s show even though it could cost him the partnership (s5e20). In season 6, Blaine does all the wedding planning (s6e1), never says a bad word about Kurt dating other people when Kurt was antagonistic and cruel about him dating Karofsky (s6e4, s6e7), and pushes the glitter bomb box out of Kurt’s hands, physically protecting him again (s6e11). This is just the shortlist, and very few of them are selfishly motivated at all. In fact, many of them actively go against his own interests and involve giving up opportunities. This dichotomy is a prime example of what reinforces Kurt’s power over Blaine. Blaine is willing to give up everything for Kurt and gives him everything he has, but Kurt not only won’t do the same in return but exploits Blaine’s generosity.

Cheating and Double Standards

So, let’s talk about cheating, romantic jealousy, and the double standard of their relationship. Kurt is immediately possessive of Blaine, even before they start dating. He puts a picture of Blaine in his locker within a week of meeting him (s2e6). In season 2 episode 12, Blaine reveals that he has a crush on another guy, and Kurt, who had constructed a relationship with Blaine in his head, gets very upset. Despite being all too willing to help Blaine when he thought it was about him, he needs to be talked into even going by Mercedes and Rachel. Then, in season 2 episode 14, Kurt gets extremely jealous about Rachel and Blaine kissing and going on a date even though they’re not dating yet. In season 3 episode 5, Blaine meets Sebastian Smythe for the first time. Immediately, Sebastian hits on Blaine very aggressively, but it clearly makes Blaine extremely uncomfortable. Blaine agrees to go to The Lima Bean with Sebastian, and Sebastian continues to hit on Blaine, even more overtly this time. Blaine looks even more uncomfortable and quickly and forcefully shuts Sebastian down multiple times, talking about his boyfriend and how much he loves him. Despite Blaine being in the middle of shutting Sebastian down as Kurt shows up, Kurt is immediately very jealous and possessive. Sebastian suggests that they all go out to the local gay bar, and while Blaine seems interested, he turns it down because he knows Kurt isn’t. Kurt agrees to go but to rival Sebastian, not because Blaine wants to go. Then when they do go out, Kurt decides to spend the night moping at the bar instead of dancing with Blaine. However, Blaine keeps looking over at him, clearly wanting him to come dance with them. He’s not dancing inappropriately with Sebastian, he’s just trying to have fun, and Kurt’s being weird for no reason. He’s really happy when Kurt comes to dance with them, and there’s obviously nothing insidious going on. However, when Kurt and Blaine are fighting and Kurt is bringing up mostly good points, he also throws in that Blaine spent half the night dancing with another guy, which again, was not Blaine’s fault. Then, Blaine has to swear to Kurt that Sebastian doesn’t mean anything to him when he’s been shutting down his advances the whole episode and is clearly not interested. It seems like Kurt believes that Blaine doesn’t have feelings for Sebastian, but he acts exceptionally jealous every time Sebastian shows up, and Kurt talks about him so often that Blaine yells at Kurt to stop bringing him up in season 3 episode 14.

In season 3 episode 17, we have the first cheating scandal. Kurt needs music for his NYADA audition, and he tells Blaine this and asks him to go to the music store, Between the Sheets with him. Blaine seems upset and says he can’t. Kurt doesn’t ask him why he can’t go or why he’s upset, just decides to go on his own. At Between the Sheets, Kurt meets a guy, Chandler. Chandler is very complimentary towards Kurt immediately, which Kurt responds very positively to. Then, as he’s leaving, Chandler’s comments turn flirtatious and he asks for Kurt’s phone number. Despite it being very clear that Chandler is hitting on him, Kurt gives him his number and doesn’t mention that he has a boyfriend. Kurt starts texting regularly with Chandler. The texts are very flirty, and although Kurt initially doesn’t seem to see anything wrong with it, once Rachel calls him out, he does seem to realize that it isn’t innocent. He says that Blaine hasn’t been complimenting him or trying to have sex with him recently, but he hasn’t spoken to Blaine about it. He texts with Chandler while ignoring Blaine, who is visibly upset, during Rachel and Santana’s duet. Later in the episode, Blaine ends up reading the text messages between Chandler and Kurt. He’s very upset and says that it’s cheating. Kurt denies that it’s cheating and compares it to Blaine talking to Sebastian. Blaine denies this, saying that he didn’t have feelings for Sebastian, and Kurt has feelings for this guy. I agree with Blaine in this situation. He didn’t have feelings for Sebastian and made it clear that it made him uncomfortable when Sebastian hit on him. Kurt does have feelings for Chandler, he was reciprocating the flirting, it’s a different situation, and Kurt is in the wrong. Moreover, considering that Kurt has been ignoring Blaine in favor of Chandler, I do think it’s reasonable to consider this cheating. It’s also notable that sex is not, and never has been, the most important thing to Kurt in a relationship. It’s important in the same way it would be to most teenage boys, but it isn’t how he primarily displays intimacy, so Kurt not having sex with this guy doesn’t mean that he’s not pursuing him. However, Kurt continues to deny that he did anything wrong. He justifies it by saying that Blaine never compliments him. He then says that it’s hard to be Blaine’s boyfriend because everyone wants to be with him. Blaine says that Kurt should have talked to him about it, but Kurt ignores this and continues to dismiss Blaine’s concerns. He doesn’t apologize, he only says that he’s sorry if it made Blaine feel uncomfortable. He tries to dismiss Blaine’s feelings again by saying “it’s ok”, and Blaine storms out. They sing some dramatic songs at each other, Kurt denies that what he did was cheating yet again. Kurt brings Blaine to talk to Emma. Blaine is very upset and vents about a lot of issues he has with Kurt being rude and not respecting boundaries, and then he reveals that he actually is more upset about Kurt preparing to leave for New York than anything else. He’s upset that Kurt keeps talking about it in every conversation because he feels like Kurt’s running away from him and is going to abandon him (which will prove very prescient). Kurt promises that he’ll never do that and Blaine shouldn’t worry. Kurt never admits that what he did was wrong, but at the end of the episode, he says that he told Chandler to stop texting him. Unlike Kurt with Sebastian, Blaine never mentions Chandler again (unless you count that one line from Tina’s body-swapping dream thing, but that’s not real, so I choose to believe that Tina is just outraged in Blaine’s honor), and seems to not only have moved on but forgiven him as well.

Let’s move on to the next significant cheating incident, season 4 episode 4. Kurt has been ignoring Blaine since he got to New York. In the previous episode, he ignored a call from Blaine on a night he knew was important to him, the night of the senior class president election, to chat with his coworkers about nonwork-related things (s4e3). and early in the episode, Blaine and Brittney have a conversation about how hard it is for them now that it seems like Kurt and Santana are too busy for them. Kurt calls Blaine (in the middle of the school day), but he immediately has to go. He says that the phones won’t stop ringing at work, Blaine is understanding and tells Kurt he can call him back later. Kurt says he can’t because he’s working until midnight. Kurt says that he understands that it’s frustrating, but this could be a career for him. Blaine says that he understands and then attempts to communicate about the issues he’s having and what he’s feeling. He says that he really misses Kurt, and says “I miss talking to you, and I miss hugging you, and I miss messing around with you,” confirming that they’ve barely interacted in a while. Kurt says, “But you’re coming in two weeks, right?” as if it’s ok for them not to talk for weeks. Two weeks is a long time, especially because when they were first discussing this in season 3, Kurt assured Blaine that he would Skype him every day and that they would see each other every weekend (although even then, he says that Blaine will come and visit him, and never offers to visit Blaine in Lima) (s3e17) and then Kurt had put off practical conversations about doing long distance in favor of flowery language and empty promises even when Blaine actively tried to initiate conversations about it (s3e22). Kurt has broken his word to Blaine and isn’t being a good partner. Blaine expresses that he doesn’t know how he’s going to handle waiting two weeks, seeming genuinely worried and upset, but Kurt doesn’t even acknowledge this. He says that someone is calling with good gossip and that he has to go. He says he’ll call or text Blaine on a break and hangs up without another word, not even waiting long enough to hear Blaine say “I love you” to him. This deeply hurts Blaine, and throughout Barely Breathing we see him calling Kurt, feeling lonely, and then talking to another guy on Facebook. Blaine shows up at Kurt’s apartment on Friday night, which means he would have had to leave straight from school, and since he seems to only decided to go the night before at the earliest, it would have been wildly expensive. Throughout his time in New York, Blaine is clearly upset, and to his credit, Kurt does ask him about it several times, and Blaine eventually admits that he cheated on Kurt. Kurt’s first reaction is to say, “It was Sebastian, wasn’t it?” really nailing home that he still hasn’t forgotten about that, and that he already didn’t really trust Blaine. Blaine says it wasn’t and tries to explain to Kurt that it didn’t mean anything. Kurt asks who it was again. This upsets Blaine further, and he says “It doesn’t matter who it was with, Kurt, what matters is that I was by myself. I needed you. I needed you around, and you weren’t there.” That is the crux of the issue. Kurt has been ignoring Blaine, and both of the times we see him do this are explicitly for gossip, not essential work reasons. It’s implied, though, that he’s been doing this a lot, and if the only two times the audience is shown this are both inessential reasons, it can be extrapolated that these aren’t isolated (s4e3, s4e4). Blaine has tried to raise his concerns, but at every step of the way, Kurt shut him down, brushed him off, and refused to talk about it (s3e17, s3e22, s4e3, s4e4). Kurt has been a bad boyfriend, and unlike season 3 episode 17, Blaine actually tried to reach out to talk about it before he cheated, whereas Kurt didn’t. Blaine says that he was lonely and made a mistake, but that he’s really sorry. Kurt says he’s been feeling the same way, but he didn’t act on it because he knew how awful it was. While this is totally fair, it’s important to note that Kurt has a whole exciting new life and career in New York. He has a lot to look forward to and to keep him busy and distracted, and Blaine’s been supporting him in this (s4e3). However, Blaine is in Lima, there’s very little going on, and even being at McKinley is a constant reminder of Kurt and his absence. The few things in his life that were exciting for him were belittled, demeaned, and overshadowed by Kurt (s4e3). Blaine felt Kurt pulling away because of his new life, something he had been terrified of might happen (s3e17). Kurt knew that this was an insecurity of Blaine’s, and yet he doesn’t put any effort into assuaging his fears. Blaine shouldn’t have cheated, I’m certainly not saying it was justified, but Kurt contributed significantly to the problems in the relationship that led to this action, and that shouldn’t be overlooked. Blaine apologizes again, but Kurt rushes off. On what presumably is the next Monday, since the breakup happened on a Friday so there wouldn’t have been school the next day, Finn is back in Lima and he talks to Blaine. Blaine says that he doesn’t know why he cheated on Kurt, but now Kurt won’t talk to him and he doesn’t even know if they’re broken up, despite, again, three days passing. We see Kurt at work. He seems upset, but also says that he’ll be ok.

We see Blaine continue to beat himself up for a large amount of season 4, all the way through episode 11, where he starts to move on. In episode 7, Blaine is torturing himself about cheating. He almost leaves WMHS, but Sam talks to him about it. He affirms that it was a one night stand, that he felt nothing, and that he immediately regretted it. Kurt is upset for a while, but he refuses to take any responsibility. He also talks about how he doesn’t want to forgive Blaine because he wants him to feel bad, and only decides to accept Blaine’s apology for himself (s4e8). He calls Blaine right before Blaine is about to perform after ghosting him for weeks, but only to remind Blaine that he doesn’t forgive him and to lie to him about coming back to Lima for Christmas (s4e8). Kurt isn’t required to forgive Blaine, but he keeps holding it over Blaine’s head, reminding him of what he’s lost while he’s struggling, and given that he previously said that he wanted Blaine to suffer, it colors it slightly. On Christmas, Kurt decides not to go back to Lima for Christmas despite promising Blaine, and when Blaine comes to New York, he feels the need to ask, “You are happy to see me, right?” despite Kurt having said previously that he wanted to see Blaine for Christmas. Both Kurt and Blaine start to move on in season 4 episode 11, and although Blaine’s crush on Sam is real, he’s still very clearly in love with Kurt. Kurt is trying much harder to move on, and his relationship with Adam seems to have the potential to become more serious. He’s already pretty close with Adam in season 4 episode 13, and it seems like Adam is very interested in Kurt.

The next major turn of events comes in season 4 episode 14. At Will and Emma’s wedding, Blaine and Kurt are making out, and Kurt mentions that he shouldn’t be doing this because he’s kind of dating someone in New York. Blaine, somewhat desperately, assures him that it’s ok because he’s not in New York and it’s not exclusive. Kurt agrees but clarifies that this doesn’t mean that they’re back together. Blaine agrees, saying it’s just “bros helping bros”, but clearly he doesn’t actually feel that way. He’s still in love with Kurt, while Kurt is starting to move on. Kurt spends the entire reception flirting with Blaine while saying that he doesn’t want to get back together, and that would be fine if Blaine was in the same place as Kurt. But he isn’t. Blaine is just trying to claw his way out of the darkest place he’s ever been in, and he’s using Kurt to do this, but this isn’t healthy. He’s been conditioned to feel like he needs Kurt to feel worthy, and this is only reinforcing this. Kurt is also weirdly jealous when he finds out about the Tina situation for someone who isn’t interested in Blaine. Also, Tina makes fantastic points in that argument. Kurt and Blaine hook up, and Kurt, again, reiterates that they’re not getting back together, but Blaine isn’t in a place to see them having sex as casual and insignificant. He is viewing it as more, and Kurt is the older, more mature one, and he knows how Blaine feels. He is leading Blaine on by playing into it. Having sex, going on dates, he’s not letting Blaine move on like he is.

Speaking of Kurt moving on, let’s talk about Adam. Adam deserved better, even after that horrendous Baby Got Back performance. Adam genuinely likes Kurt. Immediately, he seems to care very deeply for Kurt and is very supportive and complimentary of him (s4e11, s4e13). However, this isn’t enough for Kurt. He still feels the need to have Blaine there for him too, so he sleeps with him despite kind of dating Adam (s4e14). Then in season 4 episode 15, Santana asks Kurt about him sleeping with Blaine at the wedding in front of Adam, and Kurt shushes her, trying to hide it from Adam as if he’s aware that he probably shouldn’t have done it. It probably wasn’t cheating in the strictest sense, but Adam does seem upset, although whether it’s by Kurt sleeping with Blaine or Kurt trying to hide it is unclear. They watch Moulin Rouge, and Kurt imagines himself singing Come What May with Blaine. He starts crying and Adam asks him about it. He lies to Adam’s face, lies to him about wearing contacts, tries to convince Rachel to go along with it, and would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for Santana. Santana calls him out, asking him if he’s crying because he used to say that he wanted to sing that duet with Blaine at their wedding. Kurt tries to shut it down, but Santana is unbothered and continues, saying she once heard Kurt say that singing that song was “a more intimate act than sex”. Adam looks a little confused and upset but doesn’t say anything. Kurt tries to leave, and Santana changes the subject. This comment from Santana confirms that Kurt is first and foremost a romantic, and that sex is not the most important thing to him. Later, after the storm is over, Adam talks to Kurt about Santana’s comment. He asks Kurt if he used to sing that song with Blaine, and Kurt says yes, but tries to minimize it. Adam asks if Kurt still loves Blaine. He doesn’t respond. Then Adam asks if he was Kurt’s rebound, saying that he can’t compete with a fantasy. Kurt says no and that he “desperately” wants to be over Blaine. Adam says that they’re going to go watch a sappy romantic movie to be their movie and to try and help Kurt move on. In season 5 episode 1, Blaine asks Kurt what the deal is with Adam, and Kurt claims that it never got serious, but the last time we saw Adam, it seemed like they were headed in that direction. Kurt mentions that he’s still seeing Adam in season 4 episode 17, and Sam mentions that Blaine didn’t know where Kurt and Adam stood in season 4 episode 22. We never see any indication that their relationship stopped, but Kurt agrees to start dating Blaine again, and then he’s dating Kurt for days before Blaine proposes, but as we find out in season 5 episode 4, Adam kicked Kurt out of the Adam’s Apples when he found out Kurt was engaged, which implies that Kurt didn’t officially break things off with Adam until after he got engaged. This only reinforces that Kurt hates committing to breakups. He always wants to keep his options open in case he needs a backup plan. Adam is a little weird, but he’s so sweet. He’s trying so hard to help Kurt even when Kurt is lying to him and lowkey playing him. There are a lot of reflections of how Kurt treats Blaine in how he treats Adam too. None of Kurt’s toxic behaviors are isolated, and none of the people in his life deserve to be treated the way he treats them.

I’ve already heavily analyzed the scene in season 5 episode 1 when Kurt and Blaine get back together, but I do want to briefly reiterate something before moving on. Kurt, despite knowing that he’s going to forgive Blaine, holds the cheating over Blaine, but he eventually does say he forgives Blaine, and that they can put it behind them. However, he doesn’t do this. In season 5 episode 7, Blaine has a complete mental breakdown. The New Directions weren’t listening to Blaine’s ideas, and he called Kurt looking for support, instead, Kurt calls Blaine a puppet master and then asks Blaine for support and to come to New York, which, of course, Blaine agrees to. However, Kurt insulting Blaine along with a gas leak in the choir room leads to Blaine’s downward spiral. He starts hallucinating puppets and then decides to make a puppet version of Kurt. Here’s where we get evidence that Blaine is very aware that Kurt hasn’t actually forgiven Blaine for cheating. He has his puppet say that he’s forgiven Blaine. Personally, I think this is quite sad, and we see Blaine’s insecurities and struggles with control highlighted in this episode. Then, in season 5 episode 16, there’s confirmation that Kurt is still holding it over Blaine’s head and hasn’t forgiven him. Kurt could have easily talked about getting tested, or even the last time he got tested, without bringing up Eli. It was unnecessary, and as I stated earlier, the way Blaine reacts implies that Kurt brings this up frequently. It’s controlling and cruel, and he’s not even criticized for it, by his friends or by the tone of the show itself. And this is something that only Kurt does. Rarely do the other characters in the show bring up cheating out of nowhere, and as mentioned, Blaine has never brought up Chandler since season 3 episode 17. In this episode, Kurt also gets incredibly jealous and controlling of Blaine watching porn, even though that’s none of his business, and if he was worried about their sex lives should have talked to Blaine about it.

Let’s talk about Karofsky because the way Kurt reacts to him is fascinating. In season 6 episode 1, Kurt had broken up with Blaine out of nowhere months ago, but he comes back to Lima with the express purpose to get back together with Blaine. However, upon meeting with Blaine, he reveals that he’s actually seeing someone, and Kurt’s first thought is that it’s Sebastian, which drives home that Kurt never got over the Sebastian thing, even though nothing happened between them, and he had no reason to think that anything ever would. Karofsky shows up and Kurt does not react well to this. He manages to not say anything against him explicitly, but his tone is mocking and sarcastic, and he leaves quickly to go cry in the bathroom. Initially, Blaine and Dave seem very happy, honestly, and this seems to upset Kurt (s6e1, s6e2, s6e3). Kurt is very passive-aggressive and jealous whenever he sees Dave and Blaine together, to the point where Blaine has to ask whether they need to come up with alternating sheet music schedules (s6e3). Kurt also refuses to admit that Blaine has moved on, pretending that they’re on a break until Britt calls him out about it and tells him that Blaine and Dave are moving in together (s6e3). He gets very bitter every time Blaine tries to talk about his boyfriend (s6e5). Then, Kurt begins to move on, but he still decides to cheat in order to get Blaine chosen to sing a duet with, undermining Blaine and Dave’s relationship. And when Blaine implies that Dave might not be fully comfortable with Blaine and Kurt singing together, Kurt implies that Dave’s paranoid and crazy, because nothing is going on, even though he is trying to undermine them and something is going on (s6e7). Kurt then manipulates Blaine’s feelings, pivoting the conversation away from Karofsky and to the past and pretending that he forgot their first duet, and then acts all surprised when Blaine kisses him like he hasn’t been trying to undermine Blaine’s relationship for weeks (s6e7). Then, knowing that Blaine still had feelings for him, he suddenly decides to stop pursuing Blaine right as Blaine breaks up with Dave (s6e7). And then Kurt does decide to go back to Blaine without knowing that he broke up with Dave, and just assumes it’ll work out (s6e8). Kurt does do everything in his power to get Blaine to break up with Dave without actually saying so. He’s highly manipulative, and he prevented Blaine from continuing a relationship that was really good for him. And for the record, no, I don’t think that Blaine and Dave would have made it long term, and their relationship is a little weird. Mostly, I don’t think it would have worked out because Dave would have reminded Blaine too much of Kurt, but they seemed to have a fairly healthy relationship, and I do think that if Kurt had let Blaine be, he could have moved on on his own time. I think Kurt interrupting this journey impacted Blaine in a very significant way and made him even more dependent on Kurt than he already was. However, Kurt is one of the main characters, so the show frames him pursuing Blaine as an epic love story, convincing the audience to root for Kurt.

Now that we’ve unpacked Kurt’s jealousy, let’s analyze Blaine’s jealousy, and how it’s framed vs. Kurt’s jealousy. Blaine does struggle with jealousy as well, but it is not the same as Kurt’s, and the show treats it in a very different way. Blaine is jealous of Chandler, but he has a right to be. Kurt is interested in him, and they were actively flirting. However, he’s framed as being unreasonable. The show and Kurt say that he’s overreacting, and in the end, it turns out that he’s not actually upset about Chandler, even though he had a right to be, and he forgives Kurt. But Blaine isn’t generally very jealous, so the next major event is in season 5 episodes 9 and 14. Kurt takes a picture with Elliott, and Elliott kisses him on the cheek in the picture. Blaine seems a little worried by the photo but doesn’t say anything until episode 14. Kurt is lashing out at Blaine because he feels smothered in their relationship and he mentions Elliott. Blaine snaps at Kurt jealously, and Kurt calls him a psycho. This is another example of the double standard when it comes to jealousy. Kurt is justified in being jealous of Sebastian for years when nothing happened, but Blaine gets a little jealous of Elliott after Kurt starts pulling away again, and he’s crazy and unreasonable. This is not only on Kurt as a character but also on the show. They both present Kurt as someone who can do no wrong, and Blaine as a terrible person the second he makes a minor mistake. Blaine leaves and goes to Elliott’s apartment. He yells at Elliott, but Elliott calms Blaine down and handles the situation very well. Blaine goes back to the loft and apologizes for his jealousy, something Kurt never does about any of the people he gets jealous of. Then, in season 5 episode 16, Kurt is getting ogled and hit on by several guys in his stage combat class, and Blaine feels uncomfortable with this. He doesn’t feel comfortable with Kurt being viewed as a sexual object. Both Kurt and the show frame Blaine as being unreasonable for this, however, in season 3 episode 17, Kurt expresses a similar discomfort. He calls Blaine an “alpha gay” and says that “even Rachel wanted to make out with [Blaine]”. Moreover, Blaine’s jealousy is not unfounded. The guy who is primarily hitting on Kurt is complimenting him heavily, something that Blaine knows from experience is something that Kurt responds to in the early stages of a relationship (s3e17, s4e11), and has caused Kurt to cheat in the past (s3e17). Kurt is also doing nothing to shut this guy down, despite him obviously flirting, which contrasts with how vigorously Blaine shut down Sebastian (s3e5). This continues throughout the episode, and Kurt never makes any moves to shut him down or assuage Blaine’s fears. In the end, as always, Blaine is the one forced to apologize. Finally, in season 6 we are introduced to Walter. When Kurt first mentions that he’s going on a date with Walter in episode 4, Blaine is clearly a little upset by it, but he is very supportive, and he’s dating Dave anyway, so he’s very good about it. Then in episode 7, Blaine comes to McKinley after breaking up with Dave to confess his feelings to Kurt, and Kurt is going out with Walter. Despite Walter being older than time, Blaine doesn’t say a single bad word against him and lets Kurt go. These two interactions contrast boldly with all of Kurt’s reactions to Karofsky. He is jealous, but he doesn’t take it out on Kurt’s budding relationship. The double standard of how cheating and jealousy are treated between them is completely unfair. Blaine has transgressed before, but so has Kurt, and that being brushed under the rug isn’t fair. In addition, the way Blaine is blamed for Sebastian flirting with him vs. the guy in Blaine’s combat class flirting with Kurt being forgotten almost immediately is the clearest example of this double standard that pervades their relationship and how it’s portrayed.

Blaine’s Relationship Missteps

Now, of course, Blaine isn’t perfect, and in the spirit of fairness, let’s look at all the times Blaine exhibited similar behaviors to the ones I’ve listed for Kurt. In season 2 episode 20, Blaine is initially nervous about Kurt’s prom outfit. He agrees with Burt that it’s provocative, and he’s worried about Kurt getting attacked or harassed at prom, which makes sense given his past experiences and what he’d seen Kurt go through that year. Of course, he should have been more supportive, but he comes around regardless. Throughout season 3, Blaine maintains an interesting relationship with Sebastian, and as we’ve discussed, I don’t think this was strictly wrong, but it did make Kurt uncomfortable, and potentially he could have been more responsive to this. But I’m not convinced by this one. In season 3 episode 5, Blaine pressures Kurt to have sex before he’s ready, reneging on a conversation they had had but a few days ago. The pressures of the musical and Sebastian are bearing down on him, and he definitely acts inappropriately. I’m not going to try and defend this one, that scene makes me very uncomfortable. Although I do think that Kurt’s jealousy was unfounded. In season 4 episode 4, Blaine cheats on Kurt, as discussed, this is wrong. He shouldn’t have done it, however, he did attempt to talk to Kurt about it, and Kurt shouldn’t have ignored and overshadowed Blaine. It doesn’t justify what he did, but it does contextualize it. In season 5 episode 14, Blaine gets very jealous of Elliott. This is unfounded and irrational, and he’s taking out his lack of control and confusion on Elliott. It’s a lot like the Sebastian situation, he has no reason to think anything is going on. This is different from season 5 episode 16, where Blaine is uncomfortable with other men hitting on Kurt. While I still think that this isn’t right, Kurt has given Blaine reason to think that this might be a problem in the past. The last time a guy complimented Kurt, he started a whole thing with him. It’s understandable why Blaine would be a little insecure. In season 6 episode 2, Blaine accuses Kurt of stealing Jane because he’s upset about Blaine and Dave dating, and while this is definitely paranoid, Kurt was upset about Dave, and Rachel and Kurt are not above poaching to get ahead. Finally, in season 6 episode 7, Blaine kisses Kurt while still dating Dave. This is also bad, but as discussed earlier, Kurt fostered the environment that led to this incident. I don’t think that any of these things should be dismissed, but I also don’t think that this is convincing evidence that Blaine is particularly toxic. Most of these seem like mistakes that could happen in a tumultuous relationship, and the fact that there are so few items on this list comparatively is significant.

Warped Ideas of Romance

Blaine also develops a very warped sense of romance and healthy relationship milestones over the course of the show, and I blame Kurt. Kurt has always been a romantic, and he instills into Blaine very early on in their relationship. He likes big grand gestures, and we see Blaine do that for Kurt many times, mostly through big songs. It became the primary way he communicated with Kurt. Blaine admits early on that not only has he never had a boyfriend before but that he feels like he doesn’t know what he’s doing at all when it comes to romance (s2e12). To be fair, Kurt is in a similar situation, but Kurt is older, and their relationship is dominated by Kurt all too often. This doesn’t become a problem until later on, though. It first rears its head in season 4 episode 21, when Blaine tells Burt that he wants to propose to Kurt and asks for his permission to do so, despite them not being together. Blaine mentions in that conversation that he knows that if he wants to get Kurt back, he has to do something big. In fact, Blaine almost proposes in that very episode. Then, in episode 22, he buys an engagement ring despite all of his friends protesting with very logical arguments and almost proposes again. In season 5 episode 1, they get back together, and Blaine tells everyone that he needs to make the proposal even bigger and more dramatic now that he’s back together with Kurt. They have only been together for a few days, but at least this is a little better than proposing when you’ve been broken up for months. And Kurt says yes anyway. This idea pervades their whole relationship, but it doesn’t come back in a big way until season 6 episode 8 (although he does seem to move in with Dave pretty early in their relationship (s6e3). They couldn’t have been together for more than a few months, because the end of season 5 is the summer, and the beginning of season 6 is right at the beginning of the school year). Tina asks Blaine, Artie, and Puck whether she should propose to Mike at Santana and Brittany’s wedding, even though they aren’t together and haven’t even seen each other in person for a long time. Blaine’s first response is that he thinks it’s romantic when it’s clearly insane. Then when Brittany and Sue ask him and Kurt to get married, Blaine says yes. He is the one who decides it because Kurt refuses to give a straight answer to anyone ever. But to be fair, I wouldn’t want to get married in that suit either, it’s bad. They also have a baby super young for performers in New York (s6e13). Blaine doesn’t know what a healthy relationship looks like, and it’s very worrying.

Communication

Next, let’s discuss how bad they are at communication, especially Kurt. Not only is Kurt bad at communication, but he actively shuts it down so often. As mentioned, Blaine is new to relationships, and he is actively taught that the best way to communicate with Kurt is by singing. Kurt doesn’t respond to conversation, he always shuts it down and only responds to Blaine’s concerns when he sings. For example, in season 5 episode 20, Blaine sings All of Me to tell Kurt that he lied about Kurt being in June’s show. When Kurt gets angry about it, Blaine explains that he had no idea how to tell Kurt about the show without lying, and then he didn’t know how to tell Kurt about the lie, because he was scared of hurting Kurt. This is also not the first time that Blaine has been so afraid of Kurt that he’s felt the need to lie to him. In season 5 episode 7, Blaine gets detention and is unable to attend Kurt’s first Pamela Landsbury gig or risk suspension. He doesn’t know to break the news to Kurt for fear of hurting Kurt’s feelings and doesn’t call Kurt to let him know that he can’t make it, and waits until Kurt calls him right before the performance to tell him. Now, this is obviously bad, but it shows how Blaine doesn’t know how to talk to Kurt and how he’s always walking on eggshells around him. There are too many examples of Kurt shutting down Blaine when he tries to communicate openly, so let’s look at them. With graduation coming up, Blaine tries to talk to Kurt about doing long distance, and Kurt says that he wants to be in denial for a few more days. Blaine tries again to talk about it, but Kurt shuts him down again with flowery words and empty promises (s3e22). When Kurt is in New York, he starts ignoring Blaine, and when Blaine reaches out, Kurt shuts it down and does nothing to change (s4e4). In season 5 episode 14, Blaine openly asks Kurt if he’s crowding him, and even though he is, Kurt lies to Blaine about it. Then, in season 5 episode 16, Blaine tries to clear the air about the fight over the porn, and Kurt shuts it down, saying that they talk too much, when really they don’t talk at all. This is a pattern of behavior for Kurt, and it shouldn’t be. Kurt never asks Blaine when something is wrong, even if he can tell he’s upset (s3e17, s5e14, s5e16), and their relationship has to be pushed to the breaking point before Kurt puts any work in (s3e17, s5e14, s5e16, s6e1). Except when Blaine sings. In season 4 episode 4 and season 5 episode 20, Kurt asks Blaine what is wrong, but only because Blaine sang about it. Even though he is aware when Blaine is insecure or having issues, he only directly talks to Blaine about it when he sings it. This is not healthy. It encourages Blaine to withdraw and not try to keep communication open, which is already something Blaine struggles with (s3e17, s5e16). Kurt doesn’t want to communicate, and Blaine doesn’t know how to reach him. It’s dangerous and worrying.

Kurt’s Toxicity Outside His Relationship with Blaine

Now, the reason I think that the toxicity is mostly Kurt’s fault and not just a bad relationship that brings out the worst in both of them is that he acts in similar ways in his relationships with other people as well. For example, in season 1, Kurt is very predatory towards Finn. He spends much of the season hitting on him (s1e10), trying to get their parents together so they can live together (s1e16), and trying to sabotage Finn’s relationships (s1e10, s1e11). Like in his relationship with Blaine, he pushes Finn, not taking no for an answer, until Finn snaps and uses the f-slur (s1e20). Obviously, Finn shouldn’t have said that, but the actions Kurt took to drive him to that point can’t be dismissed out of hand. However, as in his arguments with Blaine, Kurt refuses to take any responsibility, playing the victim card even when Finn and Burt call him out for not understanding that no means no (s2e4, s2e14). He also exhibits jealous and possessive behaviors around Burt. When Burt starts getting closer to Finn, Kurt is unreasonably upset by it. Despite Burt being completely supportive of him, he thinks that his sexuality is the reason Burt is inviting Finn to go to sports games and not that Kurt notoriously hates sports (s1e16). In season 2, Kurt accuses Mr. Shue and Burt of being homophobic when they don’t let him do things he wants (s2e6, s2e14). He implies that Will is homophobic when he won’t let Kurt sing on the girls’ team during the season 2 girls vs. boys mash-up competition (s2e6). Then, in episode 14, Burt tells Kurt that he doesn’t want Kurt having boys sleep over in his bed, Kurt accuses Burt of being homophobic. Burt says that it’s not about that because he wouldn’t let Finn have girls sleep over in his room, but Kurt persists, asking him if that would make him uncomfortable, even though Burt had been nothing but supportive of Kurt since he came out (s2e14). When Burt has cancer and Kurt comes back to Lima in season 4 episode 22, he starts lashing out at people. First, he lashes out at Mike for bringing up the Tina Vaporape situation, and then he yells at Burt at his own doctor’s appointment for wearing a navy shirt. In season 6, Kurt gets very controlling about the glee club even though Rachel was the one who brought the club back. He fights Rachel on how to organize the sheet music (even though Rachel’s method makes more sense and his is wildly subjective) (s6e2) and what the lessons are/how to present them (s6e3). He also interrupted Santana’s proposal and was unnecessarily harsh when critiquing Mason and Jane’s performance because he’s upset about Blaine (s6e3). To list some smaller instances, Kurt also blackmails Karofsky with outing him (s2e18), snaps his fingers at waitstaff (s3e10), encourages Rachel to cheat on Finn (s4e2), and is incredibly jealous of Elliot (s4e15, s5e7). The way we see Kurt act around Blaine isn’t isolated and it’s deeply concerning.

Bow Ties and Hair Gel Symbolism

Blaine’s ties and hair gel are symbolic of his relationship with Kurt and his insecurities respectively (I know the hair gel wasn’t intentional but I noticed it, it works, so I’m using it, whereas I’m pretty sure the bow tie symbolism was intentional). First, let’s talk about bow ties. The first time we see Blaine in street clothes is in season 2 episode 14. It’s before Kurt and Blaine start dating, and Blaine doesn’t wear a bow tie. The first time we see Blaine in a bow tie is in season 3 episode 1. Blaine has just transferred to McKinley for Kurt, and their relationship is very strong. However, their relationship is still new, and thus the bow tie is not yet Blaine’s signature. But he wears one here to signify his commitment to Kurt and their relationship. He continues to wear bow ties frequently through season 3, but not religiously. However, he does wear them more and more as the season progresses. There are a few notable exceptions to this. The first is in episode 5. When Blaine meets Sebastian (and every time he interacts with him), he is wearing one. When they go to Scandals, Blaine is still wearing a bow tie, but when he’s dancing with Sebastian and then when they’re fighting afterward Blaine’s tie is undone, but still around his neck. Sebastian and the musical are managing to get in between Kurt and Blaine, but Blaine still loves and cares about Kurt. They just need to get back on the same page. The second is in episode 17. Blaine does not wear a single bow tie in this episode. He does, however, wear a necktie in the scene where Kurt is texting Chandler in the choir room. In fact, when he sings It’s Not Right but It’s Ok and when Kurt sings I Have Nothing, he’s wearing a collared shirt buttoned all the way up, outfits that would normally have a bowtie, emphasizing the lack of one.

In season 4, Blaine actually stops wearing bowties almost entirely. In episodes 1 and 2, Blaine wears a bow tie with several outfits, in keeping with how frequently he wore them in season 3, not with every outfit, but with one or two outfits per episode. However, in episode 3, we get the most overt use of the bow tie as a metaphor. Early in the episode, Blaine’s wearing bow ties with all of his outfits (the most he’s worn bow ties this season), even with his weird club costumes. He brings up how he and Kurt aren’t really in sync right now, but his bow ties indicate that he’s still very committed to that relationship. Then, Kurt and Blaine are talking, and Blaine is being very supportive of Kurt and his New York adventures. Blaine mentions that he’s running for student body president, and Kurt says that he forgot about that. Blaine then asks Kurt which bow tie he should wear for the debate, and Kurt brushes it off and pivots the conversation back to him. Blaine is clearly upset, but he goes along with Kurt. This scene uses bow ties to directly illustrate how Kurt is moving on, and how it’s hurting Blaine. He’s not supporting Blaine or hearing his concerns about the relationship, and it’s driving Blaine away. This is emphasized when at the debate, Sam tells Blaine he shouldn’t wear a bow tie, saying it makes him look uptight and telling him to take it off. Blaine even agrees that he looks better without it. This symbolizes the downfall of Blaine and Kurt’s relationship. Kurt’s ignoring Blaine, and it’s given Blaine doubts about the relationship. Blaine doesn’t wear a bow tie for the rest of the episode, as Kurt continues to ignore Blaine, even though Blaine getting elected. Blaine continues this pattern in episode 4, not wearing a single bow tie for the whole episode, and after the breakup, he only wears 3 bow ties in the entire rest of the season. He wears one at the Sadie Hawking’s dance, right after confessing his crush on Sam to Tina (s4e11) and one in the final song of season 4 episode 20, after having a moment with a guy at Sue’s exercise class. Notably, he doesn’t wear a bow tie to Will and Emma’s wedding, where he starts to reconnect with Kurt, he wears a necktie, but interestingly, Kurt wears a bow tie. Blaine even comments on it, saying, “You in this fey boy-tie. Dude, it’s my kryptonite”. He does, however, wear one later in that episode, after several leading conversations with Kurt. They’re not back together though, so Blaine doesn’t wear another bow tie until season 5 episode 1 (he also wears one in Kurt’s fantasy of Come What May, but Blaine isn’t actually wearing it, Kurt’s fantasy version of him is, which makes sense).

In season 5, he gets much more consistent with wearing bow ties. It’s now his signature, so when he doesn’t wear one, it’s usually significant, and if he doesn’t wear one at all in an episode it’s definitely significant. Even before he officially asks Kurt to get back together with him, Blaine is wearing bow ties with all of his outfits. After they get back together and get engaged, Blaine continues to wear bow ties with most of his outfits. Let’s briefly go through some important examples. In episode 7, Kurt and Blaine get into a fight because Blaine didn’t tell Kurt that he couldn’t come to his first Pamela Landsbury gig, and Blaine isn’t wearing a bow tie. In episode 14, Blaine doesn’t wear a single bow tie until after he and Kurt have the conversation about him moving out, and then he wears a bow tie with every outfit in the remainder of the episode. He also doesn’t wear any bow ties at all in episode 16. Even after Blaine and Kurt have their conversation about communication and trust, Blaine still doesn’t wear a bow tie, signaling that he still isn’t happy with the relationship or himself. In episode 18, Blaine wears a lot of bow ties early in the episode, including when June tells him to break up with Kurt, however, when he lies to Kurt about him being in June’s showcase, he isn’t wearing one. He continues not wearing bow ties in episode 19 and early episode 20, as June and his lie drive a wedge between them. However, in the reconciliation scene, Blaine is wearing a bow tie, as he offers to give up the showcase and Kurt forgives him. Blaine wears a bow tie at the showcase and when moving back in with Kurt, but not in the goodbye or the scene where Rachel confirms she’s leaving, perhaps foreshadowing the season 6 break up. Season 6 is when Blaine is actually most consistent in wearing bow ties, which is interesting because he isn’t even with Kurt for most of it. It shows how Blaine is still deeply in love with Kurt despite appearances of moving on. The only two really important scenes in season 6 are the breakup scene in episode 1 and the elevator scenes in episode 5. He isn’t wearing a bow tie in the breakup scene, which makes sense, but other than that, he’s seen wearing a bow tie with almost every outfit for the rest of the season (a mini exception is when he tries to completely switch it up in episode 2, which doesn’t really need analysis but is a good example of this symbolism in action), and every scene with Dave. The interesting part is the elevator scenes. Blaine starts out wearing a bow tie but undoes it while in the elevator. Previously, this had been used to represent an issue in their relationship, but I don’t think that’s what it represents here. Blaine has been carrying his love for Kurt with him into his new relationship, afraid to let go of the good, but also unable to let go of the pain he experienced during the relationship. It’s restricting him. Blaine undoing the tie but keeping it around his neck is him opening up to Kurt, allowing the restrictive aspect to go, without letting go of the love he still clearly feels.

Now, on to the speculative part, Blaine’s hair gel. Throughout the show, Blaine starts using more hair gel and suppressing his natural curl pattern even more. In season 2, Blaine's hair is gelled, but in a way that embraces his natural hair. You can still tell that he has curly hair underneath it all, and it reflects the relaxed, more confident, version of Blaine that we see at this point in the show (ex. s2e6). Kurt only reinforces Blaine’s insecurities, and this is demonstrated in season 3 episode 19. Blaine is worried about not being able to gel his hair for prom, and Kurt initially laughs at and dismisses Blaine’s concerns. Then, at prom, when Kurt first sees Blaine without hair gel, his first responses are, “Oh dear God,” and then laughing. He does eventually say that he wants to see the real Blaine, however, all of his actions leading up to this point don't support that, despite his knowledge of how insecure Blaine is. Blaine’s hair is used as a metaphor for Blaine letting his walls down within the episode, but the whole interaction is a metaphor for the way Kurt acts around Blaine for the entire show. He reinforces Blaine’s concerns and insecurities while saying with his words that he supports and loves him. Clearly, Blaine doesn’t believe that Kurt likes seeing him with his natural hair because, over the course of Blaine's relationship with Kurt, he tightens his hair even more. Slowly, his hair gets tighter and tighter to his scalp. Compare season 2 episode 6, to season 3 episode 5, to season 4 episode 1. We even see Blaine with gelled hair going to sleep and waking up when he's around Kurt (s4e4,s5e14, s5e16). Waking up with perfectly gelled hair is especially interesting because it implies that either Blaine is using some crazy strong hair gel to avoid his hair moving in the middle of the night, or that he's getting up putting hair gel in, and then getting back into bed, so Kurt doesn't see him with his natural hair. The only time we see Blaine with his natural hair, or even with more relaxed hair, are in episodes during the break up where Kurt isn’t seeing Blaine (s4e13, s4e17). It's the tightest in season 5 episode 14, which is also one of the episodes where Blaine is at his worst. He's struggling with his insecurities in a major way, and when he goes over to Elliott's house, his hair is basically Shellacked to his head (s5e14). It loosens a little bit in the next few episodes, however, there is no significant difference until season 6. It's still not back to where it was in season 2, however now that he and Kurt aren’t together anymore, he seems to have let his hair relax a little (ex s6e2). He even briefly stops gelling his hair after breaking up with Kurt. However, his insecurities run too deep and he starts doing it again. In the end, Blaine does stop gelling his hair, but he’s still unable to be his true self around Kurt and starts straightening his hair instead (s6e13). Blaine is never able to let go of his insecurities and be himself around Kurt, and both the symbolic and literal implications of this illustrate perfectly how terrible his relationship with Kurt is for Blaine.

Conclusion

In conclusion, Kurt and Blaine’s relationship isn’t healthy, and the responsibility is mostly on Kurt. Despite their chemistry and outward appearances, their relationship is toxic and potentially abusive. Kurt doesn’t care about Blaine, he cares about himself, and he’s willing to destroy Blaine’s life if it benefits him. Blaine, on the other hand, cares so deeply about Kurt that he doesn’t even care that their relationship is damaging to him. They struggle with even the basic communication and trust that a relationship needs, and seem to believe that love is the only thing they need to keep their relationship alive. Kurt is manipulative, cruel, and takes every opportunity to tear Blaine down so he can have power over him. He hates being vulnerable and needs to be able to exert control over Blaine. He uses Blaine’s insecurity and inexperience to assure that Blaine is as small and reliant on Kurt as possible. He holds Blaine’s every little mistake over Blaine’s head, refuses to take responsibility for any of their problems, and minimizes his own mistakes. Kurt is incredibly jealous, often unfoundedly, and yet calls Blaine unreasonable when he displays any signs of jealousy himself. Their relationship damages Blaine irreparably, to the point that comparing Blaine in season 2 to Blaine in season 6 shows two almost completely different people. But it doesn’t come out of nowhere, Kurt systematically and intentionally cuts Blaine down and turns him into the person he wants him to be. A person he can control. It is not random, it is not uncharacteristic for either of them and when their relationship is interpreted through this lens, explains a lot about how Blaine develops as a character. Even if their relationship isn’t abusive, it certainly isn’t good, and it shouldn’t be romanticized.

#glee #klaine #kurt hummel #blaine anderson #glee meta #glee headcanon #gleeposting 😔#just my opinion lol #but if anyone wants to fight me on this i do require that you read my full analysis first #just so you dont embarrass yourself #lol #im obviously not trying to cancel kurt or klaine or anything like that #i just want to point this out since i havent seen anyone mention it #and maybe encourage yall not to romanticize their relationship #sorry this took so long to write #asks #agronsland

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anotheronechicagobog · 4 years

Text

The Crackship Sails To Molly’s - Jay Halstead x Ethan Choi

written by @anotheronechicagobog

A/N: Homophobia, the Catholic church, Catholic guilt, mention of canon-compliant violence, mention of two men having sex, it’s all pretty mild but I wanted to make sure it was all in the warnings, also I don’t like Doris and it shows

A/N 2: What do you guys think their ship name would be? Choistead? Haloi?

A/N 3: If you have a problem with LGBTQ people please go fuck yourself

They ran into each other at the last place they thought they would. Since Jay and Ethan had both been in the military, though in different factions, they figured they might run into each other at military events, they already had. But literally bumping into each other at an LGBTQ+ military personnel picnic? That shocked both of them. Ethan took notice of Jay’s pansexual flag pin and Jay looked at Ethan’s bisexual one. After the initial shock wore off, Ethan smiled, he was happy to know that he wasn’t alone in his social circle. Sure, Leslie Shay was a loud and proud lesbian, but they didn’t have anything in common and just made sure to say ‘hi’ whenever they ran into each other and buy each other nachos whenever they ran into each other at pride events (don’t ask, it just became their thing). Ethan went to give him a ‘dude hug’, as Leslie had dubbed them, when he noticed the fear etched onto Jay’s face. “Halstead, are you okay?” Honestly, he looked like he was about to burst into tears. “Jus- uhh” Jay hiccuped and Ethan was now justifiably worried. “Don’t tell Will.” And then Jay ran away from Ethan and the gentle arm he’d had on his shoulder like a bat out of hell. Jay could still feel the warmth of Ethan’s hand on his right shoulder as he drove away.

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Ethan didn’t tell Will. He didn’t give any indication that he knew something Will didn’t. He understood how important it was for him to keep quiet, but at the same time, it was so hard. Ethan wanted nothing more than to march up to the redhead and beat some sense into him. Will had obviously made to Jay that he wouldn’t be accepted if he came out. And he didn’t care, quite frankly. He had absolutely no sympathy for homophobes, he was done giving kindness and sympathy to people who wished that others wouldn’t exist because it deviated out of what they considered ‘normal’. So he’d gone back to being impassive and straight-faced. He pushed all of his feelings down because if he allowed himself to feel anything it would be complete and utter rage.

The next time he saw Jay was when he’d come into the ED to interview an assault victim. Apparently, there was a group of men catfishing and then assaulting LGBTQ+ men. Ethan’s heart ached just thinking about the case, all of the injured, betrayed victims. And Jay. Ethan didn’t want to know what was going through his mind, he probably viewed this as another reason not to come out.

The eye contact between them was brief, but Jay showed him vulnerability, and then thanks when Ethan gave him a sympathetic smile. Just trying to untangibley reach out and connect with his aching soul. And then suddenly it was gone, the grace that had bound the two of them temporarily, and Ethan had to watch with a sinking heart as Jay emotionally shrunk in on himself. “How’s our victim doing, Choi?”

“Not great, I’m afraid. He’ll live, but there’s going to be long lasting health problems for him.”

“That’s terrible.”

“Yeah, it is.”

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Two days later, after the catfishing homophobes were caught, Ethan ran into Jay outside of Molly’s. His eyes were dark, broad shoulders were slumped, and he moved like his mind possessed all the strength his body just couldn’t muster. “Hey Choi- uh, Ethan?”

“Yeah?”

“Could we go somewhere to talk? Maybe get a drink?”

“Well, we are standing outside of a bar.”

“Somewhere that’s not packed to the seams with nosey people who know who I... Don’t want to hear what I want to talk... About. Y’know what? This was stupid-”

“How about Osso’s? Over on Folger street? It’s not a bar, but I’m starving and their booths have curtains.”

“Yeah, that sounds great, actually, thanks.”

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“I figured out that I was bi when I was fourteen. I was watching The Mummy for the first time and I couldn’t stop thinking about how hot Brendan Fraser was. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Rachel Weisz was hot too, but Brendan really got my attention. When the movie was over, uh, well let’s just say that my Catholic guilt took hold. My mom knew, I told her when I was seventeen, and she kept trying to set me up with her friends’ daughters. She didn’t care, just told me that she loved me and that there was nothing wrong with me, but that I shouldn’t tell my dad or Will. She didn’t sugarcoat anything, she took me to this secluded spot on the pier and told me about homophobia and how bad it was, not just morally, but that it ran rampant, and that my father and brother were two heavy believers in an institution who made it their mission to oppress as many people as possible. Looking back, I think my dad knew, don’t know how or if he actually does, it’s just more of a gut feeling. My brother is still incredibly Catholic, he’s become more accepting over time, but it’s clear that while he’s okay with strangers being LGBTQ+, he’s not okay with anyone he’s close to being anything other than straight. The, uh, my first time I was nineteen and it was during my rangers training, with one of my now best friends, who I dated during that time for a while. Everything kinda fell apart when we got discharged. Mouse or-”

“Greg Gerwitz. I remember him.”

“Yeah, we broke up after we were discharged. Well, he broke up with me. Neither of us were handling being back well but he was handling it worse. It hurt like he;;, I missed him so much. After I started in Intelligence I brought him in as a CI. I just wanted to know he was okay, be near him again. But he was not the same man I’d fallen in love with. He was an addict, had a record, a small one, but still. I broke my heart almost as much as our breakup did. A little later I got him a job as our tech guy. It was good having him around, especially cause he was coming back, y’know? He’d quit his habits, became a law-abiding citizen. It was great. Then, he asked me out, asked me to take him back, and I did. Without a second of hesitation. Being together again felt amazing, but then he got his record expunged, dumped me, again, and went back to the rangers. It completely tore me to pieces, I got time off and didn’t get out of bed for two weeks after he deployed. Uh, wow, sorry to unload all of that on you. And that was probably a lot of information you didn’t want to hear-”

“No, no, Jay. It’s actually nice to talk about this, even though I’m out and open, I don’t actually get the chance to talk about it all that much. I’d actually like to share if you don’t mind.”

“Not at all, go ahead.”

“I was twenty-one when I figured it out. I was on brief leave in the navy, just a couple of days without duties while we were docked in Puerto Rico. I got pretty drunk, a guy I was dancing near was pretty drunk too, he kissed me, I kissed him back, and one thing lead to another. When I got back to port the next day, my friends all asked where I’d gone off to. I told them I got laid. It didn’t really hit me until the following night when I was in my bunk, lying awake because I couldn’t forget the feeling of his lips, or the callouses on his hands, or... Other quite honestly filthy details I probably shouldn’t share in a public place. I couldn’t sleep properly for two weeks, I come from a traditional Korean family. All I could think about was how they’d react. What would they do if they found out? I found out when I was twenty-nine. My sister, Emily, had somehow found out, and when she burst through the door, drunk off her ass, at the first Thanksgiving I’d been able to attend in five years, she announced it to everyone when I tried to calm her down and get her up to bed. The look, on my parents’ faces, I couldn’t even look at my grandparents. I just said sorry and ran out. I crashed at a fling’s place for a week. I couldn’t bring myself to pick up the phone or to go see them. I felt like someone had put my chest through a trash compactor, I couldn’t stop crying. I had lost my entire family in less than ten seconds. You know that subtle, back of the mind dread you feel when you’re boarding a plane for your next deployment? Normally, you push it away, accept it’s a possibility but try not to think about it. I welcomed it. I hoped I’d get killed, that I wouldn’t make it home. But then... My grandparents were at my gate. Their faces just lit up and they welcomed me with open arms. They both hugged me and made me promise to come home, not to be a hero. They gave me hope. They loved and supported me, went toe-to-toe with the rest of my family for me. I’ll never be able to thank them enough.”

“They sound really great, I’m glad that you have them.”

“Yeah, me too.”

Suddenly the heavy curtain closing off their booth from the rest of the world was pushed to the side. “Gentlemen, your food is ready. Who ordered the grilled salmon?”

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Ethan and Jay had grown much closer, having bi-weekly dinners. Sometimes at Osso’s, sometimes at Bartoli's, sometimes at their own apartments. They’d become close, close friends. But because drama followed them around like a moth to a flame because it felt like they lived in an overly dramatic tv show sometimes, it couldn’t stay that way.

Jay started to watch Ethan when he licked his lips after he took a sip of a drink, when the muscles in his arms lengthened themselves when he reached for something, that twinkle he got in his eyes whenever he got cocky. Jay knew what was happening from the first moment he found himself looking at Ethan’s lips for more than a millisecond. He was falling in love. And all that he could do was loathe himself for boarding a vessel with impending doom.

Reasons I Can’t Fall In Love With Ethan

Will doesn’t know I’m bi

Ethan works with Will

Ethan is in the reserves and Mouse left me to go back to a warzone, it would kill me if it happened a second time

His ex, April, is currently trying to get back together with him

April also works with Ethan and Will

Ethan doesn’t love me so I’d just be ruining our friendship

Jay looked down at his list and recited it in his head, over and over again. He needed to memorize it, live by it. If he didn’t his entire world, which he just finally found comfort in again, would crumble to the ground.

Jay didn’t distance himself from Ethan, his heart wouldn’t let him, but it got harder and harder to ignore his ever-growing feelings. But he couldn’t tell Ethan, he couldn’t be with Ethan, he knew that far too well. So the next time Ethan confided in Jay that April had made a move on him Jay did something incredibly, fabulously, thoroughly idiotic. “You should ask April out, man. I think that you guys would be great together.”

Yup.

He actually did that.

Sigh.

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“Alright, who is she?”

“Excuse me?”

“Come on Jay, I’m your brother. I know you. The last time you looked like this and were drinking vodka, of all things, was when Erin left. You only drink vodka when you’re experiencing troubles of the heart.”

“I drank vodka when Mouse went back to the rangers.”

“After he’d broken up with you to go back to the same warzone he’d almost died in.”

Jay choked on his drink and felt his heart plummet out of his body and onto the floor. Burning tears blurred his vision and Jay felt more afraid than he’d ever felt in his life. He’d been shot at, blown up, shot at again, taken hostage, tortured, and he never felt this scared, this small. “Jay? Oh my god, Jay are you okay? Breathe, man.” But he couldn’t. Why couldn’t he breathe? Why was his chest so tight? Why couldn’t he move? Suddenly he was yanked off of his couch and onto the floor, his head shoved between his bent knees. “Deep breaths, Jay. Just take slow deep breaths, in and out, just like me... Okay... Good, name five things you can feel, four things you can see, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste.”

“Uh... floor, couch leg, carpet, coffee table... you... Um, I, uh, I see...”

“Four things you can see.”

“Jeans, scrubs, crumbs, Kim’s wine stain... Hear, u-uh, Netflix, heating system, the Needlers arguing again...”

“Your neighbours sure do fight a lot, but you’re doing great. Keep going. Two things you can smell.”

“... Pizza and your terrible cologne...”

“Ignoring that, one thing you can taste.”

“Your terrible cologne. Seriously, Will, your supposed to spritz it, not douse yourself in it.”

“Well you’re feeling better, but you’re still shaking. You feel a bit cold, get back on the couch I’m gonna grab you a blanket.” Will was right, he was still shaking, and he felt cold to the bone. His heart was pounding so hard it was terrifying and his chest was still tight... But he was feeling better. Panic attack. He’d gotten them before, along with anxiety attacks, night terrors, and paranoia. All connected to his PTSD. He’d just never had a panic attack about his sexuality before, only about the action he’d gotten overseas and in Chicago. When Will returned with a thick fluffy blanket he’d gotten from Kim for secret Santa, the same night she’d made that wine stain on his carpet, Jay was on the couch and gripping his knees tightly, trying to get a grip on himself. Will had also brought Jay’s first aid kit and was checking him over, after he’d been wrapped up like a traumatized child, and Jay released a shaky breath, unable to look his brother in the eye before speaking at the same volume as a mouse. “How long have you known?”

Will stopped what he was doing and regarded his brother. Jay was older and had always been Will’s hero growing up but right now... He just looked like he needed a hug. “I’ve known since you were nineteen. You brought Mouse back to visit with you while you guys had leave and when mom and dad had work and I had school, you guys had the place to yourselves. I realized when I was a couple of minutes away from the house that I’d forgotten my lunch, so I went back to get it. When I walked in you guys were making out on the couch. You were really... into each other, you didn’t even notice me. I was gonna bolt to the kitchen and back... But then you took off each other’s shirts and started reaching for belts so I bolted. I love you, Jay, and I don’t care who you have sex with, but I never want to actually see it.”

“Jeez, I’m sorry we must have traumatized you.”

“No you didn’t, I would’ve reacted the same way if I saw you with a girl... Which we both know is true cause you and Erin had a very bad habit of not closing your bedroom door.”

“Sorry about that... If you’ve known all this time, why have you never said anything? I mean you used to make these weird comments about being related to gay people, but...”

“I thought that you needed to be the one to tell me. It was your closet to exit, I thought it would’ve been rude to force it. And about those comments, I don’t know, it’s just you never told me. More and more time passed, and from the letters you were sending mom I could tell you and Mouse were still together but you never said anything. I was trying to give you hints that I don’t care, your sexuality doesn’t matter to me. I love you no matter what. The only reason that I brought up any of this now, forced you out of the closet... I’ve never seen you like this. It rivals when you came back. You are hurting and I want to be there for you, but I can’t if you won’t talk to me, if you won’t let me in.”

“But I’m sinning. You’ve always been more devout than me.”

Will scoffed. “Have you been reading the news? The Catholic church really can’t decide what’s right and wrong considering all they’ve done and covered up. Plus, did you really think I was going to make all my life choices based on the teachings given to me by men who forced us to wear plaid suit jackets for elementary and high school? Really, I can’t wear plaid anymore, I don’t understand how you can tolerate it, I swear I’ve got plaid PTSD.”

“Well, maybe it’s cause I actually have PTSD and there are far worse things to go through than having to wear plaid to school every day.”

“That was a bad comment, I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright... So you’re really okay that I’m bi?”

“As long as you're happy, I’m happy.”

“You have no idea how much it means to me to hear you say that and mean it.”

Jay was tearing up again, but this time they were happy tears. Will just wrapped his big brother in a hug and relished ina feeling of closeness that he hadn’t felt since they were kids.

“Okay, now seriously Jay, who’s giving your heart trouble?”

“I don’t know, Will...”

“As long as it’s not Connor Rhodes I don’t care.”

“Well...”

“Oh no-”

“Ha! Just kidding! Your face, seriously, what did that guy ever do to you?”

“We’re not talking about the man who thinks he’s smarter than me. C’mon, tell me who it is. Is it someone I work with?”

“It’s Ethan Choi...”

“You guys have been spending a lot of time together over the past year, so I can see that. And he’s pan, right? Yeah, I think that you guys would be cute together and I think he’s got a thing for you, honestly. Why don’t you ask him out?”

Jay fell back and groaned. “I told him to ask out April the next time she hits on him.”

Will just blinked and stared at his masochistic and self-sacrificing moron of an older brother. “Why would you say that?! You clearly like him! You idiot!”

“... I’m gonna need the vodka back if we’re gonna keep talking about this.”

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Jay felt like the weight he’d had on his shoulders was traded for another. He wasn’t worried about Will despising his existence anymore, but now he had to watch Ethan date April. And on top of all that, Will was always on his case about his miserably non-existent love life. So yeah, he wasn’t really enjoying his life at the moment. He was currently sitting up at the bar at Molly’s, avoiding ‘chexton’. He could hear April’s giggles and Doris squawking “you’re so perfect for each other!”, “I’m so glad you got back together!”, and “I call maid of honour!” over and over and over again. He knocked back the last of his beer when his phone buzzed.

Mouse: Hey Jay, I’m back on leave for a couple of days, just got off the plane. Want to meet up?

Jay: Sure, you up for a beer at Molly’s? I’m here right now.

Mouse: Actually I was thinking of a different kind of meet up. Your place? Just the two of us?

Jay: Sounds like a plan.

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Jay and Mouse spent the two days he was home screwing each others’ brains out. That really was the best way to put it. Their time together was hot, heavy, and passionate. They wouldn’t get back together, no, but there was a bond there that would always remain. They’d both had tension that needed to be released and release it they did. Jay dropped Mouse off at O’Hare early on the third day. “Hey, thanks for this weekend. It was nice, it was good to see you again, Jay.”

“Yeah, you too. Stay safe Greg.”

“It’s Greg now?”

“You’ll always be important to me. You were the first man I loved, but you’ve left me twice. I need to move on.”

“It sounds like you already have. I’m happy for you, you deserve nothing but happiness, Jay. But, uh, should you have just spent an entire weekend naked with me if you’re with someone?”

“He doesn’t love me back.”

“Is he straight?”

“No, but he’s pan and got a girlfriend.”

“I’m sorry Jay. For your situation and everything else.”

“I know. Stay safe.”

“I will.”

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Jay turned on his phone for the first time since he told Mouse to come over. He was met with an abundance of texts and missed calls. The texts were mostly from his colleagues, asking if he was going to be at Molly’s. A couple were from Will, asking if he wanted to get together to watch a game. The person who’d sent him the most texts and had made most of the missed calls was Ethan. Jay didn’t bother going through them all, he just sent his brother and Hailey quick text messages letting them know he was alive and would be at work on time, he’d just spent the weekend with a friend. He called Ethan as he made his way through the city. “Jay? Are you okay? Where have you been? I’ve been so worried, I called your brother and Hailey and none of them could tell me anything.”

“I was okay, I was at home the whole time.”

“But I went by your place, I knocked on your door, no one answered.”

“Oh, that was you? I thought it was Karen from down the hall. I was a little... Busy.”

“All weekend? Alone in your apartment? With no assigned case or old case that’s been bothering you?”

“Well, I wasn’t alone, actually.”

“What?”

“Yeah, Mouse was on leave for the weekend so he came over.”

“... You were alone with your ex-boyfriend for an entire weekend... Doing what?”

“Each other.”

“Damnit, Jay.”

“Eth-” And then Ethan hung up. Jay was confused and distressed, but he’d arrived at the district so his relationship with Ethan would have to wait. Well, friendship, not relationship.

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When Voight needed someone to go collect a statement from an accomplice at MED Jay’s reaction rivalled that of Katniss Everdeen. He was given a couple of odd looks, but he and Hailey made their way to the hospital, Hailey side-eying him the whole way. “Do you need to talk to Ethan?”

“Yeah, how did you know?”

“He hounded me for two days because you weren’t texting him back. He was really worried, Jay. What’s going on with you two? I mean, he was acting like...”

“Like what?”

“Like a worried boyfriend.”

“We’re not dating Hailey. Why would you think that?”

“Because you two look at each other the way Trudy and Mouch look at each other. Like you’ve hung the moon and the stars for each other. I don’t judge, Jay... You’re always really happy around him. I think you’d be good together.”

“He’s dating April.”

Hailey scoffed and rolled her eyes so hard her head rolled with them. “No, they’re not dating. She was acting like it, and Doris was yapping away about it on Friday at Molly’s, but Ethan was just quietly sitting there the whole night, he looked really uncomfortable honestly. A couple hours after you left he asked April if they could speak in private. It didn’t stay that way for long. Ethan had tried to tell her that he didn’t want to get back together and didn’t love her anymore, and she was upset, obviously. But it seemed like she understood. She hugged him and went to sit back at the nurses, but I guess she told them and Doris blew up, screamed at him, made a huge scene. April had to actually take her home. Ethan immediately came up to me and asked where you were.”

“Oh.”

“So you volunteered us to talk to him?”

“Yeah.”

“Good.”

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“Hey Ethan.”

“Can we talk, Jay?”

“Yeah, I’d really like that.”

“The doctor’s lounge is free, we can talk in there.” They entered the darkened gray room together, both feeling the tension between them. It felt strange to just stand there, in the middle of the room, and Ethan wasn’t meeting his gaze. So Jay sat down, hoping that Ethan would follow his lead. He did. “I’m sorry that I worried you.”

“Don’t apologize, I should actually be apologizing to you. You didn’t owe me an explanation, we don’t have the kind of... Relationship that warrants you letting me know when you’re going to disappear for a weekend with your ex. We’re just- We’re just friends.” Jay was silent for several moments, trying to think of what to say. How to phrase what he was feeling. There didn’t seem to be an eloquent way to phrase it, so he decided to just jump in and hope he didn’t get hurt. “I don’t want to be friends with you Ethan. I want to be more than that, I love you. I understand if you don’t feel the same way, but- I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I’ve been trying to distract myself, with Mouse most recently, but it didn’t work. It doesn’t change that I really want to kiss and date and be loved by you. Will you go out on a date with me?”

“Yes, there is quite literally nothing else I’d rather do. How about tonight, because I don’t think I can wait any longer. And I love you too.”

“I know that the wall behind us is basically just a window but I really want to kiss you-” Thankfully Ethan didn’t care about that, and gave Jay a kiss so incredible, he saw stars.

... And missed Hailey and Will high-fiving behind him.

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After informing the accomplice that he was being arrested for armed robbery, obstruction of justice, and public urination, Jay and his partner left MED. Jay was so happy he was practically vibrating as he skipped out of the hospital. His, highly amused, partner got into the passenger side of his truck and thumped his shoulder. “See? I told you that he likes you.”

“How did you figure out I’m not straight, anyway? I’ve... Played that pretty close to the vest. I only told Will a week ago.”

“You know Nico’s Diner over in Greektown?”

“Yeah.”

“My family owns it. I started working there when I was nine, I think? I worked there through high school and college. And I go there once a month to catch up with my brothers. You used to go there all the time with this guy and you’d hold hands and kiss him quite a bit, so I figured you were more than friends. I recognized you when I walked onto that robbery scene a couple years ago.”

“So you knew, this entire time, that I was bisexual and you didn’t say anything to anyone? Why not?”

“It wasn’t my place to tell Jay, besides, I didn’t know that you were bisexual, just that you liked men. I just spoke up now because you were really hurting Jay, it was so obvious, and it was obvious that Ethan was hurting too. I really hope that you guys are happy together.”

“Thanks, me too.”

“Soooo... Where are you gonna take Ethan on your big date?”

#One Chicago #chicago med #Chicago PD #ethan choi #jay halstead #ethan choi x jay halstead #jay halstead x ethan choi #will halstead #hailey upton #greg gerwitz #greg mouse gerwitz

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yourpakichic · 4 years

Text

Episode 15 Thoughts

-Broken. Both of them. I want to hug them both soooo bad. Serkan looks so defeated while talking to Engin, it’s heartbreaking.

-The parallels between their conversations. Great choice of revealing after thoughts from both sides.

-RUHIKIZIM. Soulmates. They said it, not me. To be very honest, I was surprised to hear Serkan mention anything about soulmates cause I don’t know why I just thought he would be the type to not believe in soulmates considering he’s always denied believing in the idea of love and pretty much running from anything that seems similar or so. But the fact that he not only believes in soulmates but knows Eda is his, just freaking makes my heart burst with happiness.

-The way she straight up and confronted him! I STAN ONE FEMALE LEAD AND IT IS EDA YILDIZ. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a female lead come out and straight up confront the male lead right after the break-up. But it’s so true to the core of Eda’s character, I loved it!

-It physically hurt to see him putting that photo and Eda’s gift in her belongings box. He’s returning the world that she gave him. He’s returning the kind of life he could live back to her. Turning back into that cold-hearted Serkan.

-I know Eda hates her grandmother. But seeing Eda go off on Ayfer really set how much. Ayfer is the only parental figure and up until this point, we’ve only seen Eda get a little bit confrontational with Ayfer (only about Serkan) but to see her yell and get mad at Ayfer for being in contact, woooo. I really am intrigued to find out the core of Eda’s hatred for her grandmother and why does she blame her for her parents death. We know the grandmother disapproved of her parents relationship but Eda hates her and wants no contact with her specifically for their death. So what exactly is the role of the grandmother in their death? And could it possibly change the way it’s been shown Serkan’s dad responsible for their death?

-The way Efe coming into this, I don’t like. Also Eda just let him into her house and everything? I really don’t know what to make of Efe. He definitely adds the third party angle well but I also don’t worry about Eda really falling for him or anything. Something about him just gives me weird vibes like trusting him is gonna be a mistake.

-THE FACT THAT SHE SHOWS UP LIKE THAT WITH EFE right after he says that to Engin. Serkan’s reaction was absolutely hilarious 😂 😂😂

-THE TENSION BETWEEN EDA/SERKAN. Takes me back to the beginning! Just goes to show the chemistry and the fire between these two!

-Erdem playing it cool and then absolutely cracking as soon as Fifi leaves 💀

-The ring conversation was to die for, they are both so petty and indifferent toward each other, I loved it!

-If Alptekin needs to tell the truth to anyone, it’s Eda. The first to hear about it should be Eda. The one to tell her has to be Alptekin. If Eda or Ayfer find out from anyone else or find out by accident, that would be such a cop out. It is not Serkan’s duty and nor should it be brought to light for everyone by an error. For Eda, it’s important to hear it straight out. Because that’s the only way there will be a way for their relationship to move forward. Otherwise, there’s too much blame left to go around.

-Engin is the most amazing friend. The way he just knew by Serkan’s look to inquire about Eda/Efe leaving. But the way Serkan tried to okay cool and disinterested....this man is a fool!

-Y’all if Efe turns out to be related to Eda, I’m gonna die!

-Serkan’s conversation with Aidan was so gentle and sweet. That’s probably one of the most revealing characteristics about Serkan is the way he treats his mother. Serkan always gives in and coddles to her wants and needs. And he talks so gently to her no matter what the situation or problem he himself is going through.

-Serkan’s anger with his dad is so fresh and strong to the point that he can’t even be near his dad. For many reasons. 1) Serkan is still mad at his dad for the way he was just sent away after his brothers death and pretty much exiled from their lives. 2) It’s clear that Alptekin always treated Serkan harshly when he made a mistake and yet he had made a huge one himself. And instead of teaching Serkan it’s okay to make mistakes and learn from them, he instead played hard when Serkan made mistakes. All the while he had made this huge mistake. 3) Alptekin’s mistake led Serkan to have to lose the only one he truly fell in love with. I mean Alptekin’s mistake caused the biggest loss/pain in his lover’s life and is the reason behind Eda’s sleeping habit and panic attacks. To know that, how can one expect Serkan to be okay with Alptekin and just continue to live as if nothing has happened. And knowing all that, how can Serkan be with Eda. Knowing that his father is the one who caused all this in Eda’s life. Now imagine is Eda were to know the truth. Can you imagine the pain, the anger she will feel. If Serkan’s anger is like this, imagine Eda’s. Eda isn’t afraid to confront anyone, we’ve seen that. Serkan knows that finding out the truth will hurt Eda, but also could hurt Alptekin. Due to Alptekin’s health scare, it’s understandable that Serkan wants to keep him from having any other issues and protect him. But he also wants to protect Eda. So in trying to protect both from pain and suffering that the inevitable truth will cause, he does what seems plausible at the moment. Breakup with Eda in the same way you met her. As the cold-hearted robot. But in doing so, he may have saved Eda’s pain from knowing the truth (for the time being), but he chooses pain and suffering for himself.

-Meeting at the university and giving speeches is an Eda/Serkan thing Efe, don’t interfere please.

-HE CONNED A CAR RIDE WITH HER, all because she didn’t pour him coffee! Gosh, he makes me so proud sometimes!

-He gave a bad presentation all so that he can work together with Eda on one comprehensive project. This man has no limits. He’s too much for us.

-Serkan walking out that car toward the group for camp..... He hasn’t looked hotter!

-That entire camp sequence was a check-out session for Eda/Serkan. They both couldn’t keep their eyes off each other.

-THE ANGST. THE JAW TICK. THE BROKEN EYES OF EDA. The “Does it matter?” Someone take me out cause I can no longer. It hurts.

-He felt her. He felt her absence. And he felt her presence. He knew where to find her. And he did. Their love is only beginning to flourish but their connection is the strongest it’s ever been. To be so connected with someone, it’s rare. Eda/Serkan have a connection like no other. And it will pull them back to each other everytime.

Overall: WONDERFUL EPISODE! I think this was one of the best episodes so far! It was kind of like the first couple of episodes with the comedy, EdSer fights, pettiness, drama, and pretty much everything that makes this a great show! I didn’t expect to get such a playful episode after the end of episode 14 but I liked that they didn’t bring on the full drama with the break-up and kept it light and classy in the true EdSer style! I think the drama and real angst should be saved for after the truth comes out. Based on the trailers, it’s hard to tell exactly what the new episode will be about and the major story plots but I’m pretty sure Eda is gonna do her best to figure out the reason behind the breakup and we actually get romantic scenes! I’m excited for next week now!

#sen cal kapımı #edser #eda yildiz #serkan bolat #hande erçel #kerem bursin #knock on my door #turkish dizi #eda ve serkan #eda x serkan

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numberfivefinn · 4 years

Text

who: @numberfivefinn, @nycswallflower and jake puckerman (with bri).

what: marley invites finn to a concert for back-up because her ex jake is going to be there and she’s worried he’ll make a scene.

where: a smaller concert venue

when: sunday august 23rd

triggers: violence

FINN was pretty happy with the fact that Marley was slowly becoming a part of the friend group. There was definitely still some tension between him and Rachel, and with everyone being so close to the both of them, he found it sort of hard to balance being fully himself and being mindful of his new dynamic with Rachel and how it affected everyone else. Having Marley around sort of forced everyone to behave more, or maybe that was just the impression Finn sat with. When Marley asked him to join her at this gig for work, he was probably more stoked than he realized. Besides their little conversation at Kurt and Sam's anniversary party, they hadn't spent so much one-on-one time, and this was after all their first time doing something without the rest of the group around. Because Finn only lived one block away from Marley's--which really was Rachel's--place, he shot her a text message once he got out of the parking garage, asking her to come out to the front entrance of their apartment building.

MARLEY had been so grateful for a new group of friends. Ever since Jake and she had broken up, Kurt, Sam and their crazy bunch of friends had really been a god send. Living with Rachel and talking to Jesse had been great but she was happy to be spending some one on one time with Finn. He had been so kind to her at the party and she knew he was going through a rough time, though he hadn’t said as much, but she knew it had to be hard. It was hard enough for her to be going through a breakup and hers was nowhere near as tragic as what she assumed 6 years would do. She was just grateful to have Finn helping her tonight with Jake. She smiled when she saw the text and told him she was coming down. She headed out, sliding her black leather heeled boots on as she went and headed out the parking garage. When she saw Finn she smiled and waved, walking over to him. “You are an absolute wonder...you are amazing...super even...”she rambled, her fingers going to smooth her little black leather dress as she did. “I owe you”

FINN sat in the driver's seat, awaiting his company. He caught a glimpse of the entrance door opening and saw Marley step out and she was... stunning. He immediately stepped out of the car to greet her, waving back as she walked closer. "No worries, the pleasure is all mine. You look amazing," he grinned, letting himself take a breath before going to the other side to open the door for her. "After you."

“Thank you,” MARLEY said with a blush as she looked down at her outfit. Kurt has helped her pick this dress from the Vogue closet as part of her working ensemble. She wore it a lot to different parties and events but somehow hearing Finn saying it looked nice made it that much more special to her. She smiled and gave a goofy curtsy before getting in the car, smacking herself in the forehead as he walked around. Only she could be so stupid

"You certainly clean up a lot nicer than I do," FINN chuckled as he sat in the car, looking down at his button down shirt and plain jeans. At least he made a tiny effort with his hair. "Where was this place again?"

MARLEY chuckled and shook her head. “I think you look great,” she said with a sincere smile at him. She gave him the address and then put her phone away. “Thank you so much for doing this”

FINN began driving, turning on the radio but keeping it low so they could talk in a comfortable volume. "I'm not doing too much besides work these days, so it's pretty nice to do something different for a change. So thanks for inviting me," he said sincerely. "So, wanna tell me about this Jake dude?"

“Do you enjoy working?” MARLEY asked. She wasn’t sure if he was a person who would enjoy the people aspect of his job or not. “I’ll start inviting you to all of these” she teased though it would be nice to go with someone. Jake had only gone a few times and it hadn’t worked well at all. “What do you want to know?” She asked chewing on her lip.

"It's alright," FINN said with a shrug. "It's a huge step from football, that's for sure. But I've been there a few months now and it's starting to feel kinda normal. Even when people who recognize me still come up to me asking about my injury and stuff." He thought people would slowly forget about his past with time, anyway. "That'd be awesome. I used to do a lot more of these things in my spare time, but I've been pretty lucky with being handed free entrance to a lot of stuff like that. Obviously doesn't happen that often anymore." He wasn't sure what to ask, really. It wasn't like he wanted to bring up some bad memories or anything hurtful that caused the break-up. He sure knew how it felt to talk about your ex when it was still fresh. "I don't know. Why did you break up?"

“I get that...” MARLEY said with a contemplative nod. “It’s got to be hard to deal with that. Do you want to be there or is something else calling?” She asked laughing at the free entrances. “I’m still not used to it. I’m not used to having the velvet rope passing kind of access”. She looked out the window and blushed before looking back at him. “He wanted the relationship to go further than I did”

"It's cool staying there for now while I figure things out, I guess. I don't think I wanna be a salesman for the rest of my life or even the rest of this year, but I'm trying to figure out how to bring sports back into my life in a way that fulfils me and makes me happy. I'm not super inspired right now, so I'm hoping it'll come with time," FINN admitted. "I was treated that way for seven years and I still never got used to it. But now that my life's a little different, I do kinda miss it. You gonna give me velvet rope passing kind of access to your shows in the future?" He took a moment to process what Marley said, not entirely sure what to make of the vague statement. "Like, marriage?"

“Have you ever thought about being a sports broadcaster?” She asked curiously. “Cause isn’t that what a lot of ex players do?” MARLEY wasn’t sure if that would be something he’d enjoy but it would at least be sports adjacent. “I’ll give you all the velvet ropes you want. It’ll be nice to have fun with it” she laughed and shrugged. “I don’t know if that was in his thoughts but not that...he wanted to run the bases...”

"That's something to consider, yeah. It's on my list, but I'm not super passionate about it. Believe it or not, I don't actually pay attention to a lot of sports besides football. And to be honest, I didn't pay a lot of attention to football either besides the team we were going up against or the NFL." FINN had to laugh a little at his own confession, but it was unfortunately true. He was a huge football fan growing up, but once he played it himself, the focus remained on only playing it. "That sounds... something I'm very up for." He couldn't help but grin, though he was sure Marley had way more of a pure mind than he had. "Oh. Gotcha. And you weren't ready for that?"

MARLEY laughed and nodded. “I mean that makes a lot of sense. I just figured it was a good option because you’d definitely make me tune into sports” she blushed and looked out the window. “I’m glad you’re up for it. It’ll be nice to have someone to bounce things off of” she blushed even brighter and looked down. “It’s not that I don’t want to. Or wouldn’t want to with the right person but I never...I think I probably should have left the relationship long before now”

"That's good to know," FINN noted with a smirk. "Anytime. It's nice to be around you too. You're pretty cool." Whoever Jake was, he was most certainly missing out by losing someone like her. "I get that. Sometimes someone isn't just good or right for you. It sounds like it was a really good decision leaving that relationship. You deserve someone who treats you like you're the most important person in their lives."

MARLEY smiled at him. “I appreciate that...honestly I do” she brushed her hand through her long locks and bit her lip. “I think I maybe always knew...that he and I weren’t right...but I thought it was me you know?”

"It's hard to listen to your heart sometimes. I thought things between me and Rachel were fine until she brought up all of our problems and it took me some time to realize that she was right about all of it. And now that I think about it, I think I always knew. I was just scared of facing it." Pulling up to a parking space by the club, FINN stopped the car, facing Marley. "Here we are. You ready? I got your back, whatever the cost. If you see him and feel the need to tell him I'm your boyfriend, I'm cool with that."

“I’m sorry. Going through a breakup is hard enough but you had to do in the public eye and that’s even worse” she said with a shake of her head. She bit her lip and looked over at the clubs red doors and the long line of people waiting to get in. Was Jake and his new girlfriend there already? Would she get lucky enough to not see them? MARLEY smiled at Finn and squeezed his hand. “Thank you...that’s so sweet of you...” she got out of his car fixing her dress before leading him to the entrance. “If it’s not my favorite little reporter,” the doorman said with a grin, giving her a quick hug before looking back at Finn. “He’s with me tonight” she said with a smile before he let them in giving Finn a once over as they went in.

"Yeah, thanks." FINN felt his cheeks get a little warmer as she squeezed his hand, not remembering the last time he blushed for that reason. "Huh," he thought to himself. He walked out of the car, locking it before following Marley into the club, giving the doorman a nod before heading in. "Hey, aren't you--" he heard the doorman say while passing. "Yeah." Giving the doorman a quick smile, he turned around quickly, not feeling like making some small talk with a doorman who apparently recognized him. "Do you see him, Marls?"

MARLEY chuckled at the encounter at the door. Poor Finn really couldn’t get away from it all. She looked around and a let out a soft sigh. “Not yet,” she said turning to him with a smile. “Want to get closer to the stage?”

FINN "Yeah, sure. Do you want me to grab something to drink first?"

MARLEY nodded. “Yea...surprise me!” She called over the loud music, squeezing his arm before pushing towards the front of the stage. It was there that she saw them. Jake and Bri, the girl who had flirted with him relentlessly while they had been together. Jake had compared the two in a fight once. That fight should have been the end, she realized looking back. She locked eyes with Bri who smiled like the cat that got the cream and pulled Jake into a too steamy for public kiss, making even Marley blush bright red.

FINN took a quick glance at the bar to assess if it was crowded or not before heading over. "One... raspberry mojito and one plain soda, thanks." Once he received the drinks, he squeezed himself through the crowd to reach Marley. "Here you go. It seemed like something you'd like," he shrugged, immediately noticing something was wrong. "Are you okay?"

MARLEY took it with a shaky hand and pointed over to the pair. “I found my ex...”

"Oh?" FINN followed her pointing, trying to figure out who it could've possibly be. His eyes landed on a pair making out, and well, it kind of made sense. "Oh... Well. PDA is gross, anyway. Did they see you?"

“She definitely did...” MARLEY murmured. She looked away quickly when the pair came up for air and Jake spotted her.

FINN's eyes widened when he noticed the guy looking over at Marley. "Uhm, do you want me to hold my arm around you?"

MARLEY bit her lip and shrugged. “I don’t know what to do” she admitted. She wasn’t jealous they were together for the normal reasons. She was more than okay being done with Jake. But for him to be so blatantly with the girl he had told her she should be more like stung more than she was prepared for

FINN made the decision to play it cool as he gently put his arm around her, pulling her in for a side hug and switching their bodies around so they were facing away from the other couple and more towards the stage. “You’re gonna be alright, they’re not worth the trouble. Hey, look. The band’s starting.”

MARLEY sighed softly melting into Finn’s protective hold. She gave him a small smile and looked up as the band came onstage. She took her free hand (the one not holding her drink) and squeezed his hand softly, a thank you.

FINN smiled back, feeling good about being able to be present for someone else. It wasn’t often he did this kind of stuff without someone wanting to gain something out of it or having a specific agenda, and it was nice knowing his blooming connection with Marley was real. He kept his arm around the shorter brunette, his hand firm but relaxed on her shoulder throughout the entire first song. It was only when he had to clap and cheer for the band that he let go. “What do you think so far?”

MARLEY couldn’t begin to explain how grateful she was for Finn’s presence. She had never thought she would be nervous to come to a gig, this was her world the one she belonged in and Jake was an interloper who was trying to hurt her. She wouldn’t let him. As the song played on she began to tap her foot to the beat and by the end she was sure she could play the chords on her guitar better than the man playing. “They’re good,” she said smiling up at him. “They’re rough but that might work to their advantage...what do you think?”

FINN nodded in agreement. “They definitely need to work more as a team. They’re barely looking at each other when they’re playing. There’s potential, though.” He ended up enjoying more of the concert than he thought he would, but the company was without a doubt better. As the concert wrapped up and the floor opened up, he looked around for any spots to hang in case Marley wanted to stay for a bit. “I’m gonna go get some more to drink. You want anything? My treat.”

MARLEY enjoyed the music and enjoyed talking with Finn about it even more. She knew her pieces for Vogue would be much better with his conversation swimming in her brain. “I’ll go with you” she said as she saw Jake from the corner of her eye heading towards her, Bri in tow.

“Okay, cool.” FINN walked alongside Marley to the bar, ordering them drinks. “You having a good night?”

“I am...I think that’s your fault” MARLEY said with a laugh. “So what do you play? You know music far too well to just be a listener”

“Sorry not sorry,” FINN laughed along, shrugging goofily. “The drums, actually. I haven’t played in a while, and the past years it’s been just to blow off some steam. I played a lot in high school though. Whenever I wasn’t playing football at least.”

“No way!” MARLEY said with a smile, her eyes wide in excitement. “I’ve always wanted to learn to play the drums! I think it would be fun to smack around and actually make a pleasant sound!”

“I have a drum kit at home, maybe you can come over sometime and I can teach you the basics,” FINN suggested, loving her enthusiasm for the instrument. “You’re a musician so I bet you already got the rhythm down.”

“Really?!” MARLEY asked excitedly. “Oh thank you thank you thank you!” She said giving him a quick hug

FINN was slightly taken aback when Marley jumped in for a hug, but quickly reciprocated it, leaning down into the hug. “No prob. It gives me an excuse to pull out the drum kit again.” He looked up, exchanging a brief look with Marley’s ex. “You doing okay, though? With Jake being here and all.”

MARLEY smiled and nodded before looking over her shoulder at Jake and Bri, who were staring daggers her way. “I’m okay...” she said turning to look at him, her face slightly crestfallen. “It’s hard to explain...I’m not jealous of them and I don’t want him back I just...he knew I’d be here and he brought someone he knew would hurt me”

FINN nodded as he listened to Marley. “Do you know her? The girl he’s with?”

“Yea...” MARLEY said with a soft angry sigh. “That’s Bri...she’s been in love with him for years”

"She has?" FINN raised an eyebrow as he subtly looked at the woman in question. "Was she like, trying to get with him when you were together?"

MARLEY “Yes...she was always offering to take care of his...needs...it drove me crazy because he acted like it was all just a joke...until he didn’t”

"He sucks for that," FINN said in Marley's defense before taking a sip of his soda. "You're way better off without him."

MARLEY looked down and blushed softly before looking back at him. “We got into a fight once and he told me he wished I was more like her...”

"Whoa, that's not okay." FINN might've said something similar to Rachel early in their relationship when he was just learning about the less positive traits of her personality, not knowing how to deal with them. He quickly learned that it was a horrible thing to say to your partner. "I don't know this chick, but I can tell you're a way better person than her. The way she's looking at you with that little evil in her eyes. It's not good. You can at least comfort yourself knowing you're the better person."

MARLEY smiled softly at Finn. “Thanks...I guess I just wish that I hadn’t wasted so much time”

"At least you're out and free now," FINN laughed. "There's only looking up from here."

“True...” MARLEY said with a nod. “And there are definitely better fish in the sea...”

“Also true. Let’s toast to that,” FINN grinned, clinking his glass with hers.

MARLEY clinked her glass to his and laughed.

FINN had barely noticed that more and more people were leaving the venue, really enjoying his time with Marley. “What do you wanna do now? Hang around for a bit?”

“Sure...but didn’t you say you had to go to work early? I’d hate to keep you out too late...” MARLEY murmured though she was having a really good time

FINN shrugged, not minding being up late. It wasn’t often he was up late because he was actually, well, out. “Not that early. My shift starts at 12, so it’s fine. Don’t you have work too?”

MARLEY “Yea but I don’t really have set hours in the office...just deadlines”

“Ohh,” FINN uttered. He was slightly envious of that kind of schedule. Sounded sort of... freeing. “That sounds nice, though. When’s the deadline for this gig?”

MARLEY nodded and lead him over to a table that had just opened up. “Um Wednesday by the latest...but I usually get them out quicker. I go to so many different things so I try to keep up”

“You seem like a person who got that on track,” FINN stated as he walked alongside her. “You enjoy it? Having a schedule like that?”

MARLEY laughed and shrugged. “I guess I enjoy being busy...and I love music so getting to go see new music and getting paid for it is pretty sweet...plus I use all of the things I learn to better my writing...it’s like a win win win for me”

"Getting paid for doing something you love is the best," FINN mused, once relating to that statement. "Are you thinking of becoming a full-time songwriter?"

“That’s always been the goal...I want to sing on the radio...” MARLEY said with an embarrassed blush. Most people told her she couldn’t do it so she wasn’t sure what she was thinking. “She’d have to get over her stage fright first” JAKE said, Bri at his side.

“Don’t be shy about that.” FINN gave her a reassuring smile. “You can t—“ He was nearly startled by the sudden dark voice that definitely did not come out of Marley’s mouth. Her lips weren’t even moving. Once he properly realized what had happened, he saw Jake and Bri in front of them. “Whoa, dude. Way to barge in on our conversation.”

JAKE “Sorry, dude I just wanted to talk to this one over here”

“Anything you wanna say to her, you can say in front of me,” FINN said confidently, although he was growing nervous about what this guy would say or do.(edited)

“Jake...just...” JAKE turned to look at MARLEY and then Finn. “What...you dating a meat head now?” He sneered. “She’s not worth it, trust me I put the years in to learn it”

“Hey man, that’s not cool to say. You have clearly moved on and you need to leave Marley alone. Don’t make a scene just because you want to.” FINN took a careful step forward, inching closer to Jake as if he was entering protective mode.

JAKE “What she do? Give you those big blues of hers and make you think she needed you to protect her? She’s a piranha my dude...she’s emotionally unfit to be an adult or with anyone”

FINN “You really need to back off. You really think you can come here and talk shit about a perfectly fine woman because you’re what? Butthurt because she dumped you? Get a life, man. You have no business going around being an asshole like that.”

JAKE scoffed and looked over at Marley. “You sure know how to pick them. Reminds me of Ryder...a big fucking bitch for you...” MARLEY looked down at her hands and then back at Jake. “Just go...please...”

"You heard her. It's time to leave." FINN was growing more and more furious, his hands tightening up in fists as he fought the urge to punch him square in the face. "Go."

JAKE “When you get bored and realize that you fucked yo Marls, just give me a call...I’m sure it won’t take long with this jolly green giant”

FINN couldn't hold onto his increasing fury anymore, his sight nearly blurred by how hard he had to focus to be the bigger man. But this guy was a grade A jerk and beyond, and he wasn't really thinking about consequences or how it looked like from the outside in the moment. Before he could process it any further, his fist swung directly towards Jake's face, his knuckles banging into his jaw. He saw the other man stumble back, holding onto his face in pain. Once the adrenaline had left his body, he realized what he had just done, uncertain of whether he felt good or just straight up awful about it. He did have it coming, though.

MARLEY gasped out, jumping up and getting between them, back to Jake, hands on Finn’s chest. “Let’s go” she said looking up into his eyes as she pushed him for the exit as Bri tended to Jake.

"Yeah," FINN mumbled, his hand pounding from the pain of having hit someone whose jaw was surprisingly sharp. He struggled moving his hand properly, but assumed it would pass eventually. "I'm sorry-" he started, feeling nervous about Marley's reaction about it all. "I couldn't help it. He was so awful to you."

MARLEY got Finn out and over to his car. She shook her head and looked up at him. “You’re like Superman huh?”

FINN was thankful he got out before a guard saw him and kicked him out of that place. He unlocked the car and got in, though he waited to put the keys in ignition as he wasn't quite ready to drive. "If I was Superman, I would just gently push his shoulders and he would fly off into the other side of the block," he joked, shaking his head. "Was he like that before you broke up?"(edited)

“Possibly” MARLEY teased with a laugh as she got in and buckled her seat belt looking over at him. “Sometimes...he was protective...or that’s what he said...he didn’t like it when other guys flirted with me or whatever...but it was never quite so...mean as that”

FINN couldn't imagine jealousy taking over so badly that he would stoop so low and treat someone that horribly. Sure, he almost punched a guy who was vividly flirting with Rachel once, but he didn't go through with it. But saying all those things about an ex? It was wild for him to think about. "For the record, none of the things he said about you is true. I know that. And I know Bri seemed like not the greatest person, I kinda felt bad for her that she had to watch her boyfriend or whatever be so obsessed over his ex. Or should I not? I don't know what to feel."

MARLEY laughed softly and shrugged looking down. “I don’t know what to think or feel about it all right now...I didn’t expect him to be here tonight until I saw he was coming. And it wasn’t like he didn’t know I would be there. I...I think I hurt him more than I meant to honestly...and so maybe I am all of those things...maybe I’m not...I’m just glad you were here”

“I’m not convinced you are. I just think he’s butthurt and unable to process your break-up. I’d be upset too if I were him, I guess.” FINN raised his right shoulder into a casual shrug, trying not to think too much about the guy. “I did have a fun time tonight... even if my fist had to suffer for it,” he laughed, the laugh faltering when he felt the throbbing pain occurring whenever he moved his hand.

MARLEY blushed and looked down at her hands. It was sweet of Finn to say though she wasn’t sure how much of it she believed. “I’m so sorry about your fist,” she said reaching over to take it in her hands as she looked at it. “Good news...I don’t think you broke it...”

FINN winced when she took his hand, trying to convince himself it wasn’t bad at all so it wouldn’t be a big deal. “Yeah, don’t think so either. I just need some ice on it.”

“Pull over there,” MARLEY said pointing to a 7-11.

“Good idea,” FINN said with a firm nod, starting up the car and immediately headed for the 7-11 nearby. He pulled over, grabbing his wallet as he walked out of the car and into the store.

MARLEY followed him and went over to the slurpee machine. “What’s your favorite flavor?” She asked with a smile.

FINN couldn’t help but let out a soft chuckle. It had been forever since he had a slurpee. “Uh, grape?” he answered, not intending to make it sound like a question. “I’m gonna check out the freezer for some ice packs.”

“Here...” MARLEY said grabbing a big cup and filling it before handing it to him. “It’s an ice pack and a snack all at once!” She said with a grin as she grabbed a cup to fill with cherry for herself.

“Thanks,” FINN beamed, accepting the slurpee, laying it gently on his knuckles to relieve some pain. He grabbed an extra ice pack for good measure before heading to the cashier to pay, only waiting for Marley’s slurpee.

MARLEY slid her cased in front of his. “Let me...I owe you” she explained with a smile as she used her hip to bump his teasingly out of the way.

FINN laughed softly as her hip bumped him, stepping to the side as she paid for their stuff. “Okay, I see you,” he grinned, taking his slurpee and ice pack as he headed out. “Thanks, Marls.” He walked towards his car, thinking about how to get the ice pack steadily on his hand. “Do you mind holding onto this?” he asked, holding up his slurpee. “I got some tape in the back, maybe I can tape the ice pack to my hand.”

MARLEY laughed and nodded holding it. When his back was turned she took a sip of it laughing when she realized he could still see her. “Sorry!”

FINN grabbed the tape, attempting to wrap it around his hand with the ice pack on top of his knuckles. “I’m looking right at you,” Finn laughed as he shook his head. “If you wanted grape, you should’ve gotten it.” He finished taping the ice pack, feeling confident that it would hold, though admittedly it was cold as hell. “You ready to head off?”

MARLEY frowned. “I’m sorry...you’re right...�� she went and opened his door for him, not wanting him to be inconvenienced at all

FINN noticed her frowning, quickly correcting himself. “Oh no, I was just messing around. You can have as much of mine as you want,” he reassured, nodding a “thanks” to her as he got into the car. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Do you want some of mine?” MARLEY asked as she went around to the other side and got in. “Are you okay to drive?”

“You can keep yours,” FINN said with a half-smile. “I’m good. The roads are pretty straightforward so I can easily drive with my other hand without any issues.” He pulled out of the 7-11 parking lot, heading towards Marley’s place. “Crazy night, huh?”

“Okay...” MARLEY said taking another sip of hers. “Is it bad to say I have known crazier nights?”

“No, not at all,” FINN chuckled. It was definitely not his craziest night either. He took his slurpee for a small sip. “Only if something worse happened.”

“Not worse...”she said shaking her head. “Just different I guess,” MARLEY said with a laugh.

“Despite my iced hand, it was all worth it. And I can’t wait to do it again. Not the punching part, but if I have to, I will,” FINN joked lightheartedly, looking over at Marley quickly to give her a warm smile.

MARLEY blushed and smiled. “Thanks Clark Kent”

"Does this make you Lois?" FINN asked with a sparkle in his eyes, not really thinking too much about the actual association. He pulled up in front of the apartment building, stopping the car temporarily. "We're here. Thanks for inviting me, Marls. It was pretty fun." He looked at the time on the radio, widening his eyes in surprise. "Whoa, where did the time go?"

“I guess it does” MARLEY said with a grin and a confident nod. “Oh god. I should go. Thank you for coming. We’ll do it again soon,” she said leaning over to kiss his cheek before grabbing her slurpee and her bag and sliding out.

"Yeah, see ya," FINN said faintly as she slid out of the car, feeling pretty content about his night despite the short brawl towards the end. He smiled to himself, taking in the moment before driving off because he definitely was going to be late for work the following day.

#para #para: 001 #para: marley

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eddiesasspbrak · 5 years

Text

Bikes

Eddie has never had a bike of his own and Richie wants to fix that.

Part of my “I’d rearrange the alphabet to put U and I together” series

Read on AO3

A C

1K+ words

It was the summer of their fifteenth year. Richie enjoyed nothing more than feeling the hands of his crush on his shoulders as he stood on the back of his bike while they rode through the streets with their friends. It wasn’t always his bike that he rode on though. They took turns having Eddie as a passenger. His mom didn’t allow him to have a bike of his own. It was too dangerous. He might fall off or crash it. What if he forgot to get off and walk it across the street like he was supposed to and was hit by a car? What if the chain broke and he couldn’t stop? What if he got a flat and lost control? Her reasons were endless, and Eddie had learned to stop asking.

As much as Richie loved riding with him, he wanted Eddie to be happy. He knew that there was nothing Eddie wanted more than to have a bike of his own. So, that’s what he would make happen. It wasn’t that hard to do. He gathered the rest of the Losers, minus Eddie, in the clubhouse and told them about his plan. The six of them would get odd jobs around town and save up to buy Eddie the used bike at the pawn shop before summer was over. Of course, they all agreed without much convincing. They all loved Eddie and wanted his happiness almost as much as Richie did.

They took turns so that Eddie wouldn’t get suspicious. One day a week, one of them would go around and look for anyone who was willing to pay for an extra pair of hands. Ben babysat his neighbor’s kids so they could have date night and they liked him so much, he was asked back the following weekend. Mike and Stan mowed countless lawns, Bill set up in the park and offered parents to draw their children for a fee. Beverly took $5 bets on how many lined-up bottles she could break in one shot. Richie took a temporary job unloading boxes at the market two days a week. It took all their savings plus what they’d made over a two-month period to buy the $450 bike.

During that time of working and scrounging together what they could, Richie and Bill taught Eddie how to ride on their bikes. He kind of already knew how to ride before then but was well out of practice as it had been so long. Richie told him that sometimes he should be the one to peddle and let one of them ride on the back.

“We’re tired of hauling your heavy ass around all the time. It’s your turn to chauffeur me.” He’d said, earning a punch in the shoulder.

It was enough to throw him off the trail completely. And so, the day came when they took their earnings and purchased the bike. Bev ran to the convenience store and bought a red bow to stick on the handlebars. Eddie was scheduled to meet them at Richie’s house and the six ran down the streets, bike in tow, giddy and overjoyed. They hid the bike underneath the front stairs and then sat and awaited his arrival. When he finally appeared, he looked upset. His shoulders were hunched, his hands shoved in his pockets and a frown plastered on his face.

“What’s going on, Eds?” Richie asked, pushing up off the steps.

“My mom is freaking out because I said I wanted to get my drivers permit this year. She’s going to make me fall years behind my friends and peers because she’s convinced I’ll crash.” He grumbled.

“W-we’ll drive you around when we can.” Bill said with a soft smile.

“It’s not like any of us are going to have our own cars anyway. We’ll still be riding around on bikes with you.” Bev chimed in, reaching out to grab his hand.

“That’s not the point. I want to hit milestones with you guys. I don’t want to get left behind. Again.” Despite his annoyance, he let Bev take his hand and squeeze it in her fingers.

Richie walked around to the side of the stairs, keeping his eyes on Eddie. “I think we’ve got something that might bring a smile back to that cherub face of yours my dear Spaghetti.”

Eddie looked at him with doubtful eyes as he reached beneath the stairs and grabbed hold of the handlebars. The bike rolled out from beneath the stairs and into the sunlight. Eddie’s eyes widened but confusion was the present expression on his face. He looked between the smiling faces of his friends and then back at the bike.

“It’s yours.” Ben spoke up.

“But…how?” Eddie asked. “Where did you get it?”

“The pawn shop. Sorry we couldn’t afford to get a new one.” Mike stood from the stairs and slapped a heavy hand down on Eddie’s shoulder.

“You guys…bought this for me?”

They could see the tears already forming the corners of his eyes. Mike pulled him against his chest and wrapped his arms around him as the tears began to fall. The other Losers rushed to join them, wrapping him up in the middle of a big group hug. Eddie searched his brain for something to say but was coming up blank as the love and astonishment took over. When they got to hot from the summer heat plus body heat, Eddie had managed to compose himself.

“You know my mom is going to take it the second she sees it, right?” He sniffled, wiping at his eyes with the back of his hand.

“We thought you could h-hide it at one of our places.” Bill said.

“We’ve figured it all out, Eddie. Don’t worry about it. Take it for test ride.” Stan said, gently shoving him toward the bike.

Eddie took the bike by the handles and steered it out to the street, his friends behind him with their bikes. Mounting the bike, Eddie felt a thrill go through him as a grin spread across his face. Pushing off, he began to ride down the street, all the rest of the Losers pulling up beside him. This wasn’t the first time Eddie had ridden a bike, but it was his first time riding a bike that was his. It was freedom and excitement and relief all balled into one.

They rode until they reached the quarry, their intended destination for the day. Eddie carefully pushed down the kickstand with his foot, making sure his new (used) bike wouldn’t fall over into the dirt. He cherished every gift his friends had given him over the years, but this one took the first-place spot. In a million years he didn’t think he’d be able to convey to them just how grateful he was for the gift. Having to hide it from his mother and one of their houses was a bummer but if it kept it safe from her, then so be it.

All seven stripped down and dove down into the water below, washing away the sweat that had gathered on their skin from the ride. Eddie was floating on his back, staring up at the clouds in the impossibly blue sky above him, when Stan waded over to him. He splashed some water in his face, causing Eddie to stand quickly, sputtering a bit as he wiped water from his eyes.

“Dammit Stanley.” He said with a smile, sending a small wave in Stan’s direction.

“It was Richie’s idea.” Stand put his arms up to block the water, ignoring Eddie’s retaliation.

“What was?”

“The bike. He saw it in the window of the pawn shop and put the plan together to raise money for it.”

“Why didn’t he tell me? I figured it was a joint idea.”

“Joint effort, Richie’s idea. He wanted you to be happy. Figure it out.”

With that, Stan swam away to rejoin the rest of the group. Eddie found Richie in the chaos that was his friends playing in the water. Beverly had his glasses in her hand, holding them out of his reach as he laughed and tried to get them back. For a while, he’d known how Richie felt about him. He felt the same way but was afraid to pursue it. Two boys in love wasn’t exactly an accepted thing in Derry. Now, as he watched him with the knew knowledge of the bike in his mind, he felt his heart swell.

It would be another year before either worked up the courage to confess to the other and begin their relationship. With many bumps along the way, a few breakups here and there, they eventually moved in together. This led to marriage, which led the adoption of their daughter. On the eve of her sixth birthday, both men sat in their living room wrapping last minute gifts. One of her gifts, sat in the corner of the room with a big bow on the handlebars, was a brand-new bike. Her first bike.

They’d lived in an apartment before and there wasn’t much room for a bike. Since deciding to start the process of adopting a second child, they decided to upgrade to a house in a suburb just outside of the city. Close enough for both Eddie and Richie to get to work easily and for their daughter to still play with friends from her old school. She’d been asking for a bike for her birthday, but both her fathers lead her to believe she wouldn’t receive one. They were excited to see her reaction to it.

When all the gifts were wrapped and piled up on the top of their coffee table, they sat back against the couch with a joined sigh. Eddie curled his legs up under him and leaned heavily against his husband’s shoulder. Both were tired and would eventually have to make the trek up to bed. For now, they were happy to have a moment of silence together. Eddie’s eyes landed on the bike in the corner, hidden in a way that she wouldn’t see it when coming down the stairs in the morning.

“Makes me think of my first bike.” He said, snuggling in closer under Richie’s arm.

“It would have been nice if we could have gotten you a new one instead of that rusty hunk of junk.”

“I loved it. It was perfect.” Eddie turned to rest his chin against Richie’s chest, looking up at him. “I know it was your idea to get me that bike. Stan told me.”

Richie looked down and brough is hand up to gently cup his cheek. “How come you never said anything?”

Eddie shrugged. “I don’t know. That was the moment, you know. When I realized I was in love with you.”

“I should buy you things more often.” Richie grinned.

“Shut up. It wasn’t the bike. It was the sentiment behind it. That fact that you wanted to do something for me and that you thought of me when you saw it in the window. Made me feel special.”

Richie kissed him then. They’d shared hundreds of thousand kisses over the years, but each one still gave both men butterflies. In the morning, when their daughter woke and found her presents, she would see the bike and squeal happily. They’d spend the rest of the afternoon teaching her to ride. When she falls and scrapes her knee, Eddie is ready with the antibacterial and the bandages. Later, when she suggests family rides, Eddie and Richie buy themselves bikes. Nicer bikes than the ones they had as kids and just as special, because they bought them together.

#Reddie #eddie kaspbrak #richie tozier #it (2017)#it (2019)#Ro writes

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keyofjetwolf · 6 years

Text

The Chosen: All the notes and answers to shit you wondered about for years

Hey. Hi there. How are you? I’m good, thanks for asking.

So, you remember when, at the beginning of the year, I said I was officially retiring my Buffy the Vampire Slayer continuation, The Chosen? If this is the first you’re hearing of it, a) SORRY TO DROP THAT ON YOU, and b) you may want to read this post first.

All caught up? Awesome.

I told you guys I’d share my stuff. This right here is that. I’ve searched through countless backups, terabytes of data, the remnants of three computers, AND MY SOUL (not really my soul; it doesn’t have a convenient find option), and I think this is everything. If there’s anything left of The Chosen that isn’t contained here, then it’s almost certainly lost to time and I wave it a fond farewell.

But don’t worry. There’s a lot here.

What I have for you are all the notes, plans, and ideas that I had written during the time when The Chosen was pretty much my entire world. From late 2003 to mid 2005, I was on my Buffy creative shit, and OH THE PLACES I WANTED TO GO. I’m not sure I’ll ever not be sad that, in the end, I couldn’t do it the way I wanted. Still, I’m glad to finally be showing you where we were heading.

I’ll try to give this as much order as I can, but my notes were strewn across a mass of files, and in some cases, I straight up can’t remember what the fuck I even meant any more. Feel free to ask if you have questions! Just be prepared that the answer may have to be an apologetic shrug.

I’m not sure what to wish for you all in the reading here. Closure, of some kind, I suppose is what we’re really all after. So closure it is! Happy closing, friends.

Thank you so much for allowing me to have captured your interest and attention, and for accompanying me and these characters I loved on the journey toward the ending I hoped for them.

** Any comments from present-me will be marked in this format. Otherwise, everything is untouched from how I wrote it whenever-the-fuck ago. Section headers are either as I named them at the time, or taken from the file name.

S8 Ideas

General Ideas

Rogue Slayer girl ' 'Full Circle'; Faith-centric.

Possessing demons ' personification of control ' W&K breakup episode.

Xander gets powers, but in exchange for his humanity. Comes to realize that his humanity is what his friends need, and he gives up the power.

Dawn's key powers are reawakened ' ability to unlock and enter doorways to parallel dimensions/realities and back again. Episode where this happens and she visits a parallel world (where she is the Slayer?). Possibly triggered by Doc, seeking to reawaken Glory?

Monster that eats body parts to rejuvenate them.

Emotion sucker.

Incubus that tries to seduce Buffy in her dreams.

Siren/rock group ' playing in club.

Faith/Buffy/other Slayers hunted for sport.

Super Slayer, enhanced by the DC. Big Bad? Guinea pig.

Legion of Super Slayers, created from life force of girls who reject the offer to join the DC.

Things to Name and Figure Out

The name of the new town.

New town is in center of three-Hellmouth triangle, consisting of Cleveland, Ohio, Syracuse, NY, and Washington DC. The gang is settled in a fictitious town in Pennsylvania, not far from Williamsport.

Name derived from three? Trinity, Trillium, etc.

The name of the Bronze replacement. (The Vortex?)

The name (and personality) of Kennedy's new Watcher.

The name (and personality) of the turncoat (the girl Giles talks to in Ep #1)

The name (and personality) of the girl Faith recruits (future cannon fodder)

Better name for the Dark Council.

Better name for the Dark Coven.

Assorted Ideas and Quotes

Scene: Someone shopping at a local bulk warehouse place. How much to Slayers eat? A LOT.

Possible use for the drug from "Helpless" that neutralizes Slayer powers?

Scene: Junior Slayers fighting monster. One says "You ARE the weakest link... Goodbye!" The others make fun of her for using such an outdated pop culture reference. She pouts that they should add a class about banter to the Slayer curriculum.

QUOTE: "D'you ever think sometime we should, you know, run AWAY from the blood curdling screams?"

QUOTE: Buffy doubts Tara's return. Willow: "What, you hold exclusive resurrection rights?"

QUOTE: Tara and Dark Coven guy. Tara: "She'll kill me. After I do this...Buffy will kill me." DC: "After you do this, will you care?"

QUOTE: "Excessive? I think you and excessive have already met in a head-on collision and exchanged insurance information."

QUOTE: Tara talking about doing stuff with Dawn: "You know, shopping, getting our hair done ... girl things." Willow: "I like your girl things."

QUOTE: Someone's sick, but denying it. They cough, get an accusing glance. "I just have something stuck in my throat." "Yeah, it's called ILLNESS."

QUOTE: Faith to somebody, possibly a young Slayer, who goes on at length about what they're going to do to a bad guy or deal with some serious challenge or something similar. "You're full of crap, you've got no idea what you're talking about. (beat) But you mean what you say, so that's gotta count for something."

Notes

1st ep

fate of SS's

Dawn's powers

X taking Watcher's courses

G distancing

W going to grad school

B/T going back to school

prophecy bits

G gets ring

Buffy bit - blood

Ante released

Season 9 Ideas

based on 7 samurai - group of people want to come in and hire the seven to clean something out

something happens where buffy or dawn disappears and the other goes to find them

core four have notoriety as evil forces (four horsemen) with some other community

sdhs reunion episode

"Demon that draws strength from guilt, hate, love, etc. Especially bad if it gets hold of Faith..."

---

I had a really cool thought about Buffy and relationships while I was in there though, which I think I'll have to work into The Chosen.

A common thread in each of her big relationships (Angel, Riley, Spike) is that when she tells them she loves them, they don't believe her.

Well Angel does, but he doesn't think she loves him enough. When he leaves, it's despite her telling him over and over that she loves him enough that him being a vampire and them not being able to do "normal" things doesn't matter. He doesn't believe her, and so leaves.

Riley tells Buffy during their big pre-him-leaving fight, that when she says she loves him, he "doesn't feel it". His disbelief in her and her words causes him to leave.

Then there's Spike. Final episode, Buffy finally tells him that she loves him. "No you don't. But thanks for saying it." And then he dies.

At this point in Buffy's life, there are a lot of reasons why Buffy wouldn't want a relationship in my opinion. But not the least of which is the fact that she MUST be able to answer the question of why none of these guys she loves ever believe her? (Even if you don't think she did love Spike, to Buffy I doubt that would matter -- HE didn't believe her EITHER [and how dare he not believe me, by the way!]).

It's a concept I just managed to sort out (in the shower, of course), and I don't think it's an "obvious" connection, but I do think it's an extremely valid one. I think before I'm done, I'll have to work this into the story somehow. And not resolve it, because I don't think it's easily resolved, and I think it's an issue outside the scope of what I'm trying to do, but I think the issue should be raised.

Season 9 Episode Ideas

Episode where everybody speaks in rhymes. Possible reintroduction for Faerie character?

De-aging episode, Giles' 50th birthday. Courtesy of Ethan Rayne. ("Many Happy Returns"?) Zaps Giles, Willow, Buffy and Xander back to four or five or so, leaving Tara, Faith and Dawn to look after them.

Episode dealing with the murderers in the group: Faith, Willow and Giles. Finch's son/daughter hunts down Faith to (confront? get revenge?) for his death. Sub-plots for Willow/Warren and Giles/Ben. Interesting to note that Faith is the only one who has ever shown any regret for her murder.

Herculean labors parallel. Xander? ("Labor Day"?)

Seven deadly sins with each main character embodying one of the sins? The one least like themselves?

Buffy: Greed

Willow: Sloth

Xander: Pride

Giles: Envy

Tara: Wrath

Dawn: Lust

Faith: Gluttony

Some other Slayer in the past, fighting an enemy that arises today. The gang have to read through the old Watcher's diaries to learn about him and how she defeated it. Shows this old Slayer and her Watcher via flashback. Maybe our Big Bads?

The characters get sent into Faerie Tales where they're forced to sort of act out the tales they're in.

Inanimate creation of some sort (puppet like) who makes other inanimate objects come to life. Specifically mannequins, by switching them out for real people. Some Scoobies, of course, fall victim to this.

Xander getting set up on blind dates. Amusing segment where Xander explains to date after date about what happened to his eye, each reason becoming more and more outlandish. Finally he just gives up and tells the truth - "It was gouged out by a crazy preacher man." The date laughs: "You're so funny!" Could end with Xander getting fixed up with the girl we introduced in S8 and possibly have seen a few times since then - Xander's love interest.

Revisit ideas: nameless, faceless army for the good guys, what are we doing with our army?

Tara dealing with family issues. Why am I back? Madrigan as new father.

Banan the collector

Alt world where Core4 seen like 4 horsemen (Title: "The Four"?)

Conversation where some characters are guessing who would've been the next successor to the Slayer line.

"Other side" episode with dead characters

Buffy/Dawn ep about Buffy's role in Dawn's life. Seeing the others intreract with her, wondering what her place is in Dawn's life. Parallel with flashbacks about VS and her sister. Starts with Buffy finding Grip and Dawn making out, leads to Buffy giving Dawn "the talk" and failing miserably. ("Sometimes, after you and a guy ...... they CHANGE.") Dawn learns nothing, goes to Tara from there, who knows nothing about having sex with a guy, but is supportive and encouraging. Buffy overhears and then begins to try to find how she fits into Dawn's life. We learn at the end that although B/D are vastly different from the VS and her sis, the bond is still just as strong.

Willow (and Tara) meeting up with Willow's parents again.

Big Bads

Vampires, return to the simpler times a bit. Not apocalyptic, but personal. Female vamp with a real mad-on for Buffy. Pissed because Buffy failed to save her? Also possibly some sort of vampire army. Fem is a modern-day Sun Tzu, right hand to this guy in charge of everything.

Addition (3Jul04): After some discussion, we're leaning toward making the femvamp a Slayer who was turned waaaay the heck back when. Possibly held or captured by some other vampire later on in life, and she was released by the head of the army, thus earning her allegiance. Maybe she's Japanese and thus very honourable? If we take her from 1600 or 1700's Japan, that might work out well. Might also give added weight to why her soul has no bearing on halting her quest for vengeance - honor demands that her sister's death be avenged. Possible imagery: maybe she was tortured by whoever held her? The mental image of big ol' cross scar over her eye is intriguing.

Season 9 Episode Chart

Notes

Need to work out (soon!) everybody's hell stuff so it can be incorporated into earlier episodes.

Willow versus hacker vamp idea. Why? What's at stake? Possible fill for humour ep at 9x16?

Corollary: Replot Willow's arc through S9 and possibly into S10.

Get new prophecy for Giles.

Work in at least one other prophecy stanza this season. Important to figure out soon. Who, when, how?

** This was a chart which doesn’t translate well to Tumblr, so I’ll break the cells apart and show column separation with ||

Updated - 22 June 2005

Ep # || Monster/Conflict || Plot Developments || Focus

9x01 || Vamps || Buffy kills Hitakno || Group

9x02 || Dante || Faith comes home || Faith

9x03 || Slone || Sunnydale HS reunion in LA || Group

9x04 || Vamps/Demons || Yuugana arrives in Trillium, Xander quits the Council || Xander

9x05 || Belastung || Tara goes home. || Tara

9x06 || Ethan || Giles birthday, Scoobies regressed || Giles

----------------- NOT YET AIRED -----------------

9x07 || Slayer || Demon girl on run from Slayer. Buffy and Slayer at moral odds. Dawn key powers awaken fully. || Buffy/Dawn

9x08 || Amy || Amy cashes in on Willow's debt. (Fake) Buffy accompanies. || Willow

9x09 || D'Hoffryn || Xander makes a wish that Anya hadn't died. || Xander

9x10 || The Furies || The Furies drive Finch's child to revenge. While they're here, they decide to spread the love. || Faith/Giles

9x11 || ??? || Funny episode - Camping trip? || Group(??)

9x12 || Yuugana || Faith visits Hazel's parents (Xander accompanies). Upon return to Trillium, is attacked and nearly killed by Yuugana. || Faith/Xander

9x13 || Yuugana/General || Sister's parallel. Buffy and Dawn, Yuugana and Hitanko. Yuu's backstory. General arrives, drains Willow and Dawn. || Yuugana/Buffy

9x14 || Yuugana/General || Buffy insists that the gang re-ensoul Yuugana. They do so; it makes no difference. Buffy attacked, put in coma. || Buffy/Group

9x15 || Antediluvian || In an effort to save Buffy, Tara, Xander, Dawn and Kennedy go in search of Ruth, and the Antediluvian. || Tara/Group

9x16 || ??? || Funny episode - ??? || Willow(??)

9x17 || The General || The General's plans come to fruition. || Group

9x18 || Giles' Demon || A demon Giles thought defeated years ago comes back to continue their arrangement. || Giles

9x19 || 7 Sins || The Seven Sins are unleashed on the Scoobies. || Group

9x20 || The General/Yuugana || The General releases Yuugana and they formulate a new plan involving Dawn. Yuugana kills the General and takes Dawn as bait. || Group(?)

9x21 || Yuugana || Part 1. Yuugana takes Dawn into the Private Hell place where she was recently kept. The Scoobies must follow. || Group

9x22 || Yuugana || Part 2. The Scoobies fight their way through their personal hell. Buffy vs Yuugana. || Group

Original Chart

** “VS” stands for “vampiric slayer”, so Yuugana before she had a name.

Ep # || Monster/Conflict || Plot Developments || Focus

9x01 || Vamps || Buffy kills the VS's sister || Group

9x02 || Serial killer || Faith comes home??

9x03 || ?? || Sunnydale HS reunion in LA || ??/Group(?)

9x04 || ?? (vamps?) || VS arrives in Trillium || ??/Group(?)

9x05 || ?? || Tara goes home. VS denied immediate revenge. || Tara

9x06 || Amy || Amy collects on debt. Wants Will to help her get a book. || Willow/Buffy

9x07 || Ethan Rayne || Giles birthday/regression || Giles

9x08 || Doc || Dawn & Doc - Key powers fully awoken || Dawn

9x09 || Finch's child (furies?) || Murderers haunted by past || Faith (lesser: W, G)

9x10 || D'Hoffryn || Xander's wish (Anya) || Xander

9x11 || VS/?? || Sister's parallel episode || Buffy/Dawn

9x12 || Monster in woods || Camping trip (Tara and blade of grass) || Group

9x13 || VS || Buffy vs. VS -- VS ensouled, Buffy drained || Buffy

9x14 || VS minions(?) || Buffy injured. Group goes after Antediluvian || Tara/Group

9x15 || ?? || "Labor Day" (Kenn still around) || Xander

9x16 || artifact || 7 Deadly Sins || Group

9x17 || Computer Program || Willow and the computer program || Willow

9x18 || ?? || Faith visits Hazel's parents || Faith/Xander

9x19 || Demon || Demon that's possessed Giles. Comes every 10(?) years. || Giles

9x20 || General || Fight with General - General loses || Group

9x21 || Demon Dimension || Four Horsemen ("Four"?) [Abortive attempt by VS to separate Buffy from her strongest allies?] || B/W/X/G

9x22 || VS || Big battle -- Buffy vs. VS || Buffy/Group

Yuugana

need: how does Buffy come to believe what she does about Yuu? Conversation beforehand? Difficult. Why doesn't Yuu just kill her? Could make threat, but then Buffy is gambling with everyone, and makes no sense why Yuu nearly kills Buffy later. (Especially as threat will come when Buffy falls unconscious.)

Buffy must be able to draw conclusions ahead of time. Paint picture of Yuu that Buffy will be privvy to. Draw parallels b/w Buffy's life and Yuugana's life. Buffy will internalize.

NEED: When/How will gang find out that she is Yuugana? When will this name be dropped? How? May be good if we can draw General as being very, very powerful. They're afraid of him. Getting Yuu on their side would be huge in fighting him.

Idea: General nearly kills Dawn, draining key powers. Yuu saves her. Buffy thinks it is because Yuu knows what it's like to lose a sister. In truth, Yuu isn't ready for Dawn to die yet - that will be the most painful blow of all.

buffy believes -- utterly believes -- that Yuugana will be good if given her soul. Spike was good, Angel was good ... maybe all vampires can do good if given the chance? Who is she to be judge, jury and executioner?

Internalized: this could be me. What would I do if someone killed Dawn?

** I found two sets of Season 9 character arc notes. The first set are what I think what I was mainly working from, but I’m not 100%.

Character Emotional/Plot Arcs – Season 9

Season Theme: Consequences

Buffy

Will be target of the Big Bad’s wrath as a consequence of killing the BB’s sister early in the season. Buffy’s primary emotional arc will be in the realization that every action, even the most seemingly natural or inconsequential, has far-reaching repercussions, that affect not just Buffy but those she loves.

Willow

Willow’s emotional arc returns to one that was never resolved or given enough attention (or mangled thanks to magic=crack) – control issues. Throughout Willow’s history on BtVS, she’s exhibited time and again a deep NEED to control the things around her. Her need for this never changed, save for her becoming so paranoid she was afraid to breath for fear of killing everyone in S7. Her catalyst for these deep-seeded emotional problems re-emerging stem from a few basic changes. 1) Tara’s back, and Willow doesn’t think she can take losing her again. 2) The Big Bad has made things very, very personal. And Willow remembers only too well what happened last time a Big Bad vampire took things personal. 3) This Big Bad is smart. Really smart. In some ways, even smarter than Willow. And for all the enemies they’ve faced, Will’s never had to go against someone who’s been able to out think her before. And she freaks.

We’re going to have to be careful with this one, though, because we don’t want a return to “Willow Uses Way Too Much Magick” again. We’re therefore going to have to find others ways in which Willow exercises that control trigger finger. Her computer skills could certainly help out to a degree, as well as her smarts, but we’re going to have to be careful. We definitely don’t want a rehash of S6’s problems. Willow is – or very much should be – wiser than that now. And while Will has sort of always had a bad case of “the ends justify the means”, we don’t want a rehash. So care is needed.

We could help to show this by maybe having Willow do something like casting a really powerful protection spell that somehow backfires. What will be vitally important here is taking care to make it very clear that Willow isn’t relying on magick for every little thing (no spells for decoration or closing curtains) … the magick is simply her most powerful tool for keeping everyone safe. This should NOT be about black magick, but about a need for control.

NOTE (4Jul04): After discussions, will probably meld Will's character arc with the fact that Buffy and others (Tara and Giles probably excepted) don't fully appreciate or realize the pressures they put on Willow to come up with the answers and be the big gun, while simultaneously not wanting her to go too far. Magick is bad, except when they need it. They don't accept their own consequences for the actions they push her toward. This still feeds into Willow's character flaws above - her need to protect everyone, to be the best, to keep the nasty stuff at bay.

Xander

Xander, being the human element, will have the root of his emotional arc derive from one of the most basic of human desires: to live forever. Not in the biologically immortal sense, but by wanting to live on long after he’s died. Xander realizes that of all his friends, he is the one that history is least likely to remember. The odds on him being studied in school centuries from now are next to nothing. Buffy will be recalled as the world’s most successful Slayer. Willow as the witch whose spell changed the world. Giles as the founder of the new Watcher’s Council (and new world order?) Any history mentioning Willow is almost guaranteed to include Tara as well. Dawn and her Key potential is fascinating and going to be mentioned … but Xander? There’s nothing so remarkable about Xander, he feels, and thus begins his quest to somehow ensure his own immortality to history.

This might somehow be triggered by the emergence of a new sort of threat. With Slayers all over the world, there’s absolutely no way that NOBODY is going to notice them. Even if people in the Buffyverse have shown time and again that they’ll simply ignore what they either can’t or are unwilling to understand (gang related, PCP), not everybody is so willing to pull down the veil. Thus begins the emergence of a conspiracy theorist, someone who somehow has managed to trace his story to Slayer Central. In doing so, he somehow manages to put a level of importance on each of the Scoobies … except Xander. Which stings.

Xander would eventually come to realize that while history may not remember him, those he loves certainly will, and when all’s said and done, that’s enough for him.

Giles

Giles’ arc will come out of an inevitability – his age. One of the earliest episodes will be reflecting on the fact that Giles is now 50. He’s done such a good job with the Council that much of the bureaucracy continues without his direct involvement. He’s not really keen on that side of things anyway, so he’s not sorry to see it go. But what he does want to do instead is get into the thick of things physically. But, unfortunately, he simply can’t anymore, and it’s a lesson he very much doesn’t want to learn. Giles will ultimately come to realize, however, that while he can’t swing a sword to match the Slayer, what he DOES have is his incredible mind, which will certainly be put to great use in the confrontations with the Sun Tzu-like Big Bad. The fight could not be won without Giles’ intellectual input.

Tara

Tara will spend much of her arc wondering about her place. When she was alive, she had some difficulty in fitting in. And it wasn’t until just before her death that she really started to come into her own. A year and a half has passed now, however, and things and people have changed. Tara aspires to be more than just an extension of Willow, and as voiced in “Family”, she wants very much to feel useful to the Scoobies.

But Tara’s need to find where she fits extends beyond simply within the Scoobs. Tara has a very definite sense of nature and balance, and her being brought back from the dead is something of an abhorrence to her. She can’t quite shake the feeling that in order for her to have been brought back, something had to go out in her place to keep the balance. What that may have been disturbs her beyond words.

How exactly these issues become resolved is currently unclear. Tara should certainly remain the moral and emotional center of the Scoobies. She has more power now, but power was always Willow’s contribution, not Tara’s. On the death thing, perhaps something mystical helps her? Maybe the big Wicca chick we bring in at the end of S8 can help somehow? Show that Tara’s coming back was, in its own way, as natural as her passing was UNnatural. Her return is, in and of itself, a righting of the scales.

Dawn

This is a big year for Dawn. She’s a senior in high school. She’s turning 18. She’s becoming an adult. Oh, yeah, and she’ll finally figure out that she’s got all those Key powers still. Dawn’s story will be about transitions. From childhood to adulthood, from being just a normal (as normal as she could be) girl to having all those powers as the Key and whatever that implies for her. We will also need to decide this year where Dawn’s going to college (her awakening Key powers could be a good excuse to keep her local).

Faith

Faith’s story is going to be about guilt. Hazel’s death at the end of the previous season happened right before we ended the whole thing, so at that point we will have gotten to see precious little carryover. This is the time to dwell on that. Faith would feel tremendous guilt over Hazel’s death – Faith is the one who recruited Hazel, who brought her there. She was Hazel’s mentor, and Hazel sacrificed herself for Faith. We don’t want to retread over the “do I belong here?” line, since we’re dealing with that in S8, but Faith should certainly be questioning whether or not she should be leading little girls into dangerous battles. It’s one thing for Faith to risk her life night after night, but another entirely to be responsible for the lives and deaths of others. Unsure how this will resolve, but it seems the logical arc for Faith given the closing of the previous season.

Big Bad

NOTE: We’re going to have to come up with a really good reason why Willow just doesn’t ensoul the vamp chick … or she does and it makes no difference at all. Could be an interesting commentary about vampires and souls. Hm.

The more we’re discussing this, the more we’re liking this idea. The notion of souls in the Buffyverse has always been sort of hazy at best. Loosely, they seemed to be of the opinion that getting a soul somehow made you good … but there are countless number of humans in the world (and the Buffyverse – look at Warren) who are human and, one therefore assumes, have a soul. Yet they are still capable of great evil. Even more so than some demons that they encounter. So despite however neat and pat Buffy likes to make it sometimes, a soul does NOT automatically mean that someone is going to be good. And maybe that throws her for a hell of a loop. Willow ensouls the BB, but it doesn’t make one bit of difference. Vengeance is, after all, as much a human emotion as anything else, and the BB still wants Buffy to suffer horribly for what she’s done. At most, the BB may feel some measure of guilt for the people that she’s had to kill over the past 300 or 400 years (however long she’s been vamped), but as it turns out, she doesn’t. She looks at it with the detached, cold impracticality possessed by Slayers – she did what she had to in order to survive. Maybe she wasn’t a fan of torture (we’re painting her very logical and such, so this should work okay), and simply did what she needed to. The Slayer in and of itself is very predatorial and most definitely a survivor – there’s not necessarily much difference between them, and this will further demonstrate that fact.

This could also further add to Willow’s continued feeling of being out of control. This SHOULD have worked and didn’t.

Season 9 Character Arcs

Buffy:

Buffy's arc will deal with a continuing gray area between what is good and what is evil. What is a soul really? Does having a soul make you good by default? The vampiric Slayer will prove that's not necessarily the case. Additionally, Buffy will be trying to sort out a few things about her life. What does she ultimately want to do? She could very well be the first Slayer in history to die of old age. Does she want to be involved with that all her life, or does she want more? Would Buffy maybe like to return to school? (Might be fun to have her and Tara going back to school together.) Around midway point, Buffy is nearly drained to death by vamp Slayer, she must rely on others to take care of her - doesn't always have to be the strong one.

Willow:

Willow will come to the realization that her magick is of no use against the Big Bad this year. What is Willow without her magick? What else can she contribute? Progressively, other things may fail as well, so that Willow is systematically deconstructed and having to find her true purpose and how she can contribute outside of her raw power.

Xander:

Xander will explore his roles this season. He's said that he won't be forgotten or shoved aside, so then the question becomes, how will he contribute? It's up to Xander to answer this question. He tries his hand at a variety of roles - maybe a Watcher, maybe a husband (though he's already "failed" at that one). Come the end, he realizes that his role is support, and it's the role he's always fallen into naturally.

Giles:

Giles is pulling away from the others. He's beginning to see the Slayers as nameless, faceless people. He realizes that he'll have to sacrifice them - and some part of himself - again at some point in the future, so he's subconsciously distancing himself from the pain. He's slowly becoming the Old Council. Comes to realize that while he may have to distance himself from the body as a whole, it doesn't mean he shouldn't have any attachments at all. And that he can be those two people - the one that can love them, but still sacrifice them for the greater good if necessary (which will work, as Giles will ultimately sacrifice himself, NOT for the greater good but because he doesn't want them to die). ** Which may be a good time to point out that I was going to kill Giles next season, kisses.

Tara:

Tara's quest this year will be for her place. She's died and come back, but this isn't "right". There is a balance in things, and she feels she's upset that balance. She'll explore her past and her family to find out why, in a grander sense, she's back and how she fits in now.

Tara and Willow:

Tara discovers that Willow has somewhat enshrined her as a result of her death and return. Willow caves to Tara almost constantly, and it's beginning to affect them both, but Willow can't bring herself to fight with Tara as a result of what happens every time they fight. She doesn't want Tara to go away again. They must fight, they have to learn that it's okay. Tara pushes it with Willow and makes it happen. Maybe when Tara goes to visit her family, that's the catalyst.

Dawn:

Dawn becomes victim of the time-old adage, "be careful what you wish for". She's always wanted to be a Scooby, but now that's beginning to conflict with her other desire to be a regular teenaged girl and her other big desire: to be an adult. All these worlds are colliding and Dawn's not sure which is more important. Blows off Scooby things for friend-things sometimes. Blows off friend-things for Scooby-things.

Re Grip: They're getting closer, but she keeps having to put off things with him due to Scooby situations. Grip notices and (kindly) confronts her, wondering if she really just doesn't want to see him anymore but doesn't know how to tell him. When he finds out about the baddies, he'll back away, needing time to process. Poor Dawnie.

Faith:

Faith will spend the season getting back onto the redemptive path she's been on for years. She doesn't feel bad that she killed Judith and is wondering what the means (somewhat like when her mother died). She'll learn that just because she's stumbled doesn't mean she's fallen. She begins in England, hiding out from Trillium. Thinking she should go solo, it was easier when she didn't have anyone else to worry about. Doesn't want to go back, but Kennedy pushes her. Once back, Faith avoids everyone. Should Giles maybe get Faith into therapy?

Buffy agitated that Faith isn't really being punished. Faith points out that a lot of people around Buffy are killers and they've never been punished either. Buffy needs things black and white, Faith is another shade of grey and it's getting harder and harder for her to do her job.

Xander gets to the heart of things too much, and Faith doesn't want to deal with that. Finally it's Willow who lets Faith know that there's someone who DOES understand. It's the first step in getting Faith back into things, but she still doesn't want to teach.

Maybe at some point in the season, Faith takes off? If so, Xander should probably pursue. (Might tie in nicely to Xander's "what's my role?" arc. Perhaps he has a job interview or something that he can't miss out on that will further define him, but he misses it because he has to help Faith, and that's the choice he makes) Could be where Hazel's death gets resolved. Goes to Hazel's house and parents for that?

Faith's murder issue will probably come to a head when she's face-to-face with Finch's child. Kid wants revenge, and Faith understands that. States how it won't make anything better, but gives up and says that if s/he wants it so bad, just take it. S/he doesn't, of course, which would probably disappoint Faith to a degree.

Maybe show Faith just starting to teach again at the end of the season, rather than some big culmination. Maybe she's forced into it when the VS keeps the other Slayers occupied? Buffy would be elsewhere at the time.

The Big Bad

** These are some of my earliest notes, as reflected in how I’m using my placeholder names like “Dark Coven”. A lot of it deals with what happened in S8, but it outlines the larger arc, which would have come to a head in S10.

What the Bad Guys Want

The Dark Coven is seeking to reawaken The Old Ones. As per Giles in “Welcome to the Hellmouth", the Old Ones were driven out when the lost their "purchase" on this reality. The last vestiges of the Old Ones fed on a human, mixed their blood, and created the first vampire. This proves that humans were around during the time of the Old Ones. He also states that vamps, demons and some magicks are leftovers from the time of the Old Ones.

The Dark Coven is a group that has been around since the time of the Old Ones. They are in allegiance with them, and are currently seeking to free them. In their current incarnation, they are very, very close (comparatively speaking). The Old Ones are sealed away somewhere by a series of extremely intricate locks, well nigh impenetrable. But they actually are already well on their way to opening them.

More than anything else, the DC is a master of manipulation with OODLES of patience. They've been working on freeing the Old Ones since their imprisonment. As is eventually revealed, they have been twisting events with the Scoobies for years, bringing them to the point where the Old Ones are ready to be freed.

When the Old Ones Roamed

They were, quite simply, lords of their domain. They are few in number, but unfathomably powerful. As with many nigh-omnipotent beings, however, they became bored and complacent. They began to tinker with things and began creating demons, unleashing them on the world. The demons, however, were little more than slaves, and no matter how evil, nothing much likes being enslaved. The demons, together with humans (quite possibly including the Shadow Men from "Get it Done") were able to ensnare the Old Ones -- you can't kill them, but they were imprisoned. Once the Old Ones were gone, their power slowly vanished, diminishing their partners/lackies/etc. (like the DC), and leaving the created demons and humans to fight over the rest of the land.

Season 6 Manipulation

The DC, although powerful, are themselves, collectively, unable to open the remaining locks (if they could ever open any at all). However they soon discovered one girl, Willow Rosenberg, who had the innate ability to channel the energies necessary to set things into motion. She just needed the right motivation to get the power.

Exactly how far their manipulation into these events goes, we don't know. What is for certain is that they fixed it so that Tara would be shot and killed by Warren's stray bullet. (The reasoning for this idea: there's absolutely no way the bullet could have possibly killed Tara in the way it did. Warren was in the backyard, running away and shooting upwards. Tara was standing by the bedroom window on the second story. The bullet shot through the glass, and through her, at no angle at all. Obviously in-show this was done for dramatic purposes, but they left a door open for outside creative interpretation and I’m going through it.)

As they knew it would, this prompts Willow to become hell-bent on revenge and absorb enough power to destroy the world. She goes to Kingman's Bluff, raises the effigy of Proserpexa, and begins to funnel her energies into it. Had she done this enough, she would have raised one of the Old Ones herself (or Proserpexa could have take the next step in unlocking one of the doors), however Xander interceded and saved Willow before this could happen.

NOTE: Perhaps Xander's interception is what was actually needed here? I always found it interesting that he completely blocked and seemingly absorbed all that power Willow was throwing at the effigy without even blinking. Was this maybe super-charging him for something? Could this maybe be key to what they will need to save him from later on? (S10 stuff.)

The Proserpexa angle maybe have been removed, but the DC didn't mind -- Willow had now unlocked enough of the power within herself to open another lock.

Season 7 Manipulation

This stems from a whole lot of S7 never really standing up to much scrutiny. Take, for example, the scythe. Caleb and the First spend SO much time and energy in uncovering the scythe, claiming to know how very important it was to NOT allow Buffy & Co. to get it -- when if they hadn't even been trying to get it, Buffy wouldn't have ever known it was there. This in and of itself seems to make ZERO sense, particularly since it never seemed to be that the First could use the scythe himself -- it was all about keeping it from the Slayer. So, very stupid to not only sit on the darned thing, but to ACTIVELY BRING YOUR ENEMIES TO IT (the "trap" in "Dirty Girls" leads Buffy and the Slayers to the vineyard, They never would have bothered going there otherwise).

My reasoning: The First is also an Old One. And he set his plan up specifically to fail. He himself is immortal, he cannot die. And he doesn't really give a crap about ubervamps and Bringers. Their plan all along was to make the Scoobies unleash the scythe to awaken all the Slayers.

Why? As mentioned in "Get it Done", there is a well of Slayer power. That well is usually filled nearly to capacity. It was, after all, only being used by Buffy, and then Faith. The fact that the emergence of a second Slayer did nothing to diminish either's power indicates that it's not shared on that kind of level. In addition, the awakening of all the Slayers at the end of "Chosen" didn't seem to cause any sort of power drain. Instead, we theorize that the well is deep, but has a finite capacity. When Willow did the spell, she in essence pulled the stopper on the well and drained it dry. This well, however, happens to be one of the keys to freeing the Old Ones, and once it drops to a certain level, the "door" that it locks is open.

Moving on -- The Chosen

When Slayers die now, one is not called in their place. There is a finite number of Slayers in the world now. When they die, their Slayerness returns to the well. Only once it reaches a certain level (presumably it's "default" state, pre-spell) will the "natural" process resume. The DC obviously don't want this to happen, as once it "refills" to a certain point, the door will close again. Hence their working with the Assemblage of Merodoch (previously, "Dark Council"); by harnessing and funneling the Slayerness into an already existing Slayer, it does not return to the well, hence no refill.

But that isn't the only reason the DC are working with the Assemblage. The AoM also has another key: an angel that they're keeping chained up in the deepest sublevel of their headquarters. This angel has, perhaps, been around as long as the Old Ones themselves. Perhaps he even aided in imprisoning them. He was captured shortly thereafter, however, and has remained that way ever since (we're talking pretty close to pre-recorded history here, as long as the Slayer line has been in existence, possibly longer).

Idea: The angel can only be freed by a descendant of one who imprisoned him in the first place. Maybe a Giles?

He is a key -- maybe something he says? His true name, perhaps? The DC want him, but the AoM have him and won't give him up. They have said, however, that once Order is restored to the world, they will provide the DC with the means to do whatever they need to do with him. The DC is okay with this -- they're currently getting something from the Council (someone to alert them to the need to funnel Slayer energy and someone to keep all that tiresome business together while they focus on the really important stuff).

Like good ol' Willow Rosenberg.

They call Willow "The Sangerand" ("the bloody"), and they should absolutely not be done with her yet. Willow's independent further role, we don't yet know, but she commands their greatest amount of attention. Her, and Tara. ("The Curat", or "the pure"?)

When they resurrect Tara, it is ostensibly under the guise of killing Willow. However the true reason is to fulfill Tara's part of this prophecy (which includes her death, resurrection and making the choice to not kill Willow), possibly including the sharing of power that Willow will need to do to save them.

Thinking on it, it would be cool to have each Scooby play an important role somehow in all of this. Sort of like their being together in this way was a fated thing. "The Chosen" indeed.

**ADDENDUM** I really like this idea of each Scooby playing a particular role. This could still lead up to the eventual death of Giles, which in and of itself will provide the beginnings of the Coven's downfall. They do whatever they're doing to Xander, which will kill him - but that won't matter because his role in unlocking the door will be done. Will is going to be doing the spell to save him, which will kill her in turn, but that's okay too because her part is also played in releasing the Old Ones. Giles, however, has NOT yet done his part, and he completely surprises everyone when he takes Willow's place, thereby saving both Will and Xander. This totally throws the Coven for a loop, though obviously they must still be able to do what they need to without Giles, else their plans are over with right then and there. It's crucial that his sacrifice NOT be part of the DC's plans, else it takes away from its poignancy.

Will need some sort of prophecy-type thing detailing what is needed to be done to release the Old Ones. Should be nice and vague, but with meaning once you figure it out.

Scooby Designations

Willow: The Sangerand ("the bloody")

Tara: The Curat ("the pure")

Xander: The Vedere ("the sight"), The Asar ("all-seeing eye") -- "The Baani" ("The Architect" - Urdu)

Buffy: The Kusari ("the chain"), The Revenire ("the returned"), The Gula or The Bau ("Lady Who the Dead Bring Back to Life")

Giles: The Verhaal ("the history"), The Shoukin/The Infria, ("redemption"), The Shin'ar ("Land of the Watchers")

Faith: ("the dark"), ("the restrained"), ("the wild")

Dawn: ("the cherished"), ("the gateway"), ("the portal"), ("the key")

The Prophecy

Opening Quatrain

Buffy :: The Trimarga :: Three Path A heartbeat thrice begun A death mark thrice given All roads lead to the town of three When her spilled blood shall spill again

Willow :: The Sangerand :: The Bloody Blood flowing, blood taken Forces awoken, decline and ascent Blood given, life exchanged Freely, she will fall

Xander :: The Baani :: The Builder Grief and rage, life's destruction Mind and body, life's cohesion Heart and spirit, life's devotion Melding, merging; essence anew

Giles :: The Tezan :: The Way Forger of paths, the first and his kin The demon wields the plague of black Summoner, banisher Pierce the barrier, paths renewed

Tara :: The Curat :: The Pure Birth and rebirth, the cycle complete Connected to evil, untainted Power innate and power borrowed Through the light she will free the ancient one

Dawn :: The Amelatu :: The Gatekeeper Living energy made flesh and form Younger in life, older than death Truth altered, life shed And the walls will fall

The Slayer Well Solitary hunter, night's enemy She alone will stand When the well is drained and strength is shared One becomes Many

Closing Quatrain And so it is written Seven locks hold fast The masters expelled, the world cleansed Until the Chosen play their part

Seven keys for seven locks From the first to fall, five score and one If all locks turn, the door lay open And the Old Ones shall reclaim the Earth

Buffy: The Trimarga ("three path" :: the triple path of Knowledge [jnanayoga], Devotion [bhaktiyoga] and Action [karmayoga]). Three times her heart has started beating, three times she's been marked by a vampire (Angel, Dracula and the Vamp Slayer [yet to happen) and in town of threes(??). Something to do with blood - some of it needed to open the lock. Blood of a Slayer is already potent, and Buffy's was obviously enough to close the portal in place of Dawn.

Willow: The Sangerand ("the bloody"). Willow will cast a blood-sacrifice spell, that will enable her to willingly exchange her life for another. It has to be this spell based upon how Mads and the others are killing Xander. Very, very powerful, only she can do it. The flow of the energies will open the lock.

Xander: The Baani ('the builder"). Xander is the "incuabator" for two very powerful magicks. They don't impact him directly, but it is his nature - his very self - that will enable them to merge within him to create something new. The first blast came from Willow on Kingman's Bluff. The second, from the orb destroyed in "Win, Lose or Draw". Madrigan will take Xander around the mid-point of S10 to extract the magicks from him. It will kill him in the process, but that's of little concern.

Giles: The Tezan ("the way"). Giles' role is to obtain a ring that has been in his family for generations upon generations. Unknown to those recently, the jewel of the ring actually contains a demon - a demon that was the original cause of the Black Plague in the 1330's. Giles' ancestor, a powerful warlock for the Council, was the first human to pierce the barrier between this dimension and a demon dimension where he summoned a demon and bound it to his service. The demon was sent to China, where it was supposed to take out a group of other demonic creatures trying to open a Hellmouth there. It did indeed do that, but not before starting the plague. The Council, rather than destroy the ring and banish the creature, said "We'll control it better next time." The ring's purpose was eventually lost,. Giles is supposed to release and then banish the demon, again piercing the dimensional barrier and opening that lock. ** He dies instead, sacrificing himself to save both Willow and Xander. Oops.

Tara: The Curat ("the pure"). Tara's lock will open upon her freeing the Antediluvian. The Antediluvian is an angelic creature that was captured by Robespierre's ancestors. Its imprisonment means the lock is sealed - its freedom opens it. Tara is able to free it due to her lineage as a witch, her purity of spirit, her completed cycle of birth and rebirth, and (by binding with Willow) her immense white magick power creating the necessary conditions. Ruth, Tara's grandmother or great-grandmother, was also thought at one time to have been the Curat, but was not. However she does recognize the qualities within Tara. (Perhaps the Antediluvian, despite its imprisonment being a good thing, can do great good if it's released?) ** Later in S9, Tara and Co. would have freed the Antediluvian to save Buffy after Yuugana’s attack.

Dawn: The Amelatu ("the gatekeeper"). Dawn herself is able to open the lock. Not a lot of detail here. We'll need to sort out somehow or another that Dawn will do this ... or perhaps she already has? There seems to be little better time for Dawn to have opened the necessary lock than when all the dimensional walls were coming down.

Additional Lock: The well of Slayer power being drained. This was done by Willow in S7, but is not Willow's specific key.

Additional Info: Once any lock falls, there is a "timer" of 100 years for the rest to fall, or they all lock again.

** It may not escape notice that Faith is not part of this prophecy. That became by design, not oversight. I loved how this idea of “The Chosen” worked into the larger series theme, but I also hate the ideas of fate and destiny being controlling factors. Faith was going to be my argument against all that. When all the prophecy pieces were revealed, Faith would (rather defeatedly in her Faith way) note that she had no part to play. But she is the embodiment of being Chosen, as the characters choose to have Faith by their side and fuck prophecy anyway. Their unreserved acceptance of Faith, and Faith’s acceptance of THAT, would have been the culmination of her character arc in S10 (and my series).

S10 Ideas

Something to do with tarot cards, with each member maybe being a particular card?

Several characters get thrown back in time to an earlier season. Dawn especially should go, as she wasn't around then.

stained glass idea. couples. Buffy left free. Valentine's day ep.

"The Impossible Dream" - Man of La Mancha lyrics

Faith having conversation with Kendra -- result of illness, injury, or prophetic dream

** An episode I was definitely going to do, but frustratingly can’t find any notes for (making me feel there must be SOMETHING else out there somewhere but fuck me if I know where) had Willow and Tara going to Los Angels and visiting Lorne’s bar, Caritas.

S10 Ending

Everyone ends on a thematic note, their actions in the final battle bringing together 10 years of development:

Giles's sacrifice makes victory possible - by finally following his heart rather than his duty he saves the world.

Xander, by virtue (and surprise) of simply being Xander, strikes the final blow.

Willow succeeds only by keeping herself in check, refusing to break and believing that she can win.

Buffy's victories come from not only sharing herself (mentally to Willow and physically to Faith and Kennedy) but truly, finally, accepting that she's not in this alone.

Dawn makes the sacrifice she was destined to make from the moment she was created.

Tara is the touchstone, giving the strength and support to everyone else and the lifeline that ultimately saves Dawn.

Faith has no greater role handed to her by fate -- but she's here and kicking ass so screw you, fate.

(work on Kennedy, she ends up fighting w/ Buff and Faith, but does she start there? maybe she and Faith start with Tara and Dawn?)

IDEAS

Seneca final battle. He's winning. Standing over Buffy, gloating smile. Then he finally speaks. Something like, "I've waited a long time to--" Then he gets skewered (Faith or Kennedy, maybe both.) He can't say anything else, just gurgle. He dies, and the Slayers stand over him.

Buffy: "Blah blah blah. You know, just once I'd like to meet a bad guy who knows how to keep his mouth shut."

Kennedy: "No lie. Still, I wonder what he was going to say?"

Faith: "Who the hell cares?"

Buffy HAS to be part of final Madrigan fight. She goes initially with Xander and Willow. Xander gets struck down by Mads, seemingly dead. Buffy gets nailed too. Willow needs Buffy to get through this though, and Buff gives Will her strength (flashback to "Same Time Same Place" as well as early Chosen w/ Willow and Buffy being so attuned -- see, not a throw-away plot point! Planned all along!) Leads to good "final" conversation/bonding with them as they search for Madrigan in the mental plane.

Earlier in the season, Madrigan extracting the magick from Xander. Very painful for Xander. Madrigan talking to him though, very chatty, very casual. Xander trying to dig for info, Madrigan clearly seeing through it. He likes the cliche though (exposition while acknowledging how clunky and stupid it is to have exposition here). Mads being real bastard (passively though) to Xander this whole time, noting how Xander isn't even really important in and of himself, it's only what others do with him that counts (maybe include little side wink-nudge point, it's what's inside Xander that matters). Mads ends the conversation by apologizing. "Sorry dude, this has gotta suck for you. Hey, you know what I like to do when I'm down? TV! You like 'Murphy Brown'? I've been Netflixing it." He and Seneca proceed to sit down and watch while Xander is essentially tortured behind them. Mads just turns up the volume.

Season 10 Final Fight

Buffy, Kennedy and Faith will go after Seneca.

Willow and Tara will be walking along in the facility when they're attacked. Tara is thrown away from Willow, who is then going to be caught behind an impenetrable shield with Madrigan. He wants to face her alone on an astral plane of sorts. Tara can't join her. Willow is depowered somewhat as a result of the spell she was casting to save Xander. Madrigan wants to fight her, however. Will surprises him - she thought like him and figured he would do this. As a result, Xander is piggy-backing with her, and she's not alone. Madrigan says that he knows Xander, and Xander won't kill him. He's wrong. X: "He don't know me very well, do he?"

Meanwhile, the door to release the Old Ones is opening and they can't stop it. Or they think they can't. Dawn realizes that she, being the Key, can. She begins to do so, but it's taking so much power, it's essentially killing her. Dawn is reverting to pure energy form. Buffy screams at her, tells her not to, but Dawn says she's spent the past five years wondering - feeling, even - that she should've died on that tower. Now she knows that she wasn't supposed to die, she was supposed to live to do this. "This is the job that I have to do." Buffy can't stop her. Tara fights though, won't let Dawn go. Tara eventually passes out and Dawn disappears. The energy is gone and so is Dawn, but the door is closed and locked again.

Not long after, Buffy goes home. Willow and Xander are with Tara at the hospital (she’s drained but okay). Buffy seems to be alone. She's completely dispirited - Dawn is dead. She enters her room, only to find Dawn there. B: "What are you doing here?" Shades of Dawn's first appearance. Turns out (as we'll learn in the final episode) that Dawn has given up all of her Key powers - for real this time. She is now, completely and utterly, a very real, very normal girl.

** And finally, I give you all with this. It’s a rough sketch of the scene after Giles has died, so would have come about 2/3rd of the way through Season 10. I wrote this in 2004, about a week after the death of my grandfather. I like to think that, if I’d gotten that far, this would have been one of those moments that would have stuck with you. I certainly would’ve tried.

Giles Death Reactions

These are a sequence of silent scenes.

We first see Faith in a darkened training room. She's punching a punching bag.

We're in Giles loft, the lights all dark. The door opens, and Hannah's standing there, on the threshold. She doesn’t enter.

We're in a hospital, private room. There are two beds. The one on the far left contains Xander. He looks gaunt, pale, near death. But breathing. His heart monitor gives a steady readout. Dawn sits next to him, inbetween the two beds. Tears are streaming down her cheeks – simply falling, she's not sobbing. She watches Xander with a fearful, worried expression, then turns to the next bed. There's Willow, also pale and drawn. She doesn't look well either, though not quite as bad as Xander. Tara sits on the other side of the bed, as close to it as she can possibly get. One of Willow's hands is held up in both of hers, Willow's fingers resting on Tara's lips. Tara's eyes are red – she's obviously been crying too. She meets Dawn's gaze. Neither smile.

We're in Giles' office. Buffy is standing in the doorway. Her face is blank.

We're back in the loft, Hannah's position mirroring Buffy's. She walks inside and finds herself drawn toward Giles' stereo system. She runs her hands over the CD collection, full of albums and songs from their past.

Faith's punching of the bag increases. She's venting, her jabs more vicious, more focused. Over her shoulder, we see Kennedy watching.

The hospital. Dawn runs a hand through her hair and wipes her eyes after watching Xander intently. She turns to Willow and watches as Willow opens her eyes and blinks. Dawn watches in surprise, and Willow seems to sense the scrutiny. She turns to Dawn and smiles – just a small smile, a pained one, but it's something. Dawn's face breaks into an expression of pure joy and relief, and she says something. Tara has either been locked in thought or asleep, Willow's hand clutched to her forehead, but her head jerks up at Dawn's words. She focuses on Dawn for the briefest of moments before her eyes go back to Willow. Willow is already looking at her, and she smiles again, a bit stronger this time. Willow says something too, and it causes Tara to laugh. The laugh turns into a sob of relief though, and Tara kisses Willow's hand several times then leans over and kisses her forehead. Will is weak, but is able to give Tara a one-armed hug, kissing her on the cheek, then turning to Dawn and extending her other arm. Dawn is there in a heartbeat, also crying in relief.

Giles' office. Almost trancelike, Buffy moves further into the darkened office, which is lit only by the lamp on the desk. As she walks, her eyes are drawn to things. The rows and rows of books that Giles surrounded himself with. The bookcases that Xander built, not only filled with books but also decorated with knickknacks – various small statues and effigies and an Owl plushie. She looks to the opposite wall, where hangs a variety of pictures, but dominating them all, easily the biggest and with the proudest placement, is a picture of Giles, snapped at a moment none of them were expecting. He was obviously the victim of a random group hug attack – Buffy, Willow, Xander, Tara and Dawn, all hugging him fiercely. Giles has that look on his face where he's trying hard to be annoyed with them, but is secretly loving every moment. Buffy's movement into the office hasn't halted, hasn't slowed from its already snail's pace. She's at the desk now. Bathed in the warm glow of the lamp, she sees a cup of tea, only half-drunk, as though Giles will be returning any moment to finish it. Most prominent, however, are the sealed envelopes on the desk, several of them, each bearing a name. We see Buffy's name on the top one, and can see hints of other's beneath: Willow, Xander, etc. Giles' glasses rest nearby.

Faith is almost in a frenzy of kicks and punches now. Her teeth are clenched and she looks like she wants nothing more than to have the bag turn into the Grim Reaper himself so she can pound the crap out of him. A hand rests on her shoulder, and Faith whirls around to see Kennedy there. Faith looks like she might just start beating the shit out of Kennedy as well, but then Kennedy takes Faith's hand and puts a stake in it. Faith looks down at it questioningly, then looks to Kennedy. Kennedy holds up her own stake. Faith's eyes narrow and she nods, just slightly.

Hannah's by the window in Giles' loft, simply looking out, looking at nothing in particular. She hugs herself and her head drops as she starts to softly cry.

In the hospital room, Willow casts an anxious look at Xander still motionless in his bed. She looks first to Dawn, then Tara, who says something that causes Willow to relax considerably. She smiles, but soon realizes her smiles aren't being returned. She again looks questioningly from one to the other, but neither speak. She's getting really worked up now, scared, and Dawn starts to say something. She doesn't get far, though, before she can't speak any more. Willow turns immediately to Tara, who picks up where Dawn left off. Willow watches, still afraid. Then the fear turns to disbelief. She's starting to cry now and she shakes her head in denial. She looks to Dawn, looking for someone to tell her that what she's heard isn't true, but Dawn can only cry. Willow looks back to Tara again and says something, begging for it not to be true. Tara can only look at her with sympathy and matching pain as Willow dissolves into tears.

Giles office. Buffy is sitting in the corner, her back against the wall, curled in on herself. We can't see her face, but her shaking shoulders tell us all we need to know. She's hugging the Owl plushie for dear life.

CUT TO BLACK

** And that, my friends, is that.

#jw writes stuff #btvs: the chosen #IT TOOK ME LONGER THAN I THOUGHT #and now i'm officially drained and exhausted goodnight

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doctor-spencer-ried · 5 years

Text

Just a Crush (VI)

Pairing: Spencer Reid X Reader

Hanahaki Disease AU

Summary: More questions arise but things take a turn before you can get any real answers.

Masterlist ~ Part 6 (Word count: 2471)

A/N: My knowledge of behavioral analysis is limited to this show and my Forensic class, so there may be holes and incorrect analysis.

~~~

“What did you and J.J. find out when you questioned the parents of the first victims?”

You and the rest of the team sit in the police department, going over everything once again in hopes of seeing something new. You only have a few days before the unsub kills again, and everyone wants to catch him before that happens.

“The two victims, Joseph Banks and Taylee Caldwell, had been in a relationship for three years according to their parents. They were high school sweethearts and moved in together when they graduated,” Spencer explains, but you notice that his voice lacks any sort of interest in the words, “However, about a week before they were killed, they had a pretty volatile fight. The day before they both disappeared, the parents say they had a very public break up.”

“Could that have been the stressor?” Emily questions from beside you.

It would make sense. If the unsub witnessed the breakup, it could have been enough to set him off. In his mind, they had a bond he would never get to experience because his love is unrequited. They threw away a relationship that he envied, that he wished above everything that he could have. What they did was unbelievable to him. He got angry and killed them because they didn’t realize what they had was unique, special. They just gave up on it.

You begin to wonder about this unrequited love of the unsub. She would probably know about him. The new profile in your head leads you to believe he would show obsessive tendencies towards her. Excessive gifts, attention, actions that could be considered stalkerish. Maybe you can find the girl if you ask around, and then you can find the unsub.

“We should ask about the friends, see if any of them fit our profile,” Morgan suggests, “It’s very likely the unsub had a personal connection with them.”

“That’s a good idea. Ried, Prentiss, go interview the friends, see what you can find,” Hotch intructs, then his eyes dart to you and you freeze, shaking you head rapidly, “Go with them, (l/n), and take it easy.”

You grumble under your breath but nod. Prentiss stands and you follow her, head down to avoid eye contact with Spencer. Why is Hotch doing this to you? Maybe this is his idea of how to break the awkwardness between you and Spencer that has been persisting for the past couple days. Ever since he said those things in the hotel lobby, you’ve been avoiding him like the plague. Yes, your heart still aches when you see him or hear his voice, but now it is a mix of pain and love.

“Where do we go first?” You ask.

“I say we go talk to Taylee’s friends first. They probably would have paid more attention to the type of people she hung out with,” Emily suggests and you nod in agreement.

“The person we’re looking for likely broke things off with the others once the two went missing. He would isolate himself after the incident,” Spencer chips in from behind you, “Hopefully they’ve noticed his absence. It would have been abrupt.”

“Like yo-”

“Hey, Spencer, do you remember the name of Taylee’s best friend? Did her mom ever talk about them?” Emily cuts you off, narrowing her eyes at you. You scoff and cross your arms.

“Yah, Mrs. Caldwell mentioned that most of the friends came to the funeral. She talked about a...Kathryn. Kathryn Jones. She grew up with Taylee, they’re next door neighbors!”

“That’s where we’re going then.”

“We’re looking for Kathryn Jones. Does she live here still?”

An older woman, you assume she’s Kathryn’s mom, shakes her head, “No, she moved out after the...after Taylee’s funeral.” She dabs at her eyes with a handkerchief.

Spencer clears his throat and steps up beside you, “And where does Kathryn live now?”

“She moved to the other side of town. She said she didn’t want to be here anymore, where there were so many reminders of…” She trails off.

“Do you know her address?” Emily presses softly.

“Yes, yes, let me go write it down.”

Mrs. Jones dips back into her home, leaving the door open. You sigh and lean against one of the walls, tiredness creeping up your bones. Even with all the extra rest you got the past couple days, being out and about stresses your body. You wish you could lay down and take a nap. Maybe if you take the back seat you’ll be able to.

The mother comes back a few moments later with a card, the address written on it in messy letters. You thank her for her time and head back to the car.

“Are you okay? You seem a little unsteady,” Spencer worries as he comes up beside you.

You shrug and look away from him, replying in a clipped voice, “I’m fine, just tired. Come on, let’s go.”

You don’t see the way he flinches at your steely tone or the flash of hurt in his eyes. In the same way, he does not see the blush that lights up your face and the sadness that clouds your expression. It hurts to be so close to him yet so far. It’s his fault though, and he needs to face the consequences of his actions.

You cover up a cough as you climb into the car.

“Kathryn Jones?” Emily knocks on the door.

“Yes?” The girl you’ve been searching for comes to the door, opening it a smidge.

“Hi, I’m Emily Prentiss from the FBI, and these are Agents (l/n) and Reid, we have a few questions for you, if that’s okay.”

Kathryn nods slowly and opens the door the rest of the way. You step in after your companions, taking a quick look around the room. It’s pretty bland for a college student. Not many personal touches or bright pops of color that might be expected. Everything is in order and decorations are sparse. All signs of someone going through an overwhelming change in their life.

You settle down in the living room and Emily begins the interview, “We were wondering if you’ve noticed an absence of anyone after Taylee’s death. A close friend perhaps who’s became disconnected from the rest of your group.”

“What, what do you mean?” Kathryn asks, eyebrows drawing together in confusion, “You think a friend killed…?” Her voice slowly dies off.

“We do believe that the murderer could have been a friend of Taylee or Joseph,” Spencer tells her, “Their breakup would have had a big impact on him. Can you recall anyone that had a negative reaction to their separation?”

“Well, I mean, yah. We were all pretty shocked,” Kathryn shifts uncomfortably, “Everyone thought they were going to get married eventually.”

“Okay, but did anyone stick out? Did anyone get angry about it?” Emily asks.

“No, not anyone I knew. We all...we all just wanted to comfort Taylee. She was heartbroken.”

“Do you know who initiated the fight and the breakup?” You pipe up, curious.

“Taylee did,” the words are quiet, “she thought Joseph was cheating on her.”

This piques your interest, “Was he?”

Kathryn shakes her head, “No, he was always faithful to her. No one knows why she got paranoid. He always treated her right, respected her. They were perfect together.”

You wonder if that is the particular fact that stressed the unsub. In his eyes, the woman is at fault for ending the relationship, so she is the one who deserves to suffer for it. Now he targets any couple who seems unsatisfied with their relationship.

After a few more questions, Emily decides that there’s nothing else to be found out. She begins to usher you and Spencer out but you ask her to give you a minute. You wait until they’re both out and the door is closed before you turn to Kathryn.

“I have one last question for you if you’re okay with that,” You prompt, raising an eyebrow at her.

“Okay?”

“Do you know anyone who has been getting some unwanted attention? A girl. Perhaps she’s getting gifts or she feels like she’s being followed or watched?”

You just need something. A name, or a description. You need to find this girl.

“Um, I don’t, I don’t know.” You narrow your eyes at her hesitation.

“Are you sure?”

“Well, I mean, there’s this one girl I used to be friends with in highschool. She always got notes and stuff in her locker, but she had a boyfriend, and they weren’t from him. Sometimes she got freaked out about it, but it didn’t seem like anything big, just some high school crush.”

That’s how it always starts. A tiny crush.

“Are you still in contact with this girl?”

“Not really, she and her boyfriend got married and moved away. I have no clue where they went.”

She’s gone? You grind your teeth together. Of course she’s gone. The only living connection you have to the unsub is gone.

“Do you know anyone that may still be in contact with her? Anyone that might have her number?”

You need to talk to her. You need to find out who this psycho is. He needs to be stopped before he can cause any more damage. You need to stop him.

Kathryn shakes her head and you have to refrain from groaning. Great, just great.

“Thank you for your time. And I’m sorry for your loss,” You offer shortly before going out to meet the others by the car.

You run a hand through your hair in frustration, biting your lip so hard that you taste blood. That’s normal now though, isn't it? The permanent burn in your throat, the tightness in your chest, the flowers in your lungs. They’re not going away anytime soon. You will die eventually because of them and so will this unsub. He needs to answer for his crimes before that happens though.

“Is everything okay?” Emily approaches you when you step out the door.

You swipe at your bleeding lip and nod.

“I’m going for a walk. I’ll meet you at the station.”

The words are determined, leaving no room for arguing. You really need to walk and think. Being near Spencer doesn’t help you to do that, and you really need to figure out another way to find this guy. Your body is screaming at you to rest, but you need to do this.

Emily doesn’t say anything so you decisively turn around and start down the sidewalk. The station isn’t that far anyways, but it’s enough to clear your head.

“Wait,” Oh no. “I’m coming with you.”

No no no no no. Why? Why can’t he leave you be for just one moment?

You know there’s no way of stopping him, so you just keep walking, too aware of the footsteps coming up behind you. It’s difficult but you force your eyes to stay forward, refusing to look at him. There’s no telling what will happen if you look at him now. Your mind is all over the place and your emotions are no better. You’re frustrated, tired, and upset.

“Can we talk?” His voice is meek in a way you have never heard before.

“I can’t really stop you,” You grunt, attempting to keep a monotonous expression.

“I’m sorry.”

Your steps almost stagger.

“Really?” You stop in your tracks to face him.

Your words aren’t angry or anything, just inquisitive. You’re too tired to be mad at him. The past two days have been a living nightmare for you, and from what Emily has told you, it’s been rough for him as well. You thought you could keep it up for a few more days, but the pain has only gotten worse and the illness has progressed quicker than you expected.

“What I said was inappropriate at the time, at any time, and I was wrong and immature,” He speaks quickly, like he can’t control it.

“And hurtful and ignorant,” you cut in, crossing your arms over your chest.

“I know and I’m sorry. I didn’t mean any of it, I was just worried.”

You scowl softens a bit and you finally let your eyes trail up to meet his. His entire face expresses how apologetic he is, eyes wide and pleading. You sigh, giving up completely on staying mad at him. You should have known it would be useless. He has always had a place in your heart, you can’t deny that. You could never deny that.

“I know you were worried Spence,” You whisper, reaching out to grab one of his hands which lay limply by his side, “And I’m sorry I worried you, but I’m an adult. You know that. I’m an adult FBI agent. I can protect myself.”

“But you’re sick.” His eyes dart around your face, lips pursed and eyebrows drawn tightly together.

You sigh. If only he knew.

“I’m not stupid though. I know what I’m doing and I know how to take care of myself.” You look down and give his hand a squeeze before letting go, “I was at the crime scene because I knew there was something we missed, something that could lead us to the unsub. I was right too, but you dismissed me.”

This seems to catch his attention and his eyes blow wide, “What? You found something? Why didn’t you tell us?”

“I was too busy being yelled at,” You drawl, fixing him with a steady gaze that makes him shift uncomfortably.

His mouth falls open, sputtering out another apology, and you just smile at him sadly. He probably doesn’t know the true depth of the hurt he caused you. No simple apology can fix that, but it’s kind of him to try. That’s all you wanted from him.

“What, what did you find?” He finally asks, rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

You press your lips together tightly, knowing the information won’t really help anymore now that you know the girl is gone. You clench your fists, nails digging into your palms as you stare at the concrete below your feet. “It won’t do much now.”

“It could sti-”

The sound of a sharp impact rings in your ears and your head jolts up just in time to see Spencer crumble. Your mouth opens, a scream stuck in your throat, but it gets cut off when something heavy slams into your temple. You fall to your hands and knees next to Spencer.

“Spence?” You try to reach out to him but lose balance and fall to your side.

“You should have gone with the other agent, (y/n) (y/l).”

Your head jolts towards the voice and you barely make out the dark, looming figure before everything falls into darkness.

Part 7

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #x reader #reader #reader insert #emily prentiss #aaron hotchner #derek morgan #hanahaki #hanahaki disease

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once-upon-a-spemily · 6 years

Text

Let’s Grow Old Together 1/3

Summary: Spencer agrees to pretend to date Emily at her ex’s wedding, because she can’t say no to Emily. Besides, it’s harmless, right? Just a few nights of being silly and fun together, and then they go back to normal, right?

A/N: This fic’s got all of the tropes. Fake dating. Jealous!Spencer. Pining! Perhaps a drunk proposal at some point! It’s fun! I had exactly no time in my schedule to write this but it wouldn’t leave me alone, so please enjoy this story of Spencer realizing she’s in love with Emily at the worst possible time.

The first thing, the very first thing, Spencer did when she got the invitation was to call Emily. The first thing she heard when Emily picked up was a tear-stained-laugh.

“How’d you know?” Emily asked.

“I know you,” Spencer replied. “I’m sorry, Em.”

“It’s fine, it’s really fine,” Emily said. “I feel so stupid for crying, I just…I didn’t expect her to get married. Not so soon.”

“It’s not stupid,” Spencer said, looking down at the embossed lettering of the invitation. “Your feelings aren’t stupid, Emily.”

“It’s only been a year,” Emily murmured. “How can Alison be getting married only a year after we broke up?”

The wedding was nine months away, but Emily’s point still stood.

“Hey,” Spencer said, “come over to my place. You don’t want to be alone, and I have wine, you can just crash here tonight.”

“God, I’m so there.”

Spencer smiled, tucking the invitation away for now, because Emily did not need to see that again tonight, and she pulled out two wine glasses.

Spencer lived in a house that’s too big for one person. She didn’t like to admit it, because her mom nagged her about it constantly, but it was true. But being a lawyer paid really well and Spencer saw the house and fell in love. She didn’t expect to be alone in it for long. Sometimes, it seemed the joke was on her.

The only reason it was bearable, really, was that Emily’s apartment was ten minutes away, if that. They spent a lot of their free time together.

Spencer didn’t have favorites when it came to her friends, but with Aria in Connecticut and Hanna off in Paris and Milan more than her New York apartment, Emily kind of became her person.

She witnessed, firsthand, the blowout from Emily and Alison’s breakup, and watched Emily piece herself back together.

It’s why, six months before the wedding, Spencer finally broaches the question, “are you going to go?”

Since the Hastings and the DiLaurentis’s were neighbors back in the day, the entire Hastings family was invited to the wedding, and they were all going. Veronica made that very clear. Aria and Hanna were going, too. They tried very hard to remain neutral during the breakup. Spencer did not.

“I don’t know,” Emily said. “We were friends for so long before we got together, and she said she wanted to be friends again…”

Friends is a funny way to put it, Spencer thought, but she knew better than to say anything about it.

“There’s a bridal shower in like three months, so you might want to have your answer before then.”

“I’ll go,” Emily said. “I mean, it’s been over a year since we broke up. How pathetic would it look if I don’t go? I mean, come on.”

“Em–”

“No, no,” Emily said, and she turned around to her fridge, where the invite was being held up with a magnet. She pulled the RSVP card and Spencer watched her check the Will Attend box. “Everyone’s going. I should, too.”

“Okay.”

“I made a mistake.”

It was the night before the bridal shower. They were at Emily’s place, because it was one of those nights where Spencer’s big old house felt too big. They just finished a bottle of wine. Spencer looked at Emily, waiting for her too elaborate.

“What?”

“What the fuck am I doing? Going to my ex’s wedding?” she said, and tears glistened in her eyes. “Look, I’m done being in love with Ali. I’m better, now. But her family will be there, and most of Rosewood and I’m going to get these looks, and these questions and this pity and I can’t– I can’t…”

“Emily, sweetie,” Spencer said, reaching over to play with the ends of Emily’s hair. “It’s going to be okay.”

“It’s going to be awful,” Emily insisted, and seeing her so upset was killing Spencer.

“What can I do? How can I help make it easier for you?” Spencer asked.

“It would just be so much better if…” Emily trailed off, as if she had an idea. “Okay, you’re going to think I’m so crazy, but would you do me a favor?”

“Anything,” Spencer said, without question, because she would. She would do anything for Emily.

“Can we just tell everyone we’re dating?” Emily asked.

Spencer nearly choked on the last of her wine. “What?”

“Look, you know how gossipy Rosewood is. If I show up, by myself, then I’m going to get all that shit, but if I’m with someone, no one will care. It won’t look so sad and I won’t have to deal with people looking at me like I’m some fragile, kicked puppy,” Emily said.

She was not wrong. Spencer knows she wasn’t wrong. But… “Me?”

“Spencer, the bridal shower is tomorrow, where else am I going to find someone?”

“Gee,” Spencer said drily, “you make a girl feel so special.”

“Please?” Emily was whining a little, but it was cute, and Spencer’s heart fluttered. “Just for the shower and the wedding. Two nights you have to pretend to be in love with me. Just two nights.”

“Okay.”

Spencer was almost surprised at herself, but she’d never really been able to say no to Emily, so really, she wasn’t surprised at all.

Emily’s face broke into a smile and Spencer couldn’t even be bothered with how stupid of a plan this was.

They arrived at the bridal shower together. It was at the DiLaurantis’ fancy new house. The entire drive to Rosewood consisted of Spencer trying to hammer out the details of their fake relationship.

“How long have we been dating?” she asked.

“I don’t know, like…four months?” Emily replied, half-paying attention. Spencer filed that away.

“How did we start dating?”

“I don’t know,” Emily shrugged.

“Okay, well, who asked whom out?” Spencer asked.

“Spencer, I don’t know!”

“Well we need to have our story straight!” Spencer said, exasperated.

“I’ll follow your lead, we’ll be fine,” Emily said. “Just act natural. Don’t overthink it, you’ll just ruin the illusion. How we act is more important than some weird checklist of details. Just…pretend you’re in love with me and we’ll be fine.”

Spencer didn’t think that was going to be too hard.

“And you’re gonna pretend you’re in love with me,” she said.

“Of course,” Emily said. She took Spencer’s hand. “We’re partners in this.”

Spencer couldn’t deny she liked the sound of that. Emily only let go of her hand so Spencer could pull into an empty parking spot.

The bridal shower was a little more intimate than the wedding. None of Spencer’s family was there, but there are still too many familiar faces. Too much of Rosewood all in one room. She could see Emily brace herself. Spencer reached down, taking Emily’s hand, slotting their fingers together.

Partners.

“Spencer! Emily!” Alison made her way over to them, beaming widely as if nothing was awkward about this at all. “You made it!”

“Of course,” Spencer said, purposefully sticking her hand out for a handshake before Alison could try to go in for a hug. Spencer had never tried to hide the fact that she took Emily’s side during the breakup, and she wasn’t about to start now.

“Well, I’m very glad you’re here,” Alison said. Before Alison could say anything else, there was a squeal, and Spencer turned just in time for Hanna to throw her arms around her and Emily.

Spencer only let go of Emily’s hand so they could both hug Hanna back, and suddenly Aria was right there too, wiggling her way into the group hug. It’d been nearly a year since the four of them were together, and Spencer had to swallow her tears before they fell.

“How are you guys? How are you, Em?” Hanna asked, and her concern was obvious.

“Doing okay, actually,” Emily said.

Spencer bit her tongue. She wondered if they should play up the fake-dating in front of Aria and Hanna, too, and if they should do it now. She didn’t think about having to lie to them. It was not like they’d never lied to each other before, but it felt different. At the very least, she didn’t want them to be the first people they lie to.

Her worry was pointless, anyway, because only a minute later they were all being ushered into the living room for drinks and appetizers, the opportunity to tell them quickly squandered.

The DiLaurentis’ went big. There was an open bar even at the shower, and it was catered, pastel decorations lining the room. Spencer could almost hear her mother’s criticisms.

Spencer stayed by Emily’s side, the two of them nestled together, almost attached, and Spencer was surprised by how little she overthought anything. She liked the way Emily felt when they stood like this, their sides pressed together, standing as one, and that was all it took for her brain to shut up for once.

They did separate, eventually, and work the room, and that was when Mona swooped in, like some bird of prey. Spencer cringed, steeling herself and forcing a smile.

“Hi, Mona, it’s good to see you again.”

“Don’t start lying already, Spencer, I haven’t even asked you the meaty questions yet,” she said, smiling, and Spencer couldn’t help but think that Mona’s smiles were a little like a crocodile’s – seeing teeth only means you’re about to get bit.

“What, are you going to interrogate me?” Spencer asked. She really wouldn’t put it past Mona.

“Just one for now,” Mona replied, taking the daintiest sip of wine. “You and Emily, when did that happen?”

There was a smug flicker in her eyes, like she couldn’t wait to see Spencer flounder and flush and make excuses. Like she was waiting for the inevitable, ‘oh, no, we’re not together!’. She thought she’d found a chink in the armor.

Spencer smiled, herself, because yes, she was going to have fun with this if she could.

“It happened about four months ago,” she said, and watched Mona choke on her wine, eyes bulging, the smug look on her face not just gone but completely decimated. Spencer stood a little taller, heart racing. Winning was always a good look for a Hastings.

“Excuse me, Mona,” she said and pushed past her, going to get another cocktail

She waited for the bartender to make her drink and Emily sidled up next to her.

“Hi,” she said.

“Hi,” Spencer replied, taking her martini. “Just told Mona the good news.”

Emily laughed, “Yeah?”

Spencer nodded. She turned, and all of a sudden she saw the information move around the room. Mona spreads information fast and Spencer watched the news of the relationship flood the room, going from person to person faster than a new antibiotic resistant superbug.

Spencer watched, actually watched, the moment that Alison found out. Her brows knit together and she looked up, finding Spencer with laser precision. There was something accusatory in her eyes, which wasn’t fucking fair, because she was the one who moved on, she was the one getting married. Spencer stared right back, refusing to be the first to break. Alison looked like she was about to avert her gaze, crumble first, but Spencer felt a hand sliding up her arm and Emily was in her periphery.

She turnrd right in time for Emily’s lips to graze her ear.

“Do you think they know?” Emily whispered, and Spencer could feel her breath against her skin.

Spencer smiled. “Em, the whole room knows.”

Emily laughed, and Spencer lit up. Emily was actually enjoying herself, which meant every moment of this was worth it.

It took about five minutes for Hanna and Aria to corner them.

“When were you going to tell us?” Hanna demanded.

“We weren’t planning on having everyone find out,” Spencer said. “We wanted to wait until we were sure this was good, because you know, dating a friend can change a lot. But Mona found out and that woman gossips like her life depends on it.”

“And is it?” Aria asked.

Spencer just looked at her. “What?”

“Is it good? Is it going well?”

Spencer looked at Emily, her mouth a little dry. She was a fine liar but bad at improvisation. She tried to join the improv team her first semester at college. It was a disaster.

“Yeah,” Emily said, and Spencer swore her eyes softened. Damn, Emily was a good actress. “It’s really good. You know, the breakup with Alison was hard.”

“That’s putting it nicely,” Hanna muttered, because yeah, she’d never really forgiven Alison for it either.

“Spencer helped me,” Emily said, her eyes still trained on Spencer. “And it became something new. Something better. It was…as if by magic, Ali didn’t matter anymore. I could breathe again.”

All of a sudden, it was Spencer who couldn’t breathe.

“That’s super cute and all,” Aria intercut, “but please tell us this isn’t going to be a rebound. You both deserve better than that.”

“No, I had my rebounds,” Emily promised, which was true, she’d gotten past that part. “This is different.”

Hanna nudged Aria, “Okay, stop pestering them, this is like, my dream come true. You two are adorable.”

Spencer was about to ask Hanna why her dream-come-true is two of her best friends dating each other, but before she could, Allison was getting everyone’s attention, and it’s time for bridal shower games, whatever the hell those were.

By the time Spencer dropped Emily off at her place, it was pretty late. Spencer’s sweater was hanging around Emily’s shoulders, and the two of them were swapping stories about old classmates coming up to them and gushing about the two of them dating.

They were laughing pretty hard, and Spencer couldn’t believe she had such a good time at a bridal shower of all things.

“That wasn’t so bad, was it?” Emily asked, turning her head to look at Spencer. “You didn’t even have to kiss me or anything.”

“Aw, shucks,” Spencer said, and they dissolved into another fit of laughter. “You’re okay, though? You didn’t have a bad time?”

Emily shook her head. “No I…I had a great time actually. Thank you, for everything.”

Spencer pulled onto Emily’s street, double-parking in front of her apartment building. “Well, we’re not done yet. We’ve got, you know, the actual wedding.”

“Oh, that,” Emily waved her hand, as if it were nothing. “How hard could that be? We survived this, that’s going to be fine, too.”

Spencer wasn’t sure whether it was Emily’s confidence or indifference that unnerved her, but she pushed that feeling away quickly. It had been a such a good evening. Why would she ruin it now?

“Right. See you tomorrow for dinner?” she asked.

“How else am I supposed to make sure you actually take time to eat?” Emily asked, smirking.

Spencer rolled her eyes, watching as Emily got out of the car. She waited until Emily was in the building before she pulled away.

Three weeks. That was whole long it took before news of Emily and Spencer dating made it to their parents. Three weeks. Slower than expected, actually, considering the speed with which news travelled around Rosewood. Of course, Spencer and Emily were no longer in Rosewood, but their parents were.

Spencer couldn’t quite decipher the order in which her mom found out – whether Hanna told Ashley who eventually told Veronica or maybe someone Veronica ran into in town asked her about it – but the point was, she knew.

“Mom, mom,” Spencer said into the phone, trying to get a word in edgewise, “Look, I know you’re mad but–”

“Mad?” Veronica laughed. “Spencer, we love Emily. She’s always been such a sweet girl, very disciplined. And she became a wonderful young woman. Honestly, I’m just happy you’re with anyone, and Emily’s as good as they come. We just wish you had told us.”

“Okay,” Spencer said, still trying to wrap her head around everything she was hearing. She tried to find a suitable lie. “We just wanted to wait until we knew things were serious first.”

“And are they?”

Spencer pinched the bridge of her nose. She hadn’t anticipated dragging their parents into this when she agreed to this. “I mean, I guess.”

“Well, we’re happy for you, Spencer. Give Emily our love. And, for the love of god, the next time something big happens in your life, please call us. Now I’ve gotta go, Melissa called and I put her on hold so I could get this cleared up. Love you.”

“Great,” Spencer said. “Love you too, bye, Mom.”

There was a knock on her door not a minute later. It was Tuesday night, which meant dinner with Emily. They had two months, one week until the wedding. The whole ‘dating’ thing had barely come up, only on occasions when Hanna or Aria called. Spencer and Emily both had posted some vague, maybe-coupley-maybe-not posts to their social media. But that was about it.

“You look like you’ve been hit with a truck, you okay?” Emily asked, immediately going into the kitchen. Spencer kind of loved her for cooking. Emily always cooked. It was Spencer’s saving grace.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Spencer shrugged, “it’s just, you know, my mom called asking why she just found out that you and I have been dating for months.”

Emily closed the fridge, mouth agape. “What?”

“Yep,” Spencer said. “So I’m guessing you can expect a call from Pam and Wayne soon. Cat’s out of the bag.”

Emily chewed on her lower lip, and Spencer watched her thinking through this. “Okay…well…this isn’t that much of a surprise, I mean, they were going to be at the wedding.”

“True,” Spencer agreed. “I guess I just wasn’t expecting it, for some reason. I hadn’t actually factored our parents into the equation.” And now that equation was more complicated. Spencer didn’t like complicated equations.

“I’m sorry, Spencer.”

Spencer waved a hand. “Don’t worry about it. They were thrilled, actually. You know my mom loves you.”

Emily snorted, “Then just wait till my parents call, my mom adores you. She’ll be elated.”

“You want to hear something crazy?” Spencer asked, as Emily went back to cooking dinner.

“Hmm?”

“My mom ignored a call from Melissa while she was talking to me,” Spencer said. She couldn’t help but laugh about it. How many times had her mom cut her off to take a call from Melissa? How many times had she felt second best?

Emily grinned, “Wow, your mom must really like me. I’m so flattered.”

“If I had known there’d be this many perks to dating you, I’d have done it ages ago.”

Emily rolled her eyes, but as Spencer poured the wine, she could see that Emily was smiling a little bit, too.

#spemily #spencer hastings #emily fields #pll #pll fic #lets grow old together

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acasualwii-mote · 6 years

Text

My Experience w/ Depression

Hi, my name is Lauren (This isn’t my real name, it’s just something to call me by.)

This account has been made with the intent to get my feelings out into the world. It was recommended by my therapist, so if you are not comfortable reading about serious topics revolving around depression, anxiety, suicide/suicidal thoughts, or things of the like, please click off.

Any personal identities/information will be censored in an attempt to shield any negative attention away from the person, or just to keep my privacy in-tact.

Anyway, let’s start this off.

For a while now, I have been living with Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I was diagnosed a month ago, but I’ve been feeling very strange for the past year or so, to say the least. I’ve had a few boyfriends, I’ve made a few friends, and I’ve had projects that I’ve been passionate about. And yet, it still feels underwhelming.

I’m home-schooled at the moment, so I don’t necessarily have real life friends. I was taken out of school about three years ago because of bullying issues, so I have been to public school before, but I’m not in it currently. With this, I usually stay on my computer for the majority of my day.

Every day feels like it isn’t worth anything. The names on my screen that I’ll talk to occasionally feel like nothing to me anymore. They are real people, and they care about me, but I just can’t process that fully. It’s very hard to have them remind you that they care so much about you, but you just can’t really understand it.

It makes you feel strangely unloved, but it makes you feel guilty about your apathy. I used to not be that way, when I found someone that I really cared about.

Let’s call them Tana.

Tana is a sweet person, very sensitive and quiet, but they’re very reliable and dependable. I had feelings for this person, and eventually we got to dating. The first few months were fine, very fun and uplifting, but that soon changed.

I learned that Tana had problems of their own. They were scared about telling their loved ones that they were depressed at first, so I stepped in to help them. At the time, I wasn’t that badly damaged. I had undergone some rough stuff with a previous friend group, but that was behind me. I felt strong and I felt like I would be able to support Tana with every bit of strength that I had.

Let me remind you, Tana and I met over the internet. We grew very close very fast, but that also meant that the distance played a very important role in how we functioned. For me, this meant I would worry about where they were, whether they were at school doing something, or hurting themselves in their bathroom. There wasn’t ever a way for me to tell unless they told me. And after a while, I would lash out about it, over simple paranoia. This started turning to relationship downhill.

Tana started to lose it, they would talk to me about how they had suicidal thoughts and had gruesome nightmares involving myself dying in front of them, among other things. Almost every day I would hear something about how Tana had some sort of depressive episode or anxiety attack. It’s hard to stay strong for someone that far gone, but at the time, I didn’t know that I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

We met up for the first time in August, which was a blast. Tana was just as beautiful as they looked over the internet in real life. They were kind, made sweet jokes, and we even shared our first kiss. I could only stay in their town for just a weekend, so it was very tough to tell them goodbye.

About a month later, we had an argument. Not just a small scuffle, but it was a huge argument. We talked about the future of our relationship, how the distance would affect us, how Tana’s mental health was making everything harder for them, and how I was slowly being taken down with them. We decided that we would stay together, and we both shared the hope that Tana would get better, and we would have more frequent meet-ups.

Later that night, Tana texted me that they thought they were dying. Apparently they’d tried to overdose on a sort of pain medication (Which by the way, probably won’t ever kill you if you took an entire bottle). So I obviously freaked out, called Tana’s mother, and all that. The next day Tana went to the hospital, and everything went quiet.

As a worrisome person, this lead me to believe that Tana had died. I wasn’t aware that Tana was just in a mental hospital, since that’s the protocol for people that have attempted suicide, but nonetheless, I was freaked out. That week was pure hell for me, and that’s where I think I started to derail just a bit. My dreams consisted of Tana’s funeral, and all of their friends trying to comfort me, and I’d approach Tana’s casket and feel nothing but pure despair.

Tana came back, which was a huge relief to me. However, from this point forward, my side of the story became much worse.

We had scheduled a meet-up in October, which we both were looking forward to. But I couldn’t stop thinking that something was wrong. Every time I saw that Tana had been offline for more than thirty minutes, I thought that they had killed themselves. I’d have panic attacks over the smallest things, like one of Tana’s friends telling me that Tana was a bit late to class, or that they hadn’t seen Tana in the past hour. Every second of every day was to make sure that Tana hadn’t hurt themselves or simply committed suicide.

This caused me to grow irritable and bitter, and treat Tana terribly. I’d be constantly asking them how they were feeling, or if they had done something to themselves or thought about hurting themself. It was terrible, and I wish I had treated Tana differently. I regret that deeply.

The October meetup passed, and while it was a great time while I was in their town, the aftermath was catastrophic. I started having deeply realistic nightmares of Tana hanging themself in front of me, or bleeding out at my feet. I couldn’t sleep, and I would start trying to avoid sleep as much as I could, sometimes staying awake for days at a time.

Toward the tail end of October, I seriously attempted to commit suicide three times. The first time I called the NSPL (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline). The other two times, I was stopped by my dad because Tana had notified him of what they thought I was going to do.

After these attempts, Tana had gotten enough of me, and they went for a break. They said that they needed time to themself, and that they’d be back in two weeks. Tana came back 8 days early, and broke up with me.

To put things short, I am feeling dreadful now. It’s very conflicting because Tana wants to be broken up but I do not want that. I really don’t want that. I care about them and they won’t accept my help anymore.

I’m not one that takes breakups well anyway, but this is a lot harder than any other breakup I’ve experienced in my life. I want to be able to support them, but in hindsight, I thought the same exact thing when we first started our relationship. I know I can’t support them now, just like I couldn’t support them back then.

In my experience, depression is when you have the false hope of succeeding, and when you inevitably fail, it hurts twice as much. It makes you overzealous and overly confident in your abilities, but in reality, you snap just like a twig when you’re put under pressure. Whoever’s fault it may be, you place the blame on yourself, and convince yourself that you need to be better for whatever cause. And every time you strive for greatness, you bat yourself down, time and time again, over and over. You have goals, but you are too weak or self-destructive to achieve them. That is what hurts the most.

Something I’d like to do is recommend a song every time I post something. No matter what type of post it’ll be, I’ll recommend a song. So, today, the song is Keep by Mother Mother. It’s a beautifully written song about hardships and self-improvement, however hard it may be.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hdcm9w6Pjtg

Also, thank you for reading my post. I really appreciate it. Goodnight, all!

#depression #anxiety #my story

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tonicandjins · 7 years

Text

one and two small petals - ii

pairing: kim mingyu/reader

genre: angst

words: 7,690

(the final part will be up next week. thank you for all your lovely messages!)

> part i

Mingyu didn’t want you anymore.

Or at least, that’s what you think.

It had been seven months since you and your star broke up, and you weren’t even half a step in moving on. You were no longer crying over it, probably because you’re ignoring everything you’re feeling. From seeing him on billboards and hearing his voice on the radio, you just let things pass by you. You thought that if you could ignore it, it would just go away. But it hasn’t.

It was mid-March when you saw Mingyu with another girl at the samgyeopsal house near their building. You cursed yourself for thinking that you could avoid him forever as long as you were careful. The place used to be yours and Mingyu’s favorite place to eat. Not only was the place hidden and cheap, but also the old woman who owns the place adored the two of you. She used to welcome you inside the place and added more meat to grill on your plate. She always insisted on giving you a huge discount because she loved you both very much, so you and Mingyu made it a mission to leave a huge tip on her jar every time you went there. And you just missed the place so much; you felt like you needed to meet the old woman again.

And so you sent Seungcheol a text and asked them if they were around, and he replied that they were taking the day off because they just arrived from their trip to Japan. You promised him you’d see him after your errand (a lie; you just wanted to eat at the samgyeopsal house).

The old woman wasn’t at the counter when you arrived; instead, a young man was in her place and welcomed you. But before you could even ask where the old woman was, you already heard his laugh. You could probably hear it within the radius of half a mile and recognize that it’s his. You froze on your feet, couldn’t move, and couldn’t hear anything else besides his laugh.

The place was small, so when you turned to your right, you saw him—them. His back was facing you, and he was bending over the table, letting out strings of laughter with the woman in front of him. The woman was pretty—too pretty to be ordinary, so you assumed she was probably an idol or an aspiring one. And she was laughing with him. You noticed they weren’t sitting on yours and Mingyu’s favorite table.

“Miss?” the man asked, waking you up from your trance.

“I-I…” You couldn’t even say anything, fearing that Mingyu might hear you. You didn’t want him to see you in this situation.

And so you quickly walked out of the place, feeling bad about the polite man who worked there.

“Don’t cry, don’t cry,” you whispered to yourself over and over again as you walked down the street. “Don’t cry, please. Not here. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.”

You didn’t know where you were going. Your hands were shaking so much that you knew you couldn’t possibly call for a taxi now. Cursing yourself for not applying for a driver’s license, even when you knew how to drive, you let your feet take you to nowhere. You were just walking; you had already given up on stopping yourself from crying because it was all too much.

You only wanted to eat samgyeopsal—simple as that—but the universe couldn’t give it to you.

This was your punishment for being selfish, for leaving him. The stars that lead you to Mingyu are giving you exactly what you deserve for not keeping him and treating him right. You couldn’t escape him even when you tried so hard to ignore everything. You couldn’t ignore this—this pulsating but at the same time throbbing pain in your chest. It’s so excruciating that you could feel your heartstrings break and your entire body run out of life. And your heart has grown tired.

You wish you didn’t love him this much.

❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎

Mingyu doesn’t think he will ever be capable of moving on from you.

Everyone has been telling him to go out there and meet other people, to let his walls break. He always smiled as a response and told them he shouldn’t be thinking about being in a new relationship now. Not now, he would say, not now when things are really great for his career.

Not yet, his heart would tell him, not when she still lingers in your mind.

The members were worried still; Mingyu thinks their concern over this breakup has subsided a bit, but it’s still there. Sometimes, they’re a little wary on talking about things that may remind him of you, but he just tells them that it’s okay, that he’s okay.

Because sometimes, remembering you isn’t as painful as it seems.

You were never painful to be with. It was only painful when you were no longer there beside him.

You were beautiful, and Mingyu knows it’s such a cliché word to describe the person he loved but you were utterly, breathtakingly beautiful. So beautiful that sometimes Mingyu wished there was something about you that he could truly hate.

Mingyu could still recall the moment he realized he liked you.

It was the week of his birthday two years ago, and you were hanging out with Joshua and Hansol at the practice room. The group was preparing for the release of their first full album at that time, and you had met them through your friend Bona, who at that time was an English teacher for the trainees. You had gotten close with the boys unexpectedly, but it was mostly because of Joshua who introduced himself immediately when he realized you were a foreigner. (Mingyu still doesn’t want to admit that he’s really jealous of the fact that you and Joshua are really tight.) You were a year older than Mingyu, a little shy at first, but really nice and polite. At that time, you were still struggling with your Korean a little. Mingyu laughed a little as he remembered the faces you made whenever you get confused. Although fully mastering Korean was a big challenge for you, you worked hard on improving every day. You must be so good now, Mingyu thought.

You, Joshua and Hansol were sat on the floor against the wall and were conversing in English when he approached you after eating his lunch. You were clutching your stomach at a joke that Joshua cracked and Mingyu could feel his heart beating right out of his chest. (He always knew he had a crush on you since the moment you walked in with Joshua who wanted to introduce you to the members. Mingyu admits that he had that tiny crush because you were really cute and you were shy and all he really wanted was to pinch your cheeks. But then he learned that you’re hardworking and intelligent and profound and kind. He couldn’t even believe Jihoon, Wonwoo, and Minghao, three of the most introverted and shy people in the entire world, liked hanging out with you; that alone was saying something about you.)

“Noona,” he called you out. “Why didn’t you bring food today?”

“Ah,” Joshua laughed before speaking in English. “He’s trying to get your attention again.”

“Josh, shut up,” you mumbled back in English. “Hi, Mingyu, come sit.”

(Yah, heart, please stop. She’s nice, yes, but shut up for a second, will you?)

“But I’m still hungry,” he whined, pretending like his heart isn’t about to kill him, and frog-sat across you, while you were between Hansol and Joshua. “Why do you keep hanging out with Joshua and Hansol, anyway? They’re boring.”

“I bet all the money I have with me right now that he’s jealous,” Hansol challenged, speaking in English to infuriate Mingyu even more.

“Hansol, I’m 100% sure you didn’t bring any money today,” you answered.

“Yah,” Mingyu called. “You’re all so disrespectful. I’m here and you’re talking in English?”

“I thought your English has improved?” Joshua asked. “Talk to us in English if you can.”

“Yah!” you bellowed. “Stop being mean to the kid! I’m sorry, Mingyu.”

“I bet half the money I have in my bag that he’s upset that she calls him a kid,” Joshua told Hansol, making you push them both and move closer to Mingyu.

“Ignore them,” you said, moving closer, your feet almost touching his hands that were on his feet.

Mingyu got startled a bit and moved his upper body back at the proximity, but quickly went back to slouching his shoulders so you wouldn’t notice how he’s sweating profusely because of how close you are to him. He could smell you and see clearly how your eyes were literally shining even under the practice room’s shitty lights.

“I was rushing to come here today so I didn’t cook anything,” you said, explaining his question earlier. “If you want I can bring you food again next week.”

“That’ll work,” he replied. “I want the Oreo cheesecake you made for Seungkwan’s birthday.”

“Cakes are for birthdays,” you remarked. “I’ll make you a cupcake.”

“But my birthday is in two days,” he replied with a pout. “Oreo cheesecake!”

“Really?” you asked. “I didn’t know it’s your birthday this week!”

“And you know everyone else’s? That hurts.”

“No, no,” you quickly defended. “I know all of your birth months but not the exact dates. Ah, if you hadn’t told me I would have only known on that day.”

“I’ll be nineteen then,” he said proudly.

“That’s eighteen for me,” you replied.

“You’re in Korea so you should only know Korean age,” he said. “You’re only one year older than me.”

“Exactly, we’re in Korean,” you answered. “You should call me noona.”

“Hey, why do you ask the others to not call you noona then? Why just me?”

“Because you’re special, Mingyu-ah,” you said sweetly. He hadn’t even noticed that Joshua and Hansol had left them and went with the others who were on the other side of the room. “Are you tired? Come lean on me,” you offered, moving back to your original place so you were leaning against the wall. Mingyu quickly (too obvious) moved beside you.

“Can I just lay my head on your lap?” he asked and you nodded, stretching your legs and taking your handkerchief from your pockets before patting your lap. “Ah, finally,” he sighed, closing his eyes.

He was about to speak again and complain about how exhausting it is to practice when he felt a cloth pat gently on his forehead.

“You should always have a face towel or handkerchief with you,” you mumbled, concentrating on the beads of sweat on his hairline. “You sweat a lot, so drink a lot, yes? Seeing you practice so intensely makes me tired, so I can’t imagine how worn out you must feel right now.”

Mingyu bit his lip because oh my God, you were wiping his sweat so gently and you were so close to him. He wanted to stay like that forever, but he knew he only had ten more minutes before the choreographer calls them. He wanted to eat more of the dessert, and Seokmin would probably not think of leaving anything for him, but he doesn’t care about that anymore. He wanted this; he wanted you.

He cleared his throat. He needed to talk before you could notice how nervous he’s suddenly become.

“B-but your job is exhausting, too, isn’t it?” he asked. “You teach English, which I’m sure you know now that you’ve met us, is really difficult to master. You’re producing good kids to become smart.”

“You’re too nice,” you mumbled, moving to wipe the sweat on his neck. Mingyu held his breath.

“And you’re far away from home,” he continued, despite his lungs screaming for air. “That must make things twice more difficult.”

“You would know,” you replied, letting out a small laugh. Mingyu sucked a harsh breath. “You’re far away from home, too.”

“Not like you, though,” he answered. “I’m still in Korea. And I have the members. I don’t need to call my parents in the middle of the night because I don’t worry about the time zone.”

“You’re being too hard on yourself,” you commented, taking your hand off him because you were done. Mingyu wished he perspired more. “You’re performing in different stages, Mingyu. Day and night. And you rehearse every single day, produce music and write lyrics. All these while being away from your family.”

“You do that, too, only more difficult,” he fought back.

“Yah,” you laughed. He opened his eyes. You were pretty even on that angle. “Stop comparing our pains.”

“I’m just…” he sighed. “Worried that you might feel alone. That one day you’re going to be sick of being here and adjusting to mean and prejudiced Koreans.”

“I don’t know how to say it in Korean but…” you trailed off. “Every cloud has its silver lining. We say that where I live, and it means that there’s light in everything—hope in everything, that even in our darkest days we have better days to look forward to. The small things that seem insignificant are my silver linings. I guess… that’s how I’ve been surviving. I’ve been focusing on the silver linings.”

“What are your… sir… silbor…. linings…..” he asked slowly. You let out a chuckle and pinched his cheek.

“Well,” you started. “The samgyeopsal house near here is one.”

“The one where we went to? How is that a silver lining?”

“I love it,” you answered nonchalantly. “I love it so much that I want to go there every week. That’s why I have to endure the pain and sadness of living on my own in a city I am yet to figure out so that I could come eat samgyeopsal every week.”

“What else?” he asked.

“The kids,” you added, looking afar. “They make my heart really warm when they leave cute things on my desk with cute, crooked English sentences. Winter. Despite it being so cold, winter here makes up for all the feeling of loneliness.”

“Hmm?” he hummed. He didn’t know this at that time because he closed his eyes, but you looked down to look at his face. “What else?”

“You,” you whispered.

Mingyu opened his eyes quickly and got up, nearly knocking his head on yours but you were fast enough to dodge his face.

“W-what?” he asked, sitting up from his position and looking at you from his shoulder.

“Y-you,” you stuttered. “You’re my silver lining.”

Mingyu thought he was going to have a heart attack at that time. He could hear nothing but his heart beating so fast and he could feel his entire face turn red. He felt his throat go dry and his entire body felt numb, he had to put all his strength on his palms that were holding his upper body’s weight against the floor.

“Uhh,” you said quickly. “You, as in… Seventeen. You guys are m-my friends. You’re… all a silver lining.”

He ignored the fact that you changed your answer and focused on your lips. Your faces were so close now. How could you be so cruel and say something like that to him in the middle of the day? You should’ve said it at night when he’s in bed so he could let his entire body fall, because he was seriously going numb right now. And, God, your lips. He’s only had a few kisses when he was younger but hadn’t had one since he’s matured. Would it kill him if he tried to kiss you? Because right now that’s all that he wants to do.

“Uh, Mingyu…” you trailed off. But he was still looking at you.

Mingyu feels like he could die any second. But, oh, what a way to die.

“Hey, Mingyu!”

Your little moment was destroyed by none other than Yoon Jeonghan.

Mingyu quickly pulled away from your face and looked at the group who were already in the middle of the dance room, ready to practice again.

“You’re violating our Y/N again! How many times do we have to tell you that she’s too old for you? I thought you wanted to be an ‘oppa’?” Jeonghan nagged. “Come here, you punk! Stop that.”

“I-I wasn’t…” Mingyu stuttered. He couldn’t even talk properly.

You let out a laugh, and his heart was beginning to race at its rate earlier again. You got up and offered your hand to him, which he reluctantly took because he might melt by your touch.

You passed by Seungcheol when you went and sat where the staff watched.

“Hey, what did you say to him again?” he whispered. “He’s going to go insane. If he stays up all night blabbering your name tonight, I’m going to blame you.”

You just laughed and settled in the seat beside one of their assistants.

Mingyu watched you and couldn’t focus on practicing. Thank God the choreographer and Soonyoung didn’t give him much shit for it because the other members kept telling him it’s okay.

You were just sitting there, casually switching back and forth to watching them, talking to the staff and scrolling through your phone, while Mingyu kept thinking about how unreal you seemed. He couldn’t believe a person like you existed. You were only twenty, and you just graduated but you immediately moved in Seoul to teach English to help your family. Your Korean still needed a lot of polishing and you were still unable to understand Korean puns, but you were working hard on that. You lived in a small apartment alone because you still were not comfortable with living with a stranger in Seoul. And you learned to drive back in your hometown but you don’t want to take your driver’s license exam because you’re too scared. You loved to cook and bake and feed him and his friends and you were kind to the elders and loved children. You loved dogs and cries over videos of them. You’re so profound and smart and you always knew what to say. Everyone liked you and you were just… beautiful. And you were there right in front of his eyes. You were real.

You didn’t know it at that time but you were Mingyu’s silver lining, too. And he had hoped there was a future for the two of you—even if it’s far away, he hoped it’s there.

It wasn’t far away, Mingyu thought. But it didn’t last as long as I wanted.

❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎

Joshua wasn’t quite sure why you suddenly asked him to have a drink with you.

You were never one to invite anyone to drink. You drank alcohol, of course, but you were never the one who initiated the idea to get drunk.

“Please, Josh,” you begged on the phone. “I’ll treat you. I just felt like I haven’t had fun with alcohol for a long time.”

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” he answered. “It’s really not a good idea. We can’t be seen out with a woman.”

“That’s not true,” you replied.

“It is!” he said. “You know how it works. Even when we’re really just friends, people aren’t going to believe it. Just come over and we’ll have dinner. Mingyu’s not here if that’s what you’re worried about.”

You wanted to yell at Joshua and tell him that his friend is out there hanging out with another woman alone and that you just want to get drunk because you haven’t tried that method to attempt and forget the tall, tan-skinned boy even just for a night. But you kept it together and let out a sigh.

“But I want to drink,” you said with a pout as if he could see you. “Just this one, Josh, please.”

Joshua was just sighing on the other line. “Okay, sure, but we can’t drink outside.”

“Then you can come to my place. Take Jeonghan and Seungcheol with you. One needs to be the designated driver.”

“Do you think either of them would agree to be the sober one? I know I wouldn’t,” he replied. “Just come over so we can drink with everyone.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” you mumbled.

“Mingyu’s meeting his old friends tonight; we’ll drive you home before he arrives,” he explained. “And why do you keep avoiding him? It’s been what? Almost eight months and you haven’t seen each other face to face. You both say you’re fine but you can’t even bring yourselves to face each other.”

“That’s how a breakup works, Josh,” you teased. “But okay, sure. As long as he’s not home, we’ll be fine. He’ll text you when he’s on his way, right?”

“Yeah, sure,” the boy responded. “Don’t bring food or anything. We got drinks and we’ll just as for a delivery service.”

“Thank you, Hong Jisoo,” you said.

“Ew, don’t call me that,” he laughed. “See you. Be safe.”

“See you!”

You didn’t know what you were doing. Drinking at your ex’s dorm with his friends? You were dumb. But the dumbest decisions happen when you were hurt. And you just wanted to feel numb.

You always told the boys that whenever you visited them, they had to make sure Mingyu wasn’t there, but a tiny part of you was still hoping you’d catch a glimpse of him somehow.

Perhaps you’ll see him tonight.

❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎

When Jihyun asked Mingyu to try out the samgyeopsal house near their building, the boy wanted to run away.

Jihyun is a new trainee and she and Mingyu used to go to the same middle school. At first, Mingyu was hesitant to talk to her because he wasn’t really into getting to know new people although technically he already knew Jihyun. But Jihyun was new and she didn’t know anyone from Pledis and Mingyu didn’t want to be that kind of person who ignored people just because he’s gotten famous now. He was still a little uncomfortable with the way Jihyun clung onto him the second he agreed he’d talk to her more. But he just tried to understand that she’s probably lonely at the practice room when everyone hangs out with their friends and she’s alone. God, Mingyu was too nice.

But when she asked him if he had tried the samgyeopsal house nearby and if he wanted to go eat with her, he was already thinking of ways to revoke their friendship.

“Uh, I have… but it’s a long time ago…” he reluctantly answered. “I didn’t like it that much…”

Lies. He was there just a day before they left for Japan.

“Come on, Gyu!” she whined, making Mingyu cringe a little at the nickname. “How can you not like it? I’m glad I went there alone! The food is so good! And it’s well hidden. There won’t be a swarm of fans to disrupt us!”

“I’m not sure, Jihyun,” he mumbled. “I need to go to Hongdae, anyway. I’m meeting my friends from High School.”

“It won’t take too long!”

Now Mingyu’s regretting on dropping by the building to take his car. He should’ve just called a taxi and made his friend drive him home.

“I really need to go…” he trailed off.

“Don’t be a killjoy, Gyu,” she said with a sigh. “You’re meeting them at two right?”

He shouldn’t have told her.

“It’s only 12. And besides, you should eat before you meet them.”

“Our plan was to eat together.”

“Then eat again! You’re a tall boy, Gyu. You need lots of food.”

Mingyu sighed. He didn’t really have a choice. Because if he doesn’t agree with Jihyun, she’s going ignore him for a week and be sulky and he’s going to feel bad. And just like the last time she acted like that, the members were going to tease him if they see Jihyun avoiding her. He couldn’t have that kind of a headache when he had so much in his head already.

“Fine, fine.” He gave up. “But we shouldn’t take lon—”

He wasn’t even able to finish his sentence because Jihyun was already pulling him by his arm. They passed by a few staff who had questioning looks—one that said, “What are you doing, Mingyu?!”

If anyone spots them, Mingyu knew he was going to get so much shit from his managers and publicists. He was protesting on their way to the place but Jihyun was just ignoring him. God, he needed to pull it together and to ask the girl to stop harassing him like this.

When they got there, the old woman wasn’t on the counter, which made Mingyu wonder why because she was the one who served him the last time he was there. He wanted to ask the man behind the counter but that would blow his lie that he didn’t like the place. Jihyun was rambling as usual, and he just nodded and agreed to everything even when he wasn’t really listening. The entire time, Mingyu was just really annoyed and wanted to leave. But Jihyun cracked a few jokes here and there that tickled his tummy and made him laugh out loud. As soon as they were finished and Mingyu has paid, they left the place.

“Hey,” Jihyun said suddenly. “I don’t really want to tell you but I think a fan saw you.”

“A.. a what?” Mingyu stopped in his tracks. “Oh my God, a fan saw me? Did she see you?”

“Of course,” she answered. “She took a good look at my face before she ran away.”

“B-but we were the only ones at the place?” Mingyu asked. “I could’ve heard it if someone came at the same time as us.”

“No, she wasn’t able to talk. She just entered and saw you and then run away,” she replied. “Are you worried that she might post something online?”

Mingyu was a little confused. A fan couldn’t have noticed him right away. She most probably did not see his face because Mingyu’s back was facing the door. So he just shrugged and continued walking.

Perhaps it was Mingyu’s lovesick side but he started thinking it might have been you. Only people from Pledis knew the samgyeopsal place and a few other people because it was small and well hidden. And if it was a fan, they must have reacted differently, not run away. But why would you be going to the samgyeopsal place? He’s been there a lot of times since the breakup and the old woman kept asking why you never visit anymore, so why go there now?

Did you miss the place like he did?

It was funny; because Mingyu went there every chance he can, yet he still missed it. He still went there like he was looking for something else besides the food they serve. He still missed you with him.

The entire walk back to the building, Mingyu kept thinking about the possibility of you seeing him at yours and his place with another woman. Would you have felt upset if it was really you? Did you run away because you couldn’t bear seeing him with someone else?

While Jihyun kept talking about how excited she is to learn another dance routine, Mingyu was smiling at the thought of you going to the place because you had missed it. Maybe you just missed the place but knowing that you missed the things you and him used to do together gives Mingyu that kind of feeling that you and him could have a chance again.

Sure, all this time he was upset and heartbroken and angry for what you’ve done, but the boy can’t help but wonder if the stars would align to get you to meet again. His busy schedules prevented him from meeting you and bargaining for your love once again, but now that he’s on a quick break, could he… could you?

Mingyu wants to beg the stars.

❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎

The boys learned that you could still sing well even when you’ve had twelve shots of vodka in your system.

“I didn’t know you could rap drunk, Y/N,” Seungcheol commented. “You should join our unit.”

“I don’t want to be in your unit,” you slurred.

You knew you weren’t that drunk yet. You were still in the right mind; it was only the way you spoke that made you seem drunk.

“Your team sucks,” you said in English, making Joshua laugh. “I am loyal to my vocal team. They are the best unit in Seventeen! Lee Jihoon is the best leader!”

“You’re just prejudiced because your ex is in the hip-hop unit,” Seungcheol replied.

“Yah,” Jeonghan countered. “Leave the girl alone. Let her hate your team.”

“I can’t believe it’s been so long since you came and hung out with us,” Wonwoo interjected.

You and the members (except Seokmin, Seungkwan, Hansol and Chan, and obviously, Mingyu) were all scattered around their dorm’s living room. You were sitting on the floor between Jihoon and Minghao on one side of the coffee table; across you were Seungcheol, Jeonghan. Joshua (who was playing the guitar) and Junhui were on the couch behind you, while Soonyoung’s passed out on the floor. Wonwoo, with a bowl of popcorn in his hands, was standing by the division of the living room and the dining area. Bottles of alcohol and empty boxes of fried chicken were on top of the coffee table.

“I can’t believe you’re not letting the younger ones drink!” you answered as you watched Wonwoo take his place between Joshua and Junhui. “Let them have fun!”

“They don’t like drinking anyway,” Jihoon answered. “And Seokmin is bad at hangover. He can’t drink shit.”

“What time is it?” you asked suddenly. “I need to go home.”

“It’s past twelve,” Junhui answered. “Hyung, has Mingyu texted you?”

Seungcheol shook his head.

“Maybe he’s staying at his friend’s place,” Minghao answered. “But he would still text if he did. Can we call him?”

“No, no,” you quickly answered. “I mean, yeah, call him. But I need to go.”

“Having a party without me?”

Admittedly, it was a cliché scene when Mingyu entered the place. You froze on your spot, unable to move or even look at him. Everyone went quiet for a second before Minghao stood beside you and asked Mingyu why he didn’t respond to their messages. The latter explained that his phone had died a couple of hours ago and he didn’t know why he had to send someone a message when he’s coming home, but now he knew. You chose to stay silent and kept drinking the remaining liquor on your glass while the members asked the tall boy if he had fun on his free day. He snickered and told them they were being too obvious of the fact that the atmosphere has drastically changed. You heard Jeonghan ask if he wanted to join the group but the boy refused and said he’s had a long day and he wanted to go to his room. Sighing in relief, you gulped down every drop of the liquor left on the table, including Jihoon’s.

“Who’s driving me?” you asked, standing up (struggling to do so, Jihoon had to hold you). “I’m going home. Thanks for the drinks. I’ll send you all lunch next week.”

“You don’t have to, but okay,” Seungcheol replied. “I can drive you.”

“Eh, not you,” you complained. “Somebody else please drive me. Seungcheol is drunker than I am.”

“Am not!” the leader denied, attempting to stand but falling on his butt.

You laughed. “Sure, you’re not. Josh?”

But when you looked at the boy, he was already passed out while holding his guitar. You sighed, thinking that this could go wrong in so many ways.

“I’m sorry, Y/N,” Jeonghan said. “It seems like everyone is a little too tipsy to drive you.”

“Wonwoo is not that drunk!” you retorted. “Wonwoo, come on, drive me home. Or Hansol could drive me. He has a driving license, right?”

Jihoon sighed, “No.”

It was your turn to sigh. “I know you’re going to suggest that I should stay the night, but my answer is no. I’m calling a taxi.”

“I’ll drive you,” Mingyu suddenly spoke up. You thought he was already inside his room.

You looked at him and realized that this was the first time he’s ever talked to you in seven months. The way that his voice sounded and how his eyes are focused on you almost made you want to beg him to come back to you. Almost.

“I’ll—” You cleared your throat. “I’ll call a taxi.”

“You could pass out,” Minghao interrupted. “Come on, Y/N, let him drive you. You don’t have to talk.”

“How sure are you that he isn’t drunk?” you asked. “He was out as well. Friends drink when they go out.”

“I’m completely sober,” he answered. “I’ve stopped drinking for a while—not that you needed to know that—and you don’t have to talk to me. You can take the backseat. Minghao can come with us. Just let me drive you home. You can’t go home like that.”

“I can,” you pushed.

“Y/N, you’re being really stubborn, right now,” Jeonghan remarked. “Just let him drive you. Minghao will come with you.”

Seungcheol, who was still giggling at how he fell on his ass, suddenly asked, “Why, Y/N? You can’t sit inside the car with Mingyu?”

“Shut up, Seungcheol,” you muttered, taking your phone from the couch beside Joshua. “Come on, Minghao.”

“You can’t!” Seungcheol taunted, still smiling. “You can’t be alone with Mingyu, can you? Aw, I can’t believe our little Y/N is still affected by our Mingyu’s charm.”

“Seungcheol, I will smite you!”

“Yah,” Jeonghan interrupted. “Stop. Are you going with Mingyu or not?”

You looked at Seungcheol and then Mingyu. “I will. I’ll go alone.”

“Wah,” Seungcheol exclaimed. “Look at her! She’s growing up!”

You impulsively threw the cushion at Seungcheol’s direction before stomping past the member and leaving, but not before saying goodbye and thanks to everyone.

To say that you’re terrified would be an understatement. You had not had a good look on your ex’s face—only his eyes—and you haven’t seen him in person in months, but you were already drowning in his scent, in his glare, in his mere presence. And you didn’t want this—not today, not when you’re drunk and you saw him earlier with another girl and all you want to do is scream at him but you can’t because you were no longer together, meaning you had no right to be angry at something like that, but God, you were so angry. You were so, so, angry that you want to stomp his feet like you would do when you had a particularly messy fight when you were still together so he would shut up and let you speak for a second. But you realized that that moment probably wasn’t the best time to remember your memories with him, and you wish you were in control of what you remembered and what you didn’t because as you told yourself to stop thinking about the past, the memories poured like the rain. You were drunk and exhausted enough and you really don’t want any of this to happen. But it’s here. He’s here. And there’s no turning back.

“I didn’t know you’d be here today,” he muttered as he stood about a meter beside you. “They didn’t tell me.”

“That was the point,” you replied just as quietly.

“Had I known you’d be here, I would’ve stayed at my friend’s place,” he added. And all you could do was nod and wait for him to lead you to his car. You didn’t even know he had bought a car.

“Do you want to take the back seat?” he asked. You shook your head and followed him outside the building. He was about to open the door for you but you stopped him.

“You don’t have to do that,” you mumbled. He sighed and unlocked the door before striding around the hood of the vehicle and sliding into the driver’s seat.

“Same place?” he asked. You nodded.

Your place was twenty minutes away from theirs, but you’re already guessing it’s gonna be a long ride.

❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎

Mingyu has always been bad at expressing his true feelings through words.

His tendency to screw things up by saying the wrong words is always a huge possibility, and now he’s anxious because you’re here, so close to him yet still so far, and he’s never wanted to talk more in his entire life.

He had just turned on the ignition of the car and he wasn’t sure if he should turn the radio on or do anything else. On the outside, the boy looked calm and collected like this was a normal thing to do—for exes to be in the same car after not seeing each other for seven months—but he was an anxious mess inside. The phrase what should I do kept repeating inside his head and it was getting a little suffocating. Should he roll down the windows or was it too cold for you?

“I—”

“Please drive, Mingyu,” you said before he could even start a conversation.

Your voice wasn’t loud, but it was clear; perhaps too clear because right there and then he wanted to cry because he hasn’t heard your voice in so long. The last time he heard your voice was when he was scrolling through his computer, looking for a picture he took at Chicago, and he “accidentally” binge-watched all of the videos you and him had together; that was two months ago. And you uttered his name, and it was almost like your voice was squeezing the air out of his lungs because he’s suddenly out of breath. He had hoped you were drunk enough to sleep the entire ride—speaking of which, he had to drive now before you grow impatient and leave.

The urge to strike a conversation was too strong on Mingyu’s side because he wanted to ask how you’ve been. Seungcheol assured him one day that you were doing all right, even though the boy never asked about you. The leader said he saw him once scrolling through your pictures on his phone and thought that maybe Mingyu was wondering how you’ve been. Mingyu wanted to ask why Seungcheol had to know things about you while he knew nothing. Mingyu knew about your dreams and everything you wanted; were you still working hard to reach them despite the odds? The boy was sure that you were because that’s what he loved most about you: your perseverance to be better and to reach your dreams. But in the span of seven months, he felt like he’s missed out so much. What if you no longer wanted to write a script for a film? Have you changed your hobbies? Were you finally watching more Korean dramas? Did you still like the things you used to talk to him about? Mingyu wanted to know all of it and wanted to catch up on how life’s been treating you, but he knew he couldn’t do that anymore.

Why did he have to lose you? Why couldn’t he keep you? Because he was sure he could’ve convinced you otherwise on the day you called it quits. He was your soft spot, and you agreed to anything he asked for; that’s how much you loved him. He should have said no; he should have asked why you suddenly weren’t happy anymore. He should have not given up on you. He lived every day to be your tomorrow, and this may sound pathetic but when you were together, he felt like he had it all figured out. He was going to introduce you to their fans properly because they’ve been having suspicions on the unknown girl who’s always with him and the members. His family already adored you, so that wasn’t a problem anymore. The company is going to support him as long as he followed their rules. You loved South Korea so much that you kept telling him you could actually stay there for a while. Perhaps he could make you stay there with him forever. You hadn’t taken him to your hometown, but Mingyu has already thought of how happy you’d be to see him getting along with your family. He’d meet your favorite nephew and bring him gifts to make your heart swell, and he’d treat your sister so well that she’d insist on you marrying him. And the boy has already imagined what it’s like to wake up to your sleeping face every morning and to have children of his own with you. You were already a part of his future, as dramatic as that sounded. Because you were the right person for him. He wanted to be your tomorrow. Did you leave him because you felt like he wasn’t the right person for you?

But despite all the questions he wanted to be answered, he remained silent, because he knew he was going to screw up the conversation one way or another.

And so twenty-two minutes later, his car was in front of the building where you lived.

“Thank you, Mingyu,” you said with a small smile that was enough to melt his heart. “Drive back safely.”

Mingyu wanted to ask something, and before he could stop himself, he gently held your coat-covered forearm, stopping you from opening the door.

“Why did I lose you?”

“M-mingyu…” you trailed off. “I-I…”

“Wait, no,” he quickly said, retreating his hand from your arm. “Don’t answer it. Because it will drive me even more insane when I know what I did wrong. Not knowing is much better.”

“M-mingyu,” you said. His heart is going to burst. You were looking at him but he was looking ahead as if he was waiting for you to leave. “You know it’s not you.”

He let out a bitter chuckle. “You already told me that. But why does it feel like it is?”

“It’s not,” you quickly denied. “It was never you who’s wrong in what we had. You were… are… perfect, Mingyu. You’re everything any girl could ask for.”

“Why, then?” he asked calmly, before looking back at you. It was only then that he realized how glossy yours and his eyes were. “Why’d you leave me? Because it still hurts. I know it shouldn’t, and I’m sorry that I’m putting you in this place right now. I know you don’t like confrontations and you’ve probably moved on but it still kills me every day. No one knows but it still does. Why couldn’t I keep you? You were the only thing I’ve ever wanted this badly after debuting. Before, it was my career that I only wanted. You are the only thing I want, yet I can’t have you. I can’t keep you. This hurts, Y/N. This hurts so much because I can’t even bring myself to hate you despite this pain. It’s been so long. Why does it still hurt?”

By the time he was done, you were already crying.

“I’m sorry,” was all you could say before leaving his car, leaving him. Again.

Mingyu knew he screwed up the last bit of chance on having you back in his life.

❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎

Even drunk and dizzy, you were thinking about yourself.

The first thing that crossed your mind the second you entered your apartment was that how you wanted to leave. Leave Seoul. Leave your work. Leave everything behind without a trace.

Why would you want to leave when you have so much to look forward to in Seoul? The board from the school you’re working at has been trying to get you to re-apply your work visa and sign another contract with them. They want you to teach high school students this time, and they were willing to pay half of your tuition fee if you wanted to take your master’s degree in Seoul, as long as you worked for them. Why would you want to leave when you’ve been earning more than enough money to support your sister’s education back home? She was going to college soon, and your family needs your help more than ever. Why would you leave the friends you made here? Because you’re heartbroken and all?

Leaving has become this stupid habit of yours, even when it’s totally unnecessary. And a loud voice in your head is screaming at how selfish you are.

You left Mingyu again. You left him with even more questions this time. The poor boy probably only wanted answers, yet you couldn’t give it to him. That’s all you’ve been doing to him: leaving him broken.

Your head’s killing you and all you wanted to do is sleep with the alcohol in your system, but Mingyu’s face when he asked you a train of questions came back to you. He had never looked so desperate to get something, and you were really selfish because he wasn’t even asking for anything tangible; he only wanted to know why you left him. And you didn’t give it to him. You were only thinking about yourself, and he didn’t deserve it. This was the exact reason why he never deserved you.

(But despite it all, he only wanted you.)

You told yourself you were done. You were done leaving and running away from everything. You’re going to get a grip of yourself and tell him. Tell him why you had to do what you did and apologize for being an asshole and possibly ask if you could be friends again. You’re going to fix yourself and make it up to Mingyu for everything you’ve done. You knew it would never be the same again, but you knew you had a chance. And even if that chance is as small as a grain of sand, you were willing to risk everything as long as it meant you could return all the love that Mingyu has given to you.

> part iii

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